Coronavirus Conspiracy (2021) Movie Script

Jesus Christ.
What the?
What? Oh, fuck. Oh, shit.
Woman: Hey, babe.
What's taking so long?
What's going on?
Where are you?
Are you... Are you safe?
Hmm, yes, I'm safe.
I'm at home.
Where are you?
I'm at home.
I'm... just...
Just come up to the bedroom
and let me out.
I don't know what the fuck is happening.
Wait. What?
Wait. You're...
when did you get home?
I... I have no idea.
You're in the bedroom?
Just come...
can you just come downstairs, please?
I... I...
I can't. I'm...
I'm locked up.
The door is locked?
No, I'm literally chained up.
I'm... I'm locked up with chains.
Just... Just come up and let me out.
Please. Please.
I'm coming.
Okay. Thank you.
Thank you.
where are you?
I'm in the bedroom.
I'm in the bedroom.
No, you're not.
What are you doing right now?
Honestly you had me scared for a second.
Look, is this because the store
didn't have any toilet paper?
Because you know you can just tell me.
I swear everything
I'm telling you is true!
I... I... Stop playing games.
I was out for toilet paper. Exhausting.
I got the toilet paper.
You sound like a crazy person.
And now I'm...
I'm chained to the bed!
I... I think it's our bedroom.
It looks like our bedroom.
I guess I don't know.
I'm fucked.
I'm fucked right now.
I'm... I'm in trouble.
So you're not playing games?
No! I need help.
Okay. Um...
Did you call the police?
No! No.
I-I... I called you first.
I was worried.
Holy shit. Someone's coming.
Oh, shit.
Wait what's happening?
Babe, what's happening?
Um... Babe...
I-I... I love you.
Zookeeper, please put
on your protective gear.
I have money. I can...
Put on your protective gear.
Come on, Zookeeper, put it on.
Like I said.
I have money.
I ca... I can pay!
Okay! Uhh...
I-I don't know what's going on.
There's a virus, Zookeeper.
That's what's going on.
There's a virus.
Yeah, I know that.
Why do you keep calling me Zookeeper?
Okay! Okay.
I know you don't think you have it,
but we need to be sure.
Incubation periods,
asymptomatic carriers,
I guess I can just take it anally.
There we go.
What are you doing with me?
I'm keeping you safe.
For now.
You're at home.
There's a safer at home order.
This isn't my home.
My blanket is red, not purple.
Now you listen to me.
You... here...
in your pajamas,
abducting me,
trying to intimidate me.
You tell me what's happening
right this second
and let me go!
Let me out of these chains,
you coward!
You gutless, spineless...
Welcome to my personal hell, Zookeeper!
How about this, fucker?
Huh, how about this?
Tell me your crimes!
Confess your crimes! What crimes?
I didn't do anything! Confess, Zookeeper!
Confess! Confess!
Confess! Confess!
Why do you keep calling me Zookeeper?
I'm not a zookeeper!
You have the wrong person.
I swear you have the wrong person.
You're not a zookeeper?
Well, I mean, I wasa zookeeper.
But that was back
when I lived in Cincinnati!
I'm not the guy you're looking for!
Oh, we shall see, Zookeeper.
We shall see.
But see right now,
you're in my playground.
And you'll see that your time
here is much more pleasant
if you just follow the rules.
And they're very reasonable rules.
I'm a good guy.
All I want from you is a confession.
You confess.
I'm the Zookeeper.
What are you?
I'm an economist.
You know, I'll just...
have to get the confession
from you later.
But do not... do not betray my trust,
I promise.
I will not betray your trust.
Thank you.
Thank you. Thank you.
Thank you.
but can that go two ways?
What do you mean?
I need a sign of good faith.
A sign of good faith?
You want a sign of
good faith? Okay.
Okay, I'll give you a sign of good faith.
I'll give you a fucking sign
of good faith!
A... A real sign of good faith.
A banana...
is a real sign of good faith.
Can't you loosen these chains?
You know, Let me sit down
somewhere a little more comf...
Or... or lie down?
Well I-I guess you did give me
the swab sample
and I did not have to take anally.
Thank you.
Come downstairs when
you're ready to confess.
Wait. Wait!
Aren't... Aren't you gonna...
Aren't you gonna loosen the chains?
They're off.
Okay. 9-1-1.
Operator: We're sorry.
You have reached a number
that has been disconnected
or is no longer in...
Operator: We're sorry.
You have reached a number
that has been disconnected
or is no longer in service.
Jesus Christ.
What the fuck.
I fucking love that song!
Confession time?
Lunch is keeping warm
in the oven if you want some.
Hey, come here.
Take a look at this meme.
I've been developing it for some time now
and I really think it's gonna change
the course of the war... Hey!
We are still testing your sample.
Is that a children's chemistry set?
take a look at... take...
Look... look at this meme.
What I've discovered is that
you can take any quote
and it becomes ten times funnier
if you say that it was spoken
the day before 9/11.
9/11 jokes aren't funny.
That's serious stuff.
Says the guy hugging toilet
paper like it's his teddy bear.
I need this.
I need this a lot more than you need
to be making memes right now.
It's my job.
I'm a professional.
I thought you said you were an economist.
I'm a meme economist.
That's not a thing.
Then what the fuck am I doing right now?!
Alright just...
come here and just take a look
at this meme, huh?
I used to work for the
Ministry of Propaganda
before I got fired by the Overlords.
Memes are just propaganda.
