Confessions of a Dangerous Mind (2002) Movie Script
[Traffic sounds]
I wouldn't want
to live his life...
'cause he hasn't been happy
all of his life.
All I think is, if you can
find work, stay healthy...
find somebody to share it with,
you're the ultimate success.
He's had some of the pieces
of the puzzle...
but not all of them.
BURGER: "I, Ronald Reagan,
do solemnly swear..."
REAGAN: I, Ronald Reagan,
do solemnly swear...
BURGER: "That I will faithfully
execute the office...
"of President of
the United States."
That I will faithfully
execute the office...
[Tone blares]
[Cartoon music playing]
BARRIS: When you're young,
your potential is infinite.
You might
do anything. Nearly.
You might be Einstein...
you might be DiMaggio.
Then you get to an age
when what you might be...
gives way
to what you have been.
You weren't Einstein.
You weren't anything.
That's a bad moment.
[Knock on door]
Chuck, it's Pen.
[Peephole opens]
CHUCK: Hey, Jesus.
How'd you find me?
You wrote me your last letter
on hotel stationery.
CHUCK: Oh. It's great
to see you, Pen.
You look... you look beautiful.
PENNY: This place is scary.
CHUCK: Yeah. The human psyche.
PENNY: I came to take you back
to California with me.
CHUCK: Uh, no...
PENNY: It's a lonely state
without you.
CHUCK: I'm home, Red.
I can't wait forever
for you to marry me.
Well, apparently, I can,
but I really don't want to.
CHUCK: Uh...
PENNY, CRYING:
I love you so much.
PENNY: You don't understand.
I don't even know why.
CHUCK: Oh, Penny...
Penny, Penny, Penny.
[Laughs]
[Sighs]
[Slow piano music playing]
[Chuck closes peephole]
CHUCK: Listen. I gotta go. OK?
I'm kind of busy right now. OK?
BARRIS: It was 1981...
and I had loved myself up
in this New York hotel...
the Phoenix Hotel...
terrified of everything,
ashamed of my life.
Until. Finally,
I realized my salvation...
might be in recording
my wasted life unflinchingly.
[Typing]
Maybe it would serve
as a cautionary tale...
and maybe it would help me
understand why.
When I was 11,
I had an experience...
with my sister's friend
Tuvia...
that left
an indelible impression.
- Hey.
- What?
- Tuvia.
- What?
You want to lick it?
[Scoffs]
No. Why should I?
Well, for one thing,
it tastes like strawberry.
My sister tells me
you love strawberries.
Yeah, well,
I hate strawberries.
CHUCK: No, I'm serious.
It tastes exactly like
a strawberry lollipop.
TUVIA: Look,
I know that's not true.
- Well, I bet you it does.
- I bet you it doesn't.
CHUCK: I'll bet you a dollar.
BARRIS: Tuvia... my first love.
[Typing]
Perhaps my whole life
turned at that point.
The repulsiveness
of my sex confirmed...
by the taste buds
of a rippening pubescent girl.
What are you doing?
Get off me!
And so I found myself...
in a downward spiral
of debauchery...
endlessly chasing pussy.
[Doo wop music playing]
[Loud kissing]
My only focus in life
to get laid. To get blown...
tying to fool myself
into believing...
that given
the right combination...
of circumstances
and deception...
maybe the Tuvias
of the world...
could desire me
the way I desired them.
[Thwack]
I only wanted to be loved.
[Moans softly]
CHUCK: No...
[Sobbing]
# Won't you tell me why #
# I love #
[Zips pants]
# That girly so #
[Kissing]
# She doesn't want me #
BARRIS: The constant
inarticulate rage...
led to bar fight
after bar fight.
[Faint laughter]
TV ANNOUNCER: New York
is a city of people...
the only state
in the union to stretch...
from the Atlantic Ocean
to the Great Lakes.
Directly across the avenue is...
you're right again.
BARRIS: I had learned
that television...
was an industry
with a futune...
so I packed up and moved
from Philly to Manhattan.
[NBC theme plays]
[NBC theme plays]
TOUR GUIDE: We began making
commercial broadcasts in 1941.
and in 1953...
NBC made the first ever
color telecast by a network...
during
"The Colgate Comedy Hour."
Now we'll have a look
at the studio...
where they produce
"The Today Show"...
which NBC began
broadcasting in 1952.
CHUCK: Excuse me, miss.
Do you know where I could apply
for an NBC page?
TOUR GUIDE: Such as
"The Perry Como Show"...
which you can tune into
on Saturdays at 7:30.
"The Nat King Cole Show"...
which you won't want to miss,
on Tuesdays at 8 P.M.
And hold on one second.
OK.
And my personal favorite...
"The Lux Show"
starring Rosemary Clooney...
CHUCK: Which you can enjoy
every Thursday at 10:00.
And of course,
"The Steve Allen Show"...
which delights us
every Sunday at 8:00.
You may also be interested
to know that Steve Allen...
actually got his start in
entertainment as an NBC page.
Ladies and gentlemen,
if you'll follow me...
MARY-ANN:
Raymond... in accounting?
He's kind of cute, huh?
WOMAN: Cute is all
well and good, Mary-Ann...
but what you want is a man
who's going places...
A go-getter on
the management fast track.
MARY-ANN:
What about Mr. Waters?
CHUCK: Yeah, management
training application, please.
How many people have applied
for this so far?
WOMAN: Let's see.
Including you? About 2,000.
- For how many positions?
- Five.
[Bell dings]
Thanks, ma'am.
BARRIS: Sometimes,
as a younger man...
I stretched the truth
to get what I wanted.
GEORGIA: Tell me again!
CHUCK: Head of
network sales at 30.
Head of
the entire network by 40!
I love you,
Mr. Chuck Barris...
management trainee.
[Both moaning]
BARRIS: Life was sweet...
CHUCK: Uhh.
For a minute.
WOMAN ON TV: Everything's
either madly exciting...
on madly interesting.
I lope Sally never
bothers herself with you.
[Turns on faucet]
I got fired today.
Fired?
Yeah, fired.
GEORGIA: Fined?
What the fuck
did you get fired for?
CHUCK: I don't know.
Efficiency cutbacks.
Some bullshit.
Look. It's gonna be fine.
I'm pregnant.
So, I figured,
I'm gonna skip town.
I intend to be important,
you know?
I can't be saddled with this.
Pbbt!
But then I remembered
something Carlyle said.
"Do the duty
which lies nearest thee."
So you see...
MAN: Who's Carlyle?
Dear God.
Why do I even bother?
Fuck you,
you condescending prick.
Pregnant?
Yeah, pregnant.
Fuck you.
What the fuck
did you get pregnant for?
Fuck you.
What do you mean, what the fuck
did I get pregnant for?
You got me fucking pregnant,
you fuck.
Well, fuck you.
Fuck you.
- Fuckin'...
- Fuck you.
Fuck.
Fuck you.
[Dramatic music playing
on television]
GEORGIA: Looks like
I was just late.
Oh, yes, we had a great time.
The crew loved him
and loved the show, you know?
Because it was crazy.
And we could do anything
we wanted to... sort of...
and, uh, yeah,
they liked him very much.
He was a good guy.
Even though he's a prick,
he's a good guy, too.
DICK CLARK: "What is
labeled a dream faculty.
"Wouldn't school be wonderful
if we had a faculty like this?"
You need it. All right?
GIRL: "Principal Sal Mineo.
Vice Principal Tony Perkins..."
CLARK: Couldn't you see
going to a school...
where Sal Mineo
is the principal?
BARRIS: In '61. I had become
a minor suit at ABC.
It was during
the music payola scandal...
so my job was to commute
to Philly every day...
to the "American Bandstand"
tapings...
to keep an eye on Dick Clark.
CLARK: One more lady's choice
of the afternoon to go...
and suppose we make it
this one. OK?
BARRIS: On weekends...
I used to hang around
amusement parks...
because that's where
the young girls were.
I wrote a song
about my experiences.
# When you stop at the top
of a Ferris wheel... #
I got it to
Freddy "Boom Boom" Cannon...
through my friendship
with Dick Clark.
Dick nearly wanted
to help me out.
CHUCK: Hi.
- What?
- Hi.
Oh.
I wrote this song.
Huh.
It's number three
on the pop charts. See?
- Uh-huh.
- Yeah.
I believe there's
a great future in television.
Uh-huh?
So I'm gonna take my royalties
and create a pilot.
A pilot's what they call
a test TV show.
I work in TV.
Yeah? What's your name?
I'm Chuck.
- Debbie.
- Debbie.
CHUCK: So, You live in Philly?
DEBBIE:
No, I live in Manhattan.
CHUCK:
It's gonna be a game show.
I believe there's
a great future in game shows.
DEBBIE: Oh. That's good.
CHUCK: Yeah. Everyone
loves game shows. Right?
DEBBIE: I don't know.
CHUCK: Well. They do.
DEBBIE:
Well. That's great. Then.
CHUCK: Ha ha ha.
I'm on my way.
[Sighs]
PENNY: Hello.
Hi.
[Breathes in]
CHUCK: Uh... don't be alarmed.
I'm here with Debbie.
Yeah, I figured that.
Hungry?
Um, no, thanks.
PENNY: Thirsty?
Sure, if you have a beer or...
How was sex with Debbie?
I always wanted to know.
It was good. Fine.
Thanks for asking.
No problem.
I just got fucked
by this drummer cat...
a real righteous Negro hipster.
Heh. Interesting.
I'm into
the brotherhood of man.
I fucked an Oriental last week.
- What are you?
- Jew.
I had one of those once,
but he was Sephardic.
[Mispronounces]
You look Ashke-nazi.
- Ashkenazi.
- Right, Ashke-nazi.
I haven't had one of those yet.
You're romantic.
Yeah. I just don't get
into all the bullshit...
between cats and chicks.
- I know what you mean.
- You know what I mean?
Besides, you just give
your heart to one cat...
and you get hurt.
Don't I know it?
PENNY:
We could ball if you want.
[Both laugh]
CHUCK: Whoa-ho-ho.
That would be good.
Yeah, but... ha ha ha!
I'm here with Debbie.
It doesn't seem right.
[Laughing]
That's true.
I didn't think of that.
Well, I'm going to bed.
It was nice meeting you.
Hey, what's your name?
I'm Penny.
I'm Chuck.
- Chuck Barris.
- Yeah.
Yeah, you wrote
that Palisades song.
- I really like that song.
- Oh, thanks.
Yeah, it's real sentimental
bullshit.
CHUCK: Oh, right.
["Palisades Park" playing]
# Last night
I took a walk after dark #
# A swingin' place
called Palisades Park #
# To have some fun
and see what I could see #
# That's where
the girls are #
# I took a hide
on the shoot-the-chute #
# That girl I sat beside
was awful cute #
# After it stopped,
she was holding hands with me #
# My heart was flyin' up #
# Like a rocket ship #
# Down. Like a roller coaster #
# Back. Like a loop-the-loop #
# And around,
like a merry-go-round #
# We ate and ate
at a lot dog stand #
# We danced around
to a rockin' band #
# And when I could.
I gave that girl a hug #
# In the Tunnel of Love #
# You'll never know
low great a kiss can feel #
# When you stop at the top
of a Ferris wheel #
# When I fell in love #
# Down at Palisades Park #
# Whoa-oh-oh-oh #
[People at park scream]
[Song fades out]
PENNY: Last night
in my dream...
PENNY: Last night
in my dream...
this ape and I are sitting
staring at each other...
and it was. Like,
across time and evolution.
And then he started talking...
but in a language
I didn't really understand.
[Laughs] Swiss, maybe.
And then he turned into
Perry Como... real square.
- What's wrong with you?
- Nothing.
PENNY: You know,
just because we fucked...
doesn't mean
there are strings now.
CHUCK: [Laughs] OK.
PENNY: I just wanted
to tell you about my dream.
Nothing more complicated
than that. Don't panic.
I'm just not used to
all this dating bullshit.
Now we're a couple.
Now I'm obliged to give
a shit what you say.
PENNY: Don't worry.
I'm not into those games.
So anyway. The monkey
turns into Penny Como...
and I say...
- Holy fuck.
- What?
CHUCK: Holy, holy fuck.
You just gave me an idea
for a show. Fuck.
PENNY: A show about monkeys?
CHUCK: No, about people.
About sex, about romance...
about the bullshit of dating.
I call it "The Dating Game"...
and that's what it's about,
Mr. Goldberg.
A pretty girl
asks three handsome guys...
who she can't see...
silly questions...
and based on their answers...
she picks one to date,
and we pay for the date.
That's it.
That's the show.
CHUCK: Aah, Aah, Aah.
Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.
- Hot damn!
- What, what, what?
- They bought it.
- Yeah.
CHUCK: They bought it!
They're giving me 7,500
fuckin' dollars to make a pilot!
PENNY: We gotta go celebrate!
Let's go roller skating!
CHUCK: I can't. I got a date.
PENNY: OK, cool.
Will you call me after?
- OK.
- OK. Bye. Mwah.
[Upbeat music playing]
[No audio]
BARRIS: I figured I was in.
All I had to do
was get the pilot made...
[Camera clicks]
and I'd be a millionaire.
Everyone would love me.
Was anyone even so young?
- No.
- No.
- No.
- No.
- No.
- All right. Lose it.
BARRIS: ABC didn't like
"The Dating Game."
They did like a show
called "Hootenanny."
Whoa, whoa, whoa.
I like this one.
CHUCK: Well, he led
an amazingly long life.
BARRIS: Hooter-fuckin'-nanny.
PENNY: What do they know?
That's long for a dog.
I don't know.
Probably about 70 to you and me.
[Sighs] Uh-huh.
It's nine years
to every one of ours.
[Thump]
PENNY: Ha ha ha!
[Bag rustles]
CHUCK: Yeah.
[Penny laughing]
Uh-huh.
I'm sorry about your show.
What?
How long has he been dead?
Jesus, Phoebe, that's...
Yeah. No, I'll hold on.
- Is that your mom?
- My sister.
Come here. Oh, yeah.
I got you these.
Listen, Pen, I'm not...
I want to tell you something.
I talked to a psychic today.
- A what?
- A psychic.
And she said that you are
gonna be very successful.
- Oh, really?
- Very successful.
- Tarot cards?
- Tea leaves.
Say that again, Phoebe.
I missed it.
Tuvia? No, why would I
have seen her?
- She did?
- Who's Tuvia?
- To Manhattan?
- Who's Tuvia?
Yeah.
CHUCK: Uh-huh.
Oh, your niece.
CHUCK: Divorced? Really?
I didn't know she got married.
Yes?
Hi, Tuvia.
Well, if it isn't
Strawberry Dick Barris.
- What do you want?
- Ha ha ha!
I'm back in town for a while,
and I thought maybe...
TUVIA: Jesus,
you gotta be kidding.
CHUCK: We could go out
and get an ice cream cone.
He's so convincing
when he's... Heh heh...
when he's talkin' with you...
he could convince you
of anything, you know?
