Dead Weekend (1995) Movie Script

(Multicom Jingle)
(blues rock music)
- [Captain] We do have confirmation, sir.
The craft was spotted by
radar in the northeast
quadrant of the city.
We don't have a definitive
description yet,
but we know it's an alien.
Just got off the horn
with the state department,
they're not so sure that this alien
poses any real threat
to national security.
- That's good, very good.
- [Captain] Excuse me, sir?
- The street gangs are damn
near taking over the city.
They're making the TWF
look like a high school
ROTC battalion.
We capture this alien, it's a PR coup.
Public's gonna love it.
I want the city evacuated
starting at 1600 hours.
- The (clearing throat) city, sir?
- The entire city.
- Sir, there are four
million citizens in this town
and I don't know if we can
mobilize in eight hours, sir.
- Earthquake.
We'll tell them the TWF
seismologists are predicting
the big one for this weekend.
- Yes sir, but what about the gangs?
I mean how are we gonna convince
the gangs to leave town?
- That's the fun part.
Any citizen giving us
trouble, we just shoot.
We can always say they were looters.
It's a hell of a game plan!
We take care of the street gangs
and boost our sagging
popularity in one weekend!
- [Captain] How would we--
- I want the alien mission kept secret.
If our troops mess it up, we
don't need the press knowing.
Now let's get the ball rolling, Captain.
- [Captain] Yes, sir.
(alarm blaring)
- [Announcer] Please stand by.
- This will be our last special report
before we suspend broadcasting
for the nest 48 hours.
True World Forces
commander General HH Hayden
has ordered a total
evacuation of the entire
three county area.
As of six p.m., the TWF
will impose martial law
within city limits.
The TWF natural disaster unit has issued
a major earthquake alert,
citing a 90% chance
of a quake of eight points
or more on the Richter Scale.
For more information on this evacuation,
we go to the tape of
General Hayden's address.
- Although this evacuation
is only a precaution,
martial law will be in effect.
During previous martial law,
a certain criminal element
has taken advantage
of the situation to rob
and loot extensively.
Unfortunately this requires
the True World Forces
to take immediate action
to protect the law-abiding
citizens of this community
by shooting any suspected
looters on sight.
I repeat, any citizens discovered looting
will be shot on sight.
- There you have a very
stern General HH Hayden
delivering a serious
statement and as you can see
people are following orders.
Metro freeways have slowed to a crawl
as residents leave town by the thousands.
Hayden is remembered for
his use of martial law
during the 4th of July street riots.
Since replacing the National
Guard four years ago,
the TWF has used an iron
fist to keep political order.
- Good evening Mr. and Mrs. America
and all the UFOs in space!
Hey, this is Joe Blow
your special radio friend.
The show is called Hits
From the Flea Market
and I'll be broadcasting
throughout another dead weekend.
I doubt I'll be getting
many requests this evening
and True World Forces
have ordered everyone,
I repeat everyone to leave.
No one's gonna remain in
the city this dead weekend.
Anyway enough blah blah blah blah blah.
This next song "Velvet
Dreams" by the Jenna Tortures
goes out to the woman with the big milkies
in the red convertible.
(rock music)
- [Woman] Evacuation alert.
(sirens whooping)
TWF, total evacuation.
- For the next 48 hours or
until we capture the alien,
you will assume that any citizen remaining
out on the street is a looter,
and any looter should be
and shall be shot on sight!
Are there any other questions?
All right men, good
luck, and happy hunting.
Remember, this is the best
opportunity we ever had
to get ourselves an alien.
Let's do it.
- Can you believe this shit?
- Uh oh, special report
coming in, we go now to Haywood Jablowme
in the news room, Haywood!
Thanks, Joe.
This just in, we have
an unconfirmed report
that tonight the city is going to fall off
the face of the earth.
That's about all we have to
go on as far as facts go.
We'll keep you apprised
of that story as we go.
Back to you Joe.
Hey for those of you near a
radio for that little lady
in the size four suede
mini up in Spanish Town
we send out this lovely tune, Leslie West,
"Waiting for the F Train".
- Jesus and the the Mary
Train, you gotta hear this man!
I got the True World Forces on seven!
Plug in seven.
(blues guitar music)
- Soldiers,
this is your commander, General HH Hayden.
This mission is the most important test
in the proud history of
the true world forces.
I am personally taking
command of all communications
due to the urgency and top
priority of this operation.
We will circumvent and we
will capture the alien.
We will not let looters get in our way.
TWF has a rendezvous with destiny
that is above the rest second to none
and will prevail!
TWF intelligence has just
prevented me with a description
of the alien.
It was spotted and
identified at 2100 hours
and was observed in
sectors six, 14, and 22.
The description of the
alien is as follows.
Female, five foot nine inches tall,
long, dark, straight
hair, Asian in appearance.
You have 46 hours to capture the alien.
Be careful soldiers,
she's from another planet.
