Crystal Lake (2023) Movie Script

- It says she's only considered missing at this time,
and to call if anyone has any information,
but she's been missing since the murders.
Do you think it's somehow connected?
Oh my God, what the hell, my phone.
- So here's some information, they're dead,
like the rest of 'em.
- You got my phone wet, jerk.
- It's waterproof. - It's water resistant.
There's a difference.
Oh my God, my phone!
What the hell, Adam?
- See waterproof.
- You should just grab her by the pussy.
- Imala.
- What?
That elementary school bullshit
where you're being mean to the girl you wanna fuck
is so last year.
- Yeah, you can't just grab a girl by her...
- Pussy, say pussy.
- Parts.
- If it's good enough for a POTUS,
then it's good enough for me.
- Okay, let's not get all political, we're on vacation.
I'm not gonna grab anyone by anything.
So I'm just gonna relax
and have a good time with my girlfriend.
- And solve the murders.
- Now what?
Yeah, that's why we're here.
- I thought we're on vacation.
- We are, but I figured since we're here, I mean, (laughs)
how do you think we could afford this place?
This is the murder house.
- Oh, this is the murder house?
So I'm gonna have sex tonight in a bed
that somebody was killed in?
- Only if she a whore with no self-respect.
- Oh, and isn't that the slut
calling the whore a prostitute?
- Prostitute?
- Slut?
- It's a saying. - No, it's not.
- It's like you don't throw stones
when you live in a glass house.
- Yeah, you shoulda use that one then. (chuckles)
- For real, idiot.
- I thought they found the guy that did that.
- They had a suspect, but they
couldn't pin anything on him.
- They don't pin things on suspects.
They convict criminals in a
court of law with evidence.
- They don't pin things?
Have you seen "Making a Murderer?"
- Yeah, he killed a cat and he deserves to fry.
- He might have done that,
but they pinned that murder on him.
- Okay, okay, stop arguing.
And you want me to spend my entire vacation
trying to find a guy who killed a bunch of people
in this house two years ago?
- Yep.
- Why?
Why would I do that?
Because that's what we do.
- Since when?
Since when did we become Scooby Doo and Crew?
- Since now. - I'm Velma.
- I'm Velma, you're Daphne.
- Hmm, she's Scooby.
Does that make you Shaggy?
You're such a jerk.
I'm only teasing.
Okay, I'll solve the mystery.
It was the husband.
Why do you think that?
- Because the husband always does it.
- Mm, they think there was two of them.
- Okay, then it was...
Okay, it was the husband and his buddy.
Why do you assume it was a man at all?
- Because they were manhandled.
The bodies were thrown around and torn apart.
So are you saying a woman is not capable?
- Yeah, is that what you're saying?
- Are you a sexist, Adam?
- They were man-handled.
The word man is in the saying.
No, I am not a sexist, it is what it is.
- Did someone say sex?
If you're lucky, I'll give it up.
First, (claps hands) food's here.
Let's go.
- Hello?
Hey, Hoyt, how in the hell are you?
I'm good, Monty, but I'm late for work.
Can I call you later?
How's Cindy?
- I don't have time.
She's no longer in the picture.
Did you catch her cheating?
I tried telling you about that woman.
- No, but why would you say that?
You know what, it doesn't fuckin' matter.
She's not here and she ain't
gonna be coming around no more.
If she's not around,
I reckon you should just come home.
- Why would I want to move back to Texas?
Ain't nothing but a shit hole
and the football team sucks.
For one, your family is down here
and I haven't seen Tommy
since he was just an itty, bitty thing.
I'd love to see him.
You could stay with me rent-free
and just help me around the house.
Billy said you could work
with him at the sheriff's office.
- Sheriff, huh?
I could see that. (pounding on the door)
What the fuck,
does everybody know I'm fuckin' late for work?
Monty, can I call you back later?
We'll talk, bye.
- Is this your son?
- It depends, who's asking?
- I am.
Your son hit my son with a baseball bat.
It's just a whiffle ball bat.
- That's not the point.
- Maybe your son deserved it, did you ever think of that?
- Excuse me?
- Maybe your son called you a fat, fuckin' bitch,
and my son defended your honor
'cause you weren't there to do it for yourself.
Did you ever think of that, Karen?
- My name is Paula.
- Same thing.
Is it true?
But he was bullying me.
You know what, I don't care, I'm late for work.
You know people are gonna make fun of you
for the way you look, you can't let that bother you.
- But it's not fair.
- You know what, life's not fair.
Quit your whining boy.
You'll live.
Well, I'm late for my shift.
There's milk in the fridge,
make yourself some cereal if you get hungry.
And I'll be home to check on you on my break,
so don't do anything fuckin' stupid, you got me?
- Oh, and clean out that fuckin shit box.
I can't stand that smell.
I'll get rid of that cat if you don't take care of it.
You understand me, boy? - Yes.
- Yes what?
Yes, I'll take care of it, sir.
- Well, that's better.
- Hey guys, I got something special for us.
- Mm, is that the hot sauce
you've been waiting for forever?
- Four months, 12 days, 12 hours, and four minutes, yes.
And just calling this hot sauce is a travesty.
The peppers that were in this
come from seeds that were stolen off a farm in Peru
and genetically modified in a lab in North Korea
where they were supposed to go
into some kind of chemical weapon.
One of the engineers that worked on the project
smuggled them into the United Kingdom
where they were grown and hand crushed
into this beautiful and exotic elixir
you see in front of you today.
- So I'm guessing it's hot?
The underside of my balls are hot.
This is something different.
