Cop Chronicles: Loose Cannons: The Legend of the Haj-Mirage (2018) Movie Script

MAN: Did you foresee this happening?
I did.
Watching you struggle to keep up with me,
only failing, just like
you failed your love ones.
The ones that cared about you most.
I saw it all, and it was beautiful.
And now I must complete my vision,
by killing you.
Was it supposed to snow today?
Whatever, clown.
Do I look like a clown to you?
Does a clown walk around
with a badge and a gun,
and identify as a cop?
Sergeant Cop Clown does.
Who's Sergeant Cop Clown?
The lead character
in my new spec script.
It's about a clown who goes undercover
to spy on families by going
to their kid's parties.
Actually, that's a pretty good idea.
Yeah, I mean, I don't
know how it stretches
into a full season but...
Everybody in LA thinks
they can give notes...
Hey, hey.
I think it's a good start.
You know any producers?
But I know a cop.
Ah, shit!
Thanks to you, I don't
have to hit the gym
after work today.
Now you'll never get these drugs!
I'll never talk!
I bet you want to know about
the mysterious Haj-Mirage.
What is that?
I'm not gonna tell you shit
about the secret powers
he will soon possess.
I bet you want to know
about Robo Op, don't you?
(LAUGHS) I'm not gonna
tell you anything, pig!
Look, I didn't ask you any questions.
You think I'm gonna tell you
about my boss's secret plan
to use Robo Op in conjunction
with the Haj-Mirage
to have everyone do his bidding?
Yeah, you just told me most...
I'll never talk!
Let's see how many chances God gives you
not to talk now.
Captain, listen.
Shut the fuck up, nigga!
Captain, if you would just let me...
God damn it!
An unarmed suspect.
He wasn't even resisting arrest!
I felt threatened.
Don't give me that bullshit, Higgs.
You know that defense only work
on the black suspects!
Just kept repeating something about
Robo Op, Haj something.
Well, now he ain't bringing
up shit cause he dead.
'Cause you can't control your emotions.
BOSS: You never could.
Are you just gonna read me
my entire backstory then?
24 years on the force.
A damn good cop!
But too quick to use the
gun to bring justice.
Emotional, volatile.
A great friend and a better lover.
You, you'd do anything
to catch the bad guy at any cost.
But you never think about what that cost
might be on your soul.
I don't need this shit, Captain.
Well, you've got this shit,
because you earned this shit.
I messed up!
It's who I am.
So you're just gonna give me
your whole backstory while you're at it?
24 years on the force.
Damn good cop.
But too quick to the gun to sell justice.
Volatile, emotional, great friend,
even better lover.
Oh, I live to catch the bad guy,
no matter the cost.
But never question what that cost
might be on my soul.
Robo Op.
I heard about that.
You have?
It's connected with...
Now we don't know shit about it.
Just mentions from former associates.
I thought Samir was out of
the drug cartel gang.
He is!
He's all about philanthropy now.
But something just doesn't
sit right about it.
I need to go question him!
Hell no, you're off the case.
But Captain!
Don't give me that shit!
I got downtown up my
ass about that shooting.
I'm not letting you do this alone.
Okay, okay, who are you sending with me?
Someone who's an expert
on all things Samir.
Your old partner.
I haven't seen him in years.
Well get the fuck out there
and find him, motherfucker!
Stupid white motherfuckin'
dumb motherfucker.
Too good for me, too good for me,
too good for me, too good for me.
Hey, McGraw.
How'd you find me?
I got attacked by a bear.
I know I didn't have
all the methods covered.
Long time no see, huh friend?
Hey, you're a little...
Let me clean up real quick.
I need you to come back.
You know I haven't been back since...
That night.
I'm pregnant.
This is all we found of her.
Oh, and this too.
The forest is my home now.
It's Samir.
He's back.
The man who killed my dead wife?
The same man.
You investigated him for years,
you took out his drug operation
one man by one man,
and then he took vengeance on you
by murdering your dead wife.
Throwing you off the case forever.
You know, some say he killed me too.
Yeah, well some say you're still alive.
(CHUCKLES) Just cause I'm alive
doesn't mean I'm not dead.
Goodbye, Higgs.
McGraw, McGraw, McGraw!
McGraw, McGraw!
Get me a ride.
Hi there.
Where we're going, we don't need roads.
(CHUCKLES) It's from the movie
Back to the Future.
You know, because we're driving and stuff.
Fun fact about that movie,
not a lot of people know this,
there is no frontal male nudity.