He's one of
the very few guys...
I'd like to have on my side
in a street fight.
CHUCK: You wanna fight,
you big pile of shit?
[Thud]
[Grunting and shouting]
You're a pretty angry
young fella.
Can't fight worth a damn,
though.
CHUCK: Hey. Screw off. Queen.
Don't think I haven't seen you
watching me...
in that bar for a week now.
Kind of a loner, I'd say.
Fairly bright,
a tad antisocial.
Mad at the world.
Can I buy you lunch?
[Sighs] Look, there's
a schoolyard half a block down.
Why don't you go trollin' there?
JIM: I can teach you
at least 30 different ways...
to kill a man with
a single blow, Mr. Barris.
It might help
in future bar fights.
Just a thought.
Oh, and there's money in it...
good money.
CHUCK: I figure
if I can keep afloat...
until I come up with
the next game show idea...
then all would be copacetic.
That sounds great, Chuck.
I've never known
a television producer before.
I'm impressed.
[Chuckles] Yeah. OK.
What's this money and a deal
you were talking about?
JIM: I work
for a government agency.
We're always looking for good,
enthusiastic men...
to help us carry out
our directives.
What kind of work?
What government agency?
Problem-solving work.
The Office
of Diplomatic Security.
[Laughs] Office of what?
I never heard of it.
Is that the fuckin' CIA
or something?
Ha ha ha ha ha!
JIM: Please be discreet,
Mr. Barris.
[Whispers] Jesus.
Is this the fuckin' CIA?
Yeah. Hell, I'll be a spy.
Where do I sign up?
Are you fuckin' with me?
You're fuckin' with me,
aren't you?
JIM: Hardly.
And you wouldn't be working
for the company.
You'd be an independent
contract agent.
Independent.
No official tie to any agency.
Understand?
Why me?
Well, as you know,
I've been watching you.
For quite some time, actually.
I've only let you know about it
for the last week.
I'm happy to report
you fit our profile, Mr. Barris.
Are you interested in the work?
What's the profile?
JIM: Are you interested
in the work, Mr. Barris?
Yeah, sure.
I wanna be a secret agent.
A contract agent, whatever.
Get to fuck beautiful
Eastern European women...
What we do is very serious,
Mr. Barris.
It's essential in quelling
the rise of comunism...
and allowing democracy
to get its rightful foothold...
around the globe.
You understand?
Uh... sure.
Yeah, uh...
Yeah, OK. That's good.
[Clears throat]
INSTRUCTOR: There are
several efficient methods...
for killing a man...
were you to find yourself
without a weapon.
The edge of your hand...
against your adversary's
Adam's apple.
This will crush his windpipe...
causing strangulation...
and death.
Hyuhh!
[Man gagging]
Shit!
I need another volunteer.
[Man gasping]
You're training me
to be a killer.
See, Chuck?
I knew you were fairly bright.
I'm not killin' people.
My future's in television.
You're 32 years old,
and you've achieved nothing.
Jesus Christ was dead
and alive again by 33.
You better get crackin'.
- I have ideas for shows.
- Good.
Why don't you spend another
six months developing them...
while you're staring
out the window...
waiting for
Larry Goldberg to call?
How do you know all this?
I know everything
about you, Chuck.
I know which hand
you jerk off with.
Left. Leave in the morning,
if you want.
I'm here to tell you, this is
honest work for good pay.
You're making
the world safer...
and your country
will be grateful.
It'll toughen you up.
CHUCK: Wait a second!
Hey, we gotta talk about this.
BARRIS: And there it was...
my defining moment.
I wasn't just gonna work
for the CIA.
I was gonna kill for them.
Call it patriotism.
[Gunfire]
[Dramatic music playing]
Glycerin is, of course...
the best known nitrating agent.
Keep in mind, though,
that nitro... ghycerine...
is extremely unstable.
A slight tap...
a one-degree change
in temperature...
and it'll blow up
in your hands.
So, let's mix us up a batch!
Everybody take
your 75-milliliter beaker...
and fill it up
to the 13-milliliter level...
with red-hot
fumin' nitric acid...
The field phone...
used as an instrument
of interrogation...
or torture.
[Electricity crackles]
Attaching firmly
to the genitalia.
[Fizzing and popping]
Hey, Ivan!
Are you now,
or have you ever been...
a member
of the Communist Party?
What's your Aunt Tillie's
recipe for vodka cookies?
[Laughs]
All right, Jack.
Take care, Lee.
[Starts engine]
I know a lot about him
that you are not gonna know.
I can't tell you.
Yeah.
I know some things about him
that are very distressing...
and, um...
and you wouldn't want
to know them about him.
[Music playing]
CHUCK: So. What did
this guy Renda do. Anyway?
It's your job
to follow directives...
not question their validity.
CHUCK: Uh... oh.
Por favor. Un, Seor...
No hablo ingls.
Ra-blah-blah
los bloteros?
[Speaks Spanish]
Ra-blah-blah
la minjares?
Hermano, help me, please.
- Seor. No habla ingls.
- No. No. No. No.
BENITEZ:
Can I be of some assistance?
JIM: He's a bad guy.
He's one of the bad guys.
Bad for the U.S., right, Jim?
Not bad in an absolute sense,
just bad for the U.S.
Don't fuckin' dance with me.
Renda's bad for
the Tea and Biscuit Company.
He's bad for me personally.
You work for me.
Renda's bad for me.
You're now officially
a patriotic citizen...
of the United States
of Jim Byrd.
There's no backing out now.
We've let you in on everything.
You don't play,
you don't leave.
Understand that?
You don't play, you don't leave.
JIM: I like you. I do.
And you're gonna do fine
tomorrow...
and we're gonna become
good friends.
You can have
a nice little career...
but you have to grow up.
There's a war on.
[Starts engine]
[Insects buzzing]
["Star Spangled Banner" playing]
JIM: Beautiful country,
isn't it?
CHUCK: Yeah.
You did us proud today, Chuck.
Renda was a bad guy.
He really was.
[Chuck vomiting]
Chuck, is that you?
Chuck, is that you?
Jesus Christ, Pen!
You scared the shit out of me.
- Were you throwing up?
- What are you doing here?
I've been crashing here
for a while.
I've been waiting for you.
Where you've been?
Mexico. I was just
on a little vacation.
You didn't drink the water,
did you?
- Yeah.
- You're not supposed to.
That's Montessori's revenge.
- Montezuma's.
- Right.
You can't even open your eyes
or your mouth...
when you take a shower there.
Why is our water so good,
and their water is poisoned?
- It's in the same ocean.
- I don't know.
- Oh!
- Huh.
Um... I'm a hippie now.
[Both laugh]
Wow. Great.
I've been to San Francisco,
and it's amazing there.
[Snaps fingers]
Everybody loves everybody...
and there's so many colors.
And we're gonna change
the world.
[Snaps fingers]
Will you come back there
and be my old man with me?
Ha ha! Well, not that old.
Penny, I'm a little
tired now, so maybe...
Oh, wait, wait.
I got to play you this song.
["Sunshine Superman" playing]
DONOVAN:
# Sunshine came softly #
# Through my window today... #
CHUCK: Penny,
what did you do to my wall?
Some guy called... Gold bird.
Gold bird. Larry Goldberg?
You're kidding me!
Hi. This is Chuck Barris
returning for Larry Goldberg.
- Hi, Chuck.
- Mr. Goldberg.
I'm so sorry I didn't
get back to you right away.
I was out of town.
I was on vacation in Mexico.
Good for you.
Listen, I'm sitting here
and going through things...
and I have a hole
in my daytime schedule.
I think it might be right
for you and your baby.
My baby, Mr. Goldberg?
Chuck, "Dating Game."
Isn't that your baby?
- Yes, sir, it is.
- You're still interested?
Yes, sir.
Very interested, sir.
I've got six weeks
to get this on the air.
Is that doable
for you and your people?
My people? Six weeks?
Sure, yeah.
Give me a call when
you get to L.A., Chuck.
Oh, goddamn.
Hot dog.
Fucking shit. Piss.
PENNY: Who's Larry Goldberg?
[Stomach gurgles]
[Applause]
Bachelor number one...
what would
I like most about you?
I'm very romantic...
and I'd send you
flowers every day.
BACHELORETTE:
Aw. That's so sweet.
Bachelor number three. What
would I like most about you?
My big cock.
[Laughter]
[Light applause]
[Laughs]
BACHELORETTE:
Bachelor number one...
what nationality are you?
BACHELOR NUMBER ONE:
Um... my daddy is Welsh...
my mama's Hunganian...
so I guess
that makes me well-hung.
[Laughter]
Bachelor number two...
I play the trombone.
If I blew you,
what would you sound like?
BACHELOR NUMBER TWO:
What would I sound like?
[Laughs]
All right. Ooh.
Ooh. Ooh. Ooh. Ooh.
Ooh. Ooh.
Ooh. Ooh. Ooh.
Ooh.
That's nice. Don't stop. Oh.
[Imitates trombone]
Blow it. Baby.
[Imitates trombone
playing shakily]
[Shoes squeak]
CHUCK: Heh heh.
Chuck, quite frankly,
these episodes are unaidable.
CHUCK: Look, Larry,
the show's spontaneous.
It's unscripted.
That's its charm.
I can't help what people say.
HANK: Be that as it may,
we can't have black men...
getting blow jobs
on national television!
The point is not
that he's black, Hank.
HANK: Well, I know that.
GOLDBERG: Chuck. That's it.
We can't air this stuff.
If you can't retain
your spontaneity on the show...
without this lewd conduct,
it's over.
It's finished.
You're history.
Now, fix this fucking thing,
or we got a problem.
Hi, folks.
Before we begin taping today...
I'd like to introduce you
to Mr. Peter Jenks...
of the Federal
Communications Commission.
OK?
Thank you, Mr. Barris.
I don't know if any of you
are aware of this...
but it's a federal offense...
to make lascivious remarks...
on a television
network broadcast.
The penalty...
for this disgusting...
un-American... behavior...
is one year in prison...
or a $10,000 fine...
or both!
Anyone...
making a sick subversive
remark tonight...
will be arrested immediately.
l, then,
will personally escort...
the offender
to federal prison...
for booking
under edict number 364...
of the Broadcasting Act
of 1963.
And it's a long drive
to that prison, baby.
Just you and me.
No witnesses:
CHUCK:
OK. Have fun. Everybody.
All right.
They gave everybody jackets
with their names on them...
and when we got number one
ratings on Saturday nights...
everybody got a gold plaque.
And so, he was a good boss...
and obviously
had the common touch...
because he really knew
what people wanted to watch.
BARRIS: We aired
and became a big hit.
A phenomenon. Nearly.
CHUCK: Hey, baby.
[Sighs]
I got a story to tell you.
- Asshole.
- I know, I know.
Uhh. I got
a little story for you.
LORETTA: I'm busy.
We're in the middle...
of a bachelorette crisis
out there.
CHUCK: Sit down, relax.
Take a load off.
Make yourself at home.
I just got a call
from the network.
- You want a drink?
- You got any weed?
CHUCK: I wish. No. No weed.
Then I'll have a drink.
[Chuck sighs]
LORETTA: Bad news?
"The Tammy Grimes Show" is being
pulled from Saturday night.
- Oh, not Tammy.
- Ha ha ha ha.
They want me to put
a primetime version...
of "The Dating Game"
on in its place.
- That's fucking great.
- Yeah, it's great...
but they say the daytime version
is not hot enough.
They want me to make it
more exciting for nighttime.
I got 48 hours.
LORETTA: What have you got?
[Sighs]
I don't have a clue.
I got nothing. Bupkus.
This is a big deal, Loretta.
My big break.
I know. [Exhales]
- Don't blow it.
- Oh, thanks for the help.
[Sighs]
[Slow jazz music playing]
JIM: Let me
ask you something, Chuck.
Jesus. What the...
What are you doing here?
JIM:
I've been put in clange...
of a fairly large
wet operation...
and I could use your help.
[Scoffs]
Have you noticed, Jim?
I got a TV show on the air.
I don't need to kill people
for hire anymore.
I know you don't need to,
but you like to.
Bullshit.
Think of it as a hobby...
something you do to relax.
You can be
an assassination enthusiast...
a murder bug.
I got important things
to think about here.
I don't have time
to fuck around with you.
This is serious work
we're talking about, Chuck...
serious work.
How about I help you out
with your little show...
you help me out
with my little operation?
Tit for tat.
That's the kind of guy I am.
Oh, yeah.
You're a piece of work.
I've seen this "Dating Game"
of yours, Chuck...
and I do have a thought.
What, now you're
a big television producer?
JIM: I'm John Q. Public
when it comes to TV...
and that should make my opinion
of value to you.
CHUCK: All right,
let's hear it, then.
JIM: What do you have?
Some couple gets sent...
to some second-rate
shit-can restaurant...
setting you back 50 bucks?
That's not
too exciting a prize...
for us vicarious living boobs
out in TV land.
- What's your point?
- Up the stakes, Chuck.
Send them
to some exotic locale...
Europe, Southeast Asia,
for example.
The network's not going
to let me send...
two unmarried kids
on vacation together.
JIM: Send them with a chaperone.
CHUCK: That's...
That's not half bad.
JIM: I'm telling you.
Sometimes you could be
the chaperone.
Say we have a job
for you in Austria.
You, a successful
television producer...
chaperones a young couple.
While there, you take care
of some company business.
It's a perfect cover.
TV producer by day,
CIA operative at night.
I got money, Jim.
I don't have to kill people
for money anymore.
Chuck, when I said
you fit the profile...
very little of that meant
you needed the money.
You liked it with Renda.
I saw it in your eyes.
You liked it,
but you botched it.
You could be
a great warrior, Chuck.
BACHELORETTE:
Bachelor number three...
if we were fixed up
on a date...
and I ignored you...
DIRECTOR: This guy's
never been on a date.
[Snaps fingers]
Ready, four. Take four.
Well, I'm not used
to being ignored...
but I would...
I'd give you your space.
The only date this guy's
had is with his right hand.
[Both laugh]
Ready, one. Take one.
[Audience laughing]
Bachelor number three,
what if I pick you...
DIRECTOR:
God. She's going for the three.
Ready. Four. Take four.
[Snaps fingers]
The only way
that you could be ughy...
is by what you say or do.
I don't know.
From where I'm sitting...
I think you're beautiful.
DIRECTOR: I can't believe it.
BACHELORETTE:
Bachelor number three...
can you please tell me
what a girl is like...
who las never been
on a date before...
and low you can tell?
Well... I'll ask her
what she likes to do...
and if she doesn't know what
she likes to do...
then I'll know
she hasn't done it yet.
[Applause]
[Game show music playing]
BACHELOR NUMBER THREE:
Why don't you talk to her?
You can do that.
She's really shy.
You have to tell her.
That's your job.
Tell her that I think
she's real pretty...
and I want
to be her boyfriend.
I'm shy, too.
You got to tell her that, Chuck.
I used to skate
when I was young.
