Cosmic Blast (2018) Movie Script
1
The Great War will live
Vividly in the mind's of american's
for the next 100 years
I hope that when we do rememberance
to the memory of our brave boys
who fell in france
we shall not forget their brother's in arms
who wore the uniforms of our allies
I believe that the national lare of france
Great Brittan
Italy and Belgium
should for all time to come
be as familiar to us
as our own star spangled banner
(Old Timey Music Plays)
(song) Did you ever hear the story
did you ever hear the yarn?
Bout what?
Bout Gassoline Gus!
He saved up a dollar
Then he barrowed 20 cents
Then what?
For the Jitney Bus
His Coffee meal was made of tin,
but tin was made to pack things in
He hung a sign, and it read thus
this is Gasoline Gus and His Jitny Bus
Gus... Gus
Gasoline Gus
Gasoline Guis and his Jitny Bus
He packed 'em on the fenders
and he packed 'em on the hood
he packed 'em by the dozen
And the other dozen stood
From out the Heap, there came a cry
Hey! get that Suitcase out of my eye!
Gus, Gus, Gasoline Gus.
Gasoline Gus and his Jitny bus
(song ends)
Commrad Bulshov
You are wanted in interegation rooms
1 through 12
Commrad Bolshov
You are wanted in interegation rooms
1 through 12
(Russian music plays)
Greatings
And Welcome
from the New Soviet Replublic of Planets
My name is Doctor Bulshov
And i am here to interegate you today
(Comical yet unnerving music)
I have but, two questions for you
Who are you?
And why, were you flying
through red territory
Unrestricted
Without the proper, Identification
I'ts no secret.
I am Jacob
Captain of the Dva Orla
We were transporting good
When unusual circumstances befell my crew
I'm not telling you anything
If i rat out my friends...
can i go back to civilian life?
You don't look very new soviet to me
can i just clarifyone thing
before we get started
the woman, you found in the hall...
was not a sex robot
-
we're not scientists...
hiding the next superweapon...
I promise
she was just your average companion robot
like those little seals, or the dogs
only she could cook and clean, and stuff
I love communism
I've never not loved Communism
I just don't wear the colors because I....
don't want to die
Nope
I am programed to please in many ways
and in many languages
I don't want to be here,
Can i go home please
let me start from the begining
(Powerful hopeful music)
Alright buddy
Looks like the radiation is from the west
so if the wind does not pick up
we;re going to be ok
give me your knife
(Stripping wires and grunting)
You are scraping to many of the wires off
I do not know if you speak russian
but i do not speak russian,
so i have to guess which one is the door
Could try one at a time
its not that one
(odd sounds door opens)
Did you do that?
Yeah...
this thing must have a working fusion core
thats why the lights are on
Score
(lights turn on)
Oh wow
Hey, come look at this part!
Oh my god, looks like a house!
Got a... could put a sofa there
you can put a tv there
is that Stalin?
Well you work
Oh my god that is Stalin
Hello comrad
Mind if i look out your window?
Oh yeah Sure, that make sense
I'm going to check out this room
we need to get to the engine room,
and rip the core out
before any other salveger does
Door open
lets try manualy
(light turns on noisily)
(ominous music)
(clicking button)
(door closes)
Hope that opens
(Computer noises)
(Russian language)
(Spanish Language)
(For English, please press 3)
(German Language)
Thank you for pressing three
Instructions and controls
Have been modified
for your personal preference
If you would like to change this option
You may do so at any time
through the main menu
Welcome to the new soviet vessel
Dva Orla
Communism is the only way to fly
Peter
Yeah?
I think we can fix this
What are you talking about
I think we can do it,
i think we can fix this Durging ship
whatever you did must have reset everything
But, I am registerd as the pilot
WHat are you talking about?
This is a space ship
We can not fix a space ship
One little mistake and PFFFAHHHHHPPUUULLKU
I checked
We get Edwardo to resurface the tiles
We get a salvedge title
and we are ready to go
How are we going to pay for all that?
We sell the car
(Triumphant music plays)
(Suspense music takes over)
One of your friends
may... or may not have....
told me, that they saved you...
from a slave market
would you care to eleborate
that is compleate and total bull
fine, if they are going to talk,
then i am going to tell you the truth
(curious music)
oh, just put a tissue
on it, it will be fine
Alright mr. Jenson
lets have a look at that root canal
(videophone calling)
Look Ricky
I need you to get that
package to Nueva Tiera
right now!
Hey Hey, don't worry boss
don't worry
As soon as a legitimate
buisness comes my way
I'll have this thing
right on it going too..
Nueva
Tiera
otherwise, you know whats going to happen
your nuts. in a jar...
Nuts in a jar Ricky!
Ya Ya Ya i get it i get it
my nuts in a jar
but don't worry
I'll have it there on time
I'm a professional
I don't care what you need to do
you hide that thing in a shipment
and you get it over here
yeah yeah yeah yeah
Come on, i know
Honey, do you think you can put
one of these pillow in your suitcase?
Diane!
I'm Busy over here, I'm doing Buisness
Alright ricky
You better do better
I got to go
before my wife packs the
bed in the suitcase.
Goodbye
This isn't Edwardos
This is an old Calonial barn in downtown...
New Millwaukee
Yeah but
We have to get a title
Before we put any money in it
Ah.... Smart
Hey, welcome to Ricky's Blacksmith shop
I can forge anything
Oh ho that's clever
we need a title for a vehicle
a real Salvage title
for a REAL salvaged vehicle
Oh yeah yeah yeah sure, how old is it?
Roughly hundred...
Hundred and twenty years old
whoa not many survivors of the galactic war
you sure that thing's not more modern?
Oh yeah
This has got surplus written all over it
(dentist drill)
(humourous music)
Ricky!
Shoot
Ricky
Whoa! if it isn't my beautiful
Jewel of the Dentistry
how can i help you today?
Your stupid extension cord pulled out again
and i'm in the middle of a root canal
One second please
Gee thanks
You know i pay enough rent here,
that you could install a perminant outlet
Consider it done
My princess of plaque removal
Yeah Sure.... Three years from now
yeah, sorry about all that
but, yeah your a
problem should not be a big deal
all just legaleeze
Doting I's Crossing T's so...
I'll be able to take
care of that no problem
with a small fee of course
Which brings us to our second point.
One, we need a job
Two
we need paper's...
that guarentee us safe passage
no matter what side of the war
we are boarded by.
Ah, now i see why you came to me!
You wan't your title
In exchange for your first job
am i right?
No way
We want to get paid for that too
right right right sure yeah
Actualy, you are in a heck of a lot of luck
if that thing can fly
to Nueva Tiera that is
Its going to be like a month
in a class 5
It will make it
besides, what else are we doing
hey that's right!
And if you get through this with the cargo
you will have some dough in your pockets
by the end of this too
Believe me
Alright
You run these number
Make sure it's not stolen for us
and we will be right back
yeah yeah yeah don't worry
the numbers will be checked
Got a comunicator?
Our number is in the folder
(drilling)
Well i think that concludes
our buisness then
I'll see you guys later
alfeeterzay... umm
Alfretasay?
Goodbye
get out of here
siera zonka
Whatever
Now i gotta find a cargo
Hey Tina?
(drill)
Tina?
Tina?
(Drill stops)
I;m a little busy Rick
How would you like to get tha.....
How would you like to get that..
Medical Degree you are always talking about
a real one this time
you know i do
plug that thing in.
I have a man in increadible pain
he didn't pay the extra for the anesthetic
I hear Nueva Tiera
has some excelent universities!
All you have to do is
work with sick students and stuff
and its free
And being the nice guy that i am
look at this
I'll take what you paid in rent
put it right towards the ticket
just with a tiny little fee
it will be fine
Are you serious?
(Mumbled) Im in increadible pain
yeah, i'll be with you in a second....
tell me more!
(Rock and Roll music Plays)
Dang
That looks like a lot of work yo
looks like a lot of work... lot of work
mmm we gonna get paid!
Alright, what's the damage?
You must be warping
this thing is crash, like tottaly rad yo
Translation?
It means the ship's in good shape
thank you
but can you fix it?
Are you kidding me?
This elevator is Scratching
like a gittyup lazer DJ
how much do we need to fix it up?
You slip diss slip diss
we got mad waves bro
we gonna like
Stitch you in
Scrape her down
and that will only be 500
but then we got to do the flame job
and that's gonna be 8 grand because,
you gotta do it
and it need to handle the
heat from the landing yo
i love your enthusiasm
but you are talking lobster dinner,
and we are on a popcorn budget
oih come on
you can't diss a clas boo like her
she deserves flames
lights...
a classic like this
don't deserve no 359
she deserves the whole '60
(rock and roll and silence)
Fine
The outer shell is lennenite
so that will hold up
we're gonna put a couple new monitors...
in the cock pit
lock a couple other things in
we could do it for your car
but it aint going to be pretty
as long as it will fly
You have my word
but
that don't mean much, cause if it
doesn't go right
You'll never see me again
(laughing) lets get started
(montage rock music)
Hey man, look what i found...
in one of these compartments
Yo is that heavy?