Cleared the threat,
disposed of the bodies,
cleaned up the place a little for you.
It is safe to enter.
Oh, I thought the forest was your home.
I decided I could use a little vacation.
But don't get used to it.
The minute we kill Samir,
I'm going right back to the forest.
And what if you realize that this
is the world that you belong in?
I've realized what I
need to realize, Higgs.
And the minute you realize
what I've realized,
you'll have the same realization.
I realize you're upset, but...
I don't want to be apart
of this world anymore.
The evil, the violence.
It doesn't stop, alright?
Look, my soul has been
through so much shit,
I'm kinda concerned I don't
even have a soul anymore.
You're the best damn
cop that I have ever met.
Children have parents today
because of work you've done.
You saved 97 puppies in the
Great Puppy Mill Fire of 1988.
In 2007 through 2011, you stopped so many
unwanted pregnancies by
handing out birth control
and condoms to all the junior proms.
You were third runner up
on season three of Top Chef.
You have more soul than anybody I know.
My soul exploded the
day my dead wife did!
Check under the trash can.
Throw it on the ground!
You see anything over there, Higgs?
It's a little bright in here for me.
Who you working for?
I can't tell you, you don't understand,
he'll kill me.
Either he will or I will.
Well, this is a pickle.
I'll show you a pickle.
Just kidding, it's a gun.
Please, please, please, please.
I have a family.
I have a family, they need me.
This is the only job I could find.
Well, the job market has improved,
it is still hard to find jobs.
Yeah, especially if you're like me,
because I don't have any experience.
They do want experience,
even for entry level positions.
Yeah, and it's like how am I
supposed to get experience
if I can't even get an entry
level job to begin with?
I say we cut open his gut,
and we pull out his intestine
and use it as a jump rope.
Hold on, hold on, hold on.
I think we can still get a little more
use out of him.
Ah, come on.
It's intimidating, I'm
trying to make him nervous.
Yeah, but it's right in my eyes.
- You have sunglasses on!
- I don't care.
Of anybody in this fucking room,
you can handle a, stop it.
Are you more nervous
with or without the light?
- See?
- Oh.
SAMIR: Every technological
advancement has issues.
And when you're taking
huge risks like we are,
you can expect greater issues.
But, I assure you,
these reports of turmoil in
my company are fake news.
You don't have to do this!
But we have emails
from within the company
that show corrupt data,
misleading information,
and possible embezzlement.
Care to comment?
These emails you found are forged
and put out to look like leaks.
Trust me, the person responsible
has been found and terminated.
I am a changed man.
My past is behind me,
I only wish to further mankind now.
I was selfish, and now I am selfless.
Well, thank you for taking the time
to speak with us, Samir.
Yes, my pleasure.
Thank you.
Did I sound convincing?
Did you take care of our situation?
Your employee has been terminated.
WOMAN: How are the buyers?
Oh, these issues
haven't been kind to us,
but through media manipulation
and strategic language,
I shall take care of it, don't you worry.
Now we have a bigger problem.
Is back in town.
He's with Higgs.
McGraw almost defeated me last time,
and my organization.
Yes, my training has come along,
but I don't think I could
destroy him this time.
And if I cannot do that,
then my plan cannot progress.
What about the book?
My man is working on it right now.
I can expect a progress
report from him any moment.
My God.
Let me see it.
The Haj-Mirage.
Imagine that up in a museum,
or on a wall, a plaque with my name on it.
My son's gonna be so proud of me.
I'm keeping the book.
But the secrets it holds!
It's too powerful for mere mortals.
Who's mortal now?
Yes, I'll be on CNN and Fox tomorrow.
Listen, I know what I'm doing, alright?
I've done this before.
I know how to sell something even though
it might not even...
DAUGHTER: Dad, I'm home.
Listen, I've gotta go.
I'll see you tomorrow.
How was school?
I see you're already doing your homework
like a good person.
Well, I want to be just like you, Dad.
You make your father so proud.
I saw you on MSNBC today.
And the people said that
your plans won't work
and that you're a bad person.
It's true.
I have done a lot of bad things,
but I've changed.
I'm committed to being a better person,
and yes, my college buddy did dare me
to adopt someone.
And I did, but I chose you!
And I've been helping people
for the better ever since.
Sorry, I've gotta take this.
Nice to hear from you, Ronny.
Yes, hello Zachary.
How was your day?
Um, well, not the best.
Did something go wrong in your office?
At your legitimate nine
to five office job?
