Coneheads (1993) Movie Script
Where's the Captain, Mr Spock?
He's out there, Doctor.
Out there somewhere in
a thousand cubic parsecs of space.
And there is absolutely nothing
we can do to help him.
Bogey inbound,
500 miles from Rockport.
- Roger, tac-com. You got it too?
- What is it?
I don't know. Signal has it
at 500 miles, inbound real fast.
That's not one of ours.
We've confirmed inbound bogey.
Werewolf, flight camera's now on.
Man, is he moving!
Unidentified aircraft,
you are violating
restricted airspace.
Reduce speed to mach one.
Descend to 3,000 feet and identify,
or we will force you down.
Bogey not responding.
He's walking away fast.
Suggest Air National Guard intercept.
This is Cowboy. I got a lock-on.
Request permission to fire.
You are cleared to fire.
Mebs, you should've activated
the cloaking device.
I cannot remember everything!
He's disappeared.
He's just disappeared!
Greetings.
- You need a room?
- Correct.
Fill out an application.
Just a form.
I seek out techno-industrial sector
where I can purchase
two simlats of platinum paste.
This time of night, huh?
Gee, let's see.
See, I'm kinda new to the area.
Where can I obtain a helium grafting
device operable at eight fathoms?
The day guy knows this area
really good. I can't help you.
- Is this a double occupancy?
- Correct. That is my mate.
Yeah, right. I'm sure she is.
That's... That's fine. OK.
Will that be cash or charge?
How will you pay for the room?
We shall remunerate
with metallic tender-discs.
- Correct.
- This is fine.
This is a primitive device.
We need one with the right components
to contact Remulak.
The Highmaster
will be displeased about our ship.
Affirmative. He will surely
cut off my plarg and hand it to me.
But do not despair.
We will be rescued.
Until then, we must adapt.
When the hydrogen droplets
have ceased,
we will live undetected
amongst the blunt skulls.
Beldar, how can we live
among the blunt skulls?
We will blend in.
My goodness, Mike Sanders. Wow.
Here's the man
that made it happen last match.
Hey, Otto, this dude's
almost as fast as you are.
No, this boy is the best.
Shows up on time,
gives me an honest day's work.
You can't find people like this.
That's right.
White boys and the brothers
show up late, loaf around.
- All they want is a cheque.
- I heard that.
Here is your Superjuicemaster.
Frequent cleaning of blades
will prevent wear
and accumulation of bacteria.
I told you, he's good.
If I could find three more like him,
I could retire.
It is time for midday cessation of
activities for protein-carbo intake.
- Sure. Take your lunch break.
- Lunch. Lunch.
The boy loves to eat.
Lunch. Lunch.
Greetings, earthwoman.
Time for midday consumption
of mass quantities.
I have re-radiated
leftover starch disc.
Pizza. I will enjoy it.
There. Warning. Do not sear
the top of your neck hole
in the molten lactate extract
of hoofed mammals.
Excellent. The final component
for the intergalactic communicator.
Correct.
There.
Perhaps tighten
the spiral dimension fasteners.
Beldar, activate the device!
Inform Marlax of our situation.
There is no advantage to delay.
Verscrub.
Phone home!
Omglath Marlax.
We haven't heard from you
in clarsogs.
I'm glad your life functions
are active.
Greetings, Marlax.
I trust you have enslaved the planet.
Unanticipated failure
of mentaglion drive
has caused us to
abandon our vessel in a fluid mass.
At what time coordinates
can we expect a rescue vessel?
Rescue vessel? You tarpaath!
I'd not like to be in your cone
when the Highmaster hears this.
He will not take it lightly.
I'll arrange for a starcruiser
to enter your solar system
in seven zerls.
Seven zerls!
Flargans. Remulak. Narpail.
Marlax, wait!
Seven zerls!
We should discuss something
that is far more important
than planetary conquest.
What could be more important
than planetary conquest?
Beldar, I am with Cone.
You? I? A young one?
Affirmative.
$8,000. This is the best week
I've ever had.
- And there's 1,200 for you, Beldar.
- Thank you.
You still haven't given me
your social security number.
My social security number?
I am sorry. I keep forgetting.
I need it. I got state payroll forms,
workman's comp.
You do have a number?
Of course.
I am a citizen of this planet.
Alright, my man, give me the numbers.
O... two... five...
...six...
...X point three...
...O... B...
...eight...
...seven...
You don't have
a social security number?
Correct.
- Why not?
- I am an illegal alien.
I knew you were too good to be true!
Every time I make money,
this happens. Where you from?
The planet Remulak.
I am Fuel Survey Underlord for...
Never mind.
Look, we'll work this out.
Here's the deal.
Your name is Donald R De Cicco.
Donald R De Cicco.
That's you. D-E capital-C-l-C-C-O.
Born August 11th, 1951,
in Brockton, Massachusetts.
- Brockton.
- And your name is?
- Donald R De Cicco.
- Right. Nice to see you.
Your wife is Mary Margaret Rowney,
born June 26th, 1955,
in Rhode Island.
- You're from where?
- Brockton.
My mother's from there!
You were married
June 4th, 1975, in Greece,
where you met after your graduation
from Hobart College.
- Hobart.
- Hobart College.
He's a wizard.
Everything you need is here.
Birth certificates, school records,
employers' addresses,
grandmother's maiden name.
They won't ask, but it's there.
And social security numbers. Name?
Donald R De Cicco.
Nice to meet you.
Welcome to the United States.
Right there. Up and down.
This is a fine craft.
It can be operated with ease.
Not so close, alright?
I'm not against closeness,
it's just not my thing.
In America, we got this thing
called space. There you go.
If you're gonna live here
and have kids, get yourself together.
Buy yourself a car,
maybe get a hat for that head.
And do something about those teeth.
You know what the key to success is?
I do not.
I'm gonna tell you.
Look good. Be your own boss.
Never get chained to a desk. When it
comes to business, take cash only.
Look good, be own boss,
no desk, cash only.
You got it.
- Got any more of that gum?
- Of course.
But if I chew and drive
I might hit something.
Please, I'm better with English.
All I'm getting is clicking noises.
Clicking?
Could you be a lamb
and have a seat?
Take-o uno seataro, por favor.
Hi, there. I'll take that.
Mr Seedling can't see anyone.
He's having one of those days.
Isn't that cute?
OK, that's not yours.
Bear in mind
these figures are not to scale.
I suggest we put electronic collars
on all the deportees.
We bury a wire along the border,
forming an invisible fence.
The next time this illegal
tries to enter the country...
A jolt he won't soon forget.
It'll send a nice message
to the rest of the population.
Let's get on this.
Why am I the only one
who sees the problem?
I don't know.
Everyone else hopes the problem
will go away. It won't.
You're right. It won't disappear.
- Maybe I should give up.
- No.
- Sure. Be like everybody else.
- It's not you.
- Let the country be overrun.
- You wouldn't be happy.
That's why I have
to give it everything. 100 percent.
- Everyone thinks it's crazy.
- And obsessive.
- That I'm a mental case.
- Completely insane.
I have something for you.
That deceased SSI number
you flagged.
De Cicco's back. That's
the tenth job he's taken this month.
Not bad for a guy who was shot dead
in a clam bar in Sheepshead Bay.
Now Mr De Cicco is working
as an appliance repairman.
Let's see. Donald De Ciccos
one through five turned out to be
a Samoan, a Vietnamese,
a Sicilian, a Canadian...
- And a Belgian.
- He skipped back to Belgium.
I lost him, Eli. This one I want.
Dr Rudolph,
this is Mr De Cicco. He wants
his teeth capped. All of them.
OK. We'll just take a look.
Hello, Mr De Sicko.
De Cicco. The name is De Cicco.
I'm Dr Rudolph. Can we send
for your regular dental records?
When I was young,
I chipped a tooth horn
on my rocket sled in a vurl storm.
But there were no records
which we could send
from where... we come from.
Alright.
Now, I understand
you want to have your teeth capped.
- Correct.
- Let's just take a look.
And open, please.
And close, please.
And open, please.
OK, we'll start the caps
right about here, Mr De Fasco.
De Cicco.
And open wider,
if you can.
- Headrest comfortable?
- Fine.
Alright. I'm going to give you
some nitrous oxide.
If you feel any pain, let me know.
And breathe.
Beldar!
Mebs!
Human authority figures!
