David Spade: Nothing Personal (2022) Movie Script
1
-[rock music playing]
-[crowd cheering]
[crowd whistling]
Whoo!
[inaudible]
Yeah.
[crowd continues cheering]
Yeah.
Nice.
Thank you, Minneapolis.
Have a seat.
It's good to see you.
-Thank you, balcony. I appreciate it.
-[crowd whooping]
-[crowd cheering]
-[David chuckling lightly]
I appreciate you coming
and paying half price.
-I thank you very much. It's
-[crowd laughing]
Someone tried to hug me today.
I mean, I sound like a dick, but
this older woman was very sweet,
and she saw me,
and we both froze, and she goes, "Oh, no."
-[crowd chuckling]
-"Wait a second."
"No, are you someone?"
[scattered laughing]
And I go, "Yes, I am."
[crowd laughing]
And she goes, "Give me a hug."
I go, "Oh, no."
Not because I don't like it,
it's just I'm terrified.
You know what I mean?
Who's hugging, still?
I go, "Oh, maybe I could
just get away with a fist bump."
She goes, "Nope. Come here."
"I'm a hugger."
-[David cawing]
-[crowd laughing]
She did this eight-foot wingspan,
and she came in for the kill,
and I gave up.
I said, "All right. Bring it in.
Let's both die. Come on."
Because I don't know
what's going on, and she said I don't
But that's how paranoid I am.
And by the way, the old "I'm a hugger."
Can we get rid of that?
I mean, it's not working anymore.
I'm a hugger and that's it?
No questions asked?
[crowd laughing]
That shouldn't work anymore
for obvious reasons.
And it definitely doesn't work with guys
for probably 100 reasons.
I mean, my uncle is like that.
"Come on. Come here!"
"I'm an ass-grabber, get in here."
"Oh, give it a chooching ass."
"No. It's okay."
-"I'm just anass grabber."
-[crowd laughing]
"Don't be weird about it."
"No. I grab asses, and I like it."
"No. We understand that part."
"I'm an old-school guy."
"It's part of my charm."
"I'm a camel toe grazer."
"And that's what I do."
"Just a little bit on the knuckles."
"I don't even feel it.
I have no nerve endings."
"You can't get mad."
"Ask my family.
I've been doing it forever."
[crowd laughing]
"I like to bump a biscuit now and then,
and everyone's been cool with it."
"I don't wanna change.
Don't be so woke. Come on."
But yeah, I think that's gone.
But I'm from California [chuckling]
and, um, I don't know if you've heard,
but we're in the third year
of our two-week lockdown,
and it's going really badly.
-[scattered laughing]
-Um [chuckling]
It's very tricky to have a lockdown
because about six months
into it, I was like,
"Any word on the two-week lockdown?
Has anyone said anything to you?"
"Because I'm still in my house."
And then our governor came out,
and they said he's gonna have
a press conference
and announce he's opening things.
All I want is restaurants.
That's all I, honestly, give a fuck about.
I said, "Great."
"Let's do restaurants."
So he comes out on TV,
waste of fucking time, 'cause he goes,
"Starting Monday,
we're gonna do the purple tier."
I'm like, "Awesome."
"No idea what that is. Let's go."
"Starting Monday,
we're gonna open rock quarries."
[crowd laughing]
"Archery repair shops."
"What did he say?"
"Did he say archery?"
"Decoupage centers."
"Caterpillar sanctuaries."
What the fuck is going on?
What's happening?
Anything about restaurants?
"No, that's tangerine tier, that's"
"You don't know this? You don't"
"That's a year and a half away, but"
[crowd laughing]
Such a drag.
And then a few months after that,
there were some whispers of a vaccine.
Remember that?
[whispering indistinctly] Jab, jab, jab.
[whispering]
Puh-fizer, Puh-fizer.
I don't know how to say it. Puh-fizer.
[crowd laughing]
But then,
out of nowhere
after all this time, like a year,
suddenly three vaccines
came out the same day.
A little suspicious. I didn't give a fuck.
I'm willing to look the other way.
Jab me. Let's go eat.
You know what I mean, like
a little sketchy.
-[crowd cheering, applauding]
-The same week.
I'm all in. I do not care.
Let's go.
And it was, actually,
like a horse race for a while.
'Cause it's like, "Here comes Pfizer."
"Pfizer looks
like it's gonna be out first."
"Oh! There's Moderna coming around
that corner. Moderna, Moder--"
"Who's this? AstraZeneca
pulling up by a hair!"
[crowd chuckling]
Anyway, Pfizer wins,
and then Pfizer comes out,
and the guy's announcing it.
And they're so proud,
they're like, "We're Pfizer." [cheers]
"We are 90% efficacy."
And I'm like, "What did you say to me?"
I swear to God. I thought
he was saying efficiency wrong,
because I went to community college.
I don't know anything.
And I told my friend,
"This idiot said it wrong
three times in a row,
and no one said one thing about it."
[crowd laughing]
"We're 90% efficacy Pfizer,
and we have to be
at 45,000 degrees below zero."
And I'm like, "That's okay."
Listen, there's a few quirks
to it, that's fine.
Like, what does my fridge go to?
I don't know.
But you know what? I'll take it.
Next day,
"We're Moderna."
-[grunting]
-[crowd laughing]
"We are 95% efficacy."
Oh.
"And we're room temp."
Ah.
I'm listening.
Next day, "We're AstraZeneca."
[humming whimsical melody]
"We're 96%."
"And we're a bath bomb."
Holy shit!
[crowd laughing]
I'm in.
That one sounds real easy.
[mouthing sound effects]
Fixed.
And then, Dr. Grouchy.
I've sorta had it with him.
I mean, no offense, it's
just buzzkill.
-[crowd cheering, applauding]
-Hammering me with bad news.
No bedside manner.
Every time he sees me, it's like,
"What do you think?" "Gonna be worse."
"If I had to guess
with absolutely no information,
I'd bet on worse."
"Everything will be bad
to worse to shitty."
No matter what. I'm like, "Goddamn."
"Any hope, dude? Let's mix it up."
"Second opinion?"
"No, I'm your guy, and it's bad."
And then, they always have
a running death count in the corner,
which was horrifying.
I'd block it with my hand
'cause it was such a drag,
and it was the Jerry Lewis Telethon.
We're like, "Tiffany, roll it."
"Oh, we hit a million!" Like
That doesn't make me feel good.
[crowd laughing]
Grouchy. And he was always like,
"Oh, by the way" he kept going,
"There's gonna be a fifth wave.
I warn ya, fifth wave."
And there was a fifth wave,
and he was jizzing on it.
He was so happy it came true.
I was like, "Goddammit!"
He's like, "Back on TV!
Makeup. Here we go. Ring light."
[humming]
[crowd laughing]
"Oh, it's gonna be bad. Fifth wave."
"It's gonna be worse than Rocky V."
No, it's not.
It's not gonna be worse thanRocky V.
What are you talking about?
But you do sound
like the trainer in Rocky V.
[in accent] "This one's
gonna hurt you permanent, Rock."
"Permanent and it's gonna
put you in a body bag."
[muttering indistinctly]
[in normal voice] Three people know Rocky.
[crowd laughing]
Actually
actually, when I heard, uh
when I moved to Los Angeles,
I heard a rumor about Stallone
because, you know,
I guess last year he
he was accused of some "me too" stuff.
And I don't know if it's true,
but that came out.
And then I remember when I moved to town,
I heard some dumb rumor about him
that was like,
"Oh, uh, his wiener doesn't work."
Wiener doesn't work. You heard me right.
And I go I'm, like, at a keg party going,
"What happened?"
And they go, "Yeah, 'cause
in Rambo 3, I guess he took steroids, or"
You know, which I did see.
I won't tell you what happens, but
And I guess
And on top of that
Ridiculous, this is what they said,
"He's, uh he's got a pump in there."
"Like a perfume pump
on his hip to make it go up." I go,
"Is that poss--? No way."
[crowd laughing]
I go, "There's no way that's true
because I'd have one."
[crowd laughing]
Who wouldn't?
Give me three.
Give me a couple of backups.
Like, why not?
I mean, how great!
I just picture him at a party back then.
He's got some lady friend in his mansion.
He's like, "Hey. After this,
uh, drink, maybe we, uh,
head up to the master bedroom."
[blowing rhythmically]
[crowd laughing]
What, what, what?
Huh?
And she goes,
"Uh, actually I'm probably
gonna have one more drink after this."
He goes, "Not a problem."
-[exhaling slowly]
-[crowd laughing]
Dammit.
In fairness,
that joke is mostly sound effects.
It's sorta built around it.
We'll cut this part out.
[crowd laughing]
[grunting]
[cap clattering]
I'm gonna be sore tomorrow.
Ugh.
[crowd laughing]
[David laughing]
I actually had a big coat
to wear to Minnesota.
-[man] Yeah!
-[woman] Yeah!
-[crowd cheering]
-[David laughing]
By the way, they weren't bullshitting.
There was a minus in front of the number.
I was like, "There can't be."
[crowd laughing]
So I go to LA
to some hoofy doofy store, and I say,
"I need a big winter coat."
And they go, "Oh, this is a great one."
"It's a puffer, but it's covered
in leather on the outside."
I go, "Oh!"
And they go,
"A lot of rappers are buying it."
-I go, "Sold."
-[crowd laughing]
If someone else said it was cool
and they're rappers,
I'm buying it. Not a problem.
So I go to buy it.
I put it on, and then I go,
"I can't wait to go skiing in this."
Then he goes, "Ayee"
"I wouldn't take it skiing."
I go, "You wouldn't take
your winter coat in the snow?"
He goes
"Would you take in the rain?" "No, no."
"I wouldn't take it in the snow,
rain, sleet, hail, flurries, drizzle,
bluster, wind,
dawn, eclipse"
[crowd laughing]
"twilight, or dusk."
"It's more of an indoor coat,
to be honest." I go, "Yeah, yeah, yeah."
"Like the living room?"
He goes, "Kitchen. Yeah, yeah."
[crowd chuckling]
"Actually, it's more
of an Instagram coat."
"You just sort of take it off,
take a photo,
put it back in the closet."
I go, "All right.
How much is it? 90 grand? All right."
And I bought it because you know what?
I didn't wanna look stupid.
[crowd laughing]
I was on The Bachelor this year,
uh, The Bachelor.
[crowd cheering, applauding]
Bach in Paradise.
Which is a little bit of the--
You know what it is. Right?
[crowd laughing]
Actually, the funniest part
was when I got there
because they
they flew me down to Mexico and they go,
"You're gonna stay in a four-star hotel."
I didn't know it was 4 out of 1000.
[crowd laughing]
I stay in this dump, and it's [chuckling]
It sounds mean, but it's a house,
but the stairs to my room upstairs
are outside, which is weird.
And I'm in there
and it's covered in crabs.
By the way, there's a million crabs
outside and there's 10,000 inside.
And I go, "I don't love crabs."
"They're kind of sickening to me,
and there's too many at once,
and I get overwhelmed
and they're fucking scary."
And I tell a guy,
"There's too many crabs."
And he goes, "It's crab season." I go
"I But not in my house.
Like, it can be out there."
And he goes, "But they're crazy."
I go, "These aren't answers."
"This is Do you get what I want to do?"
"I don't want them here, 'cause they scare
the fuck out of me,
'cause I'm kinda a puss,
and they're gross,
and they walk sideways,
you know, and that's unsettling, at best."
What, what, what?
[crowd laughing]
And then you look at 'em and they go
[droning]
They stand up and go [clacking]
Like, "Chop, dice!"
They just want to kill.
They're not scared of you.
They're just spiders with good PR.
I don't know how everyone's into crabs.
And they tap on windows. [clacking]
They're all They're fucked up.
So the guy is like, "Uh, yeah," you know?
And so I go,
"I need less than 100 in the house."
And then even in my room,
which is, you know, second floor,
they're just all in there waiting for me.
There's seven minimum when I go to bed.
I'm going to bed and the guy goes,
"Oh, they won't go on your bed."
And I go, "Well, they climbed
a 60-foot wall to get to my room."
[crowd laughing]
"I think they can handle
my Sealy Posturepedic mattress."
'Cause the lights are on,
so I'm sleeping like this
And they go like this [clacking]
And then I open my eyes and they go
[crowd laughing]
And then I go
It's Squid Game.
You know, it's red light, green light.
I don't like it.
How did they see it first?
[crowd laughing, applauding]
And I go,
"How are they getting in my room?"
Meanwhile, I look.
It's this thick under my door.
The crabs
don't even have to go smash down.
They're like, "Jama Day. Hey" [humming]
They come right in. Nobody cares.
And then I'm down with the guy
and I'm trying to explain that I don't
like them falling off the ceiling on me,
which they do.
And he's he's like, "Oh" You know?
And I go, uh I look at the stairs
and there's a tail going up the upstairs.
A furry tail. I go,
"Hey, what's, uh You catch
that tail heading up to my room?"
And he goes, "Oh."
"Uh, that, uh, might be a haguar."
[crowd laughing]
"I'm sorry. I didn't catch that."
He goes, "Haguar."
I go,
"You're not by any means
saying jaguar, are you?"
And he goes, "Yes."
"And you're not saying it happy?"
You should be like,
"Yeah. Fuck, man. A jaguar!"
"You might die," but he goes, "Yes."
And he goes He gives me the good news.
He goes, "But you know, not too many."
[crowd laughing]
Okay.
I go, "I've heard one
can cause a ruckus, but sure."
Anyway, I look again
and the tail comes down. I go, "Oh!"
And he goes, "Oh, no. It's just a lemur."
And I go, "A lemur. Thank God."
I have no idea what that is,
but I go, "It's gotta be better."
[crowd laughing]
And I go, "Lemur."
And I see them 'cause they're
on the glass trying to get in there like
[clacking]
And they're tapping
and, like, Morse-coding their friends,
going, "Kill at midnight,"
and they're all gathered around
and then the lemur comes up,
and I go, "Hey. This is cute."
He's like, "Yeah." He picks up
three crabs and goes [chomping]
I go, "Goddamn!"
He goes, "You're next. You're upstairs."
I go, "What do you know?"
[crowd laughing]
The guy's like,
"Well, time for me to go." [chuckling]
"Is it lemur season? What's happening?"
Anyway, he leaves,
I go to Bachelor in Paradise,
which is basically a Toyota fuckathon.
You know. You're nodding your head.
I mean, good God.
Whatever.
[crowd laughing]
Anyway, enough about that.
I'll tell you about my sweet mother.
My mom.
I went home for Christmas.
She's very sweet.
We took pictures at dinner,
she put them on Facebook within minutes.
