Comedy, The (2012) Movie Script
When we're out in the moonlight
lookin' up on skies above
feels so good
when I'm near you
holding hands
and making love
whoo, whoo, baby
yes, oh, baby
yes, oh, baby
yes, oh, baby
Sandy beecher
was making love
as it travels in our lives
feels so good
walkin' side by side
want to be with you
all my life
whoa, oh, baby
yes, oh, baby
yes, oh, baby
Whoo!
No bedsores?
Clear.
No pulse?
Clear.
Why do you keep having
to push them buttons?
Sometimes things
need to be reset.
Did you ever have to
reset a prolapsed anus?
Do you even... Do you
know what that is?
Have you ever... Have
you ever had to deal
with a prolapsed an... anus?
Chief?
Did they teach you
that in nurse school?
You and the ladies
get that lesson?
I'll tell you what. I'll give
you a little lesson on it.
A prolapsed anus is when the
anus, which is a muscle, gives
out, after years of abuse.
Comes out of the rear and hangs
like a, like a slack bag of tissue.
Like a purse that you might have...
A nurse would have.
Can you imagine what it would
take to make your anus do that?
A lot of butt fucking.
The old man's probably got
a prolapsed amus... anus.
Anus and Andy.
Nothing?
Famous anus cookies.
Anything there?
So you change my dad?
You put diapers on him and
clean his asshole, and take...
Put his shit in a bag, throw it
out, put it down the toilet?
Pretty cool.
Pretty cool way to live.
I wonder if my dad's shit
has ever gotten under your
fingernails, and then you
forgot, and you are driving
home, worrying about... worrying
about your life, and you start
biting your fingernails, and
his shit gets in your mouth.
You got to be careful.
Make sure you wash them hands.
Okay.
Adios.
Yeah.
What's up?
I know, but we can bring
something else in, right?
Do we need something with
evergreens that's gonna last...
I just want you to look
at this bush here because
it's looking really...
It's pretty bad.
Yeah, I don't know if
there's a bug on it.
Look at the leaves on there.
And it's all been chewed,
and it's unbalanced.
It doesn't fit.
Yeah, and it's blocking
this thing here.
Most of when you get the flies, they...
the cuts are much more round.
That could be the larvae
going through it.
But I remember a grapevine...
It's comin' along, huh?
Yeah, yeah, looks great.
Getting there.
Good job.
Hey, what are these?
These are looking very weedy.
Those are out of here, right?
I love the black-eyed Susan.
Nadar LA piscina, I guess.
Nadar LA piscina.
Yeah, yeah, sure. It's my guys
here don't speak any English.
They keep saying, "nadar LA
piscina, nadar LA piscina!
Swim in your pool."
So they're always going
to me "nadar LA piscina?"
That's great. "Can we
swim in their pool?"
I go, "well, you know,
it's private property.
Yeah, it's gotten hot
out here for sure.
This is looking a little
troubled over here.
This one's shading it so badly.
Let's get more light under it.
What do you say if me and my
guys took a quick little dip?
What do you think?
They want to swim.
Why not?
I suppose.
Yeah, yeah, sure.
Sure.
Once they've finished here.
They're gonna mow before
they go, as well, right?
We can get you some towels. The
housekeeper will get you some towels.
No, that's fine.
Yeah.
I had a great day.
I went to the shopping mall.
I feel so good about hanging out
with my best friends today.
Who are your best friends?
All my loved ones
are in this room.
I want to thank everybody for
being so kind and considerate.
How about a round of applause
just for the five of us?
I respect my friends that come to
my house that has an artistic vibe.
Obviously, the host of
this house cares about
art and the visual space
and the energy within, and
he respects all his friends that
he invites over here equally.
I love when I go to my
friend's house and their
bathroom's really, really clean.
There's not pubic hair on
the rim of the toilet seat.
I'm with you on that.
Yeah.
Oh, and speaking of bathrooms,
I wanted to confess something.
I used... you have a box of always feminine
wipes in there, and I used a couple.
Just... my clitoris
was really messy.
So I had to wash up.
You have these terrific comedic
instincts, and then you
immediately sabotage them
with the worst follow-up.
The worst?
A terrible sense of humor.
So you know all comedians
ever, so you are qualified to
say what is the absolute worst.
You've heard all comedians ever.
No, it's in my opinion.
Well, then you can't use an
absolute term like "the worst."
I can do whatever I want.
Then give me a French kiss.
Well, fine, who disagrees?
Does he have a terrible
sense of humor?
Does he?
Absolutely.
The cool thing about a group of
friends is that you got
the smart one, the
cool one, the musical
one, and the funny guy.
And that just makes it, like,
a well-rounded cool group,
you know, to hang out
with at my house.
We're like the... The avengers.
God, you were supposed
to say something funny.
That was your cue to,
like, boom, good joke.
I want to take this moment to
just acknowledge how strong
of a bond and what a great sense
of community I feel
amongst everybody here.
I mean, I really appreciate all
the support, and I appreciate,
you know, the friendship
honestly, so God bless ya.
Let me say it, I never... I
never had a family, okay?
Because my parents, as you guys
know, died really early on.
I was raised in foster homes.
This is my family.
Here's to my family.
You are so special.
You are so special to us.
You are so important to my life.
I need you.
I don't say that to... I
don't say that to anybody.
I mean, I would say it.
I'd say it to all four of you.
Three syllables, I need you.
Hey, let's put 'em up here.
I'm not fucking toasting him.
To the four of us here.
Thank you, cheers. Bottoms up.
Bottoms up, everybody.
If you believe in me
how I try
she goes back and forth
with you
up and down
up and
get some feeling now
Anyway, I was thinking, like,
how in terms of socialism,
well, 'cause, you know, there's
this whole thing with like,
a socialist state, you
know, situation."
And honestly people don't
really even understand that
there's many versions of that.
Well... I-I think
there's a third way.
Is this the middle finger
that's about to emerge?
Well, I think people gave
up too early on feudalism.
Oh.
Yeah.
You know, you know, there's
this theory that there's, like,
a large percentage of the population
of human beings on the planet
that don't have, like,
conscious thought.
Oh, you mean like a unique...
unique thought.
Like, yeah, they're just drones.
They just go to the river, you
know, you look... like Bangladesh
or something, and they just,
like, go to the river and have
their week's worth of laundry
on their head... or a basket...
And they just fucking wash their
shit, and that's all they think.
It's like, "well, today I'm
gonna wash my laundry,
you know, like, why am
I here or anything."
But, I mean, the unfortunate
thing is, like, that our...
Our politics and our garbage
affects those people,
but they're not actively... So
you're saying you wish that
everybody was on that level.
No, I think that
there's some people
that deserve to be... To have their life...
Their life is better
because they deserve it.
Oh, I see.
Oh, I see.
I mean, because they're...
They're picked by God.
Ordained, sovereigned.
Yeah, yeah, the idea...
they are genetically chosen
to be on top of the
fuckin' food chain. Wow!
I'm sorry.
You're blowing my mind.
Because it's very unpopular.
