Damn Yankees (1958) Movie Script
- You're out.
- Out?
You're nuts. He's nuts.
Back home in Hannibal, we had
heat over a 100, lots of times.
Okay. So, Halbrick, don't try to murder it.
Just slip one through the infield.
- Slide.
- You're out.
Is Washington winning, dear?
No. Those damn Yankees.
Come on, Smokey. I can count on you.
Casper Niles tried to fry an egg
on the sidewalk in front
of his drug store once.
Good ol' Smokey. He got a hit.
In Hannibal, they were always saying,
"cool air was on its way from Canada."
I certainly don't see
any sign of it here. Do you?
- Do you?
- Do I what?
See any sign of cool air?
What? What you're blind.
Ump, you're blind.
See any sign of what, dear?
Oh, never mind.
It wasn't important.
When we met in 1938
it was November
when I said that I would be his mate
it was December
I reasoned he would be
the greatest husband
that a girl had ever found
that's what I reasoned
that's what I reasoned
then April rolled around
strike three ball four
walk the run will tie the score
you're blind ump you're blind ump
you must be out of your mind ump
six months out of every year
I might as well be made of stone
six months out of every year
When I'm with him
I'm alone
six months out of every year
when I cook for them it never pays
instead of praising my goulash
they're just praising
the plays of Willie Mays
he's out he's safe
he's out he's safe he's...
six months out of every year
I might as well be wearing crepe
life is just an awful bore
from which I find
he's out he's safe
he's out he's safe he's out
no escape
you're blind ump you must be
out of your mind ump
April May June July
August and September
six months out of every year
you're blind ump you're blind ump
you must be out of your mind ump
Don't try to murder it.
Just slip one through the infield.
Oh! The ball's in the dirt, and he swings.
If we had one long ball hitter. Just one!
Honestly, Joe, you're gonna get yourself
a heart attack if you keep this up.
- Or at least ulcers.
- Wham!
Oh, Joe! Nah!
My friend's sister and Doris,
they like baseball.
But they don't suffer so.
Well, I'm going to bed.
I've got the bridge club tomorrow.
- Goodnight.
- Yeah. Sure.
I mean, goodnight.
Uh, uh... goodnight, old girl.
Wham! One long ball hitter.
That's what we need.
I'd sell my soul for one long ball hitter.
- Good evening.
- Who are you?
- A man who agrees with you.
- Agrees?
One long ball hitter.
That's what the team needs.
You're right about that.
You live around here?
My name is Applegate.
And I think we have something in common.
A love of the national game.
Oh, you bet. You bet.
Care to sit down?
Thank you.
You don't like to see
the Senators in seventh place?
Well, they may pull together yet.
I'm here to make you a proposition.
Not only would you like to see
Washington win a pennant,
but your secret yearning all your life
has been to be a baseball player yourself.
I wasn't so bad in high school.
Not so bad?
They were scouting you for Kansas City.
You still got your spiked shoes
and your glove.
They're up in your bedroom.
Who told you?
Would you like to be the greatest
baseball player in all history?
Big joke.
No joke.
You can be a great ball player.
I can't even bend over and touch my toes.
Try it. Just for laughs.
What do ya know?
With my help, a lot of things come easy.
Oh, uh... do you smoke?
Hey. How'd you pull that off?
I'm handy with fire.
Who are you?
I am quite a famous character, Mr. Boyd.
I have historical significance, too.
"Cause I said so.
Well, alright. If Meg's awake, alright.
Listen, mister,
I don't know what the gag is,
but I... I mean, what's the idea? I...
For heavens sake. Joe.
My goodness, talkin' to yourself.
So you finally flapped your lid.
What are you doing out here
talking to yourself, in the dark?
Talking to who?
That's a sign of old age, you know, Joe.
Talking to yourself.
Is anything the matter?
No, I... I was just thinking
about the game.
Oh, we went to the game yesterday.
It was ladies day.
And I must say, the hot dogs
out at the park
aren't what they used to be.
I had the poorest hot dog
yesterday, I ever had.
Is Meg still up?
She went to bed, a while ago.
Well, we'll see her
at bridge club tomorrow.
We just came from our ballet lesson.
They couldn't see you.
No, they couldn't.
An amusing little stunt.
It was all the rage in the middle ages.
You mean, you really are...
Can't believe it, huh?
But, but that's crazy.
It can't be.
The world is full of crazy things.
- Crazier every day.
- Oh, gosh.
What are you doing here?
Great events spring forth great men, Joe.
They arise from nowhere.
They take command.
That's history.
What are you talking about?
I have chosen you...
The most dedicated partisan of
the noble Washington Senators,
to be the hero, who leads them
out of the wilderness to the championship.
The Senators are in seventh place.
Your powerful bludgeon and sparkling play
will inspire the team to greatness.
We'll call you Hardy.
Joe Hardy.
You'll be 22 years old.
They'll put a new wing
on that baseball museum
at Cooperstown dedicated to you.
"The Hardy shrine.
What do you want me to do?
Just leave everything to me.
- But my job, my wife.
- This is a big operation.
You can't let things like that
stand in the way.
I just disappear, is that it?
Very simple.
What happens after I stop
being a baseball player?
Then where would I be?
Well, now, of course
that's fairly well known.
- Yes, but I have...
- After all...
There's nothing unusual about it.
How do you suppose
some of these politicians
around town got started?
And parking lot owners?
- But still what they say...
- Look.
I've got something to trade here.
I'm offering you a chance to be
what you've wanted to be all your life.
In my business, we have what you
call an escape clause.
This is not a real estate deal.
If I don't like it, I ought
to be able to get out.
- Get out?
- I've got my wife to consider.
Alright, alright. I don't wanna
hear anymore about your wife.
Wives, they cause me more trouble
than the Methodist church.
I'm trying to be understanding,
but all this haggling...
- No. I won't do it.
- Alright.
I'll give you a chance to get out.
Oh, sure. In that case...
On the 24th of September at midnight.
I wouldn't do it, but I don't want to have
those damn Yankees win.
- You can say that again.
- It's a deal.
- It is?
- Now the other hand.
- That's all?
- Sure.
What do you expect to do, sign your name
in blood or some phony stunt like that?
Come on. The team needs you.
Let's not waste any more time.
I just got to leave a note.
Sure. Right away.
I'll get a taxi.
Goodbye old girl
my old girl
when you awaken I'll be gone
can't tell you where I go
it isn't fair I know
but trust in me and carry on
goodbye old friend
my old friend
there's something I must let you know
I haven't said it much
I guess I've lost my touch
but my old girl I love you so
now I know it hasn't all been roses
we've had squabblin' days
when tears were brought about
but in a moment or two
we would Bill and Coo
and never even knew
what we fought about
and now your Joe
has to go
but he'll come back to you again
so sleep your sleep old girl
our love will keep old girl
till then.
Turn around.
Come on. Cab's waiting.
Did you...
I can't believe it! Wham!
And though your Joe
has to go
he may come back to you again
so sleep your sleep old girl
our love will keep old girl
till then
Goodbye old girl
my old girl
goodbye.
- Come on.
- Who me?
I'm always waitin' on you.
Not me. You're thinking of
a couple of other guys.
It's a mighty fine policy.
Do ya have to sell insurance
in the summer too?
I don't have to, but when I
see a guy like you
that ain't covered, I get worried.
I've been uncovered
a long time. I don't worry.
Everybody ought to have
an insurance program.
Next year maybe.
How's the crossword comin', Smokey?
Very difficult.
So Ferguson gave me the signal to steal.
It was a pitch out.
And when I got to second,
everybody's waitin' for me
except Ford Frick.
Hey, Lyndy.
What's a three letter word
for "a sticky substance?"
Spit? No, that's four.
- Gum.
- Gum!
Pay attention to what I'm
tellin' you, will you?
Look. What sign's this?
- Hit and run, sure.
- Right.
Now you're still at bat.
I take. Okay. Now the count is two and one.
- I don't do nothin'.
- How can you not do nothin'?
If I wipe the take sign,
watch what follows.
- You go for it.
- Sure.
Why couldn't you remember that last night?
You could have cost us a big inning.
It's not that I'm dumb, Benny.
Oh. Nobody said anything
about your being dumb...
Exactly.
It's just that when we play the Yankees,
I kinda tense up.
You know, I kinda lose my head.
I figure what the heck's the use.
Will you listen to this guy?
Benny? Benny, there is somethin'
different about 'em.
What do you mean?
Well, we don't make them same goofus
when we're playin' Kansas City?
That's what I'm talking about.
Boys, I know you're not yellow.
Smokey, you're crashin' the fences
till you drive me crazy.
Rocky, you played three games
with a broken hand.
It's just that your mental state
is off in left field some place.
Now listen to me.
This game of baseball is only
one half skill.
The other half is something else.
Something bigger.
You gotta have heart
all you really need is heart
when the odds are saying
you'll never win
that's when the grin should start
you gotta have hope
mustn't sit around and mope
nothings half as bad as it may appear
wait till next year and hope
when your luck is battin' zero
get your chin up off the floor
mister you can be a hero
you can open any door
there's nothin' to it but to do it
you gotta have heart
miles and miles and miles of heart
Oh it's fine to be a genius of course
but keep that old horse before the cart
first you gotta have heart
a great slugger we haven't got
a great pitcher we haven't got
a great ball club we haven't got
what do we got?
We've got heart
all you really need is heart
when the odds are saying
you'll never win
that's when the grin should start
now you're gettin' the idea j
we've got hope
we don't sit around and mope
not a solitary sob do we heave
mister 'cause we've got hope
Boys, I'm proud of ya.
We're so happy that we're hummin'
that's the hearty thing to do
'cause we know our ship will come in
so it's ten years overdue
we've got heart
miles and miles and miles of heart
Oh it's fine to be a genius of course
but keep that old horse before the cart
so what the heck's the use of crying?
Why should we curse?
We got to get better
'cause we can't get worse
and to add to it
we've got heart
we've got heart we've got heart
okay, Smokey, baby. Let's go get 'em.
- Right.
- Now, boys!
Don't forget what I told you.
You bet ya, Benny.
Come on, rocky. You tell him.
We've got heart
miles and miles and miles of heart
oh it's fine to be a genius of course
but keep that old horse before the cart
who minds them pop bottles flying
the hisses and boos
the team has been consistent
yeah we always lose
but we're laughing 'cause
we've got heart
Come on, Smokey, we'll get 'em.
We've got heart.
That's my boys. Now tear 'em apart.
Hello, Benny.
I've often wondered what this
team did to keep up its morale.
We didn't invite the press
this morning, Gloria.
Ah, Benny, you're very foolish to have
this prejudice against me
just because I'm a woman.
My paper gives you as much space
as the others do.
I only wondered why you got here so early.
I came down to see the naked men.
Could be.
What will I say?
Don't worry about a thing, Joe.
I'll be right with you.
But... but if you just explain
how it all works.
Suppose when you were young,
you'd had this chance.
- How would you feel?
- Oh, boy.
Ah, don't "oh, boy" me. You've got it.
For free, practically.
Just act the way you would
if it was 25 years ago.
Enjoy it, Joe. I do.
Benny, my boss is very anxious to find out
what some of your players think
of the Yankees.
I'll tell you something right now.
My boys won't play dead for
the yanks or any other club.
Are you Mr. Van Buren,
the Washington manager?
Why make something out of the Yankees?
They're a swell bunch of fellas and we...
Oh, yes, they're very polite.
And then they beat your brains out.
Ah, the yanks are just another ball club
as far as we're concerned.
I read somewhere they're talking about
handicapping the Yankees.
Making them carry extra weight,
like race horses.
Yeah? So what's on your mind, Mac?
Applegate is my name, uh... My card, sir.
I'm busy. See my secretary.
- Oh, Mr. Van Buren, um...
I am a long time fan of the
Washington Senators...
Listen, Mac, I told you I'm busy.
And, um, for some time now, I have been
beating the bushes for talent.
And, uh, this is my protege.
Young Joe Hardy.
Joe's quite a boy with a bat in his hands,
and I'd like you to give him a trial.
Where you been playin', son?
Oh, um... here and there.
- Where's here and there?
Well, if you just give me a chance
Mr. Van Buren, just let me hit a few.
What have you got to lose?
Smokey.
He can hit the ball a country mile.
- You want me, Benny?
- Yeah.
Take this boy down to the batting cage.
Gee, thanks, Mr. Van Buren.
And I certainly...
Tell buster to throw him a few.
Sure thing. Let's go, Mac.
Just a minute.
Where do you think you're going?
Well, my protege may need my advice.
Buster will give him
all the advice he needs.
If you want to watch, go out in the stands.
The field is for ball players.
You don't mind, do you?
Love it, Mac. Just love it.
Are you coming, my attractive friend?
Well, I'll look. But nothing will happen.
You wanna bet?
Hey I can't... I can't get these on.
Here, buddy. Try these.
Gee, thanks.
What's the idea, that your boy
can't get his shoes on?
Ah! Ha ha ha. It's my fault. Uh...
An oversight.
The boys grow bigger these days.
What are you talking about?
Have you got a good seat?
Of course not. You can't trust
any newspaper woman.
But what am I gonna do?
Not bad.
I just can't believe the kid
is as good as all that.
How could he be?
Where would he have been keeping himself?
- Henry.
- Yes, Benny.
Go out there and tell buster to throw hard.
He is throwing hard.
Can't you hear him grunt?
Well, go out there
and tell him to bear it down.
Sure, Benny.
Battin' practice is one thing.
But how does he do in a game, huh?
He's got a nice swing.
- He's gone.
- Over the fence.
Just luck. This is costin' the club money.
Hey, kid.
Yeah, you. Come here.
What did you say your name was? Joe, uh...
Yes sir, Joe. Joe Hardy.
Well, you hit the ball pretty good.
- Thanks.
- How's your fielding?
- Uh, I don't know.
- You don't know?
Well, I... I mean... I meant my
manager was supposed...
You want me, Joe?
Well, yeah Mr. Applegate.
They, uh, they want me to field some.
Well, go ahead, boy.
You can do anything, you know that.
How do you like my boy, Mr. Van Buren?
- Not bad.
- Not bad?
Did he kiss that horsehide
right out of the park?
Did he get the fat end
of the bat on that pill?
