Cook the Thief His Wife & Her Lover, The (1989) Movie Script
Go and get the dogs.
Come on, then. Mews!
Come on, now. Open your mouth.
Open your mouth, eh?
Learn to appreciate your food, eh?
Compared to what you serve up
in that dirty little canteen of yours,
this is a three-star supper.
You must learn the rules.
I need to eat and drink the very best
and that's expensive.
Have you ever heard of
chicken la reine Marie
or oyster sauce mornay
or frogs' legs Parisienne?
No. Course you haven't.
Take his pants down! Take his pants down.
Oh dear, oh dear, oh dear.
Didn't your daddy teach you
to wipe your bottom? Eh?
Albert! Leave him alone.
- Come on, let's eat.
- Oh, let's eat.
Before we eat, Georgina,
we must feed and water the animals.
Roy! This is my wife, Georgina Spica.
She's got a heart of gold
and a body to match.
I am Albert Spica and I have a heart of gold
and a great deal of money to match.
And you are Roy,
who's got absolutely nothing,
except what you owe me.
You are humiliated in front of a lady,
you're humiliated in front of us.
Georgina, I'll be as quick
as I possibly can.
Goh-You, go and get me some hot water, eh?
And a towel and soap.
Now...
Yeah.
Now I've given you a good dinner
and you can have a nice drink.
Now, you behave yourself in future
and pay when I ask you.
No, no, no...
Or next time I'll make you eat your own shit
after forcing it through
your dick like toothpaste.
No, put that away, Spangler.
Cor blimey, there's a lady present.
She doesn't want to see
your shrivelled contributions.
That's it. Thank you very much.
Nice, clean...
Give me that towel!
Give me that. Yeah.
I never liked that Chinese food
but looking at you now, I like it even less.
Righto, boys!
We must surprise Richard on our anniversary.
Bring the letters.
Georgie, you got ash on your tits.
If you're gonna wear black, don't smoke.
- You look like a tart in black.
- It's blue.
It's black, and don't smoke.
It's sloppy in a woman.
No one who's going to eat smokes.
It ruins your taste buds, burns your tongue
and makes your pee stink.
- Rubbish.
- It's not bloody rubbish.
I've smelt the loo
after you've been piddling in there.
When are you gonna learn, smartarse?
Have mercy upon me.
Come on, hurry up, boys.
...upon me .
Righto, lads, get them numbers up there -
Spica & Boarst.
Blot out my transgressions
Purge me with hyssop
And I shall be clean
Wash me
Wash me
And I shall be whiter than snow.
Where's Richard?
- He's plucking.
- He's plucking, eh? Richard!
Where are you?
Stop that plucking. Where are you?
Now what's that? A-S-P...
That's nonsense.
Spell it right, for Christ's sake.
Bloody hell. Richard! Rich...
There you are, Richard. Now...
Leave that out and come and see
what I've got you, eh?
I've brought you a present.
This is our anniversary.
Three months of mutual understanding,
eh, Richard?
Three months since I first invited you
to be my favourite restaurateur.
Mr Spica, this is a duck.
Ducks are born with the feathers on
but it's your dinner, Mr Spica.
If you want the feathers to remain,
we could try the dish,
I suppose,
by leaving the feathers as they are.
Canard en ses plumes torche.
Mitchel, you mule.
'Ere, Richard, come and see, come on.
Please, I beg you. Ha! Come on.
Georgina, how many times have I told you?
No smoking in the kitchen.
Mitchel, get your arse down here quick.
Come on.
Now, Richard, this is your...
well, our new sign.
Da-da-da-da-da-da!
Wallop!
Oh, God!
Richard.
- It's dark in the restaurant.
- Yes, Phillipe.
Thanks to Mr Spica's generosity,
it is dark everywhere.
No power, no light.
Were you thinking of
a cold buffet tonight?
But I don't want a cold buffet.
- Pat d'alouettes with a chicory sauce.
- Pat d'alouettes with a chicory sauce.
- Terrine de caneton.
- Terrine de canton.
- Cold turkey with lemon and basilica.
- Cold turkey with the lemon and basilica.
Anchovies in garlic vinegar.
It doesn't have to be cold,
you've got gas, for God's sake!
Got an arse on her
like two greased watermelons in a sack.
Cold chicken, pat d'alouettes,
salade de langoustine,
gteau de carottes et Gruyre...
You. You put them electrics right, Mitchel.
Put them electrics right or...
You don't eat.
You don't eat.
I told you not to smoke.
I should stand still,
Mr Spica. Or who knows?
You might spoil something,
put your foot in something.
So, a hot meal for tonight.
Something special, please. How about some...
some, er, Les oh d'oeuvres,
er, gteau au poivres,
er, terrine et fillet lamb et poison Au er,
poi, poi...
- It's "Poisson".
- What did you say, Georgie?
What did you say? What did you say?
Poisson.
- Well, Mr Spica, I hope you are hungry.
- Always. Get in there, boys.
Go on, Georgie, go in there,
raise your skirts and warm my seat.
Eh, what do you think then, eh?
What do you...?
If you spent as much money
on the meal, Mr Spica,
as you waste on the decor,
your taste in good food must surely improve.
You'll cheek me once too often, Boarst.
You rely on me, don't forget.
Without me, you, a foreigner,
you wouldn't last long around here.
Look out there, see what I've brought you.
Two vans full of good stuff,
just right for your kitchen.
- I would not touch it.
- Why on earth not?
I insist on buying my own food, Mr Spica.
Then I can be sure of its quality.
I represent quality round here,
my name is known for it.
I offer quality and protection.
Protection against what,
I wonder, Mr Spica? And whom?
Protection, Boarst,
against the rash temper of my men.
Against a sudden arrival of food poisoning.
Against rats.
Against the public health inspector.
If you are hungry tonight,
you are going to have to wait.
Do up the third button
of your expensive jacket, Mr Spica.
You'll feel less empty inside, Mr Spica.
You can't make me wait.
Deliver me
From blood-guiltiness
O God
My tongue shall sing aloud
Of Thy righteousness
Have mercy upon me
Blot out my transgressions
O Lord, open Thou my lips
And my mouth
Shall show forth Thy praise
And my mouth
Shall show forth Thy praise
And my mouth
Shall show forth Thy praise
And my mouth
Shall show forth Thy praise .
No, you don't eat it like that!
Let me show you.
Oh. Imagine you are sucking
the little fingers of a lady or...
No, you'd never get that close to a lady.
Who'd wanna get that close to you?
- I wouldn't be interested in her fingers.
- I'd expect you to say that.
You'd just whip it in, whip it out
and wipe it on your jacket.
Look at your jacket, it's like a pig field.
And your nails could do with a clean.
Show me.
Gawd. Why can't I have some bloody quality
in my associates?
From now on, anyone not properly dressed
for dinner will pay for it.
I'll write lessons down for you.
Georgina can type them out.
"Notes For Gourmets". That's French
for a good eater, isn't it, Boarst?
- Gourmets don't belch.
- On the contrary, on the contrary. They do.
It shows that you are enjoying a meal.
Not with your fingers, Spangler!
That's all you understand -
things you eat with your hands
whilst walking down the street.
You told Mews to eat the
celery with his fingers.
That's different, you dope.
And it's asparagus, not celery.
What's the point of sinking
thousands into a restaurant
if you refuse to eat properly?
- Tell him, Georgina.
- Tell him what?
Just copy Georgina. She knows how to do it.
Cory, get Richard in here.
I want my sign fixed up
and put on that wall over the kitchen door.
If Richard was more interested in slogans,
he'd make more money, eh?
This place is too dark.
Could do with a respray.
Gold, it needs more gold.
How about gold and blue?
What do you think, Henry?
10,000 should do it - two months' takings.
You should get in there.
Boarst's prices are all over the place.
His head's in the clouds.
Good cook. Brilliant cook!
Except he puts mushrooms on everything.
Henry, put that cigarette out.
Do you mind if I eat whilst you smoke?
Gordon choked on a cigarette whilst eating -
burnt his epiglottis.
Mitchel, you've got one.
And you don't keep it in your trousers.
You don't put orange rind on the edge
of your plate, it goes there, you dolt!
What you've got to realise is that
a clever cook puts unlikely things together
like duck and orange,
like pineapple and ham.
It's called artistry.
I'm an artist, the way I combine
my business and my pleasure.
Money's my business, eating's my pleasure.
And Georgie's my pleasure too,
though in a more private kind of way
than stuffing the mouth
and feeding the sewers.
Though the pleasures are related,
because the naughty bits and the dirty bits
are so close together
that it just goes to show
how eating and sex are related.
Georgie's naughty bits
are nicely related, aren't they?
Especially when she's
paying me attention. Georgie.
Get Phillipe! In future, I want
my napkins folded at home, Georgina.
Get Adele to teach you.
Spangler, get up and get Phillipe.
Bring Richard here,
I've got to make him a proposition.
Get Adele to get that water
with the angostura bitters in it
and some lemon in the water
and a bowl of ice water for me fingers...
Henry! Give me those glasses off that table.
And the flowers.
This should look
the most important table here.
I like a load of glasses around,
it highers the tone.
What's that?
For Madame Spica,
compliments of the house.
She's no Madame. Why haven't I got one?
- I doubt, Mr Spica, if you'll like it.
- Try me.
We have grown accustomed
to you being a conservative eater.
That's not true.
I'm as adventurous as the next.
Your wife has an excellent palate, Mr Spica.
It is always a pleasure for us to serve her.
I want one of those hot, damp towels,
Richard, served
to me with tongs.
Adele is no good with cash and figures.
She's just decorative, all lips and tits.
- We'll replace her.
- Can I do the replacing?
Stuff your mouth, Mitchel.
Every time you open it,
you just show how vulgar you can be.
Georgina! Welcome back.
Did you wipe the seat
before you parked your bum?
You never know what you
can catch these days.
Every toilet seat is a minefield.
That's for you.
Richard thought I might like to taste it,
personal compliments of the chef.
Eat it.
I didn't fancy it, it smelt off.
Iris got a canker on her bum
from sitting on a loo seat.
The mechanic across the road poured
battery acid down the WC to clear it.
Some of it splashed on the seat.
Iris ran screaming into the street,
her backside hissing.
She hasn't been the same since.
She strips the same
but never with her back to the audience.
She had to change her act.
Now it's more full-frontal.
- Where are you going?
- I left my lighter in the toilet.
- Gawd's sake. You don't need it.
- I need it.
Richard, I'm going to ban smoking in here.
Tomorrow, the signs are going up.
You want to thicken your French accent
up a bit, mate,
like you've just come over from Paris.
Give them a bit of that ooh-la-la stuff.
Bit more of that "parlez-vous franais?"
Then you would not understand me, Mr Spica.
I don't know. I've always been able
to understand French letters.
Georgina!
What the hell are you doing in here?
Georgina?
You've been in here for ages.
What are you doing, having a baby?
I'm, er, I'm just...
- I'm just having a quiet smoke.
- Smoke?
You know how you hate
me smoking at the table.
Gawd's sake, Georgina.
Why tell me lies about a lost lighter?
I didn't, I left it here
on the ledge in front of the mirror.
I'll be out in a few moments.
Don't hang around the ladies,
you'll embarrass the customers.
Show me the lighter.
There.
Do you want a cigarette as well?
Don't be so bloody stupid.
What are you doing in there,
Georgina, eh?
You playing with yourself?
That's not allowed, that's my property.
You're not allowed to fiddle with it.
Shut up, Albert.
Let me in, I'll show you
how to wipe yourself.
Go away. I'll be out in a minute.
Well, don't be long.
I'll order you some gteau aux poivres.
Some profiteroles.
And wash your hands.
You don't know the women who use this place.
You took your time.
I thought you'd like me to wait for you.
You smell nice and sweaty.
Wash your hands, I'll give you a kiss.
You know what they say about men
who hang around ladies' lavatories?
What do they say about men
who hang around ladies' lavatories?
They're asking to have
their illusions shattered.
Yeah.
You hold no illusions for me, Georgie, eh?
No stone's been left unturned.
Look, just go order my profiteroles,
will you?
Come on.
Come on.
I think these Ethiopians like starving.
It keeps them slim and graceful,
with those big heads and dreamy eyes.
You know those kids.
You're sick.
I might well be
if you're being so priggish.
What do you know,
Georgina, about the starving?
You can have anything you want.
Where you been? You're late.
It's Friday night.
There's a lot of money about.
A decent man needs gloves
to touch this stuff.
Let's have a look.
That's just what this restaurant needs.
Start laying them out.
What's the matter, Mitchel?
Don't you like mussels?
You got to learn to like them
if you're going to eat with me.
Don't you dare throw up in here!
Or I'll get Spangler to stuff 'em
back down your throat.
From the Malay restaurant.
The food poisoning scared them,
they're paying up.
I'm sure they don't need
our assistance with that.
