Deadpool & Wolverine (2024) Movie Script

1
[Marvel Studios fanfare playing]
[Deadpool scatting along]
Ta ta ta ta ta ta
Ta ta ta ta ta ta ta
Tan tan ta
Tan tan tan tan
Tan tan ta tan
- Tan tan tan tan!
- [fanfare concludes]
[laughs] That logo music
just gets you pumped.
- [gentle music playing]
- Right?
I'm sorry. I just, I'm excited
to be here. It's been a while.
You know, for a long time,
I wasn't sure I'd ever be back.
Disney bought Fox,
there was a whole
boring rights issue,
blabbity-blabbity-blah.
But then, it turned out,
they wanted me.
The one guy who shouldn't
even have his own movie,
much less a franchise.
[laughs] Marvel's so stupid.
Look, we know the title
of this thing.
So, I know
what you're wondering.
How are we gonna do this
without dishonoring
Logan's memory?
And I'll tell you how.
We're not.
[romantic music plays,
The Platters "Only You"]
I'm gonna let you in
on a little secret.
Wolverine is not dead.
Sure, it made for a perfect
ending to a very sad story.
But that's not how
regenerative healing
factors work.
You think I wanna be out here
in beautiful downtown
North Dakota,
digging up the one and only
Wolverine? No, thank you.
But the fate of
my entire world is at stake.
He may not
be living his best life,
but he sure as hell ain't
- dead.
- [metal clanks]
[crow cawing in distance]
Bingo.
Yahtzee.
[sighs]
Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes.
Damn it!
- Son of a bitch!
- [metal clangs]
You...
- [shovel snaps]
- [yelling]
Christ. Motherfucker!
- My world is fuck...
- [song stops]
[laughs, snorts]
That was weird.
I'm much calmer now.
[The Platter "Only You"
resumes playing]
Look, I'm not a man of science.
But you seem
incredibly passed away.
[flies buzzing]
[sighs]
But it's good to see ya.
I gotta be honest, I've always
wanted to ride with you, Log.
You and me getting into it.
Deadpool and Wolverine
just fuckin' shit up.
Can you imagine the fun,
the chaos...
the residuals?
[in Australian accent]
"G'day, mate.
"There's nothing that'll
bring me back to life faster
"than a big bag
of Marvel cash."
[chuckles, in normal tone]
Me too, Hugh.
But, no. No, no, no.
[groans] You had to get
all noble and die for real.
Goddamn it!
I could really use
your help right now.
[electrical whirring]
[tense music playing]
Wait!
I'm warning you, I'm not alone.
Wade Winston Wilson,
you are under arrest by
the Time Variance Authority...
[Deadpool sniffs] Oof.
...for too many crimes
to list.
- Come out...
- [Deadpool groans]
...and we'll extend you
the courtesy
- of taking you in one piece.
- Death by day-player.
Last chance.
Throw out your weapons
- and come out peacefully.
- [Deadpool sighs]
[Deadpool] I'm not gonna
give you my weapons,
but I promise not to use them.
There are two hundred and six
bones in the human body.
Two hundred and seven
if I'm watching Gossip Girl.
[pop music playing,
NSYNC "Bye Bye Bye"]
- Here we go. Maximum effort.
- Hey, hey
[song stops]
- Bye, bye, bye
- Bye, bye
Okay, peanut.
Guess we're getting
that team-up after all.
- Bye, bye
- Bye, bye
[grunts]
I'm doing this tonight
You're probably gonna
start a fight
[screaming]
I know this can't be right
Hey, baby, come on
I loved you endlessly
When you weren't
there for me
So now it's time to leave
and make it alone
I know that
I can't take no more
[smooches]
[exhales]
I wanna see you
out that door
- Baby, bye, bye, bye
- Bye, bye
Don't wanna be
a fool for you
Just another player
in your game for two
You may hate me,
but it ain't no lie
- Baby, bye, bye, bye
- Bye, bye
Don't really wanna
make it tough
I just wanna tell you
that I've had enough
It might sound crazy,
but it ain't no lie
Baby, bye, bye, bye
Just hit me with the truth
Now, girl, you're more
than welcome to
Maradona from outside the box!
Goal!
Baby, come on
I know that
I can't take no more
- It ain't no lie
- [both yelling]
I wanna see you
out that door
- Baby, bye, bye, bye
- Bye, bye
Don't wanna be
a fool for you
Just another player
in your game for two
You may hate me,
but it ain't no lie
- Baby, bye, bye, bye
- Bye, bye
Don't really wanna
make it tough
I just wanna tell you
that I had enough
Might sound crazy,
but it ain't no lie
Baby, bye, bye, bye
I don't wanna be your fool
In this game for two
So I'm leavin' you behind
Come on, big fella.
Bye, bye, bye, yeah
I don't wanna
make it tough
But I've had enough
- And it ain't no lie
- Bye, bye
Baby
Don't wanna be
a fool for you
Just another player
in your game for two
I don't wanna be your fool,
but it ain't no lie
- Baby, bye, bye, bye
- Bye, bye
Don't really wanna
make it tough
I just wanna tell you
that I had enough
Might sound crazy,
but it ain't no lie
- Bye, bye, bye
- Bye, bye
- [song ends]
- [gasps dramatically]
[operatic music playing]
I am soaking wet right now.
[roars]
To be clear, I'm not proud
of any of this.
The wanton violence,
the whiff of necrophilia.
It isn't who I am.
It isn't who I wanna be.
Who I wanna be?
Well, to help you
understand that,
I've gotta take you back.
A little joyride I took
through space and time,
to the day
that changed everything.
[uptempo music building]
[music fades out]
I can't believe
I'm finally here.
I've waited for this moment
for so long.
Thank you, sir, for seeing me.
I... I firmly believe
that my services could be of
great use to your organization.
Now, I know
I was caught smashturbating
in the lobby of Stark Tower,
- but I can assure you that...
- Smashturbating?
I'm sorry, what...
what was that?
No, I'm sorry. That...
That's when you get those toy,
Hulk hands, right?
And then you just, you look
down, and you just...
you brace yourself,
and you ravage the midsection.
- Pinch the... Yeah. Okay.
- I get it. Okay, thank you.
- The picture's painted.
- You get the gist.
Uh, what exactly
brings you here today?
Why am I... Wow. Okay. Uh...
I... I care.
I know I turn everything
into a joke, but I...
I care, and I wanna use
that feeling...
for something important.
I... I wanna matter.
[solemn music playing]
I need to show my girl
that I matter.
And...
You know,
I feel like I'm wasting
the good stuff here.
Is the man not gonna
be joining us?
- The man?
- Yeah.
I should save this
if he's gonna...
Uh, as far as you're concerned
right now, I'm the man.
- No.
- The man is me.
I am the man
in this circumstance.
- Mm.
- He doesn't do
this kind of thing anymore.
- Cameos?
- Meetings.
- Meetings.
- Entry-level meetings.
Entry-level?
Aren't you the chauffeur...
- maybe?
- I... Common misconception.
- Okay.
- I did begin my career
as Mr. Stark's driver.
- Okay.
- Quickly pivoted to...
- Chauffeur.
- ...the Head of Security.
The Head of...
Of course, yes, yes, yes.
And why I am vetting
your resume.
You seem to have left out
whether or not you had
any experience
as a member of a team.
Could you maybe add
a little bit
of perspective there?
Oh. No, yes, of course.
I was Special Forces...
- Okay.
- ...but I was...
Mainly, I was team leader...
founder, really, of X-Force.
Sadly, they... they all
perished in action though.
Oh. How exactly
did that happen?
Well, the police say gravity,
but if...
Just between us,
they didn't test well
- in the focus group.
- I see.
- Particularly Cable.
- X-Force.
Whoa, whoa, whoa.
Look, I can see
this isn't going well.
Please stop writing.
Look, I... I...
I'm just...
I wanna be an Avenger.
I wanna be an Avenger.
Why do you wanna be an Avenger?
Look around you.
I mean, they're the...
they're the best of the best.
And... And what
they do matters.
I need to be an Avenger.
Sir, my girl has kinda
had it with my shtick,
and I... if I don't, you know,
turn things around and
do something with my "gifts,"
I don't think it's gonna
really work out for me,
and I wouldn't blame her.
Avengers are a very unique
group of superheroes
that stand for something
more than just fighting
and wearing costumes.
I mean, people look up to us.
Kids look up to us.
- They...
- I'm sorry. "Us"?
I wasn't aware
that you were an Avenger.
Avengers-adjacent, technically.
Oh, wow.
What's your superpower?
Is it parallel parking?
I am so sorry.
That was cruel.
I lash out when I'm nervous.
Won't happen again.
- Let's cut to the chase.
- Please.
You just said moments ago
that you wanted to be
an Avenger because
you need it.
Yes, sir, I do.
But the Avengers
don't do the job
because they need it.
They do the job
because people need them.
Do you see the distinction?
Yes, sir.
Please, Mr. Hogan.
I don't wanna spend
the rest of my life
like an annoying one-trick pony.
All right.
Oh, my God, you're standing.
Yeah, now's the time
that we stand.
Damn it.
Now, the problem
might be that you're
reaching a little...
little too high.
Aim for the middle,
and you'll never miss.
Right?
I think you got a good heart.
I believe what you're saying.
But not everybody's
the world-saving type.
I'm not, and I'm happy.
Right? I found my place.
Find your place.
All right? Get back out there.
- We'll keep an eye on you.
- Okay.
Good luck.
- [Wade Wilson] Mm. Mm-hmm.
- Mm-hmm.
Fetch the car.
I wanna hit Shake Shack.
Rejection makes me hungy.
- No, no. Please.
- No?
- Yeah, no, no, no.
- Okay.
Okay, thank you.
[Deadpool]
You know what they say.
When one door closes,
your locker at work opens.
[rousing music playing]
[stapling]
Now let's go sell some certified
pre-owned vehicles, motherfu...
[music stops]
Technically, the...
the Carnival's not a minivan.
It's an MPV.
So how does the Kia compare
to the Honda Odyssey?
The Odyssey?
That's a great question.
- Um, it doesn't fucking suck.
- [boy snickers]
You know, you can answer
the question without swearing.
I'm sorry, Tammy, I don't...
I don't have kids.
Not that I haven't
dreamt of that,
but I don't have
a lot of vaginal sex.
[Peter] You'll get 'em
next time, pal.
- [Wade] Yeah.
- [Peter] And look,
you can always go back
to superhero-ing.
I mean, I know I'd like
to see you back in the suit.
I don't keep it in my locker
so that I can wear it.
I keep it in my locker in case
we need to saddle up again.
Hey, hey, hey.
What is that doing in there?
I'm done.
I'm done.
And I'm fine with being done.
Look, is sales the best match?
Probably not.
Is this the life that I always
imagined for myself? Fuck no.
But this is the right fit
for me, Sugar Bear, it is.
Okay, Mr. Wilson.
I'm just saying, once a month,
we could go on a little mission.
We're human beings.
We crave purpose.
After all, we're Deadpool.
Please stop saying that.
We're not Deadpool.
I'm not even Deadpool anymore.
Well, if you're gonna have
a midlife crisis, go big.
A few years ago,
a friend of mine
got his nipples pierced
with a titanium chain
that goes down and attaches
to his Van Johnson.
[camera clicking]
Are... Are you feeling
grumplestiltskin
'cause it's your birthday?
What?
No.
No.
- Surprise!
- [hip-hop music plays]
Hey, you guys are lucky
I'm not armed.
Get in here.
If this were six years ago,
you'd all be dead.
So then, he gets out of the cab,
and you will not believe it.
I turn around,
and what do I find?
- AirPods. His AirPods.
- His AirPods!
- Come on.
- Crazy story.
- Every time. Come on.
- [laughing] Every single time.
[Wade sighs]
Make any sales today?
