Cook-Off! (2017) Movie Script

I was having a sexy soiree.
It's a multilevel marketing
home-based business that I do,
selling Lutheran approved sex
toys to married ladies.
Wow, the excitement is palpable
with you ladies today.
You know, actually can you
hear me without the mic?
- Yeah, just sitting right here.
- I guess so. All right, okay.
All right, sexy soiree
is a Lutheran based company.
These are Lutheran marital aids.
These products
are for marrieds only.
So little bit... and I got to
tell the truth here.
Pauline and I actually
don't use the products.
I was not even allowed
to look at the products.
I'm Sharon Solfest and this
is my sister, Pauline.
I'm Pauline Solfest.
Well, you know,
this is the first time
in the history of the
Van Rookle's farm cook-off,
which started in 1945,
this is the first time
there have ever been
two sisters, both finalists...
We don't like to say competing
- because we're not competing.
- Because we're not competing.
We're... different categories.
And this is the fluffer whip.
Stop that, I'm not married.
My recipe is easy one cupboard
death by chocolate pie.
It's, well, very chocolaty.
It starts off with a delicious
pre-prepared Graham cracker,
chocolate Graham cracker crust.
Then it has, like, a fondant,
like an icing.
- And...
- Smooth.
So smooth.
And then it's a mousse.
It's like a pudding/mousse
kind of a thing.
It's so good.
And then chocolate chips,
regular chocolate chips,
milk chocolate chips,
white chocolate chips,
and then candy.
Butterscotch chocolate chips.
The butterscotch
chocolate chips, thank you.
It'll give you a seizure.
This goes...
You know, pretty much any way
you would want it to go.
- Yeah.
- Do you need, like Novocain
or some kind of topical, uh,
- numbing agent to use that?
- I don't...
You know,
you're a medical professional
so you know more
about that than me.
This is where I work,
at golden minutes
senior day care.
And it's the most fun thing
in the world for me.
- This is Mrs. Burress. -Couldn't
find an orderly all night!
Where was the orderlies?
In your bedroom? Whore!
I get paid
only eight hours a day,
but I stay for 14 sometimes
because I'm having
so much darn fun.
I'm a nutritionist.
I do mostly soft foods
because that's what
they can digest here.
Hey, don't swallow
the whole spoon.
Ah, put it in my... crack a
hole and put it in there.
- In vegetables, no one enters that.
- No one ever wins that.
I thought, "well,
I'll enter my cream corn."
It is cream corn
for the lactose intolerant.
Made with ja-mocha mix,
which is...
You know,
it's non-dairy creamer.
Right, cream corn,
non-dairy creamer.
Those that can't do it,
you know what happens
when you can't digest dairy.
That's a situation...
- well, you know, they have... -that I
would like to leave for the third shift.
This is my life, you know.
I work here 14 hours a day.
I go home and take care
of my dad.
I don't have a lot of time.
I sure don't have a boyfriend.
So my fianc,
Lars Hagerbakke and I,
are very much in love.
Um, we met at the
blue earth community theatre
doing a production of
guys and dolls.
I was adopted into
the Hagerbakke family.
Um, before that, I have vague
memories of my black family.
I remember-i remember looking up
from what must have been a crib
and just seeing darkness and
eyes smiling back down at me.
When I first saw Sharon,
I said, "there is a doll,
there is a living
and walking doll
with all the fluids
that people have inside,
but a doll on the outside."
He talks like that all the...
Give me a kiss.
You are so romantic.
Give me that kiss.
That's good.
We're probably the most
glamorous people in blue earth.
I'm very, very Swedish.
- I mean...
- The most Swedish.
Actually, his mom, Ingalo,
always says, "you know what,
Lars is the most Swedish
of everyone in our family."
He makes the foods...
All the recipes.
The soecker kaka,
- which is my favorite.
- Soecker kaka,
which is our total favorite.
We love that so much.
It's like, could you
get enough soecker kaka?
- No. No.
- I don't think so.
I could literally wake up
with soecker kaka in my mouth
and be happy,
- if I could.
- He'd be happy.
That's the way
he'd love to wake up.
Uh, Lars and I
have made
a commitment to chastity.
We're chaste.
We are saving ourselves
for a covenantal marriage.
And we've been together,
it's not easy.
Can you describe
your physical life together?
Now this is the first year
that Van Rookle farms
has offered a
million-dollar prize,
which is pretty amazing.
Shh! Please,
keep it quiet because
I'm being interviewed.
The more Van Rookle farms
ingredients you use
in your, um, in your dish,
the better chance
you have of winning.
So for instance,
instead of using,
you know, like ground beef,
you could use Van Rookle farms
imitation, um, meaty kernels,
and the great thing
about that is
that doesn't even need to be
refrigerated ever.
So that's just-that's gonna
stay fresh wherever you...
You could be like, "oh honey,
you dropped the meaty kernels."
It's like,
"oh, just leave it there,
we'll get it later, it's fine."
So basically
what's going to happen
is that all 50 contestants
are going to come
pouring through that door,
and we've got contestants
from all over the nation.
One of everything. It's like
Noah's ark here at the cook off.
Uh... women and this year,
one man,
our first male contestant.
And we've got an
African American contestant
this year, finally.
And we...
Love to have her.
Happy to have her.
That's not an issue for us.
I don't know who it would be
an issue for.
And the lord sayeth...
I drive all the streams
of Egypt.
All the streams of Egypt.
Honor thy mother and father,
says the lord.
Now I like to honor my mother.
I'd like you all to know
that sister ladybug Briggs,
our very own
sister ladybug Briggs,
has just been chosen
as a finalist
in the Van Rookle farms
Like manna from heaven,
her biscuits will deliver us.
Y'all know I can make a biscuit.
The lord delivered 5,000
with the loaves and fishes.
Well, she's about to deliver me.
My name is ladybug Briggs.
The reason
they called me ladybug
is because I love ladybugs.
Now I don't get the fingernails
with the band-aids on them
because these are weak
and I'm using the band-aids
to hold them on.
I love ladybugs
because they bring me luck,
just like they're
going to bring me
for this cooking competition
on the... um...
For the va...
What's the name?
It's, uh,
the Van Rookle farms cook-off.
For the Van Rookle farms
Now I have been, um, a cook
since I was probably
around 12 years old.
Markus, Markus,
you in the camera.
Oh, all right.
I do karate if they looking for
somebody like that, just...
- They ain't looking
for nobod...
well, they might be. You know,
that's my baby, Markus,
and if any of y'all need somebody
to do karate, he's wonderful.
And I'm her eldest son,
Thaddeus Briggs.
- Yes, Thaddeus. This is my son.
- Reverend Thaddeus Briggs.
- That's right.
- Reverend Thaddeus Briggs.
But only is he a reverend,
he's also...
Um, what's the other thing
you do?
- I'm a lawyer, mama.
- A minister and a lawyer.
You're looking at the winner.
The million-dollar baby
right here.
- Mom?
- Yes, baby?
Check this out.
Check out my pivot foot.
It don't move.
- That's my favorite.
- Thank you, Leigh.
Maybe after we do this,
you can...
The people can get you
doing that on camera.
Oh yeah, that would be
good outside.
That'd be good.
Markus, Markus, go around front
and get them prophylactics
- mama bought you now.
- All right, mama.
What's in my biscuit
is meltameeta with...
It is a cheese and sausage
flavor product,
but now it ain't got
no real cheese
or no real sausage
up in there though.
No, that's because for people
that are allergenic
to those things.
And I have a wonderful scooter.
I had the carpel tunnel
and people don't know
that carpel tunnel travels.
Tell them, Thaddeus.
It traveled to my legs
and made them weak.
Anything else you want to know?
You know what? We can...
How many kidney stones I've passed?
Why my right boobie is a little
bit higher than the left?
I just got upset.
These people's all up in my -
- I know, it's all right.
- It's too many cameras.
It's too many white people.
I can't take it, Thaddeus.
They're going to meet
the celebrity guest judges.
They're going to hear the rules.
And then of course,
my favorite part,
the lighting
of the ceremonial oven,
which is just like the Olympics.
It's that kind of "haa"
you know, kind of moment.
When I go "haa," I mean,
like crowds cheering.
That sounded weird.
The pioneer days are coming up.
Will and I are going
as rootin' tootin' cowboys.
Being a mother
is the hardest job ever.
- It's very rewarding, but... -the only
thing probably harder is selling insurance.
I don't know if you're familiar
with the insurance game,
but it is brutal.
I wasn't in Vietnam,
I was too young,
but it's just like that.
It's nuts.
Half the time, I'm selling,
half the time I'm explaining it
to my own staff.
- It's... ugh.
- No. Yeah, nine to five.
I'm a finalist.
It's called a
multi-layered anti-oxidant
rainbow gelatin Dee-light.
It's science and
it's also nutrition.
- Well-
- if we win the cook off,
oh my gosh, a million bucks.
Well, I'm planning on taking
a spa weekend just for myself.
You know, I mean, just me time.
I mean, I'd like
some me time too.
But, um, I'm too busy
earning a living.
- There's more good news?
- Yes, I'm pregnant.
Oh, hey.
She's talked about,
"why don't you get a vasectomy?"
And I'm like, "uh, because
it's a part of my body
that I care a lot about and I'm
not going to take a knife to it."