Didn't clear it with anyone.
Um, that's how she does it.
Got five likes. She's stoked.
[crowd laughing]
Um, but now she has a dog
named Scooby, who's very cute.
She has, um,
a dog named Scooby, and Scooby
is a cute, uh, wiener dog, and very
very skinny with the one ear up and
[barking]
But now Scooby is super fat.
Because he used
to look like a young Brando.
Scooby is like this, you know,
and then now looks like Brando
in Godfather 10, like
He's so fat from Snausages,
and when he barks, he's like
[strained barking]
It's a fat bark. You know what I mean?
It used to be [yipping]
Now it's like. [coughing]
[crowd laughing]
I go, "Are you barking? Are you coughing?"
So when she leaves, she feels guilty,
and he eats 24 hours a day.
And then she has a thing
called a Furby, or something,
that shoots them
out of the wall [vocalizing] like
More food. When she's gone
to Costco, "Oh" [vocalizing]
And then he's like, "Huh?"
Ear, "Oh!"
Because he's like, "Are there ghosts?"
And instead of being scared,
he's like, "I'll worry about
the paranormal activity later."
Let me eat this fucking Snausage.
So he's like [moaning]
Crawls over, like, under the barbed wire
like boot camp. You know? [grunting]
Then he gets to it
and he's like [sniffing]
[breathing deeply]
"What am I doing
with my life,
eating constantly, and"
"My life is on a circle of just
stupid munching and getting fatter."
"Obviously, I'm gonna eat it.
I'm just sort of thinking out loud, but"
[chomping]
Then [vocalizing]
back to the couch.
And then, when I come over,
I go, "Scooby!"
And Scooby's like this.
"Ah, come here."
[crowd laughing]
I go, "Fuck you!
Scooby, you run to the door."
"I'm the people, you know?" And he's like,
"Sit with Scoob! Come here."
"Come on."
"Have a little sit with Scooby."
Get fucked.
[David chuckling lightly]
I shouldn't say that to a dog,
but you know.
You know how it goes.
[whispering] Scooby
I'm not gonna tell you about that.
I will tell you
that my neck gives me trouble.
So I got a massage.
I try to get a professional massage
at a very nice hotel.
So I go to the masseuse.
You know, I call down.
And I don't wanna sound like a creepo,
but I go, "Can I get a girl masseuse?"
I always do. Give me a girl
so I look like the tough one. You know?
-[crowd laughing]
-[David laughing]
So they go,
"Sure, it's not a it's not a problem."
But here it is five o'clock.
And I'm like [moaning]
-Then I hear
-[thudding]
I go, "Good God."
I walk over.
[honking] I look through,
and it's 6'5" Dolph Lundgren
[groaning]
like, out there, and I go, "No, no."
I go,
"I'm sorry. Are you looking
for the steroid machine?" He goes,
[in accent] "I am masseuse."
I go, "No, no, no. Not for me."
"I said a girl."
He goes, "There is no girls left."
"It's just me, but I'm a teddy bear."
I go [chuckling]
"I don't know why.
I don't like it. I don't want it."
He goes, "No, trust me."
"I look big and strong."
"I'm a teddy bear,
and they charge you either way."
I go, "All right. Come on in."
Because my chintziness,
you know, won that one.
So he comes in,
and I go, "Let's just try it out."
So he picks me up like aragdoll
and throws me on the
I go, "I can get on the table, sir."
[crowd laughing]
Makes me sound like the biggest pussy.
He goes [grunting]
I go
[crowd laughing]
And then I go [grunting]
like I can barely get on the table.
I go, "Okay.
Well, I didn't know it was this high."
And so
I put my face in the circle, and then,
"You let me know
if there's any instructions
because again, I am a"
I go, "Yeah, yeah. Teddy bear. Just go."
So Because I'm the type
that never complains in the massage.
And he goes like this
[crunching]
My face is going.
[groaning loudly]
Then he goes snap
on my neck. I go [screaming]
Then I, finally I just go,
"A little lighter." And he goes
[shushing]
[crowd laughing]
You don't shush.
I'm the customer.
And then he goes
[crunching]
I'm like, "Ugh, ooh, aah."
Keeps going. Keeps going.
I'm in horrifying pain for a solid hour.
Everything's painful.
Nothing's fun about it.
And I had the balls
right in the middle to go,
"Maybe pull it back 10%."
[shushing]
I shushed like a pussy.
I lay down there, hor--
And then I get up and tip him.
Psycho.
I'm psycho.
Tip.
The worst.
I tip.
[crowd laughing]
I go, "Dude" And then I apologize.
"I'm sorry. I just didn't mean to like
I just feel weird 'cause you're a guy,
and I I don't like
to feel arm hair on my back,
or your boner
jamming in my ribs, you know?"
"I'm old-school."
[crowd laughing]
But my friend said,
"Oh, if your neck hurts,
go to this weed store
in LA on the street called Yucca."
Yucca, you don't even need to know.
It's the skankiest,
roughest street in Hollywood.
It's so gross. Everyone's
getting killed there at all times.
I never go on it.
I don't even go to the 7-Eleven there.
And then they go
You're supposed to park
and just voluntarily go in a place
on the worst street in America
where when there's a shooting,
even cops go, "It's Yucca."
You know? They text each other,
"Yucca." Shrug emoji.
[crowd laughing]
Squirt gun. Hey.
So I go.
And it's not
the Apple clean, iPhone store.
No. It's Looks like World War Z.
And then
[crowd laughing]
I voluntarily go into this shithole,
and I'm like, "Hey,"
and then this guy is like [groaning]
I go, "Hey man,
I need some weed pen or something."
He goes [nervously chuckling]
I go, "Do you work here?"
He goes [groaning sheepishly]
"I'm I have anxiety."
I go,
"I don't give a shit, dude.
I'm sorry, but like"
He goes, "Ugh. My job is hard."
I go,
"Dude, I hated every job
I had my whole life."
I can't take younger kids
that wanna quit everything.
I go, "Dude,
let me tell you some bad news."
"I had anxiety
from when I was born till right now."
"It doesn't get easier, dude.
It all sucks."
"And if you quit, you'll freak out
that you don't have a job."
"So just stick it out, dude.
I'm telling you."
"You think I like being a dishwasher
and a busboy? Just do it."
He's like, "Ah. Stress!"
[crowd laughing]
So then the owner comes out.
"Hey, Mr. Spade."
He puffs up a little bit.
"Hey, Jimmy. We got him."
"I got you, boss."
"Hey, take care of Mr. Spade."
"You get him a, uh
get him some fentanyl crab cakes."
"And will you get him [smacking lips]
some, uh [clicking tongue]
uh, LSD candy corn."
So I go, "No, no.
I'm okay. I'm okay. I'm okay."
He goes, "Well, at least have a gummy
on me as an app--"
I go like this [chewing]
He goes, "Well, don't eat it all." I go
[crowd laughing]
"Don't eat all of that thing?"
He goes, "Just eat the ear."
I go, "Fuck you. It's one inch
of food! Dude, I'm eating it all."
[crowd laughing]
"I should have the ear? That's this big."
He goes, "Oh, you're gonna be
all fucked up." I go, "Well"
"I don't know.
If you give me a cookie, I eat it all."
"Don't tell me to, you know,
eat one crumb at a time."
"Like, put each one in a baggie."
"Like, that's a hit. Like, I get it."
I don't like all this shit because I have
I have vodka soda and two gets me drunk,
three is too much, but I can gauge it.
This is like
I don't know what's happening.
"I can't have an inch?"
"No, I wouldn't." I go
[crowd laughing]
Fentanyl crab cakes.
Meanwhile, fentanyl is,
like, the worst thing in the world.
You guys know, it's
I read it's 100 times stronger
than heroin.
[scattered laughing]
Uh, I'm sorry. What?
What?
Not three, not four, 100 times.
America,
how fucked up do we really need to be?
I mean, good God!
And since when was heroin for pussies?
Honestly, when did that happen?
"You're still doing heroin?"
"No, no. Just till
my fentanyl guy gets here. No, no."
"No, no. Heroin's like ZzzQuil."
"No. I just relax. I just do it to chill."
[crowd laughing]
Jesus.
I've been offered drugs,
and I wish people would be honest.
Like, when people offer me drugs,
I act cool
if I don't want it,
but I don't just say that.
I'm such a loser.
Like, someone offered me heroin.
I'd never seen it.
This guy goes, "Spade." I go, "What's up?"
They go, "Want some heroin? I go, "Uh"
"I'm good."
What am I? What's the pause about?
What am I doing?
What am I wrestling with?
I'm not doing it, but I had to be cool.
I go, "Uh, shit, I just ate. Oh"
"Um, God damn. What time is it? Uh"
"Fuck! Oh, that looks
like a good batch too."
[crowd laughing]
Batch?
"Oh, looks chunky."
"Improving."
"Oh, man, that looks like
it's really got some fucked up shit."
I don't know what I'm saying.
But then I go, "You know what?"
"Can you find me again?
Ask me in a half-hour."
"You swear to God you'll come find me?"
He's like, "Yeah." I'm like, "Cool."
[trilling]
Run to my car and cry.
Because honestly, if I saw heroin,
I'd really want to jump on a stool
and go "Eek, a mouse," you know, but
[crowd laughing]
I, uh
Oh, I look good? Thank you.
Did you say that?
Was I thinking that?
-[girl whooping]
-I
No. I It's funny, 'cause
I I've always weighed about 140.
And the subject of weight
is funny, 'cause with guys
Girls have a lot of pressure about weight,
and guys don't really,
but you try to stay in shape.
And I remember I got weighed the last time
when I was about, you know, 30.
And I weighed about 140.
And then for the rest of my life
I said I weighed 140.
I never checked again.
I never looked again.
[crowd laughing]
"What's your weight?" "140."
So But, you know, you fluctuate.
So I porked up a little along the way.
And it sort of backfired
on me 'cause I was
I was doing a movie,
and when you do movie,
you have to get, uh,
a physical for insurance.
So here's a little
inside Hollywood for you.
So every TV show or movie
you have to do this.
And when we were doing Grown Ups,
I had to go in and get, uh, tested for it.
And Grown Ups is a movie
you've probably seen
because we've been keeping the lights on
at TBS for the last five years.
-[crowd cheering]
-You almost can't not see it.
It's like A Clockwork Orange.
[crowd laughing]
So
Anyway, I get called in and the doctor
But they're so
they're such quick meetings,
they're almost fake.
So I don't even want to go in.
This is how bad I'm getting.
So the doctor calls me and goes,
"Hey, come in for a physical."
I go, "Can we just do this
on the phone, dude?" He goes
"Do, you know,
a physical exam on the phone?"
I go, "Yeah. You've seen me on TMZ."
"I'm out there jumping around.
I'm all good."
[crowd laughing]
He goes, "No. I'd like you to come in."
So I go, "Adam's not gonna like this."
Oh, I shove Sandler
down their gullet whenever I can.
Just to get him quaking in his boots.
[crowd laughing]
But he goes, "No. Just come in."
I use it all the time, actually.
I use it at Taco Bell.
"Oh, you don't have thechalupa today?"
"Adam's not gonna like this."
[crowd laughing]
"You got it now?"
He's like, "Who's Adam?"
So it doesn't always work.
But
So here I am, I go in to the doctor
and he's like, blood pressure this.
He goes, "How much you weigh?"
I go, "140. He goes, "140?"
"Is that what you're trying to pull off?"
I go
[crowd laughing]
"Sir, I'm 140 and scribble it down."
He goes
"Why don't you jump on the scale
and I'll make an honest man
out of you." I go
"Dude, I was kidding earlier,
but Adam is not gonna like this."
He's like [whistling] "I'll risk it so"
So I go over
to this old man doctor stick scale thing.
You know, with the two sticks
and little cinder blocks.
Little black cinder blocks. I go,
"These are 50 each, right?"
So [speaking gibberish]
I'm gonna put this on 100.
And then [clacking] the one-pounder,
I'm going to put on [clacking] 45.
"I'm 145, 'cause I'm such a fat ox,
according to you."
But I'm kind of scared.
"What is he talking about?"
So I go like this
[yelling] You know
'Cause when I get on a scale,
I go arms up, eyebrows up.
Think feathers, you know.
'Cause you wanna be light.
[crowd laughing]
No one gets
on a scale and goes [straining]
You know
I'm like Ariana Grande.
So
I go like that, it goes
[shouting]
Everyone in the office goes "Ow!"
I go, "Oh, hey. I put on a few."
So now I'm panicking. [vocalizing] Sweat.
And then he goes,
"Uh, try again." And I go [exhaling]
"All right. Here we go."
[clacking]
Uh [speaking gibberish]
I put on 150 and then I take
the little one-pounder and Igo
[clacking]
I put it on zero, I go,
"Okay. I'm almost 150. Fuck, here we go."
And then I'm like, "Oh my God."
Wait a second. Shoes off.
Socks off.
[whispering] Pants off.
-[crowd laughing]
-Hat. Wallet. Watch.
I have hairspray in my hair.
Write that down. Here we go.
[vocalizing]
And this thing goes [clacking]
and this guy comes over
with the pure humiliation, over my face.
[clacking]
[crowd laughing]
"What the fuck's happening?"
"Oh, you're cramping up?" [clacking]
[screeching] "Oh, it moved. Stop."
[groaning]
[crowd laughing]
165, I go,
"There's no way
I have 25 pounds of mystery weight
somewhere on my body
that I don't even know about."
And he goes,
"Adam's not gonna like this."
[crowd laughing, applauding, cheering]
[David] Ugh.
My worst fear.
[crowd chuckling]
Then I told a girl,
"Do you know I have 25 blubbery pounds
rolling around in my body somewhere
that I don't even know where it is?"
And she goes, "I know.
I gained the first ten in my boobs."
I go,
"I'm sorry. Is that a fake problem
you're trying to compare?"
"Do you think if I gained
the first ten pounds in my dick and balls,
I'd be worried about it and crying?"
"Oh, my dick's so huge!
I've been eating a lot!"
"Oh, and my balls.
I have to wear sweats all day."
"No. I'd be at Pizza Hut
with every other guy I know."
"Loading up."
[crowd laughing]
My real doctor says,
"You need to come in for a colonoscopy."
I'm like, "Ugh."
I go, "I'm camera shy."
[crowd laughing]
Not very photogenic. And he goes,
"You know, if you don't wanna do that,
there's a thing you can do."
"If you want to try it where you sort of
go to the restroom in a box
and you send it into the lab,
and they check it."
"And if you don't have cancer,
you're off the hook."
I go, "I'll do that. Like, let's do that."