Yeah, I think it's... yeah,
it's generally considered...
And it's not racism either.
That's the trick.
Oh, it's just...
It's just human.
You're just, like, doing...
There's black guys that deserve to
have it just as much as white guys.
This is like evolutionary imperative
is what you're talking about.
Kind of.
I didn't take that
class in college.
Neither did I.
Neither did I.
So I probably don't know what
I'm fucking saying anyway.
You know, I mean... You
know, Hitler had...
You didn't just
say, "Hitler had."
Hitler had... What?
Ideas.
Uh-huh.
I'm not a... you know, a Nazi
or anything, but I think
that he gets... he deserves
a little bit of credit.
Um, yeah.
You know, for... not for...
For killing any,
you know, forget... take him...
Take genocide out of the...
Murder out of the equation... Sure.
He was kind of like a, uh...
Like a... Like a male
cheerleader for his own people.
I will say he was an
incredible public speaker.
Very, very good.
He also had horrible
indigestion.
This is true.
He had... he had, like, gas.
He had gas problems.
Is that why his belt
was always so high up?
Well, if you watch... If
you watch his speeches,
he would do his... And then at the
end, people would be applauding,
and he would go... No, that's just...
It's true.
Check it out.
Look on YouTube.
Wake up.
Wake up.
If it comes to damage to an
apartment caused by shit
or piss or vomit or
blood, it's usually one
of our well-to-do tenants.
The low-income poverty level guys...
they'll spray taco grease
all over the wall...
On the ceiling.
Maybe some bacon
grease in the drains.
You know, you got
to get that out.
But for the most part, even though they...
They're idiots.
They keep it a little
tidier, you know?
Don't have that sense of
entitlement about shitting
all over our property.
Yup.
I'd like to just keep a
couple of the tenants,
throw out all the others.
Let the hobos take over.
Turn it into a hobo jungle.
I don't have to be on the
fucking phone with McClaren
about all this shit three
times, four times a day.
Don't have to waste your
time filling you in.
You let these hobos take over,
they're, again, tidy
people, tidy people.
Hobos are tidy people?
They're the cleanest...
Cleanest people you'd ever meet
because... I mean, their asses are
dirty, but their cocks are clean
as a baby's breath.
Yeah.
Hobo dicks are cleaner than... I
was reading this the other day.
Hobo dicks are cleaner
than hospital scalpels.
I mean, they're like...
They've done, you know...
They've taken hobo dicks under
microscopes and have been
unable to detect any
bacteria of any kind.
It's like 99.9% pure cock.
Everybody know... Because
their cocks are sucked
so repeatedly, it's like going...
It's like taking your
car to a car wash.
If you're a hobo, you go
down to the fucking wall
street and wait around
until about 5:01 P.M.
These stockbrokers come
out all looking for
hobo dick to suck, you
know what I mean?
Dicks are already hard.
And they Polish the... They
Polish the fucking cocks so
They get their dicks hard in the
elevator coming down knowing
that those hobos are out there
with their mouths wide open.
Wide open.
Those fucking hobos have to get
injections of semen into their
fucking scrotum so that they can
ejaculate enough to fill the
need of these stock-broke
fucks who just love
dirty, homeless semen,
and that's documented.
That's in newsweek.
You look that up.
Life is lies
one more day on the road
God settin' sail
full sail
callin' the hill
before I sail
the city in love
the bay of sky
well, it's a place
shadow go
shadow go
These are all hand cut.
Cool.
We got a bunch of them in, so
if you want to check up front.
Thank you.
Oh.
Get under it.
You get under it.
Yeah!
Two up, two out.
One, two, three.
He was gonna b.P., but he
hasn't done shit since.
I've seen what he's got up...
Right.
Nah.
What?
No, does it sound like
I'm on my fucking boat?
No, I'm in dad's pool room.
Yeah.
All right, well, you know,
come up if you want.
Well, I'll be here.
Whoa
Oh, Liza, Liza.
Them slaves be workin'
hard out here.
Dying out there in the
thousands in the sun,
just keeling over from the heat.
From the heat!
Come on now.
Ain't it good... Ain't it
right to see them die?
How hard they work
for this family.
Papa use them skin for
making nice furniture.
He tans them out
there, makes a nice...
That couch you were on in
there is all slave meat,
slave skin, as it should be.
God bless 'em.
Slave penis and vagina.
Come on, that's funny.
I know you think that's funny.
Your sense of humor ain't died.
It's a good crop of slaves
we have this year, isn't it?
Real nice, nice bunch.
I got to know 'em personally.
Some of them I know
by their first name.
Old man be dead
by now, I expect.
Ain't breathin' too good.
I expect he won't shine too...
Too kindly on our family.
He got one son out
there on a boat.
He got another boy up
there in the looney bin,
married to some whore who rubs...
Who rubs... rubs sh...
Shit on her vagina.
Some 'ho got... you the kind of
whore that... You the kind
of whore that swallows cum.
You are my only cum-swallowing
sister-in-law, and I appreciate it.
Cum swallower.
That's the proudest thing
to be in this family.
So how... So how long, uh...
How long you think they're
going to keep him up in there?
So are they weaning him off the
stuff, or how's that work?
What's the process?
Are you really asking that?
I'm curious. He's my bro.
I care about my bro.
Want to make sure
he's doing good.
You get to go up there for
any kind of conjugal visits?
You get to go... You
get to, you know...
Fuck him?
Suck him?
Do they have to keep him in
some kind of straitjacket
and, like, let you jerk him off?
I mean, what's going
on with that?
Uh, can I get a pabst?
Give me a glass or what?
Oh, Jesus.
Hey, you guys hiring here?
Looking for anybody to
help out around the bar?
I'm looking for work.
No.
No.
I could, you know, get some
different kind of people in here.
You know what I mean?
A little diversity?
Is that right?
Yeah.
I could get my buddies to come
in and spend a lot of money.
Got to think about a whole...
This whole area
is the next place where people
are going to be hanging out,
and you got to get some people
in here so they don't
feel so intimidated.
Mm.
But I love it though;
It's like a good fucking bar.
It's, like, good
energy and everything.
Good location.
Where you from?
I'm in williamsburg, you know?
So, represent.
Represent what?
What?
I'm representing
williamsburg, bro!
You got to respect where I
come from, because I respect
where you come from.
Come on.
You know where we come from?
You come from "the hood."
Right?
I know.
I'm cool.
I'm with you guys.
I'm on your side.
I'm just hanging out. I'm
just trying to explore.
I'm trying to get out
of my comfort zone,
trying to be cool and hang out
with cool guys like you dudes.
This is about respecting
this block, 'cause I get it.
I understand that you guys are...
You know, work hard or,
you know, have a lot of history.
For real, man.
I don't mean to be
disrespectful, but you guys look
like you could be tough guys.
You guys are, like, tough guys.
What a tough guy look like?
Like a black guy.
Oh, wow!
That's a stereotype now, Jack.
Hey, you can fucking...
You stereotype me.
You fucking look at me and think...
you make all sorts of
Well, what, you a
yuppie or something?
