Corporate Animals (2019) Movie Script
[music playing]
[sizzling]
LUCY: Food is more
than just fuel.
It's sharing, it's conversation,it's hello and goodbye.
It's giving and receiving.
It's a prayer.
It's what we dream of
and everything we fear.
Food is where we come
from and it's what
we'll all eventually become.
But too much food creates waste.
Waste is destroying our world.
Environmentalists agree thatdisposable plastic cutlery
is the single greatest
threat to our planet.
I'm Lucy Vanderton,
and I created
Incredible Edible
Cutlery to bring
an end to that destruction.
We all know you can'teat food without cutlery.
But now, you can eat
cutlery without food.
Incredible Edible Cutlery isa vision for mankind's future.
As an ethnically diversefemale-led company innovating
in a white male-dominatedworld, we reflect that future,
our mission to rid the planetof disposable plastic cutlery
and save the world
one bite at a time.
[crunch]
OK, this is bullshit.
Well, I think it's inspiring.
You're positive and
you're uplifting.
And naive and stupid.
And-- and please, that
family was fake as fuck.
OK, yeah.
I'll redo it.
Listen, do you
remember the first thing
I said to you at Tufts?
That I saw a beautiful,
intelligent black woman
who has the potential tobe the Beyonce of business.
That's why I agreed
to mentor you.
I want that person back, Jess.
Listen to the Beyonce
inside you, girlfriend.
[music playing]
All right, listen up
Incredible Eatibles.
Edibles, Incredible Edibles.
Agree to disagree, but
you're paying the bills.
Welcome to Brandon's
Outdoor Experience.
Are you ready for the ultimateteam-building challenge?
It's called Ball Quest.
[groaning]
You guys can do this.
You're all working as a unit.
[groaning]
The ball's your enemy.
[groaning]
Don't let that
piece of shit win.
Motherfucker.
It's too heavy.
We can't move this.
If we all push it together,do you think maybe we can?
How do we get
it on the podium?
Excuse me, sir.
Are we allowed to put
the podium on its side.
I can't tell you how to do it.
That'd be cheating, right?
Hey, we're not
trying to cheat.
We just want to clarifywhat we can and cannot do.
Come on, people.
Figure it out.
Think team.
Aidan, go lay
down in front of it.
We'll use you as a ramp.
That's fine with me, I guess.
Wait.
Hey, stop.
Don't lay down.
He's fucking with you.
Oh.
You almost got me there.
OK.
What we need to do is usethese two poles as a railroad
so we can roll the ballthingy up unto the thing.
OK, yeah.
And then use the ropes
as a pulley system
to get the ball on
top of the rails.
This is not fun at all.
It's not supposed to be fun.
OK, well it's working.
It's not moving.
Pull it harder.
Wait.
Use a pole as a lever.
Yeah, that's a good idea.
But we only have two poles.
Right.
And we need both the poles tomake the actual train tracks.
Jess, let's just forgetabout the railroad tracks, OK?
Let's just focus on movingthe ball toward the podium.
We'll worry about getting
it up when we get there.
[groaning]
[crunch]
Oh, shit.
What?
[screaming]
[groaning]
[cracks]
Oh, gosh darn it, that--
that really hurt.
My leg.
Nice work, FT.
We have to try
and move it somehow.
Have you got another
pole, like a metal one?
I want to say
that I'm mad, but I
am severely disappointed
in every one of you,
especially you, Jess.
I'm embarrassed.
I'm sorry.
Lucy, I was--
I was trying.
AIDAN: Oh, gosh darn it.
We were having so much fun.
[music playing]
[engine revving]
[snapshots]
Oh damn, it's hot.
Hey, psst.
Lucy giving you
a hard time, huh?
It comes with the territory.
You are the hate sponge.
The what?
The hate sponge,
the punching bag.
I was the hate sponge for theyears until you came along.
My advice is, soak it in.
And if you ever
get any feelings,
just push them down with
booze and video games.
You'll find that life getseasier soon, very soon.
Did you just try to wink at me?
I did wink at you.
Yikes, why?
OK.
Keep this to yourself,
but very soon, I'm
going to be taking on the brandnew role of vice president,
and you'll take my place
as number one assistant,
and Lucy's going to hire
a brand new hate sponge,
so it's all good.
OK.
Well, I hate to break
it to you, but Lucy's
appointing me vice president.
What?
Yeah, man.
[music playing]
No, that's not--
Yeah, it is.
No, I don't--
I don't think so.
All right, gang.
Let's circle up right here.
Pretty spectacular, huh?
Every once in a while, mothernature likes to strip for us,
just show us how sexy she is.
I know it looks daunting,but don't worry.
It's an easy hike down.
We're going to track alongthis ridge and down the canyon.
Where does this go?
Oh, don't worry about that.
That's the advanced route.
No offense, but I don't
think this group is 100%
ready for the advanced route.
[chuckling]
Yeah.
Nope.
No, we're doing the advanced.
[chuckling]
BRANDON: Seriously?
LUCY: Yeah.
I can't recommend more
strongly that this group
takes the beginner route.
That's an advanced
cave system that's
for experienced spelunkers.
Look, if we can navigate theadvanced route of the deepest
cave systems of
New Mexico, then we
can navigate the challenges oftoday's business environment.
The only way for
a muscle to grow
is to have something
to push against,
and we all know that thebiggest muscle in the body
is the brain.
Nope.
This is the
perfect opportunity
for the brain to grow.
Let's get to it.
Come on!
Well, checks cleared.
You guys signed your releases.
Let's go bone some stone.
Rappelling.
SUZY: We're
rappelling down there?
Well, look, you
are all more than
welcome to opt out and havea lovely time by yourself
on the bus thinking
about the new direction
your career might be going.
All right, everybody.
Listen up.
Now, the number one rule thatyou must follow at all times
is do whatever the fuck Isay the second I say it.
That's probably the
most important thing.
Now, on top of that, I'm goingto go over a couple of dos
and do not dos.
Do keep your helmet on
your head at all times.
Do not consume alcohol
or illegal drugs
before entering the cave.
Do be vigilant.
Keep your eyes peeled
for spiders, scorpions,
or poisonous snakes,because they are abundant,
and they are trying to
kill you at all times.
Now, if we're lucky, we mayencounter some cave paintings.
These are from the AcamaTribe of first Americans.
Do not touch the cave paintings.
And always remember,
they were here first.
Lucy, what have you got?
I am actually 1/64
Acama, so if any of you
want to touch or
examine the paintings,
then just clear
it with me first.
I'll be assuming the
role of tribal elder
for the duration of the trip.
Cool.
Let's do this.
SUZY: There's really no stairs?
BRANDON: Where do you
want the stair on?
AIDAN: Hey, guys.
I think I'm stuck.
Just for the record,
I'm definitely getting
the vice president position.
OK.
Well, for the record,
Lucy and I have already
discussed my new role as vicepresident in great detail
for the last two months, so--
OK.
Well, I've been at the companyway longer than you, OK?
Why would Lucy
promote you over me?
Three words.
OK.
Master of Business
Administration.
That's four
words, including of.
Isn't counting-- correct
me if I'm wrong--
a valuable business skill?
Yeah, it is, but of
doesn't count as a word.
It's like the.
Nobody gives a shit
about those two words.
I can't do this.
I really can't do this, Lucy.
You can do this.
I know what you're capable of.
Look, are you a woman
who runs with wolves?
Are you?
I think I'm more the womanwho runs away from wolves,
because they can smell my fear.- Not anymore.
Not anymore.
They get off on it.
I'm going to die.
Look, I believe in you.
Why?
So you have to believe in you.
Otherwise, you're saying I'mwrong about who I believe in,
and-- and I don't thinkyou're saying that, are you?
Not intentionally.
, No no.
You're still on
the edible cutlery,
whereas I'm all over thebrand-new exciting project, OK?
What does that tell you?
I wouldn't exactlycall Vanderton University
a brand-new exciting project.
We've actually rebranded asthe Vanderton Wealth institute,
but you wouldn't know
that, because you
weren't in the meetings.
Yeah, because those
meetings are dumb,
and it's just busy work for you.
We get free coffee.
You see that there?
Hey, quick question.
I got a call from my
transport team on Friday
and they said that our
quarterly check bounced.
That's weird.
Did you call Medfirst?
Yeah, I did.
Tanner said that
we're overdrawn.
That shouldn't be happening.
I'll look into it.
OK.
You know, if running
the accounts department
is getting to be too much foryou, you can just let me know.
I'm fine.
OK.
Well, if not, you can
always talk to me.
I'm available during
business hours.
Thanks.
That's very generous of you.
DEREK: I think I felt some rain.
Oh, that's pretty scary, huh?
You don't want to
piss your pants.
I don't think the girls downhere would like that very much.
Hey, come on, man.
Don't go ragging on the intern.
Aidan pissed his
pants one single time.
Surely you should
be able to move on.
Great banter, guys.
You're making me laugh.
I don't think I can.
Please.
Yes, you can.
Brandon!
And now is the time, OK?
You just need to nut upand put that pussy into it.
Now, follow my lead.
You.
Woo!
GLORIA: Our insurance
does not cover this.
BRANDON: Lamps on.
FREDDIE: Lights on?
Oh my god.
LUCY: Get your light on.
[grunting]
What's happening?
I think I'm having
a panic attack.
LUCY: No, you're not.
Yes, I am.
No, you're not.
Your panic attack
is not authorized.
I can't be doing this.
I hate it.
Lucy, I hate it.
BRANDON: That a girl.
Keep pumping those elbows.
I think my fricking
knee's dinged up.
BRANDON: No pressure, butmaybe hurry up a little.
LUCY: It's all right.
Keep going.
BRANDON: Looking
good, looking good.
LUCY: Less than six feet.
BRANDON: Yeah, you got this.
SUZY: I'm so scared.
BRANDON: Yeah, but look cute.
Don't worry about it.
LUCY: There you go.
BRANDON: All right.
That a girl.
Good job, good job.
All right.
Now, that wasn't so bad, was it?
I guess I'm alive.
Exactly, and you probably feelmore alive than you ever have,
right?
Uh-huh.
Yeah, you do.
You did it.
Guys, come on.
We made it.
We made it as a team.
Teamwork makes the
dream work, right?
Makes the dream work, yeah.
Come on.
[cheering]
All right, listen up.
I'm going to ask
you to do something.
This might sound
a little far out,
but just go with me, all right?
Turn your head lamps off.
[snapping]
[gasps]
Oh my god.
Oh, oh my god.
That never gets old.
LUCY: Glorious.
Wow.
BRANDON: Pretty
spectacular, right?
GLORIA: Incredible.
Yeah, good.
OK.
Welcome to Cathedral Cavern.
This is pretty much
the crown jewel
of this entire cave system.
The great state of New Mexicowas kind enough to rig it up
with some auxiliary
battery lighting
so you can really
feel the full effect.
Spectacular.
[sniffing]
Namaste.
Feel free to explore, lookaround, enjoy yourselves.
I'll be sitting overthere eating a Clementine.
Hey, guys, it's
an Acoma painting.
It's Acama.
Acama?
[humming]
So you can read all this?
LUCY: Yeah, somewhat.
Hey.
OK.
So I guess she offered
us both the position.
She's playing us by danglingthe same carrot, a carrot
the both of us can't eat.
It's manipulative, it's
petty, it's deceitful,
it's disrespectful.
It's a classic Lucy.
I guess she has to
keep us hungry to keep
the company afloat.
Wait, what do you mean afloat?
Shit.
OK, keep this on the DL, OK?
Down low.
Yeah, I know what that is.
Don't let it come upto the surface, down low.
I understand what that is.
OK.
Vanderton University hasbeen a complete disaster.
It's been hemorrhaging
money for months.
I keep telling her to shutit down to save the company,
but she won't listen.
Look at this.
Put your hand right there.
Are you sure it's not
a curse or something?
Yes, yes.
No.
Look.
Feel that.
Oh.
Dammit.
I guess it's hard to sell abusiness based on a personality
when it's your personality.
Oh, yeah, because she sucks.
Yeah, big time.
[quaking]
[shouting]
What the fuck just happened?
That was a geologic incident.
What?
Yeah, a little
tectonic tremor.
In English.
Earthquake?
Oh my god.
So what-- what do we do?
[music playing]
[thud]
[screaming]
LUCY: Oh, shit.
[screaming]
Shouldn't you go
last, not first?
Yeah, but no, because Ishould really go first check
the tunnel integrity, right?
Wait, wait, wait.
You can't leave us here!
See, it's so narrow.
I can't turn around
at this point.
You don't need to turn around.
Just crawl back.
It's probably best foreverybody if I just get out,
you know?
See you guys on the other side.
No.
[quaking]
[shouting]
Shit.
You know what?
I'm going to back out.
Get out.
BILLY: Yeah, come on, man.BRANDON: It's the best thing.
I'm just going to--
[clattering]
[screaming]
[boom]
Brandon?
Are you OK?
You all right, Brandon?
Brandon?
OK, he's not breathing.
Oh, god.
Oh, Jesus.
Hey, hey, I'm CPR trained.
Yep, he's dead.
Oh my god.
Oh my god.
Oh my god.
Oh my god.
No, no, no.
No.
Does anyone's phone work?
There's no service.
All right, we got
to get out of here.
Look at the cracks.
There's something in the cracks.
Maybe you could
still make it through.
[grunting]
It's rocks.
You can't dig through that.
There's probably anetwork of Acama tunnels.
I mean, that-- that'ssomething that we would do.
Maybe there's a
door, like a cave door.
There's a tunnel.
There's a tunnel.
Yeah, but it's
going the wrong way.
A tunnel going down isbetter than no tunnel at all.
Right, guys?
No.
We're fucked.
There's nothing.
There's nothing.
