Date Movie (2006) Movie Script
Idiot. Hell, no, I won't marry you. Gosh!
What would you do if you
were in a situation like this?
Gosh! Gosh! Gosh!
Gosh!
Dear diary, I had that nightmare again.
I fear I'll never get married.
Maybe I am destined to be
a sad old spinster...
whose only companionship
comes from an absurd amount of cats.
No, that won't be me.
I believe in true love.
My knight in shining armor
is out there somewhere...
and I'm gonna find him.
Ooh. Mmm.
Oh, shit.
Ow.
Ow.
- Opah!
- Hi, Dad.
Look here, Julia.
When you gonna find a man and get married?
You lookin' old, fat and saggy.
And that mole on your forearm,
it's growing a mole.
Let's put some hummus on it.
It cures everything.
Baby, you gotta find a man.
In our race to protect
our Greek heritage-
Yes, yes, yes.
And my heritage too.
Let us not forget
you are also one-half Indian.
- Your mother's right.
- Big sister, we also Japanese.
- And Jewish.
- So you're telling me...
I have to marry a guy
who's a Greek Indian Japanese Jew?
Baby, you're actin' like that's hard to find.
Look around.
They everywhere.
Nicky. Nicky!
You're Greek, right?
Yeah. And Indian
and Japanese and a Jew.
Huh? You wanna
go out with my daughter?
Nah. I don't like redheads.
Sorry.
Dad, I know I'm no beauty,
but I'm not gonna settle.
I respect our heritage,
but I believe love is blind.
Somewhere out there is my true love.
No! Back to work.
Coffee?
- More coffee?
- Excellent.
Jolly good.
I quite fancy some...
more coffee, actually.
Pick up.
- Pick up! Pick up!
- Okay.
- Pick up!
- I'm coming.
Oh, hell, no!
- You're Hitch?
- You got a problem with that?
Please, I'm desperate.
Even I can't help you,
and I found Star Jones a husband.
Aw, shit.
Come on in.
Thanks for seeing me.
I heard you're the best.
You're goddamn right I'm the best.
Look at all the couples I'm responsible for.
You got Brad and Jen...
Jessica and Nick,
Ben and Gwyn...
Ben and Jen, Ben and Jen...
Ben and Matt,
Whitney and Bobby...
Kobe and Shaq,
Ellen and Anne.
Yeah, I do them too.
Well, there's this guy
at the diner where I work.
- We had this... moment.
- What happened?
I turned around, and he was gone.
He probably got a good look
at your mug and ran.
Why don't we broaden the search
from that one guy to just any nigga?
- Okay.
- Eight out of ten guys believe...
the first kiss will tell them everything
they need to know about a relationship.
So before we get started,
let's see what you got.
Ooh, stinky. You got the dragon.
You got a little somethin' in there.
A whole wing?
Extra crispy? Goddamn!
Good gracious!
Off of me, trick!
What, are you hungry?
I'm hopeless.
I'm never gonna meet
my Prince Charming.
I got it!
A reality dating show?
Says here you can meet
the man of your dreams.
It also says you have to be beautiful.
Well, you're beautiful-ish.
Oh, come on, Hitch.
The only way I could get on that show
is if you magically turn me into a princess.
Let's roll.
Let's roll.
Yo, fellas!
Time to pimp her out.
Mm-mm-mm.
Oh.
Hey! Hey!
Yeah!
Whoa!
You're officially pimped out.
All right, girl.
Now you're good to go.
Ladies, good evening,
and welcome to...
The Extreme Bachelor:
Desperate Edition.
By the end of tonight's episode,
one of you lucky ladies...
will be chosen by the bachelor
to go on a dream date.
- So let's meet him.
He's a doctor with a 12-inch cock.
Ladies, may I introduce the bachelor.
- Hi. Lovely to meet you.
- Hi.
- Hello. I'm Grant. Hi.
- Hi.
- I'm Grant.
- Hi, Grant.
Nice to meet you.
- I'm Julia.
- Pleasure.
Now, Grant, the elimination round.
Essentially nixing the girls
you don't want to bang.
Who's going to be eliminated?
Nice aim, Grant.
Good eye.
- Julia, will you accept this rose?
- Yes.
Guys, congratulations.
You have won a dinner for two
at A Restaurant.
A Restaurant!
Thanks!
Oh, yeah, that's it!
Oh, God!
Oh, yeah!
Yeah! Yeah.
Yes! Yes!
Yes!
Oh, yeah!
Oh, yes! Oh, yeah!
Yes! Yes! Yes!
Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes!
Yes! Yes! Yes!
Yes! Yes! Yes!
Yes! Yes! Y-Yes!
Oh, God. Whoo! God.
- So you're saying you do want the pork chops?
- Yes, please.
- Okay.
- I'll have what he's having.
So, tell me about you.
Oh, I'm just a waitress.
But I- I want to go to school
to be a pastry chef.
Oh, hi.
My name is Julia Jones.
And for my admissions essay,
I'm gonna show all of you at Harvard...
why I would make
an amazing pastry chef.
What a coincidence.
I love pie. I've got to take you
downtown for the best-
- Hummus pie?
- You've been there?
That's actually my recipe.
But-
But tell me more about you.
Like, what's your favorite love song?
- It's kind of corny.
- Oh, come on.
You're that waitress.
You've changed.
Well, I- I was- I was sort of goin' through-
through a phase.
I was downright ugly.
I don't remember you ever being ugly.
But I remember you.
I can't explain it, but...
when I'm with you,
I just feel so alive.
- Me too.
- I just wanna scream and shout and-
- Roll drunks?
- Huh?
Uh, Julia?
Come on!
Yes! Yes!
Yes!
Oh, yeah!
- That was... amazing.
- It sure was.
She faked it, Grant.
But I didn't.
Meow.
Meow.
Oh, no, no, no, no...
no, no...
no, no, no...
no, no, no, no, no!
No! No!
Ooh.
Hoo. It's tingly.
Grant, how would you feel
about meeting my parents?
- So, Grant, ever knock anyone up?
- Mom!
I want many grandkids, and how do I
know if hes shooting blanks or not?
Bathroom's down the hall.
Just leave the sample on the counter.
