Dashcam (2021) Movie Script
1
[whooshing]
[muffled bump]
[low creaking]
[traffic hums]
[siren wails]
[siren continues wailing]
[brakes squeal]
[siren continues wailing]
WOMAN: [sighs]
Another day in paradise.
Omigod, I found him.
There he is.
This guy's been doing this
every day since lockdown began.
[she whispers] He's coming.
[barking in distance]
[she whispers] Ha! Here he is.
Majestic.
See, this is what happens
when they put us on house arrest
for a crime we didn't commit.
People start going apeshit.
Exhibit A right here.
[clattering]
Where's your mask?!
And where is your mask?
Hi, I'm Annie Hardy
and you're watching Band Car,
the internet's number 1
live improvised music show
broadcast...
[drumbeats start]
...from a moving vehicle.
Here's how it works.
[funky bass beats]
You write in one word
in uppercase letters.
I'm making a beat
I'm gonna improvise a song
and work in your word
and before too long...
...we will have made
a collaboration.
[beats continue under]
I don't know, why not?
Something tells me
you're not up to much.
Yes, lockdown, getting it on.
Having to fuck your own Dad.
Come on, that's rough.
But we do what we must.
If you can't be free you must...
...commit the sin of incest.
It's not the worst
but it's not the best.
I don't really know -
do what you want.
I don't judge, I'm objective
as motherfuckin' fuck.
Yeah, nice bike...
...man.
[instrumental continues under]
[she sighs]
"Ring, ring," I'm
calling 'em up.
"What you up to today,
you dumb fuck?
"Staying inside,
hashtag stayin' safe?
"Man, you can suck my queef."
Is it safe to be so lonely?
Everybody's trying
to kill they-selves.
This place is like
a living hell.
For something
with a 99.6 recovery rate.
Raae--
Meh.
I gotta get outta here.
[music ends]
Oh, shit on my face.
Gosh, darn it!
[clattering]
Fuck, fucking, fuck-ass.
I'mma kill someone. Damn it.
[rummaging]
Gotta bring this.
This one?
[softly] I see you.
I told her that I was leaving
two nights ago
and she proceeded to
immediately urinate on my pants.
I wasn't wearing them.
They were on the ground.
It's OK, Goostein.
[Goostein mews]
- I'm feral too, I understand.
[rummaging]
It is one of the hardest things
for me to do...
...to leave this little cat.
Otherwise who cares?
This place is a shithole.
Angels, if I'm
forgetting something,
tell me now or forever
hold your peace, please.
Mm.
And we're off...
...to see the world.
Welcome to the ghost town.
I never seen LAX
like this before.
Gate 135 boarding,
ghosts only to the ghost plane.
This shit is nuts.
Check out "future me" over here.
[woman coughs]
Don't sound so good either.
[woman coughs]
I got this hat clip thing
at Duty Free.
"And they all wondered
why she got...
"...brain cancer."
ANNIE: Hello.
ATTENDANT: Hello, how are you?
ANNIE: I'm good.
ATTENDANT: 58K, straight
over there, on the right.
ANNIE: Thank you!
[jet engine roars]
- And we're off.
[muffled voice over p.a.]
[plays haunting tune]
ANNIE: [sings] We're still
rolling after all these years.
It's Annie Hardy,
I've cried a million tears
Here I am to cry again
In England,
at the house my friend.
Here we are rolling up
to El Stretcho's house.
This is it.
Hopefully, nothing's
changed too much.
"All lives won't
matter until..."
Brother.
Yes!
[keys jangle]
I knew Stretch would not let
me down by changing ever.
[clears throat]
Fucking British keys, man.
Pretty gay.
And I mean that
in the 1990s way.
I'm gonna drop trou here.
[door slams]
[door creaks]
Mm.
Oh.
[she whispers] Stretch has
a photograph to commemorate
the first time he got crabs.
Oh, what's going on in there?
I recognise that nose
and all that cum swilling
out of his mouth anywhere.
There's good old Stretch
back in the day...
...my nice, sweet little friend.
Yeah, there is
someone behind me.
It's your dad who just pulled
his micro penis out of my ass.
[she whispers] It's Stretch.
I'm gonna do what I used to do.
We used to do this
to each other on tour.
It's called the
Silverlake Handshake.
It's pretty cool.
[she hoiks phlegm]
[she slaps sharply]
[Stretch & a woman shriek]
[Stretch yells, woman shrieks]
WOMAN: Fuck off! Fuck off!
[crashing]
[thudding]
ANNIE: Hey, hey! Fuck!
[crashing, thudding]
STRETCH: Gemma,
it's OK, it's OK.
ANNIE: Shit on my dick!
We're here on my first morning
at Stretch's house.
Let's see what have
they to eat for me.
[sniffs] Smells
like health food!
What in the mother-F are these?
You know, Stretch used to
love a nice cheeseburger.
I don't know...
...what went wrong, huh.
Hello!
Good morning.
Morning.
GEMMA: Would you like a coffee?
ANNIE: I would love one,
thank you.
Just...
...rub it together.
ANNIE: Got it.
One of my viewers
says that you're hot.
Oh!
Thanks.
This other guy says that he
wants you to take your tits out
and he's pretty
adamant about it.
How do you respond to this
display of toxic masculinity?
Sorry, do you wanna--
I just wanna keep social
distancing, thanks.
If you sanitise
[distorted echo]
Because you believe the lies
That the mainstream media guys
tell you.
ANNIE: Viral Stretch!
- Yo.
ANNIE: Hey!
- What are you doing here?
I am just running away from the
fucking madness of America, bro.
What is this - you vlogging?
We got Annie Hardy back
in the house
[distorted echo]
What is this fucking beard,
this chomo beard.
[both whisper]
STRETCH: Annie, check it out.
Oh, look at me!
GEMMA: Oh, is this you?
That is me from back
back in the day.
STRETCH: Remember this?
ANNIE: 2010.
GEMMA: Tell me.
I want to hear stories.
ANNIE: He was crazed back then.
We call him Stretch.
And I think he's always thought
that it's just because he's
really tall.
That is exactly why it is.
- But that's not why.
STRETCH: What?
You know, nightly after shows,
he would find a groupie
from the crowd, select her,
cast his wizardry spell on her
and bring her backstage
where he would take
two fingers and stretch
her butthole apart...
GEMMA: Oh!
- That is not true.
...and insert a backstage
fruit or vegetable.
That is not true.
Yes, it is so.
- No, no, it's not.
That's-- I'm called
"Stretch" because I'm tall.
Could I have some sugar?
I'm called "Stretch"
because I'm tall.
ANNIE: To me,
it sounds like you're ashamed
and I think that's a bad, bad
thing to hold in your body.
Let's get rid of it!
Let's do
a shame-expelling exercise.
- I'm not ashamed.
What we gotta do here
is stamp our right feet...
...and make a sound!
GEMMA: Yeah, come on, Amar.
[howls]
GEMMA: Come on, babe.
- You guys do it.
[Gemma howls]
ANNIE: Come on, Stretch!
[all hoot & howl]
You got Stretch in the car with
my main girl Annie Haaarr....
D...icks is all I wanna... it.
"Eat" I meant to say.
Looking round for a butt buffet.
I love food.
I love eating food.
Whether it's hot or it's cold,
I'm in the mood.
Gonna get some right
up in his boot,
right in the undercarriage,
you know that looks cute.
I got stuff in my ass,
that's true it's not grass -
it's fruit.
I got a butt buffet.
He's got a butt buffet,
like, every day.
He's got two apples
and a motherfucking grape.
Can I get maybe one orange?
All I wanna know...
...what rhymes with orange?
Every single day
I got a butt buffet...
...in my ass.
- He's got a butt buffet.
MAN: Order number 2,
veggie all-day breakfast.
STRETCH: Number 2, yeah.
ANNIE: Number two! [chuckles]
That's me.
ANNIE: Stretch, completely
winning at life.
Times are tough
but Stretch is a survivor.
Got him a job as a
delivery driver.
Suck your dick for a fiver.
He'll do it for free.
That's pro bono.
- Shut up.
I brought you a gift, Stretch,
from my homeland.
It's an orgonite Pyramid.
It's got crystals inside of it.
It'll help you so that
your erectile dysfunction
won't flare up so much.
Thank you, essential worker.
[knocks on door]
- Lord bless the man's food.
MAN: No, don't touch the food.
- Step back.
STRETCH: He said I
was gonna be fine.
They furloughed me for
a month so, you know,
we were just chill.
And then they just kept
stringing us along
and they weren't really telling
anybody what was going on.
I don't know, I thought--
- [she laughs]
MAN: Track 'n Trace.
ANNIE: What's Track 'n Trace?
STRETCH: You've gotta
sign in with an app.
They make you sign in?
This is insane!
Can you just, um...if you could
just put on the mask, please--
Oh, I'm wearing a mask.
It's a new fibre technology
where you can't actually see it.
It's good.
- OK, yeah.
But trust that I'm wearing one.
Yeah, no, I do need you
to put on a mask though.
Come again. I can't
understand you, the muffled
sound of your mask.
I'm saying if...
I'm saying if you're in here...
Oh, hypocrite!
- ...you need to put a mask on.
STRETCH: Mask on cos
this is my job.
I cannot put the mask on because
it's my job to tell the truth
that this is a scam.
- Can you turn that
phone off, please.
[ shouts] Do you know anyone
who's died of Covic?
- Answer me and I'll leave!
MAN: Get her out of the shop.
STRETCH: I'm so sorry.
MAN: Just get her out of here.
You guys need
to fucking wake the fuck up.
MAN: Don't touch anything!
STRETCH: Put your mask on.
His nose is out, so
how's that work?
I told you to get out the shop,
so get out the fucking shop!
MAN: Get out! Get out!
STRETCH: Annie.
Get out the fucking--
STRETCH: Annie, just stop.
It's fucking hectic.
Get the fuck out the shop!
STRETCH: Sorry, mate.
Annie, please!
- Seriously! Get her out.
Listen, Annie--
- Fuck you!
Get this fucking crazy bitch
out of my shop.
I'm sorry.
- Annie, just fuck off.
I'm so sorry, mate.
ANNIE: In both cultures.
Annie, go on, behave.
Don't do that.
ANNIE: America, England,
America, England.
STRETCH: Sorry, mate. Annie!
- Rounding them up for
the camps.
Annie, just wait in
the fucking car.
Fuckin' idiot.
[door slams]
ANNIE: Stretch, come on.
That guy was a fuckin' asshole.
Stretch...
Maybe your feminazi girlfriend
will be happy to see me.
[loud thud, Annie groans]
- Not coming in
this fucking house!
You'll risk our fucking safety!
Get her the fuck out
of this house, Amar!
[Gemma and Stretch whisper]
[she whispers] They're
deciding my fate in there.
Well, will I be executed
for owning a red hat?
Or will I be allowed to live?
Find out on the
stunning conclusion
of "This is Fucking Bullshit".
Thank you very much.
I'm outta here.
See you fucking libtards later.
[car alarm chirps]
[drumbeats play] Yo!
MAGA, Stretch,
you fucking libtard bitch.
Big-ass nose and
the legs of a chick.
In, my friend, you
are not, it in...
...to tonight -
do the bitch right -
plus you won't forgive me
for stealing the car, aite.
May have made a mistake,
but probably not.
My biggest mistake was
thinking that you didn't suck.
No one understands
me, no one could.
I got the brain of a genius,
you got the brain of wood.
[zippy arpeggios]
[beats play under] You can't
cancel me, I don't exist
You's a fucking
group-think bitch
Hive-minded as the day is long
And your girlfriend fucks you
with a nine-inch dong.
Yo, that's--
[phone ringtone] Hey, Amar
Pick up the phone
It's me, Gemma
I know you're alone
Thanks for making
this beat for me
So I can call you
and tell you what--
ANNIE: Hello!
STRETCH:
Annie, where the fuck are you?
Bring my car back right now,
you fucking psycho.
Bitch I don't have your car.
I don't know what you're
talking about.
Bring my car back right now
or I am gonna call--
GEMMA: I am gonna take
all of your things
and I'm gonna empty it out
in the street.
STRETCH:
Don't smoke in my fucking car!
GEMMA: We're gonna call
the police on you!
STRETCH: I'll throw all your
shit out on the street if you
don't come back.
Biatch!
[phone chimes]
Oh, Stretch, buddy, looks like
someone wants you to deliver
them some food.
Well, I'm hungry too.
Should we take it or what?
You think?
"Accept" and then
it's confirmed.
Don't worry, man. I would
never put your job in peril.
This looks to be it.
The Beano Cafe.
There better be-no problems
with my order today.
You know, sometimes I think
you're the only ones who
understand me.
Then I realise you guys don't
quite understand me either.
But most of you guys...
[walk signal beeps]
- ...are at least nice to me.
I don't need nobody else.
My Band Car-holics tonight
are the only ones
who matter in this world.
Alright.
[door shuts]
Hello?
Is anyone here?
Hello!
I'm picking up an order.
Oh, there's
no-fucking-body here, man.
What shall I do?
Those look a little past due.
What'd you said?
"Check the cash register."
I'm not a thief.
British food is horrible.
Eughhh.
Stop it, nobody's behind me.