We are so totally,
totally fucked.
Help!
Help!
Hey, hey, hey, oh, oh.
[screaming]
[thuds]
Hey, hey.
Help!
Stop it.
You're going to cause
another cave-in.
Everything always
happens to me.
We're trapped.
We're all going
to die down here.
We are going to die, huh?
Billy.
We are all trapped and we aregoing to fucking die down here.
Billy.
[slaps]
Oh.
Ow.
Advanced.
Why do you just say we hadto do the fucking advanced?
[thud]
There's nothing.
There's no way out.
At least our families won'thave to pay for our funerals,
seeing how we've already
been buried alive.
OK, people.
I think that the situationis under control.
How'd do you work that out?
It's only a matter ofhours before we get rescued.
I mean, I personally
put in the caving permit
with a completeitinerary in that dropbox
at the ranger station.
So let's just relax,
enjoy the adventure.
It's a perfectteam-building opportunity.
It's like our own
private escape room.
We do need to make
the most of our space,
so this area should be thedesignated toilet zone.
And I'm thinking that
this area over here
should be our private zone forpersonal reflection, you know?
Much like the interfaith
area at the airport.
Most importantly, we need tomanage our resources carefully.
I've done a complete inventoryof our food supplies,
and it consists of a samplebox of Edible Cutlery
that Aidan brought with him.
You brought a box
of product samples?
Yeah.
I always keep a
set in my backpack.
You never know
when you might need
some cutlery that you can eat.
Aidan's dedication
to the flagship product
should be seen as aninspiration and a life-saving
example to us all.
Aidan.
Yeah.
If you don't have
gum for all of us,
then you should just spit that.
What?
Give it to me.
Good boy.
OK.
Hydration-wise, we havethese few bottles of water
and Billy's CamelBak.
No.
This is private property.
Why should I be penalized justbecause I'm the only one who
properly prepared?
This excursion is fully fundedby Incredible Edible Cutlery,
so all of the equipment,
including your CamelBak,
is company property.
Oh, no, it's not.
Just hand over the
goddamn CamelBak.
This is bullshit.
OK, please pass
these potato forks.
Take one prong each.
Just one prong?
At least break out the spoons?
No spoons.
Forks, one prong, and I'llexpect those handles back.
I know it's not
all about me, but I
really feel like my leg mayneed some kind of treatment.
Just keep the wound cleanand watch out for numbness
or a foul-smelling discharge.
Those are the first
signs of gangrene.
Gangrene?
LUCY: OK.
Oh my god.
I am going to try
and get some sleep.
Wake me up when the
rescuers get here.
Hey, you want to
generate a little heat?
No.
LUCY: Billy, you're
on light duty.
Yeah.
How about you?
You want to--
[clears throat]
[grunts]
[music playing]
LUCY [VOICEOVER]:
In this chapter,
you'll learn to be aVanderton visionary using
the three C's,confidence, collaboration,
and above all captaincy.
[gunfire]
[grunting]
Ow.
Fuck!
WOMAN 1: Aidan.
Aidan.
Who is it?
Britney?
Is it Britney, bitch?
BRITNEY SPEARS: Yes,
it's me, Britney Spears.
Stay strong, Aidan.
I'm coming to save you.
Oh.
Hi, Suzy.
Hi.
Do you mind if I--
oh yeah, Suzy.
Yeah.
[moaning]
SUZY: Can you call me Suzanne?
MAY: Suzanne.
[moaning]
Gently, oh.
They've been going
at it all night.
I didn't realize Suzy
and May were a couple.
They're not.
At least, they weren't.
But I guess the possibilityof imminent death
makes you super horny.
Yeah.
Who's this?
Is this your white dad?
Seriously?
You don't recognize him?
It's Gary Sinise
from CSI New York.
Right.
He's, like, kind of
a big deal for you?
Yeah.
On CSI, Gary treats
his team like a family,
and, like, they always
care for each other
and have each other's back.
And, you know, I thought Ifound it when I quit school
and joined the company, so--
Wow.
That's either the most
pathetic thing I've
ever heard of the most tragic.
FREDDIE: Ouch.
JESS: Yeah.
Wow, sorry.
That-- that came
out really harsh.
FREDDIE: That's
fine, we're hungry.
JESS: Yeah.
[moaning]
FREDDIE: I mean, I guessgood luck to them, right?
JESS: Yeah.
Freddie.
Freddie.
Freddie.
Hi.
Hi.
What's up?
I just wanted to see if youneeded some help with sleeping.
I mean, silk sheets would benice, or any kind of sheets.
I have a great way
to help you to sleep.
[zipping]
Oh, no.
What do you mean no?
I just mean no.
We've taken this whole thingfar enough, don't you think?
Well, no, not really.
I mean, you've
never eaten me out
while I've given you a rim job.
I don't even thinkthat's physically possible.
Well, certainly not
with that attitude.
OK, well, I've made aunilateral decision to stop.
Well, you can't.
Well, I have.
Well, I haven't
granted you unilateral
decision-making powers.
I don't need you
to grant them to me.
I already have them.
It's called being an
independent adult.
[chuckling]
What's so funny?
What's so funny?
When have you ever had
an independent adult?
Since forever.
Freddie, Freddie.
Come on.
You would be lost without me.
Everything you know is from me.
I taught you how to fuck.
I didn't learn how
to fuck from you.
I learned how to fuck from porn.
[thud]
[music playing]
I'm hungry.
I need ibuprofen.
I can feel my lupus flaring up.
Where the hell are they?
Look, they're diggingthrough meters of solid rock.
It's going to take
a little while.
If they're drilling sohard, why can't we hear them?
[music - "happy birthday"]
[SINGING] Happy
birthday to you.
Happy birthday to you.
Happy birthday dear Gloria.
Happy birthday to you.
GLORIA: Thank you so much.
LUCY: OK, make a wish.
Oh.
Yay.
Woo.
[applause]
Well?
What did you wish for?
I hope it was to get us rescued.
Well, if I tell you
what I wished for,
that means it won't come true.
You wished for somethingelse, didn't you?
Like a new husband,
or I don't know,
some other ridiculous bullshit.
It's Gloria's wish.
Well, she's down
here on my dollar,
so I demand a veto
on all wishes.
I'll tell you
when I wished for.
I wished for a boss whowasn't a total fucking bitch.
I asked her for a dollarbill to go to the bathroom
and she said no.
You wouldn't give her a dollarbill so she could wipe herself?
If I had known it
was your birthday,
I would have given you mylast couple of singles,
but I'm keeping the hundreds.
No one is wiping theirass on a $100 bill but me.
I can tell you why shewant to keep her hundreds.
It's because it's all the
money that she has left.
And by she, I mean we.
Shut up.
Oh, shut up and not telleverybody about the fact
that you've virtually bankruptedus, thanks to your weird ego
trip online business venture?
It's true.
Vanderton University.
Vanderton Wealth Institute?
Whatever you want to call it,it's lost us over 500 grand.
Oh my god.
That's the reason
the accounts are empty?
What do you mean empty?
I mean empty.
Empty of money?
That's the main thing
they're empty of, yes.
My money?
All our fucking money, dude.
Well, what about
the stock options?
They're worthless.
God dammit, guys.
I just bought a dirt bike.
Look, we're all
in this together.
No, we're not.
I'm not even
supposed to be here.
I was going to quit on Monday.
I can't believe this shit.
I was doing this
for all of us.
If the company is
in trouble, it's
because of yourincompetence and laziness.
It was your lack ofcommunication and work ethic
that got us in this mess.
You don't listen to
a single thing we say.
You don't let us make
a single decision.
Lucy, why should we workhard for you when you steal
any good ideas we come up with?
What are you talking about?
The Edible Cutlery,
Lucy, it was my idea.
The hell it was.
I can't believe this.
I came up with the idea when Ifirst started working for Lucy.
All she had back then
was beauty products.
OK.
So maybe the spoons
were your idea,
but the knives and
forks were mine.
Spoons imply knives and forks.
No, there is no such
legal implication.
I mean, anyone can
come up with an idea.
It's another thing
to turn it into
a multi-million-dollar company.
Formermulti-million-dollar company.
I can't believe
you spent all this
money we don't have on anidiotic team-building trip.
Well, I needed to
raise your idiotic game.
By burying us alive?
So the only good idea
this company's ever had
belongs to Freddie the fuck toy.
[music playing]
Freddie the what?
Why do you think
we call you FT?
Because those are my
initials, Freddy Tiwari.
Oh.
Oh my god.
You knew?
You all knew?
That Lucy uses you
as a human dildo?
Yeah.
Don't put it like that.
What is wrong with
two adult colleagues
having a relationship,
especially if they're
chill and not weird about it?
Exactly.
Yeah, what's wrong with that?
Because Freddie was
an intern at the time,
and fucking an
intern is essentially
half a step above fucking ababysitter, in which case, no.
No shade to you or Aidan, but--
Oh, none taken.
JESS: Yikes.
Being Lucy's fuck toy isthe only reason why you've
gotten preferential treatment.
What?
No, I don't get
preferential treatment.
I saw her give
you an extra prong.
I got the same crappy
prong as everyone else.
And besides, it's not
entirely consensual.
OK?
Yeah, she's been
Weinsteining me.
Oh my god.
I have not Weinsteined you.
I have not Weinsteined anyone.
OK, OK.
Maybe not the full
Weinstein, but you
used your power in theworkplace to get sexual favors.
Oh, like I need to do that.
We're a pair of
consenting adults.
You could have walked
out at any time.
You're my boss.
I might not have
a job if I didn't
agree to have sex with you.
Grow up.
All relationships are unequal.
I mean, men have been fuckingtheir secretaries for decades.
Why can't women?
I guess because
it's kind of horrible.
Well, if women can't be
as horrible as men, then
what's fucking feminism for?
What?
Right?
That's a fresh
take on an old idea.
[thud]
Chicken satay with peanutsauce, roast belly pork
with Parmesan potatoes.
Black Forest gateau it's
salty caramel ice cream.
Oh my god.
I don't know what gateauis, but that sounds good.
I can go for that.
Thank you.
It's the best one.
[groaning]
[whirring]
Where are you going?
Over to the store
to get some Sprite.
We're so fucked.
We're so fucked.
We're so fucked.
We're so fucked.
We are so fucked.
For God's sakes,
shut the fuck up.
Oh, fuck you.
Fuck you.
Fuck you.
Were all fucked because of you.
You were the one who thoughtthat a stupid team-building
exercise and taking us downto a fucking advance route
into an underground hell holewould somehow magically unfuck
the company that you fucked.
Hey, it's not Lucy'sfault there was a cave-in.
Thank you Suzy.
Oh, fuck both of you.
Hey, we all need to holdit together down here.
Why?
Look, it's been days, people.
We have not heard any
digging or drilling.
So whether we keep
it together or not,
we're still fucked, right?
[giggling]
Anybody not fucked?
The longest a human beinghas ever gone without food
and water is, like, a week,and we ran out of both of them,
so it's just a matter of time.
Shut up.
OK, I know.
Listen, we don't know forcertain when or if we're
going to be rescued, right?
But we do know for certain thatif we don't eat something soon,
we're all going to die.
We know that.
We're aware of that.
I just want to
mention the fact
that there's one food sourcethat we haven't yet explored.
Oh my god.
You're fucking kidding.
Seriously?
I'm not saying we
should eat Brandon.
No.
I'm just saying we
could eat Brandon.
That's disgusting.
I couldn't eat a person.
I agree, it is disgusting.
But at the same time, I'mterribly fucking hungry.
He did lead us down here.
Helping us survive is
the least he can do.
If we're going to
eat someone, it's
more ethical to eat ourselves.
You mean cut off our armsand eat them like James Franco?
I don't think James
Franco ate his own arm.
I'm not even my
own fucking arm.
That's where I keep my watch.
I heard you should
eat the brain,
because it has sugar in it.
I got a good idea, Gloria.
Why don't you eat
your own brain?
Let me reiterate, OK?
I am not saying we
should eat Brandon.
But if we did eat Brandon,how would we go about it?
I once took a sashimicourse on vacation in Japan.
Did it involve
cutting up human flesh?
No, it was mostly salmon.
Is it OK that
I hate everything
about this conversation?
it's-- it's--
it's not a conversation.
It's a theoretical discussion.
You know what?
A thought experiment.
Oh, these are
for customers only?
Well, I'd be a customer ifyou had any goddamn items.
Jeez.
Real quick, he's
deteriorating at such
a different rate than us.
I'm sorry.
I really don't mean
to be difficult. It's
my last question, I promise.
But do you happen to have aThanksgiving dinner for nine?
Have you guys ever seenthat Ethan Hawke movie, where
those people get
trapped in the Andes
and then they have
to eat their friends?
It's pretty messed up andgross, but they had some time
to mull it over, because
the Andes is basically
like a big-ass refrigerator.
This cave isn't.
So sooner or later,
we're going to have
to make a hard choice aboutwhat to do with that body.
She's right.
Brandon's getting ripe.
Ew.
Jesus Christ.
He's not a piece
of fruit, people.
I think you need
to all take a very
long, hard look at yourselves.
At least he's not
part of the group.
I mean, it wouldn't be likewe were eating a colleague.
So it's OK even astranger, just not your mom?
I'm not saying it's
OK to eat anyone.
But yes, I'd rather eat aguy I just met who I thought
was an asshole than my mom.
Same.
I actually do
know him a little.
Kind of got together with him.
When he came to the officeat that meet and greet,
we went out for pizza.
One thing led to another.
Sex.
So I sort of feel like
maybe it would be nice
for us to not eat him, please.
Look, I don't
think that's a valid
proprietorial relationship.
Why?
What do you mean?
You fucked my lunch.
So what?
I don't care who fucked him.
I'm eating even before heturns into a pile of goo.
