Dating My Mother (2017) Movie Script

Mom, wait.
Danny, can you get the plate?
Hurry, the asparagus is burning.
You're driving, right?
I guess so.
You get the tickets.
I'll get the keys.
Want something?
No, I shouldn't.
What if we split?
What is our Netflix password
I literally tell you every day.
Literally, huh?
It's a figure of speech, Joan.
The password's "Go To The Gym."
Wake me up at 7:30.
It's so early.
Maybe I should just sleep
in my own bed tonight?
Whatever you want.
No, it's okay.
I'll make do.
You look... cute.
What's that supposed to mean?
You hesitated.
I didn't.
"You look...
That's what you said.
Okay. Okay.
I still don't know
about the bag.
I don't know. Feel like it kinda
wraps the whole thing together.
I know.
But do you want to be
carrying it the whole day?
That's what I was thinking.
[alarm chirps]
This looks... like garbage.
[laughs, shushes]
Oh, my God, Danny!
I didn't know you were coming.
And Joan. Hi!
Congratulations, Tanya.
Thank you.
Oh, you're so sweet.
So, can you believe
college is already over?
I mean, life is like
flying by.
I know, right?
- Tell me about it.
- Oh, my God!
Melanie. Hey!
I haven't seen you forever.
Oh, thank you.
Yeah, it would be
for a TV show, a news show.
- Mom.
- What?
I don't want you to jinx it.
Excuse me.
- Yo, Danny
- Oh, shit, Khris.
- I didn't know that you were still around.
- What's good, man?
- How you doing?
- Yeah. Yeah.
Hold on.
Wow, you got some moves.
Seasoned pro.
How long are you
in town for?
I, uh, I'm just waiting
to hear back
from some jobs and...
Who the fuck really knows, man.
Word, man. Word.
I've been here for about
a month or so.
[Tanya giggling]
And I was like,
"Of course we can volunteer
at the soup kitchen."
- [woman] We'd be glad to help.
- [Tanya] Thank you.
I heard she got, like,
some sick job in fashion.
Like... uh, Bergdorf
or something.
Yeah. But I heard
she's an assistant.
So, do you still smoke
a lot of pot?
Do you maybe have
some here?
Maybe not now
But you keep on
hanging 'round
Keep on hanging 'round
my door
Maybe not now
But you keep on coming back
Keep on coming back
for more
Maybe not now
But you keep on
hanging 'round
Keep on hanging 'round
my door
Maybe not now
But you keep on coming back
Keep on coming back
for more
Maybe not now
I cannot believe
you embarrassed me
in front of all my friends.
They're not your friends, Mom.
They're just a bunch of rich
white people from New Jersey.
Oh, and what would you call
yourself then, Danny?
I don't know.
I don't like that word.
We're reclaiming it.
What did they teach you
at that school anyway?
Have you ever heard
of intersectionality?
I don't know. I need a bag.
I think I might throw up.
[Joan] So, George asked
me out last night.
Mr. Rosenberg.
I said no.
He's just so skeevy.
He asked me if hairdressing
was a job or just a hobby.
But it got me thinking.
I should really start
dating again.
You know,
your mom is quite a catch.
Is this because I puked
on Tanya's begonias?
No, Danny.
I've been feeling like this
for a long time.
Ever since Sidney
and I broke up.
- But you dumped him.
- I know.
He was such a square.
He was the first man I dated
after your dad passed.
I know.
Can I?
I just want someone
who makes me smile,
who makes me laugh.
I mean, I'm hilarious.
What are you doing?
- I'm helping her bag.
- No, Mom.
I mean, this is wasting
a lot of plastic.
Where are the reusable bags
I got you? Here.
We can just fit these
in here. Thank you.
That's too much. That's...
It's fine.
So, are you gonna help me
or are you just gonna sit
on the computer all day?
What are some
of my long-term goals?
Excuse me?
This guy on Match is asking.
- You're already on Match?
- Yeah.
What are some
of your long-term goals?
I don't know.
Maybe a beach house.
I can fuck with that.
Maybe I'm thinking too small.
Oh, he's old.
Old like a fox is old.
He's a little short for me.
You should make an account.
Oh, no. I've done that.
I don't need to see
any more dick pics, thank you.
- What?
- Anyways,
I don't think dating will be
that fruitful here, you know.
I mean, I'm only gonna be here
for a few weeks tops.
You could be here longer,
you know.
Yeah. I'll have fun
talking to Lionel
The Lionhearted 6-2-3.
Good God, Mom.
My name is Magnus.
I'm 27,
looking for love
in all the wrong places.
Also, I'm a registered nurse.
My likes include compost,
stone fruit, and Enya.
My name is Levantre.
I am 23 years old,
ad Paris is burning!
Jamal, 22.
Science major looking
to create some chemistry.
Also, no blacks.
What? Come on.
Stephen, 26.
No fems allowed.
I do yoga every damn day.
Patrick, 25.
- Hey, I'm Mark.
- You don't go to the gym.
- I'm Courtney.
- I'm Kristin.
Tobias, 23, and...
we're looking for a fourth.
- [on TV] The forecast mostly sunny...
- [channel changes]
...with the top photographer
at the time...
...designed for a convenient way
to exercise anywhere.
A mesh canopy supports
your head and neck,
and there are no hinges
or moving parts to break.
You can flip it over
for dips too.
[TV continues indistinctly]
- Mom?
- Shh.
I don't want the dogs
to know I'm here.
I can't believe you just leave
them down there in the basement.
[Joan] You're allergic.
[Danny] Only sometimes.
And they pee everywhere.
How was your morning?
[Danny] Thrilling.
Did you get any writing done?
[Danny] Not really.
I'm feeling kind of uninspired.
Feel like I need to get
into a routine or something.
That's an idea.
I cut Michelle's hair today.
She says they're looking
for people.
[Danny] Great.
Well, you should reach out.
I mean, you need to find
a way to make money.
