Convict 99 (1939) Movie Script
And don't you show your face
in St Michael's again!
And if your brother Benjamin
thinks he can live here
while he's out of work, he's mistaken.
Mummy, is Uncle Ben going to get it
in the neck again?
Shut up! Go and do your homework.
Alfie, put your slippers on.
If you've got an idea you're going
on a pub crawl tonight you're wrong.
Hello, Mabel. Hello, Alfred.
- Hello, Ben.
- Hello, kids, guess what I've got.
- The sack!
- Er... Oh.
No, I've brought you some sweets.
How long are you going to live on us
this time? Our lease runs out in 1945.
Oh, I shan't be here long, I'm in the
running for one or two appointments.
You'd better try and catch one,
or out you go.
We can't turn him out.
Yes, we can, then Freddie and me can
have the bed to ourselves.
Quiet, Jimmy.
- Read that.
- Oh, for me?
Found me already?
"In reply to your application"?
I didn't apply for this.
Some nosy parker been interfering?
- I applied for it.
- Oh, you did?
Oh. Oh, thank you very much, Mabel.
Well, 75 a year?
Do they know who they're writing to?
They can't do,
or they wouldn't have offered so much.
Well, at St Michael's I got 80 a year
and they threw my laundry in.
Benjamin Twist, either you apply for that
job or you don't sleep here tonight.
Oh. Oh, very well.
In that case, I'd better be going.
- Going? Where to?
- To bed.
That means our bed!
Mabel, if I didn't know you better...
Go away! ..I should be inclined to form
the opinion that I wasn't welcome here!
Wait, boys, it's my turn for the middle!
I had the broken spring last night. Hey!
- Oh, I'm sorry, I'm sorry.
- Sorry you ought to be.
Are you an applicant
for this backward boys' school?
Do I look sap enough
to be a schoolmaster?
Oh, no.
You haven't seen
the prisons commission?
No, I've been fortunate.
Oh, on the board? No, I haven't.
You look down that side for mine
and I'll look here for yours.
Two eyes are better than one.
- Sorry, guvnor.
- Just a minute, just a minute.
Here, you can't take property like that!
- Recognise it?
- Yeah, it's like mine.
It is mine! What are you doing with it?
- He just picked your pocket!
- Oh, did he?
No, I found it, I was taking it
to the police.
Ah, I knew he had an honest face.
I've seen honest faces like that
in Australian prisons for 17 years.
- My, what a long sentence.
- Sentence? I was prison governor.
- Watch him while I fetch a policeman.
- Yes.
I say, don't be long!
Good day, gentlemen, good day.
Good day.
It's a waste of time seeing all these
people. Benjamin's the one we want.
That last applicant seemed charming.
We don't want charm in prison,
we want discipline.
We're getting low on the list.
I want to see Benjamin. He's done
wonderful work in Australian prisons.
(Laughs)
I say, this is rather embarrassing.
Would you mind pretending
we know each other? I'm Twist.
- Twister!
- Eh?
I didn't know you
without your mortar board.
Remember me?
I'm Bates, Bates minor, of St Michael's.
Bates! Of course it is!
- Glad to see you!
- Haven't seen you for ages.
- How are you?
- Very well.
How's your father?
Eight o'clock, last Tuesday morning.
Tuesday? Well, he had a nice day for it.
Mr Benjamin? Mr Benjamin?
- Mr Benjamin?
- Did you say Benjamin?
- Are you Benjamin?
- Yes, Dr Benjamin T...
Could you step this way?
The board are waiting.
Well, Twister, I won't keep you.
I gotta go too.
- Ta-ta.
- So long.
- I say, Bates!
- Please, Mr Benjamin, you're late.
- He's got my...
- Mr Benjamin, they're waiting.
- I'm told he's rather harsh.
- That's what we want.
- Mr Benjamin, sir.
- Ah, glad they found you.
Good morning, gentlemen. Miss.
I'm Sir Cyril Blakeney Burke.
How do you do, Benjamin?
Very well, thank you...Cyril.
- Miss Humphreys, Mr Salter, Mr Jones.
- Pleased to meet you.
- Won't you sit down?
- Yes, thank you.
So you're from down under?
Er, yes, yes, I came up in the lift.
Oh! Ha-ha-ha! Very good.
I've just been examining your records.
Oh. Well, you must make allowances
for a certain amount of prejudice.
You qualified in a pretty tough school.
Oh, not tough. Playful, perhaps.
Blackdown is no kindergarten.
It's a long-term establishment.
I don't care how long terms are,
as long as I get Christmas off.
Holidays won't be your worry -
these fellows are a difficult bunch.
- Some have been there 20 years.
- My, they must be backward.
I'm sure you can
knock some sense into them.
Do you believe in corporal punishment?
What, thrashings? Not 'arf. Er, yes.
Was there much of it at your last place?
On the average, about five a day.
I take it you all feel as I do
about Benjamin.
I'm afraid we're unanimous.
Well, can't be helped.
Good morning, gentlemen, miss.
One moment. We want your signature.
- Signature?
- Agreeing to our terms.
- I've got the job?
- Of course!
- Smith, get the agreement.
- Yes, sir.
Hey, you, I've been delayed downstairs.
I'm sorry but the vacancy has been filled.
- I came from Australia for this!
- I'm sorry.
- Sorry be hanged!
- What about that...
- I demand to see the board.
- The vacancy has been filled.
- I want to see them!
- Constable!
- What's this?
- Mind your own business.
We don't want no disturbance. Outside!
If that's how they treat people
I shall go back on the first boat.
Sign here, Benjamin.
- (Sir Cyril) Oh.
- I always do it like that,
makes it hard to forge.
- Splendid.
- Wait, I haven't put the Twist on.
- What twist?
- The Twist on the end.
- Do you always put a twist on?
- Invariably, yes. Benjamin Twist.
- Is it necessary?
- I never sign without the Twist.
How amusing! In future, I shall always
think of you as Mr Benjamin Twist!
(All laugh)
What's so funny about that?
(All roar with laughter)
Here it is, Blackdown.
Good heavens, it's in Devon!
That's 200 miles.
Oh, we'll have to stop and fill up.
I know the very place,
down the road here.
(Both sing drunkenly) # In Devonshire
county they haven't a care!
# All along, down along, out along lee
# For I want to go to Widecombe Fair
# With Bill Brewer, Peter Gurney
# Jan Stewer
# Peter Gurney, Peter Davy
# Jan Stewer
# And Uncle Tom Cobley and all!
# And Uncle Tom Cobley and all! #
We're here.
- Blackdown.
- Where's Blackdown?
- It's in Devon.
- Wrong! Next boy.
No, this is the place where you get out.
Oh, oh, oh.
- Is this the school?
- Yes.
Oh.
Ahh.
- Well-built place, innit?
- Yes.
I must get this bell attended to.
- Well, good night, old boy.
- Good night.
Hey, hey, you can't undress here.
I'm headmaster, I can do what I like.
Oh, well. Good night.
Ah.
(Clatter)
(Car engine)
Hey!
Hey.
Hurry up there, hurry up. That way.
Oh, pardon me, could you direct me to...
- Come on, follow me!
- Thank you very much.
- Good evening.
- Sit down!
Thank you.
(Alarm bell rings)
(Shouting)
Now, boys, boys, stop this noise!
I won't have any noise.
Boys!
Boys, behave yourselves! Behave!
Hey, stop this rowdy-ism!
And that goes for all of you!
Move an inch and you're for it.
It's a break, boys!
- It is a break.
- Come on!
(Crashing, shouting)
Come on, get in there, the lot of you.
You'll be sorry for this.
One, two, three,
four, five, six,
seven, eight, nine... ten.
- How many are they?
- Ten.
One, two, three... That's the lot.
That lets me out. Thanks for the party.
Good night. Sit down!
(Guard) Come on.
Jim Cullis.
- Five years, robbery with violence.
- Mistaken identity.
Yeah, we've got 200 of those here.
- Come on.
- Smudge Dempsey.
Are you going?
Where's Jim and Charlie?
Inside, they came over drowsy.
- No wonder! Well, good night.
- Good night!
Ah, Smith. Back again, eh?
Take him away.
And the last, Maximilian Slessor.
Seven years, forgery.
- Slessor! Slessor!
- (Snores)
Jimmy, keep your feet out of my back.
- You'll have me out of bed.
- Slessor!
Hey? Hey? Yes?
Oh. Oh, hello, porter. Do I get out here?
Yes, but not for another seven years.
Seven years? (Tuts) This train is late.
If I didn't know it was impossible
I'd swear he'd been drinking.
- There's a medical note.
- Oh, yes.
"Suspected of being mentally
unbalanced. Keep under observation."
Oh, I see. All right, take him away.
Come on, Slessor, wake up.
Time for bed.
What? What? Bed?
Oh, bed? Oh, bed, bed.
'Ere, is my bedroom near my study?
Your bedroom's in your study.
Ooh, good. Combined room, eh?
(Man) Hey, wake up! What's the idea?
Who's in charge of this corridor?
- I am, sir.
- Get your men up!
- Yes!
- It's two minutes past six!
Come on, wake up!
- All of you!
- (Men groaning)
Hup! Hey, where do you think
you are, the Ritz?
Come on, show a leg.
(Truncheon rattles)
(Men groaning and yawning)
Hey, copper, come here!
- Come on, come on.
- What's the matter with you?
No impertinence, I know the law. I've
been in better police stations than this.
- Who's responsible for me being here?
- You are!
- You've been a very naughty boy.
- Oh dear. Oh, have I?
- Who's on the bench this morning?
- Oh, shut up!
Hey, hey, come here. Was I very bad?
Bad? It took five of us to bath you!
I haven't been bathed since I was a kid!
- No? That's what we thought.
- I don't want any impudence!
Call my brother-in-law, Alfred Bates,
he'll bail me out.
Shut up or I'll get the head screw on you.
Hey, come here!
You say you won't do it?
I demand a proper drunkenness test.
I'll show you I'm sober.
You get the doctor immediately.
Go on, go and get him! Go on!
Go on! And send over
some eggs and bacon.
- Hey, anything wrong?
- 99's acting queer.
- Says he wants a doctor.
- 99?
That's Max Slessor, fella who made
all that trouble at Parkhurst.
Crazy as a coot.
I'll send the doctor along.
Good morning, Doctor.
Truly rural, truly constitutional.
Around the rogged ricks... The rigged...
Around the rigged racks...
Around the racks...
Around the rogged...
It's on the tip of me tongue. Around
the rigged rocks, the ragged rascal...
- Anyway, I'm as sober as a judge.
- Of course you are. Let's take it quietly.
Say this after me - I serenely submit
to the seven-year servitude
that I stand sentenced to by the state.
Blimey, it's a bit ess-y. Well, I'll have
a trot at it. Wish I had me other teeth.
I serenely submit
to the seven-year servitude
I stand se... I can't say that!
They'll think I am doing seven years.
Quite right. Keep that thought
in the back of your mind.
Hey, you can't leave me here like this!
I know a fella that knows an MP.
I'll have a question asked in the House.
Yes. Hey, what am I gonna do?
You finish marking out the floor and
I'll come back for a game of hopscotch.
Hey, come here!
You can't treat me like this! I'll write to
the Home Secretary! Bring me a stamp!
I'll take the law into my own hands, then.
I won't stay here another minute!
Horace! Call the gentleman a taxi!
- Oh, the gentleman wants to go home!
- Taxi! Taxi!
Party C3, halt!
Get to work.
Come on, 99, get on with your work!
Where do you think you are?
Well, I shouldn't be here at all.
Last time I got drunk
they only fined me ten bob.
- Shut up and get on with your work!
- This is worse than the Dreyfus case.
I am a Briton - red, white and blue
still mean something to me.
- Deputy governor's coming.
- Get the men working full speed.
If you don't want trouble,
get on with your work!
Swing your hammer, man!
I said swing it!
Oh dear.
So it's mutiny, eh?
This means solitary confinement for you.
Take him away!
Come on, get going!
(Squeaking)
(Barking)
(Quacking)
- There's a church.
- (Thud)
- There's a steeple.
- (Thud)
Open the doors and there's the people.
- 'Ello!
- Oh, hello. Good gracious. Who are you?
I'm Jerry the Mole, your neighbour.
I've just burrowed in to see you.
Well, you can just burrow off again.
Why? Don't you want me, then?
This is a solitary confinement cell,
it's private. (Sniffs)
All right, Sniffy,
I know where I ain't welcome.
Hey, you can't leave a hole like that,
they'll blame it on me.
No, they'll know it's me, I've got tunnels
everywhere. Perfect pest, I am!
I've undermined the whole foundations.
Do they know about these tunnels?
- Some they do, some they don't.
- Well, they'll know about this one.
That? Don't count,
it's only an afternoon's work.
I've got a big tunnel
runs under the kitchen, round the sewer,
- through the cesspool, up the drain...
- Healthy.
..and out past the main gates.
If I burrow up I shall come out
in the middle of the main road.
That's silly, you'll get run over.
Oh dear, hadn't thought of that.
You could come out
on a pedestrian crossing.
That's right. I've been working
on that tunnel for 40 years.
40 years? How long are you in for?
- Another couple of weeks.
- Well, you'd better hurry up and escape.
- Yeah, I mustn't waste any time.
- No. (Sniffs)
- 'Ere, Sniffy, like to escape with me?
- No, not me.
- Why not?
- I haven't got 40 years to spare.
With me you'll be out in two days.
Coming?
- Where?
- The bathroom, where the tunnel starts.
- How do we get there?
- Call the warder, I'll tell you what to say.
Warder! Yoo-hoo!