You know?
Information or misinformation,
or a diversion, you know,
hidden in a joke or a picture.
But I think this is my best meme yet.
Once this hits the masses?
Imagine all those people on the Internet.
All finding quotes.
Helping the war effort?
It's absolutely beautiful.
Are you making those memes
in Microsoft Paint?
You know, you're being
rather judgmental, Zookeeper.
Sure you don't have anything
you wanna confess now?
I confess that memes are stupid.
Memes are civilization's foremost method
of communication.
He who disregards the memes
disregards life itself.
Are you fucking kidding?
You know what?
I think you should make a meme.
Come on.
What do you say?
Tell me what your favorite quote
is and we'll pretend
that it inspired 9/11.
I'm not doing this. Come on, make a meme.
No, this is ridiculous.
Come on make a meme!
What are you saying?
You know.
Look. Hey.
You say you want answers?
You know, you wanna know
what you're doing here?
Do me a favor.
Make a meme.
Make a meme, make a meme,
make a meme, meme, meme.
Make a meme, make a meme,
make a meme, meme, meme.
Make a meme-I swore an oath, okay?
I have a bad history
with them and I swore
I would never make memes.
that is a silly thing...
to make an oath for.
Well I did.
Are you sure...
there isn't something
that you wanna confess?
Come on.
Let's, uh...
Let's look outside.
Look outside.
What do you see?
People? No.
Why? Because everyone's at home.
No one's going anywhere
and no one's doing anything.
Couples should be walking by,
holding hands,
and then waving to us as if to say,
"Hey, everything's okay,"
but everything's not okay.
Everything's fucked.
Murder hornets.
Carole Baskin.
When did everything start
getting fucked, huh?
Doesn't that seem strange to you?
Everything being fucked up all the time?
The world's gonna end.
The world's gonna end.
You realize that, right?
And it's all happening for a reason.
Hey. Hey!
Are you listening to me?
Yeah, I'm listening.
I just...
I don't see what...
memes have to do
with the end of the world.
Go. Move!
I don't think you fucking understand.
This is it.
It's fucking over.
Everything you know and love
is gonna fucking die!
And this battlefield?
It's not a real battlefield some place
with, like, grass and water
and sand and shit.
The battlefield is here.
We are in the midst
of the great meme war.
Memes from all around the world.
All around the galaxy...
the universe...
from every culture and era,
all clashing right now
in one final battle for mankind.
Let me try and take you through it, okay?
You don't give a shit about the Internet.
That's fucking fine.
I don't care.
Go fuck yourself, alright?
But you know who thinks
it's the greatest shit ever?
Yeah? India.
The Planet of Galgalon Prime.
Any fucking shitty third world country
that just got an Internet
connection, alright?
And they're being ushered into
the world of memes, alright?
Without any context
of how to understand it.
We live in the era
of the post-ironic meme.
First there was the classic era,
then there was the ironic era,
and now there's the post-ironic era.
Okay? Where memes don't make
any fucking sense.
Okay. You know.
It doesn't matter
if they're funny or reverent.
It doesn't fucking matter.
As long as it exists it's a fucking meme.
But those third world fuckers?
Who are, like,
logging onto the Internet
for the first fucking time?
Those fucks? Yeah!
See, our post-ironic era
is their classic era.
You know? And they have
no context to understand
where the memes first developed from.
So they're just fucking making memes.
Just going along.
Copying whatever they see.
And they're not making any fucking sense.
And here the weird thing, alright?
Because memes never made
any fucking sense
in the first fucking place!
So how to you tell the good memes
from the shitty third world memes?
You fucking can't!
You can't tell the difference.
No one can! Alright?
No one knows what's happening
or which fucking side they're on.
Do you have any idea how many
fucking people live in India?
You have any idea?
1.3 billion fucking people!
1.3 billion. If each one of them
makes 10 memes every day
for an entire year, you end up with
4.75 trillion fucking memes!
Trillion with a fucking T!
How the fuck do you compete with that?
How do you fucking compete?
You can't!
You can't compete
with fucking India! Fuck!
Those little fucking Bangladesh
little fucking bitches!
Those fucking bitches!
God damn it!
You won't confess for your crimes.
You won't make a fucking meme with me?
If you got drafted
into the great meme war
you would have to make
42.2 memes every fucking day
just for us to maintain
production with fucking India.
Oh, my god.
Oh, my god.
Fuck India.
Fuck you!
Fuck you and fucking India!
If I make a meme...
will you promise to tell me what
the fuck you're talking about?
You'll explain everything?
"Be the change you wish
to see in the world." Gandhi.
September 10th, 2001.
Why am I in a place
that looks like my house?
But I know it's not.
And why is time and reality
bending in front of my eyes?
Wrong question.
And what would the right question be?
You said you wanted to get to
the bottom of everything, right?
You wanna understand everything?
Why don't you let me ask you
some questions, huh?
Where did it all start?
All what?
What do you mean, all what?
A wet market in Wuhan.
I guess, well, you know,
nobody can be certain.
What do you think?
A bio-lab in Wuhan?
You think this was the
Chinese government or something?
That they released this on purpose?
American government?
Come on, Zookeeper.
You're thinking too
short-sighted, you know?
I need you to think bigger.
You know?
Where do you think it all began?
Come on.
All of it.
It was a... a wet market in Wuhan.
Unsanitary conditions.
You know, bats and dogs and pangolins
all shitting on each other and...