(owl hooting)
- [Payne] What was that?
- [Weed] What was what?
- [Payne] That noise.
I just heard something.
Did you hear it?
I think it came from over there.
(radio chattering)
(dramatic music)
- [Payne] Can you read me
down there, can you read me?
Dancer, please respond, what's your 20?
Dancer, are you reading me?
Dancer, meet me on the bridge.
(light guitar music)
(radio chattering)
- [Weed] I'll be back.
- You hungry?
- Nope.
- You're not hungry?
- Nope.
- Well I think I'm gonna get a bite,
couple of beers maybe.
- [Weed] Maybe just a couple beers.
- [Payne] Weed?
- [Weed] Yeah.
- [Payne] Nevermind.
- [Weed] Nevermind what?
- [Payne] Well,
you got that look, you know.
- [Weed] What look?
- [Payne] You know, that dumbshit
hound dog cum possum look
you always get when you see a girl.
- [Weed] Oh, that look, sorry.
(sultry rock music)
(men hollering)
If you wanna roll with me baby
You better roll rough
I ain't got time to
rich no messy scene
I wanna burn good
Now if you wanna ride with me
Better ride rough
If you wanna ride with me baby
- I'll catch you later.
- What, where you are you going?
- [Weed] Gotta get some air.
- Air?
What do you want air?
We got a lot of air right in here.
- Oh no, this is a room full of smoke.
I'm gonna go outside
and get some fresh air
and maybe mosey on down to section six.
- Weren't we just in section six?
- No, your Alzheimer's
kicking in again, kid.
You're a little confused.
We've been to section three twice.
- Oh that's funny.
- Catch you later.
Now if you wanna drive with me
(funky music)
- [Weed] You thirsty?
- My mouth was awful dry.
Excuse me.
- [Weed] What's your name?
- What's the difference?
- That's a funny name.
You want some pizza,
what's the difference?
- Not yet.
Thanks for the radio.
- How come you haven't left town?
- What's the rush?
We just met.
- [Weed] There's an earthquake coming.
- I heard something about it.
- [Weed] You're not supposed to be here.
- You gonna arrest me?
- [Weed] Maybe.
- You gonna handcuff me first?
- [Weed] Is that how you'd like it?
- [Man] We got plenty.
What are you talking about?
- Don't get him started again.
(all chattering)
- Hey, it's the rat pack.
- Cool it brother before
they take the loot.
- We ain't looting so they
ain't gonna bother us.
(guns firing)
- [Man] Good shooting, guys.
- [Joe] There is no quake.
It is all rock solid here in the city.
(dramatic music)
- [Man] Eat lead, sister.
(gun fires)
(rock music)
- Hey, Gonzo.
Yo, hey senorita.
Come over here.
Seen Weed?
- [Gonzo] I ain't seen him, Sarge.
- What's going down out there?
- It's going down, it's a good body count.
Got 12, 15 maybe.
Them looters are like cucarachas
and we're TWF, we're like DDT.
I'm telling you it's operations like this
that makes this country great.
- Absolutely.
- [Weed] Hey, aren't you scared?
- [Amelia] Scared of what?
- [Weed] The earthquake.
- What do I look like?
- You look good.
You look really good.
Now listen.
Something you need to know.
There really isn't an earthquake
and it's dangerous out there.
They're shooting looters.
- [Amelia] They?
- They, us, me, True World Forces.
- [Amelia] But I'm not a looter.
- Yeah.
How do I know that?
- Thanks Warren Buckley Weed.
You're a nice guy.
(bluesy music)
- Hey, dumbshit.
Where you been?
What, you get laid?
Oh don't give me this
innocent wide-eyed crap.
All right, you don't want to
tell me, that's your problem,
but I know you, Weed.
- Really.
- Oh yeah.
Yeah you will screw anything in a skirt
between puberty and death.
Very funny.
- Well maybe I just haven't
found the right woman,
you ever think of that?
- So what are you gonna screw
all of them, is that it?
- No, but I'm not gonna settle
for anything less than perfection.
- So you are what, on a
quest for the perfect woman,
is that it?
All right listen.
You're out there doing a chick,
we're looking for a chick,
you catch my drift?
- Like the crabs.
- Fine.
They have heavy artillery
out there, did you know that?
Now if just perchance
you've made a mistake--
- Whoa, okay.
It ain't her, okay.
- [Payne] How do you know?
- What's the description of the alien?
- Five nine, female,
dark hair, Asian looking.
- This one ain't Asian.
- Well what did she look like?
- Hey, four a.m., still no sign
of the big bad earthquake.
Gee, I wonder where it is?
Hey maybe there ain't
no earthquake coming,
you ever think of that?
Man oh man my Richter
Scale is showing nada
but my bullshit detector
folks is way the fuck
into the red.
- It's gone from bad to worse.
Out of the frying pan and into the fire.
- Maybe somebody's putting
something over on somebody.
