Comedy Central Roast of David Hasselhoff (2010) Movie Script

[dramatic music]
[engine roaring]
[overlapping chatter]
[man groans]
Male announcer:
This is the...
- Help me! Help!
[dramatic music]
[shattering glass]
With your...
[engine roaring]
[tires squealing]
And now, please welcome your
roastmaster, seth macfarlane!
[cheers and applause]
- Thank you.
Thank you very much.
Thank you.
How is everyone?
I am seth macfarlane,
the creator of family guy.
And I am here to salute
The greatest cartoon character
of all time...
David hasselhoff.
[cheers and applause]
How do you make jokes
about a joke?
How do you embarrass a man
Who so thoroughly
embarrasses himself?
How do you put someone down
When they're already lying
shirtless on the floor?
Well, that's what
we're gonna do tonight,
With the help of these
d-list celebrities.
[laughter, cheering,
and applause]
W're joined tonight by
the likes of george hamilton,
Hulk hogan,
jerry springer...
This looks like the waiting rom
for a liver transplant.
And look at this,
I's amazing--
Pamela anderson
and lisa lampanelli
In the same room.
The most and least downloaded
women on the internet
Together in the same room.
It's somethi', isn't it?
And of course, we have tonights
guest of honor himself.
Now, there's no denying this
man's impact on our society.
From knight rider
to baywatch
To america's got talent,
to his world-famous singing,
Davi's career has,
Been an unstoppable force that
has circumnavigated the planet.
And with
so many different talents,
It's no wonder that david
has blazed a trail--
A trail that weaves off the pch
and into a pole.
Tonight, david will be subjectd
to the most brutal, painful,
Humiliating moments imaginable
clips from his acting career.
Take a look.
Shall we, as they say,
"go for it"?
- Let's.
- All right,
let's hit it!
- Not a bad lookin' guy,
- 'm david hasselhoff.
- Hooray!
rock music plays
- I'm a lifeguard.
- It's my boss, mom.
- Mitch.
Mitch buchannon.
Come on, push!
It's a little boy.
It's a little baby boy!
- What about germany?
I mean...
How do the--how do the germans
feel about ya?
German crowd, chanting:
Hasselhoff! Hasselhoff!
German announcer:
David hasselhoff is here!
indistinct lyrics
- Damn this beautiful face
of mine.
- You're my buddy.
- The feeling's mutual.
- How 'bout
a little turbo boost?
Would you like an autograph?
- Whatchu talki' about,
knight rider?
- indistict lyrics
- Can you say,
"david hasselhoff"?
- indistinct lyrics
- David hasselhoff.
- [slurred/muffled]
this is a mess.
You said...
- No, I won't.
- What?
- Tell me
you're going to stop.
- I'm going to stop.
- The big hasselhoff himself--
david hasselhoff!
Come on!
- This is talent!
Well, this is called
america's got hasselhoff.
- he was the knight rider,
then on baywatch
and he's got more money
than you've ever had
david hasselhoff
- Hats off to hasselhoff!
- david hasselhoff
- David hasselhoff!
- Some things never change.
- david hasselhoff
says fuck you
- You done good,
[cheers and applause]
- And now, please
put your hands together
For a man who is
a colossal hit in germany,
A country known for making
rational decisions...
Ladies and gentlemen, my good
friend, david hasselhoff!
[cheers and applause]
- ooga chakka ooga ooga
ooga chakka ooga ooga
ooga chakka
ooga ooga
ooga chakka ooga
I can't stop this feelin'
deep inside of me
girl, you just do't realize
what you do to me
when you hold me
in your arms so tight
you let me know
everything's all right
I'm hooked on a feeling
and I'm high on believin'
that you're in love with me
- hooked on a feeling
- and I'm high on
[speaking german]
[cheers and applause]
Danke schoen!
Thank you!
[cheers and applause]
Hey, buddy.
[audience shouting]
- What an entrance.
Look at you,
you handsome son of a bitch.
Take off your hair so I can
run my fingers through it.
You look great.
You know, david...
Here's the thing.
Some people call you
A washed-up,
talentless pile of crap.
Just a terrible human being.
I'd like to thank everyone
for coming tonight,
And let's get started...
With the roast.
David, your--your acting
is like inception.
There's no sense of reality,
It's impossible
to follow wha's happening,
And midway through,
We realize you were unconscious
the whole time.
You know, I'll tell you though,
my friend,
You will always be mitch
buchannon from baywatch to me.
[cheers and applause]
This is a show
that did for lifeguards
What skin cancer
did for lifeguards.
for all his achievements,
For all this man's
many achievements,
It was really baywatch that me
david a global celebrity.
David had an important role--
an important role on baywatch.
His job was to kill boners.
But david is more
than just a terrible actor.
He's also a terrible singer.
He's...H's the only singer
in history
Whose auto-tune
just said, "fuck it."
Now, as you saw
from his big entrance,
David is hooked
on a feeling...
The feeling he gets
from six vicodin.
Recently, however, he...
Hasn't had "time" to do
another huge singing event.
Just like matt damon
and ben affleck
Haven't had "time" to write
another screenplay.
Or anderson cooper
Has't had "time" to find
that special lady.
- [laughs]
David hasselhoff has even
inspired his own drinking game.
Here's how it works.
You be david hasselhoff
And you drink yourself
out of the business.
And the hoff is multilingual.
Now, you may not know this.
He can speak, uh, what,
english, spanish, german,
And whatever the fuck
that language was
In that cheeseburger video.
It is worth noting that
that whole cheeseburger thing
Kind of only made him more
popular in germany
Because they love videos
of half-naked people
Shitting themselves.
Yes, david...
My friend,
you have done it all.
- Thank you.
- You've gone from baywatch
to deathwatch.
And I think...
