Dave Attell: Captain Miserable (2007) Movie Script
1
Thank you, D.C. Thank you.
Thank you. Thank you.
Thank you.
Thank you.
Whoo!
Oh. D.C., thank you,
Washington, D.C.
on the weekend.
Let's turn the law machine off
and party.
Yeah.
Let's keep partying,
'cause the show's not over
till someone throws up
on my dick, all right?
Don't drink and drive, kids.
Mixed messages, I know.
Do not drink and drive.
I've been there,
I know how it is.
I've been there. Look at me,
I've been there, okay?
I know it.
It gets late, you're drunk,
you're thinking, "What's
the worst that can happen?
"I'll hit another drunk driver,
and then we'll just high-five
and laugh."
If you drink wine and you think
you have a drinking problem,
you don't.
You're gay, okay?
You cannot go to rehab
with a wine problem.
No one wants to hear
your stories
about going to the Pottery Barn
or sailing, antiquing.
You're a fag, okay?
Even the guy who drinks Zima,
you're his bitch.
You can't even blame drunk talk
on wine.
"Where the whores at?
"Sorry, that's not me.
"That's the Beaujolais.
Look at this year.
It's a saucy year."
I used to drink a lot
of Jagermeister, mm-hm.
Yeah, I know.
You guys did too.
Jagermeister is for children.
It is. It's too sweet.
I'm serious.
I give it out on Halloween,
that's what I do.
"Here's a shot, go home, find
your dad's gun, be somebody.
All right?"
Jager is fun yet disappointing.
It's kind of like running
downstairs on Christmas morning
and realizing you're Jewish.
It kinda sucks.
"Where is everybody?
Oh, I remember."
Now...
Heh-heh-heh.
There's no commercials
for Jagermeister.
I've never seen one. Have you?
No, I haven't. Right?
There should be some, right?
So you know
what you're getting into.
But there aren't any.
But I thought of some.
Do you guys wanna hear it?
Do you?
Do you or don't you? You do?
Okay.
Commercials for Jagermeister.
A guy comes out of a hedge.
He's covered in mud and blood.
He's holding one high heel shoe.
"Did I just eat a stripper?"
"Jager."
There you go.
To the point. Direct.
How about another one?
Can you do another one?
I think you could.
A little girl is sitting
on the swing,
not swinging.
A tear rolls down her cheek.
"Where's Daddy?"
"Jager." There you go.
How about a third one?
Can you do another one,
you think?
You guys are great. Okay.
A guy, let's call him me,
is fucking the left eye
of a pumpkin, okay?
"If that pumpkin didn't want it,
why was it smiling at me?"
"Jager."
Yes. Yes.
Yeah. Yeah.
I'm trying to teach.
I'm teaching.
I was in the Middle East
doing shows for the troops,
and let me tell...
Thank you. Well, thank you.
I'm not exactly sure
if they enjoyed it,
since I kind of look like
every other guy
who's trying to kill them
over there.
I'm walking around trying to act
very American, you know?
"Where's the pork at?
Who's got some pussy?
What's up?"
The Middle East is a very, very
religious place.
No one has sex,
but they smell
like they just did, okay?
It's not their fault.
It's hot.
I met a local guy over there,
something...
I don't know his name, something
with a lot of Q's, U's and Z's.
I called him Quiznos.
I said, "Queazy,
what's the big hullabaloo...?"
Which is a dessert over there.
"What's the big problem?
Why can't we get along?"
He's like, "My friend, you must
understand we look at the world
differently than you do
in the West."
I'm like,
"You're exactly right, Q.
We look at the world through
a two-eyebrow system, okay?"
What is up with the monobrow?
Can I get a tweezer
for Teen Wolf over here?
Help him out.
Here's my idea for peace:
water parks.
It's a hot place, man.
I don't know about you,
but on a hot day, a water park
takes all the mean out of me.
I'm a functional drunk.
You put me on a flume,
I turn from a total alcoholic
into a giggly little fat man
with my big fat boy tits
all wet and pert.
Get these people on a flume!
Get 'em wet, get 'em laughing.
Then we shoot 'em. Now, easy.
Calm down. Calm down.
You go to the Middle East,
what's the first thing you wanna
see?
Something you've heard
a lot about.
A woman beaten for driving
a car, right?
Then you get something to eat.
Now what do you wanna do?
Camel ride.
Yeah.
A camel.
You wanna get on him,
ride him around.
Put a cigarette in his mouth
and laugh at him.
It's a tourist attraction.
Just like when you go
to southeast D.C.,
what do you wanna see?
Pregnant crack whore. Yeah.
You wanna see it, ride it,
put a cigarette in her mouth
and laugh at her.
"Boo! Problems! Boo!
You insensitive prick. Boo!"
I was just down in Florida,
half-business, half-pleasure.
I was putting my mom in
a nursing home, and I'll tell...
Relax.
She thinks she's voting. Now...
Florida looks like
a gigantic penis, doesn't it?
Have you ever Googled it?
It looks like a gigantic peener
about to shoot a load
of freedom all over Cuba.
A bukkake of choices and ideas.
"Jager." Now...
I went down to Florida... I went
down to Florida, okay?
'Cause it looks like
a gigantic penis.
I wasn't on the, uh, you know,
Miami, Fort Lauderdale...
I was on the other side.
The taint of Florida.
It definitely smelled like
balls, that's all I'm gonna say.
All right, anyway, you know,
it's like one of those places,
redneck kind of place, where you
go into a strip club,
and there's, like,
300 pounds of sad
hanging upside down on a pole,
and... You know?
You kinda wanna laugh, but her
kids are there cheering her on,
you know what I'm saying?
No, I went down there.
I wanted to see the shuttle go
up, you know, our space program.
I wanted to see that.
No one was there.
I was the only guy there.
Everybody was at NASCAR.
Who's your favorite astronaut?
If you could only fuck one
astronaut, who would it be?
Mission Specialist
Blah-Ba-Da-Da, I don't know.
But NASCAR, now that's
something different.
'Cause going into outer space,
that's for nerds.
But driving quickly
in a circle...
Who isn't wet?
You know why?
'Cause we're Americans.
And we only like competition,
okay? Yeah.
Now, if one shuttle
raced another shuttle
into outer space,
and they had stickers and shit
on 'em,
and the countdown was done
by celebrities,
like DUI celebrities, you know,
like a Mel Gibson.
"Ten, nine, Jews." All right?
"The Jews control space."
Were you guys upset
when Steve Irwin died?
Were you? Yeah.
You should... Three of you were?
One guy wasn't.
'Cause you know what?
He didn't die, he was murdered.
Okay? Yes.
The crocodiles put a hit out
on him
using the stingray or, as I call
it, the Puerto Rican of the sea.
Yeah. Hear me? Hear me.
With its switchblade-like tail
and deliciously big brown eyes.
Where were the dolphins
that day?
Our friends in the oceans.
The dolphins.
Laughing, smiling.
Teaching retards how to swim.
Here's my one retarded story.
I might as well
tell you right now.
It's true, so there you go.
I was smoking in a bar. Just
smoking. This was years ago.
I don't even know how long ago,
but it was when you could smoke
in a bar, all right?
So back then, I was smoking.
Not breaking the law. Smoking.
Kid comes up to me,
he's retarded, all right?
I think he's retarded.
I know he is.
He's wearing medals for sports
that don't exist,
he's wearing a ski boot
and a flipper, okay?
This guy's either retarded
or he's ready for everything.
"Jager." Now...
I'm smoking
with my unretarded mind.
The kind that can download porn
as you talk to your mother
on the phone, yes.
Semi-genius.
I'm smoking, this is what he
does to me:
"Heeh! Heeh! Heeh!"
I'm like, "Are you shooting webs
of stupid at me?"
Watch out.
Webs of stupid, watch out.
He got me.
Can't ride a bike. Now...
Get this, it gets worse.
His wife...
I don't have a wife. He does.
His wife goes,
"Can you put out that cigarette?
"He doesn't like
secondhand smoke.
It's a killer."
I'm like, "Really?
