Cross My Heart (1987) Movie Script
1
I met her a couple of weeks ago.
The first time we went out
I thought "Maybe. Maybe."
Then the second time we went out
I thought to myself "yes".
Yeah.
Now I'm wondering
"Could a woman this good
ever really fall for a guy like me?"
I met him 17 days ago and he's...
he's so funny,
he makes me laugh.
He's the kind of guy a
woman could fall in love with.
All right, maybe I've already fallen.
I don't know.
Tonight's our third date.
The all-important third date.
Great!
She told me
she thinks I'm great.
Wait till she finds out the truth.
You meet some guy,
you think he's great,
so you end up going to bed
with some fantasy you made up.
And then you wake up in the morning
with someone you don't even know.
Which I have promised myself
I am never doing again.
I've got to break this date.
-No. No. David, don't call her.
-I have to.
You don't go with somebody
this good on the day you're fired.
Don't break this date.
-Why not?
-Because.
I think right now, feeling the way you're
feeling this is exactly what you need.
What I like about David
is that his life is so together.
We're going out to celebrate
some big promotion he got.
Well, that's a relief.
Mom and I would be very happy
if you could find someone
you didn't have to support.
I must like him.
I'm shaving above my knee.
You will get another job.
You will! I'm not worried
about you getting another job
but this woman,
If she's as terrific as you say she is,
and I'm assuming you're not lying
-She's better than I told you.
-She is?
Yes. And I don't mean just sexy, either.
Which she is. I mean...
Ridiculous. But although we
haven't even kissed yet, but...
I mean this is the kind of
woman you could fall in love with.
Really?
Well. Then she's got a
shelf-life of like 6 days max
and then she'll meet
somebody else and she's gone.
He doesn't even know I smoke
because I haven't shown him
any of my bad habits yet.
I can usually hide something
wrong with me for about a month.
I mean, he thinks
I'm this really sweet girl
that hasn't been
around very much.
Well, I can be sweet
when I want to but
I can't not have been around very much.
You wanna know why I really
lost my job this afternoon?
Cause I was honest.
That's why.
I'm there with a buyer from Sears.
Right? And he's telling the same joke
that he tells me every
time I go in to see him.
Same joke.
And it wasn't funny then
and it really isn't funny now.
But I'm sitting there and I was thinking
"Okay, get ready,
here comes the punchline."
I tried to laugh.
I really did but
it just wasn't there.
I don't know. Maybe, maybe you
should have laughed. You know?
I mean I don't think honesty is
always such a great thing.
I've got to tell him
about Jessie tonight.
Oh Kathy, trust me on this one.
Al didn't know I had kids
until he moved in and sat on Barbie.
At first I just assumed
he knew I had a child
and then, when I realized he didn't
I felt bad I hadn't told him right away.
Then, last week,
I couldn't find the exact
right moment to break the news.
What do you say?
"Pass the salt, and by the way,
would you like to see
a video of me in labor?"
No, no, no. You don't say anything now.
It's too soon.
The last couple of
interesting guys I've met,
when they found out I had a child,
they thought it was really great,
and really earthy and all that
but I never heard from them again.
Why did it have to be today?
You know?
Fire me Monday morning.
At least give me the weekend.
Hey, could we pick it up here, please?
Don't forget who you are, pal.
You're right.
Who am I again?
You're David Morgan,
the king of the road.
Yeah, well, king of the road.
Meanwhile my car is still in the shop.
Really?
You know what? Then...
You take my car.
-Your car?
-Mm-hmm.
No, no, it's brand new.
I mean,
it's a great car but...
I want you
to take my car.
No, no, no, cause I know how
you can be about your things.
You're right.
But I hate that about myself.
I don't give.
I'm not a giving person.
I want to change that.
It's wrong.
So let me help you.
How could I lose
a 30,000-dollar-a-year job?
I mean, you know. I mean...
Kathy owns her own business.
No one can fire her.
How come people go on dates?
Oh, to get to know somebody,
find out what they're like.
How come people wear perfume?
Would you do me a big favor?
Would you go and get that, that new
bracelet that I like so much? Please?
-Okay.
-Thanks.
Would you do me a favor
and take a Valium?
I'm not asking you
to take an entire blue
but I am begging you
to have half a yellow.
You really should be having more fun.
Dating isn't fun.
What are you doing?
What, are you planning of
bringing her back here?
Yeah, why? Shouldn't
I bring her back here?
Go ahead! Sure.
Why not?
Well no, I'm saying bring
her back here, that's fine.
Yeah, but you're saying it like, you know,
"bring her back if you wanna be an asshole"
No, I'm not. I'm not. I'm saying,
bring her... In fact I'm thinking,
if you wanna use my
new place it's available.
-Your new apartment?
-Yeah.
Is it great?
It's fabulous.
-These?
-Yes.
Would you just put it on the thing? Thanks.
I wouldn't wear that if I were you. You're
gonna have a zipper mark on your back.
Well it really doesn't matter because
this skirt is not coming off
until I get home.
Really, I'm not sleeping
with this guy yet.
Oh really? So how come
you're taking your diaphragm?
Oh, god, I should have
gotten shoulder pads for this.
It would have looked so much better.
I think you have
too much lip gloss on
and you're doing that weird thing with your
eyebrow that you do when you get nervous.
Is there anything else?
Like am I doing anything right?
I know what you're thinking.
-You do?
-Yeah.
I've been there.
Every salesman has.
You lost your job so your
confidence is shattered.
That makes sense.
And deep down inside you,
you start thinking to yourself
maybe you've lost
the magic.
So I don't know.
Let's say you did.
Let's say you've lost the magic,
which is possible.
But you're not gonna know for sure
till you get out there
and test yourself.
-Right? Like tonight with...
-Kathy.
Kathy. Now if you still have the magic.
You will make it happen.
Right? But then again, if you don't
so that you know
that, at least you'll know.
He's here! He's here!
Jessie, just...
Nancy, would you... just stay here.
Okay, okay. I'm here, I'm here.
What time will you be home?
Not too late.
Oh, Kathy, I told you
I couldn't stay late.
Al's been under a lot of tension at
work lately and he can't sleep without me.
One o'clock.
No, Kath, 12.
And 11:30 would be even better.
Okay, let's do it. Looks good.
He's talking to himself.
Come on, let's do it.
I can't do this.
It's totally ridiculous.
It's a stupid night to do it.
He's leaving.
He is leaving.
Come on. Let's do this thing,
let's just get it over with, come on.
Let's just go in and do it.
He's coming back!
He is coming back.
Would you two please come in here?
Come on!
-Hi.
-Hi.
Well, congratulations,
Mr. Regional Sales Manager.
Well, it could have happened to anybody.
But it didn't.
Well, this is nice.
Yeah. Thanks. We like it.
I mean, you know, my
friends all think it's good.
Yeah.
You ready?
Yeah, this is a big night.
-Well then we should go, then.
-Okay.
Wow! You didn't waste any time.
New job, new car... You're a lucky guy.
There are no dents in the car,
don't play with the radio
and the seat's exactly
the way I like it.
-Yes, sir.
-Okay?
Oh, thank you, sir.
-Enjoy your meal.
-Thank you.
I heard this place is impossible to
get into. How'd you get a reservation?
Hey, this is my town.
I wanted
to change my order.
Yes, the lady will take
the Caesar salad?
Oh, no, that has garlic in it,
doesn't it?
Yes, look, it's our specialty.
You'll love it.
No, well then I'll just have a plain green
salad with oil and vinegar on the side.
Very good.
You're the most considerate
date I've ever had.
-Well, well, David Morgan.
-Hi.
-It's been months.
-Yeah.
Eat shit.
I was gonna have
the veal chop.
What did you do to her?
Why do women always assume it is the man?
No. The story is that she has a lot of
emotional problems with her father.
And takes it out on every guy
that's ever nice to her.
Truthfully, I mean...
Sad.
-Hi.
-Hi.
-You okay? Good.
-Great. Thanks.
You talk to Zach lately?
No, he wrote the article, business
picked up, but he never returns my calls.
Bye.
Excuse me, where's the guy?
What guy?
The guy who parks the cars.
We don't have anyone parking cars.
But, but... You mean...
You don't have any...
No valet parking.
Sorry.
How awful!
I actually tipped him.
Yeah, I... I gave the
guy a car and gas money.
Are you okay?
No, you're not okay.
What can I do?
Well, I mean, you know. I lost a car.
I didn't lose a leg or a vital organ.
You know, I mean, people die. There's
floods and earthquakes. And, and, and...
It's, it's just... I don't know,
I've really had an awful day.
No, what about your promotion?
That's true.
Yeah. And you know
you're handling this very well.
-Really?
-Yes.
Even the police thought
you were very together.
You know, what am I supposed to do?
Try to ruin the restaurant by whimpering.
You can whimper in front of me.
Well maybe later. You know.
After you've seen my strong side.
You know, in a way
losing your car
has given us a chance
to go through something so awful together
that I feel lucky
to have gone through it with you.
-You know what I mean?
-Yeah, absolutely. I do.
I feel closer to you, too.
I do.
-So do you still wanna see a movie?
-No. No.
There's a new club on 3rd.
Do you like jazz?
Jazz? No. No. I can't.
I can take jazz for about
4 minutes, you know.
On a record while I'm talking to someone.
Some friends of mine are having a party.
Would you like to go?
-Friends?
-Yeah, I'd love for you to meet them.
No, not tonight.
Normally I would really love, you know,
to meet friends, but...
I just don't think it's a good idea
to go back to your place.
It's not you. It's everything that's
happened in my life up to now.
Well I understand that.
-You do?
-Sure.
Well, we could go back to your place.
Okay.
Whatever.
It's fine.
Whatever you want.
Are you having a problem
with your keys?
No, it's just that
the new key is a little stiff.
The hardware store was not... right.
Listen. When we get inside, could you
just hang out here for a couple of seconds?
Why?
Well, in case the apartment is messy.
You don't remember
what it was like when you left?
No, I don't.
No, come on, really. I wanna make
a good first impression.
No. It's too late for
first impressions.
No, that's not true. It's never
too late for first impressions.
You can have
first impressions for years.
So just stay right there.
-David.
-Yeah. Come on in.
-Is it safe?
-Yeah.
The cleaning lady was here.
I forgot. So it's all fine.
This shouldn't be here, though.
Oh. Yes. There you go.
It's just those little touches
that make a big difference.
So what do you think?
Well, I...
I don't know.
It's really...
-Different. Different.
-Yes.
-I like it.
-You do?
Especially its strong use of Rome.
And, um...
I'm sorry.
I'm just a little surprised.
-Why?
-I don't know.
You've obviously spent a lot of time
putting this place together, and I, I...
I guess, um...
I'm impressed.
Oh, well thank you. I mean, you know.
This is...
Like anything, you know. You've got
to have a place, I think, to feel at home.
With, you know, somewhere that...
seems just real.
You know. Because having
empty feelings, I find it just so...
-Wrong to have, you know.
-Yes.
So, close the door.
And, uh, come on in and
I'll just get rid of the mail.
Okay.
Okay, so, I'll be back.
Oh yeah, the kid in me builds those.
Oh, it's very impressive, it really is.
All these little pieces!
Well, actually it's an exact
replica of a B-52 bomber
-that my father flew in World War II.
