Daffy Duck's Quackbusters (1988) Movie Script

"And then, Nose-man takes the ax...
...and chops his way into the city's
inner sanctum. "
And then what? Then what?
Ah! Here it is. Nose-man says:
"This place is malodorous.
Chock full of malignancies. "
Gads, this comic's a real page-turner.
It's slopping over with gripping suspense.
Let's see now, let's see. Nosey says:
"Do my nostrils detect
the overpowering stench...
...of a prehistoric monster?"
He turns around and...
"Story continued in Hideous Tales
Issue Number 177."
Gee, that's nice.
"Story continued in Hideous Tales 177"?
Where is it? Where is it?
It's a veritable collector's item.
- Quick, you're on in five seconds.
- What? Who? Where? Huh?
Gee, tough audience.
Say, this stuff works great.
Take it, Ghoulie.
They're drenched in blood
Or caked with mud
You yell and scream
When one of them arrives
There is no denying
Monsters lead such interesting lives
They live in ooze
They've paid their dues
No brothers, sisters
Moms or dads or wives
Honest, I'm not lying
Monsters lead such interesting lives
When you see them
Coming down the street
You better not have weights
Tied to your feet
They'll steal your heart
Tear you apart
Limb from limb
On a whim they'll suck your brains
And eat your remains
They'll slice you up
With little forks and knives
They're never merry
They're oh so scary
Monsters lead such interesting lives
They're independent fellas
They don't live nine-to-fives
Monsters lead such interesting lives
Thank you. Thank you.
So are you folks enjoying yourselves?
Hi, Frankie. How's the missus?
Look, it's mummy dearest.
Still all wrapped up in yourself, I see.
And... Whoa, it appears
we have a celebrity in our midst.
That 22-ton terror of Tokyo town...
...that towering colossus
of scaly reptilian bulk.
Of course, I'm talking about...
Throw a spot on him, would you, fellas?
So, Smog baby,
leveled any major cities lately?
You know, folks,
Smogzilla's just like any unemployed actor.
Except that when he pounds
the pavement...
...it registers a 10 on the Richter scale.
Aw. What's the matter?
The public not buying
those cheap special effects anymore?
Whew. A dream. It was all a dream.
Heh-heh-heh. Smogzilla.
You was expecting
maybe Calvin Coolidge?
Right this way, folks. Right this way.
It's a bargain at any price.
Step right up and get yourself
a brand-new DeLorean.
No household should be without one.
Just $60,000
in three easy weekly installments.
Yes, sir, these little babies
are selling like hotcakes.
Plus, there's a free six-pack
of ice-cold Billy Beer with every purchase.
They're sturdy, they're dependable,
they're factory fresh.
They're... They're... Hm.
Slightly used. They're...
Sticky Glue.
So strong it can suspend this cow
from an iron girder.
And so easy to use.
Just place between the thumb
and forefinger...
...gently squeeze, and...
And it really sticks.
Like that there.
I represent the Excelsior Appliance
and Appurtenance Company...
...with a complete line
of household appliances and appurt...
- Is the lady of the house in?
- No!
Here you are, folks.
Step right up. Step right up.
My company has authorized me to offer,
at slashed prices...
...this complete line of laugh provokers.
The little gem flower squirter.
Now, don't crowd. Don't crowd.
Well, isn't anybody gonna crowd?
How about a Joe Miller joke book?
Laughs galore.
Ajax rib-tickler, ma'am.
Amuse your boyfriend.
It's used like a...
It's nice.
Special price
on Chicken Inspector badge, sir.
It's only 13 cents.
Amuse your friends
with a 200-volt electric hand buzzer.
It's shocking.
MAN We interrupt this program for
the latest news on the health of tycoon...
...and financier, J.P. Cubish.
Special bulletin. J.P. Cubish, the
multimillionaire, is in a critical condition.
The ailing buzz-saw baron,
who has not laughed in 50 years...
...has been quoted saying
he'd give a million dollars...
...for one good laugh
before he passes on.
Suffering succotash,
what am I waiting for?
I'll make that old sad sack
bust a seam laughing.
Hmm. Imposing-looking pile.
Your troubles are over, Jeeves.
Lead me to your stricken master.
Be gone.
- Can't go in, huh?
- No.
Oh, well, no hard feelings. Shake.
Oh, you can see him. You can see him.
Right this way.
And that's just a sample.
Just a sample, Ruggles,
of what I can do for your master.
- Through here, sir.
- Thank you, boy.