We must egress immediately.
They are at the portal.
We are scrabnord!
INS! Open up!
Go round the back.
There they go!
Egress!
Turnbull!
OK. No foreign passports,
letters, newspapers.
Nothing to indicate
their country of origin,
except these Mardi Gras suits.
Let me see. Maybe they're Brazilian.
Sir?
It'd be better
if that went through me.
He's not in a good mood. Thanks.
I think I found something, sir.
That symbol also appears
on this card.
Let me see that.
- Possibly Korean.
- Possibly.
- Have this text analysed.
- OK. Run this.
Look at this filth. It's filthy.
Human beings don't live like this.
- Find out where they're from.
- On it.
Because wherever that is...
...I'm seeing to it
that they go back there.
LaGuardia Airport. Delta terminal.
Do you wish I take the BQE,
the Van Wyck,
or Woodhaven Boulevard
to Grand Central Parkway?
There are more lights
but less traffic.
- Whatever. Just get there.
- Woodhaven.
345, drop-off, LaGuardia.
- Greetings.
- Greetings, my geneto-mate.
How was your day
ferrying humans across the grid?
Acceptable.
Tips could have been better.
The impending Cone
prepares for its emergence.
It's Khoudri. Welcome,
my employer and landlord.
Forgive my intrusion. Ravi is sick.
Can you work the midnight shift?
- Use my car.
- Certainly.
But it will be the last triple shift.
The birth spasm is near.
Beldar, once again
you have pulled me from the fire.
Yes.
You worked through
your slar phase again.
Guz deprivation is not good.
But this dwelling
is no longer acceptable.
Even by earth standards
it is not good enough.
We must move to a safer
neighbourhood with better schools
and a stronger economic matrix
which will not tax us to death.
We are no better off
than we were two zerls ago.
This dwelling is available
at $6,900 down
with a nine percent
fixed-rate mortgage.
Our currency stock is insufficient.
Incorrect. You have been working.
I have been saving.
Ah, I praise you, earthwoman.
My pluvarb has broken.
The birth spasm has begun.
Nothing to this. Childbirth
is a gentle act of nature.
We'll get plenty of good pictures.
I hate you, Beldar. I hate you!
Two, three...
Swab.
- Breathe easy.
- One good push.
It's so cute!
Would you like to cut
the umbilical cord, Mr Conehead?
No. No hair. Bring the top
of the head up higher.
No, higher, like a point.
We have the analysis from the labs
on the card found at the dwelling.
No known language within the foreign
catalogue nationality encodes.
You're not listening to me.
Look, here. See where my hand is?
That high. What else?
The Mardi Gras costumes
contain fibres
with five unknown polymer strands.
Nothing like it anywhere.
What are they saying?
They're from another planet?
That theory has been advanced.
This is big. This is really big.
Aren't creatures from another planet
Air Force responsibility?
If they're just visiting, sure.
But the moment they try
to work here, they're mine.
- Any sign?
- No, sir. Nothing yet.
Wait.
- Subject vehicle coming your way.
- Copy. I have him in sight.
- Go?
- No.
- Go?
- No.
- Now?
- Go!
Freeze!
This isn't him! What's going on here?
- Look.
- Where'd you get this key chain?
It's a gift, from one of
the finest men I've ever known.
- Where is he now?
- He moved out a week ago.
I have no word from him.
I only wish I had more drivers
like him.
Diligent, punctual,
his cab invariably sweet smelling.
- Take him in and check him out.
- Check him.
Find this insignia,
find these illegals.
Hi, there. I'll take that. Thank you.
Sir, good news from Washington.
Your promotion came through.
They must've loved
your electrified-border idea.
On-site Field Enforcement Head
for the entire Southwest.
Assistant Deputy Commissioner.
That should pay quite a bit more.
It's an extra 1,500 a year.
Of course I'll take it.
Question. About this De Cicco case.
We've invested so many man hours.
Who cares?
Let the next guy handle it.
Morning consumption
of mass quantities.
Grid-like breakfast slabs,
seared strips of swine flesh
and flat chicken embryos.
I will enjoy it.
A seven-letter word for a tomb
in ancient Egypt
which has smooth,
sloping sides meeting in an apex?
A flindar.
- Good morning, parental units.
- Dawn greetings.
What would you like?
Pop Tarts? Chicken embryos?
Ground animal flesh?
I'm not hungry. Just some Tang.
Tang. The drink
the astronauts took to the moon.
Astronauts to the moon.
Your putter has arrived.
My Hawk True Flex Power Point
with graphite shaft.
A secret of golf pros everywhere.
A truly manly putter.
- What have you done to your cone?
- Nothing.
No? Turn around.
- It's not a real tattoo.
- Mebs! Unacceptable!
Everyone's wearing decals.
If everyone jumped into
a cauldron, would you?
I am not a little Cone now.
Maintain low tones with me. Go to
the hygienic chamber and remove it.
Also, you have
too much lip enhancement.
Mom! My make-up looks OK, doesn't it?
Do not involve the approval
of your other parental unit.
If you wish to go
to the retail compound,
make the necessary corrections
and remove the decal.
Fine.
She looked like a common flathrag
on payday.
I don't know what went wrong
with these roses.
Maybe I need a gardener.
Sweetie, I'm not gonna pay some guy
to dig in the dirt.
I told you to take that thing to
a professional. You'll save money.
I should've bought
an electric one.
Beldar, is that you?
- Correct.
- Bel. Pry.
The damn lawnmower won't start.
You're so good with machinery.
- Would you mind taking a look?
- I do not mind.
Greetings, Lisa. Excellent crop
of decorative growth.
- You're being nice.
- Yes.
Three-horsepower internal-combustion
chlorophyll-stalk slicer.
- There is fuel in the device?
- Plenty.
I just can't get
the damn thing to kick over.
Join us for consumption
of mass quantities this weekend.
We'll ignite our flame pit
and char mammal flesh.
Sounds fun. I'll make some coleslaw.
Coleslaw? We will enjoy it.
Thanks, Bels.
Connie! How are you?
- I love your hat.
- Hi, Mr Conehead.
I love this song!
- Sorry, it's not ready.
- I do not understand.
I have returned at the agreed-upon
time coordinates.
- I'm very sorry, Mr Conhead.
- The name is Conehead.
Well, look, Mr... Conehead,
we got a little backed up
and it took longer than expected.
Unacceptable. You delayed
my departure from here,
and all the events which were
to follow. Why this deception?
I don't know who you are
or where you're from...
France. We come from France.
Fine. The point is,
it'll be ready when it's ready.
So if you wanna take a seat
over there,
we'll call you
when your car's finished.
I will comply.
What choice do I have?
It's as if you have seized me
at the base of my snarglies.
- Hey, Ronnie?
- What?
How can it take so long to do
a simple alignment on a sedan
with standard steering
when your garage is equipped
with a digital hydraulic radiometer?
Maybe cos I was out back
finishing a beer.
OK.
Before we can recommend
your appointment as Commissioner,
we have questions regarding
your tenure as District Chief.
Senator, that was long ago,
and a busy office.
I won't be able to recall everything.
We won't be asking you about
everything. Just case 889343B.
The so-called De...
- De Cicco.
- De Cicco file.
Yes, I do remember that case.
In an unsuccessful pursuit,
you authorised the expenditure
of $250,000 to apprehend
what you believed
was an illegal alien
from another planet. A spaceman.
Excuse me.
Actually, I never said on the record
that I thought they were spacemen.
And the case is still open.
I feel that when we make
this apprehension,
the expense will be well justified...
is what I feel.
My appointment is being held up
by that De Cicco case!
I know.
I want the file put back
into the system, flagged red.
- Why me?
- I don't know.
The system screws the guy
that works the hardest.
- Politicians don't care.
- It's the system.
- Phone's ringing.
- All the time.
- No, Eli.
- The phone! I'll get it.
This guy's out there somewhere.
He's gonna make a mistake.
And when he does, we'll nail him.
I've never dated a girl
taller than me before.
Really? I've always been tall.
Are both your parents from Europe?
- When did they come to America?
- Before I was born.
My grandfather's
from the old country.
Really? Which one?
I'm not sure. One of the big ones.
My mom's the only other woman
I've ever known
who could take a sandwich like that.
- Are you gonna eat that?
- No.
You're something special,
you know that?