It aint light
We keeping this
YEAH!
Man... why won't this door cloase right
Eh, you Fred...
Make sure you fix that hidra
Oh man... hope nobody notices
Hey where'd it go?
I thought i just had it
Got another one for ya,
you don't need help with that do you?
Na, man i got this i got this
Eh, yo Fred!
Make sur eyou get that hidra fixed
Aww man... I aint even got time to light
this Ciggerete i so busy over hear man
Haha
It was stuck on my chair!
Stuck on my chair
Where did it go? Right here!
He he he he yeah baby
look at that!
Hey, here's another one
Aint nobody noticing,
we drinkin' on the job
Oh man
Eh yo Homey!
I got your wrench, you need your wrench?
I got your wrench.
I don't need that wrench no more man
Oh, you don't need the wrench
Man
Close man!
Eh, man i'm done with that
What do you need?
EHYEAY!
Sorry about that homey!
Alright, so this is the main controls
But as long as we have
the laptop patched in
i figured what the hell
Patch the controls into the keyboard.
Go ahead and take the wheel
alright
(Engines start)
(lift off)
(Electro music plays)
Everybody alright?
Clear yo!
(techno music intensifys)
That reminds me
the thrust is the same
But to activate the turn,
you need to use the side arrows in space
its a compleatly different
method of movement
outside the atmosphere
Wow
uhoh
what?
The artificial gravity in the
sleeping Quarters is red
move over
ok, its green now, i guess
it just needed to be reset
yeah. it works
i knew this baby could bounce
aight we done yo!
Give us the keys and thats a fair trade
then we can get out of your hair
come on
we aint got all day
we didnt do this for free
lets go
its a good ship man
Yo, you gonna love it
We out. Peace!
Everything is going to be alright
lets just calm down
calm down?
Everything is not going to be alright!
We just unlocked another
mystery of the universe
that could destroy everything,
You want me to calm down!
Ok
I did not want to do this, but i know a guy
who knows a guy
and maybe
I could call that guy
he will make everything alright
a guy you don't know?
I know the guy who knows the guy
and i know i can trust that...
Guy...
well its better then our options
which is nothing really
except waiting
and hopefully
they just don't find us.
I mean that one guy sold us out
but
they don't know where we are
of course they don't know where we are now,
but if you call someone, they will
be able to track us here
they can't track us here, specificly
they can only track us to the nearest tower
which is miles away, so we're ok
We need to get the samples off the planet
We need to get them off the planet
We need to get them off now
I don't know
you can do
Whatever you think is best
we just need to take care of it...
go take care of it
ok, so i'll call the guy
here
GEOfry, call the guy who
knows the guy i know
That's what i am saying boss
Everything is in the bag
All i need is some sort of a shipment
And that could be just about anything
Heck
I could get a box of potatoes
you know the Ruskies they love that stuff
Alright ricky
Oh wait one second i'm getting another call
Look
We know what you do
All we need from you is to take our...
Shipment off this planet,
with no questions asked or facts given
as soon as possible
Gentleman
You have come to the right place
New Crewmember recorded
Welcome to the Dva Orla
this is nice
kind of a musty smell though
GEOfry Give me an ETA
I don't trust these guys
I'm just gonna
i'm gonna burn it
im going to burn it all
and then we don't have
to worry about it again
You can't burn it, if you burn that stuff
it reacts and we all die
guess thats worse
But it might happen anyway
Maybe its not even in here
We don't know anymore. Maybe it got lost
Its in there
we know that because we put it in there
no don't
(spaceship roars)
(outstandingly awesome rock music plays)
GEOfry give me an exact
location of the ship
(Door Opens)
Excuse me, Is this the Dva Orla?
Yeah
It is
I am doctor Norman Zazzles
And this is my assistant
College
my college
Dr. Rustina Openhiemer
Oh...
Yeah
You are the uhhh
the crew right
Crew? no, were not crew we just passengers
and we have some cargo... to take
Yeah, i know about the cargo
but then it says here.. uh..
Rustina Openhiemer. signed on... Norman
Zazzles
Yeah Zazzles... says right... Crew
GEOfry check that contract again
Excuse me one minute
he always like that?
(phove call) Uh Please and thank you's
excuse my i got another call coming in
Hello How's it going?
Ricky, i want my money back right now
Oh, yeah refund.. you want a refund
yeah refunds are great.
But you know what else is great?
A couple a soldiers
some very ambitious scary looking soldiers
and they are right over there
yeah, they are right here talking to me
and they are looking for you
do you want to say hi to them
Yeah
Lets say hi to them.
Before i get your your refund
here
say hi to the soldiers
See here
amendment 27 here
(mumbling)
grab a box Rustina
why what did he say
Just grab a box i'll explain later
Air systems... green
Guidance..... Green
Gravity... Freaking yellow
Green
Alright, I got the Uh....
Hand's all tied down, and we got the doc so
just about ready to go
is that yellow?
K we are good
I'll tell them to batton down
Rodger that!
Attention crew
this is your captain speaking
we are about to disembark
now would be a great time
to find yourself a seat
put your butts into your chairs
And if you have a seatbelt
I suggest putting it on
and hold on tight
(exciting rock and roll plays)
Attention Crew we have left the atmosphere,
prepare for hyperspace travel
(Futuristic funky music plays)
Shing Ga
Is that our traveling speed?
Edwards must have hooked up up right
Attention crew,
we have reached travling speed
you are free to move about the cabin
alright
Where is my gun?
Oww my writing hand too
Why did you have a knife when we jumped?
I found it in my seat.
What was i supposed to do
not open it up and play with it
what happend
I just cut myself
ill go get the Dr.
Trina!?
Or Tina
Dr. get in here!
Thank goodness it does not look that bad
yeah its fine i just need it cleaned up
Well we don't know where
that knife has been
It could have infections
it will be fine, thats why we have doctors
Well, i don't like seeing you hurt
What?
We got a man hurtm you got to patch them up
sorry i don't work here
what?
Please don't tell me Ricky tricked you too,
Because we paid a boatload to hire you on
hold on just a second
it says right here in black and white that.
Son of a...
you gotta be...
serious?
Where is he?
He is actualy a woman
Hey, that feels pretty good.
Reminds me of when i was a little girl
But why didn't you just
put artificial skin on it
I made that bandage myself
it should heal up without much of a scar
you know
Artificial skin takes up less room
and it does not cost that much more
I'll consider that
thank you very much
I like the whole holistic thing.. but
I't going to suck to
touch stuff for a while
danget, its yellow again
Peter check the artificial gravity
the thing is yellow again
(Muffled) Check the what?
Artificial gravity
(muffled) K...
alright fine
(tools clunking)
(scary mysterious music)
(Music changes tone)
(old cartoon music singing)
This is Horrible....
Oh my god!
(song) Just pretend that your sick
And your Poor back is sore
And Limp with a groan to the hospital door
While your pals train in rain
you can lay back and snore
if you gold brick
just gold brick
just gold brick
(song continues)
Ok You Two
uh...
why don't you go secure those boxes
but i hurt my hand
you got it bandage just go back there
and lock things down tight
but we are already at traveling speed
why would we need to lock things down
we will be slowing down eventualy.
Go do it
alright fine
come on rusty
(Quick exciting music plays)
I am programed to assist you
in any of your needs
I have been programed
with Culinary Recipies
And can organize and steralize
your environment
I am going to have to find
a way to cook in here
How shall i address you
oh yeah oh of course my name's Peter
What's yours
You may call me whatever you wish
my last master refered to me as
(Door opens)
(sigh)
Hand me another strap
no this is rope i want a strap
you used them all
What? when did that happen
When you used 5 million other ones
on all the other boxes
in the other cargo bays
why didn't you tell me
we were running low
I did tell you we were running low
No you didn't
I did too!
When?
When i told you
Our supplies are running low
how am i supposed to know what that meant
What else is that supposed to mean
I don't know how about using Quantative
Adjatives
Like number
I don't know, how am i supposed to know
what the relitive low means
low means few
we had few, now we have zero
is that enough of a number for you? Zero
we have rope
how about using five or three?
One! One rope
what does that mean?
