Conan O'Brien Can't Stop (2011) Movie Script

I think these people
get on these cars
thinking they're gonna see...
"There's Brad Pitt.
He's sweeping off the sidewalk
in front of his house. Hey, there, Brad."
Hey, it's me, Conan O'Brien
from "The Tonight Show"! Hi!
I should have said,
"Formerly of 'The Tonight Show."'
O'Brien was announced
as Leno's "Tonight Show" successor
back in 2004,
and five years later,
his "Tonight Show" premiered.
But the network suits wanted to keep
the still-popular Jay Leno,
so they had an idea...
create a new prime-time talk show
for Jay Leno at 10:00 P.M.
That way they hold on to both
of their hosts and save money
on producing
original scripted programming.
But the experiment failed.
Critics panned Leno's show,
and the ratings went way down.
And Conan's "Tonight Show" ratings
were disappointing, as well.
So, they came up with another idea...
push the whole lineup later.
So, Jay Leno's show would go on
in the "Tonight Show" slot,
and "The Tonight Show"
would follow at 12:05 A.M.
I didn't want to be
the first "Tonight Show" host
to take "The Tonight Show"
into the next day,
so I said that didn't
really work for me.
Hey, hey! Ho, ho!
Jay Leno's show has got to go!
Hey, hey! Ho, ho!
Jay Leno's show has got to go!
Hey, hey!
Jay is a liar!
He said he'd retire!
Fight, fight, fight, fight!
I am prohibited
from being on television right now,
contractually, for the next 5, 6 months.
What if I could just go
out there and see these people
who were so nice and supportive
and put on a show for them?
And now it's... it's this.
It's... I don't know, 44 dates,
starting April 12th.
I'm 46, and what do I do now?
What else do I have to say?
And it's just trying
to figure that out right away,
and so the tour will be interesting, 'cause
I don't quite know what it's gonna be.
I just know that I've always liked
being in front of an audience.
That's all I know, is I really like
being in front of an audience.
You haven't stopped at all.
You started thinking about this
the day after your final "Tonight Show."
Day... the day of. Yeah.
Why do you think that is, and what
would that mean for you to stop?
I don't know
what it would be like to stop.
What do you mean, stop?
What does that even mean?
Really, my main goal for this
is to have some fun.
Do you think you could have fun
without an audience in front of you?
- We're in E, right?
- Yeah.
I really have fun
when I'm with the... with writers
or when I'm with musicians
and we're working things out.
Then I'm content.
- Hey!
- Hey!
- Hi, everybody.
- Hey!
- Did the eating already happen?
- It just happened.
I had an idea a couple days ago,
which was striking me as kind of funny,
which is go out and say,
"As you know, there are, whatever,
the seven stages of grief
that people go through."
It turns out there are seven stages
that you have to go through
when you lose your television show.
The first one is denial.
The last stage is
you get your ass to Cleveland.
Like, you make them the last stage.
"We're from Cleveland!"
Now, the whole point of this tour
was let's have some fun.
Yeah, get him. Hit him.
If there's ever been a time
in my life to just say...
Whoo, whoo!
"To hell with it," it's now.
We're about to start a 32-city tour,
and it's coming up fast, gang.
"Hey, Conan, how'd the fight go?"
"it went pretty good, I guess."
And you guys are worried about me
filling an hour and a half.
Just have fun and feel it.
You guys know enough about...
And we're doing this where,
you know, we're playing it like
I just, you know... I've never
had backup singers in my life.
This is my dream, and then these
two beautiful backup singers come out.
Ladies and gentlemen,
for the first time ever, the Coquettes!
Polk salad
Polk salad
Gonna have me a mess of
Yeah, yeah
Polk salad
Yeah, yeah, yeah
Gonna have me a mess of
Yeah, yeah
Gonna have some Polk salad
Yeah, yeah
Gonna have me a mess of
Yeah, yeah
Gonna have some Polk salad
Come on, ladies! Like me!
Da Na Na Na Na
You are not playing.
What's that?
- You are not playing.
- No.
It's like the Michael Jackson movie.
- Let's try these two.
- I think these two.
- It's...
- Let's do it.
I want my own show again
Oh, I really can't wait
to have my own show again
Oxygen Network, give me a call
if you're listening
I can't wait to have
my own show again
I can't wait to get
my own show again
Jesus Christ!
I can't wait to get
my own show again
Change it in the middle.
Then it just starts to
become this bitter...
It'd actually be funny to have it start
as "On the Road Again"
and then morph
into "I cannot wait for this"...
Comedy people, check this out
and see if I need to be pulled
over and given a ticket
or if we can possibly get away with this.
You want to sit over there,
Zack, on the floor?
We were playing
"On the Road Again,"
which is a song, you know...
On the road again
Just a fun song,
and I'd like to start it out
as "On the Road Again,"
and then we come back
and I go
My own show again
I can't wait to have
my own show again
Give me a second.
Something with "at 10:00," like, the time.
I'd even take a primetime show
that's on at 10:00
I just want to be on the...
There's fuel there because...
I am angry.
I'm really angry at times.
I'm trying not to be,
but I'm really, really angry about...
and I just have to be honest...
I'm very angry about the way
that I was treated,
and I'm a person who's...
I'm the least entitled person
you'll meet in the world.
I don't think I was entitled
to "The Tonight Show."
I don't think I'm entitled
to success in show business,
but I'm just...
sometimes I'm so mad,
I can't even breathe.
And I do think that this show
is some sort of,
at least, positive expression,
because all that... there's all
that steam energy of being angry,
and so it comes out
a little bit in performance.
You can get out there
and talk to people
at least about being unemployed,
being legally prohibited
from being on television,
which is gonna be something
I talk about.
You can have the...
I can play the executives.
And while that's not
any one particular person,
it definitely is me saying
to the whole idea
of non-creative people
screwing over people
that feed their bone marrow
into the wood chipper of television,
"Fuck you," you know.
That's part of it.
I don't know what this was.
Jeff just told me to sign...
to have you sign this.
Okay. He didn't say where or anything?
Did you want to...
No, I think...
No, no, I don't need to read it.
God knows I stopped reading things
I signed a long time ago.
Are there any, of all
the TV executives, like this at NBC?
I don't know. I haven't
thought about them in a while.
There are some
follicly challenged executives, I'm sure.
But... but, really,
this represents no one person.
It represents two people.
Or make it three.
Um, hey, Sweeney,
should we talk about how much
I want to look or not look like...
Hello, there!
I'm a generic network executive.
My name is...
I thought I'd stop in tonight
and check out
your pathetic little show
in your pathetic little city.
Is someone walking
in and out of the door?
Please, someone.
We need someone to guard the door.
Gonna announce this thing,
and then it's just time
for the nausea and the self-doubt
and the fear to take over.
That's the fun part.
All right, I'm gonna... where am I
gonna be doing this from?
You're gonna have to set it up
for me to submit.
Wherever you want.
Well, we're gonna do it
from your microcomputer.
It was made in Micronesia.
Are you...
do you want to pull it up?
No. Do it on the...
We're gonna do it early.
We're gonna do it right now.
I can't believe I'm here for this.
- Hit it.
- Good luck.
Hey, Internet, I'm headed to your town
in a half-assed comedy/music tour.
I repeat, it's half-assed.
It's in God's hands now.
What time is it? 7:20.
- By 7:40, I'm out of the business.
- Sure.
The promoter in New York's telling me
the first Radio City show is sold out.
- It's what?
- So, everything's starting to go, huh?
So, when do you think we're adding
the second show in Radio City?
Both shows in Chicago and the one show
in Minneapolis are officially sold out.
700 tickets shy of selling out
the second show at Radio City.
Holy smokes.
Toronto will sell out today for sure.
Minneapolis will be done today.
- The West Coast stuff is a little slower...
- Right.
- Because it's early.
- Yes.
Uhh... It's great.
2,000 tickets already sold
on the second show in Chicago.
The site
is taking too long to load.
Oh. Well, it's getting crushed, I'm sure.
Cynthia just got the tweet.
She can't get onto the site.
"The site right now is jammed with traffic.
You can't get on, go to Ticketmaster."
Let's write that up and send it out.
I think it's jammed with traffic... yes.
