Cuban Fury (2014) Movie Script
1
'Salsa.'
'It was like something
from another planet,
'the music,
the passion, the rhythm.
'Once I put those shoes on,
I never wanted to take them off.
'It was like I had
fire in my heels.
'I was an unstoppable salsa machine,
trophy after trophy after trophy,
'all overseen by my
mentor, Ron Parfitt,
'great coach, hard bastard.'
Most people think you dance
with your feet. Bollocks.
You dance with your heart.
You dance with el corazn.
And Bruce, Bruce has got
a heart like a bison
and balls like an elephant.
'And by side, my sister
and dance partner, Sam.'
Thunder, Thunder, Thunder,
"ThunderCats". Ho!
Ten!
'We travelled the circuit,
'Berkshire, Buckinghamshire,
Bedfordshire,
'We won it all, every title going,
except one... the Nationals.
'Cuban heels, silk shirt,
1,000 hand-sewn sequins.
'I was ready to take on the world.
'But sometimes salsa just
throws you out for a spin.'
Oi, wanker, nice shirt.
Hey!
Come here!
'I don't know where I was when
I fell in love with salsa.
'But I know exactly where
I was when it stopped.'
Who do you think you are?
Barry Manilow?
'Ladies and gentlemen,
welcome to the Nationals...'
'I never turned up that night.
'I just phoned him and told
him, "Salsa's for pussies."
'And I guess that fire in my heels,
'it just went out.'
Mm.
Oh, dear.
Mm.
'GFD Engineering,
'Western Europe's premier supplier
of high-end manufacturing
'and five-star
industrial machinery...'
- Bike.
- Oh, God.
Why do we have to do this
every morning? It's not a bike.
Not now it's not, but I just watched
you transform it on the monitor.
Look, I'll admit, for a while
outside it was a bike,
but now, piff, paff,
poof, look at that.
It's a piece of luggage.
Bike.
- Fucking hell.
- Juanita, buenos das.
Bruco, no.
No, no.
What have you gone for here?
This what you're wearing today?
I cycle in wearing it.
You just looked in your
wardrobe and thought,
"I think I'll just look like a
Maxi Babybel today." Was that it?
- Have you shaved?
- No.
Just lift your...
Some jam on your stubble.
Don't do that in front of everyone.
It's a big day, a big day, man.
Got the new boss
starting this morning.
I hear he's a ball buster.
Well, I hear apparently
he is a she.
You mean like a tranny?
- No.
- No.
- A woman.
- Oh... a woman.
What kind of a woman
wants to run a company
that specialises in heavy
industrial machinery?
I think I know.
Big, hairy.
- Big sort of big lump.
- A beast.
Might be perfect for you.
Hmm. Anyway, listen, this bike's
not going to park itself.
I'll see you up there, OK?
Don't be late.
I don't like my team to be late.
It's unprofessional, isn't it, bum flap?
There they are, Mork and Mindy.
Uh, Helen.
Can you not hear that?
- Hello, Bruce Garrett.
- 'Hello, Bruce.
'Do you like scary films?'
- What?
- 'I'm doing "Scream".
- 'You totally bought it.'
- Oh, hi, Drew.
'They're going to unleash
the beast, Bruce.'
Who wouldn't swap the crystal
blue waters of the Pacific
for the endless silted mud flats
of old Father Thames? Am I right?
Uh, and hopefully I can prove to you
that I'm a better sales manager
than I am a public speaker.
I bet she's got the bag
to go with them shoes.
- Mm?
- Her, United States of Bitch Face.
Little Miss I'm-So-American.
OK, I'm going to stop talking now.
Let's all have a drink.
Hear, hear.
- Oi.
- You were right, you know?
She is a woman.
And what a woman. Wow-wow-wee-wah.
I would make a splash inside that
like a milk truck hitting a wall.
Listen, can we not... Can we not
talk ejaculate at the buffet table?
Look at her, though. Look at
my little dairy queen, uh?
You see? You had
little a look, too.
- Oh, some tzatziki.
- Oh, that's cute.
No, it is. It's adorable, Bruce.
That's all right. You can look.
But don't touch 'cause that would
be embarrassing, wouldn't it?
- Just leave it to the experts.
- Sure.
- The sexperts. I just coined that.
- That's quite good, actually.
- Wasn't it?
- Don't!
Whoa!
Work time is over, motherfuckers.
Ah, I think we know
what that means.
That means, oh, oh,
it's party time.
That's right.
Who wants to come and play
with the dancing bear?
This one... This one loves
a little bear time.
- Oh, God.
- Come on.
- Not me.
- Come on. Come on. Come on.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Oh, there it is. You've got a little
bit of rhythm going on there.
That's it, see?
What are you worried about?
- She moves like a gem.
- Oh.
- Oh, yeah.
- What are you like?
And she loves a spin.
That was good, you see?
Oh, what about this one?
Little silent but
deadly in the corner.
- Stop it.
- You going to come dancing with me?
- Just a little something-something.
- Don't.
- What?
- I don't dance.
- Everybody's dancing.
- I don't dance. I don't like it.
All right, make yourself useful.
Oh, Oh.
Come on.
Oh, the line broke,
'cause it was a big fish.
What time is it? It's Cossack time!
Oh, yes.
Hey, Bruce!
Oh, you like it!
- Whoa.
- Whoa.
- Wow, I am so sorry.
- Sorry, I'm sorry.
We've got tangled here.
Let me try and get this... Ow!
- Ow.
- Ow.
Again, I'm sorry.
Are you all right?
Where am I? Am I in England?
No, I'm fine.
Just... fine.
Maybe we should get
these untangled.
- Bruce Garrett.
- Bruce Garrett, that's me and...
- Julio Matthews.
- They printed it wrong.
But I like it, so I'm
going to keep it.
Yeah. No, you should.
I think it suits you.
Adds Latin flavour to it.
Oh.
I just want you to know I wasn't
trying to escape your party.
No, me neither. Why would anybody
want to leave that amazing party?
- Uh, shall we...
- Yes.
Well, what a pickle, a 3-D jigsaw.
Thank you. Nice to meet you, Bruce.
Likewise... Julio.
Mm.
Mm. Do you know what I like
best about this place?
Apart from the free glac cherries?
Apart from the free glac cherries,
the fact that they
still insist upon
my little sister dressing up
like a Tongan concubine.
Oh, they don't insist and I
prefer Polynesian call girl.
Mm-hm.
So talk me through
head-butting your new boss.
Well, actually, she might
have head-butted me,
but our lanyards tangled.
There was a struggle, you know?
Our heads went forward.
There was a crash, wallop.
Mm, sounds like she made
quite an impression.
- No, no, not this again.
- Oh, come on, Bruce.
You haven't even mentioned a girl
since, what, the early '90s?
Stand down, Samantha, please.
She is not of my world.
Oh and what world is that,
the world of not even trying?
Yeah, indeed, the planet She's
Beautiful, Way Out Of My League,
and also my boss, so
knock it on the head.
Oh, that well-known place. Is that
right next to precious comfort zone?
A place you've never even
stepped out of ever.
All I'm saying is that if
you really like something,
you've got to put yourself out there.
Got to reach out and grab it.
The cherries are not
that delicious.
I'm not talking about
the cherries, Bruce.
I would not like to be those tyres.
- Ouch.
- Ha-ha, yeah, very amusing!
It comes fitted with an 80-mil,
three jaw self-centring chuck.
Tool size, eight mil max. I mean,
you'd never need any more.
- Hey, hello. This is, uh, Ju...
- Oh, sorry, everybody.
Let me introduce you to the
brains of the operation,
our head of department,
Miss Julia Matthews.
Uh... I'm sorry. Keep going.
I was just going to sit in.
It's nice to have you with us.
- Are you done?
- Yeah.
- Any questions?
- What's the capacity?
- Ah, capacity.
- Ah.
- It's 250 mil between the centres.
- You really know your stuff.
Thank you. Thank you.
I... I love lathes.
Oh, while I remember, we can
also provide, um, promo videos.
- Isn't that right, Bruce?
- Mm.
Actually, I think we've got one of
those on this computer right here.
Not on that one.
Let me have a look.
Yeah, I think I saw the one for
the DML vertical lathe on here
- somewhere the other day.
- No.
- Wait, there it is. Hold on.
- Is it?
Yeah, this is a really good example
of the videos we can give you.
'Hello, with a Meehanite frame
annealed for maximum rigidity,
'it offers perfect jib-bed
flushing each and every time.
'The Haas ST30 turning lathe,
'it offers precision grinding
over full vertical stroke.'
This is what I think of when I'm
trying not to ejaculate too quickly.
OK, green fees paid, let's
play the game of golf game.
Please help me.
Are you still banging
on about those balls?
Well, yes, this one's
going to fly further,
but this one's going to give me
more control round the green.
If we've finished with
the high-brow chit-chat,
can we move on please
to the weekly roundup?
- Yes, yes.
- OK, ladies and gentlemen.
Totals for the week,
dates with a lady?
- Nil.
- Nil.
- Mobile numbers acquired?
- Nil.
I got a number. It was a zero.
Ah, erotic encounters?
Nilly vanilly.
Now, listen to this.
Last Sunday at Tom's christening,
I grazed past horny
Aunty Jean's side boob?
- Does it count?
- Adjudicator?
- It's a nil.
- I thought I'd throw it in.
Finally, have you had any contact
with a member of the opposite sex
where money did not exchange hands
and she looked at you for
more than eight seconds
and she was not your mum
or an arresting officer?
Nil.
Bruce?
Mm? Well, no, obvs...
Here endeth the weekly roundup.
Hurry up, Mickey!
Ah, thank you... very much.
- Oh.
- What is it?
- Shit. Nothing. Please don't look.
- What's wrong?
What are you doing? What is it?
- Please don't look.
- Who is it, hm?
It's just someone from work.
It's a girl I work with.
- Oh, my God, she's nice.
- Don't look. Stop it.
- Hey, turn around, will you?
- Oh, I would...
- If I was physically able...
- You're not dis...
You're not disabled,
Gary. You're married.
Go on, then. Have a go.
Did you see her? She's beautiful.
She's like a ten. I'm a two.
That's an eight-point swing, like a
butterfly going out with a parsnip.
- What?
- Yeah. Well, you know...
All right, I'm not saying
it's going to be easy.
You'll have to work at it.
It's like that, um,
that machine you're on about
for British Aerospace.
- The PL5 cylindrical grinder.
- Thank you.
She's the cylinder. Click-click.
You're the grinder, mm?
Just grind her down, uh, uh, uh.
- You grind her down.
- I don't like the two-finger bit.
Make her notice you, Bruce.
- Think I should say hello?
- Oh, don't... no.
Go up there and say
something like...
"Hi."
Oh.
Woo-hoo. Good luck, mate.
- Bruce.
- Yes?
Grind it.
Don't do that. Don't be daft.
'Salsa.'
Why did it have to be salsa?
'Eat them. Eat them pig boy.
Eat your sequins.
'Eat them. Eat them!
'Who do you think you are?
Barry Manilow?
'Eat them...'
Hey, Rick, have you seen my sister?
- She's over there.
- Sam, Sam. Sam, sorry.
- Give us a second.
- I need you.
She is of my world.
- Who is?
- Julia, my boss.
You stepped out of
your comfort zone.
I was at the pub. She came in.
I followed her.
And she was salsa dancing.
- Are you shitting me?
- Oh, my God.
She was doing the
sweetest little basic
and I just wanted to rush in
and gather her into my arms
and... and... just dance, you know?
I haven't... I have not
felt like that since...
- Sequin-gate.
- Since Sequin-gate.
You know that box has been
closed a long, long time.
I know. It happened and it was bad.
What did you say? Bad?
Sam... they ripped all the
sequins off of my shirt
and they stuffed them
in my mouth, yeah?
And then they made me eat them.
The big boys made me gobble them, yeah?
Just gobbling, gobbling sequins.
- Gobbling the big BMX boy.
- Know the story, Bruce.
- Gobbling.
- Enough's enough. Now, listen.
Maybe this is your chance
to rewrite history.
Let it go.
What are you thinking about?
These are fucking hot
in large quantities.
Thank you.
Fucking hell, what is...
What is that?
- Vodka.
- Why would you give me neat vodka?
Now, listen, maybe
this is your way in.
You know how all girls
love a man who can dance.
You could dance.
If you really like this girl,
salsa your way in.
- I had fire in my heels, didn't I?
- Oh, feet of flames.
- Could I get it back again, though?
- Easily.
How easily?
See how I do this shot...
- That easily.
- That was easy.
- Mm.
- Can I have one?
- One?
- Mm-hm.
Salsa.
Mm.
Cheers.
Ah.
Salsa.
Salsa.
And the winner is...
Bruce Garrett.
There's Ron.
"Be my Valentine."
Mm, big old ginger Glen and Ted.
Mirrors, I need me some mirrors.
Ooh.
Heavy.
Oh.
Whoa.
Ooh!
Ah.
Uh...
Mm.
Can I have a Diet Coke and a
packet of Scampi Fries, please?
Well, you could if
I wasn't closing.