I told her that.
She didn't even look at me.
You got to talk to her, Chuck.
It's your job.
She picked me,
not those other guys.
You're the chaperone, Chuck.
She called me gay.
I'm not gay.
You got to tell her that.
You're not doing your job
very well.
I mean,
I know it takes time...
for people to get
to know each other...
but this is ridiculous.
They thought he was...
They sort of walked
a straight line...
because they used to talk
about him...
saying, you know,
"This guy, he can turn on you."
You know,
and I never saw that side...
but a lot of the crew thought
he could turn on them.
Chuck?
[Slow jazz music playing]
JIM: Helsinki is wonderful
this time of year.
Especially the snow.
It affords one solitude...
even in a city full of people.
Excuse me.
Is this seat taken?
By you.
[Sighs]
Helsinki is wonderful
this time of year, isn't it?
Yes, it is.
Oh, I'm sorry. Um...
Excuse me.
Helsinki is wonderful
this time of year, isn't it?
Especially the snow.
It affords one solitude...
even in a city full of people.
Hey...
I'm Chuck. Ahem.
So I gathered.
CHUCK: And you are?
Here you are, Chuck.
At least give me
a made-up name...
something for me to cry out...
during those dark nights
of the soul.
Cry out, "Olivia."
That's "Twelfth Night."
Very good, Chuck.
I'm pleasantly surprised.
You're not like
the other murderers.
[Dramatic music playing]
MAN: Here.
CHUCK: Do you have it?
- Do you have it?
- Oh, sorry.
CHUCK: Don't worry.
We're not going to cheat you.
MAN: Year. Just the same.
- Unh!
- Sorry about your teeth.
[Fires with silencer]
[Body falls]
[Fires with silencer]
Chuck?
Chuck?
[Music fades]
[Exhaling, whistling]
[Hums]
[Beethoven's
"Moonlight Sonata" playing]
CHUCK: Olivia?
It's Patricia, actually.
PATRICIA: So. Then I spent
a year in Operation Chaos...
inside the anti-war movement...
nudging it towards violence
to discredit it.
That was fun.
CHUCK: It sounds fun.
So, tell me, Patricia,
why did you come here tonight?
Ahem.
I don't know.
You're kind of cute
in a homely sort of way, and...
It's lonely when
the civilian you're fucking...
calls out the name
on your fake passport.
CHUCK: All the information
I have about myself...
is from forged documents.
Nabokov.
[Glass shatters]
[Objects clatter]
Wait, wait.
I got to go into the bathroom
and take care of something.
Leave the microfilm in, baby.
[Upbeat music playing]
# Hoo! #
# Hull! #
Chuck.
# Hey! #
Do you know when my episode
is going to air?
OK. See you, Chuck. Bye.
JIM: Chuck,
this is Simon Oliver.
Everything go OK?
You don't look too good.
Mr. Barris, do not ever again
jeopardize one of my missions...
by having a game show contestant
standing around as a witness.
- Is that understood?
- You're welcome, pal.
Do I make myself clear?
Fuck you.
They're my contestants.
You are a bloody amateur.
- You're a faggot.
- Chuck.
OLIVER: Tell me, Mr. Barris.
Are you in possession
of my microfilm?
- Yeah, I got it.
- Let's have it, then.
It's up my ass, Oliver.
Why don't you get it?
What is this shit?
I deserve a little appreciation
for my efforts here, Jim.
SIMON: What do you think
Patricia Watson was?
Prick.
EUBANKS: Really? OK.
He said he dated none of them.
That's right.
[Applause]
- Sandra?
- Um. Six of them.
LORETTA: Well,
if it isn't the hit man.
- What?
- The hit man.
ALL: Surprise!
[Cheering]
ABC's going to pick up
"The Newlywed Game"!
Daytime and primetime!
You're kidding me!
Oh, my God!
That's sensational.
You mean it? Fantastic!
Whoo:
EUBANKS: OK. Here's the last
of our five-point questions.
Girls. Tell me where,
specifically...
is the weirdest place
that you personally, Girls...
have even gotten the urge
to make whoopee.
The weirdest place, Olga?
OLGA: Um...
[Audience laughs]
EUBANKS: Yes, Olga?
In the ass?
[Audience laughs]
No, no, no. No, the...
HUSBAND: It's still there.
EUBANKS: No. No.
What I'm talking about...
is the weirdest location,
the weirdest place. Yeah.
OLGA: I don't know.
[Audience laughing]
Oh!
EUBANKS: Olga...
Olga. The word is
the location on place.
You know what I mean?
ESQUIVEL:
# Mucha muchacha #
# Mucha muchacha #
# Mucha muchacha #
# Mucha muchacha #
# Mucha muchacha #
# Mucha muchacha #
# Mucha muchacha #
# Ba ba ba ba baile #
# Ba #
# Al #
# Al #
# Ba ba ba ba ba-ba-ba #
# Ra pa pa
na pa ba na pa #
# Ra pa pa na pa ba na pa #
# Ra pa pa
na pa ba na pa #
# Ra pa na pa ba na pa #
# Ra pa pa na pa ba na pa #
# Ra pa pa na pa ba na pa #
[Music fades]
BARRIS: I liked Penny.
I even loved her. In my way.
But the idea
of tying myself down...
for the rest of my life...
I remember
my parents' marriage.
We need a new icebox.
[Radio playing faintly]
["The Newlywed Game"
theme plays]
[Applause]
AUDIENCE: Ooh...
BARRIS: "The Newlywed Game"...
was based on my theory
that almost any Amenican...
would sell out their spouse
for a washer. Dryer...
on a lawn mower
you can hide on.
Such was my respect
for that most holy of unions.
- "Interpret."
- Interpret.
Oh. Do you have
an extra "R" I can borrow?
I'm not going
to give you a letter.
You're lucky I don't make you
forfeit a turn.
Oh, OK.
You look cute today, Pen.
I always look cute.
Don't distract me.
[Blows]
What was I going to say?
I don't know.
What were you going to say?
[Music playing faintly]
I think
we should get married...
because we've known
each other forever...
and we've fucked
each other forever.
And you think I'm cute,
you just said.
And you always come to me
when you're in trouble...
and I'm nothing
like your mother...
What does that mean?
What is that?
I'm just kidding.
Don't ask me
to marry you again, OK?
# I don't use a knife #
# Don't need a gun #
BARRIS: I couldn't breathe.
I was drowning.
And what the fuck did my mother
have to do with it?
So I made a call.
[Water running]
[Turns off water]
[Door opens, closes]
JIM: Over here,
strawberry dick.
[Enters stall]
CHUCK: How do you know
those things?
JIM: We know what she actually
thought it tasted like.
CHUCK: Really?
I could never find that out.
JIM: That's on
a need-to-know basis.
What can I do for you?
CHUCK:
I really need something, Jim.
I need something for my head.
JIM: I got something
for your head.
LANGE: And you're going
on your date...
to fabulous
West Berlin, Germany.
["The Dating Game" theme plays]
[Applause]
[Music fades]
[Accordion music playing]
The name's Hans Colbert.
Other side of the wall.
We don't like him very much.
You'll be working with
a kraut named Keeler.
He's been tailing Colbert
for a month.
Knows the routine.
Keeler's a drunk...
so stay sober and take charge.
It's done and done.
[Dramatic music playing]
Kill for me, baby.
[Rumbling]
[Electricity crackles]
[Coughs]
[Click]
[Keeler writing]
[Writing]
What are you writing, Sieg?
Just keeping track of anything
that happens in the...
[Speaking German]
Ah.
[Continues writing]
[Accordion music playing]
MAN: Ha.
CHUCK: That's him.
Too many people.
[Laughing]
[Music stops]
[Keeler whistles faintly]
Chuck. Chuck.
- All right.
- Take the camera.
What is this?
Aah!
What the...
[Muffled yells]
- Take a picture.
- Take a what?
Take a picture.
Picture. Come on.
Take a picture.
Danke schon.
He would disappear for
a week or so at a time...
and his secretary would
just say he's out of town.
We didn't know
where he went, so...
I don't know
whether it's true or not.
I... I couldn't say.
BARRIS: The only reason
the KGB didn't kill me...
was they needed me...
to trade for one of
their Russian agents.
I promised myself
if I got out of this...
I'd live my life differently.
I'd throw myself into work,
into life.
Penny. I needed to see
Penny again.
And tell Byrd I'm out...
for good.
If I could just make it past
this one last man...
this one... last...
I don't know what was worse...
that I was duped by
that fat fucking bachelor...
on that it took seven of us
to replace him.
[Goat bleating]
You're still in one piece?
CHUCK:
Where the fuck you been?
Did you have a nice flight?
Fuck you. Where you been?
I got one contact, Jim...
and it's you, and if you
disappear, I got no one.
You understand?
[Loud music]
# I tip my lat
to the new constitution #
# Take a bow
for a new revolution #
# Smile and grin at the change
all around me #
# Pick up my guitar
and play #
# Just like yesterday #
# Then I get on my knees
and pray #
# We don't get fooled
again #
# No. No #
# If I had a hammer #
# I'd a-hammer in the morning #
# I'd a-hammer
in the evening #
- She's good, huh?
- She's very good. Very good.
That's great.
That's fine.
Thank you so much.
But I can sing the whole song.
That was wonderful. Great.
That was enough.
That was fine.
All right.
Bring in the next thing.
Christ, there's gotta be
somebody in America...
with some talent. Hi!
FEMALE EXECUTIVE: Now,
I saw her in a little club.
You're gonna love her.
[Playing guitar]
[Singing atonally]
# If I had a hammer #
# I'd hammer
in the morning #
# I'd hammer in the evening #
# All over this land #
# I'd hammer out danger #
# I'd hammer out a warning #
# I'd hammer out
love between #
# My brothers
and my sisters #
# All over this land #
[Gunshot]
[Bell tolls]
# All over this land #
[Gong clangs]
# If I were a... #
- Oh, no, thank you.
- That's great. Fantastic!
That was great.
We'll be in touch.
Thank you. Thank you.
We've been going
about this all wrong.
Rather than killing ourselves
trying to find good acts...
we just put bad ones
and kill them!
Chuck, honestly, this...
and I know you like them...
this is torture.
No, no, no. We kill 'em
before they're through.
As soon as
it gets unbearable...
we kill 'em... dead!
["The Gong Show" theme plays]
Ladies and gentlemen,
this act...
Ah. Oh, this is so good!
I love this, man.
This next act answers
the age-old question!
If you wear a cellophane...
if you...
Whish: OK.
[Audience laughs]
If you wear... ha ha...
a cellophane suit...
can people
clearly see you're nuts?
I don't know.
A little humor, folks.
All the way from Pacoima...
Mick Donnelly!
[Cheers and applause]
[Music plays]
[Off-key] # Raindrops
keep falling on my head #
# Just like the guy #
# Whose feet
are too big for his bed #
# Nothin' seems to fit
those #
# Raindrops are fallin'
on my head #
# They keep fallin' #
# So I just did me
some talkin' to the sun #
# And I said I didn't like #
# The way he got things done #
# Sleepin' on the job,
those... #
BARRIS: Who could have known
there were so many Amenicans...
just waiting for
the opportunity to get on TV...
and make an ass
out of themselves?
# Raindrops keep fallin'
on my head #
# But that doesn't
mean my eyes #
# Will soon be turnin' red #
[Audience booing]
# Cryin's not for me, 'cause #
# I'm never gonna stop
the rain by complainin' #
# Because I'm... #
[Gong]
We'll be back
with more stuff...
right after this message.
You know what the sad part
about it is...
Barris has a reputation...
for lowering
the bar of television...
and the standards and all...
but he had a great feel
for what people wanted...
and he couldn't take
the criticism.
BARRIS: Things started
to evolve pretty quickly.
The show was
gaining momentum...
and I was becoming the one
thing I didn't expect...
famous.
- You're Chuck Barris, right?
- Yeah.
"The Gong Show."
I love that show.
Thanks.
WOMAN: Hi.
Hi.
I thought that was you.
Yeah... it's me.
[Woman laughs]
Well, I'm glad to meet you.
I've seen "The Gong Show."
Oh. Yeah, well...
I think you're the most
insidious, despicable force...
in entertainment today.
How dare you subject
the rest of the world...
to your loathsome views
of humanity?
Yeah... I don't think
it's that loathsome.
What is it, then?
To mock some
poor lonely people...
who are just craving a little
attention in their lives...
to destroy them?
I mean, they're still people.
They still deserve a little
respect and compassion.
Who the hell are you...
and what the fuck
have you ever done...
to elevate yourself
among the pathetic masses?
Oh, that's right.
You created "The Dating Game."
Wow.
That's right up there
with the Sistine Chapel.
[Drink spills]
Ladies and gentlemen...
it wouldn't surprise me
to see this next act...
[Upbeat music begins]
MAN: Whoo.
That means...
it's Gene Gene,
the Dancing Machine...
and just in time!
[Gene's dancing music plays]
FEMALE CRITIC:
He represents more...
than just the decline
of quality television.
In my opinion. Chuck Barris
will do more harm...
to our society
than people seem to realize.
LORETTA:
Line one's for you. Chuck.
- Who is it?
- Some guy.
He says he's a friend
of yours from Berlin.
Hello.
Very gutsy, my neighbor.
I guess you heard about Oliver.
Someone changed sides.
[Car door opens,
street noises]
What was so urgent?
[Car door closes]
[Street noises]
KEELER: I was wondering,
you wanna grab a bite?
I'm in town for a day.
BARRIS: Now,
assassins don't fraternize.
That Keeler was calling me...
could mean it was
my turn to get lit.
I would take him somewhere
where I knew I would be safe.
How's show biz?
Well, it's hit and miss.
I got a new show called
"Operation Entertainment"...
which I believe
is really, really gonna kill.
It's sort of a Bob Hope
visiting the troops thing...
but it's weekly.
Instead of Bob Hope,
it's like Flip Wilson...
Chuck. Tch.
Why do you do what you do?
Hm?
I like to think that
I bring joy and laughter...
to millions of people.
It's a very important thing,
I think...
in these difficult times.
I'm not saying the show is
as good as it can be yet...
but, uh...
KEELER: No. No.
Why do we do what we do?
Hm? [Laughs] Come on.
I got my feet wet
in World War II.
Germany.
The pleasure of killing
was exhilarating.
Later in life, I...
couldn't find a place
to fill that void...
to get that
same rush of energy.
So I started up
my own business.
MAN: Gentlemen.
are you ready to order?
I'll have a green salad,
no dressing.
And for you, sir?
Can I get a steak? Rare.
Thank you.
Let me read you something.
"Whatsoever your hand
finds to do...
"do it ghadly...
"because there is no work,
love, knowhedge...
"or wisdom in the grave."
Who is that, Carlyle?
No, it's the Old Testament.
It's God.
It's amazing
you should quote him.
He's my hero.
[Both laugh]
Killing my first man...
was like making love
to my first woman.