And getting cooked in the street.
No! No!
Before that, Zookeeper!
Before that! Look.
Okay, look.
Here's the thing.
I need you to think about
the thing that happened
that everybody
was talking about. Okay?
The crisis that took the world by storm.
Before the virus.
I don't know.
Australian wildfires?
See, you do remember.
The wildfires didn't cause coronavirus.
I didn't say that they caused it.
No. But...
before the wildfires. Right?
What happened before that?
I don't remember.
Yeah, you do.
Come on.
What was the thing?
What was the crisis?
Oh! Uh, World War III.
We were gonna go to war with Iran.
Yeah! See. That's it.
Keep going. Think bigger.
Ukraine? Impeachment? Keep going.
You're saying these things are connected?
Come on! Keep going.
Keep going.
Before that?
The Hong Kong protests.
School shootings.
Jeffrey Epstein killed himself.
No, he didn't.
Of course.
Alright, keep going.
Before that.
Trump's election?
I mean, sure. That was
part of it. Yeah.
Before that, uh...
I don't know.
I mean, things got pretty weird
But ever since then, that's when
the crazy shit
really started picking up.
You're saying that's where this started?
You're not making sense.
You said you would make sense.
It's all Trump's fault?
There was one more thing before Trump.
You really think memes have no relevance?
Think that a meme economist
can't have any insight?
It was the most important meme
of them all.
The meme that ushered the world
into the post-ironic era...
The era that doesn't make any sense.
Stop it with all this meme
bullshit, okay?
It was the flashpoint.
Shut up.
The genesis.
Shut up.
You caused it all, Zookeeper.
Shut the fuck up.
You killed him, didn't you?
I didn't do anything wrong.
It was you.
Let me go.
To my real house.
Not wherever I am now.Confess.
I'm a good person, okay?
I did the right thing!
Confess! Confess!
This is bullshit. Confess! Confess!
Confess! Confess!
Confess! Confess!
Confess! Confess!
I shot Harambe!
I shot him in the fucking head!
I'm the guy!
What the fuck are you talking about?
I started everything?
Trump? The coronavirus?
The shootings? Fuck you!
It's the truth!
I saved a boy's life.
I saved a 3-year-old boy's life.
You should have let him die.
You're an idiot.
You're a stupid fucking asshole idiot!
And I'm leaving.
Lockdown, fuck face.
There's a safer at home order.
That doesn't mean I can't leave!
You can't kidnap somebody just because
there's a safer at home order!
Have you forgotten who has the gun, here?
Fuck you!
And fuck your gun.
I'd rather be shot
in the back of the head
like that piece of shit Harambe
than stay here another god damn second.
Fuck you!
Fuck you!
Fuck you!
Fuck you!
Fuck you!
Fuck you, murderer!
I'm a hero!
That's kid's alive because of me.
Who are you?
Really? Really?
I'm a monkey who was fired
by the monkey Overlords
from the Ministry of Propaganda
and I want revenge.
No. No. You?
You're just a crazy Internet troll
who decided to hunt me down.
Well here's what you should do.
Just accept that I did the right thing.
I did something more
significant and meaningful
than you'll ever do.
Okay. Sure.
So, I guess that means that
you're innocent and free to go.
So fuck off.
Get the fuck out of here.
Don't forget the toilet paper.
It's super important, isn't it?
Shut up.
God damn it!
No, no.
No! Please!
Oh, you think you're so smart, don't you?
You thought you were just,
like, free to go?
The chains came off
and you could just leave?
In this house,
you can go wherever you wanna go,
you can do whatever you wanna do.
But you can't leave.
Not till I'm finished with you.
See, this is my playground.
And I have a rendezvous
with the Overlords.
And I need to tell them that...
that we need to make a deal.
Because I have the Zookeeper.
Hey Overlords.
It's me. Ya boy.
Remember me?
The guy you threw into prison?
Have I got a surprise for you...
Oh, fuck, that's stupid.
Just do it, just do it.
Yeah, they're gonna be happy
to hear from you.
Operator: We're sorry.
You have reached a number
that has been disconnected
or is no longer in service.
What the fuck?
Zookeeper: So he has no idea
I'm able to call you.
Wife: But you can't
call the police?
No. No.
I tried, but it...
My phone just acts like it's
disconnected or something.
Yeah. Wait. Yeah.
Because I've been trying
to call you for hours
and it says that the number
isn't even in service.
So I can call you, but nothing else.
Look, I've been talking to the police
and they're searching.
Okay? So don't worry.
Thanks, babe.
I love you so much.
I love you, too.
There is something else
that the police told me but...
I don't know if you want to hear it.
Hey. Hey.
You know...
You know you can be honest with me.
I know. I know. This is important.
We can't hide things right now.
There are others missing.
Others like who?
Like a bunch of people who
worked at the Cincinnati Zoo.
Like ten of them.
They all went missing over
the last few months and I...
I don't know. I guess that
maybe we were so distracted
with the virus
and stuff that we missed it?
Plus... Plus the toilet paper.
We are all out.
Wait, wait, wait.
So what happened?
I finished it all.
I'm sorry.
The toilet paper.
I finished it.
No, no, no.
My old co-workers.
What happened to them?
Oh! Yeah. Nobody knows.
They're gone.
The police think that
this guy's hunting people
who worked there,
but they don't know why.
I know why.
And he was only hunting one.
Oh, my god. Oh, my god.
Okay, okay.
