Dave Hughes: Ridiculous (2023) Movie Script

Please welcome
one of the greatest comedians
in this country,
Dave Hughes!
Thank you!
I am super pumped up.
How are we feeling tonight, everyone?
It is great to have you here.
We are back, baby!
Are we back?
- Yeah!
- Yes. COVID no longer.
Even on the news
the other night,
they said there's new variants
you need to look out for. No!
No! It's like Nokia
bringing out new phones.
It's fucking over!
We've moved on. You lost!
No, it is great to be here though,
and I know we
still take it seriously.
There's a, yes,
there's a, yeah,
a lot of people are here who
don't have masks on,
so you don't give a fuck, obviously.
Fair enough. Yeah, woooo!
- Woo!
- Woo!
Some people with masks on,
I appreciate that. Good on you.
Yes, good on them as well, absolutely.
But if you wear a mask,
you don't have to wear it
all the time, I don't reckon.
You can relax occasionally.
Saw a guy in his car
the other day on his own.
Come on, mate.
You're on your own. Unmask!
You're gonna get COVID
off the fuckin' radio, are ya?
I know, it's tough.
I mean, we all had to
wear masks for a long time.
And it was stressful,
wasn't it,
when they'd slip
under your nostrils...
And someone would look at you
like you had
your testicles out.
But if you are wearing a mask,
just... just... just... just
be consistent
with your personal safety.
I saw a guy on Beach Road
on an electric scooter.
I reckon he was doing 90k
an hour, looking at his phone,
no helmet on,
but he was wearing a mask.
"When that truck hits you,
"you're not getting COVID,
are ya, mate?"
But no, we still care.
We don't care as much
as we used to.
Do you know how many, ah,
cases there were today?
No, you don't give a fuck,
do ya?
It's probably thousands.
No-one gives a shit.
Remember back when it was
every day, every day?
"What time's
the press conference on?"
"What time's Dan speaking?"
"It's not till 11am.
Fuck, what does that mean?"
"Is everyone dead?"
And then, when the press
conferences were on,
we would gather around the TV.
"What's the number?"
Like we were waiting
for the final number
to win Powerball.
"It's a two! It's a two!
"Two people have got the 'rona.
"Where are they?
What suburb?
"Fuckin' bomb that suburb!
"Build a wall.
They're all dead!"
"We've gotta live!
"Life is for the living!"
It's unbelievable.
And then I remember when...
And then Dan...
One day Dan Andrews said,
"And two people have died,"
and we go, "Ohhh."
Then he said, "They were
both in their hundreds."
No, it's a tragedy!
Two 107-year-olds are dead!
The 'rona's taken the best
years of their life!
They could've been staring
at a wall 'til next Tuesday!
And now they're dead!
And no-one can
go to their funeral.
Oh, no!
Luckily, their friends died
30 fuckin' years ago.
What about their children?
Even they died of old age!
No, no, it was full on.
It was full on.
It was a crazy coupla years
we lived through, people.
It was crazy.
What about you now?
If it had been a little
while ago, you'd be going,
"What's the time?
We've gotta get home!
"What about the curfew?"
We forget real quick.
We couldn't leave the house
after nine o'clock at night.
That was it,
you had to be home.
I remember one night,
my wife said to me,
"You put the bins out?"
I said, "No, I haven't."
She said,
"It's quarter-past nine."
I was like,
"I fuckin' can't do it now!"
"I can't go out there now!"
"If I go out there now,
I'm gonna get pepper sprayed.
"I'll just throw 'em
over the fence."
And there was...
There was one... There was one
night where the kids said...
Well, I didn't have sandwiches
ready for the next morning
and I said,
"Well, it's after nine.
"I can't get a loaf of bread."
The kids are going, "What about
our sandwiches, Dad?"
"There's nothing I can do!"
From our front yard you can see
the light of the 7-Eleven.
They said, "Dad, it's open!
You can go."
I said, "I can't. It's a trap,
I tell ya!"
"If I scurry in there, bloody
Dan Andrews'll be in there...
"..sucking on a Slurpee going,
'I'm fuckin' waiting for you.'"
"I was waiting for you."
Gosh, is Dan Andrews here?
If you are here, Dan, come up
and slap me, I don't mind.
Remember when Chris Rock
got slapped by Will Smith
at the...?
Chris Rock sold out
his world tour the next day.
Dan can come up and kick me
in the dick, if he wants to.
I've already had a vasectomy.
That's useless to me!
- Woo!
- Thank you. Woo! Woo!
No, I am pumped up.
I am pumped up.
And you are a great crowd
but I've...
It's... Has everyone
already had,
has everyone had COVID here?
Anyone here
who hasn't had COVID?
Well, tonight's the night!
It could be tonight!
- Bring it on!
- "Bring it on," he says!
But if it is tonight,
on behalf of everyone else
in the room,
if you find out you've got
COVID tomorrow,
everyone else in this room
needs you to shut the fuck up!
No-one gives a shit anymore!
I remember when I got COVID...
I mean, I got it.
It took me
a long time to get it,
but I had gigs I had to cancel.
So I put the bloody...
I put my RAT on Instagram,
thinking I might get
SOME sympathy.
First comment,
"Get a haircut, fuckhead."
Well, I can't for a week, mate!
So, I was the last
in my family to get it.
Everyone else got it before me
and, ah, that was the time
if someone got it,
everyone else
had to stay home.
And, ah, I remember one day
my 11-year-old daughter was -
she was coughing, coughing, coughing.
I had a week of gigs booked,
I'm going, "Oh, I'm praying,
"oh, I hope
she's taken up smoking."
I wanted to see a packet
of cigarettes in her lunchbox
but no, I didn't, no,
and she showed,
"Two lines, Dad."
I said, "Ooh, maybe
you're pregnant."
But no, she wasn't.
She got it and then bloody,
then bloody, you know,
the rest of them got it
and I didn't get it.
And after a week, my wife said,
"You're not showing me
any affection."
"Yeah, 'cause you've got
the fuckin' 'rona!"
"I'm the only one here
in the vulnerable age group!"