So Beldar's giving this woman
beginner's driving lessons
for the fifth time, huh?
That's interesting.
Why is that interesting?
I mean, the same woman.
Think about it.
The same woman.
The more you think about it, the
more you probably should worry,
because all men are pigs.
Pigs. A domesticated
cloven-hoofed vertebrate
that defecates
in the same place it consumes.
Exactly. You should be
very careful with Beldar.
He's got that Continental accent
that some women find irresistible.
I like it when you watch me drive.
- Watch it, lady!
- It's funny.
It's like you've been instructing me
all my life.
Yes.
It's almost as if you've
controlled me completely.
I just don't think I'm ready
for this test yet. I can't...
Listen to me.
I'm OK.
I'm just human.
And weak.
Gladys, look at me.
Yeah!
I am your teacher. It is natural
you harbour certain feelings for me.
But you must understand,
nothing can come of this.
58 US dollars, please.
You are one of the finest men
I've ever met.
When my species rules this planet,
your name will be on the protected
rolls. You will come to no harm.
You are wise. But there's a sadness
to your wisdom.
Ronnie, don't.
Please.
Connie,
I told you how I feel about you.
- Doesn't that mean anything?
- It means a lot.
It's like, I pick you up,
I take you out,
I bring you home, we say goodnight
and you never kiss me.
Is there something wrong with me?
Of course not.
It's just...
My parental units...
We've never been really affectionate.
I'm afraid I don't know how.
It's easy.
All you do is lean forward and kiss,
like this.
Ronnie, don't.
- I am not ready.
- You're ready!
Don't.
Greetings.
How was your date with Ronnie?
Daddy was right. Earth boys
only care about one thing.
- Ronnie behaved like a flairndep?
- Flairndep?
An uninvited grasper of Cone.
A masher. A hustler.
Flairndep?
Hi, Mr Conehead.
- I find you unacceptable!
- Yes, sir.
If I did not fear incarceration,
I would terminate your life functions
by applying pressure to your
blunt skull to cause its collapse!
Thank you.
Do not worry about Ronnie.
You will not see him in
the Laurel Hills quadrant again.
I can't believe you did that.
You've ruined my life!
Young one,
when we return to Remulak...
I don't care about Remulak!
That stupid starcruiser
is never coming, anyway!
But she said... I thought...
I will attend to the young one.
Come in.
I read in a magazine
you can talk to me about anything.
Mom?
What does it feel like to... hone?
Well, for me, the first time,
it happened so fast,
I hardly knew I had honed at all.
After that it was more repetition
than anything else.
My young one, your cone
is changing and you feel unsure.
How would you know what it's like?
You've been married to Daddy
for so long.
I was a young Cone myself, once.
Before I met Beldar, I was
attracted to a Thorasian forger.
As far as I was concerned, no other
life force in the universe mattered.
But then he got a job working
at a volcano complex on a moon.
I never saw him again.
It broke my blood-valve chamber.
I got over it.
It worked out for the best,
because then I met your father.
I knew then
that I had found my true life mate.
I love you, Mom.
The currents of chromo-bonding
between you
and your parental units are infinite.
Mebs!
Good shot.
So, have you given any thought to
what I said about, you know, hair?
I do not understand.
It's me. You don't have
to pretend it doesn't bother you.
You're young. No reason
for you to be skinny up top.
I'll let you in on a secret.
It's not all my own hair.
- Hard to tell, isn't it?
- Only from very high altitudes.
I'll say no more. Think it over.
- I can introduce you to my man.
- Thank you.
Mr Conehead!
Way to blast out of the bunker, huh?
It's me, Ronnie!
Hope you didn't cut your hand when
you tore open my car! I'm fine!
Yes, thank you! No problem!
Goodbye!
- OK.
- Chubby, come on!
OK, Conehead. That puts me
four behind you at the turn.
Correct.
Mr Conehead, I'm miserable.
I feel so bad for what I did.
It feels like somebody's ripping my
guts out. She won't take my calls.
Hey, kid, I'm not paying you to yak.
Buddy?
What's with the head?
Forget him. He's not a member.
That concludes
the one-metre competition.
Next, the three-metre-board category.
First diver for the home team,
Connie Conehead.
A one-and-a-half flip.
Enter the water
with as little splash as possible.
Good girl. Keep it up.
You've got one more dive.
Diving for Union High, Gale Jenson.
You were great.
I'm sorry about the other night.
I was a real jerk! OK?
Connie's our best hope
for the state finals.
Correct. We believe this also.
I don't think I've ever seen you
at any of the parent meetings.
What committees are you on?
We still need volunteers
for the homecoming gala.
- Home...
- Coming...
Hi.
Look, I'm sorry if I...
No. I shouldn't have been so...
It was me. Sometimes I just...
Me, too.
- If I thought I did anything...
- No, you didn't.
- I mean it.
- Seriously?
Yeah.
Wow! I'm glad we talked.
Parents and students,
if you direct your attention
to the sky, you will be treated
to a display of amateur fireworks,
courtesy of Beldar Conehead,
father of Connie Conehead.
Careful there, Conehead.
Pretty cheap, Conehead.
Cigar?
Is the light keeping you awake?
No.
Your breathing has become erratic.
A torg for your thoughts.
Beldar, are you content with me?
Of course. Why would I not be?
Now, I would like
to enter my slar phase.
Let us suppose
my life functions ceased.
- What would you do?
- Incinerate your carcass
in the tradition
of Ovahdar the Obtuse
and put it in a clean, dry place.
Would you find a new geneto-mate
to bring to our guz chamber
and propagate?
Ah, my most precious one,
I would collapse.
I would draw the shades
and live in the dark.
I would never leave my slar pad.
My fluids would coagulate, my cone
would shrivel and I would die,
miserable and Ionely.
The stench would be great.
You have made me very happy.
Yes, I know. Goodnight.
Life on earth is good.
I agree. Stability and contentment
have been achieved.
Lay by and put about.
Return to your port of embarkation.
There is no work for you
in the United States.
You have no job skills,
you will be a drag on our economy.
We appreciate your situation
but we have problems of our own.
- Thank you.
- Phone, sir.
Seedling here.
A fax came through
on the secure channel.
I think we've found him.
Don't toy with me.
This time it had better be real.
Hello, Mrs Conehead.
I've been meaning to talk to you
about the
Christmas-tree-lighting ceremony.
We've found someone else
to head up that committee
and won't need
Mr Conehead's services after all.
- If you could thank him for me.
- He will be disappointed.
I'm telling you, Bels,
you could win that trophy this year.
A meaningless piece of metal
and wood. I compete only with myself.
I appreciate the game
for its physics, skill,
its self-control
and, of course, spirituality.
You're full of it.
You're only coming to the ball
because you think you got a shot
at winning that trophy.
Negative. But if I should win,
I would accept it
with limited enthusiasm.
- Ron. Harv.
- What's happening?
What are you wearing
to the Hallowe'en dance?
I am not about to tell you, Harv.
"Consume alco-beverage.
Come get me!"
Ah, mai tai! I will enjoy it.
Greetings, earthman.
It is good to hone in places
other than our guz chamber
before slar phase.
Who said?
Good Housekeeping.
- What are they doing?
- It's like they stepped on a cat.
- Comdec three.
- Commissioner Seedling.
- We're on 'em.
- Don't make a move without me.
I understand. We won't move
until you get here.
Greetings.
Hello. We just stopped by
to introduce ourselves.
- We're Jehovah's Witnesses.
- How do you do? I am Beldar.
We attend the Kingdom Hall
on Cove Neck Road.
Near the dry cleaner's
and the 7-Eleven.
Exactly. May we ask you a question?
Proceed.
Is the world headed towards
a calamity?
Definitely. I have direct
personal knowledge that this is so.
- Great. May we come in?
- Of course.
Enter. Assume comfort.
- My mate, Prymaat.
- Greetings. Be seated.
So, what do you know of the doom
awaiting this planet?
As Witnesses, we believe the end
of the world is approaching
and that only 144,000 people
will be saved to reign.
I do not believe
it will be that many.
The Bible clearly states
144,000 will be saved to reign.
Very optimistic, considering
the primitive weapons
the earth people have.
Some earth weapons are not useless.
Mebs, drop it.
Well, when the time comes,
no weapon of this earth
shall avail mankind.
Correct.
- Where are you people from?
- France. We come from France.
But we are American citizens now.