Some of my teammates
were fired from life.
That's so sad to hear.
Who is this man?
I'm sorry, I'm sorry.
He's gonna kill me and my family.
Get him to say his name!
SAMIR: Is your job safe?
Um, yes.
I was able to escape the office.
Good, I'm happy then.
Zachary, just for fun,
let's use our real names.
Zachary is my real name.
Yeah, I know.
But if Zachary was your
real name, which it is,
but you were using a fake name
that's your real name,
what would it be?
I don't know what you're
talking about, Ronny.
Like okay, you have a real name,
but you're hiding it with a fake name.
Like, your real name is Zachary.
Which it is.
Yes, like it totally is.
So, in this case, what
would your fake name be,
but that it's actually your real name?
Oh, it'd be...
I don't know how, but
he knows I'm compromised.
Alright, I'm gonna slit open his gut
and use him as a human canoe.
Wait, wait, Higgs.
As much as I do like that idea,
I think it's best we keep him alive.
And here.
Use him for his information.
My place?
We're not gonna keep a
hostage here in my place.
What choice do we have, Higgs?
A human canoe.
Higgs, it didn't even come close
to working last time.
Why do you think it's
gonna work this time?
I've been practicing it.
We're gonna tape his mouth closed,
tie him up, force
information about of him.
And when we're done with him...
Then we can see how we feel.
In the meantime, we go talk to Clive.
I thought Clive was dead.
(CHUCKLES) That's just how
far undercover he's been.
That son of a bitch.
Are you okay?
I'm fine, I'm fine!
I'm fine.
God damn it!
You like the Kama Sutra?
I love it.
What about a standing dragon?
I don't know, who's asking?
Clearance 5934.
Standing dragon.
How about fucking dragon, am I right?
You son of a bitch.
You son of a bitch.
You son of a bitch.
You son of a bitch!
You son of a...
- Son of a bitch.
- You son of a bitch!
- Oh, son of a bitch!
- Son of a bitch!
Son of a bitch!
You son of a bitch!
Oh, God damn it, you son of a bitch!
Son of a bitch.
Oh, give it here, you son of a bitch!
You son of a bitch!
McGraw, how the hell are you, my boy?
Oh, I'm dead inside, Clive.
How you doing?
I've never felt more alive.
I'm sure you've already heard
that everybody thought I was dead,
but I was actually just
secretly undercover overseas.
Can't say too much about it of course,
but betwixt you and I,
I killed a lot of people.
Like, a lot.
Can't say who though.
Yeah, well, sounds cool.
Two child kings.
Child kings?
Already said too much already.
But yes.
Who were kings.
I hollowed out their bodies,
and fashioned them into human canoes.
We need your help with something.
Any word on the streets
about Samir coming back?
The man who murdered your dead wife?
The man who murdered my dead wife.
No, I haven't heard
anything specifically.
Damn it!
But I haven't not heard anything.
Recently, I've infiltrated
an underground dance group.
Read shady pieces of shit.
Fantastic moves though.
Anyway, there's lots of
drugs at these events,
and I overheard two buyers the other day
discussing some old drug supplier
who might be trying to come back?
I mean, as I'm sure you can imagine,
it's next to impossible to hear everything
with the hard pounding beats
penetrating your eardrums,
but whoever the hell
they were talking about
seems like they used to be
a pretty big player in the drug world.
Perhaps the biggest.
Though, the way they made it sound,
the person's trying to go legit now.
Or, at least they want
it to appear that way.
It's Samir, it's gotta be.
We don't know that yet.
What other drug kingpins
have we taken out?
I know, but we need
more information first.
What are you so afraid of, McGraw?
Why are you so quick to
pull the trigger on this, huh?
Do you want to get in
a dangerous situation?
Do you want to risk your life?
Do you want to die?
Do you?
You sound just like my ex-wife.
Look, we just gotta do
this thing right, okay?
What are you afraid of, huh?
That we're gonna go get Samir,
this whole thing's gonna be over,
and you're gonna be right
back up into the woods
alone with nothing to live for?
I don't know.
Maybe, I haven't thought about it yet.
That's what I thought.
You got anything else, Clive?
Well, there is one man.
Peddles a lot of drugs
among the underground dance groups.
I'll give you his info,
and you can go pay him a visit.
He'll undoubtedly know what's up.
Good seeing you, my boy.
Hell of a guy.
Get the car...
I'll get in the car.
You guys watch that season one
of American Gods?