And eventually, I got it
and my two lines were glowing
so much I thought,
"If this is a pregnancy test,
I'm gonna be Octomom."
My wife did not give a shit!
She said...
She actually said to me,
"It'd be ironic
if you die now."
They can play Alanis Morissette
at my funeral.
No, we're... We're...
No, anyway.
I can say that, 'cause
she's not here tonight, ah...
No, she's a great
supportive person of my career,
although she's not as... No.
Anyway, my...
No, my family don't...
I did a gig...
I did a gig the other night
and when I got home
I said,
"Honey, the crowd tonight
said I was amazing."
She said, "People are nice,
aren't they?"
The kids don't give a shit.
My son's 13,
I've got an
11-year-old daughter
and a 9-year-old daughter,
and they've got no interest,
no interest
in their father's career.
My son's completely anti
my career.
Like, he actively
undermines my confidence.
I swear to God!
The other night he got home,
he said,
"Dad, my art teacher
doesn't think you're funny."
Ohhh! I said,
"Well, that's a coincidence,
"'cause when I was
at school
"my art teacher didn't think
I was funny either, mate.
"And now I'm rich
and she's dead."
No, I mean, his art teacher
didn't think I was...
whatever, good on her.
No-one at his school apparently
knows I'm his father
and he wants to keep it
that way.
"You're embarrassing, Dad."
"Yeah, I am and guess what?
"My embarrassment paid for
your fuckin' iPad, mate, so..."
No, no.
Well, it did, basically.
No, no, he's a... He's a good
lad, he's a good lad
but, I mean, he brought
some friends over the other day
and he said,
"Can you stay upstairs, Dad?"
"Don't come down!"
I had to stay upstairs,
like I was the mental cousin
in the attic.
I just started making noises.
Anyway... No, he's a good lad.
He's a good lad.
He also doesn't...
Yeah, anyway, whatever.
He thinks his mother's
too good for me.
We were walking down the street
as a family
and he said to his mother,
"You don't have to worry
"about Dad cheating on you,
"..'Cause no-one else
finds him attractive!"
"Is that right, mate?
"Have you done a survey
of everyone, have ya?
"See the way that lollipop lady
over there gave me the eye?
"I might go over and pash her
right now!"
No, it is great to be here
and you are the best crowd
I've ever had.
I've never been more pumped up!
This is the night of our lives!
And good on you!
Good on you!-
Good on you for finding
your way into the CBD!
Who here came on a bicycle?
Those bike lanes are real worth
the effort, aren't they?
Who's waiting for Metro Tunnel
to be finished?
No, they're not here.
They won't be here
for another 30 fuckin' years!
How long are they digging for?
They stopped digging recently
and I said, "Oh, no, what?-..."
They said they've
stopped digging
'cause the dirt's
Stop testing the dirt!
Dirt is meant to be dirty,
for fuck's sake!
That's why it's dirt!
"Yeah, but we've gotta
put it somewhere."
Well, don't tell the people
you're putting it...
...that it's dirty!
Just dump it in the Yarra.
Who gives a fuck?
Anyway, no, it is...
It is great to be here
and I do appreciate you
coming along, you know?
Not everything survived
the bloody, ah,
the pandemic though, did it?
The Docklands Wheel,
that's no longer going.
Can you believe that?
I can't believe
the bloody lockdown
affected the Docklands at all.
That joint's been in lockdown
for 20 years, for fuck's sake.
If anyone's used to no people
being there,
it's the Docklands.
You live in the Docklands?
Good on you.
And you're out tonight.
Have you been on
the Docklands Wheel?
You haven't, alright.
Who else has been on
the Docklands Wheel?
Seven of you.
Well worth the $700 million.
Massive Ferris wheel.
What a waste of money.
I went on it once
'cause my brother,
my 53-year-old brother, Mick...
- Go, Mick!
- You like Mick?
Well, he's single, if you're
into it. Anyway, ah...
Mick, if you're watching
this at home, I've...
I'm gonna get her number
for ya!
He's a 53-year-old cheesemaker,
so, yeah, if you're
into Cracker Barrel,
you could have
a lifetime supply.
He is single by the way.
Ah, anyway.
Mick came down from our
hometown of Warrnambool
on a Tuesday.
He said, "Dave."
One clap.
He said, "Dave, I wanna go on
the Docklands Wheel."
I said, "Mick, if that's
your dream..."
"..I'm gonna help you
make that happen."
He said, "Should we book?"
I said, "I don't think that's
gonna be necessary."
"I reckon we take a chance!"
And we turned up on a Tuesday
and we were OK.
Apparently, for 15 bucks each,
we hired the whole thing out.
Oh, it was an exciting ride.
When we got in, they said,
"Strap yourself in,
"you're about to be launched."
What the fuck?
It's a Ferris wheel.
I kid you not, when we got to
the top the voiceover said,
"Behind those buildings
over there to the east
"is the world-famous MCG."
Well, we're gonna have to take
your word for it, aren't we,
because we should've gone
to Eureka, 'cause we...
All we can see from here
is a burglary happening
at West Footscray, basically.
I love you guys, you're
the best crowd I've ever had.
It's the night of my life!
Anyone been on a plane
- Yeah!
- Yeah, and you made it.
What has happened to Qantas?
Honestly, they've shat the bed.
I can't say that on radio
'cause they sponsor my show
but, ah...
But they have, haven't they?
I mean, they all have.
I don't know, it's COVID,
apparently, but full on.
I don't know where the focus
is going these days.
They were landing the other day
and the pilot said,
"I'd like to acknowledge the
spiritual owners of the land."
Fair enough, mate,
you gonna pay them any rent?
Wouldn't have thought so.
How about acknowledging
the spiritual owners of the
bags that you've lost, alright?
I don't know if they're looking
after customers well enough.
I went there one morning,
the Qantas lounge, right,
frequent flyer, and I...
It was nine o'clock.
And I don't drink, by the way.
I look like I do, but I don't.
I haven't had a drink for
almost 30 years, yeah?
It's not an AA meeting.
But I haven't.