Oh, sorry.
That's Jinxers.
Taught him how to do that.
Julia told me your last name.
- How do you pronounce it?
- Just how it's spelled.
F-O-C-K-Y-E-R-D-O-D-E-R.
- Fockyerdoder?
- Mmm.
Mm-hmm.
Allergic to cats?
Uh, no, no.
I-I-I love cats.
In fact, growing up on a farm,
I once milked a cat.
I got nipples, Grant.
Can you milk me?
May I say that's an exquisite vase.
Ancient artifact, I presume.
That's actually an urn containing
the remains of Frank's mother.
- Well, I'm sure your mother...
would want to celebrate that
Julia finally applied to pastry school.
- What? School?
- Don't you want me to better myself?
No! I want you to work
at the diner until you die.
Grant was just kidding.
Right, Grant?
No!
No, no, no, no, no!
Mama!
- Mama!
- Grandma!
Jinxers. Jinxers, no.
Oh! Grandma Jones! Oh, God!
- No! Jinxers, stop it!
- Hey!
Jinxers! Jinxers, no!
Oh, no, no, Jinxers! No!
- Jinxers, no! No!
- Mama!
- Oh!
- Get off my mama! Stop humpin'!
Bad kitty! Please!
- Jinxers, no!
- Oh!
- I didn't teach him how to do that.
- Jinxers, bad cat!
Jinxers, no!
- Mama!
- That was a disaster.
- It wasn't that bad.
You desecrated my grandmother's remains,
and my father hates you.
Why didn't you tell your parents
about pastry school?
I'm working my way up to it.
- I'm just waiting for the right time.
- Julia, you're a grown woman.
If you haven't noticed,
my family is totally controlling.
- Whoo!
- They meddle in every aspect of my life.
Not to mention,
no one in our family...
- has ever dated outside of our culture.
- He reminds me of Webster.
I just don't see how this
could work between us.
Look, so your family's difficult.
Whose isn't?
Until I met you, my life was boring.
- Oww!
- But you, you're smart...
and interesting and beautiful.
I just want to be with you.
Did you say I was beautiful?
- Come with me.
- Ooh-hoo!
It's just a little Jesus juice!
Whoo!
Where are you taking me?
- What are we-
- You'll see.
Oh, my God.
Oh, my God. Oh, my God.
Oh, my God.
Julia Jones, will you marry me?
Yes, Grant Fockyerdoder,
I will marry you.
How much will you give me for this?
No. No!
- Fifty bucks.
- Shit. That's it?
But it will destroy all evil!
Oh, screw off, wizard!
- Come on. Let's go get some wine coolers.
- And some hookers.
My precious!
Before you set the wedding date,
I wanted to meet your parents...
because, frankly, Fockyerdoder,
I don't know much about you.
I understand, homeboy.
I'll be watching you.
If you do anything
to corrupt my daughter-
You'll bring me down
to Chinatown?
Chinatown?
I'll take your bitch ass to 134th Street...
bust you in the head with a pipe.
Hi, Little Jack.
How come you have Betty's baby?
She's at a swingers convention this weekend,
so we said we'd take care of him.
- Oh, how nice.
- And Betty's such a good mother.
She's teaching Little Jack
sign language.
Oh, I heard about this.
Real cutting-edge stuff.
That's right, Little Jack.
"Keep your pimp hand strong."
Right!
"The dealer pinched."
"What happens when someone
rats us out to the cops?"
"Shiv 'em in the kidney."
- "Beotch."
- His first word!
- Little Jack, what did you say?
- "Beotch."
Is that your dad?
- Uh-huh.
- Figures.
Ha!
Grant! Ha! My boy!
Good to see ya.
This is my fiance Julia,
and her parents, Linda and Frank.
Bernie Fockyerdoder.
Pleased to meet all of ya.
Frank, give me some sugar.
Put her there!
- All right, all right.
- And this must be your little girl.
- No, that's my wife.
- Wife? So young, so pretty.
And you must be Julia.
What a beautiful moment this is.
So beautiful.
Just beautiful.
- Mmm! Mmm! Mmm!
- Oh!
- Dad. Dad.
- Mmm! Mmm!
- What? We're all family now.
- I'll just go get the luggage.
So what was that
you were doin' back there?
Oh, I was just practicing capoeira.
- Capo-what?
- Capoeira...
the Brazilian martial art
of dance fighting.
- Beotch.
- I've been doing it for weeks.
It keeps me level.
Ah!
Come on.
Let's go meet Roz.
Roz!
You're gonna love her.
Everybody, this is Roz.
Oh! I've been kvelling to meet...
this meshuggener goyim shiksa all day!
Oh!
Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh!
So, Grant tells me
you're a doctor.
Uh, I'm a sex therapist.
I specialize in teenage impotency.
- Who's thirsty?
- Mom, no.
Oh, Grantulla's just embarrassed because
he lost his virginity to the housekeeper.
Hey, Eduardo.
Thanks, Eduardo.
Ah!
So, is it Harry?
- Is what hairy?
- Your name.
- No, no, it's Bernie.
- Oh, no, but it is hairy.
- What are you talking about?
- I mean, picture this with four pounds of hair.
Oh, stop.
So, when's the big date?
Well, we wanted a long engagement...
so we're getting married this Sunday.
Oh, hell, no.
I'm not paying for that wedding.
Aw, don't have a conniption, bubbellah.
We'll pay for it.
Of course! What?
I got a great wedding planner.
You'll meet her tomorrow morning.
Let's have a toast.
- To great big matzo balls! L 'Chaim!
- L 'Chaim.
I- I couldn't be happier.
Thanks, Dad.
Because Nicky
has agreed to marry you.
- Nicky.
- Yeah. Good job.
Lookin' good. Nice.
- Dad?
- Hmm?
My whole life, I've had this dream...
that a prince would someday
come and rescue me.
Grant is that guy.
He's my prince,
and he's the one I'm gonna marry.
No, you'll never marry Grant.
I don't trust him.
You'll marry Nicky.
Thinkin' about the honeymoon
makes my sac all quivery and shit.
Wow. You seem tense.
- When was the last time
you and Frank were intimate?
- It's been a while.
