Daddy and Them (2001) Movie Script

Come on!
Come here!
No! I'm gonna do it!
I swear I will!
Let me go!
Stop it!
Stop it!
- Stop it!
- I'm telling you!
- Give me that!
- Ow! Ow.
- Give it to... Ow!
- Drop it!
- You're gonna cut both of us!
- What do you care?
You said you was gonna
kill yourself anyway.
- Stop it. Ow!
- Give it to me!
Give me that glass of piece!
It's dangerous!
It's a piece of glass.
You said glass of piece.
- Well, give it to me. I don't care what I said.
- Ow!
Come on.
And get up.
- Quit actin' silly.
- Ow!
If I can cut that thing
right off your arm...
then I might have
a reason to live.
You're the one that told me
to get it covered up.
Talk to that dopehead
that done it.
He's the one that told me
it was artistic to do it that way...
pointy, not blocky.
Well, it's still a rose.
Crossed out name or not,
24 hours a day a rose.
And to top it off, you got that feather
or whatever down by your crotch.
I know it's just a cover-up job
that's hidin' your true feelings.
What if I had your brother's
name tattooed by my deal?
A sex reminder every time
you went to fool with me.
That's how I live every day
of my life, rain or shine.
Honey, a rose
is just a symbol...
that represents a flower
called a rose.
And you ought to be damn proud that I
covered her name up with a feather that way...
'cause I done it for you
out of love.
I stayed on your ass is the only reason
you fixed any of it.
And the only reason you got
that one that means "God"...
is to take my attention
off of her being all over you!
I didn't necessarily say it meant "God. "
That one guy in there said it meant "God. "
The other guy said it was a weed whacker
on a Communist flag or somethin'.
And they don't even
believe in God... orJesus.
Honey, I jus picked i off
a picure on he wall...
'cause i called ou
o me cosmic.
And you know I'd put your name
on me anytime, anywhere.
I don't want it!
You think I wanna be just like her?
Thanks, and no hanks.
Thanks, and no thanks! Thanks, and
no thanks! Thanks, and no thanks!
Communists don't believe
in God orJesus?
I heard they're short
on toilet paper too.
How do you know that?
That guy I used to work with,
the one I told you about...
till this tractor run over him
and killed him?
He told me.
I'll be dogged.
I didn' know abou ha.
Come on, baby.
Let's go in the house.
Hey, look.
Does my belly look flat
as it did yesterday?
- Of course it does.
- Are you sure? Because it feels bloated.
Sugar, it's not.
Come on.
You'll have to promise me
that you won't leave me if I get fat.
Hand me them candy corn,
will you, sugar?
- Sure, baby.
- Thank you, baby.
Honey, it ain't that I don't
wanna go see your mama.
It's that we can't afford to go to
Nashville and back. I done told you that.
I akes gas money
o go places.
You don't wanna go see my mama 'cause
you hate her. I bet if Rose wanted...
Oh, come on.
Don't start that shit with me again.
Well, what if I used to fuck your
brother? You wouldn't like that a bit.
I didn't used to fuck your sister.
She was my girlfriend.
- We didn't fuck.
- You didn't fuck her?
Of course I fucked her!
She's my girlfriend!
You know what I mean by that.
All your mama's gonna do is talk
about your damn old boyfriends.
- Here we go. Mm-hmm.
- How great they were.
I'm sick and tired of
hearin' them damn stories.
I've heard 'em a hundred times.
And they were idiots, every one of'em!
Oh, so I'm such a dumb-ass,
I went with idiots all the time?
- Hey, you said it, honey.
- You like to hurt my feelings, don't you?
Okay, you're not a dumb-ass.
I'm sorry.
But they were fuckin' idiots.
Every las one of'em
was lile-dicked idios.!
Muscle men, half of'em,
which I know you like.
Fuck every one of'em.!
- You hate my whole family, don't you?
- I love your family.
Does that mean
I have to love yours?
Honey, you're gonna have to quit
actin' like you're gonna kill yourself.
It's embarrassin'.
- You know he neighbors alk abou us, don' you?
- You fucked my sister!
You was 13 years old!
Did you want me
to get thrown in jail?
- I couldn't fuck you,
could I? Back then?
It's on the washer. Where's my brush?
You're shittin' me.
Is J.C. Livin'here now?
Okay. All righ.
We'll call you a 12:00. Bye.
Who was it?
Honey, it was my daddy.
Uncle Hazel's been thrown in jail
for armed robbery.
- What?
- Yeah.
We're gonna have to go to Little Rock.
His bail's pretty high.
- Uncle Hazel?
- Yeah.
Well, what's he doin' committin'
a crime like armed robbery?
I don't know, honey.
Can you slice
ha bologna a lile hinner?
You know how Ruby is
abou hin mea for sandwiches.
Well, it's pretty thin.
Hey, Dewey,
is bologna pretty lean?
- I think so.
- I mean, fat content-wise?
Oh, it's good, it's good.
What do you say we just
put it on ticket, Dewey?
Well, now, Claude...
you-your bill's pretty darn high
right now as it is...
and you ain't paid so much as a nickel
on it as long as I can remember.
Now if you'd, you know, just pay
a little somethin' on it every month...
so it looked like
you're tryin'...
is all.
That's easy
for you to say.
You're self-employed.
You don't have to work for the county
for five and a quarter an hour.
I have to feed a woman
that acts like...
there ain't gonna be no more food
and is skinny as a rail.
I don't get it. She ordered
a goddamn C.O.D. Elephant.
- A ceramic elephant. C.O.D.
- Now...
Her signature was right on it.
You don't know what it's like, man.
Claude, you oughtn't take
the Lord's name in vain...
when you're talkin' to
a deacon of the church, now.
You've just went to pot ever since
your folks moved up Little Rock.
- Your daddy paid his bills.
- I tell you what, then.
You just keep your damn
thick-ass bologna. Here.
- No-No... Claude.
- There you go. Keep it.
Keep it!
I don't give a shit!
You just sit here
in your air-conditioned store...
while I cut weeds
and fill potholes.
And your church
can kiss my ass.
The only reason y'all go to church
is to show off new clothes.
Don't think I don't know
about stuff like that.
And you don't give a shit
Jesus was a carpenter.
He was like me.
He worked for a livin',
buildin' chairs.
Are you still
an alcoholic, Claude?
Can you slice me
another pound of bologna?
She'll have my ass if I don't bring it
home. We're goin' on a trip.
How come she's gotta come down here at
all? Ain't her people locked up in jail.
Honey, the whole family's
gonna be there.
Now, your daddy and them
is my family, and vice versa.
Other words,
Mama and Rose is your family.
My folks should be involved
in any big-time situations.
In other words,
a crisis situation.
But how come we have to wait for her
to come all the way from Nashville...
to ride 81 miles?
Why don't she just go to Little Rock?
We'll done be there and meet her.
Honey, it's what she wants.
She ain't gettin' any younger.
- You know all she'll talk about is
your damn ex-boyfriends. - Here we go.
- Who wants to listen to that shit in their right mind?
- You hate her, plain and simple.
It ain't gonna take her no hour anyway.
She's flyin' on an airplane.
Flyin' on an airplane?
Now, see there? She can afford
to fly down here on an airplane.
We can't even afford
some damn bologna...
- and candy... dreams or whatever they are.
- Candy corn.
Wait a minute.
We ain't got no airport.
In Little Rock.
Well, yeah, in Little Rock.
That's my point.
