Cruising Bar 2 (2008) Movie Script

(dance music)
As: Serge - The Earthworm
Grard - The Bull
Jean-Jacques - The Peacock
Patrice - The Lion
- Hello, Myriam?
Myriam, it's me.
Well, as we said,
l'll be there at around...
Call you back.
- Serge, come!
(panting and moaning)
Serge, hurry!
- l'm coming! l'm coming!
- Hurry, Serge!
(taking short breaths)
Serge, it hurts!
(woman moaning)
(Serge taking short breaths)
(both screaming)
lt hurts!
Help me!
Help me get up!
Hold on!
Did you call the ambulance?
- Serge?
- Uh-huh?
(liquid running)
- My water broke.
- Huh?
- Serge?
-Arrivaderci, Grard!
(suspenseful music)
(gun cocking)
-And cut!
Good work.
Fantastic. Real champs.
- l know.
- Call in the stuntman.
- Stuntman, please!
- Hurry, you're wanted on set.
- Thanks.
l'd work more
if American actors were taller.
They're shrimps.
The last U.S. shoot,
l couldn't stunt for Tom Cruise.
He comes up to here.
- Serge.
- Mm-mm.
- Serge.
Hey. lt's me, not him!
- lt'll be okay.
- He's early, l'm not ready.
Remember to call my husband!
Tell him to bring my things.
-And call Mom.
- Don't forget Mom!
- No, no!
- Thanks, little brother.
- Where's the fucking stuntman?
Where is the fucking stuntman?!!
- Maybe you should add
some padding here.
- Costume's too tight.
Go on, you're fine.
And a helmet?
- Go on, Schwarzenegger!
- No helmet?
- Hello, Myriam?
lt's me, Jean-Jacques, again.
Look, l'll be over
in about 10 minutes.
See you, darling.
She must be in the shower.
- Where's the fucking stuntman?!
- Where's the stuntman?
- l'm here! l'm coming!
l'm coming!
Excuse me! Excuse me!
- Oh, shit!!Ahhhhhhh!
- Oh, good god! Larry!
(Larry moaning)
Oh, Jesus!
Talk to me, Larry!
- Excuse me?!
l didn't... l didn't seen him!
- What?
- l didn't seen him.
ls he hurt?
- You son-of-a-bitch.
You fucking asshole,
get off of my set!
Get out of my sight!
Get off of my set!!
Larry? Larry?
(Larry moaning)
(cellphone ringing)
- Can l call you back?
- You get off of my set!
- l'd appreciate it.
- You fucking asshole!
Get out of my sight!
(engine starting)
- Salome, 35.
5 foot 11,
seeks yuppy
for a trip around the world.
7-figure income only.
- Mylne, forties. l love sex.
l want a man for sex
and nothing but sex.
Get the idea?
(beep )
l'm Serge,
l'm looking for love.
l'm Serge...
(beep )
l'm love...
Silly! ''l'm love''!
(beep )
- C'mon, open!
What is it today?
(ringing doorbell)
There! The lock...
What now?
Come on!
What is this?
(knocking hard)
Come on, Gertrude!
You can't do this to me.
Not after 30 years of marriage!
- This way.
Hide over there.
That's it.
Ahem. Ahem!
Oh. Sorry, l have the wrong door.
l'm sorry, forgive me.
lsn't this Myriam Legendre's
- Myriam doesn't want
to see you anymore.
- Hmm!
Thank you.
- l'm Serge, forties.
Late forties.
Serious, but likes to have fun.
Likes animals.
l'm looking for a woman
who's easy-going...
... and pretty-ish.
My phone number
is 514-842--
(phone ringing)
Gosh darnit!
Excuse me.
- Hello, Serge?
- Oh, Mom?
- Your sister delivered!
- Wait, don't tell me!
l want to make a wish.
A girl?
- Yes!
- l won!
l won! l guessed right!
- Hi there.
lt's me!
l gave those Americans
a knock-out performance!
The director couldn't believe it.
He said that in Qubec, the...
The stuntmen are...
... top-notch.
''l can't take it anymore.
- Hello, boss!
Did somebody die?
- No, no.
Well, then...
how 'bout we take inventory?
- Uh... no inventory today.
(phone ringing)
- How long had you been together?
- Two months.
ln a few weeks.
- Did you love her that deeply?
- No.
- Jean-Jacques,
what do you want from a woman?
(phone ringing)
(beep )
- Gertrude?
lt's me.
Your husband.
Pick it up.
- l'm not home!
- Gertrude!
Gertrude, jeez!
My days are endless.
Feels like three weeks already.
l can't work, can't sleep or eat.
l have no more oomph.