Bye bye, baby. How about that?
Hey. Who's up there? Mel Allen?
Hey! He's got an arm.
Got an arm? He's got an arm like a Cannon.
What's the story on this kid?
You saw the way he was hittin'
em, didn't you?
Over the garden wall.
Attaboy, Joe. Rifle it home, boy.
- Rifle it home.
- Where's he come from?
His name is Joe Hardy.
Who's he been playing for?
He weighs a 193 pounds
and he chews juicy fruit.
You're a big help.
Never played on anything,
but sand lot ball, huh?
Whereabouts?
- Out west.
- Yeah.
The, uh, the Midwest. Uh... Hannibal.
- Hannibal, Missouri.
- Is that your home town?
Uh, yeah, that's it.
Boy, it, uh, it sure
gets hot there sometimes.
We just sit around and wait
for that cold air
to come down from Canada.
- Well, you do pretty good.
- Gee, thanks.
I think we might give you a contract.
Send you out to one of our farm
clubs. For a little seasoning.
Seasoning? That's ridiculous.
- How about it, kid?
- Uh, no, no.
- I don't think so.
- What do you mean?
Well, uh, I um... I haven't got time.
- Time?
- Baseball's in a rut.
If babe Ruth came here
looking for a chance,
you would send him
to little rock for three years.
Alright, Joe. Come on. We'll go
where we'll be appreciated.
Gee, Mr. Van Buren. Give me
one more chance, will you?
- I love the Senators.
- So do I.
And there's only a few of us left.
Get your bat.
Buster.
More seasoning, huh?
The ball is only going for a 600 foot ride.
That's the longest ball
I ever saw in my life.
I swallowed my chewing tobacco.
I just can't believe it.
Where would he have been all these years?
Okay, you win, get a uniform.
- You mean it?
- I mean it.
Well, I made it. Oh, man, oh, man.
Hey, Mr. Applegate,
how could I ever thank you.
I'll find some way.
Your attention please.
Now coming into bat for Sohovic
number two, Joe Hardy.
There he comes now, that's the kid
I wrote the story about.
Strike!
Right down the middle.
Why don't you look at it, you bum?
What a ball club!
Where did they pick him up?
What a belt!
Clean over the fence.
I told you that guy looked good
when he first come up to bat.
It's just too good to be true, Mr. Welch.
In practice, he was terrific.
Well, I said to myself,
he'll choke up when he gets in the game.
He bounced two out of the ballpark.
Well, let's do anything
we can to make him happy.
Let's get a lot of publicity.
- No, no, no, not yet.
- Huh?
He seems to be afraid of reporters.
- Afraid?
- Yeah.
I showed him that cute story
Gloria Thorpe did yesterday about his shoes
and I swear he turned pale.
She's down there now trying
to get a follow up on it.
But Joe's ducking her.
He's a strange boy, Mr. Welch.
Very strange.
What's Joe trying to do anyway?
- Avoid me?
- Oh, no, miss Thorpe.
- He wouldn't do that.
- Well...
Didn't he like that stuff
I wrote yesterday?
You guys would go for that, wouldn't you?
- Any time, lady.
- Now tell me.
What's he like really?
- He takes it serious.
- Oh, dedicated Dan, huh?
- Huh?
- Wait a minute. I got it.
Shoeless Joe Hardy.
Is that what you're gonna call him?
It's what everybody's gonna call him.
Shoeless Joe, huh? That's pretty good.
I'll help you celebrate, boys.
- Oh, what's the gag?
- Let's make Joe famous.
- Sure, I'm willing.
- Okay.
How do we make him famous?
Shoeless Joe from Hannibal, MO.
Shoeless Joe from Hannibal, MO.
A little hoedown in honor of our new star.
Shoeless Joe from Hannibal, MO.
What'd you say his name was?
Shoeless Joe from Hannibal, MO.
She's gonna call him shoeless Joe!
Gee, miss Thorpe, you sure
get some wonderful ideas.
Oh, I got lots of ideas.
Who came along in a puff of smoke?
Shoeless Joe from Hannibal, MO.
Strong as the heart of a mighty oak
shoeless Joe from Hannibal, MO.
Lucky are we to be having him
shoeless Joe from Hannibal, MO.
Just when the future was lookin' grim
shoeless Joe from Hannibal, MO.
Came a long long way
to be with us today
with arms of steel like Hercules
feet as fleet as Mercury's
he'll fight for us do right for us
he'll be a beacon light for us
he's shoeless Joe from Hannibal, MO.
Go like a bat out-a you know where
shoeless Joe from Hannibal, MO.
Strike at the foe
let 'em know you're there
shoeless Joe from Hannibal, MO.
Shoeless Joe from Hannibal, MO.
Came upon the scene
as fresh as Listerine
he sneezed and blew away a calf
his laughter ripped the barn in half
go go go go Joe
like sevens come elevens come
like manna from the heavens come
it's shoeless Joe from Hannibal, MO.
Go like a bat out-a you know where
shoeless Joe from mo
strike at the foe
let 'em know you're there
shoeless Joe from mo
look out look out look out
look out for shoeless Joe
the barefoot boy from Hannibal, MO.
Joe Joe Joe Joe Joe Joe Joe Joe
Look out look out look out
look out for shoeless Joe
from Hannibal, MO.
Joe Joe Joe Joe Joe Joe Joe Joe
Why not?
You can't just sit around and mope,
it's not good for your liver.
I'm not moping. I'm just thinking.
Megsie, you've gotta live.
I am living.
- Like we do.
- I'll tell you what.
You come with Doris and me.
We're going down to the station
this afternoon
and watch Gregory peck
come in on the train.
No, I don't think so.
Well, tomorrow there's a ball game.
No, thanks.
Listen, Meg, you might as well face it.
Joe is never coming back.
Oh, I think he is.
Honey, don't you know?
- He's left you flat.
- No, he hasn't.
I'm sure he hasn't.
He'll come back.
He's going on with that chick
in the drugstore.
Mr. Van Buren won't like it.
Hey, want to join up with me, slugger?
- She's got a friend.
- Oh, I guess not, rocky.
- Thanks, anyhow.
- Some other time.
Keep away from me, man.
You're a bad influence.
- Something the matter, kid?
- What?
Oh, no, no, not a thing.
Seems like, uh, you ain't kinda
feeling so good lately.
I was just thinking.
You married?
- Say, uh, how did you know?
- Had a fight with her, huh?
Oh, no, no, nothing like that. Not exactly.
It ain't good for your game,
Joe, to get so, so glum.
Go see her, cheer yourself up.
- Uh, he wouldn't like it.
- Huh?
- Who wouldn't?
- Forget it.
Well, don't let her get you
in no dark corner.
By gosh, you gave me an idea.
You know, I think I will.
Will what, Joe?
I'll go see her.
Well, we'll go ahead with the lunch
while you finish up in here.
Come on, Doris.
You're the sandwich expert.
You're telling me.
There's something about
an empty chair
that makes me feel afraid
when he is not sitting there
and since he's gone away
the house seems much too bear
empty am I
with my empty chair
full of longing for hope..
- I wanna be Joe Hardy.
- I wanna be Joe Hardy.
No, I wanna be Joe Hardy.
To think of where we left off
there's something about
an empty bed
it's lonely with his covers
smooth from foot to head
no Joe to hug
my pillow has to do instead
empty am I
with my empty life
For without a husband
what is
a wife.
Come.
Oh, I'm sorry. I thought you
were the deliveries.
Oh, I came about...
Well, that is someone said you had a room
you might be willing to rent.
Me rent a room?
Well, that's what they said,
some fella down at the corner.
I'm looking for a nice quiet place.
Well, my goodness, I never even
thought of renting a room.
Well, I wouldn't be any trouble,
I can promise you that.
Well, I'm sure you wouldn't, but...
- You see, mister, mister...
- Uh, Hardy.
Uh, Joe Hardy.
My husband's name is Joe.
Oh, is that so?
That's quite a coincidence.
He's away.
- Well, that's too bad.
- Yes, it's...
- For long?
- No, not too long.
I hope, he had to go on a trip and...
Maybe that's why this fella thought
you might have an extra room.
- Meg?
- Oh, dear, excuse me.
We're cooking for the bridge
club, a friend of mine,
her sister from my hometown.
Just make yourself at home.
I think it'd be a good idea,
that's what I think.
Well, we ought to meet him first.
Oh, he's a good boy.
You could just tell that.
Come on, you can introduce us.
Well, wait till I fix my hair, dumbbell.
Oh, yeah.
Oh, I'm sorry to have taken so long.
My friends think it'll be good
for me to take in a boarder.
Well, I'd certainly appreciate it.
Well, they're coming right in to meet you.
Okay.
Now, um, I have a room
that was my husband's den
that we use as a guest room,
has a nice studio couch.
- Would you like to see it?
- I know it'll be alright.
And, uh, another thing,
I'd have to ask you not to use
the downstairs when I have bridge club.
- That's every three days.
- Well, that wouldn't bother me.
I... I go away quite a bit anyhow.
I'd be out of town for like two
or three weeks at a time.
Oh. Oh, here they are.
I want you to meet my friends.
Um, sister Miller.
- Hello, there.
- Doris Miller.
- How do you do?
- And this is Mr. Harper.
Isn't it a gorgeous day?
Oh! Oh, my goodness.
- This is Joe Hardy.
- What?
You're Joe Hardy, aren't you?
Yeah, I guess I am.
It's Joe Hardy, Meg.
He's not Mr. Harper, it's Joe Hardy.
Why, he's the greatest baseball...
Oh, my goodness.
I'm flabbergasted.
Oh, gee, Joe...
You don't know what's happened to you, Meg.
He's a hero.
Yes, good morning.
I'm from city hall.
- Where?
- City hall.
Just serving official notice
in the neighborhood.
- What kind of notice?
- A new zoning law.
No one is permitted to take
roomers in this neighborhood.
But they do, people do.
- Effective as of today.
- What's this?
- This man said I...
- It's alright, Meg.
I mean, Mrs. Boyd, I... I know this man.
Just... just let me talk to him,
I'll be right in.
Really, Mr. Applegate, this is
carrying things too far.
Well, do you think I like it,
wasting my time?
Not to mention the money spent on costumes.
Don't you just know what I'm
doing without all that effort?
No, Joe, I have to do most
things the hard way.
The only thing that comes really
easy is the cigarette trick.
And now I'm trying to break
myself of the filthy habit.
Is it anything so terrible
just want to come home?
It's gauche.
You know how I feel about home and wives?
Well, you don't own me yet,
not till the 24th.
Look, Joe. I'm going to send
for a beautiful girl.
A real sexy baby.
I don't want a real sexy baby.
And if you want to know what's happened,
I've rented a room here.
But I told you
to stay away from...
Ooh, my hoof...
He's gone.
What'd he you say?
Oh, he's just a practical joker.
Oh, well, I'm not much
of a judge of character.
That's what my husband always said.
We're gonna fix your room up
with a lot of Jo-Jo baseball
pictures, Mr. Hardy.
My husband's a great fan, you know?
Oh, a fanatic.
Every night in front of that television set
you'd see that big fat slob sitting there.
- Hello?
- I need you, Lola.
What?
Oh, hello.
Oh, is that you, chief?
I want you here in Washington.
But, chief, I'm still working on Clarence.
I've got to put you on a new assignment.
Alright, chief, I'll get there.
I'll work hard. I'll finish 'em
up and be there tomorrow.
Well, see you do. Good-bye.
All I can say is the press
has been pretty good to Joe.
Maybe he ought to co-operate.
We can't write anything
if Joe can't remember anything.
You must have some family.
No, no, nobody. They've all passed away.
Gone. Dead.
What about friends?
Well, he's got one friend I know of.
Put me down, little girl.
What about friends back in Hannibal,
heard from any of them?
Uh, well...
If you will, uh, permit me to say a word.
I happen to represent the Hannibal bugle
and, uh, I'm telling you
right now that everybody
in our little old town is just as proud
as pumpkins of little old Joe.
Well, thank little old you,
and thank little old Joe.
Quit riding the boy, will you?
He's gone from pinch hitter to
idol of the nation in one month.
He's made our whole team come to life.
He told you about those shoes.
He just picked up the wrong pair.
Now if you want to ask any more
questions, ask me.
Okay.
Do you think Washington
will win the pennant?
Yeah, when I swim the channel.
What's so funny?
What's so darn funny about
Washington winning the pennant?
Well, who's winning more games than we are?
Oh, no, Joe.
I don't see why it's such a funny idea
that we should cut the pennant.
All we have to do is win games.
Hear, hear.
I... I guess I talked to much.
No, you didn't.
These newspaper people don't know
what it means to have
your heart in a ball club.
I tell you in baseball,
anything can happen.
You said we'd never
make the first division.
But we're there.
Now, I say we'll have that pennant sewed up
by the 25th of September.
That's what we think, isn't it, Joe?
The 25th. The season ends at 25th?
That's right, boy.
We'll have it sewed up by the 24th.
There's a statement for ya.
How sneaky can a fella get?
Lola!
Hiya, chief.
- Well?
- Here I am.
- Have a nice trip?
- Oh, perfect.
The plane crashed in Cleveland.
Good. Now, about that job in Chicago.
Just dandy.
I got the old boy to embezzle
a hundred thousand dollars
and lost it for him at the racetrack.
Then his wife left him
and he took to drink.
I told him I was through
and he jumped out the window.
Twenty-second story.
That's high enough. That's fine.
I'm gonna try the empire state building
on this next one.
No, no, no, no, no, Lola.
This is a straight seduction job.
A new boy I just got hold of.
Look, Lola, I, uh, I've done
a terribly foolish thing.
I'm really ashamed to confess it.
I've let this real estate idiot talk me
into an escape clause.
- I've never heard of it.
- You'll never hear of it again.
It slipped by me, I... I've got
too much on my mind.
- I'm overworked.
- Oh, I know, poor dear.
- Elections coming up.
- Yeah.
So when I made this Joe Hardy deal...
- Joe Hardy?
- That's his name.
He's a baseball player.
Yeah, no, Clarence
just raved about him.
- Who's Clarence?
- You know.
Oh, yeah, that one.
Look, Lola, here's the tie up.
This is a mass torture deal
like the thirty years war.