You know I didn't.
Did you sell
any dreamcatchers on Etsy
or whatever it is that you do?
Our rent's due
in three days, Wade.
I can't keep carrying you.
Relax. I have the money.
I sold some old
blood pressure medication
I found lying around.
You tryin' to kill me,
motherfucker?
I'm not the one
dousing everything in salt,
- motherfucker.
- I pray every day
that fire finds your body
and finishes the job
God didn't have
- the nuts to do.
- That's hurtful.
If you could hear
the look on my face,
you'd smell how sad I am.
You watched anything good?
Great British Bake Off.
Oh, goddamn.
That show stood between me
and suicide for 10 years.
Those are my feelings on
abortion, religious freedom,
animal rights,
privacy rights, vaccines,
free-market capitalism,
global climate change.
Yeah, duh-duh-duh.
No, no speaking lines, Buck.
- Hi, Yukio.
- Hi, Wade.
Nice fake o'clock shadow.
It's a summer balayage.
From the French.
It's meant to mimic the
natural highlights of the sun.
- It's a toupee.
- It's a hair system.
I love your hair system, Wade.
Thank you. Heh.
Wanna do some cocaine?
Hey, cocaine is the one thing
that Feige said is off limits.
What about
Bolivian marching powder?
They know all the slang terms.
They have a list.
- Even snowboarding?
- Even disco dust.
White girl interrupted?
- Even Forrest Bump.
- Booger sugar?
I wouldn't even try
powdered gonuts.
- Do you wanna build a snowman?
- Yes. But I can't.
Pull here.
- Here?
- Yeah. [gasps]
- [Yukio yelps]
- [laughter]
- [Dopinder] What happened?
- That's the fun part.
Thanks for coming.
Yeah.
How's work?
Oh, I got a promotion.
No way.
Yeah. It's mind-numbing middle
management, but I'm happy.
That's great.
- You, uh, seeing anyone?
- How about you?
Um... Yeah.
A guy from work. Dermot.
Dermot.
- He's kind.
- Good.
Likes to go hiking.
Hasn't gotten me shot yet.
Well, it's the early days.
[Vanessa chuckles]
What about you?
You seeing anyone?
[Wade] Mm...
No, no, I live
in a one-bedroom apartment.
I share a bed with Blind Al.
- Okay.
- [laughs]
- All right.
- All right.
[all] Happy birthday
to you
- Speech! Speech!
- [Yukio] Yes!
All right.
Okay, okay, okay. Uh...
Birthdays.
Boy, every spin around the moon
is a new adventure indeed.
- Sun, dumbass.
- Okay, round-earther.
- Where was I?
- The adventure of life.
Right. Um...
It's been
a challenging few years.
Haven't seen you guys
in a while.
Been through a lot,
uh, change of life.
- Menopause?
- Bitch, are you improv-ing?
- Mm-mm.
- Sorry.
[softly] I'm sorry that
you had to see that, Yukio.
- [softly] It's okay.
- Yeah.
[sighs] But I'm happy.
You know, and that's... that's
because of each
and every one of you.
I guess,
what I'm trying to say is
how proud I am,
how grateful I am
to be standing in a room
with every single person I love.
[soft music playing]
I'm the luckiest man alive.
[chuckles]
Make a wish, buddy.
Ten-four, good buddy.
[chuckles]
Going down.
[knock at door]
Wade Wilson?
Oh, yeah. Dancers.
Dopinder must have ordered you.
Are those supposed
to be cop costumes?
Never mind.
Take your clothes off
but leave the helmets.
And this isn't Pretty Woman.
We're kissing. All right?
What song do you guys
normally dance to?
Whoa, whoa, whoa,
whoa, whoa, whoa!
Is that supposed to be scary?
Pegging isn't new for me,
friendo.
But it is for Disney.
Ah, ta, ta, ta, ta, ta!
Okay, I've never been
a natural bottom,
so we're gonna
take things real slow.
And I want some
crazy eye contact.
Not you.
You.
Can't see your eyes through
the mask, but I can feel them.
We're gonna move on
down the hallway
so we can spare a cleanup
on aisle asshole.
How's everyone feel
about this plan?
I don't like you.
Yes. Let's hold on
to that attitude.
And we're gonna do it angry.
[grunts]
[grunts]
[suspenseful music playing]
[Wade moans softly]
[Wade grunts]
[Voice] Mr. Wilson...
you appear to have soiled
yourself while unconscious.
I wasn't unconscious.
Who are you?
I go by the name of Paradox.
Mr. Paradox. And you're
sitting here at the TVA.
The Time Variance Authority.
We're really
a watchdog organization,
except we're more lighthearted
than that sounds,
with a sort of
throwback, ironic twist.
And we're in charge of defending
what's known
as the Sacred Timeline.
Holy fuck. That is a shit-ton
of exposition for a threequel.
Is this because
I used Cable's time machine?
Brought a couple of people
back to life,
then I destroyed it.
- That was a long time ago.
- Yes,
we're aware of your abuse
of your timeline.
[chuckles] And you were
so abusive of it.
Uh, no, it has nothing
to do with that.
Walk with me.
[mysterious music playing]
I brought you here,
Mr. Wilson, to tell you
that you're special.
In fact, you've been chosen
for a higher purpose,
a purpose unclear even to me.
But one that could
save the entire Sacred Timeline
from a possibly grisly fate
sometime in the future,
which may very well
need to be...
avenged.
This Sacred Timeline,
I assume I'm going to marvel
at how
cinematic it feels?
Gratuitous cameos,
indiscriminate use of
Variants, the whole package?
Well, you tell me.
[device beeps]
[heroic music playing]
Cap!
You are no longer lost, Wade.
You can be a hero among heroes.
We've been surveilling you
for quite a while.
- Subway station.
- A TVA outpost, yes.
- And what is that?
- Hmm?
Is that me? Is that Thor?
- Is he crying?
- Uh, let's not
- get ahead of ourselves.
- [gasps]
That happens
in the distant future.
Why is Thor crying?
Quick! Tell me.
Do not speak to her.
Stop that. Eyes on me.
I brought you here
to offer you an opportunity.
The opportunity
you sought years ago,
but for which
you were not ready.
We believe you're ready now.
Ready for a chance
to leave your timeline
and join the greatest
universe of all.
I am about to give you the
thing you've always wanted.
Oh, I smell
what you're steppin' in.
The power in the Marvel Universe
is about to change forever.
I am the Messiah...
[heavenly music building]
I am...
- [music stops]
- ...Marvel Jesus.
Can you excuse me
for just a moment?
I'm just gonna go over here.
Suck it, Fox!
I'm going to Disneyland.
[grunts] Get fucked!
Where do I sign?
Oh, there's no need
for paperwork.
Good. Not to brag,
but I do not read.
[chuckles] Oh.
There is one thing
I will need, though.
[rousing music playing]
[laughs] Oh, fuck off!
Adorn me, Beardo.
- [squeaks]
- [elevator dings]
[hip-hop music plays, Fergie
ft. Ludacris "Glamorous"]
Fuckin' A!
Uhh! It's perfect! FYI,
your tailor is a predator,
but I love it. Snug.
No camel toe.
New car smell
and adamantium katanas?
You shouldn't have.
Go ahead. Take it in.
And yes, your underwear
is getting tighter.
That guy knows
what I'm talking about.
His clothes says
middle management,
but his eyes say fuck-y fuck-y.
Yes. You look very nice.
[Deadpool] "Nice"?
Your buddy here is ready
to throw it all away for me.
- You callin' your wife?
- HR.
[Deadpool] Does your wife
work in HR?
[Mr. Paradox] I'm really glad
you're taking this so well.
[Deadpool]
Oh, I'm taking it well.
I have never had a problem
traveling for work.
That said,
we should talk vacation days.
I'm more of a one-week-on-
one-week-off kind of guy.
I think it's what they do
in Denmark.
You know, you'll never see
a Danish flag on the moon,
but [chuckles]
goddamn it, they're happy.
Now, let's power up your
little Amazon Fire phone there
and zip me back home
so I can let my friends know
that they've been upgraded
to disciples.
Yeah. I don't think you...
quite understand.
Um, you will not be returning
to your home
because there will be
no home to return to.
Come again?
This time in my ears.
[device beeps]
This is your universe,
Mr. Wilson.
That
is what happens when a universe
loses their Anchor Being.
See how it decays
from the inside?
- This is how a reality dies.
- What's an Anchor Being?
An Anchor Being is an entity
of such vital importance
that when they die,
their whole world slowly
withers out of existence.
You've just won the lottery
because I didn't die.
It was just a little midlife
crisis. I'm better now.
Oh, no, no, no. [laughing]
[Deadpool laughs along]
- Oh, my God.
- Oh, I love to laugh.
Can you imagine
if you were the Anchor Being?
- [Deadpool, dully] Yeah.
- [laughs] Oh!
- Yeah.
- No, it isn't you, Mr. Wilson.
Your Anchor Being died
in an act
of self-sacrifice so epic
that it sent shivers
down the Timeline.
I am referring, of course, to...
Logan. The Wolverine.
[weakly] Don't be
what they made you.
[sentimental slow rock
music playing]
[crying]
Ah, so this is
what it feels like...
[Deadpool] Logan.
Of course.
Logan.
[Deadpool groans]
[yelling] Logan?
The guy with forks for hands?
- That Wolverine?
- [device beeps]
Yeah, I got it.
You can turn your
retro graphics of death
off now. Make it stop.
We're not doing it,
Mr. Wilson.
We certainly can't stop it.
[Deadpool]
How long have we got?
In most cases,
couple thousand years.
- Well, sweet.
- Well, most cases
aren't fast enough.
Not for me.
[Deadpool]
What does that mean?
It means that I have been tasked
with overseeing
the end of your universe.
And regardless of what
the pencil pushers upstairs
would prefer,
I will not
waste my life watching it die
slowly of natural causes.
We used to just prune
these things. Simple.
Elegant. Efficient.
But I'm told the TVA
doesn't like to do that
anymore. Well, I do.
And no matter what
my so-called superiors say,
the multiverse does not
need a babysitter.
We need a mercy killer.
And in this instance,
I am the mercy killer. Ha!
[chuckles]
[device beeps]
[Deadpool] What in
the MacGuffin is that?
[Mr. Paradox] That's
a Time Ripper, Mr. Wilson.
An accelerant.
Once completed,
it will allow me to destroy
the spacetime matrix
of your universe.
You see, I don't want
to work for the TVA.
I want to be the TVA.
And the first step involves
showing this organization
how much more efficient
it can become.
To wit, I will be
giving your universe
a swift and compassionate end.
And don't worry, your friends
won't feel a thing.
It'll be over just like this.
"Oh, what's that?" [groans]
Trust me.
You're gonna Old Yeller
my fucking universe?
Mm... In your parlance, yes.
Two in the heart,
one in the head.
Look, Mr. Wilson,
you have two choices.
You can either rejoin
your loved ones
and collectively cease
to exist in,
I'd say, 72 hours. Or...
you join the Sacred Timeline.
And you end your days
of insignificance
and mediocrity.
Wade.
Wade, you can finally,
finally matter.
- [Hulk roars]
- [sentimental music playing]
That's all
I've ever really wanted.
I know.
I know.
And you know I'm...
I'm nothing if not
morally flexible. [chuckles]
[chuckles]
Yep, yep.
I'll do it.
Wise choice.
The Sacred Timeline's happy
to have you.
[Deadpool] I was actually
talking about finding
the Wolverine and breaking
your fucking nose.
[groans]
[soft rock music plays,
Goo Goo Dolls "Iris"]
And I'd give up forever
to touch you
'Cause I know
that you feel me somehow
[song stops]
Find him. Find him!
[Deadpool]
And boy, did he ever.
[grunting]
Which brings us back to this.
The desecration
of the sacred corpse.