Umm. Okay.
I promise the police
are looking for the house, okay?
And look, they said that if
it's an exact replica,
then that should
be easy to find. Shit!
I don't know why they haven't
found it yet.
I can't believe this.
Okay, you just went out
for a regular trip to the grocery store.
Now this?
Oh, my god!
You should be here with me right now.
You should be here with me with the...
With the toilet paper.
Yeah. Yeah. I know.
I'm bringing home
this toilet paper to you.
I'm not dropping the ball this time.
Wait. This time?
What does that mean?
No, no, no.
I... I... I mean...
I'm bringing home
the toilet paper to you.
Because it's important.
And this asshole isn't stopping me.
I'm taking action.
You know I can take action, right?
He's such an idiot.
Letting me walk around like this.
I love you, babe.
I love you so much.
More than you can ever know.
I love you too, babe.
You can do this.
God damn it!
Economist: Come on,
you piece of shit phone.
Why don't you call?
Why don't you?
God damn it.
Fuck you.
I want to apologize.
I was, um...
wrong to judge you.
And make fun of your memes.
I'm just a little confused right now
and under a lot of pressure
if you can't tell.
I was upset when you threw
those accusations at me and...
I hope you'll understand it's...
it's not easy to accept fault sometimes.
Well, it's important.
Your test came back negative.
Come here.
Take a look at this meme.
"Beware the Jabberwock," Lewis Carroll.
The day before 9/11.
You don't like Lewis Carroll?
Whatever you're doing, Stop.
Just let me go.
Let me out of here.
I'll shoot you!
It wouldn't be the first time, remember?
You never learn, Zookeeper.
I give you freedom because
you have no power here.
What's going on?
How is any of this possible?
You want another explanation?
We already went down that rabbit hole
and you walked out on me.
This is impossible!
No. Eating your own ass
is impossible.
How do you do that?
You're in a computer simulation, dumbass.
That's not true!
Your gun is a banana now.
Let me out.
I don't...
I don't want to be in here anymore.
Tough shit.
I don't want to be here either.
Then let's leave!
Just go back home.
Back to my wife.
Back to reality.
That's a simulation too!
There is no Earth anymore.
Earth is gone.
H-How? Why?
Data collection. Of what?
Like their own would react to a series
of catastrophic scenarios.
Intelligent species?
Viruses. Terrorist attacks.
Natural disasters.
And guess what?
It's almost over!
They have their information.
They tested every scenario!
Wildfires. Coronavirus.
Meme war.
Boom! Done!
So it's ending? Then...
Then things go back to normal?
Don't you understand?
They don't need you anymore!
They're ending the simulation!
Reformatting the hard drive.
It's over.
I, Donald John Trump...
Grab 'em by the pussy...
Do solemnly swear.
Basket of deplorables.
Racist. Sexist.
I love kids jumping on my lap.
Why did they choose us?
Why did they choose us?
Because I shot a gorilla?
Not any gorilla.
The royal gorilla.
First in line for the throne.
What the fuck!
Our prince was only on earth
as part of a foreign
exchange program,
learning your culture.
He was a Simian of culture!
Shot dead!
An undisputed declaration of war!
So the Overlords took
your planet, destroyed it,
and re-uploaded it
onto a computer server,
along with everyone's
digital consciousness.
You never even knew it happened.
They decided to use your planet
as a testing ground...
Introduce stimuli,
study it, take notes,
like rats in a maze.
And you know what happens
to rats in a maze, don't you?
They're disposed of once
they're no longer useful.
Wait. You're an alien
anda monkey?
My skin right now?
This is just a virtual avatar.
You think I wanna look like this?
Look like you?
You don't look like me.
Of course I do.
All you people look the same.
Jesus Christ.
Jesus Christ?
So you enslave us but pray to our gods?
Jesus Christ was a bonobo ape, you dope,
and you killed him too!
Now, listen to me!
I was the leading meme economist
at the Ministry of Propaganda,
but I couldn't contain
the spread of Harambe memes.
No one could have done it.
It was an impossible task.
The royal family experienced
not just the heartbreaking loss
of their prince,
but complete humiliation on
the interstellar Internet too.
So I was punished.
They sent me here,
to a virtual and isolated prison.
A prison for my mind,
built on the very computer
server now housing humanity.
And honestly?
I don't blame them.
I blame you.
Years I've waited.
Going mad.
Nothing to do and no one to talk to.
And knowing that the eventual
end of the simulation
would mean my end as well.
So with time, I found a way
to hack into the coding
of my virtual prison.
I learned to bend its reality to my will.
I started by spawning food,
a bed, material comforts.
And with time,
my power over this domain grew.
On rare occasions,
I learned to cross over,
and for brief moments,
I could pass into
the larger human simulation.
And I had only one mission...
To find you, Zookeeper.
The man who uprooted my life
and cost me everything.
The man who sent me here
to my own personal hell!
And when I present your digital
consciousness to the Overlords?
Oh, boy. Oh, boy. Oh, boy.
I will earn back my freedom!
So I've been kidnapped
by an alien monkey economist.
On the verge of the apocalypse.
Where my wife, my friends,
and my family are gonna die?
But not me.
And not you yet either,
because I'm using you
as leverage against the Overlords.
In 2016, the Overlords tried to find you,
but the Cincinnati Zoo did
such a good job of hiding you
that they couldn't find you
and they had to give up.
Wait, wait, wait, wait.
You said
I'm not gonna die... yet?
