Crawdaddy (2025) Movie Script
[whimsical circus music]
[Gwynn] Sometimes I feel like
a wild animal, caged in a zoo,
held captive in a habitat made
to look and feel like my own.
I have everything that I need
in here, but nothing that I want,
and that's when
I start to make trouble.
This is my boyfriend Adam,
the artist,
the actor,
the king of our little kingdom.
We're five years in now,
and I've never felt so loved,
so bored, so horny.
Lance, Adam's best friend
and first knight,
the science teacher,
monotonizing his existence
one experiment at a time.
Fantasy is defined as the
activity of imagining things
that are impossible
or improbable.
My fantasies
are what set me free.
When the barriers dissolve
and the wild animal dreams
of life in the jungle,
only to get caught
in the circus.
Like Eve, cast out of Eden,
banned from her paradise,
my tornado swoops in,
and I'm caught in my thirties.
No career,
no children, no compass.
My only life raft,
a raging clitoris,
and men as my only motivation,
my salvation.
It's not just my crisis, it's
a global crisis, a pandemic.
My world just got
a whole lot smaller.
The question is,
can my cage become my chariot?
Can it take me to life
beyond the reverie?
[brassy fanfare]
[Gwynn] I haven't been single
since I was in grade three.
It all started
when I fell in love
with my two best friends,
Jared and Nikki.
One day, during recess,
I received my scarlet letter.
They wrote their names
in bold lettering
and asked me to circle which one
I wanted to be my boyfriend.
I remember that choice made me
feel so goddamn powerful,
and I wanted to feel that way
for the rest of my life.
Yeah, so,
you know, I chose Nikki.
Obviously.
- We were soulmates.
- Mm.
- You know?
- Mm-hmm.
He told me he waited
fuckin' lifetimes to be with me.
- Wow.
- Yeah.
- It's so deep, Macy.
- Right.
We were eight.
- Eight years old.
- That's young.
Don't get me wrong, though.
Like, I was
so attracted to Jared.
[Adam] Babe, you want beer?
You still drinking wine?
[Gwynn]
Yeah, wine.
And, you know,
I think I kind of liked him
because he looked like me.
- Oh.
- And they call this something.
I was reading
about it the other day.
- It's like a...
- [Macy] Lance probably knows.
Genetic assortative mating.
Fuck you, you smart bitch.
Fucking A, man. That's it.
Have you ever been to Greece?
[Macy] Um, no. Those are
Lance's travel destinations.
[Gwynn] Greece!
- [Lance] Uh-huh.
- [Adam] I have an idea.
So, matchbooks
are the new business cards.
There's a huge opportunity
here for sure.
- We source.
- Sell me on it. Sell me on it.
Half a dozen designs online.
And we sell them to hotels,
bars, restaurants,
salons, whatever.
We slap on the branding.
Contact info.
- And we're off to the races.
- Yeah, but,
no, there's a problem though
because nobody smokes anymore.
- Ah.
- [Gwynn] Mm-mm.
I still smoke.
You're an anomaly.
Anyways, doesn't matter.
Everyone's just wanting
to resurrect the past.
We're nostalgic for it
more than ever.
It's the mid-century
modern pandemic
that's really taken over.
[Lance]
Speaking of nostalgic...
I haven't seen one of
these things since I was a kid.
Careful, Lance.
That's my phantom cock.
Your what?
Yeah. I always
felt like I had one.
And that's it personified
in an inanimate object.
- Actually?
- [Gwynn] Uh-huh.
- [Adam] Babe.
- [Gwynn] Why?
- [Adam] Babe.
- Do you want it? Take it.
- It's yours.
- Don't, man.
That's voodoo shit right there.
No, she said it's mine.
It's all mine.
It's the ghost dick.
Hey. Hey.
- Hey.
- You okay?
- Yeah, I'm okay.
- You're just... You're quiet.
- I'm sorry.
- It's okay. It's... it's late.
Yeah.
You think that
we could maybe wrap it up soon?
Yeah. Yeah,
no, they're gonna go.
- I've talked to Adam.
- Okay. Great.
[Adam] Do you...
Do you guys want to play
a board game or something?
No, no, no, no, no, no.
Games give me anxiety. No.
I'm going for my smoke.
I'm gonna go for one.
Lance, I'd prefer if you didn't.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, I know.
It's good. Yeah.
So you really feel like
you have a ghost stick, huh?
Yeah.
[Lance]
Huh. Cool.
What am I
supposed to be seeing here?
Well, it's a little
cloudy right now, but...
I had this pointed at this
perfect semicircle of stars
called the Corona Borealis.
[Gwynn chuckling]
You actually call it that?
Yeah.
What does that mean?
It means northern crown.
It was a gift from
the Greek god, Dionysus
given to
the Cretan princess, Ariadne.
[Gwynn chuckling]
You know, your eyes are like
the world cut in half.
No.
Yeah.
You have this bluish-green
oceanic crust
around the outside.
There's a mantle ring
of fiery orange
that outlines your pupils.
[door opening]
[Adam] And that's
when I say it's story time.
What's up?
Don't you recall
when we were young lads
and we would play
under the trampoline?
[Lance laughing]
You and me fantasizing
about where we would travel
in the world.
I'm good.
My... my... my man, Lancealot.
He's got to learn
to dance a lot.
He puts his mind and body
in a trance a lot.
Then he gets his hankies
not in the right chat.
- Fuck it.
- [Adam mimicking an engine]
Yes!
[Adam beat boxing]
We're not being
too COVID safe out here, are we?
We ain't being too COVID safe.
I'm so fucking baked.
[all laughing]
That's just inappropriate.
Dude, don't pretend like
you know what you're doing.
I want a child.
- I have some.
- I want like, nine of them.
I have some.
[Macy] We have an early
morning tomorrow, Lance.
Yeah, you guys should go.
Macy was
off the hook tonight, huh?
Hm?
Yeah, I think she had
like three sparkling waters.
She's good for him, though.
[Gwynn] Can you hurry up?
You're taking forever.
[Adam vocalizing]
Deja vu.
[Gwynn]
Yeah. No shit.
Every goddamn weekend.
But we're having a good time.
Mm.
No more screens.
Just dreams.
[dramatic music]
[Gwynn panting]
[deep voice]
Gwynn...
I need your help.
- [animals vocalizing]
- [thunderous stampeding]
[narrator] After gifting him
with a white bull
that was to be
sacrificed to the gods,
Poseidon learned that
King Minos had disobeyed him,
- keeping the bull for himself.
- [flute playing]
Out of fury, Poseidon cursed
Queen Pasipha to fall in love
and fornicate with the beast,
a carnal act that resulted in
the pregnancy
and the subsequent birth
of the infamous Minotaur,
the half-bull,
half-man creature,
and Minos imprisoned him
in the labyrinth
on the island of Crete.
- M'lady.
- [Gwynn grunting]
You sure pulled the ripcord
last night, huh, bud?
Yeah.
Okay.
Bumsy bum,
everybody knows it
Bumsy bum,
everybody shows it
[Gwynn] So, I told Adam
about the dream.
He was a little
thrown off at first,
but he rarely gets jealous.
How was he?
[Gwynn]
Often makes me wonder
how much
I could really get away with.
Why?
[Gwynn]
This dream was an omen.
[Adam]
Couldn't get it up?
[Gwynn]
A call to action.
But how
was I going to help Lance?
[brassy fanfare]
[realtor]
You guys are gonna love this,
0the kitchen is this way.
- [Macy] Okay.
[realtor] It has been renovated
top to bottom.
[Macy]
Oh, my God.
[realtor] The appliances
are all still under warranty.
There's great stone countertops,
custom cabinetry,
no expense has been spared,
amazing dishwasher.
And my favorite thing
about this space
is these north-facing windows.
You get this, um...
Oh, uh, it is this one.
Obviously, this will become
much more familiar
- when you live here.
- [Macy] When we live here, yeah.
[realtor] So...
[Lance]
Macy and I met online.
We've been together
for seven years.
We're good together.
It's easy.
There's rarely any drama.
There's nothing.
[realtor] And you
guys obviously have kids?
- [Macy] No.
- [realtor] Oh.
- Not yet, not yet, yeah.
- [realtor] Plenty of time.
[Macy]
When are you due?
[realtor] Well, it's just
a couple of weeks.
[Macy]
Oh, my God.
[Lance]
She has all these plans for us.
Goals.
You're not working towards
something, what is there?
What's the point?
[realtor] I have an older one,
but I'm just, you know...
- [Macy] Oh, it's the second.
- [realtor] Oh, just as scary.
[Macy] Oh, my God.
[realtor] Yeah, just scary
the second time, I think.
I'm the kind of person
who needs restriction.
Put it on myself intentionally.
[realtor] So, do you guys
want a family?
[Macy] Well, yeah, yeah,
of course. It's in the plan.
Macy's simplicity gives me
some peace of mind.
[realtor]
and then you're like,
"Oh, no. Do I want
to have another one?"
You know, the time just
ticks on by.
[Macy] That's true.
That's a good point, yeah.
No, I... We've been wanting...
I've been wanting
to tell him, so.
Being with her has been like...
Like taking a break for myself
in a weird way.
In a good way.
[phone ringing]
- [Adam] Babe.
- [Gwynn] Huh?
Babe, your phone's ringing.
It's your mom.
[Gwynn]
Don't answer it.
[Adam]
What if it's an emergency?
It's not.
I don't understand why
you never answer your phone.
Did you fill out your EI report?
[Gwynn] Yeah.
- [phone ringing]
- Where are you going?
[Adam] For my speed walk.
Namaste, babe.
Have a good class.
I met Gwynn through her ex.
Roger and I became fast friends.
The kind you make
when you're going through
big changes in life.
For me, it was a divorce.
[Adam heaving and coughing]
At the time,
I couldn't relate to my friends
because I was
too busy reinventing myself.
That changed when I met
Roger at a warehouse party.
He was unlike anyone I knew.
And that was everything
I was looking for.
[Adam laughing]
So, Gwynn and Roger
were going through
a tough time when we met.
He would often joke around
and ask me
if I wanted to take her off
of his hands for him.
Our failed relationships
bonded us.
But then
I actually got to meet Gwynn.
And that was
the beginning of the end.
Of Roger and I's friendship,
at least.
They finally broke up
and we hooked up almost
immediately afterwards.
"You may be her new
knight in shining armor,"
Roger warned,
"but just you wait.
You'll be in my position
before you know it.
She's done this before.
She'll do it again."
I call it her Guinevere complex.
Gwynn's dad died
when she was very young.
He was a criminal
and a drug addict.
She couldn't save him.
And that really stuck with her.
So
as for her mom,
well, that's
a whole other story.
Let's just say, uh
when the umbilical cord
is stretched so far,
it begins to tear.
[doorbell ringing]
[Gwynn chuckling]
[Lance] Well, I'm gonna... I'm
gonna take one of your classes.
- [Gwynn] Mm-hmm.
- I am.
[Gwynn] Whatever, Lance. You've
been saying that for years.
No, I'm serious. Macy keeps
bugging me to do something
- about my back.
- About my back.
- [Lance] My back is fucked up.
- Well, you should, Lance.
She's a miracle worker.
She will heal your legs.
She will heal your back.
Why couldn't Macy come?
Oh, she's just...
She's just... she's just tired.
She's tired a lot, eh?
Gwynn, don't be a dick.
So, shall we
attempt going out later?
Ugh. I don't know how I feel
about drinking in
a plexiglass display case.
It just seems so starkly
futuristic and obscene.
I like being on display.
I used to pose beside
the mannequins at the mall,
you know,
in those glass storefronts.
Are strip clubs open?
Like, what's the deal there?
That's not a bad idea.
We should...
We should hit up a show.
I would love a dance,
but I don't know how it's going
to socially play out,
distance-wise.
[Gwynn laughing]
Lap dance.
What are they doing
about tipping?
- [Adam] Yeah.
- With COVID and all that.
Like, how does that work?
Yo, we should develop
a virtual tipping app.
Could work like cam sites.
- Huh?
- Hm.
- [Lance] Cam sites?
- [Adam] Mm-hmm.
[Lance]
Weren't you guys considering
doing that at one point?
[Adam] I could
never go through with it.
He couldn't get it up.
He doesn't like being watched.
I'm too traditional.
No, you're
just weird for an actor.
I'm classically trained.
I'm a thespian.
We have
a statute of limitations.
We do not raise the dinkage.
Shit.
[Lance]
What about you?
How comfortable
would you be with it?
Well, I like to be on display,
Lance, so obviously I'd love it.
[Lance]
But you haven't tried it?
- No.
- Hm.