- [dramatic music playing]
- [yelling and grunting]
- Oh, my God!
- [yells]
Oh! My own fucking arm!
[soldier 1 yells]
- [soldier 1 screams]
- [grunting]
- [soldier 1 screaming]
- Now we're talkin'!
[soldier 1] Not like this!
No, dear God! No!
[Deadpool] I'm sorry!
Wolverine-ing is hard!
[soldier 2] Make it stop!
[Deadpool] Mangold tried.
[soldiers screaming]
You sick fuck!
Logan was a hero.
And the only thing worth a shit
to ever come out of Canada.
[soldier 1 cries out]
[soldier 2 screams]
[Deadpool]
Get my country's name
out of your fuckin' mouth.
And my sword. Give me that.
[exhales]
Oh, I gotta find me
another Logan.
An alive one.
Don't get up, guys.
I'll see myself out.
[synth rock music playing,
"The Power of Love"]
Logan!
I'm gonna need you
to come with me.
Who's asking?
[music stops]
[Deadpool] Oh, look at
this little Hairy Lou Retton.
Did you stick the landing,
little guy?
Yes, you did!
Comic-accurate short king.
Such a cute wittle Wolvie.
Cue the fuckin' montage, baby.
- [synth rock music resumes]
- Ahoy!
Everything seems to be on fire.
You have a dragon?
Ooh, you have Anchor Being
written all over...
[grunting]
[growling]
Make a one man weep,
make another man sing
Change a hawk...
Patch!
- [engine revving]
- Oh, now we're talkin'.
Oh, yeah.
That's the whole goddamn
package right there.
Howdy!
I'm just... I'm auditioning
Anchor Beings.
Oh. Yeah, that's gonna need
some coconut oil.
[grunts]
[crow cawing]
What in the fuck?
[laughs] Are you okay?
Oh, yes, yes.
Classic John Byrne
brown and tan.
Now, you fought the Hulk
in this outfit. No?
- [deep growl]
- [song stops]
I'm Marvel Jesus,
you dull creature,
and I will not... [yells]
- [Deadpool groans]
- [song resumes playing]
[grunting]
- [thunder rumbles]
- [groaning]
It's not you. We're just going
in a different direction.
[engine revving]
You know, from behind,
you look a little bit
like Henry...
- Oh, my fuck!
- [song stops]
The Cavillrine.
The legends are true.
And may I say, sir,
on behalf of all humanity,
this just feels right.
We will treat you so much better
than those shit fucks
down the street.
- You were just leavin'.
- [Deadpool] No, sir.
Not while the fate
of my universe is at...
[man grunts]
[choking]
This one looks promising.
Down you go.
[Logan] Again.
I told you.
You're not welcome here.
You're not welcome anywhere.
Now get the fuck out of my bar.
Just give me one more drink
and then I'll leave.
[bartender] That's not
how it works.
[Deadpool] It does now.
Leave the bottle.
I know you, bub?
Nope. But I know you.
Everybody knows me.
I'm the Wolverine.
Yes, you are.
And I'm gonna need you
to come with me right now.
Look, lady, I'm not interested.
Really gettin'
into your cups here.
Why would I go with you?
Because, unfortunately,
I need you,
and even more unfortunately,
my entire world needs you.
You two gonna fuck or fight?
You gonna take that from him?
- Yep.
- [scoffs]
I can tell you have a sort
of don't-get-too-close-
I'll-only-break-your-heart
vibe going here,
but every other Wolverine
would've really hurt me by now.
And I'm sort of
on the tick-tick.
- So, upsy-daisy. Here we go.
- Whoa, whoa.
- Up you go.
- Hey, hey!
I got you, big guy.
Oh.
Whiskey dick of the claws.
It's quite common
in Wolverines over 40.
You don't want this.
You're right. I don't.
And you don't want this.
Unless you wanna
take a deep breath
through your fuckin' forehead,
I suggest you reconsider.
Let's go, peanut.
[laughing]
Hold on. Hold on. Hold on.
Watch this.
All right. That... Whoa.
Easy.
Good God.
Thirsty little honey badger,
aren't ya?
It's okay. Keep goin'.
Audiences are accustomed
to long run times.
[grunts, groans]
[body thuds]
[sighs]
Guess you'll have to do.
Okay, here we...
Oh! Look at those jammies.
That only took 20 fucking years.
One Anchor Being
coming right up!
On your left, baby girl.
This Logan has the same
he-can-do-anything-
even-musicals look.
And bonus, he's actually
wearing a costume
like he's not embarrassed to be
in a superhero movie for once.
I don't understand.
You said my universe is dying
because this sack of nuts
got himself killed.
- Well, problem solved.
- My God.
You actually think you can
replace an Anchor Being
with this?
I wouldn't have accepted
any other Wolverine, BT dubs.
But you have outdone yourself
and brought me
the worst Wolverine!
What do you mean, the worst one?
Mr. Wilson.
This Wolverine let down
his entire world.
He's the stuff of legend,
but not in a good way.
And what he did,
well,
some things are just
beyond forgiveness.
Okay.
How do I... How do I make
this right? I'll do anything.
I gave you
a chance at greatness.
Because my superiors
deemed you "special."
Clearly not special
in a good way.
Apparently you have some
important future purpose
to serve.
With Thor. He holds me.
But I did my duty.
I gave you the opportunity
to be somebody.
And instead of
accepting my offering
with humility and gratitude,
you broke my nose.
[sighs] It looks great.
And you decimated
dozens of my men
with the exhumed corpse
of a hero.
Dishonoring not only
his remains but his memory.
What are you, the Internet?
Your world is dying!
Thank you very much.
And there's no stopping it.
[muffled]
The humane thing to do
is to make it quick.
Is the thought
of vaporizing my universe
making you peckish?
I'm eating my feelings.
I'm about to lose everything
that I've ever cared about
because that hairy thundercunt
from down undercunt
finally dies,
and he's standing
right behind me, isn't he?
Welcome to the MCU, by the way.
You're joining at a bit
of a low point.
As for you,
I wanna talk to your boss.
I want you to get him
on the phone
and you tell him, her, or them,
that Marvel H. Christ
isn't playing.
Holy shit.
I just heard a symphony
of buttholes clenching
all at once.
You're off grid.
Your bosses don't know
what you sick fucks
are doing down here.
Well, I'll tell you what.
I have a black belt in Karen...
And I'm gonna go upstairs
and I'm gonna tell 'em
all about you and your...
Oh, silence is nice, isn't it?
Where the fuck did he go?
To the trash heap.
You'll fit right in.
[growls]
Whew.
That was close. [chuckles]
[muffled rhythmic thumping]
[muffled footsteps thumping]
[groaning]
[Deadpool] Don't just
stand there, you ape.
Give me a hand up.
- [claws clang]
- Nope. I'm actually okay.
- Thank you very much. [groans]
- [Wolverine grunting]
[Wolverine]
Where the hell are we?
[Deadpool] I don't know.
Looks kind of Mad Max-y.
But that would be
IP infringement, right?
Fucking jokes.
- [grunts]
- [Deadpool yelps]
[bones crack]
[Deadpool] Fuck! Fuck.
Were you even listening
back there?
If we don't make it back
to that Mr. Paradox asshole,
everyone I know is gonna die.
Not my fuckin' problem.
Oh, is that all you got?
Is that what you said
when your world went to shit?
[breathing heavily]
Come again?
Yeah, I heard all about you.
How you screwed up everything.
You should be thankin' me
for pulling you out
of that bed you shit in.
[groans] You back-stabbing
son of a bitch!
[yells]
[shouts, groans]
Are you ready to be calm now?
- [grunts]
- [Deadpool yelps]
[groans]
Rest in pieces, Fox. [grunts]
[tense song intro playing,
AC/DC "Hells Bells"]
[bird screeching]
I don't want to fight you,
peanut.
Doesn't matter what you did.
- I just need your help.
- [grunts]
I don't fuckin' care.
Uh... Uh-oh.
[breathes heavily]
Fuck. This is gonna hurt.
All right.
Fuck it.
Let's give the people
what they came for.
- [song stops]
- Let's fuckin' go.
Get your special sock out,
nerds.
It's gonna get good.
[grunts]
[hard rock music playing,
AC/DC "Hells Bells"]
[growls]
[gunshots]
[both grunting]
[groans]
[screams]
Hell's bells
I'll give you
black sensations
Up and down your spine
If you're into evil,
you're a friend of mine
See my white light flashing
as I split the night
- [grunts, growls]
- [Deadpool chuckles] Ew.
Gotcha!
I got my bell, I'm gonna
take you to hell
I'm gonna get you,
Satan get you
- Baby Knife!
- [groans]
- [screams]
- Let's see you grow
your fuckin' head back.
Wait, wait, wait!
I can fix it! I can fix it.
- Fix what?
- Whatever it is that you did.
Whatever made you so bad.
Those... Those
pricks in the TVA.
You heard him.
They have the power
to end my universe,
but they also have
the power to change yours.
We get back there,
and we can fix your world.
Together.
I promise.
They can fix it.
[man] Hey!
We fight each other, we lose.
[Deadpool] Dear God, it's him.
- Who?
- [Deadpool] The one.
The superhero equivalent
to comfort food, or Molly.
White guys' answer
to all the disappointments.
And another A-lister.
Fair warning, gorgeous.
You're going to encounter
some indelicate language,
a smidge of ass play,
but we've been prohibited
from using cocaine. On camera.
- [man] They're coming.
- [Deadpool] Who's "they"?
- [engines revving]
- [menacing music playing]
Oh, they're driving angry.
[grunts]
Now that's a superhero landing.
[menacing music continues]
[music stops]
I got this.
[menacing music resumes]
[sniffs]
[engines revving]
Stay close.
[Deadpool] Aye, aye, Cap'n.
You got this.
Cassandra is gonna be giddy
when she sees what we caught.
You can't run.
Everybody knows that.
You see anyone runnin',
dick for brains?
You're not gonna love
what happens next.
- [Deadpool] Oh. Oh, my God.
- [rousing music playing]
Oh, my God.
Oh, my God, he's gonna say it.
- Ah! Fuck.
- [Deadpool] Ha!
Oh, my God! He's gonna say it!
- Say what?
- Avengers, assemble...
- Flame on!
- I'm sorry, what now?
[epic music playing]
[groans, panting]
[screaming in distance]
- [clang]
- Ohh!
Fuck!
Ahhh!
[grunts]
- We don't know that guy.
- [Deadpool] We thought we did.
I know you.
- [Deadpool] Holy sh...
- [Sabretooth snarls]
[growls]
Sabretooth.
Your brother.
Ready to die?
[Deadpool] Wait, wait, wait,
wait, wait, wait! Time!
You look ridiculous.
People have waited decades
for this fight.
It's not gonna be easy.
Baby Knife.
Shoot the double,
you take him down.
Side control, then full mount,
and you ground and pound
till he makes no sound
because he's dead.
- Shut the fuck up!
- [Deadpool] Oh, my God!
Okay. Good luck.
I'm a huge fan.
[breathing heavily]
[laughs]
[roars]
[roars]
- [gurgling]
- [Deadpool] What is it, girl?
- Is there trouble at the well?
- [flesh squelching]
[laughs] Big trouble.
Behold!
The head of your precious queen,
Furiosa!
I have the Wolverine!
I alone control her!
You come for me,
you come for her.
So sorry.
I know it's pronounced "him."
I'm gender blind.
It's my cross to bear.
Who's next?
- Toad!
- [snarls]
You're up.
[yells]
[both grunt]
[Deadpool] Uh-oh.
- Oh, holy sh...
- Fuck.
[thud]
[creatures squeaking]
[Deadpool groans, mumbles]
[Deadpool] God of Thunder.
[Deadpool grunts]
How long was I asleep?
Not all of you was asleep.
- [Deadpool grunts]
- Don't bother.