All of our kids,
if you can believe this,
all of them were born...
I was fully on contraception.
I mean, to be very honest,
I'm scared to sleep in
the same bed with him anymore.
- Just when I look at him
- "do-do, do-do, do-do..."
This is what we call
the ring of fire.
These ovens are used
for the very last stage
of the competition,
and this is only
for the seven finalists.
This is the official
Van Rookle farm Jumbotron.
Basically what'll happen is that
Morty Van Rookle, it's so sad,
he... this is the first time
in 40 years he can't be here
because he had
quadruple bypass surgery,
but he'll be watching us
from the Jumbotron.
Remember, I can see you
from here, okay?
It's almost as if you're
in bed here with me.
- It's so great.
- Morty Van Rookle III is,
um, he's kind of like
a father figure to me
in that I don't talk to
my real dad anymore at all.
I am owner/creator of
dougherty and daughter realty,
and I actually won.
Not only was I a finalist,
but I won
the entire contest
just some years ago, and now...
- Twenty-four years ago.
- It really wasn't 24 years ago.
- Please. Darling, I'm talking.
- Sorry.
And we are excited because she's
going to continue the legacy.
We have dough in the name.
- I'm sorry? -Dougherty.
Dough is in the name.
Oh, that's cute.
My recipe is a luscious
lemon-lime crumble pie.
If I were to win
a million dollars,
I might give some of the money
to my mother.
- Thank you.
That's very sweet.
Well, you know,
for your retirement.
I plan to donate proceeds
to our charity,
yachting for tomorrow.
I don't think that's wise, dear.
I would donate probably
about 50 percent.
No, I think that's...
We'll talk about it.
- We'll talk about it later.
- Right, but some of the proceeds
would go to
yachting for tomorrow.
It all began
when I won the cook off
and I used most of that money
to start yachting for tomorrow
to save at risk youth.
I want to get
a couple of pictures of you
for my little photo album.
One of the goals for me today
was to teach some of these
gang members,
um, lessons on grooming.
Your pants are falling down,
I can see your butt.
There actually aren't
any in Connecticut,
- so we bus them in from New Jersey.
- New Jersey.
Honey, I can't see your eyes.
Say, "jizzle jizzle."
Now everybody say,
"get jiggy with me."
For many of them,
they've never even seen water,
and so we like to
just sort of have them
experience many things
that they may never do again.
One, two, three, cheese.
Sharon, Pauline,
we're so happy you're here.
What are you going to do
with the money if you win?
That's what we want to know.
You know that.
First off, I'm going to
buy cars for all my friends.
You know who you are.
- That's me!
- And then I'll probably,
I'm going to be buying a house
in Malibu and a private jet
and then I'll probably get
an apartment in New York,
and then we might... we might get
a second home in Chippewa falls.
See if you have money,
money makes money
- so you can spend all the money you want.
- Go! Go! Go!
You know, i... to me,
I just wanted to go
so I can watch her win.
But if I won,
I'd buy her whatever she wants
for her wedding
for her and Lars.
That's very blue earth!
From Los Angeles,
this is Christine Merriweather
live from the Van Rookle farms
The arrival day's beginning.
The tension's beginning to mount
and people are excited.
All kinds of wonderful things
are going to happen here
and I'm going to bring it to
you live from the nosh network.
Ooh, hoo-hoo.
Uh, don't adjust the head too
much because it's not a mask,
- it's your head.
- No reason to be
adjusting your head, you know.
- And you are?
- I'm Richard Pasternack.
This is my wife, Patty.
Patty, hi.
Oh my gosh, you've got quite...
Oh my gosh, you do have a load.
Oh, there he is. There he is.
Move. Move. Go, go, go.
Okay, bye.
Hi, welcome to la Casa Merado,
home of the Van Rookle farms
Sharon Solfest,
this is Pauline Solfest.
- Lars Hagerbakke.
- Pauline Solfest,
I'm in the vegetable category
in the cook-off.
Okay, that's one.
I've got one standard
for Sharon Pauline Solfest.
No, it's Sharon and Pauline.
It's two rooms.
We're engaged.
It'll be a little alone time
for us,
- so it's a little romantic getaway.
- Actually,
we were thinking
of actually possibly,
possibly making love on this.
But I will tell you what.
If this hotel only has one room,
we will work with that.
The decision to remain chaste
until we're married
was definitely my idea.
I mean, I think it's wise
to get to know somebody
really on the outside
before I go,
you know, just rooting around
on the inside.
Where do you want Lars
to set up your bed?
- No, no.
- -Over there.
No, I'll take the bed.
- I'll take the rollaway bed.
- Oh honey, that's crazy.
I don't mind sleeping
in the rollaway.
There is no way, as a gentleman,
I am going to climb in bed
with you
with what I want to do to you
in front of your sister.
So I had better,
for everybody's safety,
I better just take
the rollaway bed.
We can put the Bible
between you.
Do you remember the story of the
little boy and the soecker kaka?
Yeah. He loves this story.
He tells it all the time.
Well, it's a good story and it's
right for our relationship.
He was mixing the eggs and the
little boy tries to eat them.
"No, wait." Flour,
he tries to eat.
- "No, wait." The sugar.
- "No, wait." "No, wait."
"No, wait." "No, wait."
"Wait until the soecker kaka
is ready."
And I want to wait
in our relationship
'til that soecker kaka is ready.
Well, I am willing to wait
for the soecker kaka
if you are willing to wait
for the soecker kaka.
I have to wait.
Wee, muffin... aah!
There he is, muffin man!
Just like on TV.
- Now, Mr. Swazy...
- Sweezy.
That's what I said.
Got the muffin man here.
Ladybug Briggs's biscuits
are going to be the thing.
- They gonna win.
- Well...
We gonna have the first
African American winner
of Van Rookle cook-off.
Be very nice.
Of course, we don't know.
We know it's going to happen,
I'm a man of the cloth.
I speak to a higher power,
you know what I'm saying?
- I know.
- Well...
Just a little snuggling,
a little, like, leading up into
what our marriage is going to be.
We haven't ever even
been in a bed together.
Do you know back in college,
they called me full throttle,
and that's for one reason only.
I don't have a medium.
I don't have a low gear.
I can't imagine being this close
to you, lying down...
- Yeah.
- Without going f-u-l-l throttle.
Don't get me wrong,
I would love,
at this very moment,
to just rip her open like
a Christmas package,
but I can't do that.
- Oh, listen to you.
- I've promised myself
that I'm going to stay chaste.
I mean, I want this lady,
um... every day,
uh... all day.
- But I have...
- And at night.
- And at night. At night.
- Every day and all night.
But I have to literally
hold myself back
from just destroying everything
I've worked for.
Would it be weird to anyone
if I took the sheet off of here
and hung it
between the two beds?
I'm not supposed to
take off my head.
Is that right? Is that a rule?
I guess I just broke that rule,
but to be on TV,
that seemed like a good reason.
This is the muffin man
and muffin man is our beloved
mascot who wears a mask.
Put it on.
So yeah. I'm sorry,
so muffin man can't speak.
Muffin man's a muffin.
We don't talk to muffin man.
We just... you can press
muffin man's belly
and he'll giggle,
and he's delicious.
Cassandra, you're a contestant.
That's very exciting.
Your hair is very pretty.
To be a great chef, as I am,
you need that passion.
You need that innate,
instinctive skill,
and I have that.
That's in my bones.
That's in my DNA,
and unfortunately,
Cassandra shares DNA
with my ex-husband.
- I lack passion.
- She sure does.
- I'm more like my father.
- You know, he did have
one passionate little muscle
in there somewhere
for the nanny, and he took off
with that little nanny,
and now we realize
we don't need men.
Men leave. Men leave. That's
what mom always taught me.
- Men leave.
- Men leave.
Men leave. They leave.
Are you a contestant with
the Van Rookle farms cook-off?
I have been in the past.
Oh, really? Tell me about that.
Well, my name is Daneel Kuhar,
which I'm sure I probably
didn't have to tell you,
because I was in the competition
three times
and then after you do it
three times,
you're no longer permitted
to do it.
- Three times and you're out.
- No.
Well, three times and then
you're the past dazzler, so...
Past dazzler. The past dazzler.
I pulled out all the
stops at the Idaho spudtacular
because there was a woman
there, Daneel Kuhar.
She's not a good person,
and so it was...
It became important to us
to win the spudtacular.
She set the potato salad aflame.
Which is, you know,
harder to do than you think.
It is not that easy to set
a potato salad on fire.
Wore this wonderful American
bikini with yellow ribbons,
welcoming the troops back
to the bosom of America.
- S-h-a-r-o-n.
- Yeah.
She's going to win the cook-off.
Um, I'm here to support my
sweetheart, the love of my life.
His name's Del Crawford.
He's going to win
with his
coco-nutty dream bars,
Del's coco-nutty dream bars.
You're going to cook
this damn thing,
you're going to win us
a million dollars
and that's all there is to it,
and then Sharon Solfest
can just suck it.
- Did I contribute to his recipe?
- True.
No, I wouldn't even go near
the kitchen when he was baking.
- I stay away.
- No, that's part of the rules.
And is it a really big check?
- I mean, the size of it.
- Oh yeah, it's a big ol' check.
It's one of those
big, crazy checks.
