Critters 2 (Critters 2 - The Main Course ) (1988) Movie Script

I hate that part.
Bounty hunters, have you
completed your mission?
Oh, yeah, we wasted him.
Check out the head
on this sucker.
Fine, however, an earlier
expedition remains incomplete.
A G-sweep of the planet Earth
indicates residual Crite life.
- G-sweep's wrong.
- No way, Your Holiness...
I was there.
I saw it all.
The G-sweep is
The council is very nervous
when it comes to the Crites.
They are a lethal plague
and must be wiped out.
Pay for the Hexapod kill
shall be withheld
until the eradication
of Crites on Earth is verified.
There must be no doubt.
Does this mean
we're going back to Earth?
What takes you
to Grover's Bend, son?
My grandmother
lives there.
Oh, Easter vacation
with Granny, huh?
a good grandson.
You know what the Bend's
famous for, don't you?
What's that?
Hasn't your granny ever told you
about those space porcupine things?
No. No, she never did.
Bunch of folks hereabout
think they came
from one of those unidentified
flying UFOs or some such.
Some say those
little boogers attacked
one of the farms
outside of town.
Maybe a friend
of your granny's, huh?
The Browns.
No... no, no.
She doesn't know any Browns.
Come on, man!
Buried treasure
right this way.
What the hell
are we doing?
Ain't nobody lived here
in two years.
What exactly
are we looking for?
Collector's items.
Nothing like them.
Just like all the other weird shit
you got in your store.
Jeez, it's freezing
in here.
What are they?
Whatever you tell people
they are.
So what do you say?
These things
ain't worth dick!
Okay, fine.
I'll just take 'em
up to K.C.
See what one of them big antique
stores'll give me for them.
- You do that.
- But...
a case of Meister Brau would
save me a lot of trouble.
- Load 'em up.
- Right!
Perfect fit!
Come on, kids,
let's go. Hurry up.
Hey, Sis, dinner's
at 6:00, okay?
'Kay, Megan!
- You put...
- No, no, no.
Okay, okay. We'll pull the photo
one column to the left.
Now we'll keep
the 4H Club sidebar,
and we will swap
the sidewalk weeds issue
with the Easter egg hunt
right here!
- l-l...
- Yeah.
- Hey, Dad!
- Hi, honey!
- I got the returns.
- Just put them back by the...
- the typeset, will you?
- Okay.
What do we do about
the 39-pound squash?
We bury it somewhere
on page four.
- Didn't you say it was 29 pounds?
- 39.
I weighed
ol' jumbo myself.
Better move it
up to page one.
We're still looking
at empty space here.
Put that back!
I got a stop-press
story for you.
What's that?
"Bus driver
finds Grover's Bend"?
"Brad Brown is
back in town."
Bradley Brown?!
The boy who cried
We don't want to get scooped
on this one, Mr. Morgan.
Not much chance of that, Sal.
We're the only paper in 80 miles.
This is big news
in Grover's Bend.
Inquiring minds
want to know!
- Like mine.
- Mm-hmm.
Just forget it, Sal. That boy's
stories nearly tore this town apart.
Just let Grover's Bend
forget about that night.
I mean it, Sal, no...
Brad Brown.
Brad who?
Here we are!
Don't you have
any Clark Bars or Milk Duds?
Honey, fresh vegetables
are high in fiber,
and we need fiber
for a healthy B.M.
We don't want to get
constipated, do we?
- No!
- No, we don't.
I know who that is!
Bradley, come on in.
- Hi, Nana.
- Look at you...
you're shooting up
like a stinkweed.
You've been
eating red meat.
No! No, no, no.
Not me.
It's the worst thing
you could do to that body.
Come in here and have
a good snack with these kids.
You know the carnivores
have short intestines
and the meat passes
right out through?
But we're herbivores,
we've got great
long intestines
and the meat
just rots in there.
No, no, you stop it.
Quigley, get your stupid dog
out of the way.
Chili Dog,
get in the back.
Go on, get back.
Go on.
Get in the back.
Get in the back
you miserable son of a bitch!
Go on!
- It's just a dog.
- So was "Cujo."
Hi, Harv.
What in the hell
are you doing here?
Important business.
Brad Brown is back in town.
Oh... well,
on the important chart
I'd put that right
between a pineapple quiche
and a pimple
on the ass.
I thought you'd want to talk with
him... about the critters and all.
Why in the hell would I want
to do a thing like that?