But almost every single day
someone will accuse me
of having a hangover
and it's annoying.
I was at the Qantas lounge, 9am.
Woman behind the counter said,
"You must've had
a rough night?"
I'd had nine hours sleep!
I said, "Nup, but I'm having
a rough mornin'."
She said, "Why?"
I said, "I just met a fuckwit,
to be honest."
She said, "When?"
I said, "Just here."
She's looking round.
Just the two of us there.
Mmmm, do the maths.
Look into my glassy eyes,
you'll see reflected back
a fuckwit!
Anyway. So, anyway,
I'm an interesting individual.
I don't d-... I've given
a lot of things up, guys.
I've become a vegan.
Any other vegans in the room?
Fuckin' thanks for the support.
Is there one, halfway back, yeah?
Good on you. It's not... Two!
Two vegans together.
Well done, you found each other
and we appreciate that.
It's a lonely existence,
being a vegan.
Christmas is not...
It's not good.
We had a pre-Christmas dinner
at my mother-in-law's house.
There's a number of people there,
some of them I didn't know.
She announced to everyone,
"All the food's vegan tonight."
You should've seen the
look of sadness in their eyes.
Then she said, "'Cause of him."
My own son said, "Dad, why
do you even have to be here?"
Anyway, I was on a plane
the other day
and they had muesli
and that had
cow's milk with it,
and I said to
the flight attendant,
"Can I get some soy milk?"
And they said,
"We don't have soy milk."
I said, "Ohhh."
Then the flight attendant
came back
and said, ah,
"You can eat it dry.
"I do that sometimes."
I said, "Fuck, thanks,
Bear Grylls."
"Could I urinate on it as well,
Anyway, no,
it is great to be here
and I've never been
more pumped up.
You're the best crowd
I've ever had.
And I love doing
stand-up comedy.
Yeah, I love it! Yes, I do.-
Did a show in the
Comedy Festival this year.
Some people weren't
aware of it, apparently.
I was out the front of my venue
one day
and a bloke walked past
and said,
"Oh, Hughesy. I love you.
What are you up to?"
I said,
"The Comedy Festival's on."
He said, "Oh, who you going
to see?"
"I'm going to see Hughesy,
"Oh, does he still...?"
"Yes, he fuckin' does!"
He does it and he loves it.
Absolutely love it, I do.
I'm bloody pumped up
and I love comedy.
I bloody love it, guys.
I love it more than anything.
This is my joy.
Get to leave the house
and have a good time.
Have a good time with people, yeah?
And you can get a photo with me
afterwards, if you like.
Just get a photo.
I'm into it. I'm right into it.
I'm right into photos.
But don't do what
this bloke did recently.
He said, "Can I have a photo?"
I said, "Sure."
I went to put my arm
around him.
He said,
"No, just on your own."
Well, that's weird.
You could get one of those off
the internet, if you wanted to.
And he said,
"Can you look angry?"
I said, "I fuckin' am angry!"
He said, "Can you put
your finger up to the camera?"
He said, "Give the camera
the bird."
So I said, "OK."
He said, "Look really angry."
I said, "OK. Urgh."
I said, "Why am I doing this?"
He said, "I'm gonna send it
to my mate. He hates you."
It was unnecessary.
Stop hating people.
Some people don't like me
'cause during the lockdown
I was on the internet
and I was just expressing
my opinions.
I thought some of the
politicians were going too far.
I'm not gonna lie.
I thought
they were going too far.
I thought they enjoyed
the press conferences too much.
I thought Dan Andrews
in Victoria
was really going for it.
Most locked down bloody city
in the world.
It was a bit much.
Remember when after two years
of being locked down
we all got triple
or quadruple vaccinated,
'cause you just never know
when enough's enough, do ya?
I got vaccinated once
when I went for a jog.
I was jogging in St Kilda
and some bloke out the front
of a caravan said,
"Do you want your booster?"
I said, "I'm going for a jog."
He said, "I've got one more to
give away before I can go home.
"Come on!"
So I jogged into his caravan.
I said, "I don't have
my Medicare card."
He said, "Doesn't matter."
He just stuck it in
and I jogged home.
I have no idea what
he put in me.
But after two years...
And I remember when Dan,
after two years of
being locked down,
Dan went on TV and said,
"I feel like a proud dad today.
"You can come out."-
That's weird.
Proud dad 'cause you've locked
your kids in the basement
for two years?-
Is that how Fritzl felt
when his kids got out?
Alright. Is that a bit much?
Every state premier
was doing it, weren't they?
Oh, my God,
they were all insane.
I actually didn't mind
the New South Wales Premier.
She was letting people get out
and about, Gladys.
I didn't mind Gladys
and then Gladys had to quit.
I thought,
"Why's she quitting
"'cause she's in a relationship
with a guy called Daryl?"
What, you quit being premier
'cause of a bloke called Daryl?
I thought,
"He must be a looker."
Then I saw a photo of Daryl.
Jeez, he must have a massive
Wagga Wagga, that Daryl.
He must have a huge
Wagga Wagga.
But they were all
gettin' involved.
I didn't even know
the Northern Territory
had someone in charge...
...but they were going,
"There's no-one who's got COVID
in the Territory."
That's 'cause there's no
people there, mate!
Test the crocodiles,
you'll find some.
The WA guy was the winner
for me, though, wasn't he?
He was unbelievable.
He was so strict.
I mean, Kim Jong-un was looking
at him going, "Mate..."
"You need to calm down
a bit, mate."
He was so addicted
to bloody publicity.
And, for me, one of
the best stories of 2021
was little Cleo,
the girl who got abducted,
she was found
safe and well, thankfully.
For 19 days, she was abducted,
eventually found.
It was a guy who was obsessed
with Bratz dolls
in a town called Carnarvon.
And what happened?
The day she was found
the WA Premier flew
to that town
to do a meet-and-greet
with a four-year-old.
Mate, she does not know
who you are.
She's not gonna vote for ya.
Fuck off.
And she was with a guy who was
obsessed with Bratz dolls
for 19 days. The Premier
gave her a teddy bear.