I've got thousands
of Washington fans drooling
under the illusion that the Senators
are gonna win the pennant.
Oh, chief, that's awfully good.
When they lose, there will be suicides
and heart attacks and apoplexy.
Just like the good old days.
But the key to the whole thing
is this Joe Hardy.
And he wants to go home to his wife.
Well, don't worry, chief,
you know I'm pretty good
at making men forget their wives.
This is a routine case.
I'll give him the standard
vampire treatment.
Sure, sure, uh, there isn't a homewrecker
on my staff better than you, Lola.
But this fellow is stubborn.
Oh, come on, chief, you
know I've got what it takes.
Don't make me brag.
I took the zing out of the king of Siam
I took the starch out of the sails
of the prince of Wales
it's no great art
getting the heart of a man
on a silver platter
a little brains a little talent
with an emphasis on the latter
I made mincemeat
out of a sweet young farmer
I knocked the fight
out of a knight
when I pierced his armor
and I'll bet I could upset every male
in a Yale regatta
a little brains a little talent
with an emphasis on the latter
you've gotta know just what to say
and how to say it
you've gotta know what game to play
and how to play it
you gotta stack those decks
with a couple of extra
Aces
and this queen has her aces
in all the right places
I've done much more than that old bore
Delilah
I took the curl out of the hair
of a millionaire
there is no trick
getting some hick who is cool
just a little warmer
a little talent a little brains
with an emphasis on the former
Split up a home
way up in Nome
Alaska
and wreck the life
of every wife
down in Madagascar
ask me why weak men"ll die for me
strong men simply shatter
a little brains a little talent
with an emphasis on the latter
you've gotta know just what to do
and how to do it
you've gotta know what tea to brew
and how to brew it
Delilah claim no haircut made her man
a weakling
but when she turned the lamps on
guess who was with Samson
bring on that boy
he'll be a toy
to Lola
just one more case
she can erase
with that old Zambola
what's my plan?
Same as with any man
I'll use the standard platter
plus a little this-a
and a little that-a
with an emphasis
on the
on the latter.
Lola, this is the one.
Well, what do you think?
Duck soup.
I'll go put on my working clothes.
See you after the game.
Nice going, Joe.
Yeah, we jumped over a team, that's all.
- Yeah, boy.
- We'll eat 'em for less.
Hardy!
Ain't had such a good time in years.
Well, I hope those
so-called bombers enjoyed
themselves as much as I did.
Hey, you look pretty
near like a ball player today.
Three for five, kid, three for five.
Now, boys, get some sleep.
- Three for five!
Now, tomorrow, we'll pin their ears back
and bow knot for them.
Right.
Mr. Applegate, I'd like to ask
you just one more question.
When Joe was back in Hannibal,
did he have the same name?
Yes. Hardy.
You spell it with an "h."
What's so funny?
Uh, something came to mind.
It isn't important.
He played a nice game today.
His batting average
went up three more points.
Now it's 524.
That's not bad for a raw rookie.
Yes. Very raw.
Lovely girl.
I know she'll make some nice
young men very unhappy.
Three for five.
Hey, rock, that dumb blonde tomato
from the drug store is out there
waiting for you.
Three for five?
She asked was I the reception committee.
You are sure dressed for the part.
- Okay, baby, here I come.
- Good evening, gentlemen.
Good evening.
Ah, great game, Joe.
Great game.
- Goodnight, Joe.
- Goodnight, Joe.
Goodnight, Joe, - Goodnight, Joe.
- See ya.
- Well, Joe...
We showed those Yankees, didn't we?
Well, if we could just take
that double-header tomorrow
wouldn't that be great?
You will, you will.
I feel it in my bones. Oh, Joe.
Joe, did you happen to notice
the charming young lady
sitting in the box with me?
- Yeah, I saw somebody.
- She wants to meet you.
I'll bring her in.
Wait till I get my pants on.
That's my boy.
You know, I got sort of a date tonight.
At home, I mean.
I know, you don't like it.
Ah, I do like it, Joe.
I've changed my mind.
- I want you to be happy.
- Thanks.
But this is a real sweet kid
and she wants to meet you, so I...
Well, sure, sure.
Lola.
She was talking about you
all through the game.
Ah, here we are.
This is my friend Lola.
- How do you do?
- This is Joe Hardy.
I have seen him from a distance.
And admired him.
You should not tell that I admire.
Joe, this is senorita Lolita Hernando.
You may have seen her picture in the paper.
She was miss west indies.
Well, it certainly
is a pleasure to meet you.
Thank you.
Joe, uh...
Keep Lola a company a second.
I gotta get a hot dog.
Oh, but, uh...
Where are my manners?
You wanna sit down?
You are so polite.
This is where you all get ready.
Yes, ma'am.
Interesting.
Oh, the truth is, Mr. Joe,
I do not know how to talk
to a man so famous like you.
Oh, how about you miss west indies,
that's going some.
Oh, it is silly.
I am ashamed, he told you.
Mr. Applegate tries
to show me off too much.
Because my pictures in the papers
and because maybe I'm pleasing
to look in a bathing suit.
Is that important?
Well, uh, as the fellas
around here would say,
"it ain't bad."
Oh, no, Joe, what is inside me
if I am an interesting person,
that is important.
Oh, I agree.
Thank you.
What is those?
Oh, uh, that... that's
when we pack our duffel
when we go on the road.
Oh, Joe.
You like music, you like dancing?
I'm not very hot at dancing, but, uh,
I like, I like music though.
I studied the cornet for three years.
You help me down,
please?
Oh, sure.
Thank you.
I, um...
I really studied for four years...
Uh, my, uh, my... my teacher said
I had a... a... a... a natural lip.
For playing the cornet that is,
I mean, well...
To... to play the cornet,
you just gotta have good lips.
Oh, gosh.
Oh, Joe
you are a wonderful boy.
- I am?
- You are so honest.
Oh, I'm honest but I'm dumb, too.
Oh, I like people
who do not brag about themselves.
Me too. I wonder where Applegate...
You know something?
I think you and I feel just alike about...
Things.
We do?
I think we should become
to know each other quite well.
Joe...
Would you like to take Lola
some place tonight?
Gee, I-I sure would like to but, uh...
You know what Mr. Van Buren would say.
He'd say, "you lucky boy."
No, no. He'd say it's late.
He likes us to get to bed early.
Any particular place?
Oh, Joe...
You think I am a naughty girl.
No, I... I don't, only, uh...
Well, you see, I rented a room
out in Chevy chase
this afternoon and I promised
to move in tonight.
I've got to go home.
Home?
Yes, I promised to be there.
You want to hurt Lola's feelings?
No, no. I don't want to hurt
anybody's feelings.
Well, Lola wants you to say with her.
Oh, we... we have to keep training,
strict rules and all that.
You can tell me all the rules.
You're... you're making things
very complicated.
Then be a good boy.
I'm... I'm trying to.
And do like Lola tells you to do.
Whatever Lola wants
Lola gets
and little man
little Lola
wants you
make up your mind to have
no regrets
recline yourself
resign yourself
you're through
I always get
aim for
and your heart and soul
is what I came for
Whatever Lola wants
Lola gets
no use to fight
don't you know you
can't win
You're no exception to the rule
I'm irresistible you fool
give in
give in
give in
Hello Joe
it's me
he hits so far
hold on that's you
Hold on
Peek-a-boo
I always get
aim for
and your heart and soul
is what I came for
Lola wants
Lola gets
you'll never win
I'm irresistible you fool
give in
give in
Hello Joe.
Um, m... miss, uh, miss Lola...
Yes, Joe?
If... if... if... if it was you
I promised to come home to...
You'd want me to, wouldn't you?
I see.
Oh, you're... you're... you're
awfully wonderful.
And I... I... I wish
I was two people but...
But I'm only one.
And I'm married.
What a flop!
"Just a routine case, huh?
"Duck soup, huh?
I was wrong.
- He is different.
- "Alibi Ike."
Oh, I never ran up against
anybody like that before.
Oh, bosh and double bosh!
Get yourself a new line!
Your methods are old-fashioned.
Whatever Lola wants Lola gets
whatever Lola wants and Lola gets
Alright!
They're going on the western trip now.
But you just wait until he comes back.
I'll show you how to handle this situation.
"Joe gets a grand slam!"
"Washington now are in second place."
"Washington wins ten streak
Joe gets a grand slam!
Well, well, my dear girl
you should've been there.
You should've seen a real artist at work.
You couldn't get him away
from his wife, huh?
- Well, I could.
- How? Is he crazy about you?
Oh, very funny.
What did you do?
I used the head
my futile wench.
I went into the neighborhood
and I spread scandal.
She will have to throw him out.
What kind of scandal?
Why, good heavens, the boy's living
right there in the house with that woman.
Aren't you shocked? I am.
Whatever Lola wants
Lola gets.
What are you made up for?
What have you got on?
My costume!
I've joined a Joe Hardy fan club.
Ain't that tender?
Ain't that touchin'?
I'm boring from within.
Infiltrating.
You better be.
And I've to go to a rehearsal now.
- I'm in one of the acts.
- Okay, go on.
Go to rehearsal. Go ahead. Get out of here.
See if you can be useful.
Go on, get out of here!
You depress me!
Whenever I am
from time to time depressed
and the trauma wells
and swells within my breast
I find some pride
deep inside of me
as I fondly walk the Lane
of a memory
I see
Bonaparte a mean one
if ever I've seen one
and Nero fiddling through
that lovely Blaze
Antoinette dainty queen j
with her quaint guillotine
those were the good old days
I see Indians dragging
an empty covered wagon
when scalping the settlers
was the latest craze
and that glorious morn
Jack the ripper was born
those were the good old days
I'd sit in my rocking chair
peacefully rocking there
counting my blessings by the score
the rack was in fashion
the plagues were my passion
each day held a new joy
in store
was anybody happy?
I see
cannibals munching
a missionary luncheon
the years may have flown
but the memory stays
like the hopes that were dashed
when the stock market crashed
those were the good old days
I'd walk a million miles more
for some of the gore
of those good
old
days.
I don't know who he was, Joe
but he just got everyone
in the neighborhood talking.
Well, il... I think I know who it was.
After all, I am a married woman.
Sure, I understand.
I just hate to ask you to leave but...
It's alright.
Oh, Joe, I...
I'll be back.
I hope so.
You can count on it, Meg.
Goodbye.
Cards, please. Show your cards!
Card please, show your card.
Come on, come on!
Well, if they want my autograph
they want my autograph.
Okay, kids.
Here comes somebody.
He's nobody.
Are you anybody?
Not a soul.
Show your card.
Joe was living at some
rooming house, wasn't he?
Uh, I don't know.
How long has he been living at the hotel?
Oh, go on! Just tell me anything
you know about him.
Come on, Benny.
Let's make this a good party tonight.
Don't worry.
I'm not gonna let anyone see how I feel.
Oh, we've come to the end of the season
better than I ever dreamed.
Two games to go.
Now, now, now, you just relax.
We'll be the champions.
All we have to do
is win just one of those games.
But the way Joe cracked up on us today.
Is that so?
She just asked me.
Would I like to be her partner?
She's good.
We've been rehearsing the whole week.
Hey, that's the one.
"Sure don't know how to thank you
for this wonderful turnout tonight.
Congratulations.
Oh, it's you.
You see, I've become a fan.
Officially.
We're putting on a dance
in your honor tonight.
That's, uh, that's very nice, Ms. Fernando.
No, Joe, Ms. Fernando's gone.
No accent, didn't you notice?
She failed dismally.
Kidding me again, I guess.
No, Joe.
Kidding myself.
I'm just a bold hussy
who's organized a fan club...
Without instructions from Applegate.
He wanted us to lose today, didn't he?
Didn't you hear him giving me the razz
throughout the whole game?
You know, personal things.
Anything to throw my game off.
That's why I threw the ball in the stands.
I was trying to hit him.
You let in two runs and hit an old lady
he was delighted.
What does he want?
- Tomorrow's the 24th.
- Yeah.
I think he doesn't want to lose you.
Uh... uh, what do you want?
I'd like to be your friend.
Thanks.
Oh, Joe, you make me feel girlish.
And I'm a 172 years old.
You see...
Many men have loved me. Hopelessly.
But I felt nothing.
Would you believe it
you're such a good, loyal
dumb, ordinary man.
You make me feel tender.
It's quite exciting.
Folderol. You heard what I said. Folderol.
We go on seven. Will you watch?
- Sure.
- Folderol!
What business is it of yours
where Joe lives.
I'm curious, that's all.
Well, he couldn't stand the publicity.
You see, he's like I am.
He's shy.
Joe moved to a hotel because...
Why did you move, Joe?
To be near you.
Boy's got spirit, don't you think?
I think a lot of things,
my friend, you see...
I've just come back from a trip
to Hannibal, Missouri.
Well, did you drop in to say
hello to the boys at the bugle?
There is no bugle, Mr. Applejuice.
- You know my name?
- Yes, I do.
But I don't know Joe Hardy's name.
What was the crack?
One thing I do know
his name is not Joe Hardy.
Well, if you're referring to the rumor
that he is in reality
shifty McCoy, I deny it emphatically.
Huh? Who...
Oh, who... who's shifty McCoy?
Alright, alright, if you haven't heard it
I haven't said it.
What's your big problem anyhow?
Why do you say he's not Joe Hardy?
Nobody in Hannibal has ever seen or heard
of Joe Hardy.
His birth is not registered there.
He's a faker!
Where'd he come from?
Don't be so nosy, huh?
Go home! Get married!
Have children.
So when the bases are loaded
the count is three and two
you'll hit a homer Joe
we can depend on you
you're a hero 'cause
you've got heart.
You're wanted on stage.
- Up we go.
- Benny?
You look pretty.
Oh, Benny, ever hear of a ball player
named shifty McCoy?
Shifty McCoy?
Isn't he the kid that took a bribe
in the Mexican league about four years ago?
- Oh?
- Yeah.
Yeah, through a game
and they caught him at it.
- What happened to him?
- Oh, he took it on the lam.
Never been heard of since as far as I know.
- Did you know him?
- No.
No, Ms. Thorpe.
I just saw his picture in the paper.
The paper? Oh.
And this is Joe's night.
