Craig Ferguson: Does This Need to Be Said? (2011) Movie Script

It's a great day for america,
I'm always
delighted to be in nashville.
I'm always happy
to be in the south.
I feel this great affinity
with people in the south,
Because i share your pain.
I know what it's like
To have everyone in the world
Think they can do your accent
better than you can do.
And then they want to do
your accent to you
To help you!
"You from the south?
Hickity dickity dickity."
Listen, i'm gonna try
something tonight.
Because we're doing the special
and the cameras are here,
And because i'm in the south
And i feel a little more
comfortable here,
I wanna try something
i don't normally do.
Um, i'm gonna try
and tell you a joke.
I know what you're thinkin'.
"Oh, craig, come on.
"Not a joke!
"Not from you, craig!
"There's professional
"For that kind of thing.
"Not a joke from you, craig.
"From you, we want tales
of the old country, craig.
"Tell us about the time you
lived in the swamp with shrek.
"Tell us about that!
What was that like, craig?"
Oh, we found
a blue-Haired donkey, all right!
That's right!
No, i wanna tell you
this joke.
It's important for me,
Because it's a dirty joke.
No, it's a dirty joke,
And i can't tell it
on my tv show,
'Cause it's such
a dirty joke.
And there's cuss words
in it too.
Oh, yeah.
I...listen, i will
be cussing tonight.
And just so's you know...
no, i will.
I will.
Don't fuckin' "ohh" me."
I'll be cussin'.
Now, don't wave your finger
at me.
You knew when you got here
there'd be cussin'.
If you thought you were
comin' here tonight,
And every time i cussed,
a little flag was goin' up here,
And someone's going,
"tootsy fruitsy," or somethin'.
"Ooh la la."
I swear it's gonna be a long
fuckin' night for you
If you thought
i was gonna do that.
I can't cuss on tv,
and it bothers me.
No, it does.
It does.
It does bother me.
'Cause when i was
a young man,
I was in punk rock groups
and everything.
And i was like,
"fuck you, man!
"Fuck you! You'll never
get me wearing a suit
And sittin' behind a desk!"
And now, every night...
Wearin' a suit,
sittin' behind a desk.
Can't even say "fuck."
"Ah, your movie sounds great,
ya fuckin' asshole."
No, i don't wanna give you
the wrong impression, all right?
I wasn't just in punk rock
bands, by the way.
I was also
in a heavy metal band once. heavy metal band.
- Whoo!
- Oh, yeah.
Ah, you know,
if you'd have heard us,
You wouldn't be
making that noise.
You'd be like, "aah!"
And running out.
We were ter...we were the worst
heavy meal band.
We were terrible.
I was 15 years old
When i was in this band.
We were called stag.
We used to wear spandex pants
and no underwear.
Yeah, we looked like
marble smugglers.
We were terrible!
15-Year-Old heavy metal band.
And you know your heavy metal
band's gonna suck
When you've got
a clarinet player.
get your motor runnin'
But we had to have
the clarinet player,
'Cause his dad had a car,
And he was willing
to drive us around,
So we had to have
the fuckin' clarinet player.
But the clarinet player
was an artist,
And he said,
"i'll do the bass drum skin.
It'll be fuckin' awesome."
We were like, "really?"
He went, "yeah.
"It'll be a picture
of a stag.
"But get this, a stag
with its antlers
On fire."
We were like,
"Fuck, yeah!"
- Yeah!
- Yeah!
But no, see,
It didn't work out
like that,
'Cause he wasn't
that talented, this kid.
So it didn't look like a stag
with his antlers on fire.
It looked a badger
with red hair.
I was the clarinet player.
Yeah, that's right.
But no more!
Now i sit on tv
and i can't say "fuck."
It bothers me, you know?
It bothers me
that i can't cuss on tv.
'Cause i'm a very cussy man.
I am a very cussy man.
Not an angry cusser.
I'm not one of them "fuck you"
cussers, like that.
Like a, "fuck you!
Fuck! Fuck!" Like that.
Like, "fuck!"
I don't have to do that.
I just like doing that.
But i'm not one of them, "fuck!
Fuck! Fuck! Fuck!" Guys,
Like that,
like a dog.
That's what dogs are saying,
They are saying it.
Not in, uh,
Adorable dog language.
They're saying it in english.
"Fuck! Fuck!
"Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck!
"Fuck! Fuck! Fuck!
Fuck. Fuck!
Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck,
fuck, fuck!
Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck,
fuck, fuck, fuck!
Dogs are saying "fuck."
Cats don't say "fuck,"
but they're thinking it.
They're thinkin', "fuck you."
No, i like to cuss.
I'm not an angry cusser.
I'm not a "fuck you" guy.
I'm not...i'm more
kind of like,
"Shut the fuck up."
Like that.
Like friendly cussin', like,
"No fuckin' way!"
Shit, fuck, no!"
Like, that helps me be
more adorable to people.
I know, i've heard all
the arguments against cussing.
You know,
"oh, craig, come on.
Cussing just shows a lack
of vocabulary."
And i think,
"oh, shut the fuck up!"
No, it does not.
Some of the greatest
minds in history love to cuss.
Shakespeare cussed
all the time.
But he did it in that fancy
ren fair language,
So nobody knew
he was cussing.
And like,
"to be or not to be?
Fuck if i know."
I'm paraphrasing,
but that's what he meant.
What i'm saying is,
i like to cuss.
It helps me be
friendly to people.
It emphasizes
my friendliness.
Like if you see...if you see
a friend of yours, right,
And they've got new pants on,
and you go,
"Oh, those are nice,
new pants."
They'll go,
"oh, thanks very much."
But if you go, "whoa!
Great fucking pants!"
They're like, "i know!
Aren't they?
"Man! I saw them
in the store!
I was just like, 'fuck'!"
I understand
you gotta be appropriate.
You can't walk up to the pope
and say,
"Great fuckin' pants,
your holiness."
You couldn't do that.
Well, that doesn't
work anyway,
'Cause, well, the pope
doesn't wear pants.
He wears that big dress.