I remember
every little detail...
the smell of his lain...
ice on the window...
wallpaper.
It's like entering
a different time zone.
You're becoming an outsiden...
isolating yourself.
You're condemned.
CHUCK: Condemned?
KEELER: You have become...
their sadness. And...
live in a different
state of mind.
Ladies and gentlemen...
the lost of "The Gong Show"...
[Chuckles]
Chuck Barris.
It's good to see you, Sieg.
KEELER:
Yeah. It'll be all right.
It'll be all right.
WOMAN: # Happy birthday #
KEELER: I think.
# To you #
# Happy birthday #
# Dean Chuckie #
# Happy birthday #
# To you #
Is that right?
Yeah. That's real good.
That's real good.
So what's wrong, Chuck?
Are you OK?
So what's wrong, Chuck?
Are you OK?
Yeah, I'm OK.
A guy I know
killed himself last night.
A guy I know killed himself.
- Who was he?
- You don't know him.
He's a stagehand.
Why did he do it?
He didn't like
his work anymore.
- Thanks.
- Thanks.
Is being a stagehand
really. Really bad?
Yeah, it's pretty bad.
Hello?
You were supposed to meet me
at the Palm two hours ago.
- Oh, fuck, I forgot.
- You forgot. Really?
- Keeler's dead. Did you know?
- Yeah, I heard.
- What did you hear?
- I heard he took himself out.
Is that right?
Did Byrd tell you that?
He said he was depressed.
I was gonna tell you, but... Hey!
Who is this?
I don't get stood up.
Do you understand?
Fun: Excuse me.
[Both laugh]
So ghad... Penny. Patricia.
How'd you find me?
Are you serious?
This is what I do for a living.
What does she mean?
You're dead in my book,
strawberry dick.
- Strawberry dick?
- I'll see you around.
Nice to meet you, Penny.
I've heard a lot about you.
Why don't you stay
for a cocktail?
Penny...
And... and... you know, man...
I'm giving you
one more chance. Get it?
[Sighs] Fuck.
[Audience applauds]
MAN: Thank you,
ladies and gentlemen.
[Plays intro to
"Fools Rush In"]
[Off-key] # Wise men say #
# Only fools #
# Rush in #
# But I can't help #
# Falling in love #
# With you #
# Take my land #
# Take my whole life #
# Too #
# For I can't help #
# Falling in love #
# With you #
# For I can't help #
# Falling in love #
# With #
# You #
[Weak applause]
Thank you,
ladies and gentlemen.
LORETTA. OVER INTERCOM:
Line one for you. Chuck.
Thanks.
Yeah?
JIM: Keeler didn't
kill himself.
He was murdered.
Watch your back.
[Hangs up]
You can come in now.
Mr. Flexner.
Chuck:
[Chuck hangs up phone]
- Great to see ya.
- What's up, Rod?
[Chuckles]
Well... Chuck, may I sit?
Hey, how's that redhead?
She's good, you know.
Keeps...
Well, Chuck, the thing is,
we have to talk.
What's up, Rod?
Well, the thing is...
some of your old shows
aren't doing so well...
in the old ratings wan.
Ha ha ha!
So... I've been put
in the unfortunate position...
of laving to inform you...
that the network
is canceling these shows.
Now, don't shoot me, Chuck.
I'm just the messenger.
Psshh.
Aargh. [Chuckles]
[Sighs]
This really is the hardest part
of the job for me.
CHUCK:
They killed my babies...
just like that.
I pushed them into the world...
through the birth canal
of my imagination...
Iovinghy... tenderly.
Where's the humanity
of these people? Huh?
- Fuck 'em.
- Fuck 'em.
They're fucking bastards anyway.
Yeah. What am I gonna do now?
WOMAN: Oh, baby.
Oh, yeah. Feels so good.
[Woman moans softly]
Chuck?
PENNY: Chuck?
Fuck. Fuck.
Penny, fuck.
I came here to tell you
I sold a painting.
That's great.
What's she doing here?
CHUCK: She's. Uh...
PENNY: This is our house.
It's one thing to go elsewhere
for your pussy needs.
But this is our house.
It's my house, Pen.
It's our house.
I found it with you.
I decorated it with you.
I spent six fucking months...
waiting for the fucking plumber
to fucking come.
CHUCK: I'm sorry.
You're such an asshole.
[Starts engine]
No, I'm not saying that.
That's not what I'm saying.
PENNY: Then what
are you saying, Chuck?
[Sniffles]
[Crying] Do you want me
around or not?
Do you even like me?
Of course I like you.
Penny...
- How much?
- What?
I need to know
how much you like me.
I don't know what that means.
How much? How can I rate
a person in that way?
You could if you felt it.
If you felt it,
it would be easy.
You would just...
[Exhales]
spread your arms
as wide as they would go...
and say, "This much, Penny."
[Whispering] Everything...
Everything's complicated, Pen.
You know, nothing's
black and white like that.
Do you want me around or not?
Because if you don't, it's OK.
Just tell me.
Hey, hey...
I love you, Penny, in my way.
Maybe not in that crazy
head-over-heels thing...
but what is that anyway?
Romantic love...
isn't that just an illusion?
You just said
you loved me, right?
[Sniffles]
[Music fades in]
# Just like yesterday #
# And I'll get on my knees
and pray #
# We don't... #
[Turns off music]
JIM: Hi, Chuck.
Hey, Jim, what do you want?
- How's work?
- Great.
Any new game show ideas?
Dozens. Why are you here, Jim?
We need you to find the mole
and take him out.
Yeah.
[Laughs]
Yeah...
I'm done killing people.
I just want
to entertain people.
I'm out.
No, you're not.
Hey, I got an idea.
If you want him so bad...
why don't you do it?
Why don't you kill the mole?
Any problem with killing, Jim?
I just don't fit the profile.
What fucking profile?
There is no fucking profile.
OK. There's no profile.
- There's no profile.
- OK.
You had a twin sister,
stillborn...
strangled
by your umbilical cord.
Your first hit.
Your mother always
wanted a daughter.
She blamed you
for your sister's death...
so until your sister
Phoebe was born...
she raised you as a girl.
What else?
Your father, the dentist.
Not really your father.
Your real father was a man
named Edmond James Windsor.
Among other things,
he was a serial killen...
a fact
your mother didn't know...
when she had an affair
with him in 1928.
- That's ridiculous.
- Is it?
That's insane.
Windsor died in
the electric chain in 1939.
I'm trying to think of
what more I can tell you...
but you have me at a bit
of a disadvantage, Chuck.
I don't have your files
in front of me.
Come on, Jim.
I'm out.
As long as the mole's alive,
you're a dead man.
How do I know it's not you?
You're a fairly bright guy.
You'll figure it out.
[Ominous chords]
[No audio]
[No audio]
[Ominous music continues]
[Bagpipe music fades in]
- Hey, Chuck. I...
- Take it off.
Who are you?
What's your name?
[Gong]
[Audience applauds]
[Incidental game show music]
Yeah...
that's the way it goes on TV.
CHUCK: Get off the stage.
Go back to Scotland.
Get yourself a Guinness
and some Lucky Charms.
All right.
Ladies and gentlemen...
the prince of puns...
the wizard of whoopee!
[Applause]
The Unknown Comic!
Hey, Chuckie, baby!
Hey, Chuckie, baby,
I got a joke for you.
- A joke.
- What?
What's the difference
between toilet paper...
and a shower curtain?
- I don't know. What?
- Here's the guy!
- Get off the stage.
- No, it's my turn, Chuckie.
- Get off the stage.
- You're fucking crazy, man.
Get the fuck out of here.
Ladies and gentlemen...
our next act... Ha ha!
First came...
To us... all the way...
Um... ha ha...
Lord.
Crazy on coast-to-coast.
Come on.
You like the way Mommy looks?
Yes.
I bet you'd like to be a mommy
some day, wouldn't you?
Come here, You.
[Renda crying out]
CHUCK: Sorry about
your teeth.
MOTHER:
#... birthday to you #
# Happy birthday to you #
# Happy birthday,
dear Chuckie #
# Happy birthday to... #
Come on. Take me away now.
Take me away.
What are you waitin' for?
Come on. Come on.
Come on.
I see you.
I know who you are.
What are you looking at?
[Music starts]
SINGERS:
# If I had a hammer #
# I'd a-hammer
in the morning' #
# I'd a-hammer
in the evenin' #
# All over this land #
# I'd a-hammer out danger #
# I'd a-hammer out a warning' #
# I'd a-hammer out love #
# Between my brothers
and my sisters #
# All over #
# This land #
# Ooh ooh ooh #
# If I had a bell #
# I'd a-ring it
in the mornin' #
# I'd a-ring it
in the evenin' #
# All over this land #
# I'd ring out danger #
# I'd ring out a warning #
# I'd ring out #
# Love between my brothers
and my sisters #
# All over #
# This land #
# Ooh #
# If I had a song #
# I'd sing it
in the morning #
# I'd sing it
in the evenin' #
# All over this land #
# I'd sing out danger #
# I'd sing out a warning #
# I'd sing out love #
# Between my brothers
and my sisters #
# All over #
# This land #
# This land #
BARRIS: Dean Penny...
this is just a note to say
that I'm sorry...
for all of it.
You were the best pant
of my life...
and I couldn't see it.
I'm not asking
for another clance...
just for your forgiveness.
Love. Chuck.
[Knock on door]
Well...
Look who comes out of hiding.
CHUCK: I started thinking,
Trish, you're the only woman...
in the world
who really... who really knows me.
I know I screwed you over
in the past...
and I'm sorry. I...
[Piano concerto plays]
I just want you
to know that...
I hate myself for how...
Goddamn, I hate myself
for how I lived, Trish.
PATRICIA: Nietzsche says
whoever despises oneself...
still respects oneself
as one who despises.
CHUCK: Shit,
I never thought of that.
I can't even despise myself
with any insight.
The insane asylums
are filled with people...
who think
they're Jesus or Satan.
Very few have delusions
of being...
a guy down the block who works
for an insurance company.
All right.
What is this stuff?
I wanted to be a writer once.
I wanted to write something...
that someday some lesser person
would quote...
but I never did.
I'm the lesser person, Trish.
I never say
anything meaningful...
that wasn't said
by somebody else first.
I am disposable.
I disposed of people,
and I'm disposable.
I've been thinking about you
a lot lately, Chuck.
- Oh, yeah?
- Mm.
I've missed you.
You could have fooled me.
Well, I've mellowed.
[Chuckles]
Boston is a beautiful city.
We could start over here,
normal life together.
Sell insurance.
[Laughs]
Yeah. That sounds good.
That sounds right.
Look at that.
I could learn to love
that skyline.
Did you see
I got your picture framed?
Oh, yeah? Where?
- Look.
- Oh, hot dog!
To life.
To life.
You devil. Isn't that sweet?
Oh...
Hey, what about splitting
our time in New York?
Fuck. I just bit...
It's just a... [Gags]
[Gagging]
[Gasping, grunting]
PATRICIA: No, that's too quick.
You're supposed to get to
the bathroom and throw up first.
God, Chuck, you should have
seen Oliver's face.
It was just... well...
if I do say so myself.
I got a nice snapshot of it,
actually.
Mm...
You know, Keeler was easy.
Traveled halfway around
the world for a night with me.
Hm...
[Chuck panting]
OK... Let's see...
[Grunts]
Chuck, you've put on weight.
Come on.
I nearly blew it with Byrd.
Never farm out a job
that you should do yourself.
Do you want a laugh?
He thought you were the mole.
He was going to kill you.
What an idiot.
"I'm not at all the person
you and I took me for."
Hm. Sounds like an epitaph.
Your handwriting, too.
You see, Chuck,
I save everything.
All of your lovely notes.
Mm.
[Labored breathing]
You know what?
I like Carlyle best, too.
I really do. Yeah.
Say hi to the boys
when you see 'em.
Ooh...
Oh...
To life. [Clink]
[Piano concerto continues]
[No audio]
BARRIS: My name
is Charles Hinsch Barris.
I have written pop songs.
I have been
a television producer.
I am responsible
for polluting the air waves...
with mind-numbing,
puerile entertainment.
In addition. I have murdered
JUSTICE OF THE PEACE:
We have come here today...
to join Penny Pacino
and Chuck Barris...
in holy matrimony.
You all know Chuck Barris...
creator of "The Dating Game."
"The Newlywed Game"...
"The Family Game"...
"The Game Game,"
"Dream Girl of 1968"...
"Operation Entertainment"...
"How's Your Mother-in-law,"
and many others.
Chuck Barris, who most recently
brought us such hits...
as "The Rah-Rah Show"...
"The $1.98 Beauty Show"...
"The Gong Show."
Oh, Chuck Barris...
who I'm sure
will be back soon...
with even more shows that
will stimulate and educate...
and keep us on the edge
of our seats.
[Bell tolls]
[Cheering]
MAN: Whoo.
Congratulations!
Hey...
Oh, thanks, thanks.
Thanks.
[Bell tolls]
[Tolling grows louder]
[No audio]
Danny, drive now!
[Wheels screech]
PENNY: Bye.
Penny, there's something
I gotta confess...
something I gotta tell ya.
Listen, Penny. You've known me
for a long time...
As the host of
"The Dating Game"...
"The Gong Show,"
"Rah-Rah Show"...
Yeah, yeah,
listen, listen, listen...
I work for the CIA.
You understand?
And I kill people.
I killed...
I killed a lot of people.
You understand?
I killed a lot of people.
Ha ha ha ha ha ha!
[Both laughing]
BARRIS: I came up with
a new game show idea recently.
It's called "The Old Game."
You got three old guys
with loaded guns on stage...
they look back
at their lives...
see who they were,
what they accomplished...
low close they came
to realizing their dreams.
The winner...
is the one who doesn't
blow his brains out.
He gets a refrigerator.
[Music intro]
# There's no business
like show business #
# Like no business I know #
# Everything about it
is appealing #
# Everything
the traffic will allow #
# Nowhere can you get
that happy feeling #
# When you are stealing
that extra bow #
# There's no people
like show people #
# They smile
when they are low #
# Even with a turkey
that you know will fold #
# You may be stranded
out in the cold #
# Still, You wouldn't
change it for a sack of gold #
# Let's go on with the show #
[Instrumentals]
# The costumes. The scenery,
the makeup. The props #
# The audience that lifts you
when you're down #
# The headache. The heartaches,
the backaches. The flops #
# The sheriff who escorts you
out of town #
# The opening when your heart
beats like a drum #
[Drumbeat]
# The closing when
the customers won't come #
# There's no business
like show business #
# Like no business I know #
# Traveling through
the country can be thrilling #
# Standing out in front
on opening nights #
# Smiling as you watch
the theater filling #
# And there's your billing #
# Out there in lights #
# There's no people
like show people #
# They smile
when they are low #
# Yesterday. They told you
you would not go far #
# That night you open,
and there you are #
# Next day. On your dressing
room. They've hung a star #
# Let's go on with the show #
# Let's go #
# On with the show #
[Somber piano music plays]
[Music ends]
I wouldn't want
to live his life...