Yeah, 'cause I got
fucking money.
Because, you know, I come from...
You got money?
Yeah. Yeah?
How much money you got?
Right now, 20 bucks.
So you're shit out of luck.
You can't fucking stab me.
You can't fucking stab me!
We got some credit
cards over here, man.
Where are your fucking
bitches, though, man?
You got to fucking pay for 'em
in this part of town, right?
I want some black ass.
I want to fuck some
fucking black ass.
B-I-g.
We all hanging out
we all hanging on the block
checking out the bitches
bitch, a bitch
Now I'm trying to be honest with
you, and you all up in my grill.
Up in your grill!
Bet you listen to radio too much, huh, Jack?
Well...
We could get Tony to come in and
cut like a dog... cat door...
Pet door here and put
a sign on that says,
"techno... techno
night, $25 bucks."
Lock it up at 4:00 A.M.
Then we do the controlled
demolition, and then you sell
all the techno idiots as
scrap meat to the renderer.
I've had dishwashing
jobs in the past.
You have?
Yes.
And you show up to work on time,
and you do your job properly,
and you scrub hard and all that?
Absolutely. Mm-hmm, mm-hmm.
I have Tuesday, Wednesday,
and Saturday lunch shifts.
Okay, yeah, that would be...
That'd work for me.
And how much are you
looking to get paid?
I don't know what the rate is.
I guess, like, $10 an hour?
- $7.25.
- Okay, that's good.
That's fine.
Yeah, 10... How old are you?
I'm 35.
I'll take a little hit.
Just a touch.
Just tell me when.
You tell me when, okay? Just
pour it like a regular man.
I'm not a regular man.
I can't do it that way.
Just fuck it.
I'll just have champagne.
But speaking of American terrorists,
I was just reading this thing
about Timothy McVeigh. Apparently,
and I didn't know this,
but I was reading this, apparently,
that building had it coming.
He said, "it deserved it."
That building was a
fucking asshole.
I read that, too.
Cargill has to wait 30
seconds before he makes
any comment on any subject
or any conversation piece.
So that you have... There is
some kind of a clearance period;
A decontamination zone
for your thoughts.
Also, go... you could
also do the rules of ten.
Every tenth thought comes out.
You know what I mean?
You got a thought, you're like,
"okay, that's one, save it."
Store it. "Two."
Maybe destroy it.
Up to ten.
Comment, wait for a pause.
Yeah, let's try it out.
I think we are in the
process of trying it out.
I think you have no
concept of time.
I bet if you... Somebody
with a timer checked...
You have an hourglass
in your pocket?
What do you think ten
seconds feels like?
You tell me when ten seconds is up.
Ready?
Hold on.
I bet it's gonna
be three seconds.
Ready?
No overestimating.
That's cheating.
Ready? Go.
No, I'm not ready.
I prefer if we started again,
because I wasn't ready.
Ask me if I'm ready, and
then I'll say, "yes,"
and then you start. All
right, are you ready?
Yes.
Here we go. Start.
And the world
you've taken
there's no way
Yo!
Hey, put on some hip-hop.
I'm sorry, guys,
the radio's broke.
No music today.
No, no.
I am sorry.
Radio, and then the hip-hop.
Why don't you fuckers have
satellite radio in this cab?
You pay so much fucking
money for these cabs.
You should have the option to
listen to whatever kind
of music you want.
Hip-hop.
Hip-hop.
We make ya... Boom,
cat, cat, ca-gung, cat
boom, cat, cat, ca-gung, cat
boom, hip, hip-hip-hip-hop
give me some hip-hip-hop
give me some hip-hip-hop
give me some hip-hip-hop
I want some taxi hip-hop
some black music
black music
Hey!
I don't have... I do not have a car
radio, because I am just a boy.
You're just a wooden boy.
Maybe you know
this hip-hop song.
You'll get a no-no tip
you're gonna get a no-no tip
Shut up!
You're gonna get a no-no tip
you're gonna get
you're gonna get a no-no tip
you're gonna get a no-no tip
you're gonna get a no-no tip
you're gonna get a no-no tip
you're gonna get a no-no tip
you're gonna get
a no-no tip
you're gonna get a no-no tip
'cause you got no radio
gonna get a no-no tip
'cause you got no radio
you're gonna get a no-no tip
'cause you got to get a radio
and you got to get a radio
you got no radio
ain't got no radio
you got no radio
it's what we deserve
you got to get the satellite
so that people can listen
to what they want
you got to get the satellite
Take a magic stick.
Light it up.
Think about God. Think
about your family.
I love you, my Christ.
I love you, my Christ.
I'm gonna take somebody else's
prayer, because I don't have... Aww.
I feel like if you steal...
This counts as stealing.
It's beautiful.
Let's do it together.
Can... dude, will you
take a picture of me?
Oh, yeah. I'm a huge fan.
Ready? One, two, three.
I'm sorry, sorry, sorry...
We're almost done.
Thank you, dude.
All four points and a swirl.
I think that's just
too much scent.
Ahh
ahh, ahh
That's nice.
That's nice tone.
That's perfect tone.
Perfect volume.
You are in the demon's house.
I love that kind of music.
Nice.
This is the noisy one.
Ow.
Shh.
Come on.
Come on.
Come on.
Come on.
You can do it.
You can do it.
Yes.
Eyes to their opposites
lawyers impress
it's gonna play wrong
now sitting happily
sitting so happily
Is this your cab?
Oh, oh, no.
No, sir.
I rent it... a lease.
Uh-huh.
I bet you get a lot of
assholes in this cab, huh?
Huh?
A lot of people puke back here?
This... you keep it clean, though.
I respect that.
Yeah, because a lot of you fuckers
don't keep your cabs clean.
No res... no dis... no disrespect.
I always thought it would be
kind of fun to drive around,
you know, meeting weird people and...
I don't know.
- I'm a good driver.
- You don't look like a cab driver, sir.
Yeah, well, let's... We should change
the way people think of cab drivers.
I'll tell you what, man.
I would pay you... I would pay
you if you let me drive my...
If you let me drive myself home.
You don't trust me?
I got a driver's license.
I'm not a fucking dope.
Wh... how much, sir?
How much... what's your name?
Raj?
How much would you char...
How much... If you could
let me drive for like,
you know, 20 minutes?
How much?
I'm serious.
Raj!
$100 for 20 minutes.
$200.
Sir, you are very distracting!
I'm trying to talk to you. I'm
not going to give you my cab.
All right, listen, I'm trying
to make you... A business.
I'm trying to make a business
deal with you. I will give
you $200 right now in cash if
you let me drive your cab.
I'm serious.
I have it.
I have cash.
Raj, seriously.
Four... I don't know.
$400.
I'll give you...
I'll give you $400 right now if you
let me drive your cab for 20 minutes.
Sir, this is not... This is not
a playground... I'm serious!
This is how I make a living.
This is my life!
I respect that.
I cannot let you... Raj, I re...
hey, raj.
This is just two gents having
a ride, talking about money,
talking about business
opportunities.