They're very thorough.
If you know where we are,
start talking.
You're in The Void.
Think of it as purgatory.
Reed called it
a metaphysical junkyard.
Where anything useless goes
before it gets
annihilated forever.
And where the TVA sends
people that don't play nice
with the rest of the multiverse.
- Like you?
- And you.
[Deadpool] What does
the annihilating?
Alioth.
[Deadpool]
Alioth is in this thing?
From Loki, Season 1, Episode 5?
Everyone here
is on the run from Alioth.
Most don't make it.
There's a resistance, though.
Other people like us
that managed to survive.
They're hidin' out
in the borderlands,
trying to find a way
the fuck outta here.
Then that's where we go.
[Deadpool] "We"? Us? A team?
The answer is yes.
Shake on it.
Fuck! You nicked it.
Just got the tip with
your little steak knife.
These "others" can help us
get back to the TVA.
Make 'em fix things.
[laughs sardonically]
Something funny, bub?
She might have somethin'
to say about that.
Who's "she"?
In The Void,
you're either food for Alioth
or you work for her.
[stirring music playing]
[engine roars]
[metal creaking]
[heavy metallic thud]
[engine roaring]
[tense music playing]
[grunts]
[growls quietly]
[grunts]
[Deadpool] Huh.
Paul Rudd finally aged.
Oh, you must be
this year's Juggernaut.
- Thank you.
- I'd keep your voices down.
She don't like the chatter.
She's gonna love you.
[slow dramatic
music building]
[Deadpool] Is it...
Is that Charles?
Hey... Hey, Chuck! It's us!
That's not Chuck.
Ah, shit.
[Deadpool] Oh, ableism. Great.
That's not gonna go over well
with the woke mob.
A Wolverine.
I wondered when
I'd get one of you.
You're one of Xavier's.
[Deadpool] You-You know him?
You know Chuck?
Oh, I knew him.
We shared a womb.
Tried to strangle
the sly little fellow
with my umbilical cord.
[Deadpool] Amen. I've never
loved roommates. Mine's blind.
Except she can see cocaine.
For some... reason.
You want to chime in,
Your Majesty? I'm dying here.
Who are you?
Charles Xavier's twin,
Cassandra Nova.
- Bullshit!
- I was an anal birth.
Hmm. You two are cute.
I have a good feeling
about this.
And I've been trying to catch
this little firefly for years.
Haven't I, Johnny?
Aw... You picked the wrong
time to make new friends.
[Deadpool] Oh, Johnny told us
all about you.
- Maybe shut up now.
- Yeah, maybe don't...
[Deadpool]
We're just talkin' here.
Yeah, Johnny told us
you're a psychotic
megalomaniacal asshole.
His words, not mine. Hellbent
on domination and pain.
You said all that about me?
No! No! I don't...
- I didn't say any of that!
- Sticks and stones, Johnny!
Don't let her intimidate you.
It's like you said
in the convoy.
This finger-lickin' dead-inside
pixie slab of third rate
dime-store nut-milk
can eat your delicious
cinnamon ring
and kick rocks
all the way to bald hell.
Okay. I have never said
any of those words
- in my entire life!
- [Deadpool] Ha! The modesty.
People think I'm a shit talker.
But this guy...
[smooches] Next level.
What? This... I... We...
I don't even know
what half of that means!
- This... I...
- My hat's off to you, sir.
- Truly.
- What? This...
I didn't... He's...
That's... I...
I... I don't...
- [Deadpool gasps]
- [heart beats]
[Deadpool]
Not my favorite Chris.
You stupid piece of shit.
You just got him fucking killed!
[Deadpool] Hey!
We're all grieving!
PS, do you know what
he was doing to the budget?
[shushing]
Alioth is hungry.
[Deadpool] There's been
some kind of mistake.
Big yellow is
a back-up Anchor Being,
and I'm Marvel Jesus.
MJ, if you're nasty.
This may be hard to hear,
but there's
another British villain
who's gonna destroy my universe,
and I'm gonna stop him.
Oh, honey,
you don't really strike me
as the world-saving type.
[thunder rumbling in distance]
Did I hit a nerve?
[Deadpool] I didn't want it
to come to this.
Either you help us
or my friend here is gonna sing
the entire second act
of Music Man
with zero warm-up.
Where'd you get the chair?
[Cassandra Nova]
Well, once in a while,
I do get a Charles through here.
Never mine, though.
No. He didn't care to find me.
[Deadpool groans] Gen Z
and their trauma-bragging!
Can't you just stuff it down,
turn it into accomplishment
or cancer like the rest of us?
But I'm not like
the rest of you.
Except maybe the Wolverine.
Now, we could be
truly terrifying together.
You're that scary, huh?
The TVA certainly thought so.
They sent me here
before I could walk.
And you know,
it's the best thing
that ever happened to me.
I love it here.
[Deadpool] You live
in a garbage dump.
I think we both know who lives
in the garbage dump.
The Void is a paradise.
I can wield my power here
without shame.
Unfortunately I had
no Charles Xavier
to teach me temperance.
What about your Charles?
Did he protect you?
Did he make you feel safe?
We're mutants.
We're never safe.
- [roars]
- [Cassandra whoops]
[chuckles]
[whoops]
[Deadpool] Whoa, whoa,
whoa, whoa, whoa!
I don't...
I don't want the smoke.
I don't have any beef with you.
I just want to save my friends.
I just... I want to go home.
Well, the thing is,
I could get you home.
- Good.
- But I don't want to.
[Deadpool] Not good.
[groaning]
What do you want, Wade Wilson?
[Deadpool straining] Your...
fingers are inside me,
but not in a good way.
My brother could enter
one's mind with a thought.
I have to get my hands dirty.
- [Deadpool groaning]
- [shushing]
I've got you.
[whispers] I've got you...
[Wade, muffled]
What do you mean?
I can't... I can't reach you.
You're not here.
I'm right here.
- No, you're not. I can't...
- I'm right here.
Then show me.
You got to do something.
Show you what?
Show me you care about
something bigger than you.
Ever since they turned you
down, you took a knee.
Baby, you never got back up.
I know you're
going through something.
Let me go through it with you.
- Your crazy matches my crazy.
- Your crazy matches my crazy.
Where'd you go?
[Wade] Oh, my God.
[melancholy music playing]
You just say it. Okay?
Say, "I don't want you.
"I don't want to be with you."
Go ahead. Say it.
Say... Say, "I don't..."
Say it.
You don't wanna be with me.
Tell me that and I'll walk away.
Say, "I don't want you."
[melancholy music continues]
[sighs] Fuck...
You'll never fucking matter.
What?
- You'll never fucking matter.
- Fucking matter.
[melancholy music continues]
- [Vanessa] You'll...
- [Cassandra] You'll...
- never...
- never...
- fucking...
- fucking...
- matter.
- matter...
[Deadpool]
She never said that.
- [Cassandra] No.
- [groans]
[in mocking tone]
But I bet she thought it.
[Deadpool splutters]
[Deadpool groans]
You are so mean!
My brain could taste
your fingers,
and they tasted like hate!
And where in God's name
is the intimacy coordinator?
You're so lost, Mr. Wilson.
And long before you came here.
This is Baby Knife.
She's gonna fuck you
in the face now.
If you want to kill me,
it's going to take
more than a little blade.
[Deadpool] How about six?
[laughs mockingly]
My boy's wicked strong.
That's my big boy.
Yes, you are.
[groans]
[laughs]
[Cassandra]
Well, this has been fun.
But the big guy needs to eat,
and the rent is due.
- [eerie roar]
- [thunder roaring]
By the way,
you're the rent.
[rumbling]
[roars]
[henchmen screaming]
- [electrical whine]
- Come on! Fuck!
- [engine starts]
- You comin' or what?
[Deadpool] Coming!
[engine sputtering in distance]
- [distant scream]
- [engine bursts]
[grunting]
[both groan]
What you thinkin' 'bout?
- Get the fuck off of me!
- Shh, shh, shh.
- [strains] Almost done.
- Almost done what?
Getting my knife out
of your buttocks,
- pervert!
- Aah! Fuck!
Get your mind out of my pants!
- I'm telling Blake.
- New rules.
I talk now.
That's gonna be very hard
on the audience.
Shut the fuck up!
Let me fuckin' think.
Now we gotta get back
to Paradox, right?
Right?
Je m'excuse. Am I allowed
to speak now or...
Just nod, asshole.
Right.
Then we find the others
that poor kid, Johnny,
was talking about
before you got him killed!
[Deadpool] "Poor kid."
He's, like, 50!
Yeah, if there's
a chance they know
how to get out of here,
we find 'em.
And make those TVA fuckers
fix my shit
like you fucking promised!
[Deadpool] I smell quest.
[sniffing]
I smell food.
So what made you finally wear
an honest-to-God costume?
Mine's red
so they can't see me bleed.
But I could see how
yellow would be useful too.
Have you been checked for ADHD?
Mm-mm.
But I've had several STDs,
which were probably caused
by ADHD.
Fuck!
What are you looking for?
Oh. Thank fuck.
No, no, no, no, no.
That's rubbing alcohol.
You don't want to drink...
Oh, yeah.
There you go. Fuck that liver.
[exhales]
- Good. Okay.
- [sighs]
What the fuck are those?
Oh.
Back in civilian life,
I wear a toupee,
but nobody knows. [chuckles]
[laughing]
Everybody knows.
Wanna talk about
what's haunting you,
or should we wait
for a third act flashback?
Ah... Go fuck yourself.
You know...
in my world, you're...
[clears throat]
You're well regarded.
Yeah, well, not in mine.
They don't like me much
in mine either.
You don't say.
I wanted to be something,
you know. I...
Shit, I wanted to be an Avenger.
- Fuck the Avengers.
- Yeah.
I didn't make the cut, though.
Same with the X-Men...
When my girlfriend left me,
- and I just...
- You had a girlfriend?
Yeah.
Vanessa.
When we met, she was a dancer.
We had a whole life.
It was good.
But, oh, boy, I just... Mwah.
Fucked that right up.
But you,
you were an X-Man.
Fuck that.
You were the X-Man. You...
The Wolverine.
He was a hero in my world.
Yeah, well...
he ain't shit in mine.
You said, "Logan was a hero."
What happened?
He died.
How?
Well, technically, you were
chest-fucked by a tree, but,
really, you just
ran out of batteries
- trying to save someone.
- Who?
The shitheels
that grew her in a lab
called her "X-23." But...
she was just a kid.
A younger, daintier,
somehow meaner version of you.
You died trying to save her.
It was beautiful.
Look, mijo,
I know you're hurtin'.
My blind, elderly,
African-American roommate,
Blind Al, always says that
pain teaches us who we are.
Sometimes we need to listen
to that pain
instead of running from it.
- Holy shit.
- Yeah, she's wise.
No, no, no. That's her name?
You call her "Blind Al"?
Well, she's blind.
[dog barking]
[ballad music plays, Chris
de Burgh "The Lady in Red"]
I've never seen you looking
so lovely as you did tonight
I've never seen you shine
so bright, mm-hmm, hmm
The lady in red
Is dancing with me
Cheek to cheek
There's nobody here...
Look at you!
She's coming with us.
- No, she's not. Fuck no!
- Oh, yes, she is.
- Oh, yes...
- [man] Sorry!
- [song stops]
- Sorry about that!
Come here, girl! [chuckles]
Who are you?
Oh, I'm Deadpool.
And I guess you're Deadpool too.
But in here, everybody
calls me "Nicepool."
Oh, my goodness.
Wait till you see Ladypool.
She is gorgeous.
She just had a baby too.
And... [blows sharply]
Can't even tell.
I don't think you're supposed
to say that.
That's okay.
I identify as a feminist.
Right.
Are those gold-plated,
.50 caliber Desert Eagle
pistoleros?