That stuff they eat,
they'd poison themselves with it.
Some of them Indians are well known
for drinking their own pee.
The same water would go round and round.
Of course, you're bound to lose some
through evaporation.
Then you'd have to top it up.
Whose pee would you drink first?
- Erm...
- Me, I'd have a ready supply, wouldn't I?
Georgie and I have
our little sessions when we...
Good God, what have you got there?
Even you are getting compliments
from the chef, are you?
Being a guinea pig
for a Boarst experiment, are we?
Good God, looks like, er,
food for constipated French rabbits.
Albert, why don't you order me some Chianti?
You know I like Chianti.
In the bottle with the wrapping around it.
Then I can take it home
and hang it on the wall.
Grace, haven't you got
enough of them already?
No.
Where the hell are you going?
- To the toilet.
- You haven't had anything to drink yet.
She's got a bladder like a leaky marrow.
Don't be long!
- You've upset her.
- Rubbish.
Don't be long! You're so talkative tonight,
we couldn't stand the silence without you.
Wash your hands!
- Questo, questo.
- Cazzo.
Dove hai imparato a cucinare?
velenoso.
Vieni qua.
That's off!
Uh.
- This custard's salty.
- It is sauce Hollandaise.
Can I help you, Mr Spica?
I've come about
those special complimentary dishes.
In future, all the guests at my table
shall receive them.
Why is my fish taking so long?
You can carry it in yourself,
if you like, Mr Spica.
- What are you looking for?
- Nothing. You bring it.
You would not be looking for your wife?
No, of course not.
Mr Spica, I have something to show you.
What is this?
New cutlery.
Give your restaurant some style.
I brought in 300 sets.
My men are just re-laying the tables.
Not very good quality, Mr Spica.
You could use them at home, Mr Spica.
All 300 of them.
Where have you been? Wiping your bum?
Did you use your left hand
like I showed you?
Where'd you get this stuff, Mews?
It's rubbish, falling apart.
Take 'em back.
Get a 150% refund. God.
What are you eating, Georgie? Not much.
Ha! I see others here
get the same special attentions.
What is it? Looks like
some sort of... watery salade.
That's not up to much.
Expensive, no doubt, but not fattening.
You've got to keep your strength up,
you're looking peaky.
Kidneys, liver, iron, that's what you need.
Do you know a cow drinks
its own weight in water twice a week?
For milk, you see,
because a cow's got great big tits.
Just like you, eh, Georgie?
You gentlemen will have to take it
for granted because
for some reason best known to herself,
she's left her bra off.
Have you, Cory, ever tasted human milk?
I mean recently.
All them years ago don't count.
You couldn't really appreciate
what you were enjoying then, could you?
I bet human milk's a great delicacy
in some countries. It ought to be here.
Do you know, Cory, who could supply us
with some human milk?
Warm, straight from the receptacle, so to speak?
Don't joke! It's a precious commodity,
not a joking matter!
Georgie wouldn't joke about it, would you?
Would you, Georgie?
You're a credit to women. You could
show these young women a thing or two.
You could teach these young men
a thing or two. Take Mitchel.
On second thoughts, don't,
cos he's a crude little bugger.
- Then how come you haven't got any kids?
- Kids?
Who needs kids? Who wants kids?
I want kids.
We'll have kids one day, won't we, eh?
When you're bloody old and grey, most like!
Yeah. Your trouble is
you don't eat properly.
You should drink more water
and eat more kidneys
and then you might bloody well have
a bloody baby someday.
Georgie doesn't like babies, do you?
You know, sometimes, Georgie,
I think you behave like a bloke.
What days are those, then, Albert?
- What's it like?
- You what?
Get away from this table,
you mucky little wimp!
Go and eat your vegetable soup
in the kitchen, you dirty little pervert!
Go on, get on with your eating, eh?
It's only Mitchel making a fool of himself.
Now, stand in the corner.
Cory, make him a paper hat.
Stand in the corner
like a naughty little boy.
Stand there.
Take your knife and fork with you.
- Don't be stupid.
- Do you want to join him?
Leave him alone. He's only
copying you like he always does.
You behave, he'll behave.
- I'm leaving.
- Yes, we are leaving.
Gracie, here. Pay the bill and take a taxi.
Yeah. Georgie and I
might go for a little drive.
It's our wedding anniversary tomorrow.
Might drive down to the sea,
have some fun under the pier
like we used to.
Oops. I am sorry.
Still, this isn't a library,
it's a restaurant.
They got people for that.
Richard.
This needs cooking.
Grill it with some mashed peas.
Wash me thoroughly
From my iniquity
And cleanse me...
What's a young lad like you doing
washing dishes?
That's woman's work,
ain't you got what it takes? Hey!
My God, armour plating.
You protect yourself, son, you need it.
Innocence. That's what I had
before I met Georgie.
- That's just what they want.
- Albert. Come on, you're drunk.
- Come on!
- Shall I sing for you?
- What?
- Albert, come on, he's only a child.
Sing for me, yes. Yes, you can sing for me.
Get up there. You sing, yeah.
I was a good singer when I was a little boy,
wasn't I, Georgie?
Come on, now. You sing to me. Eh?
Come on. Sing, damn you!
Wash me thoroughly
From my iniquity
- And cleanse...
- You can't keep it up, can you? No.
I was a choirboy once.
Yes. Women like choirboys.
I was almost a choirboy when I met Georgie.
But you spoilt all that, didn't you?
Georgie was a very good education,
she could teach a young man anything.
Come on, Georgie, show the young boy
what you showed me.
- Albert.
- Go on, show the little boy...
- Albert!
- You do what I tell you, will you?
You come out in that car park with me,
both of you. Come on.
Out in the car park. Come on.
I'll give you the best education,
show you what a great
teacher Georgie can be.
Don't touch him!
- Leave him alone.
- I'll show you what a great teacher...
Oh, I see. So I'm not supposed to do that?
I'll give you an education.
- Albert, please leave him alone.
- Oh, no.
Stand there and don't you move.
- Just leave him be.
- Watch this.
- No. Wait till we get home, Albert.
- Georgie. Georgie, come here.
Right. What's all this?
You're not wearing any bloody knickers.
You've been sitting in that restaurant
with no knickers on?
With Cory and Mitchel and all those people?
What's this mean?
Where are they? Give them to me at once.
Go on. Look at this.
Get in that car, you dirty whore.
Why don't you take everything off?
Get in there. Go on! Get in that car!
- Now you! You get in there as well.
- No!
- Go on. Get in there. Get in.
- No! Please!
- No! No! No!
- Get in there! Get in.
Right...
No!
Wash me thoroughly
From my iniquity
And cleanse me from my sins
Have mercy upon me...
I have two minutes.
Purge me with hyssop
And I shall be
Clean
Wash me
Wash me
And I shall be whiter than snow
Make me to hear
Thy joy and gladness.
That the bones
That Thou hast broken may rejoice.
Do you know, Mitchel,
what prairie oysters are?
Fish.
So if someone feeds you a prairie oyster,
what would you be eating?
Fish. Like from the lakes and that.
They're the...
The clams with the little pearls in.
Prairie oysters would be very precious
to their owners. No.
No, look. Imagine...
Just imagine that this is a prairie oyster.
Now, go on. Eat that. Go on.
Put it in your mouth. Go on. Go on.
Now, what's it taste like?
- Wet bread.
- No.
It's all squishy with gritty bits in it.
That's the sand.
That's the sand. You're a comic.
No, you mule. It's got a skin round it.
- Do you spit the skin out?
- No.
Pick it out of your teeth afterwards,
chump it up.
Now, swallow that, go on, swallow it.
Swallow it.
Go on, that's right.
Now, Mitchel, you have just eaten
a sheep's bollock.
The next time I ask you
to work for me, Mitchel,
I'll be expecting you to chew
someone's bollocks off on demand.
Oh, you're back.
What do you find in that toilet
that's so fascinating?
I'll go and have a pee and a look.
What have they got
since I was last in there?
Velvet seats, dirty pictures?
Hah.
Free perfume? A private drinks bar?
Cor, what a disgusting smell in here!
Must be the pigs using it, eh?
How disgusting it is.
Ha! Urgh, how horrible. Disgusting.
Revolting place, needs airing out.
What's this?
Gaw, phwoar, phwoar...
Look. "There was a young man from Uckinham
who got caught while he was..."
That is disgusting!
People ought to be locked up for that.
Absolutely appalling.
Not what I'm used to at all.
It's disgraceful.
Don't you reckon, don't you think?
Yes. God.
- 'Ere, what are you looking at?
- What are you talking about?
Don't pretend. You're waiting
for my young associates, aren't you?
A man ought to be able to piss
without harassment.
- How dare you? I'm getting the manager.
- I am the manager.
And you are out on the street.
Caught loitering in a toilet.
Yeah.
That's what these people need.
Short, sharp, shock treatment.
Hello. What are you doing? Reading again?
This is a restaurant,
not a library.
The only thing you're allowed
to read in here is the menu.
You are insulting the chef.
Reading gives you indigestion,
didn't you know that?
Don't read at the table.
You know, I've just been reading stuff
to make your hair curl.
Out there, in the toilet.
That's the sort of stuff
people read, not this sort of thing.
Don't you feel out of touch?
Does this stuff make money?
You know, I bet you're
the only man who's read this book.
But I bet you,
every man in this restaurant
has had a read at
that stuff out there.
It makes you think, doesn't it?
You know, I reckon you read
because you got nobody to talk to.
I tell you what. So you shouldn't eat alone,
why don't you come and join us?
Come and meet my wife.
She's seen you.
I know she's sorry for you
sitting here all alone.
She likes to read too.
She spends hours sitting on the bed reading.
She even reads on the john.
This is Cory.
This is Mitchel.
He can't read, can you, Mitchel?
- Yes, I can.
- Yeah. Comics and dirty magazines.
And this is Georgina. She is my wife.
What's your name?
Michael.
Well, Michael.
Oh, is that a Jewish name, Michael?
Do you eat kosher food then, Michael?
Sit down, Michael, and tell us
all about kosher food, Michael.
- I'm sorry but I'm not Jewish.
- Oh, why be sorry, why hide it?
60% of the people in this restaurant
are a touch Jewish, Michael.
Richard, set another place for Michael.
He is Jewish, so maybe you could find him
some spare ribs. No pork.
Oh, no she won't -- He won't need those.
We're going to hold a conversation,
aren't we?
You can start, Georgie.
Tell Michael all about yourself.
I'm sure your wife would
rather eat in peace.
No. Talk, Georgina.
Here's your chance
to improve your table conversation.
Tell Michael you live in a big house
and you spend 400 a week on clothes.
I spend 400 a week on clothes.
You have a petrol allowance of 40 a week.
I have a petrol allowance of 40 a week,
which I never use.
- You wear beautiful things.
- I wear beautiful things.
- You eat in the best restaurants.
- I eat in the best restaurants.
Georgina, try a little harder, please.
- I go to a good hairdresser.
- Yes, the best there is.
- I go to a good dentist.
- Yes, yeah, oh, yeah. He's Jewish.
- I go to a good gynaecologist.
- You what?
Who says it's unlikely
I'll ever have a baby.
Michael doesn't want to know that.
That the three miscarriages
have ruined my insides.
That isn't true,
Michael doesn't need to know that.
Now, drink up, Michael,
let's talk about you.
What do you do?
I'm a gynaecologist.
- You're a what?
- You could always come and see me.
We don't need to discuss that subject.
Being infertile makes me a safe bet
for a good screw.
Shut up, Georgie!
I must apologise for my wife, Michael.
If you don't get back to your table,
you're in danger of losing it.
The place gets very full about now.
Mitchel, take Michael back to his table.
Tell him about horses.
Oh, it's all right, Mr Spica, thank you.
I prefer to read my book.
Besides, I've finished. Thank you.
Thank you for introducing me to your wife.
I like your name.
What the hell do you think you're doing? Eh?
Telling a complete stranger
intimate details about us?
It's not about us. It's about me.
It's about us!
And what's all this,
how much time you spend in that loo?
What's all this about a gynaecologist?
Who is he?
It'd better be a she.
I don't want some bloke
fingering my wife about.
It's a man. He's Jewish.
- And he's from Ethiopia.
- What?
His mother is a Roman Catholic,
he's been in prison in South Africa,
he's as black as the ace of spades
and probably drinks his own pee.
- Take that, you bitch!
- Oh!
You lying, ungrateful bitch!
You get in that car.
It's the doghouse for you, you bitch.
Bloody gynaecologist. Blasted gynaecologist.
Get up. Get up.
Get in the car, you slag.
Get in there. Go on.
Yeah.
Maiser came here.
And Trelawny with his black lady friends
who wore peaches in their hair.
- Peaches?
- Imitation.
And the Austrian brothers sat by the door -
high-wire professionals.
Great balancers, sloppy with money.
