Crackcoon (2024) Movie Script
1
[dramatic pensive music]
-[music fades]
-[foreboding music]
[woman] Are you sure
he said he'll be here?
[man] Yeah, but Denny,
you can count
on Denny showing up.
[inhales sharply]
As long as there's money.
[woman] I ain't got no money.
[sniffs] Don't worry about it,
don't worry about.
I got you covered.
I got you covered.
As long as that
greasy motherfucker
decides to show up,
I got you covered.
-Ah, yeah, speak of the devil.
-There he is now.
[foreboding music]
-You got the stuff?
-You got money, ho?
'Cause you know I don't take
no American Express.
[man] I got the dough,
I got the money
for what we need.
Great, then let's talk business.
How much rock did you want?
A hundred bucks of rock.
[laughs]
You two plan on throwing
a party or OD'ing together?
Hey, man, we didn't come here
to be insulted, all right?
Now you gonna sell us
some nuggets
or we gotta go elsewhere?
Oh, no offense, ma'am.
Old Denny here's got something
a little extra special
for you two tonight.
What the fuck
you talking about?
Bro, I'm talking about
the latest thing to hit town.
Acid mind drainage.
Fuck that, man.
We just want regular,
regular rock. Regular rock.
[woman] Yeah, yeah,
no bullshit, all right?
No, no, no, hear me out here.
I'm still talking crack.
But this is like
super-charged crack.
Like, this shit
will blow your minds.
And your dicks.
You tell me you ain't heard
of this orange shit.
[man] No, man.
I've been around long enough
to be able to smell bullshit
a mile away... [sniffs]
...and I'm smelling it now.
Just tell me about it.
Is this shit gonna cost me
-an arm and a leg, or what?
-Nah.
Nah, today we doing
discount price.
I charge you the same
and I hit you up
with the new shit.
Okay, all right, man.
Hook us up. [sniffs]
But if this shit don't
get us off like you saying,
we're just not
coming back anymore.
[both chuckle]
This looks a little...
looks like little orange candy.
-[woman] What the hell?
-[mumbling]
Some magically delicious,
oh, me Lucky Charms.
[music fades]
[woman] Think Denny
was just bullshitting us?
[man] Well,
we'll find out in a minute.
You know, you heard
his pitch, man.
Here, look. You heard his pitch.
-[suspenseful music]
-Shit's gotta be slamming.
Unless he was handing us
a line of bullshit anyway.
Yeah, sure is weird.
Look like little,
little orange candies.
Let me see,
let me see, let me see.
Hold on, hold on, hold on.
You... you're...
you're gonna share this with me
like you said, right, man?
Of course, of course!
But, um, I'm gonna
have to try it first.
You know what I'm saying,
just to make sure that, uh,
that it is quality...
quality stuff.
Hold on a sec, right?
Oh, unless he was
bullshitting us anyway.
-[lighter clicks]
-[foreboding music]
[woman] Vic.
[Vic gags]
-This shit's amazing!
-Yeah?
[lighter clicking]
-[groans]
-[woman] Vic, come on,
I don't got all day.
Come on, man, it's my turn.
[foreboding music continues]
All right, all right, all right,
come on, my turn, my turn!
Come on, come on, man.
-No!
-[screams]
[tense music]
[gags]
Hey, Dutch, you got any
of that crack left?
-[Vic growls]
-Oh, fuck!
[exciting music]
[music fades]
You know, for the chump change
this cheap-ass
county's paying me,
I oughta give up doing
autopsies altogether.
I've got a funeral parlor
to run upstairs.
I don't need this
gruesome little side gig.
[man laughs] Come on, Lewis.
I mean, they'd still be wheeling
in your gunshot victims,
your stabbing victims.
And you know, kids getting
mangled up in car accidents.
Yeah, but all I have to do
is make 'em look pretty.
I don't have to saw off
the tops of their skulls.
Yeah, you make a good point.
This one freaks me out.
Especially when I think
about her eyes,
which aren't really there, man.
It... it's like somebody stuffed
little tiny oranges in there.
The pupils were gone.
Yeah, I... I can't believe
the perp kept hitting her
over and over. I mean,
couldn't he see
that she was dead?
I mean, it... it just makes me
wanna puke, you know?
He kept stabbing her
with the crack pipe
-over and over.
-Hold on, hold on.
-Calm down, calm down.
-Sorry, sorry.
You know,
we have a job to do here.
What you're seeing
is the effects
of a designer,
so-called street drug.
I think it's probably
maybe a combination
of... of crack cocaine
and... and something
like bath salts.
And we know
what bath salts does,
it not only cleans out
your bowels and your intestines,
it sucks the brain
outta your head.
Right, like, uh,
like when we aspirate
one of our normal guys.
That's it exactly.
[chuckles] Fucks 'em up
and they don't even know it.
Speaking of which, you hear
about that guy down in Miami?
So fucked up on bath salts,
he ate his
girlfriend's face off.
[chuckles]
I followed that case seriously
'cause it was so weird,
you know?
Both of 'em were on bath salts.
He bit her in the face,
must've liked it
'cause he kept going.
He chomped all the flesh
right off of her skull.
And sitting there on the curb,
chewing on it
with a grin on his face,
like he was eating a fine steak.
She died in the ER.
I'm telling you,
if the cops don't get
a handle on this
sooner rather than later,
we're gonna be up
to our eyeballs
in these sloppy joes
before long.
Well, the lab guys
say they can't forecast
who's gonna go
a little bit crazy
or who's gonna
just flat out die.
I guess given all that,
I... I'd understood
if you give up autopsies,
I get it.
I actually enjoy
making 'em look really nice
for when their loved ones
come in and see 'em
in the viewing room.
But I gotta tell you, anymore,
I really dread having
to cut into them.
Yeah, I get that.
Hey, you wanna grab lunch?
I was thinking maybe, um,
orange chicken.
Hey, Chinese sounds good
to me, man. [sniffs]
You know, in spite of all this,
I still got a cast iron stomach.
[man] Huh.
Hey, do you think she looks
like that one waitress?
Yeah, there's a resemblance,
but she ain't as lively.
[tense music]
[Charlotte yawns]
-You cooked breakfast?
-[Jonathan] Yep.
Oh, you know I can't eat
when I first get up
in the morning.
Well, it's not just for you.
I made some coffee too.
Well, coffee I can do.
You're up awfully early.
I figure with it
being spring break and all,
you'd be sleeping in.
You know me.
I just get up no matter what.
Well, I wish I was like that.
I'd sleep until noon
every day if I could.
Well, growing up
on a farm will do that to you.
We got up at the crack
of dawn every day. [sighs]
You just get used to it
after a while.
So what are you
gonna do today?
I don't know.
Maybe like grade some papers
and do a little cleaning.
You have the entire week off.
Why don't you do something fun?
I have too much to do.
Go down
and do something for yourself
and relax this week.
It's spring break.
Spring break
is for kids, you know?
Like, I'm just too busy.
[Jonathan] It will get done.
Do something nice for yourself.
Well, I guess
it's been a while
since I've done any painting.
Exactly.
You can get started
on a new one today.
Maybe I will.
What do you have going on today?
Well, just patrolling
the back mountain.
Ooh, that sounds like fun.
Well, with all those
college kids going up there,
I'm sure it'll be
a little interesting.
You better make sure
they're not up to no good.
Well, they are college kids
and it is spring break.
It wasn't that long ago
that we were those college kids.
Yeah. Wow, time has flown.
Yeah, too fast.
I miss those days.
Are you really that unhappy?
Now, why would
you even ask that?
Well, that business
with Liam and all,
-I just thought...
-[sighs] I'm sorry! Okay?
I made a mistake,
and I haven't even seen Liam
in a coon's age.
I thought we weren't gonna talk
about this anymore!
-[pensive music]
-Okay, okay.
I'm sorry.
I'm sorry too.
I don't know how many times
I have to apologize.
Look, just forget about it.
[sighs]
Just drop it.
I dropped it six months ago.
You were supposed to as well.
Listen, you'd do
the same damn thing
if it happened to you.
And don't stand there
and say you wouldn't.
Whatever you say.
You can believe whatever
you wanna believe.
[melancholy music]
[sighs]
Well, I better get going.
Got a lot to do.
And sooner I get out,
sooner I'll be back.
Well, be careful
out there today.
I will, it's not like anything
major's gonna happen.
-It never does.
-[chuckles]
Watch it, you remember
what happened the last time
you said that.
Oh, there was that time
that guy tried to shoot
Wanda Claggett thinking
she was Sasquatch,
-wasn't it?
-[laughs]
Well, poor Wanda.
She is a big hairy woman.
You're awful!
You can't stand here
and say she doesn't
look like Bigfoot.
Well, I guess she isn't
exactly feminine, is she?
No, she's not.
Look, I gotta go
but I'll be back.
All right, love you.
Love you too.
[cheerful music]
[vehicle passing]
What the hell
are you scratching for,
you got fleas, or something?
I don't got fucking fleas.
Do I look like a dog to you?
I ain't seen a dog
as ugly as you.
Oh, fuck you, Otis.
Ah, you wouldn't like it,
I'd just lay there
and wipe boogers on your back.
[giggles]
Why are you so fucking gross?
It's just the way my mama
raised me, I suppose.
I bet she's proud of that,
the way you turned out.
What the hell
you talking about?
-I'm her pride and joy.
-I know your mama.
She don't care
for you that much.
She'd have aborted you
if she had the chance.
She tried.
But I was able to grab that
coat hanger out of her hand
just in time! [laughs]
That's a damn shame.
[groans]
Where the fuck is he?
He said he'd be right back.
Maybe he's lost!
He ain't the brightest guy
in the world.
He better not have
ran off with my money though.
I'll kill him.
He's dumb,
but he ain't dumb enough
to do something like that.
-He's pretty damn dumb.
-[Chaz] Yo, yo, yo!
What's up, my niggas?
Hey, what took you so long?
Took a little while
to find my friend Denny.
Denny, I haven't seen
that asshole in weeks.
I thought someone
blew his damn head up.
Probably should,
he's a real piece of shit.
Hey, don't talk ill about him.
-He's good people.
-[Otis] A real fucking prince
selling dope to all them
school kids, and shit.
-You got my shit?
-I ever let you down?
[squeals]
[Otis] What the fuck
is that shit, Cheetos?
It's some new stuff
I got from Denny.
Got a good price on it too.
It's supposed to blow
your fucking mind.
Mm, it fucking better.
I'm fiending,
light that shit up.
[foreboding music]
[coughs]
You all right?
You gonna cough up
a fucking lung?
[grunts] Nah, I'm good.
I never felt better,
this shit is awesome.
You gotta try it.
I don't think so,
that looks weird to me.
Your loss.
Do you want some, Betty Sue?
Hell yeah.
Weird looking or otherwise.
I'll try anything once.
That's the same shit
John Belushi
and Amy Winehouse used to say.
Things turned out great
for them, didn't it?
Gimme a break,
I had a rough fucking day.
[chuckles] Or maybe
had a rough life.
-Boo fucking hoo.
-[coughs]
[Betty coughs]
[laughs]
Ooh, I am fucked to the up.
[chuckles] Me too.
Damn, I can't explain
how that makes me feel.
That's just fucking amazing.
Sure you don't
want some, old man?
All right, fuck it,
hand it over.
[coughs]
[both cough]
Second thought, I'll pass.
[groans]
Hmm, what's fucking wrong
with him?
Hey, yo!
Hey!
Yo!
Motherfucker, I ain't giving you
mouth-to-mouth.
[foreboding tense music]
[grunts]
[groans]
[cackles]
[roars]
[grunts]
[laughs]
[yells]
[laughs]
[coughs]
Hey, babe,
can you hand me the keys?
-I really gotta pee.
-[Aiden] Yeah.
Thanks.
[dramatic pensive music]
[Aiden sighs] You smell
that fresh mountain air?
It's nice, isn't it?
Yes.
[farts] It is.
Really, dude? You're nasty.
-Better out than in.
-[Natasha] Ew.
Hey, at least
I didn't do that in the car.
I hope you bought him
some extra trousers
because I'm pretty sure
he shit himself.
[clears throat]
No, I'm straight.
No lumps.
Classy.
So did we get the beer?
I think so.
You got the herb, right?
Shit, dude.
Yeah, I knew I forgot something.
No worries, amigo,
'cause Denny the many
is supposed to be here sometime
today or tomorrow.
He'll hook us up.
Isn't Denny the, uh,
the fruity dope guy?
That would be Denny.
Well, we can't have Denise
and them see each other
because he creeps her out.
No worries.
He's an odd one, for sure.
But he's got the best damn weed
in the entire Tri-State area.
[inhales sharply]
I can't disagree with that.
He does have the best weed
I've ever smoked.
Mm-hmm. Yeah, I'll give him
a call a little bit later.
I've got him on speed dial.
[Aiden] All right, let's...
let's get this stuff out the car
and then
we'll give him a ring, okay?
Sounds like a plan, Stan.
Man, it is so nice
to be back up here.
I've been stoked
for this forever, bro.
Dude, it's... it's just nice.
It's nice to get out
and just get away from it all
for a while, you know?
Yeah, it's kind of depressing
that this is probably
gonna be the last time
that we are here together
for a while.
Nah, dude, you gotta think
about it like this.
Tonight is gonna be
the most epic night
of our lives, man.
We're gonna be drinking,
we're gonna be fucking,
and maybe even some anal.
Yeah, boy, this weekend's
about to be fucking lit.
[Aiden] Yeah, dude,
it's gonna be fucking epic.
Yeah, bro, chest bump me,
chest bump me.
[Aiden] Yeah, let's...
let's fucking chest bump, dude.
[both grunt]
Ow, fuck.
[foreboding music]
[raccoon warbling]
[heavy metal music]
[Frankie] Can you turn
that down, please?
-What?
-Turn it down.
-What?
-Oh, my God,
turn that fucking shit down.
I can't even hear my--
Why are you yelling?
I ain't deaf.
Oh, my God, never mind.
Oh, my God, and slow down.
Where are you going,
Speed Racer?
You worry too much,
why are you suspicious?
Uh, hello?
