Cooties (2014) Movie Script
Shh.
It's a beautiful summer day
Temperatures expected to reach
the upper 80s.
In recent news,
a health advisory was reported
From happy poultry farms.
Now, they're telling us that
they're issuing a full recall
For their precooked
chicken tenders
And also their buffalo chicken
tenders.
Now, this only applies
to the chicken
That was packaged on Friday
and delivered to suburbs
Such as fort chicken
and Danville.
- Happy poultry advises...
- Morning, honey.
Rise and shine.
Morning, mom.
How's the book going?
Good.
I've been working really
hard on it...
Rewriting it.
It's a first draft, you know?
Did you get a chance
to read the manuscript?
I did, and I loved it.
Oh, well, any thoughts?
Criticisms?
No.
I thought it was wonderful.
I'm not gonna become
a better writer if I don't get
Constructive criticism.
Please, I'm begging you.
Well, um...
I did think the characters were
a tiny bit unlikable.
That's more like it.
Noted.
I found myself a little bored
to be honest.
And I heart honesty.
I also didn't know what was
going on and where we were.
It wasn't explained very well.
Frankly, I couldn't figure out
the plot.
It was kind of insulting,
and there was no specificity
In the writing
in terms of time and place.
Okay.
And where was
the inciting incident?
Okay, okay.
This is... This is... Wow!
Thank you.
But mostly I loved it.
Now, get on up and teach
those summer school kids
How to write like you.
The boat was evil,
But he loved the boat.
The boat was evil
But he didn't know
just how evil.
The boat was evil,
but it was an acceptable level
Of evil.
The seafaring vessel...
The schooner was evil.
It's getting there.
Jesus.
I've come full circle.
How very, very utterly
depressing.
What's up, amigo?
Hey, you're not my dealer.
No. No, I'm... I'm Clint...
Hey, you don't sell 'shrooms,
Do ya?
No, um, I'm Clint Hadson.
Is that Hudson?
Hadson.
Yeah, it's him.
Whoa, whoa, whoa.
So that's a no on the 'shrooms?
Right.
Excuse me!
I'm... I'm having trouble.
Don't you forget, mister,
you're grounded.
And when school's over,
you come straight home.
Fuck you, mom.
Oh, yeah?
Fuck you!
I'm just gonna miss you so much.
Can't I take it off?
No, the playground
is a war zone.
Watch it!
Sorry. Didn't see you there.
Well, maybe you should
take in your surroundings more.
Yeah.
Mr. Hudson!
Hadson.
Hi, uh, call me Clint.
Thanks so much for coming in
on such short notice.
Looks like Mrs. Kenner is down
with the stomach flu,
'Cause she is Mormon,
so that's always a possibility.
Principal Hadgis
is in the Bahamas,
When the cat's away,
The vice principal
becomes acting principal.
Yeah, I forgot they say that.
Teachers lounge is just
across the way, so go get
Well, it's not strong
enough for my taste.
To deal with these terrors,
I need the high-Octane stuff.
Isn't that right, Mrs. Gordon?
She's hilarious.
A lot of personal tragedy.
Come on into this office.
Pull up a ball chair.
Got a cell phone?
Um, yeah.
Afraid I'm gonna
have to take it.
Yep, this is a no
cell phone campus,
And we can't ask the kids
to give up something
So hand over that Crackberry.
A-Booyah.
Now, I gotta warn you.
I run a pretty tight ship.
Yeah, I'm fine with that.
Actually, it's... It's funny
you should say that.
I'm actually writing a book
about a ship.
Well, it's more of a boat.
I have it with me.
If you're asking me to describe
My pedagogical "philosophy"...
I'm not.
There are some
charter schools out of Boston
That are "absolutely"
"revolutionizing" education.
I'm not sure you know
how air quotes work.
I want to bring these kids
back to a pre-Digital era.
No cell phones, and I don't care
If it's raining Labradoodles,
I wanna get those kids outside
During recess.
Heck, I'll lock 'em out.
And I will do that.
Now, here's a map of the school.
Mrs. Kenner is in room 12.
Oh, I don't need that.
I actually used to go here.
Class of '88.
Hey, you know what that is?
That's out of sight.
All right.
Shouldn't joke about
guns, though.
No.
Not in a school.
Yeah.
That's not funny.
Yeah, my partner's
name is David.
He is awesome.
He's a little bit older
but weirdly has
This amazing body.
If I'm being completely honest,
he does have
These fantastic balls
that I just love to play with.
They're firmer and
fuzzier, so...
tennis partner.
Dave is my tennis partner.
Hi, there.
Um, you know which one of these
is Mrs. Kenner's?
Buddy, I don't know
what that bitch drinks out of.
Here's what I do know.
I know that this
is a rape button.
It emits a shit-Crazy alarm
that'll inform local police
Who arrive within two minutes
should you decide to get touchy
And/or feely.
You wanna know why I have
a rape button?
Don't answer.
Because the government
of the state of Illinois doesn't
Trust the citizenry enough
to pass safe, sensible
Conceal and carry laws.
Okay.
So any of these then?
Hmm, she's a little
Tightly wound, huh?
Oh, my god.
Lucy?
Lucy McCormick?
It... It... It's Clint Hadson.
Oh, my god!
Wow, what are you doing here?
Well, I'm subbing
for Mrs. Kenner.
Oh, my god, amazing.
I heard you lived in new York.
Yeah, I did.
But now I'm in town for a while,
staying at Charman's.
Oh.
Who's Charman?
My mom.
Ah!
But it's like a guesthouse,
so it's...
so you're a teacher now?
No.
Well, I mean, yes.
I, uh, I ended up subbing
a little in new York.
But really I'm a writer.
That's great.
Oh, well...
God, it's a scorcher
Out there, huh?
Unseasonably warm.
Yeah.
Uh, wade, have you met Clint?
I have not.
Pleased to meet you
with meat to please you.
Actually, we kinda met earlier.
You parked me in.
What are you talking about?
Nothing.
It's just that, um,
you parked so close that
I-I couldn't get out of my...
My truck's got
A dual reeow weeow.
I'm sorry?
Dual reeow weeow.
Dual weeow...
Dual weeow...
Dual reeow weeow.
It's...
Dual weeow...
Dual real wheel.
Dual real...
Reow reow.
Got a dual reeow weeow.
Dual weeow...
Dual weeow...
I don't understand.
It's got two extra wheels
on the back part of it.
Ah.
Dual rear...
So, Clint,
Heard tell you were a writer.
Hmm?
Oh, nothing that you've read,
yet.
I'm actually working
on my first novel.
Really?
Yeah.
Oh, yeah, actually why I'm home.
You know, just to hunker down
and bang out that story.
But, uh, I need a few shekels.
Shekels.
Hebrew for...
Doug.
Currency.
Okay.
Wow, good for you.
That's so exciting!
Oh, thanks.
What's it about?
Oh, uh, well,
it's... It's a horror novel.
Um, it... It's about a guy
who buys a boat,
But the boat turns out
to be possessed.
Like Christine.
I'm sorry?
Christine, Stephen king.
Guy buys a car
and it's possessed.
Oh.
Um...
but... But this is about a boat.
So it's like speed 2.
Starring?
Sandra bullock, yes, of course,
and?
Keanu reeves?
Jason Patric!
Right.
I am the biggest
Jason Patric fan.
Jason Patric.
Oh, lost boys!
They're not lost.
Kiefer.
They're vampires.
Yeah, they got lost...
All right, let's roll!
Your classroom is actually
right next to mine.
I can walk you if you want.
Oh, um, yeah.
That'd be great.
You are so fuckin' ugly.
If my butthole had a butthole,
that's what you'd look like.
Yeah, you look like
my butthole's ass.
You look like you got
chicken pox,
If chicken pox was made
out of hemorrhoids
Yeah, if chicken pox
was made out of my ass.
And here we are, fourth grade.
That's me.
And you're right up there.
Good luck.
Holler if you need anything.
The athletic office
is right down there.
Yeah, what's with that guy?
He seems like a bit of a dick.
He's my boyfriend.
Sorry I'm late, guys.
I was helping a friend out.
Eric, what is that?
You put that right down now.
Hey, did somebody order a sub?
Ooh, tough crowd.
My uncle's cancer
Took his stomach.
But his divorce...
took his mind.
Anyhoo, that was my weekend.
Let's begin, class.
Maybe we were created
by an all-Knowing god
Who sent down his only son
to die for us.
Or maybe we were monkey people
who sat around
Crappin' in each other's mouths
until one day we were like,
"I don't like all this hair.
Just on my head and crotch,
please."
Who can say?
I can't
because the state of Illinois
Doesn't allow me to, hank.
I know I'm the substitute,
but I'm also a friend.
It wasn't so long ago
that I was sitting exactly where
You are.
In fact, don't tell
those other teachers,
But I want you to call me
by my first name.
Cunt?
What?
No, you... You can't say...
Okay, no, uh, my name is Clint.
You know what?
Just call me Mr. Hadson.
Now, I'm not really a teacher.
I'm only substituting
to pay the bills.
I'm actually writing
a horror novel.
Pretty cool, huh?
Yeah, real cool, asshole.
Excuse me.
What's your name?
Patriot.
He got held back.
Shut up!
Your name is patriot?
That's right.
I was born on September 11th.
God sent me on that day.
That's why, on my 18th birthday,
I'm joining the marines, just
To kick some towel-Head ass.
Wow, a lot to unpack there.
First off, could you keep
the language down, please,
Patriot?
Otherwise I'll send you outside.
Yeah, while you were just
talking, I just looked at,
Like, a hundred vaginas.
All right.
Give me that.
Why?
Because you're not allowed
to have it.
Your principal told me.
How about I start crying
and then suggest to my parents
About how you touched me
inappropriately?
You didn't happen to write
something on a Prius
This morning, did you?
So I actually have
the first draft of my new novel
Who would like to come up here
and read the first chapter
And then you guys can give me
some notes.
Great. What's your name?
Douche.
Calvin.
Calvin, come on down.
Go ahead.
Trent always loved boats.
But when he spent his
life savings on the Anna Marie,
He didn't know he just chartered
a course to evil."
"It was an easy money
Transaction"...
you'd be good in a horror novel.
"And didn't ask any
questions"...
hey.
You listening to me?
Ow!
All right,
Everyone, calm down.
I'm gonna take patriot
to the nurse's office.
Come on.
Come on.
Don't be a baby.
Come on, patriot, let me see.
Come on.
This is going to need
There's nothing I can do
about it here.
