Creepshow III (2006) Movie Script

That's my other line.
I'll call you back later.
- All right.
- Jerry, can you see my hair?
Hey, can you pick me up later?
I need to go to the mall.
I need those shoes
we saw yesterday.
I can't. I'm picking up
Yanin from ballet.
Yamil, why can't
Yustin pick her up?
He has baseball practice.
Why don't you go yourself?
Because I'm still not
allowed near the car.
Oh, yeah, that's right.
That stop sign
was in the wrong place.
What is he wearing?
- Who?
- The weirdo on 25.
Professor Dayton?
My dad says he's a genius.
He gives me the creeps.
I'm walking away.
Excuse me,
Mr. Mailman?
I can not wait to move out
of this neighborhood.
- I know, right?
- Hi, sir. How are you today?
How am I?
Hang on, cute guy alert.
What? Who? Where?
Give me all the details.
Where's he at?
Fat Joe's.
Must be a cousin.
It's a package.
I've been waiting for weeks
for a package.
It's about this big.
Why don't you go back
to your computer, you geek?
Oh. I cannot wait to move out
of this neighborhood.
You already said that.
Oh, that's my mom calling.
I gotta go.
Come rescue me, please?
Okay, I'll call you at home.
Okay? Bye.
What matters is
I've been waiting weeks
for a package
that looks just like that!
I really hate
this neighborhood.
Aren't you going
to say hello, Alice?
What's that, Dad?
Oh, it's
a universal remote.
It's supposed to
control everything.
I picked it up
from a street vendor.
Looks like one of
the professor's gadgets.
Maybe I should
show it to him.
- That creep across the street?
- Alice.
Don't talk about him
like that, Alice.
He's a very
intelligent man.
- Whatever.
- Young lady,
you're gonna wash your
hands and come back down.
Dinner is almost ready.
She can't eat,
she's on a diet.
He's eavesdropping on me.
Mom, tell him to stop.
Because she's fat.
Lewis, say something.
What diet?
What fat?
Hey, didn't we have a talk
about listening in
on other people's
I wasn't.
We'll talk after dinner.
Now do as I say.
She's too skinny.
She'll never find a husband.
She has no ass.
- Is that how a dean talks?
- I'm off-duty.
What's so funny about
not having an ass?
An ass is more
important than tits.
Tits are for amateurs.
Please tell me I'm adopted.
If I understand this setting,
this button controls
the color and hue settings.
- Hello.
- Hey, girl, it's me.
I'm an amateur.
Tell me you dumped
the little brat
and we're going
to the mall.
Dad, there's something
wrong with the phone.
Come out now.
You're not funny.
Are you still
with us, Alice?
Young lady, you're going to wash
your hands and come back down.
Dinner's almost ready.
- What's going on?
- She can't eat. She's on a diet.
Because she's fat.
Lewis, say something.
What? Who's fat?
Didn't we have a talk about listening
to other people's conversations?
I wasn't.
Honey... you be quiet.
We'll talk after dinner.
Now do as I say.
She's too skinny.
She'll never find a husband.
She has no ass.
Mom, shame on you.
I think this one's
The remote.
The remote.
Sir? Dad? Seor?
Please don't
touch that thing.
Don't touch.
Hey, Professor Dayton!
Professor Dayton!
Wait! No!
Professor Dayton!
Professor Dayton, wait!
I get it about the ball!
I won't throw it again.
You can stop now.
I really hate
this neighborhood.
Professor Dayton!
Professor Dayton!
I only know her number
on speed dial.
- Hello?
- 911, what is your emergency?
Please, you have to help me.
- Hello? Send somebody.
- Hello? Someone there?
He's getting married?
That's fucked up.
Delivery for Professor...
Are you supposed
to be here, miss?
Oh my God.
You have to help me.
Hold on, I'll be
right back, okay?
Hold on.
What a weird looking remote.
So far it doesn't do much.
Can't even change the channels.
Take it to the professor.
It was a five-mile walk
to the nearest TV set,
barefoot in the winter.
And we all knew
the piano player
with the candelabra
was a pansy.
Just like your Uncle Brett.
What a faggot he was.
Work, damn it.
Good going, Dad.
You just turned off the TV set.
Mom, it's me!
It's Alice!
It's me!
Grab the gun, Lewis!
- Grab it!
- Dad, hurry!
Hello, Alice.