You're all dressed!
Nothing motivates you
to figure out what your show is
like selling a whole bunch
of tickets... to it.
After the band's done
their first two songs,
they stop playing, the place gets quiet,
all the lights go out, and we go.
You see, my daddy
was lazy and no-count
He claimed he had a bad back
And all my brothers was good for
Watermelons out of my tool sack
We got... we're close.
I love staring into this black void
and getting no response.
What are you doing there?
A Brookstone catalog going on?
What are you doing? I'll buy it for you.
Let's come on.
You guys okay with the audio?
I'm not getting any response from anybody.
It's just looking into a pit.
All right.
Well, enjoy your death star.
I'm trying... you had
a problem with the audio,
and I'm trying to determine
if that's been set.
It's just a question of the mix
when you're playing...
I just wanted to see you stand up.
I appreciate it. Let's go.
I had this idea that I've talked about,
which is to wear... wear a suit
that's an exact replica
of the one that Eddie Murphy wore
in "Raw."
Bend over.
Touch your knees, please.
Monday, I think
I'm getting fitted for it.
Daddy, you look silly.
Fuck, yeah.
Oh, my God.
I don't even think
I can sit down in this outfit.
Well, it would be interesting to see you
try and sit in a bean bag chair.
Is that a butter sauce?
Can you see
if you can find Sona?
Look at that fish.
I think that's butter sauce.
What'd it say
when you ordered it?
I just need just a simple piece
of grilled fish.
Sorry to have
to let you go over this.
Oh. I think the restaurant
just messed up, 'cause...
Either way, you're losing
your job over this.
I really do not want to lose my job.
That's what people
who lose their job say.
Who says,
"I'm glad I'm losing my job"?
- I think I could be good.
- Yes?
We have another one coming.
I just sent the other runner.
- Did you get me a new assistant?
- I'm trying to keep my job.
Do you mean
a new assistant coming?
That's cool.
I'm just trying to keep my job.
It's fine. This happens often.
With ordering food out on tour,
you have to check everything.
We can't... It's just...
Oh, so Sona should check things?
- Oh.
- No, no, no. Like...
Gus, I can't believe you would...
- No, I'm not throwing her under the bus.
- Gus, you're missing the point.
I want you to throw Sona
under the bus.
It gives me joy.
Tony can tell you what happened,
but it's gonna be fine.
- Over half the time, I do it right.
- Yeah.
That's great.
If you were an airplane pilot,
there'd be a lot of dead people out there.
And I'm trying to keep it lean,
and she keeps going out
and getting me fish that lived in butter.
It actually lived
and grew up in butter.
But you're gonna be fine.
I said no butter.
Usually I'm at a certain weight
and then when I went off TV...
There was a period there of...
Just... no, that's okay.
Of just, like, cheese popcorn.
There was, like, what I call
my "fuck it" period.
"Fuck them. Fuck them.
They're crazy."
Oh, God.
Hello? Job'?
Tell me it's a job.
I'm still... we're making it up.
First you got to sell tickets.
We did that.
That's the hard part.
Then you come up with a show.
Apple's new iPad will be declared
the most revolutionary device
of the last 50 years
by the editors of
Things to Snort Cocaine Off Of magazine.
Oh, the TBS thing is at 4:00.
We find out how real that is,
if that's really happening.
Yeah, we're not going on TBS.
When is our meeting on Oxygen, Jeff?
All I know is that Sona
hears these things
and then moves
heaven and earth to make sure
that we cancel our rehearsals
so that you and I drag our asses to TBS.
And then it's USA.
My scheme is for Animal Planet.
All right, now, ladies and gentlemen,
I know you're glad
to see the masturbating bear,
but there is a problem.
The masturbating bear
is legally the property of NBC.
Ladies and gentlemen,
say good-bye to the masturbating bear
and say hello
to a brand-new character
that you're gonna see tonight
for the first time,
our own self-pleasuring panda.
Guys, guys, there's a problem here.
When I say, "the self-pleasuring panda,"
he never seems to know to go,
and then you guys keep playing,
so nothing happens.
- Can the actor who's playing... who is it?
- Blake.
Blake, can you not hear me
when I say, "the self-pleasuring panda"?
- What's that?
- Oh, fuck you.
Kiss LaBamba.
And then we cut to LaBamba.
Hold it. Hold it. That's important.
If we don't have the cut to Loco
Richie there, then we got nothing.
It's got to be LaBamba. Bang.
This thing's a train wreck.
Oh, I just rubbed this microphone
into my leaking eye.
Sorry. Seriously,
no one touch this microphone.
There's eye discharge on the mike.
Yeah, that's the problem.
Left and right, chopaholics.
I want these fucking people...
It's like bang, bang,
bang, bang, bang.
And I was trying
to make it happen today,
and you thought,
"Oh, he's insulting me."
- I know that.
- Check it out, guys.
Hello? Hello?
Banana Company.
Fuck. That's what he did.
No, there's no support here.
I went out on a limb
with Banana Company.
Hey, telephone call for you.
Pick it up.
- Hello? Banana Company.
- Yes!
I like using human puppets.
Can I ask a question about...
That was just to look
at all of 'em.
Yeah, we're not sure
if we're gonna do them all.
And from now on... and I'm not
even kidding about this...
when you want to speak, you have to talk
into the banana telephone.
- I'm not gonna talk into the banana.
- You have to.
Guys, Sona's on. Sona's got something
to say. What is it, Sona?
- This is really demeaning.
- Yes. Yes. I don't know why...
You're asking me
to talk into a banana.
I just did it seven times,
and you're too good to do it?
This is not a good work environment. What's
happening right now is not healthy for me.
We lost two songs,
"Seduce You" and "Creep."
Matt, what do you got?
Oh, yeah. Matt, make a suggestion
in the banana phone.
Does everyone like
"On the Road Again"?
I was just throwing it out there.
- You know.
- Well, guess what I'm doing...
- Throwing it back.
- Okay.
Okay? You're a guy
that works in the Louvre,
You saw the Mona Lisa,
and you tossed it out the window.
Luckily, I came by, saw it,
and brought it back, okay?
And you're like, "Well, I was
just throwing it out there."
You threw the Mona Lisa
out of the Louvre, you idiot.
You think doing
"On the Road Again" is the Mona Lisa?
- And this is the Louvre?
- Yes.
- All right.
- Yes. I like that.
And I'm sick of people saying
that I'm drunk with power,
that I've lost my perspective.
Who says that?
- Can I talk?
- Yes.
Now she comes over.
You had asked me earlier...
I can't hear you.
- You asked me earlier...
- Hold it.
- Just hold it.
- Can't concentrate.
So, we lost about 16 minutes
with all that stuff,
so it's about a minute, 13 now.
I mean an hour, 13.
You said a minute, 13,
and you said it into a banana.
I am extremely hard on myself.
Sometimes that spills
onto other people,
you know, because
I'm that hard on myself,
and then when things
aren't quite right,
I'm making these jokes
that have an edge to them
that are, like,
to Mike Sweeney, the head writer,
to Jeff Ross, like, "Oh, really?
So, that's the best we could do?"
Or this.
And they're little jabs.
And they're jokes with
quotation marks around them...
Just stretching out.
But it's me trying to keep... I'm trying
to keep everything in the stew pot.
I'm trying to just keep it all, you
know, there and not have it spill out.
Um, want to... want to oil that?
Um... See? That's an example.
That's me letting my wife know
I find that irritating.
But it's all fun and joking.
And she's gonna leave me,
and it's a 50/50 state, California.
How does the crowd look?
Who are they?
What will we learn?
What will we learn?
You'll learn
what comedy bits work.
Not necessarily.
That's actually true. Sorry.
'Cause you're doing
a lot of Eugene references.
You learn what former
"Tonight Show" staffers like.
What's your prediction?
Will they like what we're serving up?
Yes. I think so.
Why wouldn't they?
I don't know.
Thank you very much!
Everybody, please sit down!
Thank you for being here,
people that used to work for me.
That was great
coming out here right now,
'cause I'm gonna be
really honest with you.
I'm like Tinker Bell.
Without applause, I die.
Polk Salad Annie
Gators got your granny
Gators got your granny
Not having any of it.