"He's retarded.
That can't be his biggest fear."
No, I know it sounds mean,
but really.
That's gotta be pretty low
on the fears of the retard-os.
Number one: fork,
electrical outlet, okay?
That kills thousands.
That's their Omaha Beach.
Then you got buttons
that look like candy, all right?
Who hasn't been fooled?
Secondhand smoke. Everybody's
health conscious but me.
Even the handicapped people,
God bless 'em,
they're out there doing things.
A blind man climbed to the top
of Mount Everest,
or so he thinks, all right?
That's a lot of trust, guys.
I mean, really.
If that was my buddies, they
would have taken me everywhere
but the top of Mount Everest.
I would have been shivering
on the roof of a gay bar,
sucking on what I hope
is an icicle.
"What a salty icicle," I'd say.
"What do you think,
seeing eye dog?"
"Uh-oh. That's his 'There's
a cock in my mouth' growl."
Thank you.
Truly.
That was great, wasn't it? Yes.
Do you guys call it "blow jobs"
or "Let's make some throat
babies?" What do you guys say?
Where are my Christians? Where
are my Christians out here?
Let's talk about real issues.
I wanna be that kind of comic.
I'm not really political.
I wanna talk about
real fucking things,
like, I don't know, pro-choice.
All right?
Ladies? Nothing?
Some of you?
You know, they might take
your right away, girls,
but they will never, ever
take your right to get drunk
and throw yourself down
a flight of stairs, all right?
'Cause you can't arrest gravity,
fuck-o!
Yeah.
That's right.
Thank the I-man for that.
Not I, miss.
Isaac Newton, that's right.
That fucker has given us
so much joy.
Whether it's America's Funniest
Home Videos...
Babies falling down.
Or really cheap abortions.
Thank you. That one was
deliciously evil, wasn't it?
It was funny yet sad,
kinda like being tit-fucked
by a clown, you know?
"Jager." Now...
It's been over a year, guys.
I declare the tsunami's
now funny. Now...
This is not for everybody.
This is not a joke for everyone.
I know what you're thinking:
"Dave, you're gonna lose your
entire Indonesian fan base."
The tsunami, or as I call it,
God's money shot, is...
Global warming. That's what
I'm trying to get at.
Global warming, guys.
I don't know about you guys,
maybe it's true, maybe it's not,
maybe I work for an oil company.
The ice caps are melting,
people.
People always say it that way.
"The ice caps are melting."
Maybe there's some really cool
shit under those ice caps.
I mean, like treasure.
Or even better than treasure:
a talking dinosaur
who we can all
have adventures with.
Me first.
I thought it up.
What if he's really wise too,
and he can help us
with our problems?
"Hey, dinosaur buddy,
since you are fuel,
"maybe you would know
what the next untapped resource
"in this country is
that we can burn.
"What did you say? Mexicans?
That's fucking racist.
"You're a fucking racist.
"No one likes
a prehistoric racist.
Can I get a drink
for Hitler-saurus over here?"
Ahem. Ready? Good.
Potheads, where are you?
Yeah.
You should have...
Talking dinosaur,
how fucking cool was that, huh?
Don't do drugs, guys. Don't.
I mean, do them.
Who am I to tell you fuckers
what to do?
I don't care. Live it up.
I don't smoke pot, though.
It's not my drug, okay?
I know you're hissing me,
one guy's hissing me.
That's 'cause he doesn't really
see me.
There's an imaginary comic
behind him
that I'm interrupting.
I used to smoke pot. I don't.
Don't. Uh-uh.
I'd like to talk about
the last time I did smoke pot.
I was smoking some herb,
some chronic.
Trees, whatever it is.
I don't know.
I was smoking something,
and all of a sudden
I couldn't think.
My heart was pounding,
my left arm was numb.
And I'm thinking I'm either
dying or bowling. Now...
I think pot
should be legal though.
You guys?
Don't worry, I have
enough energy for all of us.
Pot should be legal.
It should be.
It's on the top
of Mount Should Be.
Right under
"I should have a bigger dick,"
pot should be legal.
But it won't.
'Cause you fucking potheads
aren't making it happen.
You're not out there every night
like us fucking alcoholics are
affecting society.
Things have been invented
because of alcohol.
Like the Taser, okay?
Yeah.
The morning-after pill, okay?
The reacharound.
Judge Judy.
What has pot given the world?
Hacky Sack? Yeah.
Hilarious ringtones? Oh, God.
Ultimate Frisbee championships?
It sucks to be a champion at a
sport that can't get you laid.
It's an unneeded skill, kind of
like being, I don't know,
the best banjo player
or a squirter. Now...
Did you guys just wake up?
I knew that would wake you up.
I will give you potheads
one thing.
You know your way
around a microwave oven.
Amazing.
Yell any food out,
you guys will know the time.
It's like, "Baked potato."
"Three minutes."
Au gratin, pull it out,
laugh at it,
put it in
for another 30 seconds.
Don't even need cheese.
I'm a fat man,
I'll give you that.
I am fat, but at least
I act my own weight, okay?
I hate it when I see a fat man
not acting fat.
You've seen them out there. It's
a hot day. You've seen them.
Rollerblading.
Wearing shorts.
Talking to a live woman.
I even dream fat. I do.
I woke up the other night,
I'm like,
"When are we gonna get
some new soups?"
Honestly.
When's the last time you were
blown away by a new soup?
I can't think of it.
Nothing.
It doesn't even have to be good,
just something different.
Break up the monotony.
Just once I wanna go into
a restaurant and they're like,
"The soups of the day,
we got lentil,
"mushroom barley
and whale come."
"Did you say 'whale come'?"
"I know, it sounds
more like a chowder." But, uh...
Wouldn't you try it?
Wouldn't you give it a nibble?
Just to have that in your
references of tastes?
You go out with your friends.
"Oh, that meal sucked."
"Well, it was no whale come
soup, I'll tell you that."
Was that a joke about whale come
or the environment?
I don't know.
We get new juices all the time,
don't we? Yeah.
Everyone has a favorite juice.
Here's one of mine:
pineapple juice.
Love it. Pineapple juice.
Oh. It's so sweet.
It's too sweet.
It's not even juice
or the laughter of children.
As opposed to tomato juice.
What evil fucking mind
thought that up?
Is the Taliban behind that shit?
It's so tart and bitter
and unforgiving.
That's not juice.
That's the tears of Indians,
yes.
Thank you.
You know, I was dating
a Native American girl,
and she hated that joke.
She told me to stop doing it,
but I kept doing it,
and she got really pissed.
And I'm like, "You know,
"you of all people should know
promises mean nothing, okay?"
Anyhoo... And that was her name.
Anyhoo Walking Stick
Shiny Knife.
A lovely girl, but a temper.
Yes.
A temper. She slapped me.
She slapped me.
I'm a gentleman.
I don't hit women, okay?
Yeah, I don't.
Even during the Super Bowl.
I do not touch chicks.
I just coughed on her and she
died several days later, yeah.
A little white man karate,
bitch.
A little trick
Columbus taught me.
Don't boo me, boo history,
all right? I mean, really.
I know what women like. You know
what they like? Flowers. Yeah.
Flowers. Right here. Yes?
Exactly.
I'm not Dr. Phil, guys.
I'm not a doctor.
But I think women like flowers
a million times more
than a kick in the cunt.
Am I right?
I am not a doctor.
I'm going with what I know.
Okay, let me figure it out.
Here's flowers way up here,
okay?
Here's a kick in the cooch
down here.
Or here if you're Filipino,
okay?
They're teeny.
Somewhere in between
is Applebee's, okay?
It's not that great,
could be worse.
I'm sorry
for using the c-word, guys.
Honestly, I apologize.
I did that joke one time
and there was a 6-year-old boy
sitting in the crowd.
And I felt horrible,
'cause the first time
a young boy should hear that
is from his dad's drunken lips
as he's being handcuffed
and put in a squad car.
"Tell that cunt I'll be back.
It's my trailer too!"
I like these girls, man.
You guys are hot.