Whoo! It sure has.
Well, I could show you a few tricks,
spice things up again.
- Like what?
- Like a dirty Sanchez.
Like a-
Oh, I don't know.
- Or the Arabian goggles.
- Ohh!
Or what about a troll's foot?
Where you don't clip your toenails
for eight weeks...
and then you jab it up his ass!
Or a Mexican blowtorch...
where you take a cotton swab, you dip it
in alcohol, put it on the top of his dick...
and then you light it on fire.
Is that all you got, Fockyerdoder?
Hold on.
- How do you think it's going?
- I think it's going really well.
- You do?
- Yeah. Everyone's getting along famously.
Even our dads are hitting it off.
- You might want to put your shirt back on.
- Nah.
Oh, man.
The wedding planner will see you now.
I'm Jell-O. Fockyerdoder?
Please, have a seat.
Now, I'm here to plan
your dream wedding.
So, tell me what you want.
Well, uh, we want
a traditional wedding.
Something simple, yet elegant.
Yo, I know exactly the place.
Muy romntico.
Think outside my buns.
It's... not quite
what we had in mind.
That's the best I can do
on short notice.
You got to book the caterer,
pick a piata, choose your best man.
Oh, I've already taken care of that.
- My best mate Andy flew in this morning.
- Andy?
Yeah, we'll meet up at the hotel later.
- I think you two will hit it off tremendously.
- I can't wait.
And I can't wait till you see
who I booked for the entertainment.
No!
So, where is this best man of yours?
Andy!
Andy's not a guy?
A guy?
Heavens, no.
It's great we've remained so close,
even after the engagement fell through.
You two were engaged?
Ages ago. It was more physical
than anything, really.
Just constant...
mind-blowing, porno-grade sex.
Sex.
- It's easy to see
- Sex.
Sex, sex, sex...
sex, sex, sex...
sex, sex, sex, sex, sex, sex,
sex, sex, sex, sex, sex, sex.
S-So, you realized
it- it just wasn't right?
Well, she realized it wasn't right.
She dumped me.
Just wasn't ready to settle down.
Why is she in slow motion?
- She likes to make an entrance.
- Grant!
Oh!
This is Julia.
Mmm!
Oh, I have heard
so much about you.
Now, Grant told me
how attractive you were...
but he never mentioned
you were flat-chested.
How cute.
Excuse me while I get out
of these wet clothes.
- So, how did you two meet?
- We were in Beverly Hills.
I'll give you two grand
if I can fuck you in the ass.
- Sounds quite reasonable.
- Okay, this is just too weird.
Can we dissolve back now?
And so, eventually, you got engaged...
and then you broke up ages ago.
Sure, if you call three weeks
ages ago.
You were engaged to her
three weeks ago?
Honestly, Julia...
you have nothing
to be jealous about.
Just because I see Grant with another woman
doesn't mean I want him back.
Finger sandwich?
Okay, I'll go first.
Okay, I'll go first.
Let me say we don't
really need to be here.
- See, we've been dating for five days-
- Six.
Five, six days,
and this is like a checkup for us.
There's this huge space between us...
and it keeps getting
bigger and bigger.
How honest are you with him?
Pretty honest.
I mean, it's not like
I lie to him or anything.
I just, uh-
I mean, I-I have little secrets.
Everyone has secrets.
I have hepatitis "C."
How does that make you feel?
I'm not sure, really.
Let me clarify.
I love Julia.
I... want her to be happy.
I want good things for her.
But there are times-
You know, when she's sleeping,
just take a pillow and-
Thanks for helping me pick out my dress.
To be honest,
I was surprised you called.
Well, you're a part of Grant's life...
and that means
you're a part of my life too.
You look like a princess.
You don't think it's a bit too much?
Oh, not at all.
I'll go get some pins to fit it.
Uh-oh.
Why do you insist
on dressing me in these fruity outfits?
- I'm gonna take this lollipop
and shove it up your ass.
I can hear everyone's thoughts.
I love Puerto Rican men. They're spicy.
It's like I'm trapped
in a bad Mel Gibson movie.
What the hell was I thinkin'?
He's a freakin' backup dancer.
Dude, I married Britney Spears!
I'm rich! I'm rich, beotch!
- Rich!
- Is the bride-to-be ready?
Bride-to-be? Shit. Not if I can help it.
I've got 24 hours
to break up this wedding.
- No.
- Yes!
I'll turn Grant against you
and make him love me again.
Me, me, me!
- Stay away from me!
- Oh!
- What is it now?
- Grant's got an ex-fiance.
And she has a thing for him.
I just know it.
And they have this long,
romantic history.
How can I measure up to that?
You can't.
She's fine as hell.
I would tear that shit up!
You know, everything was going so well
until she turns up.
Look, he's not with Andy anymore.
He's with you.
You gotta put aside your insecurities.
It'll all work out.
- Do you really believe that?
- No, but my white customers do.
Wow.
- Look, I believe in you and Grant.
And before you know it,
you'll be walking down the aisle.
Oh, and saying our vows.
And our first dance!
You call that dancin'?
No.
You see this? This is where you live.
Right here.
This is your home. Huh?
Well, how about this?
That bitch be krumpin'!
It's okay. It's okay.
She's never gonna break us up.
Grant and I just have to get through
the rehearsal dinner...
and then tomorrow's the big day.
Once we're married,
everything will be perfect.
Who are you kidding?
Grant's never gonna marry you.
You're not good enough.
He's meant to be with Andy.
- Don't say that!
- This is who you really are.
- You're a frump, girl.
You may look different,
but inside you'll always be me.
- No, please, stop.
- You'll be stuck in that diner till the end of time.
I don't believe you.
True love is a myth.
You better hurry up and marry Nicky...
before you end up
a fat, dusty old maid.
- Never!
- You'll see.
Quiet, everyone. Quiet.
Roz has a few words to say.
Oh, thank you, hon.
Mmm!
I would like to make a toast.
To Grant and Julia!
Yeah! What?
Okay!
Get crunk!
Get crunked!
You like it?
You look... ravishing.
What? What's wrong?
Grant, your whole courtship
has been rocky, to say the least.