- They give it to you.
- That's good.
Yeah, you get to stand
on a podium,
you get a lot
of confetti thrown at you.
You get to have your day
in the sun.
Some of us will
never get to have that.
I just want the big check.
I don't want the confetti.
It's going to take the world
by storm,
this recipe
that he came up with.
Wow, a love story at the
Van Rookle farms cook-off.
There's nothing
better than that, is there?
- In a brew-haha.
- Hi, how are you?
- Not since the spudtacular, oh my gosh.
- I know.
- I just keep pouring. -That
might be a little much.
He is in the competition.
He's my honey and I'm here
to support him.
That's so great.
What are you making?
I'm doing a chocolate something.
And what's it called?
- It's... -You don't know
the name of your... oh.
I'm thinking for a second.
Let's just talk real.
That's not her boyfriend.
- What are you saying?
- I'm going to tell you what's going on.
They're cheating.
- You don't know they are.
- What'd you say?
They're cheating, because
you think that guy cooks?
He doesn't even know
the name of his recipe.
How do you come up with recipes?
I mean,
where's the inspiration from?
The million dollars.
It's like he's her puppet.
Like she makes the...
And then he, like, yeah.
- Yeah, like that. -In his defense,
I did once hear seriously
that Hitler made crme brulee.
Markus Thelonious monk Briggs.
Wow, I'm Cassandra dougherty.
Really? Kiss-Sandra?
Well, I guess I will.
Are you a contestant?
No, my mama's in the contest,
but, um, so I have
a lot of down time,
if you know what I mean.
I'm in room 218.
- Oh, I'm so sorry.
- Oh, that's lovely.
We're actually in room 598.
Oh, nice. Fifth floor.
Fifth floor. All right.
- No... hi, my name
- hi.
- Is Victoria dougherty.
- This is my mother.
- Nice to meet you. -Sweetheart,
can I get more gumbo?
Would you get me some? Oh.
- It's okay. -Could i... go
get me some more gumbo?
- I'm really, really hungry. Thank you.
- Fifth floor. Fifth floor.
Very nice meeting you.
Yeah, it'll be even nicer
meeting me later. Ha ha.
Go get me some gumbo,
I just want to warn
you, she has a mental illness,
obsessive attachment
syndrome, OAS.
- Attachment? -Yes, and what
happens... yes, attachment.
That's sort of like my,
that's like my Kryptonite
for somebody like me.
Now tell me something,
what's your name?
My name-my name is,
uh, Victoria.
Well, Victoria, you too,
I can see that
the apple didn't fall
far from the tree.
- Could you not? -He likes
to be with a celebrity.
She's a celebrity and although
I'd never heard of her,
a lot of people had.
Um... she keeps telling me.
One favor, don't get drunk.
Too late.
- Daneel Kuhar.
- Oh, Daneel.
Daneel, you know me.
- No.
- Daneel Kuhar.
- Daneel, Nancy.
- You know me, Nancy.
No, I have no idea.
Why don't you take my plate
over to that table over there
- and maybe...
- I don't have enough hands.
That's all right, honey,
you can do this.
That's it.
Save us a table.
She's a little ill and
she'll just grab onto you
and she'll never let you go.
She's probably naming
your children already.
Oh, look at that.
It's a little bit over the top.
That's it, sweetheart.
Have you met
any important people?
All I'm finding are these
cooking ladies, no offense.
I met one real cute girl,
but she was crazy,
but I think me and her mama
might hook up.
- So I don't know.
- I just want...
Is she a contestant? Don't do nothing
that's going to disqualify mother,
because that's a million dollars
riding on that.
What you got down here ain't
worth no million dollars.
Nice to meet you. I'm here
with the chow channel.
I have to look at
my own microphone
because we just switched
the name of the network.
- What was it called before?
- Munchy time.
Oh, this is
a much better name then.
Ruckle. Van Ruckle, okay.
All right, I got it.
I got it. It's a very
hard name to remember.
- Contestant... -So the rules
for Van Rookle cook-off
are pretty much simple.
Excuse me, let's move over here.
I want to introduce
our celebrity,
master of ceremonies,
Mr. Gavin McCloud.
Welcome aboard,
ladies and gentlemen.
They have acquired
Gavin McCloud,
as you can see,
is the MC for the event.
All right, all right,
that's so sweet of you.
Thank you very much. You make me
think I'm back on the love boat.
It's my great pleasure
now to introduce to all of you
the entrance of contestants.
And what's going to happen
now is all the contestants
are entering the stadium now.
Jericho and moonlight
are singing their way
into the stadium.
This gentleman here
is taking a picture.
Look at that.
People are getting very happy
and, uh, you can feel, uh...
It turns into an exciting event.
An amazing assortments
of contestants here,
one pregnant woman.
There's a disabled woman here,
and look at them all
in their Van Rookle aprons.
They all look
so absolutely adorable.
It is my great pleasure to
present to you our three judges.
Our first judge is a
distinguished journalist
from New York City.
- Say hello to David lord.
I am a student editor
of the magazine gourmet tongue,
a very... probably these folks
would never have heard of it.
It's a very upscale,
refined magazine
for the very refined pallet. I've
got extremely refined taste buds.
I've been chosen
one of the top three buds
in Manhattan last three years
in New York magazine.
I should probably
have them insured.
Our next judge probably needs
no introduction.
You remember her
from the Bob Newhart show.
He was the secretary on the
- Mary Tyler Moore show.
And on the original
Bob Newhart show
and she played the secretary
out in the hallway.
Well, you know, i... this isn't my first
time with an unusual Van Rookle,
because I was the spokesperson for
the prune growers of America.
You know, after you've had to
eat pounds of prunes,
-this has got to be tastier.]
And last but
certainly not least,
he is the president of
Federated grocery stores.
I want you to say hello
to Mike Sweezy.
I really like this process.
I like to meet
the new cooks coming up,
and we have a club card,
which is an excellent deal.
- Mm-hmm. Explain the club card.
- And...
- Well, you get a discount.
- Okay.
And here is a special message
from the president of
Van Rookle farms,
the beloved and adored,
Morty Van Rookle III.
- -Hey, welcome...
I love you.
I love you, Morty.
To Van Rookle farm's million
dollar cook-off.
- Yeah.
One million dollars of my money.
Yeah, let's see some hands.
Come on, put them up there.
That's right, good.
Wave, honey.
Wave at the camera.
Wave. Good, that's good.
Thank you. Thank you, Morty, and
your beloved beautiful missus.
I have a feeling it's going
to be a great weekend
- to be a bulimic.
Are you serious
or are you joking around?
Jericho and moonlight.
I'm not trying to be a...
It's a cook-off.
No, I know but
I do need it from...
Jesus Christ.
Did you hear what she just said?
She asked me if she could
borrow the battery,
I'm not even joking around,
to our camera.
I'm a judgmental person, so
I'm the right man for the job.
So I'm going to have
a lot of opinions,
I speak my mind, and, um...
I am a little hungover, so that's
not going to be easy on people
but I think it makes my opinions
a little sharper.
Are those real women?
Right now, we're going to watch the
lighting of the ceremonial stove.
I'm just curious, Tim.
Was this your idea?
- Yeah.
- How did I know?
Let the flour fly!
That's... I'm so sorry. I'm so
sorry. I'm in the way here.
The competition is like a
battlefield in here, which I love.
Oh, look at this.
They're coming in here.
They're taking their stances.
Genuinely starting to
feel the excitement
and we'll meet some of these people.
Say hi to them real quick.
They're thinking about
what they're doing.
They're trying to
get their packaging open.
They're trying to
get their jars open.
They're trying to
get their cans open.
They're trying to
cut their lemons.
They're trying to
prepare the ingredients
that might make them the big
million dollar winner here.
I'll tell you what, I'm getting
caught up in the excitement.
pounds of margarine,
150 pounds
of refrigerator biscuits,
57 ovens all for the
one million dollar prize.
As a matter of fact, we will be
the first African American people
to ever win the
Van Rookle farms cook-off.
Never once. I mean, all the black
people in the world that cook,
- and not one of them has won.
The chances of her not winning
the cook-off,
you have greater chances of me
putting on wooden shoes
right now and dancing until
they burst aflame.
- Yeah. -She's going
to win the cook-off.
What's up, brother?
Hi, how are you? I'm Lars..
- Yeah, my nigga.
- Hi.
- Hello, negro.
- I didn't even see you here.
Yes, I'm here with my fianc.
Who? I don't see no sisters.
No, no, no. She's not a sister.
She's standing right over there.
- Is she white?
- -Yes.
I heard them white women
is crazy in the bedroom.
- Excuse me?
- What?
Once we do make very sweet
and slow love,
I'm sure it will be
a wild experience.
You ain't tasted
that cracker yet?
Pardon me?
You ain't tasted
all that cracker yet?
My brother is a preacher
and he get
more drawers than anybody.
You don't need to be telling...
Well, I truly believe you
keep the candy in the jar
until it's time to eat it, okay?
- Why would you do that?
- Her candy is in her jar, okay?
We are authorized to
use force at this time.
The competition
has already begun.
Miss, miss, miss.
They're going to have to... oh
shit, I gotta go. Sorry, ma'am.
At this time, don't make me get
you in a chokehold, lady.