He wears these...
he's got a big ol' dress.
And the...and the hat.
Actually, two hats.
He's got the big hat
and then the little hat
For windy days.
"Hey, what's
the weather like today?"
"It's a little bit
windy, pope."
"Okay, i'll wear
the little hat."
I'll get to this joke
in a minute,
But you see, the...
Do you know the pope...
this is true.
I will get to the joke.
But you know the pope actually
has special slippers
Designed for him by the italian
fashion designer prada.
This is true...they make 'em
just for the pope.
It's not like you can
go and buy a line of them.
You can't go
to the gap and go,
"Give me some pope slippers."
It's just for the pope.
And they've got, you know,
special designs
And a little crest
and writing on them and stuff
That says p.O. On one
and p.E. On the other.
"Ah, read-A my slippers here.
I'm-A the pope."
"And-A my name is-A pepo."
i'm-A pepo,
i'm-A the pope
i'm pepo, i'm-A the pope
All right, you're right,
you're right.
You're right.
That's too much.
Lay off.
You can go too far, craig.
You're right.
Anyway the pope...the pope
doesn't talk like that.
He's not even italian
anymore, the pope.
He's german.
So he doesn't...
he wouldn't talk like that.
He would...he would be
more kind of,
"As you are no doubt aware,
I am the pope."
"Observe my slippers."
"My name is pepo."
"I realize this is an unusual
name for a german,
"My family was in the circus.
So shut up, all right?"
All right.
You're right.
I won't do the pope.
That's ridiculous.
What i'm saying is,
i'm not allowed to cuss.
I can't cuss, you know,
on tv,
And i'm not allowed to cuss
at home, either.
I can't cuss at home.
'Cause i've got
a 91/2-Year-Old son.
And for some reason
not connected to his dna,
He seems to be an attack dog
for the fuckin' fcc!
He does! He follows me around
with that little jar of his.
"You said the f-Word, daddy.
Nickel in the jar."
I'm like, "fuck you!"
He's like, "nickel in the jar."
"Fuck you!"
"Nickel in the jar."
Like, "who in the fuck
are you?"
"Nickel in the jar, daddy!"
I just pay him in advance now.
I'm like,
"son, there's 20 bucks.
I gotta call your mother."
Do you know what my son
said to me?
He said, you know, he asked me
what the f-Word means.
I said,
"it's a naughty word, son."
He's like, "no shit, dad,
i'm gettin' rich."
There's a nickel.
I can afford it.
No, he said to me,
"what does the f-Word mean?"
I said, "it's a very
naughty word, son.
"It's very, very naughty.
It's's a naughty word
for sex."
He's like,
"you know about sex, dad?"
I was like, "yeah,
i remember it vaguely.
Why do you ask?"
I said, "do you
know about sex?"
He said, "yeah."
I said, "ooh, wait there.
"This will be adorable.
I'll get the video camera.
I'll ask him about sex.
This'll be great."
'Cause he's 91/2.
What's he gonna say about sex?
"Santa, angels, moonbeams."
It'll be adorable.
He'll be like that bill cosby,
Kids are funny little
That thing.
I'm paraphrasing,
but that's what he means.
Anyway, so, you know,
i thought,
"I'll film him, you know.
"He'll tell me about sex.
"Then i'll wait till
he's about 14,
"And then i'll say,
'hey, remember that money
"'In the swear jar?
"'I'll take it back now,
or this shit goes on youtube,
You little bastard.'"
You're welcome, parents.
So i set him up, and i said,
"do you know about sex, son?"
He said, "i know
all about sex, dad."
I went, "all right,
what do you know about sex?"
He said,
"i know all about sex.
"Penis, vagina, glory hole,
dirty sanchez,
Rusty trombone,
cleveland steamer."
I'm like, "what the fuck?
What the fuck?
What the fuck?"
"What the fuck?
"Cleveland steamer.
What is that?
Well, never mind!
Never mind!"
I never taught
my son about sex.
I never, i didn't!
I will never teach
my son about sex!
Just like my father
never taught me!
And his father
never taught him, and...
Actually, it's a fuckin' miracle
scottish people
Didn't die out
in the middle ages.
Scottish people don't talk
about sex!
We can't; it's too
embarrassing for us.
We can't talk about it.
If a...
If a scottish person wants
to talk about sex,
We just kind of giggle
and walk backwards
And point at our genitals.
It's true.
If you go to scotland
and you see someone
That looks like
they might be special
And they have to go
to the bathroom,
They don't...
they just find you attractive.
Nobody talks about sex
in scotland.
Scottish gynecologists
Don't even talk about sex.
It's just like,
"Uh, get up on the table
there, mrs. Henderson.
Lift up your skirt."
"We'll take a look
at your magic baby door."
Ah, nobody talks...
so i said to my son,
I said, "who...
who taught you about sex, son?
"This is awful.
W-Was it the creepy guy
in the school parking lot?"
I said...'cause my son
goes to the same school
As charlie sheen's kids.
So i thought it might
be that, you know.
Whoa! Hey, whoa!
Hey, what...
you "ooh" me for charlie sheen,
And you're okay
with the pope thing?
What the hell
happened to you?
"Aw, craig, come on.
"Charlie sheen!
"What did he ever do,
"Apart from hold a knife
to his wife's throat
On christmas eve?"
"Put the hooker
in the closet!"
Aw, poor charlie.
You're right.
I shouldn't go
after charlie.
He had to go to jail
on christmas eve.
Yeah, in fuckin' aspen!
The jail in aspen
has been on the cover
Of architectural digest!
So i said to my son,
"who taught you about sex, son?"
He said, "the teachers."
I said, "the teachers
at school?"
He went, "yeah."
I went, "fourth grade?"
He's like, "yeah."
I'm like,
"what the fuck?"
"See, that's a nickel."
I went, "fuck you!"
But i...i don't...
there was no se...
I never got taught about sex
when i was in the fourth grade.
I never actually had
the fourth grade.
I was in scotland.
I was working up a chimney.
Because there was
no sex education in scotland.
that's not true, actually.