Isn't the detective's
gadget a riot?
Grab your gun!
Shoot the damn
thing already!
Please, I just
want to be normal.
But you already are, Alice.
This is who you are.
Professor, don't go
near that thing!
It's all right,
Detective Jacobs.
This sweet little thing
is completely harmless.
What is it?
It's a rabbit, of course.
Oh, it is...
it is a rabbit.
what's his name?
Her name is Alice.
You bad girl,
chewing through
your cage like that.
I've been looking
all over for you.
Oh, look what I've got.
Your favorite toy.
What a character.
What a pretty name.
I ain't playing with you.
Get in that damn street
and make my fucking money!
Is there a problem?
- I said, is there a fucking problem?
- No, no problem.
Damn right there ain't
no fucking problem.
Hey, man.
Hey, listen.
Hey, you looking
for some companionship?
- No thanks.
- No, man, I can set you up.
- I've seen you lookin', man.
- I'm good.
Come on, man.
Whatever you want.
Where are you?
Hey, bitch!
You got a permit
to work my building?
What the hell?
Hey, Jerry.
Get your ass down here.
I'm coming.
Bye, Jerry.
I'm coming.
Oh, man. Fuck.
... and now a foul
call against Martinez.
Damn it.
God damn it.
- Yo, yo!
- Got change?
Come on, young man,
buy something!
- Fuck you.
- Buy something.
Oh, take a look.
Take a look.
it's a nice radio.
- Yo, yo.
- Lady, lady, lady.
See anything you like?
Got a crystal ball.
Book on voodoo.
Anybody piss you off lately?
I don't read much.
What do you want for the radio?
Radio with the antenna...
$5 going with
the antenna.
Without the antenna...
without the antenna,
is $10.
Why is the one
with the antenna less?
Less radio.
All you need is duct tape
and a piece of wire.
Make an antenna.
I'll go less radio
more antenna.
Give me the money.
Give me the money.
Keep the change.
Fuck you too!
Yeah, yeah.
What a smart-ass
he was.
Somebody buy something!
Come on!
Oh no, no, no, no.
Oh, come on.
Of course.
Why wouldn't you do that?
Thank you.
You motherfucker.
- Stop that.
- Whoa! Jesus!
I said don't.
You'll like the song.
You're getting water
on the floor.
Oh, shit.
Dry yourself off.
In the bathroom, Jerry.
And, Jerry,
put some clothes on.
- Well?
- What?
Isn't it better now
that it's clean in here?
I guess.
You guess?
You're not sure?
It's better.
Are you hungry?
- I guess so.
- Are you hungry or not?
- I am.
- Then make dinner.
All right.
It's too hot for soup.
Make a sandwich.
I'm just looking
out for you, Jerry.
I promise.
Do you want one?
Don't be ridiculous.
Don't use so
much mayonnaise.
It always gives
you a tummy ache.
You wanna put some
money in tech stocks.
They'll never go away.
But the important
thing is to diversify.
Right, diversify.
I'll need more
money though.
You'll have it.
Yeah, Eddie, Eddie,
listen to me, baby.
You're gonna love this.
It's a new reality series...
"Home Invasion. "
We break into their homes,
they don't even know
it's really us,
we beat the crap
out of the family!
- Right, we get the cameras 24/7.
- Sir, sir,
this is a handicapped spot.
Three-camera shoot.
They're gonna love it.
Yeah, they're
gonna love it.
I hate this guy.
You say something?
I was just taking
out the trash.
Fuck you.
I'm coming! Fuck!
Say hi to your
little friend, Jerry.
Hi, Jerry.
Nice job, Jerry.
Let me in!
You ain't got
shit without me.
I'll fucking kill you!
What are we gonna do about
all that banging, Jerry?
Tell her to knock it off.
- Ronald!
- Knock it off!
Let's go.
And get a flashlight.
- Don't be seen.
- Got it.
What do you see,
- I'm looking.
- Don't look yet.
Just see.
I see a clothesline,
some garbage,
box spring,
Mandy drunk,
passed out again.
I see a stairwell leading
to a fire escape.
Look at the stairs.
Looks like a bunch of people threw
a bunch of shit down here.
- Look again.
- I'm looking.
This looks intentional.
Keep climbing, Jerry.
I'm climbing.
Keep climbing.
Keep climbing, Jerry.
- Up there?