I am not... this is the wrong
day, you understand me?!
Whoa, excuse me,
everything's okay.
Can I help you?
I'm Amber and I'm here
and I've been chosen
and I want to get in there
and cook. I'm sorry.
- Oh, we're a little late.
- Well, that's all right.
Yeah, disqualified.
- No.
- Yeah.
- Actually no, I'm not.
- You're disqualified.
- You're disqualified.
- Hey, hey, hey.
Okay, we're all disqualified.
I'm not going to win
a million dollars.
Hi, blue earth.
Hi, golden minutes
senior day care.
Hello. It's Pauline.
It's Pauline.
You remember Pauline?
Because I didn't
tell her. She told me nothing.
I feel angry that she didn't...
Just because you...
Because I could have helped you,
that was all.
I just was a little...
It's a vegetable dish,
it is cream corn
for the lactose intolerant,
it's a good idea.
It's not like
she's going to win, you know.
I actually know that
it's my destiny to win
because I had a vision
that I would win the
Van Rookle's farm cook-off.
- So that's something we both know.
- Right.
The pope is the example
I always give.
I think the pope is
the kind of guy to be like,
"you know,
I'm probably not going to be
an insurance salesman,
I'm probably going to be,
like, the pope or something,"
you know.
So that's what happened to me
is I just knew that this is
what's going to happen.
No, I'm sorry,
you're late for the...
- I mean, I can show you in the rulebook.
- I'm aware we're late.
We've been driving
for two weeks.
No, no... any con...
- No, no, no!
- Sorry, sorry.
Miss, miss, miss.
Sir, can I ask you
to ask your lady to give us
the tag number?
- Don't call her a lady.
- I'm sorry.
Do you have to start and end
every conversation
by saying that I'm not going to
win the cook-off?
- Pauline.
- Whoa, sorry, sorry.
Only contestants allowed
on the competition floor.
- I'm sorry, what is your name?
- I'm Amber and I'm here.
- Oh, Amber strain.
- Yes.
Well, I am so sorry, but you...
It's okay. It's been rude,
but it's okay.
Oh, it's been terrible. I am so
sorry, but you are disqualified.
No, I'm actually not.
Don't do that.
Get that giant off me.
Sorry, unless there's
a force of majeure,
as it says,
you can't come in here.
- I don't have one of those.
- Force majeure.
I don't have one of those.
We do have that.
We have a force majeure.
No, no. Unless there is
a force of majeure...
We've been driving
all the way from Pittsburgh.
- They said...
- This is not force of majeure.
And if you're...
I'm speaking right now.
I'm speaking.
If you are tardy,
you're disqualified.
Would you please tell me
what it was that kept you
from getting here on time?
We picked up a man
in drawstring pants,
which I'd like to say
is not a good idea.
He took his pants off.
There was an incident
at a gas station
and I did not
put my fingers anywhere,
and next thing I know
we're in trouble
and we're walking.
She didn't put
her fingers anywhere
and that's what
we want to remember.
- I didn't do anything!
- I'm American.
This is part of the drama
of a cook-off.
Let her in! Let her in!
Let her in! Let her in!
Something very interesting is happening
here where people are advocating
for the late couple here.
My name is Amber
and I want to cook!
- Let her in! Let her in! -Absolutely,
it's... terrific, let's let her in.
Reminder, she only has...
35 minutes to finish a recipe.
- Where do I go? Where do I go?
- Number sixteen.
This is just
an amazing story here.
These people, from what I understand,
have been living out of a car,
doing everything they can to
get here to this competition
in hopes of winning
a million dollars.
Where is he? Where's my honey?
Where is he?
He usually opens all the cans.
I have a little arthritis.
And now she's going to do her
best and this is very dramatic,
- let's keep an eye on her.
- I need my can opener.
We had picked up a man
somewhere in Iowa
and one thing that we turned
around to back up the Van,
he did not have pants on.
It was...
I did not know what to do.
Obviously we got to
a gas station
and next thing I'm in trouble
because he doesn't
have pants on.
I don't know him.
Because a lot of people
have been talking about you.
Then I will have you to know
that I'm going to go down
in history
right along the sides
of aunt Jemima
and Mrs. Butterworth's.
See, those are two black women,
colored gals if you will,
um, who have made their mark
in the cooking world.
Now a lot of people don't know that Mrs.
Butterworth's is black.
Well, when you fill up
the bottle with the syrup,
there's no denying that she's black.
You see what I mean?
What are you doing?
Get up.
Get it on, put it on.
Good gracious.
- I'm taking a break.
- Oh, my god! This is like...
- No cameras, no cameras.
- Get up! Help him up.
- The muffin man...
- No cameras.
The glove.
I did not like that guy
at the door.
- Well, I think he did his best.
- Over there, I don't like him.
I think he did his best.
Muffin man does three things.
He waves, he giggles
and he hugs contestants
who are pleased...
Oh god. Not me!
- These are blueberry.
- - Some of the dishes I can see with my eyes.
I don't need to taste that.
I don't even know
if I can smell it.
I don't even know
if I can get near it.
Just by looking at it,
you lose, you lose,
you, um,
should be arrested for that.
We were just being nice.
So the point is don't...
If someone
has a drawstring pant on
and they want a ride,
I guess don't pick them up.
That's what I'm trying
to tell America.
Here in America,
do not pick up a person
with drawstring pants.
They come off so easy.
It's like being on safari
but the car is open
and the animals
are coming at you
and they're serving you their young.
It's what it's like,
but their young are slathered
with butter, cinnamon
and sorts of...
Like, cheese/meat byproducts.
I see she's hurting and
I don't want to
get in the middle of the story,
but we are going to
stick with you
- if that's all right, Amber.
- That's okay.
That's okay.
Do you do your own hair?
- It's so nice.
- Well, thank you.
- Do you do your own hair?
- I do. I do.
- What's going on?
- My sister...
My sister is marrying
a homosexual.
Did you say homosexual?
Well, how do you know?
He's over there.
It makes me upset and
I want you to talk to her,
and I know that you happen
to know a lot about love
and I need you to help me
because I just don't...
Well, I just have to tell you
I'm really not
a relationship counselor.
- Oh, captain.
- Really, I'm not even a captain.
Tell us what you're making.
I am making a sweet potato,
which is technically a
vegetable, and I layer it.
I put sweet potatoes,
condensed milk,
marshmallows, baby marshmallows.
I find that if you use
the big marshmallows,
they just don't,
they don't melt up,
- and then some chocolate right on top.
- Chocolate?
You know I can't talk and bake
at the same time, okay?
No one knows... no one ever thinks
this is coming, but I do this.
Nobody knows that.
I would have never thought
to do that.
- It's nice. It's fresh.
- It's very original.
So I know you want me
to do well,
so, um, I've got to
say goodbye, okay?
- No, no, no, no! -And then do you
just cook it over the stovetop?
I just mash the shit out of it.
Do I feel like
I've pushed Cassi too hard?
Absolutely not.
She needs every push, every jab,
- every kick I can give her.
- I need it. I need it.
- She needs it. -I've made
this with a Bunsen burner.
I have made this, oh, I made it
with a cigarette lighter
in much smaller amounts,
but it really does work.
- Yeah, sure. -And not unlike,
have you seen the shows on TV
where the really fat people
have to lose the weight
and so they sweat and they sweat
and they cry and they cry,
and it's like, "I can't go
anymore, can't go anymore"
and their coaches just say, "yes you
can, do it, do it, do it, you're fat."
You are pretty, you are smart.
Keep saying that.
- Mommy thinks I'm pretty. Mommy thinks I'm smart.
- You don't have to be pretty
to win a cook-off competition.
- It sure helps. -You just
need to have a good recipe.
And you think mommy won...
Mommy made nice
with the judges, dear.
Would you like some? There's raw
eggs, but they're probably fresh.
Thank you, I'd love to taste
some when it's done.
If you can just remember,
when a judge walks by,
just sort of wiggle your hip.
Always works for mom.
I'll talk to you later, okay?
Okay, bye.
That was very rude.
- That was
- use more marshmallows.
Okay, I'm sorry.
Are you allowed on this floor?
Sir, you're going to
need to sit back.
He's okay.
He's okay. He's okay.
Very strict here about
letting people on the floor.
I said back it up, hot shot!
Can't you hear me?!
Don't spill his coffee!
Your sister seems to think that,
you know,
I have a little knowledge
regarding relationships
because I was a captain
on a television show.
Well, you're the captain
of the love boat.
No, but I want to confess.
I'm as dumb as the next guy.
Oh, you're too modest.
I just want to
tell you something.
You know, uh...
You can lead a horse to water,
but you can't make him drink.
Now maybe your fianc
doesn't like to drink water.
Oh, he loves water.
I don't... I need
a can opener that works.
Ma'am, I'm just trying to
keep everything...
My mom had always made this dish
when I was growing up,
and I can't find her anymore
and I don't...
About six months ago, she left,
just for a little walk
and we haven't seen her
in six, seven months,
six or seven months.
So I'd be awfully curious
to know where she is.
I really need a can opener
that works.
Do you have a can opener
that works?
Good luck.
I don't mean that.
The love of my life is cooking.
It's just very emotional.
Oh, are you nervous?
I'm very nervous.
I'm very nervous.
Have I had any influence
on Del's cooking or baking?