Have you guys ever seen the show, "Hot Ones?"
- Mmhmm.
- Yeah.
- Well, they used this, but they got sued, so.
So you bought the bottle.
- Oh, I bought all of 'em.
It took a while to clear customs,
and I can't get FDA clearance, so I can't sell it,
and I'm legally obligated to have you guys fill out
this waiver before you can eat any.
You guys had a chance to paint with Vincent Van Gogh.
Instead, you cut off your ear to spite your face.
It's cut off your nose.
- Van Gogh cut his ear off.
- Yeah, I know, but the saying is,
you cut off your nose to spite your face.
Oh my God.
- Holy shit!
Holy Fuck!
This is hotter than the Devil's tank!
- [Imala] There's milk in the fridge.
- Wait, aren't you lactose intolerant?
- I am.
I'll be fine.
- Okay.
- Oh, he's gonna have the shits.
Sam, why are you sitting by yourself?
- I don't know.
Well get over here and meet everybody.
That's why I invited you here.
You want some wine?
- No, I don't drink.
Like never?
- Sometimes, but I just don't drink normally.
- We're partying in the murder house.
It's not normal, like, come on.
- Yeah. - I don't know.
- Come on, relax a little, you'll be fine.
You'll be fine, you'll be fine.
You'll be fine, you'll be fine.
- You'll be fine. - Yeah.
- Okay.
- Cheers to a long, happy life.
- Ah. - Yeah.
Oh shit.
I'm in here.
- Oh my God.
- Sorry, my IBS is acting up.
What are you doing?
- It smells like someone put
a stink bomb in a skunk's ass.
- It's a medical condition.
I spilled wine on my shirt.
Hey, my eyes are up here.
- It's definitely going in the spank bank.
You're disgusting.
- I'm a perfectly normal functioning male.
- What you reading?
- Just an article.
Anything life-altering?
- Well, maybe.
Who's your favorite porn store?
- What?
I don't have a favorite porn star.
Who has a favorite porn star?
- Everybody.
Everybody has a favorite porn star.
For instance, mine is August Ames.
She was cyber bullied and she killed herself,
and now I feel like I'm gonna feel bad
every time I to jerk off to her videos
'cause I know she's dead.
- You're gross.
- A man opens up to you about his vulnerabilities
and you just attack with personal attacks.
That's helpful.
- Look, she shouldn't have been a slut
and did porn in the first place.
And you should hate yourself
for beating your dick off
to someone's dead daughter.
- Jesus Christ, Imala, did you have to say it like that?
Could you make me feel any worse?
- Is that a rhetorical question?
- Yes.
God, yes.
- Well, don't forget to wipe.
And oh yeah, hurry up, we asked Sam to drink.
- What?
She better not have touched any of my White Claws.
I barely have enough for me!
Next, you're gonna be giving her my edibles!
- You see those lines, there's
a reason for the crosswalk.
For one, it's your safety,
so you don't end up a road pizza, you dumb shit.
You know what, I should just
take you into jail right now.
- Do you have any guns?
- No.
- Drugs?
- No.
- Warrants?
- No.
- Yeah, well we'll find... Let this bitch go.
- Hey, did you just call me a bitch?
- Just get outta here before
I let him do a cavity search.
- Hey, what'd you do that for?
That could have been
an extremely, dangerous criminal you just let go.
- Dangerous criminals do not drink mocha lattes
and eat cream puff pastries from Rich Barrel Coffee.
- You don't know that.
- I've been around long enough to know a few things.
- So McAlister says we have foot patrol today
and the rest of the week.
Whose chair did you shit in to give us this detail?
- I was late a couple times this week.
- You are retiring, not me.
Don't fuck my shit up because you're on your way out.
I did a little drink and I overslept, my bad.
- Oh, so you get to make questionable life decisions
and I get to suffer the consequences.
Fuck you, get your head outta your ass, Hoyt.
- Enough with the yelling, I got a fuckin' headache.
Come on.
- What?
- Come on, let's get something to eat.
- We have a beat to patrol.
- I think we're okay.
Okay, and if we get caught, if someone sees us?
- Who's going to check on us?
Come on, I'm hungry.
They serve breakfast all day in there
and they make one hell of an omelet.
Horrible fuckin' influence.
You wash your hands, pig?
- Mmhmm.
- Ew.
- Mmhmm.
Y'all, let's play Truth or Dare.
- What are we, 12?
- Are you scared?
- Okay, let's go.
- Fine, truth or dare?
- Wait, wait, wait, we have to establish the rules.
- Rules, what are you talking about, rules?
It's Truth or Dare, you either ask a question,
or you're told to do a dare.
- Well, what if you don't answer the question
or do the dare?
- Well... See,
this is why we need rules.
- You have to take a shot if
you don't answer your question.
What if you don't drink?
Mmhmm, you do now.
- What if you refuse a dare?
- Then you have to remove a piece of clothing.
- Okay.
- Oh my gosh.
She's cool.
- He.
- What?
- I identify as he, him.
- Wait, do you have a dick?
'Cause you look like a chick.
- No, I have what you would refer to as a female body.
- What the hell do you mean?
You're either a male or female.
It's science, either you're an inny or an outty.
- I'm gender fluid.
- What the hell is that?
You mean like a hermaphrodite?
No, it means I can identify as a male or female,
whenever I want.
- That's bullshit, you can't do that.
- Isaac.
- Come on.
Can I identify as something I'm not?
Like, okay, I identify as someone rich.
Nope, nothing changed, still broke.
- Not quite the same.
But I love that you tried to wrap
your tiny little brain around the concept.