-Really!
Yeah. No, be careful, it's like 350 pieces.
Oh, my god.
I'm so sorry.
No, it's okay.
It's just a thing.
-Yeah, or... things now.
-Maybe I can help you put it back together.
No, I just have to get the pieces.
What, why did I touch it?
I am so clumsy.
I can't believe it.
-What are you doing? There's no...
-I'm so...
-No, no, no, no. It's just...
-I'm sick about it!
It's nothing.
I don't care about this.
-It's just, I'm glad it broke,
-Oh, come on.
because it's, you know, it's
relaxing to put it together again.
Pfft, please.
Really! I was gonna break it
myself over the week.
I was.
Listen, Kate. It's, it's a slow week.
What?
Thanks.
For what?
For not making me feel like I
made a mess and everything.
So, do you wanna see
the rest of the apartment?
Oh yeah, a little tour would be nice.
Okay, so this is the kitchen in there.
Uh, well, it's just, you know.
Finally, a stove.
And this is the living-room.
I don't know why they
call it that, but uh...
Still kind of working on it.
And this is the bathroom in here.
Kathy, the bathroom is here.
As you can see I went with paper.
And this is the bedroom.
Oh, yes. I've seen some of these before.
Did you know that
statistically speaking that the
bedroom is the safest room in the house?
-No.
-Yeah.
We could watch television.
I have cable, MTV. I have tapes...
I think Americans watch
too much TV, don't you?
Oh, I am not remotely obsessed
with television at all. But, uh...
I could lie down and watch something.
What does that B.G. mean?
B.G. is a nickname from college.
Big Guy. I used to get a lot.
Actually that's a gift
from our graduation class.
Oh, a gift.
What is the significance
of the squiggle?
The squiggle was just...
Actually, I never asked
what that squiggle was.
I was just so honored.
The bed, by the way, is
the world's most comfortable bed.
I mean, even if you're not gonna
try it now I would suggest that
you come back when I'm not
here and take a nap. Because...
It looks really comfortable.
It's just that everybody goes out
and then comes back
and lies down.
And I was just hoping
we could be different.
Well, I know what you mean.
I think that you don't
wanna be too different.
In the same respect that
becomes its own kind of trap,
you know, trying to not do...
What? What?
-You know what I'd love right now?
-What would you like?
A drink.
-A drink?
-Yeah.
Sometimes when you go to a
man's apartment they give you a drink.
You've been to other men's apartments?
And they offered you drinks? These men?
-Yeah. With ice. And everything.
-Ice...
Sometimes they even
force them on me.
Hoping I get drunk enough
so they can take advantage of me.
And what kind of liquor was
this seduce... bastards were using?
I don't know.
I like banana daiquiris.
You like banana daiquiris?
They get me in a lot of trouble.
How much trouble
does wine get you into?
-Ooh, wine's good.
-Yeah?
If I stay awake I get in trouble.
Sometimes I lose some,
if not all, of my control.
Why don't you just
take off all your clothes
and I'll be right back, okay?
David, can I help?
No, I got it.
Good.
I'll just wait out here then.
Good.
Cause I'd, I like to get wine privately.
Have you read
all these books?
Books?
Yeah. Yeah. Well, a lot of them.
I like reading.
Who's Bruce?
Bruce?
His name's in all your books.
Oh, Bruce. Yeah.
He was a neighbor of mine.
And, uh, he had to leave town
suddenly so I bought his books.
So these are his books?
No, they're my books now.
And someday they'll be my kid's books.
Kids? Do you have kids?
No. No, no. I mean I...
I don't mean I have kids.
When I get my life together,
I mean.
Well your life seems
pretty together right now.
Well, you...
Uh, can't ever have
your life too together.
Don't you think?
-What about you?
-Me?
Yeah, do you ever
think about kids?
Yeah, all the time.
I mean, I have to.
Because I'm a woman
and there is this child
who I was just talking
to my sister about.
There's a really cute
child who happens to...
Do you know a lot about wine?
Wine? No.
Just that it comes in colors.
Buyed this kind of gentle
ros, they describe it as.
That I think you'll like.
Must be pretty good.
I bet you're one of
those wine experts, right?
No, not really.
But there is nothing like
a good California wine though.
Wait a second.
This lighting is wrong.
Will you sit down for a second?
I think that half the fun of
drinking wine is the presentation.
And this, the mood is not
what it should be here.
No, that's not it, it's...
-What do you think?
-Oh, we might get a little dizzy.
Yeah, I agree.
How's that?
I think that's a little too much mood.
Too much?
-Oh, that's good.
-Yeah, we're back to where we started.
Isn't that better?
-Do you play the piano?
-Uh, yeah. I play a little.
-Would you play something for me?
-No.
Oh, please.
I think it's so sexy.
All right, I'll play.
This is actually background music
for my Montgomery Clift impersonation.
-Do you still wanna hear it?
-Yes.
Okay.
I met Kathy at an outdoor caf but
because it was raining we ate indoors.
What is wrong with that?
As she looked at me
I said to her:
"Why do you stare at me?
Am I to be stared at?"
Who was that?
Montgomery Clift.
I'm not sure who that is
but it was very, very good.
Well, thank you.
I wanna make a toast.
To the woman sitting beside my right.
May we find a thousand
ways to get even closer.
To David.
In the hope that you understand.
Understand what?
Well, that, um...
Just like it takes grapes
a long time to become wine...
Oh, right. Okay.
I understand.
What do you understand?
That just like it takes grapes
a long time
that you can't rush a grape.
I mean, you can
but you'll regret it.
-Um, David.
-Come on. You'll break the mood.
I don't want to break the mood, I just...
My leg is starting to cramp.
So you, well, wanna stop here?
Well I think we should
take a break for a moment.
-Are you okay?
-Yeah.
I just have a bit of a cramp, it always
happens to me when I rush into things.
-Is there anything I can do?
-Yeah.
You can talk
to me a little.
Talk? You mean, like "more talk".
How about if I massage you a little bit?
Could that help?
You're not one of these guys who're
afraid to talk about things, are you?
No, I like to talk.
It's just, you know, we've
talked a lot, I think. Don't you?
So, you would rather not talk.
Honestly?
Yes. This is the time
to be totally honest.
Well, okay. If we're gonna be totally
honest here I would say that I think
that, that, that, we have to
be more relaxed about all this.
More spontaneous.
A little more active fun here.
So if this were up to me
I would rather communicate
with body language
now and talk later.
I'd like to make you happy because
that's the kind of person I am. I mean...
I've made total strangers happy.
I just, I feel the need
to talk a little more.
Alright, well then we should talk.
So, why don't you start?
Me, start?
-I have nothing really to say.
-Oh, it's okay. It's okay.
I will start.
So, tell me...
What are you doing?
Oh, no. Don't.
What is that?
Ten things you should know about
a man before you go to bed with him.
-Are you ready? Number one.
-No! For a quiz? You're kidding me.
-Yes! I saw this in a magazine and I thought
-You're not kidding.
-ah, "He'll love this."
-No, I, well what if I fail?
Will you have a little
confidence in yourself?
Oh I don't do well on tests.
I really don't.
-It's just...
-Look...
I'm sorry if you think
I'm being difficult.
It's just that I think we could
have something really special here.
If we just take our time
getting to know each other.
Like for example, I think you think
I am sweeter than I am.
No. No. I...
You don't?
Well, I mean I think you're sweet. I don't,
I wouldn't say that you're too sweet.
I just don't wanna make another mistake
-and fall for the wrong guy.
-Well I feel the same way.
-I mean I don't wanna rush...
-And Sheila Kramer is one of my best friends.
Sheila Kramer?
You mean, Sheila Kramer
who knew from the very beginning
that I wasn't interested
in a serious relationship?
The Sheila Kramer who I bought
a silk blouse for, for her birthday
even after we broke up and she
was going out with a carpenter? That...
Sheila Kramer?
How is she?
She's fine.
So is this, this is 'cause of Sheila
that you wanna do this quiz, is it?
Okay.
Look, David,
if we just hang out a little
and have a good time
and don't get into anything too heavy
and you take me home and tell
me that you will call me on Monday
and then I never hear
from you again, well, I...
I feel bad, I feel sad.
But, you know, in a
couple days I bounce back
and in a few weeks I think of you as this
guy was I was really hot
for but didn't go to bed with.
But if we start making out
and we're making each other feel really
good and suddenly we're naked, and, and
You see, I know that I'm very good in
bed, and I have a feeling you are, too.
No matter what Sheila said.
So, I guess what I'm saying is that,
I could fall for a guy like you
and I just wanna make sure
that you really are a guy like you.
I am, I am, exactly like a guy like me.
I just don't wanna be in a
restaurant six months from now
thinking of stabbing you
in the throat with a fork.
Listen, I'm, I'm not against talking.
Let's talk.
It's just that I am so
much freer with my body
when I really, really
know somebody.
Well then let's really, really
get to know each other.
Ask me anything. Anything.
What do you wanna know?
I don't know.
Is there anything
you want to tell me?
Like what?
I don't know.
Is there anything
you want to tell me?
No.
Just as long as we can
look each other straight in the eye
and know we've been totally
honest with each other, that,
that's fine.
Well, I agree.
I think that's the most important thing.
So, uh...
Ask me something.
Where are you going?
You want some ice-cream?
Sure.
-So ask me anything.
-Anything?
Yeah. What flavor do you like?
Oh. Pick something for me.
I trust you. Ready?
-Is chocolate okay?
-Fine.
How many women
have you slept with?
How many women?
Don't try to impress me.
What would impress you?
The truth!
The truth?
54? You mean, f-, fif...
Like you know exactly how many?
Yes, I do.
That's a lot of women.
Is it too high?
All right. Is 11 better?
-Okay. This is a big 25 point loss.
-For what?
Unwilling to take the game seriously.
I can't help it.
This tells me a lot about you.
-This is too much pressure.
-Okay. Seriously,
if you could only be
one or the other,
would you rather be
a giver or a taker?
What does that mean? Am I, uh...
Generous during foreplay?
Is that the, uh...
Real question subtly disguised there?
Okay, then. I would have to say
that I am a very generous giver.
Very.
You might even say I'm,
sort of a sexual Santa Claus.
Okay.
-Your turn.
-My turn? Okay.
-Have you ever had sex with a corpse?
-Come on.
-That's a legitimate question.
-Really?
Yes. 'Cause if you have
I would have to say
you're out of here.
Don't you wanna know anything
about the inner workings of the
woman you wanna sleep with?
Yes, I do.
Do you have herpes?
Do I what?
Oh, no. Do you?
No, I don't.
So do you wanna talk about it?
Talk about what?
What we haven't been talking about.
The big question of the day.
You're safe with me.
-I am?
-Yes.
I have a triple A rating.
I mean, you could eat off me.
I probably will.
How about you?
You look a little tired.
Okay, let's do this:
We'll go have a blood test,
come back here in a year
and then, if everything's okay...
We can continue talking.
What!
What did I say?
Going somewhere?
Then let's go to bed.
Let's just do it.
-It'll be great. Come on.
-Not yet.
-Not yet? When?
-Soon.
-Soon? Soon, when?
-Soon as I feel safe.
I'm just not the kind of girl who's good
at casual sex and one-night stands.