He's gonna have to go
to the hospital.
That's okay.
Patriot can handle it.
Right, patriot?
You're a marine.
Beautiful, beautiful
'Shrooms.
So one of my students tried
to eat another one's face off.
How's your day going?
I'm... I'm really sorry
about this morning.
What happened?
I... When I called
your boyfriend a dick.
I didn't know you guys were
dating and... And now I feel
Really awkward.
No, in your classroom,
what happened?
Oh, this girl
just went apeshit on this kid.
She was biting him.
I had to send him to the nurse.
Did you send her
to the principal's office?
I wanted to give her
a high five.
That kid was a dick.
Hey!
You bit my friend's face.
What, are you sick or something?
Hey, you bitch!
I just wanted to say to them,
Like, "guys, I'm a writer who
moved here from new York city.
Like, I'm way cooler
than your regular teacher."
This day could've been
super fun.
Kids are always rough on subs.
Yeah, but this is different
from what we were like
Growing up.
They're, like, not even kids.
Waah!
The fuck?
Oh, it can't be that funny.
Ooh la la.
Yeah, I'm such a catch.
Oh, you...
You'll be beating off the women
In fort chicken.
Oh, yeah.
Fort chicken girls.
Yeah, the hottest!
Aah!
What is happening here, kids?
Goddamn it!
What is wrong with me?
Oh, no, you didn't.
Vice principal Simms.
Yeah, you're go for Simms.
I'm under some medication
for a medical condition,
So I may not be seeing things
correctly, but I'm pretty sure
I might be seeing
some of your students
Possibly eating Mr. Pedersen.
Again, it could be
The medication.
Okay, all right.
Show's over!
I may be acting principal,
but you all are acting crazy!
Hey, don't... Don't...
I have bursitis.
Who... Who is your homeroom?
Aah!
Aah!
Aah!
Oh!
Get... Get out of there!
It's so good to see you, Clint.
It's good to see you, too.
Oh, look, carnage.
Aah!
Some... Somebody call
the police!
Wait! I'm hitting my button!
Ow!
Oh! Ah!
Come on, Johnson!
What the fuck is happening?
What the fuck is happening?
Wait, there's wade.
Wade.
Oh, god.
All right, listen up!
I'd back off if I was you!
I was an all-State
football champion.
Y'all are a bunch of kids.
Oh.
Look, we've all wanted
to do that
To vice principal Simms, okay?
I know I have.
But a...
A line has been crossed.
You can't eat the teachers,
Man!
Hold it right now!
Aah!
Ah!
Fwip! Ha!
Come on, Johnson!
Run, Johnson!
You can do...
No, no.
Aah!
They... They attacked
the vice principal.
And then they started chasing
the...
Hello? Hello?
The phones are dead.
Aah!
Oh, those kids are fast.
I was twice voted
Running back of the year,
Kerry county.
I should have won
a third year...
but it was political.
What the fuck
are you trying to say?
Do not go out there!
Those kids...
Aah!
Oh, god!
Oh, no, no, no, no.
It's Angela.
Angela, it's me, Mr. Lacey.
Ugh.
Oh, there's Dave!
Dave's coming!
See?
Everything's gonna be fine!
Ooh, shit, man.
Five-O!
Fuck it.
I ain't goin' down!
All right, kids, settle down.
You little guys need to tell me
what's going on.
You guys all eat cherry pie
for lunch or something?
What's going on?
I'm here to help.
Think of me just like batman.
I'm a helper.
Aah!
Aah!
What the fuck?
Aah!
Ow!
Oh, my god!
Fuck this!
I gotta do something!
No, wade!
You can't go back out there!
No! Let me alone!
Oh, my god.
Wade.
Aah!
Oh, my god!
Aah!
Ow!
What the fuck, freak?
Oh, god!
He's gonna bite into your face!
Yes, I can see that!
He'll tear
your goddamn face off!
You'll look like
that chimp woman!
Aah!
You're achieving nothing!
Help me!
Let me burn his face!
Aah! Oh!
Aah!
Oh!
Who is that lady?
Anybody have a key?
Probably not.
Let's go.
Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.
We can't just leave her there.
You bet your ass we are!
Ah!
Move! Move!
We gotta get out of here!
Aah!
Follow me, I do crossfit!
No! Don't do it!
You sons of...
Go, go, go, go, go!
Wade!
Aah!
Right in here!
In here!
Aah!
Kill him!
No, no, no! Wait, wait, wait!
And I'm not just saying that
'cause you're the only
Our differences are what makes
life beautiful.
What's going on?
Kill him!
No! Wait!
Tracy's right.
Calvin, are you okay?
You don't have a thirst
for blood or anything?
Why would I do that?
I'm studying
for my English test.
Oh, great. How's it going?
We gotta seek out
some higher ground.
Okay, come on, Calvin.
You come with us.
We're clear!
In here, come on!
Come on.
Close the door! Close the door!
Okay, all right.
Hey, hey, is everyone okay?
Can we please take a moment
Of sil... Aah!
Get in here, come on!
Calvin, don't look!
Don't look! Don't look!
She has blisters.
Okay, I think we're safe.
The door is locked.
They cannot get up through
these windows.
The phone's out in here, too.
Can somebody please explain
to me what the hell is going on?
What is going on?
I mean, I hated my teachers
in school.
I hated them, but I never tried
to kill them.
They got cooties.
What?
That's what they're always
saying that girl Shelley has.
Cooties.
She's dirty.
Calvin, that's not very nice.
No, he's right.
In a... In a... In a way.
If you'll follow me, you'll see.
Wade, you're not hurt, are you?
No, babe, I'm good.
She has the raised blisters
of a...
A virus.
I'm okay.
We're safe here, right?
Everybody feels okay?
And we're all safe.
It's pretty interesting
actually.
I knew we'd work it all out.
I would love to get inside
your head.
Oh, guess she's gone
to commit murder somewhere else.
All right, ladies,
here's the plan.
We get down on that ledge,
jump to the ground, hightail it
Like linebackers to our cars.
Boom!
What? I thought you just
tried to outrun them.
You... You said they were too fast
for you.
Yeah, but that was before
I had a weapon.
A violin?
Not just a violin,
it's an instrument of death.
I propose we create
a symphony of death.
Everyone, grab an instrument.
Here, you take this.
Oh, yeah,
that'll be real effective.
What are you offering,
besides throwing hot pots
Of coffee at people,
or writing a stupid book
That no one wants to read
about some guy who wants
To fuck a boat?
Wait, it's not about a guy
who wants to fuck a boat.
It's a book about obsession
and possession on the high seas.
He wants to fuck the boat,
and you know it.
Listen...
Listen, little Stevie king...
there's an invention called
a cell phone that your stupid,
We need to get to
the principal's office,
Grab our phones,
and call someone who can
Help quarantine these kids.
We're in a total lockdown,
in case you haven't noticed!
We have been breached,
and there are little cootie kids
Right out there in the hallway
who are willing
To fuckin' rip your face off
with their little teeth!
Well, shit!
Their big teeth haven't even
come in yet!
Aah!
You know what, you carry on
I'll sneak around the school
where there aren't any kids.
Oh, you'll sneak around, huh?
Sneak around
like a little hobbit.
I'm takin' the fight to them
like a fuckin' orc.
And that is the difference
between you and me.
I don't wanna scurry...
Oh, really?
I don't wanna scurry around
the hallway
Like a common squirrel.
The only way we're gonna get
anywhere is if we turn
Our frowns upside down
and try to get along.
You know how I beat
the terrorists after 9/11?
With a positive attitude.
It's true, she did.
Now, I-I don't think going
back for our cell phones is
Necessarily a great idea,
even though it's wonderful
That you're trying,
and we welcome all suggestions.
Wait, I... Wait.
I just thought of something.
What is it?
Um, it's just an idea for...
For keel them all.
The hero's trapped on the boat,
and my mom had this note where
She didn't understand why
he wouldn't just call for help.
I-I got it.
He... He left his... His phone
on the dock.
What are you talking about?
Oh, sorry.
It's my book.
Are you fucking kidding me?
Unbelievable.
Your... Your book is called
keel them all?
Okay, ladies, can we convene
the book club
A little later on, please?
Wade, I think maybe
your idea is maybe
An unwise idea also.
Seriously, Lucy?
I'm sorry.
So what do you propose?
That we wait here until 3:00.
Um...
okay... Okay, what... What happens
at 3:00?
At 3:00, the parents will
come to pick up their kids.
We can get up on the roof
and signal them for help.
Oh, I like that idea.
It's... It's a good one.
Better than your fucking idea.
Anything is better
than your idea.
Oh!
Clint, are you okay?
That sounds...
Yeah, no, I'm... I'm fine.
I'm fine.
What happened to your arm?
Oh, nothing, it's...
Oh, shit.
It's just... It's just a scratch.
Son of a bitch, he's infected!
No, no, no, it's nothing.
You got cooties, motherfucker!
No, no, no, I'm feeling fine!
Wade, wait!
You're coming with me!
Stop resisting!
I feel fine!
Don't resist the quarantine!
Wade! Wade, hon...
Let me out, asshole.
Nobody else go in there.
Oh.
Oh!
I'm going in.
Doug, don't... Ugh.
I don't care.
We have some breaking news
developing in the suburb
Of fort chicken this morning.
You don't...
Excuse me. Listen up, please.
Could everybody
please listen up?
Guys, don't make me ask again.
Quiet, quiet, please.
Please be quiet.
None of us are talking.
Rebekkah.
Quiet, please.
Thank you.
It is my opinion
that Clint has been infected
With whatever those kids have...
yeah, I knew it.
Out there.
Oh, my god. Oh, my god.
But it doesn't seem to be
affecting him in the same way.
He's only exhibiting
mild stomach flu symptoms...
Nausea, cramps,
a little diarrhea, vomiting,
Mild anal leakage...
But it is my hypothesis
That we are safe from him
for now.
He will not attempt to murder us
or tear us limb from limb.
He just has the flu.
How do you...
How do you know all this?
Well, Rebekkah,
I just examined his fluids
With two of history's oldest
scientific instruments...
My hands.
Oh, Doug.
Don't worry.
I'm wearing gloves.
Oh, no, you're not.
No. No, you're not.
God damn it, Doug.
I see.
Oh, god.
Okay, okay, it doesn't matter.
Listen, the sub stays locked
in the closet.
If he gets a clean bill of
health at 3:00, then we'll talk.
If he gets a clean bill of
health at 3:00, then we'll talk.
