Comedy Chingonas (2021) Movie Script

(cheerful music)
- Hey.
What you reading?
- Nothing, nothing.
- Shakespearian sonnets?
- Shall I compare thee
to a summer's day?
Rough winds do shake
the darling buds of May.
- Yeah.
Who taught you that?
- Who else?
My mom, she was a real Chingona.
- I have a question for you.
- Okay.
- A head-to-head match up,
Captain Marvel versus
a real Chingona?
- It wouldn't even be fair.
A real Chingona would
kick the crap out of that
Marvel Captain bato.
- Mm-hmm.
Yeah, Hollywood
needs to make a movie
with a Chingona superhero.
- Ooh, straight up,
Mija, straight up.
- What kind of superpowers
do you think she would have?
- What kind of superpowers
wouldn't she have?
- You're right.
So, Danny and I are here to
give props for the next hour
to a group of funny ladies
called the Comedy Chingonas.
- Yeah!
- Enjoy!
- Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.
We can't do this without music.
There you are.
U qu Chingona, esas pinches
envidiosas qu mamonas
- Yeah.
They're not even
on my level hey
- Let's get started.
- Enjoy it.
- Woo!
I'm so motivated can't
nobody fuck with me
I'm so elevated ain't
nobody stopping me
I'm trying to live
from a good place
- What's up, y'all?
How's it going?
I'm not from Austin, I'm
from Laredo, I'm from Laredo.
(audience cheers)
Okay, yeah, yeah, don't
say, "she's a mamona now"
"she's from Austin."
(audience laughs)
No, I'm from
Laredo, from Laredo.
I got all okay 'ta
bueno, we'll talk after.
(audience laughs)
I only got 10
minutes, girl, okay?
I'm from Laredo, I got all
the Selena cups for Christmas.
Thank you, and I don't
need any more, okay?
I know they're $2, like
what a cheap ass gift.
(audience laughs)
My favorite Selena cup
that I have of all of them
is the one where
she's like leaning,
'cause that bitch would
lean real good, right?
And around the cup it says
Queen of Cumbia, right?
(audience laughs)
But it's my favorite,
because if I hold it
in just the right way
it looks like it says
"Queen of Cum."
(audience laughs)
And that's just more
on brand for me.
(audience laughs)
You know?
I can tell the audience
is split on cum,
that's fine, you know?
You win cum, you lose
cum, that's fine.
(audience laughs)
That's fine.
I also got a Selena
shirt for Christmas,
but it was too small.
And it's Selena's
face, you know,
like the, "Amor
Prohibido" cover.
You know?
And she's supposed
to look like this.
But she's all like stretched out
and she just looks mad.
She's like, "Mm.
(audience laughs)
"Mm, oh, 'Como La
Flor,' really?"
(audience laughs)
I'm like, "Why are you
mad? Stop being mad.
"Stop being mad."
And it's just crazy to me that
my friend got my
t-shirt size wrong,
'cause all you have to do
to know what size I wear
is come to Ross
with me and my mom,
'cause that bitch will
yell it across the store.
(audience laughs)
Every fucking time.
We have our routine,
right, we get to Ross,
she goes to the first rack
and she's like checking,
hanger, hanger,
hanger, hanger, hanger.
And it's like the first rack
is like little boy pants.
(audience laughs)
I'm like, "What are
you checking there?
"There's nothing
there for you, ma'am."
And she's like, "No,
you have to check,
'cause they hide stuff."
(audience laughs)
"The bitches, they hide stuff."
(audience laughs)
So she's checking, hanger,
hanger, hanger, hanger, hanger.
(audience cheers)
And then I'm always, I'm like
literally two feet behind her
holding all her
damn bags, right?
I'm just right here.
But then she starts.
"Vanessa, Vanessa,
one X or two X?
(audience laughs)
"Vanessa Marie Gonzales,
one X or two X?"
And I'm right here.
(audience laughs)
I'm like, "Mom, ya!"
"Stop yelling."
"One, one X."
And every time she looks
at me and she goes,
"No, Mijita, I don't think so.
(audience laughs)
"I don't, I'm sorry, but no.
"No, no, no, no, mira como
traes la Selena toda mm.
"No, Mijita."
I'm like, "Then why do
you ask me then, bitch?
(audience laughs)
That's entrapment.
(audience laughs)
I'm done with her.
I'm done with her!
I'm gonna start
shopping on my own.
Be a grown ass woman.
I have a boyfriend.
(audience cheers)
Thank you.
It's getting serious, we
just got a dog together.
It's a little puppy,
her name is Bugs.
Short for Bugsnessa Gonzales.
(audience laughs)
And we took Bugs to the vet
to get her puppy shots, right?
'Cause we vaccinate
our children.
And as soon as we got
there, right, the vet,
she was like in a mood and
she takes Bugs from my hands
and she immediately just starts
stabbing the shit out of my dog.
And I was like, "Excuse me,
ma'am, can you be more gentle?"
"That's a baby puppy."
And she gives me attitude.
She's like, "Calm down, ma'am."
And she keeps on.
(audience laughs)
And then she takes out
this 10 inch thermometer
to put in the dog's
butt hole, sir.
I know.
(audience laughs)
He was like, "For what?
"For the butt hole."
(audience laughs)
And I was like,
"No, no, no, no, no.
"That is a newborn
baby puppy, okay?"
"You can't put that in her butt,
she's never felt that
sensation before.
She's gonna freak out."
"Like, can we talk to her,
put candles or something?"
(audience laughs)
And again, she was like,
"Calm down, ma'am."
And she went and she got
this can of Cheese
Whiz from the back.
And she put a bunch of
Cheese Whiz on the ground.
And Bugs went to town
on the Cheese Whiz.
She was like, "Yeah!"
Y'all, they put that
thermometer in her.
She didn't bat an eyelash, okay?
They could have put 10
thermometers back there.
And she was like, "Yeah!"
And I look at my boyfriend.
I was like, "Are you
gonna say something?"
"That's your daughter."
(audience laughs)
And he's all shook.