When i was about 15 years old,
in science class one day,
I remember the...
I was sitting around with
the rest of the guys in stag...
And we were waiting for
the science teacher
To come in one morning.
His name was mr. Weir.
Nasty, bitter old
vicious alcoholic.
Don't know what the fuck
was going on
With the scottish education
board in the 1970s.
It was like,
"do you like whiskey?
Do you hate kids?
The job's yours."
Anyway, we...
We were sitting
in science class,
And we were waiting for
mr. Weir to come in,
And, you know,
and then he came in,
And we knew there was something
wrong when he came in,
'Cause he was like...
And he was...
this is true.
He was carrying
a little aquarium with him.
A little fish tank.
But there were
no fish in it.
It was water.
It was just a rock
With two toads on it.
And he said,
"Pay attention, everyone."
"This is mr. And mrs. Toad.
"They're married.
"They were married
in a church.
"By a protestant minister.
"And now, they...
eeh eeh.
"Now they want
to have a baby.
See how mr. Toad
is pushing his shame branch..."
"See how he's pushing
his shame branch
"Against mrs. Toad's
magic baby door?
Do you see that?"
That was my sex education
in school, and that was it.
Watchin' two toads
fuckin' in a fish tank!
That's it!
The miracle of new life.
That was all i ever knew!
For years,
i thought the only way
To get a girl
to go out with you
Was run up behind her,
grab her hair,
Spit in it,
and shout, "ribbit!"
It's stran...if i saw
a woman i was attracted to
Across a crowded room,
i'd be like...
You know the weirdest thing,
it fuckin' works!
It does!
You gotta go, pff!
They're like, "get lost,
you freak."
"Pff! Pff!"
"I like him."
That was it; that was my sex
education, the two toads.
So consequently, i'm very
old-Fashioned about sex.
I'm not like
the youngsters today
With their new ideas
about sex.
You know, photographing
your genitals
And texting them to each other
and all that shit.
What the hell is wrong
with you people?
"Ah, this'll be sexy.
No, i'm very old-Fashioned
about sex.
I'm a romantic...i don't need
all that emailing
And phones
and cameras and shit.
I'm a romantic.
I'm an old-Fashioned about sex.
I couple of hookers,
some blow, a midget.
I'm good, i don't...
That's how we used to do it!
That's how
we used to do it.
That's the old-Fashioned way.
When things were simpler.
I don't...i would never send
any of them sexy emails.
That's how you get caught.
I've never sent one.
I don't mind getting them
at craig@theinternet/google.Com.
But i...
I'd never send a sexy email.
That's how tiger woods
got caught.
He was sending all them
sexy emails from his phone,
And then his wife was
in the kitchen one day,
And she's like, "oh, i can't
find the kitchen phone.
"I'll just use tiger's phone.
Might as well...
" Aaah!
"Tiger! I'm gonna need
the nine-Iron for this.
Come here, you bastard!"
See, even tiger woods got caught
in that big sex scandal.
I was like you ladies.
I was outraged.
It's kind of good
if you're a guy, though.
'Cause it just
makes you look great.
"Ah, i'm sorry i forgot
to take out the garbage, honey.
"I was too busy
not having sex
"With 14 mistresses.
See, when tiger woods
got caught in the sex scandal,
And everybody said,
"oh, tiger woods.
"His career is ruined.
"He's ruined!
He'll never play golf again!
"He will never play golf again!
He'll be hopeless now."
And i'm thinking,
"are you sure?
Are you sure?
Are you thinking this through?"
I think, once this
blows over a bit,
He's gonna be better at golf.
Because, clearly,
he never practiced before.
He wasn't practicin'!
He's just fuckin' and winnin'!
Fuckin' and winnin'!
Fuckin' and winnin'!
"Hey, tiger, tiger.
You want to go
to the driving range?"
"Sorry, no time.
Just fucking and winning!"
And then when he did
come back to golf,
And everybody',
The whole country
watched his return to golf.
Tiger's return
after the scandal.
Everybody's watching.
And i'm thinking, "what the hell
do you expect to see here?"
It's professional golf.
He's just gonna golf.
What do you think?
He's gonna go nuts
and fuck the hole or something?
Like, "i've got
to make this putt.
I've got to get back in the...
ah, fuck it. Aah!"
The whole country.
We're all watching it.
Everyone watching his pants
as he walked up the fairway.
It moved. It moved.
Did you see it? It moved.
Seeing a big celebrity
gets caught in a sex scandal
Like that though, and i hear
about it in the morning,
I'm like, "oh, fuck yeah.
Easy day at work."
It's awesome.
Oh, yes.
It was, like,
the best one ever
Was when dick cheney
shot his lawyer in the face.
I was like, "oh, fuck yeah.
Oh, fantastic.
He shot his lawyer in the face?"
"Oh, beautiful."
"Did the lawyer die?"
"No, the lawyer lived!"
'Cause if the lawyer dies,
you have to wait a day.
Hey, hey, for a human,
it's three days.
Wait, wait. Wait.
Let's just stop for a second
And discuss what kind of fuckin'
reaction that was there.
"Oh, craig,
that's a terrible thing.
now that we think about it,
Now we agree with you.
Even lawyers are like,
"he's right. We're assholes."
I met dick cheney
when i was at the white house.
I was speaking at the white
house correspondence dinner,
And i met dick cheney there.
I was terrified.
He's like
a fuckin' bond villain.
He is!
He's like...
He does this with his hand.
There's nothing there.
He just does it.
He's stroking
an imaginary pussy.
If that's a crime,
lock me up.
I was actually terrified
when i met him,
'Cause i said some mean things
about him in the speech,
And then after i was like,
"oh, is that okay?"
He went, "oh, no, i loved it.
"I can take it.
I enjoyed myself.
"I...i enjoyed it very much.
Now you,
you enjoy your audit."
And you know what?
I got fuckin' audited.
I know.
Yeah, anyway,
that's my job now, apparently,
Pick on celebrities that get
caught with their pants down.
I never used
to give a shit about it,
But now i have to pay
attention to it, apparently.
The first time it happened...