If he gets a clean bill of
health at 3:00, then we'll talk.
Keep your distance, Grisham.
Oh, there...
There's vomit there.
Ugh, god!
Just watch your step.
Are you all right?
Hey, how are you feeling?
Um, better.
Come on, okay.
That's yours.
Oh, thank you.
Wait, oh, I know that car.
That's the PTA president,
racer Dobkins' mom.
She always gets here early
to open the gates.
Hey, hey, over here!
Hey!
Hey!
Call for help!
Call for help!
Use the phone!
Over here!
This could fall apart
at any minute, all right?
And I'm just thinking
about the children.
Those little bastards
Are gonna kill her.
She's... It's fine.
She's gonna be fine.
Wait, there he is.
No, no, no, no, no, no.
Don't open the door.
She can't even see us.
Don't let him get in!
Don't let him in!
Don't let him in!
Who's mommy's angel?
Who's mommy's little angel?
Yes, you are. Yes, you are.
Get out of the car!
Don't!
No!
You tell Simms that $300
won't cut it.
Oh, god, Steve,
I know what's going on with
this school 24/7, all right?
Come on, racer, let's go!
You wanna go to soccer practice
or not, honeypuckle?
I'm not gonna be the one
holding the bag at the goddamn
Book drive again this year,
all right?
No, you...
racer, what the hell
are you doing to your brother
Back there now, huh?
What are you doing?
Oh!
They go right for the face!
I told you!
The other parents are gonna be
here any second.
They'll massacre
the other parents.
Aah!
Oh, my god!
Get off of me!
Help me!
She's not one of them!
How do you know?
Look at her face.
It's not covered in pox.
Help her up! Help her up!
Oh, god, they're coming!
They're coming!
Come on!
They're getting up on the roof!
They're in the trees!
Move!
Come on!
Where do we go?
To the auditorium!
Aah!
Move! Move! Move! Move!
Aah! Help!
Get him off me!
Aah!
Wade, I...
Tammy, why don't you
And Calvin come on over here
with me?
That guy always cheated off me.
Calvin, come on.
I'll make sure all the doors
are secure.
Why... Why is his blood black?
I don't know.
That's what I want to find out.
I-I think I'm gonna dissect him.
You guys help me.
Hey, look at us.
We're fine.
You know, we're... We're still us,
because you know why?
Because none of us got bitten
or scratched.
I did.
Oh.
Oh, no, it's fine.
We'll just... We'll go
to the washroom and... And we'll...
You'll wash it out with soap
so it won't get infected, okay?
How... What do you say?
Okay.
Oh, my god, I can't believe
you're doing this.
I can't believe boys pee
in those.
I mean, that's disgusting.
That's disgusting?
It's not disgusting
to have boys staring
At each other's penises?
What... What is wrong with
that, okay?
We got bigger things
to worry about.
Well, this is interesting.
Oh, god!
Oh, my god!
Oh, god.
I'm gonna extract the brain.
Oh, that's just rude.
Tracy, god damn it.
It appears the preliminary
reports have been confirmed.
Children are, for some reason,
violently attacking
Their parents in front of
fort chicken elementary.
We now have reports of victims
around the city,
And authorities have no idea
what is going on.
Stay inside.
Stay in your cars.
Do not go...
Dude, this is totally
Tripping me out.
Are you on 'shrooms, too?
Hey.
Can I get you anything?
I'd really rather be
left alone, Lucy.
Wade, can we please talk?
I don't want to talk.
I know you don't, but I do.
Then why don't you talk
to your boyfriend about it?
Clint and I
went to school together.
I haven't seen him in 15 years.
I walked in this morning,
guy was fuckin' hittin' on you,
And you were eatin' it up.
Are you kidding me?
No, I'm not kiddin' you, Lucy.
You can't even deny it.
Deny it.
Clint and I were just
talking, and I'm sorry
If I hurt your feelings.
I didn't mean to.
Oh.
Look, I'm sorry.
But I know neither of us thought
this was how the day
Was gonna go
when we woke up this morning.
I thought today was gonna go
way different than this.
You have no idea.
I bought you a ring yesterday,
Lucy.
And then I walk in, and I see
you laughing and smiling
At that little asshole.
And you know what I thought?
I thought, wow,
she looks so pretty
When she smiles.
How come she never smiles at me
like that?
I'll talk to you later, Lucy.
And go fuck yourself.
Prognosis is not good.
Oh!
As you can see, most of the gray
And white matter has been...
Rebekkah, quiet, please.
Most of the gray
and white matter has been
Severely infected.
It's showing the beginning
stages of necroptosis
And decomposition.
All of these black areas
are basically dead.
I mean, they can run, jump, eat,
but they're not human anymore,
Not really.
Once again,
how do you know all this?
I learned all about the brain
when I had a 6-Inch spike lodged
In my skull as a child,
which is the reason why
You may have noticed
that sometimes when I'm talking
I use the wrong rowboat.
Word.
Now, bacteria can't cross
the blood/brain barrier.
So I'm thinking this is
more likely a virus.
What kind of virus
would do that?
A pretty nasty one.
Calvin said that Shelley linker
was the first one to bite,
Right?
Yeah.
But what about Clint and Tamra?
All it did was make them sick.
I have a theory about this.
Hold on a moment.
Tamra?
Yeah?
Have you achieved menses?
What?
No, he's, uh, asking you
if you've had your period yet.
Um, I really don't wanna say.
You wear a bra, right?
Yeah.
Thank you.
Gave you an "a" in sex Ed,
Tamra.
Little disappointed
you don't know what menses are.
Why is sex Ed always taught
by the creepiest teachers?
Clint, quiet, please.
It seems that the virus is
susceptible to androgens.
I mean, the prepubescent body
has testosterone and estrogen.
But at puberty, the body's
glands create a feedback cycle
That increases the gonadotropins
by about 2,000.
Just what are you trying to say?
Talk like a person.
Please.
The... The virus is only
dangerous is you haven't
Gone through puberty.
Was that them?
What's going on?
How'd they do that?
Okay, everyone, stay calm!
Calvin.
Huh?
Oh, shit. Calvin!
Calvin!
Over here, guys.
Quick, quick, quick!
Calvin, wake up.
Wake up, Calvin.
Quit slapping me.
He needs to eat something.
We need to get him a candy bar
or a soda.
Wade, do you have any snack bars
or something?
I got creatine powder.
Well, he needs something
with sugar.
This body is a no-Carb zone.
Ah, what was that?
Probably one of the demented
children that's been trying
It's coming from over there.
They're in the boiler room.
They can't be.
I've checked all these doors.
They're... They're locked.
Oh, my god, they have keys!
Doug, I thought you said they
couldn't do stuff like that.
Oh, they're gonna get in here.
We're all gonna die!
This can't be the end.
I'm not even published yet.
Wade, I've thought about it.
I don't think I can marry you.
I'm sorry!
Jesus!
It's the fucking janitor!
Hatachi?
What are you doing here?
The lights are out.
Okay, we gotta move!
Go!
Move it! Move it!
Watch your step.
What the hell?
You live down here?
Yes.
When is this gonna end?
Where are we going?
Oh, my god.
Where are we?
We have a kid who needs help.
He's diabetic.
Do you have any food?
Nori.
Oh, seaweed.
Oh.
I'm afraid that won't work.
No.
Oh.
Oh, the microwave.
This is the activation of
The emergency broadcast system
for the township
Of fort chicken, Illinois.
Effective immediately,
the mayor of fort chicken
Has announced mandatory
evacuations of neighborhoods
East of Winslow avenue.
Authorities are reporting
the spread
Of a highly contagious virus.
Reports say...
We're alone.
We're all gonna die, aren't we?
No. No, we're not.
There's a snack machine
in the teachers lounge, right?
Wade, how many people can fit
in your truck?
I told you,
it's a dual reow weeow...
Dual reow...
It's a dual rear wee...
Probably eight, max.
Where are the keys?
Up with my jacket.
Back in the teachers lounge,
which is impossible to get to.
Where does that lead?
Conditioning of air.
So this duct takes us
to the teachers lounge.
Guys, we take the duct
to the lounge.
We... We get Calvin something
from the vending machine,
We get back here, fix Calvin up,
and take the duct as close to
If we're near the office, we
should grab our cell phones too.
Right.
Yeah, but who's going up
into that thing?
Who's teensy-Weensy enough
to fit up...
me?
No, no, no, no, no, no, no.
No, I... No, I-I definitely don't
do brave stuff.
Like, I've never even been
camping.
Look, I-I have a blog.
I-I get excited about
apple products.
That's what I'm comfortable
with.
Here we go.
By letting you guard this,
I'm trusting you
With my entire life.
Circle, circle, dot, dot.
Now you have a cooties shot.
It'll protect you.
Thanks, Tamra.
Remember, Clint, if you fail,
we're all gonna die.
I appreciate the update, Doug.
You're doing great.
Just trust yourself.
Yeah, and your cock is
Girthy, too.
Oh, fuck off, wade.
You fuck off.
Both of you cut it...
Both of you cut it out.
You know who you sound like?
You sound like your students.
I don't have students.
I'm not a teacher, I'm a writer.
Yeah, a self-Published
writer.
Guess what, I'm self-Published,
too.
Doug, do you wanna buy my book?
There are no words on this.
You know what?
I'm going, too.
Lucy, what are you doing?
You can't...
No! No, you are not!
You can't do anything
to stop me!
If I wanna go in the fucking
air-Conditioning duct, I'll go!
I'm just gonna die anyway,
just like the rest of you
Assholes, so maybe I'm gonna try
and do something brave
As a final pointless gesture
of kindness in this cruel,
Shitty world
that likes taking gestures
Of kindness and shitting
and peeing on them!
Since you're all gonna be dead
soon anyway, I should tell you,
I hate every single one of you.
Aah!
I'm coming with you whether you
like it or not, so shut up.
Okay.
This makes me so nervous.
He paces like this late at night
When he's on the phone, too.
It's so ridiculous.
How do you know that?
You better not let anything
happen to her, asshole.
That's funny, because I was
thinking of letting
Really bad things happen to her.
I will squeeze up in there
and slap your dick off.
Thanks for coming to help me.
No problem.
I think this is it.
Careful...
oh, um...
do you have a dollar?
Yeah.
There's wade's keys.
I'm gonna go check and see
if there's a phone.
No, no, no, wait for me.
No, we don't have time.
You get the candy bar.
I'm gonna get a phone.
Okay, be... Be careful.
Yeah.
Come on.
Come on. Come on.
Shit!
