Comedy Central Roast of Denis Leary (2003) Movie Script
( announcer )
It's the comedy central roast of denis leary
Hosted by jeff garlin.
With...
And music by...
Please welcome a man who spent
The last five hours
Getting into
A prosthetic fat suit.
Your host for this evening,
Jeff garlin.
( Cheers and applause )
Hello, and good evening,
Everybody.
welcome to the comedy central
Roast of denis leary.
( Applause )
Uh, a few announcements.
First off,
Nipsey russell has cancelled.
My apologies.
Unfortunately,
Colin quinn didn't.
You know what ?
With none of that in mind,
Please take a look at this.
( Announcer )
Please welcome denis leary.
I'm not happy,
I'm not happy.
Nobody's happy, okay ?
Happiness comes in
Small doses, folks.
It's a cigarette or
A chocolate chip cookie
Or a five-second orgasm.
That's it, okay ?
You come, you eat the cookie,
You smoke the butt,
You go to sleep,
You get up in the morning
And go to fucking work,
Okay ?
One word: drugs.
( Denis )
Cocaine, there's a good idea.
I wanna do a drug that
Makes my penis small,
Makes my heart explode,
Makes my nose bleed,
And sucks all my money
Out of the bank.
Can i do that ?
I wanna make
This face all night.
I don't do illegal drugs
Anymore.
Now, i just do
The legal drugs.
tonight, i'm on nyquil
And sudafed.
Forget about
Cocaine and heroin.
all you need is nyquil
And sudafed,
I'm telling you right now--
You must
Have some cold.
Uh, actually,
It's for my kids.
What kind of massage
Do you want today, dave ?
Uh, i was hoping for
Something special.
Upper body ?
Yeah, upper body.
And you know, if you feel like
Throwing in some lower body.
I love tits.
I'd like to be the mayor of
Tit town, if i could, okay ?
I'd like to drive
A big truck full of tits
Down the tit turnpike,
Right into the middle
Of tit town !
Oh, come on, i'm not
A bad-looking guy.
( Scoffs )
What, what ?
You wouldn't do me
If you were gay ?
Deep down inside...
Everybody's gay.
This is how it starts,
Probably.
It starts with us
Talking about your gigantic ass
Here in the car and then
In about a month
We're sitting
On a couch somewhere
Holding hands and watching
"The wizard of oz"
On d-v-d wide screen !
I represent angry, gun-toting
Meat-eating people, pal !
( Screaming )
I just beat up
Santa claus.
You blind ?
It's me.
Thank you !
thank you, thank you,
Thank you, and fuck you !
Life sucks.
Get a fuckin' helmet,
All right ?
( Cheers and applause )
Ladies and gentlemen, tonight,
We're not gonna be mean.
Mean is easy.
Mean is cheap.
Anybody can be mean.
You know
Who's mean ?
Denis leary is mean.
That's easy,
We're not going there.
Uh, we're going out to
Over 46 countries,
But oddly enough,
Not in america.
They don't get
Denis leary here.
But in sweden, for example,
See, i toured with him there.
He's huge !
He's the king of comedy.
You know what they call
Denis in sweden ?
( Scandinavian accent )
Denis leary.
Denis, you do it all.
Denis not only served
As the producer of "the job",
But he also produced
The movie "blow".
The job, blow.
All i can tell you
On basic cable
With kids watching
Is that denis loves
To get his cock sucked.
Ladies and gentlemen,
Nick dipaolo.
Why are we roasting you ?
You're irish.
Shouldn't we
Be boiling you ?
Put a couple of potatoes
And a carrot behind you.
I'm like, "what are
We supposed to wear ?"
They said, "think irish wake."
I'm like,
"Irish wake ?"
Well, that's right.
We're celebrating
Denis' career.
That's about right.
Colin quinn's here tonight.
Colin--
Yeah !
a few years ago,
People magazine
Listed the 50 most interesting
People in showbiz,
And they put colin in there.
He came right after
The hairdresser
For "earth, wind and fire"
And right before the guy
Who invented the lobster bib.
lenny clarke,
What, did the bowflex e
Get lost in the mail ?
Holy shit.
how can you have a coke problem
And a weight problem ?
This is unbelievable.
What are
You snorting ?
Confectionery sugar ?
Jesus christ.
How about a hand
For adam ferrara ?
Come on, folks.
He's like tony danza
Without the jokes.
We've got
Dr. Dre over there.
Yeah.
I'm just happy to meet
A black guy
Who's got the title
"Doctor" in his name,
Who's not wearing a grass skirt
And a bone through his nose.
Ed lover, i know
Nothing about you, man.
i put you in the fucking--
The yahoo search thing, and...
I did !
I put "ed lover"
In the search thing.
I ended up looking at j-pegs
Of teenage, you know,
Cheerleaders
Being pissed on
By a pit bull named
Chuckles.
Kiefer sutherland's here.
( Cheers )
i read an article in esquire
Kiefer sutherland did.
He said how he had to sleep
In a car for two years in l.A.
It must have been tough,
tossing and turning
In a mercedes 450 s-l...
When it's parked in front of
Your fucking father's mansion
In hollywood,
That must have been...
He said his dad didn't help him
With his career.
Yeah, and
Tori spelling's an orphan.
And the man of the hour,
Give it up for denis, please.
( Cheers and applause )
Let's focus
On denis' film career
Since his agent didn't.
People make fun of the one
You did with sandra bullock,
"Two if by sea",
But did anybody see
The other piece of shit
He made, "neon bible" ?
Yeah, exactly.
This made "two if by sea"
Look like "casablanca", okay ?
Me and my wife
Wanted to walk out
Halfway through the film,
We couldn't.
The lines were
Too long at the exit.
"Operation dumbo drop",
Let me ask you,
At what point when
You were reading the script
Did you say, "i have to do this
Fuckin' film ?"
Was it when you
Were fighting with ray liotta,
Or was it when you were
Strapping a parachute
To an elephant's
Asshole ?
Is that when it hit ?
I understand why
You did the movie.
I mean, it's not every day
You get to work
With the guy
Who wrote "police academy 4".
You've made more bombs in
The last five years than hamas !
Folks, i love denis leary,
He's done
A lot for my career.
Thank you very much, denis !
( Cheers and applause )
Hi, there.
I'm television's
Conan o'brien.
I know we're here to roast
Denis leary this evening,
But i'm not gonna do that.
I have too much respect
For denis.
You see, unlike most comedians,
Denis has convictions,
Integrity.
In a dishonorable
Business,
He's a man of honor
Who stands for something.
Now, i have more to say
About denis
After this quick message.
You want your car
To last forever, right ?
How do you feel about
Friction, tightwad ?
( denis )
This is quaker state higher mileage engine.
Proven to reduce friction,
And condition seals.
We're back.
Denis, of course,
Is famous for his anger.
A righteous anger
That he reserves for only
The most deserving of targets.
More on denis,
Right after this.
Over time, seals combust.
Hey, hey !
Rings can blow.
Don't forget
Metal-to-metal contact !
And we're back.
And denis isn't just a hero
Here in america,
His reach is global,
And his message is
One for all mankind.
( Speaking in spanish )
So denis,
Here's to you.
Thanks for keeping it real.
Right now, i want
To introduce a fellow
Who's playing roger healy
In the off-broadway production
Of "i dream of jeannie".
Please welcome adam ferrara !
( Cheers and applause )
Thank you, jeff.
Good to see you
Again.
And congratulations
On all your success.
hbo is doing a spin-off series
Starring jeff.
It's called
"Curb your appetite".
Hiya, pal !
Is this great ?
Look at this.
The red carpet,
This set,
A kick-ass band.
You are not only
A fine actor and a stand-up,
You're a magician.
Anybody who can get
This kind of money
out of
Fucking comedy central.
Vincent,
Good to see you.
All "the sopranos"
Boys are here.
"The sopranos" boys are here,
And if anybody asks,
They've been here since 4:30.
Robert deniro is not here
This evening
Because he's
Robert fuckin' deniro.
You went from being
In a movie with
Deniro and dustin hoffman,
To doing a t.V. Show
With lenny clarke and me.
next stop, quaker state.
It was
A great show.
I'm talking about, of course,
"The job"
And i gotta thank you
For that gig, chief.
I really do.
It was the best
Two weeks of my life.
Really,
Seriously.
Ladies and gentlemen,
I learned so much about my craft
By being on that show,
And watching one
Of the true masters.
I love you too, pal.
Lenny clarke.
How are you, musty ?
All right,
Sit down.
You're rocking the stage.
You were an altar boy,
Right ?
No wonder you're so angry.
Show me on kiefer sutherland
Where the priest touched you.
You know why i like
Working with this man ?
He's a true leader.
I admire
Your self-confidence.
Some perceive it
As severe narcissism,
But not me.
I'm sure a lot of guys jerk off
In front of a mirror...
Backlit...
While an orchestra plays
The "asshole" song.
I've been to denis' farm
Up in connecticut,
Or, as it's commonly known,
The never-glad ranch.
If you ever get a chance
To go to leary world,
Get the three-day pass.
It includes the whiskey
And water slide,
20,000 leagues
Under the influence,
Mr. Leary's angry ride,
And my personal favorite,
"It's a small penis after all."
You really are irish.
But the most impressive thing
About the place is,
he paid for it all
With marlboro miles.
While i was there,
I met his entire family
And there's thousands of them.
Packs of nieces
And nephews.
Seven-year-old learys, just
Looking up at you, smoking.
"You like
Spongebob squarepants ?
"Yeah ?
I think he's a pussy."
Well, chief, i want you
To know something.
the work you do with
The cam neely foundation.
every year,
The cam neely foundation,
"Comics come home".
And your tireless efforts with
The leary firefighters fund,
You, yes.
You're a noble,
Generous man of character...
to them.
To me,
You're a miserable prick.
I love you, now go
Fuck yourself.
Here's the thing.
I directed you in the film
"Lakeboat",
Let me tell you.
I've seen better acting
In a cambodian whorehouse.
Now, listen to what
I'm telling you,
You bloated, alcoholic
Leprechaun,
You get paid
To tell jokes onstage,
But you know what
The biggest joke is ?
Your career.
You go from starring
In features,
To starring in
Your own failed sit-com
To being roasted
On basic cable ?
That's hilarious.
no, it's fucking
Hilarious.
And you have the balls to call
Yourself a comedian ?
Your material's more dated
Than shannen doherty's twat
So why don't you go out
And make another movie
That nobody'll see,
And then down another
Bottle of cheap whiskey ?
That's what i'm saying !
( Upbeat music playing )
please welcome the star
Of comedy central's
"Tough crowd with colin quinn"
And let me just say,
He could be funny tonight.
Seriously.
No, no, no, really,
You never know.
i don't think he's funny,
But he might be tonight.
Who knows ?
There's only
One way to find out.
Ladies and gentlemen,
Colin quinn.