- Yes, up there.
Well, what are
you waiting for?
Up there?
It doesn't look safe.
Are you afraid, Jerry?
- No.
- Well then, let's go.
All right.
It's all right.
Now get the flashlight.
And watch out
for more cats.
- Fuck, man!
- It's only
a dead squirrel, Jerry.
That thing is huge.
- Next time you see one, kill it.
- Fine.
What'll you do when
you see another one?
- Kill the little fucker.
- That's right.
Now breathe, Jerry.
Now get your flashlight
and let's try again.
I told you
I'd take care of you.
Now let's get out
of here quick.
- You'll have to kill him.
- What?
- No.
- You have to. He saw the box.
He saw the money.
- You have to.
- You don't know what he saw.
Come on, Jerry,
you know exactly what he saw.
And so does he.
Sooner or later,
- he's gonna come for it.
- I won't do it.
Well, it's too late now,
he's gone.
But he'll be back, Jerry.
Don't you worry.
This is bad.
There's over 300 grand here.
The big move
will be real estate
and income property,
a duplex at least.
But like I said,
it's all about how we diversify.
- Right, long-term goals.
- Exactly.
We should leave town
as soon as possible.
Wait, do you hear that?
- What?
- Listen.
Someone is breaking in.
Guess who.
Don't shoot him.
That'd be bad.
- What do I do?
- You'll know what to do.
But do it fast!
Jerry, get back inside
and get the knife.
You did what
you had to do.
- This has gone too far.
- You did the right thing.
This is crazy.
Jerry, there's gonna
be cops everywhere.
You have to relax.
You have to be cool.
- Focus.
- Focus.
I know.
You're right.
No loose ends.
You knew this going in.
I know.
Yeah, well, that's
what it looks like.
Tied her up
with duct tape,
stabbed her about
50 times, maybe more.
Lots of blood.
That's a new brand
of sick.
Nah, it's not so new.
Word is they had a drug problem.
- They fought a lot. That sort of thing.
- I knew about the drugs.
Everybody heard
the fighting.
Got any more milk?
I'm afraid this is
the last of it.
Right. Well...
- thanks for your time.
- Not a problem.
Oh, um...
if you think
of anything,
here's my card.
Sure thing,
Officer Jacobs.
Oh, right.
- Detective.
- Yeah.
He found tape residue
on the chair.
- I saw that.
- I don't know if he put it together.
This guy's hard to read.
Stay cool, Jerry.
I got one...
You found some
more milk?
You caught me.
I just have
one more question.
Leon Cates...
you know him?
- The guy across the hall?
- Yeah, that's him.
Pimp, drug dealer,
among other things.
Seems really bent out of shape.
Won't tell me exactly why.
Don't think I've ever
seen him happy.
I know the type.
This is different.
Anything comes to mind...
- I'll give you a call.
- Right.
Got one.
Oh, that's right.
You do.
Looks like someone
tried to break in.
I saw that last night.
Not much use reporting
it. Nothing personal.
Oh, right.
Well, you have
a good day, Mr...
Same to you, sir.
Well, thank you.
I feel good
about this.
Me too.
I'll stay with the money.
You go check that we got everything.
- Are you moving?
- Yeah.
Things have just
gotten a little nutty around here.
I guess I wanted to
for a while.
Been saving.
Where you moving to?
I'm not sure yet.
I just figure I'll keep driving until
I find someplace,
someplace I can afford
some property.
I can't stay here,
Leon will kill me.
He thinks I took
his money.
His money?
Armored-car heist
almost two years ago.
He's got a half a million
stashed in a building up on Hill St.
I don't know where
the rest of it is.
It'll turn up someday.
You got room
for one more, Jerry?
You can't come back.
I don't want to.
What is it with you?
She'll kill you as soon as she finds
out about the money.
You'll have to
kill her first.
No, I think
I trust her.
She's a whore.
You can't trust a whore, Jerry.
I said no.
Let's get out
of here fast.
Don't look at me like that.
I need to go pee now.
Just pull over right here.
There's nobody here.
- It's not a big deal.
- I'm sorry. I'm sorry.
Don't be sorry.
Just gonna take two seconds, all right?
- Be right back.
- No problem.
Wait here.
Now I'm in the back seat.
Next it'll be the trash.
You have to listen to me.
- I think you're jealous.