I just hope you're not rushing
into this marriage with Julia...
as a way of getting over me.
I-
Oh, dear God.
A carousel.
I, uh- I'd better get back.
Grant, this is our rehearsal dinner.
We're getting married tomorrow.
I need to know-
do you still have feelings for Andy?
Of course not.
I trust you.
I just don't want to get hurt.
You have nothing to worry about.
I'm devoted to you...
forever.
No.
Not a zit on my wedding day!
Ohh.
Where the hell is Julia?
Grant, I wouldn't be your best man
unless I told you this.
Julia doesn't deserve you.
Oh, come on! She's an hour late
for her own wedding.
Maybe she's got cold feet 'cause she knows
it's not right between the two of you.
Do you ever think about us?
Yeah.
Me too.
My grandmother's ring.
She gave you this ring
on her deathbed...
and made you promise to give it to the woman
you wanted to spend the rest of your life with.
You gave it to me.
My grandfather's toe ring.
Didn't he give you this ring
on his deathbed...
and make you promise to give it
to the woman you'd cherish forever?
You gave that to me too.
- Julia-
- Oh! She's just the rebound girl.
I'm ready to take you back.
Choose me. Marry me.
Andy, I just don't feel
the same way about you anymore.
Julia's the one.
Then one last kiss.
Julia, no!
Shut up! It's 4:00 in the morning!
Asshole!
Turn that crap off!
I'm trying to watch
Desperate Housewives!
It's called an iPod!
Get one!
Oh. Jinxers?
Julia.
Let's get you out of that funk.
Julia, will you marry me?
Please?
It was good, right?
I know Nicky's a little
rough around the edges...
but give him a chance.
When your mother and I first got married,
we barely knew each other.
I was a mail-order bride,
could barely speak the English language.
Dad, you're from Jersey.
I'm tryin' to make a point here.
At first,
Linda and I couldn't get along.
But we grew to understand
and even respect each other.
I'm proud to say
we've been married for 30 years...
and I have you and your sister
to show for it.
Now, maybe that's not
the fairy tale you dream of...
but that's real life.
So, what do you say?
I've been fooling myself all along.
There is no Prince Charming.
And true love is something
that only exists in the movies.
Okay, Dad,
I'll marry Nicky.
Back to work.
You're crying.
Tears of joy, Dad.
Thanks, Frank.
I'll take it from here.
We are gathered here to join
this man and this woman...
in holy matrimony.
Marriage is a contract
that should not be taken lightly.
It must be honored by two people
who are truly in love.
If anyone has any reason
why these two should not be married...
speak now or forever hold your peace.
- I object!
- Thank God!
This isn't what you wanted.
It's what I wanted.
I was wrong about Grant.
He's a good man.
He even liked you
when you were butt-ugly.
- How do you-
- I saw it in your flashback.
You and Grant
were meant to be together.
I don't know.
You need to read this.
My darling Julia. I'm sorry.
So sorry.
So very, very sorry.
And yet, sorry seems to be
the hardest word to say.
If you can ever forgive me
and you're ready to make that leap...
I promise I'll be there to catch you.
If you still love me
the way I love you...
then meet me
where Meg Ryan met Tom Hanks.
On the Internet?
No, not in You've Got Mail,
in Sleepless in Seattle.
Right. The observation deck
of the Empire State Building.
But how do I get there?
Um, I'll Mapquest directions
and I.M. -it to your Blackberry.
But I only have a T-Mobile Sidekick.
You can borrow my Treo 650.
How about we just meet
where we had our first date?
A Restaurant? But that's way uptown.
Traffic's a nightmare.
The rooftop of your apartment building?
Okay! Great!
This issue's six months old.
I hope he's still waiting.
He'd be a fool not to wait for my daughter.
Go get him, baby.
Thanks, Dad.
Taxi! Taxi!
Taxi!
Someone!
Someone please help!
Trick!
You're getting on my nerves!
I need to get across town fast.
- I owe you.
- Damn straight!
I'm Hitch, bitch!
Come on. Open up!
Oh, please!
He's mine!
Keep your damn hands off my man!
I'm too late.
Julia!
Ohh!
What happens after the prince
rescues the princess?
She rescues him right back.
You make me want to be
a better man.
You had me at "hello."
I'm just a girl standing
in front of a boy...
asking him to love her.
What?
I'm also an ordained minister.
By the powers vested in me...
I now pronounce you
man and wife.
Show her some love, man!
- Bravo!
- Beautiful!
Yeah-
Julia!
This is for you.
It's a vaginal thermometer.
It lets you know
when you're ovulating.
It's been in our family
for generations.
And if you want to keep it
our lucky thermometer, don't ever wash it.
- Julia.
- Dad.
You're gonna have to find
a new waitress.
It's about time.
Come here.
Hey.
Take care of my daughter.
Come on.
Good-bye! Best of luck!
Hey, is it too late to crash
the Fockyerdoder wedding?
Bye.
And we lived happily ever after.
But not before we went on our honeymoon
to romantic Kong Island.
Help!
Please help me!
Help!
Keep the camera rolling.
Oh, God!
Help! Please!
No. No!
Carmen Electra! Carmen Electra! Carmen Electra!
- Carmen Electra! Carmen Electra!
- Ooh!
That feels kinda good.
A little... kinky.
Oh, yeah!
I like hairy boys.
Yes! Yes!
Yes!
Yes! Beautiful.
Yes, drink it.
You're gonna love it.
Is that Cos's hand on your booty?
Cut it!
I'm kind of an amateur tennis player.
I was playing,
it was a drizzly day...
and Roz came down and volunteered
to hold my balls and keep 'em dry.
- His balls-
- We got rained out anyway.
His balls are always wet,
whether it's raining or not.
Hey, is it too late
for one more parody?
It's on the Hudson...
with breathtaking views of the skyline.
Muy romntico!
Yeah! What? Okay!
Get crunk!
Hai!
Nyah-nyah-nyah-nyah!
I'm your baby! Nyah-nyah!
Infantilism.
How often do you have sex?
I don't understand the question.
I mean, it's a PG-13 movie.
We're limited
to very mild sexual content.
Above the waist...
over the shirt, no tongues.
No tongue.