Warder! Warder!
Louder.
- Warder! Yoo-hoo!
- (Banging)
Warder!
- Er, I want to go to the bathroom.
- What?
- (Mouths)
- No, I mean I don't want to go.
- You trying to be funny?
- No.
- Well, what are you talking about?
- I thought I did but I don't.
- Sorry you've been troubled.
- You spoiled everything!
- I did what you said.
- I hadn't finished.
Call the warder,
tell him you heard me escaping.
Oh!
Warder! Warder!
- (Pounding)
- Hey, Warder! Here!
Warder!
- Now what is it?
- He's escaping from next door.
- Who's escaping?
- Er, Jerry the... Jerry the Rabbit.
- Who?
- Mole.
- Er, Mole.
- What?!
Here, stand up here.
Take this here, stand up.
Turn round, shut your eyes.
- When I say go, drop it.
- Why do I shut me eyes?
So you don't see how I do it. They shut?
- Yes.
- Ready? Go!
- Can I open me eyes now?
- Yes.
Right. Hey, hey!
- Hey, who did that?
- You did!
Wait a minute, if there's any trouble with
that I'll say I did it with me eyes shut.
All right, go on.
- Psst! Where you going?
- The bathroom.
Not that way. Stick to me.
Do you want the cat?
What do we want with cats
at a time like this?
Here it is, nobody's touched it.
Proper cunning, innit?
- What is it?
- Our disguise.
- Our what?
- Our disguise.
We get in that.
What do you want me to do,
make a noise like a cup and saucer?
There you are, in you go.
Ready? Pull!
Get down, he's coming.
(Groaning)
I must say, you've made a good job.
- Thank you, sir.
- Very good.
- Move back.
- I can't, there's a hole or something.
Hop! Hop! Come on, pick 'em up there.
Pick 'em up. One-two, hop-hop,
one-two, hop-hop.
One-two... Come on, pick 'em up, 99.
Hop-hop, one-two.
In answer to your repeated inquiries,
I can only say that the new governor
has not yet arrived.
Er, in the meantime you can assure Sir
Cyril that the prison is running smoothly
under the direction
of your obedient servant.
- That's all.
- (Telephone)
Hello? Hello, yes.
Scotland Yard on the phone, sir.
Hello, deputy governor speaking.
Why didn't you tell us
a prisoner had escaped?
Escaped? We've had no one escape.
What prisoner?
Max Slessor.
We picked him up this morning.
(Chuckles) Slessor's here.
You've got the wrong man!
We don't make mistakes
about old customers like Slessor.
(Laughs)
I can actually see Slessor
from where I am now.
One of us is seeing double.
We'll send him back anyway.
It's no use returning him
when we've already got him.
What? Is that so?
You can do the same with Scotland Yard!
Darn cheek. Making mistakes and
blaming us. When did Slessor arrive?
Three days ago. He's one of the ten
that came on Tuesday,
the day the new governor
should've taken over.
(Whispers) The governor!
If they've got Slessor,
that convict might be...
Come on!
Hop-hop, one-two...
- 99, just a minute.
- Don't talk to me, I'll get in trouble.
- I want a word with you.
- Oh. What have I done now?
Does the name Sir Cyril Blakeney Burke
mean anything to you?
What, old Cyril? I should say so.
- So you know Sir Cyril?
- Of course!
He's responsible for this, in a way.
If he hadn't given me the job
I wouldn't be in this mess.
It's disgraceful. I take something
for me cold, and you shove me in prison.
Even in Russia you get a fair trial.
Hop-hop, one-two...
Someone's made a dreadful bloomer.
Bloomer?
There's been bloomers all along!
Rate-paying citizen stuck in prison,
made to crack rocks! Look at my blisters.
- With chilblains, I could've told you.
- How?
Silence! Take this man back to his cell.
- My dear Benjamin...
- Oh, Benjamin is it now?
I only allow my friends
to call me Benjamin. 99 to you.
- Sir Cyril on the phone, sir.
- Ah.
I understand how you feel.
If you'll come to the office
I'll try to rectify this ghastly blunder.
About time too!
Oh.
Hello. Hello, is that you, Sir Cyril?
Yes, Mr Benjamin has just arrived.
Just arrived? I like that!
Tell him what's happened.
- Everything is quite all right.
- Oh, no, it's not!
Let me talk to him! I've been locked up!
What's going on? Sounds like a
dogfight. Let me speak to Benjamin.
Don't argue!
- He wants to speak to you.
- I should think so too.
Hello, Cyril, this is Ben.
Where were you?
Why didn't you take over on Tuesday?
Take over? I didn't get a chance!
They shoved me in the clink.
Solitary confinement!
You mean you've been locked up?
Incredible. Why did you stand for it?
Well, there were hundreds of 'em.
- What have you done about it?
- Well, I'm out, aren't I?
Fire that fool Robinson immediately.
Are you that fool Robinson?
Well, I can't do that.
I don't know him well enough.
Oh, all right. It's your turn.
Yes, sir. Yes, this is Robinson speaking.
Yes, sir.
(Sighs)
I can't believe it.
After 30 years' solid service,
I'm fired.
Oh, well, easy come, easy go.
- Mr Benjamin.
- Mm?
I appeal to you to do the right thing
in the right quarter.
The right quarter. I'd be delighted to.
Turn round.
- Ooh!
- Your clothes, sir.
- I brought them myself, sir.
- Thank you very much.
- That's a nasty lump on your head.
- This, sir? A mere bagatelle.
- Looks more like a billiard ball.
- This came for you, sir.
Withholding my correspondence?
Another indignity.
- Are you taking over immediately, sir?
- Yes.
- Where is the school?
- School?
Oh, you mean the instruction room?
No, the school for backward...
Good gracious.
John D Benjamin?
Benjamin.
How amusing! In future, I shall always
think of you as Mr Benjamin Twist!
(All laugh)
What's so funny about that?
(All roar with laughter)
Well, there's nothing funny about that.
Now, 52s into 2,000 won't go.
Four fives are 29, throw away the two
nothings, come back Peter, carry one...
Lumme, that's over 30 a week.
Are you feeling all right, sir?
Oh, yes, yes. Where was I?
Well, you were asking me
about a school, sir.
School? Yes, that's right. Is there a
school for backward boys around here?
Well, this is the only place
for backward boys around here, sir.
Yes. I say, tell me - do Cyril and
the others come down very often?
Very seldom. They were here last spring.
They should be about due again.
Very unlikely, sir, they won't be here
for another three years.
Oh, really? Yes.
Three twos are six, that makes 6,000.
- That's a long time.
- (Knock)
- Yes?
- Can you come to the dining hall?
- Why?
- They want the new governor.
Calling for me, eh? That's very touching.
I'll get changed,
I won't keep them waiting.
Very nice of them to welcome me.
(All chant) We want the governor!
We want the governor!
We want the governor!
We want the governor!
(Chanting continues)
- Boys!
- We want the governor!
We want the governor!
Boys! Quiet!
- We want the governor!
- Quiet! Remember where you are!
(Thunderous crash)
That's better. Go back to your places.
Remember, you've got a new governor.
- Well, bring him in!
- Yes, I will.
- I'm the new governor!
- (Laughter)
Hear that? This is the new governor!
(Laughs) Good old Sniffy!
He ain't half a card!
Shut up, you!
- (Laughter)
- I am the new governor.
(Laughter)
- That's Sniffy.
- Never mind about that.
- They appointed me governor.
- What for?
2,000 a yea... I mean, because they...
I don't want any argument!
Get off that table. If this is your idea
of a welcome, I don't like it.
Well, see how you like this.
(Laughter)
Who threw that?
Come on, own up! Who threw it?
I did.
- What did you do that for?
- I thought you'd like to taste it.
Oh, I see, you were throwing it to me.
For a minute I thought
you were throwing it at me.
Well, boys, what did you
want to see me about?
- We want better grub!
- And better conditions!
- And better treatment!
- And see that we get it!
(All cheering)
Quiet, boys, quiet.
There's nothing you can tell me about
the prison. I've studied it from the inside.
(Laughter)
As governor, I will change things.
I shall make this a prison
fit for Englishmen to live in.
(All) Hooray!
You boys will share the responsibility
and help me run this prison.
My first act is to form
a management committee.
(All) Hooray!
And I'm going to allow you all
to follow your own occupation.
(All) Hooray!
I want you to look upon these walls
not as a device to keep you in
but as a barrier to keep the riffraff out.
(Wild cheering)
(Men arguing)
(Knocking) Order!
(Raps table) Order!
- (All fall silent)
- Thank you.
Well, gentlemen, I've very much pleasure
in declaring this meeting open.
I feel honoured that you should invite me
to take the chair.
(Man) Hear, hear.
I'm grateful for your support.
As you know, I'm breaking new ground.
Breaking new ground? Where?
- What are you doing here?
- Committee secretary.
Well, shut up and put down the minutes.
Now, I've got here a list of reforms
which I'd like to propose.
You're out of order.
Chairman can't propose.
- Why not?
- Because it's out of order.
All right, I've a list of reforms
I'd like to second.
- You're still out of order.
- Better get yourself seen to.
- Listen, you just put down the minutes.
- Done it.
- Where?
- There. Two and a half minutes.
No, you put down what we say!
It's this old fool that's out of order.
It's you that's out of order -
the chairman can't second.
I may as well not be here. I can't propose
or second. What can I do?
Nothing, it's all been done.
Oh, well, am I allowed to know what?
All you've got to do is put it to the vote.
Oh, well, all right. All those in favour.
- In favour of what?
- The proposition.
- We haven't had one.
- Aw!
How can you vote? You can't vote
on nothing. Anybody got a proposition?
I propose that the reforms
mentioned on this list
be carried in toto, en bloc.
- I'll second that.
- All in favour?
Carried. Put that down, Jerry.
I can't have this!
I don't know what's on that list.
You don't have to,
you're only the chair.
I demand that list be read out in toto,
en bloc, and no missing anything out.
All right. First item - beds.
I propose that we have
softer mattresses.
(All shout in agreement)
Yes, yes, good idea, put it down.
Wait. It hasn't been seconded.
Do I write
the seconds and the minutes?
- How do I know? I'm only the chair.
- I second it.
- You seconded the last one.
- I second everything!
- All right.
- I propose a vote of thanks to the chair.
- (All) Hear, hear.
- Oh, do you?
I've an amendment -
you keep the chair! It's no good to me.
- I can't do anything.
- You've got the casting vote!
- The what?
- The casting vote.
If we all agree to something
then you vote for it.
That's all right then. I thought you were
leaving me out of everything.
Put that down. Now, go on, what's next?
(Bells chiming)
(Men yawning)
- 8:30, gentlemen.
- (Birdsong)
- Time to get up.
- Tea, coffee, cocoa.
- Tea, coffee, cocoa.
- (Bells chiming)
Tea, coffee, cocoa.
- Tea, coffee, cocoa.
- I could do with a pint.
- Wait till supper.
- I'll report this to the committee!
Tea, coffee, cocoa. Tea, coffee, cocoa.
Tea, coffee, cocoa.
- Albert! Tea, four lumps.
- (Bird singing)
- Good. My bath ready?
- Why all these baths?
I want that schoolgirl complexion
all over. Open up, governor's orders.
- Morning.
- Morning, Governor!
- Good morning, boys.
- Morning, Governor.
- Your cold better?
- Yes, thanks.
- 'Ello, Governor!
- Morning.
- Morning, Governor.
- Good morning.
Say, what's all this?
- Committee's orders.
- Oh, good.
- Oh, did you say he could have a bath?
- Certainly.
Cleanliness is next to godliness.
Oh, you mean him? Certainly not.
- Oh, go on, Sniffy.
- Don't call me that.
You can't take liberties
because you knew me before I got on.
What harm's a bath gonna do you?
None, but the shock would kill you.
And I know why you want a bath.
You want to escape down the plughole.
- It's a tunnel.
- I don't care, you're not going there.
Not having any of that
Monte Cristo business here.
Bring it into my office,
we'll have a nice cup of cocoa.
Mind the paintwork. Go on, push. To me!
Come on!
- Don't jerk it, you're spilling the milk.
- Now you've got it stuck.
Hey, you've got customers.
Customers or not, we can't leave it here!
- Oh.
- Reporting two new arrivals, sir.
Bates!
- Twister!
- What are you doing here?
- 18 months. What did you get?
- Silence.
Speak when you're spoken to.
Say sorry to the governor.
Governor? Have you given up school?
Speak when you're spoken to!
He means the school I had
before I left Australia.
- Australia? You've never...
- I don't want any alibis.
You've been sent here by a good judge.
Make Mr Bates comfortable.
Give him a room on the east wing
overlooking the moors, ground floor.
- How do we get out?
- Same way as I got in. Mind the cups.
Next, please.
- Max Slessor, 99.
- What do you mean, "99"?
- Oh, you mean him?
- Yes, he broke jail four days ago.
Did he? Did you put sugar in?
He's the bloke that got you jugged.
Oh, so you're the scoundrel!
- Shut up, ya...!
- Playing hooky, eh?
Do you realise that by clearing off you
got someone else into serious trouble?
- Put a sock in it!
- So that's your attitude, is it?
For that you can write 100 times "I must
not leave others holding the baby".
You take me for a bloomin' schoolkid?!
All right, now you'll do it 500 times!
Take him away, and mind the cups.
(Mutters angrily)
Why didn't you think of
doing it that way?
Oh, well, now to work.
Oh dear, I shall have to
talk to those cleaners.
Dirty thumb marks over everything.
They're fingerprint charts.
Oh, is that what they are? Oh, I see.
- Leave the desk alone.
