Confessions from the David Galaxy Affair (1979) Movie Script
(brass band music)
He is the kind who leaves a
trace of love in your mind
Knowing his touch will be
as much of him you will find
When you awake you'll know
it was all for his sake
And you're the one
Another bet he's won
With each affair he leaves
a trace of smoke in the air
Devil or man he takes the
most from life that he can
Til in the end in your
heart you feel he's a friend
The kind that you hate to love
Yet love to see
His name is Galaxy
He can find you like the sun
What kind of man is he
Public lover number one
His name is Galaxy
When he takes you to his drum
A macho man is he
If you see him better run
Watch out for Galaxy
Get your backs against the wall
A magic man is he
Is he really there at all
His name is Galaxy
He's a winner taking all
But he's a mystery
Even galaxies can fall
- Sandra, you lovely little birdie you.
Ah yes, I remember you well.
- [Pageant Host] And our first contestant
for the title of Miss Beauty Bust is,
gorgeous Sandra Gertrude.
Sandra tells me that she plans to become
an expert in foreign affairs.
Really Sandra, why go abroad
when you can find plenty at home?
And can I be the first please?
(audience applauds)
This little creature has a
name to match her figure.
Gina Curvy.
Gina is a consultant in a wristwatch firm,
and with an am and a pm like hers,
I'm not surprised.
(audience applauds)
Our next entrant, Julia Shorthouse,
has a simple but praiseworthy ambition.
Julia wants to be a housewife.
Good for you, Julia.
(audience applauds)
And finally, lovely Angela Critten.
Angela says she's resigned her job
as marriage guidance counsellor,
because she's frustrated,
and wishes to find a new position.
(audience applauds)
- Counsellor Pendleton, enjoy the show?
(laughs) Yes.
I can tell by your eyes.
(brass music)
Oh, hello darling.
Now listen, you did give
Counsellor Pendleton
a good lunch hour, didn't you?
- More like quarter of an hour, I'd say.
- Yes, he did enjoy himself, didn't he?
- Yes.
- Oh thank God for that.
Anyway listen, it's all fixed.
And here comes Mr. Fix-It now, big smile.
- Hi Mr. Pendleton.
- Good luck my dear.
- Don't be nervous.
That thousand pound check is
already in your hot little--
- Oh David, I don't know how to thank you.
- Of course you do.
Afterwards.
- [Pageant Host] Now meet Miss Beautybust.
Beautiful Sandra Gertrude
(brass fanfare)
(audience applauds)
Most spirited, Sandra.
Words have no place at a time like this,
only dreams of things to come.
- [David Voiceover] Well
you know what they say,
whatever you get out of the
business, you put back into it.
Afterwards.
- Oh, what a night it's been.
- What a night it's going to be.
Now then, I wonder what my
little prize is going to be.
(electronic music)
Bastard!
(David laughs)
- [David Voiceover] A
funny fellow, Pendleton.
He tells me he wants a bit,
I don't mind a bit,
so I introduce him to a bit.
And she gives him a bit.
Now what has he got to be sore about?
(car stops)
I had a very funny feeling.
My sixth sense told me that
a singularly unwelcome
surprise was about to pop up.
And it wasn't just my sixth sense.
My horoscope had told me
the same thing that morning.
(car doors close)
(door closes)
(doorbell buzzes)
- Yes?
- Mr. David Galaxy?
- Well that depends.
Are you her Majesty's collector of taxes?
- [Inspector] No sir.
- Ah splendid!
Would you by chance be
from the social security,
asking for your money back?
- [Inspector] Not exactly sir.
- You wouldn't be some
beautiful bird's boyfriend,
would you?
Coming out here to sort me out?
- [Inspector] No sir.
- Good, and then in that case,
I am David Galaxy.
- And I'm Chief Inspector
Evans of Scotland Yard.
I'd like to have a word with you sir.
- Yes certainly.
Do come up.
(door buzzes)
(elevator door opens)
(doorbell rings)
Ah Inspector,
(door slams)
Oh I'm so sorry.
- It's Chief Inspector actually, sir.
- Yes, how silly of me.
I mean one can't dismiss a lifetime of
parking people in the nick,
and then forget that one word
that made it oh so worthwhile.
Can one, Chief Inspector?
- Apology accepted in the
spirit in which it was given.
- Yes, well then that's all settled then.
Well, uh right little
rapeup this promises to be,
and far be it for me to
speed up the proceedings,
but I'm sure you must be late
at the forensic laboratories right now.
- I understand perfectly, sir.
- Sorry, Godot could be here any minute.
- Beg your pardon, sir, who?
- No it's all right.
Godot is a character in a
play called Waiting For Godot.
That's why I said that Godot could be,
and I was waiting for Godot,
and just forget it.
It's a puerile attempt at humour anyway.
Um, would you come this way?
Well, Chief Inspector,
what can I do for you?
- Oh it won't take long.
- Splendid!
Oh please don't think I'm not
acting like the perfect host,
but as you can see,
I do have a vast and
adoring public to attend to.
Can I get you a drink?
- Uh no thank you, sir,
this is an official visit.
- Of course, policemen
never drink on duty.
(laughs) It's been so long
since I watched them on the telly.
I'm so sorry it wasn't a bright.
- You have something to
do with astrology then?
No pun due chief
inspector, Chief Inspector,
When there is a like mind
like yours, you should go far.
- Thank you sir.
So often we police get
such sincere compliments
passed about.
- I can't understand why not.
These are a few of the replies
to the eager letters begging me
to tear aside the sun and
planetarium mysteries,
and reveal the truth of the years to come.
- I often look in the morning papers
to find out my own horoscope.
What about you, Sergeant?
- Oh not me, sir.
It's a racket.
- Oh thank you so much, Sergeant.
I knew I could rely on you
for a bit of rapier-like wit.
- It's got to apply to somebody somewhere.
Some are going to be lucky or unlucky.
For instance, this morning mine said,
I'm a Virgo by the way,
(David laughs)
Make good use of your
quiet sincere Virgo charm,
to overcome cynical and overbearing people
and you will achieve
your ultimate objective.
Promotion will be in the offing.
- Oh yes indeed, sir.
- You've got a very good
memory, Chief Inspector.
- Not really Mr. Galaxy.
I mean, my wife's a Gemini.
They told her just the
same thing two months ago.
No doubt, Mr. Galaxy,
you're dying to know,
why Sergeant Johnson and I have,
in astrological terms as it were,
collided with you.
Hey Sergeant?
- There was an occurrence five years ago.
In June, on the third inst.
- All right, Johnson, I'll do this.
It's only routine, sir.
We'd like you to help
us with our inquiries.
If you could tell us what you were doing
on the third of June, five years ago,
when we return, we'd be obliged.
All right Johnson.
- Now just a minute, Chief Inspector.
What's all this about?
- A securicle van was robbed, sir.
One of the guards was killed,
and the thieves got away
with 350,000 pounds.
I've been assigned to reopen the inquiry.
Very nice flat you have here, sir.
The astrology business
must be in very good shape.
- Well, I'm sorry Chief Inspector.
You've caught me on the hop this morning.
You see, I had a very restless night,
what with one thing.
- And the other, sir.
- No I do apologise though,
I could've at least offered
you a cup of coffee.
- Oh don't apologise, sir.
It's a sign of weakness.
- Don't apologise, it's
a sign of weakness.
That's the one.
It was John Wayne in the film,
She Wore A Yellow Ribbon.
And he said it to the young lieutenant.
- You could well be right, sir.
That painting of the weasel and the rat.
It's interesting, sir.
- Well it is mine.
You think I've nicked it?
- Oh no sir.
- You see, I once saw a
weasel confronting a rat.
It stuck in my mind.
You know the terrified
look on the rat's face?
I told my girlfriend about it,
I set it up.
You see, the rat realised
it couldn't escape.
- Yes sir.
Good afternoon, Mr. Galaxy.
We'll call again.
Come on, Sergeant.
- I'll see you out.
(rustling through drawer)
- [David Voiceover] Where
the hell are my diaries?
They bloody well should've been here.
Ah, got it!
Sanctuary.
(hits book)
Why pick on me now?
I would've expected them to,
when things went ever so
slightly different ten years ago.
That's when the fellows and
me were collecting a bit,
if you'll pardon the expression,
on the side.
(piano music)
That's Frank.
I believe he's the one.
Well, he's completely
grey, except for his hair.
He's come here to take back
his case of money on the table.
And the name of my game
is to see that he doesn't.
Uh huh, okay.
Still, I wonder if the guys are thinking
in the right spirit.
75 percent proof.
Say, this looks like trouble.
- Oh no, don't.
(gunshots)
(man screams)
(door closes)
(piano music)
(men laughing)
- [David Voiceover] No no,
that corpse ain't a corpse, suckers.
That's my old mate, Steve, see.
Well I guess if blood
pellets are good enough
for recipes,
they're good enough for me and Steve.
(men laughing)
He's a great fellow.
And now and again, and I do mean now,
we have a little fun.
Just for kicks.
Watch Steve in action again.
He enjoys his bit as much as
I enjoy my bit afterwards.
(brass band music)
- Here we are, my dear.
(door closes)
Um, it always helps to overcome shock
if you sort of unloosen,
the neck covering.
- Blimy, if you loosen them anymore,
you'll be treating me for paralysis.
(David laughs)
- Drinky, drinky?
- Please.
- Sit over there.
- Thank you.
Make it more ginger ale than
brandy, won't you David?
I don't want a large one.
- [David Voiceover] I did so hope
she was talking about the drink.
(mellow brass music)
- Just right.
The shock, isn't it?
- Yes, I did warn you, didn't I?
You see, you can't be
too careful about shock.
You better sort of, that's right,
just hang on to me.
Over here, that's what I do for a living.
I'm a doctor of astrology you know.
- Star charts.
- Oh yes, the science of the stars.
What is your star sign?
- Capricorn.
- Oh yes, Capricorn.
Venus and Mercury are both
well situated in your chart.
October 26th.
Yes, there's some action arising here,
concerned with your relatives.
- My sister's having a divorce.
- Oh yes, and love is
very much due to fall.
(mellow brass music)
- [David Voiceover] I
should've been an actor.
Not a Shakespearean actor though.
I've never been very fond of the Old Bard.
I mean, he's a bit unbelievable, isn't he?
Fancy writing stuff like,
all the world's a stage.
I mean if it is, where are all
the bleeding dressing rooms?
Anne was fine though.
You might say even, full of enthusiasm.
I enjoyed it up to the point.
You see, I said to her,
no darling, you're on top.
And after that, I had
this ridiculous thought.
Which almost ruined it for me.
I kept on hearing a bus conductor shout,
room for one more on top.
Room for one more on top.
I think she went for the astrology kick.
It's more romantic being
laid by an astrologer,
than a filing clerk.
It's odd, you know.
A lot of people seem to
think that people like me
con money out of starry-eyed ladies.
Now this is just about as true
as the prime minister
trying to persuade us
that crime does not pay.
And we all know that the only
way to stop crime paying,
is to nationalise it.
(mellow music)
Christ, I needed these two
like a gas boy needs another complaint.
- Good morning, Mr. Galaxy.
- You recognised me.
Good morning, Chief Inspector.
I'm sorry I can't stop for
a little tete-a-tete now,
I really must go.
- It won't take a jiffy, sir.
- I'll handle this one, Johnson.
- Oh, I'm in charge, do a little twirl.
Didn't he do well?
But I'll leave you two
to chat among yourselves.
I must be off.
- We want the details of your alibi, sir.
- My alibi is quite in order.
Take my word for it.
I'll leave you two to
chat among yourselves.
Excuse me.
- This is an official visit, sir.
- Official?
In that case, I believe
I can refuse to talk,
unless a solicitor is
present, and mine isn't.
Some other time perhaps?
(David whistles)
- Very sure of himself, sir.
- For the moment, yes.
They all start that way, Johnson.
Then they start to crack.
Quite an experience, watching them crack.
- Yeah, but if his
alibi is all right then.
- Once a crook, always a crook, Johnson.
- [David Voiceover]
Lunch with Susan Carter.
Marvellous.
Ta da!
- It would take a sheer genius
to dream up a disguise like that.
- My dear Watson, during
my life of combating crime,
I have suddenly realised
that the more obvious,
is the least discernible.
- Let me guess, Sidney Greenstreet?
- Not enough kindness
in the world, my dear.
Not enough kindness.
- Cary Grant.
- Cary Grant?
No, I'm Basil Rathbone.
I beg your pardon,
- [Both] but the bone's
stuck in my throat.
- You've heard it.
- No I thought with the dark glasses,
the stick and the limp, you know--
Or for instance, the little
Pakistani gentleman over there,
is hardly gonna say, oh good gracious me,
I'm long believing the
turban's (indistinct)
Can my eyes actually be clapping sight
of Mr. David Galaxy
and the beautiful lady,
who should not go on meeting like this.
- I have to go in a minute.
- Listen, call it out that
you're sick or something.
- No, it's very important.
If I don't turn up for the
debate and vote against it,
we could lose.
Then I'd be in trouble.
Hap tight.
- Just my luck, isn't it.
To fall for a bleeding M.P.
Hang on, I'll tell you what.
Why don't you get a divorce and marry me?
You can still go on
destroying the country.
I mean, I wouldn't mind.
I really do have to go in a minute.
So let's drop the subject.
Now, I shall be in town again on the 14th.
And an evening's free.
So if you could come around.
(brass music)
(mellow music)
- There you are girls.
Hi David, I won't keep you long.
- Look David, just about
getting on my tits.
- Well good for you, what did he say?
- He said, that was the bleeding idea.
(girls laugh)
- My usual, please.
- Right, starting with
lightly crushed ice?
- Excellent, and now a
slice of lemon, please.