Thank you for trying. - Tiny brain?
This chick's unbelievable.
- Seriously, like I can just
identify as anything I want.
I guess I'm a unicorn.
- But a male or a female unicorn?
A unicorn is a fictitious creature, bro.
- Still male or female.
- How about one that you wouldn't try and fuck.
- Can you imagine the conversation cred?
Like, "Hey, what did you do yesterday?"
"I fucked a unicorn, how about you?"
- That's gross.
- Wait, wait, I know how to settle this.
When you go to the restroom,
do you use the men's or the women's?
- Isaac, you can't just ask somebody that.
- Why not?
- No, it's okay.
Usually the ladies.
Bam, female.
Now show us your tits. - Isaac.
What, I bet they're nice.
They're being wasted under those clothes.
- That way of thinking is the reason
I usually use the ladies room.
Also, there's less pee on the floor,
and nothing's being wasted,
my girlfriend loves my tits.
- See?
- Okay, can we just get back to the game please?
- In a minute.
Isaac, are you a member of any club?
- Like a drama club or a country club?
I belong to a club, a drama club that is.
What's wrong with that?
Do you consider yourself a member?
- Well, yeah, so what?
So what if I told you
that you were a member of that drama club,
but couldn't join any other
clubs or try anything else
because you're a member of that club?
- Oh, fuck you.
And who do you think you are,
telling me who I am and what I can do?
Oh, okay.
I get it.
You're cool.
- Are we still playing Truth or Dare?
You got interesting friends, Adira,
- I'll give you that.
- Yeah.
Since I'm new to the group, I'll go first.
Truth or dare?
- Truth.
What is your deepest fear?
- I don't know.
- Wait, you only drink if you don't answer the question.
- I mean, if y'all gonna keep asking
these stupid ass questions,
I'm gonna need to drink and be drunk, all right?
- It's a good question.
I'm sorry you're so emotionally stunted.
You responded with the first shallow thought
that entered your head.
- Shallow? - Okay.
Okay, okay, fight nice. (Adira laughs)
I'll start.
Truth or dare?
- Truth.
- No, no, no, choose dare.
Okay, dare.
- I dare you to hook up with Imala.
- You better pour yourself a shot.
- Whoa, wait, wait, wait, the rules are,
you're supposed to take a piece of your clothing off
if you don't do a dare.
- That's true, yeah.
- Uh huh.
Take it off.
- Take it off.
- Woo!
Take it off.
Take it off.
Take it off, take...
Ah, boo.
Truth or dare?
- Truth.
Who'd you lose your virginity to?
Wait, wait.
Come on.
This is a safe space.
You're with friends.
- It depends on what your definition of virginity is.
- Who are you, Bill Clinton?
- Yeah.
It depends on your definition of is, is.
- No, just What do you mean, intercourse or sexual acts?
- Sex act.
- Maddie Silverman.
- What happened?
- Touched each other.
- Touched each other?
Sounds like you were molested
by your Aunt Maddie or something.
How old were you, 10?
- I was four.
Oh shit, bro, I'm sorry.
I didn't mean to make fun of
your aunt diddling your dick.
- Maddie wasn't my aunt, you dick.
It doesn't matter who she was,
you don't touch kids.
- She was four years old too.
- What?
Look, we went to the same daycare together.
When the teacher would leave out for a few minutes
because all the kids would be
taking it down during nap time,
Maddie asked me if she could touch my penis,
and I said, sure, as long as I could touch hers too.
- Touch hers, her penis?
Oh, fuck you, you're such an asshole.
Was it bigger than yours?
- No, it was probably bigger than yours.
- Oh yeah, mother fucker?
Oh, wait, wait, wait, wait.
I just ate, please don't do that.
You take it too far.
- Can you wash your hands again?
Okay guys, I think we're done with truth or dare.
- No, no, come on, they calmed down.
Sam, truth or dare?
- Have you ever been with a boy before?
That's when I knew something
was wrong, I was different.
- What happened, hook up with Isaac?
That would turn me off too.
- Nothing like happened, I
was just totally grossed out.
Him touching me, kissing me, his rough, dry skin.
Ugh, it still gives me chills.
I don't even wanna think about it.
But anyway, that's when I realized I liked girls.
And I didn't feel gay, but I liked my body,
so I didn't feel like I was in
the wrong body or anything.
It just, it was such a weird sensation.
- And what was that like?
- What's what like, the sensation?
- Yeah.
- Well, it's hard to explain,
but it's like being stuck in traffic.
You know, you have somewhere
else to be, but you can't move.
And you know why, but you don't know what the holdup is.
So you're always looking around the other cars
to try to figure it out, but
you just scream in frustration.
- Like you feel helpless or trapped?
I don't know, don't put me in your little box,
you know?
I told you, it's hard to explain.
- That's some dope shit.
Really cool.
Thanks for sharing with us.
- Thanks for sharing, what is this fuckin' AA?
You need some AA.
- Nah, I need some of that
little box Sam was talking about.
And still no leads
to the horrific Crystal Lake murders.
Okay, you hear that?
I think it's starting, let's go.
Stay with us tonight
as we revisit the facts of this case
and separate the truth from fiction
that Hollywood embellished
when making the hit film, "Jason."
- Babe, where are you at?
Babe, why aren't you answering me?
Better not be one of your stupid pranks.
Why do you always do that to me?
You know, I get scared easy.
- 'Cause it's fun.
- Oh, giving me a heart attack is fun?
- Oh, I didn't realize I was giving you a heart attack.
At least I'm not boring.
- This is cute. - I did good?
