Cursed Friends (2022) Movie Script

1
Anastasia.
Anastasia, if you can hear me,
send us a sign.
We have a visitor.
My hair!
Um, what the fuck?
Okay, demon, it's time for...
Ah!
Ah!
Shammy...
Felicem vesperam sanctam!
You bitches are so fucked.
We never should've
played that fucking game!
I want you back
- Oh.
- Oh, watch out!
Move.
Don't get your outfit dirty,
Joshy.
We need it to look good
for the fall lip sync.
You guys, look.
Jeremy Fischbein
is so freaking hot.
That's a sign for fingering.
He totally wants to shag you,
Erica.
Yeah, baby, yeah.
It's N'SYNC.
Hey, Erica.
Your costume is smoshing.
Thanks, Fischbein.
You too.
And cool impression.
Anyway, later.
Yeah, okay, see ya.
That was the sexiest fucking
thing I've ever seen!
Oh, wait,
let's do a dance to celebrate.
- Ooh, yeah.
- Six, seven, eight.
Tell me what to do now
Go Andy, go Andy.
- Yeah.
- Go Andy.
You back
What's this house
dressed as, a nightmare?
Big house, big candy.
I don't know.
It's pretty old...
Too much stone.
And freaky.
Who's gonna do it?
I'll do it, you wimps.
Lame.
I say we peace out
of this biatch...
What's up?
Chillax, homies.
Welcome to my "crib."
Sorry to say
I'm fresh out of sweets.
Th-that's okay.
We should probably
get back to my house anyway.
- Yeah.
- No, no, no!
I can't let you leave
empty-handed...
Not a group like this...
So sweet, so innocent,
so close.
I know!
How 'bout a book?
A book?
Jesus, I wanted Warheads,
not fucking homework.
Happy Halloween.
Get out.
- Oh, hey, I'll trade.
- Yeah.
What is this thing anyway?
"M.A.S.H."
by Stacy Friendship?
It's an activity book.
What does that weirdo think,
we're eight?
Hey, I know "M.A.S.H."
It's that
predict-your-future game.
Ooh, it has a poem.
I wanna read it.
Mansion, apartment,
shack, or house,
predict your job,
predict your spouse.
They key is in
what friendship takes...
Can you predict
when you're gonna die?
Gel pen me.
- Hey, I'm doing my own.
- Oh, I wanna go first!
- Hey!
- No, stop.
Okay, I'm gonna live in
a shack with Jeremy Fischbein.
- Mm.
- And have 100 kids.
I'm gonna live in a mansion.
I'm gonna marry Joey Fatone.
- Oh, you go, girl.
- Oh, Joey.
I'm gonna live in a house.
So I'm gonna live
in an apartment.
And I'm going to
become a cult leader!
- I'm gonna be a pro wrestler.
- I will have a pet snake.
The world record
for the longest nails.
And I will be a gravedigger.
- Yeah.
- I could see that.
And finally,
I'm going to die by...
Hey, stop.
You smudged my board.
Sorry, it's lights out.
Aw.
Nighty night, N'SYNC.
It's okay... I know exactly
what our real futures will be...
BFFs forever.
Core Three for life.
Core Three for life!
Core Three for life!
Core Three?
Learn how to count, morons.
Core Three for life!
Core Three for life!
Core Three for life!
Core Three for life!
Core Three for life!
What'chu doin?
Nothin',
chillin' at the Holiday Inn
- Who you with?
- Me and my peeps
Thought you'd bring
over your friends
- What we gon' do?
- Feel on each other
And sip on some Hen
One thing
leading to another
Let the party begin
What'chu doin'?
Nothin',
chillin' at the Holiday Inn
- Who you with?
- Me and my peeps
Thought you'd bring
over your friends
Hmm.
Hi, welcome to Sub Conscious.
Do you want something?
I can make it.
Rrrrramon can make it.
Sorry I rolled the R.
I know you don't like it.
Ugh.
Candace Nicaragua, I simp
for that cake, you bitch!
You don't even sweat!
Um, yeah, 'cause it's gross.
Yeah,
sweating's for millennials.
Cheugy, sweaty fucks.
Millennials?
Ew!
They, like, remember
where they were during 9/11.
- Ew.
- That's so gross.
You got it, girl.
Low...
Erica Greenspan!
Hi, Phoebe.
Look at you, and not on Zoom!
But still waiting for host
to start meeting.
Welcome to the best coast.
I'm glad you're sitting down.
I really am,
because are you ready for this?
I don't know, am I?
Oh, my God, that's my logo.
- Yeah.
- You like it?
Uh, adore.
That's so great!
Um, this is probably very clear,
but I modeled
the logo on the leaf
of the Brazilian herb
you used...
- Really?
- To give your tea
the sensation of cocaine
without the cocaine.
Well,
that is the Gravi-tea promise.
Cocaine!
It's weird-
I couldn't find
anything about it online,
so I reached out to a South
American horticulturist and...
Whoa, okay.
That's a lot.
Oh, wow, I'm going, like...
For a little green drawing?
- Yeah, I guess I'm a nerd.
- Oh, no.
You've got this,
like, rock star mentality
I feel like
no one else here has.
It's honestly exactly why
I fired the entire
design team on a mass email.
- Oh, wow.
- Yeah, and I had to have you
come here IRL.
In real life.
Hey, uh, Phoebe.
Uh, just circling back
on my idea to swap out
the ping-pong tables
with an axe-throwing station.
Oh, my God, I love it.
- Yeah.
- And you know what else
is a great idea, is, like,
you paying the legal bills
for the unpaid intern
who gets his dick chopped off.
Isn't that fun?
Do it.
Go, make it happen.
That's my cousin, Lenny.
He ate my grandpa's cigarettes
for years.
He's still actually
on the design team.
Well, I hope that you...
And especially, I hope,
your little Brooklyn boyfriend...
Love the sunny weather here,
because I'm feelin' it.
Oh, Ben's here
all the time for work.
He loves it out here
and my family's here
and all my best friends
from growing up.
Oh, my God, you're still
tight with your old crew?
Ugh, the only way I stay in
touch with my high school squad
is through, like,
stupid memes and shit.
Yeah, that's
fucking dumb as shit...
Yeah.
You know what?
We're having a Halloween party
here tomorrow,
and I want you there.
The whole Gravi-is gonna be here...
Might be the perfect
opportunity to officially spill
a little tea
to the rest of the floor.
Oh!
- For fuck's sake, Lenny.
- Spooky season, baby!
I swear to God,
if your mom didn't give us
our seed money,
I'd fucking... I'd kill him.
I'd literally kill him.
I have a plan.
Wait, do you know
who Benicio Del Toro is?
Um, yeah.
I don't.
Why would you bring that up
if you...
Core Three is in the building!
- Hello!
- Oh, my God!
- It's a unicorn!
- It is!
- Oh, my gosh!
- Please, I was here,
like, two years ago for
Izzy's third birthday party.
- Oh, my God, Izzy's now nine.
- Nine.
- Nine.
- What?
That's impossible.
Oh, my gosh.
- Yes.
- That makes my baby five.
Oh, sorry.
I didn't carry a baby
to full-term.
Um, my business,
Andy Leonard Fitness... um,
you've probably heard of it.
Cool!
Uh, yeah, I'm kind of,
like, a brand to the stars.
Of TikTok.
Well, I'm doing
something very special, okay?
So don't, like, water it down.
I'm not watering it.
- No, but don't water it down.
- I'm not watering it down.
- Just say you've heard of it...
- Yeah.
- Just say it's great.
- I don't care about it.
- Stop talking about it.
- Hey, I have a friggin' idea.
You guys wanna get drunk?
- Oh, lemme think about it.
- Let me think...
Um...
Hmm...
both: Yeah.
I wanna be bad
You make that feel so good
I'm losin' all my cool
I'm about
to break the rules
I-I wanna be bad
I wanna be bad with you,
baby
I-I
- Ah.
- Whoo!
Wait, wait, do you guys remember
Senior Lock-In
when it was that magic show,
and then that one kid
mooned everybody,
and he had a playing card
between his ass cheeks?
Oh, my gosh, no.
He was the King of Farts.
What's his name?
It was Letso.
Wait, no, no, no.
I know this one.
I gave him a very dry hand job
at that abandoned summer camp.
Both: Camp Wanabangme!
Oh, my God.
You guys, I freakin' miss this.
Okay, and I don't wanna jinx it,
but I think
after that interview,
you're gonna see
a lot more of me.
Yes, get it, queen.
Fuck yeah,
I knew you'd crush it.
Literally,
I got a prosperity crystal
from my psychic neighbor.
It cost me, like, 1,000 bucks,
and I gave it
a good rubbin' for you.
Oh, guys,
don't look at me like that.
Shamrock is stupid legit, okay?
Just don't Google his name
and the words "Tempe, Arizona."
- Good choices.
- Oh, come on.
- Paul Dudley!
Both: What?
King of Farts
was named Paul Dudley.
Oh, yeah!
Paul Dudley.
Oh, my God!
My parents are in Palm Springs.
- Ooh.
- Don't you guys wanna spend
the night at my house?
It'd be so fun!
Slumbay!
I have extra toothbrushes!