Casual sex?
What are you talking about?
This is, this is like my best suit.
I just need to feel that there is
some future in a relationship before I...
Okay.
Have you ever heard
of the word "commitment"?
Not that I want one.
I just, I just want a semi-commitment.
Even if it doesn't mean anything.
Alright.
I knew that it would come to this.
Okay. You want a semi-commitment?
I'll show you a semi-commitment.
What's your phone number?
-You know my phone number.
-I know your phone number.
There.
Is that enough of a commitment for you?
I just wrote on a wall.
How many other guys
have done that for you?
You probably paint
that wall every week.
Hello.
Hello.
-Are you okay?
-Yes.
When I came back here tonight
I thought it was gonna be easier.
But it's not easy, is it?
I guess I just was hoping
that we could really get
to know each other and everything.
Well you can't get to know
everything. You know?
No matter how many quizzes you take.
To really get to know somebody
you have to spend time.
You have to make dinner and,
you know, have the flu together.
Leave the bathroom door open.
Ooh, I can't do that.
I know. I guess I just wanna make sure
that we will spend some time together.
Otherwise life begins
to feel like an audition.
I mean, you're auditioning too, right?
One second. One more second.
Can I use your bathroom?
Yeah.
You mean, this is it?
You are gonna be so happy.
So.
How come you have
so many bottles of Maalox?
For nights like this.
What is this? A special kind of sweater
for women who like to prolong foreplay?
Oh, just rip it off.
-Are you serous?
-Well, rip it neatly.
And here I thought you had
naturally big shoulders
I don't know,
maybe it's not funny.
Would you like to hear some music?
Oh, I know it sounds kind of crazy but I
have a hard time making love to music.
I keep wanting to sing along.
Oh, okay. I understand that.
How about the lights? On or off?
Well I could go with no light
but when there's no light
I sometimes feel the other person
is maybe thinking of someone else.
Maybe if I just, subdued it a little.
What do you think? Just like that.
Are you sure that won't mess up your shirt?
No, no. I don't care about my shirt.
I want this night to be perfect.
You don't think that if we try for
perfection we may be a little disappointed?
But that if we think this could be,
let's say, a little above average
we could be pleasantly surprised.
Oh, that's gonna be a little tricky for me.
I-I-I tend to get right up there in that
perfect range whether I try to or not.
Oh, um, it's in the front.
Oh. Oh, yeah. That. I've seen them do that.
-Did I throw it out the window?
-Yeah.
Oh, I can't believe that, I'm sorry.
No, really. It's okay.
I won't be needing it for another 5 years.
-Need a hand down there?
-Yeah.
-Do you need these?
-Uh, no. Not at the moment, no.
What do you think they're
thinking down there?
Probably that it's like, you know, the
start of some horrible underwear storm.
David, let me in.
No, let me look for a second.
I wanna just...
-Experience this visual.
-Come on, I'm shy.
Oh, don't be shy.
I'm not gonna ask you to dance.
Come on, show me what you've got.
No, I feel a little puffy
and I haven't been to the gym.
And I, I think this whole physical
fitness thing has gotten out of control.
All right, David.
Why don't you get out of bed,
and we'll both stand here naked
and point out a few things to each other.
Yeah, okay.
Come on to bed.
You have a great body.
I like it from some angles.
My, my breasts are too big
and my thighs are bad.
I like big breasts.
Oh yeah, try wearing a Calvin Klein
tank top without looking like a hooker.
Sorry. I like 'em.
I can't help myself.
Are you okay?
David.
-Oh, David, you're leaning on my hair.
-Oh, sorry.
Kathy, I have a thing about my ears.
Oh, your ears are mine.
Well yeah, but I just, I just
like to use them for hearing.
You don't like that?
No, no. It was wonderful
but I just hated it.
I'm sorry.
No, look, I mean, it's me.
I just, you know.
Anyone else would have been
incredibly turned on by that. I just...
I wanted to make you happy.
You did. You did. Everywhere.
Except in the ear area. That's all.
But, the rest of my body's ecstatic.
See? I mean...
Man doesn't get happier than that.
-Oh, you seem happy.
-Yeah.
-How are you doing?
-I'm very happy too.
Yeah?
Um, just a second.
-What?
-I have a present for you.
-Can it wait?
-No, you'll want to use it right away.
Well, actually...
Oh...
Oh, great.
Okay.
So we have a choice, do we?
Super ribbed lube tube.
Versus new improved
supersafe, non-slip, unbreakable
sheep gut.
Special receptacle end.
For me that could be very important.
-Do you have a preference?
-No.
Do you wanna put it on?
No, you wear it.
Have we rushed a grape here?
-No.
-No.
David,
-I'm banging.
-I know.
-No, it's my head.
-Your head?
-Could we stop? Before I get brain damage.
-Oh, God, I'm sorry.
It's okay, it's not your fault. I just
must stop so I don't lose my motor skills.
-David?
-Don't stop.
-Do you smell something burning?
-Burning?
Are you okay?
Yeah. You were great.
I don't like to mention
another man in bed
but you are like Superman.
That felt so good.
I always forget how good it is.
I guess it's nice in a way,
becuase if I didn't forget I'd wanna
do it every minute of every day.
Crazy thing is I could
do it again right now.
Right now.
This is nice.
-Isn't this nice?
-Yeah, it's great.
What are you thinking about?
What am I thinking about?
Double digit unemployment.
No, come on.
-Really?
-Really, yeah.
I mean, how do they
get those figures for that?
What do they do? Do they phone you up?
Knock on your door?
Do your friends call up?
Why are you thinking
about this?
Because it's nice to have a job.
You get to go out to dinner, and then
come back to a wonderful
apartment like this.
Spend the night making love
to someone as fantastic as you.
You work hard and for what?
Nights like this.
Makes it all worth it, right?
I guess.
I mean, tonight was worth it.
-Really?
-Yeah.
Just "yeah".
No, not just "yes", it was great.
"Just great."
Well, just listen. I'll tell you something
that very few friends know about me.
I have used the word "great"
5 other times in my life.
And 3 of those times
were at sporting events, so...
So you've had a couple
of other good nights.
Yeah. But not like this.
That, you know. I mean, let's
say, let's say, great is right here.
Tonight is right here.
There.
Alright. Okay. I'm gonna
have to go on record
and say that tonight was
the best sex I've ever had.
I have never understood how men
can say things like that.
-Like what?
-Like "it's the best sex I've ever had."
Well, it's, you know, it's because
they're men.
And men like to say
large manly statements.
Do you know the second
greatest sex you've ever had?
-Yes.
-Was she great?
Did she do things I haven't heard about?
Well, I was alone, so...
What about you?
What? Do you mean, did I, did I climax?
Well, in a way, I guess that's...
Yeah, sort of what I was getting at.
A little.
-A little?
-Yes.
It was small but significant.
But small.
Well, with, you know, with
a new lover I never have those
type "A" orgasms or
whatever they're called.
-So, you didn't have the good kind tonight?
-They're...
All good. It's just that some are
the explosive kind and some hum.
Tonight you were just humming.
Men know nothing about women's bodies.
No, humming is deeper and
more satisfying than exploding.
Tonight I just exploded a little.
Personally I think that sex is
very overrated. You know, I mean...
If, if you...
If you think about how long
it takes for an orgasm.
and then you add up all those times
throughout an entire lifetime
you're probably talking about
15, 20 minutes max, you know.
I'll hum the next time.
-Yeah?
-Yes. A whole symphony.
-Okay. Well then, here's the game plan.
-Game plan?
Yes. I would say that we continue
to cuddle for a while and then
after we're through
praising each other and we
gradually drift off to sleep.
-Tomorrow morning wake up and I'll...
-Oh, no, no, no.
Tomorrow? I can't.
I mean I can praise and cuddle for a while
but I can't spend the night.
-You mean this night tonight?
-Yeah, no.
I have plans in the morning
really early.
Oh, I see.
We're all undressed and we're
lying here so nice and naked.
-Can't you...?
-No, we can be naked again together.
-Oh, forget it.
-Good.
Not getting it.
Hi. It's not me,
it's a machine.
Or maybe it is me.
Leave a message
and I'll call you back.
Hey, pal, it's Jerry.
Are you there? Hello?
I'm looking for David.
I though he might be there.
I feel so shitty for him.
I can't believe those
sun-glass-bastards fired him.
The world is so fucked up.
Unbelievable.
Tell him to call me.
Bye.
I, uh...
I didn't say anything 'cause
I didn't want you to feel bad.
I'll tell you something
that nobody knows.
Sunglasses is one of the most
cutthroat businesses in the whole world.
I'm sorry, David,
I'm sorry that you had such a bad day.
Are you gonna be okay? Because...
Yeah, I'm fine. I...
Because if you're not okay I might
be able to arrange to stay for a while.
You'd do that for me?
You should only stay
if you really want to though.
But I want to.
-Can I use your phone?
-Sure.
Can I use the one in the other room?
-Sure.
-Okay.
I'll be back and I'm
gonna take care of you.
Hi, Nancy.
Why do you assume that just because I'm
calling I'm gonna take advantage of you?
Alright.
Is Jessie asleep?
Nancy, please.
Well, okay, well let her just jump
up the stairs like a bunny one time
and then she has to go to bed.
Nancy, I have to ask
a big favor, a big one.
No.
Who said anything about coming home late?
No, I just, I just, um...
Needed like another hour or two.
Great, Nancy!
No, no no. No, I can't talk about it now.
'Cause I just can't go
into it, not right now. Okay?
Thank you so much.
I will never forget you for this.
Thank you so, so much. Bye.
Hi. Come here.
Door there. Yeah.
Careful.
-Hi there.
-Yeah.
Can I talk to you for a second?
Well, sure. I'm here for you to talk to.
Who jumps up the stairs like a bunny?
Were you listening?
No, it's, it's a totally random question.
-You were listening.
-No.
But I heard, though.
I mean, believe me, I didn't, I
wasn't trying to but I did hear.
So what about this Jessie?
I know what you're thinking.
You think that Jessie is this guy
I'm hiding from you, don't you?
You go out with a guy who
jumps up the stairs like a bunny?
Okay.
Here it is:
Jessie is this little
girl I know.
And is this little girl's mother one
of those sneaky cigarette smokers?
-Why didn't you tell me?
-I don't know.
I didn't know we were gonna
get this close this fast
and I wanted to
and I've been trying to
but I, I guess I haven't done
a very good job of it, have I?
-Of telling me about your daughter?
-Yes.
No, I would say you haven't.
I'm sorry, okay?
I withheld a little information.
Some men are scared
of a woman with children.
Well, I'm not one of those men, okay?
Although, I'll tell you something.
A woman with a child
can be a very scary thing.
You'd like her.
That's not the point.
You should've told me.
You weren't fair.
I wanted you, not a family.
Well...
I guess I'd better go.
If you didn't tell me about the kid
who knows what else I don't know?
-Could you look the other way, please?
-What?
Give me that, would you?
-Kathy, a few minutes ago we were just
-Don't remind me.
I knew this would happen. I...
I shouldn't have come back here.
This is exactly
what I was afraid of.
You give yourself to
someone and you let them
have something that's
precious and they just...
I knew you'd find some excuse. If it
weren't Jessie it would be something else.