All right, Ron?
Garrett.
Well, what the hell happened to you?
You look like shit.
Charming. Thanks very much.
You got a customer complaints
department here at, er, El Corazn?
Oh, hang on, I'll
get a form for you.
There it is.
How did you find me?
Internet.
- Fucking internet.
- Internet.
Oh, yeah, how have you been?
Have you been all right? You good?
It looks nice in here.
OK, I think that is us
all caught up, then.
- What do you want from me, Garrett?
- Nothing. Just passing.
Wondered if you were
still teaching.
Oh, right, OK, just 'cause
I'm looking for a lesson.
- Are you taking the piss?
- No.
No, I'm not. I just want a
lesson, blow away the cobwebs.
- What do you reckon?
- I reckon salsa's for pussies.
- Isn't that what you said?
- Did I?
Oh, yeah, you did.
I don't really remember that,
'cause I was just a kid.
- And what are you now?
- I'm a man.
Oh, you think so, do you?
Pretty certain.
Hot in here, isn't it?
We'll see. Tomorrow
night, 7:00 pm sharp.
Five quid on the door and I want
to see you in 1% inch heels.
Brilliant. Great, all right.
Thank you, Ron.
- Mr Parfitt.
- Thank you, Mr Parfitt.
Hey, where are we on
the Scampi Fries?
- Piss off.
- I'll see you tomorrow.
Come here, my babies.
Come to Daddy.
Oh, there you are.
- Thank you.
- One, thank you.
Rubber sole. Old school.
A shit load of kudos
to you, my friend.
Personally, as a person,
I love the suede sole.
I'm a suede head. People, they say,
"No, you have to be rubber sole."
I'm like, "No, I love the suede.
I love the suede. I love the suede."
Don't you love the suede?
I tell you what. Take a look at this.
If you see here, if you
see where my sole is...
Come on, gather around. Come on.
I see what kind of a
sole you are, asshole.
- Hey, don't...
- How are you today, guys?
Spread out a little bit.
Make sure you can see me.
Everybody OK, yeah?
Oh, we've got a new
student with us tonight.
Welcome to El Corazn.
What's your name?
It's fine. Don't worry about names.
I'm just passing through so...
- Sure, no problem.
- Thank you.
Let's pick up where we
left off yesterday, OK?
Basic step, everyone. Ready?
And one, two, three,
five, six, seven and...
- Sorry
- Yes?
I think I'm in the wrong class.
- Right.
- Where's Mr Parfitt?
- He's in his office, OK?
- OK.
All right, let's carry on.
Ready and...
What's he, um... Sorry.
What's he doing in there?
- I don't know.
- Fine, all right.
- I'm sorry. Crack on.
- That's all right.
- We will, thank you.
- Do your basics.
Thank you very much. Here we go.
Ready and one, two, three.
Hello?
- Hey. Are you not teaching me?
- I said I ran a class.
- Didn't say I taught one.
- Ron, please.
It's baby stuff out there.
Just one quick freshener.
Oh, I see.
OK.
I think we've done...
One private lesson.
How much do you want?
40 for an hour?
Oh, that's what you think.
You think I sit back here
waiting for someone to come
in and open their wallet?
Yeah, what are you waiting for?
Alicia.
- Hello.
- This is Bruce Garrett.
- Take him out for a quick spin.
- No.
Road test him.
Alicia teaches our advanced class,
2007 world champion,
dances cabaret style.
Oh, yes, yes.
You do know cabaret style, yeah?
Sorry, do I... You ask
if I know cabaret style?
Do you want to get warm?
You should, although you
look quite warm as it is.
I hear about you.
- Ah.
- The boy with fire in his heels.
Well, that's a long time ago.
Aw.
- You're in my yard now.
- Mm?
Oh, crikey.
Shh-ah.
Ah, cha.
- Ya.
- Rumba!
Ow!
Ow!
Ow!
Please.
Stop it.
Ooh.
Welcome back.
That's lesson one, son.
Thank you.
All right, dump truck.
Have you seen what
she's wearing today?
- Who?
- The big boss, yeah.
She's got her green number on.
Isn't that nice?
She's trying to tell me something,
you know what I mean?
She's trying to tell me something.
I'm going to leave a stink on her
that she will never get off.
I'm going to be on her like
bonfire smell, you know I mean?
She's going to be in the
shower changing her clothes.
She's going to be like,
"OMG, I can still smell him."
That's right, Julia. Get used to it.
I'm in your pores.
You're disgusting.
I think it's so cute when
you've got a little crush.
You get a little crush and you
get so disgusted. Listen.
Women like that use guys like you
to get advice about men like me.
It's empty.
Are you kidding me?
Argh!
Ah! Oh...
Oh, God.
Oh, my God. Oh, God.
- Oh, my God, are you OK?
- Yeah.
- Somebody call an ambulance!
- Really, no, I'm fine.
Don't move. Don't move. Don't move.
Don't move. Don't move.
In for two, out for two. Slow down.
- Was there a pastry in this bag?
- Yeah, I had an iced bun.
I was driving...
and then, all of a sudden, my tape
deck wasn't working and then bang!
All of a sudden you were on the hood
of my car. I thought I'd killed you.
Listen, don't worry. I'm fine.
OK. OK, you're OK.
- Yeah. We're OK.
- I'm OK.
You're alive!
I mean, I hit you with my car,
the least I could do is
give you a ride home.
Don't worry about it.
It's only a little car, isn't it?
Oh, my God.
Are you going to sue me?
No! No, gosh, no. Good
Lord, I'd never sue.
You know we're not... As a society,
we're not really big
suers, you know?
We don't... We don't do it.
God, you're rambling. Are you OK?
- Yeah.
- Are you sure?
- No, I'm fine.
- OK, what's my name?
- Do you remember my name?
- Julio.
Oh, there's the culprit.
- Oh.
- The cassette of death.
La casete de muerte.
Ah, Tito Puente, Willie
Coln, Ray Barretto.
Oh, yes, let's just put that
somewhere else far, far away.
It's uh...
I salsa, OK? I'm into salsa.
In fact, I was on my
way to salsa class,
which is why I was willing
to kill a man to get there,
so that's how much I like salsa.
All right, so you've
entered total shock.
Are you in a state of shock now?
I... I salsa.
Ah.
Right, sure you do.
Wow, now I'm really worried
about you. Are you OK?
Did Helen tell you about
the, uh, bowling?
'Cause we're going to do this
whole bowling-bonding thing
if you want to come.
Uh, yeah. Yeah,
definitely. Definitely.
I like bowling. I was...
I was born to bowl, really.
Born to bowl, wow.
That's a big statement.
One more time and...
One, two, three, five, six, seven.
Let's try that one more time.
Ready and one...
Oh, you, whatever your name is.
My name is Bruce Garrett and
I'm here to learn salsa.
Well, very nice to meet you, Bruce.
We're walking through some basics.
Ready and one, two, three,
to the side, six, seven.
Forward and turn. Back and shimmy.
One more time and...
one, two, three, five, six, seven.
Forward and turn, back and shimmy.
Nice one, Bruce.
Let's try that again. Ready
and five, six, seven, go!
Turn! Shimmy!
One more time.
Yeah, thank you.
Well done, everyone. Muy bien.
See you next week. Thank you
very much, guys. Thank you.
Woo.
Ah.
- I love this.
- Hey.
I just wanted to say sorry
for being rude to you.
Yes, you were.
You were very rude to me.
You were kind of a pig to
me, actually, a rude pig.
I'm kidding with you. God!
My name is Bejan, nice to meet you.
- I'm Bruce.
- Bruce, hi.
Bejan is actually my middle name.
My full name is Ali
Reza Bejan Ahmadzadeh.
Wow, a bit of a mouthful, innit?
Yes. Bejan means hero.
- Ah, that's nice.
- What does Bruce mean?
Uh, Bruce, I think it comes from the
old Saxon meaning bush or hedge.
Mm.
We're all hitting the
club if you want to...
- Oh, right.
- Boteco. It's hot shit.
The dance floor, fully programmable
LED ester and black glass.
- Wow. Semi-sprung?
- Yes, please.
Mm, it would be like
dancing on a glass pillow.
- You want to come? Take my number.
- I don't know.
- You don't want to take my number?
- Not your number.
You don't have to take my
number if you don't want it.
I can walk in the other direction.
Plenty of other people to speak to.
I'm sure one of them
want my number.
- I didn't mean that.
- I'm fucking with you again!
Get a sense of humour,
for God's sake! Wait there.
I'm going to give you
my direct number, OK?
You call me on this any time
between 5:30 and quarter to six.
That's a.m. I'm a morning person.
Thank you.
- I tracked down Ron Parfitt.
- Oh, my God. What's he like?
Exactly the same. Just a
horrible, grumpy, old bastard.
Holy shit, Bruce. This is huge.
Is this for her?
"Is this for her?"
Yes, it's for her.
I'm thinking about asking
her to maybe dance with me.
That sounds good, so
what happens next?
- I'm just going go ask her.
- Wrong.
No, no, no. You don't go straight
in with a big romantic gesture
until you've done the groundwork.
She's like a blank wall, Bruce.
Firstly, you have to
apply the primer,
then the undercoat and then
you go in with the emulsion.
What kind of wall?
It might not need primer.
I'm serious, Bruce.
You can't go and ask her out
until you've done the undercoat.
Fantastic, that's just tremendous.
Hey, Bruce.
- Hey.
- Oh, hey, man.
You look nice, but you know what?
I'm already, er, sorted
with a phone plan.
Bruce, you need your shoes otherwise
you're gonna miss out on this frame.
- Good luck.
- All right, here we go.
Phone shop.
- Oh.
- Oh.
Here comes the dirty thunder.
Oh, the Gaelic gale.
- Huh? I hit seven, I think.
- Move over.
Oh.
- Never mind.
- Pump it up.
Amazing. Ah.
Can I just give you a little bit
of constructive feedback?
- Yeah, please do.
- Oh, yeah.
Well, uh, I've noticed a
little flaw in your game.
OK, listen, I think I know
what you're going to say.
This probably is about me
continually rolling the balls into
the recess gutters, isn't it?
- Yes, it is.
- Yeah. I think...
I think it's the only weakness
in my game, you know?
It is. It is the only weakness,
but, uh, it's a pretty major one.
- Yeah, it's a biggy.
- So let's deal with it.
Here, I'll show you. Come on.
Oh! Sumba, bunga, wunga!
Did you see that?
So you put your
fingers in the holes.
No. No, no, no, no.
No innuendo, OK?
The first rule of bowling is
there's holes and there's balls
and we're all adults.
We just have to get over it.
- Let's bowl.
- Yup.
Hold your ball like a baby.
- Throw it like a rocket.
- Yup.
Hold it like a baby.
Throw it like a rocket, yeah?
Yeah.
Hold it like a baby and then
I throw it like a rocket.
I hold it like a baby and then
I throw it like a rocket.
Hold it like a baby and then
I throw it like a rocket.
Sorry. Sorry.
I'm calling social services.
You're calling social services?
Why? Has he been within
100 metres of a school?
- You're up, Jules.
- Oh.
Go on, Julio, if that's your name.
Listen, you just focus on
your baby rocket big shot.
Yeah.
All right. Let's do this.
Come on, baby ball.
- I just need one strike.
- Oh, wow.
Have you seen the pants
on that guy over there?
- Go on.
- Here we go.
Did you end up keeping the shoes
or you gave them back or...?
- No, I gave them back.
- I thought they really suited you.
Ah, do you mind if I
just put my seat back?
- Oh, there's not much room here.
- It's just I've got such long legs.
Oh! That's better.
Bruce, we'll drop you off first.
All that exercise, you must be exhausted.
- Bye, Bruce.
- See you later, Brucie.
Loving the pad. Let's
get this party started.
Bruce!
Bruce!
- Bruce!
- Hey, shut up.
My God, I thought it was number 4
and then I thought it's number 14
and then I thought it was
number 40 and then I went to 14
and then I went to 40,
but there isn't a 40.
- How are you doing?
- I'm good. Hello.
- One more for me.
- You want a drink?
- Do you have any Fanta?
- I do not.
That's a shame, because I do!
Ooh. Wow. I'll get glasses.
No, no, no, it's not a wedding.
You drink from the bottle.
- Erm... thank you.
- Mm-hmm.
- Salamati.
- Ah, salamati
- Mm.
- Mm. Urgh, it's flat.
It's not flat. It's still.
It's still Fanta.
- They don't do still Fanta.
- They don't do still Fanta.
I have to make my own. You just open
the bottle. Put it on the balcony.
Two days later, boom, shake
the room, yes please.
- Ha.
- Mm.
Are you ready?
Do you want to go? Let's go.
You're going like this?
Yeah. What's the matter with this?
Well...
everything
What are these?
- Shirts.
- Polyester mix?
I'm thinking 50% polyester,
20% Crimplene, 5% wool, yes?
- Sure.
- It's bullshit.
Silk, smart, casual, breathable.
Yes, please.
Cotton, soaks up
sweat like a sponge.
Vest up, my friend.