This could be one of the
big con jobs of all time.
Of course I could be wrong
but nah, nah, I ain't wrong.
Hey if you're out there,
if you're listening to me,
hey if you're the alien,
female, five foot nine,
black hair, Asian in
appearance, I sure would like to
dedicate a song for you.
Why don't you give me a
call here at the station?
555-JBLO, the number 555-JBLO!
You are listening to the
only station in the city
that plays six minutes
of uninterrupted music!
- [Weed] She's not here.
- Yeah, so you say.
- I'm telling you, she's not here.
- Well well well.
Pizza and champagne, huh?
Still warm.
Yep, champagne and pizza.
You are a trip, bro.
- Works every time.
- Yeah.
You see, I figure you're the kind of guy
who will jump into a pool
before he checks to see
if there's any water,
you know what I mean?
- Why is that, because I like to get laid
more than twice a month?
(breathing heavily)
- [Amelia] Hey, Weed.
You come back for more?
You like that shit, don't you?
- You gonna do it again?
I'm outta here, I am outta here.
- What's going on here?
- What do you mean?
Don't you love me anymore?
You only love me when I'm black?
- What the hell are you talking about?
- Shut up and kiss me, stupid.
- Wait a minute, wait a minute!
Listen, I thought you were different
but I didn't know how different.
- Different from your other girlfriends?
- [Weed] When you said
you were here on vacation,
what did you mean?
- What part of vacation
don't you understand?
Honey, sweetheart, lover,
would you please take me
back to my hotel room?
I like this dump but enough is enough.
(helicopter whirring overhead)
Besides, I've got to start packing.
- [Weed] Packing, where are you going?
- [Amelia] Home darling,
my vacation is over.
- What are you talking about?
There is a whole army out
there looking for you.
They're shooting people left and right!
There's six snipers every block.
- But Weed, Weedy darling,
that's why I have you.
(police radio chattering)
Weed, are you with me, Weed?
- Yeah, I'm right here.
Look, I really should be getting back.
It'll be okay.
- Where are you going?
Don't you want to come in?
- No, no please.
- Amelia.
- Amelia, I know, I know, Amelia.
But if I don't get back soon they're gonna
report me AWOL.
- Absent without leave.
- And that's bad?
- It's not good.
- I guess you better go then, huh?
- I'll be back.
- I know.
(elevator dings)
- [Joe] Rise and shine, cops and robbers!
The early worm stays out of
the stinky mouth of the bird.
It is day two of this
most alien of weekends.
(slow rock music)
There's a small shockwave
Turn into something long
Do you have blood
- Where you been, Weed?
- [Weed] Just checking out a little action
up in section six.
- Yeah, yeah, uh huh.
- Gonzo, could you leave Weed and me alone
for just a second?
We have something to discuss.
- I'm sure you boys need to talk.
- Yeah.
So what happened?
- What?
- With the girl, who do you
think I'm talking about?
Come on.
- Her name is Amelia.
- Amelia what?
- I never got that far.
- What is with you, man?
What are you doing?
What do you bang 'em first
and then you get their names?
Where you going?
- [Weed] Look, you're not my
father, all right tough guy.
- Come on, sit, I just
wanna show you something.
Let me show you something.
Come on, sit down.
You know who that is?
- [Weed] Your wife, Donna.
- That's right.
That's right, that's
right, that's who that is.
You know who that also is?
That is the only woman
that I have slept with
in the last 20 years.
How do you do it?
- What?
- Your libido is out of control, man.
I walk down the streets
three blocks with you
and we run into like six women you've had.
How do you do it?
- Practice, man, practice.
(rock music)
- For those of you who still
don't know what's going down
I think we can safely
say that the possibility
of any earthquake hitting
our city this weekend
is extremely, excuse me, remote.
Now what we do know is
that the True World Forces
have evacuated the
entire city so that they
can track, capture, possibly even destroy
an alien in our midst.
So far dozens of people have been killed.
It's a sad and treacherous
world, isn't it folks?
When a bunch of bullshit
cops can evacuate an
entire city for their own
private bullshit reason!
- You said it, motherfucker.
- And I say we don't let those fools
get away with it anymore.
- What are you saying, brother?
- You know what I'm saying.
- Well say it, brother.
- Oh I'll say it.
We're gonna find us
some T mother W fuckers
and blow 'em another asshole.
- Right.
- Who is it?
- [Weed] It's Weed, open up.
(sultry music)
- [Amelia] Oh great.
- [Weed] Nobody followed me.
- I'm so glad you came back, I want you.
Come on baby.
- [Weed] Honey, slow down, slow down.
- [Amelia] I have no time.
- [Weed] Wait a minute.
- [Amelia] Oh god.
- On second thought.
- [Amelia] Fuck me, Weed.
Fuck me, baby!
- Oh, isn't there a problem?
- A problem?
What problem?
Who am I?
- You're my little alien.
- Weed, I'm your alien.