I think I speak for
everybody here when I say
That what we remember most
of all about you...
Is pam anderson's tits.
[cheers and applause]
[as stewie griffin]
"there they are!"
"pam anderson's tits
are right there!"
[cheers and applause]
[normal voice] and now let's
bring out our first roaster.
This is someone else hollywood
wants nothing to do with--
Lisa lampanelli.
[cheers and applause]
She's what you might call
a sexually progressive woman.
Her--her vagina
is like clorox 2--
Safe for whites,
but really made for coloreds.
I mean, it's--it's okay for me
to do that joke,
Because some of my best friends
are white.
Please welcome "the dairy queen
of mean," lisa lampanelli!
[cheers and applause]
- Mwah!
that was great.
Oh, come on, big hand
for seth macfarlane!
[cheers and applause]
Come on!
His head
is as big as my twat.
Ladies and gentlemen,
we are here tonight
To honor a man
whose career has spanned
Nearly four decades
in entertainment--
Mr. David hasselhoff.
[cheers and applause]
Looking at this turnout,
I can honestly say that you
deserve better.
Seth macfarlane!
Jeffrey ross!
Jerry springer!
I haven't seen
this many geeks
Since I gang banged
the cast of glee.
This dais stinks.
Usually, I feel bad that guys
don't want to pork me.
Tonight, I feel lucky.
But I digress.
David hasselhoff
is a legend!
[cheers and applause]
A giant in television
and music.
David, your singing is huge
in germany.
If they had played your music
in auschwitz,
The jews would've sprinted
for those ovens.
I'm sorry, david.
I just don't get your music.
I've heard that when the u.S.
Army wants to torture an enemy,
They play metallica.
Well, when they want
to torture metallica,
They play david hasselhoff.
David hasselhoff
started his career
On the young
and the restless.
Now, he's known as
"the old and the shit-faced."
Man, david,
were you ever a drunk!
I don't wanna say
david drank a lot,
But his liver
was so black and bloated,
It could have starred
in precious.
David hasselhoff's liver
is so black,
It's fucking two
of the kardashian sisters.
Hmm, look at that old, wrinkled
brown thing over there.
Is that george hamilton
or oprah winfrey's pussy?
I'll be--
It is george hamilton.
Oh, well, there goes
my dead pool.
I joke, george.
You look terrific.
And tanner than ever.
In fact, your skin reminds me
of my first gucci leather bag.
It's true;
whenever I run into george,
I stick my hand up his ass
and look for my car keys.
It's no coincidence
george hamilton loves the sun.
They were born
in the same year.
The difference is,
the sun is actually a star.
[crowd groaning]
[cheers and applause]
In fact, george,
you're the closest thing
We have to a black
on the dais.
Oh, that's not because
of your skin color.
It's because
you're a terrible father,
And you haven't worked
in 20 years.
[crowd groaning]
- Well, I have to say
good night and fuck it.
Fuck it, I'm out of here.
Fuck it. Good night.
First of all, I'm gonna sock yu
right in the...
- Don't forget your walker.
Oh, it's good to see my old pa,
pam anderson, here tonight.
I love ya, pam.
What's the story
with your tits?
They're big, they're small,
they're big.
You've had more surgeries
than roger ebert!
It's a roast, assholes!
- it's called ovulating.
- Speaking of worthless
americans, hulk hogan is here.
[cheers and applause]
Hulk, you were
the greatest wrestler ever!
Hulk hogan became the world
champion by being the first man
To escape
the iron sheik's camel clutch.
That was great.
Now, if only
you had been smart enough
To escape
your wife's camel toe...
- Oh!
- You'd be a lot richer.
In fact, hulk...
It's the sound
of a 19-year-old's balls
Hitting your ex-wife's chin.
- Oh!
[laughter, groans,
and applause]
- [laughs]
But enough about this cast
Of "the real has-beens
of orange county."
We're here tonight
to roast a man
Whose career has crumbled
worse than downtown haiti...
Mr. David hasselhoff.
[cheers and applause]
David hasselhoff's career
has become such a huge disaste,
I just saw an oily pelican
fly out of his ass.
And you quit that cushy gig as
a judge on america's got talen.
What's wrong with you, man?
That was
the worst career move
Since mel gibson bought his
girlfriend that tape recorder.
In closing, you,
david hasselhoff,
Are an inspiration.
Early in your career
when people said,
"david, you can never be
a serious actor,"
You said, "yes, I can."
[choking up]
when they said, "david,
You can never
be a great singer."
you said, "yes, I can."
[fake sobs]
and when people said,
"david, you can never be
respected in entertainment,"
A third time you said,
"yes, I can."
Well, david, simply put...
You couldn't, you didn't,
and you're a douche.
[laughter and applause]
But don't worry, david, you can
always be my baywatch bitch.
Thank you very much,
david hasselhoff.
[cheers and applause]
- Our next presenter,
george hamilton,
Is known for his acting suave
and his perpetual tan.
It's amazing.
He was in roots as a white gu.
[laughter and groans]
I'm not makin' that up.
Here to answer the question,
"what can brown do for you?"
Ladies and gentlemen,
george hamilton.
[cheers and applause]
- Oh, yeah.
[crowd cheering]
I know what
you're all thinking--
"george hamilton has no busines
being on that stage.
He's a movie star."
Truth be told,
I'm not exactly sure
What I'm doing here tonight,
Which is the only thing I have
in common with david hasselhof.
Now before I begin,
I've been asked
To read an announcement.
Please turn off
all your cell phones.
We don't want anyone
getting calls
So we can all experience
what it's like
To be gilbert gottfried.
As you can tell,
I'm a classically trained acto,
But even I can't act like I gie
a shit about these people.
Nevertheless, we're all here
to make fun
Of this beloved icon,
david hasselhoff.
Except for hulk hogan.