She'll be flyin' into Little Rock.
It's the only place to fly into.
She'll done be there.
Honey, she's got somethin' she wants to
talk to us about on the ride up there.
She's gonna get a taxicab in Little Rock
to bring her out here.
Then she's gonna ride up to Little Rock
with us so she can talk to us.
See? Want some candy corn?
- That rash I get.
- Oh, yeah.
Y'all are wired different,
you and your mama.
- There's something off about you. Your common sense is off.
- Honey...
Hey, baby, will you...
Will you rub my foot, while we're
waitin' for Mama and them, with Jergens?
Mama and them who?
Mama and them, Rose.
Rose is comin' too.
She is?
Don't act so damn happy
just 'cause you fucked her.
You're a sacrilegious person,
you know that?
I've explained
and explained to you.
If it's your girlfriend, you don't call
it fuckin'. Now, don't call it fuckin'.
You're hurtin' my foot.
So you don't mind ridin' up to Little Rock
all the way in the car with me and Rose?
She is my sister,
and I love her!
I just don't like it
that you fucked her!
And I call it fucking,
'cause that's what you did!
Look what you did.
You wanna play
some cards or dominoes?
You know me and dominoes.
I sure do, baby.
- Y'all go to church today, honey?
- It's Saturday, Mom.
- Wha are you gonna do abou work, Claude?
- What do you mean?
Well, what kind of work are you doing
now, Claude? You switch around so much.
How come Uncle Hazel
would rob a liquor store?
Ruby says that you are doin'
some kind of forestry work?
It wasn't a liquor store,
was it, honey?
I'm cuttin' weeds for the county. No,
honey, it was one of them quick-stop marts.
- How come he married a psychiatrist, reckon?
- I thought it was a foot doctor.
- Mm-mmm. Apsychiaris. - She's from
England or something, I believe.
What's the difference between
a psychiatrist and a psychologist?
Well, one of'em can give you dope
and the other one can't.
That's what I heard.
Downers and uppers.
Claude, if you hadn't left
poor Rose...
you'd be with her right now
ridin' to Little Rock.
- Don' her hairdo look good?
- Mama.
I left him.
He didn't leave me.
- Tha ain' he way you old i before.
- Jewel...
in the name of God, please give me
some peace about that.
- I was en years ago.
- Poor thing's had ulcers ever since.
Hello! I'm here!
I happen to be his wife, Mama!
- Ain' you go any manners?
- I didn't mean anything by it, honey.
I was jus braggin'
on your siser's hair.
Would've gotten the color part done too,
except I had to buy these shoes.
What do you think, Claude?
Looks good. What's that? Some kind of
little strawberries or somethin' on it?
Ruby, who was that boy...
that you thought
got you pregnant at camp...
Goddamn it!
I am sick of that shit. Ain't you got
somethin' else better to talk about?
It turned out
she wasn't pregnant anyhow.
Y'all can have it.
I'm jus gonna
ge ou ofhere...
and y'all can drive
o Daddy and hem's...
or go to Nashville,
whatever you wanna do.
I'm gonna go to the bus station at Arkadelphia
and just go on a bus the rest of the way.
Ain't you gonna
go after him?
Not when he's like that.
It won't do no good.
Gets them dead eyes.
You can't talk to him.
If he was mine,
I'd go get him.
- You kiss my ass.
- You gonna drive or you want me to?
If I don't go on a diet and lose
my rear end, I'm gonna kill myself.
Oh, shit.
- Figured you'd be in here this time of night.
- Hey.
- You and her have a fight?
- Yeah.
- Need a ride?
- Yeah.
How's it goin', Al?
Who is that?
That's that psychologist
Hazel married.
I wondered
what she looked like.
- I guess that's it, then.
- Mm-hmm.
Yeah, well,
I'm gonna go to bed.
Well, some of y'all wake me up
to eat in the mornin'.
She looks kind of English,
don't she?
Ruby's in there in my room
if you're lookin' for her.
How are you gettin' along,
Oh, I stay nervous
just about all the time.
Yeah, me too.
- Hi.
- Hi, sugar.
Hey, baby.
How come everybody else
is asleep and you're not?
Do you like this color
fingernail polish?
- I can't hardly see it, can you?
- Yeah.
You know, I feel as good
as I've felt in a long time.
That's good, honey.
Boy, Hazel's wife
sure looks English, don't she?
I took a bath
and washed my hair.
I like to sit with an open window
with my hair wet...
fiddle around with little things
like fingernail polish.
- It's like a little hobby, you know?
- Yeah.
I like to be clean,
don't you?
Oh, yeah, sure.
Well, you gotta be clean.
I like to be up when
there ain't nobody else up.
Feels like
the whole world's asleep.
Can't nothin' get you
or bother you, you know?
Well, it seems to me that's
when everything can get you.
That's when folks
get knocked in the head...
and shot and cut up
and everything... at night.
But I don't wanna think about
things like that right now.
So if you're gonna keep talkin' about it,
you're gonna have to sleep on the couch.
I don't think so. Besides that,
that Englishwoman's on the couch.
Oh, yeah.
Ain't you gonna ask me
how I've been?
Well, I thought maybe
you'd ask me how I'd been.
Well, I've had a belly full of gas
all day. That's how I've been.
Oh. Yeah.
Boy, you got
a pretty foot, honey.
Thank you, baby.
You don't reckon we can find
someplace to fuck around here...
where there ain't
nobody layin', do you?
Well, it's a nice night
out tonight.
There's about six or eight car hoods
in the front yard.
- You're so fond of that.
- Yeah, I am.
Plus, I just love the way you look
in the light of the moon.
This ain't the time of the month when it's
easier for you to have a little old baby, is it?
No, I don't think so.
Would you still love me
if I was gonna have a baby...
and got to be
a big fat lady?
Of course I would, baby.
I wouldn't care
what you looked like.
You're my baby.
Plus, it'd be like that
famous quotation, you know:
"There'd be more than
twice of you to love. "
I believe Ben Franklin
or one of'em said it.
Some of them bunch that
signed the constitution.
I never heard that.
How you been, honey?
Fine. You?
It's been a long day.
- Claude.
- Oh, yeah. Well, I guess.
Mama made that little-bitty sausage
for breakfast. Y'all better come on.
It's funny you to bring up meat
right off the bat that way.
I was havin' a dream that there was
a recall on some meat somewhere.
I believe i mus've been California.
Everybody was blonde-headed.
It might've been Switzerland
or one of them places then.
Yeah. Yeah, maybe.
But the sun was out.
Well, it probably
was California then.
Or Florida.
- we'll be in in a minute.
- Oh, boy.
I slept so good
in that bed last night.
Well, I know one thing.
You slept on most of it.
You didn't leave me
but two foot to sleep on.
How'd you sleep
last night, O.T.?
Not worth a shit 'cause
of all that racket outside.
Don' hink I didn' know you ook
lile Rose o bed on op of my car.
Well, Daddy, what'd you expect me to do?
We had a full house.
Why don't you try to keep your horse
in the barn for a couple of nights...
till your Uncle Hazel gets out from
under all them charges he's up against.
Tha ain' no kind of respec.
So you know, O.T.,
that was me...
makin' love to my husband.
He quit Rose
quite a while back.
Why don't you
correct somebody for once?
Oh, Claude was just sayin'
last night...
Isn't Rose pretty?
Goddamn you, Mama.
Claude was just sayin'
last night, Julia...
that you sure look English.
I was, and you do.