And Tim Tranter drank soup here out of a
cup with a straw when his jaw was broken.
There used to be a mark up there
where Goshy Capps threw a plate of kippers.
- Kippers?
- Yes, kippers, for God's sake.
You wouldn't find kippers here.
- They serve kippers for breakfast here.
- You've had breakfast here?
The ferryman and his lady
ate here every morning.
The ferryman was a poofter.
And fish disagreed with him.
- Who are all these people?
- Small-time crooks and pimps...
Boarst painted it out.
I'll get him to paint it back again.
...gigolos, busted boxers, cheap whores...
I've got the clippings at home.
...bullies, hairdressers, faggots.
- Robin Hoods.
- No, just hoods.
- You're getting very smart.
- Smart? Even his slang's out of date.
Now I'm the clientele,
you understand? Me.
And Georgie here and Cory Peterson.
The coq Au Vin is good.
- Cock a what?
- Chicken cooked in wine, you mule.
- Bess Riddle lived on coq Au Vin.
- More of the coq than the Vin.
Starkie, there are ladies present.
- Or there were. Where's she gone?
- Gracie's no lady, are you?
- She must have a bladder infection.
- She's one of us.
There's nothing wrong
except she disappears to the John.
And which of the bladder infections
do you have, Starkie?
Ladies go to the toilet, not the john.
Real ladies don't go to the toilet,
they go to the bathroom.
- Boarst hasn't got a bathroom.
- Shut your mouth.
You'd pee in your pants
before you'd recognise a respectable WC.
So, he's broken the silence for us
and your name is Georgina.
Yes. And don't ever call me Georgie.
You have beautiful eyes, Georgina.
And you have a beautiful prick,
Mr Gynaecologist.
- I have?
- Yes, whatever its racist beliefs.
- Your husband is a curiosity.
- He is?
Why?
Why what?
Why am I married to him?
Why aren't you married?
- How do you know I'm not?
- You're not.
- I'm not.
- Why?
I once saw a film in which the
main character didn't speak
for the first half an hour.
Like us?
Do all the minutes we've been together
add up to half an hour?
I was completely absorbed as to what would
happen because anything was possible.
And then?
He spoilt it - he spoke.
- And?
- Within five minutes, I'd lost interest.
So now you've opened your mouth,
do you expect me to lose interest?
It was only a film.
Erm, now, we've been talking for one minute.
We've got four minutes left
before you lose interest.
Four minutes. That's enough.
Where's the bomb?
He's, er... He's eating
avocado vinaigrette and prawns.
With his fingers.
Kiss me.
- Your restaurant's noisy, Spica.
- It's popular on a Sunday night.
I like a quiet restaurant, with floor shows.
Boarst is a culinary artist,
not a fancy entertainer.
But we're here to please you, Terry.
We'll get you a floor show.
Cory, phone Santini. Five girls - strippers.
Make it decent, will you?
My daughter's present.
Five dancing girls with music.
Strictly no filth, only class.
And make it quiet.
I want to keep my ears till I'm 90.
God, Terry, what sort of floor show
do you like? Mute nuns?
If they call me Mr Fitch, I might.
I'm only Terry to my wife, Spica.
- Like me.
- You're Terry and all, are you?
- I'm only Albert to Georgina.
- Even when she's in the loo?
- Shut your whore up, Cory!
- God, you're noisy, Spica.
Makes for indigestion.
Don't you find, love? What's your name?
Patricia, Mr Fitch.
Are you a good dancer?
You look as if you might be a good dancer.
We'd like to see you get up
and dance, with Geoff.
Geoff's a very good dancer.
- There's no dancing allowed.
- I always eat at home.
- Best place.
- No food poisoning.
Ricky Boarst is as safe as houses.
He keeps a very clean kitchen, go and see.
I'd like to see.
- Mitchel, take the lady to see the kitchen.
- I'll take her myself, Spica.
- Show me the way.
- Through that door.
I'll call in the bathroom
and send Georgie back tout de suite.
That means immediately.
- Your new girlfriend's cheap, Cory.
- She's only practising her French.
It's a French restaurant, isn't it?
Someone's having pheasant for dinner.
One, two, three, four, five, six, seven...
We could be interrupted, um... 700 times.
What's your boyfriend
paying you, Patricia?
Paying me? He doesn't pay me.
He buys me meals and drinks.
- Doesn't he give you no pocket money?
- No.
Nothing for a tuna fish sandwich
late at night or a bottle of gin
- to make you forget what you had for lunch?
- No.
It stinks here.
Listen, how about if...
if I gave you some pocket money?
What do I have to do to earn it?
OK, here they are. Where's Fitch?
Phillipe, clear those tables.
We need more space.
- But Mr Spica, they are eating.
- Move them.
You are in the way of the floor show.
You're gonna have to move.
We're in the middle of our meal.
If you're going to eat quite quickly,
you can finish your soup.
After all, you don't want
to get trampled on, do you?
Hold him. Hold him.
It's a pity you didn't take my advice.
All that lovely food.
Richard will be disappointed.
Now, you're gonna have to eat in the kitchen
like naughty little children, eh?
Hey, what is your name?
What did you say?
Did I hear you say William?
Well, naughty little Willie,
tiny little Willie,
how would you like
to be spanked on your big, fat bottom?
Seeing as you're so keen
on Richard's mushrooms, William,
you, I'm gonna give you five,
the count of five
and I want to see you
on the way to the kitchen
or you'll be out in the street!
Get out.
I am waiting, I am waiting
Come up with something sometime now
We're only here for love...
- Oh, look at the time. I must go back.
- One minute more.
- No.
- 30 seconds.
Oh! Oh!
Oh. What the hell are you doing?
I bought meself a ride.
Why don't you keep still?
Sorry, I had a surprise.
What bloody surprises
could there be possibly left for you?
I give up, you bitch.
I'm sick of jumpy whores.
You're only worth a Fitch one star -
that ain't for looks,
that's for availability.
I am waiting
I am waiting
Come up with something sometime now
We're only here for love
Outside the reach of money
Beyond the reach of fame
We're not for buying or lending out...
Look who's just come out of the woodwork.
Be quick and be tight
And be it not and be right
Then be slow and...
- What've you been doing?
- I've just been earning you good money.
And I've just seen
how we can earn ourselves some more.
Then go.
We have complaints
of offensive smells
from two vans on the restaurant premises.
The restaurant denies any responsibility.
Over.
Why can't we meet somewhere else?
That's impossible.
It's better to do it under his nose.
He'll never believe I do it
right under his nose
between courses,
between the hors d'oeuvres
and the canard l' orange,
between the dessert and the coffee.
Besides,
I'm learning fast
how to cut corners, save time.
I'm getting good at it, aren't I, Michael?
Aren't I?
Aren't I getting good at it? Aren't I?
Aren't I getting good at it?
Aren't I getting good at it? Oh.
Last night was bloody awful
and you're to blame, Cory.
- Tonight you'll starve.
- I don't like the foreign muck anyway.
Don't talk to me like that,
you uneducated prat!
You couldn't organise
a rape in a brothel!
The girls were lousy, the music was lousy,
you mucked the whole thing up.
Couldn't keep your own girl
under control at all. Tch!
- First she shows off...
- I didn't.
Shut your face, who's talking to you?
Then she goes and plays hard to get.
I mean, if she's been with you, Cory,
how the hell can she be hard to get?
Spangler, get us a drink, quickly.
Then she upsets Fitch in some way.
- Fitch is a pig.
- Fitch has got manners.
He was like a bear with a sore head.
Did you piss in his pants?
Then she's giggling like a virgin
playing with a candle.
You'll have to make it up to him.
He likes you, though you look like a bloke.
- Perhaps he likes blokes.
- None of that homosexual talk.
He'll remember.
Yesterday evening's got my name on it.
I'm not going with him.
He sweats and stinks and he can't make it.
- Shut your whore up, Cory.
- Like Georgie?
Shut up!
She's a fine woman.
She's never let me down.
- You must be joking.
- Shut up, Pat!
- She's upset.
- What do you mean, I must be joking?
- Here. Get rid of her.
- Don't do that to a woman.
- I do what I like to a woman.
- That's your trouble.
No wonder Georgie looks like she does
and hates your guts.
- What are you talking about?
- No wonder she screws around.
You what?
You're so bloody blind,
you'd never notice.
- Shut up! She's raving.
- I'm not. I saw them.
- Who?
- Georgie and that Jew.
- What Jew?
- That bloke who sits over there, reading.
Haven't you noticed?
They always go off to the John together.
You what?
Why do you think Georgie's
always in the john?
You blind bat.
She doesn't have the shits
every five minutes.
Shit!
Shh. It's all right.
It's all right. Shh. Quiet.
Shh. Shh.
Shh.
I'm going to the loo.
Georgina!
Georgina!
Georgina, where are you,
you bitch? Georgina!
- What are you doing? Get out!
- Get out, you bitch. Georgina!
Where are you? Get out!
Go on, get out!
Where are you?
- No, please!
- Get out of here! Get out, you...
Please, no! Please, no!
- Go on! Georgie!
- Please, no.
Where are you, Georgie?
It's over. He has found out.
Georgina? Georgina!
Georgina!
Georgie! You get out.
I'll get him to leave.
- Richard, don't get into trouble over me.
- Georgie!
- Let's go and face him.
- Don't be mad. He'll kill you!
Come quickly. Come with me.
- Wait here five minutes.
- We'll freeze to death.
He will never look in here.
Only five minutes. I will get your clothes.
Georgie, where are you?
Georgina! Georgie, where are you?
Georgie. Georgie.
You! Where is she? Where's my wife?
- What's the matter?
- You know. Fetching her cigarettes.
- Where's my wife?
- Your wife is your affair.
This is not a lost property office.
I want my wife! Where is she?
You! You stupid little rat.
Where's my wife? Where is she?
If you have finished,
I'll ask you to leave the kitchen.
- I have other diners to consider.
- Oh! Uh!
I'm the only diner who matters here.
I own this restaurant.
I want my wife. You've hidden her.
Where is she?
God keep me calm! Where are they?
Georgina! Georgina!
Georgina! Georgina!
Georgina! Where is she, Boarst?
Boarst, where is she? Georgie! Georgie!
Georgie, you bitch!
Hard around.
Georgie! I want my wife!
Georgie!
I'll bloody find her.
I'll bloody find her.
I'll find them. I'll bloody find them.
I knew it. Scheming tart!
I'll bloody find them
and I'll bloody kill him!
And I'll bloody eat him!
I'll kill him and I'll eat him!
- I'll kill him and then I'll eat him.
- Oh, shit!
I'll eat him!
I'll eat him!
We can get you out.
Eden can drive you.
Where do you want to go?
I know a place.
- What about our clothes?
- I'll get them to you. Quickly.
Quickly. Quick.
No. No. No, no.
No, please. Aah! No.
What is this place?
It's a book depository.
When my bookshop is quiet,
I do a stocktaking job.
I'm cataloguing French history.
There's a kitchen and a bathroom.
It's a bit primitive but there's
an extraordinary view.
Have you read all these books?
No.
It's not necessary
for the book-keeper to read all the stock.
With a job like this,
you could be very boring.
Are we safe here?
Does Albert read?
No.
If you don't read, does that make you safe?
Only from bad books.
You could spend a lifetime in here reading.
You could. Two lifetimes - yours and mine.
- Is that what I'm in for?
- No.
What good are all these books to you?
You can't eat them.
How can they make you happy?
I've always found them very reasonable.
They don't change their minds
when you're not looking.
That sounds like a disadvantage to me.
Kiss me.
Wash me thoroughly
From my iniquity
And blot out...
- I...
- Blot out...
- I think perhaps...
- My...?
I think perhaps we'll leave the singing.
Do you agree, until later, maybe?
How is the restaurant?
- It's all right.
- And Richard? Mr Boarst?
He's fine.
Is there any more trouble,
er, like last night?
- No, sir.
- Would you like to join us?
No, thank you.
I'll eat later with Mr Boarst.
Enjoy your meal.
Thank you.
Erm, have you any other news to tell us?
Mr Boarst says...
He told me to tell you to stay put
and he wishes you bon apptit.
Thank you.
When you're finished,
I'm to take the dishes back.
Oh, if you find any of those books
interesting, you can borrow them.
Wa-woo! Di-Di-Di-Di-dah-da!
All right, where are they? Where are they?
- I don't know.
- You don't know?
I don't suppose you ate all this yourself.
What have we got in here? Let's see.
Fish sauce with mayonnaise
and a touch of basil. I like basil.
What else we got in here? Aha.
It's sticky. Don't tell me.
Chocolate sauce - profiteroles.
Georgina liked profiteroles.
Oh, and serviettes
with Georgina's lipstick on them.
And a nice bottle of wine. Very nice.
He's for the chop, Richard.
I'll get my hands on him.
Leave that bread roll alone. I need to know
where they are. Where are they? Eh?