Preferably shredded and Spanish
from the southern plains.
And now a large pinnego of gin.
Merely covering with
soupcon of dry martini.
And this time, not too well shaken.
- [Bartender] There you are sir.
- Thank you.
- Thank you, Coldfinger.
What are you doing tonight?
- I'm going to meet Amanda in a minute
for my psychiatric session.
- Oh, she'll soon straighten you out.
- Only straight?
The last place I want to be is out.
- Right on.
(mellow funk music)
- [Girls] Piss off!
- Lovely ladies.
- Hey Dave.
Same again, Joe.
How did you get on with
the traffic warden?
Did you score?
- Did I score?
I made the Chelsea
football team look sick.
(David laughs)
- I hope the performance
was a good as the line.
- Do you doubt me?
- No way.
- Cheers!
- Listen, Dave, me and the
club staff have got an idea.
That's really you.
- Yeah?
- Yeah, walk with me.
- Wait a moment, will I get arrested?
- Over here.
- (laughs) Come on
Steve, I mean I know you.
What are you gonna make out of this?
- Oh you'll make something too.
And money as well.
- Okay what's the score?
I've got to meet Amanda in a few minutes.
Just what else have I got to make?
- You ever heard of Millicent Cumming?
- Good God, yes, she's a living legend.
The only girl in the world who's
never had an orgasm, right?
- That's right.
Ever seen her?
- No, but from all accounts,
I think she makes the Venus De Milo
look like a little poor
deprived child, right? (laughs)
- Cop this for size.
- Jesus.
- Oh Jesus, never came
back looking like that.
- He wouldn't be short
of disciples if he did.
Well?
- How would you like to lay her?
And make a profit on the side too as well.
If it works.
- What do you mean, if it works?
I never failed to make
or break a safe yet.
- We've only found a
bookie willing to lay odds
that you'll join the other
1,750 nick's failures she's had.
- I say I say I say, I
resemble that remark.
No, it's a bloody insult.
I'm not going to stand for that.
- No no, do yourself while you do it.
(both laugh)
No, leave it to me, I'll fix it.
Are we gonna clean up on you, babe.
And we'll put a score
on for you too as well.
How's that?
- Look, the venue.
I'd like it at my place, if it's possible.
- Sure, sure, that's all right.
What Millie asks, will travel.
(David laughs)
- You dirty sot.
- Look, I've gotta piss off.
Gotta be in bed.
- Wouldn't you normally bite
the lobe of my left ear?
My first instinct is to scream stitches,
and my second (indistinct)
But tonight, you've got a problem.
- A problem?
So what?
- A problem affects performance,
and a bad performance is a waste of time.
So, that's the problem.
- My problem, my angel,
walks around in a raincoat,
under the name of Chief
Inspector Evans of Scotland Yard.
My problem that is, not the raincoat.
- Having trouble with the police?
Are you?
- I don't know.
You see, he came to see me this morning.
And he wanted to know
where I was five years ago,
on June the third.
- How odd!
- Look, let's not let
Chief Inspector Evans
spoil our evening.
Let's get down to the problems in hand.
- But seriously, are you in the clear?
- Of course.
It just so happens that I keep a diary.
So five years ago, I met this
nice little old man in a pub.
He was going to see his wife in hospital.
He got no transport, so
I offered him a lift.
And I've got their names
and addresses to prove it.
- So you have no problem.
What a handsome good Samaritan you are.
- Not really.
I just wasn't doing anyone at the time.
(David farts)
- Jesus, you bastard!
- Holy mackerel, Amos.
Hmm, the gospel (speaks in accent)
- You bastard!
- Come on love, it was an accident.
- Piss off!
- What's the bloody
hassle, everybody farts!
Oh no, don't tell me.
I mean everybody farts, but one.
You.
- Here you are then.
Now then.
Here's to a lovely
evening for you and David.
- I couldn't really care less.
I'm past caring.
- Oh come on, lady love,
this can't be you talking.
- I can assure you, it is.
My mouth opened, the words
came out, didn't they?
(Steve coughs)
What's the matter?
Talks too much?
- No no no, it's just that,
well, I was just thinking, it's
a great pity you're waiting,
because he's such a charming guy.
- Oh God, not another charming guy.
I am sick of charming guys.
How do they see things?
There's something else in this world,
apart from me lying on my back,
with my legs wide apart for charming guys.
- I know, I know.
I was only trying to help you.
You see, David needs reassurance.
He's my best friend, the
one I told you about.
Your little problem,
I thought, well it would
help if you two got together.
I don't blame you feeling the way you do.
Mind you, a chat might develop.
- A chat?
- Yeah, now I know what I'm
talking about when I tell you,
David didn't want to meet you.
- Oh didn't he?
- No no, it's not like that babe.
What it was was,
David didn't want to
embarrass you, that's all.
You see, he doesn't get about much.
It was your photograph when he saw it.
Now he thought you had beauty.
But it was your warmth that did it.
- My warmth?
- He'd kill me if he knew I told you this.
But he said that he thought
that you had inner loveliness.
- Jesus, he's sure got a way with words.
- Promise me you'll never
tell him that I told you that.
For Saint Peter's sake.
- Sounds like a nice guy.
- A diamond.
- I wonder if he could
help me with my problem.
I doubt it.
It's worth a try.
Could he meet me on Wednesday week?
- Oh Millie, God bless you, you's a saint.
(kisses hand)
Think of it as charity work.
- No better getting upset at
every little thing like that.
Where's your sense of humour?
You can't get it all down there.
I'm not staying here tonight,
I'm sleeping on the sofa.
You really are a silly little boy.
- Well you're the psychiatrist.
You should know something like
that can deflate your ego.
- Not only the ego.
My God, what a sight to see
you getting into bed naked.
So proud of your precious tool.
Well it was pretty funny
last night when it went,
(blows loudly)
Dedicated to you and the
only love of your life.
Your prick.
With my little thick
or black ball rock
Rum ma tum I stroll
It may be sticky but I shan't complain
And long as I can
have it now and again
Shit!
It's flat, it's just a mantle
for your dirty, squalid little life,
and I'm gonna get out of here,
before I get contaminated by it.
(jazz music)
(phone rings)
- Yes hello?
Yeah, hi Steve.
- You're on.
Well, it took a bit of sweet talking, but
once I turn it on, baby,
they drop everything.
- I know what the odds are,
but I want to at least
make a monkey out of this.
Five hundred, not a chimpanzee. (laughs)
- Yeah, ciao David.
Talk to you soon.
- [David Voiceover] Steve had fixed up
the contest with Millie.
Also, he was gonna put
something in the kitty for me.
If I put something in the pussy for him.
(doorbell buzzes)
(door closes)
Ah, it's my friendly copper,
arriving as arranged dead on time.
Dead? No no.
That's wishful thinking.
- Peek a boo!
- Good morning, Mr. Galaxy.
Chief Inspector Evans here.
- Yes Chief Inspector Evans.
Do come up!
(door opens)
Good morning in the flesh.
Let me take your coat.
- Thank you very much.
Please go through.
Well then Inspector, are
we waiting for Godot?
- Who sir?
- Your Sergeant Johnson.
- Oh no sir, this is an unofficial visit.
- Ah well, do take a pew, Chief Inspector.
Don't worry, you'll catch
anything on your trousers
in my place,
I've got a very high class
bird up here, you know.
- For sure.
- Good Lord, it's opening time already.
Can I get you something?
- That's very kind of you, Mr. Galaxy.
- What would you like?
- Well, let's start with some crushed ice,
followed by some lemon,
preferably Spanish and shredded
from the south of Spain.
A large pinnego of gin,
and covered by the smallest soupcon
- [Both] Of the dry martini.
(men laugh)
- Very good.
Well unfortunately, my private
plane is late coming in,
and I'm right out of lemons.
As you know, without the lemons,
you might as well drink scotch.
It's not a bad anaesthetic
for the early morning liver.
- Scotch will do fine,
with just the softest touch of tap water.
- Certainly.
I'm so glad you chose scotch.
For three reasons.
One, because it's my favourite.
Second, because it's a very good brand.
And third, I've run
out of everything else.
Ah, cheers!
Here's to El Cid.
El C.I.D.
- I'll drink to that, sir.
- I think you'll find what
you've been looking for,
over this way, Inspector.
I think you'll find this
clears me, Inspector.
It's the address of the
old couple I was with,
on the third.
- So so, Mr. Galaxy.
- Why in God's name did you
pick on me in the first place?
- It's the higher-ups, sir, not me.
We reopened the suspect file
on the Securicle robbery,
found a witness who had seen you
near the scene of the crime that day.
If I'm not keeping you.
- No no, nobody keeps the
self-employed, Inspector.
You should know that.
- I appreciate the
hospitality, Mr. Galaxy.
We coppers don't often meet
generous people like yourself.
- Ah, you're welcome.
Call on anytime.
- We all have our fortunes
told now and again,
when we're kids.
It didn't seem possible that grown-ups,
adults should take it seriously.
- Astrology is a very serious
subject, Chief Inspector.
It's not material.
It's not something you
can put your finger on,
like a little brown nipple
on a well-rounded boobie.
It's like a religion.
It has a basis for belief,
but it does give them
something to cling onto.
- I can understand that.
I'm an atheist.
- Oh, so your belief is no belief.
- Yes, I suppose so.
Surely, Mr. Galaxy,
and I mean this with every
respect to your profession.
Surely an intelligent person--
- Excuse me.
Would you say that Adolf
Hitler was unintelligent?
- [Inspector] No.
- But he based his whole
campaign on the stars.
- And he lost.
- Yes, only when he
went against the stars.
You see, he thought he was all-powerful.
When he disregarded the stars,
in the final phase, and attacked Russia,
instead of Great Britain,
sorry, as you were once known,
he lost.
- Tell me, when you
give astrological advice
to your clients,
do you honestly believe it yourself?
- Let me tell you
something, Chief Inspector.
When you called here the other day,
with Sergeant Johnson,
after you left, one of
the first things I did,
was consult my horoscope.
- Jesus.
- That's not bad for an atheist.
- Thanks once again for you
hospitality, Mr. Galaxy.
Pity we won't be meeting again.
- Yes, I shall have to find something else
to fill up my time.
- I'll check your evidence.
- Yes, do that.
They're a nice old couple, the Stones.
I only met them the once.
She was very sick in hospital at the time.
But when you see them, give them my love.
- I will, sir.
- [David Voiceover] Yes I agree with you.
A great little Lula.
She escaped, my au pair girl.
What a pair!
- Hey hey, hello darling!
Two morrow!
Look tomorrow!
Two morrow!
Don't bring the brat.
(dialling phone)
(phone rings)
Hello hello hello.
- David?
- (in foreign accent) Sure me ahem.
- Oh good good, this is Anne.
My hubby Eddie's on his way around.
- Why, does he want to watch?
What made Eddie suspicious?
- Well, I suppose it all
started with the colonel
up at 19 Erskin Road.
- The who?
- [Anne] The colonel up at 19 Erskin Road.
You do understand, don't you David?
I had to give him your name and address,
or he'd have found out
about me and Gascoigne.
- Darling, Gascoigne comes, if
that's the right expression,
as an anticlimax, if that's
the right expression,
at this precise moment in time.
(door buzzes)
I think the goliath, Eddie, is approaching
his poor little David.
(doorbell buzzes)
- [David Voiceover] I had
just the answer to Eddie.
My savage dog affects deep.
Some growls from that, and
a touch of poofy acting.
It always saves the rough stuff.
No no, I'm not a coward.
I just hate to see my body abused.
(dog barking)
(doorbell buzzes)
(dog barks)
- Ooh look at the muck on here.
Shut that door!
To whom it may concern.
I must warn you that I don't encourage
any holocausts, squares
or non-blondes here.
Fang, if you don't stop growling dear,
I'll have to come over and give you a ride
in your own nettle.
(dog growling)
I'm sorry Treasure.
- Excuse me.
Is there a Mr. David Galaxy?
- Fang!
Sorry Treasure, you see my friends
are more fond of a touch of the vapours.
(barking drowns out David)
Fang now do get on, I've got
to check with the caller.
- Bleeding Hell.
(dog growling)
- You were saying?
Shit!
Oh shit, it's that dog.
It's just like the rag dolls.
- Well, I've got a bunch of
five for a Mr. David Galaxy.
- Oh now where's the fun in it?
Don't be camp!
(dog barking)
Fang, will you stop
that, it's so unhygienic.
Fang if you don't stop it,
Are you a big man?
- Well, what if I am?
I didn't come around for any of that.
- You so appear to be, oh!
Ooh Fang!
Your back's to the wall with this dog.
Oh no darling, sorry dear.
Let's get on to serious
business, shall we?
- Well I'm here because--
- What? Hey Darkie!
Look. Mr. David Galaxy
never had his nutshaws
in anyone's business.
We don't make some mistake between here.
Which I very much doubt,
I mean, oh I mean David
left here a long time ago.
(kicks building)
(doorbell rings)
Phew, I'd forgotten the
whole world was coming.
- Ah good afternoon, Mr. Galaxy.
- Mr. Pringle, madam, please do come in.
What an absolutely
underwhelming surprise visit.
- Oh witty, very witty.
I'd like to introduce you to the new owner
of our block of flats.
Miss Jenny Stride.
- Really, it's so nice of you to call.
- How do you do?
- Would you like a drink?
- No I don't think Miss Stride--
- Thank you, Mr. Pringle.
I am perfectly capable
of answering for myself.
- Yes of course.
I spoke without thinking.
I do apologise.
- Thank you, Mr. Pringle.
Like my late mother and father,
I seldom ever touch alcohol.
- Like me.
I was merely going to
suggest tea or coffee.
With or without milk and sugar?
