Cop and 1/2 (Cop and a Half) (1993) Movie Script
Go, Katy! Go, Katy!
Go, go, go, Katy!
Go, Katy! Go, Katy!
Go, go, go, Katy!
Go, Katy!
Go, go, go, Katy!
Dang, Marie, this is police business.
I could've wasted you.
It's just a water gun, you jerk.
This is Mad Dog.
I can't wait for backup.
I'm going in alone.
You're dead meat, Mad Dog.
You feel lucky
about yourself, Sanchez?
Do you, punk?
- [Sanchez] Eat slime, cop.
- You're mine.
Sanchez, come out
with your hands in the air.
- What are you doing?
- Oh, no, I thought you were on fire.
We're not finished,
Mr. Butler.
You're lucky I got a class.
Damn civilians.
- [Sighs]
- [Door Creaking]
Okay, we'll do it the hard way.
Freeze, dirt bag!
- Get out of here.
- I'm history.
Nice of you
to drop in, Butt-ler.
Well, I'm dropping out.
If you hurt me,
my dad will rip your head off.
Blood and guts and slime
will be coming out your ears.
That don't scare Rio.
My dad's doin' hard time.
You must be very proud.
- I am.
- Whoa.
A dollar a day. That's a bargain
to come to this school.
- Ain't it?
- You smell like vomit.
Butler thinks he's a real cop.
Put me down! Crawl back
in the hole you came from!
Two bucks.
Thanks for the money, dweeb.
- Give it back to me, you pus heads.
- Pus heads? - Pus heads?
- That calls for payback.
- Put me down!
Put me down!
Guys, please.
- You little twerp!
- Please.
- I meant it in the nicest way.
- Too bad! - Too bad!
- [Toilet Flushing]
- Ohh! Swirly.
Looks like you had a little accident.
- Hope you have fun.
- Enjoy your recess, nerd!
- Let me in! Let me in!
- I love this school.
I've been looking for you, mister.
You been swimmin', Butler?
No, he's been dunkin' for turds.
[Children Laughing]
[Teacher] That's enough!
Let's you and I take a walk.
- Give my regards to Mr. Flemming.
- [Children] Yeah!
Now tell me, what have
you learned today? Sit up straight.
That I can hold my breath a lot longer
than I thought I could.
Do I sense, uh...
a little insolence?
No.
Devon.
Devon, Devon, Devon.
Lies are not explanations.
I'm not lying.
Every day these big jumbos...
come and take my money,
they put me in the toilet...
and hold me upside down.
Always blaming it on someone else.
You leave me no choice, Devon.
I have to call your grandmother.
Mister Flemming, please.
You don't have to call her.
She can't take personal calls.
It makes her sick.
And she's on a very hard shift now.
Sit down, Devon.
Devon, if I don't make this call,
you will never learn...
and I would have done you
a great injustice.
- 2-8-3, isn't it?
- Yeah.
- What?
- Yes, Mr. Flemming.
Thank you.
Ah, don't worry about Flemming.
He's just a dork.
Yeah? Well, why doesn't
my grandmother know that?
- [Sirens Wailing]
- Stop, listen.
- Fire truck?
- No, that's a cop.
It's code three.
Let's roll.
[Truck Honking]
[Speaker] I'm not getting
out of this car. I hate to run!
[Driver] I told you I'm not
getting out of this car!
What are you, a nut?
Oh! Oh-oh-oh-oh!
[Driver] I warned you.
- Do all cops do that?
- Only the best.
[Driver] Quintero, who do you think
is gonna run out of gas first?
[Waldo] Chu, get in!
- [Devon] Here, hold these.
- Got 'em.
- Did you get the license?
- You bet.
[Driver]
Quintero, don't jump over that fence.
I hate to run.
Look, we gotta go see that.
Son of a...
Son of a...
I hate to jump.
I really hate to jump.
Come on, Sanchez, keep up.
We're gonna win
first prize this year.
Oh, my goodness!
Who do you think you are,
the Lone Ranger? Get out of my yard!
[Driver] End of the line!
Hey, get your filthy butt off my car.
I just had it waxed.
All right, we're gonna
do it the hard way.
Aaah!
All right, stop whining.
You drop something, Quintero?
Looks like drugs.
That ain't mine.
You know who I am?
You used to be Nick McKenna
before you lost a step.
Oww!
Oh, I'm sorry.
I broke the nose.
And I gotta fix it.
I'm s... Let me fix this.
I think I can fix it.
- Ooh.
- Aaah!
Gentle.
I should've been a doctor.
It's all right.
Sorry about the disturbance.
All right, put your hands out.
You know the drill.
Now I'm gonna tie you to the car,
'cause I don't want you
gettin' in my car, all right?
Yeah.
You know why?
Because you stink like garbage.
Okay, you ready?
And we'll just take
this little evidence along.
[Engine Starting]
You overweight rat.
You're a sore loser.
Hey, McKenna, come on, man.
Listen, this is not civilized.
He's makin' that fool run
all the way back to the station.
Damn you, McKenna. You're not gonna
do this. Not the freeway!
Let's get out of here.
- Good-bye.
- See you later.
You're late.
Freeze!
Devon?
Grandma, you won't believe
what me and Ray saw.
"What Ray and I saw."
The school called again, Devon.
What'd the school say?
Devon, you gotta stop
playin' stupid cop games.
- They're not stupid.
- And just start taking responsibility.
But if I were a policeman,
I probably could take care of you...
and get my own apartment someday.
I'll take care of myself.
You just learn to take care of yourself.
Honey, did you see my keys?
- You're going to work?
- Yes, yes, I'm going to work.
The keys are in the ashtray,
next to my handcuffs.
The hospital's shorthanded.
I gotta sub again.
But tonight's the night
we watch Miami Vice together.
Don't you think I wish I could just
sit back and watch TV with you?
But you're a nurse.
You could make up some great disease.
Oh, you know I can't do that.
[Car Honking]
There's my ride.
In bed by 9:00.
- But Grandma, wait!
- And not a minute later!
- Do you hear me, Devon?
- I can't do that. 10:30.
Forget it.
9:45. I'm in the fourth grade.
9:30. And you're
in the third grade.
Deal. You have
your police whistle?
Yes, Devon, I have it.
Now, Mrs. Norris across the hall
is gonna to look in on you.
Make sure you leave your
homework out so I can check it.
Okay.
Leaving him alone again, I see.
Stickin' your sweet face into
everybody's business again, I see.
Bye.
Your grandmother should be
reported to social services.
Oh, really?
And you should be reported
to the Orkin Man.
[Speaking Spanish]
You're under arrest.
My client's ready to make a deal.
What're you offering?
First degree reduced to second...
with a guarantee of
no more than ten years.
Make it five.
Seven, but I'll want him
to testify against Medford.
That's bonus information.
Ever hear of "quid pro quo"?
Quid pro quo.
One hand washes the other? Why
don't you get me some soap?
[Indistinct Chatter]
Hey, Ray, wanna go for a ride?
Sorry, I have to eat dinner
with my parents.
Call you later.
Okay.
[Devon] That black car again!
[Barge Horn Blowing]
Hey, Quintero, McKenna gave you
the third degree, huh?
He tried to ask me about Bobo and the
drugs being delivered to Mr. Fountain.
I told him Zippo.
You did good.
Good enough to even
meet the boss, you stiff.
He's gonna thank you personally,
I want you to know that.
What do you think?
Sit, sit, sit.
[Quintero]
I'm just bein' a stand-up guy.
[Fountain] Well, hey
I'm the type of guy
that likes to roam around
I'm never in one place, hey
I roam from town to town
I love 'em and I leave 'em
'Cause you know that I'm the best
I hop into my car
and I drive around the world
- They call me the wanderer
- The wanderer
- Yeah, the wanderer
- Whoa, whoa, whoa
I roam around and 'round
and 'round and 'round
Around and 'round
and 'round and 'round
Hey, boss, you kill me.
You are my idol,
Mr. Fountain, my idol.
I'm so happy to meet you. I love
your singing. Do you have an album out?
You wouldn't be just saying that
to butter me up, would you?
Because I detest hypocrisy.
No way.
Ooh, Chu, there's a fish in here.
Get rid of it.
- [Chu] You got it, boss.
- Hey, what're you doin'?
- Hey, turn loose of me.
- You know,
in a fit of nostalgia,
I was gonna shoot
you myself, but I hate
being so hands-on,
but I hate stoolies even more.
Stoolie! I'm no stoolie.
I never said a word to McKenna.
Are you kidding me?
You really think that I don't know
why they let you go so fast?
[Quintero] You got it all wrong.
[Muffled] Hey!
What a waste of a good chicken leg.
Heh, heh, heh. Relax.
You're gonna get indigestion.
You're gonna love this. It's gonna
take you all the way back to 1961.
Splish splash I was takin' a bath
All about a Saturday night
- Bum, bum, bum
- Bum, bum, bum
Rub-a-dub
I jumped back in the tub
Bobo delivers the euphoria 10:30
Thursday morning. That's 100 grand.
Your cop friends get that,
Quintero, huh?
Was it loud enough for you, huh?
- [Muffled Yelling]
- [Fountain] What, you can't swim?
Hey, Quintero, I hope
you got your flippers on.
I hope your suit
is drip-dry.
[Splash]
[Clank]
Relax. Probably the pigeons.
I'll take care of it.
- Oh, no.
- I'm comin', boss.
We'll take care of this,
Mr. Fountain.
You really think that's gonna work?
No, boss. I'm stupid.
Just once I would like to conduct
business in a hygienic environment.
- Yes, boss.
- Yes, boss.
[Reporter] Come on, McKenna,
you've gotta give me something.
I haven't got anything. I just
got here, for cryin' out loud.
- Give me a break, will ya?
- Hey, found him for you.
- Quintero?
- So much for the "scum floats" theory.
He was my only lead.
Hey, relax.
Got a witness.
- You got a witness?
- Yes, sir.
- Where is he?
- Well, he's right over here.
Where?
- Nick.
- Yeah?
Over here. He's been askin'
for you all night.
- Hi.
- Hi.
I'm Devon Butler.
You can just call me Devon.
Ready for fingerprinting?
Let me talk to you a minute.
Have you got any idea
what a sharp lawyer...
will do with a little kid
on the witness stand?
He will rip
this little guy to shreds.
He won't know the killer
from Captain Kangaroo.
- What are you trying to do to me?
- Nick, he's all we got.
What's up?
Little boy, if you saw the bad man
again, would you recognize him?
Don't you think a formal
interrogation downtown is in order?
And Captain Kangaroo hasn't
been on the air for nine years.
God hates me. Get his parents,
get him downtown.
[Nick] Who are you?
I'm Devon Butler. I just told
you back there. Short memory.
Ha, ha.
Look at that fat jumbo.
Do you recognize anybody in the book?
You have any pictures
of these guys from the back?
I don't think I like
that question. Why?
That's the way I saw 'em.
Let me explain something
to you, all right?
See, my strong suit is not patience.
So what I want you
to do is look at the
book there and find
someone you recognize.
Otherwise I'm going to
rip your little head off.
Nick.
I got a plate number.
Son, why didn't you
tell us that before?
Anybody ever heard of quid pro quo?
One hand washes the other.
One hand washes the other.
That's bonus information.
Would you like a Popsicle?
No, I don't want no Popsicle.
I want to see your superior.
Hello, Devon.
My name is Captain Rubio.
I understand from Detective McKenna
that you wanted to see me.
You need me to testify
and identify, right?
Yes, Devon,
that would be very helpful.
Ma'am, I'd like to cut a deal.
[Rubio] He wants to be a cop.
What?
Shield, assignments,
squad car, the works.
And he's not gonna help us
unless he gets it.
Bring the criminal back
when you arrest him.
Don't go...
Don't go let him eat.
Just bring him to jail.