( Cheers and applause )
Thank you very much.
I'm the fourth-biggest
Star here.
Does that bother you ?
It should.
Now, look--
Oh, this is pathetic.
We got kiefer, liz hurley,
And who is that ?
Robert evans' kid ?
Throw him up
There, den.
Sit with them, denis,
That's a good idea.
Don't sit with
Your comedian friends.
Sit over here.
But i, um,
I know he's a good friend.
Denis is good friends with
A lot of stars,
Like he's good friends
With sean penn,
Which always bothered me.
I'm sure
It bothers everybody.
I'm sure it bothers nobody
More than it bothers sean penn,
Actually, but--
Now, kiefer sutherland
Is here.
I don't think they ever
Worked together, either.
It's like, i think
Denis called sean and said,
"Hey, man,
I got a roast."
And he said, "i'll get you
Kiefer, i'm not coming."
You're lucky kiefer
Said yes,
Or i'd be here
Making "mighty ducks" jokes
At emilio estevez.
All right.
See, that's what denis
Has to realize...
That he's a star
To us in comedy,
But to his star friends,
He's not a star.
I saw him
One afternoon coming back
From clint eastwood's house.
And who goes to lunch with a
Pair of pliers in their pocket ?
He was fixing stuff
For clint.
I saw him leave
Kevin spacey's house,
He had grease under his nails.
Now, that was
A social call, true--
Oh, boy.
Ooh, inside news.
Denis-- the smoking thing,
I think somebody
Was talking about.
And it is kind of
A serious thing.
We all want him
To quit smoking, obviously.
Right ?
But they actually took
A chest x-ray.
They took a chest x-ray
Of denis
And up on the chart,
It was a picture of god
Giving him the finger.
but let's talk about
The company, apostle.
he has a company meeting
At apostle.
Leary, serpico,
And siletti in a bar.
The meeting starts, siletti
Talks about the budget.
After 10 seconds,
Leary interrupts,
Says he wants a cigarette,
And he can't believe
He can't smoke in a bar.
Then they look at a script
That was written by leary,
Peter tolan,
Two firemen on bar napkins.
They get bored, so they drive
Over to the gym
Where lenny has
Just worn down the brakes
Off another elliptical machine.
When lenny presses
The heart rate monitor,
A picture of john candy waving
To him comes up.
No !
In 1987, this is true.
Lenny used to do a little,
Well, you know--
We don't say that--
But the drugs.
Lenny got a handwritten
Thank-you note
From pablo escobar, all right ?
Then, they pick up adam ferrara,
Who's in the steam room
Doing one of his bits for
A 70-year-old russian immigrant
That doesn't speak english.
Adam's one of those guys
That does his bits
While he talks to you.
It's like robin williams, only
You don't have to be polite,
Because he can't hurt you
In the business, you know ?
And you've got nick dipaolo.
He burns bridges
While he's crossing them.
He's the only comedian that
Heckles the crowd, you know ?
You've got ed, dr. Dre
And ed lover over there.
They were the original
"Yo ! M-t-v raps" guys,
You know ?
They brought black culture
Into white suburbs.
They're the guys to blame
When your daughter comes home,
And says, "daddy, this is
Antonio mcdyess."
Um, when you come
Home early from work,
And your daughter's
Standing there
In just a trailblazers jersey,
eating a bowl of fruity pebbles
With rasheed wallace,
These are
The son of a bitches you can blame.
Um, well, that's about it,
Denis.
I love you,
I've known you a long time.
You're a great guy,
And thank you.
That's it,
Thanks, folks.
Good evening.
I don't wish to add
To the verbal assaults
Already fired upon my friend,
Denis leary,
But i will give you
My take on denis.
See, most people
Are scared of denis.
They find him intimidating
And ill-tempered.
Not so.
The denis i know
Is a sweetie pie.
Look into his eyes
As i have,
And tell me you don't see
A tortured saint.
And that hair,
The color of ripening wheat.
Have you ever looked at denis'
Hands ?
How can a man's hands
Be so lovely ?
I'll tell you how.
He puts makeup on them.
They don't need makeup,
But that's denis.
So if you think denis is mean,
Ask yourself...
Would a mean man
Use hand makeup ?
And so, denis, i am honored
To be here to honor you.
Don't let them be too mean,
You delicious mush puff.
I'll give you a big hug.
You know, the building,
This building is, of course,
Named after
Oscar hammerstein,
Who wrote
"The sound of music",
"Carousel", and
"The king and i".
Wait, i'd better stop with
The broadway musicals
Before mario cantone
Completely lets loose
With the jizz.
You know who's really been
A great sport tonight,
Do you have any idea ?
He's been so wonderful,
So forgiving.
The language has been,
You know, uproarious,
If you can describe
Language that way.
But you have been wonderful.
Please welcome denis' priest,
Father don gavin.
Well,
Thank you, thank you.
This is tough company,
Watching all
These professional comedians
Attempting to be funny.
And uh,
God does forgive.
He doesn't forget,
But he does forgive.
He's all seeing,
All knowing.
He knows when you're sleeping,
And he knows when you're awake.
He knows when
You've been bad or good.
I could quote the scriptures
Forever.
But i have been
A priest for 30 years.
I'm not a particularly
Religious man, but--
No, i'm serious.
I became a priest 'cause
I'm lazy is what it is.
I got tired
Of chasing the chicks,
And not getting them.
So that's why
I'm doing what i do now
And i have my problems,
I drink.
I drink when the--
When i'm awake.
And i'm gambling
Because of this man.
I went to see him at foxwoods,
The indian resort.
I went down there.
It was the first time
I ever gambled.
I've been
Back quite a bit.
I have my own teepee.
And i have
Money problems.
Boys and girls out there,
Don't get into priesthood
For the money.
It's just not worth it.
I got a loan
From my bank.
They sent me
This threatening letter.
"We have not received
Your final payment."
I wrote them back and said,
"Yes, you have."
And, uh...
Yeah.
They were not aware of it.
But i have had
Some money problems.
I mention that, because, well,
The collection plate,
Not as much money
In there as there used to be,
I can assure you.
Because of some of my--
Some of my colleagues',
Can i say, shenanigans
Would be a good word.
Which actually reminds me
Of a joke.
A priest, a rapist and
A pedophile walked into a bar,
And that's just
The first guy.
All right, good, now...
( Cheers and applause )
But i do thank you.
Denis and i, we do
Go back a long time
And i tell you what,
It's great to be around
A guy that does not
Forget his friends,
And i mean that sincerely.
Thank you.
Thank you.
Last time
I hug a priest.
Denis leary
Loves animals.
He absolutely adores
His irish wolfhound
Who wanted to be here tonight,
But he double booked.
And when, you know,
A dog double books,
That's like 14 human
Double bookings.
Please welcome denis'
Irish wolfhound, clancy !
( Gilbert gottfried )
Hi, i'm one of denis' wolfhounds.
I'm on my way to
The veterinarian's office.
You see, i had a chance to watch
Denis perform,
But i thought
I'd have a lot more fun
Having my balls cut off.
( Rim shot )
You know, i've been denis' dog
For 12 years.
He loves me
'Cause i'm irish.
And i love denis 'cause
He smells like dog ass !
( Rim shot )
You know, denis used to
Paper train me
By using his movie scripts.
That way,
I had a chance to shit on them
Before the critics did.
You know,
When i look up at denis,
I see willem dafoe
Without the talent.
I see an ugly bryan adams.
I see sting
With a.I.D.S.
You know, if you want to enjoy
A denis leary comedy album,
Do what i do
Every morning.
Get out your copy
And take a gigantic dump on it.
As denis' pet,
I get to see a side of him
That most of you never do.
Denis,
The devoted father.
Denis, the family man.
And of course,
Denis, the jew hater.
Well, denis, i'm going off
To have my balls cut off.
But don't worry about it,
You can still lick my asshole.
Please welcome
Gena gershon !
Denis.
Denis,
This is my song to you.
How i feel...
And it's straight
From my heart.
This is for you, pal.
He's a charming
And talented man, yeah
Always giving
All that he can
He's a friend like
No one i know of
So let's give him a tribute
Of love
Ah, fuck that.
Lighten up
It's a roast
Tonight leary's
Balls are toast
Yeah, we'll all get
A kick
Out of
Busting that prick
Lighten up everyone
It's a roast
Oh, yeah !
Look, denis,
Your ultimate fantasy !
Fuckable cigarettes !
Nice butts, girls !
Beat it,
Move over to the side.
Let me help you out
Over here.
Oh, yeah.
They sent you all two from
The radio city rockettes.
I'd better
Help them out here.
Yeah.
Get the fuck outta here,
You're bugging me.
Better watch it
Before denis shoves you
Up bloomberg's ass.
He was in
"Thomas crown affair"
With rene russo
And it was schlock
But as
An interesting fact
She's got a much
Bigger cock
He's got style
He's got class
We're gonna kick him in his
White irish ass
Yes he's funny
And quick
But he's still a big dick
And he keeps hanging on
To that smoking-guy shtick
As celebrities go
Mr. Leary's our pick
Lighten up everyone
It's a roast
Yeah.
All right.
Now, via fake satellite,
Miss rene russo.
When i was asked
To participate in this event,
I was not told
That i was gonna have to be
Subjected to this crap.
I don't even know
Nina gershon.
What the hell
Was she singing ?
You know, that's exactly
How rumors get started.
That's all i need,
Are paparazzis camped outside
My fucking house
Trying to get a crotch shot.
Or moms in the carpool lane
Staring at me.
Anyway...
You know
The truth, denis.
You were in my trailer.
Uh, our next performer,
There are two words to describe
Our next performer.
Really,
Really funny.
Mario cantone.
Okay, gena gershon
Coming out.
You know, i went to college
With gena and denis.
I went to college.
I went to emerson college
With denis and gena.
No applause.
At the time, the school was
A 60% gay school.
Denis ended up staying there
For two years and teaching.
You're so gay.
I can't even,
I can't even look at you.
We were lovers, we were
Fucking completely.
He won't even--
Kiss-- i want you to--
I want you to kiss me
On the mouth right here,
And show everybody in this
World what we were.
I feel like
Barbara stanwyck.
Kiss me on the mouth,
Like a lover !
No, it's all right.
You couldn't
Anyways,
'Cause you don't have that kind
Of a range as an actress.
I've seen him naked,
I have seen him naked
And it hooks to the left.
And it's not, for an irish guy,
It's not that small.
It's really not--
It's all right.
It's not bad,
But it hooks !
He's got a pirate dick !
He wears
A patch over one ball.
Elizabeth hurley.
She is so gorgeous,
I would fuck her.
I have never seen anybody more
Beautiful in my life.
Except i'd have
To use nick's dick
But i could do it.
All right.
Thanks for
The gift bag, too.
They gave us this lovely
Gift bag, you know,
For doing this.
Which i thought was really,
Really nice.