- Coffee would be fine, no sugar.
And just a touch of milk.
- Ah fine!
Something stronger for you
of course, Mr. Pringle.
- No no no, especially while I'm on duty.
If I could just have some coffee, please.
- Aha, certainly.
Oh I'm sorry, when I said, have a drink,
you saw the bar and thought I meant,
(laughs) oh that's funny.
It's funny.
No, I occasionally have
a friend round here,
who does like the odd drink,
but I only use alcohol
for medicinal purposes.
- What an interesting
flat you have, Mr. Galaxy.
- A small correction, Miss Stride.
What an interesting flat you have.
Do look around.
I'll get the coffee.
- What a nice man.
- Oh a real gentle of the stride.
- And that is rather a
really beautiful table.
I do so like antiques.
- Oh me as well, I always have done.
- Oh, oh!
- Are you all right, Miss Stride?
- Is everything all right, Miss Stride?
- Get a large brandy for her.
- No no no no please.
Please, it's just the sight
of those two awful vermin
staring at one another.
- No arguments, doctor's orders.
- Well if you insist.
Oh that's better.
My late dear mother
and father always said,
that when one feels faint,
one should take a deep breath.
(Miss Stride breathes deeply)
That's better.
My head is clearing already.
(cuckoo clock chimes)
Ah, the coffee's ready.
- [Miss Stride] Mr. Galaxy.
- Yes?
- What sort of business are you in?
- Why, I study the stars.
I'm in astrology, why?
- Well I just happened to see
that rather large pile of
letters on your bureau.
- Well that's just a few words of advice.
For my fans.
- Oh, I'm so pleased to hear it.
Because of course you do realise,
that anyone carrying on
business from my premises,
cannot possibly stay here.
- Of course.
I'll get the coffee.
- [David Voiceover] The next day,
a letter from Miss Stride appeared.
Together with Kate and
an unexpected friend.
(doorbell rings)
- This is my friend.
- May I take your coat?
Do sit down.
(speaks in foreign language)
Oh sorry, would you like a drink?
- Ooh yes please, I'd love one.
(disco music)
- Come on, leave it!
(disco music)
- [David Voiceover] Miss Stride, why why?
(knocking on door)
- Come in.
- Miss Stride?
- Mr. Pringle, I want you to
be perfectly honest with me.
- Yes, I would like to
point out, Miss Stride--
- Not about yourself.
- If I say so myself, I do my
job to the best of my ability.
- Mr. Pringle, I merely want
to ask you a simple question.
In confidence.
- As I explained, Miss Stride,
I do have the occasional
drink when I'm off duty.
When I'm pursuing my (laughs)
- Didn't you hear what I said?
It's not about yourself.
I'm perfectly happy with your work.
Would you please come
further into the room?
I'm tired of raising my voice.
How well do you know David Galaxy?
- Yes, well although I am manager
of the flats, Miss Stride,
I do pride myself,
in fact, no one in my entire
career could ever accuse me,
of prying into people's private affairs,
because I believe in loyalty and the job.
- I can see that.
Thank you, Mr. Pringle.
- Thank you, Miss Stride.
And if there's anything I can do,
please ask.
- And furthermore, the trust
would like to be advised
of any action taken in this matter.
Yours faithfully, et cetera et cetera.
(knocking on door)
Come in.
- Mr. David Galaxy to see you ma'am.
- Oh, show him in, would
you please, Janice?
- Certainly, Miss Stride.
- Ah, Mr. Galaxy, do sit down.
- Oh thank you.
I apologise for this sudden
royal command, as it were.
I do hope it wasn't too inconvenient.
- No, of course not.
It's nice to see you.
So soon.
- Now I know it's well past closing time.
But even my dear mother
and father didn't say no
to the occasional sherry on
certain social occasions.
And this is mainly social.
- [David] How delightful,
yes thank you, I'd love one.
- [David Voiceover] I felt a
slight chill stealing over me.
It was intuition.
It was also the Chief
Inspector Evans technique.
Jesus, keep charming, I told myself.
And I kept the smile.
It was difficult.
What did she want?
- Cheers.
- Cheers.
I like your, my flat, Mr. Galaxy.
- So nice of you to call.
Yes, I love it there.
Well, it's part of me.
It's my life.
Actually, I'd like to pay
my rent so far in advance,
that when I die, my coffin
and I lie there forever.
- Sweet thought.
A little morbid, don't you think?
- It's sheer heaven if
you're Count Dracula.
(both laugh)
Well, Miss Stride, as much as
I'm enjoying this pleasant,
uh tete-a-tete,
there must be some sort of reason
why you've invited me to your office.
- Mundane really.
Yes, it concerns your friends.
How well do you know
Chief Inspector Evans?
- Oh no, not Chief Inspector
Evans of all people.
Well, he's a great character, why?
- He was up here the
other day, that's all.
- Really?
Oh don't take too much notice of him.
I mean, he's a lovely fellow.
But Miss Stride, I like you.
So listen to me, for God's sake.
You see, the Chief Inspector
is a bit of a womaniser.
So don't believe all he tells you.
I should hate for you
to fall for that one.
See, if you've asked
me up here for advice,
as obviously you have--
- I don't need your advice.
The Inspector.
- No I'm sorry no.
You mustn't call him Inspector.
I said that, yes.
He wants the full Chief Inspector.
- He merely wanted the
terms of your contract.
- Really?
- [David Voiceover] I'm off to the races.
Naturally, I only bet on the fillies.
(dramatic music)
- Hound him.
- [David Voiceover] I didn't
realise when I got into my car,
and drove off,
that the inscrutable
Chief Inspector Evans,
was waiting outside my
flat all ready to tail me.
Don't ask me why.
What did he think I was going to do?
Flog my binoculars for the
fair and skip the country?
Funny fellows, coppers.
I've always classed them
as men with mental fears.
Never mind, what was I thinking about?
Oh yeah, Susan Carter, the M.P.
You know, M.P.s are on the
same level as the police
in the mental barrier states.
They never give you a straight
answer to your question.
You say, lovely morning, isn't it?
And what does that M.P. reply?
Nothing so simple as a yes or a no.
He says I've been asked
that question before,
and I refuse to comment.
You know, if idiots like
you and I didn't give them
a comfortable living,
we'd have another 600
no-hopers in the adult queue,
now wouldn't we?
Anyway, I was looking forward to my day.
I would spend the day in
the member's enclosure,
and the night enclosed in Susan's member.
(Announcer shouting results)
- [Announcer] Yes, Happy Birthday,
Happy Birthday's the winner!
- I told you put your money on it.
But you wouldn't believe me.
- [David Voiceover] This is where
the astrologer comes in handy.
How can all those punters expect to win?
For those of you who've
never been to the races,
it's very simple.
You go to the window,
put a pony on your horse,
and with luck, you make
a monkey out of it.
I work it out by the stars.
Let's have a look at the runners.
Jules' Bride, My Father, Out Of Pocket,
well Jules' Bride, first
sign is the trousers,
Sagittarius to you, which says,
oho whoops, I mean, he's off.
Now then, where was I?
Oh yes, which means happy
news of a personal nature.
Very short.
As I said, we don't like
beggars, so scrub that.
Now then, what's this?
Sintillate.
I wonder what he does after late.
Naughty girl.
Capricorn, capricious, uninhibited,
Lucky birthday, the 23rd.
Today is the 23rd.
I'll have a bit of Naughty Girl.
Good thinking.
(horses running)
(announcer shouting)
- Come on Naughty Girl.
Come on girl!
- [Announcer] Yes, it's
gonna be Naughty Girl.
- [David Voiceover] Ah Susan!
Elegant, sophisticated, dignified,
every time we had it her way,
it was like making love with an accent.
- Hi Steve.
- Hi Joe, give us a
large scotch, will you?
Well, it's an early start
here for drinking, isn't it?
- How you gonna bug David's bed?
- It's easy, isn't it?
I promise to deliver some booze
that fell off the back of a lorry,
get my meaning?
He's left me his keys to get in,
just in case he's out.
Which he will be.
Hey listen, I'm looking forward to this.
Well, I've never heard a blow
by blow coverage, really.
- Neither have I.
I've arranged for the club to
be closed the whole evening.
For a private function.
- Oh that's masterly, masterly.
- A bit wicked.
- Just a few of us.
- A few turtle doves?
- Of course.
The whole idea of the unsuspecting boy,
just in case he's gone,
is we put out extra beds.
Which it will be going well.
- Nice one, Moriarty.
I think I'll join you.
- I'll buy you a round.
(doorbell buzzes)
- Yes?
Inspector Evans.
Come in.
- A lovely morning Mr. Galaxy.
- Ah gentlemen, do come in.
I'm sorry, you are in.
Can I offer you something?
A soft drink?
A gin, whiskey, vodka, brandy?
Cyanide?
- A bit early in the morning
for poison, Mr. Galaxy.
Eh Sergeant?
- Oh yes.
- So as it's not a strictly
official visit, why not?
I think I'd like a vodka with
a soda, no ice, thank you.
They've got a nerve, charging
for tonics these days.
Drinks cost enough as it is.
- Indeed, sir.
- Chief Inspector.
- Thank you, sir.
- Nothing for you, Constable?
- Sergeant, sir.
- Of course.
- I'd like a ginger ale.
- Perfect.
Feel free.
Now, Chief Inspector,
what's all this about?
- That's very nice.
- Oh yes, I always feel
that the soda helps to
drive it down, and it gives it a sort of
distinctive and individual flavour.
- I agree, sir.
It's quite a flavour with the wife.
Mr. Galaxy, you haven't got an alibi.
(dramatic music)
- Good God Almighty.
Chief Inspector, the
old couple, the Stones?
It's true.
I mean, it's in my diary
and it's bloody true.
- I've no doubt, sir.
There was an elderly couple
living at the address you gave me,
and the wife was in hospital.
- Well, that's all right then.
What else do you want?
- A couple of dead bodies can hardly
testify to an alibi, can they?
You're going to have to
think again, Mr. Galaxy.
What else did you do on that day?
You must've been out
somewhere with somebody.
Or in somewhere with somebody.
Come on, man, think!
- I'll grant you Chief Inspector, yeah.
Well I will think about it,
and I'll call you tomorrow perhaps.
- I think we can leave now, Sergeant.
It seems that Mr. Galaxy is
too big to accept our help.
- I'm sorry, Chief Inspector, it's just,
well, the thing is this,
I'm under suspicion for robbery,
possibly murder,
now come on, man, you
put yourself in my place.
- Mr. Galaxy, I'm trying to help you,
so I believe what you're saying.
But you could be facing a murder rap.
- I'm sorry.
Well, I'm not used to
friendly and helpful coppers.
And I'm savouring the experience.
- I'm basking in it, sir.
You see, Mr. Galaxy,
you're the only suspect
we have without an alibi.
Isn't that right, Sergeant.
- Oh indeed, sir.
- Exactly, now we'd better
start from the beginning.
You get your diary.
We'll go through it together.
We'll find something.
Go on, man, get it.
- Yes, thank you.
(suspenseful music)
I think you'll find everything in there.
- Thank you, sir.
(suspenseful music)
I thought you said you
kept a detailed account
of your activities.
- That's right, I do.
- You don't, you know.
Look at these blanks.
The whole day blank here.
- And this one, sir, the calendar.
- The calendar is hardly relevant.
What happens in these blanks?
- This is strictly confidential.
- So is twenty years, sir.
- For the last year, years I've been,
dating Susan Carter, the M.P.
- [Inspector] So?
- She's married.
She doesn't want our
affair to be made public.
That's why I've kept the pages blank.
In case that diary gets
into the wrong hands.
- And you saw her on June the third?
- Yeah, that's right.
I picked her up at Victoria.
Took her right to my place.
Via Shepard's Bush.
- Shepard's Bush?
Put your notebook away, Johnson.
- Yes, put your notebook away.
Yes, well you see what happened,
we went there to pick up
some booze and oysters.
You know what they say about oysters.
Yeah, well this man at the Bush,
if you'll pardon the expression,
he guarantees his oysters,
and he's got nine children to prove it.
- Suddenly, you're putting it together.
Now allow me, I'll be very discrete.
As long as I've got her
word that you were with her,
forget it.
The whole matter is dropped.
A small libation for the
road, wouldn't you, sir?
- Yes, thanks Chief Inspector.
Certainly, Chief Inspector.
I think we agree to keep
this off the record,
no matter what?
- With a murder rap
hanging over your head,
it would take a real
coward not to support you.
- Yes, well I think I'll
give her a quick ring,
tell her there's nothing to worry about.
- [Inspector] I wouldn't do that, sir.
I've met this sort before.
You stay out of it, leave it all to me.
- Oh excuse me.
- Thank you.
Here's to the rat.
All we have to do now
Johnson is wait here,
until I can say I told you so.
- You think he will go
out and find her, sir.
- Oh yes, he'll reckon
we've got his phone tapped.
He thinks he's clever.
The only thing for these clever clogs
is to be just one jump ahead.
- I think he's beginning
to crack, don't you, sir?
Hold on there, Johnson,
it's quite fun watching the
process, if you're a sadist.
I suppose I am a bit of a sadist.
Bloody criminals.
He's due for a spell inside, our friend.
Teach him to keep on
the straight and narrow.
There you are.
What'd I tell you?
You owe me ten p, come on, hand it over.
(dialling phone)
- [David Voiceover] Was Evans
really trying to help me?
Or was he doing his police
concert party piece?
I wished I knew.
(phone rings)
- Hello, yes.
Can I speak to Miss,
Mrs. Susan Carter please?
Yes, I'll hang on.
- Yes, Mr. Quilt, what is your problem?
- Darling, yes.
Listen, this is urgent.
(door opens)
- Put it over there.
