Daisy Derkins vs. The Bloodthirsty Beast of Barren Pines! (2019) Movie Script
1
thanks for the ride
no problem that's
what we're doing
getting out there meeting the fans
people like you
get over yourself vex is embarrassing
in what way
I'm sure she's never heard of us
What are you guys like in a band or
something
Are we in a band?
fuck yeah I wanna ban the only band that
fucking matters
isn't that the clash?
Thank You max could use a little
humbling
fuck humility, humility is for
losers little Missy I am vex do penance
and this it's catatonic fuck puppet
catatonic fuck puppet that's awesome
fucking a it's awesome so your pumpkin
Fuckin A it's awesome
So you're punk I'm guessing?
Yes that's exactly right
we are punk rock stupendous you said I'm
Vex Stupendous you said?
I'm Daisy
Heck Catastrophe
Mia DeSpell
Nice great names everyone
Thankyou
So you guys are on tour then?
Right baby we're on fuckin tour whoo whoo
more like tour of upstate Pennsylvania
And this is the tour bus?
Sad isn't it
Mia shut your fucking hole even the
clash started small
you mean like opening up for the Sex
Pistols fuck your mouth
Fuck you're mouth
tell me we got it tell me we got it tell
me we got it we got it
We got it
now shut your fucking germ hole
Geez what's with you two, we should be
celebrating not sulking
It's not the time to celebrate, we're not out of this yet
What the fuck happened in there you guys weren't
like this earlier what did
Nothing
nothing happened
we went and strong we got the money and we
left it was all very smooth and
professional I won your soul
I already opened the fucking safe for you
What else do you want from me?
I want your soul
Oh shit
come on you motherfucker
keep on coming get more MORE
and more
I'll just keep killing you again and again and
again I love to kill
Yeah, we were the epitome of cool right scarlet?
Cool as the flesh on a stripping zombie
You guys are fucking weird, you know that?
Alright then numb nuts are you gonna fix it or smell it?
I don't know what's wrong with this man
I've tried everything I know about cars
why don't you think of something?
I know fuck all about cars dude
I just write the lyrics . Mia use your wick and
shit magic magic and magic do it
You're an idiot
oh let's see you write a song you sloppy twot
I have cock face I used to write for WAD
remember
Yeah right, before they fucking fired you
WAD?
Yeah i's the band I used to be in. It stands for Weapons of Ass Destruction
oh of course I love weapons
of ass destruction
Oh course she knows that band
That's cuz they're actually good
Yeah but they never fucking hit it big until they
fired you're sorry alabaster ass
Get fucked vex Catatonic fuck puppet
is nothing without me nothing
I'm the sex appeal
Yeah slutty chick
bassist like you or a dime-a-dozen
I could replace you like this.
Guys really? This isn't getting us
anywhere
well mom the cars fucking shot what do you suggest we do?
we should walk back up
the main road and then follow it until we find a town
I didn't get into punk rock to walk places
no way and where's all the pussy I heard about?
you'll get nothing of the sort
from me
look if you just bring your fucking
iPhone we wouldn't be in this mess right now
well I was all about bringing the
iPhone it was vex here who talked me out
of.
He was like the iPhone is the antithesis of
punk-rock remember
I didn't say anything like that but I think we should listen
to a WOD groupie over here I think we
should go down the road and see what's
what
but what of our instruments and our
stuff are we just gonna leave that out here?
well it's not like we have any
other choice and who the fuck's gonna
steal our shit
we can't afford to take
that chance
fine you fucking difficult bitch but one
of us is gonna have to stay behind and
babysit the fucking car
me I'll do it
I'll do it
are you sure man I mean we're kind of be
a while it's a hike
hey that's fine with me
I need a good long rest from all you
Jokers that's good in my book
hey I'm heck catastrophe not fucking Bono
for sure alright you mooks let's
get going
have fun hiking losers I'm going to sit
here and start writing my memoirs
oh well good luck with that who wants to
read your fucking life story oh you'd be
surprised asshole I love them much more
fascinating life than you have I know
you are but what am i that doesn't even
make sense shit father face doesn't it
guys
please my dark bag just may not be able
to fix a car but it'd be more than
enough to erase your hideous vissage
from existence
I bet back this is really productive for
you guys
oh another sarcastic caustic
ironic bitch like I don't have enough of
that in my life
Fuck you
how far away is this place anyway?
It's far, very far
That's the whole fucking point
To be far way from where we committed our illegal act of robbery
can someone else drive for a while because I'm fucking tired
bitch bitch bitch. Do you know what we did to bitch bitch bitches on the inside?
bitch?
No tell me
Tell her scar
We tried to touch their titties
What' that?
I mean you know, we hit them. Hard
That's right
And then we'd fuck them with a broom handle or something
By that point they just let us
Yeah so hear that bitch?
Yeah but
keep on bitching
bitching I have a club theft-deterrent
in the trunk with your pussy's name all over it.
Did you really name her pussy? I thought I was the only one who did that.
I'll tell you what I named mine if you tell me what you named yours.
Shut the fuck up you freak
that's last thing I want to hear
would you both
shut the fuck up for just a minute
listen to this the thieves were
described by eyewitnesses as female hot
as all hell and sicker than a shithouse
rat were seen speeding off in a green
1999 Dodge Caravan if you see anyone
matching that description or that kind
of car we advise you to keep a safe
distance and alert authorities
immediately whether in traffic
you know
what this means right
besides being female personal knows
about us
no yes
it's pretty nice isn't it
I'm more interested in the crazier than
a shithouse rat description why would
they say that I thought you guys were
cool and professionally keep on bitching
bitch no means we got to ditch the car
it's gonna get us caught we're in the
middle of nowhere we need transportation
and I guess we're just gonna have to use
what evolution gave us beep you mean
we're gonna pull over get out and hike
no we have to get rid of the car first
because if they find the car then it
won't be very long until they find us so
I guess we're just gonna have to push it
off a cliff or into a lake or something
Oh can we do both like push the car off a cliff
into a lake
if we find a cliff over a lake then sure
I'm not getting a good feeling about
this bitch bitch
have you ever gonna fish in your twot?
okay yo Kenny I get it all stop bitching
that wasn't a threat, that was just a question I'm curious
How could I get mixed up with you people?
I'd offer you some shelling mr. Van
Cleef but you do not strike me as a
chosen you're very perceptive mr. Van
roughhousing I don't sip I suck
yes thank you
but you're right I am very perceptive
that's part of why I'm so successful in
my business sure my detractors will say
that I'm in a position that I am in
simply because from the father wasn't
old money but it's just a small part
of story and I can go on and on
anyway would you care for some other
vivacious maybe something it made harder
no sir I'm here for business business
and business alone
you know I had
feeling what's going to like you you
come to a business meeting and get
straight down to business
you'd be surprised how rare that is
these days
well I'm what do you call it old
school and I don't like to pussyfoot
around
no you don't you're a straight shooter
and this is of course while you were
here
but speaking of pussy I was walking
today by three of the female persuasion
I am aware of it the news is all over
the gay community
well I can't have
people thinking they just simply walk
into my legitimate businesses and leave
with my money it looks bad for me looks
bad for my businesses both legitimate in
other words in order to maintain my
stature community I require respect and
more importantly fear of the people
I use fear I use fear and I create a
psychological strategy they call me the
Puma before people know it they're my
slaves they're under my power
and I can get them using fear I can get
them to do anything I want anything at
all
you and I are on the same page Mr Van Cleef
these three of the female persuasion has
stolen from me already people are
talking and if word gets around that
someone got away with this I lose some
of their fear and they never recapture
that power it is imperative to send a
message a very strong message that if
you be so foolish to take from me hell
will find you and you will be sorry
well mr. Van ruffhausen my middle name
is Hell and I know how to give hell I
know how to take Hell and I know how to
make hell for everyone who comes into
contact with me
outstanding but just to
be clear this is not a Dead or Alive
scenario understood?
when I'm involved that's always
understood
and you're sure you're not
one of those professional killers like
in the movies with a strong ethical code
no women no children or anything like
that?
Haha, ethical code?
Let me tell you. For me, a bounty is just a bounty it has no it has no sexual
orientation
it's not a man or a woman or
or an animal
it's a bounty and I use those bounties
to wipe people up just like the paper
towel of the same name
good
that's the attitude one should have in your
line of work just one last thing
you're don't have any weird hangups
or anything do anything that might
prevent you from completing your job
how
dare you nothing distracts me
nothing not even a six-pack of young
hotties these females are supposedly
rather attractive so we don't worried
that this might keep you thinking about
something else rather than money
come on money is all I think about I'm a
dirty Jew after all and and and I don't
think about those things that you might
be thinking about I am a professional
you know it's not so much about titties
and by the way that's a very low-class
word love pillows is what I would say
sir but in my book it's tea tea tea tea
tea tea it's it's fine
yes track them torture them terminate
them that's great
you should get a trade mark very well
mr. Van Cleve you convinced me the
contract is yours just remember if the
law gets them first you get nothing if a
jury affords the luxury of due process
and fair trial but it's hardly the
message I'm trying to send understood
Understood
tea tea tea tea tea tea
sorry sonbitch never had a chance
look at em
goddamn massacre
it ain't pretty blaze
this ain't about no big score neither
about killing plain and simple
yeah but they stole the money Blaze
I know they stole the money all right I can
see that I'm just saying it was about
more than that I mean they didn't have to kill these
people they they they they wanted to
they enjoy killing just look at this
carnage Colt they enjoy it
but maybe ballistics will show the guards fired
first think of that
Come again
Perhaps these ladies acted in self-defense
Self defense, you here that?
they was robbing the damn place
still
the guards didn't have to shoot at em
And who in the name of Charles H Darwin are you?
oh I'm uh Asmodeus Herod CSI
Wow
yeah crime solving just got a hell of a
lot more gayer
you were thinking that too huh
big time
anyways I was saying these girlies might
be pretty but they're about as deadly as a Menstruating Sidewinder with the hiv
God that's pretty damn deadly Blaze
damn
right we're gonna have to think like them
too if we're ever gonna catch them
shit
shit is right Colt my boy I'm gonna have
to travel into a very savage animalistic
hellish landscape within our very
selves if we're gonna have a chance
against these bloodthirsty maniacs
I'm gonna have to travel into the very
heart of darkness if you will but just
you be careful when you glance into the
Abyss young Colt as every one moment it
could be enough to change you and lure
you into a drooling depraved monster for
the rest of your days
hey guys I'm gonna
go get Starbucks new guy buying you guys
want lattes you wait you might be a chai
guy good yes
no I got it I got it it's cool thanks
guys
what the fuck
city faggots
Wow
If we don't get to that show in time they're gonna kick us of the fuckin tour
we need that tour like invaluable
exposure
Right, because opening for kitten crawling into orifices was really getting us places
Like the ass end of Pennsylvania for example
there are people out here Mia
there are kids kids with anger and
drinking problems and our music speaks
to those kids
you actually think your music means
something to somebody but that's almost
cute like a puppy with horrible birth
defects
you know what man that's as
close to a compliment as I've ever heard
from you I want to take it so what's
your deal Daisy and try to give me the
less cryptic version if you could
what
she says she's hunting evil do you need
her to draw you a fucking picture
Oh ha fucking ha seriously are you the
least bit curious
I'm not trying to be
cryptic I've got nothing to hide
so what the fuck are you really doing out here
then
investigating claims of a local
legend
then why don't you just say that
in the first place that doesn't sound so
strange
what do you like write for a magazine
like weird New Jersey
no I'm not a
writer
Like are you at school?