- You did good.
- Does this mean maybe we can have some playtime?
- Again? We just did.
- Can't help it, you're so goddamn gorgeous.
- Keep it in your pants for now, Romeo.
- Come on, it's our anniversary.
I've rented this whole place out for us.
We just got engaged.
- Let's see if they left any scary movies for us to watch.
- So you like scary movies,
but you don't like being scared.
Does it have to be so loud?
So the neighbors won't hear us.
- What the fuck?
- Who the fuck are you?
- Yeah, right, you're not going me with that one.
They make the best pork roll here.
I don't know, it's fresh or something.
Must have a fuckin' farm out back, I don't know.
- Wouldn't know, don't eat pork roll.
- What, who doesn't eat, why don't you eat pork roll?
- I like to eat healthy.
It's like my body's a temple kind of thing.
- I'll do a couple extra sit-ups.
It's worth it, here, try it.
- No, no, please, I'm fine.
I'm good with my egg whites and spinach.
If I want meat for breakfast, you know what,
a nice steak would do it.
- Ooh, country fried steak, that sounds good.
Hey, can I get a country fried
steak when you get a chance,
- extra gravy?
- No, no, just a steak,
not country fried.
No, that was for me.
You want me to order one for you too?
- Excuse me.
- No.
It's fine, I'm okay.
Are you sure? I can order one.
- It's not a problem.
- No, I'm absolutely fine.
You know, can we hurry up and get back out there?
I'm trying to crack some skulls.
Okay, crack some skulls?
Yeah, a lot of hardcore criminals around here, huh?
- That's your problem, Hoyt.
No such thing as a hardcore criminal,
they're just criminals.
You're either a law abiding citizen
or you're a piece of shit criminal.
That's it, period, nothing in between.
- There is a lot of gray area in the real world, my friend.
You're wrong.
- Well, what about "Dexter?"
- The TV show?
- Yeah.
- It's fake.
Humor me.
- Fine, piece of shit criminal
deserves to fry for his crimes.
Yeah, but he only killed bad guys,
like pedophiles and shit.
- Yeah, we would too.
- But he took care of a business first.
Saved countless people before they became victims.
- You know what, then he should join our side,
the right side, and uphold the law.
He worked from Miami Metro.
- There was a mole, like a fuckin' snake in the grass.
He was always more one of
them than he ever was one of us.
Like pick a side asshole.
- I think he provided a service,
a service no one else wanted to do.
He was a necessary evil,
kind of like a janitor in an airport bathroom.
- So now a janitor's a necessary evil?
- Well, kind of, yeah.
I mean, you never wanna run into 'em,
you're glad they exist,
and they do something nobody else wants to do.
Can you imagine an airport
bathroom without a janitor?
It's his.
I said it's his.
Yo, do we have a fuckin' problem?
- Thank you.
- Lemme tell you something,
there's no Dexters in the criminal world,
just Walter Whites.
- Oh shit, good reference.
- Thanks.
But I really think there's an in-between.
- Dude, you're the fucking problem.
You take it easy on criminals
'cause maybe this time they don't kill someone.
Lemme tell you something, someone runs a stop sign,
and you give them a ticket, they will do it the next day.
You put that mother fucker in jail for a day,
that's one night, they won't do it again.
- That's kind of harsh, ain't it?
What do you do, give him a ticket?
- Or a warning.
A warning.
That guy, okay, that guy you gave a warning to
goes out the next day, runs the stop sign again,
but this time he kills your son.
You still giving warnings, Hoyt?
- That's an extreme hypothetical.
No, it's not, Hoyt.
Someone killed three people in a house
a couple hundred feet away from yours.
That happened on your watch!
- Let's not start pointing fingers
and blaming people for
things you know nothing about.
- Then what do you call it?
No one getting murdered on my watch.
- I think it was a murder-suicide.
- What makes you think that?
Nothing seemed out of the norm, no gunshot wounds.
You don't cut your fuckin' head off
and chop yourself up into
pieces in order to kill yourself.
That was a secondary crime,
desecration of a corpse.
What are you talking about here, Hoyt?
- I think it was a murder-suicide,
and another party came along and chopped them up.
Okay, and the third person?
I don't know, wrong place, wrong time?
What makes you think any of this?
The file that I read
looked perfectly normal for a murder-suicide.
- It's just a working theory I have.
- Like, do you know something I don't?
Well, I know a bunch you don't,
but I don't want to go into that.
- No no, fill me in.
If you know something that I don't, I need to know.
Tell me, what else is going on?
- Nothing, it's nothing, it's just a theory I have.
My gut tells me there's more to the story.
- Okay.
So now in this theory you have,
there's a murderer and a psycho who runs around
cutting people up into little pieces.
You know what?
Keep giving warnings, Hoyt.
- For the tip.
Wasn't that good.
Hey, you haven't touched your coffee, you don't want it?
No, it's cold anyway.
- That's okay, I only drink iced coffee anyway.
- All right guys, over here.
It's time to do some work.
- What the fuck are you doing?
- This is the file.
- We'll move it, it's in the way of my beer holder.
- Your beer holder?
- Yeah, my beer holder.
- You mean the table?
- Tomato, tomato.
- Okay, this is why we're here people, to catch a killer.
- No, we're here to get fucked up and relax.
This is why you're here, to catch a murderer.
- Wait, wait, wait, what is all this?
I made each of you a folder
containing all the information
I could find about our investigation,
police reports, newspaper
clippings, and some photos.
- Whoa, this chick is smokin' hot.
I'm investigating her.
I'm gonna keep the photo for motivation.