So I poop in a box
[crowd laughing]
I send it to the lab,
they send it right back to me and say,
"Please don't send us this."
"Your doctor's playing a joke on you."
[crowd laughing]
"There's no way we can dig
through a box of your dirty shit
and find out if you have cancer.
Are you an idiot?"
"I dated him ten years ago.
Tell him it's not funny anymore."
Stop.
[crowd laughing]
He goes, "Did you send it?"
I go, "Yeah." He goes, "Excellent!"
"I hate her."
Why am I in this? Why am I involved?
[David chuckling lightly]
I had a great dinner tonight
in one of your beautiful restaurants.
Um, yeah.
[crowd cheering, applauding]
[David] Beautiful town.
Actually, the hostess, uh, tried
to strike up a little jibber-jabber,
you know, which is fine,
but usually goes nowhere
because we're walking ten feet. You know?
She goes,
"Mr. Spade, we're so excited to have you."
"How was your week?"
I go, "I had a little bit
of a health scare." "Here we are."
[crowd laughing]
"I'm sure it's nothing. I wouldn't worry
about it at all, you know."
"I'll get a CAT scan. I'll CC
the whole hostess team. I'm sure it's"
She didn't give a fuck.
And then I sit down, and sometimes
it's such a nice restaurant that the
the fish is market price.
You ever seen that?
They don't even tell you how much it is.
I think the waiter tries to guess
how rich you are, because I go, uh,
"How much is the tuna?" He goes, "Um"
[whistling] "The tuna is"
[speaking gibberish]
"Seventy."
I go, "70 bucks?" He goes, "40, 40, 40."
[crowd laughing]
Oh, it's not too bad.
I think he has anearpiece in there like,
"What is he wearing? Go lower."
[crowd laughing]
"What? Is he wearing
a cowboy shirt? Go lower."
[David chuckling]
Yeah, but sometimes
just if they act too hoofy doofy,
I stupidly will say "shrimps" wrong,
just to see if they correct me.
So it's always
so dumb.
I go, "Do you guys have any shrimps?"
And he goes
[crowd laughing]
"Yeah."
"Yeah. We do. We, uh we do have shrimp."
But he can't he has to help me,
but he doesn't he just can't say it.
And I go, "Oh yeah?
Oh, cool, cool, cool, cool."
"Do you have, uh, like, five shrimps?"
[crowd laughing]
"Yeah. There's a scenario
where you could get five shrimp."
"There's no way you could take ten shrimps
and jam 'em in a circle."
"Make a shrimps cocktail."
He's like,
"No one ever said fucking shrimps cocktail
in the history of the world."
[crowd laughing]
I go, "What are your fishes?
Honestly. Do you have elks?"
I like to go to McDonald's. I go,
"What's your Filet o' Fish of the day?"
[clearing throat]
"I think yesterday was a branzino."
"I think."
[crowd laughing]
Stupid.
But then
my phone was running low
and I was like, "Oh."
I wanted to plug it in. The hostess goes,
"I can plug it in for you."
And I go [groaning]
"I'll just take it from you."
I go
[groaning]
[whispering] Terrifying.
She goes,
"It'll be just around the corner."
I go, "Where I can't even see it?"
[crowd laughing]
I'm not giving it up.
Now I know how Alec Baldwin felt.
I get it, man.
You don't want to give up that phone.
There's too much stuff on it.
They take his phone,
they're looking for one thing.
Some text saying,
"I'm gonna put real bullets
in the gun and surprise everyone."
If it's not that,
what are you looking for?
I don't want that hostess
to roll through my camera, you know,
and find those 500 dick pics
that didn't make the cut.
[crowd laughing]
Did not make the cut.
Mine's not showing well, guys.
I got bad news.
What? You know. And that's you gotta
That's currency.
I mean, this is a new world.
That's You used to have to do that.
You know what I mean? At the end.
Now you lead with it.
Hey. Here's my dick. If you wanna
You like it? You wanna meet for coffee?
We have any chemistry or
So far so good.
I'm so old you used to, uh, have to sketch
out your dick to give it to a girl.
You know? Like, before cameras.
[crowd laughing]
Shading.
But actually, I told my friend,
I go, "Are you taking these pictures or"
And he goes, "Yeah." And I go, "You are?"
I go, "Show me one, but don't be a weirdo,
but I want to see. Like what"
And he shows it to me and it's like this.
I go,
"You didn't even get a courtesy rod?"
He goes,
"She knows if she likes it, I send the"
I go, "That's not how it works, dude."
"It's likeEminem. You get one shot."
"You're out!"
"No one's looking for potential."
"What are you talking about?"
And I asked this girl, I go,
"Uh, do you get 'em?"
She goes, "Ugh. They're horrifying."
I go, "Well, I have to take one.
So, what do I do?"
And she goes, "There was one."
I go, "Okay. What was the one you liked?"
She goes, "Well, he was laying
on his side. It was from his feet up
and he had it in a chokehold,
on his elbow." I go
"I gotta get my buddy involved?"
That's so horrible.
"Hey. Before the movie, real quick."
"Just gonna take everything off."
"Don't be weird. And I'm gonna lay down,
I'm gonna slap together a partial,
get a little floater going."
"I'm gonna slam it in a drawer."
"Just get some a couple ccs of plasma."
"And listen, I'm gonna choke it,
and you take pictures
on three. All right?"
"And, actually, take my camera
and you're gonna take way too many."
"I'll do the kills later."
"Just [trilling] like, go nuts."
"All right? 1, 2, 3."
Choke, choke, choke.
Go, go, go. Now, now, now.
[crowd laughing]
It's worse than helping me move.
I tried it. I go,
"I'm just gonna take it in my house."
Like, the worst lighting. I know nothing.
I'm just like, "In kitchen."
[crowd laughing]
[speaking gibberish]
Just naked.
Horrifying fluorescent gross lighting.
Really bad.
Uh,
backyard drone shot.
[buzzing]
But I had a rod.
So, it sort of canceled it out. You know?
It was like a sundial.
[crowd laughing]
And then I took one from behind.
[speaking gibberish]
My dick wasn't even in it.
But you know what? I'm trying things.
I'm brainstorming.
It was all balls.
[crowd laughing]
It was a niche market. [chuckling]
And don't lay down on a couch, guys.
You get that bird in a nest look. That's
[crowd laughing]
unappealing.
A lot of unfollows, a couple of blocks.
Two reports.
[David laughing]
Ugh, I'm trying to watch more porn.
It's tough, you know? I just
Actually, I have some good news.
I did have
a threesome recently in college.
-[crowd cheering]
-Yeah.
The college threesome is, um
Wasn't great. I, uh
It was me, my buddy, and this other dude
and here's what happened.
Here's how we did it.
-[crowd laughing]
-You know, here's
Listen.
The third was supposed to be a girl.
That was the whole plan.
And then we had it all set up
and then she flaked at the last minute.
And I said, "Let's just grab him.
Let's just run through it once."
"Let's just get the beats down.
Let's just see if it even works."
I mean,
do the blocking.
And uh, in hindsight it was a little gay.
You know what? Because
I didn't think it through and it was.
It was fine.
But later
about ten years later I had another one,
but that was screwy
because it was me and a guy and a girl.
We're in a hotel room getting ready
for a concert, everyone's drinking,
and someone goes, "Let's do a threesome."
Everyone's like, "Yeah."
No one really knows what that means.
And so I go to get a drink
and then they hook up
and he walks away and goes, "You're up."
-And I go
-[crowd laughing]
This feels like sloppy seconds to me.
Am I crazy? I mean, it was sold to me.
I feel like I might have
some legal recourse
because There should be
a lawyer commercial for this
'cause there is for everything else.
"Have you ever been sold a threesome
and it was really sloppy seconds?"
Yes! Yes, I have.
"You may be entitled
to some compensation."
[crowd laughing]
Ah.
This is my mesothelioma, guys. Let's
But I try to watch porn.
You ever watch porn websites?
My buddy goes, "Watch this one."
I go, "Oh, I can't watch another one."
I've only seen,
like, 500 million videos, but I go,
"Oh, I'll see what's out there." You know.
But I don't wanna
get stuck for three days.
You know, I just want to go in and out.
So I just type in "hand job video,"
the easiest one.
Just just get get a feel for it.
So it comes up and then under it it says,
"Other videos we think you'll like."
[crowd laughing]
Have you ever seen
the other videos they think you'll like?
First one,
"Teenager gets gangbanged in an elevator."
I'm like, "I'd like that?"
"Yeah. Yes, you would."
I go, "No. I did hand jobs."
"That's the ea-- That's nothing."
"No. We've run some analytics on you."
"No, you haven't. I punched three keys."
"You're in a really dark place
right now." "I am?"
"Hand job."
"Oh, you're gonna watch it now
or in a week from now."
"What's it gonna be?"
I'm like, "Ugh. Now."
[crowd laughing]
This thing knows me
better than my therapist.
But I did think
that they all have big wieners.
And I was like,
"Ugh. I wish I had a huge porn wiener."
And then
And then I thought, "But do I?"
Like, this'll probably never happen,
but if I find a bottle,
if there's a genie in it
And so many things have to happen,
but let's say [whisping] it comes out
and he goes, "You get one wish."
No, wait. I can't do it.
You know what I mean, 'cause
Too selfish.
There's so much going on
I could fix. You know?
I wouldn't do it. If I had ten wishes.
[groaning]
I'd probably bury it
toward the end. You know?
When the genie wasn't even
paying attention anymore. Like
I'd get all the good ones. I'd cure this
[muttering] but at the end, yeah.
But if I had five, that's a tricky one.
Five? [groaning]
Don't make me even think about it
because I think it would be number five.
I know.
I'd cure some stuff, but fuck,
sometimes the house wins. You know?
That's how it works in Vegas, man.
[crowd laughing]
Shiite.
No, but I was, uh, on the old laptop.
You know what clickbait is? You do.
Clickbait is I'll tell you.
I did a show in Nashville.
Someone had a, uh, seizure in the back,
and they dragged him out,
and then the next day on Yahoo
it said, "David Spade
stops show because of seizure."
So it's sort of
a clicky headline that doesn't
You don't know what it means,
but it's a trick to get you to click on.
Usually you click on it
and you go down all these wormholes,
and it's all these windows
and it's like a trick.
So it's better than every other article.
So here I am stupid.
I know what it is and I'm watching,
and it's like "Cardi B does this,"
and "Minnesota weather," and then it says,
"What's the one vegetable
Tom Brady refuses to eat?"
[crowd laughing]
What?
So stupid. Who cares?
What is it, a coconut?
[crowd laughing]
It's so dumb. And then I go down.
But it's all blurry because I can't focus
because that's all I think about.
And they got me.
So I go all the way back
and I clicked on it,
and here we go.
First window. "Tom Brady
was born in Northern California."
Mm-hmm.
Next.
"Tom Brady started playing football
at the age of seven."
[crowd laughing]
[smacking lips]
Where are the fucking vegetables
that you swore to God
you would tell me about?
I'll save you 27 clicks.
It's a tomato, ladies and gentlemen.
I was way off.
But I can't take it
because four minutes later I'm down there.
Weather? Football? And it goes,
"You'll never guess
what this '80s actress looks like now."
[crowd laughing]
Oh boy.
Um, I will save you
55 clicks and two and a half hours.
She looks like shit, ladies and gentlemen.
It's so mean.
I mean, she aged 30 years in 30 years.
That was her big crime.
Sorry she doesn't look like
she did on Gilligan's Island. You know?
And the next one said,
"Look at this motherfu"
It was me.
[crowd laughing]
"What happened to this guy?"
And it was a good picture.
Oh boy, but that's not
That's neither here nor there, guys.
[groaning]
I remember the last day
before the old, um
You know, lockdown.
My big day was Went to IHOP.
-You do know what IHOP is?
-[man] I do.
Okay. We're getting somewhere.
Um,
and I found a hair in my eggs,
and I ate them anyway.
Here's what happened.
I didn't wanna wait 20 minutes
to for new ones,
and there was no witnesses.
But it was apube. I should've said that.
-[crowd laughing]
-That makes it a little weird. Right?
Little wiggly pube.
You can tell a pube on sight.
It's got a little wessonality to it.
You know?
And it was still attached
to the guy's balls.
That was the worst part.
[crowd laughing]
I ate around it. I didn't care.
He didn't care. I didn't care.
But he didn't work there. I thought
So, by the way, pubes are out there
and I know girls are like,
"Oh, I'm hardwood, not carpet,"
but guys
Oh,
it is Mount Pubic.
If you've ever been
to the urinal here here,
There's maybe 50,000 pubes in it
and I I don't know how.
You go in there,
just pull your wiener out and pee.
What's the ruckus and commotion?
It's like you're cleaning a brush.
-[yelling]
-[crowd laughing]
Wha What?
And there's ten on the upper deck.
Are they, like
They're they're making a break for it.
Anyway, I don't know.
I'm not gonna fix that tonight,
but that makes me crazy.
So I'm brainwashed into liking beavers
because I grew up with bushes.
I grew up with Hustler
and Penthouse and Play-- You know.
All these had a bush,
and a girl
I finally s-saw one.
I go, "Oh, your bush."
The girl goes,
"Yeah, 'cause I grew up. I'm a woman now."
"That's what happens.
What do you like? Bald?"
"Like a nine-year-old?
Like a child molester?"
I go, "No, no."
But now,
any girl.
"You don't have a bush?"
They go, "Is that what you like?"
I go,
"No, I like, um, bald nine-year-old,
child molester."
She's like, "Good, good.
That's what you're getting."
I'm like, "What is the real story?"
I mean, girls,
get together, figure it out because
the first one makes sense.
And by the way, it wasn't just a cute
little landing strip.
Not when I started.
Oh no. It was a babushka.
-Oh my God.
-[crowd laughing]
It was like home plate.
You know what I mean?
Like, down the legs a little.
It was like crab grass.
You know what I mean?
Tickling the ribs a little.
There's no rules.
It was lawless.
[crowd laughing]
They'd wear those old undies,
looked like an airbag went off.
[David laughing]
I'd sleep on it
like a My Pillow commercial.
[crowd laughing hysterically]
You'd take it off and pull on them
they're three and a half feet long.
[boinging]
Jam down.
[groaning]
So I went to Macy's
the other day to buy some, uh
Just some things.
I had to get socks. I had to get a shirt.
So I go I go to the Macy's in the Valley.
Uh,
it's farther, but I'm about
9% more famous over that one,
so it's worth the drive, you know.
I have an app that tells me.
So I go over there and
First thing I wanna get is socks,
but they don't sell socks like shoes.