And I'm not gonna start it off
with a long speech.
Later on, you may have
to listen to a tribute or two.
But right now, we're going to sit down
and see what some of Joe's
fan clubs think of him.
Shifty McCoy!
Of course, I'm sure!
Get all the stuff on him
and hold everything, I'll be right over!
And now, number seven.
We have a tribute from the...
"I love Joe" fan club.
Yeah, that's what it says.
Who's got the pain
when they do the mambo?
Who's got the pain when they go ugh?
Who's got the pain
when they do the mambo?
I don't know who do you?
Who needs a pill
when they do the mambo?
Who needs a pill when they go ugh?
Who needs a pill
when they do the mambo?
I don't know who do you?
Someone must be sick with the heat?
Or steppin' on everyone's feet?
But if everyone's feelin' okay
why don't they just say "olay"
when the music carries then away?
Ugh who's got the pain
when they do the mambo?
Who's got the pain when they go ugh?
Who's got the pain
when they do the mambo?
I don't know who do you?
Is there a doctor in the house?
Is there a doctor in the house?
If there's a doctor in the house
point him out but there is
an element of doubt
as to who's got the pain
when they do the mambo?
Who's got the pain when they go ugh?
Who needs a pill
when they do the mambo?
Who's got the pain when they go ugh?
That was terrific, Fosse.
You were wonderful.
Going a little far, don't you think?
What's the matter? Didn't you like it?
I like it fine.
Puff him up, baby.
I'll bring him down again.
- You what?
- It's already started.
Keep your eyes open, homewrecker.
You'll find out
who's got the pain the mambo.
You gotta have heart
Heart
all you really need is heart
when the odds are sayin'
you'll never win
that's when the grin should start
it's the new from America Joe
when your luck is battin' zero
get your chin up off the floor
mister you can be a hero
you can open any door
there's nothing to it but to do it
Extra! "Joe Hardy accused!"
Extra, extra! "Joe Hardy accused!"
Extra! "Joe Hardy accused!"
A genius of course
Hmm! For the love of Mike,
will you look at this?
- What are you talking about?
- He took a bribe!
Down in the Mexican league.
It's a lie. I don't believe it.
- Oh, my gosh!
- They're crazy.
Oh, no. I won't believe it.
Why should they say such a thing?
But it's not true, not any of it.
I'm not a crook! I wouldn't
double-cross you, Benny.
I'd die for the team. And I will!
And we'll win! We've got to!
We'll win, we'll win!
No. Oh, no.
Joe is down
at the commissioner's right now.
But the whole town is behind him.
Parades, speeches...
They know an okay guy
when they see one and so do I.
Joe ain't done nothing wrong.
I'll bet you the Yankees
are behind this whole thing.
- Yeah, they're scared of us.
- That's right!
Whether Joe's with us today or not
you guys are going out there
and you're gonna play
red-hot baseball.
You're the best team
in the league and you know it.
And when you take the field,
I want you to forget about Joe!
And fill that ball park
with so many base hits
those Cleveland Indians will think
it's the third world war.
Alright, I'll tell you.
Because I value the good name of baseball
more than I do of victory of my own team.
Well, just because a picture in the paper
taken four years ago
happens to look something like it.
Mr. Welch, Ms. Thorpe has the floor.
I know, I know.
It's not because of the picture.
The picture only fortified my suspicion
that he had a phony background.
And my paper has taken the trouble
to bring a few witnesses from Hannibal
if you care to hear them.
Certainly, go ahead.
Mr. Hawkins?
This is the postmaster from Hannibal.
Read about it.
"Joe on trial!"
Read about it.
"Joe on trial!"
Just answer me one thing, boy.
If as you say,
you were brought up in Hannibal
how do you recount for the fact
that no one seem to remember you.
Well, uh, I... I... I... I told you...
- Ah! Good news!
- What is it, Mr. Applegate?
I asked for a recess until 10:30 tonight.
I have a witness flying in from Mexico City
who knew shifty McCoy!
Well, I don't know what to think.
We know he just never came from Hannibal.
We just know that.
Well, I know something else
that's more important.
- He's a good boy.
- I didn't say he wasn't.
I may not be a judge of character
but I know when somebody's good.
You're darn tootin'.
And if Joe picked out Hannibal
as the town he'd like to come from
he must have his good reasons.
And it's an honor to the town.
Can you imagine that old Mr. Hawkins
getting up there at that hearing
and saying those things?
Well, we could get up there, too.
What?
It's just psychology, baby.
Just psychology.
And once I've got him for keeps
I'll make him throw the game.
Oh, he'll burn.
He'll burn!
As for me, I'm sorry.
What did you say?
I said I'm sorry for him.
I have observed of late...
A certain laxity on your part.
Have you forgotten every principle
I've ever taught you?
Alright, Lola, 100 times.
Never feel sorry for anybody,
never feel sorry for anybody.
I'm gonna select something appropriate
for this evening's hearing.
Never feel sorry for anybody,
never feel sorry for anybody.
That looks terrible.
I'll wear that.
Never feel sorry for anybody,
never feel sorry for anybody...
Ah! Now can anybody guess who that is?
Never feel sorry for anybody,
never feel sorry for...
Come in, Joe!
Never feel sorry for anybody,
never feel sorry for anybody...
Alright, Lola, knock it off. Later.
We've got the greatest baseball
player in the world with us.
Let us do him homage.
It's very kind of you
to say that, Mr. Applegate
but it doesn't look as if Joe Hardy
will ever make the hall of fame.
One can never tell.
I made my decision, Mr. Applegate
that's what I came to talk to you about.
I want to exercise the escape clause
which is to take place
on the 24th which is today.
Well, now...
Aren't you being a little hasty?
I've thought it all over
I found out there's something
more important in life
than being a hero.
Deep, this boy.
- Very deep.
- I want out. I wanna go back.
Very well.
An operation of this kind must take place
at the witching hour.
So, at 5 minutes to midnight
if you still wanna go back
say the word.
Well, suppose this hearing
is still going on,
are you gonna change me right
there in front of everybody?
Oh, no, no, no, no, no.
That would cause talk.
All you have to do is say
"let us step into the next room."
Joe Hardy will go through that door
and he will never return.
"Took it on the lam, they'll say.
I just want to be sure
there's no misunderstanding.
Goodbye, Lola.
Never feel sorry for anybody,
never feel sorry for anybody.
Never feel sorry for anybody,
never feel sorry for any...
Alright, Lola,
let's not have just the letter.
Let's have the spirit.
Never feel sorry for anybody,
never feel sorry...
And, uh, don't get too impudent with me
or I'll degrade you and get Clementine
in here for this work.
You get too fresh with me
and I'll put you back on your broom.
Now, while I go to the hearing
you sit down there and you think
of three dirty tricks.
And they better be good.
Well, I'll tell you what it's called.
It's called perjury.
I call it helping out an innocent friend.
I call it exciting.
Mr. commissioner!
How can you believe these witnesses?
Subtle, sophisticated...
Oh, bosh.
Can twist this simple man
around her finger?
Who is simple? Now, you wait a minute.
One side, please. Let us through!
We're material witnesses.
I ask for a little Patience.
My witness in on the way from the airport.
But I can't wait that long, you know that.
I don't understand.
He does.
It's nearly midnight.
Don't worry, Joe.
- We came here to witness.
- Now wait a minute, lady.
We've decided that we should speak up.
We're material witnesses.
Why, hello there, Mr. Hawkins.
Well, May Parker, how are you, May?
It's the Miller girls.
You seem to be old acquaintances.
We'd like to take the stand and testify.
We'll take the oath or anything.
Well, you see, at first,
we didn't remember Joe
and then when I remembered him,
and reminded the girls
then pretty soon, they remembered him too.
Hello there, Joe.
My, I just hardly know you now
you've grown up so.
You knew him?
Oh, we picked huckleberries together.
You must remember him, Mr. Hawkins.
Don't you mind, he used to come in
and collect the mail for old Mrs. peeper.
It's five minutes before midnight.
What is it, Mr. Hardy?
Oh, I'd like to go in the other room
and talk to Mr. Applegate.
Wait, Joe, he remembers ya.
Sure, now I remember him.
I knew it! I knew Joe wouldn't lie!
Silence. Quiet please.
Why that boy sat there and let them
call him a liar to his face
and now by George, he's vindicated.
I don't want anyone to leave the room.
We didn't care what the paper said
we never lost faith in Joe.
He may have come from a poor family.
But that's no disgrace in this day and age.
Certainly some of
the greatest men in our country
came from poor families.
And the way it's turned out now
some of the greatest
baseball players did too.
You see, we three all knew each other
when we were young back in Hannibal
and Mr. Hawkins knew us.
So that when we heard about this thing
we couldn't bear to see an injustice done
and that's why we pushed through.
Although the corridors are so crowded
I just thought we'd never make it.
But we did.
Joe.
Where is he?
He's asleep.
I gave him a pill.
Why didn't you give him two?
I did.
Move over.
Sure, why not?
We're both in the same boat now.
Joe, don't cry.
Joe, you're gonna win.
- Maybe.
- I fixed it for you.
I said I gave him two pills,
I gave him four.
He was so delighted
with himself, horsing around.
He said, give me a drink of demon rum.
You know, big joke.
So I did and I slipped four pills into it.
He won't wake up until after the game.
But I wanted him to be there.
I wanted him to have to sit right there
and watch us win the pennant.
If he were there, you wouldn't win.
Oh, no, Benny's putting me out
in center field
I wouldn't hear him yell at me out there
I wouldn't even have to look at him.
It wouldn't make any difference.
He owns you now.
Boy. I see.
I didn't know how it worked.
But, Lola, what were you?
I was the ugliest woman
in Providence, Rhode Island.
Well, he'll be...
He'll be good and sored at what you did.
You think he'll turn you back?
Oh, he threatens.
Two lost souls.
I don't know whether to cry or make jokes.
Oh, Joe, jokes make jokes.
We're together tonight
and be never again.
Well, then, we ought to make
the best of it.
Please.
How do we do that?
You think of some way.
Give me a second now,
I'll figure something out.
See, I got it.
Joe, you like music, you like dancing.
Well, I'm not very odd at dancing
but I like music though.
But he's supposed to be in training.
He's relaxin', leave him alone.
He never let the team down yet, did he?
Two lost souls
on the highway of life
we ain't even got
a sister or brother
but ain't it just great
ain't it just grand?
We've got each other
two lost ships
on a stormy sea
one with no sails
and one with no rudder
but ain't it just great?
Ain't it just grand?
We've got each other
two lost sheep
in the wilds of the hills
far from the other
Jacks and Jills
we wandered away
and went astray
but we ain't fussin'
'cause we've got us and
we're two lost souls
on the highway of life
and there is no one
with whom we would rather
say ain't it just great
ain't it just grand?
We've got each other
go, boy, go.
Hey, how about that boy?
Oh, god.
Oh, come on.
Wherever we go
whatever we do
as long as you've got me
and I've got you
We've got a lot
because we've got
each other
Hey, Joe, you call that dancing?
Hey, Joe. Come on.
We ain't fussin'
'cause we got us and
Go! Go!
Two lost souls
two lost souls
go sister
go brother
great friend each other
two lost ships
stormy sea
no sail no rudder
sail each other
two lost sheep
wild hills
wanderin' strayin'
lost afraid
great friend
lost soul.
Put her there.
L-o-t-s!
Two
lost
souls
I see cannibals munching
a missionary luncheon
I don't want any doggone angels
hovering over me.
- Where am I?
- Good morning, chief.
Oh, I feel terrible.
What time is it?
My, I never knew you to sleep like this.
What lousy poet said "blessed sleep?"
What time is it?
Oh, it's about 3:30.
3:30 when?
The game. I'm supposed to be at the game.
Well, I tried to wake you.
There's something funny going on here.
Look, I shook you and shook you.
- What's the score?
- Oh, it's about even.
The score.
Washington leads, one to nothing.
Last of the seventh.
It's not too late.
I'll get dressed in a flash.
Well, come on.
I see it all now. You doped me.
But why? Why?
Because I love him.
Love?
Here we are, mister.
You're just gonna catch the last inning.
Somebody's gonna pay for this.
I'll pay just as long as Joe wins.
He won't win. He'll lose even
if I have to change him back
right there in front of everyone.
Well, I don't wanna see it.
Come back here, you.
Come back here, I said.
Now, no more nonsense.
Come on, will you?
Ball one.
What's the score? What's the score?
One to nothing, Washington.
Get a all in one, Mickey
sew it up, Mickey. Sew it up.
Strike one.
Strike him out.
The big bum! He can't hit it.
Ball one.
Foul!
He's gonna hold it.
You can get it, Joe. You can get it.
Benny, is Joe alright?
We can't find him. Smokey
found his shirt out there.
- He's disappeared.
- Here it is, Mr. Welch.
Joe Hardy disappears.
Washington wins the pennant.
Joe Hardy disappears.
Neither Mr. Welch nor Benny Van Buren
will affirm or deny
the disappearance of Joe Hardy.
However many of the players admitted
that from the moment he caught that ball
and ran into the clubhouse
none of them has seen him.
Where is he?
One of the rumors which persists
is that there has been foul play
by a group of New York gamblers
who are known to have bet
heavily on the Yankees.
Is that you, sister?
Joe!
I'm back.
Oh, Joe, I'm a sight.
A wonderful sight.
Oh, Joe.
Where you been?
Oh, no, no. I didn't mean that.
I wasn't gonna ask that.
- Don't ask it.
- I didn't mean to.
Don't ever ask it.
I won't.
You've been on a secret mission.
But you're back.
If you'll have me.
- Say things to me, Meg.
- We've had our little joke.
Things about us.
Joe, it was a mean trick to turn your back.
It was an impulse.
And I regret it.
But I'll make amends.
You can show up tomorrow, Joe.
And you can be Joe Hardy again.
And you can win the
world series, you can be a hero.
Empty am I with my empty chair...
look, Joe, I'm not really a bad fellow.
I'm just emotional.
I've forgiven Lola too.
Joe... Joe...
Underlines the blue
the tulips that he'd plant
and all have lost their bloom
Listen to me, you wife-loving louse.
You belong to me.
You sold me your soul.
You can't run out on me like this.
You thief! You crook!