Is this your thesis
no I stopped going I
stopped out there I discovered that my
true calling was something that never
could be taught in a classroom
oh no this doesn't have anything to do with
Jesus does it
oh please tell me it's not
I stopped believing in God the night my
friends were killed
oh I'm sorry
killed a by an evil
soulless monster the likes of which no God
would have ever created or have allowed to walk
on his earth
sounds like a really awful
person
no it wasn't a person
I'm not saying monster in a figurative
sense I'm talking about a real fucking
monster with three heads fangs and eerie
glowing eyes
a real fucking monster
that's exactly what's out here in these
woods and that's why I came here
I discovered I had a gift that night a
gift to be able to look evil square in
the eye to grapple with evil in Hand to hand
combat and win the monster I slew that
and I will claim no more lives of
innocent victims neither will this one
stupid-ass motherfucker making fun of me
heck catastrophe for writing my memoirs
this shit's gonna be riveting a real
page-turner number one on the New
York Times bestseller list material he
does not know what I have seen whoa what
was that? Vex? Mia? the new girl? shit
Mia no wear bacon hangers from Wendy's
for you you gotta lay off that shit whoa
that's that shook the whole fucking car
they don't get earthquakes around here
do they
I'm getting back in the car before
something fucked up happens
no fucking
way
Dinosaur!
why the fuck do I have to carry this
you two have done time you got bigger fucking
arms than me
all the better to break you
with my dear
now shut the fuck up and accept your
loan that's like a good little mule oh
man that was fucking awesome some shit
pushing that car off the fucking cliff
and then what oh wait right beneath it
boom awesome
yeah we really got the most
out of a whole car ditching experience
didn't we
yeah a car off a cliff into a
lake cross it off my bucket list now
you
already have a bucket list
yeah I don't plan on living long
that's comforting
our whole goal was to find another car
why didn't we stick by the road and you
people could I don't know whatever it is
you do carjack them
we're not gonna
find a car way out here
Quite easily actually
what the fuck is
that supposed to mean
straight ahead
yeah cuz I'm gonna see a
car not bloody likely
see for yourself bitch
shit that was unexpected
go check it out
seems someone was here recently
yeah writing his memoirs
you guys
oh fuck
what is it
look
Oh shit
Somebody was just fuckin
slaughtered here
Blood's not even try it
this just happened
oh my god
who could have done this
thinking bear
may be
certainly no human
Unless it was that guy Doug you met on craigslist remember him
yes I remember
Doug please never mentioned Doug
again especially when I'm on edge and
wielding a deadly weapon
Duly noted.
And Maria go
check the car see if it's working
what no fucking way I am NOT going in
there
why not
whatever did this couldn't possibly fit
in the car
fuck do you know it could be
a gremlin or fucking honey badger
they don't give a shit
annamaria will you stop being a retarded
fucking bitch and go check the car for me
if you're so sure there's nothing in
there why don't you fucking check it
because I'm asking you nicely please go
check the car for me I'll fucking cover
you in case anything happens which it
won't
fine but I want a bigger cut
you'll get
no such thing now go my patience is at
an end
Fine, fuck
fuck what am I doing here with these
crazy fucking people this is not the
life I wanted
Are the keys in there?
yes
in the ignition?
yes
Turn em see what happens
is there anything lurking in the seat
behind me
no you're fine there's nothing
back there
go on
alright alright here goes
it's not working
try it again
no nothing it's dead
are you sure?
yes I'm
fucking sure you want to try
no you can
get out
gee thanks
so now what
so now we just keep moving
further into the woods where this thing
that devoured this poor guy is and now
as it taste for human flesh
either that or we turn ourselves in to
the authorities do you really want to be
locked up with us annamaria
no
and we've
got guns and ammo we are more than
prepared to deal with whatever gets in
our way
if you say so
now let's grab the
bag and let's go
um since this car is no
good and do you think we can push it off
the cliff into the lake
Scarlett that
cliff was over a mile away
is that a no then cuz I mean they might
just you know they're our last chance to
do it
that moment has passed scarlet it
was something magical that we all shared
but it's over now we'll always have the
memory and that'll have to do
yeah yeah
I have to pee
so go but be quick about it
fuck you're demanding
apparently not
enough look at the company I keep
Oh
Kunti - twit with a cunning wit how cute
excuse me while I go relieve my bladder
on these bushes bitch
you guys are
friends right
I don't like that word
you
don't have to keep up with the sneering
punk-rock attitude around me and there's
no one else around no cameras and no
audience I won't tell anyone if you
admit to caring about someone
It's got nothing to do with Punk I'm not posing
or posturing I mean you've spent some
time with him now
he's fucking repugnant
okay shut up shut
up shut up you're gonna have a very fast
sex change operation now now you gonna
answer some questions, you're gona answer them fast and succinct
First of all who are you
I'm Vex Stupendous
What kind of a stupid name is that? Answer
what are you doing out here
in the woods
We're looking for a car or a town
or a person
Congratulations, I'm a person so you found me ha ha ha what is it
What is you want out here?
We're looking for help
Yeah what kind of help?
Who?
Why are you so aggressive?
Well it all began with my mother, you see
Hey hey hey, what, who is this us?
god dammit
Who is us who is
us
whoa oh very impressive you managed
to creep up on me nobody's ever done
that my entire career you are too sneaky
such a slimy slinky polecats yeah jumpin
Jesus on a pogo stick nigga please
oh thanks fuck you guys are here this
dirty old perv was watching me pee
enough I was not watching him pee I was
hoping he'd defecate I mean I was I was
interrogating him
for one
never mind Lance Bass over here I'm much
more interested in you be out here in
barren Pines looking for three gashes
except I think I found two of them and
unless Yahoo serious over here was
wearing a wig and a dress
what the hell
are you talking about
Yahoo serious
that's funny
You robbed from the wrong man and he
paid me you embarrassed him he paid me
that to make an example of you and you
seriously you're gonna start making some
sense here
you mean Yahoo seriously
You're a hit man, is that what you're saying?
you call me shit man you young
people have no respect for your elders
I'm a bounty hunter and I'm mighty proud
of it the only question here is I'm
gonna kill you I'm gonna kill you and
how much am I gonna make you suffer yeah
are you sure you're a bounty hunter
you seem like a comedian to me old man
What makes you think that we're just
gonna stand here and let you do anything
to us
I'm not saying you'll let me do
anything but if you know what's good for
you you're going to cooperate I'm
Wingate Van Ceef I mean Cleef and
and I understand you quite a quite a
handful both of you yeah yeah but but
I've been doing this since I'm 18 and
I've never ever failed
I don't care how bad you girls may think
you are you're never gonna get past me
oh oh no but but I'm not the total
monster I'm gonna give you some choices
you can either find an early demise a
quick and easy early demise or you can
suffer you can suffer it's all your
choice it's all your choice just just
get naked get naked and and let me let
me take a couple of nice pictures and
yeah you're not on the rag are you?
But I got this
nice move Lara Croft
you know what they say about men
with big gun
Where is it? Haha, fuck it
you've made your choice
you are gonna bleed you're gonna have
your period
Ahh, god damn it that hurt
all right now you are in for
now I'm gonna get you I'm gonna cut you
up you're gonna be bleeding just like a
turkey on Thanksgiving yeah yeah I
remember once I was hunting I was
hunting I took a biker I killed him in
the woods yeah ya
He's got a knife Mia
don't want you getting hurt
why should
you have all the fun
I could disarm him from over here
I'm
not sure if you actually have magical
powers Mia
sure I do watch this whoops my boobs
fell out
whoo boobs
what did you do to me what the oh
I beat you and then I tied you to a tree
boy find some help someone get you
you
can't do that
Where are all my guns? They had sentimental value
damned if I know they went
flying in the trees when I kicked them
by
Bye
come on guys
don't you know who I am?
so you wanna see my boobs Oh
No
oh too bad they're awesome oh one more thing
Oh please don't, I had a tough childhood
I told you, my mother, she got in bed with me. It's not my fault. I'm a victim. I was abused
nobody tries to kill me and gets away
with it coming
Stop making out with the perv and let's go
Coming.
Oh major pain
I'm sure we'll make a
nice treat for Daisy's monster out here
pussy
boy these gals sure did make a
getaway didn't they you really think
they made it out this far
that's according to our tipster guess
we'll find out for ourselves
that right there disqualifies them as
being locals if they was from around here and
there's no way they'd be hiding out in
these woods they must not know about the
legend
just thinking the same thing
myself
could be that they just ain't believers
but more than likely they'd stay never
heard of the legend for
right
how about
you son
what
you believer
of course
seen it myself you know the beast the thirsty
beast of barren Pines
what are you guys talking about
sorry we
interrupt your nap there Sleeping Beauty
sorry I must have nodded off it's it's
this job man it's this shit I see it
haunts my nightmares and keeps me up all
night I can't sleep it's the mangled
corpse visions it's the the broken homes
it's it's the orphans
it's the disfigurement of of bodies it's
it's held these homes they're drenched
in blood all right
all right Jesus
Christ we get it you're haunted
anyways we was talking about a minute
ago is a local legend
a local legend you say?
that's right legends of bloodthirsty
beasts of barren Pines turns out
according to the legend these very woods
are home to a vicious creature time forgot
creatures got no business being
alive in this era
wait what the hell are
you talking about
about a cantankerous carnivorous
creature from the Cretaceous
you mean a
that's right City boy
dinosaur
come on that's absurd everybody
knows that dinosaurs were extinct like
what millions of years ago
yeah well
someone forgot to tell this one either
that or he's just stubborn I actually
kind of admire him in a way you know
he's a survivor
we've got no concern for logic science
has to say about his situation
right because he only cares about what a
couple of local rubes say it your town's
bait shop right and and why not after
all they're the ones that created him
right your living legend I mean they're
the ones that keep it going give me a
break they
feed this bullshit to all you're
simple-minded town folk they just little
one more words one more word out of
you dipshit you continue this manhunt on
foot then you can see for yourself what
the beast is about
okay okay I get it
I offended your hometown pride your
rural Pennsylvania fucking dinosaur I
won't even talk about it anymore
good go back to sleep why don't you
I'm actually right now not very tired
well then just duck down so I don't have to
look at you in my rearview
that shit
guys that was harsh
that ain't shit boy
harsh is kicking you out of my fucking
car so you could be torn asunder by two
Terrence stories of prehistoric terror
you know what I'm uh I am actually a
little tired I'm gonna take a nap
good fucking sissy boy
hey uh hey
sheriff do you think I could try Satan's
dick
what the hell you're old enough
you know I've had Christ's balls before I've
never had Satan's dick
it's good stuff
right there hmm
choking on Satan big boy
Satan's Dick isn't for me Sheriff I
think you could have all the Satan's
dick you want
Evelyn you mind if we take
a break
yes I do mind
well then someone
else is gonna have to carry this I'm
done
you can threaten me all you want
I'm talking about physical limitations
here either someone else carries or we
rest it's only fair
very well we'll take
a short break
thank you
where you will rub my neck and
shoulders
what know if anyone deserves a
massage round here it's me
rub and scarlet will carry your bag
next this is generous as I'm gonna get
you're a hell of a lot of fun you know
that Evelyn
oh that feels good
fuck jeez I don't even get a minute
so what exactly is the plan here we're
just gonna keep moving deeper into the
woods until we find another car didn't
sound very logical
ours is not to reason
why ours is but to do and die
cute
we
did all right didn't we it's a pretty
big score back there
I told you I knew
where to hit
yeah it just wasn't the
aftermath that was very well thought out
watch your mouth Ana Maria just keep
doing what I tell you to do and you'll
get your 20%
20% no no no I thought we
were splitting 30 30 40 I mean you get
more because you planned it but Scarlett
and I get the same
Anna
the wheel man or
woman never gets above 20% everybody
knows that
but I am in just as much risk
as you are we all contributed equally to
the act
you didn't you weren't in there
Scarlett and I were you know those guards
had guns we could have died
I could have
been shot driving away I could still be
shot over this
we had to kill people
lots of people
Scarlett
oops
you fucking
killed people I thought you said it went
smoothly
it did but killing did went
smoothly that is it only took one shot
to kill anybody
our aim is right on so in that regard it
did go smoothly
well that is fantastic
now I can get life without parole when
we get busted and you're telling me I'm
only getting a lousy 20%
all you did was
drive the car
and carry the bag and
massage your shoulders and deal with all
your fucking crazy bullshit
I was deceived
well Evelyn and I are
always in and out of prison we're career
criminals and we're violent crazy people
to boot
yeah are you really that
surprised that we deceived you now shut
the fuck up and get back to rubbing
before I get pissed
back to I did
Anna what the fuck are you doing?