Not having any of it.
I wanted to thank everybody
for being here tonight.
We're trying out a lot of stuff.
We know that I'm trying out...
throwing a million things at you,
and we appreciate people
coming all the way here
and being an audience
for us tonight.
So, thank you so much
for doing that.
I appreciate it
from the bottom of my heart.
Okay, everybody,
thank you very much!
- How are you?
- I was talking to Eddie Haskell.
- Oh... oh.
- Yes.
So, we got fixes and things to do,
but what'd you think?
It felt like... I think the energy you're
gonna encounter is not a seated energy.
- Do you know what I mean?
- Right.
How'd it feel?
Have you talked to the kids?
No. Mnh-mnh.
Are we gonna tell them that I'm gonna be
taking some trips to go do my show
but I'm gonna call them and...
- They know their old man's in vaudeville.
- That's right.
You know what Daddy has to do?
- I think I have to get ready to leave.
- Okay.
Daddy has to go and get
on the plane and go to... where?
Do you remember where I'm going?
Can I call you on the iChat?
- Who's gonna operate the computer iChat?
- We will operate.
In improvisational acting,
there's this great rule
that I've used in my life,
which is act as if.
Act as if this is completely normal.
Call me Conan, please.
Of course I'm supposed to be
interviewing Barack Obama
or of course I'm supposed to be
playing guitar with Bruce Springsteen.
And, of course,
there's a big part of you inside
that's saying,
"What are you talking about?"
This doesn't feel completely real.
It doesn't feel completely real to me.
This is just an extension of replacing
David Letterman at the age of 30.
How's that first show gonna go?
What do you think, Sona?
I think it's gonna go really well.
I think I saw a sign
that said Sheboygan, Wisconsin.
I kill 'em in Sheboygan.
Let's push this crowd back.
This is...
I need room here.
Everyone, give me some room.
Get these people back!
I want everyone back!
No! No photos!
For security reasons,
I think we should change our hotels
at the last second.
Right. To something
twice as expensive.
Yeah. It's something I learned
from Saddam Hussein.
All right, sir.
- At what time...
- Good luck, man.
- Hey, thank you very much.
- You got a raw deal, man.
- We're with you.
- Thank you very much. I appreciate it.
Conan, you got the shaft, brother.
Oh, don't worry about that.
I'm okay.
I love how we got here early
so you could go out and get recognized.
Get the fuck out of here.
I didn't do that.
You're speaking tomorrow, right?
- Yes, yes.
- I hope it goes well.
It'll be more than speaking.
Why don't you just go?
', guys.
Make it bigger.
Hi, Daddy.
Can you guys hear me?
This thing is no good.
That's their actual reaction to you.
- Hello.
- Hi.
Daddy, you can...
They're usually more animated.
Did you call your folks and tell 'em
you're here all right and everything?
Oh, hi, Mom. How you doing?
Yeah, yeah, I'm in Eugene.
I have my own room.
I'm at the Hilton.
It was cool, Mom.
I was a baller.
- What?
- Private planes.
Tell your mother I don't understand
half of what you're saying.
Oh, Conan doesn't understand
how I speak sometimes.
All right, dude.
Dude? Who calls...
All right, Mom. I love you.
I'll talk to you soon.
Do you know
which way we're heading?
Should I be worried
that we're opening in a town
where nobody lives?
I don't see anybody.
There's nobody here.
It's gonna be all right.
They'll show up.
So, you need a ticket.
Can you hold it up
a little bit for us?
I thought it was...
Stage is this way?
Over cheek area and forehead,
at hairline and temples.
Do not use heavily under cheek.
Will give too much depth
of cheek gaunt.
What does that do?
You're... it just adds color,
gives you a natural glow.
I wish I had a natural glow.
It's not your fault.
How are the Andy Richter
urinal mints selling?
His idea.
- Through the roof.
- Yeah.
People can't wait to pee on you.
He said everybody loves
pissing on my face.
At least get out in front
of a big, you know, crowd again.
It's been... a while.
And... l really miss it.
- Just before the plane crashes...
- Yes.
- The pilots from Aeroflot.
- One, two, three.
Hush now, child
Don't you cry
Your folks
might understand you
By and by
Just move on up
Towards your destination
Though you may find
from time to time complications
Ladies and gentlemen,
live in Eugene, Oregon,
it's Conan O'Brien!
Thank you for that.
That feels good.
I've been off the air for 31/2 months.
I missed applause.
This is... I got to tell you,
it's very nice.
There are eight stages
of mourning the loss
of your talk show.
Stage two... blame myself.
Folks, I didn't spend
a lot of time on that stage,
'cause what the hell did I do?
Yeah. So...
No. I blew past this stage,
and I went right to stage three...
blame everyone else around me.
I blamed everybody
and everything,
and this led to stage four... anger.
I was really, really angry.
And I wasn't just angry
that I wasn't on television anymore.
I was mad that I'm not on TV,
but other people still are.
That's right. Other people
still get to be on television,
but not Conan O'Brien.
Now, I don't want to be petty
and name names,
but what I will do
is show you photos of them
as I name their names.
And then, finally,
there's that last step...
that last step
that makes all the difference,
the step where you
win your esteem back.
You wake up one day,
you put on your clothes,
you pull yourself together,
you grow a pair, you look in the mirror,
and you get your ass
to Eugene, Oregon!
That's what you do!
This is a cool opportunity for me.
This is my opportunity
to tell you who I am,
how I grew up,
and how I came to be.
Do you want to hear this story?
It's a pretty good story.
You do?
Let's have some music, Jim.
Now, I'm gonna need a little more help
with this, ladies and gentlemen.
So, right now please welcome,
for the first time
on this stage or any stage,
the Coquettes!
Oh, my God.
You know, since this is a tour,
we were thinking about calling
them the Tourettes,
but they kept shouting, "Fuck."
It was kind of weird.
All right, I'm gonna tell you
a little something about me.
I don't know if anyone's
ever been back East much.
You've been back East much?
I come from a place
called Brookline, Massachusetts.
It's an affluent suburb of Boston.
It was pretty tough
growing up in Brookline,
'cause most people...
most people were upper-class.
But we... we were
upper middle-class.
It was hell.
My mama, my poor, old mama,
my sainted mama...
I love my mama,
but she had it tough.
You see, my mama is a lawyer
at Ropes & Gray Law Firm
in downtown Boston.
She specializes in tax and trusts,
and she made partner really quickly.
Pulls in a lot of money.
Did very well for herself.
And my daddy...
my daddy was no good.
My daddy is no good.
My daddy works
at Brigham Women's Hospital.
He's a microbiologist.
He studies infectious diseases.
He's done a lot of work
with the World Health Organization.
Real white trash.
Back in eastern Brookline
Pretty alligators are so mean
There lived a young girl
who, I swear to the world
Made the alligators look tame
Polk Salad Annie
Gators got your granny
Gators got your granny
Everybody said it was a shame
That my mama was working
on a chain-gang
' I
Well, by now a lot of you
have figured out
that this song
is pretty much bullshit.
This song is bullshit
Yeah, it's just a song
about growing up poor
in the South that I always liked.
And I wanted to sing it,
so kind of fudged the facts a little bit.
Two things and only two things
will get you out of a song like this.
That's right.
I'm talking strobe lights
and crazy movement!
Gonna have me a mess of
I want to have a Polk salad
My mama shopped at Whole Foods
My daddy had a good job
Everybody, yeah, yeah
Gonna have Polk salad
Ha! Yeah!
The Coquettes,
ladies and gentlemen!
Thank you, Eugene!
Thank you, thank you.
That's that.
What'd you think?
We have to do 44 more of those,
so I got to tone it down, maybe.
I don't know.
- How do you feel?
- I don't feel that euphoria.
I don't know.
I just... I like doing it,
and then when it's done,
you're just, like...
Everyone's just focused
on what could be better,
what could be fixed,
which is good.
That's how you get it
to be better.
But it's like... so, it's not like,
"Yeah! Let's all high-five each other."
It's really good
to have one done, though.
I have to say that.
I just don't know
how we're gonna do more of them.
It looks all right.
Great job, Bill.
Good to see you.
How are you?
Hey. How are you?