- Do you have proof?
- Proof?
Christina's giving me a ride
to the dance, so I'll see you there.
I take it your daughter
was born here.
Yes. She is native to your plan...
country.
Scarlab. Modtrubuim. Beldar. Scarlab.
Beldar? Phone for you.
I will return their call
at my earliest convenience.
No, the big phone!
The big phone?
I hope you humans
have enjoyed your visit. Come again.
- You are leaving.
- How did you arrive in the US?
Thank you for coming.
They didn't buy it.
You can't talk religion
with some people.
Connie!
Ronnie's giving me a ride home
tonight, so I won't need a ride.
Negative, young lady.
We must speak now. It is imperative.
I have good news, my young one.
Our rescue vessel from Remulak
is coming tonight.
What?
You will finally see
the joys of your planet.
- I must tell Ronnie.
- Irrational. You will tell no one.
What if I said I don't want to go?
My infinitely valuable incarnation.
Watching you grow up on this
savage planet has caused me pain.
Your optic receptacles have never
seen the peaks of Aardsnaap,
the Crater of Culdroth,
the Mergziod Labyrinth.
I know, and I'm sure it's all great.
And I know that
you don't believe me,
but I'm in love with Ronnie.
Daddy, if you really care,
you'll let me say goodbye to him.
Although my blood valve
weighs heavily with your feelings,
tonight we must remain together.
You're moving away tonight?
When you get the call to be
the President of France's driver,
you gotta go.
I have to tell you something
really important.
- What is it?
- Not here. We have to be alone.
Alright!
The awarding of the club's
Golfer of the Year trophy...
Not so fast, Carl.
...for most-improved handicap
through the season. The winner is
Beldar Conehead!
The daughter and boyfriend
are on the move.
Before we do anything at all,
there's something I have to say.
I'm different from other girls.
I know. That's why I love you.
She left because something
has corrupted her judgement.
When we get back to Remulak,
I am grounding her for a zerl!
Senso-rings?
Where did you get those?
Under your bed.
Unacceptable!
Your cone is too young!
Get up! You're coming
to Remulak now!
I am staying with Ronnie!
Maintain low tones. Impossible.
Undesirable. Inadvisable.
Then I'm coming with you.
I love you.
Mebs! Human authority figures.
We must egress immediately.
It's over, Conehead. This is the INS.
Come out with your hands up.
You're under arrest.
They're going for it!
- Cover him.
- Hold it right there!
- It's the boyfriend.
- It's the boyfriend.
Daddy!
Nice manoeuvre,
but it's all over.
I think
that is the Jehovah's Witness.
Let's cover him.
Hold on, everybody.
I love you, Ronnie!
I love you!
Back in the car, asshole.
Gorman, let go!
I'm scared!
You're not getting away this time.
You're surrounded.
Put the car down!
This is the Captain.
Get into the formplat. We will
initiate mentaglion surge
once we go past the only moon
on this planet.
No problem. We have successfully
passed their moon
and are preparing now
for mentaglion surge.
Remulak!
Vlenglariat pla, Highmaster.
I know every Cone is allowed
but four uses of the Bitumius
pleasure spool, and I partook six.
I realise the error of these actions.
They will never be repeated.
I throw myself at your mertex.
Fairnob, smerthail.
Smordit.
I realise the pleasure spools
are a difficult temptation to resist.
Therefore, you will
knarftle the garthok!
No!
Fuel Survey Underlord Beldar
Florhone, and Marlax Zehemsto,
from Protoid Fuel Administration.
Beldar, survivor
of the wilderness planet.
What do you bring me
from the conquered worldlet?
Greetings, Revered One.
I present the gift of two
living native beings from the planet.
Do what you want to me, but I won't
apologise for doing my job.
The USA cannot solve the
employment problems of the universe.
Silence the slave!
Delightful. They will make
a fitting sacrifice to Krathnor.
What else did you bring me?
A multitude of gifts
from the blunt skulls.
A tyre iron with four-way lug wrench.
An owner's manual
for a Ford Lincoln Mercury Sable.
Ford Lincoln Mercury Sable?
A personal conveyance,
named for its inventor,
a mythical character,
and a small mammal.
And a dashboard icon.
- Is this all?
- Certainly not.
Some... chewing gum.
I am sporfed. More than sporfed.
Flarged by this!
Come close.
Close.
What have you done
to your face portal?
Your trelgs!
Beldar lived among
the blunt heads so long,
he had to adapt to survive.
He offered his trelgs.
It is known as dental bonding.
I do not care
what the blunt skulls call it.
- Here, it is known as treason.
- Treason?
It is at my discretion to settle
things in the ancient ways.
Therefore
you will knarftle the garthok!
I am no traitor!
What's a garthok?
Every zerl since the ancient times,
when the three moons align,
the light causes a garthok to emerge.
So, what's a garthok?
Our seats used to be way up
in the back. These are much better.
That is a garthok?
You can really see it from this
vantage. These are very good seats.
It is time.
I am Lagtar, disgraced guardsman,
prepared to fight for my honour.
These are great seats.
I have learnt much from watching
the garthok battle.
It has weaknesses. When my turn
comes, I believe I can take him.
And let me know
when Elvis gets here.
You're next.
This is a first for me.
- You are next.
- No, he is next.
- No. He said you are next.
- He is next.
You were ahead of me in court.
That was then. This is now.
No, guard, no!
You are next.
Daddy!
- It's a song.
- Big hit on earth.
Mebs.
The day is yours, Beldar.
You have knarftled the garthok.
Therefore, a request may be granted.
- I have such a request.
- Speak freely.
That I be permitted
to return to earth.
And, upon my return,
I will conquer the planet earth
and enslave the blunt skulls
in the name of my Cone heritage.
Request granted.
I wish to take
the earth slaves with me.
Narg! You may only take one slave.
Then I take Seedling,
the one with higher office.
- Thank you.
- So be it!
Let it be written...
Are you writing this?
...that Beldar shall return
to the humo-carb planet,
to conquer the blunt skulls!
This is my festival.
Yet I speak and they do not hear.
No one listens.
They do not realise
the difficulties of my office.
Power is not easy.
I sit in judgement and rule.
That is all there is for me.
- You have no interior life.
- Highmaster.
Why don't you let me take care
of that? He's having a tough day.
Omglath.
Krathnor. Attention
all battle-unit commanders.
Entering outer atmospheres
of target planet.
Hold your global-ranging positions.
Array mesoton cannon.
Stand ready for my attack order.
The starfleet has entered
the earth's atmosphere.
They've entered
the earth's atmosphere.
- The moment of glory is upon us.
- Really big day for you, sir.
Arm cannon. Verify global targets.
Hold weapons release until my order.
Warning! Danger to battlefleet.
Enemy laser gun
in satellites detected.
Proceed to secondary target.
Lorbsleb. Warning!
Danger to battlefleet!
- Lorbsleb!
- Lorbsleb!
Quickly, my family. Run!
Your happiness
and positive perception of me
is vital to my existence.
Besides, it is not every day
a father
can give the world to his child.
I love you, Daddy.
Beldar's life functions have ceased.
The earth weapons have silenced him.
He died bravely in battle.
No death is more glorious.
He will be missed.
- He will walk with the chosen.
- Super guy.
I make this proposal to you. Your
life in exchange for a green card.
Agreed, if you demonstrate a job
skill that no US citizen possesses.
That is no challenge to me.
- I have no objection.
- Good. Move.
Good evening, Mr Conehead.
Mrs Conehead.
Good evening, Ronnie.
Welcome. Enter.
You look handsome yet uncomfortable
in your pubescent ceremonial garb.
- Yeah. You mean my tux?
- Correct.
Connie is doing her beautification
ritual. I will summon her.
Ronnie, may I have 55 words with you?
The statistics of young earthlings
mangling themselves in cars
on prom night
makes me insist
on maximum safety awareness.
Return at the predesignated
time coordinates, and take my car.
Its reinforced alloy superstructure
is far superior
to that of your rusted-out shit box.
Gee, thanks, Mr Conehead.
Hi, Ronnie. Hi, Daddy.
- This is for you.
- Thanks.
Present yourselves
for image emulsification.
Say "lactate extract
of hoofed mammals".
Cheese!
Excellent.
Goodnight, Mr and Mrs Conehead.
- Goodnight.
- Goodnight.
Night.