- You just look English. Don't she? She looks English.
- You do. She looks English.
How come none of us was invied
o you and Hazel's wedding, Julia?
Well, we just had a quick ceremony
down at the courthouse...
with witnesses,
not a proper religious ceremony.
- Your parents were there.
- Well, wejus figured...
we'd be invited, you know,
being family and all.
I'm a massage therapist and a health
and fitness nut, you know.
Max here,
he works for the Gazee.
Gazee Democra now.
He's from Chicago.
I'm really sorry. We just did it
rather suddenly, you know.
We just kind of got
our feelings hurt.
I mean, God, Hazel
is my uncle, after all.
I mean, he was always sayin' how pretty
and how sexy he thought I was.
Well, no in he gross way.
Speakin'of gross, Billy...
this woman is from England.
Do you want her to think all Americans
are whiny-assed little shits like you?
Is that what you want?
Reckon we can sop a
Pizza Boy after church?
I have to go see Uncle Hazel
in jail after church.
Sure like me some pizza.
Well, let's see, I guess...
I guess maybe
we'd better take two cars.
We're not Methodists.
Me and the girls, we can stay here.
And we'll meet up after church with ya.
Ruby can drive their car.
And you jus go on and you jus ake
Alvin and your mama and daddy.
- That's four of ya.
- And Bill and Max in theirs. That works out.
- Jus go.
- Now, that's not right, little Rose.
You need to go to church
with Claude.
A woman needs o be
in church wih her husband.
I just wish everybody'd
get on the same page.
Thank you, Jesus.
We'd like to keep the Montgomery
family in our prayers...
as O.T.'s brother, Hazel...
was incarcerated recently...
I believe it was burglary,
wasn't it, O.T.?
- Armed robbery.
- Armed robbery, then.
You don't have to tell
the whole town, Daddy.
Brother Rush, would you
strike something up for us?
Then you tell him to get hisself
back out there and fix it.
Well... Little...
- How'd he like to have his
ass whooped? Tell him that.
Y'all stay off
my hind end back there.
I'm goin' as fast as I can.
Ain't nothin' for me to whoop
a plumber's ass, I guarantee ya.
Well, at least this is a clean jail.
I guarantee you...
Bring him back out there.
We'll have a squared-off place for him. I'll
just take care of him right then and there.
Hey, listen...
Hey, y'all...
you can't just walk through here
like that, pretty as you please.
Get back over here.
I got to check you out.
Hey, y'all.
Here's your wife.
Uh, Hazel, are you gettin' along
all right in here?
- Yeah, it's all right.
- Can you... Can you sleep pretty good?
- Yeah, all right.
- Yeah?
That's a hell of a thing to watch
a big brother and a baby brother...
talkin' to one another
on the jailhouse phone.
- Huh?
- I said...
it's a hell of a thing to see
a big brother and a baby brother...
- talkin' to one another on a jailhouse phone.
- Yeah.
I'm sorry that
everything's greasy.
- Take a towel or somethin' and wipe it off.
- Yeah.
Somethin' about a jail
gets me kind of horny...
even in the movies.
What do you mean?
- You mean because there's men in here?
- No, baby.
- You mean 'cause there's men in here...
- No.
And they're built up and they're
muscle men, and you like that.
- I do not.
- That's exactly what you're talking about, isn't it?
- So I guess I'd better
get built up more...
To keep you from runnin' off
with a goddamn criminal.
Claude and little Rose...
drove all he way
from Arkadelphia...
One of these days I'm gonna do it,
Claude. You watch and see.
Honey, you know Daddy's senile. He knows
damn well we don't live in Arkadelphia.
Good morning.
They usually don't come in
on a Sunday.
- Hello. Welcome, everyone.
- Hello.
- Come on in. Here we go. Hi.
- Come on in.
Hi. I'm Lawrence Bowen.
This is my wife, Elaine.
I'm actually a partner.
In the firm.
I'm not just his partner in life.
Yes, that's right. We're Mr...
We're Mr. Montgomery's attorneys.
Yes, and they would know that.
Sure they would.
Uh, obviously, Julie and I have gotten
to know one another quite well...
as this thing, you know,
has gone on.
- And I assume that, uh, that the rest of us...
- I've gotten to know Julia too...
- get acquainted as time goes on.
- Because there are two of us.
- Great.
- You see, we... we just had brunch...
Lawrence and I.
Okay, well,
I thought that, uh...
we'd get started by just
getting to know one another...
and letting you know
where we are thus far...
Lawrence, perhaps...
they might like to sit down first.
Uh, you see,
Lawrence is from Chicago.
So sometimes his manners slip a little.
I'm Canadian.
Enough said.
- Please, sit down.
- Yeah.
- Please.
- Go on and have a seat.
- Why don't you sit in the middle?
- This seat, sir.
- That's fine right there.
- It's very comfortable.
- Are you going to sit down?
- Jewel, you sit over here.
Okay. What about
his wifeJulia?
- Well, she's been here before.
- No, I'm okay.
- It's perfectly all right.
- I love your hat.
I'm not very comfy.
- Thank you.
- Sure.
I'd like to start by, uh,
just saying that...
we have started
formulating our case.
I'm actually
the head of the firm.
I brought Lawrence in
when we married.
You see, when my father moved
to Little Rock from Toronto...
Elaine, I don't think they wanna hear
about all that right now.
- As a...
- Oh. Okay, Mr. Whatever.
Le's jus cu
o he brass acks, shall we?
Attempted murder.
It's a very serious charge, and I'm afraid
it looks very bad for Mr. Hazel Montgomery.
It also looks like a basically
open-and-shut case for the prosecution.
Well, I'm actually
quite sure...
70... 70% sure... that we can
have this reduced to assault.
Oh, bullshit! Oh, be straight
with these people, Lawrence.
I mean, my God,
look how many of them there are.
Attempted murder?
Well, I thought
it was armed robbery.
That's what y'all said.
I sugarcoated it.
Because of the nature
of my work as a psychologist...
I thought it would be
a great, um...
marital aid, so to speak, for Hazel
to learn more about what I do.
Marital aid?
- What?
- Marital aid.
Oh. Marital...
Okay. Sure.
What does that have to do with?
Are y'all makin' fun of marriage?
Well, hell, no, honey.
We're not makin' fun
of marriage.
We're talkin' about
a marital aid.
- It's just a little old plug
with a string on it.
That's all right.
Yes, i was indeed very helpful in
undersanding wha we each deal wih every day.
And Hazel...
Do you know he really started
to feel some real self-worth?
He was helping people, you know,
and not just "selling wood," as he put it.
Claude, you sold
a lile wood, hadn' you?
In my time.
Well, then this fellow
Tommy Christian started calling.
Acually, you gave i away,
didn' you?
Goddamn you, Claude.
Can't you give me one night...
where you don't drive me crazy
and break my heart?
Well, don't give me shit about it.
Talk to your sister there.
Tommy was very disurbed.
And he started talking to Hazel
incessantly about thoughts of suicide.
Hazel practically
became his therapist.
A Russian
that wrote Lolia.
He took that word
and split it in two...
to where it came out
"the rapist. "
Bu wha happened is,
Hazel made he misake...
of meeing Tommy in person.
Tommy became obsessed with Hazel, started
calling him in the middle of the night.
All the time. At home, at work,
always threatening suicide.
Hazel couldn't stand
the son of a bitch.
He was about to drive him crazy, so he went
over there and tried to kill him with a doorstop.
