Comedy Central Roast of Pamela Anderson (2005) Movie Script

It's the "Comedy Central Roast
of Pamela Anderson"
with your roastmaster
Jimmy Kimmel,
and your roasters...
...with special appearances
by David Spade and Hugh Hefner,
and a live performance
by Tommy Lee.
And now please welcome the host
of "Jimmy Kimmel live,"
Jimmy Kimmel.
Kimmel: Thank you very much.
You're very kind.
Welcome to
"the Pamela Anderson Roast,"
an evening
with Courtney love, Tommy Lee,
Andy dick, Dennis rodman,
otherwise known as "live aids."
That's right.
Right now,
simultaneous roasts
are being held
on comedy central networks
in seven different countries
around the world.
All proceeds from this event
will go directly
to Dave chappelle in Africa.
We send him our best.
We are here tonight, of course,
to honor Pamela Anderson
who showed us just how far
a woman can go
when she believes in herself
and gets a pair
of volleyball-sized
breast implants.
That's right.
Ms. Anderson is an actress,
a model, a writer, a producer.
I think, for a while,
she was a hooker.
14 years ago,
Pamela Anderson joined the cast
of "Home Improvement"
and before that, we were still
beating off to the Cosbys.
So she's ushered in
a new and exciting era.
She changed everything.
Let's take a look back now
at what makes Pamela Anderson
so very special.
What did you call me?
I'm the fantasy
of every man in America.
Ready for some fun?
Tool time!
Don't give up
your day job.
What you gonna do
with all that junk
All that junk
inside your trunk?
Are you imagining me naked?
Get you love drunk
off my hump
my hump, my hump,
my lovely lady lumps
Check it out
ooh, you're kid rock
and Pam Anderson!
Man: Bad boy Tommy Lee received
a show of support
from wife Pamela.
She's got great taste in men.
You were a groupie.
Excuse me?
I was not a groupie. I
was a girlfriend. Right.
Have you heard
about this videotape?
A tape was stolen
from Tommy Lee and myself.
Yes. I love you.
Not that tape.
I'm crazy
for this little lady
David Hasselhoff
is doing a free concert
and people are trying
to drown themselves!
'Cause she makes me
feel good
you're Pamela Anderson! Remember
me from "Baywatch: The Movie"?
I know she's a super lady
I don't know anybody
who wants to wear
an animal skin on their back.
Pamela Anderson Lee.
Come on, Pamela.
I am not
some ditzy blonde.
She's so fine
Yeah, you're so damn hot
I can do it.
Yeah, you're so damn hot
Yeah, you're so damn hot
Yeah, you're so damn hot
please welcome
our guest of honor this evening,
the one and only
Pamela Anderson.
Pam, you look beautiful,
as always.
We are here
to roast you tonight.
We selected you
over 1,000 other famous women
because you've accomplished
so much
in your short time
on this planet.
Pam has been on the cover
of "Playboy" magazine
an unprecedented 11 times.
She was the first woman
to appear spread eagle
in "Reader's Digest,"
and she graduated
from high school.
That's right.
All this,
and she just turned 38.
So at long last,
your age is finally catching up
to your tits.
Pamela Anderson
is a trend-setter, a pioneer.
Before Pam,
the only celebrity sex tape
was a roll of duct tape
Rick James used
to restrain his dates.
When Paris Hilton
was still in diapers,
Pamela Anderson was already
getting gang-banged on Betamax.
She loves rock stars.
The woman has screwed
more musicians than Napster.
Pam, you do know
that "blow me" is just
an expression, right?
Pam loves animals.
Her love of horses is
what attracted her to Tommy Lee.
She has devoted
so much of her time
to her work with P.E.T.A.,
the people for the ethical
treatment of animals.
P.E.T.A. Is a fantastic
From their tireless crusade
to ban cruel and unnecessary
testing from medical experiments
to their work at Disneyland,
throwing blood on children
who wear mouse ears,
they do so many great things.
But when all is said and done,
enormous genitals conquer all.
There was a rumor
going around last week
that Pam and Tommy
were back together.
It started when she showed up
someplace with two black eyes.
It is not true.
It was a hockey accident.
She's Canadian.
Pam and Tommy
are not planning to remarry,
but they continue to raise
their children together.
Pam has two boys,
beautiful boys,
Brandon and Dylan.
Children that
when they were born,
actually walked
out of her vagina.
It is that big.
Thanks to him.
It played the cave
in "Batman Begins."
Pamela Anderson
embodies the American dream.
She came here from a small town
in another country
to achieve and accomplish
everything she imagined
she ever could.
And don't be fooled by
the dumb-blonde routine.
This woman is as smart
as a rock.
We love her.
We love you, Pam.
Thank you for inviting me
to do this.
Thank you for agreeing to get
fucked on camera one last time.
And now, let the roasting begin.
Our first roaster tonight
is part of our very successful
"Invite a random person
to the roast" program.
Here's a fun game to play.
While he talks,
see if you can count
how many times Pam says,
"Who the fuck is that?"
You know him from
"Tough Crowd with Colin Quinn,"
and that's it.
Please welcome the virtually
anonymous Greg Giraldo.
Thank you.
Thank you, everybody.
Jimmy Kimmel.
Isn't he doughy, really?
Isn't he about to be canceled?
Keep it going for Jimmy Kimmel.
Wow, that was great, Jim.
I've never seen you be funny
on TV before.
Jimmy, how the hell is that show
still on the air?
That wasn't a premise to a joke.
That was a real question.
I don't want to say
nobody watches it,
but more people have seen
Dennis Rodman reading.
Let's see, Bea Arthur,
of course, is here.
Hello, Bea.
It's great to have you here --
A living legend.
Actually, you and Pam
have a lot in common.
You were both the quintessential
feminist icons of your day,
you both were very successful,
and you both blew Kid Rock.
By the way, Pam,
Kid Rock wanted to be here
but he got stuck
in a 20-year-old.
Kimmel, why are you on TV?
I don't know why I'm
coming back to you,
but why are you on TV?
With that moon face and that
stupid cleft in your chin,
or, as you call it,
Adam Carolla's jizz cup.
Look at you,
you horse-toothed bastard.
Carolla, you got
a mouth full of 2x4s.
Every time you smile,
I remember
to waterproof my deck.