- The one that we are all looking for.
- And why are we looking for me?
- Because you are from another planet.
- That's right, and did
you ever ask yourself
if I'm from a different planet then,
what's the difference between
your planet and my planet?
- I never thought about it.
- So, what's the difference?
- [Weed] I don't know.
- The difference is, on my planet
we get energy from sex and
on yours you lose energy.
I mean, look at you.
Weed, you're half the man
you were a few minutes ago.
Weed, doesn't it turn
you on when I change?
On my planet it's how
we express ourselves.
But don't worry.
Even when I change, you still
know it's me by my kiss.
- [Weed] No, no, no.
- [Amelia] Yeah.
- [Weed] No, no, no.
- [Amelia] Yeah, come on.
- [Weed] Amelia.
- [Amelia] Weed.
- No.
- Weed.
- No.
- Weed.
- [Weed] Please, no.
- [Amelia] No more?
- Later.
- [Amelia] I love you, Weed.
- Sorry I didn't hear you, what'd you say?
(breathing heavily)
(mysterious music)
- So Weed, you gonna help me?
- What can I do to help?
- Are you with them or are you with me?
Take your time honey, that's
right, take your time.
'Cause you know if you help
me, there's no turning back.
They're gonna mark you.
They're gonna try to kill ya.
Just like you said.
There's a whole army out there.
I need you, Weed.
- [Man] Die looter scum, die!
(all shouting)
- [Woman] TWF rules!
- Hey, how you doing?
- [Man] Good.
- How's everything?
- Good, how are you?
- Keeping the peace, huh?
Listen, have you seen Weed?
- Yeah, your partner?
- You did?
- Yeah, man, how's he do it?
- What?
- Last I saw him he was
bringing a chick to the hotel.
- God.
- Amelia?
- [Payne] Get in here, you idiot!
What the hell are you doing?
- I can explain.
You know how you're always talking about,
you know what I'm saying!
- No, I don't, no why don't
you tell me what you're saying?
What are you saying?
- I think I'm in love with her.
- No, the word is lust!
Weed, the word is lust, L-U-S-T, lust!
Can't you,
let me explain something to
you, okay, are you listening?
Now you meet a girl, you
get a hard on for some girl,
that's called lust, all right?
You get this, is this getting in?
- Yeah, ah!
- Okay, now you meet
somebody, you live with them,
right, 10, 15, 20 years, you have kids,
the good, the bad, and the ugly!
That's love.
- Now let me tell me you something, okay?
You think you know love and
you think that all I know
is lust, well lust ain't
the half of it, pal.
This girl, she's special to me!
- Is this the alien you're with?
You stupid--
- Don't you remember
what you were telling me?
About what it was like when you met Donna?
How you knew you were in love
and you knew she was the one?
Because she was the perfect girl.
Well that's just it.
I met my one, my special perfect girl.
This is her, and you know something?
You know how I know?
Because when I'm with her I
feel like I could live forever.
- You moron!
Man you stupid!
Don't you understand what
you got yourself into?
- I don't care.
- Do you not get it?
They're gonna kill her.
They're gonna kill her
and they're probably
gonna kill you too.
- I don't care, I don't care!
- Fine.
- All she wants to do is go home, Payne!
Don't you understand what
I'm trying to tell you?
- She wants to go home.
- That's it, she's here on vacation!
- Shit, sounds like you
need a vacation, buddy.
Oh man.
- You know what?
You know one thing I know?
I am not gonna let them kill her
simply because she is a tourist.
- I need a beer, bad, I need a beer.
- [Weed] Where the hell's
the justice in that?
- [Payne] Open the door!
- Look, all I know is that
this city is in a crisis
and I've somehow been chosen
to get us all through it!
And like all prophets, I'm
probably gonna wind up fucked!
I'm not saying that we're
bigger than Jesus as a person
or that God is a thing or whatever it is,
I'm just making a point.
Woo-hoo, yeah the Red Seas are
parting and I'm coming down
the mountain carrying these
stone tablets in my hand.
Yeah old Joe Blow is
coming to take you home.
I'll keep you safe in your
little camouflage pajamas,
kids, just watch your
backs you little scamps.
- I found it, over here.
- [Joe] There you have it.
Joe Blow's heroes are
out there, hot and cold,
big and bold, heart and soul.
We're all waiting for the shake to shake
but the shake is a
fake, there is no quake,
it is all rock solid here in the city.
(guns firing)
(rock music)
(gun firing)
- [Man] Look alive, alive!
Dead, dead.
Hey, this man's alive!
- What the hell is going on?
- Looters.
Let's move it!
They're shooting back at us.
Body count's gettin' way out of control.
We've had two mass shootings
in the last half hour.
- [Man] come on!
Come on let's shake it, man!
Get him!
- [Man] Oh god, it hurts.
- [Doctor] Yeah, I need 10
units of O positive, stat.
- Hey what is this?