Linen, flyweight for quicker
movements, show off those turns.
Synthetic, less friction
means fewer blisters.
Unless you like blister. Do you
like blister? Who likes blister?
- Pilgrims.
- Exactly.
Who's that?
Can you hold that a second?
What's going on?
Not taking my calls?
- Just busy. I've been busy at work.
- Three words. The Velvet Pussycat.
- What, now?
- Yeah, come on. Get changed.
- It's a Tuesday night.
- Yeah, exactly.
Bruce, do you have any
idea how hard I've worked
- to get Amanda to take up a hobby.
- Mm.
I've been masterminding Project
Pilates for six months.
Why do you think that is?
Two whole hours of freedom,
8:30 to 10:30, once a week.
What do you think I'm going to do
with that time, sit indoors wanking?
I can do that when she's at home.
I'm just... I'm bushed, you know?
I'm just going to have a
bath and hit the hay.
A bath?
Oh, that's nice. Will it have
nice little bubbles in it?
- Who are you talking to?
- Eh? Who's this?
Hi. My name is Bejan.
Pleased to meet you.
- It's a mate from work.
- Mate? Oh, my God. I'm honoured.
- All right.
- It's a big, big moment for me.
Well, I'll leave you to your bath.
We weren't having a group.
We weren't going to do group.
He was going to go and I was going
to have a bath. Please don't. Don't.
Don't worry. It's fine.
I'll er... I'll go by myself.
- I'll give you a call later, yeah?
- Yeah.
Bye, Gary!
He's cute.
Two more things, your
hairy chest and a tan.
- No, no, no.
- Yes, yes, yes, yes.
- No, no.
- Bruce, what year is this?
Did we just go back in time?
Did we step out of the De Lorean?
Are we in 1985?
Is this Hill Valley?
Think McFly! Think!
- Ow.
- Sorry, I just wanted to...
So take this...
- and take this.
- Fine.
You've got ten minutes.
Run for it, Marty!
Ah. Oh.
Wow. It's so deep.
So natural.
How do you feel?
Thank you.
And on the 7th day, the Almighty
turned to his followers and said...
- What does that mean?
- Let's salsa.
- Oh. He's grinding her batty.
- Yeah, he is.
Yeah!
Oh, look. Look.
- That looks fun.
- Oh my God. They make me feel sick.
Salsa aerobics?
It's not a salsa. It is a cancer.
Go back to the leisure
centre, you bitches!
- If I had a grenade right now...
- Shut up.
- I was just saying...
- A Middle Eastern man
talking about a grenade
in a packed night club.
- You'll start a bloody stampede.
- I'm saying if I had a grenade.
- Of course I don't have a grenade.
- Shush.
- Another Fanta.
- Let's have another Fanta.
- Hi, guys.
- Hey!
- So who's dancing?
- Oh, yes, please.
- Bruce.
- No, I'm going to sit this one out.
- I don't think so. Come on.
- Oh, please.
- Hi, Ron.
- Hey, are you all right?
Off. Off. Off.
What?
Get off this fucking dance floor
with your shitty dancing.
- I was doing the steps.
- Doing the steps?
Any prick can do the steps.
That prick can do the steps.
Where's the fucking heart?
Where's el corazn?
- I don't know.
- What's that?
- I don't know.
- You don't know.
Well, in that case, why don't
you piss off back to the bar,
grab yourself a pint of bitter and
watch like all the fucking losers?
Don't.
Scrub it off of me.
This filthy tan.
- Big news, ball bag.
- What?
Shift. When you were at home last
night making love to your hand,
guess who went disco dancing with
the sexually-frustrated lady boss.
- Who?
- Me. I did.
- Yeah, got that.
- Oh, my God. She can move.
And the sweat dripping off of her,
it was like a waterfall
of babies' tears.
Mm, poetic.
Ah, I think we all know
where this is headed.
Inside of her.
- You know what I mean?
- Yeah.
- Why are you telling me all this?
- Don't be a virgin.
- I know you made a play for her.
- No, I didn't.
A mix tape? Are you
fucking John Cusack now?
You took it.
I didn't want you to be embarrassed.
She'd laugh in your face.
I made it for her car.
- Just give me it, will you?
- Your big arms are too slow.
- Hey, guys.
- Hey, Jules.
- How's it going?
- Really good. Really good.
Last night was fun, right?
- So much fun.
- Yeah, it was good.
Helen was obviously trying
to hustle us all, but...
Yeah, it was a good night.
How are your little footsies?
- You know what? Pretty sore.
- I'll bet they are.
We, uh, stopped off at a
club on the way home.
That's right.
I'm going to go.
I've got things to do.
- See you later, Brucie.
- Bye, Bruce.
Drew! Ow!
Oh, shit.
Oh, shit. Oh.
- Are you all right?
- Yeah, just having a manicure.
- This came. Will you sign for it?
- Sure.
Can you... Sorry.
- Thank you. Cheers.
- Thanks.
Can I, um...
Oh, this is bad.
Help.
- That was so fun.
- Yeah.
- We should do it again.
- Yeah, maybe.
What's erm... What's with the tape?
Oh, shoot.
You caught me.
Er, it's for your car.
Oh, my God. You made an inlay.
Yes, I did.
Nobody makes inlays anymore.
Yeah, it's just a silly, little
touch I thought you'd like.
That's really...
That's really nice.
Now I feel like I have
to get you something.
That would be so cute.
That's really nice. Thank you.
- How was your bubble bath?
- Ha-ha!
- Was it rejuvenating?
- That's classic, Gary, classic.
Listen, I love the craic.
One might say I'm
addicted to the craic,
but right now I just
want to get my head down
and plough my way through this
bucket of balls, all right?
Yeah?
I think we've got a new heading
for our weekly roundup.
Unexplained homoerotic encounters
with rugged foreign males. Mickey?
- Nil.
- Me, nil. Brucie?
Ah, fuck the weekly roundup.
Fuck it.
Oh, dear. What's wrong with her?
Come on, Bruce. Who was he?
- What are you hiding from us?
- Nothing.
Aw.
Did the sexy sultan's rich bath
milk irritate your sensitive skin?
- Fuck off.
- Oh!
Hey, are you all right, Gary? Gary?
- I'm sorry. Are you OK?
- Yeah, fine mate.
- Yeah, forget about it.
- Hey, hey, hey. Don't go.
Yeah, this is the one, the
trusty arsehole wedge.
Hey, hey. Don't... Gary, don't...
Stop it. Stop. Oh! Gary! Oh!
Gary, don't!
- You keep running!
- Gary!
- Right.
- Help me!
Par three!
- Argh!
- Or should I say par arsehole!
I didn't mean to hit
you, Gary! Please!
Keep running!
Ah!
Oh! Oi!
- Stop it!
- Ah!
Argh! Oi!
- I dance!
- Fore!
I dance, all right?
Please stop hitting balls at me.
Wee!
Salsa?
- With the little shoes?
- Yes.
Yes, salsa with the little shoes.
Why?
I was doing it for that girl.
- What girl?
- The... the butterfly.
The eponymous butterfly
from the "Tale of the
Butterfly and the Parsnip".
- The parsnip, the butterfly.
- Oh.
What, you thought the parsnip
would win the butterfly
by doing a bit of
tiny shoe shuffle?
Yes. I know. It's stupid, isn't it?
And then there's Drew.
Do you remember Drew?
Oh, yes, that horse's arse.
Yeah. Well, he likes her, too.
He might be a horse's arse, but he's
better at all this than I am so...
I might just let him
get on with it.
Yeah, mate, just...
It's probably for the best.
Just... just forget about her, eh?
He's back.
Jesus Christ, Ron.
You fuckin' made me jump.
Who is she, Bruce?
Mm?
The girl in the club the other
night, she's the one, hm?
- It doesn't matter.
- No, of course, it doesn't matter.
That's why you've got a
face like a dropped scone.
It's just stupid. I wanted to
make her fall in love with me.
Mm... and then along comes this other
fella... tall, better looking...
Let's face it. His dick
couldn't be any smaller.
That's why you came back.
La doa, the woman.
It's salsa, Ron.
- It's always about a woman.
- Mm-hmm.
I just wanted you to make
me good enough for her.
Why don't you just keep standing
in front of that mirror
and do what you did in the
club the other night?
- Do me a favour and do that.
- What?
Oh, come on. You know
what you did. You felt it.
- You want me to do it now?
- Come on. It's just us girls, Brucie.
I don't want to.
- Oh, he bottles it.
- Bottles?
What a surprise.
- Where are you going?
- Come on. We got work to do.
What kind of work?
We're going to get shit-faced
and play board games.
- Eye piece for one eye?
- Monocle.
Mm.
Sorry, why are we doing this again?
- Sits on top of a Christmas tree?
- A fairy.
No, a star.
- That's time.
- Oh, all right.
- That's for you.
- Go.
OK, they ate this much to God's
annoyance in the Garden of Eden.
- Apple.
- Apple is correct.
Oh, OK, he... Um, he's a an actor.
- He does films.
- It's a purple one.
- Yeah and?
- You have to do an impression.
I'm not doing an impression.
- Well, you have to.
- No.
- Do the impression, Bruce.
- No, I can't.
- Just do the impression.
- No, I'm not doing an impression.
- What are you so scared of, eh?
- I'm not.
- Just do the impression, then.
- No, I'm not doing...
Why are you so afraid of
what people might think?
Why can't you put
yourself out there?
- I mean...
- So do the impression.
- It's almost time.
- Do the impression.
- That's it. Time.
- Do the fucking impression!
- Why are you always shouting at me?
- Because you fucking quit on me.
- I did not quit.
- You had the world at your feet.
- I did not quit.
- And you walked away, didn't you?
- No, I didn't.
- Oh, yes, you did.
You keep swanning back in
here and swanning out again.
- Swanning back in...
- They broke me. All right?
If you want to know, the night of
the competition, they broke me.
A gang of kids, bullies, they just...
they broke it out of me.
- I didn't want to do it anymore!
- Some big boys gave you a shoeing.
You're a male dancer.
Do you think I never took any shit?
So what are you going
to do about it, eh?
Are you going to hide away,
or maybe crawl under your duvet
and watch "Bridget Jones Part
Two" with some white Maltesers?
Don't.
Then what?
- Then what?
- I don't know!
So do the fucking impression!
- Say hello to my little friend.
- Again.
- Say hello to my little...
- Again!
- Say hello to my...
- Again!
Say hello to my little friend!
- Al Pa-fucking-cino
- Yes!
So... shall we go and dance
in front of the mirror?
Yeah.
Yes. That is time.
Get the shoulders. Loosen up.
That's it. Loosen up.
Roll those shoulders. Roll them.
Roll them. Roll them.
Arms of an eagle.
I said an eagle, not
a fucking heron.
It is an eagle.
OK, try again. Legs of a stallion.
Arms of an eagle.
Go.
That's it. Work it out, Brucie.
Go on, Garrett.
Takes a lot of hard work
to make it look that easy.
- Mm.
- All right.
Think about it all the time.
Now, I know you're all waiting
for this particular model,
but as we say, better
lathe than never.
All right, so...
One, two, three, four...
- What is that?
- What?
- That's chicken stuff.
- It's reggaeton.
- Three, two, one and down.
- Ow!
- You all right?
- Ow.
I'm so sorry. Someone's coming.
Whoa, whoa! Room for a small one?
I have a question for you.
Well, I love questions.
So you like Latin music, huh?
- The mix tape.
- Oh, right, the mix, yes.
Oh, I am a Latino boy big
time, I am, music wise.
Thanks for listening to that.
It was a real labour of love for me.
That track at the end
of side one, oh...
Oh, shoot, that's the...
That's my favourite track.
- Isn't it just so er... tracky?
- It's so...
And, er, it's the best song that you
could put at the end of side one
- on a mix tape, like that.
- Yeah, yeah.
You know what's weird is
whenever I listen to that track,
I like to imagine myself just
lying in front of a log fire,
just with a glass of... tequila,
just chewing on a
chimichanga, you know?
Oh, hey.
That pitch that you and Bruce did,
you guys aced it, bam, sold.
Shut the front door.
You're kidding.
Stop that train. No, I'm not.
I'm not.
We should get together
and celebrate.
- Yes, we should.
- My place.
- Yes.
- Take-out.
- Yes.
- Invite Bruce and Helen.
Yeah.
We should absolutely do that.
- Cool, so you'll tell them.
- Yeah.
- Great.
- Of course. I'll totes tell them.
You can totally trust
me to do that.
That's not a problem.
- Hey. What are you hiding?
- Nothing.
- What are you hiding?
- Behold.
Santa Vito.
What? It's just another
salsa night. So what?
So what? Look at it squashy chops.
It's a competition. Sorry.
Don't you see? This
is your time, Bruce.
This is the Goonie time.
Do you know about the Goonie time?
Of course I know about the Goonie time.
My watch runs on Goonie time.
So then you know that
it's their time up there,
but it's our time down here.
You can do this, Bruce.
You can win this mother-funky
and you can show the world
what you're really made of.
Think about it. What
have we go to lose?
Yeah, I mean, I suppose I could.