He's here to break down the set
after the show.
You know, whenever I attend
an event like this,
My first order of business
is to choose
Whom I'll be taking home
to ravish upon my waterbed.
Whitney cummings...
How I would make
sweet love to you.
But alas, I'm just an old man
with perfect vision.
[laughter and applause]
And I suspect
you might be too.
You know, I was talking
to jeffrey ross backstage
Because I felt sorry for him.
Did you know that jeff's jokes
are so old...
Between the set-up
and the punch line
They have to get up
to use the bathroom.
Ooh, yeah.
Going down the river
to get a sack of cats.
Well, hello, dino.
Okay, seriously, jeff.
If I could give you
one bit of advice...
- Yeah?
- Less roast master,
more stairmaster.
Now greg "geraldo."
I know it's giraldo,
but I just don't give a shit.
The "g" is silent
just like your audience.
You know, when I look
at the dais,
It's obvious
this roast needs me.
I'm the only man up here
who can pull off an ascot.
Well, hulk hogan
can pull off an ascot,
But let's be honest--
he's more likely
To pull off his trousers
and silk thong first.
[light laughter]
Perhaps I'm being
a tad subtle here, hulk.
I'm calling you a fag.
Oh, jesus.
All right.
David, I've followed
your career
From the very beginning
of tonight.
And it's truly incredible.
Like all
the hollywood greats,
David often speaks of himself
in the third person,
As in,
"don't hassle the hoff"
Or, "the hoff needs
his stomach pumped."
And, "damn it, hoff,
Where are you gonna hide
the dead hooker?"
Well, why don't you hide her
in your movies?
She'll never be seen again!
[laughter and applause]
Oh, yeah.
this is an incre--
This is really an incredible
evening, ladies and gentlemen.
You know, you--you see a guy
like this, and you realize
He's been in over 5,000 hours
of television.
[cheers and applause]
Double that
If you count the liquor barn
surveillance cam.
But it doesn't matter,
Because he's made so much money
from baywatch,
He never has to work again.
Still, he refuses
to take the hint.
David, I hope
you've enjoyed this.
I-I-I-I just can't tell
because of your botox.
Could you blink three times
if you had fun?
Congratulations, david.
[cheers and applause]
You're a great sport.
You're loved by millions.
And I just wanna say this
from the bottom of my heart--
Hulk hogan is a fag.
[laughter and applause]
- You killed it.
- Our next presenter,
jeffrey ross,
Puts the "fat jew"
Back in the phrase
"fat fucking jew."
Jeffrey ross shortened his name
for show business.
I don't know if you know this.
His real name is jeffrey ross
isn't funny.
Please welcome a man
Who is as unbecoming
as he is hilarious--
Jeffrey ross.
[cheers and applause]
[upbeat music playing]
- Yeah!
Thank you, baby.
Come on!
Thank you, buddy.
- Yeah, you bet.
- Thank you very much.
[music ends]
oh, my gosh.
All right, here we go.
You guys wanna hear
some dick jokes?
I invented a drink just
for you tonight.
It's called a
"sucks on the beach."
I gotta tell you, hoff,
I'm so relieved you're wearing
a shirt tonight
Because that'll be easier than
picking vomit
Out of your chest hair later.
Oh, but we
must pay gratitude
To tonight's
great roast master, seth.
Great job tonight, man.
[cheers and applause]
Great job.
A man of a thousand voices,
all of them stewie!
Oh, seth, by the way,
south park called.
They want
their everything back.
[laughter and applause]
Anyway, folks,
as you know,
I only roast
the ones I love...
And david hasselhoff.
Finally a jew
gets to roast a german.
Heil hasselhoff!
[cheers and applause]
The only difference
between hasselhoff and hitler..
At least hitler knew
when his career was over.
Oh, why do the germans
love you so much, huh?
Maybe it's because you fill
the entertainment void
Left by anne frank.
[laughter and groans]
Aw, too soon?
You bragged that you performed
at the fall of the berlin wall.
I don't know if I'd take it
as a compliment
If people tore down barriers
to flee the sound of my voice.
Oh, I must admit,
I really did love you
In that cheeseburger commercial
you made.
- Thank you.
Thank you.
- Seriously, hoff,
how's that chain
Of all-you-can-eat-off-the-flor
restaurants comin' along?
You know,
it's kind of ironic
You made millions
playing a lifeguard,
Because every night
you drown in your own sorrows.
The hoff once blew
into a breathalyzer,
And the breathalyzer said,
"whoa, whoa.
One at a time, people!"
Where's my knight rider fans?
I know you're out there.
[cheers and applause]
What a lucky break.
What are the odds an alcoholic
gets cast in a show
About a car
that drives itself?
[laughter and applause]
That's a good one, huh?
That's a good one.
- I like it.
- I heard the hoff
once got so drunk,
He fucked kitt
in the "gashole."
"no means no, michael."
But baywatch, that was
always my favorite.
That was always my favorite.
I think you should have gotten
a special emmy
Just for holding your stomach n
for 12 seasons.
By the end, you had
the biggest tits on the show.
And by the end, you actually dd
run in slow motion.
Ah, and here's my other
childhood hero right there,
The great hulk hogan--
what a cool guy.
[cheers and applause]
Lookin' good, brother!
This guy's
been wrestling so long,
The first time
he pinned a guy,
They counted it down
in roman numerals.
[pounding podium]
- Oh, god.
- Look at you. You look like
dog the pastrami hunter.
- Oh, god,
he's killing me.
- A lot of people don't know
this, but, uh...
- Oh, god.
- Hulk hogan's
real name is...
All: Terry.
- Terry. Even less people
know this.
Lisa lampanelli's real name?
There she is,
lookin' as beautiful as never.
And, of course, there's
my friend, jerry springer,
A man who bathes
in the tears of poor people.