I'm with you.
Whoa, whoa, whoa,
whoa, whoa, whoa.
Hold up.
We need to make this
decision as a team,
and there's no I.
There's no I in team.
Yeah, but if you swap
the letters around,
it spells "meat."
We are going to be rescued.
And is that how you want tobe discovered, with Brandon's
ear hanging out of your mouth?
I thought of everything, guys.
I'm sorry, but that
place is bullshit.
So what did I miss?
Guys, Brandon's a human being.
He has a family, and
friends, and feelings.
I mean, I know that thisis a desperate situation,
but if we lose our humanity,
we've lost everything.
Let's take a vote.
Who's in for eating Brandon?
Wait, what are we voting on?
Seriously?
Somebody give me a hand.
I'm out.
Hey, Brandon,
buddy, I'm so sorry.
If you can see this from heaven,just know that we all love you.
What the fuck?
[grunting]
He's only got one arm.
Someone's stolen an arm.
Who's got themselves a
nice little snacky arm?
Who looks the fullest?
You do.
Huh?
Who's been munching
on some finger food.
How about you, queen bee?
Huh?
What about me?
Be my guest.
I don't have anything to hide.
What?
You just back the fuck off.
This is an invasion of privacy.
[rattling]
[grunts]
[music playing]
Here it is, the smoking arm.
Lucy.
Lucy.
She stole it.
She's been feasting on freshmeat while we've been starving?
So that's why you didn'twant us to eat Brandon.
You wanted to keep
him all to yourself?
You sick fuck.
I fed and watered Brandon.
I bought him a burrito, OK?
His nutrients should be mine.
Well, you've had your share.
The rest of him is ours.
Jesus fucking Christ.
The caving permit.
Oh, no, no, the caving permitthat you said that you filed
with the ranger
station, the caving
permit that you couldn't havefiled with the ranger station
because I'm holding
in my fucking hand.
How could you?
Oh, shit.
Oh shit, shit.
No one knows we're here.
No one's coming to see us.
I hate you, Lucy.
I really fucking hate you.
Why did you say
you handed it in?
I thought that I had.
I-- I must have
gotten side tracked
when I was helping you with--with the boulders, and then I--
I was looking for some
ass-wiping material,
and I found it.
I was trying to
protect you, and it's
just been so much pressure.
And look, I then made
an executive decision,
because if you knew that
I hadn't, you guys--
it would have just gotten--
gotten weird.
You fucked us.
You fucked us all.
That is exactly what
I was talking about.
Somebody is going
to find the tour bus
and-- and a yellow Porsche.
How could they-- how
could they miss it?
We're in the middle
of the fucking desert.
No one's going to see
that yellow Porsche.
OK, wait.
Everybody calm down, OK?
Even though Lucy
super fucked us,
we still need to focus
on staying alive.
And all we can doright now is eat Brandon,
so I suggest we eat Brandon.
Who wants first bite?
Fuck it, I'll do it.
I'll do it.
I'll do it.
Here, give it to me.
[chewing]
Does it tastes like chicken?
No.
OK.
It's chewy it's
definitely a chewy--
a chewy dish.
[thud]
[music playing]
[grunting]
Why go to all the troubleof putting me in a prison when
we're already all in a prison?
We're putting you in prisonbecause you're a damn criminal
and you deserve to be punished.
Well, it's totalbullshit, because I could
get out whenever I wanted.
No, you can't, because
we won't let you.
Yeah, this is ametaphorical cage in addition
to being an actual cage.
It was just a part of an arm.
God.
Somebody had to be
the meat pioneer.
Right, and it had to be you.
It always has to be you.
At least I showed
some restraint.
You little piggies ain't enoughof Brandon to last us a month,
you greedy fucks.
So how are you feeling
post eating Brandon?
Full, partially of Brandon,mostly of self-loathing.
Yeah, that was pretty gnarly.
Yeah.
FREDDIE: What the fuck.
JESS: Holy shit.
SUZY: What was that?
DEREK: Goddamn.
What the hell is happening.
Maybe the battery died.
Does anybody have aflashlight on their phone
or a headlamp that works?
Shit.
Please, please, please.
[zapping]
Fuck.
JESS: Oh my god.
MAY: Oh, thank god.
Oh, I guess you
dickheads didn't
take care of your headlamps.
Hey.
No prisoner property.
I'm confiscating that.
Watch the hair.
Hey.
ah!
Hey, how much battery is left?
How long does it have?
No idea.
Guys, I have something
that might help.
It's a wearable kinetic charger.
A what?
It's like one of thoseshake-to-shine flashlights.
It transfers my armmovements into electricity.
Wow.
Great stuff, Aidan.
Where did you get that?
It comes in handy
when you're traveling.
You mean like when you'rein a hotel room, beating off?
Well, yeah.
It's called the Wankband.
OK.
Guys, personally, I don't lovethe idea of watching Aidan rub
himself stupid just
to give us enough
light to watch ourselves
die of starvation.
Do you have a better idea?
Yeah.
I think we should try
the tunnel Aidan found.
[clattering]
You ever heard the expression,when you're in a hole,
stop digging?
It's better to go furtherdown than just stay up here.
No, it's clearly worse.
What could be worse than this?
Imagine this,
but also you're--
you're dead.
OK.
Guys, if we don't try to
find a way out of here,
we're all going to die.
Now, I'm going down there.
Who's going with me?
I can't.
I'm all lupused out.
I'll go.
Great.
Yeah, this is the
right thing to do.
Yeah, take some action,
maximize our odds.
We're going to
need the headlamp.
Fuck that.
Finders keepers.
All right, then you keep theheadlamp and then come with us.
Fuck that.
Listen, you probablydon't know this about me,
but I was married once.
My wife's name was Claire.
She died.
I remember cleaning outthis closet after she died
and finding this beach ball.
I remembered it was
Claire who blew it up.
I got rid of everything
that reminded me of her.
It was just too painful.
But one thing I couldn'tget rid of was that ball.
I still have it,
because Claire's breath
is still in there.
And as long as there's
breath in my body,
and Claire's breath
is in that beach ball,
I'm going to find us
a way out of here, OK?
And I need your help.
You should do it, Billy.
Yeah, Billy.
It'd actually be nice totake a little break from you.
You've been nothing but amoaning drain on all of us
since we got down here.
Wow.
OK.
Here, take it.
But you're not going with me.
Oh, wow.
Great, yeah.
Just maybe put some clothes on.
Uh-huh.
For Claire.
For Claire.
Wow, that was amazing.
Thanks.
I'm really sorry
that happened to you.
I didn't know
you were married.
Also, you must have
been super young.
Yeah.
Actually, that was quote.
What?
A quote.
What?
Oh, the speech,
it's from CSI New
York season one episode one.
OK.
But it worked though, right?
Yeah, yeah.
Totally.
Good old Gary Sinise.
Hey, listen.
Thank you, you know, for
having my back just now
and just, I don't
know, being awesome
through this whole experience.
I think we make a
pretty good team.
Wow.
Is this-- is this friendshipright now happening?
Oh, yeah, it is.
OK, cool.
Yeah, it's weird,
a good weird.
Yeah.
It's a good weird.
Friend request sent.
Oh, got it.
Accept.
Hey, you two lovebirds,don't hold back on my account.
What the-- that's not
what's happening here.
It's so not what's
happening right now.
Besides, he's got
Brandon breath.
- Really?
- It's totally fine.
I have it, too.
We just ate, like, a whole dude.
OK.
[music playing]
Oh, OK, guys.
Definitely don't look down.
Oh, God.
Jesus Christ.
Calm down.
OK, OK.
What the hell am
I doing up here?
I'm not a hero.
I'm a cowardly asshole.
I'm really comfortablebeing a cowardly asshole.
Uh, there's a ledge andI'm going to have to jump,
so should I jump?
Yeah.
I mean, if you're going
to jump, fucking jump.
[shouting]
Jess, I jumped.
OK.
[shouting]
Oh, god.
Oh, god.
Oh.
Moaning drain.
Moaning drain.
I mean, you know, come on.
It's not like I'm completelyclosed to criticism,
but any way you slice that,that is just fucking rude.
Guys, what is that light?
Oh my god.
I think we found--
Oh my god, it's water.
Oh god, I'm thirsty.
JESS: Oh my gosh.
BILLY: I'm so thirsty.
JESS: Wait.
How do you know
it's safe to drink.
It's cave water.
So?
So what do you think
Evian's made from?
Pure delicious cave water.
This its purest in the
purest form of Evian,
and it's all ours.
[slurping]
Look, newts.
What?
It's filled with newts.
Oh, god, delicious,
nutritious newts.
I don't think you
should be eating those.
[chattering]
Oh my god, it's still alive.
How is it still alive?
He's fighting his way back up.
It doesn't want to go down.
I wonder if they canregenerate in our bellies,
because they can regenerate.
See, I told you it's great.
Everything is fine.
[gurgling]
[vomiting]
Jesus, Freddie.
What the--
[vomiting]
Hey.
You never told me about Brandon.
Oh, there's not much to tell.
It was before you and I
got together, I swear.
Yeah, like a few days before.
I don't see how that matters.
I'm sorry.
If Brandon wasn't crushedto death by those rocks,
would you still be
sleeping with him?
Are you asking me to choosebetween you and the man I spent
one night with and then ate?
I don't know if you're thekind of person I can have
a long-term relationship with.
You're being really needy.
I'm not being needy.
I just don't think you've beencompletely honest and open
with me, and it's hard for me,because there are reminders
of Brandon everywhere.
You don't think
it's hard for me?
I'm telling you rightnow, sleeping with someone
and then eating them,
it's not nothing.
Can we just pretend that'snot happening right now?
I don't know if I can.
[shaking]
[MUSIC - BRITNEY SPEARS,
"TOXIC"]
BRITNEY SPEARS: [SINGING] Oh,the taste of your lips, I'm
on a ride.
Your toxic, I'm slipping under.
With the taste of the poisonparadise, I'm addicted to you.
Don't know that you're toxic?
And I love what you do.
Don't you know
that you're toxic?
[thud]
Brandon?
Hey, what's up Freddie?
It's me, Brandon.
I want you to do me a favor.
Just use my body as your gift,and the blood I have shed,
drink it.
Dine on my flesh in
remembrance that I have
died so that you might live.
I am your meat god, Freddie.
Consume me and you willconsume the knowledge to escape
this forsaken underworld.
[cackling]
Consume me.
[laughter]
[crunch]
[music playing]
MAN 1: [SINGING] Hey.
Hey.
Hey.
Good work, Freddie.
You made it, and you
only had to eat one guy.
It's all totally cool.
Oh my God.
[groaning]
Here's a little gift
to help you celebrate.
[popping]
Ice cream!
Thank you, Gary Sinise.
[chattering]
Hey, It's me.
I mean, it's you,
but like, cool you,
without the stupid
company shirt.
[giggling]
Are you knitting?
You best believe I'm knitting,because I don't care that mommy
and daddy told me to stop.
Real men don't knit.
Fuck that bullshit.
I don't have time to knit.
Chill out, company man.
That's some shit.
Eat an ice cream.
That's all I do not,
knit and eat ice cream.
Why the fuck do anything else?
MAN 1: [SINGING] Hey Hey.
Hey, hey.
I told you not to eat the newts,but you didn't listen to me,
did you?
No, I'm not
going to wear them.
[giggling]
I'm not going to
wear these boots.
These are Hitler's boots.
I'm not wearing Hitler's boots.
OK, let's get the
fuck out of this cave.
Let's go.
[chuckling]
[music playing]
BILLY: Oh, I can't
believe you saw my cock.
FREDDIE: Don't worry,
we didn't see anything.
BILLY: Whoa.
JESS: Shit.
My headlamp died.
BILLY: Oh, god.
Oh, god.
Oh, god.
FREDDIE: I'm so sorry.
I never should have broughtus down here I fucked us--
BILLY: He fucked us all.
JESS: Wait, shut up.
Look.
Guys, is that what
I think it is?
FREDDIE: Yes.
[cheering]
JESS: We did it.
We're getting out of here.
FREDDIE: I can't believe it.
Thank you, Gary.
BILLY: Yes, we're leaving!
FREDDIE: Thanks, Gary.
Thank god.
I'm never going
spelunking again.
I've never been going hiking.
BILLY: Madam, lock
up your prostitutes.
Let's do it.
FREDDIE: Yes.
We can have so much ice cream.
BILLY: Baby, let's go.
We're getting out!
[music playing]
JESS: What you see?
BILLY: There's a rabbit,
delicious rabbit.
Well, looks like youdidn't need me after all.
Oh, please tell
me it's rabbit.
JESS: Fuck!
[thud]
[music playing]
What's that smell?
I think it's Aidan's leg.
What?
Oh, no.
Wait, do-- do you think
it might have gangrene?
[grunt]
Yeah, textbook gangrene.
Oh my god.
Oh my god.
Calm down.
There is a solution that'llcheck off all the boxes.
OK, what is it?
Amputation.
Oh, I don't know.
It's the only way to be sure.
Ow, ow.
And the upside,
it's dinner time.
DEREK: Good idea.
You know that I
love you guys, and I--
I would do anything
for this team.
But I'm not 100% sure
that I want Derek to cut
my leg off with a penknife.
It's not a penknife.
It's a butterfly knife.
Oh, that's-- that's better.
I mean, I do like butterflies.
They're so pretty.
Hey, stop it.
Don't do it if he's not into it.
What?
He just said he
might be into it.
Well, I'm not
completely not into it.
But at the same time, I'mnot completely into it.
He's been jerking himselfsilly for, like, days, guys.
He doesn't know whether hewants a shit or a haircut.
God, I would love
to get a haircut,
and take a shit, or both.
I feel terrible.
It's my joints.
I need some anti-inflammatoriesfor my lupus.