- I didn't do anything.
Well, don't lean on it.
Now, listen, I shan't tell you
a second time.
(Crash)
- Is there anything in that cocoa?
- Of course not!
Do you see what I see?
Blimey!
(Coughing and spluttering)
Why, it's Jerry the Ferret.
(Coughs)
- Am I out?
- Out, you old fool?
You're in the governor's office!
(Screams)
(Gibbering) Oh dear! Oh dear!
Governor's office! Governor's office!
(Benjamin) Hey!
- (Shrieking)
- What are you doing?
Out of my way!
(Gasps and moans)
40 years for...
40 years of hard work wasted!
- Hey, hey, look at that carpet!
- Eh?
Look at the carpet!
- Darn the carpet!
- Yeah, but who's gonna do it?
According to my plan there never
ought to have been any carpet.
I'll tell you where I was. I ought to be
here, in the middle of the main road!
All right, don't get upset,
you've just gone wrong somewhere.
- Now, where did you start from?
- The bathroom.
- I told you not to go there!
- Yes, but this was in 1897.
Oh, I see.
Then you went along this blue line?
That was before I reached the bathroom.
You said you started there.
I did this bit before I commenced.
If you commence before you start,
where do you begin?
In the bathroom!
Let's start from the beginning.
Now, in 1897, you had a bath.
That's right. In 1904 I reached the well.
- How did you know it was a well?
- I fell in.
- So in 1904 you had another bath?
- That's right.
You know, this looks like
Hampton Court maze.
What do you turn right here for?
- Where?
- In 1912.
- That's when I trod on me compass.
- Which foot did you tread on it with?
Yeah, yeah, it was me left foot.
Oh dear... What does it matter
which foot he trod on it with?
- Left, right, it's all the same.
- Only trying to help.
Well, hold this corner, help that way.
Let's start from the beginning and work
back. Where's the governor's office?
- Is that it?
- No. It doesn't show it.
Well, it must do!
Oh, no wonder - this was printed in 1890.
- What difference does that make?
- In 1903 the prison was rebuilt.
Oh dear, oh dear, nobody told me!
How could they when you're burrowing
among the plugholes?
Here's a new chart.
Let's have a look at that.
Yes, different thing altogether. There's
my office. And this is where you...
Come here, little mudlark.
- Yes?
- You know where you were in 1925?
- No, where?
- Two miles outside the prison walls.
What's this dead end?
That's where I crossed one of me own
tunnels and turned back.
All you had to do was catch the 4:20 -
that's the tunnel on the line to London.
You twerp.
Oh dear, oh dear, what shall I do?
You'd better go back to the bathroom
and start again. Take this junk with you.
Blimey, what's happened?
- What's happened?
- I must've struck oil.
Struck oil?
You've left the bathroom taps on!
Go on, get over there.
(Lively chatter)
Hey.
Here.
(Shouting)
- Hey, hey, hey, what's all this?
- Hang on, Governor, there's races on.
Hey, hey, stop it! Stop it!
I-I-I won't have this!
Hey, you up there! You up there! You!
Stop! Stop it!
Listen, I won't have it!
Hey, hey, you!
Favourite wins!
Hey, hey, wait!
Listen, I won't have gambling here!
Hey, you! You come here!
You give that money back,
I won't have gambling.
- Ah, go and tell the committee.
- I've a few other things to tell 'em too!
Well, what do you think?
Sunderland will walk it.
- OK.
- Put Chelsea down to win.
Don't be crazy, I've never seen them win.
You've not seen 'em for seven years.
- Say, what's all this?
- 'Ello, Governor.
What's your opinion of Coventry?
Coventry? Not a bad town.
Rather a lot of bicycles though.
No, we're filling out the football coupon.
Football coupon? I can't allow gambling.
And where will you get sixpence from?
- You're gonna lend us that.
- I am? I am not!
- Give me that at once.
- We might win a fortune!
Yes, but not with my sixpence.
Cast your eye over them bills.
30 feather beds, 15 tuck in Albert's
kiosk, football boots 5. What's all this?
- You're gonna pay for it.
- I never ordered them.
We did. You're chair
so you're responsible.
Where am I gonna get that money from?
If you could get 100
I could treble it for you in no time.
- How?
- At my job, operating the stock market.
Carbolics, 53 and a quarter,
70 by the end of the week.
- If you could make it 200...
- I haven't got 200.
And it'd be gambling, no better
than this football coupon.
And this only costs sixpence.
I'll think it over.
(Radio) 'Mansfield 2, Bristol City 0.
'Southport 1, Gateshead 2.'
We had that too!
If the last one's right, I'll cut my throat.
'York City 0...
'Hull City 1.'
- Every blinking one right!
- A fortune down the drain.
'..Millwall 4.
'Cardiff City...'
I'm gonna have words with Sniffy!
And what you can't think of, I'll say!
Look at that. Look at that!
- All come off, draws and all.
- We'd have won a fortune.
And you wouldn't put up a tanner!
No, there's no gambling in this prison
and I'm determined to set an example.
Guv! Guv! Guv! You've won! Look!
Brighton 4, Notts County 4!
Queen's Park Rangers 2, Aldershot 0...
What's the idea of busting in like this?
Wait till I send for you.
That football coupon you sent up,
you got the whole lot right!
- Get out!
- But look, Governor, look!
Er, he's only kidding.
So you're gonna set an example, eh?
You dirty, double-crossing...
You sent up our coupon
and never told us!
- I wanted to keep it as a surprise.
- It's our winnings!
- Our coupon!
- Our brains!
- Yes, but my tanner.
- (Angry shouting)
(Jeering and shouting)
Gentlemen, you don't understand.
I'm not keeping this money.
No. I've got all the bills
for the things the committee ordered,
and with the balance
I propose to form a trust
in charge of Mr Johnson here,
who'll invest it in Carbolic.
- (Jeering)
- Shut up, will ya?
It's our coupon,
why should we share it with the others?
- (All) Yeah!
- Quiet, quiet!
I think the governor's right.
Let's all share it, that's what I say.
- All those in favour.
- (Cheering)
Carried unanimously,
and no amendments.
(Shouting)
Phew.
- Got you out of that, didn't I, guv?
- Oh, yes, thank you, Bates.
Just a minute, what about my cut?
- Your cut? Have you cut yourself?
- Come off it, I want half that pool.
- Why should I give you half?
- To keep my mouth shut.
I've an idea you wangled this job,
Mr Benjamin. Or is it Mr Benjamin Twist?
I say, Bates, you wouldn't...
Wouldn't I? Well, 750 quid or else.
This amounts almost to blackmail.
- It is blackmail.
- Oh. Oh, is it?
Blackmail is a criminal offence
and if I have any more of it
you'll be thrown out of prison.
All right, but don't blame me
if you get kicked out like at St Michael's.
- What's that about St Michael's?
- That's my business.
Might be worth your while
to make it mine.
Buy 200 Imps, 500 Emits, 1,000 Anvers
Gold, 500 Venters. Sell 1,000 Livors.
Get rid of deferred 98s
and buy 500 Incorporated Nitrates.
Make it a thousand.
Cartwright?
Sell Carbolics but nothing under 77.
- What do you want?
- I thought you sent for me.
Oh, yes, yes, I want you
to attend to some transfers.
- What, stick 'em on something?
- No, no. These.
- I see. You want me to sign me name?
- No, I've done that. Just check them.
5,000 bushels a week.
Are they harvesting already?
No, it's not real wheat. We buy on paper
and if it rises we collect.
Oh, splendid. What happens if it falls?
- Then you pay up.
- What with?
The money's all in your account.
I can't afford 5,000 buckets a week.
Just do as you're told
and we'll be millionaires.
- How long will that take?
- Leave that to me.
- I know just how long I've got.
- So do I. Ten years.
I'm worried about me.
Suppose people stop eating bread?
- I'll be in one of those suits again.
- I'll leave you to it.
- I'm late for a committee meeting.
- Hey, wait. What about me? Hey!
- What about me? I'm the chairman.
- Oh, we shan't need you.
- Oh. Oh, I like that.
- Psst!
- Sh. I've got something to tell ya.
- What?
- They chucked me off the committee.
- Why?
I doodled on the minutes. There's
something else. They're having a party.
- Oh? We'll see about that.
- With girls.
Girls? Good. What?
I don't care, I think it's going too far.
What's wrong with having a few girls?
They've been in prison before.
You're anxious to have them. Why?
You're suspicious.
It's to give the boys a good time.
If the governor's sacked, it's killing
the bird that lays the golden egg.
There aren't gonna be any golden eggs,
or any birds.
I've given you quite enough rope
but you don't have to hang me.
You can lead a horse to the water
but there's no power on earth can...
Take your feet off my chair.
Now, just remember that.
Sorry. These ladies only made the offer
to brighten the drab lives of our men.
- But...
- They can mind their own business.
There's been enough brightening.
This is a respectable prison. I won't
have ladies here, whoever they are.
Who's this one?
That's the Baroness Charlotte Rousseau,
the prison reformer.
(Sniffs) Oh, shouldn't be surprised.
Well, how about Friday?
(# Waltz)
- 'Ere, what's your game?
- Hey, he's the secretary.
Ow!
Can we have this dance, love?
Charlie, don't be polite in that suit,
it's got to go back tomorrow.
All right, guv.
- Save that till you get on the floor.
- All right, guv.
'Ello!
- Thanks, pal.
- OK, mate.
Everything all right?
(French accent) They would not let me
bring clothes in.
Never mind. I'll think of something else.
- You know your part?
- Word perfect.
Where is he?
Come on, Millie, this is our dance.
- Excuse me!
- Yes, yes.
Oh, guv.
- Baroness Charlotte Rousseau.
- Good evening.
- How do you do, Baroness?
- Why, of all people!
Benjy! What a surprise!
- Yes, it is.
- You know each other?
Of course we do, we met in Australia!
How are you, my sweet?
Well, I'm very well, thank you,
but I don't recollect...
- Oh, you remember Australia?
- Australia...
- Yes!
- Er... Oh, yes, yes, of course,
big island in the...
the Mediterranean somewhere.
I see you two want to talk over old times.
Oh, yes, of course we do,
we had such wonderful times!
Remember the races
at Melbourne when Zero won?
- Do I?
- Well, you should do, you won 100.
- I what?
- Yes, and you promised to give me 50.
- I promised you 50?
- Yes!
Well, if I promised,
I must have given it to you.
No, you naughty man, you didn't.
Oh, but I remember I did.
Aha, but I remember as clearly
as if it was yesterday you didn't.
But I remember...
Oh, I forgot to tell you -
Remember I went to get
the money from the bookmaker?
Well, he welshed us.
Excuse me, I've got to go and see
about the fan dance.
- Did he fall for it?
- No, he's as big a liar as I am.
See here, I want his signature
on a cheque and you've got to get it.
Oh, Benjy!
(Shrieks)
- My tirara!
- Your what?
- My tirara's gone!
- Well, don't look at me, I ain't got it!
Oh dear. (Sobs)
Pipe down, it's only a bit of junk.
It wasn't junk, it was real!
I'll cop it if I don't take it home,
my old man got it in a smash and grab!
(Sobs and wails)
- I say, what's all the bother?
- My tirara! Somebody swiped it.
- Somebody what?
- Swiped it, pinched it.
Oh, no, nobody here
would steal anything.
Are you sure it hasn't slipped down...?
- What was it like?
- Like that, only real.
I had it on me head a minute ago.
Well, I'll ask the culprit to give it back.
- Fat lot of good that'll do.
- You don't know my boys.
Stop the music!
Stop playing, stop playing.
Ladies and gentlemen,
I've got some very bad news.
We have a thief in our midst!
I don't want to embarrass the culprit
so I'll give him a chance
by using a device that was very
successful at my last sch... prison.
Now, don't move, anybody,
stay where you are.
Now, if I can have all the lights put out.
While the room is in darkness
I'm going to ask the thief
to put the tirara...the tiara back on, erm...
..on this, and no questions will be asked.
Now, remember gentlemen, you've got
five seconds to save your honour.
Put out the lights!
Now, remember, five seconds.
One, two...
- (Slap)
- (Woman) Oh! Who did that?
Boys, no horseplay.
I didn't put the lights out for that.
Three, four, five.
(Women gasp)
Good gracious me!
I say! What...? I thought the tray might go
but this is going too far.
For that you'll all go to bed,
except the ladies.
- (All) Boo!
- Silence, silence!
Serves you right. You should've thought
of that before. Ladies, follow me.
(Booing)
- Shut up!
- You're not ending the party?
Madam, I've got to keep a firm hand
on these men to gain their respect.
You see? It's the firm hand that counts.
(Raucous jeering)
This way, ladies, I'll get you all a drink.
(All) Oh, yeah!
Slessor, why aren't you in bed?
I thought I'd do this
so you could talk to the girls.
- Oh, very thoughtful of you.
- Oh, Benjy!
- Come with me.
- But I want to talk with...
No, come and sit down here with me.
Ah, now I have you all to myself!
- Oh, but I...
- I don't want to press you
but I do so want my 50.
So do I, so when you go back
to Australia you collect for us both.
(English accent) You faker,
you're no more Governor than I am.
You're Dr Benjamin Twist,
a broken-down old schoolmaster.
Now, do I get the cheque for 50 quid
or do I blow the gaff?
- Well, I'll send it to you.
- You won't, I'll take it now.
Oh...
(Clears throat) Five pounds, wasn't it?
- Fifty.
- Oh, yes, so it was.
And you're giving me a covering letter
to your bank manager.
- Oh, am I?
- You are.
Hmm.
Oh, guv!
You seen Slessor?