What a life.
What a life this guy had!
He was mayor of, uh, what?
Cincinnati was it, jerry?
- Yeah.
- Then he got busted
with a prostitute.
I mean, really,
Who the hell pays a hooker
with a personal check?
That's like--that's like--
That's like paying a hooker
with a personal check.
[laughter and applause]
Of course pam's here,
Because pam and the hoff
have so much in common--
They both made
embarrassing videos
With meat
stuffed in their mouths.
[laughter and groans]
[cheers and applause]
Wha! Wha! Wha!
Hoff, I know you think
you're so clever,
How you manage to insert the
word "hoff" into everything--
Everything except the sentence,
"hey, I've been "hoffere'
a job."
[laughter and applause]
Whoo! Whoo!
Hoff, of course the last time
we all saw you,
You were sitting beside that
mangled slab of hamburger meat.
I believe her name is
sharon osbourne.
Is she here?
Oh, then fuck her.
Oh, what a treat.
The hoff's beautiful daughters,
hayley and taylor ann, are her.
Give them some love.
[cheers and applause]
So cool you came out
for your dad.
Apparently they're aspiring,
uh, singers.
You know, they say
talent skips a generation,
So you're probably awesome.
And, hoff, the truth is,
everybody loves you,
And we'll all be rooting
for you
As you take the next big step
in your career...
Which will probably be later
when you fall off the stage.
Thanks for being
a good sport tonight,
And I hope
you find work soon.
Heil hasselhoff!
[cheers and applause]
Thank you, buddy.
That was really fun.
That was really, really,
really, really fun.
Thank you, buddy.
That was so much fun.
- Hi, david.
It's sharon.
Do you remember me?
We used to work together.
- David, we're so sorry
we can't be there with you,
But we still have jobs.
- Now, david, it's important,
Really important
that you understand,
We're not the ones that got you
kicked off this show.
- No, no, it was very much
a group decision, david,
Involving the producers,
the network...
- Millions of text messages.
- Oh, and that octopus
That picked
all the world cup winners.
- That's right.
I mean, look.
Let's be honest here.
It was our initial concept,
wasn't it, sharon?
- But it all kind of ran away
with itself.
- And now the critics
just won't stop complaining
It's been our best season ever.
But hey, david,
let's not play the blame game.
It's not your fault we're doing
so much better without you.
- Oh, and just
one more thing, david.
Have you pissed yourself yet
on the plane?
Do you remember
you did that,
Pissing yourself
on all those planes?
You don't have
to do that anymore.
- 'cause you've got nothing
to be ashamed of, david.
- Nothing.
And when you think about it,
You've kind of
come full circle.
- Well, yeah, because you
started on knight rider,
A show about a car,
and now you live in one.
- Congratulations, david.
We love ya.
- We do.
[cheers and applause]
- Our next roaster
is an athlete, a performer,
And a father.
And, hulk, may I say,
your daughter, brooke hogan,
Has blossomed into a very,
very beautiful young man.
- Oh!
That ain't right.
- Hulk, later on when these
jokes are explained to you,
You're gonna be so pissed.
Please welcome the next
great sports star to die,
Hulk hogan!
[cheers and applause]
[hulk hogan's theme song,
real american playing]
- Seth macfarlane, everybody.
Come on, guys!
You know, seth,
I've got a storyline
For your next episode,
Check this out.
You know, brother,
you can probably make a whole
Christmas special out of that.
- Absolutely.
- Time for war.
- Whoo!
- Hey, lisa!
How's it goin', brother?
[laughter and applause]
Hey! Dude!
You know,
I haven't seen you
Since you beat my ass
in wrestlemania iv.
[laughter and cheering]
Of course,
back in those days,
Lisa wrestled under the name
"andre the va-giant."
You know, I'm not gonna mess
around with that jeff ross guy.
You know,
his people are double tough.
The one time
I tangled with a jew,
My ex-wife
got half my shit.
[laughter and applause]
Of course,
I recognized jeff backstage.
His face all puffy,
red, and stubbly.
He looks like
something pam anderson...
I'm sorry.
Do I have to say this?
- You can say it.
- Okay.
- All right.
- [clears throat]
He looks like something
Pam anderson had burned off
her pussy lips.
[laughter and applause]
- oh! Oh!
- You know, guys,
I'm just kidding.
This woman is a legend--
the sex symbol of her era.
[cheers and applause]
- Now--aw.
- Pam anderson has been
in the pages of playboy
More times
than greg giraldo's semen.
The great jerry springer
is here.
[cheers and applause]
You know,
his show always starts
With the crowd chanting,
"jer-ry! Jer-ry! Jer-ry!"
Jer-ry! Jer-ry!
- What they don't show
is the announcer asking,
"who's the sleaziest
Needledick scumbag
in television?"
Jer-ry! Jer-ry! Jer-ry!
- [chuckles]
- well, speaking of something
You don't wanna see
in the daytime,
Whitney cummings is here.
You know, this roast
is a huge deal for whitney.
She got her first taste
of celebrity backstage
When george hamilton
came in her mouth.
[all groaning]
- Too soon! Too soon!
- Too soon?
- Too soon.
- Hey, what do I know?
I'm not a comic, brother.
Seriously, hoff...
Brother, doesn't it bother you
that your career
Is in the same toilet
that lisa drinks out of?
[laughter and groans]
But, brother,
I love you, man,
And I hope you keep on
doing your thing, hoff,
Because when you're gone,
There's nobody that will ever
take your place...
Except maybe that guy
from airwolf.
Well, I guess in closing,
There's just one question
to ask you, hoff.
So what you gonna do, brother,
when nobody will hire you?
- Yeah!
[cheers and applause]
"suck it, hoff."
[cheers and applause]
- Our next roaster
is pamela anderson...