'cause he hasn't been happy
all of his life.
All I think is, if you can
find work, stay healthy...
find somebody to share it with,
you're the ultimate success.
He's had some of the pieces
of the puzzle...
but not all of them.
BURGER: "I, Ronald Reagan,
do solemnly swear..."
REAGAN: I, Ronald Reagan,
do solemnly swear...
BURGER: "That I will faithfully
execute the office...
"of President of
the United States."
That I will faithfully
execute the office...
[Tone blares]
[Cartoon music playing]
BARRIS: When you're young,
your potential is infinite.
You might
do anything. Nearly.
You might be Einstein...
you might be DiMaggio.
Then you get to an age
when what you might be...
gives way
to what you have been.
You weren't Einstein.
You weren't anything.
That's a bad moment.
[Knock on door]
Chuck, it's Pen.
[Peephole opens]
CHUCK: Hey, Jesus.
How'd you find me?
You wrote me your last letter
on hotel stationery.
CHUCK: Oh. It's great
to see you, Pen.
You look... you look beautiful.
PENNY: This place is scary.
CHUCK: Yeah. The human psyche.
PENNY: I came to take you back
to California with me.
CHUCK: Uh, no...
PENNY: It's a lonely state
without you.
CHUCK: I'm home, Red.
I can't wait forever
for you to marry me.
Well, apparently, I can,
but I really don't want to.
CHUCK: Uh...
PENNY, CRYING:
I love you so much.
PENNY: You don't understand.
I don't even know why.
CHUCK: Oh, Penny...
Penny, Penny, Penny.
[Laughs]
[Sighs]
[Slow piano music playing]
[Chuck closes peephole]
CHUCK: Listen. I gotta go. OK?
I'm kind of busy right now. OK?
BARRIS: It was 1981...
and I had loved myself up
in this New York hotel...
the Phoenix Hotel...
terrified of everything,
ashamed of my life.
Until. Finally,
I realized my salvation...
might be in recording
my wasted life unflinchingly.
[Typing]
Maybe it would serve
as a cautionary tale...
and maybe it would help me
understand why.
When I was 11,
I had an experience...
with my sister's friend
Tuvia...
that left
an indelible impression.
- Hey.
- What?
- Tuvia.
- What?
You want to lick it?
[Scoffs]
No. Why should I?
Well, for one thing,
it tastes like strawberry.
My sister tells me
you love strawberries.
Yeah, well,
I hate strawberries.
CHUCK: No, I'm serious.
It tastes exactly like
a strawberry lollipop.
TUVIA: Look,
I know that's not true.
- Well, I bet you it does.
- I bet you it doesn't.
CHUCK: I'll bet you a dollar.
BARRIS: Tuvia... my first love.
[Typing]
Perhaps my whole life
turned at that point.
The repulsiveness
of my sex confirmed...
by the taste buds
of a rippening pubescent girl.
What are you doing?
Get off me!
And so I found myself...
in a downward spiral
of debauchery...
endlessly chasing pussy.
[Doo wop music playing]
[Loud kissing]
My only focus in life
to get laid. To get blown...
tying to fool myself
into believing...
that given
the right combination...
of circumstances
and deception...
maybe the Tuvias
of the world...
could desire me
the way I desired them.
[Thwack]
I only wanted to be loved.
[Moans softly]
CHUCK: No...
[Sobbing]
# Won't you tell me why #
# I love #
[Zips pants]
# That girly so #
[Kissing]
# She doesn't want me #
BARRIS: The constant
inarticulate rage...
led to bar fight
after bar fight.
[Faint laughter]
TV ANNOUNCER: New York
is a city of people...
the only state
in the union to stretch...
from the Atlantic Ocean
to the Great Lakes.
Directly across the avenue is...
you're right again.
BARRIS: I had learned
that television...
was an industry
with a futune...
so I packed up and moved
from Philly to Manhattan.
[NBC theme plays]
[NBC theme plays]
TOUR GUIDE: We began making
commercial broadcasts in 1941.
and in 1953...
NBC made the first ever
color telecast by a network...
during
"The Colgate Comedy Hour."
Now we'll have a look
at the studio...
where they produce
"The Today Show"...
which NBC began
broadcasting in 1952.
CHUCK: Excuse me, miss.
Do you know where I could apply
for an NBC page?
TOUR GUIDE: Such as
"The Perry Como Show"...
which you can tune into
on Saturdays at 7:30.
"The Nat King Cole Show"...
which you won't want to miss,
on Tuesdays at 8 P.M.
And hold on one second.
OK.
And my personal favorite...
"The Lux Show"
starring Rosemary Clooney...
CHUCK: Which you can enjoy
every Thursday at 10:00.
And of course,
"The Steve Allen Show"...
which delights us
every Sunday at 8:00.
You may also be interested
to know that Steve Allen...
actually got his start in
entertainment as an NBC page.
Ladies and gentlemen,
if you'll follow me...
MARY-ANN:
Raymond... in accounting?
He's kind of cute, huh?
WOMAN: Cute is all
well and good, Mary-Ann...
but what you want is a man
who's going places...
A go-getter on
the management fast track.
MARY-ANN:
What about Mr. Waters?
CHUCK: Yeah, management
training application, please.
How many people have applied
for this so far?
WOMAN: Let's see.
Including you? About 2,000.
- For how many positions?
- Five.
[Bell dings]
Thanks, ma'am.
BARRIS: Sometimes,
as a younger man...
I stretched the truth
to get what I wanted.
GEORGIA: Tell me again!
CHUCK: Head of
network sales at 30.
Head of
the entire network by 40!
I love you,
Mr. Chuck Barris...
management trainee.
[Both moaning]
BARRIS: Life was sweet...
CHUCK: Uhh.
For a minute.
WOMAN ON TV: Everything's
either madly exciting...
on madly interesting.
I lope Sally never
bothers herself with you.
[Turns on faucet]
I got fired today.
Fired?
Yeah, fired.
GEORGIA: Fined?
What the fuck
did you get fired for?
CHUCK: I don't know.
Efficiency cutbacks.
Some bullshit.
Look. It's gonna be fine.
I'm pregnant.
So, I figured,
I'm gonna skip town.
I intend to be important,
you know?
I can't be saddled with this.
Pbbt!
But then I remembered
something Carlyle said.
"Do the duty
which lies nearest thee."
So you see...
MAN: Who's Carlyle?
Dear God.
Why do I even bother?
Fuck you,
you condescending prick.
Pregnant?
Yeah, pregnant.
Fuck you.
What the fuck
did you get pregnant for?
Fuck you.
What do you mean, what the fuck
did I get pregnant for?
You got me fucking pregnant,
you fuck.
Well, fuck you.
Fuck you.
- Fuckin'...
- Fuck you.
Fuck.
Fuck you.
[Dramatic music playing
on television]
GEORGIA: Looks like
I was just late.
Oh, yes, we had a great time.
The crew loved him
and loved the show, you know?
Because it was crazy.
And we could do anything
we wanted to... sort of...
and, uh, yeah,
they liked him very much.
He was a good guy.
Even though he's a prick,
he's a good guy, too.
DICK CLARK: "What is
labeled a dream faculty.
"Wouldn't school be wonderful
if we had a faculty like this?"
You need it. All right?
GIRL: "Principal Sal Mineo.
Vice Principal Tony Perkins..."
CLARK: Couldn't you see
going to a school...
where Sal Mineo
is the principal?
BARRIS: In '61. I had become
a minor suit at ABC.
It was during
the music payola scandal...
so my job was to commute
to Philly every day...
to the "American Bandstand"
tapings...
to keep an eye on Dick Clark.
CLARK: One more lady's choice
of the afternoon to go...
and suppose we make it
this one. OK?
BARRIS: On weekends...
I used to hang around
amusement parks...
because that's where
the young girls were.
I wrote a song
about my experiences.
# When you stop at the top
of a Ferris wheel... #
I got it to
Freddy "Boom Boom" Cannon...
through my friendship
with Dick Clark.
Dick nearly wanted
to help me out.
CHUCK: Hi.
- What?
- Hi.
Oh.
I wrote this song.
Huh.
It's number three
on the pop charts. See?
- Uh-huh.
- Yeah.
I believe there's
a great future in television.
Uh-huh?
So I'm gonna take my royalties
and create a pilot.
A pilot's what they call
a test TV show.
I work in TV.
Yeah? What's your name?
I'm Chuck.
- Debbie.
- Debbie.
CHUCK: So, You live in Philly?
DEBBIE:
No, I live in Manhattan.
CHUCK:
It's gonna be a game show.
I believe there's
a great future in game shows.
DEBBIE: Oh. That's good.
CHUCK: Yeah. Everyone
loves game shows. Right?
DEBBIE: I don't know.
CHUCK: Well. They do.
DEBBIE:
Well. That's great. Then.
CHUCK: Ha ha ha.
I'm on my way.
[Sighs]
PENNY: Hello.
Hi.
[Breathes in]
CHUCK: Uh... don't be alarmed.
I'm here with Debbie.
Yeah, I figured that.
Hungry?
Um, no, thanks.
PENNY: Thirsty?
Sure, if you have a beer or...
How was sex with Debbie?
I always wanted to know.
It was good. Fine.
Thanks for asking.
No problem.
I just got fucked
by this drummer cat...
a real righteous Negro hipster.
Heh. Interesting.
I'm into
the brotherhood of man.
I fucked an Oriental last week.
- What are you?
- Jew.
I had one of those once,
but he was Sephardic.
[Mispronounces]
You look Ashke-nazi.
- Ashkenazi.
- Right, Ashke-nazi.
I haven't had one of those yet.
You're romantic.
Yeah. I just don't get
into all the bullshit...
between cats and chicks.
- I know what you mean.
- You know what I mean?
Besides, you just give
your heart to one cat...
and you get hurt.
Don't I know it?
PENNY:
We could ball if you want.
[Both laugh]
CHUCK: Whoa-ho-ho.
That would be good.
Yeah, but... ha ha ha!
I'm here with Debbie.
It doesn't seem right.
[Laughing]
That's true.
I didn't think of that.
Well, I'm going to bed.
It was nice meeting you.
Hey, what's your name?
I'm Penny.
I'm Chuck.
- Chuck Barris.
- Yeah.
Yeah, you wrote
that Palisades song.
- I really like that song.
- Oh, thanks.
Yeah, it's real sentimental
bullshit.
CHUCK: Oh, right.
["Palisades Park" playing]
# Last night
I took a walk after dark #
# A swingin' place
called Palisades Park #
# To have some fun
and see what I could see #
# That's where
the girls are #
# I took a hide
on the shoot-the-chute #
# That girl I sat beside
was awful cute #
# After it stopped,
she was holding hands with me #
# My heart was flyin' up #
# Like a rocket ship #
# Down. Like a roller coaster #
# Back. Like a loop-the-loop #
# And around,
like a merry-go-round #
# We ate and ate
at a lot dog stand #
# We danced around
to a rockin' band #
# And when I could.
I gave that girl a hug #
# In the Tunnel of Love #
# You'll never know
low great a kiss can feel #
# When you stop at the top
of a Ferris wheel #
# When I fell in love #
# Down at Palisades Park #
# Whoa-oh-oh-oh #
[People at park scream]
[Song fades out]
PENNY: Last night
in my dream...
PENNY: Last night
in my dream...
this ape and I are sitting
staring at each other...
and it was. Like,
across time and evolution.
And then he started talking...
but in a language
I didn't really understand.
[Laughs] Swiss, maybe.
And then he turned into
Perry Como... real square.
- What's wrong with you?
- Nothing.
PENNY: You know,
just because we fucked...
doesn't mean
there are strings now.
CHUCK: [Laughs] OK.
PENNY: I just wanted
to tell you about my dream.
Nothing more complicated
than that. Don't panic.
I'm just not used to
all this dating bullshit.
Now we're a couple.
Now I'm obliged to give
a shit what you say.
PENNY: Don't worry.
I'm not into those games.
So anyway. The monkey
turns into Penny Como...
and I say...
- Holy fuck.
- What?
CHUCK: Holy, holy fuck.
You just gave me an idea
for a show. Fuck.
PENNY: A show about monkeys?
CHUCK: No, about people.
About sex, about romance...
about the bullshit of dating.
I call it "The Dating Game"...
and that's what it's about,
Mr. Goldberg.
A pretty girl
asks three handsome guys...
who she can't see...
silly questions...
and based on their answers...
she picks one to date,
and we pay for the date.
That's it.
That's the show.
CHUCK: Aah, Aah, Aah.
Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.
- Hot damn!
- What, what, what?
- They bought it.
- Yeah.
CHUCK: They bought it!
They're giving me 7,500
fuckin' dollars to make a pilot!
PENNY: We gotta go celebrate!
Let's go roller skating!
CHUCK: I can't. I got a date.
PENNY: OK, cool.
Will you call me after?
- OK.
- OK. Bye. Mwah.
[Upbeat music playing]
[No audio]
BARRIS: I figured I was in.
All I had to do
was get the pilot made...
[Camera clicks]
and I'd be a millionaire.
Everyone would love me.
Was anyone even so young?
- No.
- No.
- No.
- No.
- No.
- All right. Lose it.
BARRIS: ABC didn't like
"The Dating Game."
They did like a show
called "Hootenanny."
Whoa, whoa, whoa.
I like this one.
CHUCK: Well, he led
an amazingly long life.
BARRIS: Hooter-fuckin'-nanny.
PENNY: What do they know?
That's long for a dog.
I don't know.
Probably about 70 to you and me.
[Sighs] Uh-huh.
It's nine years
to every one of ours.
[Thump]
PENNY: Ha ha ha!
[Bag rustles]
CHUCK: Yeah.
[Penny laughing]
Uh-huh.
I'm sorry about your show.
What?
How long has he been dead?
Jesus, Phoebe, that's...
Yeah. No, I'll hold on.
- Is that your mom?
- My sister.
Come here. Oh, yeah.
I got you these.
Listen, Pen, I'm not...
I want to tell you something.
I talked to a psychic today.
- A what?
- A psychic.
And she said that you are
gonna be very successful.
- Oh, really?
- Very successful.
- Tarot cards?
- Tea leaves.
Say that again, Phoebe.
I missed it.
Tuvia? No, why would I
have seen her?
- She did?
- Who's Tuvia?
- To Manhattan?
- Who's Tuvia?
Yeah.
CHUCK: Uh-huh.
Oh, your niece.
CHUCK: Divorced? Really?
I didn't know she got married.
Yes?
Hi, Tuvia.
Well, if it isn't
Strawberry Dick Barris.
- What do you want?
- Ha ha ha!
I'm back in town for a while,
and I thought maybe...
TUVIA: Jesus,
you gotta be kidding.
CHUCK: We could go out
and get an ice cream cone.
He's so convincing
when he's... Heh heh...
when he's talkin' with you...
he could convince you
of anything, you know?
He's one of
the very few guys...