Bruce, we Persians have a saying.
- I... I don't really speak Farsi.
- If you want to do something do it.
If you don't want to do it,
don't do it.
I'm going to be late for my
ball wax. I'll call you later.
- Yeah, sure.
- OK, bye.
I can still see you there.
- See you.
- See you later.
Hello. One, two, three,
four, five. Yes.
- You win.
- Finally. Finally.
Now, you know what you get
for first prize, you lucky prick.
- I dread to think.
- You get one of these.
- And there it is.
- And...
two of these.
I just thought you might want an old
pair of shitty shoes from the '80s.
One careful owner.
Thanks, Ron.
You're not going to try and
finger me now, are you?
- You want me to try and finger you?
- You're ready.
You... are free.
I'm going to ask her to
this thing tomorrow night
and I would be honoured if
you would come and watch us.
Ah, I'll have to check my diary.
Thank you.
Look at them.
- They're so soft
- Mm.
Don't... Don't do that.
Come on.
She's not at work today.
'Fine, so do it tomorrow.'
No, I can't. It is tonight, all right?
I have to do it tonight.
In that case, you are
a tiny bit fucked.
Sam, please, I really
need you to just help me.
OK, do exactly as I say
and do not deviate.
You go home, you shower, you
shave, you put on something nice.
I'm thinking powder blue,
shirt not trousers.
Do not put on powder blue trousers.
Then you get a taxi to her house.
Someone will know where she lives.
You knock on her door.
You knock her off her feet
with your confident
suggestion of a night out.
She immediately says yes, then
you whisk her off to the club.
You dance the competition.
You win the competition.
We all get shit-faced,
then we all go home, got it?
Thanks, Sam.
Oh, God, I'm good.
God, it's so busy in here.
I think I'll use this one.
- All right, ball bag.
- Stupid.
Just finishing off a little
text to Julie-Jules.
I told you that she gave me
her mobile number, right?
Yeah, a few times.
Ooh, by the way, thanks
for that mixed tape.
That was a hit.
- You gave it to her?
- Oh, yeah, she bloody loved it.
Thought it was very sweet.
I think I'm going to put it on when
we seal the deal for the first time.
You know, a bit of
sex-muzak, set the mood.
Don't be jealous, big lad.
I'm sure she'll still have room in
her life for a fat best friend.
You don't know about me.
What don't I know?
I dance.
I'm sorry, I thought you
said that "I dance".
Yeah, I did. I dance salsa.
- You dance salsa?
- Yeah, salsa.
I would fucking love to see that.
Maybe you will. Maybe I'll
dance you under the table.
What sort of table?
Any sort of table.
All right, bum flap,
let's settle this like men.
Winner takes Julia.
What about HR?
What happens at lunch
stays at lunch.
Ow!
Your wrists are limp.
- Ooh!
- Your dick is limp.
Oh, sorry.
- You learn fast.
- I learn from the best. Julia.
Sweet, sweet, rest-your-
balls-on-my-chin, Julia.
- Smell that.
- No.
Did you just lick my pussy?
Yeah and you tasted
like a nasty girl.
That's disgusting.
Wanker!
I'm wearing the wrong
shoes for this shit.
- What the fu...
- Coo-ee!
Where are you?
I thought you liked banter.
Oh, fuck off, Bruce. Fuck off.
- Ooh.
- What the... Big mistake.
That's Jessie the lezzie
from accounts' car.
Quick step for such meaty thighs.
Ooh, ooh, do you like that?
- Wait, no, don't lead me!
- Like a lady.
- This is wrong. You know it is.
- Like a lady.
- I'm a man. I'm a fully-grown man.
- Then prove it.
What is that?
- That's my phone.
- No, no.
Huh?
Ooh! Oh, me blades!
Oh!
Whoo!
Like I said, any sort of table.
Fine, you win.
I can't do this every
fucking lunch.
Doesn't mean that she's
going to pick you, Bruce.
She wouldn't pick you over me.
That's just bad maths.
- She's a clever girl.
- Probably right.
You're quite good-looking.
You've got lovely, long legs.
- Yeah.
- Nice car.
- Great car.
- But there is something missing.
I have got something that you don't have.
Do you know what that is?
Type 2 diabetes.
Heart.
Corazn.
You know, I am Bruce Garret
and I am fucking salsa.
Get up, bum flap.
How can you take something so
seriously that's named after a dip?
- Oh, nice shirt.
- Thank you.
- Come in.
- No, wait, wait. Please.
I dance. I dance salsa and there
is this club called Santo Vito...
- Bruce.
- No, please
I can hardly breathe. I'm so nervous.
I'm hyperventilating.
I feel like I can see flies.
- I don't...
- Let me cut to the chase.
If you're not doing anything
tonight, I would love to take...
- Of course.
- Bruce?
- What's wrong, Bruce?
- Of course, this is...
- Bruce...
- I'm sorry.
What do you mean?
No, Bruce, what? Wait. Bruce.
Come back. Bruce?
Where are you go... Oh.
Oh, my... Oh, my God.
What are you doing?
Come on. You know.
I know? What do I know?
Let's say we skip dinner and
go straight to pudding.
Are you kidding?
Yeah. Yeah, totally kidding.
Just focus on putting
your pants back on.
OK, I'm not kidding. Here's the thing.
This is where I'm at.
I just want to be honest with you
because I think you deserve that.
I'm just going to say this.
I'm just going to blurt it
out before I lose my nerve.
- Oh, my God.
- Julia Matthews of America...
I would be honoured if you
would let me fuck you.
- Really?
- I just want to...
I just want to...
I just want to do it.
Oh, my God.
Just get up and just
get out, please.
- What?
- Just get out.
Wait. Is this banter?
I can't believe that
you just dropped trou
and propositioned your boss.
- Did you really just do that?
- It was an act of boldness.
Wait, did you not tell Bruce
about tonight, or Helen?
- Did I tell Bruce and Helen?
- Was this all part of your plan?
I can't... I might have.
I don't think I mentioned it.
All right, this conversation
is definitely over.
Just please take your
little Italian shoes
and your pudding and just get out.
Can I just say I think that
you are making a big mistake?
I'm going to have you transferred
to plastic mouldings on Monday.
Oh, that's bullshit! That's
just a bad managerial...
You know what? FYI I didn't
make that shitty mix tape.
Oh.
I'm sorry, Julia.
I said some things, which
may now seem foolish.
OK, I'm... I'm going to be honest.
My granny died.
I swear to God, Drew, if you're
still there in 15 seconds,
I'm going to take your pudding
and shove it right up your ass.
Uh...
Bruce.
Welcome tonight to the Santa
Vito salsa espectculo. Let's go!
We're about an hour away from
the main competition event.
You like it?
Not really my thing.
How do you know you don't
like it unless you try it?
A lot of things I
haven't tried, mate.
I haven't tried incest, but I'm
pretty sure I wouldn't like it.
Incest and salsa are two very
different things, trust me.
Bruce, call me when you get this.
I want to know you're all right.
- He's not picking up.
- He's probably crying somewhere.
Somewhere quiet and dry.
That's what I would be doing.
I think I know where he is.
- Can I borrow a racket?
- Help yourself.
So how did it go?
I'm wearing a silk shirt studded
with jet-black rhinestones
driving balls out
into the darkness.
How do you think it went?
So now what? Are you
going to stop dancing?
- I was only doing it for her.
- Were you?
So, what, are you going
to give it all up again,
the only thing you're good at?
Literally the only thing
you've ever been good at
that wasn't shit and
totally pointless.
Oh, OK, fine. Here we go.
Just off the top of my head,
quizzes, carving Sunday roasts,
the Rubik's Cube,
the Rubik's Sphere.
The Rubik's Snake,
flags of the world,
driving abroad, famous dams,
identifying dogs by their
silhouettes, you know?
- African money. I could go on.
- You're wasting your life.
What do you know?
You are 35 years old.
And you are working as a hula girl.
Oh, sorry, no, hula woman. Oh!
- Fuck off, Bruce.
- You fuck off.
- Good shot.
- Thanks.
You need to dance, Bruce.
You were lost. This is
your chance to get back.
- I don't have a partner.
- Yeah, you do.
- You?
- I've still got it.
- That's pretty good.
- Mm-hmm.
Remember the old routine?
Don't. Don't do that.
Don't you bloody dare.
Don't evoke it.
Thunder, Thunder,
Thunder, ThunderCats! Ho!
'Yes, please, give it
up for Gaz and Kate.'
Salt and pepper, here
comes the hot stepper.
- All right? All right, Gal?
- Oi, oi.
- Hey, Helen, thanks for coming.
- Fuck me, you look great.
- Where's Ron?
- He was busy. I'm sorry.
Bruce, forget Ron.
You look so good you could
be fucking Bee Gee.
'Oye, look at this.
Me la rebanco.
'Don't ruffle her feathers.'
You have to go.
'Just what I'm talking about.
Let's go through to the next round.
Celebremos. Celebremos. Celebremos.
'Can we please have the couples to
the dance floor for heat four?'
- Are you ready?
- No.
Me neither. Come on. Let's go.
I'm sorry.
Hey!
- Happy?
- Yeah.
Big smile, tits and teeth out.
'Let's go!'
'That's what I'm talking about!'
- Holy shit.
- Wow.
Yes, holy shit.
'Look at this. The feet of fury.'
Hey, adios, my friends.
Ho!
I'm sorry. You have to go.
Time to go.
'Catch her. Have a ball.
In blue, azul.
'We have our semi-finalists here.'
'Amazing!
'Inspirational!'
- OK, I want it back.
- What?
- Come on. Where is it?
- Where's what?
What have you done with it?
Where have you hidden it?
- Is it in this pocket?
- Don't.
- It's in this pocket.
- Don't muck about.
- What have you done with it?
- What?
You took my breath away in
there and I want it back.
Ha-ha! Very funny.
Bruce, when I first met you,
you were like a sangeh ghohi
Mm, sangeh ghohi
What does it mean, sangeh ghohi?
It's like a large round
stone with some shit on it.
But now... you have
become of the age.
You are a man, Bruce.
Yeah.
Yeah, I suppose I am.
And now you have stolen my
heart as well as my breath.
Where do you keep
hiding these things?
- I should get back out there.
- Yes. Yes, you should.
You go, Bruce. Go and kill them
all, man, woman and child.
I'm not going to kill a child.
OK. Go!
Do you have a Tic Tac?
'Musica, maestro!
What about these guys?
'What about these guys?
'Brrr!'
'Hey, now.'
Oh, no, no, no. Get off.
- 'I'm sorry, friends.'
- Let's go.
'Hey, you dig it!
'And here is fanning
the flames of salsa.'
- Ow!
- Let's go!
Let's go!
- Yes!
- Come on, Bruce!
'Double pleasure.
'Wow, that's unexpected.'
You're in my yard now.
'We have our finalists!
We have our finalists.'
Oh, love you, Bruce.
Hey.
- 'Let's hear it. Come on.'
- That's my best mate.
'Wow.'
- Gary, whisky, large.
- You can win this, Bruce.
I haven't got much more left.
- Drink it. Drink it.
- No, I don't want it.
Eye of the tiger, Bruce.
Eye of the tiger!
'Ladies and gentlemen,
the floor is yours.'
Wow.
Yeah, I thought I'd make an effort.
Me and Drew wasn't anything.
That's not anything.
Good.
I just wanted to say thank
you for the mix tape.
It's no big deal, although
the inlay, that took ages.
Great inlay. Excellent penmanship.
- Thank you.
- Really.
Yeah, I used a very fine nib
0.4 mil, it's tiny. It's probably
the width of a human hair.
So I didn't have you down as
a salsa guy. No of fence.
Right, yes.
I was a dancer when I was
a kid and I loved it
and then this shit thing happened
to me and everything changed...
until I met you and
you inspired me,
so I learnt to dance again.
I re-learnt all the old steps.
I tracked down my old teacher,
Ron Parfitt who's just...
He's a horrible,
horrible human being.
I shaved my chest. I went
to some amazing clubs.
I met some amazing
people and now...
finally I feel like me again,
which is what I always wanted.
You know? To... feel like myself.
- You shaved your chest?
- Yeah, I shaved my chest, and...
...it's very itchy, all the time.
'OK, kill the musica,
please, maestro.
'Ladies and gentlemen, let's
go, the Santo Vito final!'
I was wondering
perhaps you would...
Yes, I'll dance with you.
- Hi.
- Hi.
- Do you want me to lead?
- No, no, I'll be all right.
I was actually doing quite
well until you turned up.
Probably be disqualified.
'Hey!
'Yes, friends. Oye, mi amigo.
'This is the final, friends.
'Let them feel you.
Let them feel you.'
'Santa Vito, our winners!'
- I don't think we won.
- Maybe next time.
Fab. That was amazing.
- Hi, I'm Sam.
- Hi, Sam.
Scusi seor Garrett.
Permission to come on
to your dance floor.
Granted, Mr Parfitt.
- Mwah!
- Ah.
'I don't know about you,
but it's time for some love.
'So demonstrate.
Come on. Let's go.'