- Oh, don't tell me twice.
- Don't tell me once.
- Boy, oh, boy.
- It's mad chilly.
A vodka a day
keeps the doctor away
Oh, boy.
- Welcome to my home!
- Oh, boy.
Jinkies.
I swear I locked this
before I left.
Okay, Erica, wait.
The manliest person go first,
okay?
- Okay, go.
- That's you.
That's you.
You know it's you.
Oh, no, a tiny knife.
Oh, that's the key.
The key.
Okay.
Oh.
What do we do?
- Vase... the vase.
- Okay.
What do we do now?
- Uh...
- Shit.
Okay.
Oh!
What the hell
you guys doing here?
You scared the shit out of me,
you fucking virgins.
I literally have a child.
I've been fucked.
- Right.
- I'm in town
for a job interview,
and these guys
are spending the night.
What are you doing here
besides Pornhubbing
where Grandma
has Thanksgiving turkey?
Kay, first of all, don't
bring up Grandma when I'm hard.
And second of all,
Mom and Dad didn't tell you
I was living here?
No.
Classic them.
I'm sort of in between spots
at the moment.
Oh, that sucks.
How's everything else, bad too?
No, things are pretty great.
Yeah, I'm just crushing
the vibe, drowning in poonani.
Ugh.
And I got a real sick job
in tech, so...
Tech support.
You work for a cable company.
It's the number one
most-called I.T. department
in the country, baby!
That's not a good thing.
Ah.
Oh, no,
we're scared of the dark.
Erica?
Josh?
Erica, go reset the breaker,
please.
- No, thank you. You do it.
- Please do.
What do you think,
I'm just gonna wrap this up
'cause you're in here?
I'm busy.
Oh, my God.
Okay, I'll do it.
You guys go upstairs.
Don't drop anything else.
I'm sobering up.
- Careful.
- Yeah.
I think someone broke something?
Yeah.
Shoot.
It's just my mom's rack.
You guys!
Look what I found!
Oh, my God, M.A.S.H.
I remember we used to play that!
Okay, oh, my God.
I'm going to be a plumber.
I live in a shack.
I marry Jeremy Fischbein.
- Ew!
- Ew!
And I have 100 kids... no!
- Oh, my God!
- Way to go, Fischbein!
Loose.
Me, me.
Okay, um, I drove a Segway.
Okay.
Uh, my job is,
uh, I'm a cult leader.
- I could see it.
- Yeah.
Yeah, I see that.
And then I married
a Mr. Knight.
Oh, yeah, I remember him.
He was that
creepy geography teacher
who, like, walked all weird.
He really liked you, Andy.
Gimme, gimme, my turn.
Okay, I live in a mansion.
I'm a pro wrestler.
Ooh, the world record
for the longest fingernails!
Okay, oh, my word.
I am married to Joey Fatone.
Ow!
Ooh, I could work with that.
All right, let me see.
Let me see.
- Okay, yeah, sure.
- Okay.
Job... gravedigger.
Pet... snake.
- Okay.
- Death by...
By what?
Shit, there's a smudge.
- What do you mean a smudge?
- How the shit am I gonna die?
You die by smudge.
Give me that thing.
Ooh, there's a poem.
Mansion, apartment,
shack, or house,
predict your job,
predict your spouse.
The key is in
what friendship takes.
Read this poem,
unlock your fates.
- Yeah.
- Ooh...
Stupid!
Shut up.
Happy Hungover Halloween.
Hey, what are you guys
getting into later?
Do you wanna come back here,
hand out candy
with Princess Peach?
- No.
- No.
Candace Nicaragua is going
to this Halloween party,
and she invited me,
and a lot of her influencer
friends are gonna be there,
so she said if I show up,
I could easily get,
like, 10,000 followers.
I can't even
trick-or-treat with Izzy.
I have to send her out
with Arden and Arden's mom
and the rest of the big
little-eyes fuckers at school.
Get out of here!
My Metaverse nightclub
is having a troll orgy...
Third annual trollgy...
But I could probably bot it out
or something.
Why didn't you sleep
in your own room?
It's okay.
When I'm back here,
hopefully for good,
we'll be hanging out
every damn day.
- That's a lot of days.
- Just like old times.
Mm, you silly girl.
You're silly.
So silly, girls.
So silly.
That's not my name
They call me quiet,
but I'm a riot
Mary-Jo-Lisa,
always the same
That's not my name
That's not my name
Hi, babe.
Why did you swap our costumes?
I thought that was you,
not that I hate it.
My nuts are breathing.
Oh, my God,
this is the first time
in my life
I've ever fucked up packing.
Uh-oh.
Something must be wrong.
Wait a second.
What is that behind you?
Is that luggage?
Babe, you ruined the surprise.
If you land this job,
I cannot miss the celebration.
Aw, babe!
Ta-ta-ta-ta...
Don't tell Yoshi.
I don't wanna make this
a whole thing.
Okay, love you.
That's not my name
That's not my name
That's not my name
They call me hell
They call me Stacey
They call me her
Wow.
Wow.
Wow.
What's good, fit fam?
It's me, Ari.
Just kidding.
It's Andy.
Andy Leonard
from #AndyLeonardMethod.
So okay, I see some
of you are already dipping out.
That's cool.
"Thank u, next."
But anyways,
it's a hot-ass Halloween,
so I figured we'd cool down
by answering some
of your questions.
So just take a sec...
No!
No, no, no, no, no!
Oh, my God.
Oh, my God. Oh, my God.
I'm still leasing this,
you stupid fuck!
No.
Oh, my God.
Oh, my God, I'm sorry.
Sorry because I feel bad,
not because I did anything.
Just wanna make sure.
Oh, yeah
Graham,
I have reset your password.
Now save it to your keychain
and gargle my balls.
Go ahead and delete that.
You know who we are
All right, I'm back,
ya fuckin' racists.
Let's head on down
to Clown Town.
Oh, shit.
Ms. Monroe.
We meet again.
Sorry, um...
Did I... is this I.T.?
Uh, yeah. Yeah. Uh, yeah, no.
It's, uh... it's Josh Greenspan.
I'm the one
that set up your work account
a year ago.
Remember?
I don't. Anyway,
my thing isn't letting me in.
Something about a firew...
What?
Hello? Hello? Haley?
Haley? Ah, you're breaking up!
Haley! All right, hold on.
I got really bad service
in my bedr...
My, uh, my corner office.
- I'll just call someone else.
- No, no, no, no! No, no, no!
I'll save you! I'll save...
Are you okay?
I heard a noise.
No, yeah, no, it's...
it's all Gucci here.
So have you tried to...
unplug your device
and plug it back in?
Whew. Windy.
Ramon, you have to charge
for extra zesty sauce.
'Cause...
It's windy.
Mr. Loverman, Shabba
I got this one, Ramon.
Hi.
I'm Joey.
Hi, I'm Malala.
Mikayla. Mikayla.
Well, Mikayla, nice to meet you.
Cool sexy werewolf costume.
Oh.
It's just... just a werewolf.
Agree to disagree.
How's your spicy Italian?
Meaty. Thick.
Wet?
- It could be.
- You know what?
I'd like a 12-incher
packed with salami.
- Pack it?
- Yeah, pack it.
- Yeah.
- How tight do you want it?
Oh, very tight.
I like a lot of mayo.
Just tell me when to stop.
Shabba
Keep going.
Shabba, Shabba, Shabba
Daddy like.
Actually,
tonight at La Casa Fatone,
it's gonna be a graveyard
smash if you're interested.
Shabba, Shabba
I take that as a "yes"?
Oh, it's a big old yes.
- Now give it to me.
- Oh, yeah.
I'll give it to you.
Every hour, every minute
Every hour, every minute,
and every second
Dem call me Mr. Loverman,
dem call me Mr. Lover
It's Halloween
Wanna hear bone-chilling?
One time
I saw a rat eat a pigeon.
I'm gonna be very excited
to move back here.
Howdy, howdy, everyone.
So I have
a pretty big announcement,
one that has been
a long time coming:
the all-in-one
Theranos blood test.
But in all seriousness,
you guys,
as many as you know,
we have been in search
of a new SVP of Design
for some time now,
and I'm happy to say,
the search is over.
And although
we're still technically waiting
on FDA approval...
Before we completely fucking
disrupt Big Caffeine...
- Whoo.
- The wait is over.
I have the first cans
right here,
complete with art
from our little genius.
So without further ado,
stop hiding behind that mustache
and you come on down here,
Lenny Webber!
Both: What?
Oh, cuz, I am beyond flattered.
But unfortunately,
I can't accept,
What?
Not!
I accept, I accept.
High five!
I love that.
He's good. You're funny.
Oh, Erica.
Hey, here. Take a can.
It's gonna be so perfect
for all those late nights
freelancing.
It's literally cocaine.
I'm kidding.
Am I? I don't know.
Let's party.
I'm a boss! Let's party!
You are not gonna believe
this shit.
I made a sub for Joey Fatone.
- What?
- Joey Fatone.
Aka Joey Fat One,
aka Superman,
aka the third, arguably second,
most famous member of N'SYNC.
Ah, motherfucking trucker butt.
Erica?