- Your little friend isn't gonna
understand our relationship, Jerry.
Think about it.
I'm only trying
to help you.
Let her take a piss,
for fuck's sake.
It's the middle of nowhere.
Do it now!
What did I say?
Just be cool.
Temperance will see you
through most things.
You know, it's all
about the future now.
Yeah, the future.
Exactly, the future.
sustained growth.
And how we
gonna do that?
- Diversify?
- Damn straight,
Stocks, bonds and of course,
real estate.
We're talking a wide array
of growth industry
as well as the more steady,
conservative investment.
Don't even fuck
with commodities.
They're just gonna get you
in trouble.
Yeah, this is Rachael.
I'm looking
for some companionship
for the night.
Where are you?
I'm at home.
Hey, bitch, you got a permit to work
in my building?
Sorry, I've never
done this before.
Hey hey, trick!
Don't you walk away
from me now.
Well, there was
this one time...
Where are you?
What is this?
- In the movies...
- Mm-hmm.
... we use big cameras.
- What the fuck is this?
What the fuck is this?
Are you paying? Are you paying?
Where's home, dipshit?
Do you accept the Lord
Jesus Christ
- as your personal lord and savior?
- Excuse me one moment, please.
Get the fuck out of here.
I ain't playing with you!
Get out of here.
What the hell?
He was gonna
make me a star.
Get in that damn street
and make my fucking money.
I ain't playing
with you.
Repent, vixen of Satan.
The end is near!
Is everything okay?
- What was that?
- Everything's cool.
So how do I get
to your place, lover?
I live at...
uh, 26 Cabrillo Avenue.
- By the marina?
- Yeah, how'd you know?
Lucky guess.
Have a few clients there.
Okay, give me 15.
Gotta get some.
Gotta shower first.
Breaking news just in.
Authorities believe
that the latest rash of serial murders
have been committed
by a woman.
They believe she may be
a prostitute
and the local tabloids have dubbed
the culprit the "Call-Girl Killer. "
She has claimed
10 victims so far, all male.
Now back
to Jim in sports.
It's about time.
"The Call-Girl Killer, "
How original.
- Look at that.
- Check this out.
- '88, right?
- Yeah.
But did you see the girl
that's sitting in there?
You boys gonna be
around later?
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
- Victor?
- Yeah.
How'd you guess?
Lucky guess.
Nice house.
Is it yours?
Yeah, why?
Where are your parents?
My parents are out
of town for the weekend.
Is it that obvious?
How come you're not
in any of the pictures?
I'm kind of the black sheep
of the family.
The clan's more proud
of my brother.
He's the family
success story.
Which makes you
the screw up, huh?
- Yeah.
- Yeah.
So how about we get
to it
since I'm on the clock?
Okay, I'm just used
to a little more
discussion, you know?
Well, I'm...
I'm a little short
on cash, so, uh...
Okay, junior.
Whatever floats your boat.
Let's head upstairs.
So, how about we get
that transaction out of the way?
- Business first.
- Right.
Here you are,
Miss Rachael.
$1,000 it is.
So this your
first time?
How'd you know?
Lucky guess.
So what are we
gonna do?
Well, I'd like you
to tie me to the bed
and ride me.
But, well, you have to blindfold
me first.
Ooh, that sounds kinky.
For $1,000 bucks
it's doable, right?
Whatever you want,
You like that, huh?
- Yeah.
- Yeah, you do.
You've been
a little naughty.
Get it tight.
How's that feel?
Are you getting
naked yet?
Oh, in a second.
This is so great.
I'll make it
well worth your while.
I don't doubt that
for a second.
Baby, that tickles.
What the hell
are you doing?
How pathetic.
Why did you
kill me, Rachael?
Are you scared?
'Cause you should be.
Please don't kill me!
Please! I'm sorry!
I'm sorry! Please!
Please don't kill me.
So, you know, she's
pushing the cart along
and she thinks all's
okay and all's well and all's dandy.
But then she goes and looks in the cart
and realizes it's not her baby in there,
but a zebra.
What do we got?
What do we got?
Oh, man, all right.
Let's see, what do we got here?
- What do we got? What do we got?
- A letter from your ex-wife.
Three or seven,
which one?
Who is that guy?
Beats me.
Look at this.
Your parole officer.
Yeah, I know. I shouldn't have peed
in that swimming pool.
All right,
what else we got?