Hey, good work.
Well done.
'Salsa.'
'It was like something
from another planet,
'the music,
the passion, the rhythm.
'Once I put those shoes on,
I never wanted to take them off.
'It was like I had
fire in my heels.
'I was an unstoppable salsa machine,
trophy after trophy after trophy,
'all overseen by my
mentor, Ron Parfitt,
'great coach, hard bastard.'
Most people think you dance
with your feet. Bollocks.
You dance with your heart.
You dance with el corazn.
And Bruce, Bruce has got
a heart like a bison
and balls like an elephant.
'And by side, my sister
and dance partner, Sam.'
Thunder, Thunder, Thunder,
"ThunderCats". Ho!
Ten!
'We travelled the circuit,
'Berkshire, Buckinghamshire,
Bedfordshire,
'We won it all, every title going,
except one... the Nationals.
'Cuban heels, silk shirt,
1,000 hand-sewn sequins.
'I was ready to take on the world.
'But sometimes salsa just
throws you out for a spin.'
Oi, wanker, nice shirt.
Hey!
Come here!
'I don't know where I was when
I fell in love with salsa.
'But I know exactly where
I was when it stopped.'
Who do you think you are?
Barry Manilow?
'Ladies and gentlemen,
welcome to the Nationals...'
'I never turned up that night.
'I just phoned him and told
him, "Salsa's for pussies."
'And I guess that fire in my heels,
'it just went out.'
Mm.
Oh, dear.
Mm.
'GFD Engineering,
'Western Europe's premier supplier
of high-end manufacturing
'and five-star
industrial machinery...'
- Bike.
- Oh, God.
Why do we have to do this
every morning? It's not a bike.
Not now it's not, but I just watched
you transform it on the monitor.
Look, I'll admit, for a while
outside it was a bike,
but now, piff, paff,
poof, look at that.
It's a piece of luggage.
Bike.
- Fucking hell.
- Juanita, buenos das.
Bruco, no.
No, no.
What have you gone for here?
This what you're wearing today?
I cycle in wearing it.
You just looked in your
wardrobe and thought,
"I think I'll just look like a
Maxi Babybel today." Was that it?
- Have you shaved?
- No.
Just lift your...
Some jam on your stubble.
Don't do that in front of everyone.
It's a big day, a big day, man.
Got the new boss
starting this morning.
I hear he's a ball buster.
Well, I hear apparently
he is a she.
You mean like a tranny?
- No.
- No.
- A woman.
- Oh... a woman.
What kind of a woman
wants to run a company
that specialises in heavy
industrial machinery?
I think I know.
Big, hairy.
- Big sort of big lump.
- A beast.
Might be perfect for you.
Hmm. Anyway, listen, this bike's
not going to park itself.
I'll see you up there, OK?
Don't be late.
I don't like my team to be late.
It's unprofessional, isn't it, bum flap?
There they are, Mork and Mindy.
Uh, Helen.
Can you not hear that?
- Hello, Bruce Garrett.
- 'Hello, Bruce.
'Do you like scary films?'
- What?
- 'I'm doing "Scream".
- 'You totally bought it.'
- Oh, hi, Drew.
'They're going to unleash
the beast, Bruce.'
Who wouldn't swap the crystal
blue waters of the Pacific
for the endless silted mud flats
of old Father Thames? Am I right?
Uh, and hopefully I can prove to you
that I'm a better sales manager
than I am a public speaker.
I bet she's got the bag
to go with them shoes.
- Mm?
- Her, United States of Bitch Face.
Little Miss I'm-So-American.
OK, I'm going to stop talking now.
Let's all have a drink.
Hear, hear.
- Oi.
- You were right, you know?
She is a woman.
And what a woman. Wow-wow-wee-wah.
I would make a splash inside that
like a milk truck hitting a wall.
Listen, can we not... Can we not
talk ejaculate at the buffet table?
Look at her, though. Look at
my little dairy queen, uh?
You see? You had
little a look, too.
- Oh, some tzatziki.
- Oh, that's cute.
No, it is. It's adorable, Bruce.
That's all right. You can look.
But don't touch 'cause that would
be embarrassing, wouldn't it?
- Just leave it to the experts.
- Sure.
- The sexperts. I just coined that.
- That's quite good, actually.
- Wasn't it?
- Don't!
Whoa!
Work time is over, motherfuckers.
Ah, I think we know
what that means.
That means, oh, oh,
it's party time.
That's right.
Who wants to come and play
with the dancing bear?
This one... This one loves
a little bear time.
- Oh, God.
- Come on.
- Not me.
- Come on. Come on. Come on.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Oh, there it is. You've got a little
bit of rhythm going on there.
That's it, see?
What are you worried about?
- She moves like a gem.
- Oh.
- Oh, yeah.
- What are you like?
And she loves a spin.
That was good, you see?
Oh, what about this one?
Little silent but
deadly in the corner.
- Stop it.
- You going to come dancing with me?
- Just a little something-something.
- Don't.
- What?
- I don't dance.
- Everybody's dancing.
- I don't dance. I don't like it.
All right, make yourself useful.
Oh, Oh.
Come on.
Oh, the line broke,
'cause it was a big fish.
What time is it? It's Cossack time!
Oh, yes.
Hey, Bruce!
Oh, you like it!
- Whoa.
- Whoa.
- Wow, I am so sorry.
- Sorry, I'm sorry.
We've got tangled here.
Let me try and get this... Ow!
- Ow.
- Ow.
Again, I'm sorry.
Are you all right?
Where am I? Am I in England?
No, I'm fine.
Just... fine.
Maybe we should get
these untangled.
- Bruce Garrett.
- Bruce Garrett, that's me and...
- Julio Matthews.
- They printed it wrong.
But I like it, so I'm
going to keep it.
Yeah. No, you should.
I think it suits you.
Adds Latin flavour to it.
Oh.
I just want you to know I wasn't
trying to escape your party.
No, me neither. Why would anybody
want to leave that amazing party?
- Uh, shall we...
- Yes.
Well, what a pickle, a 3-D jigsaw.
Thank you. Nice to meet you, Bruce.
Likewise... Julio.
Mm.
Mm. Do you know what I like
best about this place?
Apart from the free glac cherries?
Apart from the free glac cherries,
the fact that they
still insist upon
my little sister dressing up
like a Tongan concubine.
Oh, they don't insist and I
prefer Polynesian call girl.
Mm-hm.
So talk me through
head-butting your new boss.
Well, actually, she might
have head-butted me,
but our lanyards tangled.
There was a struggle, you know?
Our heads went forward.
There was a crash, wallop.
Mm, sounds like she made
quite an impression.
- No, no, not this again.
- Oh, come on, Bruce.
You haven't even mentioned a girl
since, what, the early '90s?
Stand down, Samantha, please.
She is not of my world.
Oh and what world is that,
the world of not even trying?
Yeah, indeed, the planet She's
Beautiful, Way Out Of My League,
and also my boss, so
knock it on the head.
Oh, that well-known place. Is that
right next to precious comfort zone?
A place you've never even
stepped out of ever.
All I'm saying is that if
you really like something,
you've got to put yourself out there.
Got to reach out and grab it.
The cherries are not
that delicious.
I'm not talking about
the cherries, Bruce.
I would not like to be those tyres.
- Ouch.
- Ha-ha, yeah, very amusing!
It comes fitted with an 80-mil,
three jaw self-centring chuck.
Tool size, eight mil max. I mean,
you'd never need any more.
- Hey, hello. This is, uh, Ju...
- Oh, sorry, everybody.
Let me introduce you to the
brains of the operation,
our head of department,
Miss Julia Matthews.
Uh... I'm sorry. Keep going.
I was just going to sit in.
It's nice to have you with us.
- Are you done?
- Yeah.
- Any questions?
- What's the capacity?
- Ah, capacity.
- Ah.
- It's 250 mil between the centres.
- You really know your stuff.
Thank you. Thank you.
I... I love lathes.
Oh, while I remember, we can
also provide, um, promo videos.
- Isn't that right, Bruce?
- Mm.
Actually, I think we've got one of
those on this computer right here.
Not on that one.
Let me have a look.
Yeah, I think I saw the one for
the DML vertical lathe on here
- somewhere the other day.
- No.
- Wait, there it is. Hold on.
- Is it?
Yeah, this is a really good example
of the videos we can give you.
'Hello, with a Meehanite frame
annealed for maximum rigidity,
'it offers perfect jib-bed
flushing each and every time.
'The Haas ST30 turning lathe,
'it offers precision grinding
over full vertical stroke.'
This is what I think of when I'm
trying not to ejaculate too quickly.
OK, green fees paid, let's
play the game of golf game.
Please help me.
Are you still banging
on about those balls?
Well, yes, this one's
going to fly further,
but this one's going to give me
more control round the green.
If we've finished with
the high-brow chit-chat,
can we move on please
to the weekly roundup?
- Yes, yes.
- OK, ladies and gentlemen.
Totals for the week,
dates with a lady?
- Nil.
- Nil.
- Mobile numbers acquired?
- Nil.
I got a number. It was a zero.
Ah, erotic encounters?
Nilly vanilly.
Now, listen to this.
Last Sunday at Tom's christening,
I grazed past horny
Aunty Jean's side boob?
- Does it count?
- Adjudicator?
- It's a nil.
- I thought I'd throw it in.
Finally, have you had any contact
with a member of the opposite sex
where money did not exchange hands
and she looked at you for
more than eight seconds
and she was not your mum
or an arresting officer?
Nil.
Bruce?
Mm? Well, no, obvs...
Here endeth the weekly roundup.
Hurry up, Mickey!
Ah, thank you... very much.
- Oh.
- What is it?
- Shit. Nothing. Please don't look.
- What's wrong?
What are you doing? What is it?
- Please don't look.
- Who is it, hm?
It's just someone from work.
It's a girl I work with.
- Oh, my God, she's nice.
- Don't look. Stop it.
- Hey, turn around, will you?
- Oh, I would...
- If I was physically able...
- You're not dis...
You're not disabled,
Gary. You're married.
Go on, then. Have a go.
Did you see her? She's beautiful.
She's like a ten. I'm a two.
That's an eight-point swing, like a
butterfly going out with a parsnip.
- What?
- Yeah. Well, you know...
All right, I'm not saying
it's going to be easy.
You'll have to work at it.
It's like that, um,
that machine you're on about
for British Aerospace.
- The PL5 cylindrical grinder.
- Thank you.
She's the cylinder. Click-click.
You're the grinder, mm?
Just grind her down, uh, uh, uh.
- You grind her down.
- I don't like the two-finger bit.
Make her notice you, Bruce.
- Think I should say hello?
- Oh, don't... no.
Go up there and say
something like...
"Hi."
Oh.
Woo-hoo. Good luck, mate.
- Bruce.
- Yes?
Grind it.
Don't do that. Don't be daft.
'Salsa.'
Why did it have to be salsa?
'Eat them. Eat them pig boy.
Eat your sequins.
'Eat them. Eat them!
'Who do you think you are?
Barry Manilow?
'Eat them...'
Hey, Rick, have you seen my sister?
- She's over there.
- Sam, Sam. Sam, sorry.
- Give us a second.
- I need you.
She is of my world.
- Who is?
- Julia, my boss.
You stepped out of
your comfort zone.
I was at the pub. She came in.
I followed her.
And she was salsa dancing.
- Are you shitting me?
- Oh, my God.
She was doing the
sweetest little basic
and I just wanted to rush in
and gather her into my arms
and... and... just dance, you know?
I haven't... I have not
felt like that since...
- Sequin-gate.
- Since Sequin-gate.
You know that box has been
closed a long, long time.
I know. It happened and it was bad.
What did you say? Bad?
Sam... they ripped all the
sequins off of my shirt
and they stuffed them
in my mouth, yeah?
And then they made me eat them.
The big boys made me gobble them, yeah?
Just gobbling, gobbling sequins.
- Gobbling the big BMX boy.
- Know the story, Bruce.
- Gobbling.
- Enough's enough. Now, listen.
Maybe this is your chance
to rewrite history.
Let it go.
What are you thinking about?
These are fucking hot
in large quantities.
Thank you.
Fucking hell, what is...
What is that?
- Vodka.
- Why would you give me neat vodka?
Now, listen, maybe
this is your way in.
You know how all girls
love a man who can dance.
You could dance.
If you really like this girl,
salsa your way in.
- I had fire in my heels, didn't I?
- Oh, feet of flames.
- Could I get it back again, though?
- Easily.
How easily?
See how I do this shot...
- That easily.
- That was easy.
- Mm.
- Can I have one?
- One?
- Mm-hm.
Salsa.
Mm.
Cheers.
Ah.
Salsa.
Salsa.
And the winner is...
Bruce Garrett.
There's Ron.
"Be my Valentine."
Mm, big old ginger Glen and Ted.
Mirrors, I need me some mirrors.
Ooh.
Heavy.
Oh.
Whoa.
Ooh!
Ah.
Uh...
Mm.
Can I have a Diet Coke and a
packet of Scampi Fries, please?
Well, you could if
I wasn't closing.
All right, Ron?