Watch that first step, Meadows.
It's a dilly.
I was a bit dusty.
Zenith Little Giant Wall-Scaler.
What did you do to my teeth? What...?
- Skol.
- Skol.
Whoops! How are things in Glocca Mora?
Once and for all, I'm going to...
Not so fast, my man Godfrey.
It becomes increasingly apparent
that I'm not wanted around here.
Are we to assume that there is anything
significant in this attitude of yours?
That A, a butler might not want his master
to recover his good health?
- But I...
- That B...
...said butler should endeavor
to remove from the premises...
...the only person capable of restoring
said health to said master?
No, no.
Where were you
the night of April the 16th?
L... I...
A likely story.
I see it all now.
You and the upstairs maid.
"Do the old boy in," you said.
"Elderberry wine and old lace," you said.
Then, "The quick getaway," you said.
Rio de Janeiro, tropical nights, romance,
and a heavy bank account.
- No. No.
- Yes. Yes.
But you weren't smart enough, John,
alias Johnnie.
Alias Jack.
Alias Jackie.
What's Humphrey Bogart got
that I ain't got?
But I... But you...
But just to show you I'm not all copper...
...I'm gonna give you
a 10-minute head start.
- But I...
- Don't try to fight me now.
Hurry, they're on your trail!
Run! Out this way!
And stay on the straight and narrow.
Now to business. Lace your corset, J.P.
Here I come.
Mm-hm. Hmm.
Don't worry, gramps.
We'll have you fixed up in a jiffy.
What's that for, bub?
I haven't even started yet.
What's the matter?
You see anything green?
Any flies on me?
"And to my beloved mascot,
Daffy Duck...
...who has given me much solace
in my final days...
...I leave the bulk
of my financial assets...
...with the provision...
...that Daffy use the money
to exemplify the highest spirit...
...of American free enterprise...
...and display honesty
in all business affairs. "
Whoo-hoo! Success at last.
Ah. Upward mobility.
The smell of it.
Gads, that Cubish. What a rube.
Honesty in business affairs.
Honesty in business affairs.
How corny can you get?
I mean, what's he gonna do?
He can't take it with him.
Oh, no?
What? No.
Cut it out, would you?
You must use the money
for good in the world.
Yeah, use it for good.
Strange that you should mention that.
My very intention.
You took the words
right out of my mouth.
You must provide a service
to the community.
Yup. Uh-huh. Sure, sure.
Community service.
It's the American way.
Sheesh. What a hypocrite. What a gyp.
Community service, huh?
I'll give him community service.
I'll see to it that ingrate ghosts
are wiped from the face of the Earth.
I'll rid the world of disgusting
ectoplasmic slime like J.P. Cubish.
Nice ectoplasmic slime like J.P. Cubish.
Quite artistic, if I do say so myself.
Things are really looking up.
Nice new office, appropriate decor...
...and me, set to embark
on a potentially lucrative business endeavor.
Yup, the supernatural
is a wide-open field.
There are crackpots out there who think
they've seen a spook or something.
It's supply and demand.
They supply the ghosts
and I demand the money.
All of which is safely ensconced herein.
Sixteen million, 17...
Twenty-six, 27.
Okay, it's all here.
What's left of it, anyway.
Now all I need is some underlings
to boss around.
After all,
somebody's gotta do the dirty work.
Which reminds me,
where is that stupid rabbit?
He was supposed to be here an hour ago.
Thinks he's such a big star.
Not again. Eek!
What'd I say? What'd I say?
I know, I know.
It was what I said about the rabbit, right?
Well, I take it back. He's a swell rabbit.
He'll be a valued and trusted associate.
All right, all right,
I'll make him vice president.
Cubish! I'll get you yet!
Well, seeing is believing.
"Daffy Duck, paranormalist. "
That's right. Paranormalist.
We'll be a pair of paranormalists. Get it?
Perhaps you were wondering
why I called you here today.
Well, actually,
I was just in the neighborhood, and I...
You couldn't wait to lend your support
to my little crusade against the undead.
I tell you,
it's a crisis of epidemic proportions.
All these vampires, zombies
and men from Mars traipsing about.
The streets aren't safe.
Something's got to be done about it.
Okay, okay, but why me?
It's your civic responsibility.
The public will listen to you.
A veritable paragon of wholesome
family entertainment. Eck.
Gee, I don't know.
This was supposed to be my vacation,
Vacation, did you say?
We offer marvelous travel opportunities.
Palm Springs?