Don't know what.
Have you ever heard of a
self-fulfilling prophecy?
-A what?
-A self-fulfilling prophecy.
It's like you predict something's gonna
happen and then you make sure that
-that same thing
-I know what it is.
Yeah. Well...
People do that.
They create situations.
No. No, David.
I wanted this to work.
More than you know.
Probably too much.
I wanted this to be the start of a...
But you didn't, did you?
You don't have to admit it.
I'm starting to understand now.
This was something entirely
different for you, wasn't it?
What are you saying?
I'm saying this night
is a success for you, isn't it?
Oh, now don't do that.
Don't pull that old thing on me.
I didn't seduce you.
This wasn't just about sex for me.
What do you call it?
That's bullshit, Kathy.
Don't turn this thing around.
Because I have been
totally straight with you.
I'm not the one who said, you know,
"let's be open and honest"
and secretly harbored a minor.
Maybe not. But you are
harboring something, aren't you?
Bruce?
What are you talking about?
I'm talking about this Bruce stuff.
Bruce, I already told you
about Bruce.
No, you didn't. You didn't.
Who is that voice on
the answering machine?
And, and, and this, this trophy?
"Bruce Gaynor,
numero uno, 1983-84"
Did you feel the need
to buy his trophies too?
And all these letters,
every one of them,
to Bruce Gaynor
at this address.
David, are you gay
-or are you schizophrenic?
-No.
Did I just make love
with a bisexual man...
-No, you didn't.
-...who is sharing his
-apartment with a man named Bruce?
-Look, I...
Because if I did
I could have a big problem.
I am not gay and I am not schizophrenic.
-This is Bruce's apartment, isn't it?
-Come on, what are you saying?
-You don't live here, do you?
-Are you kidding?
We're in Bruce's apartment because
why? Yours wasn't good enough.
Or maybe you live
with somebody. Is that it?
Oh, that's a good one.
I'd kill to have your imagination.
David, do me a favor,
do us both a favor.
Tell me the truth.
Look, I bought this place
from a guy named Bruce
and he hasn't moved
all his letters out yet.
And these are my parents
who are old and sick
and I love them.
-Those are your parents?
-Yes. Frank and Beverly.
I don't know
what to believe anymore.
Well, it's okay, don't worry. Really.
Because it's just, it's just, you know.
You're a little suspicious.
You know, because you hide
things, you tend to think others do too.
You're right. I'm sorry.
I guess I...
I guess I am the kind of person who...
I'm sorry.
Whoa, I'm sorry.
-Is this apartment 305?
-No, it isn't.
What apartment are you looking for?
Um, I'm in the wrong house.
I don't know how my
key worked in your door
because that should not happen.
So I'll speak to security
as soon as I can.
You must be Bruce.
-Bruce?
-Yes. I'm Kathy.
I can't help but feel
that I almost know you.
Me? No.
Well, there must be a mistake.
Come in. Come in.
You know David and his
parents, Frank and Beverly.
I'm shit. I'm...
the lowest form of shit.
Just, you know, spit on me, degrade
me, do whatever you wanna do. I...
I deserve it.
I'm sorry,
I'm really sorry.
I was sitting in this bar
across the street
and I could have sworn
I saw my car drive by
so I figured you left and I...
Your car?
Uh, I think you and David
have a few things to talk over.
So, I'm just going to head home.
Thanks for everything.
It wouldn't have been
the same without you.
Listen, I want to drive you home, Kathy.
-Oh, you do?
-Yeah.
Well this should be interesting.
Care to come along?
-No, I'm not... What is going on here?
-Nothing, don't worry about it.
-What's wrong with her?
-Nothing's wrong with her.
Why did she write her name on my wall?
What kind of person writes
their name on somebody's wall?
I'm sorry. I am sorry. And...
But I'll be back and I'll fix everything.
Well now wait, what does that mean?
You'll fix everything.
Kathy, wait a second.
Listen. If I had had the year
that I though I was gonna have
I was planning on getting
a place exactly like that.
And as soon as I close this year's
account I was gonna do a lot of things.
You said they were your parents.
Well, could be. You know.
My mother looked so much
like his mother it's frightening.
You said they were old
and sick like they were dying.
Yeah, well. We're all dying, you know.
From the minute we're born.
Pronto Cab Company, please.
If I didn't really like you
would I have gone to all
that trouble to impress you?
-No.
-Thank you.
Hello.
Excuse me, where am I?
Schiff's coffee shop.
-Where is that?
-3rd and Crescent.
3rd and Crescent. How
soon can you get a cab here?
Well, that's a big time span between
10 minutes and half an hour.
I mean... Do I get coffee, or what?
Yes, I want you.
-Coffee?
-Yeah.
Do you want a donut, sweetheart?
Do you know what really hurts?
Not only did you make me feel terrible
about having a child and not mentioning it.
You made me think
I was the only liar in the room.
So, you lied.
I lied.
Daters are liars,
what do you want?
You know what I want?
What I really want?
I want to take back the sex.
Here.
I know that you're not gonna believe this.
Is it about your parents?
When I saw you go out that door
I felt my heart actually hurt.
-Why?
-Because I like you.
Because I, I've never met anybody
who makes me feel like this.
Stop. This is...
It's too late for this kind of stuff.
This isn't stuff.
I really like you.
Stop anyway.
It's not making me feel any better.
I feel like I'm never gonna see
you again. You know, it's, it's...
It's like a cab's going to come and
take you off to Alaska, or something.
No, just home to my daughter.
Look, I don't have anything
against children, Kathy.
I just, I don't know any.
I used to when I was a kid but...
I'm sorry. I am sorry.
I was afraid to tell you the truth.
You know, and then when I
started lying I didn't know how to stop
because I didn't think that
you would like the real me.
Well I guess we'll never know now.
I mean I'm a guy who lost his job,
I live in this dumpy little apartment,
I drive a car that's always in the shop.
Did you think I was so small
that's all I care about?
No, I, I thought you were so
special that you deserved better.
Oh...
If the next 5 guys
that you go out with
are worse than me,
will you give me a call?
No, I don't think so.
Well, that's honest.
Oh, my god.
-Isn't that the...?
-Oh, my god.
That's Bruce's car.
-Hey you!
-No. Wait. Over here.
What are you gonna do?
I don't know.
SWAT team could be
handy at a time like this.
There's a phone.
Oh, no. We don't have
time to call the police.
-We don't?
-No.
Okay...
Wait here.
-No, David, don't!
-All right.
Oh, look, he's leaving.
See, I hate moments like this
because if I don't do anything
then I'm a coward
and if I try and get
the car back I could die.
What would you do?
I don't know.
I would probably
try to get the car back.
Shit.
All right.
Then I think you should.
This has really, really been a bad day.
Now's your chance
to turn it around.
Okay.
This could be the last really
dumb thing I ever do in my life
and, and, it would really help me
to know before I go in there
that you forgive me.
Let me think about it
while you're gone.
Hey.
You done with dinner already?
Drop the Snickers and
give me back the keys.
I didn't move the seat.
Did you play with the radio?
Yeah. But I didn't reset the buttons.
Thank you.
Now give me back the tip.
Come on, honey.
-What's going on here?
-Nothing. Come on.
This isn't your car, is it?
No, no. This guy is a friend of mine.
He's in trouble.
So I'm gonna help him
out while we go dancing.
We're going dancing?
Do you want a ride?
Bruce's?
-No.
-Come home with me.
-Do I have to?
-Yes.
It's time to make everything right.
How do you know
there aren't rats back here?
What do you mean?
You think there are rats back here?
Well I don't know.
Possibly.
God!
Get off me!
Get off my leg!
You dirty, rotten, furry scoundrel!
-David!
-Demons of Hell!
Ta da!
Jesus!
What are you doing?
Me!
What are you doing?
We're just getting our
underwear and leaving.
I know how to use this.
No! Don't!
I'm friends with the guy
in apartment 405.
Apartment 405 isn't
anywhere around here, buddy.
Bruce!
Bruce!
Bruce!
Bruce!
Bruce!
-Bruce, are you there?
-Bruce! Help!
What? What is it?
I'm-I'm coming.
Who is it? David?
-Kathy, is that you?
-Yes.
Bruce, tell this woman who we are.
Kathy, I just got off the phone
with your sister.
-My sister?
-Yeah.
I kept looking at the number on the wall,
I thought maybe you were
telling me to call you, or...
You called my girlfriend?
Your girlfriend?
You guys were fighting
so I didn't know what was going on.
So what, what's going on?
We found your car!
You found my car?
What does that mean?
Bruce, your car was stolen
earlier in the evening
by a very tough guy.
My car was stolen?
Don't worry, we got it back.
Well, David did.
Bruce, tell this woman who I am.
Bruce.
Please, Bruce.
I'm gonna stop by your apartment
tomorrow and I'll fix the planes, okay?
I spent most of my childhood
putting those planes together.
Well, I have time.
I'm unemployed, Bruce.
Bruce?
-Susan.
-Is this guy a friend of yours or what?
No, he's not.
Bruce!
Yes. Yes, he is.
He's a friend of mine.
He's my best friend.
Well, tell him just to get
the hell out of here now.
Hey, get the hell out of here.
Okay. Fine. Good. Okay. We're going.
-Bruce.
-Susan.
-What are you doing?
-Nothing.
You want some company?
Yeah.
I'll be right down.
Um, you wanna go and try
and find your underpants?
Uh, no. No. They weren't really me.
Really? I kind of liked them.
-You did?
-No.
This.
I was saving this
for the right moment.
Which obviously we seemed to have missed.
Here, this is for you.
The first time I saw you
I said to myself:
"Ray-Ban 237s with
double gradient lenses."
-Yeah?
-Yeah. Yeah.
Oh, God. Yes.
I can't tell you how many times I've seen
the right pair of sunglasses
change someone's life.
Yeah?
God, I wish that we could do
this whole date over again.
-You do?
-Yes. Yeah.
Me too.
-You do?
-Yeah.
Hi.
Hi.
Congratulations,
Mr. Regional Sales Manager.
Yeah well, thank you.
But I didn't get that promotion.
In fact I got fired.
Oh...
I'm sorry.
That's nice.
I think some unemployed
men are really great.
Oh, there's something
that I haven't told you.
What?
I have a daughter.
You do?
Great. I was hoping that you did.
-How old is she?
-Seven.
Seven.
So I guess they're like walking
and talking by seven, huh?
Yes.
-Would you like to meet her?
-Yeah.
Jessie, come here.
Hi, I'm David.
Hi, I'm Jessica.
-Is this really your daughter?
-Yes.
So.
Are you ready?
Yeah, I think so.
Then come in.
Come in.
As we stroll along together
Holding hands walking all along
So in love are we two
That we don't know what to do
So in love (do so in love)
In a world of our own (do so in love)
As we stroll by the sea together
Under stars twinkling high above
So in love are we two
No one else but me and you
So in love (do so in love)
So much in love (do so in love)
So in love (do so in love)
So much in love (do so in love)
We stroll along together
I tell you, I need you oh so much
I love, love you my darling
Can you tell it in my touch
When we walk down the aisle together
We will vow to be together till we die
So much love have we two
Just can't wait to say I do
So in love (do so in love)
Are you and I
So in love
Are you and I
So in love
Are you and I
I met her a couple of weeks ago.
