David Spade: Dandelion (2025) Movie Script
[rock music playing]
[cheers and applause]
Nice. Denver, good to see you.
- [cheering]
- Thanks for coming.
Yeah.
Love Denver, haven't been here
for a while.
Quickly, does the altitude
affect your peeing?
Because last night,
I could pee so far off my bed.
[laughter]
More than normal. Local bits.
All right, anyway, um...
I think a lot of you drove here.
I drive a lot in L.A.
It kind of sucks.
Obviously, I have a little bit
of road rage, but...
I will tell you one thing.
If I'm driving and I let you,
I give you the gift
of merging in front of me,
you better wave.
[cheers and applause]
Yeah.
There will be problems.
I'm like a psycho because I think of it
as, like, a bigger favor than most people,
so if I look over and I'm, like, "Go!"
If I give you that,
I want to see this...
I want to see at least this in the window.
I'll take this.
I'll even take the cigarette--
deesh-deesh-- with an ash.
I'll take scraps.
You can't do nothing.
You can't do nothing.
If you do nothing,
I will follow you
for a minimum 100 miles.
[laughter]
I will go to your house, I'll put
an air tag on your bumper at midnight.
[laughter]
Other than that,
I'm pretty chill, but...
Sorry.
By the way, just quickly,
off the record,
um, in 1998 they invented
the cordless mic.
Now let me just-- Listen.
[laughter]
Now, listen, Paramount Theatre,
let's not jump on trends.
I don't mind dragging
42 feet of fucking cable around
that weighs 16 pounds.
It's throwing out my clavicle,
and we're on joke four, all right?
Jesus Christ, let's not hop on fads.
They have a sweetheart deal
with fucking RadioShack at the mall.
[laughter]
No, actually this is Amazon,
okay, so this is...
This is Jeff Bezos
getting a fifth private jet,
and then he gets my dog shit mic
off a fucking Black Friday deal.
Amazon Prime,
whatever they call it. Yeah.
- Thank you.
- [cheers and applause]
On the only night that matters.
Great.
[laughter]
Stick your hand in there.
Goddamn. I love that Amazon
gets it from Amazon.
That's...
All right, well...
Oh, shit.
Flew out here, um...
The pilot when I get on says,
"Hey, welcome to our 737.
We just got our door back."
Now...
why are you mentioning
the door that flew off
because I don't know
if it's the real plane?
Don't talk about it,
I just forgot about it.
Do you remember when the door
flew off the plane?
You remember how terrifying that was?
Then they showed a video of it.
I go, "Oh, my God, they have a video?"
This must be pandemonium.
No, no, no, if you saw it,
it was dead silence.
People, like this...
[laughter]
Like it was, like, some
M. Night Shamalama-ding-dong movie.
I'm, like, "Guys, the door is off,
it's night time, even scarier,
tornado-like winds," and they're, like...
[laughter]
Wh-- If it was me,
just the noise of my diarrhea hitting
everyone's forehead on the way out.
Deesh-deesh-deesh.
I'd be wailing on that call button.
A-bung-bung-bung-bung-
bung-bung-bung-bung.
[whispering] "Hey, um,
was there a door when I got on?
I don't even check anymore.
It's kind of a given, um..."
And then the people
in the way back, they go
"We didn't know what was going on."
What do you think's going on?
Dude, I'd be popping up
like Meerkat Manor.
[laughter]
What do you think,
it's the blower's broken? Pssst!
"Goddamn, that's strong."
Shunk!
"There goes my chain!"
Shunk! "There's my baby!
Turn this off. Fix it!"
[laughter]
When I get on,
they give me the Pepsi scam too.
No offense, dog-shit Pepsi,
but you know what, when I get on there,
I always go, "I want a Diet Coke."
It happens everywhere.
This is like a weird phenomenon.
I was at a casino gig.
I'm in the restaurant and I go,
"Hey, um, Diet Coke."
They go, "Nah, we only got Pepsi."
I go, "Well, I saw a store walking
in here, maybe I'll just go grab one."
He goes, "No, we're a Pepsi casino."
"Wait, all effing, fucking 40 acres
of this place, that's all, all Pepsi?
I don't know if this is legal."
And he goes, "But you know what?"
He helps me out.
"There's a 7-Eleven a couple clicks
down the freeway."
And I go, "Mm. Are you going?
I'm not going, are you going?
Wh-- A couple of clicks, am I Vietcong?
What am I--? What are you talking about?
Is that an inch? A mile?
How long's a click?"
[laughter]
"You think I'm walking down the freeway
in the middle of the night?"
No, thank you.
So, I'm on the plane,
and then I order a Diet Coke,
and they go-- They don't even bother
telling you they don't have it, they go,
"Mm-kay."
[laughter]
"Let me get that for you.
Let me get your Diet Coke."
And they go back to that little apartment.
[makes sound of curtain closing]
And then they come out,
"Here's your Diet."
Vague "Diet," vague.
And then they go hide behind that little
fucking bulkhead or whatever it's called.
And I'm like this... [sniffs]
I can tell already.
[laughter]
And they go...
[wicked cackle]
"Ah, you caught me!
It's dog shit, sorry."
[laughter]
No.
God forbid you ask for anything.
It's usually just, you know,
some ratty hose water.
I'm, like, "Can I get some water?"
Like, "Yeah."
Then she brings a big, nice fat bottle,
and I go, "Ah."
And she goes, "No, no, no."
[soft laughter]
Here's your little,
filthy little Dixie cup
that you wash your mouth out with
at the dentist.
[laughter]
"Can I take that?'"
"Uh, I'm not done yet."
Crunch. There you go.
Then she comes by later
with a gerbil feeder,
I'm like this... [makes sucking sounds]
[laughter]
And right before we land,
she's got the iron. Dooff, dooff.
I'm, like... [makes sucking sounds]
It's fucking steam, dude, I'm not gonna
walk you through all of them.
All right, so...
I watch the movies.
Delta has the worst-- Well, whoever,
no names, but they have the worst movies.
[laughter]
I'm looking through this,
it's crummy movie, crummy movie.
It's like, "How about our new arrivals."
Thank you.
Hey, Delta, I don't think we can count
FernGully as a new arrival.
27 Dresses?
Don't make me Google it. Yeah. 2004.
[laughter]
So I settled on The Beekeeper and,
um, The Beekeeper's fine.
I know what I'm getting,
Jason Statham at his medium-est.
Uh, because he's the same in everything,
but he's good,
but it's always the same,
you know, he's got a scowl,
lot on his mind, few words.
But the problem with
The Beekeeper is that it's--
Just writing-wise, 'cause I'm a writer...
[clears throat]
...so I look at movies
through a different lens.
Different prism, if you will.
And it's a little itchy
because he's a beekeeper,
buzz buzz, you know,
the whole thing with the hat on.
And the reason he's doing this
because he escaped the FBI
where he was an assassin
nicknamed "the beekeeper."
Folks, can he be any other profess--
I mean...
don't make it so easy to track him.
We're trying to make sure we get him
in the first act. They're like,
"Hey, that guy's a beekee--"
You know, it can't be that easy.
Go work at Foot Locker,
you know what I mean...?
So, they do catch him, shockingly,
within like four minutes,
and then quickly kill
everyone he knows. Then...
he gets mad, takes the thing off,
and he goes...
[British accent]
"I'm the Beekeeper."
[laughter]
"I keep the bees,
and if I find you, you might get stung."
And I'm like, "That's a bee. Okay.
This is the problem.
You're a bee or you're a beekeeper.
I didn't like that."
And then he goes,
"And if I sting you, you die."
"That's a bee again.
And the bee dies.
The guy doesn't die, the bee dies."
I was like, "I gotta get out there.
It's too much, it's already off."
Anyway, let's hit the headlines.
What's going on with this Johnny Depp
trial? Some of these are old.
[laughter]
I think he's gonna do it.
I think he's gonna win it.
That Amber Heard's pretty.
That's her problem, too pretty.
You know what they say,
"Crazy in the head, poops in the bed."
Huh, who's with me? This guy?
- [laughter]
- You've said it.
That should be her merch.
What is she waiting for?
[laughter]
[chuckling] That submarine, though,
that went to the Titanic.
No! Listen!
[laughter]
I miss that crazy little sub.
I got attached, guys.
Two weeks.
No, but the reason I'm bringing it up
is because they're doing it again.
Some other dipshit billionaire is like,
"Let's go to the Titanic
in a microscopic dangerous sub."
It didn't work! What does he need to know?
I've got some data.
You don't go in an eight--
This is the problem with billionaires.
They want to go to the bottom
of the ocean or Mars.
You know what, I'm rich, I find things
to do on the surface of the planet.
I run around, I go to Cheesecake Factory.
I find shit to do here.
[laughter]
Fuck. These guys...
Who wants to go to the magma level
of the earth? What a drag.
And you're in that eight-foot sub
where they jam eight billionaires down.
You have to sit cross-legged like
you're on Southwest. No, thanks.
[laughter]
I wouldn't do a TikTok in that thing.
Lock it from the outside?
Even if you do happen to bring a Crescent
wrench, you're like, "Oh, wait it's..."
Boop.
[makes static sound] Boop.
You're going down,
and then on Instagram they go,
"Do you know how deep it is?"
I go, "It's pretty far."
"No, no, here, we'll show you.
Here's a chart.
Here's the ocean.
Here's how big you are in the ocean.
It's farther than that.
Here's the Statue of Liberty. Farther.
- Here's 10 Godzillas. Farther.
- [laughter]
Here's where sharks get a headache."
"All right, I got it. I got it."
A picture of a shark like this...
They got a one-foot window
with moss on it. What's the allure?
By the way, imploding. Not the way to go.
I mean, it might be 'cause it's quick,
but sad.
I don't want my last five seconds
on life to be like...
[laughter]
"Do you guys hear a pop--"
Pfft. You know. Fuck it.
[laughter]
[chuckling]
I don't like that joke. I don't like it.
[chuckling]
Oh, and Mars. Fuck, Mars is no good.
I got bad news for these billionaires.
Mars is a bigger shithole than the moon.
There's nothing going on.
It's just farther.
Do you want to go farther?
I would only go 'cause I like aliens.
I got hooked on E.T. as a kid.
You're too young,
but the E.T. movie was fun.
A little scrubby alien.
By the way, when I was 8, I wasn't
even that enchanted by E.T.,
I don't know why.
First of all, 'cause he looked like
a piece of dried-out beef jerky.
I'm supposed to fall in love
with this thing?
Even Spielberg in those early meetings
should have been like...
"This burnt fucking road kill,
this is our guy?"
I was thinking of, like, a Tickle Me Elmo.
This guy's literally made of crow's feet,
his whole body. It's impossible."
And he's like... [makes croaking sound]
He's so dry.
And I get when you fly,
it dries you out. I get it.
I fly to Arizona, it's one hour,
I'm dry, I get it.
This kid's like... [makes grunting sound]
I mean...
Steps out of that spaceship,
let's roll him round in some Nivea.
That's the first order of business.
Spackle some coconut oil
in those cracks, dude.
Just so I can have a conversation.
And he's like...
[in croaky voice] "Well..."
It wasn't that enchanting to me.
And then Gertie. Kind of an idiot,
but she's 5, you know.
What does she know?
She's like, "Oh, my God, E.T., let's go in
and I'll make you some potatoes."
You don't touch the monster from space.
Covered in space COVID with omnicrons.
[laughter]
You know what you do, Gertie?
If you're helping us out,
you take a rake and you poke him
a little bit, you know?
You get the reaction time.
What's going on with this guy?
What's his temperament?
Knock him down, don't pick him up.
You hook his feet, and you drag him in
the barn. Not the living room, the barn.
Now we run some tests.
Anyway... I got distracted.
What happened was--
You were talking about the ocean.
So, in the ocean...
Somebody was. And in the ocean...
I like the ocean, but I was scared of it
as of late 'cause when I was a kid,
I loved it.
But they had riptides, I was like,
"I don't wanna go in."
So now when I go in, even when I snorkel,
I get a little water in the thing,
and I go, "Pull me up, pull me up!"
And they go, "All right, well,
you're standing up, okay. You're okay.
You're in three feet of water, you're just
going to lift your head like that,
and then..."
Water's gone.
And I'm like, "Ah! It was touch-and-go
there for a while.
It was real touch-and-go."
[old salt voice]
The sea, she was angry!