There was a huge penis
in one of those episodes, like gigantic.
It was very big.
It was good, it was great.
I really liked it.
I think like, if you're
gonna make a TV show,
you should put a penis in it.
You know?
It's not asking too much.
If you've got boobs, do penis.
One to one should be the ratio.
It shouldn't be this 10 to one nonsense.
10 boobs, and you get a kinda soft wiener
in there somewhere.
Like a quick shot,
you gotta look quick
and see the soft wiener.
I want full on wiener, or, you know what,
I'll take balls too.
I'll take one ball or both balls.
Dick and wiener, dick and balls,
balls and wieners, testicles,
lots of testicles in there.
If you're gonna do boobs,
testicles should be
somewhere in there too.
You know?
Just something, give me something,
something for me, you know?
A little me time.
Me time with the testicles.
It's all about me and testes.
You know?
You get it.
Ah, fuck.
God damn it, it's locked.
We hear you have some
information for us.
Yeah, there were rumblings
that Samir is back in town.
What do you know about that?
Yo, yo, yo.
Did you shit my pants?
Yo, one of ya'll shit my pants.
Well, I did not shit your pants.
Higgs, did you shit his pants?
Not this time.
Look, if you answer a few
simple questions for us,
we will ignore the vast amount
of illicit drugs in here.
I'm down to clown.
Have you heard about Samir coming back?
He's past all this shit.
And what does that mean?
It means he doesn't
deal with drugs anymore.
He's all into his robot stuff.
Long time no see!
Okay, let's not do anything crazy.
I don't think you're in a position
to tell me what to do.
Oh my God!
It was me!
I shit my pants.
It's been a while
since we had a shootout.
Just like the good ol' days, huh?
Now except with more arthritis!
What did you say about Samir?
- Wait.
- Huh?
One more time, and
then we come back down.
You mean shoot them again?
- Yeah, let's get them again!
- Alright!
- You alright?
- Yeah, I'm okay.
Oh Higgs, get down!
It's a fake.
She got away.
Why would she do that?
If she used a real grenade,
this would've absolutely killed us.
Yeah, we'd be gone.
Her problems would be over.
Yeah, I really don't get it,
I'm confused why she even
bothered with this tactic.
You leave and don't come back!
God damn it!
Until when?
Unless you want to be
killed by them or Samir.
But my diabetes medication is in there!
Smells like cocaine.
Ah, burns like cocaine.
It's not cocaine.
You sure?
I'm not.
- No, that's cocaine.
- That's cocaine.
You know, there's a lot of info
on Robo Op on here, Higgs.
I gotta say...
It looks legit.
Yeah, I don't care what it looks like
on the outside.
Because on the inside, it's just like us.
Full of shit.
But what if he really is
trying to improve himself
and the life of others?
Come on!
I'm just saying.
You're just saying
that you're gonna forgive
the man who killed your dead wife.
No, I am not.
I'm just saying that
people can change, Higgs.
Says the guy who's changed so much
that he can't figure out how to live
without his dead wife.
You son of a...
Hey, hey, hey.
Can we please not fight?
Not today.
You know, it's the first day
that we've had together
since you all took my hostage,
and I for one, would really like it
to be just a lovely day.
Is that okay?
We'll just wait here,
and find out what Samir's up to.
Yeah, I guess we will.
Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck,
fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck.
Fuck, fuck, fuck,
fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck,
fuck, fuck, fuck.
Fuck, it's hot!
Why would you do that?
It's fucking hot!
God damn it!
God damn it, you tell me
to put a fucking hot thing!
You put a hot thing in my mouth!
It's hot, it's hot!
I should've told you!
I didn't mean to put it in your mouth.
Fucking hot!
I couldn't stop them.
We cannot let this derail our plan.
I'm well aware.
We're so close to creating
a sense of trust in my brand.
Convincing world leaders
to purchase my technology, and then,
we'll have it all.
Can I take a look at that?
You can.
I don't know if you're gonna understand
what's in its pages.
And not because you're a woman!
Because I am a higher being.
Are you okay?
Yeah, I just have a cough.
I hope it's not contagious.
Pretty cool, huh?
You can leave.
Alright, that woman
definitely went back to Samir,
which means Samir knows
where we are right now.
Okay, and we don't know where Samir is,
and we don't know where to find him.
Oh, I'm sorry.
Did I cough too loud and interrupt
your best friends party?
Oh, I'm sorry.
Do you know where Samir is?