If I never talk
to anybody
about them things
that shall remain nameless,
I'll die a happy man...
and besides that,
I ain't been sheriff of this burg
for two glorious years.
Why don't you
run along home, Sal,
because they're about
to start the bonus round.
Here's the last of them.
Put them with the rest
of them, brain dead.
So... what about
them brewskies?
This is all that
plain-wrap piss.
I thought we agreed
on Meister Brau.
I ain't got
no Meister Brau.
Then I'm taking two.
And a couple of these!
I hate teenagers.
Now... what in the hell
am I gonna do with you?
...Right onto highway 54,
just outside of Grover's Bend.
We'd love to see ya.
- Moo-ve.
- # At the Hungry Heifer #
# We won't give you
a bum steer. #
how come...
you look like
that rock and roll guy,
and Lee's still a...
Because this body fit.
Lee stays
a nothing-face
till he finds
the right self.
Can't live
in the wrong self.
Charlie quiet.
- Charlie thinking.
- Thinking what?
just about going back to Earth
after all this time.
Don't want to?
I don't know.
On Earth, I was
just a big nobody.
I had one friend...
and he was
just a kid.
- Brad.
- Yeah.
Hey, hey, uh...
you wouldn't just leave me
on Earth, would you?
Charlie bounty hunter.
yeah, Charlie
bounty hunter.
You guys are okay,
you know that?
# At the Hungry Heifer #
# We won't give you
a bum steer. #
How about some buffalo chips
or a Moo shake?
We've got a two-for-one
Easter special.
No, thanks.
What are you doing here?
Let's have us
a beer.
Don't you get it?
Let's just say
I'm not the Van Halen type.
All right!
I hate elevator
music too.
what other choice
you got?
Wesley, I've got to go
to work! Leave me alone!
Leave her alone.
Just, you know...
cool it, okay?
Well, looky here.
Little Bradley Brown.
I haven't seen you
in a long time, peewee.
How's your little
space monsters?
I don't want to start
any trouble, okay, Wesley?
Did you hear that?
The little mouse
don't want any trouble.
Well, that's too bad.
I'm warning you,
I've been taking karate.
I don't want anyone
getting hurt,
so just keep
your distance.
Somebody call the sheriff!
Shouldn't have
come back, asshole!
Nobody wants you here!
Thanks for
the getaway. I'm...
Bradley Brown.
Do I know you?
Did we go to school together?
You used to throw cherry bombs
in the trash cans.
Are you a senior?
- What?
- Ponytail and braces.
- And zits.
- You're Megan Morgan?!
Does your dad still run
the newspaper?
I'm a reporter there.
Kinda like a "Jimmy Olsen"
with breasts.
Chili, chow!
Well, shit.
I reckon you'll come back
when you get hungry.
But I'm going home.
Mr. Quigley? Len?!
Are you here?
Nana, it's scary
in here.
It's okay, hon.
Nothing here
can hurt you.
Especially no dead frog.
- Don't touch that!
- I didn't hurt it!
Never mind that, Len.
Where are those Easter eggs
you called me about?
Oh, they're
in the back.
Where on Earth
did you get these, Len?!
They're from Europe.
What are you
asking for these?
That's not what you'd ask
the church, now, is it?
Oh, of course not.
Of course not!
I'll give you $20
for the stack.
You can have
half for $25.
- 20.
- For half.
These really are
special, aren't they?
Yeah, really.
- How long are you in town?
- Just through Easter vacation.
- Where do you guys live now?
- Up in Kansas City.
KC, K or KC, MO?
This isn't for
"The Gazette," is it?
I'm thinking of going to college
there next year, okay?
Sorry, I just get nervous
with reporters and stuff.
'Cause of all that talk
about those...
space monsters
a couple years ago?
No such thing
as any "space monsters."
Yeah, that was just a stupid kid's
dumb dream. It never happened.
Oh, thanks for
helping me, honey.
And for being such a good girl,
I've got a present for you.
- What?
- Just wait.
Wow, a chocolate bunny!
It's better than chocolate,
honey, it's carob!
You might as well
take one of these too.
- Thanks, Nana.
- Happy Easter, darling.
Easter sucks.
What the...?
Chili Dog?
Chili, boy.
Chili, wake up, boy.
Looks like someone's
getting sleepy.
Not me!
Go on. You want to be
bright-eyed and bushy-tailed
for the big Easter egg hunt
tomorrow morning.
But I'm not
sleepy yet, Daddy.
- Really!
- Uh-huh.
Come on,
I'll tuck you in.
- 'Night, brat.