Did you get it?
Did you get it?
I'm working on it!
Hurry up!
We're not gonna make it!
Go left!
Guys, heads up!
They did it.
Hey, look what we got for you.
The desk! The desk!
I don't know how much longer
I can hold this.
Aah!
Oh, my god! Oh, my god!
Miss Hanford!
Oh!
After the fifth
half-Eaten corpse you see,
It's... still horrifying
but somehow slightly less
Horrifying.
Shit!
Guys, look out!
They're in the vents!
They're heading your way!
I'll get the locks.
More stuff, come on.
Here!
Here.
Let's go!
They're coming!
Straps!
Come on!
Got it!
Why do they pound?
What does all the pounding
accomplish?
Are you guys okay?
Yeah, we're all good.
Thanks for the heads up.
We are not all good!
We are trapped in here.
Oh, god, those kids are gonna
come in here.
They're gonna rip us to shreds.
Tracy, we get it.
You've got to calm down
right now!
I know. I'm sorry. I'm sorry.
I'm...
Calm!
I'm fine.
I'm calm.
Okay.
Thank you.
Calm down!
I'm calm!
I already said I was calm.
This is, like,
the worst Monday ever.
This probably isn't
The greatest timing,
but I have a confession to make.
When I saw you this morning,
I was only pretending
To be surprised.
I knew you taught here.
Wait, really?
I've been
pretty depressed lately,
And I just wanted to see you.
It... It's stupid.
I mean, we... We haven't had
a conversation in,
I guess I kinda missed you
somehow.
Sorry, that's... That's so creepy.
No.
It's not creepy.
I heard you were in new York
following your dream
Of being a writer.
Oh, well, I have
another confession to make.
Remember when I-I said
I-I wasn't a teacher?
That was a lie, too.
That's what I was doing
in new York.
Really?
Yeah.
Yeah, I've been teaching
first grade for two years.
I mean, I thought
I would have free time to write,
On my free time,
but as it turns out,
There is no free time.
Teaching's the hardest job
In the world.
And I would look out at the kids
In my class,
and I-I found myself getting
Jealous of them.
They have the whole world
ahead of them.
Their whole lives ahead of them.
They have all these
opportunities
That have already passed me by.
Mm...
What?
Nothing, I was... gonna tell
you you were wrong,
But you sort of have a point.
Oh.
That's super comforting.
Thanks.
Oh!
I prob... I probably shouldn't
have done that.
I-I can't just barge into
your life like that.
Even if I do kind of hate
your boyfriend.
Just need a bottle of wine.
Right?
One of those backpacks
must have some beer in it.
Definitely Ritalin,
probably adderall, too.
Wait.
There's still so much
I haven't done.
Like... Like I've always wanted
to fire an Uzi.
I don't know.
I wanted a bunny.
I always wanted a bunny
growing up
And never got one.
You know what I want?
I wanna know why
my brother-In-Law
Makes tens times what I do.
And you know what he does
for a living?
He makes giant foam fingers
for football games.
Like, you tell people
you're a teacher,
And they look at you like,
"oh, you must have wanted to do
Something else and you couldn't
get anything going."
And it's like, "fuck you, man.
I'm raising your kids."
I love my job,
and teachers deserve respect.
Yeah.
I'm sorry that it took me
till today to realize this,
But...
I really actually like you guys.
I always wanted to have sex
with a prostitute
Who was nonwhite.
Is anybody there?
Wade?
Hey.
You okay?
Yeah.
Hey, listen, Lucy,
about today...
Wade, we can talk about this
another time.
Let's not talk about this
right now.
No, I wanna talk about it.
Lucy, I love you.
And I'm so sorry
that I was an asshole today.
Clint's not listening, is he?
No, it's just me.
'Cause look, I know you're not
crazy about your hometown.
Okay, and this is probably not
what you pictured growing up,
That you'd be dating
some P.E. Teacher.
And I guess I just got jealous
that some fancy pants new York
Writer was gonna swoop in and...
no, wait!
To live there, and I just don't
know that that's something
That I can ever...
Wade, it's Clint.
Goddamn it, asshole!
Put Lucy back on.
I'm not a fancy writer
from new York.
I'm a bad writer
from fort chicken.
I sleep in a bed
I used to pee in.
You're a handsome guy
who Lucy likes.
And if you guys are meant
to be together,
I'm all for it.
I'm sorry I got in the way.
You really think
I'm a handsome guy?
Listen, thanks, Clint.
Just...
can you put Lucy back on,
please?
Wade, I love you, but I...
Lucy, I...
Wade, it's me again.
Goddamn it!
I have an idea.
Listen up.
Oh, dear lord.
Is the coast clear?
If by clear, you mean
filled with terrifying imagery
That will take me
years of therapy to unsee...
hey!
Hey, sweetie!
Put those drugs down.
Look! Drugs!
Are you hungry for some drugs?
You want some Ritalin?
Some adderall?
You remember how
In that movie commando
and every other
'80s action film, there was that
Suiting up montage?
Well, this is that scene.
Yeah.
Now, they've got us
outnumbered, outgunned,
And out...
but there's one thing we have
that they don't...
The drive to win!
They seem very driven to me.
We need to turn this room
Inside out.
Look under every shelf,
inside every box.
Gather anything you
or someone else can use.
We gotta collect everything.
We gotta have bats and tools
and ropes and pointy things,
Anything that has a spike on it,
anything that's serrated.
We're not playing defense
anymore.
Our third and fourth graders,
you can forget about them.
So forget who you think
you're fighting,
'Cause we're going to war!
I used to be a champion!
I'm a little fatter now.
Yeah, I'm a little balder, too,
but I still got that spirit.
And they are not taking that
away from me!
I played dodgeball a million
Times with these little shits.
Go for the face.
It's the weak spot.
Huh.
I guess they really can overdose
on that stuff.
Okay, looks like the adderall
They should be knocked out
for a while.
Remember, when we say "go,"
we rendezvous in the main hall,
Head straight for the back door,
then haul ass for wade's truck.
Are you guys ready?
We are good to go.
We can do this.
Between us, we've got 18
regional championship trophies,
Three MVPs,
and one state championship ring.
Wade, those are all your awards.
Exactly,
and I'm a part of this team.
That makes us all champions!
Now, are we ready?
Ready!
Ready.
I'm gay.
Oh! I fucking knew it.
Hatachi, you ready?
Yes, Hatachi ready to die.
My father told me story once,
story of frog and caterpillar.
It was winter,
and frog is sitting on
Snow-Covered branch.
The frog looked and saw
the caterpillar and ask him...
Okay, this story is taking
way too long.
Let's play some dodgeball!
Hey, guys.
Okay, I got this.
Uhh!
Come on.
Aah!
Fuck yeah! Let's go!
Go! Go!
Move it!
Let's go!
Come on!
Damn it, I'm out of balls!
Oh, shit.
Ha!
Ah!
Rock 'n' roll!
Aah!
Lucy! Where's Lucy?
I don't know!
Aah!
Come on! Come on!
Aah!
You motherfuckers!
Clint,
take me to subway sometime.
Aah!
Give her the keys!
Get those kids to the truck!
Move!
Go, go, go, go!
Get out of here!
Get in! Get in!
Hah! Hah!
Hey, Danielle steel!
Take care of her.
Aaaah!
No!
No!
No, Lucy, no!
Wade!
Hah! Ahh!
Wade!
Oh, no! No!
Aah! Aah!
No, we gotta go!
We gotta go! Go!
Get in!
Oh, my god!
Oh, my god!
Wade! Oh!
Aah!
No!
Lucy, I'm sorry.
What about these kids' parents?
What about our parents?
Oh, shit.
What?
We're almost out of... Aah!
Get him off!
Get him off!
He must have been in the back
Oh, my god, what is he doing?
Ram him!
Eat a cock.
Uhh... eh...
well, that ought to do it.
Guys, up ahead.
It's Danville.
Danville is the worst place
on the planet.
At least it's not fort chicken.
Oh, my god!
Well, I'd feel worse
if all these dead people
Weren't from fucking Danville.
Well, now we're really
out of gas.
Everybody stay close.
Wait, where's Doug?
There he is.
Doug, come on!
No, you come here.
They're everywhere.
Well, that's Indiana.
That's Ohio.
It's an epidemic.
Actually, the correct term
is pandemic.
A pandemic covers a much wider
geographical...
That's the fort chicken factory.
Is there anything
from that factory served
In the school cafeteria?
The chicken nuggets.
Of course, a foodborne virus.
If I could get a handful
of homing endonucleases,
Each one targeting a different
specific section of the genome...
You're doing it again.
You're doing it again.
Rebekkah, quiet please.
You see, that time
I was actually talking.
If we could isolate the virus
and kill it while preserving
The capsid protein...
Doug, please dumb it down
A little.
If I could find
one of the infected nuggets,
Maybe I could make a vaccine...
for... For the...
Aah!
Everybody look for an open door!
Guys, hurry up! Get in here!
Go, go, go, go, go, go, go!
Hurry!
Everyone okay?
Okay, we're here.
We made it, right?
Oh, I fucking hate Danville
so much.
Everyone stick together.
Okay.
I can't see anything.
Someone find a light.
Aah!
It's me.
These things are great.
It's like...
Let's go this way.
Oh, my god,
those are the nuggets.
You'll come in
handy, little one.
Nugget out of here.
Nugget out...
Nugget out of here.
Come on.
Come on.
Where are we?
I hate to say it, guys,
but, oh, shit.
Aah!
Aah!
Hah! Somebody
order a badass?
Wade!
Aah!
Now, Hatachi.
Now the time for the
frog to fuck the caterpillar?
Whatever, Hatachi.
Aah!
Wait, they're coming!
Let's go!
Get in the van! Let's go!
Move! Move! Move!
I-I thought you were dead.
It was just halftime, baby.
Go to the van!
Run! Run! Run!
Aah!
Aah!
Aah!
Hurry!
Let's go! We can make it!
Help me wedge this in here.
Clint, go! Get out of here!
Aah!
Kids, kids, go, go, go!
Oh my god!
Is this one of those really
intense drug interventions?
I'm givin' you kids an "F"
For fuck you!
Get up! Come on, let's go!
Go! Go, go, go!
What are you doing?
Water won't hold them off.
It ain't water.
Nap time, motherfuckers.
Let's roll.
Where are we going?
Someplace kids don't wanna go.
Wade, how did you find us?
I always know where to
find my dual weeow...
Weeow... My do
wea... My do weeow...
And the frog fucked
the caterpillar!