They're not here yet.
I'll tend to the movie, right?
(suspenseful music)
- Come on darling, of course I'm innocent.
No, I don't know why he's
blaming me for all this.
He's got me on his wanted list.
(suspenseful music)
- Put one in.
- What for?
- They'll put the bar in the bedroom.
BBC.
- Look darling, I mean
the last thing in the world I want to do,
is involve you, but if I don't,
I'm facing a murder charge.
Look Susan, darling, if
it meant anything to you,
could you ahem?
- Of course I will.
- I love you.
See you soon.
Bye.
- Hi David, baby.
It's Steve.
Yeah, we're at the Concordia,
having a bit of a pint.
Hey listen, madam arrived yet?
- Not yet.
- Ah well, best of luck!
Oh, an additional bet.
Yeah, an additional bet.
She never spends the night with anyone.
Right, okay?
So if you can manage to persuade her,
there's some extra bread coming your way.
Hey, and suck sex. (laughs)
- Suck sex.
- Hey, Millie's due at any minute, okay?
So what we'll do is we'll give
them a little bit of privacy
for about an hour.
There's no point in plugging
this thing in yet, is there?
When it's starting, come on.
(doorbell buzzes)
- Hello.
Yes, is that Millie?
Well, come right in darling.
I'll leave the main door open for you.
Looking forward to meeting you.
- [David Voiceover] I felt like
how Muhammad Ali must feel.
Meeting his opponent for the first time.
Except that once I got Millie on her back,
I'd hoped she'd want to stay
there until I was counted out.
- Hello, looks as if you've
got a great place there.
If I get to see it.
- I'm sorry, I was sort
of drinking you in.
Sort of an aperitif before dinner?
- Thank you.
- I'll take your coat.
You're incredibly beautiful.
Can I get you a drink?
- Campari and soda please.
(romantic music)
Cheers.
- Cheers.
I thought dinner for two
would be more civilised
than a quick bark from
Fido and then good night.
- Who's Fido?
- Fido is in there..
He has two friends in a little kennel.
I told him, if he's a good boy,
in an hour, he can come out
and see a beautiful lady.
- (laughs) You're funny.
I love men that make me laugh.
- I wanna show you something.
- You mean Fido?
- No, I want to see how the
stars are working for you.
- What is this, a wake?
It's supposed to be a party.
Come on, drink up damn you!
(patrons chatter)
- To the future.
- The future.
You know, you're not at all
how Steve described you.
- Really?
(patrons laughing)
- [Steve] Right.
What a party.
- It'll make me a rich man, a rich man.
- That was a super dinner, darling.
I'm so glad I came tonight.
- That comes later.
- Well, we should be
about starter's orders.
- Right.
- Plug it in.
(patrons chatter)
- Millie.
- David, mmm.
- Come with me, Millie.
(static crackling)
- [Millie] David!
David, David!
(Millie groans)
(Steve laughs)
(Millie breathing hard)
(Millie screams)
- What a boy!
- If I were with him now, I'd be praying.
Praying for him to lay me.
- You never go down on
your knees for me love.
- I wouldn't be on my knees to him.
I'd be on my back.
(patrons laughing)
I'd be on my knees afterwards.
(patrons laugh)
(Millie groaning)
- Right, okay you got it?
(Steve laughs)
(patrons chattering)
- One born every minute.
(David grunts)
(Millie groaning)
(patrons chattering)
- I'll tell you what I'm gonna do,
double up on David winning tonight.
- The score for me is right.
(Steve laughs)
(Millie groaning)
- Millie, Millie.
(Millie screaming)
Come on, yes.
Yes yes yes yes.
(Millie and David groaning)
- Do it now, do it now.
(Millie panting)
- Come on my son!
Come on my son!
- Yes yes.
- [Millie] Oh yes, yes!
- Come on, come on.
(Millie groaning)
(patrons laughing)
- He'll never get her off.
(patrons yelling)
(Millie yelling)
(Millie screams)
(Steve shouts)
(patrons cheering)
- I can't believe it.
You actually made me come.
It's marvellous, David.
This feeling.
When can I see you again?
- The night is still young.
- Listen, tell you what we'll do.
Let's just take out greedy
bookmakers to the cleaners.
(patrons chattering)
What do you want?
Come on baby, come on with me.
- What's happened to your usual bonhommie?
Has it disappeared up
your proverbial whistle?
- I'm sorry, sir, I've
come here to charge you.
- Hey?
Why charge me?
- Because you have no alibi, sir.
- Come off it, Chief Inspector.
Even you can't go against
the word of an M.P.
And Susan Carter told me she'd back me up
to the proverbial hilt.
- That's just the trouble, sir.
She didn't.
I told you not to phone her.
I said leave it to me.
And I said, I'd seen this sort before.
She changed her mind.
They always do, if you
give them time to think.
Better pour yourself a drink, sir.
I think you'll need one.
- You?
- Not on duty, sir.
She not only denied knowing
you, or having heard of you,
she said if it came to your case,
her husband will back her up.
- She's lying.
- I know that.
You know that and she knows that.
- You know?
- Oh yes yes, I saw you
leaving her apartment the other night.
- Well, you know I'm innocent.
- Yes, my word doesn't
mean a thing against this.
What it boils down to, Mr. Galaxy,
is that an eyewitness will swear that
you drove the getaway car.
Now if you can't provide
proof that you're innocent,
the law says you're guilty.
- Look, give me a couple of days.
There must be somebody
who can vouch for me.
The oyster seller.
- He's not there anymore, sir.
I've checked.
And I'll go along with you,
I mean twenty years is a long time,
against a couple of days.
Good luck, sir.
I hope you find somebody.
Sergeant Johnson and I
will let ourselves out.
You see what I mean, Johnson?
Nice to watch crooks reeling on a hook.
- Oh yes indeed, sir.
- Amanda darling.
Yes, I'm in a most terrifying spot here.
I'm being set up for a murder charge.
What do you mean, a sausage?
I'm innocent.
Well for God's sake, Amanda listen to me.
No don't--
(dial tone buzzes)
- Back to the Yard, I think Johnson.
My word, I wish I had all the money
he's going to spending on phone calls.
- Steady, lad, steady.
You're not the head of
the one with prison's
escape committee just yet.
Be it ever so (phone
tone drowns out David)
(dialling phone)
- Hello?
- Hello Mum.
- Oh, what do you want?
- What, well nothing really.
Well, I just want to
know how everybody was.
- Doing very well without you, thank you.
- Time flies, you know how it is.
Actually, Mum, I was
leaning out to find out
what you and Dad would like
for your wedding anniversary present.
I know it's sometime this month.
- You're a bit late for that.
It was two months ago.
- Better late than never, hey?
Oh come on, Mum, what would you like?
- A son who appreciates
his parents, that's all.
- But I do.
- You ignored Steven's christening.
And when your brother Tom
went into the hospital,
with appendicitis,
he could've died for all you cared.
It turned to peritonitis.
- Look Mum, I'm very fond of Tom.
You know that, don't you?
- You're ashamed of them,
and you're ashamed of us.
You've given yourself a good education.
And who gave you the chance for it?
Your father and me.
Fat lot you care about us.
- Mother, don't say that then.
Now you're hurting me.
- You hurt?
I can't tell you how
you've hurt all of us.
We never want to see you again.
- Mum please.
There's something I want you to do for me.
- Why should I?
You don't help anybody except yourself.
Goodbye David.
(dial tone buzzes)
(mother crying)
- Steve.
That's right, good old Steve.
Please don't be on the phone, Steve.
(dialling phone)
Hey, hi Steve.
- Hi David.
- I'm being set up for a murder charge.
Yes, I'm bloody innocent.
It's a frame up.
Well it's just that,
if I can't get anybody to alibi me,
for the third of June
five bloody years ago,
I'm gonna go down for twenty years.
What do you mean, you would?
You'd say you were with me?
- Yeah right, well I would you.
- God bless you.
See you later.
Yeah.
Good Steve.
Oh I love you, mate.
- [David Voiceover] Reprieved.
Steve, thank God for you.
(phone rings)
Suddenly I wanted to celebrate.
And when the phone rang, I
thought my prayers were answered.
Want to know who it was?
Remember Miss Beautybust?
That's right, Sandra.
- Want to do something different?
- You mean there's an alternative to sex?
- You come with me, love.
(suspenseful music)
- It's your birthday.
Allow me.
Now this won't make me go blind, will it?
Just hope I don't have to wear glasses.
You're so forceful.
(suspenseful music)
- Can you get free?
- No.
- Good.
(suspenseful music)
- That's a bit tight, a bit tight.
(suspenseful music)
(doorbell rings)
- Hey where are you going?
What about me?
Don't answer the bloody door.
I feel ridiculous as it is, darling.
A bloody trick nurse?
What are you doing?
- Everything ready, Jill?
- You're really mad!
Bloody untie me!
- In a few moment's time,
we'll see the end of your sex life, David.
You won't be able to go around boasting
about screwing girls anymore.
- Oh come on, Christ, let me bloody go!
Oh come on, a bastard doesn't deserve--
No, no!
Shit!
- Don't worry, we'll leave
you enough of it left to pee.
(David screams)
- You won't feel a
thing, until you wake up.
- No. (crying)
- Will you hold it for me, Sandra?
- And in your own interest, sir,
I should stay out of this affair.
- Look I'm a good mate
of David's, Inspector.
- Chief Inspector.
- Chief Inspector.
I've already told you, I was
with David on June the third.
Five years ago.
- You weren't, sir.
I'm warning you, stay out of this.
You won't do Galaxy any good, or you,
if you go inside as well.
- What do you mean?
- Perjury.
We know all about the
blood pellets, Steve.
Rumour has it, you were in them.
Did a very good dying
performance I believe.
We never had anything concrete on Galaxy.
If I don't arrest him, somebody else will.
Do you wanna keep him company?
(disco music)
- No.
- Good.
The law wants Galaxy inside
to teach him a lesson.
- You make me feel a right bastard.
- But a sensible one.
You know, you're suddenly
becoming a law-abiding citizen.
You've helped the police
with their inquiries.
Good day, sir.
- Yeah.
(dramatic music)
(David grunting)
Fido!
Darling David,
it's funny what people
do for kicks, isn't it?
Don't feel too badly and thanks so much
for your part in it.
Love you bitches.
- You see sir, you're
in the law's bad books.
You're a chapter inside
those very hard covers.
Or at least you soon will be.
All right, Johnson, get him a drink.
I think we'll start with
crushed ice, then some lemon,
preferably Spanish and shredded,
and coming from the southern plains.
Give him a large scotch.
Don't take it too hard, Mr. Galaxy.
Prisons are quite comfortable these days.
- Chief Inspector, in
the nicest possible way,
you're a dirty lousy rotten bastard.
In fact, a typical copper.
Thank you.
- Thank you, sir.
Don't start writing yet, Johnson.
Now Mr. Galaxy, I'm
going to do you a favour.
- Aw, don't tell me.
You're Father Christmas.
You want to hang me.
- That's more like it sir.
Now as far as the law is
concerned, you're guilty.
But if you confess to being
a part of the robbery,
I'll eliminate you from the murder charge.
All right?
- This is blackmail.
- And the afore-said member of the gang
involved in the Securicle van robbery,
who is now serving his sentence in prison,
confirmed that on that
day of June the third,
the accused, David Galaxy, was in fact,
the driver of the getaway car.
Thank you, your Honour.
- Thank you Chief Inspector Evans.
You may stand down.
- [David Voiceover] Well,
I'm nicely sewn up, aren't I?
Already to be stamped and posted
to one of her Majesty's homes
for unexpectedly retired layabouts.
- Why not make it easier for yourself?
You can't beat the evidence.
- Right.
- Will the accused please stand?
How does the accused plead?
- [David Voiceover] Think
I'll do my acting bit.
I'll extract the Eurind.
- Guilty my Lord.
- Is there anything you wish to say
before I pass sentence on you?
- Yes my Lord.
I would like to apologise to the court
for any inconvenience that I've caused.
The fact that I was
involved in this crime,
is something that I shall
regret for the rest of my life.
The memory of my driving that getaway car
is something that has
haunted me night and day.
I'm glad now that it's nearly over.
Perhaps I can sleep at night.
I feel very humble, my Lord,
standing in this dock.
Why, God why did I do it?
I just hope that I will be
an example to anyone here,
who wishes to acquire money by easy means.
Thank you, my Lord.
- I shall now proceed to pass sentence.
Will the prisoner please stand?
You are found guilty
in conspiring to rob a Securicle van,
and I sentence you to
five years in prison.
Take him now.
- Thank you, Warder,
I'll only be a second.
Mr. Galaxy, a lovely morning outside.
I got a call from Miss Jenny Stride.
She sends her regards.
- How terribly toward.
- She had to let your
flat to somebody else.
Pity, we're so proud of him.
But she thought you ought to have this.
After all, it is yours.
- What, is it Christmas time already?
So soon?
(ripping present)
- Oh I nearly forgot.
The compliments of Sergeant Johnson.
Tis Spanish from the southern plains.
And now doubt you'll have plenty of time
to shred it yourself.
Goodbye Mr. Galaxy.
Thank you Warder.
(jail door closes)
- When I get out.
When I get out!