take it easy let's not get all crazy
fuck you fuck 20% fuck fucking neck
massages
see you in the funny papers
what a fucking nightmare this has been
yeah just like a nightmare except
nightmares are exciting and sexy
sometimes this fucking blows we're never
getting to our gig tonight
no sight of my
monster
I can't fucking take anymore fuck you want to fight
something fight a god damn tree
they're everywhere we're never getting
out of here I will never seen another
goddamn human being ever
finally people
Who the fuck are you?
None of your fucking business who the fuck are you
Catatonic fuck puppet don't shoot
what
well you know me and
her are this is Daisy Derkins she slays
monsters
what the fuck are you talking
about you're not making any sense
me and her Mia are in a punk rock band
called catatonic fuck puppet this is
Daisy Derkins she slays monsters yeah
fuck I get away from two fucking crazies
and the next people are even
more batshit than they are
what the fuck are you talking about
what's with the gun
I need a car
does it look like we're in a car or cars fucking
useless it broke down way back there
why do you think we're walking
broke down way back there? shit
what
did you um
leave a friend back there to watch your
car and your stuff
well I mean yeah I
mean hex hex back there why?
That's the second oh shit already
what's going on?
Your friend is er
he's what?
your friend is dead I er
Murderer!
no no it wasn't me
take her down
my nigga Daisy
Durkins you might really be a monster
slayer shit
I've got the gun
give me that
hey
you might
hurt yourself or me
this may come as a
shock to you Daisy Durkins but I've
handled a gun before I made a living
like that once
that's so true she's got
a sordid past just chock-full of
chicanery treachery and skullduggery I
love that word
I don't care the gun stays with me I
don't know you well enough and frankly
that's a good thing
my friends have an unfortunate tendency
to come monster Chow
whatever
it's
enough let's see if our new friend is
ready to talk
Talk
You just punch me in the
throat
I'm taking that into consideration
Now give me some answers who are you
my name
is Anna Maria
And why the fuck did you
kill their friend
I didn't kill him
no it wasn't me it was some kind of
creature or something
what'd it look like
I don't know we
didn't see it happened we got here just
after it happened
we who's we
my my
former partners Evelyn and Scarlett
they are psychotic vicious criminals
killers and they're after me look we
should really get out of here like right
now they're hot on my trail and they'll
kill you too I mean they don't care they
are monsters
monsters I can handle
not
this kind they're a whole other breed
what
are they after you for
ain't this the most revolting thing you
seen in a while
definitely ranked pretty
high up there blaze do you think it's
our girls
not a chance
whatever did this certainly was not
human I'd say this was a completely
unrelated incident this poor fellas car
breaks down and he gets out to see if we
can fix it maybe then he gets uh he gets
attacked he gets attacked by some what
kind of wildlife you guys got here blaze
That's sheriff thunders to you son I told you
about the wildlife forgotten here our
conversation in the car
Oh what dinosaurs please I was thinking more
like like like a grizzly bear yeah yeah
grizzly bear
we ain't got no grizzly bears
in these woods
black bears maybe no Grizzlies
oops oh
sorry
dinosaurs yes grizzly bears no how
foolish of me
you done now
yeah I'm done
good good I got a question for you mr.
Harrod you believe in God
I believe there's a higher power than us yes
why is that you ever seen him
no
You talked to him
no
ever been given a
solid shred of evidence that he exists
no again
fine in spite of your belief and
imaginary beings you're still very much
a man of science good I respect that are
all things other than religion you
require some evidence and to that end I
present with you Exhibit A
Hah ha ha, oh yeah
What the
Get off me
When I get up I'm gonna fucking kill you
Fucking kill you, fucking kill you
Fucking kill you and fuck you some more
Somebody help me!
Get off!
I'm gonna fucking kick your ass
here
ha thanks man
Another minute or two and the fucking freak woulda had his dick in me
sorry I couldn'r act sooner you alright?
weren't you wearing pants before
yeah
did you remember earlier than I really
um okay um okay I guess you
I am
consumed by a white-hot intense
berserker rage that will not be quelled
until I personally strangled the last
stinking breath out of that whiny
traitorous bitch anna maria
I feel ya
so let's go find that little dipshit post haste
you
fucking being touched me you know he's
dead now don't worry
what the fuck was that
an inbred hillbilly who'd been exposed
to massive levels of radiation I'm
thinking
yeah I'd go with that I just
hope we don't run into any more
I don't
care if there's a hundred of these
things out here nothing and I mean
nothing will stand in the way of me
exacting my vengeance on Anna Maria
count on it
so anyone else when I carry the giant
sack of money a little heavy
So what are we gonna do with all the money?
we no
that money is mine all of it
my life is gonna be jeopardized because
of this then I deserve a cut -
she's got
a point
you two haven't been through
half the shit I've been through over
that
okay so you get a bigger cut than
me but I'm just saying I think I deserve
a little something
you deserve a
steel-toed boot to the twat that's what
you deserve mmm
snap
Oh cute care to see
what I think you deserve
what the fuck
Mia where did you get that
it's mine
I always have a gun on me
I didn't
know that wait so you don't have a
cellphone but you always have a gun on
you
no phones is part of our image
nobody ever said anything about guns I
have enemies I need protection
Fair enough
Put the gun away Mia there are no disputes
here this money doesn't belong to any of
us and as soon as we find a phone or a
town we're turning it in
who appointed
you leader this outfit I think there
should be a discussion about this
right
clearly I'm the leader here I write the
lyrics you know
shut up
Daisy there's a
ton of money in that bag do you think
I'm just gonna give it all away then
you're a fucking moron
you heard what Ana Maria said there are
dangerous people after that money
They never met me yet
I'll show them six sides of dangerous
they've never even heard of
still it's
wrong
who are you to tell me what's
wrong the fucking morality police I
don't fucking care I've devoted my whole
existence to doing what's wrong
you're
not taking that money Mia
why the fuck
are we carrying it around if you don't
want it why not just leave it here
because those girls aren't getting it
either
I hate you all of a sudden is
there something else you should be doing
shouldn't you be hunting monsters or
something
I'm multitasking
if I can kill a three-headed dog monster
then what chance do you sand?
I don't care how tough you think you are one
bullet and you're out of my way for good
try me just fucking try me watch what
happens to you
what now Daisy Derkins
back-to-back fire at 20 paces
now why go
through all those formal theatrics when
when I can just take you out in one second
So this is an official challenge then?
Winner take all
no winner is taking back
Damn she's quick
My turn
Oh fuck
Shit
What the hell is that thing?
A fucking dinosaur
Not just any dinosaur
The blood thirstly beatst from Barren Pines
You're a fucking monster slayer, fucking do something
Wasn't I just fighting you?
I thought you said you can multitask
You wanna give me a hand here?
We can finish our business after
Shoot it Mia
As soon as this thing falls, Daisy comes tumbling after
What is all that?
Fucking war's going on
Come on guys
Don't drop the bag what's wrong with you?
fine have it your way
Now it's all mine again
Vex come here
let's let Buffy handle
this one that's our thing right monsters
She'll be fine let's run back and see
if that money's still there
and if annamaria has it
I've got plenty of
bullets left
it sound like like a gunfight was going
on but this girl did not die fr om any
gunfire
no she did not
it's not like last one don''t
it does
exactly but but all that gunfire
futile
attempt to save herself yep all those
bullets couldn't save her and I don't
see no damn creature carcass around so
whatever killed her survived that
hellacious barrage of gunfire so you
still think it's some black bear some
some poor kids
I don't know
come on man it's the second one today
you ain't ready to start believing in
monsters
monsters
well shit looks like she can't argue
about who gets the money now
good I don't like her anyway
I kind of
like her, I mean no not her personality
obviously I did kind of want to just
like dip my dick in it though
typical
okay
well let's grab that bag before another
dinosaur comes out and tries eat us
I
know it wasn't that some shit you don't
see anything like that every day
no you don't now let's
again
hey hey you okay
there have some of this
It's empty
hey wake up hey okay
come with me oh come on come with me
Oh fuck
why
me I have the worst fucking luck vex vex
are you here
yeah yeah I'm here
are you alright
no I am NOT all right
you're alive though
well yeah I am alive
can you see can you see better than me
can you see if those fuckers are still
here
I can see all around the
room but I don't see them anywhere
what
do you see
nothing a note really
fuck
heck got off easy one bite from that
dinosaur and that had at the end of him
at least he went quick
who knows what these fuckers are going
to do to us shit I always attract these
weird was don't I uh well I guess I kind
of bring it upon myself really
Mia
there's a there's this that's something
I've always wanted to tell you what
you're gay
no it's
ah don't tell me you
love me
please have some dignity for fuck's sake
I don't know I just I think I should say
something deep and heartfelt right about
now
we're not dead yet vex so why don't
you keep that deep and heartfelt shit to
yourself okay
I know we're not dead yet
that's why we should say this shit now
well what you can before were dead
maybe
Daisy Derkins will show up and save the
day
oh you mean the girl you tried to
shoot who he last saw being chased into
the woods by a fucking Allosaurus
It could happen come on man we found our way
I'd worse shit than this right
no we really
haven't this this is about as bad as it
gets
fuck man you sure you can't wiggle your
way out of that
Wait I hear something
what is it
I think it's them
fuck
it'll be alright
shit they still out
looks like
balls
ain't is much fun when they out just
make the most of what we got I reckon
fuck you
BAM that woke you up right
quick now didn't it
fuck you you fucking mutant you still
fucking in bred you probably dead soon
anyway
but not before we eat you and fuck your girlfriend
you'll
never get to chance
I got a chance to do
both right now you stupid son bitch we
got you and her tied up real nice and what the fuck are you gonna do about it?