He's like "What?
"She doesn't care."
(audience laughs)
And I was like, "Fuck,
she doesn't care."
(audience laughs)
"Well, if you ever want to
put cheese on the ground."
(audience laughs)
"I'm just saying, I'm
not gonna know nothing."
(audience laughs)
I'm just gonna be walking
through the kitchen like,
"Who put this cheese here?"
(audience laughs)
"Is that Munster?
"I fucking love Munster."
"There's like a
sharp cheddar here."
(audience laughs)
"Crackers, meats, it's
like a charcuterie."
I don't even know how
to say it, charcuterie.
(audience laughs)
"What happened?"
"Oh, you got me again, okay."
"Okay, what's my temperature?"
(audience laughs)
I do like, I do like having
sex, thank you, thank you.
(audience cheers)
I do like having sex.
I did lie earlier,
I'm not queen of cum.
I hate cum actually.
It's just the worst part.
It's the worst part of sex
when the guy cums, right?
'Cause like, when we're
having sex, it's like all fun.
And then the guy's gonna cum
and his face gets all serious.
(audience laughs)
And he gets all
mad and he's like,
"Where do you want me to cum,
where do you want me to cum?"
(audience laughs)
"This isn't a game!"
I'm like, "What, you're
mad at me, you're mad?
"I thought I was helping
you, now you're mad."
(audience laughs)
It's like the stakes
go from zero to 60.
Like all of a sudden I
feel like I have a bomb
and there's a red and blue wire.
And he's like, "Which
one do I cum on?"
(audience laughs)
It's gonna go off
and I'm just like,
"I don't know, remember your
training? I don't know."
Thank you so much, y'all
I'm Vanessa Gonzales.
las palabras mas malas.
(audience applauds and cheers)
- All right, please
welcome Debi Gutierrez.
Woo hoo!
(audience applauds and cheers)
- Hello everybody,
my name is Debi.
I am so happy to be here.
Then again, I'm a
wife and a mommy.
I'm just happy to be out of
the goddamn house, people.
Oh shoot, I didn't even
tell my family I was coming.
I just fucking left.
(audience laughs)
I've been doing
this for 26 years
and I've talked about my
children when they were very
very little, very
little, very little.
And awful.
And, come on, they are, right?
Let's be honest, they're awful.
That's why God makes them cute
so you don't snap their
fucking neck on a good day.
(audience laughs)
And now they've all grown up.
They've all grown up.
And my husband and I are
empty nesters since December.
I know, I know.
Oh my gosh, this is the
first time I've been dressed
since December 1st, it's lovely.
So, so anyways, my oldest
is getting married.
Yeah, she's getting married.
And apparently now,
see my husband and I got
married 100 years ago.
And apparently now for
weddings, everybody has a theme.
Have you heard of this?
A theme, a theme wedding.
And her theme is
Beauty and the Beast.
"Beauty and the Beast, mom.
"That's my wedding, the
Beauty and the Beast.
"Everything has to be
Beauty and the Beast."
So there my mom, my 85
year old mom in there
trying to make fucking
candelabras out of, you know,
spit and pipe cleaner.
And she goes, "Nami,
what was your theme?"
And my mom looks right
at her and she goes,
"My theme, wedding."
(audience laughs)
So I go on Pinterest to find
out more about
weddings nowadays.
'Cause apparently
I know nothing.
And they start kicking me over
to other things with these young
marrieds and young mothers.
Oh my gosh.
So Pinterest talks about
something called a Baby Moon.
Where's the Gen-Z'ers?
A Baby Moon?
A fucking Baby Moon?
Are you kidding me?
So people my age, here's
what a Baby Moon is,
it's a really
fucking stupid idea.
A Baby Moon is you
and your husband,
who should be saving money.
You guys go and you
get ready for baby.
"I'm ready for baby."
You go somewhere exotic, right?
You go to Hawaii for a week.
"I'm getting ready for baby.
"Spiritually ready for baby.
"We're getting emotionally
ready for baby."
Here's how you get
ready for baby.
Are you listening?
Here's how you get
ready for baby.
You set your alarm to go
off every two fucking hours.
That's how you get
ready for baby.
(audience laughs)
Holy cow.
And so, and then, and
then Pinterest talks about
a push gift.
Gen Z'er, you know
what a push gift is?
Yeah, a push gift?
So this is what the
Kardashians started.
You know, they got like a
car or a piece of jewelry
or an island.
(audience laughs)
And so the push gift is a
gift you get for having baby.
It's a push gift.
You know what I got
for a push gift?
I got a fucking cesarean,
that's what I got
for a push gift.
(audience laughs)
So that's my 34 year old,
off and getting married.
Then my middle kid,
used to be a he.
And now she's a she.
And that makes me
a trans parent.
(audience laughs)
And I'll tell you
what, it was a shock.
I mean, no amount of Baby Moons
was gonna get me ready for that.
And so, and so it was,
you know, and look,
I'm here for her
and I'm trying to wrap my
head around it, you know?
I'm really trying.
And for those of you that you
identify in a different way,
be nice to the people
that are patient
and are trying to
figure it out, you know?
I get it.
You're like Harry Potter,
"I'm a fucking what?"
"I'm a wizard."
And so I get it, you're excited.
But here's the first thing
that happened was a name.
She couldn't decide on a name.
Like one day it was Samantha
and then another
day it was Ruby.
"And I think I'll try Susan."
So every day it was
a different name
and then she'd get mad at me
because I couldn't remember it.
(audience laughs)
First of all, I'm a mom.
Don't you have
everybody's fucking name
going through your head
at one time, right?
How many of you even
called out for the dog?
And you're looking at
one of the kids, right?
And so, you know, "I wish you
would just remember my name."
How about this?
If I'm looking at
you, it's fucking you.
(audience laughs)
"Now go move your goddamn car
"so daddy can have
the driveway."
(audience laughs)
And some things changed
with my trans kid.
Some things changed, but
some things remain the same.
Now this was my lazy kid.