Professor Dayton.
Professor Dayton.
Dean Thompson.
So when will we see
what you're doing in there?
Well, as you know,
that's my deal with the university.
I teach and you allow me
to work on my projects.
I know, Dayton, but it's been
over 20 years.
Well, actually,
you'll find out sooner than you think.
You mean...
Yes, very soon, indeed.
Now what can I do
for you, Dean?
Oh, almost forgot.
I've got this wedding invitation
in the mail.
Yes, I do hope
you can attend.
This is not one
of your practical jokes?
Oh, I assure you,
it is not.
But when did you
have time to meet this woman?
When you're not teaching,
you're here in the lab.
Love has its ways.
Of course, but, Professor,
at your age,
- you're getting married?
- Already got the rings.
I'll be there.
Is it going to be
a big wedding?
Just a few colleagues
and some of my former
special students.
- I guess congratulations are in order.
- Thank you.
Looks exactly the same.
I don't know.
I think that gray might be different.
- Look at that.
- Check this out.
- '88, right?
- Yeah.
But did you see the girl
that's sitting in there?
I don't care about the '88.
Check this out.
Look at that.
Whoa, whoa.
- This is his neighbor?
- I don't...
- I don't... I don't know.
- Whoa, whoa.
You boys gonna be
around later?
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
All right, let's go.
Come on.
The professor's waiting.
Let's go.
- Come on.
- Relax, man.
Let me get it, dear.
Oh, hi, boys. Come in, come in.
The door's open.
Come on.
Hey, Professor,
it's so good to see you.
- Professor, you look great.
- You guys look great, too.
Come in, come in,
come in.
I'm so glad neither one of you were
too busy to come to town.
- And miss your wedding?
- We wouldn't miss it for the world.
This place looks
exactly the same.
Brings back memories.
When you two were
my smartest students,
we'd sit around
and argue theories of evolution.
But you would always
win the argument,
even if sometimes
you were just pulling our leg.
Well, I had to spice
things up a little.
So, Professor, when are we
going to meet the lucky lady?
Professor, how's your
secret experiment coming along?
Oh, fine.
Is it really for
the government, Professor?
Do you remember the one
about you being
- Dr. Frankenstein, Professor?
- Oh, yeah.
If you only knew
the rumors about that.
I knew about them.
They couldn't come
between me and my work.
Charles, John...
I think it's finally done!
Professor, that's great.
Can you finally tell us?
Soon, but you didn't
come here for that.
You came for my wedding!
- That's true.
- Of course.
So tell us about
her, Professor.
Is she a teacher
at the university?
How did you meet her?
Hold on, I'll tell
you everything.
Let's see, first of all,
she's not from around here.
Did you meet her
on a sabbatical?
John, the professor
doesn't do sabbaticals, am I right?
- That's right.
- After all these years,
we thought you were
a confirmed bachelor.
So did I.
I'm hope I'm not
interrupting your reunion.
Honey, you could never
be an interruption.
Charles, John,
I'd like you to meet Kathy,
- my fiance.
- Hello.
- Nice to meet you.
- Pleasure to meet you too!
- Hello.
- Hi.
Oh, you really have
to try my pierogis
Honey, can you
help me a moment?
Oh, of course, sweetheart.
Boys, I'll be right back.
You know where the bar is.
Help yourself.
Okay is this a joke?
I don't think so. I need a drink.
What're you drinking?
A triple of whatever
that is.
She's not even old enough
to be his granddaughter.
Wait a minute.
The prof did it.
What're you talking about?
Do you remember all the experiments
he's been working on?
I don't know.
He was working on so many.
I remember
the robotic stuff.
- And?
- Then he would joke
that he could create
the perfect woman.
If I could create
the perfect woman,
I'd make sure there was an on/off switch
in there somewhere.
And a volume control.
You got a better
You think?
He's a freaking quantum engineer.
You know that.
You and I have both seen
some of the stuff he's done.
Yeah, but this?
Again, do you have
a better explanation?
But I'd say
good for the prof.
You really have to try
my chicken dumplings.
Oh, um...
Dayton had to go to store
to pick up something for me.
Uh, Kathy, are you okay?
Dayton had to go to store
to pick up something for me.
So I guess...
Uh, Kathy, why don't
you sit down?
Can I, um...
can I get you a drink?
Oh, no thank you.