He invited me to a party
at his house.
I am so turned on at work.
I might have to masty
in the utility closet.
That is 100% a fireable offense.
Not if you're the Bread Boss.
Now what shit were you about
to tell me?
I could've been a rockstar
Gravi-teabagger,
but guess what?
The system is fucking rigged.
And it's always going
to favor nepotism babies
like Cousin Lenny,
who probably doesn't
even know how
to put together
a well-paced PowerPoint.
Aw, I'm so sorry, dude.
That sucks.
Huh.
- What?
It's probably nothing,
but this shit that happened
today is kinda weird, isn't it?
I mean, we found
that M.A.S.H. game last night.
Today, Andy's car
got all jacked up.
You missed out on a job
that was just, like, on lock.
My fucking parents' toilet's
broken!
Wait.
Are you plunging?
No.
Yes.
Because that would be
very plumber of you.
I am not gonna be
a fucking plumber!
I graduated with an MFA
from RISD.
Whoa, how big of a doo-doo
did you take, Pooper Mario?
No, it was one wipe,
you dipshit.
Yeah, for a ten-pound doo-doo?
You gotta take a look
at the tank
or else we're gonna have
to snake the drain.
Classic Erica.
Fuck.
Oh!
Don't move.
Oh! Oh, God!
Oh, God!
Drop! Drop and roll!
Drop, drop, and roll!
That isn't a snake, is it?
- Play dead! Play dead!
- Aah!
- I don't wanna help you!
- Fuck you!
Oh, my God. Oh, my God.
Don't worry, babe.
Don't worry.
Izzy and I, we watch
animal shows all the time.
In the event
that the snake is poisonous,
you just have
to suck the venom out.
- What?
- I don't wanna say this,
but Joshy?
Yeah?
You better start sucking
your sister.
Oh, fuck. Just fuckin' do it.
Uh, okay.
What are you doing?
Have you never given
a fucking hickey before?
I've given several hickeys,
and they've all posted
on Facebook
how much they liked it, so...
Doesn't fuckin' seem like it.
Oh, my...
Just relax.
Don't relax...
Congratulations, Ramon.
Dreams do come true.
You have made it
to regional manager.
I am marrying Joey Fatone.
We have to end this game.
Why don't we get you going,
girl?
We gonna get
that body-ody-ody ready
for the potty-watty-watty.
And if your boyfriend's
gonna come,
I want him to go full goblin
on that ass.
Okay, I'm talking uhuhuhuh.
- Andy!
- Um, so anyways,
these influencer friends
of yours...
Get that ass.
Andy.
Um, you're friends
with the werewolf?
Yes, ma'am.
Sherman Oaks High. Class of...
2018! It's when I graduated!
2018. Whoo!
That's when she came
to my graduation.
- Oh.
- Oh, yeah. She's so old.
Hi, Miss Mikayla.
Oh, ow!
My wisdom tooth's coming in
'cause I'm so young.
Girl, why don't you keep doing
that, okay?
Okay.
- Uh, I'll be right back.
- Okay.
Hey, what are you doing here?
Andy, some shit is going down
at Erica's.
It's like 9/11 bad.
9/11!
I don't even know what that is.
- Yes, you do.
- Ew.
No one knows what...
Get the fuck in the car!
Come on!
- I'll walk you to your car.
- Bye-bye.
Well, Andy just left me again.
He's helping some old lady.
Let's go, Miss Mikayla.
- Let's go. Don't touch me.
- Aww.
Oh, someone's.
Both: Whoa!
Jesus.
- Okay, he's all yours.
- Well, we can share it.
Nope, no, thank you.
Guys, there's a fucking snake
here.
Yep, real fucking snake.
Erica, please clarify something.
This stupid bitch
did not make Joey Fatone
a chicken teriyaki
submarine sandwich.
Actually,
I made him a spicy Italian
with extra meat and extra cum.
Erica,
did you find Fischbein yet?
Why would she need
to find Fischbein?
Ohh, right.
Because Fischbein's
your future husband.
Right.
I can't find him anywhere.
He's not on Instagram.
He's not on Twitter.
He's not on Linkedln.
What the fuck is that?
Ugh, he's giving me
real serial killer vibes.
Holy shit!
Aah! Oh, my God.
Am I gonna be
a world-record holder?
Oh, please.
They're clearly press-ons.
Ow, Andy! I grew them myself!
That fucking hurt!
What?
What the hell is this smudge?
What?
My death. Smudged.
Eighth-grade Josh,
he was a wild man.
I mean, this could be anything.
Right?
It could be a serial killer.
It could be an anvil falling
on my head.
It could be Topanga Lawrence
spitting in my mouth
till I asphyxiate,
which is actually kinda tight.
- Ugh.
- I'm fucked!
Well, I don't have time
for this today, okay?
I do not have time
for this today.
Today? Okay.
What about the rest
of our fucking lives?
I didn't spend my youth
snorting bricks
of ADD meds
and taking up $200,000
in student loans just
to become a plumber
with Jeremy Fischbein
in a shack with 100 kids!
Right now,
my shit's tight, okay?
It's like a sweet little peach,
and I don't want it
all splayed out,
flapping willy-nilly.
That peach is a cobbler, girl.
At least you're gonna live
long enough to have sex.
- What?
- Kids! To have kids.
So you can have sex
to have kids.
You said...
I still had so much poon
to smash.
- Ew, ew, ew.
- Talking about your poon.
Ugh, gross. Okay.
You know what, you guys?
I'm gonna fix this because I am
A+ Erica fucking Greenspan,
and I fix everything, okay?
Except toilets.
Yet.
Will someone just burn the
fuckin' M.A.S.H. book already?
It's like horror film 101,
right?
Just burn it!
Burn it.
Is that true? I don't really
watch horror films.
I mostly watch documentaries.
- Oh, shut the fuck up, Erica.
- Okay, all right.
Well, how's everyone feelin'?
Oh, my gosh, like, so cleansed.
Like mm.
But my car's at the shop,
and I literally have to run
to my next client,
so don't stop, won't stop.
But you know what?
We should definitely talk
about doing this
all over again because honestly,
if I'm being honest
with you guys,
I really miss...
Wait, no!
How are we gonna know
if it worked?
Ooh!
What about Jason Momoa?
- What?
- Oh, my God.
He named the snake Jason Momoa.
Fuck yeah I did 'cause he's
got the hottest pythons
in the game.
Okay.
- Yeah, that...
- Okay, so here's what
we're gonna do.
We're gonna take off
Jason's top.
If he's not in the box, boom.
Curse closed.
All right.
- Three.
- Three.
Two.
Both: One.
Oh, thank God.
Suck my dick, Jason Momoa.
Oh, my God, Andy was right.
Yeah.
Wait, did he say he was running?
Like, actually running?
Mm, that can't be.
Hold on there, Usain Bolt.
Mr. Leonard.
Mr. Knight.
That's so funny.
We were just tal...
Oh, no.
Oh, fuck no.
- What? Andy?
- Aah! Aah!
Oh, Andy.
Oh.
Andy!
What the H-E-double vibrators
is going on?
Aah!
Move!
Oh!
Oh, thank God.
What's the capital of Finland?
Helsinki.
Yes, it is.
Andy, come on! Relax.
It's just your old geography
teacher for crying out loud.
I'm not here to kill you.
Or am I?
What what? Cha-cha-cha-cha.
Why would I do that?
I mean, maybe.
No, just kidding.
Am I? No.
- What?
- Come on!
You used to love
those corny jokes of mine.
No? Oh.
Well, listen, hey,
you dropped an earbud...
- Oh.
- Back there. There you go.
Wanna make sure you got
that back.
Silly of me.
Oh,
and also found this out there.
You left that behind.
You gotta take better care
of your stuff, man.
You know what, this is actually
a teachable moment.
I love teachable moments.
But you'd know that, right?
Teaching, talking.
Following.
I got a whole new lease
on life now.
- Yeah?
- I'm looking for love.
Aah! I'm too hot
to marry Mr. Knight.
And I'm too hot to show up
on a Segway
to the club
like Paul fucking Blart!
Aah!
Wait a minute.
But J Momo wasn't
in the shoebo...
Okay.
"Stacy Friendship."
Okay, "Stacy Friendship
Japanese sing-along."
"Ask Stacy:
Advice About Friendship," no.
Wait.
"Stacy Friendship Defense."
It's from the "L.A. Times"
from 1999.
"Elizabeth Lennox, 22,
of Ventura, was convicted
"of first-degree murder
"in the slaying
of Howard Miller, 23.
"Miller arrived at her home
"for what he believed was a date
"after the two met
in an AOL chat room.
"The victim was unaware
that Lennox,
"now a self-employed beekeeper,
"was his childhood classmate,
once voted 'Most Likely
to Succeed.'"
Uh...
Hello?
Lenniegirl17?
It's How-Dawg.
I'm sorry, Howie.
What?
Aah!
No!
I have Third Eye Blind tickets
for...
"Lennox blamed her action
on Stacy Friendship,
an entity she believed
to be controlling her life"?
Oh, my God.
Okay, well.
Maybe it's a different
Stacy Friendship.
Another one.
You know that name's so common.
And it didn't even mention
anything about M.A.S.H.
