Date and Switch (2014) Movie Script

When I was born, I had a thousand legs
Soon I'll be dancing on a different stage
I'll go to sleep inside a silk cocoon
And be reborn into the afternoon
Good singing. Really good shit.
We're not supposed to curse.
We're doing a play.
I'm just saying, it's good shit.
Deep down I know
I have to turn the page
But I wonder
Will I miss my legs?
I've never, ever been so proud.
Honey, there's Matty.
Oh, look at him.
Oh, he's a natural performer.
- Oh.
- Oh.
I don't wanna sing anymore.
Watch this.
- That's different.
- Oh, no, no, no.
Come on. Come on.
Let's get out of here.
Later, motherfuckers!
We'll edit that out. Still proud.
Can't I just go see a nice musical
without it turning into something gay?
Hey, nothing illegal
or unprotected tonight. Promise?
- Dad, that's gross.
- I'm talking about sex.
You wrap that rascal. Make sure
you put a condom on your penis.
- Dad.
- All right, bye, Dad.
- That is a damn fine shirt you got on.
- Yeah, you like it?
Might get a girl pregnant with that shirt.
Well, I usually take my shirt
off first but, you know.
If you meet some nice girls,
party them hard.
- I will. See you.
- All right, kiddo. Go get them.
We be the highest-ranking
Filling up the bank
With Benjamin Franklins
Watch me do my thing, the B-boy
Batarang with the gold tooth swing
I'm strange,
But it ain't the same
Propane in the game
And I blow your brain
Watch me swing and swing
And hang, orangutan
My-my beat's like a bangarang
You got to move your feet
And prove to me
You got the beat,
Reveal your inner freak
A shake isn't a sauce, man.
Oh, no. See, anything can be a sauce
if you put it on something else.
- Open up your mind.
- Whatever, I'm not worried about it.
See, those are the kinds of girls
we need to be going out with.
What would you say to that girl right there
if she came up to you right now?
Hi. Hello.
You're terrific, appearance-wise...
...and I would like to take you out
for a food or beverage situation.
- Damn, that's smooth.
- Mm-hm.
- You been working on your game?
- Obviously.
It's apparent.
I've been going out with Ava eight months
and feel like more of a virgin...
...than before we started dating,
if it's possible.
Oh, it is. You're like a super virgin. You
make other virgins look like huge sluts.
And so do you.
And we need to fix that, dude.
We are due. We deserve adult, mature,
grown-up sexual relationships.
- What toy did you get?
- I got Shelly the Crab.
Well, I got the punching crunching
robot dudes.
- Oh, no.
- Take him out.
Hit him with the left.
Knock him out. Knock him out.
Boom, boom, boom.
- Ladies.
- Dorks.
I like you a lot.
Um, especially your body
and the hotness of that body.
You're a class act.
Potential wife material, if you were, like,
45 years old, all dried-up and shit.
And that's the problem. This relationship's
not progressing quickly enough...
- ...physically speaking.
- Look at you and then look at me.
You know, you're beautiful,
and I'm just kind of a mess.
Are you breaking up with me
because I won't have sex with you?
You call it sex, I call it
a physical expression of our bond.
I haven't showered in six days.
Like Indians becoming blood brothers...
...or football teammates
getting matching tattoos.
Except sex isn't
as permanent as a tattoo.
It's, like, nine minutes, tops.
In and out, like a cat burglar.
It's just....
That's what I am to you,
a hole for you to go in and out of?
No, no, no. I value the person
built around that hole.
- What?
- I'm really sorry.
Ugh, okay. I get it.
- Are we okay? Yeah?
- Mm-hm.
Can I get a little hug going on here?
You can be a real asshole,
you know that?
I could get any fucking guy I want.
I am so much hotter than you.
Do you even fucking realize
how hot I am?
Whoa, whoa, not the gummy bears.
Why don't you go outside
and chill out for a sec?
Fuck you. Why don't you guys
fucking blow each other?
It's the most action
you're ever gonna get anyway.
How was your breakup?
I can't believe we wasted
so much time with them.
The high school chapter of our
sexual lives is rapidly coming to a close.
We need to begin phase two.
We need to get our dicks wet by prom.
Hm. I don't approve of that language.
I'm going crazy, dude.
Eighteen years of nothing.
I don't wanna wake up 20 years
from now with regrets.
"Hey, buddy, sorry I didn't
put you in more things."
- Oops.
- Whoa, heh!
Man. That is a metric ton of weed. Shit.
If we eat that whole brownie we're
gonna immediately grow dreadlocks.
We should go to cooking school
and learn how to make weed cuisine.
I'm talking, like, leg of lamb with, like,
a weed reduction sauce or some shit.
Dude. Oh, what? I have a genius idea.
We should save this brownie and eat it
as a reward for getting laid at prom.
Okay. So it's like our pot
at the end of the rainbow?
Except instead of a pot full of gold,
it's a pot full of pot.
- Yeah, I think that was implied.
- I got it all planned out.
We go to prom, have sex,
eat this brownie... high for a week straight,
then we go to college.
People will be like,
"Those two guys are so awesome.
- They're definitely not virgins."
- Yeah.
Then we move back here,
we get, like, dead-end jobs...
...we retire and we fucking die.
- Time it right, we make it a double funeral.
- Oh, my God. That's a great plan.
- Isn't your dad gonna see this?
- He's a pussycat. He'll love it.
And he's got a new girlfriend now,
so he's a happy boy.
All right, man, um....
I'm gonna head out, but I will see you
tomorrow at band practice.
- All right, dude.
- All right.
Hey, you wanna go for a drive?
Um, I was just gonna go to sleep
after finishing this pair of tits.
No, eh, um, we should definitely
go for a drive.
- Yo, is something wrong, dude?
- No.
Just going for a drive.
All right, listen, man.
All this talking we've been doing..., about sex and the future and, like,
the rest of our lives and all that shit...
...has got me feeling a little guilty.
- Why?
- Look, you're my best friend.
- You know that.
- Heh.
And so, I owe this to you.
Yeah, man. What is it?
I'm a gay dude.
I'm a gay dude.
Like, I'm a gay?
Like "gay" gay?
Like, "dicks and butts" gay?
Or like, "retarded" gay...,
"Man, Nicolas Cage movies are gay"?
No, like, "I'm a dude
who's attracted to other dudes" gay.
- What? No, you're just a dude.
- No, exactly. A gay dude.
I mean, fuck,
you're all out of shape and shit.
Oh, really?
Yeah, no, dude, I fucking know.
Look, I'm not into curtains,
I've never watched the Tonys.
I'm never gonna wear, like,
a deep V-neck T-shirt, but I am gay.
When did you first realize this?
Like, is this a recent development?
No. Fuck no.
You remember when we were kids,
6 or 7 years old...
...we used to give that guy sandwiches
through the fence at school?
Yeah, yeah.
That guy was a homeless guy.
Yeah, and I kind of had a crush on him.
- You were gay for the homeless guy?