Thank you
For your c-ds.
Your "no cure for cancer" c-ds.
And "the job" d-v-d,
"The job" d-v-d.
The complete first
And second season.
Let me put a little reality
On the plate here.
There was no
Fucking second season !
Where was
The second season ?
There was no-- oh, the lost
Episodes of "the job".
For special features,
Click down !
Click, click, click, click !
that show's so bad, tivo
Would reject the repeats !
You're a little weathered.
You're a little
Weathered lately.
Bronzer ?
Tan--
No, it's fucking makeup.
His shit is so thick
You can't even--
And then he
Made fun of me !
We were at this thing, we were
At the tribeca film festival
And they were like, "would you
Like a little powder ?"
I was like, "yeah."
He was like, "you're gonna--
You're gonna put makeup on ?
You're gonna put makeup on ?"
I was like, "yeah."
you-- you came to carnegie hall
In makeup for rehearsal !
you go to non-television
Events in mac makeup.
It looks like you
Just fucked rupaul !
Ugh !
He is in "full beat" !
it looks like mary kay's
Pink cadillac
Ran you the fuck over !
And i love you,
Denis.
Thank you very much.
Hi, i'm michael j fox.
And this is eunice.
Eunice is 85 years old
And a parkinson's patient.
Eunice has but one wish.
That denis leary stop
Volunteering his time
For parkinson's research.
You see, denis, showing up
Late and drunk
To fundraising events,
Mouthing off to doctors
And potential donors,
It's just not helping.
So please,
Denis.
Think of eunice,
And the thousands of
Other parkinson's sufferers.
Do something else with your
Ample frickin' time.
Thank you,
I'm michael j fox.
Some of you might recognize
These guys
As the hosts of
"Yo ! M-t-v raps"
But most of you will have
No idea who they are.
Put on your thinking caps.
Please welcome dr. Dre
And ed lover.
Denis has had a very
Impressive film career,
And we thought we'd give
You guys a quick overview,
To refresh your memory.
But because
There are so many,
We kept all the reviews
Down to two words.
So let's begin.
"Professor" ?
Yes, sir.
"Ice age" ?
Not "shrek".
"Double whammy" ?
Triple crappy.
"Company man".
You're fired.
"Jesus' son".
Holy shit.
"The thomas crown affair".
Watch original.
"True crime".
Against cinema.
"A bug's life".
Call exterminator.
"Wide awake".
Not us.
"Monument avenue".
Bad title, brother,
Bad title.
"Wag the dog".
Dog crap.
"The matchmaker".
The crap taker.
"Operation dumbo drop".
Operation fucking
Boredom over here.
A classic,
"The ref".
Personal foul.
"Judgment night".
It sucked.
"Demolition man".
Why, denis ?
"Who's the man" ?
Now, that's
Classic material.
That was a great film.
Beautiful film.
( Cheers and applause )
There you go.
That's a nice
Piece of work.
"The sandlot".
The litter box.
"The loaded weapon".
Loaded diaper.
And ladies and gentlemen,
That oscar-winning performance,
"Two if by sea".
Fuck you.
Thank you.
Thank you, folks.
It's been
Our distinct pleasure
Reviewing these movies.
Good luck
Tonight, denis.
Mr. Sutherland,
It's a pleasure.
Miss hurley, and your
Ambiguously gay fellow friend,
Wonderful to see you both.
Now we know
Who's fucking mario cantone
Later on tonight.
We love you, buddy !
God bless.
So, tonight,
Everybody's been slammed
To one degree or another.
But this next performer is
So gifted and so talented.
He's a vivacious talent,
Who really-- i'm moved
To tears when i see him perform.
I laugh,
I'm overwhelmed.
I'm talking, of course,
About dane cook.
Dane cook is-- dane,
You're too talented
To fuck with.
Really,
You're that talented.
You are so talented, my balls
Right now are clapping.
My balls are clapping at how
Talented you are, dane cook.
Please come out here
And show the young people.
Dane cook, everybody.
( Cheers and applause )
Wow, jeff,
Jeff garlin.
What about jeff all night,
Jeff, right ?
Kiefer sutherland,
How you doing ?
How you doing,
Good to see you.
I've got a great plot idea for
Your show this coming season.
You've got 24 hours
To resurrect your film career
Or you're gonna start
Hocking motor oil,
Like johnny handsome
Over here.
Good to see you,
Loved you in "lost boys".
It's a great movie !
It's a classic !
Colin quinn, ladies and
Gentlemen, colin quinn.
Colin, you started off
Your career on the game show,
"Remote control".
And isn't it--
Yeah, yeah !
Isn't it ironic that
That's what most of america
Reaches for now when
Your new show comes on ?
Nick dipaolo.
Nick, right ?
Nick right over here.
Nick, anti-semitic ?
Yes.
Homophobic ?
Of course.
Racist ?
Totally.
Misogynistic ?
Without a doubt.
But what you guys
Don't know about nick,
Is he still sleeps in
A racecar bed.
And say what you want
About this other shit,
That's just adorable.
Mario,
Mario cantone.
Mario, some people say
You're not very friendly.
Some people say
You're unapproachable.
But i'll tell you something
About this guy,
He's got a real soft spot
For young comedians.
It's called his asshole.
See how i wrinkled
That a little ?
All right.
Let me tell you
How gay mario is.
Truly,
Seriously.
Because i know you've heard it
All night.
Let me just,
You know, close it up for you.
He is so gay
That when gay people
See him on the street,
They're like, "fag !"
I'm still waiting for you
To come out, bitch.
All right.
All right, i'll be there
In 10 minutes, honey.
Dr. Dre and ed lover,
They're here tonight.
And be sure to tip them
When they bring your car around
After the show.
Denis, denis.
A lot of boston guys here
Tonight.
Denis, we've got lenny clarke,
We've got nick, mario.
Who knew the red sox curse
Affected comedians' careers ?
During the '80s, denis,
Few comedians
Took a stand.
And had the courage
To speak out
And support their beliefs
And that all changed when
Denis did "no cure for cancer".
You came out, denis,
Yeah.
You came out
Against vegetarians.
And you stood up against
Non-smokers.
And because
Of your valiant efforts,
Today, meat--
Still available.
Tobacco-- still going strong.
Cancer--
Winning.
Woo !
In closing, denis,
You know i'm kidding,
And you know
You're a great guy.
And it makes me feel
So special
To know that if i ever need
Anything at all from you,
Jim serpico
Is just a phone call away.
I love you, buddy,
Thank you.
If you want to toast denis,
I'm your man.
If you wanna roast him,
I'm sorry, i love the guy.
You know, i think he just
Gets a bad rap
Because of
The whole gruff thing.
( Deep, gruff voice )
Hey, this is denis, what do you want ?
He used to scare
The heart out of my wife.
You know, but not anymore.
Because when
I'm on the road,
When i'm away from home,
He's the first one to call.
He says, "can i help you
With the yard work ?"
Which is funny because
I think the only things
I've ever seen in his hands
Is a cigarette
Or a hockey stick.
But he keeps
An eye on the kids,
He keeps an eye on my wife.
And he's looking
Out for me.
And i don't forget that.
The thing is,
I hope he gets a job soon,
Because my kids are calling
Him "dad".
I mean, right now
They're all together.
My wife, denis, the kids.
They're back at my house,
Back east,
And they're having
A great time.
I just got off the phone
With my little girl
And i said, "where's mommy ?"
She said, "oh, mommy's
Down with denis
Playing hockey in the pond."
you know, which is funny,
Because my wife hates hockey.
And, uh...
And it's 80 fuckin' degrees
Back there.
There is no fuckin' ice.
Ladies and gentlemen,
Mr. Lenny clarke.
( Cheers and applause )
Denis and i have
A lot in common.
We both smoke and hang out
With supermodels.
Some of them are
Chubby chasers.
They are.
But i gotta tell you,
People ask me, "well,
How do you know denis ?"
I say, "well, i've known
Denis for about 25 years now."
I remember when
We were doing lines
And now we're reading lines.
People say, "did he do
A lot of drugs ?"
I say, "no."
Denis didn't,
Look at him.
What's he, 6'3, 6'4,
110 pounds ?
Nah.
Make a lot of jokes
About me being fat
But how about him
Being skinny ?
this guy could use a kotex tube
For a sleeping bag.
You know,
Denis leary's been my friend
For a lot of years.
He's given me
A lot of work,
Helped jumpstart my career.
I didn't do any
Of his big hits,
But you know,
There was "the job".
And i was out of work
And divorced
And drinking and drugging
And collecting money
From people.
You guys know
What i'm talking about.
He said to me, "you know,
I wrote this part for you
In 'the job'."
I said, "really ?"
he says, "yeah, but a-b-c wants
To go with another guy."
I go, "what ?
You go in there, and you tell
Them that that's my part !"
He says, "you want me
To go in and tell them
To give you the part just
Because you're my friend ?"
I went, "yeah !"
He goes,
"I can't do that."
I said "well, maybe you're not
My friend."
And he made me dance
Like a monkey on a hot plate
To get that part
And i got that part.
And he said, "aren't you happy
That you got it on your own ?"
I said,
"Not one fucking bit."
Mario, i didn't even know
You were gay.
I didn't,
I didn't !
I like you.
Some men like men,
And well,
Women are probably
The number one reason
Why i'm not
A homosexual today.
All right, i blew one guy,
But i needed a ride real bad.
I'm teasing,
I'm kidding.
I didn't need the ride.
But,
I gotta tell you,
This guy does a lot of things
For people
That he doesn't want
Anyone to even know about.
But you are one of
My dearest friends.
I love you like a brother.
And i'd take
A bullet for you.
I just hope it's not tonight.
And i just want
To thank you, man.
I love you.
All right.
Hey, everybody.
I'm so sorry that
I couldn't be there tonight,
But i had this really--
Ah, i can't fool
You guys.
I could have
Been there tonight.
Actually, i've got
Nothing to do.
As a matter of fact,
Right now,
As you guys are roasting denis
In the hammerstein ballroom,
My guess is
I'm sitting at home,
Alone,
Staring at my wall.
And you may say, "well,
Then why didn't you come over
And do it ?"
And i'll tell you why.
I've been hearing the things
You're saying about denis.
His lack of ability,
His difficulty in controlling
His more primal urges,
And i won't be
A part of it.
I will not kick this man
When he is so clearly
This far down.
Normally,
I would.
I've known denis
For a long time
And everything that you're
Saying, by god, it's true.
And if you only knew,
Much worse.
I'm not saying that
He has sex with animals.
What i'm saying is this:
I can't be with him
24 hours a day.
So maybe, maybe not.
It's really not something that
We should talk about.
But the important thing
Is this:
He needs this gig.
So if you can stretch it
To an hour and a half
And maybe throw him
A little after money,
I'd love to see the guy
Get some health insurance.
Well, listen, you guys
Have a great night.