Do... do you want to make $400 right
now and let me drive your cab?
I'm being serious.
I'm being honest.
That's right.
Here, here.
You are not gonna regret it.
Thank you, man.
Appreciate it.
It's gonna be fine.
No, I need... can you... You
need to sit in the back.
Is it cool if you do the back?
It's like the whole experience.
You know what I mean?
No, no.
Come on, 20 minutes.
You know, for 400 bucks.
I just want to do
the whole thing.
I want to do the whole experience.
You know what I mean?
Come on, man, for 400 bucks?
Trust me, I'm a friend.
Thank you.
Thank... thank you very much, sir.
I respect you.
Careful, okay?
Careful.
Yeah, yeah.
This feels pretty good.
Smooth.
Fucking smooth, raj.
Well worth the money, my friend.
Well worth it.
Yee.
Please, please!
What are you doing?
Whoa!
Shit.
Please pull over!
Please.
This has fucking
horsepower, baby.
What do you say for a couple
more minutes, all right?
Just a few more
minutes, all right?
Thank... thank you, raj.
This is, like... This
is making my day.
Hey, no, no!
Hey, hey.
Okay, no more.
Enough!
Hey!
Please, stop the car!
You need to stop the car now!
I need you to stop the car now!
Pull over now!
Hey!
I need to get out...
Shut the fuck up!
Shut the fuck up, all right?
I am calling the police!
- Is that pussy for sale?
- You think I'm a fucking prostitute?
You need to stop the car!
Is this your block?
Stop it!
Fuck you!
You got to... fuck.
Fuck you, you fucking pimp!
Fuck you, fuck you!
Get away from me!
Yo.
Hey.
What's up?
Are you gonna get out?
Hmm?
So I've made everything
really easy.
This is completely filled out.
I just need your signature and a
time to go to a notary together.
All right.
Well, let me go out to my boat.
I can take a look at it.
We can talk about it.
Get a drink.
It's just gonna be a lot
easier if every single time
an easy thing needs to happen with
your family... All right, well,
I'm just telling you
I can't do it here.
It's maritime law;
I cannot discuss official business
on the slip or on the dinghy.
It's got to be on the boat.
So we going on the boat?
Come on.
Do you have those clean glasses?
I'm sorry, are you deaf?
Oh, God, your fucking breath.
It smells like this dirty... oh.
I can't tell if it's the
trash here or your breath.
There was something I
was meaning to ask you.
Have you tried using the dish
soap to clean out your asshole?
Yeah, I use it all the time.
Because you stink.
Actually, this is
where I shower.
I showe... I put my head in here.
You can fit it in there?
Rodrigo was asking me about
making some bread, and
I guess they're out of yeast.
So they're wondering if they
could use some of the yeast
Because I noticed how
infected it gets.
Yeah, he spoke to me about
that, and I directed
him to ask you about
your dick cheese.
Okay.
See if that would maybe help.
Oh, wow.
So good.
So funny.
You're so funny.
You are!
You are.
I didn't realize you were so funny.
I didn't realize you were.
You know I'm a convicted
rapist, right?
They told you that?
Oh, really?
I thought they were supposed
to let all the employees
know about that.
Yeah, I rape anything I can
get my hands on, all right?
Mm-hmm.
Are these for you?
Thank you.
Okay, great!
Bye.
Good luck!
Bye.
Fuck!
Oh, shit!
Yo.
God damn it!
Motherfucker!
Fuckin' cunt!
Bitch!
Fuck!
Fuck!
Fuck me!
Fuck!
Ow!
Yeah, you're gonna have
to keep this wound clean.
Every day you have to clean
it, change the bandage.
And in seven days, you're gonna
have the sutures removed.
Is that all right?
How does it feel?
It hurts, okay.
Hold that, please.
Hello?
Hello?
How does that feel?
Where do you like your part?
Feels good right?
How's he doing?
Just have to change this.
Oh, you're fine.
Nope, you're fine.
Order in.
No gag reflex.
This is the exact size
and shape of my penis.
The rumors are true.
Oh, shit.
You don't need to... You
don't need to pull a lot.
God damn it!
Jesus Christ.
No, it's not... I got to do lower.
God damn it!
What was that supposed to be?
Nick nolte.
"God damn it.
Jesus Christ.
That's some good...
That's some good pot.
There's no goddamn way we're
gonna get up that hill.
There's no goddamn way we're
gettin' off this boat!"
You want this?
I'm good.
Any suggestions as to
where I should put it?
Put it with my other vices.
Your drug paraphernalia.
It's fucking hot.
Un... untangle that
sweater off yourself.
What?
You should take
your sweater off.
There's very liberal
policies here for clothing.
You know, you could pretty
much wear whatever you want.
Make yourself at home, you know?
Make you... make yourself at boat.
Boat home?
Need some help?
I'm gonna do a little
tease for you here.
This is sort of how I seal
the deal with the girls.
Oh, that's... I do one
of these numbers.
One button, buttoned in.
Keep this tight.
And then, just let it loose.
That's the moment of a lifetime.
I know.
It's such... you don't want to
just reveal it all right away.
This shirt does not breathe.
Better?
Oh, my God.
What a relief.
What a big difference
that makes, huh?
What happens when you...
What happens to this button
That's... that's a good one.
This is an actual
functional button.
That's an important button.
Wow.
I do like that button.
I prefer it open.
Oh, I see, this is... This
zipper actually works.
This is a fully
functioning zipper, too.
Oh, yeah, that's... What happens...
What's down here?
All right.
Yup.
Hold on.
All right.
I'll see you at work.
Okay, see ya.
Bye.
Oh.
Easy.
Swing it around.
Swing it around.
There we go.
So what... what is this?
A sl... a slide of fish.
Wow.
It's a big fuckin' dog, or I guess
it's a really, really small man.
That's my father Dan
and his dog Jake.
That's your dad?
My dad.
Why does he have that collar on?
I mean, why does your
dad wear a collar?
Oh, that was so funny, and
then it was so not funny.
He got a laugh, and
then the second time...
Like, you think we
didn't hear you?
My dad.
That's Jake. That's John.
That's my sister Rita.
That's my dad in yellow, and that's
me with the... Who's the cop?
That's John.
That's my brother.
Mom's taking the shot,
and dad was pissed
because he was facing
towards the gift shop.
And my dad has the camera, so who
knows how my mom captured this.
I like the red coat at
the Irish festival.
Northern California.
Jake, John, Rita, my mom,
my dad are all present.
I took this shot with
my dad's camera.
Wait... why are you
showing us this stuff?
Because of this.
What is it?
It's back in the Irish
town in Canada.
Telling me
telling me
dun-dun-dun-dun
dun, duh-dun-duh
duh-duh-duh-duh
duh-duh
someone came and took
Colleen away today
everybody there watched
with so much to say
looking at that branch
she hid her face
still refusing
to scream out her hate
she was everybody's
private property
you could pay that money
and then she belongs to me
Whee!
Whee!
Ahh.
What?
Hey!
Hey, come here!