Well, close to it anyway.
How's the Bermuda Triangle?
We'll see what we can do.
Hmm. He looks cool-headed enough.
Time to test his mettle
under honest-to-goodness field conditions.
I'll give him the treatment.
- So is it a deal?
- Sure, sure. Just call me if you need me.
And by the way,
you never looked lovelier.
Heh-heh-heh. I love these novelty
accoutrements. They're a riot at parties.
But I wonder if that rabbit
will be able to cut the mustard.
Perhaps he needs a little backup.
Now for some creative recruitment
Porky Pig, huh?
Well, you couldn't ask for a better pigeon
than that.
And then there are the numerous
fringe benefits...
...such as our generous
employee insurance policies.
You may rest assured
that if anything happens to you...
...I'll be well taken care of.
- So are you in?
- Oh, why, yes, Mr. Duck.
I would dearly love to join forces
with your brave band of a para...
Of ghost exterminators.
- Do you think you have what it takes?
- Oh, yes, sir.
I'll give him the acid test.
Oh, and one more thing.
Anyone that works with me
should never get me riled.
Oh, and why not?
Because I'm a split personality.
That's why not. I'm two people in one.
A schiz... A schizophreniac.
When people are nice to me,
I'm sweet, gentle and loving.
Hello, baby. Nice, fat little butterball.
Oh, heh, heh, now, stop.
But when some wise
guy starts pushing me around, look out.
I turn into a hideous monster.
Get the idea, buster?
I do. I do. Indeed, I do.
And I'll be real nice and kind
and gentle to you.
Oh, brother. Have I got this chump going.
What a knucklehead...
...falling for that split-personality
monster gag.
That treacherous trickster.
I'll show him who's a knucklehead.
I'll give him a dose of his own medicine.
I hope I look scary enough.
Well, I think I'll go
scare some more daylights...
...out of the little butterball.
Suffering catfish.
I didn't realize I was that hideous.
I'm not.
Gosh, what a scaredy-cat.
Anybody who'd be scared
of a masquerade costume...
...is a craven little coward.
Take it easy, fat stuff.
I was just testing you.
Good news. You got the job.
You passed with flying colors.
You are too kind.
Daffy Duck, Bugs Bunny and Porky Pig...
...paranormalists at large.
Porky Pig speaking.
Yes. Why, yes, we do.
We'd be happy to send you
our free brochure.
Daffy Duck's the name,
the supernatural's my game.
What's that?
You say the Loch Ness monster...
...is living in your Jacuzzi?
Well, call Roto-Rooter.
Crank call.
All I can say is, never underestimate
the power of the media.
The phone's been ringing off the hook
ever since we started advertising on TV.
What the...? Now, how did he get in here?
How many times do I have to tell you?
No pets in the office.
Why don't you ever listen to me?
You got wax in your ears? L...
I've heard of deflation,
but this is preposterous.
Cease. Desist.
Wait, I get you.
I gotta be nicer to my slave labor, right?
Chubby over there.
I thought so. Say no more.
I'll treat him with kid gloves.
Sorry, Snuggles.
I didn't mean to startle you.
I may be in the chips...
...but I don't forget the little people
I've stepped on along the way.
I'll give you a raise. Two raises.
Bonuses galore. I'll... Oops!
Okay, that's it. Get out of here.
Why, I ought to...
What a sweet little fellow we are.
But my, don't we look peaked?
Sort of wan and sallow-like.
How thoughtless of me to have left you
cooped up in this stuffy old office.
There now.
Here's a nice spacious window ledge
for you to stretch out on.
Pardon me, Your Eminence.
I have some pap...
Some correspondence for you to sign.
Quiet. Our commercial's coming on.
- and your entire family.
Hello, folks.
I don't know about you, but as for me,
there's nothing more upsetting...
...than having a bunch of unwelcome ghosts
and ghouls clanking around the house.
Did you ever have
one of those mornings...
...when you wake up to a whole series
of unexplainable phenomena?
Hey. Hey, hey, what's up, doc? What...?
What's going on around here?
Where did...? Ahh!
Where am I, anyway? Yeek!
If you've ever had this problem...
And who hasn't?
- just call Daffy Duck,
Bugs Bunny and Porky Pig...
...paranormalists at large.
Spooks spooked, goblins gobbled,
UFOs KO'd, aliens alienated...
...vampires evaporated
and monsters remonstrated.
Just call 555-5925.
Remember, that's the same
as dialing 555-KWAK.
A masterpiece.