They should be though,
know what I'm saying? [chuckles]
What is this here?
Looks like I found the location
of where Stretch's girlfriend's
been keeping his nuts
and all her previous boyfriends'
as well.
Dare me? Send me 20 bucks
to my cash app, Venmo or PayPal
and I will eat a Covic egg.
Got that pay notificache.
I'll put this Covic
egg in my face.
[mumbles] Oh, it's not good.
WOMAN: Hello? Excuse me.
Hey, sorry, we're closed.
Oh, um... [mumbles indistinctly]
WOMAN: Excuse me.
You can't be back there!
ANNIE: Oh, no, no, no.
Sorry, you need to leave.
ANNIE: Delivery!
WOMAN: You need to--
ANNIE: I'm not a normal person.
WOMAN: Oh, shit, sorry.
That's my fault.
I should have cancelled it.
ANNIE: Yeah, probably.
WOMAN: I'm sorry.
Wait, you're not gonna give
me some food?
WOMAN: We've had a really busy
night. I'll sort out a refund.
ANNIE: Not very socially
distance safe, just sayin',
you know.
WOMAN: Apologies.
ANNIE: Whatever.
At least I got a snack.
WOMAN: Hey!
Have you got a car?
ANNIE: If you're trying to steal
one of my kidneys,
I wouldn't bother,
because those things
don't barely work.
Listen, I just need you to take
my friend somewhere nearby,
the usual guy let us down.
It won't take long.
ANNIE: People do
that, let you down.
Listen, it needs to stay
between us, OK?
I'll pay you extra
but don't mention...
not a word to
anybody, OK, promise?
ANNIE: I promise, yeah...
She's sleeping. I'll just
wake her up.
ANNIE: ...totally.
[softly] Angela, Angela,
sweetheart.
Angela, come on, lovely.
That's it, good girl.
Come on. Let's get up.
Are you OK?
That's it, good girl.
OK. You're OK.
OK, Angela, this lady's gonna
just take you to some
friends, OK?
ANNIE: Nope!
WOMAN: Please, wait, wait!
I'm just desperate.
Wait a minute, please.
ANNIE: No, lady.
Look, please, look, I really
need you to do this for me.
ANNIE: What is this,
some human-trafficking shit?
She's not safe here, please--
ANNIE: No shit!
Half an hour at most.
- ANNIE: Somethin's up here.
WOMAN: Please!
ANNIE: No.
WOMAN: Look, wait, stop, look...
[paper rustles]
You know, a lot of people
don't know this about me
but I'm actually a
really good person.
Lean against the car
for a second. I just gotta
get my key out here.
[car alarm chirps]
- Alright!
Welcome to the Band Car,
Angela - it's your first ride.
Put her little feeters in there.
Oh, great! Good girl.
It's OK, we're safe.
Oh, no, no, no, Angela.
You gotta stay inside for me.
OK, Angela, don't worry.
Just sit back.
And there we go.
Let me get a pen,
cos I'm taking a trip with--
Fuck! Come on.
Yeah, it's alright.
You stay in there.
I'm gonna put
the child-locks on.
OK, this is Angela.
Her and I are taking a trip
to 214 Timberline Way.
RINGTONE: Hey, Amar,
pick up--
- Oh, shit.
It's me, Gemma
I know you're alone.
I don't fucking
need this, Stretch.
Suck it, bro. I'm busy.
What, pray tell, is
at 214 Timberline Way?
Is it a blood sex orgy?
[distorted echo]
Is it an adrenochrome-harvesting
Tupperware party?
Will the Queen be there
selecting innocent
children to eat?
You're being awfully
tight-lipped.
But let's go...
We're cruising down the street
[rhythmic beats under]
Looking for a bad brow
Bad bro, get him in the backseat
Me and Angela want the skeet
Yes, we do,
Yes, we do
I said, yes, we do - I do too
What the fuck could
the smell be?
That is trying to arrest me
Pull over, it's the smell police
Yo, somebody help me, please.
[sniffs] What is that?
Oh, fuck! This
bitch shat herself.
She's fucking shitting.
I can hear it, I can taste it.
It's like she's shitting
directly into my mouth!
[she groans]
[she shrieks]
Fucking kill myself.
[Angela mutters & groans]
[Annie sobs theatrically]
Oh, god.
Oh, fuck, Angela!
Come on. Gimme your hand.
It's alright.
Come on, Angela. Keep up.
[door shuts]
ANNIE: Dicks in my ass.
Come on.
Alright, alright, very good.
Excuse me, sir.
Can we use your rest room?
MAN: Er, just sign in
on the Track 'n Trace.
ANNIE: Um...
[Angela groans]
ANNIE: Fuck, Angela!
Shit, no, no, no, no.
[Angela groans]
ANNIE: [whispers] Fuck!
Omigod, Angela.
See, this is what happens
when you're wearing a mask
for too long, I feel like.
I don't know.
Huh?
WOMAN: Angela?
Angela!
ANNIE: [whispers] What the fuck?
[Angela moans]
WOMAN: Angela!
[bashes door]
[loud crashing]
[Annie shrieks]
ANNIE: Leave me alone!
[scuffling]
[Annie shrieks]
[thud]
[she whimpers]
ANNIE: Oh, gross!
[woman roars]
[Annie shrieks]
[she gasps.
Oh, fuck! Shit on my balls.
WOMAN: Angela?
Come with me.
[tv plays in background]
ANNIE: [whispers] Fuck you,
you fucking psycho cunt.
[thudding]
[whispers] This is
fucking insane.
[loud crash, glass shatters]
[Annie shrieks] Fuck.
[she grunts]
[whispers] Fucking
nightmare world.
[loud crash, utensils rattle]
ANNIE: What the fuck is this?!
- [woman roars]
ANNIE: Get out! Fuck off!
- [woman roars]
[woman roars]
[Annie shrieks]
[loud thud, flesh tears]
[liquid fizzes]
ANNIE: You fucking...ho.
[Annie gasps & grunts]
[she yells out]
What the fuck is happening?
Did I just kill that bitch?
Omigod, omigod, omigod.
What the fucking fuck!
[car pulls up]
STRETCH: Thanks, mate.
Annie! Annie!
ANNIE: Fuck off, Stretch,
not now!
STRETCH: Annie, Annie.
ANNIE: How the fuck
did you find me?
And who the fuck is she?
ANNIE: Who the fuck are you--
[she shrieks] What the fuck?!
[clattering]
ANNIE: Come on,
no. We gotta go--
[Annie & Stretch
argue indistinctly]
[loud thud]
I'm going, I'm going, I'm going.
ANNIE: Oh, fuck!
STRETCH: Alright,
I'm going, I'm going, I'm going!
Welcome back to Band Car
the internet's number 1
live improvised music show...
Talk to me!
- ...broadcast from
a moving vehicle...
Stop livestreaming.
- So much excitement...
Who is this woman?
- ...it's coming out my ears...
...my rear...
- Why does my car smell of shit?
Actually it was coming
out of her rear.
Who is this woman, seriously?
What's your name?
ANNIE: I think they're
gonna kill her!
STRETCH: Shut the fuck up.
That's why we have
to rescue her.
- STRETCH: Who?
Who is gonna kill her?
- I don't know who it is.
STRETCH: What are
you talking about?
- If it's antifa,
it's an evil cabal.
STRETCH: A fucking cabal?
What are you talking about?
I don't know who it is.
STRETCH: Excuse me,
what's your name?
ANNIE: Angela, please tell us--
Her name's Angela.
STRETCH: Where do you come from?
ANNIE: Why are you
being silenced?
Why do you have
an Ariana Grande tattoo?
I'm taking her back
to where we were.
ANNIE: No, you're not.
STRETCH: Jesus! Fuck!
[car wheels screech]
Get out of my fucking car
right now.
- Don't touch me, bro!
Get the fuck out
the car right now.
- Alright! Shut up!
STRETCH: Fuck! You are
such a fucking nightmare.
ANNIE: Oh, shut your--
[car door slams]
[Annie & Stretch
argue indistinctly outside]
[argument continues outside]
[car whooshes by]
[argument continues outside]
[muffled seeping]
[car whooshes by]
[electronic static]
[car whooshes by]
[car door slams]
STRETCH: She's fucking damaged.
ANNIE: Oh, fuck, Angela!
STRETCH: Annie! Annie!
ANNIE: Angela, come back!
[Stretch scoffs]
[car door opens]
STRETCH: See this?
This is what happens when you
let Annie Hardy into your life.
[he groans]
[he strains]
[he gags]
[loud bang on windscreen]
[he gasps]
What the fuck?
[he pants]
[eerie howling outside]
[he whispers] Annie!
[clattering]
[he whispers] Fuck.
[opens car door]
[loudly] Angela.
[twigs crack in the distance]
Angela!
[audio on cam thuds,
his footsteps lurch]
[he pants]
[twig snaps]
[he gasps]
Angela!
[wind whooshes]
[he pants]
[he whispers] Angela!
[he whispers] Angela!
Wha--?! Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck.
[thudding]
[he gasps in fear]
Oh, fuck! [he grunts]
[loud thud]
[he pants]
[he shudders]
[loud thud above]
[he gasps for breath]
[he whispers] Angela.
[he grunts]
[he pants]
[footsteps thud]
[branch creaks]
[he whispers] Fuck you, Annie.
[he grunts with effort]
[he grunts again]
[gently] Angela.
[he grunts] Shit, fuck!
[he grunts]
Angela.
Fucking shit in my ca--
[branch snaps]
[he yells out]
[loud crash]
[electronic static]
[clattering]
[he grunts]
[owl hoots]
[he grunts again]
[footsteps stumble]
Oh, fuck.
[owl hoots]
Shit.
Stretch, she found us!
She's here!
STRETCH: Huh?
[gunshot]
[they shriek]
ANNIE: Run!
WOMAN: You fucking bitch.
Annie, what's happening?
ANNIE: What the fuck?
STRETCH: Annie, wait!
[she screams]
[gunshot, they scream]
WOMAN: Fucking cunt.
ANNIE: Shit!
[footsteps thud]
They're coming for us!
[gunshot]
[she screams]
STRETCH: Annie!
Annie, what's happening?
ANNIE: [sobs] I don't know!
STRETCH: What the
fuck is happening?
ANNIE: Fucking Antifa bitch!
[she pants]
[footsteps thud]
ANNIE: Oh, yeah.
[she whispers] Come on, come on.
Did we lose her?
STRETCH: Fuck me!
ANNIE: What the fuck is
her problem?
[loud thud]
STRETCH: Ow! [he groans]
Oh, fuck! [he gags] Fuck!
ANNIE: Shh. Shut the fuck up.
[she whispers] Stretch,
your foot.
[he gasps] Oh, shit.
Oh... oh fuck.
ANNIE: Stop being
a little bitch.
[he gasps in pain]
[she whispers indistinctly]
[he pants]
WOMAN: Angela.
ANNIE: Turn off
the fucking light.
[they breathe heavily]
WOMAN: Angela.
ANNIE: [whispers] Shit.
WOMAN: Angela.
[closer, louder] Angela!
STRETCH: Fuck!
ANNIE: [whispers]
She's fucking coming.
STRETCH: Get under the cover.
[thudding]
STRETCH: What the fuck
is this woman?
ANNIE: Shh.
[door opens]
[footsteps echo]
[screeching in distance]
[footsteps recede]
[panting]
WOMAN: Angela!
[they breathe heavily]
ANNIE: [whispers]
Do you have a boner right now?
STRETCH: [whispers] Fuck you.
[wind whips]
STRETCH: [whispers] Annie!
[louder]
Annie, what the fuck was that?
What about Angela?
- She'll be fine.
What? We need to get...
At least help her.
You're all "Black Lives Matter",
you fucking do it.
[loud thud]
[he grunts] Oh, fuck!
ANNIE: Sorry! I'm sorry,
I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry.
Harvesting the energy,
the healing powers of Nature
from this tree...
...and now...
[Stretch gasps]
...I can bestow them
upon your foot.
[she chants musically]
Taking out the AIDS.
STRETCH: Ow.
[she grunts & strains]
Got it. I got the AIDS
right here in my hands...
AIDS, AIDS, AIDS, AIDS!
- Fuck off! Fuck off, Annie.
Stop that, Annie.
ANNIE: AIDS!
[she whispers]
Did you hear that?
[twigs snap nearby]
[ringtone] Hey, Amar...
[Annie & Stretch gasp]
...pick up the phone
It's me, Gemma--
- It's your stupid
bitch girlfriend.
...Road... I'm gonna
call the police, OK?
ANNIE: [mocking] "Yeah,
and the doctor called today
"and he said there's
nothing can be done
"about your anal prolapse.
"That pink sock
is sticking around for life."
"Oh, man, this is
terrible news."
"Yeah, I didn't want to have to
break it to you while
you're out."
"Oh, god, what am I gonna do?"
STRETCH: I'm with her now,
actually.
I think she's got
something to say to you.
ANNIE: Uh-uh.
[whispers] Fuck!
[softly] Hi, Gemma, it's Annie.
Hey, I'm fine.
Just wanted to say
I was really sorry.
Yeah, I'm sorry that you're...
...hypnotised by
the mainstream media that
you think you're anti-fascist.