"Carolla" is an Italian word.
It means "one eyebrow."
Have some dignity
and stick to radio.
You look like Pete Sampras
with down's syndrome.
The "Lovelines" --
Only in America.
What a crappy show
the "Lovelines" is.
Yeah, teenagers calling in
to complain about their
abortions and their anal warts.
It's like listening
to the messages
on Andy Dick's
answering machine.
Speaking of anal warts,
good to see Courtney Love here.
Courtney, what the hell
happened to you?
You had a great band,
you're a very talented actress,
and your career dried up faster
than Sarah Silverman's pussy
around guys who can't help her
in the business.
Good to see Eddie Griffin --
Of course, Eddie Griffin.
People said there wouldn't be
any big movie stars
here tonight,
and they were right.
Tommy Lee, of course,
it's tough to slam a guy
for having a huge cock.
But we've all seen
the sex tape, Tommy,
and I know the camera adds
five inches, but Jesus.
Your cock is so huge,
I had to fast forward the tape
to see all of it.
My 5-year-old son walked in
as I was watching it.
Great, now I got to explain
why the pretty blond girl
is being stabbed
with a harpoon.
Of course, this brings me
to Pam, the beautiful goddess.
Hi, Pam.
Pam, I love you, Pam.
I've been a fan of yours
for so long.
But I've got to say,
watching you in that sex tape
was like a whole new experience
for me
because up until then,
I'd never seen anyone
get gonorrhea before.
That was weird.
And I worry about you, Pam.
What's up with the implants?
They're in, they're out,
they're in, they're out.
They're right here.
You've had it in and out
so many times.
They're not contact lenses,
Pam, they're tits.
You've been flattened out
and reinflated
more times than Jeff Ross'
prom date.
You're... You're the best.
You're the best.
You're a vegetarian,
but you have no trouble
swallowing a moose cock.
You're environmentally
but you've caused more seed
to be spilled
than the department
of agriculture.
I've been a fan of yours
for so long.
I feel terrible that you're
gonna get abused here today.
Who are these nobodies?
Who are these nobodies
up here to make fun of you?
People like Lisa Lampanelli.
I'm sure she's gonna come up
here and be mean and fat.
But you know what?
But you know what?
Fuck her.
You've been on the cover
of "Playboy" so many times
and you didn't have to fuck
Hugh Hefner to do it.
You fucked him anyway,
but you didn't have to.
That's right.
You didn't have to.
You're multitalented.
You have a TV show.
You're involved in lots
of humanitarian causes.
You've even "written"
two novels.
You're busier
than Courtney's pharmacist.
What's with the books, Pam?
You have two novels out.
Two novels.
You've now written more books
than you've read.
Pam, give up this
being-a-novelist crap
and stick to what you do best.
You never saw Ernest Hemingway
titty-fucking a rock star,
did ya?
I love your show "Stacked."
It shows your range,
and it proves to everyone
that you can masturbate
to a sitcom
no matter how unfunny it is.
I love it.
"Stacked," you get it?
It's a double entendre.
You work in a bookstore.
There are stacks there,
and you're stacked.
So we call it "Stacked."
That's hilarious.
I love that.
Here's the idea, guys.
"She works in a jewelry store,
"and we call it
'Pearl necklace.'
what do you think?"
You starring in a show
about books and reading
is like Tom Cruise starring
in a show about vaginas.
All right.
Now, I will say this, Pam.
I am, seriously,
a giant fan of yours,
and we're gonna make fun of you
a lot here
but to get to the level
you've gotten is true genius.
People cannot help but love you.
People can't help but love you.
You got unbelievable talent,
and you're America's sweetheart.
You're a Canadian, but those
tits were made in America.
Thank you very much.
Good evening, Pam.
What an amazing night for you.
Unfortunately, as you see,
I'm stuck here again at work,
but I had to take this moment
to tell you
how much you've meant to me
over the years.
You graced the cover
of "Playboy" a record 11 times,
and you went on to accomplish
so much
with nothing but hard work,
and 400ccs of silicone,
proving to women everywhere
that when a girl next door
from modest beginnings
just sticks with me,
she can, one day,
be the next Pam Anderson.
Well, at least
that's what I tell them.
In all seriousness, Pam,
may your spirit and drive
to inspire women everywhere
to whip out their melons --
Er, I mean,
to throw off the chains
of our sexually repressive
But I like
the chains.
Oh, well, so do I.
Well, then it's unanimous.
Tonight, we'll use the chains.
Yay! Yay!
Pam, I know you love animals,
so I want to apologize
for what I'm about to do
to these bunnies.
Good night, and I love you.
We are back with
"The Roast of Pamela Anderson."
Everything all right, ladies?
Pam and Courtney
have struck up a conversation.
Our next roaster was voted
America's hottest rising comic
in 1993.
Still rising.
His chief reason for being here
is to make Greg Giraldo
look famous.
You know him from -- oh, who are
we kidding? You don't know him.
But he's here
so let's make the best of it.
Please say hello
to Nick DiPaolo.
How about a hand
for Jimmy Kimmel?
Come on, folks.
Jimmy the host. Come on.
Apparently, the only thing
lower than Jimmy's ratings
is Sarah Silverman's
Or maybe Bea Arthur's voice.
Have you talked to Bea Arthur?
She sounds like a fucking pirate
with throat polyps.
I just met Bea Arthur
a few minutes ago.
She was standing
at the urinal next to me.
Love ya, baby.
Courtney Love is here tonight.
Courtney Love was amazing
in the movie
"The People vs. Larry Flynt."
She was unbelievable.
She played a white trash
psychotic stripper
who was addicted to heroin.
What did you do
to prepare for that role?
Follow yourself around
for a year?
How about a hand for
Eddie Griffin? Come on, folks.
Eddie, I've seen every one
of your movies...
In a dumpster.
I don't want to say your films
set black people back 50 years,
but when the lowes theater
showed "Undercover Brother,"
they made the audience members
use separate bathrooms.
Andy dick --
Andy, pick a hole
and stick with it.
That's a nice haircut --
You look like the third girl
from Bananarama.
Tommy, I saw the video
with you and Pam.
I haven't seen a bigger
dick on a boat
since I went yachting
with Donald Trump.
Dennis Rodman is here.