Oh, she was so
lazy, always looking
for a handout and things
didn't change that, you know?
And that goes against
everything I have as a parent.
And she actually said to me,
"Well, mom, you know, I'm
gonna apply for disability."
I said, "Why?"
And she says,
"Well, I'm a woman."
(audience laughs)
"I have a vagina, I work.
"Your sister has a
vagina, she's working.
"Hey, your little sister has
a little teeny, tiny vagina
"and she's babysitting.
"Put on your high heels,
baby, and go get a job."
(audience cheers)
And so, yes, I'm not
saying I don't love my,
God, I love her, I
love her, I love her.
And you know, I'm just
having a hard time
wrapping my head around it.
So my baby, who's a Gen-Z'er,
oh, you fucking Gen-Z'ers, man.
Oh my God, you
guys talk so much.
You think everybody
needs to hear
every fucking thought
in your head, right?
And so, right, right?
So my daughter goes
to me, she goes,
"Mom, let me explain
things to you, okay?
"So you know how I'm pansexual?"
(audience laughs)
I went to a therapist, I go,
"I have a cis, a
trans and a pan."
And he said, "Oh, you know,
if you continue to have kids
"they would continue to identify
in the LBGTQ community."
And I thought to myself,
"Oh fuck, I'm glad
I stopped at three.
"I would have had a unicorn
at this point, right?"
(audience laughs)
They start giving new letters.
You know, we need new
letters just for Deb's kids.
So she goes, "You know
how I'm pansexual?"
And I go, "No."
And she goes, "Well,
I thought I told you."
'Cause she tells me
every fucking thing.
Sometimes my husband comes home
and I'm just spread
out on the floor.
He goes, "She told
you everything."
I go, "Why can't she
just go have a cigarette
"in the backyard
behind our backs?
"You know, work shit out."
But, "Yabba-yabba-yabba-dee."
So she goes, "Let's start
at the beginning, mom.
"You and daddy are cis-gender."
And I said, "Oh, I
don't think I'm that."
And she goes, "No, mommy, you
guys are cis-gender, okay?
"Jonathan is transgender.
"Which means that
she was born as a man
"but she's a woman inside
"and now she's getting
corrective surgery."
Okay, and she goes,
"And I'm pansexual."
And I said, "What
does that mean?"
She goes, "I like everybody.
"I like everybody.
"You know, it could be a
heterosexual, homosexual,
"gender fluid, a transgender
person, I love everybody."
And I thought about it.
I went, "Well, that's good
because she's not picky.
"And the other two probably
will never settle down."
(audience laughs)
So she started telling
me about pansexual.
And she was explaining
everything to me, you know?
And she got to
asexual and I said,
"What is A?"
"Have you heard of asexual?"
I said, "What is asexual?"
And she goes, "Oh mom,
"those are people that
don't want sex at all."
And I said, "Oh my
God, that's me."
(audience laughs)
And she said, "No, mommy,
you're just tired."
(audience laughs)
Thank you very much San Antonio.
(audience cheers)
- Yeah, now she was funny.
- Okay, before we
bring up our next act,
I need you to take
a Chingona quiz.
- Chingona quiz, okay.
- Okay?
All right, Chingona, yes or no?
- Definitely.
- Correct.
All right, next.
- Oh, en el nombre del Padre,
del Hijo y del Espritu.
Of course she was.
- Next.
- Ay, no!
- Okay, okay, I promise, you're
gonna love this next one.
- Hello ladies and
gentlemen, how are you?
My name is Carmen Carrera
and I am a transgender woman.
(audience applauds)
The best and worst
part of being trans
is that when I tell
people that I'm trans,
no one believes me.
(audience laughs)
And then just to like mess with
them I say, "Yeah, what up?"
(audience laughs)
Like in my most manly voice.
Just to mess with their
head a little bit.
It freaks them out
every time, every time.
I mean, a lot of people
also ask me like,
"How difficult was it, you know,
"to transition
from man to woman."
I mean, actually, yeah, I mean,
the surgery took time, you know?
But the most painful part
came after the surgery.
I mean, no, it wasn't the
stitches, it wasn't the gauze,
it was the pay cut.
(audience laughs)
So before my surgery, I
was working as a model
and I got this gig one time
and they wanted to pay the
male model more than me
for doing the same exact job.
And I said, "Wait a second,
let me get this straight.
"Okay, if your
standard is to get paid
"on the basis of having a penis,
"I've got one too.
"And I know for a fact
that mine is bigger."
(audience laughs)
I'm Puerto Rican.
(audience cheers)
So I should get
double the standard.
You know what I'm saying?
(audience laughs)
And then my next
question to my agent was,
"So what's the exchange rate
from inches to dollars?"
(audience laughs)
Imagine going through the
transition, it's complicated.
You've got the body of a woman,
but you have the ego of a man.
It's like being Cardi B.
(audience laughs)
It's, only when I
say, "Suck my dick."
I literally mean it.
(audience laughs)
And only I have that power.
(audience laughs)
Having a penis helps.
It's convenient, it's quicker.
The only awkwardness comes
from when the potty police,
you know, around the corner
and they notice that my feet
are going the
opposite direction.
(audience laughs)
And then when I come
out, the lady says,
"Gosh, you're quick."
"Yeah, see, go ahead."
(audience laughs)
Most men don't realize
that I'm trans, you know?
So when I tell them,
I always tell them.
And when I do tell them,
they have to go through
what I like to call the three
stages of contemplation.
The first stage, denial.
Denial, denial, denial,
it's the first stage.
First they deny
that I'm a woman.
And then they deny
that they're straight.
They got to think about it.
"Does this make me gay?
(audience laughs)
"What are my friends gonna say?
"What's my mom gonna say?"
And then they do their research.
But not like women.
No, they don't read books.
They go to Porn Hub.
(audience laughs)
They've got to make sure
that they can see
themselves in the scenario.
(audience laughs)
They're like, "All
right, I can do this.
"I don't know, oh,
this one's okay.
"Oh, maybe she can work, okay.