- He was ruggedly handsome.
You wanted to fuck a hobo when
you were 7, that's what you're telling me?
That's what I'm telling you.
I wanted to feel the touch
of his dirty hobo hands.
This is crazy.
I mean, you've dated more girls
than I have.
That's more of a you problem.
You tell Em?
Did you tell her before you told me?
Yeah. Yeah.
Look, dude, she's super cool.
I don't wanna fuck up her life
with unnecessary falsehoods.
Wow, fuck.
- You're a gay dude.
- Yeah.
- I'm a gay dude.
- Are you sure?
Know what? I'll think about it for
another 18 years and I'll get back to you.
- Yes, I'm sure.
- All right.
Well, shit, the whole brownie
thing's out the window.
- No.
- Probably wouldn't have broken up...
...with Ava without our whole big plan.
She's hot.
Yeah, and so out of your league.
Dude, have you seen her boobs
and her stomach area?
Like, her stomach
is almost as hot as her boobs.
Right? Can you even
wrap your brain around that?
Yeah. Yeah, I mean,
it's a tight stomach.
I don't know what to tell you.
Like, it's nice.
No, no, no. Dude, this is fine. It's good.
- I get it. You like dicks now.
- Yeah.
You are a man who aspires to handle
the scrotums of other men in his free time.
Listen, I haven't got that far. I don't
really know how I feel about scrotums.
Look, all I know...
- that this has to stay a secret.
- Yeah.
I'm not ready for, like,
the big gay coming-out shit.
- Know what I mean?
- Sure. Yeah.
And seriously, you can tell me,
like, are we cool?
Yeah, dude.
You're my best friend, man.
- It's cool, man.
- Yeah?
Hey, man, um, I know I dropped a big
fat fucking gay bomb on you tonight.
I don't know if things
ended right or whatever...
...but, uh, look, dude, I don't want shit
to be awkward or weird, you know?
Not that it would be.
But, um, you should give me
a call when you get this.
Long awkward message.
Sorry. Bye.
How do they know that dog is gay?
- Michael, you left your back...
- Oh, God. Oh, God. Oh, God.
- ...pack in the....
- So hello, Dad.
How are things?
They're wonderful, son.
How are things with you?
Well. They're well, thank you.
Excellent. I'm glad to hear that.
- I'm just gonna set this down now.
- Sure. Cool. Cool.
Oh, yeah. Fuck that cock. Yeah.
Is there anything
you'd like to talk to me about?
Oh, no. Nothing. Nothing at all.
Choke on that horse dick. Oh, yeah.
Michael, I want you to know
there's nothing wrong...
- ...with what you're doing.
- I'm not doing what you think.
It's a very natural urge at your age,
a curiosity.
Or, you know,
it could be more than that.
And if it is, I'm 100 percent
okay with that too.
No, you don't have to be okay with
anything because this is nothing. Really.
- Do you wanna talk about it?
- No.
Because this is just a bunch of research.
Nothing more.
Just non-sexual research.
I'm living in your asshole.
That asshole is where my dick lives.
When you're ready
and you wanna talk, I'm here.
I love you and nothing can change that.
Remember that. I'm proud of you.
Oh, yeah. I'm choking on your cum.
Uh, could you knock before
coming in here in the future?
Of course. You stay strong.
Um, if you need space,
you can put some stuff in my locker.
Thanks. There's so much shit in here.
My dad gave me his old cameras
for photography class...
...what I didn't tell him
is for my project...
...I'm actually gonna take pictures
of these cameras using my phone.
- That is so sad for those cameras.
- Yeah, getting old sucks.
- Hey, can I talk to you about something?
- Sure.
So Matty told me about the thing.
What thing?
The thing, about the gayness
in his "payness."
I don't know why I said "payness."
That was weird.
Yeah. Well, good. I'm glad he told you.
He needs people around him that he can
open up to right now, people he can trust.
- I can be that person.
- That's good.
Should I get him a gift or something?
- Balloons or a cake?
- Balloons, probably not.
A cake. You should get him a cake
and you should have it say:
"You're gay, you're fabulous."
- Really?
- No, heh.
- Don't make him feel weird.
- You're right. Nothing has to change.
- Are you okay?
- Definitely. Definitely.
I'm not feeling weird about losing
my best friend to the gay side. All good.
Keep on trucking. We're knuckleheads.
Take it to the bank, sister.
Think about that.
Matty, you're in a band, really?
Oh, yeah, it's a instrumental
TV theme song cover band.
But we don't wanna put a label on it.
Smart. Don't let the man
tell you who you are.
Ever think about adding the
popular part of music, singing?
- Well, yeah.
- Little tip. It might help you in the audition.
Good to know.
- Michael, you need a pen?
- No.
- I'm with him.
- Oh, are you really?
Because you weren't yesterday
at practice when we needed you.
I called you and everyone was like,
"Where is Michael?"
- Can I just talk to you for a second?
- Sure.
I'll turn the volume up
so we can talk without anyone hearing.
So you punched the brownie?
That's not like you.
You love baked goods.
I'm not gonna lie to you, man.
You being gay all of a sudden,
like, without warning, I was a little mad.
And confused.
But I thought about the whole thing.
I've really thought about it
and, you know, it's cool.
Seriously, I even stayed up and fixed
the brownie. I did major structural repairs.
That's awesome, man. Thanks.
It looks even better. I frosted
some dicks and butts on it in your honor.
- Dicks and butts? You're a great friend.
- I'm onboard.
I wanna go on this gay journey with you.
You're my best friend.
Nothing has to change.
We're still... We're on a mission.
We need to
get each other laid by prom.
We need to get these dicks wet, bro,
or whatever you call it with gay guys.
Get shit on your dick?
Get shitty-dicked?
There's probably a better term for it.
So we're doing this, man.
I wanna get you laid.
- You're in, right?
- I'm in.
There's a lot of fish in the sea.
Lady fish and dude fish.
Straight fish and gay fish.
- High school dudes are weird.
- Yeah, not great.
Holy shit. This is it. The mother lode.
Oh, dude. Theater kids?
No, I don't think I should
talk to them right now.
Put your ass out there
if you wanna get something put in it.
I just came out. I have to go talk
to other gay people immediately?
Dude, that's what friends do.
Friends wingman each other.
And I hate that word but it's what I'm
gonna do to you whether you like it or not.
Not that I don't appreciate it.
It's just I think that...
This is an American tradition.
Having sex by prom is a story told over
and over again by our greatest writers.
Huck Finn, Moby Dick, Ulysses, The Iliad,
they're all about having sex by prom.
- No, I don't think they are.
- But it feels like they are.
What about you, man?
You're nowhere near having sex
with anything anytime soon.
I'm pretty sure
I can still hook it up with Ava.
Fuck. That guy?
Come on. One of us is gonna
make some progress today.
Reflections, the center
of Glen Ellen's gay universe.
It's good to be back at a bar.
Did you know that this is one of
my top five favorite bars?
Yeah, it is.
- Oh, thank you.