How about this week?
Nine.
A hundred and 27.
What would you do if you
were in a situation like this?
Gosh! Gosh! Gosh!
Gosh!
Dear diary, I had that nightmare again.
I fear I'll never get married.
Maybe I am destined to be
a sad old spinster...
whose only companionship
comes from an absurd amount of cats.
No, that won't be me.
I believe in true love.
My knight in shining armor
is out there somewhere...
and I'm gonna find him.
Ooh. Mmm.
Oh, shit.
Ow.
Ow.
- Opah!
- Hi, Dad.
Look here, Julia.
When you gonna find a man and get married?
You lookin' old, fat and saggy.
And that mole on your forearm,
it's growing a mole.
Let's put some hummus on it.
It cures everything.
Baby, you gotta find a man.
In our race to protect
our Greek heritage-
Yes, yes, yes.
And my heritage too.
Let us not forget
you are also one-half Indian.
- Your mother's right.
- Big sister, we also Japanese.
- And Jewish.
- So you're telling me...
I have to marry a guy
who's a Greek Indian Japanese Jew?
Baby, you're actin' like that's hard to find.
Look around.
They everywhere.
Nicky. Nicky!
You're Greek, right?
Yeah. And Indian
and Japanese and a Jew.
Huh? You wanna
go out with my daughter?
Nah. I don't like redheads.
Sorry.
Dad, I know I'm no beauty,
but I'm not gonna settle.
I respect our heritage,
but I believe love is blind.
Somewhere out there is my true love.
No! Back to work.
Coffee?
- More coffee?
- Excellent.
Jolly good.
I quite fancy some...
more coffee, actually.
Pick up.
- Pick up! Pick up!
- Okay.
- Pick up!
- I'm coming.
Oh, hell, no!
- You're Hitch?
- You got a problem with that?
Please, I'm desperate.
Even I can't help you,
and I found Star Jones a husband.
Aw, shit.
Come on in.
Thanks for seeing me.
I heard you're the best.
You're goddamn right I'm the best.
Look at all the couples I'm responsible for.
You got Brad and Jen...
Jessica and Nick,
Ben and Gwyn...
Ben and Jen, Ben and Jen...
Ben and Matt,
Whitney and Bobby...
Kobe and Shaq,
Ellen and Anne.
Yeah, I do them too.
Well, there's this guy
at the diner where I work.
- We had this... moment.
- What happened?
I turned around, and he was gone.
He probably got a good look
at your mug and ran.
Why don't we broaden the search
from that one guy to just any nigga?
- Okay.
- Eight out of ten guys believe...
the first kiss will tell them everything
they need to know about a relationship.
So before we get started,
let's see what you got.
Ooh, stinky. You got the dragon.
You got a little somethin' in there.
A whole wing?
Extra crispy? Goddamn!
Good gracious!
Off of me, trick!
What, are you hungry?
I'm hopeless.
I'm never gonna meet
my Prince Charming.
I got it!
A reality dating show?
Says here you can meet
the man of your dreams.
It also says you have to be beautiful.
Well, you're beautiful-ish.
Oh, come on, Hitch.
The only way I could get on that show
is if you magically turn me into a princess.
Let's roll.
Let's roll.
Yo, fellas!
Time to pimp her out.
Mm-mm-mm.
Oh.
Hey! Hey!
Yeah!
Whoa!
You're officially pimped out.
All right, girl.
Now you're good to go.
Ladies, good evening,
and welcome to...
The Extreme Bachelor:
Desperate Edition.
By the end of tonight's episode,
one of you lucky ladies...
will be chosen by the bachelor
to go on a dream date.
- So let's meet him.
He's a doctor with a 12-inch cock.
Ladies, may I introduce the bachelor.
- Hi. Lovely to meet you.
- Hi.
- Hello. I'm Grant. Hi.
- Hi.
- I'm Grant.
- Hi, Grant.
Nice to meet you.
- I'm Julia.
- Pleasure.
Now, Grant, the elimination round.
Essentially nixing the girls
you don't want to bang.
Who's going to be eliminated?
Nice aim, Grant.
Good eye.
- Julia, will you accept this rose?
- Yes.
Guys, congratulations.
You have won a dinner for two
at A Restaurant.
A Restaurant!
Thanks!
Oh, yeah, that's it!
Oh, God!
Oh, yeah!
Yeah! Yeah.
Yes! Yes!
Yes!
Oh, yeah!
Oh, yes! Oh, yeah!
Yes! Yes! Yes!
Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes!
Yes! Yes! Yes!
Yes! Yes! Yes!
Yes! Yes! Y-Yes!
Oh, God. Whoo! God.
- So you're saying you do want the pork chops?
- Yes, please.
- Okay.
- I'll have what he's having.
So, tell me about you.
Oh, I'm just a waitress.
But I- I want to go to school
to be a pastry chef.
Oh, hi.
My name is Julia Jones.
And for my admissions essay,
I'm gonna show all of you at Harvard...
why I would make
an amazing pastry chef.
What a coincidence.
I love pie. I've got to take you
downtown for the best-
- Hummus pie?
- You've been there?
That's actually my recipe.
But-
But tell me more about you.
Like, what's your favorite love song?
- It's kind of corny.
- Oh, come on.
You're that waitress.
You've changed.
Well, I- I was- I was sort of goin' through-
through a phase.
I was downright ugly.
I don't remember you ever being ugly.
But I remember you.
I can't explain it, but...
when I'm with you,
I just feel so alive.
- Me too.
- I just wanna scream and shout and-
- Roll drunks?
- Huh?
Uh, Julia?
Come on!
Yes! Yes!
Yes!
Oh, yeah!
- That was... amazing.
- It sure was.
She faked it, Grant.
But I didn't.
Meow.
Meow.
Oh, no, no, no, no...
no, no...
no, no, no...
no, no, no, no, no!
No! No!
Ooh.
Hoo. It's tingly.
Grant, how would you feel
about meeting my parents?
- So, Grant, ever knock anyone up?
- Mom!
I want many grandkids, and how do I
know if hes shooting blanks or not?
Bathroom's down the hall.
Just leave the sample on the counter.
Oh, sorry.
That's Jinxers.