[Gwynn]
Would you like me to?
[laughing] Do your thing.
I don't know.
It'd be
kind of fucking out there.
Lance thinks you should.
You should do it, Gwynn.
You'd get a lot of views.
- [Adam laughing]
- I swear to God.
[Adam] Lance!
[Lance and Adam laughing]
- I'm just saying.
- Lance wants you to go in.
Wow.
Yeah, you probably would
get a lot of views.
[Adam] Okay. What's up?
What's up, Lance?
- [Lance] What's up?
- What's really going on
- with you right now?
- [Lance] What do you mean?
I'm just enjoying my sushi,
drinking some beers.
- What's really on your mind?
- [Lance] Nothing.
- You sure there's no subtext?
- [Lance] Subtext?
Something in your subterranean
modular is happening.
Maybe I should give him
a tarot reading,
then we'll figure it all out.
- Absolutely.
- [Lance] Mm.
That's what you need,
is a reading into the arcane.
I'd try that out.
[Gwynn] Oh, look,
my shirt just fell off.
Uh-oh. Oh, shit.
Say tarot
and her titty pops out.
[Lance]
Wardrobe malfunction.
[Gwynn]
Your present, the moon.
See, the moon represents
our repressed innermost
thoughts of our minds,
our subconscious trying
to communicate to us
through our dreams.
It's all about embracing
our shadow selves.
[water crashing]
You are the crawdaddy
crawling out of the depths
of your psychic tides.
[echoing]
And you, you gotta break free
- and molt out of your shell.
- [shell cracking]
There are hidden truths that
are revealing themselves to you.
This is a time when
your imagination can manifest
into your physical reality.
But...
Fuck, your soul's integrity
is gonna,
it's gonna be put to the test.
And you gotta remember
the moon's light is only
a reflection of the sun's.
You know, your external world,
it... it... it might tempt
and confuse you,
so you can't mistake the
reflection for the real thing.
[wolf howling]
["Heartattack and Vine"
by Tom Waits]
The illusion can be so alluring.
So, you gotta,
you gotta proceed with caution.
You gotta trust your instincts.
Don't be fooled
by tricks of the light.
Liar, liar,
with your pants on fire
White spades hangin' on
the telephone wire
Gamblers reevaluate
along the dotted line
You'll never
recognize yourself
On heart attack and vine
Doctor, lawyer,
beggar man thief
Philly Joe remarkable
looks on in disbelief
If you want
a taste of madness
You'll have to wait in line
You'll probably
see someone you know
On heart attack and vine
Boney's high on china white,
Shorty found a punk
Don't you know
there ain't no devil left
There's just God
when he's drunk
Well, this stuff will
probably kill you
Let's do another line
What you say you meet me
Down on heart attack
and vine
See that little Jersey girl
in the see-through top
[Gwynn]
I read somewhere
that the man in the moon
was the fool.
[Gwynn howling]
Lance took the bait and I had
him exactly where I wanted him.
Look at the moon.
Let's eat the moon.
Stare up into the moon
and every time you inhale,
picture you sucking up
all of its light
through all the holes
in your body.
All the holes.
Yes.
[Lance] This is just
like Charleston Lake.
[Gwynn] Hm.
[Lance] Still need
to take you guys up there.
- [Adam] Sand dunes, right?
- [Lance] Yep.
It's like being on the moon.
- You're from there, right?
- Mm-hmm.
It's awesome up there.
My happy place.
Okay, I'm going in!
- [chuckling]
- Okay!
Well, fuck it. I think
we should run away together.
You can both be my boyfriends.
Why not, right?
I fucked Lance
in my dream last night.
Maybe it's a sign.
- Whoa, what?
- Stop it.
- [Gwynn] Yeah?
- Stop.
Uh-huh.
[air horn blowing]
[Adam]
I'm gonna pee!
[air horn blowing]
[Adam] Honky guy.
So
got any smokes
left?
Uh-huh, I think so.
- Yes, I do.
- Hm.
Let's share it.
Hm. Lucky smoke.
Make a wish.
Hm.
Hm.
Mm. Mm.
So, buddy.
You ever dream about me?
I'm not telling.
["Heartattack and Vine"
by Tom Waits]
Boney's high
on china white
Shorty found a punk
Don't you know
there ain't no devil
There's just God
when he's drunk
Well, this stuff
will probably kill you
["Vulcan" by Faberg]
[female singer vocalizing]
[second singer vocalizing]
She and I are
a lot alike
in a lot of ways.
But not in the best ways.
Sometimes, it feels
like she can
read my mind
when I'm around her, like
she can see right through me.
It's weird.
[singer vocalizing]
We have a lot of fun together.
We do.
But I
definitely need to let
the dust settle
for a few days
after I've seen her.
Gwynn and I are like
like sodium bicarbonate
and acetic acid,
baking soda and vinegar.
Put us together, it's like...
[imitating explosion]
Like a volcano erupting.
And...
I think we need
to keep it in a...
In a controlled
environment, is all.
Like...
I do think about
being with her, but I...
I can't.
I wouldn't go there.
I would never do
anything like that to Adam.
Good morning, everybody.
Today's lesson will be
on global water distribution.
[globe creaking]
[computer dinging]
[doorbell ringing]
[Gwynn] Hi.
- Whoa.
- [Gwynn] You're early.
Yeah, sorry, I...
I told Adam I'd meet him here.
Just come in,
just come in, it's fine.
I'm supposed to pick
up some groceries
- for the dinner thing tonight.
- Yeah, uh-huh.
I'm gonna go
- finish my yoga class.
- Okay.
But Adam should be back shortly.
He just had to get some
pajamas for an audition thing,
so make yourself
at home and I'll...
I'll be right back.
Okay.
[Gwynn panting and moaning]
[sighing]
Okay.
[moaning]
[Gwynn]
Careful, Lance.
That's my phantom cock.
[Gwynn moaning]
[Gwynn] Oh yeah,
what, do you wanna see?
Oh, yeah. Uh-huh.
Oh... [giggling]
Thank you, guys.
Oh, yes. Oh, yeah.
[Gwynn moaning]
Yes, okay.
Oh, my God. Oh, my God,
I can't... I need you...
I need... I'm coming...
[Gwynn screaming]
Oh, my...
That's it, yes, I'm coming...
Oh, my God, yes, I'm coming...
[Gwynn crying out]
[door opening]
- [Gwynn] Hey.
- Hey.
Can I bum a smoke?
Yeah, yeah.
Got a few there.
Thank you.
So what's, um...
What is all this?
Camming.
- Oh.
- Remember?
- Mm-hmm.
- You inspired me?
You heard me, didn't you?
No.
- Yeah, you did.
- No, I didn't.
Okay, a little bit.
Yeah?
I'm sorry, I didn't...
I don't know, it was just
- bad time to come.
- No, it's fine.
Whatever.
Just trying it out.
So far, so good, though.
- Yeah?
- Yeah.
And I have this theory about it.
What's that?
Well, do you know where
prostitution first came from?
Mm. Well, they say it's
the oldest profession.
- Mm-hmm.
- Right?
But that... this camming...
That's not prostitution, is it?
Yeah. I mean,
it's sex for money, Lance,
whether you're fucking
physically or virtually.
It's the same thing.
But do you know
about sacred prostitution?
- Mm-mm.
- [Gwynn chuckling]
Well, it's totally contradictory
to how you might think
of prostitution nowadays,
but way back in the day,
like 2,400 B.C. or something
crazy like that,
there were these women who were
worshipped in temples.
Sex was an act
of ritual back then.
- Oh.
- I mean,
fucking one of these women
was like going to church.
- Mm.
- Jesus.
So, I like to think that when
I'm putting on one of my shows,
I'm channeling
the goddess Venus.
And the site I use,
CanYouFuckMeMate,
is merely just this modern-day
platform that hosts
my love temple to the public.
CanYou...
CanYouFuckMeMate.com.
CanYouFuckMeMate, uh-huh.
That's the one.
So, apparently,
it's really hard to find
nice men's pajamas, like
something I'd actually wear.
I can't picture
you wearing pajamas.
Right?
Do you wear PJs?
Yeah.
It's healthy to sleep naked.
I don't know where
pajamas were invented,
but bad for
the ball sack, my brother.
You gotta let the balls breathe.
[Lance]
So, when's this audition?
I have to upload something
by the end of the weekend.
[Adam]
Another heartfelt submission
into the endless
cyber void of rejection
and fruitless endeavor.
[Lance]
So, why do you do it?
[Adam]
It's a disease.
Excuse me?
Six lobsters, please.
- Oh, shit.
- [Lance] Wow.
[Adam] You think my mom
would eat a whole one?
- I got this recipe online.
- [Macy] Oh.
Yeah, it called for dates,
but I didn't have any,
so I used raisins instead.
Mom, raisins are
totally different than dates.
Different consistency,
different flavor.
Well, I don't know, honey.
So, don't have any then.
[Gwynn]
It looks great.
- Thank you.
- [Adam] Just pick around it.
[medieval music playing]
So, how is it working from home?
Oh, yeah, I mean,
it's... it's fine.
I'm going into the school
two or three times a week
to record stuff,
but that's about it.
Oh, that must be really weird,
with no students there.
I mean, a bit, yeah,
but kind of getting used to it.
It's amazing how adaptable
we are as a human species.
That's true.
[Adam's mom]
Well, you know what?
I am so over it. There's...
There's something to be said
about mental health, too.
I'm still ticked
that we didn't get our refund
back on that deposit
for that cruise we booked.
- Oh, that's ridiculous.
- [Adam's mom] I know.
It's ridiculous.
Talk about first
world problems over here.
On a real note, has anyone heard
how many people died today?
No, no, no, no. I don't want
to hear anything like that.
I don't want to hear the news.
It's just too depressing.
Okay, live under a rock.
Adam, did you get that e-mail
I sent you the other day?
The, uh, the blue chip report?
[Adam]
Uh, no, didn't open it yet.
Well, uh,
any bookings this week?
[Adam] Nope.
[Adam's mom]
Well, you know what?
[Macy] Thank you.
[Adam's mom] Might be time to
figure out a plan B.
You know, a little reality
check might be good for you.
I mean, your father and I,
we didn't have anybody
- to bail us out of anything.
- [Adam] Mom, Mom. Please.
Spare me.
[Adam's dad]
Okay, but she's got a point.
[Adam]
Eating dinner, like, please.
[Adam's mom] Let's have a toast.
Let's have a toast, honey.
I'm sorry. I'm really sorry.
I didn't mean to upset you.
[Adam]
I'm fine. I just need...
[muffled] Let's have a toast.
Let's have a toast, honey.
I'm sorry.
I'm really sorry.
I didn't mean to upset you.
I'm sorry.
- I'm fine.
- [pulsing]
Thank you for having me.
[Adam's mom]
You're very welcome, Macy.
We love having you.
[distorted speech]
[eerie music]
[loud cracking]
[hooves pounding]
[horse whinnying]
[Adam's mom]
a little intimidating.
[Adam]
It's an aphrodisiac, Mom?
[Macy] Yeah. Really.
- [Adam] Ooh!
- Okay.
[Adam] Mom and Dad are gonna
sort it out after dinner.
[group laughing]
[jazz music playing]
[sighing]
There is no plan B.
Plan B is death,
as far as I'm concerned.
Babe, don't let it get to you.
They're from a different planet.
Okay?
I love you.
[Gwynn]
I have a confession to make.
After dinner,
Lance and I shared a smoke.
He revealed he had taken one of
my phantom penises
earlier that day.
I was so impressed
by his valiant act,
I knighted him
right then and there.
And then this happened.
I started masturbating
at a really young age.
Once I figured it out,
I couldn't stop.
And I especially had
a thing for rubbing myself
up against household objects.
[spraying sound]
[gentle jazz playing]
I loved the kitchen table,
the stairs,
the corner of my bed.
But my absolute favorite
was the fridge door.
I used to cling on to it
like a koala bear
as the door
swung back and forth.
I think I liked
the challenge of holding on
to something really difficult
while receiving pleasure.
[Gwynn groaning]
[gasping]
My desire to be watched,
to be caught,
that's what really gets me off.
[Adam vocalizing]
My relationship with Adam
isn't dangerous enough.
It's not difficult
to hold on to.
All right, you ready?
Yeah.
- We're rolling, go for it.
- [camera beeping]
Adam Palmer, Spotlight Talent.
Be the hero of your dreams,
and sleep deep with Doze MX.
- How was it?
- Good.
Look, I'm gonna need you
to eat me out tonight
and then fuck me really hard.
And if I say no
or if I don't want to,
just do it anyways, okay?