- Cool, cool, cool.
The only bar in town that doesn't care
how shitty our fake IDs are.
Dude, this is great.
Okay. Well, no wonder they let us in.
Dude, this is bad.
This is really bad. This is like a more
depressing version of a regular bar.
That guy over there looks like
he's having a great time.
Come on. Come on.
- Hey, guys. How's it going?
- Hey, guys.
Are you guys new?
You're probably new.
Everyone here is a regular.
I'd recognize you if you were new.
Yeah, yeah. This is Matty.
I'm Michael. He's gay, I'm not.
- I'm Jared and I'm very gay.
- Yeah, we noticed.
Do you guys go to Glen Ellen?
It's cool. I go to Valley Springs.
Go Panthers.
I feel like I know the scene there...
...and you guys seem like
GHS kids. Boo, Huskies.
- Yeah, yeah, we go to Glen Ellen.
- Awesome.
So do you wanna fuck later?
Holy shit.
Dude, that guy is ready to fuck now.
What's wrong?
He has a ring in his eyebrow
and glitter on his everything.
- So?
- He was too gay.
Don't be homophobic, bro.
- Come on, now, what's your type?
- I don't think I have a type.
Of course you do. What is it?
Look, we should just chill out,
like, have a beer, relax.
- Can we do that, please?
- Yeah, yeah.
- Hi, again.
- Hey, Jared.
It's gonna be a no for the fucking.
Shh, gonna get some E.
Want some E?
- You want some.
- Don't want any ecstasy.
I'll get you some E and then we'll talk.
- E for enthusiasm.
- Yeah, certainly.
- This is useless.
- You're super lucky.
Look, when you're gay,
you get nonstop sex all the time... strings attached. It's amazing.
I'm not gonna just have sex
with anyone because I'm gay.
- I'm gay, I'm not a whore.
- I'm back with your ecstasy, boys.
We were very specific.
We don't want it.
Have you even tried it before?
Oh, my God.
- You're really good at dancing.
- I don't think I'm dancing.
Jared, get out of here.
Leave those guys alone.
Mr. Vernon, you're here?
Yeah, so are you.
We're all here.
Chris, you remember
Michael and Matty from school?
- Hey, guys.
- Mr. Dennis.
- You used to be in my fourth period.
- You gave me a C.
So you're not gonna
talk about this to anyone?
Oh, no, no. Of course not. I think it would
be a good idea if you guys went home.
I can't really talk to you
while you're underage drinking.
- Of course.
- Yeah.
And it'd be nice to keep this quiet
on both ends, if that makes sense.
- Totally understand.
- Yeah.
I really look forward to not making
eye contact with you tomorrow at school.
Dude, Mr. Vernon. I had no idea.
Yeah, and Mr. Dennis?
You think they've done it at school?
Come on, man.
By the way, I appreciate the sentiment.
But this is the worst and only gay bar
I've ever been to.
- Oh, fuck.
- What the F?
- Oh, fuck a duck.
- Oh, shit.
What were you doing?
I'm driving, man. Not my fault
you drive the smallest car in the universe.
What is that? Is that like a Diet Kia?
You could have injured us.
You even care?
You just said "could have."
You've officially acknowledged
that no harm has been done. Okay.
This thing is trashed.
I'm gonna need a new thing.
Look at this.
Now, this is the time when we
get our insurance information.
Um, uh, uh, uh.
No. I'm gonna go ahead
and leave now, okay?
- Dude.
- What the fuck?
Come on.
Hey! Hey, stop.
Yeah, you're not gonna run me over.
- Be cool.
- He just wants to talk.
- Chill, man.
- I'm totally chill. Super chill. I'm very cool.
- You smell like an old tent.
- What's wrong with you?
I have a Baconator
and I wanna get home and eat it.
The fuck's a Baconator?
It's a really delicious sandwich
from Wendy's.
Dude, just give me your information.
- Mike, we should call the cops.
- We can't call the cops.
We're underage
and we had a bunch of beers.
- Did you just...? Did you push me?
- Maybe.
Okay, then it's gonna be go time.
- Which is... It's okay, it's just...
- Oh, shit.
- What was that, dude? You tripped me?
- Heh, yeah, I did.
You tripped me?
Who the fuck trips people?
I do. I took a vow recently
that I would stop punching people.
Because I was doing that too much.
I'm trying to be less violent in general.
So okay.
- He did trip you, like, really well.
- I know, dude. But whose side are you on?
- All right.
- Ha, ha.
Dude, that was actually pretty dope.
I think we're ready.
That's the audition song.
Yeah, yeah. Well, Mike...
...we've actually been having
some discussions...
- ...about the direction of the band.
- What's that mean?
Well, we've been talking.
And we think it's about time we add
some songs with vocals to the set list.
Like Cheers and Charles in Charge.
Saved by the Bell.
Saved by the Bell: College Years.
Yeah, the list goes on and on.
And more importantly,
Mr. Vernon told me:
"You're not playing prom
unless you have a singer."
Yeah, well, that's not what we are.
That's not what we do. So....
- I mean, who would even sing?
- You would.
What? No, I can't.
You have a beautiful voice. You were
the star of that musical in third grade.
Thank you.
But no. No, no way. I mean,
I'm not gonna sing in front of people.
Why do we have to change up things?
Everything's fine the way it is right now.
- Hey, fags.
- Shit, it's your brother.
- Time's up. Get out of the garage.
- It's not 5:00 yet, Lars.
Yeah, well, we're starting early.
Got to nail down this Daughtry medley.
Oh, that's a medley? I thought that was
one incredibly long, incredibly shitty song.
Nice try, Matty. But you can't rile me up.
We're so focused and tight right now.
- Me, Brandon and Chad.
- I'm Mark.
You're 30 and you play
with high school kids.
And our band rules. Now get the fuck out
of the garage so we can practice.
- Fine.
- Come on. I wanna show you my lizards.
All right, Mikey. I have compiled
a list of songs that have vocals.
I want you to learn the lyrics. And next
time we're in here, we'll rock them out.
Okay, so this club is called
Club Monsoon.
And it looks like it's on the Eastside.
Am I gonna end up
with a glow stick up my ass?
Yes, but the man holding that glow stick
just might be your future husband.
- Hello, welcome to Club Monsoon.
- Hey.
- For two?
- Yeah.
Glow sticks.
Do you think these guys know
they're living a clich?
How are you supposed
to meet anybody?
I think you just dance with them until
their dick accidentally slips inside of you.
All right.
Excuse me.
Sir, a little bit of space,
a little bit more space. Okay.
Okay, all right. My fault for being here.
Two mojitos, please.
- Can we hit that?
- It's not what you think it is.
- That isn't some of that dank Kush?
- No, it's salvia.
It gives you the best dream of your life
for 15 minutes, and then it's over.
- Is it safe?
- Well, it's legal.
Whoa, you guys got to be in your
underwear to be in the foam room.
No shirt, no shoes, no pants.
That's our policy.