I don't know if you're into
the tattoos and piercings,
anything like that?
Straight up?
Okay, that's cool.
I like the piercing thing,
you know.
Girls, I think that's cool
if you want to decorate
and all that.
That's your business.
Just let a guy in on it, okay?
Sometimes you go down there
and it's like,
"What is...? What?"
I'd better proceed with caution.
A pierced hooch
is like finding a washer
in the most delicious
corned beef sandwich, okay?
I am... Heh.
I am... Ha, ha.
Really?
I am not the best analogy guy.
Ladies, there's a lot
of beauties out here tonight.
I see you, yeah.
It's summer.
It's summer
and that means shaving.
It usually means
some shaving down there.
The Brazilian wax.
I've heard of it.
Yeah?
Some fans of it.
I've heard of it.
Personally, I've never seen it.
It's kind of a legend,
like the Loch Ness monster
or something like that.
I usually show up weeks later
when whoever that was for,
it did not work out, okay?
Now it's serious
down there, okay?
It's starting to grow back,
it's got this, kind of,
3:00 shadow look to it,
like, your snatch
has been up all night
trying to solve a murder.
It looks... Really.
It is definitely not
a fun-gina, that's for sure.
I give you credits, girls.
That's a very complicated thing,
down there.
Not like the penis,
which is idiot-proof.
I mean, come on,
have you ever come across a cock
and you're like, "I'm stymied.
I give up."
Each one's the same.
It's like a rider mower.
You just sit on it
making small circles
till it runs out of gas.
Each one's the same.
It's the same thing.
Suck, suck, lick, pretend to gag
so he thinks he's huge...
Watch your eyes, you're done.
There is
that one guy out there, right?
That one kinky fucking freak,
you know?
That guy's like,
"You wanna make me come?
"Well, nibble my ball-sack
like it's a bag of trail mix.
Nibble it up."
Num, num, num.
Num, num, num.
"Now lift the whole package
and tongue my anus.
"Tongue it.
"Like you're waiting
for an acceptance letter
"from Brown University.
Get in there.
Do it."
Do you guys know
what bukkake means?
You do?
How come everybody knows that?
I don't know, guys.
If your lady
will let you do that...
Which means shooting your love
on her face neck or back.
She's cool.
If she lays there
and lets it dry, marry her.
All right?
Doesn't it suck when you come up
with something so true,
yet it's too long to fit
on a T-shirt?
Some...
Some guys are really into it,
you know?
I don't know, I get really,
kind of like...
I feel bad about it.
I turn into, like,
a English schoolboy.
I'm so defensive.
I'm like,
"Oopsy-diddly.
"Pardon me, madams,
did I get me rah-rah juice
on your peepers?"
Are there any English
people here? Back me up.
Was that a great impression,
or what?
Didn't you feel like you
were in London town right now?
Vicious handjobs.
What is up with that, girls?
Yeah, you know what I'm saying.
Some of you girls
are pulling way too hard.
Some of you are pulling
like you're trying
to pull a better-looking guy
out of me.
What is that?
I didn't swallow
Patrick Dempsey, okay?
I'm the same bald, fat guy
who met you on MySpace,
deal with it.
And you don't even
have the class
to spit on your hand first.
A dry, hobo jerk down.
What are your stepfathers
teaching you?
Wow.
What a great joke.
The only thing missing
from that joke
was Oprah silently nodding.
I'm into lube.
How about you guys?
Lube? Girls? Lube?
You got your own favorite?
Good for you, buddy.
Some guys like K-Y, Astroglide.
Personally, I'm a gravy man.
Yeah.
Brown gravy.
This next part,
you're gonna moan at.
But I think you guys are cool
so I think you're gonna like it.
How do you, uh...?
How do you handle it
with your special lady?
Do you put it on
or what do you do?
There you go.
All right.
On your dick to her?
There you go.
All right.
I like to spoon-feed it in.
Like it's a naughty little baby.
Open up the beef lips!
Here comes
the George Clooney juice.
What?
What, you don't like improv?
I love children, guys.
I do.
I'm serious.
I'm on the Internet,
talking to them all day.
All right?
Pedophilia.
You know what I'm talking about.
This is a smart town.
Pedophilia.
You've heard about it.
First of all,
I wanna say one thing:
I would never,
ever touch a child.
Even if the kid was on fire,
and the only thing wet around
was my ass, mouth
and lips. Okay?
He's gonna burn,
but he's gonna
go to heaven untouched,
so he can play football
with Jesus.
Pedophilia. Come on,
let's think of it the other way.
I mean, really,
are we making a mountain
out of a delicious
7 to 9-year-old molehill here?
Maybe these guys
are ahead of the curve.
I don't know.
No. Remember a few years back,
cousin fucking was so taboo?
Do you remember that?
Come on, you know.
Every time you left
your mom's house, it was like,
"Don't fuck your cousins!
You're gonna get a retard baby."
Like I can't pull out
when I'm fucking my cousin.
Really.
You know what
these pedophiles say?
I've been in their chatrooms,
I know what they're up to.
"It's an addiction."
"We can't help ourself.
"It's a constant craving.
Kind of like smoking."
Fuck, I hope not.
I smoke a pack and a half a day.
I don't know
what that equals in boy.
Do you think it's the same
kind of addiction?
Do you think when a pedophile
gets off a long, long flight
he can't even think?
"Get out of my way, guys,
really.
Don't even talk to me
unless it's about kids."
He jumps in a cab,
"Take me to a toy store.
"Uh, a puppet show.
Something.
Drive around a Gap. Something.
Just do something for me."
Do you think
they're afraid to quit
'cause they might gain weight?
What do you think?
Whoa, you guys
tightened up on me.
Oh, I get it.
Did I cross a line?
Is that what it is?
Don't worry, guys,
we can go to silly town.
We can do that too.
Ever wrestle your dog
till you come?
Jager.
Now...
Yes.
Oh, I get it.
I get it, D.C.
Okay, fucking a child, no.
Wrestling a dog, yay.
I got it.
We got a lot
of college kids in here.
Is that what it is?
Good for you. Live it up.
College is cool.
Your parents want you
to go to school. You know why?
Because when you're away
at college,
they're at home
fucking in your beds.
You know that, right?
I mean, you know that, right?
Daddy's spanking Mom's ass
with a Hot Wheels track,
as they both do blow off of
Lindsay Lohan's poster, okay?
How about a moment
for poor Lindsay, guys?
Boo?
Where are my Freaky Friday fans?
I don't know... Ha.
I don't know if you saw
the picture of her passed out,
with her mouth open,
daring us to Photoshop
our own penises in there.
Jager.
These little girls...
That's their job
to get fucked up, okay?
They... Lindsay Lohan,
they found cocaine in her car.
Ooh.
Call me when they find
a book in her car, okay?
These girls...
I don't know if you know it.
They go commando.
Have you been on the Internet?
Yeah.
These girls get to show us
their little... You know.
Their hooch, down there.
And I think they have to realize
with great vagina
comes great responsibility.
I think Spider-Man said that.
I'm not exactly sure.
Somebody said it.
Maybe Jefferson.
I don't know who said it, but...
I mean, if they're gonna show
their little hoop-dah down there
why not
turn it into a good thing?
How about
some positive messages?
You log on to the Internet,
Is that's Lindsay's
how-do-you-do?
What does it say?
"Buckle up"? All right.
So...
I do like, uh, performing
and I've been traveling
all over the country
and stuff like that and, uh...
You know, I will say this:
I live alone
and, uh,
it gets a little lonely.
The other day I was naked,
laying on my couch,
just got out of the shower,
letting the sun dry me
like a sea manatee.
Or a man coming off a horrible,
horrible whiskey binge,
who's afraid of his towels,
'cause they look like phantoms.
I'm half-hard
from watching The View.
Have you been watching lately?
Provocative.
It was one of those
mysterious hard-ons,
where you look at your dick
and you're like, "Really?
Is there someone at the door?"
Half-hard, I roll over,
one thing leads to another,
my penis
goes between the cushions
and I realize
I'm fucking my couch.
Yes. Fucking it.