Oh, like I would tell someone
who hasn't said a word
about the breakfast I
made them this morning.
What about it?
Okay, the breakfast
was very good, thank you.
I bet you tell that
to all of your hostages.
What is this about?
I put paprika in the eggs, okay?
Oh, okay.
Well the paprika was wonderful, thank you.
Oh, oh, oh, oh...
God, don't be like that.
It's always about you, you, you.
Why is everything about you?
Because I'm me!
What do you want?
Maybe I just want to be thought about.
You know?
Maybe you all chat all day together,
and no one asks, how
are you doing hostage?
How are you thinking about
your dream life in the future?
Okay, well, what if we let you go?
Then will you tell us?
Oh, so you just want me to leave?
Is that how you solve all your problems?
You're so smart, aren't you?
- Oh my God!
- Jesus.
I'm sorry.
I've just never been
someone's hostage before,
and I want to do it right,
and I feel like I'm not doing it right,
and I've just...
Look, you're doing great.
You really are.
- Yeah.
- Yeah.
McGraw and I would both agree,
that you are in the top 63
of all time hostages taken.
Now I know you're lying.
No, no, he means it.
I mean it.
Come on, we've never had a hostage
cook us breakfast, or not scream
when there isn't duck tape in his mouth,
or masturbate me when I'm too sad
to do it myself.
I don't know where Samir is.
But I know someone who might.
Did you fuck his hand?
Did you have sex with his hand?
Penis and or balls in
movies and or TV shows,
you know, I think that's a cause
that everyone can get on board with.
I actually got a petition here
that I've been working
on for that very cause.
You know, getting more wieners in there.
So, I think it's going pretty well so far.
I've got a few signatures,
I've got at least one,
I've got a couple, I've got a lot.
It's going well, if you
want to sign it, it's cool.
I'm on board with that.
You know, it'll make the rounds and stuff.
Maybe get a GoFundMe going for this,
more wieners, please
donate to more wieners.
HIGGS: How do you want to do this?
Oh, I've got just the way.
Tell him he's doing the movie,
or his son's in the grave.
I'm serious, Bill.
Talk to him, yes.
Excuse me.
Excuse me!
I'm on the phone.
Right, look, this will only
take a moment of your time, I promise.
Let me call you back.
Hello, are you the most respected
talent agent in this entire city?
Yeah, you heard correctly.
That's good, that's good,
that's some real good stuff.
Do you want to know why?
Because my boy here here
is a bundle of talent.
This guy is overflowing with it.
This is your son?
Look, we're here from
our home state of Kentucky
trying to break into the acting biz,
and we needed the best
agent on the market,
and also, where's Samir?
Oh, shoot, he figured us out!
God damn it!
Get her ready now!
Where am I?
This time I'll do good cop,
and you'll do woman cop.
Who are you?
Please, please don't hurt me.
I have kids.
That power is in your hands, Barry.
All you've gotta do is answer
a few easy questions for us,
and you're free to go.
What do you have to say about the fact
that according to the UN,
1.7 million newborn deaths
and 250,000 maternal deaths
could've been averted
if proper funding for family planning
and maternal and newborn needs were met?
Huh, Barry?
I didn't do anything!
Well, if you did anything, Barry,
you did your job as a talent manager.
And there's nothing wrong
with doing your job, Barry.
But in 2016, women with full-time jobs
still only earned 77%
of their male counterpart's earnings
according to whitehouse. gov,
what do you have to say about that, Barry?
What do you want?
We want Samir's address.
I can't reveal private
client information.
I'm sure in this case
you're willing to make an exception.
I'm sorry, it's part of the job.
Is part of your job interfering
with a police investigation?
Becoming an accessory to a crime?
Many crimes?
Did you know, that according to the
American Association of University Women,
or AAUW, women just
one year out of college
still earned only 82% of
their similarly educated
and experienced male peers?
Huh, Barry?
Please, I can't!
I have his home address,
but I know he travels a bunch.
He's rarely home, okay?
Let's see how many times
God gives you not to talk now.
Got the address.
Oh, thank God.
I thought I fucked it up.
- Clear.
- Clear.
- Clear.
- Clear.
Welcome to my home.
Just like old times.
Just like old times, you're going down.
What have I done?
Oh, what is this, open mic night
at the Chuckle Hut?
Because that's a bad joke.
I've turned a new leaf.
Please, put your guns down.
I don't have any weapons.
Looks like Robo Op pays well.
It did.
But I stopped taking a salary.
All my money goes to the cause now.