I don't really remember
the Dewey decimal system,
to be honest.
And I have a job.
You do?
[Danny] Yes.
I'm just waiting for someone
to pay me to do it.
Well, maybe if you spent
more time writing
and less time in front
of the boob tube.
[sighs, mutters] Okay.
Sit here.
[continues indistinctly]
Hey, how are you?
- No phones at the front desk.
- Right.
Shelve these for me.
[phone beeps]
- [man] Hey.
- Hi.
How can I help you?
- [shrieks]
- [phone clatters]
[girl giggles]
[muffled chattering]
I've been told that one of the
biggest weaknesses that I have
is that I can be, um,
sometimes too polite which is...
uh, great...
for the...
uh, sorry, for the workplace.
It's just like
a part-time thing.
Uh, just living that
high school aesthetic
till I can, like,
afford to exist.
Ah, I feel you.
My mom and the librarian
go way back, so...
Yeah, I've been interviewing
for weeks.
The grind is killing me.
Oh. Right. Hence the blazer.
I hate Skype interviews,
they're so awkward.
I'm better in the room,
you know?
Uh, hey, I don't think
I have your number anymore.
Oh, yeah, um...
Come here! Come here,
come here, come here.
- [Lisa laughing]
- He's cute.
I don't mind
the Bermuda shorts.
- Hey, Lisa.
- Hey, honey.
What are you guys doing?
We are trying
to find your mother
a proper male escort.
- [Lisa giggling]
- Oh, my God.
She's a stalker.
She's literally found
their addresses.
Mm-hmm. Everything.
Their measurements...
[Danny] I don't doubt it.
Wait. Oh!
Now, he's cute.
He is foxy.
Look, Joanie.
And he's a CEO.
- How do you know that?
- Hello.
Psychic and LinkedIn.
It's right there.
Wait. Hold on. Let me just...
Oh, my God.
Is that his Facebook page?
Mm-hmm. And that's his...
wife? No, daughter.
Oh, God. I'm out.
No, honey, stay with us.
Drink with us.
- Hmm.
- Okay.
Mm-hmm. No.
No. One earring does not do it.
Do two or forget it. Next.
No. Bow tie. Go.
- He's cute. He's very cute.
- Hmm.
Oh, send him a message
or a poke or a prick.
[Joan laughs]
What do I say.
I don't know. I feel like
maybe you should just wait
for him to message you.
- [Lisa] Oh, wow!
- Play it cool.
Come on.
What happened
to Wild Lady Gaga Danny?
When did you become
Conservative Danny Duggart?
- [laughing]
- [Danny] I'm just saying.
I feel like straight people
are into gender roles
or whatever.
[Lisa] Well, I'm saying
break that rule,
break and bury
that outdated sexist rule,
and you are a catch,
and you should message him.
He'd be lucky to have you.
Isn't that right, Danny?
I mean, isn't your mom's hole
a total ace?
- Eww!
- [giggling] Lisa!
What? What?
I said she's...
- she's a ace in the hole.
- No.
You didn't say that though.
- That is not what you said.
- No.
- All right.
- Oh!
My hole is an ace.
Oh, God.
Oh, Lord almighty,
I've killed my bestie.
Are you okay?
Drink. Breathe. Breathe.
- Okay.
- Okay.
I'm gonna do this.
I'm gonna do it!
Yeah. Hashtag feminism.
Exactly, hashtag feminism.
- I'm too old for this.
- No, you are not too old.
And old is good, by the way.
I love getting old.
The older you get, the less
and less you give a shit
about anyone or anything.
- Clearly.
- Mm-hmm.
All right, look at that.
"Nice to meet
your virtual acquaintance."
- Mom!
- What? I haven't met him yet.
You cannot say that.
Come on.
[keyboard clacking]
- Oh, my God.
- Oh, you're good.
- It's good.
- I try.
- Yeah.
- [phone dings]
- Oh.
- Oh.
Somebody sexting you?
Come on.
[Lisa] Oh, look at that
little sly smirk.
- Hmm?
- [Joan sighs]
- Uh, is it a fella?
- A fella?
It's no one. He's from LA.
Oh, sorry.
Excuse me, California.
- Is it your ex?
- No.
No. It...
Okay, it's Khris.
- Khris? As in Khris Restrepo?
- Hmm.
But he was just at the party?
How could he be in Los Angeles?
Mom, I was lying.
Is he even gay, honey?
It doesn't matter anymore?
As long as he has a huge dick?
[all laughing]
Oh, my God.
- Lisa's a nutjob.
- [Joan] I know.
I love it.
She's already sent me
three Facebooks today.
- She's like a spy.
- Are you serious?
I think she's enjoying this
more than me even.
I mean, she has been married
to the same man for 30 years.
She's probably pretty bored.
[Joan] I suppose.
So, what are you doing today?
[woman on TV]
Big toes together.
Just a little bit of space
between your heels.
Lower your hips.
Lift your belly.
- Arms high...
- [dogs barking]
And then join your hands...
[barking, growling]
- What's up?
- Sorry!
There you are.
You're writing?
I wanted to give
the bitches some air.
Guess what?
I have a date tonight.
Oh, that's... that's great.
Uh, with the CEO?
Someone else.
That's exciting.
I'm freaking out.
What am I gonna wear?
I feel frumpy.
That's because
you wear loose things.
You gotta keep it tight.
Then he'll see my stomach.
Yeah, whatever.
Here, try this.
I'm so glad you're gay.
You know I don't like that.
- What?
- Stereotypes.
Well, if the heel fits.
I'll let you change.
That was funny.
[TV playing indistinctly]
Holy shit, you look
like a MILF.
- Really?
- Uh, like a classy one.
I regret calling you a MILF.
If for some reason I disappear,
his name is Chester Patterson,
and we're meeting at Brenda's,
so you can start
the search there.
Mom, I think if he was going
to murder you,
he'd use, like,
an alias or something.