It's not size 8, 9, 10.
It's literally "fits sizes 5 to 28."
I'm just glad they don't sell condoms
like that, you know.
"Fits sizes Asian to Black guy."
Because I I sort of know that I'm all
By the way, here's a trick, guys.
Here's a tip.
Buy those Magnum rubs.
You know what I mean? The really big ones?
Just to, like, get girls in a good mood.
You don't have to use them.
Just, like, pepper them around the house.
You know what I mean? Throw one
in the fireplace, one by the Vitamix.
Doesn't even matter.
Like not so obvious.
I use them as coasters.
That's stupid. It's too obvious.
Girl's like, "Oh my God."
I'm like, "What?"
"What is that doing there?"
"That should be on my dick."
[crowd laughing]
Ah?
I'm so embarrassed.
But you really shouldn't wear the ones
that are too big. You know?
Because nothing's worse
than a droopy rubber. Right, gals?
I mean, it's not
It's so embarrassing.
You're like,
"This is this is ridiculous."
"This one is broken. And you know what?"
"I never write a company.
I'm going to fire off an email. This is"
"Dear sirs."
[crowd laughing]
It's always embarrassing
to borrow their scrunchie to keep it on.
"Can I can I use that for one second?
Just to double"
And you don't want it loose side to side.
You're like
Clang, clang, clang goes the trolley
You try to joke it off.
You know? And it's
[crowd laughing]
I wanna invent Magnum Juniors.
Come on Shark Tank!
Magnum and then in little words "Juniors."
So you're like, "Junior."
Thinking ahead.
And then I bought a shirt,
and they have a nine-way mirror in Macy's.
Now, folks,
have you seen yourself from the side?
Don't recommend it.
Um, try to avoid it.
I am barely okay with what I look like
in a one-way mirror.
Do you understand? Like
I'm a six or seven. I read the internet.
I'm more personality driven.
That's fine. That's fine.
I'm okay with that at this point.
I get it, but for me,
looking in the mirror,
I know when I look okay for me.
So I try the shirt on. I go
[vocalizing]
"This one's not too bad."
"This is a, uh,
cowboy sh"
[crowd laughing]
"Is that That's not Is that me?"
"Shut the fu"
"Sickening. That's me?"
"That's me from the side?
That's what the world sees every day?"
"Who invited Gollum in here?"
[retching]
"God damn. It's so sad."
I'm literally like a seven, six, five,
two, two, two, two, two, two.
[crowd laughing]
Brutal.
And then I have no confidence,
so if I go to a bar, I just stay flat.
"Hey. You ladies work together?"
"Oh. All in the same company, huh?"
"That's interesting."
"What are you drinking?
Vodka soda? Vodka soda? I'll do a run."
[crowd laughing]
"Stay flat."
Jesus.
Jeez.
[sighing heavily]
I think my friend's a pedophile, but, um
I'm gonna change gears here.
Um, but I'm not sure.
I feel like I should gather
a little more data before I turn him in.
But, right now, it's just a hunch.
I went over to his house and he's watching
the Little League World Series.
[crowd laughing]
I don't like it.
I even gave him an out. I go, "Hey, uh"
"You know some
you know some kid on this TV?"
He goes, "No."
"But you gotta admit
they're amazing athletes."
Are they? They're 12.
He goes, "Look at the calves
on that one." I'm like, "Later."
Here I go. I'm gonna tiptoe out
while the SWAT team comes in.
But it is a weird world now
where you can't even give someone
compliments about their kid.
You used to be able to. Like, I got a lot.
Um
But, you know, like, someone's
with their seven-year-old daughter,
and if you ever go, "Hey, your daughter"
You can't even say,
"Hey. Your daughter's pretty." They go
[crowd laughing]
What? Come on, really?
Then I get offended.
I want to defend myself and go,
"Dude. I'm not some creep child molester,
and believe me, if I was,
I'm not starting with your kid."
"Believe me, she's not that great."
"Yeah. She's okay."
"If I'm doing that,
I'm starting with that kid
I saw at 7-Eleven three days ago."
"That's number one."
"Yours is [whistling]
way down the list."
"Creep."
[crowd laughing]
Actually, when things happen
early in life,
the, uh you don't know
the repercussions they have later.
Like, just pantsing people
in grade school.
Stupid, funny. We've all done it.
I was 11, where soccer
Someone dared me to pants the coach.
Now, this is such a bad idea in hindsight.
Pants the coach during a game.
And no one tells me he had the biggest
wang, prong, anaconda, dick in history,
and he doesn't wear underpants.
So, here I go.
And I go
[speaking gibberish]
And everyone just went,
"What the fuck?"
And the whole stadium froze.
Especially him. He loved it.
He sat there and let it wave
in the breeze for a while.
"Drink it in!"
[crowd laughing]
Let everyone know who's boss. You know?
He didn't even pull 'em up. He waited
for a timeout, eight minutes later.
He finally goes,
"Ah, you crazy kids."
[crowd laughing]
And then, all the moms started coming
to practice an hour early. You know.
Dressed like they're going to
the Golden Globes or something.
Sure.
Flirting with girls is tough.
You know, sometimes
you flirt with a girl you go
Like I asked a girl out,
and guys, here's a tip.
If they don't text you back right away,
you're dead in the water. It's over.
Because I texted a girl,
took her four days,
and she's like,
"Oh my God. I'm the worst texter."
And I go, "Huh. Yeah."
And then I answer
and then three days later she goes,
"Oh my God, I spaced."
"I'm so bad at this."
No one's bad at texting,
by the way, no one on this planet.
And it's just such a bullshit excuse,
cause I did finally get her out to dinner.
And all night,
she's hunched over phone like this.
[trilling]
I go, "Oh.
I see you're getting the hang of it."
[crowd laughing]
"You're really picking it up."
"Good for you."
So dumb. So dumb!
Oh boy, so
I saw, um,
Caitlyn Jenner at a car show.
You know who Caitlyn Jenner is?
Caitlyn Jenner, when I grew up,
was Bruce Jenner
for a long time in the Olympics,
and there was a little switcheroo
which you heard about, and, uh, fine.
The only part of that
that I thought was alittle interesting
was the name Caitlyn because
that's reserved for 30-year-old girls
in my head.
That's like a psychological trick
to sound younger, which I get it,
but it is a trick.
I mean, listen, my name's David.
It's like Marlon Blando.
Like, who cares about David?
It's so dumb and forgettable.
If I wanted to sound 27, I'd change
my name to Connor. You know what I mean?
And then I'm 27 overnight.
They're like, "Connor Spade,
what's up?" I'm like, "Just vaping."
[crowd laughing]
But it does sound, you know.
It might work.
And Caitlyn, she was like, 71.
You know what?
You don't get to be Caitlyn.
You know what your name should be? Barb.
Barb Jenner, hi.
[crowd laughing, cheering, applauding]
"I'm Barb."
"How are you?"
Or Dottie or Ruthie, anything.
You're not Dakota, you're Dolores.
I mean, make it make sense.
But honestly, even my friends old me up.
I hate getting olded up by my friends.
I have girls.
I go, "Wanna meet my friends?"
I see you coming I go,
"You know Rick, Pete, and Roger?"
They're like, "What the fuck?"
"No, thanks. Sounds old over there."
"I don't need to see him."
[chuckling lightly]
It's tragic.
I have to lie.
"Oh, you know, Aiden, Cayden, and Jaden."
They're like, "Oh! Yeah."
"Let's get a bottle."
[crowd laughing]
And when Caitlyn
came out,
I mean,
all the celebrities were so supportive.
I mean, Courteney Cox and Cindy Crawford
were like, "Caitlyn looks amazing."
"She is so beautiful."
And they're like,
"Oh, you kind of look like her."
"Fuck you. Are you serious?"
"That monster?
Take it back. Take it back."
The guy's like, "You kind of
changed your tune a little bit."
[crowd laughing]
[David laughing]
You're having fun, aren't you? Good.
[crowd cheering]
All right. Yeah.
I love it here, guys.
I love it that you came down.
I got my cowboy shirt.
Things are clicking.
Things are really I did fly.
I flew here on a I'm gonna say Southwest.
Southwest is kind of acrummy airline.
And this does not leave this building.
Um
They First of all,
I've flown them for years. You know.
But when I go in the terminal,
I'm not even a quarter mile away,
and they're like, "Whoa, whoa, whoa!"
"Before you get on board,
we have to clean the aircraft."
It's literally one guy with Febreze
going like this [blowing raspberry]
"All right. Bring them on."
"Bring on the cattle."
And it's literally everyone.
"Number 1 through 1000."
I'm like, "Oh, that's me." [grunting]
It's like electric football. You know,
everyone smashing into each other.
And then
This the flight attendant
has got the shorts on,
'cause they're the fun airline.
Let me tell you a secret.
No one's having fun.
She's not. I'm not.
She's drenched in sweat
'cause Vegas is their hub.
Lingo.
And so she's straddling jetway
to plane like this.
"Get on the plane.
Everyone get on the plane."
"Please, we have to push off the gate."
That's all they care about.
"Push off the gate."
"Push, push. Gate, gate. Off. Go."
And we're in the hall and I'm like this.
And she goes, "Please, quit looking
for an aisle seat. There's none."
"There's only middle seats.
We're the only all middle seat airline."
"It's almost impossible."
"We only have middle seats. And don't even
dart your eyes at the overhead."
"Those are full. They're slammed shut."
"They've been full since 4 a.m."
"We don't have room for a phone cord,
a nickel, or a marshmallow."
"Sit down."
"Put your crap on your lap. You paid $49."
"You made a deal with the devil.
You knew what you were getting into."
"Zip it and shut up."
[crowd laughing]
So I'm sitting there
with my crap on my lap,
and I say to the guy,
"Do you think there's food on this?"
"This guy thinks there's food!"
I go, "No. I was I was just asking."
"Here's the food sitch."
"We have five bags of peanuts left."
"Halfway through the flight
we'll shoot 'em out with a T-shirt gun."
"All right? So look alive. Heads up."
"One of them's honey-roasted.
You might win the lotto."
[crowd laughing]
"If you have a peanut allergy, tough shit.
Two are open already."
"So you're sort of soaking it in,
Madge, so
please crawl and die in the lav."
But they were very nice.
When I left the plane I said,
"You know what?
I just wanna thank you guys
because everyone's calling in sick now
and the flights are delayed,
but I appreciate you coming in."
And she goes,
"I know. I have COVID and I came in."
And I go, "I know, and thank you."
That's what I mean. Above and beyond.
[crowd laughing]
[David laughing]
Porn genie.
I, uh I did take a, um
Oh my God. It's a Rolex.
I did, um
[crowd laughing]
[David chuckling]
Stupid. I
I took a private jet recently,
and I'm only bragging because I rarely do.
You see, I see girls on Instagram.
Why is it every single model
is on a private jet at all times.
You know how expensive they are?
I'm like,
"These girls are hybrid hookers."
It's hard to explain, but
they're not bullhooks, but you know what?
Stay after and I'll tell you.
But anyway, that's not why we're here.
But, I've been on private jets.
I know how much they are,
and they're this big.
They're literally like a thermometer.
They don't show those on Instagram,
it's too embarrassing. I've been on them.
They're two feet high
and it's like an MRI with wings.
I'm like this
[crowd laughing]
[trilling]
[clacking]
[imitating MRI sounds]
You've had an MRI. You've had an MRI.
You've had an MRI.
Get that soundtrack just to chill.
[crowd laughing]
[imitating MRI sounds]
Hammer. Hammer.
But yeah, so I got one juicy plane.
These guys flew me to a gig
in Jackson Hall.
I was so stoked. I took my friend.
We're on the flight,
and I'm like, "Finally, a juicy jet
and I get to live the hybrid hooker life."
So I'm on there, and I'm sitting there,
and it's going well.
And then the pilot comes out,
and he comes out like all doomsday.
He's like this.
[breathing heavily]
I'm like, "Is this joker smoking?"
And he goes, "Here's what's going on."
"Uh, we're about 30 away,
and it's gonna get real bad."
[crowd laughing]
Absolutely no bedside manner.
I go, "It's going to get real bad.
What do you mean? What, what, what? How?"
And he goes, "Well, there's
130 mile-an-hour winds
and there's a full snowstorm,
so it's gonna get real bad."
"But you know what?"
"I say we go for it."
[crowd laughing]
He walks away. I go, "What is it?"
"Did he say 'we're gonna go for it'?
What does that mean?"
My buddy was, "We're going for it."
I go, "Going for what?"
"Is this scary?"
"Should we not do it?"
Then it's like
I go [speaking gibberish]
I'm locked in like a bronco,
my Diet Coke hits the ceiling.
Terrified. Terrified.
You know how some people
laugh when they're scared? I pee.
So I'm pissing all over the place.
Anyway, and then it stops for one second,
and he goes, "Go ask him."
I go [panicked breathing] So I go
[breathing heavily]
[groaning]
I'm already sick.
I go up, I go, "Hey. Earlier"
and he goes, "What?"
I go, "I'm the customer!
You don't yell at me."
"You said something earlier about going
for it. We don't have to go for anything."
"Like, who cares about the stupid game."
He goes, "Hey."
"Listen, if there's even 100 feet
of visibility above the tarmac,
we can legally land."
I go,
"Legally?"
"I That sounds bad.
I don't want to leave."
He goes,
"We got a ten-second window. Sit down!"
I go, "God damn.
Why do I keep doing what you say?"
So I sit down and then this
wham, wham, wham, wham.
Can't believe how scary it is.
And then we look out the window.
Snow, snow, snow. And then blank.
And then [thudding] we hit.
I go, "Did we crash? No, we landed?"
[whimpering]
So I get up and the stairs are like
[hissing]
And I go, "Oh my God. Oh my God. I lived."
And then I go over and I go [groaning]
And I get on the tarmac.
[blowing]
It is a solid mile of nothing.
There is no other plane
within a mile, and I go,
"What's happening?"
And then these two crew guys,
just go like this.
[crowd laughing]
I go, "What what happened?"
They go, "Dude,
you just popped out of the clouds."
I go, "What do you mean?" They go,
"It just popped out from 20 feet up."
"You just appeared."
I go, "Where is everybody?"
He goes, "Oh, man.
37 planes had to divert."
[crowd laughing]
"You're the only one that landed."
I go, "Shut up!"
I go, "Why'd they divert?"
I hear behind me,
"'Cause they're pussies."
I go
-[crowd laughing]
-[David laughing]
You guys, thank you for having me.
[rock music playing]
I love you.
I appreciate it.