Come here!
Hey!
Whoa!
lookin' up on skies above
feels so good
when I'm near you
holding hands
and making love
whoo, whoo, baby
yes, oh, baby
yes, oh, baby
yes, oh, baby
Sandy beecher
was making love
as it travels in our lives
feels so good
walkin' side by side
want to be with you
all my life
whoa, oh, baby
yes, oh, baby
yes, oh, baby
Whoo!
No bedsores?
Clear.
No pulse?
Clear.
Why do you keep having
to push them buttons?
Sometimes things
need to be reset.
Did you ever have to
reset a prolapsed anus?
Do you even... Do you
know what that is?
Have you ever... Have
you ever had to deal
with a prolapsed an... anus?
Chief?
Did they teach you
that in nurse school?
You and the ladies
get that lesson?
I'll tell you what. I'll give
you a little lesson on it.
A prolapsed anus is when the
anus, which is a muscle, gives
out, after years of abuse.
Comes out of the rear and hangs
like a, like a slack bag of tissue.
Like a purse that you might have...
A nurse would have.
Can you imagine what it would
take to make your anus do that?
A lot of butt fucking.
The old man's probably got
a prolapsed amus... anus.
Anus and Andy.
Nothing?
Famous anus cookies.
Anything there?
So you change my dad?
You put diapers on him and
clean his asshole, and take...
Put his shit in a bag, throw it
out, put it down the toilet?
Pretty cool.
Pretty cool way to live.
I wonder if my dad's shit
has ever gotten under your
fingernails, and then you
forgot, and you are driving
home, worrying about... worrying
about your life, and you start
biting your fingernails, and
his shit gets in your mouth.
You got to be careful.
Make sure you wash them hands.
Okay.
Adios.
Yeah.
What's up?
I know, but we can bring
something else in, right?
Do we need something with
evergreens that's gonna last...
I just want you to look
at this bush here because
it's looking really...
It's pretty bad.
Yeah, I don't know if
there's a bug on it.
Look at the leaves on there.
And it's all been chewed,
and it's unbalanced.
It doesn't fit.
Yeah, and it's blocking
this thing here.
Most of when you get the flies, they...
the cuts are much more round.
That could be the larvae
going through it.
But I remember a grapevine...
It's comin' along, huh?
Yeah, yeah, looks great.
Getting there.
Good job.
Hey, what are these?
These are looking very weedy.
Those are out of here, right?
I love the black-eyed Susan.
Nadar LA piscina, I guess.
Nadar LA piscina.
Yeah, yeah, sure. It's my guys
here don't speak any English.
They keep saying, "nadar LA
piscina, nadar LA piscina!
Swim in your pool."
So they're always going
to me "nadar LA piscina?"
That's great. "Can we
swim in their pool?"
I go, "well, you know,
it's private property.
Yeah, it's gotten hot
out here for sure.
This is looking a little
troubled over here.
This one's shading it so badly.
Let's get more light under it.
What do you say if me and my
guys took a quick little dip?
What do you think?
They want to swim.
Why not?
I suppose.
Yeah, yeah, sure.
Sure.
Once they've finished here.
They're gonna mow before
they go, as well, right?
We can get you some towels. The
housekeeper will get you some towels.
No, that's fine.
Yeah.
I had a great day.
I went to the shopping mall.
I feel so good about hanging out
with my best friends today.
Who are your best friends?
All my loved ones
are in this room.
I want to thank everybody for
being so kind and considerate.
How about a round of applause
just for the five of us?
I respect my friends that come to
my house that has an artistic vibe.
Obviously, the host of
this house cares about
art and the visual space
and the energy within, and
he respects all his friends that
he invites over here equally.
I love when I go to my
friend's house and their
bathroom's really, really clean.
There's not pubic hair on
the rim of the toilet seat.
I'm with you on that.
Yeah.
Oh, and speaking of bathrooms,
I wanted to confess something.
I used... you have a box of always feminine
wipes in there, and I used a couple.
Just... my clitoris
was really messy.
So I had to wash up.
You have these terrific comedic
instincts, and then you
immediately sabotage them
with the worst follow-up.
The worst?
A terrible sense of humor.
So you know all comedians
ever, so you are qualified to
say what is the absolute worst.
You've heard all comedians ever.
No, it's in my opinion.
Well, then you can't use an
absolute term like "the worst."
I can do whatever I want.
Then give me a French kiss.
Well, fine, who disagrees?
Does he have a terrible
sense of humor?
Does he?
Absolutely.
The cool thing about a group of
friends is that you got
the smart one, the
cool one, the musical
one, and the funny guy.
And that just makes it, like,
a well-rounded cool group,
you know, to hang out
with at my house.
We're like the... The avengers.
God, you were supposed
to say something funny.
That was your cue to,
like, boom, good joke.
I want to take this moment to
just acknowledge how strong
of a bond and what a great sense
of community I feel
amongst everybody here.
I mean, I really appreciate all
the support, and I appreciate,
you know, the friendship
honestly, so God bless ya.
Let me say it, I never... I
never had a family, okay?
Because my parents, as you guys
know, died really early on.
I was raised in foster homes.
This is my family.
Here's to my family.
You are so special.
You are so special to us.
You are so important to my life.
I need you.
I don't say that to... I
don't say that to anybody.
I mean, I would say it.
I'd say it to all four of you.
Three syllables, I need you.
Hey, let's put 'em up here.
I'm not fucking toasting him.
To the four of us here.
Thank you, cheers. Bottoms up.
Bottoms up, everybody.
If you believe in me
how I try
she goes back and forth
with you
up and down
up and
get some feeling now
Anyway, I was thinking, like,
how in terms of socialism,
well, 'cause, you know, there's
this whole thing with like,
a socialist state, you
know, situation."
And honestly people don't
really even understand that
there's many versions of that.
Well... I-I think
there's a third way.
Is this the middle finger
that's about to emerge?
Well, I think people gave
up too early on feudalism.
Oh.
Yeah.
You know, you know, there's
this theory that there's, like,
a large percentage of the population
of human beings on the planet
that don't have, like,
conscious thought.
Oh, you mean like a unique...
unique thought.
Like, yeah, they're just drones.
They just go to the river, you
know, you look... like Bangladesh
or something, and they just,
like, go to the river and have
their week's worth of laundry
on their head... or a basket...
And they just fucking wash their
shit, and that's all they think.
It's like, "well, today I'm
gonna wash my laundry,
you know, like, why am
I here or anything."
But, I mean, the unfortunate
thing is, like, that our...
Our politics and our garbage
affects those people,
but they're not actively... So
you're saying you wish that
everybody was on that level.
No, I think that
there's some people
that deserve to be... To have their life...
Their life is better
because they deserve it.
Oh, I see.
Oh, I see.
I mean, because they're...
They're picked by God.
Ordained, sovereigned.
Yeah, yeah, the idea...
they are genetically chosen
to be on top of the
fuckin' food chain. Wow!
I'm sorry.
You're blowing my mind.
Because it's very unpopular.
Yeah, I think it's... yeah,
it's generally considered...