- Ah, memories!
- We will enjoy them.
He's out there, Doctor.
Out there somewhere in
a thousand cubic parsecs of space.
And there is absolutely nothing
we can do to help him.
Bogey inbound,
500 miles from Rockport.
- Roger, tac-com. You got it too?
- What is it?
I don't know. Signal has it
at 500 miles, inbound real fast.
That's not one of ours.
We've confirmed inbound bogey.
Werewolf, flight camera's now on.
Man, is he moving!
Unidentified aircraft,
you are violating
restricted airspace.
Reduce speed to mach one.
Descend to 3,000 feet and identify,
or we will force you down.
Bogey not responding.
He's walking away fast.
Suggest Air National Guard intercept.
This is Cowboy. I got a lock-on.
Request permission to fire.
You are cleared to fire.
Mebs, you should've activated
the cloaking device.
I cannot remember everything!
He's disappeared.
He's just disappeared!
Greetings.
- You need a room?
- Correct.
Fill out an application.
Just a form.
I seek out techno-industrial sector
where I can purchase
two simlats of platinum paste.
This time of night, huh?
Gee, let's see.
See, I'm kinda new to the area.
Where can I obtain a helium grafting
device operable at eight fathoms?
The day guy knows this area
really good. I can't help you.
- Is this a double occupancy?
- Correct. That is my mate.
Yeah, right. I'm sure she is.
That's... That's fine. OK.
Will that be cash or charge?
How will you pay for the room?
We shall remunerate
with metallic tender-discs.
- Correct.
- This is fine.
This is a primitive device.
We need one with the right components
to contact Remulak.
The Highmaster
will be displeased about our ship.
Affirmative. He will surely
cut off my plarg and hand it to me.
But do not despair.
We will be rescued.
Until then, we must adapt.
When the hydrogen droplets
have ceased,
we will live undetected
amongst the blunt skulls.
Beldar, how can we live
among the blunt skulls?
We will blend in.
My goodness, Mike Sanders. Wow.
Here's the man
that made it happen last match.
Hey, Otto, this dude's
almost as fast as you are.
No, this boy is the best.
Shows up on time,
gives me an honest day's work.
You can't find people like this.
That's right.
White boys and the brothers
show up late, loaf around.
- All they want is a cheque.
- I heard that.
Here is your Superjuicemaster.
Frequent cleaning of blades
will prevent wear
and accumulation of bacteria.
I told you, he's good.
If I could find three more like him,
I could retire.
It is time for midday cessation of
activities for protein-carbo intake.
- Sure. Take your lunch break.
- Lunch. Lunch.
The boy loves to eat.
Lunch. Lunch.
Greetings, earthwoman.
Time for midday consumption
of mass quantities.
I have re-radiated
leftover starch disc.
Pizza. I will enjoy it.
There. Warning. Do not sear
the top of your neck hole
in the molten lactate extract
of hoofed mammals.
Excellent. The final component
for the intergalactic communicator.
Correct.
There.
Perhaps tighten
the spiral dimension fasteners.
Beldar, activate the device!
Inform Marlax of our situation.
There is no advantage to delay.
Verscrub.
Phone home!
Omglath Marlax.
We haven't heard from you
in clarsogs.
I'm glad your life functions
are active.
Greetings, Marlax.
I trust you have enslaved the planet.
Unanticipated failure
of mentaglion drive
has caused us to
abandon our vessel in a fluid mass.
At what time coordinates
can we expect a rescue vessel?
Rescue vessel? You tarpaath!
I'd not like to be in your cone
when the Highmaster hears this.
He will not take it lightly.
I'll arrange for a starcruiser
to enter your solar system
in seven zerls.
Seven zerls!
Flargans. Remulak. Narpail.
Marlax, wait!
Seven zerls!
We should discuss something
that is far more important
than planetary conquest.
What could be more important
than planetary conquest?
Beldar, I am with Cone.
You? I? A young one?
Affirmative.
$8,000. This is the best week
I've ever had.
- And there's 1,200 for you, Beldar.
- Thank you.
You still haven't given me
your social security number.
My social security number?
I am sorry. I keep forgetting.
I need it. I got state payroll forms,
workman's comp.
You do have a number?
Of course.
I am a citizen of this planet.
Alright, my man, give me the numbers.
O... two... five...
...six...
...X point three...
...O... B...
...eight...
...seven...
You don't have
a social security number?
Correct.
- Why not?
- I am an illegal alien.
I knew you were too good to be true!
Every time I make money,
this happens. Where you from?
The planet Remulak.
I am Fuel Survey Underlord for...
Never mind.
Look, we'll work this out.
Here's the deal.
Your name is Donald R De Cicco.
Donald R De Cicco.
That's you. D-E capital-C-l-C-C-O.
Born August 11th, 1951,
in Brockton, Massachusetts.
- Brockton.
- And your name is?
- Donald R De Cicco.
- Right. Nice to see you.
Your wife is Mary Margaret Rowney,
born June 26th, 1955,
in Rhode Island.
- You're from where?
- Brockton.
My mother's from there!
You were married
June 4th, 1975, in Greece,
where you met after your graduation
from Hobart College.
- Hobart.
- Hobart College.
He's a wizard.
Everything you need is here.
Birth certificates, school records,
employers' addresses,
grandmother's maiden name.
They won't ask, but it's there.
And social security numbers. Name?
Donald R De Cicco.
Nice to meet you.
Welcome to the United States.
Right there. Up and down.
This is a fine craft.
It can be operated with ease.
Not so close, alright?
I'm not against closeness,
it's just not my thing.
In America, we got this thing
called space. There you go.
If you're gonna live here
and have kids, get yourself together.
Buy yourself a car,
maybe get a hat for that head.
And do something about those teeth.
You know what the key to success is?
I do not.
I'm gonna tell you.
Look good. Be your own boss.
Never get chained to a desk. When it
comes to business, take cash only.
Look good, be own boss,
no desk, cash only.
You got it.
- Got any more of that gum?
- Of course.
But if I chew and drive
I might hit something.
Please, I'm better with English.
All I'm getting is clicking noises.
Clicking?
Could you be a lamb
and have a seat?
Take-o uno seataro, por favor.
Hi, there. I'll take that.
Mr Seedling can't see anyone.
He's having one of those days.
Isn't that cute?
OK, that's not yours.
Bear in mind
these figures are not to scale.
I suggest we put electronic collars
on all the deportees.
We bury a wire along the border,
forming an invisible fence.
The next time this illegal
tries to enter the country...
A jolt he won't soon forget.
It'll send a nice message
to the rest of the population.
Let's get on this.
Why am I the only one
who sees the problem?
I don't know.
Everyone else hopes the problem
will go away. It won't.
You're right. It won't disappear.
- Maybe I should give up.
- No.
- Sure. Be like everybody else.
- It's not you.
- Let the country be overrun.
- You wouldn't be happy.
That's why I have
to give it everything. 100 percent.
- Everyone thinks it's crazy.
- And obsessive.
- That I'm a mental case.
- Completely insane.
I have something for you.
That deceased SSI number
you flagged.
De Cicco's back. That's
the tenth job he's taken this month.
Not bad for a guy who was shot dead
in a clam bar in Sheepshead Bay.
Now Mr De Cicco is working
as an appliance repairman.
Let's see. Donald De Ciccos
one through five turned out to be
a Samoan, a Vietnamese,
a Sicilian, a Canadian...
- And a Belgian.
- He skipped back to Belgium.
I lost him, Eli. This one I want.
Dr Rudolph,
this is Mr De Cicco. He wants
his teeth capped. All of them.
OK. We'll just take a look.
Hello, Mr De Sicko.
De Cicco. The name is De Cicco.
I'm Dr Rudolph. Can we send
for your regular dental records?
When I was young,
I chipped a tooth horn
on my rocket sled in a vurl storm.
But there were no records
which we could send
from where... we come from.
Alright.
Now, I understand
you want to have your teeth capped.
- Correct.
- Let's just take a look.
And open, please.
And close, please.
And open, please.
OK, we'll start the caps
right about here, Mr De Fasco.
De Cicco.
And open wider,
if you can.
- Headrest comfortable?
- Fine.
Alright. I'm going to give you
some nitrous oxide.
If you feel any pain, let me know.
And breathe.
Beldar!
Mebs!
Human authority figures!
We must egress immediately.
They are at the portal.