I'd like to have on my side
in a street fight.
CHUCK: You wanna fight,
you big pile of shit?
[Thud]
[Grunting and shouting]
You're a pretty angry
young fella.
Can't fight worth a damn,
though.
CHUCK: Hey. Screw off. Queen.
Don't think I haven't seen you
watching me...
in that bar for a week now.
Kind of a loner, I'd say.
Fairly bright,
a tad antisocial.
Mad at the world.
Can I buy you lunch?
[Sighs] Look, there's
a schoolyard half a block down.
Why don't you go trollin' there?
JIM: I can teach you
at least 30 different ways...
to kill a man with
a single blow, Mr. Barris.
It might help
in future bar fights.
Just a thought.
Oh, and there's money in it...
good money.
CHUCK: I figure
if I can keep afloat...
until I come up with
the next game show idea...
then all would be copacetic.
That sounds great, Chuck.
I've never known
a television producer before.
I'm impressed.
[Chuckles] Yeah. OK.
What's this money and a deal
you were talking about?
JIM: I work
for a government agency.
We're always looking for good,
enthusiastic men...
to help us carry out
our directives.
What kind of work?
What government agency?
Problem-solving work.
The Office
of Diplomatic Security.
[Laughs] Office of what?
I never heard of it.
Is that the fuckin' CIA
or something?
Ha ha ha ha ha!
JIM: Please be discreet,
Mr. Barris.
[Whispers] Jesus.
Is this the fuckin' CIA?
Yeah. Hell, I'll be a spy.
Where do I sign up?
Are you fuckin' with me?
You're fuckin' with me,
aren't you?
JIM: Hardly.
And you wouldn't be working
for the company.
You'd be an independent
contract agent.
Independent.
No official tie to any agency.
Understand?
Why me?
Well, as you know,
I've been watching you.
For quite some time, actually.
I've only let you know about it
for the last week.
I'm happy to report
you fit our profile, Mr. Barris.
Are you interested in the work?
What's the profile?
JIM: Are you interested
in the work, Mr. Barris?
Yeah, sure.
I wanna be a secret agent.
A contract agent, whatever.
Get to fuck beautiful
Eastern European women...
What we do is very serious,
Mr. Barris.
It's essential in quelling
the rise of comunism...
and allowing democracy
to get its rightful foothold...
around the globe.
You understand?
Uh... sure.
Yeah, uh...
Yeah, OK. That's good.
[Clears throat]
INSTRUCTOR: There are
several efficient methods...
for killing a man...
were you to find yourself
without a weapon.
The edge of your hand...
against your adversary's
Adam's apple.
This will crush his windpipe...
causing strangulation...
and death.
Hyuhh!
[Man gagging]
Shit!
I need another volunteer.
[Man gasping]
You're training me
to be a killer.
See, Chuck?
I knew you were fairly bright.
I'm not killin' people.
My future's in television.
You're 32 years old,
and you've achieved nothing.
Jesus Christ was dead
and alive again by 33.
You better get crackin'.
- I have ideas for shows.
- Good.
Why don't you spend another
six months developing them...
while you're staring
out the window...
waiting for
Larry Goldberg to call?
How do you know all this?
I know everything
about you, Chuck.
I know which hand
you jerk off with.
Left. Leave in the morning,
if you want.
I'm here to tell you, this is
honest work for good pay.
You're making
the world safer...
and your country
will be grateful.
It'll toughen you up.
CHUCK: Wait a second!
Hey, we gotta talk about this.
BARRIS: And there it was...
my defining moment.
I wasn't just gonna work
for the CIA.
I was gonna kill for them.
Call it patriotism.
[Gunfire]
[Dramatic music playing]
Glycerin is, of course...
the best known nitrating agent.
Keep in mind, though,
that nitro... ghycerine...
is extremely unstable.
A slight tap...
a one-degree change
in temperature...
and it'll blow up
in your hands.
So, let's mix us up a batch!
Everybody take
your 75-milliliter beaker...
and fill it up
to the 13-milliliter level...
with red-hot
fumin' nitric acid...
The field phone...
used as an instrument
of interrogation...
or torture.
[Electricity crackles]
Attaching firmly
to the genitalia.
[Fizzing and popping]
Hey, Ivan!
Are you now,
or have you ever been...
a member
of the Communist Party?
What's your Aunt Tillie's
recipe for vodka cookies?
[Laughs]
All right, Jack.
Take care, Lee.
[Starts engine]
I know a lot about him
that you are not gonna know.
I can't tell you.
Yeah.
I know some things about him
that are very distressing...
and, um...
and you wouldn't want
to know them about him.
[Music playing]
CHUCK: So. What did
this guy Renda do. Anyway?
It's your job
to follow directives...
not question their validity.
CHUCK: Uh... oh.
Por favor. Un, Seor...
No hablo ingls.
Ra-blah-blah
los bloteros?
[Speaks Spanish]
Ra-blah-blah
la minjares?
Hermano, help me, please.
- Seor. No habla ingls.
- No. No. No. No.
BENITEZ:
Can I be of some assistance?
JIM: He's a bad guy.
He's one of the bad guys.
Bad for the U.S., right, Jim?
Not bad in an absolute sense,
just bad for the U.S.
Don't fuckin' dance with me.
Renda's bad for
the Tea and Biscuit Company.
He's bad for me personally.
You work for me.
Renda's bad for me.
You're now officially
a patriotic citizen...
of the United States
of Jim Byrd.
There's no backing out now.
We've let you in on everything.
You don't play,
you don't leave.
Understand that?
You don't play, you don't leave.
JIM: I like you. I do.
And you're gonna do fine
tomorrow...
and we're gonna become
good friends.
You can have
a nice little career...
but you have to grow up.
There's a war on.
[Starts engine]
[Insects buzzing]
["Star Spangled Banner" playing]
JIM: Beautiful country,
isn't it?
CHUCK: Yeah.
You did us proud today, Chuck.
Renda was a bad guy.
He really was.
[Chuck vomiting]
Chuck, is that you?
Chuck, is that you?
Jesus Christ, Pen!
You scared the shit out of me.
- Were you throwing up?
- What are you doing here?
I've been crashing here
for a while.
I've been waiting for you.
Where you've been?
Mexico. I was just
on a little vacation.
You didn't drink the water,
did you?
- Yeah.
- You're not supposed to.
That's Montessori's revenge.
- Montezuma's.
- Right.
You can't even open your eyes
or your mouth...
when you take a shower there.
Why is our water so good,
and their water is poisoned?
- It's in the same ocean.
- I don't know.
- Oh!
- Huh.
Um... I'm a hippie now.
[Both laugh]
Wow. Great.
I've been to San Francisco,
and it's amazing there.
[Snaps fingers]
Everybody loves everybody...
and there's so many colors.
And we're gonna change
the world.
[Snaps fingers]
Will you come back there
and be my old man with me?
Ha ha! Well, not that old.
Penny, I'm a little
tired now, so maybe...
Oh, wait, wait.
I got to play you this song.
["Sunshine Superman" playing]
DONOVAN:
# Sunshine came softly #
# Through my window today... #
CHUCK: Penny,
what did you do to my wall?
Some guy called... Gold bird.
Gold bird. Larry Goldberg?
You're kidding me!
Hi. This is Chuck Barris
returning for Larry Goldberg.
- Hi, Chuck.
- Mr. Goldberg.
I'm so sorry I didn't
get back to you right away.
I was out of town.
I was on vacation in Mexico.
Good for you.
Listen, I'm sitting here
and going through things...
and I have a hole
in my daytime schedule.
I think it might be right
for you and your baby.
My baby, Mr. Goldberg?
Chuck, "Dating Game."
Isn't that your baby?
- Yes, sir, it is.
- You're still interested?
Yes, sir.
Very interested, sir.
I've got six weeks
to get this on the air.
Is that doable
for you and your people?
My people? Six weeks?
Sure, yeah.
Give me a call when
you get to L.A., Chuck.
Oh, goddamn.
Hot dog.
Fucking shit. Piss.
PENNY: Who's Larry Goldberg?
[Stomach gurgles]
[Applause]
Bachelor number one...
what would
I like most about you?
I'm very romantic...
and I'd send you
flowers every day.
BACHELORETTE:
Aw. That's so sweet.
Bachelor number three. What
would I like most about you?
My big cock.
[Laughter]
[Light applause]
[Laughs]
BACHELORETTE:
Bachelor number one...
what nationality are you?
BACHELOR NUMBER ONE:
Um... my daddy is Welsh...
my mama's Hunganian...
so I guess
that makes me well-hung.
[Laughter]
Bachelor number two...
I play the trombone.
If I blew you,
what would you sound like?
BACHELOR NUMBER TWO:
What would I sound like?
[Laughs]
All right. Ooh.
Ooh. Ooh. Ooh. Ooh.
Ooh. Ooh.
Ooh. Ooh. Ooh.
Ooh.
That's nice. Don't stop. Oh.
[Imitates trombone]
Blow it. Baby.
[Imitates trombone
playing shakily]
[Shoes squeak]
CHUCK: Heh heh.
Chuck, quite frankly,
these episodes are unaidable.
CHUCK: Look, Larry,
the show's spontaneous.
It's unscripted.
That's its charm.
I can't help what people say.
HANK: Be that as it may,
we can't have black men...
getting blow jobs
on national television!
The point is not
that he's black, Hank.
HANK: Well, I know that.
GOLDBERG: Chuck. That's it.
We can't air this stuff.
If you can't retain
your spontaneity on the show...
without this lewd conduct,
it's over.
It's finished.
You're history.
Now, fix this fucking thing,
or we got a problem.
Hi, folks.
Before we begin taping today...
I'd like to introduce you
to Mr. Peter Jenks...
of the Federal
Communications Commission.
OK?
Thank you, Mr. Barris.
I don't know if any of you
are aware of this...
but it's a federal offense...
to make lascivious remarks...
on a television
network broadcast.
The penalty...
for this disgusting...
un-American... behavior...
is one year in prison...
or a $10,000 fine...
or both!
Anyone...
making a sick subversive
remark tonight...
will be arrested immediately.
l, then,
will personally escort...
the offender
to federal prison...
for booking
under edict number 364...
of the Broadcasting Act
of 1963.
And it's a long drive
to that prison, baby.
Just you and me.
No witnesses:
CHUCK:
OK. Have fun. Everybody.
All right.
They gave everybody jackets
with their names on them...
and when we got number one
ratings on Saturday nights...
everybody got a gold plaque.
And so, he was a good boss...
and obviously
had the common touch...
because he really knew
what people wanted to watch.
BARRIS: We aired
and became a big hit.
A phenomenon. Nearly.
CHUCK: Hey, baby.
[Sighs]
I got a story to tell you.
- Asshole.
- I know, I know.
Uhh. I got
a little story for you.
LORETTA: I'm busy.
We're in the middle...
of a bachelorette crisis
out there.
CHUCK: Sit down, relax.
Take a load off.
Make yourself at home.
I just got a call
from the network.
- You want a drink?
- You got any weed?
CHUCK: I wish. No. No weed.
Then I'll have a drink.
[Chuck sighs]
LORETTA: Bad news?
"The Tammy Grimes Show" is being
pulled from Saturday night.
- Oh, not Tammy.
- Ha ha ha ha.
They want me to put
a primetime version...
of "The Dating Game"
on in its place.
- That's fucking great.
- Yeah, it's great...
but they say the daytime version
is not hot enough.
They want me to make it
more exciting for nighttime.
I got 48 hours.
LORETTA: What have you got?
[Sighs]
I don't have a clue.
I got nothing. Bupkus.
This is a big deal, Loretta.
My big break.
I know. [Exhales]
- Don't blow it.
- Oh, thanks for the help.
[Sighs]
[Slow jazz music playing]
JIM: Let me
ask you something, Chuck.
Jesus. What the...
What are you doing here?
JIM:
I've been put in clange...
of a fairly large
wet operation...
and I could use your help.
[Scoffs]
Have you noticed, Jim?
I got a TV show on the air.
I don't need to kill people
for hire anymore.
I know you don't need to,
but you like to.
Bullshit.
Think of it as a hobby...
something you do to relax.
You can be
an assassination enthusiast...
a murder bug.
I got important things
to think about here.
I don't have time
to fuck around with you.
This is serious work
we're talking about, Chuck...
serious work.
How about I help you out
with your little show...
you help me out
with my little operation?
Tit for tat.
That's the kind of guy I am.
Oh, yeah.
You're a piece of work.
I've seen this "Dating Game"
of yours, Chuck...
and I do have a thought.
What, now you're
a big television producer?
JIM: I'm John Q. Public
when it comes to TV...
and that should make my opinion
of value to you.
CHUCK: All right,
let's hear it, then.
JIM: What do you have?
Some couple gets sent...
to some second-rate
shit-can restaurant...
setting you back 50 bucks?
That's not
too exciting a prize...
for us vicarious living boobs
out in TV land.
- What's your point?
- Up the stakes, Chuck.
Send them
to some exotic locale...
Europe, Southeast Asia,
for example.
The network's not going
to let me send...
two unmarried kids
on vacation together.
JIM: Send them with a chaperone.
CHUCK: That's...
That's not half bad.
JIM: I'm telling you.
Sometimes you could be
the chaperone.
Say we have a job
for you in Austria.
You, a successful
television producer...
chaperones a young couple.
While there, you take care
of some company business.
It's a perfect cover.
TV producer by day,
CIA operative at night.
I got money, Jim.
I don't have to kill people
for money anymore.
Chuck, when I said
you fit the profile...
very little of that meant
you needed the money.
You liked it with Renda.
I saw it in your eyes.
You liked it,
but you botched it.
You could be
a great warrior, Chuck.
BACHELORETTE:
Bachelor number three...
if we were fixed up
on a date...
and I ignored you...
DIRECTOR: This guy's
never been on a date.
[Snaps fingers]
Ready, four. Take four.
Well, I'm not used
to being ignored...
but I would...
I'd give you your space.
The only date this guy's
had is with his right hand.
[Both laugh]
Ready, one. Take one.
[Audience laughing]
Bachelor number three,
what if I pick you...
DIRECTOR:
God. She's going for the three.
Ready. Four. Take four.
[Snaps fingers]
The only way
that you could be ughy...
is by what you say or do.
I don't know.
From where I'm sitting...
I think you're beautiful.
DIRECTOR: I can't believe it.
BACHELORETTE:
Bachelor number three...
can you please tell me
what a girl is like...
who las never been
on a date before...
and low you can tell?
Well... I'll ask her
what she likes to do...
and if she doesn't know what
she likes to do...
then I'll know
she hasn't done it yet.
[Applause]
[Game show music playing]
BACHELOR NUMBER THREE:
Why don't you talk to her?
You can do that.
She's really shy.
You have to tell her.
That's your job.
Tell her that I think
she's real pretty...
and I want
to be her boyfriend.
I'm shy, too.
You got to tell her that, Chuck.
I used to skate
when I was young.
I told her that.
She didn't even look at me.