It does not matter sir
My name is now NAT as you requested
well uh NA Tell me about yourself
I was constructedby request
of the great Czar Checkov
I was the most life like
model for two years
before being replaced
I was then modified and repurposed
for use in the kitchen of the great palace
until the great rebelion
I was then given to Czar Checov's son
as he escaped in this vessel with two
other more advanced models
I was placed in storage and forgotten
That's...
not good...
uh, its fine
don't fall down from that big box
and break your neck
Oh by the way, we are running out of straps
there is no down in space
you can't fall down off a box in space
don't get me started on this debae again
because the up and down concept is entirely
created by mas
large enough to have a center of gravity
that you are pulled towards
we have created artificial gravity
so in space here is a down
but the down is a lie!
The more accurate down would be
finding the next closest star or moon
or large planet in order to exert enough
gravitons on us
How do you know that this is a lie?
Because it's artificial
We could change it at any time
(Deep drone of night time)
hey norm?
What?
Do you ever wonder why we became scientists
No.. go to sleep
Well... i don't, I don't know why i don't
I just don't
Interesting
Rusty, go to sleep
I can't, i keep thinking about stuff
try counting sheep
oh what kind?
Uhhh pick your favorite
When i was young, i tried to breed
multicolored sheep to make argile socks
Then count your fingers
Hey Norm
mmmhmmm
when peter touched my gieger counter
it beeped
he is slightly radioactive
he's radioactive?
Mmhmmm
i asked him about it
he said he wexposed
himself to radioactivity
to get out of the draft
shrewed
maybe we should have tried that
yeah
maybe
i wonder what the long term
health effects are
I'm surprised it hasn't deminished yet
I'm guessing he did it a while ago
maybe
maybe there is something else going on
maybe
Maybe he is actualy a robot
and internaly he has like a nuclear reactor
in order to power him
and that's why he is actualy radioactive
and he was just lying to me
I am glad that's settled
huh...
Don't ask me, where i got these
but i was able to find you
a top
some nice pants
and a lovely leather jacket
thank you very much Peter.
Hey Norm
What?
Hey Norm?
What?
I'm glad you are a scientist with me
I'm glad you're a scientist with me too
but not right now because i need some sleep
(jazzy upbeat lounge music!)
Say the sun comes up is because when...
what they see, is the earth going around
the star
now we, are not on said planet
we are in the fork
or the spaceship if you will
Yeah
Wish i had a golf ball
How did you?
Wow uh... thanks... Uh...
any chance you can cut
the next one diagonaly
AHA! I have you now captain freedom!
You will never take me
alive you imperial dog!
AHA, but your phasor cannon
is all out of ammunition, and my
twin crossbows of death,
have you in there sights
thats ok but i have air support
(SCAW)
NO!
Curse you captain freedom, CURSE YOU!!!!
Doc we need you!
I'm watching Wrestletopia.
Its joe Mohawk vrs Larry the Wearwolf
the sun, has nothing to do with it,
it all depends upon our position
no
No
No
No
No... no... yes... yes... yes... no
no
(song ends)
It does not matter what you say
there is no sun up in space
because we are not on a planet
where the sun can come up over the horizen
line in the distance
are you suggesting the sun actualy comes up
over horizen line when you are on a planet?
I am suggesting that the phrase
lends itself to the notion that it appears
to rise and to set
yeah, and at sun up is when you rise
then why do they call it sun up,
and not you up
because you have such a shining personality
you were the one who said there was down
in space, how can you say the sun comes up
when you dont even think there is a down
check
mate
im going to stab you with this fork
do it i dare you
UHHHHHHH
Ok.... Week two
Everybody alright? anything new?
Yeah, the eggs have turned
Thats impossile,
they were powdered and canned
they should last more then a century
We didn't pack any canned bagged eggs
Jesus, these things have been on here
since it was abandoned
Ok
Lets say this is a planet
yeah, ok thats a planet
I'm going to be back before they are done
and this right here, is the sun ora star
Now, if we are on, said planet
sun rises, because the earth goes...
because the planetary system goes
around like this
Alright, and now we are not on said planet
we are here
so you are only suggesting that
that the notion of sun up in space
is insignificant because the sun
Doesn't go up in space
and yet when its used on the planet
the sunalso doesn't go up there either,
so the phrase is felecious to begin with
do you think he is acting weird lately?
I don't know, im a doctor not a psyciotrist
Still bad....
NAT? where did you get those eggs?
NAT?
(Snapping fingers) NA Do you Require me sir?
Yes, Nat, where did you get those eggs?
That you made for us this morning
in the back storage.
My programing requires that i use
the oldest items first
as to prevent spoiledge
Ah um
why don't you show me where
that back storrage is later
but for now i just want you...
when you are cooking
just
Run food by me, just to make
sure it has not spoiled
That is untrue sir,
I checked the compesition
it held a surprising amount of nutrients
including high amounts of protien and iron
without contaminents or pathegeons
ok, i am sure that is true
but
they kinda.. tasted bad
unfortunatly sir i do not have
the ability to taste
right
tell you what
next time just
run anything by me that is passed its
due by date
ok?
Update Accepted
the sun
wewouldn't really know the sun
as like....
the sun, because we are not on earth
we have never been on earth
all the suns are actualy stars
actualy stars
ok alright..
(warning signal)
Warning ship aprouching
Warning ship aprouching
Time to get serious,
and i don't mean the constalation
(Rock and roll Chase music)
Attention ship you are in direct...
shing ga!
That's an imperial Zero Zero Five!
What's going on?
We have a ship in colision course with us
that's an Imperial Zero Zero Five
right
(lazer cannon fire)
that cannon needs a new coil dumbass
you are just blasting off paint
how are you still on me
where is that warning signal coming from?
(mumbling)
Ok we have an imperial cruiser behind us
and they probably want to kill us
so i am really hoping
you know how to use this
I'm a pacifist sir.
I'll take it
alright they are probably going to meet us
in the cargo room, cause thats where
they usualy like to dig in
but uh...
why don't you stand in front and...
put a flower in their gun
wait wait! do you have a gun for me?
Ummm
yeah
its really old so if you have any misfires,
just keep squeezing the trigger
well thats pretty badass
a little small though
B for Boost
B for Boost
B for Boost
warning
Warning
warning
(silence)
(spaceship flies by noise)
(Quiet spaceship zoom)
(rock Music restarts)
He'll blow the engines
wait how serious is this?
(lazer fire)
(space explosion)
Holy Buckets, the reactor went. thier dead.
Attention, The hostile ship behind yours
has been destroyed
Please drop below light speed
and prepare for inspection.
The Sixth Reich thanks you
for your cooperation
what the hell i'll take it
agreed, but be advised
our reator is overheating
and will require our attention
thanks for the assist
Norm, Rusty, meet me near the reactor
we will be putting on rad suits
and cooling it down manualy.
Peter we are being boarded entertain them
Doc!
(Impending doom music)
Okay...
Okay...
its going to be fine
be careful, do not rip theat suit.
I only have enough Anti Rad for
Incedental exposure, not
Swiming in a nuclear reactor
Alright it is going to be fine.
As long as they are not crazy
as long as they are not the crazy ones
with all the piercings
as long as they are not the crazy
women ones with all the piercings
i am fine
Oh darn...
are you the comander of this vessel
Lady, i just... i just work here
where is your comander
He is dealing with the core melting down
I don't know if you noticed
but we had a warship on our asses
we noticed. We took care of it
now drop nthe tough guy act,
before i have Otho come down here
beat you with your own shoes
doable
show me your cockpit
show you my what?
Cockpit
Right, this way.
(reactor humming)
why is this side yellow?
Because if it was white you would be dead
and here is the food prep area
I have many sanitary concerns
yeah everyone who comes in here says that
Careful
oh what am i getting myself into...
im getting a suit on
its red now is that good?
(only sound is reactor)
Guys?
And this is the cargo bay...
where we keep the cargo
I wouldn't grab that box!
Cleaner
strong cleaner
I didn't see it
i did not see it.
And that is the grand tour
I hope you enjoyed your time
on our starship, and you will come again
what is that room off the dining area?
That would be my room
you will show us that room
alright
its not like i have
anything illegal in here
just private
see i told you
(spaceship takes off)
(slow happy upbeat music)
Ladies and gentleman,
if you tuirn on the comunac tv to chanel 15
we will be looking out the port camera
at one of the most amazing sites
in the galaxy
I'll be slowing down so we can get a good
but only five minutes as these are
dangerous waters
(tv theme song)
What could be more interesting then
rewatching sex and the biodome
(tv music stops. Epic space music starts)
Whats going on?
(suprise with awesomeness music)
Warning, ship approuching
alright, take a final look
there apears to be a raider vessel nearby
so we will be out of here shortly
(Boxes shifting and falling)
What was that
Me falling down
i think something fell in the cargo bay
Oh, yeah, we got to go resecure
that one bay... come on rusty
oh shoot, well it's this way,
thats what i meant
because i know where i am going
Its a confusing ship, it's understandable
(unnerving curious music)
oh no, looks like we forgot to
Tie this one down, its
been bounching around
what even is that?