If it gets worse, I
might have a seizure.
Oh, no.
What are you doing?
Nothing.
You're looking at me likeI'm a turkey at Thanksgiving.
That is a terrible
delicious thing to say.
Lupus, that's a very
serious illness, right?
How long can a person gowithout medicine, theoretically?
I don't know.
But if I die, Lucy is
not allowed to eat me.
What do you care?
You'd be dead.
OK, I am hereby making
an official legal will.
Everybody apart from Lucy isallowed to eat me if I die.
Not even a finger?
Jess, you get first
pick of my parts.
You always watch out for me,and I've always liked you.
OK, thanks.
Just tell me what
part you want and I'll
put your name next to it.
Why don't you pick, you know?
Surprise me.
If Jess doesn't wantit, can I get an asscheek?
I really don't mind whichone, but if I had to choose,
I'd say lefty.
Hey, good choice.
Freddie gets second pick.
I don't give a shit.
Well, not the response
I was hoping for.
Listen, I've been
on a vision quest.
I've seen through theother end of the telescope.
I've looked at the other
side of the potato.
And you know what I learned?
That this company is bullshit,and you can all shove my Edible
Cutlery up your assholes.
We're all just eyelashes
on the face of God.
OK, whatever.
Maybe we should try
drinking our own piss.
Huh?
What would happen if
we drank our own piss?
We'd still die, butthe last thing we'd taste
would be our own piss.
Hey.
Hey, prisoner leaving theprison area, what are you doing?
Get back in there.
OK.
I don't want to be
the voice of doom.
But I think that Gloria'snot looking too good.
Lady Gaga has lupus.
If she has it, it
can't be that bad.
I don't think so.
What is your point?
OK.
My point is are we
going to just sit
here and wait for
her to die, or are
we going to speed things up?
You mean like with the--
like hitting her with a rock?
That's horrible, no.
I was thinking more like
a coat over the face.
My god.
Jesus.
What?
It's good, right?
This is all I could muster.
Anybody want some?
No, thank you.
I'm good.
I'm not there yet.
But an asscheek
and a swig of this,
and won't be no
talking on both jaws.
What?
Even got some fizz to it.
Hard pass.
More for me.
You're still peeing?
I haven't peed in three days.
Poems, oh.
Hey.
Look at this.
Gloria's been writing
fucking poetry.
Give me that.
That's private.
Hold on.
My plight has given me wealthmore important than my health.
Trapped in this cavern of doom,I have found some psychic room.
When I feel the darkness call,I see God's face on the wall.
Which wall is that, Gloria?
Is that the one that Derektook a giant shit against?
OK, well, it's a
first draft, so--
Poetry is not a crime, Billy.
Give her back her
fucking notebook.
Uh-huh.
Shit, hold on now.
I hereby give permissionfor posthumous publication
of these poems.
You're going to publish,make money off our deaths?
That's for my girls.
I just want to leave
them something.
Fuck those little assholes.
They're seven and nine.
Well, I refuse to bememorialized by shitty poetry.
It's embarrassing.
Like, who uses rhyming
couplets anymore?
If you hate it so
much, why don't you
write your own fucking poetry?
You know what?
How about the punishment
for writing bad poetry
should be that we kill
Gloria and eat her?
Jesus Christ.
You've lost your fucking mind.
No, this is survival
of the fittest.
Survival of the
fittest doesn't
mean killing the unfittest.
Nobody is killing anyone.
If we die, we die together.
What's wrong with one of usdying to save the rest of us?
As long as the one
who dies isn't you.
I mean, I'll freely
admit that if one of us
dies I am going to eat
them in a heartbeat.
But what you suggesting is--
There's crossing the lineand then there's smashing
through it with a truck.
I get it.
Not everyone has
balls big enough
to make the hard decisions.
That's what leaders do.
It's the white man's burden.
Oh, so you're a white
man now, Acama queen?
I wear many hats.
I know why you
want to eat Gloria.
It's because you're a vampire.
You've been sucking my bloodfor years, but all of that
stops now.
That is bullshit.
You wanted a sexy as helltough as nails lady boss,
and you just couldn't handle it.
OK, fine.
It's true.
I didn't have the confidenceto make my idea work.
You did.
And you know what?
I liked it when you fucked me.
Yeah, I even liked it whenyou put things up my ass
occasionally.
But when I stopped liking it andI asked you to stop doing it,
you carried on, and
that's not OK, Lucy.
And I'm not going to
let you do it anymore.
Fuck you and fuck this company.
I resign.
I'm going to stop workingand start knitting.
Knitting?
Just because I'm a guydoesn't mean I can't knit, OK?
OK.
I'm going to knit
the most amazing
sweater you've ever seen.
Freddie's right.
You have some major
boundary issues.
You guys know that shethreatened to fire me because I
turned off my
phone for two hours
while I attended my
grandma's funeral?
I was hosting my bestfriend's bachelorette party,
and we needed a patio
heater delivered.
I mean, do you know howcold it was when the patio?
It is not my job to keepyou cold-ass friends warm.
You-- you break my heart.
I mentored you because
I wanted a little
of the light that's alwaysshined on me to reflect on you.
When I found out your momdied when you were so young,
I decided to be the
mom that you never had.
What the fuck?
It was never enough.
You just wanted more, more,more. you and your fucking MBA,
he didn't want to be my mentee.
You didn't want to work for me.
No, you wanted to replace me.
I don't want to be in yourshadow for the rest of my life.
Is that a crime?
You need to get real.
Would you be without me?
Not in this
fucking cave, Lucy.
Do you know when I hiredyou, and you, and you,
and you, and you, I stepped up?
I gave you an opportunityof a lifetime.
And yes, there was some
sweet, sweet grant money
from the minorities
and business agency,
but that was just a bonus.
I did this for all of you asa gift, a gift from my heart.
You never gave
us anything, OK?
We all worked really hardto get to where we are.
Two words, affirmative action.
Do you want to be a quota queen?
Is that what you want?
Because you better
start asking yourself,
who am I when I'm notblack and I'm not a woman?
Who am I and what
do I have to give?
You know what?
It's people like
you think you're
part of the solution when you'rethe whole fucking problem.
And on top of
that, your opinions
are bad you're a huge asshole.
In fact, the only
good idea you ever had
was Freddie's, and the onlything you'll ever be famous
for is for the fact that you ateour dead spelunking instructor.
Don't you talk to
your mother that way.
You're not my mother.
Yes I am.
FREDDIE: Get the fuck off her!
Fuck.
Oh my god.
Oh my god.
Oh, god.
I'm sorry, Lucy.
I didn't mean to--
no, Lucy.
I'm so sorry.
I'm sorry.
I'm sorry.
[tapping]
[booming]
What the hell is that?
Britney?
Is that you, Britney?
Is that a drill?
Oh my god, it is.
It's a drill!
[cheering]
BILLY: Hey, Hey, we're in here.
Freddie.
Yeah, yeah.
I'm going to rat you
out, you manslaughterer.
You're going to
die alone in jail.
You pussy.
What's up?
Is she dead?
What?
She says she's
going to tell the cops
that I tried to kill her.
I'm going to go to jail.
No.
I'm going to die in jail.
No.
OK, you were trying
to protect me.
She's a fucking sociopath.
Let's just say that she tripped.
What if they send a cracksquad of forensic investigators
with black lights?
This is exactly the kindof case that a crack squad
of forensic investigators
with black lights
would solve within seconds.
They're not going to do that.
This isn't CSI.
All you have to do
is relax, OK, and not
tell them the whole truthabout what happened.
I can't lie to the police.
They'll never believe me.
OK.
Everybody, listen up.
All right?
When the rescuers get downhere, she's going to try
and get Freddie arrested.
We need to make sure thatFreddie knows that he's not
alone, OK, that we're
not going to let
him take the rap for this.
We need to finish
what he started.
I wasn't trying to kill her.
It's OK, I got this.
Teamwork makes the dream work.
[music playing]
[drilling]
Lucy, Lucy, I'm so sorry.
I didn't mean for
you to hit your head.
I just didn't want
you to hurt Jess.
And I-- I know I know I saidsome horrible things about you,
but you're a good person.
I mean, you're
not, but you were.
We had some good times,right, in the early days,
like that-- like the
trip to Sausalito?
Remember?
We ate the clam chowder
in the bread bowls.
They served soup in bowls madeout of bread, and we ate it.
The soup, the bowl,
the whole damn thing.
[grunting]
Come on!
Fuck.
It's too heavy.
You guys, what about
Brandon's walking pole?
Yes.
Actually, that's perfect.
We can use it as a lever.
And it's metal, so it
won't snap this time.
That's what gave me theidea for the Edible Cutlery.
Yeah.
I mean, if you can eat a bowl,why not a spoon, you know?
Lucy, if you hadn't taken meto Sausalito on company money
to fuck my brains
out, I never would
have eaten the bread
bowl, and I never would
have thought of the spoons.
SUZY: Ready?
BILLY: Ready.
[groaning]
OK, OK.
Come on.
Come on.
[groaning]
It's all because of you.
[mumbling]
Guys, I think she's
trying to say something.
These might be her last words.
Yeah.
Rosebud.
I'm sorry, what?
It's my nickname
for your dick.
Never mind.
Hey.
OK, everybody's.
We've got to work
together as a team.
All right.
[groaning]
[whoosh]
[thud]
[music playing]
[cheering]
[clattering]
[explosion]
[laughter]
RESCUER: We're in.
Hold on.
Stop.
We're in.
OK, guys.
We're in.
Let's prepare for extraction.
All right.
If we're going to
have people over,
I mean, we should
clean this place up.
RESCUER: Hey, is
everyone OK down there?
Yeah, we're here.
RESCUER: Is everyone safe?
We're safe.
Most of us are safe.
DEREK: You got any
circus peanuts?
[music playing]
JESS: Oh, hell.
DEREK: Oh my god.
SUZY: Yum.
Fritos.
DEREK: Who knew they
could taste so good.
AIDAN: This'll be so much fun.
Well, yeah. no, a couple ofus did die, but you know what?
I-- I wouldn't change itfor anything in the world.
DEREK: If y'all not careful,I'll eat this whole table.
AIDAN: Mom says hi.
All right, guys.
The press is ready for you.
[music playing]
MAN 2: [SINGING] And I
got some satisfaction.
Woo, I got some.
REPORTER: What was theworst moment of your ordeal?
Well, running out oftoilet paper on the first day
was pretty rough.
[reporters clamoring]
JESS: Yes?
How did you manage to surviveso long without food or water?
Oh, we happened to havea supply of Edible Cutlery.
We ate our guide.
We ate Brandon.
We had to.
I didn't.
I'm sorry.
They did, but I didn't.
Yes, you did.
He did.
No.
No, see.
I mean, OK.
Yeah, I did, but I
didn't eat a lot.
I just had a little bit.
He died in the cave-in.
Before we ate him.
Yeah, we didn't eat him alive.
Hi.
I'm Brandon's fiancee.
Oh.
Oh, shit.
I just wanted to hear
it from your mouths
why you ate Brandon.
The last thing that wewanted to do was eat Brandon.
We liked him a lot.
We liked him.
We loved him.
We all knew him equally
the same amount.
But we had to do it.
He saved us.
OK, thank you.
Thank you.
Thank you for being
so cool about it.
Can you give us somedetails on the circumstances
of Lucy Vanderton's death?
Uh-huh.
Yeah, it was super tragicwhat happened to her.
I mean, wow.
I want to say
something about Lucy.
Lucy, Lucy was the most amazingwoman and inspiring leader
I've ever known.
And that most of
all, she taught us
how to work together as a team.
Uh-huh.
--which is why this nextpart is so hard to say.
Don't say it.
It was really tragic.
The way the rock just
fell on her sucked.
A horrible accident.
Yeah, she was lying
down celebrating
and the rock was worked
loose by the drilling,
and then it just fell.
--sort of off a ridge.
--right on top of Lucy.
So it was the rescuers' fault.
Well, no one's
playing the blame game.
But if we did have to blamesomeone, it would be them.
Uh-huh, uh-huh.
Gravity.
[music playing]
Any other questions?
[reporters clamoring]
MAN 2: [SINGING] Ow, I got some.
It sure was good, yeah.
Yes it was.
I got some.
Oh, it sure was good.
Oh, oh, oh.
I went up to the mountainto see the rising sun.
I came back to my baby andI got some satisfaction Woo.
I got some.
Uh.
Sure was nice.
Yes, it was.
Let me tell you about it.
I got to hug and squeeze
her once or twice.
Yes, I did.
I came home in the evening aftera hard day's work was done.
I put my arms around my babyand I got some satisfaction.
WOMAN 2: Daddy, relax.
Make yourself at home.
MAN 2: [SINGING] Oh,
around about midnight.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Sure was good.
Yes, it was.
Yes, it was.
She kissed and hugged me tight.
Said everything's
going to be all right.
And I turned out the light,and I got some satisfaction.
She said sugar.
WOMAN 2: Sugar.
MAN 2: [SINGING]
Take it easy now.
WOMAN 2: And take it slow.
MAN 2: [SINGING] She
said take it slow.
You don't have to fight.
Just-- just relax and
let the love light go.
I got out of bed this morning.
I faced the rising sun.
Came home in the evening,and I got some satisfaction.
Yeah!
WOMAN 2: Make yourself at home.
MAN 2: [SINGING] In the evening.
Around about midnight.
WOMAN 2: You know
girls, I just got to.
MAN 2: [SINGING] I
just got to have some.
Ruby, oh.
Oh, Ruby.
You make me feel so good.
I just got to do
it one more time.
[music playing]
MAN 1: [SINGING] Hey.
Hey.
Hey.
Hey.
Hey.
Hey.
Hey.
Hey.
Hey.
Hey.