Bring him to jail!
Oh. Give me five minutes
with him alone.
Hey, uh...
So, anybody want a sip?
Guess not.
[Devon Humming]
Devon, sweetie,
why don't you just go ahead
and give us that plate number...
and then we can all go home.
Okay, make me a cop.
Why do you want to be a cop?
Look at this guy.
Raggedy-ass clothes,
20-year-old car,
bad back, bad marriage, bad attitude.
Son, does that sound like
any kind of life for anybody?
But if you were a cop,
people don't sass you.
Give us the plate number!
Nick!
I'll give you a little taste
of what I got.
A taste? Where does
he get this stuff?
Prime time.
There's a shipment
of euphoria coming in.
Tell us something we don't know.
Thursday, 10:30.
Mm-hmm. Where?
Don't know, but I got a name.
Why is everyone gatherin' around me?
What's the name?
- I really want to give you his name.
- Mm-hmm.
You put me on duty, it's yours.
Hey, McPhail, I'm from outer space.
Listen, you've had
ride-alongs before.
No, I don't.
Yes, you have, so I want you
to take him for eight hours.
- Other guys have ride-alongs.
- Put a sock in it, Nick!
I want you to drive him around
for eight hours,
let him hit the siren
a couple of times, humor him.
What is the problem with this?
- I don't get along with kids.
- I don't care.
- I don't like them, they don't like me.
- Nobody cares.
You can't have any fun with a kid.
You take a kid to a bar, he has
one drink, he falls off his stool.
What?
You gave me such a
wonderful present today.
You gave me two destroyed lawns,
a Weber grill, a chaise lounge...
- I gave you a perp.
- Reckless endangerment. You owe me.
I don't owe you nothin'!
I don't owe you nothin'!
You owe me this thing, Nick!
Nick, when you get home, you want to
check and see how the blues fit?
- Are they a little snug under the belt?
- [Slams Table]
- Hello, I'm detective...
- Baby!
Oh, baby.
I told them not to call.
Oh, you had me scared to death!
Mrs. Baldwin, hi.
I'm Captain Rubio.
Yes, yes.
As I explained, young Devon here
witnessed a murder earlier this evening.
- Fortunately, he wasn't harmed.
- They're gonna let me be a cop.
What Devon means is: We're just
gonna have one of our men...
ride him around for a few hours,
sort of as a reward.
It's quid pro quo
for helping them out.
My grandson has seen all I
want him to see of police work.
No, no, no.
This is going to be
nothing dangerous.
He's going to be riding with
our department's most decorated man.
Devon, you ride around
with me for eight hours.
If you so much as think
about getting in my way,
I'm gonna tie your little ass to the
axle and drag you all over the city.
- Okay? Hmm?
- [Rubio] Nick.
I'd like you to meet
Devon's grandmother.
How do you do?
No, no, please don't bother
with introductions. We're leaving.
You talk to my grandson again like
that and you'll be wearing that axle.
Grandma, I'll be serving our community,
taking responsibility.
Now where'd you get that?
- From you.
- Well...
- Thank you!
- Now, I didn't say yes.
But you said "well," and you always
say "well" before you say "yes."
Well, look, we need
to discuss this some more.
That's, uh, sharp, Nick.
[Fountain]
Remember when I first met you
Wish me luck.
The heavens in my heart
- Leaped into your eye...
- [Knocking]
You're amazing.
You really think so, huh?
This better be good.
[Chu] Well, sir, they got a witness.
And what did this witness witness?
It's just some kid,
but we know where he lives.
How much could a little kid see?
I was a little kid once myself
and I saw everything.
Thank you.
Chu, find out everything
you can about this kid.
[Devon] Nice pair of boots, Nick.
I have to get me a pair of those.
So what kind of hardware
do you carry?
I carry a bazooka in the trunk.
Everyone, could I please
get your attention?
You be careful out there.
Don't talk to anybody, especially me.
Hey, kid, you take care of McKenna.
He's fading fast.
I'm an eight-year-old,
not a miracle worker.
Get in the car.
My shield, my badge.
All right, here you are.
Now get in the car.
I always wanted one of these.
Get in the car!
Yes?
My cuffs.
A cop's gotta have cuffs.
He's right, McKenna. Cuffs are what
make this job worth doing.
Thank you.
Everybody, get in the car!
- Javohl.
- Aye, aye.
Let's get down to business.
We're gonna have fun.
Right.
- Buckle up.
- Wait a minute, I can't see.
Raise your butt up.
All right.
[Speaker] Calling all cars,
all cars. This is Detective Butler.
- What are you doing?
- You give me no joy.
[Devon]
What do you got under the hood?
[McKenna] I got an engine
and in a minute, you.
Hey, when do we stop
for donuts and coffee?
Haven't you heard
about secondary smoke?
[Coughing]
Haven't you heard about
minding your own business?
At this very moment,
the pink, delicate tissues...
of my still-forming lungs
may be shriveling...
into green chunks of mucus...
struggling for their last gasp
of poison, brown air.
- Happy?
- Now you're littering.
What are we here for?
Stakeout.
It's your shift.
Do I look like
a five-year-old to you?
I can't tell.
The light's not too good in here.
Deal's off.
This is Dullsville.
Well, lesson number one:
Police work is Dullsville.
- What'd you have in mind?
- Cop stuff.
Shakedowns, shootouts,
busting scumbags.
All right.
Look, partner.
A code 27. Purse snatch.
Hey, come here!
Hey! Kid!
[Devon] Stop, thief!
- [Honking]
- Hey, watch where you're driving!
I'm commandeering your vehicle.
Hey, get back here!
What are you, nuts?
Whoa!
Whoo!
Dammit!
[Devon]
Police business. Coming through.
Look out!
Sorry.
Aah! Aah...
[Devon]
Stop! I hate to run!
- Make it easy on yourself.
- Martha! Martha!
- Stop, thief!
- Martha! Martha!
- Bye, honey. Have a nice day.
- Thanks, honey.
What are you doing!
You're under arrest
for violating code 27.
Boy, Nick, you don't look too great.
I nabbed the purse snatcher.
My wife forgot her purse. I was trying
to catch her before she got on the bus!
- You're not a purse snatcher?
- No. I'm calling the cops.
I am a police officer.
Great. What are you
gonna do about this?
This? I'm gonna kill this.
Why do you think I spend
hours and hours at the range...
shooting at silhouettes, shooting
the hearts right out of 'em?
Every single day.
I've been doin' that for years.
Why do you think I do that? I do that
because I don't wanna chase anybody.
I don't like to run.
So I want you to give me
the plate number.
Hey, this is more like it.
Partners are supposed to fight.
Partner love/hate relationship.
We don't have
a love/hate relationship!
We have a hate/hate relationship.
I don't know how your grandmother can
stand you. You must drive her bonkers.
How do you know?
You don't even live with us.
Give me the plate number.
Plate number:
N-6-B-7-2-G.
- Hey, Nick.
- Go.
We got a make on
a '65 Lincoln Continental...
registered to
a D. Dimucci, 264 Bowman.
Let's get a warrant
and ransack the place.
Wait a minute, 264 Bowman
is a public library,
and I figure Dimucci's
a phony name also.
[McKenna] A public library. Will
you give me something that I can use?
Bobo.
Bobo who?
Bobo I don't know.
How many Bobos can there be?
You better pray just one.
[As Pee-Wee Herman]
Bombing Butler. Aaah!
- Come on, Jenkins.
- Hey, can you do this one?
- You don't wanna be like him.
- [imitates Elephant Trumpeting]
- What is this, the zoo?
- Oh, it's a party, mac!
- [Phone Ringing]
- It's a party!
I'm listening to you.
Officer Butler here.
Okay, lady, calm down.
Calm down.
What'd the cat look like?
- No, I'm eight.
- [Click, Dial Tone]
Hello? Hello?
Damn civilians.
What do we got?
We got three Bobos.
[Clucking]
Detective Butler here.
Detective McKenna would like
to ask you a few questions.
- Go ahead, Nick.
- [Clucking]
Is your name Bobo?
Oww! Oww!
[Bobo] Ah, perfect.
- Are you Mr. Bobo?
- In blue.
Listen. I don't think
this is the guy.
I didn't know art was so dangerous.
How did you know he wasn't our Bobo?
Well, lesson number two:
You gotta trust your instincts.
When you were in school,
kids ever pick on you?
Yeah.
What'd you do?
Oh, I'd handle it
the best way I could.
Hey, Nick, it's a code 73.
What's today, Bobo?
Today? I don't know.
Feels like a Wednesday.
Tell me!
- Tell me!
- You stay in the car. Don't get out.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
[Indistinct Yelling In Spanish]
Catherina, my mother gave us this.
That's right. And you know what?
She gave us this too!
What the hell's goin' on here?
Ask him, sir, Mr. Bobo.
Ask him what day it is today!
- Is your name Bobo?
- I forgot our anniversary.
You forgot your anniversary?
- It's your anniversary?
- I got a present for you, Bobo.
No, no, no.
Not the cards.
- No, no, no.
- All! All of your old baseball cards.
No, no!
[Speaking Spanish]
- Don't, ma'am.
- Detective Butler here.
- What seems to be the problem?
- Get in the car.
Domestic altercations
require two police officers.
You're not a police officer!
Get in the car!
Can I talk to you for a minute?
Never let civilians see us disagree.
It undermines my authority.
I'm disgusted.
Really disgusted.
[Speaking Spanish]
When you stop being mad at him,
you're gonna be real mad at yourself.
Don't worry. I'll never stop
being mad at him!
Who are you, the Mickey Mouse patrol?
Get your skinny little butt out of there
before she throws you out of there.
Nick, please, give me a second, okay?
You think it's bad he forgot
an anniversary? It's not so bad.
I have these big jumbos who
always throw me in the toilet...
and worse yet,
I have him for a partner.
You two at least have each other,
even though you don't
have any more plates.
Yeah, you may be right.
I may be right.
Bobo, start up the stairs.
She can start down.
You guys can meet halfway.
[Blowing Kisses]
Thank you.
Instinct, right?
- He wasn't the Bobo.
- Right.
You know what?
You were very good back there.
[Whispering] Yeah.
What time you gonna
pick me up tomorrow?
- I'm not.
- Why? You said I did a great job.
You didn't kill me, I didn't kill you.
I guess you did all right,
But the deal was one shift.
- But there's another Bobo.
- Yeah.
He pops up, I'll write you.
I knew you would change
your mind, Nick. I knew it.
Give me your stuff.
You're a good kid.
So what happened?
You shoot anybody?
Nothing happened.
Come on.
Something must've happened.
- Nothing happened.
- All right.
Hey, Ray, they want us to keep
this stuff kind of hush-hush.
You know, police business.
Do you understand? Come on.
I guess.
So what do you want to do?
Let's grab a Ding Dong.
Hey, Ray, stop! Look!
The black Lincoln.
Get over here!
- They know our neighborhood.
- Who does?
They want me, not you.
Here, keep this in the evidence locker.
I'll take care of it.
Now turn around and walk
out of here naturally.
Naturally.
Hey, how you doin', fart head?
Mister big shot with the cops, huh?
Don't you morons have
anything else to do?
- What'd you do that for?
- 'Cause you called me a moron.
So throwing your jacket on
the ground makes you smarter?
This kid's making me nuts.
Hey, guys, I can't kid around anymore.
I'm watching my grandma's car.
Oh, so you're here with grandma?
Mm-hmm.
Oh, so this is grandmommy's car, huh?
Hey, guys, please.
Bust me up, but not the car.
You mean don't do this?
That's exactly what I mean.
Or this?
Ah, too bad.
[Rio] My turn.
This is your
kiss good-bye.
Ho! Hey, what are you doin'?
Get out of here!
I'll break your face!
Wait'll I get my hands on you.
We'll get you,
you stupid, little brats.