Yes, well,
that's the short version.
- Around here that's better.
- Hazel maintains his innocence...
and I believe him.
I could go ino why,
bu, um, perhaps anoher ime.
We could all use some rest,
I'm sure.
Could I ask you a question?
Like, a businesslike question about
your psychology business you got?
Certainly, Claude, yes.
Now, are you the one that can
give out dope, or the one that can't?
So which one of you
used it on who?
- What?
- The plug deal!
Mama, please quit playin'
that monkey.
Claude Montgomery,
political science.
Listen, I don't know.
I could explain it to you better, maybe.
Listen, y'all stay off
them cars tonight.
I wanna get me some sleep.
Well, I don't think you gotta
worry about it, Daddy.
I mean, Ruby's
mad as hell at me tonight.
What's that got
to do with anything?
Well, I-I-I tell you
the truth...
I'm just...
I'm just wore plumb out.
Rose looks like
she's mended up a little.
She ain't finally carryin' me
a little grandbaby, is she?
Daddy, I wouldn't have a clue
what Rose is carryin'.
Well, good night.
Y'all say a little prayer for Hazel.
- Yeah, we will.
- I had an awful dream about him...
gettin' cornholed
down at the jailhouse...
by a gang of white guys.
Hey, sweetheart.
How ya doin'?
Yeah, that's right.
I don't know.
Whatever you wanna do.
See there?
What do you say, puddin'?
What you doin', playin'?
You better start talkin'.
I want it all.
Don' you le anoher minue go by
wihou elling me...
every little nasty-ass
bit of it.
It's my right to know
what I'm dealin' with here.
'Cause if you used that contraption
on her, whatever it is...
tuggin' in and out of my sister or you tuggin'
in and out of her, I have the right to know.
You mean her tuggin'
in and out of me.
You said me tuggin' it out of her, and then you
started to say me tuggin' it out of her again.
You know what I mean,
you son of a bitch. Just start talkin'!
I wanna know where I stand,
fantasizin' and all.
'Cause if you like that shit... doodads,
little diddle sticks and stuff...
I swear to God I'll go to the hardware
store tomorrow mornin'...
and buy a carload of shit to run in and out
of us that will cripple us both for life!
Honey, I'm always
straight with you.
I mean, you know, maybe it hurts,
but I don't bullshit ya.
I'll tell you everything.
I'll tell you every little detail...
about everything
you wanna know.
- You know that.
- Every little detail. I bet you'd like that.
You like talkin' about it
and killin' me.
What are you talkin' about?
You told me to tell you.
I thought you wanted to know everything.
What about you?
- God knows wha you've done. You probablyjus lie abou i.
- Oh, here we go.
Am I the best? God knows.
Who the hell would know?
- You've probably been ou wih guys before hajus...
- Oh!
Don't even say it to me.
Don't tell me.
You talk about killin' somebody.
Oh, you could kill me, and you know it.
- I've told you a million times you are the best.
- But you're lyin' about it.
It always turns into your shit!
I'm the one we're talkin' about now!
My feelin's are hurt!
Can we talk about me now?
It's not you! Now, what the hell happened
with that thing? What exactly is it?
It's just a toy.
It's just a little old bitty toy.
And it was a million years ago, honey, back
when me and Rose here was two consentin' adults.
You keep your voice down! You want her
to hear us? Add that to injury.
Listen, sweetheart, a...
a man's got a past.
I wish it wasn't that way but, you know,
that's the way the world goes around.
Yeah. Well,
a woman's got a past too...
and you keep bent out of shape
about it all the time.
- I do not!
- Oh, my God.
Ruby, do you remember
that time...
- that you run off with that Efford boy?
- Oh, God.
And y'all didn't show back up for three
days, and it turned out y'all was in jail...
for, um, sealin'
a whole bunch of Pe milk...
and, wha, frozen pizzas?
- Popovers, Mama.
- Yes, ha's righ.
It was popovers.
Why'd you wait so long
to call me?
I had the most
awful nightmare about that...
that you and this boy was takin' poison
instead of stayin' in jail...
like Romeo and Juliet
and them done.
I's okay, Mama.
You was
in jail for three days with a guy.
- Jus go back o sleep.
- You never told me that.
You was in jail for three days
with a guy. You never told me that.
Yeah, three days.
I'm gonna go outside and pray
for Uncle Hazel right now.
He needs our prayers.
He's laid up in that jailhouse probably
gettin' cornholed as we speak.
Now, there's you
some tuggin' in and out.
You see that?
Now, look at you.
I always did say
one thing you can do is shoot.
Now just do the same thing
and get me a grandson.
Little girl, aren't you
proud of your husband?
Which one of us
are you talkin' about?
- See that, Jewel?
- Good shootin', O.T.
Yeah, there may be snow on the roof,
but there's still fire in the fireplace.
Or whaever ha deal is ha hey say.
I'm sure there is.
Claude, can I shoot your gun?
In a minute.
I'm usin' it now.
"Claude, can I shoot your gun"?
- What's wrong with you, Miss Priss?
- Ooh!
- Can't you ever just have fun?
- Elbe, what in the world are you doin'?
I'm over here shooin
and Jewel and...
one of the girls
is watchin'.
I just got it in me
to pick something pretty.
what are you doin'?
Kiss my ass.!
Well, I don't know
what them lawyers want...
but out of all of this they ought
to find somethin' they like.
We got the list.
We know what to do. Let's go.
A lone cowpoke wen ridin'ou
one dark and windy day
# Upon a ridge he resed
as he wen upon his way
#And all a once, a mighy herd
of red-eyed cows he saw
# Comin'hrough
he ragged sky
#And up he cloudy draw
# Yippee yi-ya
# Yippee yi-yo
# Ghos riders in he sky
# The riders looked on by 'im
he heard one call his name
#If you wanna save your soul
from hell a-riding on his range
# Then cowboy change your way oday
or wih us you will ride
# Trying o cach
he devil's herd
- #Across hese endless skies
- Everclear.
# Yippee yi-ya
# Yippee yi-yo
# Ghos riders in he sky
# Yippee yi-ya
# Yippee yi-yo
Problem is,
everything Elbe cooked is raw...
and everything
Billy here cooked is burn.
I should've knew better than
to let them try to barbecue anything.
But I got foot trouble.
Is Hazel goin' to the pen?
Well, if he would agree
to plead guilty to a lesser charge...
maybe we could work
something out.
However, he insists
on pleading not guilty.
I thought that's good,
isn't it?
It's real good
if you're not guilty.
Mr. Montgomery's
our client, Elaine.
We don't represent people
that we feel are guilty.
I know that, Lawrence.
But I also know
when a case looks tough.
I mean,
hey have an eyewiness.
Don't forget, I've been around
a little longer than you.
Nobody's arguing
with that, sweetheart.
Look, do I have to remind you
again and again and again...
No, you don't have to remind me every
time you get a fuckin' hot flash, okay?
How much more fuckin' often
could that be? Huh?
I mean, wha are you
reminding me of after all?
Your daddy's rich
and he bought you a career.
I don't know how fuckin' impressive
you think that is.
- Go to hell.
- Listen.
Don't you think
the important thing right now...
- You know, I think I finally realized...
- is Hazel's defense?
The cuteness...
wears off really fast.
And besides,
with a 30-year-old...
you think you would expect more
than a four-minute erection.
I mean,
it is the point, isn't it?
So you just take your
mail-order law degree...
and you shove it
up your ass.
'Cause it's over.