"If she just turns around."
(audience laughs)
And then finally,
And I get a lot of acceptance.
(audience laughs)
Five stars, baby.
Every time, every time.
(audience applauds and cheers)
Thank you so much,
ladies and gentlemen.
I hope you had a little
fun learning about me.
(audience applauds and cheers)
- These are your huevos.
These are your huevos
if you step out of
line with a Chingona.
Any questions?
Then help me welcome
our next Chingona
who actually loaned
me her whisk.
(audience cheers)
- What up?
Hell yeah, it's good to be here.
Good to be here
with grown folks.
(audience laughs)
Okay, I had to babysit my
cousin's kids recently.
That was not dope.
(audience laughs)
And you can tell right away too
what kind of kids
you're dealing with
just based on how the
parent says goodbye to them.
You ever notice that?
If they're good kids
it'll be short and sweet.
They're like, "All right,
have fun, I'll be back soon.
"Call me if you need anything."
Something like that.
This is how my cousin
said goodbye to
her twin seven year old girls.
She got all serious.
She called them upstairs.
She's like, "Sit down.
(audience laughs)
"This is your Ta Xazmin
"and you're gonna respect her.
"And if you don't,
"she's gonna beat
the shit out of you."
(audience laughs)
I'm standing in the corner.
I'm like, "Um, I am?"
(audience laughs)
15 minutes later I was
like, "Oh, I definitely am.
(audience laughs)
"I definitely am."
Worst kids ever.
They were so bad.
They had me thinking about
shit like population control.
(audience laughs)
I'm serious.
I had them for one
night, one night only.
I never laid a hand on them,
but I kept threatening to.
Whole night I was like, "Hey,
remember what your mom said?
"I will spank that ass,
"both of them."
"No, you won't."
(audience laughs)
Have you ever had a child
make you feel like a pussy
(audience laughs)
for not abusing them?
(audience laughs)
I was driving home,
feeling bad about myself
for not being a child abuser.
(audience laughs)
Still thinking
about those bitches.
I should have done like a
two for flinching, you know?
(audience laughs)
And it's no wonder
they're like that.
Everyone in my
family's little rough
around the edges, you know?
I found this old picture of me
and my girl cousins recently.
We went to go visit my
grandma at her nursing home.
We're all standing
around her bed like this.
(audience laughs)
Looking like straight up cholas.
At her nursing home.
She's on her final days, okay?
We're standing around her
like she's a low rider.
(audience laughs)
Like we're going to put
hydraulics on her bed,
paint a naked lady on
the blanket, hook it up.
We had the whole chola look too.
You know that hair,
that long crunchy hair.
It looks like a
long ass Jerry curl.
Tons of eyeliner.
On our lips.
(audience laughs)
That look, you know the
look I'm talking about.
All of us just
standing around her.
My grandma's just like this.
(audience laughs)
It looks like we just
jumped her into our gang.
(audience laughs)
Like, "rale!"
"Abuelita's gonna go
out like a gangster."
She did too, she did.
We put hydraulics on the coffin.
No, I'm just fucking with you.
(audience laughs)
Oh shit.
I've lived in New
York for two years.
One year was long
enough for me to see
the entire neighborhood
get gentrified.
For real, everyone
says gentrification
starts with a Starbucks,
that's some bullshit,
not in my neighborhood.
In my neighborhood the first
sign of gentrification was just
all the dogs started
walking around with humans.
(audience laughs)
Right, I was like, "Oh,
we're getting bougie.
"We're getting fancy."
The rest of neighborhood
is still very brown,
still very Latino.
You know, there's all
these fashion boutiques
that are geared
toward Latino women.
The main differentiator
between these boutiques
and the shit you get
to see at the mall,
the mannequins.
These aren't the mannequins
you're gonna see
at Macy's, okay?
These are like side
piece mannequins.
I'm serious, they have
titties, they have ass.
It's jarring at first, no shit.
Last summer I saw
grown Latino men
cat calling the mannequins.
(audience laughs)
I was like, "What
are you doing, bro?"
Like, "Ay, mami, you don't
need a head with all that ass.
(audience laughs)
I was blasting hip hop music.
I love hip hop, man.
I've been listening
to it since the '80s.
I'm getting sick of people
calling rappers brave though,
for talking about depression.
I think it's cool
and shit, you know?
But as a woman, I need
something deeper than that.
I'll consider a rapper brave
when I hear one talk about
how much he loves a flat ass.
(audience laughs)
That shit would be heroic.
(audience laughs)
That shit would change the game.
It's our time, ladies.
I want this to happen so bad.
Let's do this.
Let's sexualize
the pancake emoji.
(audience laughs)
Do you know how bad
I want to take one
of those over the
shoulder selfies
and just flapjacks,
flapjacks, flapjacks.
(audience laughs)
So jealous.
I want a guy to look at
my ass and just be like,
"Goddamn girl, you are
serving breakfast all day.
(audience laughs)
"All day."
I'm so jealous of
those Instagram girls.
You know the girls
I'm talking about?
Some of you are
here tonight, huh?
They always have one move,
one move, this is them.
You guys are so glad
I turned around, huh?
(audience laughs)
This whole time you're like,
"How flat are we talking here?"
(audience laughs)
This is their one move.
(audience laughs)
They always look so sad.
(audience laughs)
And lonely.
(audience laughs)
And cold.
(audience laughs)
They're always like, "My
whole family abandoned me.
(audience laughs)
"And all they left,
"is this big fat ass."
(audience laughs)
Everyone in the
comments is like,
"She must be starving,
give her some eggplant.
(audience laughs)
"Give her some peaches.
"Splashes of water, that's
what she needs right now."
I'm so jealous of those bitches.
Do you know how bad I want to
take one of those pictures?
I want to be like,
(audience laughs)
"My whole family abandoned me.
(audience laughs)
"And they took my ass."
(audience laughs)
No one would give a shit.
They'd be like, "Oh yeah,
trust the process, girl.
"It'll get better."
How has this not happened yet?