'Course.
To match my ear huggie.
Can I have 'em?
[laughs] Over my dead body.
[chuckles] You're fun.
And I guess you've
already met Mary Puppins.
AKA Dogpool.
Careful where you put
your hands.
She's ninety percent g-spot,
and she'll let you know it.
You let this little flirt out
of your sight for one second
and she starts shopping
for a new papa.
If you can't be
a responsible pet owner,
then maybe you don't deserve
this little unicorn.
Guilty on all charges,
Your Honor.
Shan't happen again.
Why are you so nice?
Oh, it costs nothing to be kind.
Shutting the fuck up
is also free.
- Caliente.
- This is Logan.
He's usually shirtless,
but he's let himself go
since the divorce.
Where's your mask?
Come on, guys.
[bird screeches in distance]
Ugh, this guy.
We're looking
for a group of survivors.
Oh, they're out there.
Yeah, but merc to merc,
you better hope
that you don't run
into the Deadpool corps.
Yeah, they're crazy.
They will chop you up
into a thousand pieces
and hide you all over The Void.
If they could only process
their childhood trauma,
they'd go on one heck
of a healing journey.
Look, we're headed
for the borderlands.
You know where it is?
Yeah, that...
that's 12 klicks due west.
I can lend you my ride,
if you like.
It would be my honor.
[birds chirping]
[Deadpool] Oh, no, no, no, no.
Absolutely not.
Uh-uh. What the...
No! No!
Just get in the car.
This isn't a car.
This is a Honda fuckin' Odyssey.
Throttle response sucks a cock.
Dated infotainment system.
When Honda saw
that untreated chlamydia
was makin' a comeback,
they invented
the Honda Odyssey to compete.
Get in the fucking car.
She'll get you there
safe and sound.
Old Betsy always does.
You're gonna have to
give me my dog back, though.
[Deadpool] I know. Listen.
- [Dogpool whimpers]
- Yes, child.
If you ever wanna give her up,
or if she needs a new home,
or if something
should happen to you,
I'd love to be her papa.
[laughs] What would
ever happen to me?
[Deadpool] Lots of stuff.
- Jesus.
- [Deadpool] No!
We're running away. [grunts]
- [Wolverine] Give me that.
- The corn was too dense, girl!
- [Wolverine] There.
- Come here!
- [Deadpool] Fuck!
- [Nicepool] Hello!
- [engine starts]
- Bye.
[Avril Lavigne "I'm With
You" plays on car stereo]
[sighs]
It's a damn cold night
Trying to figure out
this life
Won't you take me
by the hand?
Take me somewhere new
I don't know who you are
But I
I'm with you...
[Deadpool] Okay,
I'm just gonna ask...
What's with the suit?
First thing I did
when I flamed out,
- I took mine off.
- Drop it.
[Deadpool] It's not that ugly.
- Stop talking about my suit.
- Did you make it yourself?
- Been there.
- Quit. Now.
The X-Men make you wear it?
Those sons of fuckin' bitches.
They are not your friends,
I'll tell you that.
Friends don't let friends
leave the house lookin' like
they fight crime
for the Los Angeles Rams.
Shut the fuck up
about this, or...
Whoa, whoa, whoa. Watch
your frown lines, angel baby.
I'm just trying
to bond a little bit.
Yeah, well, then talk
about somethin' else.
Fine.
Pshew. Pshew, pshew.
Pshew!
- Stop it.
- Pshew.
If they can fix your world,
what's the first thing
you're gonna do
when you get out of here?
Get some rubbing alcohol shots,
maybe a wiper fluid chaser?
- What did you say?
- I said when you get back,
what's the first thing
you're gonna do?
No, no, no. Before that.
If... they can fix your world?
[grunts]
What do you mean, "if"?
- I mean...
- You lied to me.
You don't have a fucking clue
if they can help me
fix things, do you?
No. I mean... Ow!
Fuck! Fuck! I didn't lie!
- You lied!
- No! I made an educated wish!
Because I need you.
This. This is why. Right here.
'Cause if we don't do
something, they die.
I don't know anything
about saving worlds.
And why would I even care?
Because my entire world
is right here in this picture.
It's only nine people,
and I have no idea
how to save it alone.
I know how to fuck people up
for money. But you,
you know how to save 'em!
At least
the other Wolverine did.
- [flesh squelching]
- [groans]
Fuck! I guess I'm stuck
with the worst one.
Did you say you made
an educated fucking wish?
They call me
"The Merc with the Mouth."
They don't call me
"Truthful Timmy,
"the Blowjob Queen
of Saskatoon."
[grunts in pain]
One more word.
Please give me one.
[breathing heavily]
Gubernatorial.
[yelps] Oh, fuck!
You know what?
You're a fucking joke.
No wonder the Avengers
didn't take you.
Or the X-Men. And they'll take
fucking anyone.
I mean, you are
a ridiculous, immature,
half-wit moron.
I have never met
a sadder,
more attention-starved,
jabbering little prick
in my entire life.
And that says a lot,
'cause I've been alive
for more than 200 fuckin' years,
and I'll tell ya,
that bald chick
was right about one thing.
You will never save the world!
You couldn't even save
a relationship
with a goddamn stripper!
And motherfucker, I wish
I could say you'd die alone,
but it's one of God's
best jokes that you can't die,
except that's on all of us!
Oh, you got nothing to say,
Mouth?
[breathing heavily]
[Deadpool]
I'm gonna fight you now.
[laughs]
[snorts] Oh, are you?
[song plays on radio,
song changing]
[upbeat pop music plays,
"You're the One That I Want"]
[grunting]
- [groaning]
- Mm. Not talkin' now, are ya?
And I'm losing control
'Cause the power
you're supplying
[Deadpool]
Oh, you dirty bitch.
[growls]
- [yelling]
- You better shape up
'Cause I need a man
[both grunting]
And my heart is set on you
You better shape up
- [laughs]
- [Deadpool] Whoo!
[grunts]
To my heart,
I must be true
Nothing left,
nothing left for me to do
You're the one that I want
Ooh, ooh, ooh, honey
The one that I want
Ooh, ooh, ooh, honey
- [straining]
- No, no, no! [screams]
[screams in high pitch]
- Ooh, ooh, ooh
- [bones crack]
The one I need
Oh, yes, indeed...
[choking]
[yells]
- Baby Knife!
- [screams]
[song stops]
I take it all back.
The Honda Odyssey fucks hard.
Too bad you don't, needle dick.
Oh, we're just
gettin' started, bub.
- [yells]
- [song resumes playing]
Ooh, ooh, ooh, honey
[Deadpool] Oh, you... Fuck!
- [Deadpool groaning loudly]
- Ooh, ooh, ooh
- The one I need
- [groaning stops]
Oh, yes, indeed
You're the one that I want
[song fades out]
[birds chirping]
[leaves rustling]
[ominous music playing]
[car door opens and closes]
[engine starts]
[cryptic music playing]
[water dripping]
[Deadpool] Thor!
Where are we?
No clue, but...
I like it here.
- [door opens]
- [cryptic music intensifies]
[grunting]
[Deadpool] Whoa, whoa,
whoa, whoa, whoa!
[sentimental music playing]
- [music pauses]
- [low growl]
[dramatic electronic
music playing]
[electrical humming]
[cat meows]
[music fades out]
Okay.
Look at you... all.
You must be the others.
Terrific.
So just to refresh, you are
- Wonder...
- Elektra.
[Deadpool] Elektra?
Yes. Who could forget?
And you. I was not expecting
to see you here.
I thought you were, you know,
retired. [chuckles]
Retarded?
[Deadpool] "Retired."
I'm already in The Void.
I'm not trying
to get canceled again.
- I don't like you.
- [Deadpool] You never did.
And who's this
succulent reminder
of my own inadequacies?
Look at you.
You look like the
superhero version of Hawkeye.
The name's Remy LeBeau,
Le Diable Blanc.
But you can call me the Gambit.
[Deadpool] It's been a while
since I've seen Sling Blade.
Hit me again.
They call me the Gambit.
[Deadpool] Do they?
Are you sure you didn't
just really,
really want them to,
but it never quite worked out?
[speaks indistinctly]
You know, we never had
a Wolverine up in here.
But I can tell you now,
it's just a common courtesy
to ask
before you drink up
all of my liquor.
Well, it's a good thing
I don't give a fuck.
[laughs, speaks indistinctly]
Fuck.
- [bottle smashes]
- [Deadpool] So embarrassing.
Boo, boo, boo.
Well, now that
that's settled, look,
we came a long way
to find you three.
- There's four of us.
- [Deadpool] There's four...
Hey, wait. Is it Magneto?
Dear sweet God in heaven,
let it be Magneto,
- because with him...
- He's dead.
[Deadpool] Fuck!
Now Disney gets cheap?
It's like Pinocchio jammed
his face in my ass
- and started lying like crazy.
- Ooh, you nasty!
Mon petit rouge. Laissez
les bons temps rouler, huh?
[Deadpool] Not a single word.
What do you do exactly?
Charge the playing cards
and make 'em go boom!
[Deadpool] Your power's
close-up magic. That's good.
We're not totally fucked at all.
So who brought us here?
[Voice] That would be me.
[pensive music playing]
Don't make me regret it.
[Deadpool] Holy shit. Logan.
That's her. That's X-23.
She's the one I told you about.
Hey, how did you all get stuck
in The Void?
There was a knock at the door.
- TVA sent me here.
- Me, too.
Well, maybe I was born here.
It's... It's hard
to know for sure.
TVA decided
our universe was dying.
And I never even got a chance
to fight for it.
[Elektra] People like us
don't go quietly.
TVA knows that,
so they took us out.
[smooches]
The answer is yes. I'm in.
- In what?
- [Deadpool] A team.
Me, you, you, and me.
All of us together.
Let's get the fuck
out of this place.
Don't listen to him.
He's a fucking liar!
[Deadpool]
It was an educated wish!
- Ha!
- [Deadpool] Look.
We've been inside
Cassandra's lair.
The only way out of The Void
is through her.
She can get us home.
She told us.
Wait a minute,
you've been inside?
- And you made it out alive?
- Bullshit.
- Nobody's ever done that.
- [Deadpool] We did.
Every time one of us
has gone up against her,
they die.
The Punisher, the Quicksilver,
the Daredevil.
[Deadpool] Daredevil?
I'm so sorry.
- It's fine.
- [Deadpool] Okay.
Even that sweet, baby angel,
Johnny Storm.
He up and gone missing like,
what, two days ago?
[Deadpool] Ugh. That's so sad.
Wherever this Johnny fella is,
I'm sure he's thriving.
[Wolverine chuckles]
Look, there's...
there's strength in numbers.
All right? Us...
plus, you guys.
We can put Cassandra
over our knee and force her
to let us out of The Void.
I know what it means
to feel self-doubt.
- I don't feel that at all.
- I'm good.
[Deadpool] Gnawing at your gut
like a coked-up tapeworm.
It's like you're holding up
a mirror to my soul.
[Deadpool] You guys
may not have been able
to save your universes.
But you can avenge them.
It's what Johnny
would have wanted.
Wait. You knew Johnny?
[chuckles] Oh, yeah.
Dickhead here talked him
into a team-up,
and Johnny came down with
a little case of the deads.
[Deadpool] No, no, no.
We don't know that.
It was just a flesh wound.
He may have survived.
If he survived that,
he is prayin' for death.
[Deadpool] Thank you,
Doctor Wolverine!
- Spill it!
- What'd you do to Johnny, huh?
Talk or I'm gonna start dealin'.
[Deadpool] Okay. Okay.
Hey, hey, hey.
Look.
He ran his fat-ass mouth
about Cassandra.
Then she zip-zapped his skin,
leaving his organs to splash
crudely onto the ground
while the soil greedily drank
his blood. It was horrible.
He was like a brother to me.