The last thing we need
is to be pulled over
while we're driving around
with all of this shit.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah,
stop being a little bitch.
[gasps]
-Oh!
-Hey, take it easy, ho.
What you trying to do,
kill us both?
[Frankie]
Now, what I don't understand
is how the hell
do you intend to sell
all of this at the campground?
There's a hell of a lot
of pot in here, Cheech.
Relax, queen,
I already got it covered.
I had one of my
high school friends hit me up
the other day, named Billy.
-Did you fuck him?
-[Denny] No!
-Well, maybe.
-[gasps]
-Whore.
-[Denny scoffs] Anyway,
so he hit me up
about a week ago,
and said he and his friends
were coming up here
in the woods,
and looking to get high.
So I said, "I got you covered."
But then I didn't hear
from the son of a bitch.
So then I decide,
I offer to make a delivery,
'cause you know I don't do
that free charity shit.
So I said I'd hit him up.
But the thing was, he said
he didn't want the crack.
He said no to that crack,
which surprised me.
[Frankie] Oh, well,
that reminds me,
I actually wanted
to tell you about something.
-What?
-Well, this guy
at the county morgue,
a great customer
of mine by the way.
-[Denny] I bet.
-He said they recently
brought in a couple
of like weird-looking stiffs.
What was weird
is they had these...
-these bright orange eyes.
-Bright orange eyes?
-[Frankie] I know, it's so--
-What's that, another STD?
-[coughs]
-[Frankie] You would know.
[gasps]
No, sweetheart,
they actually said
it's some sort
of like brand-new drug.
But I don't think
they actually know yet.
-What, whoa, watch out, Denny!
-[Denny] Oh!
[Frankie]
What the fuck was that?
[siren whirring]
[Frankie] Oh, my God.
Oh, my God, Denny,
they're pulling us over.
What are we gonna do?
I can't go to jail.
I'm too cute.
Wait, wait, I've got a plan.
-What's the plan?
-Just keep driving,
and now you can speed up,
all right?
The camp turnoff
is coming right here.
Listen, once we make the turn,
the cops won't see us
for a few seconds, all right?
It's really covered
by a bunch of trees.
I'm gonna throw my hand
back into the forest there.
We'll just come back
for it later, okay?
[Denny] Okay, all...
all right, all right.
-[Frankie] Okay.
-[Denny] We... we might be okay.
[Frankie] Okay, just keep going.
We're far enough away that
they might not be suspicious.
[Frankie] Okay.
[foreboding music]
[Frankie] All right, well this
might be a good spot.
Oh, my God,
we've gotta do it now.
[siren continues wailing]
[foreboding music continues]
Sir, I need your license
and registration, please.
What seems to be
the problem, officer?
Okay.
What was that driving stunt
you just pulled back there,
swerving across
the road like a maniac?
Sir, I could smell your breath
and you don't smell like
you've been drinking,
so I'm not gonna order
a breathalyzer on you.
But what the hell
was that all about?
Oh, well, you see,
this little raccoon just
scurried across the road
and I swerved
to avoid flattening it.
[chuckles nervously]
Yeah, it does happen
a lot in these parts.
Yes, sir, I'm gonna
give you a pass on that.
-[sighs]
-[officer 1] I gotta ask you
another question.
How about the first time you
lost control of your car?
Was that another raccoon?
-Well, you see--
-No.
No, sir, I don't know.
What I do know is
a short space of five minutes,
you two endangered human lives
with your reckless driving.
Now, what was
the first incident about?
-[Frankie] Oh.
-We had a little, um--
Oh, well, you see, officers,
we're actually on our honeymoon.
We just got married.
-Yeah.
-Congratulations.
[Frankie] Ooh, thanks.
What do you mean
you just got married?
Yes, Denny here finally
popped the question.
[chuckles] Oh, that's beautiful,
isn't it pretty?
-Look at the ring.
-Oh, is this Kay's Jewelry?
-[Frankie] Absolutely.
-[officer 1] Only the best.
Totally.
[officer 1]
You two lucky bastards.
-Oh.
-Oh. You're too kind.
Okay, well, yes, we were going
a little over the speed limit,
but we have good reason.
We're actually
on our way to our hotel room.
-Oh, my Lord.
-[Denny] Yeah.
Me and Denny here
are really looking forward
to consummating the wedding.
Aren't we, baby?
[Denny] The things
I'm gonna do to you.
[Frankie] Oh, like what?
Oh, you're gonna see
what when we get there.
A night
at Frankie's Fudge Factory?
Okay, okay, that's enough.
I don't wanna hear anymore.
Sorry.
So we're free to go, officer?
[officer 2] Yes, yes.
For God's sake,
get the hell outta here already.
Thanks, Mr. Q.
[officer 2] Just try to keep it
under 55, all right?
Oh, cross my heart
and hope to die.
Good, now you have
a nice rest of your day.
-Thank you, you too.
-You too.
God bless you, officers.
-[officer 2] Yeah.
-Well, you enjoy
-your evening.
-[Frankie] Oh, we will.
-Thank you.
-Thank you.
[officer 1]
Send me some pictures.
-Oh, absolutely.
-Oh, we will.
[officer 1] Oh, you're so funny.
Gee, why can't I get married?
[sighs] That was close.
[tense music]
[warbles]
[sighs]
So what's the plan?
Well, I say we wait
until we're sure they're gone,
and then we're gonna go
pick up the shit, okay?
Okay, sounds good.
-[foreboding music]
-[raccoon warbles]
[foreboding music intensifying]
[raccoon warbles]
[Aiden] Oh, yeah, let me,
let me think, um.
Is, uh...
you don't drink,
you don't smoke.
[hums] I don't know the rest.
Go.
Goody two, Goody two
Goody, Goody Two-shoes
I'm not a Goody Two-shoes.
Oh, calm down.
It's nothing to be ashamed of.
I just don't like
to drink, okay?
Okay.
Why not?
Because my dad had
a problem with it,
and I don't wanna
end up like him.
That's right, I remember now.
That one night that he waltzed
into White Castle
in nothing but his underwear.
-[laughs]
-[laughs]
That's funny shit, oh,
I wish I was there to see it.
[Carlos] Oh,
you wish you did, bro.
There was a big mud stain
in the back
of his whitey tighties,
and one of his nuts hanging
out the front. [laughs]
[Denise] Guys, I think
we should drop this.
I really don't think
that Finn wants to hear
-about any of this.
-Oh, man, he was sharting
in his seat. [laughs]
Ew. Well, he was eating
sliders all night.
-Oh.
-Dude, there's no way, dude.
How is... Where did
he even put his money?
Oh, the old prison wallet.
He pulled it right out,
handed it stench and all
to the cashier.
Just a big sticky wad.
Oh, that's disgusting.
Seriously, guys, can we
please just stop talking about-
Actually, wait, wait.
No, no, no, shh.
I remember a story
my uncle told me one time.
He told me
that he was one of the guys
that arrested him that night,
and he threw up
all over the cop car.
It was fucking nasty.
Everyone at the precinct
was furious.
[chuckles] Dude,
there's no wonder
you don't wanna drink, man.
-Shut up.
-What the heck?
I'm going for a walk,
be back later.
You guys are assholes.
[Aiden] What'd we do?
[Denise] You know about her past
and how sensitive she is
about her dad.
Why would you even bring it up?
Because I thought it was funny.
Not to her.
It is... it's okay, it's okay.
All she has to do is loosen up,
maybe have a few drinks.
Not too many, obviously.
And then, maybe...
maybe you'll get
the stick out of her ass.
Exactly, bro, but then
she's gonna end up drunk
at White Castle
in her underwear,
just like her old man.
[all laugh]
You're awful.
-Fuck you.
-[Aiden] What the hell?
-Where you going?
-To get a drink.
Can you get me one please?
Please and thank you.
After the shit you pulled,
you can get one yourself.
[Aiden sighs]
I don't know about you,
bro, but...
I wouldn't mind seeing Finn
in her underwear.
-Excuse me?
-But I mean,
you gotta admit, I mean,
you seen
the dumper on that girl?
[scoffs] I'd eat her shitter
like an apple fritter.
And then fuck her brains out.
-Same.
-Yeah?
Well, why don't we go do that?
-[Carlos] Do what?
-Fuck your brains out.
[gulps]
Hey now, chap, it's been swell.
Good night, good evening,
and good luck.
See you tomorrow. My dear,
to the jousting chamber.
Babe. Babe!
Fuck.
All right, the coast is clear.
Yeah, let's go, Thelma.
[dramatic music]
[spits] Ew.
-Oh, God, get away!
-What's wrong with you?
Well, I'm trying to get away
from all these damn creatures!
I hate bugs,
and all these snakes,
and all these other
nasty motherfuckers.
-Nature sucks.
-Calm your clit.
It ain't that bad.
Well, excuse me,
Malibu's most-wanted.
[gasps]
Well, I don't see bugs
trying to orally violate you.
[groans]
-Don't touch me, homo.
-[gasps]
-But you love my touches.
-No, getting real tired
-of your shit.
-That's not fair, Denny.
Oh, here it is.
Thank God, hurry and grab it
so we can get outta here
before these things
eat me alive.
Uh-oh.
[Frankie]
What do you mean, "Uh-oh"?
-What is it?
-The shit,
it isn't in here.
"It isn't in there."
Very funny, Denny.
It's an empty bag, fag.
Ugh, feelings.
-[sighs]
-Well, help me find it,
it's gotta be
around here somewhere.
Where could it have gone?
I don't know, it didn't
just get up and walk on away.
Well, no shit, Einstein.
But it's gotta be
around here somewhere.
-[raccoon warbling]
-[both gasp]
What the hell is that?
[foreboding music]
It's probably a fucking bear,
or something.
It ain't no bear.
-I think I know what it is.
-What?
-Be careful.
-[raccoon warbles]
-[menacing music]
-[both yelp]
No!
-[sighs]
-[groans]
Well, I think I know
where all the shit went.
Well, what are we gonna do now?
-Hang on, I'll get it.
-Oh.
For God's sake,
come here, you little shit,
you got something that we need.
I don't think it wants
to give it back, babe.
-[raccoon shrieks]
-[ominous music]
[both shriek]
[Frankie] Oh, God.
[Denny shrieks]
Stop it, he doesn't like it
when you use your teeth!
[Denny] Get off my dick!
[both clamoring]
It's got my balls, Frankie!
[shrieks]
[both clamoring]
[coughs]
Denny!
Oh! Oh, no, no.
[Frankie shrieking]
Denny! [shrieks] No, no!
My sweet Denny.
You would've wanted me
to save myself.
[Frankie whimpering]
Get away from me,
you... you gremlin.
[yelps]
[screams]
[birds chirping]
[carefree mellow music]
[camera shutter clicking]
So beautiful up here.
So peaceful and quiet.
[gunshot fires]
What the hell?
[gunshots firing]
[Lenny] Take that,
you cock-sucking squirrels.
You ain't ever gonna be stealing
my nuts ever again. Yeah.
You ain't even hit them,
dumb ass.
There they go. Running away.
What?
That was just a warning shot.
I wanna get 'em good
and scared
before I blow 'em away.
Warning shot, my ass.
You couldn't hit
the blue side of a red barn
if you were standing
right in front of it.
[scoffs] Hell, son,
you ain't done much better.
-How many did you get today?
-None.
But I'm after something bigger
than them little squirrels.
-[Lenny] What you after?
-What do you think?
-Dumbass.
-Dumbass?
You's the dumbass, Jethro.
Ain't no bears up here
in these parts.
Then how come I seen
'em out here before?
You's probably drunk.
You ain't see no God dang
bears up here.
Then what the hell was it,
Big Foot?
[Lenny] I don't know,
maybe it's your mama.
She kind of a big
old fat, hairy broad.
Maybe she was hungry,
wandering around the woods,
stealing some picnic baskets
or something.
Screw you, Lenny.
At least my mom
ain't a big old whore
who sells her dirty snatch
for cigarettes,
-like yours does.
-Hey,
you kiss my ass,
you son of a bitch.
You can't talk about my mom.
[Frankie] Hey, hey,
guys, please help me.
What the shit?
It... it just killed Denny.
And now it's coming
to get me next.
What's this? What the hell
you talking about, Nancy boy?
What's coming after you?
A naked lady? [chuckles]
I bet you scared to death
of them, aren't you, boy?
It's a...
it's a fucking raccoon!
Listen, it just ripped Denny
to pieces.
Please, you've gotta help me,
it's right out there.
A raccoon, what the hell...
what the hell
are you going on about?
Uh, listen to me,
you fucking troglodytes.
I am telling you
it's a killer raccoon, okay?
It's all fucked up
on drugs and shit.
I think you's the one
who's fucked up on drugs.
Sissy boy.
Watch out, that killer coon
gonna get you.
[foreboding music]
-[growls]
-Fuck me. It's here.
Are you guys gonna do something?
Shoot it!
-Get off my gun, boy.
-Oh, forget you, pig fuckers.
[whimpers]
What in the name
of Dolly Parton's
-big old sweet titties was that?
-I don't know.
Them gays is weird.
-[raccoon growling]
-What's that?
[Jethro] Maybe it's one
of those killer raccoons
that fairy was going on about.
[chuckles] So watch out, man.
That killer coon
might get your ass.
[bird squawking]
[raccoon growls]
[ominous music]
[Jethro] Oh, you bastard!
[yells]
-[raccoon growls]
-[Jethro yells]
Shoot it, goddammit,
shoot the fucking thing!
Eat lead, you fucking asshole.
[raccoon warbles]
Well, shit. [scoffs]
[raccoon growling]
-[raccoon shrieks]
-[Lenny yells]
[growls]
I told him there weren't
no God dang bears here.
[groans]
[lively foreboding music]
[foreboding music]
Oh, hi, Marla.
What's the good news?
Patty Emmons called.
Oh, Lord, what did
she see this time?
A UFO or another leprechaun?
No, Jethro and Lenny
went hunting
and they're not back yet.
They said they'd be back
by 12:00.
It's only 12:30.
[Marla] Yeah, well,
she's worried.
She's always worried
about something.
Well, this time
she's really crazy worried.
So you wanna go check on 'em?