You robbed me, that's what you did.
- Out?
You're nuts. He's nuts.
Back home in Hannibal, we had
heat over a 100, lots of times.
Okay. So, Halbrick, don't try to murder it.
Just slip one through the infield.
- Slide.
- You're out.
Is Washington winning, dear?
No. Those damn Yankees.
Come on, Smokey. I can count on you.
Casper Niles tried to fry an egg
on the sidewalk in front
of his drug store once.
Good ol' Smokey. He got a hit.
In Hannibal, they were always saying,
"cool air was on its way from Canada."
I certainly don't see
any sign of it here. Do you?
- Do you?
- Do I what?
See any sign of cool air?
What? What you're blind.
Ump, you're blind.
See any sign of what, dear?
Oh, never mind.
It wasn't important.
When we met in 1938
it was November
when I said that I would be his mate
it was December
I reasoned he would be
the greatest husband
that a girl had ever found
that's what I reasoned
that's what I reasoned
then April rolled around
strike three ball four
walk the run will tie the score
you're blind ump you're blind ump
you must be out of your mind ump
six months out of every year
I might as well be made of stone
six months out of every year
When I'm with him
I'm alone
six months out of every year
when I cook for them it never pays
instead of praising my goulash
they're just praising
the plays of Willie Mays
he's out he's safe
he's out he's safe he's...
six months out of every year
I might as well be wearing crepe
life is just an awful bore
from which I find
he's out he's safe
he's out he's safe he's out
no escape
you're blind ump you must be
out of your mind ump
April May June July
August and September
six months out of every year
you're blind ump you're blind ump
you must be out of your mind ump
Don't try to murder it.
Just slip one through the infield.
Oh! The ball's in the dirt, and he swings.
If we had one long ball hitter. Just one!
Honestly, Joe, you're gonna get yourself
a heart attack if you keep this up.
- Or at least ulcers.
- Wham!
Oh, Joe! Nah!
My friend's sister and Doris,
they like baseball.
But they don't suffer so.
Well, I'm going to bed.
I've got the bridge club tomorrow.
- Goodnight.
- Yeah. Sure.
I mean, goodnight.
Uh, uh... goodnight, old girl.
Wham! One long ball hitter.
That's what we need.
I'd sell my soul for one long ball hitter.
- Good evening.
- Who are you?
- A man who agrees with you.
- Agrees?
One long ball hitter.
That's what the team needs.
You're right about that.
You live around here?
My name is Applegate.
And I think we have something in common.
A love of the national game.
Oh, you bet. You bet.
Care to sit down?
Thank you.
You don't like to see
the Senators in seventh place?
Well, they may pull together yet.
I'm here to make you a proposition.
Not only would you like to see
Washington win a pennant,
but your secret yearning all your life
has been to be a baseball player yourself.
I wasn't so bad in high school.
Not so bad?
They were scouting you for Kansas City.
You still got your spiked shoes
and your glove.
They're up in your bedroom.
Who told you?
Would you like to be the greatest
baseball player in all history?
Big joke.
No joke.
You can be a great ball player.
I can't even bend over and touch my toes.
Try it. Just for laughs.
What do ya know?
With my help, a lot of things come easy.
Oh, uh... do you smoke?
Hey. How'd you pull that off?
I'm handy with fire.
Who are you?
I am quite a famous character, Mr. Boyd.
I have historical significance, too.
"Cause I said so.
Well, alright. If Meg's awake, alright.
Listen, mister,
I don't know what the gag is,
but I... I mean, what's the idea? I...
For heavens sake. Joe.
My goodness, talkin' to yourself.
So you finally flapped your lid.
What are you doing out here
talking to yourself, in the dark?
Talking to who?
That's a sign of old age, you know, Joe.
Talking to yourself.
Is anything the matter?
No, I... I was just thinking
about the game.
Oh, we went to the game yesterday.
It was ladies day.
And I must say, the hot dogs
out at the park
aren't what they used to be.
I had the poorest hot dog
yesterday, I ever had.
Is Meg still up?
She went to bed, a while ago.
Well, we'll see her
at bridge club tomorrow.
We just came from our ballet lesson.
They couldn't see you.
No, they couldn't.
An amusing little stunt.
It was all the rage in the middle ages.
You mean, you really are...
Can't believe it, huh?
But, but that's crazy.
It can't be.
The world is full of crazy things.
- Crazier every day.
- Oh, gosh.
What are you doing here?
Great events spring forth great men, Joe.
They arise from nowhere.
They take command.
That's history.
What are you talking about?
I have chosen you...
The most dedicated partisan of
the noble Washington Senators,
to be the hero, who leads them
out of the wilderness to the championship.
The Senators are in seventh place.
Your powerful bludgeon and sparkling play
will inspire the team to greatness.
We'll call you Hardy.
Joe Hardy.
You'll be 22 years old.
They'll put a new wing
on that baseball museum
at Cooperstown dedicated to you.
"The Hardy shrine.
What do you want me to do?
Just leave everything to me.
- But my job, my wife.
- This is a big operation.
You can't let things like that
stand in the way.
I just disappear, is that it?
Very simple.
What happens after I stop
being a baseball player?
Then where would I be?
Well, now, of course
that's fairly well known.
- Yes, but I have...
- After all...
There's nothing unusual about it.
How do you suppose
some of these politicians
around town got started?
And parking lot owners?
- But still what they say...
- Look.
I've got something to trade here.
I'm offering you a chance to be
what you've wanted to be all your life.
In my business, we have what you
call an escape clause.
This is not a real estate deal.
If I don't like it, I ought
to be able to get out.
- Get out?
- I've got my wife to consider.
Alright, alright. I don't wanna
hear anymore about your wife.
Wives, they cause me more trouble
than the Methodist church.
I'm trying to be understanding,
but all this haggling...
- No. I won't do it.
- Alright.
I'll give you a chance to get out.
Oh, sure. In that case...
On the 24th of September at midnight.
I wouldn't do it, but I don't want to have
those damn Yankees win.
- You can say that again.
- It's a deal.
- It is?
- Now the other hand.
- That's all?
- Sure.
What do you expect to do, sign your name
in blood or some phony stunt like that?
Come on. The team needs you.
Let's not waste any more time.
I just got to leave a note.
Sure. Right away.
I'll get a taxi.
Goodbye old girl
my old girl
when you awaken I'll be gone
can't tell you where I go
it isn't fair I know
but trust in me and carry on
goodbye old friend
my old friend
there's something I must let you know
I haven't said it much
I guess I've lost my touch
but my old girl I love you so
now I know it hasn't all been roses
we've had squabblin' days
when tears were brought about
but in a moment or two
we would Bill and Coo
and never even knew
what we fought about
and now your Joe
has to go
but he'll come back to you again
so sleep your sleep old girl
our love will keep old girl
till then.
Turn around.
Come on. Cab's waiting.
Did you...
I can't believe it! Wham!
And though your Joe
has to go
he may come back to you again
so sleep your sleep old girl
our love will keep old girl
till then
Goodbye old girl
my old girl
goodbye.
- Come on.
- Who me?
I'm always waitin' on you.
Not me. You're thinking of
a couple of other guys.
It's a mighty fine policy.
Do ya have to sell insurance
in the summer too?
I don't have to, but when I
see a guy like you
that ain't covered, I get worried.
I've been uncovered
a long time. I don't worry.
Everybody ought to have
an insurance program.
Next year maybe.
How's the crossword comin', Smokey?
Very difficult.
So Ferguson gave me the signal to steal.
It was a pitch out.
And when I got to second,
everybody's waitin' for me
except Ford Frick.
Hey, Lyndy.
What's a three letter word
for "a sticky substance?"
Spit? No, that's four.
- Gum.
- Gum!
Pay attention to what I'm
tellin' you, will you?
Look. What sign's this?
- Hit and run, sure.
- Right.
Now you're still at bat.
I take. Okay. Now the count is two and one.
- I don't do nothin'.
- How can you not do nothin'?
If I wipe the take sign,
watch what follows.
- You go for it.
- Sure.
Why couldn't you remember that last night?
You could have cost us a big inning.
It's not that I'm dumb, Benny.
Oh. Nobody said anything
about your being dumb...
Exactly.
It's just that when we play the Yankees,
I kinda tense up.
You know, I kinda lose my head.
I figure what the heck's the use.
Will you listen to this guy?
Benny? Benny, there is somethin'
different about 'em.
What do you mean?
Well, we don't make them same goofus
when we're playin' Kansas City?
That's what I'm talking about.
Boys, I know you're not yellow.
Smokey, you're crashin' the fences
till you drive me crazy.
Rocky, you played three games
with a broken hand.
It's just that your mental state
is off in left field some place.
Now listen to me.
This game of baseball is only
one half skill.
The other half is something else.
Something bigger.
You gotta have heart
all you really need is heart
when the odds are saying
you'll never win
that's when the grin should start
you gotta have hope
mustn't sit around and mope
nothings half as bad as it may appear
wait till next year and hope
when your luck is battin' zero
get your chin up off the floor
mister you can be a hero
you can open any door
there's nothin' to it but to do it
you gotta have heart
miles and miles and miles of heart
Oh it's fine to be a genius of course
but keep that old horse before the cart
first you gotta have heart
a great slugger we haven't got
a great pitcher we haven't got
a great ball club we haven't got
what do we got?
We've got heart
all you really need is heart
when the odds are saying
you'll never win
that's when the grin should start
now you're gettin' the idea j
we've got hope
we don't sit around and mope
not a solitary sob do we heave
mister 'cause we've got hope
Boys, I'm proud of ya.
We're so happy that we're hummin'
that's the hearty thing to do
'cause we know our ship will come in
so it's ten years overdue
we've got heart
miles and miles and miles of heart
Oh it's fine to be a genius of course
but keep that old horse before the cart
so what the heck's the use of crying?
Why should we curse?
We got to get better
'cause we can't get worse
and to add to it
we've got heart
we've got heart we've got heart
okay, Smokey, baby. Let's go get 'em.
- Right.
- Now, boys!
Don't forget what I told you.
You bet ya, Benny.
Come on, rocky. You tell him.
We've got heart
miles and miles and miles of heart
oh it's fine to be a genius of course
but keep that old horse before the cart
who minds them pop bottles flying
the hisses and boos
the team has been consistent
yeah we always lose
but we're laughing 'cause
we've got heart
Come on, Smokey, we'll get 'em.
We've got heart.
That's my boys. Now tear 'em apart.
Hello, Benny.
I've often wondered what this
team did to keep up its morale.
We didn't invite the press
this morning, Gloria.
Ah, Benny, you're very foolish to have
this prejudice against me
just because I'm a woman.
My paper gives you as much space
as the others do.
I only wondered why you got here so early.
I came down to see the naked men.
Could be.
What will I say?
Don't worry about a thing, Joe.
I'll be right with you.
But... but if you just explain
how it all works.
Suppose when you were young,
you'd had this chance.
- How would you feel?
- Oh, boy.
Ah, don't "oh, boy" me. You've got it.
For free, practically.
Just act the way you would
if it was 25 years ago.
Enjoy it, Joe. I do.
Benny, my boss is very anxious to find out
what some of your players think
of the Yankees.
I'll tell you something right now.
My boys won't play dead for
the yanks or any other club.
Are you Mr. Van Buren,
the Washington manager?
Why make something out of the Yankees?
They're a swell bunch of fellas and we...
Oh, yes, they're very polite.
And then they beat your brains out.
Ah, the yanks are just another ball club
as far as we're concerned.
I read somewhere they're talking about
handicapping the Yankees.
Making them carry extra weight,
like race horses.
Yeah? So what's on your mind, Mac?
Applegate is my name, uh... My card, sir.
I'm busy. See my secretary.
- Oh, Mr. Van Buren, um...
I am a long time fan of the
Washington Senators...
Listen, Mac, I told you I'm busy.
And, um, for some time now, I have been
beating the bushes for talent.
And, uh, this is my protege.
Young Joe Hardy.
Joe's quite a boy with a bat in his hands,
and I'd like you to give him a trial.
Where you been playin', son?
Oh, um... here and there.
- Where's here and there?
Well, if you just give me a chance
Mr. Van Buren, just let me hit a few.
What have you got to lose?
Smokey.
He can hit the ball a country mile.
- You want me, Benny?
- Yeah.
Take this boy down to the batting cage.
Gee, thanks, Mr. Van Buren.
And I certainly...
Tell buster to throw him a few.
Sure thing. Let's go, Mac.
Just a minute.
Where do you think you're going?
Well, my protege may need my advice.
Buster will give him
all the advice he needs.
If you want to watch, go out in the stands.
The field is for ball players.
You don't mind, do you?
Love it, Mac. Just love it.
Are you coming, my attractive friend?
Well, I'll look. But nothing will happen.
You wanna bet?
Hey I can't... I can't get these on.
Here, buddy. Try these.
Gee, thanks.
What's the idea, that your boy
can't get his shoes on?
Ah! Ha ha ha. It's my fault. Uh...
An oversight.
The boys grow bigger these days.
What are you talking about?
Have you got a good seat?
Of course not. You can't trust
any newspaper woman.
But what am I gonna do?
Not bad.
I just can't believe the kid
is as good as all that.
How could he be?
Where would he have been keeping himself?
- Henry.
- Yes, Benny.
Go out there and tell buster to throw hard.
He is throwing hard.
Can't you hear him grunt?
Well, go out there
and tell him to bear it down.
Sure, Benny.
Battin' practice is one thing.
But how does he do in a game, huh?
He's got a nice swing.
- He's gone.
- Over the fence.
Just luck. This is costin' the club money.
Hey, kid.
Yeah, you. Come here.
What did you say your name was? Joe, uh...
Yes sir, Joe. Joe Hardy.
Well, you hit the ball pretty good.
- Thanks.
- How's your fielding?
- Uh, I don't know.
- You don't know?
Well, I... I mean... I meant my
manager was supposed...
You want me, Joe?
Well, yeah Mr. Applegate.
They, uh, they want me to field some.
Well, go ahead, boy.
You can do anything, you know that.
How do you like my boy, Mr. Van Buren?
- Not bad.
- Not bad?
Did he kiss that horsehide
right out of the park?
Did he get the fat end
of the bat on that pill?