Let's get back in the car.
Come on, let's go.
Ah, look at this. These punks got no
respect nowadays. Get in the car.
Hi, Grandma.
[Slams Phone]
It finally caught up with you.
What did?
The new school counselor's
here to see you.
I hope you're happy.
Just answer everything, truthfully.
There you are.
Hi, Devon.
Hi.
You recognize me?
No.
Hmm. I'm Mr. Goodman,
the new counselor from school.
You haven't seen me
around school, huh?
No.
Well, let's sit down.
So you know why I'm here?
Uh, missing school today?
Exactly.
Now your grandmother
tells me you've been
helping the police find
a very dangerous man.
You won't believe
the dirtbags we're af...
Hello? Devon?
You were saying?
I didn't see them.
I didn't see the bad guy's face.
That's good.
I mean, that's bad.
Probably the police are disappointed.
Oh, very disappointed.
And mad too because I wasted their time.
- Well.
- I'm afraid we're out of cream.
Gee. You know what? I'm gonna
take a rain check on this...
because I've got...
ooh, I think I'll take one of these.
I've got a few stops I have to make.
Well,
is everything all right?
Oh, I'm very pleased with Devon.
As a matter of fact,
Devon's a good boy.
You have a good day.
Grandma!
- Hey, hey, mister. Come here.
- Damn.
What? Excuse me, ma'am?
Come here?
I overheard your conversation.
That woman can't control...
Get your arm off me, madam,
or I'll put you in a home.
I cannot do my job with a kid around.
I do not like kids.
- [Rubio] Nick!
- Why does he have to stay at my house?
Why can't he stay with somebody else?
Believe me, you wouldn't even be
my second choice for him to stay with.
The kid is comfortable with you.
Come on, how long can it last?
Give me a break here.
Besides, you have such
a lovely rapport with him.
Let's go.
You are going to listen
to Mr. McKenna, right?
- Detective McKenna?
- Detective McKenna.
Look at me.
Devon, look at me.
Now you won't leave here
without him, right?
Grandma, he's got a gun.
I'm sure he has.
And you won't leave him here and go
around playing cowboys and Indians?
Lady, the next time somebody
breaks into your apartment,
why don't you call the bunkhouse
and ask for a cowboy.
I'm sure they come
a lot faster than you.
I've been bustin' my chops
all my life protectin' people!
- Anybody seen Barnyard Cop?
- What?
He always asks his partner:
What comes after "L"?
- I don't know.
- "Bow." Don't you get it?
- Elbow!
- [Coughs]
You hit me one more time
with your "L" -bow...
and I'm gonna rip it off
and wave it at you.
You keep pullin' that
attitude with my grandson.
I don't have an attitude, lady,
I'm just a police officer.
I do not have an attitude.
Come here.
- Take care of yourself, Devon.
- I will.
- Hey, Nick?
- Mm-hmm?
Is a hundred grand the same
as a hundred thousand?
Yeah, why?
The guy in the warehouse said it.
"A hundred grand."
I heard it was more like
a hundred million.
[Urinating]
- Wait. Swords.
- Hmm?
- What swords?
- Come on, it's fun.
My friend Raymond
can piss eight feet.
Well, Raymond's my new hero.
Just watch what you're doin'.
- Come on, this'll be fu...
- [Urinating On Nick's Pant Leg]
Sorry.
Good night, kid.
- Hey, Nick?
- Yeah?
Aren't you gonna read me a story?
You want to be a police officer,
you gotta get your batteries recharged.
Besides, you're eight years old.
I'm not gonna read to you.
Don't you know anything
about kids? It relaxes us.
Once upon a time...
"Randy Milligan was released from the
Kansas City Hospital
Thursday afternoon...
and planned to join
his Baltimore teammates...
for a trip to New York
on Thursday night.
Milligan was knocked
unconscious after...
he ran into second baseman
Give me a break.
It's a story.
"Milligan was knocked
unconscious after...
he ran into second baseman
Billy Ripken...
while chasing a ground ball
on Wednesday night.
Milligan sustained
a minor concussion...
and left the field in an ambulance.
Tests Thursday revealed
no major damage besides a concussion.
Milligan suffered a...
a, uh...
bruised cheekbone and..."
Actually, the doctors
don't have much hope for him...
and they're gonna
cut off his testicles.
[Devon Coughing]
Oh, boss, these are beautiful.
[Humming]
What'd you find out, Chu?
Sir, the kid's with McKenna.
Ohhh!
- Why?
- 'Cause I'm boiling.
Are you gentlemen capable
of doing anything right?
Absolutely.
With McKenna, huh?
Erase him like a bad grade.
You got it, boss.
[Door Opens]
[Door Closes]
[Clattering]
I just wanted a glass of milk.
Incoming.
So you're dumping the kid?
I gave him to McPhail. McPhail
already has some kids, all right?
- I'm not used to this kind of stuff.
- What kind of stuff?
Look, I'm not a bodyguard,
I'm not a baby-sitter.
I have a routine. I
have a routine to do.
Uhhuh.
Well, I guess the kid
has gotten to you, huh?
Give the kid to McPhail!
He likes corn flakes in the morning.
[Sighs]
38 in a 35 zone. What do you
think, Devon? Do we let him slide?
- I don't care.
- You gotta help me out here, Devon.
I was gonna let the guy slide,
only you gotta be with me on this.
We're partners here.
And don't tell Rubio.
- Okay, let him slide.
- Hey. Good decision.
- You'll make a good cop.
- Nick doesn't think so.
Hey, let me tell you
something about Nick.
Eight years ago, there was a drug bust
and his partner was killed.
Nobody's fault,
but Nick blamed himself.
You understand what
I'm trying to tell you?
After that, he wouldn't
let anyone close.
He wouldn't be friends
with anything that breathed.
But it wasn't his fault.
I know that.
Try convincing Nick.
If he'd listen, I'd try.
I know, I know.
Come on, you're on duty.
There's one we gotta nab.
38 in a 35 zone.
Could let him slide.
Please, we gotta nab this one.
Please!
- Book 'em, Dan-o.
- Yes!
Hey, hey, hey, you'll need this.
- Thanks.
- Wait a minute.
You, pull over.
Yes, officer?
License and registration,
please, Mr. Flemming.
What's goin' on here?
What are you...
I'm your worst nightmare.
An eight-year-old with a badge.
I'm in a hurry, Butler...
and I got a nightmare for you in
my office. You know where that is.
Don't sass me,
Mr. Flemming.
[Speaker] Officer Butler has
full jurisdiction here.
Step out of your car, please, sir.
- [Flemming] Is this for real?
- Out.
Hands on the hood and spread 'em.
- Any concealed weapons?
- No.
- I can explain. L...
- Herman,
if I don't do this,
you will never learn...
and I would be doing you
a great injustice.
- Flemming, right?
- Yes.
- Yes, what?
- Yes, sir.
Thanks.
Due by Tuesday.
[Tires Screeching]
- You see him?
- Yeah.
Our little problem
is about to go away.
Devon!
Yaah!
- Uhhh!
- Oww!
Hold it!
- You okay?
- Yeah.
- That was just like Miami Vice.
- Ohh.
L... l... l...
I, I, I!
Go after that Lincoln!
Let's go.
I'm too old... for this.
[Siren Wailing]
Aah!
You sure you're all right?
Yeah, except I couldn't see nothin'.
Your arm was in the way.
Sorry.
I found another Bobo.
Could I have my badge back?
Oh. Yeah.
Thank you.
Let's go kick some ass.
[Devon] Do you need a tattoo
to get in this place?
All right.
Take off that
dad-gum T-shirt.
I don't want you comin' inside.
You go in there, you hang around
in that bar, you get hurt.
- I can handle it.
- Yeah.
I thought this was a leather bar!
Leave me alone!
Hey, don't!
Put that back down!
- [Indistinct Shouting]
- Come on.
Hang around in the parking lot
and you'll get hurt.
Ooh, Francine gonna let it unwind
You can look that way in a few years.
If that's not a 48-year-old
midget, both of you are...
Here's his I.D. Card.
- You're a cop.
- I'm a cop?
- You're a cop.
- I'm a cop?
[Laughing]
And he's my assistant!
[Laughing]
- Lookin' for a guy named Bobo.
- You lookin' for Bobo?
That's him at the end of the bar.
- The guy with his shirt off.
- Yeah.
Dear God.
Francine Francine
- You Mr. Bobo?
- Ask your mother.
[Devon] Hey, pal!
- You talkin' to me?
- I didn't catch your name.
I didn't throw it.
Steve. Good name.
Gimme a milk, Steve.
In a dirty glass.
- [Laughing]
- Let's get Mr. Bobo out here!
- [Laughing]
- Let's get Mr. Bobo out here!
I'm lookin' for a Mr. Bobo
because I have, uh...
some money I, uh...
I wanna give him.
Tell me about Bobo.
I heard he was a
world-famous hairdresser.
Maybe this will
refreshen your memory.
Thank you.
Apparently Mr. Bobo
doesn't want this money.
Mr. Bobo!
You know, you can't have the money...
- 'til you tell me your name is Bobo.
- I'm Bobo.
- Good, 'cause I wanna talk to ya.
- Why?
[Devon] If I were you, I'd play dead.
Thanks. Ooh.
Well, I'm fine.
- Aah!
- [Laughing]
Ohh.
Don't hit her.
She's a woman.
Aah!
- Didn't hit her.
- Aah!
[Indistinct Shouting]
[Laughing] All right, kill 'im!
Aah!
- You're mine!
- I don't think so!
- Uhh!
- Yes!
Get over here!
Aaaaah! Aaah!
Aaaaaah! Aaaah!
- Oww!
- [Grunting, Shouting]
[Siren Wailing]
[Devon On P.A.]
This is the S.W.A.T. Team commander!
We have you surrounded!
Throw down your weapons!
- The police are here!
- [Motorcycle Engines Starting]
[Devon]
Was that a good place to hit a guy?
A guy that big, that's
the only place you hit him!
What'd you call for help for?
I was doin' fine!
It didn't look like it to me.
- He's headin' for the bridge!
- I can see that!
- You're losing him!
- Shut up!
- Oh, say, can you see by...
- What are you doing?
When I'm scared, I sing.
Do you mind?
[Warning Bell Rings]
Oh, say, can you see by
the dawn's early light
- What so prou...
- Eee!
I coulda made it!
Maybe.
Now you can call for backup.
- I don't think I can do that.
- Why?
'Cause I think I'm sick.
[Dispatcher On Radio]
What's your 10-20, McKenna?
We're perpendicular.
Hey, kid!
Please don't leave me
My life would be still
Doo-ooh-ooh
Wah-ooh
Devon!
You guys seen
a little kid around here?
Doo-ooh-ooh
Wah
- Hey, Nick!
- Doo
Ooh-ooh
- Where the hell have you been?
- I wanted to surprise you.
Glazed or chocolate?
People are trying to kill you!
Are you some kind
of bonehead or what?
I'm not, and you don't have to yell!
I can't handle this anymore!
I cannot handle it anymore.
Pick a city!
Cincinnati! Cleveland!
Take you and your grandmother!
- You go there, I'll pay for it!
- You call this being a father?
I'm not your father.
- I'm not your partner either!
- Fine!
I don't want you to be my father!
I don't want you to be my partner!
I don't want you to be anything!
- I'm gonna handle things myself!
- Ah, Devon.
Devon!
Come back over here!
Will you come...
Devon!
I'm on official police business.
- Just come with us.
- Quietly.
- Aah!
- Back off! I'm only gonna count to one.
- Shut up, man. Just shut up!
- Oh, don't you wish!
Hey, let me go!
Another shrimp bites the dust!
[Laughing]
- [School Bell Rings]
- First we're gonna break your arms!
Then we're gonna break your
ugly little face. [Laughing]
[indistinct Yelling]
- Sit down, you little crud!