No, absolutely none.
He's the one who teaches me.
Have you ever heard of
the phrase idiot savant?
That's him.
What the hell are you saying?
We're really here, aren't we?
We're really doing it.
Honey, I'm doing it!
Yeah! Yeah!
It's really good, too.
It's really good.
All right, nice meeting you,
my man.
I'll be looking for you.
That shouldn't hurt.
That should not hurt.
Pleasure to meet you.
Peace. Peace.
Peace, two fingers.
Holla! Holla!
- What's up? -I just need you
to keep it down in this area.
Oh, three black people together
is too much for you.
My Swahili brother over there,
oh, that's too much Africa
up in the house.
I don't know if you think
you're a chef or not,
but that's really looking
about where it should be.
I'm cooking, honey!
- Cook it though.
- I'm cooking it.
- What?
- Baby, you want a taste?
- You want a taste?
- Oh wait, oh wait.
Okay. Not yet.
Not yet. It's not done yet.
- Cook it.
- It's hotter than I thought.
Why did you tell captain Stubing
about my relationship with Lars?
- What's going on with that? -I said,
"my sister's getting married."
That's all I said.
I said... you know?
I'm sorry, I'm going to
have to ask you
to take a breather outside.
Don't put your hands on me.
- Okay...
- That's assault and batter.
And I like to put
a little of these
just on the top of it
because it looks good.
Basically, I spread them out
with my hands... it's fine,
once everything cooks,
they're not that clean
but it really cooks up nice.
You all have got to get along
or my pressure's going to go up.
I would like to offer both
of you a 50-cent coupon,
50 cents off anything...
- Oh, thank you.
- That is for you.
Thank you, my man.
My man.
- My man. -It is a pleasure
to have you here.
Timothy whims!
- Yeah, honey?
- Are you using coconut milk?
I'm putting...
I don't have coconut milk.
- No, I'm putting in evaporated milk.
- What?
I'm putting in evaporated milk.
Evaporated milk?
I've just noticed
that there's a little tension
between the two of you.
Is that totally the competition?
My sister is, you know,
less than zero chance of winning
because there's actually never
been a vegetable winner.
The odds of a meteor
crashing down into this room
and landing directly
on your hand.
Sharon has calculated the odds
of her sister, Pauline, winning.
- Why are you doing this?
- What do you mean?
I'm here, okay? I'm here. That's
a big thing for me, okay?
- I'm very proud of you for that. -I know,
you're the show pony of the family
and I'm the work horse,
but I got here, okay?
Why are you attacking me?
This is, like,
my moment in the sun
and all the sudden you...
And you insult me
in front of other people
and you put me down
all the time.
I am sick of it.
- Oh, I put you down?
- Yes, you do.
I don't know
what you are doing right now.
Oh, by the way,
I am not paying your
Mastercard bill this month.
I'm just thinking that maybe
the best thing for us...
Is don't speak.
Fine. I don't want
to talk to you.
You are married?
Uh... no.
Well, I haven't met Mr. right.
Um, I was engaged
and my mother thought that
he wasn't suitable for me,
- and I think she was right. -Well,
I hate to interrupt you there,
but I know you want to get back
to what you're cooking
and I don't want to
hold you up here.
Good luck to you
and all my best.
I've never had a badge.
I get a badge!
I've never had a badge before.
I tried to do some police work
because I like a badge,
but they said absolutely not,
and I could not get up
that ladder wall anyway.
I've been pulled over
by the police
and that's what made me think
maybe it was a good fit,
because I always end up
talking to them
and we get along pretty well.
I mean, and not so well
when I'm arrested,
but if they let me off
that usually goes pretty well.
I burned my pie.
Yeah, what is it?
Okay, we have a code red.
Code red! Fire in aisle,
what is it?
Well, what is it?
Aisle two.
- Where is it? What's smoking?
- It's right here.
I've got to go, mom.
Ah... ah!
- Is it on fire?
- No, here.
Cassandra, don't embarrass me.
Well, that's not a fire.
That's not a fire.
I was called for a fire.
That's just a burned pie.
Stop looking stupid!
- I'm sorry.
- Don't apologize to me.
I mean, you've got
a little bit of time.
If you want to make it again,
you have the time.
- You have the ingredients. -Okay,
I'm going to make it again.
I'm going to make it again.
I can make it again.
I can make it again.
I'm going to make it again
and I'm going to do it my way.
My name is Pauline Solfest
and I'm the other...
- What are you making?
- Cream corn.
- Oh...
- That looks good though.
Cream corn makes me sick,
but good luck.
It makes me really sick.
Cream corn kind of...
It never really changes form.
I think it goes in
like it comes out.
Are you concentrating?
Are you concentrating?
You know what?
You can take this recipe
and shove it.
Honey, listen to me. Listen to me.
Listen to me.
I never wanted to do this
in the first place.
You made me do this.
You know what?
Because you're a has-been!
I'm not a has-been!
I'm not a has-been!
I taught her everything!
I taught you everything!
That actually looks
and smells awfully good.
It is very good,
and again it's super easy.
I mean, if you were blind,
you could make it.
You know, if you were blind,
you could still cook, you know?
You have one minute left
for the Van Rookle's
- one million dollar contest.
You only have, like,
thirty seconds.
Yes, just go. Go!
Please hand in your recipes now.
It's not Browning!
It's not Browning!
It's not Browning!
It's not Browning!
Do you have a lighter?
Do you have your lighter?
Her dish is not finished.
I think she's going to
go with it as it is.
Everybody is bringing
their food down.
She's going to have to
bring it up.
It's not Browning.
It's not Browning!
I can't serve it
if it's not brown.
This is what it boils down to,
the final moment
where these people
are rushing towards the station.
Okay, I'm doing it.
- I still have it!
I have to disqualify you
if the food touches the ground.
- No, it's not!
- Another technicality.
- I'm sorry. -Honey, he said
it touched the ground.
I think you touched the ground.
I don't write them.
I just read them.
So if you touched the ground,
that's disqualified.
What would you have done with the
million dollars if you did win?
Excuse me, that is
a very unkind question.
I would fire him and I'd get a
new Van and I'd find my mother.
Her food has touched the ground,
and excuse me,
but I think Timothy whims
is taking a little bit too much
pleasure in that fact.
I think he's an asshole.
It's the end of day one at the
Van Rookle farms cook-off
and tensions are running high.
It's been a big emotional day.
We don't know who
the seven finalists are.
We will find out that tomorrow.
In the meantime,
the contestants will be
going to a party tonight
to let their hair down a little
bit and tear it out perhaps.
But there have been a couple
of disqualifications.
Cassi was eliminated today,
is that right?
I am so humiliated.
Cassandra, this is
your mother speaking.
You are a sick,
sick little puppy,
and I don't want you
to come home
until you get help with some
mental health professional.
I feel liberated.
I feel liberated right now.
My father left us
because she's a bitch, okay?
My father couldn't handle her,
all right?
And any time any man
would come around,
she would scare them away.
You know what?
Tonight, I'm going to
the first guy I see.
I'm going to him.
And all the recipes are in.
No one knows who's going to be
in the ring of fire,
the seven finalists.
So you feel okay about
how it went today, huh?
- Yeah. -Okay, so maybe you'll be
in the ring of fire tomorrow.
- He's shy.
- I like some chocolate cake.
- I like vanilla pudding.
- Okay. Okay.
Whoo! Yeah!
You know, what if they both made
it into the finals tomorrow?
Wouldn't that be something?
If that happens,
I will probably sprout wings
from my bottom and fly out
of here butt first, okay?
That's not going to happen.
I'm just questioning
the wisdom of fraternizing
with a corporate symbol
is all I'm saying.
I'm questioning the wisdom of you
walking around with your hoo-has
sticking out of your what-nots.
Someone's going to drop
a meatball down there.
These biscuits represent
an opportunity for your coming
to metastasize his reach
into the black community.
Hey, remember that guy,
Del Crawford?
- Oh right, yeah. -Remember him,
I asked for a background check.
You're a cheater.
He's cooking your recipe.
It's so obvious.
- He is the love of my life.
- Oh.
We met over a love of chocolate
in France and you're jealous.
You are a pretender
to the throne.
Not cool.
You know what, Daneel?
You're going to get caught.
Love your blouse.
I have one like that actually.
So anyway, my favorite ice cream
is butter pecan.
- What's yours?
- Butter pecan.
Oh, it is not!
It is not! It is not!
I've been thinking about it.
I think that
tonight's the night.
I think...
I think we should...
- Do it.
- Do it?
We should do it.
- Tonight?
- Tonight.
But Pauline's in the room...
No, she's got that muffin guy.
She's not going to
come back for hours.
- Let's just do it.
- Do it.
Let's really just do it
and do it fast and good.
Do it fast and good.
Okay, I'm so glad,
give me a kiss.
You're hot.
Yeah, I'm in room 598.
- I like that shirt.
- Oh, thank you.
I made it at a two day sewing
event back in blue earth.
- You sew?
- Yeah, I do a lot of sewing.
Pattern work,
mostly pattern work.
I sew.
You are lying.
Electric cut on a bias.
You honestly sew?
Well, let me reintroduce myself.
- Lars.
- Yeah, Del.
That is wonderful.
That's wonderful.
You don't figure everybody's
into it, but you are.