- Ah. - Dude, she's dead.
- He doesn't have a problem with that, now do you, Isaac?
I told you that in confidence.
- What?
It's totally not creepy, it's cool.
- And this.
Oh, that's badass, let me see that?
- Uh uh uh, you'll all get to check it out in a minute.
This is an exact replica
for what the killer used in the murders.
Or at least one of the weapons he or she used.
But be careful, it's sharp.
So as you guys can see from the headlines,
the police had another suspect
they were looking at pretty closely.
- Yeah, it says it was the neighbor or something?
Jason, something?
Was he cleared?
Shit, does he still live there?
- Did you research this, Adira, like at all?
Did you just bring me up here to get me murdered?
Totally not cool.
- I did, I didn't, and he does.
And even though the police moved on,
I personally have not ruled him out.
I mean, his alibi was sketchy at best.
He said he was traveling on business.
I mean, his office confirmed it, but,
there was no other proof,
no witnesses, no expense receipts, nothing.
- Hmm.
I wonder if he'll actually
open the door if we knock on it.
- Why the hell would we do that?
Excuse me, Mr. Killer,
we don't know you and you don't know us,
but we have a plan to prove
that you killed those people.
Mind if we just come in and ask you some questions?
I wonder if he's good looking.
- Why?
- Because he was never arrested.
There was no mugshot.
And statistically, good looking
people get away with more.
- Mmhmm, I'm sure that's why you wonder that.
- I mean, plus we don't have enough
good looking men on this vacation trip.
- Jason speaking.
Oh yeah, your number showed up different.
Yeah, that makes sense.
Hell yeah.
Count me in.
Yeah, there's just,
something I gotta take care of first.
All right.
- I think there's a strong possibility he's our killer.
I mean, I have a statement somewhere in here,
and the address.
- So we're just gonna knock on the killer's door?
This is a dumb idea.
Have you seen "The Birds?"
Tom Hanks?
Okay, so how about "Disturbia?"
Any scary movie ever?
Oh my God, really?
- Who the hell would be knocking on the door right now?
No one knows we're here.
- Shit, people know where I am.
When you told me Isaac was gonna be here,
I told everyone, just in case he tried any silly shit.
- Me, I'm harmless, you're the ruthless one.
- Fine, if nobody wants to get it, I guess I will.
Geez, bunch of woosies.
- Fine, I'll let you. - Wait,
wait, wait, wait a minute.
What if it's the killer?
- Killers don't usually knock to kill you.
- No, maybe he thought of that too,
and he's just scoping out the place for later.
Smart Imala, yeah, what if that?
And what if it's just the Girl Scouts
selling cookies?
- Then we answer the fuckin' door.
I got the munchies like a mother fucker.
- Hello.
Guys, there's nobody there.
- Whoa!
Just trying to get your attention.
- Get your hands off her.
- You know, you really should be careful with this.
It might hurt somebody.
Great piece of steel though.
Whoever bought it really knows their stuff.
Look, I didn't mean to come by and cause a commotion.
Let's start over.
I'm Jason.
I'm your neighbor, right through the woods.
- Wait, you're Jason?
- Well, we know who you are.
- Shut up, Isaac.
- I thought you'd be older.
- It's my dad, he's Jason too.
Heard you guys down by the lake earlier.
Figured I'd come by and introduce myself.
It's been so quiet around here for such a long time.
It's nice to hear you guys having fun.
It reminds me of the good old days.
Anyway, my dad's away on business for a while.
- Away on business?
Shit, we're dead.
- Is he all right?
- He'll be fine.
- Okay, anyway, my dad likes me to use the boats
and run the motors every once in a while.
I gotta run to a hockey tournament.
I figured that maybe you guys can use them
and all the other toys down there by the dock.
Have fun, feel free, keys are in 'em.
- We might just take you up on that offer.
Wanna come in for a drink?
- We were kind of in the middle of something, Imala.
So... No worries.
Just wanted to stop by, say hi,
and offer you guys the boats for the day.
My dad's away on business a lot.
So, have fun.
Feel free to use them.
Most of all,
be careful.
- We will, thanks.
- It was nice to meet you, Jason.
- He totally did it.
Somebody got chopped up into a little pieces.
- No, stop it, he was so nice.
- What?
Did you see how good he was with the machete?
- And this knife is nice.
Clearly, whoever says that is clearly
knows what they're talking about.
Somebody you don't wanna mess with, whatever.
- Yeah, and who the hell offers strangers
the keys to their boat?
Like something's off with this guy.
- Yeah, you don't do that.
- These boys are intimidated
'cause this man has some sexy
stranger vibes about himself.
- I think I need a drink after that one.
You want a White Claw?
- I think I need something a little stronger than that.
- Nice.
- Right.
- Oh shit.
- What?
I dropped my weed in there.
For real?
Do you think it'll burn if I get it out?
Snip it, slowly.
What about them?
We don't need them, come on.
Need them for what, where are we going?
No, you idiot,
I wanna get some alone time with you.
Come on.
- Oh... Come on.
- You want a White Claw?
What the fuck!?
Did you touch my White Claw?
- Are you sure?
- Isaac, I didn't touch any of your White Claws.
- Hey guys.
I think Adira might be our killer.
- What?
Shut up, she's like the nicest person in the world.
- No, think about it.
She brought us to the murder house
on the anniversary of the murders
to solve the unsolved murders.
Why? We've never done this before.
Like why does she know so much about this one?
- She chose this place because
it was a cheap vacation house
where we can all tell our kids about one day.
We're getting older, we can't do this shit forever.