Copy, copy that.
[Gwynn]
Great, awesome.
- You wanna go again, or...
- Yeah, I can go.
Did you like the thing
with the hiding in it?
[Gwynn] Yeah, that's great.
Good choice.
- Okay, I'll do one more time.
- [Gwynn] All right.
And it keeps going on like this.
Day in and day out.
Sometimes,
I organize the pantry.
Other days,
I get to fuck the stove.
I wonder if real life
would ever please me again.
Was Lance just a fantasy?
An escape from the times?
Or was I meant to save him,
and in turn save myself?
[Adam groaning]
Happy birthday to you
Happy birthday to you
Happy birthday,
dear Guinevere
- Happy birthday to you.
- [Adam harmonizing]
Mwah! Make a wish.
- Yay, two! Two boyfriends.
- Two boyfriends.
- Two! Yay.
- Sorry, Adam.
Okay, okay, guys.
So, little housekeeping.
I may have nibbled
on one of the pieces.
[Gwynn]
You tried my fricking cake?
I'm sorry.
- It's just, okay.
- [Gwynne] Hey!
If you would like a chill trip,
I would recommend
taking a small slice here.
Nothing too crazy,
but enough crazy.
[Gwynn]
You're already tripping.
I may be lit.
If you would like a
[gasping]
to feel like a character
in a video game,
I'd recommend
taking two or three.
Now, if you do go
down that rabbit hole,
you'll probably want to go on
an adventure and embark outside.
But if you do,
don't go by yourself.
- Take a friend.
- Buddy system.
Yes, buddy system
is now in effect, okay?
Do we have
any non-mushroom options?
[Adam]
Unfortunately, not.
Just take a small slice,
sweetie. It'll be fine.
Yeah. Happy birthday, baby.
Thank you.
- [Adam] Go.
- Okay.
See you later.
- Yeah.
- Bye, Gwynn.
Down the rabbit hole.
["Through the Gate"
by The Moonlight Years]
The river's at my back
And I don't care
Since you've come
Through the gate up to
my front door
[Adam] Have you ever done
any mirror work, Macy?
[Macy] No.
[Adam] It was
my favorite warm-up exercise
in theater school.
It's all about listening to
one another and building trust.
Don't you find no one
really listens
to each other anymore, Macy?
Like really listens?
Kind of.
Let's keep each other safe.
I'll be the leader.
And you be my mirror.
And it's all right
The river's at my back
And I don't care
Since you've come
Through the gate
up to my front door
[birds chirping]
Maybe we're
telepathically communicating.
Mm-hm. Mm. You're starting
to sound like me.
You're always in my head.
Can't get you out.
It's become physically
painful to be around you.
Like it actually hurts now.
So, there's this red chair
that I see from my alleyway.
[Lance]
Okay, tell me about the chair.
[Gwynn]
I swear it follows me.
[gentle piano music]
I've seen it move around
my entire neighborhood.
But the other night, I saw you.
You sitting there.
- [Lance] Really?
- [Gwynn] Yeah.
You know, watching me.
It's like I see you
in everything now.
On the walls and on
the surfaces of... of things.
There's a name for that.
For what?
Pareidolia.
It's like when you see
animals in the clouds,
or a face in the moon.
It's an incorrect
perception of things.
Of reality.
[Gwynne gasping]
[Gwynn] I remember
the first time I saw a ghost.
I must have
been like four years old.
It was my mother.
The stereotypical ghostly
image you'd expect to see.
Floating, wearing a long,
white, glowing gown.
Looking sorrowfully at me.
I ran right through her.
It was like running through
a sprinkler of ice-cold water.
I was really worried, because...
I thought you only saw
ghosts of dead people,
so I had to go check
if she was still alive.
Sure enough, she was.
And she was in her bed, crying.
What was wrong?
I don't know.
I was four.
What about now?
I still don't know.
But the scariest time
was when I saw my father's face.
He was lying
on the pillow beside me.
It was just his sad head.
With no body attached.
I didn't even know
what he looked like.
But I knew it was him.
That's crazy,
you never knew him.
What's the deal with your dad?
He's alive, but
he might as well be a ghost.
The ghosts of living people.
[Lance]
How did this happen?
We can't keep doing this.
[Gwynn]
What are you so afraid of?
[Lance] You.
I'm in love with you.
[medieval fanfare]
[Macy] I would be really
happy to take that on.
No, I totally have time. Um...
I do have a call this afternoon.
Um, that's okay. No, no, no.
It's not a problem.
I'll just, uh,
I'll just move that.
[Gwynn] Yes.
Oh. Can you hear me?
Am I back?
Can you hear me?
Are you... Okay.
Yeah. Uh, no, I will do it.
And, um, I can move
the call for sure.
Yeah, no problem.
Hey, Bob.
Congratulations again
on your PR.
Yeah, we're all really happy.
So we'll have...
We'll have, uh, mojitos
in a... in a few months, okay?
Okay, bye everybody.
See you later. I'll...
Yeah, okay.
[computer dinging]
[Gwynn]
Thank you.
[dinging]
Ooh. Thank you.
[purring]
[dinging]
[Macy] Hey. Can you pick up
the pizzas, please?
- The pizzas? They're ready.
- Yeah.
Now, sweetheart.
Okay.
[urine trickling]
Oh, this kitty's
ready to blast off.
- [jazz playing]
- In five, four,
- three, two, one.
- [computer dinging]
Meow.
Hello, welcome.
Welcome to the moon.
[chuckling]
We have landed.
[moaning]
Meow.
Hey.
Sorry, traffic was crazy.
Should've just
ordered in like you said.
[gentle music]
It's just some stupid thing
that she does online.
- It's nothing. It's not, it's...
- [Macy] What is it?
I don't know what...
They call it camming.
Adam and Gwynn told me about it.
Sometimes...
[Macy]
So, Adam knows about this?
[Lance]
Well, yeah, it's so stupid.
You know how they are.
They're crazy. They...
No, I don't know how they are.
What do you mean? They're always
doing weird stuff.
You want...
You didn't tell me about it.
Obviously, there's something
that is... is secret about this.
It's not that, uh, secret.
It's just I knew that
it would upset you.
That's why
I didn't want to tell you.
But it's honestly like, she's...
It's just her being silly.
I watched it, Lance.
It's not her being silly.
And I was just like,
they told me about it.
I thought it was like a joke,
so I watched it.
[Macy] It was a joke.
So she sent you that as a joke.
Is that what you're telling me?
No, she didn't send that to me.
She did not send that...
- Okay, so you did find it.
- Yeah, well, I found it...
Can you make sense
for one second, Lance?
[Lance] Yes, I found it,
but it was like an accid...
Like I wasn't looking,
like, specifically for that.
[Macy]
Are you telling me the truth?
- [Lance] Yes.
- [Macy] You came across
a website with our friend
on it naked as an accident.
[Lance]
Yes. It's not even real.
- It doesn't mean anything.
- [Macy] This is such a...
It's just
her being fucking stupid.
- [Macy] You're lying to me.
- Why am I lying?
- [Macy] Because...
- That's all there is.
[sighing]
Fuck, I'm sorry.
So you've never...
done anything else?
Yes.
[Macy] Yes?
What?
Oh, my God.
[Lance] She was the one
that was coming on to me
and she seduced me.
[Macy]
No one believes that, Lance.
I see the way
you are around her.
[Lance]
She's like that with all guys.
[Gwynn] I think I'm capable of
loving more than one person.
See, I think that two men
make the perfect man.
You know, like opposing twins,
balancing each other out.
And me, Lady Justice
in the middle.
One likes foreign films,
the other likes blockbusters.
One likes to
make love and cuddle,
the other likes to bend you over
and fuck your brains out.
Everyone needs both.
My mother would say I'm in love
with the fantasy of it all.
But the fantasy is better
than the real thing.
I played King fucking Lear
when I was 11.
Remember?
I'm just saying,
I don't want to buy into this.
You know, bananas in pajamas.
Bananas in pajamas
bull crap anymore.
I'm 33 years old, you know?
I need real, meaningful roles.
I'm talking Daniel Day,
Die Hard,
blowing your fucking mind,
Brando type shit,
you know? But...
[Adam's dad]
Absolutely, absolutely.
Just that everyone has to
pay their dues, Adam.
[Adam's mom]
It's breaking my heart.
- Mom.
- [Adam's mom] Seeing you
completely struggling like this.
I mean, don't you think
it would have happened by now?
- [Adam] Mom.
- If it was meant to be?
I mean, we... we can't
keep supporting you.
This is it.
- [Adam's dad] Well, I don't...
- You don't.
- [Adam's mom] No, no.
- You don't.
I want to wrestle
a saber-toothed tiger.
[grunting]
I want to kill a man
with my bare hands.
I want to freeze
under Antarctic ice.
I... [screeching]
Frozen, I...
I want to marry
a psychopath, you know?
[moaning]
Mom, listen.
I want to...
[hysterical laughter]
I want to be a psychopath.
I need something I can
really sink my teeth into,
like stone-cold
dramaturgy shit, you know?
When I get a role like that,
whence I get that role,
I will show you
that I'm a fucking artist.
You hear me?
I'm an artist.
I'm an artist!
Acknowledge it.
[fast-paced jazz playing]
[dog barking]
[Gwynn] Have you ever
loved someone secretly?
In your little own world,
guarded deep down
with all your guts?
Has your body ever been
a suit of armor
protecting this forbidden
love from your life?
A coma-induced love
where nothing else can exist?
This love is alone,
waiting for nothing.
It's too big, too unforgiving.
This love would hurt everyone,
so you break your own
heart instead.
[distorted brass music]
Things just got so messed up,
but we're getting there.
I mean, yeah.
We want to stay
together and make this work.
Yes. As long as, like...
As long as we can stay
away from Gwynn, we can manage.
Yeah, a little...
A little space for now,
it's... it's a good thing.
No, not for now.
Forever.
Sad thing is, I bet
she's gonna keep doing this.
To Adam. I feel sorry for him.
Hmm.
[Macy] How could
she subject herself to that?
It's disgusting and degrading.
I... I think she... she approaches
it more like a, like a,
you know, like a sexual
self-empowerment kind of thing.
Does she?
[Lance] Anyway, that's all
water under the bridge.
Macy and I are
in couples therapy.
We started
the Atkins diet this week.
Haven't had a drink
since Gwynn's birthday.
I'm down to two smokes a day,
so I think it's...
I think it's been
all for the best.
Uh-huh.
Hm.
Ah.
Lance.
Hm?
It's still early.
Oh. Hm.
Sorry. Did you...
You want to do something?
Do I want to do something?
Yeah, sorry,
it's just, I'm tired.
No, wait, we... we can.
- No, it's okay.
- Yeah.
Hey.
Good night, Lance.
[bell ringing]
[jazz music playing]
[woman]
Hi there.
[Macy] Hi. Hi.
[woman]
Can I help you find anything?
No, I... I'm okay.
Thank you.
[militaristic music
playing over jazz]
So, what the fuck is going on?
My plan wasn't
going as expected.
You tell me you love me...
Lance had been ghosting me.
I finally confronted him,
and he just gave me this
lame Pandora's box analogy.
I just watched the, uh,
the J.J. Abrams TED Talk
on his mystery box theory.
- Have you seen that?
- No.
What does that have
to do with anything?
Because he was really into
magic when he was a kid, and...
And his grandpa gave him
this... this magic kit.
It was called the mystery box.
It was like this, it's
just a box, like this plain,
this closed box with
a question mark on it.
Mm-hmm.
And... and to this day,
he's never opened it.
He believes
that keeping the box closed
is the key to
infinite possibilities.
Right.
And what's your point?
Maybe there's more magic
in the mystery of us.
Like
like the unknown possibility
of us is more special, you know?
Hm.
Maybe actually being
with me wouldn't make you happy.
Well, that's cheesy.
Also just sounds like
Abrams' fancy excuse
for not having a good
ending for Lost, but...
[ship bell tolling]
Tou tell yourself whatever
you need to believe, Lance.
You told Macy.
Didn't you?
[gentle piano music]
[intense drum music]
Adam!
Adam, I need to talk to you!
Adam, I seriously fucking
need a confessional right now.
Ugh.
Adam!
[sobbing]
[Adam] What's up?
I just feel like the more
I am myself, the more I'm alone,
and I'm too much for everybody
all the time,
and I'm not enough for myself.
[Adam] Whoa.
What are you talking about?
I don't know.
I don't know where to begin.
Beginning?
How about at the beginning?
Pranayamas, baby.
- Oh.
- Okay?
[Gwynn]
I learned how to color.
- Um...
- Totally.
Pranayamas.