Oh, my God, you're right.
- Oh, my God.
- You're gonna be fine.
Just go have fun.
Okay. Okay.
This is exciting.
- I love you.
- I love you, too.
[door closes]
Uh, so who you buying weed from
in these parts?
Oh, dude, I don't even know.
This is from a homie at school.
I could hook you up
with someone though.
I mean, like,
he's kind of local.
Oh, no, that's okay.
I got into a really bad habit
of smoking, like, once a day.
Maybe twice.
- Three times, max.
- [chuckles]
- But... this is pretty dank.
- [chuckles]
Oh. It's all right.
Yo, where are your dogs?
I can't believe they're just,
like, cooped up in here all day.
I know. Uh, but I got like...
pretty allergic to them
when I went away.
Oh, dude, that sucks.
Yeah, I feel bad, but...
you know,
they're like rabid now.
Oh, man, I love playing
with dogs when I'm high.
Oh, yo, dude.
This is retro.
Uh, yeah.
Remember playing Battlefront,
like, all the time
in eight grade?
- It was so fire.
- Yeah.
So, "Star Wars" is what made me
wanna make movies
in the first place actually.
It's so cool that
you're doing that.
- Really?
- Yeah.
I don't know. I mean, hopefully,
one day it will be cool.
I feel like right now
I'm just, like... floundering.
Uh, but you're working
on something?
Yeah, uh, a spec.
It's a script.
Um, but hopefully that
plus the TV job will...
get me into a writer's room.
Yeah, that's sick.
Uh, what's your script about?
Oh, I don't actually like
to, like,
talk about it till I'm done.
Oh, yeah, for sure.
It's fine.
Yeah, it's a gay marriage movie
called "He Said Yes."
It's pretty stupid actually.
Nah, it's nice.
I don't even wanna get married.
Why not?
I don't know. I mean...
is it natural for two people
to wanna be together
for the rest of their life?
Oh, well, I mean,
my parents are still together.
Yours are an exception.
I mean, look, I don't know.
I... I guess I just feel guilty
that I don't wanna get married
now that we, like, can.
We fought so hard for it.
Now, I just feel, like, ambivalent
about the whole situation.
- Word.
- Yeah.
You know, it's really cool
you came out, by the way.
No, no, it's, uh...
It's just a funny way
of putting it, but thank you.
I'm glad you think it's cool.
Was I ever really in,
is my question.
You know,
that's so true, actually.
[door creaking]
Oh, hi, Khris.
Mrs. Wallace,
it's good to see you.
What have you guys been up to?
You're acting so weird.
Uh, I'm gonna go.
I'll see you.
So how was your date?
Marijuana under my roof?
Our roof?
Oh, are you paying rent now?
Do you want me to start?
Well, if you're gonna be
a bum, yeah.
I thought you came back to get
away from that sort of thing.
I know. I'm sorry.
But, like, you do know that
alcohol is much worse
for you, right?
- Oh, I don't believe that.
- Oh, Mom,
stop buying into this
Nancy Reagan bullshit
and read an article for once.
I read.
Marijuana's illegal, Daniel.
Not everywhere.
Well, you're not
in California anymore.
Yeah, no shit.
Why don't you air out
the living room.
I don't feel like smelling
your drugs.
We smoked outside.
Excuse me?
So the neighbors could see you?
No one saw us.
What, would you rather
we smoke in my room?
Your room?
You know what, why don't you
sleep there tonight
if you're suddenly
such a badass.
I mean, we should probably
get used to it anyway.
[scoffs] It's not normal.
What even is normal?
The patriarchy is normal.
And you know my mattress
hurts my back.
There's air freshener
under the sink.
I'm going to bed.
And he was really sweet.
You know? I had a good time.
So, we'll see.
[footsteps fading]
[phone beeps]
'Sup. You horny?
- Sure.
- [man] Any more pics?
[man scoffs]
I meant nudes, dude.
Yeah, I know.
- Nice.
- You like it?
Oh, yeah.
So, what do you want
to do to me?
Fuck you.
- Hard.
- Oh, yeah?
- You wanna meet up.
- Ever tried poppers?
I actually don't know
what that is.
[man] Makes you loose.
Oh. Um... kinda sounds
like a lot.
It's cool.
I promise.
I don't even know who you are,
so... that could...
You're funny.
Man, I would fuck you so hard,
we won't even need a condom.
Oh, God. Okay.
Seriously, I'm not gonna have
sex with you, okay.
But if you want a blowjob,
let's meet up.
- That's it?
- Yes.
I don't even know
where you've been, man.
And honestly, I don't really
want to have sex right now.
I had a huge dinner.
Just a little ass play?
Where do you want to meet?
Let me see that ass,
one more time.
- Ooh.
- [man] Bend over.
- What? Oh.
- Bend over.
[man moaning]
Yeah, I'm pretty sure there's,
like, a park around the corner
if you just wanna meet there.
Fucking son of a bitch.
So what's this guy's name again?
Hmm. Chester.
Isn't that like a dog's name?
Be nice.
He's nice.
He's nice.
So, guess it's back
to the web then.
Nice is good.
Why is nice bad?
I don't know.
I just feel like it's...
what you say when there's, like,
nothing really else to say.
Oh, no.
I think nice is good.
Nice and... sweet and fun.
Are you sure you're not, like...
I don't think so.
We were there
for almost an hour
before we even ordered.
Just talking.
He texted me good night, too.
- Really?
- Yeah.
So what's he do?
He's in plastics.
And before you call him a blood-sucking
demon, they're renewable.
They're made of corn.
Did you check his credentials?
- Lisa did.
- Hmm.
Oh, and he's an artist.
He plays guitar in a band.
Stop it.
What? I thought
you'd appreciate that.
I do. It's just... classic.
Anyway, I brought a bottle
of wine to dinner.
It's, you know, a BYOB place.
- The best.
- Hmm.