And just know that even though
I can't be there, or can,
I'm still
Thinking about you
For however long
This videotape message lasts.
And then, of course,
Right after that--
Whoop-- gone !
Um, it's been great
To be here tonight
To host this for you.
And i enjoy
Being your friend.
You're a great guy to be
A friend with, you know ?
That's all.
Ladies and gentlemen,
Denis leary.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Thanks,
Thank you.
As my dad used to say,
Too little,
Too fuckin' late, folks.
( Woman )
Sorry.
Fuck you, you filthy whores.
Fuck you, fuck you, fuck you,
Double fuck you,
Fuck you, fuck you.
I wanna say a couple-- well,
I gotta say a lot of things.
So strap yourselves in.
Let's start off
By giving a round of applause
To rene russo for wearing
A giant rubber cock.
Come on !
Uh, i want to mention
A couple of guys
Who couldn't be here tonight.
Chris was supposed to be here
In person, chris walken,
But unfortunately,
The guest list was limited
To people
From the fucking
Planet earth.
So i don't know where he did
The remote fucking feed from
But yeah.
Can we throw that picture
Of peter gallagher up, please ?
Peter's got a lot of balls
Making fun of me.
You know, when i check into
A hotel and i want privacy,
I check in under the name
Peter gallagher, okay ?
Just so you fucking know.
By the way,
The auditions for the role
Of harvey weinstein
In the harvey weinstein story
Are officially fuckin' over.
And by the way,
While you're looking at jeff
And his picture,
Take a good look at his nose,
Before it goes right back
Up larry david's ass, okay ?
It'll be up there for about
Another five fuckin' years.
A waitress at "dangerfield's"
Once equated going down
On jeff garlin
With trying to find
The air nozzle on a life raft.
So that'll give you
Some idea.
Colin quinn.
( Cheering )
People know a lot of things
About colin,
But they don't know this:
Colin's
An inventor.
Colin invented
The "dick on" rule.
This was back in,
I think the mid '80s
And here was the idea.
Every time colin saw somebody
On t.V. Who he didn't like
Or he didn't
Think was funny,
He would pull his
Pants down.
Wherever you were,
A bar, his house,
Your house.
Pull his pants down,
And take his dick,
And he would put it in
The guy's face on the t.V.
We were so used to it,
Guys would just go,
"Hey, hey,
Move out of the way,
We can't see the
Fuckin' game."
I don't know if
You remember this.
We were watching-- the knicks
Were out of the playoffs,
So he's rooting
For the celtics,
In the heyday of
The byrd-mchale celtics,
And they're playing
The pistons,
And bill laimbeer from
The pistons got into a fight,
A little scuffle
With larry byrd.
He pulls his pants down,
Walks up to the t.V.,
And for literally, like
A good 30 or 40 seconds,
He's going, "go ahead, laimbeer,
Suck my dick !
"Suck my dick !
"Come on,
Yeah, yeah, yeah !
Come on !"
And then,
My wife came home.
Now, it's very difficult to
Explain to a woman,
Any woman,
Who has just seen
One of your best friends
Trying to shove his dick
Into a televised man's mouth
That it's just typical
Heterosexual behavior,
Even if he invented it.
You know.
But it's absolutely impossible
To explain that behavior
Once you've seen this:
And then, of course,
There's this:
What can i say
About mario cantone
That hasn't been said
In "little women" ?
You know, some kids are born
With speech impediments.
Some kids are born
With learning disabilities.
mario came out with a gucci
Purse and his nails done.
The only reason pete townshend
Got busted
Was because
He borrowed mario's laptop.
That's a good line, i like
That fuckin' line.
Fuck you,
That's a good line.
And i like pete townshend
And i still did
That fuckin' line !
Now, mario, we went
To college together.
And mario, it was a very
Difficult time for mario.
Mario was living in this gay
World, a fantasy world,
At emerson college
Where i think it was like,
Three out of every four guys
Were gay, right ?
60% gay,
I already said it.
I think it was more than that,
You're underestimating.
It was like 80%, it was great
For straight guys like me.
We got laid all the time.
But meanwhile,
His parents and his brothers
And his sisters
All worked at his dad's
Restaurant downtown,
called cantone's,
In the business district.
And they all thought
Mario was creative.
You know what i mean ?
And he was kinda like floating,
He was letting them pretend.
He was like,
Here's my girlfriend, gena--
You know what i mean, like
He's passing the girls off ?
And so all of his brothers,
You know,
And his family
Believed that he was straight.
But the truth was,
On any given night,
After like half a vodka tonic
And two bong hits,
This would happen:
Yeah.
So, later that year,
His mother finds it,
She frames it,
And she hangs it
Behind the bar
At the fucking restaurant,
Right ?
So i'm sitting there one night
With mario's brother, dominick,
Who's like one of these fuckin'
Guys, "eh-eh," you know ?
Like completely
Fuckin' clueless.
And he's looking
At the picture,
And he goes, "yeah,
That fucking mario, man.
He's so fucking
Creative, huh ?"
And i'm like,
"Yeah, dominick,
I'm creative, too, but
I don't have cum in my hair."
You know
What i mean ?
You know ?
I love kiefer, man,
He flew in tonight.
You should give him
A round of applause.
The fucking guy flew in.
Yeah.
Yeah.
I know jon stewart did
A roll-in tonight
Which was really
Nice of him.
And he was actually
Supposed to be here,
But someone put his car keys
On top of his t.V.
And he's still
Trying to reach them.
So he might make it
If somebody drops by his house.
Adam ferrara.
You filthy
Guinea motherfucker.
You lucky little whore,
That i fucking hired you and
Bought your fucking house.
And this photo confirms
What we've all been
Suspecting for years.
This is adam napping after
A post-goat barbecue
During
The annual splinter cell
And terrorist picnic
And hidden-explosives expo.
Last but not least,
Lenny clarke.
My old friend.
You know, we actually
Had a tough time
With this category,
Because there were
So many fucking stories.
And they're all true and
They're all hilarious.
But we had to wean
Them down for time.
I wanna tell you
This one story.
Back in the late '70s,
I think it was the '70s.
Was it the '70s when you
Ran for city council
Or was that '80s ?
'70s.
Late '70s,
In cambridge, massachusetts,
Where lenny was born
And brought up,
The rule about
Running for office is
If you declare that you're
Gonna run for office,
You, you, whoever,
You immediately get some money
To print up buttons
And bumper stickers.
Lenny is a janitor
At that point,
And he goes, "guys, i'm fucking
Running for mayor."
We were like,
"Mayor of what ?"
He was like, "cambridge !"
We were like,
"You can't run for mayor."
He was like,
"Anybody can run !
I'm fucking doing it !"
I said, "what's
Your platform ?"
"Fuck the kennedys !
That's my platform."
So he goes down, he fills out
All these things,
And he gets "fuck the kennedys"
Bumper stickers printed up.
"Fuck the kennedys,
Vote for lenny," right ?
So, about four weeks
Into the campaign,
Nobody fucking knows
What's going on.
There's crazy "fuck
The kennedys" bumper stickers everywhere.
Who's lenny ?
All this shit.
Lenny goes,
"I need something
"To fucking spark interest
In my campaign.
"I'm gonna steal a city bus
"And i'm gonna
Drive it around.
And then people will know
Who i am."
He was drunk.
We were like,
"Yeah, yeah, yeah."
The next day, he goes out
And he steals a fucking bus.
Drives it down mass ave,
Through boston,
Across the bridge
Into cambridge, right ?
And halfway through,
He's realizing,
"It's just me driving a bus.
This is no good."
So he starts
To pick people up.
He's fucking picking
People up.
People aren't even at bus stops,
He's going, "get in !"
And he tells them,
"I'm gonna drop you off,
"Right in front of
Your fucking house.
"And you tell the cops,
When they ask,
Lenny fucking clarke dropped
You off in front of your house."
I swear to god.
I swear to god.
You guys have been great.
I fucking love him,
I hate the rest of you.
Thank you very much.
( Man )
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa !
Whoa, whoa, whoa !
( "Asshole" music playing )
Denis !
You can't leave
Your own roast
Without doing
The song, bro !
It's gonna be
In our hearts forever !
I know in my heart, when you
Were gonna do that song,
Part of you was like,
"We're gonna fuckin'
Tear it up, okay ?
"We're gonna go out here,
And 'asshole',
And belt this shit out, okay ?"
I knew that
Was in you, bro.
I just-- i still love it.
And i'll love it
Forever.
I just would have liked
To see it a little different.
I'm just
A regular joe
With a regular...
Job !
( Heavy metal music )
Dude, i didn't
See any of that !
This shit, come on !
I'm your average white,
Fat, suburbanite slob !
( Heavy metal guitar )
I like football
Porno
Books
Books about war
You could have
Done sound effects, war.
( Explosion sounds )
Yeah.
How do you like me
Now, okay ?
This was the part,
He's got a voice,
Man, he's got a voice !
But this is where you should
Have tore it up !
I like
Taking my time
Driving really slow
( Screaming )
In the ultra-fast lane
Watching these little faggots
Behind me going insane
And i know, this man's
Great at the heart.
I didn't buy
You were an asshole
Until this part.
It's funny,
But bro, i know retards.
This part is where
I was a little hurt.
Sometimes i like
Parking in
The handicapped spaces
So i can look at
The handicapped people
Making handicapped faces
You're an asshole
You're an asshole
You're an asshole
Asshole !
( Chorus )
A-s-s-h-o-l-e !
( All )
A-s-s-h-o-l-e !
Asshole
You asshole
You asshole
You--
Asshole you asshole
You asshole you--
Asshole
No more
Yodeling.
Don't yodel.
Lenny, you should have
Been there for him
When
He was yodeling.
He can't yodel.
You rock, man.
And when you're finished,
Throw that fuck--
Good night !
Thank you !
Font color="#ffff00"comedy central
Captioned by
Font color="#00ffff"soundwriters
I'm just your average joe
With your average job
I'm your average
White suburbanite slob
I like football
And porno
And books about war
I've got
An average house
With a nice
Hardwood floor
But sometimes that just
Ain't enough
To keep a man
Like me interested
Oh no, no way, uh-uh
No, i've gotta go out
And have fun
At someone else's expense
Oh yeah
Yeah yeah
Yeah, yeah, yeah
I drive really slow
In the ultra-fast lane
And people behind me
Are going insane
I'm an asshole
He's an asshole
What an asshole
I'm an asshole
He's an asshole
Such an asshole
Sometimes i park
In handicapped spaces
While handicapped people
Make handicapped faces
I'm an asshole
He's an asshole
What an asshole
I'm an asshole
He's a real
Fucking asshole
A-s-s-h-o-l-e !
Everybody
A-s-s-h-o-l-e !
Come on
A-s-s-h-o-l-e !
One more
A-s-s-h-o-l-e !
I'm an asshole
And i'm fuckin' proud of it.