[normal voice] "No, yeah, well,
you're also in the pool, but I understand.
It is scary."
E.T.-- Oh, Brokeback Mountain.
You know they're making, um...
You know--
I'm just thinking movies
'cause I've got my ear to the tracks
'cause I'm in Hollywood.
There's a rumor they're making
a Brokeback Mountain reboot.
But this one is with all women,
which, honestly, I don't think is
a great idea because the first one,
the whole feel was it was dangerous
'cause it was two dudes.
You know, it was very taboo.
And then they said it might be
Emma Watson and Margot Robbie,
and I was like, "Well..."
[laughter]
...as long as it's artsy,
you know what I mean, like...
Who am I to get in the way of cinema?
Just keep it real, let's pepper in
some scissoring,
let's have some fun, let's do it right,
you know what I mean?"
[makes mechanical sounds]
[mechanical sounds continue]
Beep, beep, beep.
[makes whirring sounds]
[makes friction sounds]
I don't know how it works.
That's how I picture.
- I don't know if there's that many noises.
- [laughter]
[chuckles] Little WD-40 in there.
[makes squirting sound]
[chuckles] Ey-oh.
Boy. Watching late-night TV. Stupid.
Three in the morning,
I'm watching Lifetime or something.
There's a show there, you know,
about the overweight actress
that moves to Hollywood,
My 130-lb Life.
[laughter]
There's one about a doggy doctor.
Everyone loves dogs.
There's a doggy doctor open all night.
And everyone's so dramatic
when they run in.
It's like, "Oh, my God, my dog's a Leo
acting like a Capricorn."
They're like, "Oh, come on.
Come on, how long's this been happening?
What moon is it?"
I have a dog, does stupid things.
Super adorable, super cute.
Doesn't show enough emotion.
Shows happiness, sad.
Never embarrassed.
Only does embarrassing things,
never embarr--
You know, walks through a glass door,
it's like, "What's going on over here?"
I'm like, "No, no, no. No, no, no."
You don't go, "Oh, ai-ai." You know.
Looking at me like, "Did you see that?"
No, no, no.
I walk in, eating a turd, it's like this.
[smacks lips]
I'm like, "Are you eating a turd?"
It's like...
"Yep. Mm. Mm."
Like it's from Erewhon. I'm like...
The dog fell so hard the other night
that I was like, "I can't believe--"
'Cause I was watching TV. I'm like,
"What could have happened?"
For 30 seconds,
I wished my dog could talk.
Just walk me through it, he'd be like
"Oh, my God, I get to talk, here we go.
Quickly, uh, all right, uh,
you were in watching TV, right?
I was in the way, way back of the house.
I thought you called my name,
I'm not too sure, I have a bit
of the zoomies, to be honest.
So, I start going full blast.
I'm like, 'Yeah, I'm running.'
I got all four paws, yes!
And I'm like, 'I'm fast as fuck.'
Boy, I'm like, I'm into it, right,
ears are back.
And I'm like, 'Yes, yes,'
and I'm coming down, I see the piano,
I go, 'Oh, no, I have to turn.'
Now, I did not plan this at all.
I did not plan it, right?
So, I start going, 'I better stop.'
Now, here I come. I'm putting
the brakes on, it's not working at all.
'Cause you know, I'm like this. I'm on
the hardwood floor, so it's slippery.
My nails are too long-- your fault.
So... I start going.
Now 'cause I'm built like a kettlebell,
my butt's huge, I start spinning.
Now I'm spinning.
Now I'm going fast and I'm spinning.
I'm like hydroplaning,
if that's a word.
So now I'm going backwards,
I'm like,
'Hey, fuck it, Jesus take the wheel,
I don't know what's happening.'"
[laughter]
"I spun-- I took that piano leg out
like a bowling pin.
Piano fell on me, chandelier fell somehow.
Glasses, pictures, it was a shit show.
Oh, my God, and I popped up,
I'm like, 'Hey, what's on TV in here,
what's going on?
What is that, CHiPs?'"
[cheers and applause]
Yes.
Why'd I tell you that story?
I don't know why. Um...
I'll tell you another one.
Oh, this is home of the Denver Broncos,
did you know that?
- Yeah!
- [cheers and applause]
Move it.
Now, uh, the last football game
I really got into
was the Taylor Swift Super Bowl.
And if you saw that...
Something interesting about
a super famous person going,
and being so famous
that all I'm doing is watching her
watch the game.
That was kind of a phenomenon.
And, you know, 18 cameras on her,
three on the game.
It was so weird to me.
And poor Taylor's in some box
trying to relax, but she can't,
because we watch a five-hour game,
and we can just sort of drift off.
But she's gotta be like, first down,
second down, third down, fourth down.
You know. God forbid she gets up
to get a chalupa, you know?
She's like, "Hey,
what's going on back here?
This quesadilla's cold,
and these stuffed veggie--
Fumble! Oh, fuck, was that my guy?
Was that my guy?
Was he wearing red, did you see?
What happened?"
And they're like, "Oh, my God,
they broke up." You know, that's...
[laughter]
"She doesn't care anymore."
That's what she deals with.
And then on the reverse, like,
it was typical boyfriend-girlfriend
because after that he wanted to...
[whistles] ... to Vegas
and go to a bachelor party.
And she said, "Oh, I thought maybe
you could buzz down to Australia
and see my show."
And he goes, "Oh, okay."
He doesn't know where Australia is.
- [laughter]
- You know?
[chuckling] And so then, he goes,
"Hey, babe, I just checked
on Travelocity.
That's like 80 hours
if you go through Houston."
[laughter]
She's like, "Yeah."
He's like, "Oh, uh...
so, what, are you doing
some new stuff, or...?"
"No."
"Same five-hour show I've seen 30 times?
Okay, cool, cool, cool, cool, cool,
yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
No, no, no, no, no,
yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah."
No, it's shall I..."
And she's like,
"Grab a jet, just fly down."
He's like, "Right, there's 16 paychecks.
Okay, I'll do that."
And then when he gets there,
it's the reverse.
Now we're watching him watch her.
And he also has to add in the dances,
he's like...
[laughter]
And they're like, "That's right, dude.
And there's 200 more songs."
And he's like, "Holy shit,
this is like the Combine."
When I go to Journey,
I only got to know three.
I'm sore from that. Fuck. I'm breathing.
Just got a little sore. Ah.
Got into a scrape at McDonald's.
Got into a little rumble.
Wrong place for me.
I'm a bit of a dandelion, guys.
I don't know if you can tell.
I look tough on TV,
but it is not the case.
These quads are deceiving.
I roll into McDonald's 'cause
I'm a thousand percent Joe Dirt.
I still go all the time to McDonald's.
But sometimes I drive through.
So, I'm driving through.
This is two weeks ago in Hollywood.
I'm driving through-- Thanks, Bezos.
I'm just-- Fucking shit.
They said, "At the end, can you roll it
up in a circle? If you can!
Can you roll it up real tight?
If you can't, it doesn't matter,
doesn't matter at all.
We have a hundred crew guys.
Doesn't matter. It would help."
So, I go to McDonald's,
and I'm like third in line.
And then I see,
as per Hollywood, a crazy person
comes out of the bushes, no shirt,
drenched in sweat, super weird,
carrying a T-shirt,
and I'm like this, "Hmm."
Walks over to the guy ordering.
Ech! Starts snapping people in the face,
in the windshield, the guy taking orders.
Whap, whap, I'm like this...
"Ah, shit, okay, let's put that
in reverse." Beep, bee--
Everyone, we're all going back, you know?
So, I get back to here, then I go...
"I'm just gonna park." You know,
I don't want to leave. I want to watch.
So... I don't want to get hit,
but I don't want to miss the fun.
So, I say, "Well, this'll be cool."
So, I go in,
I get a six-piece McNug,
I come back,
and I just sit by the window, and I go,
"Oh, here we go."
Before I even open it,
I look up, and he takes a five.
I'm like, "Oh, no, no, no."
So, he starts walking right at me,
I'm like, I can't even think,
I'm like, "Don't come--"
Now, he's looked down, I'm like invisible.
Because I couldn't move, and I'm like,
"Do not know me."
And so, door opens, I see feet.
And then-- And then he goes,
"Little help?"
And I go, "Yep." I go, "There's 10."
Doesn't leave, of course.
And then he goes,
"Give me your McNuggets."
[laughter]
And I go, "No."
Denver, I'm such a colossal pussy,
you don't understand.
What am I doing?
You know what,
I sometimes just get sick of it,
but is this where I want to die,
is this where I die, on this hill?
I go, "I'll give you one."
Because you know,
I did puss out a little bit.
You know, 'cause you know what, he had
a cinder block, did I tell you that?
Cinder block.
And he doesn't even mention it.
He's like this. I go...
He should say,
"Hey, this is my lucky cinder block."
Like something, like "Don't be afraid."
But he's like this...
And I'm like, "I do not react well
to getting hit by a cinder block.
I have brittle bones,
no matter where you hit me
it's gonna be a problem,
I'm telling you."
Even the dust on it I wouldn't like,
make me itchy.
So I go, this--
All this means I'm giving him one.
I summarize the situation.
And I go, "I'll give you one."
And then he doesn't really say anything,
so I go... and I sound rude,
I wish I had some fucking tongs.
I was like, eh...
'Cause he took his super-drenched,
wet, sweaty hand, he went...
[makes squelching sound]
It was like the ShamWow,
like, [makes squelching sound]
and I was like...
[laughter]
"There you go, buddy."
And then, he doesn't even care,
he, like, puts it in his pocket,
and then...
Then he goes, "Give me another one."
I'm like...
But he doesn't know
that I only eat four out of six.
So, I haven't lost yet,
guy's a push, right?
But I do hem and haw a bit,
I go, "Uh..." I grouse.
Then I give the second one.
Of course, it's not over,
he goes, "Give me the rest."
Now, it's decision time, do we fight...?
And I go--
And before I totally puff up, I go...
Oh, I have a brainstorm, I go,
"Hey, I gave to you 10,
why don't you go buy some?"
And he goes...
Something was creaking
and making sense in his head, he goes...
And then I dart my eyes to the two guys
working there and they go,
"Fuck, no, don't do it..."
And I go,
"They're waiting for you, now scoot!"
He turned a quarter inch,
and I went ecchh
and dove in my car and started crying.
But you know what?
Stood up to a bully, Denver.
Yeah, I stood up to a bully, applaud that.
[chuckles]
Terrifying.
Almost shit my-- Oh, speaking of,
I got a colonoscopy.
Down, ladies.
Quick story, 22 minutes, I got a, uh...
Call the sitters. I got a colonoscopy,
which you have to now and then, and...
[single clap]
[laughter]
[chuckles] So I, um...
Firstly, to start it you have to take
a bunch of stuff to cleanse the system.
Clean out--
You know what I'm talking about?
You know what I mean, when you
cleanse the system? Let's look at a clip.
[laughter]
Did we bring the clip?
We don't have the screen?
So, you know what it is.
Then they lay me on the slab, the gurney.
Then the doctor takes a breathing tube
this big down my tiny throat.
It hurt so much after, I go,
"Hey, you didn't happen to jam
your wang down there, did you?"
[laughter]
And he goes, "You can't prove that."
I go...
[laughter]
So they put me on the gurney
and then they go, "Here's the Propofol."
Knock me out.
I didn't wake up fast enough.
Everyone says they love that part.
I didn't. I was like...
[makes gurgling sound]
So, he's trying to explain the procedure.
I don't listen, so he leaves a file on me.
So, I wake up, I'm like, "Oh."
It's like, four pages of scribbling,
and then five huge photographs.
[laughter]
I'm sorry, who are these for?
You have five mongo pictures
of my butthole.
What am I-- I'll take a few wallet-size.
What do I need these for, the fridge?
Am I handing these out at parties?
I go, "Hey."
The guy goes, "I wanted to show my work."
I go, "I trust you.
I don't know what you did, I don't care."
I don't care if you did it.
And-- 'Cause, you know,
they get in there, and so...
they rough you up.
'Cause I was so out of it,
I go, "I think I fell off the table."
I was so sore, and I go to the guy,
"Hey, did I fall off the table?"
And he goes, "Did you what? No."
And I go, "Well, my leg has a bruise
right here, and my clavicle's broken."
He goes, "I think it was like that."
And I go...
"No, it wasn't like that when I came in."
[laughter]
"And my ankle's twisted.
