Comedy Central Roast of Charlie Sheen (2011) Movie Script

All aboard!
We are high priests. Warlocks.
We're Vatican assassins.
This rock star
must make them weep.
I'm an f-18, bro.
I'm going off the rails
on a crazy train
I'm going off the rails
on a crazy train
This is the Comedy Central
Roast of Charlie Sheen,
brought to you
by Axe body spray
and FIFA Soccer 12.
And now, please welcome
your roastmaster,
Seth MacFarlane.
Ladies and gentlemen...
Thank you.
Thank you very much.
Good evening,
ladies and gentlemen.
I'm Seth MacFarlane,
and, yes, the big night
is finally here.
Welcome to the Comedy Central
Roast of Charlie Sheen.
Yes, we're here tonight
to honor and hopefully arrest
a man who was great
in two things 25 years ago,
Charlie Sheen.
there's a lot of Sheen on TV
this evening
when this show airs.
Tonight on Two and a Half Men,
they're actually having
Charlie's pretend funeral,
believe it or not.
There's no need
to switch over, though.
Just wait a few months.
You can probably
see the real thing.
I mean, we all know
there's a good chance
Charlie will be dead soon,
so I wrote an o--
an obituary.
"Charlie Sheen,
who became a tabloid fixture
"due to his problems
with drugs and alcohol,
was found dead
in his apartment--"
Actually, you know what?
I kind of actually just copied
Amy Winehouse's obituary.
It's--it's--I only had
to change three things, though.
The sex of the deceased,
the location of the body,
and the part that says,
"a talent that will be missed."
We love Charlie!
All right.
So I know Tyson's
not gonna kick
the shit out of me.
That's good news.
So we're gonna take a few pokes
at him here tonight,
but there is no denying
that Charlie Sheen is an icon.
You've seen him on TV.
You've seen him in movies.
And if you're a prostitute,
you've seen him point
a gun at your face
while you try to get him hard.
Let's take a look back
at the work
that paid for all that cocaine.
He's back.
Hey, buddy.
And they're off and running.
Now cool off.
Oh, I am cool.
You should see me when I'm hot.
What are you looking at?
What are you smiling at, huh?
How many yachts
can you water-ski behind?
How much is enough?
- I am your daughter.
- No, you're not.
- Aah!
- Gah!
Are too, too, too, too, too...
Not, not, not, not, not, not...
"Are too" times ten.
Tiger blood.
Yes, it's real.
It's as real as me.
It's the eye of the tiger
it's the thrill
of the fight
rising up to the challenge
of our rivals
We got warrants!
We're the law!
- Golf clap?
- Golf clap.
And he's watching us
all with the eye
of the tiger
Some are saying
that you're bipolar.
I'm bi-winning.
Charlie Sheen has got
to be on drugs again.
- Sure.
- Drugs?
I am on a drug.
It's called Charlie Sheen.
tiger blood.
With a shot
of tiger blood...
Winner, winner, chicken
dinner--I don't think so.
Winner, winner, Sheen dinner!
Pretty [bleep] cool, huh?
Due to pending legal action,
we are unable
to show you a scene
from Two and a Half Men
at this time.
Strike this mother[bleep] out.
Wild thing delivers.
Wild thing
you make my heart sing
You are the sexiest man
I have ever laid eyes on.
Come on, come on,
wild thing
You know, I've lived
a pretty wild life,
with the drinking
and the hookers and the drugs
and the hookers.
You're such a pig.
You know, usually
I have to date a woman
before she treats me this way.
There's my life.
Deal with it.
It's on. Bring it.
Winning. Buh-bye.
And now, ladies and gentlemen,
it's time to bring out
the man of the hour.
He went from
Ferris Bueller's Day Off
to having every day off.
Please welcome
the rock star from Mars,
Charlie Sheen.
Wow. Wow!
Wow! Wow!
Wow, wow, wow.
Thank you. Thank you.
Have fun.
- How are you, Seth?
- Charlie.
Thank you.
There he sits,
the man of the hour.
Charlie, you claim
to have tiger blood,
but with all the porn stars
you've banged,
it's probably just
Tiger Woods' blood,
I'm guessing.
You have a lot of nicknames
for yourself.
You say you're
a Vatican assassin,
whatever that is.
Charlie, the Vatican
does not have assassins.
If they want
to shut someone up,
they just buy 'em ice cream
and tell 'em if they talk,
Jesus will kill their parents.
Now, as you may know,
Charlie Sheen
is not his birth name.
His original Spanish name
is seor drugs.
Kidding aside, though,
Carlos Estevez
took his dad's name,
yes, to gain credibility
as an actor.
I've seen your films,
and you don't really act
like a Sheen.
But, you know,
with your rap sheet
and briefcases of coke,
you're definitely
acting like a Carlos.
Charlie went on
to star in TV and film,
both drama and comedy.
He was the star of Hot Shots...
Which is also
what Charlie feels
when he takes a piss.
I really think you
and Emilio should do a follow-up
to the movie Men at Work,
and you can call it
"Men Who Don't Work Anymore."
That would be...
I'll help--
I'll help you write that.
But, uh, of course
a very public meltdown
changed the landscape.
It's interesting,
when you think about
the firing of Charlie Sheen
tells you all you really
need to know about Hollywood.
You can abuse drugs.
You can abuse your spouse.
You can trash hotel rooms.
You can solicit prostitutes.