[cheers and applause]
The sexiest woman
in the world of long ago.
Please welcome
the bat-shit-crazy,
Raccoon-eyed, hottest chick
of the prohibition era,
Pamela anderson!
[cheers and applause]
- Okay.
God bless you.
- "god bless you."
[cheers and applause]
- Okay, okay.
This is fun.
Thank you, seth.
Isn't seth adorable?
He has an oil tycoon's money,
a baby's face,
And a baby's penis.
You know, I'm not really known
for stand-up.
I'm more known
for lying down.
Oh, david,
I feel your pain.
I know exactly
what you're going through,
Except when they roasted me,
I was relevant.
It really is awesome
to be doing another roast.
You've all grown so much,
especially you, lisa.
You know, many people
aren't aware of this,
But lisa almost had a part
on baywatch.
[lisa laughs]
Unfortunately it was impossible
to find a ten-piece bikini.
Actually, you know,
I'm really thrilled
Hulk hogan is here,
because, you know,
Every roast needs a dumb blonde
with huge tits.
[cheers and applause]
Hulk, you know,
you've been through so much
These last few years.
You left your wife.
You moved in
with your daughter,
Who looks like your fiancee,
who looks like you.
Wow. I think jerry springer
just threw up in his mouth.
- Oh!
- Oh, boy,
there's george hamilton.
I want nothing to do
with that guy.
As a proud member of peta,
I don't wear fur...
And I definitely
don't talk to leather.
You know, george takes his
tanning very seriously.
His coffin's gonna have
a sun roof.
Now whitney cummings never
has to worry about her skin
Because she sheds it
every spring.
How can we possibly do a roast
without jeffrey ross?
No, seriously, how can we do
a roast without jeffrey ross?
Because, let's face it,
people tune in to these roasts
To see jeff ross
The way they used to tune
into baywatch
To see david hasselhoff.
[person cheering]
I remember how nervous I was
on my first day of baywatch,
Because I can't swim.
But david was so sweet.
He pulled me aside and said,
"don't worry. I can't act."
[laughter and applause]
But, you know, that didn't stop
him from giving me pointers.
When we rehearsed a scene,
he'd always say, "no, pamela.
Read your lines
with more emotion, like this."
And he was right.
It works!
David took his role
on baywatch very seriously.
You know, one time
I actually saw him
Rescue a real person
who was drowning.
David pulled the man ashore,
Gave him mouth-to-mouth,
and, of course,
The man immediately died
of alcohol poisoning.
When we were doing baywatch,
people constantly asked me
If david and I ever had sex.
And the truth is I only screwed
david once.
When I turned down
baywatch nights.
David, I really want to work
with you again someday,
But, you know,
there is just no roles
For someone like me
in gay porn.
[cheers and applause]
- Yes, there are.
- Are there?
Okay. [giggles]
Everyone up here has been makig
fun of david's music career,
But I think, you know,
there's nothing more romantic
Than opening a bottle of wine,
lighting a roaring fire,
And listening
to my hasselhoff cds
As they crackle
in the flames.
But you know what, david?
Our friendship is real.
That's why I'm honored
to be here for you.
You've been an inspiration
to me throughout my career,
And I can't tell you
what a thrill it's been
To overshadow you
on a tv show again.
[laughter and applause]
I love you.
- Yes!
- Good night.
[cheers and applause]
- That was hysterical.
You were great.
- You were great.
I love you, hoff.
- Our next roaster
is gilbert gottfried.
[cheers and applause]
Just watching him perform,
You can tell
he's really got some extra...
What's the word?
[imitating gilbert]
"and I always seem to look
Like someone just squirted
lemon juice in my eyes!"
[normal voice] let's all welcoe
america's creepy uncle,
Gilbert gottfried.
[cheers and applause]
- Seth macfarlane!
Come on, everyone,
take it easy on seth.
It's gotta be hard
for him to do a roast,
Especially because the simpsons
haven't done it yet.
[laughter and applause]
If onlythe simpsons
would wipe its ass
In front of seth macfarlane,
He could learn to do it too!
But sadly,
seth macfarlane's bulky ass
Is caked in layers
Of unwiped excrement and shame
Because the simpsons
haven't done it yet!
Lisa lampanelli!
I'm told lisa had
a little bit of trouble
what to wear this evening.
She couldn't decide
Between the honey glaze
or pineapple slices.
I do have one question.
Where are all the black guys
You claim
to be having sex with?
Are you trying to tell me
in 2010
Black guys still have to fuck
monsters like you?
Do you really think
that in this day and age...
There's a single black guy
Who would be caught dead
Inside anyone
who's the size of a slave ship?
The most degrading thing
is whenever a black man
Has sex with lisa she makes him
move to the back of her vagina.
One time, I almost got my dick
in lisa lampanelli.
Unfortunately, rosa parks
refused to get out of the way.
lisa has an important role
In african-american history.
It turns out the last black man
to pick cotton
Was yanking out her tampon!
[laughter, groans,
and applause]
Here's a joke.
Pam anderson
is walking on a beach.
She stumbles
upon a magic lamp.
She rubs the lamp,
a genie pops out.
And the genie says, "I'm here
to grant you one wish."
Pam says, "I want you
to make v.I.P.
The hit show
it should have been."
The genie says, "even with all
my power, I can't do that.
Uh, can I grant you
a different wish?"
So pam says, "okay.
Can you make
my vagina tight again?"
And the genie says, "uh, let me
take another look at v.I.P."
[laughter and applause]
David hasselhoff walks
into a bar...Every morning,
And then he stays there
till it closes.
[cheers and applause]
You know, I've always heard
that david hasselhoff
Has sold millions
in germany.
But like a lot of stories
out of germany,
Those numbers
are probably inflated,
If not a complete hoax.
- Oh, god.
