Daniel Sloss: Hubris (2024) Movie Script
2
Ladies nd gentlemen, please welcome to the stage, Mr. Daniel Sloss.
Ladies nd gentlemen, please welcome to the stage, Mr. Daniel Sloss.
How you doing Glasgow?
Good. It's nice to be here. It's nice to mean that.
I've said it's nice to be here a lot in the last 18 months,
and I've rarely fucking meant it.
I dunno how your job was during pandemic,
but I bet nobody asks you to do it in a fucking car park.
I got to go to Australia earlier this year, got
to go over there, and a lot of Australians were very angry.
Very angry that I was allowed to go over.
But Australia's good. It's Melbourne.
that's the clitoris of Australia.
It's the clitoris. It's fun, but needlessly sensitive and,
and it's dangerously close to being sht.
Uh, I did a two week
quarantine in Sydney in March to get into Australia.
And when I got to Melbourne, they were like,
ha ha Sloss, heard about your little fucking quarantine.
14 days of isolation must be difficult.
Not what we've gone through here in Melbourne.
We had a three month lockdown.
Do you know how difficult that was?
Do you know where I just fucking came from?
Why didn't you go tell Oscar Pistorius
that you stubbed your fucking toe?
Honestly, Oscar, I walk into the living room
and the coffee table, it's where it always is.
It's not moved, but I just knack my little toe just off the,
and you know how the little toe's,
the worst one to hit Oscar?
You know, that's the worst one.
It's like the balls of your feet. It's the worst.
I'm there. I'm in agony. I'm on the floor.
I'm shouting on my girlfriend. You won't believe it.
She doesn't come and get me.
Can you imagine what I went through, Oscar?
Why are you crying?
The reason I like being back here doing comedy here is
because I know what upsets us, right?
I know the the minefield in Scotland, right?
Everyone is offended by something. Right?
That's the difficult thing to get across in comedy.
You have every right to be offended
by anything I say this evening.
People are allowed to be offended by jokes.
I'm just allowed not to care. Right? But I do care.
I do care. I don't wanna offend you. That's not why.
Don't think I'm here to upset you.
I'm here to make you laugh.
I need that more than you'd fucking believe.
It keeps me alive.
My job as a comedian is to find out where the line is
and then move the line
and then gaslight you into thinking that's
where the line always was.
And that I've done nothing wrong.
I'm just a victim of cancel culture. Wah!
But I promise you, I'm just here to make you laugh.
And it's fun in Scotland because I know
what upsets Scottish people and I know what doesn't.
And everyone is offended by something.
And I'm mean everyone, right?
Don't listen to these big bald gammon cnts that'll fucking
walk around lecturing you on weaker generations.
They don't make 'em like me anymore.
They don't make 'em like me.
This fucking snowflake generation offended by anything
with their fucking pronouns offended by anything.
Not me. Not a hard man like me.
My granddad was in the fucking war.
Burn the Union Jack in front of him.
Let's,
Let's see who gets offended by stupid sht.
And I don't say that to disparaging him.
He's allowed to be offended by that.
But you don't get to claim brrrr.
Everyone is offended by something, right? It's the game.
I, I love going to new places to find out what upsets them
and how to, how to play that.
Um, I like when I go to America
and I make fun of America a lot, but it is very fun to gig.
And it's just very different to here.
'cause they get offended by sht
that nobody gets offended by here.
It's the certain country I've been to where most
of the adults will be sincerely offended by swear words.
Right? And I mean more, if it's not most,
it's at least 50% adults who can vote and pay taxes
and buy guns to shoot teenagers with
are offended by swear words.
And as a Scottish person that fascinates me
to be offended by 30% of language is,
it's to set yourself up to be sad every day.
Like you might as well just leave Lego
outside your own bedroom door at that point, if that's
how easily upset you want to be every day.
Naaaargh... But it fascinates me.
Why are the Americans more offended
by swearing than anyone else in the world?
And it's because they fucking suck at it.
The Americans are so bad at swearing.
They're the worst at cursing in the entire world.
So much so they don't even call it cursing.
They call it cussing
because they're bad when it comes to hard Rs.
So they can't say cursing.
They're just, they're just not,
and not being good at something
that really goes against the American national identity,
which is despite all evidence to the contrary,
we're the best at everything.
They like being number one.
It gives them the hug that their dad never did.
Makes them feel fucking strong. They need to be good.
That's why they shout about it all the time.
Greatest country in the world, greatest president in the world,
greatest army in the world,
highest death rates in schools in the world.
They've got to have that number one position.
You gotta fucking want it
nNw.
It's not their fault that they suck at swearing. English.
swear words were never designed for the American accent.
English swear words were designed for guttural accents.
Scottish, Irish, Australian.
And as much as it pains me to admit it,
the English are quite good at swearing.
It's all about vowels.
Vowels have to be short in swear words.
It's conducive to their functionality, right?
Listen to how I swear. Fck sht, cnt.
Look at that. In less than a second
I got three of the heavy hitters out. You barely even noticed.
I'd have to do a slow mo replay of that.
And you'd be like, oh, he did
Mtherfcker, pss, wank.
You see how quickly those roll of the tongue,
my swear words never dominate a sentence.
They're never the focal point of what I'm trying to say.
They're just flavouring.
They spice up my chat. Swearing,
well, as a Scottish person, is a lot like having a drum kit
backing up your rant.
Fck, fck, fck, fck. Sht. Fck, fck. Sht. Fck.
Motherfcker, motherfcker, motherfcker.
Pss, pssing bastard, pssing bastard. Sht.
Sht. Fck cnt, cnt
Pss. It's musical
and it's rhythmic
and it just, it,
it adds a little je nest ce quoi to the conversation.
But in America,
they don't shorten down their vowels.
They elongate their vowels
because they sing everything, because they're happy.
Because they're,hmmm,
and it means when they swear it sounds fucking rancid.
Why don't you fck off asshle? Oh,
What is that?
Oh, that was him trying to offend you. Huh?
It fucking worked.
You're being a real twot.
Oh, um, it's uh, it's twt.
You cnt. It's twt.
It rhymes with hat. It rhymes with cat. Twt.
Twot, interestingly enough, not a swear word.
Not even close to a swear word. Twot is a rejected Telly
Tubby. I don't know why you are dead naming him at this
point after he became Po.
What is this?
The Americans have this very binary black
and white understanding of swearing,
like swearing is associated with anger.
So if you swear in front of a lot of Americans,
they'll assume you're raging as opposed
to just fucking talking.
Catches me off guard. I'll be sat down
with some American friends.
They say something interesting that surprises me. Fck off!
And they will,
leaving in tears to fetch their gun.
It's why the word cnt is so offensive in America,
because to them the word cnt only has one meaning. And that
one meaning is vagina.
Gross, yuck, sexist sht.'a0
They don't even know that that word can mean child.
It's such a crucial but fundamental misunderstanding
of one Of the most fluid words that we
have in our arsenal.
A tree can be a cnt if you hate it enough.
I've had cars that were
cnts. That's why I like
our swearing.
I love how creative we get with swearing in this country.
Just making sht up all the time. Words are fluid.
The word twt, right?
I love the word twt because in Scotland it's got three
separate meanings by my last count. You can have a twt.
if you're a lady, that's you. That's what that is.
It's also another name. You can be a twt.
That's a stupid or annoying person.
There's at least one backstage. It's also a verb
You can twt someone
In this country, the
sentence I twatted the twt
in the twt,
grammatically makes sense.
Like you could write that down in an English exam
and they would have to mark
it correct.
They wouldn't want to,
but they'd be bound by the laws of Shakespeare.
That is an important thing to point out, by the way,
is this show here is just jokes.
It's all it is. It's all that.
It's just, expect nothing more
and you'll get nothing less.
It's just fucking jokes
Because it's hard to talk about the fucking pandemic.
'cause it was so sht and it was so long
and we all went through the same stuff.
I got so angry at points. I got so happy at points.
You could just get fucking depressed.
I got passionate about things I never thought
I'd get fucking passionate about.
I stood outside every Thursday
like a fucking mug.
The neighbours are doing it.
I'm fixing the NHS. That's what I'm doing. I'm fixing it.
This gives them money. But it is like, it's like,
when Bono clicked his fingers and an African died.
Every time I do this,
some covid cnt just gets over
their cold. It's class.
That's what the news said.
Pissed me off watching Boris Johnson doing it though.
That did my nut in. Every Thursday, Bojo
standing outside, Number 10 being like, fucking hell.
What an impossible job. What an impossible job.
If only there was something somebody could
do to make this easier.
For every one of you lovely,
brave soldiers on the front line.
It's unbelievable what you're all going through.
Aren't they brave? Aren't they brave? I think they are.
No, honestly, you all deserve a raise.
But I just don't know the guy who does that.
And if it were up to me, which is you know,
if it were up to me, we'd find out why
the NHS was in such shambles. And you're just there
Going Motherfcker'a0
you, you did it.
You and your fucking team. The Tories
clapping the NHS would be like
Auschwitz having Ice Cream
Tuesdays.
Just
every Tuesday they open one of the gates
and they ring a bell and they go
Ice cream for ze Jews,
ice cream for ze Jews,'a0 come on Juden,
come and have a 99. We have ze flakes.
Come on. What do you mean'a0
I am being evil? I am am ze one feeding
zem.
Look how hungry ze children are.
And I'm giving zen ze ice cream.
How much he gobbles it up with the sprinklesand ze
Chocolate sauce. Ice cream for ze Jews!
We are not releasing that joke anywhere.
Look, I don't believe in comedians being canceled, right?
So, and I'll clarify that statement, right?
Regular people like you scumbags can be canceled.
Something you said 10,
15 years ago in social media when you were a different
person, you can be brought up now, held to account compared
to you now, and they can pretend that you haven't grown
as a human being and then you can be fired from your job
and lose your wife or kids or whatever.
That absolutely 100% happens.
But what happens is when comedians are canceled,
when they're canceled, it's
because a joke of theirs is taken out context.
You miss the tone of the room, you miss the setup.
You miss the punchline. You miss all
the things that make a joke,
a joke. It's taken out of context.
Even in context,
Ice cream for the Jews
isn't that great.
Like, I dunno how I defend it on Newsnight.
So Mr. Sloss, thank you very much
for coming on Newsnight in your black turtleneck sweater.
A lot of our audience at home haven't
seen your so-called comedy.
Any chance you could regale them with the punchline?
Uh oh, certainly.
Um, I would yell ice cream for ze Jews,
Uh, for 20 to 30 seconds,
depending on the audience response.
One time I got it to 45 seconds in Glasgow.
And that was, that was pretty cool.
That was, and I don't know whether it's
because they love ice cream or they,
or whether they hate the Tories.
Every one of you, every fucking one of you had your tail
tucked between your fucking legs.
Don't say Jews. Don't say Jews.
And uh, and I, I did it in an accent that started German,
but uh, for some reason ended up French.
And if I'm being honest, I think artistically, that's
because I always struggle with ze chocolate sauce.
I just think that's impossible
to not say in a French accent.
I'm not here to upset you.
I always say some pretty shtty things,
but I say them for the sake of comedy.
Always in the search of comedy.
Laughter's my favourite thing in the entire world.
I find it to be such a beautiful response,
such a joyous response.
Why do we laugh? Why do we do that?
What's the fucking point? Fortunately,
scientists have done a lot of research on laughter.
Uh, because I think cancer was getting too hard.
It just won't stop.
There's so much of it.
I might have to change my degree to Giggles
and LOLS, if that's okay.
because this is making me very sad.
Scientists have discovered that the lowest form of animal,
the lowest species that is actually capable of laughter, uh,
is a Scottish Tory.
But after that, it's after that.
No! Cheap,
lazy political point
scoring
Lazy, lazy, Lazy sht.
Bad comedian. But
the answer is rats.
Rats are capable of laughter.