The first time we went out
I thought "Maybe. Maybe."
Then the second time we went out
I thought to myself "yes".
Yeah.
Now I'm wondering
"Could a woman this good
ever really fall for a guy like me?"
I met him 17 days ago and he's...
he's so funny,
he makes me laugh.
He's the kind of guy a
woman could fall in love with.
All right, maybe I've already fallen.
I don't know.
Tonight's our third date.
The all-important third date.
Great!
She told me
she thinks I'm great.
Wait till she finds out the truth.
You meet some guy,
you think he's great,
so you end up going to bed
with some fantasy you made up.
And then you wake up in the morning
with someone you don't even know.
Which I have promised myself
I am never doing again.
I've got to break this date.
-No. No. David, don't call her.
-I have to.
You don't go with somebody
this good on the day you're fired.
Don't break this date.
-Why not?
-Because.
I think right now, feeling the way you're
feeling this is exactly what you need.
What I like about David
is that his life is so together.
We're going out to celebrate
some big promotion he got.
Well, that's a relief.
Mom and I would be very happy
if you could find someone
you didn't have to support.
I must like him.
I'm shaving above my knee.
You will get another job.
You will! I'm not worried
about you getting another job
but this woman,
If she's as terrific as you say she is,
and I'm assuming you're not lying
-She's better than I told you.
-She is?
Yes. And I don't mean just sexy, either.
Which she is. I mean...
Ridiculous. But although we
haven't even kissed yet, but...
I mean this is the kind of
woman you could fall in love with.
Really?
Well. Then she's got a
shelf-life of like 6 days max
and then she'll meet
somebody else and she's gone.
He doesn't even know I smoke
because I haven't shown him
any of my bad habits yet.
I can usually hide something
wrong with me for about a month.
I mean, he thinks
I'm this really sweet girl
that hasn't been
around very much.
Well, I can be sweet
when I want to but
I can't not have been around very much.
You wanna know why I really
lost my job this afternoon?
Cause I was honest.
That's why.
I'm there with a buyer from Sears.
Right? And he's telling the same joke
that he tells me every
time I go in to see him.
Same joke.
And it wasn't funny then
and it really isn't funny now.
But I'm sitting there and I was thinking
"Okay, get ready,
here comes the punchline."
I tried to laugh.
I really did but
it just wasn't there.
I don't know. Maybe, maybe you
should have laughed. You know?
I mean I don't think honesty is
always such a great thing.
I've got to tell him
about Jessie tonight.
Oh Kathy, trust me on this one.
Al didn't know I had kids
until he moved in and sat on Barbie.
At first I just assumed
he knew I had a child
and then, when I realized he didn't
I felt bad I hadn't told him right away.
Then, last week,
I couldn't find the exact
right moment to break the news.
What do you say?
"Pass the salt, and by the way,
would you like to see
a video of me in labor?"
No, no, no. You don't say anything now.
It's too soon.
The last couple of
interesting guys I've met,
when they found out I had a child,
they thought it was really great,
and really earthy and all that
but I never heard from them again.
Why did it have to be today?
You know?
Fire me Monday morning.
At least give me the weekend.
Hey, could we pick it up here, please?
Don't forget who you are, pal.
You're right.
Who am I again?
You're David Morgan,
the king of the road.
Yeah, well, king of the road.
Meanwhile my car is still in the shop.
Really?
You know what? Then...
You take my car.
-Your car?
-Mm-hmm.
No, no, it's brand new.
I mean,
it's a great car but...
I want you
to take my car.
No, no, no, cause I know how
you can be about your things.
You're right.
But I hate that about myself.
I don't give.
I'm not a giving person.
I want to change that.
It's wrong.
So let me help you.
How could I lose
a 30,000-dollar-a-year job?
I mean, you know. I mean...
Kathy owns her own business.
No one can fire her.
How come people go on dates?
Oh, to get to know somebody,
find out what they're like.
How come people wear perfume?
Would you do me a big favor?
Would you go and get that, that new
bracelet that I like so much? Please?
-Okay.
-Thanks.
Would you do me a favor
and take a Valium?
I'm not asking you
to take an entire blue
but I am begging you
to have half a yellow.
You really should be having more fun.
Dating isn't fun.
What are you doing?
What, are you planning of
bringing her back here?
Yeah, why? Shouldn't
I bring her back here?
Go ahead! Sure.
Why not?
Well no, I'm saying bring
her back here, that's fine.
Yeah, but you're saying it like, you know,
"bring her back if you wanna be an asshole"
No, I'm not. I'm not. I'm saying,
bring her... In fact I'm thinking,
if you wanna use my
new place it's available.
-Your new apartment?
-Yeah.
Is it great?
It's fabulous.
-These?
-Yes.
Would you just put it on the thing? Thanks.
I wouldn't wear that if I were you. You're
gonna have a zipper mark on your back.
Well it really doesn't matter because
this skirt is not coming off
until I get home.
Really, I'm not sleeping
with this guy yet.
Oh really? So how come
you're taking your diaphragm?
Oh, god, I should have
gotten shoulder pads for this.
It would have looked so much better.
I think you have
too much lip gloss on
and you're doing that weird thing with your
eyebrow that you do when you get nervous.
Is there anything else?
Like am I doing anything right?
I know what you're thinking.
-You do?
-Yeah.
I've been there.
Every salesman has.
You lost your job so your
confidence is shattered.
That makes sense.
And deep down inside you,
you start thinking to yourself
maybe you've lost
the magic.
So I don't know.
Let's say you did.
Let's say you've lost the magic,
which is possible.
But you're not gonna know for sure
till you get out there
and test yourself.
-Right? Like tonight with...
-Kathy.
Kathy. Now if you still have the magic.
You will make it happen.
Right? But then again, if you don't
so that you know
that, at least you'll know.
He's here! He's here!
Jessie, just...
Nancy, would you... just stay here.
Okay, okay. I'm here, I'm here.
What time will you be home?
Not too late.
Oh, Kathy, I told you
I couldn't stay late.
Al's been under a lot of tension at
work lately and he can't sleep without me.
One o'clock.
No, Kath, 12.
And 11:30 would be even better.
Okay, let's do it. Looks good.
He's talking to himself.
Come on, let's do it.
I can't do this.
It's totally ridiculous.
It's a stupid night to do it.
He's leaving.
He is leaving.
Come on. Let's do this thing,
let's just get it over with, come on.
Let's just go in and do it.
He's coming back!
He is coming back.
Would you two please come in here?
Come on!
-Hi.
-Hi.
Well, congratulations,
Mr. Regional Sales Manager.
Well, it could have happened to anybody.
But it didn't.
Well, this is nice.
Yeah. Thanks. We like it.
I mean, you know, my
friends all think it's good.
Yeah.
You ready?
Yeah, this is a big night.
-Well then we should go, then.
-Okay.
Wow! You didn't waste any time.
New job, new car... You're a lucky guy.
There are no dents in the car,
don't play with the radio
and the seat's exactly
the way I like it.
-Yes, sir.
-Okay?
Oh, thank you, sir.
-Enjoy your meal.
-Thank you.
I heard this place is impossible to
get into. How'd you get a reservation?
Hey, this is my town.
I wanted
to change my order.
Yes, the lady will take
the Caesar salad?
Oh, no, that has garlic in it,
doesn't it?
Yes, look, it's our specialty.
You'll love it.
No, well then I'll just have a plain green
salad with oil and vinegar on the side.
Very good.
You're the most considerate
date I've ever had.
-Well, well, David Morgan.
-Hi.
-It's been months.
-Yeah.
Eat shit.
I was gonna have
the veal chop.
What did you do to her?
Why do women always assume it is the man?
No. The story is that she has a lot of
emotional problems with her father.
And takes it out on every guy
that's ever nice to her.
Truthfully, I mean...
Sad.
-Hi.
-Hi.
-You okay? Good.
-Great. Thanks.
You talk to Zach lately?
No, he wrote the article, business
picked up, but he never returns my calls.
Bye.
Excuse me, where's the guy?
What guy?
The guy who parks the cars.
We don't have anyone parking cars.
But, but... You mean...
You don't have any...
No valet parking.
Sorry.
How awful!
I actually tipped him.
Yeah, I... I gave the
guy a car and gas money.
Are you okay?
No, you're not okay.
What can I do?
Well, I mean, you know. I lost a car.
I didn't lose a leg or a vital organ.
You know, I mean, people die. There's
floods and earthquakes. And, and, and...
It's, it's just... I don't know,
I've really had an awful day.
No, what about your promotion?
That's true.
Yeah. And you know
you're handling this very well.
-Really?
-Yes.
Even the police thought
you were very together.
You know, what am I supposed to do?
Try to ruin the restaurant by whimpering.
You can whimper in front of me.
Well maybe later. You know.
After you've seen my strong side.
You know, in a way
losing your car
has given us a chance
to go through something so awful together
that I feel lucky
to have gone through it with you.
-You know what I mean?
-Yeah, absolutely. I do.
I feel closer to you, too.
I do.
-So do you still wanna see a movie?
-No. No.
There's a new club on 3rd.
Do you like jazz?
Jazz? No. No. I can't.
I can take jazz for about
4 minutes, you know.
On a record while I'm talking to someone.
Some friends of mine are having a party.
Would you like to go?
-Friends?
-Yeah, I'd love for you to meet them.
No, not tonight.
Normally I would really love, you know,
to meet friends, but...
I just don't think it's a good idea
to go back to your place.
It's not you. It's everything that's
happened in my life up to now.
Well I understand that.
-You do?
-Sure.
Well, we could go back to your place.
Okay.
Whatever.
It's fine.
Whatever you want.
Are you having a problem
with your keys?
No, it's just that
the new key is a little stiff.
The hardware store was not... right.
Listen. When we get inside, could you
just hang out here for a couple of seconds?
Why?
Well, in case the apartment is messy.
You don't remember
what it was like when you left?
No, I don't.
No, come on, really. I wanna make
a good first impression.
No. It's too late for
first impressions.
No, that's not true. It's never
too late for first impressions.
You can have
first impressions for years.
So just stay right there.
-David.
-Yeah. Come on in.
-Is it safe?
-Yeah.
The cleaning lady was here.
I forgot. So it's all fine.
This shouldn't be here, though.
Oh. Yes. There you go.
It's just those little touches
that make a big difference.
So what do you think?
Well, I...
I don't know.
It's really...
-Different. Different.
-Yes.
-I like it.
-You do?
Especially its strong use of Rome.
And, um...
I'm sorry.
I'm just a little surprised.
-Why?
-I don't know.
You've obviously spent a lot of time
putting this place together, and I, I...
I guess, um...
I'm impressed.
Oh, well thank you. I mean, you know.
This is...
Like anything, you know. You've got
to have a place, I think, to feel at home.
With, you know, somewhere that...
seems just real.
You know. Because having
empty feelings, I find it just so...
-Wrong to have, you know.
-Yes.
So, close the door.
And, uh, come on in and
I'll just get rid of the mail.
Okay.
Okay, so, I'll be back.
Oh yeah, the kid in me builds those.
Oh, it's very impressive, it really is.
All these little pieces!
Well, actually it's an exact
replica of a B-52 bomber
-that my father flew in World War II.