They're all in bed except him.
Slessor? He's helping with the drinks.
- Want any help with the women?
- None of that from you. Outside.
Go on. I'll send Slessor down
when I've finished with him.
Now, look here...
Slessor! Slessor!
- (Knock at door)
- Slessor?
How dare you come in here?!
- Get off!
- What do you mean?
Leave me alone! Help!
You old reprobate! I'm disgusted!
- I haven't done anything!
- Why's she screaming?
Probably saw a mouse.
- He...He attacked me!
- A man in your position! It's horrible.
Bald men are the worst!
To think, we girls
aren't even safe in prison!
- Wait...
- I'll report you for this.
No, we must keep it quiet
for the Baroness's sake.
- I assure you that I...
- (All shouting)
I didn't say a word!
- First you take my tirara...
- I tried to get it back for you.
What about this poor girl's reputation?
- I'll try and get that too.
- Ooh!
Bluebeard!
(All laughing)
Give me that cheque.
We've been to a lot of trouble
getting that 50 quid.
By the time I've added
a couple of noughts
it'll clean up his account!
Five thousand pounds?
It's rather a large amount, madam.
The manager hasn't arrived yet.
- But I have a covering letter.
- Oh, I see.
Oh, that'll be quite all right.
- How would you like it?
- In small notes, please.
Hey. Have you been double-crossing us?
- Since when?
- Since any time.
- Certainly not.
- Well, someone has.
Broker says your cheques are no good.
He's brought back three marked "rd".
- Marked "rd"?
- "Rd."
I wonder who that could be?
Robert Donat?
- No, it wouldn't be him.
- It means you haven't any money!
Oh? Well, there must be a reason.
- Better think of a good one.
- I've got nothing to hide.
Not about money, anyway.
- ..very careless.
- Are you the governor?
- Yes.
- I should like to speak to you, alone.
Don't mind Johnson,
he's my financial adviser.
I'm not surprised. To get to the point,
these cheques have been returned "rd".
Yes, so Johnson's been telling me.
Rub it out and send them back.
Unless we have an immediate settlement
we shall apply
for a warrant for your arrest.
My arrest? Johnson, tell him, we've got
plenty of money, it can't just disappear.
It evidently has. You owe us 600.
600? Is that all? Oh.
Hello? Get me my bank manager.
I've never heard anything like it,
kicking up a fuss about a trifle like that.
- That's the trouble with you small firms.
- (Telephone)
Hello? This is Benjamin speaking.
What's this nonsense about me having
no money in my account?
A cheque was drawn at 9:03
this morning for 5,000,
payable to a Charlotte Rousseau.
I say, that...that was for 50, not 5,000!
Phew.
There's no object
in my staying any longer.
No doubt we shall meet again -
at the assizes.
Ooh, I don't feel well.
- Did you give that woman a cheque?
- The Baroness?
That's one of Slessor's girlfriends.
- He did this. Look for him.
- What do you think I've been doing?
One of the boys will know where he is.
Yes! If I find him and get the money back
I'll be clear.
I don't know about that
but it'll help pay for your defence.
We've been nursing a viper
in our bosom, and we've been stung.
Slessor's absconded with the entire
funds of the Blackdown Trust.
- The dirty dog!
- Double-crossing swab!
- The rat.
- Does anyone know Slessor's hideout?
- It's at Slim Charlie's.
- Where's that?
- Creek Street, Limehouse.
- I'll go now.
Charlie won't let strangers in, he's
one of the biggest fences in London.
- The biggest what?
- Fences.
I don't care if he's got a brick wall!
- I can tunnel under it!
- Get out of it.
No, a fence is a receiver
of stolen property.
Pretend you're on business,
sell him something cheap.
- I haven't got anything to sell him.
- Sell him this.
Right. Good gracious!
Why, it's that woman's tirara!
- So it is!
- There y'are, you can slip that to him.
- It's not mine, that'd be stealing.
- That's how she got it.
All you've gotta do is offer him that for
a tenner and he'll be your friend for life.
Don't be silly, I can't go to a stranger
and offer him somebody's tirara for 10.
Not likely. Why, it's worth 1210s
of anybody's money!
- (# Circus tune)
- (Cheering)
(Rants and raves incoherently)
Hi, you!
Me no Hi-Yu, me Hi-Hang!
(# Piano)
(Coughs)
(Clears throat)
What do you want?
Well, erm, a penny doughnut, please.
- I'm waiting for a very old friend of mine.
- Oh?
Yes, a man called Slender Charles.
You mean Slim Charlie?
Yes, yes, Slim Charlie, but I always
call him Slender Charles for short.
- Well, I'm Slim Charlie.
- (Man) Slim? Customer.
Coming.
I say, surely you're not the little
slim Charlie I went to school with.
I never went to school.
That accounts for it,
that's why I didn't recognise you.
I say, how's your fencing going on?
What's your game?
Put them back. Do you want to get us
all pinched here?
- Where are you from?
- Blackdown, I got out this morning.
Where'd you swipe them rocks?
Well, er, I swapped...swept...I swept 'em
on the way up.
You work fast, don't ya?
Have you ever heard of Lightning Ben?
- You went to school with him too?
- No, I am Lightning Ben.
- Say, who do you know?
- Well, Sykes and Bates and old Slessor.
- Max Slessor?
- Yes, does that make me a member?
Let me look at that again.
- How much do you want?
- 15.
I must see Slessor first. Half of it's his.
Up the stairs and in the back.
- Want some more coffee, Maxy?
- No time. Get your coat on.
(Knocking on door)
Come in.
- What are you doing here?
- Are you on your own?
Er, yes, I was just passing,
thought I'd drop in and see you.
- What for?
- Well, I've come for my money.
- Have you?
- Yes. You have got it?
- Yes, thanks.
- How about giving it back?
- What?
- I know you gave way to temptation
but give me the money, come back
to prison and we'll say no more.
Isn't that sweet?
I wouldn't like to see
anything happen to you
but if you push your nose into my
business I'll push it back into your face.
Wait a minute! Where are you going?
Wait! Wait!
Here, come here!
I insist on having it,
I promised the boys.
- Get rid of him, Charlie.
- OK. (Whistles)
So long, Sniffy.
Give my love to the boys.
No, you don't, Slessor.
You thought you'd get away with it, eh?
Well, we've come for the money.
Oh, yes? Well, try and get it.
Chuck 'em out, Charlie!
Now, boys, boys!
(# Piano plays circus tune)
- Hello, guv!
- Who said you could leave Blackdown?
Nobody, but somebody had to
drive the boys up in the Black Maria.
- Who let 'em out?
- I did. Lucky for you I thought of it.
- Are they all out?
- No, only ten of us.
- (Woman screams)
- Hey, Jerry!
- Hey, hey, hey, where are you going?
- To the bedroom.
- Hey? What?
- To lock her in!
That's all right, then.
Come straight back! Johnson!
- This is the lot.
- I wanna count it.
No, we have to get this
back to the bank.
- It'll be shut.
- We've got the talent to open it up.
- Without a trace.
- Bust open a bank? That's dishonest!
We'll do nothing dishonest.
- We're merely putting the money back.
- Putting it back?
- Yes.
- Won't your union object?
- If we don't, you'll get pinched.
- Do we bust the bank - yes or no?
Well, under the circumstances,
perhaps you could bust it just a little.
- Right.
- Good.
Hello? Get me the police.
- 'Ere! Blimey, you gone crazy?
- I know what I'm doing.
Hello? This is Slim Charlie's.
(Muffled groaning)
In here, Governor.
Keep close to the wall
till I pull the blind down.
Now get to work.
You keep watch through the letter box.
If you see anything suspicious, tell me.
What if I don't see anything suspicious?
What do you mean? If you don't see
anything, keep it to yourself. Go on.
Let go! I'm the one to open it,
I've opened millions.
- I break-a the safe or I break-a your neck!
- Oh, will ya?
Hey, boys, boys, quiet, quiet.
What's all this about?
- I'm the man for this job.
- He could not open a tin of spaghetti.
- I don't eat spaghetti!
- Sh!
I'll settle this.
Eeny, meeny, miney, mo,
let's see who'll put back the dough.
Eeny, meeny, miney, mo,
out you go.
- Who won?
- Me.
- Congratulations.
- Oh, maestro!
Here - Benjamin, page 29.
Here it is.
- Everything all right, Johnson?
- OK, guv.
- 'Ello!
- What are you doing?
Looking through the letter box,
like you said.
What's the idea of looking in?
You said to look for
something suspicious.
- (Knocking)
- Anybody there?
No!
Look through the letter box, you fool!
- Do you see anything?
- Yes, a policeman's belt.
It's a policeman, boys.
- Hey, hey, where are you going?
- Sh! I'm gonna have a look.
- Who is it?
- Sh! It's Albert.
- Who?
- Albert.
Well, what are we whispering for?
Come down and let him in.
(Operator) 'Number, please.
Number, please.
'What number is it you want?
Hello. Hello.'
Limehouse Police Station, quick!
- Who's keeping watch?
- He is.
Fat lot of use he is.
You'd better patrol outside.
- Can't somebody else do that?
- They're too busy. Hurry up.
And take PC Shorthouse with you.
But he doesn't look like a policeman.
Can't you stand on a box?
Aah. Nice evening.
Keep your eyes skinned.
You look that way and I'll look this.
- Much nicer out here, isn't it?
- Pardon, sir?
Oh, I thought you were Jerry.
You all look alike in those uniforms.
- Do we, sir?
- Yes.
- You look well in that, it suits you.
- Thank you, sir.
It might be an idea, when you leave us,
to go straight.
- Go straight, sir?
- Yes.
Well, if the idea doesn't appeal to you.
Boys are making a neat job, aren't they?
- Job?
- Yes.
Oh, you mean the bank.
Be fine when it's finished.
Oh, that won't be long,
they'll soon have it open.
Open? But it's been open six months.
Oh?
You're new to this district,
aren't you, sir?
- Yes. Why, have you been here before?
- I've been on this beat five years.
Five yea... Oh.
- What division are you from, sir?
- Division?
Er, oh, third division.
- Third division?
- Er, yes.
We were relegated last season.
My team... My platoon is at Limehouse.
I know lots of Limehouse men, sir.
Funny I haven't seen you before.
You must meet a lot of people.
I shouldn't forget you, sir. You're the first
officer I've met wearing glasses.
Oh. Oh, yes. I just found those,
I was trying them on
to see if they'd go on.
(Clears throat)
Er, well, you ought to be
getting back on your beat.
This is my beat, right round the block.
Oh, of course, yes. Wouldn't you like to
go and beat round the back?
Yes. Yes, I suppose you're right, sir.
- Good night, sir.
- Good night.
- (Coughs) Good night.
- Good night, sir.
- 'Ere, I want to tell you something.
- What?
That man you were speaking to -
he was a policeman!
Get out of it!
That's the cheque - 5,000.
And the covering letter.
That 5,000 back, it breaks my heart.
Hey! Let's see your identification card.
- What's the idea?
- Keep your eyes open,
there's crooks loose in police uniform.
- Where'd they get uniforms?
- Limehouse.
'Ere, quick, second on the right!
Go on, hurry, hurry.
Quick march!
(# All whistle circus tune)
- (Car approaching)
- What's that?
The cops!
Come on, run faster!
- Come on! Hurry up! Go on!
- Hurry up.
Ooh, it's a tunnel! We can go down there!
All right. Albert, you go first,
see if the ladder stays.
(Albert yawns)
'Ere, what about my fare?
- How much is it?
- 9/19/3.
- Charge it to the Home Office.
- What?
Find the others,
see what they did with Slessor,
and tell them not a word about last night.
(Animated chatter)
Oh.
Oh, good morning, gentlemen.
Morning, miss. Hello, Cyril.
Don't "Cyril" me!
I've some questions for you.
Why did you leave this prison
without supervision?
I thought it'd be all right. I shut the gate.
And I've instituted the honour system.
- With criminals?
- Why not? "Honour among thieves".
You should practise more honour
in your personal affairs.
Look at these cheques! 900 rd!
Is this your honour system - issuing
cheques with no balance to meet them?
Ah, that's where you're wrong.
Get me my bank manager, please.
He's trying to get me? Put him through.
I don't know what to say, Mr Benjamin.
'We have verified that you have
a substantial balance to your credit.'
I can't see how the mistake arose.
Oh, that's all right, don't apologise.
Accidents happen. Good morning.
I hope you're satisfied now.
- Get in here!
- I tell ya! I tell ya, I swear!
This way! Beg pardon, Sir Cyril,
but it's good you're here.
I've been locked up all night by him
so he could allow ten convicts to escape.
This is the last straw! You've not only
turned the prison into a funfair,
you've released dangerous criminals.
- They promised to come back.
- You're a menace to public safety.
I'll have you put away! Arrest him.
(Cheering)
What the devil's happening now?
Come on, you double-crosser!
- (Jeering)
- It's unbelievable, I take back all I said.
Here we are, boys!
(Cheering)
Look who's here, Governor -
the prodigal son!
- How's the baroness?
- (Growls)
Speech, Governor! Speech!
- Come now, Governor, it's your triumph.
- Care to say a few words?
Well, boys of Blackdown,
I don't know what to say to you.
(Sniffs) This is a very proud day for me.
- (Cheering)
- I think we've made a great step forward
in prison reform.
As a matter of fact, I believe that this
moment will go down in prison history.
(Screaming)
Oh dear! Oh dear.
- (Woman moaning)
- Are you all right?
You all right? Cor, there's a nice thing.
Jerry, show these gentlemen
to the bathroom.
Cop hold of this.
This way to the bathroom! Come along!