Look, he died before he could
make a difference. But...
- [laughs]
- Look, maybe you couldn't
save your worlds, but...
but Jesus Christ,
you can save mine!
I don't give a shit
about your world, but
if these two made it out of
there alive, maybe together,
we can get back in
and take her down.
Where I come from,
we call that suicide, Chere.
[Deadpool] If we can block
her psychic powers,
we can get a leg up.
I know it.
Now, I know Magneto's dead.
But I'd venture to guess
that his helmet is lying
- around here somewhere...
- Cassandra melted the helmet.
- [Deadpool] Fuck!
- After she killed him.
- [Deadpool] Fuck!
- She don't play.
She knows that helmet
was the only way
to protect anyone
from her powers.
The only other helmet that
strong is Juggernaut's,
but he works for Cassandra.
[Deadpool] Juggernaut's
helmet. That's it.
Yeah, and we done be knowing
that lid ain't comin' off
without that dome
gonna come off wit'it.
[Deadpool] I'm so sorry,
beautiful.
I want this to be gentle.
Who is your dialect coach?
The Minions?
I feel like we are missing
critical exposition here.
I'm sick of this shit.
I'm sick of hiding.
Let's face it,
our worlds forgot about us.
Or never learned about us.
The heroes we were.
Lives we saved.
Or wanted to save.
Maybe these two are our chance.
[gurgling]
To be remembered.
The way we deserve.
[Deadpool] Yes.
An ending.
- Legacy.
- [Deadpool] Yes!
Yes! Let this man cook.
This is what I'm talking about.
Big slow-motion fights,
sad music.
Everybody working together.
Who knows if you live or die?
That sorta thing.
- Who's ready?
- I was born ready.
[Deadpool] Yes!
Gambit?
I ain't know my daddy,
but I'm sure I shot out
of his dick ready.
[Deadpool] Jesus Christ,
that is graphic.
Yeah. He was layin' them
buttery nuts all up in my mama
and I shot out there
and I said, "What's up, Doc?"
[Deadpool laughs]
Johnny must have loved you.
X-23, what's it gonna be?
The name's Laura.
- Let's fucking go.
- [Deadpool] Let's fucking go!
It's on like chicken and corn.
- [Deadpool] Yeah!
- We're doing this.
You're all fuckin' dead.
[Deadpool] My God!
Read the room.
[crickets chirping]
[exhales]
Hey, hey. I'm not lookin'
for company. Get out of here.
You remind me of him.
Angry. Drunk. Mean...
- Sounds like a great guy...
- Wasn't finished.
Showed up when
it mattered the most.
Couldn't help it.
[sighs]
You might not know it, but...
you're a good man, Logan.
[chuckles]
You might not know it,
but apparently,
I'm the worst Logan.
I got to have a life
because of you.
I got to grow up because of you.
A lot of kids did.
A lot of kids didn't grow up
because of me.
Trust me, kid, I'm no hero.
That suit says different.
- Yeah. Do you like it?
- Mm.
Scott used to beg me to wear it.
So did Jean, Storm, Beast.
All of them.
They wanted me to be part
of the team, but I wouldn't.
Told 'em they all look
fucking ridiculous. I mean...
I couldn't have 'em thinkin'
I wanted to be there.
And then one day,
while I was off on my own,
the humans came...
and went mutant hunting.
I can guess the rest.
No, no, let me...
Let me say it. I...
I need to say it.
By the time I stumbled home
shitfaced from the bar,
it was too late.
They were dead. Every...
[stifling sob]
[mournful music playing]
This suit's all I got to
remind me of who they were.
And what I did.
[sniffles]
We're headed to Cassandra's
at sunup.
Have fun. Not my fight.
We won't pull this off
without you.
Hey. Whoever you think I am,
you got the wrong guy.
You were always the wrong guy.
[mournful music continues]
[cell phone ringing]
What?
Alioth didn't get them.
[sniffs]
Cassandra wanted to
play with them herself first.
They got away.
- Did they find the others?
- No.
Good. All right. Phew.
- The others found them.
- Oh, very cute.
Well done, Pyro.
Classic bait and switch.
- You really got me there.
- Relax.
If they come after Nova,
she'll handle it.
Cassandra is
a lunatic wild card.
Why do you think we put her
there in the first place?
Thank God she's never chosen
to leave The Void.
The Time Ripper is hours away
from completion.
I cannot take any chances.
Well, maybe not.
But I can.
For a price.
Why do you have to
say it in that silly voice?
It's so icky.
- You want it done or not?
- All right. Your price.
Take her out.
Ugh. Mutants.
[hip-hop music plays,
T.I. "Bring 'Em Out"]
Bring 'em out,
bring 'em out
Bring 'em out,
bring 'em out
It's hard to yell when
the bar-rel's in your mouth
- Come on
- Swizzy!
Bring 'em out,
bring 'em out
Bring 'em out,
bring 'em out
T-I-P, coming live
from the V.I.P.
Heard the nightlife
lost life without me
Both the feds and the state
wanna see 'bout me
The whole city got biz-zerk,
he got three...
Ooh! Look at that there!
You see them biggum hands
come closed.
Ain't not a wonna gettin' up
inside there.
[Deadpool] I think what
Gambit's trying to say is
getting Juggernaut's helmet
ain't gonna be easy.
I'm just making
stuff up at this...
- Yeah. Tilt up to Blade.
- Gun!
Mississippi to Philly,
Albuquerque to Chatt-Town
If I hit you in the face,
you gon' be suing and shit
[Deadpool] Where'd he get
that little beauty?
That's Punisher's AT4.
Which Punisher? There's been,
like, five of them.
There's only been one Blade,
and there's only ever
gonna be one Blade.
Who got a flow and a live
show better than mine?
I got a packed
house yellin'
Incoming!
Ahhh!
Bring 'em out,
bring 'em out
Ayy, from the back,
they yellin
Bring 'em out,
bring 'em out
Ayy, all
the dope boys yellin'
Bring 'em out,
bring 'em out
Ayy, from the back,
they yellin
- [song stops]
- [fire roaring]
[tires screeching]
Mic check,
one-two, one-two
You wanna beef
with the King?
What is you gon' do?
Will you show up on the
scene with two guns drew?
Or you and your friend and
play a little two-on-two?
If you knew half
of what I knew
Then you'd be
hitting the deck
I got a tool and a vest
I can get some respect
Yeah, what other Southern
rapper hood-er than this?
I got rich, and I'm still
on some hooligan shit
Standing in your
front yard yellin'
Bring 'em out,
bring 'em out
Ayy, all
my hot girls yellin'
Bring 'em out,
bring 'em out
Ayy, all
the dope boys yellin'
Bring 'em out,
bring 'em out
[song stops]
[song resumes]
Hands in the air now!
Hands in the air now!
Hands-hands in the-
in the air-air now!
I can't hear you!
Bring 'em out,
bring 'em out
Bring 'em out,
bring 'em out
[song ends]
Ooh, this is gonna be good.
You know how long
I've been waiting for this?
Whoo! I'm about to make
a name for myself here.
I don't think you guys
walk away from this.
You just make sure people know
what happened here today.
And when you get out of here,
you have a drink for me, yeah?
You just stay on our six
and get inside.
We'll make sure
you get the package.
And we'll get our ending.
[thrilling music playing]
[music fades out]
[all yelling]
[epic music playing]
[all grunting]
[groans]
[electrical roar and hum]
[crackling]
And boom!
[all grunting]
[laughs, grunts]
[music stops]
Heh. Some motherfuckers still
trying to ice skate uphill.
[henchmen yelling]
[slurps]
[footsteps]
You two escaping,
I could live with.
But coming back? Willingly?
Boys are so silly.
[Deadpool]
I just need to get home.
Well, that's not on the menu,
I'm afraid.
It's death or enslavement.
A la carte, of course.
- Upsy-daisy.
- [grunting]
Finally,
it's nice to give someone else
a chance to talk.
Not my strong suit.
[groaning and grunting]
[straining]
[yells]
[exhales]
You shouldn't have done that.
[grunts]
[groaning]
[grunting]
[yells]
[growls]
[screams]
Adios, pendejo.
[yells]
You are an interesting one,
aren't you?
I do feel like you get lost
behind all of his...
[imitates yapping]
Deadpools are a dime a dozen
here in The Void.
But you...
What's going on in here?
[groaning]
[screaming]
- [screaming stops]
- [leaves rustling]
[distant female voice] Logan!
[Cassandra] Interesting...
Not what I expected back here.
Behind the anger.
You're hiding.
- From them.
- [sighs]
From all the ones you let down.
So much pain.
I walked away.
They called after me and I...
I walked away.
I always do.
- [child] Logan!
- I know.
That's not all you did.
Is it?
- [groans]
- [flesh squelches]
You found them.
The X-Men.
[distant screaming]
Dead.
[mournful music playing]
Piled like wood.
[Cassandra] What did you do?
I started killing.
And I couldn't stop.
I didn't wanna stop.
[Cassandra] All those bad men.
[groans]
It's not just the bad ones.
My little animal.
And I turned the whole world
against the X-Men.
Blade!
Just once...
I wanna be the man
that Charles thought I was.
Logan...
in The Void,
you can be what you are.
I just wanna be free.
I can set you free.
[panting]
[yelps]
I can silence all those voices.
[silence falls]
[exhales]
I've got you.
I've got you.
No.
I got you.
[indistinct whining]
[grunting in pain]
[gasps]
[yelling]
[Cassandra grunts] Get it off!
[Deadpool]
You're gonna send us home,
or I'm gonna twist
your fucking head off.
- [laughs]
- Why are you laughing?
I can't send you home
unless you get this thing
off my head.
And as soon as you do that,
I'm going to boil your brains
on an atomic level
whilst flicking my bean
to the Enya box set.
[Deadpool]
There's an Enya box set?
Either you kill me
or I kill you.
Both wonderful options.
[Deadpool]
You want me to do it?
No, I'll do it.
[Deadpool] I have
her neck right here.
- It's really no problem.
- You'll screw it up.
[Deadpool]
Oh, come on, Mr. PG-13,
except the last one!
- [gunshots]
- What the fuck?
- [gasping]
- [chuckles] You have no idea
what it's like!
Day after day.
Shovel the shit.
Fetch the meats.
I have spent my entire exis...
Not everyone gets a speech.
- [groaning]
- She's gonna die.
[Deadpool] Okay. Hey, hey.
If I take this helmet off,
do you promise
you won't kill us?
- Fuck!
- [Cassandra] I promise...
I will kill you first thing.
[Deadpool] Oh!
Why are you like this?
I wish I knew.
- Take it off.
- [Deadpool] What?
- Take it off.
- [Deadpool] Why?
- Just take it off.
- This is our only chance
- to fix our shit!
- Take it off!
I am wearing this suit.
And that means a lot of
things, but most of all...
it means I'm an X-Man.
And I know your brother.
As much as I want
to fucking kill you,
every bone in my body
wants to fucking kill you,
he would not let me stand here
and watch you die!
Take your hands off.
This is for him.
This is for Charles.
[Cassandra panting]
[exhales deeply]
- [grunts]
- [Deadpool] Hey, no, no, no!
Don't you dare
do me like Johnny!
My brother loved you.
He loved all of us.
Hmm.
Must be nice.
He would've loved you, too.
If he knew about you...
if he knew where you were,
he would've torn a hole
in the fucking universe
to bring you home.
This is my home.
Well, then at least
let us save his.
You want to hear
something crazy?
An amateur magician rolled
through here a while back.
I killed him, of course.
Wore his skin around
for four days.
But
I found this
little trinket
on his lovely fingers.
[Deadpool] Strange!
[Deadpool gasps]
- Marvel sparkle circle.
- [Wolverine] What is that?
This is your way home.
I do owe you for saving my life.
But let's keep
things interesting.