Not really.
Well, if you don't,
she's gonna keep calling,
and then I'm gonna have
to deal with her,
and I don't wanna deal with her.
[Jonathan sighs]
All right, I'll go have a look.
It's not like I don't have
a million other things
to do today.
Good, I'll call her back
and let her know.
You know, Jethro's probably
hiding from her.
I know I would be
if I was married to her.
Uh, she's nuttier
than a squirrel turd.
Yes she is, and that's
why he drinks like a fish.
I'll be back in a bit.
Okay, be careful.
Always.
[telephone ringing]
[Marla] I'm coming,
Patty, I'm coming. [sighs]
[unsettling foreboding music]
Scurry off, you devil,
foul taker of souls.
I just like heavy
metal music, man.
Everybody likes
heavy metal music.
Jesus likes heavy metal music.
Jesus likes Ozzy Osbourne.
Jesus likes Ronnie James Dio.
Ronnie James Dio
was not a holy diver.
He rolled around
in Satan's feces.
I don't know,
I don't think that's right, man.
He did, brother.
He was besmirched.
Oh, I can't go
with you on that, man.
That's just nutty.
Behold, brothers and sisters,
our most righteous Lord.
That pile driver
of Satan's spawn.
-[man 1] Lies.
-We shall cast you out.
-Sad.
-Lord, I implore you
to cast out the rock and roll-a
from his soul-a.
Nah, man,
that's not gonna happen.
Ronnie James Dio forever, man.
-This is not a reality, man.
-[growls]
[man 2] Oh.
-[flesh squelching]
-[menacing music]
[both yell]
[Riley] God, dear Lord.
Is that a head?
[all shriek]
[man 3] Fuck!
Fuck this shit.
[tense ominous music]
[screams]
[yells]
Jesus, I'm sorry!
-[both shrieks]
-[man 3 yells] Jesus Christ!
[yells] Jesus Christ, Jesus!
[all shriek]
-Why have you forsaken me, Lord?
-[both scream]
[indistinct clamor]
She's my sweet little lamb!
Fear not, my flock.
For our brother
shall protect you.
-[groans]
-[lively tense music]
Or maybe just guide
you to paradise.
Ronnie James Dio forever.
Oh, Brother Fred,
it's Armageddon.
A furry monkey devil
is killing all our flock.
-[sighs]
-What are we gonna do?
Brother Riley, it's a miracle
you're still alive.
Why don't you take
some of that miracle.
-Okay, brother.
-Go spread it
to your brothers and sisters.
-[raccoon growls]
-[yells]
My God, the horror.
-[woman screaming]
-Oh, sister.
Oh, please,
save my baby, please.
Never even
finished patty cake.
-[raccoon snarling]
-It's the devil monkey!
[Riley yells]
[raccoon growls]
He was such a good boy.
Oh.
Oh, well.
[unsettling music]
-[foliage rustling]
-[raccoon warbling]
Hello?
Somebody there?
-[foliage rustling]
-Carlos, is that you?
You're not gonna scare me,
so you can knock it off.
Oh!
-[both grunt]
-[foreboding music]
What's wrong with you?
Watch where you're going.
Sorry. I'm so, so sorry.
Oh, my God, come on,
we have gotta go.
That thing is coming.
What are you talking about,
what's coming?
[pants] Goddammit, again?
The raccoon.
The raccoon?
This is some sort
of joke, right?
No.
No, it's all cracked out
on drugs
and it's out of its mind.
I... I swear to God.
Oh, my God, it killed Denny.
[cries]
This is some sort of
YouTube video, right?
I mean, you need
to work on your material.
A killer raccoon?
Be serious.
Listen to me, you stupid bitch!
I don't give a shit
if you believe me or not, okay?
I am getting the fuck outta here
before that thing comes back
and gets me again.
Now are you coming or not?
All right,
this is a little much.
You don't have to be
all nasty about it.
Shit, oh, shit,
I told you, come on!
-What are you doing?
-We gotta go!
-Get off of me.
-[groans]
Fuck.
You know what, you little twat?
You can just stay here
and get that pussy
shredded the fuck-up,
but not mine, honey, mm-mm.
What a weirdo.
[foreboding music]
[man farts]
[screaming]
[music fades]
[caller, on phone] I have seen
an evil gnome lurking the aisles
of Bo's Hardware.
-You saw what?
-[caller] An evil gnome
-coming to get me.
-No, ma'am. No, you didn't.
No, he's not a gnome,
his name is Nicholas.
And he's not coming to get you.
He's a dwarf.
[caller] Jonathan needs
to get down here right away.
No, no, fine, I will tell him
when he gets back.
Yes, yes, I'll make
that report, sure.
[caller] I'm in grave danger.
[mumbles, sighs]
[phone ringing]
[Mr. Roberts] Big Foot planted
his seed in my sweet Suzie.
How many times do I have
to tell you, Mr. Roberts?
Bigfoot is not real.
And he did not
impregnate your daughter.
That was Joey from the diner.
-[Mr. Roberts] The cook?
-Yeah.
[Allen] Oh, yeah, this is it.
[breathes heavily]
What do you think?
-[Sheila] Whatever.
-[Allen] Yeah.
This is a nice place
to set up camp.
If you say so.
I really don't care one way
or the other, Allen.
What the hell is your problem?
I have no idea
what you're talking about.
Bullshit, you've
been acting like this
ever since we got here.
I don't know, Allen, maybe
it's because I wanted to go
to Florida, or somewhere nice
for our vacation.
And instead, you dragged us
out to the middle of nowhere.
Look, we talked about this.
-We couldn't afford to--
-I know, I know.
We couldn't afford
a nice Florida vacation,
or anywhere nice,
so you brought us here instead.
[scoffs] You know business
has been slow lately.
Hmm, well,
maybe if you got a real job,
we'd have a little more money.
How many times
do I have to tell you?
A hotdog vendor is a real job.
When you're ten.
Hmm, maybe I should just
leave you for the paperboy.
He probably makes more money.
At least I have a job!
What do you do all day?
Sit around
on your ass watching TV?
Too bad we don't
get paid for that
'cause we'd be fucking
billionaires if we did.
You're an asshole.
[sighs] Look,
I don't wanna fight, okay?
We're on vacation.
Let's just try
to have a good time.
This is hardly a vacation.
[sighs] I mean,
it's not that bad.
We could go hiking
or fishing or--
I hate hiking and fishing.
[sighs sharply]
Well, what about birdwatching?
I think I saw a tufted titmouse
over there earlier.
Oh, that's great,
'cause that's the only tit
you're gonna see this weekend.
[Allen sighing]
How 'bout lunch, huh?
Would that make you happy?
Sure, what are you gonna make?
[Allen] I was thinking
we have some hot dogs.
They're nice over
an open campfire.
Yeah, might as well do
something with those hot dogs,
'cause you sure
as hell can't sell 'em.
Screw it.
-Where are you going?
-To get firewood.
I'll be back.
Take your time, Allen!
Maybe he'll fall
into a sinkhole or something.
[leaves crunching]
Fucking bitch.
Maybe she'll get eaten by a bear
or something this weekend.
-[foliage rustling]
-[raccoon warbling]
What's that?
Hey, little guy.
What are you?
A bunny?
Come here.
I don't bite.
-[raccoon growls]
-[foreboding music]
[screams]
[screams]
[woman snoring]
[unsettling music]
Oh, Willow.
Oh, baby wants a pet.
Oh, my sweet kitty.
[raccoon warbles]
Oh, you smelly kitty,
you need a bath.
[yells]
[ominous music]
-[raccoon warbles]
-[screams]
[crow cawing]
[foreboding music]
Hey, Marla, it's Jonathan.
I need you to give
the sheriff a call.
We got two dead bodies
up here on the mountain.
I don't know.
Could be a bizarre
hunting accident.
And when you get done,
yeah, I need you to give
old Patty Emmons a call back.
Let her know her boy Jethro
won't be coming home for dinner.
Oh, I probably should
call Charlotte.
[lulling music]
Hey, honey, something came up.
I'm gonna be late tonight.
I need you to go ahead
and put my dinner in the fridge.
I'll heat it up
when I get home, love you.
[phone vibrates, dings]
[foreboding music]
[Jonathan, over voicemail]
Hey, honey, something came up.
I'm gonna be late tonight.
I need you to go ahead
and put my dinner in the fridge.
I'll heat it up
when I get home, love you.
[mellow music]
Hey, babe, it's me.
Listen, the asshole's gonna
be late getting home tonight.
So why don't you come over
in about an hour?
Once you get here, you can cum
as many times as you want.
I'm super horny
and I cannot wait to see you.
See you soon.
[mellow music continues]
[squeals]
Oh, my God.
Ooh, yes!
Oh, thank you, God, thank you.
Oh, I just wanna say
I am so sorry for all the shit
I've done over the years.
Well, half of the shit anyways.
Oh, fuck it,
I might even consider going
to church on Sunday
just to show you my thanks.
[vocalizes] Ah
Uh-uh, don't expect it
to be a regular thing.
You know, us walking
into a church. [chuckles] Poof.
Fire hazard.
Wait a minute.
Wait, no, come to think of it,
I actually got
myself out of this.
You didn't do shit.
I was out there all day
running a marathon
from that trash can panda.
Where were you?
Up there on cloud nine
and eating your holy popcorn,
watching the fucking show.
Lord and savior, my ass.
[scoffs]
[laughs] Yes.
-[raccoon warbling]
-Ooh, shit!
[warbles]
[gasps] Ooh.
[lively tense music]
Hey, friend.
God, are you still there?
-[raccoon growls]
-[Frankie shrieks]
[foreboding music]
No, no, no, no, not another one.
Hey, Marla,
I hate to do this to you,
but I need you
to call the sheriff back.
There's another dead body.
Now this one looks like it could
be a wild animal attack.
No, no, this one's
further down the mountain.
I don't know.
Maybe a bear or a mountain lion.
I'm not sure.
Let me look around
and I'll call you right back.
[tense music]
Oh, good heavens.
[menacing music]
A coon?
It can't be.
Yeah, Marla, it's me.
We've got a fourth
dead body out here.
Yeah, I think we're dealing
with a rabid coon.
What? No, an actual raccoon.
Marla, do I need to send you
to sensitivity training again?
[man, on phone] A nasty raccoon
is violently humping Ellie Mae.
Send help quick!
Hold on, girl, helps a-coming.
[lively rock music]
[Natasha moans] Oh, right there.
-[Carlos] Oh, yeah?
-[Natasha] Oh, right there.
-[Carlos] Yeah?
-[Natasha] Little bit.
-[Carlos] Yeah.
-[Natasha] Yeah. Oh, my God.
-Oh, yeah.
-Oh, my God,
I'm so close, I'm gonna cum.
Oh, oh, I know, babe.
Right there. [moans]
-Yeah. [moans]
-Oh, yeah.
-Oh! Oh, my God, I'm so close.
-[snarls]
-Oh, my God, oh, my God, yes.
-Take that Centaur cock!
Sexy Centaur's got you there.
Yeah.
-Oh, yeah.
-[moans] Yeah.
Three, two, one, time to pee!
-What?
-[Carlos groans]
What are you doing?
I was so close!
-Oh. [sighs]
-Seriously?
Yeah, sorry, I gotta
race like a piss horse.
The one I wanna lose
has got spit.
-You couldn't hold it?
-No.
Ugh, listen,
gimme one minute,
I'll be back and we'll, uh,
-finish up.
-Okay, well, hurry up.
And will you open the window?
It's hotter
than the third circle
of hell in here.
[Carlos] Yes, your majesty.
[sighs]
Thank God he's pretty, ugh.
-[foreboding music]
-[raccoon warbling]
[snarls]
[foreboding music continues]
-[raccoon warbling]
-[Natasha giggles] Hey.
That was fast.
[raccoon warbles]
Oh, Carlos! [chuckles]
I thought you didn't do that.
[moans] Oh, my God, yes, Carlos.
-Oh, fuck, don't stop.
-I almost didn't make it there.
What you doing,
playing with yourself?
[growls]
[screams]
[foreboding music continues]
My boy's slamming it in there.
You hear her screaming?
Why don't you make
me scream like that?
[ominous music]
-[screams]
-[screams]
[screams]
[screams]
-[raccoon growls]
-[screams]
-[raccoon shrieks]
-[screams]
Carlos, Carlos, what the fuck?
Carlos, help me.
[screams]
-[growls]
-[unsettling music]
You're kidding, right?
You don't remember
that night at that hotel
-before Pop Pop's funeral?
-[Carlos yelling]
I made you scream
that night, didn't I?
Yeah, you did, but that's
because you were drunk
and you put it in my asshole.
You idiot.
Don't you remember me walking
funny for like three days?
And I had to sit
on a bag of frozen peas.
[Aiden] I do remember that.
-[shrieks]
-[yells]
[raccoon warbling]
Jeepers.
Creepers.
He ate my peepers.
[foreboding music]
[music fades]
You know, why don't you
make me scream like that?
Maybe I'll shove something
up your ass next time.
What... what, I...
I didn't hear you.
Nothing.
Do you need another beer?
-I do actually.
-Okay.
[Aiden] Thank you.
-Love you.
-[Denise] Love you too.
Hmm. I knew I should've
fucked her at Barktow's party.
-Hey.
-Whatever they're doing
in there sounds crazy
and really painful.
I think it sounds kick-ass.
Well, of course you do.
Guess I'm the prude
in this relationship, mm?
Kinda, but it's okay.
You're getting there.
One day we're gonna be doing
everything they're doing
and you're gonna love it. Boop.
Okay, on that note,
I'm gonna go get wet
in the shower.
-Okay, I'll join you.
-Ah, no thanks, stud.
I'm gonna take this one alone.
Yeah, it's probably
for the best.
[clears throat]
I feel a shit brewing right now,
and I think it's
turtle-necking a little bit.
Yeah, nice.
Go handle that
in the other restroom, please.
Why? Why would I do that?
Do I really have
to explain this to you?
Jesus, you really think
I wanna smell your shitty shits
while I'm trying to take
a nice, relaxing shower?
I would love for you
to smell my shitty shits,
but okay, fine.