I, um, think maybe we're not
the best attorneys for Mr. Montgomery.
Well, Claude,
are you happy now?
Hazel ain't got
no fuckin' lawyers.
The Couny Superior Court
is now in session.
The Honorable Mr. Dorn presiding.
All rise.
All down.
Yeah, I go in
a lo of rouble in France.
I did most of my fightin'
in Belgium, military-wise...
but I kicked up my heels
in France a time or two.
What war did you lose
your legs in?
I ain't old enough to be in no war,
except the Gulf.
Oh, that wasn't no war.
Just a bunch of missile shootin'.
My ex-wife
shot me in the back.
Didn't even shoot 'em by hand.
They used computers.
One of'em was broadcasted
on the news from up and under a bed.
They say a lot of'em over there
got poisoned with somethin'.
I guess nobody told 'em a bed
wouldn't stop a nuclear rocket.
- No.
- Yeah.
Shot you just like that?
Drunk a half a bottle of Uncle Somethin'
or another's bourbon, then shot me.
I ain't heard
from her since.
That middle boy of mine's
a crack shot with a rifle.
All right,
will the defendant please rise?
Mr. Mongomery,
do you undersand...
he naure of he charges
agains you, sir?
To ell you he ruh, Judge,
I don' undersand any of his mess.
- Say "Your Honor. "
- Huh?
Not "Judge. "
"Your Honor. "
Well, Your Honor, I didn't do
anything to get myself here...
that you wouldn't have done
or anybody else...
who had to go through what I went
through with that little shit right there.
Oh, my God!
You head-knockin'...
- redneck son of a bich.!
- All-All... All right!
You are crazy as a loon!
And, Judge, let me tell you somethin'!
- You don't know the devil that this man turns into!
- All right!
Your Honor!
That's what they told me to say.
All righ, I have order, boh of ya,
righ now.! Do you undersand?
- We understand the charges, Your Honor.
- No, we don't.
- Yes, we do.
- You're damn right you do!
- You hit me in the head with a doorstop made of solid iron!
- Kiss my ass!
What you doin' here?
Oh, my baby brother is being arraigned
on some serious charges.
He didn't do it, though. There's
somethin' off somewhere. He's a good boy.
Married an Englishwoman.
I didn't even know
she was mad at me.
She ain't spoke two words to me
since Teddy turned three...
six months ago
or somethin'.
Well, see there?
Children. That's somethin'.
J.C. Is screwin' everything that ain't
nailed down, and ain't come up with no babies.
I think he uses
them darn "condrums. "
And Alvin, he's got his nose
in a dag-burned book all the time.
And Claude, for all his car-hoodin' and
God knows what all with that little girl...
must be shootin' blanks,
or she's got female troubles.
Them your boys?
a whole lot easier...
to live with than real kids
is what I heard.
My boys is all I got.
Teddy and Jack, three and four, over at
their granddaddy and grandmama's house.
Well, see there?
Ain't you goin' in
to watch your brother?
I can't watch.
He lost his lawyers.
They had a "May and December"
They give him a government lawyer
who seems nervous and ignorant.
All right, we're gonna try this again.
Mr. Montgomery...
- how do you plead, sir?
- Not guilty.
Not guilty?
Not guilty!
All right, sir, let...
- Mr. Caldwell, can you get control of your client?
- In cold blood!
- A nu he size of a damn loon.!
- You lie like a rug!
Order.! Order.! All of ya.! Everybody.!
- I'll kill you,
you psychotic little bastard!
Order! Order!
You in court?
My cousin Russell,
all over 38 dollars.
He was a hyperactive child
and still is, I guess.
Folks is messed up
these days.
Life's easier, and folks
is more messed up.
- Must be awful not to have the use of your legs.
- Yeah, i is.
At least I can hug my boys.
I was thinkin' the other day about
somebody bein' paralyzed all the way up...
turnin' their wheelchair
with blowin' in a straw.
Imagine that.
Not even bein' able
to shake a man's hand.
But your kids.
Imagine that.
Just havin' to sit there
and stare at 'em.
- They wouldn't understand.
- Daddy.!
You're never gonna
believe this!
A man from the newspaper
wants to take our picture.
Lauren Walsh. I know him.
Good guy and good shooter.
Well, how come of'em to make
that court date so far away that way?
I mean, why don't we just do it
and get it over with?
Oh, courts are notorious
for that.
Supposedly they
have a backlog of cases.
- Suppose it's true?
- That boy back there...
got his legs shot out from under him
by his crazy wife.
Y'all gonna be takin' us
to the airport after a while.
- Okay, Ruby?
- That'd make you happy.
They can stay the rest
of the year if they want to.
- You'd like that, wouldn't you?
- My God!
Ruby, there's the bags.
Goodness gracious, girl!
You got a rear end
just like your mama.
Oh. See there?
That's it. That's it. I'm either gonna
kill myself or get dumped by you...
for some tight-ass
insurance woman or somethin'.
- Real estate woman. Let's go!
- I didn't say it.
Here, honey, I'm gonna
put it back here.
- You sure do make good ham hock.
- Come see us someime.
ain't that far away.
You know, I miss seeing
your sorry ass.
Well, I miss you oo.
Well, you ake care
ofher, okay? I really love her...
even though we got
our problems and stuff.
- I love her too.
- And I'm sorry if I was the cause of any of your problems.
- Well, no, that's just family, you know.
- Yeah.
- It'll all work out. We'll come see y'all.
- Yeah. Okay.
- Okay. You look real good, Claude.
- Thanks.
Oh, my God! I give up,
you sorry bastard! You sorry bastard!
Why don't you just throw her down
on the couch in front of everybody!
Goddamn you! Get it over with,
why don't you, Claude!
Go on in the house
and beat off!
- Hon, that's nasty talk.
- Ruby, come on, honey.
You know ha boy
Gerald Plummer?
He's workin' down
at the airport now on airplanes.
- Cheer up. We might see him.
- Great. That's just great.
Yeah, tell her that, why don't you.
That's all we need here.
Honey, why don't you go see Gerald Plummer
at the airport and watch him fix airplanes.
- Would you like to do that?
- I never touched him. I never touched him!
- Well, he must've had leprosy!
- God.! I give up.!
- I wasn' doin'nohin'
- Don't you start with me!
Rose, you stay out of it!
You stay out of it, Rose!
Go away!
If you didn't start this shit,
it wouldn't happen anyway.
- Get in the fuckin' car.
- You watch to see if I don't go to a nightclub!
Oh, good! Maybe you can meet
somebody pretty!
You get in that car... Get in and shut
your mouth! Get in that damn car now!
How come y'all
be cryin' like that, Mama?
Sometimes, it just gets
cluttered up in my head, hon...
and I...
and it causes me to cry.
I don't know how come
her to be cryin' though.
Can I see that book?
Can I see that book?
That's a psychology book.
You mind if I read it?
Of course not.
My God,J.C.
You look like a cat burglar.
I heard the whole thing, bud.
Let's go to a nightclub.
I'm no sure wha i is. I'm no
sure wha i is I'm supposed o do.
I wish you could help me.
Oh, my God.
What a horrible night for somebody.
God bless 'em.
Sir, you've been in a wreck.
You need o be real sill, okay?
- All right.
- All right. Don't look around. You know where you're at?
- You know what happened?
- I don't know exactly where I'm at.
All right. We're gonna get you
to the hospital. Be still. Don't move.
- Say righ here.
- Nancy, no.