How many times did I fall, roughly?"
Because they rough you up. Like,
I saw a thing on liposuction on YouTube,
and they just...
I picture, lift your skin, skinny
little vacuum, and they go...
[makes soft sucking sound]
"Here we go."
No, no, it's rip the skin up,
boombox, crank it.
"Hey, it's Margie's birthday,
we're all going to Bennigan's after."
[makes whirring sound]
The guy's like this...
I'm like, "Holy shit, goddamn!
Somebody do something."
No wonder everyone's covered in bruises.
So, I wake up and I leave.
After they did a whole number, you know.
And the next day my buddy goes,
"Uh, you walking funny?"
I go, "No, why?"
He goes, "Does your b-hole hurt a lot?"
I go, "No, why?"
And he goes, "Didn't you just get
a colonoscopy yesterday?"
I go, "Oh, my God, I don't feel anything."
He goes, "Weird." I go, "I don't like it."
Because I got scared.
What if I got abducted by aliens?
This probably won't happen,
but what if I got abducted by aliens?
They could run a train on me,
I wouldn't even know anything.
I wouldn't know.
I come back to earth, I'm a hero,
everyone's talking, "What happened?"
I go, "I went in this room,
and we were just talking about some stuff,
and um, about, like,
my knowledge of Earth."
And they're like, "Dude, we found
a thousand alien babies in your butt."
I'm like, "What? Wait, what? Mine?
Oh, my God, there must have been
some shenanigans going on up there.
Ai-ai-ai!"
Um, anyway,
so here's why I'm a great guy.
I gave to charity about four years ago.
Thank you.
And-- No, I did go to a charity for Haiti.
Now, in Hollywood,
they have these big shenanigans
where, like, Haiti had an earthquake.
Sean Penn... [inhales]
...goes over there, gets on a canoe,
floats around, and...
surmises the sitch.
You know he does that.
He comes back, and he goes, "All right,
we're gonna raise some money
and do something right." Great.
So, he gets about 300 showbiz types,
we're in a room.
And we all spend money.
The idea is to auction off stuff. Great.
And the things they auction off
are very expensive.
Win a hot air balloon ride
with Justin Bieber, you know.
Take a rocket to Mars with Elon Musk
and three friends.
So... But it's all expensive,
so selfishly I'm like, "I'll go.
I'll have a few knocks and maybe bid,
maybe not. I just want to go, really."
So, I go there, I sit at a table
with like, Charlize, all these stars.
Now I'm a little-- a little wasted,
you know what I mean?
I've had a couple, and I don't realize it.
Because I'm nervous.
And then Charlize is there,
I look through the pamphlet,
I go, "Ooh, I might bid on some stuff.
Ooh, Paul McCartney tickets
and a meet-and-greet."
And I'm like, "That sounds good."
But it said it might go up to 10 grand.
I was like, "I don't know.
I don't love that."
So, I go, maybe I'll bid for a little bit
and then... [whistles] jump out.
So I go, "All right." So, I get
my ping-pong paddle, and I go,
"Hey, Charlize, you better buckle up,
it might get a little
ching-ching-chingy in here."
And she goes, "Are you talking?"
I go, "Nope.
- Nothing, I don't know what's going on."
- [laughter]
"What am I doing?" I'm talking like this,
"Don't be drunk." I'm drunk.
You know, you try not to be drunk,
I went... [makes swishing sound]
And then I got
my ping-pong paddle like this...
And Sean's like, "Coming up next..."
I'm already in over my head,
I don't know what I'm doing,
and he goes, "Paul McCartney tickets,
two tickets and backstage."
And I go like this...
And he goes, "Start the bidding
at 50 grand, David Spade," and I go...
"What'd he say? What'd he say?
No, he did, did he say five?
No, he didn't. Five-0?
What do you mean? No, no.
Hey, Sean."
This is a hundred percent true story.
"Sean, I think you said 50,
but ideally what happens in these--
You do increments, like, you say one,
and then I say two.
And then you say three,
and there's an increment,
and I don't know if I say four,
I don't know.
But I think you, like, jumped high.'"
It's dead silent, I'm like this, I go...
And Charlize is, like, "Are you broke?"
I go, "No, no, no, no, I'm not--
I'm just saying.
It's funny, like, 50,000's like a penny
to me, I'm just saying
it's a funny scenario
of humongous it is, the money.
It's just funny."
Now I'm like this. [exhales]
But now I'm like,
"What am I doing, I'm already
in over my head." I start sweating.
[sniffs] But here I am, and Sean--
It was like a dream.
He goes, "60 over here, 70, Spade, 80."
I go, "80, me?"
"Spade again."
"Oh, uh, 80,000 for still two tickets?
Holy-- Talk about Ticketmaster.
I mean, Jesus Christ,
we got some fucking fees in there."
[laughter]
"But no, really $80,000,
that's what we're seriously saying?
We're saying 80, 80 for--"
Silent again. I see DiCaprio craning
his head going,
"Who invited this?" I'm like,
"I'm doing it. 80,000, it's the cause."
So now, I can't even hide anymore,
I'm like this. [exhales]
And within one second,
he goes, "Ninety! Spade a hundred."
I go, "It can't be a fucking hundred!
It was one second ago.
It cannot be a hundred grand.
Guys, I shouldn't be here."
I started to crack.
"Guys, I don't know what I'm doing here,
I came for fun.
Honestly, I shouldn't be here.
I swear to God, gun to my head,
I couldn't find Haiti on a map.
I don't know what's going on.
Is it still by Hawaii? I don't know.
But honestly, was it a bad earthquake?
I mean, was it a rumbler?
It's not a hundred grand.
I've been in them, they're scary.
It's not a hundred grand, I'm telling you.
Guys, wha-- Let's think about this.
I mean, it's a hundred grand, and give me
my phone, I have to text someone
and find out if we're doing Grown Ups 3.
Just give me one second.
I need some money."
[panting]
- Oh, my God.
- [cheers and applause]
So in over my head. So drunk.
Shitting, freaking out.
And then they're all looking, and I go,
"I'm doing it, I'm doing a hundred,
I'm just saying it's a really good cause
and lets, let's do this."
And I'm just like, "Goddamn,"
and then he goes, "Anybody, 125?"
And I go to my table, "You guys, do not
connect eyes with Sean Penn,
he's a bad person.
Just let him--
Let Jeff Bezos sweep this one
and get the fuck out of here
because he should do it and be a hero,
and then I'll get out of here, all right?
So don't look at him.
Everyone look down and be real quiet,
and this will all go away."
And then he pulls the biggest rat-fuck
of all, he goes,
"Spade, 125." I go...
[laughter]
"'What are you doing? I don't understand.
Why would he say that?
I-- I'm the hundred guy.
I said a hundred, remember?
I think I won. I don't know, I won?
Do I win 'cause I said the highest
or am I..."
And then he goes... [inhales]
"Spade, Spade." I go, "No, no, no.
No, no, no."
Oh, my God, it was like a bomb went off.
Look at DiCaprio in slow motion.
"Spade. Spade."
The whole goddamn place,
"Spade, Spade."
I go, "125, guys.
I fixed Haiti, it's fixed. I did it."
Thank you! Spadey saves Haiti.
[cheers and applause]
I walk out of there like a bum. Ahh...
People are talking,
I can't even hear them, like...
[laughter]
The sickest part is it took a week
to tell my accountant anything.
I go, "Hey, good news,
I got a big write-off."
[laughter]
I sound like Kramer, I go...
He goes, uh, "What happened,
what do you mean?"
I go, "I bought stuff at an auction.
And then I buy stuff, I get these tickets,
and I pay a little more
and then, um,
and then I write it off, it's free."
He's like, "Well, the way that works
is you can write off
the face value of the tickets,
which is $300,
so how much more of that did you spend?"
[laughter]
It was more.
You'll find out. [giggles]
Anyway, um...
Christmas is coming up
or it just happened depending on
when this airs, and, um...
[laughter]
I don't get Christmas cards
anymore, sadly.
I get a lot of, um, lazy emails.
You know what I mean?
Christmas card email, and I only got one.
It was Happy Holidays from your family
at Toyota of North Hollywood.
[laughter]
Where you got an oil change six years ago.
And we still have your email.
My family never knows
what to get me for Christmas
'cause I'm like the spoiled
Meghan Markle of the family.
They all sort of glare at me
and grouse, but...
Just 'cause I've got a few beans
in my jeans, they all like,
"I don't have to get you anything."
I don't need anything, I'm fine.
I got my flannel shirt for Denver.
[laughter]
I'm, like, "Hey, Denver."
Look at me, blending in.
So, my brother, who's older,
is a tough guy.
Works construction.
He always gets me something,
and I have to appreciate it,
but it's always just something random.
So, he goes-- He comes over
and he goes, "Hey, man, I got you this."
And I go, "Oh."
It's a knife, it's a buck knife,
like 11-inch Bowie knife
that's used, it's not wrapped.
Guys never give anything wrapped.
Just like, ehh. Then he goes...
And it's got dried blood on it, so I go,
"Oh, my God, thank you," first of all.
And then I go, "A knife, huh?"
Then he goes, "I know you like knifes."
I go, "I do?"
He goes, "Well, at dinner, you're always
like, 'Can I have a knife?'" I go...
That's fair, yeah, okay. I'll take it.
I go, "That's great, uh..."
I go, "Is it dried blood?"
And he goes, "That's a funny story."
I go, "Yeah, continue."
He goes, "Well, at my apartments
there was a big gang fight, you know.
And the cops were there,
and it was crazy.
So, I went out there to rattle off
a few TikToks.
And so, they're all looking for something,
I looked down by my foot,
and there's this knife.
So, I step on it,
I kind of scrape it to the curb
'cause you know what I'm thinking."
I go, "Christmas?"
[laughter]
[sighs] Right.
He goes, "Anyway,
I don't have the thing it came in."
I go, "Oh, the body? That's fine."
- [laughter]
- "I don't need it.
Oh, the Ziploc evidence bag?
I don't need it."
And then I'm at the airport
talking to the guys at TSA and laughing,
and two cops literally pull me back,
and they go, "Is this your bag?"
I go, "Why?" And they go... Sching!
I go, "Oh, my God."
They go, "Is this yours?" I go,
"Yes and no. It's actually--
It's a funny story, um...
It's not that funny, I don't know,
I don't know what to say.
Yeah, I don't know..."
They go, "You can't take this
on the plane." I go, "Yeah, no shit."
I go, "Just throw it away."
And they go, they're willing to look
the other way,
and I go, "Yeah."
I go, "By the way, thank you
for putting your fingerprints on it too.
Thank you."
[laughter]
Now this case will be thrown out.
It's getting hard to watch porn
on an airplane. [clears throat]
It's not impossible.
I watch porn on a laptop.
I want the whole THX Dolby.
So, when I'm watching it,
I don't-- first of all,
I watch it in the aisle,
and I get looky-loos behind me,
I don't like that.
[audience laughing]
"More brightness!"
Get out of here, come on.
But porn has sort of jumped ahead.
I got out of it for a while, I got out.
For a while. I'm back in.
But... [laughing]
...it was, like, you know,
sort of just basic when I had the VHS.
They were just naked,
I was happy, you know.
Now there's 500 categories.
I don't get it.
I looked-- These categories, guys.
First one, mother-daughter porn.
I'm like...
This got okayed by everyone?
Just everyone in the meeting was, like...
Oh... I like it.
[laughter]
By the way, just so you know,
it's not a real mother-daughter.
I mean, you know,
in a perfect world, but...
[laughter]
Too bad.
Honestly, it's-- What they do is they take
the, uh, young 19-year-old ingenue
and they team her up
with a grizzled vet. [laughing]
And the grizzled vet
doesn't like the other one,
and you can tell, it's very clear.
After two minutes, she's like,
"Beat it, junior, I got this."
[laughter]
"Let me show you how it's done."
[makes suggestive sounds]
"Not bad for 76, huh?"
Everyone goes, "Seventy-six, wha--?"
The porn guy's like, "Hey, can we--?
Can we get a union guy--?
Who's 76? What's a--
What's a cougar again, what's going on?"
[roars softly] There's also
stepbrother-stepsister.
That one, fine. You know, fine.
I watch it.
About 10 minutes before any action.
Ten minutes of yapping.
Why on God's green earth
are you talking so much?
Why are you ad-libbing? Why, just...