Taught him how to do that.
Julia told me your last name.
- How do you pronounce it?
- Just how it's spelled.
F-O-C-K-Y-E-R-D-O-D-E-R.
- Fockyerdoder?
- Mmm.
Mm-hmm.
Allergic to cats?
Uh, no, no.
I-I-I love cats.
In fact, growing up on a farm,
I once milked a cat.
I got nipples, Grant.
Can you milk me?
May I say that's an exquisite vase.
Ancient artifact, I presume.
That's actually an urn containing
the remains of Frank's mother.
- Well, I'm sure your mother...
would want to celebrate that
Julia finally applied to pastry school.
- What? School?
- Don't you want me to better myself?
No! I want you to work
at the diner until you die.
Grant was just kidding.
Right, Grant?
No!
No, no, no, no, no!
Mama!
- Mama!
- Grandma!
Jinxers. Jinxers, no.
Oh! Grandma Jones! Oh, God!
- No! Jinxers, stop it!
- Hey!
Jinxers! Jinxers, no!
Oh, no, no, Jinxers! No!
- Jinxers, no! No!
- Mama!
- Oh!
- Get off my mama! Stop humpin'!
Bad kitty! Please!
- Jinxers, no!
- Oh!
- I didn't teach him how to do that.
- Jinxers, bad cat!
Jinxers, no!
- Mama!
- That was a disaster.
- It wasn't that bad.
You desecrated my grandmother's remains,
and my father hates you.
Why didn't you tell your parents
about pastry school?
I'm working my way up to it.
- I'm just waiting for the right time.
- Julia, you're a grown woman.
If you haven't noticed,
my family is totally controlling.
- Whoo!
- They meddle in every aspect of my life.
Not to mention,
no one in our family...
- has ever dated outside of our culture.
- He reminds me of Webster.
I just don't see how this
could work between us.
Look, so your family's difficult.
Whose isn't?
Until I met you, my life was boring.
- Oww!
- But you, you're smart...
and interesting and beautiful.
I just want to be with you.
Did you say I was beautiful?
- Come with me.
- Ooh-hoo!
It's just a little Jesus juice!
Whoo!
Where are you taking me?
- What are we-
- You'll see.
Oh, my God.
Oh, my God. Oh, my God.
Oh, my God.
Julia Jones, will you marry me?
Yes, Grant Fockyerdoder,
I will marry you.
How much will you give me for this?
No. No!
- Fifty bucks.
- Shit. That's it?
But it will destroy all evil!
Oh, screw off, wizard!
- Come on. Let's go get some wine coolers.
- And some hookers.
My precious!
Before you set the wedding date,
I wanted to meet your parents...
because, frankly, Fockyerdoder,
I don't know much about you.
I understand, homeboy.
I'll be watching you.
If you do anything
to corrupt my daughter-
You'll bring me down
to Chinatown?
Chinatown?
I'll take your bitch ass to 134th Street...
bust you in the head with a pipe.
Hi, Little Jack.
How come you have Betty's baby?
She's at a swingers convention this weekend,
so we said we'd take care of him.
- Oh, how nice.
- And Betty's such a good mother.
She's teaching Little Jack
sign language.
Oh, I heard about this.
Real cutting-edge stuff.
That's right, Little Jack.
"Keep your pimp hand strong."
Right!
"The dealer pinched."
"What happens when someone
rats us out to the cops?"
"Shiv 'em in the kidney."
- "Beotch."
- His first word!
- Little Jack, what did you say?
- "Beotch."
Is that your dad?
- Uh-huh.
- Figures.
Ha!
Grant! Ha! My boy!
Good to see ya.
This is my fiance Julia,
and her parents, Linda and Frank.
Bernie Fockyerdoder.
Pleased to meet all of ya.
Frank, give me some sugar.
Put her there!
- All right, all right.
- And this must be your little girl.
- No, that's my wife.
- Wife? So young, so pretty.
And you must be Julia.
What a beautiful moment this is.
So beautiful.
Just beautiful.
- Mmm! Mmm! Mmm!
- Oh!
- Dad. Dad.
- Mmm! Mmm!
- What? We're all family now.
- I'll just go get the luggage.
So what was that
you were doin' back there?
Oh, I was just practicing capoeira.
- Capo-what?
- Capoeira...
the Brazilian martial art
of dance fighting.
- Beotch.
- I've been doing it for weeks.
It keeps me level.
Ah!
Come on.
Let's go meet Roz.
Roz!
You're gonna love her.
Everybody, this is Roz.
Oh! I've been kvelling to meet...
this meshuggener goyim shiksa all day!
Oh!
Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh!
So, Grant tells me
you're a doctor.
Uh, I'm a sex therapist.
I specialize in teenage impotency.
- Who's thirsty?
- Mom, no.
Oh, Grantulla's just embarrassed because
he lost his virginity to the housekeeper.
Hey, Eduardo.
Thanks, Eduardo.
Ah!
So, is it Harry?
- Is what hairy?
- Your name.
- No, no, it's Bernie.
- Oh, no, but it is hairy.
- What are you talking about?
- I mean, picture this with four pounds of hair.
Oh, stop.
So, when's the big date?
Well, we wanted a long engagement...
so we're getting married this Sunday.
Oh, hell, no.
I'm not paying for that wedding.
Aw, don't have a conniption, bubbellah.
We'll pay for it.
Of course! What?
I got a great wedding planner.
You'll meet her tomorrow morning.
Let's have a toast.
- To great big matzo balls! L 'Chaim!
- L 'Chaim.
I- I couldn't be happier.
Thanks, Dad.
Because Nicky
has agreed to marry you.
- Nicky.
- Yeah. Good job.
Lookin' good. Nice.
- Dad?
- Hmm?
My whole life, I've had this dream...
that a prince would someday
come and rescue me.
Grant is that guy.
He's my prince,
and he's the one I'm gonna marry.
No, you'll never marry Grant.
I don't trust him.
You'll marry Nicky.
Thinkin' about the honeymoon
makes my sac all quivery and shit.
Wow. You seem tense.
- When was the last time
you and Frank were intimate?
- It's been a while.
Whoo! It sure has.