Didn't come inside of it.
Pulled out,
shot it on the coffee table.
Yup.
'Cause that coffee table's
a coke whore,
if you know what I mean.
Pull out, look at my dick.
You know what I see on the tip?
A dime and two M&M's, yeah.
I got some couch scabies.
And to answer your question,
yes, I ate the M&M's.
I did.
Yeah.
I found a gray hair
on one of my testicles today.
No, it wasn't mine
but it's frightening.
See?
Should I pluck it?
Is that what somebody said?
Tweeze it?
You can't tweeze a gray hair.
You know that'll kill a midget.
Come on.
And you can't kill a midget,
'cause that's
where our dreams are kept,
in their heads.
You guys are sick and evil.
Ever whisper sweet nothings
to your girl
to cover a fart?
Have you ever done that?
See?
That's a simple one, huh?
No one gets angry on that one.
Anal sex, what do you say?
Yeah.
Wow. A few fans.
Guys, hear it up.
Women do not like anal sex.
They love it.
They hate it.
Sure, they might try it
when they're asleep.
Anal sex is a lot like swimming,
isn't it?
It involves every muscle
in the human body.
Especially the "I can't believe
this is fucking happening"
muscle.
Anal sex is a lot like swimming.
I'm gonna do fucking
all of them, all right?
'Cause I love it.
It's just like swimming.
You should not eat
before you do it, okay?
And you've got to keep moving
or you'll die. All right?
They have a little thing
out there called anal beads.
Anal beads.
The unholy rosaries.
Where they're going,
there is no God.
Am I right?
Dominos santos.
Have you?
Yes.
When you pull him out,
you gotta say something.
It is awkward.
Yeah.
It's not like
what you think it'll be,
A big...
and everybody laughs.
Nailed it.
This is what I do.
You guys can do it too.
I try and make a little funny.
This is what I do.
Check it out, it's like,
"The winning
Powerball numbers are..."
Funny. Funny.
I did it.
The cameraman who's got my ass
is tittering
like a little girl over there.
D.C. is a great drinking town.
I've had so many
amazing drunk stories
come out of this place.
In fact...
No, really.
You guys are amazing.
Let it out.
It's not gonna kill you.
Let it out.
Actually, the two scariest words
to any drunk is,
"Remember me?"
No.
You guys like porn, am I right?
Yeah, you do.
In the balcony, not so much?
If we watched all my porn,
one after another,
we would be done
two days after never.
I got a lot.
That's a lot.
There's a new porn series out,
I want you to check it out.
Okay, listen to me.
This one's good.
It's called Monster Cocks.
Yeah.
Monster Cocks.
Ladies,
these are not the penii...
Which is more than one penis.
Of your dreams.
These are the cocks
of your nightmares.
I dare you...
No wait, I double dare you.
Not to turn a light on
after you watch Monster Cocks.
Look under the bed.
Ha, ha.
"Mommy, Daddy,
can I sleep with you tonight?"
So...
You had enough of that one?
That's cool.
What is it?
I'll tell you what it is.
Here's the cover
of Monster Cocks:
It's a woman's face,
half-covered
by a gigantic,
humongous, black penis.
Like a
Phantom of the Opera mask.
That's when you know
you got a big dick.
When someone else can use it
as a disguise.
"I don't want anyone to know
I'm in here.
"Can I borrow your penis?
Thank you.
Put your balls on my chin,
get me to the car, please."
I couldn't do that.
I don't got that kind
of equipment.
If that was me, it would look
like I'm pointing to her eye.
Is that her favorite eye?
I was in Hawaii during the,
uh, earthquake.
They had a earthquake there.
Which is freaky,
'cause you don't expect
something like that
to happen in Hawaii.
There's a volcano there, okay?
Everybody there thinks,
like, the volcano
and the lava,
is gonna fucking kill 'em.
All that kind of stuff.
But then for an earthquake to
hit with a volcano right there,
that's like having a gun
to the back of your head
at all times
and a guy just runs up
and kicks you in the balls.
You're like, "Whoa.
"I didn't...
I didn't see that coming."
Wow. You guys
really loved that one.
Did you really love it?
Wasn't it good?
Not you though?
Nothing yet? Nothing.
You get older, you realize
you gotta live your dreams.
Have you lived yours yet?
There's a lot of young
guys here. How about you?
What kind of white dreams
do you have
rolling inside of you
right now? Anything?
"The ultimate
snowboarding competition.
I wanna do some guy shit."
I lived one of my dreams
from the '80s, okay?
I'm older than you guys.
Back there in the '80s,
a little different time.
That's right.
I did blow off a stripper's ass.
Thank you.
Were you there?
Thank you.
Nothing?
First of all, it was nothing
at all like the dream,
'cause there's no smells
in dreams.
Fill in your own smells.
I go with Taco Bell and Valtrex.
Whatever you guys want,
fill in your own.
I have figured that out yet.
And in the dream,
she wasn't text messaging
her boyfriend, okay?
I live in hotels mostly. I don't
know if you guys get to...
Anybody?
Anybody else?
Okay.
I try and make every hotel
a little bit like home.
This is what I do,
you guys can do it too.
Before I leave for the last time
I take the phone in the hotel,
rub it on my balls,
hang up, check out,
call the room the next day
and just laugh.
"Are you in Room 312?
"Do you wanna hear something
that'll make you never stop
washing your face?"
Jager.
We've been talkin' about
Jagermeister all night long,
I might as well tell you
one of my Jager stories.
One time I drank a bottle
of Jagermeister... Whole bottle.
I had three slices of pizza,
a handful of magic mushrooms,
and a Mento.
It turned into
the perfect storm of shit, okay?
Yeah.
I'm serious.
Do you know the kind
where you gotta wipe
your ass and your legs?
Have you ever had one of those?
Yeah.
That's what I'm talking about.
It was like a prison rodeo,
you know?
No winners.
Plus I'm on shrooms, guys.
Yeah. I'm hallucinating.
I don't even know
if I'm sitting on a toilet.
All I know is it was very cold
and very white.
Could've been a snowbank,
could've been a Republican.
Could've been a lot of things.
Let it out.
Let it out.
It's the only
political joke I have.
Where were we?
Oh, yeah. I'm shitting.
Now,
I'm sitting there for
I don't even know how long.
Days? Centuries?
I don't know.
I'm afraid to look
in the bowl, guys,
at this Franken-dump,
this hybrid turd.
I'm afraid I'm gonna look down
and see something so brown
and so odd,
even Angelina Jolie
will not adopt this thing.
I looked down,
you know what I see?
Nothing.
There's nothing in the bowl.
What happened to my poopers?
Did David Blaine
crawl into my asshole,
and ta-dump it away?
Well, something happened
'cause it stunk in there.
Guess where it was.
Under the rim.
Yeah.
That's right.
I Tony Hawk'd it.
Yeah.
Wait a minute,
I'm getting something
on my finger right now.
Oh, my God.
I did it.
I told
the world's longest shit joke.
We did it.
We did it. Thank you.
Thank you.
Thank you, guys.
The world's longest shit joke.
I can't believe it.
Thank you.
Thank you.
Thank you very much.
Thank you.
Live your dreams, kids.
Especially if it's
telling shit jokes.
Good night, God bless.
Thank you.
Thank you.
Thank you very much.
Thank you.
I'd like to thank
the people who stood up.
What the fuck's
going on over here?
Since we are
talking about drinking,
I'd like to end with
a little thing I like to call,
"Tell me what you're drinking
and I'll tell you how
you're night's gonna end."
Okay?
Let's start it out.
You can yell it out.
Go right ahead.
- Whiskey.
- Vodka.
You're gonna go home
and laugh till someone farts
and laugh even louder.
You're fine.
Bourbon.
Bourbon.
One a time. Bourbon.
You're going to videotape
the first fucking guy.
You're all right.
Whiskey.
Whiskey.
What aren't you going to do?
Pick a hole, any hole.
How about some ladies?
What's that?
A margarita?
You're gonna go home with me.
All right?
Thank you very much.