Garrett.
Well, what the hell happened to you?
You look like shit.
Charming. Thanks very much.
You got a customer complaints
department here at, er, El Corazn?
Oh, hang on, I'll
get a form for you.
There it is.
How did you find me?
Internet.
- Fucking internet.
- Internet.
Oh, yeah, how have you been?
Have you been all right? You good?
It looks nice in here.
OK, I think that is us
all caught up, then.
- What do you want from me, Garrett?
- Nothing. Just passing.
Wondered if you were
still teaching.
Oh, right, OK, just 'cause
I'm looking for a lesson.
- Are you taking the piss?
- No.
No, I'm not. I just want a
lesson, blow away the cobwebs.
- What do you reckon?
- I reckon salsa's for pussies.
- Isn't that what you said?
- Did I?
Oh, yeah, you did.
I don't really remember that,
'cause I was just a kid.
- And what are you now?
- I'm a man.
Oh, you think so, do you?
Pretty certain.
Hot in here, isn't it?
We'll see. Tomorrow
night, 7:00 pm sharp.
Five quid on the door and I want
to see you in 1% inch heels.
Brilliant. Great, all right.
Thank you, Ron.
- Mr Parfitt.
- Thank you, Mr Parfitt.
Hey, where are we on
the Scampi Fries?
- Piss off.
- I'll see you tomorrow.
Come here, my babies.
Come to Daddy.
Oh, there you are.
- Thank you.
- One, thank you.
Rubber sole. Old school.
A shit load of kudos
to you, my friend.
Personally, as a person,
I love the suede sole.
I'm a suede head. People, they say,
"No, you have to be rubber sole."
I'm like, "No, I love the suede.
I love the suede. I love the suede."
Don't you love the suede?
I tell you what. Take a look at this.
If you see here, if you
see where my sole is...
Come on, gather around. Come on.
I see what kind of a
sole you are, asshole.
- Hey, don't...
- How are you today, guys?
Spread out a little bit.
Make sure you can see me.
Everybody OK, yeah?
Oh, we've got a new
student with us tonight.
Welcome to El Corazn.
What's your name?
It's fine. Don't worry about names.
I'm just passing through so...
- Sure, no problem.
- Thank you.
Let's pick up where we
left off yesterday, OK?
Basic step, everyone. Ready?
And one, two, three,
five, six, seven and...
- Sorry
- Yes?
I think I'm in the wrong class.
- Right.
- Where's Mr Parfitt?
- He's in his office, OK?
- OK.
All right, let's carry on.
Ready and...
What's he, um... Sorry.
What's he doing in there?
- I don't know.
- Fine, all right.
- I'm sorry. Crack on.
- That's all right.
- We will, thank you.
- Do your basics.
Thank you very much. Here we go.
Ready and one, two, three.
Hello?
- Hey. Are you not teaching me?
- I said I ran a class.
- Didn't say I taught one.
- Ron, please.
It's baby stuff out there.
Just one quick freshener.
Oh, I see.
OK.
I think we've done...
One private lesson.
How much do you want?
40 for an hour?
Oh, that's what you think.
You think I sit back here
waiting for someone to come
in and open their wallet?
Yeah, what are you waiting for?
Alicia.
- Hello.
- This is Bruce Garrett.
- Take him out for a quick spin.
- No.
Road test him.
Alicia teaches our advanced class,
2007 world champion,
dances cabaret style.
Oh, yes, yes.
You do know cabaret style, yeah?
Sorry, do I... You ask
if I know cabaret style?
Do you want to get warm?
You should, although you
look quite warm as it is.
I hear about you.
- Ah.
- The boy with fire in his heels.
Well, that's a long time ago.
Aw.
- You're in my yard now.
- Mm?
Oh, crikey.
Shh-ah.
Ah, cha.
- Ya.
- Rumba!
Ow!
Ow!
Ow!
Please.
Stop it.
Ooh.
Welcome back.
That's lesson one, son.
Thank you.
All right, dump truck.
Have you seen what
she's wearing today?
- Who?
- The big boss, yeah.
She's got her green number on.
Isn't that nice?
She's trying to tell me something,
you know what I mean?
She's trying to tell me something.
I'm going to leave a stink on her
that she will never get off.
I'm going to be on her like
bonfire smell, you know I mean?
She's going to be in the
shower changing her clothes.
She's going to be like,
"OMG, I can still smell him."
That's right, Julia. Get used to it.
I'm in your pores.
You're disgusting.
I think it's so cute when
you've got a little crush.
You get a little crush and you
get so disgusted. Listen.
Women like that use guys like you
to get advice about men like me.
It's empty.
Are you kidding me?
Argh!
Ah! Oh...
Oh, God.
Oh, my God. Oh, God.
- Oh, my God, are you OK?
- Yeah.
- Somebody call an ambulance!
- Really, no, I'm fine.
Don't move. Don't move. Don't move.
Don't move. Don't move.
In for two, out for two. Slow down.
- Was there a pastry in this bag?
- Yeah, I had an iced bun.
I was driving...
and then, all of a sudden, my tape
deck wasn't working and then bang!
All of a sudden you were on the hood
of my car. I thought I'd killed you.
Listen, don't worry. I'm fine.
OK. OK, you're OK.
- Yeah. We're OK.
- I'm OK.
You're alive!
I mean, I hit you with my car,
the least I could do is
give you a ride home.
Don't worry about it.
It's only a little car, isn't it?
Oh, my God.
Are you going to sue me?
No! No, gosh, no. Good
Lord, I'd never sue.
You know we're not... As a society,
we're not really big
suers, you know?
We don't... We don't do it.
God, you're rambling. Are you OK?
- Yeah.
- Are you sure?
- No, I'm fine.
- OK, what's my name?
- Do you remember my name?
- Julio.
Oh, there's the culprit.
- Oh.
- The cassette of death.
La casete de muerte.
Ah, Tito Puente, Willie
Coln, Ray Barretto.
Oh, yes, let's just put that
somewhere else far, far away.
It's uh...
I salsa, OK? I'm into salsa.
In fact, I was on my
way to salsa class,
which is why I was willing
to kill a man to get there,
so that's how much I like salsa.
All right, so you've
entered total shock.
Are you in a state of shock now?
I... I salsa.
Ah.
Right, sure you do.
Wow, now I'm really worried
about you. Are you OK?
Did Helen tell you about
the, uh, bowling?
'Cause we're going to do this
whole bowling-bonding thing
if you want to come.
Uh, yeah. Yeah,
definitely. Definitely.
I like bowling. I was...
I was born to bowl, really.
Born to bowl, wow.
That's a big statement.
One more time and...
One, two, three, five, six, seven.
Let's try that one more time.
Ready and one...
Oh, you, whatever your name is.
My name is Bruce Garrett and
I'm here to learn salsa.
Well, very nice to meet you, Bruce.
We're walking through some basics.
Ready and one, two, three,
to the side, six, seven.
Forward and turn. Back and shimmy.
One more time and...
one, two, three, five, six, seven.
Forward and turn, back and shimmy.
Nice one, Bruce.
Let's try that again. Ready
and five, six, seven, go!
Turn! Shimmy!
One more time.
Yeah, thank you.
Well done, everyone. Muy bien.
See you next week. Thank you
very much, guys. Thank you.
Woo.
Ah.
- I love this.
- Hey.
I just wanted to say sorry
for being rude to you.
Yes, you were.
You were very rude to me.
You were kind of a pig to
me, actually, a rude pig.
I'm kidding with you. God!
My name is Bejan, nice to meet you.
- I'm Bruce.
- Bruce, hi.
Bejan is actually my middle name.
My full name is Ali
Reza Bejan Ahmadzadeh.
Wow, a bit of a mouthful, innit?
Yes. Bejan means hero.
- Ah, that's nice.
- What does Bruce mean?
Uh, Bruce, I think it comes from the
old Saxon meaning bush or hedge.
Mm.
We're all hitting the
club if you want to...
- Oh, right.
- Boteco. It's hot shit.
The dance floor, fully programmable
LED ester and black glass.
- Wow. Semi-sprung?
- Yes, please.
Mm, it would be like
dancing on a glass pillow.
- You want to come? Take my number.
- I don't know.
- You don't want to take my number?
- Not your number.
You don't have to take my
number if you don't want it.
I can walk in the other direction.
Plenty of other people to speak to.
I'm sure one of them
want my number.
- I didn't mean that.
- I'm fucking with you again!
Get a sense of humour,
for God's sake! Wait there.
I'm going to give you
my direct number, OK?
You call me on this any time
between 5:30 and quarter to six.
That's a.m. I'm a morning person.
Thank you.
- I tracked down Ron Parfitt.
- Oh, my God. What's he like?
Exactly the same. Just a
horrible, grumpy, old bastard.
Holy shit, Bruce. This is huge.
Is this for her?
"Is this for her?"
Yes, it's for her.
I'm thinking about asking
her to maybe dance with me.
That sounds good, so
what happens next?
- I'm just going go ask her.
- Wrong.
No, no, no. You don't go straight
in with a big romantic gesture
until you've done the groundwork.
She's like a blank wall, Bruce.
Firstly, you have to
apply the primer,
then the undercoat and then
you go in with the emulsion.
What kind of wall?
It might not need primer.
I'm serious, Bruce.
You can't go and ask her out
until you've done the undercoat.
Fantastic, that's just tremendous.
Hey, Bruce.
- Hey.
- Oh, hey, man.
You look nice, but you know what?
I'm already, er, sorted
with a phone plan.
Bruce, you need your shoes otherwise
you're gonna miss out on this frame.
- Good luck.
- All right, here we go.
Phone shop.
- Oh.
- Oh.
Here comes the dirty thunder.
Oh, the Gaelic gale.
- Huh? I hit seven, I think.
- Move over.
Oh.
- Never mind.
- Pump it up.
Amazing. Ah.
Can I just give you a little bit
of constructive feedback?
- Yeah, please do.
- Oh, yeah.
Well, uh, I've noticed a
little flaw in your game.
OK, listen, I think I know
what you're going to say.
This probably is about me
continually rolling the balls into
the recess gutters, isn't it?
- Yes, it is.
- Yeah. I think...
I think it's the only weakness
in my game, you know?
It is. It is the only weakness,
but, uh, it's a pretty major one.
- Yeah, it's a biggy.
- So let's deal with it.
Here, I'll show you. Come on.
Oh! Sumba, bunga, wunga!
Did you see that?
So you put your
fingers in the holes.
No. No, no, no, no.
No innuendo, OK?
The first rule of bowling is
there's holes and there's balls
and we're all adults.
We just have to get over it.
- Let's bowl.
- Yup.
Hold your ball like a baby.
- Throw it like a rocket.
- Yup.
Hold it like a baby.
Throw it like a rocket, yeah?
Yeah.
Hold it like a baby and then
I throw it like a rocket.
I hold it like a baby and then
I throw it like a rocket.
Hold it like a baby and then
I throw it like a rocket.
Sorry. Sorry.
I'm calling social services.
You're calling social services?
Why? Has he been within
100 metres of a school?
- You're up, Jules.
- Oh.
Go on, Julio, if that's your name.
Listen, you just focus on
your baby rocket big shot.
Yeah.
All right. Let's do this.
Come on, baby ball.
- I just need one strike.
- Oh, wow.
Have you seen the pants
on that guy over there?
- Go on.
- Here we go.
Did you end up keeping the shoes
or you gave them back or...?
- No, I gave them back.
- I thought they really suited you.
Ah, do you mind if I
just put my seat back?
- Oh, there's not much room here.
- It's just I've got such long legs.
Oh! That's better.
Bruce, we'll drop you off first.
All that exercise, you must be exhausted.
- Bye, Bruce.
- See you later, Brucie.
Loving the pad. Let's
get this party started.
Bruce!
Bruce!
- Bruce!
- Hey, shut up.
My God, I thought it was number 4
and then I thought it's number 14
and then I thought it was
number 40 and then I went to 14
and then I went to 40,
but there isn't a 40.
- How are you doing?
- I'm good. Hello.
- One more for me.
- You want a drink?
- Do you have any Fanta?
- I do not.
That's a shame, because I do!
Ooh. Wow. I'll get glasses.
No, no, no, it's not a wedding.
You drink from the bottle.
- Erm... thank you.
- Mm-hmm.
- Salamati.
- Ah, salamati
- Mm.
- Mm. Urgh, it's flat.
It's not flat. It's still.
It's still Fanta.
- They don't do still Fanta.
- They don't do still Fanta.
I have to make my own. You just open
the bottle. Put it on the balcony.
Two days later, boom, shake
the room, yes please.
- Ha.
- Mm.
Are you ready?
Do you want to go? Let's go.
You're going like this?
Yeah. What's the matter with this?
Well...
everything
What are these?
- Shirts.
- Polyester mix?
I'm thinking 50% polyester,
20% Crimplene, 5% wool, yes?
- Sure.
- It's bullshit.
Silk, smart, casual, breathable.
Yes, please.
Cotton, soaks up
sweat like a sponge.
Vest up, my friend.
Linen, flyweight for quicker
movements, show off those turns.