He is the kind who leaves the
trace of love in your mind
Knowing his touch will be
as much of him you will find
When you awake you'll know
it was all for his sake
And you're the one
Another bet he's won
With each affair he leaves
a trace of smoke in the air
Devil or man he takes the
most from life that he can
Til in the end in your
heart you feel he's a friend
The kind that you hate
to love yet love to see
Watch out for Galaxy
Get your backs against the wall
A magic man is he
Is he really there at all
His name is Galaxy
He's a winner taking all
But he's a mystery
Even galaxies can fall
(brass band music)
He is the kind who leaves a
trace of love in your mind
Knowing his touch will be
as much of him you will find
When you awake you'll know
it was all for his sake
And you're the one
Another bet he's won
With each affair he leaves
a trace of smoke in the air
Devil or man he takes the
most from life that he can
Til in the end in your
heart you feel he's a friend
The kind that you hate to love
Yet love to see
His name is Galaxy
He can find you like the sun
What kind of man is he
Public lover number one
His name is Galaxy
When he takes you to his drum
A macho man is he
If you see him better run
Watch out for Galaxy
Get your backs against the wall
A magic man is he
Is he really there at all
His name is Galaxy
He's a winner taking all
But he's a mystery
Even galaxies can fall
- Sandra, you lovely little birdie you.
Ah yes, I remember you well.
- [Pageant Host] And our first contestant
for the title of Miss Beauty Bust is,
gorgeous Sandra Gertrude.
Sandra tells me that she plans to become
an expert in foreign affairs.
Really Sandra, why go abroad
when you can find plenty at home?
And can I be the first please?
(audience applauds)
This little creature has a
name to match her figure.
Gina Curvy.
Gina is a consultant in a wristwatch firm,
and with an am and a pm like hers,
I'm not surprised.
(audience applauds)
Our next entrant, Julia Shorthouse,
has a simple but praiseworthy ambition.
Julia wants to be a housewife.
Good for you, Julia.
(audience applauds)
And finally, lovely Angela Critten.
Angela says she's resigned her job
as marriage guidance counsellor,
because she's frustrated,
and wishes to find a new position.
(audience applauds)
- Counsellor Pendleton, enjoy the show?
(laughs) Yes.
I can tell by your eyes.
(brass music)
Oh, hello darling.
Now listen, you did give
Counsellor Pendleton
a good lunch hour, didn't you?
- More like quarter of an hour, I'd say.
- Yes, he did enjoy himself, didn't he?
- Yes.
- Oh thank God for that.
Anyway listen, it's all fixed.
And here comes Mr. Fix-It now, big smile.
- Hi Mr. Pendleton.
- Good luck my dear.
- Don't be nervous.
That thousand pound check is
already in your hot little--
- Oh David, I don't know how to thank you.
- Of course you do.
Afterwards.
- [Pageant Host] Now meet Miss Beautybust.
Beautiful Sandra Gertrude
(brass fanfare)
(audience applauds)
Most spirited, Sandra.
Words have no place at a time like this,
only dreams of things to come.
- [David Voiceover] Well
you know what they say,
whatever you get out of the
business, you put back into it.
Afterwards.
- Oh, what a night it's been.
- What a night it's going to be.
Now then, I wonder what my
little prize is going to be.
(electronic music)
Bastard!
(David laughs)
- [David Voiceover] A
funny fellow, Pendleton.
He tells me he wants a bit,
I don't mind a bit,
so I introduce him to a bit.
And she gives him a bit.
Now what has he got to be sore about?
(car stops)
I had a very funny feeling.
My sixth sense told me that
a singularly unwelcome
surprise was about to pop up.
And it wasn't just my sixth sense.
My horoscope had told me
the same thing that morning.
(car doors close)
(door closes)
(doorbell buzzes)
- Yes?
- Mr. David Galaxy?
- Well that depends.
Are you her Majesty's collector of taxes?
- [Inspector] No sir.
- Ah splendid!
Would you by chance be
from the social security,
asking for your money back?
- [Inspector] Not exactly sir.
- You wouldn't be some
beautiful bird's boyfriend,
would you?
Coming out here to sort me out?
- [Inspector] No sir.
- Good, and then in that case,
I am David Galaxy.
- And I'm Chief Inspector
Evans of Scotland Yard.
I'd like to have a word with you sir.
- Yes certainly.
Do come up.
(door buzzes)
(elevator door opens)
(doorbell rings)
Ah Inspector,
(door slams)
Oh I'm so sorry.
- It's Chief Inspector actually, sir.
- Yes, how silly of me.
I mean one can't dismiss a lifetime of
parking people in the nick,
and then forget that one word
that made it oh so worthwhile.
Can one, Chief Inspector?
- Apology accepted in the
spirit in which it was given.
- Yes, well then that's all settled then.
Well, uh right little
rapeup this promises to be,
and far be it for me to
speed up the proceedings,
but I'm sure you must be late
at the forensic laboratories right now.
- I understand perfectly, sir.
- Sorry, Godot could be here any minute.
- Beg your pardon, sir, who?
- No it's all right.
Godot is a character in a
play called Waiting For Godot.
That's why I said that Godot could be,
and I was waiting for Godot,
and just forget it.
It's a puerile attempt at humour anyway.
Um, would you come this way?
Well, Chief Inspector,
what can I do for you?
- Oh it won't take long.
- Splendid!
Oh please don't think I'm not
acting like the perfect host,
but as you can see,
I do have a vast and
adoring public to attend to.
Can I get you a drink?
- Uh no thank you, sir,
this is an official visit.
- Of course, policemen
never drink on duty.
(laughs) It's been so long
since I watched them on the telly.
I'm so sorry it wasn't a bright.
- You have something to
do with astrology then?
No pun due chief
inspector, Chief Inspector,
When there is a like mind
like yours, you should go far.
- Thank you sir.
So often we police get
such sincere compliments
passed about.
- I can't understand why not.
These are a few of the replies
to the eager letters begging me
to tear aside the sun and
planetarium mysteries,
and reveal the truth of the years to come.
- I often look in the morning papers
to find out my own horoscope.
What about you, Sergeant?
- Oh not me, sir.
It's a racket.
- Oh thank you so much, Sergeant.
I knew I could rely on you
for a bit of rapier-like wit.
- It's got to apply to somebody somewhere.
Some are going to be lucky or unlucky.
For instance, this morning mine said,
I'm a Virgo by the way,
(David laughs)
Make good use of your
quiet sincere Virgo charm,
to overcome cynical and overbearing people
and you will achieve
your ultimate objective.
Promotion will be in the offing.
- Oh yes indeed, sir.
- You've got a very good
memory, Chief Inspector.
- Not really Mr. Galaxy.
I mean, my wife's a Gemini.
They told her just the
same thing two months ago.
No doubt, Mr. Galaxy,
you're dying to know,
why Sergeant Johnson and I have,
in astrological terms as it were,
collided with you.
Hey Sergeant?
- There was an occurrence five years ago.
In June, on the third inst.
- All right, Johnson, I'll do this.
It's only routine, sir.
We'd like you to help
us with our inquiries.
If you could tell us what you were doing
on the third of June, five years ago,
when we return, we'd be obliged.
All right Johnson.
- Now just a minute, Chief Inspector.
What's all this about?
- A securicle van was robbed, sir.
One of the guards was killed,
and the thieves got away
with 350,000 pounds.
I've been assigned to reopen the inquiry.
Very nice flat you have here, sir.
The astrology business
must be in very good shape.
- Well, I'm sorry Chief Inspector.
You've caught me on the hop this morning.
You see, I had a very restless night,
what with one thing.
- And the other, sir.
- No I do apologise though,
I could've at least offered
you a cup of coffee.
- Oh don't apologise, sir.
It's a sign of weakness.
- Don't apologise, it's
a sign of weakness.
That's the one.
It was John Wayne in the film,
She Wore A Yellow Ribbon.
And he said it to the young lieutenant.
- You could well be right, sir.
That painting of the weasel and the rat.
It's interesting, sir.
- Well it is mine.
You think I've nicked it?
- Oh no sir.
- You see, I once saw a
weasel confronting a rat.
It stuck in my mind.
You know the terrified
look on the rat's face?
I told my girlfriend about it,
I set it up.
You see, the rat realised
it couldn't escape.
- Yes sir.
Good afternoon, Mr. Galaxy.
We'll call again.
Come on, Sergeant.
- I'll see you out.
(rustling through drawer)
- [David Voiceover] Where
the hell are my diaries?
They bloody well should've been here.
Ah, got it!
Sanctuary.
(hits book)
Why pick on me now?
I would've expected them to,
when things went ever so
slightly different ten years ago.
That's when the fellows and
me were collecting a bit,
if you'll pardon the expression,
on the side.
(piano music)
That's Frank.
I believe he's the one.
Well, he's completely
grey, except for his hair.
He's come here to take back
his case of money on the table.
And the name of my game
is to see that he doesn't.
Uh huh, okay.
Still, I wonder if the guys are thinking
in the right spirit.
75 percent proof.
Say, this looks like trouble.
- Oh no, don't.
(gunshots)
(man screams)
(door closes)
(piano music)
(men laughing)
- [David Voiceover] No no,
that corpse ain't a corpse, suckers.
That's my old mate, Steve, see.
Well I guess if blood
pellets are good enough
for recipes,
they're good enough for me and Steve.
(men laughing)
He's a great fellow.
And now and again, and I do mean now,
we have a little fun.
Just for kicks.
Watch Steve in action again.
He enjoys his bit as much as
I enjoy my bit afterwards.
(brass band music)
- Here we are, my dear.
(door closes)
Um, it always helps to overcome shock
if you sort of unloosen,
the neck covering.
- Blimy, if you loosen them anymore,
you'll be treating me for paralysis.
(David laughs)
- Drinky, drinky?
- Please.
- Sit over there.
- Thank you.
Make it more ginger ale than
brandy, won't you David?
I don't want a large one.
- [David Voiceover] I did so hope
she was talking about the drink.
(mellow brass music)
- Just right.
The shock, isn't it?
- Yes, I did warn you, didn't I?
You see, you can't be
too careful about shock.
You better sort of, that's right,
just hang on to me.
Over here, that's what I do for a living.
I'm a doctor of astrology you know.
- Star charts.
- Oh yes, the science of the stars.
What is your star sign?
- Capricorn.
- Oh yes, Capricorn.
Venus and Mercury are both
well situated in your chart.
October 26th.
Yes, there's some action arising here,
concerned with your relatives.
- My sister's having a divorce.
- Oh yes, and love is
very much due to fall.
(mellow brass music)
- [David Voiceover] I
should've been an actor.
Not a Shakespearean actor though.
I've never been very fond of the Old Bard.
I mean, he's a bit unbelievable, isn't he?
Fancy writing stuff like,
all the world's a stage.
I mean if it is, where are all
the bleeding dressing rooms?
Anne was fine though.
You might say even, full of enthusiasm.
I enjoyed it up to the point.
You see, I said to her,
no darling, you're on top.
And after that, I had
this ridiculous thought.
Which almost ruined it for me.
I kept on hearing a bus conductor shout,
room for one more on top.
Room for one more on top.
I think she went for the astrology kick.
It's more romantic being
laid by an astrologer,
than a filing clerk.
It's odd, you know.
A lot of people seem to
think that people like me
con money out of starry-eyed ladies.
Now this is just about as true
as the prime minister
trying to persuade us
that crime does not pay.
And we all know that the only
way to stop crime paying,
is to nationalise it.
(mellow music)
Christ, I needed these two
like a gas boy needs another complaint.
- Good morning, Mr. Galaxy.
- You recognised me.
Good morning, Chief Inspector.
I'm sorry I can't stop for
a little tete-a-tete now,
I really must go.
- It won't take a jiffy, sir.
- I'll handle this one, Johnson.
- Oh, I'm in charge, do a little twirl.
Didn't he do well?
But I'll leave you two
to chat among yourselves.
I must be off.
- We want the details of your alibi, sir.
- My alibi is quite in order.
Take my word for it.
I'll leave you two to
chat among yourselves.
Excuse me.
- This is an official visit, sir.
- Official?
In that case, I believe
I can refuse to talk,
unless a solicitor is
present, and mine isn't.
Some other time perhaps?
(David whistles)
- Very sure of himself, sir.
- For the moment, yes.
They all start that way, Johnson.
Then they start to crack.
Quite an experience, watching them crack.
- Yeah, but if his
alibi is all right then.
- Once a crook, always a crook, Johnson.
- [David Voiceover]
Lunch with Susan Carter.
Marvellous.
Ta da!
- It would take a sheer genius
to dream up a disguise like that.
- My dear Watson, during
my life of combating crime,
I have suddenly realised
that the more obvious,
is the least discernible.
- Let me guess, Sidney Greenstreet?
- Not enough kindness
in the world, my dear.
Not enough kindness.
- Cary Grant.
- Cary Grant?
No, I'm Basil Rathbone.
I beg your pardon,
- [Both] but the bone's
stuck in my throat.
- You've heard it.
- No I thought with the dark glasses,
the stick and the limp, you know--
Or for instance, the little
Pakistani gentleman over there,
is hardly gonna say, oh good gracious me,
I'm long believing the
turban's (indistinct)
Can my eyes actually be clapping sight
of Mr. David Galaxy
and the beautiful lady,
who should not go on meeting like this.
- I have to go in a minute.
- Listen, call it out that
you're sick or something.
- No, it's very important.
If I don't turn up for the
debate and vote against it,
we could lose.
Then I'd be in trouble.
Hap tight.
- Just my luck, isn't it.
To fall for a bleeding M.P.
Hang on, I'll tell you what.
Why don't you get a divorce and marry me?
You can still go on
destroying the country.
I mean, I wouldn't mind.
I really do have to go in a minute.
So let's drop the subject.
Now, I shall be in town again on the 14th.
And an evening's free.
So if you could come around.
(brass music)
(mellow music)
- There you are girls.
Hi David, I won't keep you long.
- Look David, just about
getting on my tits.
- Well good for you, what did he say?
- He said, that was the bleeding idea.
(girls laugh)
- My usual, please.
- Right, starting with
lightly crushed ice?
- Excellent, and now a
slice of lemon, please.