Come on!
Come on, Gertrude!
Wait a minute. Let me ex--
Gertrude, let me explain!
Gertrude, let me...
(dogs barking in distance)
- l'd put a mattress there.
- Beaudoin, you goddamn fucker!
Lower him!
- Sure, boss.
- Come on!!
Know how much that American's
gonna fucking cost me? Fuck!
Before you ruin my business,
l want you out!
Don't ever come back!
ls that clear?
- Do you think he meant it?
(setting car alarm )
(indistinct chatter)
(phone ringing)
- Hello?
Yes, speaking.
Ah, Suzy!
(doorbell ringing)
- l have tickets for Vegas!
- Take your babes to Vegas!
- Gertrude, w-w-wait.
lt was an accident.
l didn't cheat on you.
lt was an accident.
lt was just one time.
- Hello, what can l bring you?
- Do you have lnstock lceberg
crystalline water?
- Okay.
l'd like an Ushuaa water.
- Fine choice.
- Do you happen to have water
from the glacier in...
... Spitzberg?
- Yes, of course.
what about Jungfrau water?
(sexy sax music)
- Yes.
- Jungfraujoch water?
(sax music)
- Yes, yes.
- So, did you miss me?
Huh, my pretty Suzy?
(dog whimpering)
Aimer d'amour
C'est aimer
Comme moi je t'aime...
Aimer d'amour
C'est aimer
Comme moi je t'aime...
Depuis que tu es l
(revving engine)
Je ne pense qu' toi
(honking horn)
Tu prends tout mon temps
- Think you can buy me?
Tu es tout ce que j'attends
J'ai besoin de t'aimer
De te comprendre et d'tre aim
De te prendre...
(dog yapping)
- Oh...
aren't you good-looking!
You're so cute!
- Thank you.
- How old are you?
- Two.
- Do you come here often?
- What's your name?
- Serge.
Uh... l mean, Suzy.
Hi there!
- Bye, Suzy!
- C'mon, Suzy.
(Suzy yapping)
- Wait, l'm at my dad's.
Hi, Dad!
- Hi!
- Whoa.
What happened?
- Oh, uh...
... Marie-Andre left.
She moved out.
-Ah, l hate seeing you sad.
- lt's okay.
At least work's going great.
How are you?
- l can't be ready by 7:00!
- Huh?
- No, l'm talking to Tanya.
Thank you for...
Dad! l'm talking to you!
Yeah, hi, hold on a sec.
Thanks for my trip to New York.
lt's the best present
you ever gave me!
- My pleasure.
- No, not him!
lf he's there, l'm not going!
He's disgusting!
Look... Dad!
- Huh?
- You should get out,
meet people.
- Where can l go?
- Yeah, l'm on my way.
You and Marie-Andre,
it was coming.
l gotta go. Love you!
- Me too.
- Sure, Kim has it.
Wait, l have another call.
Hello? William, hi!
you're so beautiful!
You're... perfect!
You really turn me on!
- This is Sylvie.
She's a new student
we're thrilled to have.
(all): Hello!
- Okay!
Let's go over our samba steps.
Music, please!
(samba music)
left, right.
Left, right.
Left, forward, right, place.
Left, place.
Right, place.
Once more.
Left, place.
Right, place.
One and two.
To the side!
Keep the beat!
Everybody, choose a partner.
Come, Serge.
(doorbell ringing)
- Gertrude, listen.
''Dear Gertrude,
''l know l did things
that were wrong,
''but those days
are done and gone.
''No more will l stray,
''it's with you
''l want all my life to stay.
"Without you, it's true,
my life is through.
''l'll be faithful with kisses,
''like a loon to his missus.
''l'll be your loving honeybee...
... and you my queen.''
- Did you write that?
Come in, you dolt.
(swing music)
- Come on!
Do you want to or not?
- lt's not that...
You have a bunion.
- So? l have a bunion.
- lt's just that, me...
lt makes me...
- Forget my bunion!
Look at that!
Oh! My toe turns you off?
You're funny!Ahairpiece?
l'm sorry!
Forgive me.
(laughing hysterically)
l wasn't expecting it!
That's hilarious!
(swing music)
- Sorry!
Mrs Toupin?
Mrs Toupin?
Mrs Toupin?
- l don't know what it is, Doc.
l have a knot here.
lfigured it'd go away by itself.
But it hasn't. lt's like a lump.
- lt doesn't look good.
High blood pressure.
Soon arthritis, cholesterol...
Your prostate will act up.
You pee at night?
Takes 15 or 20 minutes
to wake up?
Don't worry.
lt's normal.
lt's called middle age.
Any changes in your life?