I don't understand
why you would not
want to smell everything
that has been rotting
inside me throughout the day.
'Cause it doesn't smell
like roses, sweetheart.
It might this time.
I'll talk to you later.
But I still love you.
Even though
you don't wanna smell my shit.
[Denise] Nobody wants
to smell your shit.
I swear she's on her period.
[Denise] I heard that.
You're not wrong.
Yep, I know.
[farts]
[man, on phone] A rabid raccoon
on crack is killing people
-on the mountain.
-A raccoon?
On crack, yeah, that's rich.
You expect me
to believe that one?
I suppose next you're gonna
tell me it was Mothman?
[man] No, I says...
I says to you,
the Mothman attack
was last week.
Okay, yeah,
I'll take that report.
All day with these people,
all day.
I do not get paid enough
for this, ugh.
[sighs, groans]
[farts]
Twins.
Oh... oh, triplets, ooh.
[chuckles]
[sniffs] Oh, shit,
I guess it doesn't
smell that good. [groans]
[deep sniffs] Mm. Oh.
Shit.
Oh, God.
Nobody loves me.
I'm Italian, so they tell me
to go fusilli myself.
[Aiden laughs] Dude,
I love ethnic people too. Same.
Well, listen to this.
They're too busy stroking off
their beef anyway.
[laughs] Yeah, I cannot wait
to show Carlos this.
I'm about to send this
to him right now.
[comedian] You know,
I gotta admit that special sauce
-is delicious.
-[chuckles] Oh, that was bold.
[comedian] But I can never
get those sticky stains
off my shirt.
Dude is definitely gonna get
canceled for that. [chuckles]
But I'll still watch him.
I'll watch the, uh, reruns.
Oh, fuck, speaking of runs.
[comedian] Hey, thanks a lot.
You're a great crowd.
-[crowd laughing]
-Ooh!
[foreboding music]
Fuck.
Denise, get the toilet paper.
Sorry.
You don't have to smell my shit.
I sprayed something.
Denise?
Fuck.
Carlos, Tasha.
[knocking]
[Aiden] I need toilet paper.
[foreboding music continues]
[Aiden] Anybody?
Dammit.
[Aiden groaning]
[raccoon warbles]
-[raccoon snarling]
-[ominous music]
[Aiden yells]
[screams] Fuck!
-Fuck!
-[raccoon snarls]
[water gurgles]
[raccoon growls]
[coughs]
[coughs]
[raccoon warbles]
Aiden!
Can you bring me a towel?
Aiden, I need a towel,
I got soap in my eye!
Aiden, what are you doing?
I need a goddamn towel.
[lively tense music]
Aiden?
Are you in here?
[raccoon warbles]
-[raccoon thuds]
-[grunts]
What the hell?
[raccoon warbling]
-[Denise screams]
-[raccoon growls]
-[squelches]
-[Denise screams]
[raccoon growls]
[foreboding music]
[crow cawing]
Oh, shit.
Hey, hey, you okay?
Hello?
My God, he's dead.
-[both shriek]
-[tense music]
-Stop poking me.
-Fuck.
I'm not the Pillsbury Doughboy.
[Finn] Oh, my God,
what the fuck?
Shh, what is wrong with you?
Holy shit, you're alive.
Yeah.
What does it look like,
Stevie Wonder?
I am sitting here
talking to you, aren't I?
What the hell happened to you?
Did you fall into a wood chipper
or something?
Yes, I fell
into a fucking wood chipper.
How did you guess?
Dumb ass.
Well, then what
actually happened to you?
What does it look like?
That cracked-out raccoon
got a hold of me.
We have been through this.
This drugged-out
raccoon shit again?
I'm fucking serious, okay?
Look, that thing nearly
ripped me to pieces.
Just like it did Denny.
Right, so where is this
killer raccoon?
I don't know.
I'm sure it's still running
around here somewhere.
Drinking someone's blood.
Look, we have got
to call someone for help
before it comes looking for us.
Okay, who do you wanna call?
Well, the cops,
animal control, Ghostbusters?
You ask a lot of questions.
Just gimme your phone.
I left mine in the car.
I don't have one.
What do you mean
you don't have a phone?
Where is it, inside?
No, I mean,
I don't have a cell phone.
Never had one and I never will.
Ew, why the hell not?
Because I don't want one?
[Frankie] Girl, what the fuck
is wrong with you?
Nothing,
I just never wanted one.
Okay, and what if you
have like an emergency
or something, then what?
I never had one.
Ugh, okay,
Little House on the Prairie.
You're about to have one now.
Is there at least
a... a landline in that shack?
I think so.
All right, well let's go use it
and call for help
before we're both raccoon chow.
And trust me,
he is gonna find you first.
He can smell your pheromones.
Ooh.
-Oh.
-Oh, hey, hey, hey, hey,
come here, I'll help you.
You always catch me on my ass.
Thanks, I'm Frankie by the way.
I'm Finn.
Finn?
Isn't that a guy's name?
Funny, thought Frankie
was a guy's name too.
Girl, don't be so... oh, okay.
I got you.
You know what,
Huckleberry, touch.
Ooh.
[Jonathan]
Everything okay, folks?
Define okay.
[Jonathan] Damn,
what happened to you, fella?
It looks like you've been
through an industrial shredder.
Well, I feel like it too.
Really, what happened?
Goddammit, again?
I should really write
a book about this.
Yeah.
I was attacked by a raccoon.
Oh, I was afraid of that.
Look, we need
to get him to a hospital.
There are four dead bodies
in the woods nearby.
It looked like they were victims
of a wild animal attack.
In fact, I was coming
here to warn you
to keep an eye out for it.
Aw, well thanks, Dick Tracy,
but you're a little late.
[Jonathan] Excuse me?
Look, that fucking raccoon,
he killed my boyfriend.
And then he used me
as his personal chew toy.
I hate being sloppy seconds.
It killed your boyfriend?
Yeah, do you have a problem
with that, Officer Dewey?
[Jonathan] Of course not.
It's just we have
a hyperaggressive coon
on our hands.
It might be rabid.
We better clear the area.
Is there anyone else
in the house?
My friends.
Need you to go round them up.
Tell 'em we gotta get
outta here pronto.
It's not safe.
-Okay, we'll get them.
-Oh, ooh.
Ah.
Isn't this the damnedest thing?
Yeah, well, it isn't exactly
a normal raccoon.
[Jonathan] What do you mean?
Well, it got into some
pretty powerful crack.
Crack?
Yeah, you know.
[clicks tongue]
Ice, Chingy, base,
-jelly beans.
-[Finn screaming]
[Frankie] Hamburger Helper.
[Jonathan] How do you know
it got into crack?
Oh, well, I mean, I--
[Finn sobs, pants] They're dead,
they're all dead!
-Ma'am, what happened?
-It got them.
It got all of them.
What got them, who?
The raccoon got them.
-Is it still in there?
-I don't know.
[sighs] Okay, I am calling it.
Let's just let that be
one of life's mysteries.
If you haven't noticed yet,
I really need a doctor here.
It's getting infected.
Okay, I'll drive
you to the hospital.
We just need to make one stop
so I can check on my wife.
-Fine.
-Come on.
Just we gotta hurry
before that thing comes back.
Ow.
[mellow music]
-[car door shuts]
-[foreboding music]
[raccoon warbling]
[Liam] Come on out, babe.
Your doctor of love has arrived.
And I'm ready to take
your temperature...
rectally.
[foreboding music intensifying]
[Liam screaming]
[ominous music]
Liam?
Is that you?
[foreboding music]
-[warbles]
-[Liam's corpse farts]
Liam?
Did you bring those chili dogs?
I smell something.
[music fades]
[lulling music]
Mm.
[moans] Smells just like roses.
[moans]
You're looking hot there, babe.
Liam's gonna lose his shit.
[chuckles]
Girl, you are a knockout.
[chuckles]
You missed your calling.
You should have been a model.
Mm.
[raccoon warbling]
Liam?
[foreboding music]
Babe, is that you?
Liam, I got a brand-new,
sexy little number just for--
[gasps]
-[raccoon warbling]
-[Charlotte gasps]
[raccoon snarling]
[exclaims]
-[Charlotte screams]
-[ominous music]
Oh, my God, get off of me!
Oh, you little piece of shit!
-[screams]
-[raccoon warbles]
Look what you did to my tits!
They were perfect
and you ruined them.
[yelps]
[raccoon warbling]
[foreboding music]
[Jonathan] All right, folks,
we're here,
I'll just be a minute.
Really, Charlotte, again?
You've got to be kidding me.
[Finn] What? What's wrong now?
[Jonathan] Oh, nothing
for you to worry about.
I'll be right back.
[Frankie] Okay,
you just take your time.
I'll stay here
and bleed to death.
No hurries.
Wonder what that was all about.
[menacing music]
Oh, my.
Charlotte.
I am no expert,
but if I had to guess,
I would say somebody's
dipping their chocolate
into her peanut butter, honey.
What do you mean? Oh.
I get it.
Ooh, that makes me
really want a Reese's.
You think they have one
on the way?
Frankie, focus, we need
to get you to a hospital.
[groans] Fine.
[Jonathan] Oh, God.
Charlotte, no, no,
I should have been here.
Oh. [sobs]
What do you think's
going on in there?
I don't know,
but it probably ain't pretty.
-I'm going to check on them.
-Uh-uh, hold on, Huckleberry.
Take it from me, you do
not wanna get involved
with shit like that.
Just leave it alone, girl.
I just wanna make
sure everything's okay.
Here, this should help you.
What?
How come nobody ever listens
to Frankie?
Bitches.
[raccoon warbles]
[foreboding music]
[gasps]
-Hey.
-That was a gunshot.
Get your ass back in here,
Huckleberry.
-[Finn screams]
-[raccoon growls]
-Get off of me!
-[Frankie yells]
Help!
[Finn screams]
Don't shoot, you moron,
you're gonna hit her.
Don't shoot--
[Frankie shrieks]
[screams]
That bastard killed my wife
and now it's gonna pay.
Are you okay? Come on.
I think so.
Thank God he is one lousy shot.
That could've been
a lot worse, honey.
What the hell is wrong
with you, man?
You almost blew her brains out.
I didn't, did I?
I am gonna kill that damn thing.
There's more guns in the house.
And so?
So why don't you make yourself
useful and go grab one
-so you can help me out.
-[Frankie] Huh?
[gasps]
Make myself useful?
What a dick.
Whoa, whoa, whoa.
And where are you going,
Huckleberry?
We have to help him.
No, we don't.
Let's just let him deal
with it on his own.
We need to get outta here.
That thing killed
all my friends.
It's payback time.
Okay, listen, Sarah Connor,
just at least go grab
one of his guns first.
-No.
-Excuse me?
What do you mean, no?
I don't like guns.
Uh, of course you don't.
I should have known
you were one of those
anti-gun people. [scoffs]
Well, I've got good reason
to be anti-gun.
Well, why?
Because...
my dad was an abusive alcoholic,
and one night he was
attacking my mom.
So I took his gun and shot him.
Oh!
Jesus, Huckleberry.
I'm so sorry.
I had to, he was gonna kill her.
It's okay, come here.
I totally understand.
My dad was an asshole too.
-[gunshots firing]
-[crows cawing]
Oh, there he goes.
Come on, let's go help him
before he blows his dick off,
or something.
Come out, come out
wherever you are,
you little shit!
[tense music]
Ooh. Ha-ha, just in case.
Oh, wait, Huckleberry,
this one's defective.
That's a guard, Frankie.
I knew that.
-[ominous music]
-[growls]
-[growls]
-Hang on, Johnny, we're coming!
-[yelps]
-Frankie!
[Frankie yelling]
Get off me, you little fucker.
-[growls]
-[Frankie grunts]
[tense music intensifying]
Well, if I didn't have rabies,
I definitely do now. [pants]
[somber dramatic music]
Holy shit,
Huckleberry, nice shot.
You okay?
Well, I'll live.
Thanks to you, of course.
Where the hell did you learn
to shoot like that?
[Finn] Guess I'm just a natural.
And thank God for that.
Can you do me a favor?
What's that, Frankie?
Can you please take us
to the hospital?
Look at us, Carrie.
[pants, sobs]
Come on, let's go.
[Frankie] Red on blue
is not a good look.
One hell of a shot.
[cheerful music]
-[raccoon warbling]
-[menacing music]
["Crackcoon Kills" playing]
Outcasts of society
Trash panda
thrashin' all day
We only have ourselves
to blame
Raccoons on crack
cannot be tamed
So fuck the shrink
and fuck your pills
Fuck sanity, fuck Dr. Phil
He ain't scared
of no fucking bear
Crackoon kills
Crackoon kills
He'll fuck your life
and fuck your face
Fuck the world,
yeah, fuck this place
He likes the taste
of this human race
Crackcoon kills
Crackcoon kills
Exterminate the ruling class
Apex predator
will eat your ass
This is the end
of all mankind
Look how the crack
destroyed his mind
So fuck the job
and fuck your bills
Fuck survival,
fuck their thrills
A killer won't stop
when he's on the rock
Crackcoon kills!
Crackcoon kills!
Fuck gasoline,
fuck student loans
Fuck politics,
fuck the ozone
Fuck the folk
'cause we're on our own
Crackcoon kills!
Crackcoon kills!
Crackcoon
Crackcoon! Crackcoon!
Crackcoon!
Crackcoon! Crackcoon!
Crackcoon!
Crackcoon!
Don't want
the shakes tonight
Crackcoon
will take your life
He's jonesing
for another high
A day of infamy
goes down in history
A ball of chemistry
So fuck the shrink
and fuck your pills
Fuck sanity, fuck Dr. Phil
He ain't scared
of no fucking bear
Crackcoon kills!
Crackcoon kills!
He'll fuck your life
and fuck your face
Fuck your world,
yeah, fuck this place
He likes the taste
of this human race
Crackcoon kills!
Crackcoon kills!
Crackcoon! Crackcoon!
Crackcoon!
Crackcoon! Crackcoon!
Crackcoon!
Crackcoon! Crackcoon!
Crackcoon!