She's a witch if you tried it if you trying to
kill us
she'll put a curse on you
I'm already cursed
let me tell you something boy
pay attention when I'm talking to you
he's a nice boy but he doesn't listen to
a word you say what's the worst that she
could do to me consider all this shit
God did to me already what kill me well
probably a good thing
yeah not just for me but for the whole
world
are you done you're arguing cuz I'm
getting mighty hunger you hear me too
and I'm not done arguing I have a
Die, just fucking die
why do you gotta talk to em like that they
just food does a puma talk to a hare
before he eats it does an owl talk to a mouse before he eats
just a bloodthirsty Beast the barren
Pines talk to anybody before he eats
them don't try to act like you're better
than they are you ain't you know you're
the predator they're the prey don't try
to make it into something more than it
really is
sheesh sorry now you want to eat first
you won't fuck
let's eat first not like
she's going anywhere and I can't fuck on
an empty stomach
well cut the pieces off
you want then
right
my that Satan's dick is mighty tasty
mm-hmm I can't believe he dead
you think I'm lying?
I saw
no it's just you know he was
always a tough son bitch
they had guns
he didn't that's what he gets for going
out unarmed
poor fella ain't gonna be the
same around here without him you know
this always been the tree of us since ma died
don't you go bringing up
ma again you know how misty eyed I
get
sorry
hey damn she was a beautiful
woman she shot him in the back you know
he never saw it coming
you think it was
these two what killed him
well there's no real way of knowing for
sure but that's how we're gonna play
this out
cuz it's more fun that way let me tell
you nothing beats to go to hate fuck
mm-hmm
so you want go first
of course I want to go first I don't want
your sloppy seconds
now you just stand
there and watch
I like to watch
besides you could take the wet hole and
I can take the dry hole problem solved no
sloppy seconds around here
watch
here she is
morning cupcake
get your fucking figure out of me
oh you don't like that and you're really
gonna hate the next few hours
look you want the money take it
I
already got that
fine fuck me then
if that's all you need to do
I'm in the indie punk scene I'm sure it's
probably something it as disgusting as
you before of course I would've been
drunk at the time, is there some whiskey
no I got nothing to dull the effect I
want you to experience every second I
want you to hate every second of this
dee dee guys like you before just get it
over with
oh no no you don't want us to rush this
once we're done here we're gonna cut you
all up and eat you like we did with
your boyfriend
okay that right there I
have a problem with
what can I say
payback's a bitch
payback what I ever do to you?
you killed our brother in the
woods
no I didn't
yes you did
I didn't
yes you did
bitch!
Is he alright?
he's dead and you're about to join him
Daisy Derkins is that you
yes now be quiet
Alright
you got me you got me Missy
I surrender
Come here then, I got a cuff for ya
er you have cuffs
quickly don't make me
come to you
wait you can't just let
him surrender kill that sick
motherfucker
he killed vex and he put his fucking
finger in me
is that true you killed him
yep ate him too
oh no I was too late for
him
right
that's why you have to fucking kill this guy
he ate vex and he would have eaten me
too
sexually and otherwise
you eat people
I sure do why don't you put down that
knife and I'll show ya
see he fuckin
eats people Daisy he isn't human he's a
monster look at him
now do your job and slay him you killed
his brother what's one more
but this
one's willing to surrender it's against
the hero code to kill anyone who wants
to surrender
those rules don't apply
here he isn't a soldier with a family at
home
he's a predatory monstrosity that will
keep raping and killing until we do
something about it right now
man this is
a tough call he eats people and uh does
appear more troll-like than human
just gimme a minute here, let me try to figure this out
what's going on Daisy
could you maybe just un tie first just
in case you don't win this Quite Mia I'm working, I'll be with you in a minute
I hope so
Now I got you
lucky me and with my brother's gone I
could have you both all to myself
oh you fight good Missy you fire real
good but I want you to save some of that
spunk for when I have you bait over my
workbench
and I can't wait to see what you taste like
Eat this
What the fuck
Daisy are you still alive
what's happening
he's dead they're both
dead it's all over
awesome thank you so much can you untie me now
depends are you gonna try
and kill me again
oh come on don't play
around like that you know you're here to
save me what else would you be here for
I was actually here more for vex and
the money
but you're a hero that's what
heroes do this is how you prove that
you're better than me like when he man
would see if Skeletor sometimes like I
know I may be an evil bitch but I'm
still human being
relax I'm gonna get
you out here I just want to see you
squirm for a minute
oh that's funny
that's really funny
hold still
thank you seriously
no more funny
business
I promise I'll be a good girl
you sure about Vex?
yeah I don't want to
talk about it let's get out of this
place it makes my skin crawl
of course
where's the money
I don't know I
couldn't really see what they were doing
here it is better grab this too
again I'm sorry I couldn't have made it
sooner
I guess that's the end of catatonic fuck puppet
yes fingers the first time in my life that
ever made a somewhat legitimate attempt
of making money
look what happens drummer gets eaten by
a dinosaur singer gets eaten by backwards cannibals
it's awful
I have no real marketable skills no
expensive education this whole punk rock
thing was like my only shot at making a
living without breaking any major laws
think weapons of ass destruction might
take you back
nah that ship has sunk
anyway I don't want to talk about this
anymore
it's depressing
okay
now we're right
back to where it all started wandering
the woods looking for a car or town
probably no closer to either than when
we first picked you up
I know
sucks doesn't it
and it's about to get a
whole lot suckier for you
ah Anna
Maria's friends I presume I was
wondering when you'd show up
you're too late though
she's dead
right she died and then you tried stealing the
money
dinosaur eat her so I took the
money
it wasn't stealing anymore on account of
her being eaten by the dinosaur dinosaur
Dinosaur
I'm sorry
the bloodthirsty beast of barren Pines
ever heard of it no
I doubt it
anyway after you tried stealing the
money
I need to explain how I wasn't
stealing again
it is stealing because
it's mine
ours we stole it first
and are you sure Anna Maria's dead
positive she couldn't handle the
bloodthirsty beast of barren Pines
that's what Daisy Derkins is for
fuck I
was really looking forward to murdering
that cunt oh well did she die
painfully
yeah it looked pretty gruesome
okay well I'll just have to find a
quantum of solace in that I guess
well sorry didn't get to kill your
friend
see ya
oh wait just a minute there
princess there's still the
issue of the money
damn I was hoping
you'd forget
and I got so worked up over
killing Anna Maria I just have to kill
somebody just to make the urges go away
a fight to the death is that what this
is building up to
mmm nah I think I'll
just shoot you and your friend I'm just
- too
too what
I'm too fuckin furious
should we be fighting too
probably
okay
cuz uh not not really feeling it
nope
no I've had I've just had the worst
day of my life my bandmates were eaten I've
been chased by a dinosaur
I was fingered by a fucking mutant and
I'd been walking around all day I'm just
exhausted
I was hitin the face with a
large stick felt up by a mutant I mean your day
sounds probably worse
I mean it's not at
all I'm an adverse to hurting people
because no that is that is one of my
favorite things but just today it's just
not one of those days
right no I
understand but then again you really
want that money don't you
yeah that's
another thing see if I step in and help
Daisy right now that money's going to
go right back where it came from because
Daisy's a do-gooder
oh then what the
fuck are you doing with her that's not
you listen we've got an opening in our
gang
so I've heard
so now it's
initiation time you say yourself your
bandmates are dead so that dream is over
if it ever was one so now you really
want that money you're not gonna get it
on Team Daisy so join us and then the
day is not a total loss hmm
that
certainly is a good pitch
thank you
the
thing is daisy saved my life
don't tell me
you've never double-cross somebody
before
well duh but you know it's just
today I'm just feeling more emotional
than usual
the choice is simple either
get rich quick or die along with Daisy
do gooder
mmm
I can't believe it guys we've been out
here almost all day to ever come across
a single living person
believe it city
boy we could be out here a whole month
and not see a single damn footprint
amazing we even found as much as we have
can't you like radio for a chopper so we
can get a better survey the landscape we
could be stuck the rest of our lives out
here
sounds just fine to me
it does
sure I'm thinking about doing
just that for a while now once I retire
have a little place out here in the
woods away from all the decay and
fucking corruption of the civilized
world look at this place it's beautiful
I'd love to live the rest of my life out
here a man can breathe out here
And what about the beast
I'm sure he agrees
with me
never mind
you know what I sure the hell couldn't live out here I need a
little more action and excitement
you know I'm thinking about taking the wife
and kids and moving down to Pittsburgh
maybe
all this we seen today and that ain't enough for you
this is a rare case
blaze this sure ain't the norm I want shit
like this all the time I need thrills
chills adventure you know aside from
this robbery murder thing and the
occasional dinosaur attack nothing ever
happens around here I need to be
challenged I need to live
it's the beast
Thank You Mia you've made a wise
decision
alright then we've hit her enough we've
got the cash let's just go
almost but
not quite
yeah
pick her up
let's go
good now one last thing
Evelyn no we don't have to kill her
maybe we don't but I do
why
because she kicked my ass that's why
I don't need that getting around that I
needed help to beat someone called Daisy
Derkins I have a reputation to maintain
but it's nothing to be ashamed of she's
the monster slayer
Mia don't be stupid
the only monster around here is greed
what then fuck is that noise?
fuck
aim higher
that's not gonna do any good it's just gonna irritate him
fuck you I've got a gun I'm gonna use it
back off this is my show
what the fuck
are you gonna do you couldn't even beat three tired girls
girls
that's what mr. Gas bomb is for
what the hell was that
a gas bomb I told you
not that I meant
Blood thirsty beast of barren Pines
what
bloodthirsty Beast of barren Pines
prehistoric monster of unknown origin
all right that's enough
sowho are you?
Sheriff Blaze thunders mam I'm
investigating some murders no
oh you're the law
yes ma'am
yeah well fuck you
we had our chance it's over
I can't keep turning my back on Daisy
let's have our fight
awesome i'm gonna fucking destroy you
that's it get comfortable with piggy
you're about to share his fate you see
when I think of the law here's what I
think of you
I saved you minute ago you noticed
that right
yeah I noticed but there was
still some business ugly business going
on before then
let's not get into that
the part where you fucking betrayed me
after I saved you from becoming a mutant
sex toy and dinner
but I saved you after
that that redeems me then right
I'll say that it does because I'm a nice person
there's still one thing I got to do
what's that
sheriff
what happened I must have
blacked out for a second
you were shot are you okay
oh yeah I've
been worse off this just gimme a hand getting up will ya
oh hell what
the hell happened to my star
it's in that
girl's head over there
mean that one
that tried to kill me
yep that's the one
well good done good
there beautiful
real good guessing these three here my
feed store robbers
two of them are this
one's not with them the other member of
the gang was eaten by the Beast a while
ago
oh that's this one we've seen the
bloody remains of
yeah
and what of the beasts I mean uh he's made it this far
against all odds seems a shame to just
see him die out here like this
that was
just a gas grenade he's asleep I tried
to kill him earlier but um
but he's
tough
shit maybe he can't be killed
maybe
you're right
well I'll make some calls
see what we can do with him whatever
happens you can be sure you'll be taken
to a place you could defy logic and
reason in peace maybe be provided with
some good beefy non-human food
and you
still have one living robber left to
question so you won't be going
empty-handed in that regard either
and the money
all there in that bag every
last dollar of it
well goddamn girlie
you got that money the robbers the Beast
what does a girl like you do for an encore
you'll just have to wait till next time
thanks for the ride
no problem that's
what we're doing
getting out there meeting the fans
people like you
get over yourself vex is embarrassing
in what way
I'm sure she's never heard of us
What are you guys like in a band or
something
Are we in a band?
fuck yeah I wanna ban the only band that
fucking matters
isn't that the clash?