Bye bye, baby. How about that?
Hey. Who's up there? Mel Allen?
Hey! He's got an arm.
Got an arm? He's got an arm like a Cannon.
What's the story on this kid?
You saw the way he was hittin'
em, didn't you?
Over the garden wall.
Attaboy, Joe. Rifle it home, boy.
- Rifle it home.
- Where's he come from?
His name is Joe Hardy.
Who's he been playing for?
He weighs a 193 pounds
and he chews juicy fruit.
You're a big help.
Never played on anything,
but sand lot ball, huh?
Whereabouts?
- Out west.
- Yeah.
The, uh, the Midwest. Uh... Hannibal.
- Hannibal, Missouri.
- Is that your home town?
Uh, yeah, that's it.
Boy, it, uh, it sure
gets hot there sometimes.
We just sit around and wait
for that cold air
to come down from Canada.
- Well, you do pretty good.
- Gee, thanks.
I think we might give you a contract.
Send you out to one of our farm
clubs. For a little seasoning.
Seasoning? That's ridiculous.
- How about it, kid?
- Uh, no, no.
- I don't think so.
- What do you mean?
Well, uh, I um... I haven't got time.
- Time?
- Baseball's in a rut.
If babe Ruth came here
looking for a chance,
you would send him
to little rock for three years.
Alright, Joe. Come on. We'll go
where we'll be appreciated.
Gee, Mr. Van Buren. Give me
one more chance, will you?
- I love the Senators.
- So do I.
And there's only a few of us left.
Get your bat.
Buster.
More seasoning, huh?
The ball is only going for a 600 foot ride.
That's the longest ball
I ever saw in my life.
I swallowed my chewing tobacco.
I just can't believe it.
Where would he have been all these years?
Okay, you win, get a uniform.
- You mean it?
- I mean it.
Well, I made it. Oh, man, oh, man.
Hey, Mr. Applegate,
how could I ever thank you.
I'll find some way.
Your attention please.
Now coming into bat for Sohovic
number two, Joe Hardy.
There he comes now, that's the kid
I wrote the story about.
Strike!
Right down the middle.
Why don't you look at it, you bum?
What a ball club!
Where did they pick him up?
What a belt!
Clean over the fence.
I told you that guy looked good
when he first come up to bat.
It's just too good to be true, Mr. Welch.
In practice, he was terrific.
Well, I said to myself,
he'll choke up when he gets in the game.
He bounced two out of the ballpark.
Well, let's do anything
we can to make him happy.
Let's get a lot of publicity.
- No, no, no, not yet.
- Huh?
He seems to be afraid of reporters.
- Afraid?
- Yeah.
I showed him that cute story
Gloria Thorpe did yesterday about his shoes
and I swear he turned pale.
She's down there now trying
to get a follow up on it.
But Joe's ducking her.
He's a strange boy, Mr. Welch.
Very strange.
What's Joe trying to do anyway?
- Avoid me?
- Oh, no, miss Thorpe.
- He wouldn't do that.
- Well...
Didn't he like that stuff
I wrote yesterday?
You guys would go for that, wouldn't you?
- Any time, lady.
- Now tell me.
What's he like really?
- He takes it serious.
- Oh, dedicated Dan, huh?
- Huh?
- Wait a minute. I got it.
Shoeless Joe Hardy.
Is that what you're gonna call him?
It's what everybody's gonna call him.
Shoeless Joe, huh? That's pretty good.
I'll help you celebrate, boys.
- Oh, what's the gag?
- Let's make Joe famous.
- Sure, I'm willing.
- Okay.
How do we make him famous?
Shoeless Joe from Hannibal, MO.
Shoeless Joe from Hannibal, MO.
A little hoedown in honor of our new star.
Shoeless Joe from Hannibal, MO.
What'd you say his name was?
Shoeless Joe from Hannibal, MO.
She's gonna call him shoeless Joe!
Gee, miss Thorpe, you sure
get some wonderful ideas.
Oh, I got lots of ideas.
Who came along in a puff of smoke?
Shoeless Joe from Hannibal, MO.
Strong as the heart of a mighty oak
shoeless Joe from Hannibal, MO.
Lucky are we to be having him
shoeless Joe from Hannibal, MO.
Just when the future was lookin' grim
shoeless Joe from Hannibal, MO.
Came a long long way
to be with us today
with arms of steel like Hercules
feet as fleet as Mercury's
he'll fight for us do right for us
he'll be a beacon light for us
he's shoeless Joe from Hannibal, MO.
Go like a bat out-a you know where
shoeless Joe from Hannibal, MO.
Strike at the foe
let 'em know you're there
shoeless Joe from Hannibal, MO.
Shoeless Joe from Hannibal, MO.
Came upon the scene
as fresh as Listerine
he sneezed and blew away a calf
his laughter ripped the barn in half
go go go go Joe
like sevens come elevens come
like manna from the heavens come
it's shoeless Joe from Hannibal, MO.
Go like a bat out-a you know where
shoeless Joe from mo
strike at the foe
let 'em know you're there
shoeless Joe from mo
look out look out look out
look out for shoeless Joe
the barefoot boy from Hannibal, MO.
Joe Joe Joe Joe Joe Joe Joe Joe
Look out look out look out
look out for shoeless Joe
from Hannibal, MO.
Joe Joe Joe Joe Joe Joe Joe Joe
Why not?
You can't just sit around and mope,
it's not good for your liver.
I'm not moping. I'm just thinking.
Megsie, you've gotta live.
I am living.
- Like we do.
- I'll tell you what.
You come with Doris and me.
We're going down to the station
this afternoon
and watch Gregory peck
come in on the train.
No, I don't think so.
Well, tomorrow there's a ball game.
No, thanks.
Listen, Meg, you might as well face it.
Joe is never coming back.
Oh, I think he is.
Honey, don't you know?
- He's left you flat.
- No, he hasn't.
I'm sure he hasn't.
He'll come back.
He's going on with that chick
in the drugstore.
Mr. Van Buren won't like it.
Hey, want to join up with me, slugger?
- She's got a friend.
- Oh, I guess not, rocky.
- Thanks, anyhow.
- Some other time.
Keep away from me, man.
You're a bad influence.
- Something the matter, kid?
- What?
Oh, no, no, not a thing.
Seems like, uh, you ain't kinda
feeling so good lately.
I was just thinking.
You married?
- Say, uh, how did you know?
- Had a fight with her, huh?
Oh, no, no, nothing like that. Not exactly.
It ain't good for your game,
Joe, to get so, so glum.
Go see her, cheer yourself up.
- Uh, he wouldn't like it.
- Huh?
- Who wouldn't?
- Forget it.
Well, don't let her get you
in no dark corner.
By gosh, you gave me an idea.
You know, I think I will.
Will what, Joe?
I'll go see her.
Well, we'll go ahead with the lunch
while you finish up in here.
Come on, Doris.
You're the sandwich expert.
You're telling me.
There's something about
an empty chair
that makes me feel afraid
when he is not sitting there
and since he's gone away
the house seems much too bear
empty am I
with my empty chair
full of longing for hope..
- I wanna be Joe Hardy.
- I wanna be Joe Hardy.
No, I wanna be Joe Hardy.
To think of where we left off
there's something about
an empty bed
it's lonely with his covers
smooth from foot to head
no Joe to hug
my pillow has to do instead
empty am I
with my empty life
For without a husband
what is
a wife.
Come.
Oh, I'm sorry. I thought you
were the deliveries.
Oh, I came about...
Well, that is someone said you had a room
you might be willing to rent.
Me rent a room?
Well, that's what they said,
some fella down at the corner.
I'm looking for a nice quiet place.
Well, my goodness, I never even
thought of renting a room.
Well, I wouldn't be any trouble,
I can promise you that.
Well, I'm sure you wouldn't, but...
- You see, mister, mister...
- Uh, Hardy.
Uh, Joe Hardy.
My husband's name is Joe.
Oh, is that so?
That's quite a coincidence.
He's away.
- Well, that's too bad.
- Yes, it's...
- For long?
- No, not too long.
I hope, he had to go on a trip and...
Maybe that's why this fella thought
you might have an extra room.
- Meg?
- Oh, dear, excuse me.
We're cooking for the bridge
club, a friend of mine,
her sister from my hometown.
Just make yourself at home.
I think it'd be a good idea,
that's what I think.
Well, we ought to meet him first.
Oh, he's a good boy.
You could just tell that.
Come on, you can introduce us.
Well, wait till I fix my hair, dumbbell.
Oh, yeah.
Oh, I'm sorry to have taken so long.
My friends think it'll be good
for me to take in a boarder.
Well, I'd certainly appreciate it.
Well, they're coming right in to meet you.
Okay.
Now, um, I have a room
that was my husband's den
that we use as a guest room,
has a nice studio couch.
- Would you like to see it?
- I know it'll be alright.
And, uh, another thing,
I'd have to ask you not to use
the downstairs when I have bridge club.
- That's every three days.
- Well, that wouldn't bother me.
I... I go away quite a bit anyhow.
I'd be out of town for like two
or three weeks at a time.
Oh. Oh, here they are.
I want you to meet my friends.
Um, sister Miller.
- Hello, there.
- Doris Miller.
- How do you do?
- And this is Mr. Harper.
Isn't it a gorgeous day?
Oh! Oh, my goodness.
- This is Joe Hardy.
- What?
You're Joe Hardy, aren't you?
Yeah, I guess I am.
It's Joe Hardy, Meg.
He's not Mr. Harper, it's Joe Hardy.
Why, he's the greatest baseball...
Oh, my goodness.
I'm flabbergasted.
Oh, gee, Joe...
You don't know what's happened to you, Meg.
He's a hero.
Yes, good morning.
I'm from city hall.
- Where?
- City hall.
Just serving official notice
in the neighborhood.
- What kind of notice?
- A new zoning law.
No one is permitted to take
roomers in this neighborhood.
But they do, people do.
- Effective as of today.
- What's this?
- This man said I...
- It's alright, Meg.
I mean, Mrs. Boyd, I... I know this man.
Just... just let me talk to him,
I'll be right in.
Really, Mr. Applegate, this is
carrying things too far.
Well, do you think I like it,
wasting my time?
Not to mention the money spent on costumes.
Don't you just know what I'm
doing without all that effort?
No, Joe, I have to do most
things the hard way.
The only thing that comes really
easy is the cigarette trick.
And now I'm trying to break
myself of the filthy habit.
Is it anything so terrible
just want to come home?
It's gauche.
You know how I feel about home and wives?
Well, you don't own me yet,
not till the 24th.
Look, Joe. I'm going to send
for a beautiful girl.
A real sexy baby.
I don't want a real sexy baby.
And if you want to know what's happened,
I've rented a room here.
But I told you
to stay away from...
Ooh, my hoof...
He's gone.
What'd he you say?
Oh, he's just a practical joker.
Oh, well, I'm not much
of a judge of character.
That's what my husband always said.
We're gonna fix your room up
with a lot of Jo-Jo baseball
pictures, Mr. Hardy.
My husband's a great fan, you know?
Oh, a fanatic.
Every night in front of that television set
you'd see that big fat slob sitting there.
- Hello?
- I need you, Lola.
What?
Oh, hello.
Oh, is that you, chief?
I want you here in Washington.
But, chief, I'm still working on Clarence.
I've got to put you on a new assignment.
Alright, chief, I'll get there.
I'll work hard. I'll finish 'em
up and be there tomorrow.
Well, see you do. Good-bye.
All I can say is the press
has been pretty good to Joe.
Maybe he ought to co-operate.
We can't write anything
if Joe can't remember anything.
You must have some family.
No, no, nobody. They've all passed away.
Gone. Dead.
What about friends?
Well, he's got one friend I know of.
Put me down, little girl.
What about friends back in Hannibal,
heard from any of them?
Uh, well...
If you will, uh, permit me to say a word.
I happen to represent the Hannibal bugle
and, uh, I'm telling you
right now that everybody
in our little old town is just as proud
as pumpkins of little old Joe.
Well, thank little old you,
and thank little old Joe.
Quit riding the boy, will you?
He's gone from pinch hitter to
idol of the nation in one month.
He's made our whole team come to life.
He told you about those shoes.
He just picked up the wrong pair.
Now if you want to ask any more
questions, ask me.
Okay.
Do you think Washington
will win the pennant?
Yeah, when I swim the channel.
What's so funny?
What's so darn funny about
Washington winning the pennant?
Well, who's winning more games than we are?
Oh, no, Joe.
I don't see why it's such a funny idea
that we should cut the pennant.
All we have to do is win games.
Hear, hear.
I... I guess I talked to much.
No, you didn't.
These newspaper people don't know
what it means to have
your heart in a ball club.
I tell you in baseball,
anything can happen.
You said we'd never
make the first division.
But we're there.
Now, I say we'll have that pennant sewed up
by the 25th of September.
That's what we think, isn't it, Joe?
The 25th. The season ends at 25th?
That's right, boy.
We'll have it sewed up by the 24th.
There's a statement for ya.
How sneaky can a fella get?
Lola!
Hiya, chief.
- Well?
- Here I am.
- Have a nice trip?
- Oh, perfect.
The plane crashed in Cleveland.
Good. Now, about that job in Chicago.
Just dandy.
I got the old boy to embezzle
a hundred thousand dollars
and lost it for him at the racetrack.
Then his wife left him
and he took to drink.
I told him I was through
and he jumped out the window.
Twenty-second story.
That's high enough. That's fine.
I'm gonna try the empire state building
on this next one.
No, no, no, no, no, Lola.
This is a straight seduction job.
A new boy I just got hold of.
Look, Lola, I, uh, I've done
a terribly foolish thing.
I'm really ashamed to confess it.
I've let this real estate idiot talk me
into an escape clause.
- I've never heard of it.
- You'll never hear of it again.
It slipped by me, I... I've got
too much on my mind.
- I'm overworked.
- Oh, I know, poor dear.
- Elections coming up.
- Yeah.
So when I made this Joe Hardy deal...
- Joe Hardy?
- That's his name.
He's a baseball player.
Yeah, no, Clarence
just raved about him.
- Who's Clarence?
- You know.
Oh, yeah, that one.
Look, Lola, here's the tie up.
This is a mass torture deal
like the thirty years war.