- Shit's hit the fan, man.
Higher ups are worried it's gonna become
a full-scale insurrection.
- [Payne] Why, what's going on?
- Well it seems like not
everybody was evacuated.
We're getting fired
upon from every sector,
and nobody planned on that
so there's no medivac.
Not only that, that
fucking disc jockey guy,
that Joe Blow, he's totally obvious.
He's broadcasting all kinds of shit
to the looters and the alien.
- Don't tell me nothing.
- Hey listen--
- Hey.
This is war, Weed.
You can't be on both sides at once.
- That's what I'm, listen to
me, that's what I'm saying.
(glass smashing)
I dunno.
- You wanna help her, go ahead.
You wanna die?
- [Weed] I wanna help
her, I need to help her.
- You're sick, you're just, you're nuts.
- I've been looking for a woman
like this my whole life, okay?
- Fuck, look, this is your jugs, not mine.
And you put it some place
and now you can't get it out.
I warned you.
Now whatever you do from
now on, whatever you decide
that's your decision, it's not mine.
But I tell you this.
They tell me to shoot, I shoot.
- Why?
- 'Cause that's the gig.
- Why?
She is just like us!
- No, she's not like us.
She may be like you but she's not like us.
- Hey, Weed.
Who's Amelia?
- You see?
- I don't know what you're talking about.
- What a coincidence.
Some chick named Amelia
dedicated a song to you
on the Joe Blow show.
- Hey Romeo, you know that's
the 15th chick this week
that dedicated a song to you.
- Hey keep those song
requests and heavy breathing
coming in folks, we got
12 lines and no waiting.
Hey I think we got a call, y'all!
I thought you guys had given up on me.
You know how that breaks my heart.
Hello Mr. Blow's office, may I help you?
May I help you?
Yeah yeah yeah, go for
it, go for it, go for it!
- [Weed] Joe Blow?
- No, it's Sonny Bono!
Wait a minute, I'll go get him.
Hey Joe, it's for you!
Coming, Sonny.
- [Weed] This is Weed, you
just played a song for me.
- [Joe] Hey Weed, what
more can I do for you?
Yeah you wanna send a
song out to your baby?
- Now you're sure she said
that her name was Amelia?
- Mm-hmm, that's what she said, yep.
- [Weed] Did she say anything else?
- Yeah, she said a lot of things.
- You've gotta remember,
did she say where she was?
- Listen, Weed, maybe you're
new at this, all right?
Maybe I'll explain it for you.
You ask me to dedicate a
song, I dedicate a song
and that's where our
relationship ends, all right?
Now I'm not sure how many
people are listening tonight
but usually it's
somewhere in the zillions!
Every word you say is
going out over the air
so what's the song, Weed?
Okay Amelia, this one's going out for you.
(rock ballad music)
Hey, looks like we got
ourselves a little romance
blooming here, huh?
Girl and a soldier in wartime, ah!
- Captain, I want this
Blow Joe off the airways.
He's a pain in my ass.
Find him and exterminate him.
- Yes sir.
- And for this TWF soldier
with the big hard on.
Midnight, guess what's on my mind
(helicopter whirring)
(blues rock music)
- Honey, I'm home.
- Mmm.
- [Weed] How'd you find me?
- Well Joe Blow said that
you would be at home.
- It's not safe out there, Amelia.
What are you doing?
- This is kind of a dump, huh Weed?
- Well I kind of like to
think of it as the penthouse.
- Penthouse?
- I see you met the pigeons.
- Does it get cold in the winter?
- [Weed] In the summer
it can be bad, you cook.
But at nighttime it cools off pretty good.
Must be different where you're from.
- [Amelia] We have lagoons.
- Lagoons.
- Yeah, lagoons.
- [Weed] What's the matter?
- Something's wrong.
The air in here.
I just, I keep getting drained of energy.
- Does this happen often?
- Usually I can go as long as a day or two
but now it's like every couple of minutes.
What time is it?
- It's 23:31.
- Well, this time tomorrow
I'll be on my way home.
(sultry rock music)
- [Weed] Home, huh?
- [Amelia] Home.
Where we have lagoons.
- Not so far away.
(breathing heavily)
(sirens wailing)
(helicopter whirring)
(siren wailing)
- Very slowly.
Let's move over to that door.
- You talking to me?
- I ain't talking to the pigeons, babe.
- [Amelia] Mind if I turn around
or are you gonna shoot me in the back?
- Very slowly, very, very slowly.
Hot damn, you don't look like an alien.
- Oh yeah?
What were you expecting?
- I don't know, green skin or antenna.
- [Amelia] Mm-hmm.
- Look, you think we could do this
without waking loverboy over there?
- You're holding the gun,
you're calling the shots.
- Holy shit, how did you do that?
- You ready to die?
Let's see, where's the trigger?
- Take it easy, take it easy,
this is how accidents happen.
- How's that?