Thank You max could use a little
humbling
fuck humility, humility is for
losers little Missy I am vex do penance
and this it's catatonic fuck puppet
catatonic fuck puppet that's awesome
fucking a it's awesome so your pumpkin
Fuckin A it's awesome
So you're punk I'm guessing?
Yes that's exactly right
we are punk rock stupendous you said I'm
Vex Stupendous you said?
I'm Daisy
Heck Catastrophe
Mia DeSpell
Nice great names everyone
Thankyou
So you guys are on tour then?
Right baby we're on fuckin tour whoo whoo
more like tour of upstate Pennsylvania
And this is the tour bus?
Sad isn't it
Mia shut your fucking hole even the
clash started small
you mean like opening up for the Sex
Pistols fuck your mouth
Fuck you're mouth
tell me we got it tell me we got it tell
me we got it we got it
We got it
now shut your fucking germ hole
Geez what's with you two, we should be
celebrating not sulking
It's not the time to celebrate, we're not out of this yet
What the fuck happened in there you guys weren't
like this earlier what did
Nothing
nothing happened
we went and strong we got the money and we
left it was all very smooth and
professional I won your soul
I already opened the fucking safe for you
What else do you want from me?
I want your soul
Oh shit
come on you motherfucker
keep on coming get more MORE
and more
I'll just keep killing you again and again and
again I love to kill
Yeah, we were the epitome of cool right scarlet?
Cool as the flesh on a stripping zombie
You guys are fucking weird, you know that?
Alright then numb nuts are you gonna fix it or smell it?
I don't know what's wrong with this man
I've tried everything I know about cars
why don't you think of something?
I know fuck all about cars dude
I just write the lyrics . Mia use your wick and
shit magic magic and magic do it
You're an idiot
oh let's see you write a song you sloppy twot
I have cock face I used to write for WAD
remember
Yeah right, before they fucking fired you
WAD?
Yeah i's the band I used to be in. It stands for Weapons of Ass Destruction
oh of course I love weapons
of ass destruction
Oh course she knows that band
That's cuz they're actually good
Yeah but they never fucking hit it big until they
fired you're sorry alabaster ass
Get fucked vex Catatonic fuck puppet
is nothing without me nothing
I'm the sex appeal
Yeah slutty chick
bassist like you or a dime-a-dozen
I could replace you like this.
Guys really? This isn't getting us
anywhere
well mom the cars fucking shot what do you suggest we do?
we should walk back up
the main road and then follow it until we find a town
I didn't get into punk rock to walk places
no way and where's all the pussy I heard about?
you'll get nothing of the sort
from me
look if you just bring your fucking
iPhone we wouldn't be in this mess right now
well I was all about bringing the
iPhone it was vex here who talked me out
of.
He was like the iPhone is the antithesis of
punk-rock remember
I didn't say anything like that but I think we should listen
to a WOD groupie over here I think we
should go down the road and see what's
what
but what of our instruments and our
stuff are we just gonna leave that out here?
well it's not like we have any
other choice and who the fuck's gonna
steal our shit
we can't afford to take
that chance
fine you fucking difficult bitch but one
of us is gonna have to stay behind and
babysit the fucking car
me I'll do it
I'll do it
are you sure man I mean we're kind of be
a while it's a hike
hey that's fine with me
I need a good long rest from all you
Jokers that's good in my book
hey I'm heck catastrophe not fucking Bono
for sure alright you mooks let's
get going
have fun hiking losers I'm going to sit
here and start writing my memoirs
oh well good luck with that who wants to
read your fucking life story oh you'd be
surprised asshole I love them much more
fascinating life than you have I know
you are but what am i that doesn't even
make sense shit father face doesn't it
guys
please my dark bag just may not be able
to fix a car but it'd be more than
enough to erase your hideous vissage
from existence
I bet back this is really productive for
you guys
oh another sarcastic caustic
ironic bitch like I don't have enough of
that in my life
Fuck you
how far away is this place anyway?
It's far, very far
That's the whole fucking point
To be far way from where we committed our illegal act of robbery
can someone else drive for a while because I'm fucking tired
bitch bitch bitch. Do you know what we did to bitch bitch bitches on the inside?
bitch?
No tell me
Tell her scar
We tried to touch their titties
What' that?
I mean you know, we hit them. Hard
That's right
And then we'd fuck them with a broom handle or something
By that point they just let us
Yeah so hear that bitch?
Yeah but
keep on bitching
bitching I have a club theft-deterrent
in the trunk with your pussy's name all over it.
Did you really name her pussy? I thought I was the only one who did that.
I'll tell you what I named mine if you tell me what you named yours.
Shut the fuck up you freak
that's last thing I want to hear
would you both
shut the fuck up for just a minute
listen to this the thieves were
described by eyewitnesses as female hot
as all hell and sicker than a shithouse
rat were seen speeding off in a green
1999 Dodge Caravan if you see anyone
matching that description or that kind
of car we advise you to keep a safe
distance and alert authorities
immediately whether in traffic
you know
what this means right
besides being female personal knows
about us
no yes
it's pretty nice isn't it
I'm more interested in the crazier than
a shithouse rat description why would
they say that I thought you guys were
cool and professionally keep on bitching
bitch no means we got to ditch the car
it's gonna get us caught we're in the
middle of nowhere we need transportation
and I guess we're just gonna have to use
what evolution gave us beep you mean
we're gonna pull over get out and hike
no we have to get rid of the car first
because if they find the car then it
won't be very long until they find us so
I guess we're just gonna have to push it
off a cliff or into a lake or something
Oh can we do both like push the car off a cliff
into a lake
if we find a cliff over a lake then sure
I'm not getting a good feeling about
this bitch bitch
have you ever gonna fish in your twot?
okay yo Kenny I get it all stop bitching
that wasn't a threat, that was just a question I'm curious
How could I get mixed up with you people?
I'd offer you some shelling mr. Van
Cleef but you do not strike me as a
chosen you're very perceptive mr. Van
roughhousing I don't sip I suck
yes thank you
but you're right I am very perceptive
that's part of why I'm so successful in
my business sure my detractors will say
that I'm in a position that I am in
simply because from the father wasn't
old money but it's just a small part
of story and I can go on and on
anyway would you care for some other
vivacious maybe something it made harder
no sir I'm here for business business
and business alone
you know I had
feeling what's going to like you you
come to a business meeting and get
straight down to business
you'd be surprised how rare that is
these days
well I'm what do you call it old
school and I don't like to pussyfoot
around
no you don't you're a straight shooter
and this is of course while you were
here
but speaking of pussy I was walking
today by three of the female persuasion
I am aware of it the news is all over
the gay community
well I can't have
people thinking they just simply walk
into my legitimate businesses and leave
with my money it looks bad for me looks
bad for my businesses both legitimate in
other words in order to maintain my
stature community I require respect and
more importantly fear of the people
I use fear I use fear and I create a
psychological strategy they call me the
Puma before people know it they're my
slaves they're under my power
and I can get them using fear I can get
them to do anything I want anything at
all
you and I are on the same page Mr Van Cleef
these three of the female persuasion has
stolen from me already people are
talking and if word gets around that
someone got away with this I lose some
of their fear and they never recapture
that power it is imperative to send a
message a very strong message that if
you be so foolish to take from me hell
will find you and you will be sorry
well mr. Van ruffhausen my middle name
is Hell and I know how to give hell I
know how to take Hell and I know how to
make hell for everyone who comes into
contact with me
outstanding but just to
be clear this is not a Dead or Alive
scenario understood?
when I'm involved that's always
understood
and you're sure you're not
one of those professional killers like
in the movies with a strong ethical code
no women no children or anything like
that?
Haha, ethical code?
Let me tell you. For me, a bounty is just a bounty it has no it has no sexual
orientation
it's not a man or a woman or
or an animal
it's a bounty and I use those bounties
to wipe people up just like the paper
towel of the same name
good
that's the attitude one should have in your
line of work just one last thing
you're don't have any weird hangups
or anything do anything that might
prevent you from completing your job
how
dare you nothing distracts me
nothing not even a six-pack of young
hotties these females are supposedly
rather attractive so we don't worried
that this might keep you thinking about
something else rather than money
come on money is all I think about I'm a
dirty Jew after all and and and I don't
think about those things that you might
be thinking about I am a professional
you know it's not so much about titties
and by the way that's a very low-class
word love pillows is what I would say
sir but in my book it's tea tea tea tea
tea tea it's it's fine
yes track them torture them terminate
them that's great
you should get a trade mark very well
mr. Van Cleve you convinced me the
contract is yours just remember if the
law gets them first you get nothing if a
jury affords the luxury of due process
and fair trial but it's hardly the
message I'm trying to send understood
Understood
tea tea tea tea tea tea
sorry sonbitch never had a chance
look at em
goddamn massacre
it ain't pretty blaze
this ain't about no big score neither
about killing plain and simple
yeah but they stole the money Blaze
I know they stole the money all right I can
see that I'm just saying it was about
more than that I mean they didn't have to kill these
people they they they they wanted to
they enjoy killing just look at this
carnage Colt they enjoy it
but maybe ballistics will show the guards fired
first think of that
Come again
Perhaps these ladies acted in self-defense
Self defense, you here that?
they was robbing the damn place
still
the guards didn't have to shoot at em
And who in the name of Charles H Darwin are you?
oh I'm uh Asmodeus Herod CSI
Wow
yeah crime solving just got a hell of a
lot more gayer
you were thinking that too huh
big time
anyways I was saying these girlies might
be pretty but they're about as deadly as a Menstruating Sidewinder with the hiv
God that's pretty damn deadly Blaze
damn
right we're gonna have to think like them
too if we're ever gonna catch them
shit
shit is right Colt my boy I'm gonna have
to travel into a very savage animalistic
hellish landscape within our very
selves if we're gonna have a chance
against these bloodthirsty maniacs
I'm gonna have to travel into the very
heart of darkness if you will but just
you be careful when you glance into the
Abyss young Colt as every one moment it
could be enough to change you and lure
you into a drooling depraved monster for
the rest of your days
hey guys I'm gonna
go get Starbucks new guy buying you guys
want lattes you wait you might be a chai
guy good yes
no I got it I got it it's cool thanks
guys
what the fuck
city faggots
Wow
If we don't get to that show in time they're gonna kick us of the fuckin tour
we need that tour like invaluable
exposure
Right, because opening for kitten crawling into orifices was really getting us places
Like the ass end of Pennsylvania for example
there are people out here Mia
there are kids kids with anger and
drinking problems and our music speaks
to those kids
you actually think your music means
something to somebody but that's almost
cute like a puppy with horrible birth
defects
you know what man that's as
close to a compliment as I've ever heard
from you I want to take it so what's
your deal Daisy and try to give me the
less cryptic version if you could
what
she says she's hunting evil do you need
her to draw you a fucking picture
Oh ha fucking ha seriously are you the
least bit curious
I'm not trying to be
cryptic I've got nothing to hide
so what the fuck are you really doing out here
then
investigating claims of a local
legend
then why don't you just say that
in the first place that doesn't sound so
strange
what do you like write for a magazine
like weird New Jersey
no I'm not a
writer
Like are you at school?