-[song concludes]
-[lively tense music]
-[raccoon warbling]
-[music concludes]
[dramatic pensive music]
-[music fades]
-[foreboding music]
[woman] Are you sure
he said he'll be here?
[man] Yeah, but Denny,
you can count
on Denny showing up.
[inhales sharply]
As long as there's money.
[woman] I ain't got no money.
[sniffs] Don't worry about it,
don't worry about.
I got you covered.
I got you covered.
As long as that
greasy motherfucker
decides to show up,
I got you covered.
-Ah, yeah, speak of the devil.
-There he is now.
[foreboding music]
-You got the stuff?
-You got money, ho?
'Cause you know I don't take
no American Express.
[man] I got the dough,
I got the money
for what we need.
Great, then let's talk business.
How much rock did you want?
A hundred bucks of rock.
[laughs]
You two plan on throwing
a party or OD'ing together?
Hey, man, we didn't come here
to be insulted, all right?
Now you gonna sell us
some nuggets
or we gotta go elsewhere?
Oh, no offense, ma'am.
Old Denny here's got something
a little extra special
for you two tonight.
What the fuck
you talking about?
Bro, I'm talking about
the latest thing to hit town.
Acid mind drainage.
Fuck that, man.
We just want regular,
regular rock. Regular rock.
[woman] Yeah, yeah,
no bullshit, all right?
No, no, no, hear me out here.
I'm still talking crack.
But this is like
super-charged crack.
Like, this shit
will blow your minds.
And your dicks.
You tell me you ain't heard
of this orange shit.
[man] No, man.
I've been around long enough
to be able to smell bullshit
a mile away... [sniffs]
...and I'm smelling it now.
Just tell me about it.
Is this shit gonna cost me
-an arm and a leg, or what?
-Nah.
Nah, today we doing
discount price.
I charge you the same
and I hit you up
with the new shit.
Okay, all right, man.
Hook us up. [sniffs]
But if this shit don't
get us off like you saying,
we're just not
coming back anymore.
[both chuckle]
This looks a little...
looks like little orange candy.
-[woman] What the hell?
-[mumbling]
Some magically delicious,
oh, me Lucky Charms.
[music fades]
[woman] Think Denny
was just bullshitting us?
[man] Well,
we'll find out in a minute.
You know, you heard
his pitch, man.
Here, look. You heard his pitch.
-[suspenseful music]
-Shit's gotta be slamming.
Unless he was handing us
a line of bullshit anyway.
Yeah, sure is weird.
Look like little,
little orange candies.
Let me see,
let me see, let me see.
Hold on, hold on, hold on.
You... you're...
you're gonna share this with me
like you said, right, man?
Of course, of course!
But, um, I'm gonna
have to try it first.
You know what I'm saying,
just to make sure that, uh,
that it is quality...
quality stuff.
Hold on a sec, right?
Oh, unless he was
bullshitting us anyway.
-[lighter clicks]
-[foreboding music]
[woman] Vic.
[Vic gags]
-This shit's amazing!
-Yeah?
[lighter clicking]
-[groans]
-[woman] Vic, come on,
I don't got all day.
Come on, man, it's my turn.
[foreboding music continues]
All right, all right, all right,
come on, my turn, my turn!
Come on, come on, man.
-No!
-[screams]
[tense music]
[gags]
Hey, Dutch, you got any
of that crack left?
-[Vic growls]
-Oh, fuck!
[exciting music]
[music fades]
You know, for the chump change
this cheap-ass
county's paying me,
I oughta give up doing
autopsies altogether.
I've got a funeral parlor
to run upstairs.
I don't need this
gruesome little side gig.
[man laughs] Come on, Lewis.
I mean, they'd still be wheeling
in your gunshot victims,
your stabbing victims.
And you know, kids getting
mangled up in car accidents.
Yeah, but all I have to do
is make 'em look pretty.
I don't have to saw off
the tops of their skulls.
Yeah, you make a good point.
This one freaks me out.
Especially when I think
about her eyes,
which aren't really there, man.
It... it's like somebody stuffed
little tiny oranges in there.
The pupils were gone.
Yeah, I... I can't believe
the perp kept hitting her
over and over. I mean,
couldn't he see
that she was dead?
I mean, it... it just makes me
wanna puke, you know?
He kept stabbing her
with the crack pipe
-over and over.
-Hold on, hold on.
-Calm down, calm down.
-Sorry, sorry.
You know,
we have a job to do here.
What you're seeing
is the effects
of a designer,
so-called street drug.
I think it's probably
maybe a combination
of... of crack cocaine
and... and something
like bath salts.
And we know
what bath salts does,
it not only cleans out
your bowels and your intestines,
it sucks the brain
outta your head.
Right, like, uh,
like when we aspirate
one of our normal guys.
That's it exactly.
[chuckles] Fucks 'em up
and they don't even know it.
Speaking of which, you hear
about that guy down in Miami?
So fucked up on bath salts,
he ate his
girlfriend's face off.
[chuckles]
I followed that case seriously
'cause it was so weird,
you know?
Both of 'em were on bath salts.
He bit her in the face,
must've liked it
'cause he kept going.
He chomped all the flesh
right off of her skull.
And sitting there on the curb,
chewing on it
with a grin on his face,
like he was eating a fine steak.
She died in the ER.
I'm telling you,
if the cops don't get
a handle on this
sooner rather than later,
we're gonna be up
to our eyeballs
in these sloppy joes
before long.
Well, the lab guys
say they can't forecast
who's gonna go
a little bit crazy
or who's gonna
just flat out die.
I guess given all that,
I... I'd understood
if you give up autopsies,
I get it.
I actually enjoy
making 'em look really nice
for when their loved ones
come in and see 'em
in the viewing room.
But I gotta tell you, anymore,
I really dread having
to cut into them.
Yeah, I get that.
Hey, you wanna grab lunch?
I was thinking maybe, um,
orange chicken.
Hey, Chinese sounds good
to me, man. [sniffs]
You know, in spite of all this,
I still got a cast iron stomach.
[man] Huh.
Hey, do you think she looks
like that one waitress?
Yeah, there's a resemblance,
but she ain't as lively.
[tense music]
[Charlotte yawns]
-You cooked breakfast?
-[Jonathan] Yep.
Oh, you know I can't eat
when I first get up
in the morning.
Well, it's not just for you.
I made some coffee too.
Well, coffee I can do.
You're up awfully early.
I figure with it
being spring break and all,
you'd be sleeping in.
You know me.
I just get up no matter what.
Well, I wish I was like that.
I'd sleep until noon
every day if I could.
Well, growing up
on a farm will do that to you.
We got up at the crack
of dawn every day. [sighs]
You just get used to it
after a while.
So what are you
gonna do today?
I don't know.
Maybe like grade some papers
and do a little cleaning.
You have the entire week off.
Why don't you do something fun?
I have too much to do.
Go down
and do something for yourself
and relax this week.
It's spring break.
Spring break
is for kids, you know?
Like, I'm just too busy.
[Jonathan] It will get done.
Do something nice for yourself.
Well, I guess
it's been a while
since I've done any painting.
Exactly.
You can get started
on a new one today.
Maybe I will.
What do you have going on today?
Well, just patrolling
the back mountain.
Ooh, that sounds like fun.
Well, with all those
college kids going up there,
I'm sure it'll be
a little interesting.
You better make sure
they're not up to no good.
Well, they are college kids
and it is spring break.
It wasn't that long ago
that we were those college kids.
Yeah. Wow, time has flown.
Yeah, too fast.
I miss those days.
Are you really that unhappy?
Now, why would
you even ask that?
Well, that business
with Liam and all,
-I just thought...
-[sighs] I'm sorry! Okay?
I made a mistake,
and I haven't even seen Liam
in a coon's age.
I thought we weren't gonna talk
about this anymore!
-[pensive music]
-Okay, okay.
I'm sorry.
I'm sorry too.
I don't know how many times
I have to apologize.
Look, just forget about it.
[sighs]
Just drop it.
I dropped it six months ago.
You were supposed to as well.
Listen, you'd do
the same damn thing
if it happened to you.
And don't stand there
and say you wouldn't.
Whatever you say.
You can believe whatever
you wanna believe.
[melancholy music]
[sighs]
Well, I better get going.
Got a lot to do.
And sooner I get out,
sooner I'll be back.
Well, be careful
out there today.
I will, it's not like anything
major's gonna happen.
-It never does.
-[chuckles]
Watch it, you remember
what happened the last time
you said that.
Oh, there was that time
that guy tried to shoot
Wanda Claggett thinking
she was Sasquatch,
-wasn't it?
-[laughs]
Well, poor Wanda.
She is a big hairy woman.
You're awful!
You can't stand here
and say she doesn't
look like Bigfoot.
Well, I guess she isn't
exactly feminine, is she?
No, she's not.
Look, I gotta go
but I'll be back.
All right, love you.
Love you too.
[cheerful music]
[vehicle passing]
What the hell
are you scratching for,
you got fleas, or something?
I don't got fucking fleas.
Do I look like a dog to you?
I ain't seen a dog
as ugly as you.
Oh, fuck you, Otis.
Ah, you wouldn't like it,
I'd just lay there
and wipe boogers on your back.
[giggles]
Why are you so fucking gross?
It's just the way my mama
raised me, I suppose.
I bet she's proud of that,
the way you turned out.
What the hell
you talking about?
-I'm her pride and joy.
-I know your mama.
She don't care
for you that much.
She'd have aborted you
if she had the chance.
She tried.
But I was able to grab that
coat hanger out of her hand
just in time! [laughs]
That's a damn shame.
[groans]
Where the fuck is he?
He said he'd be right back.
Maybe he's lost!
He ain't the brightest guy
in the world.
He better not have
ran off with my money though.
I'll kill him.
He's dumb,
but he ain't dumb enough
to do something like that.
-He's pretty damn dumb.
-[Chaz] Yo, yo, yo!
What's up, my niggas?
Hey, what took you so long?
Took a little while
to find my friend Denny.
Denny, I haven't seen
that asshole in weeks.
I thought someone
blew his damn head up.
Probably should,
he's a real piece of shit.
Hey, don't talk ill about him.
-He's good people.
-[Otis] A real fucking prince
selling dope to all them
school kids, and shit.
-You got my shit?
-I ever let you down?
[squeals]
[Otis] What the fuck
is that shit, Cheetos?
It's some new stuff
I got from Denny.
Got a good price on it too.
It's supposed to blow
your fucking mind.
Mm, it fucking better.
I'm fiending,
light that shit up.
[foreboding music]
[coughs]
You all right?
You gonna cough up
a fucking lung?
[grunts] Nah, I'm good.
I never felt better,
this shit is awesome.
You gotta try it.
I don't think so,
that looks weird to me.
Your loss.
Do you want some, Betty Sue?
Hell yeah.
Weird looking or otherwise.
I'll try anything once.
That's the same shit
John Belushi
and Amy Winehouse used to say.
Things turned out great
for them, didn't it?
Gimme a break,
I had a rough fucking day.
[chuckles] Or maybe
had a rough life.
-Boo fucking hoo.
-[coughs]
[Betty coughs]
[laughs]
Ooh, I am fucked to the up.
[chuckles] Me too.
Damn, I can't explain
how that makes me feel.
That's just fucking amazing.
Sure you don't
want some, old man?
All right, fuck it,
hand it over.
[coughs]
[both cough]
Second thought, I'll pass.
[groans]
Hmm, what's fucking wrong
with him?
Hey, yo!
Hey!
Yo!
Motherfucker, I ain't giving you
mouth-to-mouth.
[foreboding tense music]
[grunts]
[groans]
[cackles]
[roars]
[grunts]
[laughs]
[yells]
[laughs]
[coughs]
Hey, babe,
can you hand me the keys?
-I really gotta pee.
-[Aiden] Yeah.
Thanks.
[dramatic pensive music]
[Aiden sighs] You smell
that fresh mountain air?
It's nice, isn't it?
Yes.
[farts] It is.
Really, dude? You're nasty.
-Better out than in.
-[Natasha] Ew.
Hey, at least
I didn't do that in the car.
I hope you bought him
some extra trousers
because I'm pretty sure
he shit himself.
[clears throat]
No, I'm straight.
No lumps.
Classy.
So did we get the beer?
I think so.
You got the herb, right?
Shit, dude.
Yeah, I knew I forgot something.
No worries, amigo,
'cause Denny the many
is supposed to be here sometime
today or tomorrow.
He'll hook us up.
Isn't Denny the, uh,
the fruity dope guy?
That would be Denny.
Well, we can't have Denise
and them see each other
because he creeps her out.
No worries.
He's an odd one, for sure.
But he's got the best damn weed
in the entire Tri-State area.
[inhales sharply]
I can't disagree with that.
He does have the best weed
I've ever smoked.
Mm-hmm. Yeah, I'll give him
a call a little bit later.
I've got him on speed dial.
[Aiden] All right, let's...
let's get this stuff out the car
and then
we'll give him a ring, okay?
Sounds like a plan, Stan.
Man, it is so nice
to be back up here.
I've been stoked
for this forever, bro.
Dude, it's... it's just nice.
It's nice to get out
and just get away from it all
for a while, you know?
Yeah, it's kind of depressing
that this is probably
gonna be the last time
that we are here together
for a while.
Nah, dude, you gotta think
about it like this.
Tonight is gonna be
the most epic night
of our lives, man.
We're gonna be drinking,
we're gonna be fucking,
and maybe even some anal.
Yeah, boy, this weekend's
about to be fucking lit.
[Aiden] Yeah, dude,
it's gonna be fucking epic.
Yeah, bro, chest bump me,
chest bump me.
[Aiden] Yeah, let's...
let's fucking chest bump, dude.
[both grunt]
Ow, fuck.
[foreboding music]
[raccoon warbling]
[heavy metal music]
[Frankie] Can you turn
that down, please?
-What?
-Turn it down.
-What?
-Oh, my God,
turn that fucking shit down.
I can't even hear my--
Why are you yelling?
I ain't deaf.
Oh, my God, never mind.
Oh, my God, and slow down.
Where are you going,
Speed Racer?
You worry too much,
why are you suspicious?
Uh, hello?