- So why bring the machete?
- Production value
and to get an emotional reaction out of you.
And it worked.
- Okay, why does she have gloves,
rope, and handcuffs in her purse?
Why are you in her purse?
Oh my God, it was there, and I was curious, so-
- So still, you don't go in a woman's purse
without her permission.
Even if I get permission,
I don't go in a woman's purse, man.
- Exactly.
And if you would've kept searching too,
you probably would've found a tampon.
That doesn't mean she's on her period.
Woman pack something for
every situation, no matter what.
What situation does she need handcuffs for?
- Sex.
- And the rope?
To tie down stuff for the car.
Or sex.
- The duct tape.
- Who doesn't need duct tape?
- No, that still doesn't explain the gloves.
It's summertime.
- Maybe they've been in there since the winter.
No, only murderers need gloves.
- And O.J.?
- I stand by my original statement.
- If the glove don't fit, you must acquit.
- Fine, and alleged murders.
- Why don't you just ask her?
- See, she's planning our murders right now.
- Probably snuck away for some romance.
- I told y'all, sex.
Hey, maybe we should get romantic.
- Yeah, not a chance.
- So, this is creepy.
- What, are you scared?
What is it? - Behind you.
- See, she just killed Adam.
- That was definitely a girl scream.
- Have you ever heard Adam scream?
Sounds just like a chick, sounds just like that.
I'm telling you, she's gonna kill us all.
- My God, you scared the shit outta me, jerk.
- I'm sorry, I will protect you.
- Yeah, sure.
Come on.
It was really nice of Jason
to let us use the boats and all.
And he even gave us some romantic lighting.
- Yeah, unless he wants us to come over so he can kill us,
and tell the cops that we
were trespassing to justify it.
- Do you really think he did it?
- I don't know, maybe.
- I mean, I used to think that, but after we met him,
I mean, he seemed so nice.
- Yeah, and so is Ted Bundy.
- Okay, got it.
- Okay.
- Good?
- Yeah.
Do you remember when we met?
Sure do.
Mrs. Henley's class in grade school.
I loved her, she was so nice.
Yay, she was okay.
I fell in love with you the moment I saw you.
What? You did not.
You were infatuated with that new girl, Casey.
Oh my God, Casey, I forgot all about her.
Do you remember when you started liking me?
Yeah, we were in English class
and you had just come back from the bathroom.
You came back in the room
and your fly was wide open,
and everyone saw and couldn't stop cracking up.
And the best part was you didn't even realize it
'til Ms. Henley had to tell you.
And that made it even funnier.
And you turned so red.
I just thought you were so cute.
Yeah, I have no recollection of that, mm mm.
Yes you do.
I still think you're cute, by the way.
You still think I'm cute?
I sure do.
Even right now.
How come you brought only one of these?
You know,
I thought I packed everything for this trip,
but I forgot to pack a freaking flashlight.
And whose is this?
I don't know.
Oh my God.
Oh shit.
Oh cool, it's still lit.
Do you think you can reach it?
I don't know, maybe.
Oh my God.
Oh my God!
I said I was sorry, I didn't mean to hit you.
- I still don't get why you'd hit me.
- You scared me.
Why did you grab my legs?
I saw something in the water
and it scared the hell outta me.
I had to get the hell out of there.
- Okay, bad choices all around.
But I mean, it was just a life vest.
You swung an object at my head.
I'm sorry
- Guys, what happened?
- I saw a head in the lake.
- Wait, you saw what?
- Yeah.
I saw a human head in the lake.
- It couldn't have been a head.
I mean, the murders were two years ago.
It would be a skull by now.
- Maybe it's a new one, I don't know.
It was wrapped in plastic.
I know what I saw.
- Well, the one body was missing her head and her hands.
What, I was bored while you guys were gone,
so I read the files.
We have to call the cops.
- And tell them what?
You think you saw something in the lake
while it was pitch black?
- Not something, a head, a head.
A human head.
That's what we tell them I saw.
I feel like maybe we should just go back
and get it so you can see it wasn't a head,
it was probably a rock or a log or something.
- Why do you think it wasn't a head?
Didn't you bring us here to solve the murders?
I mean, and Sam said one of the bodies
had their hands and head cut off.
So maybe that's what he saw.
- Yeah, how do you know what Adam didn't see?
Is the reason you know the head isn't in the lake
is because you know where the head is?
- Huh?
- Wait, what?
- Huh?
Isaac thinks you're the killer.
because you have duct tape and gloves in your purse.
- Why were you in my purse? - Thank you.
- So you don't deny it?
- See?
No, I don't deny
I have duct tape and gloves in my purse, you idiot,
but that doesn't make me a murderer, yet.
But I might start with you.
- Isaac, it couldn't have been Adira.
The day those people were murdered,
Adira was on senior trip.
We all know what happened there.
- Let's not talk about that.
Here's the thing I don't get,
these people were in their twenties,
but the female with no head,
she was in her late thirties.
- She was really good at giving head?
Come on, that was a good one.
Okay, so she was older, so what?
- It's not just that.
The couple had rat poison
in their system, but she didn't.
- Okay, so she poisoned them.
- So then who killed her?
Why did they cut off her head?
- Maybe they wanted a trophy?
- But why not all of their heads?
- Because she was the real target.
The couple was just collateral damage.
Then why don't they all have
rat poison in their system?
- Because the couple was killed first.
And whoever the woman was knew the killer.
- Someone knew if they identified our Jane Doe,
it could implicate them.
- So it was a coverup.
Exactly what I was thinking.
- Let's think about this.