Turns out, if you flip a rat onto its back
and you tickle its belly, the rat will let a
little high pitch squeaks.
Like,'a0 [squeak, squeak, squeak] and that's a rat's version of laughter.
And the scientist is just there like, I've got a degree.
Can't believe I ever wasted my life on cancer.
This is sick. Who's a tickly little rodent? [squeak, squeak, squeak]'a0
And they're fascinated by this response.
The fact that rats can laugh means it's not
exclusive to human beings.
Other creatures can laugh.
Therefore, there has to be some sort
of evolutionary reason to this process.
What is that? They deduced
that any other time a rat's on its back
and something is scratching at its belly.
That's a fucking death sentence.
That is the worst case scenario.
That is a big giant monster just
tearing out its insides and the rat's just dead.
But in this moment, what tickling actually is,
is it's a safe version of the normally dangerous thing.
It's a safe violation. Essentially.
If this was real, oh
god, no. Ah,
But it's not. So
Hee hee. And
that's the essence of laughter.
If this horrible thing was real, it would be awful.
But it's not, so giggles.
And when I read that article, I was like, that is my sense
of humour in a nutshell.
And not my good sense of humour, not the one I display
to you, but my regular everyday sense
of humour is I love saying the wrong thing to people.
I love to test the boundaries of our relationship.
Two of my closest friends in the world are gay.
Hold your applause. I know I'm a saint.
What can I say? I'm just so fg liberal.
Just so fucking woke. Two poofs doesn't bother me.
Doesn't bother me, doesn't bother me. I watch them kiss.
Doesn't bother me. It doesn't bother me.
They don't know I'm doing. It doesn't bother me.
Now, they've been gay for ages, probably their whole lives.
I've not asked. I wasn't there when they made the decision.
But for 10 years I knew them.
They weren't allowed to get married
because they lived in Australia.
And Australia didn't recognise gay marriage,
even though there was'a0 fucking heaps of it.
And about two years ago, they finally got
to send me their wedding invite
after Australia had a little plebiscite public vote
that legalised gay marriage.
I welled up when their post came in the mail, their invite.
Rhys and Kyron would like to invite you to their special day.
Ah, and I RSVP'd, no, because that's an abomination.
And that's not
in my defense,
they were meant to get married in March last year,
and then god sent a plague.
So while I'm saying is,
occasionally, not all the time,
but occasionally it does happen that I get described
as an intellectual comedian.
And let's snip that in the fucking bud.
I am not an intellectual comedian, okay?
If you find my comedy intelligent
that says more about your state of mind
than it does about mine, don't drag me down to your level.
I know what I am. And that's a rat
with a fucking microphone.
I wish I had a smart sense of humor. I don't.
I laugh at horrible sht. Like, you know those times
where something funny happens
and the laugh for you last for 30 seconds,
but the shame of laughing
stays with you for a very long time.
Couple of years ago,
somebody fell over in the middle of the street, right
on the road. They were over the age of 80.
You had a little giggle. And then two
years later, you're in the shower.
Like, oh, I don't think a good
person would've laughed at that.
She died
Last January,
I had, uh, my girlfriend moved in
because, um, well, I mean, in all honesty,
I thought we were gonna be on tour for nine months.
Can I move in?
Sure, you can, keep it clean. Love you.
We had a good start living together. It was great.
I mean, it was, we were in that like doe-eyed stage
of a relationship where, you know,
you don't see the flaws in each other
because you're too busy licking each other's genitals
and you're just happy
and you're like, oh, this will be it forever.
And we were enjoying it. Like one day,
like the idiot she is, she's like, I love you
unconditionally.
Unconditionally.
You are not my mom. Sit down.
But alright, let's play a game.
I wanna test how unconditional, unconditional is.
Now, the good thing about my girlfriend, my fiance, is
that she does, for some reason, reasons only known to her,
loves me truly for who I am on the inside.
She loves me, for me. There is one bit
of my personality that, that she doesn't like.
And it's my least favourite part about myself too.
And it's my arrogance. Sometimes, especially in recent years,
I can be very arrogant because things go well for me.
And then I get caught up in my own hype.
And I like the smell of my own sht.
And it's very unendearing.
Sometimes I try to like play up to my arrogance.
But being self-aware about your deepest flaws
and doing nothing about them doesn't make you smart.
It just makes you more of an unprogressive piece of sht.
So, but what I'm like, all right,
unconditionally, let's play a game.
Oh, I love you baby. I love you unconditionally too.
It's so good living with you for the past couple months.
It's been so good, so good that I can't bear
to spend a moment without you.
So much so that I've looked over the finances and
because things have been going so well. For me.
If you don't want to work anymore,
you don't have to work anymore.
Daddy's got it covered.
In fact, by my calculations, if you want to stay at home
and be a good little house btch,
I can make those dreams come true.
And I haven't seen her since,
but apparently she's very happy.
She, she's still there.
She didn't, she didn't react in the way I wanted,
but she didn't, well, she knows me.
She was just like, did that amuse you?
They say you can't tickle yourself,
but I just did.
And I thought that was very amusing.
How do you feel about the term house btch?
I'd rather not read into it if I'm being honest.
Well, I get the stupid point that you're trying to make.
I understand your little argument,
but to have an adult conversation with you, no,
I'm gonna keep my job because I like it.
My co-workers are fun. I worked hard to get it.
I work hard at it.
It's nice having nine hours of the day away from you,
you fucking narcissist.
But most importantly, now that we live together
and share this home, I just like being able
to help contribute to the household.
And that's fair. Of course, it's fair.
And it's one of the many, many reasons why I love her.
And she does help contribute to the household, you know,
in the same way that giving a child a smaller shopping
trolley helps you shop.
What have you got there?
Oh, Coco Pops.
Thank god I brought my little helper.
Couldn't have done it without you.
That was me in January last year.
And then in March, I became violently unemployed.
Oh boy did I become unemployed
and I didn't handle any of it well.
I didn't handle any of the lockdowns well.
It turns out all of my confidence,
all of my self-worth and all of my ego comes from the love
and approval of strangers
and to you all fcked off.
And I've never learned how to make myself feel that way.
She's got a work from home job.
She's having the time of her life. She's like, la, la, la.
Hey, hey, hey, Hey, hey.
Fill the void.
I need you to give me the love of a thousand strangers.
You're in a Zoom meeting, I'm so sorry to bother you.
I'll just go smoke some marijuana on a beanbag
that'll help my mental health.
Oh, I'm fucking worthless.'a0
And while I was in that beanbag smoking weed every day
feeling sorry for myself, she would've been well,
well within her rights to find me moping and be like,
Who's the house btch now,
motherfcker. Huh? Huh.
Oh, Coco Pops. Coco pops.
Thank god for coco pops.
But she didn't do that
because she's a better person than I am.
Right? She understands
that sometimes jokes have consequences,
whether you like them
or not, they affect someone else's confidence in themself.
She held it back. She's just like,
she's got higher levels of empathy.
That's what she's got. And that's why I believe
in the future, when women take over,
if they want to be a sexist to us, as we've been
to them for the past
couple of years,
let's meet somewhere in the middle and say four,'a0
if they wanna be as sex as us as we've been to them,
they're allowed to be. 10 years down the line.
I'm at home. Four screaming kids.
We've only got three, but I can't seem
to work out which one the friend is.
Okay, I guess we're having a sleepover. Yay.
Play some FIFA 32 with 'em.
Give them some beans on toes.
Stick 'em in bed with a bedtime story.
A couple of hours later, she comes in. Where the fck?
Where the fck have you been?
You don't call, you don't text, you don't hologram.
The future's fun. Oh,
here he is, nag, nag, nag.
The second I get in the door, straight in my bloody ear,
I don't even have my heels off my fucking feet.
Oh, you've been drinking, have you? And don't lie to me.
I can smell the Malibu on your breath.
Come on. I'm not like that. Get away from me. You stink.
Oh, come on. It's not gonna lick itself. Come on.
You are a disgrace.
Just go back to sleep. Just go back to sleep. Mummy,
Mummy's just being silly.
Mummy's just had too much silly juice.
She'll be fine in the morning. She'll be fine.
I love you all very, very much.
I go to bed in a huff.
She stumbles in 10 minutes later. I pretend to be asleep.
She starts slapping her tts off my back.
She calls that the wandering octopus.
Eventually I concede. She gets on top.
She rides me passionless for two
and a half minutes, gets hers, rolls
off, queefs, falls asleep.
I've got to go to the bathroom to finish myself off,
afterwards on the phone crying to my dad.
You won't believe what she's done. Your
Mother was the same, may she rot in
hell.
I do love it here. I love it.
I love, I'm very proud of being Scottish.
I get to travel a lot. And I love that.
And I obviously now we can't, all, I say we can't travel.
You can't travel. I can. Very talented.
We've discussed this. If I could make a recommendation
for someone for you to visit, once this is all over, eh,
put Japan to the top of your list.
Japan is such a phenomenal place.
I never, never in my life thought I'd get to go,
let alone to do comedy.
But me and Kai went out
to perform in Tokyo about two or three years ago.
And it's so different.
It's so very, very different in wonderful ways.
But it's a huge culture shock.
The main thing is, is how friendly they are.
And not like friendly like Glasgow is,
which is like, do you wanna see a back alley?
It's legit. They're legitimately friendly people.
The Japanese are so friendly,
the friendliest people I've ever met in my life.
And that's because they know what they did.
And they're sorry.
Unlike us, they're taught their own history.
They're like, yeah, we were little rascals.
fucking got 'em though.
One of the biggest differences I noticed,
at least publicly, was their sense of stoicism.
There was a real sense of not wanting to betray too much
of your emotions, at least in a public setting.
Now, I don't know if that was just a front that they put on
for Westerners, but
because I'm a westerner, it's the only front I saw.
But there was a real sense of, you keep your emotions
to yourself, you're nice, you're polite,
and even if you're going through a bad time,
that's nobody else's problem.
It's yours. You contain it.
And that's why they find Westerners so weird.
'Cause we don't do that. We've got the subtlety
of golden retrievers to them.
We run around being like, that building's so big, it's
so cool, but my phone's dead.
Oh no. And they're just like,
please contain yourselves.
This is a public space.
And smiles are only for your firstborn.
Whatever the Japanese decide to do,
they instantly become one of the best in the world at it.
Because their commitment to the process is second to none.
Japanese whisky is outstanding.
And the reason it's outstanding is
because 50 to a hundred years ago, when they first,
it was less than a hundred,
but more than 50, when they first started distilling
whisky, they wanted to keep it so close
to our original process that they imported barrels
and water over from Scotland.
They didn't use Japanese water.
They flew our water over
because that's how close
to the process they wanted to keep it.
And obviously as Scottish people, one of the weirdest bits
of national pride we have is our fucking water.
It's the weirdest,
it's the Weirdest bit of national pride.'a0
Your friend comes up from Newcastle
and you go, here, here, try that.
Try it. Free, free. So it is aye, aye.
Clear as day. You fucking wanks.
The Japanese understood that. They brought our water over
to make their own whisky.
And that's why now Japan is almost surpassing Scotland when
it comes to whisky production.
And that's why me
and Kai went over to have a fucking
word. Whisky.
fucking whisky. Do you see us over there making good food?
No, you don't. Stay in your fucking lane.
Sorry. Is this yours too? I apologise. Sorry.
I thought. There's one part of Tokyo,
uh, where there are 200 whisky bars within
500 meters of each other.
And that is not an exaggeration.
Every whisky bar has a capacity of two to six people.
Each whisky bar is about five feet wide and 15 feet deep.
They're side by side, stacked, three tall.
You kind of just get your own little bar to yourself.
It's very cool.
But me and Kai didn't wanna drink whisky, just the two
of us because that's what we do on the rest of the tour.
That's what we do when we are in Hull.
No need to do it in Tokyo.
And the best way to find out about a new
place is to drink with a local.
So we walk into one, uh, whisky bar
and there's six Japanese businessmen there.