Ooh!
in St Michael's again!
And if your brother Benjamin
thinks he can live here
while he's out of work, he's mistaken.
Mummy, is Uncle Ben going to get it
in the neck again?
Shut up! Go and do your homework.
Alfie, put your slippers on.
If you've got an idea you're going
on a pub crawl tonight you're wrong.
Hello, Mabel. Hello, Alfred.
- Hello, Ben.
- Hello, kids, guess what I've got.
- The sack!
- Er... Oh.
No, I've brought you some sweets.
How long are you going to live on us
this time? Our lease runs out in 1945.
Oh, I shan't be here long, I'm in the
running for one or two appointments.
You'd better try and catch one,
or out you go.
We can't turn him out.
Yes, we can, then Freddie and me can
have the bed to ourselves.
Quiet, Jimmy.
- Read that.
- Oh, for me?
Found me already?
"In reply to your application"?
I didn't apply for this.
Some nosy parker been interfering?
- I applied for it.
- Oh, you did?
Oh. Oh, thank you very much, Mabel.
Well, 75 a year?
Do they know who they're writing to?
They can't do,
or they wouldn't have offered so much.
Well, at St Michael's I got 80 a year
and they threw my laundry in.
Benjamin Twist, either you apply for that
job or you don't sleep here tonight.
Oh. Oh, very well.
In that case, I'd better be going.
- Going? Where to?
- To bed.
That means our bed!
Mabel, if I didn't know you better...
Go away! ..I should be inclined to form
the opinion that I wasn't welcome here!
Wait, boys, it's my turn for the middle!
I had the broken spring last night. Hey!
- Oh, I'm sorry, I'm sorry.
- Sorry you ought to be.
Are you an applicant
for this backward boys' school?
Do I look sap enough
to be a schoolmaster?
Oh, no.
You haven't seen
the prisons commission?
No, I've been fortunate.
Oh, on the board? No, I haven't.
You look down that side for mine
and I'll look here for yours.
Two eyes are better than one.
- Sorry, guvnor.
- Just a minute, just a minute.
Here, you can't take property like that!
- Recognise it?
- Yeah, it's like mine.
It is mine! What are you doing with it?
- He just picked your pocket!
- Oh, did he?
No, I found it, I was taking it
to the police.
Ah, I knew he had an honest face.
I've seen honest faces like that
in Australian prisons for 17 years.
- My, what a long sentence.
- Sentence? I was prison governor.
- Watch him while I fetch a policeman.
- Yes.
I say, don't be long!
Good day, gentlemen, good day.
Good day.
It's a waste of time seeing all these
people. Benjamin's the one we want.
That last applicant seemed charming.
We don't want charm in prison,
we want discipline.
We're getting low on the list.
I want to see Benjamin. He's done
wonderful work in Australian prisons.
(Laughs)
I say, this is rather embarrassing.
Would you mind pretending
we know each other? I'm Twist.
- Twister!
- Eh?
I didn't know you
without your mortar board.
Remember me?
I'm Bates, Bates minor, of St Michael's.
Bates! Of course it is!
- Glad to see you!
- Haven't seen you for ages.
- How are you?
- Very well.
How's your father?
Eight o'clock, last Tuesday morning.
Tuesday? Well, he had a nice day for it.
Mr Benjamin? Mr Benjamin?
- Mr Benjamin?
- Did you say Benjamin?
- Are you Benjamin?
- Yes, Dr Benjamin T...
Could you step this way?
The board are waiting.
Well, Twister, I won't keep you.
I gotta go too.
- Ta-ta.
- So long.
- I say, Bates!
- Please, Mr Benjamin, you're late.
- He's got my...
- Mr Benjamin, they're waiting.
- I'm told he's rather harsh.
- That's what we want.
- Mr Benjamin, sir.
- Ah, glad they found you.
Good morning, gentlemen. Miss.
I'm Sir Cyril Blakeney Burke.
How do you do, Benjamin?
Very well, thank you...Cyril.
- Miss Humphreys, Mr Salter, Mr Jones.
- Pleased to meet you.
- Won't you sit down?
- Yes, thank you.
So you're from down under?
Er, yes, yes, I came up in the lift.
Oh! Ha-ha-ha! Very good.
I've just been examining your records.
Oh. Well, you must make allowances
for a certain amount of prejudice.
You qualified in a pretty tough school.
Oh, not tough. Playful, perhaps.
Blackdown is no kindergarten.
It's a long-term establishment.
I don't care how long terms are,
as long as I get Christmas off.
Holidays won't be your worry -
these fellows are a difficult bunch.
- Some have been there 20 years.
- My, they must be backward.
I'm sure you can
knock some sense into them.
Do you believe in corporal punishment?
What, thrashings? Not 'arf. Er, yes.
Was there much of it at your last place?
On the average, about five a day.
I take it you all feel as I do
about Benjamin.
I'm afraid we're unanimous.
Well, can't be helped.
Good morning, gentlemen, miss.
One moment. We want your signature.
- Signature?
- Agreeing to our terms.
- I've got the job?
- Of course!
- Smith, get the agreement.
- Yes, sir.
Hey, you, I've been delayed downstairs.
I'm sorry but the vacancy has been filled.
- I came from Australia for this!
- I'm sorry.
- Sorry be hanged!
- What about that...
- I demand to see the board.
- The vacancy has been filled.
- I want to see them!
- Constable!
- What's this?
- Mind your own business.
We don't want no disturbance. Outside!
If that's how they treat people
I shall go back on the first boat.
Sign here, Benjamin.
- (Sir Cyril) Oh.
- I always do it like that,
makes it hard to forge.
- Splendid.
- Wait, I haven't put the Twist on.
- What twist?
- The Twist on the end.
- Do you always put a twist on?
- Invariably, yes. Benjamin Twist.
- Is it necessary?
- I never sign without the Twist.
How amusing! In future, I shall always
think of you as Mr Benjamin Twist!
(All laugh)
What's so funny about that?
(All roar with laughter)
Here it is, Blackdown.
Good heavens, it's in Devon!
That's 200 miles.
Oh, we'll have to stop and fill up.
I know the very place,
down the road here.
(Both sing drunkenly) # In Devonshire
county they haven't a care!
# All along, down along, out along lee
# For I want to go to Widecombe Fair
# With Bill Brewer, Peter Gurney
# Jan Stewer
# Peter Gurney, Peter Davy
# Jan Stewer
# And Uncle Tom Cobley and all!
# And Uncle Tom Cobley and all! #
We're here.
- Blackdown.
- Where's Blackdown?
- It's in Devon.
- Wrong! Next boy.
No, this is the place where you get out.
Oh, oh, oh.
- Is this the school?
- Yes.
Oh.
Ahh.
- Well-built place, innit?
- Yes.
I must get this bell attended to.
- Well, good night, old boy.
- Good night.
Hey, hey, you can't undress here.
I'm headmaster, I can do what I like.
Oh, well. Good night.
Ah.
(Clatter)
(Car engine)
Hey!
Hey.
Hurry up there, hurry up. That way.
Oh, pardon me, could you direct me to...
- Come on, follow me!
- Thank you very much.
- Good evening.
- Sit down!
Thank you.
(Alarm bell rings)
(Shouting)
Now, boys, boys, stop this noise!
I won't have any noise.
Boys!
Boys, behave yourselves! Behave!
Hey, stop this rowdy-ism!
And that goes for all of you!
Move an inch and you're for it.
It's a break, boys!
- It is a break.
- Come on!
(Crashing, shouting)
Come on, get in there, the lot of you.
You'll be sorry for this.
One, two, three,
four, five, six,
seven, eight, nine... ten.
- How many are they?
- Ten.
One, two, three... That's the lot.
That lets me out. Thanks for the party.
Good night. Sit down!
(Guard) Come on.
Jim Cullis.
- Five years, robbery with violence.
- Mistaken identity.
Yeah, we've got 200 of those here.
- Come on.
- Smudge Dempsey.
Are you going?
Where's Jim and Charlie?
Inside, they came over drowsy.
- No wonder! Well, good night.
- Good night!
Ah, Smith. Back again, eh?
Take him away.
And the last, Maximilian Slessor.
Seven years, forgery.
- Slessor! Slessor!
- (Snores)
Jimmy, keep your feet out of my back.
- You'll have me out of bed.
- Slessor!
Hey? Hey? Yes?
Oh. Oh, hello, porter. Do I get out here?
Yes, but not for another seven years.
Seven years? (Tuts) This train is late.
If I didn't know it was impossible
I'd swear he'd been drinking.
- There's a medical note.
- Oh, yes.
"Suspected of being mentally
unbalanced. Keep under observation."
Oh, I see. All right, take him away.
Come on, Slessor, wake up.
Time for bed.
What? What? Bed?
Oh, bed? Oh, bed, bed.
'Ere, is my bedroom near my study?
Your bedroom's in your study.
Ooh, good. Combined room, eh?
(Man) Hey, wake up! What's the idea?
Who's in charge of this corridor?
- I am, sir.
- Get your men up!
- Yes!
- It's two minutes past six!
Come on, wake up!
- All of you!
- (Men groaning)
Hup! Hey, where do you think
you are, the Ritz?
Come on, show a leg.
(Truncheon rattles)
(Men groaning and yawning)
Hey, copper, come here!
- Come on, come on.
- What's the matter with you?
No impertinence, I know the law. I've
been in better police stations than this.
- Who's responsible for me being here?
- You are!
- You've been a very naughty boy.
- Oh dear. Oh, have I?
- Who's on the bench this morning?
- Oh, shut up!
Hey, hey, come here. Was I very bad?
Bad? It took five of us to bath you!
I haven't been bathed since I was a kid!
- No? That's what we thought.
- I don't want any impudence!
Call my brother-in-law, Alfred Bates,
he'll bail me out.
Shut up or I'll get the head screw on you.
Hey, come here!
You say you won't do it?
I demand a proper drunkenness test.
I'll show you I'm sober.
You get the doctor immediately.
Go on, go and get him! Go on!
Go on! And send over
some eggs and bacon.
- Hey, anything wrong?
- 99's acting queer.
- Says he wants a doctor.
- 99?
That's Max Slessor, fella who made
all that trouble at Parkhurst.
Crazy as a coot.
I'll send the doctor along.
Good morning, Doctor.
Truly rural, truly constitutional.
Around the rogged ricks... The rigged...
Around the rigged racks...
Around the racks...
Around the rogged...
It's on the tip of me tongue. Around
the rigged rocks, the ragged rascal...
- Anyway, I'm as sober as a judge.
- Of course you are. Let's take it quietly.
Say this after me - I serenely submit
to the seven-year servitude
that I stand sentenced to by the state.
Blimey, it's a bit ess-y. Well, I'll have
a trot at it. Wish I had me other teeth.
I serenely submit
to the seven-year servitude
I stand se... I can't say that!
They'll think I am doing seven years.
Quite right. Keep that thought
in the back of your mind.
Hey, you can't leave me here like this!
I know a fella that knows an MP.
I'll have a question asked in the House.
Yes. Hey, what am I gonna do?
You finish marking out the floor and
I'll come back for a game of hopscotch.
Hey, come here!
You can't treat me like this! I'll write to
the Home Secretary! Bring me a stamp!
I'll take the law into my own hands, then.
I won't stay here another minute!
Horace! Call the gentleman a taxi!
- Oh, the gentleman wants to go home!
- Taxi! Taxi!
Party C3, halt!
Get to work.
Come on, 99, get on with your work!
Where do you think you are?
Well, I shouldn't be here at all.
Last time I got drunk
they only fined me ten bob.
- Shut up and get on with your work!
- This is worse than the Dreyfus case.
I am a Briton - red, white and blue
still mean something to me.
- Deputy governor's coming.
- Get the men working full speed.
If you don't want trouble,
get on with your work!
Swing your hammer, man!
I said swing it!
Oh dear.
So it's mutiny, eh?
This means solitary confinement for you.
Take him away!
Come on, get going!
(Squeaking)
(Barking)
(Quacking)
- There's a church.
- (Thud)
- There's a steeple.
- (Thud)
Open the doors and there's the people.
- 'Ello!
- Oh, hello. Good gracious. Who are you?
I'm Jerry the Mole, your neighbour.
I've just burrowed in to see you.
Well, you can just burrow off again.
Why? Don't you want me, then?
This is a solitary confinement cell,
it's private. (Sniffs)
All right, Sniffy,
I know where I ain't welcome.
Hey, you can't leave a hole like that,
they'll blame it on me.
No, they'll know it's me, I've got tunnels
everywhere. Perfect pest, I am!
I've undermined the whole foundations.
Do they know about these tunnels?
- Some they do, some they don't.
- Well, they'll know about this one.
That? Don't count,
it's only an afternoon's work.
I've got a big tunnel
runs under the kitchen, round the sewer,
- through the cesspool, up the drain...
- Healthy.
..and out past the main gates.
If I burrow up I shall come out
in the middle of the main road.
That's silly, you'll get run over.
Oh dear, hadn't thought of that.
You could come out
on a pedestrian crossing.
That's right. I've been working
on that tunnel for 40 years.
40 years? How long are you in for?
- Another couple of weeks.
- Well, you'd better hurry up and escape.
- Yeah, I mustn't waste any time.
- No. (Sniffs)
- 'Ere, Sniffy, like to escape with me?
- No, not me.
- Why not?
- I haven't got 40 years to spare.
With me you'll be out in two days.
Coming?
- Where?
- The bathroom, where the tunnel starts.
- How do we get there?
- Call the warder, I'll tell you what to say.
Warder! Yoo-hoo!
Warder! Warder!
Louder.