You guys have been a lot of fun.
See you later.
Thank you, D.C. Thank you.
Thank you. Thank you.
Thank you.
Thank you.
Whoo!
Oh. D.C., thank you,
Washington, D.C.
on the weekend.
Let's turn the law machine off
and party.
Yeah.
Let's keep partying,
'cause the show's not over
till someone throws up
on my dick, all right?
Don't drink and drive, kids.
Mixed messages, I know.
Do not drink and drive.
I've been there,
I know how it is.
I've been there. Look at me,
I've been there, okay?
I know it.
It gets late, you're drunk,
you're thinking, "What's
the worst that can happen?
"I'll hit another drunk driver,
and then we'll just high-five
and laugh."
If you drink wine and you think
you have a drinking problem,
you don't.
You're gay, okay?
You cannot go to rehab
with a wine problem.
No one wants to hear
your stories
about going to the Pottery Barn
or sailing, antiquing.
You're a fag, okay?
Even the guy who drinks Zima,
you're his bitch.
You can't even blame drunk talk
on wine.
"Where the whores at?
"Sorry, that's not me.
"That's the Beaujolais.
Look at this year.
It's a saucy year."
I used to drink a lot
of Jagermeister, mm-hm.
Yeah, I know.
You guys did too.
Jagermeister is for children.
It is. It's too sweet.
I'm serious.
I give it out on Halloween,
that's what I do.
"Here's a shot, go home, find
your dad's gun, be somebody.
All right?"
Jager is fun yet disappointing.
It's kind of like running
downstairs on Christmas morning
and realizing you're Jewish.
It kinda sucks.
"Where is everybody?
Oh, I remember."
Now...
Heh-heh-heh.
There's no commercials
for Jagermeister.
I've never seen one. Have you?
No, I haven't. Right?
There should be some, right?
So you know
what you're getting into.
But there aren't any.
But I thought of some.
Do you guys wanna hear it?
Do you?
Do you or don't you? You do?
Okay.
Commercials for Jagermeister.
A guy comes out of a hedge.
He's covered in mud and blood.
He's holding one high heel shoe.
"Did I just eat a stripper?"
"Jager."
There you go.
To the point. Direct.
How about another one?
Can you do another one?
I think you could.
A little girl is sitting
on the swing,
not swinging.
A tear rolls down her cheek.
"Where's Daddy?"
"Jager." There you go.
How about a third one?
Can you do another one,
you think?
You guys are great. Okay.
A guy, let's call him me,
is fucking the left eye
of a pumpkin, okay?
"If that pumpkin didn't want it,
why was it smiling at me?"
"Jager."
Yes. Yes.
Yeah. Yeah.
I'm trying to teach.
I'm teaching.
I was in the Middle East
doing shows for the troops,
and let me tell...
Thank you. Well, thank you.
I'm not exactly sure
if they enjoyed it,
since I kind of look like
every other guy
who's trying to kill them
over there.
I'm walking around trying to act
very American, you know?
"Where's the pork at?
Who's got some pussy?
What's up?"
The Middle East is a very, very
religious place.
No one has sex,
but they smell
like they just did, okay?
It's not their fault.
It's hot.
I met a local guy over there,
something...
I don't know his name, something
with a lot of Q's, U's and Z's.
I called him Quiznos.
I said, "Queazy,
what's the big hullabaloo...?"
Which is a dessert over there.
"What's the big problem?
Why can't we get along?"
He's like, "My friend, you must
understand we look at the world
differently than you do
in the West."
I'm like,
"You're exactly right, Q.
We look at the world through
a two-eyebrow system, okay?"
What is up with the monobrow?
Can I get a tweezer
for Teen Wolf over here?
Help him out.
Here's my idea for peace:
water parks.
It's a hot place, man.
I don't know about you,
but on a hot day, a water park
takes all the mean out of me.
I'm a functional drunk.
You put me on a flume,
I turn from a total alcoholic
into a giggly little fat man
with my big fat boy tits
all wet and pert.
Get these people on a flume!
Get 'em wet, get 'em laughing.
Then we shoot 'em. Now, easy.
Calm down. Calm down.
You go to the Middle East,
what's the first thing you wanna
see?
Something you've heard
a lot about.
A woman beaten for driving
a car, right?
Then you get something to eat.
Now what do you wanna do?
Camel ride.
Yeah.
A camel.
You wanna get on him,
ride him around.
Put a cigarette in his mouth
and laugh at him.
It's a tourist attraction.
Just like when you go
to southeast D.C.,
what do you wanna see?
Pregnant crack whore. Yeah.
You wanna see it, ride it,
put a cigarette in her mouth
and laugh at her.
"Boo! Problems! Boo!
You insensitive prick. Boo!"
I was just down in Florida,
half-business, half-pleasure.
I was putting my mom in
a nursing home, and I'll tell...
Relax.
She thinks she's voting. Now...
Florida looks like
a gigantic penis, doesn't it?
Have you ever Googled it?
It looks like a gigantic peener
about to shoot a load
of freedom all over Cuba.
A bukkake of choices and ideas.
"Jager." Now...
I went down to Florida... I went
down to Florida, okay?
'Cause it looks like
a gigantic penis.
I wasn't on the, uh, you know,
Miami, Fort Lauderdale...
I was on the other side.
The taint of Florida.
It definitely smelled like
balls, that's all I'm gonna say.
All right, anyway, you know,
it's like one of those places,
redneck kind of place, where you
go into a strip club,
and there's, like,
300 pounds of sad
hanging upside down on a pole,
and... You know?
You kinda wanna laugh, but her
kids are there cheering her on,
you know what I'm saying?
No, I went down there.
I wanted to see the shuttle go
up, you know, our space program.
I wanted to see that.
No one was there.
I was the only guy there.
Everybody was at NASCAR.
Who's your favorite astronaut?
If you could only fuck one
astronaut, who would it be?
Mission Specialist
Blah-Ba-Da-Da, I don't know.
But NASCAR, now that's
something different.
'Cause going into outer space,
that's for nerds.
But driving quickly
in a circle...
Who isn't wet?
You know why?
'Cause we're Americans.
And we only like competition,
okay? Yeah.
Now, if one shuttle
raced another shuttle
into outer space,
and they had stickers and shit
on 'em,
and the countdown was done
by celebrities,
like DUI celebrities, you know,
like a Mel Gibson.
"Ten, nine, Jews." All right?
"The Jews control space."
Were you guys upset
when Steve Irwin died?
Were you? Yeah.
You should... Three of you were?
One guy wasn't.
'Cause you know what?
He didn't die, he was murdered.
Okay? Yes.
The crocodiles put a hit out
on him
using the stingray or, as I call
it, the Puerto Rican of the sea.
Yeah. Hear me? Hear me.
With its switchblade-like tail
and deliciously big brown eyes.
Where were the dolphins
that day?
Our friends in the oceans.
The dolphins.
Laughing, smiling.
Teaching retards how to swim.
Here's my one retarded story.
I might as well
tell you right now.
It's true, so there you go.
I was smoking in a bar. Just
smoking. This was years ago.
I don't even know how long ago,
but it was when you could smoke
in a bar, all right?
So back then, I was smoking.
Not breaking the law. Smoking.
Kid comes up to me,
he's retarded, all right?
I think he's retarded.
I know he is.
He's wearing medals for sports
that don't exist,
he's wearing a ski boot
and a flipper, okay?
This guy's either retarded
or he's ready for everything.
"Jager." Now...
I'm smoking
with my unretarded mind.
The kind that can download porn
as you talk to your mother
on the phone, yes.
Semi-genius.
I'm smoking, this is what he
does to me:
"Heeh! Heeh! Heeh!"
I'm like, "Are you shooting webs
of stupid at me?"
Watch out.
Webs of stupid, watch out.
He got me.
Can't ride a bike. Now...
Get this, it gets worse.
His wife...
I don't have a wife. He does.
His wife goes,
"Can you put out that cigarette?
"He doesn't like
secondhand smoke.
It's a killer."
I'm like, "Really?
"He's retarded.