Well, I can't imagine
that the Overlords
are gonna be kind to you
when they get their hands
on you, Zookeeper.
No, no, no. You can't just
hand me over to them.
Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.
I totally can.
You ruined my life.
I won't go.
I won't let you touch me.
Yeah, see, I think you forgot something.
I can, like, make a baseball
bat, like, spawn out of nowhere
into my hands and just beat
the living shit out of you,
so I think you'll go wherever
I tell you to go.
Can't you just...
look into your heart?
Find some forgiveness?
You know how you mentioned
Jesus Christ before?
Well, as far as I'm concerned,
I am awaiting the return
of the one and only savior.
Harambe himself.
And after he returns and tells us
what the meaning of life is,
then and only then,
would I consider
putting our differences aside.
But if I were you, I would not
keep my fingers crossed,
because I don't think he's gonna
be lowering from the heavens
anytime soon to absolve us of our sins.
So, please, you'll have to
excuse me if I don't roll over
and die in this virtual prison
just because
you're throwing yourself
some sort of pity party.
I don't understand.
Don't you control the simulation?
Can't you stop it from ending?
Okay. No.
We are not in the simulation.
We are adjacent to the simulation,
on the same hard drive,
in the prison that I hacked.
Stop trying to negotiate with me.
Zookeeper, you are fucked.
I am meeting with the Overlords
and I am going to make the exchange,
and there is nothing
that you can do about it.
You say this is my fault?
I do.
You know what I think?
I don't.
I think this is your fault.
My fault? You think this is
my... okay. Okay.
Yeah. You and
the stupid Overlords!
One gorilla dies and you
genocide an entire planet?
We needed the data!
Like, we were gonna go to another planet,
but you fucked up.
No, you fucked up.
Aren't you the guy
who's supposed to control
the floodgate of memes?
Mister fucking
meme economist? Huh?
And you're so proud of the prison
that you've seized control over.
Well, tell me this.
How come you weren't afraid of the gun
but you were afraid of the virus?
What's up with that?
It's a computer virus.
Well, your world in here still sucks.
It's state of the art, bitch.
Bugging out.
Bumping into doors and shit
wherever I go?
Fuck you! Alright?
It does its job.
It keeps you isolated.
Oh, does it, now?
Yeah. It does.
Then how come I was able to call my wife?
You can't call your wife.
I know you have that phone.
But you can't use the phone.
The phone doesn't work here.
Go ahead! Call your wife.
The phone does not work!
Motherfucker, I called her twice!
And she's got the police
looking for me and everything,
and I know they're not gonna find me,
but still.
You had no idea.
That... that's not possible.
Oh, yeah?
Well maybe I should
just call her right now, huh?
I said maybe I should call her right now?
The... the firewall's malfunctioning.
All the inputs and outputs are crossing.
The whole code is going haywire!
Wait, what does that mean?
It means some fucked up shit
is happening right now?
Like what?
Like that.
Oh, no.
No, no, no, no, no shit!
What's going on?
I think...
I think the Overlords are reformatting
the hard drive, like, right now.
They're destroying
the whole simulation now?
I have the Zookeeper!
Can you, like, take us out of here?
You know?
Before it all ends, please?
So they're not coming for us?
I have the Zookeeper!
So you never talked to them,
did you?
Shut up.
You couldn't call 'cause
your phone didn't work!
Shut the fuck up!
So you're just gonna die
like the rest of us!
Fuck you!
Just shut up!
That's what you get!
Using a hero like me
as leverage to go free!
While I get tortured
and killed by monkeys!
I ran a diagnostic test.
This is how much time
we have until the world ends.
Now, I need you to call your wife.
What? Why?
The whole simulation is breaking down
and disintegrating until there's nothing.
Okay? You understand that?
That's why you can call
your wife even though I programmed it
so you could not do that.
It's because of the breakdown in the code
that every connection is
falling apart and going haywire.
Now, clearly, some connections
are working and some are not.
That is why I need you to call your wife
so that I can hack into the program
and fill in all the stupid
little fucking holes.
You want to take the call to my wife
and re-route it to the Overlords?
That's right.
That's exactly what I want you to do.
And I want you to do that
before this gets to zero
and everything goes poof.
Why in the hell would I do that?
Why shouldn't I let you die here
with the rest of us?
Call your wife.
Call your wife, Zookeeper!
No! We are running out of time!
Alright? We need to re-route
the connection!
God damn it!
Don't you wanna say goodbye to her?
I want something from you first.
Before I make the call.
I want you to admit to me,
right here, right now,
that everything that's happened...
The extinction of homo sapiens,
the apocalypse,
it's all your fault!
Not mine.
Okay, fucking fine!
I've got her on speed dial.
I mean, of course I do.
She's my wife.
Wife: I'm so scared, baby.
I don't know what's going on.
Things are vanishing around the house
without me touching them.
I keep appearing in random hallways.
I told you.
That's the hard drive
getting reformatted. What does that mean?
I don't understand and I'm scared!
It... It means...
it means you should try to
call your mom and dad.
Say goodbye.
Baby, I love you
so much.
You have no idea.
I wish I could see your face
one more time.
Just to kiss you and love you again.
you wanna what?
Really? Why?
She... She... She wants to talk to you.
So you're that kidnapper...
economist guy?
That's me. Hi.
Can you... Can you just clarify things?
Because I don't understand.
Babe! I already explained
everything to you
exactly how he explained it to me.