Ha!
It's a beautiful summer day
Temperatures expected to reach
the upper 80s.
In recent news,
a health advisory was reported
From happy poultry farms.
Now, they're telling us that
they're issuing a full recall
For their precooked
chicken tenders
And also their buffalo chicken
tenders.
Now, this only applies
to the chicken
That was packaged on Friday
and delivered to suburbs
Such as fort chicken
and Danville.
- Happy poultry advises...
- Morning, honey.
Rise and shine.
Morning, mom.
How's the book going?
Good.
I've been working really
hard on it...
Rewriting it.
It's a first draft, you know?
Did you get a chance
to read the manuscript?
I did, and I loved it.
Oh, well, any thoughts?
Criticisms?
No.
I thought it was wonderful.
I'm not gonna become
a better writer if I don't get
Constructive criticism.
Please, I'm begging you.
Well, um...
I did think the characters were
a tiny bit unlikable.
That's more like it.
Noted.
I found myself a little bored
to be honest.
And I heart honesty.
I also didn't know what was
going on and where we were.
It wasn't explained very well.
Frankly, I couldn't figure out
the plot.
It was kind of insulting,
and there was no specificity
In the writing
in terms of time and place.
Okay.
And where was
the inciting incident?
Okay, okay.
This is... This is... Wow!
Thank you.
But mostly I loved it.
Now, get on up and teach
those summer school kids
How to write like you.
The boat was evil,
But he loved the boat.
The boat was evil
But he didn't know
just how evil.
The boat was evil,
but it was an acceptable level
Of evil.
The seafaring vessel...
The schooner was evil.
It's getting there.
Jesus.
I've come full circle.
How very, very utterly
depressing.
What's up, amigo?
Hey, you're not my dealer.
No. No, I'm... I'm Clint...
Hey, you don't sell 'shrooms,
Do ya?
No, um, I'm Clint Hadson.
Is that Hudson?
Hadson.
Yeah, it's him.
Whoa, whoa, whoa.
So that's a no on the 'shrooms?
Right.
Excuse me!
I'm... I'm having trouble.
Don't you forget, mister,
you're grounded.
And when school's over,
you come straight home.
Fuck you, mom.
Oh, yeah?
Fuck you!
I'm just gonna miss you so much.
Can't I take it off?
No, the playground
is a war zone.
Watch it!
Sorry. Didn't see you there.
Well, maybe you should
take in your surroundings more.
Yeah.
Mr. Hudson!
Hadson.
Hi, uh, call me Clint.
Thanks so much for coming in
on such short notice.
Looks like Mrs. Kenner is down
with the stomach flu,
'Cause she is Mormon,
so that's always a possibility.
Principal Hadgis
is in the Bahamas,
When the cat's away,
The vice principal
becomes acting principal.
Yeah, I forgot they say that.
Teachers lounge is just
across the way, so go get
Well, it's not strong
enough for my taste.
To deal with these terrors,
I need the high-Octane stuff.
Isn't that right, Mrs. Gordon?
She's hilarious.
A lot of personal tragedy.
Come on into this office.
Pull up a ball chair.
Got a cell phone?
Um, yeah.
Afraid I'm gonna
have to take it.
Yep, this is a no
cell phone campus,
And we can't ask the kids
to give up something
So hand over that Crackberry.
A-Booyah.
Now, I gotta warn you.
I run a pretty tight ship.
Yeah, I'm fine with that.
Actually, it's... It's funny
you should say that.
I'm actually writing a book
about a ship.
Well, it's more of a boat.
I have it with me.
If you're asking me to describe
My pedagogical "philosophy"...
I'm not.
There are some
charter schools out of Boston
That are "absolutely"
"revolutionizing" education.
I'm not sure you know
how air quotes work.
I want to bring these kids
back to a pre-Digital era.
No cell phones, and I don't care
If it's raining Labradoodles,
I wanna get those kids outside
During recess.
Heck, I'll lock 'em out.
And I will do that.
Now, here's a map of the school.
Mrs. Kenner is in room 12.
Oh, I don't need that.
I actually used to go here.
Class of '88.
Hey, you know what that is?
That's out of sight.
All right.
Shouldn't joke about
guns, though.
No.
Not in a school.
Yeah.
That's not funny.
Yeah, my partner's
name is David.
He is awesome.
He's a little bit older
but weirdly has
This amazing body.
If I'm being completely honest,
he does have
These fantastic balls
that I just love to play with.
They're firmer and
fuzzier, so...
tennis partner.
Dave is my tennis partner.
Hi, there.
Um, you know which one of these
is Mrs. Kenner's?
Buddy, I don't know
what that bitch drinks out of.
Here's what I do know.
I know that this
is a rape button.
It emits a shit-Crazy alarm
that'll inform local police
Who arrive within two minutes
should you decide to get touchy
And/or feely.
You wanna know why I have
a rape button?
Don't answer.
Because the government
of the state of Illinois doesn't
Trust the citizenry enough
to pass safe, sensible
Conceal and carry laws.
Okay.
So any of these then?
Hmm, she's a little
Tightly wound, huh?
Oh, my god.
Lucy?
Lucy McCormick?
It... It... It's Clint Hadson.
Oh, my god!
Wow, what are you doing here?
Well, I'm subbing
for Mrs. Kenner.
Oh, my god, amazing.
I heard you lived in new York.
Yeah, I did.
But now I'm in town for a while,
staying at Charman's.
Oh.
Who's Charman?
My mom.
Ah!
But it's like a guesthouse,
so it's...
so you're a teacher now?
No.
Well, I mean, yes.
I, uh, I ended up subbing
a little in new York.
But really I'm a writer.
That's great.
Oh, well...
God, it's a scorcher
Out there, huh?
Unseasonably warm.
Yeah.
Uh, wade, have you met Clint?
I have not.
Pleased to meet you
with meat to please you.
Actually, we kinda met earlier.
You parked me in.
What are you talking about?
Nothing.
It's just that, um,
you parked so close that
I-I couldn't get out of my...
My truck's got
A dual reeow weeow.
I'm sorry?
Dual reeow weeow.
Dual weeow...
Dual weeow...
Dual reeow weeow.
It's...
Dual weeow...
Dual real wheel.
Dual real...
Reow reow.
Got a dual reeow weeow.
Dual weeow...
Dual weeow...
I don't understand.
It's got two extra wheels
on the back part of it.
Ah.
Dual rear...
So, Clint,
Heard tell you were a writer.
Hmm?
Oh, nothing that you've read,
yet.
I'm actually working
on my first novel.
Really?
Yeah.
Oh, yeah, actually why I'm home.
You know, just to hunker down
and bang out that story.
But, uh, I need a few shekels.
Shekels.
Hebrew for...
Doug.
Currency.
Okay.
Wow, good for you.
That's so exciting!
Oh, thanks.
What's it about?
Oh, uh, well,
it's... It's a horror novel.
Um, it... It's about a guy
who buys a boat,
But the boat turns out
to be possessed.
Like Christine.
I'm sorry?
Christine, Stephen king.
Guy buys a car
and it's possessed.
Oh.
Um...
but... But this is about a boat.
So it's like speed 2.
Starring?
Sandra bullock, yes, of course,
and?
Keanu reeves?
Jason Patric!
Right.
I am the biggest
Jason Patric fan.
Jason Patric.
Oh, lost boys!
They're not lost.
Kiefer.
They're vampires.
Yeah, they got lost...
All right, let's roll!
Your classroom is actually
right next to mine.
I can walk you if you want.
Oh, um, yeah.
That'd be great.
You are so fuckin' ugly.
If my butthole had a butthole,
that's what you'd look like.
Yeah, you look like
my butthole's ass.
You look like you got
chicken pox,
If chicken pox was made
out of hemorrhoids
Yeah, if chicken pox
was made out of my ass.
And here we are, fourth grade.
That's me.
And you're right up there.
Good luck.
Holler if you need anything.
The athletic office
is right down there.
Yeah, what's with that guy?
He seems like a bit of a dick.
He's my boyfriend.
Sorry I'm late, guys.
I was helping a friend out.
Eric, what is that?
You put that right down now.
Hey, did somebody order a sub?
Ooh, tough crowd.
My uncle's cancer
Took his stomach.
But his divorce...
took his mind.
Anyhoo, that was my weekend.
Let's begin, class.
Maybe we were created
by an all-Knowing god
Who sent down his only son
to die for us.
Or maybe we were monkey people
who sat around
Crappin' in each other's mouths
until one day we were like,
"I don't like all this hair.
Just on my head and crotch,
please."
Who can say?
I can't
because the state of Illinois
Doesn't allow me to, hank.
I know I'm the substitute,
but I'm also a friend.
It wasn't so long ago
that I was sitting exactly where
You are.
In fact, don't tell
those other teachers,
But I want you to call me
by my first name.
Cunt?
What?
No, you... You can't say...
Okay, no, uh, my name is Clint.
You know what?
Just call me Mr. Hadson.
Now, I'm not really a teacher.
I'm only substituting
to pay the bills.
I'm actually writing
a horror novel.
Pretty cool, huh?
Yeah, real cool, asshole.
Excuse me.
What's your name?
Patriot.
He got held back.
Shut up!
Your name is patriot?
That's right.
I was born on September 11th.
God sent me on that day.
That's why, on my 18th birthday,
I'm joining the marines, just
To kick some towel-Head ass.
Wow, a lot to unpack there.
First off, could you keep
the language down, please,
Patriot?
Otherwise I'll send you outside.
Yeah, while you were just
talking, I just looked at,
Like, a hundred vaginas.
All right.
Give me that.
Why?
Because you're not allowed
to have it.
Your principal told me.
How about I start crying
and then suggest to my parents
About how you touched me
inappropriately?
You didn't happen to write
something on a Prius
This morning, did you?
So I actually have
the first draft of my new novel
Who would like to come up here
and read the first chapter
And then you guys can give me
some notes.
Great. What's your name?
Douche.
Calvin.
Calvin, come on down.
Go ahead.
Trent always loved boats.
But when he spent his
life savings on the Anna Marie,
He didn't know he just chartered
a course to evil."
"It was an easy money
Transaction"...
you'd be good in a horror novel.
"And didn't ask any
questions"...
hey.
You listening to me?
Ow!
All right,
Everyone, calm down.
I'm gonna take patriot
to the nurse's office.
Come on.
Come on.
Don't be a baby.
Come on, patriot, let me see.
Come on.
This is going to need
There's nothing I can do
about it here.
He's gonna have to go
to the hospital.