Shirt? I'm not even wearing a face.
Above and beyond, gentlemen.
It's a waterfall!
This is the best waterfall I've ever seen!
You guys are such good dancers.
Music is shooting out of his body.
It's magical.
What if there was no clocks ever?
What would you do?
What would you do?
If there was no clocks, no time.
- Build a clock.
- Uh-huh.
- Jared!
- Jared!
- Okay.
- Somebody's not wearing panties tonight.
This is the best night of my life!
It was fun. It was fun, right?
Not too bad. Not bad at all.
Just hanging out in there,
just doing stuff.
- Not different from what we usually do.
- What are you talking about?
We were dancing naked with a bunch
of dudes in a room full of foam.
Like that one time
when I made us take tango lessons...
- ...because it'd help us meet girls.
- It's not. This is different.
Different than anything
we've ever done in our lives, ever.
Well, at least, you know,
we're still doing it together.
Yeah, but, dude, is this my future?
A bunch of trips to Club Monsoon?
Is that so bad? They had, like,
cool furniture and lights and stuff.
- It was like Europe in there.
- Not all of Europe is gay.
Whatever. Dude, the important
thing is we're still friends.
We've got the brownie, all that stuff.
Everything is better with lasers
and smoke machines.
You love lasers and smoke.
That was a paradise for you.
Am I wrong? I know you.
I know you better than anyone.
Dude, it was amazing.
It was like Europe.
It was also in the future,
and also, it's a horror movie.
- What are you doing?
- I got locked out of my house.
Can I come in?
She was just texting on her phone
throughout the entire movie.
And I was so mad I was just throwing
popcorn in her face without realizing it.
You haven't been listening
to anything I'm saying, have you?
- No, yeah, I am.
- Wait a minute. Are you high?
- No.
- You totally are.
I can tell.
You're never this quiet for this long.
Yeah. I smoked salvia tonight.
Holy shit. Was it awesome?
- No.
- You seem kind of traumatized.
It's okay. You don't have to tell me
about it right now.
You can tell me about it
whenever you want, really.
You can talk to me about anything,
whenever you want.
- You're patting me on the head like a dog.
- I am doing that. Heh, I'm sorry.
You are drunk.
- Heh, yeah.
- I knew it.
- You're all chatty and shit.
- I killed a bunch of my dad's bourbon.
- Nice.
- And then you came over.
And now we're here,
with cheese and bread.
You, me, cheese, bread, here.
Life sucks.
Yeah, life sucks.
But I guess sometimes it doesn't.
Wait, wait, wait.
What are we doing?
I don't know. What are you doing?
I don't know.
- What are you doing?
- Oh, hey.
- I should go, heh.
- Yeah, heh, you should.
My clothes are over there.
So can you turn around?
Should we talk about
what happened last night?
We were fucked up.
We are, in general, fucked up.
If it had to be with a girl,
I'm glad it was with you.
Thank you?
Reading? I love books.
Books are like word movies.
- What do you want, Michael?
- Nothing, just two friends hanging out.
- Talking, swapping stories.
- You just spit on me.
Did I? Sorry, that happens
when I start talking too fast.
I think some of it got in my mouth.
- Do you wanna go to prom with me?
- What? No.
Okay. I know I dumped you
and that was probably painful...
...but I realized that was a mistake
and I think we can get past that.
- I'm going with Anthony.
- Really?
Or Lucas or Damien. You know, there's
a lot of balls in the air right now, so....
- There are? What happened?
- I'm dating around.
Dating around? You don't...
You don't date around...
That's not... You were...
You know, you were...
- We didn't even get past third base.
- We never got past second.
It's an imprecise metaphorical system.
It's open to interpretation.
- You just spit on me again.
- Sorry.
- I have to go. I'm late for color guard.
- You can't guard colors.
It's a stupid name.
It should be called flag spinning.
Hey, welcome to Catch a Burger.
Those are sweet cargo shorts.
- Thanks.
- May I take your order? I'm Pete.
Yes, I would like a Bacon Symphony
and a large order of fries.
- Okay, 5.66.
- Here you go.
And can I give your change to the Catch
a Burger Courageous Kids Program?
- No, thank you. I'll just take the change.
- I guess you can't afford the 34 cents.
Or you wanted to put it to better use
than Courageous Kids.
I mean....
Yeah, you know what? I'll give
my money to the kids' program. Sure.
For $2, I can make you a Catch
a Burger Courageous Kids Ambassador.
Thank you,
but I'd just like to eat my food.
Yeah, yeah.
- Hey, do you have parents?
- Yeah. Everyone has parents.
Not the Catch a Burger Courageous Kids.
They're orphans, man.
- That's what makes them so courageous.
- $2?
- It's $2.
- Yeah, I have $2.
Thanks so much. Just put it in the box.
- Fill out one of those guys for me.
- Can I order while he's doing this?
- Yeah, yeah.
- Okay.
You know what would be really cool?
If you'd do what he's doing preemptively.
It's 2 bucks, really help a lot of kids.
- I haven't ordered.
- Big man is doing it...
...and he looks like
he has fucking no money.
- Okay. Let's do it. Yeah.
- Thanks, bro.
- I met you at the place before.
- Yes, I struck you with my truck.
- Hey, do you guys have little brothers?
- Um, I have an older brother.
No, I'm talking about
the Big Brother program.
You're the right age.
I've done it for three years.
And it has been the best experience
of my whole life.
Really changed me, you know?
I gotta tell you about my brother, Pirom.
He's from Cambodia.
Came over here on a boat
when he was a baby.
He lost his father when he was 2.
Now he plays the fucking cello, man.
Heh, imagine that.
That guy's incredible.
That guy's like a drug dealer
for the concept of charity.
Um, I think I owe you an apology
for my behavior the other night.
I was not in a good place.
Um, I'd just taken my dog to the vet
because he ate an entire soccer ball.
- Oh, man.
- Yeah.
Well, I'm sorry too.
My buddy gets really nervous sometimes.
- Or all the time.
- Well, I'm very intimidating.
Yeah, I'm the toughest guy you're
even gonna meet outside Reflections.
Okay? Right here. All right.
You, uh, you like that place?
You like that scene?
Um, it was interesting.
Yeah, it was my first time there, so....
Is that a place that you often, uh,
are around or, uh, inside of?
Not much on ambience.
But they do have this one incredible
craft beer that you gotta try.
It's not to be missed.
It's called Bud Light. It's so good.
- I'm Greg.
- I'm Matty. Nice to meet you.
- Nice to meet you.
- Let me tell you about Pirom.
- He came over on a boat....
- Do you wanna watch this one more time?
- Yes.
- Okay.
Em. Em.
- Can you do me a huge favor?
- What?
I need a ride.
Well, thanks for driving me to the shop.
Heh, no problem. I got in an accident
the day I got my license...
...and my parents totally freaked out
so I know what it's like.
- How many accidents have you been in?
- Like, five or six.
Wait, seriously?
Should I be driving with you?
Oh, shit, I got a text. Hold on.