( Cheers )
It's the comedy central roast of denis leary
Hosted by jeff garlin.
With...
And music by...
Please welcome a man who spent
The last five hours
Getting into
A prosthetic fat suit.
Your host for this evening,
Jeff garlin.
( Cheers and applause )
Hello, and good evening,
Everybody.
welcome to the comedy central
Roast of denis leary.
( Applause )
Uh, a few announcements.
First off,
Nipsey russell has cancelled.
My apologies.
Unfortunately,
Colin quinn didn't.
You know what ?
With none of that in mind,
Please take a look at this.
( Announcer )
Please welcome denis leary.
I'm not happy,
I'm not happy.
Nobody's happy, okay ?
Happiness comes in
Small doses, folks.
It's a cigarette or
A chocolate chip cookie
Or a five-second orgasm.
That's it, okay ?
You come, you eat the cookie,
You smoke the butt,
You go to sleep,
You get up in the morning
And go to fucking work,
Okay ?
One word: drugs.
( Denis )
Cocaine, there's a good idea.
I wanna do a drug that
Makes my penis small,
Makes my heart explode,
Makes my nose bleed,
And sucks all my money
Out of the bank.
Can i do that ?
I wanna make
This face all night.
I don't do illegal drugs
Anymore.
Now, i just do
The legal drugs.
tonight, i'm on nyquil
And sudafed.
Forget about
Cocaine and heroin.
all you need is nyquil
And sudafed,
I'm telling you right now--
You must
Have some cold.
Uh, actually,
It's for my kids.
What kind of massage
Do you want today, dave ?
Uh, i was hoping for
Something special.
Upper body ?
Yeah, upper body.
And you know, if you feel like
Throwing in some lower body.
I love tits.
I'd like to be the mayor of
Tit town, if i could, okay ?
I'd like to drive
A big truck full of tits
Down the tit turnpike,
Right into the middle
Of tit town !
Oh, come on, i'm not
A bad-looking guy.
( Scoffs )
What, what ?
You wouldn't do me
If you were gay ?
Deep down inside...
Everybody's gay.
This is how it starts,
Probably.
It starts with us
Talking about your gigantic ass
Here in the car and then
In about a month
We're sitting
On a couch somewhere
Holding hands and watching
"The wizard of oz"
On d-v-d wide screen !
I represent angry, gun-toting
Meat-eating people, pal !
( Screaming )
I just beat up
Santa claus.
You blind ?
It's me.
Thank you !
thank you, thank you,
Thank you, and fuck you !
Life sucks.
Get a fuckin' helmet,
All right ?
( Cheers and applause )
Ladies and gentlemen, tonight,
We're not gonna be mean.
Mean is easy.
Mean is cheap.
Anybody can be mean.
You know
Who's mean ?
Denis leary is mean.
That's easy,
We're not going there.
Uh, we're going out to
Over 46 countries,
But oddly enough,
Not in america.
They don't get
Denis leary here.
But in sweden, for example,
See, i toured with him there.
He's huge !
He's the king of comedy.
You know what they call
Denis in sweden ?
( Scandinavian accent )
Denis leary.
Denis, you do it all.
Denis not only served
As the producer of "the job",
But he also produced
The movie "blow".
The job, blow.
All i can tell you
On basic cable
With kids watching
Is that denis loves
To get his cock sucked.
Ladies and gentlemen,
Nick dipaolo.
Why are we roasting you ?
You're irish.
Shouldn't we
Be boiling you ?
Put a couple of potatoes
And a carrot behind you.
I'm like, "what are
We supposed to wear ?"
They said, "think irish wake."
I'm like,
"Irish wake ?"
Well, that's right.
We're celebrating
Denis' career.
That's about right.
Colin quinn's here tonight.
Colin--
Yeah !
a few years ago,
People magazine
Listed the 50 most interesting
People in showbiz,
And they put colin in there.
He came right after
The hairdresser
For "earth, wind and fire"
And right before the guy
Who invented the lobster bib.
lenny clarke,
What, did the bowflex e
Get lost in the mail ?
Holy shit.
how can you have a coke problem
And a weight problem ?
This is unbelievable.
What are
You snorting ?
Confectionery sugar ?
Jesus christ.
How about a hand
For adam ferrara ?
Come on, folks.
He's like tony danza
Without the jokes.
We've got
Dr. Dre over there.
Yeah.
I'm just happy to meet
A black guy
Who's got the title
"Doctor" in his name,
Who's not wearing a grass skirt
And a bone through his nose.
Ed lover, i know
Nothing about you, man.
i put you in the fucking--
The yahoo search thing, and...
I did !
I put "ed lover"
In the search thing.
I ended up looking at j-pegs
Of teenage, you know,
Cheerleaders
Being pissed on
By a pit bull named
Chuckles.
Kiefer sutherland's here.
( Cheers )
i read an article in esquire
Kiefer sutherland did.
He said how he had to sleep
In a car for two years in l.A.
It must have been tough,
tossing and turning
In a mercedes 450 s-l...
When it's parked in front of
Your fucking father's mansion
In hollywood,
That must have been...
He said his dad didn't help him
With his career.
Yeah, and
Tori spelling's an orphan.
And the man of the hour,
Give it up for denis, please.
( Cheers and applause )
Let's focus
On denis' film career
Since his agent didn't.
People make fun of the one
You did with sandra bullock,
"Two if by sea",
But did anybody see
The other piece of shit
He made, "neon bible" ?
Yeah, exactly.
This made "two if by sea"
Look like "casablanca", okay ?
Me and my wife
Wanted to walk out
Halfway through the film,
We couldn't.
The lines were
Too long at the exit.
"Operation dumbo drop",
Let me ask you,
At what point when
You were reading the script
Did you say, "i have to do this
Fuckin' film ?"
Was it when you
Were fighting with ray liotta,
Or was it when you were
Strapping a parachute
To an elephant's
Asshole ?
Is that when it hit ?
I understand why
You did the movie.
I mean, it's not every day
You get to work
With the guy
Who wrote "police academy 4".
You've made more bombs in
The last five years than hamas !
Folks, i love denis leary,
He's done
A lot for my career.
Thank you very much, denis !
( Cheers and applause )
Hi, there.
I'm television's
Conan o'brien.
I know we're here to roast
Denis leary this evening,
But i'm not gonna do that.
I have too much respect
For denis.
You see, unlike most comedians,
Denis has convictions,
Integrity.
In a dishonorable
Business,
He's a man of honor
Who stands for something.
Now, i have more to say
About denis
After this quick message.
You want your car
To last forever, right ?
How do you feel about
Friction, tightwad ?
( denis )
This is quaker state higher mileage engine.
Proven to reduce friction,
And condition seals.
We're back.
Denis, of course,
Is famous for his anger.
A righteous anger
That he reserves for only
The most deserving of targets.
More on denis,
Right after this.
Over time, seals combust.
Hey, hey !
Rings can blow.
Don't forget
Metal-to-metal contact !
And we're back.
And denis isn't just a hero
Here in america,
His reach is global,
And his message is
One for all mankind.
( Speaking in spanish )
So denis,
Here's to you.
Thanks for keeping it real.
Right now, i want
To introduce a fellow
Who's playing roger healy
In the off-broadway production
Of "i dream of jeannie".
Please welcome adam ferrara !
( Cheers and applause )
Thank you, jeff.
Good to see you
Again.
And congratulations
On all your success.
hbo is doing a spin-off series
Starring jeff.
It's called
"Curb your appetite".
Hiya, pal !
Is this great ?
Look at this.
The red carpet,
This set,
A kick-ass band.
You are not only
A fine actor and a stand-up,
You're a magician.
Anybody who can get
This kind of money
out of
Fucking comedy central.
Vincent,
Good to see you.
All "the sopranos"
Boys are here.
"The sopranos" boys are here,
And if anybody asks,
They've been here since 4:30.
Robert deniro is not here
This evening
Because he's
Robert fuckin' deniro.
You went from being
In a movie with
Deniro and dustin hoffman,
To doing a t.V. Show
With lenny clarke and me.
next stop, quaker state.
It was
A great show.
I'm talking about, of course,
"The job"
And i gotta thank you
For that gig, chief.
I really do.
It was the best
Two weeks of my life.
Really,
Seriously.
Ladies and gentlemen,
I learned so much about my craft
By being on that show,
And watching one
Of the true masters.
I love you too, pal.
Lenny clarke.
How are you, musty ?
All right,
Sit down.
You're rocking the stage.
You were an altar boy,
Right ?
No wonder you're so angry.
Show me on kiefer sutherland
Where the priest touched you.
You know why i like
Working with this man ?
He's a true leader.
I admire
Your self-confidence.
Some perceive it
As severe narcissism,
But not me.
I'm sure a lot of guys jerk off
In front of a mirror...
Backlit...
While an orchestra plays
The "asshole" song.
I've been to denis' farm
Up in connecticut,
Or, as it's commonly known,
The never-glad ranch.
If you ever get a chance
To go to leary world,
Get the three-day pass.
It includes the whiskey
And water slide,
20,000 leagues
Under the influence,
Mr. Leary's angry ride,
And my personal favorite,
"It's a small penis after all."
You really are irish.
But the most impressive thing
About the place is,
he paid for it all
With marlboro miles.
While i was there,
I met his entire family
And there's thousands of them.
Packs of nieces
And nephews.
Seven-year-old learys, just
Looking up at you, smoking.
"You like
Spongebob squarepants ?
"Yeah ?
I think he's a pussy."
Well, chief, i want you
To know something.
the work you do with
The cam neely foundation.
every year,
The cam neely foundation,
"Comics come home".
And your tireless efforts with
The leary firefighters fund,
You, yes.
You're a noble,
Generous man of character...
to them.
To me,
You're a miserable prick.
I love you, now go
Fuck yourself.
Here's the thing.
I directed you in the film
"Lakeboat",
Let me tell you.
I've seen better acting
In a cambodian whorehouse.
Now, listen to what
I'm telling you,
You bloated, alcoholic
Leprechaun,
You get paid
To tell jokes onstage,
But you know what
The biggest joke is ?
Your career.
You go from starring
In features,
To starring in
Your own failed sit-com
To being roasted
On basic cable ?
That's hilarious.
no, it's fucking
Hilarious.
And you have the balls to call
Yourself a comedian ?
Your material's more dated
Than shannen doherty's twat
So why don't you go out
And make another movie
That nobody'll see,
And then down another
Bottle of cheap whiskey ?
That's what i'm saying !
( Upbeat music playing )
please welcome the star
Of comedy central's
"Tough crowd with colin quinn"
And let me just say,
He could be funny tonight.
Seriously.
No, no, no, really,
You never know.
i don't think he's funny,
But he might be tonight.
Who knows ?
There's only
One way to find out.
Ladies and gentlemen,
Colin quinn.
( Cheers and applause )
Thank you very much.