[crowd cheering, applauding]
[cheering, applause continues]
[music fades]
-[rock music playing]
-[crowd cheering]
[crowd whistling]
Whoo!
[inaudible]
Yeah.
[crowd continues cheering]
Yeah.
Nice.
Thank you, Minneapolis.
Have a seat.
It's good to see you.
-Thank you, balcony. I appreciate it.
-[crowd whooping]
-[crowd cheering]
-[David chuckling lightly]
I appreciate you coming
and paying half price.
-I thank you very much. It's
-[crowd laughing]
Someone tried to hug me today.
I mean, I sound like a dick, but
this older woman was very sweet,
and she saw me,
and we both froze, and she goes, "Oh, no."
-[crowd chuckling]
-"Wait a second."
"No, are you someone?"
[scattered laughing]
And I go, "Yes, I am."
[crowd laughing]
And she goes, "Give me a hug."
I go, "Oh, no."
Not because I don't like it,
it's just I'm terrified.
You know what I mean?
Who's hugging, still?
I go, "Oh, maybe I could
just get away with a fist bump."
She goes, "Nope. Come here."
"I'm a hugger."
-[David cawing]
-[crowd laughing]
She did this eight-foot wingspan,
and she came in for the kill,
and I gave up.
I said, "All right. Bring it in.
Let's both die. Come on."
Because I don't know
what's going on, and she said I don't
But that's how paranoid I am.
And by the way, the old "I'm a hugger."
Can we get rid of that?
I mean, it's not working anymore.
I'm a hugger and that's it?
No questions asked?
[crowd laughing]
That shouldn't work anymore
for obvious reasons.
And it definitely doesn't work with guys
for probably 100 reasons.
I mean, my uncle is like that.
"Come on. Come here!"
"I'm an ass-grabber, get in here."
"Oh, give it a chooching ass."
"No. It's okay."
-"I'm just anass grabber."
-[crowd laughing]
"Don't be weird about it."
"No. I grab asses, and I like it."
"No. We understand that part."
"I'm an old-school guy."
"It's part of my charm."
"I'm a camel toe grazer."
"And that's what I do."
"Just a little bit on the knuckles."
"I don't even feel it.
I have no nerve endings."
"You can't get mad."
"Ask my family.
I've been doing it forever."
[crowd laughing]
"I like to bump a biscuit now and then,
and everyone's been cool with it."
"I don't wanna change.
Don't be so woke. Come on."
But yeah, I think that's gone.
But I'm from California [chuckling]
and, um, I don't know if you've heard,
but we're in the third year
of our two-week lockdown,
and it's going really badly.
-[scattered laughing]
-Um [chuckling]
It's very tricky to have a lockdown
because about six months
into it, I was like,
"Any word on the two-week lockdown?
Has anyone said anything to you?"
"Because I'm still in my house."
And then our governor came out,
and they said he's gonna have
a press conference
and announce he's opening things.
All I want is restaurants.
That's all I, honestly, give a fuck about.
I said, "Great."
"Let's do restaurants."
So he comes out on TV,
waste of fucking time, 'cause he goes,
"Starting Monday,
we're gonna do the purple tier."
I'm like, "Awesome."
"No idea what that is. Let's go."
"Starting Monday,
we're gonna open rock quarries."
[crowd laughing]
"Archery repair shops."
"What did he say?"
"Did he say archery?"
"Decoupage centers."
"Caterpillar sanctuaries."
What the fuck is going on?
What's happening?
Anything about restaurants?
"No, that's tangerine tier, that's"
"You don't know this? You don't"
"That's a year and a half away, but"
[crowd laughing]
Such a drag.
And then a few months after that,
there were some whispers of a vaccine.
Remember that?
[whispering indistinctly] Jab, jab, jab.
[whispering]
Puh-fizer, Puh-fizer.
I don't know how to say it. Puh-fizer.
[crowd laughing]
But then,
out of nowhere
after all this time, like a year,
suddenly three vaccines
came out the same day.
A little suspicious. I didn't give a fuck.
I'm willing to look the other way.
Jab me. Let's go eat.
You know what I mean, like
a little sketchy.
-[crowd cheering, applauding]
-The same week.
I'm all in. I do not care.
Let's go.
And it was, actually,
like a horse race for a while.
'Cause it's like, "Here comes Pfizer."
"Pfizer looks
like it's gonna be out first."
"Oh! There's Moderna coming around
that corner. Moderna, Moder--"
"Who's this? AstraZeneca
pulling up by a hair!"
[crowd chuckling]
Anyway, Pfizer wins,
and then Pfizer comes out,
and the guy's announcing it.
And they're so proud,
they're like, "We're Pfizer." [cheers]
"We are 90% efficacy."
And I'm like, "What did you say to me?"
I swear to God. I thought
he was saying efficiency wrong,
because I went to community college.
I don't know anything.
And I told my friend,
"This idiot said it wrong
three times in a row,
and no one said one thing about it."
[crowd laughing]
"We're 90% efficacy Pfizer,
and we have to be
at 45,000 degrees below zero."
And I'm like, "That's okay."
Listen, there's a few quirks
to it, that's fine.
Like, what does my fridge go to?
I don't know.
But you know what? I'll take it.
Next day,
"We're Moderna."
-[grunting]
-[crowd laughing]
"We are 95% efficacy."
Oh.
"And we're room temp."
Ah.
I'm listening.
Next day, "We're AstraZeneca."
[humming whimsical melody]
"We're 96%."
"And we're a bath bomb."
Holy shit!
[crowd laughing]
I'm in.
That one sounds real easy.
[mouthing sound effects]
Fixed.
And then, Dr. Grouchy.
I've sorta had it with him.
I mean, no offense, it's
just buzzkill.
-[crowd cheering, applauding]
-Hammering me with bad news.
No bedside manner.
Every time he sees me, it's like,
"What do you think?" "Gonna be worse."
"If I had to guess
with absolutely no information,
I'd bet on worse."
"Everything will be bad
to worse to shitty."
No matter what. I'm like, "Goddamn."
"Any hope, dude? Let's mix it up."
"Second opinion?"
"No, I'm your guy, and it's bad."
And then, they always have
a running death count in the corner,
which was horrifying.
I'd block it with my hand
'cause it was such a drag,
and it was the Jerry Lewis Telethon.
We're like, "Tiffany, roll it."
"Oh, we hit a million!" Like
That doesn't make me feel good.
[crowd laughing]
Grouchy. And he was always like,
"Oh, by the way" he kept going,
"There's gonna be a fifth wave.
I warn ya, fifth wave."
And there was a fifth wave,
and he was jizzing on it.
He was so happy it came true.
I was like, "Goddammit!"
He's like, "Back on TV!
Makeup. Here we go. Ring light."
[humming]
[crowd laughing]
"Oh, it's gonna be bad. Fifth wave."
"It's gonna be worse than Rocky V."
No, it's not.
It's not gonna be worse thanRocky V.
What are you talking about?
But you do sound
like the trainer in Rocky V.
[in accent] "This one's
gonna hurt you permanent, Rock."
"Permanent and it's gonna
put you in a body bag."
[muttering indistinctly]
[in normal voice] Three people know Rocky.
[crowd laughing]
Actually
actually, when I heard, uh
when I moved to Los Angeles,
I heard a rumor about Stallone
because, you know,
I guess last year he
he was accused of some "me too" stuff.
And I don't know if it's true,
but that came out.
And then I remember when I moved to town,
I heard some dumb rumor about him
that was like,
"Oh, uh, his wiener doesn't work."
Wiener doesn't work. You heard me right.
And I go I'm, like, at a keg party going,
"What happened?"
And they go, "Yeah, 'cause
in Rambo 3, I guess he took steroids, or"
You know, which I did see.
I won't tell you what happens, but
And I guess
And on top of that
Ridiculous, this is what they said,
"He's, uh he's got a pump in there."
"Like a perfume pump
on his hip to make it go up." I go,
"Is that poss--? No way."
[crowd laughing]
I go, "There's no way that's true
because I'd have one."
[crowd laughing]
Who wouldn't?
Give me three.
Give me a couple of backups.
Like, why not?
I mean, how great!
I just picture him at a party back then.
He's got some lady friend in his mansion.
He's like, "Hey. After this,
uh, drink, maybe we, uh,
head up to the master bedroom."
[blowing rhythmically]
[crowd laughing]
What, what, what?
Huh?
And she goes,
"Uh, actually I'm probably
gonna have one more drink after this."
He goes, "Not a problem."
-[exhaling slowly]
-[crowd laughing]
Dammit.
In fairness,
that joke is mostly sound effects.
It's sorta built around it.
We'll cut this part out.
[crowd laughing]
[grunting]
[cap clattering]
I'm gonna be sore tomorrow.
Ugh.
[crowd laughing]
[David laughing]
I actually had a big coat
to wear to Minnesota.
-[man] Yeah!
-[woman] Yeah!
-[crowd cheering]
-[David laughing]
By the way, they weren't bullshitting.
There was a minus in front of the number.
I was like, "There can't be."
[crowd laughing]
So I go to LA
to some hoofy doofy store, and I say,
"I need a big winter coat."
And they go, "Oh, this is a great one."
"It's a puffer, but it's covered
in leather on the outside."
I go, "Oh!"
And they go,
"A lot of rappers are buying it."
-I go, "Sold."
-[crowd laughing]
If someone else said it was cool
and they're rappers,
I'm buying it. Not a problem.
So I go to buy it.
I put it on, and then I go,
"I can't wait to go skiing in this."
Then he goes, "Ayee"
"I wouldn't take it skiing."
I go, "You wouldn't take
your winter coat in the snow?"
He goes
"Would you take in the rain?" "No, no."
"I wouldn't take it in the snow,
rain, sleet, hail, flurries, drizzle,
bluster, wind,
dawn, eclipse"
[crowd laughing]
"twilight, or dusk."
"It's more of an indoor coat,
to be honest." I go, "Yeah, yeah, yeah."
"Like the living room?"
He goes, "Kitchen. Yeah, yeah."
[crowd chuckling]
"Actually, it's more
of an Instagram coat."
"You just sort of take it off,
take a photo,
put it back in the closet."
I go, "All right.
How much is it? 90 grand? All right."
And I bought it because you know what?
I didn't wanna look stupid.
[crowd laughing]
I was on The Bachelor this year,
uh, The Bachelor.
[crowd cheering, applauding]
Bach in Paradise.
Which is a little bit of the--
You know what it is. Right?
[crowd laughing]
Actually, the funniest part
was when I got there
because they
they flew me down to Mexico and they go,
"You're gonna stay in a four-star hotel."
I didn't know it was 4 out of 1000.
[crowd laughing]
I stay in this dump, and it's [chuckling]
It sounds mean, but it's a house,
but the stairs to my room upstairs
are outside, which is weird.
And I'm in there
and it's covered in crabs.
By the way, there's a million crabs
outside and there's 10,000 inside.
And I go, "I don't love crabs."
"They're kind of sickening to me,
and there's too many at once,
and I get overwhelmed
and they're fucking scary."
And I tell a guy,
"There's too many crabs."
And he goes, "It's crab season." I go
"I But not in my house.
Like, it can be out there."
And he goes, "But they're crazy."
I go, "These aren't answers."
"This is Do you get what I want to do?"
"I don't want them here, 'cause they scare
the fuck out of me,
'cause I'm kinda a puss,
and they're gross,
and they walk sideways,
you know, and that's unsettling, at best."
What, what, what?
[crowd laughing]
And then you look at 'em and they go
[droning]
They stand up and go [clacking]
Like, "Chop, dice!"
They just want to kill.
They're not scared of you.
They're just spiders with good PR.
I don't know how everyone's into crabs.
And they tap on windows. [clacking]
They're all They're fucked up.
So the guy is like, "Uh, yeah," you know?
And so I go,
"I need less than 100 in the house."
And then even in my room,
which is, you know, second floor,
they're just all in there waiting for me.
There's seven minimum when I go to bed.
I'm going to bed and the guy goes,
"Oh, they won't go on your bed."
And I go, "Well, they climbed
a 60-foot wall to get to my room."
[crowd laughing]
"I think they can handle
my Sealy Posturepedic mattress."
'Cause the lights are on,
so I'm sleeping like this
And they go like this [clacking]
And then I open my eyes and they go
[crowd laughing]
And then I go
It's Squid Game.
You know, it's red light, green light.
I don't like it.
How did they see it first?
[crowd laughing, applauding]
And I go,
"How are they getting in my room?"
Meanwhile, I look.
It's this thick under my door.
The crabs
don't even have to go smash down.
They're like, "Jama Day. Hey" [humming]
They come right in. Nobody cares.
And then I'm down with the guy
and I'm trying to explain that I don't
like them falling off the ceiling on me,
which they do.
And he's he's like, "Oh" You know?
And I go, uh I look at the stairs
and there's a tail going up the upstairs.
A furry tail. I go,
"Hey, what's, uh You catch
that tail heading up to my room?"
And he goes, "Oh."
"Uh, that, uh, might be a haguar."
[crowd laughing]
"I'm sorry. I didn't catch that."
He goes, "Haguar."
I go,
"You're not by any means
saying jaguar, are you?"
And he goes, "Yes."
"And you're not saying it happy?"
You should be like,
"Yeah. Fuck, man. A jaguar!"
"You might die," but he goes, "Yes."
And he goes He gives me the good news.
He goes, "But you know, not too many."
[crowd laughing]
Okay.
I go, "I've heard one
can cause a ruckus, but sure."
Anyway, I look again
and the tail comes down. I go, "Oh!"
And he goes, "Oh, no. It's just a lemur."
And I go, "A lemur. Thank God."
I have no idea what that is,
but I go, "It's gotta be better."
[crowd laughing]
And I go, "Lemur."
And I see them 'cause they're
on the glass trying to get in there like
[clacking]
And they're tapping
and, like, Morse-coding their friends,
going, "Kill at midnight,"
and they're all gathered around
and then the lemur comes up,
and I go, "Hey. This is cute."
He's like, "Yeah." He picks up
three crabs and goes [chomping]
I go, "Goddamn!"
He goes, "You're next. You're upstairs."
I go, "What do you know?"
[crowd laughing]
The guy's like,
"Well, time for me to go." [chuckling]
"Is it lemur season? What's happening?"
Anyway, he leaves,
I go to Bachelor in Paradise,
which is basically a Toyota fuckathon.
You know. You're nodding your head.
I mean, good God.
Whatever.
[crowd laughing]
Anyway, enough about that.
I'll tell you about my sweet mother.
My mom.
I went home for Christmas.
She's very sweet.
We took pictures at dinner,
she put them on Facebook within minutes.