Whoa, whoa, no, no, no.
I'm kidding. I've only been in four.
- You have nothing to worry about, heh...
- Watch the road, please.
- Hey, have you talked to Matty recently?
- No.
He's been acting really weird.
- Really?
- Yeah.
I mean, I know it's not an easy time,
but, um, I don't know.
No English? Can you...?
The bumper, bumpero is no good.
It needs changing. Come back. You can't
just do this. My bumper's messed up.
- Does anyone here speak English?
- What's going on?
I'm screwed. No one here
speaks any English and....
So you're just gonna drive around
with a big old red bumper...
...on your little periwinkle car?
It's gun metal and it might not be
so bad if I drive at night.
No, they messed up your car.
That's unacceptable. Excuse me.
You don't have to, uh....
Don't yell at him.
Heh, thank you.
This shit is so much better
than that American shit.
These guys are Mexican.
They are hardcore.
- Oh, who's this guy?
- Oh, yeah, that is the Super Gato.
- He's like a man-cat thing.
- Shit.
When he beats somebody,
he pours milk on him...
...and then he, like, licks it off.
He calls it "licking the leche."
- No, I'm not into that.
- It's not okay.
That's weird.
- What about this gentleman right here?
- Yeah! Yeah!
That's El Scientifico Loco, it's
the mad scientist. He's my favorite.
He's like the Mexican version
of Stephen Hawking.
And he rolls around in his little chair,
acting like a bitch.
And then he gets bullied and just
rises up and regulates. It's awesome.
Dude, how are you a gay guy?
I don't know. I just am.
- How are you a gay guy?
- I don't know, man.
- This is fun. Like, it's a good time.
- Yeah.
I enjoy hanging out with you, man.
You know, you're like a
good friend-type dude, person thing.
Thank you, man.
Yes. Um, yeah,
it's easy to get a quick lay...
...but the friendship part
is hard to come by.
- Yeah! Yeah, that's it.
- Fuck him up!
Oh, shit.
- Fuck, yeah!
- Fuck you, cat!
Here comes the robot voice.
- What?
- Here comes the robot voice. Hold on.
Yes, you are el campen.
Yeah, you are el campen.
- Oh, shit.
- Bring it in right here.
Okay, yeah.
I shouldn't have had a drink.
I shouldn't have had a drink.
Yeah, okay.
- Meet me in the parking lot.
- Yeah, yeah.
You got it, man.
- Hey, Dad.
- Hey.
- Whoa, what is that?
- That is your mom's anniversary gift.
Another reminder
that I got life by the balls.
- Check it out.
- Is that one of those rotisserie grills?
No, it is the
Ronco Showtime Rotisserie.
I nailed it. She is gonna love it.
You know why?
Women love kitchen stuff.
I mean, as much as we like to deny it
in this PC day and age, it's true.
Men like cars, men like trucks.
This, it's like a truck to her.
Oh, I thought I heard voices.
Oh, my God.
- No, you did not.
- Oh, I did.
- Is that the Ronco Showtime?
- Yes, ma'am.
- Set it and forget it?
- Set it and forget it.
Ha, ha, oh, my God. Daddy, you are
so thoughtful. Come here.
Ha, ha, oh, I am gonna make
the best chicken for you.
The skin is gonna be so crispy.
- Oh, I love crispy skin.
- It is going to be crispiest skin.
Chicky, chicky, chicky.
Oh, my gosh, I'm just so excited.
I'm gonna go print out
my Internet recipes.
- All right.
- Oh, Matty, your father is something else.
- Hey, Matty. What have you been up to?
- What are you talking about?
Last couple days I haven't seen you.
What you been doing?
Nothing. Just, like,
hanging out at home and stuff.
- Why are you being so weird?
- I'm not being weird.
You have an intense, crazy guy look
in your eyes right now.
No, I don't.
All right, I'll see you at practice.
I got to run.
- Where do you have to run?
- I'm gonna assume you're joking now.
You're hilarious.
- And then: Boom, boom.
- Yeah.
- You're late.
- Yeah. Sorry, guys. You pumped to sing?
Actually, I might still need more time.
We don't have very much time.
The audition's in a few days.
- I'm having trouble with these lyrics.
- Dude, it's the Golden Girls theme song.
Everyone knows the lyrics of that.
That shit's iconic.
- Ready, Josh?
- Yeah.
Let's go.
Ba, ba, ba, ba, ba
Thank you for being a friend
Sing a little louder, Mike.
Travel down the road
- Can't hear you.
- Can't hear shit.
Dude, let's just sing.
- Come on, Mike.
- No, man. No, no, no. Stop. Stop. Stop.
Look, this is not what we are. We are an
instrumental TV theme song cover band.
- Yeah. We were, until now.
- I wanna play prom, Michael.
I wanna play this song
and I wanna fuck some chicks.
My fucking is directly linked
to your singing.
Let's do what we usually do.
Look, there's no way we're gonna win if
we don't do the Golden Girls theme song.
- We're all in agreement?
- Fucking A.
- Yeah.
- There you go.
Maybe then we just shouldn't do it at all.
What are you...?
You seriously doing this right now?
Yep. You can't force me to sing.
I'm not a singer.
- Jesus, man. Grow some fucking balls.
- I am. These are my balls.
Me leaving. Those are my balls.
Then I wouldn't sing and we're not even
gonna audition now and it just sucks.
You had a vision. You stuck to your guns.
My entire life is shit.
- You know I asked Ava to prom?
- No.
- Yep. Yep.
- No.
- She is no longer interested, Michael.
- I know.
I never should have broken up with her.
She's got the face of an angel.
The body of an angel.
She is like an angel
that you really wanna have sex with.
Yeah, I wouldn't feel that bad.
She's not really an angel.
Yeah, she is.
I'm gonna tell you something
because I want you to feel like... can just really get over her.
- Okay?
- Okay.
Ava was hooking up with Anthony
before you broke up with her.
- What?
- She was cheating on you.
Damn it.
Damn it.
Well, at least she's super uptight...
...and, you know, she won't let anyone
get past second base.
Yeah, she wasn't that uptight
with Anthony.
What? Did she have sex with him?
I'm sorry.
No. Thanks for telling me.
They also had anal sex.
- What?
- No, I'm just kidding.
I just thought that would make you feel
better about the regular sex thing.
- That actually kind of worked.
- You're welcome.
I'm never gonna touch
another girl again.
- Here we go.
- I am so mediocre.
You're not that mediocre.
Heh, you're gonna be fine.
Ava is my friend, I think.
But even when you guys were going out,
I don't think she ever really appreciated...
...what she had with you... much as someone
who you deserve even better, I think.
- Thank you.
- I mean it.
You want to go for a drive?
I can't believe we go to the same place.
What do you mean?
I've been going there since I was a kid.
Well, it's just boys go to barbers
and girls go to, like, stylists.
- Really?
- Isn't that...? That's how barbering works.
What? Does my hair
really look that bad?
No. It looks great. It's, like, lustrous.