That's good.
Open your mouth. Come on, open it.
- Take an interest in your food.
- We don't need to do this.
- Getting squeamish?
- He's just a kid.
- Stand him up and get his trousers down.
- Leave him alone.
Get out. Who needs fairies like you?
And take your four-eyed cousin with you.
See how you get on in the streets without
me to wipe your noses. Get lost! Righto.
OK, button eater, tell me where they are.
OK, button eater, where are they?
We've run out of buttons.
But there is one more button.
It's your belly button.
How'd you like to swallow that?
- Albert!
- You still here?
Well, then, watch this.
Wake him up! Wake him up, wake him up.
I must find out where she is!
Wake him up!
Wake him up!
Where are they?
If he comes to, he better start to talk.
I got 'em!
I have brought your dinner.
Where's the kitchen lad?
- He is in hospital.
- What?
He said he told them nothing
and I believe him.
- I must see him.
- I don't think that's wise.
I'm coming.
You must take me to him.
- Start packing.
- What have we got to pack?
Richard. Richard, bring that for Pup.
What can you do? You only endanger yourself.
I'll only be gone an hour.
Richard, you can bring me back, can't you?
Oh, poor Pup. Oh, poor Pup.
Leave me something to eat.
Of course.
Please be very careful.
Have mercy upon me
Have mercy upon me
Blot out my transgressions
Blot out my transgressions
Purge me with hyssop...
Thank you.
Wash me, wash me
And I shall be whiter than snow...
Hold him by his hair.
He hasn't got much hair to hold.
It's disgusting to be that old
and to be her lover.
He's the same age as you.
I'm her husband, not her lover.
You can only be one
and not the other?
If only he'd been a younger guy,
I could've understood.
He'd just be a passing fancy.
You bastard!
Right, Mitchel, now's your chance.
You are gonna chew bollocks.
- He's too old.
- What's that mean?
He's the same age as me - 40, almost.
If he had been a younger man
it would've been all right?
- My God.
- When you're 17, is being 40 old?
He probably hasn't had a bath recently.
God, Mitchel, you are a prize mule.
Well, I mean, certainly...
- He must've been with Georgina last night.
- No! Shut up.
Shut up, shut up, shut up, shut up!
You pissing little worm.
God, you are an idiot, Mitchel.
You can be guaranteed
to say the wrong thing at the right time.
I didn't mean that you literally
had to chew his bollocks off.
I meant it metaphorically.
What does that mean, Albert?
"Jewish Book-keeper Savaged
By Young Sex Maniac."
I don't want this to
look like a sex murder.
It's what it is,
a revenge killing,
an affair of the heart,
a crime passionnel.
I want no evil gossip
spread around about me.
They are not going to say...
They are going to say this was
a dignified revenge killing.
They're gonna admire the style.
"He was stuffed.
And Albert liked good food."
They might even smile.
"He was stuffed with
the tools of his trade."
"He was stuffed with books.
The crummy little book-keeper was..."
Mitchel, no unnecessary... No unnecessaries.
Finish him off!
Shut his mouth, hold his nose,
ram the bloody books down his throat.
Suffocate the bastard!
Michael!
Michael.
OK, so this is how you eat the crayfish.
First, you snap off the head.
Then you pull out the whiskers,
then you strip off the legs.
And then you poke out
the soft part of the body.
- You turn the light out?
- What light?
Idiot. You wouldn't remember to fart.
Place might burn down with all them books.
That would nicely
destroy the evidence.
I don't want the evidence destroyed, idiot!
I want Georgina to see it.
What did he say?
The French Revolution
was easier to swallow than Napoleon.
Napoleon was a prat. He wasted everything,
he threw everything away.
Napoleon was keen on seafood.
His favourite dish was
oysters Florentine.
It's amazing, isn't it?
Churchill liked seafood.
All the great generals were keen on seafood.
What did Julius Caesar like, or Hitler?
Hitler liked clams.
And Mussolini liked squid.
- You're making it up.
- Oh, yeah? What do you know, Harris?
- What did the bookseller eat?
- You could tell from his vomit.
What do I care what he ate?
It all comes out as shit in the end.
I'm so tired.
I'm going to sleep.
I've got a lot to tell you in the morning.
And I want you to listen.
Somebody should know.
And who can I tell but you?
And then...
when I wake up in the morning,
I want you to kiss me.
And then I want breakfast.
Erm, coffee and fresh rolls and butter
and marmalade.
And toast.
And...
Good night, Michael.
I'll see you in the morning.
I love you.
You shouldn't have done that, Albert.
It wasn't worth it.
You what?
Georgina wasn't worth it?
How bloody dare you say that?
Georgina's worth a thousand
snooty little Jewish book-keeping clerks
who masturbate over their
French Revolution.
I'm saying that the book-keeper
is gonna get us into a lot of trouble
and he wasn't worth it.
Calm down, Albert.
Little circumcised mediocrity
was screwing my wife!
I will not calm down!
I've seen you, Harris, eyeing Georgina,
looking at another man's wife.
I've seen you watch her skirt fly up
when she got out of the car.
Yes, I've seen you sniffing her, Harris.
And to think I ever trusted you with her,
that I ever trusted you to drive her home
when I was drunk.
You get out of this restaurant!
Calm down.
Mitchel, get Richard in here.
I want this man banned, Mitchel. Get out!
- If you want to shout...
- I can shout in my own restaurant!
I own this restaurant. Get out! Fuck you!
Go, you mule! Richard, I'm closing you up.
- Really?
- You are finished, Richard.
Your restaurant is -- allowing
decent people to dine with wife snatchers.
You're finished!
I think not, Mr Spica!
And if I did, where would you eat?
Who would have you?
Now, if you'd kindly leave, we can start
clearing up the mess you have made.
I'm warning you, Richard.
Tomorrow your restaurant
will be just one big car park.
- Nothing more.
- I wonder how you will do that.
A bulldozer, Richard.
Your cuisine will be
20 feet under brick dust.
Get out of it, Harris.
You get out of it.
Go on. I can tell loyalty when I see it.
Well, Michael,
you didn't kiss me
so...
I suppose I have to make my own breakfast.
Don't get up yet.
Well, Michael,
that's that.
Short and very sweet.
Now you're not listening,
I suppose I could tell you about Albert.
I meant to tell you eventually
but I'd have to
get to know you better because...
Well, because I'd be so ashamed.
But it's important that I tell you now
so that I can have done with it.
Albert beat me. Well, I know you know that.
You saw the bruises.
He was regular in his habits.
After we got back from that restaurant,
he'd make me get a hot, wet towel
and accompany him to the toilet.
And I'd have to wipe his...
After I finished, he... he made... Oh...
Help me, Michael.
On his side of the bed he had
a suitcase with all kinds of objects in it.
Er, a toothbrush,
a wooden spoon,
a plastic train,
a wine bottle.
And he'd use them.
If I didn't do it whilst he watched,
he'd insist on doing it himself.
At least when I did it,
it hurt less.
I don't think he was
very interested in sex -
I mean, not with me,
not with women.
I left him four times.
I caught the night ferry.
He and Harris found me in Brussels,
they brought me back.
On the boat, Albert cried,
bought me presents.
But then after we landed,
when we got just outside the harbour,
before the motorway starts,
he stopped the car
and he and Harris and
Spangler dragged me out
and stripped me and beat me.
Michael,
all this must finish.
Help me, Michael. Please.
He's dead.
They stuffed his mouth with paper
ripped from his favourite book.
- Could you cook him?
- Cook who, Georgina?
Michael.
No. Mon dieu, non.
You have a reputation
for a wide range of experimental dishes.
He might taste good.
I'm sure he would taste good.
What would taste best?
His heart? His liver?
The cheeks of his backside?
His prairie oysters?
Georgina,
sit down.
Sit down.
When you make out a menu,
how do you price each dish?
I charge a lot for anything black.
Grapes, olives, blackcurrants.
People like to remind themselves of death,
eating black food is like consuming death,
like saying, "Death, I'm eating you."
Black truffles are the most expensive.
And caviar.
Death and birth.
The end and the beginning.
Don't you think it's appropriate
that the most expensive items are black?
We also charge for vanity.
Diet foods have an additional surcharge
of 30%,
Aphrodisiacs, 50%.
And from what I saw,
your lover did not need an aphrodisiac.
What did you see?
I want to know.
Nobody knew but you.
Everyone pitied me. Even you pitied me.
And how can I know that he loved me
if there were no witnesses?
If you loved him, that does not seem
to be a very necessary question.
Yes, it does! Tell me what you know!
What I saw was what you let me see.
Of course it was.
How could I know that it was real
unless someone else was watching?
Tell me what you saw.
Or are you ashamed to tell me?
No.
I saw him kissing you
on the mouth,
on the neck,
behind your ear.
I saw him undressing you.
I saw him kissing your breasts.
I saw him put his hand between your legs.
And what did you see me do?
I saw you kiss him on the mouth.
I saw you lying under him
on the floor of the pantry.
I saw him take you from behind.
I saw you take his penis in your mouth.
I saw you...
Do lovers always behave like that?
My parents behaved like that.
They did?
You saw them?
And lovers in the cinema
sometimes behave like that.
No, that doesn't count.
And in my fantasy,
lovers always behave like that.
Were you jealous?
Did we make you jealous?
Did you want to join us?
- If you did, help me now.
- Georgina, no.
In memory of us making love in your kitchen
and in your fantasies, help me now.
No.
In memory of your parents making love,
help me now.
Georgina, no!
People I like learn my name too late.
Too late?
Cook Michael for me.
No.
This was his favourite restaurant.
It's also mine.
Cook Michael for me.
If I did,
who would ever eat here again?
How can I make you change your mind?
Do you want to make love with me?
You can do what he did.
How can I persuade you?
You can't. You may have loved him...
You know I did, you saw me.
But you don't have to eat him, Georgina.
Do you... do you have some idea
that by eating him
he can become part of you?
You can't believe that by eating him
you can always be together!
I'm not eating him.
- Albert is.
- Albert?
There's 11,000. It's Michael's.
Put your money away.
Where is he?
What's going on here?
Why do I suddenly have to come in
to my own restaurant like a stranger?
Special invitations.
Which I might say
could've gone to a better printer.
I have to bang on the door like an outcast.
Well, well, well.
Georgina Duckles.
What brings you here, you bitch?
I'm very surprised you so brazenly
show your face here, you slut.
Where you been, Georgina?
Albert has been frantic.
Shut up, Grace. Find me a drink.
Happy anniversary, Albert.
I'll bloody kill you
for what you did to me!
- You should find that easy.
- Don't think I'm taking you back.
I'll make you pay, you slut.
Your bottom's going to be
very, very sore for weeks.
No more books for you, girl.
You're staying in under lock and key.
There's going to be no more books
or prick-sniffing for you, girl.
Happy anniversary, Albert.
What are you talking about,
Happy anniversary?
It's not my birthday.
No, that's true, but it's an anniversary
that I shall always celebrate,
even if you won't.
And you won't.
What are you talking about?
Where is everybody?
They'll be here presently.
- Look, Georgina.
- What?
- It's all over now.
- What is?
Grace, just go and look
out of a window or something.
Oh.
Mitchel, bugger off out of it.
Look, Georgina, when the others arrive...
Where are they?
It says nine o'clock on the invitation.
- Where are they gonna sit?
- They'll be here presently.
Look, Georgina, you didn't...
didn't really like him, did you?
I mean, how could you like
a bloody book-keeper, a nobody?
I tell you what. I'll try...
We'll.. we will forget it, eh?
Eh? Come home with me.
Tell you the truth, Georgie,
I've been a bit miserable.
- Since it is your anniversary...
- What bloody anniversary?
I've brought you a present.
Look, I don't need presents.
It's me who gives you presents,
you've always known that.
Besides, you've never had
the money to give me presents.
And Richard has cooked it for you.
- Under my instructions.
- Oh?
Knowing how you like to eat.
Knowing how you like to gorge yourself.
And we've brought a few
of your friends around.
What sort of party is this, Georgie?
What's going on?
Sit down, Albert.
Can't I sit down, Georgina?
No, this is Albert's special treat.
- 'Ere, I'm not eating with that Roy there.
- Shut up, Albert.
You're here to enjoy yourself.
Georgie.
Jesus!
God.
No, it's not God, Albert.
It's Michael.
My lover.
You vowed you would kill him,
and you did.
And you vowed you would eat him.
Now eat him.
What's the matter, Albert?
You have your knife and fork.
You do know how to use them.
Or have all those carefully-learnt
table manners gone to waste?
Mitchel can pour you a drink.
Your waiter has opted out.
Er, Grace will pour for you.
Non, monsieur!
Eat, Albert.
Roy, pour Albert a drink.
Try the cock, Albert.
It's a delicacy.
And you know where it's been.
Go on, Albert.
Eat.