Inside of the lines.
At a really young age.
Younger than most, and I was...
I was really proud of that.
And I remember
this one afternoon,
I was coloring
on my bedroom floor.
I just completed one
of my best pieces yet.
Mickey Mouse
walking his dog, Pluto.
It was fucking immaculate.
My mom, she... she applauded me.
I remember she even took
a photo for my grandmother.
I wasn't satisfied, though.
I felt agitated, like it was...
It was beautiful,
but it was so fucking boring.
Too perfect.
So, I took my blue crayon,
and I started to draw
a sky behind Mickey,
white puffy clouds
and chirping birds, a red kite.
I jammed as much as
I possibly could
onto that page,
my entire imagination.
And then I blacked out
the sky
with my black crayon,
which I never got to use.
And I turned that baby
blue vault of heaven into
a black void,
colored over everything
until all that was left was...
Mickey and Pluto's
white, beady eyes
just floating in space.
All I remember were
those white eyes
just staring back at me,
googly and dumb,
from the nothingness
that I had created.
That's your confession?
[Gwynn] No!
I haven't colored
inside the lines ever since,
and everything always
ends up a muddy fuck!
Okay!
I'm not
an artist like you, okay?
I can't channel all
this pent-up energy
and put it into
something meaningful.
I have to live with it, Adam,
and it's really not okay!
You've got your cabbages!
The cabbage art!
You've got your outlets!
That's what I'm trying to say.
Why are you freaking out?
I'm in love with Lance.
What?
Yeah.
We kissed a couple times.
When?
When we had lobster dinner
at your parents',
and then again on my birthday.
You frenched at my parents'?
Yeah.
Did anything else happen?
Gwynn?
Oh, Lance.
We can't do that. Um...
Oh, my God!
Fuck, man!
Fuck me, man!
We've been so weird lately.
He's been acting weird lately.
I knew something was up.
Why? Why would you...
Gwynn?
I heard you.
I don't know.
I've been having these, like,
inappropriate relationships
my entire life, so.
You know that
my first sexual experience
was with a man twice my age,
and I still got blamed for it?
Lolita-esque desperation.
[Gwynn] No, Adam.
Lolita had all the power.
I'm the antithesis here.
[Adam]
Yeah, nice word, babe.
[water running]
I never told you what
he said to me in that sex dream.
Yeah. Don't know
if I want to know.
He said, "Help me, Adam."
[Adam]
With what? His cock?
[Adam coughing]
[Gwynn] Okay.
I have this theory,
and I need you to listen.
[Adam] I'm all ears.
Do you know the Greek myth
about that half-man,
half-bull minotaur trapped
inside the labyrinth
on the island of Crete?
Kinda.
Really?
Okay, so Ariadne,
daughter of King Minos,
was the mistress
of this labyrinth,
and when
her only brother was killed
by the Athenians,
King Minos made a deal with
the king of Athens that
every year, every nine years
or something like that,
seven Athenian boys and girls
were to be sacrificed
and sent into this labyrinth
to... to feed the minotaur.
Now, on the third year
of this sacrifice,
the hero, Theseus,
set out to kill the beast
and end this bloody massacre
once and for all.
Go on.
[Gwynn] So, when he showed up
on the island of Crete,
he meets Ariadne,
and it's love at first sight.
[Adam]
Yeah, right.
And she vows to help him, okay?
- Okay.
- Because he needed help.
So she gives him a sword
and a magical ball of red thread
that leads him
through the labyrinth.
It was a complete success.
He killed the monster and
they fled the island together.
Happily ever after, like you and
Lance fucking in the wind.
- Fuck off.
- Mm-mm. No!
Not exactly, okay?
Theseus ditches her
on the island of Naxos.
Her knight in shining armor.
She's heartbroken,
alone, abandoned.
But then Dionysus shows up,
the god of wine,
and they fall madly in love.
And he makes
her this immortal goddess.
- [Adam] Mm, yeah.
- Yeah.
[Adam]
Holy shit! Fuck!
It's just like Lance from
the tarot cards from last week.
- [Gwynn] Yes!
- He's trapped. Mm-hmm.
[Gwynn]
And I'm his Ariadne.
I'm meant to guide him
through the labyrinth of life.
- It's a fucking metaphor.
- [Adam] And me?
I'm Dionysus,
god of wine, and a good time.
Wine god!
Fear god!
Maybe!
So, I was thinking we should
kidnap him, get him out of here.
He's too stubborn
to listen to his own heart,
so let's just,
let's just give him
no fucking choice, you know?
Well. What if
he doesn't want our help?
Everybody wants help, Adam.
[Adam] Okay.
[roaring]
Sorry.
[militaristic music]
Okay, so you want
to play hardball.
Okay.
Okay.
I've got a plan.
I can see it.
We can do this.
It's gonna be great.
So, I know what you're thinking.
Gwynn and Lance
crossed the line, right?
How could I put up with that?
How could they do this to me?
Fuck me.
Today's concept of
a monogamous family unit,
it's a very recent thing.
Within the last century,
actually.
Of course, I was upset
when they told me the news.
I hate it when
people hide things from me.
Just wish they told me earlier.
I'm not mad at them.
I don't think people should
deny their innate humanness.
Maybe
we're all born polyamorous
and it's society's programming
that has us all fooled.
Maybe we've got a lot to learn
from the nomadic Tibetan tribes,
the bonobos, even fucking
crickets, for Christ's sake.
They're the evolved ones, right?
Who's to say my
idea or concept
of a conventional family
is functional,
sustainable, or even my own?
I mean, does it work
for my parents?
Barely.
My ex-wife and I,
when we first moved in together,
our apartment had these
bright tangerine-colored walls.
The bedroom was deep crimson.
But after a few years,
we painted
everything eggshell white.
You know?
Everybody picks eggshell white.
It's banal, beige, fucking
neutral, agreeable bullshit.
It's scary
how we settle for things.
I wish I had somebody
to snap me out of my cruel
complacency back then.
Maybe I'm that guy for Lance.
[jazz instrumental]
[Lance shouting]
[Lance growling]
[Lance growling]
[Lance growling]
[Lance]
So, she's out?
- Yeah.
- Yeah.
Gwynn's out for the night.
She's just with a girlfriend.
[Lance] I'm just, I'm really
sorry. I messed up.
- Everything got...
- Yeah. Yeah, man, I know.
I know you are.
Yeah, it was...
It was stupid.
Should've never happened.
I don't think, uh
it was stupid.
I think
it happened for a reason.
[Lance]
How about you and Gwynn?
[Adam]
We're good.
- We're fine.
- [Lance] Yeah?
[Adam] Yeah.
How can I describe it?
It's been like a phoenix
rising from the ashes.
Wow. That's a...
That's a good thing?
- [Adam] Yeah. It is.
- Yeah.
[Adam] It is.
It's, like, super duper.
Super great.
Super duper.
And it's just, um,
this is gonna sound weird,
but I just,
I wish you'd be, like,
a little bit more pissed off
at me or something.
- It's like...
- Just you wait.
[playful villainous voice]
I will exact my revenge.
[both chuckling]
I'm fucking with you.
Let me get you another beer.
- No, no.
- I insist. I insist.
There's still beer in here.
Okay, well,
I'm getting another one.
Hey, I got this
new Imperial Stout.
It's fucking incredible, man.
It's a bourbon barrel aged
elixir straight from the gods.
You will love it.
It's for you.
And for me.
You're gonna like it.
Okay.
Yeah.
Cool.
Listen, I appreciate this.
Thanks.
Cheers.
- Cheers.
- To new beginnings.
[phone ringing]
[Lance] Does it ever feel like
you're living with a roommate?
Gwynn, like, she's your
she's your roommate
instead of your girlfriend?
[Adam] Yeah, I know
what you mean, yeah.
We have, yeah,
boring weeks and shit, yeah.
If that's what you mean.
No, I just mean, like
when you're with someone for
a while
and all the passion
and the spark just goes away.
Yeah, I've been there.
Maybe that's natural.
Normal.
Man.
[Lance groaning]
I feel fucking weird, man.
I gotta... I gotta smoke.
Yeah.
Take it easy, lightweight.
Whoa, watch it.
Yeah, yeah, that's my boy.
Sorry.
[Macy] Sometimes you have to
open Pandora's box
because you might be
the one trapped inside.
Hm.
Lance and I
have been intimate again,
and every time I am about
to climax,
my brain just jumps
to Gwynn's camming video.
Who would have thought
that something that...
That tore my world apart
could turn me on so much?
During our last therapy session,
it was suggested that
I am jealous of Lance
and everything that happened,
but I don't think that I am.
I think that
I'm proud of him, actually,
for going there with Gwynn.
I think it's the bravest thing
that he's ever done.
My therapist is encouraging me
to confront Gwynn
and make some kind of gesture.
Part of my healing comes
from a place of acceptance.
She makes me so nervous, though.
She always has.
She's so out there.
But she's got something
and everybody can see it
but her.
Lance. Buddy.
Babe.
Shit, I didn't think
it would work so fast.
- Is he okay?
- I don't know.
How much did you give him?
The amount you gave me?
Was that too much?
No, no, no, it's fine.
Okay, you take his feet
and I'll take his head.
Take his head?
Yeah. Wait, wait,
wait, wait, wait.
Okay, you got it?
- Yeah.
- Stupid bad idea.
- [thud]
- Shh!
Hey, go, go, go, go.
I had a feeling this
wasn't going to work.
- What are you talking about?
- This is a bad fucking idea.
- It worked, babe.
- No, I mean...
I mean this whole thing.
What is your problem?
Do you want
to help this guy or not?
I do, yeah, but...
Okay, but nothing.
We agreed to do this, so let's
get him into the car.
[engine thrumming]
[Lance exhaling]
[eerie synth music]
[Gwynn]
When the Fool card appears
in your future position,
you will traverse
the soul's domain,
far removed from the cozy
anonymity of your daily life.
Rather than resist this
irrational revel, surrender.
For he is the gatekeeper
to the collective unconscious.
[rattling]
[rattling]
[rattling]
[realtor] Obviously this has
become much more familiar...
[Macy]
If we lived here, yeah.
[distorted realtor and Macy's
voices overlapping]
[realtor] And you guys
obviously have kids?
- [Macy] No.
- [realtor] Oh.
- [Macy] Not yet, not yet, yeah.
- [realtor] Plenty of time.
[water rushing]
Cock-a-doodle-doo!
Lance, wake up!
It's way time to wake up, Lance.
What the fuck?
[Gwynn]
You may rise, Sir Lancelot.
Where are we?
The moon.
Oh, man, I...
I don't feel so good.
Pounded some serious drinks
last night, 'ey, buddy?
One small step for man,
one giant leap into
the rest of your life!
Wait, this is just
outside Charleston Lake.
- [Gwynn squealing]
- Your idea, remember?
[Lance]
No, I don't remember anything.
That's because we drugged you.
Seriously?
- So, this was your idea?
- [Adam] It was both of ours.
It's whatever, man,
we're here now.
[triumphant brassy instrumental]
[Gwynn]
There's no going back.
You seek to know
the great nothingness
that has created you.
You will
move toward a deeper state
of self-realization,
self-annihilation.
You will wake up to
the immortality of your soul.
There will be something
so familiar about this place,
like you've been here before.
[all screaming]
You will be so happy,
you could die,
and a part of you will.
[groovy instrumental]
In early dawn
Where sunlight breaks
I'll drown my fear
Where the river snakes
And in my veins, the
river drains in early dawn
The courtesan sings
In the house of the beast
Oh, she hunts you down
Youth is what she eats
I'm lost in the light
In the early dawn
Ah
When I taste her blood
In these rocky sands
And these mountains
Angering in my veins
Following the thread
and not the feature grid
Like a fool
In the unknown
[engine thrumming]
[Gwynn]
If only Eve created man.
This is as good
as it's going to get.
We're not gods,
we're only human,
created in the image and
likeness of God.
And if I want to
remember us like this,
I better run before life
creeps in and fucks it all up.
Hey!
Hey! Hey, Gwynn!
Hold on!
[Gwynn panting]
Shit, shit, shit.
[Macy] Hey!
Gwynn!
Macy, what are you doing here?
Adam told me
you guys came out here.
I think he felt guilty.
Lance is in the room.
I never got you
a birthday present.
I thought you
could use an upgrade.
[Macy panting]
I've always wanted to do that.
Circle one.
[Gwynn]
I remember that choice
made me feel
so goddamn powerful.
And I wanted to feel that way
for the rest of my life.
"Fantasy is hardly an
escape from reality.
It's a way of understanding it."