Well, I could show you a few tricks,
spice things up again.
- Like what?
- Like a dirty Sanchez.
Like a-
Oh, I don't know.
- Or the Arabian goggles.
- Ohh!
Or what about a troll's foot?
Where you don't clip your toenails
for eight weeks...
and then you jab it up his ass!
Or a Mexican blowtorch...
where you take a cotton swab, you dip it
in alcohol, put it on the top of his dick...
and then you light it on fire.
Is that all you got, Fockyerdoder?
Hold on.
- How do you think it's going?
- I think it's going really well.
- You do?
- Yeah. Everyone's getting along famously.
Even our dads are hitting it off.
- You might want to put your shirt back on.
- Nah.
Oh, man.
The wedding planner will see you now.
I'm Jell-O. Fockyerdoder?
Please, have a seat.
Now, I'm here to plan
your dream wedding.
So, tell me what you want.
Well, uh, we want
a traditional wedding.
Something simple, yet elegant.
Yo, I know exactly the place.
Muy romntico.
Think outside my buns.
It's... not quite
what we had in mind.
That's the best I can do
on short notice.
You got to book the caterer,
pick a piata, choose your best man.
Oh, I've already taken care of that.
- My best mate Andy flew in this morning.
- Andy?
Yeah, we'll meet up at the hotel later.
- I think you two will hit it off tremendously.
- I can't wait.
And I can't wait till you see
who I booked for the entertainment.
No!
So, where is this best man of yours?
Andy!
Andy's not a guy?
A guy?
Heavens, no.
It's great we've remained so close,
even after the engagement fell through.
You two were engaged?
Ages ago. It was more physical
than anything, really.
Just constant...
mind-blowing, porno-grade sex.
Sex.
- It's easy to see
- Sex.
Sex, sex, sex...
sex, sex, sex...
sex, sex, sex, sex, sex, sex,
sex, sex, sex, sex, sex, sex.
S-So, you realized
it- it just wasn't right?
Well, she realized it wasn't right.
She dumped me.
Just wasn't ready to settle down.
Why is she in slow motion?
- She likes to make an entrance.
- Grant!
Oh!
This is Julia.
Mmm!
Oh, I have heard
so much about you.
Now, Grant told me
how attractive you were...
but he never mentioned
you were flat-chested.
How cute.
Excuse me while I get out
of these wet clothes.
- So, how did you two meet?
- We were in Beverly Hills.
I'll give you two grand
if I can fuck you in the ass.
- Sounds quite reasonable.
- Okay, this is just too weird.
Can we dissolve back now?
And so, eventually, you got engaged...
and then you broke up ages ago.
Sure, if you call three weeks
ages ago.
You were engaged to her
three weeks ago?
Honestly, Julia...
you have nothing
to be jealous about.
Just because I see Grant with another woman
doesn't mean I want him back.
Finger sandwich?
Okay, I'll go first.
Okay, I'll go first.
Let me say we don't
really need to be here.
- See, we've been dating for five days-
- Six.
Five, six days,
and this is like a checkup for us.
There's this huge space between us...
and it keeps getting
bigger and bigger.
How honest are you with him?
Pretty honest.
I mean, it's not like
I lie to him or anything.
I just, uh-
I mean, I-I have little secrets.
Everyone has secrets.
I have hepatitis "C."
How does that make you feel?
I'm not sure, really.
Let me clarify.
I love Julia.
I... want her to be happy.
I want good things for her.
But there are times-
You know, when she's sleeping,
just take a pillow and-
Thanks for helping me pick out my dress.
To be honest,
I was surprised you called.
Well, you're a part of Grant's life...
and that means
you're a part of my life too.
You look like a princess.
You don't think it's a bit too much?
Oh, not at all.
I'll go get some pins to fit it.
Uh-oh.
Why do you insist
on dressing me in these fruity outfits?
- I'm gonna take this lollipop
and shove it up your ass.
I can hear everyone's thoughts.
I love Puerto Rican men. They're spicy.
It's like I'm trapped
in a bad Mel Gibson movie.
What the hell was I thinkin'?
He's a freakin' backup dancer.
Dude, I married Britney Spears!
I'm rich! I'm rich, beotch!
- Rich!
- Is the bride-to-be ready?
Bride-to-be? Shit. Not if I can help it.
I've got 24 hours
to break up this wedding.
- No.
- Yes!
I'll turn Grant against you
and make him love me again.
Me, me, me!
- Stay away from me!
- Oh!
- What is it now?
- Grant's got an ex-fiance.
And she has a thing for him.
I just know it.
And they have this long,
romantic history.
How can I measure up to that?
You can't.
She's fine as hell.
I would tear that shit up!
You know, everything was going so well
until she turns up.
Look, he's not with Andy anymore.
He's with you.
You gotta put aside your insecurities.
It'll all work out.
- Do you really believe that?
- No, but my white customers do.
Wow.
- Look, I believe in you and Grant.
And before you know it,
you'll be walking down the aisle.
Oh, and saying our vows.
And our first dance!
You call that dancin'?
No.
You see this? This is where you live.
Right here.
This is your home. Huh?
Well, how about this?
That bitch be krumpin'!
It's okay. It's okay.
She's never gonna break us up.
Grant and I just have to get through
the rehearsal dinner...
and then tomorrow's the big day.
Once we're married,
everything will be perfect.
Who are you kidding?
Grant's never gonna marry you.
You're not good enough.
He's meant to be with Andy.
- Don't say that!
- This is who you really are.
- You're a frump, girl.
You may look different,
but inside you'll always be me.
- No, please, stop.
- You'll be stuck in that diner till the end of time.
I don't believe you.
True love is a myth.
You better hurry up and marry Nicky...
before you end up
a fat, dusty old maid.
- Never!
- You'll see.
Quiet, everyone. Quiet.
Roz has a few words to say.
Oh, thank you, hon.
Mmm!
I would like to make a toast.
To Grant and Julia!
Yeah! What?
Okay!
Get crunk!
Get crunked!
You like it?
You look... ravishing.
What? What's wrong?
Grant, your whole courtship
has been rocky, to say the least.
I just hope you're not rushing
into this marriage with Julia...
as a way of getting over me.