Dennis Rodman
is like the black Tommy Lee
because he's a sex symbol,
he's covered in tattoos,
and his career fizzled in '98.
Dennis proves one thing --
It's possible to be cool
and illiterate at the same time.
Adam Carolla --
Adam is half hispanic,
which means not only
is his last name Carolla,
he was probably
conceived in one.
You know who's in the crowd?
Anna Nicole Smith,
one of my favorites.
Anna, what are you doing here?
You should be in a nursing home
and blowing a guy
with a wheelchair
with the most expensive rims.
Let's get to the lady
of the evening, please.
This is ironic.
I finally meet the girl
of my dreams,
and I'm shitting on you
instead of the other way around.
on "The Dukes of Hazzard."
You were fucking terrific.
I'm just kidding.
Pam's the perfect physical
specimen with that silky skin,
that blond hair,
those pouty pink lips,
and that's just her snatch.
Pam's ass is so perfect,
I don't think shit
comes out of it.
I think frozen strawberry yogurt
comes out of it.
It's in a swirl.
It's got sprinkles on it.
Pam, if you had dysentery,
I'd follow you around for a week
with a waffle cone.
And I saw the video
of you and Tommy.
Boy, I'll tell you,
I haven't seen a pussy taking
a pounding like that
since Clay Aiken
lost to Ruben Studdard
on "American Idol."
And, man, Tommy, are you big.
He is big, isn't he, Pam?
Pam has taken so many stitches
down there,
when she puts in a tampon,
it looks like a Raggedy-Ann doll
smoking a cigarette.
And, boy, do you know how
to give great head.
But then again, with your acting
skills, I guess you have to.
As an actor,
you have the emotional range
of Terri Schiavo.
Pam, you know how you say,
"Fur is murder"?
Well, so is watching you act.
If I was a baby seal,
and I had a choice
between being clubbed to death
or watching
an episode of "Stacked,"
I'd be like,
"Somebody call J-Lo,
and let her know
her mittens are ready."
But let's talk about
the show that made you famous
and my dick crooked --
I masturbated to that show
so many times
I used to pay a homeless guy
to stand next to my TV
with a squeegee.
Hey, somebody's got to give
Andy Dick's dad some work,
If you only knew how many times
that I released in your face.
I thought the only way
I was gonna recognize you
is if I just ran into you
after you ate a glazed doughnut.
Seriously, Pam --
She's not dumb.
She's a great actress.
She's fucking beautiful.
She's the reason every guy
gets up in the morning.
I love you to death, Pam.
Thank god you came
to the United States.
Thank you.
I have nothing unpleasant
or disrespectful
to say about our next performer.
She is a great actress
who, for some reason,
has become the punch line
to every joke Jeff Ross
has ever told.
She does not have a penis.
She is not the only woman
ever to beat Max Schmeling.
She is not so old, they named
the letter "b" after her.
She is a national treasure
and should be treated as such.
Please welcome
the beautiful Bea Arthur.
Thank you so much.
Thank you very much.
You know,
everybody loves Pamela Anderson
because she is so beautiful.
I mean, you know her.
She's a "Playboy" sex symbol,
and, of course,
many people admire her
for the fabulous work
that she's been doing
as an animal rights activist.
But I tell you,
I want to honor Pam
for her literary achievements.
Yes, you see,
I have just finished reading
her new novel, "Star Struck."
Very, very, very --
It's a terrific book.
The story concerns a blond,
very large-breasted actress
imaginatively named star,
who plays a lifeguard
on a hit television show
and she becomes
actively involved, romantically,
with a tattooed rocker.
And a videotape that they have
made of their sexual escapades
is leaked to the public.
Pam, where do you come up
with this shit?
Anyway, I would like
to read to you
a couple of my favorite passages
from the book.
The first one is page 86.
"Star had seen the ads
for female wrestling
"on the flashing sign
next to the boobie hatch.
"That's the two pink domes
just off highway 1.
"'Will you do it?'
Jane asked.
"'Well, okay, but I don't do
mud or oil, ' Star sighed,
"a bit overwhelmed.
"'I did a wet t-shirt
contest once at the beach,
"'but mud wrestling just seems
to be -- I don't know --
A little too low-rent.'"
page 151.
"One night, Adam brought
a couple of beers along
"on one of their camp-outs
"and they got a bit drunk.
Adam showed Star his erection.
"'Come on, touch it, ' he urged.
"'Put that away, '
Star said disgustedly.
"'I don't want anything to do
with your wiener.'
"'please, just put your hand
around it, ' Adam pleaded.
"'Go to sleep, Adam, '
Star said, turning over.
"'You can borrow
my mountain bike for a week, '
"he bargained.
"Star rolled over and looked
at him.
"'A month, ' she said.
"'A month?' He asked.
"'No way.'
"'Okay, then.'
"She turned back over
with a smile.
"'Good night.'
"'Okay, a month then, '
Adam sighed.
"And so
their sexual adventures began.
"Repulsed at first,
"Star quickly became fascinated
with the mechanics
"and the hydraulics of it all.
"And the improbable outcome
of climax --
"wet and messy,
"as though silly string
had shot out of his ear...
...only it wasn't his ear."
Page 230.
"She called her gay friend Billy
into her trailer.
"'I need to get your advice
about something, '
"Star said tentatively,
not sure how to bring it up.
"'My advice?'
Billy questioned, suspicious.
"'I do your hair and makeup.'
"'How do you fuck
up the ass?' She blurted.
"'All right, '
Billy said, startled.
"'It's called pitcher
and catcher.'
"'Oh, that sounds fun,
like a game, ' said star.
"'Just get him
to go slow at first, '
"Billy forged ahead.
"'Easy in and then wait.
"'Make sure you get in
a good reach around
"'and he'll love it if you
squeeze your cheeks together,
you know, like you're trying
to hold a fart.'"
Pam, Pam --
Or should I say Star --
You've opened up a whole new
world for me.
I mean, thank you, sweetheart.
God bless.
That was great.
Really brought it to life.
I think we're all thinking
the same thing right now --
"thank god Bea Arthur
doesn't have a video camera."
You cannot have a roast
without our next comic.
But it would be great
if, for once, we tried.
He is the Michael Jordan
of baseball of roasts
and is literally
the only person in this room
Pamela Anderson wouldn't fuck.