But don't you ever, ever
call a Jewish guy
by his actual Jewish name.
So, now Charlie
is a self-contained unit.
He is dependent upon no man
and no thing...
Except crack, jack, crank,
meth, ludes,
Vicodin, blow, acid,
uppers, poppers,
"E," nitrous, dust, hash,
and this one boner medicine
from Norway.
He's the reason
a dick with cocaine on it
is called a "sheenis."
He's still with us,
Charlie Sheen.
In fact, Charlie just celebrated
his 46th birthday...
Thank you.
Thank you.
A statement no one thought
we would ever hear--
kind of like,
"Get Jeselnik on the phone."
Or "Jeff Ross'll pay for it."
Or Jon Lovitz saying,
"one [bleep] at a time, please."
Charlie allegedly
made a prostitute cry
at the Plaza hotel.
I want to tell you though,
Charlie, I think she's lying.
'Cause I saw the scene
where you got arrested
in Wall Street.
You can't even
make yourself cry.
But, you know, with all those
"Dangerous Jobs" shows on TV,
like the ones about crab
fishing, ice-road trucking,
why is there no show
about the most dangerous
job out there--
Being an escort
for Charlie Sheen?
How long must we wait
for the first season
of Deadliest Snatch?
I'm ready to see that right--
right now.
Honestly, Charlie,
I never thought
I would live to see the night
that you would live
to see this night.
I really didn't.
And now our first roaster,
Jon Lovitz.
He was one of the stars
of a Saturday Night Live cast
that the critics have hailed
as "not the worst."
Ladies and gentlemen,
please welcome the star
of "Two and a Half Chins,"
one of my favorite
SNL comics ever,
Jon Lovitz.
Thank you for that
introduction, Seth MacFarlane.
Anyway, I am Jon Lovitz,
although I think most of you
know me by my stage name--
Thank you.
Well, look at this dais.
Mike Tyson is here.
Yes, sir.
You know, his boxing nickname
is iron Mike,
which is what the guards
used to scream at him
in the prison laundry.
I don't do that anymore, Jon.
Well, I know
you don't do that anymore.
You're not in prison anymore.
Just making it clear.
He's funny.
Hey, how did Amy Schumer
get here?
I'd ask whose [bleep]
she sucked to get on the dais,
but she's dating
Anthony Jeselnik,
so I'll just ask him.
Anthony, whose [bleep] did
Amy suck to get on the dais?
Who else is--
Oh, hello, Steve-O.
Yes, sir.
Talked to Steve-O this morning.
I said,
"How's your day going?"
He said, "Great.
I woke up, took a big shit,
then got out of bed...
You know, unlike all
you people on this dais,
I, uh--
I actually know Charlie,
and I'm famous.
No, he's my friend.
I've known him
for about 18 years,
and I can tell you he's nothing
like the character
he plays on TMZ.
And people say,
"Oh, he's crazy,"
you know, just because he likes
beautiful women
to come to his house, have sex
with him, and then leave.
What a nut.
First time I hung out
with Charlie
was at his house
after the super bowl.
Bunch of hot chicks
showed up, and...
I looked up, I saw
my old girlfriend, and...
Charlie put his arm around me
and said, "Pick a hooker."
First time in my life I cried
and came at the same time.
No, it wasn't.
And now a joke.
How much blow
can Charlie Sheen do?
Enough to kill
Two and a Half Men.
I'm kidding.
The man is misunderstood.
Eight-balls of hern--
bad for you?
Or as Charlie sees it,
the most important
meal of the day.
Now, sure, things
got pretty crazy for a while.
He was all mixed up.
But he knew it was time
to get straight
when he put
his dick in his coke
and his razor in his hooker.
And did you know Charlie's--
according to the Torah,
he's Jewish?
And not because
his mother's a Jew,
but because CBS paid him
$50 million
and he still sued the network.
Now, listen,
despite what you read,
Charlie's still close
to all of his exes.
Why, well, just recently,
he took Brooke Mueller
to Mexico...
Where he banged her ass so hard
three balloons of coke
fell out.
But Charlie's a gentleman.
He put them back in.
Picture it!
Thank you.
Coming up, Kate Walsh...
Oh, Charlie, wait till you see
what the doctor's got in order.
Mike Tyson, Amy Schumer,
Jeff Ross...
The real Gaddafi
is hiding in Charlie Sheen's
nostrils right now.
- Steve-O.
- Yeah.
Anthony Jeselnik...
[Bleep] off.
William Shatner,
Patrice O'Neal,
and Charlie Sheen.
Charlie, as you put it best,
it's just words.
All right.
Our next roaster is Kate Walsh.
Why are you here?
Let me say that it is a thrill
to be around the hottest,
sexiest woman of 2002.
Let's give a big round
of meno-plause
for the beautiful
and talented Kate Walsh.
Seth MacFarlane,
the only difference between you
and the hooker Charlie
locked in the closet
is that the hooker
eventually came out.
After years of playing
a doctor on Grey's Anatomy
and Private Practice,
people actually think
I'm a real doctor,
so I figured, "[Bleep] it.
"I'm gonna start giving
some professional diagnoses
to these people over here."
For instance, Jeff Ross,
your results have come back,
and I'm going
to tell you something
that you have never heard
about any of your TV pilots.
You tested positive.
Congratulations, Jeff.
And, Jeff, listen,
I know you're concerned
about your complexion,
but you have to stop
letting Mike Tyson
[bleep] all over your face.