Now, I don't want to judge these men
because they were very, very kind to us.
But when we walked in, they did assume
that we were not Japanese.
I don't know how they did it. I think it was Kai's accent.
But they saw us and they
were like, oh, you're not from here.
And then they kicked out two stools
and invited us to sit with them.
They put a bottle of whisky down at the table
and they started speaking to us in their second,
maybe even third language.
Now it was broken English that they spoken in,
but it's way better than no fucking Japanese
like me and Kai spoke.
They were like, hey, how are you on these conversations?
But it kind of eventually
after five minutes, descended into a game
of whisky charades.
Like they'd point at an object, say the Japanese word
for it, and then point to us.
And then we would butcher the pronunciation of that word
and they'd go, ha ha ha ha ha ha.
And then we'd have to do a shot of whisky.
And then we'd point at the same object.
I would make Kai say the Geordie word for it, point at them.
They would butcher the pronunciation of that
and we'd go, ha ha.
And they'd have to do a shot of whisky.
And that was 25 minutes of our lives.
Now, after a bit, they wanted to go back to not having
to translate the conversation in their own head.
They start talking amongst themselves, except for one guy
who clearly wanted to practice his English
on us. What do you do?
What's your jobs? Oh, uh, we are,
uh, comedians.
Comedy, comedy, uh, jokes stand-up.
How do you, how do you mime stand up? It's like clown.
No, that, that's not gonna work.
A microphone, that doesn't look right.
Um, how do we, how do I let 'em know? We could have sex
with him without his consent?
No. Okay. Okay. Um. Couldn't work out how to do it.
Fortunately, when he was bored of our conversation,
he got his phone out and I saw on his phone he had Netflix.
And I'm on Netflix, not to brag, but to brag.
And what better way to explain to someone
what my profession is than to just show them
what my profession is.
So I take his phone, type Daniel Sloss into Netflix,
press play, hand it to him.
And at this point I discovered that there is one emotion
that the Japanese cannot suppress. One emotion
that completely trumps their stoicism.
It goes straight from their heart, right to their face.
Zero filter. Shock or surprise.
If you can catch a Japanese person off guard, it is one
of the purest emotions
that you can evoke from your fellow human beings.
And it is grade A uncut MWAH!
I take his phone, I type in Daniel Sloss,
I hand the phone
and I swear to fucking God, this is his reaction. Hubwaar!
And I know, and if I'm exaggerating that reaction,
lock me up and throw away the fucking key.
But I cannot express to you how much I am underplaying that
out of respect, man.
I have never seen a reaction.
Like it was nought to six. Hubwaar! It was so quick
and so juxtaposed to how he'd been
for the rest of the conversation.
I grabbed Kai's thigh.
And Kai was like, yeah, yeah, no, I saw it.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. No,
of course we're gonna make him do it again.
That's, that's the game now.
His friend beside him
who hadn't been privy to the conversation,
but clearly saw the exclamation mark flashing
above his friend's head, he turns around
and he's like, what's all that about?
He shows his friend the phone and his friend goes, Hubwaar!
and I'm like, oh my gosh, they all do it.
And that's enough for me. I'm white. Two's enough.
That's enough. My culture is making generalisations.
I just, and, and, and not about, man
I cannot express to you, and you as an audience,
you've been fantastic. But Hubwaar! shs all over laughter
as a reaction.
If laughter is cocaine, then Hubwaar! is fucking....
Like they passed the
phone down the line of friends
that we spent the evening with. Hubwaar!Hubwaar!Hubwaar!Hubwaar!'a0
It's like a Mexican, sorry, a Japanese wave.
Millions dead.
What the Americans did to those two cities
on those two days all those years ago
was obviously barbaric.
Would've liked to have been there though.
Just to see the reaction.
7:00 AM a cold, for now,
winter's morning.
It's a dressing down, you fucking racists.
Hubwaar! I'm not gonna go there. Now to those of you upset by
that joke, yes.
Not only are your feelings valid, I think they're correct.
I'm not gonna be one of these edge-lord comedians who's
like, oh, oh, why are you so offended?
I picked up a baby. I know what I did.
I'm very aware of every ingredient that made
that particular sht sandwich.
very difficult to swallow. But here's the thing, right?
When that horrible, unnecessary, cruel,
but silly joke crossed my mind, the first thing I said
to myself was, I have to tell that joke in Tokyo.
Right? That's gotta be the.. .fck off with your faux offence.
Like it's not a real offence. I don't respect it.
It is worse for me not to tell that joke in Tokyo.
Infinitely worse, infinitely. If I'm willing to tell
that joke everywhere else in the world,
which I clearly fucking am, I have
to be able to tell the joke there.
In fact, if that's the one audience that I don't tell it to,
then it's suspicious.
Then that's some part of my subconscious admitting
that maybe it is personal.
Maybe there's, it is some ill intent
or maliciousness that I'm going after.
It's not, it's just a joke. It's just a joke.
And if I believe from my heart that it's just a joke,
I should have the common courtesy
to say it to their fucking faces.
Now here's the thing, and pardon the pun,
but had the joke bombed,
Had had a thousand Japanese people
going, whoa, hey, what the fck? Habwaar!
No, no, no, it's not.
Had a thousand Japanese people gone, oh, what do you do?
We get what you were trying to do.
But that tragedy's just a little bit
too close to home for us.
The punchline doesn't justify it.
The setup enough that upset us. Had that happened,
I probably would've never told the joke again.
And that isn't censorship, by the way.
That's just empathy and learning.
And it's an artistic choice.
As a comedian, you get
to choose which audience you cultivate
and you get some hard decisions.
Sometimes you'll do a joke
and then a group of people afterwards will come up to you
and they'll be like, Hey, we were offended by that.
And you'll go, oh fck. I wasn't trying to offend you.
I was trying to offend them, but now you mention it,
I can understand how my use
of language maybe incorporated you's.
Maybe I'll change the language involved.
Or if it still upsets you, I'll just drop the joke.
'cause I don't wanna lose you as fans.
And then other times people go, Hey,
we were offended by that joke.
And you go, good. I hope you die.
I couldn't even believe when you were a fan of mine.
I saw you walk in. And I was like, Ugh. So
that's the best case scenario.
And neither's right, neither's wrong.
It's about what audience you want for yourself.
And I hate to play this card
'cause I hate people that play this card,
but is importantly, you know, for the context of
of this joke, when I told that joke in Tokyo,
it fucking killed it.
It fucking, I mean, there's no good way of saying this,
which is, isn't a pun, but it blew the room apart.
People lost their minds. They laughed so hard.
They were frozen in place.
It's just silhouettes
of them guffawing on the back of the comedy club.
They love they fucking, especially the Habwaar! bit.
I have never had a reaction, like it.
The first time I did the Habwaar! bit in Tokyo,
they were like, what
else do we do?
I'm not falling for that one.
I've lost too many friends to an Asian impression
And to anyone that got sensitive
through any part of that joke.
I don't mind that sensitivity.
I think that sensitivity comes from a really good place.
I just think it's applied incorrectly.
That sensitivity comes from people not wanting
to feel like we're punching down in comedy,
not wanna feel like we're politically,
people are making fun of other cultures
that can't stand up for themselves.
And I think that's an inherently good thing.
I just don't think it's your job
to be offended on somebody else's behalf.
I actually find that to be incredibly condescending.
I think there's nothing, if you wanna talk about the epitome
of white privilege,
I think it's like you're too stupid to be offended.
I'll do it. No, no. Honestly, you work.
I've got not much else on.
So you, but
again, to be anyone upset but anybody.
I-I-I-I-I like that sensitivity.
It's just another important thing for the context
of this joke that you really do have to remember is
that the, the Japanese are racist
as fck. The Japanese
are an immensely racist people.
We just don't know they're being racist
because they're doing it in a language
that we can't be bothered to learn.
And their racism is different from our racism
and that's why we don't hear about it.
Right? They're not particularly racist towards white people,
but they do say some pretty funny things about us.
I was asking my promoter in Tokyo, I was like,
what's like a stereotype you guys have about white people?
You all smell like milk.
What? I didn't even know milk had a smell.
Yeah, you wouldn't
fucking touche. You've nailed me there.
Uh, they do have racism towards people of colour.
Of course that racism exists there.
But that racism exists everywhere in the world.
But it's not their main form of racism.
Their main form of racism is against the Chinese.
The Japanese hate the Chinese.
They ffucking hate them.
And as white people, that confuses us.
Really? You guys don't see eye to eye?
Oh fck, fck no. Fck. Sorry.
No, I didn't mean like that.
I just meant like that would be like us hating the English.
Oh.
Oh, okay,
Well done on laughing at
that joke. Race material
very rarely goes down well in Scotland.
We don't like race comedy in Scotland
because we're not diverse.
And, uh, we get scared.
And, and the thing is, we're desperate to be diverse.
We're so desperate to be multicultural and liberal,
but nobody will move here because it's sht.
And that kills us.
Like we're so the opposite of the English.
We're like, open borders, come on in.
And they're like, I'd rather grow up in a crater.
I'd rather learn math off
of a bombshell than spend any time north
of that fucking border.
We're so desperate, but we just can't do it.
The non-white population of Scotland
is 5%.
5% of Scotland is non-white.
And of that 5%, two thirds were born in England.
We literally import our colour from the
country we call racist.
And that's why we get so fucking tense
because we've got this on our high horse.
Don't insult them. Maybe they'll invite the rest.
And we shouldn't have sympathy for ourselves.
It's our fault. Like, man, there's a lot of racism.
and bigotry in this country, especially
during the early waves
of immigration from middle Eastern countries.
There was a lot of bigotry in Scotland.
What do you mean they don't drink
At all?
Send them to fucking Wales then. Fck that.
But they persevered.
They came into the country and then we got drunk
and they made us food at 3:00 AM
and that changed a lot of bigots' opinions.
I am so sorry for all of the things I said yesterday.
I didn't know how important you
and your family were to our community.
I've brought my son along to apologise.
I am mortified that that was his first word
and we've made sure the second one is sorry.
Not dad, we dunno who that is.
But just while I'm here
and you've got no obligation to answer this for me
because of all the things I put you through, but I, I have
to know what is this thing I'm experiencing in my mouth?
What did you, what did you say that was?
Flavour? Fascinating?
And do you all know how to do that?
I think America's brilliant. I love America.
I always have to clarify that whenever I make fun of them.
'cause otherwise they get aggressive. But I love America.
I really do. I just wish it was the country
that they thought it was, but it's not.
It's just a mental country where their idea
of freedom is I can do this
because fck you. It's not because this thing makes sense.
What I want to do just 'cause I fucking can.
That's my freedom. It's my fucking right to do this.
But they don't have healthcare or equal voting
or any of the things that make a free
country actually a free country.
They also don't have enough education
to make them understand that joke.
They, there're just, there are things that happen there
that can't be allowed to happen
anywhere else on this planet.
Before international travel was banned.
I dunno if you saw the number of Americans trying
to sneak animals onto planes.
And I use sneak very loosely there.
They weren't just like, fucking, it's not a koala.
I'm pregnant, a pregnant 36-year-old man.
It's a rational thing.
They would brazenly bring these animals onto planes under
the guise of emotional support animals.
Now, if you've never heard of an emotional support animal,
that's because they're not real.
That's not a real thing. That's a fancy term for pet.
And your pet isn't allowed on my flight.
And if it is, it goes underneath
with the rest of the fucking luggage.
If an animal wants to travel, it'll take a boat.
We've all seen Madagascar.
Some animals are allowed on plates
and those animals are actual support animals.
Legitimate support animals. Guide dogs.
Guide dogs are obviously allowed on planes.
Of course they are. That's how you found the plane.
Like, it's not like you get up to the gate
and the dog is like, okay, this is where I leave you.
Good luck. It's been an honour.
Bad dog, bad dog, bad dog, bad dog.