I could see the look
in her eyes.
She's looking at Mum going,
"Do I have to go with
this fuckhead now, Mum?"
It was too much!
Anyway, it's great to be here
and you are the best crowd
I've ever had.
I've never been more pumped up.
And I am...
I love it.
I love doing comedy.
I absolutely...
I love hanging out
with new comedians.
They come up with terms
I don't know.
I was backstage
at a little club recently,
there was a bloke on stage
and he said... he said,
"My girlfriend pegged me
last night."
I had no idea
that was a new term.
I thought 'pegging' was when
you put a clothes peg
on the back of someone's shirt.
I was on next after this guy.
I walked on stage and said,
"Who cares?
"My kids peg me all the time."
Then I found out
what it means now
and that you...
Do you know
what that means, sir?
Do you know what 'pegging'
No. No. No. No.
Yep, alright.
Do you know what it means, mate?
Have you heard the term?
Yeah, absolutely. Yeah.-
If you haven't heard that term,
do not Google that at work
on Monday, I can tell you.
It's... Oh, it's when a lady
loves a man a lot, apparently.
It's good.
It's good? Alright.-
I'm not doing it,
'cause I think my wife,
sometimes she might get
so angry that...
Anyway, ah...-
Honestly, I'm not...
Anyway, I...
She made me have a colonic one
day and that was enough for me.
I had no idea
what that process was.
If you don't know what
that is - I had to go somewhere
and a woman tried to shove
a garden hose up my arse.
And the problem is
it wouldn't fit!
That was the toughest
ten minutes of my life!
We recorded it for the radio
and the playback was harrowing.
It's was just me
going, "Aaaargh!"
Then I asked a question
I never wanna have to
ask again in my life.
I said, "Is it in yet?"-
And the answer broke my heart.
She said, "No, it's not."
Oh, my God!
Then she said something
that freaked me out.
She said, "We might have to use
the kids' hose on you."
There's a kids' hose?
Then my ego kicked in.
I said, "I'm a man. You get
that man hose up me!"
"Use a run-up
if you have to."
"Get the receptionist
No, it's great to be here.
It is great to be here.
I did recently start vaping,
which is ridiculous.
I'm not proud of it.
It's stupid. It's stupid.
Someone gave me one
on election night
and I sucked on it
and I'm... and it's...-
It's not funny!-
I gave up smoking 30 years ago.
Now I'm sucking
on a highlighter, basically.
And they're talking about
teenagers hiding it
from their parents.
What about parents hiding it
from their teenagers?
I rang my wife.
She was in the car
with the three kids
and I had a fresh vape
and I...
It's in Alfoil
so they couldn't see me.
So I opened the packet,
my wife's eagle-eared.
She said,
"What are you opening?"
I said, "A packet of nuts."
My son said, "What sorta nuts?"
I said, "Blueberry ice nuts."
I'm just trying to hide it
from them,
but she's found out and that's
tricky 'cause she's now...
She rang me the other day
and she said,
"I've googled and vaping causes
erectile dysfunction."
I'm like, "Honey, don't make me
"This is available to me
every day.
"That happens on my birthdays."
Yeah, I don't do any drugs
apart... I'm not a drug-taker.
I'm not, I'm not.
Now, who here's on
crystal meth? Who's on it, ah?
There are only two more sleeps
till Christmas, you'll be OK,
but, ah...
That gets a bad rap, that drug,
but fair enough too.
But I tell you what,
it does do some things.
It gets people out
in the community, doesn't it?
They don't stay home.
They like to integrate themselves.
And they're not paranoid.
They look in the mirror and go,
"I look good, yep.
"I'm trying to eat me own
teeth, fuckin' fair enough.
"Let's go shopping at Big W."
They interact with me,
these people, though,
because they see me
and they see a kindred spirit
and I appreciate that.
Actually, I was on
the light rail recently.
This is a true story, and this
is when you had to wear a mask
and I'm not sure
if you still do,
but anyway, I was wearing
a mask, got on at St Kilda.
There was no-one else
on the carriage,
I thought, "I'll get into
the city, no worries.
"I'm wearing my mask." Some bloke got
on after me, no-one else in the carriage,
and straight away I could tell
that he was a meth enthusiast.
You just know.
And where did he decide to sit?
Right beside me.-
And he started staring at me.
I'm trying not to freak out
and then he goes, "Hughesy!"
"You're trying to hide
behind that mask
"but I can see you!"
"I'm not hiding, mate.
"I'm not Michael Jackson
in 1987.
"It's a government regulation!"
He said, "Well, I'm not
wearing one."
I said, "I reckon COVID's the
least of your problems, mate."
Then, I kid you not, he said,
"You wanna know
what I've been up to today?"
And I'm thinking,
"No, I don't."
He said, "OK, I'll tell ya."
And this is true, he said,
"I stabbed two blokes."
I'm like, "Oo-oh!
Well, you've had a full day.
"You have a good old sleep
"and you start stabbing again
in the morning, alright?"
So then he must've felt guilty.
He said, "They deserved it."
I said, "I'm sure they did,
mate. I am Team Stabby!"
"You stab because you care."
Then he said, "They were
trying to steal me drugs."
I said, "Well, clearly,
they failed in that endeavour."
But then he goes,
"What have you been up to?"
And I thought, "Oh, no,
I've gotta step this up."
"I've gotta let this guy know
that I'm a hard man."
I said, "Mate, I've been
on the edge today, as well.
"The law means nothing to me.
"I didn't even tap on
for this ride."
"We're both going to hell
and we're going there for free.
"If a ticket inspector gets on,
you know what to do."
Anyway, if he's watching this
I said I wouldn't tell anyone,
but I have.
There's no inhibitions.
I was in a city car park
one night, alright,
and I'm walking back to my car.
It was a Saturday night,
about 11 o'clock,
and I walked past a guy who was
lying on top of a sleeping bag.
I thought, "Hang on,
he's got no shirt on.
"Hang on, he's got
no clothes on whatsoever."
He was holding an iPad
and he was doing something
he should not have been
doing in public.