STRETCH: What the fuck
are you doing?
But you're actually a fascist
because you won't let people
like me have our own beliefs.
What the fuck are you saying?
- I'm so sorry!
I'm so sorry!
STRETCH: Fuck's sake.
ANNIE: Porridge!
..."storage"..."lozenge".
"Lozenge" rhymes with "orange"
sort of.
STRETCH: Hey, Annie,
I've got one.
ANNIE: "Lozenge".
STRETCH: "Shut the fuck up."
ANNIE: Orange.
ANNIE: I'm driving,
bitch, because...
STRETCH: You're not driving.
ANNIE: ...you are too cripple.
Everybody knows Annie Hardy
wants to see my nipple.
Um--
STRETCH: [whispers] You should
go see if she's alright.
ANNIE: [whispers]
You're the fucking man.
You're supposed to go.
STRETCH: [whispers] I'll
just drop a pin.
We'll call the police--
ANNIE: [whispers]
You are such a fucking pussy.
Alright, fine, I'll go.
[car door shuts]
ANNIE: Angela.
[she calls out] Angela.
Angela.
STRETCH: Annie!
[she wails]
STRETCH: What's going on?
[car door opens & closes]
ANNIE: Her fucking mouth!
She's trying to say something.
STRETCH: Got a woman in the car
bleeding from the mouth.
WOMAN OVER PHONE: I need the
address of the emergency.
ANNIE: It's OK, I'll
take this off.
STRETCH: We're about 20 miles--
ANNIE: Omigod!
Fucking shit on my dick!
[Annie wails]
- Annie, tell me
what's happening!
ANNIE: Fuuuck! There's blood
coming out of her mouth!
STRETCH: What? Why is there
blood coming from her mouth?
There's fucking staples in it,
you fuck-ass.
What? Shut up for a second!
Give me the fucking camera.
ANNIE: Fuck yourself right now!
Oh, fuck! No!
[suction, flesh tears]
[blood sloshes]
[Annie shrieks] Omigod!
[Angela coughs]
[Stretch shouts, Annie shrieks]
[Angela grunts]
ANNIE: Angela, it's OK, it's OK!
[Angela groans]
[Angela snarls]
[Annie shrieks]
[loud slap]
[Annie shrieks]
STRETCH: What the fuck
is happening?
[Annie continues shrieking]
[emergency operator on phone]
[Angela hoiks loudly]
[car engine revs]
[Annie screams]
[loud crash, glass shatters]
[she pants]
[man groans]
ANNIE: Omigod.
[man grunts & groans]
[loud explosion]
[man shrieks in terror]
[fire roars]
[alarm whoops]
[man shrieks]
ANNIE: It's OK,
it's OK, it's OK.
[man continues shrieking]
ANNIE: It's OK, it's OK,
it's OK!
MAN: [screaming] Help me!
ANNIE: What the fuck.
Ow! Fuck off.
[she shrieks]
[thudding]
[alarm continues whooping]
[coughing]
ANNIE: Angela!
[alarm continues whooping]
[coughing continues]
ANNIE: Help!
[fire roars]
Stretch, help! Help me!
[she coughs] Help! Help!
[she shrieks]
[Annie gasps and coughs]
ANNIE: What the fuck?
[Annie shrieks]
[Angela snarls]
[Annie shrieks]
[electronic static]
[Angela groans]
ANNIE: Fuck no, fuck, get off!
[Angela continues groaning]
[Annie coughs]
The fuck was that?
[she pants]
Stretch!
[car idles nearby]
[she shudders]
Hey...are you alright?
[loud pop]
[Annie shrieks]
[airbag hisses]
[Annie breathes deeply]
[car continues idling]
I'm sorry.
I'm sorry.
[coughing nearby]
ANNIE: Stretch.
I took some of your cigarettes.
ANNIE: [softly] It's OK...
...it's OK.
[she sniffles]
Hey, um...
...I thought of a word
that rhymes with "orange".
Set me up.
[she sniffles]
Come on, set me up.
- What?
ANNIE: I thought of a word
that rhymes with "orange"
but I need you to
set me up, though.
[he scoffs]
Packed like a...f-fruit bowl...
...all full of orange.
I won't take no vaccine,
from a fucking syringe.
[she whispers] Do another one.
Come on.
Hangin' off the wall...
...like a door on the hinge.
Everyone in town knows your mom
has the stinkiest minge.
Get me a beer, I
wanna be on a binge.
Uh, your rhymes are so bad
they make my butthole cringe.
[he chuckles]
[she sniffles]
Give me another one.
If you had red hair,
then they'd call you a ginge.
[Angela howls]
STRETCH: Omigod!
[flesh tears]
[Annie shrieks]
[Angela snarls]
ANNIE: Ah, fuck off, get off me!
[Stretch grunts]
[loud crack]
[Angela howls]
Come on.
ANNIE: What the fuck?
[footsteps thud]
[Angela howls]
STRETCH: Yeah, right.
[footsteps thud]
[eerie howling]
[they breathe heavily]
[car approaches]
ANNIE: Help us! Help!
STRETCH: Hey!
STRETCH: Help us! Help!
ANNIE: Oh, please. Oh, god.
ANNIE: Help us.
STRETCH: Help us.
Shit!
STRETCH: What the fuck are
you doing? Where you going?
[loud crunch]
[glass shatters]
[rain patters]
[car pulls up nearby]
[rain patters]
[car door slams]
WOMAN: I'll find you,
you fucking bitch.
[rain pours]
[clattering]
[rustling]
[gunshot]
[Annie shrieks]
WOMAN: I see you,
you fucking cunt!
[Annie pants]
WOMAN: You can't run!
[Annie pants]
[she shrieks]
[she continues
breathing heavily]
WOMAN: You're gonna fucking die!
[wind whooshes]
[water splashes]
WOMAN: Give her back to me!
[Annie breathes loudly]
WOMAN: Hey!
I've got your friend.
If you don't come out,
I'll blow his fuckin' head off.
[Stretch groans & begs]
[clattering]
[she sobs]
WOMAN: I'll find you,
you fucking cunt.
WOMAN: Come out or
I'll fucking kill him.
[gunshot]
ANNIE: [whispers] Stretch.
WOMAN: The next one
goes in your fucking skull.
[Stretch groans]
WOMAN: Where is she?!
Where's your cunt friend?
STRETCH: Annie!
ANNIE: [whispers] Stretch.
[water splashes]
WOMAN:
Where is she? Give her back!
[Stretch groans]
[Stretch screams and groans]
ANNIE: [whispers] Shit.
WOMAN: Where is she?
WOMAN: Tell me!
[loud thud]
[Stretch groans]
[Annie pants]
WOMAN: She's a fucking child!
[loud thud]
[Stretch groans]
Sick fuck!
[loud thud]
[Stretch groans]
ANNIE: Oh, shit on my balls,
shit on my balls.
WOMAN: Hey!
- Shit on my balls,
shit on my balls.
WOMAN: Hey!
[engine revs]
Eat my fuckin' ass, bitch!
[gunshot]
[tires screech]
[loud crash]
[glass shatters]
[Annie groans softly]
Oh, fuck!
[gunshot]
[car alarm blares]
[gun cocks]
[Annie shrieks]
[gunshot]
[car alarm blares]
[Annie shrieks]
[scuffling]
[car alarm blares]
ANNIE: Stretch!
[loud thud]
- Start the car.
WOMAN: No!
[car alarm blares]
[Annie grunts]
[Stretch grunts]
[car alarm blares]
ANNIE: Eat shit!
[flesh tears]
[woman screams]
ANNIE: Omigod, gross!
[she retches]
[car alarm continues blaring]
[woman sobs]
ANNIE: Give me the camera.
Film me with this stupid bitch.
STRETCH: I'm gonna
call the police.
- No! What are you, white?
Come on, this is the best
episode of Band Car ever!
STRETCH: Don't hit me!
Hi, I'm Annie Hardy.
We're live on Band Car
with this psychopath bitch
who just tried to kill us.
Ma'am, can you tell us why
you've tried to murder us today?
[she snarls]
ANNIE: Alright!
[loud thud]
- Watch it, bitch.
[she shrieks]
- Annie, this is fucked up.
ANNIE: Do you like that shit?
[woman whimpers]
Please don't
make me do that again.
[woman whimpers]
- You seem to be hurt.
Tell me where the pain is.
[groans] Fuck you.
[distorted echo]
Where did he touch you?
Show me on the doll.
[loud thud]
STRETCH: Fuck!
Well, that's what you get
for getting too clos--
[she shrieks] Whoa!
- I'll fucking kill you.
STRETCH: Fuck off her. Get off!
- I'll kill you.
ANNIE: Relax!
[kicks]
[woman groans]
STRETCH: What the fuck
do you want?
Angela!
[distorted echo]
She's 16.
Please...
- STRETCH: What are
you talking about?
She's my daughter.
[distorted echo]
Please give her back.
ANNIE: I'm not a math whiz,
but this seems
highly improbable, ma'am.
STRETCH: She's fucking old.
- No. No, she's 16. Please...
Ma'am, you must be rocking some
sort of Benjamin Button vagina.
Can we have a look?
- Shut up.
[she gasps] Back pocket.
You keep your vagina
in your back pocket? [laughs]
You told him to do it.
Don't #metoo him later.
Let me see
this sundried tomato snatch.
[Annie laughs]
STRETCH: What?
[Annie laughs helplessly]
- What the fuck are you doing?
[she continues laughing]
- Fuck, Annie!
It's fucking real.
- What you talking about?
[she laughs]
It's really Angela! Look, look.
It's the Ariana Grande tattoo,
I've seen it...
STRETCH: Why are you talking
about Ariana Grande?
...at the diner. She's got
the same Ariana Grande tattoo.
WOMAN: Angela!
Angela!
STRETCH: Oh, fuck!
ANNIE: Leave her,
we've gotta go!
STRETCH: Come with us.
ANNIE: We gotta get outta here.
- [flesh tears]
Oh, fuck. Fuck this bitch.
- You're not gonna help her?
[Annie shrieks]
STRETCH: Stay away from her.
WOMAN: Angela!
STRETCH: Don't go near her!
WOMAN: I've got you, baby.
STRETCH: Fuck!
[electronic static]
[Angela howls]
STRETCH: Get in the car.
[static crescendos]
[howling continues]
STRETCH: Go, Annie!
ANNIE: What the fuck!
That bitch's head!
[howling continues]
STRETCH: Annie!
Annie! Wait!
[he pants]
Annie! Annie, wait.
[electronic static]
- Fuck!
[Stretch grunts]
- [electronic static continues]
[thudding]
[he grunts rhythmically]
[he gasps]
[thudding]
[he grunts]
[metal clanks]
[he strains]
[he shouts out]
[thudding]
[he grunts repeatedly]
[loud thud]
[he gasps]
[he strains]
[he exhales]
[thudding]
[he pants]
[scrabbling]
[he grunts with effort]
[footsteps crunch]
[wind blows]
[metal clangs]
[he grunts]
[plastic clatters]
[he whispers] Oh, Jesus Christ.
[he whispers] Annie!
[wind whips]
[he gasps] Oh, fuck me.
[eerie creaking]
STRETCH: Hello?
- [phone chimes]
WOMAN ON PHONE: Sorry, your
call could not be connected.
Please try again later.
[muffled voices]
STRETCH: Annie!
[plants rustle underfoot]
[he pants]
[he grunts]
[gate clatters]
[low clanking]
[he pants]
STRETCH:
Annie! Oh, fuck.
Annie!
[he pants]
Annie, wake up.
Annie! Annie!
[loudly] Annie!
[thudding]
Annie.
[he pants]
[spits]
[slaps sharply]
[Annie shrieks]
What's happening?
No, no! What the fuck!
STRETCH: It's alright, it's me.
Annie...
ANNIE: Fuck you.
STRETCH: Annie, I'm sorry.
I'm sorry!
It's not fucking funny,
you narc.
STRETCH: Fuck! Annie, come on.
[door slams]
[he grunts]
[door slams]
[he whispers] Annie.
[he whispers] Annie!
[muffled rattling]
[loud clank]
[he shudders]
[he whispers] Annie.
[muffled fairground music]
[loud thud]
"I'm sorry."
I'm sorry
you're such a libtard idiot...
STRETCH: I'm sorry, I'm sorry.
...and your fucking girlfriend's
such a stupid bitch.
Stop it.
- Give me that phone.
Give me the phone!
[clattering]
[Annie shrieks]
[eerie howling]
[musical creaking]
[Annie pants]
[eerie howling]
[metal creaks]
[lights power up]
[chimes tinkle]
[fairground music plays]
STRETCH: Annie!
[Annie pants]
STRETCH: Annie!
Follow my voice.
[Annie pants]
ANNIE: Stretch!
STRETCH: Annie!
[she struggles to breathe]
STRETCH: Come on, come with me.
Annie!
[she whines]
STRETCH: Breathe!
[she sobs]
[he whispers]
It's gonna be fine.
You just need to breathe.
STRETCH: Annie... you're
Annie fucking Hardy, right?
What are you always telling me?
You've got bigger balls
than me, right?
ANNIE: I know!
STRETCH: How big are my balls?