I don't remember that being in here...
Fauna specimen
Narora giant toxitoad
a toxitoad!
Yeah why?
Dude, those things spit a hallucinogen
that's so potent, its like LSD on drugs
Seriously
how far can they spit the poisen
Farther then this!
OH boy!
Oh come on the box is closed
(box opens)
Rusty!
Yeah...
The box is open
Really?
(terrifying music)
why don't you uh...
close the box
why don't you go close the box?
Why me?
Its going to spit!
(spitting)
warning
warning
What in orions armpit is going on here?
Warning!
I did not do it. i was just watching
season 2 of sex and the biodome
Warning
maybe we picked up some radiationr
from false star
we passed false star
and no one bothered to wake me
guys, when we stopped at false star
a toxitoad got loose
and now
ts in the ventilation system
we stopped at false star
and no one bothered to wake me?
And it has norm
i mean not litteraly like with it
but, it like spit at him andnow he is like
Tripping, and its super crazy
and he was saying something about lincoln
(overlaying each other
about False Star and toad)
Next time we pass i would
like to be woken up
and i dont think he has any friends
so it cant be one of them
he was dancing, and it was weird
Odin's bloodsoaked eyepatch!
I'm going to get my gun and,
take care of it
it was really weird
(same scary music about toad)
(grutning and crawling noises)
Jacob!
Jacob are you there?
I just got in the maintenence tunnel
ok umm
im the big dot in the center
let me know if you see something
there it is behind you.
Behind me? I can't really turn around
Alright you are going to have to
find a place to turn around
because it is coming at you,
and its coming pretty fast
are you kidding me!
Hurry up its almost on you!
There is a turn up ahead i'll turn there
four meters
three meters
two meters
that can't be right...
i would have hit it by now
one meter
it can't be right
I'm at the turn...
AHHHH!!!
Jacob?
Jacob?
Jacob?
(silence)
(toad chirping far away, busy signal)
then there were three
alright, new plan
Ok, Ummm
he is going to be fine
He is just going to have
a horrible hangover
alright i have
something ive been hiding
so umm
it is a robot
oh look jacob is ok
(subtle confusing music)
(Sudden intense scary music)
yaha! Captain Freedom!
By my read white and blue balls...
this is for captain freedom
(Ave Maria plays, counter to violent scene)
(clicking keyboard furiously)
Captain Freedom YEAH! Captain Freedom OH!
(Song stops)
Well, he has locked himself
in the control room
and i think he is singing...
the Captain Freedom theme song
Good, he can sober up in there
and then we can get control back
what was your idea?
Well,
couple days ago, i sorta found this robot
is it a sex robot
companion robot
what!?
And how did you know?
Why else would you hide it
because....
Rusty!
I need you to track the toad
while i reprogram the robot
ok...
(door opens and closes)
Guess there is no harm in watching
Sex and the Biodome
(Sex and the Biodome Theme Song)
listen..
We have a small situation
uh, there is a creature
that is loose on the ship
and it will make any of us
who are humans, kind of halucinate
if we touch it
I am going to need you to
catch it for us, ok?
You think you can do that?
Oh yes sir
i need you to locate a toxitoad
file not foud
I am unable to proccess your request
Can we update your data banks?
(sex and the biodome music)
(something falling in cargo bay)
rusty are you alright?
(TV off)
System rebooting
file changes found
Scanning for Viruses, Scanning for Malware
No maleware detected
new protocal recognized.
Locate and capture foriegn organism
Species, Toxitoad.
Hold this as running priority one
YES!
Secondary Protocol found.
What?
Cut master in half diagonaly for sandwhich
OPk, uh, oh uh, NAT....
i need you to... NAT..
Could you come back here please?
I need you to take the
knife, and put it somewhere else...
(Horror music plays)
NAT...
Remember, when i said to cut the sandwhich
you can just cut them strait from now on.
I don't mind
Tina... could you help me please?
(silence)
If i were a spider, i could spin my own
Wedding dress
and it would be really cool,
because it could stop bullets
but then no one would marry me
because i am a spider
(horor music plays)
(toad spits)
priority one
(Psycadelic music plays)
(lazer hits ship)
(lazer hits ship)
(lazer hits ship, Action Sci Fi music)
we are in no man's land!
(Lazers firing back and forth)
(Screaming)
(lazer hit)
warning, thrust has been compromised
all power has been diverted to life support
distress signal sent
and that's everything you know...
I have peaced the truth together
from your testimonies
and as chief Interragator of this vessel
I have the right to souly pass judgement
I have decided
That you will be executed as a spy
by being blown out the airlock
oh that blows!
For aiding a suspected spy,
and owning an unliscensed comfort robot
you shall be executed
by being blown out of the airlock
Wait don't i get like a...
like a Second opinion or something?
You are convicted of practicing
medicine without a liscense.
Im sure you are aware of the fine....
and as for you...
congradulations, on joining
the NEW SOVIET Republic
we will be very greatful
for your assistance
and to assist you, in your work
But i'm a pacifist
but i don't want to join the womens corps
and as for you
my delicious retro plaything
i have great news for you
i have been craving to see one of you
since i was a school boy
I read all of the owners manuals
i know your loyalty protocals
will prevent you from geting a new master
being released but....
your old master is about to be released
through the air lock
so
Why don't you
make me a sandwhich
(airlock opens)
ah, airlock number three
should have known it would be you.
Not this again
number three has been
screwing me my whole life
well you know what they say,
third time is the charm.
Really
we are going to do that now
(Screaming)
(warning signal)
What is that?
Is he just going to leave us?
Bolt!
(Warning sound continues)
come on, its this way!
There she is, the Dva Orla
Come on i found a shortcut
(Fun Happy Escape music plays)
keep a look out for our friends,
im going to fire up the engines
what are all these guns doing on the table
what's my gun doing on the table?
Oh shoot!
No, no, its us, its us.
Who are you?
I'm the captain of this ship, who are you?
I am the one fixing this ship
was it fixed?
Yes
then get out of here
you are very rude
Oh thank god you two made it
Get that helmet off
we don't really have time to wait for tina
so we are just going to go without her
well that's nice!
Now i don't feel so bad about
selling you guys out so hard.
Oh thank god everyone's here
you two strap in, and im going to go crazy
buckle up back there.
This space station is going to
have a new door the exact
same size as this ship
(fun escape music)
(Hull riping open)
((song)... Dance dance dance, )
Spaceship explodes
(thump)
you guys aren't going to believe this
but the space ship just blew up
Also, we have reachedd traveling speed
you are free to move about the cabin
Yay, we did it, we're alive!
I'm going to need a drink of something
oh yeah it was fine, i was just going to...
get a fine for
practicing without a liscense, but i'm fine
I'm glad you guys are fine
there is to many fines in there
we need to come up with a
better word for fine
so uh,
I got out, what were thewy going
to make you do
i was going to be like a cook or something
what?
No way!
I was goinmg to be a cook
because of my experience
and since im a pacifist
you have no experience cooking
you are a terrible cook
i used my
my creativity
and i sparked it upon them
i was like hey, i wont fight, but i make a
mean... three bean salad
and they were like, dude no way
we haven't had a decent three bean
salad in ages, i was like i can make that
what were they going to have you do?
I could not really hear
your interagation room
why did you have to say it like that?
Cause that was working really well
that was working really well im sorry.
Yeah, no they were going to have me
join the womens corp and i would have to
fight space nazis
that does not sound to bad, it sound
like it would pay well.
Really
yeah
being a cook it like
i dont think you get paid
you don't?
No...
but i'ts communism, everybody gets...
Nothing...
What?
What?
I thought the whole point of communism
was to get stuff
everybody gets stuff
what kind of stuff?
Like money
like starvation?
Everybody get money, right?
What kind of money, space money?
Like text money
everybody pays their space bucks
and then they get like cash
why would you pay it in and then
get it back
what's the point why not just not pay it
thats a good point
thats a good point
so what is communism?
NAT!
I have returned to charge,
as my batteries only hold
ten percent of their former capacity
you seem stressed
shall i make you a sandwhich
NO!
(old timey record of BLUE DANUBE plays)
You can tell, that this baby was born, um..
The right way,
because it has a concavel head
babies born in a cesarian do not have this
is that true?
That is true
cause i still have like a seam
in my skull
Really?
Yeah like where its flat, feel it,
like right here
Oh, Yeah!
I know isn't that strange?
Were you a C Section?
No
No ok wow
cool, we found out something about you.