He looks good.
I like the way he looks.
Thank you very much.
Anthony Jeselnik,
I don't normally do this,
but I have to break
doctor-patient confidentiality.
Your results came back,
and it turns out that
that embarrassing,
nasty parasite on your penis
is Amy Schumer.
And there is no cure.
I'm so, so happy to see
that William Shatner is here,
because a medical colleague
told me that you passed on.
I said, "Bullshit.
Have seen his resume?
Shatner's never
passed on anything."
Just wait.
You look great.
I mean, your skin is so tight.
I can't tell
if you've had a face-lift
or vaginal rejuvenation.
Patrice O'Neal,
I understand you have diabetes,
and as you know,
this disease is very serious
and often linked to a poor diet.
So my advice is simple.
Grape soda does not count
as a fruit.
Mr. Sheen,
the doctor will see you now.
I have to say, Charlie,
you are an incredible
medical specimen.
I guess that's
one of the benefits
of waking up every morning
at the crack of crack.
And, you know, it's amazing.
Despite all those years
of abusing your lungs,
your kidneys, your liver,
the only thing you've had
removed is your kids.
Admittedly, Charlie gets
a little confused sometimes.
He's the only guy
who pulls a knife
on a woman who's already
willing to [bleep] him.
I'll drink to that.
I'll drink to that.
Michael, drink to that.
But is Charlie really
the worst guy here?
So he made a chick
blow him for 30 grand.
Mike Tyson makes you blow him
"'Cause I said so. That's why."
I'll drink to that, too.
I'll drink...
Isn't that right,
And so, Charlie,
I'm happy to say,
whether it's your Adonis DNA,
your tiger blood,
or the drug
called Charlie Sheen,
for some reason, you're able
to defy science and medicine
and continue to survive.
I'll pencil you in
for your relapse next week.
Thank you so much.
Good night.
Still to come, Jeff Ross...
I wanted to dress like
the world's biggest dictator
to roast the world's
biggest dick.
Just a bunch a people
having a great time
- being mean to each other.
- And Mike Tyson.
Charlie, um, enjoy a night
of some serious "bambargment."
And I'm gonna rip you
a new asshole.
And, um, I still love you--
no hard feelings.
All right.
Here comes Jeff Ross...
Who actually toured
with Charlie.
You know, I always thought
Jeff was a terrible comic,
until I learned
that he actually is
seriously, for real,
mentally retarded.
And now I think he's
an inspiration and a hero.
So please welcome America's
special needs comedian,
Jeff Ross.
Give it up for the warlock!
Friends, roasters, enablers,
lend Mike Tyson your ears.
Because this lineup
is so pathetic,
I was hoping I'd get replaced
by Ashton Kutcher.
What a bunch of nobodies
we're left with.
Is this a roast
or the republican primaries?
This is hard.
How do you roast a meltdown?
Charlie's meltdown was so bad,
Al Gore's making
a documentary about it.
Tell us, Charlie.
How do you go from being
TVs highest-paid actor ever
to being the highest actor
ever to be on TV?
Charlie's nostrils are
so snotty and full of coke
he calls them
the Hilton sisters.
Instead of getting his life
Charlie went out on
a national comedy tour...
Where every night, Charlie,
you walked on stage
and you told the audience
you were a warlock from Mars.
Oh, maybe you are.
But I'll tell you
what you're not--
a comedian from earth.
Charlie Sheen is to stand-up
what Larry Flynt
is to standing up.
Charlie, if you're winning,
then something's wrong
with the [bleep] scoreboard.
Come on, man.
Charlie, if you're winning,
then this must not be
a child custody hearing.
The only time your kids
get to see you is in reruns.
Charlie, don't you want to live
to see their first 12 steps?
You're the black sheep
of a family
responsible for three
Mighty Ducks movies.
You make your own
father ashamed
that he shares the same
fake name as you.
Martin Sheen and Emilio Estevez
said they would have
been here tonight,
but they had
a family obligation.
Charlie's never lonely.
Don't worry.
I've been up to that house.
I can tell you that Charlie
is stockpiling whores up there.
The place is packed
with whores.
you should be on Hoarders.
Charlie Sheen
has paid for so much sex,
he keeps his credit card
under his balls to save time.
Anthony Jeselnik, some say
you're the next Greg Giraldo.
Let's hope so.
Where's slash?
There he is.
Slash, you were awesome
in the open of the show, man.
That was cool.
Always in that top hat, man.
You're like the Abe Lincoln
of rock and roll...
Especially since
you haven't had a hit
in four score and seven years.
I'm kidding, slash.
Thanks for playing my nephew's
bar mitzvah last year.
That was cool.
That was really cool.
And oh, wow, look at that.
Looking good, Brooke Mueller.
Charlie's ex.
What's up, babe?
What's up?
She's not very bright
unless Charlie's throwing
a lamp at her.
Too soon?
Oh, Jon Lovitz.
Great job tonight, man.
That was funny.
Nice to see you taking a break
from taking a break.
Jon, what's your catch phrase?
And there's our old
roast honoree,
William Shatner, one of
the coolest guys in the world.
I'm not gonna make fun of him,
'cause he looks like
he's on his final frontier.
Hey, Captain Kirk,
maybe Scotty can beam your balls
up from the floor...
You old pervert.
Backstage he flashed Kate Walsh
his graying anatomy.