No I... I want to hear it from him.
No. I've got this.
I've got this.
Alright? Uh...
simulation, catastrophic scenarios,
data collection, destruction, done.
And I'm gonna die?
Everyone's gonna die?
How could you do this to us?
Babe, that's exactly
what I've been asking.
They're just a bunch of
incompetent, butt-hurt monkeys!
What? No!
You're the bloodthirsty Zookeeper.
No way!
Babe, tell him!
Tell him who's fault this really is!
I... I mean you...
You shot the gorilla.
What? You're actually
taking his side?
The right side.
I'm just saying I don't know.
You should be taking my side!
I don't know!
It might be his fault, sure!
But maybe it's yours!
I mean, have you even considered that?
The world is ending and there
are other people in it
other than you.
Are we really doing this
right now? Really?
I'm not doing anything.
Of course you are!
Oh, I am, am I?
Oh, yeah?
Well, tell me, babe.
Where is my god damn
toilet paper? Hmm?
Too much of a hassle for you?
You just had to go and get kidnapped
while you were out getting
my fucking toilet paper!
I hate you!
I fucking hate you so much!
I hate you too,
you fucking miserable asshole!
You have never brought
anything positive into my life!
That's all I do!
I try to bring positivity into your life.
By... By eating away at my fucking soul?
I hate you.
I hate you!
I fucking hate your fucking stupid face
and I'm so fucking happy
that I never have
to fucking see it again!
You know what?
Hey. You know what?
What's that, my love?
I'm glad you fucked Jeremy!
Let him cradle you in his arms
as you both fucking die!
Oh, yeah? Yeah?
Well I'm glad I fucked Jeremy, too.
Don't you fucking say that!
At least he knows how to
provide for me. Be a man.
Why are you so obsessed
with this toilet paper?
It's insane!
Because I need to wipe my ass!
That's why!
Well, maybe you should just get Jeremy
to wipe your ass for you?
Well, he may as well.
He's been doing plenty to my ass already.
Shut the fuck up!
Shut up!
Is your marriage my fault too?
Shut up!
You know what I'm gonna do?
You know what I'm gonna do, babe?
You have no idea what I'm gonna do.
Fuck the toilet paper!
I can do so much more
than petty little tasks.
I'm gonna make the ultimate
sacrifice for you.
Just to show you how much of a hero
I really am!
Oh. Oh, are you?
Yeah! Yeah.
Economist and I are...
are gonna call the Overlords
to negotiate.
And I'm gonna negotiate that
they keep the simulation going.
Just to take me and torture me
or kill me, or whatever!
But to just let the rest
of humanity live!
You're not Jesus Christ, babe.
You're not dying for my sins.
You're not Harambe either.
Fuck you!
And fuckyou!
I'm gonna save you
and the rest of the Earth!
Because I'm a hero!
That's what I am!
And you're a bitch!
So go choke on Jeremy's cock, bitch!
So you're officially on board
with contacting the Overlords?
Let's just get it over with, okay?
And you really think you can
convince them to, like,
spare the rest of humanity?
It's worth a shot, isn't it?
I have a question. Like,
if you hate your wife so much,
why are you trying to save her?
I just wanna know?
Let's just fucking make the call, okay?
Okay, okay, okay!
That's what I'm trying to do, alright?
But first this is what's gotta happen.
I think I found the hole in the firewall
so I need to reboot
my prison's hard drive
and after I do
that we can start over to see
if the communication
is routed for the new call.
That's what we need.
Reboot it?
Yeah. Yeah.
When I reboot the prison's
hard drive I get to re-write
the code which allows me
to re-set the parameters.
If I re-set the parameters
I get to do whatever I want.
Kinda like how I built
this house for you. Right?
So, alright, let's go.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
You said we can reboot it
with any parameter that we want?
Yeah. Whatever. Why?
What are you getting at?
When you reboot this simulation,
add a parameter for me.
Make it a world where Harambe never died,
and then we'll see how
things would've turned out!
You want me to do that so you can see
what a perfect world would look like!
With, like, flowers and rainbows
and bananas everywhere!
I want to see a world where you
and your species
fuck humanity up the ass anyway.
Because that's what
you guys would've done!
Even if I'd done nothing,
that's what you would've done!
Yeah. Yeah.
Of course. Of course!
You guys are perfect, alright?
I call bullshit!
Then do it!
Let's find out.
You know what your problem is?
You're one of these crazy motherfuckers
who will just find any justification
he can so he doesn't
look like a fucking dick!
Yeah! Yeah, you!
Hey, you know what?
You know, you sit there
after years of fucking ridicule
and years of Harambe memes,
you think you would've, like,
developed a thick skin.
But no.
Just the opposite with you!
You just became stubborn.
Refusing to compromise.
That's what fucking happened to you!
Says the guy who won't test
out my scenario.
I'm a zookeeper.
I did my job.
And did it well.
And you're the guy
who couldn't do his job!
A... A... A so-called meme economist
from the Ministry of Propaganda!
Who let one dead monkey tank his career!
And now looks to blame
everybody else but himself
when he couldn't do his fucking job!
Boot it up.
Or are you just afraid
it'll prove me right?
Fine. Fuck it.
Fuck it. Fuck it.
Fuck it!
Fuck it!
What the shit?
Before I reboot,
I have to clear out the cache.
Oh. Okay.
Is this whole thing
running on Windows XP?
Fucking bullshit.