Hey.
Hey.
[sizzling]
LUCY: Food is more
than just fuel.
It's sharing, it's conversation,it's hello and goodbye.
It's giving and receiving.
It's a prayer.
It's what we dream of
and everything we fear.
Food is where we come
from and it's what
we'll all eventually become.
But too much food creates waste.
Waste is destroying our world.
Environmentalists agree thatdisposable plastic cutlery
is the single greatest
threat to our planet.
I'm Lucy Vanderton,
and I created
Incredible Edible
Cutlery to bring
an end to that destruction.
We all know you can'teat food without cutlery.
But now, you can eat
cutlery without food.
Incredible Edible Cutlery isa vision for mankind's future.
As an ethnically diversefemale-led company innovating
in a white male-dominatedworld, we reflect that future,
our mission to rid the planetof disposable plastic cutlery
and save the world
one bite at a time.
[crunch]
OK, this is bullshit.
Well, I think it's inspiring.
You're positive and
you're uplifting.
And naive and stupid.
And-- and please, that
family was fake as fuck.
OK, yeah.
I'll redo it.
Listen, do you
remember the first thing
I said to you at Tufts?
That I saw a beautiful,
intelligent black woman
who has the potential tobe the Beyonce of business.
That's why I agreed
to mentor you.
I want that person back, Jess.
Listen to the Beyonce
inside you, girlfriend.
[music playing]
All right, listen up
Incredible Eatibles.
Edibles, Incredible Edibles.
Agree to disagree, but
you're paying the bills.
Welcome to Brandon's
Outdoor Experience.
Are you ready for the ultimateteam-building challenge?
It's called Ball Quest.
[groaning]
You guys can do this.
You're all working as a unit.
[groaning]
The ball's your enemy.
[groaning]
Don't let that
piece of shit win.
Motherfucker.
It's too heavy.
We can't move this.
If we all push it together,do you think maybe we can?
How do we get
it on the podium?
Excuse me, sir.
Are we allowed to put
the podium on its side.
I can't tell you how to do it.
That'd be cheating, right?
Hey, we're not
trying to cheat.
We just want to clarifywhat we can and cannot do.
Come on, people.
Figure it out.
Think team.
Aidan, go lay
down in front of it.
We'll use you as a ramp.
That's fine with me, I guess.
Wait.
Hey, stop.
Don't lay down.
He's fucking with you.
Oh.
You almost got me there.
OK.
What we need to do is usethese two poles as a railroad
so we can roll the ballthingy up unto the thing.
OK, yeah.
And then use the ropes
as a pulley system
to get the ball on
top of the rails.
This is not fun at all.
It's not supposed to be fun.
OK, well it's working.
It's not moving.
Pull it harder.
Wait.
Use a pole as a lever.
Yeah, that's a good idea.
But we only have two poles.
Right.
And we need both the poles tomake the actual train tracks.
Jess, let's just forgetabout the railroad tracks, OK?
Let's just focus on movingthe ball toward the podium.
We'll worry about getting
it up when we get there.
[groaning]
[crunch]
Oh, shit.
What?
[screaming]
[groaning]
[cracks]
Oh, gosh darn it, that--
that really hurt.
My leg.
Nice work, FT.
We have to try
and move it somehow.
Have you got another
pole, like a metal one?
I want to say
that I'm mad, but I
am severely disappointed
in every one of you,
especially you, Jess.
I'm embarrassed.
I'm sorry.
Lucy, I was--
I was trying.
AIDAN: Oh, gosh darn it.
We were having so much fun.
[music playing]
[engine revving]
[snapshots]
Oh damn, it's hot.
Hey, psst.
Lucy giving you
a hard time, huh?
It comes with the territory.
You are the hate sponge.
The what?
The hate sponge,
the punching bag.
I was the hate sponge for theyears until you came along.
My advice is, soak it in.
And if you ever
get any feelings,
just push them down with
booze and video games.
You'll find that life getseasier soon, very soon.
Did you just try to wink at me?
I did wink at you.
Yikes, why?
OK.
Keep this to yourself,
but very soon, I'm
going to be taking on the brandnew role of vice president,
and you'll take my place
as number one assistant,
and Lucy's going to hire
a brand new hate sponge,
so it's all good.
OK.
Well, I hate to break
it to you, but Lucy's
appointing me vice president.
What?
Yeah, man.
[music playing]
No, that's not--
Yeah, it is.
No, I don't--
I don't think so.
All right, gang.
Let's circle up right here.
Pretty spectacular, huh?
Every once in a while, mothernature likes to strip for us,
just show us how sexy she is.
I know it looks daunting,but don't worry.
It's an easy hike down.
We're going to track alongthis ridge and down the canyon.
Where does this go?
Oh, don't worry about that.
That's the advanced route.
No offense, but I don't
think this group is 100%
ready for the advanced route.
[chuckling]
Yeah.
Nope.
No, we're doing the advanced.
[chuckling]
BRANDON: Seriously?
LUCY: Yeah.
I can't recommend more
strongly that this group
takes the beginner route.
That's an advanced
cave system that's
for experienced spelunkers.
Look, if we can navigate theadvanced route of the deepest
cave systems of
New Mexico, then we
can navigate the challenges oftoday's business environment.
The only way for
a muscle to grow
is to have something
to push against,
and we all know that thebiggest muscle in the body
is the brain.
Nope.
This is the
perfect opportunity
for the brain to grow.
Let's get to it.
Come on!
Well, checks cleared.
You guys signed your releases.
Let's go bone some stone.
Rappelling.
SUZY: We're
rappelling down there?
Well, look, you
are all more than
welcome to opt out and havea lovely time by yourself
on the bus thinking
about the new direction
your career might be going.
All right, everybody.
Listen up.
Now, the number one rule thatyou must follow at all times
is do whatever the fuck Isay the second I say it.
That's probably the
most important thing.
Now, on top of that, I'm goingto go over a couple of dos
and do not dos.
Do keep your helmet on
your head at all times.
Do not consume alcohol
or illegal drugs
before entering the cave.
Do be vigilant.
Keep your eyes peeled
for spiders, scorpions,
or poisonous snakes,because they are abundant,
and they are trying to
kill you at all times.
Now, if we're lucky, we mayencounter some cave paintings.
These are from the AcamaTribe of first Americans.
Do not touch the cave paintings.
And always remember,
they were here first.
Lucy, what have you got?
I am actually 1/64
Acama, so if any of you
want to touch or
examine the paintings,
then just clear
it with me first.
I'll be assuming the
role of tribal elder
for the duration of the trip.
Cool.
Let's do this.
SUZY: There's really no stairs?
BRANDON: Where do you
want the stair on?
AIDAN: Hey, guys.
I think I'm stuck.
Just for the record,
I'm definitely getting
the vice president position.
OK.
Well, for the record,
Lucy and I have already
discussed my new role as vicepresident in great detail
for the last two months, so--
OK.
Well, I've been at the companyway longer than you, OK?
Why would Lucy
promote you over me?
Three words.
OK.
Master of Business
Administration.
That's four
words, including of.
Isn't counting-- correct
me if I'm wrong--
a valuable business skill?
Yeah, it is, but of
doesn't count as a word.
It's like the.
Nobody gives a shit
about those two words.
I can't do this.
I really can't do this, Lucy.
You can do this.
I know what you're capable of.
Look, are you a woman
who runs with wolves?
Are you?
I think I'm more the womanwho runs away from wolves,
because they can smell my fear.- Not anymore.
Not anymore.
They get off on it.
I'm going to die.
Look, I believe in you.
Why?
So you have to believe in you.
Otherwise, you're saying I'mwrong about who I believe in,
and-- and I don't thinkyou're saying that, are you?
Not intentionally.
, No no.
You're still on
the edible cutlery,
whereas I'm all over thebrand-new exciting project, OK?
What does that tell you?
I wouldn't exactlycall Vanderton University
a brand-new exciting project.
We've actually rebranded asthe Vanderton Wealth institute,
but you wouldn't know
that, because you
weren't in the meetings.
Yeah, because those
meetings are dumb,
and it's just busy work for you.
We get free coffee.
You see that there?
Hey, quick question.
I got a call from my
transport team on Friday
and they said that our
quarterly check bounced.
That's weird.
Did you call Medfirst?
Yeah, I did.
Tanner said that
we're overdrawn.
That shouldn't be happening.
I'll look into it.
OK.
You know, if running
the accounts department
is getting to be too much foryou, you can just let me know.
I'm fine.
OK.
Well, if not, you can
always talk to me.
I'm available during
business hours.
Thanks.
That's very generous of you.
DEREK: I think I felt some rain.
Oh, that's pretty scary, huh?
You don't want to
piss your pants.
I don't think the girls downhere would like that very much.
Hey, come on, man.
Don't go ragging on the intern.
Aidan pissed his
pants one single time.
Surely you should
be able to move on.
Great banter, guys.
You're making me laugh.
I don't think I can.
Please.
Yes, you can.
Brandon!
And now is the time, OK?
You just need to nut upand put that pussy into it.
Now, follow my lead.
You.
Woo!
GLORIA: Our insurance
does not cover this.
BRANDON: Lamps on.
FREDDIE: Lights on?
Oh my god.
LUCY: Get your light on.
[grunting]
What's happening?
I think I'm having
a panic attack.
LUCY: No, you're not.
Yes, I am.
No, you're not.
Your panic attack
is not authorized.
I can't be doing this.
I hate it.
Lucy, I hate it.
BRANDON: That a girl.
Keep pumping those elbows.
I think my fricking
knee's dinged up.
BRANDON: No pressure, butmaybe hurry up a little.
LUCY: It's all right.
Keep going.
BRANDON: Looking
good, looking good.
LUCY: Less than six feet.
BRANDON: Yeah, you got this.
SUZY: I'm so scared.
BRANDON: Yeah, but look cute.
Don't worry about it.
LUCY: There you go.
BRANDON: All right.
That a girl.
Good job, good job.
All right.
Now, that wasn't so bad, was it?
I guess I'm alive.
Exactly, and you probably feelmore alive than you ever have,
right?
Uh-huh.
Yeah, you do.
You did it.
Guys, come on.
We made it.
We made it as a team.
Teamwork makes the
dream work, right?
Makes the dream work, yeah.
Come on.
[cheering]
All right, listen up.
I'm going to ask
you to do something.
This might sound
a little far out,
but just go with me, all right?
Turn your head lamps off.
[snapping]
[gasps]
Oh my god.
Oh, oh my god.
That never gets old.
LUCY: Glorious.
Wow.
BRANDON: Pretty
spectacular, right?
GLORIA: Incredible.
Yeah, good.
OK.
Welcome to Cathedral Cavern.
This is pretty much
the crown jewel
of this entire cave system.
The great state of New Mexicowas kind enough to rig it up
with some auxiliary
battery lighting
so you can really
feel the full effect.
Spectacular.
[sniffing]
Namaste.
Feel free to explore, lookaround, enjoy yourselves.
I'll be sitting overthere eating a Clementine.
Hey, guys, it's
an Acoma painting.
It's Acama.
Acama?
[humming]
So you can read all this?
LUCY: Yeah, somewhat.
Hey.
OK.
So I guess she offered
us both the position.
She's playing us by danglingthe same carrot, a carrot
the both of us can't eat.
It's manipulative, it's
petty, it's deceitful,
it's disrespectful.
It's a classic Lucy.
I guess she has to
keep us hungry to keep
the company afloat.
Wait, what do you mean afloat?
Shit.
OK, keep this on the DL, OK?
Down low.
Yeah, I know what that is.
Don't let it come upto the surface, down low.
I understand what that is.
OK.
Vanderton University hasbeen a complete disaster.
It's been hemorrhaging
money for months.
I keep telling her to shutit down to save the company,
but she won't listen.
Look at this.
Put your hand right there.
Are you sure it's not
a curse or something?
Yes, yes.
No.
Look.
Feel that.
Oh.
Dammit.
I guess it's hard to sell abusiness based on a personality
when it's your personality.
Oh, yeah, because she sucks.
Yeah, big time.
[quaking]
[shouting]
What the fuck just happened?
That was a geologic incident.
What?
Yeah, a little
tectonic tremor.
In English.
Earthquake?
Oh my god.
So what-- what do we do?
[music playing]
[thud]
[screaming]
LUCY: Oh, shit.
[screaming]
Shouldn't you go
last, not first?
Yeah, but no, because Ishould really go first check
the tunnel integrity, right?
Wait, wait, wait.
You can't leave us here!
See, it's so narrow.
I can't turn around
at this point.
You don't need to turn around.
Just crawl back.
It's probably best foreverybody if I just get out,
you know?
See you guys on the other side.
No.
[quaking]
[shouting]
Shit.
You know what?
I'm going to back out.
Get out.
BILLY: Yeah, come on, man.BRANDON: It's the best thing.
I'm just going to--
[clattering]
[screaming]
[boom]
Brandon?
Are you OK?
You all right, Brandon?
Brandon?
OK, he's not breathing.
Oh, god.
Oh, Jesus.
Hey, hey, I'm CPR trained.
Yep, he's dead.
Oh my god.
Oh my god.
Oh my god.
Oh my god.
No, no, no.
No.
Does anyone's phone work?
There's no service.
All right, we got
to get out of here.
Look at the cracks.
There's something in the cracks.
Maybe you could
still make it through.
[grunting]
It's rocks.
You can't dig through that.
There's probably anetwork of Acama tunnels.
I mean, that-- that'ssomething that we would do.
Maybe there's a
door, like a cave door.
There's a tunnel.
There's a tunnel.
Yeah, but it's
going the wrong way.
A tunnel going down isbetter than no tunnel at all.
Right, guys?
No.
We're fucked.
There's nothing.
There's nothing.
We are so totally,
totally fucked.
Help!