I didn't wanna take your red,
but all I had was
a giant magnum of Pinot.
- You didn't.
- I did.
But I left it in the car.
By the time I remembered,
we were on to dessert.
He said we'd have
to split the wine next time.
- Next time?
- Yeah.
- [phone chimes]
- Ooh, maybe that's him.
It is.
I sent him one of those picture
thingys a video picture.
- A GIF?
- Yeah.
Is that how it's pronounced?
No one really knows.
What are you doing?
You can't respond right away.
You sent him three messages
in a row.
Mom, no.
You gotta play the game.
Game? What game?
Chester doesn't think like that.
You went on, like,
a date with him.
How do you know
how he thinks?
Here, will you drive? I don't
want to text behind the wheel.
[TV plays indistinctly]
What's another way
to say LOL?
Okay. I think you need
younger friends.
Aw! Joan, like, deserves it.
How did they meet?
Some dating site actually.
I was pretty sure, like, she
would meet some duds at first,
but she kinda hit the jackpot.
Good for her.
Those are, like,
really in right now.
- Yeah.
- I should make a profile.
Don't you have a boyfriend?
I mean, we're not, like,
exclusive or whatever.
Hmm. Right.
Bad girl
How's your job search going?
Or are you like even looking?
Kind of. I don't know.
I'm basically waiting around
for an email, so...
Well, did you, like,
follow up with them?
Of course.
I literally wrote them
a letter by hand.
- Wow.
- Hmm.
But that was
two weeks ago, so...
I don't know, I just
don't want to be annoying.
Danny, you need to take charge.
Sheryl Sandberg says
it's important to, like,
make yourself heard.
You working girl.
I'll draft you an email.
It's really okay.
No, seriously, it's like
the least I can do.
If I were you, I would die.
[horn blaring]
Come on.
[electronic dance music playing]
Now that we're together
Now that we're together
Now that we're together
Now that we're together
Now that we're together
I mean, it's a gay club.
Why do straight girls have
to come in and ruin it?
Girl, it's all about ratios.
A straight guy's got a
better chance getting laid here
than anywhere else.
- Raiders are gross.
- Girl.
No, I don't do tobacco.
What about crack?
- Hey.
- Hey.
Can we go?
Just... Just a few more minutes.
I start to feel electric
[horns honk]
Oh. Sorry.
- Hey, I'm Danny.
- Tsk!
I like your profile.
A masc for masc only.
Oh. Okay.
Hey, you looking
for a threesome?
Not... particularly.
- Oh.
- [door closes]
[Joan] Danny...
I'd like you to meet Chester.
- Hey.
- Hey, nice to meet you.
Your mom's told me
a lot about you.
I mean, uh,
not a lot, but...
Yeah, hell with that.
I don't know
anything about you.
In fact, who are you?
Are you related?
Depends on his mood actually.
- Cute.
- Hmm.
So, how was the city?
Uh, fine. Not too memorable.
How's Tanya doing?
Good. Um...
Well, she's kind of a cunt.
- Daniel!
- Sorry, she is.
You just met him,
and you're saying that?
Sorry. I am, like,
a feminist...
Oh, it's fine.
Sailor talk's a full notch
above small talk.
- Aargh.
- Aargh!
Wait, I said sailors,
not pirates.
So what are you guys
doing today?
I know...
- Oh! Whoa!
- [laughing]
Easy does it.
- All right.
- All right?
Is that funny, too?
- [farts]
- Oh!
Oh, no!
- Oh, my God.
- Oh!
- Sorry. Didn't mean to sneak up on you.
- Hi.
It's okay.
So, your mom says
you're quite the yogi.
- Yeah?
- Hmm.
I tried yoga.
I could barely touch
my toes.
Same. Yeah. When I started.
It was the same for me, too.
Did you need something
in the kitchen?
No, I didn't, no.
I... Yeah, I mean,
yes, I did.
I... A towel.
Oh, yeah, totally.
- Well, we keep...
- Oh, here.
- Oh.
- Oh, sorry. No. This. Fine.
Hi, boys.
We are thinking
about grilling later.
You want to join us?
Uh, actually, I have a date.
- Really?
- Yeah.
It's not a big deal.
I'm not that into him,
but he's cute, so...
Is he dark?
However you would say it.
Ethnic or...
What? You date darker guys.
Yeah, he's Filipino.
See, you have a type.
Okay, but I feel like having
a type is racist, okay?
I'm gonna go get ready.
Nice chat.
Hi. Um, it's under Wallace.
For two.
Sorry, I'm late.
Is he here?
When we were kids
We would run under
the sky was so blue
I couldn't keep
my eyes off of you
- Hey.
- I hurt my foot.
- What?
- I hurt my foot, so I can't come.
- Oh.
- That's S-R-Y.
Remember when
We would love blind living
Fell from the stars
[woman on screen] Laura told me
you work in advertising.
How did you get into that?
[man] I graduated
with a degree in marketing.
Started working for my father's
company right outta college.
[woman] So that's how
you made the transition
from school mascot.
- [laughing]
- [man] Ah.
That's one thing
I was hoping...
Oh, Danny.
How did it go?
It was good.
What's wrong?
Nothing. No...
I'm just, I'm just tired.
I'm fine.
- I'm fine.
- Mom.
[Joan sighs]
We were watching a movie...
Chester and I and...
I mean, I was feeling...
for the first time
in a long while.
I mean, really good.
I just started thinking
about Daddy,
and I got so guilty.
I mean, that's his couch.
And Chester noticed and...
He noticed that
I was acting weird,
and I didn't know what to do
and I panicked and...
told him I was tired
and asked him to leave.
I thought I was ready
to start dating again.
You know I'll never love anyone
as much as Daddy.
I know.
So, does this mean you don't
want to see Chester anymore?
I don't know.
I mean, no.
No, I'm just throwing myself
a little pity party.
Do you like him?
Yes. Yeah.
You know, it takes me a while
to warm up to anyone.