And your worth
laughing
(old record music continues)
(film and sound reverses)
The Great War will live
Vividly in the mind's of american's
for the next 100 years
I hope that when we do rememberance
to the memory of our brave boys
who fell in france
we shall not forget their brother's in arms
who wore the uniforms of our allies
I believe that the national lare of france
Great Brittan
Italy and Belgium
should for all time to come
be as familiar to us
as our own star spangled banner
(Old Timey Music Plays)
(song) Did you ever hear the story
did you ever hear the yarn?
Bout what?
Bout Gassoline Gus!
He saved up a dollar
Then he barrowed 20 cents
Then what?
For the Jitney Bus
His Coffee meal was made of tin,
but tin was made to pack things in
He hung a sign, and it read thus
this is Gasoline Gus and His Jitny Bus
Gus... Gus
Gasoline Gus
Gasoline Guis and his Jitny Bus
He packed 'em on the fenders
and he packed 'em on the hood
he packed 'em by the dozen
And the other dozen stood
From out the Heap, there came a cry
Hey! get that Suitcase out of my eye!
Gus, Gus, Gasoline Gus.
Gasoline Gus and his Jitny bus
(song ends)
Commrad Bulshov
You are wanted in interegation rooms
1 through 12
Commrad Bolshov
You are wanted in interegation rooms
1 through 12
(Russian music plays)
Greatings
And Welcome
from the New Soviet Replublic of Planets
My name is Doctor Bulshov
And i am here to interegate you today
(Comical yet unnerving music)
I have but, two questions for you
Who are you?
And why, were you flying
through red territory
Unrestricted
Without the proper, Identification
I'ts no secret.
I am Jacob
Captain of the Dva Orla
We were transporting good
When unusual circumstances befell my crew
I'm not telling you anything
If i rat out my friends...
can i go back to civilian life?
You don't look very new soviet to me
can i just clarifyone thing
before we get started
the woman, you found in the hall...
was not a sex robot
-
we're not scientists...
hiding the next superweapon...
I promise
she was just your average companion robot
like those little seals, or the dogs
only she could cook and clean, and stuff
I love communism
I've never not loved Communism
I just don't wear the colors because I....
don't want to die
Nope
I am programed to please in many ways
and in many languages
I don't want to be here,
Can i go home please
let me start from the begining
(Powerful hopeful music)
Alright buddy
Looks like the radiation is from the west
so if the wind does not pick up
we;re going to be ok
give me your knife
(Stripping wires and grunting)
You are scraping to many of the wires off
I do not know if you speak russian
but i do not speak russian,
so i have to guess which one is the door
Could try one at a time
its not that one
(odd sounds door opens)
Did you do that?
Yeah...
this thing must have a working fusion core
thats why the lights are on
Score
(lights turn on)
Oh wow
Hey, come look at this part!
Oh my god, looks like a house!
Got a... could put a sofa there
you can put a tv there
is that Stalin?
Well you work
Oh my god that is Stalin
Hello comrad
Mind if i look out your window?
Oh yeah Sure, that make sense
I'm going to check out this room
we need to get to the engine room,
and rip the core out
before any other salveger does
Door open
lets try manualy
(light turns on noisily)
(ominous music)
(clicking button)
(door closes)
Hope that opens
(Computer noises)
(Russian language)
(Spanish Language)
(For English, please press 3)
(German Language)
Thank you for pressing three
Instructions and controls
Have been modified
for your personal preference
If you would like to change this option
You may do so at any time
through the main menu
Welcome to the new soviet vessel
Dva Orla
Communism is the only way to fly
Peter
Yeah?
I think we can fix this
What are you talking about
I think we can do it,
i think we can fix this Durging ship
whatever you did must have reset everything
But, I am registerd as the pilot
WHat are you talking about?
This is a space ship
We can not fix a space ship
One little mistake and PFFFAHHHHHPPUUULLKU
I checked
We get Edwardo to resurface the tiles
We get a salvedge title
and we are ready to go
How are we going to pay for all that?
We sell the car
(Triumphant music plays)
(Suspense music takes over)
One of your friends
may... or may not have....
told me, that they saved you...
from a slave market
would you care to eleborate
that is compleate and total bull
fine, if they are going to talk,
then i am going to tell you the truth
(curious music)
oh, just put a tissue
on it, it will be fine
Alright mr. Jenson
lets have a look at that root canal
(videophone calling)
Look Ricky
I need you to get that
package to Nueva Tiera
right now!
Hey Hey, don't worry boss
don't worry
As soon as a legitimate
buisness comes my way
I'll have this thing
right on it going too..
Nueva
Tiera
otherwise, you know whats going to happen
your nuts. in a jar...
Nuts in a jar Ricky!
Ya Ya Ya i get it i get it
my nuts in a jar
but don't worry
I'll have it there on time
I'm a professional
I don't care what you need to do
you hide that thing in a shipment
and you get it over here
yeah yeah yeah yeah
Come on, i know
Honey, do you think you can put
one of these pillow in your suitcase?
Diane!
I'm Busy over here, I'm doing Buisness
Alright ricky
You better do better
I got to go
before my wife packs the
bed in the suitcase.
Goodbye
This isn't Edwardos
This is an old Calonial barn in downtown...
New Millwaukee
Yeah but
We have to get a title
Before we put any money in it
Ah.... Smart
Hey, welcome to Ricky's Blacksmith shop
I can forge anything
Oh ho that's clever
we need a title for a vehicle
a real Salvage title
for a REAL salvaged vehicle
Oh yeah yeah yeah sure, how old is it?
Roughly hundred...
Hundred and twenty years old
whoa not many survivors of the galactic war
you sure that thing's not more modern?
Oh yeah
This has got surplus written all over it
(dentist drill)
(humourous music)
Ricky!
Shoot
Ricky
Whoa! if it isn't my beautiful
Jewel of the Dentistry
how can i help you today?
Your stupid extension cord pulled out again
and i'm in the middle of a root canal
One second please
Gee thanks
You know i pay enough rent here,
that you could install a perminant outlet
Consider it done
My princess of plaque removal
Yeah Sure.... Three years from now
yeah, sorry about all that
but, yeah your a
problem should not be a big deal
all just legaleeze
Doting I's Crossing T's so...
I'll be able to take
care of that no problem
with a small fee of course
Which brings us to our second point.
One, we need a job
Two
we need paper's...
that guarentee us safe passage
no matter what side of the war
we are boarded by.
Ah, now i see why you came to me!
You wan't your title
In exchange for your first job
am i right?
No way
We want to get paid for that too
right right right sure yeah
Actualy, you are in a heck of a lot of luck
if that thing can fly
to Nueva Tiera that is
Its going to be like a month
in a class 5
It will make it
besides, what else are we doing
hey that's right!
And if you get through this with the cargo
you will have some dough in your pockets
by the end of this too
Believe me
Alright
You run these number
Make sure it's not stolen for us
and we will be right back
yeah yeah yeah don't worry
the numbers will be checked
Got a comunicator?
Our number is in the folder
(drilling)
Well i think that concludes
our buisness then
I'll see you guys later
alfeeterzay... umm
Alfretasay?
Goodbye
get out of here
siera zonka
Whatever
Now i gotta find a cargo
Hey Tina?
(drill)
Tina?
Tina?
(Drill stops)
I;m a little busy Rick
How would you like to get tha.....
How would you like to get that..
Medical Degree you are always talking about
a real one this time
you know i do
plug that thing in.
I have a man in increadible pain
he didn't pay the extra for the anesthetic
I hear Nueva Tiera
has some excelent universities!
All you have to do is
work with sick students and stuff
and its free
And being the nice guy that i am
look at this
I'll take what you paid in rent
put it right towards the ticket
just with a tiny little fee
it will be fine
Are you serious?
(Mumbled) Im in increadible pain
yeah, i'll be with you in a second....
tell me more!
(Rock and Roll music Plays)
Dang
That looks like a lot of work yo
looks like a lot of work... lot of work
mmm we gonna get paid!
Alright, what's the damage?
You must be warping
this thing is crash, like tottaly rad yo
Translation?
It means the ship's in good shape
thank you
but can you fix it?
Are you kidding me?
This elevator is Scratching
like a gittyup lazer DJ
how much do we need to fix it up?
You slip diss slip diss
we got mad waves bro
we gonna like
Stitch you in
Scrape her down
and that will only be 500
but then we got to do the flame job
and that's gonna be 8 grand because,
you gotta do it
and it need to handle the
heat from the landing yo
i love your enthusiasm
but you are talking lobster dinner,
and we are on a popcorn budget
oih come on
you can't diss a clas boo like her
she deserves flames
lights...
a classic like this
don't deserve no 359
she deserves the whole '60
(rock and roll and silence)
Fine
The outer shell is lennenite
so that will hold up
we're gonna put a couple new monitors...
in the cock pit
lock a couple other things in
we could do it for your car
but it aint going to be pretty
as long as it will fly
You have my word
but
that don't mean much, cause if it
doesn't go right
You'll never see me again
(laughing) lets get started
(montage rock music)
Hey man, look what i found...
in one of these compartments
Yo is that heavy?