I'm the fourth-biggest
Star here.
Does that bother you ?
It should.
Now, look--
Oh, this is pathetic.
We got kiefer, liz hurley,
And who is that ?
Robert evans' kid ?
Throw him up
There, den.
Sit with them, denis,
That's a good idea.
Don't sit with
Your comedian friends.
Sit over here.
But i, um,
I know he's a good friend.
Denis is good friends with
A lot of stars,
Like he's good friends
With sean penn,
Which always bothered me.
I'm sure
It bothers everybody.
I'm sure it bothers nobody
More than it bothers sean penn,
Actually, but--
Now, kiefer sutherland
Is here.
I don't think they ever
Worked together, either.
It's like, i think
Denis called sean and said,
"Hey, man,
I got a roast."
And he said, "i'll get you
Kiefer, i'm not coming."
You're lucky kiefer
Said yes,
Or i'd be here
Making "mighty ducks" jokes
At emilio estevez.
All right.
See, that's what denis
Has to realize...
That he's a star
To us in comedy,
But to his star friends,
He's not a star.
I saw him
One afternoon coming back
From clint eastwood's house.
And who goes to lunch with a
Pair of pliers in their pocket ?
He was fixing stuff
For clint.
I saw him leave
Kevin spacey's house,
He had grease under his nails.
Now, that was
A social call, true--
Oh, boy.
Ooh, inside news.
Denis-- the smoking thing,
I think somebody
Was talking about.
And it is kind of
A serious thing.
We all want him
To quit smoking, obviously.
Right ?
But they actually took
A chest x-ray.
They took a chest x-ray
Of denis
And up on the chart,
It was a picture of god
Giving him the finger.
but let's talk about
The company, apostle.
he has a company meeting
At apostle.
Leary, serpico,
And siletti in a bar.
The meeting starts, siletti
Talks about the budget.
After 10 seconds,
Leary interrupts,
Says he wants a cigarette,
And he can't believe
He can't smoke in a bar.
Then they look at a script
That was written by leary,
Peter tolan,
Two firemen on bar napkins.
They get bored, so they drive
Over to the gym
Where lenny has
Just worn down the brakes
Off another elliptical machine.
When lenny presses
The heart rate monitor,
A picture of john candy waving
To him comes up.
No !
In 1987, this is true.
Lenny used to do a little,
Well, you know--
We don't say that--
But the drugs.
Lenny got a handwritten
Thank-you note
From pablo escobar, all right ?
Then, they pick up adam ferrara,
Who's in the steam room
Doing one of his bits for
A 70-year-old russian immigrant
That doesn't speak english.
Adam's one of those guys
That does his bits
While he talks to you.
It's like robin williams, only
You don't have to be polite,
Because he can't hurt you
In the business, you know ?
And you've got nick dipaolo.
He burns bridges
While he's crossing them.
He's the only comedian that
Heckles the crowd, you know ?
You've got ed, dr. Dre
And ed lover over there.
They were the original
"Yo ! M-t-v raps" guys,
You know ?
They brought black culture
Into white suburbs.
They're the guys to blame
When your daughter comes home,
And says, "daddy, this is
Antonio mcdyess."
Um, when you come
Home early from work,
And your daughter's
Standing there
In just a trailblazers jersey,
eating a bowl of fruity pebbles
With rasheed wallace,
These are
The son of a bitches you can blame.
Um, well, that's about it,
Denis.
I love you,
I've known you a long time.
You're a great guy,
And thank you.
That's it,
Thanks, folks.
Good evening.
I don't wish to add
To the verbal assaults
Already fired upon my friend,
Denis leary,
But i will give you
My take on denis.
See, most people
Are scared of denis.
They find him intimidating
And ill-tempered.
Not so.
The denis i know
Is a sweetie pie.
Look into his eyes
As i have,
And tell me you don't see
A tortured saint.
And that hair,
The color of ripening wheat.
Have you ever looked at denis'
Hands ?
How can a man's hands
Be so lovely ?
I'll tell you how.
He puts makeup on them.
They don't need makeup,
But that's denis.
So if you think denis is mean,
Ask yourself...
Would a mean man
Use hand makeup ?
And so, denis, i am honored
To be here to honor you.
Don't let them be too mean,
You delicious mush puff.
I'll give you a big hug.
You know, the building,
This building is, of course,
Named after
Oscar hammerstein,
Who wrote
"The sound of music",
"Carousel", and
"The king and i".
Wait, i'd better stop with
The broadway musicals
Before mario cantone
Completely lets loose
With the jizz.
You know who's really been
A great sport tonight,
Do you have any idea ?
He's been so wonderful,
So forgiving.
The language has been,
You know, uproarious,
If you can describe
Language that way.
But you have been wonderful.
Please welcome denis' priest,
Father don gavin.
Well,
Thank you, thank you.
This is tough company,
Watching all
These professional comedians
Attempting to be funny.
And uh,
God does forgive.
He doesn't forget,
But he does forgive.
He's all seeing,
All knowing.
He knows when you're sleeping,
And he knows when you're awake.
He knows when
You've been bad or good.
I could quote the scriptures
Forever.
But i have been
A priest for 30 years.
I'm not a particularly
Religious man, but--
No, i'm serious.
I became a priest 'cause
I'm lazy is what it is.
I got tired
Of chasing the chicks,
And not getting them.
So that's why
I'm doing what i do now
And i have my problems,
I drink.
I drink when the--
When i'm awake.
And i'm gambling
Because of this man.
I went to see him at foxwoods,
The indian resort.
I went down there.
It was the first time
I ever gambled.
I've been
Back quite a bit.
I have my own teepee.
And i have
Money problems.
Boys and girls out there,
Don't get into priesthood
For the money.
It's just not worth it.
I got a loan
From my bank.
They sent me
This threatening letter.
"We have not received
Your final payment."
I wrote them back and said,
"Yes, you have."
And, uh...
Yeah.
They were not aware of it.
But i have had
Some money problems.
I mention that, because, well,
The collection plate,
Not as much money
In there as there used to be,
I can assure you.
Because of some of my--
Some of my colleagues',
Can i say, shenanigans
Would be a good word.
Which actually reminds me
Of a joke.
A priest, a rapist and
A pedophile walked into a bar,
And that's just
The first guy.
All right, good, now...
( Cheers and applause )
But i do thank you.
Denis and i, we do
Go back a long time
And i tell you what,
It's great to be around
A guy that does not
Forget his friends,
And i mean that sincerely.
Thank you.
Thank you.
Last time
I hug a priest.
Denis leary
Loves animals.
He absolutely adores
His irish wolfhound
Who wanted to be here tonight,
But he double booked.
And when, you know,
A dog double books,
That's like 14 human
Double bookings.
Please welcome denis'
Irish wolfhound, clancy !
( Gilbert gottfried )
Hi, i'm one of denis' wolfhounds.
I'm on my way to
The veterinarian's office.
You see, i had a chance to watch
Denis perform,
But i thought
I'd have a lot more fun
Having my balls cut off.
( Rim shot )
You know, i've been denis' dog
For 12 years.
He loves me
'Cause i'm irish.
And i love denis 'cause
He smells like dog ass !
( Rim shot )
You know, denis used to
Paper train me
By using his movie scripts.
That way,
I had a chance to shit on them
Before the critics did.
You know,
When i look up at denis,
I see willem dafoe
Without the talent.
I see an ugly bryan adams.
I see sting
With a.I.D.S.
You know, if you want to enjoy
A denis leary comedy album,
Do what i do
Every morning.
Get out your copy
And take a gigantic dump on it.
As denis' pet,
I get to see a side of him
That most of you never do.
Denis,
The devoted father.
Denis, the family man.
And of course,
Denis, the jew hater.
Well, denis, i'm going off
To have my balls cut off.
But don't worry about it,
You can still lick my asshole.
Please welcome
Gena gershon !
Denis.
Denis,
This is my song to you.
How i feel...
And it's straight
From my heart.
This is for you, pal.
He's a charming
And talented man, yeah
Always giving
All that he can
He's a friend like
No one i know of
So let's give him a tribute
Of love
Ah, fuck that.
Lighten up
It's a roast
Tonight leary's
Balls are toast
Yeah, we'll all get
A kick
Out of
Busting that prick
Lighten up everyone
It's a roast
Oh, yeah !
Look, denis,
Your ultimate fantasy !
Fuckable cigarettes !
Nice butts, girls !
Beat it,
Move over to the side.
Let me help you out
Over here.
Oh, yeah.
They sent you all two from
The radio city rockettes.
I'd better
Help them out here.
Yeah.
Get the fuck outta here,
You're bugging me.
Better watch it
Before denis shoves you
Up bloomberg's ass.
He was in
"Thomas crown affair"
With rene russo
And it was schlock
But as
An interesting fact
She's got a much
Bigger cock
He's got style
He's got class
We're gonna kick him in his
White irish ass
Yes he's funny
And quick
But he's still a big dick
And he keeps hanging on
To that smoking-guy shtick
As celebrities go
Mr. Leary's our pick
Lighten up everyone
It's a roast
Yeah.
All right.
Now, via fake satellite,
Miss rene russo.
When i was asked
To participate in this event,
I was not told
That i was gonna have to be
Subjected to this crap.
I don't even know
Nina gershon.
What the hell
Was she singing ?
You know, that's exactly
How rumors get started.
That's all i need,
Are paparazzis camped outside
My fucking house
Trying to get a crotch shot.
Or moms in the carpool lane
Staring at me.
Anyway...
You know
The truth, denis.
You were in my trailer.
Uh, our next performer,
There are two words to describe
Our next performer.
Really,
Really funny.
Mario cantone.
Okay, gena gershon
Coming out.
You know, i went to college
With gena and denis.
I went to college.
I went to emerson college
With denis and gena.
No applause.
At the time, the school was
A 60% gay school.
Denis ended up staying there
For two years and teaching.
You're so gay.
I can't even,
I can't even look at you.
We were lovers, we were
Fucking completely.
He won't even--
Kiss-- i want you to--
I want you to kiss me
On the mouth right here,
And show everybody in this
World what we were.
I feel like
Barbara stanwyck.
Kiss me on the mouth,
Like a lover !
No, it's all right.
You couldn't
Anyways,
'Cause you don't have that kind
Of a range as an actress.
I've seen him naked,
I have seen him naked
And it hooks to the left.
And it's not, for an irish guy,
It's not that small.
It's really not--
It's all right.
It's not bad,
But it hooks !
He's got a pirate dick !
He wears
A patch over one ball.
Elizabeth hurley.
She is so gorgeous,
I would fuck her.
I have never seen anybody more
Beautiful in my life.
Except i'd have
To use nick's dick
But i could do it.
All right.
Thanks for
The gift bag, too.
They gave us this lovely
Gift bag, you know,
For doing this.
Which i thought was really,
Really nice.
Thank you
For your c-ds.