When i got
the late night show,
The first one
i ever had to deal with
Was the kevin costner
sex scandal.
Remember that?
Yeah, nobody fuckin'
remembers that.
Which tells me two things...
One, kevin costner
has a great publicist,
And two, none of you fuckers
Was watching my show
in the first year.
It's all right.
"That's right.
I don't even fuckin'
watch it now."
Well, very briefly,
The first...the kevin costner
sex scandal,
it was golf related, again.
He was in scotland,
of all places.
Kevin costner went to scotland
to play golf at st. Andrews,
The royal and ancient
home of golf.
And apparently,
after his golf game,
Or allegedly,
for legal reasons,
He was getting a massage,
And he asked the masseuse
for a happy ending.
What we would now call
an al gore.
All right, all right.
Anyway, by the way,
when he did this,
You know, uh, he wasn't just
on any vacation in scotland.
He was on his honeymoon.
Oh, mm, yes.
Feel a little more comfortable
judging him now, don't you?
"Oh, thanks, craig, yes.
Now we can enjoy it
just a little more."
No, apparently...
i don't know if it's true,
But apparently
that's what he did.
He asked the masseuse
for a happy ending.
And i'm thinking,
"kevin, who the hell
"Goes to the royal and ancient
home of golf and thinks,
'I wonder if i can get my three-
Wood polished while i'm here'?"
And i'm thinking
the masseuse is scottish.
Are you out of your mind?
If i could get a scottish woman
to give me a hand job,
I would never
have fuckin' emigrated.
What the hell?
You're a bad girl,
aren't ya?
so apparently he did this.
I don't know
if he did it or not.
But i heard about it,
And, you know, i thought,
"Well, it's my job now
to make fun of this.
This is my job, i guess."
And so that night
i talked about it on the show.
I, uh, i didn't do much.
I punned on his movie titles
a little bit.
I think i said
lap dances with wolves,
Field of creams,
i think i did.
People will come, ray.
No, i...
I didn't do that.
I didn't do that!
I didn't. I didn't.
I fuckin'
should have done that,
But i didn't do that.
Anyway, that's what i did
that night on the show.
And then the next night
you move on to the next thing.
I'd forgotten all about it.
You move on. You get the robot
or the puppets,
Or whatever the hell
you're doing, and... know,
a couple of weeks after that,
I get invited
to a big hollywood party.
Now, i don't normally go
to big hollywood parties,
'Cause i'm not normally invited
to big hollywood parties,
But i got invited,
so i went.
And i got introduced
to kevin costner.
And i'd forgotten
all about this thing,
But he had fuckin' not.
I don't know
if you know this,
But kevin costner has a tv.
And occasionally
he can't sleep.
Oh, fuck, it was awful.
He got right in my face
about it.
He was like...
And i was like...
And he was like...
And i was like...
And he was like...
Anyway, i talked to him
for a while,
And he's not a bad guy,
kevin costner,
As it turned out.
I felt terrible.
I just felt awful.
I thought, "oh, i'm a dick.
"I'm a fuckin' dick.
And now kevin costner hates me.
So, no, i...i...really,
i felt awful about it,
And i thought,
you know, from now on,
I'm gonna try
and not offend celebrities
If i can avoid it,
but you can't fuckin' avoid it.
You can't.
I mean,
you can upset them...
Some of them
have very fragile egos.
I know.
It was news to me.
In fact,
that's the noise i made.
No, you can upset people
Without even knowing
you're doing it.
I got into terrible trouble
with the actress kate winslet,
And i didn't even know until we
tried to book her on the show.
And the bookers
called up her agent,
And her agent said, "kate will
never be on that show.
Not after what craig
said about her."
I was like, "i never said
anything about her.
I never said a...
oh, yeah, i did, yeah..."
Well, i wasn't really
talking about her.
I was talking about the movie
titanic, which she was in.
And i love that movie.
I love the movie titanic.
It's a great movie.
I particularly enjoy the work
of leonardo dicaprio.
I think he's a great actor.
Fat, thin, beard, no beard,
happy, sad.
He can do fuckin' everything.
I have only one problem.
At the end of that movie
when they're, you know...
They're in the water,
the ship sunk,
And she's on the door
and he's in the water,
And he's like,
"i'm dying."
He's really good,
isn't he?
I mean,
that's how good he is.
He's like, "i'm...i'm dying.
It's cold.
I'm dying."
And she's like,
"yes, you are dying.
It's terribly sad.
I'm thinking,
you know what?
There's room on that door
for two people, right there.
I mean,
this isn't some hardwood
Piece of shit
we're talking about.
This is a giant door
Built in the shipyards
of belfast by union members.
This is a big...this has been
curled and worked at.
There's brass fittings on...
This motherfucker
is mahogany.
This is a big, big door.
Cuban families come to america
on doors like this.
By the way,
a word of advice,
Never say that in miami.
Anyway, i had a problem
with the logic at the end,
'Cause i thought the two of them
would get on the door,
So know,
i was talking about it,
And i'm a passionate person.
I was getting involved
and talking about it,
And in the heat
of the moment i said,
"Oh, come on, kate.
Move over, you fat bitch."
Now i don't mean...
Hey, let me finish.
Let me finish.
I don't mean she's fat.
She's not fat.
She's not fat.
And even if she was fat,
I wouldn't comment
on a woman's weight.
What am i?
I'm fuckin' suicidal?
I'm not an idiot.
I don't comment
on a woman's weight.
I'm post feminism.
I understand.
I'm a reconstructed man.
I'm like,
"keep your fuckin' mouth shut."
I understand it.
I would never comment
on a woman's weight.
I don't do it.
I don't think
it's right to do it.
And i felt ter...
and i struggle with it too.
I...i feel your pain, sisters.
So i...honestly,
i felt terrible,
So i called up
the agent myself.
I went, "you know what?
God, i feel awful about this.
"This is a terrible thing.
"Look, let's get kate
on the show,
"And we'll do a show
about this,
"'Cause this is bullshit.
"I don't want to be that guy.
"I don't want to be that guy.
I'm not that guy.