Preferably shredded and Spanish
from the southern plains.
And now a large pinnego of gin.
Merely covering with
soupcon of dry martini.
And this time, not too well shaken.
- [Bartender] There you are sir.
- Thank you.
- Thank you, Coldfinger.
What are you doing tonight?
- I'm going to meet Amanda in a minute
for my psychiatric session.
- Oh, she'll soon straighten you out.
- Only straight?
The last place I want to be is out.
- Right on.
(mellow funk music)
- [Girls] Piss off!
- Lovely ladies.
- Hey Dave.
Same again, Joe.
How did you get on with
the traffic warden?
Did you score?
- Did I score?
I made the Chelsea
football team look sick.
(David laughs)
- I hope the performance
was a good as the line.
- Do you doubt me?
- No way.
- Cheers!
- Listen, Dave, me and the
club staff have got an idea.
That's really you.
- Yeah?
- Yeah, walk with me.
- Wait a moment, will I get arrested?
- Over here.
- (laughs) Come on
Steve, I mean I know you.
What are you gonna make out of this?
- Oh you'll make something too.
And money as well.
- Okay what's the score?
I've got to meet Amanda in a few minutes.
Just what else have I got to make?
- You ever heard of Millicent Cumming?
- Good God, yes, she's a living legend.
The only girl in the world who's
never had an orgasm, right?
- That's right.
Ever seen her?
- No, but from all accounts,
I think she makes the Venus De Milo
look like a little poor
deprived child, right? (laughs)
- Cop this for size.
- Jesus.
- Oh Jesus, never came
back looking like that.
- He wouldn't be short
of disciples if he did.
Well?
- How would you like to lay her?
And make a profit on the side too as well.
If it works.
- What do you mean, if it works?
I never failed to make
or break a safe yet.
- We've only found a
bookie willing to lay odds
that you'll join the other
1,750 nick's failures she's had.
- I say I say I say, I
resemble that remark.
No, it's a bloody insult.
I'm not going to stand for that.
- No no, do yourself while you do it.
(both laugh)
No, leave it to me, I'll fix it.
Are we gonna clean up on you, babe.
And we'll put a score
on for you too as well.
How's that?
- Look, the venue.
I'd like it at my place, if it's possible.
- Sure, sure, that's all right.
What Millie asks, will travel.
(David laughs)
- You dirty sot.
- Look, I've gotta piss off.
Gotta be in bed.
- Wouldn't you normally bite
the lobe of my left ear?
My first instinct is to scream stitches,
and my second (indistinct)
But tonight, you've got a problem.
- A problem?
So what?
- A problem affects performance,
and a bad performance is a waste of time.
So, that's the problem.
- My problem, my angel,
walks around in a raincoat,
under the name of Chief
Inspector Evans of Scotland Yard.
My problem that is, not the raincoat.
- Having trouble with the police?
Are you?
- I don't know.
You see, he came to see me this morning.
And he wanted to know
where I was five years ago,
on June the third.
- How odd!
- Look, let's not let
Chief Inspector Evans
spoil our evening.
Let's get down to the problems in hand.
- But seriously, are you in the clear?
- Of course.
It just so happens that I keep a diary.
So five years ago, I met this
nice little old man in a pub.
He was going to see his wife in hospital.
He got no transport, so
I offered him a lift.
And I've got their names
and addresses to prove it.
- So you have no problem.
What a handsome good Samaritan you are.
- Not really.
I just wasn't doing anyone at the time.
(David farts)
- Jesus, you bastard!
- Holy mackerel, Amos.
Hmm, the gospel (speaks in accent)
- You bastard!
- Come on love, it was an accident.
- Piss off!
- What's the bloody
hassle, everybody farts!
Oh no, don't tell me.
I mean everybody farts, but one.
You.
- Here you are then.
Now then.
Here's to a lovely
evening for you and David.
- I couldn't really care less.
I'm past caring.
- Oh come on, lady love,
this can't be you talking.
- I can assure you, it is.
My mouth opened, the words
came out, didn't they?
(Steve coughs)
What's the matter?
Talks too much?
- No no no, it's just that,
well, I was just thinking, it's
a great pity you're waiting,
because he's such a charming guy.
- Oh God, not another charming guy.
I am sick of charming guys.
How do they see things?
There's something else in this world,
apart from me lying on my back,
with my legs wide apart for charming guys.
- I know, I know.
I was only trying to help you.
You see, David needs reassurance.
He's my best friend, the
one I told you about.
Your little problem,
I thought, well it would
help if you two got together.
I don't blame you feeling the way you do.
Mind you, a chat might develop.
- A chat?
- Yeah, now I know what I'm
talking about when I tell you,
David didn't want to meet you.
- Oh didn't he?
- No no, it's not like that babe.
What it was was,
David didn't want to
embarrass you, that's all.
You see, he doesn't get about much.
It was your photograph when he saw it.
Now he thought you had beauty.
But it was your warmth that did it.
- My warmth?
- He'd kill me if he knew I told you this.
But he said that he thought
that you had inner loveliness.
- Jesus, he's sure got a way with words.
- Promise me you'll never
tell him that I told you that.
For Saint Peter's sake.
- Sounds like a nice guy.
- A diamond.
- I wonder if he could
help me with my problem.
I doubt it.
It's worth a try.
Could he meet me on Wednesday week?
- Oh Millie, God bless you, you's a saint.
(kisses hand)
Think of it as charity work.
- No better getting upset at
every little thing like that.
Where's your sense of humour?
You can't get it all down there.
I'm not staying here tonight,
I'm sleeping on the sofa.
You really are a silly little boy.
- Well you're the psychiatrist.
You should know something like
that can deflate your ego.
- Not only the ego.
My God, what a sight to see
you getting into bed naked.
So proud of your precious tool.
Well it was pretty funny
last night when it went,
(blows loudly)
Dedicated to you and the
only love of your life.
Your prick.
With my little thick
or black ball rock
Rum ma tum I stroll
It may be sticky but I shan't complain
And long as I can
have it now and again
Shit!
It's flat, it's just a mantle
for your dirty, squalid little life,
and I'm gonna get out of here,
before I get contaminated by it.
(jazz music)
(phone rings)
- Yes hello?
Yeah, hi Steve.
- You're on.
Well, it took a bit of sweet talking, but
once I turn it on, baby,
they drop everything.
- I know what the odds are,
but I want to at least
make a monkey out of this.
Five hundred, not a chimpanzee. (laughs)
- Yeah, ciao David.
Talk to you soon.
- [David Voiceover] Steve had fixed up
the contest with Millie.
Also, he was gonna put
something in the kitty for me.
If I put something in the pussy for him.
(doorbell buzzes)
(door closes)
Ah, it's my friendly copper,
arriving as arranged dead on time.
Dead? No no.
That's wishful thinking.
- Peek a boo!
- Good morning, Mr. Galaxy.
Chief Inspector Evans here.
- Yes Chief Inspector Evans.
Do come up!
(door opens)
Good morning in the flesh.
Let me take your coat.
- Thank you very much.
Please go through.
Well then Inspector, are
we waiting for Godot?
- Who sir?
- Your Sergeant Johnson.
- Oh no sir, this is an unofficial visit.
- Ah well, do take a pew, Chief Inspector.
Don't worry, you'll catch
anything on your trousers
in my place,
I've got a very high class
bird up here, you know.
- For sure.
- Good Lord, it's opening time already.
Can I get you something?
- That's very kind of you, Mr. Galaxy.
- What would you like?
- Well, let's start with some crushed ice,
followed by some lemon,
preferably Spanish and shredded
from the south of Spain.
A large pinnego of gin,
and covered by the smallest soupcon
- [Both] Of the dry martini.
(men laugh)
- Very good.
Well unfortunately, my private
plane is late coming in,
and I'm right out of lemons.
As you know, without the lemons,
you might as well drink scotch.
It's not a bad anaesthetic
for the early morning liver.
- Scotch will do fine,
with just the softest touch of tap water.
- Certainly.
I'm so glad you chose scotch.
For three reasons.
One, because it's my favourite.
Second, because it's a very good brand.
And third, I've run
out of everything else.
Ah, cheers!
Here's to El Cid.
El C.I.D.
- I'll drink to that, sir.
- I think you'll find what
you've been looking for,
over this way, Inspector.
I think you'll find this
clears me, Inspector.
It's the address of the
old couple I was with,
on the third.
- So so, Mr. Galaxy.
- Why in God's name did you
pick on me in the first place?
- It's the higher-ups, sir, not me.
We reopened the suspect file
on the Securicle robbery,
found a witness who had seen you
near the scene of the crime that day.
If I'm not keeping you.
- No no, nobody keeps the
self-employed, Inspector.
You should know that.
- I appreciate the
hospitality, Mr. Galaxy.
We coppers don't often meet
generous people like yourself.
- Ah, you're welcome.
Call on anytime.
- We all have our fortunes
told now and again,
when we're kids.
It didn't seem possible that grown-ups,
adults should take it seriously.
- Astrology is a very serious
subject, Chief Inspector.
It's not material.
It's not something you
can put your finger on,
like a little brown nipple
on a well-rounded boobie.
It's like a religion.
It has a basis for belief,
but it does give them
something to cling onto.
- I can understand that.
I'm an atheist.
- Oh, so your belief is no belief.
- Yes, I suppose so.
Surely, Mr. Galaxy,
and I mean this with every
respect to your profession.
Surely an intelligent person--
- Excuse me.
Would you say that Adolf
Hitler was unintelligent?
- [Inspector] No.
- But he based his whole
campaign on the stars.
- And he lost.
- Yes, only when he
went against the stars.
You see, he thought he was all-powerful.
When he disregarded the stars,
in the final phase, and attacked Russia,
instead of Great Britain,
sorry, as you were once known,
he lost.
- Tell me, when you
give astrological advice
to your clients,
do you honestly believe it yourself?
- Let me tell you
something, Chief Inspector.
When you called here the other day,
with Sergeant Johnson,
after you left, one of
the first things I did,
was consult my horoscope.
- Jesus.
- That's not bad for an atheist.
- Thanks once again for you
hospitality, Mr. Galaxy.
Pity we won't be meeting again.
- Yes, I shall have to find something else
to fill up my time.
- I'll check your evidence.
- Yes, do that.
They're a nice old couple, the Stones.
I only met them the once.
She was very sick in hospital at the time.
But when you see them, give them my love.
- I will, sir.
- [David Voiceover] Yes I agree with you.
A great little Lula.
She escaped, my au pair girl.
What a pair!
- Hey hey, hello darling!
Two morrow!
Look tomorrow!
Two morrow!
Don't bring the brat.
(dialling phone)
(phone rings)
Hello hello hello.
- David?
- (in foreign accent) Sure me ahem.
- Oh good good, this is Anne.
My hubby Eddie's on his way around.
- Why, does he want to watch?
What made Eddie suspicious?
- Well, I suppose it all
started with the colonel
up at 19 Erskin Road.
- The who?
- [Anne] The colonel up at 19 Erskin Road.
You do understand, don't you David?
I had to give him your name and address,
or he'd have found out
about me and Gascoigne.
- Darling, Gascoigne comes, if
that's the right expression,
as an anticlimax, if that's
the right expression,
at this precise moment in time.
(door buzzes)
I think the goliath, Eddie, is approaching
his poor little David.
(doorbell buzzes)
- [David Voiceover] I had
just the answer to Eddie.
My savage dog affects deep.
Some growls from that, and
a touch of poofy acting.
It always saves the rough stuff.
No no, I'm not a coward.
I just hate to see my body abused.
(dog barking)
(doorbell buzzes)
(dog barks)
- Ooh look at the muck on here.
Shut that door!
To whom it may concern.
I must warn you that I don't encourage
any holocausts, squares
or non-blondes here.
Fang, if you don't stop growling dear,
I'll have to come over and give you a ride
in your own nettle.
(dog growling)
I'm sorry Treasure.
- Excuse me.
Is there a Mr. David Galaxy?
- Fang!
Sorry Treasure, you see my friends
are more fond of a touch of the vapours.
(barking drowns out David)
Fang now do get on, I've got
to check with the caller.
- Bleeding Hell.
(dog growling)
- You were saying?
Shit!
Oh shit, it's that dog.
It's just like the rag dolls.
- Well, I've got a bunch of
five for a Mr. David Galaxy.
- Oh now where's the fun in it?
Don't be camp!
(dog barking)
Fang, will you stop
that, it's so unhygienic.
Fang if you don't stop it,
Are you a big man?
- Well, what if I am?
I didn't come around for any of that.
- You so appear to be, oh!
Ooh Fang!
Your back's to the wall with this dog.
Oh no darling, sorry dear.
Let's get on to serious
business, shall we?
- Well I'm here because--
- What? Hey Darkie!
Look. Mr. David Galaxy
never had his nutshaws
in anyone's business.
We don't make some mistake between here.
Which I very much doubt,
I mean, oh I mean David
left here a long time ago.
(kicks building)
(doorbell rings)
Phew, I'd forgotten the
whole world was coming.
- Ah good afternoon, Mr. Galaxy.
- Mr. Pringle, madam, please do come in.
What an absolutely
underwhelming surprise visit.
- Oh witty, very witty.
I'd like to introduce you to the new owner
of our block of flats.
Miss Jenny Stride.
- Really, it's so nice of you to call.
- How do you do?
- Would you like a drink?
- No I don't think Miss Stride--
- Thank you, Mr. Pringle.
I am perfectly capable
of answering for myself.
- Yes of course.
I spoke without thinking.
I do apologise.
- Thank you, Mr. Pringle.
Like my late mother and father,
I seldom ever touch alcohol.
- Like me.
I was merely going to
suggest tea or coffee.
With or without milk and sugar?
- Coffee would be fine, no sugar.