Hey. How are you?
Good to see you.
Here's the thing that really got me.
At the end, you're going up the alley.
- Went right behind me, right?
- Right.
You came back down,
you kissed a girl.
You came down, you kissed a guy.
- Right. Of course.
- The row behind me.
The guy says.
"Now I can die happy."
You really looked happy, man.
Oh, I was thrilled... yeah, just thrilled.
You got to pack it up and go.
You're going to Vancouver tomorrow?
You got another show tomorrow?
How you doing?
Good night, everybody!
Are you going to check in
and see what the press is saying,
or are you going to avoid it?
- What's your plan?
- I don't read that stuff.
He's never read it.
No. I'm fine, thanks.
I've never read it.
He's never read it.
It's pointless to do that.
Because it's...
at the end of the day, it's all opinions.
- The online buzz...
- Yeah.
That's all I like to hear.
And I'm like, "Good. Let's move on."
We got to keep moving
and evolving this show.
I like this part, you know?
I like the travel aspect of it.
I like the adventure of it.
I love walking around a city
for the first time.
You know, when aliens come...
When aliens come,
they're gonna land there,
'cause they're gonna think
that's where our leader lives.
Come on now.
What am I always
hitting people for?
It's not acceptable.
It's not acceptable.
I like that. One in two shows
by popular demand.
How do we get back to that
where we came from?
I know a lot of people came to Vegas
this weekend to see the fight,
but I think this is
the main event tonight.
Audience... Bleh! Bloviate.
I could do the scene for you.
I can do that.
What's that?
Did you talk over me again?
Get your radar straight.
Seriously, man.
When Mozart's playing the old 88s,
you don't sit on his lap
and play "Chopsticks."
- Ooh, wow.
- I might be a fucking genius,
and I might be
the biggest dick ever.
I don't know.
Or maybe both.
That's what Patton was.
- Napoleon.
- Maybe.
- Clemenceau.
- Pulitzer.
About 15-ish.
Hello, Las Vegas.
How's everybody doing?
You ready?
What else is forbidden?
I'll tell you what's forbidden.
This is how crazy this thing got
between me and NBC.
It got so crazy,
anyone who even looks like me
can't be on television right now.
Yes. It's true.
Yeah. Say good-bye
to the Wendy's girl.
She can't exist right now.
Say good-bye
to Jimmy Neutron.
Jimmy Neutron's gone.
And, of course, say farewell
to Oscar-winning actress
Tilda Swinton.
She's just out of here.
Are you looking
for a good time?
I mean a really good time?
The kind of good time
where you wake up
with body glitter in your mouth
and the smell of grandma
on your clothes?
Then look no further than
Las Vegas' oldest topless bar.
Located north of the Strip,
opened in '72,
which is also the average age
of their dancers.
These fossilized beauties
give new meaning
to the term "flappers."
40 days
40 days!
40 days
40 days!
I'm gonna see that you
get back home in 40 days
40 days!
I'm gonna put up
a charge against you
That'll be the very thing
that'll send you, Vegas
See you get your ass
back home in 40 days
40 days
40 days!
40 days!
40 days!
40 days
40 days!
40 days
40 days!
I'm gonna see that you
get back home in 40 days
40 days!
Gonna bring
a charge against you
That'll be the very thing
that'll send you
I'm gonna see you back home
in 40 days
40 days
Gonna see you back home
in 40 days
- Vegas.
- Vegas.
Are people
happy with that show?
Nobody was unhappy.
You know something?
That night when you were talking
about how angry you sometimes feel
and how you're kind of
working that out in the show
and a lot of, you know...
Well, now that you've been doing it,
has that changed at all?
It feels really good to go out
and perform in front of people...
and be in contact with people that are
enthusiastic about me and what I do,
and so that's obviously
healthy or feels good.
And then there are other times
where I'll just...
be back at the hotel, and I'll be thinking
about what went down
with those, you know, people at NBC,
and I'll be really mad
about it all over again.
So, yeah, I think it's... that'll...
It's gonna take a little while.
It's like a gallstone.
It just has to work its way
through my urethra.
And eventually that stone
and a little bit of blood
will drop into the toilet, and...
I'll be done with those fuckers.
Have you seen
the new In Touch magazine?
It's time to really kick things
up a notch now.
Please welcome our friend
Mr. Eddie Vedder.
Out here in the fields
I fight for my meals
I get my back into my living
Well, I don't need to fight
To prove I'm right
I don't need to be forgiven
No, no, no, no, no, no
Oh, my God!
What the hell was that?!
I will never let Eddie Vedder
borrow my tambourines again.
This is a big show.
It's a big show, yeah.
It started out as a small idea,
and it kept getting bigger and bigger.
Where'd you get
these musical chops?
What's the difference
between doing it here
and doing it in front
of a live audience in New York?
Are you making
any money on this?
Yeah, I hope so.
How's your voice holding up?
It's so far, so good.
It's not the show.
It's the interviews right after
the show that are killing me.
Let's get to that fake birthday party.
Oh, what an awkward situation.
This is the exact opposite
of what I wanted.
This is great!
This is amazing!
I've always wanted to have a 47th birthday
with "60 Minutes" here,
and this is such an intimate way
to celebrate my birth.
How are you?
Good to see you, pal.
This'll be good TV, see.
We'll get B-roll of the old birthday.
Yes, it's really good!
Happy birthday to you
Happy birthday, dear Conan
Happy birthday to you
Happy birthday
Now shut up.
Like, I ran into someone
on the street, and he said,
"Yeah, a friend of mine said
he asked you for an autograph,
and you, like, blew him off,"
and I said, "That's not possible."
I said it with authority,
like the way you would say,
"A friend of mine said you shot at him
with your .22 handgun."
"That's not possible."
It's Conan O'Brien's birthday.
I can't leave the venue right now.
Can you explain... will you go outside
and get that from him and I'll sign it?
I have no authority here.
Thank you, one guy.
You're done in this business.
He asked if you could use
the red pen on that one.
Oh. A controlling dick.
I've never denied anybody anything.
Okay, and you want me
to sign your back?
- Yes.
- Okay. Why?
So I can get it tattooed. It's my first
one, so it's gonna be really special.
Dah! Paparazzi!
That's why, you know, it's important...
like, you're really nice.
Sona's really nice to people on the phone
and sort of warm and personal,
and I think a lot of people
can't get to me.
That's important if the person
who's my voice to the outside world
is telling people to...
like, being cold.
I just think that's huge.
- It's a compliment?
- I complimented you.
Thank you.
How long
did you drive to be here?
Well, I drove seven hours to Calgary
and then like three here.
Just to come see the show?
- Yeah.
- Oh, get in here, man. Jesus. Uh.
Now, what's your...
you had a situation here?
I had this I.D. card that I bought specifically
so I could see this, 'cause I am 18.
So, what's the problem?
I wrote my learner's and passed it two
days ago, and they took my I.D. card away.
I'm just wondering if they're gonna Jew me
and not let me in here.
If they're gonna what?
They're gonna gyp me
and not let me in here.
And that would just not be cool
after getting a ticket.
I've been really excited to see this.
- Right. Okay. Okay.
- Yeah.
Okay, I'll just have to look
past the anti-Semitic remark.
I love Mel Gibson, dude.
Uh, wow. Okay, now I
don't think I want to let you in.
No, no, no, no.
Have to promise to never use
that expression again.
Okay, I promise.
Jeff Ross!
Can you come here for a sec?
Now, I'm gonna tell you something.
My producer's Jewish.
So, when you start saying... when you start
saying, "I got jewed out of something,"
and you're asking my producer,
who's Jewish, and I'm half-Jewish...
so, this kid has a situation where
he's driven like 60 hours to get here.
- And?
- And he doesn't have his government I.D.
that will get him into the casino.
Now these guys are saying
he can't come in.
I don't know if there's anyone here
at the casino we can ask.
Conan's vocal
Don't have enough Conan's vocal
Hold on. Dave?
Testing, testing.
Welcome to it.
I do feel like we've been arrested at the border
and asked to wait in this room. Don't you?
What happened to us, Andy?
We'll get a giant poster of Jay Leno.
- No.
- Eee!
Well, 'cause everyone
who's performed here has a poster.