That name is so common.
Are you kidding?
Beekeeper, shack,
that is the M.A.S.H.iest shit
I have ever heard.
So what the fuck
are we gonna do?
Yeah, come on, A+ Erica.
Get your shit. Follow me.
Shouldn't we take some
of your Adderall with us?
- No!
- Erica, listen.
I'm not going near
any convicted killers.
Are you out
of your fuckin' mind?
Okay, we have questions.
Lizzie might have answers.
It's all fine.
We're gonna take my...
Where the fuck is my rental car?
Wait, my car's not here either.
That, uh,
that wasn't there before.
"All violators will be towed
to Lucky's Autobody
and Impound."
That's weird, because
that's where my car's at.
Okay, this is exactly why
we need that beekeeper, okay?
- Mm-hmm.
- So I'm gonna order a Lyft.
Oh!
What?
- Oh, my God.
Both: What?
- Holy shit!
- What, what, what, what?
- I found Jeremy Fischbein.
- Oh, sweet God, ew.
He looks like a leprechaun
that only made it
to middle management.
Ugh, cancel the ride.
Cancel the ride, girl.
It's not letting me!
- I don't want it.
- Mikayla, you do it.
I don't want it! I got nails!
All right, give it here!
Give it.
Boom! App deleted.
Thank you.
- Whoa!
- Oh, my God.
- Was that what was smudged?
- Oh, my God.
Yeah, right.
You titty twisters wish.
Oh, my God, dude.
I am so sorry.
You were in the...
Josh Greenspan?
Yeah.
And Andy and Mikayla,
and is that Erica?
No! Hi.
Oh, my God,
it's Jeremy Fischbein!
Yeah, mm-hmm.
From... from growing up.
- Mm-hmm.
- From where?
You, um... your chariot...
my van's over here.
- Someone fucking kill me.
- Ooh.
Man, it is so freaking cool
to see you guys hanging out
still.
The Core Three! Oh, my gosh.
So catch me up.
Ooh, Erica and her boyfriend
are soulmates.
Hey, that's awesome.
Erica's all boo'd up. Mazel.
And I see you and he
haven't lost your spark.
Oh, no, dude. That's all me.
- Oh, my God, ugh.
- What?
What?
Don't tell people that.
All right, I tink we're here.
Dang, trippy haunted house.
Hope you can find it
in your little hearts
to get cha boy five stars...
Despite the vehicular assault.
Every review help...
Welcome
to Shutter fuckin' Island.
Dr. Flores,
dial 182, please.
Hello, Officer... Adams.
We are here
to see Lizzie Lennox.
Inmate Lennox?
She doesn't receive visitors.
Did you even have
an appointment?
An appointment.
Please.
I'm Lizzie's new psychiatrist,
and I'm here
for a 2:00 p.m. eval.
And before you ask,
this is my grad team.
What up?
Okay.
Room 1266. Careful, doctor.
She's a freak.
Oh, my God!
Holy shit.
- Oh, wow.
- Very creative, yet creepy.
Hi, Lizzie.
Um, my name is Erica.
We just have some questions
about Stacy Friendship.
Yeah.
Um, we found this gamebook,
and...
Aah!
- Oh, God!
- Oh, no. Mm-mm. Mm-mm.
You didn't read the poem,
did you?
- A what?
- The poem in the book.
Did you read it?
Oh, yeah, we read...
- Yeah, we read it.
- The whole thing.
- Read the shit out of it.
- Front to back.
- It got wild, yeah.
- And the middle.
Uh-oh.
SpaghettiO?
She's back
Who's back?
Stacy.
Oh, my God,
I've seen her before.
She turned
into a fucking coatrack.
Wait,
are you fucking kidding me?
I literally was jogging
this morning,
and that thing had, like,
that cone thing on the eye.
Right? Is that glaucoma?
Yeah, yeah.
- Is it glaucoma?
- I can hear you.
It's glaucoma.
Stacy Friendship might seem like
a cute, fun book company
for tweens...
- Mm-hmm.
- But the real Stacy,
Anastasia Amicitia...
Mm-hmm, old-ass Latin.
That can't be good.
This is not good.
This is... this is bad.
[breathing heavily-
She's a bitter, impish demon
with powers vast and cruel,
known to target children
during sleepovers,
cursing them with the cruelest
punishment of all:
setting their lives
on disparate paths
and ending
their friendships forever.
Ooh.
Usually Stacy's actions
are spread out over the years.
But because you read your poem
as adults,
it seems this game is catching
up with you.
Fast.
I've always hated poetry.
So how do we break the curse?
Did you read the poem or not?
It's literally
the third line down!
"The key is in
what Friendship takes."
You have to give
Stacy Friendship
what she wants.
Which is...
A human sacrifice.
So, um, is that why you...
Made Howie miss his concert?
- Yeah.
- Why else?
So the only way out of this shit
is by killing our game husbands?
Of course not.
Husband.
Singular.
Oh.
And what,
we just end up here with you,
wearing Kanye's outfit
eating Jell-O?
And you rid yourself
of the demon.
Sure, I'm locked up,
but only because I got caught.
And this place isn't a shack,
is it?
Mm-mm, no. It's worse.
And then there's
my best friend, Nicky Evans.
Nicky and I played the game
together.
Killing Howie
saved Nicky's life.
Unless you've seen a lumberjack
with triplets
tooling around
in a monster truck?
I hate this so much.
I don't understand why she
targeted us in the first place.
Stacy chooses friendships
that are vulnerable.
That's crazy.
We're not vulnerable.
We're best friends.
We text every single day.
What is that sound?
I'm just looking at the drawing.
I thought you said
you were a doctor.
Uh, baby, I lied.
Oh.
Go to sleep.
Oh!
Oh!
Holy shit!
I'm a pro wrestler!
A pro fucking wrestler!
Let's get the fuck outta here!
Up in here
Hey, shit stains, wait for me!
I can't feel my fuckin' legs!
Oh, this is a cute little
towing and auto stop.
All right, well, j'arrive.
Think that's French
for "We're here,"
so, yeah, remember to, uh...
- Yeah, five stars.
- Yeah, the...
Yeah, yeah, five stars.
Whatever.
Shove it up your ass, Fisch.
Heard you. Annoying.
- We heard you.
- God.
I can't believe we got
Fischbein again
- Is he the only driver in LA?
- Ugh, get a grip.
Was it just me or did his car
smell like cheese?
- It did smell like jizz.
- I said cheese, babe.
Oh.
Oh.
Well,
this place better be quick.
I got to jet.
Wait.
Why do you get to leave early?
Because there's already
a powerful entity
controlling my life.
It's called a third grader.
So just, like,
text me where to meet
and we'll deal with all
this demon stuff after, yeah?
Okay, which one
of you needs help?
Um, all of us in every way.
Okay, but start with me.
- Okay, yeah.
- Thank you.
It's Ben! One sec.
Oh, Ben. One sec.
What about me?
I have a phone too, you know.
Hello?
I'm an influencer
and I have a bell.
Wouldn't wanna
give you a bad review.
You're getting in my shot.
Hey, babe. How'd it go?
Okay, so you know how
I really like making plans?
I think I need
to start making some new ones.
What do you mean?
What happened?
Phoebe hired her little
vapist cousin over me.
Shit. Well, who knows?
Maybe he deserved it.
Anyways, where should we meet?
Just landed at LAX.
- I'm sorry.
I might have misheard you.
You said
Cousin Borat deserved it?
- Wait, his name is Borat?
- No!
No one is named Borat!
Well, I know...
I wouldn't say no one,
but... there's a possibility,
but he's... he's not...
Oh. Oh.
Yes.
Fuck me.
Not today, Satan.
Here we go.
Touched the mirror up.
No problemo.
You're all set, my man.
Thanks so much. Okay.
Bye.
Yeah.
I love what you're doing
with that, um...
Yeah.
Are you kidding me?
Hey, hey, girl. Hey, girl?
You can't possibly mean this.
Okay?
You're... I mean, you...
Oh, you don't mean this.
It's the game.
It's trying to break us up.
- What game?
- Um, Ben, I'm sorry.
I need you to go
to an In-N-Out, any one,
try the fries,
tell me if they're good.
I don't think
they're that good, okay?
I'm gonna fix this
because I fucking love you!
Bye!
Love you t-
- Come on, you little bastard.
Come to papa.
Oh, shit. Oh, shit, shit, shit.
Oh, yep. Okay, this is it.
Hey, girl, sorry.
So funny story,
you actually made it worse
'cause it won't start.
That is funny
because it was a second ago.
- So you agree, it's broken?
- Just hang on a minute.
I have to help another customer.
Okay, I'm a customer too,
so if you could...
Pop quiz!
Where's Lake Titicaca?
- Hey!
- No! No!
Andy!
Chill out, brother man.
God.
Listen, hey,
I just want to invite you
to a adult learning group
that I happen to be leading up.
I think you'd...
Oh.
Hey, cowboy, take it easy!
Aah!
Is that what I look like?
Stacy, you stupid bitch.
"Exorcist near me."
One sec. Just real quick.
Ugh, there's so much shit
on the Internet, right?
I have other customers.