How has a rapper not
come out of the closet
as liking flat asses?
So since the 1980s, they've
all had the exact same type?
Isn't there a rapper
out there who wants to
see the entire thong?
(audience laughs)
Aren't you curious?
That's what you're into, a
woman who hides things from you?
(audience laughs)
This ass will show you
the whole story, baby.
Thank you, you guys
have been great.
(audience applauds and cheers)
- Put your hands together
for Jill-Michelle Melean.
- All right, all right, yeah.
- Yeah!
(audience applauds and cheers)
- How are you guys
doing tonight?
Give it up for all the comics
that you've already seen.
Let them hear them,
let me hear it, yes.
It's beautiful to look out and
see all these Latinx people,
make some noise, Latinx,
where are you guys?
All these Latin.
(audience cheers)
Finally we have a term that
we can all relate to
each other, right?
That we come in all different
shades, finally, right?
I've been calling myself a
white Latina for so many years.
And people were
like, "What is that?
"I don't understand,
what is that?"
I'm like, "Hoops and an
accent, toda Latina."
No hoops, no accent,
"Hi, I'm a white girl,
"hey, how's it going, hi."
(audience laughs)
I am originally from Miami.
Like she said, Miami.
Anybody been to Miami?
(audience applauds and cheers)
I love Miami.
Oh my gosh, see,
here's the thing.
In Miami everybody
talks like this.
I mean even the whitest, whitest
person will walk up to you
be like, "Hola cmo ests?"
(audience laughs)
Their cowboy hat turned
into a sombrero, "Ol."
Like what is that?
You know, so I didn't
know I was even Latin
because I grew up
with that culture
and everyone there
is just Latin.
So when I moved to Los
Angeles and they were like,
"What are you?"
And I was like,
"American, I don't know.
"What are you talking about?"
And it wasn't until I dated
my first real white guy,
like real white.
Like Ohio white.
(audience laughs)
That's when I
realized I was Latin
because after we had our
first passionate fight
I did what I always do.
I grabbed all his stuff
and I threw it outside.
I was like, "Get
out, I hate you!"
And he picked them
up and he left.
(audience laughs)
That means I like you.
Right Latinas?
And if we try to run
you over with a car
that means we're
in love with you.
(audience laughs)
That's when I knew
I was Latin, okay.
I do love the Latin accent.
I think it is
absolutely awesome.
I love men when they speak
with the Latin accent.
You guys sound like
Matadors, you're like,
"Hola, how are you?
(audience laughs)
Like women I think are very sexy
when they have the Latin accent.
Don't you?
So sexy.
I teach my white
friends the accent.
I call them bait.
I throw them out of the bar
and see what they bring back.
(audience laughs)
There's nothing better than
some like real white girl going,
"I am so thirsty."
All the guys, "Get her a drink,
she's exotic, oh my God."
(audience laughs)
If you still don't
believe me, do this,
go home and dial 611
on your cell phones
or call your local
cable company.
And at first the white girl
will come on and she sounds
like a cheerleader.
She's like, "For
English, press one!
"Or just remain on
the line, go team!"
And then will come
the Latin girl.
"Para espaol, marque dos."
(audience laughs)
Even white guys are like,
"I don't speak Spanish,
but I'm pushing two."
(audience laughs)
I have to say, true story,
I have to share
this with you guys,
because I know I look
like a white girl.
I get it, it's fine.
And that's why I love
this Latinx movement.
I actually went on an
audition in Los Angeles.
That's where I live.
And in this casting
directors told me, she goes,
"I'm sorry, I just have
to ask you a question."
And I was like, "What?"
And she goes, "Are
you sure you're Latin?
"I don't know."
And so I made a joke because
I thought it was ridiculous.
I was just like, "Oh my
gosh, what should I do?
"Should I channel my
inner Sofia Vergara?
"Would you like that
if I talk like this?
"Is it better?
(audience laughs)
"Yeah, does it sound more
Latin if I'm like that?
"Put the lime on my coconuts."
(audience laughs)
And she was like, "Yes, do
that, do that, I like that."
(audience laughs)
It's weird, I'm definitely not
what they call the stereotype.
You know, they usually say like
if you breathe on a
Latina, we get pregnant.
No, I think these eggs are
hard boiled, thank you.
(audience laughs)
Yes, I don't have kids.
I have a niece and nephew.
Anybody have nieces
and nephews, yeah?
(audience cheers)
Who I love and adore.
And I think they are
so amazing in pictures.
(audience laughs)
Oh my God, those kids.
You parents, you're the
true life superheroes.
You really are.
Like, I don't, when they were
babies, that was awesome.
They were so cute.
They're like, "Gaga gaga."
And you just record
them all the time.
You're like, "Oh my God."
And then they got a little older
and they got into the why stage,
where everything was,
"Why, why, why, why, why?"
They sounded like those
seagulls from Finding Nemo.
Like, "Why, why, why,
why, why, why, why?"
Oh my God, do you guys realize?
I mean, it was making me crazy.
And I realized the
CIA does not need
to waterboard terrorists.
They just need to
stick a terrorist
in a room full of
kids asking why.
They will get all the
information they need.
The terrorist, "I'm
not going to talk.
"I'm not going to tell
you where the bombs are."
Send in the kids, right?
"Why, why, why, why, why,
why, why, why, why, why,
"why, why, why, why, why?"
"What is this American
torture, what is this?
"I'll tell you
where the bombs are,
"just shut them the fuck up!"
(audience laughs)
It will work, it will work.
(audience laughs)
To be completely
transparent with you guys,
the reason why I
don't have children is
because I was traumatized.
I actually watched my sister
give birth to my niece.
I watched the ...
Oh my God.
I just like, oh.
Oh, I have trouble
taking a shit, oh my God.
(audience laughs)
And then I thought it
was over after that.
Oh my, no, men.
Okay, the breastfeeding,
all right?
Guys, we like it when you ...
Just even it out,
that's all, just ...
But babies aren't
on there like ...
Babies are on there like ...