He's great.
He is great.
How was your date?
It was good.
It was good.
He was nice.
He paid, so...
Well, at least you went out.
How do you decide who pays?
I don't know.
It's not really assumed.
He offered, so...
Okay, Mom.
I'm gonna hit the hay.
I'll be up in a little bit.
Sleeping in my room now,
I know.
I was just saying.
- [TV playing indistinctly]
- [phone buzzing]
[Danny on phone] Hey, I was
wondering if maybe you could,
um, send me the number of
that guy you were talking about.
Feeling a little blocked.
Uh, sorry, dude. Yeah.
My homie from school's
down the Shore, actually.
Um, but there's actually
this other kid I know about.
Um, the only thing is
he's in high school.
- Ah...
- Friends with my little bro.
That's embarrassing.
That's Norman's house.
- Dude, my mom's here.
- What the fuck?
- Yeah. Sorry.
- Jesus, man. Fuckin'...
- Yo.
- Dude, what the fuck?
My mom's here.
I'd to run 'round the back.
Oh, shit.
So, are, are we trying
to drive away or...
No, man. It's totally chill.
I just don't want her watching.
For sure.
All right. Um, this is
my friend, Danny.
Danny, what's up, man?
Boom! Brap, brap, brap!
[mimicking explosion]
This guy's chill.
So, how much you want?
Oh, uh...
I don't know. I was thinking
maybe you could just
roll me, like, three joints.
You want me
to roll you three joints?
Yeah. I'm trying to cut back
- and don't have a bong at home.
- That sucks, man.
You could always make
an apple bong.
And I'm not a child, so.
I was kidding.
[Norman] I used to blaze like
that every day in seventh grade.
Oh, do you have to, uh,
like, do that in here?
My mom has this really
heightened sense of smell.
Don't be such a pussy, dude.
That's, like, kind of sexist.
I love this guy.
"That's sexist."
So, how much?
Forty bucks.
Forty bucks for three joints?
That's fair.
I miss California.
I'm gonna go ahead
and put that on the list
of personal low points for me.
Dude, I know.
All the old dealers are
in rehab, but whatever.
This town's so fucking dry.
How old is that kid?
Fifteen, I think.
You wanna get some food
or something?
Fine. I could actually go
for some diner food.
How many times
can I be high at the diner?
Oh, so is that a no?
- No. I'm down.
- Perf... [indistinct]
[phone chimes]
Oh, fuck. That producer.
Oh, that show.
Oh, what does it say?
[phone chimes]
These are due
in about two weeks,
and you can just leave that
in the box outside.
It's usually easier
than talking to people.
- Hey.
- Find everything okay?
Yeah, thanks.
Oh, wow.
- Thank you.
- Oh, of course.
I can tell you're so special.
Yes, you deserve to be happy.
- Rich.
- Thank you.
You should have got
that TV job?
- Right?
- You're so qualified.
Come to Los Angeles with me.
I'll give you all the money
that you need
to make your dreams come true.
Thank you.
But now, lean back.
Let me give you
the best blowjob of your life.
I mean, okay.
Is everything all right?
You seem a little off today.
- I do?
- Yeah.
- I quit.
- What?
Oh, did you get that TV job?
Oh, that's great.
Your mom was telling me
how much you wanted that...
No, I didn't get the TV job.
Oh, I'm sorry.
Don't be. I'm moving back
to California.
You are?
- Yeah.
- [scoffs]
Hey, this is Danny.
I don't know why I'm leaving
a voice mail,
but, um, I have, like,
a pretty crazy idea
so call me back.
[pop song playing on speakers]
- [humming along]
- [knocking on door]
Danny, can I come in?
One minute.
[music stops]
- Hi.
- Hi, I'm going right back to work.
I just wanted to check in.
Um, I patched things up
with Chester.
I explained why I was
so weird the other night,
and... he said he's always here
if I need to talk.
That's sweet.
Why's that window open?
It's a nice day.
It's hot,
and you're burning candles?
Mom, so this show
in New York's been staffed.
Oh, honey.
No, it's fine. It's fine.
Um, because...
I think I'm gonna go back
to LA actually.
- You are?
- Yeah.
I mean, I've been getting
so anxious
to get back there,
and there's...
I mean, nothing here
for me so...
I mean, you're here, but...
Right. Right.
And I've been looking
into couch-surfing
because I'm gonna be
road-tripping with Khris.
Oh, I see.
Yeah, I mean,
he's totally down,
and he's unemployed, too, so...
In whose car?
My car.
So I can have it out there.
- That's my car.
- [stammers]
Mom, it was my car
when I lived there,
and you need a car in LA.
Well, you can ask, you know.
Okay, can I have it?
Well, actually, I was thinking
about selling it.
Well, when were you
gonna tell me that?
[Joan sighs]
If you think this is
the best thing to do,
then I support you.
I mean emotionally.
I can't help you out there.
It's... It's too expensive. I...
I know, Mom.
Do you even have
a place to stay?
Yes, with Patricia,
like we discussed.
- Patricia?
- My college roommate.
Oh. Right. Sorry.
I'm gonna stay with her family
for a little bit
until we find a place.
Do you even have a job
out in California?
- No.
- Danny!
Mom, can you stop
pressuring me, okay.
I'm doing it enough myself.
I'll freelance,
I'll drive a fucking Uber.
I don't care. Okay?
I have to go.
I am suffocating here.
I know.
I'm just gonna miss you.
Well, you can always move
out there with me.
There's a thought.
There better be no pot
on this trip, Daniel.
No pit stops in Colorado.
Mom, no.
Of course not.
[sobbing softly]
[doorbell ringing]
[doorbell continues ringing]
Where is your mother?
- Joanie?
- [door closes]
- Thank you. [sniffles]
- Yeah.
So, I'm on, um...
one of those dating sites.
Looking around
at the dating sites.
- For your mom.
- Right.
Kind of and, um...