What cause?
My technology can tap into
the brains of the dead,
and transfer their memories,
and personalities through
nanotechnoneurological filaments,
into the host of a robot.
The electrical consciousness is born,
and adapts the downloaded information.
The dead are alive again.
What is this, the Moth Radio Hour
on National Public Radio?
'Cause that story was interesting.
Yeah, I don't believe one word of it.
I don't expect you to believe me
with just words.
But maybe proof will help.
It can't be.
My dead wife?
We did not have your dead wife's brain,
but through electronic communications
and social media feeds,
we were able to build a
consciousness from scratch.
Our computers, through her words,
videos, and Tweets, were able to build
a personality profile.
My dead wife!
This is why I do what I do.
Ah, nice try, Samir!
But we're not buying it.
There's nothing to buy.
This is my gift.
My apology.
What is this, the customer
service department at Wal-Mart?
'Cause we're returning.
Oh, thank you!
I'll take it, I'll take it!
Hey, where the hell are you going?
Where am I going?
I'm going home with my live, dead wife.
He's tricking you!
No, no, no he isn't.
He's laughing maniacally
inside, right now.
We're going home, Higgs.
I cannot believe this.
You know what your problem is?
You're a cop by day,
you're a cop by night,
when are you...
When are you just human?
When the job is done!
For you, the job is never finished.
But for me?
For me, it is.
We're going home, Higgs.
McGraw, McGraw, McGraw, McGraw!
McGraw, McGraw, McGraw!
McGraw, McGraw, McGraw, McGraw,
McGraw, McGraw!
You're so beautiful.
Oh, my lunch.
Oh, crap.
I locked my keys in the car.
My burrito's in there!
Okay, one more time.
I can do it.
I cannot let you be on my dance team.
I can do this, I swear.
No, you can't.
You just don't have the music in you,
and I can't risk you blowing my cover.
No one wants me.
Oh, come on.
That's not true.
Then why am I so alone?
I think there's only one person
who can answer that question.
Your ex-wife.
Are you crazy?
There's no way I can talk to her.
Have you tried?
You think that I can get through to her?
I'm sure you know someone
who can get a message to her.
Yeah, yeah.
And if I could, what would I say?
You'd ask her why you're so alone.
You literally just asked me that.
Yeah, yeah.
And then what?
She'd give you an answer,
and you'd use it to help improve yourself.
Or, you'd ignore her,
things would get worse,
you'd go off the deep end,
and die of a heroin overdose.
It can go either way, really.
There's only one way to find out.
Jesus Christ, what did I just say?
Go talk to your wife.
What, are you crazy?
You think I can talk to her?
Are you even listening?
I feel like I'm talking
myself in circles here.
That's what my ex-wife would say.
I think that's a sign
you should go see her.
Just to make sure,
who do you want me to go see?
Your ex-wife!
Gotcha, right, that's what I thought.
Thank you!
Hey, hey, I'm here.
Yeah, I'm right out...
What do you mean you're in a meeting?
Get out of it!
What am I gonna do in the meantime?
Sight see?
What am I gonna look?
I'll talk to you later.
Don't move.
Hello, Higgs.
It's been a while.
Tell me something I don't know.
I've got this weird rash
on the back of my knee.
I don't have a lot of time.
What do you want?
I have lost everything
that I have ever loved,
and I was wondering if you knew why?
You get so afraid you'll lose someone
that you sabotage it, and you do.
That's why you put so much into this job.
It's the one thing you can't push away.
It must be why I'm so dangerous.
I try to push it away,
and yet I just can't.
If only you had realized that
while we were still married.
You know, one of us had dreams
to have a large family,
and a successful car dealership
in the Tri-State area,
and the other wanted to be president.
I guess only one of us
had our dreams come true.
Madam President, we have to go.
Is everything okay?
Everything's fine.
It's just this Robo Op business.
Robo Op.
You know it?
Samir's operation, right?
More like his shady tech company.
We've been keeping an eye on him
due to some communication
between him and some extremists.
He builds robots.
After seven days, they auto reprogram
and kill anything around.
He tried to sell the technology
to the US government to use as a weapon.
Seven days?
Ma'am, all this information
is literally classified,
and you should not be telling him.
McGraw has had his clone
dead wife for, my God...
I have to be going.
I have to go.
Okay well, I'm just gonna go.
Yeah, I was gonna go that way.
- She has to go.
- Alright, well.
- I have to go.
- Okay.
But I'll go this way.