Please welcome living proof
that Jews run Hollywood,
Jeffrey Ross.
Cold out there tonight.
What, you don't like it?
Down, girl, boy, whatever.
You want to pet it?
It's 100% puppy.
Oh. For P.E.T.A., right?
People who eat
and torture animals, right?
No, it's not real.
It's not real.
We shaved Bea Arthur's back.
I love ya, babe.
I love ya. I love ya.
You look great, babe.
I wouldn't fuck Bea Arthur's
dick with Andy Dick's pussy.
I'm gonna beat him up.
Oh, this is a lot of fun,
I got to tell you.
Courtney Love,
you're like the girl next door
if you happen to live
next to a methadone clinic.
Hey, give her
a round of applause
for not singing tonight.
How is it possible
that Courtney Love
looks worse than Kurt Cobain?
You want to fucking pick on me?
Who, are you gonna get help from
Pamela "Manderson"?
But, of course, we're not here
to talk about your career, Pam.
We're here to talk
about your pussy.
Tommy Lee, Kid Rock,
Bret Michaels.
Don't you ever fuck
anybody with talent?
You got plastic tits
and a tin ear.
You're fucking your way
to the middle.
You could marry royalty.
You're fucking
Marcus Schenkenberg?
"Who?" Exactly.
He's a seat filler.
Pam, just for the record,
I think
it's kind of hypocritical
that you care so much
about animal rights
since you've been torturing
your own beaver for years.
We've all seen the video
with Tommy Lee.
Folks, I'm not
saying Pam's vagina
is as big as the Lincoln tunnel.
I'm saying it's bigger.
It opened wider
than "Revenge of the Sith."
You got to go to MapQuest
to find her "g" spot.
Is it true that they give
free donkey rides to the bottom?
Do you feel the hush
in the room?
I fucking love it.
What is this?
Oh, sorry. What?
We were talking about
Scott Baio for a second.
The heroin's in the backstage
green room if you need it.
I haven't done that
for years, man.
such a '90s drug.
Such a '90s drug?
Well, then, what the fuck
are you on now?
Tommy Lee's cock is so big,
it has an elbow.
Once a year,
it sheds its foreskin.
Tommy Lee's cock is bigger
than David Hasselhoff is
in Germany.
But, Pam, you're sexier
than ever. You really are.
You are!
That's what this is about.
You know, we should roast
Anna Nicole next year
because we could do
the same jokes.
Plus, fat jokes.
You're very
well-behaved tonight.
All right.
Somebody get her a 90-year-old
cock to suck on, please.
Pam, it's really been fun
roasting somebody
who doesn't get
any of the jokes.
You seem very sweet
and a good sport.
And if you really want
to do something for charity,
you'll give me a hug right now.
Will you, please?
Good stuff so far.
Hey, Pam -- Dave Spade.
Sorry I couldn't be there.
I'm videotaping this,
if you haven't
figured that out already.
I look around the room,
and I see there's a few people
you haven't had sex with.
Not that room.
This room I'm in right now
Me and the video guy.
You did? When?
I thought she was in Hawaii.
So I'm the only one?
What's wrong, Pam?
Is it 'cause I have a job?
Glad to see
Tommy Lee's here tonight.
Apparently P.E.T.A. Stands for
People with Extraordinary
Talents for Assholes.
P-E-T-A -- yeah, that works.
Listen, all kidding aside,
Tommy Lee has a huge cock.
Last time you fucked him,
my ribs hurt for a week.
Way up here.
You know, you have two boys
with him.
Sweet kids. I've met them.
They must love having you
for a mom.
I'm sure their friends
like to come over
for "MILF" and cookies.
Another advantage
of being your kid
is that when they go to school,
they can say, "oh, yeah?
My dad could beat up your dad...
With his dick."
You think that one's dirty?
I see Lisa Lampanelli's there,
the queen of mean.
How does someone
that looks like that
make fun of Pam Anderson?
That's like a turd making fun
of a sunset, all right?
That's nice.
I've never met this girl. Hi.
Anyway, I'm kidding.
I'm not sure
who you're boning at press time
but I wish you well with him.
Sorry I couldn't be there,
but they're not
even paying scale this year.
Bye, honey.
There you go.
Welcome back and good times.
Our next roaster
is the only person
who Courtney Love
thinks has a problem.
He's the primary reason
that the doughnuts backstage
are no longer powdered.
He is a talented man
whom we're gonna miss
very much very soon.
Actually, unfortunately,
I'm being told Andy Dick
could not be with us tonight.
And in his place, long-time
Pamela Anderson plastic surgeon
Dr. Fernando shortcream is here.
Dr. Fernando?
Hello. Testing.
Good evening.
My name...
Is Dr. Fernando T. Shortcream.
And for the last 15 years,
I've been the plastic surgeon
to Pamela Anderson's breasts.
You're welcome.
I want to apologize, Pam,
right away,
because I was brought here
to actually rip you a new one,
since we all know
that Tommy ripped the old one,
which, by the way,
I used what was left
to make Courtney Love's lips...
...which explains
her bad breath.
It smells like ass.
You know, I'll never forget
the time Pam came to my office
and said that she wanted me
to remove her asshole.
I said, "okay.
You married him, okay?
I'm a doctor,
not a divorce lawyer."
When Pam told me
that Tommy gave her hepatitis C,
I didn't believe it
because I figured the best
Tommy could ever hope for
was hepatitis D-minus, at best.
And looky, looky,
Elon Gold is here.
No, nobody cares.
Nobody cares.
He's on TV, but we don't watch.
By the way, how is
that penile implant working out?
Fantastic, fantastic.
That's great.
'Cause you know,
up until you came along,
I've never put one
in a butt before.
Pam... I've been with you
since day one,
and you and I both know that you
didn't always look this great.
You didn't' always look
like that, Pam, did ya?
You have to remember that when
Pam first came to me,
she looked like this.
No, no, no, no, no,
no, no, no, no, no.
I'm sorry, that is not Pamela.
I'm gonna kill my assistant.
That's Lisa Lampa-cunty.
Wait, what is your name?
Lisa Lampa-dikey?
You know, 'cause I know
what's coming.
I know what's coming.
She's got something --
You know, I thought this was
a roast for Pamela Anderson,
not all of us on stage.
I don't want to hear --
I don't have anal warts...