- Look, hey, people who
don't know their way
around guns shouldn't
fool around with guns!
Somebody could get hurt.
- Somebody.
- Just, come on, don't, please.
- If I wanted to do the most damage,
where would I shoot you?
I mean if I had only one
shot, where would I shoot?
Your head?
I shot you in the head, huh?
That'd be too quick, right?
Messy, too.
- Put it down, just put it down.
(Amelia laughing)
- All right, little further down.
Your heart?
(gun cocks)
Heart's pretty quick too though, right?
- [Payne] No, no.
- It'd be over just like that.
What if I shot your teeny
tiny little prick off, huh?
- Not so tiny, I'm sorry.
- I bet it fucking is.
Are you married, Payne?
- Yes I am, yes, I've been
married for a long time,
20 years, same woman.
- Yeah, yeah.
You wanna shoot me?
Go ahead, shoot me, but if
you shoot at me and you miss
I swear to god I'll tear off your head
and throw it off the frickin' roof.
(dramatic music)
- Amelia, stop!
- Make her put me down, Weed!
- Please put him down.
He's my best friend.
- [Amelia] He was gonna shoot me.
- Weed!
- Amelia.
Two wrongs don't make a right.
(Payne cries out)
- Weed, that's very wise.
I've never heard that before.
Two wrongs don't make a right.
Huh, course they don't.
- Sweetheart.
Two wrongs don't make a right,
it's a fucking cliche,
everybody says it all the time.
- Not where I'm from.
- You all right, buddy?
What the hell are you doing here?
- You gotta bring her in.
- Why?
- Are you serious?
She's the alien, buck.
- She's a lot nicer to
me than you are, buddy.
- You two boys wanna talk
this out, I'll just leave.
- [Weed] That's a good idea, sweetheart.
Just go inside, I'll meet
you in there in a minute.
- Sure, we can do that.
- Or maybe just 30 seconds.
I think we're falling in love.
- Weed, you're banging the alien!
- I know you think that
I'm out of my mind.
- You got that right.
- It's different this time, partner,
you're just gonna have to trust me.
I can't explain it but I
know that you understand.
It's like, it's like our
fates are somehow connected.
Come here, look, look, it's
okay, come on, it's okay.
(mysterious music)
Oh Christ, not again.
- [Payne] Weed, what's going on Weed?
- I can't explain it,
you just have to go back to the canteen.
- [Payne] Hey whoa, what's going on?
- She changes.
- Yeah?
- It's a long story, I
can't explain it right now,
I need to go in there and talk to her.
Do me a favor, just go back to the canteen
and I will meet you there, I promise.
- Don't do it.
- I know you understand.
- No, I don't.
- I really care for her.
- Which her?
What the one from five minutes ago
or the one that's in there right now?
- Her.
(sirens wailing)
- I'll see you back at the canteen.
- [Amelia] What's the matter, sweetheart?
(dramatic orchestral music)
- You really don't know, do you?
- Oh shoot.
I'm sorry.
I'm sorry, I just, I can't control this.
I'm sorry.
Why are you looking at me that way?
- Well I didn't realize
that you had emotions.
- Well why wouldn't I have emotions?
- You're an alien.
- That is the most
racist, misogynist comment
I have ever heard!
Weed, I'm just like you!
- Come on Amelia.
- Weed, let me explain to you emotions.
Now maybe you never
learned this in school,
but I think everybody
knows that anyone who comes
from a planet that is
mostly water has emotions.
I mean my god, I learned
that in the first grade,
where were you?
- Hey, I'm sorry, okay?
What do you expect?
Every time I turn around
you look like somebody else.
You keep changing, what the hell is that?
- Weed.
Weed, have you ever heard of QSS?
Quadra Synapse Syndrome?
Quadra Synapse is the glue
that holds a super matrix
of DNA together.
You ever hear of DNA?
- [Weed] Yeah.
But not QSS.
- It's the last disease.
In about 20 years, all
disease will be wiped out
from your planet, duh.
What do you call your planet again?
- [Weed] Earth.
- Well, all disease will be wiped out,
but if any human beings still exist
remains an open question.
However, should your people
master their environment
without self-destruction,
then quite probably
QSS will be the final disease.
- And you have this QSS?
Can this disease be transmitted sexually?
- I don't know.
- You don't know?
Come on now, you're scaring me.
What the hell are we talking
about, what is this thing?
- My DNA is constantly in flux.
At any time, anywhere,
my appearance can change.
- [Weed] That doesn't
sound like a disease.
- [Amelia] It's fatal.
- Oh my god.
- Well not right away but if
I continue enjoying my life,
having sex whenever, wherever I want,
increasing my pleasure threshold,
then I'll be dead in say, oh 150 years.
- 150 years?
- 150, 160 more or less.
- Honey?
- But that's on my planet.
I still have to get to the shuttle.
- What's the life
expectancy on your planet?
- Basically forever.
Our leader is the oldest person.
She's 645 years old.