I'll find a way out of here.
There's a brown line over this way.
Think I'll just, where'd you guys go?
This has been the best week of my life.
I hope you know that.
And I know it's not exactly
a full seven days,
but I feel like I've
been with you not a week,
but an eternity.
I don't want to live
another day without you.
Or a week.
Which to reiterate, is what we are coming
so very close to.
And this alarm signifies
exactly one week together.
Oh, what are you doing?
I love you too.
What did you do?
That's not your dead wife, McGraw.
Samir set a trap to kill you.
You don't know what
you're talking about, Higgs.
My live ex-wife told me.
The President of the United States?
She said that Samir's
operation is no good,
it's a failure,
and he's trying to sell
bad tech to the extremists.
He used your dead wife
to pull you off the case.
But your dead wife is exactly that.
My God.
Now do you believe me?
My dead wife has come back again!
Don't you see?
Samir's whole plan is to clone dead people
who are close to another person, right?
And then that person gets
close to the dead clone,
and then seven days later,
they go berserk and kill them.
Oh, is that what's happening here?
Wait, so a person in power
has a dead person cloned,
that clone lives with them,
they get close to each
other, everything's normal,
they even fall in love again,
and then one week later, it kills them?
Oh my God.
Oh my God, it all makes so much sense now.
It makes perfect sense.
Right up until this point,
this whole thing sorta,
kinda didn't make sense.
There was a lot of things
that didn't make sense.
But now 100% sense.
I can't find a single
hole in this entire thing.
My dead wife!
No, no, no, no, no!
Oh, no!
Ah, hey.
Hey, McGraw, I killed mine!
I killed the shit out of it.
My robot is dead, and I did it.
I'm sorry, I almost got you killed.
It's just, my love for
my dead wife blinded me,
and, you know, I couldn't
see the obvious signs
that those robots were
clearly not my dead wife.
It could've happened to any one of us.
I just miss my dead wife so much, Higgs.
I got you, man.
I think I just need
to keep her in my heart.
But move on, for my own sake.
And maybe I needed to
stop smothering people,
and loosen up a little bit,
and maybe relax.
We're learning so much.
We really found an amazing arc
of making mistakes and learning from them.
So, are you thinking what I'm thinking?
- We find and murder Samir?
- We find and murder Samir?
- Whoa!
- Hey!
That was neat!
- Yeah!
- Yeah!
I love it when that happens.
Oh my God, look what she wrote.
She knew, she knew all along.
Revenge me?
Revenge me?
She wants me to get revenge for her.
She was so smart.
No, I don't think
that's what that means.
What what means?
She wants me to get revenge,
I have to find and murder Samir,
we just said that.
I don't think she's using
the word right though.
I think that this is not
the right word to be using.
What else would I do?
You might avenge her.
That's a cartoon.
No, not Avenger, avenge her.
No, I'm getting revenge, Higgs.
No, but...
We're killing Samir.
That makes sense, I get that.
I don't think that...
I'm getting revenge for
Samir killing my wife.
Why are we arguing?
See, I was thinking
maybe this was not an R,
it was an A, but it does say revenge.
I feel its power.
I have to go to a meeting.
But I thought we were gonna read stories
and drink cocoa?
Well, I'll be back later tonight.
You promise?
Oh, I promise.
This meeting will go exactly as planned,
nothing will happen to me,
and I'll see you tonight.
Hi guys.
You guys want any snacks?
I've got some Gummy Penises.
I've also got like, lollipops,
they're like Ring Pops,
but if they were dicks.
You know, remember Ring Pops?
Ring Pops, if they were wieners.
Does anyone want a water?
Oh, wait.
You know what?
Boop, boop.
Yeah, alright, here we go.
How's your day going?
It's good?
Good day?
That's good.
Mr. and Mrs. Danforth.
It's nice to finally meet
you both face to face.
I trust you will validate
our parking when we leave.
We didn't see a machine,
so we just want to make sure.
Yes, first, I would like a guarantee
from both of you that
my weapons will not be used against me
or any one of my assets.
Let me ask, are you left handed?
Then we're good.
Why is that?
As members of the Alt-Right,
we vow to get rid of
all left handed people.
Some of the worst people on the planet
are left handed.
Barack Obama, Bill Clinton, et cetera.
That's not the Alt-Right's goal.
It is too.
We are the original Alt-Right.
They just got the
website first, that's it.
I was clicking through on, you know,
I couldn't remember the three digit code
on the back of the card.
You're still against Democrats.