- Hey, there's a fight over there!
There's a fight over there!
- It's wedgie time!
- Put me down!
- Watch and learn, kiddies!
- [Laughing]
- Let me down!
- Hey, how does that sand taste, huh?
- [Laughing] I love it!
- Put me down, you jerk!
- Time to kick your ass.
- I don't think so!
- Ohh!
- [Cheering]
- Ohh!
- You're dead, you little puke!
- Uhh!
- Get off me!
[Cheering]
- Get off me, man!
- Come on! Get him!
- Got you! [Laughing]
- Ahh!
- You're dead!
- You little puke!
- Aah!
- [Grunting] Aah!
[Cheering]
- Let us go...
- Or you're dead, you little creep!
If you can't do the time,
don't do the crime.
I'm Detective Butler,
and you two zit farms
are under arrest.
- Devon, come on.
- Yeah, come on, man.
Be quiet.
Hey, Deputy Sanchez,
does this happen to be yours?
Thanks.
That is so cool.
Remember, Katy,
the law is on your side.
[Devon] Oh no!
Get up here.
Listen up.
I need a diversion.
- We could do that.
- Yeah!
- Shane, go close the gate.
- Yes, sir.
The rest of you split.
- Come on, talk to Devon. Oooh!
- Gotcha!
Mom!
These are the punks
that smashed the car.
[Together] Oh no!
- Good morning, boys. How do you feel?
- Ohh...
Aaah! Ohh!
- Devon!
- Over here!
Waldo! Over there!
- Gotcha!
- Hee hee!
Hey, mister!
I like your suit!
Aaah!
Come on, sucka!
I'm right here!
- Are you ready?
- Yeah!
Come on!
Aah!
[Children Laughing]
- You okay?
- [Laughing Continues]
All right, everybody!
Sit down!
Where is Devon Butler?
- I'm Devon Butler.
- I'm Devon Butler.
- [Together] I'm Devon Butler!
- I'm Devon Butler!
- I'm Devon Butler.
- [All] I'm Devon Butler!
[Cheering]
- Fire!
- Fire!
[Cheering]
Let's not tell anybody
about this, all right?
- Not again!
- I'm not done with you yet!
- Aah!
- Come on.
Have you got any idea where he
might be? Any place at all?
- He doesn't have many friends.
- I know.
- He's just a baby.
- I'm gonna find him.
I promise.
I promise, Rachel.
Officer, are you
from social services?
Yes. I was just giving Mrs. Butler
the "grandmother of the year" award.
By the way, we're
keeping an eye on you.
[Radio] Memories to my surprise
- Thith suckth.
- Well, you'd better learn to love it.
[Switches Radio Off]
[Walkie-Talkie] Devon, did
you make it? Are you in the car?
This is not a good place to call me.
What the hell was that?
Great. Will you
turn off your radio?
You have the right to remain silent!
Anything you say...
- Shut up, kid!
- What's happening, Dev? Talk to me!
Imagine this little punk!
- You owe me $9.95!
- Damn! Get over here, you little...
- Sit down!
- Don't move!
What are you looking at?
Whatsamatta wit' you?
Mmm. Nice to see you
again, Devon.
You remember me? We had that nice
little talk together?
- Pity you didn't listen.
- You're in trouble now.
- Uh-oh.
- [Laughing]
You like music, Devon?
Are you talkin' about that fifties
crap they were dissin' in the car?
I heard you sing.
A cat chokin' on a hair ball
sounds better than you.
How would you know, hmm?
Do you have any idea as to who I was?
Lock him in the other office.
Okay, boss.
Hey, put me down, piggy!
Do not move.
You understand?
[Snaps Fingers] Let's go.
Help!
All right, now calm down.
What would Nick do?
- [Dial Tone]
- 9-1-1.
[Dialing]
Hello. Could you get me Nick McKenna?
Tell him it's Devon.
Captain, it's Butler!
Honey, where are you?
- Who's on the phone?
- The kid's on the phone.
Oh.
The kid? The door!
Let me up!
- Tell him 100 grand is not money!
- What does that mean, Devon?
Did I tell you not to touch
anything? Take him, Rudy.
Get Nick!
[Detective]
Nick, we heard from Devon.
He said tell Nick that
100 grand isn't money.
- What the hell does that mean?
- We don't know.
10-4.
Put me down,
you oink-oink!
- Oww!
- Rudy, what are you doin'? Over here!
The drug lab is over here.
I knew it was drugs.
I'm sur... I'm sure that I said
to keep him in the office.
- He was a bad boy, boss.
- He called me "piggy."
I like that. Stick him in
the corner 'til we finish.
Stick him in the corner!
Ohh!
This is a good consistency.
Let's leave it at this.
[Tires Screeching]
[Motorcycle Approaching]
Hello, Bobo.
Hey, we got the drugs
outta all of the horns.
Good.
Uh-oh. Well, Devon, it looks like
it's time to say good-bye.
- Take him to the boat.
- You got it, boss.
- You're gonna ki...
- Shut up.
See ya, Devon.
Give my regards to Elvis.
I bet you're peein' in your pants
by now, ain't ya, kid?
No wonder dinosaurs are extinct.
Big heads, small brains.
I'm tired of you calling me names!
I'm gonna do him right now!
- Get outta the way, Chu!
- Take it easy, Rudy.
Hey, kid, you wanna
say a prayer, go ahead.
Hey, Bobo, you're late!
- Everybody's waitin' on ya, Bo.
- Hey, kid!
What comes after "L"?
- A, B, C, D, E, F, G
- Bow!
Oww!
Aah! Aah!
Where's the gun?
It's under here! I
can't reach it, Nick!
Damn!
Aah!
Come on!
Seal off the warehouse!
There's no way out now, McKenna!
Aah! Whoa!
- You see anybody?
- No. Nobody.
Go out. Seal it.
Stay put.
Hey, Nick!
- Are you mad at me?
- Nah.
Oof!
[Engine Starts]
- Yaah!
- Aah!
Aah!
You hit him!
Get the car! Get the car!
Come on, get up!
Get up! Get the boat!
McKenna, you're mine!
Aah! Jump!
- Now?
- Now!
Aah!
- Nick, you've been shot!
- Yeah.
There's Bobo!
- What are you looking at, weenie?
- Huh?
- He's got my car door!
- Ohh! Ohh!
Aah!
- Come on!
- [Tires Screeching]
Go faster, Nick!
Faster!
Move out of the way!
What are you doin'?
Get outta the way!
- What is your name? What is your name?
- Hey. I'm workin' here.
All right.
[Tires Screeching]
Aah! We're out of gas!
Go! Go! Go!
- It's awfully quiet. Maybe we got 'em.
- Maybe not.
- Start diggin' under the bags.
- Yeah. Where are ya?
Where are ya?
Where are ya?
Nice and easy, will ya?
Nice and easy!
They're not here!
Aah.
- Aah!
- Can you hot-wire this thing?
- We got keys!
- Better idea!
- Aah!
- Nick, you can't use your arm!
- I gotta do it!
- [Engine Starting]
They're in the boat!
There's McKenna on the boat!
Follow him!
Let's go, Rudy!
Follow me! Follow me,
you stupid! Follow me!
- [Crashing, Crunching]
- Ohh!
Why? All I wanna do is sing!
Come on!
Follow the boss!
There he is, up there!
See him?
[Boat Horn Blowing]
- Nick! Tugboat!
- [Boat Horn Blowing]
- Ohh, Nick!
- Keep it steady!
[Horn Blowing]
Turn it about!
Turn it about!
- No! No!
- Aah!
- Aah!
- No! Oh no!
Oh! Oh! Oh!
Ohhhh!
Aaaah!
Oh! Oh! Oh!
Oh! Oh! Ohh!
Get back here, Chu!
Aah!
- [Horn Blowing]
- Turn it!
Turn!
Aah ha!
Aaah!
Oh, no!
It's a dead end, Nick!
All right, you gotta drive this boat
Right up those pipes.
- I can't do that, Nick.
- Yes, you can!
That's it!
We got 'em now!
- I'm scared.
- I'm scared too, Devon,
but you're my partner!
- Let's hit it!
- [Engine Revving]
[Together] Oh, say, can you see
By the dawn's early light
What so proudly we hail
- They're gonna jump the pipe!
- Nah. They're nuts.
Twilight's last gleaming
and the rocket's red glare
Bombs bursting in air
Aah! Ohh!
- Aah!
- Yes! We did it, Nick!
Unhh! Oww!
- Uhh!
- Follow him!
- Goin'! Goin'!
- Yeah!
[Fountain] Oh, yeah!
Come on, baby!
We're doin' it! Let's go!
All right! A little to the right!
A little to the right!
- Who-o-o-a!
- Aah!
Hey!
Get me outta here now!
- Get me outta here!
- I'm a little indisposed at the moment.
I can't even get
myself outta here, boss.
Get me the hell outta here.
This is ridiculous!
Hey! Turn it off!
McKenna, I'm gonna kill you!
- [Laughing]
- Big joke, huh, McKenna?
I'm gonna stick you
in here. Keep laughin'.
Waldo, there's fish here.
Hey, boss... shut up.
[Belching]
[Sirens Wailing]
[Groaning]
- Hey, Nick.
- Uh-huh.
I wanna put my police business
on hold for a while...
and be a kid again.
You know something, Devon?
- Me, too.
- Great.
[Laughing]
Ohh.
Hey, partner, how you doin'?
Can we go a little faster?
I'm used to speed.
Hey! I was shot
three months ago.
You want speed, give me some help.
Ready?
[Rachel] This is the life.
Why is my baby blue
Can't see the colors
of a sunny day
And stuck in that point of view
What can I do
to take your tears away
Oh, I'm not denying
I hear the tempo crying
Just tell me why
you look so sad tonight
I know it's crazy
Livin' in the world
these days but
If you take me by the hand, whoo
There's nothin' my love
can't fix for you, baby
I'm positive of this I tell you
There's nothin' my love
can't fix for you, baby
Ahh, girl
please let me help you out
I'll pick you up so high
You'll start forgetting
you were ever down
Guess who will dry your eyes
This is the way
to turn your world around
We all get lonely
But if you just hold me
We both can go
beyond the stars tonight
Oh, once you have it
Love works like magic
Just open open up your heart
There's nothin' my love
can't fix for you, baby
I'm positive of this I tell you
There's nothin' my love
can't fix for you, baby
Baby
A-hoa-hoa-hoa-hoa
Love is the glue that binds us
When we get lost
it finds us, yeah
You'll lose your blues soon
There's nothin' my love
can't fix for you, baby
I'm positive of this I tell you
There's nothin' my love
can't fix for you, baby
Baby
A-hoa-hoa-hoa-hoa
Love is the glue that binds us
When we get lost
it finds us, yeah
You'll lose your blues soon
'Cause baby, my love is true
break it
One, two, three, ha!
Oh, once you have it
Love works like magic
Just open up your heart Oww
There's nothin' my love
can't fix for you, baby
I'm positive of this I tell you
There's nothin' my love
can't fix for you, baby
Baby
Ohh-ohh-ohh-ohh
There's nothin' my love
can't fix for you, baby
I'm positive of this I tell you
There's nothin' my love
can't fix for you, baby
Oh, you know it's true
All I gotta say is baby, baby
I'll love you in every way
'cause, lady
You gotta get away with me
You gotta get away with me today
'Cause our love
has got to shoot through
And honey you got to see it too
That we were meant
girl, me and you
But lately you been actin'
like I smell like a zoo
Philly zoo to be exact
And, hey, Philly's my origin
as a matter of fact
But let's get back
to the subject at hand
Baby, baby, baby
Oh, you is back in demand
When I look at you, girl
My heart goes right into a whirl
And all I got to say
about the situation
- Ohh-ohh-ohh yeah
- Whoa-oh-oh
There's nothin'
my love can't fix
The end...