It was graphic.
He was on his own,
but I still felt like a victim.
I went back to my car
and I thought,
"You know what,
I'm normally live or let live,
"but I've just walked past
a crime
"and I'm gonna phone
this one in."
So I got my phone out,
I'm standing next to my car
and I was thinking about
ringing triple zero
and becoming
a triple-zero hero.
Then I thought about
what are they gonna ask me?
Am I gonna have to describe
what's going on here?
Gonna have to pick out a penis
in a line-up.
What if this makes the news
and the headline is,
"Dave Hughes helps police
out with their enquiries
"about masturbating man
in car park"?
I thought, "That's not right.
I don't wanna be that guy."
So then I'm standing there
and someone else must've made
the phone call before I did
so five police walked up
the ramp of the city car park
to deal with the wanker.
They walked over and gave him
a bit of a kick, like,
"Put it away, mate, alright?"
And then two of them looked up
and saw me, 30 metres away,
standing there, phone in hand.
They came over, he said,
"Are you the guy that made
the call?"
I said, "Nah.
I was just watching."
Anyway, no,
it's great to be here
and I am so pumped up.
You are the best crowd
I've ever had.
Thank you.
Thank you.
Spending a lot of time
in Sydney at the moment.
Everyone loves Sydney, yeah?-
Tell you what is different,
the beaches.
I'm a Melbourne beach guy.
I can sorta get away with my
body on a Melbourne beach.
Thank you.
That gets a cheer here.
My children don't cheer it.
I'm not allowed to have
my shirt off at home!
The other day, my nine-year-old
said, "Dad, you've got boobs."
I said, "You haven't,
so who's the winner?"
On a Sydney beach
I can't get away with it.
They're so fit.
Even in winter, they're ripped.
I'm like, "Fuckin' have a donut
and calm down, you fuckheads."
It's winter!
I was eating chips on
the Bondi Beach recently
and the seagulls were looking
at me going,
"What the fuck are they?"
"We only have kale here."
Anyway, no,
it's great to be here.
But it's been so cold,
hasn't it?
ScoMo was right.
It's not easy under Albanese.
Who would've thought that
advertising campaign
wasn't gonna work?
They spent hundreds of millions
of dollars on that thing.
Got 'em nowhere.
Poor old ScoMo.
I mean, he was...
I mean, he tri-...
Anyway, poor old ScoMo!
I knew he wasn't
cutting through
when he gave Joe Biden
$100 billion for submarines.
He was meant to give them
to the French,
but he took it off the French
and he gave it to Joe Biden
'cause he wanted to
suck up to Joe Biden.
And Joe Biden,
at a press conference with
Boris Johnson and ScoMo,
just two people, only had to
remember two names.
Joe Biden said,
"Thank you, Boris,"
and looked at ScoMo
and said, "Aaaah.
"Thanks to the dude
from Down Under."
$100 billion and he can't even
remember his name.
I mean, that says a little bit
about Joe Biden, as well.
I don't know if you've
looked at him recently,
but that is Weekend At Bernie's
Come on. I saw him fall off
a pushbike the other day.
He is struggling.
But I get in trouble
when I mention Joe Biden.
Actually, I had to get
off Twitter after this.
I said something about Joe
Biden which angered everyone.
Joe Biden was doing a speech,
right, and I was watching it
and he was struggling
with his speech,
there's no doubt about it.
So I wrote, "Joe Biden's having
a mad struggle with his speech.
"Is it the autocue?"
And I thought it might've been
because I struggle
with autocues as well.
I've been on TV
for over 20 years,
they never let me
use the autocue
because, apparently,
every time I use it,
it looks like I'm in
a hostage situation.
So I wrote that tweet
thinking no-one would care.
I wrote it and I sent it.
I left my phone
for ten minutes.
I came back and, apparently,
I had started World War Three.
I was trending number one,
two and three,
and none of the comments
were positive.
People were hating on me.
It was unbelievable.
The first comment
was from Wendy Harmer,
a great Australian comedian.
She wrote, "Hughesy,
Joe Biden's got a stutter.
"You should know that."
Well, I fuckin' didn't know it, Wendy.
Did you know Joe Biden
had a stutter?
No, 'cause he doesn't stutter.
he did when he was a kid,
but that was in the 1800s,
for fuck's sake!
For three days,
people were hating on me.
It was unbelievable!
The worst comment I got
was when someone wrote,
"Hughesy, I used to
find you funny,
"but I'm never gonna laugh at
anything you ever say again
"because now
you've punched down."
I had no idea what that meant.
I had to look it up.
It means you're having a go
at someone of a lower
social status than you.
Joe Biden's the President
of America!
I hang out with crackheads
on the light rail.
It was unbelievable.
But anyway.
Good on him
and good luck to him, alright?
Hope it works out for him.
I put a photo up
of my rescue dog,
trying to suck up to people.
- Anyone got a rescue animal?
- Woo!
We're the real heroes,
aren't we?
- Yes.
- Yes.
I mean, there's all these
people with Cavoodles
living easy lives.
They don't know what it's
like to really love an animal
'cause one thing you know about
rescue dogs when you get 'em,
you know there's
something wrong.
They're not giving away
the good ones, I can tell you.
We got two new rescue cats.
We already had a rescue...
We had two rescue dogs
and a rescue cat.
We got two new rescue cats
during lockdown.
That's a big effort.
- One of them got run over.
- Ohhh!
Yeah, it's sad,
but that was during a lockdown
when there was
no cars on the street.
I don't know how it found a car
to run itself over.
Was it a suicide?
It might've been our first
rescue cat
who did not like the new cats,
at all,
Teddy, who's 18 years old.
He's been morbidly obese
for that whole time.
I've had vets over 18 years say,
"You've got to get him
to lose weight."
"Do I, mate?
I don't think so."
He's happy.
"He doesn't even have an
Instagram account, alright,
"so there's no-one
trolling his selfies."
He goes, "You're overfeeding
him." "No, I'm not.
"He might have a Deliveroo
account, as far as I know."
But morbidly obese Teddy
is still hunting.