Didn't clear it with anyone.
Um, that's how she does it.
Got five likes. She's stoked.
[crowd laughing]
Um, but now she has a dog
named Scooby, who's very cute.
She has, um,
a dog named Scooby, and Scooby
is a cute, uh, wiener dog, and very
very skinny with the one ear up and
[barking]
But now Scooby is super fat.
Because he used
to look like a young Brando.
Scooby is like this, you know,
and then now looks like Brando
in Godfather 10, like
He's so fat from Snausages,
and when he barks, he's like
[strained barking]
It's a fat bark. You know what I mean?
It used to be [yipping]
Now it's like. [coughing]
[crowd laughing]
I go, "Are you barking? Are you coughing?"
So when she leaves, she feels guilty,
and he eats 24 hours a day.
And then she has a thing
called a Furby, or something,
that shoots them
out of the wall [vocalizing] like
More food. When she's gone
to Costco, "Oh" [vocalizing]
And then he's like, "Huh?"
Ear, "Oh!"
Because he's like, "Are there ghosts?"
And instead of being scared,
he's like, "I'll worry about
the paranormal activity later."
Let me eat this fucking Snausage.
So he's like [moaning]
Crawls over, like, under the barbed wire
like boot camp. You know? [grunting]
Then he gets to it
and he's like [sniffing]
[breathing deeply]
"What am I doing
with my life,
eating constantly, and"
"My life is on a circle of just
stupid munching and getting fatter."
"Obviously, I'm gonna eat it.
I'm just sort of thinking out loud, but"
[chomping]
Then [vocalizing]
back to the couch.
And then, when I come over,
I go, "Scooby!"
And Scooby's like this.
"Ah, come here."
[crowd laughing]
I go, "Fuck you!
Scooby, you run to the door."
"I'm the people, you know?" And he's like,
"Sit with Scoob! Come here."
"Come on."
"Have a little sit with Scooby."
Get fucked.
[David chuckling lightly]
I shouldn't say that to a dog,
but you know.
You know how it goes.
[whispering] Scooby
I'm not gonna tell you about that.
I will tell you
that my neck gives me trouble.
So I got a massage.
I try to get a professional massage
at a very nice hotel.
So I go to the masseuse.
You know, I call down.
And I don't wanna sound like a creepo,
but I go, "Can I get a girl masseuse?"
I always do. Give me a girl
so I look like the tough one. You know?
-[crowd laughing]
-[David laughing]
So they go,
"Sure, it's not a it's not a problem."
But here it is five o'clock.
And I'm like [moaning]
-Then I hear
-[thudding]
I go, "Good God."
I walk over.
[honking] I look through,
and it's 6'5" Dolph Lundgren
[groaning]
like, out there, and I go, "No, no."
I go,
"I'm sorry. Are you looking
for the steroid machine?" He goes,
[in accent] "I am masseuse."
I go, "No, no, no. Not for me."
"I said a girl."
He goes, "There is no girls left."
"It's just me, but I'm a teddy bear."
I go [chuckling]
"I don't know why.
I don't like it. I don't want it."
He goes, "No, trust me."
"I look big and strong."
"I'm a teddy bear,
and they charge you either way."
I go, "All right. Come on in."
Because my chintziness,
you know, won that one.
So he comes in,
and I go, "Let's just try it out."
So he picks me up like aragdoll
and throws me on the
I go, "I can get on the table, sir."
[crowd laughing]
Makes me sound like the biggest pussy.
He goes [grunting]
I go
[crowd laughing]
And then I go [grunting]
like I can barely get on the table.
I go, "Okay.
Well, I didn't know it was this high."
And so
I put my face in the circle, and then,
"You let me know
if there's any instructions
because again, I am a"
I go, "Yeah, yeah. Teddy bear. Just go."
So Because I'm the type
that never complains in the massage.
And he goes like this
[crunching]
My face is going.
[groaning loudly]
Then he goes snap
on my neck. I go [screaming]
Then I, finally I just go,
"A little lighter." And he goes
[shushing]
[crowd laughing]
You don't shush.
I'm the customer.
And then he goes
[crunching]
I'm like, "Ugh, ooh, aah."
Keeps going. Keeps going.
I'm in horrifying pain for a solid hour.
Everything's painful.
Nothing's fun about it.
And I had the balls
right in the middle to go,
"Maybe pull it back 10%."
[shushing]
I shushed like a pussy.
I lay down there, hor--
And then I get up and tip him.
Psycho.
I'm psycho.
Tip.
The worst.
I tip.
[crowd laughing]
I go, "Dude" And then I apologize.
"I'm sorry. I just didn't mean to like
I just feel weird 'cause you're a guy,
and I I don't like
to feel arm hair on my back,
or your boner
jamming in my ribs, you know?"
"I'm old-school."
[crowd laughing]
But my friend said,
"Oh, if your neck hurts,
go to this weed store
in LA on the street called Yucca."
Yucca, you don't even need to know.
It's the skankiest,
roughest street in Hollywood.
It's so gross. Everyone's
getting killed there at all times.
I never go on it.
I don't even go to the 7-Eleven there.
And then they go
You're supposed to park
and just voluntarily go in a place
on the worst street in America
where when there's a shooting,
even cops go, "It's Yucca."
You know? They text each other,
"Yucca." Shrug emoji.
[crowd laughing]
Squirt gun. Hey.
So I go.
And it's not
the Apple clean, iPhone store.
No. It's Looks like World War Z.
And then
[crowd laughing]
I voluntarily go into this shithole,
and I'm like, "Hey,"
and then this guy is like [groaning]
I go, "Hey man,
I need some weed pen or something."
He goes [nervously chuckling]
I go, "Do you work here?"
He goes [groaning sheepishly]
"I'm I have anxiety."
I go,
"I don't give a shit, dude.
I'm sorry, but like"
He goes, "Ugh. My job is hard."
I go,
"Dude, I hated every job
I had my whole life."
I can't take younger kids
that wanna quit everything.
I go, "Dude,
let me tell you some bad news."
"I had anxiety
from when I was born till right now."
"It doesn't get easier, dude.
It all sucks."
"And if you quit, you'll freak out
that you don't have a job."
"So just stick it out, dude.
I'm telling you."
"You think I like being a dishwasher
and a busboy? Just do it."
He's like, "Ah. Stress!"
[crowd laughing]
So then the owner comes out.
"Hey, Mr. Spade."
He puffs up a little bit.
"Hey, Jimmy. We got him."
"I got you, boss."
"Hey, take care of Mr. Spade."
"You get him a, uh
get him some fentanyl crab cakes."
"And will you get him [smacking lips]
some, uh [clicking tongue]
uh, LSD candy corn."
So I go, "No, no.
I'm okay. I'm okay. I'm okay."
He goes, "Well, at least have a gummy
on me as an app--"
I go like this [chewing]
He goes, "Well, don't eat it all." I go
[crowd laughing]
"Don't eat all of that thing?"
He goes, "Just eat the ear."
I go, "Fuck you. It's one inch
of food! Dude, I'm eating it all."
[crowd laughing]
"I should have the ear? That's this big."
He goes, "Oh, you're gonna be
all fucked up." I go, "Well"
"I don't know.
If you give me a cookie, I eat it all."
"Don't tell me to, you know,
eat one crumb at a time."
"Like, put each one in a baggie."
"Like, that's a hit. Like, I get it."
I don't like all this shit because I have
I have vodka soda and two gets me drunk,
three is too much, but I can gauge it.
This is like
I don't know what's happening.
"I can't have an inch?"
"No, I wouldn't." I go
[crowd laughing]
Fentanyl crab cakes.
Meanwhile, fentanyl is,
like, the worst thing in the world.
You guys know, it's
I read it's 100 times stronger
than heroin.
[scattered laughing]
Uh, I'm sorry. What?
What?
Not three, not four, 100 times.
America,
how fucked up do we really need to be?
I mean, good God!
And since when was heroin for pussies?
Honestly, when did that happen?
"You're still doing heroin?"
"No, no. Just till
my fentanyl guy gets here. No, no."
"No, no. Heroin's like ZzzQuil."
"No. I just relax. I just do it to chill."
[crowd laughing]
Jesus.
I've been offered drugs,
and I wish people would be honest.
Like, when people offer me drugs,
I act cool
if I don't want it,
but I don't just say that.
I'm such a loser.
Like, someone offered me heroin.
I'd never seen it.
This guy goes, "Spade." I go, "What's up?"
They go, "Want some heroin? I go, "Uh"
"I'm good."
What am I? What's the pause about?
What am I doing?
What am I wrestling with?
I'm not doing it, but I had to be cool.
I go, "Uh, shit, I just ate. Oh"
"Um, God damn. What time is it? Uh"
"Fuck! Oh, that looks
like a good batch too."
[crowd laughing]
Batch?
"Oh, looks chunky."
"Improving."
"Oh, man, that looks like
it's really got some fucked up shit."
I don't know what I'm saying.
But then I go, "You know what?"
"Can you find me again?
Ask me in a half-hour."
"You swear to God you'll come find me?"
He's like, "Yeah." I'm like, "Cool."
[trilling]
Run to my car and cry.
Because honestly, if I saw heroin,
I'd really want to jump on a stool
and go "Eek, a mouse," you know, but
[crowd laughing]
I, uh
Oh, I look good? Thank you.
Did you say that?
Was I thinking that?
-[girl whooping]
-I
No. I It's funny, 'cause
I I've always weighed about 140.
And the subject of weight
is funny, 'cause with guys
Girls have a lot of pressure about weight,
and guys don't really,
but you try to stay in shape.
And I remember I got weighed the last time
when I was about, you know, 30.
And I weighed about 140.
And then for the rest of my life
I said I weighed 140.
I never checked again.
I never looked again.
[crowd laughing]
"What's your weight?" "140."
So But, you know, you fluctuate.
So I porked up a little along the way.
And it sort of backfired
on me 'cause I was
I was doing a movie,
and when you do movie,
you have to get, uh,
a physical for insurance.
So here's a little
inside Hollywood for you.
So every TV show or movie
you have to do this.
And when we were doing Grown Ups,
I had to go in and get, uh, tested for it.
And Grown Ups is a movie
you've probably seen
because we've been keeping the lights on
at TBS for the last five years.
-[crowd cheering]
-You almost can't not see it.
It's like A Clockwork Orange.
[crowd laughing]
So
Anyway, I get called in and the doctor
But they're so
they're such quick meetings,
they're almost fake.
So I don't even want to go in.
This is how bad I'm getting.
So the doctor calls me and goes,
"Hey, come in for a physical."
I go, "Can we just do this
on the phone, dude?" He goes
"Do, you know,
a physical exam on the phone?"
I go, "Yeah. You've seen me on TMZ."
"I'm out there jumping around.
I'm all good."
[crowd laughing]
He goes, "No. I'd like you to come in."
So I go, "Adam's not gonna like this."
Oh, I shove Sandler
down their gullet whenever I can.
Just to get him quaking in his boots.
[crowd laughing]
But he goes, "No. Just come in."
I use it all the time, actually.
I use it at Taco Bell.
"Oh, you don't have thechalupa today?"
"Adam's not gonna like this."
[crowd laughing]
"You got it now?"
He's like, "Who's Adam?"
So it doesn't always work.
But
So here I am, I go in to the doctor
and he's like, blood pressure this.
He goes, "How much you weigh?"
I go, "140. He goes, "140?"
"Is that what you're trying to pull off?"
I go
[crowd laughing]
"Sir, I'm 140 and scribble it down."
He goes
"Why don't you jump on the scale
and I'll make an honest man
out of you." I go
"Dude, I was kidding earlier,
but Adam is not gonna like this."
He's like [whistling] "I'll risk it so"
So I go over
to this old man doctor stick scale thing.
You know, with the two sticks
and little cinder blocks.
Little black cinder blocks. I go,
"These are 50 each, right?"
So [speaking gibberish]
I'm gonna put this on 100.
And then [clacking] the one-pounder,
I'm going to put on [clacking] 45.
"I'm 145, 'cause I'm such a fat ox,
according to you."
But I'm kind of scared.
"What is he talking about?"
So I go like this
[yelling] You know
'Cause when I get on a scale,
I go arms up, eyebrows up.
Think feathers, you know.
'Cause you wanna be light.
[crowd laughing]
No one gets
on a scale and goes [straining]
You know
I'm like Ariana Grande.
So
I go like that, it goes
[shouting]
Everyone in the office goes "Ow!"
I go, "Oh, hey. I put on a few."
So now I'm panicking. [vocalizing] Sweat.
And then he goes,
"Uh, try again." And I go [exhaling]
"All right. Here we go."
[clacking]
Uh [speaking gibberish]
I put on 150 and then I take
the little one-pounder and Igo
[clacking]
I put it on zero, I go,
"Okay. I'm almost 150. Fuck, here we go."
And then I'm like, "Oh my God."
Wait a second. Shoes off.
Socks off.
[whispering] Pants off.
-[crowd laughing]
-Hat. Wallet. Watch.
I have hairspray in my hair.
Write that down. Here we go.
[vocalizing]
And this thing goes [clacking]
and this guy comes over
with the pure humiliation, over my face.
[clacking]
[crowd laughing]
"What the fuck's happening?"
"Oh, you're cramping up?" [clacking]
[screeching] "Oh, it moved. Stop."
[groaning]
[crowd laughing]
165, I go,
"There's no way
I have 25 pounds of mystery weight
somewhere on my body
that I don't even know about."
And he goes,
"Adam's not gonna like this."
[crowd laughing, applauding, cheering]
[David] Ugh.
My worst fear.
[crowd chuckling]
Then I told a girl,
"Do you know I have 25 blubbery pounds
rolling around in my body somewhere
that I don't even know where it is?"
And she goes, "I know.
I gained the first ten in my boobs."
I go,
"I'm sorry. Is that a fake problem
you're trying to compare?"
"Do you think if I gained
the first ten pounds in my dick and balls,
I'd be worried about it and crying?"
"Oh, my dick's so huge!
I've been eating a lot!"
"Oh, and my balls.
I have to wear sweats all day."
"No. I'd be at Pizza Hut
with every other guy I know."
"Loading up."
[crowd laughing]
My real doctor says,
"You need to come in for a colonoscopy."
I'm like, "Ugh."
I go, "I'm camera shy."
[crowd laughing]
Not very photogenic. And he goes,
"You know, if you don't wanna do that,
there's a thing you can do."
"If you want to try it where you sort of
go to the restroom in a box
and you send it into the lab,
and they check it."
"And if you don't have cancer,
you're off the hook."
I go, "I'll do that. Like, let's do that."