- Warder! Yoo-hoo!
- (Banging)
Warder!
- Er, I want to go to the bathroom.
- What?
- (Mouths)
- No, I mean I don't want to go.
- You trying to be funny?
- No.
- Well, what are you talking about?
- I thought I did but I don't.
- Sorry you've been troubled.
- You spoiled everything!
- I did what you said.
- I hadn't finished.
Call the warder,
tell him you heard me escaping.
Oh!
Warder! Warder!
- (Pounding)
- Hey, Warder! Here!
Warder!
- Now what is it?
- He's escaping from next door.
- Who's escaping?
- Er, Jerry the... Jerry the Rabbit.
- Who?
- Mole.
- Er, Mole.
- What?!
Here, stand up here.
Take this here, stand up.
Turn round, shut your eyes.
- When I say go, drop it.
- Why do I shut me eyes?
So you don't see how I do it. They shut?
- Yes.
- Ready? Go!
- Can I open me eyes now?
- Yes.
Right. Hey, hey!
- Hey, who did that?
- You did!
Wait a minute, if there's any trouble with
that I'll say I did it with me eyes shut.
All right, go on.
- Psst! Where you going?
- The bathroom.
Not that way. Stick to me.
Do you want the cat?
What do we want with cats
at a time like this?
Here it is, nobody's touched it.
Proper cunning, innit?
- What is it?
- Our disguise.
- Our what?
- Our disguise.
We get in that.
What do you want me to do,
make a noise like a cup and saucer?
There you are, in you go.
Ready? Pull!
Get down, he's coming.
(Groaning)
I must say, you've made a good job.
- Thank you, sir.
- Very good.
- Move back.
- I can't, there's a hole or something.
Hop! Hop! Come on, pick 'em up there.
Pick 'em up. One-two, hop-hop,
one-two, hop-hop.
One-two... Come on, pick 'em up, 99.
Hop-hop, one-two.
In answer to your repeated inquiries,
I can only say that the new governor
has not yet arrived.
Er, in the meantime you can assure Sir
Cyril that the prison is running smoothly
under the direction
of your obedient servant.
- That's all.
- (Telephone)
Hello? Hello, yes.
Scotland Yard on the phone, sir.
Hello, deputy governor speaking.
Why didn't you tell us
a prisoner had escaped?
Escaped? We've had no one escape.
What prisoner?
Max Slessor.
We picked him up this morning.
(Chuckles) Slessor's here.
You've got the wrong man!
We don't make mistakes
about old customers like Slessor.
(Laughs)
I can actually see Slessor
from where I am now.
One of us is seeing double.
We'll send him back anyway.
It's no use returning him
when we've already got him.
What? Is that so?
You can do the same with Scotland Yard!
Darn cheek. Making mistakes and
blaming us. When did Slessor arrive?
Three days ago. He's one of the ten
that came on Tuesday,
the day the new governor
should've taken over.
(Whispers) The governor!
If they've got Slessor,
that convict might be...
Come on!
Hop-hop, one-two...
- 99, just a minute.
- Don't talk to me, I'll get in trouble.
- I want a word with you.
- Oh. What have I done now?
Does the name Sir Cyril Blakeney Burke
mean anything to you?
What, old Cyril? I should say so.
- So you know Sir Cyril?
- Of course!
He's responsible for this, in a way.
If he hadn't given me the job
I wouldn't be in this mess.
It's disgraceful. I take something
for me cold, and you shove me in prison.
Even in Russia you get a fair trial.
Hop-hop, one-two...
Someone's made a dreadful bloomer.
Bloomer?
There's been bloomers all along!
Rate-paying citizen stuck in prison,
made to crack rocks! Look at my blisters.
- With chilblains, I could've told you.
- How?
Silence! Take this man back to his cell.
- My dear Benjamin...
- Oh, Benjamin is it now?
I only allow my friends
to call me Benjamin. 99 to you.
- Sir Cyril on the phone, sir.
- Ah.
I understand how you feel.
If you'll come to the office
I'll try to rectify this ghastly blunder.
About time too!
Oh.
Hello. Hello, is that you, Sir Cyril?
Yes, Mr Benjamin has just arrived.
Just arrived? I like that!
Tell him what's happened.
- Everything is quite all right.
- Oh, no, it's not!
Let me talk to him! I've been locked up!
What's going on? Sounds like a
dogfight. Let me speak to Benjamin.
Don't argue!
- He wants to speak to you.
- I should think so too.
Hello, Cyril, this is Ben.
Where were you?
Why didn't you take over on Tuesday?
Take over? I didn't get a chance!
They shoved me in the clink.
Solitary confinement!
You mean you've been locked up?
Incredible. Why did you stand for it?
Well, there were hundreds of 'em.
- What have you done about it?
- Well, I'm out, aren't I?
Fire that fool Robinson immediately.
Are you that fool Robinson?
Well, I can't do that.
I don't know him well enough.
Oh, all right. It's your turn.
Yes, sir. Yes, this is Robinson speaking.
Yes, sir.
(Sighs)
I can't believe it.
After 30 years' solid service,
I'm fired.
Oh, well, easy come, easy go.
- Mr Benjamin.
- Mm?
I appeal to you to do the right thing
in the right quarter.
The right quarter. I'd be delighted to.
Turn round.
- Ooh!
- Your clothes, sir.
- I brought them myself, sir.
- Thank you very much.
- That's a nasty lump on your head.
- This, sir? A mere bagatelle.
- Looks more like a billiard ball.
- This came for you, sir.
Withholding my correspondence?
Another indignity.
- Are you taking over immediately, sir?
- Yes.
- Where is the school?
- School?
Oh, you mean the instruction room?
No, the school for backward...
Good gracious.
John D Benjamin?
Benjamin.
How amusing! In future, I shall always
think of you as Mr Benjamin Twist!
(All laugh)
What's so funny about that?
(All roar with laughter)
Well, there's nothing funny about that.
Now, 52s into 2,000 won't go.
Four fives are 29, throw away the two
nothings, come back Peter, carry one...
Lumme, that's over 30 a week.
Are you feeling all right, sir?
Oh, yes, yes. Where was I?
Well, you were asking me
about a school, sir.
School? Yes, that's right. Is there a
school for backward boys around here?
Well, this is the only place
for backward boys around here, sir.
Yes. I say, tell me - do Cyril and
the others come down very often?
Very seldom. They were here last spring.
They should be about due again.
Very unlikely, sir, they won't be here
for another three years.
Oh, really? Yes.
Three twos are six, that makes 6,000.
- That's a long time.
- (Knock)
- Yes?
- Can you come to the dining hall?
- Why?
- They want the new governor.
Calling for me, eh? That's very touching.
I'll get changed,
I won't keep them waiting.
Very nice of them to welcome me.
(All chant) We want the governor!
We want the governor!
We want the governor!
We want the governor!
(Chanting continues)
- Boys!
- We want the governor!
We want the governor!
Boys! Quiet!
- We want the governor!
- Quiet! Remember where you are!
(Thunderous crash)
That's better. Go back to your places.
Remember, you've got a new governor.
- Well, bring him in!
- Yes, I will.
- I'm the new governor!
- (Laughter)
Hear that? This is the new governor!
(Laughs) Good old Sniffy!
He ain't half a card!
Shut up, you!
- (Laughter)
- I am the new governor.
(Laughter)
- That's Sniffy.
- Never mind about that.
- They appointed me governor.
- What for?
2,000 a yea... I mean, because they...
I don't want any argument!
Get off that table. If this is your idea
of a welcome, I don't like it.
Well, see how you like this.
(Laughter)
Who threw that?
Come on, own up! Who threw it?
I did.
- What did you do that for?
- I thought you'd like to taste it.
Oh, I see, you were throwing it to me.
For a minute I thought
you were throwing it at me.
Well, boys, what did you
want to see me about?
- We want better grub!
- And better conditions!
- And better treatment!
- And see that we get it!
(All cheering)
Quiet, boys, quiet.
There's nothing you can tell me about
the prison. I've studied it from the inside.
(Laughter)
As governor, I will change things.
I shall make this a prison
fit for Englishmen to live in.
(All) Hooray!
You boys will share the responsibility
and help me run this prison.
My first act is to form
a management committee.
(All) Hooray!
And I'm going to allow you all
to follow your own occupation.
(All) Hooray!
I want you to look upon these walls
not as a device to keep you in
but as a barrier to keep the riffraff out.
(Wild cheering)
(Men arguing)
(Knocking) Order!
(Raps table) Order!
- (All fall silent)
- Thank you.
Well, gentlemen, I've very much pleasure
in declaring this meeting open.
I feel honoured that you should invite me
to take the chair.
(Man) Hear, hear.
I'm grateful for your support.
As you know, I'm breaking new ground.
Breaking new ground? Where?
- What are you doing here?
- Committee secretary.
Well, shut up and put down the minutes.
Now, I've got here a list of reforms
which I'd like to propose.
You're out of order.
Chairman can't propose.
- Why not?
- Because it's out of order.
All right, I've a list of reforms
I'd like to second.
- You're still out of order.
- Better get yourself seen to.
- Listen, you just put down the minutes.
- Done it.
- Where?
- There. Two and a half minutes.
No, you put down what we say!
It's this old fool that's out of order.
It's you that's out of order -
the chairman can't second.
I may as well not be here. I can't propose
or second. What can I do?
Nothing, it's all been done.
Oh, well, am I allowed to know what?
All you've got to do is put it to the vote.
Oh, well, all right. All those in favour.
- In favour of what?
- The proposition.
- We haven't had one.
- Aw!
How can you vote? You can't vote
on nothing. Anybody got a proposition?
I propose that the reforms
mentioned on this list
be carried in toto, en bloc.
- I'll second that.
- All in favour?
Carried. Put that down, Jerry.
I can't have this!
I don't know what's on that list.
You don't have to,
you're only the chair.
I demand that list be read out in toto,
en bloc, and no missing anything out.
All right. First item - beds.
I propose that we have
softer mattresses.
(All shout in agreement)
Yes, yes, good idea, put it down.
Wait. It hasn't been seconded.
Do I write
the seconds and the minutes?
- How do I know? I'm only the chair.
- I second it.
- You seconded the last one.
- I second everything!
- All right.
- I propose a vote of thanks to the chair.
- (All) Hear, hear.
- Oh, do you?
I've an amendment -
you keep the chair! It's no good to me.
- I can't do anything.
- You've got the casting vote!
- The what?
- The casting vote.
If we all agree to something
then you vote for it.
That's all right then. I thought you were
leaving me out of everything.
Put that down. Now, go on, what's next?
(Bells chiming)
(Men yawning)
- 8:30, gentlemen.
- (Birdsong)
- Time to get up.
- Tea, coffee, cocoa.
- Tea, coffee, cocoa.
- (Bells chiming)
Tea, coffee, cocoa.
- Tea, coffee, cocoa.
- I could do with a pint.
- Wait till supper.
- I'll report this to the committee!
Tea, coffee, cocoa. Tea, coffee, cocoa.
Tea, coffee, cocoa.
- Albert! Tea, four lumps.
- (Bird singing)
- Good. My bath ready?
- Why all these baths?
I want that schoolgirl complexion
all over. Open up, governor's orders.
- Morning.
- Morning, Governor!
- Good morning, boys.
- Morning, Governor.
- Your cold better?
- Yes, thanks.
- 'Ello, Governor!
- Morning.
- Morning, Governor.
- Good morning.
Say, what's all this?
- Committee's orders.
- Oh, good.
- Oh, did you say he could have a bath?
- Certainly.
Cleanliness is next to godliness.
Oh, you mean him? Certainly not.
- Oh, go on, Sniffy.
- Don't call me that.
You can't take liberties
because you knew me before I got on.
What harm's a bath gonna do you?
None, but the shock would kill you.
And I know why you want a bath.
You want to escape down the plughole.
- It's a tunnel.
- I don't care, you're not going there.
Not having any of that
Monte Cristo business here.
Bring it into my office,
we'll have a nice cup of cocoa.
Mind the paintwork. Go on, push. To me!
Come on!
- Don't jerk it, you're spilling the milk.
- Now you've got it stuck.
Hey, you've got customers.
Customers or not, we can't leave it here!
- Oh.
- Reporting two new arrivals, sir.
Bates!
- Twister!
- What are you doing here?
- 18 months. What did you get?
- Silence.
Speak when you're spoken to.
Say sorry to the governor.
Governor? Have you given up school?
Speak when you're spoken to!
He means the school I had
before I left Australia.
- Australia? You've never...
- I don't want any alibis.
You've been sent here by a good judge.
Make Mr Bates comfortable.
Give him a room on the east wing
overlooking the moors, ground floor.
- How do we get out?
- Same way as I got in. Mind the cups.
Next, please.
- Max Slessor, 99.
- What do you mean, "99"?
- Oh, you mean him?
- Yes, he broke jail four days ago.
Did he? Did you put sugar in?
He's the bloke that got you jugged.
Oh, so you're the scoundrel!
- Shut up, ya...!
- Playing hooky, eh?
Do you realise that by clearing off you
got someone else into serious trouble?
- Put a sock in it!
- So that's your attitude, is it?
For that you can write 100 times "I must
not leave others holding the baby".
You take me for a bloomin' schoolkid?!
All right, now you'll do it 500 times!
Take him away, and mind the cups.
(Mutters angrily)
Why didn't you think of
doing it that way?
Oh, well, now to work.
Oh dear, I shall have to
talk to those cleaners.
Dirty thumb marks over everything.
They're fingerprint charts.
Oh, is that what they are? Oh, I see.
- Leave the desk alone.
- I didn't do anything.