That can't be his biggest fear."
No, I know it sounds mean,
but really.
That's gotta be pretty low
on the fears of the retard-os.
Number one: fork,
electrical outlet, okay?
That kills thousands.
That's their Omaha Beach.
Then you got buttons
that look like candy, all right?
Who hasn't been fooled?
Secondhand smoke. Everybody's
health conscious but me.
Even the handicapped people,
God bless 'em,
they're out there doing things.
A blind man climbed to the top
of Mount Everest,
or so he thinks, all right?
That's a lot of trust, guys.
I mean, really.
If that was my buddies, they
would have taken me everywhere
but the top of Mount Everest.
I would have been shivering
on the roof of a gay bar,
sucking on what I hope
is an icicle.
"What a salty icicle," I'd say.
"What do you think,
seeing eye dog?"
"Uh-oh. That's his 'There's
a cock in my mouth' growl."
Thank you.
Truly.
That was great, wasn't it? Yes.
Do you guys call it "blow jobs"
or "Let's make some throat
babies?" What do you guys say?
Where are my Christians? Where
are my Christians out here?
Let's talk about real issues.
I wanna be that kind of comic.
I'm not really political.
I wanna talk about
real fucking things,
like, I don't know, pro-choice.
All right?
Ladies? Nothing?
Some of you?
You know, they might take
your right away, girls,
but they will never, ever
take your right to get drunk
and throw yourself down
a flight of stairs, all right?
'Cause you can't arrest gravity,
fuck-o!
Yeah.
That's right.
Thank the I-man for that.
Not I, miss.
Isaac Newton, that's right.
That fucker has given us
so much joy.
Whether it's America's Funniest
Home Videos...
Babies falling down.
Or really cheap abortions.
Thank you. That one was
deliciously evil, wasn't it?
It was funny yet sad,
kinda like being tit-fucked
by a clown, you know?
"Jager." Now...
It's been over a year, guys.
I declare the tsunami's
now funny. Now...
This is not for everybody.
This is not a joke for everyone.
I know what you're thinking:
"Dave, you're gonna lose your
entire Indonesian fan base."
The tsunami, or as I call it,
God's money shot, is...
Global warming. That's what
I'm trying to get at.
Global warming, guys.
I don't know about you guys,
maybe it's true, maybe it's not,
maybe I work for an oil company.
The ice caps are melting,
people.
People always say it that way.
"The ice caps are melting."
Maybe there's some really cool
shit under those ice caps.
I mean, like treasure.
Or even better than treasure:
a talking dinosaur
who we can all
have adventures with.
Me first.
I thought it up.
What if he's really wise too,
and he can help us
with our problems?
"Hey, dinosaur buddy,
since you are fuel,
"maybe you would know
what the next untapped resource
"in this country is
that we can burn.
"What did you say? Mexicans?
That's fucking racist.
"You're a fucking racist.
"No one likes
a prehistoric racist.
Can I get a drink
for Hitler-saurus over here?"
Ahem. Ready? Good.
Potheads, where are you?
Yeah.
You should have...
Talking dinosaur,
how fucking cool was that, huh?
Don't do drugs, guys. Don't.
I mean, do them.
Who am I to tell you fuckers
what to do?
I don't care. Live it up.
I don't smoke pot, though.
It's not my drug, okay?
I know you're hissing me,
one guy's hissing me.
That's 'cause he doesn't really
see me.
There's an imaginary comic
behind him
that I'm interrupting.
I used to smoke pot. I don't.
Don't. Uh-uh.
I'd like to talk about
the last time I did smoke pot.
I was smoking some herb,
some chronic.
Trees, whatever it is.
I don't know.
I was smoking something,
and all of a sudden
I couldn't think.
My heart was pounding,
my left arm was numb.
And I'm thinking I'm either
dying or bowling. Now...
I think pot
should be legal though.
You guys?
Don't worry, I have
enough energy for all of us.
Pot should be legal.
It should be.
It's on the top
of Mount Should Be.
Right under
"I should have a bigger dick,"
pot should be legal.
But it won't.
'Cause you fucking potheads
aren't making it happen.
You're not out there every night
like us fucking alcoholics are
affecting society.
Things have been invented
because of alcohol.
Like the Taser, okay?
Yeah.
The morning-after pill, okay?
The reacharound.
Judge Judy.
What has pot given the world?
Hacky Sack? Yeah.
Hilarious ringtones? Oh, God.
Ultimate Frisbee championships?
It sucks to be a champion at a
sport that can't get you laid.
It's an unneeded skill, kind of
like being, I don't know,
the best banjo player
or a squirter. Now...
Did you guys just wake up?
I knew that would wake you up.
I will give you potheads
one thing.
You know your way
around a microwave oven.
Amazing.
Yell any food out,
you guys will know the time.
It's like, "Baked potato."
"Three minutes."
Au gratin, pull it out,
laugh at it,
put it in
for another 30 seconds.
Don't even need cheese.
I'm a fat man,
I'll give you that.
I am fat, but at least
I act my own weight, okay?
I hate it when I see a fat man
not acting fat.
You've seen them out there. It's
a hot day. You've seen them.
Rollerblading.
Wearing shorts.
Talking to a live woman.
I even dream fat. I do.
I woke up the other night,
I'm like,
"When are we gonna get
some new soups?"
Honestly.
When's the last time you were
blown away by a new soup?
I can't think of it.
Nothing.
It doesn't even have to be good,
just something different.
Break up the monotony.
Just once I wanna go into
a restaurant and they're like,
"The soups of the day,
we got lentil,
"mushroom barley
and whale come."
"Did you say 'whale come'?"
"I know, it sounds
more like a chowder." But, uh...
Wouldn't you try it?
Wouldn't you give it a nibble?
Just to have that in your
references of tastes?
You go out with your friends.
"Oh, that meal sucked."
"Well, it was no whale come
soup, I'll tell you that."
Was that a joke about whale come
or the environment?
I don't know.
We get new juices all the time,
don't we? Yeah.
Everyone has a favorite juice.
Here's one of mine:
pineapple juice.
Love it. Pineapple juice.
Oh. It's so sweet.
It's too sweet.
It's not even juice
or the laughter of children.
As opposed to tomato juice.
What evil fucking mind
thought that up?
Is the Taliban behind that shit?
It's so tart and bitter
and unforgiving.
That's not juice.
That's the tears of Indians,
yes.
Thank you.
You know, I was dating
a Native American girl,
and she hated that joke.
She told me to stop doing it,
but I kept doing it,
and she got really pissed.
And I'm like, "You know,
"you of all people should know
promises mean nothing, okay?"
Anyhoo... And that was her name.
Anyhoo Walking Stick
Shiny Knife.
A lovely girl, but a temper.
Yes.
A temper. She slapped me.
She slapped me.
I'm a gentleman.
I don't hit women, okay?
Yeah, I don't.
Even during the Super Bowl.
I do not touch chicks.
I just coughed on her and she
died several days later, yeah.
A little white man karate,
bitch.
A little trick
Columbus taught me.
Don't boo me, boo history,
all right? I mean, really.
I know what women like. You know
what they like? Flowers. Yeah.
Flowers. Right here. Yes?
Exactly.
I'm not Dr. Phil, guys.
I'm not a doctor.
But I think women like flowers
a million times more
than a kick in the cunt.
Am I right?
I am not a doctor.
I'm going with what I know.
Okay, let me figure it out.
Here's flowers way up here,
okay?
Here's a kick in the cooch
down here.
Or here if you're Filipino,
okay?
They're teeny.
Somewhere in between
is Applebee's, okay?
It's not that great,
could be worse.
I'm sorry
for using the c-word, guys.
Honestly, I apologize.
I did that joke one time
and there was a 6-year-old boy
sitting in the crowd.
And I felt horrible,
'cause the first time
a young boy should hear that
is from his dad's drunken lips
as he's being handcuffed
and put in a squad car.
"Tell that cunt I'll be back.
It's my trailer too!"
I like these girls, man.
You guys are hot.
I don't know if you're into
the tattoos and piercings,
anything like that?