- Just that my girlfriend dumped me.
l don't get it. We were doing so well.
So l thought.
Came out of left field.
- Your erections?
- Huh?
lt's firm at the base,
softer in the middle,
and rock hard
from there to the tip.
l was just joking, Doc.
- Sex is no laughing matter.
(still clattering)
- Hey! Wait! Wait up!
- Excuse me.
- Hey, hey.
- Hey! Whoa!
Hold your horses, kiddo!
Let's get things straight.
- We'll work on your body,
then your mind.
- Just my luck.
l bet today's
the two-for-one special.
Two fingers instead of one.
Put on some music,
lower the lights a little.
- Take a deep breath.
(sucking in breath)
- Whoa-ho-ho-ho.
l haven't started.
Here goes.
No free rides.
You have to be careful,
exercise regularly, do cardio.
Take up a sport.
l don't know, jogging...
... or roller-blading.
Get your sex life in shape.
And learn to relax.
- There are conditions
if you want me back.
First, flab doesn't tum me on.
You'll diet. Second,
the next fling, you're out of here.
Third, when l feel like it,
l'll decide when we make love.
No canoodling
until l'm sure you've changed.
l call the shots.
- But Gertrude!
- Fourth...
- Listen, Jean-Jacques.
ln eight years of therapy...
l'll come to the point.
l'll be frank with you.
What l've wanted to tell you
for so long...
what l've tried to lead you
to discover yourself...
... what l have to tell you,
is that you may be gay.
- You're not serious?
- l am.
- Come off it.
- Yes, Jean-Jacques.
l mean it.
You have to experience it, try it,
to find out if you are
or if you aren't.
- lt'll melt away like butter.
- Can't we take it nice and easy?
l'll become so weak!
- Eat while it's hot.
- You know l hate cauliflower.
- lt's broccoli.
- Broccoli, cauliflower...
- Glucoflex.
Active Male Multi-Vitamin.
(both screaming)
- ldiot!
- Sure got you!
- You haven't changed.
Hey, Chief.
- l got you, huh?
-And how!
- l got you!
- ls Marie-Andre with you?
- lt's true, you don't know.
l'll let you in on it,
but keep it to yourself.
l broke up with Marie-Andre.
- Come off it!
- Yeah.
l split up.
- You didn't!
Are you in love?
You're in love, right?
Ayounger chick, right?
ls that it?
How old is she?
- 32.
Nearly 33.
- You lucky bastard!
- l gotta go.
- Okay.
Some guys have all the luck!
- See you, Chief.
- Bye.
- Oh.
Hey. Hey, hey.
Hey, hey! Hey.
Excuse me!
Hey, hey!
(sighing with relief)
- How bout a quick spin cycle?
- The laundry's done.
Sort your socks instead.
- My socks! My socks!
Who cares about my socks?!
l can't take it!
My balls are going to burst!
One of them's turned navy blue.
l need to make love.
lt's in my blood.
l'm a Simoneau.
My dad was like me.
My brothers are like me.
We have too much taster...
- Testosterone!
- Right.
l need to let go.
Do you understand?
lt's not healthy.
- ls yourwrist arthritic?
- Come on.
you know l don't like to mas...
... to masturbate.
l love you, l want you.
- l'm not ready!
-Ah... Gertrude.
- Why do you smell of garlic?
- l'll go finish my birdhouse.
- Me,
... a homo...
- Ow.
Ow! Goddammit all!
There, it's finished!
(upbeat music)
- Ow!
- l can't get my head around it.
l have to see the doctor.
- She's with a client.
Shall l make an appointment?
- No, no.
l have to see her right away.
- How about the 18th at 10?
- No, no, the 18th, today, now!
- Sir?
- l just can't get my head around it!
Sorry, madam, but it's urgent.
l'm not gay.
lt's impossible!
l'd have sensed it before now.
- Jean-Jacques, to be certain,
you have to try it.
- Really, it's impossible.
l don't want to be gay!
What will people take me for?
What will they think?
but not gay!
Who wants to be gay?!
- Uh...
sorry to harp on it, but...
... do you think...
today's the day?
does that mean
today's not the day?
l like your carrot salad.
lt's tasty... lt's tasty.
(rock music)
(rock music)
- Excuse me...!
Excuse me...!
Excuse me!
Excuse me!
- Oh-oh-oh...
Ah... ahhhhhh...!
- Excuse me!!!
Excuse me!
Excuse me!!
Excuse me!!!
(deep, scratchy voice): Thanks.
(''normally''): Thanks.
- Hello, Maurice?
Listen, Maurice, uh...
l've a little favour to ask.