It's like a horse's mane.
- In a good way. Yeah.
- Thanks.
No, I just didn't know that Giovanni
had this ability. He's, like, 100 years old.
Giovanni is the best and I'm proud
to be his only female client.
Okay? So here, imaginary cheers
to Giovanni, clink.
To Giovanni.
He's here.
- What are you doing?
- What are you doing?
Making out with a dude.
What does it look like?
But why do you have to do gay stuff
with the asshole who hit my car?
He's actually a really good guy.
That was a really rough night for me,
I'm sorry.
And what are you doing here
with my ex-girlfriend? That's weird.
- Hi.
- Hey, I'm Greg.
- I'm Em.
- Not a thing. We're just having....
We're just...
We're having a chitchat here.
Two friends talking?
What's the big deal?
And what does it even matter
if you're gay anyway?
- Um, it's the principle.
- This why you're avoiding me?
You've been hanging out
a lot with, uh, Gay-ass Greg?
Yeah, maybe not Gay-ass Greg.
Maybe just Gay Greg or even Greg.
Um, yeah, dude, actually we have been
hanging out quite a bit.
To be 100 percent honest, you've
been so fucking weird about all this shit...
...that I don't know if I wanna hang out
with you 24/7 anymore.
Look, man,
deal with your own shit for once.
Take control of your life
and stop focusing so much on mine.
I'm starting to miss straight Matty.
Straight Matty never would have
snuck around behind my back.
Wake up. I was never straight.
I don't need this pressure
from you, man.
Like, I don't need to get laid by prom
or any of that shit.
- What about the brownie?
- I don't wanna eat your shitty brownie.
Don't talk about the brownie like that.
Bro, seriously,
chill out about the brownie.
I'm not Superman I'm not Spiderman
I'm just trying to be the best I can
So let me be a hero for your heart.
You're the only one for me
You lift me up, you set me free
I'll never leave you standing all alone
Moments of Memory forever!
Uh, I got a new DVD in the mail today.
A TV show called The L Word.
I thought maybe
we could watch it together.
Uh, yeah, maybe later.
I'm gonna go skate right now.
I have some stuff to think about.
All right, let me know
if you ever wanna talk more.
Or if you wanna talk less.
I don't wanna smother you.
- You're not.
- Well, good.
I know life seems complicated sometimes,
but I usually find it gets simpler...
...if you just focus on the things
that have always made you happy.
- Hey, man.
- Thanks for coming.
Of course, man.
What's up?
What made you think of coming here?
- Go-karts. We love go-karts.
- True.
I always find that things get simpler
if you just focus on the things...
...that have always made you happy.
Oh, cool. Cool.
When was the last time we came here?
Like, uh, six years ago?
- Yeah.
- What did the guy say?
Kicked us out and he said something.
- "What did I tell you about bumping?
- Heh.
No bumping, man!"
"If you come back here,
I'm gonna call the cops!"
- It's the same guy.
- Oh, heh.
You'd think he would have
moved on by now.
- You think he remembers us?
- No way, dude.
We were 12 when he last saw us.
Hey. Two, please.
Go sit in there.
Starting the safety instruction seminar.
So, what exactly can you do
to avoid being brutally mutilated...
...on the racetrack today?
That's a dark way to start the session.
I've seen these things crush people's feet.
I've seen them tear off people's fingers.
Once saw a little girl
get her hair stuck in the motor.
Bye-bye, scalp.
Does it have to do with bumping?
No bumping. Bumping is a
one-way ticket to injury land, U.S.A.
And if the carts don't injure you, I will.
I will come out there
and punch you in the face... you don't injure
any of our other drivers.
That's how much I care about the rest.
Wait, wait, wait.
Let me get this straight.
- We should or we shouldn't bump?
- Looks like we got ourselves a comedian.
Well, let me ask you this,
Mr. Comedian. Is this hilarious?
- It's kind of funny.
- Go-kart accident!
Stuttgart, Germany, 2007.
Doesn't even look like a real leg.
It's not real. It's a mock-up that I made
because no one took photos that day.
- Makes sense.
- You bump once, I kick you the F out.
You bump twice, what happens?
Trick question. You can't bump twice...
...because if you bump once
I've already kicked your ass out...
...and you're at home
sitting on your couch alone...
...watching the Food Network,
wishing you hadn't bumped.
Hey! Keep your hands on the wheel!
Put your legs back in the cart!
This is your last warning.
- Get over here!
- Why, hello, old friend.
Would you like to partake
in some light bumping?
I would say that we should
definitely do that.
Okay, then. We should bump.
Gonna bump the shit out of you!
You're done, bro!
No bumping! No bumping!
I remember you motherfuckers.
You bumped more than anyone, I told
you never to come back. You're dead!
- Why didn't we run to our cars?
- I don't know. I just panicked.
- Yeah, me too. He was fucking pissed.
- Yeah.
He was more pissed
than I've ever seen him before.
- I don't think we can go back for 10 years.
- No way.
Dude, I'm sorry about saying all that...
Like, all that stuff wishing
you were straight and all that.
Oh, it's okay, man. I'm sorry
that I said your brownie was shitty.
Oh, no. I know that.
It's not. It's amazing. So....
- Yeah.
- It's actually still in the freezer... the way.
You think this Greg guy is the one?
- He could be your brownie guy.
- Man, I don't know.
- Have you touched his balls yet?
- Come on.
- You like balls. You're a ball guy.
- I never said that.
- You said that.
- I think you made that up, actually.
- Yeah, yeah. I did do that.
- Yeah.
What about you, man?
What do you got going on?
Me? I got....
I actually got someone
I'm thinking about.
Are you...? You're not...?
You're over Em, right?
You're... I mean...
- Dude.
- What?
- Seriously?
- What? You're seriously gonna do this?
You're gonna call dibs
after you've broken up...
...and you're not into persons
with her sexual organs?
No, I'm not calling dibs. I mean, I just...
Like, I feel like it's weird, you know?
- Tell me it's not weird.
- It's not weird.
- It's not weird.
- I think it's a little weird.
- All right.
- I'm gonna go.
I'm meeting up with Greg...
- ...but this was super fun.
- Good to see you, man.
- Great to see you, man.
- Well, what if I call dibs on Greg?
- That makes no sense.
- No. I'll see you later, brother.
All right.
Actually, I'm parked over there too.
- Yeah, that's happening.
- So she's not an angel.
- Okay. Let's go.
- Yep.
- Thanks for hanging out with me...
- Heh.
...and dealing with my shit recently.
- It's been fun.
- Yeah, it's been fun for me too.
Why is this the only spot
that people drive up to?
Because it's Glen Ellen.
This abandoned construction lot
is the most romantic place in town.
So you brought us here
because it's romantic?
Oh, yes, I did. I did.
Those beautiful Porta-Potties
and the broken glass...
...and used condoms
really just get me right in the mood.
Heh, that's good.
Wait, Michael,
I need to tell you something.
After Matty and I broke up,
we hooked up one more time.