Bon apptit.
It's French.
Cannibal.
Come on, then. Mews!
Come on, now. Open your mouth.
Open your mouth, eh?
Learn to appreciate your food, eh?
Compared to what you serve up
in that dirty little canteen of yours,
this is a three-star supper.
You must learn the rules.
I need to eat and drink the very best
and that's expensive.
Have you ever heard of
chicken la reine Marie
or oyster sauce mornay
or frogs' legs Parisienne?
No. Course you haven't.
Take his pants down! Take his pants down.
Oh dear, oh dear, oh dear.
Didn't your daddy teach you
to wipe your bottom? Eh?
Albert! Leave him alone.
- Come on, let's eat.
- Oh, let's eat.
Before we eat, Georgina,
we must feed and water the animals.
Roy! This is my wife, Georgina Spica.
She's got a heart of gold
and a body to match.
I am Albert Spica and I have a heart of gold
and a great deal of money to match.
And you are Roy,
who's got absolutely nothing,
except what you owe me.
You are humiliated in front of a lady,
you're humiliated in front of us.
Georgina, I'll be as quick
as I possibly can.
Goh-You, go and get me some hot water, eh?
And a towel and soap.
Now...
Yeah.
Now I've given you a good dinner
and you can have a nice drink.
Now, you behave yourself in future
and pay when I ask you.
No, no, no...
Or next time I'll make you eat your own shit
after forcing it through
your dick like toothpaste.
No, put that away, Spangler.
Cor blimey, there's a lady present.
She doesn't want to see
your shrivelled contributions.
That's it. Thank you very much.
Nice, clean...
Give me that towel!
Give me that. Yeah.
I never liked that Chinese food
but looking at you now, I like it even less.
Righto, boys!
We must surprise Richard on our anniversary.
Bring the letters.
Georgie, you got ash on your tits.
If you're gonna wear black, don't smoke.
- You look like a tart in black.
- It's blue.
It's black, and don't smoke.
It's sloppy in a woman.
No one who's going to eat smokes.
It ruins your taste buds, burns your tongue
and makes your pee stink.
- Rubbish.
- It's not bloody rubbish.
I've smelt the loo
after you've been piddling in there.
When are you gonna learn, smartarse?
Have mercy upon me.
Come on, hurry up, boys.
...upon me .
Righto, lads, get them numbers up there -
Spica & Boarst.
Blot out my transgressions
Purge me with hyssop
And I shall be clean
Wash me
Wash me
And I shall be whiter than snow.
Where's Richard?
- He's plucking.
- He's plucking, eh? Richard!
Where are you?
Stop that plucking. Where are you?
Now what's that? A-S-P...
That's nonsense.
Spell it right, for Christ's sake.
Bloody hell. Richard! Rich...
There you are, Richard. Now...
Leave that out and come and see
what I've got you, eh?
I've brought you a present.
This is our anniversary.
Three months of mutual understanding,
eh, Richard?
Three months since I first invited you
to be my favourite restaurateur.
Mr Spica, this is a duck.
Ducks are born with the feathers on
but it's your dinner, Mr Spica.
If you want the feathers to remain,
we could try the dish,
I suppose,
by leaving the feathers as they are.
Canard en ses plumes torche.
Mitchel, you mule.
'Ere, Richard, come and see, come on.
Please, I beg you. Ha! Come on.
Georgina, how many times have I told you?
No smoking in the kitchen.
Mitchel, get your arse down here quick.
Come on.
Now, Richard, this is your...
well, our new sign.
Da-da-da-da-da-da!
Wallop!
Oh, God!
Richard.
- It's dark in the restaurant.
- Yes, Phillipe.
Thanks to Mr Spica's generosity,
it is dark everywhere.
No power, no light.
Were you thinking of
a cold buffet tonight?
But I don't want a cold buffet.
- Pat d'alouettes with a chicory sauce.
- Pat d'alouettes with a chicory sauce.
- Terrine de caneton.
- Terrine de canton.
- Cold turkey with lemon and basilica.
- Cold turkey with the lemon and basilica.
Anchovies in garlic vinegar.
It doesn't have to be cold,
you've got gas, for God's sake!
Got an arse on her
like two greased watermelons in a sack.
Cold chicken, pat d'alouettes,
salade de langoustine,
gteau de carottes et Gruyre...
You. You put them electrics right, Mitchel.
Put them electrics right or...
You don't eat.
You don't eat.
I told you not to smoke.
I should stand still,
Mr Spica. Or who knows?
You might spoil something,
put your foot in something.
So, a hot meal for tonight.
Something special, please. How about some...
some, er, Les oh d'oeuvres,
er, gteau au poivres,
er, terrine et fillet lamb et poison Au er,
poi, poi...
- It's "Poisson".
- What did you say, Georgie?
What did you say? What did you say?
Poisson.
- Well, Mr Spica, I hope you are hungry.
- Always. Get in there, boys.
Go on, Georgie, go in there,
raise your skirts and warm my seat.
Eh, what do you think then, eh?
What do you...?
If you spent as much money
on the meal, Mr Spica,
as you waste on the decor,
your taste in good food must surely improve.
You'll cheek me once too often, Boarst.
You rely on me, don't forget.
Without me, you, a foreigner,
you wouldn't last long around here.
Look out there, see what I've brought you.
Two vans full of good stuff,
just right for your kitchen.
- I would not touch it.
- Why on earth not?
I insist on buying my own food, Mr Spica.
Then I can be sure of its quality.
I represent quality round here,
my name is known for it.
I offer quality and protection.
Protection against what,
I wonder, Mr Spica? And whom?
Protection, Boarst,
against the rash temper of my men.
Against a sudden arrival of food poisoning.
Against rats.
Against the public health inspector.
If you are hungry tonight,
you are going to have to wait.
Do up the third button
of your expensive jacket, Mr Spica.
You'll feel less empty inside, Mr Spica.
You can't make me wait.
Deliver me
From blood-guiltiness
O God
My tongue shall sing aloud
Of Thy righteousness
Have mercy upon me
Blot out my transgressions
O Lord, open Thou my lips
And my mouth
Shall show forth Thy praise
And my mouth
Shall show forth Thy praise
And my mouth
Shall show forth Thy praise
And my mouth
Shall show forth Thy praise .
No, you don't eat it like that!
Let me show you.
Oh. Imagine you are sucking
the little fingers of a lady or...
No, you'd never get that close to a lady.
Who'd wanna get that close to you?
- I wouldn't be interested in her fingers.
- I'd expect you to say that.
You'd just whip it in, whip it out
and wipe it on your jacket.
Look at your jacket, it's like a pig field.
And your nails could do with a clean.
Show me.
Gawd. Why can't I have some bloody quality
in my associates?
From now on, anyone not properly dressed
for dinner will pay for it.
I'll write lessons down for you.
Georgina can type them out.
"Notes For Gourmets". That's French
for a good eater, isn't it, Boarst?
- Gourmets don't belch.
- On the contrary, on the contrary. They do.
It shows that you are enjoying a meal.
Not with your fingers, Spangler!
That's all you understand -
things you eat with your hands
whilst walking down the street.
You told Mews to eat the
celery with his fingers.
That's different, you dope.
And it's asparagus, not celery.
What's the point of sinking
thousands into a restaurant
if you refuse to eat properly?
- Tell him, Georgina.
- Tell him what?
Just copy Georgina. She knows how to do it.
Cory, get Richard in here.
I want my sign fixed up
and put on that wall over the kitchen door.
If Richard was more interested in slogans,
he'd make more money, eh?
This place is too dark.
Could do with a respray.
Gold, it needs more gold.
How about gold and blue?
What do you think, Henry?
10,000 should do it - two months' takings.
You should get in there.
Boarst's prices are all over the place.
His head's in the clouds.
Good cook. Brilliant cook!
Except he puts mushrooms on everything.
Henry, put that cigarette out.
Do you mind if I eat whilst you smoke?
Gordon choked on a cigarette whilst eating -
burnt his epiglottis.
Mitchel, you've got one.
And you don't keep it in your trousers.
You don't put orange rind on the edge
of your plate, it goes there, you dolt!
What you've got to realise is that
a clever cook puts unlikely things together
like duck and orange,
like pineapple and ham.
It's called artistry.
I'm an artist, the way I combine
my business and my pleasure.
Money's my business, eating's my pleasure.
And Georgie's my pleasure too,
though in a more private kind of way
than stuffing the mouth
and feeding the sewers.
Though the pleasures are related,
because the naughty bits and the dirty bits
are so close together
that it just goes to show
how eating and sex are related.
Georgie's naughty bits
are nicely related, aren't they?
Especially when she's
paying me attention. Georgie.
Get Phillipe! In future, I want
my napkins folded at home, Georgina.
Get Adele to teach you.
Spangler, get up and get Phillipe.
Bring Richard here,
I've got to make him a proposition.
Get Adele to get that water
with the angostura bitters in it
and some lemon in the water
and a bowl of ice water for me fingers...
Henry! Give me those glasses off that table.
And the flowers.
This should look
the most important table here.
I like a load of glasses around,
it highers the tone.
What's that?
For Madame Spica,
compliments of the house.
She's no Madame. Why haven't I got one?
- I doubt, Mr Spica, if you'll like it.
- Try me.
We have grown accustomed
to you being a conservative eater.
That's not true.
I'm as adventurous as the next.
Your wife has an excellent palate, Mr Spica.
It is always a pleasure for us to serve her.
I want one of those hot, damp towels,
Richard, served
to me with tongs.
Adele is no good with cash and figures.
She's just decorative, all lips and tits.
- We'll replace her.
- Can I do the replacing?
Stuff your mouth, Mitchel.
Every time you open it,
you just show how vulgar you can be.
Georgina! Welcome back.
Did you wipe the seat
before you parked your bum?
You never know what you
can catch these days.
Every toilet seat is a minefield.
That's for you.
Richard thought I might like to taste it,
personal compliments of the chef.
Eat it.
I didn't fancy it, it smelt off.
Iris got a canker on her bum
from sitting on a loo seat.
The mechanic across the road poured
battery acid down the WC to clear it.
Some of it splashed on the seat.
Iris ran screaming into the street,
her backside hissing.
She hasn't been the same since.
She strips the same
but never with her back to the audience.
She had to change her act.
Now it's more full-frontal.
- Where are you going?
- I left my lighter in the toilet.
- Gawd's sake. You don't need it.
- I need it.
Richard, I'm going to ban smoking in here.
Tomorrow, the signs are going up.
You want to thicken your French accent
up a bit, mate,
like you've just come over from Paris.
Give them a bit of that ooh-la-la stuff.
Bit more of that "parlez-vous franais?"
Then you would not understand me, Mr Spica.
I don't know. I've always been able
to understand French letters.
Georgina!
What the hell are you doing in here?
Georgina?
You've been in here for ages.
What are you doing, having a baby?
I'm, er, I'm just...
- I'm just having a quiet smoke.
- Smoke?
You know how you hate
me smoking at the table.
Gawd's sake, Georgina.
Why tell me lies about a lost lighter?
I didn't, I left it here
on the ledge in front of the mirror.
I'll be out in a few moments.
Don't hang around the ladies,
you'll embarrass the customers.
Show me the lighter.
There.
Do you want a cigarette as well?
Don't be so bloody stupid.
What are you doing in there,
Georgina, eh?
You playing with yourself?
That's not allowed, that's my property.
You're not allowed to fiddle with it.
Shut up, Albert.
Let me in, I'll show you
how to wipe yourself.
Go away. I'll be out in a minute.
Well, don't be long.
I'll order you some gteau aux poivres.
Some profiteroles.
And wash your hands.
You don't know the women who use this place.
You took your time.
I thought you'd like me to wait for you.
You smell nice and sweaty.
Wash your hands, I'll give you a kiss.
You know what they say about men
who hang around ladies' lavatories?
What do they say about men
who hang around ladies' lavatories?
They're asking to have
their illusions shattered.
Yeah.
You hold no illusions for me, Georgie, eh?
No stone's been left unturned.
Look, just go order my profiteroles,
will you?
Come on.
Come on.
I think these Ethiopians like starving.
It keeps them slim and graceful,
with those big heads and dreamy eyes.
You know those kids.
You're sick.
I might well be
if you're being so priggish.
What do you know,
Georgina, about the starving?
You can have anything you want.
Where you been? You're late.
It's Friday night.
There's a lot of money about.
A decent man needs gloves
to touch this stuff.
Let's have a look.
That's just what this restaurant needs.
Start laying them out.
What's the matter, Mitchel?
Don't you like mussels?
You got to learn to like them
if you're going to eat with me.
Don't you dare throw up in here!
Or I'll get Spangler to stuff 'em
back down your throat.
From the Malay restaurant.
The food poisoning scared them,
they're paying up.
I'm sure they don't need
our assistance with that.
That stuff they eat,
they'd poison themselves with it.