Help!
Hey, hey, hey, oh, oh.
[screaming]
[thuds]
Hey, hey.
Help!
Stop it.
You're going to cause
another cave-in.
Everything always
happens to me.
We're trapped.
We're all going
to die down here.
We are going to die, huh?
Billy.
We are all trapped and we aregoing to fucking die down here.
Billy.
[slaps]
Oh.
Ow.
Advanced.
Why do you just say we hadto do the fucking advanced?
[thud]
There's nothing.
There's no way out.
At least our families won'thave to pay for our funerals,
seeing how we've already
been buried alive.
OK, people.
I think that the situationis under control.
How'd do you work that out?
It's only a matter ofhours before we get rescued.
I mean, I personally
put in the caving permit
with a completeitinerary in that dropbox
at the ranger station.
So let's just relax,
enjoy the adventure.
It's a perfectteam-building opportunity.
It's like our own
private escape room.
We do need to make
the most of our space,
so this area should be thedesignated toilet zone.
And I'm thinking that
this area over here
should be our private zone forpersonal reflection, you know?
Much like the interfaith
area at the airport.
Most importantly, we need tomanage our resources carefully.
I've done a complete inventoryof our food supplies,
and it consists of a samplebox of Edible Cutlery
that Aidan brought with him.
You brought a box
of product samples?
Yeah.
I always keep a
set in my backpack.
You never know
when you might need
some cutlery that you can eat.
Aidan's dedication
to the flagship product
should be seen as aninspiration and a life-saving
example to us all.
Aidan.
Yeah.
If you don't have
gum for all of us,
then you should just spit that.
What?
Give it to me.
Good boy.
OK.
Hydration-wise, we havethese few bottles of water
and Billy's CamelBak.
No.
This is private property.
Why should I be penalized justbecause I'm the only one who
properly prepared?
This excursion is fully fundedby Incredible Edible Cutlery,
so all of the equipment,
including your CamelBak,
is company property.
Oh, no, it's not.
Just hand over the
goddamn CamelBak.
This is bullshit.
OK, please pass
these potato forks.
Take one prong each.
Just one prong?
At least break out the spoons?
No spoons.
Forks, one prong, and I'llexpect those handles back.
I know it's not
all about me, but I
really feel like my leg mayneed some kind of treatment.
Just keep the wound cleanand watch out for numbness
or a foul-smelling discharge.
Those are the first
signs of gangrene.
Gangrene?
LUCY: OK.
Oh my god.
I am going to try
and get some sleep.
Wake me up when the
rescuers get here.
Hey, you want to
generate a little heat?
No.
LUCY: Billy, you're
on light duty.
Yeah.
How about you?
You want to--
[clears throat]
[grunts]
[music playing]
LUCY [VOICEOVER]:
In this chapter,
you'll learn to be aVanderton visionary using
the three C's,confidence, collaboration,
and above all captaincy.
[gunfire]
[grunting]
Ow.
Fuck!
WOMAN 1: Aidan.
Aidan.
Who is it?
Britney?
Is it Britney, bitch?
BRITNEY SPEARS: Yes,
it's me, Britney Spears.
Stay strong, Aidan.
I'm coming to save you.
Oh.
Hi, Suzy.
Hi.
Do you mind if I--
oh yeah, Suzy.
Yeah.
[moaning]
SUZY: Can you call me Suzanne?
MAY: Suzanne.
[moaning]
Gently, oh.
They've been going
at it all night.
I didn't realize Suzy
and May were a couple.
They're not.
At least, they weren't.
But I guess the possibilityof imminent death
makes you super horny.
Yeah.
Who's this?
Is this your white dad?
Seriously?
You don't recognize him?
It's Gary Sinise
from CSI New York.
Right.
He's, like, kind of
a big deal for you?
Yeah.
On CSI, Gary treats
his team like a family,
and, like, they always
care for each other
and have each other's back.
And, you know, I thought Ifound it when I quit school
and joined the company, so--
Wow.
That's either the most
pathetic thing I've
ever heard of the most tragic.
FREDDIE: Ouch.
JESS: Yeah.
Wow, sorry.
That-- that came
out really harsh.
FREDDIE: That's
fine, we're hungry.
JESS: Yeah.
[moaning]
FREDDIE: I mean, I guessgood luck to them, right?
JESS: Yeah.
Freddie.
Freddie.
Freddie.
Hi.
Hi.
What's up?
I just wanted to see if youneeded some help with sleeping.
I mean, silk sheets would benice, or any kind of sheets.
I have a great way
to help you to sleep.
[zipping]
Oh, no.
What do you mean no?
I just mean no.
We've taken this whole thingfar enough, don't you think?
Well, no, not really.
I mean, you've
never eaten me out
while I've given you a rim job.
I don't even thinkthat's physically possible.
Well, certainly not
with that attitude.
OK, well, I've made aunilateral decision to stop.
Well, you can't.
Well, I have.
Well, I haven't
granted you unilateral
decision-making powers.
I don't need you
to grant them to me.
I already have them.
It's called being an
independent adult.
[chuckling]
What's so funny?
What's so funny?
When have you ever had
an independent adult?
Since forever.
Freddie, Freddie.
Come on.
You would be lost without me.
Everything you know is from me.
I taught you how to fuck.
I didn't learn how
to fuck from you.
I learned how to fuck from porn.
[thud]
[music playing]
I'm hungry.
I need ibuprofen.
I can feel my lupus flaring up.
Where the hell are they?
Look, they're diggingthrough meters of solid rock.
It's going to take
a little while.
If they're drilling sohard, why can't we hear them?
[music - "happy birthday"]
[SINGING] Happy
birthday to you.
Happy birthday to you.
Happy birthday dear Gloria.
Happy birthday to you.
GLORIA: Thank you so much.
LUCY: OK, make a wish.
Oh.
Yay.
Woo.
[applause]
Well?
What did you wish for?
I hope it was to get us rescued.
Well, if I tell you
what I wished for,
that means it won't come true.
You wished for somethingelse, didn't you?
Like a new husband,
or I don't know,
some other ridiculous bullshit.
It's Gloria's wish.
Well, she's down
here on my dollar,
so I demand a veto
on all wishes.
I'll tell you
when I wished for.
I wished for a boss whowasn't a total fucking bitch.
I asked her for a dollarbill to go to the bathroom
and she said no.
You wouldn't give her a dollarbill so she could wipe herself?
If I had known it
was your birthday,
I would have given you mylast couple of singles,
but I'm keeping the hundreds.
No one is wiping theirass on a $100 bill but me.
I can tell you why shewant to keep her hundreds.
It's because it's all the
money that she has left.
And by she, I mean we.
Shut up.
Oh, shut up and not telleverybody about the fact
that you've virtually bankruptedus, thanks to your weird ego
trip online business venture?
It's true.
Vanderton University.
Vanderton Wealth Institute?
Whatever you want to call it,it's lost us over 500 grand.
Oh my god.
That's the reason
the accounts are empty?
What do you mean empty?
I mean empty.
Empty of money?
That's the main thing
they're empty of, yes.
My money?
All our fucking money, dude.
Well, what about
the stock options?
They're worthless.
God dammit, guys.
I just bought a dirt bike.
Look, we're all
in this together.
No, we're not.
I'm not even
supposed to be here.
I was going to quit on Monday.
I can't believe this shit.
I was doing this
for all of us.
If the company is
in trouble, it's
because of yourincompetence and laziness.
It was your lack ofcommunication and work ethic
that got us in this mess.
You don't listen to
a single thing we say.
You don't let us make
a single decision.
Lucy, why should we workhard for you when you steal
any good ideas we come up with?
What are you talking about?
The Edible Cutlery,
Lucy, it was my idea.
The hell it was.
I can't believe this.
I came up with the idea when Ifirst started working for Lucy.
All she had back then
was beauty products.
OK.
So maybe the spoons
were your idea,
but the knives and
forks were mine.
Spoons imply knives and forks.
No, there is no such
legal implication.
I mean, anyone can
come up with an idea.
It's another thing
to turn it into
a multi-million-dollar company.
Formermulti-million-dollar company.
I can't believe
you spent all this
money we don't have on anidiotic team-building trip.
Well, I needed to
raise your idiotic game.
By burying us alive?
So the only good idea
this company's ever had
belongs to Freddie the fuck toy.
[music playing]
Freddie the what?
Why do you think
we call you FT?
Because those are my
initials, Freddy Tiwari.
Oh.
Oh my god.
You knew?
You all knew?
That Lucy uses you
as a human dildo?
Yeah.
Don't put it like that.
What is wrong with
two adult colleagues
having a relationship,
especially if they're
chill and not weird about it?
Exactly.
Yeah, what's wrong with that?
Because Freddie was
an intern at the time,
and fucking an
intern is essentially
half a step above fucking ababysitter, in which case, no.
No shade to you or Aidan, but--
Oh, none taken.
JESS: Yikes.
Being Lucy's fuck toy isthe only reason why you've
gotten preferential treatment.
What?
No, I don't get
preferential treatment.
I saw her give
you an extra prong.
I got the same crappy
prong as everyone else.
And besides, it's not
entirely consensual.
OK?
Yeah, she's been
Weinsteining me.
Oh my god.
I have not Weinsteined you.
I have not Weinsteined anyone.
OK, OK.
Maybe not the full
Weinstein, but you
used your power in theworkplace to get sexual favors.
Oh, like I need to do that.
We're a pair of
consenting adults.
You could have walked
out at any time.
You're my boss.
I might not have
a job if I didn't
agree to have sex with you.
Grow up.
All relationships are unequal.
I mean, men have been fuckingtheir secretaries for decades.
Why can't women?
I guess because
it's kind of horrible.
Well, if women can't be
as horrible as men, then
what's fucking feminism for?
What?
Right?
That's a fresh
take on an old idea.
[thud]
Chicken satay with peanutsauce, roast belly pork
with Parmesan potatoes.
Black Forest gateau it's
salty caramel ice cream.
Oh my god.
I don't know what gateauis, but that sounds good.
I can go for that.
Thank you.
It's the best one.
[groaning]
[whirring]
Where are you going?
Over to the store
to get some Sprite.
We're so fucked.
We're so fucked.
We're so fucked.
We're so fucked.
We are so fucked.
For God's sakes,
shut the fuck up.
Oh, fuck you.
Fuck you.
Fuck you.
Were all fucked because of you.
You were the one who thoughtthat a stupid team-building
exercise and taking us downto a fucking advance route
into an underground hell holewould somehow magically unfuck
the company that you fucked.
Hey, it's not Lucy'sfault there was a cave-in.
Thank you Suzy.
Oh, fuck both of you.
Hey, we all need to holdit together down here.
Why?
Look, it's been days, people.
We have not heard any
digging or drilling.
So whether we keep
it together or not,
we're still fucked, right?
[giggling]
Anybody not fucked?
The longest a human beinghas ever gone without food
and water is, like, a week,and we ran out of both of them,
so it's just a matter of time.
Shut up.
OK, I know.
Listen, we don't know forcertain when or if we're
going to be rescued, right?
But we do know for certain thatif we don't eat something soon,
we're all going to die.
We know that.
We're aware of that.
I just want to
mention the fact
that there's one food sourcethat we haven't yet explored.
Oh my god.
You're fucking kidding.
Seriously?
I'm not saying we
should eat Brandon.
No.
I'm just saying we
could eat Brandon.
That's disgusting.
I couldn't eat a person.
I agree, it is disgusting.
But at the same time, I'mterribly fucking hungry.
He did lead us down here.
Helping us survive is
the least he can do.
If we're going to
eat someone, it's
more ethical to eat ourselves.
You mean cut off our armsand eat them like James Franco?
I don't think James
Franco ate his own arm.
I'm not even my
own fucking arm.
That's where I keep my watch.
I heard you should
eat the brain,
because it has sugar in it.
I got a good idea, Gloria.
Why don't you eat
your own brain?
Let me reiterate, OK?
I am not saying we
should eat Brandon.
But if we did eat Brandon,how would we go about it?
I once took a sashimicourse on vacation in Japan.
Did it involve
cutting up human flesh?
No, it was mostly salmon.
Is it OK that
I hate everything
about this conversation?
it's-- it's--
it's not a conversation.
It's a theoretical discussion.
You know what?
A thought experiment.
Oh, these are
for customers only?
Well, I'd be a customer ifyou had any goddamn items.
Jeez.
Real quick, he's
deteriorating at such
a different rate than us.
I'm sorry.
I really don't mean
to be difficult. It's
my last question, I promise.
But do you happen to have aThanksgiving dinner for nine?
Have you guys ever seenthat Ethan Hawke movie, where
those people get
trapped in the Andes
and then they have
to eat their friends?
It's pretty messed up andgross, but they had some time
to mull it over, because
the Andes is basically
like a big-ass refrigerator.
This cave isn't.
So sooner or later,
we're going to have
to make a hard choice aboutwhat to do with that body.
She's right.
Brandon's getting ripe.
Ew.
Jesus Christ.
He's not a piece
of fruit, people.
I think you need
to all take a very
long, hard look at yourselves.
At least he's not
part of the group.
I mean, it wouldn't be likewe were eating a colleague.
So it's OK even astranger, just not your mom?
I'm not saying it's
OK to eat anyone.
But yes, I'd rather eat aguy I just met who I thought
was an asshole than my mom.
Same.
I actually do
know him a little.
Kind of got together with him.
When he came to the officeat that meet and greet,
we went out for pizza.
One thing led to another.
Sex.
So I sort of feel like
maybe it would be nice
for us to not eat him, please.
Look, I don't
think that's a valid
proprietorial relationship.
Why?
What do you mean?
You fucked my lunch.
So what?
I don't care who fucked him.
I'm eating even before heturns into a pile of goo.
I'm with you.