We are scrabnord!
INS! Open up!
Go round the back.
There they go!
Egress!
Turnbull!
OK. No foreign passports,
letters, newspapers.
Nothing to indicate
their country of origin,
except these Mardi Gras suits.
Let me see. Maybe they're Brazilian.
Sir?
It'd be better
if that went through me.
He's not in a good mood. Thanks.
I think I found something, sir.
That symbol also appears
on this card.
Let me see that.
- Possibly Korean.
- Possibly.
- Have this text analysed.
- OK. Run this.
Look at this filth. It's filthy.
Human beings don't live like this.
- Find out where they're from.
- On it.
Because wherever that is...
...I'm seeing to it
that they go back there.
LaGuardia Airport. Delta terminal.
Do you wish I take the BQE,
the Van Wyck,
or Woodhaven Boulevard
to Grand Central Parkway?
There are more lights
but less traffic.
- Whatever. Just get there.
- Woodhaven.
345, drop-off, LaGuardia.
- Greetings.
- Greetings, my geneto-mate.
How was your day
ferrying humans across the grid?
Acceptable.
Tips could have been better.
The impending Cone
prepares for its emergence.
It's Khoudri. Welcome,
my employer and landlord.
Forgive my intrusion. Ravi is sick.
Can you work the midnight shift?
- Use my car.
- Certainly.
But it will be the last triple shift.
The birth spasm is near.
Beldar, once again
you have pulled me from the fire.
Yes.
You worked through
your slar phase again.
Guz deprivation is not good.
But this dwelling
is no longer acceptable.
Even by earth standards
it is not good enough.
We must move to a safer
neighbourhood with better schools
and a stronger economic matrix
which will not tax us to death.
We are no better off
than we were two zerls ago.
This dwelling is available
at $6,900 down
with a nine percent
fixed-rate mortgage.
Our currency stock is insufficient.
Incorrect. You have been working.
I have been saving.
Ah, I praise you, earthwoman.
My pluvarb has broken.
The birth spasm has begun.
Nothing to this. Childbirth
is a gentle act of nature.
We'll get plenty of good pictures.
I hate you, Beldar. I hate you!
Two, three...
Swab.
- Breathe easy.
- One good push.
It's so cute!
Would you like to cut
the umbilical cord, Mr Conehead?
No. No hair. Bring the top
of the head up higher.
No, higher, like a point.
We have the analysis from the labs
on the card found at the dwelling.
No known language within the foreign
catalogue nationality encodes.
You're not listening to me.
Look, here. See where my hand is?
That high. What else?
The Mardi Gras costumes
contain fibres
with five unknown polymer strands.
Nothing like it anywhere.
What are they saying?
They're from another planet?
That theory has been advanced.
This is big. This is really big.
Aren't creatures from another planet
Air Force responsibility?
If they're just visiting, sure.
But the moment they try
to work here, they're mine.
- Any sign?
- No, sir. Nothing yet.
Wait.
- Subject vehicle coming your way.
- Copy. I have him in sight.
- Go?
- No.
- Go?
- No.
- Now?
- Go!
Freeze!
This isn't him! What's going on here?
- Look.
- Where'd you get this key chain?
It's a gift, from one of
the finest men I've ever known.
- Where is he now?
- He moved out a week ago.
I have no word from him.
I only wish I had more drivers
like him.
Diligent, punctual,
his cab invariably sweet smelling.
- Take him in and check him out.
- Check him.
Find this insignia,
find these illegals.
Hi, there. I'll take that. Thank you.
Sir, good news from Washington.
Your promotion came through.
They must've loved
your electrified-border idea.
On-site Field Enforcement Head
for the entire Southwest.
Assistant Deputy Commissioner.
That should pay quite a bit more.
It's an extra 1,500 a year.
Of course I'll take it.
Question. About this De Cicco case.
We've invested so many man hours.
Who cares?
Let the next guy handle it.
Morning consumption
of mass quantities.
Grid-like breakfast slabs,
seared strips of swine flesh
and flat chicken embryos.
I will enjoy it.
A seven-letter word for a tomb
in ancient Egypt
which has smooth,
sloping sides meeting in an apex?
A flindar.
- Good morning, parental units.
- Dawn greetings.
What would you like?
Pop Tarts? Chicken embryos?
Ground animal flesh?
I'm not hungry. Just some Tang.
Tang. The drink
the astronauts took to the moon.
Astronauts to the moon.
Your putter has arrived.
My Hawk True Flex Power Point
with graphite shaft.
A secret of golf pros everywhere.
A truly manly putter.
- What have you done to your cone?
- Nothing.
No? Turn around.
- It's not a real tattoo.
- Mebs! Unacceptable!
Everyone's wearing decals.
If everyone jumped into
a cauldron, would you?
I am not a little Cone now.
Maintain low tones with me. Go to
the hygienic chamber and remove it.
Also, you have
too much lip enhancement.
Mom! My make-up looks OK, doesn't it?
Do not involve the approval
of your other parental unit.
If you wish to go
to the retail compound,
make the necessary corrections
and remove the decal.
Fine.
She looked like a common flathrag
on payday.
I don't know what went wrong
with these roses.
Maybe I need a gardener.
Sweetie, I'm not gonna pay some guy
to dig in the dirt.
I told you to take that thing to
a professional. You'll save money.
I should've bought
an electric one.
Beldar, is that you?
- Correct.
- Bel. Pry.
The damn lawnmower won't start.
You're so good with machinery.
- Would you mind taking a look?
- I do not mind.
Greetings, Lisa. Excellent crop
of decorative growth.
- You're being nice.
- Yes.
Three-horsepower internal-combustion
chlorophyll-stalk slicer.
- There is fuel in the device?
- Plenty.
I just can't get
the damn thing to kick over.
Join us for consumption
of mass quantities this weekend.
We'll ignite our flame pit
and char mammal flesh.
Sounds fun. I'll make some coleslaw.
Coleslaw? We will enjoy it.
Thanks, Bels.
Connie! How are you?
- I love your hat.
- Hi, Mr Conehead.
I love this song!
- Sorry, it's not ready.
- I do not understand.
I have returned at the agreed-upon
time coordinates.
- I'm very sorry, Mr Conhead.
- The name is Conehead.
Well, look, Mr... Conehead,
we got a little backed up
and it took longer than expected.
Unacceptable. You delayed
my departure from here,
and all the events which were
to follow. Why this deception?
I don't know who you are
or where you're from...
France. We come from France.
Fine. The point is,
it'll be ready when it's ready.
So if you wanna take a seat
over there,
we'll call you
when your car's finished.
I will comply.
What choice do I have?
It's as if you have seized me
at the base of my snarglies.
- Hey, Ronnie?
- What?
How can it take so long to do
a simple alignment on a sedan
with standard steering
when your garage is equipped
with a digital hydraulic radiometer?
Maybe cos I was out back
finishing a beer.
OK.
Before we can recommend
your appointment as Commissioner,
we have questions regarding
your tenure as District Chief.
Senator, that was long ago,
and a busy office.
I won't be able to recall everything.
We won't be asking you about
everything. Just case 889343B.
The so-called De...
- De Cicco.
- De Cicco file.
Yes, I do remember that case.
In an unsuccessful pursuit,
you authorised the expenditure
of $250,000 to apprehend
what you believed
was an illegal alien
from another planet. A spaceman.
Excuse me.
Actually, I never said on the record
that I thought they were spacemen.
And the case is still open.
I feel that when we make
this apprehension,
the expense will be well justified...
is what I feel.
My appointment is being held up
by that De Cicco case!
I know.
I want the file put back
into the system, flagged red.
- Why me?
- I don't know.
The system screws the guy
that works the hardest.
- Politicians don't care.
- It's the system.
- Phone's ringing.
- All the time.
- No, Eli.
- The phone! I'll get it.
This guy's out there somewhere.
He's gonna make a mistake.
And when he does, we'll nail him.
I've never dated a girl
taller than me before.
Really? I've always been tall.
Are both your parents from Europe?
- When did they come to America?
- Before I was born.
My grandfather's
from the old country.
Really? Which one?
I'm not sure. One of the big ones.
My mom's the only other woman
I've ever known
who could take a sandwich like that.
- Are you gonna eat that?
- No.
You're something special,
you know that?
So Beldar's giving this woman
beginner's driving lessons
for the fifth time, huh?