Some of them Indians are well known
for drinking their own pee.
The same water would go round and round.
Of course, you're bound to lose some
through evaporation.
Then you'd have to top it up.
Whose pee would you drink first?
- Erm...
- Me, I'd have a ready supply, wouldn't I?
Georgie and I have
our little sessions when we...
Good God, what have you got there?
Even you are getting compliments
from the chef, are you?
Being a guinea pig
for a Boarst experiment, are we?
Good God, looks like, er,
food for constipated French rabbits.
Albert, why don't you order me some Chianti?
You know I like Chianti.
In the bottle with the wrapping around it.
Then I can take it home
and hang it on the wall.
Grace, haven't you got
enough of them already?
No.
Where the hell are you going?
- To the toilet.
- You haven't had anything to drink yet.
She's got a bladder like a leaky marrow.
Don't be long!
- You've upset her.
- Rubbish.
Don't be long! You're so talkative tonight,
we couldn't stand the silence without you.
Wash your hands!
- Questo, questo.
- Cazzo.
Dove hai imparato a cucinare?
velenoso.
Vieni qua.
That's off!
Uh.
- This custard's salty.
- It is sauce Hollandaise.
Can I help you, Mr Spica?
I've come about
those special complimentary dishes.
In future, all the guests at my table
shall receive them.
Why is my fish taking so long?
You can carry it in yourself,
if you like, Mr Spica.
- What are you looking for?
- Nothing. You bring it.
You would not be looking for your wife?
No, of course not.
Mr Spica, I have something to show you.
What is this?
New cutlery.
Give your restaurant some style.
I brought in 300 sets.
My men are just re-laying the tables.
Not very good quality, Mr Spica.
You could use them at home, Mr Spica.
All 300 of them.
Where have you been? Wiping your bum?
Did you use your left hand
like I showed you?
Where'd you get this stuff, Mews?
It's rubbish, falling apart.
Take 'em back.
Get a 150% refund. God.
What are you eating, Georgie? Not much.
Ha! I see others here
get the same special attentions.
What is it? Looks like
some sort of... watery salade.
That's not up to much.
Expensive, no doubt, but not fattening.
You've got to keep your strength up,
you're looking peaky.
Kidneys, liver, iron, that's what you need.
Do you know a cow drinks
its own weight in water twice a week?
For milk, you see,
because a cow's got great big tits.
Just like you, eh, Georgie?
You gentlemen will have to take it
for granted because
for some reason best known to herself,
she's left her bra off.
Have you, Cory, ever tasted human milk?
I mean recently.
All them years ago don't count.
You couldn't really appreciate
what you were enjoying then, could you?
I bet human milk's a great delicacy
in some countries. It ought to be here.
Do you know, Cory, who could supply us
with some human milk?
Warm, straight from the receptacle, so to speak?
Don't joke! It's a precious commodity,
not a joking matter!
Georgie wouldn't joke about it, would you?
Would you, Georgie?
You're a credit to women. You could
show these young women a thing or two.
You could teach these young men
a thing or two. Take Mitchel.
On second thoughts, don't,
cos he's a crude little bugger.
- Then how come you haven't got any kids?
- Kids?
Who needs kids? Who wants kids?
I want kids.
We'll have kids one day, won't we, eh?
When you're bloody old and grey, most like!
Yeah. Your trouble is
you don't eat properly.
You should drink more water
and eat more kidneys
and then you might bloody well have
a bloody baby someday.
Georgie doesn't like babies, do you?
You know, sometimes, Georgie,
I think you behave like a bloke.
What days are those, then, Albert?
- What's it like?
- You what?
Get away from this table,
you mucky little wimp!
Go and eat your vegetable soup
in the kitchen, you dirty little pervert!
Go on, get on with your eating, eh?
It's only Mitchel making a fool of himself.
Now, stand in the corner.
Cory, make him a paper hat.
Stand in the corner
like a naughty little boy.
Stand there.
Take your knife and fork with you.
- Don't be stupid.
- Do you want to join him?
Leave him alone. He's only
copying you like he always does.
You behave, he'll behave.
- I'm leaving.
- Yes, we are leaving.
Gracie, here. Pay the bill and take a taxi.
Yeah. Georgie and I
might go for a little drive.
It's our wedding anniversary tomorrow.
Might drive down to the sea,
have some fun under the pier
like we used to.
Oops. I am sorry.
Still, this isn't a library,
it's a restaurant.
They got people for that.
Richard.
This needs cooking.
Grill it with some mashed peas.
Wash me thoroughly
From my iniquity
And cleanse me...
What's a young lad like you doing
washing dishes?
That's woman's work,
ain't you got what it takes? Hey!
My God, armour plating.
You protect yourself, son, you need it.
Innocence. That's what I had
before I met Georgie.
- That's just what they want.
- Albert. Come on, you're drunk.
- Come on!
- Shall I sing for you?
- What?
- Albert, come on, he's only a child.
Sing for me, yes. Yes, you can sing for me.
Get up there. You sing, yeah.
I was a good singer when I was a little boy,
wasn't I, Georgie?
Come on, now. You sing to me. Eh?
Come on. Sing, damn you!
Wash me thoroughly
From my iniquity
- And cleanse...
- You can't keep it up, can you? No.
I was a choirboy once.
Yes. Women like choirboys.
I was almost a choirboy when I met Georgie.
But you spoilt all that, didn't you?
Georgie was a very good education,
she could teach a young man anything.
Come on, Georgie, show the young boy
what you showed me.
- Albert.
- Go on, show the little boy...
- Albert!
- You do what I tell you, will you?
You come out in that car park with me,
both of you. Come on.
Out in the car park. Come on.
I'll give you the best education,
show you what a great
teacher Georgie can be.
Don't touch him!
- Leave him alone.
- I'll show you what a great teacher...
Oh, I see. So I'm not supposed to do that?
I'll give you an education.
- Albert, please leave him alone.
- Oh, no.
Stand there and don't you move.
- Just leave him be.
- Watch this.
- No. Wait till we get home, Albert.
- Georgie. Georgie, come here.
Right. What's all this?
You're not wearing any bloody knickers.
You've been sitting in that restaurant
with no knickers on?
With Cory and Mitchel and all those people?
What's this mean?
Where are they? Give them to me at once.
Go on. Look at this.
Get in that car, you dirty whore.
Why don't you take everything off?
Get in there. Go on! Get in that car!
- Now you! You get in there as well.
- No!
- Go on. Get in there. Get in.
- No! Please!
- No! No! No!
- Get in there! Get in.
Right...
No!
Wash me thoroughly
From my iniquity
And cleanse me from my sins
Have mercy upon me...
I have two minutes.
Purge me with hyssop
And I shall be
Clean
Wash me
Wash me
And I shall be whiter than snow
Make me to hear
Thy joy and gladness.
That the bones
That Thou hast broken may rejoice.
Do you know, Mitchel,
what prairie oysters are?
Fish.
So if someone feeds you a prairie oyster,
what would you be eating?
Fish. Like from the lakes and that.
They're the...
The clams with the little pearls in.
Prairie oysters would be very precious
to their owners. No.
No, look. Imagine...
Just imagine that this is a prairie oyster.
Now, go on. Eat that. Go on.
Put it in your mouth. Go on. Go on.
Now, what's it taste like?
- Wet bread.
- No.
It's all squishy with gritty bits in it.
That's the sand.
That's the sand. You're a comic.
No, you mule. It's got a skin round it.
- Do you spit the skin out?
- No.
Pick it out of your teeth afterwards,
chump it up.
Now, swallow that, go on, swallow it.
Swallow it.
Go on, that's right.
Now, Mitchel, you have just eaten
a sheep's bollock.
The next time I ask you
to work for me, Mitchel,
I'll be expecting you to chew
someone's bollocks off on demand.
Oh, you're back.
What do you find in that toilet
that's so fascinating?
I'll go and have a pee and a look.
What have they got
since I was last in there?
Velvet seats, dirty pictures?
Hah.
Free perfume? A private drinks bar?
Cor, what a disgusting smell in here!
Must be the pigs using it, eh?
How disgusting it is.
Ha! Urgh, how horrible. Disgusting.
Revolting place, needs airing out.
What's this?
Gaw, phwoar, phwoar...
Look. "There was a young man from Uckinham
who got caught while he was..."
That is disgusting!
People ought to be locked up for that.
Absolutely appalling.
Not what I'm used to at all.
It's disgraceful.
Don't you reckon, don't you think?
Yes. God.
- 'Ere, what are you looking at?
- What are you talking about?
Don't pretend. You're waiting
for my young associates, aren't you?
A man ought to be able to piss
without harassment.
- How dare you? I'm getting the manager.
- I am the manager.
And you are out on the street.
Caught loitering in a toilet.
Yeah.
That's what these people need.
Short, sharp, shock treatment.
Hello. What are you doing? Reading again?
This is a restaurant,
not a library.
The only thing you're allowed
to read in here is the menu.
You are insulting the chef.
Reading gives you indigestion,
didn't you know that?
Don't read at the table.
You know, I've just been reading stuff
to make your hair curl.
Out there, in the toilet.
That's the sort of stuff
people read, not this sort of thing.
Don't you feel out of touch?
Does this stuff make money?
You know, I bet you're
the only man who's read this book.
But I bet you,
every man in this restaurant
has had a read at
that stuff out there.
It makes you think, doesn't it?
You know, I reckon you read
because you got nobody to talk to.
I tell you what. So you shouldn't eat alone,
why don't you come and join us?
Come and meet my wife.
She's seen you.
I know she's sorry for you
sitting here all alone.
She likes to read too.
She spends hours sitting on the bed reading.
She even reads on the john.
This is Cory.
This is Mitchel.
He can't read, can you, Mitchel?
- Yes, I can.
- Yeah. Comics and dirty magazines.
And this is Georgina. She is my wife.
What's your name?
Michael.
Well, Michael.
Oh, is that a Jewish name, Michael?
Do you eat kosher food then, Michael?
Sit down, Michael, and tell us
all about kosher food, Michael.
- I'm sorry but I'm not Jewish.
- Oh, why be sorry, why hide it?
60% of the people in this restaurant
are a touch Jewish, Michael.
Richard, set another place for Michael.
He is Jewish, so maybe you could find him
some spare ribs. No pork.
Oh, no she won't -- He won't need those.
We're going to hold a conversation,
aren't we?
You can start, Georgie.
Tell Michael all about yourself.
I'm sure your wife would
rather eat in peace.
No. Talk, Georgina.
Here's your chance
to improve your table conversation.
Tell Michael you live in a big house
and you spend 400 a week on clothes.
I spend 400 a week on clothes.
You have a petrol allowance of 40 a week.
I have a petrol allowance of 40 a week,
which I never use.
- You wear beautiful things.
- I wear beautiful things.
- You eat in the best restaurants.
- I eat in the best restaurants.
Georgina, try a little harder, please.
- I go to a good hairdresser.
- Yes, the best there is.
- I go to a good dentist.
- Yes, yeah, oh, yeah. He's Jewish.
- I go to a good gynaecologist.
- You what?
Who says it's unlikely
I'll ever have a baby.
Michael doesn't want to know that.
That the three miscarriages
have ruined my insides.
That isn't true,
Michael doesn't need to know that.
Now, drink up, Michael,
let's talk about you.
What do you do?
I'm a gynaecologist.
- You're a what?
- You could always come and see me.
We don't need to discuss that subject.
Being infertile makes me a safe bet
for a good screw.
Shut up, Georgie!
I must apologise for my wife, Michael.
If you don't get back to your table,
you're in danger of losing it.
The place gets very full about now.
Mitchel, take Michael back to his table.
Tell him about horses.
Oh, it's all right, Mr Spica, thank you.
I prefer to read my book.
Besides, I've finished. Thank you.
Thank you for introducing me to your wife.
I like your name.
What the hell do you think you're doing? Eh?
Telling a complete stranger
intimate details about us?
It's not about us. It's about me.
It's about us!
And what's all this,
how much time you spend in that loo?
What's all this about a gynaecologist?
Who is he?
It'd better be a she.
I don't want some bloke
fingering my wife about.
It's a man. He's Jewish.
- And he's from Ethiopia.
- What?
His mother is a Roman Catholic,
he's been in prison in South Africa,
he's as black as the ace of spades
and probably drinks his own pee.
- Take that, you bitch!
- Oh!
You lying, ungrateful bitch!
You get in that car.
It's the doghouse for you, you bitch.
Bloody gynaecologist. Blasted gynaecologist.
Get up. Get up.
Get in the car, you slag.
Get in there. Go on.
Yeah.
Maiser came here.
And Trelawny with his black lady friends
who wore peaches in their hair.
- Peaches?
- Imitation.
And the Austrian brothers sat by the door -
high-wire professionals.
Great balancers, sloppy with money.
And Tim Tranter drank soup here out of a
cup with a straw when his jaw was broken.