[triumphant brassy instrumental]
[phone ringing]
Hello?
[Gwynn] Sometimes I feel like
a wild animal, caged in a zoo,
held captive in a habitat made
to look and feel like my own.
I have everything that I need
in here, but nothing that I want,
and that's when
I start to make trouble.
This is my boyfriend Adam,
the artist,
the actor,
the king of our little kingdom.
We're five years in now,
and I've never felt so loved,
so bored, so horny.
Lance, Adam's best friend
and first knight,
the science teacher,
monotonizing his existence
one experiment at a time.
Fantasy is defined as the
activity of imagining things
that are impossible
or improbable.
My fantasies
are what set me free.
When the barriers dissolve
and the wild animal dreams
of life in the jungle,
only to get caught
in the circus.
Like Eve, cast out of Eden,
banned from her paradise,
my tornado swoops in,
and I'm caught in my thirties.
No career,
no children, no compass.
My only life raft,
a raging clitoris,
and men as my only motivation,
my salvation.
It's not just my crisis, it's
a global crisis, a pandemic.
My world just got
a whole lot smaller.
The question is,
can my cage become my chariot?
Can it take me to life
beyond the reverie?
[brassy fanfare]
[Gwynn] I haven't been single
since I was in grade three.
It all started
when I fell in love
with my two best friends,
Jared and Nikki.
One day, during recess,
I received my scarlet letter.
They wrote their names
in bold lettering
and asked me to circle which one
I wanted to be my boyfriend.
I remember that choice made me
feel so goddamn powerful,
and I wanted to feel that way
for the rest of my life.
Yeah, so,
you know, I chose Nikki.
Obviously.
- We were soulmates.
- Mm.
- You know?
- Mm-hmm.
He told me he waited
fuckin' lifetimes to be with me.
- Wow.
- Yeah.
- It's so deep, Macy.
- Right.
We were eight.
- Eight years old.
- That's young.
Don't get me wrong, though.
Like, I was
so attracted to Jared.
[Adam] Babe, you want beer?
You still drinking wine?
[Gwynn]
Yeah, wine.
And, you know,
I think I kind of liked him
because he looked like me.
- Oh.
- And they call this something.
I was reading
about it the other day.
- It's like a...
- [Macy] Lance probably knows.
Genetic assortative mating.
Fuck you, you smart bitch.
Fucking A, man. That's it.
Have you ever been to Greece?
[Macy] Um, no. Those are
Lance's travel destinations.
[Gwynn] Greece!
- [Lance] Uh-huh.
- [Adam] I have an idea.
So, matchbooks
are the new business cards.
There's a huge opportunity
here for sure.
- We source.
- Sell me on it. Sell me on it.
Half a dozen designs online.
And we sell them to hotels,
bars, restaurants,
salons, whatever.
We slap on the branding.
Contact info.
- And we're off to the races.
- Yeah, but,
no, there's a problem though
because nobody smokes anymore.
- Ah.
- [Gwynn] Mm-mm.
I still smoke.
You're an anomaly.
Anyways, doesn't matter.
Everyone's just wanting
to resurrect the past.
We're nostalgic for it
more than ever.
It's the mid-century
modern pandemic
that's really taken over.
[Lance]
Speaking of nostalgic...
I haven't seen one of
these things since I was a kid.
Careful, Lance.
That's my phantom cock.
Your what?
Yeah. I always
felt like I had one.
And that's it personified
in an inanimate object.
- Actually?
- [Gwynn] Uh-huh.
- [Adam] Babe.
- [Gwynn] Why?
- [Adam] Babe.
- Do you want it? Take it.
- It's yours.
- Don't, man.
That's voodoo shit right there.
No, she said it's mine.
It's all mine.
It's the ghost dick.
Hey. Hey.
- Hey.
- You okay?
- Yeah, I'm okay.
- You're just... You're quiet.
- I'm sorry.
- It's okay. It's... it's late.
Yeah.
You think that
we could maybe wrap it up soon?
Yeah. Yeah,
no, they're gonna go.
- I've talked to Adam.
- Okay. Great.
[Adam] Do you...
Do you guys want to play
a board game or something?
No, no, no, no, no, no.
Games give me anxiety. No.
I'm going for my smoke.
I'm gonna go for one.
Lance, I'd prefer if you didn't.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, I know.
It's good. Yeah.
So you really feel like
you have a ghost stick, huh?
Yeah.
[Lance]
Huh. Cool.
What am I
supposed to be seeing here?
Well, it's a little
cloudy right now, but...
I had this pointed at this
perfect semicircle of stars
called the Corona Borealis.
[Gwynn chuckling]
You actually call it that?
Yeah.
What does that mean?
It means northern crown.
It was a gift from
the Greek god, Dionysus
given to
the Cretan princess, Ariadne.
[Gwynn chuckling]
You know, your eyes are like
the world cut in half.
No.
Yeah.
You have this bluish-green
oceanic crust
around the outside.
There's a mantle ring
of fiery orange
that outlines your pupils.
[door opening]
[Adam] And that's
when I say it's story time.
What's up?
Don't you recall
when we were young lads
and we would play
under the trampoline?
[Lance laughing]
You and me fantasizing
about where we would travel
in the world.
I'm good.
My... my... my man, Lancealot.
He's got to learn
to dance a lot.
He puts his mind and body
in a trance a lot.
Then he gets his hankies
not in the right chat.
- Fuck it.
- [Adam mimicking an engine]
Yes!
[Adam beat boxing]
We're not being
too COVID safe out here, are we?
We ain't being too COVID safe.
I'm so fucking baked.
[all laughing]
That's just inappropriate.
Dude, don't pretend like
you know what you're doing.
I want a child.
- I have some.
- I want like, nine of them.
I have some.
[Macy] We have an early
morning tomorrow, Lance.
Yeah, you guys should go.
Macy was
off the hook tonight, huh?
Hm?
Yeah, I think she had
like three sparkling waters.
She's good for him, though.
[Gwynn] Can you hurry up?
You're taking forever.
[Adam vocalizing]
Deja vu.
[Gwynn]
Yeah. No shit.
Every goddamn weekend.
But we're having a good time.
Mm.
No more screens.
Just dreams.
[dramatic music]
[Gwynn panting]
[deep voice]
Gwynn...
I need your help.
- [animals vocalizing]
- [thunderous stampeding]
[narrator] After gifting him
with a white bull
that was to be
sacrificed to the gods,
Poseidon learned that
King Minos had disobeyed him,
- keeping the bull for himself.
- [flute playing]
Out of fury, Poseidon cursed
Queen Pasipha to fall in love
and fornicate with the beast,
a carnal act that resulted in
the pregnancy
and the subsequent birth
of the infamous Minotaur,
the half-bull,
half-man creature,
and Minos imprisoned him
in the labyrinth
on the island of Crete.
- M'lady.
- [Gwynn grunting]
You sure pulled the ripcord
last night, huh, bud?
Yeah.
Okay.
Bumsy bum,
everybody knows it
Bumsy bum,
everybody shows it
[Gwynn] So, I told Adam
about the dream.
He was a little
thrown off at first,
but he rarely gets jealous.
How was he?
[Gwynn]
Often makes me wonder
how much
I could really get away with.
Why?
[Gwynn]
This dream was an omen.
[Adam]
Couldn't get it up?
[Gwynn]
A call to action.
But how
was I going to help Lance?
[brassy fanfare]
[realtor]
You guys are gonna love this,
0the kitchen is this way.
- [Macy] Okay.
[realtor] It has been renovated
top to bottom.
[Macy]
Oh, my God.
[realtor] The appliances
are all still under warranty.
There's great stone countertops,
custom cabinetry,
no expense has been spared,
amazing dishwasher.
And my favorite thing
about this space
is these north-facing windows.
You get this, um...
Oh, uh, it is this one.
Obviously, this will become
much more familiar
- when you live here.
- [Macy] When we live here, yeah.
[realtor] So...
[Lance]
Macy and I met online.
We've been together
for seven years.
We're good together.
It's easy.
There's rarely any drama.
There's nothing.
[realtor] And you
guys obviously have kids?
- [Macy] No.
- [realtor] Oh.
- Not yet, not yet, yeah.
- [realtor] Plenty of time.
[Macy]
When are you due?
[realtor] Well, it's just
a couple of weeks.
[Macy]
Oh, my God.
[Lance]
She has all these plans for us.
Goals.
You're not working towards
something, what is there?
What's the point?
[realtor] I have an older one,
but I'm just, you know...
- [Macy] Oh, it's the second.
- [realtor] Oh, just as scary.
[Macy] Oh, my God.
[realtor] Yeah, just scary
the second time, I think.
I'm the kind of person
who needs restriction.
Put it on myself intentionally.
[realtor] So, do you guys
want a family?
[Macy] Well, yeah, yeah,
of course. It's in the plan.
Macy's simplicity gives me
some peace of mind.
[realtor]
and then you're like,
"Oh, no. Do I want
to have another one?"
You know, the time just
ticks on by.
[Macy] That's true.
That's a good point, yeah.
No, I... We've been wanting...
I've been wanting
to tell him, so.
Being with her has been like...
Like taking a break for myself
in a weird way.
In a good way.
[phone ringing]
- [Adam] Babe.
- [Gwynn] Huh?
Babe, your phone's ringing.
It's your mom.
[Gwynn]
Don't answer it.
[Adam]
What if it's an emergency?
It's not.
I don't understand why
you never answer your phone.
Did you fill out your EI report?
[Gwynn] Yeah.
- [phone ringing]
- Where are you going?
[Adam] For my speed walk.
Namaste, babe.
Have a good class.
I met Gwynn through her ex.
Roger and I became fast friends.
The kind you make
when you're going through
big changes in life.
For me, it was a divorce.
[Adam heaving and coughing]
At the time,
I couldn't relate to my friends
because I was
too busy reinventing myself.
That changed when I met
Roger at a warehouse party.
He was unlike anyone I knew.
And that was everything
I was looking for.
[Adam laughing]
So, Gwynn and Roger
were going through
a tough time when we met.
He would often joke around
and ask me
if I wanted to take her off
of his hands for him.
Our failed relationships
bonded us.
But then
I actually got to meet Gwynn.
And that was
the beginning of the end.
Of Roger and I's friendship,
at least.
They finally broke up
and we hooked up almost
immediately afterwards.
"You may be her new
knight in shining armor,"
Roger warned,
"but just you wait.
You'll be in my position
before you know it.
She's done this before.
She'll do it again."
I call it her Guinevere complex.
Gwynn's dad died
when she was very young.
He was a criminal
and a drug addict.
She couldn't save him.
And that really stuck with her.
So
as for her mom,
well, that's
a whole other story.
Let's just say, uh
when the umbilical cord
is stretched so far,
it begins to tear.
[doorbell ringing]
[Gwynn chuckling]
[Lance] Well, I'm gonna... I'm
gonna take one of your classes.
- [Gwynn] Mm-hmm.
- I am.
[Gwynn] Whatever, Lance. You've
been saying that for years.
No, I'm serious. Macy keeps
bugging me to do something
- about my back.
- About my back.
- [Lance] My back is fucked up.
- Well, you should, Lance.
She's a miracle worker.
She will heal your legs.
She will heal your back.
Why couldn't Macy come?
Oh, she's just...
She's just... she's just tired.
She's tired a lot, eh?
Gwynn, don't be a dick.
So, shall we
attempt going out later?
Ugh. I don't know how I feel
about drinking in
a plexiglass display case.
It just seems so starkly
futuristic and obscene.
I like being on display.
I used to pose beside
the mannequins at the mall,
you know,
in those glass storefronts.
Are strip clubs open?
Like, what's the deal there?
That's not a bad idea.
We should...
We should hit up a show.
I would love a dance,
but I don't know how it's going
to socially play out,
distance-wise.
[Gwynn laughing]
Lap dance.
What are they doing
about tipping?
- [Adam] Yeah.
- With COVID and all that.
Like, how does that work?
Yo, we should develop
a virtual tipping app.
Could work like cam sites.
- Huh?
- Hm.
- [Lance] Cam sites?
- [Adam] Mm-hmm.
[Lance]
Weren't you guys considering
doing that at one point?
[Adam] I could
never go through with it.
He couldn't get it up.
He doesn't like being watched.
I'm too traditional.
No, you're
just weird for an actor.
I'm classically trained.
I'm a thespian.
We have
a statute of limitations.
We do not raise the dinkage.
Shit.
[Lance]
What about you?
How comfortable
would you be with it?
Well, I like to be on display,
Lance, so obviously I'd love it.
[Lance]
But you haven't tried it?
- No.
- Hm.
[Gwynn]
Would you like me to?