The last thing we need
is to be pulled over
while we're driving around
with all of this shit.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah,
stop being a little bitch.
[gasps]
-Oh!
-Hey, take it easy, ho.
What you trying to do,
kill us both?
[Frankie]
Now, what I don't understand
is how the hell
do you intend to sell
all of this at the campground?
There's a hell of a lot
of pot in here, Cheech.
Relax, queen,
I already got it covered.
I had one of my
high school friends hit me up
the other day, named Billy.
-Did you fuck him?
-[Denny] No!
-Well, maybe.
-[gasps]
-Whore.
-[Denny scoffs] Anyway,
so he hit me up
about a week ago,
and said he and his friends
were coming up here
in the woods,
and looking to get high.
So I said, "I got you covered."
But then I didn't hear
from the son of a bitch.
So then I decide,
I offer to make a delivery,
'cause you know I don't do
that free charity shit.
So I said I'd hit him up.
But the thing was, he said
he didn't want the crack.
He said no to that crack,
which surprised me.
[Frankie] Oh, well,
that reminds me,
I actually wanted
to tell you about something.
-What?
-Well, this guy
at the county morgue,
a great customer
of mine by the way.
-[Denny] I bet.
-He said they recently
brought in a couple
of like weird-looking stiffs.
What was weird
is they had these...
-these bright orange eyes.
-Bright orange eyes?
-[Frankie] I know, it's so--
-What's that, another STD?
-[coughs]
-[Frankie] You would know.
[gasps]
No, sweetheart,
they actually said
it's some sort
of like brand-new drug.
But I don't think
they actually know yet.
-What, whoa, watch out, Denny!
-[Denny] Oh!
[Frankie]
What the fuck was that?
[siren whirring]
[Frankie] Oh, my God.
Oh, my God, Denny,
they're pulling us over.
What are we gonna do?
I can't go to jail.
I'm too cute.
Wait, wait, I've got a plan.
-What's the plan?
-Just keep driving,
and now you can speed up,
all right?
The camp turnoff
is coming right here.
Listen, once we make the turn,
the cops won't see us
for a few seconds, all right?
It's really covered
by a bunch of trees.
I'm gonna throw my hand
back into the forest there.
We'll just come back
for it later, okay?
[Denny] Okay, all...
all right, all right.
-[Frankie] Okay.
-[Denny] We... we might be okay.
[Frankie] Okay, just keep going.
We're far enough away that
they might not be suspicious.
[Frankie] Okay.
[foreboding music]
[Frankie] All right, well this
might be a good spot.
Oh, my God,
we've gotta do it now.
[siren continues wailing]
[foreboding music continues]
Sir, I need your license
and registration, please.
What seems to be
the problem, officer?
Okay.
What was that driving stunt
you just pulled back there,
swerving across
the road like a maniac?
Sir, I could smell your breath
and you don't smell like
you've been drinking,
so I'm not gonna order
a breathalyzer on you.
But what the hell
was that all about?
Oh, well, you see,
this little raccoon just
scurried across the road
and I swerved
to avoid flattening it.
[chuckles nervously]
Yeah, it does happen
a lot in these parts.
Yes, sir, I'm gonna
give you a pass on that.
-[sighs]
-[officer 1] I gotta ask you
another question.
How about the first time you
lost control of your car?
Was that another raccoon?
-Well, you see--
-No.
No, sir, I don't know.
What I do know is
a short space of five minutes,
you two endangered human lives
with your reckless driving.
Now, what was
the first incident about?
-[Frankie] Oh.
-We had a little, um--
Oh, well, you see, officers,
we're actually on our honeymoon.
We just got married.
-Yeah.
-Congratulations.
[Frankie] Ooh, thanks.
What do you mean
you just got married?
Yes, Denny here finally
popped the question.
[chuckles] Oh, that's beautiful,
isn't it pretty?
-Look at the ring.
-Oh, is this Kay's Jewelry?
-[Frankie] Absolutely.
-[officer 1] Only the best.
Totally.
[officer 1]
You two lucky bastards.
-Oh.
-Oh. You're too kind.
Okay, well, yes, we were going
a little over the speed limit,
but we have good reason.
We're actually
on our way to our hotel room.
-Oh, my Lord.
-[Denny] Yeah.
Me and Denny here
are really looking forward
to consummating the wedding.
Aren't we, baby?
[Denny] The things
I'm gonna do to you.
[Frankie] Oh, like what?
Oh, you're gonna see
what when we get there.
A night
at Frankie's Fudge Factory?
Okay, okay, that's enough.
I don't wanna hear anymore.
Sorry.
So we're free to go, officer?
[officer 2] Yes, yes.
For God's sake,
get the hell outta here already.
Thanks, Mr. Q.
[officer 2] Just try to keep it
under 55, all right?
Oh, cross my heart
and hope to die.
Good, now you have
a nice rest of your day.
-Thank you, you too.
-You too.
God bless you, officers.
-[officer 2] Yeah.
-Well, you enjoy
-your evening.
-[Frankie] Oh, we will.
-Thank you.
-Thank you.
[officer 1]
Send me some pictures.
-Oh, absolutely.
-Oh, we will.
[officer 1] Oh, you're so funny.
Gee, why can't I get married?
[sighs] That was close.
[tense music]
[warbles]
[sighs]
So what's the plan?
Well, I say we wait
until we're sure they're gone,
and then we're gonna go
pick up the shit, okay?
Okay, sounds good.
-[foreboding music]
-[raccoon warbles]
[foreboding music intensifying]
[raccoon warbles]
[Aiden] Oh, yeah, let me,
let me think, um.
Is, uh...
you don't drink,
you don't smoke.
[hums] I don't know the rest.
Go.
Goody two, Goody two
Goody, Goody Two-shoes
I'm not a Goody Two-shoes.
Oh, calm down.
It's nothing to be ashamed of.
I just don't like
to drink, okay?
Okay.
Why not?
Because my dad had
a problem with it,
and I don't wanna
end up like him.
That's right, I remember now.
That one night that he waltzed
into White Castle
in nothing but his underwear.
-[laughs]
-[laughs]
That's funny shit, oh,
I wish I was there to see it.
[Carlos] Oh,
you wish you did, bro.
There was a big mud stain
in the back
of his whitey tighties,
and one of his nuts hanging
out the front. [laughs]
[Denise] Guys, I think
we should drop this.
I really don't think
that Finn wants to hear
-about any of this.
-Oh, man, he was sharting
in his seat. [laughs]
Ew. Well, he was eating
sliders all night.
-Oh.
-Dude, there's no way, dude.
How is... Where did
he even put his money?
Oh, the old prison wallet.
He pulled it right out,
handed it stench and all
to the cashier.
Just a big sticky wad.
Oh, that's disgusting.
Seriously, guys, can we
please just stop talking about-
Actually, wait, wait.
No, no, no, shh.
I remember a story
my uncle told me one time.
He told me
that he was one of the guys
that arrested him that night,
and he threw up
all over the cop car.
It was fucking nasty.
Everyone at the precinct
was furious.
[chuckles] Dude,
there's no wonder
you don't wanna drink, man.
-Shut up.
-What the heck?
I'm going for a walk,
be back later.
You guys are assholes.
[Aiden] What'd we do?
[Denise] You know about her past
and how sensitive she is
about her dad.
Why would you even bring it up?
Because I thought it was funny.
Not to her.
It is... it's okay, it's okay.
All she has to do is loosen up,
maybe have a few drinks.
Not too many, obviously.
And then, maybe...
maybe you'll get
the stick out of her ass.
Exactly, bro, but then
she's gonna end up drunk
at White Castle
in her underwear,
just like her old man.
[all laugh]
You're awful.
-Fuck you.
-[Aiden] What the hell?
-Where you going?
-To get a drink.
Can you get me one please?
Please and thank you.
After the shit you pulled,
you can get one yourself.
[Aiden sighs]
I don't know about you,
bro, but...
I wouldn't mind seeing Finn
in her underwear.
-Excuse me?
-But I mean,
you gotta admit, I mean,
you seen
the dumper on that girl?
[scoffs] I'd eat her shitter
like an apple fritter.
And then fuck her brains out.
-Same.
-Yeah?
Well, why don't we go do that?
-[Carlos] Do what?
-Fuck your brains out.
[gulps]
Hey now, chap, it's been swell.
Good night, good evening,
and good luck.
See you tomorrow. My dear,
to the jousting chamber.
Babe. Babe!
Fuck.
All right, the coast is clear.
Yeah, let's go, Thelma.
[dramatic music]
[spits] Ew.
-Oh, God, get away!
-What's wrong with you?
Well, I'm trying to get away
from all these damn creatures!
I hate bugs,
and all these snakes,
and all these other
nasty motherfuckers.
-Nature sucks.
-Calm your clit.
It ain't that bad.
Well, excuse me,
Malibu's most-wanted.
[gasps]
Well, I don't see bugs
trying to orally violate you.
[groans]
-Don't touch me, homo.
-[gasps]
-But you love my touches.
-No, getting real tired
-of your shit.
-That's not fair, Denny.
Oh, here it is.
Thank God, hurry and grab it
so we can get outta here
before these things
eat me alive.
Uh-oh.
[Frankie]
What do you mean, "Uh-oh"?
-What is it?
-The shit,
it isn't in here.
"It isn't in there."
Very funny, Denny.
It's an empty bag, fag.
Ugh, feelings.
-[sighs]
-Well, help me find it,
it's gotta be
around here somewhere.
Where could it have gone?
I don't know, it didn't
just get up and walk on away.
Well, no shit, Einstein.
But it's gotta be
around here somewhere.
-[raccoon warbling]
-[both gasp]
What the hell is that?
[foreboding music]
It's probably a fucking bear,
or something.
It ain't no bear.
-I think I know what it is.
-What?
-Be careful.
-[raccoon warbles]
-[menacing music]
-[both yelp]
No!
-[sighs]
-[groans]
Well, I think I know
where all the shit went.
Well, what are we gonna do now?
-Hang on, I'll get it.
-Oh.
For God's sake,
come here, you little shit,
you got something that we need.
I don't think it wants
to give it back, babe.
-[raccoon shrieks]
-[ominous music]
[both shriek]
[Frankie] Oh, God.
[Denny shrieks]
Stop it, he doesn't like it
when you use your teeth!
[Denny] Get off my dick!
[both clamoring]
It's got my balls, Frankie!
[shrieks]
[both clamoring]
[coughs]
Denny!
Oh! Oh, no, no.
[Frankie shrieking]
Denny! [shrieks] No, no!
My sweet Denny.
You would've wanted me
to save myself.
[Frankie whimpering]
Get away from me,
you... you gremlin.
[yelps]
[screams]
[birds chirping]
[carefree mellow music]
[camera shutter clicking]
So beautiful up here.
So peaceful and quiet.
[gunshot fires]
What the hell?
[gunshots firing]
[Lenny] Take that,
you cock-sucking squirrels.
You ain't ever gonna be stealing
my nuts ever again. Yeah.
You ain't even hit them,
dumb ass.
There they go. Running away.
What?
That was just a warning shot.
I wanna get 'em good
and scared
before I blow 'em away.
Warning shot, my ass.
You couldn't hit
the blue side of a red barn
if you were standing
right in front of it.
[scoffs] Hell, son,
you ain't done much better.
-How many did you get today?
-None.
But I'm after something bigger
than them little squirrels.
-[Lenny] What you after?
-What do you think?
-Dumbass.
-Dumbass?
You's the dumbass, Jethro.
Ain't no bears up here
in these parts.
Then how come I seen
'em out here before?
You's probably drunk.
You ain't see no God dang
bears up here.
Then what the hell was it,
Big Foot?
[Lenny] I don't know,
maybe it's your mama.
She kind of a big
old fat, hairy broad.
Maybe she was hungry,
wandering around the woods,
stealing some picnic baskets
or something.
Screw you, Lenny.
At least my mom
ain't a big old whore
who sells her dirty snatch
for cigarettes,
-like yours does.
-Hey,
you kiss my ass,
you son of a bitch.
You can't talk about my mom.
[Frankie] Hey, hey,
guys, please help me.
What the shit?
It... it just killed Denny.
And now it's coming
to get me next.
What's this? What the hell
you talking about, Nancy boy?
What's coming after you?
A naked lady? [chuckles]
I bet you scared to death
of them, aren't you, boy?
It's a...
it's a fucking raccoon!
Listen, it just ripped Denny
to pieces.
Please, you've gotta help me,
it's right out there.
A raccoon, what the hell...
what the hell
are you going on about?
Uh, listen to me,
you fucking troglodytes.
I am telling you
it's a killer raccoon, okay?
It's all fucked up
on drugs and shit.
I think you's the one
who's fucked up on drugs.
Sissy boy.
Watch out, that killer coon
gonna get you.
[foreboding music]
-[growls]
-Fuck me. It's here.
Are you guys gonna do something?
Shoot it!
-Get off my gun, boy.
-Oh, forget you, pig fuckers.
[whimpers]
What in the name
of Dolly Parton's
-big old sweet titties was that?
-I don't know.
Them gays is weird.
-[raccoon growling]
-What's that?
[Jethro] Maybe it's one
of those killer raccoons
that fairy was going on about.
[chuckles] So watch out, man.
That killer coon
might get your ass.
[bird squawking]
[raccoon growls]
[ominous music]
[Jethro] Oh, you bastard!
[yells]
-[raccoon growls]
-[Jethro yells]
Shoot it, goddammit,
shoot the fucking thing!
Eat lead, you fucking asshole.
[raccoon warbles]
Well, shit. [scoffs]
[raccoon growling]
-[raccoon shrieks]
-[Lenny yells]
[growls]
I told him there weren't
no God dang bears here.
[groans]
[lively foreboding music]
[foreboding music]
Oh, hi, Marla.
What's the good news?
Patty Emmons called.
Oh, Lord, what did
she see this time?
A UFO or another leprechaun?
No, Jethro and Lenny
went hunting
and they're not back yet.
They said they'd be back
by 12:00.
It's only 12:30.
[Marla] Yeah, well,
she's worried.
She's always worried
about something.
Well, this time
she's really crazy worried.
So you wanna go check on 'em?
Not really.