No, you get to the gate, you show the dog the ticket,
he finds your seat,
you sit down together.
He describes the movie to you.
He also gets to pick it though. So it's always Air Bud
Guide
dogs are allowed on planes.
Seizure dogs are allowed on planes.
There are people out there who have a number of conditions
or ailments, which cause 'em to have seizures,
panic attacks fits any number of conditions where they sort
of lose control of their body for a bit.
And there are dogs that are trained
to recognise the early warning signs,
get up, put a paw on either side of the person's shoulder,
bury their head into the person's neck in order
to help calm them down. I assume
by whispering stuff in their ears.
Hey, hey, hey, shhhhhh.
Quit being such a fucking pssy.
You know how much I hate pssies.
I talk about it all the time. I get it, man. Flying's scary.
I know, I'm a dog. This is new
for me too, but I'mma be real with you.
There's a guide dog over there
and you're fucking embarrassing me.
Get your head in the game. 1, 2, 3. Big dog. Bark!
Guide dog,
seizure dogs, eh, undercover dogs.
Are allowed, that's the wrong word. Sorry.
Police dogs are allowed to, shut up.
I know they're just police dogs. They're not undercover.
And look, I know they're in uniform,
but I don't think that's them in disguise.
I might be an idiot, but I'm not that fucking thick.
Never been sat on a Ryanair flight just next
to a German shepherd wearing Aviators
and a fake mustache.
I have to ask, are you a dog?
Legally, you have to tell me... woof.
Guide dogs, seizure dogs, police dogs, all allowed on planes.
The sht I'm talking about is this.
One woman in America tried to get onto an airplane
with her emotional support hamster.
What does it do?
Like, what does it, how does it calm you down? Seriously?
Stress ball?
Is that turbulance? I'll be fine.
One American man didn't try, he succeeded.
He successfully got onto an airplane
with his emotional support
Peacock. Fck off and die of everything.
What does it do? What is it trained to....
How does it calm you down? How?
45,000 feet up in the air. You hit some turbulence.
Patrick, I'm scared.
Nothing reduces your anxiety.
more than 200 new pairs of eyes staring at you.
Air steward walking down every five minutes.
Sir, could you shut your fucking peacock, please?
It's bad luck to open up a peacock indoors. I'm sorry.
He's very nervous.
For some reason he seems to think that
that police officer is a dog.
I've... dunno where he got it from.
And I've done these jokes in America
and they get weirdly defensive around it.
Uh, before, uh, we were all in lockdown.
I was in LA February last year
and I was working on this joke.
And one woman couldn't contain herself. She lost her sht.
Daniel, you're being very mean-spirited.
You're being very cruel.
You've got to remember some of those people,
they're scared of flying.
I am a monster. I'm a cold dead
behind the eyes, heartless monster.
And I don't deserve to live
On this fucking planet. Horrible fucking... I couldn't give
a piping hot, wet sht
what you are scared of. That's not an excuse.
I'm scared of heights. I'm fucking petrified of heights.
You don't see me at the bottom of the Eiffel Tower
with a horse.
What do you mean he can't get up?
But we came all this way. He just wanted to see Paris.
If you want proof that most of these people, the people I'm,
I'm criticising in America, they don't need the animals
they so desperately claim to need, uh, one woman in America,
the one that tried to get on the plane
with her hamster, she was told no.
They were like, you're not getting
on a plane with a hamster.
It's gonna fall out of your pocket. It's
gonna chew through some wires.
The plane's gonna crash and we're all gonna meet Harley.
Right? Fck off. No.Does anyone know what she did?
Shoved it up her arse? She didn't.
But, uh, that's called the Reverse Ratatouille.
Just in case you were wondering.
It's a tactic I've used.
No, she, upon being told she couldn't get on the flight
with her hamster, she flushed it down the toilet.
That's not a joke. She flushed the hamster down one of the,
just the toilets in the terminal.
She flashed it down the toilet. And then she got on the
plane and while she was on the plane when she landed at the
other airport, right, the news was there, obviously.
Just they'd heard the story
and they were like, Hey murderer,
she had the fucking gall to play the victim.
I cannot believe they made me do that.
That wasn't even one of the options.
My go-to, you went for shoving it up your arse,
me personally,
yeet it over your shoulder like it's a bouquet
of flowers at a wedding.
And let's see who won a hamster today.
Now I know a lot of, you're like, oh, does that sound cruel?
It is not as cruel as wooooo! Like,
could be worse.
She flushed it down. I can't believe they
made me fucking do that.
That's what she said. I can't believe they made me do that.
The nerve, the fucking gall to be the victim.
Even in that moment, that would be like me going to Disney
in 10 years time. Buddy,
almost there. Just two more people.
Then it's us. I know you've been very patient.
I'm very proud of you. I've seen
so many other kids throw hissy fits
and tantrums, but not you.
You've been good the whole time. And we're all, huh? Yeah.
Yeah. There's a camera on this ride.
What pose do you wanna do for the camera?
You wanna strangle each other? What?
You want to pretend to strangle each other? Okay.
No, no, we can do it. Where did you get that?
Oh, from the Simpsons. Oh, okay. Okay. Yeah.
That is a kind of, I thought you'd see me and your mum.
It doesn't matter. It doesn't matter. You
and me will, I'll, I'll find out where the camera is.
I'll tap you on the shoulder. We'll pretend
to strangle each other. On? fucking good boy!
It is mum's birthday soon.
We can get all you such a good boy. Oh, here we go.
You ready? Yeah. You excited? Yeah.
Hey, man, just two, please. Thank you.
Too small.
But we waited all of this.... He's my only son.
Hey buddy. Hey, hey. You, no, no, no, don't cry.
Don't cry the man. Oh, no. The man, the man's being silly.
The man. Of course, you're allowed to go on the ride.
Of course. Yeah. You've been so, the man
is just being silly, just like mum.
Silly juice, just like mum. Yeah. Yeah.
I love you so much
and I want you to know
that you're allowed to go on this ride.
Rules be damned. My son,
you've been so good and so patient, just so you,
and I'm so proud of the man that you've...'a0
One, please.
What have I done? What kind of sick
father would did what I just did... altogether on?
Oh. Huh? What? Huh? Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Oh.
Ah,
Whee, whee, oh
my only boy, my, whee. Oh, here we go.
Camera time... ah, fck.
In hindsight, I should have entered
on ice cream for the Jews.
Glasgow, you've been a pleasure. Thank you so much.
It'92s been a fucking joy. Drive safe. I'll see you next time.
Thank you so much.
Fck fuck sht cnt, Fck fuck sht cnt
Fck fuck sht cnt, Fck fuck sht cnt
Fck fuck sht cnt, fck fuck sht cnt, motherfucking piss
Piss piss piss fucking piss piss fck
Piss piss fck
Piss piss fck
Piss piss fck
Bastard bastard bastard bastard
Piss piss bastard, piss piss bastard
Piss piss bastard, piss piss bastard
I think it was important to have a good opening joke.
You know, get them onside
remind them that I'm fucking funny.
Remind myself that I'm funny.
So maybe this is the best way to do it.
Punch this up a bit more
and then, you know,
it's a good opening joke about swearing
and why I think Scots are better at swearing than the
rest of the fucking world.
The swearing bit's largely working but
it starts off with, I've been gigging in America
and I like giggling in America.
I'm not making fun of it, but just like I, I know
what upsets Scottish people
and it's, you know, not fucking matched in America.
They get upset by things, uh, like swearing, which
to me is like saying I'm offended by 30% of words.
So I get instantly limited in the amount
of dialogue that I'm capable of.
You might as well be offended by vowels.
Can you mention that, like it's,
it, it really stifles my communication.
'cause it's like saying, uh, I get offended by emojis.
It like amplifies how I'm feeling.
Like I need them swear words to let you know, like my tone.
Oh yeah, yeah, yeah. You might
as well be offended by emojis.
Aye, good.
Uh,
I think the reason Americans don't like swearing is
because American, like,
Americans like being the best at everything
and they're the worst at
swearing 'cause it doesn't suit their accent.
And Scottish, you know, it's short vowels. Fck sht cnt.
And then it's the drum kit, but that bit works fine.
What have you got?
Have you got like, fck sht and cnt's a different thing
On there. So, So, so you
play the drum
Fck fck st. The drum kit. The
drum kit is fck, fck. Uh,
Fck fck sht fck. Fck fck sht fck. Fck fck sht fck.
Fck fck sht fck. Fck fck sht fck.
Fck fck sht sht.
Motherfcker motherfcker motherfcker piss
Pissing bastard, pissing bastard, pissing bastard, pissing bastard
Piss piss piss piss piss piss bastard.
Fck fck fck fck fck fck cnt
And then...
And I think the reason Americans don't enjoy swearing
as much is because Americans like
to be the best at everything. Greatest country in the World,
Greatest army in the world, greatest food in the world, blah blah blah.
And they are the worst swearers on the fucking planet.
They suck at it and it's because their accent doesn't suit it.
Swearing belongs in guttural accents, right.
Uh, Scottish, Irish Australian.
It has to be short, vowels, fck sht cnt
Can you see how short those swear words are?
They pepper a sentence. They never dominate it.
It's all the way through. It's very gentle.
It's like very kind.
It's more like there's a drum kit backing up
what you're saying while you're talking.
It's fck fck, fck sht cnt. Fck fck, fck sht cnt.
Fck fck, fck sht cnt.
Motheerfcker motherfcker motheerfcker piss
piss piss cnt, pissing bastard fucking cnt
Piss piss fck. Fck fucking sht
It's very musical
and it makes it easier and more rhythmic.
But the problem with the Americans
because they elongate their bubbles
because they sing everything because they're happy,
because they're stupid.
When they swear
it's like they're doing it with a flute
and listen to an American swearing like
Why don't you fck off asshle
It's not your fault that your sht swearing,
it's your accent just doesn't suit it, right.
Swearing suits very few accents. Guttural accents.
Scottish, Irish, Australian.
And as much as it pains me to admit it,
the English are quite good at swearing.
Listen to how I swear.
Fck sht cnt. That was it, that was over.
Less than half a second
and I got three of them out.
My swear words never dominate a sentence, right.
They just pepper it. They flavour it all the way through.
Swearing as a Scottish person is a lot like having a drum
kit backing up your rant.
It's just like, fck,
Fck, fck sht fck,
Fck sht fck, fck sht fck.
Motherfcker motherfcker motherfcker piss.
Pissing bastard, pissing bastard.
Sht sht fck fck cnt cnt piss.
It's very rhythmic
and just adds depth to the conversation.
But in America you don't shorten down your vowels,
you elongate them because you sing everything
because you're happy because you're stupid.
So when you swear it sounds weird, you're like,
why don't you fck off asshle.
So have you got covid material?
Have you got, have you wrote anything specific?
The only stuff I'm doing, which is it's lovely
to come down to, it's lovely to be here in the epicentre.
I feel uncomfortable doing material
about everything going on.
Great.
That's laughter!
Or is it heckles? What does
that mean, is it going well?
Did he ask a question?
Ladies and gentlemen, please make some noise
and welcome to the stage Daniel Sloss!
How you doing Brent Cross, you well?
Yep. Just as annoying when you're on stage. Just the exact same.
It's uh, it's, I tell you what, if my agent offered this gig
to me in January, she would've been fckig fired.
Swearing as a Scottish person is a lot like having a drum
kit backing up your rant
as you go along. It's just like,
fck fck fck sht fck
fck fck fck, fck sht fck.
Motherfcker motherfcker motherfcker piss.
Pissing bastard, pissing bastard
sht sht cnt cnt, sht sht cnt.
Motherfcker motherfcker motherfcker piss.
I really hope nobody's in the car with kids.
I really, I mean, I dunno if that's
I am in a car with kids, or please for the love of God
So if you're not enjoying the show,
just stick on Louis Capaldi.
I'll never know. I don't know if you're listening
to the show.
For you, this is like a podcast
and for me this is like performing in a car park.