- Oh, my God, I'm so sorry.
- Yeah.
Um.
Oh, my God. Holy shit.
You're holding my hand.
- I love you...
- Whoa.
And what you do is essential
and honorable work.
Thank you so much.
Thank you.
Uh...
I'll Venmo you!
Oh, I'm supposed to get paid!
What the fuck?
You go. Oh, it's you.
Yeah, okay.
I can't go on Segway rides
on the beach with that man,
Erica.
And I can't kill him either
because Mr. Knight is like
a town fixture,
and I would get caught, like,
in five seconds.
And I can't go to prison.
Look at my face.
Look at my face.
I'm too pretty to go to prison!
No one's killing anyone, okay?
Just get in the car
and ditch that thing.
We're going to Mikayla's.
Help me.
Chop-chop!
Come on.
Stupid.
You're okay.
You're okay.
- That's too much.
- I can't stress enough,
I can't stand when you dress up
kids like...
Look, look, look, look, look!
Hey, Isabella!
You look so different
from the last time I saw you.
Yeah, okay.
Well, Mommy might be a while,
so I want you to head on in,
turn on the TV,
and watch "The Irishman."
Why can't I trick or treat
with Arden?
Well, Arden's mom
is an emotional terrorist,
and her Botox
is honestly a crime.
So you wanna get inside?
All right. Love you.
Sure about that?
- Excuse me?
- Love you.
That was a fake smile.
- Okay, which one's Shamrock's?
- Upstairs.
You guys sure you wanna do this?
He's really expensive.
I mean, he's legit, right?
You think I would be taken
by a mystic?
- Yes.
- Yeah.
- Really?
- Absolutely.
Hidey ho, fuckerinos.
- Oh, Limpy.
- Oh, shit.
We left Josh at the lot.
We're sorry.
No, it's all good,
although I did almost turn
into a human s'more,
so that was kind of weird.
By the way, Mercedes runs great.
- Aah! Sports.
- For me anyway.
How did you even find us?
Andy's Instagram.
- What?
- You're live right now.
- No, I'm not.
- You sure are.
Oh, my gosh, I am.
Oh. Well, only four followers.
I should have at least nine.
You're worried
about nine followers?
That's not even double digits.
Let's go up the stairs.
Okay.
Hey, guys. Going upstairs.
Sorry about the butt-dial.
Informer, ya no say
Daddy me Snow me,
I go blame
A licky boom boom dem
'Tective man a say,
say daddy me Snow me
You've got the wrong Shamrock!
Ya no say,
daddy me Snow me, I go blame
It's me!
'Tective man a say,
say daddy me Snow me
Me.
I'm me.
You better listen
for me now
Listen for me,
you better listen for me now
When-a me rock-a
the microphone
Me rock on steady-a
Yes a daddy me, Snow me
are de article don
But the in an a-out a dance
an they say
Where you come from-a?
People dem say ya come
from Jamaica
But me born an' raised
in the ghetto
It's not Shamrock.
I'm a ghost!
Mikayla!
Great to see you.
I'm not a ghost.
She told you what?
You guys don't have
to murder anyone.
I'm slightly more relieved.
Whew.
That's cute.
You guys are in the right place.
Okay?
Because I'm pretty dialed-in
to the spirit realm.
And I don't wanna get, like,
all HJO on you.
Haley Joel Osment.
But entities,
they fuck with Shamrock.
You know whose ghost
sat over there last week?
Take a guess.
Guess?
- Gandhi?
- No.
- Is it Lucille Ball?
- What did you say?
- Was it Lucille Ball?
- No.
The Gerber baby?
- Joe DiMaggio.
- Oh.
- Who?
- Joe DiMaggio.
- Joe DiMaggio.
- Marilyn Manson's husband.
- Marilyn Monroe.
- Baseball.
Anyway, this sounds like what
we in the metaphysical field
call "a real fuckup."
Okay.
So here's what we're gonna do.
We're gonna conjure the demon.
Mmhmm.
We're gonna uncross your wires.
- Okay.
- And we're gonna send her
straight back to hell.
That sound groovy?
Sounds so groovy.
- So groovy.
- It's groo-vay.
All right,
so here's what I'm gonna need.
I'm gonna need the book
and one of your Venmos.
- Okay.
- And in the For line,
don't put anything specific
and just put, like,
a random emoji or something
'cause I don't want Venmo
coming back at me with, like,
a business fee.
Anastasia?
Anastasia, if you can hear me,
send us a sign.
Both: Oh.
Anastasia?
Anastasia, is that you?
Knock once for yes and twice
for no.
Okay.
Listen, we're not gonna take up
too much of your time.
I know it's crazy busy
down there
in your realm,
especially on Halloween.
So just tell us,
was it you who delivered
this book?
- Oh, my God.
- Whoa.
Well, okay.
And was it your intention
for these four souls
to be its recipient?
Aah!
Okay, Shamrock,
we see what you're doing.
Shh! Eyes closed.
She said it wasn't for you.
That's good news.
No, it's not,
and we're out $1,500.
Okay, you know what?
I don't even usually take
walk-ins,
and I'm only doing this
'cause Mikayla's a friend.
No, no, no, no.
I am so sorry.
Do you guys wanna do this
or not?
- Yes, we do.
- Okay.
Let's get into it.
Shamrock, they're sorry.
Stacy, you're still here, right?
Okay, well,
let's get back into it.
Sham?
That wasn't me.
What?
We have a visitor.
My hair.
Um, what the fuck?
Okay, demon.
It's time to...
Aah!
Aah.
Shammy?
You...
Aah!
Felicem vesperam sanctam.
You bitches are so fucked.
We never should've played
that fucking game!
Core Three for life, huh?
Core Three and Josh.
What the fuck
do you want from us?
Erica and Fischbein sittin'
in a tree
Okay, you need
to take several seats.
Okay, you leave her alone.
Or what?
You're gonna make me
a mean ticky-tocky?
I bet Mr. Knight
likes having his toes sucked.
Mm-mm, Stacy,
you leave him alone.
Mrs. Joey Fatone.
Mega-mansion, huh?
Yes.
Actually sounds pretty nice.
Honestly, it doesn't sound
that bad.
But you shut up.
You shut up!
Yeah, man.
Shut the fuck up!
Well, if it isn't the virgin!
All right.
This guy's obviously
a scam artist,
'cause I fuck puss all the time
and we all know it.
Puss?
You're gonna die today,
incel boy.
I've definitely had sex, though!
God, that's loud and stinky.
Shamrock?
Sham, are you... are you okay?
Are you yourself?
Shammy?
Shamrock?
Is that you?
You okay?
Did...
- Yeah?
- Yeah?
The Venmo go through?
Guys, I said use an emoji.
He's sensitive.
Hey, Josh.
It's okay. We knew.
You did?
- Definitely.
- Yeah.
Look, for the record,
I'm not an incel.
All right?
I'm just involuntarily celibate.
Okay, yeah.
That's what an incel is.
- Heard it out loud.
- You get it.
- Yeah.
- Okay.
Guys, I...
I can't die a virgin.
Okay.
I will take one for the team.
I will give you one,
two minutes...
I don't want a pity hump.
I want the real thing, you know?
I want to live.
I want to be loved.
I want to be held.
I want to do reiki
on a beach somewhere.
What?
So help me God,
if I had a M.A.S.H. wife...
I would kill
the shit out of that bitch.
Aw, so sweet.
But I guess even
in my own fantasies,
I'm still destined
to be alone, huh?
Yeah.
- Okay, is no one gonna say it?
- Say what?
Okay, I guess I'll say it.
What?
Erica, you have
to kill Fischbein.
- Yeah.
- What?
- Yeah.
- I can't do it.
I was valedictorian!
So?
The Unabomber went to Harvard.
What's your point?
Did he really? He must've
been legacy or something.
- Super sure.
- He was really smart.
Okay, I'm not a murderer,
okay, Andy?
I'm not gonna do it.
We just need to re-group
and make some flowcharts
or something.
Flowch... what?
It's a demon curse, Erica!
You're not just gonna
make some Microsoft Excel
and get rid of it, okay?
And no one's gonna,
like, fucking miss
or even question
the disappearance
of Jeremy Fischbein, okay?
The guy had no goals,
no ambition,
he's boring, so dull, and so,
like, ugh!
Not to mention
he's a shit driver, am I right?
Also, you would literally
be saving my life,
so that would
be pretty fucking sweet.
Okay, fine.
I'll do it.
I'll whack off Fischbein
tonight at Camp Wanabangme.
- Yes.
- Okay, are you happy?
No, not whack him off.
It's just, like, whack him.
I've always said that.
- Whacking off is, like...
- Don't listen to them.
You know, when you, like...
In our house, it's whack off.
You know, when
I saw your message in the app,
I was like, "Okay, what'd
she leave in my backseat?"
Wallet or keys?"
And then when you're like,
"Oh, actually I'm single.
Let's hang out."
I was like, "Okay, heck yeah."
Guess I've just been
waiting for this moment
since I saw that sweet
Austin Powers impression
when we were in seventh grade.
Yeah, I still dabble
in impressions, actually.
- Really?
- Yeah.
Yeah.
Can I see one?