And just a touch of milk.
- Ah fine!
Something stronger for you
of course, Mr. Pringle.
- No no no, especially while I'm on duty.
If I could just have some coffee, please.
- Aha, certainly.
Oh I'm sorry, when I said, have a drink,
you saw the bar and thought I meant,
(laughs) oh that's funny.
It's funny.
No, I occasionally have
a friend round here,
who does like the odd drink,
but I only use alcohol
for medicinal purposes.
- What an interesting
flat you have, Mr. Galaxy.
- A small correction, Miss Stride.
What an interesting flat you have.
Do look around.
I'll get the coffee.
- What a nice man.
- Oh a real gentle of the stride.
- And that is rather a
really beautiful table.
I do so like antiques.
- Oh me as well, I always have done.
- Oh, oh!
- Are you all right, Miss Stride?
- Is everything all right, Miss Stride?
- Get a large brandy for her.
- No no no no please.
Please, it's just the sight
of those two awful vermin
staring at one another.
- No arguments, doctor's orders.
- Well if you insist.
Oh that's better.
My late dear mother
and father always said,
that when one feels faint,
one should take a deep breath.
(Miss Stride breathes deeply)
That's better.
My head is clearing already.
(cuckoo clock chimes)
Ah, the coffee's ready.
- [Miss Stride] Mr. Galaxy.
- Yes?
- What sort of business are you in?
- Why, I study the stars.
I'm in astrology, why?
- Well I just happened to see
that rather large pile of
letters on your bureau.
- Well that's just a few words of advice.
For my fans.
- Oh, I'm so pleased to hear it.
Because of course you do realise,
that anyone carrying on
business from my premises,
cannot possibly stay here.
- Of course.
I'll get the coffee.
- [David Voiceover] The next day,
a letter from Miss Stride appeared.
Together with Kate and
an unexpected friend.
(doorbell rings)
- This is my friend.
- May I take your coat?
Do sit down.
(speaks in foreign language)
Oh sorry, would you like a drink?
- Ooh yes please, I'd love one.
(disco music)
- Come on, leave it!
(disco music)
- [David Voiceover] Miss Stride, why why?
(knocking on door)
- Come in.
- Miss Stride?
- Mr. Pringle, I want you to
be perfectly honest with me.
- Yes, I would like to
point out, Miss Stride--
- Not about yourself.
- If I say so myself, I do my
job to the best of my ability.
- Mr. Pringle, I merely want
to ask you a simple question.
In confidence.
- As I explained, Miss Stride,
I do have the occasional
drink when I'm off duty.
When I'm pursuing my (laughs)
- Didn't you hear what I said?
It's not about yourself.
I'm perfectly happy with your work.
Would you please come
further into the room?
I'm tired of raising my voice.
How well do you know David Galaxy?
- Yes, well although I am manager
of the flats, Miss Stride,
I do pride myself,
in fact, no one in my entire
career could ever accuse me,
of prying into people's private affairs,
because I believe in loyalty and the job.
- I can see that.
Thank you, Mr. Pringle.
- Thank you, Miss Stride.
And if there's anything I can do,
please ask.
- And furthermore, the trust
would like to be advised
of any action taken in this matter.
Yours faithfully, et cetera et cetera.
(knocking on door)
Come in.
- Mr. David Galaxy to see you ma'am.
- Oh, show him in, would
you please, Janice?
- Certainly, Miss Stride.
- Ah, Mr. Galaxy, do sit down.
- Oh thank you.
I apologise for this sudden
royal command, as it were.
I do hope it wasn't too inconvenient.
- No, of course not.
It's nice to see you.
So soon.
- Now I know it's well past closing time.
But even my dear mother
and father didn't say no
to the occasional sherry on
certain social occasions.
And this is mainly social.
- [David] How delightful,
yes thank you, I'd love one.
- [David Voiceover] I felt a
slight chill stealing over me.
It was intuition.
It was also the Chief
Inspector Evans technique.
Jesus, keep charming, I told myself.
And I kept the smile.
It was difficult.
What did she want?
- Cheers.
- Cheers.
I like your, my flat, Mr. Galaxy.
- So nice of you to call.
Yes, I love it there.
Well, it's part of me.
It's my life.
Actually, I'd like to pay
my rent so far in advance,
that when I die, my coffin
and I lie there forever.
- Sweet thought.
A little morbid, don't you think?
- It's sheer heaven if
you're Count Dracula.
(both laugh)
Well, Miss Stride, as much as
I'm enjoying this pleasant,
uh tete-a-tete,
there must be some sort of reason
why you've invited me to your office.
- Mundane really.
Yes, it concerns your friends.
How well do you know
Chief Inspector Evans?
- Oh no, not Chief Inspector
Evans of all people.
Well, he's a great character, why?
- He was up here the
other day, that's all.
- Really?
Oh don't take too much notice of him.
I mean, he's a lovely fellow.
But Miss Stride, I like you.
So listen to me, for God's sake.
You see, the Chief Inspector
is a bit of a womaniser.
So don't believe all he tells you.
I should hate for you
to fall for that one.
See, if you've asked
me up here for advice,
as obviously you have--
- I don't need your advice.
The Inspector.
- No I'm sorry no.
You mustn't call him Inspector.
I said that, yes.
He wants the full Chief Inspector.
- He merely wanted the
terms of your contract.
- Really?
- [David Voiceover] I'm off to the races.
Naturally, I only bet on the fillies.
(dramatic music)
- Hound him.
- [David Voiceover] I didn't
realise when I got into my car,
and drove off,
that the inscrutable
Chief Inspector Evans,
was waiting outside my
flat all ready to tail me.
Don't ask me why.
What did he think I was going to do?
Flog my binoculars for the
fair and skip the country?
Funny fellows, coppers.
I've always classed them
as men with mental fears.
Never mind, what was I thinking about?
Oh yeah, Susan Carter, the M.P.
You know, M.P.s are on the
same level as the police
in the mental barrier states.
They never give you a straight
answer to your question.
You say, lovely morning, isn't it?
And what does that M.P. reply?
Nothing so simple as a yes or a no.
He says I've been asked
that question before,
and I refuse to comment.
You know, if idiots like
you and I didn't give them
a comfortable living,
we'd have another 600
no-hopers in the adult queue,
now wouldn't we?
Anyway, I was looking forward to my day.
I would spend the day in
the member's enclosure,
and the night enclosed in Susan's member.
(Announcer shouting results)
- [Announcer] Yes, Happy Birthday,
Happy Birthday's the winner!
- I told you put your money on it.
But you wouldn't believe me.
- [David Voiceover] This is where
the astrologer comes in handy.
How can all those punters expect to win?
For those of you who've
never been to the races,
it's very simple.
You go to the window,
put a pony on your horse,
and with luck, you make
a monkey out of it.
I work it out by the stars.
Let's have a look at the runners.
Jules' Bride, My Father, Out Of Pocket,
well Jules' Bride, first
sign is the trousers,
Sagittarius to you, which says,
oho whoops, I mean, he's off.
Now then, where was I?
Oh yes, which means happy
news of a personal nature.
Very short.
As I said, we don't like
beggars, so scrub that.
Now then, what's this?
Sintillate.
I wonder what he does after late.
Naughty girl.
Capricorn, capricious, uninhibited,
Lucky birthday, the 23rd.
Today is the 23rd.
I'll have a bit of Naughty Girl.
Good thinking.
(horses running)
(announcer shouting)
- Come on Naughty Girl.
Come on girl!
- [Announcer] Yes, it's
gonna be Naughty Girl.
- [David Voiceover] Ah Susan!
Elegant, sophisticated, dignified,
every time we had it her way,
it was like making love with an accent.
- Hi Steve.
- Hi Joe, give us a
large scotch, will you?
Well, it's an early start
here for drinking, isn't it?
- How you gonna bug David's bed?
- It's easy, isn't it?
I promise to deliver some booze
that fell off the back of a lorry,
get my meaning?
He's left me his keys to get in,
just in case he's out.
Which he will be.
Hey listen, I'm looking forward to this.
Well, I've never heard a blow
by blow coverage, really.
- Neither have I.
I've arranged for the club to
be closed the whole evening.
For a private function.
- Oh that's masterly, masterly.
- A bit wicked.
- Just a few of us.
- A few turtle doves?
- Of course.
The whole idea of the unsuspecting boy,
just in case he's gone,
is we put out extra beds.
Which it will be going well.
- Nice one, Moriarty.
I think I'll join you.
- I'll buy you a round.
(doorbell buzzes)
- Yes?
Inspector Evans.
Come in.
- A lovely morning Mr. Galaxy.
- Ah gentlemen, do come in.
I'm sorry, you are in.
Can I offer you something?
A soft drink?
A gin, whiskey, vodka, brandy?
Cyanide?
- A bit early in the morning
for poison, Mr. Galaxy.
Eh Sergeant?
- Oh yes.
- So as it's not a strictly
official visit, why not?
I think I'd like a vodka with
a soda, no ice, thank you.
They've got a nerve, charging
for tonics these days.
Drinks cost enough as it is.
- Indeed, sir.
- Chief Inspector.
- Thank you, sir.
- Nothing for you, Constable?
- Sergeant, sir.
- Of course.
- I'd like a ginger ale.
- Perfect.
Feel free.
Now, Chief Inspector,
what's all this about?
- That's very nice.
- Oh yes, I always feel
that the soda helps to
drive it down, and it gives it a sort of
distinctive and individual flavour.
- I agree, sir.
It's quite a flavour with the wife.
Mr. Galaxy, you haven't got an alibi.
(dramatic music)
- Good God Almighty.
Chief Inspector, the
old couple, the Stones?
It's true.
I mean, it's in my diary
and it's bloody true.
- I've no doubt, sir.
There was an elderly couple
living at the address you gave me,
and the wife was in hospital.
- Well, that's all right then.
What else do you want?
- A couple of dead bodies can hardly
testify to an alibi, can they?
You're going to have to
think again, Mr. Galaxy.
What else did you do on that day?
You must've been out
somewhere with somebody.
Or in somewhere with somebody.
Come on, man, think!
- I'll grant you Chief Inspector, yeah.
Well I will think about it,
and I'll call you tomorrow perhaps.
- I think we can leave now, Sergeant.
It seems that Mr. Galaxy is
too big to accept our help.
- I'm sorry, Chief Inspector, it's just,
well, the thing is this,
I'm under suspicion for robbery,
possibly murder,
now come on, man, you
put yourself in my place.
- Mr. Galaxy, I'm trying to help you,
so I believe what you're saying.
But you could be facing a murder rap.
- I'm sorry.
Well, I'm not used to
friendly and helpful coppers.
And I'm savouring the experience.
- I'm basking in it, sir.
You see, Mr. Galaxy,
you're the only suspect
we have without an alibi.
Isn't that right, Sergeant.
- Oh indeed, sir.
- Exactly, now we'd better
start from the beginning.
You get your diary.
We'll go through it together.
We'll find something.
Go on, man, get it.
- Yes, thank you.
(suspenseful music)
I think you'll find everything in there.
- Thank you, sir.
(suspenseful music)
I thought you said you
kept a detailed account
of your activities.
- That's right, I do.
- You don't, you know.
Look at these blanks.
The whole day blank here.
- And this one, sir, the calendar.
- The calendar is hardly relevant.
What happens in these blanks?
- This is strictly confidential.
- So is twenty years, sir.
- For the last year, years I've been,
dating Susan Carter, the M.P.
- [Inspector] So?
- She's married.
She doesn't want our
affair to be made public.
That's why I've kept the pages blank.
In case that diary gets
into the wrong hands.
- And you saw her on June the third?
- Yeah, that's right.
I picked her up at Victoria.
Took her right to my place.
Via Shepard's Bush.
- Shepard's Bush?
Put your notebook away, Johnson.
- Yes, put your notebook away.
Yes, well you see what happened,
we went there to pick up
some booze and oysters.
You know what they say about oysters.
Yeah, well this man at the Bush,
if you'll pardon the expression,
he guarantees his oysters,
and he's got nine children to prove it.
- Suddenly, you're putting it together.
Now allow me, I'll be very discrete.
As long as I've got her
word that you were with her,
forget it.
The whole matter is dropped.
A small libation for the
road, wouldn't you, sir?
- Yes, thanks Chief Inspector.
Certainly, Chief Inspector.
I think we agree to keep
this off the record,
no matter what?
- With a murder rap
hanging over your head,
it would take a real
coward not to support you.
- Yes, well I think I'll
give her a quick ring,
tell her there's nothing to worry about.
- [Inspector] I wouldn't do that, sir.
I've met this sort before.
You stay out of it, leave it all to me.
- Oh excuse me.
- Thank you.
Here's to the rat.
All we have to do now
Johnson is wait here,
until I can say I told you so.
- You think he will go
out and find her, sir.
- Oh yes, he'll reckon
we've got his phone tapped.
He thinks he's clever.
The only thing for these clever clogs
is to be just one jump ahead.
- I think he's beginning
to crack, don't you, sir?
Hold on there, Johnson,
it's quite fun watching the
process, if you're a sadist.
I suppose I am a bit of a sadist.
Bloody criminals.
He's due for a spell inside, our friend.
Teach him to keep on
the straight and narrow.
There you are.
What'd I tell you?
You owe me ten p, come on, hand it over.
(dialling phone)
- [David Voiceover] Was Evans
really trying to help me?
Or was he doing his police
concert party piece?
I wished I knew.
(phone rings)
- Hello, yes.
Can I speak to Miss,
Mrs. Susan Carter please?
Yes, I'll hang on.
- Yes, Mr. Quilt, what is your problem?
- Darling, yes.
Listen, this is urgent.
(door opens)
- Put it over there.
They're not here yet.