And she's like the whole time, like,
"I'm so naked and hot,
but you're my stepbrother."
He's like, "I know, stepsister.
I'm so horny for you, we should have sex,
but I'm your stepbrother."
I'm like, "I know, go!
I know, that's why I'm here. Wha--
I clicked it, I'm all caught up."
[laughter]
"Go, go, go, wh-- What's happening?"
She keeps yapping,
"My uncle's your dad." I'm like...
"Is he? What, what? I don't...
I'm doing math, just get it on."
Be a real sis-- I don't care.
You think I'm closing my laptop.
No. I'm in this one.
Oh, there's squirters, I don't know.
Guys, squirting, stay innocent.
I didn't know what it was. I'm innocent.
Because when I grew up,
there were no squirters.
[laughter]
Now there's too many. What happened?
You pick it up along the way?
Is it a YouTube tutorial, like...
My friend-- I didn't know, he goes,
"Check this one out."
I go, "What is it?" He goes, "You'll see."
I go, "Why is that guy's hair all wet?"
He goes, "Just keep watching."
[laughter]
And then I'm like,
"Wait, what's squirt--?" He's--
Not to be graphic, the guy's head
is down in her nether regions, right?
And she is squirting, and it's crazy
'cause he's in there like,
getting nailed, it's like...
[barking sounds]
...it's like a dog biting at sprinklers,
like... [makes barking sounds]
I'm like, "God dang it."
Running through frame.
[makes chomping sounds]
[laughter]
I'm like, "Is this good or bad?
I don't know what's going on."
I'm not-- This is new,
and I don't love it.
God forbid some girl squirts with me,
I wouldn't know what to do.
I'm the unsexiest.
I come in, like,
'What's going on in here?"
You know, like, ready to get it on,
and then, deesh.
"Oh, my God is that--
Is that window open? Did you see that?"
"Oh!
Did someone step on your stomach?
That came from your way."
[laughter]
"Ha! Wait, are you doing that on purpose?
No! Don't aim it at me, don't!
Listen, don't do-- Oh! Got me, ah...
Come on, oh, this cashmere.
Oh, my God."
[laughter]
"This isn't coming out."
Then I have to humiliatingly
go to the dry cleaner.
"Can you get this out?"
"What is it?"
"Nobody knows."
[laughter]
Yeah. Figure it out, we'll go on TikTok.
And show the world.
Yeah!
[cheers and applause]
Oh, boy.
By the way, when I was a kid, I was, uh...
I don't want to say cute
'cause it's not strong enough of a word.
It was more adorable.
Um, I almost got kidnapped.
This is-- I'll make it funny. It was--
I'm so...
It came out weird.
I almost got plucked from a mall...
Well, first of all, I was 8 years old,
blonde hair,
looked like exactly Macaulay Culkin,
early Home Alone one.
Like, I was nailing it.
And I was kind of tan, I was, like,
shorts, I mean,
it was almost entrapment. Honestly.
Who's turning this-- If you're a child
molester, I'm your dude, right, so...
Anyway, I go--
My mom takes me to the mall.
And it wasn't the helicopter mom days.
I think you remember.
She's like, "See you in eight hours."
You know, so...
[laughter]
No one blinked, there's no mothers
going, "Oh!"
They're like, "Yeah, my kid too." So...
Here's a quarter in case everything
goes sideways on you.
So, I don't know, about five hours later,
she comes back to the mall,
and she's in a card store.
I'm buzzing around.
I go in this card store randomly,
and this old guy, like, 50--
which is not old now.
Back-- Back then.
In this scenario, I was 8.
Now it's, like 25.
So, he's this creepy 50-year-old,
and he goes, "Hey, kid,
do you want to go in my van
and get a snow cone with me?"
And I'm like...
"Yes." Like, obviously.
Obviously yes, it was like,
"Did I win the lottery?"
There was no weird feelings,
no gut feeling,
no tingles, no nothing. I was just, like,
all aboard, you know?
But then I go like this,
"Could it be ice cream?" And he waits.
And I go, "Either one.
Ice cream, ice cream sandwich.
I don't care, whatever."
I'm like, "Am I blowing
this deal alre-- What am I doing?"
And he was either smart or stupid
because he paused. I go, "Could it be
ice cream?" And he goes, "Uh...
Yeah, okay."
Dude, just say yes. What are--
We're not getting ice cream,
we're not getting any,
I'll be chained to a radiator in an hour.
Just-- Why would you stall?
You blew it because in that moment,
my mom sees me and goes, "Hey!"
And I go, "Hey, there's my mom.
I gonna grab my coat,
and I'll be right back."
And I run up, and he goes, "No, no, no!"
My mom, I go, "Hey, I'm gonna grab
an ice cream with this dude,
and I'll be back." And she's like,
"No, no, no, you're not."
And I go, "Hey, dude,
Mom says no go." [chuckles]
And he goes, "What the fu--
We had a deal!"
And I'm like, "Nah, no good."
Meanwhile, I shrug it off,
he's like, "Nahh!"
His own-- It's his own fault.
Oh, he's kicking himself.
Oh, I did a movie once where, uh, I had
to use squibs. You know what those are?
Lingo. Like, I had to get shot
in this kind of serious movie.
So, I'm in my trailer eating a burrito.
I don't care about it, you know,
'cause I'm gonna have to strip down.
But I thought it was the next day.
So, deesh, deesh, this guy,
older special effects guy,
long gray hair like this in a ponytail.
He's like, "Hey, man, we've got that
squib shot today. Can I squib you up?"
I'm like, "Oh, is that right now?
Is that right now after lunch? Oh."
He goes, "They're ready for you."
I go, "Oh."
So, he takes these you know, like,
pellets that are filled with fake blood,
and then they have to put them on
like an EKG, and then they have a wire.
And then he goes... keesh...
and he pops them off like a little thing.
And it stings, you know.
So I go, "All right."
So, then I have to strip
down to my boxers,
and then he's like, "All right,
I'm gonna stick these on you. Okay.
Where are your pecs?" I'm like...
[laughter]
"Just guesstimate where they are."
"Okay. Pop one on the old jellyroll
over here.
I'm gonna put one
on the old muffin top. All right.
I think that's enough,
we got 'em all on."
And then he goes-- Okay, now, you have to
put your shirt on really delicately.
And then your pants go over the wires
so they're sticking out the bottom,
and then you tuck them in,
and then everything's like connected.
So, he goes,
"Walk very slowly to the set."
You know, it's about a hundred feet.
So, I start walking, and he-- It's out
of my pant leg into the little plunger.
And so, he has to walk three feet
behind me, he goes, "Go slow,"
and I go, "All right."
Literally I pick up my script, I forget
he's there after three seconds
I go... [imitates flatulence]
Three farts in a row.
[laughter]
And I hear behind me...
"Hey, come on, man."
I go, "Oh, my God. Oh, my God,
I forgot you were there.
I forgot you were there in one second."
I was like, "Oh, no, oh, no."
And... and I start sort of
squeaking out farts 'cause I'm laughing.
And then I thought,
"Oh, my God, I have to kill this guy
because I can't have him
out there knowing this."
Because the worst part was,
he wanted to hit me with a brick,
but because he's a crew and he's
professional, and I'm in the movie,
the worst thing he can say is,
"Hey, come on, man."
Not even yelling it.
And I was-- I felt so horrifying
that I did this, I was like...
And you could tell, he's like--
Wants to kill me.
And then we go all the way to the set,
and then, uh...
And then later, I know
he's gonna work on a movie,
and he's gonna have his grandkids
around, they're going to go,
"I heard you were
with Leonardo DiCaprio--"
He goes, "David Spade almost shit on me.
That's the story you're gonna hear."
Staying in a nice hotel.
Not this one here, this one's shitty,
but two days ago,
No, um... Also, I got a massage.
And the thing is, I don't--
I don't like to get a massage from dudes,
and it's nothing bad, it's just
I don't want to ask for a female,
I want a female,
not 'cause I'm a super-creep,
it's just better because
I want to be, like, the strong one.
And then-- Which isn't even
always the case, but...
Guys understand,
if you're a guy, you know,
you don't want another guy
rubbing you, right?
It's kind of weird. So, I don't ask
for a female, and this is my problem.
So, I'm there, and I call down,
and they make it so easy.
"Hi." I go, "I'd like a massage."
They go, "Oh, great.
Um, okay, well, you want male or female?"
I go, "I don't care."
[scattered laughter]
I care so much.
[laughter]
I just want them to decide for me.
Do the right way, go the right way.
And she goes, "Oh, we don't care either,
so it could be literally,
we've got a female right here,
we have a male, whatever you want."
I go, "You pick."
[laughter]
All right, we'll send Rick.
[laughter]
Now I don't even want a massage.
Now I'm standing there meekly
in my little dainty robe.
And this dude walks in,
"Hey, man, what's going on?"
I'm like, "Hey, man. Blow it up."
And he's huge, got mongo hands.
Big, long finger, for some reason.
So-- So I go, "Just regular massage, man.
Just reg." I don't throw
any code words in.
You know what I mean? Swedish.
No, don't say that.
You don't know what it means.
So you go, "Just regular."
He goes, "All right, man, cool, cool,
cool, cool, cool."
And I go, "Yeah,
and maybe just 20 minutes.
We don't need to do the whole hour,
just kind of..."
And he goes, "Cool.
Let's get you face down."
I go, "No, hey, whoa, whoa, whoa.
No, no, no.
Relax, don't talk like that,
like don't say--"
What am I like this? I'm not doing that.
I'm not doing that.
Face down. I know what I mean
when I say that. Don't say that.
I will go to the table toughly,
and then I will get in the prone position.
And he's like, "Yeah, whatever,
that's what I said. Okay."
Get up and I get down, then I got
the little circle faceplate like this.
So, I get in there, but don't go to sleep.
Eyes open. Eyes open.
What's going on, you know? Pay attention.
So, not relaxing at all.
So, he goes like this...
"Let's start with those calves."
I go, "Don't talk, just go."
[laughter]
[makes grinding noises]
Something like this.
Then I'm like, "All right, move it along.
Move it along, guy."
Like, how much time
do I need on my calves?
I don't even know if I have any muscles
in my calves, you know what I mean?
I'm not Flo-Jo going to do
the hurdles tomorrow, I'm just like...
So, he goes,
"Let's get those hamstrings."
Don't whisper. Don't whisper.
Just do it. So, he goes... [grunts]
Big hands. [grunts] Noise.
[grunts] And I'm like this.
[grunts] Like, moving me
all over the table like a rag doll.
And then he bumps me ball bag three times.
Boof-boo-boo. I'm like...
My balls, he hits them,
do you get what's going on?
Ram! He goes-- He's going too high.
"You're too high, back off.
You're going higher, you're going higher."
Ball bag, ball bag. I'm like this...
And then... wha...
"By the way,
it's not my leg anymore.
I don't know what you're thinking.
It's not my leg anymore, you know that.
You know bodies. Back off."
"What is it?"
"I don't know, it's not my leg."
"So, what are you still doing up there,
you know what I mean?"
And in fairness, I'm thinking,
"Well, when I lay down,
I don't really know where my balls are,
you know, or my dick.
I know they're in the room
with me somewhere,
I just don't know where exactly
'cause I'm kind of rolling around.
They could be over here, you know?"
But no, I know they're over here
because he's bashing them,
ramming them with his hammer hand,
and covering them
with fingerprints and bruises
because he's bashing the shit
out of them for 35 minutes.
And then I go, "Back up!"
It's like a Roomba.
"Back up, you hit something, back up."
Nope. Ram, ram, ram. Smash, smash.
And I finally, after a hundred,
I go, ah, ah!
Too much, too much. Tingles, tingles.
Feels weird, it's weird,
it's a weird feeling.
And I jump off and he goes,
"Oh, wait, sir, are you gay?"
I go... "Am I?"
[laughter]
It was the awkwardest stalemate,
we're like...
We both don't know which guy's gay,
you know? We're both like--
Spider-Man, like...
[laughter]
So I just stood there like this...
Awkward, weird.
And then he goes, "I think I'm gonna
take off." I go, "Okay, yeah."
So, he takes off. Now it's just me.
Little Spader, I'm just standing there
awkwardly in the dark...
covered in oil...
fully naked
with a boner.
- [chuckles]
- [laughter]
Hey, maybe it was me!
You guys, thank you
for coming down to see me.
I love it. And bye-bye.
See you next time.