Dayton doesn't
like me to drink...
Must be heat
from the kitchen.
I'm not used
to the heat.
So, um, Kathy, how did you
and the professor meet?
Oh, it's kind of funny,
because I really
don't remember,
I mean,
really how we meet.
I only remember
just being with him.
Oh, please, please don't tell
Dayton that I told you this.
Because he tells everyone
some romantic story
about how we met
and he would be
really sad
if I don't remember.
Timer. I'll be right back
with more hors d'oeuvres.
What do you think?
What's there to think?
She doesn't drink.
Because liquids would
screw up her circuits.
Exactly. Maybe he hasn't figured out
a way to shield them yet.
Do you think she can eat?
What do you
think she eats?
I don't know.
You really have
to try my pat
So, Kathy,
are you having any?
Girl has to watch
their figure.
And I won't be able
to fit my wedding gown.
So, when did
you graduate?
- About four years ago.
- The same.
Dayton tells me
you're both engineers.
I'm engineer too.
Oh, no kidding.
I'll be right back.
- Amazing.
- She's perfect.
Did she just say engineer
or engineered?
The professor,
he's a genius.
Do you remember when the professor used
to play all those practical jokes on us?
The exploding sandwich.
Try the egg sandwiches.
They're delicious.
You keep both hands
on the wheel.
You young people nowadays
don't know how to drive.
Maybe you should try the
bathroom before you go, John.
Long drive ahead.
It still hurts
sometimes, you know.
It wasn't
a real snake, John.
- It was robotics.
- Tell that to my leg.
Of course.
Do you think this
is one of them?
It's gotta be.
Remember when we first got here
and he said we were
"two of his smartest students"?
He's probably somewhere
laughing at us right now.
Don't you get it?
That's why he left us alone with her.
He wants us to
figure out Kathy,
his new and best
Oh, he almost got us.
What are we gonna do?
Let's pull a prank on him.
Let's find the switch
that'll turn her off.
Hope you liked
my pierogis
- Delicious,
- Yeah.
I'll be right back.
I'll make some more.
Maybe we could
give you a hand.
Look at this, the culture and design
is just absolute perfection.
This blood is just so real.
Oh my God. I haven't felt
any circuits yet though.
Did you find the circuits?
I think I found it.
Oh my God,
look at this.
The skin's so...
It's perfect!
Hey, Charles.
check out the brain.
Look, it even
jiggles the right way.
- Can I touch it?
- Yeah, go ahead.
Oh, oh, oh.
My God.
The nerve endings...
pituitary gland in place.
Everything, it's in here.
Oh, God.
I gotta tell you, man,
this guy's a genius.
This guy's a genius.
The detail
is just impeccable.
Never found
the right end.
- Look at this.
- What?
It's a scrapbook.
I mean, look at this...
pictures and letters.
With... with...
I mean, it's like the detail he's gone
to make this woman real is just unreal.
He's a genius.
"My dearest Emmett. "
"Dating for the Scientific
Community, New Editions. "
"Katia is an engineer
in the University of Moscow.
She specializes
in aeronautics.
She's seeking a warm
and cuddly older gentleman
- with a sense of humor. "
- We finally got him back.
"Rocket scientists preferred.
Must talk to Dr. Farwell
about global transience amnesia. "
Mr. Melancholy,
it's not a big deal.
We're gonna help him put her back
together before the wedding, okay?
John, I think...
What is this?
I think she...
Mail-order bride.
John, she's...
She's... oh God.
Oh my God, Charles.
What're we gonna do?
Oh my God!
Honey, I'm back!
Sorry, guys,
but, uh...
Kathy ordered this cake
and Kathy doesn't drive
so I had to go pick it up.
She sure knows
how to cook!
Oh bah!
Hey, don't be pushing.
You got a lot of nerve.
I'm a doctor, lady.
Let me tell you,
your food sucks.
I've seen fresher fish
in the LA river
in a drought season!
Okay okay, I'm sorry.
Come on, let's make up.
No, no, no.
Me love you long time.
Me so sorry.
Hey, man.
Can you help me out
with some spare change?
No, man, I'm sorry. But listen, I'm
gonna think good thoughts for you.
Whew! Good thoughts.
Good thoughts.
Hey, just wait.
Be patient.
How 'bout
something to eat?
No, but good thoughts.
Really really good thoughts.
Hold up!