- David hasselhoff is running
on the beach in slow motion.
He stumbles
upon a magic lamp.
He rubs the lamp,
a genie pops out and says,
"I'm here to grant you
one wish."
David says, "can you make
baywatch nights
The hit show
it should have been?"
The genie says,
"I've seen baywatch nights,
"and even
with all my power,
"I can't make
that show any good.
You'll have to pick
a different wish."
So david thinks and says,
"can you make pamela anderson's
vagina tight again?"
[laughter, cheering,
and applause]
- I don't get that.
- It's--it's just a joke.
[cheers and applause]
- The genie says, "no! No!
"a thousand times...No!
"there's nothing
that can be done
pamela anderso's pussy!"
And then
david hasselhoff says,
"okay, can you make me
a great singer?"
So the genie thinks
and then goes, "alakazam!
You're a great singer."
Well, david hasselhoff
Immediately embarks
on a singing tour,
And the genie laughs
his ass off.
He goes, "oh, my god!
"look at that hasselhoff
out there,
"thinking he can sing!
What an asshole!"
The genie says,
"no greater joke
"has ever been played
on a dumber target!
They should call him
What a mean-spirited prank
That genie played
on that asshole that day!
Good night!
[cheers and applause]
- Very funny.
- Our next roaster
is jerry springer...
[cheers and applause]
The most classless human being
on daytime tv.
And being the most classless
human being on daytime tv
Is quite an achievement...
When your guests
are a pregnant ten-year-old
And a fat lesbian.
Ooze on up here,
jerry springer.
[cheers and applause]
- Hey, champ.
[cheers and applause]
Hello, everyone.
Uh, you're probably wondering
why I'm at this roast,
And I am here
because I worked with david
On america's got talent.
Uh, david is here
because he doesn't.
Jeez, this is embarrassing.
I'm just glad your career's
not alive to see this.
I mean, honestly,
in your whole life,
You've never been
in anything good...
Except pamela anderson.
[groans, cheers,
and applause]
Did you and, uh, pam?
- Uh...
- I tell you what,
if you did, smile.
[laughter, cheers,
and applause]
- Kitt, get me out of here.
[laughter and applause]
[laughter, cheers,
and applause]
Yeah. Uh...
- I guess it's only natural
that david and I became friend,
we're kindred spirits.
On my show, I've had
to contend with whores,
Drug addicts,
and the mentally unstable.
And, david, you had to deal
with pamela anderson,
Nicole eggert,
and gena lee nolin.
I really love you a lot.
I'm not very good-looking,
but I'm rich as shit.
[laughter, cheers,
and applause]
Just saying.
[laughter, cheers,
and applause]
David hasselhoff and I both
have been on broadway,
Uh, which is true,
playing billy flynn,
The lawyer in the musical,
The critics actually said,
you know, I was okay.
But david sang more
like an actual lawyer.
Who knows? Maybe tonight
he'll be able to revive
That huge singing career.
David, why don't you sing
a few more notes for us?
But before you do, uh,
mr. Hogan, would you be so kind
As to deliver a deafening blow
to my head?
I'm kidding, of course.
You have to be careful
when you say things
Like "head" and "blow"
to a fruity like hulk.
[laughter and applause]
Is he lookin' at me?
And now,
my final thought...
[cheers and applause]
You know, david hasselhoff
is one of a kind.
He's an incredibly driven man
Whose ambition
and belief in himself
Has blessed him
with phenomenal success.
And despite
his utter lack of talent,
He's been able to forge an
indelible mark on our culture--
No, rather,
the world's culture.
That's why he can go
into any country
Anywhere on this planet,
And people will recognize him
as a total jerk-off.
Congratulations, david.
[cheers and applause]
- Jerry, thank you.
[cheers and applause]
- Whitney cummings
is the next rising star...
Because this business
is run by dickheads.
She's a feisty gal
with a lot of spunk...
On her neck.
Please welcome
whitney cummings.
[cheers and applause]
- Thank you.
Thank you.
- Hello, gorgeous.
- Oh, very excited. Thank you.
Thank you. Wow.
Oh, man, keep it going
for not trey parker, everybody.
[cheers and applause]
David hasselhoff,
george hamilton, hulk hogan--
I think if we've learned
anything from tonight,
It's that self-tanner
causes you to fail
In the entertainment business.
Look at all these idiots
you've attracted.
Lisa lampanelli,
pam anderson--
You two women
Are like the sisterhood
of the traveling cunts!
Jeff ross, what was
that thing in a speedo?
You are disgusting.
Your dick in a speedo
Looks like a hamster
stuck in a water balloon.
Jeff you are so disgusting.
I wouldn't have sex with you
if I was hulk hogan
And you were brooke hogan.
George hamilton is here.
Okay, whatever.
George, you're so tan,
I'd think you're mexican.
The only difference
is that mexicans work.
Lisa lampanelli is here--
so funny.
Lisa, they say women's bodies
are like wonderland.
Yours is more like
a football field
Because it's 100 yards,
And a lot of black dudes have
sprained their ankle on it.
Lisa, you look like
susan boyle fucked snooki.
Lisa, your vagina's
like a bad movie.
It opened wide,
And all of the wayans brothers
have been in it.
Speaking of we know
you're bald,
Just take off
the bandana already,
Hulk hogan is here.
You're a disaster.
You're always wearing, like,
spandex around your crotch.
You have less sperm
in your balls
Than pam has
in her mouth right now.
[groans and applause]
Pam, your vagina is like
an m. Night shyamalan movie.
Ten years ago,
everyone wanted to see it.
But now when people see it,
they come out, and they're lik,
"what the fuck was that?
Was it an alien?"
"was it dead?
And what was mark wahlberg
doing in there?"
Pam, you've slept with
bret michaels, tommy lee,
And kid rock.