"We'll get her on the show,
we'll talk about it.
"I'll say i'm a sorry.
I'm a dick. I'm a douchebag.
She's gorgeous.
We'll do all that."
And the agent said,
"i'll just have to call someone,
And i'll call you back."
And i went, "oh, right."
And she called me back
five minutes later
And said, "kate will never
be on your show."
And i said, "fine.
Tell her she's a fat bitch."
But she's not.
She's not a fat bitch.
i don't know the woman at all.
I never met her in my life.
I'm sure she's a lovely woman
in every way.
Well, not every way.
She's an actress.
She's probably
a fuckin' sociopath.
But she's not a fat sociopath.
And you know what?
Even if she was fat,
even if she was,
I wouldn't care,
'cause i like that.
Yeah, that's right.
I said it. I like it.
I like a woman
with a bit of unh!
I do.
I like a bit of "ooh, yeah."
I like a bit of
"let's get you up the stairs."
I like all of that.
I do. I like...
I like to slap
and then watch the wave.
I like all of that.
There's a name for men like me
That like women like that.
We're called heterosexuals.
That's right.
That's right.
Ladies, if your man likes you
to be too skinny,
Very, very skinny,
he's not your husband.
He's your gay friend.
"Someone's looking
a little bit fat."
"Really? Someone's looking
a little bit gay."
You're welcome, girls.
Use it anytime.
Anytime you like.
For free and for fun.
My gift to you.
Anytime you like.
Use it.
Enjoy your fries.
what i'm saying is,
I have to deal
with the celebrities
And then fuckin'
teach them a lesson
When they get into trouble.
And my heart's not in it.
The worst one
was when i had to do
The david letterman
sex scandal.
I was like, "oh, fuck.
Really? Thanks."
'Cause i don't know
if you know.
David letterman is my boss,
Now this is my boss, and he's
caught in a sex scandal.
Now the job is, you know,
Make fun of the people who
are caught in the sex scandal,
But in this case,
it's my boss.
Now i have to do the job,
But i'd quite like
to keep the fuckin' job.
It's like trying to do a rubik's
cube in a burning building.
I was like...
Shit. Shit. Shit.
Actually, when i first heard
about dave's sex scandal,
I shat my pants.
It was awful, because...
What, you can't say
"shat your pants" in nashville?
All right. I soiled my britches
when i heard about it.
What i mean is, i got afraid,
Because i was walking around
the house in the morning,
And the tv was on,
and i wasn't paying attention.
I was just doing my thing,
getting ready and stuff.
And the tv news was on,
And i heard the anchorman say,
"Cbs late night host
caught in sex scandal."
I was like,
"fabio, you bitch!"
And then i was like, "oh..."
What can i tell you?
I like big women.
Do you remember?
I'm gonna get to this joke.
Do you remember when...
Do you remember when fabio
got hit in the face by a goose?
Remember that?
Fabio did...
They were opening a new
amusement park somewhere.
I think it was in florida
or the midwest.
Busch gardens,
it was called.
I'd go. That's a great name,
actually, busch gardens.
Busch gardens?
You had me at "busch."
But they...
But they were opening up
this new amusement park.
This is a true story.
And they said, "we need
to get a celebrity,"
You know,
for this new amusement park.
Someone that's gonna
bring in the kids.
They're like, "oh, fabio."
And they go with fabio.
And it was the first ride
of the roller coaster,
And fabio was gonna be,
you know,
The first guy to ride the roller
coaster at busch gardens.
But they have the...
they had this thing.
Fabio was in the front car,
and it started up.
And it was kinda going...
Going up the thing, the hill,
for the first time,
And fabio was sitting there,
And his shirt was open
and his hair's all blowing.
He's like, "aah..."
It wasn't even windy.
He can just do that.
He was like, "aah..."
And just as it got to the top,
just the...
A goose is flying by.
And the goose went,
"fucking hell. Is that fabio?
What the...aah!"
And as the goose is dying,
It's thinking, "what are
the fucking odds of this?
Death by fabio?"
But they had to do an emergency
stop of the roller coaster,
And they
brought it around quick,
And fabio was all fucked up.
He was all...
oh, it was terrible.
No, you shouldn't laugh.
It was awful.
He was all mad.
He was angry.
There was feathers
and beak marks.
Little webbed
footprints and stuff.
And he was all...
He looked like he'd been eating
a live chicken or something.
He's like...
And he...but he was okay.
But a couple of days later...
this is true.
He tried to start a kind of
we are the world thing
For people that had been
hit in the face
By geese while riding
on roller coasters.
That's true!
we were hit by geese
it really hurt
the little beak
went in my cheek
and now i'm fucked...
But, actually,
it didn't work out,
Because, you know,
they looked it up,
And they're like,
"Actually, in the history of the
human race and roller coasters,
This has never
fuckin' happened before."
The odds are astronomical!
This could never happen,
but it did.
And you know what?
See, when something
that unlikely happens,
Something that weirdly
out of the ordinary,
That, to me,
proves the existence of god.
Proves it.
You know god exists
and god has a sense of humor.
'Cause god's watching fabio,
and he's like,
"Is that fabio?"
"How does he do that thing
with the shirt and the hair?
It's not even windy
over here."
"Hey, come here
and look at this.
"Come here, come here.
"Just come here.
It''ll be fun.
Come here."
"Yeah, i'm gonna.
I'm gonna.
"Yes, i am.
Boom. Yeah!"
How do you feel now,
Think about that when you're
driving home in your prius,
You fuckin' hippie.
That's right.
I said it.
I said it.
Get an engine,
you communist.
I don't like you, and i don't
like your fuckin' little car.
I don't like them priuses.
They're too quiet.
I feel like i'm gonna
wake up one night
And there'll be one
at the end of my bed.
"I recycle."
"Do you?"
That's how i've proved to myself
the existence of god.
I now no longer have
a struggle with faith.
I've proved to myself
the existence of god.
I will prove to you right now
tonight the existence of god
Using my unlikeliness theory.
Right? Here it is,
the unlikeliness theory.
I will prove to you now
the existence of god.