Yeah, yeah, like uh...
Werner Herzog was looking at
this plate, he'd be like,
Cheese is the symbol
of man's dominance
over the dairy animals.
Or I usually do Sam Elliott
hosting "RuPaul's Drag Race."
Okay.
Bring back my hogs.
For today's maxi challenge,
you gotta dress up
all these little piggies
like they're hitting Studio 54.
So wait, all the "Drag Race"
contestants are all...
- They're hogs.
- Hogs? Yeah.
They're
gonna be a great bacon one day.
Look at me.
You're a beautiful hog.
Don't let anyone
take that away from you.
Anyway, uh, to your health.
And to yours.
Um, I got a ride.
Yeah, all right.
Oh, God.
Uh, you sound
really out-of-shape.
- Oh, God. I'm gonna throw up.
- Yeah.
Oh, boy.
- Ugh, you okay?
- Oh yeah, I'm all right.
Oh, God. No.
Just so we're clear...
I did that
so we don't go to jail,
not because
of my M.A.S.H fate...
as a gravedigger.
Of course not, but you
are freakishly good at it.
Well, thank you.
It wasn't a compliment.
It's a disgusting job.
All right.
So when you're done with that,
put the shovel over there
by cabin 69.
That's where
we told Erica we would be
and we're gonna hide over there
where Mikayla's pissing in the
bushes where we're gonna hide!
Mikayla!
I don't plan of Lyfting
forever, of course.
You have some
larger aspirations?
Yeah, I mean, doesn't everybody?
I'm trying to open up
my own artisanal cheese shop,
Fischbein Farms.
I've been studying up
on how to age everything
from gouda to gruyere.
Luckily, my parents are
letting me stay for a while.
I'm in savings mode.
And I just...
I really love my parents.
Wow, so you're gonna
be a cheesemonger?
Uh, we prefer curd nerd.
I saw that on the internet.
Man,
I'm, like, killing it tonight.
Mm!
How's that chevre tasting?
Honestly, I could bathe in this.
Where's it from?
Not where, who.
Hmm?
Come on.
I'll show you the shack.
The... the what?
I built it just for her.
Henrietta, meet my friend Erica.
Oh, my God.
Jeremy, she's adorable.
Yeah, she is.
You're a hell of a dairy goat,
too, aren't ya?
You wouldn't know it
looking at her,
but she was actually
the runt of her litter.
Guess that's
why I like her so much.
I'm kind of a runt, too.
Oh, my God.
What? What's wrong?
Um, she's early.
Early for what?
- Get in here quick.
- Why?
We're having a kid.
Kid?
Oh, what's taking her so long?
I don't know.
It's hard to seduce people.
Never send a blond
to do a gay man's job.
- What?
- What?
- Wait, you're gay?
- Oh, come on.
- What?
- Is he gay?
Shut up, Josh.
I didn't... I don't know.
I don't make assumptions
like that.
- Honestly pretty progressive.
- Thank you.
You're welcome.
My God, so little.
Dang, mommy!
Check you out, bottle-feeding.
I'm calling you
for future litters.
Future litters?
Come on.
I can't have just one kid.
The plan is a hundred.
Um, you know what?
Maybe mama and baby need
to relax, bond.
Maybe get a change of scenery?
Um, sure.
Um, what were you thinking?
Axe-throwing bar, something?
What about Camp Wanabango?
Hell yeah.
You look like Jigglypuff.
- I'm Ariana Grande.
- You do look like
a Jigglypuff Grande.
Yeah, look at his little curl.
You're Jigglypuff.
I'm-
Oh... Here she comes.
For a spot we all used
to party at,
this place has super
dark vibes, right?
Yeah.
Paging Jason Voorhees.
That's silly.
Yeah.
Good luck.
Man, I-I feel
like such an A-hole
for not asking you why you were
home in the first place.
Oh, uh, that's okay.
Um, I was here
for a job interview,
um, but I didn't get it.
The boss ended up giving it
to her asshole cousin,
Lenny, who's still
waiting for his...
frontal lobe to develop.
Oh.
It's go time.
Well, Lenny sounds like
a douche canoe.
Oh, that's...
Y-you don't think
he deserved it?
What the fuck is she doing?
The CEO's cousin?
Yeah, he earned it about
as much as I earned
my Peyronie's disease.
If this lady can't see
your brilliance,
then she's just as moronic
as the dude she promoted.
That is so nice to hear.
You were always
so insanely talented.
I mean, you won, like,
every art show in school.
God, I had such a crush on you
when we were kids.
I had a crush on you.
Even this
firecrotch is getting ass?
Unbelievable.
- Did you hear that?
- Um, I think that was an owl.
N... um...
Hoohoot.
No, no, Jeremy, ah,
I wouldn't, um...
- Hoot.
- I wouldn't go over there.
Owls are very territorial.
Shit.
What the...
- Hoot.
- Oh, God.
Oh.
What...
Is this some kind of prank
or something?
What? I didn't even know
you guys still hung out here.
That's so fuckin' crazy.
That's fun.
- Oh, yeah.
- Yeah.
What is this,
uh, a brewski session?
Huh? Fuckin' pass one.
Whoo!
Yeah, brewski times!
Oh, yum.
That can is clearly old
and full of dirt.
So you lured me here on a date
to... to Camp Wanabangme,
to Cabin 69,
as a prank?
No, this is... this is just
a crazy, crazy coincidence.
No, the first two times
was a coincidence.
This...
This is mean.
Are you even single?
Mikayla, is she single?
Ooh, ah, that's a...
That's a tricky question.
Man, I... I feel
like such an idiot.
I really thought I had a chance
with Erica Greenspan.
Cool joke, though.
No, no, no.
No, I'm... I'm so s... no, no.
What if we're meant
to be together?
Jeremy, what if I want
to live in a shack
with you and have 100 kids?
Well, congratulations.
You just had your first fight
as a future couple
since you couldn't end the game!
I'm sorry I couldn't kill him.
He's fucking nice.
And he's got dreams,
and he's a sweetheart.
Oh, he's charming?
Oh, he's fucking
Prince Charming.
Come on, Erica!
It's fucking Fischbein!
And you made a promise.
You're such a bad friend.
Really?
Okay, I'm... I'm sorry,
when did murder
become the metric
of true friendship?
Mikayla, back me up.
Hm.
- Oh, my God.
- What?
Oh, my God!
You're glad she didn't
finish the game, aren't you?
What? No.
I mean, it's just...
I'm kind of psyched
about my fate.
You know, it would be awesome
to win Hell in a Cell,
marry up, and honestly,
these are growing on me.
See? I'm not a bad friend.
Oh, my God, what did
you think was gonna happen?
You were gonna get that job,
and you were gonna move
back into town,
and it's gonna be like 2002
with the Core Three!
Core Three!
Lolz, "Pimp My Ride!"
I never said shit
about "Pimp My Ride."
Okay, what'd you think?
We were gonna hang out
every day?
What would we talk about?
The King of Farts?
Ah, Paul Dudley!
Oh, shut the fuck up, Josh!
That guy rocks, Andy!
Erica, you have been MIA
for a long time.
Okay, I'm... I'm sorry
I moved to New York.
Okay? But here's a question.
When was the last time any
of you checked on me, hmm?
I'm not gonna lord that over
you, though, because I care
about this friendship
and I want it to work.
In fact, I'm the only one who
keeps that text thread movin'.
Sorry, what text thread?
Yeah,
you're the only one keeping
that text thread alive...
- Yeah.
- With your cringey memes!
What do we call her, Mikayla?
We don't have to do this, Andy.
- Tell her.
- We don't have to do this.
- Tell her.
- No, no, no.
I'm curious.
What do you call me?
We call you...
the Memelord.
And we have a sidebar
text thread
talking about
how cringey yours are.
Okay, so I'm not in either
one of the text threads?
Shut the fuck up, Josh!
This isn't about you!
Yeah, of course it isn't!
It's never about old Josh,
is it?
I mean, I'm the one
that's set to die
now that Fisch isn't, right?
- Hopefully.
- But whatever.
Let's just talk
about anything else first.
Huh?
You guys have always treated me
like nothing more
than an afterthought.
What the hell was that?
Oh, my God, it's Mr. Knight.
What's he doing
at Camp Wanabangme?
Probably fucking an atlas.
That guy's a creep.
I'm gonna save all our asses.
Whoa, whoa, whoa.
You can thank me later, dildos.
- Mr. Leonard?
- Pop quiz, fuckface!
- Oh!
- Oh!
Ah!
See? Was that so hard?
- I mean...
- It looked...
It looked difficult, yeah.
Really hard.
But you made it look good.
Thank you.
Ah!
That's a detention.
- Whoa!
- Oh!
Oh, I think big boy wants
to tango, huh?
Hey! Oopsie.
- Ooh.
- Oh, you know.
Oops!
Nope! Try again.
- I'm trying to!
- Oh!
That's sad. Upcha!
This is getting hard to watch.
Don't try to hit me. Hit me.
Oh! Andy, there are
consequences for your actions.
Why won't you die!
Oh!
- Oh, wow.
- Oh, okay.
Is he...
Oh!
Ah!
You're gonna do great, kid.
Thank you.