Go, go, go, Katy!
Go, Katy! Go, Katy!
Go, go, go, Katy!
Go, Katy!
Go, go, go, Katy!
Dang, Marie, this is police business.
I could've wasted you.
It's just a water gun, you jerk.
This is Mad Dog.
I can't wait for backup.
I'm going in alone.
You're dead meat, Mad Dog.
You feel lucky
about yourself, Sanchez?
Do you, punk?
- [Sanchez] Eat slime, cop.
- You're mine.
Sanchez, come out
with your hands in the air.
- What are you doing?
- Oh, no, I thought you were on fire.
We're not finished,
Mr. Butler.
You're lucky I got a class.
Damn civilians.
- [Sighs]
- [Door Creaking]
Okay, we'll do it the hard way.
Freeze, dirt bag!
- Get out of here.
- I'm history.
Nice of you
to drop in, Butt-ler.
Well, I'm dropping out.
If you hurt me,
my dad will rip your head off.
Blood and guts and slime
will be coming out your ears.
That don't scare Rio.
My dad's doin' hard time.
You must be very proud.
- I am.
- Whoa.
A dollar a day. That's a bargain
to come to this school.
- Ain't it?
- You smell like vomit.
Butler thinks he's a real cop.
Put me down! Crawl back
in the hole you came from!
Two bucks.
Thanks for the money, dweeb.
- Give it back to me, you pus heads.
- Pus heads? - Pus heads?
- That calls for payback.
- Put me down!
Put me down!
Guys, please.
- You little twerp!
- Please.
- I meant it in the nicest way.
- Too bad! - Too bad!
- [Toilet Flushing]
- Ohh! Swirly.
Looks like you had a little accident.
- Hope you have fun.
- Enjoy your recess, nerd!
- Let me in! Let me in!
- I love this school.
I've been looking for you, mister.
You been swimmin', Butler?
No, he's been dunkin' for turds.
[Children Laughing]
[Teacher] That's enough!
Let's you and I take a walk.
- Give my regards to Mr. Flemming.
- [Children] Yeah!
Now tell me, what have
you learned today? Sit up straight.
That I can hold my breath a lot longer
than I thought I could.
Do I sense, uh...
a little insolence?
No.
Devon.
Devon, Devon, Devon.
Lies are not explanations.
I'm not lying.
Every day these big jumbos...
come and take my money,
they put me in the toilet...
and hold me upside down.
Always blaming it on someone else.
You leave me no choice, Devon.
I have to call your grandmother.
Mister Flemming, please.
You don't have to call her.
She can't take personal calls.
It makes her sick.
And she's on a very hard shift now.
Sit down, Devon.
Devon, if I don't make this call,
you will never learn...
and I would have done you
a great injustice.
- 2-8-3, isn't it?
- Yeah.
- What?
- Yes, Mr. Flemming.
Thank you.
Ah, don't worry about Flemming.
He's just a dork.
Yeah? Well, why doesn't
my grandmother know that?
- [Sirens Wailing]
- Stop, listen.
- Fire truck?
- No, that's a cop.
It's code three.
Let's roll.
[Truck Honking]
[Speaker] I'm not getting
out of this car. I hate to run!
[Driver] I told you I'm not
getting out of this car!
What are you, a nut?
Oh! Oh-oh-oh-oh!
[Driver] I warned you.
- Do all cops do that?
- Only the best.
[Driver] Quintero, who do you think
is gonna run out of gas first?
[Waldo] Chu, get in!
- [Devon] Here, hold these.
- Got 'em.
- Did you get the license?
- You bet.
[Driver]
Quintero, don't jump over that fence.
I hate to run.
Look, we gotta go see that.
Son of a...
Son of a...
I hate to jump.
I really hate to jump.
Come on, Sanchez, keep up.
We're gonna win
first prize this year.
Oh, my goodness!
Who do you think you are,
the Lone Ranger? Get out of my yard!
[Driver] End of the line!
Hey, get your filthy butt off my car.
I just had it waxed.
All right, we're gonna
do it the hard way.
Aaah!
All right, stop whining.
You drop something, Quintero?
Looks like drugs.
That ain't mine.
You know who I am?
You used to be Nick McKenna
before you lost a step.
Oww!
Oh, I'm sorry.
I broke the nose.
And I gotta fix it.
I'm s... Let me fix this.
I think I can fix it.
- Ooh.
- Aaah!
Gentle.
I should've been a doctor.
It's all right.
Sorry about the disturbance.
All right, put your hands out.
You know the drill.
Now I'm gonna tie you to the car,
'cause I don't want you
gettin' in my car, all right?
Yeah.
You know why?
Because you stink like garbage.
Okay, you ready?
And we'll just take
this little evidence along.
[Engine Starting]
You overweight rat.
You're a sore loser.
Hey, McKenna, come on, man.
Listen, this is not civilized.
He's makin' that fool run
all the way back to the station.
Damn you, McKenna. You're not gonna
do this. Not the freeway!
Let's get out of here.
- Good-bye.
- See you later.
You're late.
Freeze!
Devon?
Grandma, you won't believe
what me and Ray saw.
"What Ray and I saw."
The school called again, Devon.
What'd the school say?
Devon, you gotta stop
playin' stupid cop games.
- They're not stupid.
- And just start taking responsibility.
But if I were a policeman,
I probably could take care of you...
and get my own apartment someday.
I'll take care of myself.
You just learn to take care of yourself.
Honey, did you see my keys?
- You're going to work?
- Yes, yes, I'm going to work.
The keys are in the ashtray,
next to my handcuffs.
The hospital's shorthanded.
I gotta sub again.
But tonight's the night
we watch Miami Vice together.
Don't you think I wish I could just
sit back and watch TV with you?
But you're a nurse.
You could make up some great disease.
Oh, you know I can't do that.
[Car Honking]
There's my ride.
In bed by 9:00.
- But Grandma, wait!
- And not a minute later!
- Do you hear me, Devon?
- I can't do that. 10:30.
Forget it.
9:45. I'm in the fourth grade.
9:30. And you're
in the third grade.
Deal. You have
your police whistle?
Yes, Devon, I have it.
Now, Mrs. Norris across the hall
is gonna to look in on you.
Make sure you leave your
homework out so I can check it.
Okay.
Leaving him alone again, I see.
Stickin' your sweet face into
everybody's business again, I see.
Bye.
Your grandmother should be
reported to social services.
Oh, really?
And you should be reported
to the Orkin Man.
[Speaking Spanish]
You're under arrest.
My client's ready to make a deal.
What're you offering?
First degree reduced to second...
with a guarantee of
no more than ten years.
Make it five.
Seven, but I'll want him
to testify against Medford.
That's bonus information.
Ever hear of "quid pro quo"?
Quid pro quo.
One hand washes the other? Why
don't you get me some soap?
[Indistinct Chatter]
Hey, Ray, wanna go for a ride?
Sorry, I have to eat dinner
with my parents.
Call you later.
Okay.
[Devon] That black car again!
[Barge Horn Blowing]
Hey, Quintero, McKenna gave you
the third degree, huh?
He tried to ask me about Bobo and the
drugs being delivered to Mr. Fountain.
I told him Zippo.
You did good.
Good enough to even
meet the boss, you stiff.
He's gonna thank you personally,
I want you to know that.
What do you think?
Sit, sit, sit.
[Quintero]
I'm just bein' a stand-up guy.
[Fountain] Well, hey
I'm the type of guy
that likes to roam around
I'm never in one place, hey
I roam from town to town
I love 'em and I leave 'em
'Cause you know that I'm the best
I hop into my car
and I drive around the world
- They call me the wanderer
- The wanderer
- Yeah, the wanderer
- Whoa, whoa, whoa
I roam around and 'round
and 'round and 'round
Around and 'round
and 'round and 'round
Hey, boss, you kill me.
You are my idol,
Mr. Fountain, my idol.
I'm so happy to meet you. I love
your singing. Do you have an album out?
You wouldn't be just saying that
to butter me up, would you?
Because I detest hypocrisy.
No way.
Ooh, Chu, there's a fish in here.
Get rid of it.
- [Chu] You got it, boss.
- Hey, what're you doin'?
- Hey, turn loose of me.
- You know,
in a fit of nostalgia,
I was gonna shoot
you myself, but I hate
being so hands-on,
but I hate stoolies even more.
Stoolie! I'm no stoolie.
I never said a word to McKenna.
Are you kidding me?
You really think that I don't know
why they let you go so fast?
[Quintero] You got it all wrong.
[Muffled] Hey!
What a waste of a good chicken leg.
Heh, heh, heh. Relax.
You're gonna get indigestion.
You're gonna love this. It's gonna
take you all the way back to 1961.
Splish splash I was takin' a bath
All about a Saturday night
- Bum, bum, bum
- Bum, bum, bum
Rub-a-dub
I jumped back in the tub
Bobo delivers the euphoria 10:30
Thursday morning. That's 100 grand.
Your cop friends get that,
Quintero, huh?
Was it loud enough for you, huh?
- [Muffled Yelling]
- [Fountain] What, you can't swim?
Hey, Quintero, I hope
you got your flippers on.
I hope your suit
is drip-dry.
[Splash]
[Clank]
Relax. Probably the pigeons.
I'll take care of it.
- Oh, no.
- I'm comin', boss.
We'll take care of this,
Mr. Fountain.
You really think that's gonna work?
No, boss. I'm stupid.
Just once I would like to conduct
business in a hygienic environment.
- Yes, boss.
- Yes, boss.
[Reporter] Come on, McKenna,
you've gotta give me something.
I haven't got anything. I just
got here, for cryin' out loud.
- Give me a break, will ya?
- Hey, found him for you.
- Quintero?
- So much for the "scum floats" theory.
He was my only lead.
Hey, relax.
Got a witness.
- You got a witness?
- Yes, sir.
- Where is he?
- Well, he's right over here.
Where?
- Nick.
- Yeah?
Over here. He's been askin'
for you all night.
- Hi.
- Hi.
I'm Devon Butler.
You can just call me Devon.
Ready for fingerprinting?
Let me talk to you a minute.
Have you got any idea
what a sharp lawyer...
will do with a little kid
on the witness stand?
He will rip
this little guy to shreds.
He won't know the killer
from Captain Kangaroo.
- What are you trying to do to me?
- Nick, he's all we got.
What's up?
Little boy, if you saw the bad man
again, would you recognize him?
Don't you think a formal
interrogation downtown is in order?
And Captain Kangaroo hasn't
been on the air for nine years.
God hates me. Get his parents,
get him downtown.
[Nick] Who are you?
I'm Devon Butler. I just told
you back there. Short memory.
Ha, ha.
Look at that fat jumbo.
Do you recognize anybody in the book?
You have any pictures
of these guys from the back?
I don't think I like
that question. Why?
That's the way I saw 'em.
Let me explain something
to you, all right?
See, my strong suit is not patience.
So what I want you
to do is look at the
book there and find
someone you recognize.
Otherwise I'm going to
rip your little head off.
Nick.
I got a plate number.
Son, why didn't you
tell us that before?
Anybody ever heard of quid pro quo?
One hand washes the other.
One hand washes the other.
That's bonus information.
Would you like a Popsicle?
No, I don't want no Popsicle.
I want to see your superior.
Hello, Devon.
My name is Captain Rubio.
I understand from Detective McKenna
that you wanted to see me.
You need me to testify
and identify, right?
Yes, Devon,
that would be very helpful.
Ma'am, I'd like to cut a deal.
[Rubio] He wants to be a cop.
What?
Shield, assignments,
squad car, the works.
And he's not gonna help us
unless he gets it.
Bring the criminal back
when you arrest him.
Don't go...
Don't go let him eat.
Just bring him to jail.
Bring him to jail!
Oh. Give me five minutes
with him alone.