Is this your thesis
no I stopped going I
stopped out there I discovered that my
true calling was something that never
could be taught in a classroom
oh no this doesn't have anything to do with
Jesus does it
oh please tell me it's not
I stopped believing in God the night my
friends were killed
oh I'm sorry
killed a by an evil
soulless monster the likes of which no God
would have ever created or have allowed to walk
on his earth
sounds like a really awful
person
no it wasn't a person
I'm not saying monster in a figurative
sense I'm talking about a real fucking
monster with three heads fangs and eerie
glowing eyes
a real fucking monster
that's exactly what's out here in these
woods and that's why I came here
I discovered I had a gift that night a
gift to be able to look evil square in
the eye to grapple with evil in Hand to hand
combat and win the monster I slew that
and I will claim no more lives of
innocent victims neither will this one
stupid-ass motherfucker making fun of me
heck catastrophe for writing my memoirs
this shit's gonna be riveting a real
page-turner number one on the New
York Times bestseller list material he
does not know what I have seen whoa what
was that? Vex? Mia? the new girl? shit
Mia no wear bacon hangers from Wendy's
for you you gotta lay off that shit whoa
that's that shook the whole fucking car
they don't get earthquakes around here
do they
I'm getting back in the car before
something fucked up happens
no fucking
way
Dinosaur!
why the fuck do I have to carry this
you two have done time you got bigger fucking
arms than me
all the better to break you
with my dear
now shut the fuck up and accept your
loan that's like a good little mule oh
man that was fucking awesome some shit
pushing that car off the fucking cliff
and then what oh wait right beneath it
boom awesome
yeah we really got the most
out of a whole car ditching experience
didn't we
yeah a car off a cliff into a
lake cross it off my bucket list now
you
already have a bucket list
yeah I don't plan on living long
that's comforting
our whole goal was to find another car
why didn't we stick by the road and you
people could I don't know whatever it is
you do carjack them
we're not gonna
find a car way out here
Quite easily actually
what the fuck is
that supposed to mean
straight ahead
yeah cuz I'm gonna see a
car not bloody likely
see for yourself bitch
shit that was unexpected
go check it out
seems someone was here recently
yeah writing his memoirs
you guys
oh fuck
what is it
look
Oh shit
Somebody was just fuckin
slaughtered here
Blood's not even try it
this just happened
oh my god
who could have done this
thinking bear
may be
certainly no human
Unless it was that guy Doug you met on craigslist remember him
yes I remember
Doug please never mentioned Doug
again especially when I'm on edge and
wielding a deadly weapon
Duly noted.
And Maria go
check the car see if it's working
what no fucking way I am NOT going in
there
why not
whatever did this couldn't possibly fit
in the car
fuck do you know it could be
a gremlin or fucking honey badger
they don't give a shit
annamaria will you stop being a retarded
fucking bitch and go check the car for me
if you're so sure there's nothing in
there why don't you fucking check it
because I'm asking you nicely please go
check the car for me I'll fucking cover
you in case anything happens which it
won't
fine but I want a bigger cut
you'll get
no such thing now go my patience is at
an end
Fine, fuck
fuck what am I doing here with these
crazy fucking people this is not the
life I wanted
Are the keys in there?
yes
in the ignition?
yes
Turn em see what happens
is there anything lurking in the seat
behind me
no you're fine there's nothing
back there
go on
alright alright here goes
it's not working
try it again
no nothing it's dead
are you sure?
yes I'm
fucking sure you want to try
no you can
get out
gee thanks
so now what
so now we just keep moving
further into the woods where this thing
that devoured this poor guy is and now
as it taste for human flesh
either that or we turn ourselves in to
the authorities do you really want to be
locked up with us annamaria
no
and we've
got guns and ammo we are more than
prepared to deal with whatever gets in
our way
if you say so
now let's grab the
bag and let's go
um since this car is no
good and do you think we can push it off
the cliff into the lake
Scarlett that
cliff was over a mile away
is that a no then cuz I mean they might
just you know they're our last chance to
do it
that moment has passed scarlet it
was something magical that we all shared
but it's over now we'll always have the
memory and that'll have to do
yeah yeah
I have to pee
so go but be quick about it
fuck you're demanding
apparently not
enough look at the company I keep
Oh
Kunti - twit with a cunning wit how cute
excuse me while I go relieve my bladder
on these bushes bitch
you guys are
friends right
I don't like that word
you
don't have to keep up with the sneering
punk-rock attitude around me and there's
no one else around no cameras and no
audience I won't tell anyone if you
admit to caring about someone
It's got nothing to do with Punk I'm not posing
or posturing I mean you've spent some
time with him now
he's fucking repugnant
okay shut up shut
up shut up you're gonna have a very fast
sex change operation now now you gonna
answer some questions, you're gona answer them fast and succinct
First of all who are you
I'm Vex Stupendous
What kind of a stupid name is that? Answer
what are you doing out here
in the woods
We're looking for a car or a town
or a person
Congratulations, I'm a person so you found me ha ha ha what is it
What is you want out here?
We're looking for help
Yeah what kind of help?
Who?
Why are you so aggressive?
Well it all began with my mother, you see
Hey hey hey, what, who is this us?
god dammit
Who is us who is
us
whoa oh very impressive you managed
to creep up on me nobody's ever done
that my entire career you are too sneaky
such a slimy slinky polecats yeah jumpin
Jesus on a pogo stick nigga please
oh thanks fuck you guys are here this
dirty old perv was watching me pee
enough I was not watching him pee I was
hoping he'd defecate I mean I was I was
interrogating him
for one
never mind Lance Bass over here I'm much
more interested in you be out here in
barren Pines looking for three gashes
except I think I found two of them and
unless Yahoo serious over here was
wearing a wig and a dress
what the hell
are you talking about
Yahoo serious
that's funny
You robbed from the wrong man and he
paid me you embarrassed him he paid me
that to make an example of you and you
seriously you're gonna start making some
sense here
you mean Yahoo seriously
You're a hit man, is that what you're saying?
you call me shit man you young
people have no respect for your elders
I'm a bounty hunter and I'm mighty proud
of it the only question here is I'm
gonna kill you I'm gonna kill you and
how much am I gonna make you suffer yeah
are you sure you're a bounty hunter
you seem like a comedian to me old man
What makes you think that we're just
gonna stand here and let you do anything
to us
I'm not saying you'll let me do
anything but if you know what's good for
you you're going to cooperate I'm
Wingate Van Ceef I mean Cleef and
and I understand you quite a quite a
handful both of you yeah yeah but but
I've been doing this since I'm 18 and
I've never ever failed
I don't care how bad you girls may think
you are you're never gonna get past me
oh oh no but but I'm not the total
monster I'm gonna give you some choices
you can either find an early demise a
quick and easy early demise or you can
suffer you can suffer it's all your
choice it's all your choice just just
get naked get naked and and let me let
me take a couple of nice pictures and
yeah you're not on the rag are you?
But I got this
nice move Lara Croft
you know what they say about men
with big gun
Where is it? Haha, fuck it
you've made your choice
you are gonna bleed you're gonna have
your period
Ahh, god damn it that hurt
all right now you are in for
now I'm gonna get you I'm gonna cut you
up you're gonna be bleeding just like a
turkey on Thanksgiving yeah yeah I
remember once I was hunting I was
hunting I took a biker I killed him in
the woods yeah ya
He's got a knife Mia
don't want you getting hurt
why should
you have all the fun
I could disarm him from over here
I'm
not sure if you actually have magical
powers Mia
sure I do watch this whoops my boobs
fell out
whoo boobs
what did you do to me what the oh
I beat you and then I tied you to a tree
boy find some help someone get you
you
can't do that
Where are all my guns? They had sentimental value
damned if I know they went
flying in the trees when I kicked them
by
Bye
come on guys
don't you know who I am?
so you wanna see my boobs Oh
No
oh too bad they're awesome oh one more thing
Oh please don't, I had a tough childhood
I told you, my mother, she got in bed with me. It's not my fault. I'm a victim. I was abused
nobody tries to kill me and gets away
with it coming
Stop making out with the perv and let's go
Coming.
Oh major pain
I'm sure we'll make a
nice treat for Daisy's monster out here
pussy
boy these gals sure did make a
getaway didn't they you really think
they made it out this far
that's according to our tipster guess
we'll find out for ourselves
that right there disqualifies them as
being locals if they was from around here and
there's no way they'd be hiding out in
these woods they must not know about the
legend
just thinking the same thing
myself
could be that they just ain't believers
but more than likely they'd stay never
heard of the legend for
right
how about
you son
what
you believer
of course
seen it myself you know the beast the thirsty
beast of barren Pines
what are you guys talking about
sorry we
interrupt your nap there Sleeping Beauty
sorry I must have nodded off it's it's
this job man it's this shit I see it
haunts my nightmares and keeps me up all
night I can't sleep it's the mangled
corpse visions it's the the broken homes
it's it's the orphans
it's the disfigurement of of bodies it's
it's held these homes they're drenched
in blood all right
all right Jesus
Christ we get it you're haunted
anyways we was talking about a minute
ago is a local legend
a local legend you say?
that's right legends of bloodthirsty
beasts of barren Pines turns out
according to the legend these very woods
are home to a vicious creature time forgot
creatures got no business being
alive in this era
wait what the hell are
you talking about
about a cantankerous carnivorous
creature from the Cretaceous
you mean a
that's right City boy
dinosaur
come on that's absurd everybody
knows that dinosaurs were extinct like
what millions of years ago
yeah well
someone forgot to tell this one either
that or he's just stubborn I actually
kind of admire him in a way you know
he's a survivor
we've got no concern for logic science
has to say about his situation
right because he only cares about what a
couple of local rubes say it your town's
bait shop right and and why not after
all they're the ones that created him
right your living legend I mean they're
the ones that keep it going give me a
break they
feed this bullshit to all you're
simple-minded town folk they just little
one more words one more word out of
you dipshit you continue this manhunt on
foot then you can see for yourself what
the beast is about
okay okay I get it
I offended your hometown pride your
rural Pennsylvania fucking dinosaur I
won't even talk about it anymore
good go back to sleep why don't you
I'm actually right now not very tired
well then just duck down so I don't have to
look at you in my rearview
that shit
guys that was harsh
that ain't shit boy
harsh is kicking you out of my fucking
car so you could be torn asunder by two
Terrence stories of prehistoric terror
you know what I'm uh I am actually a
little tired I'm gonna take a nap
good fucking sissy boy
hey uh hey
sheriff do you think I could try Satan's
dick
what the hell you're old enough
you know I've had Christ's balls before I've
never had Satan's dick
it's good stuff
right there hmm
choking on Satan big boy
Satan's Dick isn't for me Sheriff I
think you could have all the Satan's
dick you want
Evelyn you mind if we take
a break
yes I do mind
well then someone
else is gonna have to carry this I'm
done
you can threaten me all you want
I'm talking about physical limitations
here either someone else carries or we
rest it's only fair
very well we'll take
a short break
thank you
where you will rub my neck and
shoulders
what know if anyone deserves a
massage round here it's me
rub and scarlet will carry your bag
next this is generous as I'm gonna get
you're a hell of a lot of fun you know
that Evelyn
oh that feels good
fuck jeez I don't even get a minute
so what exactly is the plan here we're
just gonna keep moving deeper into the
woods until we find another car didn't
sound very logical
ours is not to reason
why ours is but to do and die
cute
we
did all right didn't we it's a pretty
big score back there
I told you I knew
where to hit
yeah it just wasn't the
aftermath that was very well thought out
watch your mouth Ana Maria just keep
doing what I tell you to do and you'll
get your 20%
20% no no no I thought we
were splitting 30 30 40 I mean you get
more because you planned it but Scarlett
and I get the same
Anna
the wheel man or
woman never gets above 20% everybody
knows that
but I am in just as much risk
as you are we all contributed equally to
the act
you didn't you weren't in there
Scarlett and I were you know those guards
had guns we could have died
I could have
been shot driving away I could still be
shot over this
we had to kill people
lots of people
Scarlett
oops
you fucking
killed people I thought you said it went
smoothly
it did but killing did went
smoothly that is it only took one shot
to kill anybody
our aim is right on so in that regard it
did go smoothly
well that is fantastic
now I can get life without parole when
we get busted and you're telling me I'm
only getting a lousy 20%
all you did was
drive the car
and carry the bag and
massage your shoulders and deal with all
your fucking crazy bullshit
I was deceived
well Evelyn and I are
always in and out of prison we're career
criminals and we're violent crazy people
to boot
yeah are you really that
surprised that we deceived you now shut
the fuck up and get back to rubbing
before I get pissed
back to I did
Anna what the fuck are you doing?