Okay.
Fill her up, Josh.
Shovel's in the grave.
You should probably
go check his pulse.
Me? Don't send
the Black one in first.
You go.
I wanna touch a dead body.
Now that my car works,
I guess I'll see you all never.
Sounds like a plan.
I guess I'll cut my nails.
Later, you fuckin' fucks!
Later, babe.
Careful with my doors.
Still leasing this.
Brand new Mercedes, so please...
Huh, it's a lease?
Yeah, it's a lease.
You fucking bitch.
- My leg feels better.
- That's good.
Yeah, it's great.
Fantastic.
- Trick or treat.
- Ben!
I went through
so many In N' Out wrappers
I think I learned a Bible verse.
But the only thing I wanted
off the secret menu was you.
Sick line, brah.
Sick line.
Oh, and don't worry
about that hickey.
It's strictly platonic.
That's my brother.
Get out of here.
Not gonna ask.
Can't believe you're letting us
drink red over a couch.
Must have really missed me.
Oh, crap.
- What?
- Work stuff.
- What?
- Huh.
There's been an uprising
in Nicaragua.
They need me
on the next flight to Quito.
Come on, you just got here.
I know, right?
But it's work.
You get it.
Last thing I need is a "Lenny"
trying to steal my thunder,
you know?
I totally get it.
Okay.
I'm just so fucking relieved
we still have a future together.
Why wouldn't we?
No reason.
Jason Momoa!
- What?
- Um, uh...
You look just like Jason Momoa.
That's so crazy
I just thought of it.
You must get that all the time.
People must confuse you...
Whoa, that's so crazy.
So you need to get
on that flight to Quito.
Have a great uprising.
Okay.
You need to get
your ass on that plane.
- Well, I...
- Okay, and we'll just circle
back when we're both
in Brooklyn, okay?
Yeah. Wow.
Thanks-thanks for understanding.
Circling back, babe.
Love you.
Why is it still here?
Lizzie said this would be over
like it was for her
and her friend.
Okay?
Her friend. Oh, my God.
Uh, N-Nicky.
Nicky Evans, Ventura.
Babe!
- Babe.
- You came through.
Praise Jesus.
Of course.
I wouldn't miss it.
Okay, well, bathroom's that way,
because this ain't it.
But then we have
so many people to meet.
God, I swear, Andy,
once you start training us
for free,
you'll totes get
that follower count up, henny.
Wait, for, uh, free? What?
Okay, wait.
My boyfriend is on his way.
How's our ass?
Yeah, it looks
oh, so fat.
Girl, see ya later.
We've been following you,
Andy Leonard.
Okay.
Candace's friends, right?
Oh, yes. "Handmaid's Tale."
Love it.
What's your handle?
I'll follow you girls too.
Okay, we're walking.
Okay.
I wanted to trick or treat.
Yeah, yeah, I know, baby.
But this is... this is way better.
Damn, this place is nice.
Oh, shit.
I hope he still likes me.
That guy?
Why wouldn't he like you?
Well, because we broke the...
Oh.
Whoopsies.
You know what that means, right?
You fall in love
with the first man
you lay eyes on.
Me.
Joey Fatone.
So are we, like, still a thing?
Baby, no one can resist
Cupid's arrow.
Yow!
Oh.
Don't look at that.
They don't call me "fat one"
for nothing.
Oh, my God.
Come on, come on.
Okay.
That's a pretty normal house.
Holy shit.
And then there's
my best friend, Nicky Evans.
Killing Howie saved
Nicky's life.
Unless you've seen
a lumberjack with triplets
tooling around
in a monster truck?
That better be a boat.
Oh. Shit. That's not good.
Monster truck, triplets.
If this guy is a lumberjack,
I'm gonna fucking...
Hey, Jesus.
This is private property.
- Nicky Evans?
- Yeah, who's asking?
My friends
and I played this, too.
So I don't fucking understand
how this is possible
because Lizzie said that...
Wait.
My girls and their mother
will be home soon.
Why don't you come join me
in the mouth of hell?
Oh. That's the name
of your monster truck.
Yeah, what'd you think I meant?
I, um... it felt...
It felt ominous.
Oh, no, it's just the name
of the truck.
Come on.
Okay.
You just parkour into this
or what?
No, no, I got a ladder.
They supply a ladder.
When you get a monster truck,
they give you a ladder.
The curse was never broken.
What do you mean
the curse was never broken?
Lizzie lives in the nuthouse,
not a shack.
The State Hospital and
Asylum for Convicted Killers?
Are you familiar
with the word acronym?
State Hosp... S-H-A-C-K.
Oh, my God.
You know, look,
I know it's rough,
especially at first, but...
Even though Stacy has
her claws in you,
it's not a dead end.
I mean, my kids are great.
I have a solid marriage.
You know, I mean, sure,
it's virtually impossible
to parallel park this beast,
but at least nobody fucks
with me on the 101
when I press the button.
What button?
Oh, ho, ho.
This button right here.
Watch this.
Oh.
Oh, my God.
You do that on the freeway?
I do it on the freeway.
I do it on side streets.
I'll do it in cul-de-sac,
I don't give a shit.
Sometimes I'll do it in
the Trader Joe's parking lot.
I mean, I'm gonna share
something with you
that I probably shouldn't.
But it's true what they say
about dudes and big trucks.
I am completely compensating
for my too small...
Oh, you don't need to...
No, no, you didn't know
what I was gonna say.
Let me finish.
Oh.
I am completely compensating
for my small penis.
Okay, that's definitely what
I thought you were gonna say.
Oh, well, then I guess
I didn't need to finish.
Anyway...
I just can't understand
why Lizzie would lie to us.
I mean, doesn't she know
all of your shit came true?
Course she knows.
You know, I'm...
I'm pretty sure I told her.
What?
Well, I... I... look, Stacy
sets us off in very different
directions, okay?
You never told Lizzie?
You think being a woodsman-
girl dad three times over
gives you extra free time?
I mean, besides,
I'm constantly in training
for the Paul Bunyan competition
every year...
Fuck the Paul Bunyan
competition!
Oh, that's easy to say
when you're not a lumberjack!
Lizzie was your best friend.
Yeah, well, you know,
we're... still pretty close.
Yeah, the fuck you are.
The only joy she has in life
is thinking she saved yours.
When was the last time
you took the 40 minutes
to drive and say hi?
Oh, my God, I'm an asshole.
You have to go see her.
Bring her some crayons.
She has, like, two:
purple and black.
I can't.
Okay?
It would be too awkward,
and she would be so mad at me.
Yeah, probably,
but avoiding conflict
isn't friendship.
You're being a coward.
Well, maybe I am
a coward, all right?
Oh, my God. Wow.
You don't need to do that.
Jesus.
Nicky Evans,
the cowardly lumberj... jack.
Oh, no.
You're okay.
- Here, hold this.
- What?
You're gonna go pee-pee?
Erica, I need you
to do me a favor.
What?
I need you to push the button.
Okay, I'm not gonna do that.
Push the goddamn button!
Push the button!
I don't deserve
the Golden Bunyan.
Push the button!
I'm not gonna flamb
your face, dude!
But I am gonna make
things right with my friends.
Okay, and I think you should
grow some balls
and do the same with Lizzie.
My balls are fine.
It's my penis that's the issue.
Oh, my God.
I'm starting to regret
sharing that information
with you.
Welcome to my N'SYNC-tuary!
Oh, my God.
Look at these Moon Men.
Yeah.
Winning those bad boys
makes you feel
like Neil Armstrong himself.
Hey, easy there, Tater Tot.
Those are gonna be
in the Hard Rock Caf one day.
Isabella, you have
to be respectful.
This is our chance
to change our lives!
Why would we
wanna change our lives?
Because I... because we... uh...
don't you want this mansion?
Don't you want a stepdad
who's been
on "The Masked Singer"?
Don't you want me to be
the coolest mom in school?
You're already the coolest.
Oh, come on.
I can't compete with Arden's mom
and her gluten-free crostinis.
I pack Meatball Delites for you.
Arden's mom's crostinis
suck shit.
Oh.
It's why Arden throws them out.
She eats your sandwiches.
I share them with her.
Can we go trick-or-treating?
Yes, baby.
Let's go.
Hey, wait.
You can't go just yet.
Mikayla, listen.
Once you said you were coming,
I knew it wasn't just
gonna be a Halloween party.
It's gonna be a wedding!
Wow, those nails
are freaking nasty.
Zaddy like.
- Oh, God!
- Jesus Christ!
Fart.
You're an animal!
- You ever fucking knock?
- Okay, look.
I don't wanna tell you this
under these circumstances,
but look, I'm sorry
I didn't tell you
I was coming home, okay?
And for always treating you
like an afterthought
when the truth is,
you've always been our fourth.
But the game is still on,
so I'm gonna need you
to wash up, okay?
'Cause we're going to a party.
Wait, you and me?
- Yes.
- Tight.
So you're gonna need
to put on some pants.
All right, yeah.
I'm just gonna make some coffee
'cause I'm super tired
from digging graves
and jerking off all day.
Okay, there's no time for that.
Drink this.
All right. Oh!
Good catch with all that lube.
Okay, chop, chop.