- 'Night, creep.
Super daughter.
- Want to get under the covers?
- No, it's too hot.
Oh, okay. 'Night, night,
sleep tight.
Don't let
the bedbugs bite.
I'll just bite it
right back!
Yeah. Oh...
What's that
in your hair?
'Night, Daddy,
I love you.
I love you, too.
I'm going to bed now,
Don't stay up
too late.
You knew no one
would believe it.
Didn't you?
I sure do
miss you, Charlie.
Where did you go?
Honey, are you all right?
Oh, I'm sorry, honey.
- Your Easter candy's a real mess.
Would you look at this?
You ladies are doing
a wonderful job.
Now, Reverend!
Those are
for the children.
The Easter
Bunny's here.
Right on time.
Midge, would you bring
the sheriff his package?
- Here you go.
- There you are.
Are you sure you couldn't get
somebody else to do this?
Sheriff Harv did it
for 20 years running.
Well, I ain't
Sheriff Harv!
Don't be
such a gloomy Gus.
Sheriff, just help us out.
Who knows, you might even
have yourself a good time.
Fat chance.
Well, you better
hurry, ladies.
- Resurrection's in 45 minutes.
- Oh!
- Put this down on the other side.
- Okay, Emily.
Spread them out
so they're all even.
Good morning,
Happy Easter.
We're going to have
to be patient today.
We can't start the hunt
until the services are over.
I have it on good authority
that the Easter Bunny himself
just might make
an appearance.
Go on now!
Thank you.
Boy, pretty good
crowd today.
I haven't seen you
since Christmas.
- I thought he was gone!
- He's trouble.
...back here.
- That's him.
Welcome, friends.
Welcome one and all.
Today, of course,
is the Day of Resurrection.
So it seems only fitting
that some of you
have chosen this day
to resurrect
your church-going habit.
Why'd I ever let her
talk me into this?
Honey, that's
awfully beautiful.
Aw, this is great.
The Easter Bunny with
his Tehachapi hanging out.
It'd give them kids
a real education.
What the hell was in you?
...and entering
into the sepulcher,
they saw, sitting
on the right side,
a young man...
clothed in a long,
white garment.
And they were
Come on, sweetheart,
let's go.
There you are.
My dad just ran
your grandma home.
Are you okay?
Yeah, I'm all right.
What do you think
happened to the sheriff?
You heard 'em. It was probably
some kind of farm accident.
Farm accident?!
You saw him!
That was no
farm accident.
What are you
trying to say?
You were telling the truth
about those things.
- There are no such things!
- I don't believe you.
I mean, I do
believe you.
I mean, I believe what
you said a couple years ago.
Do me a favor and don't
do me any favors, okay?
Don't you think
we better go see Harv?
Well, I'm going.
We need you in town, something
awful's happened at the church.
What the hell are
you doing here, boy?
We think it might have
been those... creatures.
What creatures
would that be?
- It's true, Harv.
- You see 'em?
Not exactly, but l...
Then don't be bringing me grief!
You go tell the sheriff.
- The sheriff is dead!
- They got him up at the church.
His stomach
was eaten out.
Folks are saying it was some farm
machine accident, but it wasn't.
You have to come with us, Harv!
What are you doing?
What does it look like
I'm doing, Einstein?
I'm doing what
any intelligent,
Grover Benders would do!
I'm haulin' ass!
You can't leave now!
This town needs you!
Yeah? This town
voted me out in a landslide.
This town can
kiss my ass!
I can't believe you're
just going to run away.
We need you, Harv.
We need a sheriff.
Go check the yellow pages.
this here's
American culture.
Good reading.
G-Good articles.
Oh no, Lee.
No, no, Lee.
Don't look at me, Lee!
Kill Crites.
Hey, guys!
Hey, wait up!
Hey, Lee!
Lee, you're gonna
need this!
Okay, let's think about this. Maybe
there is a logical explanation.
What do you mean?
Like really bad stomach ulcers?
It could have
been a dog!
Yeah, and it could have been
the brain from Planet Eros.
You saw him, Brad.
It was no dog.
What's the matter?
I need a little air. I was going
home to take a hot bath and I see...
- Slow down.
- Rolling, rolling, towards me...
- It's getting bigger and bigger...
- Take a breath!
And it's got
these big teeth...
- Where did it go?!
- Into Quigley's.
- Mr. Quigley!
- Get in the truck. Lock the doors.
You can't go.
Let's get help!
Who are we gonna call?
Critter Busters?