Well, don't lean on it.
Now, listen, I shan't tell you
a second time.
(Crash)
- Is there anything in that cocoa?
- Of course not!
Do you see what I see?
Blimey!
(Coughing and spluttering)
Why, it's Jerry the Ferret.
(Coughs)
- Am I out?
- Out, you old fool?
You're in the governor's office!
(Screams)
(Gibbering) Oh dear! Oh dear!
Governor's office! Governor's office!
(Benjamin) Hey!
- (Shrieking)
- What are you doing?
Out of my way!
(Gasps and moans)
40 years for...
40 years of hard work wasted!
- Hey, hey, look at that carpet!
- Eh?
Look at the carpet!
- Darn the carpet!
- Yeah, but who's gonna do it?
According to my plan there never
ought to have been any carpet.
I'll tell you where I was. I ought to be
here, in the middle of the main road!
All right, don't get upset,
you've just gone wrong somewhere.
- Now, where did you start from?
- The bathroom.
- I told you not to go there!
- Yes, but this was in 1897.
Oh, I see.
Then you went along this blue line?
That was before I reached the bathroom.
You said you started there.
I did this bit before I commenced.
If you commence before you start,
where do you begin?
In the bathroom!
Let's start from the beginning.
Now, in 1897, you had a bath.
That's right. In 1904 I reached the well.
- How did you know it was a well?
- I fell in.
- So in 1904 you had another bath?
- That's right.
You know, this looks like
Hampton Court maze.
What do you turn right here for?
- Where?
- In 1912.
- That's when I trod on me compass.
- Which foot did you tread on it with?
Yeah, yeah, it was me left foot.
Oh dear... What does it matter
which foot he trod on it with?
- Left, right, it's all the same.
- Only trying to help.
Well, hold this corner, help that way.
Let's start from the beginning and work
back. Where's the governor's office?
- Is that it?
- No. It doesn't show it.
Well, it must do!
Oh, no wonder - this was printed in 1890.
- What difference does that make?
- In 1903 the prison was rebuilt.
Oh dear, oh dear, nobody told me!
How could they when you're burrowing
among the plugholes?
Here's a new chart.
Let's have a look at that.
Yes, different thing altogether. There's
my office. And this is where you...
Come here, little mudlark.
- Yes?
- You know where you were in 1925?
- No, where?
- Two miles outside the prison walls.
What's this dead end?
That's where I crossed one of me own
tunnels and turned back.
All you had to do was catch the 4:20 -
that's the tunnel on the line to London.
You twerp.
Oh dear, oh dear, what shall I do?
You'd better go back to the bathroom
and start again. Take this junk with you.
Blimey, what's happened?
- What's happened?
- I must've struck oil.
Struck oil?
You've left the bathroom taps on!
Go on, get over there.
(Lively chatter)
Hey.
Here.
(Shouting)
- Hey, hey, hey, what's all this?
- Hang on, Governor, there's races on.
Hey, hey, stop it! Stop it!
I-I-I won't have this!
Hey, you up there! You up there! You!
Stop! Stop it!
Listen, I won't have it!
Hey, hey, you!
Favourite wins!
Hey, hey, wait!
Listen, I won't have gambling here!
Hey, you! You come here!
You give that money back,
I won't have gambling.
- Ah, go and tell the committee.
- I've a few other things to tell 'em too!
Well, what do you think?
Sunderland will walk it.
- OK.
- Put Chelsea down to win.
Don't be crazy, I've never seen them win.
You've not seen 'em for seven years.
- Say, what's all this?
- 'Ello, Governor.
What's your opinion of Coventry?
Coventry? Not a bad town.
Rather a lot of bicycles though.
No, we're filling out the football coupon.
Football coupon? I can't allow gambling.
And where will you get sixpence from?
- You're gonna lend us that.
- I am? I am not!
- Give me that at once.
- We might win a fortune!
Yes, but not with my sixpence.
Cast your eye over them bills.
30 feather beds, 15 tuck in Albert's
kiosk, football boots 5. What's all this?
- You're gonna pay for it.
- I never ordered them.
We did. You're chair
so you're responsible.
Where am I gonna get that money from?
If you could get 100
I could treble it for you in no time.
- How?
- At my job, operating the stock market.
Carbolics, 53 and a quarter,
70 by the end of the week.
- If you could make it 200...
- I haven't got 200.
And it'd be gambling, no better
than this football coupon.
And this only costs sixpence.
I'll think it over.
(Radio) 'Mansfield 2, Bristol City 0.
'Southport 1, Gateshead 2.'
We had that too!
If the last one's right, I'll cut my throat.
'York City 0...
'Hull City 1.'
- Every blinking one right!
- A fortune down the drain.
'..Millwall 4.
'Cardiff City...'
I'm gonna have words with Sniffy!
And what you can't think of, I'll say!
Look at that. Look at that!
- All come off, draws and all.
- We'd have won a fortune.
And you wouldn't put up a tanner!
No, there's no gambling in this prison
and I'm determined to set an example.
Guv! Guv! Guv! You've won! Look!
Brighton 4, Notts County 4!
Queen's Park Rangers 2, Aldershot 0...
What's the idea of busting in like this?
Wait till I send for you.
That football coupon you sent up,
you got the whole lot right!
- Get out!
- But look, Governor, look!
Er, he's only kidding.
So you're gonna set an example, eh?
You dirty, double-crossing...
You sent up our coupon
and never told us!
- I wanted to keep it as a surprise.
- It's our winnings!
- Our coupon!
- Our brains!
- Yes, but my tanner.
- (Angry shouting)
(Jeering and shouting)
Gentlemen, you don't understand.
I'm not keeping this money.
No. I've got all the bills
for the things the committee ordered,
and with the balance
I propose to form a trust
in charge of Mr Johnson here,
who'll invest it in Carbolic.
- (Jeering)
- Shut up, will ya?
It's our coupon,
why should we share it with the others?
- (All) Yeah!
- Quiet, quiet!
I think the governor's right.
Let's all share it, that's what I say.
- All those in favour.
- (Cheering)
Carried unanimously,
and no amendments.
(Shouting)
Phew.
- Got you out of that, didn't I, guv?
- Oh, yes, thank you, Bates.
Just a minute, what about my cut?
- Your cut? Have you cut yourself?
- Come off it, I want half that pool.
- Why should I give you half?
- To keep my mouth shut.
I've an idea you wangled this job,
Mr Benjamin. Or is it Mr Benjamin Twist?
I say, Bates, you wouldn't...
Wouldn't I? Well, 750 quid or else.
This amounts almost to blackmail.
- It is blackmail.
- Oh. Oh, is it?
Blackmail is a criminal offence
and if I have any more of it
you'll be thrown out of prison.
All right, but don't blame me
if you get kicked out like at St Michael's.
- What's that about St Michael's?
- That's my business.
Might be worth your while
to make it mine.
Buy 200 Imps, 500 Emits, 1,000 Anvers
Gold, 500 Venters. Sell 1,000 Livors.
Get rid of deferred 98s
and buy 500 Incorporated Nitrates.
Make it a thousand.
Cartwright?
Sell Carbolics but nothing under 77.
- What do you want?
- I thought you sent for me.
Oh, yes, yes, I want you
to attend to some transfers.
- What, stick 'em on something?
- No, no. These.
- I see. You want me to sign me name?
- No, I've done that. Just check them.
5,000 bushels a week.
Are they harvesting already?
No, it's not real wheat. We buy on paper
and if it rises we collect.
Oh, splendid. What happens if it falls?
- Then you pay up.
- What with?
The money's all in your account.
I can't afford 5,000 buckets a week.
Just do as you're told
and we'll be millionaires.
- How long will that take?
- Leave that to me.
- I know just how long I've got.
- So do I. Ten years.
I'm worried about me.
Suppose people stop eating bread?
- I'll be in one of those suits again.
- I'll leave you to it.
- I'm late for a committee meeting.
- Hey, wait. What about me? Hey!
- What about me? I'm the chairman.
- Oh, we shan't need you.
- Oh. Oh, I like that.
- Psst!
- Sh. I've got something to tell ya.
- What?
- They chucked me off the committee.
- Why?
I doodled on the minutes. There's
something else. They're having a party.
- Oh? We'll see about that.
- With girls.
Girls? Good. What?
I don't care, I think it's going too far.
What's wrong with having a few girls?
They've been in prison before.
You're anxious to have them. Why?
You're suspicious.
It's to give the boys a good time.
If the governor's sacked, it's killing
the bird that lays the golden egg.
There aren't gonna be any golden eggs,
or any birds.
I've given you quite enough rope
but you don't have to hang me.
You can lead a horse to the water
but there's no power on earth can...
Take your feet off my chair.
Now, just remember that.
Sorry. These ladies only made the offer
to brighten the drab lives of our men.
- But...
- They can mind their own business.
There's been enough brightening.
This is a respectable prison. I won't
have ladies here, whoever they are.
Who's this one?
That's the Baroness Charlotte Rousseau,
the prison reformer.
(Sniffs) Oh, shouldn't be surprised.
Well, how about Friday?
(# Waltz)
- 'Ere, what's your game?
- Hey, he's the secretary.
Ow!
Can we have this dance, love?
Charlie, don't be polite in that suit,
it's got to go back tomorrow.
All right, guv.
- Save that till you get on the floor.
- All right, guv.
'Ello!
- Thanks, pal.
- OK, mate.
Everything all right?
(French accent) They would not let me
bring clothes in.
Never mind. I'll think of something else.
- You know your part?
- Word perfect.
Where is he?
Come on, Millie, this is our dance.
- Excuse me!
- Yes, yes.
Oh, guv.
- Baroness Charlotte Rousseau.
- Good evening.
- How do you do, Baroness?
- Why, of all people!
Benjy! What a surprise!
- Yes, it is.
- You know each other?
Of course we do, we met in Australia!
How are you, my sweet?
Well, I'm very well, thank you,
but I don't recollect...
- Oh, you remember Australia?
- Australia...
- Yes!
- Er... Oh, yes, yes, of course,
big island in the...
the Mediterranean somewhere.
I see you two want to talk over old times.
Oh, yes, of course we do,
we had such wonderful times!
Remember the races
at Melbourne when Zero won?
- Do I?
- Well, you should do, you won 100.
- I what?
- Yes, and you promised to give me 50.
- I promised you 50?
- Yes!
Well, if I promised,
I must have given it to you.
No, you naughty man, you didn't.
Oh, but I remember I did.
Aha, but I remember as clearly
as if it was yesterday you didn't.
But I remember...
Oh, I forgot to tell you -
Remember I went to get
the money from the bookmaker?
Well, he welshed us.
Excuse me, I've got to go and see
about the fan dance.
- Did he fall for it?
- No, he's as big a liar as I am.
See here, I want his signature
on a cheque and you've got to get it.
Oh, Benjy!
(Shrieks)
- My tirara!
- Your what?
- My tirara's gone!
- Well, don't look at me, I ain't got it!
Oh dear. (Sobs)
Pipe down, it's only a bit of junk.
It wasn't junk, it was real!
I'll cop it if I don't take it home,
my old man got it in a smash and grab!
(Sobs and wails)
- I say, what's all the bother?
- My tirara! Somebody swiped it.
- Somebody what?
- Swiped it, pinched it.
Oh, no, nobody here
would steal anything.
Are you sure it hasn't slipped down...?
- What was it like?
- Like that, only real.
I had it on me head a minute ago.
Well, I'll ask the culprit to give it back.
- Fat lot of good that'll do.
- You don't know my boys.
Stop the music!
Stop playing, stop playing.
Ladies and gentlemen,
I've got some very bad news.
We have a thief in our midst!
I don't want to embarrass the culprit
so I'll give him a chance
by using a device that was very
successful at my last sch... prison.
Now, don't move, anybody,
stay where you are.
Now, if I can have all the lights put out.
While the room is in darkness
I'm going to ask the thief
to put the tirara...the tiara back on, erm...
..on this, and no questions will be asked.
Now, remember gentlemen, you've got
five seconds to save your honour.
Put out the lights!
Now, remember, five seconds.
One, two...
- (Slap)
- (Woman) Oh! Who did that?
Boys, no horseplay.
I didn't put the lights out for that.
Three, four, five.
(Women gasp)
Good gracious me!
I say! What...? I thought the tray might go
but this is going too far.
For that you'll all go to bed,
except the ladies.
- (All) Boo!
- Silence, silence!
Serves you right. You should've thought
of that before. Ladies, follow me.
(Booing)
- Shut up!
- You're not ending the party?
Madam, I've got to keep a firm hand
on these men to gain their respect.
You see? It's the firm hand that counts.
(Raucous jeering)
This way, ladies, I'll get you all a drink.
(All) Oh, yeah!
Slessor, why aren't you in bed?
I thought I'd do this
so you could talk to the girls.
- Oh, very thoughtful of you.
- Oh, Benjy!
- Come with me.
- But I want to talk with...
No, come and sit down here with me.
Ah, now I have you all to myself!
- Oh, but I...
- I don't want to press you
but I do so want my 50.
So do I, so when you go back
to Australia you collect for us both.
(English accent) You faker,
you're no more Governor than I am.
You're Dr Benjamin Twist,
a broken-down old schoolmaster.
Now, do I get the cheque for 50 quid
or do I blow the gaff?
- Well, I'll send it to you.
- You won't, I'll take it now.
Oh...
(Clears throat) Five pounds, wasn't it?
- Fifty.
- Oh, yes, so it was.
And you're giving me a covering letter
to your bank manager.
- Oh, am I?
- You are.
Hmm.
Oh, guv!
You seen Slessor?
They're all in bed except him.