Your "no cure for cancer" c-ds.
And "the job" d-v-d,
"The job" d-v-d.
The complete first
And second season.
Let me put a little reality
On the plate here.
There was no
Fucking second season !
Where was
The second season ?
There was no-- oh, the lost
Episodes of "the job".
For special features,
Click down !
Click, click, click, click !
that show's so bad, tivo
Would reject the repeats !
You're a little weathered.
You're a little
Weathered lately.
Bronzer ?
Tan--
No, it's fucking makeup.
His shit is so thick
You can't even--
And then he
Made fun of me !
We were at this thing, we were
At the tribeca film festival
And they were like, "would you
Like a little powder ?"
I was like, "yeah."
He was like, "you're gonna--
You're gonna put makeup on ?
You're gonna put makeup on ?"
I was like, "yeah."
you-- you came to carnegie hall
In makeup for rehearsal !
you go to non-television
Events in mac makeup.
It looks like you
Just fucked rupaul !
Ugh !
He is in "full beat" !
it looks like mary kay's
Pink cadillac
Ran you the fuck over !
And i love you,
Denis.
Thank you very much.
Hi, i'm michael j fox.
And this is eunice.
Eunice is 85 years old
And a parkinson's patient.
Eunice has but one wish.
That denis leary stop
Volunteering his time
For parkinson's research.
You see, denis, showing up
Late and drunk
To fundraising events,
Mouthing off to doctors
And potential donors,
It's just not helping.
So please,
Denis.
Think of eunice,
And the thousands of
Other parkinson's sufferers.
Do something else with your
Ample frickin' time.
Thank you,
I'm michael j fox.
Some of you might recognize
These guys
As the hosts of
"Yo ! M-t-v raps"
But most of you will have
No idea who they are.
Put on your thinking caps.
Please welcome dr. Dre
And ed lover.
Denis has had a very
Impressive film career,
And we thought we'd give
You guys a quick overview,
To refresh your memory.
But because
There are so many,
We kept all the reviews
Down to two words.
So let's begin.
"Professor" ?
Yes, sir.
"Ice age" ?
Not "shrek".
"Double whammy" ?
Triple crappy.
"Company man".
You're fired.
"Jesus' son".
Holy shit.
"The thomas crown affair".
Watch original.
"True crime".
Against cinema.
"A bug's life".
Call exterminator.
"Wide awake".
Not us.
"Monument avenue".
Bad title, brother,
Bad title.
"Wag the dog".
Dog crap.
"The matchmaker".
The crap taker.
"Operation dumbo drop".
Operation fucking
Boredom over here.
A classic,
"The ref".
Personal foul.
"Judgment night".
It sucked.
"Demolition man".
Why, denis ?
"Who's the man" ?
Now, that's
Classic material.
That was a great film.
Beautiful film.
( Cheers and applause )
There you go.
That's a nice
Piece of work.
"The sandlot".
The litter box.
"The loaded weapon".
Loaded diaper.
And ladies and gentlemen,
That oscar-winning performance,
"Two if by sea".
Fuck you.
Thank you.
Thank you, folks.
It's been
Our distinct pleasure
Reviewing these movies.
Good luck
Tonight, denis.
Mr. Sutherland,
It's a pleasure.
Miss hurley, and your
Ambiguously gay fellow friend,
Wonderful to see you both.
Now we know
Who's fucking mario cantone
Later on tonight.
We love you, buddy !
God bless.
So, tonight,
Everybody's been slammed
To one degree or another.
But this next performer is
So gifted and so talented.
He's a vivacious talent,
Who really-- i'm moved
To tears when i see him perform.
I laugh,
I'm overwhelmed.
I'm talking, of course,
About dane cook.
Dane cook is-- dane,
You're too talented
To fuck with.
Really,
You're that talented.
You are so talented, my balls
Right now are clapping.
My balls are clapping at how
Talented you are, dane cook.
Please come out here
And show the young people.
Dane cook, everybody.
( Cheers and applause )
Wow, jeff,
Jeff garlin.
What about jeff all night,
Jeff, right ?
Kiefer sutherland,
How you doing ?
How you doing,
Good to see you.
I've got a great plot idea for
Your show this coming season.
You've got 24 hours
To resurrect your film career
Or you're gonna start
Hocking motor oil,
Like johnny handsome
Over here.
Good to see you,
Loved you in "lost boys".
It's a great movie !
It's a classic !
Colin quinn, ladies and
Gentlemen, colin quinn.
Colin, you started off
Your career on the game show,
"Remote control".
And isn't it--
Yeah, yeah !
Isn't it ironic that
That's what most of america
Reaches for now when
Your new show comes on ?
Nick dipaolo.
Nick, right ?
Nick right over here.
Nick, anti-semitic ?
Yes.
Homophobic ?
Of course.
Racist ?
Totally.
Misogynistic ?
Without a doubt.
But what you guys
Don't know about nick,
Is he still sleeps in
A racecar bed.
And say what you want
About this other shit,
That's just adorable.
Mario,
Mario cantone.
Mario, some people say
You're not very friendly.
Some people say
You're unapproachable.
But i'll tell you something
About this guy,
He's got a real soft spot
For young comedians.
It's called his asshole.
See how i wrinkled
That a little ?
All right.
Let me tell you
How gay mario is.
Truly,
Seriously.
Because i know you've heard it
All night.
Let me just,
You know, close it up for you.
He is so gay
That when gay people
See him on the street,
They're like, "fag !"
I'm still waiting for you
To come out, bitch.
All right.
All right, i'll be there
In 10 minutes, honey.
Dr. Dre and ed lover,
They're here tonight.
And be sure to tip them
When they bring your car around
After the show.
Denis, denis.
A lot of boston guys here
Tonight.
Denis, we've got lenny clarke,
We've got nick, mario.
Who knew the red sox curse
Affected comedians' careers ?
During the '80s, denis,
Few comedians
Took a stand.
And had the courage
To speak out
And support their beliefs
And that all changed when
Denis did "no cure for cancer".
You came out, denis,
Yeah.
You came out
Against vegetarians.
And you stood up against
Non-smokers.
And because
Of your valiant efforts,
Today, meat--
Still available.
Tobacco-- still going strong.
Cancer--
Winning.
Woo !
In closing, denis,
You know i'm kidding,
And you know
You're a great guy.
And it makes me feel
So special
To know that if i ever need
Anything at all from you,
Jim serpico
Is just a phone call away.
I love you, buddy,
Thank you.
If you want to toast denis,
I'm your man.
If you wanna roast him,
I'm sorry, i love the guy.
You know, i think he just
Gets a bad rap
Because of
The whole gruff thing.
( Deep, gruff voice )
Hey, this is denis, what do you want ?
He used to scare
The heart out of my wife.
You know, but not anymore.
Because when
I'm on the road,
When i'm away from home,
He's the first one to call.
He says, "can i help you
With the yard work ?"
Which is funny because
I think the only things
I've ever seen in his hands
Is a cigarette
Or a hockey stick.
But he keeps
An eye on the kids,
He keeps an eye on my wife.
And he's looking
Out for me.
And i don't forget that.
The thing is,
I hope he gets a job soon,
Because my kids are calling
Him "dad".
I mean, right now
They're all together.
My wife, denis, the kids.
They're back at my house,
Back east,
And they're having
A great time.
I just got off the phone
With my little girl
And i said, "where's mommy ?"
She said, "oh, mommy's
Down with denis
Playing hockey in the pond."
you know, which is funny,
Because my wife hates hockey.
And, uh...
And it's 80 fuckin' degrees
Back there.
There is no fuckin' ice.
Ladies and gentlemen,
Mr. Lenny clarke.
( Cheers and applause )
Denis and i have
A lot in common.
We both smoke and hang out
With supermodels.
Some of them are
Chubby chasers.
They are.
But i gotta tell you,
People ask me, "well,
How do you know denis ?"
I say, "well, i've known
Denis for about 25 years now."
I remember when
We were doing lines
And now we're reading lines.
People say, "did he do
A lot of drugs ?"
I say, "no."
Denis didn't,
Look at him.
What's he, 6'3, 6'4,
110 pounds ?
Nah.
Make a lot of jokes
About me being fat
But how about him
Being skinny ?
this guy could use a kotex tube
For a sleeping bag.
You know,
Denis leary's been my friend
For a lot of years.
He's given me
A lot of work,
Helped jumpstart my career.
I didn't do any
Of his big hits,
But you know,
There was "the job".
And i was out of work
And divorced
And drinking and drugging
And collecting money
From people.
You guys know
What i'm talking about.
He said to me, "you know,
I wrote this part for you
In 'the job'."
I said, "really ?"
he says, "yeah, but a-b-c wants
To go with another guy."
I go, "what ?
You go in there, and you tell
Them that that's my part !"
He says, "you want me
To go in and tell them
To give you the part just
Because you're my friend ?"
I went, "yeah !"
He goes,
"I can't do that."
I said "well, maybe you're not
My friend."
And he made me dance
Like a monkey on a hot plate
To get that part
And i got that part.
And he said, "aren't you happy
That you got it on your own ?"
I said,
"Not one fucking bit."
Mario, i didn't even know
You were gay.
I didn't,
I didn't !
I like you.
Some men like men,
And well,
Women are probably
The number one reason
Why i'm not
A homosexual today.
All right, i blew one guy,
But i needed a ride real bad.
I'm teasing,
I'm kidding.
I didn't need the ride.
But,
I gotta tell you,
This guy does a lot of things
For people
That he doesn't want
Anyone to even know about.
But you are one of
My dearest friends.
I love you like a brother.
And i'd take
A bullet for you.
I just hope it's not tonight.
And i just want
To thank you, man.
I love you.
All right.
Hey, everybody.
I'm so sorry that
I couldn't be there tonight,
But i had this really--
Ah, i can't fool
You guys.
I could have
Been there tonight.
Actually, i've got
Nothing to do.
As a matter of fact,
Right now,
As you guys are roasting denis
In the hammerstein ballroom,
My guess is
I'm sitting at home,
Alone,
Staring at my wall.
And you may say, "well,
Then why didn't you come over
And do it ?"
And i'll tell you why.
I've been hearing the things
You're saying about denis.
His lack of ability,
His difficulty in controlling
His more primal urges,
And i won't be
A part of it.
I will not kick this man
When he is so clearly
This far down.
Normally,
I would.
I've known denis
For a long time
And everything that you're
Saying, by god, it's true.
And if you only knew,
Much worse.
I'm not saying that
He has sex with animals.
What i'm saying is this:
I can't be with him
24 hours a day.
So maybe, maybe not.
It's really not something that
We should talk about.
But the important thing
Is this:
He needs this gig.
So if you can stretch it
To an hour and a half
And maybe throw him
A little after money,
I'd love to see the guy
Get some health insurance.
Well, listen, you guys
Have a great night.