After you guys went to that club.
And we....
We had sex.
- What?
- Yeah.
- You what? You, what...?
- Yeah.
Heh, I know. I was drunk
and we both had really weird nights.
- How can that happen?
- It just did.
Wha...? He's gay. He's gay.
Well, you're not the only one in the world
with confused feelings, Michael.
I'm not... I'm not confused.
I definitely wouldn't have sex
with a gay guy.
- Okay, now you're just being an asshole.
- You're an asshole.
- I can't do this.
- Michael.
- Oh, hey, Michael.
- Oh, is Matty home?
Yeah, he sure is. We're just getting ready
to sit down to dinner. You wanna join us?
Yes, I would.
Okay, great. Well, come on in.
What you got there?
This is a private thing.
Oh, mmm.
Mom, this chicken's incredible.
The skin is so, like....
- Crispy?
- Crispy.
Right, you're damned right it is.
That is the Ronco Showtime Rotisserie
doing its thing.
- It's just fucking great.
- Lars, language, please.
- Oh, this is a great meal.
- Heh.
And all because of a great gift.
- Are you okay?
- I hate you.
Why don't we thank your mother by saying
our favorite part of the meal? I'll go first.
The chicken,
but more specifically, the skin.
- How did I know you were gonna say that?
- Lars?
- Skin.
- Ha, ha.
- Matty?
- Oh, yeah, skin.
- Michael?
- My favorite part of this meal... how Matty fucked a girl....
- Ha, ha.
- Michael, language.
Well, that's not really the answer
to the question.
I am kind of curious. Is that true, Matty?
I'm sorry, can I, uh, be excused to speak
with Michael in the other room?
- Well, we are having a family dinner.
- Why don't you let them talk it out?
Dwayne. Dwayne, ask him.
- What the fuck?
- You had sex with Em.
- So what?
- So I like her a lot.
- She was my girlfriend.
- You're gay.
Shh, shut up.
You don't deserve her.
You don't deserve any girl.
Why did you do that?
Why are you even at my house?
What the fuck are you doing here?
You're gay.
I need you to shut up for the rest of dinner.
Can you do that for me?
What? You don't like that movie?
- I don't believe it.
- When you're married....
- Hi, Matty.
- Hello.
Welcome back.
Okay, boys. Family meal.
Anything going on with you two?
Yeah, a lot, actually.
Today was a crazy day at PacSun.
We got these huge new shipments in.
I had tons and tons of board shorts,
so I took a look at the different styles.
And I said to Laurie, I said, "Laurie...
...I will sell all of these laced-up
board shorts today.
Not this week, today."
And she was like,
"Yeah, right, Lars. No way."
And by the end of the day, get this, Dad,
I sold all of the lace-ups...
...and some of the non lace-ups.
So I was like, "Suck it, Laurie."
- Don't say "suck it." But fantastic.
- Great work, son.
Ambitious, just like your dad.
I got something else
that I really want to share with you guys.
First off, I wanna thank you
for keeping me so humble on this journey.
I know it's been tough, but something
really great happened to me today.
You are an asshole.
I just found out my band,
we're playing the prom.
- Matty's gay.
- That is great. Congratulations.
- Daddy?
- Wait. What did you say?
- Nothing.
- Matty's gay.
- Shut the fuck up.
- Language, mind...
- What is he talking about?
- You have a gay son.
- Oh, language.
- Gay is not a bad word.
Everyone just cut the bullshit.
What is going on?
It's a milestone in my musical career,
Dad, is what's going on.
- Matthew.
- Matty, is this true?
- No.
- Matthew, answer your mother.
- I said no.
- He's not gay.
Why don't you excuse yourself
to your room and I will meet you there?
- Michael, this dinner is over right now.
- Fine.
- Seriously?
- You heard me.
It's gonna be awesome. I know it's
the prom but I think I can get you two in.
One, two, three, four!
- Did you out Matty to his parents?
- Hold on.
- Did you tell them that he's gay?
- It's complicated.
Did you think for a second
about what that meant to him?
- Let me explain.
- Any idea what's happening to him?
- Wait.
- He was your best friend, Michael.
Your best friend.
You are a terrible person.
Oh! Damn, dude.
This looks good, right?
- It is perfect. I think we're good to go.
- Cool.
This is totally not my business,
but I thought you really liked that guy.
Yeah, I just can't do that anymore.
Him specifically or...?
Just all of it.
Matthew, we found the most
darling cuff links. They're little pigs.
- Why would I want those, Mom?
- I'm sorry, I gave you the wrong jacket.
- Let me get you the right one.
- Well, get this off. It's two sizes too small.
Silly, heh.
There we go.
Yes, yes, yes.
Now you look good enough to eat.
Yes, heh. Very handsome.
Oh, Matthew.
This reminds me of your dad
when we went to our prom.
You went to the prom with your husband
and you're still together?
- We sure are, 32 years.
- Congratulations.
I wish I could say the same,
but old Linda is still playing the field.
That's okay. It's fun being single.
Live it up.
Thirty-two years? Wow,
maybe you can give me some advice.
I'm dating a Colombian man.
We have very little in common.
We hardly understand each other...
...but the sex is really amazing.
He's only willing to see me on Tuesdays.
Now, what is that about?
- It might be a, uh, cultural thing?
- Well, then there's Gene.
Gene's very bright,
he's got a skin condition...
...but that's not a deal-breaker for me.
And the sex is ridiculous.
- What do I do?
- High school prom, we're getting fitted for.
And then there's Claude. He's 5'6",
he owns a sailboat and he's my mailman.
The sex is amazing,
but only on the sailboat.
You know, when it's rocky?
But I think that's because
Claude is a little lazy.
What do I do?
I'm not even really sure
what we're talking about.
You're not kidding.
Relationships are hard.
They are complicated. Although you two
kids seem to have it figured out, right?
- You look so cute together.
- Yes, we do. We got it all figured out.
Oh, hello.
I gotta go help this hot number.
Wish me luck.
She is a live wire, heh.
But she's right. You two kids
make the most adorable couple, heh.
Matthew, look at you.
You're going to the prom
with the most beautiful girl.
Beautiful girl, prom, we're doing it.
I have to go to the bathroom.
- Is anything the matter?
- No.
Okay, well, you know that you can
always come to me to talk, right?
- About anything. Anything at all.
- Yeah.
- You tell me, okay?
- Everything's great, Mom.
Michael, I don't wanna tell you
how to live your life, but it's 4 p.m.
You haven't left the house
except to go to school for days.
This time I'm not taking no
for an answer, mister. Sit up.
You look at me and you talk to me.
What's wrong?
It's just...
...why can't things stay the same?
Do you remember
when your mom and I split up?
- Yeah.
- What happened?
You cried and built a lot of birdhouses.
And then what happened?
You took me to Disney World
for two weeks...
...and even I thought it was too long.
And then what happened?
You became friends with Mom again.
- And why do you think we did that?
- For me?