(stuffed-up voice):
Hello, Marie-Andre?
lt's me, Patrice.
No, this isn't a joke.
lt's me.
lt's me, really.
Marie-Andre, don't hang up.
lt's me, Patrice.
No, l'm not okay.
l had a little accident at work.
Yeah. Do you think...
... we could get together tonight?
(sniffing loudly)
- lt's Maurice,
he's called three times.
- l don't want to play cards.
l like being home.
- He's an old friend.
- l don't want to leave you alone.
- lt's okay,
Henriette's coming over.
- Sure you don't mind?
- 'Course not.
(Latin American music)
- Where are your costumes?
- We said dress to kill.
- l heard dress like in Brazil.
l'll change.
- No, no, no!
You look fine. Let's start.
Take a partner, everybody.
(bunny-hop music)
(dance music)
- Hi there.
(country music)
But l don't give a rip
l'll stand barefooted
in my own front yard
With a baby on my hip
Cause l'm a redneck woman
And l ain't no high class broad
l'm just a product of my raisin'
And l say ''hey y'all''
and ''Yee Haw''
And l keep
my Christmas lights on
On my front porch
all year long
And l know all the words
To every Charlie Daniels song
So here's to all my sisters
Out there
keepin' it country
Let me get a big ''Hell yeah''
From the redneck girls like me
Hell yeah
Hell yeah
Victoria's Secret
Well their stuff's real nice
Oh but l can buy
the same damn thing
On a Wal Mart shelf half-price
-Ascotch, please.
And still look sexy
Just as sexy
As those models on TV
No l don't need no designer tag
to make my man want me
You might think l'm trashy...
- When your wife of 30 years
doesn't recognize you,
when she doesn't even answer
if you speak to her...
... it's not easy.
- Poor man.
Alzheimer's is the pits.
l sure don't envy you.
- You only have one life.
As long as l'm not dead,
l tell myself:
''Hang in there, Grard!''
- What are you up to, pal?
- Huh?
- That's not how it goes now.
- What?
Did l do something wrong?
- Today it's the girls who cruise.
Guys just wait.
- Yeah, right!
- You wait.
You let them hit on you.
-You wait?
Where's the fun in that?
- lt's pointless, Grard.
You're not inside.
- What do you mean, l'm not?
lt must be the condom.
l'm not used to them.
Damn condom!
- lt's not the condom.
You're not even hard.
- Come on!
Are you kidding me?
(slow Latin music)
l feel lucky
No Professor Doom
Gonna stand in my way
Mmm l feel lucky today
Mmm l feel lucky today
Well l strolled down to the corner
Gave my numbers to the clerk
The pot's eleven million
So l called in sick to work
l bought a pack of Camels
a burrito and a Barq's
- Go ahead, sir.
- What's with the sir?
Very funny!
Sir's my father.
No, thanks.
Nah, coke...
l did lots of coke. Whoo.
They used to call me Joe Blow.
lt's been 15 years.
Last time l was a quarterback
with the Alouettes.
l sniffed the entire 40-yard line.
Hello, Marie-Andre? lt's Pat.
Hello, Marie-Andre?
Taxi! Taxi!
- Hi there.
What'll it be?
- Uh...
- We have pure Everest air,
pure Caucasus air,
pure Machu Picchu air,
pure Aconcagua air,
or pure Kilimanjaro air?
- Do you have any Anapurna air?
l'll see, we may be out.
We do have Matterhorn air,
it's excellent.
- Fine, Matterhorn.
- Coming right up.
One Matterhorn!
- l feel sorry for you, Grard.
You're young for this let-down.
-Ah, it's just an off-night.
l don't know what's wrong.
Nicole, don't be cruel, okay?
Keep this to yourself.
Do it for me.
lt's not easy for me.
(change rattling)
- Down for the count!
- Well l'll be, Grard!
-Ah... Paulette, hi!
- lt's been ages.
- Yeah, yeah...
- Miss? Two Zombies, please.
Like in the good old days, right?
- Yeah, yeah...
- Listen, l hear you can't get it up.
- Huh?
- Yeah!
You haven't changed!
- No, l haven't.
You'll see,
just leave it to Aunt Paulette!
Ah. Thank you!
- l'm Jean.
- l'm Jean-Jacques.
(sniffing deeply)
This is Matterhorn.
The etemal snows...
- lt's airfrom Mount Albert.
- They have local brands?
Ah. l didn't know.
-Ahhhhh, Grard!
Make an effort.
- What do you think l'm doing, shit?
- Poor little thing!
- Goddammit.
- Don't worry, Grard,
l'll take care of you!
Come on! Come on!!
- Paulette, what...?