I see a... profile,
and it looks familiar,
but it's fuzzy.
And so...
I click on it, and, uh...
it's Jeff.
And I'm not surprised
because he's a fucking asshole
and a pathological liar.
[Lisa sighs]
Do you have any idea
how many men have asked me out
and hit on me over the years?
Just guess.
- Guess.
- Um...
Say a number.
A lot have.
And I, you know, of course
I never slept with them
because one of us
is a decent human being.
- Right?
- Totally.
And then you get fucked
'cause he's a liar,
and people don't change.
I knew that.
Yeah, people don't change.
Lisa, everything okay?
[whispering] -Jeff's cheating on her.
- Oh, my God.
I know.
I gotta go.
I'm planning
things with Khris?
- Oh, okay.
- Good luck.
[Danny] Actually, we could do the
trip in, like, four or five days max.
Sounds dope.
And, like, I think
we could just drive
straight to the middle states,
you know.
I mean, I've been
to Kansas before,
and I don't really know what it
has to offer other than, like,
farmland and windmills.
I wanna see red rocks.
Colorado's the spot. We got
to crash there for a few days.
I've got
a few homies there, so...
You want a beer?
- Or wine?
- That.
Yeah. What, red or...
- Ideally, yeah.
- Yeah?
Actually, I could have a beer.
I mean, you have a lemon?
I'm kidding.
- Oh, that's probably the dudes.
- [indistinct chattering]
The dudes?
- Yo, what's up?
- Yo!
Sorry, what are you guys
doing these days?
I hate this question,
but I literally have no idea.
Yeah, just working.
Yeah, I'm an analyst in iBank.
That's cool.
Yeah, I'm training.
I just started this week.
[TV playing indistinctly]
Danny, what do you do?
Oh, just some film stuff.
Uh, recently,
I just applied to this,
this TV job in the city,
but it didn't really
work out, so...
I'm commuting there now.
- It sucks.
- Oh, man. Don't get me started.
Yeah, but I can't afford to pay rent in the
city yet. The rent's fucking ridiculous.
[man 2] Yeah, but it's such a long
drive, that's like a four-hour trek.
Yeah, long like my dick.
Can't believe all you guys
have jobs now.
Yeah, it's...
it's kinda what happens
after college, right?
Yeah, but I mean, like,
I don't have a job,
and you guys were all slackers
in high school, so...
Danny and I actually
are going on a road trip.
Oh, no shit. Where to?
- [man] Dude, that's sick.
- [Khris] Right?
[man 1] I just got back
from a road trip myself.
[man 2] Oh, yeah? From?
[man 1] Yeah, I hit up
all the national parks.
My dad and me,
we started down south
and then went all the way
up to Wyoming.
- We hiked, like, every day.
- [man 2] That's sweet.
[man 1] It really gave me
some perspective.
You are making an ass
out of yourself.
You need to just go home.
So, just go out there,
say you need to go.
And go.
Oh, they went to a party.
I just felt like staying in.
If that's cool with you?
Yeah. For sure.
I think my parents fell asleep.
You wanna smoke
in the hot tub?
So, have you ever been
to Los Angeles?
I saw most of Hollywood,
the pier.
It was cool.
I just... I don't really know
if I could live there.
You know?
Yeah, there are so many
different neighborhoods.
It's hard to, like, get a feel
for it or whatever.
But we have to go
to Los Feliz.
There are so many
good brunch places
and so many good stores.
And then there's
the fiesta and...
Ahh! I'm getting so excited.
Yeah. No. Do not be sorry.
We're gonna remember
this trip for, like...
the rest of our lives.
You know that, right?
Like that time that we
road-tripped across the country.
- Right.
- [chuckles]
And I'm gonna stop smoking
when I get there.
I'm just gonna follow the dream.
We don't have to smoke
right now if you don't want to.
Oh, God, no.
We're in New Jersey.
What else is there to do?
You never really smoked
in high school.
Or drank, now that
I think of it.
Yeah, it's because
I was usually
pretty worried that I would
come out or something,
or I would say something,
like, super gay.
But it was never really
because I was above it
or whatever.
Wait, was it hard, like,
being in the closet for so long?
Uh... no. I mean...
not really.
I was always pretty secure.
Okay, that's not totally true.
I mean, middle school was hard.
But that's because everyone's
the worst in middle school.
I was the worst.
I fucking hated my braces, man.
- [chuckles]
- And I wore so much Hollister.
Uhh! So much Hollister.
And the girls, the girls were
such bitches in middle school.
God, can you imagine
being that age right now
with Instagram and Snapchat
and all that shit.
I mean, they're literally
competing for likes.
Yeah, but I bet the guys get
so many nudes now.
- I would have loved that.
- [both chuckle]
You were such a bur.
Yo, still am.
Yo, hold up. It's hot.
Take it.
Oh, fuck.
- Yeah.
- [Khris chuckles]
Uh, where are you working out,
by the way?
I'm sorry, I've just been trying
to look for a place to go to
while I'm here...
No, man, you're fine.
You're fine.
[grunts] I really do gotta hit
up the gym again though soon.
I've been such
a lazy fucker lately.
- Yeah?
- Yeah.
Really? I mean, it kinda looks
like you do, so...
Well, good, that's a relief
'cause all I fucking do is eat.
Like, thank God
for my metabolism, right?
Yeah, well,
it will never be faster, so...
[both laughing]
Here. Sorry.
- Oh, shit. Danny.
- Fuck. Sorry.
- Fuck.
- Don't worry about it.
It's fine. Don't even worry...
Whoa, dude.
- I'm not gay, man.
- No, I know.
I... Of course I know.
- Sorry.
- Danny.
I thought
we were friends, right?
No, we are.
We are friends.
[Khris] Dude...
Dude, Danny.
[Danny] I'm sorry.
Maybe I should go.
I'm really sorry. I...
I don't know why I did that.