[laughing] Do your thing.
I don't know.
It'd be
kind of fucking out there.
Lance thinks you should.
You should do it, Gwynn.
You'd get a lot of views.
- [Adam laughing]
- I swear to God.
[Adam] Lance!
[Lance and Adam laughing]
- I'm just saying.
- Lance wants you to go in.
Wow.
Yeah, you probably would
get a lot of views.
[Adam] Okay. What's up?
What's up, Lance?
- [Lance] What's up?
- What's really going on
- with you right now?
- [Lance] What do you mean?
I'm just enjoying my sushi,
drinking some beers.
- What's really on your mind?
- [Lance] Nothing.
- You sure there's no subtext?
- [Lance] Subtext?
Something in your subterranean
modular is happening.
Maybe I should give him
a tarot reading,
then we'll figure it all out.
- Absolutely.
- [Lance] Mm.
That's what you need,
is a reading into the arcane.
I'd try that out.
[Gwynn] Oh, look,
my shirt just fell off.
Uh-oh. Oh, shit.
Say tarot
and her titty pops out.
[Lance]
Wardrobe malfunction.
[Gwynn]
Your present, the moon.
See, the moon represents
our repressed innermost
thoughts of our minds,
our subconscious trying
to communicate to us
through our dreams.
It's all about embracing
our shadow selves.
[water crashing]
You are the crawdaddy
crawling out of the depths
of your psychic tides.
[echoing]
And you, you gotta break free
- and molt out of your shell.
- [shell cracking]
There are hidden truths that
are revealing themselves to you.
This is a time when
your imagination can manifest
into your physical reality.
But...
Fuck, your soul's integrity
is gonna,
it's gonna be put to the test.
And you gotta remember
the moon's light is only
a reflection of the sun's.
You know, your external world,
it... it... it might tempt
and confuse you,
so you can't mistake the
reflection for the real thing.
[wolf howling]
["Heartattack and Vine"
by Tom Waits]
The illusion can be so alluring.
So, you gotta,
you gotta proceed with caution.
You gotta trust your instincts.
Don't be fooled
by tricks of the light.
Liar, liar,
with your pants on fire
White spades hangin' on
the telephone wire
Gamblers reevaluate
along the dotted line
You'll never
recognize yourself
On heart attack and vine
Doctor, lawyer,
beggar man thief
Philly Joe remarkable
looks on in disbelief
If you want
a taste of madness
You'll have to wait in line
You'll probably
see someone you know
On heart attack and vine
Boney's high on china white,
Shorty found a punk
Don't you know
there ain't no devil left
There's just God
when he's drunk
Well, this stuff will
probably kill you
Let's do another line
What you say you meet me
Down on heart attack
and vine
See that little Jersey girl
in the see-through top
[Gwynn]
I read somewhere
that the man in the moon
was the fool.
[Gwynn howling]
Lance took the bait and I had
him exactly where I wanted him.
Look at the moon.
Let's eat the moon.
Stare up into the moon
and every time you inhale,
picture you sucking up
all of its light
through all the holes
in your body.
All the holes.
Yes.
[Lance] This is just
like Charleston Lake.
[Gwynn] Hm.
[Lance] Still need
to take you guys up there.
- [Adam] Sand dunes, right?
- [Lance] Yep.
It's like being on the moon.
- You're from there, right?
- Mm-hmm.
It's awesome up there.
My happy place.
Okay, I'm going in!
- [chuckling]
- Okay!
Well, fuck it. I think
we should run away together.
You can both be my boyfriends.
Why not, right?
I fucked Lance
in my dream last night.
Maybe it's a sign.
- Whoa, what?
- Stop it.
- [Gwynn] Yeah?
- Stop.
Uh-huh.
[air horn blowing]
[Adam]
I'm gonna pee!
[air horn blowing]
[Adam] Honky guy.
So
got any smokes
left?
Uh-huh, I think so.
- Yes, I do.
- Hm.
Let's share it.
Hm. Lucky smoke.
Make a wish.
Hm.
Hm.
Mm. Mm.
So, buddy.
You ever dream about me?
I'm not telling.
["Heartattack and Vine"
by Tom Waits]
Boney's high
on china white
Shorty found a punk
Don't you know
there ain't no devil
There's just God
when he's drunk
Well, this stuff
will probably kill you
["Vulcan" by Faberg]
[female singer vocalizing]
[second singer vocalizing]
She and I are
a lot alike
in a lot of ways.
But not in the best ways.
Sometimes, it feels
like she can
read my mind
when I'm around her, like
she can see right through me.
It's weird.
[singer vocalizing]
We have a lot of fun together.
We do.
But I
definitely need to let
the dust settle
for a few days
after I've seen her.
Gwynn and I are like
like sodium bicarbonate
and acetic acid,
baking soda and vinegar.
Put us together, it's like...
[imitating explosion]
Like a volcano erupting.
And...
I think we need
to keep it in a...
In a controlled
environment, is all.
Like...
I do think about
being with her, but I...
I can't.
I wouldn't go there.
I would never do
anything like that to Adam.
Good morning, everybody.
Today's lesson will be
on global water distribution.
[globe creaking]
[computer dinging]
[doorbell ringing]
[Gwynn] Hi.
- Whoa.
- [Gwynn] You're early.
Yeah, sorry, I...
I told Adam I'd meet him here.
Just come in,
just come in, it's fine.
I'm supposed to pick
up some groceries
- for the dinner thing tonight.
- Yeah, uh-huh.
I'm gonna go
- finish my yoga class.
- Okay.
But Adam should be back shortly.
He just had to get some
pajamas for an audition thing,
so make yourself
at home and I'll...
I'll be right back.
Okay.
[Gwynn panting and moaning]
[sighing]
Okay.
[moaning]
[Gwynn]
Careful, Lance.
That's my phantom cock.
[Gwynn moaning]
[Gwynn] Oh yeah,
what, do you wanna see?
Oh, yeah. Uh-huh.
Oh... [giggling]
Thank you, guys.
Oh, yes. Oh, yeah.
[Gwynn moaning]
Yes, okay.
Oh, my God. Oh, my God,
I can't... I need you...
I need... I'm coming...
[Gwynn screaming]
Oh, my...
That's it, yes, I'm coming...
Oh, my God, yes, I'm coming...
[Gwynn crying out]
[door opening]
- [Gwynn] Hey.
- Hey.
Can I bum a smoke?
Yeah, yeah.
Got a few there.
Thank you.
So what's, um...
What is all this?
Camming.
- Oh.
- Remember?
- Mm-hmm.
- You inspired me?
You heard me, didn't you?
No.
- Yeah, you did.
- No, I didn't.
Okay, a little bit.
Yeah?
I'm sorry, I didn't...
I don't know, it was just
- bad time to come.
- No, it's fine.
Whatever.
Just trying it out.
So far, so good, though.
- Yeah?
- Yeah.
And I have this theory about it.
What's that?
Well, do you know where
prostitution first came from?
Mm. Well, they say it's
the oldest profession.
- Mm-hmm.
- Right?
But that... this camming...
That's not prostitution, is it?
Yeah. I mean,
it's sex for money, Lance,
whether you're fucking
physically or virtually.
It's the same thing.
But do you know
about sacred prostitution?
- Mm-mm.
- [Gwynn chuckling]
Well, it's totally contradictory
to how you might think
of prostitution nowadays,
but way back in the day,
like 2,400 B.C. or something
crazy like that,
there were these women who were
worshipped in temples.
Sex was an act
of ritual back then.
- Oh.
- I mean,
fucking one of these women
was like going to church.
- Mm.
- Jesus.
So, I like to think that when
I'm putting on one of my shows,
I'm channeling
the goddess Venus.
And the site I use,
CanYouFuckMeMate,
is merely just this modern-day
platform that hosts
my love temple to the public.
CanYou...
CanYouFuckMeMate.com.
CanYouFuckMeMate, uh-huh.
That's the one.
So, apparently,
it's really hard to find
nice men's pajamas, like
something I'd actually wear.
I can't picture
you wearing pajamas.
Right?
Do you wear PJs?
Yeah.
It's healthy to sleep naked.
I don't know where
pajamas were invented,
but bad for
the ball sack, my brother.
You gotta let the balls breathe.
[Lance]
So, when's this audition?
I have to upload something
by the end of the weekend.
[Adam]
Another heartfelt submission
into the endless
cyber void of rejection
and fruitless endeavor.
[Lance]
So, why do you do it?
[Adam]
It's a disease.
Excuse me?
Six lobsters, please.
- Oh, shit.
- [Lance] Wow.
[Adam] You think my mom
would eat a whole one?
- I got this recipe online.
- [Macy] Oh.
Yeah, it called for dates,
but I didn't have any,
so I used raisins instead.
Mom, raisins are
totally different than dates.
Different consistency,
different flavor.
Well, I don't know, honey.
So, don't have any then.
[Gwynn]
It looks great.
- Thank you.
- [Adam] Just pick around it.
[medieval music playing]
So, how is it working from home?
Oh, yeah, I mean,
it's... it's fine.
I'm going into the school
two or three times a week
to record stuff,
but that's about it.
Oh, that must be really weird,
with no students there.
I mean, a bit, yeah,
but kind of getting used to it.
It's amazing how adaptable
we are as a human species.
That's true.
[Adam's mom]
Well, you know what?
I am so over it. There's...
There's something to be said
about mental health, too.
I'm still ticked
that we didn't get our refund
back on that deposit
for that cruise we booked.
- Oh, that's ridiculous.
- [Adam's mom] I know.
It's ridiculous.
Talk about first
world problems over here.
On a real note, has anyone heard
how many people died today?
No, no, no, no. I don't want
to hear anything like that.
I don't want to hear the news.
It's just too depressing.
Okay, live under a rock.
Adam, did you get that e-mail
I sent you the other day?
The, uh, the blue chip report?
[Adam]
Uh, no, didn't open it yet.
Well, uh,
any bookings this week?
[Adam] Nope.
[Adam's mom]
Well, you know what?
[Macy] Thank you.
[Adam's mom] Might be time to
figure out a plan B.
You know, a little reality
check might be good for you.
I mean, your father and I,
we didn't have anybody
- to bail us out of anything.
- [Adam] Mom, Mom. Please.
Spare me.
[Adam's dad]
Okay, but she's got a point.
[Adam]
Eating dinner, like, please.
[Adam's mom] Let's have a toast.
Let's have a toast, honey.
I'm sorry. I'm really sorry.
I didn't mean to upset you.
[Adam]
I'm fine. I just need...
[muffled] Let's have a toast.
Let's have a toast, honey.
I'm sorry.
I'm really sorry.
I didn't mean to upset you.
I'm sorry.
- I'm fine.
- [pulsing]
Thank you for having me.
[Adam's mom]
You're very welcome, Macy.
We love having you.
[distorted speech]
[eerie music]
[loud cracking]
[hooves pounding]
[horse whinnying]
[Adam's mom]
a little intimidating.
[Adam]
It's an aphrodisiac, Mom?
[Macy] Yeah. Really.
- [Adam] Ooh!
- Okay.
[Adam] Mom and Dad are gonna
sort it out after dinner.
[group laughing]
[jazz music playing]
[sighing]
There is no plan B.
Plan B is death,
as far as I'm concerned.
Babe, don't let it get to you.
They're from a different planet.
Okay?
I love you.
[Gwynn]
I have a confession to make.
After dinner,
Lance and I shared a smoke.
He revealed he had taken one of
my phantom penises
earlier that day.
I was so impressed
by his valiant act,
I knighted him
right then and there.
And then this happened.
I started masturbating
at a really young age.
Once I figured it out,
I couldn't stop.
And I especially had
a thing for rubbing myself
up against household objects.
[spraying sound]
[gentle jazz playing]
I loved the kitchen table,
the stairs,
the corner of my bed.
But my absolute favorite
was the fridge door.
I used to cling on to it
like a koala bear
as the door
swung back and forth.
I think I liked
the challenge of holding on
to something really difficult
while receiving pleasure.
[Gwynn groaning]
[gasping]
My desire to be watched,
to be caught,
that's what really gets me off.
[Adam vocalizing]
My relationship with Adam
isn't dangerous enough.
It's not difficult
to hold on to.
All right, you ready?
Yeah.
- We're rolling, go for it.
- [camera beeping]
Adam Palmer, Spotlight Talent.
Be the hero of your dreams,
and sleep deep with Doze MX.
- How was it?
- Good.
Look, I'm gonna need you
to eat me out tonight
and then fuck me really hard.
And if I say no
or if I don't want to,
just do it anyways, okay?
Copy, copy that.