- Huh? Huh?
Huh? Huh?
(swing music)
- l think l hyperventilated.
- Oh...
- Move back,
give the poor dear some air.
- l'll give him mouth-to-mouth.
- Poor dear!
(all cooing)
- No, no, that's okay!
No, it's fine.
l feel better. Much better.
l'm fine.
l'm fine.
Fine, just fine.
- Grard!
ls Auntie's little piggy
going to get hard?
- Uncle Porky's trying, but...
- Come on, my little duckie...
- l'd love to, but what can l do?
l don't understand.
- lt feels like Play-Doh!
- Ow!
- Sorry!
- l don't know...
Maybe something besides duckie?
You know, duckie...
What do you think? l mean...
- Okay, okay.
Are you gonna get hard,
you fat fucking bastard?!!
- Huh? Don't overdo it.
Paulette, calm down.
Paulette... Ow.
Bring it on!
- Ow!
(rock-style music)
-Aren't you dancing?
(Arabic-style dance music)
(low-key music)
- Good evening.
- Good evening.
- Dom Prignon, 1998.
Comtes de Champagne,
Cheers, sir.
- Oh! Oh, Grard!
Yes! Yes!
Oh, Grard, yes!
Oh! Yes!
Oh, Grard! Oh!
Oh, Grard!!!!! Yes!!
Oh! Yes!!!
(screaming in ecstasy)
-Are you going to come soon?
My thigh hurts.
(still exclaiming)
- Would you dance with me, please?
- No, thanks.
(Middle-Eastem-style music)
(slow Latin music)
- Montreal is so beautiful at night.
- lt is.
- The cross always has
a few burned-out bulbs.
Have you noticed?
- No,
but, uh...
now that you mention it,
l'll pay more attention.
- lf two hours each night
we turned off...
... the lights
on the Mont-Royal cross,
we could save
thousands of kilowatt-hours...
... every year.
- Would you like...
more champagne?
-Yes, please.
- Poor you.
We'll try again another time.
Don't worry, we'll make up for it.
Take care of yourself.
Aunt Paulette's going to have
a last night cap.
- Home already?
- Last time l play cards
Saturday night.
- Did you lose?
- No, l didn't lose.
l came out even.
- Let me watch
the end of my film!
(light opera)
- Come dance.
- Gertrude.
Gertrude... Gertrude...
-Ah! Grard!
Grard, your birdhouse!
- Who cares?!
-Ah! No!
(slow music)
(sucking in breath)
- Gertrude!
- Oh!
- Wait up!
- Wait till l catch you!
- Oh! Losing your pants?
- Gertrude!
You drive me wild!
Get over here!
(laughing shyly)
Gertrude! Gertrude! Ha-ha!
Oh, no, Gertrude.
Gertrude, no.
- What's wrong?
- lt's too late.
l came.
- What?
- Yeah, l came.
- What?
- Got you!
- Ow!!!
- What is it?
- Ha-ha! Got you too!
- Gertrude...
- l got you too!
(drunkenly): l-l-l'm not homosexual.
l told my shrink,
but she wouldn't believe me.
She said l had to test myself.
it's done. lt's overwith.
l'm not gay.
l didn't get hard.
l'm sorry.
But l'm so happy.
But you're gay.
You got hard.
- Oh, Grard!
- Oh, Gertrude!
(moaning softly)
- Yes, yes, yes, Grard!
Ahhhh! Gertrude!
Gertrude! Oh, oh, Gertrude!
(moaning softly)
- l consulted some colleagues.
We concluded that you,
are an extremely rare case.
The last-known case like yours
was reported in Missouri
in 1985.
Brace yourself, it won't be easy.
We know, now,
that you're not homosexual.
you're not heterosexual either.
You don't like men,
you don't like women.
You like... yourself.
You love yourself above anything,
which doesn't leave room
for anyone else.
you are...
- Lucky l'm right-handed.
- Will you-
- No.
Don't worry,
l won't stay like this.
The doctor swore it.
- Really?
- Hope to die...
(mock horking)
(music ring tone)
l can't believe it.
Me, Jean-Jacques Cayouette...
- Uh, l...
l had a little accident.
But it's temporary...
... apparently.
What can l say about myself?
Well, l'm--
(bell ringing)
lt's temporary.
lt's a little accident l had
stunting for...
uh, Brad Pitt.
-As you can see,
l'm working on myself.
l'm, uh...
a new man.
The real Jean-Jacques.
... even so...
... l don't feel happier.
The emptiness... is still there.
- Grard!
Hey, come here, Grard!
- Yeah!
- Whoo-hoo!
- Marie-Andre?
(water breaking)