ANNIE: [sobs] Your balls
are small.
My balls are fucking tiny, OK?
[he whispers] Come on! I was
the one who got hit by a car.
ANNIE: It's not a competition.
Let's get out of here.
OK, you're kinda being
a bit of a pussy right now.
Come on, follow me.
It's this way.
[thud]
STRETCH: Ow.
[she laughs]
STRETCH: Fuck me!
ANNIE: Retard.
[loud crash]
[glass shatters]
[eerie howling]
[Annie & Stretch scream]
ANNIE: Stretch!
STRETCH: Annie!
[howling continues]
ANNIE: Stretch!
- Help me, Annie!
[flesh tears]
[Stretch groans]
[Annie shrieks]
[Stretch gurgles violently]
[he continues gurgling]
[Annie shrieks]
[eerie howling]
[footsteps thud]
[Annie pants]
[she gasps for breath]
[Annie yells out]
[loud crash, glass shatters]
[song plays on car stereo]
[car engine revs]
[Annie shouts in frustration]
[clattering]
VINNY VAGUESS:
You've seen a lot of things
You're not sure
what they mean
You spend your whole life
finding out
Come on, fuck-ass.
[song fades in and out]
[static]
Oh, c'mon, dude.
[loud crash]
[she shrieks]
[clattering]
Oh.
Fuck!
[clattering]
[electronic beeping]
- Ugh.
[beeping continues]
- God, why do you hate me?
Lord, I repent of my sins
of lust, rage, blasphemy--
[Angela screeches]
[Annie screams]
[Angela snarls]
ANNIE: No! No!
[scuffling]
ANNIE: Fucking bitch!
[she screams]
[Angela snarls]
ANNIE: Fuck off,
you stupid bitch!
[grunting]
[loud kick]
[Angela hisses & squeals]
[she snarls]
Wear your mask, bitch.
[Angela mutters]
ANNIE: What?
[loud bang]
[Annie shrieks]
[she shrieks again]
[car clatters]
[Annie grunts]
[eerie whooshing]
ANNIE: Holy shit, no!
[loud crash]
[water rushes in]
ANNIE: Help!
[water rushes]
[Annie inhales sharply]
[Annie gurgles]
Help!
[water rushes]
[she yells out]
[she screams]
[she coughs] Help!
[she strains]
[she shrieks underwater]
[she gasps & coughs]
Oh, fuck.
[eerie howling]
[Annie shrieks]
[she shrieks]
[howling continues]
[Annie yells]
[loud thud]
[piercing scream]
[spurting]
[Annie yells] Oh, shit. Sorry!
[water rumbles]
[water pours]
[Annie whimpers]
[water pours]
[Annie gasps raggedly]
[she gasps for air]
[water bubbles]
[she gasps for air]
Oh, fuck.
[she gasps] Oh, fuck.
[she gasps] Oh, fuck.
[she continues gasping]
[she coughs]
[she whimpers]
[she groans weakly]
[she continues groaning weakly]
[she sobs]
[she continues sobbing]
[she continues sobbing]
[she sniffles]
[wind whips]
[she sniffles]
[she howls] Ow, ow, owww!
[she sighs]
[she sniffles]
[she sniffles]
[she grunts]
[rustling]
[she grunts]
[wind whips]
[loud knocking]
ANNIE: Hello!
[she rattles door]
ANNIE: Hello?
[wind whips]
Hello?
Hello--
[she sings]
I guess this is my house now
This is where I'll stay
Come on, I'm having a party
At 214 Timberline Way.
[gasps] Shit on my dick. Fuck!
Oh, fuck shit!
[doors slam]
[she shrieks]
[she gasps]
[door slams]
ANNIE: Fuck!
[Annie whimpers]
[low cough nearby]
ANNIE: Oh, come on.
[metal tears flesh]
[Annie screams]
Fuck!
[eerie howling]
ANNIE: Get the fuck off me,
you incontinent old bitch!
[Annie shrieks] No!
[metal tears flesh]
[Annie shrieks]
[Angela snarls]
ANNIE: Fuck you,
you stupid bitch!
[loud squelching]
[thud]
[Annie pants]
[she grunts]
That's what happens when you
fuck with Annie Hardy, you
stupid-ass b--
[loud crash]
[Annie shrieks]
[Annie fumbles & shrieks]
[rumbling & squelching]
[she whimpers & strains]
[she pants & gasps]
[she whimpers]
[door clatters]
[low rumbling]
[eerie cries from behind]
ANNIE: [whispers] Oh, fuck!
[loud snarling]
[she shudders]
[Annie gasps for breath]
[low rumbling continues]
[eerie echoes]
[she pants]
[her breathing slows]
[she pants]
[low rumbling]
[she pants]
[clattering]
[she shudders]
[gate rattles]
[gate rattles]
[she strains]
[loud bang]
[Annie shrieks]
No!
Shit in my mouth.
Cum in my asshole.
[eerie howling]
ANNIE: Uhh, ugh!
[scuffling]
[she cries out]
[she pants]
ANNIE: Shit on my tits.
Fuck me in the--
What?
Huh.
Fuck! Come on. Keys, keys, keys.
Keys on--
[she gasps]
Please help me find his
fucking keys, please, angels.
[loud crash]
[eerie howling]
[shuffling]
[creature howls]
ANNIE: [whispers]
Fuck off, fuck off, fuck off.
[she pants]
[eerie rattling & howling]
[loud thud]
[eerie howling]
[distorted rumbling]
[she grunts]
Oh, what the fuck?
Yes!
[creature roars]
[Annie shrieks]
ANNIE: Fuck you,
you fucking semen demon!
[she gasps rhythmically]
[thud]
Ah!
[engine starts]
[door slams]
ANNIE:
Are you fuckin' kidding me?
[she yells and kicks]
[car alarms blare]
- Oh, shit!
[she gasps]
[car alarms blare]
[eerie howling]
[clattering]
[deep roar]
[keyboard plays funky beats]
- Fuck! Shut up, shut up,
shut up!
[creature roars]
[Annie shrieks]
[car alarms continue blaring]
[Annie gasps]
[creature retches]
ANNIE: Get fucked! Why?!
[keyboard continues playing]
[car alarms continue blaring]
[creature snarls]
[keyboard continues playing]
ANNIE: You fucking...
...piece...of...shit.
[car alarm blares]
- Suck...my...dick.
[she sighs]
[softly] Oh.
"Annie, are you OK?"
Killing 'em like OJ.
If the glove does not fit,
you must acquit.
And if your name's Annie Hardy,
then you must be the shit.
[coughs]
[keyboard electronica]
Fuck these credits, bitch.
Band Car styleee.
[electronic beats play under]
What, did you know that Rob
Savage could really fuck a ho?
He got a dick so big,
his Douglas Cox hits.
You in the back of your throat
and shit.
Jason Blum, had
sex with his mum,
I gotta call him "honey"
just to make him cum.
Yo, is that sick?
No, all in the fam.
We like to keep it
incestuous, man.
Brenna Rangott,
sourcream crotch,
nobody wants to tell you
it stanks, slut.
Gemma Hurley, hurling... buckets
of her own vaginal stink.
Jed Shepherd, he catches
it right in the mouth,
like a lewd little dog,
wont you sit down now.
Anyway, Jennifer Trent,
she's got Dale Slater,
open and bent right over.
And Alexi's on the ground,
on all fours, getting down.
Calum Sample, they call him that
cos he's got a sample
of every guy in England's jizz
in his asshole -
it's just crazy.
[beats continue under]
Drew O'Neill,
I know how he feels.
They don't call him
Drew "O'Kneel" for nothing,
you know what I'm saying.
Heather Basten,
wouldn't you know,
you better eat that pussy
if you want the role.
How you think I got here,
I'm the best.
All the lesbians know -
they put me to the test.
Lina, I don't know what
the fuck your last name is,
it sounds crazy
like some dude's anus
that fell inside out -
they call that a "pink sock".
Yep, Annie Hardy,
that bitch rocks.
Amar, I'mma tell you what.
There's a willow in your butt,
better pull that out.
Me and Angela, we know the truth
and everyone else,
ha-ha, doesn't.
Seylan, say it again,
I can't understand the
motherfucking Scottish accent.
That shit is thick
like James Swanton's dick.
[siren wails]
Here's the ambulance,
they came to fucking pick
up Caroline Ward,
take her to the morgue.
That bitch is dead from
getting fucked like a whore.
Hey, Jemma Moore,
she still wants less
of dude's dicks
right up in her ass.
These motherfuckers
wearing masks - alone?
Shut the fuck up,
everybody go home.
Mojave, dry as a
desert can't stop me.
Edward Linard, every time
someone farts he gets hard,
I don't know what that's about.
Joshua Higgott,
knows well that George Keeler
is a booty feeler.
And Faith Kiggundu,
she really needs her
pipes cleaned,
if you know what I mean?
Freddie Senner is
a sinner indeed.
Yep, Nate Marten, doin' a kick,
falling off a building,
right on a dick.
Anna Thornley,
my beautiful stunt double,
tits so big almost
got us in trouble.
Bethan Clark is not a narc,
she fell down, and
she fell real hard.
And Rajesh making
a mess in some guy's butt,
Farrell Cox, yeah,
he's got two of em.
Double-dick dude,
Tamaira Hesson,
'bout to teach that asshole
a motherfuckin' lesson.
And Ben Ring, another member of
the pedophile ring
of child love.
Deimante "Brriiyyattka" - nobody
speaks that language, brah.
Come on, don't
tell me there's...
OK - ahh! - there's compost.
MAN: There's compost!
- I'm excited!
Yes, Jason Blum,
do you want some cum-post?
I'm so excited, yeah.
I haven't seen
this compost in so long.
Might have to suck it
off some guy's dong.
[keyboard continues playing]
Dave Nolan, shout out -
my guy, my dude -
everybody know he's bi.
Just kidding, nobody
knows, just me.
Except now I just told everyone
so I guess everybody
knows - sorry!
If I put my Claire Adcock
right in your Bingham,
then pulled it out,
put it in your pussy,
you know, that I be, um,
smelling like a Harriet Salmon
the next day.
Me and Millie Wells know
bacterial vaginitis isn't
a joke, hey?
Oh, no, Juan David Martinez,
I want to touch
the dude's penis.
Robert Platt-Higgins,
all I wanna know
are you guys digging
these credits so far?
Robert Kirkwood,
you're gonna be a star.
Billy Ball-ham
look out for the ball ham.
That's the ham that you
eat of some guy's balls.
It's kind of gross
but it's a delicacy, y'all.
Steven Bray, what do you say,
these motherfuckers
don't know about me.
Maybe Abi Ford, cos
we're both whores,
Ricky Casey, wearing shorts.
And Ellie Goff going
off Emily Close,
don't stand too close to me,
you damn hoes.
Dave Nolan doing karate kicks,
kicking Kiel O'Shea
right in the dick.
And Stuart Angell,
he's doing anal,
with Criss Angel,
at the hotel-yo.
In Las Vegas, with Ben Mahoney.
I tell all these motherfuckers,
"Fucking blow me!"
Jamie Nunn,
make you cum in ten-to-none...
...seconds.
So easy,
Ollie Craig's feeling peckish.
Max Gabbay, get him please, some
motherfucking ass shit to eat.
Maria Hardy, are
we... we... related?
Sam Baker,
is that that dude I fellated?
I'm not sure
anymore, Dana Degan.
I'm just trying to get
some dude to eat it.
Shayne Saville,
your uncle used to dibble-dabble
in molesting all the children.
Yes, like
Rob Goldstone, Dan Hodgson,
can we just bone or what?
I know you motherfucking
nasty slut,
I'll call you up, Frances,
we'll be there,
6pm, no pubic hair.
Dan Martin, he'll be there too,
and he'll be cum-cum farting,
bitch, just for you.
Ahh! There's a cat, Peter Rudd.
Look out, Peter Rudd
and Dan Hawkins.
If I run over a cat,
I will scream again.
And then I'll cry, cry.
I don't want a cat to die.
Graeme Clint, with no clit,
Alex Poulter
on some poltergeist shit.
Emma Crome giving dome to Louis
Doran when ain't nobody at home.
And Samuel Dore, life is a bore,
if you don't fuck a dead hooker
right on the floor.
Every night of the week,
until she come queefs,
Tom Carr-Griffin...
...he's a freak, yo.
OK, I don't wanna
do this no more.
Bye.
[door slams]
[music ends]
[GIANT DRAG: Devil Inside ]
You don't know
what you just got in
Friends and family,
never see 'em again
Another hopeless
ghoul to save
You know he loves
you as his slave
So let it ride
Let it ride, ride
Let it ride, the
devil inside
Roll it over now
in the garage
Knowing no one
is a true lost cause
Becoming everyone
you've dated
You're everything you hated
So let it ride,
let it ride, ride
Let it ride, you
got devil inside
Let it ride, let
it ride, ride
Let it ride,
you got the devil inside
Lord, when it goes down
No time to change
your mind now
Slowly he sleeps now
You've got to go,
you've got to run
You've gotta get let it ride
Let it ride, ride
Let it riiiide
You got the devil inside
Let it ride, let
it ride, ride
Let it riiiide
You got the devil inside
Let it ride
You got the devil inside.