Siegfried and roy.
Bear with me.
For this we have
to go back in time.
We're going back in time
to vienna, austria.
It's 1974.
There's a little fog
in the street.
Just that little fog,
Like a smashing pumpkins
A young man
is walking the streets.
He is forlorn and dejected.
His name is siegfried.
"I am forlorn
and dejected.
"I am doomed
to a life of loneliness,
"For no one will ever
share my interests.
My only two interests
are lion taming and cock."
"Who in all of austria
Would also be interested
in lion taming and cock?"
"Hi, siegfried.
I'm roy.
I'm also interested
in lion taming and cock."
Two gay austrian
lion tamers?
What are the fuckin'
odds of that?
What are the odds of that?
"I also like white tigers."
"I love white tigers!"
How do you feel now,
Let me ask you a question,
When you're driving home
in them little priuses.
Who do you call on
when the brakes fail
In that little shit box?
"Oh, no. Help me,
chemical reaction."
What am i talking about?
Oh, yeah, dave sex scandal.
The dave sex scandal
was terrible, terrible for me.
The only thing
that i was grateful for,
There was no sex tape.
'Cause, you know,
i love dave,
But i don't want
to see that.
Actually, i don't watch
the sex tapes.
I try not to watch
the celebrity sex videotapes,
'Cause a lot of these people
are gonna be on the show,
And i don't want that
in my head
When i meet someone
for the first time.
Like, "oh, yeah, i remember
his cock from the internet.
How you doing?"
That's why tommy lee
has never been on the show,
'Cause i've seen that one.
before i saw that video,
I didn't know
tommy lee was scottish.
And the other one that
i wish i'd seen but i never saw
Were the carrie prejean
sex tapes.
Do you remember
carrie prejean?
She was a miss california
beauty queen.
No, you don't, but thanks.
"I haven't
made a noise for a while.
Carrie prejean
Was a miss california
beauty queen
Who became miss usa, and she got
into terrible trouble,
Because during
the question-And-Answer part
Of the beauty pageant, you know,
when they grill the girls
To find out if they're smart
enough to be beauty queens,
If you don't get this right,
you're ugly.
And by the way, beauty
is decided by donald trump?
That's like a midget deciding
who's the tallest.
What the fuck?
Did you "ooh" me
for donald trump?
Fucking seriously?
Anyway, carrie prejean
was this...
She got into terrible trouble,
'Cause during
the question-And-Answer thing,
It came out that she was
against gay marriage.
So all the people
that are for gay marriage
Were like, "what?"
And all the people
that were against gay marriage
Were like, "hooray!"
But then her time in the media
was fucked up,
Because sex tapes came out
where, apparently,
She had been sending sex tapes
to her boyfriend on her phone...
Just of her,
just her on her own,
No one else in the tape,
Which i think is a level
of confidence
I could only aspire to.
That's amazing.
"I'm making a sex tape."
"Really? Who's in it?"
"Just me."
"Who else do you need?"
when a woman does that,
actually awesome.
Now, women...that'd be great.
A man should never
do that, though.
Never woman wants
to see that on her phone.
That would be bad.
Here's me thinking
about you, honey.
Can't wait to see you tonight.
A woman would get that on her
phone...she'd be like, "aah!
Ah, take out my eyes!
I can never use them again!"
She got into terrible trouble,
this carrie prejean woman,
And she had to go on larry king
to defend herself.
By the way, i love larry king.
I do.
I really love larry king,
and i hate that he's retiring
And being replaced
by some british fuck.
We don't need foreigners
on american television.
What the fuck is going on?
That's right!
She had to go...
I do. I love larry king.
I do.
Larry king, that's
the way you should grow old,
Like larry king.
Larry king typifies,
for me,
The spirit
of the punk-Rock movement.
Absolutely, 'cause he's like...
You know, like you young people,
you're like,
"I don't give a fuck
what you think, man."
You give a fuck.
You comb your hair.
You wear deodorant.
Larry doesn't fucking give
a shit about any of that.
Larry doesn't give a fuck
what you think.
It's true.
I've been on his show.
Larry will look you
directly in the eyes,
Fart really loudly,
and not break eye contact.
It's like...
What's wrong?
Don't you like brisket?
I fucking love
larry king...i love him.
That's the way i want
to grow old, like larry king,
Not giving a fuck.
That's how you get old.
Like, see, when i was a young
comedian in the comedy clubs...
I was, like, 23, 24...
I was like, "all the older
comedians are hacks, man.
They're all assholes.
They're all fucking hacks."
But now, you see, i'm 48,
And i hear
the young comedians talking,
And i'm like,
"shut the fuck up, you douche."
And stop touching your groin
when you're telling jokes.
It doesn't make you edgy.
It just looks dirty.
They're like, "hi, everybody.
I'm edgy. Whoa, oh, oh."
"Here's a new style of comedy...
me touching my cock."
I don't have to keep doing this.
I just like doing this.
"Hey, everybody. I'm edgy.
I'm edgy. Mm-Hmm.
"Have you ever noticed
how some things
Are like other things?"
Now, i'm 48 years old.
I've been married three times.
I've been through rehab.
My balls touch my ankles
when i stand up, but, no...
I never noticed how some things
are like other things.
Shut up!
It's true.
My balls are leaving me...
Sometimes i feel i'm being
followed by twin hamsters.
Are they still there?
I'm getting away, though.
Anyway...oh, yeah,
i was gonna tell you this joke.
So here's the joke.
It's an old joke,
which means i stole it.
I didn't really steal it, but
if you do what i do for a living
And go on the internet
And google yourself
Fuck you.
People will say that you steal
things all the time.
I noticed that.
This is not kidding, right?
I googled myself.
I don't do it anymore.
I googled myself by accident.
I came into the room,
and i tripped and fell
And typed my name in google
on the computer.
Like, oh!
I googled...and somebody said in
this chat room on the internet...
I'm not kidding.
This is true.
Somebody said...
"that craig ferguson, yeah,
He stole the whole scottish
thing from mike myers."
Now, listen, i know mike myers.
I like him.