I've got thousands
of Washington fans drooling
under the illusion that the Senators
are gonna win the pennant.
Oh, chief, that's awfully good.
When they lose, there will be suicides
and heart attacks and apoplexy.
Just like the good old days.
But the key to the whole thing
is this Joe Hardy.
And he wants to go home to his wife.
Well, don't worry, chief,
you know I'm pretty good
at making men forget their wives.
This is a routine case.
I'll give him the standard
vampire treatment.
Sure, sure, uh, there isn't a homewrecker
on my staff better than you, Lola.
But this fellow is stubborn.
Oh, come on, chief, you
know I've got what it takes.
Don't make me brag.
I took the zing out of the king of Siam
I took the starch out of the sails
of the prince of Wales
it's no great art
getting the heart of a man
on a silver platter
a little brains a little talent
with an emphasis on the latter
I made mincemeat
out of a sweet young farmer
I knocked the fight
out of a knight
when I pierced his armor
and I'll bet I could upset every male
in a Yale regatta
a little brains a little talent
with an emphasis on the latter
you've gotta know just what to say
and how to say it
you've gotta know what game to play
and how to play it
you gotta stack those decks
with a couple of extra
Aces
and this queen has her aces
in all the right places
I've done much more than that old bore
Delilah
I took the curl out of the hair
of a millionaire
there is no trick
getting some hick who is cool
just a little warmer
a little talent a little brains
with an emphasis on the former
Split up a home
way up in Nome
Alaska
and wreck the life
of every wife
down in Madagascar
ask me why weak men"ll die for me
strong men simply shatter
a little brains a little talent
with an emphasis on the latter
you've gotta know just what to do
and how to do it
you've gotta know what tea to brew
and how to brew it
Delilah claim no haircut made her man
a weakling
but when she turned the lamps on
guess who was with Samson
bring on that boy
he'll be a toy
to Lola
just one more case
she can erase
with that old Zambola
what's my plan?
Same as with any man
I'll use the standard platter
plus a little this-a
and a little that-a
with an emphasis
on the
on the latter.
Lola, this is the one.
Well, what do you think?
Duck soup.
I'll go put on my working clothes.
See you after the game.
Nice going, Joe.
Yeah, we jumped over a team, that's all.
- Yeah, boy.
- We'll eat 'em for less.
Hardy!
Ain't had such a good time in years.
Well, I hope those
so-called bombers enjoyed
themselves as much as I did.
Hey, you look pretty
near like a ball player today.
Three for five, kid, three for five.
Now, boys, get some sleep.
- Three for five!
Now, tomorrow, we'll pin their ears back
and bow knot for them.
Right.
Mr. Applegate, I'd like to ask
you just one more question.
When Joe was back in Hannibal,
did he have the same name?
Yes. Hardy.
You spell it with an "h."
What's so funny?
Uh, something came to mind.
It isn't important.
He played a nice game today.
His batting average
went up three more points.
Now it's 524.
That's not bad for a raw rookie.
Yes. Very raw.
Lovely girl.
I know she'll make some nice
young men very unhappy.
Three for five.
Hey, rock, that dumb blonde tomato
from the drug store is out there
waiting for you.
Three for five?
She asked was I the reception committee.
You are sure dressed for the part.
- Okay, baby, here I come.
- Good evening, gentlemen.
Good evening.
Ah, great game, Joe.
Great game.
- Goodnight, Joe.
- Goodnight, Joe.
Goodnight, Joe, - Goodnight, Joe.
- See ya.
- Well, Joe...
We showed those Yankees, didn't we?
Well, if we could just take
that double-header tomorrow
wouldn't that be great?
You will, you will.
I feel it in my bones. Oh, Joe.
Joe, did you happen to notice
the charming young lady
sitting in the box with me?
- Yeah, I saw somebody.
- She wants to meet you.
I'll bring her in.
Wait till I get my pants on.
That's my boy.
You know, I got sort of a date tonight.
At home, I mean.
I know, you don't like it.
Ah, I do like it, Joe.
I've changed my mind.
- I want you to be happy.
- Thanks.
But this is a real sweet kid
and she wants to meet you, so I...
Well, sure, sure.
Lola.
She was talking about you
all through the game.
Ah, here we are.
This is my friend Lola.
- How do you do?
- This is Joe Hardy.
I have seen him from a distance.
And admired him.
You should not tell that I admire.
Joe, this is senorita Lolita Hernando.
You may have seen her picture in the paper.
She was miss west indies.
Well, it certainly
is a pleasure to meet you.
Thank you.
Joe, uh...
Keep Lola a company a second.
I gotta get a hot dog.
Oh, but, uh...
Where are my manners?
You wanna sit down?
You are so polite.
This is where you all get ready.
Yes, ma'am.
Interesting.
Oh, the truth is, Mr. Joe,
I do not know how to talk
to a man so famous like you.
Oh, how about you miss west indies,
that's going some.
Oh, it is silly.
I am ashamed, he told you.
Mr. Applegate tries
to show me off too much.
Because my pictures in the papers
and because maybe I'm pleasing
to look in a bathing suit.
Is that important?
Well, uh, as the fellas
around here would say,
"it ain't bad."
Oh, no, Joe, what is inside me
if I am an interesting person,
that is important.
Oh, I agree.
Thank you.
What is those?
Oh, uh, that... that's
when we pack our duffel
when we go on the road.
Oh, Joe.
You like music, you like dancing?
I'm not very hot at dancing, but, uh,
I like, I like music though.
I studied the cornet for three years.
You help me down,
please?
Oh, sure.
Thank you.
I, um...
I really studied for four years...
Uh, my, uh, my... my teacher said
I had a... a... a... a natural lip.
For playing the cornet that is,
I mean, well...
To... to play the cornet,
you just gotta have good lips.
Oh, gosh.
Oh, Joe
you are a wonderful boy.
- I am?
- You are so honest.
Oh, I'm honest but I'm dumb, too.
Oh, I like people
who do not brag about themselves.
Me too. I wonder where Applegate...
You know something?
I think you and I feel just alike about...
Things.
We do?
I think we should become
to know each other quite well.
Joe...
Would you like to take Lola
some place tonight?
Gee, I-I sure would like to but, uh...
You know what Mr. Van Buren would say.
He'd say, "you lucky boy."
No, no. He'd say it's late.
He likes us to get to bed early.
Any particular place?
Oh, Joe...
You think I am a naughty girl.
No, I... I don't, only, uh...
Well, you see, I rented a room
out in Chevy chase
this afternoon and I promised
to move in tonight.
I've got to go home.
Home?
Yes, I promised to be there.
You want to hurt Lola's feelings?
No, no. I don't want to hurt
anybody's feelings.
Well, Lola wants you to say with her.
Oh, we... we have to keep training,
strict rules and all that.
You can tell me all the rules.
You're... you're making things
very complicated.
Then be a good boy.
I'm... I'm trying to.
And do like Lola tells you to do.
Whatever Lola wants
Lola gets
and little man
little Lola
wants you
make up your mind to have
no regrets
recline yourself
resign yourself
you're through
I always get
aim for
and your heart and soul
is what I came for
Whatever Lola wants
Lola gets
no use to fight
don't you know you
can't win
You're no exception to the rule
I'm irresistible you fool
give in
give in
give in
Hello Joe
it's me
he hits so far
hold on that's you
Hold on
Peek-a-boo
I always get
aim for
and your heart and soul
is what I came for
Lola wants
Lola gets
you'll never win
I'm irresistible you fool
give in
give in
Hello Joe.
Um, m... miss, uh, miss Lola...
Yes, Joe?
If... if... if... if it was you
I promised to come home to...
You'd want me to, wouldn't you?
I see.
Oh, you're... you're... you're
awfully wonderful.
And I... I... I wish
I was two people but...
But I'm only one.
And I'm married.
What a flop!
"Just a routine case, huh?
"Duck soup, huh?
I was wrong.
- He is different.
- "Alibi Ike."
Oh, I never ran up against
anybody like that before.
Oh, bosh and double bosh!
Get yourself a new line!
Your methods are old-fashioned.
Whatever Lola wants Lola gets
whatever Lola wants and Lola gets
Alright!
They're going on the western trip now.
But you just wait until he comes back.
I'll show you how to handle this situation.
"Joe gets a grand slam!"
"Washington now are in second place."
"Washington wins ten streak
Joe gets a grand slam!
Well, well, my dear girl
you should've been there.
You should've seen a real artist at work.
You couldn't get him away
from his wife, huh?
- Well, I could.
- How? Is he crazy about you?
Oh, very funny.
What did you do?
I used the head
my futile wench.
I went into the neighborhood
and I spread scandal.
She will have to throw him out.
What kind of scandal?
Why, good heavens, the boy's living
right there in the house with that woman.
Aren't you shocked? I am.
Whatever Lola wants
Lola gets.
What are you made up for?
What have you got on?
My costume!
I've joined a Joe Hardy fan club.
Ain't that tender?
Ain't that touchin'?
I'm boring from within.
Infiltrating.
You better be.
And I've to go to a rehearsal now.
- I'm in one of the acts.
- Okay, go on.
Go to rehearsal. Go ahead. Get out of here.
See if you can be useful.
Go on, get out of here!
You depress me!
Whenever I am
from time to time depressed
and the trauma wells
and swells within my breast
I find some pride
deep inside of me
as I fondly walk the Lane
of a memory
I see
Bonaparte a mean one
if ever I've seen one
and Nero fiddling through
that lovely Blaze
Antoinette dainty queen j
with her quaint guillotine
those were the good old days
I see Indians dragging
an empty covered wagon
when scalping the settlers
was the latest craze
and that glorious morn
Jack the ripper was born
those were the good old days
I'd sit in my rocking chair
peacefully rocking there
counting my blessings by the score
the rack was in fashion
the plagues were my passion
each day held a new joy
in store
was anybody happy?
I see
cannibals munching
a missionary luncheon
the years may have flown
but the memory stays
like the hopes that were dashed
when the stock market crashed
those were the good old days
I'd walk a million miles more
for some of the gore
of those good
old
days.
I don't know who he was, Joe
but he just got everyone
in the neighborhood talking.
Well, il... I think I know who it was.
After all, I am a married woman.
Sure, I understand.
I just hate to ask you to leave but...
It's alright.
Oh, Joe, I...
I'll be back.
I hope so.
You can count on it, Meg.
Goodbye.
Cards, please. Show your cards!
Card please, show your card.
Come on, come on!
Well, if they want my autograph
they want my autograph.
Okay, kids.
Here comes somebody.
He's nobody.
Are you anybody?
Not a soul.
Show your card.
Joe was living at some
rooming house, wasn't he?
Uh, I don't know.
How long has he been living at the hotel?
Oh, go on! Just tell me anything
you know about him.
Come on, Benny.
Let's make this a good party tonight.
Don't worry.
I'm not gonna let anyone see how I feel.
Oh, we've come to the end of the season
better than I ever dreamed.
Two games to go.
Now, now, now, you just relax.
We'll be the champions.
All we have to do
is win just one of those games.
But the way Joe cracked up on us today.
Is that so?
She just asked me.
Would I like to be her partner?
She's good.
We've been rehearsing the whole week.
Hey, that's the one.
"Sure don't know how to thank you
for this wonderful turnout tonight.
Congratulations.
Oh, it's you.
You see, I've become a fan.
Officially.
We're putting on a dance
in your honor tonight.
That's, uh, that's very nice, Ms. Fernando.
No, Joe, Ms. Fernando's gone.
No accent, didn't you notice?
She failed dismally.
Kidding me again, I guess.
No, Joe.
Kidding myself.
I'm just a bold hussy
who's organized a fan club...
Without instructions from Applegate.
He wanted us to lose today, didn't he?
Didn't you hear him giving me the razz
throughout the whole game?
You know, personal things.
Anything to throw my game off.
That's why I threw the ball in the stands.
I was trying to hit him.
You let in two runs and hit an old lady
he was delighted.
What does he want?
- Tomorrow's the 24th.
- Yeah.
I think he doesn't want to lose you.
Uh... uh, what do you want?
I'd like to be your friend.
Thanks.
Oh, Joe, you make me feel girlish.
And I'm a 172 years old.
You see...
Many men have loved me. Hopelessly.
But I felt nothing.
Would you believe it
you're such a good, loyal
dumb, ordinary man.
You make me feel tender.
It's quite exciting.
Folderol. You heard what I said. Folderol.
We go on seven. Will you watch?
- Sure.
- Folderol!
What business is it of yours
where Joe lives.
I'm curious, that's all.
Well, he couldn't stand the publicity.
You see, he's like I am.
He's shy.
Joe moved to a hotel because...
Why did you move, Joe?
To be near you.
Boy's got spirit, don't you think?
I think a lot of things,
my friend, you see...
I've just come back from a trip
to Hannibal, Missouri.
Well, did you drop in to say
hello to the boys at the bugle?
There is no bugle, Mr. Applejuice.
- You know my name?
- Yes, I do.
But I don't know Joe Hardy's name.
What was the crack?
One thing I do know
his name is not Joe Hardy.
Well, if you're referring to the rumor
that he is in reality
shifty McCoy, I deny it emphatically.
Huh? Who...
Oh, who... who's shifty McCoy?
Alright, alright, if you haven't heard it
I haven't said it.
What's your big problem anyhow?
Why do you say he's not Joe Hardy?
Nobody in Hannibal has ever seen or heard
of Joe Hardy.
His birth is not registered there.
He's a faker!
Where'd he come from?
Don't be so nosy, huh?
Go home! Get married!
Have children.
So when the bases are loaded
the count is three and two
you'll hit a homer Joe
we can depend on you
you're a hero 'cause
you've got heart.
You're wanted on stage.
- Up we go.
- Benny?
You look pretty.
Oh, Benny, ever hear of a ball player
named shifty McCoy?
Shifty McCoy?
Isn't he the kid that took a bribe
in the Mexican league about four years ago?
- Oh?
- Yeah.
Yeah, through a game
and they caught him at it.
- What happened to him?
- Oh, he took it on the lam.
Never been heard of since as far as I know.
- Did you know him?
- No.
No, Ms. Thorpe.
I just saw his picture in the paper.
The paper? Oh.
And this is Joe's night.
And I'm not gonna start it off
with a long speech.