[Gwynn]
Great, awesome.
- You wanna go again, or...
- Yeah, I can go.
Did you like the thing
with the hiding in it?
[Gwynn] Yeah, that's great.
Good choice.
- Okay, I'll do one more time.
- [Gwynn] All right.
And it keeps going on like this.
Day in and day out.
Sometimes,
I organize the pantry.
Other days,
I get to fuck the stove.
I wonder if real life
would ever please me again.
Was Lance just a fantasy?
An escape from the times?
Or was I meant to save him,
and in turn save myself?
[Adam groaning]
Happy birthday to you
Happy birthday to you
Happy birthday,
dear Guinevere
- Happy birthday to you.
- [Adam harmonizing]
Mwah! Make a wish.
- Yay, two! Two boyfriends.
- Two boyfriends.
- Two! Yay.
- Sorry, Adam.
Okay, okay, guys.
So, little housekeeping.
I may have nibbled
on one of the pieces.
[Gwynn]
You tried my fricking cake?
I'm sorry.
- It's just, okay.
- [Gwynne] Hey!
If you would like a chill trip,
I would recommend
taking a small slice here.
Nothing too crazy,
but enough crazy.
[Gwynn]
You're already tripping.
I may be lit.
If you would like a
[gasping]
to feel like a character
in a video game,
I'd recommend
taking two or three.
Now, if you do go
down that rabbit hole,
you'll probably want to go on
an adventure and embark outside.
But if you do,
don't go by yourself.
- Take a friend.
- Buddy system.
Yes, buddy system
is now in effect, okay?
Do we have
any non-mushroom options?
[Adam]
Unfortunately, not.
Just take a small slice,
sweetie. It'll be fine.
Yeah. Happy birthday, baby.
Thank you.
- [Adam] Go.
- Okay.
See you later.
- Yeah.
- Bye, Gwynn.
Down the rabbit hole.
["Through the Gate"
by The Moonlight Years]
The river's at my back
And I don't care
Since you've come
Through the gate up to
my front door
[Adam] Have you ever done
any mirror work, Macy?
[Macy] No.
[Adam] It was
my favorite warm-up exercise
in theater school.
It's all about listening to
one another and building trust.
Don't you find no one
really listens
to each other anymore, Macy?
Like really listens?
Kind of.
Let's keep each other safe.
I'll be the leader.
And you be my mirror.
And it's all right
The river's at my back
And I don't care
Since you've come
Through the gate
up to my front door
[birds chirping]
Maybe we're
telepathically communicating.
Mm-hm. Mm. You're starting
to sound like me.
You're always in my head.
Can't get you out.
It's become physically
painful to be around you.
Like it actually hurts now.
So, there's this red chair
that I see from my alleyway.
[Lance]
Okay, tell me about the chair.
[Gwynn]
I swear it follows me.
[gentle piano music]
I've seen it move around
my entire neighborhood.
But the other night, I saw you.
You sitting there.
- [Lance] Really?
- [Gwynn] Yeah.
You know, watching me.
It's like I see you
in everything now.
On the walls and on
the surfaces of... of things.
There's a name for that.
For what?
Pareidolia.
It's like when you see
animals in the clouds,
or a face in the moon.
It's an incorrect
perception of things.
Of reality.
[Gwynne gasping]
[Gwynn] I remember
the first time I saw a ghost.
I must have
been like four years old.
It was my mother.
The stereotypical ghostly
image you'd expect to see.
Floating, wearing a long,
white, glowing gown.
Looking sorrowfully at me.
I ran right through her.
It was like running through
a sprinkler of ice-cold water.
I was really worried, because...
I thought you only saw
ghosts of dead people,
so I had to go check
if she was still alive.
Sure enough, she was.
And she was in her bed, crying.
What was wrong?
I don't know.
I was four.
What about now?
I still don't know.
But the scariest time
was when I saw my father's face.
He was lying
on the pillow beside me.
It was just his sad head.
With no body attached.
I didn't even know
what he looked like.
But I knew it was him.
That's crazy,
you never knew him.
What's the deal with your dad?
He's alive, but
he might as well be a ghost.
The ghosts of living people.
[Lance]
How did this happen?
We can't keep doing this.
[Gwynn]
What are you so afraid of?
[Lance] You.
I'm in love with you.
[medieval fanfare]
[Macy] I would be really
happy to take that on.
No, I totally have time. Um...
I do have a call this afternoon.
Um, that's okay. No, no, no.
It's not a problem.
I'll just, uh,
I'll just move that.
[Gwynn] Yes.
Oh. Can you hear me?
Am I back?
Can you hear me?
Are you... Okay.
Yeah. Uh, no, I will do it.
And, um, I can move
the call for sure.
Yeah, no problem.
Hey, Bob.
Congratulations again
on your PR.
Yeah, we're all really happy.
So we'll have...
We'll have, uh, mojitos
in a... in a few months, okay?
Okay, bye everybody.
See you later. I'll...
Yeah, okay.
[computer dinging]
[Gwynn]
Thank you.
[dinging]
Ooh. Thank you.
[purring]
[dinging]
[Macy] Hey. Can you pick up
the pizzas, please?
- The pizzas? They're ready.
- Yeah.
Now, sweetheart.
Okay.
[urine trickling]
Oh, this kitty's
ready to blast off.
- [jazz playing]
- In five, four,
- three, two, one.
- [computer dinging]
Meow.
Hello, welcome.
Welcome to the moon.
[chuckling]
We have landed.
[moaning]
Meow.
Hey.
Sorry, traffic was crazy.
Should've just
ordered in like you said.
[gentle music]
It's just some stupid thing
that she does online.
- It's nothing. It's not, it's...
- [Macy] What is it?
I don't know what...
They call it camming.
Adam and Gwynn told me about it.
Sometimes...
[Macy]
So, Adam knows about this?
[Lance]
Well, yeah, it's so stupid.
You know how they are.
They're crazy. They...
No, I don't know how they are.
What do you mean? They're always
doing weird stuff.
You want...
You didn't tell me about it.
Obviously, there's something
that is... is secret about this.
It's not that, uh, secret.
It's just I knew that
it would upset you.
That's why
I didn't want to tell you.
But it's honestly like, she's...
It's just her being silly.
I watched it, Lance.
It's not her being silly.
And I was just like,
they told me about it.
I thought it was like a joke,
so I watched it.
[Macy] It was a joke.
So she sent you that as a joke.
Is that what you're telling me?
No, she didn't send that to me.
She did not send that...
- Okay, so you did find it.
- Yeah, well, I found it...
Can you make sense
for one second, Lance?
[Lance] Yes, I found it,
but it was like an accid...
Like I wasn't looking,
like, specifically for that.
[Macy]
Are you telling me the truth?
- [Lance] Yes.
- [Macy] You came across
a website with our friend
on it naked as an accident.
[Lance]
Yes. It's not even real.
- It doesn't mean anything.
- [Macy] This is such a...
It's just
her being fucking stupid.
- [Macy] You're lying to me.
- Why am I lying?
- [Macy] Because...
- That's all there is.
[sighing]
Fuck, I'm sorry.
So you've never...
done anything else?
Yes.
[Macy] Yes?
What?
Oh, my God.
[Lance] She was the one
that was coming on to me
and she seduced me.
[Macy]
No one believes that, Lance.
I see the way
you are around her.
[Lance]
She's like that with all guys.
[Gwynn] I think I'm capable of
loving more than one person.
See, I think that two men
make the perfect man.
You know, like opposing twins,
balancing each other out.
And me, Lady Justice
in the middle.
One likes foreign films,
the other likes blockbusters.
One likes to
make love and cuddle,
the other likes to bend you over
and fuck your brains out.
Everyone needs both.
My mother would say I'm in love
with the fantasy of it all.
But the fantasy is better
than the real thing.
I played King fucking Lear
when I was 11.
Remember?
I'm just saying,
I don't want to buy into this.
You know, bananas in pajamas.
Bananas in pajamas
bull crap anymore.
I'm 33 years old, you know?
I need real, meaningful roles.
I'm talking Daniel Day,
Die Hard,
blowing your fucking mind,
Brando type shit,
you know? But...
[Adam's dad]
Absolutely, absolutely.
Just that everyone has to
pay their dues, Adam.
[Adam's mom]
It's breaking my heart.
- Mom.
- [Adam's mom] Seeing you
completely struggling like this.
I mean, don't you think
it would have happened by now?
- [Adam] Mom.
- If it was meant to be?
I mean, we... we can't
keep supporting you.
This is it.
- [Adam's dad] Well, I don't...
- You don't.
- [Adam's mom] No, no.
- You don't.
I want to wrestle
a saber-toothed tiger.
[grunting]
I want to kill a man
with my bare hands.
I want to freeze
under Antarctic ice.
I... [screeching]
Frozen, I...
I want to marry
a psychopath, you know?
[moaning]
Mom, listen.
I want to...
[hysterical laughter]
I want to be a psychopath.
I need something I can
really sink my teeth into,
like stone-cold
dramaturgy shit, you know?
When I get a role like that,
whence I get that role,
I will show you
that I'm a fucking artist.
You hear me?
I'm an artist.
I'm an artist!
Acknowledge it.
[fast-paced jazz playing]
[dog barking]
[Gwynn] Have you ever
loved someone secretly?
In your little own world,
guarded deep down
with all your guts?
Has your body ever been
a suit of armor
protecting this forbidden
love from your life?
A coma-induced love
where nothing else can exist?
This love is alone,
waiting for nothing.
It's too big, too unforgiving.
This love would hurt everyone,
so you break your own
heart instead.
[distorted brass music]
Things just got so messed up,
but we're getting there.
I mean, yeah.
We want to stay
together and make this work.
Yes. As long as, like...
As long as we can stay
away from Gwynn, we can manage.
Yeah, a little...
A little space for now,
it's... it's a good thing.
No, not for now.
Forever.
Sad thing is, I bet
she's gonna keep doing this.
To Adam. I feel sorry for him.
Hmm.
[Macy] How could
she subject herself to that?
It's disgusting and degrading.
I... I think she... she approaches
it more like a, like a,
you know, like a sexual
self-empowerment kind of thing.
Does she?
[Lance] Anyway, that's all
water under the bridge.
Macy and I are
in couples therapy.
We started
the Atkins diet this week.
Haven't had a drink
since Gwynn's birthday.
I'm down to two smokes a day,
so I think it's...
I think it's been
all for the best.
Uh-huh.
Hm.
Ah.
Lance.
Hm?
It's still early.
Oh. Hm.
Sorry. Did you...
You want to do something?
Do I want to do something?
Yeah, sorry,
it's just, I'm tired.
No, wait, we... we can.
- No, it's okay.
- Yeah.
Hey.
Good night, Lance.
[bell ringing]
[jazz music playing]
[woman]
Hi there.
[Macy] Hi. Hi.
[woman]
Can I help you find anything?
No, I... I'm okay.
Thank you.
[militaristic music
playing over jazz]
So, what the fuck is going on?
My plan wasn't
going as expected.
You tell me you love me...
Lance had been ghosting me.
I finally confronted him,
and he just gave me this
lame Pandora's box analogy.
I just watched the, uh,
the J.J. Abrams TED Talk
on his mystery box theory.
- Have you seen that?
- No.
What does that have
to do with anything?
Because he was really into
magic when he was a kid, and...
And his grandpa gave him
this... this magic kit.
It was called the mystery box.
It was like this, it's
just a box, like this plain,
this closed box with
a question mark on it.
Mm-hmm.
And... and to this day,
he's never opened it.
He believes
that keeping the box closed
is the key to
infinite possibilities.
Right.
And what's your point?
Maybe there's more magic
in the mystery of us.
Like
like the unknown possibility
of us is more special, you know?
Hm.
Maybe actually being
with me wouldn't make you happy.
Well, that's cheesy.
Also just sounds like
Abrams' fancy excuse
for not having a good
ending for Lost, but...
[ship bell tolling]
Tou tell yourself whatever
you need to believe, Lance.
You told Macy.
Didn't you?
[gentle piano music]
[intense drum music]
Adam!
Adam, I need to talk to you!
Adam, I seriously fucking
need a confessional right now.
Ugh.
Adam!
[sobbing]
[Adam] What's up?
I just feel like the more
I am myself, the more I'm alone,
and I'm too much for everybody
all the time,
and I'm not enough for myself.
[Adam] Whoa.
What are you talking about?
I don't know.
I don't know where to begin.
Beginning?
How about at the beginning?
Pranayamas, baby.
- Oh.
- Okay?
[Gwynn]
I learned how to color.
- Um...
- Totally.
Pranayamas.
Inside of the lines.