Hey, uh...
So, anybody want a sip?
Guess not.
[Devon Humming]
Devon, sweetie,
why don't you just go ahead
and give us that plate number...
and then we can all go home.
Okay, make me a cop.
Why do you want to be a cop?
Look at this guy.
Raggedy-ass clothes,
20-year-old car,
bad back, bad marriage, bad attitude.
Son, does that sound like
any kind of life for anybody?
But if you were a cop,
people don't sass you.
Give us the plate number!
Nick!
I'll give you a little taste
of what I got.
A taste? Where does
he get this stuff?
Prime time.
There's a shipment
of euphoria coming in.
Tell us something we don't know.
Thursday, 10:30.
Mm-hmm. Where?
Don't know, but I got a name.
Why is everyone gatherin' around me?
What's the name?
- I really want to give you his name.
- Mm-hmm.
You put me on duty, it's yours.
Hey, McPhail, I'm from outer space.
Listen, you've had
ride-alongs before.
No, I don't.
Yes, you have, so I want you
to take him for eight hours.
- Other guys have ride-alongs.
- Put a sock in it, Nick!
I want you to drive him around
for eight hours,
let him hit the siren
a couple of times, humor him.
What is the problem with this?
- I don't get along with kids.
- I don't care.
- I don't like them, they don't like me.
- Nobody cares.
You can't have any fun with a kid.
You take a kid to a bar, he has
one drink, he falls off his stool.
What?
You gave me such a
wonderful present today.
You gave me two destroyed lawns,
a Weber grill, a chaise lounge...
- I gave you a perp.
- Reckless endangerment. You owe me.
I don't owe you nothin'!
I don't owe you nothin'!
You owe me this thing, Nick!
Nick, when you get home, you want to
check and see how the blues fit?
- Are they a little snug under the belt?
- [Slams Table]
- Hello, I'm detective...
- Baby!
Oh, baby.
I told them not to call.
Oh, you had me scared to death!
Mrs. Baldwin, hi.
I'm Captain Rubio.
Yes, yes.
As I explained, young Devon here
witnessed a murder earlier this evening.
- Fortunately, he wasn't harmed.
- They're gonna let me be a cop.
What Devon means is: We're just
gonna have one of our men...
ride him around for a few hours,
sort of as a reward.
It's quid pro quo
for helping them out.
My grandson has seen all I
want him to see of police work.
No, no, no.
This is going to be
nothing dangerous.
He's going to be riding with
our department's most decorated man.
Devon, you ride around
with me for eight hours.
If you so much as think
about getting in my way,
I'm gonna tie your little ass to the
axle and drag you all over the city.
- Okay? Hmm?
- [Rubio] Nick.
I'd like you to meet
Devon's grandmother.
How do you do?
No, no, please don't bother
with introductions. We're leaving.
You talk to my grandson again like
that and you'll be wearing that axle.
Grandma, I'll be serving our community,
taking responsibility.
Now where'd you get that?
- From you.
- Well...
- Thank you!
- Now, I didn't say yes.
But you said "well," and you always
say "well" before you say "yes."
Well, look, we need
to discuss this some more.
That's, uh, sharp, Nick.
[Fountain]
Remember when I first met you
Wish me luck.
The heavens in my heart
- Leaped into your eye...
- [Knocking]
You're amazing.
You really think so, huh?
This better be good.
[Chu] Well, sir, they got a witness.
And what did this witness witness?
It's just some kid,
but we know where he lives.
How much could a little kid see?
I was a little kid once myself
and I saw everything.
Thank you.
Chu, find out everything
you can about this kid.
[Devon] Nice pair of boots, Nick.
I have to get me a pair of those.
So what kind of hardware
do you carry?
I carry a bazooka in the trunk.
Everyone, could I please
get your attention?
You be careful out there.
Don't talk to anybody, especially me.
Hey, kid, you take care of McKenna.
He's fading fast.
I'm an eight-year-old,
not a miracle worker.
Get in the car.
My shield, my badge.
All right, here you are.
Now get in the car.
I always wanted one of these.
Get in the car!
Yes?
My cuffs.
A cop's gotta have cuffs.
He's right, McKenna. Cuffs are what
make this job worth doing.
Thank you.
Everybody, get in the car!
- Javohl.
- Aye, aye.
Let's get down to business.
We're gonna have fun.
Right.
- Buckle up.
- Wait a minute, I can't see.
Raise your butt up.
All right.
[Speaker] Calling all cars,
all cars. This is Detective Butler.
- What are you doing?
- You give me no joy.
[Devon]
What do you got under the hood?
[McKenna] I got an engine
and in a minute, you.
Hey, when do we stop
for donuts and coffee?
Haven't you heard
about secondary smoke?
[Coughing]
Haven't you heard about
minding your own business?
At this very moment,
the pink, delicate tissues...
of my still-forming lungs
may be shriveling...
into green chunks of mucus...
struggling for their last gasp
of poison, brown air.
- Happy?
- Now you're littering.
What are we here for?
Stakeout.
It's your shift.
Do I look like
a five-year-old to you?
I can't tell.
The light's not too good in here.
Deal's off.
This is Dullsville.
Well, lesson number one:
Police work is Dullsville.
- What'd you have in mind?
- Cop stuff.
Shakedowns, shootouts,
busting scumbags.
All right.
Look, partner.
A code 27. Purse snatch.
Hey, come here!
Hey! Kid!
[Devon] Stop, thief!
- [Honking]
- Hey, watch where you're driving!
I'm commandeering your vehicle.
Hey, get back here!
What are you, nuts?
Whoa!
Whoo!
Dammit!
[Devon]
Police business. Coming through.
Look out!
Sorry.
Aah! Aah...
[Devon]
Stop! I hate to run!
- Make it easy on yourself.
- Martha! Martha!
- Stop, thief!
- Martha! Martha!
- Bye, honey. Have a nice day.
- Thanks, honey.
What are you doing!
You're under arrest
for violating code 27.
Boy, Nick, you don't look too great.
I nabbed the purse snatcher.
My wife forgot her purse. I was trying
to catch her before she got on the bus!
- You're not a purse snatcher?
- No. I'm calling the cops.
I am a police officer.
Great. What are you
gonna do about this?
This? I'm gonna kill this.
Why do you think I spend
hours and hours at the range...
shooting at silhouettes, shooting
the hearts right out of 'em?
Every single day.
I've been doin' that for years.
Why do you think I do that? I do that
because I don't wanna chase anybody.
I don't like to run.
So I want you to give me
the plate number.
Hey, this is more like it.
Partners are supposed to fight.
Partner love/hate relationship.
We don't have
a love/hate relationship!
We have a hate/hate relationship.
I don't know how your grandmother can
stand you. You must drive her bonkers.
How do you know?
You don't even live with us.
Give me the plate number.
Plate number:
N-6-B-7-2-G.
- Hey, Nick.
- Go.
We got a make on
a '65 Lincoln Continental...
registered to
a D. Dimucci, 264 Bowman.
Let's get a warrant
and ransack the place.
Wait a minute, 264 Bowman
is a public library,
and I figure Dimucci's
a phony name also.
[McKenna] A public library. Will
you give me something that I can use?
Bobo.
Bobo who?
Bobo I don't know.
How many Bobos can there be?
You better pray just one.
[As Pee-Wee Herman]
Bombing Butler. Aaah!
- Come on, Jenkins.
- Hey, can you do this one?
- You don't wanna be like him.
- [imitates Elephant Trumpeting]
- What is this, the zoo?
- Oh, it's a party, mac!
- [Phone Ringing]
- It's a party!
I'm listening to you.
Officer Butler here.
Okay, lady, calm down.
Calm down.
What'd the cat look like?
- No, I'm eight.
- [Click, Dial Tone]
Hello? Hello?
Damn civilians.
What do we got?
We got three Bobos.
[Clucking]
Detective Butler here.
Detective McKenna would like
to ask you a few questions.
- Go ahead, Nick.
- [Clucking]
Is your name Bobo?
Oww! Oww!
[Bobo] Ah, perfect.
- Are you Mr. Bobo?
- In blue.
Listen. I don't think
this is the guy.
I didn't know art was so dangerous.
How did you know he wasn't our Bobo?
Well, lesson number two:
You gotta trust your instincts.
When you were in school,
kids ever pick on you?
Yeah.
What'd you do?
Oh, I'd handle it
the best way I could.
Hey, Nick, it's a code 73.
What's today, Bobo?
Today? I don't know.
Feels like a Wednesday.
Tell me!
- Tell me!
- You stay in the car. Don't get out.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
[Indistinct Yelling In Spanish]
Catherina, my mother gave us this.
That's right. And you know what?
She gave us this too!
What the hell's goin' on here?
Ask him, sir, Mr. Bobo.
Ask him what day it is today!
- Is your name Bobo?
- I forgot our anniversary.
You forgot your anniversary?
- It's your anniversary?
- I got a present for you, Bobo.
No, no, no.
Not the cards.
- No, no, no.
- All! All of your old baseball cards.
No, no!
[Speaking Spanish]
- Don't, ma'am.
- Detective Butler here.
- What seems to be the problem?
- Get in the car.
Domestic altercations
require two police officers.
You're not a police officer!
Get in the car!
Can I talk to you for a minute?
Never let civilians see us disagree.
It undermines my authority.
I'm disgusted.
Really disgusted.
[Speaking Spanish]
When you stop being mad at him,
you're gonna be real mad at yourself.
Don't worry. I'll never stop
being mad at him!
Who are you, the Mickey Mouse patrol?
Get your skinny little butt out of there
before she throws you out of there.
Nick, please, give me a second, okay?
You think it's bad he forgot
an anniversary? It's not so bad.
I have these big jumbos who
always throw me in the toilet...
and worse yet,
I have him for a partner.
You two at least have each other,
even though you don't
have any more plates.
Yeah, you may be right.
I may be right.
Bobo, start up the stairs.
She can start down.
You guys can meet halfway.
[Blowing Kisses]
Thank you.
Instinct, right?
- He wasn't the Bobo.
- Right.
You know what?
You were very good back there.
[Whispering] Yeah.
What time you gonna
pick me up tomorrow?
- I'm not.
- Why? You said I did a great job.
You didn't kill me, I didn't kill you.
I guess you did all right,
But the deal was one shift.
- But there's another Bobo.
- Yeah.
He pops up, I'll write you.
I knew you would change
your mind, Nick. I knew it.
Give me your stuff.
You're a good kid.
So what happened?
You shoot anybody?
Nothing happened.
Come on.
Something must've happened.
- Nothing happened.
- All right.
Hey, Ray, they want us to keep
this stuff kind of hush-hush.
You know, police business.
Do you understand? Come on.
I guess.
So what do you want to do?
Let's grab a Ding Dong.
Hey, Ray, stop! Look!
The black Lincoln.
Get over here!
- They know our neighborhood.
- Who does?
They want me, not you.
Here, keep this in the evidence locker.
I'll take care of it.
Now turn around and walk
out of here naturally.
Naturally.
Hey, how you doin', fart head?
Mister big shot with the cops, huh?
Don't you morons have
anything else to do?
- What'd you do that for?
- 'Cause you called me a moron.
So throwing your jacket on
the ground makes you smarter?
This kid's making me nuts.
Hey, guys, I can't kid around anymore.
I'm watching my grandma's car.
Oh, so you're here with grandma?
Mm-hmm.
Oh, so this is grandmommy's car, huh?
Hey, guys, please.
Bust me up, but not the car.
You mean don't do this?
That's exactly what I mean.
Or this?
Ah, too bad.
[Rio] My turn.
This is your
kiss good-bye.
Ho! Hey, what are you doin'?
Get out of here!
I'll break your face!
Wait'll I get my hands on you.
We'll get you,
you stupid, little brats.
Let's get back in the car.
Come on, let's go.