So who would want to have a murder be covered up
and have nobody know about the dead bodies?
The husband?
No, none of them were married.
The boyfriend, the fiance, it's any one of them.
It's always them.
- Hey, is that my flashlight?
- Oh yeah.
I'd let it dry first before you turn it back on though.
- No, my flesh-light, I can't find it.
- Ew, why would I have it?
You took my flashlight, it was right next to it.
- I don't have it.
- You?
- No.
Well, someone has it.
Now we have a new mystery to solve.
- It was Mrs. Peacock in the library with an ax.
Peacock, such a good word.
Was it you?
- No.
And where are you going?
Fleeing the scene of the crime?
- Isaac, I didn't touch her sex toy.
I can't even believe you would bring it here.
What is wrong with you?
911, what's your emergency?
- Hi, I think my neighbor needs help.
She's screaming for help.
What's your name, honey?
- Tommy.
I have an address of 23 Crystal Lake?
- Yeah, that's my street.
She's on the other side of the lake.
Okay Tommy, I'm sending help.
Stay on the phone until someone gets there, okay?
- Okay.
How old are you, Tommy?
- Eight and a half.
Wow, you're a brave eight-year-old.
- Eight and a half.
Eight and a half, I'm sorry.
Is your mommy or daddy around
so I can tell them how brave you are?
- No, my mommy's not here anymore, my dad's at work.
- So you're home alone?
- Yeah,
but my daddy left me milk.
He left you milk, what does that mean?
- Oh wait, I think I hear something.
- I have to go.
- Tommy, wait.
Just do the Donkey Kong, just do the Donkey Kong
Just do the Donkey Kong, just do the Donkey Kong
Just do the Donkey Kong, just do the Donkey Kong
Just do the Donkey Kong, just do the Donkey Kong
Just do the Donkey Kong, just do the Donkey Kong
Just do the Donkey Kong, just do the Donkey Kong
Just do the, do the, just do the donkey
Just do the donkey, donkey, Donkey Kong
Just do the, just do the donkey
Just do the Donkey Kong, just do the Donkey Kong
Just do the, just do the, just do the Donkey Kong
Just do the Donkey Kong, just do the
Just do the donkey (music winds down)
Evening ma'am.
We got a report of a woman screaming for help.
- Oh, they were just roughhousing.
Everything's okay here, officer.
- I'm sorry ma'am, but can I talk to the woman
who was actually screaming for help,
and then maybe she can tell me everything's okay?
- It was a he, but, okay.
- You see that?
- No, what?
Oh, keep your hands where I can see them.
- What? It's nothing.
- This doesn't look like nothing.
- Illegal drugs are not nothing.
- They're just gummies, what?
They're so good.
No drugs here, officer.
Come on, it's just pot.
I have a medical marijuana card.
- What's your name?
- Sam, do you have a medical marijuana card?
- Okay, Sam, what's your last name?
You know what, show me some ID.
- You don't have to Sam, know your rights.
- You also have the right to shut the fuck up,
and I suggest you use it.
- It's okay.
- Samantha Daugherty.
It's a woman's ID, it says female right here.
- I'm gender fluid, I identify as he, him.
- Okay.
This is either a real ID and you're a woman,
or it's a fuckin' fake.
- No, it's my ID.
- Did you know that giving a fake ID
to an officer of the law is a crime?
- It's my ID, I can't change it 'til it expires.
- Change it?
All right, it's not that big of a deal.
- Whoa, stand the fuck down!
- I identify as he, him, it's not that hard.
Put your hands where I can see 'em.
You're under arrest until we can figure this out.
- Have any weapons on you?
- Hey.
This ain't right.
You can't do this.
- I can do whatever the fuck I want.
Stop resisting.
You're hurting me.
I can't breathe.
- Hey, easy, you don't need to do that.
- You don't tell me what I need to fucking do!
- Okay, okay, relax.
- I can't breathe.
- He can't breathe.
Get off of him.
- If she can say she can't breathe,
then she can obviously fucking breathe.
- I can't breathe.
- You wanna be a man,
this is how men who break
the law get treated, buttercup.
- I can't breathe.
I can't breathe.
- Calm down and I'll let you go.
Oh my God, is he dead?
- She's fine, just sit down.
- Come on, get up.
Come on, Samantha.
Ah shit.
- Fuck.
- Oh my God.
Come on, Samantha, wake up.
- It's just Sam.
- Get the fuck up!
- He's fucking dead, oh my God.
- Put them in the fucking room.
Do you think he's dead?
- You saw him, he's dead.
- You don't know that.
We have to get out of here
or we're gonna be dead too.
- I'm pretty sure she's dead.
- I'll call an ambulance.
- No, no, no, wait.
What's gonna happen to me?
Well, what do you mean?
- Like when they show up and see this?
Am I gonna keep my job?
- Well they might suspend
you during the investigation,
maybe a couple of months in jail,
but you should be okay after that.
- What investigation?
- Well, they have to investigate her or his death.
Make sure it was justified
and not police brutality or some other bullshit.
- Fuck.
Gonna ruin my life.
- You shouldn't have done what you did.
- Everything I did was by the book.
- What do you think they're gonna say
about you molesting her?
Molesting her, I frisked her for weapons.
- You're supposed to radio for a female officer.
She identified as a he.
- What did it say on her license?
This is not gonna go well for you.
- Well for me, what about you? - What about me?
- You're the senior officer here.
You're supposed to make sure shit like this
doesn't fucking happen.
You know, you might not go to jail,
but you can say goodbye to your fucking retirement.
- What do you want to do?
We cannot not call this in.