That I know of.
I can't bend my head back
to see.
It itches sometimes,
but not more than you.
If it's hot out,
your butt itches.
But, seriously, Lisa,
if you'd like,
I can work with you,
and I'm sure,
with all the modern advances
in cosmetic surgery
and the industrial cleansers,
I can possibly upgrade you
to this.
Actually, that's quite
a simple procedure, Lisa.
We'll shave your ass,
and give you a circumcision...
On your very responsive
5 1/2-inch clitoris.
There's been
a lot of jokes tonight
about Pamela Anderson's
breasts, okay?
But as her breasts' creator,
I'd like to point out
that they're quite stable.
They really are very,
very well engineered, okay?
This is all standard procedure.
This is just
a clinical adjustment.
These boobs,
these are my creation.
These are my creation.
And, by the way,
by the way,
this is an excellent
hand exercise.
You see how they point
straight ahead, a little up,
like they're gonna take out
the Hubble telescope?
This is all me. All me.
You could place
a glass of wine on one,
and I could personally
jump on the other
and the wine would not spill.
No, seriously, guys,
seriously, don't worry.
She can't feel any of this.
I can so.
You drooled on me.
Hang on.
Medical emergency.
Oh, okay. I gotta go.
Nicole Kidman tried to blink and
tore her forehead open again.
Out of my way.
I am a doctor!
I'm a doctor! Out of my way.
Pam, I've been meaning
to tell you --
I actually pitched
a story line
to the writers for next season.
In this episode, there's gonna
be some big misunderstanding
and I come on your tits.
Wait, Tommy, aren't you supposed
to be, like, 100 yards away?
Comedy Central has scheduled
within the broadcast
two different boner breaks
to allow the overheated viewer
a chance to cool off.
I'm the first one.
Later on, you'll lose your wood
to Courtney Love.
Told ya.
Love what you do
for the animals.
I don't happen
to have animals myself
'cause I wear them.
I eat them.
See, you trying to take chicken
out of a black man's hand,
that ain't gonna happen.
African-American --
We love to...
No, I'm a nigger.
are different kind of people.
I've been to jail.
I know.
We all know you've been to jail.
We all know you should go back.
No one -- and I mean no one --
Has masturbated
to Pamela Anderson
more than our next presenter.
In fact, no one has masturbated
more than our next presenter.
Critics are calling
his new talk show,
"Too Late with Adam Carolla,"
"D.L. Hughley-esque."
He is here tonight to introduce
our musical performance.
Please welcome, my Garfunkel,
Adam Carolla.
Thank you.
It's great to be here.
Give a hand to Jimmy Kimmel,
Sarah and him
make an awesome couple.
Sarah, it's got to be
hard on you
faking the orgasms
and the laughter.
Oh, what about Courtney Love?
She set a new personal best.
41 minutes before she showed
her pussy on stage, everybody.
Not since Cal Jam in 1979
has she had
that kind of personal best.
Thank you.
When they asked me
to introduce Tommy Lee tonight,
I was thrilled.
Tommy's penis
has been a hero of mine
ever since it broke down
the color barrier in '97.
Tommy's penis has come a long
way since its humble beginnings
growing up on a small farm
in Huge Cockburg.
Tommy may have stopped drinking
and doing the drugs,
but his penis
still starts every day
with a shot of whiskey
and an 8 ball.
So, now we all know
about the man's penis,
but there's a little thing
I didn't know about the man.
I didn't know
he was actually a musician.
Oh, yes.
And his instrument escapes me,
but I think it was the cello.
here to perform "Good Times,"
please welcome Tommy Lee
and his penis.
Put down the magazine
and get off the phone
There's a place I wanna show
you, and it wont take long
Take a ride
Take a ride
It's looking like
we're getting there
Over here, comin' clear
A place that has no lines
or times or crimes
Just good times
Just good times
Take me away
To a place
Where the good times,
good times roll
Don't let me stay
In a place
Where this hate
can steal my soul
Got myself worked up
over nothing today
All the trash
that's in my head
I gotta throw it away
It's all right
It's all right
It's looking
like we're getting there
Over here, comin clear
A place that has no lines
or times or crimes
Just good times
Just good times
Take me away
To a place
Where the good times,
good times roll
Don't let me stay
In this place
Where this hate
can steal my soul
come on.
This is it
I'm finally here
And all the blurry lines
are clear
And everything
that I can see
Seems to make
more sense to me
Why the hell
can't I just let it go?
Let it go, yeah
come on.
Take me away
To a place
Where the good times,
good times roll
Don't let me stay
In this place
Where this hate
can steal my soul
Let the good times roll
Take it away
Let the good times roll
Take it away
Let the good times roll
Let the good times roll
Woman: There you go, kitty.
Hit it.
Blockin', boppin',
beat nonstoppin'
Jumpin' up and down till
the neighbors start stalkin'
Rainin', wailin',
I ain't complainin'
Can't bring me down with
the beats I'm playin' with
Yeah. Come on, everybody.
We got it going on
Go, go, go, go, go, go
We got it going on
Ho, ho
Ho, ho
We got it going on
Kimmel: Wow.
Even Pamela Anderson's cats
fuck on videotape.
Pam, Scott Baio just called.
He wants to know if he left
a jean jacket in your vagina.
Oh, Jimmy,
don't be mean.
I'm sorry.
If Anna Nicole Smith played
the guitar, our next presenter
would be getting
quite a run for her money.
Shut up, Jimmy.
She's here tonight on loan
from the L.A. county
Sheriff's Department.
Jimmy, stop it.
The fact that she has chosen
to attend this event
is further proof
that she is a danger
to both herself and others,
but don't worry.
She slipped herself a roofie
before the show.
We should be fine.
Maybe not.
Cover your heads, hide the mike
stands, for Courtney Love.
Jimmy Kimmel has a lot of balls
for sticking up for me all year
and being really nice to me
even after I got carted away
to Bellevue.
And before I even start this,
I want to say that
I never saw the
Tommy Lee and Pam video
because I thought it was
bad Karma to watch that.
You know. Okay.
I'm not really a comic,
you know.
I'm a smoker.
I've been clean and sober
for a year,
so all these drug yokes --
Jokes are retarded.
"Yokes." Jokes.
I'm wondering, why am I here?
Why am I here?