I'd say you have
about four seconds
before you're Alioth's food.
[Alioth growling]
[Deadpool chuckles] Race ya.
[slow jazz plays, Jimmy
Durante "I'll Be Seeing You"]
I'll be seeing you
In all the old
familiar places
That this heart
of mine embraces
All day through
In that small cafe
- The park across the way
- [screaming]
The children's carousel
The chestnut trees,
the wishing well
I'll be seeing you
In every lovely
summer's day
[screams]
I'll find you
in the morning sun
And when the night is new
I'll be looking
at the moon
But I'll be seeing you
[Alioth snarls]
[Peter] And as I said, we've
got a standard three-year
bumper to bumper warranty.
Glad you gave us
a second chance.
And don't worry.
Wade and I are a team,
so I'll see he gets
half the commission...
[all gasp]
- [Deadpool groans]
- Whoa.
[Deadpool]
That feels like a Kia.
It's a fucking Kia Carnival,
isn't it? [groans]
Holy shit. That's Deadpool.
And that's Wolverine.
[Deadpool]
You're damn straight it is.
Fox killed him.
Disney brought him back.
They're going to make him
do this till he's 90.
Let's go.
[Peter] I'll clock you out!
[Deadpool] Forever!
Forever.
Wakey-wakey.
- [snorts] God?
- [chuckles]
Now, you put all these bullets
in my belly,
and I'm gonna find out why.
Whoa, whoa!
I'll just say it.
You don't have to stick
your fingers in me.
Jesus, just ask sometimes.
Fine.
Really?
Hands in pockets.
[breathing heavily]
Guy named Paradox.
He said he'd get me
out of The Void.
All I know is
he works for the TVA.
The TVA.
We had an agreement.
I don't think this guy cares.
Huh. He will.
Hey, people!
How much longer before
the Time Ripper is active?
We're running
the final safety checks.
Oh, okay. All right. Thanks
for all your hard work, Ralph.
- Take your time.
- Really?
No, you drooling boob!
No! We have company.
Cancel the safety checks.
We need to be live now!
Oh, I hate you so much.
No! Stop!
Piss off! You're too late.
- You're fuckin' done.
- Why was Thor crying?
[Mr. Paradox] How dare you!
No one comes back from The Void.
Tell that to Cassandra Nova.
[choral music playing]
Paradox. We have a problem.
[bones snap]
[Cassandra] Paradox.
Well, you are doughier than
you looked in Pyro's head.
You tried to kill me.
I literally have no i...
[Cassandra]
You come for the king,
you better kill the king.
[Deadpool] Oh-ho-ho!
Welcome to
the skull fuck club, Paradox.
You know she doesn't
wash that hand.
- Oh.
- [grunting strainfully]
What's this?
A Time Ripper?
Naughty boy.
[Deadpool] Oh, no.
We're on it.
We're gonna head down
and dismantle that thing now.
We got ya, boo. You just
keep playing those keys.
I don't want to destroy it.
I want to use it.
Now, shoo. Mummy and Daddy
are having a conversation.
[both yelling]
[groans]
You know, the funny thing is,
I was happy in The Void.
You sent your trash to me.
Alioth and I cleaned it up.
Everyone was happy.
And then you had to go and
piss on my side of the fence.
And so now the fence
must come down.
I'm going to use
your little Time Ripper.
And I'm going to destroy
this universe
and the next and the next
and the next
until all that's left
is The Void.
And I get to play God.
- Come on.
- [Mr. Paradox groans]
Now you're going to show me
how to use
this fancy gadget of yours.
And don't worry,
I've called some friends
to make sure
we're not disturbed.
- [knock at door]
- Sorry to bother, madam,
but there's something
you need to see.
We're getting indications
of an unsanctioned Time Ripper
activating on Earth-10005.
Whose district is that?
Paradox.
[Mr. Paradox gasps, exhales]
Well, thank you so much
for your help, darling.
God. Good to get out
of that head.
Whew! What a mess!
[both groaning]
[Deadpool] Stop!
Let's give it a beat
for the extras to clear.
Go, go, go, go, go!
Oh, my God!
- Oh. My. God.
- Fuck.
[classic rock music plays,
"Make Me Lose Control"]
[Deadpool] It's her!
- Come on, girl!
- [Dogpool barks]
[barks]
Was love always this good
Or could this be
just the start?
Come on, girl!
Baby, baby
Turn the radio up
for that sweet sound
Hold me close,
never let me go
Keep this feelin' alive...
That's my girl!
We don't have to be apart
ever, ever again.
Never, ever...
- Sorry!
- [Deadpool] Fuck!
[song stops]
What's Cafe Gratitude
doing here?
- Sorry about that.
- [Dogpool whimpering]
[Deadpool] Tremble not,
sweet Mary Puppins.
[whispers] I'll handle him.
Come here, girl.
Papa's here.
[Deadpool] Hey, do not insult
this animal's autonomy.
She can decide who her papa is.
What's it gonna be, girl, huh?
Original recipe
or Van Milder here?
Ah, that's funny. I can gently
tap the fourth wall too.
The Proposal.
[Deadpool] The fuck was that?
Bitch, you think
that's what I do?
Both of you shut up.
- [sniffs]
- You smell somethin'?
Yeah, you.
- [sniffs]
- A lot of you.
[dramatic mysterious
music playing]
[tink]
Told you there were
a lot of Deadpools over there.
[dramatic music continues]
[Deadpool] That's bad.
[neck cracks]
[music fades out]
I take it they're not friendly.
[Nicepool] Goodness, no.
Sorry about this, boys.
Mission over.
Cause of death, one hundred
kill-thirsty Deadpools.
They're dumb.
But they can fight.
Not me, though.
Would love to get in the mix,
but I have low bone density
and I have to keep my face safe.
[Deadpool smooches]
Hold, please.
- Oh, God.
- [Deadpool] All right. Look.
Guys!
Deadpool Prime here.
- Our fight isn't with you...
- [kid] Hey!
When I want your opinion,
I'll take Wolverine's dick
out of your mouth.
That's Kidpool.
She's the dirtiest.
[Deadpool]
Can we just be done?
[Ladypool] Ooh,
we're just getting started.
[Deadpool] No, no, no, no, no.
With the whole multiverse thing.
It's not great.
It's just been miss
after miss
after miss.
Look, The Wizard of Oz
did the multiverse first,
and they did it best.
The gays knew it.
But we didn't listen.
Let's just take the L
and move on.
I think it's been
steadily great since Endgame.
[Ladypool]
What are you talking about?
The multiverse is over.
[Cowboypool]
Cassandy gonna destroy
the fuck outta every timeline.
Heh. Y'all can't do shit
about it.
[Deadpool] Do you not get it?
If we don't go down
to the subway
and stop her, we all die.
[Cowboypool]
Say, the boss lady
don't want no disturbances.
You wanna get down
to the subway,
you gotta go through us.
Uzi time, baby.
[Ladypool] Uzi time, baby.
[Deadpool] Look alive!
[Headpool yells]
[grunts]
- I think I'm hit.
- [Wolverine] No shit.
You did that on purpose.
[Deadpool]
I did no such thing!
Listen to me, gorgeous.
How long does it take
for you to regenerate?
Regenerate?
- [crow caws]
- [Dogpool grunts]
[retches]
You really are God's
perfect idiot, aren't you?
- I'm okay.
- [Deadpool] How dare you!
You insensitive son of a bitch!
How was I supposed to know
he doesn't regenerate?
I'm not a medicine woman.
Look. A donut cart.
They're practically hospitals.
- What?
- [Deadpool] They sell
- portable triage units.
- They don't.
[Deadpool] I'm gonna
get you to safety.
- He's not.
- [Deadpool] Deep breath.
[panting]
Hey, why are we stopping?
[Deadpool]
I'm just catching my breath.
What, are your legs on
vacation? You're dead weight!
That's because I'm paralyzed.
[Deadpool] We all have
problems. Listen to me.
You're gonna live.
Look at me, Nicepool.
[gunfire continues]
You're gonna live.
Say it!
I'm gonna live.
Say it with me.
You're gonna live.
[fumbling] I'm gonna live!
[Deadpool] Ha-hah!
Say it louder!
I'm gonna live...
[gunfire]
Hold your fire!
Sweet little puppy.
[Deadpool grunting]
God damn it!
I don't think
he's gonna make it.
God, he loved his face.
I can taste his final thought.
He was so afraid.
But he died a hero.
He died from murder,
you dumb fuck.
[Deadpool] And all I have
to remember him by
are these two gold-plated,
.50 caliber
Desert Eagle pistoleros.
This is for him.
Are you ready?
I get to kill a hundred yous?
Fuck yeah, I'm ready.
Hey, you don't want
to see this, bub.
[Deadpool] That's a good girl.
['80s pop music plays,
Madonna "Like a Prayer"]
Life is a mystery
Everyone must stand alone
I hear you call my name
And it feels like
Home...
[Deadpool] Holy shit.
You save the good stuff
for special occasions?
Killing, mostly.
[Deadpool]
What's the wind resistance
on those blowjob handles?
- [grunts]
- [laughs] I'm sorry.
I'm just a catty bitch
when I'm jealous.
All right, let's do this.
Maximum effort.
[song pauses]
[Deadpools yelling]
- [song resumes playing]
- [all grunting]
When you call my name
It's like a little prayer
I'm down on my knees
I want to take you there
In the midnight hour
I can feel your power
Just like a prayer
You know I'll take you there
Life is a mystery
Everyone must stand alone
I hear you call my name
You're dead.
And it feels like
[Deadpools yelling]
Let the choir sing
When you call my name
It's like a little prayer
I'm down on my knees
I wanna take you there
In the midnight hour
I can feel your power
Just like a prayer
You know I'll take you there
Motherfucker.
I wish I were deaf.
I'll take you there
It's like a dream to me
Oh oh, yeah
yeah yeah yeah yeah
Just like a prayer,
I'll take you there
Oh yeah, yeah
It's like a dream to me
Oh, oh
It's like a prayer...
[crying Deadpool] I don't
wanna die. I don't wanna die.
I don't wanna...
[outro music playing]
- [song ends]
- [Deadpool grunts]
[Deadpool] Come on.
Oh, I blew it.
After all that, the only thing
they're gonna remember
is that God-awful dismount!
[giggling]
What you laughing at,
you little fucker?
[Babypool] Uh-oh.
[Deadpool] Uh-oh.
[Babypool cooing]
[Babypool giggling]
I guess these ones regenerate.
Come on.
We don't have time for this.
[Peter] Deadpools!
Stand down.
[heroic music playing]
This Deadpool's with me.
[Deadpool] Oh, no.
[Ladypool] Holy shit.
[Kidpool]
That's fuckin' Peter!
[Deadpools cheering]
[Deadpool] Wait, you...
You guys know Peter?
[Ladypool] You kidding me?
Every Deadpool has a Peter.
[Cowboypool] Shit.
Peter's a goddamn legend
in every Deadpool's world.
Peter-san. Hai.
[Deadpools cheering]
[Peter laughs]
[Deadpools chanting]
Peter. Peter. Peter.
Peter. Peter. Peter.
Peter. Peter. Peter.
- Peter. Peter. Peter.
- [Peter laughing]
[Deadpool] Enjoy my Peter.
- [tense music playing]
- [Time Ripper thrumming]
[Time Ripper whirring]
Oh, now you're here.
Oh, well, you're too late.
It's all over.
Not yet, it's not.
[Deadpool] Whoa. No, no, no.
We're very close.
Homestretch, folks. Promise.
Quick, let's up the stakes.
If she steals
the Time Ripper's energy,
she has the power to shred
the fabric of all realities
until there is nothing left
but The Void.
How do we shut it down?
I don't know.
[Mr. Paradox grunts]
[Wolverine] How about now?
[Deadpool] The mask
is really intimidating, huh?