Whoa, whoa, whoa,
whoa, whoa, whoa.
Hold up.
We need to make this
decision as a team,
and there's no I.
There's no I in team.
Yeah, but if you swap
the letters around,
it spells "meat."
We are going to be rescued.
And is that how you want tobe discovered, with Brandon's
ear hanging out of your mouth?
I thought of everything, guys.
I'm sorry, but that
place is bullshit.
So what did I miss?
Guys, Brandon's a human being.
He has a family, and
friends, and feelings.
I mean, I know that thisis a desperate situation,
but if we lose our humanity,
we've lost everything.
Let's take a vote.
Who's in for eating Brandon?
Wait, what are we voting on?
Seriously?
Somebody give me a hand.
I'm out.
Hey, Brandon,
buddy, I'm so sorry.
If you can see this from heaven,just know that we all love you.
What the fuck?
[grunting]
He's only got one arm.
Someone's stolen an arm.
Who's got themselves a
nice little snacky arm?
Who looks the fullest?
You do.
Huh?
Who's been munching
on some finger food.
How about you, queen bee?
Huh?
What about me?
Be my guest.
I don't have anything to hide.
What?
You just back the fuck off.
This is an invasion of privacy.
[rattling]
[grunts]
[music playing]
Here it is, the smoking arm.
Lucy.
Lucy.
She stole it.
She's been feasting on freshmeat while we've been starving?
So that's why you didn'twant us to eat Brandon.
You wanted to keep
him all to yourself?
You sick fuck.
I fed and watered Brandon.
I bought him a burrito, OK?
His nutrients should be mine.
Well, you've had your share.
The rest of him is ours.
Jesus fucking Christ.
The caving permit.
Oh, no, no, the caving permitthat you said that you filed
with the ranger
station, the caving
permit that you couldn't havefiled with the ranger station
because I'm holding
in my fucking hand.
How could you?
Oh, shit.
Oh shit, shit.
No one knows we're here.
No one's coming to see us.
I hate you, Lucy.
I really fucking hate you.
Why did you say
you handed it in?
I thought that I had.
I-- I must have
gotten side tracked
when I was helping you with--with the boulders, and then I--
I was looking for some
ass-wiping material,
and I found it.
I was trying to
protect you, and it's
just been so much pressure.
And look, I then made
an executive decision,
because if you knew that
I hadn't, you guys--
it would have just gotten--
gotten weird.
You fucked us.
You fucked us all.
That is exactly what
I was talking about.
Somebody is going
to find the tour bus
and-- and a yellow Porsche.
How could they-- how
could they miss it?
We're in the middle
of the fucking desert.
No one's going to see
that yellow Porsche.
OK, wait.
Everybody calm down, OK?
Even though Lucy
super fucked us,
we still need to focus
on staying alive.
And all we can doright now is eat Brandon,
so I suggest we eat Brandon.
Who wants first bite?
Fuck it, I'll do it.
I'll do it.
I'll do it.
Here, give it to me.
[chewing]
Does it tastes like chicken?
No.
OK.
It's chewy it's
definitely a chewy--
a chewy dish.
[thud]
[music playing]
[grunting]
Why go to all the troubleof putting me in a prison when
we're already all in a prison?
We're putting you in prisonbecause you're a damn criminal
and you deserve to be punished.
Well, it's totalbullshit, because I could
get out whenever I wanted.
No, you can't, because
we won't let you.
Yeah, this is ametaphorical cage in addition
to being an actual cage.
It was just a part of an arm.
God.
Somebody had to be
the meat pioneer.
Right, and it had to be you.
It always has to be you.
At least I showed
some restraint.
You little piggies ain't enoughof Brandon to last us a month,
you greedy fucks.
So how are you feeling
post eating Brandon?
Full, partially of Brandon,mostly of self-loathing.
Yeah, that was pretty gnarly.
Yeah.
FREDDIE: What the fuck.
JESS: Holy shit.
SUZY: What was that?
DEREK: Goddamn.
What the hell is happening.
Maybe the battery died.
Does anybody have aflashlight on their phone
or a headlamp that works?
Shit.
Please, please, please.
[zapping]
Fuck.
JESS: Oh my god.
MAY: Oh, thank god.
Oh, I guess you
dickheads didn't
take care of your headlamps.
Hey.
No prisoner property.
I'm confiscating that.
Watch the hair.
Hey.
ah!
Hey, how much battery is left?
How long does it have?
No idea.
Guys, I have something
that might help.
It's a wearable kinetic charger.
A what?
It's like one of thoseshake-to-shine flashlights.
It transfers my armmovements into electricity.
Wow.
Great stuff, Aidan.
Where did you get that?
It comes in handy
when you're traveling.
You mean like when you'rein a hotel room, beating off?
Well, yeah.
It's called the Wankband.
OK.
Guys, personally, I don't lovethe idea of watching Aidan rub
himself stupid just
to give us enough
light to watch ourselves
die of starvation.
Do you have a better idea?
Yeah.
I think we should try
the tunnel Aidan found.
[clattering]
You ever heard the expression,when you're in a hole,
stop digging?
It's better to go furtherdown than just stay up here.
No, it's clearly worse.
What could be worse than this?
Imagine this,
but also you're--
you're dead.
OK.
Guys, if we don't try to
find a way out of here,
we're all going to die.
Now, I'm going down there.
Who's going with me?
I can't.
I'm all lupused out.
I'll go.
Great.
Yeah, this is the
right thing to do.
Yeah, take some action,
maximize our odds.
We're going to
need the headlamp.
Fuck that.
Finders keepers.
All right, then you keep theheadlamp and then come with us.
Fuck that.
Listen, you probablydon't know this about me,
but I was married once.
My wife's name was Claire.
She died.
I remember cleaning outthis closet after she died
and finding this beach ball.
I remembered it was
Claire who blew it up.
I got rid of everything
that reminded me of her.
It was just too painful.
But one thing I couldn'tget rid of was that ball.
I still have it,
because Claire's breath
is still in there.
And as long as there's
breath in my body,
and Claire's breath
is in that beach ball,
I'm going to find us
a way out of here, OK?
And I need your help.
You should do it, Billy.
Yeah, Billy.
It'd actually be nice totake a little break from you.
You've been nothing but amoaning drain on all of us
since we got down here.
Wow.
OK.
Here, take it.
But you're not going with me.
Oh, wow.
Great, yeah.
Just maybe put some clothes on.
Uh-huh.
For Claire.
For Claire.
Wow, that was amazing.
Thanks.
I'm really sorry
that happened to you.
I didn't know
you were married.
Also, you must have
been super young.
Yeah.
Actually, that was quote.
What?
A quote.
What?
Oh, the speech,
it's from CSI New
York season one episode one.
OK.
But it worked though, right?
Yeah, yeah.
Totally.
Good old Gary Sinise.
Hey, listen.
Thank you, you know, for
having my back just now
and just, I don't
know, being awesome
through this whole experience.
I think we make a
pretty good team.
Wow.
Is this-- is this friendshipright now happening?
Oh, yeah, it is.
OK, cool.
Yeah, it's weird,
a good weird.
Yeah.
It's a good weird.
Friend request sent.
Oh, got it.
Accept.
Hey, you two lovebirds,don't hold back on my account.
What the-- that's not
what's happening here.
It's so not what's
happening right now.
Besides, he's got
Brandon breath.
- Really?
- It's totally fine.
I have it, too.
We just ate, like, a whole dude.
OK.
[music playing]
Oh, OK, guys.
Definitely don't look down.
Oh, God.
Jesus Christ.
Calm down.
OK, OK.
What the hell am
I doing up here?
I'm not a hero.
I'm a cowardly asshole.
I'm really comfortablebeing a cowardly asshole.
Uh, there's a ledge andI'm going to have to jump,
so should I jump?
Yeah.
I mean, if you're going
to jump, fucking jump.
[shouting]
Jess, I jumped.
OK.
[shouting]
Oh, god.
Oh, god.
Oh.
Moaning drain.
Moaning drain.
I mean, you know, come on.
It's not like I'm completelyclosed to criticism,
but any way you slice that,that is just fucking rude.
Guys, what is that light?
Oh my god.
I think we found--
Oh my god, it's water.
Oh god, I'm thirsty.
JESS: Oh my gosh.
BILLY: I'm so thirsty.
JESS: Wait.
How do you know
it's safe to drink.
It's cave water.
So?
So what do you think
Evian's made from?
Pure delicious cave water.
This its purest in the
purest form of Evian,
and it's all ours.
[slurping]
Look, newts.
What?
It's filled with newts.
Oh, god, delicious,
nutritious newts.
I don't think you
should be eating those.
[chattering]
Oh my god, it's still alive.
How is it still alive?
He's fighting his way back up.
It doesn't want to go down.
I wonder if they canregenerate in our bellies,
because they can regenerate.
See, I told you it's great.
Everything is fine.
[gurgling]
[vomiting]
Jesus, Freddie.
What the--
[vomiting]
Hey.
You never told me about Brandon.
Oh, there's not much to tell.
It was before you and I
got together, I swear.
Yeah, like a few days before.
I don't see how that matters.
I'm sorry.
If Brandon wasn't crushedto death by those rocks,
would you still be
sleeping with him?
Are you asking me to choosebetween you and the man I spent
one night with and then ate?
I don't know if you're thekind of person I can have
a long-term relationship with.
You're being really needy.
I'm not being needy.
I just don't think you've beencompletely honest and open
with me, and it's hard for me,because there are reminders
of Brandon everywhere.
You don't think
it's hard for me?
I'm telling you rightnow, sleeping with someone
and then eating them,
it's not nothing.
Can we just pretend that'snot happening right now?
I don't know if I can.
[shaking]
[MUSIC - BRITNEY SPEARS,
"TOXIC"]
BRITNEY SPEARS: [SINGING] Oh,the taste of your lips, I'm
on a ride.
Your toxic, I'm slipping under.
With the taste of the poisonparadise, I'm addicted to you.
Don't know that you're toxic?
And I love what you do.
Don't you know
that you're toxic?
[thud]
Brandon?
Hey, what's up Freddie?
It's me, Brandon.
I want you to do me a favor.
Just use my body as your gift,and the blood I have shed,
drink it.
Dine on my flesh in
remembrance that I have
died so that you might live.
I am your meat god, Freddie.
Consume me and you willconsume the knowledge to escape
this forsaken underworld.
[cackling]
Consume me.
[laughter]
[crunch]
[music playing]
MAN 1: [SINGING] Hey.
Hey.
Hey.
Good work, Freddie.
You made it, and you
only had to eat one guy.
It's all totally cool.
Oh my God.
[groaning]
Here's a little gift
to help you celebrate.
[popping]
Ice cream!
Thank you, Gary Sinise.
[chattering]
Hey, It's me.
I mean, it's you,
but like, cool you,
without the stupid
company shirt.
[giggling]
Are you knitting?
You best believe I'm knitting,because I don't care that mommy
and daddy told me to stop.
Real men don't knit.
Fuck that bullshit.
I don't have time to knit.
Chill out, company man.
That's some shit.
Eat an ice cream.
That's all I do not,
knit and eat ice cream.
Why the fuck do anything else?
MAN 1: [SINGING] Hey Hey.
Hey, hey.
I told you not to eat the newts,but you didn't listen to me,
did you?
No, I'm not
going to wear them.
[giggling]
I'm not going to
wear these boots.
These are Hitler's boots.
I'm not wearing Hitler's boots.
OK, let's get the
fuck out of this cave.
Let's go.
[chuckling]
[music playing]
BILLY: Oh, I can't
believe you saw my cock.
FREDDIE: Don't worry,
we didn't see anything.
BILLY: Whoa.
JESS: Shit.
My headlamp died.
BILLY: Oh, god.
Oh, god.
Oh, god.
FREDDIE: I'm so sorry.
I never should have broughtus down here I fucked us--
BILLY: He fucked us all.
JESS: Wait, shut up.
Look.
Guys, is that what
I think it is?
FREDDIE: Yes.
[cheering]
JESS: We did it.
We're getting out of here.
FREDDIE: I can't believe it.
Thank you, Gary.
BILLY: Yes, we're leaving!
FREDDIE: Thanks, Gary.
Thank god.
I'm never going
spelunking again.
I've never been going hiking.
BILLY: Madam, lock
up your prostitutes.
Let's do it.
FREDDIE: Yes.
We can have so much ice cream.
BILLY: Baby, let's go.
We're getting out!
[music playing]
JESS: What you see?
BILLY: There's a rabbit,
delicious rabbit.
Well, looks like youdidn't need me after all.
Oh, please tell
me it's rabbit.
JESS: Fuck!
[thud]
[music playing]
What's that smell?
I think it's Aidan's leg.
What?
Oh, no.
Wait, do-- do you think
it might have gangrene?
[grunt]
Yeah, textbook gangrene.
Oh my god.
Oh my god.
Calm down.
There is a solution that'llcheck off all the boxes.
OK, what is it?
Amputation.
Oh, I don't know.
It's the only way to be sure.
Ow, ow.
And the upside,
it's dinner time.
DEREK: Good idea.
You know that I
love you guys, and I--
I would do anything
for this team.
But I'm not 100% sure
that I want Derek to cut
my leg off with a penknife.
It's not a penknife.
It's a butterfly knife.
Oh, that's-- that's better.
I mean, I do like butterflies.
They're so pretty.
Hey, stop it.
Don't do it if he's not into it.
What?
He just said he
might be into it.
Well, I'm not
completely not into it.
But at the same time, I'mnot completely into it.
He's been jerking himselfsilly for, like, days, guys.
He doesn't know whether hewants a shit or a haircut.
God, I would love
to get a haircut,
and take a shit, or both.
I feel terrible.
It's my joints.
I need some anti-inflammatoriesfor my lupus.