Well, if you don't,
she's gonna keep calling,
and then I'm gonna have
to deal with her,
and I don't wanna deal with her.
[Jonathan sighs]
All right, I'll go have a look.
It's not like I don't have
a million other things
to do today.
Good, I'll call her back
and let her know.
You know, Jethro's probably
hiding from her.
I know I would be
if I was married to her.
Uh, she's nuttier
than a squirrel turd.
Yes she is, and that's
why he drinks like a fish.
I'll be back in a bit.
Okay, be careful.
Always.
[telephone ringing]
[Marla] I'm coming,
Patty, I'm coming. [sighs]
[unsettling foreboding music]
Scurry off, you devil,
foul taker of souls.
I just like heavy
metal music, man.
Everybody likes
heavy metal music.
Jesus likes heavy metal music.
Jesus likes Ozzy Osbourne.
Jesus likes Ronnie James Dio.
Ronnie James Dio
was not a holy diver.
He rolled around
in Satan's feces.
I don't know,
I don't think that's right, man.
He did, brother.
He was besmirched.
Oh, I can't go
with you on that, man.
That's just nutty.
Behold, brothers and sisters,
our most righteous Lord.
That pile driver
of Satan's spawn.
-[man 1] Lies.
-We shall cast you out.
-Sad.
-Lord, I implore you
to cast out the rock and roll-a
from his soul-a.
Nah, man,
that's not gonna happen.
Ronnie James Dio forever, man.
-This is not a reality, man.
-[growls]
[man 2] Oh.
-[flesh squelching]
-[menacing music]
[both yell]
[Riley] God, dear Lord.
Is that a head?
[all shriek]
[man 3] Fuck!
Fuck this shit.
[tense ominous music]
[screams]
[yells]
Jesus, I'm sorry!
-[both shrieks]
-[man 3 yells] Jesus Christ!
[yells] Jesus Christ, Jesus!
[all shriek]
-Why have you forsaken me, Lord?
-[both scream]
[indistinct clamor]
She's my sweet little lamb!
Fear not, my flock.
For our brother
shall protect you.
-[groans]
-[lively tense music]
Or maybe just guide
you to paradise.
Ronnie James Dio forever.
Oh, Brother Fred,
it's Armageddon.
A furry monkey devil
is killing all our flock.
-[sighs]
-What are we gonna do?
Brother Riley, it's a miracle
you're still alive.
Why don't you take
some of that miracle.
-Okay, brother.
-Go spread it
to your brothers and sisters.
-[raccoon growls]
-[yells]
My God, the horror.
-[woman screaming]
-Oh, sister.
Oh, please,
save my baby, please.
Never even
finished patty cake.
-[raccoon snarling]
-It's the devil monkey!
[Riley yells]
[raccoon growls]
He was such a good boy.
Oh.
Oh, well.
[unsettling music]
-[foliage rustling]
-[raccoon warbling]
Hello?
Somebody there?
-[foliage rustling]
-Carlos, is that you?
You're not gonna scare me,
so you can knock it off.
Oh!
-[both grunt]
-[foreboding music]
What's wrong with you?
Watch where you're going.
Sorry. I'm so, so sorry.
Oh, my God, come on,
we have gotta go.
That thing is coming.
What are you talking about,
what's coming?
[pants] Goddammit, again?
The raccoon.
The raccoon?
This is some sort
of joke, right?
No.
No, it's all cracked out
on drugs
and it's out of its mind.
I... I swear to God.
Oh, my God, it killed Denny.
[cries]
This is some sort of
YouTube video, right?
I mean, you need
to work on your material.
A killer raccoon?
Be serious.
Listen to me, you stupid bitch!
I don't give a shit
if you believe me or not, okay?
I am getting the fuck outta here
before that thing comes back
and gets me again.
Now are you coming or not?
All right,
this is a little much.
You don't have to be
all nasty about it.
Shit, oh, shit,
I told you, come on!
-What are you doing?
-We gotta go!
-Get off of me.
-[groans]
Fuck.
You know what, you little twat?
You can just stay here
and get that pussy
shredded the fuck-up,
but not mine, honey, mm-mm.
What a weirdo.
[foreboding music]
[man farts]
[screaming]
[music fades]
[caller, on phone] I have seen
an evil gnome lurking the aisles
of Bo's Hardware.
-You saw what?
-[caller] An evil gnome
-coming to get me.
-No, ma'am. No, you didn't.
No, he's not a gnome,
his name is Nicholas.
And he's not coming to get you.
He's a dwarf.
[caller] Jonathan needs
to get down here right away.
No, no, fine, I will tell him
when he gets back.
Yes, yes, I'll make
that report, sure.
[caller] I'm in grave danger.
[mumbles, sighs]
[phone ringing]
[Mr. Roberts] Big Foot planted
his seed in my sweet Suzie.
How many times do I have
to tell you, Mr. Roberts?
Bigfoot is not real.
And he did not
impregnate your daughter.
That was Joey from the diner.
-[Mr. Roberts] The cook?
-Yeah.
[Allen] Oh, yeah, this is it.
[breathes heavily]
What do you think?
-[Sheila] Whatever.
-[Allen] Yeah.
This is a nice place
to set up camp.
If you say so.
I really don't care one way
or the other, Allen.
What the hell is your problem?
I have no idea
what you're talking about.
Bullshit, you've
been acting like this
ever since we got here.
I don't know, Allen, maybe
it's because I wanted to go
to Florida, or somewhere nice
for our vacation.
And instead, you dragged us
out to the middle of nowhere.
Look, we talked about this.
-We couldn't afford to--
-I know, I know.
We couldn't afford
a nice Florida vacation,
or anywhere nice,
so you brought us here instead.
[scoffs] You know business
has been slow lately.
Hmm, well,
maybe if you got a real job,
we'd have a little more money.
How many times
do I have to tell you?
A hotdog vendor is a real job.
When you're ten.
Hmm, maybe I should just
leave you for the paperboy.
He probably makes more money.
At least I have a job!
What do you do all day?
Sit around
on your ass watching TV?
Too bad we don't
get paid for that
'cause we'd be fucking
billionaires if we did.
You're an asshole.
[sighs] Look,
I don't wanna fight, okay?
We're on vacation.
Let's just try
to have a good time.
This is hardly a vacation.
[sighs] I mean,
it's not that bad.
We could go hiking
or fishing or--
I hate hiking and fishing.
[sighs sharply]
Well, what about birdwatching?
I think I saw a tufted titmouse
over there earlier.
Oh, that's great,
'cause that's the only tit
you're gonna see this weekend.
[Allen sighing]
How 'bout lunch, huh?
Would that make you happy?
Sure, what are you gonna make?
[Allen] I was thinking
we have some hot dogs.
They're nice over
an open campfire.
Yeah, might as well do
something with those hot dogs,
'cause you sure
as hell can't sell 'em.
Screw it.
-Where are you going?
-To get firewood.
I'll be back.
Take your time, Allen!
Maybe he'll fall
into a sinkhole or something.
[leaves crunching]
Fucking bitch.
Maybe she'll get eaten by a bear
or something this weekend.
-[foliage rustling]
-[raccoon warbling]
What's that?
Hey, little guy.
What are you?
A bunny?
Come here.
I don't bite.
-[raccoon growls]
-[foreboding music]
[screams]
[screams]
[woman snoring]
[unsettling music]
Oh, Willow.
Oh, baby wants a pet.
Oh, my sweet kitty.
[raccoon warbles]
Oh, you smelly kitty,
you need a bath.
[yells]
[ominous music]
-[raccoon warbles]
-[screams]
[crow cawing]
[foreboding music]
Hey, Marla, it's Jonathan.
I need you to give
the sheriff a call.
We got two dead bodies
up here on the mountain.
I don't know.
Could be a bizarre
hunting accident.
And when you get done,
yeah, I need you to give
old Patty Emmons a call back.
Let her know her boy Jethro
won't be coming home for dinner.
Oh, I probably should
call Charlotte.
[lulling music]
Hey, honey, something came up.
I'm gonna be late tonight.
I need you to go ahead
and put my dinner in the fridge.
I'll heat it up
when I get home, love you.
[phone vibrates, dings]
[foreboding music]
[Jonathan, over voicemail]
Hey, honey, something came up.
I'm gonna be late tonight.
I need you to go ahead
and put my dinner in the fridge.
I'll heat it up
when I get home, love you.
[mellow music]
Hey, babe, it's me.
Listen, the asshole's gonna
be late getting home tonight.
So why don't you come over
in about an hour?
Once you get here, you can cum
as many times as you want.
I'm super horny
and I cannot wait to see you.
See you soon.
[mellow music continues]
[squeals]
Oh, my God.
Ooh, yes!
Oh, thank you, God, thank you.
Oh, I just wanna say
I am so sorry for all the shit
I've done over the years.
Well, half of the shit anyways.
Oh, fuck it,
I might even consider going
to church on Sunday
just to show you my thanks.
[vocalizes] Ah
Uh-uh, don't expect it
to be a regular thing.
You know, us walking
into a church. [chuckles] Poof.
Fire hazard.
Wait a minute.
Wait, no, come to think of it,
I actually got
myself out of this.
You didn't do shit.
I was out there all day
running a marathon
from that trash can panda.
Where were you?
Up there on cloud nine
and eating your holy popcorn,
watching the fucking show.
Lord and savior, my ass.
[scoffs]
[laughs] Yes.
-[raccoon warbling]
-Ooh, shit!
[warbles]
[gasps] Ooh.
[lively tense music]
Hey, friend.
God, are you still there?
-[raccoon growls]
-[Frankie shrieks]
[foreboding music]
No, no, no, no, not another one.
Hey, Marla,
I hate to do this to you,
but I need you
to call the sheriff back.
There's another dead body.
Now this one looks like it could
be a wild animal attack.
No, no, this one's
further down the mountain.
I don't know.
Maybe a bear or a mountain lion.
I'm not sure.
Let me look around
and I'll call you right back.
[tense music]
Oh, good heavens.
[menacing music]
A coon?
It can't be.
Yeah, Marla, it's me.
We've got a fourth
dead body out here.
Yeah, I think we're dealing
with a rabid coon.
What? No, an actual raccoon.
Marla, do I need to send you
to sensitivity training again?
[man, on phone] A nasty raccoon
is violently humping Ellie Mae.
Send help quick!
Hold on, girl, helps a-coming.
[lively rock music]
[Natasha moans] Oh, right there.
-[Carlos] Oh, yeah?
-[Natasha] Oh, right there.
-[Carlos] Yeah?
-[Natasha] Little bit.
-[Carlos] Yeah.
-[Natasha] Yeah. Oh, my God.
-Oh, yeah.
-Oh, my God,
I'm so close, I'm gonna cum.
Oh, oh, I know, babe.
Right there. [moans]
-Yeah. [moans]
-Oh, yeah.
-Oh! Oh, my God, I'm so close.
-[snarls]
-Oh, my God, oh, my God, yes.
-Take that Centaur cock!
Sexy Centaur's got you there.
Yeah.
-Oh, yeah.
-[moans] Yeah.
Three, two, one, time to pee!
-What?
-[Carlos groans]
What are you doing?
I was so close!
-Oh. [sighs]
-Seriously?
Yeah, sorry, I gotta
race like a piss horse.
The one I wanna lose
has got spit.
-You couldn't hold it?
-No.
Ugh, listen,
gimme one minute,
I'll be back and we'll, uh,
-finish up.
-Okay, well, hurry up.
And will you open the window?
It's hotter
than the third circle
of hell in here.
[Carlos] Yes, your majesty.
[sighs]
Thank God he's pretty, ugh.
-[foreboding music]
-[raccoon warbling]
[snarls]
[foreboding music continues]
-[raccoon warbling]
-[Natasha giggles] Hey.
That was fast.
[raccoon warbles]
Oh, Carlos! [chuckles]
I thought you didn't do that.
[moans] Oh, my God, yes, Carlos.
-Oh, fuck, don't stop.
-I almost didn't make it there.
What you doing,
playing with yourself?
[growls]
[screams]
[foreboding music continues]
My boy's slamming it in there.
You hear her screaming?
Why don't you make
me scream like that?
[ominous music]
-[screams]
-[screams]
[screams]
[screams]
-[raccoon growls]
-[screams]
-[raccoon shrieks]
-[screams]
Carlos, Carlos, what the fuck?
Carlos, help me.
[screams]
-[growls]
-[unsettling music]
You're kidding, right?
You don't remember
that night at that hotel
-before Pop Pop's funeral?
-[Carlos yelling]
I made you scream
that night, didn't I?
Yeah, you did, but that's
because you were drunk
and you put it in my asshole.
You idiot.
Don't you remember me walking
funny for like three days?
And I had to sit
on a bag of frozen peas.
[Aiden] I do remember that.
-[shrieks]
-[yells]
[raccoon warbling]
Jeepers.
Creepers.
He ate my peepers.
[foreboding music]
[music fades]
You know, why don't you
make me scream like that?
Maybe I'll shove something
up your ass next time.
What... what, I...
I didn't hear you.
Nothing.
Do you need another beer?
-I do actually.
-Okay.
[Aiden] Thank you.
-Love you.
-[Denise] Love you too.
Hmm. I knew I should've
fucked her at Barktow's party.
-Hey.
-Whatever they're doing
in there sounds crazy
and really painful.
I think it sounds kick-ass.
Well, of course you do.
Guess I'm the prude
in this relationship, mm?
Kinda, but it's okay.
You're getting there.
One day we're gonna be doing
everything they're doing
and you're gonna love it. Boop.
Okay, on that note,
I'm gonna go get wet
in the shower.
-Okay, I'll join you.
-Ah, no thanks, stud.
I'm gonna take this one alone.
Yeah, it's probably
for the best.
[clears throat]
I feel a shit brewing right now,
and I think it's
turtle-necking a little bit.
Yeah, nice.
Go handle that
in the other restroom, please.
Why? Why would I do that?
Do I really have
to explain this to you?
Jesus, you really think
I wanna smell your shitty shits
while I'm trying to take
a nice, relaxing shower?
I would love for you
to smell my shitty shits,
but okay, fine.