Still hunting!
I saw him out in the backyard
the other day
with a pigeon in his mouth.
Not for a second did
I feel sorry for that pigeon.
I thought, "If you're an animal
with the gift of flight
"and you got caught
by that fat fucker..."
"..You deserve to die!"
No, we love... We love Teddy.
We do.
I've got two rescue dogs
as well.
Barkley I've had for 17 years.
17 years!
He's a mid-size mongrel
and for all that time,
he has been biting people.
And that is an achievement,
to keep a dog alive for
that long that bites people.
You know how many crimes
I've had to cover up?
He's never hurt anyone
that bad, but it's stressful.
I remember one day I was
in a park and he bit a kid.
Luckily, the kid wasn't
old enough
to explain to his mum
what had happened.
The kid was about two.
And he didn't even break
the skin,
but the kid's carrying on like
he'd been bitten by a shark.
I'm, "You're OK, mate.
You're OK."
She's on her iPhone,
she didn't see what happened.
I'm like, "What can we do?
Do you want some cash?
"Let's shut up, mate."
Eventually, his mum
looked off her iPhone and said,
"What happened here?"
I said, "Your kid just went
nuts. Can you calm him down?
"He's freaking my dog out."
Some people...
Some people deserve it, though.
I tell people not to pat him.
One woman, one day,
she had dreadlocks
and she went to pat him.
I said, "Don't pat him."
She said, "Why?"
I said, "He will bite you."
She said, "He won't."
I said, "He will."
She said, "He won't,
I'm a dog whisperer."
I said, "Well, guess what,
I can see the future..."
"..And I reckon my superpower's
gonna beat your superpower."
She said, "Watch this,"
and I watched my dog bite her.
She looked at me
like I hadn't predicted it.
"Oh, Nostradamus has got
another right over here, yeah?
"You're a dog whisperer
and he's deaf,
"he couldn't fuckin' hear you!"
"He smelt the dreadlocks
and he went for the kill!"
No, I love Barkley.
We got some tough news.
No, I do love Barkley.
He's a great dog and I walk him
round all the time
and you know what he loves,
he loves to poo in public.
And he won't just do one.
He'll do, like, nine or ten
on every walk.
I reckon he counts the amount
of bags I've got
and makes sure he does
one more shit
than the amount of bags
I've got.
And he always does the last one
in front of people.
He did one in front
of a cake shop one day
and I'd run out of bags.
People were eating
their bloody mudcakes.
I'm like, "You want
another one?"
I had no bags left.
All I could find was
a McDonald's cup
so I scooped the shit in that
and it was a big cup,
and it needed to be.
I'm walking home
with my stupid dog
and a massive cup of shit...
...thinking, "I've worked too
hard to be in this situation."
Normally, I love
getting recognised,
but this wasn't
one of those times.
Two young women said,
"Hughesy, we need a photo,"
and I'm thinking,
"No, you don't. Not today."
They wouldn't take
no for an answer.
I had one under this arm,
one under this arm.
She's trying to work out
the reverse bloody camera
on her iPhone
while I had a cup of shit
in her ear.
Eventually, the smell
overpowered the three of us.
She said, "What's in the cup?"
I said, "That's McDonald's
new thickshake."
No, you're a great crowd.
I've never been more pumped up.
Had some tough news
with Barkley, though,
recently, though,
Barkley, 17-year-old Barkley.
Took him to the vet and
the vet gave him the once-over.
I'll never forget what the vet
said, it was only recently.
He said, "I reckon he's got
about five more years
"left in him."
"Are you sure?"
No, we love Barkley,
but Barkley looks at me
the way the Queen looks at
Prince Charles.
"I'm never gonna fuckin' die!"
He's trying to knock her off,
isn't he, yeah?
He gave her COVID.
He had it seven times.
Every time, he took it
straight home to Mummy.
"Come on, Mummy,
let's have a kiss."
"Tongues tonight, Mummy."
Anyway, no, you're...
This is...
I'm pumped up.
You're a great crowd.
My children maybe
will see this.
Maybe they will, I don't know.
I'll tell you what the best
thing about the pandemic was.
My daughter's ballet concerts
were cancelled for two years.
No, honestly.
They lock the doors
when they start.
It's like a hostage situation.
You can't just watch your kid
and leave,
you've gotta watch everyone.
My nine-year-old had her
first concert recently.
She was crying all
the way through it.
Afterwards, I said,
"What was wrong?"
She said,
"I made a mistake, Dad."
I said, "Who cares?
"The whole thing
looks like a fuckin' mistake."
No, I support...
I do support them.
I mean, I try to get them
involved in my career.
They couldn't give a shit.
Recently, I was on Celebrity
Gogglebox with my children.
Anyone see that?
Yeah, thank you, alright.
Thank you for watching.
And my two daughters
were there.
My son didn't want to do it.
Alright, whatever, mate.
But they're there
and, honestly, five minutes
into watching it...
If you don't know
what Gogglebox is,
you watch TV, people film you
while you're watching it,
and that's TV, apparently.
They didn't like the shows
we were watching.
At that time, Married At First
Sight was one of the shows
and my daughter was going,
"This is weird, Dad.
"Those people aren't
meant for each other.
"Why are they married?"
I said, "'Cause the experts
put them together."
- "But they're not suited."
- "I know they're not suited
"and the experts know as well,
alright, so...
"They want two crazy people to
hang out for a couple of months
"and that's it, alright?"
I wouldn't trust those experts
to match my socks,
to be honest, so...
After five minutes of watching
the show, they're going,
"We don't wanna be here
"You've got to.
We've got to do this."
"We know our rights."
Then they stopped smiling.
I said, "Keep smiling!
"Australia needs to know
"we're a happy fuckin'
family, alright?"
My son, I take him out
to bloody basketball
every Friday night.
He plays in the Under,
what is it,
the Under-something,
ah, Under-14s.
We drive for an hour,
every Friday night and
the gratitude? There's none.
He's on his TikTok
the whole way.
Drove to Bacchus Marsh recently,
got there and he goes,
"Just drop me off out
the front, you find a park."