Well, you may have
inernal injuries we don' know abou.
Wih he bleeding on your head, you could've
hi he seering wheel or he windshield.
Don't move around. Do you know
how much you had to drink tonight?
- Well, I had a 30-pack. You'd have to tell
how many's left over there. - All right.
- Hold up.
- Oh, my God, it's...
What are you doing?
Do you know who the president is?
- Huh?
- Yeah. Bill.
Okay. You know
where you're at?
Now, come on.
Hey, sugar britches, you just
gettin' back from the airport?
Oh, baby. Oh, my baby.
Oh, my baby. You mean,
you're not hurt too bad or dead?
You should've seen it. We whacked
the shit out of that Dually over there.
- Big old cowboy's eyes
got as big as a pie plate.
I seen him just before we hit him.
Man, oh, man.
- You mean, you're okay?
- They were all drunk.
There doesn't seem to be anything at all
wrong with him except a bruise or two.
- Oh, God.
- See there? We was drunk.
Thank God
y'all was drunk.
- Thank God.
- Oh, baby. I've go so much apologizin'o do o God.
Oh, baby.
Honey. Honey, please.
Please, let's never go nowhere
that we're apart, okay?
- Okay? Okay.
- Okay, honey.
If we can.
What's wrong, baby? I'm fine.
I just got knocked around a little bit.
That's all right.
Honey, wh... Wait a minute.
Where's J.C.?
He's over there in the truck.
He's stuck in there.
- They're trying to prize him out.
- Is anything wrong with him?
- Well, yeah. He can't get out.
- But physical?
He's fine.
He was he drunkes one of'em.
Anyhow, we're gonna take him
to the hospital for observation.
We're gonna do chest X rays.
We're gonna check for internal injuries.
And if you wanna follow us,
you can.
- Well, who... that?
Oh, I'm sorry, honey.
This is Tamara.
Tamara, this is my wife, Ruby. Ever
since we got here, she's been so nice.
She just practically saved my life,
even though there wasn't anything wrong.
Well, it's nice to meet you.
Nice to meet you.
- Tamara is your name?
- Mm-hmm.
You think it would be all right if I talk to
my husband for a minute before you took him?
I know you have to take him.
Just for one moment? Private?
- One minute.
- Okay.
I'll see you
in a minute, Tammy.
She's so nice.
Did you have your shirt and
your britches undone and open...
or was it Tammy
who did that for you, honey?
She done it, honey.
She had to check me.
You heard what she said...
internal injuries possible.
I bet you liked that. Pretty-lookin'
checker you picked out for yourself.
- Ineresing you picked her, isn' i?
- Shit, I didn't pick her out.
- She just come over here. She's the ambulance driver.
- You didn't pick her out?
- One woman and a bunch of men, and you didn't pick her? Okay.
- I didn' pick her ou.
I can't even have a head-on collision in
peace. I could've been tore to pieces here.
- Have fun at your nightclub?
- Shit. We didn't get to the nightclub.
We ain't but a mile from the house.
We was headed that way...
and J.C. Bent over to pick up his Molly
Hatchet tape, and we been here ever since.
- Is that right? Uh-huh.
- Well, yeah, it's right.
Well, then,
let me ask you something...
if you're so smart,
Mr. Nightclub, okay?
'Cause you're busted. How come the truck
is pointed towards the house, huh?
You ever hear of a little thing
called female intuition?
Well, yeah. It was pointed in the other
direction till we hit that line dancer there.
- Did you ever hear of centrifugal force?
- Sorry your night got spoiled...
but it's so great,
'cause you're fine now, baby.
Everything's okay. So as soon as they
prize Hugh Hefner out of the truck...
you can go back to your little nightclub
you missed in the first place.
- Hey, Ruby.
- Hey,J.C.
- They're tryin' to prize me out.
- Huh?
They're tryin'
to prize me out.
I hadn't wanted
to get into this.
I wanted to keep my opinions
out of the way of the family.
But in view of
what's happened tonight...
and in the light of hard times ahead of
us, with Hazel's trial, I thought I should.
Frankly, I thought it would be irresponsible
of me not to have this little talk with you.
I really love Hazel...
as unlikely a pair
as we are.
I mean, who's to say how love
comes about? Hmm?
I've heard him
pour out his heart...
seen him cry,
laugh and play...
and get angry.
And he reason
he was drawn o me, I believe...
is because he wanted
someone stable in his life...
some order,
some communication.
He's gotten to the point where
he can't stand to be around you!
And he loves you all.
But for God's sake...
I mean,
think about it!
I should sart seeing you all regularly,
on a one-o-one basis.
I can't really do that...
that wouldn't be ethical...
but there are other people
like me you can talk to.
Haven' you noiced you're
fucked up, oally fucked up?
You're so negative!
You don't ever communicate to each other,
and you never ever resolve anything.
Plus, you're all alcoholics.
You drink constantly...
and two of you were nearly killed
tonight because of it.
- Killed?
- J.C. Claude.
In a car crash tonight.
And hey were drunk.
My husband can't stand
to be around his own family.
He didn't realize that,
poor love...
until somebody... me...
pointed it out to him.
Help me. I mean,
why do you jus si here, hmm?
You're not going to die.
You're going to fade away.
Talk to each other,
not at each other.
Connect, connect,
You talk. You listen.
You respond.
You respond to the response.
You see, that's how it works.
You see,
you never ever connect.
- Do you drink?
- Yes!
From time to time,
like normal people!
Now, if I'm not mistaken,
the English invented whiskey.
I'm not an alcoholic!
I'm not like you people!
Well, I tried.
Yes, Julia, you tried.
Maybe I'll see you when
my husband comes up...
before the supreme high judge.
- Well, she got a bee
up her ass, don't she?
Hmm. Yeah.
Hmm. Yeah.
My goodness.
Watch this.
- I'm sorry.
- For what?
Hazelnut hittin' you in the head
with that iron deal.
Well, that's how come me...
to come on over here.
- Oh, that's old business.
- Well, I lied.
Okay? And I need somebody
to talk about it.
All right.
Let's get away from this music.
- Okay.
- Here. Have a seat on the steps over there.
- Set yourself down.
- Okay.
Now, I wouldn't blame you if you wanted
to kill me, but it's been eatin' at me.
The truth, that is.
See, I've been workin' on myself
a little bit at a time.
Well, I been seein' a therapist and
eatin' fresh fruits and raw vegetables...
and all kinds of things,
and it ain't helped me none...
other than the fact that I'm regular
and I don't eat as many antacid tablets.
Anyhow, when I was talkin'
to your uncle on the hot line...
See, I was drinkin', which I've quit,
other than smokin' reefer...
which I do every now and then with my
next-door neighbor, who's eat up with glaucoma.
Anyhow, I was just bitchin'
and complainin' and moanin'...
and just blamin' everybody for everything,
and he was just so nice to me...
that I...
well, I just kept it up.
And we became friends. And I'm always shitty
to my friends, especially the nice ones.
- You know how that is. Anyhow...
- Mm-hmm.
Oh, I guess I was just
bein' terrible to him.
I mean, to the point where I was just huntin'
him down just to tell him how much I hated him...
for not making my life right.
Anyhow... Well, I guess he became
some disgruntled office worker...
'cause he comes over to the house
and starts screamin' and yellin'...
and just spillin' his guts
about how much I'm ruinin' his life...
and how much I remind him
of his family.
And that's when I told him to kiss my
ass. Well, see, I shouldn't have done that.