That's okay.
Patriot can handle it.
Right, patriot?
You're a marine.
Beautiful, beautiful
'Shrooms.
So one of my students tried
to eat another one's face off.
How's your day going?
I'm... I'm really sorry
about this morning.
What happened?
I... When I called
your boyfriend a dick.
I didn't know you guys were
dating and... And now I feel
Really awkward.
No, in your classroom,
what happened?
Oh, this girl
just went apeshit on this kid.
She was biting him.
I had to send him to the nurse.
Did you send her
to the principal's office?
I wanted to give her
a high five.
That kid was a dick.
Hey!
You bit my friend's face.
What, are you sick or something?
Hey, you bitch!
I just wanted to say to them,
Like, "guys, I'm a writer who
moved here from new York city.
Like, I'm way cooler
than your regular teacher."
This day could've been
super fun.
Kids are always rough on subs.
Yeah, but this is different
from what we were like
Growing up.
They're, like, not even kids.
Waah!
The fuck?
Oh, it can't be that funny.
Ooh la la.
Yeah, I'm such a catch.
Oh, you...
You'll be beating off the women
In fort chicken.
Oh, yeah.
Fort chicken girls.
Yeah, the hottest!
Aah!
What is happening here, kids?
Goddamn it!
What is wrong with me?
Oh, no, you didn't.
Vice principal Simms.
Yeah, you're go for Simms.
I'm under some medication
for a medical condition,
So I may not be seeing things
correctly, but I'm pretty sure
I might be seeing
some of your students
Possibly eating Mr. Pedersen.
Again, it could be
The medication.
Okay, all right.
Show's over!
I may be acting principal,
but you all are acting crazy!
Hey, don't... Don't...
I have bursitis.
Who... Who is your homeroom?
Aah!
Aah!
Aah!
Oh!
Get... Get out of there!
It's so good to see you, Clint.
It's good to see you, too.
Oh, look, carnage.
Aah!
Some... Somebody call
the police!
Wait! I'm hitting my button!
Ow!
Oh! Ah!
Come on, Johnson!
What the fuck is happening?
What the fuck is happening?
Wait, there's wade.
Wade.
Oh, god.
All right, listen up!
I'd back off if I was you!
I was an all-State
football champion.
Y'all are a bunch of kids.
Oh.
Look, we've all wanted
to do that
To vice principal Simms, okay?
I know I have.
But a...
A line has been crossed.
You can't eat the teachers,
Man!
Hold it right now!
Aah!
Ah!
Fwip! Ha!
Come on, Johnson!
Run, Johnson!
You can do...
No, no.
Aah!
They... They attacked
the vice principal.
And then they started chasing
the...
Hello? Hello?
The phones are dead.
Aah!
Oh, those kids are fast.
I was twice voted
Running back of the year,
Kerry county.
I should have won
a third year...
but it was political.
What the fuck
are you trying to say?
Do not go out there!
Those kids...
Aah!
Oh, god!
Oh, no, no, no, no.
It's Angela.
Angela, it's me, Mr. Lacey.
Ugh.
Oh, there's Dave!
Dave's coming!
See?
Everything's gonna be fine!
Ooh, shit, man.
Five-O!
Fuck it.
I ain't goin' down!
All right, kids, settle down.
You little guys need to tell me
what's going on.
You guys all eat cherry pie
for lunch or something?
What's going on?
I'm here to help.
Think of me just like batman.
I'm a helper.
Aah!
Aah!
What the fuck?
Aah!
Ow!
Oh, my god!
Fuck this!
I gotta do something!
No, wade!
You can't go back out there!
No! Let me alone!
Oh, my god.
Wade.
Aah!
Oh, my god!
Aah!
Ow!
What the fuck, freak?
Oh, god!
He's gonna bite into your face!
Yes, I can see that!
He'll tear
your goddamn face off!
You'll look like
that chimp woman!
Aah!
You're achieving nothing!
Help me!
Let me burn his face!
Aah! Oh!
Aah!
Oh!
Who is that lady?
Anybody have a key?
Probably not.
Let's go.
Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.
We can't just leave her there.
You bet your ass we are!
Ah!
Move! Move!
We gotta get out of here!
Aah!
Follow me, I do crossfit!
No! Don't do it!
You sons of...
Go, go, go, go, go!
Wade!
Aah!
Right in here!
In here!
Aah!
Kill him!
No, no, no! Wait, wait, wait!
And I'm not just saying that
'cause you're the only
Our differences are what makes
life beautiful.
What's going on?
Kill him!
No! Wait!
Tracy's right.
Calvin, are you okay?
You don't have a thirst
for blood or anything?
Why would I do that?
I'm studying
for my English test.
Oh, great. How's it going?
We gotta seek out
some higher ground.
Okay, come on, Calvin.
You come with us.
We're clear!
In here, come on!
Come on.
Close the door! Close the door!
Okay, all right.
Hey, hey, is everyone okay?
Can we please take a moment
Of sil... Aah!
Get in here, come on!
Calvin, don't look!
Don't look! Don't look!
She has blisters.
Okay, I think we're safe.
The door is locked.
They cannot get up through
these windows.
The phone's out in here, too.
Can somebody please explain
to me what the hell is going on?
What is going on?
I mean, I hated my teachers
in school.
I hated them, but I never tried
to kill them.
They got cooties.
What?
That's what they're always
saying that girl Shelley has.
Cooties.
She's dirty.
Calvin, that's not very nice.
No, he's right.
In a... In a... In a way.
If you'll follow me, you'll see.
Wade, you're not hurt, are you?
No, babe, I'm good.
She has the raised blisters
of a...
A virus.
I'm okay.
We're safe here, right?
Everybody feels okay?
And we're all safe.
It's pretty interesting
actually.
I knew we'd work it all out.
I would love to get inside
your head.
Oh, guess she's gone
to commit murder somewhere else.
All right, ladies,
here's the plan.
We get down on that ledge,
jump to the ground, hightail it
Like linebackers to our cars.
Boom!
What? I thought you just
tried to outrun them.
You... You said they were too fast
for you.
Yeah, but that was before
I had a weapon.
A violin?
Not just a violin,
it's an instrument of death.
I propose we create
a symphony of death.
Everyone, grab an instrument.
Here, you take this.
Oh, yeah,
that'll be real effective.
What are you offering,
besides throwing hot pots
Of coffee at people,
or writing a stupid book
That no one wants to read
about some guy who wants
To fuck a boat?
Wait, it's not about a guy
who wants to fuck a boat.
It's a book about obsession
and possession on the high seas.
He wants to fuck the boat,
and you know it.
Listen...
Listen, little Stevie king...
there's an invention called
a cell phone that your stupid,
We need to get to
the principal's office,
Grab our phones,
and call someone who can
Help quarantine these kids.
We're in a total lockdown,
in case you haven't noticed!
We have been breached,
and there are little cootie kids
Right out there in the hallway
who are willing
To fuckin' rip your face off
with their little teeth!
Well, shit!
Their big teeth haven't even
come in yet!
Aah!
You know what, you carry on
I'll sneak around the school
where there aren't any kids.
Oh, you'll sneak around, huh?
Sneak around
like a little hobbit.
I'm takin' the fight to them
like a fuckin' orc.
And that is the difference
between you and me.
I don't wanna scurry...
Oh, really?
I don't wanna scurry around
the hallway
Like a common squirrel.
The only way we're gonna get
anywhere is if we turn
Our frowns upside down
and try to get along.
You know how I beat
the terrorists after 9/11?
With a positive attitude.
It's true, she did.
Now, I-I don't think going
back for our cell phones is
Necessarily a great idea,
even though it's wonderful
That you're trying,
and we welcome all suggestions.
Wait, I... Wait.
I just thought of something.
What is it?
Um, it's just an idea for...
For keel them all.
The hero's trapped on the boat,
and my mom had this note where
She didn't understand why
he wouldn't just call for help.
I-I got it.
He... He left his... His phone
on the dock.
What are you talking about?
Oh, sorry.
It's my book.
Are you fucking kidding me?
Unbelievable.
Your... Your book is called
keel them all?
Okay, ladies, can we convene
the book club
A little later on, please?
Wade, I think maybe
your idea is maybe
An unwise idea also.
Seriously, Lucy?
I'm sorry.
So what do you propose?
That we wait here until 3:00.
Um...
okay... Okay, what... What happens
at 3:00?
At 3:00, the parents will
come to pick up their kids.
We can get up on the roof
and signal them for help.
Oh, I like that idea.
It's... It's a good one.
Better than your fucking idea.
Anything is better
than your idea.
Oh!
Clint, are you okay?
That sounds...
Yeah, no, I'm... I'm fine.
I'm fine.
What happened to your arm?
Oh, nothing, it's...
Oh, shit.
It's just... It's just a scratch.
Son of a bitch, he's infected!
No, no, no, it's nothing.
You got cooties, motherfucker!
No, no, no, I'm feeling fine!
Wade, wait!
You're coming with me!
Stop resisting!
I feel fine!
Don't resist the quarantine!
Wade! Wade, hon...
Let me out, asshole.
Nobody else go in there.
Oh.
Oh!
I'm going in.
Doug, don't... Ugh.
I don't care.
We have some breaking news
developing in the suburb
Of fort chicken this morning.
You don't...
Excuse me. Listen up, please.
Could everybody
please listen up?
Guys, don't make me ask again.
Quiet, quiet, please.
Please be quiet.
None of us are talking.
Rebekkah.
Quiet, please.
Thank you.
It is my opinion
that Clint has been infected
With whatever those kids have...
yeah, I knew it.
Out there.
Oh, my god. Oh, my god.
But it doesn't seem to be
affecting him in the same way.
He's only exhibiting
mild stomach flu symptoms...
Nausea, cramps,
a little diarrhea, vomiting,
Mild anal leakage...
But it is my hypothesis
That we are safe from him
for now.
He will not attempt to murder us
or tear us limb from limb.
He just has the flu.
How do you...
How do you know all this?
Well, Rebekkah,
I just examined his fluids
With two of history's oldest
scientific instruments...
My hands.
Oh, Doug.
Don't worry.
I'm wearing gloves.
Oh, no, you're not.
No. No, you're not.
God damn it, Doug.
I see.
Oh, god.
Okay, okay, it doesn't matter.
Listen, the sub stays locked
in the closet.
If he gets a clean bill of
health at 3:00, then we'll talk.
If he gets a clean bill of
health at 3:00, then we'll talk.
If he gets a clean bill of
health at 3:00, then we'll talk.