And it's not racism either.
That's the trick.
Oh, it's just...
It's just human.
You're just, like, doing...
There's black guys that deserve to
have it just as much as white guys.
This is like evolutionary imperative
is what you're talking about.
Kind of.
I didn't take that
class in college.
Neither did I.
Neither did I.
So I probably don't know what
I'm fucking saying anyway.
You know, I mean... You
know, Hitler had...
You didn't just
say, "Hitler had."
Hitler had... What?
Ideas.
Uh-huh.
I'm not a... you know, a Nazi
or anything, but I think
that he gets... he deserves
a little bit of credit.
Um, yeah.
You know, for... not for...
For killing any,
you know, forget... take him...
Take genocide out of the...
Murder out of the equation... Sure.
He was kind of like a, uh...
Like a... Like a male
cheerleader for his own people.
I will say he was an
incredible public speaker.
Very, very good.
He also had horrible
indigestion.
This is true.
He had... he had, like, gas.
He had gas problems.
Is that why his belt
was always so high up?
Well, if you watch... If
you watch his speeches,
he would do his... And then at the
end, people would be applauding,
and he would go... No, that's just...
It's true.
Check it out.
Look on YouTube.
Wake up.
Wake up.
If it comes to damage to an
apartment caused by shit
or piss or vomit or
blood, it's usually one
of our well-to-do tenants.
The low-income poverty level guys...
they'll spray taco grease
all over the wall...
On the ceiling.
Maybe some bacon
grease in the drains.
You know, you got
to get that out.
But for the most part, even though they...
They're idiots.
They keep it a little
tidier, you know?
Don't have that sense of
entitlement about shitting
all over our property.
Yup.
I'd like to just keep a
couple of the tenants,
throw out all the others.
Let the hobos take over.
Turn it into a hobo jungle.
I don't have to be on the
fucking phone with McClaren
about all this shit three
times, four times a day.
Don't have to waste your
time filling you in.
You let these hobos take over,
they're, again, tidy
people, tidy people.
Hobos are tidy people?
They're the cleanest...
Cleanest people you'd ever meet
because... I mean, their asses are
dirty, but their cocks are clean
as a baby's breath.
Yeah.
Hobo dicks are cleaner than... I
was reading this the other day.
Hobo dicks are cleaner
than hospital scalpels.
I mean, they're like...
They've done, you know...
They've taken hobo dicks under
microscopes and have been
unable to detect any
bacteria of any kind.
It's like 99.9% pure cock.
Everybody know... Because
their cocks are sucked
so repeatedly, it's like going...
It's like taking your
car to a car wash.
If you're a hobo, you go
down to the fucking wall
street and wait around
until about 5:01 P.M.
These stockbrokers come
out all looking for
hobo dick to suck, you
know what I mean?
Dicks are already hard.
And they Polish the... They
Polish the fucking cocks so
They get their dicks hard in the
elevator coming down knowing
that those hobos are out there
with their mouths wide open.
Wide open.
Those fucking hobos have to get
injections of semen into their
fucking scrotum so that they can
ejaculate enough to fill the
need of these stock-broke
fucks who just love
dirty, homeless semen,
and that's documented.
That's in newsweek.
You look that up.
Life is lies
one more day on the road
God settin' sail
full sail
callin' the hill
before I sail
the city in love
the bay of sky
well, it's a place
shadow go
shadow go
These are all hand cut.
Cool.
We got a bunch of them in, so
if you want to check up front.
Thank you.
Oh.
Get under it.
You get under it.
Yeah!
Two up, two out.
One, two, three.
He was gonna b.P., but he
hasn't done shit since.
I've seen what he's got up...
Right.
Nah.
What?
No, does it sound like
I'm on my fucking boat?
No, I'm in dad's pool room.
Yeah.
All right, well, you know,
come up if you want.
Well, I'll be here.
Whoa
Oh, Liza, Liza.
Them slaves be workin'
hard out here.
Dying out there in the
thousands in the sun,
just keeling over from the heat.
From the heat!
Come on now.
Ain't it good... Ain't it
right to see them die?
How hard they work
for this family.
Papa use them skin for
making nice furniture.
He tans them out
there, makes a nice...
That couch you were on in
there is all slave meat,
slave skin, as it should be.
God bless 'em.
Slave penis and vagina.
Come on, that's funny.
I know you think that's funny.
Your sense of humor ain't died.
It's a good crop of slaves
we have this year, isn't it?
Real nice, nice bunch.
I got to know 'em personally.
Some of them I know
by their first name.
Old man be dead
by now, I expect.
Ain't breathin' too good.
I expect he won't shine too...
Too kindly on our family.
He got one son out
there on a boat.
He got another boy up
there in the looney bin,
married to some whore who rubs...
Who rubs... rubs sh...
Shit on her vagina.
Some 'ho got... you the kind of
whore that... You the kind
of whore that swallows cum.
You are my only cum-swallowing
sister-in-law, and I appreciate it.
Cum swallower.
That's the proudest thing
to be in this family.
So how... So how long, uh...
How long you think they're
going to keep him up in there?
So are they weaning him off the
stuff, or how's that work?
What's the process?
Are you really asking that?
I'm curious. He's my bro.
I care about my bro.
Want to make sure
he's doing good.
You get to go up there for
any kind of conjugal visits?
You get to go... You
get to, you know...
Fuck him?
Suck him?
Do they have to keep him in
some kind of straitjacket
and, like, let you jerk him off?
I mean, what's going
on with that?
Uh, can I get a pabst?
Give me a glass or what?
Oh, Jesus.
Hey, you guys hiring here?
Looking for anybody to
help out around the bar?
I'm looking for work.
No.
No.
I could, you know, get some
different kind of people in here.
You know what I mean?
A little diversity?
Is that right?
Yeah.
I could get my buddies to come
in and spend a lot of money.
Got to think about a whole...
This whole area
is the next place where people
are going to be hanging out,
and you got to get some people
in here so they don't
feel so intimidated.
Mm.
But I love it though;
It's like a good fucking bar.
It's, like, good
energy and everything.
Good location.
Where you from?
I'm in williamsburg, you know?
So, represent.
Represent what?
What?
I'm representing
williamsburg, bro!
You got to respect where I
come from, because I respect
where you come from.
Come on.
You know where we come from?
You come from "the hood."
Right?
I know.
I'm cool.
I'm with you guys.
I'm on your side.
I'm just hanging out. I'm
just trying to explore.
I'm trying to get out
of my comfort zone,
trying to be cool and hang out
with cool guys like you dudes.
This is about respecting
this block, 'cause I get it.
I understand that you guys are...
You know, work hard or,
you know, have a lot of history.
For real, man.
I don't mean to be
disrespectful, but you guys look
like you could be tough guys.
You guys are, like, tough guys.
What a tough guy look like?
Like a black guy.
Oh, wow!
That's a stereotype now, Jack.
Hey, you can fucking...
You stereotype me.
You fucking look at me and think...
you make all sorts of
Well, what, you a
yuppie or something?