You got to talk to her, Chuck.
It's your job.
She picked me,
not those other guys.
You're the chaperone, Chuck.
She called me gay.
I'm not gay.
You got to tell her that.
You're not doing your job
very well.
I mean,
I know it takes time...
for people to get
to know each other...
but this is ridiculous.
They thought he was...
They sort of walked
a straight line...
because they used to talk
about him...
saying, you know,
"This guy, he can turn on you."
You know,
and I never saw that side...
but a lot of the crew thought
he could turn on them.
Chuck?
[Slow jazz music playing]
JIM: Helsinki is wonderful
this time of year.
Especially the snow.
It affords one solitude...
even in a city full of people.
Excuse me.
Is this seat taken?
By you.
[Sighs]
Helsinki is wonderful
this time of year, isn't it?
Yes, it is.
Oh, I'm sorry. Um...
Excuse me.
Helsinki is wonderful
this time of year, isn't it?
Especially the snow.
It affords one solitude...
even in a city full of people.
Hey...
I'm Chuck. Ahem.
So I gathered.
CHUCK: And you are?
Here you are, Chuck.
At least give me
a made-up name...
something for me to cry out...
during those dark nights
of the soul.
Cry out, "Olivia."
That's "Twelfth Night."
Very good, Chuck.
I'm pleasantly surprised.
You're not like
the other murderers.
[Dramatic music playing]
MAN: Here.
CHUCK: Do you have it?
- Do you have it?
- Oh, sorry.
CHUCK: Don't worry.
We're not going to cheat you.
MAN: Year. Just the same.
- Unh!
- Sorry about your teeth.
[Fires with silencer]
[Body falls]
[Fires with silencer]
Chuck?
Chuck?
[Music fades]
[Exhaling, whistling]
[Hums]
[Beethoven's
"Moonlight Sonata" playing]
CHUCK: Olivia?
It's Patricia, actually.
PATRICIA: So. Then I spent
a year in Operation Chaos...
inside the anti-war movement...
nudging it towards violence
to discredit it.
That was fun.
CHUCK: It sounds fun.
So, tell me, Patricia,
why did you come here tonight?
Ahem.
I don't know.
You're kind of cute
in a homely sort of way, and...
It's lonely when
the civilian you're fucking...
calls out the name
on your fake passport.
CHUCK: All the information
I have about myself...
is from forged documents.
Nabokov.
[Glass shatters]
[Objects clatter]
Wait, wait.
I got to go into the bathroom
and take care of something.
Leave the microfilm in, baby.
[Upbeat music playing]
# Hoo! #
# Hull! #
Chuck.
# Hey! #
Do you know when my episode
is going to air?
OK. See you, Chuck. Bye.
JIM: Chuck,
this is Simon Oliver.
Everything go OK?
You don't look too good.
Mr. Barris, do not ever again
jeopardize one of my missions...
by having a game show contestant
standing around as a witness.
- Is that understood?
- You're welcome, pal.
Do I make myself clear?
Fuck you.
They're my contestants.
You are a bloody amateur.
- You're a faggot.
- Chuck.
OLIVER: Tell me, Mr. Barris.
Are you in possession
of my microfilm?
- Yeah, I got it.
- Let's have it, then.
It's up my ass, Oliver.
Why don't you get it?
What is this shit?
I deserve a little appreciation
for my efforts here, Jim.
SIMON: What do you think
Patricia Watson was?
Prick.
EUBANKS: Really? OK.
He said he dated none of them.
That's right.
[Applause]
- Sandra?
- Um. Six of them.
LORETTA: Well,
if it isn't the hit man.
- What?
- The hit man.
ALL: Surprise!
[Cheering]
ABC's going to pick up
"The Newlywed Game"!
Daytime and primetime!
You're kidding me!
Oh, my God!
That's sensational.
You mean it? Fantastic!
Whoo:
EUBANKS: OK. Here's the last
of our five-point questions.
Girls. Tell me where,
specifically...
is the weirdest place
that you personally, Girls...
have even gotten the urge
to make whoopee.
The weirdest place, Olga?
OLGA: Um...
[Audience laughs]
EUBANKS: Yes, Olga?
In the ass?
[Audience laughs]
No, no, no. No, the...
HUSBAND: It's still there.
EUBANKS: No. No.
What I'm talking about...
is the weirdest location,
the weirdest place. Yeah.
OLGA: I don't know.
[Audience laughing]
Oh!
EUBANKS: Olga...
Olga. The word is
the location on place.
You know what I mean?
ESQUIVEL:
# Mucha muchacha #
# Mucha muchacha #
# Mucha muchacha #
# Mucha muchacha #
# Mucha muchacha #
# Mucha muchacha #
# Mucha muchacha #
# Ba ba ba ba baile #
# Ba #
# Al #
# Al #
# Ba ba ba ba ba-ba-ba #
# Ra pa pa
na pa ba na pa #
# Ra pa pa na pa ba na pa #
# Ra pa pa
na pa ba na pa #
# Ra pa na pa ba na pa #
# Ra pa pa na pa ba na pa #
# Ra pa pa na pa ba na pa #
[Music fades]
BARRIS: I liked Penny.
I even loved her. In my way.
But the idea
of tying myself down...
for the rest of my life...
I remember
my parents' marriage.
We need a new icebox.
[Radio playing faintly]
["The Newlywed Game"
theme plays]
[Applause]
AUDIENCE: Ooh...
BARRIS: "The Newlywed Game"...
was based on my theory
that almost any Amenican...
would sell out their spouse
for a washer. Dryer...
on a lawn mower
you can hide on.
Such was my respect
for that most holy of unions.
- "Interpret."
- Interpret.
Oh. Do you have
an extra "R" I can borrow?
I'm not going
to give you a letter.
You're lucky I don't make you
forfeit a turn.
Oh, OK.
You look cute today, Pen.
I always look cute.
Don't distract me.
[Blows]
What was I going to say?
I don't know.
What were you going to say?
[Music playing faintly]
I think
we should get married...
because we've known
each other forever...
and we've fucked
each other forever.
And you think I'm cute,
you just said.
And you always come to me
when you're in trouble...
and I'm nothing
like your mother...
What does that mean?
What is that?
I'm just kidding.
Don't ask me
to marry you again, OK?
# I don't use a knife #
# Don't need a gun #
BARRIS: I couldn't breathe.
I was drowning.
And what the fuck did my mother
have to do with it?
So I made a call.
[Water running]
[Turns off water]
[Door opens, closes]
JIM: Over here,
strawberry dick.
[Enters stall]
CHUCK: How do you know
those things?
JIM: We know what she actually
thought it tasted like.
CHUCK: Really?
I could never find that out.
JIM: That's on
a need-to-know basis.
What can I do for you?
CHUCK:
I really need something, Jim.
I need something for my head.
JIM: I got something
for your head.
LANGE: And you're going
on your date...
to fabulous
West Berlin, Germany.
["The Dating Game" theme plays]
[Applause]
[Music fades]
[Accordion music playing]
The name's Hans Colbert.
Other side of the wall.
We don't like him very much.
You'll be working with
a kraut named Keeler.
He's been tailing Colbert
for a month.
Knows the routine.
Keeler's a drunk...
so stay sober and take charge.
It's done and done.
[Dramatic music playing]
Kill for me, baby.
[Rumbling]
[Electricity crackles]
[Coughs]
[Click]
[Keeler writing]
[Writing]
What are you writing, Sieg?
Just keeping track of anything
that happens in the...
[Speaking German]
Ah.
[Continues writing]
[Accordion music playing]
MAN: Ha.
CHUCK: That's him.
Too many people.
[Laughing]
[Music stops]
[Keeler whistles faintly]
Chuck. Chuck.
- All right.
- Take the camera.
What is this?
Aah!
What the...
[Muffled yells]
- Take a picture.
- Take a what?
Take a picture.
Picture. Come on.
Take a picture.
Danke schon.
He would disappear for
a week or so at a time...
and his secretary would
just say he's out of town.
We didn't know
where he went, so...
I don't know
whether it's true or not.
I... I couldn't say.
BARRIS: The only reason
the KGB didn't kill me...
was they needed me...
to trade for one of
their Russian agents.
I promised myself
if I got out of this...
I'd live my life differently.
I'd throw myself into work,
into life.
Penny. I needed to see
Penny again.
And tell Byrd I'm out...
for good.
If I could just make it past
this one last man...
this one... last...
I don't know what was worse...
that I was duped by
that fat fucking bachelor...
on that it took seven of us
to replace him.
[Goat bleating]
You're still in one piece?
CHUCK:
Where the fuck you been?
Did you have a nice flight?
Fuck you. Where you been?
I got one contact, Jim...
and it's you, and if you
disappear, I got no one.
You understand?
[Loud music]
# I tip my lat
to the new constitution #
# Take a bow
for a new revolution #
# Smile and grin at the change
all around me #
# Pick up my guitar
and play #
# Just like yesterday #
# Then I get on my knees
and pray #
# We don't get fooled
again #
# No. No #
# If I had a hammer #
# I'd a-hammer in the morning #
# I'd a-hammer
in the evening #
- She's good, huh?
- She's very good. Very good.
That's great.
That's fine.
Thank you so much.
But I can sing the whole song.
That was wonderful. Great.
That was enough.
That was fine.
All right.
Bring in the next thing.
Christ, there's gotta be
somebody in America...
with some talent. Hi!
FEMALE EXECUTIVE: Now,
I saw her in a little club.
You're gonna love her.
[Playing guitar]
[Singing atonally]
# If I had a hammer #
# I'd hammer
in the morning #
# I'd hammer in the evening #
# All over this land #
# I'd hammer out danger #
# I'd hammer out a warning #
# I'd hammer out
love between #
# My brothers
and my sisters #
# All over this land #
[Gunshot]
[Bell tolls]
# All over this land #
[Gong clangs]
# If I were a... #
- Oh, no, thank you.
- That's great. Fantastic!
That was great.
We'll be in touch.
Thank you. Thank you.
We've been going
about this all wrong.
Rather than killing ourselves
trying to find good acts...
we just put bad ones
and kill them!
Chuck, honestly, this...
and I know you like them...
this is torture.
No, no, no. We kill 'em
before they're through.
As soon as
it gets unbearable...
we kill 'em... dead!
["The Gong Show" theme plays]
Ladies and gentlemen,
this act...
Ah. Oh, this is so good!
I love this, man.
This next act answers
the age-old question!
If you wear a cellophane...
if you...
Whish: OK.
[Audience laughs]
If you wear... ha ha...
a cellophane suit...
can people
clearly see you're nuts?
I don't know.
A little humor, folks.
All the way from Pacoima...
Mick Donnelly!
[Cheers and applause]
[Music plays]
[Off-key] # Raindrops
keep falling on my head #
# Just like the guy #
# Whose feet
are too big for his bed #
# Nothin' seems to fit
those #
# Raindrops are fallin'
on my head #
# They keep fallin' #
# So I just did me
some talkin' to the sun #
# And I said I didn't like #
# The way he got things done #
# Sleepin' on the job,
those... #
BARRIS: Who could have known
there were so many Amenicans...
just waiting for
the opportunity to get on TV...
and make an ass
out of themselves?
# Raindrops keep fallin'
on my head #
# But that doesn't
mean my eyes #
# Will soon be turnin' red #
[Audience booing]
# Cryin's not for me, 'cause #
# I'm never gonna stop
the rain by complainin' #
# Because I'm... #
[Gong]
We'll be back
with more stuff...
right after this message.
You know what the sad part
about it is...
Barris has a reputation...
for lowering
the bar of television...
and the standards and all...
but he had a great feel
for what people wanted...
and he couldn't take
the criticism.
BARRIS: Things started
to evolve pretty quickly.
The show was
gaining momentum...
and I was becoming the one
thing I didn't expect...
famous.
- You're Chuck Barris, right?
- Yeah.
"The Gong Show."
I love that show.
Thanks.
WOMAN: Hi.
Hi.
I thought that was you.
Yeah... it's me.
[Woman laughs]
Well, I'm glad to meet you.
I've seen "The Gong Show."
Oh. Yeah, well...
I think you're the most
insidious, despicable force...
in entertainment today.
How dare you subject
the rest of the world...
to your loathsome views
of humanity?
Yeah... I don't think
it's that loathsome.
What is it, then?
To mock some
poor lonely people...
who are just craving a little
attention in their lives...
to destroy them?
I mean, they're still people.
They still deserve a little
respect and compassion.
Who the hell are you...
and what the fuck
have you ever done...
to elevate yourself
among the pathetic masses?
Oh, that's right.
You created "The Dating Game."
Wow.
That's right up there
with the Sistine Chapel.
[Drink spills]
Ladies and gentlemen...
it wouldn't surprise me
to see this next act...
[Upbeat music begins]
MAN: Whoo.
That means...
it's Gene Gene,
the Dancing Machine...
and just in time!
[Gene's dancing music plays]
FEMALE CRITIC:
He represents more...
than just the decline
of quality television.
In my opinion. Chuck Barris
will do more harm...
to our society
than people seem to realize.
LORETTA:
Line one's for you. Chuck.
- Who is it?
- Some guy.
He says he's a friend
of yours from Berlin.
Hello.
Very gutsy, my neighbor.
I guess you heard about Oliver.
Someone changed sides.
[Car door opens,
street noises]
What was so urgent?
[Car door closes]
[Street noises]
KEELER: I was wondering,
you wanna grab a bite?
I'm in town for a day.
BARRIS: Now,
assassins don't fraternize.
That Keeler was calling me...
could mean it was
my turn to get lit.
I would take him somewhere
where I knew I would be safe.
How's show biz?
Well, it's hit and miss.
I got a new show called
"Operation Entertainment"...
which I believe
is really, really gonna kill.
It's sort of a Bob Hope
visiting the troops thing...
but it's weekly.
Instead of Bob Hope,
it's like Flip Wilson...
Chuck. Tch.
Why do you do what you do?
Hm?
I like to think that
I bring joy and laughter...
to millions of people.
It's a very important thing,
I think...
in these difficult times.
I'm not saying the show is
as good as it can be yet...
but, uh...
KEELER: No. No.
Why do we do what we do?
Hm? [Laughs] Come on.
I got my feet wet
in World War II.
Germany.
The pleasure of killing
was exhilarating.
Later in life, I...
couldn't find a place
to fill that void...
to get that
same rush of energy.
So I started up
my own business.
MAN: Gentlemen.
are you ready to order?
I'll have a green salad,
no dressing.
And for you, sir?
Can I get a steak? Rare.
Thank you.
Let me read you something.
"Whatsoever your hand
finds to do...
"do it ghadly...
"because there is no work,
love, knowhedge...
"or wisdom in the grave."
Who is that, Carlyle?
No, it's the Old Testament.
It's God.
It's amazing
you should quote him.
He's my hero.
[Both laugh]
Killing my first man...
was like making love
to my first woman.
I remember
every little detail...
the smell of his lain...
ice on the window...
wallpaper.