And I can't believe
I get to sit
next to the--
"Iron" Mike Tyson, man,
one of the coolest, most amazing
athletes in the world.
Thanks for rolling with
the punches tonight, champ.
Thank you, Jeff.
Thank you, Jeff.
I bet you haven't been
shit on this hard
since you cleaned
your pigeon Coop this morning.
Not only do you love pigeons,
but you sound like one.
Listen, I'm not gonna make fun
of Mike Tyson,
because if he--
That's right. 'Cause I'm gonna
shit on you tonight.
That's right.
I know, I know.
If you're willing to do that
to your face,
imagine what
he would do to mine.
What is that on your face,
a target for pepper spray?
Mike, the ironic thing is,
after all the faces
you bashed in,
the one you [bleep] up
the most is your own.
Ah, but there's no denying
the fact that Mike Tyson
had the hardest-hitting
right hook in history.
Your opponents spent more time
bleeding in the corner
than Charlie's ex-wives.
Too soon? Too soon?
Too real? Too real?
Has anybody seen your ex-goddess
Bree Olson's latest movie?
Last time I saw that many guys
coming out of the same hole,
I was watching the rescue
of the Chilean miners.
Charlie, by taking
these punches from us tonight,
you've proved to all your fans
that you're the new king
of the comebacks.
In fact...
In fact you've [bleep]
on more backs
than anyone in Hollywood.
when you were on the tour,
I roasted you eight times
in eight different cities.
And I got meaner every time.
You were a great sport--
perhaps the greatest sport
in roast history,
and I don't know
what you're gonna do next,
but whatever you decide,
I know firsthand that there's
an army of fans out there
waiting to check it out
and support you
in a big way.
I love you guys.
Thank you so much.
The warlock--the best.
Coming up...
We're not gonna be bashing
but we're gonna listen
to Charlie get bashed.
Mike Tyson,
and William Shatner.
We roasted William Shatner,
and now he's back to show
everybody he's a good sport.
No, I'm not a good sport.
I'm after revenge.
All right, our next roaster
is Mike Tyson.
Tyson has had three marriages.
The first two
ended in knockouts.
He's a guy--
I threw in the [bleep] towel.
Please don't murder me.
He's a guy...
He's a guy who's beaten every
opponent he has gone up against
except the letter "S."
So now please...
Please be patient
as he sounds out his jokes.
Ladies and gentlemen,
"Iron" Mike Tyson!
Mama said knock you out
I'm gonna knock you out
Oh, shit.
Thank you.
Thank you very much, Seth.
Oh, man.
Well, you know, during
a very dark period in my life,
I found inspiration
by reading the great
epic poet the Iliad.
So, see, Seth,
you're not the only person
that gotten by
by taking ideas from homer.
That's a [bleep] idiot
over there.
He's a [bleep] idiot,
with that Stewie.
All right.
Well, if I must confess,
I'm really not a roaster.
Of course, you know, everyone,
I don't like hurting people.
And, um, I'm living, you know,
more of a spiritual life now
through poetry,
and I've written...
Well, you know,
I've written, you know,
many verses
in my secret garden,
and now I'd like to share them
with a few of you here today.
Thank you, everybody.
Well, this'll be a honor,
because, um, as the bard
once said,
"All the world's a stage."
And Charlie's been booed off
them all, of course.
In this first verse,
you'll recognize the classic
a-a-b-b-a poetic structure.
There once was a old man
named Ross
whose jokes
were covered with moss.
His punch line was musty,
his premise was dusty,
I wish he'd suck on a [bleep]
exhaust, you know?
So excuse me.
What you gonna do, Jeff?
What the [bleep]
you gonna do, Jeff?
You know, I'm--
you know, I must say, you know,
I'm rather intrigued
by your puffy, grotesque
[bleep] face, Jeff, you know?
when I'm next to somebody
whose face
is grotesque as yours,
they throw in
the [bleep] towel, man.
You're a mess, man.
During your performance,
I wish I bit my own ears off.
You know?
You [bleep] suck, man.
You suck!
Yes, I wish I bit my own shit.
All right. All right.
- That was the best.
- All right.
no, come on, stop.
I got to do this shit right.
All right.
I didn't do well in school,
but I'm trying to do this shit.
All right.
Charlie, our next poem
was inspired
by the great Emily Dickinson,
who I consider a real goddess.
You know, whatever happened
to them hos, man?
Oh, oh, oh, I'm sorry.
But, Charlie,
let me remind you...
Something every man must know.
Once the money goes,
so does the hos.
Trust me on that one, Charlie.
Man, come on,
let's keep it real.
You know, Brooke,
Charlie had every [bleep]
disease known to man,
but still,
you [bleep] his [bleep]
before you shake
Steve-O's hand, you know?
This wife-beating cokehead
claims he's some
rock star from Mars.
Man, if he was black, his ass
would be behind bars, you know?
Which is [bleep] bullshit,
because I'm
the greatest poet alive!
I'm the greatest
wordsmith ever.
I'm the--I'm Robert Frost.
I'm--I'm Lord Byron.
My verses are impetuous,
my rhymes impregnable.
I want to eat your children!
But, of course,
I'm using poetic license,
and, um, they haven't
revoked that one yet.
And thank you all, guys.
May you guys continue
and resume to being nasty
and talking mean
to one another.
God bless you.
Bye, guys.
I'm finished.
Thank you.
Still to come,
Anthony Jeselnik...
Charlie Sheen keeps saying
he's winning.