Yeah, 'cause I got
fucking money.
Because, you know, I come from...
You got money?
Yeah. Yeah?
How much money you got?
Right now, 20 bucks.
So you're shit out of luck.
You can't fucking stab me.
You can't fucking stab me!
We got some credit
cards over here, man.
Where are your fucking
bitches, though, man?
You got to fucking pay for 'em
in this part of town, right?
I want some black ass.
I want to fuck some
fucking black ass.
B-I-g.
We all hanging out
we all hanging on the block
checking out the bitches
bitch, a bitch
Now I'm trying to be honest with
you, and you all up in my grill.
Up in your grill!
Bet you listen to radio too much, huh, Jack?
Well...
We could get Tony to come in and
cut like a dog... cat door...
Pet door here and put
a sign on that says,
"techno... techno
night, $25 bucks."
Lock it up at 4:00 A.M.
Then we do the controlled
demolition, and then you sell
all the techno idiots as
scrap meat to the renderer.
I've had dishwashing
jobs in the past.
You have?
Yes.
And you show up to work on time,
and you do your job properly,
and you scrub hard and all that?
Absolutely. Mm-hmm, mm-hmm.
I have Tuesday, Wednesday,
and Saturday lunch shifts.
Okay, yeah, that would be...
That'd work for me.
And how much are you
looking to get paid?
I don't know what the rate is.
I guess, like, $10 an hour?
- $7.25.
- Okay, that's good.
That's fine.
Yeah, 10... How old are you?
I'm 35.
I'll take a little hit.
Just a touch.
Just tell me when.
You tell me when, okay? Just
pour it like a regular man.
I'm not a regular man.
I can't do it that way.
Just fuck it.
I'll just have champagne.
But speaking of American terrorists,
I was just reading this thing
about Timothy McVeigh. Apparently,
and I didn't know this,
but I was reading this, apparently,
that building had it coming.
He said, "it deserved it."
That building was a
fucking asshole.
I read that, too.
Cargill has to wait 30
seconds before he makes
any comment on any subject
or any conversation piece.
So that you have... There is
some kind of a clearance period;
A decontamination zone
for your thoughts.
Also, go... you could
also do the rules of ten.
Every tenth thought comes out.
You know what I mean?
You got a thought, you're like,
"okay, that's one, save it."
Store it. "Two."
Maybe destroy it.
Up to ten.
Comment, wait for a pause.
Yeah, let's try it out.
I think we are in the
process of trying it out.
I think you have no
concept of time.
I bet if you... Somebody
with a timer checked...
You have an hourglass
in your pocket?
What do you think ten
seconds feels like?
You tell me when ten seconds is up.
Ready?
Hold on.
I bet it's gonna
be three seconds.
Ready?
No overestimating.
That's cheating.
Ready? Go.
No, I'm not ready.
I prefer if we started again,
because I wasn't ready.
Ask me if I'm ready, and
then I'll say, "yes,"
and then you start. All
right, are you ready?
Yes.
Here we go. Start.
And the world
you've taken
there's no way
Yo!
Hey, put on some hip-hop.
I'm sorry, guys,
the radio's broke.
No music today.
No, no.
I am sorry.
Radio, and then the hip-hop.
Why don't you fuckers have
satellite radio in this cab?
You pay so much fucking
money for these cabs.
You should have the option to
listen to whatever kind
of music you want.
Hip-hop.
Hip-hop.
We make ya... Boom,
cat, cat, ca-gung, cat
boom, cat, cat, ca-gung, cat
boom, hip, hip-hip-hip-hop
give me some hip-hip-hop
give me some hip-hip-hop
give me some hip-hip-hop
I want some taxi hip-hop
some black music
black music
Hey!
I don't have... I do not have a car
radio, because I am just a boy.
You're just a wooden boy.
Maybe you know
this hip-hop song.
You'll get a no-no tip
you're gonna get a no-no tip
Shut up!
You're gonna get a no-no tip
you're gonna get
you're gonna get a no-no tip
you're gonna get a no-no tip
you're gonna get a no-no tip
you're gonna get a no-no tip
you're gonna get a no-no tip
you're gonna get
a no-no tip
you're gonna get a no-no tip
'cause you got no radio
gonna get a no-no tip
'cause you got no radio
you're gonna get a no-no tip
'cause you got to get a radio
and you got to get a radio
you got no radio
ain't got no radio
you got no radio
it's what we deserve
you got to get the satellite
so that people can listen
to what they want
you got to get the satellite
Take a magic stick.
Light it up.
Think about God. Think
about your family.
I love you, my Christ.
I love you, my Christ.
I'm gonna take somebody else's
prayer, because I don't have... Aww.
I feel like if you steal...
This counts as stealing.
It's beautiful.
Let's do it together.
Can... dude, will you
take a picture of me?
Oh, yeah. I'm a huge fan.
Ready? One, two, three.
I'm sorry, sorry, sorry...
We're almost done.
Thank you, dude.
All four points and a swirl.
I think that's just
too much scent.
Ahh
ahh, ahh
That's nice.
That's nice tone.
That's perfect tone.
Perfect volume.
You are in the demon's house.
I love that kind of music.
Nice.
This is the noisy one.
Ow.
Shh.
Come on.
Come on.
Come on.
Come on.
You can do it.
You can do it.
Yes.
Eyes to their opposites
lawyers impress
it's gonna play wrong
now sitting happily
sitting so happily
Is this your cab?
Oh, oh, no.
No, sir.
I rent it... a lease.
Uh-huh.
I bet you get a lot of
assholes in this cab, huh?
Huh?
A lot of people puke back here?
This... you keep it clean, though.
I respect that.
Yeah, because a lot of you fuckers
don't keep your cabs clean.
No res... no dis... no disrespect.
I always thought it would be
kind of fun to drive around,
you know, meeting weird people and...
I don't know.
- I'm a good driver.
- You don't look like a cab driver, sir.
Yeah, well, let's... We should change
the way people think of cab drivers.
I'll tell you what, man.
I would pay you... I would pay
you if you let me drive my...
If you let me drive myself home.
You don't trust me?
I got a driver's license.
I'm not a fucking dope.
Wh... how much, sir?
How much... what's your name?
Raj?
How much would you char...
How much... If you could
let me drive for like,
you know, 20 minutes?
How much?
I'm serious.
Raj!
$100 for 20 minutes.
$200.
Sir, you are very distracting!
I'm trying to talk to you. I'm
not going to give you my cab.
All right, listen, I'm trying
to make you... A business.
I'm trying to make a business
deal with you. I will give
you $200 right now in cash if
you let me drive your cab.
I'm serious.
I have it.
I have cash.
Raj, seriously.
Four... I don't know.
$400.
I'll give you...
I'll give you $400 right now if you
let me drive your cab for 20 minutes.
Sir, this is not... This is not
a playground... I'm serious!
This is how I make a living.
This is my life!
I respect that.
I cannot let you... Raj, I re...
hey, raj.
This is just two gents having
a ride, talking about money,
talking about business
opportunities.