Which, which before...
Ladies nd gentlemen, please welcome to the stage, Mr. Daniel Sloss.
Ladies nd gentlemen, please welcome to the stage, Mr. Daniel Sloss.
How you doing Glasgow?
Good. It's nice to be here. It's nice to mean that.
I've said it's nice to be here a lot in the last 18 months,
and I've rarely fucking meant it.
I dunno how your job was during pandemic,
but I bet nobody asks you to do it in a fucking car park.
I got to go to Australia earlier this year, got
to go over there, and a lot of Australians were very angry.
Very angry that I was allowed to go over.
But Australia's good. It's Melbourne.
that's the clitoris of Australia.
It's the clitoris. It's fun, but needlessly sensitive and,
and it's dangerously close to being sht.
Uh, I did a two week
quarantine in Sydney in March to get into Australia.
And when I got to Melbourne, they were like,
ha ha Sloss, heard about your little fucking quarantine.
14 days of isolation must be difficult.
Not what we've gone through here in Melbourne.
We had a three month lockdown.
Do you know how difficult that was?
Do you know where I just fucking came from?
Why didn't you go tell Oscar Pistorius
that you stubbed your fucking toe?
Honestly, Oscar, I walk into the living room
and the coffee table, it's where it always is.
It's not moved, but I just knack my little toe just off the,
and you know how the little toe's,
the worst one to hit Oscar?
You know, that's the worst one.
It's like the balls of your feet. It's the worst.
I'm there. I'm in agony. I'm on the floor.
I'm shouting on my girlfriend. You won't believe it.
She doesn't come and get me.
Can you imagine what I went through, Oscar?
Why are you crying?
The reason I like being back here doing comedy here is
because I know what upsets us, right?
I know the the minefield in Scotland, right?
Everyone is offended by something. Right?
That's the difficult thing to get across in comedy.
You have every right to be offended
by anything I say this evening.
People are allowed to be offended by jokes.
I'm just allowed not to care. Right? But I do care.
I do care. I don't wanna offend you. That's not why.
Don't think I'm here to upset you.
I'm here to make you laugh.
I need that more than you'd fucking believe.
It keeps me alive.
My job as a comedian is to find out where the line is
and then move the line
and then gaslight you into thinking that's
where the line always was.
And that I've done nothing wrong.
I'm just a victim of cancel culture. Wah!
But I promise you, I'm just here to make you laugh.
And it's fun in Scotland because I know
what upsets Scottish people and I know what doesn't.
And everyone is offended by something.
And I'm mean everyone, right?
Don't listen to these big bald gammon cnts that'll fucking
walk around lecturing you on weaker generations.
They don't make 'em like me anymore.
They don't make 'em like me.
This fucking snowflake generation offended by anything
with their fucking pronouns offended by anything.
Not me. Not a hard man like me.
My granddad was in the fucking war.
Burn the Union Jack in front of him.
Let's,
Let's see who gets offended by stupid sht.
And I don't say that to disparaging him.
He's allowed to be offended by that.
But you don't get to claim brrrr.
Everyone is offended by something, right? It's the game.
I, I love going to new places to find out what upsets them
and how to, how to play that.
Um, I like when I go to America
and I make fun of America a lot, but it is very fun to gig.
And it's just very different to here.
'cause they get offended by sht
that nobody gets offended by here.
It's the certain country I've been to where most
of the adults will be sincerely offended by swear words.
Right? And I mean more, if it's not most,
it's at least 50% adults who can vote and pay taxes
and buy guns to shoot teenagers with
are offended by swear words.
And as a Scottish person that fascinates me
to be offended by 30% of language is,
it's to set yourself up to be sad every day.
Like you might as well just leave Lego
outside your own bedroom door at that point, if that's
how easily upset you want to be every day.
Naaaargh... But it fascinates me.
Why are the Americans more offended
by swearing than anyone else in the world?
And it's because they fucking suck at it.
The Americans are so bad at swearing.
They're the worst at cursing in the entire world.
So much so they don't even call it cursing.
They call it cussing
because they're bad when it comes to hard Rs.
So they can't say cursing.
They're just, they're just not,
and not being good at something
that really goes against the American national identity,
which is despite all evidence to the contrary,
we're the best at everything.
They like being number one.
It gives them the hug that their dad never did.
Makes them feel fucking strong. They need to be good.
That's why they shout about it all the time.
Greatest country in the world, greatest president in the world,
greatest army in the world,
highest death rates in schools in the world.
They've got to have that number one position.
You gotta fucking want it
nNw.
It's not their fault that they suck at swearing. English.
swear words were never designed for the American accent.
English swear words were designed for guttural accents.
Scottish, Irish, Australian.
And as much as it pains me to admit it,
the English are quite good at swearing.
It's all about vowels.
Vowels have to be short in swear words.
It's conducive to their functionality, right?
Listen to how I swear. Fck sht, cnt.
Look at that. In less than a second
I got three of the heavy hitters out. You barely even noticed.
I'd have to do a slow mo replay of that.
And you'd be like, oh, he did
Mtherfcker, pss, wank.
You see how quickly those roll of the tongue,
my swear words never dominate a sentence.
They're never the focal point of what I'm trying to say.
They're just flavouring.
They spice up my chat. Swearing,
well, as a Scottish person, is a lot like having a drum kit
backing up your rant.
Fck, fck, fck, fck. Sht. Fck, fck. Sht. Fck.
Motherfcker, motherfcker, motherfcker.
Pss, pssing bastard, pssing bastard. Sht.
Sht. Fck cnt, cnt
Pss. It's musical
and it's rhythmic
and it just, it,
it adds a little je nest ce quoi to the conversation.
But in America,
they don't shorten down their vowels.
They elongate their vowels
because they sing everything, because they're happy.
Because they're,hmmm,
and it means when they swear it sounds fucking rancid.
Why don't you fck off asshle? Oh,
What is that?
Oh, that was him trying to offend you. Huh?
It fucking worked.
You're being a real twot.
Oh, um, it's uh, it's twt.
You cnt. It's twt.
It rhymes with hat. It rhymes with cat. Twt.
Twot, interestingly enough, not a swear word.
Not even close to a swear word. Twot is a rejected Telly
Tubby. I don't know why you are dead naming him at this
point after he became Po.
What is this?
The Americans have this very binary black
and white understanding of swearing,
like swearing is associated with anger.
So if you swear in front of a lot of Americans,
they'll assume you're raging as opposed
to just fucking talking.
Catches me off guard. I'll be sat down
with some American friends.
They say something interesting that surprises me. Fck off!
And they will,
leaving in tears to fetch their gun.
It's why the word cnt is so offensive in America,
because to them the word cnt only has one meaning. And that
one meaning is vagina.
Gross, yuck, sexist sht.'a0
They don't even know that that word can mean child.
It's such a crucial but fundamental misunderstanding
of one Of the most fluid words that we
have in our arsenal.
A tree can be a cnt if you hate it enough.
I've had cars that were
cnts. That's why I like
our swearing.
I love how creative we get with swearing in this country.
Just making sht up all the time. Words are fluid.
The word twt, right?
I love the word twt because in Scotland it's got three
separate meanings by my last count. You can have a twt.
if you're a lady, that's you. That's what that is.
It's also another name. You can be a twt.
That's a stupid or annoying person.
There's at least one backstage. It's also a verb
You can twt someone
In this country, the
sentence I twatted the twt
in the twt,
grammatically makes sense.
Like you could write that down in an English exam
and they would have to mark
it correct.
They wouldn't want to,
but they'd be bound by the laws of Shakespeare.
That is an important thing to point out, by the way,
is this show here is just jokes.
It's all it is. It's all that.
It's just, expect nothing more
and you'll get nothing less.
It's just fucking jokes
Because it's hard to talk about the fucking pandemic.
'cause it was so sht and it was so long
and we all went through the same stuff.
I got so angry at points. I got so happy at points.
You could just get fucking depressed.
I got passionate about things I never thought
I'd get fucking passionate about.
I stood outside every Thursday
like a fucking mug.
The neighbours are doing it.
I'm fixing the NHS. That's what I'm doing. I'm fixing it.
This gives them money. But it is like, it's like,
when Bono clicked his fingers and an African died.
Every time I do this,
some covid cnt just gets over
their cold. It's class.
That's what the news said.
Pissed me off watching Boris Johnson doing it though.
That did my nut in. Every Thursday, Bojo
standing outside, Number 10 being like, fucking hell.
What an impossible job. What an impossible job.
If only there was something somebody could
do to make this easier.
For every one of you lovely,
brave soldiers on the front line.
It's unbelievable what you're all going through.
Aren't they brave? Aren't they brave? I think they are.
No, honestly, you all deserve a raise.
But I just don't know the guy who does that.
And if it were up to me, which is you know,
if it were up to me, we'd find out why
the NHS was in such shambles. And you're just there
Going Motherfcker'a0
you, you did it.
You and your fucking team. The Tories
clapping the NHS would be like
Auschwitz having Ice Cream
Tuesdays.
Just
every Tuesday they open one of the gates
and they ring a bell and they go
Ice cream for ze Jews,
ice cream for ze Jews,'a0 come on Juden,
come and have a 99. We have ze flakes.
Come on. What do you mean'a0
I am being evil? I am am ze one feeding
zem.
Look how hungry ze children are.
And I'm giving zen ze ice cream.
How much he gobbles it up with the sprinklesand ze
Chocolate sauce. Ice cream for ze Jews!
We are not releasing that joke anywhere.
Look, I don't believe in comedians being canceled, right?
So, and I'll clarify that statement, right?
Regular people like you scumbags can be canceled.
Something you said 10,
15 years ago in social media when you were a different
person, you can be brought up now, held to account compared
to you now, and they can pretend that you haven't grown
as a human being and then you can be fired from your job
and lose your wife or kids or whatever.
That absolutely 100% happens.
But what happens is when comedians are canceled,
when they're canceled, it's
because a joke of theirs is taken out context.
You miss the tone of the room, you miss the setup.
You miss the punchline. You miss all
the things that make a joke,
a joke. It's taken out of context.
Even in context,
Ice cream for the Jews
isn't that great.
Like, I dunno how I defend it on Newsnight.
So Mr. Sloss, thank you very much
for coming on Newsnight in your black turtleneck sweater.
A lot of our audience at home haven't
seen your so-called comedy.
Any chance you could regale them with the punchline?
Uh oh, certainly.
Um, I would yell ice cream for ze Jews,
Uh, for 20 to 30 seconds,
depending on the audience response.
One time I got it to 45 seconds in Glasgow.
And that was, that was pretty cool.
That was, and I don't know whether it's
because they love ice cream or they,
or whether they hate the Tories.
Every one of you, every fucking one of you had your tail
tucked between your fucking legs.
Don't say Jews. Don't say Jews.
And uh, and I, I did it in an accent that started German,
but uh, for some reason ended up French.
And if I'm being honest, I think artistically, that's
because I always struggle with ze chocolate sauce.
I just think that's impossible
to not say in a French accent.
I'm not here to upset you.
I always say some pretty shtty things,
but I say them for the sake of comedy.
Always in the search of comedy.
Laughter's my favourite thing in the entire world.
I find it to be such a beautiful response,
such a joyous response.
Why do we laugh? Why do we do that?
What's the fucking point? Fortunately,
scientists have done a lot of research on laughter.
Uh, because I think cancer was getting too hard.
It just won't stop.
There's so much of it.
I might have to change my degree to Giggles
and LOLS, if that's okay.
because this is making me very sad.
Scientists have discovered that the lowest form of animal,
the lowest species that is actually capable of laughter, uh,
is a Scottish Tory.
But after that, it's after that.
No! Cheap,
lazy political point
scoring
Lazy, lazy, Lazy sht.
Bad comedian. But
the answer is rats.
Rats are capable of laughter.
Turns out, if you flip a rat onto its back
and you tickle its belly, the rat will let a
little high pitch squeaks.