[whooshing]
[muffled bump]
[low creaking]
[traffic hums]
[siren wails]
[siren continues wailing]
[brakes squeal]
[siren continues wailing]
WOMAN: [sighs]
Another day in paradise.
Omigod, I found him.
There he is.
This guy's been doing this
every day since lockdown began.
[she whispers] He's coming.
[barking in distance]
[she whispers] Ha! Here he is.
Majestic.
See, this is what happens
when they put us on house arrest
for a crime we didn't commit.
People start going apeshit.
Exhibit A right here.
[clattering]
Where's your mask?!
And where is your mask?
Hi, I'm Annie Hardy
and you're watching Band Car,
the internet's number 1
live improvised music show
broadcast...
[drumbeats start]
...from a moving vehicle.
Here's how it works.
[funky bass beats]
You write in one word
in uppercase letters.
I'm making a beat
I'm gonna improvise a song
and work in your word
and before too long...
...we will have made
a collaboration.
[beats continue under]
I don't know, why not?
Something tells me
you're not up to much.
Yes, lockdown, getting it on.
Having to fuck your own Dad.
Come on, that's rough.
But we do what we must.
If you can't be free you must...
...commit the sin of incest.
It's not the worst
but it's not the best.
I don't really know -
do what you want.
I don't judge, I'm objective
as motherfuckin' fuck.
Yeah, nice bike...
...man.
[instrumental continues under]
[she sighs]
"Ring, ring," I'm
calling 'em up.
"What you up to today,
you dumb fuck?
"Staying inside,
hashtag stayin' safe?
"Man, you can suck my queef."
Is it safe to be so lonely?
Everybody's trying
to kill they-selves.
This place is like
a living hell.
For something
with a 99.6 recovery rate.
Raae--
Meh.
I gotta get outta here.
[music ends]
Oh, shit on my face.
Gosh, darn it!
[clattering]
Fuck, fucking, fuck-ass.
I'mma kill someone. Damn it.
[rummaging]
Gotta bring this.
This one?
[softly] I see you.
I told her that I was leaving
two nights ago
and she proceeded to
immediately urinate on my pants.
I wasn't wearing them.
They were on the ground.
It's OK, Goostein.
[Goostein mews]
- I'm feral too, I understand.
[rummaging]
It is one of the hardest things
for me to do...
...to leave this little cat.
Otherwise who cares?
This place is a shithole.
Angels, if I'm
forgetting something,
tell me now or forever
hold your peace, please.
Mm.
And we're off...
...to see the world.
Welcome to the ghost town.
I never seen LAX
like this before.
Gate 135 boarding,
ghosts only to the ghost plane.
This shit is nuts.
Check out "future me" over here.
[woman coughs]
Don't sound so good either.
[woman coughs]
I got this hat clip thing
at Duty Free.
"And they all wondered
why she got...
"...brain cancer."
ANNIE: Hello.
ATTENDANT: Hello, how are you?
ANNIE: I'm good.
ATTENDANT: 58K, straight
over there, on the right.
ANNIE: Thank you!
[jet engine roars]
- And we're off.
[muffled voice over p.a.]
[plays haunting tune]
ANNIE: [sings] We're still
rolling after all these years.
It's Annie Hardy,
I've cried a million tears
Here I am to cry again
In England,
at the house my friend.
Here we are rolling up
to El Stretcho's house.
This is it.
Hopefully, nothing's
changed too much.
"All lives won't
matter until..."
Brother.
Yes!
[keys jangle]
I knew Stretch would not let
me down by changing ever.
[clears throat]
Fucking British keys, man.
Pretty gay.
And I mean that
in the 1990s way.
I'm gonna drop trou here.
[door slams]
[door creaks]
Mm.
Oh.
[she whispers] Stretch has
a photograph to commemorate
the first time he got crabs.
Oh, what's going on in there?
I recognise that nose
and all that cum swilling
out of his mouth anywhere.
There's good old Stretch
back in the day...
...my nice, sweet little friend.
Yeah, there is
someone behind me.
It's your dad who just pulled
his micro penis out of my ass.
[she whispers] It's Stretch.
I'm gonna do what I used to do.
We used to do this
to each other on tour.
It's called the
Silverlake Handshake.
It's pretty cool.
[she hoiks phlegm]
[she slaps sharply]
[Stretch & a woman shriek]
[Stretch yells, woman shrieks]
WOMAN: Fuck off! Fuck off!
[crashing]
[thudding]
ANNIE: Hey, hey! Fuck!
[crashing, thudding]
STRETCH: Gemma,
it's OK, it's OK.
ANNIE: Shit on my dick!
We're here on my first morning
at Stretch's house.
Let's see what have
they to eat for me.
[sniffs] Smells
like health food!
What in the mother-F are these?
You know, Stretch used to
love a nice cheeseburger.
I don't know...
...what went wrong, huh.
Hello!
Good morning.
Morning.
GEMMA: Would you like a coffee?
ANNIE: I would love one,
thank you.
Just...
...rub it together.
ANNIE: Got it.
One of my viewers
says that you're hot.
Oh!
Thanks.
This other guy says that he
wants you to take your tits out
and he's pretty
adamant about it.
How do you respond to this
display of toxic masculinity?
Sorry, do you wanna--
I just wanna keep social
distancing, thanks.
If you sanitise
[distorted echo]
Because you believe the lies
That the mainstream media guys
tell you.
ANNIE: Viral Stretch!
- Yo.
ANNIE: Hey!
- What are you doing here?
I am just running away from the
fucking madness of America, bro.
What is this - you vlogging?
We got Annie Hardy back
in the house
[distorted echo]
What is this fucking beard,
this chomo beard.
[both whisper]
STRETCH: Annie, check it out.
Oh, look at me!
GEMMA: Oh, is this you?
That is me from back
back in the day.
STRETCH: Remember this?
ANNIE: 2010.
GEMMA: Tell me.
I want to hear stories.
ANNIE: He was crazed back then.
We call him Stretch.
And I think he's always thought
that it's just because he's
really tall.
That is exactly why it is.
- But that's not why.
STRETCH: What?
You know, nightly after shows,
he would find a groupie
from the crowd, select her,
cast his wizardry spell on her
and bring her backstage
where he would take
two fingers and stretch
her butthole apart...
GEMMA: Oh!
- That is not true.
...and insert a backstage
fruit or vegetable.
That is not true.
Yes, it is so.
- No, no, it's not.
That's-- I'm called
"Stretch" because I'm tall.
Could I have some sugar?
I'm called "Stretch"
because I'm tall.
ANNIE: To me,
it sounds like you're ashamed
and I think that's a bad, bad
thing to hold in your body.
Let's get rid of it!
Let's do
a shame-expelling exercise.
- I'm not ashamed.
What we gotta do here
is stamp our right feet...
...and make a sound!
GEMMA: Yeah, come on, Amar.
[howls]
GEMMA: Come on, babe.
- You guys do it.
[Gemma howls]
ANNIE: Come on, Stretch!
[all hoot & howl]
You got Stretch in the car with
my main girl Annie Haaarr....
D...icks is all I wanna... it.
"Eat" I meant to say.
Looking round for a butt buffet.
I love food.
I love eating food.
Whether it's hot or it's cold,
I'm in the mood.
Gonna get some right
up in his boot,
right in the undercarriage,
you know that looks cute.
I got stuff in my ass,
that's true it's not grass -
it's fruit.
I got a butt buffet.
He's got a butt buffet,
like, every day.
He's got two apples
and a motherfucking grape.
Can I get maybe one orange?
All I wanna know...
...what rhymes with orange?
Every single day
I got a butt buffet...
...in my ass.
- He's got a butt buffet.
MAN: Order number 2,
veggie all-day breakfast.
STRETCH: Number 2, yeah.
ANNIE: Number two! [chuckles]
That's me.
ANNIE: Stretch, completely
winning at life.
Times are tough
but Stretch is a survivor.
Got him a job as a
delivery driver.
Suck your dick for a fiver.
He'll do it for free.
That's pro bono.
- Shut up.
I brought you a gift, Stretch,
from my homeland.
It's an orgonite Pyramid.
It's got crystals inside of it.
It'll help you so that
your erectile dysfunction
won't flare up so much.
Thank you, essential worker.
[knocks on door]
- Lord bless the man's food.
MAN: No, don't touch the food.
- Step back.
STRETCH: He said I
was gonna be fine.
They furloughed me for
a month so, you know,
we were just chill.
And then they just kept
stringing us along
and they weren't really telling
anybody what was going on.
I don't know, I thought--
- [she laughs]
MAN: Track 'n Trace.
ANNIE: What's Track 'n Trace?
STRETCH: You've gotta
sign in with an app.
They make you sign in?
This is insane!
Can you just, um...if you could
just put on the mask, please--
Oh, I'm wearing a mask.
It's a new fibre technology
where you can't actually see it.
It's good.
- OK, yeah.
But trust that I'm wearing one.
Yeah, no, I do need you
to put on a mask though.
Come again. I can't
understand you, the muffled
sound of your mask.
I'm saying if...
I'm saying if you're in here...
Oh, hypocrite!
- ...you need to put a mask on.
STRETCH: Mask on cos
this is my job.
I cannot put the mask on because
it's my job to tell the truth
that this is a scam.
- Can you turn that
phone off, please.
[ shouts] Do you know anyone
who's died of Covic?
- Answer me and I'll leave!
MAN: Get her out of the shop.
STRETCH: I'm so sorry.
MAN: Just get her out of here.
You guys need
to fucking wake the fuck up.
MAN: Don't touch anything!
STRETCH: Put your mask on.
His nose is out, so
how's that work?
I told you to get out the shop,
so get out the fucking shop!
MAN: Get out! Get out!
STRETCH: Annie.
Get out the fucking--
STRETCH: Annie, just stop.
It's fucking hectic.
Get the fuck out the shop!
STRETCH: Sorry, mate.
Annie, please!
- Seriously! Get her out.
Listen, Annie--
- Fuck you!
Get this fucking crazy bitch
out of my shop.
I'm sorry.
- Annie, just fuck off.
I'm so sorry, mate.
ANNIE: In both cultures.
Annie, go on, behave.
Don't do that.
ANNIE: America, England,
America, England.
STRETCH: Sorry, mate. Annie!
- Rounding them up for
the camps.
Annie, just wait in
the fucking car.
Fuckin' idiot.
[door slams]
ANNIE: Stretch, come on.
That guy was a fuckin' asshole.
Stretch...
Maybe your feminazi girlfriend
will be happy to see me.
[loud thud, Annie groans]
- Not coming in
this fucking house!
You'll risk our fucking safety!
Get her the fuck out
of this house, Amar!
[Gemma and Stretch whisper]
[she whispers] They're
deciding my fate in there.
Well, will I be executed
for owning a red hat?
Or will I be allowed to live?
Find out on the
stunning conclusion
of "This is Fucking Bullshit".
Thank you very much.
I'm outta here.
See you fucking libtards later.
[car alarm chirps]
[drumbeats play] Yo!
MAGA, Stretch,
you fucking libtard bitch.
Big-ass nose and
the legs of a chick.
In, my friend, you
are not, it in...
...to tonight -
do the bitch right -
plus you won't forgive me
for stealing the car, aite.
May have made a mistake,
but probably not.
My biggest mistake was
thinking that you didn't suck.
No one understands
me, no one could.
I got the brain of a genius,
you got the brain of wood.
[zippy arpeggios]
[beats play under] You can't
cancel me, I don't exist
You's a fucking
group-think bitch
Hive-minded as the day is long
And your girlfriend fucks you
with a nine-inch dong.
Yo, that's--
[phone ringtone] Hey, Amar
Pick up the phone
It's me, Gemma
I know you're alone
Thanks for making
this beat for me
So I can call you
and tell you what--
ANNIE: Hello!
STRETCH:
Annie, where the fuck are you?
Bring my car back right now,
you fucking psycho.
Bitch I don't have your car.
I don't know what you're
talking about.
Bring my car back right now
or I am gonna call--
GEMMA: I am gonna take
all of your things
and I'm gonna empty it out
in the street.
STRETCH:
Don't smoke in my fucking car!
GEMMA: We're gonna call
the police on you!
STRETCH: I'll throw all your
shit out on the street if you
don't come back.
Biatch!
[phone chimes]
Oh, Stretch, buddy, looks like
someone wants you to deliver
them some food.
Well, I'm hungry too.
Should we take it or what?
You think?
"Accept" and then
it's confirmed.
Don't worry, man. I would
never put your job in peril.
This looks to be it.
The Beano Cafe.
There better be-no problems
with my order today.
You know, sometimes I think
you're the only ones who
understand me.
Then I realise you guys don't
quite understand me either.
But most of you guys...
[walk signal beeps]
- ...are at least nice to me.
I don't need nobody else.
My Band Car-holics tonight
are the only ones
who matter in this world.
Alright.
[door shuts]
Hello?
Is anyone here?
Hello!
I'm picking up an order.
Oh, there's
no-fucking-body here, man.
What shall I do?
Those look a little past due.
What'd you said?
"Check the cash register."
I'm not a thief.
British food is horrible.
Eughhh.
Stop it, nobody's behind me.