Ah, look at this. These punks got no
respect nowadays. Get in the car.
Hi, Grandma.
[Slams Phone]
It finally caught up with you.
What did?
The new school counselor's
here to see you.
I hope you're happy.
Just answer everything, truthfully.
There you are.
Hi, Devon.
Hi.
You recognize me?
No.
Hmm. I'm Mr. Goodman,
the new counselor from school.
You haven't seen me
around school, huh?
No.
Well, let's sit down.
So you know why I'm here?
Uh, missing school today?
Exactly.
Now your grandmother
tells me you've been
helping the police find
a very dangerous man.
You won't believe
the dirtbags we're af...
Hello? Devon?
You were saying?
I didn't see them.
I didn't see the bad guy's face.
That's good.
I mean, that's bad.
Probably the police are disappointed.
Oh, very disappointed.
And mad too because I wasted their time.
- Well.
- I'm afraid we're out of cream.
Gee. You know what? I'm gonna
take a rain check on this...
because I've got...
ooh, I think I'll take one of these.
I've got a few stops I have to make.
Well,
is everything all right?
Oh, I'm very pleased with Devon.
As a matter of fact,
Devon's a good boy.
You have a good day.
Grandma!
- Hey, hey, mister. Come here.
- Damn.
What? Excuse me, ma'am?
Come here?
I overheard your conversation.
That woman can't control...
Get your arm off me, madam,
or I'll put you in a home.
I cannot do my job with a kid around.
I do not like kids.
- [Rubio] Nick!
- Why does he have to stay at my house?
Why can't he stay with somebody else?
Believe me, you wouldn't even be
my second choice for him to stay with.
The kid is comfortable with you.
Come on, how long can it last?
Give me a break here.
Besides, you have such
a lovely rapport with him.
Let's go.
You are going to listen
to Mr. McKenna, right?
- Detective McKenna?
- Detective McKenna.
Look at me.
Devon, look at me.
Now you won't leave here
without him, right?
Grandma, he's got a gun.
I'm sure he has.
And you won't leave him here and go
around playing cowboys and Indians?
Lady, the next time somebody
breaks into your apartment,
why don't you call the bunkhouse
and ask for a cowboy.
I'm sure they come
a lot faster than you.
I've been bustin' my chops
all my life protectin' people!
- Anybody seen Barnyard Cop?
- What?
He always asks his partner:
What comes after "L"?
- I don't know.
- "Bow." Don't you get it?
- Elbow!
- [Coughs]
You hit me one more time
with your "L" -bow...
and I'm gonna rip it off
and wave it at you.
You keep pullin' that
attitude with my grandson.
I don't have an attitude, lady,
I'm just a police officer.
I do not have an attitude.
Come here.
- Take care of yourself, Devon.
- I will.
- Hey, Nick?
- Mm-hmm?
Is a hundred grand the same
as a hundred thousand?
Yeah, why?
The guy in the warehouse said it.
"A hundred grand."
I heard it was more like
a hundred million.
[Urinating]
- Wait. Swords.
- Hmm?
- What swords?
- Come on, it's fun.
My friend Raymond
can piss eight feet.
Well, Raymond's my new hero.
Just watch what you're doin'.
- Come on, this'll be fu...
- [Urinating On Nick's Pant Leg]
Sorry.
Good night, kid.
- Hey, Nick?
- Yeah?
Aren't you gonna read me a story?
You want to be a police officer,
you gotta get your batteries recharged.
Besides, you're eight years old.
I'm not gonna read to you.
Don't you know anything
about kids? It relaxes us.
Once upon a time...
"Randy Milligan was released from the
Kansas City Hospital
Thursday afternoon...
and planned to join
his Baltimore teammates...
for a trip to New York
on Thursday night.
Milligan was knocked
unconscious after...
he ran into second baseman
Give me a break.
It's a story.
"Milligan was knocked
unconscious after...
he ran into second baseman
Billy Ripken...
while chasing a ground ball
on Wednesday night.
Milligan sustained
a minor concussion...
and left the field in an ambulance.
Tests Thursday revealed
no major damage besides a concussion.
Milligan suffered a...
a, uh...
bruised cheekbone and..."
Actually, the doctors
don't have much hope for him...
and they're gonna
cut off his testicles.
[Devon Coughing]
Oh, boss, these are beautiful.
[Humming]
What'd you find out, Chu?
Sir, the kid's with McKenna.
Ohhh!
- Why?
- 'Cause I'm boiling.
Are you gentlemen capable
of doing anything right?
Absolutely.
With McKenna, huh?
Erase him like a bad grade.
You got it, boss.
[Door Opens]
[Door Closes]
[Clattering]
I just wanted a glass of milk.
Incoming.
So you're dumping the kid?
I gave him to McPhail. McPhail
already has some kids, all right?
- I'm not used to this kind of stuff.
- What kind of stuff?
Look, I'm not a bodyguard,
I'm not a baby-sitter.
I have a routine. I
have a routine to do.
Uhhuh.
Well, I guess the kid
has gotten to you, huh?
Give the kid to McPhail!
He likes corn flakes in the morning.
[Sighs]
38 in a 35 zone. What do you
think, Devon? Do we let him slide?
- I don't care.
- You gotta help me out here, Devon.
I was gonna let the guy slide,
only you gotta be with me on this.
We're partners here.
And don't tell Rubio.
- Okay, let him slide.
- Hey. Good decision.
- You'll make a good cop.
- Nick doesn't think so.
Hey, let me tell you
something about Nick.
Eight years ago, there was a drug bust
and his partner was killed.
Nobody's fault,
but Nick blamed himself.
You understand what
I'm trying to tell you?
After that, he wouldn't
let anyone close.
He wouldn't be friends
with anything that breathed.
But it wasn't his fault.
I know that.
Try convincing Nick.
If he'd listen, I'd try.
I know, I know.
Come on, you're on duty.
There's one we gotta nab.
38 in a 35 zone.
Could let him slide.
Please, we gotta nab this one.
Please!
- Book 'em, Dan-o.
- Yes!
Hey, hey, hey, you'll need this.
- Thanks.
- Wait a minute.
You, pull over.
Yes, officer?
License and registration,
please, Mr. Flemming.
What's goin' on here?
What are you...
I'm your worst nightmare.
An eight-year-old with a badge.
I'm in a hurry, Butler...
and I got a nightmare for you in
my office. You know where that is.
Don't sass me,
Mr. Flemming.
[Speaker] Officer Butler has
full jurisdiction here.
Step out of your car, please, sir.
- [Flemming] Is this for real?
- Out.
Hands on the hood and spread 'em.
- Any concealed weapons?
- No.
- I can explain. L...
- Herman,
if I don't do this,
you will never learn...
and I would be doing you
a great injustice.
- Flemming, right?
- Yes.
- Yes, what?
- Yes, sir.
Thanks.
Due by Tuesday.
[Tires Screeching]
- You see him?
- Yeah.
Our little problem
is about to go away.
Devon!
Yaah!
- Uhhh!
- Oww!
Hold it!
- You okay?
- Yeah.
- That was just like Miami Vice.
- Ohh.
L... l... l...
I, I, I!
Go after that Lincoln!
Let's go.
I'm too old... for this.
[Siren Wailing]
Aah!
You sure you're all right?
Yeah, except I couldn't see nothin'.
Your arm was in the way.
Sorry.
I found another Bobo.
Could I have my badge back?
Oh. Yeah.
Thank you.
Let's go kick some ass.
[Devon] Do you need a tattoo
to get in this place?
All right.
Take off that
dad-gum T-shirt.
I don't want you comin' inside.
You go in there, you hang around
in that bar, you get hurt.
- I can handle it.
- Yeah.
I thought this was a leather bar!
Leave me alone!
Hey, don't!
Put that back down!
- [Indistinct Shouting]
- Come on.
Hang around in the parking lot
and you'll get hurt.
Ooh, Francine gonna let it unwind
You can look that way in a few years.
If that's not a 48-year-old
midget, both of you are...
Here's his I.D. Card.
- You're a cop.
- I'm a cop?
- You're a cop.
- I'm a cop?
[Laughing]
And he's my assistant!
[Laughing]
- Lookin' for a guy named Bobo.
- You lookin' for Bobo?
That's him at the end of the bar.
- The guy with his shirt off.
- Yeah.
Dear God.
Francine Francine
- You Mr. Bobo?
- Ask your mother.
[Devon] Hey, pal!
- You talkin' to me?
- I didn't catch your name.
I didn't throw it.
Steve. Good name.
Gimme a milk, Steve.
In a dirty glass.
- [Laughing]
- Let's get Mr. Bobo out here!
- [Laughing]
- Let's get Mr. Bobo out here!
I'm lookin' for a Mr. Bobo
because I have, uh...
some money I, uh...
I wanna give him.
Tell me about Bobo.
I heard he was a
world-famous hairdresser.
Maybe this will
refreshen your memory.
Thank you.
Apparently Mr. Bobo
doesn't want this money.
Mr. Bobo!
You know, you can't have the money...
- 'til you tell me your name is Bobo.
- I'm Bobo.
- Good, 'cause I wanna talk to ya.
- Why?
[Devon] If I were you, I'd play dead.
Thanks. Ooh.
Well, I'm fine.
- Aah!
- [Laughing]
Ohh.
Don't hit her.
She's a woman.
Aah!
- Didn't hit her.
- Aah!
[Indistinct Shouting]
[Laughing] All right, kill 'im!
Aah!
- You're mine!
- I don't think so!
- Uhh!
- Yes!
Get over here!
Aaaaah! Aaah!
Aaaaaah! Aaaah!
- Oww!
- [Grunting, Shouting]
[Siren Wailing]
[Devon On P.A.]
This is the S.W.A.T. Team commander!
We have you surrounded!
Throw down your weapons!
- The police are here!
- [Motorcycle Engines Starting]
[Devon]
Was that a good place to hit a guy?
A guy that big, that's
the only place you hit him!
What'd you call for help for?
I was doin' fine!
It didn't look like it to me.
- He's headin' for the bridge!
- I can see that!
- You're losing him!
- Shut up!
- Oh, say, can you see by...
- What are you doing?
When I'm scared, I sing.
Do you mind?
[Warning Bell Rings]
Oh, say, can you see by
the dawn's early light
- What so prou...
- Eee!
I coulda made it!
Maybe.
Now you can call for backup.
- I don't think I can do that.
- Why?
'Cause I think I'm sick.
[Dispatcher On Radio]
What's your 10-20, McKenna?
We're perpendicular.
Hey, kid!
Please don't leave me
My life would be still
Doo-ooh-ooh
Wah-ooh
Devon!
You guys seen
a little kid around here?
Doo-ooh-ooh
Wah
- Hey, Nick!
- Doo
Ooh-ooh
- Where the hell have you been?
- I wanted to surprise you.
Glazed or chocolate?
People are trying to kill you!
Are you some kind
of bonehead or what?
I'm not, and you don't have to yell!
I can't handle this anymore!
I cannot handle it anymore.
Pick a city!
Cincinnati! Cleveland!
Take you and your grandmother!
- You go there, I'll pay for it!
- You call this being a father?
I'm not your father.
- I'm not your partner either!
- Fine!
I don't want you to be my father!
I don't want you to be my partner!
I don't want you to be anything!
- I'm gonna handle things myself!
- Ah, Devon.
Devon!
Come back over here!
Will you come...
Devon!
I'm on official police business.
- Just come with us.
- Quietly.
- Aah!
- Back off! I'm only gonna count to one.
- Shut up, man. Just shut up!
- Oh, don't you wish!
Hey, let me go!
Another shrimp bites the dust!
[Laughing]
- [School Bell Rings]
- First we're gonna break your arms!
Then we're gonna break your
ugly little face. [Laughing]
[indistinct Yelling]
- Sit down, you little crud!
- Hey, there's a fight over there!