At a really young age.
Younger than most, and I was...
I was really proud of that.
And I remember
this one afternoon,
I was coloring
on my bedroom floor.
I just completed one
of my best pieces yet.
Mickey Mouse
walking his dog, Pluto.
It was fucking immaculate.
My mom, she... she applauded me.
I remember she even took
a photo for my grandmother.
I wasn't satisfied, though.
I felt agitated, like it was...
It was beautiful,
but it was so fucking boring.
Too perfect.
So, I took my blue crayon,
and I started to draw
a sky behind Mickey,
white puffy clouds
and chirping birds, a red kite.
I jammed as much as
I possibly could
onto that page,
my entire imagination.
And then I blacked out
the sky
with my black crayon,
which I never got to use.
And I turned that baby
blue vault of heaven into
a black void,
colored over everything
until all that was left was...
Mickey and Pluto's
white, beady eyes
just floating in space.
All I remember were
those white eyes
just staring back at me,
googly and dumb,
from the nothingness
that I had created.
That's your confession?
[Gwynn] No!
I haven't colored
inside the lines ever since,
and everything always
ends up a muddy fuck!
Okay!
I'm not
an artist like you, okay?
I can't channel all
this pent-up energy
and put it into
something meaningful.
I have to live with it, Adam,
and it's really not okay!
You've got your cabbages!
The cabbage art!
You've got your outlets!
That's what I'm trying to say.
Why are you freaking out?
I'm in love with Lance.
What?
Yeah.
We kissed a couple times.
When?
When we had lobster dinner
at your parents',
and then again on my birthday.
You frenched at my parents'?
Yeah.
Did anything else happen?
Gwynn?
Oh, Lance.
We can't do that. Um...
Oh, my God!
Fuck, man!
Fuck me, man!
We've been so weird lately.
He's been acting weird lately.
I knew something was up.
Why? Why would you...
Gwynn?
I heard you.
I don't know.
I've been having these, like,
inappropriate relationships
my entire life, so.
You know that
my first sexual experience
was with a man twice my age,
and I still got blamed for it?
Lolita-esque desperation.
[Gwynn] No, Adam.
Lolita had all the power.
I'm the antithesis here.
[Adam]
Yeah, nice word, babe.
[water running]
I never told you what
he said to me in that sex dream.
Yeah. Don't know
if I want to know.
He said, "Help me, Adam."
[Adam]
With what? His cock?
[Adam coughing]
[Gwynn] Okay.
I have this theory,
and I need you to listen.
[Adam] I'm all ears.
Do you know the Greek myth
about that half-man,
half-bull minotaur trapped
inside the labyrinth
on the island of Crete?
Kinda.
Really?
Okay, so Ariadne,
daughter of King Minos,
was the mistress
of this labyrinth,
and when
her only brother was killed
by the Athenians,
King Minos made a deal with
the king of Athens that
every year, every nine years
or something like that,
seven Athenian boys and girls
were to be sacrificed
and sent into this labyrinth
to... to feed the minotaur.
Now, on the third year
of this sacrifice,
the hero, Theseus,
set out to kill the beast
and end this bloody massacre
once and for all.
Go on.
[Gwynn] So, when he showed up
on the island of Crete,
he meets Ariadne,
and it's love at first sight.
[Adam]
Yeah, right.
And she vows to help him, okay?
- Okay.
- Because he needed help.
So she gives him a sword
and a magical ball of red thread
that leads him
through the labyrinth.
It was a complete success.
He killed the monster and
they fled the island together.
Happily ever after, like you and
Lance fucking in the wind.
- Fuck off.
- Mm-mm. No!
Not exactly, okay?
Theseus ditches her
on the island of Naxos.
Her knight in shining armor.
She's heartbroken,
alone, abandoned.
But then Dionysus shows up,
the god of wine,
and they fall madly in love.
And he makes
her this immortal goddess.
- [Adam] Mm, yeah.
- Yeah.
[Adam]
Holy shit! Fuck!
It's just like Lance from
the tarot cards from last week.
- [Gwynn] Yes!
- He's trapped. Mm-hmm.
[Gwynn]
And I'm his Ariadne.
I'm meant to guide him
through the labyrinth of life.
- It's a fucking metaphor.
- [Adam] And me?
I'm Dionysus,
god of wine, and a good time.
Wine god!
Fear god!
Maybe!
So, I was thinking we should
kidnap him, get him out of here.
He's too stubborn
to listen to his own heart,
so let's just,
let's just give him
no fucking choice, you know?
Well. What if
he doesn't want our help?
Everybody wants help, Adam.
[Adam] Okay.
[roaring]
Sorry.
[militaristic music]
Okay, so you want
to play hardball.
Okay.
Okay.
I've got a plan.
I can see it.
We can do this.
It's gonna be great.
So, I know what you're thinking.
Gwynn and Lance
crossed the line, right?
How could I put up with that?
How could they do this to me?
Fuck me.
Today's concept of
a monogamous family unit,
it's a very recent thing.
Within the last century,
actually.
Of course, I was upset
when they told me the news.
I hate it when
people hide things from me.
Just wish they told me earlier.
I'm not mad at them.
I don't think people should
deny their innate humanness.
Maybe
we're all born polyamorous
and it's society's programming
that has us all fooled.
Maybe we've got a lot to learn
from the nomadic Tibetan tribes,
the bonobos, even fucking
crickets, for Christ's sake.
They're the evolved ones, right?
Who's to say my
idea or concept
of a conventional family
is functional,
sustainable, or even my own?
I mean, does it work
for my parents?
Barely.
My ex-wife and I,
when we first moved in together,
our apartment had these
bright tangerine-colored walls.
The bedroom was deep crimson.
But after a few years,
we painted
everything eggshell white.
You know?
Everybody picks eggshell white.
It's banal, beige, fucking
neutral, agreeable bullshit.
It's scary
how we settle for things.
I wish I had somebody
to snap me out of my cruel
complacency back then.
Maybe I'm that guy for Lance.
[jazz instrumental]
[Lance shouting]
[Lance growling]
[Lance growling]
[Lance growling]
[Lance]
So, she's out?
- Yeah.
- Yeah.
Gwynn's out for the night.
She's just with a girlfriend.
[Lance] I'm just, I'm really
sorry. I messed up.
- Everything got...
- Yeah. Yeah, man, I know.
I know you are.
Yeah, it was...
It was stupid.
Should've never happened.
I don't think, uh
it was stupid.
I think
it happened for a reason.
[Lance]
How about you and Gwynn?
[Adam]
We're good.
- We're fine.
- [Lance] Yeah?
[Adam] Yeah.
How can I describe it?
It's been like a phoenix
rising from the ashes.
Wow. That's a...
That's a good thing?
- [Adam] Yeah. It is.
- Yeah.
[Adam] It is.
It's, like, super duper.
Super great.
Super duper.
And it's just, um,
this is gonna sound weird,
but I just,
I wish you'd be, like,
a little bit more pissed off
at me or something.
- It's like...
- Just you wait.
[playful villainous voice]
I will exact my revenge.
[both chuckling]
I'm fucking with you.
Let me get you another beer.
- No, no.
- I insist. I insist.
There's still beer in here.
Okay, well,
I'm getting another one.
Hey, I got this
new Imperial Stout.
It's fucking incredible, man.
It's a bourbon barrel aged
elixir straight from the gods.
You will love it.
It's for you.
And for me.
You're gonna like it.
Okay.
Yeah.
Cool.
Listen, I appreciate this.
Thanks.
Cheers.
- Cheers.
- To new beginnings.
[phone ringing]
[Lance] Does it ever feel like
you're living with a roommate?
Gwynn, like, she's your
she's your roommate
instead of your girlfriend?
[Adam] Yeah, I know
what you mean, yeah.
We have, yeah,
boring weeks and shit, yeah.
If that's what you mean.
No, I just mean, like
when you're with someone for
a while
and all the passion
and the spark just goes away.
Yeah, I've been there.
Maybe that's natural.
Normal.
Man.
[Lance groaning]
I feel fucking weird, man.
I gotta... I gotta smoke.
Yeah.
Take it easy, lightweight.
Whoa, watch it.
Yeah, yeah, that's my boy.
Sorry.
[Macy] Sometimes you have to
open Pandora's box
because you might be
the one trapped inside.
Hm.
Lance and I
have been intimate again,
and every time I am about
to climax,
my brain just jumps
to Gwynn's camming video.
Who would have thought
that something that...
That tore my world apart
could turn me on so much?
During our last therapy session,
it was suggested that
I am jealous of Lance
and everything that happened,
but I don't think that I am.
I think that
I'm proud of him, actually,
for going there with Gwynn.
I think it's the bravest thing
that he's ever done.
My therapist is encouraging me
to confront Gwynn
and make some kind of gesture.
Part of my healing comes
from a place of acceptance.
She makes me so nervous, though.
She always has.
She's so out there.
But she's got something
and everybody can see it
but her.
Lance. Buddy.
Babe.
Shit, I didn't think
it would work so fast.
- Is he okay?
- I don't know.
How much did you give him?
The amount you gave me?
Was that too much?
No, no, no, it's fine.
Okay, you take his feet
and I'll take his head.
Take his head?
Yeah. Wait, wait,
wait, wait, wait.
Okay, you got it?
- Yeah.
- Stupid bad idea.
- [thud]
- Shh!
Hey, go, go, go, go.
I had a feeling this
wasn't going to work.
- What are you talking about?
- This is a bad fucking idea.
- It worked, babe.
- No, I mean...
I mean this whole thing.
What is your problem?
Do you want
to help this guy or not?
I do, yeah, but...
Okay, but nothing.
We agreed to do this, so let's
get him into the car.
[engine thrumming]
[Lance exhaling]
[eerie synth music]
[Gwynn]
When the Fool card appears
in your future position,
you will traverse
the soul's domain,
far removed from the cozy
anonymity of your daily life.
Rather than resist this
irrational revel, surrender.
For he is the gatekeeper
to the collective unconscious.
[rattling]
[rattling]
[rattling]
[realtor] Obviously this has
become much more familiar...
[Macy]
If we lived here, yeah.
[distorted realtor and Macy's
voices overlapping]
[realtor] And you guys
obviously have kids?
- [Macy] No.
- [realtor] Oh.
- [Macy] Not yet, not yet, yeah.
- [realtor] Plenty of time.
[water rushing]
Cock-a-doodle-doo!
Lance, wake up!
It's way time to wake up, Lance.
What the fuck?
[Gwynn]
You may rise, Sir Lancelot.
Where are we?
The moon.
Oh, man, I...
I don't feel so good.
Pounded some serious drinks
last night, 'ey, buddy?
One small step for man,
one giant leap into
the rest of your life!
Wait, this is just
outside Charleston Lake.
- [Gwynn squealing]
- Your idea, remember?
[Lance]
No, I don't remember anything.
That's because we drugged you.
Seriously?
- So, this was your idea?
- [Adam] It was both of ours.
It's whatever, man,
we're here now.
[triumphant brassy instrumental]
[Gwynn]
There's no going back.
You seek to know
the great nothingness
that has created you.
You will
move toward a deeper state
of self-realization,
self-annihilation.
You will wake up to
the immortality of your soul.
There will be something
so familiar about this place,
like you've been here before.
[all screaming]
You will be so happy,
you could die,
and a part of you will.
[groovy instrumental]
In early dawn
Where sunlight breaks
I'll drown my fear
Where the river snakes
And in my veins, the
river drains in early dawn
The courtesan sings
In the house of the beast
Oh, she hunts you down
Youth is what she eats
I'm lost in the light
In the early dawn
Ah
When I taste her blood
In these rocky sands
And these mountains
Angering in my veins
Following the thread
and not the feature grid
Like a fool
In the unknown
[engine thrumming]
[Gwynn]
If only Eve created man.
This is as good
as it's going to get.
We're not gods,
we're only human,
created in the image and
likeness of God.
And if I want to
remember us like this,
I better run before life
creeps in and fucks it all up.
Hey!
Hey! Hey, Gwynn!
Hold on!
[Gwynn panting]
Shit, shit, shit.
[Macy] Hey!
Gwynn!
Macy, what are you doing here?
Adam told me
you guys came out here.
I think he felt guilty.
Lance is in the room.
I never got you
a birthday present.
I thought you
could use an upgrade.
[Macy panting]
I've always wanted to do that.
Circle one.
[Gwynn]
I remember that choice
made me feel
so goddamn powerful.
And I wanted to feel that way
for the rest of my life.
"Fantasy is hardly an
escape from reality.
It's a way of understanding it."
[triumphant brassy instrumental]
[phone ringing]
Hello?