Oh. Eee!
It actually says that
when you walk by.
Apply it with the brush
and then tap it in with your finger.
- I will. I will. I will. Please.
- Oh. Okay.
- Covering up the eye vein...
- Oh, boy.
That most people love,
buy you guys insist I cover.
You are aging wonderfully, Millicent.
I'm ready to meet my groom.
Send him in.
You use whichever
makes you feel prettiest.
If it's blowing off
like that, it's too much.
I think I know... would you get
your arm out of the mirror?
- You insane Armenian.
- Oh, my God!
Did you see her lunge at me
with a cutlass?
How much more deodorant
do you need?
I want more.
Is it like one for each armpit?
You know what I do?
I pretend they're awards.
Out when I get naked.
- Oh, no.
- Sorry.
Hey, I'm sorry I said that shit about you
in the Edmonton Gazette.
Don't be sorry.
It needed to be said.
But you're not a fucking asshole
who's the worst piece of shit
that anyone's ever seen.
When do I do my meet and greet?
What? Don't be nervous.
I've, like, loved you for so long.
- Oh, really? You have?
- Yes.
- All right, well...
- I love you.
Well, thank you so much.
No. Truly, I love you.
She won't send you...
I'll make sure...
- It was awesome. And it was fun.
- Oh, good.
I'm telling people
this is my prom photo.
This won't go well.
Oh, yay! Yay!
This is weird.
I just heard about this.
There's a WME...
William Morris Endeavor's
throwing a party before the show.
I'll do a show for them before the show,
blow out my voice.
My inherent neediness will dominate.
I'm just gonna make it
my mandate not to talk.
How are you? Good to see you.
Hi. How are you?
I really...
I just really love it.
There's like a...
it sounds crass,
but kind of like a Make-A-Wish Foundation
element to the whole thing.
Like, Conan's got 3 months to live.
Let's not tell him, but let's let him have
this complete fantasy.
How are you?
Very nice to meet you.
How are you?
Good to see you.
How are you?
Yes, I do.
Hi. How are you?
Nice to see you.
The chairman
of Warner Bros. Television.
Ah, yes, very nice to meet you.
I'm not used to...
They told me, like, yeah,
they have a party before the show,
and I said, "Before the show?"
This is Nellie Andreeva, who writes...
she writes nice things about you.
- Oh, thank you so much.
- You got to go.
- What's that?
- They want you backstage.
I know this guy. How are you?
How are you?
Everything okay?
Let's have a new rule
about parties before the show.
It's just... I'm out
there, like, working it.
I'm like, "This is fucked up."
Well, it doesn't... okay.
- Hey.
- Oh, no.
- I smell... I smell wet hay.
There he is.
Yay, yay-
Did you get my e-mail?
You don't read your e-mails?
How are you?
Great to see you.
- So, have you...
- I e-mailed him, but he doesn't read e-mails.
- I didn't get the e-mail.
- Oh, for God's sake.
Gee, gawrsh, what's an e-mail?
Doing, doing, doing.
Get him.
Get him, Jon Hamm.
- Doing, doing, doing.
- We're best friends.
No, look at this.
Check this out.
Oh, yeah.
That is so stupid.
That's called the toilet, Jack.
What a rube.
We'll just do a little...
little tune here.
It's a song I wrote
about Jack McBrayer.
You stupid hick
You were born in shit
- Oh, that's not nice.
- What?
But, anyway, there's a whole part
about a mule calling you on the phone.
Why am I working this hard
before a show?
I don't know.
I'm not sure I know.
Hey, Jon, guess who I'm doing.
: Hey, Jon,
you want to go out and try and get...
Jim Nabors. Jim Nabors.
No. Keep thinking.
Hey, I love Los Feliz, too.
These will save my throat.
Do you have any cocaine?
- What is wrong with you?
- Come on.
- He's changed.
- I need it.
I had a different Jack McBrayer
on the phone.
Okay, he can't help...
Stop it!
Ha ha ha, I can't help it.
How come you get
to hang out with him?
There's such an inequality.
- I don't want to sound rude.
- Too late.
But it is. It's like watching
the Monopoly money guy
walking around with a pig on a leash.
It's ridiculous.
Come on.
Will you say that this is crazy
for me to be doing this before a show?
Well, who's in control of things
around here?
No, you can't put this on Sona.
She's like 18.
So far, it's been the most fun
I've had in show business.
Crazy. Who has a party for...
Who does that?
Who entertains people
before a show?
I want to find someone.
Jeff's acting like, "I didn't do this."
I'm like, "Aren't you fucking in charge?"
- I think you're in charge.
- I'm tired now.
Voice. Voice.
Walk of death. Let's do it.
Guys, follow me.
But I'm telling you guys something.
Doing this tour is a huge milestone
for me... huge milestone for me.
And I will tell you why.
I will tell you why.
This is the first time
in my 20-year television career
that anyone has paid to see me.
Isn't that amazing?
First time anyone's paid to see me.
Oh, don't get me wrong.
They've paid to make me go away.
It was good, right?
Yes, it was good.
I think I lost 30 pounds on that one.
I'm what they called
in vaudeville a sweat act.
We're gonna have a problem.
- What's that?
- There's always an excuse for me to talk.
Like, "Well, it would be good if you run this
phone call. It'd be good if you came by.
It'd be good if you talk to these people.
It would really help.
It'll just take 10 minutes. It'll
take 15 minutes." But it never does.
You could shoot me in the left lung
and I'll do this show,
but if I lose my voice, we're done.
Everyone's thrilled.
- They're all outside.
- I'll go say hi.
That was fantastic.
That was so much fun.
We melted minds.
Thank you so much.
It doesn't matter if it's frickin' U2.
If I go to a concert,
I always have this intense compulsion
to go onstage, no matter who's onstage.
Invariably, security
gets in the way. Yeah.
I'm gonna tell people
that you just showed up.
- I can't stop him.
- What the hell?
Thanks for having me.
Thank you for doing it.
This was amazing.
I'm gonna take a hot tub.
You go right ahead.
- That was amazing.
- I had so much fun.
So fun to see that.
- Hi.
- Here we go.
Get the hot tub going.
- Hey. How are you?
- Hey. Thanks so much.
Hey, how are you?
Good to see you.
- Great job.
- Am I in trouble if I don't...
Can I go do this
and then come back?
Yeah, yeah, you can do this.
Now I go do the meet and greet.
- Oh, do it.
- It's the part that makes it all happen.
It's all right.
- Hey, how are you?
- I have a bromance with you.
I've always just kind of wanted
to run away and join the circus,
and that's what this show is.
One, two, and three.
Now, I made you
some cookies, Conan.
Now, I know...
and it's not poisonous.
On three.
One, two, and three.
- Thank you for liking what I do.
- Whoo!
You make us so happy.
At the end of the day...
Oh, that's...
That's, at the end of the day,
that's all I've ever wanted.
- Are you gonna bring...
- And money and real estate.
- Hey, guys.
- Hey, that was amazing.
I can't shut up, so I will talk to cab
drivers for 40 minutes when I don't have to.
How do we get to each...
Hey. So, this is Karen Lee.
Hi. How are you?
Nice to meet you.
Nice to see you.
Oh, hey, how are you?
- Hi. Tab.
- How are you?
- Nice to see you.
- This is Sydney.
Hi, Coco.
Hi. How are you?
- Nice to see you.
- Nice to see you.
This is my cousin Leonard.
- Hey, how you doing?
- Nice to meet you.
Nice to see you.
This is my Auntie April.
Hi, precious.
How are you?
Do you see any pizza on my face?
No, I don't see any pizza.
- This is my mama.
- Hi. How are you?
- How are you?
- Good. Good. Good.
You have such a talented,
amazing daughter.
Mom, Mom, get on the other side.
Treat the man right.
Get my good side now.
I don't have a good side.
Let's use the real camera.
Yeah, right. Right.
Not something that's really a phone.
One, two...
Did it work out?
- Really nice to meet you.
- Pleasure.
- Thanks a lot.
- Nice to see you.
- Nice meeting you guys.
- Nice meeting you.
- Thank you.
- Sit, sit, sit, sit.
Because it's the fucking craziness
afterwards that is kind of killing me.