"You're not LeBron James,
He said, "See ya,
wouldn't wanna be ya."
I said, "I think you would,
'cause I've got the car, yeah?"
"It's a lot of dribbling to get
back to St Kilda, fuckhead,
"I can tell you."
No, he's a good kid.
No, he bloody annoys me, though.
He does annoy me.
The other night, his wi-...
Not his wife, my wife!
His mother hugged me
in the kitchen
and he was,
"Oh, this is disgusting.
"Get a room!"
I said, "We've got
a whole house!
"You don't own fuck all, mate,
alright, so..."
"And her hugging me
"is the reason
you're in the world, yeah?
"If she didn't wanna do this,
you would be alive, yeah?
"You're like someone
who likes bacon,
"doesn't wanna see the pig get
slaughtered, aren't ya?"
My wife said, "Am I the pig?"
"No, you're not the pig
in the analogy!"
No, I do, I love my...
My children are amazing
and my wife is amazing.
She's an absolute angel,
no doubt about it, absolutely.
And I think...
I think I'm a good guy.
I think, generally,
I'm a good guy.
I mean, I do things wrong.
I'm a sober guy, I come home
early every night,
but, you know,
but I'm not perfect
and I found that out recently.
I'm lying in bed.
I've started reading a Kindle
to go to sleep.
It's an eReader. You don't
need the bedside light on.
So I read it every night
to go to sleep,
thinking I'm doing
the right thing.
Reading me Kindle the other
night and she just snapped.
She said, "You're ruining
my life!"
I'm like, "Can I just finish
my chapter
"before we go on with that?"
She said, "That's why you're
ruining my life."
I said, "What do you mean
"that's why I'm ruining
your life?"
She said, "It's that Kindle.
You're addicted to it."
"Well, you've lucked out in the
husband stakes, haven't ya?"
"You could have a
heroin-addicted, womanising,
"gambling addict
who's out every night,
"but you've got yourself a
dirty, stinking Kindle reader."
"Some arsehole who comes home
early every night
"and lies in bed
just to fuck you up!"
I said, "How is this ruining
your life?"
She said, "It's so bright,
"I can't sleep when you read it
and you read it every night."
I'm like, "It's not a flare,
for fuck's sake!"
"Can't you shut your eyes?"
She said, "I can see it
through my shut eyelids."
"Well, get some thicker
eyelids, you fuckhead!"
Now guys,
before you cancel me,
not all of that story
happened out loud.
Her half did happen out loud.
My half was
an internal monologue.
So when she said, ah, you know,
that I was ruining her life,
I said, "How?"
she said, "The Kindle."
I said, "I'm sorry."
I said, "What's the problem?"
She said, "It's too bright,"
and I said,
"I didn't know, honey!"
"What do we do?"
She said, "You can
turn it down,"
and together
we turned it down so low,
that I could no longer read it.
I couldn't tell her that, though.
She went straight to sleep and
I just dropped it on the ground
and stared at the ceiling
for six hours...
...wondering what heroin
was like.
No, we are a great couple,
though. We are.
And I've got to say this
about couples
in long-term relationships.
We're 20 years down the track.
20 years together.
It's a good effort, yeah?
20 years!
And we still have sexy times,
You've gotta
keep having sexy times.
You have to.
I know that you get tired,
but you've gotta push through.
There's a lot of women
in this room going,
"But I work so hard."
I know you do and that's why
we want to reward you.
My wife works very hard,
there's no doubt about it.
She takes the mental load
of the family
and I appreciate that.
Not enough, apparently,
but I do.
But I tell you what,
her multitasking can become inappropriate.
Recently, we were in the middle
of what I thought
was a very sexy time.
I thought we were
in the middle of it.
I thought we were focused.
Then she goes, "Mmmmmm.
"What are we gonna get
Sidney for his birthday?"
Sidney's our seven-ear-old
I had my hand
on her tit at the time.
I'm like, "Honey, I don't care.
"Let's talk about this
There's no way... There is
a double standard, guys.
There's no way,
even after 20 years,
I could change the subject
during the middle of sexy time
if she was busting
her best moves.
There is no way.
I mean, imagine...
No, don't imagine.
Just say she was going down
on meee!
So let's just imagine
it's 2005!
Then I tap her
on the top of the head.
"Mmmm, it's going very well,
"but what are we gonna get
Sidney for his birthday?"
She would bite my cock off!
And not a court in the land
would convict her!
There's definitely
a double standard,
absolutely, definitely.
I remember just before
the pandemic hit,
she went to Bali
on a girls' trip.
One of her friends
was turning 40.
And I'm like, "Right, I'll stay
home with the three kids."
They complained the whole time
she was away.
"Where's Mum?
When will she be back?"
I knew that was gonna happen.
They complain
if she goes to the shops.
"When will Mum be back?"
"I reckon five minutes.
"You wanna FaceTime her,
do you?"
I can go away for three weeks,
they don't even
look up from their iPads.
I once rang them
from Montreal, FaceTime.
I reckon I was a minute
into the conversation,
my son said,
"Dad, gonna put you down now,"
and just dropped the phone,
left me staring at the ceiling.
No-one came to check on me.
I just hung up.
Made me think about
50 years' time
where I'm lying in a nursing
home bed, they're looking over.
"We're gonna put you down now,
"It's been fun, but it's over."
Anyway, so she's over in Bali.
This is the double standard.
I get a text message.
I reckon it was midnight
on a Wednesday night.
This is what the message said.
"Me and the girls are going
for late night massages.
"Wish us luck."
"Wish us luck."
massages in Bali.
I can tell you, if I'm on
a boys' trip to Bali,
I'm not sending that message.
"Wish us luck, honey.
"Wanna have a happy
ending to the evening!"
Anyway, so I said, "Good luck"
and then I woke up
the next morning
to a photo from her -
it was of her decolletage
with scratches
over the top of her boobs.
I'm like,
"What, she's sexting me?"
I sent a message,
"What happened last night?"
She sent a message back,
"You a bit suss on me, are ya?"