(Jill-Michelle gnarls)
(audience laughs)
It's like a pirate
eating a raw fish.
Like, "Aargh!"
My sister's poor
nipples are like this.
Like, "Oh my God."
(audience laughs)
All the cats in the neighborhood
are coming by for milk.
Like, "Waa, waa, waa,
waa, waa, waa, waa, waa."
You guys enjoy the
rest of the show.
Thank you so much.
(audience applauds and cheers)
- Ah, she's so good.
- Yeah, awesome.
They were all great.
- I know.
- You know what?
Look that way, Mija.
- Why?
- Because, I can't tell you,
but look that way right now.
All right, I would
be absolutely honored
if I could put any
one of these women,
they were so funny, on my chest
next to my personal Chingona.
U qu Chingona, esas pinches
envidiosas qu mamonas
(audience applauds and cheers)
- My name is Crist.
It's spelled like
Christ without the H.
I don't know if my
parents were illiterate
or they just knew I
was gonna be a lesbian
so I didn't deserve
the whole ...
(audience laughs)
I get hit on a lot.
Always by men, never women.
I went to the carwash, little
Chalupa, dangling my keys.
"Prius, quin tiene la Prius?"
That would be me.
The lesbian.
I get in my car and
he magically appears.
Starts vacuuming
in between my legs.
(audience laughs)
Looking up and down at me.
I'm like, "I don't got a
skirt on, motherfucker."
(audience laughs)
He starts asking me questions.
"Tienes novio?
Esposo? Caballero?"
(audience laughs)
"No, I do not have a boyfriend,
a husband or a horse."
(audience laughs)
I get it, you guys.
I get it, San Antonio.
You're confused, I'm confused.
(audience laughs)
I hit on women all the time
and some of them are men.
(audience laughs)
I think where the
confusion comes in is we
keep adding so many
letters to our core group.
You have L G B T Q C.
Lesbian, gay, bisexual,
transgender, Q, questionable,
C, curious.
(audience laughs)
You add another B for,
"Bitch, I might be."
(audience laughs)
G, gay for the lay.
I love the head, but I
don't want to give it.
(audience laughs)
You know what I'm talking
about, pillow princesses.
(audience laughs)
"It's your turn, and I'm
not like that no more."
(audience laughs)
You know, I always knew I'd
be good at being a lesbian,
because the obvious,
I love to eat.
(audience laughs)
Straight guys, you
got it so hard.
You get caught cheating
so easily, you know?
You get caught on Tinder.
Some of you Grindr, you know?
You have children
from other women
or you send dick pics, you know?
"No, pues no es mo."
Like she don't know, right?
Lesbians, we don't do that.
We don't send tongue pics.
(audience laughs)
You know?
Or finger pics.
(audience laughs)
"Send me a picture
of that thumb."
(audience laughs)
"What the thumb do though?
"Let me see that
girth, let me see it."
(audience laughs)
We don't do that.
You know, my wife, she comes
home early from work every day.
Just kicks down the door,
starts looking and looking,
trying to catch me cheating.
One day she finds a nail filer.
She's like, "Uh-uh, Crist,
not today, not today.
"Whose nail filer is
this, whose is this?"
Like, "Babe, babe, babe,
that's my nail filer.
"You should be thanking me."
(audience laughs)
I'm just kidding, you guys,
my wife has never
worked, like ever.
(audience laughs)
Before she met me, she
said she had two jobs.
Maury said that was a lie.
(audience laughs)
So I'm Baptist.
You could say I kind of
practice it Catholic,
'cause I don't go that much.
But for some reason we
cannot afford to keep
the lights on for the
English and the Spanish
so we merged the two together.
And I catch myself saying
hallelujah and amen
all at the wrong time.
The pastor says,
"Hermanos, hermanas.
"When I was young,
mi Pap used to drink
"all his problems away, Father."
I'm like, "Yes,
Father, amen, Father."
He looks up at me, I'm
like, "I guess not, Father."
(audience laughs)
So we're going to get
into two Hennessys.
I'm like, "All day, all day."
(audience laughs)
"Chapter four,
Hennessy chapter ... "
Genesis in Spanish, Genesis.
(audience laughs)
I'm like, "You're
good, you're good."
So women, you're savages.
You don't care
about our feelings.
You know, I hit on
women all the time.
They're like, "Crist,
you're so cute,
"but I just don't
date pansonas."
(audience laughs)
Or, "Crist, you know,
ya ests muy viejita."
I'm like, "All right."
Or my favorite, "Crist,
you're such a catch.
"I just don't like the
fact that you're married."
(audience laughs)
I get it, I get it.
You know?
So my dad is going
through something.
I don't know if it's
a midlife crisis.
Most men go through
midlife crisis.
You know, they start
dating younger women,
drive convertibles, or they
start wearing skinny jeans
from Aeropostale.
(audience laughs)
Not my dad, this fool got bangs.
(audience laughs)
Like flow-in-your-forehead
He says, "Crist, where'd
you get that blouse?"
I'm like, "This jersey, dad?
"Pro Shop."
Like, "Hey, Crist, where'd
you get those kicks?"
I'm like, "These Jays, dad?
"Finish Line."
So I asked my mom, I'm like,
"Has dad started dressing
like a little gay boy?
(audience laughs)
"Or am I starting to
dress like an old man?"
(audience laughs)
She said, "I don't
know, Mija, either way,
"you both look cute."
(audience laughs)
I'm like, "Okay,
mom, thank you, mom."
So, you know, we've
come a long way.
And when I say we, I
mean like everybody,
America, the world.
People used to not like me.
One of those people
was my grandma.
Grandma, rest in peace.
She didn't like
me being lesbian.
She used to say, "Mija,
prefiero que seas puta...
(audience laughs)
...que seas lesbiana."
(audience laughs)
If there's some white
people, let me let you laugh.
"Little girl, I'd prefer you
be a whore than a lesbian."
(audience laughs)
I'm like "Grandma,
I got news for you."
"I'm both."
(audience laughs)
Thanks, my name's Crist Guzman.