It's not the show
that's gonna kill me.
And there's this whole culture
of backstage,
and, you know, I have real friends
that I want to talk to,
but other people just come in,
and I don't even know them.
Let's have a system...
Where's Jeff Ross?
We start it with Jeff Ross.
This is not your job.
- This is ridiculous.
- Yeah, but I could be like, "Hey, you got to go."
And then you could be like, "Ooh."
I could be very authoritative.
I'm gonna make you a tea...
a throat coat.
- Mom.
- Yes, throat coat.
No, you don't have to...
Don't make me a throat...
I don't want to drink that shit.
- Seriously.
- You want it with chamomile?
No. You know what I want to do?
Not talk to 100 people, you know,
who I don't even know,
not have each Coquette
bring in 35 people.
I'd like somebody to help me.
People take the hinges off the door,
and everybody from the audience
comes in here afterwards
and want different combinations of photos.
"I want a photo.
Now I want a photo
where you can string dance.
Can you hold this banana?
It's a private joke
with my friend from lowa."
See which Coquette that is.
We're going in.
There we are, man.
Borgata. Atlantic City.
We're gonna hit it,
we're gonna quit it.
Two shows. One night.
- How are you?
- Good.
Good. I got to go do
some meet and greet.
- I'll be right back.
- Okay.
Think I'll give a little piece
of my soul away.
One, two, and three.
And I know she definitely
wants one one-on-one.
You made this.
Thank you so much.
Do you have any advice
how to get our children into Episcopal?
Idiot! Stupid...
Fat little man.
- Is that frickin' pizza?
- It's frickin' pizza.
What's this?
Is this a telegram?
It's from Jay Leno.
"Hope stand-up's going well.
Ha ha. See, it's not so hard after all.
Anyone can do it.
What's it like to have a soul?"
I don't even know what he's...
Oh, they're hardcore about
the support for Conan O'Brien.
"We told The Chin
on his recent trip there..."
What the fuck?
"Masturbating bear pizza."
- No way.
- "Conan is a hero in our eyes.
He honorably stepped down,
poked a little fun all the way,
and dignifiedly let The Chin place himself
on a pedestal of garbage."
I'm not making this up.
This is real.
Who is this for?
This one's Goldie Olson.
"This is a huge and monumental day
in the history of Atlantic City,
and everyone should roll out the red carpet
for our old Irish pal."
It looks like terrible, terrible pizza.
Anyway, the point is,
I'm feeling pretty sexy right now.
You know how it works.
Sexy man on tour
equals groupies.
I'm looking for some
Coco groupies right now.
We got to find some.
My friend Andy Richter
has a camera,
and Andy is gonna
scan the crowd right now,
and he's gonna find us
some groupies.
Yes, okay.
Oh, my goodness.
Whoo! Please keep it...
What are you doing?
Are you spanking a pony?
What are you doing?
Oh, God.
I don't think we sell that t-shirt.
Hey. What the fuck?
Wait a minute.
What is that?
He knows how to work it.
- Whoo!
- I like your hair.
Wait. Oh, my God.
I would.
Hey, it's me.
I'm just calling you in between...
in between shows.
10 minutes, Conan.
Sona, 10 minutes.
See that crowd right there?
That's the crowd tonight.
That's tonight's crowd.
I'm like, "Hey, how you folks doing?"
Yeah! Kick 'em in the face!
Oh, sweet powder.
Protect my skin, powder.
Absorb all moistures.
Oh, powder.
Sweet powder.
Paint the illusion
my skin is dry.
Oh, powder.
Shut the fuck up.
You got a show to do.
Oh, powder.
I can't... I can't breathe.
your natural enemy is sweat.
I walked away
from the greatest franchise in history
'cause I refused
to go on at midnight,
and here I am on at midnight.
Hey, folks,
how you doing tonight?
We're great.
Okay, that was horrible.
How are you doing tonight?
We're great!
Are you enjoying the show so far?
Yeah, it's fine.
It's fine?
It's fine?
I'm trying to give you
the best show I can.
If I'm not doing something
you want to see,
you got to tell me right now.
Kiss LaBamba!
Kiss him
like he's your girlfriend
and you've been on a submarine
for six months.
Let's get out of here.
Let's make like a cold wind and blow.
Another day, another dollar.
On the road again
I just can't wait
to get on the road again
The life I love is making music
with my friends
I can't wait to get on the road again
Why are we stopped here?
I'm getting off this goddamned bus
and finding out what's happening.
Boy, this will be good.
Okay, Sona, what's happening?
Why did the bus stop?
How are you?
What's your name?
- Elaine.
- Elaine.
- Oh, my God.
- Hey, Lindsay.
- How are you?
- I'm Jen.
How's it going?
We're headed to Boston.
I have a band, and...
So, I do comedy,
but then I jump in with them
'cause I play guitar and sing,
and we do...
it's a mix.
I like your glasses.
Those are cool.
- You like this?
- Yeah. Yeah.
Take care.
Nice to meet you.
Nice to meet you.
Keep the bling.
Get more bling.
Yeah, we wish you all the best.
I'm sorry they did what they did.
No, you know what?
I was sorry at the time, too,
and then it turns out to be...
I wouldn't have been able...
I wouldn't have been able
to do the tour.
We're headed to Martha's Vineyard.
Ooh, that's gonna be nice.
Can we pray for you?
- Can you what?
- Pray for you?
Oh, pray for me?
Sure, you can.
Dear God, I thank you, Father,
for this moment, oh, God,
for allowing us to meet Conan O'Brien,
Lord, on our journey, Father,
but I'm asking, oh, God,
that you open doors for this man, oh, God,
that his finances
are in your hands, oh, God.
Keep him safe and his family, God.
Bless him unconditionally,
in Jesus' name. Amen.
That's really beautiful.
- Thank you for doing that.
- Take care.
There's a reason why you're here
and we're here.
I can't wait to get
on the road again
Dear God, please let me
have a show again
So, we'll stay over
after the second Boston show,
leave in the afternoon
as late as possible,
probably 3:00
to go to Uncasville,
where we're on
after the basketball game.
Then we'll overnight
after that to Nashville.
It's an 11-hour drive.
Can we talk about Bonnaroo
for two minutes?
Oh, nice.
The dressing-room situation
is very primitive.
One of the van buses
will be backstage.
That's fine.
You look at me.
- I'm a road dog now.
- I know.
Don't you worry about me.
I'll piss in a bucket,
I'll shit in your hat.
It doesn't matter to me.
I know you don't enjoy
"Rock this Town,"
but I have more fun doing that
than anything else,
and I'm entitled to have some fun.
Yeah, but at whose expense?
Bye-bye, Beantown.
There are showers in here,
but they look very suspicious.
I'm not sure I love
these Wang showers.
I'm suspicious, but I think
I have to take a shower.
What's the worst
that could happen?
- Thank you.
- Thanks, Conan.
No pictures, guys.
No pictures, guys.
No pictures, guys.
No pictures, guys.
No pictures.
They don't let us keep
these buses here.
Bye, Conan!
See you guys in a while.
Hi, Mr. O'Brien.
My name's Andy.
Just don't speak to me.
All right, I won't.
Don't worry.
The entire ride home, don't worry.
I won't say a word to you.
you lived here
for 20 years of your life,
and you have an emotional
connection with this town?
I really like this town.
But I didn't...
I'm not from here, so I never felt
like this was my home.
But now I don't even feel
like Boston's my home.
Los Angeles doesn't really feel
like my home.
I don't know where my home is.
- Hey, Chelsea.
- Hi. How are you?
Would you like to do
any photos or anything?
It it okay to do
one of these things?
I can...
- But you won't?
- Okay.
What the fuck?
You do that, you do this.
It's all about moving these hips.
I love Flight of the Conchords.
- Oh, thank you.
- So nice to meet you.
Nice to meet you, too.
Um, let me see
if he's still talking to her.
- Oh, hi.
- Hi. How are you?
- Good. I'm Kristen.
- Hi.
- Nice to meet you.
- It's nice to meet you, too.
I just wanted
to give you a present.
Look at that.
That's great.
Thanks, dude.
All right, bye.
You think David Hockney's queer?
No. I said it's hot in here.