If it gets worse, I
might have a seizure.
Oh, no.
What are you doing?
Nothing.
You're looking at me likeI'm a turkey at Thanksgiving.
That is a terrible
delicious thing to say.
Lupus, that's a very
serious illness, right?
How long can a person gowithout medicine, theoretically?
I don't know.
But if I die, Lucy is
not allowed to eat me.
What do you care?
You'd be dead.
OK, I am hereby making
an official legal will.
Everybody apart from Lucy isallowed to eat me if I die.
Not even a finger?
Jess, you get first
pick of my parts.
You always watch out for me,and I've always liked you.
OK, thanks.
Just tell me what
part you want and I'll
put your name next to it.
Why don't you pick, you know?
Surprise me.
If Jess doesn't wantit, can I get an asscheek?
I really don't mind whichone, but if I had to choose,
I'd say lefty.
Hey, good choice.
Freddie gets second pick.
I don't give a shit.
Well, not the response
I was hoping for.
Listen, I've been
on a vision quest.
I've seen through theother end of the telescope.
I've looked at the other
side of the potato.
And you know what I learned?
That this company is bullshit,and you can all shove my Edible
Cutlery up your assholes.
We're all just eyelashes
on the face of God.
OK, whatever.
Maybe we should try
drinking our own piss.
Huh?
What would happen if
we drank our own piss?
We'd still die, butthe last thing we'd taste
would be our own piss.
Hey.
Hey, prisoner leaving theprison area, what are you doing?
Get back in there.
OK.
I don't want to be
the voice of doom.
But I think that Gloria'snot looking too good.
Lady Gaga has lupus.
If she has it, it
can't be that bad.
I don't think so.
What is your point?
OK.
My point is are we
going to just sit
here and wait for
her to die, or are
we going to speed things up?
You mean like with the--
like hitting her with a rock?
That's horrible, no.
I was thinking more like
a coat over the face.
My god.
Jesus.
What?
It's good, right?
This is all I could muster.
Anybody want some?
No, thank you.
I'm good.
I'm not there yet.
But an asscheek
and a swig of this,
and won't be no
talking on both jaws.
What?
Even got some fizz to it.
Hard pass.
More for me.
You're still peeing?
I haven't peed in three days.
Poems, oh.
Hey.
Look at this.
Gloria's been writing
fucking poetry.
Give me that.
That's private.
Hold on.
My plight has given me wealthmore important than my health.
Trapped in this cavern of doom,I have found some psychic room.
When I feel the darkness call,I see God's face on the wall.
Which wall is that, Gloria?
Is that the one that Derektook a giant shit against?
OK, well, it's a
first draft, so--
Poetry is not a crime, Billy.
Give her back her
fucking notebook.
Uh-huh.
Shit, hold on now.
I hereby give permissionfor posthumous publication
of these poems.
You're going to publish,make money off our deaths?
That's for my girls.
I just want to leave
them something.
Fuck those little assholes.
They're seven and nine.
Well, I refuse to bememorialized by shitty poetry.
It's embarrassing.
Like, who uses rhyming
couplets anymore?
If you hate it so
much, why don't you
write your own fucking poetry?
You know what?
How about the punishment
for writing bad poetry
should be that we kill
Gloria and eat her?
Jesus Christ.
You've lost your fucking mind.
No, this is survival
of the fittest.
Survival of the
fittest doesn't
mean killing the unfittest.
Nobody is killing anyone.
If we die, we die together.
What's wrong with one of usdying to save the rest of us?
As long as the one
who dies isn't you.
I mean, I'll freely
admit that if one of us
dies I am going to eat
them in a heartbeat.
But what you suggesting is--
There's crossing the lineand then there's smashing
through it with a truck.
I get it.
Not everyone has
balls big enough
to make the hard decisions.
That's what leaders do.
It's the white man's burden.
Oh, so you're a white
man now, Acama queen?
I wear many hats.
I know why you
want to eat Gloria.
It's because you're a vampire.
You've been sucking my bloodfor years, but all of that
stops now.
That is bullshit.
You wanted a sexy as helltough as nails lady boss,
and you just couldn't handle it.
OK, fine.
It's true.
I didn't have the confidenceto make my idea work.
You did.
And you know what?
I liked it when you fucked me.
Yeah, I even liked it whenyou put things up my ass
occasionally.
But when I stopped liking it andI asked you to stop doing it,
you carried on, and
that's not OK, Lucy.
And I'm not going to
let you do it anymore.
Fuck you and fuck this company.
I resign.
I'm going to stop workingand start knitting.
Knitting?
Just because I'm a guydoesn't mean I can't knit, OK?
OK.
I'm going to knit
the most amazing
sweater you've ever seen.
Freddie's right.
You have some major
boundary issues.
You guys know that shethreatened to fire me because I
turned off my
phone for two hours
while I attended my
grandma's funeral?
I was hosting my bestfriend's bachelorette party,
and we needed a patio
heater delivered.
I mean, do you know howcold it was when the patio?
It is not my job to keepyou cold-ass friends warm.
You-- you break my heart.
I mentored you because
I wanted a little
of the light that's alwaysshined on me to reflect on you.
When I found out your momdied when you were so young,
I decided to be the
mom that you never had.
What the fuck?
It was never enough.
You just wanted more, more,more. you and your fucking MBA,
he didn't want to be my mentee.
You didn't want to work for me.
No, you wanted to replace me.
I don't want to be in yourshadow for the rest of my life.
Is that a crime?
You need to get real.
Would you be without me?
Not in this
fucking cave, Lucy.
Do you know when I hiredyou, and you, and you,
and you, and you, I stepped up?
I gave you an opportunityof a lifetime.
And yes, there was some
sweet, sweet grant money
from the minorities
and business agency,
but that was just a bonus.
I did this for all of you asa gift, a gift from my heart.
You never gave
us anything, OK?
We all worked really hardto get to where we are.
Two words, affirmative action.
Do you want to be a quota queen?
Is that what you want?
Because you better
start asking yourself,
who am I when I'm notblack and I'm not a woman?
Who am I and what
do I have to give?
You know what?
It's people like
you think you're
part of the solution when you'rethe whole fucking problem.
And on top of
that, your opinions
are bad you're a huge asshole.
In fact, the only
good idea you ever had
was Freddie's, and the onlything you'll ever be famous
for is for the fact that you ateour dead spelunking instructor.
Don't you talk to
your mother that way.
You're not my mother.
Yes I am.
FREDDIE: Get the fuck off her!
Fuck.
Oh my god.
Oh my god.
Oh, god.
I'm sorry, Lucy.
I didn't mean to--
no, Lucy.
I'm so sorry.
I'm sorry.
I'm sorry.
[tapping]
[booming]
What the hell is that?
Britney?
Is that you, Britney?
Is that a drill?
Oh my god, it is.
It's a drill!
[cheering]
BILLY: Hey, Hey, we're in here.
Freddie.
Yeah, yeah.
I'm going to rat you
out, you manslaughterer.
You're going to
die alone in jail.
You pussy.
What's up?
Is she dead?
What?
She says she's
going to tell the cops
that I tried to kill her.
I'm going to go to jail.
No.
I'm going to die in jail.
No.
OK, you were trying
to protect me.
She's a fucking sociopath.
Let's just say that she tripped.
What if they send a cracksquad of forensic investigators
with black lights?
This is exactly the kindof case that a crack squad
of forensic investigators
with black lights
would solve within seconds.
They're not going to do that.
This isn't CSI.
All you have to do
is relax, OK, and not
tell them the whole truthabout what happened.
I can't lie to the police.
They'll never believe me.
OK.
Everybody, listen up.
All right?
When the rescuers get downhere, she's going to try
and get Freddie arrested.
We need to make sure thatFreddie knows that he's not
alone, OK, that we're
not going to let
him take the rap for this.
We need to finish
what he started.
I wasn't trying to kill her.
It's OK, I got this.
Teamwork makes the dream work.
[music playing]
[drilling]
Lucy, Lucy, I'm so sorry.
I didn't mean for
you to hit your head.
I just didn't want
you to hurt Jess.
And I-- I know I know I saidsome horrible things about you,
but you're a good person.
I mean, you're
not, but you were.
We had some good times,right, in the early days,
like that-- like the
trip to Sausalito?
Remember?
We ate the clam chowder
in the bread bowls.
They served soup in bowls madeout of bread, and we ate it.
The soup, the bowl,
the whole damn thing.
[grunting]
Come on!
Fuck.
It's too heavy.
You guys, what about
Brandon's walking pole?
Yes.
Actually, that's perfect.
We can use it as a lever.
And it's metal, so it
won't snap this time.
That's what gave me theidea for the Edible Cutlery.
Yeah.
I mean, if you can eat a bowl,why not a spoon, you know?
Lucy, if you hadn't taken meto Sausalito on company money
to fuck my brains
out, I never would
have eaten the bread
bowl, and I never would
have thought of the spoons.
SUZY: Ready?
BILLY: Ready.
[groaning]
OK, OK.
Come on.
Come on.
[groaning]
It's all because of you.
[mumbling]
Guys, I think she's
trying to say something.
These might be her last words.
Yeah.
Rosebud.
I'm sorry, what?
It's my nickname
for your dick.
Never mind.
Hey.
OK, everybody's.
We've got to work
together as a team.
All right.
[groaning]
[whoosh]
[thud]
[music playing]
[cheering]
[clattering]
[explosion]
[laughter]
RESCUER: We're in.
Hold on.
Stop.
We're in.
OK, guys.
We're in.
Let's prepare for extraction.
All right.
If we're going to
have people over,
I mean, we should
clean this place up.
RESCUER: Hey, is
everyone OK down there?
Yeah, we're here.
RESCUER: Is everyone safe?
We're safe.
Most of us are safe.
DEREK: You got any
circus peanuts?
[music playing]
JESS: Oh, hell.
DEREK: Oh my god.
SUZY: Yum.
Fritos.
DEREK: Who knew they
could taste so good.
AIDAN: This'll be so much fun.
Well, yeah. no, a couple ofus did die, but you know what?
I-- I wouldn't change itfor anything in the world.
DEREK: If y'all not careful,I'll eat this whole table.
AIDAN: Mom says hi.
All right, guys.
The press is ready for you.
[music playing]
MAN 2: [SINGING] And I
got some satisfaction.
Woo, I got some.
REPORTER: What was theworst moment of your ordeal?
Well, running out oftoilet paper on the first day
was pretty rough.
[reporters clamoring]
JESS: Yes?
How did you manage to surviveso long without food or water?
Oh, we happened to havea supply of Edible Cutlery.
We ate our guide.
We ate Brandon.
We had to.
I didn't.
I'm sorry.
They did, but I didn't.
Yes, you did.
He did.
No.
No, see.
I mean, OK.
Yeah, I did, but I
didn't eat a lot.
I just had a little bit.
He died in the cave-in.
Before we ate him.
Yeah, we didn't eat him alive.
Hi.
I'm Brandon's fiancee.
Oh.
Oh, shit.
I just wanted to hear
it from your mouths
why you ate Brandon.
The last thing that wewanted to do was eat Brandon.
We liked him a lot.
We liked him.
We loved him.
We all knew him equally
the same amount.
But we had to do it.
He saved us.
OK, thank you.
Thank you.
Thank you for being
so cool about it.
Can you give us somedetails on the circumstances
of Lucy Vanderton's death?
Uh-huh.
Yeah, it was super tragicwhat happened to her.
I mean, wow.
I want to say
something about Lucy.
Lucy, Lucy was the most amazingwoman and inspiring leader
I've ever known.
And that most of
all, she taught us
how to work together as a team.
Uh-huh.
--which is why this nextpart is so hard to say.
Don't say it.
It was really tragic.
The way the rock just
fell on her sucked.
A horrible accident.
Yeah, she was lying
down celebrating
and the rock was worked
loose by the drilling,
and then it just fell.
--sort of off a ridge.
--right on top of Lucy.
So it was the rescuers' fault.
Well, no one's
playing the blame game.
But if we did have to blamesomeone, it would be them.
Uh-huh, uh-huh.
Gravity.
[music playing]
Any other questions?
[reporters clamoring]
MAN 2: [SINGING] Ow, I got some.
It sure was good, yeah.
Yes it was.
I got some.
Oh, it sure was good.
Oh, oh, oh.
I went up to the mountainto see the rising sun.
I came back to my baby andI got some satisfaction Woo.
I got some.
Uh.
Sure was nice.
Yes, it was.
Let me tell you about it.
I got to hug and squeeze
her once or twice.
Yes, I did.
I came home in the evening aftera hard day's work was done.
I put my arms around my babyand I got some satisfaction.
WOMAN 2: Daddy, relax.
Make yourself at home.
MAN 2: [SINGING] Oh,
around about midnight.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Sure was good.
Yes, it was.
Yes, it was.
She kissed and hugged me tight.
Said everything's
going to be all right.
And I turned out the light,and I got some satisfaction.
She said sugar.
WOMAN 2: Sugar.
MAN 2: [SINGING]
Take it easy now.
WOMAN 2: And take it slow.
MAN 2: [SINGING] She
said take it slow.
You don't have to fight.
Just-- just relax and
let the love light go.
I got out of bed this morning.
I faced the rising sun.
Came home in the evening,and I got some satisfaction.
Yeah!
WOMAN 2: Make yourself at home.
MAN 2: [SINGING] In the evening.
Around about midnight.
WOMAN 2: You know
girls, I just got to.
MAN 2: [SINGING] I
just got to have some.
Ruby, oh.
Oh, Ruby.
You make me feel so good.
I just got to do
it one more time.
[music playing]
MAN 1: [SINGING] Hey.
Hey.
Hey.
Hey.
Hey.
Hey.
Hey.
Hey.
Hey.
Hey.
Hey.
Hey.