It's like Batman,
except he can move his neck.
Okay, look, look, look.
The Ripper is fed from
a secure chamber below ground.
It is powered by twin matter
and anti-matter feeds
converging inside the device.
Now, Cassandra Nova
is redirecting
the Ripper's power
to eliminate all timelines,
starting with this one.
Theoretically,
you could stop her
by short-circuiting the feeds
in the chamber below.
One of you were to create a
circuit between the two feeds,
then the released power
would destroy the machine.
- But, well... But...
- [Deadpool] Come on, man.
If you're not gonna swallow,
spit it out.
Whoever formed the bridge
would be annihilated.
I could live with that.
[Deadpool] Yeah, I could live
with that, too, actually.
You know, we survive anything.
We're like cockroaches.
- [Deadpool chuckles]
- [Mr. Paradox] Not this time.
This is matter and anti-matter.
They do not play nicely
with each other.
When they mix in your body,
you will be atomized.
Trust the laws of physics
if you don't trust me.
Even if you lived long enough
to make the circuit,
you will die down there.
[crackling]
[dramatic choral
music playing]
[moaning]
[Wolverine] Hold off. Hold.
You heard that asshole upstairs.
Even if we pull this off,
we're dead. Permanently.
- That's why it's got to be me.
- What?
Look, man... [panting]
you didn't ask for any of this.
You were right.
I lied.
I lied right to your face
just to get you to help me.
And you did.
You didn't lie.
You made an educated wish.
Come on.
You got a whole world
to go back to.
I got nothin'.
I got nothin'.
Give me this.
Hey.
I waited a long time
for this team-up.
You know something?
You were the best Wolverine.
[sentimental music playing]
Say hi to your friends for me.
[Wolverine grunts]
No!
Open the door!
[Deadpool] I can't hear you
over all the noble sacrifice.
Why are you fucking doing this?
[Deadpool]
Because I'm Marvel Jesus.
Or Spock.
Hard to say.
[glass squeaks]
[smooches]
[Wolverine] Wade!
You fucking idiot!
[Deadpool laughs]
Sorry, I'm just stalling.
I think I'm nervous about dying.
This should be me.
[Deadpool] Say hi to
my friends for me, peanut.
[Wolverine] Wade!
You want to be an
annoying prick, do it this side!
You're gonna die in there,
you dumb fuck!
[breathing heavily]
Hey! You don't need
to do this.
[Deadpool] I'm not doing it
'cause I need it.
I'm doing it because they do.
[grunts]
[straining]
No!
[grunting]
[straining]
[grunts]
[straining]
[exhales]
[continues straining]
He's not gonna make it.
[strains]
It's over.
[grunts]
[straining]
[continues straining]
[screaming]
[choir]
When you call my name
It's like a little prayer
I'm down on my knees
I want to take you there
In the midnight hour
I can feel your power
Just like a prayer
You know I'll take you there
[grunting]
Take you there
Life is a mystery
Everyone must stand alone
[straining]
- I hear you call my name
- [grunting]
- And it feels like
- [straining]
- And it feels like home
- [straining]
[rumbling]
[yelling]
[screaming]
[music fades]
[Deadpool] The Wolverine.
He's a hero in my world.
[Wolverine] Whoever
you think I am,
you got the wrong guy.
[Laura] You were always
the wrong guy...
till you weren't.
Life is a mystery
[Mr. Paradox] Wade.
Everyone must stand alone
Wade. You can finally,
finally matter.
I hear you call my name
And it feels like
Home
[straining]
I hear your voice
Vanessa.
It's like an angel sighing
I wanna see Vanessa.
I have no choice
I hear your voice
Feels like flying
For the first time in my life,
I am proud to wear this suit.
It means I'm an X-Man.
I am the X-Man.
I can feel your power
Just like a prayer
You know I'll take you there
[screaming]
When you call my name
It's like a little prayer
I'm down on my knees
[screaming]
In the midnight hour
I can feel your power
Just like a prayer
You know I'll take you,
take you, take you
[song fades out]
[solemn music playing]
[woman] Paradox.
You've been busy.
Well, somebody had to be.
We had some strange readings
from this location.
You wouldn't know anything about
an unsanctioned Time Ripper,
would you?
Uh, no. No.
I wouldn't know anything
about an unsanctioned
Time Ripper.
Maybe you should ask
Cassandra Nova.
Because I was assured
that she was safely held
in The Void. But no,
she was here.
And she fondled my brain.
- How did you let this happen?
- You weren't involved at all?
In stopping her, yes!
Yes, I was.
But not nearly enough.
Not as much as the men
who went down there after her.
My men.
My friends.
I warned them.
That they would be completely
obliterated if they went.
But they went anyway. Like...
Like heroes.
[somber music playing]
Because that's who they were.
They just did
what they had to do.
With no concern
for their own safety.
The fact that we are
all still standing here
is a testament to their heroism.
Anyway, there's nothing
you or I can do
to bring them back now.
[Deadpool] He has risen,
baby girl.
Fuck!
And I don't want
the world to see me
'Cause I don't think
that they'd understand
When everything's
made to be broken
I just want you
to know who I am
[Deadpool]
Found your new Anchor Being.
And we're doing just fine,
you piece of shit.
- [female TVA agent] Mm.
- [male TVA agent] Mm-hmm.
Fine indeed.
[Deadpool] All right.
Put your greasy tits away,
you preening slut.
- [sighs]
- I don't understand.
How are you two still alive?
[Deadpool] You were right. One
of us would have been killed.
- [gasps]
- But you put a Deadpool
and a Wolverine together,
make 'em hold hands
while listening to Madonna...
indestructible, motherfucker.
Let's get this Deadpool
Variant back to The Void.
[Deadpool] Wait, hold on.
What?
[Peter] Nope. Actually...
This one's homegrown, like me.
He belongs here.
And you are?
Peterpool.
But you can call me Peter.
And I hope that you do.
What the fuck is happening here?
You are under judgment
for operating
an unsanctioned Time Ripper.
- Take him.
- I was just doing what
you don't have the guts to do.
[Deadpool smooches]
Get your insolent hands
off me! Get off!
I'm grateful, gentlemen.
Let's hold the bows.
You led an Omega-level mutant
to this timeline.
- [Deadpool] You're welcome.
- And you
shouldn't even be
near this timeline.
- [Deadpool] He's welcome.
- And you
look damn good in that suit.
I'm so sorry.
[device beeping]
I wanna show you something.
Something huge.
[Deadpool] That's what
Scoutmaster Kevin used to say.
Do you see that?
Your universe is regenerating.
Whatever you did here,
you not only saved your world.
You spared your timeline
from extinction.
I'd rest up.
I have a feeling your work
is only just getting started.
[Deadpool whispers]
Till you're 90.
Wait! Um...
We couldn't have made it out
of The Void without some help
from some people
that the world kind of...
kind of forgot.
Is there any way that
you could maybe find a way
to bring them home?
I'll see what I can do.
[Deadpool] And, um,
I promised my friend here
that the TVA could undo
some pretty awful shit
in his timeline.
What would you say to that?
Change the past?
[Deadpool] Well, he did
help me save the world.
And his past made him
the man who did it.
There's nothing to fix,
Mr. Wilson.
Logan.
- [Deadpool] Shawarma? Yeah.
- I could eat.
You know, the Avengers
discovered shawarma.
They'd be lucky to have you.
[dog barking]
- Oh.
- Oh, come on.
Fuck off!
Come here, my little cunchkin.
- [Dogpool barks]
- Yes, it's you.
You're a survivor.
Mwah.
Oh, all is right in the world.
Yes, it is.
So what are you gonna do next?
I'll figure it out.
I always do.
All right.
So I'll probably see you around?
[soul music playing,
"You're All I Need to Get By"]
Probably not.
See you, bub.
[Wade] Logan.
Al. I'm back.
About damn time.
You holdin'? I'm all outta
devil's dandruff,
and I'm shaking
like an angry vibrator.
Thank you, Al.
We have company.
Althea, this is...
This is Logan.
- Nice to meet you, Logan.
- Nice to meet you, too.
And this little ancient anal
shit-knot is Mary Puppins.
Or as I like to call her,
Dogpool.
You want to treat yourself
to a little stroke?
- Get the tongue. There it is.
- Oh, my God! Motherfucker!
Right? It's like an armadillo
fucked a gremlin, angrily,
- in a bed of gonorrhea...
- Wow.
...and didn't stop till
the sun came up. [chuckles]
Everyone wants to matter.
Turns out that you don't need
to be Marvel Jesus to do it.
You just need to open
your eyes and look around.
And if you're lucky,
you'll find a few friends.
Old friends,
and some new ones too.
[laughter]
Give me the fucking dog.
Talk to the girl.
[indistinct chatter]
Oh, hi.
- Hi.
- [both laugh]
[Wade clears throat]
You've been busy.
I did it for you.
And even if you don't want me,
I... I did it for you.
Turns out,
I am the world-saving type.
Just look around this table
if you want proof.
And the best part?
Sometimes the people we save,
they save us right back.
["You're All I Need
to Get By" continues playing]
We've got
the right foundation
And with the love
and determination
You're all,
you're all I need
You're all,
you're all I need
You're all
You're all
I need to get by
Yeah, yeah
[alt. rock music plays,
Green Day "Time of Your Life"]
[Charles] You're not
the only one with gifts.
What is this place?
Another turning point,
a fork stuck in the road
Time grabs you by the wrist,
directs you where to go
[groans]
So make the best of this
test and don't ask why
It's not a question, but
a lesson learned in time
- Nice suit.
- Zip it, Stan Lee.
It's something
unpredictable
But in the end is right
I hope you had
the time of your life...
[laughter]
I really like the, uh... the
art in the Deadpool comics.
You know, I just always felt
a kind of a kinship to him.
And I just thought, I'd like
to play that guy someday.
So take the photographs and
still frames in your mind
Hang it on a shelf in
good health and good time
Tattoos of memories
and dead skin on trial
For what it's worth,
it was worth
- All the while
- [applause]
[cheering]
It's something
unpredictable
But in the end is right
I hope you had
the time of your life...
I was there for three weeks
before I shot a single thing.
At our first day of shooting,
I was so nervous, man.
Everyone was sort of going,
"Who's this guy?"
You know,
there was a lot of that and,
you know,
"Is he gonna deliver or not?"
You can feel
all that kind of pressure.
It's always the suit's fault.
Never the actor.
[screaming]
- This is...
- The only way.
It's something
unpredictable
But in the end is right
I hope you had
the time of your life
Ah, so this is
what it feels like.
And there's the lights.
For medical research.
- Bye-bye, video. [smooches]
- [man] Bye.
[song ends]
[instrumental music playing]
[Deadpool] I'm tired of
these absolutely vile rumors
that I got Johnny killed.
Let's look at the tape.
In The Void,
you're either food for Alioth
or you work for her.
[Deadpool] Go on, Johnny.
And I'll tell you who "her" is.
Cassandra Nova.
A megalomaniacal,
psychotic asshole.
A finger licking
dead-inside pixie slab
of third rate dime-store
nut-milk. And I'll tell you
- what she can do.
- [Deadpool] I'm listening.
She can lick my goddamn
cinnamon ring clean
and kick rocks
all the way to bald hell.
In fact, I don't give a shit
if she removes all my skin
and pops me like some
nightmarish blood balloon.
If the last thing I do
in this godforsaken
cum-gutter existence
is light that fuck-box on fire,
I still won't die happy.
[Deadpool laughs]
Holy shit, girl. You crazy.
That's right, Wade. I won't
be happy until I've urinated
on her freshly barbecued corpse
and husk-fucked
the charred remains
while gargling
Juggernaut's juggernuts.
- [Deadpool] Wow!
- And you can quote me.
[Deadpool] 'Kay.
Got you, fuckface.