I mean,
I fucking hate gay guys
that do that shit
and now I'm one of them,
and I don't even like you. So...
I mean, I like you, but I don't,
like, like you like that.
These pants are
so fucking tight.
Yeah. Sorry.
- Are you... Are you... Can you drive?
- Yeah, I'm fine.
[alarm beeping]
[keypad beeping]
Danny? Oh, sorry. I...
I just got off the phone
with Chester.
Guess what?
We said those
three little words.
"I love you."
I, of course, wish it wasn't
over the phone,
but I called him after Lisa left
and we got to talking,
and it just sort of happened.
Can you believe it?
I'm in love.
You don't look very happy.
I mean...
you just met this guy.
We've been dating
for over a month.
I mean, I'm happy for you,
don't you just think that
this is just a little naive.
Excuse me?
I don't know, Mom.
I think that you probably
just forgot
what it's like to have
butterflies in your stomach,
and you're mistaking that
for love.
Don't condescend, Daniel.
I hate when you do that.
I'm not condescending.
I'm looking out for you.
I don't want you to get hurt.
Okay? Puppy love
is one thing, Mom.
"Love" love is something
completely different.
I know that.
Maybe you would, too,
if you got off your high horse
and gave someone a chance.
Oh, okay.
Sure, let me just pick
from the plethora
of gay men that exist
in this town.
I didn't go to my prom, Mom.
Oh, don't make this
a gay thing.
"A gay thing?"
You always make it
a gay thing.
You are so lucky
that it is so black and white
for you.
Oh, you think it's easy
dating at 50?
Are you kidding me?
It has been so easy for you
this entire time.
It's easy
for every straight person.
He buys you dinner,
and then you put out.
And I know that I'm white
and I'm privileged and blessed,
but sometimes I want to put out.
I don't put out.
And sometimes I pay.
And we haven't even had sex yet.
And you're saying I love you?
Mom. Eww!
You're fucking delusional.
Why can't you just admit
that you're gonna be alone?
What's the matter
with you, Danny?
Are you high... right now?
I had a drink.
Did you drive?
I'm 23.
Come here.
You are high.
You could have killed yourself.
Or worse, someone innocent.
What is wrong with you?
Where's your stash?
Whatever the fuck you call it.
Where's the pot?
- I don't have any pot.
- Where is it? Oh!
You know, I may be...
but at least I'm fucking trying.
[door closes]
You want a bag or are you
just enjoying the smell?
- It's an empty bag.
- All right.
I think that's yours, too.
Oh, God.
Ugh. I hate that part.
- [Lisa laughing]
- It's sick.
- Really.
- You know what I do?
I just fling it
into the woods after.
- You what?
- Yeah, no, I don't want it
stinking up my garage.
So, I just... I make sure
no one's looking,
and I just fucking fling it
into the woods.
All right, well,
close your eyes.
Oh. No. Okay, they're closed.
Whoa! Happy New Year! Opa!
Well, you know...
Doesn't that feel good?
- Yeah.
- Yeah.
Well, you seem like
you're doing much better.
Yeah, yeah. No, I am.
It's okay.
You know, I, um...
I kicked him out.
You know,
for real this time. Yeah.
- Good for you.
- Yeah.
He keeps leaving shit
on my porch.
- Hmm.
- I mean, not like poop shit,
but like, you know...
flowers and...
cards and pastries,
and I just fucking fling them
into the woods.
- Yeah.
- Except the pastries.
Yeah, gotta keep those.
Those are good.
What about you? Weren't you
seeing that fella, Khris?
Oh, uh...
turns out he's straight.
Oh, fuck, I hate straight men.
- Hate 'em.
- Me too.
- I'm sorry.
- It's okay.
We were gonna go
on a road trip to LA,
and then I jumped his bones,
and he really wasn't
into it, so...
So, what have they got there
that they don't have here?
I don't know.
The industry.
Other gay people.
We have gay people.
We have lots...
Hey, gay people!
Come out!
I have someone
I want you to meet.
- They're in all the basements.
- Yeah.
And what do you do
in the industry?
I write. I wanna...
I wanna write movies.
- Oh.
- Make movies.
- Yeah.
- And you can't do that here?
Well, I gave it a shot, and it
didn't really work out, so...
Bad writing?
I guess I'm just
not really disciplined here.
[Lisa laughing]
I'm sorry.
You think
you could be disciplined,
like, homeless
on Hollywood Boulevard
having to pay
for everything yourself?
It's not gonna change.
I mean, get your shit
together here.
You got a roof over your head,
you got free food...
good food...
you got a fucking car.
You gotta just follow
your dream, right?
You're only 23 once.
- Thank God.
- [Lisa chuckles]
I mean, don't ask me.
I'm the wrong one to ask.
If I could have done
what I wanted at 23,
really, my passion...
You gotta think about it.
And, you know, I know
your mom would be thrilled.
She loves you around.
I went to your reading
last week
All your exes were there
I made small talk with them
one at a time
While their eyes searched
the room
And they tried not to care
What's all this?
So, I know that this doesn't
make up for anything,
but... made
your favorite chicken.
Walnut encrusted?
I mean, it's the only thing
I know how to make, so...
I want you to know that...
I know what a shit I've been...
and that I really appreciate
everything that you do for me.
And I'm so sorry.
And I think that
I actually want to stay,
if that's okay.
You cleaned?
What you said last night
really hurt my feelings.
I know.
And I'm so sorry.
You're gonna have
to start paying rent.
A little rent.
Okay. That's...
And I'm gonna need
some more help around the house
to pay for the car.
So, does this mean I can stay?
Oh, honey,
of course you can stay.
You could have
really hurt yourself.
I don't know
what I'd do without you.
It hurts just thinking about it.
You are so smart...
and so creative.
You're gonna do amazing things.
[doorbell rings]
Oh. Good.
One second.
- Who is that?
- [door opens]
[door creaking]
Come on in.
Here. Thank you.