[rock music playing]
8na\{
[cheers and applause]
Nice. Denver, good to see you.
- [cheering]
- Thanks for coming.
Yeah.
Love Denver, haven't been here
for a while.
Quickly, does the altitude
affect your peeing?
Because last night,
I could pee so far off my bed.
[laughter]
More than normal. Local bits.
All right, anyway, um...
I think a lot of you drove here.
I drive a lot in L.A.
It kind of sucks.
Obviously, I have a little bit
of road rage, but...
I will tell you one thing.
If I'm driving and I let you,
I give you the gift
of merging in front of me,
you better wave.
[cheers and applause]
Yeah.
There will be problems.
I'm like a psycho because I think of it
as, like, a bigger favor than most people,
so if I look over and I'm, like, "Go!"
If I give you that,
I want to see this...
I want to see at least this in the window.
I'll take this.
I'll even take the cigarette--
deesh-deesh-- with an ash.
I'll take scraps.
You can't do nothing.
You can't do nothing.
If you do nothing,
I will follow you
for a minimum 100 miles.
[laughter]
I will go to your house, I'll put
an air tag on your bumper at midnight.
[laughter]
Other than that,
I'm pretty chill, but...
Sorry.
By the way, just quickly,
off the record,
um, in 1998 they invented
the cordless mic.
Now let me just-- Listen.
[laughter]
Now, listen, Paramount Theatre,
let's not jump on trends.
I don't mind dragging
42 feet of fucking cable around
that weighs 16 pounds.
It's throwing out my clavicle,
and we're on joke four, all right?
Jesus Christ, let's not hop on fads.
They have a sweetheart deal
with fucking RadioShack at the mall.
[laughter]
No, actually this is Amazon,
okay, so this is...
This is Jeff Bezos
getting a fifth private jet,
and then he gets my dog shit mic
off a fucking Black Friday deal.
Amazon Prime,
whatever they call it. Yeah.
- Thank you.
- [cheers and applause]
On the only night that matters.
Great.
[laughter]
Stick your hand in there.
Goddamn. I love that Amazon
gets it from Amazon.
That's...
All right, well...
Oh, shit.
Flew out here, um...
The pilot when I get on says,
"Hey, welcome to our 737.
We just got our door back."
Now...
why are you mentioning
the door that flew off
because I don't know
if it's the real plane?
Don't talk about it,
I just forgot about it.
Do you remember when the door
flew off the plane?
You remember how terrifying that was?
Then they showed a video of it.
I go, "Oh, my God, they have a video?"
This must be pandemonium.
No, no, no, if you saw it,
it was dead silence.
People, like this...
[laughter]
Like it was, like, some
M. Night Shamalama-ding-dong movie.
I'm, like, "Guys, the door is off,
it's night time, even scarier,
tornado-like winds," and they're, like...
[laughter]
Wh-- If it was me,
just the noise of my diarrhea hitting
everyone's forehead on the way out.
Deesh-deesh-deesh.
I'd be wailing on that call button.
A-bung-bung-bung-bung-
bung-bung-bung-bung.
[whispering] "Hey, um,
was there a door when I got on?
I don't even check anymore.
It's kind of a given, um..."
And then the people
in the way back, they go
"We didn't know what was going on."
What do you think's going on?
Dude, I'd be popping up
like Meerkat Manor.
[laughter]
What do you think,
it's the blower's broken? Pssst!
"Goddamn, that's strong."
Shunk!
"There goes my chain!"
Shunk! "There's my baby!
Turn this off. Fix it!"
[laughter]
When I get on,
they give me the Pepsi scam too.
No offense, dog-shit Pepsi,
but you know what, when I get on there,
I always go, "I want a Diet Coke."
It happens everywhere.
This is like a weird phenomenon.
I was at a casino gig.
I'm in the restaurant and I go,
"Hey, um, Diet Coke."
They go, "Nah, we only got Pepsi."
I go, "Well, I saw a store walking
in here, maybe I'll just go grab one."
He goes, "No, we're a Pepsi casino."
"Wait, all effing, fucking 40 acres
of this place, that's all, all Pepsi?
I don't know if this is legal."
And he goes, "But you know what?"
He helps me out.
"There's a 7-Eleven a couple clicks
down the freeway."
And I go, "Mm. Are you going?
I'm not going, are you going?
Wh-- A couple of clicks, am I Vietcong?
What am I--? What are you talking about?
Is that an inch? A mile?
How long's a click?"
[laughter]
"You think I'm walking down the freeway
in the middle of the night?"
No, thank you.
So, I'm on the plane,
and then I order a Diet Coke,
and they go-- They don't even bother
telling you they don't have it, they go,
"Mm-kay."
[laughter]
"Let me get that for you.
Let me get your Diet Coke."
And they go back to that little apartment.
[makes sound of curtain closing]
And then they come out,
"Here's your Diet."
Vague "Diet," vague.
And then they go hide behind that little
fucking bulkhead or whatever it's called.
And I'm like this... [sniffs]
I can tell already.
[laughter]
And they go...
[wicked cackle]
"Ah, you caught me!
It's dog shit, sorry."
[laughter]
No.
God forbid you ask for anything.
It's usually just, you know,
some ratty hose water.
I'm, like, "Can I get some water?"
Like, "Yeah."
Then she brings a big, nice fat bottle,
and I go, "Ah."
And she goes, "No, no, no."
[soft laughter]
Here's your little,
filthy little Dixie cup
that you wash your mouth out with
at the dentist.
[laughter]
"Can I take that?'"
"Uh, I'm not done yet."
Crunch. There you go.
Then she comes by later
with a gerbil feeder,
I'm like this... [makes sucking sounds]
[laughter]
And right before we land,
she's got the iron. Dooff, dooff.
I'm, like... [makes sucking sounds]
It's fucking steam, dude, I'm not gonna
walk you through all of them.
All right, so...
I watch the movies.
Delta has the worst-- Well, whoever,
no names, but they have the worst movies.
[laughter]
I'm looking through this,
it's crummy movie, crummy movie.
It's like, "How about our new arrivals."
Thank you.
Hey, Delta, I don't think we can count
FernGully as a new arrival.
27 Dresses?
Don't make me Google it. Yeah. 2004.
[laughter]
So I settled on The Beekeeper and,
um, The Beekeeper's fine.
I know what I'm getting,
Jason Statham at his medium-est.
Uh, because he's the same in everything,
but he's good,
but it's always the same,
you know, he's got a scowl,
lot on his mind, few words.
But the problem with
The Beekeeper is that it's--
Just writing-wise, 'cause I'm a writer...
[clears throat]
...so I look at movies
through a different lens.
Different prism, if you will.
And it's a little itchy
because he's a beekeeper,
buzz buzz, you know,
the whole thing with the hat on.
And the reason he's doing this
because he escaped the FBI
where he was an assassin
nicknamed "the beekeeper."
Folks, can he be any other profess--
I mean...
don't make it so easy to track him.
We're trying to make sure we get him
in the first act. They're like,
"Hey, that guy's a beekee--"
You know, it can't be that easy.
Go work at Foot Locker,
you know what I mean...?
So, they do catch him, shockingly,
within like four minutes,
and then quickly kill
everyone he knows. Then...
he gets mad, takes the thing off,
and he goes...
[British accent]
"I'm the Beekeeper."
[laughter]
"I keep the bees,
and if I find you, you might get stung."
And I'm like, "That's a bee. Okay.
This is the problem.
You're a bee or you're a beekeeper.
I didn't like that."
And then he goes,
"And if I sting you, you die."
"That's a bee again.
And the bee dies.
The guy doesn't die, the bee dies."
I was like, "I gotta get out there.
It's too much, it's already off."
Anyway, let's hit the headlines.
What's going on with this Johnny Depp
trial? Some of these are old.
[laughter]
I think he's gonna do it.
I think he's gonna win it.
That Amber Heard's pretty.
That's her problem, too pretty.
You know what they say,
"Crazy in the head, poops in the bed."
Huh, who's with me? This guy?
- [laughter]
- You've said it.
That should be her merch.
What is she waiting for?
[laughter]
[chuckling] That submarine, though,
that went to the Titanic.
No! Listen!
[laughter]
I miss that crazy little sub.
I got attached, guys.
Two weeks.
No, but the reason I'm bringing it up
is because they're doing it again.
Some other dipshit billionaire is like,
"Let's go to the Titanic
in a microscopic dangerous sub."
It didn't work! What does he need to know?
I've got some data.
You don't go in an eight--
This is the problem with billionaires.
They want to go to the bottom
of the ocean or Mars.
You know what, I'm rich, I find things
to do on the surface of the planet.
I run around, I go to Cheesecake Factory.
I find shit to do here.
[laughter]
Fuck. These guys...
Who wants to go to the magma level
of the earth? What a drag.
And you're in that eight-foot sub
where they jam eight billionaires down.
You have to sit cross-legged like
you're on Southwest. No, thanks.
[laughter]
I wouldn't do a TikTok in that thing.
Lock it from the outside?
Even if you do happen to bring a Crescent
wrench, you're like, "Oh, wait it's..."
Boop.
[makes static sound] Boop.
You're going down,
and then on Instagram they go,
"Do you know how deep it is?"
I go, "It's pretty far."
"No, no, here, we'll show you.
Here's a chart.
Here's the ocean.
Here's how big you are in the ocean.
It's farther than that.
Here's the Statue of Liberty. Farther.
- Here's 10 Godzillas. Farther.
- [laughter]
Here's where sharks get a headache."
"All right, I got it. I got it."
A picture of a shark like this...
They got a one-foot window
with moss on it. What's the allure?
By the way, imploding. Not the way to go.
I mean, it might be 'cause it's quick,
but sad.
I don't want my last five seconds
on life to be like...
[laughter]
"Do you guys hear a pop--"
Pfft. You know. Fuck it.
[laughter]
[chuckling]
I don't like that joke. I don't like it.
[chuckling]
Oh, and Mars. Fuck, Mars is no good.
I got bad news for these billionaires.
Mars is a bigger shithole than the moon.
There's nothing going on.
It's just farther.
Do you want to go farther?
I would only go 'cause I like aliens.
I got hooked on E.T. as a kid.
You're too young,
but the E.T. movie was fun.
A little scrubby alien.
By the way, when I was 8, I wasn't
even that enchanted by E.T.,
I don't know why.
First of all, 'cause he looked like
a piece of dried-out beef jerky.
I'm supposed to fall in love
with this thing?
Even Spielberg in those early meetings
should have been like...
"This burnt fucking road kill,
this is our guy?"
I was thinking of, like, a Tickle Me Elmo.
This guy's literally made of crow's feet,
his whole body. It's impossible."
And he's like... [makes croaking sound]
He's so dry.
And I get when you fly,
it dries you out. I get it.
I fly to Arizona, it's one hour,
I'm dry, I get it.
This kid's like... [makes grunting sound]
I mean...
Steps out of that spaceship,
let's roll him round in some Nivea.
That's the first order of business.
Spackle some coconut oil
in those cracks, dude.
Just so I can have a conversation.
And he's like...
[in croaky voice] "Well..."
It wasn't that enchanting to me.
And then Gertie. Kind of an idiot,
but she's 5, you know.
What does she know?
She's like, "Oh, my God, E.T., let's go in
and I'll make you some potatoes."
You don't touch the monster from space.
Covered in space COVID with omnicrons.
[laughter]
You know what you do, Gertie?
If you're helping us out,
you take a rake and you poke him
a little bit, you know?
You get the reaction time.
What's going on with this guy?
What's his temperament?
Knock him down, don't pick him up.
You hook his feet, and you drag him in
the barn. Not the living room, the barn.
Now we run some tests.
Anyway... I got distracted.
What happened was--
You were talking about the ocean.
So, in the ocean...
Somebody was. And in the ocean...
I like the ocean, but I was scared of it
as of late 'cause when I was a kid,
I loved it.
But they had riptides, I was like,
"I don't wanna go in."
So now when I go in, even when I snorkel,
I get a little water in the thing,
and I go, "Pull me up, pull me up!"
And they go, "All right, well,
you're standing up, okay. You're okay.
You're in three feet of water, you're just
going to lift your head like that,
and then..."
Water's gone.
And I'm like, "Ah! It was touch-and-go
there for a while.
It was real touch-and-go."
[old salt voice]
The sea, she was angry!
[normal voice] "No, yeah, well,
you're also in the pool, but I understand.