- What can we do?
- It was an accident, we just call it in and you'll be okay.
Hell, maybe they'll let you off with a warning.
- Fuck your warnings, Hoyt, you do that,
and I'll tell them, you made me do this.
- Why would you do that, you're
only gonna perjure yourself.
- I don't care, I can't go to fucking prison.
I'll do whatever I have to not to.
No pension, no retirement, possible murder charges,
and with everything that's
happening to police today,
they're gonna make a fucking example out of us.
- Fuck.
- Yeah, now you're starting to get it, dude, it's just us.
- Fuck.
Exactly, what the fuck do we do?
- Well, we can just dump the body in the lake, I guess.
- You can't just dump a body in a lake.
- There's already bodies in Crystal Lake.
Well pieces, anyway.
We can make it look like a boating accident.
- It's pitch black outside,
no one goes boating in the middle of the night.
- They never caught that
guy that killed all those people
in this house two years ago.
- This is the fucking, mm, this is the murder house?
- We can just make it look like he came back.
- Is there like a chainsaw in your trunk?
- There's a shed next to the house,
there's probably one in there.
She's a dyke!
They're gonna make this look like a hate crime.
- You're gonna ruin my fucking life. (spits)
- You know, I think you're right.
We both have too much to lose.
We gotta clean this up.
- Whoa, whoa, whoa, wait, wait, what do we do with them?
- We'll make sure they don't leave.
- No, no, what do I do with them?
- Kill 'em.
- Relax.
As long as we do what they tell us to, we will be okay.
- Yeah, because they have our best interests in mind.
They killed our friend and they locked us in a room.
Does that seem normal to you?
Hello, McFly?
- I don't know. I don't deal with the cops a lot.
Do you hear any sirens?
- No.
- Yeah, because they didn't call an ambulance
and they don't plan on doing so.
Okay, let's just think about this.
- What is there to fucking think about?
We need to get outta here.
- You come here.
- No, I'm good.
- We need to get your statement without them around.
Let's fuckin' go.
Sit down!
For your safety and mine, I'm gonna cuff you.
All right, what happened tonight?
- You guys killed my friend. - No, no, no, no.
I didn't kill your friend, you did.
I need to know why.
Listen, your friend in there,
he said that she was hitting on you
and you couldn't handle being hit on by a dyke
who couldn't take no for an answer,
so you killed her.
- Nobody said shit to you, that's a lie.
It's not a lie, it's true.
You killed her. Why?
- I didn't kill her, you did.
- One more, one more chance I'm gonna give you
to come clean and tell the truth to me.
You tell me right now why,
I'll go to the judge and ask for leniency.
- Fuck you.
- Okay.
I tried to help.
That's what you wanna do, I fuckin' tried.
- Help!
- Did she say help?
I'm so fuckin' high.
- Help!
- Wanna play rough?
I got you, I got you.
- Yeah, she did.
I'm gonna go out there.
- What the fuck is going on?
- Back the fuck up.
Back the fuck, I said back the fuck up!
- Isaac, wait!
- Adira, come on!
I can't leave without him!
- Go get help!
Are you fuckin' serious?
Quit dodging, you mother fucker!
Christian, Christian, I got one.
Christian, I can't see.
I got one.
Christian, I can't see.
Oh fuck.
Officer down.
Two male suspects,
White male, 150 pounds, 5'8 ", 5'9", dark hair.
Short Black male, about 200 pounds, beard, 5'10".
Female suspect,
5'3", thin build, long fuckin' blue hair,
armed and dangerous.
One of 'em has a chainsaw, the other has my gun.
- Tommy?
Tommy, my name's Veronica, I'm here to help.
Yeah, it's me.
The boy's not here.
You're gonna wanna see this.
- Get over here so I can kill you fuckers.
Come out, come out wherever you are.
What the fuck am I doing?
I have my phone.
Why the fuck am I running?
- Olly, olly oxen, free.
Error 93.
I'm sorry, but if you'd like to make a call,
please pay $145.17 that is past due now.
- Fuck.
Come here, you little shit stains.
Drop the weapon!
You do not want to do this.
I am a police officer.
Eh, fuck!
- Whatever you say
can and will
be used against you
in a court of law, cunt.
- Wait, Adam, where's Isaac?
- I don't know, he probably found a pot plant
and decided to roll up and smoke it.
Who the fuck cares?
- Seriously, we can't just leave him.
- Why not?
- Adam.
- What, do you think he'd do the same thing for us?
- It's just the right thing to do.
And for the record, I think he would.
- Maybe, if we had his stash, he might.
- Fuck man.
- Freeze!
You're under arrest for the
murder of an officer of the law.
- We didn't kill anyone, you did.
It's my story against yours.
Who do you think they're gonna believe?
- what you gonna do, chop us up with that thing?
- Yeah, I hear the cavalry, so if you're gonna shoot us,
you'd better do it now before
they figure out it was you.
- Oh no darling, didn't you
know that your boyfriend here
is the murder house killer?
He killed your friends.
He killed my partner.
He killed my fiance.
And he killed you and
chopped you up into little pieces,
where I found him and I took him down.
And he succumbed to his injury
before emergency services could arrive.
- Cool story, bro.
There's two of us and one of you,
and you can't kill us both.
I like my odds.
Karma's a bitch, mother fucker.
- Oh my God, thank God.
Go get help, go get help!
- She knows about your mom, boy.
She knows what you did.
She wants them to take you away from me.
Please, help me.
Get help.
Go get help.
Sorry, but family is family.
Hi dad.
- What the fuck is wrong with you, boy?