Straight up?
Okay, that's cool.
I like the piercing thing,
you know.
Girls, I think that's cool
if you want to decorate
and all that.
That's your business.
Just let a guy in on it, okay?
Sometimes you go down there
and it's like,
"What is...? What?"
I'd better proceed with caution.
A pierced hooch
is like finding a washer
in the most delicious
corned beef sandwich, okay?
I am... Heh.
I am... Ha, ha.
Really?
I am not the best analogy guy.
Ladies, there's a lot
of beauties out here tonight.
I see you, yeah.
It's summer.
It's summer
and that means shaving.
It usually means
some shaving down there.
The Brazilian wax.
I've heard of it.
Yeah?
Some fans of it.
I've heard of it.
Personally, I've never seen it.
It's kind of a legend,
like the Loch Ness monster
or something like that.
I usually show up weeks later
when whoever that was for,
it did not work out, okay?
Now it's serious
down there, okay?
It's starting to grow back,
it's got this, kind of,
3:00 shadow look to it,
like, your snatch
has been up all night
trying to solve a murder.
It looks... Really.
It is definitely not
a fun-gina, that's for sure.
I give you credits, girls.
That's a very complicated thing,
down there.
Not like the penis,
which is idiot-proof.
I mean, come on,
have you ever come across a cock
and you're like, "I'm stymied.
I give up."
Each one's the same.
It's like a rider mower.
You just sit on it
making small circles
till it runs out of gas.
Each one's the same.
It's the same thing.
Suck, suck, lick, pretend to gag
so he thinks he's huge...
Watch your eyes, you're done.
There is
that one guy out there, right?
That one kinky fucking freak,
you know?
That guy's like,
"You wanna make me come?
"Well, nibble my ball-sack
like it's a bag of trail mix.
Nibble it up."
Num, num, num.
Num, num, num.
"Now lift the whole package
and tongue my anus.
"Tongue it.
"Like you're waiting
for an acceptance letter
"from Brown University.
Get in there.
Do it."
Do you guys know
what bukkake means?
You do?
How come everybody knows that?
I don't know, guys.
If your lady
will let you do that...
Which means shooting your love
on her face neck or back.
She's cool.
If she lays there
and lets it dry, marry her.
All right?
Doesn't it suck when you come up
with something so true,
yet it's too long to fit
on a T-shirt?
Some...
Some guys are really into it,
you know?
I don't know, I get really,
kind of like...
I feel bad about it.
I turn into, like,
a English schoolboy.
I'm so defensive.
I'm like,
"Oopsy-diddly.
"Pardon me, madams,
did I get me rah-rah juice
on your peepers?"
Are there any English
people here? Back me up.
Was that a great impression,
or what?
Didn't you feel like you
were in London town right now?
Vicious handjobs.
What is up with that, girls?
Yeah, you know what I'm saying.
Some of you girls
are pulling way too hard.
Some of you are pulling
like you're trying
to pull a better-looking guy
out of me.
What is that?
I didn't swallow
Patrick Dempsey, okay?
I'm the same bald, fat guy
who met you on MySpace,
deal with it.
And you don't even
have the class
to spit on your hand first.
A dry, hobo jerk down.
What are your stepfathers
teaching you?
Wow.
What a great joke.
The only thing missing
from that joke
was Oprah silently nodding.
I'm into lube.
How about you guys?
Lube? Girls? Lube?
You got your own favorite?
Good for you, buddy.
Some guys like K-Y, Astroglide.
Personally, I'm a gravy man.
Yeah.
Brown gravy.
This next part,
you're gonna moan at.
But I think you guys are cool
so I think you're gonna like it.
How do you, uh...?
How do you handle it
with your special lady?
Do you put it on
or what do you do?
There you go.
All right.
On your dick to her?
There you go.
All right.
I like to spoon-feed it in.
Like it's a naughty little baby.
Open up the beef lips!
Here comes
the George Clooney juice.
What?
What, you don't like improv?
I love children, guys.
I do.
I'm serious.
I'm on the Internet,
talking to them all day.
All right?
Pedophilia.
You know what I'm talking about.
This is a smart town.
Pedophilia.
You've heard about it.
First of all,
I wanna say one thing:
I would never,
ever touch a child.
Even if the kid was on fire,
and the only thing wet around
was my ass, mouth
and lips. Okay?
He's gonna burn,
but he's gonna
go to heaven untouched,
so he can play football
with Jesus.
Pedophilia. Come on,
let's think of it the other way.
I mean, really,
are we making a mountain
out of a delicious
7 to 9-year-old molehill here?
Maybe these guys
are ahead of the curve.
I don't know.
No. Remember a few years back,
cousin fucking was so taboo?
Do you remember that?
Come on, you know.
Every time you left
your mom's house, it was like,
"Don't fuck your cousins!
You're gonna get a retard baby."
Like I can't pull out
when I'm fucking my cousin.
Really.
You know what
these pedophiles say?
I've been in their chatrooms,
I know what they're up to.
"It's an addiction."
"We can't help ourself.
"It's a constant craving.
Kind of like smoking."
Fuck, I hope not.
I smoke a pack and a half a day.
I don't know
what that equals in boy.
Do you think it's the same
kind of addiction?
Do you think when a pedophile
gets off a long, long flight
he can't even think?
"Get out of my way, guys,
really.
Don't even talk to me
unless it's about kids."
He jumps in a cab,
"Take me to a toy store.
"Uh, a puppet show.
Something.
Drive around a Gap. Something.
Just do something for me."
Do you think
they're afraid to quit
'cause they might gain weight?
What do you think?
Whoa, you guys
tightened up on me.
Oh, I get it.
Did I cross a line?
Is that what it is?
Don't worry, guys,
we can go to silly town.
We can do that too.
Ever wrestle your dog
till you come?
Jager.
Now...
Yes.
Oh, I get it.
I get it, D.C.
Okay, fucking a child, no.
Wrestling a dog, yay.
I got it.
We got a lot
of college kids in here.
Is that what it is?
Good for you. Live it up.
College is cool.
Your parents want you
to go to school. You know why?
Because when you're away
at college,
they're at home
fucking in your beds.
You know that, right?
I mean, you know that, right?
Daddy's spanking Mom's ass
with a Hot Wheels track,
as they both do blow off of
Lindsay Lohan's poster, okay?
How about a moment
for poor Lindsay, guys?
Boo?
Where are my Freaky Friday fans?
I don't know... Ha.
I don't know if you saw
the picture of her passed out,
with her mouth open,
daring us to Photoshop
our own penises in there.
Jager.
These little girls...
That's their job
to get fucked up, okay?
They... Lindsay Lohan,
they found cocaine in her car.
Ooh.
Call me when they find
a book in her car, okay?
These girls...
I don't know if you know it.
They go commando.
Have you been on the Internet?
Yeah.
These girls get to show us
their little... You know.
Their hooch, down there.
And I think they have to realize
with great vagina
comes great responsibility.
I think Spider-Man said that.
I'm not exactly sure.
Somebody said it.
Maybe Jefferson.
I don't know who said it, but...
I mean, if they're gonna show
their little hoop-dah down there
why not
turn it into a good thing?
How about
some positive messages?
You log on to the Internet,
Is that's Lindsay's
how-do-you-do?
What does it say?
"Buckle up"? All right.
So...
I do like, uh, performing
and I've been traveling
all over the country
and stuff like that and, uh...
You know, I will say this:
I live alone
and, uh,
it gets a little lonely.
The other day I was naked,
laying on my couch,
just got out of the shower,
letting the sun dry me
like a sea manatee.
Or a man coming off a horrible,
horrible whiskey binge,
who's afraid of his towels,
'cause they look like phantoms.
I'm half-hard
from watching The View.
Have you been watching lately?
Provocative.
It was one of those
mysterious hard-ons,
where you look at your dick
and you're like, "Really?
Is there someone at the door?"
Half-hard, I roll over,
one thing leads to another,
my penis
goes between the cushions
and I realize
I'm fucking my couch.
Yes. Fucking it.
Didn't come inside of it.