So I poop in a box
[crowd laughing]
I send it to the lab,
they send it right back to me and say,
"Please don't send us this."
"Your doctor's playing a joke on you."
[crowd laughing]
"There's no way we can dig
through a box of your dirty shit
and find out if you have cancer.
Are you an idiot?"
"I dated him ten years ago.
Tell him it's not funny anymore."
Stop.
[crowd laughing]
He goes, "Did you send it?"
I go, "Yeah." He goes, "Excellent!"
"I hate her."
Why am I in this? Why am I involved?
[David chuckling lightly]
I had a great dinner tonight
in one of your beautiful restaurants.
Um, yeah.
[crowd cheering, applauding]
[David] Beautiful town.
Actually, the hostess, uh, tried
to strike up a little jibber-jabber,
you know, which is fine,
but usually goes nowhere
because we're walking ten feet. You know?
She goes,
"Mr. Spade, we're so excited to have you."
"How was your week?"
I go, "I had a little bit
of a health scare." "Here we are."
[crowd laughing]
"I'm sure it's nothing. I wouldn't worry
about it at all, you know."
"I'll get a CAT scan. I'll CC
the whole hostess team. I'm sure it's"
She didn't give a fuck.
And then I sit down, and sometimes
it's such a nice restaurant that the
the fish is market price.
You ever seen that?
They don't even tell you how much it is.
I think the waiter tries to guess
how rich you are, because I go, uh,
"How much is the tuna?" He goes, "Um"
[whistling] "The tuna is"
[speaking gibberish]
"Seventy."
I go, "70 bucks?" He goes, "40, 40, 40."
[crowd laughing]
Oh, it's not too bad.
I think he has anearpiece in there like,
"What is he wearing? Go lower."
[crowd laughing]
"What? Is he wearing
a cowboy shirt? Go lower."
[David chuckling]
Yeah, but sometimes
just if they act too hoofy doofy,
I stupidly will say "shrimps" wrong,
just to see if they correct me.
So it's always
so dumb.
I go, "Do you guys have any shrimps?"
And he goes
[crowd laughing]
"Yeah."
"Yeah. We do. We, uh we do have shrimp."
But he can't he has to help me,
but he doesn't he just can't say it.
And I go, "Oh yeah?
Oh, cool, cool, cool, cool."
"Do you have, uh, like, five shrimps?"
[crowd laughing]
"Yeah. There's a scenario
where you could get five shrimp."
"There's no way you could take ten shrimps
and jam 'em in a circle."
"Make a shrimps cocktail."
He's like,
"No one ever said fucking shrimps cocktail
in the history of the world."
[crowd laughing]
I go, "What are your fishes?
Honestly. Do you have elks?"
I like to go to McDonald's. I go,
"What's your Filet o' Fish of the day?"
[clearing throat]
"I think yesterday was a branzino."
"I think."
[crowd laughing]
Stupid.
But then
my phone was running low
and I was like, "Oh."
I wanted to plug it in. The hostess goes,
"I can plug it in for you."
And I go [groaning]
"I'll just take it from you."
I go
[groaning]
[whispering] Terrifying.
She goes,
"It'll be just around the corner."
I go, "Where I can't even see it?"
[crowd laughing]
I'm not giving it up.
Now I know how Alec Baldwin felt.
I get it, man.
You don't want to give up that phone.
There's too much stuff on it.
They take his phone,
they're looking for one thing.
Some text saying,
"I'm gonna put real bullets
in the gun and surprise everyone."
If it's not that,
what are you looking for?
I don't want that hostess
to roll through my camera, you know,
and find those 500 dick pics
that didn't make the cut.
[crowd laughing]
Did not make the cut.
Mine's not showing well, guys.
I got bad news.
What? You know. And that's you gotta
That's currency.
I mean, this is a new world.
That's You used to have to do that.
You know what I mean? At the end.
Now you lead with it.
Hey. Here's my dick. If you wanna
You like it? You wanna meet for coffee?
We have any chemistry or
So far so good.
I'm so old you used to, uh, have to sketch
out your dick to give it to a girl.
You know? Like, before cameras.
[crowd laughing]
Shading.
But actually, I told my friend,
I go, "Are you taking these pictures or"
And he goes, "Yeah." And I go, "You are?"
I go, "Show me one, but don't be a weirdo,
but I want to see. Like what"
And he shows it to me and it's like this.
I go,
"You didn't even get a courtesy rod?"
He goes,
"She knows if she likes it, I send the"
I go, "That's not how it works, dude."
"It's likeEminem. You get one shot."
"You're out!"
"No one's looking for potential."
"What are you talking about?"
And I asked this girl, I go,
"Uh, do you get 'em?"
She goes, "Ugh. They're horrifying."
I go, "Well, I have to take one.
So, what do I do?"
And she goes, "There was one."
I go, "Okay. What was the one you liked?"
She goes, "Well, he was laying
on his side. It was from his feet up
and he had it in a chokehold,
on his elbow." I go
"I gotta get my buddy involved?"
That's so horrible.
"Hey. Before the movie, real quick."
"Just gonna take everything off."
"Don't be weird. And I'm gonna lay down,
I'm gonna slap together a partial,
get a little floater going."
"I'm gonna slam it in a drawer."
"Just get some a couple ccs of plasma."
"And listen, I'm gonna choke it,
and you take pictures
on three. All right?"
"And, actually, take my camera
and you're gonna take way too many."
"I'll do the kills later."
"Just [trilling] like, go nuts."
"All right? 1, 2, 3."
Choke, choke, choke.
Go, go, go. Now, now, now.
[crowd laughing]
It's worse than helping me move.
I tried it. I go,
"I'm just gonna take it in my house."
Like, the worst lighting. I know nothing.
I'm just like, "In kitchen."
[crowd laughing]
[speaking gibberish]
Just naked.
Horrifying fluorescent gross lighting.
Really bad.
Uh,
backyard drone shot.
[buzzing]
But I had a rod.
So, it sort of canceled it out. You know?
It was like a sundial.
[crowd laughing]
And then I took one from behind.
[speaking gibberish]
My dick wasn't even in it.
But you know what? I'm trying things.
I'm brainstorming.
It was all balls.
[crowd laughing]
It was a niche market. [chuckling]
And don't lay down on a couch, guys.
You get that bird in a nest look. That's
[crowd laughing]
unappealing.
A lot of unfollows, a couple of blocks.
Two reports.
[David laughing]
Ugh, I'm trying to watch more porn.
It's tough, you know? I just
Actually, I have some good news.
I did have
a threesome recently in college.
-[crowd cheering]
-Yeah.
The college threesome is, um
Wasn't great. I, uh
It was me, my buddy, and this other dude
and here's what happened.
Here's how we did it.
-[crowd laughing]
-You know, here's
Listen.
The third was supposed to be a girl.
That was the whole plan.
And then we had it all set up
and then she flaked at the last minute.
And I said, "Let's just grab him.
Let's just run through it once."
"Let's just get the beats down.
Let's just see if it even works."
I mean,
do the blocking.
And uh, in hindsight it was a little gay.
You know what? Because
I didn't think it through and it was.
It was fine.
But later
about ten years later I had another one,
but that was screwy
because it was me and a guy and a girl.
We're in a hotel room getting ready
for a concert, everyone's drinking,
and someone goes, "Let's do a threesome."
Everyone's like, "Yeah."
No one really knows what that means.
And so I go to get a drink
and then they hook up
and he walks away and goes, "You're up."
-And I go
-[crowd laughing]
This feels like sloppy seconds to me.
Am I crazy? I mean, it was sold to me.
I feel like I might have
some legal recourse
because There should be
a lawyer commercial for this
'cause there is for everything else.
"Have you ever been sold a threesome
and it was really sloppy seconds?"
Yes! Yes, I have.
"You may be entitled
to some compensation."
[crowd laughing]
Ah.
This is my mesothelioma, guys. Let's
But I try to watch porn.
You ever watch porn websites?
My buddy goes, "Watch this one."
I go, "Oh, I can't watch another one."
I've only seen,
like, 500 million videos, but I go,
"Oh, I'll see what's out there." You know.
But I don't wanna
get stuck for three days.
You know, I just want to go in and out.
So I just type in "hand job video,"
the easiest one.
Just just get get a feel for it.
So it comes up and then under it it says,
"Other videos we think you'll like."
[crowd laughing]
Have you ever seen
the other videos they think you'll like?
First one,
"Teenager gets gangbanged in an elevator."
I'm like, "I'd like that?"
"Yeah. Yes, you would."
I go, "No. I did hand jobs."
"That's the ea-- That's nothing."
"No. We've run some analytics on you."
"No, you haven't. I punched three keys."
"You're in a really dark place
right now." "I am?"
"Hand job."
"Oh, you're gonna watch it now
or in a week from now."
"What's it gonna be?"
I'm like, "Ugh. Now."
[crowd laughing]
This thing knows me
better than my therapist.
But I did think
that they all have big wieners.
And I was like,
"Ugh. I wish I had a huge porn wiener."
And then
And then I thought, "But do I?"
Like, this'll probably never happen,
but if I find a bottle,
if there's a genie in it
And so many things have to happen,
but let's say [whisping] it comes out
and he goes, "You get one wish."
No, wait. I can't do it.
You know what I mean, 'cause
Too selfish.
There's so much going on
I could fix. You know?
I wouldn't do it. If I had ten wishes.
[groaning]
I'd probably bury it
toward the end. You know?
When the genie wasn't even
paying attention anymore. Like
I'd get all the good ones. I'd cure this
[muttering] but at the end, yeah.
But if I had five, that's a tricky one.
Five? [groaning]
Don't make me even think about it
because I think it would be number five.
I know.
I'd cure some stuff, but fuck,
sometimes the house wins. You know?
That's how it works in Vegas, man.
[crowd laughing]
Shiite.
No, but I was, uh, on the old laptop.
You know what clickbait is? You do.
Clickbait is I'll tell you.
I did a show in Nashville.
Someone had a, uh, seizure in the back,
and they dragged him out,
and then the next day on Yahoo
it said, "David Spade
stops show because of seizure."
So it's sort of
a clicky headline that doesn't
You don't know what it means,
but it's a trick to get you to click on.
Usually you click on it
and you go down all these wormholes,
and it's all these windows
and it's like a trick.
So it's better than every other article.
So here I am stupid.
I know what it is and I'm watching,
and it's like "Cardi B does this,"
and "Minnesota weather," and then it says,
"What's the one vegetable
Tom Brady refuses to eat?"
[crowd laughing]
What?
So stupid. Who cares?
What is it, a coconut?
[crowd laughing]
It's so dumb. And then I go down.
But it's all blurry because I can't focus
because that's all I think about.
And they got me.
So I go all the way back
and I clicked on it,
and here we go.
First window. "Tom Brady
was born in Northern California."
Mm-hmm.
Next.
"Tom Brady started playing football
at the age of seven."
[crowd laughing]
[smacking lips]
Where are the fucking vegetables
that you swore to God
you would tell me about?
I'll save you 27 clicks.
It's a tomato, ladies and gentlemen.
I was way off.
But I can't take it
because four minutes later I'm down there.
Weather? Football? And it goes,
"You'll never guess
what this '80s actress looks like now."
[crowd laughing]
Oh boy.
Um, I will save you
55 clicks and two and a half hours.
She looks like shit, ladies and gentlemen.
It's so mean.
I mean, she aged 30 years in 30 years.
That was her big crime.
Sorry she doesn't look like
she did on Gilligan's Island. You know?
And the next one said,
"Look at this motherfu"
It was me.
[crowd laughing]
"What happened to this guy?"
And it was a good picture.
Oh boy, but that's not
That's neither here nor there, guys.
[groaning]
I remember the last day
before the old, um
You know, lockdown.
My big day was Went to IHOP.
-You do know what IHOP is?
-[man] I do.
Okay. We're getting somewhere.
Um,
and I found a hair in my eggs,
and I ate them anyway.
Here's what happened.
I didn't wanna wait 20 minutes
to for new ones,
and there was no witnesses.
But it was apube. I should've said that.
-[crowd laughing]
-That makes it a little weird. Right?
Little wiggly pube.
You can tell a pube on sight.
It's got a little wessonality to it.
You know?
And it was still attached
to the guy's balls.
That was the worst part.
[crowd laughing]
I ate around it. I didn't care.
He didn't care. I didn't care.
But he didn't work there. I thought
So, by the way, pubes are out there
and I know girls are like,
"Oh, I'm hardwood, not carpet,"
but guys
Oh,
it is Mount Pubic.
If you've ever been
to the urinal here here,
There's maybe 50,000 pubes in it
and I I don't know how.
You go in there,
just pull your wiener out and pee.
What's the ruckus and commotion?
It's like you're cleaning a brush.
-[yelling]
-[crowd laughing]
Wha What?
And there's ten on the upper deck.
Are they, like
They're they're making a break for it.
Anyway, I don't know.
I'm not gonna fix that tonight,
but that makes me crazy.
So I'm brainwashed into liking beavers
because I grew up with bushes.
I grew up with Hustler
and Penthouse and Play-- You know.
All these had a bush,
and a girl
I finally s-saw one.
I go, "Oh, your bush."
The girl goes,
"Yeah, 'cause I grew up. I'm a woman now."
"That's what happens.
What do you like? Bald?"
"Like a nine-year-old?
Like a child molester?"
I go, "No, no."
But now,
any girl.
"You don't have a bush?"
They go, "Is that what you like?"
I go,
"No, I like, um, bald nine-year-old,
child molester."
She's like, "Good, good.
That's what you're getting."
I'm like, "What is the real story?"
I mean, girls,
get together, figure it out because
the first one makes sense.
And by the way, it wasn't just a cute
little landing strip.
Not when I started.
Oh no. It was a babushka.
-Oh my God.
-[crowd laughing]
It was like home plate.
You know what I mean?
Like, down the legs a little.
It was like crab grass.
You know what I mean?
Tickling the ribs a little.
There's no rules.
It was lawless.
[crowd laughing]
They'd wear those old undies,
looked like an airbag went off.
[David laughing]
I'd sleep on it
like a My Pillow commercial.
[crowd laughing hysterically]
You'd take it off and pull on them
they're three and a half feet long.
[boinging]
Jam down.
[groaning]
So I went to Macy's
the other day to buy some, uh
Just some things.
I had to get socks. I had to get a shirt.
So I go I go to the Macy's in the Valley.
Uh,
it's farther, but I'm about
9% more famous over that one,
so it's worth the drive, you know.
I have an app that tells me.
So I go over there and
First thing I wanna get is socks,
but they don't sell socks like shoes.