Just stay behind me
in the truck!
Mr. Quigley?
Anybody home?
Mr. Quigley,
are you okay?
Nobody's home.
Let's get out of here.
Get up!
look behind you!
Get in the truck!
Get in!
- Roll up the window!
- It's broken!
- Come on!
- God damn it!
Come on, come on!
- You're flooding it!
- Then you drive!
Dear God,
that critter thing!
Get away,
I am not kidding!
Yuck, veggies, ugh!
Nana, the critters
are here.
No, shit, Bradley!
Damn meat eaters!
Where are you going?
- Where's the communicator?
- What communicator?
The one the bounty hunters
gave to me.
Bounty hunters?!
- The space guys.
- Oh, you mean the remote control.
- It's always on the TV.
- Not the remote control.
Nana, this is not
the remote control.
Those bounty hunters!
That was fast.
- More Crites.
- Yeah, a lot more.
Boy am I glad
to see you.
B-both of you.
These guys are great.
I can't believe it!
Look at you... all dressed up
like one of them.
Well, I am one of them.
I'm a bounty hunter.
Yeah, right.
No, no, no.
I work with them.
Are you still...?
I don't need that anymore.
See... see...
up in space,
I am somebody.
See, I got a job
and a meaning.
So I guess that means
you won't be staying long then.
Probably not.
B-but, see, Brad...
I gotta go where
the cosmic winds blow me.
I gotta...
where no man
has gone before.
Well, it's really good
to have you back, Charlie.
Even if it's just
for a little while.
Hey, wait!
Help us out over here.
- That guy's crazy.
- Don't go in there.
# Hey, little buddies,
come gather 'round #
# This here's the very best
eating in town #
# The Hungry Heifer's
the place to be #
# Lip-lickin' good,
you can take it from me #
# Try a Polar Burger
and some buffalo chips #
# And wash it all down
with a Moo shake #
# Pat your tummy
and smack your lips #
# Suck for hours
on your fingertips #
# At the Hungry Heifer #
# We won't give you
a bum steer. #
Get out of the way!
Operator?! Operator,
can you hear me? Please listen,
I can't hear you. This is
the editor of the "Gazette."
We need to get the highway
patrol here right away.
Operator, can you... oh, God.
Oh my God.
I can't hear you.
All I can hear is static.
If you're there...
can you hear me?
Can anybody out there hear me?
- Thank God!
- The critters are real.
- I know.
- Daddy, are you okay?
- Yeah.
Did you guys hear that?
Let's get to the door.
- Oh no! Daddy!
- Get him up, come on!
- Go!
- For God's sake!
- Wesley!
- Wesley!
Go on inside. You'll be
much safer in there.
I need some more
- Cindy, are you okay?
- What happened to Daddy?
Don't worry,
he's gonna be all right.
Ug, what happened?
Crites feed
Eat like a family.
Love meat.
A bad habit.
You guys
don't eat meat?!
Hey, who's gonna pay
for all this stuff?!
Look at the mess
you guys made!
No, Lee,
no, no, don't...
not this!
No, Lee!
Kill more Crites.
l-I gotta go, Brad.
It sure is quiet.
Maybe they're all dead.
I wish.
They're probably
waiting right outside.
There's a cheery thought.
It's like they're
teasing us or something.
I just wish I knew
where they were.
What are you doing?
No! No, no, no!
No, Lee, please!
Hold it, Lee.
Hold on.
This is the one.
This... now, this...
This... that's it.
Good, that's it.
Kill Crites.
Thank you.
Sweet Jesus!
What was that?
Ug, what happened?
Where's Lee?
Ug's losing it.
what happened?
Lee's dead.
What happened to...
Is he okay?
- He ain't breathing.
- He don't have a mouth.
Try and transform, Ug.
I'm not a good enough bounty hunter
to do it by myself.
Hey, get back inside!
Go on!
If you don't get inside
I'm going to see to it
your dad blisters
your little butt!
Get inside
and lock the door.
I'm back.
Looks like we got us
a job to do.
- Did you hear that?
- Uh-huh.
- What was it?
Where are
they all going?
I don't know.
Looks like some kind of
critter convention.
There must be
hundreds of them.
We can't call
in the highway patrol.
All the damn
phone lines are down.
We've got to do something.
We can't just stay here!
Those things got the west road
out of town blocked.
- We're never gonna get past them.
- Same goes for the east.
Listen, this is
the safest place we can be!
Now, I say we stay here and wait
the little bastards out.
- These things won't leave.