- Well...
- Very nice.
Oh god, forgive me,
I am not myself right now.
I have been put under pressure,
so to speak, to perform.
To do something I have not
really ever done
and I don't feel comfortable
at a-l-l.
I've never danced
this way before.
Can you break it up? Sorry, excuse
me, I'm so sorry about that.
It's just that muffin man,
he's being a little
Oh no, it's okay,
it was consensual
because I had asked him
to dance.
Okay, you know what?
If muffin man is free
to dance all he wants,
as long as
it's the muffin man dance,
the muffin man dance.
Let's see it.
Give me the muffin man dance.
There we go. There we go.
Okay, no hips together.
I was having fun.
You are not
being paid to have fun.
You know, you are dressed
perfectly for a place
I think you would really like.
- Really? -Yeah, it's a
bar/club kind of thing.
Lots of good people there.
Is it going on now?
Oh, yeah, dancing, having fun.
- Better music than this.
- Okay, let's, um...
- Let's go.
- Yeah?
Yes, let's go anywhere
except here.
How did you...
You didn't make that?
- No.
- The banana.
- We've got to go in. Go, go, go.
- All right.
- I want to get you something.
- Fine, thank you.
- I'll be right back.
- I'll just look at the dcor.
Look at the dcor.
- The banana swings.
- Imagine that.
That is funny, isn't it?
A bar like this called bananas.
I know you.
- Really?
- David lord, hi.
- Hi.
- My name is Lars Hagerbakke.
Sharon Solfest is my fianc.
- And she's in the thing?
- We are getting married
a little sooner
than I feel comfortable,
but yet we are getting married.
You're in a bar called bananas.
If I were speaking to my sister,
I would say it's 4:30
and I'm wondering
where's my fianc.
Where is he?
- Where is he? -If I were
speaking to my sister, Sharon,
I'd say, "Sharon, shut up
and quit talking to me
- so I can go to sleep."
- You don't care.
Lars is probably in a ditch
but it doesn't
really matter to you.
Sharon, he doesn't have a car.
You are not living up
to the words of our song.
Did you ever show
that you're my shero?
You are not everything
I would like...
You are not everything
that I would like to be.
I cannot fly higher
than an eagle
because you sit on my wings.
Zip it.
Oh, zip it.
Oh, that's nice.
Just work on your speech.
I'm going to put that
in the speech.
"I want to thank my sister..."
Make sure it goes on for
at least half an hour,
because everyone's interested.
I know it's been said before,
but I think
I might just
say the whole, you know,
"you like me,
you really like me."
Dear lord, help Sharon
to have peace in her heart
and to quit flapping her gums.
Dearest lord in heaven,
will you please
help Pauline to, like,
get back to her old personality
and how she used to be before
she got so big headed?
Stuff her ponytail in her mouth.
You think Jesus gets involved
with stuff like that?
Be quiet! Be quiet! Be quiet!
They're nothing new.
They are just men, okay.
They are nothing
but just men dancing.
You don't come to a bar
called bananas for ladies.
This is, um...
- Okay.
- Hey, I got you this.
Hey. We are, by the way,
we are in a gay bar.
Put that behind your ear.
Let me see that.
You look like Dolores Del Rio.
- You love her, don't you?
- Yeah, I do.
See, that's what I'm saying.
Probably love the Streisand.
I learned my first Streisand
literally before I could speak.
- Right.
- Oh my god.
Probably love Annie get her gun.
Oh god, get me... I need
something to drink.
Get this guy something
with an umbrella in it.
- I have something.
- Okay.
Doesn't that feel good?
- Yeah, it does.
- Sip of freedom, my friend.
Sip the freedom.
Feel the warmth of acceptance.
Let's dance, come on. Come on.
Before we do, may I?
Everyone, my name
is Lars Hagerbakke
I too am a gay.
- Oh, yeah.
My name is Lars Hagerbakke
from blue earth, Minnesota
and I too am a gay.
You're not going to do this
every time, are you?
- What?
- The big speech and everything.
Sharon. Sharon.
I lost my... the key.
How was the ditch?
- How was the ditch?
- I don't get it.
- Were you in a ditch?
- No, I was not at a ditch.
I was at... I was at a bar.
- We... -Well, I hope
you had a good time.
- I had a great time. -We've
been waiting up all night.
- We haven't gotten any sleep.
- I apologize.
I have something that I need
to share with both of you.
We don't even have time
for apologies,
so just know that I forgive you
because I'm a good Lutheran.
- Sharon?
- What?
I'm gay.
I know this is going to come
as a complete surprise
to both of you, but I am gay.
- No.
- Yes.
- No. No.
- Yes.
- No. No.
- Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes.
I'm sorry, no.
Lars, gay is, like,
a choice, okay?
- Gay is, like a perm.
- Sh...
You can get a perm.
You cannot get a perm.
Gay is like slipping on
a comfortable sweater.
If it's a choice to slip on
a comfortable sweater,
yes, I just chose to put on
my very gay sweater
and it feels good.
Remember the story of the boy
and the soecker kaka
where we waited and waited
and waited?
That was sort of a mistake.
Okay, here comes these friends,
my salty old friends.
Here they come.
You waited on...
You waited on something
that's never going to happen.
We really have to go.
Just change, okay?
You know what? I picked out
an outfit for you.
I have to swap out my hair.
This is not my competition hair.
All right, so just get dressed.
Let's go, let's go.
Sharon, I just want you to know
that no matter what happens,
I will seriously be there
for you always.
Yeah, Lars, because you're going
to be my husband,
so you'll be there.
We'll be in the same house.
Sharon, you're...
Kind of in denial.
Lars, do you know
what denial is?
Denial's just a really negative
word for positive thinking.
No, in this case, denial is
you about to try and
marry a homosexual man.
There is a camp.
It's called straight ahead.
It's a place where you go
if you're confused
about you think you're gay.
You do craft projects,
fix your thinking...
Singing and Macram is going to
straighten someone out?
I don't think so.
Oh, this is crazy.
This is just crazy.
- Sharon.
- What?
I'm sorry.
If... do you...
Is it going to be weird
if I ask you
for the pink diamond?
Is that un... it's uncomf...
It is uncomfortable.
I'm going to go over here
for a second.
You don't go anywhere.
That... it is weird, isn't it?
I'll... later,
I should get it later.
All right no,
it's not weird at all. Here.
And in fact, why don't you
get it cleaned for me
because it's covered in
chocolate pudding, okay?
I'll... I'll keep it.
I, um, I have a pie to make.
I have a million dollars to win,
so I've got to go.
Come on, let's just go.
I'm rooting for you.
Ladies and gentlemen,
this is the moment
we've all been waiting for.
It's time to announce
the seven finalists.
Number one category,
in bright and early
breakfast treats,
the winner is hot and tasty
meltameeta stuffed biscuits,
ladybug Briggs,
Atlanta, Georgia.
Hell yes!
Circle into the ring of fire,
- Mama, you got this!
- There she comes.
In the first category,
the luscious pies and cakes,
the winner is,
easy one cupboard
death by chocolate pie,
Sharon Solfest,
blue earth, Minnesota.
Sharon, step into
the ring of fire.
you're the best, I love you!
There you go, Sharon.
In... congratulations, there.
- Whoa! -In scrumptious salads and
side dishes, the winner is...
Whoa! What are you doing?
Let me help you.
There's no way to get in there.
I think there's a little confusion as
to how to get into the ring of fire,
and I think that causes
some to be embarrassed.
I'm sorry, sweetie.
We talked this morning
about this.
There has to be a way
to get into the ring of fire.
We still haven't found out a
way to get into that fire...
Ring of fire.
I know I said it's a ring.
Well, get somebody down here.
Off you go, okay?
And in lunchable baked delights,
the winner is chocolate
coco-nutty cream bars,
Del Crawford, Tama, Iowa. Del!
You did it.
- You did it. He's a finalist.
Jennifer Watson...
Step into that ring of fire,
The last finalist is the
very veggie vegetables,
is Pauline's corn,
Pauline Solfest,
blue earth, Minnesota.
This is really exciting, and
now it's a real blood match.
Ladies and gentlemen, two sisters competing
for the one million dollar prize.
to all the winners.
Good job, Del!
I bet your mama's proud.
She's dead, but my dad
is probably proud.
Very proud.
I'm sorry about your mother.
We have our contestants here,
just waiting to begin.
Um, our final leg of
the one million dollar
Van Ruckle farms cook-off,
and I think any second now,
the contestants
are about to begin.
Grand prize finalists
in the ring of fire,
start your ovens.
- Has anybody approached you?
- For what?
To win the million dollars,
like split it with you,
- anything like that?
- Oh.
I mean, not to put too fine
a point on it.
No, but I wonder,
is it too late for me
-to approach somebody?
Do you feel sorry for anybody?
Is there somebody
you would vote for
because you feel sorry for them?
In the black leather outfit
is weeping into
a large mixing bowl.
Sharon. Sharon?
Sharon, I love you.
I'm sorry we weren't talking.
Come on. Come on.
- You're my best friend.
- You're my best friend too.
Come on. Come on.
You are my shero.
You're everything I want...
Honey, I'm going to do what
they do on the TV programs.
You know, where they put
the people out on the island
or you have to get voted off.