Slessor? He's helping with the drinks.
- Want any help with the women?
- None of that from you. Outside.
Go on. I'll send Slessor down
when I've finished with him.
Now, look here...
Slessor! Slessor!
- (Knock at door)
- Slessor?
How dare you come in here?!
- Get off!
- What do you mean?
Leave me alone! Help!
You old reprobate! I'm disgusted!
- I haven't done anything!
- Why's she screaming?
Probably saw a mouse.
- He...He attacked me!
- A man in your position! It's horrible.
Bald men are the worst!
To think, we girls
aren't even safe in prison!
- Wait...
- I'll report you for this.
No, we must keep it quiet
for the Baroness's sake.
- I assure you that I...
- (All shouting)
I didn't say a word!
- First you take my tirara...
- I tried to get it back for you.
What about this poor girl's reputation?
- I'll try and get that too.
- Ooh!
Bluebeard!
(All laughing)
Give me that cheque.
We've been to a lot of trouble
getting that 50 quid.
By the time I've added
a couple of noughts
it'll clean up his account!
Five thousand pounds?
It's rather a large amount, madam.
The manager hasn't arrived yet.
- But I have a covering letter.
- Oh, I see.
Oh, that'll be quite all right.
- How would you like it?
- In small notes, please.
Hey. Have you been double-crossing us?
- Since when?
- Since any time.
- Certainly not.
- Well, someone has.
Broker says your cheques are no good.
He's brought back three marked "rd".
- Marked "rd"?
- "Rd."
I wonder who that could be?
Robert Donat?
- No, it wouldn't be him.
- It means you haven't any money!
Oh? Well, there must be a reason.
- Better think of a good one.
- I've got nothing to hide.
Not about money, anyway.
- ..very careless.
- Are you the governor?
- Yes.
- I should like to speak to you, alone.
Don't mind Johnson,
he's my financial adviser.
I'm not surprised. To get to the point,
these cheques have been returned "rd".
Yes, so Johnson's been telling me.
Rub it out and send them back.
Unless we have an immediate settlement
we shall apply
for a warrant for your arrest.
My arrest? Johnson, tell him, we've got
plenty of money, it can't just disappear.
It evidently has. You owe us 600.
600? Is that all? Oh.
Hello? Get me my bank manager.
I've never heard anything like it,
kicking up a fuss about a trifle like that.
- That's the trouble with you small firms.
- (Telephone)
Hello? This is Benjamin speaking.
What's this nonsense about me having
no money in my account?
A cheque was drawn at 9:03
this morning for 5,000,
payable to a Charlotte Rousseau.
I say, that...that was for 50, not 5,000!
Phew.
There's no object
in my staying any longer.
No doubt we shall meet again -
at the assizes.
Ooh, I don't feel well.
- Did you give that woman a cheque?
- The Baroness?
That's one of Slessor's girlfriends.
- He did this. Look for him.
- What do you think I've been doing?
One of the boys will know where he is.
Yes! If I find him and get the money back
I'll be clear.
I don't know about that
but it'll help pay for your defence.
We've been nursing a viper
in our bosom, and we've been stung.
Slessor's absconded with the entire
funds of the Blackdown Trust.
- The dirty dog!
- Double-crossing swab!
- The rat.
- Does anyone know Slessor's hideout?
- It's at Slim Charlie's.
- Where's that?
- Creek Street, Limehouse.
- I'll go now.
Charlie won't let strangers in, he's
one of the biggest fences in London.
- The biggest what?
- Fences.
I don't care if he's got a brick wall!
- I can tunnel under it!
- Get out of it.
No, a fence is a receiver
of stolen property.
Pretend you're on business,
sell him something cheap.
- I haven't got anything to sell him.
- Sell him this.
Right. Good gracious!
Why, it's that woman's tirara!
- So it is!
- There y'are, you can slip that to him.
- It's not mine, that'd be stealing.
- That's how she got it.
All you've gotta do is offer him that for
a tenner and he'll be your friend for life.
Don't be silly, I can't go to a stranger
and offer him somebody's tirara for 10.
Not likely. Why, it's worth 1210s
of anybody's money!
- (# Circus tune)
- (Cheering)
(Rants and raves incoherently)
Hi, you!
Me no Hi-Yu, me Hi-Hang!
(# Piano)
(Coughs)
(Clears throat)
What do you want?
Well, erm, a penny doughnut, please.
- I'm waiting for a very old friend of mine.
- Oh?
Yes, a man called Slender Charles.
You mean Slim Charlie?
Yes, yes, Slim Charlie, but I always
call him Slender Charles for short.
- Well, I'm Slim Charlie.
- (Man) Slim? Customer.
Coming.
I say, surely you're not the little
slim Charlie I went to school with.
I never went to school.
That accounts for it,
that's why I didn't recognise you.
I say, how's your fencing going on?
What's your game?
Put them back. Do you want to get us
all pinched here?
- Where are you from?
- Blackdown, I got out this morning.
Where'd you swipe them rocks?
Well, er, I swapped...swept...I swept 'em
on the way up.
You work fast, don't ya?
Have you ever heard of Lightning Ben?
- You went to school with him too?
- No, I am Lightning Ben.
- Say, who do you know?
- Well, Sykes and Bates and old Slessor.
- Max Slessor?
- Yes, does that make me a member?
Let me look at that again.
- How much do you want?
- 15.
I must see Slessor first. Half of it's his.
Up the stairs and in the back.
- Want some more coffee, Maxy?
- No time. Get your coat on.
(Knocking on door)
Come in.
- What are you doing here?
- Are you on your own?
Er, yes, I was just passing,
thought I'd drop in and see you.
- What for?
- Well, I've come for my money.
- Have you?
- Yes. You have got it?
- Yes, thanks.
- How about giving it back?
- What?
- I know you gave way to temptation
but give me the money, come back
to prison and we'll say no more.
Isn't that sweet?
I wouldn't like to see
anything happen to you
but if you push your nose into my
business I'll push it back into your face.
Wait a minute! Where are you going?
Wait! Wait!
Here, come here!
I insist on having it,
I promised the boys.
- Get rid of him, Charlie.
- OK. (Whistles)
So long, Sniffy.
Give my love to the boys.
No, you don't, Slessor.
You thought you'd get away with it, eh?
Well, we've come for the money.
Oh, yes? Well, try and get it.
Chuck 'em out, Charlie!
Now, boys, boys!
(# Piano plays circus tune)
- Hello, guv!
- Who said you could leave Blackdown?
Nobody, but somebody had to
drive the boys up in the Black Maria.
- Who let 'em out?
- I did. Lucky for you I thought of it.
- Are they all out?
- No, only ten of us.
- (Woman screams)
- Hey, Jerry!
- Hey, hey, hey, where are you going?
- To the bedroom.
- Hey? What?
- To lock her in!
That's all right, then.
Come straight back! Johnson!
- This is the lot.
- I wanna count it.
No, we have to get this
back to the bank.
- It'll be shut.
- We've got the talent to open it up.
- Without a trace.
- Bust open a bank? That's dishonest!
We'll do nothing dishonest.
- We're merely putting the money back.
- Putting it back?
- Yes.
- Won't your union object?
- If we don't, you'll get pinched.
- Do we bust the bank - yes or no?
Well, under the circumstances,
perhaps you could bust it just a little.
- Right.
- Good.
Hello? Get me the police.
- 'Ere! Blimey, you gone crazy?
- I know what I'm doing.
Hello? This is Slim Charlie's.
(Muffled groaning)
In here, Governor.
Keep close to the wall
till I pull the blind down.
Now get to work.
You keep watch through the letter box.
If you see anything suspicious, tell me.
What if I don't see anything suspicious?
What do you mean? If you don't see
anything, keep it to yourself. Go on.
Let go! I'm the one to open it,
I've opened millions.
- I break-a the safe or I break-a your neck!
- Oh, will ya?
Hey, boys, boys, quiet, quiet.
What's all this about?
- I'm the man for this job.
- He could not open a tin of spaghetti.
- I don't eat spaghetti!
- Sh!
I'll settle this.
Eeny, meeny, miney, mo,
let's see who'll put back the dough.
Eeny, meeny, miney, mo,
out you go.
- Who won?
- Me.
- Congratulations.
- Oh, maestro!
Here - Benjamin, page 29.
Here it is.
- Everything all right, Johnson?
- OK, guv.
- 'Ello!
- What are you doing?
Looking through the letter box,
like you said.
What's the idea of looking in?
You said to look for
something suspicious.
- (Knocking)
- Anybody there?
No!
Look through the letter box, you fool!
- Do you see anything?
- Yes, a policeman's belt.
It's a policeman, boys.
- Hey, hey, where are you going?
- Sh! I'm gonna have a look.
- Who is it?
- Sh! It's Albert.
- Who?
- Albert.
Well, what are we whispering for?
Come down and let him in.
(Operator) 'Number, please.
Number, please.
'What number is it you want?
Hello. Hello.'
Limehouse Police Station, quick!
- Who's keeping watch?
- He is.
Fat lot of use he is.
You'd better patrol outside.
- Can't somebody else do that?
- They're too busy. Hurry up.
And take PC Shorthouse with you.
But he doesn't look like a policeman.
Can't you stand on a box?
Aah. Nice evening.
Keep your eyes skinned.
You look that way and I'll look this.
- Much nicer out here, isn't it?
- Pardon, sir?
Oh, I thought you were Jerry.
You all look alike in those uniforms.
- Do we, sir?
- Yes.
- You look well in that, it suits you.
- Thank you, sir.
It might be an idea, when you leave us,
to go straight.
- Go straight, sir?
- Yes.
Well, if the idea doesn't appeal to you.
Boys are making a neat job, aren't they?
- Job?
- Yes.
Oh, you mean the bank.
Be fine when it's finished.
Oh, that won't be long,
they'll soon have it open.
Open? But it's been open six months.
Oh?
You're new to this district,
aren't you, sir?
- Yes. Why, have you been here before?
- I've been on this beat five years.
Five yea... Oh.
- What division are you from, sir?
- Division?
Er, oh, third division.
- Third division?
- Er, yes.
We were relegated last season.
My team... My platoon is at Limehouse.
I know lots of Limehouse men, sir.
Funny I haven't seen you before.
You must meet a lot of people.
I shouldn't forget you, sir. You're the first
officer I've met wearing glasses.
Oh. Oh, yes. I just found those,
I was trying them on
to see if they'd go on.
(Clears throat)
Er, well, you ought to be
getting back on your beat.
This is my beat, right round the block.
Oh, of course, yes. Wouldn't you like to
go and beat round the back?
Yes. Yes, I suppose you're right, sir.
- Good night, sir.
- Good night.
- (Coughs) Good night.
- Good night, sir.
- 'Ere, I want to tell you something.
- What?
That man you were speaking to -
he was a policeman!
Get out of it!
That's the cheque - 5,000.
And the covering letter.
That 5,000 back, it breaks my heart.
Hey! Let's see your identification card.
- What's the idea?
- Keep your eyes open,
there's crooks loose in police uniform.
- Where'd they get uniforms?
- Limehouse.
'Ere, quick, second on the right!
Go on, hurry, hurry.
Quick march!
(# All whistle circus tune)
- (Car approaching)
- What's that?
The cops!
Come on, run faster!
- Come on! Hurry up! Go on!
- Hurry up.
Ooh, it's a tunnel! We can go down there!
All right. Albert, you go first,
see if the ladder stays.
(Albert yawns)
'Ere, what about my fare?
- How much is it?
- 9/19/3.
- Charge it to the Home Office.
- What?
Find the others,
see what they did with Slessor,
and tell them not a word about last night.
(Animated chatter)
Oh.
Oh, good morning, gentlemen.
Morning, miss. Hello, Cyril.
Don't "Cyril" me!
I've some questions for you.
Why did you leave this prison
without supervision?
I thought it'd be all right. I shut the gate.
And I've instituted the honour system.
- With criminals?
- Why not? "Honour among thieves".
You should practise more honour
in your personal affairs.
Look at these cheques! 900 rd!
Is this your honour system - issuing
cheques with no balance to meet them?
Ah, that's where you're wrong.
Get me my bank manager, please.
He's trying to get me? Put him through.
I don't know what to say, Mr Benjamin.
'We have verified that you have
a substantial balance to your credit.'
I can't see how the mistake arose.
Oh, that's all right, don't apologise.
Accidents happen. Good morning.
I hope you're satisfied now.
- Get in here!
- I tell ya! I tell ya, I swear!
This way! Beg pardon, Sir Cyril,
but it's good you're here.
I've been locked up all night by him
so he could allow ten convicts to escape.
This is the last straw! You've not only
turned the prison into a funfair,
you've released dangerous criminals.
- They promised to come back.
- You're a menace to public safety.
I'll have you put away! Arrest him.
(Cheering)
What the devil's happening now?
Come on, you double-crosser!
- (Jeering)
- It's unbelievable, I take back all I said.
Here we are, boys!
(Cheering)
Look who's here, Governor -
the prodigal son!
- How's the baroness?
- (Growls)
Speech, Governor! Speech!
- Come now, Governor, it's your triumph.
- Care to say a few words?
Well, boys of Blackdown,
I don't know what to say to you.
(Sniffs) This is a very proud day for me.
- (Cheering)
- I think we've made a great step forward
in prison reform.
As a matter of fact, I believe that this
moment will go down in prison history.
(Screaming)
Oh dear! Oh dear.
- (Woman moaning)
- Are you all right?
You all right? Cor, there's a nice thing.
Jerry, show these gentlemen
to the bathroom.
Cop hold of this.
This way to the bathroom! Come along!
Ooh!