Even better the 47th time you see it.
But too bad the rabbit
had to overact so much.
Just being a pussycat
is a constant hazard.
They still haven't perfected flying.
I thought I saw a pussycat.
I'd better hide
or that bad old pussycat gonna get me.
No use hiding, bird.
I know you're around here somewhere.
You bad old pussycat.
Open up. Open up, I say.
Open this door or I'll knock it down.
I'll jump. I've got a choice? Ahh!
Fly! Fly faster!
Fly harder! Fly! Fly!
He's a killer! Help! Save me!
Ahh! Ahh!
Save me! He's a killer! Help!
Ha! I gotcha.
And just to make sure you don't get out
and that goon don't get in...
...I'm locking the door
and tossing the key out the window.
And now, for that Tweety sandwich
I've been dreaming of.
Stop squirming.
I can't stand a sore loser.
Now for a little seasoning.
There's cloves...
...Tabasco sauce...
What? No ketchup?
Well, I guess I'll just have to eat you
without ketch...
Help! Open the door!
Help! I'm locked in with a killer!
Ahh! Help! Help! Ahh! Ahh!
Help! Save me! Ahh! Ahh!
Save me! He's a killer! Help!
Most outrageous exhibition
of wanton cowardice.
Tsk, tsk, tsk. Shameful.
Yeah, shameful.
Sylvester, now, where have you been?
What's gotten into you?
He's a complete basket case.
One word.
Why, that's just a little old canary bird
fluttering in the breeze.
You yellow dog of a cowardly Sylvester,
Now, Sylvester, come on off of there.
Yes, yes?
- Hmm. Yes.
- You ought to be declawed...
...you silly ninny, you.
Okay, that's it. You're done. Fired.
Pink-slipped without pay.
How's about you and your darling pet...
...taking a little excursion...
...to the resort town of Dry Gulch.
There's something screwy
going on down there.
Terror in the tumbleweeds,
that sort of thing.
Never fear.
My eagle eye will be ever alert
to anything out of the ordinar... Ordinar...
To anything unusual.
Gosh, Sylvester, isn't it wonderful?
An all-expense-paid vacation.
Hey, easy on the expenses, Jack.
And take that panicky feline with you.
Come along now,
you pusillanimous pussycat, you.
Well, Sylvester, here we are.
Dry Gulch, our first assignment.
Golly, I've always wanted to be...
Go out West.
Haven't you, Sylvester?
It's so quaint and picturesque.
I don't think
we're ever going to find any gho...
Poltergeists out here.
Dry Gulch Hotel. How opportune.
I hope they're not full up.
Come on, Sylvester. I'm afraid
we'll just have to wake somebody up.
What the...?
Oh, don't be ridiculous.
Now, come on. Get down from there.
I ought to clobber you.
Come on, you great yellow cat, you.
What now?
Brother, the things I have to put up with
with this idiotic cat.
It's just a little teeny harmless spider,
you shameless craven, you.
Now, come on. I'm sleepy.
I'll just ring for the night clerk.
I guess they're all asleep.
So I think we'd better just sign the register
and look up a room for ourselves.
We'll straighten the whole thing out
in the morning.
All right, what's the big idea pushing me?
Oh, don't be such an idiot.
What are you, a schizophre...?
A schizophre...?
A manic-depressive or something?
What are you trying to do,
wake everybody in the house?
Of all the screwball ideas.
Fighting with stuffed animals.
Heh-heh-heh. Weren't we lucky
to find an unoccupied suite, Sylvester?
Now, let's go to sleep.
You'll feel a lot better in the morning.
Psychopathic old pussy cat, you.
What...? I can't breathe.
What's going...? Hey, hey, hey.
...what are you doing with that rope?
And that razor?
That settles it. Out you go.
Out, out, out!
What...? Get off of me. Get out of here.
What's the big idea?
What are you up to now, Sylvester?
you come out of there this instant.
Oh, cut it out.
Of all the nonsense.
I guess the only way you'll be safe
from the bogeyman...
...is to sleep here with me.
You poltroon of a chicken cat, you.
Tell me, Sylvester,
is there any insanity in your family?
What a lovely morning.
This really is a restful place.
You know, I think we'll just stay here
for a week or 10 days...
...and get really rested up.
Yow! Yipes! Yow! Yay!
Bothered by monsters?
Not to worry.
Our highly-skilled professional staff...
...is equipped to handle
any supernatural emergency...
...using only
the most advanced techniques.
My associate shall now demonstrate.