It's not size 8, 9, 10.
It's literally "fits sizes 5 to 28."
I'm just glad they don't sell condoms
like that, you know.
"Fits sizes Asian to Black guy."
Because I I sort of know that I'm all
By the way, here's a trick, guys.
Here's a tip.
Buy those Magnum rubs.
You know what I mean? The really big ones?
Just to, like, get girls in a good mood.
You don't have to use them.
Just, like, pepper them around the house.
You know what I mean? Throw one
in the fireplace, one by the Vitamix.
Doesn't even matter.
Like not so obvious.
I use them as coasters.
That's stupid. It's too obvious.
Girl's like, "Oh my God."
I'm like, "What?"
"What is that doing there?"
"That should be on my dick."
[crowd laughing]
Ah?
I'm so embarrassed.
But you really shouldn't wear the ones
that are too big. You know?
Because nothing's worse
than a droopy rubber. Right, gals?
I mean, it's not
It's so embarrassing.
You're like,
"This is this is ridiculous."
"This one is broken. And you know what?"
"I never write a company.
I'm going to fire off an email. This is"
"Dear sirs."
[crowd laughing]
It's always embarrassing
to borrow their scrunchie to keep it on.
"Can I can I use that for one second?
Just to double"
And you don't want it loose side to side.
You're like
Clang, clang, clang goes the trolley
You try to joke it off.
You know? And it's
[crowd laughing]
I wanna invent Magnum Juniors.
Come on Shark Tank!
Magnum and then in little words "Juniors."
So you're like, "Junior."
Thinking ahead.
And then I bought a shirt,
and they have a nine-way mirror in Macy's.
Now, folks,
have you seen yourself from the side?
Don't recommend it.
Um, try to avoid it.
I am barely okay with what I look like
in a one-way mirror.
Do you understand? Like
I'm a six or seven. I read the internet.
I'm more personality driven.
That's fine. That's fine.
I'm okay with that at this point.
I get it, but for me,
looking in the mirror,
I know when I look okay for me.
So I try the shirt on. I go
[vocalizing]
"This one's not too bad."
"This is a, uh,
cowboy sh"
[crowd laughing]
"Is that That's not Is that me?"
"Shut the fu"
"Sickening. That's me?"
"That's me from the side?
That's what the world sees every day?"
"Who invited Gollum in here?"
[retching]
"God damn. It's so sad."
I'm literally like a seven, six, five,
two, two, two, two, two, two.
[crowd laughing]
Brutal.
And then I have no confidence,
so if I go to a bar, I just stay flat.
"Hey. You ladies work together?"
"Oh. All in the same company, huh?"
"That's interesting."
"What are you drinking?
Vodka soda? Vodka soda? I'll do a run."
[crowd laughing]
"Stay flat."
Jesus.
Jeez.
[sighing heavily]
I think my friend's a pedophile, but, um
I'm gonna change gears here.
Um, but I'm not sure.
I feel like I should gather
a little more data before I turn him in.
But, right now, it's just a hunch.
I went over to his house and he's watching
the Little League World Series.
[crowd laughing]
I don't like it.
I even gave him an out. I go, "Hey, uh"
"You know some
you know some kid on this TV?"
He goes, "No."
"But you gotta admit
they're amazing athletes."
Are they? They're 12.
He goes, "Look at the calves
on that one." I'm like, "Later."
Here I go. I'm gonna tiptoe out
while the SWAT team comes in.
But it is a weird world now
where you can't even give someone
compliments about their kid.
You used to be able to. Like, I got a lot.
Um
But, you know, like, someone's
with their seven-year-old daughter,
and if you ever go, "Hey, your daughter"
You can't even say,
"Hey. Your daughter's pretty." They go
[crowd laughing]
What? Come on, really?
Then I get offended.
I want to defend myself and go,
"Dude. I'm not some creep child molester,
and believe me, if I was,
I'm not starting with your kid."
"Believe me, she's not that great."
"Yeah. She's okay."
"If I'm doing that,
I'm starting with that kid
I saw at 7-Eleven three days ago."
"That's number one."
"Yours is [whistling]
way down the list."
"Creep."
[crowd laughing]
Actually, when things happen
early in life,
the, uh you don't know
the repercussions they have later.
Like, just pantsing people
in grade school.
Stupid, funny. We've all done it.
I was 11, where soccer
Someone dared me to pants the coach.
Now, this is such a bad idea in hindsight.
Pants the coach during a game.
And no one tells me he had the biggest
wang, prong, anaconda, dick in history,
and he doesn't wear underpants.
So, here I go.
And I go
[speaking gibberish]
And everyone just went,
"What the fuck?"
And the whole stadium froze.
Especially him. He loved it.
He sat there and let it wave
in the breeze for a while.
"Drink it in!"
[crowd laughing]
Let everyone know who's boss. You know?
He didn't even pull 'em up. He waited
for a timeout, eight minutes later.
He finally goes,
"Ah, you crazy kids."
[crowd laughing]
And then, all the moms started coming
to practice an hour early. You know.
Dressed like they're going to
the Golden Globes or something.
Sure.
Flirting with girls is tough.
You know, sometimes
you flirt with a girl you go
Like I asked a girl out,
and guys, here's a tip.
If they don't text you back right away,
you're dead in the water. It's over.
Because I texted a girl,
took her four days,
and she's like,
"Oh my God. I'm the worst texter."
And I go, "Huh. Yeah."
And then I answer
and then three days later she goes,
"Oh my God, I spaced."
"I'm so bad at this."
No one's bad at texting,
by the way, no one on this planet.
And it's just such a bullshit excuse,
cause I did finally get her out to dinner.
And all night,
she's hunched over phone like this.
[trilling]
I go, "Oh.
I see you're getting the hang of it."
[crowd laughing]
"You're really picking it up."
"Good for you."
So dumb. So dumb!
Oh boy, so
I saw, um,
Caitlyn Jenner at a car show.
You know who Caitlyn Jenner is?
Caitlyn Jenner, when I grew up,
was Bruce Jenner
for a long time in the Olympics,
and there was a little switcheroo
which you heard about, and, uh, fine.
The only part of that
that I thought was alittle interesting
was the name Caitlyn because
that's reserved for 30-year-old girls
in my head.
That's like a psychological trick
to sound younger, which I get it,
but it is a trick.
I mean, listen, my name's David.
It's like Marlon Blando.
Like, who cares about David?
It's so dumb and forgettable.
If I wanted to sound 27, I'd change
my name to Connor. You know what I mean?
And then I'm 27 overnight.
They're like, "Connor Spade,
what's up?" I'm like, "Just vaping."
[crowd laughing]
But it does sound, you know.
It might work.
And Caitlyn, she was like, 71.
You know what?
You don't get to be Caitlyn.
You know what your name should be? Barb.
Barb Jenner, hi.
[crowd laughing, cheering, applauding]
"I'm Barb."
"How are you?"
Or Dottie or Ruthie, anything.
You're not Dakota, you're Dolores.
I mean, make it make sense.
But honestly, even my friends old me up.
I hate getting olded up by my friends.
I have girls.
I go, "Wanna meet my friends?"
I see you coming I go,
"You know Rick, Pete, and Roger?"
They're like, "What the fuck?"
"No, thanks. Sounds old over there."
"I don't need to see him."
[chuckling lightly]
It's tragic.
I have to lie.
"Oh, you know, Aiden, Cayden, and Jaden."
They're like, "Oh! Yeah."
"Let's get a bottle."
[crowd laughing]
And when Caitlyn
came out,
I mean,
all the celebrities were so supportive.
I mean, Courteney Cox and Cindy Crawford
were like, "Caitlyn looks amazing."
"She is so beautiful."
And they're like,
"Oh, you kind of look like her."
"Fuck you. Are you serious?"
"That monster?
Take it back. Take it back."
The guy's like, "You kind of
changed your tune a little bit."
[crowd laughing]
[David laughing]
You're having fun, aren't you? Good.
[crowd cheering]
All right. Yeah.
I love it here, guys.
I love it that you came down.
I got my cowboy shirt.
Things are clicking.
Things are really I did fly.
I flew here on a I'm gonna say Southwest.
Southwest is kind of acrummy airline.
And this does not leave this building.
Um
They First of all,
I've flown them for years. You know.
But when I go in the terminal,
I'm not even a quarter mile away,
and they're like, "Whoa, whoa, whoa!"
"Before you get on board,
we have to clean the aircraft."
It's literally one guy with Febreze
going like this [blowing raspberry]
"All right. Bring them on."
"Bring on the cattle."
And it's literally everyone.
"Number 1 through 1000."
I'm like, "Oh, that's me." [grunting]
It's like electric football. You know,
everyone smashing into each other.
And then
This the flight attendant
has got the shorts on,
'cause they're the fun airline.
Let me tell you a secret.
No one's having fun.
She's not. I'm not.
She's drenched in sweat
'cause Vegas is their hub.
Lingo.
And so she's straddling jetway
to plane like this.
"Get on the plane.
Everyone get on the plane."
"Please, we have to push off the gate."
That's all they care about.
"Push off the gate."
"Push, push. Gate, gate. Off. Go."
And we're in the hall and I'm like this.
And she goes, "Please, quit looking
for an aisle seat. There's none."
"There's only middle seats.
We're the only all middle seat airline."
"It's almost impossible."
"We only have middle seats. And don't even
dart your eyes at the overhead."
"Those are full. They're slammed shut."
"They've been full since 4 a.m."
"We don't have room for a phone cord,
a nickel, or a marshmallow."
"Sit down."
"Put your crap on your lap. You paid $49."
"You made a deal with the devil.
You knew what you were getting into."
"Zip it and shut up."
[crowd laughing]
So I'm sitting there
with my crap on my lap,
and I say to the guy,
"Do you think there's food on this?"
"This guy thinks there's food!"
I go, "No. I was I was just asking."
"Here's the food sitch."
"We have five bags of peanuts left."
"Halfway through the flight
we'll shoot 'em out with a T-shirt gun."
"All right? So look alive. Heads up."
"One of them's honey-roasted.
You might win the lotto."
[crowd laughing]
"If you have a peanut allergy, tough shit.
Two are open already."
"So you're sort of soaking it in,
Madge, so
please crawl and die in the lav."
But they were very nice.
When I left the plane I said,
"You know what?
I just wanna thank you guys
because everyone's calling in sick now
and the flights are delayed,
but I appreciate you coming in."
And she goes,
"I know. I have COVID and I came in."
And I go, "I know, and thank you."
That's what I mean. Above and beyond.
[crowd laughing]
[David laughing]
Porn genie.
I, uh I did take a, um
Oh my God. It's a Rolex.
I did, um
[crowd laughing]
[David chuckling]
Stupid. I
I took a private jet recently,
and I'm only bragging because I rarely do.
You see, I see girls on Instagram.
Why is it every single model
is on a private jet at all times.
You know how expensive they are?
I'm like,
"These girls are hybrid hookers."
It's hard to explain, but
they're not bullhooks, but you know what?
Stay after and I'll tell you.
But anyway, that's not why we're here.
But, I've been on private jets.
I know how much they are,
and they're this big.
They're literally like a thermometer.
They don't show those on Instagram,
it's too embarrassing. I've been on them.
They're two feet high
and it's like an MRI with wings.
I'm like this
[crowd laughing]
[trilling]
[clacking]
[imitating MRI sounds]
You've had an MRI. You've had an MRI.
You've had an MRI.
Get that soundtrack just to chill.
[crowd laughing]
[imitating MRI sounds]
Hammer. Hammer.
But yeah, so I got one juicy plane.
These guys flew me to a gig
in Jackson Hall.
I was so stoked. I took my friend.
We're on the flight,
and I'm like, "Finally, a juicy jet
and I get to live the hybrid hooker life."
So I'm on there, and I'm sitting there,
and it's going well.
And then the pilot comes out,
and he comes out like all doomsday.
He's like this.
[breathing heavily]
I'm like, "Is this joker smoking?"
And he goes, "Here's what's going on."
"Uh, we're about 30 away,
and it's gonna get real bad."
[crowd laughing]
Absolutely no bedside manner.
I go, "It's going to get real bad.
What do you mean? What, what, what? How?"
And he goes, "Well, there's
130 mile-an-hour winds
and there's a full snowstorm,
so it's gonna get real bad."
"But you know what?"
"I say we go for it."
[crowd laughing]
He walks away. I go, "What is it?"
"Did he say 'we're gonna go for it'?
What does that mean?"
My buddy was, "We're going for it."
I go, "Going for what?"
"Is this scary?"
"Should we not do it?"
Then it's like
I go [speaking gibberish]
I'm locked in like a bronco,
my Diet Coke hits the ceiling.
Terrified. Terrified.
You know how some people
laugh when they're scared? I pee.
So I'm pissing all over the place.
Anyway, and then it stops for one second,
and he goes, "Go ask him."
I go [panicked breathing] So I go
[breathing heavily]
[groaning]
I'm already sick.
I go up, I go, "Hey. Earlier"
and he goes, "What?"
I go, "I'm the customer!
You don't yell at me."
"You said something earlier about going
for it. We don't have to go for anything."
"Like, who cares about the stupid game."
He goes, "Hey."
"Listen, if there's even 100 feet
of visibility above the tarmac,
we can legally land."
I go,
"Legally?"
"I That sounds bad.
I don't want to leave."
He goes,
"We got a ten-second window. Sit down!"
I go, "God damn.
Why do I keep doing what you say?"
So I sit down and then this
wham, wham, wham, wham.
Can't believe how scary it is.
And then we look out the window.
Snow, snow, snow. And then blank.
And then [thudding] we hit.
I go, "Did we crash? No, we landed?"
[whimpering]
So I get up and the stairs are like
[hissing]
And I go, "Oh my God. Oh my God. I lived."
And then I go over and I go [groaning]
And I get on the tarmac.
[blowing]
It is a solid mile of nothing.
There is no other plane
within a mile, and I go,
"What's happening?"
And then these two crew guys,
just go like this.
[crowd laughing]
I go, "What what happened?"
They go, "Dude,
you just popped out of the clouds."
I go, "What do you mean?" They go,
"It just popped out from 20 feet up."
"You just appeared."
I go, "Where is everybody?"
He goes, "Oh, man.
37 planes had to divert."
[crowd laughing]
"You're the only one that landed."
I go, "Shut up!"
I go, "Why'd they divert?"
I hear behind me,
"'Cause they're pussies."
I go
-[crowd laughing]
-[David laughing]
You guys, thank you for having me.
[rock music playing]
I love you.
I appreciate it.
[crowd cheering, applauding]
[cheering, applause continues]
[music fades]