There used to be a mark up there
where Goshy Capps threw a plate of kippers.
- Kippers?
- Yes, kippers, for God's sake.
You wouldn't find kippers here.
- They serve kippers for breakfast here.
- You've had breakfast here?
The ferryman and his lady
ate here every morning.
The ferryman was a poofter.
And fish disagreed with him.
- Who are all these people?
- Small-time crooks and pimps...
Boarst painted it out.
I'll get him to paint it back again.
...gigolos, busted boxers, cheap whores...
I've got the clippings at home.
...bullies, hairdressers, faggots.
- Robin Hoods.
- No, just hoods.
- You're getting very smart.
- Smart? Even his slang's out of date.
Now I'm the clientele,
you understand? Me.
And Georgie here and Cory Peterson.
The coq Au Vin is good.
- Cock a what?
- Chicken cooked in wine, you mule.
- Bess Riddle lived on coq Au Vin.
- More of the coq than the Vin.
Starkie, there are ladies present.
- Or there were. Where's she gone?
- Gracie's no lady, are you?
- She must have a bladder infection.
- She's one of us.
There's nothing wrong
except she disappears to the John.
And which of the bladder infections
do you have, Starkie?
Ladies go to the toilet, not the john.
Real ladies don't go to the toilet,
they go to the bathroom.
- Boarst hasn't got a bathroom.
- Shut your mouth.
You'd pee in your pants
before you'd recognise a respectable WC.
So, he's broken the silence for us
and your name is Georgina.
Yes. And don't ever call me Georgie.
You have beautiful eyes, Georgina.
And you have a beautiful prick,
Mr Gynaecologist.
- I have?
- Yes, whatever its racist beliefs.
- Your husband is a curiosity.
- He is?
Why?
Why what?
Why am I married to him?
Why aren't you married?
- How do you know I'm not?
- You're not.
- I'm not.
- Why?
I once saw a film in which the
main character didn't speak
for the first half an hour.
Like us?
Do all the minutes we've been together
add up to half an hour?
I was completely absorbed as to what would
happen because anything was possible.
And then?
He spoilt it - he spoke.
- And?
- Within five minutes, I'd lost interest.
So now you've opened your mouth,
do you expect me to lose interest?
It was only a film.
Erm, now, we've been talking for one minute.
We've got four minutes left
before you lose interest.
Four minutes. That's enough.
Where's the bomb?
He's, er... He's eating
avocado vinaigrette and prawns.
With his fingers.
Kiss me.
- Your restaurant's noisy, Spica.
- It's popular on a Sunday night.
I like a quiet restaurant, with floor shows.
Boarst is a culinary artist,
not a fancy entertainer.
But we're here to please you, Terry.
We'll get you a floor show.
Cory, phone Santini. Five girls - strippers.
Make it decent, will you?
My daughter's present.
Five dancing girls with music.
Strictly no filth, only class.
And make it quiet.
I want to keep my ears till I'm 90.
God, Terry, what sort of floor show
do you like? Mute nuns?
If they call me Mr Fitch, I might.
I'm only Terry to my wife, Spica.
- Like me.
- You're Terry and all, are you?
- I'm only Albert to Georgina.
- Even when she's in the loo?
- Shut your whore up, Cory!
- God, you're noisy, Spica.
Makes for indigestion.
Don't you find, love? What's your name?
Patricia, Mr Fitch.
Are you a good dancer?
You look as if you might be a good dancer.
We'd like to see you get up
and dance, with Geoff.
Geoff's a very good dancer.
- There's no dancing allowed.
- I always eat at home.
- Best place.
- No food poisoning.
Ricky Boarst is as safe as houses.
He keeps a very clean kitchen, go and see.
I'd like to see.
- Mitchel, take the lady to see the kitchen.
- I'll take her myself, Spica.
- Show me the way.
- Through that door.
I'll call in the bathroom
and send Georgie back tout de suite.
That means immediately.
- Your new girlfriend's cheap, Cory.
- She's only practising her French.
It's a French restaurant, isn't it?
Someone's having pheasant for dinner.
One, two, three, four, five, six, seven...
We could be interrupted, um... 700 times.
What's your boyfriend
paying you, Patricia?
Paying me? He doesn't pay me.
He buys me meals and drinks.
- Doesn't he give you no pocket money?
- No.
Nothing for a tuna fish sandwich
late at night or a bottle of gin
- to make you forget what you had for lunch?
- No.
It stinks here.
Listen, how about if...
if I gave you some pocket money?
What do I have to do to earn it?
OK, here they are. Where's Fitch?
Phillipe, clear those tables.
We need more space.
- But Mr Spica, they are eating.
- Move them.
You are in the way of the floor show.
You're gonna have to move.
We're in the middle of our meal.
If you're going to eat quite quickly,
you can finish your soup.
After all, you don't want
to get trampled on, do you?
Hold him. Hold him.
It's a pity you didn't take my advice.
All that lovely food.
Richard will be disappointed.
Now, you're gonna have to eat in the kitchen
like naughty little children, eh?
Hey, what is your name?
What did you say?
Did I hear you say William?
Well, naughty little Willie,
tiny little Willie,
how would you like
to be spanked on your big, fat bottom?
Seeing as you're so keen
on Richard's mushrooms, William,
you, I'm gonna give you five,
the count of five
and I want to see you
on the way to the kitchen
or you'll be out in the street!
Get out.
I am waiting, I am waiting
Come up with something sometime now
We're only here for love...
- Oh, look at the time. I must go back.
- One minute more.
- No.
- 30 seconds.
Oh! Oh!
Oh. What the hell are you doing?
I bought meself a ride.
Why don't you keep still?
Sorry, I had a surprise.
What bloody surprises
could there be possibly left for you?
I give up, you bitch.
I'm sick of jumpy whores.
You're only worth a Fitch one star -
that ain't for looks,
that's for availability.
I am waiting
I am waiting
Come up with something sometime now
We're only here for love
Outside the reach of money
Beyond the reach of fame
We're not for buying or lending out...
Look who's just come out of the woodwork.
Be quick and be tight
And be it not and be right
Then be slow and...
- What've you been doing?
- I've just been earning you good money.
And I've just seen
how we can earn ourselves some more.
Then go.
We have complaints
of offensive smells
from two vans on the restaurant premises.
The restaurant denies any responsibility.
Over.
Why can't we meet somewhere else?
That's impossible.
It's better to do it under his nose.
He'll never believe I do it
right under his nose
between courses,
between the hors d'oeuvres
and the canard l' orange,
between the dessert and the coffee.
Besides,
I'm learning fast
how to cut corners, save time.
I'm getting good at it, aren't I, Michael?
Aren't I?
Aren't I getting good at it? Aren't I?
Aren't I getting good at it?
Aren't I getting good at it? Oh.
Last night was bloody awful
and you're to blame, Cory.
- Tonight you'll starve.
- I don't like the foreign muck anyway.
Don't talk to me like that,
you uneducated prat!
You couldn't organise
a rape in a brothel!
The girls were lousy, the music was lousy,
you mucked the whole thing up.
Couldn't keep your own girl
under control at all. Tch!
- First she shows off...
- I didn't.
Shut your face, who's talking to you?
Then she goes and plays hard to get.
I mean, if she's been with you, Cory,
how the hell can she be hard to get?
Spangler, get us a drink, quickly.
Then she upsets Fitch in some way.
- Fitch is a pig.
- Fitch has got manners.
He was like a bear with a sore head.
Did you piss in his pants?
Then she's giggling like a virgin
playing with a candle.
You'll have to make it up to him.
He likes you, though you look like a bloke.
- Perhaps he likes blokes.
- None of that homosexual talk.
He'll remember.
Yesterday evening's got my name on it.
I'm not going with him.
He sweats and stinks and he can't make it.
- Shut your whore up, Cory.
- Like Georgie?
Shut up!
She's a fine woman.
She's never let me down.
- You must be joking.
- Shut up, Pat!
- She's upset.
- What do you mean, I must be joking?
- Here. Get rid of her.
- Don't do that to a woman.
- I do what I like to a woman.
- That's your trouble.
No wonder Georgie looks like she does
and hates your guts.
- What are you talking about?
- No wonder she screws around.
You what?
You're so bloody blind,
you'd never notice.
- Shut up! She's raving.
- I'm not. I saw them.
- Who?
- Georgie and that Jew.
- What Jew?
- That bloke who sits over there, reading.
Haven't you noticed?
They always go off to the John together.
You what?
Why do you think Georgie's
always in the john?
You blind bat.
She doesn't have the shits
every five minutes.
Shit!
Shh. It's all right.
It's all right. Shh. Quiet.
Shh. Shh.
Shh.
I'm going to the loo.
Georgina!
Georgina!
Georgina, where are you,
you bitch? Georgina!
- What are you doing? Get out!
- Get out, you bitch. Georgina!
Where are you? Get out!
Go on, get out!
Where are you?
- No, please!
- Get out of here! Get out, you...
Please, no! Please, no!
- Go on! Georgie!
- Please, no.
Where are you, Georgie?
It's over. He has found out.
Georgina? Georgina!
Georgina!
Georgie! You get out.
I'll get him to leave.
- Richard, don't get into trouble over me.
- Georgie!
- Let's go and face him.
- Don't be mad. He'll kill you!
Come quickly. Come with me.
- Wait here five minutes.
- We'll freeze to death.
He will never look in here.
Only five minutes. I will get your clothes.
Georgie, where are you?
Georgina! Georgie, where are you?
Georgie. Georgie.
You! Where is she? Where's my wife?
- What's the matter?
- You know. Fetching her cigarettes.
- Where's my wife?
- Your wife is your affair.
This is not a lost property office.
I want my wife! Where is she?
You! You stupid little rat.
Where's my wife? Where is she?
If you have finished,
I'll ask you to leave the kitchen.
- I have other diners to consider.
- Oh! Uh!
I'm the only diner who matters here.
I own this restaurant.
I want my wife. You've hidden her.
Where is she?
God keep me calm! Where are they?
Georgina! Georgina!
Georgina! Georgina!
Georgina! Where is she, Boarst?
Boarst, where is she? Georgie! Georgie!
Georgie, you bitch!
Hard around.
Georgie! I want my wife!
Georgie!
I'll bloody find her.
I'll bloody find her.
I'll find them. I'll bloody find them.
I knew it. Scheming tart!
I'll bloody find them
and I'll bloody kill him!
And I'll bloody eat him!
I'll kill him and I'll eat him!
- I'll kill him and then I'll eat him.
- Oh, shit!
I'll eat him!
I'll eat him!
We can get you out.
Eden can drive you.
Where do you want to go?
I know a place.
- What about our clothes?
- I'll get them to you. Quickly.
Quickly. Quick.
No. No. No, no.
No, please. Aah! No.
What is this place?
It's a book depository.
When my bookshop is quiet,
I do a stocktaking job.
I'm cataloguing French history.
There's a kitchen and a bathroom.
It's a bit primitive but there's
an extraordinary view.
Have you read all these books?
No.
It's not necessary
for the book-keeper to read all the stock.
With a job like this,
you could be very boring.
Are we safe here?
Does Albert read?
No.
If you don't read, does that make you safe?
Only from bad books.
You could spend a lifetime in here reading.
You could. Two lifetimes - yours and mine.
- Is that what I'm in for?
- No.
What good are all these books to you?
You can't eat them.
How can they make you happy?
I've always found them very reasonable.
They don't change their minds
when you're not looking.
That sounds like a disadvantage to me.
Kiss me.
Wash me thoroughly
From my iniquity
And blot out...
- I...
- Blot out...
- I think perhaps...
- My...?
I think perhaps we'll leave the singing.
Do you agree, until later, maybe?
How is the restaurant?
- It's all right.
- And Richard? Mr Boarst?
He's fine.
Is there any more trouble,
er, like last night?
- No, sir.
- Would you like to join us?
No, thank you.
I'll eat later with Mr Boarst.
Enjoy your meal.
Thank you.
Erm, have you any other news to tell us?
Mr Boarst says...
He told me to tell you to stay put
and he wishes you bon apptit.
Thank you.
When you're finished,
I'm to take the dishes back.
Oh, if you find any of those books
interesting, you can borrow them.
Wa-woo! Di-Di-Di-Di-dah-da!
All right, where are they? Where are they?
- I don't know.
- You don't know?
I don't suppose you ate all this yourself.
What have we got in here? Let's see.
Fish sauce with mayonnaise
and a touch of basil. I like basil.
What else we got in here? Aha.
It's sticky. Don't tell me.
Chocolate sauce - profiteroles.
Georgina liked profiteroles.
Oh, and serviettes
with Georgina's lipstick on them.
And a nice bottle of wine. Very nice.
He's for the chop, Richard.
I'll get my hands on him.
Leave that bread roll alone. I need to know
where they are. Where are they? Eh?
That's good.