- 645?
- Maximum pleasure, minimum pain.
Don't let me die, Weed.
(rock music)
- Amelia you space temptress, your TWF man
is in your tractor beam.
(imitating beam)
If there's any justice in
this screwed up universe,
you and Weed are loving
each other right now.
Go for it kids.
(mellow guitar music)
- [Weed] Amelia.
- As you well all know
we have sustained scores
of injuries and deaths.
140 of our finest and
bravest men have fallen.
Intelligence has told
us that one of our own
is in league with the alien!
Officer Weed is officially AWOL.
Worse, he's a goddamn traitor.
Our orders have now been
amended to not only capture her
but him as well.
After a five minute court martial,
he'll face a firing squad.
If he gives anybody
resistance, kill him on sight!
That's an order, Officer Payne.
Are there any questions?
- No,
- [Officer] As for that
goddamn disc jockey--
- [Announcer] Repeat, warrant
107 seeking Officer Weed TWF.
Use extreme caution.
(muffled shouting)
He could be an armed renegade
possibly traveling with the alien.
- [Man] I think that sector's clear.
(siren wailing)
- Shit.
- Yeah, deep.
- How'd they find out?
- It's on the radio, dumbshit,
it's all over the radio.
Joe Blow is given like this running comp.
The point is, what are you gonna do?
- What the hell happened?
Did you tell 'em?
- Hey, hey.
What do you take me for?
I'm your partner, you know that.
Now you listen to me.
I'm not gonna be a part of this anymore.
I'm not gonna kill my partner
just because he fell in love
with an extraterrestrial, okay?
I mean an alien hunt, I
can take that, that's okay.
But this, this is, they
can kiss my monkey ass.
- You almost loosened a
couple teeth there, partner.
- Where is she?
- I don't know.
What the hell you think I've been doing?
I've been looking for her, I don't know.
- What, she just comes around
when she wants to get laid?
- Hey McHacker, where you going?
- I don't know, track down some coffee,
get some fresh air.
I mean the air is so stale in here
all my plants are dead!
- Hey could you do me a favor?
- [McHacker] What?
- While you're out there
could you get me some gum
and some dental floss, mint, unwaxed?
- I'm getting out of here!
- If you're passing a liquor store
a light aperitif would go down easy.
- You oughta quit drinking,
you oughta get yourself a sponsor.
- Hey and be careful, the
shit's really hit the fan
out there man.
- Yeah don't worry about it, all right?
I can smell them buttwipes a mile away.
(light music)
- Should be safe here for a while.
Listen, you still have
that little junky radio?
- Yeah, yeah.
- Well if I want to get a hold of you,
I'll do it through that disc jerky,
that Joe Blow, that 555-BLOW, all right?
- All right, wait a minute.
Payne, I just want you
to know that this girl,
she's very sweet, I mean
she's not like any girl
I've met on earth.
- Well I'll see what I can do
to get you back together, all right?
I know how much you like getting laid.
Now sit down and don't move.
- [Announcer] Repeat, warrant 107.
(cries out)
- What's in the bag, boy?
- Just cigarettes, coffee, and gum!
- Well let me see.
- Okay.
- What's your name boy?
- Billy McHacker.
- What?
- Where you going, Bill?
- [Billy] I'm going home.
- Nice suit.
Hey Billy, what are you so nervous about?
Don't you know this city is
supposed to be evacuated?
- Nice hair.
Just coffee?
- I'm talking to you.
- [Man] Yeah that's it.
- Okay, give him the bag back.
- [Man] You know you're an
ugly son of a bitch, Billy.
- I can go?
- Yeah, you can go!
But you better go straight home.
- You better not come back out here again
because next time we shoot to kill.
Okay bye Billy, see you Bill!
Hurry up, Bill!
Man, this is gonna be great.
Hey what do you say we go down
to the canteen, get a beer?
- Sounds good.
Listen to the radio?
- Yeah you know I never
heard a guy get killed
on the radio before.
(gun firing)
- Shit.
(upbeat music)
(phone ringing)
- Yeah yeah, hello, this is Blow.
- [Payne] Okay just listen asswipe.
- That's what I'm doing,
what are you doing?
Thanks honey.
- [Payne] I need your help.
- Hey, I ain't the Red Cross, all right?
- [Payne] Hey shut up
and listen, Weisenheimer.
Look I'm a pal of Weed's
and I need you to help me
hook him up with the alien.
- How do I know you're not TWF?
- [Payne] I am TWF!
- All right, how do I know
that you're not setting her up?
Or him, or her, hmm?
- [Payne] Look, I'm Weed's
partner and I don't have time
to play games, now are
you gonna help or not?
Look, I've seen her!
You don't know what
we're dealing with here!
- Okay, suppose you're on the level.
- Just listen to me, Blow.
She can change her appearance
at the drop of a dime.
She's as strong as a Tyrannosaurus Rex.