Like,'a0 [squeak, squeak, squeak] and that's a rat's version of laughter.
And the scientist is just there like, I've got a degree.
Can't believe I ever wasted my life on cancer.
This is sick. Who's a tickly little rodent? [squeak, squeak, squeak]'a0
And they're fascinated by this response.
The fact that rats can laugh means it's not
exclusive to human beings.
Other creatures can laugh.
Therefore, there has to be some sort
of evolutionary reason to this process.
What is that? They deduced
that any other time a rat's on its back
and something is scratching at its belly.
That's a fucking death sentence.
That is the worst case scenario.
That is a big giant monster just
tearing out its insides and the rat's just dead.
But in this moment, what tickling actually is,
is it's a safe version of the normally dangerous thing.
It's a safe violation. Essentially.
If this was real, oh
god, no. Ah,
But it's not. So
Hee hee. And
that's the essence of laughter.
If this horrible thing was real, it would be awful.
But it's not, so giggles.
And when I read that article, I was like, that is my sense
of humour in a nutshell.
And not my good sense of humour, not the one I display
to you, but my regular everyday sense
of humour is I love saying the wrong thing to people.
I love to test the boundaries of our relationship.
Two of my closest friends in the world are gay.
Hold your applause. I know I'm a saint.
What can I say? I'm just so fg liberal.
Just so fucking woke. Two poofs doesn't bother me.
Doesn't bother me, doesn't bother me. I watch them kiss.
Doesn't bother me. It doesn't bother me.
They don't know I'm doing. It doesn't bother me.
Now, they've been gay for ages, probably their whole lives.
I've not asked. I wasn't there when they made the decision.
But for 10 years I knew them.
They weren't allowed to get married
because they lived in Australia.
And Australia didn't recognise gay marriage,
even though there was'a0 fucking heaps of it.
And about two years ago, they finally got
to send me their wedding invite
after Australia had a little plebiscite public vote
that legalised gay marriage.
I welled up when their post came in the mail, their invite.
Rhys and Kyron would like to invite you to their special day.
Ah, and I RSVP'd, no, because that's an abomination.
And that's not
in my defense,
they were meant to get married in March last year,
and then god sent a plague.
So while I'm saying is,
occasionally, not all the time,
but occasionally it does happen that I get described
as an intellectual comedian.
And let's snip that in the fucking bud.
I am not an intellectual comedian, okay?
If you find my comedy intelligent
that says more about your state of mind
than it does about mine, don't drag me down to your level.
I know what I am. And that's a rat
with a fucking microphone.
I wish I had a smart sense of humor. I don't.
I laugh at horrible sht. Like, you know those times
where something funny happens
and the laugh for you last for 30 seconds,
but the shame of laughing
stays with you for a very long time.
Couple of years ago,
somebody fell over in the middle of the street, right
on the road. They were over the age of 80.
You had a little giggle. And then two
years later, you're in the shower.
Like, oh, I don't think a good
person would've laughed at that.
She died
Last January,
I had, uh, my girlfriend moved in
because, um, well, I mean, in all honesty,
I thought we were gonna be on tour for nine months.
Can I move in?
Sure, you can, keep it clean. Love you.
We had a good start living together. It was great.
I mean, it was, we were in that like doe-eyed stage
of a relationship where, you know,
you don't see the flaws in each other
because you're too busy licking each other's genitals
and you're just happy
and you're like, oh, this will be it forever.
And we were enjoying it. Like one day,
like the idiot she is, she's like, I love you
unconditionally.
Unconditionally.
You are not my mom. Sit down.
But alright, let's play a game.
I wanna test how unconditional, unconditional is.
Now, the good thing about my girlfriend, my fiance, is
that she does, for some reason, reasons only known to her,
loves me truly for who I am on the inside.
She loves me, for me. There is one bit
of my personality that, that she doesn't like.
And it's my least favourite part about myself too.
And it's my arrogance. Sometimes, especially in recent years,
I can be very arrogant because things go well for me.
And then I get caught up in my own hype.
And I like the smell of my own sht.
And it's very unendearing.
Sometimes I try to like play up to my arrogance.
But being self-aware about your deepest flaws
and doing nothing about them doesn't make you smart.
It just makes you more of an unprogressive piece of sht.
So, but what I'm like, all right,
unconditionally, let's play a game.
Oh, I love you baby. I love you unconditionally too.
It's so good living with you for the past couple months.
It's been so good, so good that I can't bear
to spend a moment without you.
So much so that I've looked over the finances and
because things have been going so well. For me.
If you don't want to work anymore,
you don't have to work anymore.
Daddy's got it covered.
In fact, by my calculations, if you want to stay at home
and be a good little house btch,
I can make those dreams come true.
And I haven't seen her since,
but apparently she's very happy.
She, she's still there.
She didn't, she didn't react in the way I wanted,
but she didn't, well, she knows me.
She was just like, did that amuse you?
They say you can't tickle yourself,
but I just did.
And I thought that was very amusing.
How do you feel about the term house btch?
I'd rather not read into it if I'm being honest.
Well, I get the stupid point that you're trying to make.
I understand your little argument,
but to have an adult conversation with you, no,
I'm gonna keep my job because I like it.
My co-workers are fun. I worked hard to get it.
I work hard at it.
It's nice having nine hours of the day away from you,
you fucking narcissist.
But most importantly, now that we live together
and share this home, I just like being able
to help contribute to the household.
And that's fair. Of course, it's fair.
And it's one of the many, many reasons why I love her.
And she does help contribute to the household, you know,
in the same way that giving a child a smaller shopping
trolley helps you shop.
What have you got there?
Oh, Coco Pops.
Thank god I brought my little helper.
Couldn't have done it without you.
That was me in January last year.
And then in March, I became violently unemployed.
Oh boy did I become unemployed
and I didn't handle any of it well.
I didn't handle any of the lockdowns well.
It turns out all of my confidence,
all of my self-worth and all of my ego comes from the love
and approval of strangers
and to you all fcked off.
And I've never learned how to make myself feel that way.
She's got a work from home job.
She's having the time of her life. She's like, la, la, la.
Hey, hey, hey, Hey, hey.
Fill the void.
I need you to give me the love of a thousand strangers.
You're in a Zoom meeting, I'm so sorry to bother you.
I'll just go smoke some marijuana on a beanbag
that'll help my mental health.
Oh, I'm fucking worthless.'a0
And while I was in that beanbag smoking weed every day
feeling sorry for myself, she would've been well,
well within her rights to find me moping and be like,
Who's the house btch now,
motherfcker. Huh? Huh.
Oh, Coco Pops. Coco pops.
Thank god for coco pops.
But she didn't do that
because she's a better person than I am.
Right? She understands
that sometimes jokes have consequences,
whether you like them
or not, they affect someone else's confidence in themself.
She held it back. She's just like,
she's got higher levels of empathy.
That's what she's got. And that's why I believe
in the future, when women take over,
if they want to be a sexist to us, as we've been
to them for the past
couple of years,
let's meet somewhere in the middle and say four,'a0
if they wanna be as sex as us as we've been to them,
they're allowed to be. 10 years down the line.
I'm at home. Four screaming kids.
We've only got three, but I can't seem
to work out which one the friend is.
Okay, I guess we're having a sleepover. Yay.
Play some FIFA 32 with 'em.
Give them some beans on toes.
Stick 'em in bed with a bedtime story.
A couple of hours later, she comes in. Where the fck?
Where the fck have you been?
You don't call, you don't text, you don't hologram.
The future's fun. Oh,
here he is, nag, nag, nag.
The second I get in the door, straight in my bloody ear,
I don't even have my heels off my fucking feet.
Oh, you've been drinking, have you? And don't lie to me.
I can smell the Malibu on your breath.
Come on. I'm not like that. Get away from me. You stink.
Oh, come on. It's not gonna lick itself. Come on.
You are a disgrace.
Just go back to sleep. Just go back to sleep. Mummy,
Mummy's just being silly.
Mummy's just had too much silly juice.
She'll be fine in the morning. She'll be fine.
I love you all very, very much.
I go to bed in a huff.
She stumbles in 10 minutes later. I pretend to be asleep.
She starts slapping her tts off my back.
She calls that the wandering octopus.
Eventually I concede. She gets on top.
She rides me passionless for two
and a half minutes, gets hers, rolls
off, queefs, falls asleep.
I've got to go to the bathroom to finish myself off,
afterwards on the phone crying to my dad.
You won't believe what she's done. Your
Mother was the same, may she rot in
hell.
I do love it here. I love it.
I love, I'm very proud of being Scottish.
I get to travel a lot. And I love that.
And I obviously now we can't, all, I say we can't travel.
You can't travel. I can. Very talented.
We've discussed this. If I could make a recommendation
for someone for you to visit, once this is all over, eh,
put Japan to the top of your list.
Japan is such a phenomenal place.
I never, never in my life thought I'd get to go,
let alone to do comedy.
But me and Kai went out
to perform in Tokyo about two or three years ago.
And it's so different.
It's so very, very different in wonderful ways.
But it's a huge culture shock.
The main thing is, is how friendly they are.
And not like friendly like Glasgow is,
which is like, do you wanna see a back alley?
It's legit. They're legitimately friendly people.
The Japanese are so friendly,
the friendliest people I've ever met in my life.
And that's because they know what they did.
And they're sorry.
Unlike us, they're taught their own history.
They're like, yeah, we were little rascals.
fucking got 'em though.
One of the biggest differences I noticed,
at least publicly, was their sense of stoicism.
There was a real sense of not wanting to betray too much
of your emotions, at least in a public setting.
Now, I don't know if that was just a front that they put on
for Westerners, but
because I'm a westerner, it's the only front I saw.
But there was a real sense of, you keep your emotions
to yourself, you're nice, you're polite,
and even if you're going through a bad time,
that's nobody else's problem.
It's yours. You contain it.
And that's why they find Westerners so weird.
'Cause we don't do that. We've got the subtlety
of golden retrievers to them.
We run around being like, that building's so big, it's
so cool, but my phone's dead.
Oh no. And they're just like,
please contain yourselves.
This is a public space.
And smiles are only for your firstborn.
Whatever the Japanese decide to do,
they instantly become one of the best in the world at it.
Because their commitment to the process is second to none.
Japanese whisky is outstanding.
And the reason it's outstanding is
because 50 to a hundred years ago, when they first,
it was less than a hundred,
but more than 50, when they first started distilling
whisky, they wanted to keep it so close
to our original process that they imported barrels
and water over from Scotland.
They didn't use Japanese water.
They flew our water over
because that's how close
to the process they wanted to keep it.
And obviously as Scottish people, one of the weirdest bits
of national pride we have is our fucking water.
It's the weirdest,
it's the Weirdest bit of national pride.'a0
Your friend comes up from Newcastle
and you go, here, here, try that.
Try it. Free, free. So it is aye, aye.
Clear as day. You fucking wanks.
The Japanese understood that. They brought our water over
to make their own whisky.
And that's why now Japan is almost surpassing Scotland when
it comes to whisky production.
And that's why me
and Kai went over to have a fucking
word. Whisky.
fucking whisky. Do you see us over there making good food?
No, you don't. Stay in your fucking lane.
Sorry. Is this yours too? I apologise. Sorry.
I thought. There's one part of Tokyo,
uh, where there are 200 whisky bars within
500 meters of each other.
And that is not an exaggeration.
Every whisky bar has a capacity of two to six people.
Each whisky bar is about five feet wide and 15 feet deep.
They're side by side, stacked, three tall.
You kind of just get your own little bar to yourself.
It's very cool.
But me and Kai didn't wanna drink whisky, just the two
of us because that's what we do on the rest of the tour.
That's what we do when we are in Hull.
No need to do it in Tokyo.
And the best way to find out about a new
place is to drink with a local.
So we walk into one, uh, whisky bar
and there's six Japanese businessmen there.