They should be though,
know what I'm saying? [chuckles]
What is this here?
Looks like I found the location
of where Stretch's girlfriend's
been keeping his nuts
and all her previous boyfriends'
as well.
Dare me? Send me 20 bucks
to my cash app, Venmo or PayPal
and I will eat a Covic egg.
Got that pay notificache.
I'll put this Covic
egg in my face.
[mumbles] Oh, it's not good.
WOMAN: Hello? Excuse me.
Hey, sorry, we're closed.
Oh, um... [mumbles indistinctly]
WOMAN: Excuse me.
You can't be back there!
ANNIE: Oh, no, no, no.
Sorry, you need to leave.
ANNIE: Delivery!
WOMAN: You need to--
ANNIE: I'm not a normal person.
WOMAN: Oh, shit, sorry.
That's my fault.
I should have cancelled it.
ANNIE: Yeah, probably.
WOMAN: I'm sorry.
Wait, you're not gonna give
me some food?
WOMAN: We've had a really busy
night. I'll sort out a refund.
ANNIE: Not very socially
distance safe, just sayin',
you know.
WOMAN: Apologies.
ANNIE: Whatever.
At least I got a snack.
WOMAN: Hey!
Have you got a car?
ANNIE: If you're trying to steal
one of my kidneys,
I wouldn't bother,
because those things
don't barely work.
Listen, I just need you to take
my friend somewhere nearby,
the usual guy let us down.
It won't take long.
ANNIE: People do
that, let you down.
Listen, it needs to stay
between us, OK?
I'll pay you extra
but don't mention...
not a word to
anybody, OK, promise?
ANNIE: I promise, yeah...
She's sleeping. I'll just
wake her up.
ANNIE: ...totally.
[softly] Angela, Angela,
sweetheart.
Angela, come on, lovely.
That's it, good girl.
Come on. Let's get up.
Are you OK?
That's it, good girl.
OK. You're OK.
OK, Angela, this lady's gonna
just take you to some
friends, OK?
ANNIE: Nope!
WOMAN: Please, wait, wait!
I'm just desperate.
Wait a minute, please.
ANNIE: No, lady.
Look, please, look, I really
need you to do this for me.
ANNIE: What is this,
some human-trafficking shit?
She's not safe here, please--
ANNIE: No shit!
Half an hour at most.
- ANNIE: Somethin's up here.
WOMAN: Please!
ANNIE: No.
WOMAN: Look, wait, stop, look...
[paper rustles]
You know, a lot of people
don't know this about me
but I'm actually a
really good person.
Lean against the car
for a second. I just gotta
get my key out here.
[car alarm chirps]
- Alright!
Welcome to the Band Car,
Angela - it's your first ride.
Put her little feeters in there.
Oh, great! Good girl.
It's OK, we're safe.
Oh, no, no, no, Angela.
You gotta stay inside for me.
OK, Angela, don't worry.
Just sit back.
And there we go.
Let me get a pen,
cos I'm taking a trip with--
Fuck! Come on.
Yeah, it's alright.
You stay in there.
I'm gonna put
the child-locks on.
OK, this is Angela.
Her and I are taking a trip
to 214 Timberline Way.
RINGTONE: Hey, Amar,
pick up--
- Oh, shit.
It's me, Gemma
I know you're alone.
I don't fucking
need this, Stretch.
Suck it, bro. I'm busy.
What, pray tell, is
at 214 Timberline Way?
Is it a blood sex orgy?
[distorted echo]
Is it an adrenochrome-harvesting
Tupperware party?
Will the Queen be there
selecting innocent
children to eat?
You're being awfully
tight-lipped.
But let's go...
We're cruising down the street
[rhythmic beats under]
Looking for a bad brow
Bad bro, get him in the backseat
Me and Angela want the skeet
Yes, we do,
Yes, we do
I said, yes, we do - I do too
What the fuck could
the smell be?
That is trying to arrest me
Pull over, it's the smell police
Yo, somebody help me, please.
[sniffs] What is that?
Oh, fuck! This
bitch shat herself.
She's fucking shitting.
I can hear it, I can taste it.
It's like she's shitting
directly into my mouth!
[she groans]
[she shrieks]
Fucking kill myself.
[Angela mutters & groans]
[Annie sobs theatrically]
Oh, god.
Oh, fuck, Angela!
Come on. Gimme your hand.
It's alright.
Come on, Angela. Keep up.
[door shuts]
ANNIE: Dicks in my ass.
Come on.
Alright, alright, very good.
Excuse me, sir.
Can we use your rest room?
MAN: Er, just sign in
on the Track 'n Trace.
ANNIE: Um...
[Angela groans]
ANNIE: Fuck, Angela!
Shit, no, no, no, no.
[Angela groans]
ANNIE: [whispers] Fuck!
Omigod, Angela.
See, this is what happens
when you're wearing a mask
for too long, I feel like.
I don't know.
Huh?
WOMAN: Angela?
Angela!
ANNIE: [whispers] What the fuck?
[Angela moans]
WOMAN: Angela!
[bashes door]
[loud crashing]
[Annie shrieks]
ANNIE: Leave me alone!
[scuffling]
[Annie shrieks]
[thud]
[she whimpers]
ANNIE: Oh, gross!
[woman roars]
[Annie shrieks]
[she gasps.
Oh, fuck! Shit on my balls.
WOMAN: Angela?
Come with me.
[tv plays in background]
ANNIE: [whispers] Fuck you,
you fucking psycho cunt.
[thudding]
[whispers] This is
fucking insane.
[loud crash, glass shatters]
[Annie shrieks] Fuck.
[she grunts]
[whispers] Fucking
nightmare world.
[loud crash, utensils rattle]
ANNIE: What the fuck is this?!
- [woman roars]
ANNIE: Get out! Fuck off!
- [woman roars]
[woman roars]
[Annie shrieks]
[loud thud, flesh tears]
[liquid fizzes]
ANNIE: You fucking...ho.
[Annie gasps & grunts]
[she yells out]
What the fuck is happening?
Did I just kill that bitch?
Omigod, omigod, omigod.
What the fucking fuck!
[car pulls up]
STRETCH: Thanks, mate.
Annie! Annie!
ANNIE: Fuck off, Stretch,
not now!
STRETCH: Annie, Annie.
ANNIE: How the fuck
did you find me?
And who the fuck is she?
ANNIE: Who the fuck are you--
[she shrieks] What the fuck?!
[clattering]
ANNIE: Come on,
no. We gotta go--
[Annie & Stretch
argue indistinctly]
[loud thud]
I'm going, I'm going, I'm going.
ANNIE: Oh, fuck!
STRETCH: Alright,
I'm going, I'm going, I'm going!
Welcome back to Band Car
the internet's number 1
live improvised music show...
Talk to me!
- ...broadcast from
a moving vehicle...
Stop livestreaming.
- So much excitement...
Who is this woman?
- ...it's coming out my ears...
...my rear...
- Why does my car smell of shit?
Actually it was coming
out of her rear.
Who is this woman, seriously?
What's your name?
ANNIE: I think they're
gonna kill her!
STRETCH: Shut the fuck up.
That's why we have
to rescue her.
- STRETCH: Who?
Who is gonna kill her?
- I don't know who it is.
STRETCH: What are
you talking about?
- If it's antifa,
it's an evil cabal.
STRETCH: A fucking cabal?
What are you talking about?
I don't know who it is.
STRETCH: Excuse me,
what's your name?
ANNIE: Angela, please tell us--
Her name's Angela.
STRETCH: Where do you come from?
ANNIE: Why are you
being silenced?
Why do you have
an Ariana Grande tattoo?
I'm taking her back
to where we were.
ANNIE: No, you're not.
STRETCH: Jesus! Fuck!
[car wheels screech]
Get out of my fucking car
right now.
- Don't touch me, bro!
Get the fuck out
the car right now.
- Alright! Shut up!
STRETCH: Fuck! You are
such a fucking nightmare.
ANNIE: Oh, shut your--
[car door slams]
[Annie & Stretch
argue indistinctly outside]
[argument continues outside]
[car whooshes by]
[argument continues outside]
[muffled seeping]
[car whooshes by]
[electronic static]
[car whooshes by]
[car door slams]
STRETCH: She's fucking damaged.
ANNIE: Oh, fuck, Angela!
STRETCH: Annie! Annie!
ANNIE: Angela, come back!
[Stretch scoffs]
[car door opens]
STRETCH: See this?
This is what happens when you
let Annie Hardy into your life.
[he groans]
[he strains]
[he gags]
[loud bang on windscreen]
[he gasps]
What the fuck?
[he pants]
[eerie howling outside]
[he whispers] Annie!
[clattering]
[he whispers] Fuck.
[opens car door]
[loudly] Angela.
[twigs crack in the distance]
Angela!
[audio on cam thuds,
his footsteps lurch]
[he pants]
[twig snaps]
[he gasps]
Angela!
[wind whooshes]
[he pants]
[he whispers] Angela!
[he whispers] Angela!
Wha--?! Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck.
[thudding]
[he gasps in fear]
Oh, fuck! [he grunts]
[loud thud]
[he pants]
[he shudders]
[loud thud above]
[he gasps for breath]
[he whispers] Angela.
[he grunts]
[he pants]
[footsteps thud]
[branch creaks]
[he whispers] Fuck you, Annie.
[he grunts with effort]
[he grunts again]
[gently] Angela.
[he grunts] Shit, fuck!
[he grunts]
Angela.
Fucking shit in my ca--
[branch snaps]
[he yells out]
[loud crash]
[electronic static]
[clattering]
[he grunts]
[owl hoots]
[he grunts again]
[footsteps stumble]
Oh, fuck.
[owl hoots]
Shit.
Stretch, she found us!
She's here!
STRETCH: Huh?
[gunshot]
[they shriek]
ANNIE: Run!
WOMAN: You fucking bitch.
Annie, what's happening?
ANNIE: What the fuck?
STRETCH: Annie, wait!
[she screams]
[gunshot, they scream]
WOMAN: Fucking cunt.
ANNIE: Shit!
[footsteps thud]
They're coming for us!
[gunshot]
[she screams]
STRETCH: Annie!
Annie, what's happening?
ANNIE: [sobs] I don't know!
STRETCH: What the
fuck is happening?
ANNIE: Fucking Antifa bitch!
[she pants]
[footsteps thud]
ANNIE: Oh, yeah.
[she whispers] Come on, come on.
Did we lose her?
STRETCH: Fuck me!
ANNIE: What the fuck is
her problem?
[loud thud]
STRETCH: Ow! [he groans]
Oh, fuck! [he gags] Fuck!
ANNIE: Shh. Shut the fuck up.
[she whispers] Stretch,
your foot.
[he gasps] Oh, shit.
Oh... oh fuck.
ANNIE: Stop being
a little bitch.
[he gasps in pain]
[she whispers indistinctly]
[he pants]
WOMAN: Angela.
ANNIE: Turn off
the fucking light.
[they breathe heavily]
WOMAN: Angela.
ANNIE: [whispers] Shit.
WOMAN: Angela.
[closer, louder] Angela!
STRETCH: Fuck!
ANNIE: [whispers]
She's fucking coming.
STRETCH: Get under the cover.
[thudding]
STRETCH: What the fuck
is this woman?
ANNIE: Shh.
[door opens]
[footsteps echo]
[screeching in distance]
[footsteps recede]
[panting]
WOMAN: Angela!
[they breathe heavily]
ANNIE: [whispers]
Do you have a boner right now?
STRETCH: [whispers] Fuck you.
[wind whips]
STRETCH: [whispers] Annie!
[louder]
Annie, what the fuck was that?
What about Angela?
- She'll be fine.
What? We need to get...
At least help her.
You're all "Black Lives Matter",
you fucking do it.
[loud thud]
[he grunts] Oh, fuck!
ANNIE: Sorry! I'm sorry,
I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry.
Harvesting the energy,
the healing powers of Nature
from this tree...
...and now...
[Stretch gasps]
...I can bestow them
upon your foot.
[she chants musically]
Taking out the AIDS.
STRETCH: Ow.
[she grunts & strains]
Got it. I got the AIDS
right here in my hands...
AIDS, AIDS, AIDS, AIDS!
- Fuck off! Fuck off, Annie.
Stop that, Annie.
ANNIE: AIDS!
[she whispers]
Did you hear that?
[twigs snap nearby]
[ringtone] Hey, Amar...
[Annie & Stretch gasp]
...pick up the phone
It's me, Gemma--
- It's your stupid
bitch girlfriend.
...Road... I'm gonna
call the police, OK?
ANNIE: [mocking] "Yeah,
and the doctor called today
"and he said there's
nothing can be done
"about your anal prolapse.
"That pink sock
is sticking around for life."
"Oh, man, this is
terrible news."
"Yeah, I didn't want to have to
break it to you while
you're out."
"Oh, god, what am I gonna do?"
STRETCH: I'm with her now,
actually.
I think she's got
something to say to you.
ANNIE: Uh-uh.
[whispers] Fuck!
[softly] Hi, Gemma, it's Annie.
Hey, I'm fine.
Just wanted to say
I was really sorry.
Yeah, I'm sorry that you're...
...hypnotised by
the mainstream media that
you think you're anti-fascist.