take it easy let's not get all crazy
fuck you fuck 20% fuck fucking neck
massages
see you in the funny papers
what a fucking nightmare this has been
yeah just like a nightmare except
nightmares are exciting and sexy
sometimes this fucking blows we're never
getting to our gig tonight
no sight of my
monster
I can't fucking take anymore fuck you want to fight
something fight a god damn tree
they're everywhere we're never getting
out of here I will never seen another
goddamn human being ever
finally people
Who the fuck are you?
None of your fucking business who the fuck are you
Catatonic fuck puppet don't shoot
what
well you know me and
her are this is Daisy Derkins she slays
monsters
what the fuck are you talking
about you're not making any sense
me and her Mia are in a punk rock band
called catatonic fuck puppet this is
Daisy Derkins she slays monsters yeah
fuck I get away from two fucking crazies
and the next people are even
more batshit than they are
what the fuck are you talking about
what's with the gun
I need a car
does it look like we're in a car or cars fucking
useless it broke down way back there
why do you think we're walking
broke down way back there? shit
what
did you um
leave a friend back there to watch your
car and your stuff
well I mean yeah I
mean hex hex back there why?
That's the second oh shit already
what's going on?
Your friend is er
he's what?
your friend is dead I er
Murderer!
no no it wasn't me
take her down
my nigga Daisy
Durkins you might really be a monster
slayer shit
I've got the gun
give me that
hey
you might
hurt yourself or me
this may come as a
shock to you Daisy Durkins but I've
handled a gun before I made a living
like that once
that's so true she's got
a sordid past just chock-full of
chicanery treachery and skullduggery I
love that word
I don't care the gun stays with me I
don't know you well enough and frankly
that's a good thing
my friends have an unfortunate tendency
to come monster Chow
whatever
it's
enough let's see if our new friend is
ready to talk
Talk
You just punch me in the
throat
I'm taking that into consideration
Now give me some answers who are you
my name
is Anna Maria
And why the fuck did you
kill their friend
I didn't kill him
no it wasn't me it was some kind of
creature or something
what'd it look like
I don't know we
didn't see it happened we got here just
after it happened
we who's we
my my
former partners Evelyn and Scarlett
they are psychotic vicious criminals
killers and they're after me look we
should really get out of here like right
now they're hot on my trail and they'll
kill you too I mean they don't care they
are monsters
monsters I can handle
not
this kind they're a whole other breed
what
are they after you for
ain't this the most revolting thing you
seen in a while
definitely ranked pretty
high up there blaze do you think it's
our girls
not a chance
whatever did this certainly was not
human I'd say this was a completely
unrelated incident this poor fellas car
breaks down and he gets out to see if we
can fix it maybe then he gets uh he gets
attacked he gets attacked by some what
kind of wildlife you guys got here blaze
That's sheriff thunders to you son I told you
about the wildlife forgotten here our
conversation in the car
Oh what dinosaurs please I was thinking more
like like like a grizzly bear yeah yeah
grizzly bear
we ain't got no grizzly bears
in these woods
black bears maybe no Grizzlies
oops oh
sorry
dinosaurs yes grizzly bears no how
foolish of me
you done now
yeah I'm done
good good I got a question for you mr.
Harrod you believe in God
I believe there's a higher power than us yes
why is that you ever seen him
no
You talked to him
no
ever been given a
solid shred of evidence that he exists
no again
fine in spite of your belief and
imaginary beings you're still very much
a man of science good I respect that are
all things other than religion you
require some evidence and to that end I
present with you Exhibit A
Hah ha ha, oh yeah
What the
Get off me
When I get up I'm gonna fucking kill you
Fucking kill you, fucking kill you
Fucking kill you and fuck you some more
Somebody help me!
Get off!
I'm gonna fucking kick your ass
here
ha thanks man
Another minute or two and the fucking freak woulda had his dick in me
sorry I couldn'r act sooner you alright?
weren't you wearing pants before
yeah
did you remember earlier than I really
um okay um okay I guess you
I am
consumed by a white-hot intense
berserker rage that will not be quelled
until I personally strangled the last
stinking breath out of that whiny
traitorous bitch anna maria
I feel ya
so let's go find that little dipshit post haste
you
fucking being touched me you know he's
dead now don't worry
what the fuck was that
an inbred hillbilly who'd been exposed
to massive levels of radiation I'm
thinking
yeah I'd go with that I just
hope we don't run into any more
I don't
care if there's a hundred of these
things out here nothing and I mean
nothing will stand in the way of me
exacting my vengeance on Anna Maria
count on it
so anyone else when I carry the giant
sack of money a little heavy
So what are we gonna do with all the money?
we no
that money is mine all of it
my life is gonna be jeopardized because
of this then I deserve a cut -
she's got
a point
you two haven't been through
half the shit I've been through over
that
okay so you get a bigger cut than
me but I'm just saying I think I deserve
a little something
you deserve a
steel-toed boot to the twat that's what
you deserve mmm
snap
Oh cute care to see
what I think you deserve
what the fuck
Mia where did you get that
it's mine
I always have a gun on me
I didn't
know that wait so you don't have a
cellphone but you always have a gun on
you
no phones is part of our image
nobody ever said anything about guns I
have enemies I need protection
Fair enough
Put the gun away Mia there are no disputes
here this money doesn't belong to any of
us and as soon as we find a phone or a
town we're turning it in
who appointed
you leader this outfit I think there
should be a discussion about this
right
clearly I'm the leader here I write the
lyrics you know
shut up
Daisy there's a
ton of money in that bag do you think
I'm just gonna give it all away then
you're a fucking moron
you heard what Ana Maria said there are
dangerous people after that money
They never met me yet
I'll show them six sides of dangerous
they've never even heard of
still it's
wrong
who are you to tell me what's
wrong the fucking morality police I
don't fucking care I've devoted my whole
existence to doing what's wrong
you're
not taking that money Mia
why the fuck
are we carrying it around if you don't
want it why not just leave it here
because those girls aren't getting it
either
I hate you all of a sudden is
there something else you should be doing
shouldn't you be hunting monsters or
something
I'm multitasking
if I can kill a three-headed dog monster
then what chance do you sand?
I don't care how tough you think you are one
bullet and you're out of my way for good
try me just fucking try me watch what
happens to you
what now Daisy Derkins
back-to-back fire at 20 paces
now why go
through all those formal theatrics when
when I can just take you out in one second
So this is an official challenge then?
Winner take all
no winner is taking back
Damn she's quick
My turn
Oh fuck
Shit
What the hell is that thing?
A fucking dinosaur
Not just any dinosaur
The blood thirstly beatst from Barren Pines
You're a fucking monster slayer, fucking do something
Wasn't I just fighting you?
I thought you said you can multitask
You wanna give me a hand here?
We can finish our business after
Shoot it Mia
As soon as this thing falls, Daisy comes tumbling after
What is all that?
Fucking war's going on
Come on guys
Don't drop the bag what's wrong with you?
fine have it your way
Now it's all mine again
Vex come here
let's let Buffy handle
this one that's our thing right monsters
She'll be fine let's run back and see
if that money's still there
and if annamaria has it
I've got plenty of
bullets left
it sound like like a gunfight was going
on but this girl did not die fr om any
gunfire
no she did not
it's not like last one don''t
it does
exactly but but all that gunfire
futile
attempt to save herself yep all those
bullets couldn't save her and I don't
see no damn creature carcass around so
whatever killed her survived that
hellacious barrage of gunfire so you
still think it's some black bear some
some poor kids
I don't know
come on man it's the second one today
you ain't ready to start believing in
monsters
monsters
well shit looks like she can't argue
about who gets the money now
good I don't like her anyway
I kind of
like her, I mean no not her personality
obviously I did kind of want to just
like dip my dick in it though
typical
okay
well let's grab that bag before another
dinosaur comes out and tries eat us
I
know it wasn't that some shit you don't
see anything like that every day
no you don't now let's
again
hey hey you okay
there have some of this
It's empty
hey wake up hey okay
come with me oh come on come with me
Oh fuck
why
me I have the worst fucking luck vex vex
are you here
yeah yeah I'm here
are you alright
no I am NOT all right
you're alive though
well yeah I am alive
can you see can you see better than me
can you see if those fuckers are still
here
I can see all around the
room but I don't see them anywhere
what
do you see
nothing a note really
fuck
heck got off easy one bite from that
dinosaur and that had at the end of him
at least he went quick
who knows what these fuckers are going
to do to us shit I always attract these
weird was don't I uh well I guess I kind
of bring it upon myself really
Mia
there's a there's this that's something
I've always wanted to tell you what
you're gay
no it's
ah don't tell me you
love me
please have some dignity for fuck's sake
I don't know I just I think I should say
something deep and heartfelt right about
now
we're not dead yet vex so why don't
you keep that deep and heartfelt shit to
yourself okay
I know we're not dead yet
that's why we should say this shit now
well what you can before were dead
maybe
Daisy Derkins will show up and save the
day
oh you mean the girl you tried to
shoot who he last saw being chased into
the woods by a fucking Allosaurus
It could happen come on man we found our way
I'd worse shit than this right
no we really
haven't this this is about as bad as it
gets
fuck man you sure you can't wiggle your
way out of that
Wait I hear something
what is it
I think it's them
fuck
it'll be alright
shit they still out
looks like
balls
ain't is much fun when they out just
make the most of what we got I reckon
fuck you
BAM that woke you up right
quick now didn't it
fuck you you fucking mutant you still
fucking in bred you probably dead soon
anyway
but not before we eat you and fuck your girlfriend
you'll
never get to chance
I got a chance to do
both right now you stupid son bitch we
got you and her tied up real nice and what the fuck are you gonna do about it?