It may be a little dry,
to be honest,
um, but there is ketchup
and stuff in the fridge.
No, Danny.
This is great.
Just great.
Hear, hear.
Well, thank you.
Uh, Chester,
would you like something
more than water?
- Beer?
- Little blow.
- Uh, we're all out of blow.
- [Chester] No blow.
Uh, then, just the beer then.
Okay. Danny?
I'm okay, I think.
My liver needs a little break.
Good idea.
- Thank you for the Malbeck.
- Oh.
[keyboard clacking]
Hi. Sorry I'm late.
I, um, had to take,
like, my bike.
This is
the writer's group, right?
I'm sorry, Connie,
you were saying?
[Connie] The differences
between women who lead
and women who don't.
I like your murse.
Oh, thank you.
You know, I really liked
your story actually.
I was... I wanted to tell
you that. It was super funny.
Um, it's the first time
I can probably honestly say
that I chortled.
- You chortled. Uh-oh.
- I chortled.
Did you clean it up?
- All over.
- Oh, God.
- I'm Danny.
- I'm Richard.
I... Do you plan
on coming back next week?
Yeah, I think so.
Um, still kinda getting used
to the...
- share-as-you-write thing...
- Mm-hmm.
...but it's cool.
Yeah. I mean, I like it...
It takes a second
to get into it,
but I like it 'cause
it really keeps you focused,
you know, that's sort of...
- [object clatters on floor]
- Oh, no.
Ohhh! Oh.
- It was already like that?
- Oh, no, no, no, I'm a mess.
- This has... This has, uh...
- Yeah.
...been like that for a while.
Just save the cash.
Drop it all the time.
- Right, right, right.
- Yeah, yeah, yeah.
But it still works?
I mean, I'm not taking
as many selfies.
Oh, yeah, well...
But you could still get
someone's number
if you... if you met someone,
I mean?
- Uh...
- For writing purposes?
Yeah. Of course.
For writing purposes.
- How about I give you mine?
- Sure.
- Okay.
- Yeah, okay.
Oh, okay.
- Never when you need it, right?
- Never when you need it. No.
Okay. Oh, and there we go.
Here. Uh, wait,
you're gay, right?
- Super gay. Yeah, I am.
- Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
I need a fucking haircut.
Okay, do the fade thing.
You always do that.
I know, but it's
my signature look.
I just need a trim.
[trimmer buzzing]
I am here.
Okay, you guys,
we can talk about
how cute I look or just not
acknowledge the elephant in the room.
- Oh, my God.
- Oh!
Someone pressed the hot
and handsome buttons.
Thank you.
So what's this kid's name again?
- Richard.
- [Chester] Richard?
- One man's Richard is another man's Dick.
- [snickering]
[Joan laughing]
- Okay, come on.
- [Chester] What?
You're dating a Dick.
Mature. Really?
[laughter continues]
Have you heard
the snort laugh yet?
- [Chester] I have. Several times.
- Good.
- Stop it.
- Charming.
- It's cute.
- Don't tease me.
- [Joan whining]
- [doorbell rings]
Don't get up.
So, what else do you do
besides write?
Um, well, I work
at a magazine in the city.
- Oh, cool.
- Yeah. I run the social for it,
and we just launched.
- Which one?
- "Architectural Digest."
I follow them on Instagram.
- I run the Instagram.
- [laughs]
- Amazing.
- Yeah.
- Amazing.
- That's funny.
Uh, what about you?
Well, I'm currently trying
to figure out
how to pay the bills,
or even have them.
But I'm writing a script.
Oh, right. Yeah, that's
the thing you told me about.
- Mother-son...
- Yes.
So they're both single
and they're online dating and...
It's kind of autobiographical.
The main character's
kind of a mess.
Yeah, like a cute mess though.
Yeah. Hopefully.
Are you about ready to order?
I'm sorry. I haven't looked
at the menu yet.
Yeah, me neither.
- Take your time.
- Thank you.
All right, please email me
the draft, you know,
when you feel ready.
- I would love that.
- Yeah.
I really would.
And I'll send you mine
as well obviously.
Yeah. And, uh, thanks
for walking me to the garage.
Yeah. I don't know
if you would have made it...
- Yeah. Who knows.
- yourself. It's, um...
- Um, you're a gentleman.
- So are you.
- And I'll drive next time.
- Okay. Sounds good.
- Okay.
- All right.
- Catch you later.
- Bye.
Oh, honey. Sorry.
Your mattress came.
It's okay.
Wait, don't get up.
Whoo, this is soft.
How was it?
It was good.
I think I like this one.
Did he pay?
I did actually.
With what money?
I have a credit card.
- And I walk dogs.
- Hmm.
What an exhausting day. I'll
be so glad when it's tomorrow.
Me too.
Good night.
Love you.
Love you, too.
you were right, by the way.
Nice is good.
Nice is good.
- Are you gonna turn off the...
- Yes, I will.
Sometimes you gotta try
Sometimes you find
To seek what's on
the other side
Close your eyes...
The world is
on your side tonight
Maybe I've been hiding away
From the life
I could have had today
Doesn't matter
where I've been
'Cause tonight
I feel lighter
Driving downtown
with the windows down
I'll go higher
Than I've ever been before
'Cause I've been up
and I've been down
Now I'm back
with the feet on the ground
Feel the weight of the world
lift off my shoulders
Well, I've been gone
too long
On a mission
Searching for a sign
but now I know
I'll be missing
The best days come in life
When you let go
And now I
Take it day by day
For no one but me
The truth is
Now I'm on my way
Maybe I've been hiding away
From the life
I could have had today
Doesn't matter
where I've been
'Cause tonight
I feel lighter
Driving downtown
with the windows down
I'll go higher
Than I've ever been before
'Cause I've been up
and I've been down
Now I'm back
with my feet on the ground
Feel the weight of the world
lift off my shoulders
Feel the weight of the world
lift off my shoulders