It is scary."
E.T.-- Oh, Brokeback Mountain.
You know they're making, um...
You know--
I'm just thinking movies
'cause I've got my ear to the tracks
'cause I'm in Hollywood.
There's a rumor they're making
a Brokeback Mountain reboot.
But this one is with all women,
which, honestly, I don't think is
a great idea because the first one,
the whole feel was it was dangerous
'cause it was two dudes.
You know, it was very taboo.
And then they said it might be
Emma Watson and Margot Robbie,
and I was like, "Well..."
[laughter]
...as long as it's artsy,
you know what I mean, like...
Who am I to get in the way of cinema?
Just keep it real, let's pepper in
some scissoring,
let's have some fun, let's do it right,
you know what I mean?"
[makes mechanical sounds]
[mechanical sounds continue]
Beep, beep, beep.
[makes whirring sounds]
[makes friction sounds]
I don't know how it works.
That's how I picture.
- I don't know if there's that many noises.
- [laughter]
[chuckles] Little WD-40 in there.
[makes squirting sound]
[chuckles] Ey-oh.
Boy. Watching late-night TV. Stupid.
Three in the morning,
I'm watching Lifetime or something.
There's a show there, you know,
about the overweight actress
that moves to Hollywood,
My 130-lb Life.
[laughter]
There's one about a doggy doctor.
Everyone loves dogs.
There's a doggy doctor open all night.
And everyone's so dramatic
when they run in.
It's like, "Oh, my God, my dog's a Leo
acting like a Capricorn."
They're like, "Oh, come on.
Come on, how long's this been happening?
What moon is it?"
I have a dog, does stupid things.
Super adorable, super cute.
Doesn't show enough emotion.
Shows happiness, sad.
Never embarrassed.
Only does embarrassing things,
never embarr--
You know, walks through a glass door,
it's like, "What's going on over here?"
I'm like, "No, no, no. No, no, no."
You don't go, "Oh, ai-ai." You know.
Looking at me like, "Did you see that?"
No, no, no.
I walk in, eating a turd, it's like this.
[smacks lips]
I'm like, "Are you eating a turd?"
It's like...
"Yep. Mm. Mm."
Like it's from Erewhon. I'm like...
The dog fell so hard the other night
that I was like, "I can't believe--"
'Cause I was watching TV. I'm like,
"What could have happened?"
For 30 seconds,
I wished my dog could talk.
Just walk me through it, he'd be like
"Oh, my God, I get to talk, here we go.
Quickly, uh, all right, uh,
you were in watching TV, right?
I was in the way, way back of the house.
I thought you called my name,
I'm not too sure, I have a bit
of the zoomies, to be honest.
So, I start going full blast.
I'm like, 'Yeah, I'm running.'
I got all four paws, yes!
And I'm like, 'I'm fast as fuck.'
Boy, I'm like, I'm into it, right,
ears are back.
And I'm like, 'Yes, yes,'
and I'm coming down, I see the piano,
I go, 'Oh, no, I have to turn.'
Now, I did not plan this at all.
I did not plan it, right?
So, I start going, 'I better stop.'
Now, here I come. I'm putting
the brakes on, it's not working at all.
'Cause you know, I'm like this. I'm on
the hardwood floor, so it's slippery.
My nails are too long-- your fault.
So... I start going.
Now 'cause I'm built like a kettlebell,
my butt's huge, I start spinning.
Now I'm spinning.
Now I'm going fast and I'm spinning.
I'm like hydroplaning,
if that's a word.
So now I'm going backwards,
I'm like,
'Hey, fuck it, Jesus take the wheel,
I don't know what's happening.'"
[laughter]
"I spun-- I took that piano leg out
like a bowling pin.
Piano fell on me, chandelier fell somehow.
Glasses, pictures, it was a shit show.
Oh, my God, and I popped up,
I'm like, 'Hey, what's on TV in here,
what's going on?
What is that, CHiPs?'"
[cheers and applause]
Yes.
Why'd I tell you that story?
I don't know why. Um...
I'll tell you another one.
Oh, this is home of the Denver Broncos,
did you know that?
- Yeah!
- [cheers and applause]
Move it.
Now, uh, the last football game
I really got into
was the Taylor Swift Super Bowl.
And if you saw that...
Something interesting about
a super famous person going,
and being so famous
that all I'm doing is watching her
watch the game.
That was kind of a phenomenon.
And, you know, 18 cameras on her,
three on the game.
It was so weird to me.
And poor Taylor's in some box
trying to relax, but she can't,
because we watch a five-hour game,
and we can just sort of drift off.
But she's gotta be like, first down,
second down, third down, fourth down.
You know. God forbid she gets up
to get a chalupa, you know?
She's like, "Hey,
what's going on back here?
This quesadilla's cold,
and these stuffed veggie--
Fumble! Oh, fuck, was that my guy?
Was that my guy?
Was he wearing red, did you see?
What happened?"
And they're like, "Oh, my God,
they broke up." You know, that's...
[laughter]
"She doesn't care anymore."
That's what she deals with.
And then on the reverse, like,
it was typical boyfriend-girlfriend
because after that he wanted to...
[whistles] ... to Vegas
and go to a bachelor party.
And she said, "Oh, I thought maybe
you could buzz down to Australia
and see my show."
And he goes, "Oh, okay."
He doesn't know where Australia is.
- [laughter]
- You know?
[chuckling] And so then, he goes,
"Hey, babe, I just checked
on Travelocity.
That's like 80 hours
if you go through Houston."
[laughter]
She's like, "Yeah."
He's like, "Oh, uh...
so, what, are you doing
some new stuff, or...?"
"No."
"Same five-hour show I've seen 30 times?
Okay, cool, cool, cool, cool, cool,
yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
No, no, no, no, no,
yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah."
No, it's shall I..."
And she's like,
"Grab a jet, just fly down."
He's like, "Right, there's 16 paychecks.
Okay, I'll do that."
And then when he gets there,
it's the reverse.
Now we're watching him watch her.
And he also has to add in the dances,
he's like...
[laughter]
And they're like, "That's right, dude.
And there's 200 more songs."
And he's like, "Holy shit,
this is like the Combine."
When I go to Journey,
I only got to know three.
I'm sore from that. Fuck. I'm breathing.
Just got a little sore. Ah.
Got into a scrape at McDonald's.
Got into a little rumble.
Wrong place for me.
I'm a bit of a dandelion, guys.
I don't know if you can tell.
I look tough on TV,
but it is not the case.
These quads are deceiving.
I roll into McDonald's 'cause
I'm a thousand percent Joe Dirt.
I still go all the time to McDonald's.
But sometimes I drive through.
So, I'm driving through.
This is two weeks ago in Hollywood.
I'm driving through-- Thanks, Bezos.
I'm just-- Fucking shit.
They said, "At the end, can you roll it
up in a circle? If you can!
Can you roll it up real tight?
If you can't, it doesn't matter,
doesn't matter at all.
We have a hundred crew guys.
Doesn't matter. It would help."
So, I go to McDonald's,
and I'm like third in line.
And then I see,
as per Hollywood, a crazy person
comes out of the bushes, no shirt,
drenched in sweat, super weird,
carrying a T-shirt,
and I'm like this, "Hmm."
Walks over to the guy ordering.
Ech! Starts snapping people in the face,
in the windshield, the guy taking orders.
Whap, whap, I'm like this...
"Ah, shit, okay, let's put that
in reverse." Beep, bee--
Everyone, we're all going back, you know?
So, I get back to here, then I go...
"I'm just gonna park." You know,
I don't want to leave. I want to watch.
So... I don't want to get hit,
but I don't want to miss the fun.
So, I say, "Well, this'll be cool."
So, I go in,
I get a six-piece McNug,
I come back,
and I just sit by the window, and I go,
"Oh, here we go."
Before I even open it,
I look up, and he takes a five.
I'm like, "Oh, no, no, no."
So, he starts walking right at me,
I'm like, I can't even think,
I'm like, "Don't come--"
Now, he's looked down, I'm like invisible.
Because I couldn't move, and I'm like,
"Do not know me."
And so, door opens, I see feet.
And then-- And then he goes,
"Little help?"
And I go, "Yep." I go, "There's 10."
Doesn't leave, of course.
And then he goes,
"Give me your McNuggets."
[laughter]
And I go, "No."
Denver, I'm such a colossal pussy,
you don't understand.
What am I doing?
You know what,
I sometimes just get sick of it,
but is this where I want to die,
is this where I die, on this hill?
I go, "I'll give you one."
Because you know,
I did puss out a little bit.
You know, 'cause you know what, he had
a cinder block, did I tell you that?
Cinder block.
And he doesn't even mention it.
He's like this. I go...
He should say,
"Hey, this is my lucky cinder block."
Like something, like "Don't be afraid."
But he's like this...
And I'm like, "I do not react well
to getting hit by a cinder block.
I have brittle bones,
no matter where you hit me
it's gonna be a problem,
I'm telling you."
Even the dust on it I wouldn't like,
make me itchy.
So I go, this--
All this means I'm giving him one.
I summarize the situation.
And I go, "I'll give you one."
And then he doesn't really say anything,
so I go... and I sound rude,
I wish I had some fucking tongs.
I was like, eh...
'Cause he took his super-drenched,
wet, sweaty hand, he went...
[makes squelching sound]
It was like the ShamWow,
like, [makes squelching sound]
and I was like...
[laughter]
"There you go, buddy."
And then, he doesn't even care,
he, like, puts it in his pocket,
and then...
Then he goes, "Give me another one."
I'm like...
But he doesn't know
that I only eat four out of six.
So, I haven't lost yet,
guy's a push, right?
But I do hem and haw a bit,
I go, "Uh..." I grouse.
Then I give the second one.
Of course, it's not over,
he goes, "Give me the rest."
Now, it's decision time, do we fight...?
And I go--
And before I totally puff up, I go...
Oh, I have a brainstorm, I go,
"Hey, I gave to you 10,
why don't you go buy some?"
And he goes...
Something was creaking
and making sense in his head, he goes...
And then I dart my eyes to the two guys
working there and they go,
"Fuck, no, don't do it..."
And I go,
"They're waiting for you, now scoot!"
He turned a quarter inch,
and I went ecchh
and dove in my car and started crying.
But you know what?
Stood up to a bully, Denver.
Yeah, I stood up to a bully, applaud that.
[chuckles]
Terrifying.
Almost shit my-- Oh, speaking of,
I got a colonoscopy.
Down, ladies.
Quick story, 22 minutes, I got a, uh...
Call the sitters. I got a colonoscopy,
which you have to now and then, and...
[single clap]
[laughter]
[chuckles] So I, um...
Firstly, to start it you have to take
a bunch of stuff to cleanse the system.
Clean out--
You know what I'm talking about?
You know what I mean, when you
cleanse the system? Let's look at a clip.
[laughter]
Did we bring the clip?
We don't have the screen?
So, you know what it is.
Then they lay me on the slab, the gurney.
Then the doctor takes a breathing tube
this big down my tiny throat.
It hurt so much after, I go,
"Hey, you didn't happen to jam
your wang down there, did you?"
[laughter]
And he goes, "You can't prove that."
I go...
[laughter]
So they put me on the gurney
and then they go, "Here's the Propofol."
Knock me out.
I didn't wake up fast enough.
Everyone says they love that part.
I didn't. I was like...
[makes gurgling sound]
So, he's trying to explain the procedure.
I don't listen, so he leaves a file on me.
So, I wake up, I'm like, "Oh."
It's like, four pages of scribbling,
and then five huge photographs.
[laughter]
I'm sorry, who are these for?
You have five mongo pictures
of my butthole.
What am I-- I'll take a few wallet-size.
What do I need these for, the fridge?
Am I handing these out at parties?
I go, "Hey."
The guy goes, "I wanted to show my work."
I go, "I trust you.
I don't know what you did, I don't care."
I don't care if you did it.
And-- 'Cause, you know,
they get in there, and so...
they rough you up.
'Cause I was so out of it,
I go, "I think I fell off the table."
I was so sore, and I go to the guy,
"Hey, did I fall off the table?"
And he goes, "Did you what? No."
And I go, "Well, my leg has a bruise
right here, and my clavicle's broken."
He goes, "I think it was like that."
And I go...
"No, it wasn't like that when I came in."
[laughter]
"And my ankle's twisted.
How many times did I fall, roughly?"