Why don't you just save yoursef
some time
And drink a vat
of magic johnson's blood?
Oh, and by the way, hulk,
All the jokes
I just said about pam
Also apply to your daughter.
[all groaning]
- All right,
you--you wanna get her?
- It's not worth it.
- You're right.
- And now,
for the man of the hour,
Ladies and gentlemen...
David hasselhoff's dick
is like a polaroid picture.
Nobody uses it anymore,
And shaking it
does not make it appear faster.
And your music
is obviously horrible.
I actually tried to buy one
of your songs on amazon.Com.
It said, "users
who bought this item
Also bought a shotgun."
No, you're such a good sport.
Pam, you're such
a good sport.
And, uh, thank you
for letting me be here.
This has been a lot of fun.
And, uh, thank you so much.
[cheers and applause]
- Very funny.
Very funny.
[upbeat music]
- Thank you, thank you.
- You may not know
our final roaster, greg girald.
Neither do I.
He's an esteemed judge
on last comic standing--
A show that, in seven seasons,
has launched nobody.
Please give a tepid
obligatory welcome
To a very funny man,
Who, without these roasts,
would starve to death--
Mr. Greg giraldo.
[cheers and applause]
- Thank you, bud.
Thank you.
Thank you, everybody.
Donny osmond, everybody!
Wasn't she funny?
What a fuckin' bore.
Holy shit!
He's like an executive produce.
That's who hosts
these things now?
Behind the scenes, creative--
whatever the fuck you are.
Holy shit.
Maybe next season we can get
the catering guy
From dora the explorer
to host.
But you know what?
I do--I do love that--that
stewie character on your show.
He's great.
Uh, you made all your money
'cause you created
A fucked-up,
criminal baby.
You're like michael lohan.
How--how, uh...
[laughter and applause]
How--how cheesy
is this dais?
How cheesy is this dais?
It's not a roast. It's a melt.
Jerry springer,
george hamilton--
Look at these
no-talent success stories.
The devil has signed
so many deals with you people,
He's got
carpal tunnel syndrome.
Pam anderson is here,
I hope this isn't
too direct, pam,
But god, I-I've jerked off
to you a lot.
Uh, you--you--you've caused me
to spill more seed
Than muhammad ali
at a bird feeder.
Pam, you...
You have a...
- There's a compliment
in there somewhere, right?
- Jeff ross' big mouth
is here.
Isn't he...
Jeff, what the fuck?
You looked adorable in those
little shorts and everything.
You looked
like andrew dice gay.
How fat
do you plan on getting?
You're fattening up
faster than you're aging.
You're like the curious case
of benjamin glutton.
You bloated hack--
Your jokes are so old, they knw
who george hamilton is.
George hamilton!
You're like--
you're like tang.
You're dry and orange,
And no one has given a fuck
about you since 1968.
[laughter and applause]
Hamilton, you're like
a walking tumor.
Not exactly--it's a big deal
when you spot a tumor.
And, of course,
it wouldn't be a roast
Without "pizza" lampanelli
here, everybody.
Good to see you, lisa.
I've never seen a circus bear
in a pantsuit before.
And you know what?
Lisa seems--
She seems very confident,
but she's actually not.
She's very sweet.
She was telling me backstage
that she had knots
In all four
of her stomachs.
But you are--
you are one fat lady.
You have...
You have more chins
Than a chinese fat chick
with tons of chins,
'cause she's--
'cause she's so fat...
And also a cunt.
And speaking of fat cunts,
hulk hogan's here, everybody!
How about that?
Hulk, people say
you're balding. Balding?
You're balding in the same way
that jeff ross is "fatting."
Hulk, I can't imagine
why your wife left you.
You're an old man who dresses
like a hooters waitress.
Keep--keep your shirt on,
bitch tits!
You're 80!
You had a reality show called
hogan knows best.
It should have been called
hogan grows breasts.
Jerry springer, good to see
he slithered in here today.
Uh, springer,
you--you cultural sodomite.
You're--you have fist-fucked
our civilization
Like gilbert's uncle
on valentine's day.
You were an aide
to bobby kennedy,
Which probably explains
your connection to hasselhoff.
I guess you like
to hang around guys
Whose careers end
on a hotel floor.
[crowd groaning]
You've done--that's a good
fuckin' joke, everybody.
It's what we call roasting.
Anyway, I'm sorry
if the meanness has piled up,
But that's what we do here.
And now...
On to the man
of the happy hour.
One more hand for the hoff,
everybody, huh?
It's about time!
[cheers and applause]
David hasselhoff,
what a legend.
sitting on a lifeguard chair,
'cause that's
what you're most known for.
I guess when we roasted pam,
She should have been sitting
on a dick.
[laughter and groaning]
- Sorry.
- That is--that is
quite a tuxedo.
You look like
adam lambert's prom date.
You're--you're huge
in europe.
You were even knighted
by the queen of England.
She dubbed you
"sir osis of liver."
Hass--hasselhoff, have you--
have you ever not been drunk?
You used to have a car that
started when you talked to it.
Now you have a car that won't
start when you blow into it.
You're such a drunk,
when alcohol does its taxes,
It lists you as a dependent.
[cheers and applause]
You've starred in
jekyll and hyde on broadway.
Give him a round of applause
for that.
It's excellent acting.
You played a guy--
you played a normal guy
Who drinks something
And then turns
into a raging, abusive asshole.
What impressive range.
Maybe--maybe for your next
big leap, you can go out
For the part of washed-up,
drunken cheeseburger eater.
you drunk fuck.
You drink a lot, right?
Your liver is so shriveled,
black, and dead,
If you put your ear to
your side, you can hear it go,
"whatchu talkin' 'bout,
[laughter and groaning]
Your liver...
- Oh, jeez.
- Hasselhoff, you're a good ma.