He's a very nice man,
but he's canadian.
And in this same chat room...
i'm not kidding.
In the same chat room,
somebody else...this is true.
Somebody said, "no, no,
he didn't steal his act
"From mike myers.
He stole his act
from ellen degeneres."
Now, listen, i know
and like ellen degeneres.
She's a very nice woman,
but come on!
I'm not butch enough
to do ellen material.
I do kind of look
like an old lesbian, don't i?
I kind of do.
I've noticed it.
I know. I know.
It's all right.
We can just...
you know, we can talk about it.
Sometimes i just look
in the mirror, i'm like,
"Fuck, k.D. Lang."
There's this idea that people
are meaner than they used to be.
Because of the internet,
you know, people are meaner.
They're not meaner. People are
not meaner than they used to be.
People have always been
assholes, except you guys.
But they...
But they are,
and people are not meaner.
What happens is the technology
is just faster.
It's just faster.
What happens is,
you have this crazy idea,
And there's a crazy,
angry thought, and you're like,
"I've got a crazy,
angry thought."
Tickety-Tick, tick, tick, boom!
And it's out.
And you don't have time.
You don't have time to slow down
and self-Edit and ask yourself
The three things
you must always ask yourself
Before you say anything, which
is, "does this need to be said?
"Does this
need to be said by me?
Does this need to be said
by me now?"
Three fucking marriages
it took me to learn that.
It's's the technology.
It's too fast.
Like, in the old days...
In the middle ages,
if you had a crazy thought,
You were like,
"i got to write this down.
"I'm so angry. I'm so crazy.
I'm gonna write this down.
"Well, i better learn
to read and write,
"Because it's the middle ages,
And only monks and priests
can read and write."
Right, well, okay,
a couple of years of that...
"I'm still angry.
I'm gonna write this down.
"I'm gonna need...oh, fuck it.
I'm gonna need parchment.
"All right, parchment
and weave the parchment.
"Weave the parchment.
Right, got some parchment.
Oh, fuck, a pen.
Give me a chicken."
"Right, chicken.
Oh, fuck, ink.
"Crush the berries.
Crush the berries.
"Right, parchment, berries,
pen...let's go.
"Right, capital letter
to start off...
"Big medieval capital letter
with things going around it,
"Little trees
and squirrelly bits.
"God's hand coming down...
a little castle, a tree,
"A brook, a dwarf,
all kind of things,
"Little tigers and designs.
You know what?
I'm just gonna let it go."
Three weeks for the letter "f,"
30 seconds for "uck it."
Also, of course,
with the internet,
You've got
that kind of hidden feeling.
You're kind of protected.
You're kind of...
You know,
you're kind of anonymous.
It's kind of like
in your car.
You're a bit more of a dick when
you drive than when you walk,
'Cause you're kind of protected.
It's like the same thing.
Like, you would never walk
like you drive.
You never walk up
behind somebody and go,
"Oh, come on, get a move on.
"Oh, what? Come on!
"Oh, invisible friend,
look at this.
"Oh. Oh!
I know you're on my side, god.
Come on!"
Like, getting round in front
of them and slowing down...
"How do you
fucking like it, huh?"
"Learn to walk, you bastard."
You wouldn't do that,
'cause somebody would kill you.
Men are particularly bad
at this.
I'm as bad as any other man.
You know, we think
if we have a big machine,
A big badass machine,
like a big truck or a big car,
It makes us
a big badass person.
It doesn't.
It doesn't.
It makes you the owner
of a big badass machine.
That's all.
I saw a very good example
of this
When i used to live in london.
I lived in london, and i saw
a traffic accident one day
Between a guy
on a big italian motorcycle...
Beautiful, big thing,
A big "what's-A-Coming-A-Go,
And a little mini cooper,
you know, a little kind of...
Beep, beep.
And they had this accident.
It wasn't too bad.
But the bike went over,
And the mini cooper went
into the curb,
And the guy on the bike
was fucking crazy.
He was incensed.
He got up,
and he gets a bike chain.
He goes over to the mini,
And the doors are still closed
in the mini.
He goes over,
and he's fucking mad.
He gets the bike chain, and he's
like, "you crazy motherfucker!
You got to...
Well, it wasn't like that.
It was london. He was like...
"I'm terribly
cross with you right now."
"Ooh, you've made me grumpy."
And i know what he's thinking.
He's thinking, well,
the mini cooper is a small car,
So the person in it
is gonna be small,
And he's gonna be able
to bully and intimidate them.
And, of course, the door opens,
And this fucking head
starts to come out...
This huge, giant cockney head,
big thing,
No hair on the top, just bits
of bacon and fur and stuff.
And this guy...
like, one eye in the middle,
And he's like...
He gets up, and he...
And he's wearing one of them
pinkie rings that guys wear
When their hobby is murdering.
And he gets...he gets
up to his full height,
And he looks down at the guy,
and he's like,
"What the fuck
do you think you're doing?"
And the guy
with the chain said,
"I saw a bug
on the roof of your car,
"It looked like it might be
a sting-Y one.
I was chasing it away."
But what happened is,
He was made to be responsible
for his actions.
But that won't happen to you
on the internet.
Nobody on the internet...
No big cockney's gonna come
round to your house
If you've been on the internet
And stuff a bike chain
down your pants and slap you...
Unless you go to the right
website maybe, and then...
If that exists.
It will by midnight.
I'll see you there.
Now, i noticed when people
Were getting fucking mean
on the internet...
What happened is i accidentally
googled myself...
Fell over, typed my name in...
after i got married.
I got married again,
and i went on the internet
To see how happy
everyone was for me.
Fucking hell.
It was awful.
One woman...
i think it was a woman.
Her name was susan123
or something,
And she said,
"married again, eh?
Hmm. She's a user,
and he's a pervert."
And i'm like,
"how do they know us?"
I did. I got married...
i got married again.
I got married
to a yankee woman.
You wouldn't make that noise
if you were a real yankee.
You'd just sit there
quietly smug in your cardigan.
No, i did.
I married a yankee woman
From up
in the new hampshire area.