Because they rough you up. Like,
I saw a thing on liposuction on YouTube,
and they just...
I picture, lift your skin, skinny
little vacuum, and they go...
[makes soft sucking sound]
"Here we go."
No, no, it's rip the skin up,
boombox, crank it.
"Hey, it's Margie's birthday,
we're all going to Bennigan's after."
[makes whirring sound]
The guy's like this...
I'm like, "Holy shit, goddamn!
Somebody do something."
No wonder everyone's covered in bruises.
So, I wake up and I leave.
After they did a whole number, you know.
And the next day my buddy goes,
"Uh, you walking funny?"
I go, "No, why?"
He goes, "Does your b-hole hurt a lot?"
I go, "No, why?"
And he goes, "Didn't you just get
a colonoscopy yesterday?"
I go, "Oh, my God, I don't feel anything."
He goes, "Weird." I go, "I don't like it."
Because I got scared.
What if I got abducted by aliens?
This probably won't happen,
but what if I got abducted by aliens?
They could run a train on me,
I wouldn't even know anything.
I wouldn't know.
I come back to earth, I'm a hero,
everyone's talking, "What happened?"
I go, "I went in this room,
and we were just talking about some stuff,
and um, about, like,
my knowledge of Earth."
And they're like, "Dude, we found
a thousand alien babies in your butt."
I'm like, "What? Wait, what? Mine?
Oh, my God, there must have been
some shenanigans going on up there.
Ai-ai-ai!"
Um, anyway,
so here's why I'm a great guy.
I gave to charity about four years ago.
Thank you.
And-- No, I did go to a charity for Haiti.
Now, in Hollywood,
they have these big shenanigans
where, like, Haiti had an earthquake.
Sean Penn... [inhales]
...goes over there, gets on a canoe,
floats around, and...
surmises the sitch.
You know he does that.
He comes back, and he goes, "All right,
we're gonna raise some money
and do something right." Great.
So, he gets about 300 showbiz types,
we're in a room.
And we all spend money.
The idea is to auction off stuff. Great.
And the things they auction off
are very expensive.
Win a hot air balloon ride
with Justin Bieber, you know.
Take a rocket to Mars with Elon Musk
and three friends.
So... But it's all expensive,
so selfishly I'm like, "I'll go.
I'll have a few knocks and maybe bid,
maybe not. I just want to go, really."
So, I go there, I sit at a table
with like, Charlize, all these stars.
Now I'm a little-- a little wasted,
you know what I mean?
I've had a couple, and I don't realize it.
Because I'm nervous.
And then Charlize is there,
I look through the pamphlet,
I go, "Ooh, I might bid on some stuff.
Ooh, Paul McCartney tickets
and a meet-and-greet."
And I'm like, "That sounds good."
But it said it might go up to 10 grand.
I was like, "I don't know.
I don't love that."
So, I go, maybe I'll bid for a little bit
and then... [whistles] jump out.
So I go, "All right." So, I get
my ping-pong paddle, and I go,
"Hey, Charlize, you better buckle up,
it might get a little
ching-ching-chingy in here."
And she goes, "Are you talking?"
I go, "Nope.
- Nothing, I don't know what's going on."
- [laughter]
"What am I doing?" I'm talking like this,
"Don't be drunk." I'm drunk.
You know, you try not to be drunk,
I went... [makes swishing sound]
And then I got
my ping-pong paddle like this...
And Sean's like, "Coming up next..."
I'm already in over my head,
I don't know what I'm doing,
and he goes, "Paul McCartney tickets,
two tickets and backstage."
And I go like this...
And he goes, "Start the bidding
at 50 grand, David Spade," and I go...
"What'd he say? What'd he say?
No, he did, did he say five?
No, he didn't. Five-0?
What do you mean? No, no.
Hey, Sean."
This is a hundred percent true story.
"Sean, I think you said 50,
but ideally what happens in these--
You do increments, like, you say one,
and then I say two.
And then you say three,
and there's an increment,
and I don't know if I say four,
I don't know.
But I think you, like, jumped high.'"
It's dead silent, I'm like this, I go...
And Charlize is, like, "Are you broke?"
I go, "No, no, no, no, I'm not--
I'm just saying.
It's funny, like, 50,000's like a penny
to me, I'm just saying
it's a funny scenario
of humongous it is, the money.
It's just funny."
Now I'm like this. [exhales]
But now I'm like,
"What am I doing, I'm already
in over my head." I start sweating.
[sniffs] But here I am, and Sean--
It was like a dream.
He goes, "60 over here, 70, Spade, 80."
I go, "80, me?"
"Spade again."
"Oh, uh, 80,000 for still two tickets?
Holy-- Talk about Ticketmaster.
I mean, Jesus Christ,
we got some fucking fees in there."
[laughter]
"But no, really $80,000,
that's what we're seriously saying?
We're saying 80, 80 for--"
Silent again. I see DiCaprio craning
his head going,
"Who invited this?" I'm like,
"I'm doing it. 80,000, it's the cause."
So now, I can't even hide anymore,
I'm like this. [exhales]
And within one second,
he goes, "Ninety! Spade a hundred."
I go, "It can't be a fucking hundred!
It was one second ago.
It cannot be a hundred grand.
Guys, I shouldn't be here."
I started to crack.
"Guys, I don't know what I'm doing here,
I came for fun.
Honestly, I shouldn't be here.
I swear to God, gun to my head,
I couldn't find Haiti on a map.
I don't know what's going on.
Is it still by Hawaii? I don't know.
But honestly, was it a bad earthquake?
I mean, was it a rumbler?
It's not a hundred grand.
I've been in them, they're scary.
It's not a hundred grand, I'm telling you.
Guys, wha-- Let's think about this.
I mean, it's a hundred grand, and give me
my phone, I have to text someone
and find out if we're doing Grown Ups 3.
Just give me one second.
I need some money."
[panting]
- Oh, my God.
- [cheers and applause]
So in over my head. So drunk.
Shitting, freaking out.
And then they're all looking, and I go,
"I'm doing it, I'm doing a hundred,
I'm just saying it's a really good cause
and lets, let's do this."
And I'm just like, "Goddamn,"
and then he goes, "Anybody, 125?"
And I go to my table, "You guys, do not
connect eyes with Sean Penn,
he's a bad person.
Just let him--
Let Jeff Bezos sweep this one
and get the fuck out of here
because he should do it and be a hero,
and then I'll get out of here, all right?
So don't look at him.
Everyone look down and be real quiet,
and this will all go away."
And then he pulls the biggest rat-fuck
of all, he goes,
"Spade, 125." I go...
[laughter]
"'What are you doing? I don't understand.
Why would he say that?
I-- I'm the hundred guy.
I said a hundred, remember?
I think I won. I don't know, I won?
Do I win 'cause I said the highest
or am I..."
And then he goes... [inhales]
"Spade, Spade." I go, "No, no, no.
No, no, no."
Oh, my God, it was like a bomb went off.
Look at DiCaprio in slow motion.
"Spade. Spade."
The whole goddamn place,
"Spade, Spade."
I go, "125, guys.
I fixed Haiti, it's fixed. I did it."
Thank you! Spadey saves Haiti.
[cheers and applause]
I walk out of there like a bum. Ahh...
People are talking,
I can't even hear them, like...
[laughter]
The sickest part is it took a week
to tell my accountant anything.
I go, "Hey, good news,
I got a big write-off."
[laughter]
I sound like Kramer, I go...
He goes, uh, "What happened,
what do you mean?"
I go, "I bought stuff at an auction.
And then I buy stuff, I get these tickets,
and I pay a little more
and then, um,
and then I write it off, it's free."
He's like, "Well, the way that works
is you can write off
the face value of the tickets,
which is $300,
so how much more of that did you spend?"
[laughter]
It was more.
You'll find out. [giggles]
Anyway, um...
Christmas is coming up
or it just happened depending on
when this airs, and, um...
[laughter]
I don't get Christmas cards
anymore, sadly.
I get a lot of, um, lazy emails.
You know what I mean?
Christmas card email, and I only got one.
It was Happy Holidays from your family
at Toyota of North Hollywood.
[laughter]
Where you got an oil change six years ago.
And we still have your email.
My family never knows
what to get me for Christmas
'cause I'm like the spoiled
Meghan Markle of the family.
They all sort of glare at me
and grouse, but...
Just 'cause I've got a few beans
in my jeans, they all like,
"I don't have to get you anything."
I don't need anything, I'm fine.
I got my flannel shirt for Denver.
[laughter]
I'm, like, "Hey, Denver."
Look at me, blending in.
So, my brother, who's older,
is a tough guy.
Works construction.
He always gets me something,
and I have to appreciate it,
but it's always just something random.
So, he goes-- He comes over
and he goes, "Hey, man, I got you this."
And I go, "Oh."
It's a knife, it's a buck knife,
like 11-inch Bowie knife
that's used, it's not wrapped.
Guys never give anything wrapped.
Just like, ehh. Then he goes...
And it's got dried blood on it, so I go,
"Oh, my God, thank you," first of all.
And then I go, "A knife, huh?"
Then he goes, "I know you like knifes."
I go, "I do?"
He goes, "Well, at dinner, you're always
like, 'Can I have a knife?'" I go...
That's fair, yeah, okay. I'll take it.
I go, "That's great, uh..."
I go, "Is it dried blood?"
And he goes, "That's a funny story."
I go, "Yeah, continue."
He goes, "Well, at my apartments
there was a big gang fight, you know.
And the cops were there,
and it was crazy.
So, I went out there to rattle off
a few TikToks.
And so, they're all looking for something,
I looked down by my foot,
and there's this knife.
So, I step on it,
I kind of scrape it to the curb
'cause you know what I'm thinking."
I go, "Christmas?"
[laughter]
[sighs] Right.
He goes, "Anyway,
I don't have the thing it came in."
I go, "Oh, the body? That's fine."
- [laughter]
- "I don't need it.
Oh, the Ziploc evidence bag?
I don't need it."
And then I'm at the airport
talking to the guys at TSA and laughing,
and two cops literally pull me back,
and they go, "Is this your bag?"
I go, "Why?" And they go... Sching!
I go, "Oh, my God."
They go, "Is this yours?" I go,
"Yes and no. It's actually--
It's a funny story, um...
It's not that funny, I don't know,
I don't know what to say.
Yeah, I don't know..."
They go, "You can't take this
on the plane." I go, "Yeah, no shit."
I go, "Just throw it away."
And they go, they're willing to look
the other way,
and I go, "Yeah."
I go, "By the way, thank you
for putting your fingerprints on it too.
Thank you."
[laughter]
Now this case will be thrown out.
It's getting hard to watch porn
on an airplane. [clears throat]
It's not impossible.
I watch porn on a laptop.
I want the whole THX Dolby.
So, when I'm watching it,
I don't-- first of all,
I watch it in the aisle,
and I get looky-loos behind me,
I don't like that.
[audience laughing]
"More brightness!"
Get out of here, come on.
But porn has sort of jumped ahead.
I got out of it for a while, I got out.
For a while. I'm back in.
But... [laughing]
...it was, like, you know,
sort of just basic when I had the VHS.
They were just naked,
I was happy, you know.
Now there's 500 categories.
I don't get it.
I looked-- These categories, guys.
First one, mother-daughter porn.
I'm like...
This got okayed by everyone?
Just everyone in the meeting was, like...
Oh... I like it.
[laughter]
By the way, just so you know,
it's not a real mother-daughter.
I mean, you know,
in a perfect world, but...
[laughter]
Too bad.
Honestly, it's-- What they do is they take
the, uh, young 19-year-old ingenue
and they team her up
with a grizzled vet. [laughing]
And the grizzled vet
doesn't like the other one,
and you can tell, it's very clear.
After two minutes, she's like,
"Beat it, junior, I got this."
[laughter]
"Let me show you how it's done."
[makes suggestive sounds]
"Not bad for 76, huh?"
Everyone goes, "Seventy-six, wha--?"
The porn guy's like, "Hey, can we--?
Can we get a union guy--?
Who's 76? What's a--
What's a cougar again, what's going on?"
[roars softly] There's also
stepbrother-stepsister.
That one, fine. You know, fine.
I watch it.
About 10 minutes before any action.
Ten minutes of yapping.
Why on God's green earth
are you talking so much?
Why are you ad-libbing? Why, just...
And she's like the whole time, like,
"I'm so naked and hot,
but you're my stepbrother."