But that is where the similarities end.
We're not racists, we
leftists who hate Democrats.
Leftists who hate Democrats.
Pretty clear.
Ronald Reagan was left handed.
(CHUCKLES) That can't be right.
It is, I just read it, it's online.
Well, you can't believe everything
that you read online.
I once read that the Loch Ness Monster
was a boa constrictor,
and we know that that is a monster.
Okay, please, can we
just get along with...
Oh, shit.
He was left handed.
He must've been infiltrating the enemy.
That's right.
He was an actor, it would've been
well within his skillset to do so.
Please, can we just transfer the money?
Thank you.
I just want a driver.
I just don't even want to drive...
How did my robots not kill you?
I had help.
Yeah, from his partner.
From my friend.
It's too late, I've
already gotten my money.
Yeah, but do you have the plans?
Catch him!
I should've killed you years ago
when I had the chance.
Well, you won't get that chance again.
For now, I know the
secrets of the Haj-Mirage.
But no one's studied the ways
of the Haj-Mirage in decades.
If by no one, you mean me, then yes.
No one has studied the
Haj-Mirage in decades.
Woo, come on, come on, come on!
Police officer, row!
Follow that gondola!
Have you had enough?
Your resolve is honorable.
Just like your death won't be!
It's of great magnitude if
you could just step on it,
put wood to water please.
Oh my God, is that a dolphin?
Nah, it's a guy swimming.
I wanted to be a lawyer.
A public defender, actually.
So many people,
so many people don't
have good representation
and get unjust penal...
Oh, hey, can we take a selfie?
Thanks for listening.
I don't get to tell my
backstory that often, you know,
I feel like every time I start talking,
someone just cuts me o...
Hey, is this water salty?
Yeah, it's salty.
I expected more from you, McGraw.
I was concerned the missing pages
from the Haj-Mirage
would hinder my training,
but I was wrong.
Missing pages?
Sir, I don't think you understand
how important is that we
get away from this person.
She is very bad, and very evil.
You don't understand
this, she is after me,
and by proxy, she is now after you.
And if she catches you or I,
she will skin us, and
she will put our bodies
inside of a robot's body,
and we will become robots,
and I don't want that, yeah,
I can't speak for you.
Your hopes and dreams are yours to keep.
Did you foresee this happening?
I did.
Watching you struggle to keep up with me,
only failing, just like
you failed your loved ones.
The ones that cared about you most.
I saw it all, and it was beautiful.
And now I must complete
my vision, by killing you.
You know what they say.
Don't skip leg day.
Anybody who knows anything
about the Haj-Mirage
knows you can't master it
until you've read all the pages.
And I have.
Because my great, great,
great grandfather wrote it.
You're the descendens
of the Stan Haj-Mirage?
You son of a bitch!
You ruin everything!
What are you talking about?
Nearly a decade down the flush!
- Nearly a decade down the flush!
- Who are you?
Who are you?
I am Agent Natalia Natrofski.
I went undercover with Samir
for nearly a decade,
so close to taking him down,
and then you and McGraw got involved,
and I tried to stop you
every step of the way!
My God.
Higgs, Higgs!
Higgs, watch out!
Higgs, Higgs, watch out!
She's right there.
I see Samir didn't kill you.
Ha, he never had a chance,
he didn't know the whole book
of the Haj-Mirage.
You're welcome.
The missing pages from the book
of the Haj-Mirage?
She's FBI.
My God.
And I was so close to taking him down!
If it wasn't for you two loose cannons!
We got the robot plans
safe and secure on their
way to Washington D.C.
Everyone involved in the
plot has been arrested.
And as much as it pains me to say it,
ya'll two, pains in my ass,
are the best two detectives I got.
And first thing tomorrow,
I'm gonna give you ya'll badges back.
Sir, you never took our badges.
Well, who the fuck badges is these?
Well, I don't know, Chief.
But, I mean, we'll take them.
No, fuck that.
Give me the ones you got.
No, no, I like my badge.
Aight, well then, you're
back on the case then.
Chief, we were never off the case.
Yeah, there is no case.
We solved it.
You just said that.
You better get the fuck out my office
before I change my mind!
Change your mind about what?
You want us to stay here or...
Motherfucker, I said get out my office.
So, you heading back
to the forest tomorrow?
Actually, I'm thinking I'll
stick around for a while,
work a few more cases.
I'm sure you've already got a couple
lined us for us, huh?
Actually, I'm thinking about
taking a few days off.