My stars.
Where did you ever get
that awful hairdo?
It doesn't become you at all.
Here, for goodness' sake. Let me fix it up.
Look how stringy and messy it is.
What a shame.
Such an interesting monster too.
My stars, if an interesting monster
can't have an interesting hairdo...
...then I don't know
what things are coming to.
In my business,
you meet so many interesting people.
Bobby pins, please.
But the most interesting ones
are the monsters.
Oh, dear, that'll never stay.
We'll just have to have a permanent.
Now, I've gotta give an interesting old lady
a manicure...
...but I'll be back before you're done.
So, folks, call Daffy Duck,
Bugs Bunny and Porky Pig...
...paranormalists at large.
Spooks spooked, goblins gobbled,
UFOs KO'd, aliens alienated...
...vampires evaporated
and monsters remonstrated.
Just call 555-5925.
Remember, that's the same
as dialing 555-KWAK.
Daffy Duck, anything for a buck.
Mr. Duck, I seem to be having trouble
with my kitchen appliances.
Listen, lady, this ain't no electrician's.
Well, it isn't quite that kind of trouble.
Your ad says paranormal expert, and...
Oh, I get it. Monsters in the microwave,
bats in the blender, that sort of thing.
No problem.
Just slip into something out of this world
and I'll be right over.
A damsel in distress,
and in a swanky part of town.
Okay, so where's the fire?
It's in the oven, I presume.
Whoops. My mistake.
Nothing a little Uzi-Off couldn't fix.
Must be the frost-free kind. Whew.
I could use some liquid refreshment.
Say, lady,
where do you keep your glasses?
They're in the cupboard.
Hmm. It's getting a little crowded
in here.
What say we mosey on
into someplace a little more cozy-like...
...and talk things over.
So you have these Tupperware parties
Oh, Daffy, you're so witty.
Yes, I am witty at that.
How very perceptive of you to notice.
Oh, Daffy, I'm so scared.
And it's so comforting to have
a short, dark, handsome duck...
...like you to protect me.
You will help me, won't you?
Sure, sweetums. It's in the bag.
With a little cooperation
and the proper setting...
...we could hold hands
and have a seance.
Handy things, these seances.
Gosh, I don't know my own strength.
Come on down to Papa, baby.
Oh! Big, strong Daffy-waffy gonna
protect little itty-bitty me?
Oh, brother,
not another schizophrenic dame.
Hey, Sybil,
any more like you in the family?
Could you send back
that older sister of yours?
Ou-yay upid-stay erk-jay.
And I thought French
was a romantic language.
Mary had a little lamb...
...but I ate it.
So tell me, mein frulein...
...when did you start hearing
these voices?
Was it something in your childhood,
Buried deep in your subconscious mind?
Search your memory.
You're blocking.
This is a little over my head.
Here we are.
How to Exorcise. Just the ticket.
If this doesn't get her, nothing will.
"One and two and three and four.
One and two and three and... "
My error.
Here it is. The real McCoy.
"Of utmost importance
in the exorcism of spirits...
...is to keep them amused. "
Keep them amused, huh? I'll slay them.
A guy came up to me,
said he hadn't had a bite in weeks...
...so I bit him.
Howdy, stranger.
Just flew in from another world, huh?
I'll bet your arms are tired.
Hmm. They don't seem all that amused.
Maybe it's a culture gap.
I'll try something a little closer to home.
Did you hear the one about the girl
who didn't pay her exorcist bill?
Her soul got repossessed.
What? Who? Huh?
Why, I feel like my old self again.
Nothing to it, really,
for one of my sophisticated wit.
That tickles.
Oh, my hero.
Y'all come back now, you hear?
Whew. What a fiasco.
House calls are definitely hazardous
to my health.
Let's see what my nemesis has been up to
in my absence.
The money supply is dwindling.
I'm down to my last million.
Yes, please, anything.
Porky Pig reporting for duty,
O noble leader.
Oh, it's you. So, what's the story?
Any ghouls in them there hills?
Sorry, sir. A perfectly uneventful trip.
Except for this terrible headache.
I guess I'm not used to
the brisk desert climate.
Well, there's something screwy going on
around there, buddy.
I've been getting lots of calls
about suspicious-like activity.
Why don't you head on down
to the Superstition Mountains...
...and do some more snooping?
You're bound to find some rich nut
who's superstitious enough...
...to pay us royally for our services.
Boldly go where no pig has gone before.
Great news, Sylvester.