I haven't talked to Sweeney yet
about the plan with Colbert.
Is it a surprise?
Is he just gonna walk onstage?
I don't... This is the least re...
I mean, there's no rehearsal.
- I hereby grant to you...
- No!
- Right. You do one of those.
- That's great.
So, they know to stop the music
when you get hurt?
Do they know to stop...
No. I'm gonna tell them.
Conan O'Brien.
You challenge me...
Then I give you another.
So, you dance first. Right.
Then I... then maybe we go together.
And then, Jon... you walk out
and you stop it.
You stop the music.
Okay, you should get ready.
Andy comes out and shoots Jon.
- Andy shoots Jon.
- Wait, what?
That's a bit lazy.
Does anyone here think
that seems a bit lazy?
That was
a big milestone to get past...
I mean, to do, you know?
Radio City, New York.
- Thanks for holding the elevator.
- Yeah, thanks for doing that.
Oh, no problem.
No problem, Mr. O'Brien.
Conan. Call me Conan.
- Yes, sir.
- See? "Sir."
He called me "sir."
No one calls me "sir."
I don't call you "sir."
Talk to me for a second.
- Hey-
- Hey-
It seemed good.
You gave this audience so much.
They have no faces left.
- Oh, my.
- What is it?
No, they just have barricades up
'cause there's quite
a few people out there.
Here we go.
I'm not going to bed.
Oh, no, no, no, no.
You are not going out.
Yeah, I'm not.
I can't go to bed.
I'm not gonna go home...
Jeff, you don't get it.
I can't go from this
to doing what?
Sitting and reading a Kindle?
That's not gonna fucking happen.
Hey. Hey, buddy!
- Hi. How are you?
- How are you?
Hi. Thanks for coming.
You guys are awesome.
Guys, I can sign things.
It's kind of hard to take photos
with everybody, you know.
- Come on.
- Oh, you mean just for you, you mean?
You're the nicest guy.
Come on.
That guy said
that was the only one.
Oh, so I guess
that guy was lying.
I guess that guy was a dick.
Guys, we're done
with the pictures, 'cause...
"Come on!"
Is that your catchphrase?
You can keep saying,
"Come on, come on,"
but it's really
not coming across too well.
Can we get a picture?
It's much easier to sign stuff.
Hey, everybody, I got to go.
Thank you so much!
See you.
Can you shut that fucking door?
- Thank you.
- Take care. See you, man.
From here on in, I want to make sure
that the days off are really days off.
I Bagpipes playing 1
Why do I feel
like a fireman died?
We are 2 minutes away to start.
Oh, there's a TV
over there in the corner.
Does someone want to monitor
what the show's...
How far are we
into the schedule?
Please tell me. How much further
do we have to go?
- Top of page 2.
- And where am I?
It doesn't really matter how many.
- Stop saying that.
- It's 10-minute...
It's how many 10-minute
performances before you.
We're dead. It's over.
I want everyone on the bus.
We're getting out of here.
This is crazy.
It's gonna be 11:30.
What's happening now?
What's happening?
68 minutes from now,
you will take the stage.
- 68 minutes from now?
- 68 minutes from now,
if they stick
to the schedule closely.
I need a cab.
I'm going to the Four Seasons Hotel.
I would give that a 20% upside.
I'm goin' to Baltimore
Far from this opera
forever more
Oh, not a mime. No.
40 minutes behind schedule.
I thought it was
a bad idea to have...
What if I run right now...
Just said, "This has to... Stop it."
Just stop it.
Just stop it.
Come on
Well, my baby and me
We went out last Saturday night
I had my hair piled high
My baby, she looked so right
Well, pick you up at 10:00,
have you home by 2:00
Mama don't know
what's in store for you
That's all right
We're looking
as good as can be
Well, we're gonna rock this town
Rock it inside out
Yeah, we gonna rock this town
Gonna make you swing and shout
Rock, rock, rock, rock
Rock till we pop,
we're gonna roll till we drop
I'm gonna rock this town
And rip this place apart
Hold my hand.
Takeoff's always the hardest part.
- Your vocal?
- I couldn't hear it great, actually.
It's better now.
Oooh, well
Why don't you try it?
Ohh, Well
One, two flights,
three flights, four
Five, six, seven flights,
eight flights more
That's the time
I'm starting to drag
15th floor, I'm ready to sag
Get to the top,
I'm too tired to rock
One, two flights,
three flights, four
Five, six, seven flights,
eight flights more
About this time
I'm starting to drag
15th floor, I'm ready to sag
Get to the top
and I'm too tired to rock
Jack White!
I think that's it.
I'm going to the hospital now.
Sorry I missed you.
Ah, it's too small a space.
One thing. No photos.
One thing. No photos.
One thing. Hello.
Speak English?
One thing. No photos.
Right on.
One thing. No photos.
One thing. No photos.
It's actually my shirt.
Thank you.
It's like being in a zoo.
Ooh, drum tower!
I hate these.
I think these look like shit.
- They don't look good.
- They don't look good.
I'm a known human being.
I can't be seen looking like this.
I'm gonna look like a freak.
- Andy...
- You look good. You look good.
It's all a fashion thing, Andy.
For Christ's sake.
And I can't wear a white hat
if you're wearing a white hat.
Oh, good.
It's miserable again.
This is ours
until right after the show.
- What about that?
- You want to do... anything you want.
This is all stuff
I bought for you for today.
Don't talk to me like I'm a child.
Don't put up with it.
Just stand up for yourself.
"Raw" suit?
Oh, poor Conan.
People started lining up today
at 5:30 for this show.
So, we're gonna do a bunch
of jokes about saps?
15 minutes ago, they told me
the air-conditioning went out in this tent.
It's like we're doing comedy
in a Native American sweat lodge.
This is great. In 6 months,
I've gone from hosting "The Tonight Show"
to performing at a refugee camp.
You seem to want to get
a picture close up.
Do you? Do you want
to get a closer picture?
Come on up.
That's okay. That's all right.
It's all fine.
Let's get a picture together.
Right here.
Let's turn this way.
Oh, my God.
Oh, my God. Oh, my God.
Right here.
This is all Bonnaroo, baby.
I love you.
Where are you going?
Come back.
Two words to you, buddy.
You're amazing.
Why? Why today
and not any other day?
I'll tell you later.
You will?
That's me. Whenever I hear
someone say "That was amazing,"
I think, "What was wrong
with the other ones?"
He got stopped, of course.
When I first met Jack,
it was a couple years
before the White Stripes hit,
and I was in a bowling alley in Detroit.
Conan, we got to run.
I know.
Just give me one second.
- I guess you're good?
- Thank you, Missy.
- This is Nella Page.
- Oh, my goodness.
As in Jimmy,
and that's Alex Lennon.
Good. Great. Thank you.
I mean, can it be something as easy
as just coming out and saying,
"How's everybody doing? Blah.
You can be louder. Blah."
And then be like, "Here. Here's
the fucking nuts" or something.
I mean, couldn't it be just like, literally,
"How you doing?", one joke and then...
Again, I don't think you're contractually
obligated to do bits out there.
No, it's not that.
I'm always disheartened
when the people that actually made
the arrangement are never here.
Right. Right.
No one's here. Nobody ever knows
what the fuck they're talking about.
It's always, "Yeah, yeah, it'll be fine.
It'll be fine. It'll be fine."
And then Jeff's on a plane,
and later he can say,
"I didn't know. I didn't know."
- It's almost over.
- I know.
People keep saying that, but that's
what they said to Anne Frank, you know?
You did not just
compare yourself to Anne Frank.
- You didn't do that.
- We both took a stand.
My point is that I definitely
got signed up for too much.
I know.
And moving forward, you know,
there's a lot of not...
No one's thinking
about burning me out.
Nobody's thinking about it.
And when I burn out and everyone
doesn't have a job anymore,
they're gonna be pissed.
We have to be thinking about,
like, "Wait a minute. Really?
He's doing a whole day with Jack White
and he's doing Bonnaroo
and he's introducing all the acts
and he's gonna stay late
and introduce Jay-Z
and Stevie Wonder?"
Jim is informing me that, you know,
the festival would like more
than just a line or two.
Just... that's been their take all along.