She's a witch if you tried it if you trying to
kill us
she'll put a curse on you
I'm already cursed
let me tell you something boy
pay attention when I'm talking to you
he's a nice boy but he doesn't listen to
a word you say what's the worst that she
could do to me consider all this shit
God did to me already what kill me well
probably a good thing
yeah not just for me but for the whole
world
are you done you're arguing cuz I'm
getting mighty hunger you hear me too
and I'm not done arguing I have a
Die, just fucking die
why do you gotta talk to em like that they
just food does a puma talk to a hare
before he eats it does an owl talk to a mouse before he eats
just a bloodthirsty Beast the barren
Pines talk to anybody before he eats
them don't try to act like you're better
than they are you ain't you know you're
the predator they're the prey don't try
to make it into something more than it
really is
sheesh sorry now you want to eat first
you won't fuck
let's eat first not like
she's going anywhere and I can't fuck on
an empty stomach
well cut the pieces off
you want then
right
my that Satan's dick is mighty tasty
mm-hmm I can't believe he dead
you think I'm lying?
I saw
no it's just you know he was
always a tough son bitch
they had guns
he didn't that's what he gets for going
out unarmed
poor fella ain't gonna be the
same around here without him you know
this always been the tree of us since ma died
don't you go bringing up
ma again you know how misty eyed I
get
sorry
hey damn she was a beautiful
woman she shot him in the back you know
he never saw it coming
you think it was
these two what killed him
well there's no real way of knowing for
sure but that's how we're gonna play
this out
cuz it's more fun that way let me tell
you nothing beats to go to hate fuck
mm-hmm
so you want go first
of course I want to go first I don't want
your sloppy seconds
now you just stand
there and watch
I like to watch
besides you could take the wet hole and
I can take the dry hole problem solved no
sloppy seconds around here
watch
here she is
morning cupcake
get your fucking figure out of me
oh you don't like that and you're really
gonna hate the next few hours
look you want the money take it
I
already got that
fine fuck me then
if that's all you need to do
I'm in the indie punk scene I'm sure it's
probably something it as disgusting as
you before of course I would've been
drunk at the time, is there some whiskey
no I got nothing to dull the effect I
want you to experience every second I
want you to hate every second of this
dee dee guys like you before just get it
over with
oh no no you don't want us to rush this
once we're done here we're gonna cut you
all up and eat you like we did with
your boyfriend
okay that right there I
have a problem with
what can I say
payback's a bitch
payback what I ever do to you?
you killed our brother in the
woods
no I didn't
yes you did
I didn't
yes you did
bitch!
Is he alright?
he's dead and you're about to join him
Daisy Derkins is that you
yes now be quiet
Alright
you got me you got me Missy
I surrender
Come here then, I got a cuff for ya
er you have cuffs
quickly don't make me
come to you
wait you can't just let
him surrender kill that sick
motherfucker
he killed vex and he put his fucking
finger in me
is that true you killed him
yep ate him too
oh no I was too late for
him
right
that's why you have to fucking kill this guy
he ate vex and he would have eaten me
too
sexually and otherwise
you eat people
I sure do why don't you put down that
knife and I'll show ya
see he fuckin
eats people Daisy he isn't human he's a
monster look at him
now do your job and slay him you killed
his brother what's one more
but this
one's willing to surrender it's against
the hero code to kill anyone who wants
to surrender
those rules don't apply
here he isn't a soldier with a family at
home
he's a predatory monstrosity that will
keep raping and killing until we do
something about it right now
man this is
a tough call he eats people and uh does
appear more troll-like than human
just gimme a minute here, let me try to figure this out
what's going on Daisy
could you maybe just un tie first just
in case you don't win this Quite Mia I'm working, I'll be with you in a minute
I hope so
Now I got you
lucky me and with my brother's gone I
could have you both all to myself
oh you fight good Missy you fire real
good but I want you to save some of that
spunk for when I have you bait over my
workbench
and I can't wait to see what you taste like
Eat this
What the fuck
Daisy are you still alive
what's happening
he's dead they're both
dead it's all over
awesome thank you so much can you untie me now
depends are you gonna try
and kill me again
oh come on don't play
around like that you know you're here to
save me what else would you be here for
I was actually here more for vex and
the money
but you're a hero that's what
heroes do this is how you prove that
you're better than me like when he man
would see if Skeletor sometimes like I
know I may be an evil bitch but I'm
still human being
relax I'm gonna get
you out here I just want to see you
squirm for a minute
oh that's funny
that's really funny
hold still
thank you seriously
no more funny
business
I promise I'll be a good girl
you sure about Vex?
yeah I don't want to
talk about it let's get out of this
place it makes my skin crawl
of course
where's the money
I don't know I
couldn't really see what they were doing
here it is better grab this too
again I'm sorry I couldn't have made it
sooner
I guess that's the end of catatonic fuck puppet
yes fingers the first time in my life that
ever made a somewhat legitimate attempt
of making money
look what happens drummer gets eaten by
a dinosaur singer gets eaten by backwards cannibals
it's awful
I have no real marketable skills no
expensive education this whole punk rock
thing was like my only shot at making a
living without breaking any major laws
think weapons of ass destruction might
take you back
nah that ship has sunk
anyway I don't want to talk about this
anymore
it's depressing
okay
now we're right
back to where it all started wandering
the woods looking for a car or town
probably no closer to either than when
we first picked you up
I know
sucks doesn't it
and it's about to get a
whole lot suckier for you
ah Anna
Maria's friends I presume I was
wondering when you'd show up
you're too late though
she's dead
right she died and then you tried stealing the
money
dinosaur eat her so I took the
money
it wasn't stealing anymore on account of
her being eaten by the dinosaur dinosaur
Dinosaur
I'm sorry
the bloodthirsty beast of barren Pines
ever heard of it no
I doubt it
anyway after you tried stealing the
money
I need to explain how I wasn't
stealing again
it is stealing because
it's mine
ours we stole it first
and are you sure Anna Maria's dead
positive she couldn't handle the
bloodthirsty beast of barren Pines
that's what Daisy Derkins is for
fuck I
was really looking forward to murdering
that cunt oh well did she die
painfully
yeah it looked pretty gruesome
okay well I'll just have to find a
quantum of solace in that I guess
well sorry didn't get to kill your
friend
see ya
oh wait just a minute there
princess there's still the
issue of the money
damn I was hoping
you'd forget
and I got so worked up over
killing Anna Maria I just have to kill
somebody just to make the urges go away
a fight to the death is that what this
is building up to
mmm nah I think I'll
just shoot you and your friend I'm just
- too
too what
I'm too fuckin furious
should we be fighting too
probably
okay
cuz uh not not really feeling it
nope
no I've had I've just had the worst
day of my life my bandmates were eaten I've
been chased by a dinosaur
I was fingered by a fucking mutant and
I'd been walking around all day I'm just
exhausted
I was hitin the face with a
large stick felt up by a mutant I mean your day
sounds probably worse
I mean it's not at
all I'm an adverse to hurting people
because no that is that is one of my
favorite things but just today it's just
not one of those days
right no I
understand but then again you really
want that money don't you
yeah that's
another thing see if I step in and help
Daisy right now that money's going to
go right back where it came from because
Daisy's a do-gooder
oh then what the
fuck are you doing with her that's not
you listen we've got an opening in our
gang
so I've heard
so now it's
initiation time you say yourself your
bandmates are dead so that dream is over
if it ever was one so now you really
want that money you're not gonna get it
on Team Daisy so join us and then the
day is not a total loss hmm
that
certainly is a good pitch
thank you
the
thing is daisy saved my life
don't tell me
you've never double-cross somebody
before
well duh but you know it's just
today I'm just feeling more emotional
than usual
the choice is simple either
get rich quick or die along with Daisy
do gooder
mmm
I can't believe it guys we've been out
here almost all day to ever come across
a single living person
believe it city
boy we could be out here a whole month
and not see a single damn footprint
amazing we even found as much as we have
can't you like radio for a chopper so we
can get a better survey the landscape we
could be stuck the rest of our lives out
here
sounds just fine to me
it does
sure I'm thinking about doing
just that for a while now once I retire
have a little place out here in the
woods away from all the decay and
fucking corruption of the civilized
world look at this place it's beautiful
I'd love to live the rest of my life out
here a man can breathe out here
And what about the beast
I'm sure he agrees
with me
never mind
you know what I sure the hell couldn't live out here I need a
little more action and excitement
you know I'm thinking about taking the wife
and kids and moving down to Pittsburgh
maybe
all this we seen today and that ain't enough for you
this is a rare case
blaze this sure ain't the norm I want shit
like this all the time I need thrills
chills adventure you know aside from
this robbery murder thing and the
occasional dinosaur attack nothing ever
happens around here I need to be
challenged I need to live
it's the beast
Thank You Mia you've made a wise
decision
alright then we've hit her enough we've
got the cash let's just go
almost but
not quite
yeah
pick her up
let's go
good now one last thing
Evelyn no we don't have to kill her
maybe we don't but I do
why
because she kicked my ass that's why
I don't need that getting around that I
needed help to beat someone called Daisy
Derkins I have a reputation to maintain
but it's nothing to be ashamed of she's
the monster slayer
Mia don't be stupid
the only monster around here is greed
what then fuck is that noise?
fuck
aim higher
that's not gonna do any good it's just gonna irritate him
fuck you I've got a gun I'm gonna use it
back off this is my show
what the fuck
are you gonna do you couldn't even beat three tired girls
girls
that's what mr. Gas bomb is for
what the hell was that
a gas bomb I told you
not that I meant
Blood thirsty beast of barren Pines
what
bloodthirsty Beast of barren Pines
prehistoric monster of unknown origin
all right that's enough
sowho are you?
Sheriff Blaze thunders mam I'm
investigating some murders no
oh you're the law
yes ma'am
yeah well fuck you
we had our chance it's over
I can't keep turning my back on Daisy
let's have our fight
awesome i'm gonna fucking destroy you
that's it get comfortable with piggy
you're about to share his fate you see
when I think of the law here's what I
think of you
I saved you minute ago you noticed
that right
yeah I noticed but there was
still some business ugly business going
on before then
let's not get into that
the part where you fucking betrayed me
after I saved you from becoming a mutant
sex toy and dinner
but I saved you after
that that redeems me then right
I'll say that it does because I'm a nice person
there's still one thing I got to do
what's that
sheriff
what happened I must have
blacked out for a second
you were shot are you okay
oh yeah I've
been worse off this just gimme a hand getting up will ya
oh hell what
the hell happened to my star
it's in that
girl's head over there
mean that one
that tried to kill me
yep that's the one
well good done good
there beautiful
real good guessing these three here my
feed store robbers
two of them are this
one's not with them the other member of
the gang was eaten by the Beast a while
ago
oh that's this one we've seen the
bloody remains of
yeah
and what of the beasts I mean uh he's made it this far
against all odds seems a shame to just
see him die out here like this
that was
just a gas grenade he's asleep I tried
to kill him earlier but um
but he's
tough
shit maybe he can't be killed
maybe
you're right
well I'll make some calls
see what we can do with him whatever
happens you can be sure you'll be taken
to a place you could defy logic and
reason in peace maybe be provided with
some good beefy non-human food
and you
still have one living robber left to
question so you won't be going
empty-handed in that regard either
and the money
all there in that bag every
last dollar of it
well goddamn girlie
you got that money the robbers the Beast
what does a girl like you do for an encore
you'll just have to wait till next time