It aint light
We keeping this
YEAH!
Man... why won't this door cloase right
Eh, you Fred...
Make sure you fix that hidra
Oh man... hope nobody notices
Hey where'd it go?
I thought i just had it
Got another one for ya,
you don't need help with that do you?
Na, man i got this i got this
Eh, yo Fred!
Make sur eyou get that hidra fixed
Aww man... I aint even got time to light
this Ciggerete i so busy over hear man
Haha
It was stuck on my chair!
Stuck on my chair
Where did it go? Right here!
He he he he yeah baby
look at that!
Hey, here's another one
Aint nobody noticing,
we drinkin' on the job
Oh man
Eh yo Homey!
I got your wrench, you need your wrench?
I got your wrench.
I don't need that wrench no more man
Oh, you don't need the wrench
Man
Close man!
Eh, man i'm done with that
What do you need?
EHYEAY!
Sorry about that homey!
Alright, so this is the main controls
But as long as we have
the laptop patched in
i figured what the hell
Patch the controls into the keyboard.
Go ahead and take the wheel
alright
(Engines start)
(lift off)
(Electro music plays)
Everybody alright?
Clear yo!
(techno music intensifys)
That reminds me
the thrust is the same
But to activate the turn,
you need to use the side arrows in space
its a compleatly different
method of movement
outside the atmosphere
Wow
uhoh
what?
The artificial gravity in the
sleeping Quarters is red
move over
ok, its green now, i guess
it just needed to be reset
yeah. it works
i knew this baby could bounce
aight we done yo!
Give us the keys and thats a fair trade
then we can get out of your hair
come on
we aint got all day
we didnt do this for free
lets go
its a good ship man
Yo, you gonna love it
We out. Peace!
Everything is going to be alright
lets just calm down
calm down?
Everything is not going to be alright!
We just unlocked another
mystery of the universe
that could destroy everything,
You want me to calm down!
Ok
I did not want to do this, but i know a guy
who knows a guy
and maybe
I could call that guy
he will make everything alright
a guy you don't know?
I know the guy who knows the guy
and i know i can trust that...
Guy...
well its better then our options
which is nothing really
except waiting
and hopefully
they just don't find us.
I mean that one guy sold us out
but
they don't know where we are
of course they don't know where we are now,
but if you call someone, they will
be able to track us here
they can't track us here, specificly
they can only track us to the nearest tower
which is miles away, so we're ok
We need to get the samples off the planet
We need to get them off the planet
We need to get them off now
I don't know
you can do
Whatever you think is best
we just need to take care of it...
go take care of it
ok, so i'll call the guy
here
GEOfry, call the guy who
knows the guy i know
That's what i am saying boss
Everything is in the bag
All i need is some sort of a shipment
And that could be just about anything
Heck
I could get a box of potatoes
you know the Ruskies they love that stuff
Alright ricky
Oh wait one second i'm getting another call
Look
We know what you do
All we need from you is to take our...
Shipment off this planet,
with no questions asked or facts given
as soon as possible
Gentleman
You have come to the right place
New Crewmember recorded
Welcome to the Dva Orla
this is nice
kind of a musty smell though
GEOfry Give me an ETA
I don't trust these guys
I'm just gonna
i'm gonna burn it
im going to burn it all
and then we don't have
to worry about it again
You can't burn it, if you burn that stuff
it reacts and we all die
guess thats worse
But it might happen anyway
Maybe its not even in here
We don't know anymore. Maybe it got lost
Its in there
we know that because we put it in there
no don't
(spaceship roars)
(outstandingly awesome rock music plays)
GEOfry give me an exact
location of the ship
(Door Opens)
Excuse me, Is this the Dva Orla?
Yeah
It is
I am doctor Norman Zazzles
And this is my assistant
College
my college
Dr. Rustina Openhiemer
Oh...
Yeah
You are the uhhh
the crew right
Crew? no, were not crew we just passengers
and we have some cargo... to take
Yeah, i know about the cargo
but then it says here.. uh..
Rustina Openhiemer. signed on... Norman
Zazzles
Yeah Zazzles... says right... Crew
GEOfry check that contract again
Excuse me one minute
he always like that?
(phove call) Uh Please and thank you's
excuse my i got another call coming in
Hello How's it going?
Ricky, i want my money back right now
Oh, yeah refund.. you want a refund
yeah refunds are great.
But you know what else is great?
A couple a soldiers
some very ambitious scary looking soldiers
and they are right over there
yeah, they are right here talking to me
and they are looking for you
do you want to say hi to them
Yeah
Lets say hi to them.
Before i get your your refund
here
say hi to the soldiers
See here
amendment 27 here
(mumbling)
grab a box Rustina
why what did he say
Just grab a box i'll explain later
Air systems... green
Guidance..... Green
Gravity... Freaking yellow
Green
Alright, I got the Uh....
Hand's all tied down, and we got the doc so
just about ready to go
is that yellow?
K we are good
I'll tell them to batton down
Rodger that!
Attention crew
this is your captain speaking
we are about to disembark
now would be a great time
to find yourself a seat
put your butts into your chairs
And if you have a seatbelt
I suggest putting it on
and hold on tight
(exciting rock and roll plays)
Attention Crew we have left the atmosphere,
prepare for hyperspace travel
(Futuristic funky music plays)
Shing Ga
Is that our traveling speed?
Edwards must have hooked up up right
Attention crew,
we have reached travling speed
you are free to move about the cabin
alright
Where is my gun?
Oww my writing hand too
Why did you have a knife when we jumped?
I found it in my seat.
What was i supposed to do
not open it up and play with it
what happend
I just cut myself
ill go get the Dr.
Trina!?
Or Tina
Dr. get in here!
Thank goodness it does not look that bad
yeah its fine i just need it cleaned up
Well we don't know where
that knife has been
It could have infections
it will be fine, thats why we have doctors
Well, i don't like seeing you hurt
What?
We got a man hurtm you got to patch them up
sorry i don't work here
what?
Please don't tell me Ricky tricked you too,
Because we paid a boatload to hire you on
hold on just a second
it says right here in black and white that.
Son of a...
you gotta be...
serious?
Where is he?
He is actualy a woman
Hey, that feels pretty good.
Reminds me of when i was a little girl
But why didn't you just
put artificial skin on it
I made that bandage myself
it should heal up without much of a scar
you know
Artificial skin takes up less room
and it does not cost that much more
I'll consider that
thank you very much
I like the whole holistic thing.. but
I't going to suck to
touch stuff for a while
danget, its yellow again
Peter check the artificial gravity
the thing is yellow again
(Muffled) Check the what?
Artificial gravity
(muffled) K...
alright fine
(tools clunking)
(scary mysterious music)
(Music changes tone)
(old cartoon music singing)
This is Horrible....
Oh my god!
(song) Just pretend that your sick
And your Poor back is sore
And Limp with a groan to the hospital door
While your pals train in rain
you can lay back and snore
if you gold brick
just gold brick
just gold brick
(song continues)
Ok You Two
uh...
why don't you go secure those boxes
but i hurt my hand
you got it bandage just go back there
and lock things down tight
but we are already at traveling speed
why would we need to lock things down
we will be slowing down eventualy.
Go do it
alright fine
come on rusty
(Quick exciting music plays)
I am programed to assist you
in any of your needs
I have been programed
with Culinary Recipies
And can organize and steralize
your environment
I am going to have to find
a way to cook in here
How shall i address you
oh yeah oh of course my name's Peter
What's yours
You may call me whatever you wish
my last master refered to me as
(Door opens)
(sigh)
Hand me another strap
no this is rope i want a strap
you used them all
What? when did that happen
When you used 5 million other ones
on all the other boxes
in the other cargo bays
why didn't you tell me
we were running low
I did tell you we were running low
No you didn't
I did too!
When?
When i told you
Our supplies are running low
how am i supposed to know what that meant
What else is that supposed to mean
I don't know how about using Quantative
Adjatives
Like number
I don't know, how am i supposed to know
what the relitive low means
low means few
we had few, now we have zero
is that enough of a number for you? Zero
we have rope
how about using five or three?
One! One rope
what does that mean?