I-
Oh, dear God.
A carousel.
I, uh- I'd better get back.
Grant, this is our rehearsal dinner.
We're getting married tomorrow.
I need to know-
do you still have feelings for Andy?
Of course not.
I trust you.
I just don't want to get hurt.
You have nothing to worry about.
I'm devoted to you...
forever.
No.
Not a zit on my wedding day!
Ohh.
Where the hell is Julia?
Grant, I wouldn't be your best man
unless I told you this.
Julia doesn't deserve you.
Oh, come on! She's an hour late
for her own wedding.
Maybe she's got cold feet 'cause she knows
it's not right between the two of you.
Do you ever think about us?
Yeah.
Me too.
My grandmother's ring.
She gave you this ring
on her deathbed...
and made you promise to give it to the woman
you wanted to spend the rest of your life with.
You gave it to me.
My grandfather's toe ring.
Didn't he give you this ring
on his deathbed...
and make you promise to give it
to the woman you'd cherish forever?
You gave that to me too.
- Julia-
- Oh! She's just the rebound girl.
I'm ready to take you back.
Choose me. Marry me.
Andy, I just don't feel
the same way about you anymore.
Julia's the one.
Then one last kiss.
Julia, no!
Shut up! It's 4:00 in the morning!
Asshole!
Turn that crap off!
I'm trying to watch
Desperate Housewives!
It's called an iPod!
Get one!
Oh. Jinxers?
Julia.
Let's get you out of that funk.
Julia, will you marry me?
Please?
It was good, right?
I know Nicky's a little
rough around the edges...
but give him a chance.
When your mother and I first got married,
we barely knew each other.
I was a mail-order bride,
could barely speak the English language.
Dad, you're from Jersey.
I'm tryin' to make a point here.
At first,
Linda and I couldn't get along.
But we grew to understand
and even respect each other.
I'm proud to say
we've been married for 30 years...
and I have you and your sister
to show for it.
Now, maybe that's not
the fairy tale you dream of...
but that's real life.
So, what do you say?
I've been fooling myself all along.
There is no Prince Charming.
And true love is something
that only exists in the movies.
Okay, Dad,
I'll marry Nicky.
Back to work.
You're crying.
Tears of joy, Dad.
Thanks, Frank.
I'll take it from here.
We are gathered here to join
this man and this woman...
in holy matrimony.
Marriage is a contract
that should not be taken lightly.
It must be honored by two people
who are truly in love.
If anyone has any reason
why these two should not be married...
speak now or forever hold your peace.
- I object!
- Thank God!
This isn't what you wanted.
It's what I wanted.
I was wrong about Grant.
He's a good man.
He even liked you
when you were butt-ugly.
- How do you-
- I saw it in your flashback.
You and Grant
were meant to be together.
I don't know.
You need to read this.
My darling Julia. I'm sorry.
So sorry.
So very, very sorry.
And yet, sorry seems to be
the hardest word to say.
If you can ever forgive me
and you're ready to make that leap...
I promise I'll be there to catch you.
If you still love me
the way I love you...
then meet me
where Meg Ryan met Tom Hanks.
On the Internet?
No, not in You've Got Mail,
in Sleepless in Seattle.
Right. The observation deck
of the Empire State Building.
But how do I get there?
Um, I'll Mapquest directions
and I.M. -it to your Blackberry.
But I only have a T-Mobile Sidekick.
You can borrow my Treo 650.
How about we just meet
where we had our first date?
A Restaurant? But that's way uptown.
Traffic's a nightmare.
The rooftop of your apartment building?
Okay! Great!
This issue's six months old.
I hope he's still waiting.
He'd be a fool not to wait for my daughter.
Go get him, baby.
Thanks, Dad.
Taxi! Taxi!
Taxi!
Someone!
Someone please help!
Trick!
You're getting on my nerves!
I need to get across town fast.
- I owe you.
- Damn straight!
I'm Hitch, bitch!
Come on. Open up!
Oh, please!
He's mine!
Keep your damn hands off my man!
I'm too late.
Julia!
Ohh!
What happens after the prince
rescues the princess?
She rescues him right back.
You make me want to be
a better man.
You had me at "hello."
I'm just a girl standing
in front of a boy...
asking him to love her.
What?
I'm also an ordained minister.
By the powers vested in me...
I now pronounce you
man and wife.
Show her some love, man!
- Bravo!
- Beautiful!
Yeah-
Julia!
This is for you.
It's a vaginal thermometer.
It lets you know
when you're ovulating.
It's been in our family
for generations.
And if you want to keep it
our lucky thermometer, don't ever wash it.
- Julia.
- Dad.
You're gonna have to find
a new waitress.
It's about time.
Come here.
Hey.
Take care of my daughter.
Come on.
Good-bye! Best of luck!
Hey, is it too late to crash
the Fockyerdoder wedding?
Bye.
And we lived happily ever after.
But not before we went on our honeymoon
to romantic Kong Island.
Help!
Please help me!
Help!
Keep the camera rolling.
Oh, God!
Help! Please!
No. No!
Carmen Electra! Carmen Electra! Carmen Electra!
- Carmen Electra! Carmen Electra!
- Ooh!
That feels kinda good.
A little... kinky.
Oh, yeah!
I like hairy boys.
Yes! Yes!
Yes!
Yes! Beautiful.
Yes, drink it.
You're gonna love it.
Is that Cos's hand on your booty?
Cut it!
I'm kind of an amateur tennis player.
I was playing,
it was a drizzly day...
and Roz came down and volunteered
to hold my balls and keep 'em dry.
- His balls-
- We got rained out anyway.
His balls are always wet,
whether it's raining or not.
Hey, is it too late
for one more parody?
It's on the Hudson...
with breathtaking views of the skyline.
Muy romntico!
Yeah! What? Okay!
Get crunk!
Hai!
Nyah-nyah-nyah-nyah!
I'm your baby! Nyah-nyah!
Infantilism.
How often do you have sex?
I don't understand the question.
I mean, it's a PG-13 movie.
We're limited
to very mild sexual content.
Above the waist...
over the shirt, no tongues.
No tongue.
How about this week?
Nine.
A hundred and 27.