That's interesting.
Why is that interesting?
I mean, the same woman.
Think about it.
The same woman.
The more you think about it, the
more you probably should worry,
because all men are pigs.
Pigs. A domesticated
cloven-hoofed vertebrate
that defecates
in the same place it consumes.
Exactly. You should be
very careful with Beldar.
He's got that Continental accent
that some women find irresistible.
I like it when you watch me drive.
- Watch it, lady!
- It's funny.
It's like you've been instructing me
all my life.
Yes.
It's almost as if you've
controlled me completely.
I just don't think I'm ready
for this test yet. I can't...
Listen to me.
I'm OK.
I'm just human.
And weak.
Gladys, look at me.
Yeah!
I am your teacher. It is natural
you harbour certain feelings for me.
But you must understand,
nothing can come of this.
58 US dollars, please.
You are one of the finest men
I've ever met.
When my species rules this planet,
your name will be on the protected
rolls. You will come to no harm.
You are wise. But there's a sadness
to your wisdom.
Ronnie, don't.
Please.
Connie,
I told you how I feel about you.
- Doesn't that mean anything?
- It means a lot.
It's like, I pick you up,
I take you out,
I bring you home, we say goodnight
and you never kiss me.
Is there something wrong with me?
Of course not.
It's just...
My parental units...
We've never been really affectionate.
I'm afraid I don't know how.
It's easy.
All you do is lean forward and kiss,
like this.
Ronnie, don't.
- I am not ready.
- You're ready!
Don't.
Greetings.
How was your date with Ronnie?
Daddy was right. Earth boys
only care about one thing.
- Ronnie behaved like a flairndep?
- Flairndep?
An uninvited grasper of Cone.
A masher. A hustler.
Flairndep?
Hi, Mr Conehead.
- I find you unacceptable!
- Yes, sir.
If I did not fear incarceration,
I would terminate your life functions
by applying pressure to your
blunt skull to cause its collapse!
Thank you.
Do not worry about Ronnie.
You will not see him in
the Laurel Hills quadrant again.
I can't believe you did that.
You've ruined my life!
Young one,
when we return to Remulak...
I don't care about Remulak!
That stupid starcruiser
is never coming, anyway!
But she said... I thought...
I will attend to the young one.
Come in.
I read in a magazine
you can talk to me about anything.
Mom?
What does it feel like to... hone?
Well, for me, the first time,
it happened so fast,
I hardly knew I had honed at all.
After that it was more repetition
than anything else.
My young one, your cone
is changing and you feel unsure.
How would you know what it's like?
You've been married to Daddy
for so long.
I was a young Cone myself, once.
Before I met Beldar, I was
attracted to a Thorasian forger.
As far as I was concerned, no other
life force in the universe mattered.
But then he got a job working
at a volcano complex on a moon.
I never saw him again.
It broke my blood-valve chamber.
I got over it.
It worked out for the best,
because then I met your father.
I knew then
that I had found my true life mate.
I love you, Mom.
The currents of chromo-bonding
between you
and your parental units are infinite.
Mebs!
Good shot.
So, have you given any thought to
what I said about, you know, hair?
I do not understand.
It's me. You don't have
to pretend it doesn't bother you.
You're young. No reason
for you to be skinny up top.
I'll let you in on a secret.
It's not all my own hair.
- Hard to tell, isn't it?
- Only from very high altitudes.
I'll say no more. Think it over.
- I can introduce you to my man.
- Thank you.
Mr Conehead!
Way to blast out of the bunker, huh?
It's me, Ronnie!
Hope you didn't cut your hand when
you tore open my car! I'm fine!
Yes, thank you! No problem!
Goodbye!
- OK.
- Chubby, come on!
OK, Conehead. That puts me
four behind you at the turn.
Correct.
Mr Conehead, I'm miserable.
I feel so bad for what I did.
It feels like somebody's ripping my
guts out. She won't take my calls.
Hey, kid, I'm not paying you to yak.
Buddy?
What's with the head?
Forget him. He's not a member.
That concludes
the one-metre competition.
Next, the three-metre-board category.
First diver for the home team,
Connie Conehead.
A one-and-a-half flip.
Enter the water
with as little splash as possible.
Good girl. Keep it up.
You've got one more dive.
Diving for Union High, Gale Jenson.
You were great.
I'm sorry about the other night.
I was a real jerk! OK?
Connie's our best hope
for the state finals.
Correct. We believe this also.
I don't think I've ever seen you
at any of the parent meetings.
What committees are you on?
We still need volunteers
for the homecoming gala.
- Home...
- Coming...
Hi.
Look, I'm sorry if I...
No. I shouldn't have been so...
It was me. Sometimes I just...
Me, too.
- If I thought I did anything...
- No, you didn't.
- I mean it.
- Seriously?
Yeah.
Wow! I'm glad we talked.
Parents and students,
if you direct your attention
to the sky, you will be treated
to a display of amateur fireworks,
courtesy of Beldar Conehead,
father of Connie Conehead.
Careful there, Conehead.
Pretty cheap, Conehead.
Cigar?
Is the light keeping you awake?
No.
Your breathing has become erratic.
A torg for your thoughts.
Beldar, are you content with me?
Of course. Why would I not be?
Now, I would like
to enter my slar phase.
Let us suppose
my life functions ceased.
- What would you do?
- Incinerate your carcass
in the tradition
of Ovahdar the Obtuse
and put it in a clean, dry place.
Would you find a new geneto-mate
to bring to our guz chamber
and propagate?
Ah, my most precious one,
I would collapse.
I would draw the shades
and live in the dark.
I would never leave my slar pad.
My fluids would coagulate, my cone
would shrivel and I would die,
miserable and Ionely.
The stench would be great.
You have made me very happy.
Yes, I know. Goodnight.
Life on earth is good.
I agree. Stability and contentment
have been achieved.
Lay by and put about.
Return to your port of embarkation.
There is no work for you
in the United States.
You have no job skills,
you will be a drag on our economy.
We appreciate your situation
but we have problems of our own.
- Thank you.
- Phone, sir.
Seedling here.
A fax came through
on the secure channel.
I think we've found him.
Don't toy with me.
This time it had better be real.
Hello, Mrs Conehead.
I've been meaning to talk to you
about the
Christmas-tree-lighting ceremony.
We've found someone else
to head up that committee
and won't need
Mr Conehead's services after all.
- If you could thank him for me.
- He will be disappointed.
I'm telling you, Bels,
you could win that trophy this year.
A meaningless piece of metal
and wood. I compete only with myself.
I appreciate the game
for its physics, skill,
its self-control
and, of course, spirituality.
You're full of it.
You're only coming to the ball
because you think you got a shot
at winning that trophy.
Negative. But if I should win,
I would accept it
with limited enthusiasm.
- Ron. Harv.
- What's happening?
What are you wearing
to the Hallowe'en dance?
I am not about to tell you, Harv.
"Consume alco-beverage.
Come get me!"
Ah, mai tai! I will enjoy it.
Greetings, earthman.
It is good to hone in places
other than our guz chamber
before slar phase.
Who said?
Good Housekeeping.
- What are they doing?
- It's like they stepped on a cat.
- Comdec three.
- Commissioner Seedling.
- We're on 'em.
- Don't make a move without me.
I understand. We won't move
until you get here.
Greetings.
Hello. We just stopped by
to introduce ourselves.
- We're Jehovah's Witnesses.
- How do you do? I am Beldar.
We attend the Kingdom Hall
on Cove Neck Road.
Near the dry cleaner's
and the 7-Eleven.
Exactly. May we ask you a question?
Proceed.
Is the world headed towards
a calamity?
Definitely. I have direct
personal knowledge that this is so.
- Great. May we come in?
- Of course.
Enter. Assume comfort.
- My mate, Prymaat.
- Greetings. Be seated.
So, what do you know of the doom
awaiting this planet?
As Witnesses, we believe the end
of the world is approaching
and that only 144,000 people
will be saved to reign.
I do not believe
it will be that many.
The Bible clearly states
144,000 will be saved to reign.
Very optimistic, considering
the primitive weapons
the earth people have.
Some earth weapons are not useless.
Mebs, drop it.
Well, when the time comes,
no weapon of this earth
shall avail mankind.
Correct.
- Where are you people from?
- France. We come from France.
But we are American citizens now.
- Do you have proof?
- Proof?