-Really!
Yeah. No, be careful, it's like 350 pieces.
Oh, my god.
I'm so sorry.
No, it's okay.
It's just a thing.
-Yeah, or... things now.
-Maybe I can help you put it back together.
No, I just have to get the pieces.
What, why did I touch it?
I am so clumsy.
I can't believe it.
-What are you doing? There's no...
-I'm so...
-No, no, no, no. It's just...
-I'm sick about it!
It's nothing.
I don't care about this.
-It's just, I'm glad it broke,
-Oh, come on.
because it's, you know, it's
relaxing to put it together again.
Pfft, please.
Really! I was gonna break it
myself over the week.
I was.
Listen, Kate. It's, it's a slow week.
What?
Thanks.
For what?
For not making me feel like I
made a mess and everything.
So, do you wanna see
the rest of the apartment?
Oh yeah, a little tour would be nice.
Okay, so this is the kitchen in there.
Uh, well, it's just, you know.
Finally, a stove.
And this is the living-room.
I don't know why they
call it that, but uh...
Still kind of working on it.
And this is the bathroom in here.
Kathy, the bathroom is here.
As you can see I went with paper.
And this is the bedroom.
Oh, yes. I've seen some of these before.
Did you know that
statistically speaking that the
bedroom is the safest room in the house?
-No.
-Yeah.
We could watch television.
I have cable, MTV. I have tapes...
I think Americans watch
too much TV, don't you?
Oh, I am not remotely obsessed
with television at all. But, uh...
I could lie down and watch something.
What does that B.G. mean?
B.G. is a nickname from college.
Big Guy. I used to get a lot.
Actually that's a gift
from our graduation class.
Oh, a gift.
What is the significance
of the squiggle?
The squiggle was just...
Actually, I never asked
what that squiggle was.
I was just so honored.
The bed, by the way, is
the world's most comfortable bed.
I mean, even if you're not gonna
try it now I would suggest that
you come back when I'm not
here and take a nap. Because...
It looks really comfortable.
It's just that everybody goes out
and then comes back
and lies down.
And I was just hoping
we could be different.
Well, I know what you mean.
I think that you don't
wanna be too different.
In the same respect that
becomes its own kind of trap,
you know, trying to not do...
What? What?
-You know what I'd love right now?
-What would you like?
A drink.
-A drink?
-Yeah.
Sometimes when you go to a
man's apartment they give you a drink.
You've been to other men's apartments?
And they offered you drinks? These men?
-Yeah. With ice. And everything.
-Ice...
Sometimes they even
force them on me.
Hoping I get drunk enough
so they can take advantage of me.
And what kind of liquor was
this seduce... bastards were using?
I don't know.
I like banana daiquiris.
You like banana daiquiris?
They get me in a lot of trouble.
How much trouble
does wine get you into?
-Ooh, wine's good.
-Yeah?
If I stay awake I get in trouble.
Sometimes I lose some,
if not all, of my control.
Why don't you just
take off all your clothes
and I'll be right back, okay?
David, can I help?
No, I got it.
Good.
I'll just wait out here then.
Good.
Cause I'd, I like to get wine privately.
Have you read
all these books?
Books?
Yeah. Yeah. Well, a lot of them.
I like reading.
Who's Bruce?
Bruce?
His name's in all your books.
Oh, Bruce. Yeah.
He was a neighbor of mine.
And, uh, he had to leave town
suddenly so I bought his books.
So these are his books?
No, they're my books now.
And someday they'll be my kid's books.
Kids? Do you have kids?
No. No, no. I mean I...
I don't mean I have kids.
When I get my life together,
I mean.
Well your life seems
pretty together right now.
Well, you...
Uh, can't ever have
your life too together.
Don't you think?
-What about you?
-Me?
Yeah, do you ever
think about kids?
Yeah, all the time.
I mean, I have to.
Because I'm a woman
and there is this child
who I was just talking
to my sister about.
There's a really cute
child who happens to...
Do you know a lot about wine?
Wine? No.
Just that it comes in colors.
Buyed this kind of gentle
ros, they describe it as.
That I think you'll like.
Must be pretty good.
I bet you're one of
those wine experts, right?
No, not really.
But there is nothing like
a good California wine though.
Wait a second.
This lighting is wrong.
Will you sit down for a second?
I think that half the fun of
drinking wine is the presentation.
And this, the mood is not
what it should be here.
No, that's not it, it's...
-What do you think?
-Oh, we might get a little dizzy.
Yeah, I agree.
How's that?
I think that's a little too much mood.
Too much?
-Oh, that's good.
-Yeah, we're back to where we started.
Isn't that better?
-Do you play the piano?
-Uh, yeah. I play a little.
-Would you play something for me?
-No.
Oh, please.
I think it's so sexy.
All right, I'll play.
This is actually background music
for my Montgomery Clift impersonation.
-Do you still wanna hear it?
-Yes.
Okay.
I met Kathy at an outdoor caf but
because it was raining we ate indoors.
What is wrong with that?
As she looked at me
I said to her:
"Why do you stare at me?
Am I to be stared at?"
Who was that?
Montgomery Clift.
I'm not sure who that is
but it was very, very good.
Well, thank you.
I wanna make a toast.
To the woman sitting beside my right.
May we find a thousand
ways to get even closer.
To David.
In the hope that you understand.
Understand what?
Well, that, um...
Just like it takes grapes
a long time to become wine...
Oh, right. Okay.
I understand.
What do you understand?
That just like it takes grapes
a long time
that you can't rush a grape.
I mean, you can
but you'll regret it.
-Um, David.
-Come on. You'll break the mood.
I don't want to break the mood, I just...
My leg is starting to cramp.
So you, well, wanna stop here?
Well I think we should
take a break for a moment.
-Are you okay?
-Yeah.
I just have a bit of a cramp, it always
happens to me when I rush into things.
-Is there anything I can do?
-Yeah.
You can talk
to me a little.
Talk? You mean, like "more talk".
How about if I massage you a little bit?
Could that help?
You're not one of these guys who're
afraid to talk about things, are you?
No, I like to talk.
It's just, you know, we've
talked a lot, I think. Don't you?
So, you would rather not talk.
Honestly?
Yes. This is the time
to be totally honest.
Well, okay. If we're gonna be totally
honest here I would say that I think
that, that, that, we have to
be more relaxed about all this.
More spontaneous.
A little more active fun here.
So if this were up to me
I would rather communicate
with body language
now and talk later.
I'd like to make you happy because
that's the kind of person I am. I mean...
I've made total strangers happy.
I just, I feel the need
to talk a little more.
Alright, well then we should talk.
So, why don't you start?
Me, start?
-I have nothing really to say.
-Oh, it's okay. It's okay.
I will start.
So, tell me...
What are you doing?
Oh, no. Don't.
What is that?
Ten things you should know about
a man before you go to bed with him.
-Are you ready? Number one.
-No! For a quiz? You're kidding me.
-Yes! I saw this in a magazine and I thought
-You're not kidding.
-ah, "He'll love this."
-No, I, well what if I fail?
Will you have a little
confidence in yourself?
Oh I don't do well on tests.
I really don't.
-It's just...
-Look...
I'm sorry if you think
I'm being difficult.
It's just that I think we could
have something really special here.
If we just take our time
getting to know each other.
Like for example, I think you think
I am sweeter than I am.
No. No. I...
You don't?
Well, I mean I think you're sweet. I don't,
I wouldn't say that you're too sweet.
I just don't wanna make another mistake
-and fall for the wrong guy.
-Well I feel the same way.
-I mean I don't wanna rush...
-And Sheila Kramer is one of my best friends.
Sheila Kramer?
You mean, Sheila Kramer
who knew from the very beginning
that I wasn't interested
in a serious relationship?
The Sheila Kramer who I bought
a silk blouse for, for her birthday
even after we broke up and she
was going out with a carpenter? That...
Sheila Kramer?
How is she?
She's fine.
So is this, this is 'cause of Sheila
that you wanna do this quiz, is it?
Okay.
Look, David,
if we just hang out a little
and have a good time
and don't get into anything too heavy
and you take me home and tell
me that you will call me on Monday
and then I never hear
from you again, well, I...
I feel bad, I feel sad.
But, you know, in a
couple days I bounce back
and in a few weeks I think of you as this
guy was I was really hot
for but didn't go to bed with.
But if we start making out
and we're making each other feel really
good and suddenly we're naked, and, and
You see, I know that I'm very good in
bed, and I have a feeling you are, too.
No matter what Sheila said.
So, I guess what I'm saying is that,
I could fall for a guy like you
and I just wanna make sure
that you really are a guy like you.
I am, I am, exactly like a guy like me.
I just don't wanna be in a
restaurant six months from now
thinking of stabbing you
in the throat with a fork.
Listen, I'm, I'm not against talking.
Let's talk.
It's just that I am so
much freer with my body
when I really, really
know somebody.
Well then let's really, really
get to know each other.
Ask me anything. Anything.
What do you wanna know?
I don't know.
Is there anything
you want to tell me?
Like what?
I don't know.
Is there anything
you want to tell me?
No.
Just as long as we can
look each other straight in the eye
and know we've been totally
honest with each other, that,
that's fine.
Well, I agree.
I think that's the most important thing.
So, uh...
Ask me something.
Where are you going?
You want some ice-cream?
Sure.
-So ask me anything.
-Anything?
Yeah. What flavor do you like?
Oh. Pick something for me.
I trust you. Ready?
-Is chocolate okay?
-Fine.
How many women
have you slept with?
How many women?
Don't try to impress me.
What would impress you?
The truth!
The truth?
54? You mean, f-, fif...
Like you know exactly how many?
Yes, I do.
That's a lot of women.
Is it too high?
All right. Is 11 better?
-Okay. This is a big 25 point loss.
-For what?
Unwilling to take the game seriously.
I can't help it.
This tells me a lot about you.
-This is too much pressure.
-Okay. Seriously,
if you could only be
one or the other,
would you rather be
a giver or a taker?
What does that mean? Am I, uh...
Generous during foreplay?
Is that the, uh...
Real question subtly disguised there?
Okay, then. I would have to say
that I am a very generous giver.
Very.
You might even say I'm,
sort of a sexual Santa Claus.
Okay.
-Your turn.
-My turn? Okay.
-Have you ever had sex with a corpse?
-Come on.
-That's a legitimate question.
-Really?
Yes. 'Cause if you have
I would have to say
you're out of here.
Don't you wanna know anything
about the inner workings of the
woman you wanna sleep with?
Yes, I do.
Do you have herpes?
Do I what?
Oh, no. Do you?
No, I don't.
So do you wanna talk about it?
Talk about what?
What we haven't been talking about.
The big question of the day.
You're safe with me.
-I am?
-Yes.
I have a triple A rating.
I mean, you could eat off me.
I probably will.
How about you?
You look a little tired.
Okay, let's do this:
We'll go have a blood test,
come back here in a year
and then, if everything's okay...
We can continue talking.
What!
What did I say?
Going somewhere?
Then let's go to bed.
Let's just do it.
-It'll be great. Come on.
-Not yet.
-Not yet? When?
-Soon.
-Soon? Soon, when?
-Soon as I feel safe.
I'm just not the kind of girl who's good
at casual sex and one-night stands.