We're off to the Superstition Mountains.
Bills, bills, bills.
It's positively stultifying.
But I don't mind paying them.
Nice bills, good bills.
Can't get enough of them.
Some rich sucker for the supernatural
better materialize soon.
Daffy Duck, paranormalist par excellence.
this is a person-to-person collect call...
...to Mr. Daffy Duck
from outer Transylvania.
Go ahead, please.
I want to bite your neck.
No, no. Don't drive that
wooden stake through my heart.
Transylvania? Yuck!
What a gruesome assignation.
But still, somebody's gotta go there.
I can't afford to leave any stone
Ah. I got it. I'll stick the nasty job
on that underemployed rabbit.
After all, I did promise him
travel opportunities and...
- Go ahead, it's your quarter.
- Guess what, pal?
I pulled a few strings, sliced through
some bureaucratic red tape, and...
You mean I get to go to Palm Springs?
Well, not to Palm Springs exactly,
but someplace even balmier.
Scenic Transylvania,
tourist spot of the Western world.
I hear it's simply breathtaking
this time of year.
Just call me when you get there
and we'll map out your strategy.
Oh! Wow, what a belt.
These Transylvanian hardwoods
ain't too soft.
Who is that delicious young creature,
Uh-oh. Good morning, ladies... Lady.
Could you direct me
to the nearest telephone?
Doesn't he look sweet and crunchy,
Oh, well, never mind.
I'll just check at that motel over there.
Boy, they don't make places like this
Be a wonderful place for a vacation.
Sorry to disturb you, sir.
I'd like to use your telephone.
- I know it's late, but...
- Oh, no, it's never too late.
- Come in.
- Yeah, well...
...you see, I just wanna call my partner
in the U.S. A...
...to tell him I've arrived
in your charming country.
Boy, keen-looking lobby they got here.
Telephones, telephones.
Why do hotels
always hide the telephone...
Oh, yeah. You must be the head waiter.
Count Bloodcount, at your service, sir.
Yeah. Well, look, Con,
about those telephones.
Telephones? Telephones?
Oh, yes. Right this way.
Say, nice little place
you've got here, doc.
Interesting decor. Homey, comfortable.
Nice recreational facilities.
Nothing like family portraits
to brighten up a place, I always say.
This is your room.
Yeah, sure, doc, but I don't want a room.
I just want a telephone.
Rest first. Telephone tomorrow.
Rest is good for the blood.
Well, I am a little fatigued.
Goodbye, little friend.
I mean, good night.
Asleep yet?
Well, ring if you need anything.
Cyanide or like that.
Same old problem.
I just can't sleep in a strange bed
no matter how nice the place is.
Hey, that's what I need,
something to read.
Mm. "Magic Words and Phrases. "
Sounds interesting. Yeah.
Uh... "Magic can be performed
either by potions...
...or by the use of magic words
and phrases.
Among the most powerful of these...
...is the word aba... Abracadabra. "
Yeah. Oh, sure it is. Sick humor.
"It is to laugh magic words... "
Golly, what big mosquitoes
they do have around here.
Hold still, you little devil. There.
"Another highly useful magic word
is hocus-pocus. "
- Anyone we know, Agatha?
- No.
Splendid-looking specimen, though.
Boy, I hope the restaurant's still open.
I haven't eaten since I left Cucamonga.
Another one.
They ought to screen this place.
I am a vampire.
Oh, yeah? Well, abracadabra.
I'm an umpire.
I'm a bat.
Okay, I'm a bat too.
You wouldn't hit
a bat with glasses on, would you?
Now I crush you.
Newport News.
Wow, I can do better than that.
Walla Walla, Washington.
Oh, girls.
Emily, look. It's our little friend.
Look, Emily.
Isn't it romantic?
I always said,
four heads are better than one.
Well, a telephone at last.
Hello, operator?
Could you please connect me with a certain
Mr. Daffy Duck in New York City, U.S.A.?
So, what's the bad word?
Anything inexplicable
to write home about?
No, nothing special.
But I did manage
to bring together two lovely couples...
...who have a lot in common.
What do you think we're running here,
a matrimonial agency?
Just like that rabbit.
The company's crashing down around me
and he gets sentimental.
Let's see, now. Let's see. Form A, 62-B.
I can deduct 30 thou because of
my winning personality, but wait.
According to schedule 77...
...since I was born in a month
with an R in it...
...I can write off this, subtract that,
carry the one and...
These new simplified tax forms
are driving me nuts.