And they're very...
very posh kind of yankees,
Very kind of upper-Class
yankees, which is freaky for me,
Because they
don't even sound american.
You know, they sound...
they are american,
But they sound
like english people.
They're like,
"oh, yes,
"We're terribly american, yes.
"We're terribly american.
We enjoy gum,
and we detest al-Qaeda."
They do.
They sound like
upper-Class english people.
They're so posh, they don't say
the word "yes."
They say, "ears."
They're say,
"would you like a drink?"
They go...
"Ears, that would be lovely."
I remember that.
I remember that
from when i lived in london.
when i lived in london,
I would have sex with a girl
from an aristocratic family.
And i...
I always enjoy doing to them
What their ancestors
did to my country.
Although with me, there was
always cuddling afterwards.
But it's very confusing
having sex
With an upper-Class
english girl,
Because they'd be saying,
"oh, ears, ears, ears.
Ears! Ears!"
I'd be like,
"oh, all right, then."
And the midget would be like,
"what the hell are you doing?"
I'd be like, "never mind."
And then when they start saying,
"oh, i'm arriving.
I'm arriving!"
I'm kidding.
I never heard that.
They're very strange,
though, the yankees.
They're very,
very strange to me.
They're weird.
They're so tight-Ass.
They're like...
It's like, even when they
get drunk, they're tight-Ass.
Like, when my people get drunk,
we go crazy.
We're just like...
"Oh, danny boy!
You don't fucking know me!
You...i fucking love you!"
"I'm all right!
I'm all right!"
"I know! I'm good!"
And the men are worse,
but when yankees get drunk...
When yankees get drunk,
they're just more tight-Ass.
You go, "are you drunk?"
They go, "ears."
They're like the addams family.
When i first met them,
they were...i go to the house,
There was a plate
of cookies going round,
And i went to take one,
and somebody said,
"Not that one.
That's for mother."
Very strange.
Not like my family at all.
My family aren't upper-Class
or posh or anything.
We're more kind of...
How do you describe my family?
Carnies, i guess.
We're kind of carnies.
We are, you know,
working-Class people
With psychic abilities.
That's what we are.
My father had a very unusual
psychic ability.
He could, um,
detect water.
It's called divining.
He would use a "y"- Shaped
"u" branch
And he could find water
with that.
Which is
a very impressive skill
In a country where it rains
365 days of the year.
"I think there's water
over here, son."
"It's a swamp, dad."
Not only could my father
find water with a stick.
He could find a bar
with his shoes.
Hang on, son.
Hang on.
Hang on.
Whoa, oh, what's this?
What's this?
Come on.
Right again!
I don't want to give you
the wrong impression
About my dad.
He wasn't a drunk
or an alcoholic.
He was just scottish.
I became a terrible drunk
or alcoholic...
Or a good one,
Depending on your point
of view, i guess.
I certainly threw myself
at it with gusto.
There was no half-Measures
with me.
People never said,
"i wonder if he's a..."
"No, no. He is."
So i mean, i've been sober
for a very long time
And people still say to me,
they say,
"Oh, craig, how much did you
drink back then?"
I'm like,
"i don't know."
It's not fucking
weight watchers.
It's not like you wake up
in the dumpster
And go, "oomp, 14 units.
I need a meeting."
That's one of the few upsides
Of active alcoholism.
Very little
in the way of paperwork.
It's one of those weird things,
being an alcoholic.
Everybody thinks
they know about it
More than you do.
It's kind of like having
a southern accent,
You know what i mean?
It's like people
do it back to you.
Like, "yickety-Dickety."
It's true. People think
they know about it.
They're like,
"oh, you know,
This is what you have to do."
I was like,
"oh, shut the fuck up."
You don't know
about this.
It's like...
people like me,
When we listen to people
who are not alcoholics,
And they're having drinks
and they say,
"Mm, oh, i'm gonna
have to stop now.
I'm starting to feel it."
And i'm like,
"that's the fucking point."
That's the point!
"Oh, i'm...i'm starting to get
a little drunk."
Starting to feel it is not
the end of drinking.
It's the beginning
of drinking.
Anyway, look,
i'm gonna tell you this joke.
It's very important
that i tell you,
'Cause this
is what i want to do.
I want to tell you this joke,
and we're done.
I love this joke.
This is the best joke
i ever heard.
It's the most beautiful joke
in the world.
No pressure.
It's just a great joke.
I love this joke.
It's a joke which i think says
everything about men and women
And about life
and the universe
And how we must
all come together
And try and love each other
a little bit.
It was a joke made famous
in britain in the 1970s
By a british comedian
called bernard manning,
Who was a lovely man.
Well, he was
a fat, profane alcoholic,
But i liked him.
And he used to tell this joke,
and here it is.
He used to say...
"Ladies and gentlemen...
"I've got my wife
her christmas present.
"For christmas, i got her a pair
of shoes and a vibrator.
If she doesn't like the shoes,
she can go fuck herself."
Sorry, i love that joke.
And that's it. That's the joke
i came to tell you.
And we're done now.
That's it. It's over.
The joke has been told.
Thank you.
No, i'm done.
The only thing
that remains for me to do
Is to thank you
for your southern hospitality,
Your weirdly creepy
friendliness, and your, uh...
And your adorable accents.
I'd like to thank you
the only way i really know how...
In the form of a song.
It's a song that goes
a little something like this.
yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah
yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah
i think i did it again
i made you believe
we're more
than just friends
oh, baby
it might seem like a crush
but it doesn't mean
that i'm serious
'cause to lose
all my senses
that is just
so typically me
oh, baby, baby
I did it again
i played with your heart
got lost in the game
oh, baby, baby
You think i'm in love
that i'm sent from above
i'm not that innocent
you see my problem is this
i'm dreaming away
wishing that heroes,
they truly exist
i cry watching the days
can't you see i'm a fool
in so many ways?
but to lose all my senses
that is just
so typically me
baby, oh
I did it again
i played with your heart
got lost in the game
oh, baby, baby
You think i'm in love
that i'm sent from above
i'm not that innocent