"Well, yes, I am.
"They're pretty
scratchy boobs!"
She sent a message back,
"That's cute, isn't it?"
That's cute?
I don't reckon it'd be cute if
you were suss on me, would ya?
If you thought
I'd cheated on you,
it'd be light rail stabby,
stabby guy, wouldn't it?
Then she sent a message back saying,
"I was so relaxed
after the massage,
"walking back to the villa
I didn't look where I was going
"and I stepped into a ditch."
I'm like, "Was there a tiger
in that ditch, was there?"
"'Cause they are very,
very scratchy boobs."
Then she said something
I will never forget.
She said, "I can't even
cheat on you in my fantasies."
I'm like, "What?
"20 years together
"and you've never thought
about another man?"
And she said, "Yes, I have."
I said, "Well, isn't
that cheating on me
"in your fantasies?"
She said, "No. First, I have to
fantasise that you've died."
I'm like, "Every time?
"And can you not use the term
"when you talk
about me dying?"
She said, "Every time."
I said, "Well, how do I die?"
She said,
"All sorts of different ways."
I said, "Do I ever suffer?"
She said,
"Sometimes you suffer a lot."
"Well done, good on you for
being able to get through that
"and get on with your life."
Now it makes me wonder
what she thinks...
Anyway, whatever, good on her.
We're a great couple and
we have a great time together.
We're a beautiful couple.
And we do. We... we...
Good on us.
It's not easy, though,
when you've got children
in the house, you know?
It's not easy.
And my wife has got
an open-door policy, yeah?
So the door always has to be
open to our bedroom.
She says she wants
everyone to feel safe.
I'm like, "If they see
what's happening right now,
"they're not gonna feel safe,
I don't believe."
That can be really,
really stressful
if you're in the middle of it.
Really stressful.
I remember one night,
we're in the middle of it
and my son starts running
down the corridor to our room.
He's going faster than
Usain Bolt at the Olympics.
He's sprinting towards us
and he's going,
"There's really scary noises
going on in there!
"The noises
are freaking me out!"
We have not got
time to uncouple.
I'm like, "Well,
run away from the noise!"
"Why would you run
towards danger?"
He said, "Dad,
but the noises are scary!"
I said, "Go to the backyard!"
"We'll come out
when it's safe!"
He said, "Dad,
but I wanna come in there."
I'm like, "If you come in here,
"I won't be coming anywhere,
will I?"
And my wife is like,
"You've gotta let him in."
I said, "I don't want to!
"It's my birthday!"
But she says, "Oh, alright,"
and we uncoupled
and he walked in, he said,
"Is it safe in here now?"
I said, "Yes, it's safe
in here."
He said,
"No more scary noises?"
I said, "No more scary noises.
"You might hear a noise in the
bathroom in a minute, though."
"Don't worry about that."
He said, "What will that be?"
I said, "That'll be Dad hitting
his dick with a hammer."
Guys, you have been
the best crowd I've ever had.
I bloody love you!-
And who loves
the Masked Singer?
If you don't know what
the Masked Singer is,
it's a TV show.
I'm on it.
Yes, you have singers in masks
and they sing.
I sit on a panel
and we guess who they are.
And it's not easy to guess.
It can be stressful.
Really stressful.
And sometimes the mask
comes off
and you've gotta keep guessing.
And if you don't hear Osher
say who it is,
I'm like, "Who the fuck
did he say?"
You've gotta be excited about
people you don't know.
"Oh, no, it's you!
"I can't believe it's you!
"I can't believe you'd do
this show
"'cause I don't know
who the fuck you are!"
I initially did the show,
I didn't know
what the show was,
but I heard I was gonna be with
Dannii Minogue, Jackie O
and Lindsay Lohan,
and I thought, "And me?"
And they said, "Yep."
I said, "Well, count me in."
Lindsay Lohan,
an international star!
She was famous as a child,
She did a movie called
Parent Trap
and then she did a movie called
Freaky Friday
and then she was a teenager,
she did a movie called
Mean Girls.
Massive star!
Then she made
a series of decisions...
...and it meant in 2019,
she flew to Australia to be on
a TV show sitting next to me.
And the first time she saw me,
I think she regretted
some of those decisions.
She couldn't even
understand me.
She looked at me and said,
"Why do you speak like that?"
I said, "It's a gift."
She got told there was gonna be
massive stars on the show.
She was... She was reaching
for the bloody...
One night she said,
"I think it's Bruno Mars."
My main job early on was
just to encourage her guessing.
I said, "I reckon it might be.
"He just won 20 Grammys.
"He's got $800 million
in the bank.
"This was gonna be
his next move,
"there's no doubt about it."
It wasn't Bruno Mars.
But I got to spend
the night in her hotel room
'cause a mate of mine,
another comedian,
was on the show one night,
Nazeem Hussain,
and she liked...
They got along well and she
sent him a message afterwards.
I was hanging out with him
at a hotel and he said,
"Lindsay Lohan wants us
to come to her hotel room."
I'm like, "What?"
He said, "Yeah."
I said, "Oh, my God! Really?"
And then he sent a message back
and I didn't hear the response.
I said, "What did she say?"
"She hasn't responded
to my next message."
I said, "What was the message?"
He said, "I sent her a message,
'Should we bring a plate?'"
I'm like, "Mate, she doesn't
know what that is!
"She's not a housewife
from Melton, for fuck's sake."
She came back with the message,
"A plate?
"Bring a bottle of wine."
And then we started
freaking out
'cause I don't drink
and he's Muslim.
I said, "One of us
is going to hell tonight!"
We brought a bottle of wine,
none of us touched it.
She didn't notice.
But I was hanging out
in a hotel room
like I was Robert Downey Jr.
in 19-bloody-97.
I was freakin' out.
I was so nervous, I went to
the toilet at one point
just to do a wee, but I got
stage fright in the toilet.
I'm like, "Oh, no!"
and the clock was ticking.
I'm thinking, "She's gonna
think I'm doing a shit."
Have you had a good time, everyone?
I love you all.
I've been Dave Hughes.
Thank you!