Setbacks, setbacks.
Ah. I got it. I'll claim my deceased
Uncle Robespierre Duck as a dependent.
What the IRS don't know
won't hurt them.
Nothing simpler
than a little juggling of the books.
Oh, come on, I like to juggle books.
It's good, clean, harmless fun.
See? Juggling.
It's my hobby.
- Uh, hello?
- Himalayas.
A giant monster running amok,
ruining tourist trade.
Come quick. Help!
The Himalayas. Duty calls.
I'll hop down there,
make short order of this Bigfoot thing...
...and they'll generously reward me
with Tibetan beads and trinkets.
But, you know,
giant monsters aren't exactly my forte.
I could use a front man
to take some of the lumps.
Hmm. Sounds to me like another
menial task for that dumb bunny.
Transylvania, Transylvania.
Where is that stupid number?
- Yes?
- Hello, Bugs? Daffy here.
How's about a nice executive junket to...?
No, not Palm Springs.
To the rugged Himalayas.
Seems the local yokels have a problem
with some giant.
Must be some kind
of a native superstition.
Here we are, the Himalayas.
What a way for a duck to travel:
Crimenetlies, it's cold.
Good thing I packed my winter wardrobe.
I don't see any giant.
Hey, come to think of it,
I don't even see any Himalayans.
You know, if we just reroute
through Albuquerque...
...we could probably hit Palm Springs
by this afternoon.
You and your one-track mind.
First things first, buster.
There's still the little matter of this giant
to take care of.
Guess I'll backtrack a bit.
I must have missed something
on the way.
All right,
what's holding up the works?
What's all the...?
Oh, what a cute little pink bunny rabbit.
Just what I always wanted.
My own little bunny rabbit.
I will name him George
and I will hug him...
...and pet him and squeeze him.
I'm not a bunny rabbit.
And pat him and pet him and...
You're hurting me. Put me down, please.
And rub him and caress him and...
I ain't no bunny rabbit!
Not a bunny rabbit, George?
Then how come you have long ears?
- How come?
- Long ears?
Those aren't ears. Those are sleeves.
So now put me down, please, huh?
Oh, George, you were naughty
to pretend you was a bunny rabbit.
I will punish you good.
Bad old George.
Look, doc,
I know where there's a real bunny rabbit.
A very cuddly and a fuzzy rabbit.
And then, after a carrot burger
and a malt in Albuquerque...
Oh, Bugsy. Bugsy, buddy.
Oh, hi. What's up, duck?
Come here, old pal.
My own little bunny rabbit.
Hey, an abominable snowman.
I will name him George
and I will hug him and...
Oh, sure. I know I'm a louse.
But I'm a live louse.
And I will give him security.
And I will keep him warm
like a mother hen...
...so he will never feel rejected
or lack for love.
Poor old Bugs.
But anyway you look at it,
it's better he should suffer.
After all, it was me or him,
and obviously, it couldn't be me.
It's a simple matter of logic.
I'm not like other people.
I can't stand pain. It hurts me.
Okay, Abom, here's your bunny rabbit.
A bunny rabbit, George?
- Bunny rabbit? Me?
- Yes, you, doc.
Very funny. Ha, ha. Very droll.
Hey, Shorty...
...what do you consider to be the
distinguishing characteristics of a rabbit?
Uh... Distinguishing character...
Yeah, yeah.
What makes a rabbit look like a rabbit?
Why, the long ears.
And whom around here has long ears?
Sorry to have to do this to you, bud.
Eh. Don't give it a second thought.
Oh, boy. Just what I always wanted,
my own little bunny rabbit.
They really do make a charming couple.
Pet him and squeeze him and rub him...
...and stroke his bill
and rub his pretty feathers.
Hey. Wait a minute.
Bunny rabbits
don't have feathers and bills.
I know. I know.
There goes your bunny rabbit.
Hey, George.
Ho, ho!
Look out, bunny rabbit. This I gotta see.
And I searched and I searched.
Whew. It's hot.
But I never caught up
with my little bunny rabbit.
Gee, that's tough, Mr. Adomin-abable.
And now I'll never...
Gosh, it's hot.
- Never see my bunny rabbit again.
Don't give up hope, yet, doc.
If you love him, he'll come back.
Well, here I am.
Massacre started yet? Fireworks gone off?
Balloon gone up?
Oh, boy. A bunny rabbit.
Just what I always wanted.
I will name him George.
And I will hug him and squeeze him
and pet him and pat him and...
Hey, what do you know? He melted.