Now, I don't want to judge these men
because they were very, very kind to us.
But when we walked in, they did assume
that we were not Japanese.
I don't know how they did it. I think it was Kai's accent.
But they saw us and they
were like, oh, you're not from here.
And then they kicked out two stools
and invited us to sit with them.
They put a bottle of whisky down at the table
and they started speaking to us in their second,
maybe even third language.
Now it was broken English that they spoken in,
but it's way better than no fucking Japanese
like me and Kai spoke.
They were like, hey, how are you on these conversations?
But it kind of eventually
after five minutes, descended into a game
of whisky charades.
Like they'd point at an object, say the Japanese word
for it, and then point to us.
And then we would butcher the pronunciation of that word
and they'd go, ha ha ha ha ha ha.
And then we'd have to do a shot of whisky.
And then we'd point at the same object.
I would make Kai say the Geordie word for it, point at them.
They would butcher the pronunciation of that
and we'd go, ha ha.
And they'd have to do a shot of whisky.
And that was 25 minutes of our lives.
Now, after a bit, they wanted to go back to not having
to translate the conversation in their own head.
They start talking amongst themselves, except for one guy
who clearly wanted to practice his English
on us. What do you do?
What's your jobs? Oh, uh, we are,
uh, comedians.
Comedy, comedy, uh, jokes stand-up.
How do you, how do you mime stand up? It's like clown.
No, that, that's not gonna work.
A microphone, that doesn't look right.
Um, how do we, how do I let 'em know? We could have sex
with him without his consent?
No. Okay. Okay. Um. Couldn't work out how to do it.
Fortunately, when he was bored of our conversation,
he got his phone out and I saw on his phone he had Netflix.
And I'm on Netflix, not to brag, but to brag.
And what better way to explain to someone
what my profession is than to just show them
what my profession is.
So I take his phone, type Daniel Sloss into Netflix,
press play, hand it to him.
And at this point I discovered that there is one emotion
that the Japanese cannot suppress. One emotion
that completely trumps their stoicism.
It goes straight from their heart, right to their face.
Zero filter. Shock or surprise.
If you can catch a Japanese person off guard, it is one
of the purest emotions
that you can evoke from your fellow human beings.
And it is grade A uncut MWAH!
I take his phone, I type in Daniel Sloss,
I hand the phone
and I swear to fucking God, this is his reaction. Hubwaar!
And I know, and if I'm exaggerating that reaction,
lock me up and throw away the fucking key.
But I cannot express to you how much I am underplaying that
out of respect, man.
I have never seen a reaction.
Like it was nought to six. Hubwaar! It was so quick
and so juxtaposed to how he'd been
for the rest of the conversation.
I grabbed Kai's thigh.
And Kai was like, yeah, yeah, no, I saw it.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. No,
of course we're gonna make him do it again.
That's, that's the game now.
His friend beside him
who hadn't been privy to the conversation,
but clearly saw the exclamation mark flashing
above his friend's head, he turns around
and he's like, what's all that about?
He shows his friend the phone and his friend goes, Hubwaar!
and I'm like, oh my gosh, they all do it.
And that's enough for me. I'm white. Two's enough.
That's enough. My culture is making generalisations.
I just, and, and, and not about, man
I cannot express to you, and you as an audience,
you've been fantastic. But Hubwaar! shs all over laughter
as a reaction.
If laughter is cocaine, then Hubwaar! is fucking....
Like they passed the
phone down the line of friends
that we spent the evening with. Hubwaar!Hubwaar!Hubwaar!Hubwaar!'a0
It's like a Mexican, sorry, a Japanese wave.
Millions dead.
What the Americans did to those two cities
on those two days all those years ago
was obviously barbaric.
Would've liked to have been there though.
Just to see the reaction.
7:00 AM a cold, for now,
winter's morning.
It's a dressing down, you fucking racists.
Hubwaar! I'm not gonna go there. Now to those of you upset by
that joke, yes.
Not only are your feelings valid, I think they're correct.
I'm not gonna be one of these edge-lord comedians who's
like, oh, oh, why are you so offended?
I picked up a baby. I know what I did.
I'm very aware of every ingredient that made
that particular sht sandwich.
very difficult to swallow. But here's the thing, right?
When that horrible, unnecessary, cruel,
but silly joke crossed my mind, the first thing I said
to myself was, I have to tell that joke in Tokyo.
Right? That's gotta be the.. .fck off with your faux offence.
Like it's not a real offence. I don't respect it.
It is worse for me not to tell that joke in Tokyo.
Infinitely worse, infinitely. If I'm willing to tell
that joke everywhere else in the world,
which I clearly fucking am, I have
to be able to tell the joke there.
In fact, if that's the one audience that I don't tell it to,
then it's suspicious.
Then that's some part of my subconscious admitting
that maybe it is personal.
Maybe there's, it is some ill intent
or maliciousness that I'm going after.
It's not, it's just a joke. It's just a joke.
And if I believe from my heart that it's just a joke,
I should have the common courtesy
to say it to their fucking faces.
Now here's the thing, and pardon the pun,
but had the joke bombed,
Had had a thousand Japanese people
going, whoa, hey, what the fck? Habwaar!
No, no, no, it's not.
Had a thousand Japanese people gone, oh, what do you do?
We get what you were trying to do.
But that tragedy's just a little bit
too close to home for us.
The punchline doesn't justify it.
The setup enough that upset us. Had that happened,
I probably would've never told the joke again.
And that isn't censorship, by the way.
That's just empathy and learning.
And it's an artistic choice.
As a comedian, you get
to choose which audience you cultivate
and you get some hard decisions.
Sometimes you'll do a joke
and then a group of people afterwards will come up to you
and they'll be like, Hey, we were offended by that.
And you'll go, oh fck. I wasn't trying to offend you.
I was trying to offend them, but now you mention it,
I can understand how my use
of language maybe incorporated you's.
Maybe I'll change the language involved.
Or if it still upsets you, I'll just drop the joke.
'cause I don't wanna lose you as fans.
And then other times people go, Hey,
we were offended by that joke.
And you go, good. I hope you die.
I couldn't even believe when you were a fan of mine.
I saw you walk in. And I was like, Ugh. So
that's the best case scenario.
And neither's right, neither's wrong.
It's about what audience you want for yourself.
And I hate to play this card
'cause I hate people that play this card,
but is importantly, you know, for the context of
of this joke, when I told that joke in Tokyo,
it fucking killed it.
It fucking, I mean, there's no good way of saying this,
which is, isn't a pun, but it blew the room apart.
People lost their minds. They laughed so hard.
They were frozen in place.
It's just silhouettes
of them guffawing on the back of the comedy club.
They love they fucking, especially the Habwaar! bit.
I have never had a reaction, like it.
The first time I did the Habwaar! bit in Tokyo,
they were like, what
else do we do?
I'm not falling for that one.
I've lost too many friends to an Asian impression
And to anyone that got sensitive
through any part of that joke.
I don't mind that sensitivity.
I think that sensitivity comes from a really good place.
I just think it's applied incorrectly.
That sensitivity comes from people not wanting
to feel like we're punching down in comedy,
not wanna feel like we're politically,
people are making fun of other cultures
that can't stand up for themselves.
And I think that's an inherently good thing.
I just don't think it's your job
to be offended on somebody else's behalf.
I actually find that to be incredibly condescending.
I think there's nothing, if you wanna talk about the epitome
of white privilege,
I think it's like you're too stupid to be offended.
I'll do it. No, no. Honestly, you work.
I've got not much else on.
So you, but
again, to be anyone upset but anybody.
I-I-I-I-I like that sensitivity.
It's just another important thing for the context
of this joke that you really do have to remember is
that the, the Japanese are racist
as fck. The Japanese
are an immensely racist people.
We just don't know they're being racist
because they're doing it in a language
that we can't be bothered to learn.
And their racism is different from our racism
and that's why we don't hear about it.
Right? They're not particularly racist towards white people,
but they do say some pretty funny things about us.
I was asking my promoter in Tokyo, I was like,
what's like a stereotype you guys have about white people?
You all smell like milk.
What? I didn't even know milk had a smell.
Yeah, you wouldn't
fucking touche. You've nailed me there.
Uh, they do have racism towards people of colour.
Of course that racism exists there.
But that racism exists everywhere in the world.
But it's not their main form of racism.
Their main form of racism is against the Chinese.
The Japanese hate the Chinese.
They ffucking hate them.
And as white people, that confuses us.
Really? You guys don't see eye to eye?
Oh fck, fck no. Fck. Sorry.
No, I didn't mean like that.
I just meant like that would be like us hating the English.
Oh.
Oh, okay,
Well done on laughing at
that joke. Race material
very rarely goes down well in Scotland.
We don't like race comedy in Scotland
because we're not diverse.
And, uh, we get scared.
And, and the thing is, we're desperate to be diverse.
We're so desperate to be multicultural and liberal,
but nobody will move here because it's sht.
And that kills us.
Like we're so the opposite of the English.
We're like, open borders, come on in.
And they're like, I'd rather grow up in a crater.
I'd rather learn math off
of a bombshell than spend any time north
of that fucking border.
We're so desperate, but we just can't do it.
The non-white population of Scotland
is 5%.
5% of Scotland is non-white.
And of that 5%, two thirds were born in England.
We literally import our colour from the
country we call racist.
And that's why we get so fucking tense
because we've got this on our high horse.
Don't insult them. Maybe they'll invite the rest.
And we shouldn't have sympathy for ourselves.
It's our fault. Like, man, there's a lot of racism.
and bigotry in this country, especially
during the early waves
of immigration from middle Eastern countries.
There was a lot of bigotry in Scotland.
What do you mean they don't drink
At all?
Send them to fucking Wales then. Fck that.
But they persevered.
They came into the country and then we got drunk
and they made us food at 3:00 AM
and that changed a lot of bigots' opinions.
I am so sorry for all of the things I said yesterday.
I didn't know how important you
and your family were to our community.
I've brought my son along to apologise.
I am mortified that that was his first word
and we've made sure the second one is sorry.
Not dad, we dunno who that is.
But just while I'm here
and you've got no obligation to answer this for me
because of all the things I put you through, but I, I have
to know what is this thing I'm experiencing in my mouth?
What did you, what did you say that was?
Flavour? Fascinating?
And do you all know how to do that?
I think America's brilliant. I love America.
I always have to clarify that whenever I make fun of them.
'cause otherwise they get aggressive. But I love America.
I really do. I just wish it was the country
that they thought it was, but it's not.
It's just a mental country where their idea
of freedom is I can do this
because fck you. It's not because this thing makes sense.
What I want to do just 'cause I fucking can.
That's my freedom. It's my fucking right to do this.
But they don't have healthcare or equal voting
or any of the things that make a free
country actually a free country.
They also don't have enough education
to make them understand that joke.
They, there're just, there are things that happen there
that can't be allowed to happen
anywhere else on this planet.
Before international travel was banned.
I dunno if you saw the number of Americans trying
to sneak animals onto planes.
And I use sneak very loosely there.
They weren't just like, fucking, it's not a koala.
I'm pregnant, a pregnant 36-year-old man.
It's a rational thing.
They would brazenly bring these animals onto planes under
the guise of emotional support animals.
Now, if you've never heard of an emotional support animal,
that's because they're not real.
That's not a real thing. That's a fancy term for pet.
And your pet isn't allowed on my flight.
And if it is, it goes underneath
with the rest of the fucking luggage.
If an animal wants to travel, it'll take a boat.
We've all seen Madagascar.
Some animals are allowed on plates
and those animals are actual support animals.
Legitimate support animals. Guide dogs.
Guide dogs are obviously allowed on planes.
Of course they are. That's how you found the plane.
Like, it's not like you get up to the gate
and the dog is like, okay, this is where I leave you.
Good luck. It's been an honour.
Bad dog, bad dog, bad dog, bad dog.
No, you get to the gate, you show the dog the ticket,
he finds your seat,
you sit down together.