- Mind your own business, boy!
This is my business!
They don't give up! We have
to fight them and kill them.
Seems mighty queer to me...
two years ago when
the critters first come,
they come
to the boy's house.
The boy's back in town and
the damn things are here too!
I've been through this before!
We have to fight these things!
We don't include you.
Now, I ain't listening to no
undersized kid from the big city.
Or no town drunk!
Or no no-faced spaceman
out of a flying saucer telling us
how to run our own town!
We didn't have this trouble
till the boy came back.
Let's not get hysterical here. That
boy saved my little girl's life.
This ain't no show of yours
either, Morgan.
I say the boy's
bad news in shoes.
What is this bullshit?
Them man-eating dustmops
got us roped up tighter
than a blue-ribbon bull
and all you folks can do
is stand here and play
kick-the-can with some punk kid!
If we set around here
on our duffs...
we're gonna end up
tomorrow's leftovers.
I don't too much
relish that idea.
I think it's time
to fight back.
- We gotta blow them up.
- Oh, come on, boy!
No, no, I mean it! Go out
in the field and see for yourselves.
The critters are eating
the cattle out there.
It's just like Ug said,
they get together to feed.
So let's put out the most outrageous
banquet in the world for them.
What have you
got in mind, son?
Polar Burgers! We'll get them
into the hamburger factory,
lock them in
and then blow them up!
Who's gonna lead
this suicide mission?
it was my idea.
But I'm gonna
need some help.
I'm in.
I'll go.
All right, you all
just volunteered.
Come on, you bunch
of pussies.
You've got nothing
to lose but your lives.
I'll get the gate!
Armed and dangerous,
Oh my God!
It's working!
Let's roll.
Oh my God.
Harv, Harv!
Company's coming.
Wait up!
Hey, don't piss
them off!
Keep your distance.
Stay downwind of them things.
Everybody, ready?
Here they come.
Oh dear God.
They stopped.
Oh shit.
Charlie, come back here!
They're coming back.
- Brad, I think it's gonna work.
- Shhh.
Where did that
big one come from?
Oh my God.
Look at the size
of their leader.
It's the bounty hunter.
He led them back.
The door!
Run! Blow it,
blow it!
We fried 'em!
Are you okay?
Yeah. It's just ketchup.
Close one, though.
Get back, she's gonna
blow again!
Son of a bitch.
Harv, it's heading
back to town.
Ohhh, Lord, Harv,
the children!
- Come on.
- Let's go!
Come on!
Come on, faster!
They're heading for town!
Come on!
Oh my God, I bet it's headed
for the church.
We gotta stop it!
Inside, quick.
Honey, do what he says.
Get inside.
Brad, look out!
Ram it, ram it!
I'm gonna hit it!
- Come on!
- Run, run!
I'm a bounty hunter!!
You mean that...
Good ol' Charlie.
Brad, look at Ug.
Well, just go
on in, huh?
You practically got
the whole run of the bus.
Goodbye, Brad.
Goodbye, Charlie...
I mean... Ug.
- Thanks, Nana. Love ya.
- I love you, too.
And here. Here's a...
cake I made.
Eat it if you
get hungry.
- Okay?
- Okay.
Get a move on, son,
this bus runs on a schedule.
I guess I'll be
seeing ya.
Come on, son. Kiss your little
gal and let's haul ass.
Holy shit!
Hey, can one of you guys help me
get this parachute off?
Oh, I got it.
Say, listen...
what just
happened here?
If I was you, partner,
I'd roll this rig
right outta town,
and not say nothin' about
none of this to nobody.
Bye, Megan.
Bye, Brad.
Hey, Charlie!
# Hey, little buddies
come gather 'round #
# This here's the very best
eatin' in town #
# The Hungry Heifer's
the place to be #
# Lip-lickin' good,
you can take it from me #
# Try a Polar Burger
and some buffalo chips #
# Wash it all down
with a Moo shake #
# You'll pat your tummy
and smack your lips #
# Suck for hours
on your fingertips #
# At the Hungry Heifer #
# We won't give you
a bum steer... #
And don't you forget,
all of your friendly Hungry Heifer
restaurants throughout the Midwest
are open on Easter Sunday.
So after church,
why don't you and your family
stop in for a creamy Moo shake
or some crispy
buffalo chips?
And we'd like to invite
you and your family
to visit our factory,
right off of Highway 54,
just outside
of Grover's Bend.
We'd love to see ya!
# At the Hungry Heifer #
# We won't give you
a bum steer. #