We did it because we loved each other
very much, and that's a rare thing.
History is a powerful thing, Michael.
Home is a powerful thing.
No more sleeping until 4.
What's up, daddy longlegs?
What are you doing here?
I just needed a drink and, uh,
I knew this place would let me in.
I hear that.
- Are you crying, man?
- No, dude, but close.
How are things with you and Matty?
Yeah, uh....
Matty is not answering my calls
as of late.
What? Why?
I mean, I get it.
It's not easy to come out of the closet
and then stay there, you know?
When I came out, my best friend...
...he basically disowned me.
And he was a water polo player.
It's the faggiest sport there is. I mean,
those guys, they wax their assholes.
When I came out, my best friend
stopped sharing sodas with me...
...stopped giving me rides to school,
de-friended me on Facebook...
...and then moved to Germany.
The moving part was unrelated
to me coming out. He claims.
Yeah, I don't wanna be one of those guys.
I've been just a huge jerk.
- Have you talked to Matty?
- I tried to, he won't talk to me.
Maybe you need to try a little harder.
Find out where he's gonna be.
You need to corner him and make him
hear what you have to say.
So this is it.
This is it. Prom.
Could you guys
get a little closer together?
- Closer.
- Really? Okay.
So far, so good.
- Really?
- Yeah.
Hey, Matty.
What do you think you're doing?
Michael, did you bring
a bearded dude to prom...
...or am I just, like,
ripped out of my fucking mind right now?
Both. Uh, this is Greg.
Cheers, buddy.
Gonna shine my light
Till you feel it in your soul
Yeah, I'm not Superman
I'm not Spider-Man
I'm just trying to do the best I can
So let me be a hero for your heart
- You okay?
- No.
- Nervous?
- Yes.
It's okay.
- I'm gonna shit myself.
- Not gonna shit yourself. You look good.
You can do it.
Go, come on. Go, go, go.
Hey, Lars. Lars.
I gotta do something important right now.
- It'll take five minutes.
- No can do, Mikey. We're destroying it.
- This is our moment.
- I know. Please.
- Get the fuck off the stage.
- Yeah.
Hey, potty mouth. You get off the stage
or I'm cutting the power off.
- Shit, it's the principal.
- Go.
Don't kill our momentum, bro.
Hey, everybody.
I, uh, I'm sorry to interrupt your prom.
I just wanted to sing a song...
...if you don't mind.
This song is about
dealing with change...
...which I am not very good at. Um....
I've done a lot of stupid things
the last couple of months and, um....
Uh, yeah, I think I'm learning
to be better at it.
So here we go.
When I was born, I had a thousand legs
Soon I'll be dancing on a different stage
I'll go to sleep inside a silk cocoon
And be reborn into the afternoon
When I have wings I'll fly into the sun
Up in the sky I'll be the only one
Deep down I know
I have to turn the page
But I wonder
Will I miss my legs?
Will I miss my legs?
- Were you talking about me or the song?
- You!
Okay, good, actually, uh...
...because that ties into something else
I wanted to mention...
...while I'm up here,
that even though I'm not gay...
...I'm a straight man,
I brought a guy to prom tonight.
Really cool guy.
I did that...
...because it shouldn't matter
who you bring to prom...
...and it shouldn't matter
who you're attracted to in life...
...or who you fall in love with.
Just bring whoever you want to prom.
And as for the gay thing... people are just people
who have sex a little bit differently...
...and I'm sure that it
still feels amazing.
So yeah, call me gay. I don't care.
Doesn't bother me one bit.
Okay, well,
I got through to you, then, I guess.
So, uh, thank you guys for listening.
Enjoy your prom.
That took big King Kong-sized
donkey balls.
- Thanks. Thank you.
- You got it.
- Hey, man. Are you sure you're not gay?
- Yeah, pretty sure.
Because a lot of people
are gonna think you're gay after tonight.
I know. It's okay.
Oh, man. I let her out of my sight
for one second.
Check it out. Here comes Ava.
She's gonna be so pissed.
- Okay, that girl is a freak.
- I need some air.
I liked what you said up there.
Um, it's not enough.
It doesn't make up for everything.
It's a start.
I know I was, like,
super weird in there earlier.
But, uh, I'm really glad to see you here.
It's good to see you too.
Even if it is at a prom,
because they are terrible.
- Heh.
- A prom is like one gigantic wedding...
...between 500 idiotic teenagers.
Yeah, it's bad.
The first day when we were talking
about Matty coming out?
I should've gotten him that cake
that said, "You're gay."
It would have been better
than all the stupid stuff I did.
There's still time, you know.
There's a bakery around the corner...
- ...that specializes in gay apology cakes.
- Really? Where is it?
- Just kidding.
- Heh.
I know you're fucking with me this time.
- Always fucking with me.
- I'm sorry that I stopped calling you.
- I'm really sorry for freaking out on you.
- Don't be sorry.
And if there's anything that I can do
to help you, you let me know.
You're doing it right now.
- Think we could ever hang out again?
- Yeah, I'd like that.
Actually, I have to go
do one more thing tonight.
Something I need to do
before this gets wrapped up.
- Good luck.
- Go.
- You leaving already?
- No.
I, uh, was just gonna grab this
and then find you.
- Heh, you brought the brownie to prom?
- I bring it everywhere. It's like my baby.
I'm sorry about all the stuff I did.
I actually brought this here tonight...
...because I want you and I
to get rid of this together.
This brownie represents the old me...
...who was just afraid
things wouldn't stay the same...
...and that we wouldn't be friends.
I know it's stupid, but that's how I felt.
You and I need to
destroy this thing tonight.
- Fuck, no.
- What?
This brownie is fucking beautiful, okay?
And what you said tonight on-stage...
...that was...
Dude, that was so awesome.
- Heh.
- Yeah.
I think I'm gonna come out
to my parents.
- Really?
- Yeah.
I mean, I think it's gonna be all right.
That is great, man.
- So are we gonna eat this thing or what?
- Right now?
Yeah, I mean, it's amazing. I mean,
look at the artistry on all these dicks.
- You frosted veins on this one shaft.
- I used a pastry bag with a special nozzle.
And this one over here,
the pubes are gorgeous.
- I wanna put the pubes in my mouth.
- You love pubes?
- You're goddamn right I love pubes.
- Cool.
I love this brownie.
And I love you,
in a totally non-gay way.
- Well, I love you too, non-gay.
- Let's bring it in.
- Oh, man.
- Non-gay.
Extremely non-gay, not interested at all.
- What are you doing?
- I'm picking you up.
- Put me down.
- Don't punch me, you know I'm sensitive.
- They're okay.
- Is this the, uh, famous brownie?
How old is this thing?
Oh, super old,
but I kept it in the freezer, so it's cool.
And I only poured beer on it
a couple times and I cried on it once.
That's cool.
Is there enough for four?
Oh, my God, I'm so high.
What should we do now?
I mean, we cannot
go back into prom like this.
There's only one place you can go
when you're this high.
This is the best night of my life!