That guy couldn't win
a goddamn coin toss.
- William Shatner...
- Will you sit down?
And Charlie Sheen.
You can't help
but feel for him,
'cause he is your friend,
plus, uh, you know,
he owes me a hooker,
so I'm looking for--
does anybody know where he is?
Our next roaster
is Anthony Jeselnik.
Anthony Jeselnik's act
combines the excitement
of standing there
with the thrill
of saying words.
You know him best from me
saying his name right now.
Please welcome a man
who's got a bright future
in something other than comedy,
Anthony Jeselnik.
Thank you.
Seth MacFarlane,
everybody, huh?
This is MacFarlane's third time
hosting the show,
which should come
as no surprise,
because when Seth MacFarlane
does something,
by God, he repeats
the living shit out of it.
My good friend
Jeff Ross is here...
Even though it's laundry day.
And Kate Walsh...
I don't watch
that stupid show you're on.
But I did think
it was interesting
that you have your own line
of perfume, you know,
for that special lady
who wants to smell like
"Who gives a [bleep]?"
I'm glad William Shatner
could squeeze this roast
into his schedule...
In between cosmetic surgeries.
Bill, your face is so plastic
that when you're done with it,
they're gonna have to cut it up
into little pieces
so that birds don't die.
What's up, Steve-O?
Steve-O, I know you were
in a dark place for a while.
You were struggling.
But now you're trying
stand-up comedy.
I actually saw you perform
once at the comedy cellar,
and here's some free advice,
Don't give up your suicide.
Patrice O'Neal is here.
You literally cannot miss him.
Holy Christ, you're fat.
You look like
you deep-fry your hands
before you bite
your fingernails.
That's a good joke.
That's a racist joke!
That's some racist shit
right there.
Mike Tyson.
That's the whole joke.
Mike Tyson, I love you.
You're my favorite boxer
of all time.
I don't even want to stand up
here and make fun of you.
Besides, what can you say
about Mike Tyson
that hasn't already been the
title of a Richard Pryor album.
Oh, shit.
- He got it.
- I did.
Patrice got it.
Too many white people
to get that.
Too many white people?
You know what no one ever says
is "too few black people."
Mike, to me, you will always
be the champion.
You will always
be the champion...
Thank you very much.
The champion of having more
shit on your face than seal.
Mike Tyson
got a tattoo on his face
so that every time
he looks in the mirror,
he can be proud
that converting to Islam
is only the second dumbest
thing he's ever done.
That's good.
You regret it.
I well may.
And now
for the man of the hour,
Mr. Charlie Sheen.
Charlie, I don't understand
why you're not grateful
for what you have right now.
I mean, after all,
the only reason you got on TV
in the first place
is because God hates
Michael j. Fox.
Charlie, you are a monster.
Every moment of your life
looks like the first two minutes
of Law & Order: SVU.
You've convinced more women
to have abortions
than the prenatal test
for [bleep] syndrome.
And, Charlie, I think
the craziest thing about you
is that you thought you were
gonna go back to your TV show
after calling your boss
a "Jew [bleep]."
If people got
to keep their jobs
after calling their boss
a Jew [bleep], Charlie,
then everyone would do it.
But, Charlie,
despite everything
I've just said,
you're a good sport
for being here tonight.
Thanks for letting me
be here, too.
Thank you, everybody.
Thanks a lot.
The Comedy Central Roast
of Charlie Sheen
is brought to you
by FIFA Soccer 12.
Still to come, Steve-O...
This is critical
if I'm gonna have a future
beyond breaking bones
and shoving things up my butt.
Amy Schumer...
I'm gonna get
I'm gonna be slurring
and throwing up on strangers.
And Patrice O'Neal.
This should be
my last show ever.
Uh, our next roaster
is Steve-O.
This guy makes it easy for us
to bust his balls
and pull his leg,
because his balls are usually
stapled to his leg.
So, now, please give up
your horse semen for Steve-O.
What an honor to be here
with Mike Tyson.
The last time
I hung out with Mike,
we locked ourselves
in a bathroom
and ripped through
five grams of cocaine.
But Mike's really
changed his ways, though.
See, here he is taking
a beating for a check,
and it hasn't been made out
to Don King.
That is a good one.
That is a good one.
Some people know Kate Walsh
as a television actress,
but most people
don't know her at all.
And my hero...
Charlie Sheen.
Charlie definitely has
tiger blood
coursing through his veins.
Unfortunately, that tiger is
a helpless drug addict.
Dude, your nose is like my ass.
There's nothing
you won't shove up there.
I've been clean and sober
for 3 1/2 years now...
But Charlie still
hasn't hit rock bottom.
I know he's looking forward
to it, though,
because he thinks
there's a rock there.
You know, when Charlie started
referring to his girlfriends
as goddesses,
I was confused,
so I looked it up
in the dictionary.
It said,
"Goddesses, plural, noun--
two [bleep] dumpsters who got
sick of buying their own drugs."
But, Charlie,
don't ever pretend
that you're not a totally
bitchin' rock star from Mars,
because you are.
And I love you.
And I am so grateful
that you've let me be
a part of this tonight.
Right now I'm gonna do something
insanely stupid for you.
I am going to attempt
to get a black eye
from the former heavyweight
champion of the world.
Mike, bro, I am ready.
Let me get that fist.
Man, I don't want
to do this shit, man.
We're not gonna call the police
or anything after this.
[Bleep] him up, Mike!