(audience applauds and cheers)
Enjoy the rest of your night.
- Okay, now this lady is
very, very, very funny,
from the start,
Mariannette LaPuppet.
(both laugh)
- Hola San Antonio.
(audience applauds and cheers)
hoy ace fro all afuera.
It's cold, it is
cold and I'm out here
slinging jokes to pay
for my kids' colleges.
You know what I'm talking about.
You know, I got to do it
before they changed their
minds and never leave home.
(audience laughs)
I gotta get them out.
It turns out they
actually kicked me out.
The kicker there was that
they still expect me
to pay for college.
Mira qu cojones, coo.
(audience laughs)
I got two kids, I do,
I've got two kids by
three different men.
(audience laughs)
You guys saw, I was
Spanish from the door.
Like I don't even
have to explain that.
(audience laughs)
I do, I've got, and I
never really wanted kids,
seriously, especially
the ones I got.
(audience laughs)
But I was always so fertile.
Like I could just point to a guy
and he was paying
me child support.
(audience laughs)
Sorry, sir.
(audience laughs)
I swear to God, I
wouldn't even, you know,
like some people
will walk around,
some ladies will walk around
with a little bit
of contraception.
Mm-mm, not me.
When the guy asked me
how I'm protecting myself
I sound like one of
those like street vendors
selling watches
out of an overcoat.
Yeah, I'm like,
"What do you need?
"I got foams, films,
creams, jellies,
"female condoms, male
condoms, lubricants,
"store plans, double
shots, sponge, IUDs,
"where are you going?
(audience laughs)
"I just put on a
fresh patch, come on."
(audience laughs)
Me cogen.
And you know what I thought?
I'm so fertile, after I
had two kids, I was like,
"Yo no quiero ms nada."
I had two kids and
I said, "That's it."
But I was so fertile I
figured they were offering
$5,000 per egg.
After I was like, "A dozen
should pay for college, right?"
At least, I thought,
"You know what?
"As a matter of fact,
just line them up.
"I'll pop them out
at people like Oprah,
"you get an egg, you get
an egg, you get an egg.
(audience laughs)
"Give me my money,
give me my money."
(audience laughs)
And as a matter of fact,
I found out actually
that the best birth control
are the kids you already have,
to be honest with you.
That's the best birth control.
Because the more kids you
have, the more things you lose.
That's what I found out.
That's what you lose, you lose.
I lost all of my patience.
I used to be really patient
when I first had them.
When I first, "Oh
mami, eso es so cute,
"Ay s que chula."
Yeah, then they just keep going.
Like, "Mom, what's the
circumference of the earth?
"Mom, why do people
get gray hair?
"Mom, who's our real father?"
I'm like, "I don't
have these answers!
(audience laughs)
"Google it!"
(audience laughs)
I don't know who he is.
(audience laughs)
I do, I'm like, I gave birth
to my bipolar disorder.
I really did, like my, I did.
I have bipolar because I
gave birth to the, you know,
one of those guys was bipolar.
(audience laughs)
My first, my oldest, I can walk.
This is how opposite they are.
I can walk into my oldest's room
and like eat off the floor.
I walk into my
youngest and I got to,
like I was forced to call FEMA.
Ni la encontr.
You can't even see the floor.
But I do, I lost
all my patience,
like literally, like they
would ask me, my privacy.
I was butt naked in
the bathroom, right?
I was getting ready and
they both barged in on me.
They just both barged.
The little one just
pointed, she was like, "Ew!"
And ran off.
(audience laughs)
And the oldest just
stood there, mira,
shaking her head like this.
(audience laughs)
"Hey, you need to
shave your Chewbacca."
(audience laughs)
Can't even give
those things back.
(audience laughs)
Because your body changes.
You know, after you have kids,
any mama's here, at least?
(audience cheers)
The mamas here?
All right, yeah.
Your body changes.
Like I don't, I don't ever
think I was that sexy, right?
But I know my body changed.
I have one little black
dress I loved, right?
Always counted on it.
I get invited to a party,
I just pop this thing on.
I'm just worried about my hair.
I walk out the door and at
the other end of the bar
is somebody with the same dress
when I get to the club, right?
All, all estaba mira parado.
That's it, and I couldn't
even be mad at him,
'cause the dress
looked really good.
(audience laughs)
It's hard being
single in Fort Misery.
I'm from Fort Misery,
I'm from Florida.
Out there, there's like no,
there are no single men.
Out there there's 20
women to each individual.
By the way, legal
individuals, single guy.
That's what I have
to fight against.
It gets so bad, it got so bad
that I saw a lady putting
bacon in her purse.
(audience laughs)
Bacon, I was like,
"Qu t haces?"
She was like, "No
man says no to bacon.
(audience laughs)
"Especially the young ones,
they're always hungry."
(audience laughs)
I was like, "Grandma,
"that's a good idea."
(audience laughs)
It's hard to date.
And then my mom, my
mom lives with me.
Oh, that's wonderful.
She loves when I
date, you know what?
She loves it, to the point where
the last date I had, she,
as I was like walking out.
My mom just loves to
throw out comments.
And so I was going out
on a date and she goes,
"You know, when you date,
"you must turn in to
the Statue of Liberty,
"because you only attract
the hungry and the poor."
(audience laughs)
And I just kept ignoring her.
She kept talking
and she was like,
"There's always somebody
crawling up inside your dress,
"but they never want to pay
for those little souvenirs."
(audience laughs)
That's what she
calls my kids.
(audience laughs)
In case you guys are
wondering I'm Dominirican,
by the way, that's what this
attitude is about, right?
I got two of the
biggest Latina attitudes
and none of the assets.
That's all I'm saying.
And that's why I wear a dress.
I got cheated, I was in line
along with everybody else
when God was handing
out rear ends.
But I got stuck
behind Jennifer Lopez.
(audience laughs)
And she took the last two.
(audience laughs)
Pero mira God's
always good to me.
He's always good to me.
I walked by the hall.
He was like, "Psst, hey,
I got a little leftover.