Synthetic, less friction
means fewer blisters.
Unless you like blister. Do you
like blister? Who likes blister?
- Pilgrims.
- Exactly.
Who's that?
Can you hold that a second?
What's going on?
Not taking my calls?
- Just busy. I've been busy at work.
- Three words. The Velvet Pussycat.
- What, now?
- Yeah, come on. Get changed.
- It's a Tuesday night.
- Yeah, exactly.
Bruce, do you have any
idea how hard I've worked
- to get Amanda to take up a hobby.
- Mm.
I've been masterminding Project
Pilates for six months.
Why do you think that is?
Two whole hours of freedom,
8:30 to 10:30, once a week.
What do you think I'm going to do
with that time, sit indoors wanking?
I can do that when she's at home.
I'm just... I'm bushed, you know?
I'm just going to have a
bath and hit the hay.
A bath?
Oh, that's nice. Will it have
nice little bubbles in it?
- Who are you talking to?
- Eh? Who's this?
Hi. My name is Bejan.
Pleased to meet you.
- It's a mate from work.
- Mate? Oh, my God. I'm honoured.
- All right.
- It's a big, big moment for me.
Well, I'll leave you to your bath.
We weren't having a group.
We weren't going to do group.
He was going to go and I was going
to have a bath. Please don't. Don't.
Don't worry. It's fine.
I'll er... I'll go by myself.
- I'll give you a call later, yeah?
- Yeah.
Bye, Gary!
He's cute.
Two more things, your
hairy chest and a tan.
- No, no, no.
- Yes, yes, yes, yes.
- No, no.
- Bruce, what year is this?
Did we just go back in time?
Did we step out of the De Lorean?
Are we in 1985?
Is this Hill Valley?
Think McFly! Think!
- Ow.
- Sorry, I just wanted to...
So take this...
- and take this.
- Fine.
You've got ten minutes.
Run for it, Marty!
Ah. Oh.
Wow. It's so deep.
So natural.
How do you feel?
Thank you.
And on the 7th day, the Almighty
turned to his followers and said...
- What does that mean?
- Let's salsa.
- Oh. He's grinding her batty.
- Yeah, he is.
Yeah!
Oh, look. Look.
- That looks fun.
- Oh my God. They make me feel sick.
Salsa aerobics?
It's not a salsa. It is a cancer.
Go back to the leisure
centre, you bitches!
- If I had a grenade right now...
- Shut up.
- I was just saying...
- A Middle Eastern man
talking about a grenade
in a packed night club.
- You'll start a bloody stampede.
- I'm saying if I had a grenade.
- Of course I don't have a grenade.
- Shush.
- Another Fanta.
- Let's have another Fanta.
- Hi, guys.
- Hey!
- So who's dancing?
- Oh, yes, please.
- Bruce.
- No, I'm going to sit this one out.
- I don't think so. Come on.
- Oh, please.
- Hi, Ron.
- Hey, are you all right?
Off. Off. Off.
What?
Get off this fucking dance floor
with your shitty dancing.
- I was doing the steps.
- Doing the steps?
Any prick can do the steps.
That prick can do the steps.
Where's the fucking heart?
Where's el corazn?
- I don't know.
- What's that?
- I don't know.
- You don't know.
Well, in that case, why don't
you piss off back to the bar,
grab yourself a pint of bitter and
watch like all the fucking losers?
Don't.
Scrub it off of me.
This filthy tan.
- Big news, ball bag.
- What?
Shift. When you were at home last
night making love to your hand,
guess who went disco dancing with
the sexually-frustrated lady boss.
- Who?
- Me. I did.
- Yeah, got that.
- Oh, my God. She can move.
And the sweat dripping off of her,
it was like a waterfall
of babies' tears.
Mm, poetic.
Ah, I think we all know
where this is headed.
Inside of her.
- You know what I mean?
- Yeah.
- Why are you telling me all this?
- Don't be a virgin.
- I know you made a play for her.
- No, I didn't.
A mix tape? Are you
fucking John Cusack now?
You took it.
I didn't want you to be embarrassed.
She'd laugh in your face.
I made it for her car.
- Just give me it, will you?
- Your big arms are too slow.
- Hey, guys.
- Hey, Jules.
- How's it going?
- Really good. Really good.
Last night was fun, right?
- So much fun.
- Yeah, it was good.
Helen was obviously trying
to hustle us all, but...
Yeah, it was a good night.
How are your little footsies?
- You know what? Pretty sore.
- I'll bet they are.
We, uh, stopped off at a
club on the way home.
That's right.
I'm going to go.
I've got things to do.
- See you later, Brucie.
- Bye, Bruce.
Drew! Ow!
Oh, shit.
Oh, shit. Oh.
- Are you all right?
- Yeah, just having a manicure.
- This came. Will you sign for it?
- Sure.
Can you... Sorry.
- Thank you. Cheers.
- Thanks.
Can I, um...
Oh, this is bad.
Help.
- That was so fun.
- Yeah.
- We should do it again.
- Yeah, maybe.
What's erm... What's with the tape?
Oh, shoot.
You caught me.
Er, it's for your car.
Oh, my God. You made an inlay.
Yes, I did.
Nobody makes inlays anymore.
Yeah, it's just a silly, little
touch I thought you'd like.
That's really...
That's really nice.
Now I feel like I have
to get you something.
That would be so cute.
That's really nice. Thank you.
- How was your bubble bath?
- Ha-ha!
- Was it rejuvenating?
- That's classic, Gary, classic.
Listen, I love the craic.
One might say I'm
addicted to the craic,
but right now I just
want to get my head down
and plough my way through this
bucket of balls, all right?
Yeah?
I think we've got a new heading
for our weekly roundup.
Unexplained homoerotic encounters
with rugged foreign males. Mickey?
- Nil.
- Me, nil. Brucie?
Ah, fuck the weekly roundup.
Fuck it.
Oh, dear. What's wrong with her?
Come on, Bruce. Who was he?
- What are you hiding from us?
- Nothing.
Aw.
Did the sexy sultan's rich bath
milk irritate your sensitive skin?
- Fuck off.
- Oh!
Hey, are you all right, Gary? Gary?
- I'm sorry. Are you OK?
- Yeah, fine mate.
- Yeah, forget about it.
- Hey, hey, hey. Don't go.
Yeah, this is the one, the
trusty arsehole wedge.
Hey, hey. Don't... Gary, don't...
Stop it. Stop. Oh! Gary! Oh!
Gary, don't!
- You keep running!
- Gary!
- Right.
- Help me!
Par three!
- Argh!
- Or should I say par arsehole!
I didn't mean to hit
you, Gary! Please!
Keep running!
Ah!
Oh! Oi!
- Stop it!
- Ah!
Argh! Oi!
- I dance!
- Fore!
I dance, all right?
Please stop hitting balls at me.
Wee!
Salsa?
- With the little shoes?
- Yes.
Yes, salsa with the little shoes.
Why?
I was doing it for that girl.
- What girl?
- The... the butterfly.
The eponymous butterfly
from the "Tale of the
Butterfly and the Parsnip".
- The parsnip, the butterfly.
- Oh.
What, you thought the parsnip
would win the butterfly
by doing a bit of
tiny shoe shuffle?
Yes. I know. It's stupid, isn't it?
And then there's Drew.
Do you remember Drew?
Oh, yes, that horse's arse.
Yeah. Well, he likes her, too.
He might be a horse's arse, but he's
better at all this than I am so...
I might just let him
get on with it.
Yeah, mate, just...
It's probably for the best.
Just... just forget about her, eh?
He's back.
Jesus Christ, Ron.
You fuckin' made me jump.
Who is she, Bruce?
Mm?
The girl in the club the other
night, she's the one, hm?
- It doesn't matter.
- No, of course, it doesn't matter.
That's why you've got a
face like a dropped scone.
It's just stupid. I wanted to
make her fall in love with me.
Mm... and then along comes this other
fella... tall, better looking...
Let's face it. His dick
couldn't be any smaller.
That's why you came back.
La doa, the woman.
It's salsa, Ron.
- It's always about a woman.
- Mm-hmm.
I just wanted you to make
me good enough for her.
Why don't you just keep standing
in front of that mirror
and do what you did in the
club the other night?
- Do me a favour and do that.
- What?
Oh, come on. You know
what you did. You felt it.
- You want me to do it now?
- Come on. It's just us girls, Brucie.
I don't want to.
- Oh, he bottles it.
- Bottles?
What a surprise.
- Where are you going?
- Come on. We got work to do.
What kind of work?
We're going to get shit-faced
and play board games.
- Eye piece for one eye?
- Monocle.
Mm.
Sorry, why are we doing this again?
- Sits on top of a Christmas tree?
- A fairy.
No, a star.
- That's time.
- Oh, all right.
- That's for you.
- Go.
OK, they ate this much to God's
annoyance in the Garden of Eden.
- Apple.
- Apple is correct.
Oh, OK, he... Um, he's a an actor.
- He does films.
- It's a purple one.
- Yeah and?
- You have to do an impression.
I'm not doing an impression.
- Well, you have to.
- No.
- Do the impression, Bruce.
- No, I can't.
- Just do the impression.
- No, I'm not doing an impression.
- What are you so scared of, eh?
- I'm not.
- Just do the impression, then.
- No, I'm not doing...
Why are you so afraid of
what people might think?
Why can't you put
yourself out there?
- I mean...
- So do the impression.
- It's almost time.
- Do the impression.
- That's it. Time.
- Do the fucking impression!
- Why are you always shouting at me?
- Because you fucking quit on me.
- I did not quit.
- You had the world at your feet.
- I did not quit.
- And you walked away, didn't you?
- No, I didn't.
- Oh, yes, you did.
You keep swanning back in
here and swanning out again.
- Swanning back in...
- They broke me. All right?
If you want to know, the night of
the competition, they broke me.
A gang of kids, bullies, they just...
they broke it out of me.
- I didn't want to do it anymore!
- Some big boys gave you a shoeing.
You're a male dancer.
Do you think I never took any shit?
So what are you going
to do about it, eh?
Are you going to hide away,
or maybe crawl under your duvet
and watch "Bridget Jones Part
Two" with some white Maltesers?
Don't.
Then what?
- Then what?
- I don't know!
So do the fucking impression!
- Say hello to my little friend.
- Again.
- Say hello to my little...
- Again!
- Say hello to my...
- Again!
Say hello to my little friend!
- Al Pa-fucking-cino
- Yes!
So... shall we go and dance
in front of the mirror?
Yeah.
Yes. That is time.
Get the shoulders. Loosen up.
That's it. Loosen up.
Roll those shoulders. Roll them.
Roll them. Roll them.
Arms of an eagle.
I said an eagle, not
a fucking heron.
It is an eagle.
OK, try again. Legs of a stallion.
Arms of an eagle.
Go.
That's it. Work it out, Brucie.
Go on, Garrett.
Takes a lot of hard work
to make it look that easy.
- Mm.
- All right.
Think about it all the time.
Now, I know you're all waiting
for this particular model,
but as we say, better
lathe than never.
All right, so...
One, two, three, four...
- What is that?
- What?
- That's chicken stuff.
- It's reggaeton.
- Three, two, one and down.
- Ow!
- You all right?
- Ow.
I'm so sorry. Someone's coming.
Whoa, whoa! Room for a small one?
I have a question for you.
Well, I love questions.
So you like Latin music, huh?
- The mix tape.
- Oh, right, the mix, yes.
Oh, I am a Latino boy big
time, I am, music wise.
Thanks for listening to that.
It was a real labour of love for me.
That track at the end
of side one, oh...
Oh, shoot, that's the...
That's my favourite track.
- Isn't it just so er... tracky?
- It's so...
And, er, it's the best song that you
could put at the end of side one
- on a mix tape, like that.
- Yeah, yeah.
You know what's weird is
whenever I listen to that track,
I like to imagine myself just
lying in front of a log fire,
just with a glass of... tequila,
just chewing on a
chimichanga, you know?
Oh, hey.
That pitch that you and Bruce did,
you guys aced it, bam, sold.
Shut the front door.
You're kidding.
Stop that train. No, I'm not.
I'm not.
We should get together
and celebrate.
- Yes, we should.
- My place.
- Yes.
- Take-out.
- Yes.
- Invite Bruce and Helen.
Yeah.
We should absolutely do that.
- Cool, so you'll tell them.
- Yeah.
- Great.
- Of course. I'll totes tell them.
You can totally trust
me to do that.
That's not a problem.
- Hey. What are you hiding?
- Nothing.
- What are you hiding?
- Behold.
Santa Vito.
What? It's just another
salsa night. So what?
So what? Look at it squashy chops.
It's a competition. Sorry.
Don't you see? This
is your time, Bruce.
This is the Goonie time.
Do you know about the Goonie time?
Of course I know about the Goonie time.
My watch runs on Goonie time.
So then you know that
it's their time up there,
but it's our time down here.
You can do this, Bruce.
You can win this mother-funky
and you can show the world
what you're really made of.
Think about it. What
have we go to lose?
Yeah, I mean, I suppose I could.