All right.
One, two, three.
Go for it.
I think that'll do it.
Thank you, everybody.
That's what it looks like when
an asshole gets fisted, I guess.
All right.
All right, what can I say
about Amy Schumer?
Um, I actually
mean that sincerely.
I've never heard of this woman.
So please get ready
for the comedy stylings
of the fourth runner-up
of the fifth season
of Last Comic Standing,
Amy Schumer.
Mike "Tython."
Am I saying that right?
Ha ha.
I'll get you good.
Wasn't he great up here?
No, I'm asking.
I couldn't understand
a [bleep] word he said.
Mike, your voice sounds
like a girl crying.
Every time you speak,
do you give yourself
an erection?
Depends what I'm talking about--
Hey, hey, hey, Mike,
here's something
you'll never hear--
"Great tattoo!"
You have a slutty
lower-back tattoo on your face.
Men don't know
whether to be scared of it
or finish on it.
Look at that face.
It's so--
it's so dark and wrinkly
and constantly getting pounded.
It's like Patrice's
grandmother's asshole
after a gospel brunch.
Oh. Shit.
I'm just assuming
she raised you.
Patrice O'Neal,
one of my favorite comics--
Patrice has always been destined
for stardom and diabetes.
So tonight is not just
the roast of Charlie Sheen.
It's also a farewell party
for Patrice's foot.
Diabetes--holy shit.
Evil. Sitting next to this bitch
the whole time.
I didn't know she--
this was coming.
It's true.
If Amy had as many dicks
coming out as she had going in,
she'd look like
a [bleep] porcupine.
Is his interpreter here?
what's your last name--
Uh, Van Der Sloot?
What is it?
You have all the likeability
of a Hitler youth.
Look at you.
Speaking of Kate Walsh,
Kate, to some people,
Grey's Anatomy
is more than a TV show.
In fact, Grey's Anatomy
is what William Shatner
calls his balls.
I've seen less bloated men
dredged out of rivers.
What's going on?
Wha--does Priceline pay you
in empanadas?
What's happening?
- Are you taking that from her?
- Oh, yeah, we have to.
- You got to get her back!
- Go get her.
And Steve-O is here.
Steve-O, great try.
But I truly am, no joke,
sorry for the loss
of your friend Ryan Dunn.
I know
you must have been thinking,
"It could have been me,"
and I know we were all thinking,
"Why wasn't it?"
Thank you.
[Bleep] you, Amy!
Oh, Mike.
Stay away from me.
Speaking of things
that should already be dead,
Charlie Sheen is still alive.
Charlie, you--I'm a fan.
You were amazing in Platoon.
Your marriage
to Denise Richards,
it was kind of like
her Vietnam,
'cause she was constantly afraid
of being killed by Charlie.
But there's no denying
how famous you are.
I mean,
it was international news
when you ruined the lives
of those two girls living
with you--
you know, your daughters.
But, no, I mean, Charlie,
you get a bad rap,
but you're just like
Bruce Willis.
You know, you were big
in the '80s,
and now your old slot's being
filled with Ashton Kutcher.
But all joking aside,
if you ever need a friend
to pee in a cup for you,
I'm your gal.
Thanks for having me.
You know what's funny?
I have never met
William Shatner.
Coming up, William Shatner...
And I'm very much looking
forward to meeting Shatner.
Patrice O'Neal...
That shit is crazy, man.
And Charlie Sheen.
I think if--
Wow. Look at those statues.
What was the question?
All right, our next roaster
is the legendary
William Shatner.
Here he is.
I can't joke about this guy,
'cause I think he's
the [bleep] greatest.
The guy who played Captain Kirk
back before Star Trek looked
like a bunch of gay guys
working in a Mac store,
William Shatner.
Thank you, thank you,
thank you.
Keep it going for Chaz Bono.
Uh, Charlie...
I was driving by tonight,
and I heard that
they were doing your roast,
and I thought what a great--
great opportunity
to offer this young Mexican...
A bit of fatherly advice
he so clearly
hasn't been getting.
You see, I've been doing this
for quite a while now,
and I think that, uh,
I can bestow on you
some of the vast wisdom
from my experience
in this wonderful business
of entertainment.
Uh, first off, Charlie,
I'm, uh...
I'm 80 years old.
You're, what, 47?
How come we look like
we went to high school together?
And, uh...
And you're going too fast, son.
You got to slow down
and smell the roses, my boy.
That's why I have
such a storied and...
Illustrious career...
Because I'm patient.
I was willing
to wait a long time
to get
into the right projects...
Just like
Patrice O'Neal's family.
Okay, Charlie.
So you're out of a job.
Don't feel sad.
I know another famous guy
who was kind to whores
and always kept
12 losers around,
and he got crucified
by Jews, too.
And people worshipped that guy.
Look, look, Carlos...
I've had my share of wild times
with the seoritas.
I've had sex in space
with green women.
Sure, you've had sex
with blue women,
because unlike you, they
couldn't handle their drugs.
You don't need
that kind of press, Charlie!
In my day, if I wanted
that kind of publicity,
I had to do something drastic,
like kiss a black girl......
Or let an Asian drive.
May I suggest
to you, Charlie...
That you reexamine
your relations with women?
Prostitutes cost a lot
of money, Charlie.
Hasn't anyone told you
that actresses
will sleep with you for free?
Man, that's--
that's Hollywood 101.
You should have called.