Stupid-ass motherfucking phone.
God damn it.
It didn't work.
The phone call to the Overlords
still didn't fucking go through!
Call your wife.
I'm gonna hack back
into the code, alright?
What are you doing?
Where are you going?
Yo. Hey, hey!
Where you going?
Where you going?!
I want to see what this world is like!
Is this better or worse
than the other reality?
Probably better.
Harambe's alive now.
It can't be.
It can't be.
It's paradise.
You could've had a perfect
and peaceful utopia.
I bet you and your wife would've
still been in love, too.
Right? But no.
You just had to go along
and you had to kill our prince, right?
That's great.
That's great.
So, the end of the world wasyour fault.
Now, I need you to call your wife,
get on the phone, so I can go back
and hack into the code, and
possibly reroute this call
that I've been trying to do
Do it!
Hello? Hey, babe, it's me.
Whoa. Uh, hey.
I'm sorry I blew up at you
about Jeremy and all that other stuff.
But I am still working on saving you.
I may not like you,
but there's more at stake here.
What the fuck are you talking about?
Listen, why are you calling me
after all these years?
Okay, I'm not gonna give you
any more money.
Hey! Hey.
Hey, hey, hey.
Say... Say that again.
Wife: Say what again?
Uh, just, uh, uh... how's Jeremy?
I don't know who the hell
you're talking about.
Are you drunk?
I'm married to Jeff now.
Wait. Jeff?
Jeff, as in tennis-instructor Jeff?
You can't call me like this!
The restraining order is still in place.
You're not my wife, are you?
You changed the code.
And this is how my marriage
would've gone.
Still fucked up.
God, I fucking hate you.
I fucking hate you, too!
Is your chip malfunctioning?
My what? Your chip.
The Phil administration
just put out a statement.
If your chip's malfunctioning,
you can get it fixed at the DMV.
Wait, wait, wait!
What administration?
Could you please say that again?
The Phil administration.
Wait. Who is this?
Who is the president?
Is that your boyfriend?
Hold on. Am I gay
in this timeline?
Who is the president?!
Who is the president?!
Calm down!
Who do you think?
Dr. Phil.
Jesus fucking Christ.
Does your boyfriend not know
who the president is?
You two realize it's against the law
not to update
your microchip implants, right?
what do you know?
President Dr. Phil created
a surveillance state.
That... That... That...
That doesn't mean that...
Doesn't mean what?
That I was right?
That I... our world would've been fucked
for data collection anyway?
You don't know that!
You know?
It's very possible that a bunch
of people really voted...
For Dr. Phil?
For president?
I don't know.
That sounds like some simulated
catastrophic-scenario bullshit to me!
But let's find out!
L-L-Let's check the Internet.
Let's see what else we had going on
in current events
from the last few years.
Right? Let's see!
You see? You see?
Fuck this, okay?
No, fuck it. Fuck it!
Fucking bullshit!
So, what do you think happened
in that timeline, huh?
The royal gorilla crashed
his car in a tunnel in Paris,
and your species wanted revenge
against the tunnel?
It doesn't make sense.
You know, it just...
It just fucking doesn't make sense!
I bet you still got fired
in that timeline, too.
Sent to virtual prison.
Hey, fuck you!
Fuck you!
Let's just make the call to the Overlords
so I can save my bitch fucking wife.
That's what I'm fucking doing, asshole.
I'm rebooting!
But this time, a new scenario
with new parameters.
What you got this time?
More brilliant ideas?
I'm setting up a scenario
where I successfully controlled
the floodgate of memes,
stayed in my job
at the Ministry of Propaganda,
while humans were left totally
isolated to fuck themselves!
You're creating the perfect scenario.
You realize that?
Finally, a world where humanity
can come together
and solve our ownproblems.
Babe, who are you fucking?
Who's Vladimir?
Hey, you!
Hey, you!
Who's the president? What?
Who's the fucking president
of the United States?!
Who the hell do you think?
Kid Rock.
Ugh. Ew.
No. 9/11.
Yeah, 9/11.
Why are you so obsessed with 9/11?
Because its proof that humans
are the worst,
and there was no simian
interference at all.
Monkeys couldn't do 9/11.
Monkeys could've done 9/11 twice!
But we wouldn't, because
we're not fucking assholes!
Oh, yeah?!
Well, why don't you create a scenario
where monkeys did do 9/11?
Oh, yeah?
Let's do this!
Who's the president?
Ni yiwi shi shi?
Is that French?
I told you we could do it twice!
But who's the president?
Aw, come on, what the fuck?! Fuck!
You know what I want?
I want to see a world
where 9/11 never happened at all!
What's that gonna prove?
9/11 wasn't the flashpoint for
everything wrong with humanity!
You wanna bet?!
Economist: You are
such a fucking puss!
Fight me like a man!
Son of a... I will fucking crush you!
See, your species wanted to
evolve to be more like us.
More like de-evolution!
Well, how about a scenario where...
Where... Where what?!
Where humans didn't crash
their own economy in 2008.
How about that?!
Uh, uh, uh, uh, ugh...
What you gonna do?
Aaah! Aah.
Fuck these bananas!
How about a world
without Hurricane Katrina?
Fucking eat the banana!
Eat it!
No Waco.
Waco never happened.
No Waco!
Fuck you!
What if Hitler got into art school?
What if America was never founded?
Fuck you!
Both: The national anthem
is "Ram Ranch"?
Aaah! Aaah!