STRETCH: What the fuck
are you doing?
But you're actually a fascist
because you won't let people
like me have our own beliefs.
What the fuck are you saying?
- I'm so sorry!
I'm so sorry!
STRETCH: Fuck's sake.
ANNIE: Porridge!
..."storage"..."lozenge".
"Lozenge" rhymes with "orange"
sort of.
STRETCH: Hey, Annie,
I've got one.
ANNIE: "Lozenge".
STRETCH: "Shut the fuck up."
ANNIE: Orange.
ANNIE: I'm driving,
bitch, because...
STRETCH: You're not driving.
ANNIE: ...you are too cripple.
Everybody knows Annie Hardy
wants to see my nipple.
Um--
STRETCH: [whispers] You should
go see if she's alright.
ANNIE: [whispers]
You're the fucking man.
You're supposed to go.
STRETCH: [whispers] I'll
just drop a pin.
We'll call the police--
ANNIE: [whispers]
You are such a fucking pussy.
Alright, fine, I'll go.
[car door shuts]
ANNIE: Angela.
[she calls out] Angela.
Angela.
STRETCH: Annie!
[she wails]
STRETCH: What's going on?
[car door opens & closes]
ANNIE: Her fucking mouth!
She's trying to say something.
STRETCH: Got a woman in the car
bleeding from the mouth.
WOMAN OVER PHONE: I need the
address of the emergency.
ANNIE: It's OK, I'll
take this off.
STRETCH: We're about 20 miles--
ANNIE: Omigod!
Fucking shit on my dick!
[Annie wails]
- Annie, tell me
what's happening!
ANNIE: Fuuuck! There's blood
coming out of her mouth!
STRETCH: What? Why is there
blood coming from her mouth?
There's fucking staples in it,
you fuck-ass.
What? Shut up for a second!
Give me the fucking camera.
ANNIE: Fuck yourself right now!
Oh, fuck! No!
[suction, flesh tears]
[blood sloshes]
[Annie shrieks] Omigod!
[Angela coughs]
[Stretch shouts, Annie shrieks]
[Angela grunts]
ANNIE: Angela, it's OK, it's OK!
[Angela groans]
[Angela snarls]
[Annie shrieks]
[loud slap]
[Annie shrieks]
STRETCH: What the fuck
is happening?
[Annie continues shrieking]
[emergency operator on phone]
[Angela hoiks loudly]
[car engine revs]
[Annie screams]
[loud crash, glass shatters]
[she pants]
[man groans]
ANNIE: Omigod.
[man grunts & groans]
[loud explosion]
[man shrieks in terror]
[fire roars]
[alarm whoops]
[man shrieks]
ANNIE: It's OK,
it's OK, it's OK.
[man continues shrieking]
ANNIE: It's OK, it's OK,
it's OK!
MAN: [screaming] Help me!
ANNIE: What the fuck.
Ow! Fuck off.
[she shrieks]
[thudding]
[alarm continues whooping]
[coughing]
ANNIE: Angela!
[alarm continues whooping]
[coughing continues]
ANNIE: Help!
[fire roars]
Stretch, help! Help me!
[she coughs] Help! Help!
[she shrieks]
[Annie gasps and coughs]
ANNIE: What the fuck?
[Annie shrieks]
[Angela snarls]
[Annie shrieks]
[electronic static]
[Angela groans]
ANNIE: Fuck no, fuck, get off!
[Angela continues groaning]
[Annie coughs]
The fuck was that?
[she pants]
Stretch!
[car idles nearby]
[she shudders]
Hey...are you alright?
[loud pop]
[Annie shrieks]
[airbag hisses]
[Annie breathes deeply]
[car continues idling]
I'm sorry.
I'm sorry.
[coughing nearby]
ANNIE: Stretch.
I took some of your cigarettes.
ANNIE: [softly] It's OK...
...it's OK.
[she sniffles]
Hey, um...
...I thought of a word
that rhymes with "orange".
Set me up.
[she sniffles]
Come on, set me up.
- What?
ANNIE: I thought of a word
that rhymes with "orange"
but I need you to
set me up, though.
[he scoffs]
Packed like a...f-fruit bowl...
...all full of orange.
I won't take no vaccine,
from a fucking syringe.
[she whispers] Do another one.
Come on.
Hangin' off the wall...
...like a door on the hinge.
Everyone in town knows your mom
has the stinkiest minge.
Get me a beer, I
wanna be on a binge.
Uh, your rhymes are so bad
they make my butthole cringe.
[he chuckles]
[she sniffles]
Give me another one.
If you had red hair,
then they'd call you a ginge.
[Angela howls]
STRETCH: Omigod!
[flesh tears]
[Annie shrieks]
[Angela snarls]
ANNIE: Ah, fuck off, get off me!
[Stretch grunts]
[loud crack]
[Angela howls]
Come on.
ANNIE: What the fuck?
[footsteps thud]
[Angela howls]
STRETCH: Yeah, right.
[footsteps thud]
[eerie howling]
[they breathe heavily]
[car approaches]
ANNIE: Help us! Help!
STRETCH: Hey!
STRETCH: Help us! Help!
ANNIE: Oh, please. Oh, god.
ANNIE: Help us.
STRETCH: Help us.
Shit!
STRETCH: What the fuck are
you doing? Where you going?
[loud crunch]
[glass shatters]
[rain patters]
[car pulls up nearby]
[rain patters]
[car door slams]
WOMAN: I'll find you,
you fucking bitch.
[rain pours]
[clattering]
[rustling]
[gunshot]
[Annie shrieks]
WOMAN: I see you,
you fucking cunt!
[Annie pants]
WOMAN: You can't run!
[Annie pants]
[she shrieks]
[she continues
breathing heavily]
WOMAN: You're gonna fucking die!
[wind whooshes]
[water splashes]
WOMAN: Give her back to me!
[Annie breathes loudly]
WOMAN: Hey!
I've got your friend.
If you don't come out,
I'll blow his fuckin' head off.
[Stretch groans & begs]
[clattering]
[she sobs]
WOMAN: I'll find you,
you fucking cunt.
WOMAN: Come out or
I'll fucking kill him.
[gunshot]
ANNIE: [whispers] Stretch.
WOMAN: The next one
goes in your fucking skull.
[Stretch groans]
WOMAN: Where is she?!
Where's your cunt friend?
STRETCH: Annie!
ANNIE: [whispers] Stretch.
[water splashes]
WOMAN:
Where is she? Give her back!
[Stretch groans]
[Stretch screams and groans]
ANNIE: [whispers] Shit.
WOMAN: Where is she?
WOMAN: Tell me!
[loud thud]
[Stretch groans]
[Annie pants]
WOMAN: She's a fucking child!
[loud thud]
[Stretch groans]
Sick fuck!
[loud thud]
[Stretch groans]
ANNIE: Oh, shit on my balls,
shit on my balls.
WOMAN: Hey!
- Shit on my balls,
shit on my balls.
WOMAN: Hey!
[engine revs]
Eat my fuckin' ass, bitch!
[gunshot]
[tires screech]
[loud crash]
[glass shatters]
[Annie groans softly]
Oh, fuck!
[gunshot]
[car alarm blares]
[gun cocks]
[Annie shrieks]
[gunshot]
[car alarm blares]
[Annie shrieks]
[scuffling]
[car alarm blares]
ANNIE: Stretch!
[loud thud]
- Start the car.
WOMAN: No!
[car alarm blares]
[Annie grunts]
[Stretch grunts]
[car alarm blares]
ANNIE: Eat shit!
[flesh tears]
[woman screams]
ANNIE: Omigod, gross!
[she retches]
[car alarm continues blaring]
[woman sobs]
ANNIE: Give me the camera.
Film me with this stupid bitch.
STRETCH: I'm gonna
call the police.
- No! What are you, white?
Come on, this is the best
episode of Band Car ever!
STRETCH: Don't hit me!
Hi, I'm Annie Hardy.
We're live on Band Car
with this psychopath bitch
who just tried to kill us.
Ma'am, can you tell us why
you've tried to murder us today?
[she snarls]
ANNIE: Alright!
[loud thud]
- Watch it, bitch.
[she shrieks]
- Annie, this is fucked up.
ANNIE: Do you like that shit?
[woman whimpers]
Please don't
make me do that again.
[woman whimpers]
- You seem to be hurt.
Tell me where the pain is.
[groans] Fuck you.
[distorted echo]
Where did he touch you?
Show me on the doll.
[loud thud]
STRETCH: Fuck!
Well, that's what you get
for getting too clos--
[she shrieks] Whoa!
- I'll fucking kill you.
STRETCH: Fuck off her. Get off!
- I'll kill you.
ANNIE: Relax!
[kicks]
[woman groans]
STRETCH: What the fuck
do you want?
Angela!
[distorted echo]
She's 16.
Please...
- STRETCH: What are
you talking about?
She's my daughter.
[distorted echo]
Please give her back.
ANNIE: I'm not a math whiz,
but this seems
highly improbable, ma'am.
STRETCH: She's fucking old.
- No. No, she's 16. Please...
Ma'am, you must be rocking some
sort of Benjamin Button vagina.
Can we have a look?
- Shut up.
[she gasps] Back pocket.
You keep your vagina
in your back pocket? [laughs]
You told him to do it.
Don't #metoo him later.
Let me see
this sundried tomato snatch.
[Annie laughs]
STRETCH: What?
[Annie laughs helplessly]
- What the fuck are you doing?
[she continues laughing]
- Fuck, Annie!
It's fucking real.
- What you talking about?
[she laughs]
It's really Angela! Look, look.
It's the Ariana Grande tattoo,
I've seen it...
STRETCH: Why are you talking
about Ariana Grande?
...at the diner. She's got
the same Ariana Grande tattoo.
WOMAN: Angela!
Angela!
STRETCH: Oh, fuck!
ANNIE: Leave her,
we've gotta go!
STRETCH: Come with us.
ANNIE: We gotta get outta here.
- [flesh tears]
Oh, fuck. Fuck this bitch.
- You're not gonna help her?
[Annie shrieks]
STRETCH: Stay away from her.
WOMAN: Angela!
STRETCH: Don't go near her!
WOMAN: I've got you, baby.
STRETCH: Fuck!
[electronic static]
[Angela howls]
STRETCH: Get in the car.
[static crescendos]
[howling continues]
STRETCH: Go, Annie!
ANNIE: What the fuck!
That bitch's head!
[howling continues]
STRETCH: Annie!
Annie! Wait!
[he pants]
Annie! Annie, wait.
[electronic static]
- Fuck!
[Stretch grunts]
- [electronic static continues]
[thudding]
[he grunts rhythmically]
[he gasps]
[thudding]
[he grunts]
[metal clanks]
[he strains]
[he shouts out]
[thudding]
[he grunts repeatedly]
[loud thud]
[he gasps]
[he strains]
[he exhales]
[thudding]
[he pants]
[scrabbling]
[he grunts with effort]
[footsteps crunch]
[wind blows]
[metal clangs]
[he grunts]
[plastic clatters]
[he whispers] Oh, Jesus Christ.
[he whispers] Annie!
[wind whips]
[he gasps] Oh, fuck me.
[eerie creaking]
STRETCH: Hello?
- [phone chimes]
WOMAN ON PHONE: Sorry, your
call could not be connected.
Please try again later.
[muffled voices]
STRETCH: Annie!
[plants rustle underfoot]
[he pants]
[he grunts]
[gate clatters]
[low clanking]
[he pants]
STRETCH:
Annie! Oh, fuck.
Annie!
[he pants]
Annie, wake up.
Annie! Annie!
[loudly] Annie!
[thudding]
Annie.
[he pants]
[spits]
[slaps sharply]
[Annie shrieks]
What's happening?
No, no! What the fuck!
STRETCH: It's alright, it's me.
Annie...
ANNIE: Fuck you.
STRETCH: Annie, I'm sorry.
I'm sorry!
It's not fucking funny,
you narc.
STRETCH: Fuck! Annie, come on.
[door slams]
[he grunts]
[door slams]
[he whispers] Annie.
[he whispers] Annie!
[muffled rattling]
[loud clank]
[he shudders]
[he whispers] Annie.
[muffled fairground music]
[loud thud]
"I'm sorry."
I'm sorry
you're such a libtard idiot...
STRETCH: I'm sorry, I'm sorry.
...and your fucking girlfriend's
such a stupid bitch.
Stop it.
- Give me that phone.
Give me the phone!
[clattering]
[Annie shrieks]
[eerie howling]
[musical creaking]
[Annie pants]
[eerie howling]
[metal creaks]
[lights power up]
[chimes tinkle]
[fairground music plays]
STRETCH: Annie!
[Annie pants]
STRETCH: Annie!
Follow my voice.
[Annie pants]
ANNIE: Stretch!
STRETCH: Annie!
[she struggles to breathe]
STRETCH: Come on, come with me.
Annie!
[she whines]
STRETCH: Breathe!
[she sobs]
[he whispers]
It's gonna be fine.
You just need to breathe.
STRETCH: Annie... you're
Annie fucking Hardy, right?
What are you always telling me?
You've got bigger balls
than me, right?
ANNIE: I know!
STRETCH: How big are my balls?
ANNIE: [sobs] Your balls
are small.