All right, all right.
Let me have a poodle just like his.
One just like his.
Come on, hand it over.
Jeez, let's go.
Spare change?
Hey, here you
go, man.
Thinking good
thoughts for you, huh?
Excuse me, pardon me.
Thank you.
Somebody, please! We need a doctor!
We need a doctor!
Hey, what's going on?
Bad dog.
You're late again.
What? All the sick
people go home?
I thought we spoke
about this.
My sentence dictates
that I spend 30 days here. I'm here.
So what do we got?
This is not
a sentence, Doctor.
It's an opportunity
to prove yourself,
to help
the community.
Do you want me
to call the judge
and tell him your
heart's not in it?
Anyone ever tell you you're beautiful
when you're a bitch?
- No.
- Really?
Mrs. Lexington is
ready to be seen.
I'll bring her in.
Go ahead
and sit down.
Be careful,
there is a step.
Very well.
Let me get
this for you.
You can give
me this too.
Mrs. Lexington has
been having some difficulty...
With her vision.
Yes, how did
you know?
Lucky guess.
I'm over here,
Okay, Mrs. Lexington.
Oh please, Doctor,
call me Grams.
Everybody does.
Okay, Grams.
Well, your eyes are shot.
You're 74 years old.
You've been battling
glaucoma for the last 10.
And you're past
the point of safe surgical correction.
Anything else I can
do for you while you are here?
Are you sure?
I'm sure.
What... what would
you recommend?
A seeing-eye dog?
Come, Grams,
I'll get you a cab.
Oh, if there's
any movies that
you want to see,
don't wait.
Oh, God.
Another one down.
Okay, let's see here.
Yep, all right.
What you need is
a three-week prescription of
legal marijuana.
There you go.
Take two of these
three times a day.
When you're done,
call the emergency room.
Hi. What seems
to be the problem?
I don't know.
It seems like
everything's just
not going right.
Freight elevator
crushed my wrist.
Don't you need me to
take off my clothes?
Ming Yee?
Is that Chink or Jap?
There you go.
You are funny today.
That's good. That's good.
We'll see how funny you are when I
break your arm again and reset it.
Got the ol'
black eye there, huh?
How did you get that?
Ming Yee.
Okay, here's what
it's going to be.
That be five dollar.
Thanks, man.
18mg of Viagra.
Merry Christmas.
Five doll...
Okay, what seems
to be the problem?
Sorry, hold on a second.
No, no, I'm listening.
Go ahead.
Nurse Jacobs,
I can't write
a prescription for ugly.
Take this prescription.
Go down to the pharmacy.
Uh-huh. Yeah.
I'm sorry, what did you
say the problem was?
Have him bring
two bottles of wine.
The two of you
take the entire bottle.
Drink all the wine.
I guarantee you'll
never see me again.
Do you find
medicine stressful?
You see, now's
the time we get to unwind.
There's a party tonight.
Do you want to come?
It's a kind of
a get-together.
It's ladies' night.
Maybe next time.
Hold you too that.
See you tomorrow...
on time.
On time.
See anything you like?
No, sorry, I'm into
midgets right now.
Aren't you the new doctor
in the clinic?
For you?
No, no, no.
Say, l-l...
I'm having real
bad pains in my chest.
Oh, Is that right?
Well, I'll you what,
I'm going in here and
I'm going to get laid.
Then I'll come back.
Meet me down at
the hospital and I'll give you
a bowel movement you
will never forget, okay?
- Psst. Psst.
- Professor.
- Shh.
- What's up?
Say, those radios
you traded me
were a hit.
Do you have some?
I've already sold
one of them.
Do you have some
more for me?
Actually, I need
something from you.
What do you need?
Do you still have
that voodoo kit?
I have the voodoo kit.
The beginners' or
the advanced?
The very advanced.
Very advanced?
Then, Professor,
you're going to need
the chicken too.
That's what
you need.
- Yah!
- Okay, okay, I'll take the chicken.
You'll take
it, okay. Yah.
Hey, back so soon?
What did you
bring me?
You know the rules.
Gotta have new faces.
This doesn't work
without new faces.
I brought party
favors this time.
Thank you.
Mmm. You are
so welcome.
Sandra, my love.
Gorgeous, darling.
Ooh. Whoo.
Oh, look at you.
I do know you.
- Dr. Farwell,
- Dino, Dino, Dino.