"See what you can do with it."
So this is where I put it.
(audience laughs and applauds)
Listen, I thought it was
a good idea too at first
till they started
calling her J-Lo
and they started calling me BJ.
(audience laughs)
And if you're not laughing,
it's 'cause you're
not getting any.
(audience laughs)
My name's LaPuppet, thank you!
(audience applauds and cheers)
- Please welcome our
homegirl from Peru,
Luz Pazos.
- Luz Pazos.
- Woo hoo!
(audience applauds and cheers)
- Thank you, guys.
I'm Luz Pazos.
I'm from Peru, my
family is still in Peru.
My mom doesn't understand
what I'm doing here.
Every time a relative
asks about me she's like,
"Luz, she's still in America
trying to become a clown."
(audience laughs)
She's so mean, huh?
She's been mean
since I was little.
Makes me wish I had a white mom.
Yeah, like you, okay?
You look like you
make pie and shit
You know, I love that.
(audience laughs)
White moms are awesome.
They're always
spoiling their kids.
They say things like,
"Oh, what would you like
to do today, Trevor?"
(audience laughs)
Like the other day, some kid
acting out towards his mom.
She didn't really get mad.
All she did was
call her kid mister.
(audience laughs)
"Look, mister."
(audience laughs)
"It looks like someone
doesn't want a cookie."
(audience laughs)
Is that it, huh?
When my mom was mad,
she was, "Oye Luz,
"Oye, oye mierda ya te he
dicho que te calles la boca.
"Me escuchaste
mocosa del demonio?"
"Callate la boca carajo,
mierda que te la rompo!"
(audience laughs)
Which means mister.
(audience laughs)
I recently found out
that the life expectancy
in America is
longer than in Peru.
So there's no way I'm
moving my mother here.
(audience laughs)
Payback, bitch.
(audience laughs)
Just kidding, just kidding.
I just don't think Americans
like immigrants, right?
That's true.
Okay, you got quiet, I know.
(audience laughs)
Americans say that immigrants
come here to steal their jobs.
Let me tell you, let me
be very honest with you.
I didn't come here to
steal anyone's job.
I came here to steal
men with jobs, okay?
(audience laughs and applauds)
Woo, yeah, huh?
That's what I moved to
this bitch for, okay?
(audience laughs)
I didn't move all the way here
so I could end up paying my
own bills, that's crazy.
(audience laughs)
I'm not a white girl,
I don't want to work.
(audience laughs)
Listen, but dating in
America is way different
than I thought.
Like, guys, I live
in Los Angeles.
Do you know what passes
as a date in Los Angeles?
Going on a hike.
(audience laughs)
Yeah, that's a date in America.
Men take you to exercise
on a date, crazy, okay?
(audience laughs)
That's why I love Texas.
Mexicans here, you
know, you guys look like
you've never been on a hike.
(audience laughs and applauds)
Look at this guy.
The most you walk is
to the refrigerator.
(audience laughs)
"Ooh, going to
get some brisket."
Listen, this white
guy came to me.
He was, "Hey, Luz, have
you ever been on a hike?"
(audience laughs)
And I was like,
"Oh yes, every day in
my country to get water.
(audience laughs)
"Cheap bastard, okay?
(audience laughs)
"Get your shit together, dude.
"Take me to the mall, huh?"
That's where I wanna go.
The American mall, that
place is awesome, huh?
Has automatic doors,
air conditioning.
I walk in, I'm like, "Oh yeah.
"I smell progress here.
(audience laughs)
"You shut up and get
me a Wetzel's pretzel."
(audience laughs)
I noticed that American women
love to meet men at bars.
And I don't want to judge you
girls, but that's wrong, okay?
You won't find a
boyfriend in a bar.
Everything at bars is
about casual sex, huh?
Starting with the name of
the drinks, Sexual Healing,
Orgasm, Sex on the Beach.
(audience laughs)
Why don't they make drinks
more appealing to women?
Like Buy Me a Purse First.
(audience laughs)
Take Me to the Movies.
Pay My Rent on the rocks.
(audience laughs)
It's for him.
And men, men think it's sexy
to send boner pictures
of them to women.
You know, when
they meet your bar,
you know what I'm
talking about, right?
You sucios here,
you know, you know.
(audience laughs)
Stop doing that, guys, okay?
It's always in the middle
of the night these creeps.
Three AM, my phone vibrates,
it's like, "What is this?
"is this a pinky?"
(audience laughs)
Maybe that black guy there,
you can keep doing that shit.
(audience laughs)
Everybody else, stop.
It doesn't turn women on.
(audience laughs)
Do you know what kind of
picture turns women on?
Let me tell you, okay?
A picture of a man
sitting like this
in front of his desk, you know,
a man sitting in front of
his desk like, you know,
like working.
(audience laughs)
That's hot, okay?
That turns me on like, "Oh
yeah, baby, get the promotion."
(audience laughs)
"Hmm, yeah, give me that
bonus, give it to me."
Okay, guys, it's my time I'm
Luz Pazos, thank you very much.
(audience applauds and cheers)
- Now that's a show!
- I know! What'd you think?
- Man, that was so good
I even decided to do
a new product line
for the Trejo's Donut Shop.
I'm gonna call it La Chingonut.
- To, you're a genius.
- Yeah, you know what?
And I can do Shakespeare too.
- Wow.
- My donuts are so good,
I don't know whether to eat them
or just rub them all over me.
- They're good.
- Mm.
- Mm.
So good.
Boss moves real
smooth like a classic
Mad 'cause they
don't have it
Ponle crema a tus
tacos, ponte las pilas
Is my number one motto
Kicking it back con
cerveza y Clamato
Homies always running late
Girl where you at though
Paisas wanna hate 'cause
they know I'm a Chicana
- You know what's good
about Trejo Donuts?
I can eat all of them.
- Do you sneak in there at 3am?
- That's when they start
baking them, they're fresh.
Qu Chingona. Esas pinches
envidiosas qu mamonas
They're not even on my level
Sorry for you