You know, uh, what will help you
get through this--
this--this tough spot,
something--you have
to give something back.
See, I was at--recently
at a celebrity auction
where I sold
one of my kidney stones
for $75,000.
Oh, yeah.
Oh, yeah.
Do you understand
what I've done?
I synthesized uric acid
and calcium
inside my bladder
and turned it into a house
for habitat for humanity.
Who's the warlock now, bitch?
Actually, Emilio...
We're not that different.
You're a rock star from Mars.
Yes, you are.
And as one rocket man
to another,
if I may give you
my most important piece
of advice tonight--
never, ever forget to book
your next rehab stay
Now, Charlie, see,
you take it from the master.
That little subtle plug there--
$65 right in the pocket.
Whoa, my, look at the time.
Oh, jeez.
I got to simply--
I must get home.
I want to catch
that new Ashton Kutcher show.
Do you--do you know him?
- He's a nice guy.
- No.
I went to high school
with his wife.
Thank you very much.
It was funny.
He was so [bleep] Shatner-y.
How awesome was that?
Our next roaster
is Patrice O'Neal.
You may recognize Patrice
from his many speaking roles
in movies,
but only if you've sat
in front of him in a theater.
I know.
I know. Some of these jokes
may come off racist,
which is why
it's important to remember
that Rosa Parks fought
so Patrice could take
three seats on the bus.
So please welcome a guy
who looks like Chris Farley
after a mine-shaft explosion,
the very funny Patrice O'Neal.
Thank you.
Thank you very much.
I, uh...
It's just strange, 'cause...
I had all this planned shit,
but I didn't...
Like, I didn't know
William Shatner
was gonna be quasi...
Like, a old racist man.
Like, but...
But everybody's giggling,
like, "Whoa, he's..."
You're a [bleep] asshole,
Captain Kirk.
What are you talking about?
Like, I don't respect him,
but, like, I'll respect him,
'cause he's [bleep]
Captain Kirk,
but I think he might be racist,
'cause his hair plugs look like
black girls' [bleep] hair.
This is [bleep] amazing.
Like, I wasn't gonna be mean
to Anthony.
I don't know him.
I never met him.
Like, so I'm sitting
here watching him,
and I'm like, "He has
way too much confidence."
Like, in my world,
he's an open-miker.
Nobody knows him,
and nobody should.
Nobody should [bleep] know
Anthony, uh...
I refuse to learn
his last shitty name.
I learned Galifianakis.
That's the last
shitty last name
this [bleep] gonna learn
in this [bleep] funky town.
He reminds me of
a medieval restaurant waiter.
His whole demeanor.
"Hello, may I welcome to--"
and you just want to go,
"Shut the [bleep] up
"and bring me
my giant turkey leg,
you [bleep] nothing."
How the [bleep] can I be
too mean after all this shit?
I can't believe it.
I'm dying of diabetes,
and you mother[bleep] are like,
"Oh, that evil, fat [bleep]."
You know.
I consider Seth an icon.
I do.
Like, I got a critique
about Seth.
It--it's too much Seth.
Like, it's almost like he's
jealous of his own creation.
Where he wants to prove
"I'm better than the cartoons."
But he's not better
than the cartoons.
See, but I think
the problem is with Seth
is that he don't have
a partner,
you know,
like the South Park guys
or Hanna-Barbera.
I know we've read
that old story
that, uh, Hanna once said,
"I'm bigger than Yogi,"
and Barbera slapped the shit
out of him for saying that?
Seth needs a Barbera...
To slap him and slap him twice.
Once to say, "Hey, man, don't
forget why people love you."
And two,
"Just say you're gay."
No straight man
writes that many show tunes.
That's a fact.
I love Mike Tyson,
and I don't have much to say.
I'm just disappointed and hurt
at how much comfort white people
have around you now.
I don't--I don't like it.
And Steve-O,
this new, subdued,
"not drunk" you,
it [bleep] stinks, man.
Why are you still looking at me
like that, Mr. Shatner, sir?
Are you like, "Boy,
I had more for that [bleep].
I didn't say it.
I should have said it,
'cause he's an asshole.
You're telling it as it is.
You're telling it like it is.
Jeff Ross, I love you, I guess.
Look, Jeff Ross is a legend.
His funniness is a legend.
But when I say "legend,"
I mean a myth...
Like the Loch Ness monster
or Bigfoot.
we all believe they exist,
but who really ever saw it?
Ah, shit.
I've turned down many roasts.
I have--
about three or four of 'em.
And I said yes to this,
and I'm dead-ass serious.
I said yes to this because, uh,
I respect Charlie Sheen.
I do.
I said yes 'cause I respe--
his body of work.
Like, not...
It's all been
very Christian Slater-ish.
Like it just, like...
He sucks, but he's good.
But he sucks at the same time.
Uh, I think
that his stand that he made,
uh, against the business--
I think this
is a [bleep]-up business,
but he stood up,
he still survived,
uh, and he proved
that nobody can keep, like,
a Sheen down, you know?
They can keep a Estevez down,
'cause his brother...
And he's the good one.
That mother[bleep]
do everything right,
and that [bleep] career
is over.
Holy shit.
[Bleep] tiger blood.
He's selling his own blood
to make money.
But I wanted to say
to your eyes, man,
I love that you stood up
to what you thought was wrong,
and, uh, I'm impressed by you,
and I wanted to say that.
So thank you, man.
Thanks for having me.
Y'all take care.