I'm going to do what they call
stay under the radar.
Well, you know,
her boyfriend, he's a real...
He's different, okay?
He's a real different guy.
Listen to me.
I'm going to grab your arm
real strong like,
and I'm going to say
listen here!
You've got cooking to do.
You ain't got no time
to be worrying about
what your man does, say want to
go mess around with another man.
You've got to
pull this thing together here.
Don't let no man pull you down.
- Okay.
- You understand what I'm...
- You're totally right.
- Stop crying and get to baking.
Sharon, she's right.
Get to baking.
Come on, go.
No, I'm doing it.
I'm doing it just like you said.
Yeah, because I can do
what I want.
That's right,
with whatever you...
What are you looking at?
You want to
mind your own business?
Look, your recipe
isn't the Bible, okay?
No, it's not your business.
No, I did that.
Look, if it doesn't win,
I'm going to
burn your house down.
My grandfather.
You better watch your PS and QS.
Something smells like poop
in this ring of fire.
And I'm standing
right next to it, okay?
You're leaking.
- What?
- You've got fluid coming out.
- You peeing in the ring of fire?
- I'm not peeing in the ring of fire
and I'm not leaking, idiot.
- What is it then? It's like...
- It's just a little spillage
of some special ingredients
that I use.
Coming out of your hoo-ha?
When are you going to
tell someone
that you're in labor?
That was a leg cramp.
Come over here.
Breathe. Breathe through it.
How are things?
You're kind of a laconic guy,
aren't you?
You're one of...
You're the only man in here.
How's it feel?
They didn't tell me
I'd be the only man.
Do me a favor. Please,
please don't tell anybody.
- Pauline, I love you.
- I love you.
The smoke in the ring of fire
is just not working for me.
I'm sorry, I'm not cooking
hickory chicken here.
No, I'm not bruising
the coconut.
Ladies and gentlemen,
this is the final countdown.
Ten, nine,
eight, seven, six...
Five, four, three,
two, one.
Time is up! Oven's off!
Thank you very much,
ladies and gentleman.
It's over and I will be
bringing you live,
the million-dollar winner
- as soon as new know about it.
- Final judging!
How are you feeling?
I'm feeling very, very good.
There goes the hot and tasty
meltameeta stuffed biscuits
and how are you feeling,
It's all up to god now.
To the point.
That's what it is.
And stuffed biscuits
and by ladybug Briggs,
Atlanta, Georgia. It is...
Ladybug Briggs,
she has a gold tooth.
This is the dish that's causing
a lot of buzz here.
Any mention of a nail?
Let me ask ladybug Briggs.
Oh, that's one of her nails.
Try to get one. Maybe there's a
false eyelash in there somewhere.
I don't know, maybe someone's purse.
Who knows.
I've been very moved
by these women
and that one crazy guy
who came here
and cooked their hearts
and souls out
- with these peculiar, peculiar dishes.
- Well...
But we have to
absolutely vote for...
Choose a winner.
That tastes the best.
- That does not taste the best.
- To me it tastes great.
Well, you know,
taste is subjective.
It sounds like you're kind of
pushing us towards this.
- No.
- For nefarious reasons.
- I think it's drawing us toward it.
- Nefarious.
And apparently somebody
really likes it.
- Morty likes it.
- Morty's not a judge.
Subject to us.
We need access to the Jumbotron.
We want to put a tape... you know
that tape I'm talking about?
- This is fixed.
- Absolutely, I second that.
- And I, I'll alert the media.
- Let me just tell you,
the Federated groceries
and Van Rookle farms
really need to
shore up their support
in the urban ethnic communities,
and for me,
what better way to do it?
Whoa, whoa, whoa,
whoa, whoa, whoa.
I'll go to the media, I mean it.
My next door neighbor's cousin
is on the view.
Okay, okay, which one
are you voting for?
We now come to the climax
of the Van Rookle
farms cook-off.
On that silver tray is the
one million dollar recipe.
So without further ado,
the winner and the entry
that gets to run away
with one million dollars
of Morty Van Rookle's money
Del Crawford for his
chocolate coco-nutty
dream bars recipe.
- Del Crawford.
- I won! I won!
Justice! Justice! Justice!
I promised you a story.
This is a story and a half,
you are not
going to believe this.
Just watch and learn.
I used to run one...
- Whoo!
- Yeah!
This isn't my thing.
I mean, I don't bake.
I don't like baked goods.
I don't like...
I like chocolate.
What is this?
What is this?
A gay bar?
I've got to lower the phone,
I thought I blew it...
I just want to hold
that really big check.
That man's a cheater!
- No, I mean I really do.
- What?
He cheated my mama
out of a million dollars!
That ain't going down like that!
Please calm down!
There's been cheating at
the Van Rookle farms cook-off.
This has never happened
in the history of...
We will prepare a statement.
There's nothing to worry about,
Just get everybody out
and that means you.
Security guards on every door.
I want everybody out.
Excuse me, I need you outside.
A leopard does not
change its spots.
- Where's the
- he just ran out.
Oh, yeah.
At this time, I'm going to
need everybody
to disperse from this area.
I am bringing to you live
here from the Van Rookle
farms cook-off
what may well be
the very first incident
of cheating ever
at the cook-off.
Well, it seems that three time
finalist, Daneel Kuhar,
has put in her fianc,
Del Crawford, in her place,
calling him from the audience
in order to prompt him
on his recipe
in order to win
the one million dollars,
a clear infraction of the Van
Rookle farms cook-off rules.
Hey, honey. Just checking in.
- How are you doing?
- Hi, honey.
It sounds like you're in pain.
What's going on?
- The baby's coming, isn't he?
- Shut up. I haven't... sh!
I honestly need to speak
with my ex-fianc, Sharon.
Though I no longer feel
that way about woman,
we still have
a very special connection.
I understand, sir, and I
celebrate your lifestyle,
but no one
is going inside this room.
The area is sealed, code black!
Make way for the muffin.
Make way for the muffin.
That is it. Just the muffin.
Just the muffin!
You're not a muffin...
All right, lady,
you're coming with me.
You know, but I don't think
now's the time.
- Sweetheart, come with me.
- No, no, I've seen you look.
- I'm sure you're very good.
- Honey, it's me. It's me.
Just understand
that I have my orders.
From Mr. whims himself!
Everybody, just please,
if you could just,
if we could just
have your Patience.
We're in a lockdown.
Anyone who is not a final
contestant needs to wait here.
Did you hear that?
We're in a lockdown.
I have been authorized
to use pepper force on you.
Everybody just take
one giant step back.
Don't make me pull out
my feng shui on you, man.
- Whoa, okay.
- I'll go Ying Yang on you, bro.
I am unsheathing
my pepper spray.
I don't know
if you can see this here,
but they're
bringing in a stretcher.
No one!
No one is allowed!
That is not how it works
in my conference room.
Just calm down.
There's a 911 call, there's
a woman in labor in there.
Okay, okay, just him.
That man freaks about security.
These Van Rookle people are nut
balls, I'm not kidding you.
- Did you let the man in?
- The muffin man authorized it.
- This is the muffin man.
- I didn't recognize him.
My mama's in there!
The competition's over. Ma'am.
Are you...
- Do you know Lamaze?
- Yeah, I've had three.
Do your breathing.
Hi, I'm Timothy whims.
- Hi.
- What's your name?
I'm the muffin man.
Okay, actually, no, you're not
and we'd appreciate it
if you'd take off our mascot.
Now... Please.
I can't take it off.
My wife's having a baby.
Pauline, hi.
Uh, could you get the apron,
please, Pauline?
Thank you. Thank you.
- It's good to see you again.
- Put that on. Put that on.
Who are you?
I'm the muffin man.
You don't... yeah.
- No.
- Yeah.
- No.
- Without my suit.
- No.
- It's what I look like.
Why don't you have your suit on?
Well, I sold it.
We're in a lockdown,
so I'm going to need all of you
to leave asap,
and if you want to go too,
- you can go but you forfeit your eligibility.
- -You know what, guys...
They are dividing our family.
- There are more of us
than there are of them.
So now you're listening to him
stirring up the crowd.
We see muffins go by,
we see naked men go by.
I think you're wonderful
and I hope you win.
Are you saying that to me
because if I win,
you're going to want my money
or something?
No. No.
- I want drugs. -Honey, I'm
going to get a vasectomy.
You said vasectomy, didn't you?
- Okay.
- I don't mean to be too forward.
I think you're as beautiful as
the whole state of Minnesota.
Never in my life
has anyone ever said anything
to me that way.
Step aside and open that door.
- I'm rooting for you.
- Thanks.
Anybody hurts themselves,
I am a lawyer.
Please, please,
will you hold it down,
ladies and gentlemen?
I've never seen anything
like this in my whole life.
I don't get paid enough money
for this.
Hold it down. Hold it down!
From the nosh network, I think
finally we are going to hear
who the final, final winner
of the Van Rookle
farms cook-off is,
after much strim and drom,
after much emotion.
Judges and contestants
are finally in,
we're finally going to hear who
wins the million dollar prize.
Ladies and gentlemen.
Ladies and gentlemen,
the judges have decided
in their infinite wisdom
and their desire
to avoid a lawsuit,
that the winner of the Van Rookle
farm's one million dollar cook-off
is Pauline Solfest
for Pauline's corn.