He describes the movie to you.
He also gets to pick it though. So it's always Air Bud
Guide
dogs are allowed on planes.
Seizure dogs are allowed on planes.
There are people out there who have a number of conditions
or ailments, which cause 'em to have seizures,
panic attacks fits any number of conditions where they sort
of lose control of their body for a bit.
And there are dogs that are trained
to recognise the early warning signs,
get up, put a paw on either side of the person's shoulder,
bury their head into the person's neck in order
to help calm them down. I assume
by whispering stuff in their ears.
Hey, hey, hey, shhhhhh.
Quit being such a fucking pssy.
You know how much I hate pssies.
I talk about it all the time. I get it, man. Flying's scary.
I know, I'm a dog. This is new
for me too, but I'mma be real with you.
There's a guide dog over there
and you're fucking embarrassing me.
Get your head in the game. 1, 2, 3. Big dog. Bark!
Guide dog,
seizure dogs, eh, undercover dogs.
Are allowed, that's the wrong word. Sorry.
Police dogs are allowed to, shut up.
I know they're just police dogs. They're not undercover.
And look, I know they're in uniform,
but I don't think that's them in disguise.
I might be an idiot, but I'm not that fucking thick.
Never been sat on a Ryanair flight just next
to a German shepherd wearing Aviators
and a fake mustache.
I have to ask, are you a dog?
Legally, you have to tell me... woof.
Guide dogs, seizure dogs, police dogs, all allowed on planes.
The sht I'm talking about is this.
One woman in America tried to get onto an airplane
with her emotional support hamster.
What does it do?
Like, what does it, how does it calm you down? Seriously?
Stress ball?
Is that turbulance? I'll be fine.
One American man didn't try, he succeeded.
He successfully got onto an airplane
with his emotional support
Peacock. Fck off and die of everything.
What does it do? What is it trained to....
How does it calm you down? How?
45,000 feet up in the air. You hit some turbulence.
Patrick, I'm scared.
Nothing reduces your anxiety.
more than 200 new pairs of eyes staring at you.
Air steward walking down every five minutes.
Sir, could you shut your fucking peacock, please?
It's bad luck to open up a peacock indoors. I'm sorry.
He's very nervous.
For some reason he seems to think that
that police officer is a dog.
I've... dunno where he got it from.
And I've done these jokes in America
and they get weirdly defensive around it.
Uh, before, uh, we were all in lockdown.
I was in LA February last year
and I was working on this joke.
And one woman couldn't contain herself. She lost her sht.
Daniel, you're being very mean-spirited.
You're being very cruel.
You've got to remember some of those people,
they're scared of flying.
I am a monster. I'm a cold dead
behind the eyes, heartless monster.
And I don't deserve to live
On this fucking planet. Horrible fucking... I couldn't give
a piping hot, wet sht
what you are scared of. That's not an excuse.
I'm scared of heights. I'm fucking petrified of heights.
You don't see me at the bottom of the Eiffel Tower
with a horse.
What do you mean he can't get up?
But we came all this way. He just wanted to see Paris.
If you want proof that most of these people, the people I'm,
I'm criticising in America, they don't need the animals
they so desperately claim to need, uh, one woman in America,
the one that tried to get on the plane
with her hamster, she was told no.
They were like, you're not getting
on a plane with a hamster.
It's gonna fall out of your pocket. It's
gonna chew through some wires.
The plane's gonna crash and we're all gonna meet Harley.
Right? Fck off. No.Does anyone know what she did?
Shoved it up her arse? She didn't.
But, uh, that's called the Reverse Ratatouille.
Just in case you were wondering.
It's a tactic I've used.
No, she, upon being told she couldn't get on the flight
with her hamster, she flushed it down the toilet.
That's not a joke. She flushed the hamster down one of the,
just the toilets in the terminal.
She flashed it down the toilet. And then she got on the
plane and while she was on the plane when she landed at the
other airport, right, the news was there, obviously.
Just they'd heard the story
and they were like, Hey murderer,
she had the fucking gall to play the victim.
I cannot believe they made me do that.
That wasn't even one of the options.
My go-to, you went for shoving it up your arse,
me personally,
yeet it over your shoulder like it's a bouquet
of flowers at a wedding.
And let's see who won a hamster today.
Now I know a lot of, you're like, oh, does that sound cruel?
It is not as cruel as wooooo! Like,
could be worse.
She flushed it down. I can't believe they
made me fucking do that.
That's what she said. I can't believe they made me do that.
The nerve, the fucking gall to be the victim.
Even in that moment, that would be like me going to Disney
in 10 years time. Buddy,
almost there. Just two more people.
Then it's us. I know you've been very patient.
I'm very proud of you. I've seen
so many other kids throw hissy fits
and tantrums, but not you.
You've been good the whole time. And we're all, huh? Yeah.
Yeah. There's a camera on this ride.
What pose do you wanna do for the camera?
You wanna strangle each other? What?
You want to pretend to strangle each other? Okay.
No, no, we can do it. Where did you get that?
Oh, from the Simpsons. Oh, okay. Okay. Yeah.
That is a kind of, I thought you'd see me and your mum.
It doesn't matter. It doesn't matter. You
and me will, I'll, I'll find out where the camera is.
I'll tap you on the shoulder. We'll pretend
to strangle each other. On? fucking good boy!
It is mum's birthday soon.
We can get all you such a good boy. Oh, here we go.
You ready? Yeah. You excited? Yeah.
Hey, man, just two, please. Thank you.
Too small.
But we waited all of this.... He's my only son.
Hey buddy. Hey, hey. You, no, no, no, don't cry.
Don't cry the man. Oh, no. The man, the man's being silly.
The man. Of course, you're allowed to go on the ride.
Of course. Yeah. You've been so, the man
is just being silly, just like mum.
Silly juice, just like mum. Yeah. Yeah.
I love you so much
and I want you to know
that you're allowed to go on this ride.
Rules be damned. My son,
you've been so good and so patient, just so you,
and I'm so proud of the man that you've...'a0
One, please.
What have I done? What kind of sick
father would did what I just did... altogether on?
Oh. Huh? What? Huh? Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Oh.
Ah,
Whee, whee, oh
my only boy, my, whee. Oh, here we go.
Camera time... ah, fck.
In hindsight, I should have entered
on ice cream for the Jews.
Glasgow, you've been a pleasure. Thank you so much.
It'92s been a fucking joy. Drive safe. I'll see you next time.
Thank you so much.
Fck fuck sht cnt, Fck fuck sht cnt
Fck fuck sht cnt, Fck fuck sht cnt
Fck fuck sht cnt, fck fuck sht cnt, motherfucking piss
Piss piss piss fucking piss piss fck
Piss piss fck
Piss piss fck
Piss piss fck
Bastard bastard bastard bastard
Piss piss bastard, piss piss bastard
Piss piss bastard, piss piss bastard
I think it was important to have a good opening joke.
You know, get them onside
remind them that I'm fucking funny.
Remind myself that I'm funny.
So maybe this is the best way to do it.
Punch this up a bit more
and then, you know,
it's a good opening joke about swearing
and why I think Scots are better at swearing than the
rest of the fucking world.
The swearing bit's largely working but
it starts off with, I've been gigging in America
and I like giggling in America.
I'm not making fun of it, but just like I, I know
what upsets Scottish people
and it's, you know, not fucking matched in America.
They get upset by things, uh, like swearing, which
to me is like saying I'm offended by 30% of words.
So I get instantly limited in the amount
of dialogue that I'm capable of.
You might as well be offended by vowels.
Can you mention that, like it's,
it, it really stifles my communication.
'cause it's like saying, uh, I get offended by emojis.
It like amplifies how I'm feeling.
Like I need them swear words to let you know, like my tone.
Oh yeah, yeah, yeah. You might
as well be offended by emojis.
Aye, good.
Uh,
I think the reason Americans don't like swearing is
because American, like,
Americans like being the best at everything
and they're the worst at
swearing 'cause it doesn't suit their accent.
And Scottish, you know, it's short vowels. Fck sht cnt.
And then it's the drum kit, but that bit works fine.
What have you got?
Have you got like, fck sht and cnt's a different thing
On there. So, So, so you
play the drum
Fck fck st. The drum kit. The
drum kit is fck, fck. Uh,
Fck fck sht fck. Fck fck sht fck. Fck fck sht fck.
Fck fck sht fck. Fck fck sht fck.
Fck fck sht sht.
Motherfcker motherfcker motherfcker piss
Pissing bastard, pissing bastard, pissing bastard, pissing bastard
Piss piss piss piss piss piss bastard.
Fck fck fck fck fck fck cnt
And then...
And I think the reason Americans don't enjoy swearing
as much is because Americans like
to be the best at everything. Greatest country in the World,
Greatest army in the world, greatest food in the world, blah blah blah.
And they are the worst swearers on the fucking planet.
They suck at it and it's because their accent doesn't suit it.
Swearing belongs in guttural accents, right.
Uh, Scottish, Irish Australian.
It has to be short, vowels, fck sht cnt
Can you see how short those swear words are?
They pepper a sentence. They never dominate it.
It's all the way through. It's very gentle.
It's like very kind.
It's more like there's a drum kit backing up
what you're saying while you're talking.
It's fck fck, fck sht cnt. Fck fck, fck sht cnt.
Fck fck, fck sht cnt.
Motheerfcker motherfcker motheerfcker piss
piss piss cnt, pissing bastard fucking cnt
Piss piss fck. Fck fucking sht
It's very musical
and it makes it easier and more rhythmic.
But the problem with the Americans
because they elongate their bubbles
because they sing everything because they're happy,
because they're stupid.
When they swear
it's like they're doing it with a flute
and listen to an American swearing like
Why don't you fck off asshle
It's not your fault that your sht swearing,
it's your accent just doesn't suit it, right.
Swearing suits very few accents. Guttural accents.
Scottish, Irish, Australian.
And as much as it pains me to admit it,
the English are quite good at swearing.
Listen to how I swear.
Fck sht cnt. That was it, that was over.
Less than half a second
and I got three of them out.
My swear words never dominate a sentence, right.
They just pepper it. They flavour it all the way through.
Swearing as a Scottish person is a lot like having a drum
kit backing up your rant.
It's just like, fck,
Fck, fck sht fck,
Fck sht fck, fck sht fck.
Motherfcker motherfcker motherfcker piss.
Pissing bastard, pissing bastard.
Sht sht fck fck cnt cnt piss.
It's very rhythmic
and just adds depth to the conversation.
But in America you don't shorten down your vowels,
you elongate them because you sing everything
because you're happy because you're stupid.
So when you swear it sounds weird, you're like,
why don't you fck off asshle.
So have you got covid material?
Have you got, have you wrote anything specific?
The only stuff I'm doing, which is it's lovely
to come down to, it's lovely to be here in the epicentre.
I feel uncomfortable doing material
about everything going on.
Great.
That's laughter!
Or is it heckles? What does
that mean, is it going well?
Did he ask a question?
Ladies and gentlemen, please make some noise
and welcome to the stage Daniel Sloss!
How you doing Brent Cross, you well?
Yep. Just as annoying when you're on stage. Just the exact same.
It's uh, it's, I tell you what, if my agent offered this gig
to me in January, she would've been fckig fired.
Swearing as a Scottish person is a lot like having a drum
kit backing up your rant
as you go along. It's just like,
fck fck fck sht fck
fck fck fck, fck sht fck.
Motherfcker motherfcker motherfcker piss.
Pissing bastard, pissing bastard
sht sht cnt cnt, sht sht cnt.
Motherfcker motherfcker motherfcker piss.
I really hope nobody's in the car with kids.
I really, I mean, I dunno if that's
I am in a car with kids, or please for the love of God
So if you're not enjoying the show,
just stick on Louis Capaldi.
I'll never know. I don't know if you're listening
to the show.
For you, this is like a podcast
and for me this is like performing in a car park.
Which, which before...