And just know that even though
I can't be there, or can,
I'm still
Thinking about you
For however long
This videotape message lasts.
And then, of course,
Right after that--
Whoop-- gone !
Um, it's been great
To be here tonight
To host this for you.
And i enjoy
Being your friend.
You're a great guy to be
A friend with, you know ?
That's all.
Ladies and gentlemen,
Denis leary.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Thanks,
Thank you.
As my dad used to say,
Too little,
Too fuckin' late, folks.
( Woman )
Sorry.
Fuck you, you filthy whores.
Fuck you, fuck you, fuck you,
Double fuck you,
Fuck you, fuck you.
I wanna say a couple-- well,
I gotta say a lot of things.
So strap yourselves in.
Let's start off
By giving a round of applause
To rene russo for wearing
A giant rubber cock.
Come on !
Uh, i want to mention
A couple of guys
Who couldn't be here tonight.
Chris was supposed to be here
In person, chris walken,
But unfortunately,
The guest list was limited
To people
From the fucking
Planet earth.
So i don't know where he did
The remote fucking feed from
But yeah.
Can we throw that picture
Of peter gallagher up, please ?
Peter's got a lot of balls
Making fun of me.
You know, when i check into
A hotel and i want privacy,
I check in under the name
Peter gallagher, okay ?
Just so you fucking know.
By the way,
The auditions for the role
Of harvey weinstein
In the harvey weinstein story
Are officially fuckin' over.
And by the way,
While you're looking at jeff
And his picture,
Take a good look at his nose,
Before it goes right back
Up larry david's ass, okay ?
It'll be up there for about
Another five fuckin' years.
A waitress at "dangerfield's"
Once equated going down
On jeff garlin
With trying to find
The air nozzle on a life raft.
So that'll give you
Some idea.
Colin quinn.
( Cheering )
People know a lot of things
About colin,
But they don't know this:
Colin's
An inventor.
Colin invented
The "dick on" rule.
This was back in,
I think the mid '80s
And here was the idea.
Every time colin saw somebody
On t.V. Who he didn't like
Or he didn't
Think was funny,
He would pull his
Pants down.
Wherever you were,
A bar, his house,
Your house.
Pull his pants down,
And take his dick,
And he would put it in
The guy's face on the t.V.
We were so used to it,
Guys would just go,
"Hey, hey,
Move out of the way,
We can't see the
Fuckin' game."
I don't know if
You remember this.
We were watching-- the knicks
Were out of the playoffs,
So he's rooting
For the celtics,
In the heyday of
The byrd-mchale celtics,
And they're playing
The pistons,
And bill laimbeer from
The pistons got into a fight,
A little scuffle
With larry byrd.
He pulls his pants down,
Walks up to the t.V.,
And for literally, like
A good 30 or 40 seconds,
He's going, "go ahead, laimbeer,
Suck my dick !
"Suck my dick !
"Come on,
Yeah, yeah, yeah !
Come on !"
And then,
My wife came home.
Now, it's very difficult to
Explain to a woman,
Any woman,
Who has just seen
One of your best friends
Trying to shove his dick
Into a televised man's mouth
That it's just typical
Heterosexual behavior,
Even if he invented it.
You know.
But it's absolutely impossible
To explain that behavior
Once you've seen this:
And then, of course,
There's this:
What can i say
About mario cantone
That hasn't been said
In "little women" ?
You know, some kids are born
With speech impediments.
Some kids are born
With learning disabilities.
mario came out with a gucci
Purse and his nails done.
The only reason pete townshend
Got busted
Was because
He borrowed mario's laptop.
That's a good line, i like
That fuckin' line.
Fuck you,
That's a good line.
And i like pete townshend
And i still did
That fuckin' line !
Now, mario, we went
To college together.
And mario, it was a very
Difficult time for mario.
Mario was living in this gay
World, a fantasy world,
At emerson college
Where i think it was like,
Three out of every four guys
Were gay, right ?
60% gay,
I already said it.
I think it was more than that,
You're underestimating.
It was like 80%, it was great
For straight guys like me.
We got laid all the time.
But meanwhile,
His parents and his brothers
And his sisters
All worked at his dad's
Restaurant downtown,
called cantone's,
In the business district.
And they all thought
Mario was creative.
You know what i mean ?
And he was kinda like floating,
He was letting them pretend.
He was like,
Here's my girlfriend, gena--
You know what i mean, like
He's passing the girls off ?
And so all of his brothers,
You know,
And his family
Believed that he was straight.
But the truth was,
On any given night,
After like half a vodka tonic
And two bong hits,
This would happen:
Yeah.
So, later that year,
His mother finds it,
She frames it,
And she hangs it
Behind the bar
At the fucking restaurant,
Right ?
So i'm sitting there one night
With mario's brother, dominick,
Who's like one of these fuckin'
Guys, "eh-eh," you know ?
Like completely
Fuckin' clueless.
And he's looking
At the picture,
And he goes, "yeah,
That fucking mario, man.
He's so fucking
Creative, huh ?"
And i'm like,
"Yeah, dominick,
I'm creative, too, but
I don't have cum in my hair."
You know
What i mean ?
You know ?
I love kiefer, man,
He flew in tonight.
You should give him
A round of applause.
The fucking guy flew in.
Yeah.
Yeah.
I know jon stewart did
A roll-in tonight
Which was really
Nice of him.
And he was actually
Supposed to be here,
But someone put his car keys
On top of his t.V.
And he's still
Trying to reach them.
So he might make it
If somebody drops by his house.
Adam ferrara.
You filthy
Guinea motherfucker.
You lucky little whore,
That i fucking hired you and
Bought your fucking house.
And this photo confirms
What we've all been
Suspecting for years.
This is adam napping after
A post-goat barbecue
During
The annual splinter cell
And terrorist picnic
And hidden-explosives expo.
Last but not least,
Lenny clarke.
My old friend.
You know, we actually
Had a tough time
With this category,
Because there were
So many fucking stories.
And they're all true and
They're all hilarious.
But we had to wean
Them down for time.
I wanna tell you
This one story.
Back in the late '70s,
I think it was the '70s.
Was it the '70s when you
Ran for city council
Or was that '80s ?
'70s.
Late '70s,
In cambridge, massachusetts,
Where lenny was born
And brought up,
The rule about
Running for office is
If you declare that you're
Gonna run for office,
You, you, whoever,
You immediately get some money
To print up buttons
And bumper stickers.
Lenny is a janitor
At that point,
And he goes, "guys, i'm fucking
Running for mayor."
We were like,
"Mayor of what ?"
He was like, "cambridge !"
We were like,
"You can't run for mayor."
He was like,
"Anybody can run !
I'm fucking doing it !"
I said, "what's
Your platform ?"
"Fuck the kennedys !
That's my platform."
So he goes down, he fills out
All these things,
And he gets "fuck the kennedys"
Bumper stickers printed up.
"Fuck the kennedys,
Vote for lenny," right ?
So, about four weeks
Into the campaign,
Nobody fucking knows
What's going on.
There's crazy "fuck
The kennedys" bumper stickers everywhere.
Who's lenny ?
All this shit.
Lenny goes,
"I need something
"To fucking spark interest
In my campaign.
"I'm gonna steal a city bus
"And i'm gonna
Drive it around.
And then people will know
Who i am."
He was drunk.
We were like,
"Yeah, yeah, yeah."
The next day, he goes out
And he steals a fucking bus.
Drives it down mass ave,
Through boston,
Across the bridge
Into cambridge, right ?
And halfway through,
He's realizing,
"It's just me driving a bus.
This is no good."
So he starts
To pick people up.
He's fucking picking
People up.
People aren't even at bus stops,
He's going, "get in !"
And he tells them,
"I'm gonna drop you off,
"Right in front of
Your fucking house.
"And you tell the cops,
When they ask,
Lenny fucking clarke dropped
You off in front of your house."
I swear to god.
I swear to god.
You guys have been great.
I fucking love him,
I hate the rest of you.
Thank you very much.
( Man )
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa !
Whoa, whoa, whoa !
( "Asshole" music playing )
Denis !
You can't leave
Your own roast
Without doing
The song, bro !
It's gonna be
In our hearts forever !
I know in my heart, when you
Were gonna do that song,
Part of you was like,
"We're gonna fuckin'
Tear it up, okay ?
"We're gonna go out here,
And 'asshole',
And belt this shit out, okay ?"
I knew that
Was in you, bro.
I just-- i still love it.
And i'll love it
Forever.
I just would have liked
To see it a little different.
I'm just
A regular joe
With a regular...
Job !
( Heavy metal music )
Dude, i didn't
See any of that !
This shit, come on !
I'm your average white,
Fat, suburbanite slob !
( Heavy metal guitar )
I like football
Porno
Books
Books about war
You could have
Done sound effects, war.
( Explosion sounds )
Yeah.
How do you like me
Now, okay ?
This was the part,
He's got a voice,
Man, he's got a voice !
But this is where you should
Have tore it up !
I like
Taking my time
Driving really slow
( Screaming )
In the ultra-fast lane
Watching these little faggots
Behind me going insane
And i know, this man's
Great at the heart.
I didn't buy
You were an asshole
Until this part.
It's funny,
But bro, i know retards.
This part is where
I was a little hurt.
Sometimes i like
Parking in
The handicapped spaces
So i can look at
The handicapped people
Making handicapped faces
You're an asshole
You're an asshole
You're an asshole
Asshole !
( Chorus )
A-s-s-h-o-l-e !
( All )
A-s-s-h-o-l-e !
Asshole
You asshole
You asshole
You--
Asshole you asshole
You asshole you--
Asshole
No more
Yodeling.
Don't yodel.
Lenny, you should have
Been there for him
When
He was yodeling.
He can't yodel.
You rock, man.
And when you're finished,
Throw that fuck--
Good night !
Thank you !
Font color="#ffff00"comedy central
Captioned by
Font color="#00ffff"soundwriters
I'm just your average joe
With your average job
I'm your average
White suburbanite slob
I like football
And porno
And books about war
I've got
An average house
With a nice
Hardwood floor
But sometimes that just
Ain't enough
To keep a man
Like me interested
Oh no, no way, uh-uh
No, i've gotta go out
And have fun
At someone else's expense
Oh yeah
Yeah yeah
Yeah, yeah, yeah
I drive really slow
In the ultra-fast lane
And people behind me
Are going insane
I'm an asshole
He's an asshole
What an asshole
I'm an asshole
He's an asshole
Such an asshole
Sometimes i park
In handicapped spaces
While handicapped people
Make handicapped faces
I'm an asshole
He's an asshole
What an asshole
I'm an asshole
He's a real
Fucking asshole
A-s-s-h-o-l-e !
Everybody
A-s-s-h-o-l-e !
Come on
A-s-s-h-o-l-e !
One more
A-s-s-h-o-l-e !
I'm an asshole
And i'm fuckin' proud of it.
( Cheers )