Bruce, we Persians have a saying.
- I... I don't really speak Farsi.
- If you want to do something do it.
If you don't want to do it,
don't do it.
I'm going to be late for my
ball wax. I'll call you later.
- Yeah, sure.
- OK, bye.
I can still see you there.
- See you.
- See you later.
Hello. One, two, three,
four, five. Yes.
- You win.
- Finally. Finally.
Now, you know what you get
for first prize, you lucky prick.
- I dread to think.
- You get one of these.
- And there it is.
- And...
two of these.
I just thought you might want an old
pair of shitty shoes from the '80s.
One careful owner.
Thanks, Ron.
You're not going to try and
finger me now, are you?
- You want me to try and finger you?
- You're ready.
You... are free.
I'm going to ask her to
this thing tomorrow night
and I would be honoured if
you would come and watch us.
Ah, I'll have to check my diary.
Thank you.
Look at them.
- They're so soft
- Mm.
Don't... Don't do that.
Come on.
She's not at work today.
'Fine, so do it tomorrow.'
No, I can't. It is tonight, all right?
I have to do it tonight.
In that case, you are
a tiny bit fucked.
Sam, please, I really
need you to just help me.
OK, do exactly as I say
and do not deviate.
You go home, you shower, you
shave, you put on something nice.
I'm thinking powder blue,
shirt not trousers.
Do not put on powder blue trousers.
Then you get a taxi to her house.
Someone will know where she lives.
You knock on her door.
You knock her off her feet
with your confident
suggestion of a night out.
She immediately says yes, then
you whisk her off to the club.
You dance the competition.
You win the competition.
We all get shit-faced,
then we all go home, got it?
Thanks, Sam.
Oh, God, I'm good.
God, it's so busy in here.
I think I'll use this one.
- All right, ball bag.
- Stupid.
Just finishing off a little
text to Julie-Jules.
I told you that she gave me
her mobile number, right?
Yeah, a few times.
Ooh, by the way, thanks
for that mixed tape.
That was a hit.
- You gave it to her?
- Oh, yeah, she bloody loved it.
Thought it was very sweet.
I think I'm going to put it on when
we seal the deal for the first time.
You know, a bit of
sex-muzak, set the mood.
Don't be jealous, big lad.
I'm sure she'll still have room in
her life for a fat best friend.
You don't know about me.
What don't I know?
I dance.
I'm sorry, I thought you
said that "I dance".
Yeah, I did. I dance salsa.
- You dance salsa?
- Yeah, salsa.
I would fucking love to see that.
Maybe you will. Maybe I'll
dance you under the table.
What sort of table?
Any sort of table.
All right, bum flap,
let's settle this like men.
Winner takes Julia.
What about HR?
What happens at lunch
stays at lunch.
Ow!
Your wrists are limp.
- Ooh!
- Your dick is limp.
Oh, sorry.
- You learn fast.
- I learn from the best. Julia.
Sweet, sweet, rest-your-
balls-on-my-chin, Julia.
- Smell that.
- No.
Did you just lick my pussy?
Yeah and you tasted
like a nasty girl.
That's disgusting.
Wanker!
I'm wearing the wrong
shoes for this shit.
- What the fu...
- Coo-ee!
Where are you?
I thought you liked banter.
Oh, fuck off, Bruce. Fuck off.
- Ooh.
- What the... Big mistake.
That's Jessie the lezzie
from accounts' car.
Quick step for such meaty thighs.
Ooh, ooh, do you like that?
- Wait, no, don't lead me!
- Like a lady.
- This is wrong. You know it is.
- Like a lady.
- I'm a man. I'm a fully-grown man.
- Then prove it.
What is that?
- That's my phone.
- No, no.
Huh?
Ooh! Oh, me blades!
Oh!
Whoo!
Like I said, any sort of table.
Fine, you win.
I can't do this every
fucking lunch.
Doesn't mean that she's
going to pick you, Bruce.
She wouldn't pick you over me.
That's just bad maths.
- She's a clever girl.
- Probably right.
You're quite good-looking.
You've got lovely, long legs.
- Yeah.
- Nice car.
- Great car.
- But there is something missing.
I have got something that you don't have.
Do you know what that is?
Type 2 diabetes.
Heart.
Corazn.
You know, I am Bruce Garret
and I am fucking salsa.
Get up, bum flap.
How can you take something so
seriously that's named after a dip?
- Oh, nice shirt.
- Thank you.
- Come in.
- No, wait, wait. Please.
I dance. I dance salsa and there
is this club called Santo Vito...
- Bruce.
- No, please
I can hardly breathe. I'm so nervous.
I'm hyperventilating.
I feel like I can see flies.
- I don't...
- Let me cut to the chase.
If you're not doing anything
tonight, I would love to take...
- Of course.
- Bruce?
- What's wrong, Bruce?
- Of course, this is...
- Bruce...
- I'm sorry.
What do you mean?
No, Bruce, what? Wait. Bruce.
Come back. Bruce?
Where are you go... Oh.
Oh, my... Oh, my God.
What are you doing?
Come on. You know.
I know? What do I know?
Let's say we skip dinner and
go straight to pudding.
Are you kidding?
Yeah. Yeah, totally kidding.
Just focus on putting
your pants back on.
OK, I'm not kidding. Here's the thing.
This is where I'm at.
I just want to be honest with you
because I think you deserve that.
I'm just going to say this.
I'm just going to blurt it
out before I lose my nerve.
- Oh, my God.
- Julia Matthews of America...
I would be honoured if you
would let me fuck you.
- Really?
- I just want to...
I just want to...
I just want to do it.
Oh, my God.
Just get up and just
get out, please.
- What?
- Just get out.
Wait. Is this banter?
I can't believe that
you just dropped trou
and propositioned your boss.
- Did you really just do that?
- It was an act of boldness.
Wait, did you not tell Bruce
about tonight, or Helen?
- Did I tell Bruce and Helen?
- Was this all part of your plan?
I can't... I might have.
I don't think I mentioned it.
All right, this conversation
is definitely over.
Just please take your
little Italian shoes
and your pudding and just get out.
Can I just say I think that
you are making a big mistake?
I'm going to have you transferred
to plastic mouldings on Monday.
Oh, that's bullshit! That's
just a bad managerial...
You know what? FYI I didn't
make that shitty mix tape.
Oh.
I'm sorry, Julia.
I said some things, which
may now seem foolish.
OK, I'm... I'm going to be honest.
My granny died.
I swear to God, Drew, if you're
still there in 15 seconds,
I'm going to take your pudding
and shove it right up your ass.
Uh...
Bruce.
Welcome tonight to the Santa
Vito salsa espectculo. Let's go!
We're about an hour away from
the main competition event.
You like it?
Not really my thing.
How do you know you don't
like it unless you try it?
A lot of things I
haven't tried, mate.
I haven't tried incest, but I'm
pretty sure I wouldn't like it.
Incest and salsa are two very
different things, trust me.
Bruce, call me when you get this.
I want to know you're all right.
- He's not picking up.
- He's probably crying somewhere.
Somewhere quiet and dry.
That's what I would be doing.
I think I know where he is.
- Can I borrow a racket?
- Help yourself.
So how did it go?
I'm wearing a silk shirt studded
with jet-black rhinestones
driving balls out
into the darkness.
How do you think it went?
So now what? Are you
going to stop dancing?
- I was only doing it for her.
- Were you?
So, what, are you going
to give it all up again,
the only thing you're good at?
Literally the only thing
you've ever been good at
that wasn't shit and
totally pointless.
Oh, OK, fine. Here we go.
Just off the top of my head,
quizzes, carving Sunday roasts,
the Rubik's Cube,
the Rubik's Sphere.
The Rubik's Snake,
flags of the world,
driving abroad, famous dams,
identifying dogs by their
silhouettes, you know?
- African money. I could go on.
- You're wasting your life.
What do you know?
You are 35 years old.
And you are working as a hula girl.
Oh, sorry, no, hula woman. Oh!
- Fuck off, Bruce.
- You fuck off.
- Good shot.
- Thanks.
You need to dance, Bruce.
You were lost. This is
your chance to get back.
- I don't have a partner.
- Yeah, you do.
- You?
- I've still got it.
- That's pretty good.
- Mm-hmm.
Remember the old routine?
Don't. Don't do that.
Don't you bloody dare.
Don't evoke it.
Thunder, Thunder,
Thunder, ThunderCats! Ho!
'Yes, please, give it
up for Gaz and Kate.'
Salt and pepper, here
comes the hot stepper.
- All right? All right, Gal?
- Oi, oi.
- Hey, Helen, thanks for coming.
- Fuck me, you look great.
- Where's Ron?
- He was busy. I'm sorry.
Bruce, forget Ron.
You look so good you could
be fucking Bee Gee.
'Oye, look at this.
Me la rebanco.
'Don't ruffle her feathers.'
You have to go.
'Just what I'm talking about.
Let's go through to the next round.
Celebremos. Celebremos. Celebremos.
'Can we please have the couples to
the dance floor for heat four?'
- Are you ready?
- No.
Me neither. Come on. Let's go.
I'm sorry.
Hey!
- Happy?
- Yeah.
Big smile, tits and teeth out.
'Let's go!'
'That's what I'm talking about!'
- Holy shit.
- Wow.
Yes, holy shit.
'Look at this. The feet of fury.'
Hey, adios, my friends.
Ho!
I'm sorry. You have to go.
Time to go.
'Catch her. Have a ball.
In blue, azul.
'We have our semi-finalists here.'
'Amazing!
'Inspirational!'
- OK, I want it back.
- What?
- Come on. Where is it?
- Where's what?
What have you done with it?
Where have you hidden it?
- Is it in this pocket?
- Don't.
- It's in this pocket.
- Don't muck about.
- What have you done with it?
- What?
You took my breath away in
there and I want it back.
Ha-ha! Very funny.
Bruce, when I first met you,
you were like a sangeh ghohi
Mm, sangeh ghohi
What does it mean, sangeh ghohi?
It's like a large round
stone with some shit on it.
But now... you have
become of the age.
You are a man, Bruce.
Yeah.
Yeah, I suppose I am.
And now you have stolen my
heart as well as my breath.
Where do you keep
hiding these things?
- I should get back out there.
- Yes. Yes, you should.
You go, Bruce. Go and kill them
all, man, woman and child.
I'm not going to kill a child.
OK. Go!
Do you have a Tic Tac?
'Musica, maestro!
What about these guys?
'What about these guys?
'Brrr!'
'Hey, now.'
Oh, no, no, no. Get off.
- 'I'm sorry, friends.'
- Let's go.
'Hey, you dig it!
'And here is fanning
the flames of salsa.'
- Ow!
- Let's go!
Let's go!
- Yes!
- Come on, Bruce!
'Double pleasure.
'Wow, that's unexpected.'
You're in my yard now.
'We have our finalists!
We have our finalists.'
Oh, love you, Bruce.
Hey.
- 'Let's hear it. Come on.'
- That's my best mate.
'Wow.'
- Gary, whisky, large.
- You can win this, Bruce.
I haven't got much more left.
- Drink it. Drink it.
- No, I don't want it.
Eye of the tiger, Bruce.
Eye of the tiger!
'Ladies and gentlemen,
the floor is yours.'
Wow.
Yeah, I thought I'd make an effort.
Me and Drew wasn't anything.
That's not anything.
Good.
I just wanted to say thank
you for the mix tape.
It's no big deal, although
the inlay, that took ages.
Great inlay. Excellent penmanship.
- Thank you.
- Really.
Yeah, I used a very fine nib
0.4 mil, it's tiny. It's probably
the width of a human hair.
So I didn't have you down as
a salsa guy. No of fence.
Right, yes.
I was a dancer when I was
a kid and I loved it
and then this shit thing happened
to me and everything changed...
until I met you and
you inspired me,
so I learnt to dance again.
I re-learnt all the old steps.
I tracked down my old teacher,
Ron Parfitt who's just...
He's a horrible,
horrible human being.
I shaved my chest. I went
to some amazing clubs.
I met some amazing
people and now...
finally I feel like me again,
which is what I always wanted.
You know? To... feel like myself.
- You shaved your chest?
- Yeah, I shaved my chest, and...
...it's very itchy, all the time.
'OK, kill the musica,
please, maestro.
'Ladies and gentlemen, let's
go, the Santo Vito final!'
I was wondering
perhaps you would...
Yes, I'll dance with you.
- Hi.
- Hi.
- Do you want me to lead?
- No, no, I'll be all right.
I was actually doing quite
well until you turned up.
Probably be disqualified.
'Hey!
'Yes, friends. Oye, mi amigo.
'This is the final, friends.
'Let them feel you.
Let them feel you.'
'Santa Vito, our winners!'
- I don't think we won.
- Maybe next time.
Fab. That was amazing.
- Hi, I'm Sam.
- Hi, Sam.
Scusi seor Garrett.
Permission to come on
to your dance floor.
Granted, Mr Parfitt.
- Mwah!
- Ah.
'I don't know about you,
but it's time for some love.
'So demonstrate.
Come on. Let's go.'
Hey, good work.
Well done.