Wash your dick.
10,000 followers, here I come.
Ow!
We are the Students
of the Knight's Order.
Ah, and you're all... naked.
I had no idea
that Mr. Knight's
adult study group
was so, um, adult.
It's his no longer.
He who vanquishes
the Great Knight
on All Hallow's Eve
fulfills the divine prophecy,
and you did,
back at the campground.
You're our leader now.
Oh, fuck me.
With pleasure.
The new Knight has ordered
the bacchanal.
No, I ordered nothing.
Take me, Andy.
Take me and brand my ball sack.
Now I'm ready to trick-or-treat.
Both: What are you doing here?
Doesn't matter.
The game never...
Never ended?
Yeah, I figured that out
when fucking NXIVM showed up.
Hey.
Oh, no.
Turn around, Brad.
Wait, I need to say something.
Okay?
You guys are right.
I mean,
we've all changed a ton,
and we don't have
what we used to,
and we never will again,
- Oh, wow, that's really nice.
- That was rude.
We were codependent
little freaks growing up.
We spent every minute together.
That shit's not sustainable.
I wanted to see everything
was the same,
because if it was, it means
I didn't miss anything,
and I wasn't a bad friend.
But I was.
Whatever my future holds,
I need you guys in it.
Yeah?
I'm sorry.
No, I'm sorry.
I... I've been a huge,
veiny, throbbing, oozing dick
about the whole
kill-Fischbein thing,
calling you a memelord,
and Mikayla, I'm so sorry
that I pushed you away
all those years.
No, no, no, I'm so sorry
I made fun of you
and your friends!
Oh, those users
are not my friends.
Aw.
I'm just a tiny
little toxic man.
Yeah.
I protect my heart
by wrapping it in barbed wire,
but the truth is,
truth is, those barbs
cut both ways.
Well, that's
how barbed wire works, but...
- Barbed wire's...
- Is that sharp.
I may have never fucked
a chick before...
Oh...
But I sure do fucks
with you guys, you know?
- Hold me.
- No, no, you stay there.
You're probably right.
I'll just stand here.
You guys,
whenever your mansions
or apartments need plumbing,
I'm your bitch.
- Aww.
- Thanks, bitch.
Also, guys,
SummerSlam happens every summer!
So you guys are VIP
to the square ring.
Dude, I am so down...
you know, until I,
you know, die,
'cause that's gonna
happen still.
- That's a bummer.
- Yeah.
What the shit is that?
Excuse me.
What?
I like the way
you do that right there
'Sup, Ben?
Erica! You're here!
You're here!
Baby, who the hell is this?
Uh, I'm Ben's girlfriend.
Who the hell are you?
Uh, Candace Nicaragua.
From TikTok?
Boo.
We matched on Raya,
like, a year ago.
So this was the flight
you had to catch to Nicaragua.
Oh, my God.
You didn't come out here
to celebrate me.
Every time you're busy
or you have "work" in LA,
you're just "in Nicaragua"?
No, he's in LA, fucking me.
That's what I meant, bitch.
Okay, Erica,
I actually do come here
for shoots,
and I'm flying out to Quito
in an hour.
Oh, yeah?
Well, Quito is in Ecuador.
Yeah, and cheaters
get choke-slammed!
Andy, you're seriously
with these musty old bitches?
Hey, I will never apologize
for my friends
or the fact that I like
succulents and skinny jeans,
and I remember exactly
where I was on 9/11.
I was at the orthodontist,
because I remember asking
for red, white, and blue
rubber bands
because it was really sad!
Okay?
And I don't care!
I'm Andy goddamn Leonard,
and I was born in 1990,
and I'm ch-ch-cheugy!
And I love it!
So gross.
Shut the fuck up!
- Yeah, I'm gonna die soon...
- Don't touch me.
Okay, that's fair.
I'm gonna dedicate
this next song
to a very, very special woman.
Mikayla Sanders,
this one's for you.
You're all
I ever wanted
Wait, wait, wait.
This is our song
from the Fall Lip Sync.
This isn't his song!
Joseph Anthony Fatone,
you stop playing that right now!
No way. I love you!
You know what?
Fuck it.
It's Core Four time.
Core Four?
You just make that up?
Rolls off the tongue,
doesn't it?
Heads up.
It's hard to say
I'm sorry
It's hard to make
the things I did undone
A lesson I've learned
too well for sure
So don't hang up
the phone now
I'm trying to figure out
just what to do
That's my girl.
Without you
You're all I ever wanted
You're all I ever needed,
yeah
When I want you back
Josh, are you okay?
Oh, my God, the energy drink.
Is this what kills you?
The curse!
It's breaking!
"The key is in what
friendship takes."
That wasn't about
Stacy Friendship.
It was about our friendship!
Oh, my God.
We have to keep dancing.
We do?
- We got this.
- Okay.
You're all I ever wanted
You're all I ever needed
Even when she pukes, she's hot.
So tell me
what to do now
When I want you back
Holy fuck!
That shit was inside of us?
No!
You bitches are supposed
to be finished!
Game over, bitch.
- Game over, bitch.
- Game over, bitch!
- That's enough.
- Okay.
When I want
You back
October 31st.
Mm. God Oh, God.
Either I slept weird,
or I am super sore
from choke-slamming
your boyfriend through a table.
Agh.
Ugh.
Mikayla, your nails.
What? Oh!
No more world record?
- The book.
- What?
- It's gone.
- What?
And the snake, which means...
- Oh, my God.
- Josh!
Josh.
Holy shit. I'm alive.
Oh, my God.
Yeah!
I'm gonna live.
I'm gonna live!
I'm gonna live!
I'm gonna live!
You there! Boy in the blue!
What day is this?
Fuck you, old man!
All right.
Dick bitch ass.
You know, guys,
I gotta tell you,
in hindsight, that was
pretty fucking fun.
No.
Josh, what the fuck?
Oh, wow.
The whole N'SYNC posse
is in the hizzie.
Ooh, wow.
Your memory's sick, bro!
Please.
You used to play
that album so much,
you practically beat me
over the head with it.
'Cause... 'cause you...
Only figuratively, though.
Huh?
Happy Halloween!
Uh...
The all-in-one
Theranos blood test.
But in all
seriousness, you guys,
I actually do have
some pretty big news.
It's-a me, Mario!
What's wrong?
Her cousin?
Jesus. Really?
Well, who knows?
Maybe he deserved it.
Wait, what?
You're not supposed to say that.
Are you on Raya?
Uh...
Whoa, whoa, whoa, babe!
Don't get all psycho.
Have fun with Candace, shithead.
She's, like, 18
and is gonna leave your ass
for an MMA fighter.
Oh, and by the way,
I got that job,
and it pays great,
so when I move back to LA
without you,
I'm not gonna have to live
in a rickety-ass shack.
Bye, Brooklyn!
So her name's Claire,
and she's a doctor.
- Ooh!
- Ooh, Claire!
Dr. Claire.
It's only been our first sesh,
but I gotta tell you guys,
Talkspace nailed it.
She, uh, said I have
some pretty severe issues
and I'm pretty
mentally disturbed,
so... she gets me.
Wow.
Look at you,
working on yourself.
- Thank you.
- Where can I find a guy like...
That does that?
Listen, it takes time.
The dudes will come.
Listen, my dude went
a little cuckoo last night,
but I'm not worried.
Okay, watch this.
Hey, Joey Fatone,
send me a dick pic.
Mm.
Ooh, instantaneous.
Ooh!
And huge.
- Oh, yes.
- Can I see?
Can I see? Can I see?
God did spend
a little more time on him.
Ooh!
Oh, my God.
Hey!
Which house
do you wanna go to next?
- That one!
- Yes!
Trick or treat!
- Oh, hey.
- Here you go.
- Thanks.
- Wait.
Is that...
Wow.
A full-size candy bar.
I knew this place was cool.
- Hon.
- Yeah.
Hey.
Are those randoms,
or do we know them?
I don't know.
Oh, they were out of blood,
so I just got us red.
Good idea.
I gotta get more candy.
Well, go get it, girl!
Okay, I'm off.
Wish me luck.
You don't need luck.
I rubbed my romance stone
before I left.
- Oh, no, is that...
- Yes, that is what
I call my vagina.
Yeah, no, I figured.
- Yeah.
- Well, thanks, Mikayla.
Your sister's about
to get Fischbeined!
Nice.
- Ew.
- Ew!
Happy Halloween, Fischbein!
Erica?
Erica Greenspan.
Oh, my God.
This is... this is so crazy.
I'm sure it is.
No, I... I mean,
we were literally just talking
about you.
We?
Guys,
you will never believe
who's here.
Wow, what's up?
Yeah, the Fischtank's
hanging out
for the first time in ages.
Marcus, AJ,
and you remember Paul Dudley.
Oh, yeah...
- There it is.
- Greetings, wifey.
What did you just call me?
Uh, this is so lame.
Paul downloaded
this game on my phone.
We've been fucking around
with it.
Apparently, you two
are gonna get hitched.
What game?
Yeah, he's gonna be
the president,
and you're gonna be
the first lady.
Hope the White House
has room for octuplets.
Never pulling out.
Let's kill tonight
Kill tonight