Later on, you may have
to listen to a tribute or two.
But right now, we're going to sit down
and see what some of Joe's
fan clubs think of him.
Shifty McCoy!
Of course, I'm sure!
Get all the stuff on him
and hold everything, I'll be right over!
And now, number seven.
We have a tribute from the...
"I love Joe" fan club.
Yeah, that's what it says.
Who's got the pain
when they do the mambo?
Who's got the pain when they go ugh?
Who's got the pain
when they do the mambo?
I don't know who do you?
Who needs a pill
when they do the mambo?
Who needs a pill when they go ugh?
Who needs a pill
when they do the mambo?
I don't know who do you?
Someone must be sick with the heat?
Or steppin' on everyone's feet?
But if everyone's feelin' okay
why don't they just say "olay"
when the music carries then away?
Ugh who's got the pain
when they do the mambo?
Who's got the pain when they go ugh?
Who's got the pain
when they do the mambo?
I don't know who do you?
Is there a doctor in the house?
Is there a doctor in the house?
If there's a doctor in the house
point him out but there is
an element of doubt
as to who's got the pain
when they do the mambo?
Who's got the pain when they go ugh?
Who needs a pill
when they do the mambo?
Who's got the pain when they go ugh?
That was terrific, Fosse.
You were wonderful.
Going a little far, don't you think?
What's the matter? Didn't you like it?
I like it fine.
Puff him up, baby.
I'll bring him down again.
- You what?
- It's already started.
Keep your eyes open, homewrecker.
You'll find out
who's got the pain the mambo.
You gotta have heart
Heart
all you really need is heart
when the odds are sayin'
you'll never win
that's when the grin should start
it's the new from America Joe
when your luck is battin' zero
get your chin up off the floor
mister you can be a hero
you can open any door
there's nothing to it but to do it
Extra! "Joe Hardy accused!"
Extra, extra! "Joe Hardy accused!"
Extra! "Joe Hardy accused!"
A genius of course
Hmm! For the love of Mike,
will you look at this?
- What are you talking about?
- He took a bribe!
Down in the Mexican league.
It's a lie. I don't believe it.
- Oh, my gosh!
- They're crazy.
Oh, no. I won't believe it.
Why should they say such a thing?
But it's not true, not any of it.
I'm not a crook! I wouldn't
double-cross you, Benny.
I'd die for the team. And I will!
And we'll win! We've got to!
We'll win, we'll win!
No. Oh, no.
Joe is down
at the commissioner's right now.
But the whole town is behind him.
Parades, speeches...
They know an okay guy
when they see one and so do I.
Joe ain't done nothing wrong.
I'll bet you the Yankees
are behind this whole thing.
- Yeah, they're scared of us.
- That's right!
Whether Joe's with us today or not
you guys are going out there
and you're gonna play
red-hot baseball.
You're the best team
in the league and you know it.
And when you take the field,
I want you to forget about Joe!
And fill that ball park
with so many base hits
those Cleveland Indians will think
it's the third world war.
Alright, I'll tell you.
Because I value the good name of baseball
more than I do of victory of my own team.
Well, just because a picture in the paper
taken four years ago
happens to look something like it.
Mr. Welch, Ms. Thorpe has the floor.
I know, I know.
It's not because of the picture.
The picture only fortified my suspicion
that he had a phony background.
And my paper has taken the trouble
to bring a few witnesses from Hannibal
if you care to hear them.
Certainly, go ahead.
Mr. Hawkins?
This is the postmaster from Hannibal.
Read about it.
"Joe on trial!"
Read about it.
"Joe on trial!"
Just answer me one thing, boy.
If as you say,
you were brought up in Hannibal
how do you recount for the fact
that no one seem to remember you.
Well, uh, I... I... I... I told you...
- Ah! Good news!
- What is it, Mr. Applegate?
I asked for a recess until 10:30 tonight.
I have a witness flying in from Mexico City
who knew shifty McCoy!
Well, I don't know what to think.
We know he just never came from Hannibal.
We just know that.
Well, I know something else
that's more important.
- He's a good boy.
- I didn't say he wasn't.
I may not be a judge of character
but I know when somebody's good.
You're darn tootin'.
And if Joe picked out Hannibal
as the town he'd like to come from
he must have his good reasons.
And it's an honor to the town.
Can you imagine that old Mr. Hawkins
getting up there at that hearing
and saying those things?
Well, we could get up there, too.
What?
It's just psychology, baby.
Just psychology.
And once I've got him for keeps
I'll make him throw the game.
Oh, he'll burn.
He'll burn!
As for me, I'm sorry.
What did you say?
I said I'm sorry for him.
I have observed of late...
A certain laxity on your part.
Have you forgotten every principle
I've ever taught you?
Alright, Lola, 100 times.
Never feel sorry for anybody,
never feel sorry for anybody.
I'm gonna select something appropriate
for this evening's hearing.
Never feel sorry for anybody,
never feel sorry for anybody.
That looks terrible.
I'll wear that.
Never feel sorry for anybody,
never feel sorry for anybody...
Ah! Now can anybody guess who that is?
Never feel sorry for anybody,
never feel sorry for...
Come in, Joe!
Never feel sorry for anybody,
never feel sorry for anybody...
Alright, Lola, knock it off. Later.
We've got the greatest baseball
player in the world with us.
Let us do him homage.
It's very kind of you
to say that, Mr. Applegate
but it doesn't look as if Joe Hardy
will ever make the hall of fame.
One can never tell.
I made my decision, Mr. Applegate
that's what I came to talk to you about.
I want to exercise the escape clause
which is to take place
on the 24th which is today.
Well, now...
Aren't you being a little hasty?
I've thought it all over
I found out there's something
more important in life
than being a hero.
Deep, this boy.
- Very deep.
- I want out. I wanna go back.
Very well.
An operation of this kind must take place
at the witching hour.
So, at 5 minutes to midnight
if you still wanna go back
say the word.
Well, suppose this hearing
is still going on,
are you gonna change me right
there in front of everybody?
Oh, no, no, no, no, no.
That would cause talk.
All you have to do is say
"let us step into the next room."
Joe Hardy will go through that door
and he will never return.
"Took it on the lam, they'll say.
I just want to be sure
there's no misunderstanding.
Goodbye, Lola.
Never feel sorry for anybody,
never feel sorry for anybody.
Never feel sorry for anybody,
never feel sorry for any...
Alright, Lola,
let's not have just the letter.
Let's have the spirit.
Never feel sorry for anybody,
never feel sorry...
And, uh, don't get too impudent with me
or I'll degrade you and get Clementine
in here for this work.
You get too fresh with me
and I'll put you back on your broom.
Now, while I go to the hearing
you sit down there and you think
of three dirty tricks.
And they better be good.
Well, I'll tell you what it's called.
It's called perjury.
I call it helping out an innocent friend.
I call it exciting.
Mr. commissioner!
How can you believe these witnesses?
Subtle, sophisticated...
Oh, bosh.
Can twist this simple man
around her finger?
Who is simple? Now, you wait a minute.
One side, please. Let us through!
We're material witnesses.
I ask for a little Patience.
My witness in on the way from the airport.
But I can't wait that long, you know that.
I don't understand.
He does.
It's nearly midnight.
Don't worry, Joe.
- We came here to witness.
- Now wait a minute, lady.
We've decided that we should speak up.
We're material witnesses.
Why, hello there, Mr. Hawkins.
Well, May Parker, how are you, May?
It's the Miller girls.
You seem to be old acquaintances.
We'd like to take the stand and testify.
We'll take the oath or anything.
Well, you see, at first,
we didn't remember Joe
and then when I remembered him,
and reminded the girls
then pretty soon, they remembered him too.
Hello there, Joe.
My, I just hardly know you now
you've grown up so.
You knew him?
Oh, we picked huckleberries together.
You must remember him, Mr. Hawkins.
Don't you mind, he used to come in
and collect the mail for old Mrs. peeper.
It's five minutes before midnight.
What is it, Mr. Hardy?
Oh, I'd like to go in the other room
and talk to Mr. Applegate.
Wait, Joe, he remembers ya.
Sure, now I remember him.
I knew it! I knew Joe wouldn't lie!
Silence. Quiet please.
Why that boy sat there and let them
call him a liar to his face
and now by George, he's vindicated.
I don't want anyone to leave the room.
We didn't care what the paper said
we never lost faith in Joe.
He may have come from a poor family.
But that's no disgrace in this day and age.
Certainly some of
the greatest men in our country
came from poor families.
And the way it's turned out now
some of the greatest
baseball players did too.
You see, we three all knew each other
when we were young back in Hannibal
and Mr. Hawkins knew us.
So that when we heard about this thing
we couldn't bear to see an injustice done
and that's why we pushed through.
Although the corridors are so crowded
I just thought we'd never make it.
But we did.
Joe.
Where is he?
He's asleep.
I gave him a pill.
Why didn't you give him two?
I did.
Move over.
Sure, why not?
We're both in the same boat now.
Joe, don't cry.
Joe, you're gonna win.
- Maybe.
- I fixed it for you.
I said I gave him two pills,
I gave him four.
He was so delighted
with himself, horsing around.
He said, give me a drink of demon rum.
You know, big joke.
So I did and I slipped four pills into it.
He won't wake up until after the game.
But I wanted him to be there.
I wanted him to have to sit right there
and watch us win the pennant.
If he were there, you wouldn't win.
Oh, no, Benny's putting me out
in center field
I wouldn't hear him yell at me out there
I wouldn't even have to look at him.
It wouldn't make any difference.
He owns you now.
Boy. I see.
I didn't know how it worked.
But, Lola, what were you?
I was the ugliest woman
in Providence, Rhode Island.
Well, he'll be...
He'll be good and sored at what you did.
You think he'll turn you back?
Oh, he threatens.
Two lost souls.
I don't know whether to cry or make jokes.
Oh, Joe, jokes make jokes.
We're together tonight
and be never again.
Well, then, we ought to make
the best of it.
Please.
How do we do that?
You think of some way.
Give me a second now,
I'll figure something out.
See, I got it.
Joe, you like music, you like dancing.
Well, I'm not very odd at dancing
but I like music though.
But he's supposed to be in training.
He's relaxin', leave him alone.
He never let the team down yet, did he?
Two lost souls
on the highway of life
we ain't even got
a sister or brother
but ain't it just great
ain't it just grand?
We've got each other
two lost ships
on a stormy sea
one with no sails
and one with no rudder
but ain't it just great?
Ain't it just grand?
We've got each other
two lost sheep
in the wilds of the hills
far from the other
Jacks and Jills
we wandered away
and went astray
but we ain't fussin'
'cause we've got us and
we're two lost souls
on the highway of life
and there is no one
with whom we would rather
say ain't it just great
ain't it just grand?
We've got each other
go, boy, go.
Hey, how about that boy?
Oh, god.
Oh, come on.
Wherever we go
whatever we do
as long as you've got me
and I've got you
We've got a lot
because we've got
each other
Hey, Joe, you call that dancing?
Hey, Joe. Come on.
We ain't fussin'
'cause we got us and
Go! Go!
Two lost souls
two lost souls
go sister
go brother
great friend each other
two lost ships
stormy sea
no sail no rudder
sail each other
two lost sheep
wild hills
wanderin' strayin'
lost afraid
great friend
lost soul.
Put her there.
L-o-t-s!
Two
lost
souls
I see cannibals munching
a missionary luncheon
I don't want any doggone angels
hovering over me.
- Where am I?
- Good morning, chief.
Oh, I feel terrible.
What time is it?
My, I never knew you to sleep like this.
What lousy poet said "blessed sleep?"
What time is it?
Oh, it's about 3:30.
3:30 when?
The game. I'm supposed to be at the game.
Well, I tried to wake you.
There's something funny going on here.
Look, I shook you and shook you.
- What's the score?
- Oh, it's about even.
The score.
Washington leads, one to nothing.
Last of the seventh.
It's not too late.
I'll get dressed in a flash.
Well, come on.
I see it all now. You doped me.
But why? Why?
Because I love him.
Love?
Here we are, mister.
You're just gonna catch the last inning.
Somebody's gonna pay for this.
I'll pay just as long as Joe wins.
He won't win. He'll lose even
if I have to change him back
right there in front of everyone.
Well, I don't wanna see it.
Come back here, you.
Come back here, I said.
Now, no more nonsense.
Come on, will you?
Ball one.
What's the score? What's the score?
One to nothing, Washington.
Get a all in one, Mickey
sew it up, Mickey. Sew it up.
Strike one.
Strike him out.
The big bum! He can't hit it.
Ball one.
Foul!
He's gonna hold it.
You can get it, Joe. You can get it.
Benny, is Joe alright?
We can't find him. Smokey
found his shirt out there.
- He's disappeared.
- Here it is, Mr. Welch.
Joe Hardy disappears.
Washington wins the pennant.
Joe Hardy disappears.
Neither Mr. Welch nor Benny Van Buren
will affirm or deny
the disappearance of Joe Hardy.
However many of the players admitted
that from the moment he caught that ball
and ran into the clubhouse
none of them has seen him.
Where is he?
One of the rumors which persists
is that there has been foul play
by a group of New York gamblers
who are known to have bet
heavily on the Yankees.
Is that you, sister?
Joe!
I'm back.
Oh, Joe, I'm a sight.
A wonderful sight.
Oh, Joe.
Where you been?
Oh, no, no. I didn't mean that.
I wasn't gonna ask that.
- Don't ask it.
- I didn't mean to.
Don't ever ask it.
I won't.
You've been on a secret mission.
But you're back.
If you'll have me.
- Say things to me, Meg.
- We've had our little joke.
Things about us.
Joe, it was a mean trick to turn your back.
It was an impulse.
And I regret it.
But I'll make amends.
You can show up tomorrow, Joe.
And you can be Joe Hardy again.
And you can win the
world series, you can be a hero.
Empty am I with my empty chair...
look, Joe, I'm not really a bad fellow.
I'm just emotional.
I've forgiven Lola too.
Joe... Joe...
Underlines the blue
the tulips that he'd plant
and all have lost their bloom
Listen to me, you wife-loving louse.
You belong to me.
You sold me your soul.
You can't run out on me like this.
You thief! You crook!
You robbed me, that's what you did.