Casual sex?
What are you talking about?
This is, this is like my best suit.
I just need to feel that there is
some future in a relationship before I...
Okay.
Have you ever heard
of the word "commitment"?
Not that I want one.
I just, I just want a semi-commitment.
Even if it doesn't mean anything.
Alright.
I knew that it would come to this.
Okay. You want a semi-commitment?
I'll show you a semi-commitment.
What's your phone number?
-You know my phone number.
-I know your phone number.
There.
Is that enough of a commitment for you?
I just wrote on a wall.
How many other guys
have done that for you?
You probably paint
that wall every week.
Hello.
Hello.
-Are you okay?
-Yes.
When I came back here tonight
I thought it was gonna be easier.
But it's not easy, is it?
I guess I just was hoping
that we could really get
to know each other and everything.
Well you can't get to know
everything. You know?
No matter how many quizzes you take.
To really get to know somebody
you have to spend time.
You have to make dinner and,
you know, have the flu together.
Leave the bathroom door open.
Ooh, I can't do that.
I know. I guess I just wanna make sure
that we will spend some time together.
Otherwise life begins
to feel like an audition.
I mean, you're auditioning too, right?
One second. One more second.
Can I use your bathroom?
Yeah.
You mean, this is it?
You are gonna be so happy.
So.
How come you have
so many bottles of Maalox?
For nights like this.
What is this? A special kind of sweater
for women who like to prolong foreplay?
Oh, just rip it off.
-Are you serous?
-Well, rip it neatly.
And here I thought you had
naturally big shoulders
I don't know,
maybe it's not funny.
Would you like to hear some music?
Oh, I know it sounds kind of crazy but I
have a hard time making love to music.
I keep wanting to sing along.
Oh, okay. I understand that.
How about the lights? On or off?
Well I could go with no light
but when there's no light
I sometimes feel the other person
is maybe thinking of someone else.
Maybe if I just, subdued it a little.
What do you think? Just like that.
Are you sure that won't mess up your shirt?
No, no. I don't care about my shirt.
I want this night to be perfect.
You don't think that if we try for
perfection we may be a little disappointed?
But that if we think this could be,
let's say, a little above average
we could be pleasantly surprised.
Oh, that's gonna be a little tricky for me.
I-I-I tend to get right up there in that
perfect range whether I try to or not.
Oh, um, it's in the front.
Oh. Oh, yeah. That. I've seen them do that.
-Did I throw it out the window?
-Yeah.
Oh, I can't believe that, I'm sorry.
No, really. It's okay.
I won't be needing it for another 5 years.
-Need a hand down there?
-Yeah.
-Do you need these?
-Uh, no. Not at the moment, no.
What do you think they're
thinking down there?
Probably that it's like, you know, the
start of some horrible underwear storm.
David, let me in.
No, let me look for a second.
I wanna just...
-Experience this visual.
-Come on, I'm shy.
Oh, don't be shy.
I'm not gonna ask you to dance.
Come on, show me what you've got.
No, I feel a little puffy
and I haven't been to the gym.
And I, I think this whole physical
fitness thing has gotten out of control.
All right, David.
Why don't you get out of bed,
and we'll both stand here naked
and point out a few things to each other.
Yeah, okay.
Come on to bed.
You have a great body.
I like it from some angles.
My, my breasts are too big
and my thighs are bad.
I like big breasts.
Oh yeah, try wearing a Calvin Klein
tank top without looking like a hooker.
Sorry. I like 'em.
I can't help myself.
Are you okay?
David.
-Oh, David, you're leaning on my hair.
-Oh, sorry.
Kathy, I have a thing about my ears.
Oh, your ears are mine.
Well yeah, but I just, I just
like to use them for hearing.
You don't like that?
No, no. It was wonderful
but I just hated it.
I'm sorry.
No, look, I mean, it's me.
I just, you know.
Anyone else would have been
incredibly turned on by that. I just...
I wanted to make you happy.
You did. You did. Everywhere.
Except in the ear area. That's all.
But, the rest of my body's ecstatic.
See? I mean...
Man doesn't get happier than that.
-Oh, you seem happy.
-Yeah.
-How are you doing?
-I'm very happy too.
Yeah?
Um, just a second.
-What?
-I have a present for you.
-Can it wait?
-No, you'll want to use it right away.
Well, actually...
Oh...
Oh, great.
Okay.
So we have a choice, do we?
Super ribbed lube tube.
Versus new improved
supersafe, non-slip, unbreakable
sheep gut.
Special receptacle end.
For me that could be very important.
-Do you have a preference?
-No.
Do you wanna put it on?
No, you wear it.
Have we rushed a grape here?
-No.
-No.
David,
-I'm banging.
-I know.
-No, it's my head.
-Your head?
-Could we stop? Before I get brain damage.
-Oh, God, I'm sorry.
It's okay, it's not your fault. I just
must stop so I don't lose my motor skills.
-David?
-Don't stop.
-Do you smell something burning?
-Burning?
Are you okay?
Yeah. You were great.
I don't like to mention
another man in bed
but you are like Superman.
That felt so good.
I always forget how good it is.
I guess it's nice in a way,
becuase if I didn't forget I'd wanna
do it every minute of every day.
Crazy thing is I could
do it again right now.
Right now.
This is nice.
-Isn't this nice?
-Yeah, it's great.
What are you thinking about?
What am I thinking about?
Double digit unemployment.
No, come on.
-Really?
-Really, yeah.
I mean, how do they
get those figures for that?
What do they do? Do they phone you up?
Knock on your door?
Do your friends call up?
Why are you thinking
about this?
Because it's nice to have a job.
You get to go out to dinner, and then
come back to a wonderful
apartment like this.
Spend the night making love
to someone as fantastic as you.
You work hard and for what?
Nights like this.
Makes it all worth it, right?
I guess.
I mean, tonight was worth it.
-Really?
-Yeah.
Just "yeah".
No, not just "yes", it was great.
"Just great."
Well, just listen. I'll tell you something
that very few friends know about me.
I have used the word "great"
5 other times in my life.
And 3 of those times
were at sporting events, so...
So you've had a couple
of other good nights.
Yeah. But not like this.
That, you know. I mean, let's
say, let's say, great is right here.
Tonight is right here.
There.
Alright. Okay. I'm gonna
have to go on record
and say that tonight was
the best sex I've ever had.
I have never understood how men
can say things like that.
-Like what?
-Like "it's the best sex I've ever had."
Well, it's, you know, it's because
they're men.
And men like to say
large manly statements.
Do you know the second
greatest sex you've ever had?
-Yes.
-Was she great?
Did she do things I haven't heard about?
Well, I was alone, so...
What about you?
What? Do you mean, did I, did I climax?
Well, in a way, I guess that's...
Yeah, sort of what I was getting at.
A little.
-A little?
-Yes.
It was small but significant.
But small.
Well, with, you know, with
a new lover I never have those
type "A" orgasms or
whatever they're called.
-So, you didn't have the good kind tonight?
-They're...
All good. It's just that some are
the explosive kind and some hum.
Tonight you were just humming.
Men know nothing about women's bodies.
No, humming is deeper and
more satisfying than exploding.
Tonight I just exploded a little.
Personally I think that sex is
very overrated. You know, I mean...
If, if you...
If you think about how long
it takes for an orgasm.
and then you add up all those times
throughout an entire lifetime
you're probably talking about
15, 20 minutes max, you know.
I'll hum the next time.
-Yeah?
-Yes. A whole symphony.
-Okay. Well then, here's the game plan.
-Game plan?
Yes. I would say that we continue
to cuddle for a while and then
after we're through
praising each other and we
gradually drift off to sleep.
-Tomorrow morning wake up and I'll...
-Oh, no, no, no.
Tomorrow? I can't.
I mean I can praise and cuddle for a while
but I can't spend the night.
-You mean this night tonight?
-Yeah, no.
I have plans in the morning
really early.
Oh, I see.
We're all undressed and we're
lying here so nice and naked.
-Can't you...?
-No, we can be naked again together.
-Oh, forget it.
-Good.
Not getting it.
Hi. It's not me,
it's a machine.
Or maybe it is me.
Leave a message
and I'll call you back.
Hey, pal, it's Jerry.
Are you there? Hello?
I'm looking for David.
I though he might be there.
I feel so shitty for him.
I can't believe those
sun-glass-bastards fired him.
The world is so fucked up.
Unbelievable.
Tell him to call me.
Bye.
I, uh...
I didn't say anything 'cause
I didn't want you to feel bad.
I'll tell you something
that nobody knows.
Sunglasses is one of the most
cutthroat businesses in the whole world.
I'm sorry, David,
I'm sorry that you had such a bad day.
Are you gonna be okay? Because...
Yeah, I'm fine. I...
Because if you're not okay I might
be able to arrange to stay for a while.
You'd do that for me?
You should only stay
if you really want to though.
But I want to.
-Can I use your phone?
-Sure.
Can I use the one in the other room?
-Sure.
-Okay.
I'll be back and I'm
gonna take care of you.
Hi, Nancy.
Why do you assume that just because I'm
calling I'm gonna take advantage of you?
Alright.
Is Jessie asleep?
Nancy, please.
Well, okay, well let her just jump
up the stairs like a bunny one time
and then she has to go to bed.
Nancy, I have to ask
a big favor, a big one.
No.
Who said anything about coming home late?
No, I just, I just, um...
Needed like another hour or two.
Great, Nancy!
No, no no. No, I can't talk about it now.
'Cause I just can't go
into it, not right now. Okay?
Thank you so much.
I will never forget you for this.
Thank you so, so much. Bye.
Hi. Come here.
Door there. Yeah.
Careful.
-Hi there.
-Yeah.
Can I talk to you for a second?
Well, sure. I'm here for you to talk to.
Who jumps up the stairs like a bunny?
Were you listening?
No, it's, it's a totally random question.
-You were listening.
-No.
But I heard, though.
I mean, believe me, I didn't, I
wasn't trying to but I did hear.
So what about this Jessie?
I know what you're thinking.
You think that Jessie is this guy
I'm hiding from you, don't you?
You go out with a guy who
jumps up the stairs like a bunny?
Okay.
Here it is:
Jessie is this little
girl I know.
And is this little girl's mother one
of those sneaky cigarette smokers?
-Why didn't you tell me?
-I don't know.
I didn't know we were gonna
get this close this fast
and I wanted to
and I've been trying to
but I, I guess I haven't done
a very good job of it, have I?
-Of telling me about your daughter?
-Yes.
No, I would say you haven't.
I'm sorry, okay?
I withheld a little information.
Some men are scared
of a woman with children.
Well, I'm not one of those men, okay?
Although, I'll tell you something.
A woman with a child
can be a very scary thing.
You'd like her.
That's not the point.
You should've told me.
You weren't fair.
I wanted you, not a family.
Well...
I guess I'd better go.
If you didn't tell me about the kid
who knows what else I don't know?
-Could you look the other way, please?
-What?
Give me that, would you?
-Kathy, a few minutes ago we were just
-Don't remind me.
I knew this would happen. I...
I shouldn't have come back here.
This is exactly
what I was afraid of.
You give yourself to
someone and you let them
have something that's
precious and they just...
I knew you'd find some excuse. If it
weren't Jessie it would be something else.
Don't know what.