It's like entering
a different time zone.
You're becoming an outsiden...
isolating yourself.
You're condemned.
CHUCK: Condemned?
KEELER: You have become...
their sadness. And...
live in a different
state of mind.
Ladies and gentlemen...
the lost of "The Gong Show"...
[Chuckles]
Chuck Barris.
It's good to see you, Sieg.
KEELER:
Yeah. It'll be all right.
It'll be all right.
WOMAN: # Happy birthday #
KEELER: I think.
# To you #
# Happy birthday #
# Dean Chuckie #
# Happy birthday #
# To you #
Is that right?
Yeah. That's real good.
That's real good.
So what's wrong, Chuck?
Are you OK?
So what's wrong, Chuck?
Are you OK?
Yeah, I'm OK.
A guy I know
killed himself last night.
A guy I know killed himself.
- Who was he?
- You don't know him.
He's a stagehand.
Why did he do it?
He didn't like
his work anymore.
- Thanks.
- Thanks.
Is being a stagehand
really. Really bad?
Yeah, it's pretty bad.
Hello?
You were supposed to meet me
at the Palm two hours ago.
- Oh, fuck, I forgot.
- You forgot. Really?
- Keeler's dead. Did you know?
- Yeah, I heard.
- What did you hear?
- I heard he took himself out.
Is that right?
Did Byrd tell you that?
He said he was depressed.
I was gonna tell you, but... Hey!
Who is this?
I don't get stood up.
Do you understand?
Fun: Excuse me.
[Both laugh]
So ghad... Penny. Patricia.
How'd you find me?
Are you serious?
This is what I do for a living.
What does she mean?
You're dead in my book,
strawberry dick.
- Strawberry dick?
- I'll see you around.
Nice to meet you, Penny.
I've heard a lot about you.
Why don't you stay
for a cocktail?
Penny...
And... and... you know, man...
I'm giving you
one more chance. Get it?
[Sighs] Fuck.
[Audience applauds]
MAN: Thank you,
ladies and gentlemen.
[Plays intro to
"Fools Rush In"]
[Off-key] # Wise men say #
# Only fools #
# Rush in #
# But I can't help #
# Falling in love #
# With you #
# Take my land #
# Take my whole life #
# Too #
# For I can't help #
# Falling in love #
# With you #
# For I can't help #
# Falling in love #
# With #
# You #
[Weak applause]
Thank you,
ladies and gentlemen.
LORETTA. OVER INTERCOM:
Line one for you. Chuck.
Thanks.
Yeah?
JIM: Keeler didn't
kill himself.
He was murdered.
Watch your back.
[Hangs up]
You can come in now.
Mr. Flexner.
Chuck:
[Chuck hangs up phone]
- Great to see ya.
- What's up, Rod?
[Chuckles]
Well... Chuck, may I sit?
Hey, how's that redhead?
She's good, you know.
Keeps...
Well, Chuck, the thing is,
we have to talk.
What's up, Rod?
Well, the thing is...
some of your old shows
aren't doing so well...
in the old ratings wan.
Ha ha ha!
So... I've been put
in the unfortunate position...
of laving to inform you...
that the network
is canceling these shows.
Now, don't shoot me, Chuck.
I'm just the messenger.
Psshh.
Aargh. [Chuckles]
[Sighs]
This really is the hardest part
of the job for me.
CHUCK:
They killed my babies...
just like that.
I pushed them into the world...
through the birth canal
of my imagination...
Iovinghy... tenderly.
Where's the humanity
of these people? Huh?
- Fuck 'em.
- Fuck 'em.
They're fucking bastards anyway.
Yeah. What am I gonna do now?
WOMAN: Oh, baby.
Oh, yeah. Feels so good.
[Woman moans softly]
Chuck?
PENNY: Chuck?
Fuck. Fuck.
Penny, fuck.
I came here to tell you
I sold a painting.
That's great.
What's she doing here?
CHUCK: She's. Uh...
PENNY: This is our house.
It's one thing to go elsewhere
for your pussy needs.
But this is our house.
It's my house, Pen.
It's our house.
I found it with you.
I decorated it with you.
I spent six fucking months...
waiting for the fucking plumber
to fucking come.
CHUCK: I'm sorry.
You're such an asshole.
[Starts engine]
No, I'm not saying that.
That's not what I'm saying.
PENNY: Then what
are you saying, Chuck?
[Sniffles]
[Crying] Do you want me
around or not?
Do you even like me?
Of course I like you.
Penny...
- How much?
- What?
I need to know
how much you like me.
I don't know what that means.
How much? How can I rate
a person in that way?
You could if you felt it.
If you felt it,
it would be easy.
You would just...
[Exhales]
spread your arms
as wide as they would go...
and say, "This much, Penny."
[Whispering] Everything...
Everything's complicated, Pen.
You know, nothing's
black and white like that.
Do you want me around or not?
Because if you don't, it's OK.
Just tell me.
Hey, hey...
I love you, Penny, in my way.
Maybe not in that crazy
head-over-heels thing...
but what is that anyway?
Romantic love...
isn't that just an illusion?
You just said
you loved me, right?
[Sniffles]
[Music fades in]
# Just like yesterday #
# And I'll get on my knees
and pray #
# We don't... #
[Turns off music]
JIM: Hi, Chuck.
Hey, Jim, what do you want?
- How's work?
- Great.
Any new game show ideas?
Dozens. Why are you here, Jim?
We need you to find the mole
and take him out.
Yeah.
[Laughs]
Yeah...
I'm done killing people.
I just want
to entertain people.
I'm out.
No, you're not.
Hey, I got an idea.
If you want him so bad...
why don't you do it?
Why don't you kill the mole?
Any problem with killing, Jim?
I just don't fit the profile.
What fucking profile?
There is no fucking profile.
OK. There's no profile.
- There's no profile.
- OK.
You had a twin sister,
stillborn...
strangled
by your umbilical cord.
Your first hit.
Your mother always
wanted a daughter.
She blamed you
for your sister's death...
so until your sister
Phoebe was born...
she raised you as a girl.
What else?
Your father, the dentist.
Not really your father.
Your real father was a man
named Edmond James Windsor.
Among other things,
he was a serial killen...
a fact
your mother didn't know...
when she had an affair
with him in 1928.
- That's ridiculous.
- Is it?
That's insane.
Windsor died in
the electric chain in 1939.
I'm trying to think of
what more I can tell you...
but you have me at a bit
of a disadvantage, Chuck.
I don't have your files
in front of me.
Come on, Jim.
I'm out.
As long as the mole's alive,
you're a dead man.
How do I know it's not you?
You're a fairly bright guy.
You'll figure it out.
[Ominous chords]
[No audio]
[No audio]
[Ominous music continues]
[Bagpipe music fades in]
- Hey, Chuck. I...
- Take it off.
Who are you?
What's your name?
[Gong]
[Audience applauds]
[Incidental game show music]
Yeah...
that's the way it goes on TV.
CHUCK: Get off the stage.
Go back to Scotland.
Get yourself a Guinness
and some Lucky Charms.
All right.
Ladies and gentlemen...
the prince of puns...
the wizard of whoopee!
[Applause]
The Unknown Comic!
Hey, Chuckie, baby!
Hey, Chuckie, baby,
I got a joke for you.
- A joke.
- What?
What's the difference
between toilet paper...
and a shower curtain?
- I don't know. What?
- Here's the guy!
- Get off the stage.
- No, it's my turn, Chuckie.
- Get off the stage.
- You're fucking crazy, man.
Get the fuck out of here.
Ladies and gentlemen...
our next act... Ha ha!
First came...
To us... all the way...
Um... ha ha...
Lord.
Crazy on coast-to-coast.
Come on.
You like the way Mommy looks?
Yes.
I bet you'd like to be a mommy
some day, wouldn't you?
Come here, You.
[Renda crying out]
CHUCK: Sorry about
your teeth.
MOTHER:
#... birthday to you #
# Happy birthday to you #
# Happy birthday,
dear Chuckie #
# Happy birthday to... #
Come on. Take me away now.
Take me away.
What are you waitin' for?
Come on. Come on.
Come on.
I see you.
I know who you are.
What are you looking at?
[Music starts]
SINGERS:
# If I had a hammer #
# I'd a-hammer
in the morning' #
# I'd a-hammer
in the evenin' #
# All over this land #
# I'd a-hammer out danger #
# I'd a-hammer out a warning' #
# I'd a-hammer out love #
# Between my brothers
and my sisters #
# All over #
# This land #
# Ooh ooh ooh #
# If I had a bell #
# I'd a-ring it
in the mornin' #
# I'd a-ring it
in the evenin' #
# All over this land #
# I'd ring out danger #
# I'd ring out a warning #
# I'd ring out #
# Love between my brothers
and my sisters #
# All over #
# This land #
# Ooh #
# If I had a song #
# I'd sing it
in the morning #
# I'd sing it
in the evenin' #
# All over this land #
# I'd sing out danger #
# I'd sing out a warning #
# I'd sing out love #
# Between my brothers
and my sisters #
# All over #
# This land #
# This land #
BARRIS: Dean Penny...
this is just a note to say
that I'm sorry...
for all of it.
You were the best pant
of my life...
and I couldn't see it.
I'm not asking
for another clance...
just for your forgiveness.
Love. Chuck.
[Knock on door]
Well...
Look who comes out of hiding.
CHUCK: I started thinking,
Trish, you're the only woman...
in the world
who really... who really knows me.
I know I screwed you over
in the past...
and I'm sorry. I...
[Piano concerto plays]
I just want you
to know that...
I hate myself for how...
Goddamn, I hate myself
for how I lived, Trish.
PATRICIA: Nietzsche says
whoever despises oneself...
still respects oneself
as one who despises.
CHUCK: Shit,
I never thought of that.
I can't even despise myself
with any insight.
The insane asylums
are filled with people...
who think
they're Jesus or Satan.
Very few have delusions
of being...
a guy down the block who works
for an insurance company.
All right.
What is this stuff?
I wanted to be a writer once.
I wanted to write something...
that someday some lesser person
would quote...
but I never did.
I'm the lesser person, Trish.
I never say
anything meaningful...
that wasn't said
by somebody else first.
I am disposable.
I disposed of people,
and I'm disposable.
I've been thinking about you
a lot lately, Chuck.
- Oh, yeah?
- Mm.
I've missed you.
You could have fooled me.
Well, I've mellowed.
[Chuckles]
Boston is a beautiful city.
We could start over here,
normal life together.
Sell insurance.
[Laughs]
Yeah. That sounds good.
That sounds right.
Look at that.
I could learn to love
that skyline.
Did you see
I got your picture framed?
Oh, yeah? Where?
- Look.
- Oh, hot dog!
To life.
To life.
You devil. Isn't that sweet?
Oh...
Hey, what about splitting
our time in New York?
Fuck. I just bit...
It's just a... [Gags]
[Gagging]
[Gasping, grunting]
PATRICIA: No, that's too quick.
You're supposed to get to
the bathroom and throw up first.
God, Chuck, you should have
seen Oliver's face.
It was just... well...
if I do say so myself.
I got a nice snapshot of it,
actually.
Mm...
You know, Keeler was easy.
Traveled halfway around
the world for a night with me.
Hm...
[Chuck panting]
OK... Let's see...
[Grunts]
Chuck, you've put on weight.
Come on.
I nearly blew it with Byrd.
Never farm out a job
that you should do yourself.
Do you want a laugh?
He thought you were the mole.
He was going to kill you.
What an idiot.
"I'm not at all the person
you and I took me for."
Hm. Sounds like an epitaph.
Your handwriting, too.
You see, Chuck,
I save everything.
All of your lovely notes.
Mm.
[Labored breathing]
You know what?
I like Carlyle best, too.
I really do. Yeah.
Say hi to the boys
when you see 'em.
Ooh...
Oh...
To life. [Clink]
[Piano concerto continues]
[No audio]
BARRIS: My name
is Charles Hinsch Barris.
I have written pop songs.
I have been
a television producer.
I am responsible
for polluting the air waves...
with mind-numbing,
puerile entertainment.
In addition. I have murdered
JUSTICE OF THE PEACE:
We have come here today...
to join Penny Pacino
and Chuck Barris...
in holy matrimony.
You all know Chuck Barris...
creator of "The Dating Game."
"The Newlywed Game"...
"The Family Game"...
"The Game Game,"
"Dream Girl of 1968"...
"Operation Entertainment"...
"How's Your Mother-in-law,"
and many others.
Chuck Barris, who most recently
brought us such hits...
as "The Rah-Rah Show"...
"The $1.98 Beauty Show"...
"The Gong Show."
Oh, Chuck Barris...
who I'm sure
will be back soon...
with even more shows that
will stimulate and educate...
and keep us on the edge
of our seats.
[Bell tolls]
[Cheering]
MAN: Whoo.
Congratulations!
Hey...
Oh, thanks, thanks.
Thanks.
[Bell tolls]
[Tolling grows louder]
[No audio]
Danny, drive now!
[Wheels screech]
PENNY: Bye.
Penny, there's something
I gotta confess...
something I gotta tell ya.
Listen, Penny. You've known me
for a long time...
As the host of
"The Dating Game"...
"The Gong Show,"
"Rah-Rah Show"...
Yeah, yeah,
listen, listen, listen...
I work for the CIA.
You understand?
And I kill people.
I killed...
I killed a lot of people.
You understand?
I killed a lot of people.
Ha ha ha ha ha ha!
[Both laughing]
BARRIS: I came up with
a new game show idea recently.
It's called "The Old Game."
You got three old guys
with loaded guns on stage...
they look back
at their lives...
see who they were,
what they accomplished...
low close they came
to realizing their dreams.
The winner...
is the one who doesn't
blow his brains out.
He gets a refrigerator.
[Music intro]
# There's no business
like show business #
# Like no business I know #
# Everything about it
is appealing #
# Everything
the traffic will allow #
# Nowhere can you get
that happy feeling #
# When you are stealing
that extra bow #
# There's no people
like show people #
# They smile
when they are low #
# Even with a turkey
that you know will fold #
# You may be stranded
out in the cold #
# Still, You wouldn't
change it for a sack of gold #
# Let's go on with the show #
[Instrumentals]
# The costumes. The scenery,
the makeup. The props #
# The audience that lifts you
when you're down #
# The headache. The heartaches,
the backaches. The flops #
# The sheriff who escorts you
out of town #
# The opening when your heart
beats like a drum #
[Drumbeat]
# The closing when
the customers won't come #
# There's no business
like show business #
# Like no business I know #
# Traveling through
the country can be thrilling #
# Standing out in front
on opening nights #
# Smiling as you watch
the theater filling #
# And there's your billing #
# Out there in lights #
# There's no people
like show people #
# They smile
when they are low #
# Yesterday. They told you
you would not go far #
# That night you open,
and there you are #
# Next day. On your dressing
room. They've hung a star #
# Let's go on with the show #
# Let's go #
# On with the show #
[Somber piano music plays]
[Music ends]