Keep your distance, Grisham.
Oh, there...
There's vomit there.
Ugh, god!
Just watch your step.
Are you all right?
Hey, how are you feeling?
Um, better.
Come on, okay.
That's yours.
Oh, thank you.
Wait, oh, I know that car.
That's the PTA president,
racer Dobkins' mom.
She always gets here early
to open the gates.
Hey, hey, over here!
Hey!
Hey!
Call for help!
Call for help!
Use the phone!
Over here!
This could fall apart
at any minute, all right?
And I'm just thinking
about the children.
Those little bastards
Are gonna kill her.
She's... It's fine.
She's gonna be fine.
Wait, there he is.
No, no, no, no, no, no.
Don't open the door.
She can't even see us.
Don't let him get in!
Don't let him in!
Don't let him in!
Who's mommy's angel?
Who's mommy's little angel?
Yes, you are. Yes, you are.
Get out of the car!
Don't!
No!
You tell Simms that $300
won't cut it.
Oh, god, Steve,
I know what's going on with
this school 24/7, all right?
Come on, racer, let's go!
You wanna go to soccer practice
or not, honeypuckle?
I'm not gonna be the one
holding the bag at the goddamn
Book drive again this year,
all right?
No, you...
racer, what the hell
are you doing to your brother
Back there now, huh?
What are you doing?
Oh!
They go right for the face!
I told you!
The other parents are gonna be
here any second.
They'll massacre
the other parents.
Aah!
Oh, my god!
Get off of me!
Help me!
She's not one of them!
How do you know?
Look at her face.
It's not covered in pox.
Help her up! Help her up!
Oh, god, they're coming!
They're coming!
Come on!
They're getting up on the roof!
They're in the trees!
Move!
Come on!
Where do we go?
To the auditorium!
Aah!
Move! Move! Move! Move!
Aah! Help!
Get him off me!
Aah!
Wade, I...
Tammy, why don't you
And Calvin come on over here
with me?
That guy always cheated off me.
Calvin, come on.
I'll make sure all the doors
are secure.
Why... Why is his blood black?
I don't know.
That's what I want to find out.
I-I think I'm gonna dissect him.
You guys help me.
Hey, look at us.
We're fine.
You know, we're... We're still us,
because you know why?
Because none of us got bitten
or scratched.
I did.
Oh.
Oh, no, it's fine.
We'll just... We'll go
to the washroom and... And we'll...
You'll wash it out with soap
so it won't get infected, okay?
How... What do you say?
Okay.
Oh, my god, I can't believe
you're doing this.
I can't believe boys pee
in those.
I mean, that's disgusting.
That's disgusting?
It's not disgusting
to have boys staring
At each other's penises?
What... What is wrong with
that, okay?
We got bigger things
to worry about.
Well, this is interesting.
Oh, god!
Oh, my god!
Oh, god.
I'm gonna extract the brain.
Oh, that's just rude.
Tracy, god damn it.
It appears the preliminary
reports have been confirmed.
Children are, for some reason,
violently attacking
Their parents in front of
fort chicken elementary.
We now have reports of victims
around the city,
And authorities have no idea
what is going on.
Stay inside.
Stay in your cars.
Do not go...
Dude, this is totally
Tripping me out.
Are you on 'shrooms, too?
Hey.
Can I get you anything?
I'd really rather be
left alone, Lucy.
Wade, can we please talk?
I don't want to talk.
I know you don't, but I do.
Then why don't you talk
to your boyfriend about it?
Clint and I
went to school together.
I haven't seen him in 15 years.
I walked in this morning,
guy was fuckin' hittin' on you,
And you were eatin' it up.
Are you kidding me?
No, I'm not kiddin' you, Lucy.
You can't even deny it.
Deny it.
Clint and I were just
talking, and I'm sorry
If I hurt your feelings.
I didn't mean to.
Oh.
Look, I'm sorry.
But I know neither of us thought
this was how the day
Was gonna go
when we woke up this morning.
I thought today was gonna go
way different than this.
You have no idea.
I bought you a ring yesterday,
Lucy.
And then I walk in, and I see
you laughing and smiling
At that little asshole.
And you know what I thought?
I thought, wow,
she looks so pretty
When she smiles.
How come she never smiles at me
like that?
I'll talk to you later, Lucy.
And go fuck yourself.
Prognosis is not good.
Oh!
As you can see, most of the gray
And white matter has been...
Rebekkah, quiet, please.
Most of the gray
and white matter has been
Severely infected.
It's showing the beginning
stages of necroptosis
And decomposition.
All of these black areas
are basically dead.
I mean, they can run, jump, eat,
but they're not human anymore,
Not really.
Once again,
how do you know all this?
I learned all about the brain
when I had a 6-Inch spike lodged
In my skull as a child,
which is the reason why
You may have noticed
that sometimes when I'm talking
I use the wrong rowboat.
Word.
Now, bacteria can't cross
the blood/brain barrier.
So I'm thinking this is
more likely a virus.
What kind of virus
would do that?
A pretty nasty one.
Calvin said that Shelley linker
was the first one to bite,
Right?
Yeah.
But what about Clint and Tamra?
All it did was make them sick.
I have a theory about this.
Hold on a moment.
Tamra?
Yeah?
Have you achieved menses?
What?
No, he's, uh, asking you
if you've had your period yet.
Um, I really don't wanna say.
You wear a bra, right?
Yeah.
Thank you.
Gave you an "a" in sex Ed,
Tamra.
Little disappointed
you don't know what menses are.
Why is sex Ed always taught
by the creepiest teachers?
Clint, quiet, please.
It seems that the virus is
susceptible to androgens.
I mean, the prepubescent body
has testosterone and estrogen.
But at puberty, the body's
glands create a feedback cycle
That increases the gonadotropins
by about 2,000.
Just what are you trying to say?
Talk like a person.
Please.
The... The virus is only
dangerous is you haven't
Gone through puberty.
Was that them?
What's going on?
How'd they do that?
Okay, everyone, stay calm!
Calvin.
Huh?
Oh, shit. Calvin!
Calvin!
Over here, guys.
Quick, quick, quick!
Calvin, wake up.
Wake up, Calvin.
Quit slapping me.
He needs to eat something.
We need to get him a candy bar
or a soda.
Wade, do you have any snack bars
or something?
I got creatine powder.
Well, he needs something
with sugar.
This body is a no-Carb zone.
Ah, what was that?
Probably one of the demented
children that's been trying
It's coming from over there.
They're in the boiler room.
They can't be.
I've checked all these doors.
They're... They're locked.
Oh, my god, they have keys!
Doug, I thought you said they
couldn't do stuff like that.
Oh, they're gonna get in here.
We're all gonna die!
This can't be the end.
I'm not even published yet.
Wade, I've thought about it.
I don't think I can marry you.
I'm sorry!
Jesus!
It's the fucking janitor!
Hatachi?
What are you doing here?
The lights are out.
Okay, we gotta move!
Go!
Move it! Move it!
Watch your step.
What the hell?
You live down here?
Yes.
When is this gonna end?
Where are we going?
Oh, my god.
Where are we?
We have a kid who needs help.
He's diabetic.
Do you have any food?
Nori.
Oh, seaweed.
Oh.
I'm afraid that won't work.
No.
Oh.
Oh, the microwave.
This is the activation of
The emergency broadcast system
for the township
Of fort chicken, Illinois.
Effective immediately,
the mayor of fort chicken
Has announced mandatory
evacuations of neighborhoods
East of Winslow avenue.
Authorities are reporting
the spread
Of a highly contagious virus.
Reports say...
We're alone.
We're all gonna die, aren't we?
No. No, we're not.
There's a snack machine
in the teachers lounge, right?
Wade, how many people can fit
in your truck?
I told you,
it's a dual reow weeow...
Dual reow...
It's a dual rear wee...
Probably eight, max.
Where are the keys?
Up with my jacket.
Back in the teachers lounge,
which is impossible to get to.
Where does that lead?
Conditioning of air.
So this duct takes us
to the teachers lounge.
Guys, we take the duct
to the lounge.
We... We get Calvin something
from the vending machine,
We get back here, fix Calvin up,
and take the duct as close to
If we're near the office, we
should grab our cell phones too.
Right.
Yeah, but who's going up
into that thing?
Who's teensy-Weensy enough
to fit up...
me?
No, no, no, no, no, no, no.
No, I... No, I-I definitely don't
do brave stuff.
Like, I've never even been
camping.
Look, I-I have a blog.
I-I get excited about
apple products.
That's what I'm comfortable
with.
Here we go.
By letting you guard this,
I'm trusting you
With my entire life.
Circle, circle, dot, dot.
Now you have a cooties shot.
It'll protect you.
Thanks, Tamra.
Remember, Clint, if you fail,
we're all gonna die.
I appreciate the update, Doug.
You're doing great.
Just trust yourself.
Yeah, and your cock is
Girthy, too.
Oh, fuck off, wade.
You fuck off.
Both of you cut it...
Both of you cut it out.
You know who you sound like?
You sound like your students.
I don't have students.
I'm not a teacher, I'm a writer.
Yeah, a self-Published
writer.
Guess what, I'm self-Published,
too.
Doug, do you wanna buy my book?
There are no words on this.
You know what?
I'm going, too.
Lucy, what are you doing?
You can't...
No! No, you are not!
You can't do anything
to stop me!
If I wanna go in the fucking
air-Conditioning duct, I'll go!
I'm just gonna die anyway,
just like the rest of you
Assholes, so maybe I'm gonna try
and do something brave
As a final pointless gesture
of kindness in this cruel,
Shitty world
that likes taking gestures
Of kindness and shitting
and peeing on them!
Since you're all gonna be dead
soon anyway, I should tell you,
I hate every single one of you.
Aah!
I'm coming with you whether you
like it or not, so shut up.
Okay.
This makes me so nervous.
He paces like this late at night
When he's on the phone, too.
It's so ridiculous.
How do you know that?
You better not let anything
happen to her, asshole.
That's funny, because I was
thinking of letting
Really bad things happen to her.
I will squeeze up in there
and slap your dick off.
Thanks for coming to help me.
No problem.
I think this is it.
Careful...
oh, um...
do you have a dollar?
Yeah.
There's wade's keys.
I'm gonna go check and see
if there's a phone.
No, no, no, wait for me.
No, we don't have time.
You get the candy bar.
I'm gonna get a phone.
Okay, be... Be careful.
Yeah.
Come on.
Come on. Come on.
Shit!
Did you get it?