He really was a snowman.
Abominable, that is.
Ahh! Eek!
Still bothered by monsters?
Don't despair.
Our company offers a fine line
of magic potions and unguents.
Guaranteed to rid the home
of your supernatural pests.
Whoops. Here they come.
Mm. Not bad.
So, folks, call Daffy Duck,
Bugs Bunny and Porky Pig...
...paranormalists at large.
Spooks spooked, goblins gobbled,
UFOs KO'd, aliens alienated...
...vampires evaporated
and monsters remonstrated.
Daffy Duck, ace paranormalist,
at your service.
Hello? Hello, Mr. Duck?
I wanna report an elephant
in my birdbath.
I beg your pardon, sir.
You say there's an elephant
in your birdbath?
Uh-oh. An obvious nutcase.
So there's an elephant in your birdbath.
Yeah, well, how does he fit in it, sir?
Yeah. I see.
The elephant in your birdbath
is only 5 and a quarter inches tall.
Definitely non compos mentis.
Better summon the authorities.
No, no. You wait right there, sir.
Somebody will be coming
to call on you very shortly.
- Now, what was that address again?
- 112 North Highland.
Yeah, that's right. Please, hurry.
Steady, now, lad. Easy does it.
But I did.
I did see an elephant in my birdbath.
Sure, sure, I know.
I keep a giraffe in mine.
You're late.
He always used to be pink.
And Mother used to scold me
when I was only 3.
She'd say, "Dolores, you're not seeing
little lavender men in the sugar bowl. "
But I did, doctor.
And then when I went to nursery school,
my teacher, Mrs. Swanson...
She was a synthetic blond.
Well, Mrs. Swanson used to spank me,
spank me hard, even with...
I think it all began when Father
refused to take me to the circus.
I was a fragile child of 6.
Say, this teensy-elephant thing
has spread like wildfire.
Right up my alley.
A golden opportunity to go on TV
and placate the citizenry.
It can't fail.
I'll soothe their troubled brows...
...and be showered with goodies
by a grateful populace.
Good evening, I'm Zed Toppel,
and this is Frightline.
Tonight, the miniature elephant.
Is it real, or is it merely a figment
of our overactive imaginations?
A product of our troubled times.
Our guest is the noted metaphysician,
Mr. Daffy Duck...
...who may be able to shed some light
on this otherwise dark corner...
...of our national obsession with...
- Yeah, sure. Thank you, Zed.
Folks, this so-called miniature elephant
couldn't possibly exist.
Now, I can accept something plausible.
Ghosts? Okay. Vampires? Fine.
- But itsy-bitsy elephants? That's silly.
- Ha-ha-ha-ha.
That's just stupid. That's not even...
The insult. The ignominiousness.
Publicly disgraced
on a coast-to-coast hookup.
Wait a minute. I can still get out of this.
It's that TV station. I'll sue them.
It's their fault.
No, wait. I was simply misinformed.
It's my advisor, that pig.
The perfect patsy.
Nobody will believe him.
He's a nincompoop.
Yeah, that's it. It was his fault. Yeah.
Who's to know? What the hay?
There's nothing wrong with
a little dishonesty in business affairs.
What am I saying?
I'm finished.
Strapped. Kaput.
Ah-ha. It's the door. Opportunity knocks.
Telegram for Mr. Daffy Duck.
From the Cheapskate Savings and Loan.
We're sorry but we must confess
Your rent's not paid, you're in a mess
It's amazing.
Vacate to a new address
You can't stay here
You're dispossessed
Good evening, friends
It's unbelievable.
Heads up, moving men.
But honest and truly,
the check's in the mail.
Sorry, Mac.
Now what?
One thing's for sure.
I got nowhere else to go but up.
Too bad. Too bad.
So much trouble in the world today.
Hey, garon.
How about another carrot juice
on the rocks?
Isn't this wonderful, Sylvester?
Camping way out here
in the middle of nowhere.
So peaceful and quiet.
Hey. What...?
Relinquish me,
you foul, gibbering feline, you.
That's just a little old scraggily coyote
baying at the moon.
You yellow dog of a cowardly cat, you.
Come and get them, folks.
Come and get them while they last.
Trick spiders, plastic blobs,
ghost goop, garlic wreathes...
...and other miscellaneous
supernatural knickknacks.
Well, how's about these simply adorable
windup dolls?
- Just $ 1 apiece.
- Why, yes, I'll take one of those.
You will? Really?
Gee, thanks.