Do... do you want to make $400 right
now and let me drive your cab?
I'm being serious.
I'm being honest.
That's right.
Here, here.
You are not gonna regret it.
Thank you, man.
Appreciate it.
It's gonna be fine.
No, I need... can you... You
need to sit in the back.
Is it cool if you do the back?
It's like the whole experience.
You know what I mean?
No, no.
Come on, 20 minutes.
You know, for 400 bucks.
I just want to do
the whole thing.
I want to do the whole experience.
You know what I mean?
Come on, man, for 400 bucks?
Trust me, I'm a friend.
Thank you.
Thank... thank you very much, sir.
I respect you.
Careful, okay?
Careful.
Yeah, yeah.
This feels pretty good.
Smooth.
Fucking smooth, raj.
Well worth the money, my friend.
Well worth it.
Yee.
Please, please!
What are you doing?
Whoa!
Shit.
Please pull over!
Please.
This has fucking
horsepower, baby.
What do you say for a couple
more minutes, all right?
Just a few more
minutes, all right?
Thank... thank you, raj.
This is, like... This
is making my day.
Hey, no, no!
Hey, hey.
Okay, no more.
Enough!
Hey!
Please, stop the car!
You need to stop the car now!
I need you to stop the car now!
Pull over now!
Hey!
I need to get out...
Shut the fuck up!
Shut the fuck up, all right?
I am calling the police!
- Is that pussy for sale?
- You think I'm a fucking prostitute?
You need to stop the car!
Is this your block?
Stop it!
Fuck you!
You got to... fuck.
Fuck you, you fucking pimp!
Fuck you, fuck you!
Get away from me!
Yo.
Hey.
What's up?
Are you gonna get out?
Hmm?
So I've made everything
really easy.
This is completely filled out.
I just need your signature and a
time to go to a notary together.
All right.
Well, let me go out to my boat.
I can take a look at it.
We can talk about it.
Get a drink.
It's just gonna be a lot
easier if every single time
an easy thing needs to happen with
your family... All right, well,
I'm just telling you
I can't do it here.
It's maritime law;
I cannot discuss official business
on the slip or on the dinghy.
It's got to be on the boat.
So we going on the boat?
Come on.
Do you have those clean glasses?
I'm sorry, are you deaf?
Oh, God, your fucking breath.
It smells like this dirty... oh.
I can't tell if it's the
trash here or your breath.
There was something I
was meaning to ask you.
Have you tried using the dish
soap to clean out your asshole?
Yeah, I use it all the time.
Because you stink.
Actually, this is
where I shower.
I showe... I put my head in here.
You can fit it in there?
Rodrigo was asking me about
making some bread, and
I guess they're out of yeast.
So they're wondering if they
could use some of the yeast
Because I noticed how
infected it gets.
Yeah, he spoke to me about
that, and I directed
him to ask you about
your dick cheese.
Okay.
See if that would maybe help.
Oh, wow.
So good.
So funny.
You're so funny.
You are!
You are.
I didn't realize you were so funny.
I didn't realize you were.
You know I'm a convicted
rapist, right?
They told you that?
Oh, really?
I thought they were supposed
to let all the employees
know about that.
Yeah, I rape anything I can
get my hands on, all right?
Mm-hmm.
Are these for you?
Thank you.
Okay, great!
Bye.
Good luck!
Bye.
Fuck!
Oh, shit!
Yo.
God damn it!
Motherfucker!
Fuckin' cunt!
Bitch!
Fuck!
Fuck!
Fuck me!
Fuck!
Ow!
Yeah, you're gonna have
to keep this wound clean.
Every day you have to clean
it, change the bandage.
And in seven days, you're gonna
have the sutures removed.
Is that all right?
How does it feel?
It hurts, okay.
Hold that, please.
Hello?
Hello?
How does that feel?
Where do you like your part?
Feels good right?
How's he doing?
Just have to change this.
Oh, you're fine.
Nope, you're fine.
Order in.
No gag reflex.
This is the exact size
and shape of my penis.
The rumors are true.
Oh, shit.
You don't need to... You
don't need to pull a lot.
God damn it!
Jesus Christ.
No, it's not... I got to do lower.
God damn it!
What was that supposed to be?
Nick nolte.
"God damn it.
Jesus Christ.
That's some good...
That's some good pot.
There's no goddamn way we're
gonna get up that hill.
There's no goddamn way we're
gettin' off this boat!"
You want this?
I'm good.
Any suggestions as to
where I should put it?
Put it with my other vices.
Your drug paraphernalia.
It's fucking hot.
Un... untangle that
sweater off yourself.
What?
You should take
your sweater off.
There's very liberal
policies here for clothing.
You know, you could pretty
much wear whatever you want.
Make yourself at home, you know?
Make you... make yourself at boat.
Boat home?
Need some help?
I'm gonna do a little
tease for you here.
This is sort of how I seal
the deal with the girls.
Oh, that's... I do one
of these numbers.
One button, buttoned in.
Keep this tight.
And then, just let it loose.
That's the moment of a lifetime.
I know.
It's such... you don't want to
just reveal it all right away.
This shirt does not breathe.
Better?
Oh, my God.
What a relief.
What a big difference
that makes, huh?
What happens when you...
What happens to this button
That's... that's a good one.
This is an actual
functional button.
That's an important button.
Wow.
I do like that button.
I prefer it open.
Oh, I see, this is... This
zipper actually works.
This is a fully
functioning zipper, too.
Oh, yeah, that's... What happens...
What's down here?
All right.
Yup.
Hold on.
All right.
I'll see you at work.
Okay, see ya.
Bye.
Oh.
Easy.
Swing it around.
Swing it around.
There we go.
So what... what is this?
A sl... a slide of fish.
Wow.
It's a big fuckin' dog, or I guess
it's a really, really small man.
That's my father Dan
and his dog Jake.
That's your dad?
My dad.
Why does he have that collar on?
I mean, why does your
dad wear a collar?
Oh, that was so funny, and
then it was so not funny.
He got a laugh, and
then the second time...
Like, you think we
didn't hear you?
My dad.
That's Jake. That's John.
That's my sister Rita.
That's my dad in yellow, and that's
me with the... Who's the cop?
That's John.
That's my brother.
Mom's taking the shot,
and dad was pissed
because he was facing
towards the gift shop.
And my dad has the camera, so who
knows how my mom captured this.
I like the red coat at
the Irish festival.
Northern California.
Jake, John, Rita, my mom,
my dad are all present.
I took this shot with
my dad's camera.
Wait... why are you
showing us this stuff?
Because of this.
What is it?
It's back in the Irish
town in Canada.
Telling me
telling me
dun-dun-dun-dun
dun, duh-dun-duh
duh-duh-duh-duh
duh-duh
someone came and took
Colleen away today
everybody there watched
with so much to say
looking at that branch
she hid her face
still refusing
to scream out her hate
she was everybody's
private property
you could pay that money
and then she belongs to me
Whee!
Whee!
Ahh.
What?
Hey!
Hey, come here!
Come here!
Hey!
Whoa!