Open your mouth. Come on, open it.
- Take an interest in your food.
- We don't need to do this.
- Getting squeamish?
- He's just a kid.
- Stand him up and get his trousers down.
- Leave him alone.
Get out. Who needs fairies like you?
And take your four-eyed cousin with you.
See how you get on in the streets without
me to wipe your noses. Get lost! Righto.
OK, button eater, tell me where they are.
OK, button eater, where are they?
We've run out of buttons.
But there is one more button.
It's your belly button.
How'd you like to swallow that?
- Albert!
- You still here?
Well, then, watch this.
Wake him up! Wake him up, wake him up.
I must find out where she is!
Wake him up!
Wake him up!
Where are they?
If he comes to, he better start to talk.
I got 'em!
I have brought your dinner.
Where's the kitchen lad?
- He is in hospital.
- What?
He said he told them nothing
and I believe him.
- I must see him.
- I don't think that's wise.
I'm coming.
You must take me to him.
- Start packing.
- What have we got to pack?
Richard. Richard, bring that for Pup.
What can you do? You only endanger yourself.
I'll only be gone an hour.
Richard, you can bring me back, can't you?
Oh, poor Pup. Oh, poor Pup.
Leave me something to eat.
Of course.
Please be very careful.
Have mercy upon me
Have mercy upon me
Blot out my transgressions
Blot out my transgressions
Purge me with hyssop...
Thank you.
Wash me, wash me
And I shall be whiter than snow...
Hold him by his hair.
He hasn't got much hair to hold.
It's disgusting to be that old
and to be her lover.
He's the same age as you.
I'm her husband, not her lover.
You can only be one
and not the other?
If only he'd been a younger guy,
I could've understood.
He'd just be a passing fancy.
You bastard!
Right, Mitchel, now's your chance.
You are gonna chew bollocks.
- He's too old.
- What's that mean?
He's the same age as me - 40, almost.
If he had been a younger man
it would've been all right?
- My God.
- When you're 17, is being 40 old?
He probably hasn't had a bath recently.
God, Mitchel, you are a prize mule.
Well, I mean, certainly...
- He must've been with Georgina last night.
- No! Shut up.
Shut up, shut up, shut up, shut up!
You pissing little worm.
God, you are an idiot, Mitchel.
You can be guaranteed
to say the wrong thing at the right time.
I didn't mean that you literally
had to chew his bollocks off.
I meant it metaphorically.
What does that mean, Albert?
"Jewish Book-keeper Savaged
By Young Sex Maniac."
I don't want this to
look like a sex murder.
It's what it is,
a revenge killing,
an affair of the heart,
a crime passionnel.
I want no evil gossip
spread around about me.
They are not going to say...
They are going to say this was
a dignified revenge killing.
They're gonna admire the style.
"He was stuffed.
And Albert liked good food."
They might even smile.
"He was stuffed with
the tools of his trade."
"He was stuffed with books.
The crummy little book-keeper was..."
Mitchel, no unnecessary... No unnecessaries.
Finish him off!
Shut his mouth, hold his nose,
ram the bloody books down his throat.
Suffocate the bastard!
Michael!
Michael.
OK, so this is how you eat the crayfish.
First, you snap off the head.
Then you pull out the whiskers,
then you strip off the legs.
And then you poke out
the soft part of the body.
- You turn the light out?
- What light?
Idiot. You wouldn't remember to fart.
Place might burn down with all them books.
That would nicely
destroy the evidence.
I don't want the evidence destroyed, idiot!
I want Georgina to see it.
What did he say?
The French Revolution
was easier to swallow than Napoleon.
Napoleon was a prat. He wasted everything,
he threw everything away.
Napoleon was keen on seafood.
His favourite dish was
oysters Florentine.
It's amazing, isn't it?
Churchill liked seafood.
All the great generals were keen on seafood.
What did Julius Caesar like, or Hitler?
Hitler liked clams.
And Mussolini liked squid.
- You're making it up.
- Oh, yeah? What do you know, Harris?
- What did the bookseller eat?
- You could tell from his vomit.
What do I care what he ate?
It all comes out as shit in the end.
I'm so tired.
I'm going to sleep.
I've got a lot to tell you in the morning.
And I want you to listen.
Somebody should know.
And who can I tell but you?
And then...
when I wake up in the morning,
I want you to kiss me.
And then I want breakfast.
Erm, coffee and fresh rolls and butter
and marmalade.
And toast.
And...
Good night, Michael.
I'll see you in the morning.
I love you.
You shouldn't have done that, Albert.
It wasn't worth it.
You what?
Georgina wasn't worth it?
How bloody dare you say that?
Georgina's worth a thousand
snooty little Jewish book-keeping clerks
who masturbate over their
French Revolution.
I'm saying that the book-keeper
is gonna get us into a lot of trouble
and he wasn't worth it.
Calm down, Albert.
Little circumcised mediocrity
was screwing my wife!
I will not calm down!
I've seen you, Harris, eyeing Georgina,
looking at another man's wife.
I've seen you watch her skirt fly up
when she got out of the car.
Yes, I've seen you sniffing her, Harris.
And to think I ever trusted you with her,
that I ever trusted you to drive her home
when I was drunk.
You get out of this restaurant!
Calm down.
Mitchel, get Richard in here.
I want this man banned, Mitchel. Get out!
- If you want to shout...
- I can shout in my own restaurant!
I own this restaurant. Get out! Fuck you!
Go, you mule! Richard, I'm closing you up.
- Really?
- You are finished, Richard.
Your restaurant is -- allowing
decent people to dine with wife snatchers.
You're finished!
I think not, Mr Spica!
And if I did, where would you eat?
Who would have you?
Now, if you'd kindly leave, we can start
clearing up the mess you have made.
I'm warning you, Richard.
Tomorrow your restaurant
will be just one big car park.
- Nothing more.
- I wonder how you will do that.
A bulldozer, Richard.
Your cuisine will be
20 feet under brick dust.
Get out of it, Harris.
You get out of it.
Go on. I can tell loyalty when I see it.
Well, Michael,
you didn't kiss me
so...
I suppose I have to make my own breakfast.
Don't get up yet.
Well, Michael,
that's that.
Short and very sweet.
Now you're not listening,
I suppose I could tell you about Albert.
I meant to tell you eventually
but I'd have to
get to know you better because...
Well, because I'd be so ashamed.
But it's important that I tell you now
so that I can have done with it.
Albert beat me. Well, I know you know that.
You saw the bruises.
He was regular in his habits.
After we got back from that restaurant,
he'd make me get a hot, wet towel
and accompany him to the toilet.
And I'd have to wipe his...
After I finished, he... he made... Oh...
Help me, Michael.
On his side of the bed he had
a suitcase with all kinds of objects in it.
Er, a toothbrush,
a wooden spoon,
a plastic train,
a wine bottle.
And he'd use them.
If I didn't do it whilst he watched,
he'd insist on doing it himself.
At least when I did it,
it hurt less.
I don't think he was
very interested in sex -
I mean, not with me,
not with women.
I left him four times.
I caught the night ferry.
He and Harris found me in Brussels,
they brought me back.
On the boat, Albert cried,
bought me presents.
But then after we landed,
when we got just outside the harbour,
before the motorway starts,
he stopped the car
and he and Harris and
Spangler dragged me out
and stripped me and beat me.
Michael,
all this must finish.
Help me, Michael. Please.
He's dead.
They stuffed his mouth with paper
ripped from his favourite book.
- Could you cook him?
- Cook who, Georgina?
Michael.
No. Mon dieu, non.
You have a reputation
for a wide range of experimental dishes.
He might taste good.
I'm sure he would taste good.
What would taste best?
His heart? His liver?
The cheeks of his backside?
His prairie oysters?
Georgina,
sit down.
Sit down.
When you make out a menu,
how do you price each dish?
I charge a lot for anything black.
Grapes, olives, blackcurrants.
People like to remind themselves of death,
eating black food is like consuming death,
like saying, "Death, I'm eating you."
Black truffles are the most expensive.
And caviar.
Death and birth.
The end and the beginning.
Don't you think it's appropriate
that the most expensive items are black?
We also charge for vanity.
Diet foods have an additional surcharge
of 30%,
Aphrodisiacs, 50%.
And from what I saw,
your lover did not need an aphrodisiac.
What did you see?
I want to know.
Nobody knew but you.
Everyone pitied me. Even you pitied me.
And how can I know that he loved me
if there were no witnesses?
If you loved him, that does not seem
to be a very necessary question.
Yes, it does! Tell me what you know!
What I saw was what you let me see.
Of course it was.
How could I know that it was real
unless someone else was watching?
Tell me what you saw.
Or are you ashamed to tell me?
No.
I saw him kissing you
on the mouth,
on the neck,
behind your ear.
I saw him undressing you.
I saw him kissing your breasts.
I saw him put his hand between your legs.
And what did you see me do?
I saw you kiss him on the mouth.
I saw you lying under him
on the floor of the pantry.
I saw him take you from behind.
I saw you take his penis in your mouth.
I saw you...
Do lovers always behave like that?
My parents behaved like that.
They did?
You saw them?
And lovers in the cinema
sometimes behave like that.
No, that doesn't count.
And in my fantasy,
lovers always behave like that.
Were you jealous?
Did we make you jealous?
Did you want to join us?
- If you did, help me now.
- Georgina, no.
In memory of us making love in your kitchen
and in your fantasies, help me now.
No.
In memory of your parents making love,
help me now.
Georgina, no!
People I like learn my name too late.
Too late?
Cook Michael for me.
No.
This was his favourite restaurant.
It's also mine.
Cook Michael for me.
If I did,
who would ever eat here again?
How can I make you change your mind?
Do you want to make love with me?
You can do what he did.
How can I persuade you?
You can't. You may have loved him...
You know I did, you saw me.
But you don't have to eat him, Georgina.
Do you... do you have some idea
that by eating him
he can become part of you?
You can't believe that by eating him
you can always be together!
I'm not eating him.
- Albert is.
- Albert?
There's 11,000. It's Michael's.
Put your money away.
Where is he?
What's going on here?
Why do I suddenly have to come in
to my own restaurant like a stranger?
Special invitations.
Which I might say
could've gone to a better printer.
I have to bang on the door like an outcast.
Well, well, well.
Georgina Duckles.
What brings you here, you bitch?
I'm very surprised you so brazenly
show your face here, you slut.
Where you been, Georgina?
Albert has been frantic.
Shut up, Grace. Find me a drink.
Happy anniversary, Albert.
I'll bloody kill you
for what you did to me!
- You should find that easy.
- Don't think I'm taking you back.
I'll make you pay, you slut.
Your bottom's going to be
very, very sore for weeks.
No more books for you, girl.
You're staying in under lock and key.
There's going to be no more books
or prick-sniffing for you, girl.
Happy anniversary, Albert.
What are you talking about,
Happy anniversary?
It's not my birthday.
No, that's true, but it's an anniversary
that I shall always celebrate,
even if you won't.
And you won't.
What are you talking about?
Where is everybody?
They'll be here presently.
- Look, Georgina.
- What?
- It's all over now.
- What is?
Grace, just go and look
out of a window or something.
Oh.
Mitchel, bugger off out of it.
Look, Georgina, when the others arrive...
Where are they?
It says nine o'clock on the invitation.
- Where are they gonna sit?
- They'll be here presently.
Look, Georgina, you didn't...
didn't really like him, did you?
I mean, how could you like
a bloody book-keeper, a nobody?
I tell you what. I'll try...
We'll.. we will forget it, eh?
Eh? Come home with me.
Tell you the truth, Georgie,
I've been a bit miserable.
- Since it is your anniversary...
- What bloody anniversary?
I've brought you a present.
Look, I don't need presents.
It's me who gives you presents,
you've always known that.
Besides, you've never had
the money to give me presents.
And Richard has cooked it for you.
- Under my instructions.
- Oh?
Knowing how you like to eat.
Knowing how you like to gorge yourself.
And we've brought a few
of your friends around.
What sort of party is this, Georgie?
What's going on?
Sit down, Albert.
Can't I sit down, Georgina?
No, this is Albert's special treat.
- 'Ere, I'm not eating with that Roy there.
- Shut up, Albert.
You're here to enjoy yourself.
Georgie.
Jesus!
God.
No, it's not God, Albert.
It's Michael.
My lover.
You vowed you would kill him,
and you did.
And you vowed you would eat him.
Now eat him.
What's the matter, Albert?
You have your knife and fork.
You do know how to use them.
Or have all those carefully-learnt
table manners gone to waste?
Mitchel can pour you a drink.
Your waiter has opted out.
Er, Grace will pour for you.
Non, monsieur!
Eat, Albert.
Roy, pour Albert a drink.
Try the cock, Albert.
It's a delicacy.
And you know where it's been.
Go on, Albert.
Eat.
Bon apptit.
It's French.
Cannibal.