There's a fight over there!
- It's wedgie time!
- Put me down!
- Watch and learn, kiddies!
- [Laughing]
- Let me down!
- Hey, how does that sand taste, huh?
- [Laughing] I love it!
- Put me down, you jerk!
- Time to kick your ass.
- I don't think so!
- Ohh!
- [Cheering]
- Ohh!
- You're dead, you little puke!
- Uhh!
- Get off me!
[Cheering]
- Get off me, man!
- Come on! Get him!
- Got you! [Laughing]
- Ahh!
- You're dead!
- You little puke!
- Aah!
- [Grunting] Aah!
[Cheering]
- Let us go...
- Or you're dead, you little creep!
If you can't do the time,
don't do the crime.
I'm Detective Butler,
and you two zit farms
are under arrest.
- Devon, come on.
- Yeah, come on, man.
Be quiet.
Hey, Deputy Sanchez,
does this happen to be yours?
Thanks.
That is so cool.
Remember, Katy,
the law is on your side.
[Devon] Oh no!
Get up here.
Listen up.
I need a diversion.
- We could do that.
- Yeah!
- Shane, go close the gate.
- Yes, sir.
The rest of you split.
- Come on, talk to Devon. Oooh!
- Gotcha!
Mom!
These are the punks
that smashed the car.
[Together] Oh no!
- Good morning, boys. How do you feel?
- Ohh...
Aaah! Ohh!
- Devon!
- Over here!
Waldo! Over there!
- Gotcha!
- Hee hee!
Hey, mister!
I like your suit!
Aaah!
Come on, sucka!
I'm right here!
- Are you ready?
- Yeah!
Come on!
Aah!
[Children Laughing]
- You okay?
- [Laughing Continues]
All right, everybody!
Sit down!
Where is Devon Butler?
- I'm Devon Butler.
- I'm Devon Butler.
- [Together] I'm Devon Butler!
- I'm Devon Butler!
- I'm Devon Butler.
- [All] I'm Devon Butler!
[Cheering]
- Fire!
- Fire!
[Cheering]
Let's not tell anybody
about this, all right?
- Not again!
- I'm not done with you yet!
- Aah!
- Come on.
Have you got any idea where he
might be? Any place at all?
- He doesn't have many friends.
- I know.
- He's just a baby.
- I'm gonna find him.
I promise.
I promise, Rachel.
Officer, are you
from social services?
Yes. I was just giving Mrs. Butler
the "grandmother of the year" award.
By the way, we're
keeping an eye on you.
[Radio] Memories to my surprise
- Thith suckth.
- Well, you'd better learn to love it.
[Switches Radio Off]
[Walkie-Talkie] Devon, did
you make it? Are you in the car?
This is not a good place to call me.
What the hell was that?
Great. Will you
turn off your radio?
You have the right to remain silent!
Anything you say...
- Shut up, kid!
- What's happening, Dev? Talk to me!
Imagine this little punk!
- You owe me $9.95!
- Damn! Get over here, you little...
- Sit down!
- Don't move!
What are you looking at?
Whatsamatta wit' you?
Mmm. Nice to see you
again, Devon.
You remember me? We had that nice
little talk together?
- Pity you didn't listen.
- You're in trouble now.
- Uh-oh.
- [Laughing]
You like music, Devon?
Are you talkin' about that fifties
crap they were dissin' in the car?
I heard you sing.
A cat chokin' on a hair ball
sounds better than you.
How would you know, hmm?
Do you have any idea as to who I was?
Lock him in the other office.
Okay, boss.
Hey, put me down, piggy!
Do not move.
You understand?
[Snaps Fingers] Let's go.
Help!
All right, now calm down.
What would Nick do?
- [Dial Tone]
- 9-1-1.
[Dialing]
Hello. Could you get me Nick McKenna?
Tell him it's Devon.
Captain, it's Butler!
Honey, where are you?
- Who's on the phone?
- The kid's on the phone.
Oh.
The kid? The door!
Let me up!
- Tell him 100 grand is not money!
- What does that mean, Devon?
Did I tell you not to touch
anything? Take him, Rudy.
Get Nick!
[Detective]
Nick, we heard from Devon.
He said tell Nick that
100 grand isn't money.
- What the hell does that mean?
- We don't know.
10-4.
Put me down,
you oink-oink!
- Oww!
- Rudy, what are you doin'? Over here!
The drug lab is over here.
I knew it was drugs.
I'm sur... I'm sure that I said
to keep him in the office.
- He was a bad boy, boss.
- He called me "piggy."
I like that. Stick him in
the corner 'til we finish.
Stick him in the corner!
Ohh!
This is a good consistency.
Let's leave it at this.
[Tires Screeching]
[Motorcycle Approaching]
Hello, Bobo.
Hey, we got the drugs
outta all of the horns.
Good.
Uh-oh. Well, Devon, it looks like
it's time to say good-bye.
- Take him to the boat.
- You got it, boss.
- You're gonna ki...
- Shut up.
See ya, Devon.
Give my regards to Elvis.
I bet you're peein' in your pants
by now, ain't ya, kid?
No wonder dinosaurs are extinct.
Big heads, small brains.
I'm tired of you calling me names!
I'm gonna do him right now!
- Get outta the way, Chu!
- Take it easy, Rudy.
Hey, kid, you wanna
say a prayer, go ahead.
Hey, Bobo, you're late!
- Everybody's waitin' on ya, Bo.
- Hey, kid!
What comes after "L"?
- A, B, C, D, E, F, G
- Bow!
Oww!
Aah! Aah!
Where's the gun?
It's under here! I
can't reach it, Nick!
Damn!
Aah!
Come on!
Seal off the warehouse!
There's no way out now, McKenna!
Aah! Whoa!
- You see anybody?
- No. Nobody.
Go out. Seal it.
Stay put.
Hey, Nick!
- Are you mad at me?
- Nah.
Oof!
[Engine Starts]
- Yaah!
- Aah!
Aah!
You hit him!
Get the car! Get the car!
Come on, get up!
Get up! Get the boat!
McKenna, you're mine!
Aah! Jump!
- Now?
- Now!
Aah!
- Nick, you've been shot!
- Yeah.
There's Bobo!
- What are you looking at, weenie?
- Huh?
- He's got my car door!
- Ohh! Ohh!
Aah!
- Come on!
- [Tires Screeching]
Go faster, Nick!
Faster!
Move out of the way!
What are you doin'?
Get outta the way!
- What is your name? What is your name?
- Hey. I'm workin' here.
All right.
[Tires Screeching]
Aah! We're out of gas!
Go! Go! Go!
- It's awfully quiet. Maybe we got 'em.
- Maybe not.
- Start diggin' under the bags.
- Yeah. Where are ya?
Where are ya?
Where are ya?
Nice and easy, will ya?
Nice and easy!
They're not here!
Aah.
- Aah!
- Can you hot-wire this thing?
- We got keys!
- Better idea!
- Aah!
- Nick, you can't use your arm!
- I gotta do it!
- [Engine Starting]
They're in the boat!
There's McKenna on the boat!
Follow him!
Let's go, Rudy!
Follow me! Follow me,
you stupid! Follow me!
- [Crashing, Crunching]
- Ohh!
Why? All I wanna do is sing!
Come on!
Follow the boss!
There he is, up there!
See him?
[Boat Horn Blowing]
- Nick! Tugboat!
- [Boat Horn Blowing]
- Ohh, Nick!
- Keep it steady!
[Horn Blowing]
Turn it about!
Turn it about!
- No! No!
- Aah!
- Aah!
- No! Oh no!
Oh! Oh! Oh!
Ohhhh!
Aaaah!
Oh! Oh! Oh!
Oh! Oh! Ohh!
Get back here, Chu!
Aah!
- [Horn Blowing]
- Turn it!
Turn!
Aah ha!
Aaah!
Oh, no!
It's a dead end, Nick!
All right, you gotta drive this boat
Right up those pipes.
- I can't do that, Nick.
- Yes, you can!
That's it!
We got 'em now!
- I'm scared.
- I'm scared too, Devon,
but you're my partner!
- Let's hit it!
- [Engine Revving]
[Together] Oh, say, can you see
By the dawn's early light
What so proudly we hail
- They're gonna jump the pipe!
- Nah. They're nuts.
Twilight's last gleaming
and the rocket's red glare
Bombs bursting in air
Aah! Ohh!
- Aah!
- Yes! We did it, Nick!
Unhh! Oww!
- Uhh!
- Follow him!
- Goin'! Goin'!
- Yeah!
[Fountain] Oh, yeah!
Come on, baby!
We're doin' it! Let's go!
All right! A little to the right!
A little to the right!
- Who-o-o-a!
- Aah!
Hey!
Get me outta here now!
- Get me outta here!
- I'm a little indisposed at the moment.
I can't even get
myself outta here, boss.
Get me the hell outta here.
This is ridiculous!
Hey! Turn it off!
McKenna, I'm gonna kill you!
- [Laughing]
- Big joke, huh, McKenna?
I'm gonna stick you
in here. Keep laughin'.
Waldo, there's fish here.
Hey, boss... shut up.
[Belching]
[Sirens Wailing]
[Groaning]
- Hey, Nick.
- Uh-huh.
I wanna put my police business
on hold for a while...
and be a kid again.
You know something, Devon?
- Me, too.
- Great.
[Laughing]
Ohh.
Hey, partner, how you doin'?
Can we go a little faster?
I'm used to speed.
Hey! I was shot
three months ago.
You want speed, give me some help.
Ready?
[Rachel] This is the life.
Why is my baby blue
Can't see the colors
of a sunny day
And stuck in that point of view
What can I do
to take your tears away
Oh, I'm not denying
I hear the tempo crying
Just tell me why
you look so sad tonight
I know it's crazy
Livin' in the world
these days but
If you take me by the hand, whoo
There's nothin' my love
can't fix for you, baby
I'm positive of this I tell you
There's nothin' my love
can't fix for you, baby
Ahh, girl
please let me help you out
I'll pick you up so high
You'll start forgetting
you were ever down
Guess who will dry your eyes
This is the way
to turn your world around
We all get lonely
But if you just hold me
We both can go
beyond the stars tonight
Oh, once you have it
Love works like magic
Just open open up your heart
There's nothin' my love
can't fix for you, baby
I'm positive of this I tell you
There's nothin' my love
can't fix for you, baby
Baby
A-hoa-hoa-hoa-hoa
Love is the glue that binds us
When we get lost
it finds us, yeah
You'll lose your blues soon
There's nothin' my love
can't fix for you, baby
I'm positive of this I tell you
There's nothin' my love
can't fix for you, baby
Baby
A-hoa-hoa-hoa-hoa
Love is the glue that binds us
When we get lost
it finds us, yeah
You'll lose your blues soon
'Cause baby, my love is true
break it
One, two, three, ha!
Oh, once you have it
Love works like magic
Just open up your heart Oww
There's nothin' my love
can't fix for you, baby
I'm positive of this I tell you
There's nothin' my love
can't fix for you, baby
Baby
Ohh-ohh-ohh-ohh
There's nothin' my love
can't fix for you, baby
I'm positive of this I tell you
There's nothin' my love
can't fix for you, baby
Oh, you know it's true
All I gotta say is baby, baby
I'll love you in every way
'cause, lady
You gotta get away with me
You gotta get away with me today
'Cause our love
has got to shoot through
And honey you got to see it too
That we were meant
girl, me and you
But lately you been actin'
like I smell like a zoo
Philly zoo to be exact
And, hey, Philly's my origin
as a matter of fact
But let's get back
to the subject at hand
Baby, baby, baby
Oh, you is back in demand
When I look at you, girl
My heart goes right into a whirl
And all I got to say
about the situation
- Ohh-ohh-ohh yeah
- Whoa-oh-oh
There's nothin'
my love can't fix
The end...