It was a nice change
from the usual sort of...
"Where am I?"
You know, last year, when I was
being carted off to Bellevue,
I was sort of above myself
looking down,
and all I could think
looking on the gurney was,
"Pam would look so much better
in this straitjacket than me."
I'm feeling a relapse.
Where's that Eddie Griffin guy?
He was funny.
You know, you African-Americans
only know about me
'cause I've been arrested.
Me and Pam both have
really wild reputations.
As a matter of fact,
last week I was handcuffed.
I was maced.
I was locked in a cell.
I was sodomized
without a condom.
And just my luck,
I lost the guy's number.
So, okay,
I don't know that this is true,
but it's been said
on television,
it's been said
in "Rolling Stone."
It's about both of us.
Apparently, me and Pam
both have a reputation
for being the best fucks
in the entire world...
'Cause we give it all.
The only...
For instance, Pam is a girl
that you want to fuck
and tell all your friends about
and I'm the girl
that you want to fuck
and you refuse to tell
any of your friends about
and then go see the doctor.
And Pam's my real friend.
This isn't, like, a joke roast.
I'm here giving my rock cred --
My knock-on-wood,
rock cred to Pam Anderson
because I actually
totally love her.
And we are really, really close,
and Pam and I
have our differences.
She falls in love
with musicians.
I fall in love
with good musicians.
But no matter
how much we disagree,
I can't stay mad at her.
The other day
she sat on my sunglasses,
and she broke them.
But it was my fault.
I was wearing them at the time.
And when it comes to drugs,
you know, me and Pam
are total opposites.
I have to pay for mine.
Speaking of drugs,
hi, Tommy Lee,
you goddamn professional.
Let me stand here
and pretend
that we have never
slept together.
I want to clear something up
about Pamela Anderson.
She is not just a bimbo
who has sex with rock "stars."
She also has sex with big, huge
movie producers
who tell her they're gonna
put her in their movies,
and then they don't.
We're gonna go goth.
Get a fucking Betty page
haircut, right?
Date Marilyn Manson --
I'm gonna totally make you read
like Elroy, right?
I'm gonna shut up.
All right.
Pam, I think you have
a lot of depth.
I think you're really deep,
because even though I didn't see
the video,
I have seen pictures of
Tommy Lee's cock.
It's like --
It went, like, here --
It's, like --
How do you take that
with that Barbie pussy?
No, I never saw the video!
I swear to god!
Pam, I've got a great idea.
I'm gonna teach you
to be a rock star.
Seriously, I want you to cut
your little perfect nails
and learn the three essential
punk rock chords on your guitar
and you can teach me how
to sit on Hugh Hefner's lap
and call him "daddy"
without puking.
Am I gonna get
to that point, Pam?
Give it up for Kirstie Alley,
Yeah, Kirstie Alley.
Okay, here's something you don't
know about Pam Anderson.
Her father was actually
Mensa level.
He had an IQ of 160.
He also had big huge man tits,
and you can figure out
what she inherited, right?
Pam, the truth is I love you,
really, a lot.
I really do.
And I want to protect you
from all these evil
fucking stand-up guys
that are trying to make their
goddamn name making fun of you.
Fuck them.
All right.
You know what
my favorite thing about you is?
Other than your tits
and your ass and your thighs
and your cheeks and your teeth
and your hair,
you're so fucking real.
I love you, Pamela.
I really do.
All right, that was
my comedy debut.
Courtney has asked me
to invite everyone
to the intervention
after the show.
I'm clean and sober
for a year!
I hope that's not true
because if you're not on drugs,
you've got problems.
Nicely done, though.
Our next performer
is where I put my penis
when I'm thinking
about Pamela Anderson.
She is one of only two people
in this room
who have given me a blowjob.
That's right,
I'm talking to you Carolla.
She is one of the hairiest women
on the planet.
She is the Zira
to my Cornelius.
Please say hello
to the apple of my eye
and the plum in my anus,
Sarah Silverman.
Sarah... We love you.
Do it for Frances Bean,
You can do the right thing.
You know what?
I'm not gonna make fun of Jimmy
this year
because I don't want him to
withhold his tiny penis from me.
That's so hacky.
He doesn't have a tiny penis.
It looks small
next to his gigantic balls.
I'm a ball man.
You know how like...
You know how a smell can just
totally take you back
to a place?
The other day,
I went into an elevator,
and it smelled just like
the hallway of my high school.
Jimmy's balls smell
exactly like my Nana's house...
They smell like lemons!
...Benson and Hedges deluxe
ultra lights and brisket.
God, I miss her.
I don't know.
Maybe it's the other way around.
Maybe my Nana's house
all these years
has smelled like Jimmy's balls.
Maybe that's how you know
it's the one.
I'll never forget the first time
I saw Jimmy's balls.
They were
on Adam Carolla's chin.
You know, before I met Adam,
I really...
I prejudged him, you know?
And knowing him now, it's just
I was totally wrong about him.
He's such a special guy.
He's got such a depth to him.
He has passions,
such as shitting,
lighting farts,
music, smelling farts.
And he actually has
a really big penis.
I've never seen it before,
but Jimmy says it feels like
10 inches.
Jeff Ross is here.
Pam, I don't know if you know
this, but Jeff is actually
best friends with one of your
costars, Elon Gold.
Their noses went to
Hebrew school together.
Who else is here?
Andy Dick.
Stay sober!
Here's to it.
Andy is an inspiration to me.
His body actually
turns cocaine into riboflavin.
A lot of people make jokes
about Andy being gay.
I came here to tell you
Andy is definitely straight.
He just asked out Katie Holmes.
Everybody's doing jokes
about Bea Arthur has a penis.
It's so mean, and
I happen to know for a fact
that she doesn't have a penis.
She has a vagina, okay?
She has a big, floppety, sloppy,
bushy, wiry, gray vagina.
Which reminds me, Courtney Love
is here, who I love.
Trying to steal
your boyfriend.
I know. It's okay.
It's weird.
I was curious to see which
Courtney love was gonna show up.
The smeared-lipstick
crazy coke whore,
or the violent smeared-lipstick
crazy coke whore.
No, I'm so glad she's here.
I left my crack
in my other purse.
I don't do that
anymore, Sarah!
I swear to god,
it's been a year.
You got it, doll.
But we're here for Pam.