He's like, "I know, stepsister.
I'm so horny for you, we should have sex,
but I'm your stepbrother."
I'm like, "I know, go!
I know, that's why I'm here. Wha--
I clicked it, I'm all caught up."
[laughter]
"Go, go, go, wh-- What's happening?"
She keeps yapping,
"My uncle's your dad." I'm like...
"Is he? What, what? I don't...
I'm doing math, just get it on."
Be a real sis-- I don't care.
You think I'm closing my laptop.
No. I'm in this one.
Oh, there's squirters, I don't know.
Guys, squirting, stay innocent.
I didn't know what it was. I'm innocent.
Because when I grew up,
there were no squirters.
[laughter]
Now there's too many. What happened?
You pick it up along the way?
Is it a YouTube tutorial, like...
My friend-- I didn't know, he goes,
"Check this one out."
I go, "What is it?" He goes, "You'll see."
I go, "Why is that guy's hair all wet?"
He goes, "Just keep watching."
[laughter]
And then I'm like,
"Wait, what's squirt--?" He's--
Not to be graphic, the guy's head
is down in her nether regions, right?
And she is squirting, and it's crazy
'cause he's in there like,
getting nailed, it's like...
[barking sounds]
...it's like a dog biting at sprinklers,
like... [makes barking sounds]
I'm like, "God dang it."
Running through frame.
[makes chomping sounds]
[laughter]
I'm like, "Is this good or bad?
I don't know what's going on."
I'm not-- This is new,
and I don't love it.
God forbid some girl squirts with me,
I wouldn't know what to do.
I'm the unsexiest.
I come in, like,
'What's going on in here?"
You know, like, ready to get it on,
and then, deesh.
"Oh, my God is that--
Is that window open? Did you see that?"
"Oh!
Did someone step on your stomach?
That came from your way."
[laughter]
"Ha! Wait, are you doing that on purpose?
No! Don't aim it at me, don't!
Listen, don't do-- Oh! Got me, ah...
Come on, oh, this cashmere.
Oh, my God."
[laughter]
"This isn't coming out."
Then I have to humiliatingly
go to the dry cleaner.
"Can you get this out?"
"What is it?"
"Nobody knows."
[laughter]
Yeah. Figure it out, we'll go on TikTok.
And show the world.
Yeah!
[cheers and applause]
Oh, boy.
By the way, when I was a kid, I was, uh...
I don't want to say cute
'cause it's not strong enough of a word.
It was more adorable.
Um, I almost got kidnapped.
This is-- I'll make it funny. It was--
I'm so...
It came out weird.
I almost got plucked from a mall...
Well, first of all, I was 8 years old,
blonde hair,
looked like exactly Macaulay Culkin,
early Home Alone one.
Like, I was nailing it.
And I was kind of tan, I was, like,
shorts, I mean,
it was almost entrapment. Honestly.
Who's turning this-- If you're a child
molester, I'm your dude, right, so...
Anyway, I go--
My mom takes me to the mall.
And it wasn't the helicopter mom days.
I think you remember.
She's like, "See you in eight hours."
You know, so...
[laughter]
No one blinked, there's no mothers
going, "Oh!"
They're like, "Yeah, my kid too." So...
Here's a quarter in case everything
goes sideways on you.
So, I don't know, about five hours later,
she comes back to the mall,
and she's in a card store.
I'm buzzing around.
I go in this card store randomly,
and this old guy, like, 50--
which is not old now.
Back-- Back then.
In this scenario, I was 8.
Now it's, like 25.
So, he's this creepy 50-year-old,
and he goes, "Hey, kid,
do you want to go in my van
and get a snow cone with me?"
And I'm like...
"Yes." Like, obviously.
Obviously yes, it was like,
"Did I win the lottery?"
There was no weird feelings,
no gut feeling,
no tingles, no nothing. I was just, like,
all aboard, you know?
But then I go like this,
"Could it be ice cream?" And he waits.
And I go, "Either one.
Ice cream, ice cream sandwich.
I don't care, whatever."
I'm like, "Am I blowing
this deal alre-- What am I doing?"
And he was either smart or stupid
because he paused. I go, "Could it be
ice cream?" And he goes, "Uh...
Yeah, okay."
Dude, just say yes. What are--
We're not getting ice cream,
we're not getting any,
I'll be chained to a radiator in an hour.
Just-- Why would you stall?
You blew it because in that moment,
my mom sees me and goes, "Hey!"
And I go, "Hey, there's my mom.
I gonna grab my coat,
and I'll be right back."
And I run up, and he goes, "No, no, no!"
My mom, I go, "Hey, I'm gonna grab
an ice cream with this dude,
and I'll be back." And she's like,
"No, no, no, you're not."
And I go, "Hey, dude,
Mom says no go." [chuckles]
And he goes, "What the fu--
We had a deal!"
And I'm like, "Nah, no good."
Meanwhile, I shrug it off,
he's like, "Nahh!"
His own-- It's his own fault.
Oh, he's kicking himself.
Oh, I did a movie once where, uh, I had
to use squibs. You know what those are?
Lingo. Like, I had to get shot
in this kind of serious movie.
So, I'm in my trailer eating a burrito.
I don't care about it, you know,
'cause I'm gonna have to strip down.
But I thought it was the next day.
So, deesh, deesh, this guy,
older special effects guy,
long gray hair like this in a ponytail.
He's like, "Hey, man, we've got that
squib shot today. Can I squib you up?"
I'm like, "Oh, is that right now?
Is that right now after lunch? Oh."
He goes, "They're ready for you."
I go, "Oh."
So, he takes these you know, like,
pellets that are filled with fake blood,
and then they have to put them on
like an EKG, and then they have a wire.
And then he goes... keesh...
and he pops them off like a little thing.
And it stings, you know.
So I go, "All right."
So, then I have to strip
down to my boxers,
and then he's like, "All right,
I'm gonna stick these on you. Okay.
Where are your pecs?" I'm like...
[laughter]
"Just guesstimate where they are."
"Okay. Pop one on the old jellyroll
over here.
I'm gonna put one
on the old muffin top. All right.
I think that's enough,
we got 'em all on."
And then he goes-- Okay, now, you have to
put your shirt on really delicately.
And then your pants go over the wires
so they're sticking out the bottom,
and then you tuck them in,
and then everything's like connected.
So, he goes,
"Walk very slowly to the set."
You know, it's about a hundred feet.
So, I start walking, and he-- It's out
of my pant leg into the little plunger.
And so, he has to walk three feet
behind me, he goes, "Go slow,"
and I go, "All right."
Literally I pick up my script, I forget
he's there after three seconds
I go... [imitates flatulence]
Three farts in a row.
[laughter]
And I hear behind me...
"Hey, come on, man."
I go, "Oh, my God. Oh, my God,
I forgot you were there.
I forgot you were there in one second."
I was like, "Oh, no, oh, no."
And... and I start sort of
squeaking out farts 'cause I'm laughing.
And then I thought,
"Oh, my God, I have to kill this guy
because I can't have him
out there knowing this."
Because the worst part was,
he wanted to hit me with a brick,
but because he's a crew and he's
professional, and I'm in the movie,
the worst thing he can say is,
"Hey, come on, man."
Not even yelling it.
And I was-- I felt so horrifying
that I did this, I was like...
And you could tell, he's like--
Wants to kill me.
And then we go all the way to the set,
and then, uh...
And then later, I know
he's gonna work on a movie,
and he's gonna have his grandkids
around, they're going to go,
"I heard you were
with Leonardo DiCaprio--"
He goes, "David Spade almost shit on me.
That's the story you're gonna hear."
Staying in a nice hotel.
Not this one here, this one's shitty,
but two days ago,
No, um... Also, I got a massage.
And the thing is, I don't--
I don't like to get a massage from dudes,
and it's nothing bad, it's just
I don't want to ask for a female,
I want a female,
not 'cause I'm a super-creep,
it's just better because
I want to be, like, the strong one.
And then-- Which isn't even
always the case, but...
Guys understand,
if you're a guy, you know,
you don't want another guy
rubbing you, right?
It's kind of weird. So, I don't ask
for a female, and this is my problem.
So, I'm there, and I call down,
and they make it so easy.
"Hi." I go, "I'd like a massage."
They go, "Oh, great.
Um, okay, well, you want male or female?"
I go, "I don't care."
[scattered laughter]
I care so much.
[laughter]
I just want them to decide for me.
Do the right way, go the right way.
And she goes, "Oh, we don't care either,
so it could be literally,
we've got a female right here,
we have a male, whatever you want."
I go, "You pick."
[laughter]
All right, we'll send Rick.
[laughter]
Now I don't even want a massage.
Now I'm standing there meekly
in my little dainty robe.
And this dude walks in,
"Hey, man, what's going on?"
I'm like, "Hey, man. Blow it up."
And he's huge, got mongo hands.
Big, long finger, for some reason.
So-- So I go, "Just regular massage, man.
Just reg." I don't throw
any code words in.
You know what I mean? Swedish.
No, don't say that.
You don't know what it means.
So you go, "Just regular."
He goes, "All right, man, cool, cool,
cool, cool, cool."
And I go, "Yeah,
and maybe just 20 minutes.
We don't need to do the whole hour,
just kind of..."
And he goes, "Cool.
Let's get you face down."
I go, "No, hey, whoa, whoa, whoa.
No, no, no.
Relax, don't talk like that,
like don't say--"
What am I like this? I'm not doing that.
I'm not doing that.
Face down. I know what I mean
when I say that. Don't say that.
I will go to the table toughly,
and then I will get in the prone position.
And he's like, "Yeah, whatever,
that's what I said. Okay."
Get up and I get down, then I got
the little circle faceplate like this.
So, I get in there, but don't go to sleep.
Eyes open. Eyes open.
What's going on, you know? Pay attention.
So, not relaxing at all.
So, he goes like this...
"Let's start with those calves."
I go, "Don't talk, just go."
[laughter]
[makes grinding noises]
Something like this.
Then I'm like, "All right, move it along.
Move it along, guy."
Like, how much time
do I need on my calves?
I don't even know if I have any muscles
in my calves, you know what I mean?
I'm not Flo-Jo going to do
the hurdles tomorrow, I'm just like...
So, he goes,
"Let's get those hamstrings."
Don't whisper. Don't whisper.
Just do it. So, he goes... [grunts]
Big hands. [grunts] Noise.
[grunts] And I'm like this.
[grunts] Like, moving me
all over the table like a rag doll.
And then he bumps me ball bag three times.
Boof-boo-boo. I'm like...
My balls, he hits them,
do you get what's going on?
Ram! He goes-- He's going too high.
"You're too high, back off.
You're going higher, you're going higher."
Ball bag, ball bag. I'm like this...
And then... wha...
"By the way,
it's not my leg anymore.
I don't know what you're thinking.
It's not my leg anymore, you know that.
You know bodies. Back off."
"What is it?"
"I don't know, it's not my leg."
"So, what are you still doing up there,
you know what I mean?"
And in fairness, I'm thinking,
"Well, when I lay down,
I don't really know where my balls are,
you know, or my dick.
I know they're in the room
with me somewhere,
I just don't know where exactly
'cause I'm kind of rolling around.
They could be over here, you know?"
But no, I know they're over here
because he's bashing them,
ramming them with his hammer hand,
and covering them
with fingerprints and bruises
because he's bashing the shit
out of them for 35 minutes.
And then I go, "Back up!"
It's like a Roomba.
"Back up, you hit something, back up."
Nope. Ram, ram, ram. Smash, smash.
And I finally, after a hundred,
I go, ah, ah!
Too much, too much. Tingles, tingles.
Feels weird, it's weird,
it's a weird feeling.
And I jump off and he goes,
"Oh, wait, sir, are you gay?"
I go... "Am I?"
[laughter]
It was the awkwardest stalemate,
we're like...
We both don't know which guy's gay,
you know? We're both like--
Spider-Man, like...
[laughter]
So I just stood there like this...
Awkward, weird.
And then he goes, "I think I'm gonna
take off." I go, "Okay, yeah."
So, he takes off. Now it's just me.
Little Spader, I'm just standing there
awkwardly in the dark...
covered in oil...
fully naked
with a boner.
- [chuckles]
- [laughter]
Hey, maybe it was me!
You guys, thank you
for coming down to see me.
I love it. And bye-bye.
See you next time.
[rock music playing]
8na\{