How are you?
For your lovely lady there.
Hey, would you like
anything special?
Take 'em, take' em,
pass the them around.
- Make friends?
- You will make so many friends.
Hey, hey, hey.
I know you.
I know you.
Aren't you...
Hold on. It's going to come to me.
It's going to come to me.
Ah, ooh, lovely, lovely.
I will catch you...
Ooh, my, my, my.
My, my, you
look so good.
Everybody looking
good today.
How are you?
You are nice.
Let's go.
Let's go.
Hello, honey.
Ladies and gentlemen,
let the real
party begin.
Where have you been?
Do you realize
what time it is?
Have you been out
all night?
No, I always wear the same clothes
for days at a time.
Have you even slept?
Does it matter?
What have we got?
What have we got?
Um, I've got like
a little bit of
a pain right here in
that part of my wrist.
Okay, if you'll just take off your
clothes, we'll take a look at it.
So I'm working my door
at the club, right?
And this big huge guy
just comes right up to me.
He's like,
"Oh, I'm with Jim. "
I was like, "Who
the hell is Jim, man?"
So, Doctor, I have
this rash.
I'm sorry, if you'll take all
of your clothes...
hey, you know, why
don't you just bend over the table?
Take off your clothes and bend over
the table. We'll take a quick look.
But it's just right here.
You know, it's probably a symptom
of a deeper problem.
Let me grab my probe.
We'll take a quick look.
But what could I do
at the club?
I got it like two weeks
ago and it's really itchy and pussy.
Here you go.
Is there a girl
doctor who could...
No, honey, I'm the only
doctor in this town.
- I don't really want to do this.
- Oh.
"1-875-BIG-GIRLS, wow. "
- Are you fucking joking?
- That's...
- Are you fucking serious?
... for Hollywood girls, big and bold.
What kind of fucking doctor are you?
Are you kidding me?
Here's your prescription.
- Is that your phone number?
- Mmm-hmm.
Mr. Rhodes,
this is Dr. Farwell.
He's our attending physician
for the next month.
He is here for a follow-up
on his daughter Dusty.
We thought she was
going to be a boy.
Thank you, Doctor,
for seeing us.
We haven't been able to see
a specialist yet.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Hang loose.
Okay, and a few
weeks ago...
blood test...
white blood count...
yada yada yada.
Oh, yeah,
there it is.
What is it, Doctor?
You been having
headaches, Dusty?
Sort of come and go
real quick?
It's cause you
have a brain tumor.
Tumor? Is it...
is it cancer?
Inoperable cancer.
Okay, so there's
a tumor.
We understand.
what is our next step?
have you attended
your senior prom?
No, I'm a junior.
I'd find one to take her
to this weekend.
Can I get some
What's wrong with you,
you jackass?
Could I get some
coffee, por favor?
You cannot just tell
a 15-year-old girl
that she's gonna die,
no questions asked.
Oh, come on,
the kid's a goner.
You don't want to sit
here and talk about it
for the next whatever,
do you, sweetie?
I'm getting some coffee.
Oh my gosh.
I'm back!
That's right,
for you and you and you.
Let's party.
Breaking news just in.
Authorities believe that
the latest rash of
serial murders
has been committed
by a woman.
They believe she
may be a prostitute
and the local cowboys have dubbed
the culprit, "The Call-Girl Killer. "
She has claimed 10 victims
so far, all male.
Excuse me, excuse me.
Who are you?
Where's the regular?
The short guy?
Dirty looking,
on the slow side.
- Jerry.
- Yeah, Jerry.
- He didn't show up for work.
- It figures.
All right. I need you to
stay here tonight.
There's a psychotic
homeless guy stalking me.
Fuck this.
hot dog.
Thank you.
Hey, hot-dog man!
Hey, could I get two
of those to go?
- Here you go, buddy.
- You got two?
Those things will
kill you! Yah!
She's such a kidder.
Alice. Alice.
Alice is going to look so beautiful
on her wedding day.
So, how is
Carol, anyway?
She's not well.
She's not well at all, Father.
She's still convinced
we have a daughter named Alice.
- Alice?
- Alice, yeah.
I'm so worried
about her, Father.
What can you
do to help us?
Have you been saying your
Hail Marys?
- Yes.
- Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Then add a couple
of Our Fathers.
Oh. Yes.
It's all about
the future now.