Look, there is no way
that anyone can stop her.
The only reason nothing's
happened so far is she doesn't
want to hurt us, you understand?
Look, I'm not doing this for her
and I'm not doing it for Weed.
I'm doing it for us.
- [Joe] All right, I think I got you.
- [Payne] Hallelujah!
- What do you want me to do?
This next song is a
re-request of something
we played earlier this dead weekend
and it goes out to the perfect paradigm
of female pulcritude, sweet Amelia.
Remember the first time you met?
The woods, the water, the moon, the stars?
Come on guys, get together!
It's the one thing I love about this job,
bringing people that should
be together, together.
Not gonna let an army stand in
the way of true love, are ya?
- [Announcer] Warning,
sector 17 is now clear.
Everyone caught in this sector is subject
to immediate arrest.
(rock music)
Warning, sector 17 is now clear.
Anyone caught in this sector is subject
to immediate arrest.
Was to match mine
- You don't think this is
a paranoid universe, folks?
Alien comes here all the way from space
and TWF hunts her down like a rabid dog.
Now, that's good news.
The alien.
Tears in your heart
I wanna wipe them away
I would sooner walk
through a sea of fire
Sooner walk through a sea
I would sooner walk
through a sea of fire
- Look, the alien, the
alien, it's a classic story.
Girl meets boy.
Girl loses boy.
Girl meets girl.
Girl, boy, girl.
Girl boy girl, so girl
and then girl and boy
go to another planet.
And we're safe too.
(helicopter whirring)
(alarm blaring)
- [Man] Halt, who goes there?
- Peckinpaw.
- Guns up, guys.
Sorry about that, we're looking for Weed.
- Isn't everybody?
- [Announcer] All sectors,
we've just received a bulletin.
Weed has been apprehended in sector 11.
Intelligence is on its way--
- About time they caught that Weed.
- Let's go, sector 11, that's us.
Just on the other side
of that park, let's go.
- You coming, Peckinpaw?
- I'll secure the area and catch up.
- All right, let's go assholes.
- She's over there.
I think she's sick.
Look, I can't hold 'em forever.
- Hi.
- Hi.
- The QSS is in remission.
I can feel it.
It's going away.
It's like a miracle.
Come over here and kiss me, come on.
(sultry music)
- I love you.
(dramatic orchestral music)
(police radio chattering)
Just take me with you.
- Weed, my parents would evaporate
if I ever came home from
vacation with an earthling.
My people may be evolved,
but you can't imagine
how prejudiced they can be.
- I don't care.
I don't give a shit about
prejudiced or evolving
or your parents.
Do you understand?
(wolf howling)
I only care about you and
I only want to be with you.
(suspenseful music)
I lost you once and I don't
want to lose you again.
- We gotta go, they're coming.
This one was a scout.
- [Amelia] My ship!
- [Man] Surrender immediately,
repeat, surrender immediately!
Surrender immediately,
repeat, surrender immediately!
(guns firing)
(all shouting)
(rock music)
- We've gotta go.
(guns firing)
(all shouting)
(guns firing)
- You love her?
- It doesn't matter, man.
It's all an illusion.
- Go.
What you got left?
Weed, don't you know pride
goes before the fall.
- Payne.
(guns firing)
(gun firing)
(rock music)
(all shouting)
- Goodbye twice, pork chop.
Drop the gun.
- [Announcer] Stand clear of suspects,
they may be contaminated.
Repeat, stand clear of suspects,
they may be contaminated.
- I came in peace.
Let me leave that way.
He means you no harm.
And neither do I.
You came to kill me, but why?
The difference between you
and me is that you believe
you gain power from destruction.
I gain power from pleasure.
Think about that.
(rock music)
(gentle rock music)
There's a small shockwave
Turning to something long
Do you have a blood next to me
He is no longer home
The hurt on your face
must have matched mine
I didn't have to guess
what's on your mind
We're all a thing of
love brick by brick
Trying just to find
what's the cause of it
Don't know how it happened
Too bad everything changed
All the crying tears in your heart
I wanna wipe away
I would sooner walk
through a sea of fire
Sooner walk through a sea
I'd sooner walk through a sea of fire
Lose you and me
Occasion have found
Stopping the time
I'm feeling bad in my insides
My heart my heart
Falls to the floor
I suddenly know I'm insecure
Don't know how it happened
Seems like everything's changed
You're crying tears in your heart
I wanna wipe them away
I would sooner walk
through a sea of fire
Sooner walk through a sea
I'd sooner walk through a sea of fire
Than lose you and me
Lose you and me
Don't know how it happened
Seems like everything is changed
Oh yeah
You're crying tears in your heart
I wanna wipe them away
Wipe them away
Now I'd sooner walk
through a sea of fire
Sooner walk through a sea
I'd sooner walk through a sea of fire
Then lose you and me
Come on baby
I wanna wipe them away
Ooooh, oooh yeah
(Multicom Jingle)