'Cause then he comes into the house.
And he's angry. And he starts screamin'...
and throwin' things around, and I tried to
stop him before he got into my shoe closet.
You see, I'm a shoe nut. And then he throws
me off of him. I go flyin' through the air...
and I hit my head
against that big old doorstop...
which they would've found out ain't made out
of iron anyhow once we got into the courtroom.
Then my neighbor, the witness... Well, he was
high on pot and all eat up with that glaucoma.
So I had him say
that he saw Hazel hit me.
Hazel can't stand y'all.
Not near one of ya. He hates every single
one of ya, but he's too afraid to tell ya.
Now, I'm gonna go down, and I'm gonna
drop the charges and tell the law I lied.
And all the good eatin' in the world
or therapy or nothin' did one thing.
And my therapist told me to go to a spa
and get some rest, and I did. I went...
and I got massaged
and I meditated.
I ate oat bran, and nothin'...
not one thing... did one thing.
But then I got a facial. And I don't mean
a deep-cleansing, but a relaxing facial.
And I fell asleep. And I started
to dream, and I dreamed these boys...
they come along,
and they threatened to cut me open...
fill my belly full of saltwater
and then sew me back up...
if I didn't start tellin' the truth
and acting grown-up.
So your uncle's
gonna be a free man...
even if I go to jail
for "abstraction" of justice.
And, oh, God,
I just thought you might wanna know.
I'm gonna go buy you
a record player, Mama...
so you can listen
to some different music.
Boy, that'd be something,
wouldn't it, hon?
- Daddy?
- Huh? Oh, oh.! I ain'...
I ain't ready yet, Lord. Please. I can't
go now. I ain't got no grandkids yet.
It's me. It's me,
Daddy. It's me.
Alvin, what in the shit are you doing?
You scared me half to death.
I was havin' a nightmare.
I got ganged up on by a bunch of boys.
You might wanna tell somebody
about those nightmares sometime.
If you'd talk
to Mama sometimes...
she might quit
playin' that damn monkey.
Alvin, you're one of my boys
and everything...
but you are the oddest
poor son of a bitch there is.
- #
- Ruby?
Oh, hey, Alvin.
Is something wrong, hon?
If Claude still wanted to be with Rose
or anybody else for that matter...
he'd still be with her.
Your fear of losin' him
makes you want to blame him...
for stuff you don't do.
Lord knows he's
got his problems.
Y'all both want to mess things up
before the other one does.
He told me one time...
you look like
an old-time movie star...
so pretty,
you're not even real to him.
Actually, he didn't tell me.
He told it to you.
I just heard it.
He talks to you
while you're sleepin'.
He's just crazy
about you.
'Night, Ruby.
- #
- Goddamn it.
What you doin', Alvin? Ain't you
got somethin' to read or somethin'?
Brothers ain't supposed
to see brothers on the shitter.
- I don't even let Ruby watch me take a shit.
- Maybe you ought to sometime.
What, for God's sake, Alvin?
Ruby wouldn't hurt you for anything
in the world. She's crazy about you.
Any man in he world
ougha be happy as hell...
o have somebody
care abou hem ha much.
She's had a lo ofboyfriends.
Women ha's daddy's run off...
they do that sometimes.
They're lookin' for something.
She found it.
You're a lucky man.
Sure wished I was buil like you,
lean and everything.
Someimes I hink Ruby'd be crazy
abou you if you was as fa as a hog.
- You think so?
- Mm-hmm.
I don't think she's bluffin'.
Don't ever
let it be too late.
Wake up.
- I'm awake.
- No. Wake up.
So wha am I supposed o do?
Pick a color and a number?
One or he oher.
All righ. I'll pick a yellow.
- Y- E-L-L-O-W.
- And one on he inside, righ?
- Mm-hmm.
- Ours.
- O-U-R-S.
I'm so glad
you're eatin' cheese.
What are you talkin' about?
You know, you're supposed to pick a word now,
but I forgot to write anything on the inside.
- You know what I was thinkin' about?
- Hmm?
That one of these days when we
get rich, I'm gonna build us a house.
- I like our house.
- I like our house, oo, honey...
but this is gonna
be a special house.
I'm gonna build a tunnel from the back
door to plumb out in the woods...
and at the end of the tunnel
there's gonna be a toilet.
That way, can't nobody
bust in on ya, ya know?
- Uh-huh. - And hen righ nex o
i, here's gonna be a lile room...
wih a weigh machine in i so I can
keep my muscles good, my belly fla.
'Cause if my belly ain't flatter than all
your ex-boyfriends', you can't stay with me.
I'd have to leave you, honey.
I gotta be better than them,
all of'em, in every way.
You are.
I told you a million times.
But I mean in every way.
I hate them bastards, honey.
I hate 'em as bad as you hate Rose.
- I don't hate Rose.
- Then quit eatin' my ass out about her, honey.
- It ain't my fault. I don't do nothin'.
- Why don't you tell her...
to leave you alone
and stop flirtin' with ya?
And then
I don't have to do it.
If you don' love her
and you do love me, hen ac like i.
It's embarrassin' to me. You don't
do nothin' strong or hard enough.
I can't believe
you said that to me.
That's the very thing that kills me,
and you just sat right there...
and looked me in the eye
and said that to me.
You wanna get one of your
ex-muscle men, is that what you want?
Then you can have all
the strong, hard shit you want.
You make me feel
like a gna.
I don't mean that kind of hard.
I don't mean fuckin'- wise.
Don't say that word when
we're talkin' about muscle men.
I mean, look me in the eyes
and tell me you want me...
not her
or the ambulance driver.
Make me feel safe
once and for all.
That's all I want.
You are he flaes belly
and he sronges and he bes.
And it ain't fair for you to keep sayin'
you ain't gonna be with me.
You can't ever
say that again!
I ain't ever even been
with a muscle guy.
- I just let that on to make you jealous.
- Jealous?
- To make me jealous?
- Yeah. I did.
You're funny as hell.
I don't even wanna hear that shit.
I can't believe
you'd say that either.
- Honey, I'm the most jealous
son of a bitch in the world.
- I know.
- My God.
I don't need any help. Don't be doin' me
no favors. Besides, I've seen your pictures.
I've seen that one big old guy,
that Chuck, or whatever his name is.
He was fat.
And I didn't
screw him anyway.
I didn't screw half of'em
I told you about.
- Are you serious?
- Yes, I am.
Just half? I was kind
of hopin' it'd be less.
You know what I mean.
Not exact arithmetic.
Just a few.
- A few? Like what?
- It don't matter. You're the strongest...
and the handsomest and
the most beautiful and the funniest.
- But how about the biggest?
- Yes, but it don't matter, 'cause I love you!
But I am, right?
I ain't sayin' it again!
I said it for the last time!
What, honey?
I don't care how many muscles
anybody else has got...
or how pretty they are or how rich
they are or how poor they are...
or how smart they are or how ignorant
they are or... They ain't you.
You see this?
You see this?
You see this?
You see this?
There ain't but one of them things
in the whole world, and they're on you!
I don't want nothin' or nobody
in this whole world but you!
You're the only one that thinks
about my old boyfriends... not me!
And I don't lie to you,
so have some faith in me.
I love you,
and I'm good to you.
And that's all you get.
And that's all I want from you.
That, and tell Rose to fuck off, and
maybe I'll stay off your ass about her.
You are my friend.
Don't you know that?
You're my friend.
I know that.