Pulled out,
shot it on the coffee table.
Yup.
'Cause that coffee table's
a coke whore,
if you know what I mean.
Pull out, look at my dick.
You know what I see on the tip?
A dime and two M&M's, yeah.
I got some couch scabies.
And to answer your question,
yes, I ate the M&M's.
I did.
Yeah.
I found a gray hair
on one of my testicles today.
No, it wasn't mine
but it's frightening.
See?
Should I pluck it?
Is that what somebody said?
Tweeze it?
You can't tweeze a gray hair.
You know that'll kill a midget.
Come on.
And you can't kill a midget,
'cause that's
where our dreams are kept,
in their heads.
You guys are sick and evil.
Ever whisper sweet nothings
to your girl
to cover a fart?
Have you ever done that?
See?
That's a simple one, huh?
No one gets angry on that one.
Anal sex, what do you say?
Yeah.
Wow. A few fans.
Guys, hear it up.
Women do not like anal sex.
They love it.
They hate it.
Sure, they might try it
when they're asleep.
Anal sex is a lot like swimming,
isn't it?
It involves every muscle
in the human body.
Especially the "I can't believe
this is fucking happening"
muscle.
Anal sex is a lot like swimming.
I'm gonna do fucking
all of them, all right?
'Cause I love it.
It's just like swimming.
You should not eat
before you do it, okay?
And you've got to keep moving
or you'll die. All right?
They have a little thing
out there called anal beads.
Anal beads.
The unholy rosaries.
Where they're going,
there is no God.
Am I right?
Dominos santos.
Have you?
Yes.
When you pull him out,
you gotta say something.
It is awkward.
Yeah.
It's not like
what you think it'll be,
A big...
and everybody laughs.
Nailed it.
This is what I do.
You guys can do it too.
I try and make a little funny.
This is what I do.
Check it out, it's like,
"The winning
Powerball numbers are..."
Funny. Funny.
I did it.
The cameraman who's got my ass
is tittering
like a little girl over there.
D.C. is a great drinking town.
I've had so many
amazing drunk stories
come out of this place.
In fact...
No, really.
You guys are amazing.
Let it out.
It's not gonna kill you.
Let it out.
Actually, the two scariest words
to any drunk is,
"Remember me?"
No.
You guys like porn, am I right?
Yeah, you do.
In the balcony, not so much?
If we watched all my porn,
one after another,
we would be done
two days after never.
I got a lot.
That's a lot.
There's a new porn series out,
I want you to check it out.
Okay, listen to me.
This one's good.
It's called Monster Cocks.
Yeah.
Monster Cocks.
Ladies,
these are not the penii...
Which is more than one penis.
Of your dreams.
These are the cocks
of your nightmares.
I dare you...
No wait, I double dare you.
Not to turn a light on
after you watch Monster Cocks.
Look under the bed.
Ha, ha.
"Mommy, Daddy,
can I sleep with you tonight?"
So...
You had enough of that one?
That's cool.
What is it?
I'll tell you what it is.
Here's the cover
of Monster Cocks:
It's a woman's face,
half-covered
by a gigantic,
humongous, black penis.
Like a
Phantom of the Opera mask.
That's when you know
you got a big dick.
When someone else can use it
as a disguise.
"I don't want anyone to know
I'm in here.
"Can I borrow your penis?
Thank you.
Put your balls on my chin,
get me to the car, please."
I couldn't do that.
I don't got that kind
of equipment.
If that was me, it would look
like I'm pointing to her eye.
Is that her favorite eye?
I was in Hawaii during the,
uh, earthquake.
They had a earthquake there.
Which is freaky,
'cause you don't expect
something like that
to happen in Hawaii.
There's a volcano there, okay?
Everybody there thinks,
like, the volcano
and the lava,
is gonna fucking kill 'em.
All that kind of stuff.
But then for an earthquake to
hit with a volcano right there,
that's like having a gun
to the back of your head
at all times
and a guy just runs up
and kicks you in the balls.
You're like, "Whoa.
"I didn't...
I didn't see that coming."
Wow. You guys
really loved that one.
Did you really love it?
Wasn't it good?
Not you though?
Nothing yet? Nothing.
You get older, you realize
you gotta live your dreams.
Have you lived yours yet?
There's a lot of young
guys here. How about you?
What kind of white dreams
do you have
rolling inside of you
right now? Anything?
"The ultimate
snowboarding competition.
I wanna do some guy shit."
I lived one of my dreams
from the '80s, okay?
I'm older than you guys.
Back there in the '80s,
a little different time.
That's right.
I did blow off a stripper's ass.
Thank you.
Were you there?
Thank you.
Nothing?
First of all, it was nothing
at all like the dream,
'cause there's no smells
in dreams.
Fill in your own smells.
I go with Taco Bell and Valtrex.
Whatever you guys want,
fill in your own.
I have figured that out yet.
And in the dream,
she wasn't text messaging
her boyfriend, okay?
I live in hotels mostly. I don't
know if you guys get to...
Anybody?
Anybody else?
Okay.
I try and make every hotel
a little bit like home.
This is what I do,
you guys can do it too.
Before I leave for the last time
I take the phone in the hotel,
rub it on my balls,
hang up, check out,
call the room the next day
and just laugh.
"Are you in Room 312?
"Do you wanna hear something
that'll make you never stop
washing your face?"
Jager.
We've been talkin' about
Jagermeister all night long,
I might as well tell you
one of my Jager stories.
One time I drank a bottle
of Jagermeister... Whole bottle.
I had three slices of pizza,
a handful of magic mushrooms,
and a Mento.
It turned into
the perfect storm of shit, okay?
Yeah.
I'm serious.
Do you know the kind
where you gotta wipe
your ass and your legs?
Have you ever had one of those?
Yeah.
That's what I'm talking about.
It was like a prison rodeo,
you know?
No winners.
Plus I'm on shrooms, guys.
Yeah. I'm hallucinating.
I don't even know
if I'm sitting on a toilet.
All I know is it was very cold
and very white.
Could've been a snowbank,
could've been a Republican.
Could've been a lot of things.
Let it out.
Let it out.
It's the only
political joke I have.
Where were we?
Oh, yeah. I'm shitting.
Now,
I'm sitting there for
I don't even know how long.
Days? Centuries?
I don't know.
I'm afraid to look
in the bowl, guys,
at this Franken-dump,
this hybrid turd.
I'm afraid I'm gonna look down
and see something so brown
and so odd,
even Angelina Jolie
will not adopt this thing.
I looked down,
you know what I see?
Nothing.
There's nothing in the bowl.
What happened to my poopers?
Did David Blaine
crawl into my asshole,
and ta-dump it away?
Well, something happened
'cause it stunk in there.
Guess where it was.
Under the rim.
Yeah.
That's right.
I Tony Hawk'd it.
Yeah.
Wait a minute,
I'm getting something
on my finger right now.
Oh, my God.
I did it.
I told
the world's longest shit joke.
We did it.
We did it. Thank you.
Thank you.
Thank you, guys.
The world's longest shit joke.
I can't believe it.
Thank you.
Thank you.
Thank you very much.
Thank you.
Live your dreams, kids.
Especially if it's
telling shit jokes.
Good night, God bless.
Thank you.
Thank you.
Thank you very much.
Thank you.
I'd like to thank
the people who stood up.
What the fuck's
going on over here?
Since we are
talking about drinking,
I'd like to end with
a little thing I like to call,
"Tell me what you're drinking
and I'll tell you how
you're night's gonna end."
Okay?
Let's start it out.
You can yell it out.
Go right ahead.
- Whiskey.
- Vodka.
You're gonna go home
and laugh till someone farts
and laugh even louder.
You're fine.
Bourbon.
Bourbon.
One a time. Bourbon.
You're going to videotape
the first fucking guy.
You're all right.
Whiskey.
Whiskey.
What aren't you going to do?
Pick a hole, any hole.
How about some ladies?
What's that?
A margarita?
You're gonna go home with me.
All right?
Thank you very much.
You guys have been a lot of fun.
See you later.