Let's talk about the woman
of the hour, Pam Anderson.
Now, I don't really
know Pam personally,
but I'll never forget the first
time I saw her asshole.
I knew she had
that special something.
I couldn't put my finger in it.
She's gorgeous, of course.
But even she'll admit
that it takes work.
She literally spends hours
primping and waxing
and bleaching.
But enough about her asshole.
Let's talk about...
...say, her vagina.
It's the only way you can tell
a woman's true hair color,
and lucky for you, I actually
caught a glimpse of it
while she was changing,
and her true hair color?
Totally bald.
Pam's got two gorgeous sons.
They're actually
the only two guys
that have ever come out of Pam.
A lot of people say,
"Oh, Pam Anderson wouldn't be
anyone without her tits."
And that is just not true.
It's not true.
She'd be Paris Hilton.
I actually -- oh.
I actually did a guest role
on "VIP."
It was a lot of fun, and we were
shooting on the beach one day,
and in between takes,
she ran up to me,
and she was like,
"Oh, my god, Sarah!
Quick, pee on me!"
And I was like, "Oh, my god!
Did you get stung
by a jellyfish?"
And she said,
"What's a jellyfish?"
who is an amazing, special,
gorgeous, and kind person
who's only here
because of a huge donation
that comedy central
agreed to give to P.E.T.A.,
where she works.
And she's amazing,
especially her work
with the one-eyed trouser snake,
which she did a few years ago.
She actually...
She made a video, actually,
where she cradled it in her arms
and actually nursed it
back to life...
With her mouth.
All that...
And she still has time
to suck Tommy Lee's cock
on a yacht in St. Barths.
God bless you, Pamela.
And happy birthday, America.
What can you say
about our next presenter
that hasn't already been said
about Bea Arthur?
The vein in his penis
is bigger than my penis.
If you've ever fucked
Pamela Anderson
and didn't feel a thing,
he is the man to thank.
He is the drummer from Warrant
or maybe Dokken.
I'm not sure which really.
Here he is, Tommy Lee.
Can I get a big "Hell, yeah"
for Pamela?
Hi, baby.
You know what?
This has been absolutely
fucking incredible.
And if I've learned one thing
is that all comedians
have small dicks.
That's right.
It's true.
Yeah, well...
No, that's not true.
You do?
You've seen it.
Let me see.
That's small, dude.
Compared to you.
With a name like Andy Dick,
it should be a lot bigger.
All right, well, yeah.
Whatever, yeah.
Okay, so I got a big one.
What do you expect?
Stand up...
I mean, who else could get
a woman like Pamela Anderson?
And I thought I was dumb.
Stand up, Tommy.
You don't have to lean.
But I like to lean.
I like to get close to it.
Really close to it.
Okay, actually, Jimmy Kimmel
came up to me backstage,
and he asked me what it was like
to have slept with Pam.
And I said,
"Well, it must be like
the feeling that a comedian gets
when you get a huge laugh."
And Jimmy said,
"Could you be more specific?"
And Courtney Love, god,
it's so great to see you...
Without a hospital gown
and restraints on.
And, god, Courtney can really
rock the house --
Or at least throw rocks
at the house
at 3:00 in the morning,
drunk off her ass
until the cops take her away
in handcuffs.
Oh, god.
Speaking of people I met
in rehab,
Dennis Rodman's here tonight.
Give it up.
The only guy on the earth
with more rebounds
than me and Pam.
Now for the real reason
I came here tonight --
To honor my beautiful, talented,
compassionate blond ex-wife.
Unfortunately, Heather Locklear
couldn't be here tonight.
So let's make fun
of Pamela instead, okay?
This is actually a special time
for Pam to be here
because she just turned 38
and her tits just turned 14.
Pam, I'll always remember
the very first time that we met.
It was at a club in Los Angeles.
You spotted me
from across the room.
You walked up to me,
and you said those magical
five words.
"I will fuck any drummer."
Pam and I shared one of
history's greatest romances.
It's like that book... Um...
Who am I kidding?
I've never read a book.
I can barely read
my fucking tattoos.
Well, you can't imagine
what it's like
coming home to Pam every night.
I mean, unless you own
an inflatable doll
that nags
and pays for your piercings.
I'm kidding, baby.
I'm so kidding.
Pam is
the sweetest person alive.
I mean, look how much
she loves animals.
The closest thing I've ever seen
her come to animal cruelty
was the time
she shaved her pussy.
She's always doing cool stuff
to spice up our love life
like the trapeze
she installed in our bedroom.
To this day, I cannot go to a
circus without getting a boner.
Honestly, I can't go anywhere
without getting a boner.
Like I said, Pam,
we've had our ups and downs --
Mostly in bed --
But I'll make you
a deal tonight, okay?
I'll forgive you for Kid Rock,
if you forgive me
for the stripper in Detroit,
the twins in Grand Rapids,
the blonde
from the House of Blues,
the brunette
from the House of Blues,
and the redhead
I'm meeting later tonight.
And, of course, Bea Arthur.
Okay, Pam, before I leave,
I just wanted to say,
you've always been there for me,
and your spirit and kindness
is an inspiration to me.
Like I said 500,000 times
on that damn sex tape,
I fucking love you, baby.
Kimmel: On this channel
on September 10th,
our final roaster tonight has
a one-woman show about divorce,
and dating black people --
By choice, not because
she has to because she's fat.
It is called,
"I would rather suck my
grandfather's balls
than watch it."
She is the reason why
Italian men beat their wives.
Please welcome Lisa Lampanelli.
Come on.
Clap for fat and untalented.
Come on.
Let them hear it.
Clap for Jimmy.
Doing a great job all night,
and big hand for me
having to follow this bunch
of "Surreal Life" wannabes.
Come on, fuckers, clap.
I gotta go last.
I'm not famous yet.
Suck my cock.
But back to our host,
the soon-to-be-canceled
Jimmy Kimmel.
Come on. Nobody watches
that piece-of-crap show.
A horse shitting
on a parade route
has a bigger following
than Jimmy Kimmel.
Hitler got more laughs
than Jimmy Kimmel,
and he did it
without Jewish writers.
Tom cruise watched it
and went on antidepressants.
What a dais we have tonight,
We've got a drag queen,
a pervert, and a drug addict,
and I'm only talking
about Andy Dick.