Christina's giving me a ride
to the dance, so I'll see you there.
I take it your daughter
was born here.
Yes. She is native to your plan...
country.
Scarlab. Modtrubuim. Beldar. Scarlab.
Beldar? Phone for you.
I will return their call
at my earliest convenience.
No, the big phone!
The big phone?
I hope you humans
have enjoyed your visit. Come again.
- You are leaving.
- How did you arrive in the US?
Thank you for coming.
They didn't buy it.
You can't talk religion
with some people.
Connie!
Ronnie's giving me a ride home
tonight, so I won't need a ride.
Negative, young lady.
We must speak now. It is imperative.
I have good news, my young one.
Our rescue vessel from Remulak
is coming tonight.
What?
You will finally see
the joys of your planet.
- I must tell Ronnie.
- Irrational. You will tell no one.
What if I said I don't want to go?
My infinitely valuable incarnation.
Watching you grow up on this
savage planet has caused me pain.
Your optic receptacles have never
seen the peaks of Aardsnaap,
the Crater of Culdroth,
the Mergziod Labyrinth.
I know, and I'm sure it's all great.
And I know that
you don't believe me,
but I'm in love with Ronnie.
Daddy, if you really care,
you'll let me say goodbye to him.
Although my blood valve
weighs heavily with your feelings,
tonight we must remain together.
You're moving away tonight?
When you get the call to be
the President of France's driver,
you gotta go.
I have to tell you something
really important.
- What is it?
- Not here. We have to be alone.
Alright!
The awarding of the club's
Golfer of the Year trophy...
Not so fast, Carl.
...for most-improved handicap
through the season. The winner is
Beldar Conehead!
The daughter and boyfriend
are on the move.
Before we do anything at all,
there's something I have to say.
I'm different from other girls.
I know. That's why I love you.
She left because something
has corrupted her judgement.
When we get back to Remulak,
I am grounding her for a zerl!
Senso-rings?
Where did you get those?
Under your bed.
Unacceptable!
Your cone is too young!
Get up! You're coming
to Remulak now!
I am staying with Ronnie!
Maintain low tones. Impossible.
Undesirable. Inadvisable.
Then I'm coming with you.
I love you.
Mebs! Human authority figures.
We must egress immediately.
It's over, Conehead. This is the INS.
Come out with your hands up.
You're under arrest.
They're going for it!
- Cover him.
- Hold it right there!
- It's the boyfriend.
- It's the boyfriend.
Daddy!
Nice manoeuvre,
but it's all over.
I think
that is the Jehovah's Witness.
Let's cover him.
Hold on, everybody.
I love you, Ronnie!
I love you!
Back in the car, asshole.
Gorman, let go!
I'm scared!
You're not getting away this time.
You're surrounded.
Put the car down!
This is the Captain.
Get into the formplat. We will
initiate mentaglion surge
once we go past the only moon
on this planet.
No problem. We have successfully
passed their moon
and are preparing now
for mentaglion surge.
Remulak!
Vlenglariat pla, Highmaster.
I know every Cone is allowed
but four uses of the Bitumius
pleasure spool, and I partook six.
I realise the error of these actions.
They will never be repeated.
I throw myself at your mertex.
Fairnob, smerthail.
Smordit.
I realise the pleasure spools
are a difficult temptation to resist.
Therefore, you will
knarftle the garthok!
No!
Fuel Survey Underlord Beldar
Florhone, and Marlax Zehemsto,
from Protoid Fuel Administration.
Beldar, survivor
of the wilderness planet.
What do you bring me
from the conquered worldlet?
Greetings, Revered One.
I present the gift of two
living native beings from the planet.
Do what you want to me, but I won't
apologise for doing my job.
The USA cannot solve the
employment problems of the universe.
Silence the slave!
Delightful. They will make
a fitting sacrifice to Krathnor.
What else did you bring me?
A multitude of gifts
from the blunt skulls.
A tyre iron with four-way lug wrench.
An owner's manual
for a Ford Lincoln Mercury Sable.
Ford Lincoln Mercury Sable?
A personal conveyance,
named for its inventor,
a mythical character,
and a small mammal.
And a dashboard icon.
- Is this all?
- Certainly not.
Some... chewing gum.
I am sporfed. More than sporfed.
Flarged by this!
Come close.
Close.
What have you done
to your face portal?
Your trelgs!
Beldar lived among
the blunt heads so long,
he had to adapt to survive.
He offered his trelgs.
It is known as dental bonding.
I do not care
what the blunt skulls call it.
- Here, it is known as treason.
- Treason?
It is at my discretion to settle
things in the ancient ways.
Therefore
you will knarftle the garthok!
I am no traitor!
What's a garthok?
Every zerl since the ancient times,
when the three moons align,
the light causes a garthok to emerge.
So, what's a garthok?
Our seats used to be way up
in the back. These are much better.
That is a garthok?
You can really see it from this
vantage. These are very good seats.
It is time.
I am Lagtar, disgraced guardsman,
prepared to fight for my honour.
These are great seats.
I have learnt much from watching
the garthok battle.
It has weaknesses. When my turn
comes, I believe I can take him.
And let me know
when Elvis gets here.
You're next.
This is a first for me.
- You are next.
- No, he is next.
- No. He said you are next.
- He is next.
You were ahead of me in court.
That was then. This is now.
No, guard, no!
You are next.
Daddy!
- It's a song.
- Big hit on earth.
Mebs.
The day is yours, Beldar.
You have knarftled the garthok.
Therefore, a request may be granted.
- I have such a request.
- Speak freely.
That I be permitted
to return to earth.
And, upon my return,
I will conquer the planet earth
and enslave the blunt skulls
in the name of my Cone heritage.
Request granted.
I wish to take
the earth slaves with me.
Narg! You may only take one slave.
Then I take Seedling,
the one with higher office.
- Thank you.
- So be it!
Let it be written...
Are you writing this?
...that Beldar shall return
to the humo-carb planet,
to conquer the blunt skulls!
This is my festival.
Yet I speak and they do not hear.
No one listens.
They do not realise
the difficulties of my office.
Power is not easy.
I sit in judgement and rule.
That is all there is for me.
- You have no interior life.
- Highmaster.
Why don't you let me take care
of that? He's having a tough day.
Omglath.
Krathnor. Attention
all battle-unit commanders.
Entering outer atmospheres
of target planet.
Hold your global-ranging positions.
Array mesoton cannon.
Stand ready for my attack order.
The starfleet has entered
the earth's atmosphere.
They've entered
the earth's atmosphere.
- The moment of glory is upon us.
- Really big day for you, sir.
Arm cannon. Verify global targets.
Hold weapons release until my order.
Warning! Danger to battlefleet.
Enemy laser gun
in satellites detected.
Proceed to secondary target.
Lorbsleb. Warning!
Danger to battlefleet!
- Lorbsleb!
- Lorbsleb!
Quickly, my family. Run!
Your happiness
and positive perception of me
is vital to my existence.
Besides, it is not every day
a father
can give the world to his child.
I love you, Daddy.
Beldar's life functions have ceased.
The earth weapons have silenced him.
He died bravely in battle.
No death is more glorious.
He will be missed.
- He will walk with the chosen.
- Super guy.
I make this proposal to you. Your
life in exchange for a green card.
Agreed, if you demonstrate a job
skill that no US citizen possesses.
That is no challenge to me.
- I have no objection.
- Good. Move.
Good evening, Mr Conehead.
Mrs Conehead.
Good evening, Ronnie.
Welcome. Enter.
You look handsome yet uncomfortable
in your pubescent ceremonial garb.
- Yeah. You mean my tux?
- Correct.
Connie is doing her beautification
ritual. I will summon her.
Ronnie, may I have 55 words with you?
The statistics of young earthlings
mangling themselves in cars
on prom night
makes me insist
on maximum safety awareness.
Return at the predesignated
time coordinates, and take my car.
Its reinforced alloy superstructure
is far superior
to that of your rusted-out shit box.
Gee, thanks, Mr Conehead.
Hi, Ronnie. Hi, Daddy.
- This is for you.
- Thanks.
Present yourselves
for image emulsification.
Say "lactate extract
of hoofed mammals".
Cheese!
Excellent.
Goodnight, Mr and Mrs Conehead.
- Goodnight.
- Goodnight.
Night.
- Ah, memories!
- We will enjoy them.