Have you ever heard of a
self-fulfilling prophecy?
-A what?
-A self-fulfilling prophecy.
It's like you predict something's gonna
happen and then you make sure that
-that same thing
-I know what it is.
Yeah. Well...
People do that.
They create situations.
No. No, David.
I wanted this to work.
More than you know.
Probably too much.
I wanted this to be the start of a...
But you didn't, did you?
You don't have to admit it.
I'm starting to understand now.
This was something entirely
different for you, wasn't it?
What are you saying?
I'm saying this night
is a success for you, isn't it?
Oh, now don't do that.
Don't pull that old thing on me.
I didn't seduce you.
This wasn't just about sex for me.
What do you call it?
That's bullshit, Kathy.
Don't turn this thing around.
Because I have been
totally straight with you.
I'm not the one who said, you know,
"let's be open and honest"
and secretly harbored a minor.
Maybe not. But you are
harboring something, aren't you?
Bruce?
What are you talking about?
I'm talking about this Bruce stuff.
Bruce, I already told you
about Bruce.
No, you didn't. You didn't.
Who is that voice on
the answering machine?
And, and, and this, this trophy?
"Bruce Gaynor,
numero uno, 1983-84"
Did you feel the need
to buy his trophies too?
And all these letters,
every one of them,
to Bruce Gaynor
at this address.
David, are you gay
-or are you schizophrenic?
-No.
Did I just make love
with a bisexual man...
-No, you didn't.
-...who is sharing his
-apartment with a man named Bruce?
-Look, I...
Because if I did
I could have a big problem.
I am not gay and I am not schizophrenic.
-This is Bruce's apartment, isn't it?
-Come on, what are you saying?
-You don't live here, do you?
-Are you kidding?
We're in Bruce's apartment because
why? Yours wasn't good enough.
Or maybe you live
with somebody. Is that it?
Oh, that's a good one.
I'd kill to have your imagination.
David, do me a favor,
do us both a favor.
Tell me the truth.
Look, I bought this place
from a guy named Bruce
and he hasn't moved
all his letters out yet.
And these are my parents
who are old and sick
and I love them.
-Those are your parents?
-Yes. Frank and Beverly.
I don't know
what to believe anymore.
Well, it's okay, don't worry. Really.
Because it's just, it's just, you know.
You're a little suspicious.
You know, because you hide
things, you tend to think others do too.
You're right. I'm sorry.
I guess I...
I guess I am the kind of person who...
I'm sorry.
Whoa, I'm sorry.
-Is this apartment 305?
-No, it isn't.
What apartment are you looking for?
Um, I'm in the wrong house.
I don't know how my
key worked in your door
because that should not happen.
So I'll speak to security
as soon as I can.
You must be Bruce.
-Bruce?
-Yes. I'm Kathy.
I can't help but feel
that I almost know you.
Me? No.
Well, there must be a mistake.
Come in. Come in.
You know David and his
parents, Frank and Beverly.
I'm shit. I'm...
the lowest form of shit.
Just, you know, spit on me, degrade
me, do whatever you wanna do. I...
I deserve it.
I'm sorry,
I'm really sorry.
I was sitting in this bar
across the street
and I could have sworn
I saw my car drive by
so I figured you left and I...
Your car?
Uh, I think you and David
have a few things to talk over.
So, I'm just going to head home.
Thanks for everything.
It wouldn't have been
the same without you.
Listen, I want to drive you home, Kathy.
-Oh, you do?
-Yeah.
Well this should be interesting.
Care to come along?
-No, I'm not... What is going on here?
-Nothing, don't worry about it.
-What's wrong with her?
-Nothing's wrong with her.
Why did she write her name on my wall?
What kind of person writes
their name on somebody's wall?
I'm sorry. I am sorry. And...
But I'll be back and I'll fix everything.
Well now wait, what does that mean?
You'll fix everything.
Kathy, wait a second.
Listen. If I had had the year
that I though I was gonna have
I was planning on getting
a place exactly like that.
And as soon as I close this year's
account I was gonna do a lot of things.
You said they were your parents.
Well, could be. You know.
My mother looked so much
like his mother it's frightening.
You said they were old
and sick like they were dying.
Yeah, well. We're all dying, you know.
From the minute we're born.
Pronto Cab Company, please.
If I didn't really like you
would I have gone to all
that trouble to impress you?
-No.
-Thank you.
Hello.
Excuse me, where am I?
Schiff's coffee shop.
-Where is that?
-3rd and Crescent.
3rd and Crescent. How
soon can you get a cab here?
Well, that's a big time span between
10 minutes and half an hour.
I mean... Do I get coffee, or what?
Yes, I want you.
-Coffee?
-Yeah.
Do you want a donut, sweetheart?
Do you know what really hurts?
Not only did you make me feel terrible
about having a child and not mentioning it.
You made me think
I was the only liar in the room.
So, you lied.
I lied.
Daters are liars,
what do you want?
You know what I want?
What I really want?
I want to take back the sex.
Here.
I know that you're not gonna believe this.
Is it about your parents?
When I saw you go out that door
I felt my heart actually hurt.
-Why?
-Because I like you.
Because I, I've never met anybody
who makes me feel like this.
Stop. This is...
It's too late for this kind of stuff.
This isn't stuff.
I really like you.
Stop anyway.
It's not making me feel any better.
I feel like I'm never gonna see
you again. You know, it's, it's...
It's like a cab's going to come and
take you off to Alaska, or something.
No, just home to my daughter.
Look, I don't have anything
against children, Kathy.
I just, I don't know any.
I used to when I was a kid but...
I'm sorry. I am sorry.
I was afraid to tell you the truth.
You know, and then when I
started lying I didn't know how to stop
because I didn't think that
you would like the real me.
Well I guess we'll never know now.
I mean I'm a guy who lost his job,
I live in this dumpy little apartment,
I drive a car that's always in the shop.
Did you think I was so small
that's all I care about?
No, I, I thought you were so
special that you deserved better.
Oh...
If the next 5 guys
that you go out with
are worse than me,
will you give me a call?
No, I don't think so.
Well, that's honest.
Oh, my god.
-Isn't that the...?
-Oh, my god.
That's Bruce's car.
-Hey you!
-No. Wait. Over here.
What are you gonna do?
I don't know.
SWAT team could be
handy at a time like this.
There's a phone.
Oh, no. We don't have
time to call the police.
-We don't?
-No.
Okay...
Wait here.
-No, David, don't!
-All right.
Oh, look, he's leaving.
See, I hate moments like this
because if I don't do anything
then I'm a coward
and if I try and get
the car back I could die.
What would you do?
I don't know.
I would probably
try to get the car back.
Shit.
All right.
Then I think you should.
This has really, really been a bad day.
Now's your chance
to turn it around.
Okay.
This could be the last really
dumb thing I ever do in my life
and, and, it would really help me
to know before I go in there
that you forgive me.
Let me think about it
while you're gone.
Hey.
You done with dinner already?
Drop the Snickers and
give me back the keys.
I didn't move the seat.
Did you play with the radio?
Yeah. But I didn't reset the buttons.
Thank you.
Now give me back the tip.
Come on, honey.
-What's going on here?
-Nothing. Come on.
This isn't your car, is it?
No, no. This guy is a friend of mine.
He's in trouble.
So I'm gonna help him
out while we go dancing.
We're going dancing?
Do you want a ride?
Bruce's?
-No.
-Come home with me.
-Do I have to?
-Yes.
It's time to make everything right.
How do you know
there aren't rats back here?
What do you mean?
You think there are rats back here?
Well I don't know.
Possibly.
God!
Get off me!
Get off my leg!
You dirty, rotten, furry scoundrel!
-David!
-Demons of Hell!
Ta da!
Jesus!
What are you doing?
Me!
What are you doing?
We're just getting our
underwear and leaving.
I know how to use this.
No! Don't!
I'm friends with the guy
in apartment 405.
Apartment 405 isn't
anywhere around here, buddy.
Bruce!
Bruce!
Bruce!
Bruce!
Bruce!
-Bruce, are you there?
-Bruce! Help!
What? What is it?
I'm-I'm coming.
Who is it? David?
-Kathy, is that you?
-Yes.
Bruce, tell this woman who we are.
Kathy, I just got off the phone
with your sister.
-My sister?
-Yeah.
I kept looking at the number on the wall,
I thought maybe you were
telling me to call you, or...
You called my girlfriend?
Your girlfriend?
You guys were fighting
so I didn't know what was going on.
So what, what's going on?
We found your car!
You found my car?
What does that mean?
Bruce, your car was stolen
earlier in the evening
by a very tough guy.
My car was stolen?
Don't worry, we got it back.
Well, David did.
Bruce, tell this woman who I am.
Bruce.
Please, Bruce.
I'm gonna stop by your apartment
tomorrow and I'll fix the planes, okay?
I spent most of my childhood
putting those planes together.
Well, I have time.
I'm unemployed, Bruce.
Bruce?
-Susan.
-Is this guy a friend of yours or what?
No, he's not.
Bruce!
Yes. Yes, he is.
He's a friend of mine.
He's my best friend.
Well, tell him just to get
the hell out of here now.
Hey, get the hell out of here.
Okay. Fine. Good. Okay. We're going.
-Bruce.
-Susan.
-What are you doing?
-Nothing.
You want some company?
Yeah.
I'll be right down.
Um, you wanna go and try
and find your underpants?
Uh, no. No. They weren't really me.
Really? I kind of liked them.
-You did?
-No.
This.
I was saving this
for the right moment.
Which obviously we seemed to have missed.
Here, this is for you.
The first time I saw you
I said to myself:
"Ray-Ban 237s with
double gradient lenses."
-Yeah?
-Yeah. Yeah.
Oh, God. Yes.
I can't tell you how many times I've seen
the right pair of sunglasses
change someone's life.
Yeah?
God, I wish that we could do
this whole date over again.
-You do?
-Yes. Yeah.
Me too.
-You do?
-Yeah.
Hi.
Hi.
Congratulations,
Mr. Regional Sales Manager.
Yeah well, thank you.
But I didn't get that promotion.
In fact I got fired.
Oh...
I'm sorry.
That's nice.
I think some unemployed
men are really great.
Oh, there's something
that I haven't told you.
What?
I have a daughter.
You do?
Great. I was hoping that you did.
-How old is she?
-Seven.
Seven.
So I guess they're like walking
and talking by seven, huh?
Yes.
-Would you like to meet her?
-Yeah.
Jessie, come here.
Hi, I'm David.
Hi, I'm Jessica.
-Is this really your daughter?
-Yes.
So.
Are you ready?
Yeah, I think so.
Then come in.
Come in.
As we stroll along together
Holding hands walking all along
So in love are we two
That we don't know what to do
So in love (do so in love)
In a world of our own (do so in love)
As we stroll by the sea together
Under stars twinkling high above
So in love are we two
No one else but me and you
So in love (do so in love)
So much in love (do so in love)
So in love (do so in love)
So much in love (do so in love)
We stroll along together
I tell you, I need you oh so much
I love, love you my darling
Can you tell it in my touch
When we walk down the aisle together
We will vow to be together till we die
So much love have we two
Just can't wait to say I do
So in love (do so in love)
Are you and I
So in love
Are you and I
So in love
Are you and I