Did you get it?
I'm working on it!
Hurry up!
We're not gonna make it!
Go left!
Guys, heads up!
They did it.
Hey, look what we got for you.
The desk! The desk!
I don't know how much longer
I can hold this.
Aah!
Oh, my god! Oh, my god!
Miss Hanford!
Oh!
After the fifth
half-Eaten corpse you see,
It's... still horrifying
but somehow slightly less
Horrifying.
Shit!
Guys, look out!
They're in the vents!
They're heading your way!
I'll get the locks.
More stuff, come on.
Here!
Here.
Let's go!
They're coming!
Straps!
Come on!
Got it!
Why do they pound?
What does all the pounding
accomplish?
Are you guys okay?
Yeah, we're all good.
Thanks for the heads up.
We are not all good!
We are trapped in here.
Oh, god, those kids are gonna
come in here.
They're gonna rip us to shreds.
Tracy, we get it.
You've got to calm down
right now!
I know. I'm sorry. I'm sorry.
I'm...
Calm!
I'm fine.
I'm calm.
Okay.
Thank you.
Calm down!
I'm calm!
I already said I was calm.
This is, like,
the worst Monday ever.
This probably isn't
The greatest timing,
but I have a confession to make.
When I saw you this morning,
I was only pretending
To be surprised.
I knew you taught here.
Wait, really?
I've been
pretty depressed lately,
And I just wanted to see you.
It... It's stupid.
I mean, we... We haven't had
a conversation in,
I guess I kinda missed you
somehow.
Sorry, that's... That's so creepy.
No.
It's not creepy.
I heard you were in new York
following your dream
Of being a writer.
Oh, well, I have
another confession to make.
Remember when I-I said
I-I wasn't a teacher?
That was a lie, too.
That's what I was doing
in new York.
Really?
Yeah.
Yeah, I've been teaching
first grade for two years.
I mean, I thought
I would have free time to write,
On my free time,
but as it turns out,
There is no free time.
Teaching's the hardest job
In the world.
And I would look out at the kids
In my class,
and I-I found myself getting
Jealous of them.
They have the whole world
ahead of them.
Their whole lives ahead of them.
They have all these
opportunities
That have already passed me by.
Mm...
What?
Nothing, I was... gonna tell
you you were wrong,
But you sort of have a point.
Oh.
That's super comforting.
Thanks.
Oh!
I prob... I probably shouldn't
have done that.
I-I can't just barge into
your life like that.
Even if I do kind of hate
your boyfriend.
Just need a bottle of wine.
Right?
One of those backpacks
must have some beer in it.
Definitely Ritalin,
probably adderall, too.
Wait.
There's still so much
I haven't done.
Like... Like I've always wanted
to fire an Uzi.
I don't know.
I wanted a bunny.
I always wanted a bunny
growing up
And never got one.
You know what I want?
I wanna know why
my brother-In-Law
Makes tens times what I do.
And you know what he does
for a living?
He makes giant foam fingers
for football games.
Like, you tell people
you're a teacher,
And they look at you like,
"oh, you must have wanted to do
Something else and you couldn't
get anything going."
And it's like, "fuck you, man.
I'm raising your kids."
I love my job,
and teachers deserve respect.
Yeah.
I'm sorry that it took me
till today to realize this,
But...
I really actually like you guys.
I always wanted to have sex
with a prostitute
Who was nonwhite.
Is anybody there?
Wade?
Hey.
You okay?
Yeah.
Hey, listen, Lucy,
about today...
Wade, we can talk about this
another time.
Let's not talk about this
right now.
No, I wanna talk about it.
Lucy, I love you.
And I'm so sorry
that I was an asshole today.
Clint's not listening, is he?
No, it's just me.
'Cause look, I know you're not
crazy about your hometown.
Okay, and this is probably not
what you pictured growing up,
That you'd be dating
some P.E. Teacher.
And I guess I just got jealous
that some fancy pants new York
Writer was gonna swoop in and...
no, wait!
To live there, and I just don't
know that that's something
That I can ever...
Wade, it's Clint.
Goddamn it, asshole!
Put Lucy back on.
I'm not a fancy writer
from new York.
I'm a bad writer
from fort chicken.
I sleep in a bed
I used to pee in.
You're a handsome guy
who Lucy likes.
And if you guys are meant
to be together,
I'm all for it.
I'm sorry I got in the way.
You really think
I'm a handsome guy?
Listen, thanks, Clint.
Just...
can you put Lucy back on,
please?
Wade, I love you, but I...
Lucy, I...
Wade, it's me again.
Goddamn it!
I have an idea.
Listen up.
Oh, dear lord.
Is the coast clear?
If by clear, you mean
filled with terrifying imagery
That will take me
years of therapy to unsee...
hey!
Hey, sweetie!
Put those drugs down.
Look! Drugs!
Are you hungry for some drugs?
You want some Ritalin?
Some adderall?
You remember how
In that movie commando
and every other
'80s action film, there was that
Suiting up montage?
Well, this is that scene.
Yeah.
Now, they've got us
outnumbered, outgunned,
And out...
but there's one thing we have
that they don't...
The drive to win!
They seem very driven to me.
We need to turn this room
Inside out.
Look under every shelf,
inside every box.
Gather anything you
or someone else can use.
We gotta collect everything.
We gotta have bats and tools
and ropes and pointy things,
Anything that has a spike on it,
anything that's serrated.
We're not playing defense
anymore.
Our third and fourth graders,
you can forget about them.
So forget who you think
you're fighting,
'Cause we're going to war!
I used to be a champion!
I'm a little fatter now.
Yeah, I'm a little balder, too,
but I still got that spirit.
And they are not taking that
away from me!
I played dodgeball a million
Times with these little shits.
Go for the face.
It's the weak spot.
Huh.
I guess they really can overdose
on that stuff.
Okay, looks like the adderall
They should be knocked out
for a while.
Remember, when we say "go,"
we rendezvous in the main hall,
Head straight for the back door,
then haul ass for wade's truck.
Are you guys ready?
We are good to go.
We can do this.
Between us, we've got 18
regional championship trophies,
Three MVPs,
and one state championship ring.
Wade, those are all your awards.
Exactly,
and I'm a part of this team.
That makes us all champions!
Now, are we ready?
Ready!
Ready.
I'm gay.
Oh! I fucking knew it.
Hatachi, you ready?
Yes, Hatachi ready to die.
My father told me story once,
story of frog and caterpillar.
It was winter,
and frog is sitting on
Snow-Covered branch.
The frog looked and saw
the caterpillar and ask him...
Okay, this story is taking
way too long.
Let's play some dodgeball!
Hey, guys.
Okay, I got this.
Uhh!
Come on.
Aah!
Fuck yeah! Let's go!
Go! Go!
Move it!
Let's go!
Come on!
Damn it, I'm out of balls!
Oh, shit.
Ha!
Ah!
Rock 'n' roll!
Aah!
Lucy! Where's Lucy?
I don't know!
Aah!
Come on! Come on!
Aah!
You motherfuckers!
Clint,
take me to subway sometime.
Aah!
Give her the keys!
Get those kids to the truck!
Move!
Go, go, go, go!
Get out of here!
Get in! Get in!
Hah! Hah!
Hey, Danielle steel!
Take care of her.
Aaaah!
No!
No!
No, Lucy, no!
Wade!
Hah! Ahh!
Wade!
Oh, no! No!
Aah! Aah!
No, we gotta go!
We gotta go! Go!
Get in!
Oh, my god!
Oh, my god!
Wade! Oh!
Aah!
No!
Lucy, I'm sorry.
What about these kids' parents?
What about our parents?
Oh, shit.
What?
We're almost out of... Aah!
Get him off!
Get him off!
He must have been in the back
Oh, my god, what is he doing?
Ram him!
Eat a cock.
Uhh... eh...
well, that ought to do it.
Guys, up ahead.
It's Danville.
Danville is the worst place
on the planet.
At least it's not fort chicken.
Oh, my god!
Well, I'd feel worse
if all these dead people
Weren't from fucking Danville.
Well, now we're really
out of gas.
Everybody stay close.
Wait, where's Doug?
There he is.
Doug, come on!
No, you come here.
They're everywhere.
Well, that's Indiana.
That's Ohio.
It's an epidemic.
Actually, the correct term
is pandemic.
A pandemic covers a much wider
geographical...
That's the fort chicken factory.
Is there anything
from that factory served
In the school cafeteria?
The chicken nuggets.
Of course, a foodborne virus.
If I could get a handful
of homing endonucleases,
Each one targeting a different
specific section of the genome...
You're doing it again.
You're doing it again.
Rebekkah, quiet please.
You see, that time
I was actually talking.
If we could isolate the virus
and kill it while preserving
The capsid protein...
Doug, please dumb it down
A little.
If I could find
one of the infected nuggets,
Maybe I could make a vaccine...
for... For the...
Aah!
Everybody look for an open door!
Guys, hurry up! Get in here!
Go, go, go, go, go, go, go!
Hurry!
Everyone okay?
Okay, we're here.
We made it, right?
Oh, I fucking hate Danville
so much.
Everyone stick together.
Okay.
I can't see anything.
Someone find a light.
Aah!
It's me.
These things are great.
It's like...
Let's go this way.
Oh, my god,
those are the nuggets.
You'll come in
handy, little one.
Nugget out of here.
Nugget out...
Nugget out of here.
Come on.
Come on.
Where are we?
I hate to say it, guys,
but, oh, shit.
Aah!
Aah!
Hah! Somebody
order a badass?
Wade!
Aah!
Now, Hatachi.
Now the time for the
frog to fuck the caterpillar?
Whatever, Hatachi.
Aah!
Wait, they're coming!
Let's go!
Get in the van! Let's go!
Move! Move! Move!
I-I thought you were dead.
It was just halftime, baby.
Go to the van!
Run! Run! Run!
Aah!
Aah!
Aah!
Hurry!
Let's go! We can make it!
Help me wedge this in here.
Clint, go! Get out of here!
Aah!
Kids, kids, go, go, go!
Oh my god!
Is this one of those really
intense drug interventions?
I'm givin' you kids an "F"
For fuck you!
Get up! Come on, let's go!
Go! Go, go, go!
What are you doing?
Water won't hold them off.
It ain't water.
Nap time, motherfuckers.
Let's roll.
Where are we going?
Someplace kids don't wanna go.
Wade, how did you find us?
I always know where to
find my dual weeow...
Weeow... My do
wea... My do weeow...
And the frog fucked
the caterpillar!
Ha!