Oh, hell no!
- Oh, yes!
- I won!
Oh, my god...
Oh, I feel like I'm dreaming.
Oh, my god. You guys are
all looking at me right now.
I don't know what to say...
I didn't prepare anything...
Oh, my god.
This is America.
Anything can happen,
anyone can make it,
and this is a young woman's
dream come true.
You know, corn...
Is amazing.
Corn, it is good,
it is sweet, you know.
Corn is good and I love corn.
What's that? Oh.
Thank you so much.
I wouldn't have realized
this life
if it wasn't for my supportive
sister, Pauline.
You have decided to
let me in the limelight.
This is where I've been able
to truly shine.
If it wasn't for her,
I wouldn't have had
the confidence
to apply for the
Van Rookle farms cook-off.
Thank you, judges,
and thank you, Sharon.
I love you too.
Good evening, and welcome to the
Christine Merriweather report.
Six months after the Van Rookle
farms scandal, where are they now?
We'll take you inside the lives
of the contestants,
judges and the
Van Rookle employees,
in the aftermath
of the only cook-off
in the history of this country,
to spark a full
senate investigation.
This is a story
you do not want to miss.
Stay tuned.
And we caught those cheaters.
We did. We caught them.
We put them in jail.
The Kuhar woman,
we got her on tax fraud
for cheating the contest.
You know she had that
boyfriend, we got him too.
He's in the big house now.
We got him on grand theft
Not as big a charge,
but it's still substantial
in my book.
- It's been a dream of mine
to have a really big check
in my hands.
Not so much the amount,
but the size of it,
for a real long, long time,
since I was a kid, you know,
and saw that on TV.
I was like, "man,
I hope I get to hold
a really big check some day."
I would say to the people
at Van Rookle farms,
make sure that
the checks are small,
again not the amount, the size of
the actual, real size of the check.
I would say to the young people
of this country,
stay away from baked goods,
they're fattening.
And I would also say
open yourself up to
all kinds of experiences.
Kill somebody, you know.
I'm philosophical about it.
I get laid more in here.
I don't think I've ever
fully recovered
from not winning.
Now Thaddeus seems to think
that there's some kind of way
I can still
collect some earnings.
Thaddeus blew it for you, mama.
Mama, it is not your fault
at all.
It's the fault of certain
Korean businesses
like the nail pretty heaven
that are cutting corners
with their materials.
They stopped using good glue
down there at that place.
That's what I'm talking about.
These Korean people cut corners.
Easy. You shouldn't be
bothering the Koreans.
They have suffered enough with Vietnam
and all that. They don't need this.
Well, they come over here
to this boy's church,
yelling and had signs
and everything.
Which has caused my mother
to lose a million dollars.
So we have filed a suit to make
them pay for their negligence.
Now this is just them
getting some steam off.
It's nothing serious,
nothing to worry about.
You need to go out there.
It's your hoe.
Don't call my girlfriend a hoe.
That's her name, isn't it? Ho?
Well, it's ho-lin Lee win.
I'm going to go out there.
No, I'm going to go out there!
People probably go knives.
Ow! Ow!
After the competition,
I... did not have a meltdown.
I know that that is
the rumor that you heard,
but I had an awakening.
This incredible voice
came out of me.
You know, it was like a...
I just knew that there were
a lot of people out there
that hated their mother,
and if I could just, like,
reach out to,
like, that 13 year old girl who,
you know,
wants her mother to be
hit in the head,
you know, with a hammer.
So I thought, "yeah,
Victoria's secretions."
She's apparently gone into
some sort of a music career,
but she never had any...
I tried to.
I gave her piano lessons
but we had to cut that off
when she was in second grade.
She, um, she bit the piano.
We don't speak.
We have not spoken.
Present the house.
Military turn.
Then I found Sandra.
She's been fine.
She was a little mouthy
at first.
She has a little bit
of an attitude,
but we're working on that,
aren't we?
When I stopped talking,
there was always silence,
and now with Sandra,
sometimes she talks,
and I don't like that.
We didn't win the cook-off,
but I think we did even better
- because one of the products
that Patty came up with
is a vitamin pill
that's just doing great.
Give it back!
And because of
this bundle of joy,
we're not going to have
any more bundles of joy.
I got a vasectomy.
I got snipped.
And the vasectomy wasn't as bad
as I thought it was going to be.
In and out, snip and done.
Is that like
when dogs get neutered?
Welcome, everyone, to the blue
earth gay and lesbian center,
uh, also my shop.
I'm trying right now to work up
something called gay day,
and that consists
of gay performers,
gay farm animals for the kids
to come and pet.
So we need to
get those guys in here.
Let the kids rub something gay
and know it's okay to be gay.
I think no one deserved to win
more than Pauline Solfest
except for Sharon Solfest.
Look, I'm glad it's in
the Solfest family,
make no mistake about that,
though it was my destiny
for me to be saying,
"I won the..." You know,
but, um,
it didn't work out that way
because somebody interfered
with my destiny,
and that person was Lars Hagerbakke
and everybody knows that.
No one, no one knew Lars
Hagerbakke was gay, okay?
Nobody knew. He wasn't gay.
You know what, Sharon. You could
argue that it was my destiny
because that's why
all the dominos fell.
- It's all good.
- She's not happy about it.
And then we started
naughty nibbles,
which is an erotic cake bakery.
- Hang on, sexy sisters'
- sexy sisters' naughty nibbles,
- naughty nibbles.
- Right.
Because if there is one thing
that I have learned
from winning
this million dollars,
it's that I am one sexy gal.
She's sexy.
We were in Peepa magazine.
We were so sexy in that spread.
I'm here to tell you what,
we were the sexy sisters.
- That's not bragging.
- That's not bragging.
- That's no brag, just fact is what that is.
- We're speaking the truth.
So it's been six months
and I've moved to blue earth
to be with Pauline
and it is going great.
And my career has taken off.
I've really taken it in
a totally different direction.
Um, now I am
Mr. cookie head man,
and you can see my face,
which is what after being in
that muffin costume for so long,
what I realized
is a lot of acting
has to do with seeing your face.
It's just a lot more fun.
That's seen some good times.
- Wild times.
- It's been...
Febreezed a couple of times.
- I love her.
- I love you.
I love you.
- She's my sister.
- And you know what?
She stood by me
in my darkest hour.
- I'll never forget that.
- Always.
And I am grateful.
I expected to be the one
that has to sleep in the,
you know, the thing.
But I'll do it.
This is supposed to be
our romantic getaway
- and so it's probably better that we...
- there's the problem,
the r word, the romance.
For what I feel for you,
I do not want to be
in that bed with you
with your sister in the room.
- Why? -I would make love to
you so vigorously and fast
that that would be
embarrassing for me.
Well, that would be
Because honey,
if I'm on this bed with you,
there will be nothing but
knocking around and sweating.
Do you know there's a saying,
spooning leads to swooning,
and that leads to something
you don't want.
There's a little boy,
a very small boy,
and his mother's
making soecker kaka.
He's putting in the sugar
and he tries to eat the sugar
and the mother says, "it's
better to wait, better to wait."
Put in the flour,
"it's better to wait."
The soecker kaka is ready
and when we wait,
it practically melts
in his mouth.
And that's what I want it
to be like for us.
When we do make love,
I literally want to
melt in her mouth.
Well, then you know what,
I hear what you're saying
and I take the lesson
of the soecker kaka
- and I want you to melt in my mouth
as much as you do. -Absolutely.
So I'll just put the bed
up against the window
and leave a big path in case
there's a fire or something.
Well, I am concerned about fire.
This is about me trying to
protect myself from you.
In Africa, the men used to
build cages around themselves
from what I've read, to separate
themselves from the women.
This is like an African cage
I'm going to build around myself
and you might wake up
and find me strapped to it,
to keep myself from you,
because once I make love to you,
and I'm telling you this now, this
is a promise for our wedding night,
it will be so vigorous and
so fast and harsh and loving,
that you are not going to want
to do it again for a long time.
- Let's save that kind of double fever.
- Listen to you.
He's full of beans. I just want to be in
an American hotel room with my fianc,
but you want to be an African
cage, okay that's fine.
I think if everyone
had a donut we'd calm down.
Everything is sexual
to me right now.
- That hole in that donut is sexual.
- Well, stop it.
I'm just saying if I wind up
in bed beside you,
there is going to be
a lot of noise
and action
and sweating going on.
You're doing something
they call tempting the fates.
That's a dangerous step.
I'll tell you what.
- Uh... -You know, maybe
get a... you know,
- we could get a running start.
- Pauline,
if you would like to
watch us make love right now,
- you may as well watch.
- Oh no, thank you.
You may as well watch, because
this is what's going to happen.
- Oh, god.
Can you imagine?
You know what I have for you.
You know what's built up
over four years.
The second the finger
is pulled out of that dyke,
there's going to be
a lot of liquid flowing.
Let's not do that
in front of your sister.
- Well, I just...
- Please don't do that
- in front of your sister.
- Okay but you know,
I have to say, I just,
I think that I can hold back
the dyke personally.
I'm not angry. I'm not angry,
I'm just saying,
and I am not angry,
if I am on this bed
and she is on this bed,
I am going to
make love to her so fast
and hard and furious
that you don't want to be here.