You're a good dad.
on being honored here tonight.
I know you've taken
a lot of shit,
But you're not gonna remember
any of it.
Let's face it,
he's probably not.
[cheers and applause]
- Whoo!
- And now it's time for
the guest of honor
To have his slur.
He is one
of the most controversial
And reviled figures
in human history.
His March to infamy began
by storming the beaches
With a blond-haired, blue-eyed
army of brainless followers.
At the peak of his powers,
thousands of germans
Gathered to listen to him
stand before a microphone
And spew his hateful,
insane croakings.
But soon he was bombed,
tanked, and hammered.
And as he lay
on the floor of his bunker,
Eating his last meal,
He vowed that one day
he would rise again...
Then fall again...
And then throw up
and then rise again.
Tonight he returns
to face his accusers,
To pull out his dick
at the after-party,
And to finally complete
his master plan...
To invade pam anderson.
Ladies and gentlemen,
stand and salute
The next ruler of the world--
david hasselhoff!
[cheers and applause]
[pop music playing]
- forever and always
I'm always here
- Wow!
[cheers and applause]
[cheers and applause]
I'm exhausted!
Well, what a night!
This has truly been incredible.
Sincerely want to thank you all
for coming
To spend a little time
With a lonely, washed-up,
pathetic drunk...
Greg giraldo.
[laughter and applause]
But look at what
we've got up here, huh?
Jerry springer,
hulk hogan, george hamilton...
[imitating gilbert]
and gilbert gottfried.
[normal voice] I mean, if a bob
were to hit the stage tonight,
The world would lose...
A bomb.
First of all, seth macfarlane,
thank you for not singing.
And thank you
for not telling any jokes.
I've heard rumors
that you like to drink,
Sometimes maybe
a little too much.
Now, be careful, seth.
You don't wanna
end up like me--
Tall, handsome, rich, and famos
all over the world.
[cheers and applause]
People always ask me
if I had sex
With any of the women
on baywatch.
Let's just say, germany isn't
the only thing I'm big in.
[crowd cheering]
Because I am the hoff,
International star
of stage and screen...
And youtube.
And, pam anderson,
my good friend--
Pammy, you look beautiful.
- Thank you.
- I know since baywatch, we've
gone in different directions.
- Yeah.
- Kind of like your nipples.
- Oh, lord.
- But she looks great.
You can still see her running
down the beach every day...
From bill collectors.
And I must say,
I'm very honored
That the great george hamilton
is here.
He is an inspiration!
When I see him, I think,
"man, I hope I look
that good in 200 years."
And jerry springer...
Even though
we've worked together,
I've only seen
your talk show one time.
It was nothing more than skeevy
white trash going at it.
No, wait a minute,
that was pam's sex tape.
[laughter and groaning]
Hulk hogan, thank you.
Thank you for doing this, sir.
You are a legend.
Hulk's been wrestling
for over three decades...
With his sexuality.
And he'll tell you,
The hardest thing about
winning the championship belt
Is finding shoes to match.
[cheers and applause]
[imitating gilbert]
and gilbert gottfried!
[normal voice] good god,
you could be my twin brother,
If I had a twin brother...
And he died in the womb.
Miss lampanelli,
I'm gonna say something to you
That no one has ever said...
Have you been working out?
Enough of you
and more about me.
Now, thanks to me--
[engine turns]
- Excuse me, david.
- Oh, my god.
[cheers and applause]
Is that kitt?
- No, it's onstar.
Do you need
your ambulance again?
Of course it's me,
you liquor-blistered imbecile.
- Oh, my god.
Kitt, that is you!
I thought
that was just a prop.
I haven't seen you
since my last bachelor party.
- Yes,
the bachelor party.
I finally got that
fetid stench of your vomit
Out of my front seat...
And my back seat...
- [sighs]
- And my
glove compartment...
Cassette deck...
- What a night that was.
- Don't worry,
the vomit dried up,
Just like your career.
- Gee, kitt,
I'd love to talk,
But I'm kind of doing
this roast right now.
- David, oh, david...
How can you allow these people
to mock you?
- What are you talking about?
- You're so talented.
You have so much to give.
Are you ever going to get
your life together?
Will there ever be a moment
That I don't have to feel
embarrassed for you?
- Yes.
- When, david?
- Well, this is the moment.
[this is the moment playing]
- what?
[cheers and applause]
- this is the moment
- Oh, god.
David, not now.
- this is the day
- Please, hoff,
don't sing!
- I send my demons
and cheeseburgers
on their way
- Now I'm going to puke.
- every endeavor
I have made ever
is coming into play
it's here and now today
this is the moment
damn all the odds
this day or never
I'll sit together
with the gods
when I look back
I will always recall
moment for moment
this was the moment
the greatest moment
of them
[cheers and applause]
Remember, sometimes life
gives you a wake-up call.
It's how fast you get up,
not how hard you fall.
Now, you guys wanna party
with the hoff?
[all cheering]
Let's go to the party!
Thank you all for coming.
Thank you, everybody!
Yeah, they gave me
this little camera
And I was just kinda saying
hello to everybody.
I think we should have
our own series.
Hamilton and the hoff.
- I'd love that.
-Ham and the hoff.
-Ham and the hoff.
- Perfect!
- [laughing]
- Walking into my--
oh, my god, look at the gifts.
I heard you were trying out
your stuff the other night.
- Yeah, I was.
- At the improv.
- And a kid came to my house
and he said, "be prepared.
He's brutal."
- really? No.
They're gonna love it, man.
- Yeah.
- Who doesn't love to be
the center of attention?
- So long, man.
All right, everyone say,
"hi, hi, hi, hi."
This is ridiculous.
[photographers shouting]
Kind of like--
you know what this is like?
This is like being
at your own funeral,
And you're still alive.