My balls are fucking tiny, OK?
[he whispers] Come on! I was
the one who got hit by a car.
ANNIE: It's not a competition.
Let's get out of here.
OK, you're kinda being
a bit of a pussy right now.
Come on, follow me.
It's this way.
[thud]
STRETCH: Ow.
[she laughs]
STRETCH: Fuck me!
ANNIE: Retard.
[loud crash]
[glass shatters]
[eerie howling]
[Annie & Stretch scream]
ANNIE: Stretch!
STRETCH: Annie!
[howling continues]
ANNIE: Stretch!
- Help me, Annie!
[flesh tears]
[Stretch groans]
[Annie shrieks]
[Stretch gurgles violently]
[he continues gurgling]
[Annie shrieks]
[eerie howling]
[footsteps thud]
[Annie pants]
[she gasps for breath]
[Annie yells out]
[loud crash, glass shatters]
[song plays on car stereo]
[car engine revs]
[Annie shouts in frustration]
[clattering]
VINNY VAGUESS:
You've seen a lot of things
You're not sure
what they mean
You spend your whole life
finding out
Come on, fuck-ass.
[song fades in and out]
[static]
Oh, c'mon, dude.
[loud crash]
[she shrieks]
[clattering]
Oh.
Fuck!
[clattering]
[electronic beeping]
- Ugh.
[beeping continues]
- God, why do you hate me?
Lord, I repent of my sins
of lust, rage, blasphemy--
[Angela screeches]
[Annie screams]
[Angela snarls]
ANNIE: No! No!
[scuffling]
ANNIE: Fucking bitch!
[she screams]
[Angela snarls]
ANNIE: Fuck off,
you stupid bitch!
[grunting]
[loud kick]
[Angela hisses & squeals]
[she snarls]
Wear your mask, bitch.
[Angela mutters]
ANNIE: What?
[loud bang]
[Annie shrieks]
[she shrieks again]
[car clatters]
[Annie grunts]
[eerie whooshing]
ANNIE: Holy shit, no!
[loud crash]
[water rushes in]
ANNIE: Help!
[water rushes]
[Annie inhales sharply]
[Annie gurgles]
Help!
[water rushes]
[she yells out]
[she screams]
[she coughs] Help!
[she strains]
[she shrieks underwater]
[she gasps & coughs]
Oh, fuck.
[eerie howling]
[Annie shrieks]
[she shrieks]
[howling continues]
[Annie yells]
[loud thud]
[piercing scream]
[spurting]
[Annie yells] Oh, shit. Sorry!
[water rumbles]
[water pours]
[Annie whimpers]
[water pours]
[Annie gasps raggedly]
[she gasps for air]
[water bubbles]
[she gasps for air]
Oh, fuck.
[she gasps] Oh, fuck.
[she gasps] Oh, fuck.
[she continues gasping]
[she coughs]
[she whimpers]
[she groans weakly]
[she continues groaning weakly]
[she sobs]
[she continues sobbing]
[she continues sobbing]
[she sniffles]
[wind whips]
[she sniffles]
[she howls] Ow, ow, owww!
[she sighs]
[she sniffles]
[she sniffles]
[she grunts]
[rustling]
[she grunts]
[wind whips]
[loud knocking]
ANNIE: Hello!
[she rattles door]
ANNIE: Hello?
[wind whips]
Hello?
Hello--
[she sings]
I guess this is my house now
This is where I'll stay
Come on, I'm having a party
At 214 Timberline Way.
[gasps] Shit on my dick. Fuck!
Oh, fuck shit!
[doors slam]
[she shrieks]
[she gasps]
[door slams]
ANNIE: Fuck!
[Annie whimpers]
[low cough nearby]
ANNIE: Oh, come on.
[metal tears flesh]
[Annie screams]
Fuck!
[eerie howling]
ANNIE: Get the fuck off me,
you incontinent old bitch!
[Annie shrieks] No!
[metal tears flesh]
[Annie shrieks]
[Angela snarls]
ANNIE: Fuck you,
you stupid bitch!
[loud squelching]
[thud]
[Annie pants]
[she grunts]
That's what happens when you
fuck with Annie Hardy, you
stupid-ass b--
[loud crash]
[Annie shrieks]
[Annie fumbles & shrieks]
[rumbling & squelching]
[she whimpers & strains]
[she pants & gasps]
[she whimpers]
[door clatters]
[low rumbling]
[eerie cries from behind]
ANNIE: [whispers] Oh, fuck!
[loud snarling]
[she shudders]
[Annie gasps for breath]
[low rumbling continues]
[eerie echoes]
[she pants]
[her breathing slows]
[she pants]
[low rumbling]
[she pants]
[clattering]
[she shudders]
[gate rattles]
[gate rattles]
[she strains]
[loud bang]
[Annie shrieks]
No!
Shit in my mouth.
Cum in my asshole.
[eerie howling]
ANNIE: Uhh, ugh!
[scuffling]
[she cries out]
[she pants]
ANNIE: Shit on my tits.
Fuck me in the--
What?
Huh.
Fuck! Come on. Keys, keys, keys.
Keys on--
[she gasps]
Please help me find his
fucking keys, please, angels.
[loud crash]
[eerie howling]
[shuffling]
[creature howls]
ANNIE: [whispers]
Fuck off, fuck off, fuck off.
[she pants]
[eerie rattling & howling]
[loud thud]
[eerie howling]
[distorted rumbling]
[she grunts]
Oh, what the fuck?
Yes!
[creature roars]
[Annie shrieks]
ANNIE: Fuck you,
you fucking semen demon!
[she gasps rhythmically]
[thud]
Ah!
[engine starts]
[door slams]
ANNIE:
Are you fuckin' kidding me?
[she yells and kicks]
[car alarms blare]
- Oh, shit!
[she gasps]
[car alarms blare]
[eerie howling]
[clattering]
[deep roar]
[keyboard plays funky beats]
- Fuck! Shut up, shut up,
shut up!
[creature roars]
[Annie shrieks]
[car alarms continue blaring]
[Annie gasps]
[creature retches]
ANNIE: Get fucked! Why?!
[keyboard continues playing]
[car alarms continue blaring]
[creature snarls]
[keyboard continues playing]
ANNIE: You fucking...
...piece...of...shit.
[car alarm blares]
- Suck...my...dick.
[she sighs]
[softly] Oh.
"Annie, are you OK?"
Killing 'em like OJ.
If the glove does not fit,
you must acquit.
And if your name's Annie Hardy,
then you must be the shit.
[coughs]
[keyboard electronica]
Fuck these credits, bitch.
Band Car styleee.
[electronic beats play under]
What, did you know that Rob
Savage could really fuck a ho?
He got a dick so big,
his Douglas Cox hits.
You in the back of your throat
and shit.
Jason Blum, had
sex with his mum,
I gotta call him "honey"
just to make him cum.
Yo, is that sick?
No, all in the fam.
We like to keep it
incestuous, man.
Brenna Rangott,
sourcream crotch,
nobody wants to tell you
it stanks, slut.
Gemma Hurley, hurling... buckets
of her own vaginal stink.
Jed Shepherd, he catches
it right in the mouth,
like a lewd little dog,
wont you sit down now.
Anyway, Jennifer Trent,
she's got Dale Slater,
open and bent right over.
And Alexi's on the ground,
on all fours, getting down.
Calum Sample, they call him that
cos he's got a sample
of every guy in England's jizz
in his asshole -
it's just crazy.
[beats continue under]
Drew O'Neill,
I know how he feels.
They don't call him
Drew "O'Kneel" for nothing,
you know what I'm saying.
Heather Basten,
wouldn't you know,
you better eat that pussy
if you want the role.
How you think I got here,
I'm the best.
All the lesbians know -
they put me to the test.
Lina, I don't know what
the fuck your last name is,
it sounds crazy
like some dude's anus
that fell inside out -
they call that a "pink sock".
Yep, Annie Hardy,
that bitch rocks.
Amar, I'mma tell you what.
There's a willow in your butt,
better pull that out.
Me and Angela, we know the truth
and everyone else,
ha-ha, doesn't.
Seylan, say it again,
I can't understand the
motherfucking Scottish accent.
That shit is thick
like James Swanton's dick.
[siren wails]
Here's the ambulance,
they came to fucking pick
up Caroline Ward,
take her to the morgue.
That bitch is dead from
getting fucked like a whore.
Hey, Jemma Moore,
she still wants less
of dude's dicks
right up in her ass.
These motherfuckers
wearing masks - alone?
Shut the fuck up,
everybody go home.
Mojave, dry as a
desert can't stop me.
Edward Linard, every time
someone farts he gets hard,
I don't know what that's about.
Joshua Higgott,
knows well that George Keeler
is a booty feeler.
And Faith Kiggundu,
she really needs her
pipes cleaned,
if you know what I mean?
Freddie Senner is
a sinner indeed.
Yep, Nate Marten, doin' a kick,
falling off a building,
right on a dick.
Anna Thornley,
my beautiful stunt double,
tits so big almost
got us in trouble.
Bethan Clark is not a narc,
she fell down, and
she fell real hard.
And Rajesh making
a mess in some guy's butt,
Farrell Cox, yeah,
he's got two of em.
Double-dick dude,
Tamaira Hesson,
'bout to teach that asshole
a motherfuckin' lesson.
And Ben Ring, another member of
the pedophile ring
of child love.
Deimante "Brriiyyattka" - nobody
speaks that language, brah.
Come on, don't
tell me there's...
OK - ahh! - there's compost.
MAN: There's compost!
- I'm excited!
Yes, Jason Blum,
do you want some cum-post?
I'm so excited, yeah.
I haven't seen
this compost in so long.
Might have to suck it
off some guy's dong.
[keyboard continues playing]
Dave Nolan, shout out -
my guy, my dude -
everybody know he's bi.
Just kidding, nobody
knows, just me.
Except now I just told everyone
so I guess everybody
knows - sorry!
If I put my Claire Adcock
right in your Bingham,
then pulled it out,
put it in your pussy,
you know, that I be, um,
smelling like a Harriet Salmon
the next day.
Me and Millie Wells know
bacterial vaginitis isn't
a joke, hey?
Oh, no, Juan David Martinez,
I want to touch
the dude's penis.
Robert Platt-Higgins,
all I wanna know
are you guys digging
these credits so far?
Robert Kirkwood,
you're gonna be a star.
Billy Ball-ham
look out for the ball ham.
That's the ham that you
eat of some guy's balls.
It's kind of gross
but it's a delicacy, y'all.
Steven Bray, what do you say,
these motherfuckers
don't know about me.
Maybe Abi Ford, cos
we're both whores,
Ricky Casey, wearing shorts.
And Ellie Goff going
off Emily Close,
don't stand too close to me,
you damn hoes.
Dave Nolan doing karate kicks,
kicking Kiel O'Shea
right in the dick.
And Stuart Angell,
he's doing anal,
with Criss Angel,
at the hotel-yo.
In Las Vegas, with Ben Mahoney.
I tell all these motherfuckers,
"Fucking blow me!"
Jamie Nunn,
make you cum in ten-to-none...
...seconds.
So easy,
Ollie Craig's feeling peckish.
Max Gabbay, get him please, some
motherfucking ass shit to eat.
Maria Hardy, are
we... we... related?
Sam Baker,
is that that dude I fellated?
I'm not sure
anymore, Dana Degan.
I'm just trying to get
some dude to eat it.
Shayne Saville,
your uncle used to dibble-dabble
in molesting all the children.
Yes, like
Rob Goldstone, Dan Hodgson,
can we just bone or what?
I know you motherfucking
nasty slut,
I'll call you up, Frances,
we'll be there,
6pm, no pubic hair.
Dan Martin, he'll be there too,
and he'll be cum-cum farting,
bitch, just for you.
Ahh! There's a cat, Peter Rudd.
Look out, Peter Rudd
and Dan Hawkins.
If I run over a cat,
I will scream again.
And then I'll cry, cry.
I don't want a cat to die.
Graeme Clint, with no clit,
Alex Poulter
on some poltergeist shit.
Emma Crome giving dome to Louis
Doran when ain't nobody at home.
And Samuel Dore, life is a bore,
if you don't fuck a dead hooker
right on the floor.
Every night of the week,
until she come queefs,
Tom Carr-Griffin...
...he's a freak, yo.
OK, I don't wanna
do this no more.
Bye.
[door slams]
[music ends]
[GIANT DRAG: Devil Inside ]
You don't know
what you just got in
Friends and family,
never see 'em again
Another hopeless
ghoul to save
You know he loves
you as his slave
So let it ride
Let it ride, ride
Let it ride, the
devil inside
Roll it over now
in the garage
Knowing no one
is a true lost cause
Becoming everyone
you've dated
You're everything you hated
So let it ride,
let it ride, ride
Let it ride, you
got devil inside
Let it ride, let
it ride, ride
Let it ride,
you got the devil inside
Lord, when it goes down
No time to change
your mind now
Slowly he sleeps now
You've got to go,
you've got to run
You've gotta get let it ride
Let it ride, ride
Let it riiiide
You got the devil inside
Let it ride, let
it ride, ride
Let it riiiide
You got the devil inside
Let it ride
You got the devil inside.