It does not matter sir
My name is now NAT as you requested
well uh NA Tell me about yourself
I was constructedby request
of the great Czar Checkov
I was the most life like
model for two years
before being replaced
I was then modified and repurposed
for use in the kitchen of the great palace
until the great rebelion
I was then given to Czar Checov's son
as he escaped in this vessel with two
other more advanced models
I was placed in storage and forgotten
That's...
not good...
uh, its fine
don't fall down from that big box
and break your neck
Oh by the way, we are running out of straps
there is no down in space
you can't fall down off a box in space
don't get me started on this debae again
because the up and down concept is entirely
created by mas
large enough to have a center of gravity
that you are pulled towards
we have created artificial gravity
so in space here is a down
but the down is a lie!
The more accurate down would be
finding the next closest star or moon
or large planet in order to exert enough
gravitons on us
How do you know that this is a lie?
Because it's artificial
We could change it at any time
(Deep drone of night time)
hey norm?
What?
Do you ever wonder why we became scientists
No.. go to sleep
Well... i don't, I don't know why i don't
I just don't
Interesting
Rusty, go to sleep
I can't, i keep thinking about stuff
try counting sheep
oh what kind?
Uhhh pick your favorite
When i was young, i tried to breed
multicolored sheep to make argile socks
Then count your fingers
Hey Norm
mmmhmmm
when peter touched my gieger counter
it beeped
he is slightly radioactive
he's radioactive?
Mmhmmm
i asked him about it
he said he wexposed
himself to radioactivity
to get out of the draft
shrewed
maybe we should have tried that
yeah
maybe
i wonder what the long term
health effects are
I'm surprised it hasn't deminished yet
I'm guessing he did it a while ago
maybe
maybe there is something else going on
maybe
Maybe he is actualy a robot
and internaly he has like a nuclear reactor
in order to power him
and that's why he is actualy radioactive
and he was just lying to me
I am glad that's settled
huh...
Don't ask me, where i got these
but i was able to find you
a top
some nice pants
and a lovely leather jacket
thank you very much Peter.
Hey Norm
What?
Hey Norm?
What?
I'm glad you are a scientist with me
I'm glad you're a scientist with me too
but not right now because i need some sleep
(jazzy upbeat lounge music!)
Say the sun comes up is because when...
what they see, is the earth going around
the star
now we, are not on said planet
we are in the fork
or the spaceship if you will
Yeah
Wish i had a golf ball
How did you?
Wow uh... thanks... Uh...
any chance you can cut
the next one diagonaly
AHA! I have you now captain freedom!
You will never take me
alive you imperial dog!
AHA, but your phasor cannon
is all out of ammunition, and my
twin crossbows of death,
have you in there sights
thats ok but i have air support
(SCAW)
NO!
Curse you captain freedom, CURSE YOU!!!!
Doc we need you!
I'm watching Wrestletopia.
Its joe Mohawk vrs Larry the Wearwolf
the sun, has nothing to do with it,
it all depends upon our position
no
No
No
No
No... no... yes... yes... yes... no
no
(song ends)
It does not matter what you say
there is no sun up in space
because we are not on a planet
where the sun can come up over the horizen
line in the distance
are you suggesting the sun actualy comes up
over horizen line when you are on a planet?
I am suggesting that the phrase
lends itself to the notion that it appears
to rise and to set
yeah, and at sun up is when you rise
then why do they call it sun up,
and not you up
because you have such a shining personality
you were the one who said there was down
in space, how can you say the sun comes up
when you dont even think there is a down
check
mate
im going to stab you with this fork
do it i dare you
UHHHHHHH
Ok.... Week two
Everybody alright? anything new?
Yeah, the eggs have turned
Thats impossile,
they were powdered and canned
they should last more then a century
We didn't pack any canned bagged eggs
Jesus, these things have been on here
since it was abandoned
Ok
Lets say this is a planet
yeah, ok thats a planet
I'm going to be back before they are done
and this right here, is the sun ora star
Now, if we are on, said planet
sun rises, because the earth goes...
because the planetary system goes
around like this
Alright, and now we are not on said planet
we are here
so you are only suggesting that
that the notion of sun up in space
is insignificant because the sun
Doesn't go up in space
and yet when its used on the planet
the sunalso doesn't go up there either,
so the phrase is felecious to begin with
do you think he is acting weird lately?
I don't know, im a doctor not a psyciotrist
Still bad....
NAT? where did you get those eggs?
NAT?
(Snapping fingers) NA Do you Require me sir?
Yes, Nat, where did you get those eggs?
That you made for us this morning
in the back storage.
My programing requires that i use
the oldest items first
as to prevent spoiledge
Ah um
why don't you show me where
that back storrage is later
but for now i just want you...
when you are cooking
just
Run food by me, just to make
sure it has not spoiled
That is untrue sir,
I checked the compesition
it held a surprising amount of nutrients
including high amounts of protien and iron
without contaminents or pathegeons
ok, i am sure that is true
but
they kinda.. tasted bad
unfortunatly sir i do not have
the ability to taste
right
tell you what
next time just
run anything by me that is passed its
due by date
ok?
Update Accepted
the sun
wewouldn't really know the sun
as like....
the sun, because we are not on earth
we have never been on earth
all the suns are actualy stars
actualy stars
ok alright..
(warning signal)
Warning ship aprouching
Warning ship aprouching
Time to get serious,
and i don't mean the constalation
(Rock and roll Chase music)
Attention ship you are in direct...
shing ga!
That's an imperial Zero Zero Five!
What's going on?
We have a ship in colision course with us
that's an Imperial Zero Zero Five
right
(lazer cannon fire)
that cannon needs a new coil dumbass
you are just blasting off paint
how are you still on me
where is that warning signal coming from?
(mumbling)
Ok we have an imperial cruiser behind us
and they probably want to kill us
so i am really hoping
you know how to use this
I'm a pacifist sir.
I'll take it
alright they are probably going to meet us
in the cargo room, cause thats where
they usualy like to dig in
but uh...
why don't you stand in front and...
put a flower in their gun
wait wait! do you have a gun for me?
Ummm
yeah
its really old so if you have any misfires,
just keep squeezing the trigger
well thats pretty badass
a little small though
B for Boost
B for Boost
B for Boost
warning
Warning
warning
(silence)
(spaceship flies by noise)
(Quiet spaceship zoom)
(rock Music restarts)
He'll blow the engines
wait how serious is this?
(lazer fire)
(space explosion)
Holy Buckets, the reactor went. thier dead.
Attention, The hostile ship behind yours
has been destroyed
Please drop below light speed
and prepare for inspection.
The Sixth Reich thanks you
for your cooperation
what the hell i'll take it
agreed, but be advised
our reator is overheating
and will require our attention
thanks for the assist
Norm, Rusty, meet me near the reactor
we will be putting on rad suits
and cooling it down manualy.
Peter we are being boarded entertain them
Doc!
(Impending doom music)
Okay...
Okay...
its going to be fine
be careful, do not rip theat suit.
I only have enough Anti Rad for
Incedental exposure, not
Swiming in a nuclear reactor
Alright it is going to be fine.
As long as they are not crazy
as long as they are not the crazy ones
with all the piercings
as long as they are not the crazy
women ones with all the piercings
i am fine
Oh darn...
are you the comander of this vessel
Lady, i just... i just work here
where is your comander
He is dealing with the core melting down
I don't know if you noticed
but we had a warship on our asses
we noticed. We took care of it
now drop nthe tough guy act,
before i have Otho come down here
beat you with your own shoes
doable
show me your cockpit
show you my what?
Cockpit
Right, this way.
(reactor humming)
why is this side yellow?
Because if it was white you would be dead
and here is the food prep area
I have many sanitary concerns
yeah everyone who comes in here says that
Careful
oh what am i getting myself into...
im getting a suit on
its red now is that good?
(only sound is reactor)
Guys?
And this is the cargo bay...
where we keep the cargo
I wouldn't grab that box!
Cleaner
strong cleaner
I didn't see it
i did not see it.
And that is the grand tour
I hope you enjoyed your time
on our starship, and you will come again
what is that room off the dining area?
That would be my room
you will show us that room
alright
its not like i have
anything illegal in here
just private
see i told you
(spaceship takes off)
(slow happy upbeat music)
Ladies and gentleman,
if you tuirn on the comunac tv to chanel 15
we will be looking out the port camera
at one of the most amazing sites
in the galaxy
I'll be slowing down so we can get a good
but only five minutes as these are
dangerous waters
(tv theme song)
What could be more interesting then
rewatching sex and the biodome
(tv music stops. Epic space music starts)
Whats going on?
(suprise with awesomeness music)
Warning, ship approuching
alright, take a final look
there apears to be a raider vessel nearby
so we will be out of here shortly
(Boxes shifting and falling)
What was that
Me falling down
i think something fell in the cargo bay
Oh, yeah, we got to go resecure
that one bay... come on rusty
oh shoot, well it's this way,
thats what i meant
because i know where i am going
Its a confusing ship, it's understandable
(unnerving curious music)
oh no, looks like we forgot to
Tie this one down, its
been bounching around
what even is that?