Andy Dick...
What a fruity bastard.
I'm not saying Andy Dick is gay,
but I will say he's been known
to guess the flavor of a
popsicle just by sitting on it.
But don't get me wrong.
I love gay guys.
If it wasn't for these fags,
us fat chicks
would have no friends.
But enough about
that pickle kisser.
And Courtney Love,
what a legend.
I love Courtney.
Courtney Love's band
was called "Hole."
Hole --
Not "whole" as in "complete,"
but "Hole" as in
"dirty, stinky pussy."
What a whore Courtney is.
She would suck a dick
for a diet.
Don't worry, honey.
I do it
just for the taste of it.
I see Eddie Griffin
is here tonight.
I don't know
much about you, Eddie,
but I do know I love your
brothers, Damon and Marlon.
But you know me, Eddie.
I love the black man.
I'm a white girl with a big ass.
I've had more black dick in me
than a urinal at the Apollo.
I've banged so many black guys,
I'm getting ashy.
Eddie Griffin and Dennis Rodman,
the only two blacks on the dais.
I understand why comedy central
only had two of youse here --
Any more and there'd be
a shooting.
But enough about the coloreds.
We're here tonight
to celebrate the career of the
most famous woman in the world,
Pamela Anderson.
Pam Anderson...
Is a legend.
She has dated Scott Baio,
the singer from Poison,
and the drummer
from Motley Crue.
Her life story
should be a show on VH1
called "I Fucked the '80s."
Pam, you are all woman,
but how did you physically
have sex with Tommy Lee?
He has a huge schlong.
If he put that thing
in front my face,
I wouldn't know whether I should
suck it or feed it a peanut.
But I'm gonna be honest.
I'm sitting up here tonight.
And I'm not comfortable
with all these people
taking shots at Pam Anderson.
We on this dais are no one
to make fun of this woman.
I ask you, can any of you done
what she's done?
Would "Baywatch"
have been number one
if it were Jimmy Kimmel's boobs
jiggling in slow motion?
Jimmy can't get anyone to watch
his show now
and they jiggle
at regular speed.
Could Adam Carolla
have made David Hasselhoff rich
just by wearing a bathing suit?
Of course not.
No one wants to see
his furry nut sack in a speedo.
It would look like a squirrel
fighting its way
out of a crown royal bag.
I'm not done.
And that sex video --
No one on this dais
could have done that.
If Andy Dick would have
blown Tommy Lee on screen,
would it have made millions?
Andy Dick has blown
thousands of men,
and he hasn't made enough money
to pay for his vagina surgery.
But all jokes aside, Pam,
seriously, I'd like to thank you
for giving me the opportunity
to make fun of you tonight.
I think the reason
the world loves you so much
is that you are beautiful
and famous,
yet you still treat everyone you
meet with kindness and respect.
As a woman not nearly as famous
or as beautiful,
let me say
from the bottom of my heart,
knock it off, bitch,
you're making me look like
a foul-mouthed cunt.
Thank you, guys.
And now, ladies and gentlemen,
a woman who has endured an
enormous amount of abuse tonight
all to support
her favorite charity.
She has been working
with P.E.T.A. Since 1989,
the day her gynecologist
discovered a family
of spotted owls
living in her enormous vagina.
In all honesty, she's
a real sport, and god bless her.
She really knows
how to suck a penis.
Please welcome
our guest of honor,
the one and only
Pamela Anderson.
All right.
Fuck off.
Thank you.
This has been fun.
I have to set
the record straight, though.
For the record,
I do have a tight pussy.
Right, Tommy?
Anyway, it doesn't matter.
Okay. First of all, I want to
thank Jimmy Kimmel for hosting.
He's been great.
He's been so great.
But then again,
as a member of P.E.T.A.,
I love anything with beady eyes
that can be trained
to shit in a box.
As you can imagine,
it's been very uncomfortable
up here for me,
at least, these last 90 minutes
because this is actually
the longest I've ever been
in clothes.
There's been a lot of talk about
all the guys I've had sex with,
a lot of whom
couldn't be here tonight
because the Staples Center
wasn't available.
I want to thank Jimmy, Adam,
Greg, Nick, Andy,
and everyone else in the room
that Sarah Silverman has fucked.
Eddie Griffin, I would love
to have thanked you, too,
but I'm told Sarah
only blew you.
I guess that last
commercial break
was shorter than she expected.
I do what I can.
Funny stuff.
Lady bunny,
I always knew you were crazy,
but in that skirt, I can clearly
see you're nuts.
Well, I can't believe
my friend Courtney Love is here
doing stand-up comedy.
This is great.
I knew she could do comedy.
I just didn't know
she could stand up.
I mean, she and I
have been friends for years.
She remembers -- one of them.
Actually, Nick DiPaolo
came up to me backstage
and told me he was
a huge Hole fan.
So I introduced him
to Lisa Lampanelli.
Ross: You go, girl.
Andy, I want to thank you for
your hilarious doctor sketch.
I know how nauseous it makes you
to touch a woman.
Oh, you know what?
I forgot Greg Giraldo.
But so have the rest of you.
Is my shirt see-through?
Darn it.
Oh, damn.
Not again.
Underdressed again.
Okay, no one tell.
Bea, I want to thank you
for reading my book.
My publicist was right.
It does sound much sexier
in a man's voice.
Oh, my boobs are so out there.
Thank god
this is Comedy Central.
Yeah, it's all right.
It's okay.
Yeah. It's all right.
Okay, yes, we've all heard all
night how Tommy's well-endowed,
but he's also very charming.
Tommy, I remember when we met
you had the best pick-up line.
You said, "I'm very well endowed
and charming."
I remember the first time
I saw Tommy's penis,
I was speechless,
until my throat healed.
Tommy, you and I were together
for three years
and through it all,
I can honestly say
those were the happiest years
of your life.
I've had a great time tonight,
but I have to say,
the reason I went through this
was to benefit
the P.E.T.A. Organization.
I want to thank them
for all their incredible work,
and I want to thank
everyone here tonight.
And none of this would
have been possible
without my two dear friends,
Poncho and Lefty.
Good night, everybody.
Ooh! Jesus Christ!
Let's jump Pam.
Come here.
I want to thank everyone
for coming tonight.
Call the police!
Good night.