I don't understand
why you would not
want to smell everything
that has been rotting
inside me throughout the day.
'Cause it doesn't smell
like roses, sweetheart.
It might this time.
I'll talk to you later.
But I still love you.
Even though
you don't wanna smell my shit.
[Denise] Nobody wants
to smell your shit.
I swear she's on her period.
[Denise] I heard that.
You're not wrong.
Yep, I know.
[farts]
[man, on phone] A rabid raccoon
on crack is killing people
-on the mountain.
-A raccoon?
On crack, yeah, that's rich.
You expect me
to believe that one?
I suppose next you're gonna
tell me it was Mothman?
[man] No, I says...
I says to you,
the Mothman attack
was last week.
Okay, yeah,
I'll take that report.
All day with these people,
all day.
I do not get paid enough
for this, ugh.
[sighs, groans]
[farts]
Twins.
Oh... oh, triplets, ooh.
[chuckles]
[sniffs] Oh, shit,
I guess it doesn't
smell that good. [groans]
[deep sniffs] Mm. Oh.
Shit.
Oh, God.
Nobody loves me.
I'm Italian, so they tell me
to go fusilli myself.
[Aiden laughs] Dude,
I love ethnic people too. Same.
Well, listen to this.
They're too busy stroking off
their beef anyway.
[laughs] Yeah, I cannot wait
to show Carlos this.
I'm about to send this
to him right now.
[comedian] You know,
I gotta admit that special sauce
-is delicious.
-[chuckles] Oh, that was bold.
[comedian] But I can never
get those sticky stains
off my shirt.
Dude is definitely gonna get
canceled for that. [chuckles]
But I'll still watch him.
I'll watch the, uh, reruns.
Oh, fuck, speaking of runs.
[comedian] Hey, thanks a lot.
You're a great crowd.
-[crowd laughing]
-Ooh!
[foreboding music]
Fuck.
Denise, get the toilet paper.
Sorry.
You don't have to smell my shit.
I sprayed something.
Denise?
Fuck.
Carlos, Tasha.
[knocking]
[Aiden] I need toilet paper.
[foreboding music continues]
[Aiden] Anybody?
Dammit.
[Aiden groaning]
[raccoon warbles]
-[raccoon snarling]
-[ominous music]
[Aiden yells]
[screams] Fuck!
-Fuck!
-[raccoon snarls]
[water gurgles]
[raccoon growls]
[coughs]
[coughs]
[raccoon warbles]
Aiden!
Can you bring me a towel?
Aiden, I need a towel,
I got soap in my eye!
Aiden, what are you doing?
I need a goddamn towel.
[lively tense music]
Aiden?
Are you in here?
[raccoon warbles]
-[raccoon thuds]
-[grunts]
What the hell?
[raccoon warbling]
-[Denise screams]
-[raccoon growls]
-[squelches]
-[Denise screams]
[raccoon growls]
[foreboding music]
[crow cawing]
Oh, shit.
Hey, hey, you okay?
Hello?
My God, he's dead.
-[both shriek]
-[tense music]
-Stop poking me.
-Fuck.
I'm not the Pillsbury Doughboy.
[Finn] Oh, my God,
what the fuck?
Shh, what is wrong with you?
Holy shit, you're alive.
Yeah.
What does it look like,
Stevie Wonder?
I am sitting here
talking to you, aren't I?
What the hell happened to you?
Did you fall into a wood chipper
or something?
Yes, I fell
into a fucking wood chipper.
How did you guess?
Dumb ass.
Well, then what
actually happened to you?
What does it look like?
That cracked-out raccoon
got a hold of me.
We have been through this.
This drugged-out
raccoon shit again?
I'm fucking serious, okay?
Look, that thing nearly
ripped me to pieces.
Just like it did Denny.
Right, so where is this
killer raccoon?
I don't know.
I'm sure it's still running
around here somewhere.
Drinking someone's blood.
Look, we have got
to call someone for help
before it comes looking for us.
Okay, who do you wanna call?
Well, the cops,
animal control, Ghostbusters?
You ask a lot of questions.
Just gimme your phone.
I left mine in the car.
I don't have one.
What do you mean
you don't have a phone?
Where is it, inside?
No, I mean,
I don't have a cell phone.
Never had one and I never will.
Ew, why the hell not?
Because I don't want one?
[Frankie] Girl, what the fuck
is wrong with you?
Nothing,
I just never wanted one.
Okay, and what if you
have like an emergency
or something, then what?
I never had one.
Ugh, okay,
Little House on the Prairie.
You're about to have one now.
Is there at least
a... a landline in that shack?
I think so.
All right, well let's go use it
and call for help
before we're both raccoon chow.
And trust me,
he is gonna find you first.
He can smell your pheromones.
Ooh.
-Oh.
-Oh, hey, hey, hey, hey,
come here, I'll help you.
You always catch me on my ass.
Thanks, I'm Frankie by the way.
I'm Finn.
Finn?
Isn't that a guy's name?
Funny, thought Frankie
was a guy's name too.
Girl, don't be so... oh, okay.
I got you.
You know what,
Huckleberry, touch.
Ooh.
[Jonathan]
Everything okay, folks?
Define okay.
[Jonathan] Damn,
what happened to you, fella?
It looks like you've been
through an industrial shredder.
Well, I feel like it too.
Really, what happened?
Goddammit, again?
I should really write
a book about this.
Yeah.
I was attacked by a raccoon.
Oh, I was afraid of that.
Look, we need
to get him to a hospital.
There are four dead bodies
in the woods nearby.
It looked like they were victims
of a wild animal attack.
In fact, I was coming
here to warn you
to keep an eye out for it.
Aw, well thanks, Dick Tracy,
but you're a little late.
[Jonathan] Excuse me?
Look, that fucking raccoon,
he killed my boyfriend.
And then he used me
as his personal chew toy.
I hate being sloppy seconds.
It killed your boyfriend?
Yeah, do you have a problem
with that, Officer Dewey?
[Jonathan] Of course not.
It's just we have
a hyperaggressive coon
on our hands.
It might be rabid.
We better clear the area.
Is there anyone else
in the house?
My friends.
Need you to go round them up.
Tell 'em we gotta get
outta here pronto.
It's not safe.
-Okay, we'll get them.
-Oh, ooh.
Ah.
Isn't this the damnedest thing?
Yeah, well, it isn't exactly
a normal raccoon.
[Jonathan] What do you mean?
Well, it got into some
pretty powerful crack.
Crack?
Yeah, you know.
[clicks tongue]
Ice, Chingy, base,
-jelly beans.
-[Finn screaming]
[Frankie] Hamburger Helper.
[Jonathan] How do you know
it got into crack?
Oh, well, I mean, I--
[Finn sobs, pants] They're dead,
they're all dead!
-Ma'am, what happened?
-It got them.
It got all of them.
What got them, who?
The raccoon got them.
-Is it still in there?
-I don't know.
[sighs] Okay, I am calling it.
Let's just let that be
one of life's mysteries.
If you haven't noticed yet,
I really need a doctor here.
It's getting infected.
Okay, I'll drive
you to the hospital.
We just need to make one stop
so I can check on my wife.
-Fine.
-Come on.
Just we gotta hurry
before that thing comes back.
Ow.
[mellow music]
-[car door shuts]
-[foreboding music]
[raccoon warbling]
[Liam] Come on out, babe.
Your doctor of love has arrived.
And I'm ready to take
your temperature...
rectally.
[foreboding music intensifying]
[Liam screaming]
[ominous music]
Liam?
Is that you?
[foreboding music]
-[warbles]
-[Liam's corpse farts]
Liam?
Did you bring those chili dogs?
I smell something.
[music fades]
[lulling music]
Mm.
[moans] Smells just like roses.
[moans]
You're looking hot there, babe.
Liam's gonna lose his shit.
[chuckles]
Girl, you are a knockout.
[chuckles]
You missed your calling.
You should have been a model.
Mm.
[raccoon warbling]
Liam?
[foreboding music]
Babe, is that you?
Liam, I got a brand-new,
sexy little number just for--
[gasps]
-[raccoon warbling]
-[Charlotte gasps]
[raccoon snarling]
[exclaims]
-[Charlotte screams]
-[ominous music]
Oh, my God, get off of me!
Oh, you little piece of shit!
-[screams]
-[raccoon warbles]
Look what you did to my tits!
They were perfect
and you ruined them.
[yelps]
[raccoon warbling]
[foreboding music]
[Jonathan] All right, folks,
we're here,
I'll just be a minute.
Really, Charlotte, again?
You've got to be kidding me.
[Finn] What? What's wrong now?
[Jonathan] Oh, nothing
for you to worry about.
I'll be right back.
[Frankie] Okay,
you just take your time.
I'll stay here
and bleed to death.
No hurries.
Wonder what that was all about.
[menacing music]
Oh, my.
Charlotte.
I am no expert,
but if I had to guess,
I would say somebody's
dipping their chocolate
into her peanut butter, honey.
What do you mean? Oh.
I get it.
Ooh, that makes me
really want a Reese's.
You think they have one
on the way?
Frankie, focus, we need
to get you to a hospital.
[groans] Fine.
[Jonathan] Oh, God.
Charlotte, no, no,
I should have been here.
Oh. [sobs]
What do you think's
going on in there?
I don't know,
but it probably ain't pretty.
-I'm going to check on them.
-Uh-uh, hold on, Huckleberry.
Take it from me, you do
not wanna get involved
with shit like that.
Just leave it alone, girl.
I just wanna make
sure everything's okay.
Here, this should help you.
What?
How come nobody ever listens
to Frankie?
Bitches.
[raccoon warbles]
[foreboding music]
[gasps]
-Hey.
-That was a gunshot.
Get your ass back in here,
Huckleberry.
-[Finn screams]
-[raccoon growls]
-Get off of me!
-[Frankie yells]
Help!
[Finn screams]
Don't shoot, you moron,
you're gonna hit her.
Don't shoot--
[Frankie shrieks]
[screams]
That bastard killed my wife
and now it's gonna pay.
Are you okay? Come on.
I think so.
Thank God he is one lousy shot.
That could've been
a lot worse, honey.
What the hell is wrong
with you, man?
You almost blew her brains out.
I didn't, did I?
I am gonna kill that damn thing.
There's more guns in the house.
And so?
So why don't you make yourself
useful and go grab one
-so you can help me out.
-[Frankie] Huh?
[gasps]
Make myself useful?
What a dick.
Whoa, whoa, whoa.
And where are you going,
Huckleberry?
We have to help him.
No, we don't.
Let's just let him deal
with it on his own.
We need to get outta here.
That thing killed
all my friends.
It's payback time.
Okay, listen, Sarah Connor,
just at least go grab
one of his guns first.
-No.
-Excuse me?
What do you mean, no?
I don't like guns.
Uh, of course you don't.
I should have known
you were one of those
anti-gun people. [scoffs]
Well, I've got good reason
to be anti-gun.
Well, why?
Because...
my dad was an abusive alcoholic,
and one night he was
attacking my mom.
So I took his gun and shot him.
Oh!
Jesus, Huckleberry.
I'm so sorry.
I had to, he was gonna kill her.
It's okay, come here.
I totally understand.
My dad was an asshole too.
-[gunshots firing]
-[crows cawing]
Oh, there he goes.
Come on, let's go help him
before he blows his dick off,
or something.
Come out, come out
wherever you are,
you little shit!
[tense music]
Ooh. Ha-ha, just in case.
Oh, wait, Huckleberry,
this one's defective.
That's a guard, Frankie.
I knew that.
-[ominous music]
-[growls]
-[growls]
-Hang on, Johnny, we're coming!
-[yelps]
-Frankie!
[Frankie yelling]
Get off me, you little fucker.
-[growls]
-[Frankie grunts]
[tense music intensifying]
Well, if I didn't have rabies,
I definitely do now. [pants]
[somber dramatic music]
Holy shit,
Huckleberry, nice shot.
You okay?
Well, I'll live.
Thanks to you, of course.
Where the hell did you learn
to shoot like that?
[Finn] Guess I'm just a natural.
And thank God for that.
Can you do me a favor?
What's that, Frankie?
Can you please take us
to the hospital?
Look at us, Carrie.
[pants, sobs]
Come on, let's go.
[Frankie] Red on blue
is not a good look.
One hell of a shot.
[cheerful music]
-[raccoon warbling]
-[menacing music]
["Crackcoon Kills" playing]
Outcasts of society
Trash panda
thrashin' all day
We only have ourselves
to blame
Raccoons on crack
cannot be tamed
So fuck the shrink
and fuck your pills
Fuck sanity, fuck Dr. Phil
He ain't scared
of no fucking bear
Crackoon kills
Crackoon kills
He'll fuck your life
and fuck your face
Fuck the world,
yeah, fuck this place
He likes the taste
of this human race
Crackcoon kills
Crackcoon kills
Exterminate the ruling class
Apex predator
will eat your ass
This is the end
of all mankind
Look how the crack
destroyed his mind
So fuck the job
and fuck your bills
Fuck survival,
fuck their thrills
A killer won't stop
when he's on the rock
Crackcoon kills!
Crackcoon kills!
Fuck gasoline,
fuck student loans
Fuck politics,
fuck the ozone
Fuck the folk
'cause we're on our own
Crackcoon kills!
Crackcoon kills!
Crackcoon
Crackcoon! Crackcoon!
Crackcoon!
Crackcoon! Crackcoon!
Crackcoon!
Crackcoon!
Don't want
the shakes tonight
Crackcoon
will take your life
He's jonesing
for another high
A day of infamy
goes down in history
A ball of chemistry
So fuck the shrink
and fuck your pills
Fuck sanity, fuck Dr. Phil
He ain't scared
of no fucking bear
Crackcoon kills!
Crackcoon kills!
He'll fuck your life
and fuck your face
Fuck your world,
yeah, fuck this place
He likes the taste
of this human race
Crackcoon kills!
Crackcoon kills!
Crackcoon! Crackcoon!
Crackcoon!
Crackcoon! Crackcoon!
Crackcoon!
Crackcoon! Crackcoon!
Crackcoon!
-[song concludes]
-[lively tense music]
-[raccoon warbling]
-[music concludes]