Alvin busted in on me in the toilet
tonight while I was doin' lumber.
I'm sorry, sugar.
I guess it's okay.
He's my brother.
He didn't mean no harm.
You know what I've been thinkin' about
ever since I met Hazel's wife?
What's that?
About packin' up the car and takin' you
on a vacation over to England and France.
We ain't never been
nowhere further than St. Louis.
It's about time.
And that wasn't for you.
That was for the Cardinals.
I wanna do something for you
that girls like.
Something romantic.
Take you over there
and see all them castles...
where all your kings
and queens lived.
See all them places where
folks got their heads cut off.
That kind of thing.
Sometimes, when you threaten
to kill yourself, it scares me...
'cause sometimes I'm afraid
that you're really gonna do it.
I couldn't make it
without you.
I wouldn't even know
what to do.
Plus, every time I'd be making out
with whoever I ended up with...
I'd just be thinking
about you.
'Course, I wouldn't
end up with anybody else anyway...
not ever.
I'd probably
become a preacher...
one of them kind
that "abstracts" from sex, you know?
You look like an angel to me
when you're sleeping.
I love you so much.
You'll never know.
Mama. Mama, ell me wha o do.
I had he weirdes
dream las nigh, Daddy.
I dreamed you and Mama
was out in the backyard dancin'.
Gettin' around pretty good, too,
to be as stove-up as you are.
Whole bunch of us
was wachin'y'all.
- Ruby wasn't even mad at the ambulance driver.
- Why not?
Oh, and, you know, I heard Chet Atkins
play guitar, too, but I didn't see him.
- That was it?
- Yeah.
That was just it? There wasn't nothin'
chasin' you or nothin'?
No much of a nighmare.
I said it was a dream,
Daddy, not a nightmare.
Daddy, I read o escape.
How come you started
talkin' so much lately?
Sorry about your car,
It's all right.
I'm just glad you didn't
get hurt any worse.
Besides that, I had a dream somebody bought
me a hot rod... I believe it was Willie Nelson.
McGwire hit 70. Y'all are going
to have to get a TV, you know it?
I know.
I know.
- All right. I'll see y'all.
- All right.
- I'll see you.
- Bye-bye. We'll see y'all soon.
- All right. Y'all come see us sometime.
- All right.
You come back.
Remember what I said.
I will, Daddy.
- Hang on to that thing.
- Hang on to what thing?
- That truck.
- All right.
We'll see you, then.
- Bye, Mama.
- See y'all soon.
You know, honey, we really should get
Mama and them to come up and visit us.
- You said "Mama and them. "
- Yeah.
You know, Alvin said he was gonna start
drinkin' pop instead of beer, just like that.
Yeah. He told me that. J.C.'s the one
that needs to start drinkin' pop.
That boy goes through
a whole bunch of vehicles.
He gets uncoordinated
when he drinks, you know.
- Cross-eyed, just about.
- Yeah.
Do you ever get tired
of things?
- Like what?
- Like the way you are.
Yeah. I even get tired
of the way you are.
Well, I meant both of us,
yeah. Everybody else too.
English are smart,
it seems like.
They even talk pretty
when they're mad.
When we had
that head-on collision...
I didn't really see
that cowboy's eyes get big as plates.
That's just a old sayin'.
I seen you.
Just for a second.
Kind of like in my mind, you know?
- What was I doin'?
- Just holdin' your hand out.
Sometimes things seem magic,
know what I mean?
I sure do, baby.
I had fun, too, this week, you know,
besides all the horrible things.
It's kind of good seein' everybody
in the same spot.
And we got that dream started
about us a honeymoon.
It's kind of like that book
they had us read one time in school.
It started out sayin', "It was the best time I
ever had, and it was the worst time I ever had. "
- I believe it was by Dick somebody.
- I'll be dogged.
Hey, boys.! Wai a minue.!
Hey.! Come back.! Come here.
We forgot something, didn't we?
What'd we forget?
- To tell us we love you.
- That's right.
- I love you.
- I love you.
- I love you.
- I love you.
- I love you.
- We said it at the same time, didn't we?
- Mm-hmm.
- That's cool, huh?
All right. Y'all's mama is gonna pick
you up this afternoon after school, okay?
- Okay.
- Daddy's gotta go back to work. Y'all go play. Be careful.
Don't throw any rocks
at anybody.
All right. Come here.
I know what you want.
You want a hug,
don't you?
Have a good day.
See you girls later.
- You're so safe.
- I know ha.
Miss Montgomery,
can we borrow y'all's hose?
Sure, hon.
What's goin' on, honey?
Little Ricky
borrowed the hose.
Huh? What?
Little Ricky
borrowed the hose.
- Playin', sprayin' one another.
- Oh.
- Morning.
- Good morning, baby.
I had a dream that
we got a station wagon.
I had a dream
I stopped usin' protection.
You know, my deal.
My diaphragm.
I didn't know you used one
of them things, hon.
I thought I should.
- Don't they stop babies from happenin'?
- Of course. That's the point.
So I've been puttin' up with all that shit
from Daddy all these years about grandbabies...
and I've been shootin'
at a steel door?
It just didn't seem
like it was okay to have one.
Now it seems okay.
Babies know when
they're supposed to get here.
That's what I think.
They sure do, honey.
There was a carload
of'em in that dream.
- How many of'em?
- Two or hree of'em.
Will you look at me in the eyes
next time we do it?
I sure will, baby.
I promise you.
It's gonna be okay, baby.
It seems like there's a lot more air
today than there usually is, don't it?
Yeah. It does seem like it,
don't it?
Some clouds comin' in.
- Maybe here's a sorm comin'
- No.
Them ain't storm clouds.
#She don' like her eggs all runny
#She hinks crossin'her legs
is funny
#She looks down her nose
a money
#She ges i on
like he Easer bunny
#She's my baby
I'm her honey
#I'm never gonna
le her go
He ain' go laid
in a monh of Sundays
# Caugh him once and he was
sniffin'my undies
#He ain' oo sharp
bu he ges hings done
#Drinks his beer
like i's oxygen
#He's my baby
and I'm his honey
#Never gonna le him go
#In spie of ourselves
# We'll end up
siin'on a rainbow
#Agains all odds, honey
we're he big door prize
# We're gonna spie
# Our noses righ off
of our faces
# There won' be nohin'
bu big ol'hearts
#Dancin'in our eyes
#She hinks all myjokes are corny
# Convic movies
make her horny
#She likes kechup
on her scrambled eggs
#Swears like a sailor
when she shaves her legs
#She akes a lickin'
and keeps on ickin'
#I'm never gonna le her go
He's go more balls
han a big brass monkey
#He's a whacked-ou weirdo
and a Love Bug junkie
#He's sly as a fox
crazy as a loon
#Payday comes
and he's a-howlin'a he moon
#He's my baby
I don' mean maybe
#Never gonna le him go
#In spie of ourselves
# We'll end up
a- siin'on a rainbow
#Agains all odds, honey
we're he big door prize
# We're gonna spie
# Our noses righ off
of our faces
# There won' be nohin'
bu big ol'hearts
#Dancin'in our eyes
#In spie of ourselves
# We'll end up
a- siin'on a rainbow
#Agains all odds
we're he big door prize
# We're gonna spie
# Our noses righ off
of our faces
# There won' be nohin'
bu big old hearts
#Dancin'in our eyes
# There won' be nohin'
bu big ol'hearts
#Dancin'in our eyes
In spie of ourselves.