Thank you.
Still to come,
Charlie Sheen goes off.
He's winning.
I mean, when you're winning,
you can take anything.
Give it as good
as you get it, my friend.
I hope all you clowns
are ready for my "sheenius."
And now it is time
for the moment
we've all been waiting for.
We're gonna get to hear
a ranting tirade
from the man himself.
And now, ladies and gentlemen,
I give you a man
with a big heart,
because it's been dangerously
enlarged by cocaine use,
Charlie Sheen.
Wild thing
you make my heart sing
you make everything
come on, come on,
wild thing
Hi. Hello.
I'm Charlie.
Wow [bleep] Wow.
What a night.
Until tonight, I never realized
how [bleep] up I was.
All this time, I thought
I was just having fun.
Yeah, it's true.
It's true.
I've hung around with a lot
of shady people over the years--
losers, drug addicts,
dealers, desperate whores.
But to have you all here
on one night is really special.
My thanks to Seth MacFarlane.
Great job tonight.
Look at you.
Look at you, Seth.
You've got the--
got the spray-on tan,
the waxed eyebrows,
the peck implants,
halogen teeth,
the bleached anus...
The scrotal tuck,
nipple enlargement,
taint augmentation.
But I got to admit, I envy you.
You've got boatloads of money,
three TV shows,
and still, even with
all the work you've had done,
you can talk down the street
totally unrecognized.
Tonight I put all
the craziness behind me.
I say let the past
stay in the past...
With Jon Lovitz.
you're an animal, man.
People say I'm crazy,
but you, you're the real deal.
This guy actually got a tattoo
of his own face on his back.
There it is.
There it is.
Even he knows
it was a huge mistake,
because it makes
Johnny Knoxville's [bleep]
go soft.
Kate Walsh.
I don't know anyone
who watches your show...
Because I date women
who can still get their period.
Anthony Jeselnik.
I really liked
your slow, measured delivery.
It's as if you were trying to--
trying to savor the moment.
Years from now when you're
locking up at Radioshack...
You'll look back
at tonight and say...
Seriously, dude, the only
thing slower than your delivery
is Patrice O'Neal's metabolism.
When I first
saw Patrice on the stage,
I thought the same thing
we all did--
Why is Mike Tyson's
mother here?
But, Mike, no, no,
Mike, Mike, Mike,
- you were fantastic tonight.
- Oh, shit.
By the way, Mike,
I'm sorry for drinking
all the blood out of your tiger.
I was going through
a weird phase.
Ah, look, there he is--
Jeff Ross.
Jeff, Jeff, that Gaddafi outfit
is perfect for you,
because you have what I would
call a Libyan face.
By that, I mean
it's [bleep] revolting.
Oh, hey, look.
It's former funnyman
Jon Lovitz.
Just last week,
we were out on the golf course,
we chatted, had a few laughs,
then he got back
on the mower and drove off.
And Amy Schumer.
Great job.
You really [bleep] me tonight...
Which I dig, because
I'm into anonymous sex.
And no one's more
anonymous here than Amy Schumer.
I mean,
I'm Charlie [bleep] Sheen.
They know me on Mars.
They don't know you
in this room.
You know, I personally asked
that William Shatner be here,
only because I needed
some clean urine.
I had to wring it
out of the diaper,
but it did the job.
Bill, you've always been
an inspiration to my acting.
It was your work on Star Trek
that inspired me
to act like an asshole
until the rest of the cast
stopped speaking to me.
But, look, look,
this has been, um...
This has been both
enlightening and fun.
You are all worthy adversaries.
But the thing is,
once again,
I have come out unscathed.
You can't hurt me.
Hell, I can't even hurt me.
Drugs couldn't kill me.
Sex couldn't kill me.
The press couldn't kill me.
Two and a Half Men
couldn't kill me.
Did you really think
your little jokes
were gonna hurt me?
I'm the wild thing--
Ricky [bleep] Vaughn, man.
You're looking at a guy
who thrives on chaos.
At ten years old, I was
on the set of Apocalypse Now
in the Philippine jungle,
playing with severed heads
in Colonel Kurtz's compound.
When I did Ferris Bueller,
my first line in the film
was "drugs?"
I thought they were asking me
how I wanted to be paid.
After Platoon, Wall Street,
and Major League,
I went on to have the biggest
salary on television.
Sounds great, right?
It was.
No, really.
It [bleep] was.
I did porn stars.
I did drugs.
I had my own television show.
And then...
Then I did the one thing
that everyone in America
really wishes they could do.
I told my boss to [bleep] off.
And then it was gone...
In one fiery
public flame-out.
And it was only
when the smoke cleared,
I realized just how lucky I am,
because even after all that,
I still have a family
that loves me.
That's why
they're not here tonight.
Yeah, they've--
they've seen me in jail.
They've seen me
rushed to emergency rooms.
They've seen me
dragged into court.
But seeing me on basic cable
would kill them.
But I know--
I know that my family
will always be there for me,
What I'm trying to say is that
I'm done with "the winning,"
because I've already won.
- Yeah.
- Yeah.
This roast may be over,
but I'm Charlie Sheen.
And in here--
in here burns
an eternal fire.
I just have to remember
to keep it away
from a crack pipe.
I'll see you all
in the next adventure.
I love you.
Good night. Thank you.
- Oh, he's doing it again?
- Yeah.
Come on, Steve-O.
- Don't hurt me.
- Oh!