I don't remember that being in here...
Fauna specimen
Narora giant toxitoad
a toxitoad!
Yeah why?
Dude, those things spit a hallucinogen
that's so potent, its like LSD on drugs
Seriously
how far can they spit the poisen
Farther then this!
OH boy!
Oh come on the box is closed
(box opens)
Rusty!
Yeah...
The box is open
Really?
(terrifying music)
why don't you uh...
close the box
why don't you go close the box?
Why me?
Its going to spit!
(spitting)
warning
warning
What in orions armpit is going on here?
Warning!
I did not do it. i was just watching
season 2 of sex and the biodome
Warning
maybe we picked up some radiationr
from false star
we passed false star
and no one bothered to wake me
guys, when we stopped at false star
a toxitoad got loose
and now
ts in the ventilation system
we stopped at false star
and no one bothered to wake me?
And it has norm
i mean not litteraly like with it
but, it like spit at him andnow he is like
Tripping, and its super crazy
and he was saying something about lincoln
(overlaying each other
about False Star and toad)
Next time we pass i would
like to be woken up
and i dont think he has any friends
so it cant be one of them
he was dancing, and it was weird
Odin's bloodsoaked eyepatch!
I'm going to get my gun and,
take care of it
it was really weird
(same scary music about toad)
(grutning and crawling noises)
Jacob!
Jacob are you there?
I just got in the maintenence tunnel
ok umm
im the big dot in the center
let me know if you see something
there it is behind you.
Behind me? I can't really turn around
Alright you are going to have to
find a place to turn around
because it is coming at you,
and its coming pretty fast
are you kidding me!
Hurry up its almost on you!
There is a turn up ahead i'll turn there
four meters
three meters
two meters
that can't be right...
i would have hit it by now
one meter
it can't be right
I'm at the turn...
AHHHH!!!
Jacob?
Jacob?
Jacob?
(silence)
(toad chirping far away, busy signal)
then there were three
alright, new plan
Ok, Ummm
he is going to be fine
He is just going to have
a horrible hangover
alright i have
something ive been hiding
so umm
it is a robot
oh look jacob is ok
(subtle confusing music)
(Sudden intense scary music)
yaha! Captain Freedom!
By my read white and blue balls...
this is for captain freedom
(Ave Maria plays, counter to violent scene)
(clicking keyboard furiously)
Captain Freedom YEAH! Captain Freedom OH!
(Song stops)
Well, he has locked himself
in the control room
and i think he is singing...
the Captain Freedom theme song
Good, he can sober up in there
and then we can get control back
what was your idea?
Well,
couple days ago, i sorta found this robot
is it a sex robot
companion robot
what!?
And how did you know?
Why else would you hide it
because....
Rusty!
I need you to track the toad
while i reprogram the robot
ok...
(door opens and closes)
Guess there is no harm in watching
Sex and the Biodome
(Sex and the Biodome Theme Song)
listen..
We have a small situation
uh, there is a creature
that is loose on the ship
and it will make any of us
who are humans, kind of halucinate
if we touch it
I am going to need you to
catch it for us, ok?
You think you can do that?
Oh yes sir
i need you to locate a toxitoad
file not foud
I am unable to proccess your request
Can we update your data banks?
(sex and the biodome music)
(something falling in cargo bay)
rusty are you alright?
(TV off)
System rebooting
file changes found
Scanning for Viruses, Scanning for Malware
No maleware detected
new protocal recognized.
Locate and capture foriegn organism
Species, Toxitoad.
Hold this as running priority one
YES!
Secondary Protocol found.
What?
Cut master in half diagonaly for sandwhich
OPk, uh, oh uh, NAT....
i need you to... NAT..
Could you come back here please?
I need you to take the
knife, and put it somewhere else...
(Horror music plays)
NAT...
Remember, when i said to cut the sandwhich
you can just cut them strait from now on.
I don't mind
Tina... could you help me please?
(silence)
If i were a spider, i could spin my own
Wedding dress
and it would be really cool,
because it could stop bullets
but then no one would marry me
because i am a spider
(horor music plays)
(toad spits)
priority one
(Psycadelic music plays)
(lazer hits ship)
(lazer hits ship)
(lazer hits ship, Action Sci Fi music)
we are in no man's land!
(Lazers firing back and forth)
(Screaming)
(lazer hit)
warning, thrust has been compromised
all power has been diverted to life support
distress signal sent
and that's everything you know...
I have peaced the truth together
from your testimonies
and as chief Interragator of this vessel
I have the right to souly pass judgement
I have decided
That you will be executed as a spy
by being blown out the airlock
oh that blows!
For aiding a suspected spy,
and owning an unliscensed comfort robot
you shall be executed
by being blown out of the airlock
Wait don't i get like a...
like a Second opinion or something?
You are convicted of practicing
medicine without a liscense.
Im sure you are aware of the fine....
and as for you...
congradulations, on joining
the NEW SOVIET Republic
we will be very greatful
for your assistance
and to assist you, in your work
But i'm a pacifist
but i don't want to join the womens corps
and as for you
my delicious retro plaything
i have great news for you
i have been craving to see one of you
since i was a school boy
I read all of the owners manuals
i know your loyalty protocals
will prevent you from geting a new master
being released but....
your old master is about to be released
through the air lock
so
Why don't you
make me a sandwhich
(airlock opens)
ah, airlock number three
should have known it would be you.
Not this again
number three has been
screwing me my whole life
well you know what they say,
third time is the charm.
Really
we are going to do that now
(Screaming)
(warning signal)
What is that?
Is he just going to leave us?
Bolt!
(Warning sound continues)
come on, its this way!
There she is, the Dva Orla
Come on i found a shortcut
(Fun Happy Escape music plays)
keep a look out for our friends,
im going to fire up the engines
what are all these guns doing on the table
what's my gun doing on the table?
Oh shoot!
No, no, its us, its us.
Who are you?
I'm the captain of this ship, who are you?
I am the one fixing this ship
was it fixed?
Yes
then get out of here
you are very rude
Oh thank god you two made it
Get that helmet off
we don't really have time to wait for tina
so we are just going to go without her
well that's nice!
Now i don't feel so bad about
selling you guys out so hard.
Oh thank god everyone's here
you two strap in, and im going to go crazy
buckle up back there.
This space station is going to
have a new door the exact
same size as this ship
(fun escape music)
(Hull riping open)
((song)... Dance dance dance, )
Spaceship explodes
(thump)
you guys aren't going to believe this
but the space ship just blew up
Also, we have reachedd traveling speed
you are free to move about the cabin
Yay, we did it, we're alive!
I'm going to need a drink of something
oh yeah it was fine, i was just going to...
get a fine for
practicing without a liscense, but i'm fine
I'm glad you guys are fine
there is to many fines in there
we need to come up with a
better word for fine
so uh,
I got out, what were thewy going
to make you do
i was going to be like a cook or something
what?
No way!
I was goinmg to be a cook
because of my experience
and since im a pacifist
you have no experience cooking
you are a terrible cook
i used my
my creativity
and i sparked it upon them
i was like hey, i wont fight, but i make a
mean... three bean salad
and they were like, dude no way
we haven't had a decent three bean
salad in ages, i was like i can make that
what were they going to have you do?
I could not really hear
your interagation room
why did you have to say it like that?
Cause that was working really well
that was working really well im sorry.
Yeah, no they were going to have me
join the womens corp and i would have to
fight space nazis
that does not sound to bad, it sound
like it would pay well.
Really
yeah
being a cook it like
i dont think you get paid
you don't?
No...
but i'ts communism, everybody gets...
Nothing...
What?
What?
I thought the whole point of communism
was to get stuff
everybody gets stuff
what kind of stuff?
Like money
like starvation?
Everybody get money, right?
What kind of money, space money?
Like text money
everybody pays their space bucks
and then they get like cash
why would you pay it in and then
get it back
what's the point why not just not pay it
thats a good point
thats a good point
so what is communism?
NAT!
I have returned to charge,
as my batteries only hold
ten percent of their former capacity
you seem stressed
shall i make you a sandwhich
NO!
(old timey record of BLUE DANUBE plays)
You can tell, that this baby was born, um..
The right way,
because it has a concavel head
babies born in a cesarian do not have this
is that true?
That is true
cause i still have like a seam
in my skull
Really?
Yeah like where its flat, feel it,
like right here
Oh, Yeah!
I know isn't that strange?
Were you a C Section?
No
No ok wow
cool, we found out something about you.
And your worth
laughing
(old record music continues)
(film and sound reverses)