I'll tend to the movie, right?
(suspenseful music)
- Come on darling, of course I'm innocent.
No, I don't know why he's
blaming me for all this.
He's got me on his wanted list.
(suspenseful music)
- Put one in.
- What for?
- They'll put the bar in the bedroom.
BBC.
- Look darling, I mean
the last thing in the world I want to do,
is involve you, but if I don't,
I'm facing a murder charge.
Look Susan, darling, if
it meant anything to you,
could you ahem?
- Of course I will.
- I love you.
See you soon.
Bye.
- Hi David, baby.
It's Steve.
Yeah, we're at the Concordia,
having a bit of a pint.
Hey listen, madam arrived yet?
- Not yet.
- Ah well, best of luck!
Oh, an additional bet.
Yeah, an additional bet.
She never spends the night with anyone.
Right, okay?
So if you can manage to persuade her,
there's some extra bread coming your way.
Hey, and suck sex. (laughs)
- Suck sex.
- Hey, Millie's due at any minute, okay?
So what we'll do is we'll give
them a little bit of privacy
for about an hour.
There's no point in plugging
this thing in yet, is there?
When it's starting, come on.
(doorbell buzzes)
- Hello.
Yes, is that Millie?
Well, come right in darling.
I'll leave the main door open for you.
Looking forward to meeting you.
- [David Voiceover] I felt like
how Muhammad Ali must feel.
Meeting his opponent for the first time.
Except that once I got Millie on her back,
I'd hoped she'd want to stay
there until I was counted out.
- Hello, looks as if you've
got a great place there.
If I get to see it.
- I'm sorry, I was sort
of drinking you in.
Sort of an aperitif before dinner?
- Thank you.
- I'll take your coat.
You're incredibly beautiful.
Can I get you a drink?
- Campari and soda please.
(romantic music)
Cheers.
- Cheers.
I thought dinner for two
would be more civilised
than a quick bark from
Fido and then good night.
- Who's Fido?
- Fido is in there..
He has two friends in a little kennel.
I told him, if he's a good boy,
in an hour, he can come out
and see a beautiful lady.
- (laughs) You're funny.
I love men that make me laugh.
- I wanna show you something.
- You mean Fido?
- No, I want to see how the
stars are working for you.
- What is this, a wake?
It's supposed to be a party.
Come on, drink up damn you!
(patrons chatter)
- To the future.
- The future.
You know, you're not at all
how Steve described you.
- Really?
(patrons laughing)
- [Steve] Right.
What a party.
- It'll make me a rich man, a rich man.
- That was a super dinner, darling.
I'm so glad I came tonight.
- That comes later.
- Well, we should be
about starter's orders.
- Right.
- Plug it in.
(patrons chatter)
- Millie.
- David, mmm.
- Come with me, Millie.
(static crackling)
- [Millie] David!
David, David!
(Millie groans)
(Steve laughs)
(Millie breathing hard)
(Millie screams)
- What a boy!
- If I were with him now, I'd be praying.
Praying for him to lay me.
- You never go down on
your knees for me love.
- I wouldn't be on my knees to him.
I'd be on my back.
(patrons laughing)
I'd be on my knees afterwards.
(patrons laugh)
(Millie groaning)
- Right, okay you got it?
(Steve laughs)
(patrons chattering)
- One born every minute.
(David grunts)
(Millie groaning)
(patrons chattering)
- I'll tell you what I'm gonna do,
double up on David winning tonight.
- The score for me is right.
(Steve laughs)
(Millie groaning)
- Millie, Millie.
(Millie screaming)
Come on, yes.
Yes yes yes yes.
(Millie and David groaning)
- Do it now, do it now.
(Millie panting)
- Come on my son!
Come on my son!
- Yes yes.
- [Millie] Oh yes, yes!
- Come on, come on.
(Millie groaning)
(patrons laughing)
- He'll never get her off.
(patrons yelling)
(Millie yelling)
(Millie screams)
(Steve shouts)
(patrons cheering)
- I can't believe it.
You actually made me come.
It's marvellous, David.
This feeling.
When can I see you again?
- The night is still young.
- Listen, tell you what we'll do.
Let's just take out greedy
bookmakers to the cleaners.
(patrons chattering)
What do you want?
Come on baby, come on with me.
- What's happened to your usual bonhommie?
Has it disappeared up
your proverbial whistle?
- I'm sorry, sir, I've
come here to charge you.
- Hey?
Why charge me?
- Because you have no alibi, sir.
- Come off it, Chief Inspector.
Even you can't go against
the word of an M.P.
And Susan Carter told me she'd back me up
to the proverbial hilt.
- That's just the trouble, sir.
She didn't.
I told you not to phone her.
I said leave it to me.
And I said, I'd seen this sort before.
She changed her mind.
They always do, if you
give them time to think.
Better pour yourself a drink, sir.
I think you'll need one.
- You?
- Not on duty, sir.
She not only denied knowing
you, or having heard of you,
she said if it came to your case,
her husband will back her up.
- She's lying.
- I know that.
You know that and she knows that.
- You know?
- Oh yes yes, I saw you
leaving her apartment the other night.
- Well, you know I'm innocent.
- Yes, my word doesn't
mean a thing against this.
What it boils down to, Mr. Galaxy,
is that an eyewitness will swear that
you drove the getaway car.
Now if you can't provide
proof that you're innocent,
the law says you're guilty.
- Look, give me a couple of days.
There must be somebody
who can vouch for me.
The oyster seller.
- He's not there anymore, sir.
I've checked.
And I'll go along with you,
I mean twenty years is a long time,
against a couple of days.
Good luck, sir.
I hope you find somebody.
Sergeant Johnson and I
will let ourselves out.
You see what I mean, Johnson?
Nice to watch crooks reeling on a hook.
- Oh yes indeed, sir.
- Amanda darling.
Yes, I'm in a most terrifying spot here.
I'm being set up for a murder charge.
What do you mean, a sausage?
I'm innocent.
Well for God's sake, Amanda listen to me.
No don't--
(dial tone buzzes)
- Back to the Yard, I think Johnson.
My word, I wish I had all the money
he's going to spending on phone calls.
- Steady, lad, steady.
You're not the head of
the one with prison's
escape committee just yet.
Be it ever so (phone
tone drowns out David)
(dialling phone)
- Hello?
- Hello Mum.
- Oh, what do you want?
- What, well nothing really.
Well, I just want to
know how everybody was.
- Doing very well without you, thank you.
- Time flies, you know how it is.
Actually, Mum, I was
leaning out to find out
what you and Dad would like
for your wedding anniversary present.
I know it's sometime this month.
- You're a bit late for that.
It was two months ago.
- Better late than never, hey?
Oh come on, Mum, what would you like?
- A son who appreciates
his parents, that's all.
- But I do.
- You ignored Steven's christening.
And when your brother Tom
went into the hospital,
with appendicitis,
he could've died for all you cared.
It turned to peritonitis.
- Look Mum, I'm very fond of Tom.
You know that, don't you?
- You're ashamed of them,
and you're ashamed of us.
You've given yourself a good education.
And who gave you the chance for it?
Your father and me.
Fat lot you care about us.
- Mother, don't say that then.
Now you're hurting me.
- You hurt?
I can't tell you how
you've hurt all of us.
We never want to see you again.
- Mum please.
There's something I want you to do for me.
- Why should I?
You don't help anybody except yourself.
Goodbye David.
(dial tone buzzes)
(mother crying)
- Steve.
That's right, good old Steve.
Please don't be on the phone, Steve.
(dialling phone)
Hey, hi Steve.
- Hi David.
- I'm being set up for a murder charge.
Yes, I'm bloody innocent.
It's a frame up.
Well it's just that,
if I can't get anybody to alibi me,
for the third of June
five bloody years ago,
I'm gonna go down for twenty years.
What do you mean, you would?
You'd say you were with me?
- Yeah right, well I would you.
- God bless you.
See you later.
Yeah.
Good Steve.
Oh I love you, mate.
- [David Voiceover] Reprieved.
Steve, thank God for you.
(phone rings)
Suddenly I wanted to celebrate.
And when the phone rang, I
thought my prayers were answered.
Want to know who it was?
Remember Miss Beautybust?
That's right, Sandra.
- Want to do something different?
- You mean there's an alternative to sex?
- You come with me, love.
(suspenseful music)
- It's your birthday.
Allow me.
Now this won't make me go blind, will it?
Just hope I don't have to wear glasses.
You're so forceful.
(suspenseful music)
- Can you get free?
- No.
- Good.
(suspenseful music)
- That's a bit tight, a bit tight.
(suspenseful music)
(doorbell rings)
- Hey where are you going?
What about me?
Don't answer the bloody door.
I feel ridiculous as it is, darling.
A bloody trick nurse?
What are you doing?
- Everything ready, Jill?
- You're really mad!
Bloody untie me!
- In a few moment's time,
we'll see the end of your sex life, David.
You won't be able to go around boasting
about screwing girls anymore.
- Oh come on, Christ, let me bloody go!
Oh come on, a bastard doesn't deserve--
No, no!
Shit!
- Don't worry, we'll leave
you enough of it left to pee.
(David screams)
- You won't feel a
thing, until you wake up.
- No. (crying)
- Will you hold it for me, Sandra?
- And in your own interest, sir,
I should stay out of this affair.
- Look I'm a good mate
of David's, Inspector.
- Chief Inspector.
- Chief Inspector.
I've already told you, I was
with David on June the third.
Five years ago.
- You weren't, sir.
I'm warning you, stay out of this.
You won't do Galaxy any good, or you,
if you go inside as well.
- What do you mean?
- Perjury.
We know all about the
blood pellets, Steve.
Rumour has it, you were in them.
Did a very good dying
performance I believe.
We never had anything concrete on Galaxy.
If I don't arrest him, somebody else will.
Do you wanna keep him company?
(disco music)
- No.
- Good.
The law wants Galaxy inside
to teach him a lesson.
- You make me feel a right bastard.
- But a sensible one.
You know, you're suddenly
becoming a law-abiding citizen.
You've helped the police
with their inquiries.
Good day, sir.
- Yeah.
(dramatic music)
(David grunting)
Fido!
Darling David,
it's funny what people
do for kicks, isn't it?
Don't feel too badly and thanks so much
for your part in it.
Love you bitches.
- You see sir, you're
in the law's bad books.
You're a chapter inside
those very hard covers.
Or at least you soon will be.
All right, Johnson, get him a drink.
I think we'll start with
crushed ice, then some lemon,
preferably Spanish and shredded,
and coming from the southern plains.
Give him a large scotch.
Don't take it too hard, Mr. Galaxy.
Prisons are quite comfortable these days.
- Chief Inspector, in
the nicest possible way,
you're a dirty lousy rotten bastard.
In fact, a typical copper.
Thank you.
- Thank you, sir.
Don't start writing yet, Johnson.
Now Mr. Galaxy, I'm
going to do you a favour.
- Aw, don't tell me.
You're Father Christmas.
You want to hang me.
- That's more like it sir.
Now as far as the law is
concerned, you're guilty.
But if you confess to being
a part of the robbery,
I'll eliminate you from the murder charge.
All right?
- This is blackmail.
- And the afore-said member of the gang
involved in the Securicle van robbery,
who is now serving his sentence in prison,
confirmed that on that
day of June the third,
the accused, David Galaxy, was in fact,
the driver of the getaway car.
Thank you, your Honour.
- Thank you Chief Inspector Evans.
You may stand down.
- [David Voiceover] Well,
I'm nicely sewn up, aren't I?
Already to be stamped and posted
to one of her Majesty's homes
for unexpectedly retired layabouts.
- Why not make it easier for yourself?
You can't beat the evidence.
- Right.
- Will the accused please stand?
How does the accused plead?
- [David Voiceover] Think
I'll do my acting bit.
I'll extract the Eurind.
- Guilty my Lord.
- Is there anything you wish to say
before I pass sentence on you?
- Yes my Lord.
I would like to apologise to the court
for any inconvenience that I've caused.
The fact that I was
involved in this crime,
is something that I shall
regret for the rest of my life.
The memory of my driving that getaway car
is something that has
haunted me night and day.
I'm glad now that it's nearly over.
Perhaps I can sleep at night.
I feel very humble, my Lord,
standing in this dock.
Why, God why did I do it?
I just hope that I will be
an example to anyone here,
who wishes to acquire money by easy means.
Thank you, my Lord.
- I shall now proceed to pass sentence.
Will the prisoner please stand?
You are found guilty
in conspiring to rob a Securicle van,
and I sentence you to
five years in prison.
Take him now.
- Thank you, Warder,
I'll only be a second.
Mr. Galaxy, a lovely morning outside.
I got a call from Miss Jenny Stride.
She sends her regards.
- How terribly toward.
- She had to let your
flat to somebody else.
Pity, we're so proud of him.
But she thought you ought to have this.
After all, it is yours.
- What, is it Christmas time already?
So soon?
(ripping present)
- Oh I nearly forgot.
The compliments of Sergeant Johnson.
Tis Spanish from the southern plains.
And now doubt you'll have plenty of time
to shred it yourself.
Goodbye Mr. Galaxy.
Thank you Warder.
(jail door closes)
- When I get out.
When I get out!
He is the kind who leaves the
trace of love in your mind
Knowing his touch will be
as much of him you will find
When you awake you'll know
it was all for his sake
And you're the one
Another bet he's won
With each affair he leaves
a trace of smoke in the air
Devil or man he takes the
most from life that he can
Til in the end in your
heart you feel he's a friend
The kind that you hate
to love yet love to see
Watch out for Galaxy
Get your backs against the wall
A magic man is he
Is he really there at all
His name is Galaxy
He's a winner taking all
But he's a mystery
Even galaxies can fall
(brass band music)