I honestly... I didn't even know
he was introducing
until I e-mailed Jeff two days ago.
I thought he was introducing one act.
One act every three hours.
- Okay.
- I hate Jeff right now.
Let's start at the beginning.
We've got Nas and Goo Goo.
Let's start thinking of funny lines
for Nas and Goo Goo and how to do it,
and then we'll get through that.
Then it's on to the 55 other things
I have to introduce
that someone at WME agreed to
that Jeff checked off on a box.
Do you like reggae
without all the drug-king violence?
You're in the right place.
There's been trouble
down in Sri Lanka.
People told me when a comedian
comes out in front of a festival crowd,
he should keep it short
and get right to the music.
But I'm gonna go a different way.
I'm about to do two hours
on the life of Bess Truman.
Everyone have a seat.
This is gonna take a while.
No, I'm telling you,
all you got to do is say,
"Are you ready to rock?"
Or hip-hop or whatever the fuck it is.
Here we go.
It's Nas and the Nozzles.
No, no, no,
we have some good stuff.
I do a whole thing
about Bess Truman.
- I'll find you later.
- Bess Truman?
Just listen.
All right, this is embarrassing,
but someone's gonna have to help me
write these names on my hand.
'Cause I'm telling you, I'll get out there,
and my life is so fucking crazy,
that's all I need
in front of 70,000 people
is to forget Nas and Jojo.
Just put N-O-Z-Z.
Are you guys ready to rock?
Okay, that's nice,
but not quite accurate.
Are we ready to reggae?
Are you ready to...
and hip-hop.
Yeah, and hip-hop.
Are you ready to get your freak on
in 95% humidity?
Yeah! We be jammin'.
Ladies and gentlemen,
Damian Marley.
And Nas!
How are you?
How do you do?
I do, too. I do, too.
- Why?
- Because it's a habit.
- And sometimes...
- it's all good. It's all good.
I'm cool.
I'm not doing it out of nervousness,
'cause I have complete faith in you.
Are you ready to rock?
Are you ready to laugh?
Well, gentlemen,
good luck to both of you.
Are you ready to rock and laugh
but first urinate?
Who's urinating now?
Ladies and gentlemen,
give it up for Tenacious D!
You have 40,000 people
in the palm of your hand.
It was like seeing Hitler up there,
but like a nicer version.
In just a couple of minutes
is the great Stevie Wonder!
Hi. Damian Marley, please.
Thank you.
Hey. Yeah.
I was just talking to Nas.
That's right.
What are you guys doing?
For take-off and landing,
I need everybody's seat belt on,
shoulder harness attached,
seats upright position,
tables stowed, items stowed,
electronic devices turned off and stowed.
Cabin's pressurized
for your comfort.
If there's a change of pressure,
masks will drop.
If they ever do drop, just pull
so that piece is engaged
and put that mask
over your nose and mouth.
Two fire extinguishers on board.
They're both up front.
One's behind the captain
on the bulkhead,
and the other's
by that main cabin door...
Which part's the bulkhead?
Okay. Thank you very much.
I introduced Nas. What's that?
Damian Marley. Okay.
I introduced them both.
I know Nas.
All right.
Thank you.
Nom, nom, nom.
Oh, my God.
- Oh, come on.
- I know Nas.
I introduced Damian Marley and Nas.
Hey, did you guys see me
introduce Damian Marley and Nas?
Gus, did you see that?
Hey, Jeff?
Did you know that I introduced
Damian Marley and Nas?
- I did know.
- Okay.
- Hey, Andy?
- What?
Did you know that I introduced
Damian Marley and Nas?
- Yeah, I did. I heard that.
- Okay, cool.
That's awesome for you.
I just can't wait to get
on the road again
The life I love
is making music with my friends
I can't wait to get
on the road again
My own show again
I just can't wait to get
my own show again
I'd even take a crappy
primetime show at 10:00
On the road again
The kind with makeup,
lights, and cameramen
On the road again
'Cause I'd really like
to talk to Megan Fox again
Megan Fox again
Wow, there's a traffic jam.
We got to get out and walk.
I'm ready.
It's been a long day.
Oh, hi. Is this Nas?
Hey, it's Conan.
- I'm cool.
- "I'm cool."
- I'm glad you liked it.
- Dude, what'd he ask?
Are you cool or are you uncool?
So, Conan,
who's your hip-hop heroes?
- Well, I guess it would be Nas.
- Yeah.
And if it was reggae,
it would be Damian Marley.
I should probably go pretty soon.
- But anyway...
- All right.
Well, keep it hip-hop,
then, Conan.
Listen, I'll tell you
something, my friend.
A-rap-rap ribbety-rap,
a-rap-rap rabbity rat.
I said, rap-rap ribbety-rap, rap-rap.
I said, a-rap-rap ribbety-rap.
It's got to stop, you know, 'cause
it's... it's very Peter Pan, you know?
It's very, "I'll never grow up,"
you know what I mean?
I'll just jump around
in the Eddie Murphy "Raw" suit forever.
This is the most satisfying thing
I've ever done in show business.
And I've been in show business
since 1985,
and this is the purest hit
of excitement and adrenaline
and everything that I love
about show business, but...
One can see the sickness of it, too.
If I was away all the time...
I mean, I haven't seen my kids in...
It's this weird problem
where I absolutely love this
and I also understand that
this needs to stop pretty soon.
I pulled into Nazareth
I was feelin'
about half past dead
I just need someplace
Where I can lay my head
"Hey, mister, can you tell me
where a man might find a bed?"
He just grinned
and shook my hand
And "No" was all he said
Take a load off, Annie
Take a load for free
Take a load off, Annie
You put the load,
put the load right on me
It's a really exhilarating, therapeutic, ecstatic,
crazy thing to do for any period of time.
There's, like, an elation
to this, you know,
which is coming out of
the utter despair of what happened.
Good night, everybody!
- Congratulations.
- Yeah, you, too.
- Thanks for doing this with me.
- Just doing what you love.
- Thank you for asking me.
- Oh, Jesus Christ, are you kidding?
It's been the best... uh, the best
summer camp I've ever been to.
I know. It was crazy.
I don't know what this was
that just happened.
This is a special thing.
It's chocolate cake.
You don't want to make it
every meal, you know?
Hey, you eat chocolate cake every meal.
You did...
you did a great, great job.
So did you.
You did a great job.
You should be very proud.
You did great.
You really helped me.
See that? I'm crying.
Does it look like I'm crying?
My whole career has been
trying to get closer and closer and closer
to the real gritty core of show business.
You know, I used to have these gigs
where I was in a bungalow with...
thinking of concepts.
I kept thinking, "This isn't it, this
isn't it, this isn't it, this isn't it."
"Saturday Night Live"
felt much closer.
"The Late Night Show"
felt much closer
'cause there's people
in the hallway in horse costumes.
This thing... anyone who knows me
who watches this says,
"Now that's just raw you."
I need to go home and, like, drive my kids
to school, do you know what I mean?
Or have my agent
drive them to school.
Runnin' to-and-fro,
hard workin' at the mill
Never fail in the mail,
yeah, come a rotten bill
Too much monkey business,
too much monkey business
Too much monkey business
for me to be involved in
Salesman talkin' to me,
tryin' to run me up a creek
Say, "You can buy, Go on an' try it,
you can pay me next week, baby"
Too much monkey business,
too much monkey business
Too much monkey business
for me to be involved in
Blond hair, good lookin',
tryin' to get me hooked
Want me to marry, settle down,
and write a book, baby
Too much monkey business,
too much monkey business
Too much monkey business
for me to be involved in
Same thing every day,
gettin' up, goin' to school
No need of me to complainin',
my objections overruled, baby
Too much monkey business,
too much monkey business
Too much monkey business
for me to be involved in
Pay phone, somethin' wrong,
dime gone, will mail
Ought to sue the operator
for tellin' me a tale, baby
Too much monkey business,
too much monkey business
Too much monkey business...
Come on, baby, go, go!
Been to Yokohama
and I've been fightin' in the war
Army bunk, Army chow,
Army clothes, Army car, baby
Too much monkey business,
too much monkey business
Don't need your botheration,
leave me here
Don't need your botheration,
leave me