I'd love to shit on you
and let flies cover you
and coat you with honey!
Shit, you fuckin' pea-brain.
You motherfucking stupid
motherfucking son
of a bitch pussy wiping-ass fuck!
You stupid fucking asshole!
Yeah, you're a little ape with a...
Oh, yeah, you've got a big cock, huh?
How about you let
your little red thing come out?
I know what apes do!
You throw your shit at people!
How about rubbing it...
What if Jesus Christ was never crucified?
No. No, no.
What if the asteroid
never killed the dinosaurs?
What... Oh, what...
What if the big bang never happened?
No. Wait.
Wait, weren't...
Weren't we trying to do something?
Before we made all the scenarios,
wasn't there something important
we were trying to do?
I... I don't... I don't think so.
Both: Oh, shit!
God damn it, this is all
your fault for distracting me!
It's your fault!
Obviously, you didn't care enough
to pay attention to the clock!
Oh, really?
Well, I can reboot a new scenario
and prove it's your fault.
Oh, yeah?
My lord.
My savior.
You've returned.
How did I not realize?
When we rebooted, we created a scenario
where you were still alive!
And we awoke your digital
consciousness, didn't we?
My beautiful children.
It's like no matter what you do,
no matter how many times
you change history,
it still doesn't change the fact
that it is yourselves
who need the fixing.
I did everything right!
It... It was him.
He... He screwed up everything!
Harambe, please.
Tell me what to do.
The simulation's about to end.
And the Overlords, I can't contact them.
Well, first off, you can quit
being a dumb fuck.
You too. You shot me
in the fucking head.
Hah. Please.
Just... Just impart your wisdom
upon us, oh, great one.
Even if I did, you wouldn't
do anything with it.
Yeah... Yes, we would.
All you do is yell at each other
and blame each other
for everything.
In fact, I've been forced to sit here
and watch each and every goddamn scenario
you guys just played out,
and I'm going fucking bananas.
Do you not see the futility
of placing blame
in the face of destruction?
But of course, it's much more fun to die
being correct than live being wrong.
The solutions to all your problems
could literally be right in front of you,
and you'd just call each other cunts
and feel accomplished.
Anyways, goodbye.
Uh, wait, wait.
Where are you going?
My child, I'm going to kill myself again.
You think I wanna be stuck
in here with you two assholes?
But, Harambe!
Think of all the good...
Economist, I'm sorry.
No, I'msorry.
I know who's fault this really is.
So do I.
It's Harambe!
Fuck him!
That fucker! He's such a fucker!
This is all his fucking fault!
You know that?
I mean, he didn't even tell us
the meaning of life, right?
Yeah, and if he were here right now,
I'd fucking tell himsomething!
I don't know why he had to
talk that way to me!
Yeah! Fuck... talk down at us
like a fucker!
That's exactly what I'm saying.
A dick.
You know, I have an idea of what
we could do to get back at him.
So do I.
Oh, hey. Look.
The Overlords are calling.
Oh, no shit?
Oh, hey, Overlords!
Hey, it's the Economist.
How's it hangin'?
Wife: Hello?
Hey, babe.
It's me.
Oh, thank God.
Where have you been?
You know, I've been going crazy.
I'm, like... I'm, like,
sick to my stomach.
I mean, you call me, you tell me
that the world is ending, then sucker me
into a fight about Jeremy.
And then you hang up and then disappear!
Oh, okay. Good!
It's the real version of you.
What are you talking about?
And why on Earth do you sound so happy?
We are all about to die!
No, no! We...
We fixed it!
Yeah, the world isn't ending anymore.
Hey, yeah, it's your boy the Economist!
Yeah, he's telling the truth.
What the fuck are you guys talking about?
I just spent the last three hours crying,
throwing up.
I barely managed to call my mum
and dad to say goodbye.
Well, call them back and say un-goodbye.
Yeah! No.
It's all good.
What the fuck?
Wait. How? How?
We brought Harambe back to life.
We did it by accident.
But we brought him back digitally.
And then he killed himself.
So we brought him back again,
but this time with no arms,
so he couldn't blow his brains out!
And then we took
his digital consciousness
and we handed him over to the Overlords,
and he took him out of this
prison and put him into theirs!
And they were so happy.
Oh, God, they were so happy.
They couldn't believe they
didn't think of it themselves.
And now they're not ending
the simulation anymore.
As a reward!
I fucking told you I could do it.
Wait. Really?
You actually fixed something, for once?
Oh! And...
And they gave me my old job back!
Well, actually they gave me a promotion.
They made me a general.
A general for what?
The great meme war!
You'll hear about it.
And get this!
The simulation?
They're completely retooling it.
Instead of one simulation
for 7.5 billion minds,
they're gonna have
7.4 billion simulations.
One for each of us! Yeah!
And they're basing them off
the programming from my prison.
And the best part is,
is that everyone's prison
will be tailored just for them.
In everyone's prison, they'll be right
about everything 100% of the time.
None of our problems
will be our own fault!
It's perfect!
Humans and simians
living in perfect harmony.
Except for the great meme war.
Are you... Are you still there?
Yeah. Yeah.
I... I'm still here.
I just, um... Well, it sounds like
you didn't actually solve anything.
You just stumbled onto a solution
by pure dumb luck.
And, like, did you even ask the Overlords
to stop introducing crazy stimuli?
To stop experimenting on us
and studying us
like we're rats?
Of course we did.
Goodbye, cunt.