Deadpool & Wolverine (2024) Movie Script

1
Oh, sorry, I'm excited to be here.
It's been a while.
You know, for a long time, I wasn't
sure I'd ever be back. Disney bought
Fox, there was a whole boring
rights issue, blah-blah-blah-blah-blah.
But then, it turned out they
wanted me. The one guy who
shouldn't even have his own
movie. Much less a franchise.
You are so stupid. Look, we know
the title of this thing, so I know what
you're wondering. How are we gonna do
this without dishonoring Logan's memory?
And I'll tell you how.
Or not. I'm gonna let you
in on a little secret.
Wolverine is not dead.
Sure, it made for a perfect
ending to a very sad story,
but that's not how regenerative
healing factors work.
You think I want to be out
here in beautiful downtown North
Dakota, digging up the one and
only Wolverine? No, thank you.
But the fate of my
entire world is at stake.
You may not be living his
best life, but he sure as hell ain't.
Dead.
Bingo.
Yahtzee.
Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes.
Dammit!
Son of a bitch!
Motherfucker! My
goodness! That was weird.
I'm much calmer now.
Look, I'm not a man of science,
but you seem incredibly passed away.
But it's good to see
you. I gotta be honest,
I've always wanted
to ride with you, Logan.
You and me getting into a
Deadpool, and Wolverine just
fucking shit up. Can you imagine
the fun? The chaos? The residuals.
Did I, Mike?
She has nothing that'll bring me back to
life faster than a big bag of mammal cash.
Me too, Hugh.
No. No, no, no.
Ugh, he had to get all
noble and die for real.
God dammit! I can really
use your help right now.
I'm warning you! I'm not alone!
Wade Winston Wilson. You are under
arrest by the time variance authority.
Too many crimes against you. Come out.
Death by day, player.
Last chance. Throw out your
weapons and come out peacefully.
I'm not gonna give you my weapons!
But I promise not to use them.
There are 206 bones in the human body.
207 if I'm watching Gossip Girl.
Here we go.
Maximum effort.
Okay, Peanut.
I guess we'll get that team up after.
Now let's find out who's on the bus.
So, leaving that room right now.
To be clear, I'm not proud of any of this.
The warden violence, the quiff
of necrophilia, it isn't who I am.
It isn't who I want to be.
Who I want to be? Well,
to help you understand
that. I gotta take you back.
A little joy ride I took through space
and time. To the day it changed everything.
I can't believe I'm finally
here. I've waited for
this moment for so long.
Thank you sir for seeing me.
I firmly believe that my services could
be of great use to your organization.
Now I know I was caught
masturbating in the lobby of Stark Tower.
I'm sure you did that. I'm sorry,
what was that? No, I'm sorry.
That's when you
get those toy pulp
hands, right? And then you
just look down and you just.
.. you brace yourself and
you ravage the midsection.
I get it. Okay, okay.
The picture's painted.
You get the gist. What
exactly brings you here
today? Well, um,
wow, okay. Uh, I care.
I know I'm turning everything
into a joke, but I care.
I want to use that feeling
for something important.
I want to matter to
show my girl that I matter.
And, um, you know, I
feel like I'm wasting the
good stuff here. Is
the man not going to be
joining us? The man?
Yeah. I should say this.
As far as you're concerned
right now, I'm the man.
The man is me. I am the
man in this circumstance.
And if you say he doesn't
do this kind of thing anymore.
Cameos? Meetings.
Entry-level meetings.
Entry-level. Are you
the chauffeur? I...
Common misconception.
I did begin my career as
Mr. Stark's drive-in. I quickly
pivoted to the chauffeur.
And why I am
vetting your resume.
You seem to have left
out whether or not you had
any experience as a member of a team. Could
you maybe add a little bit of perspective?
No, yes, of course.
I was special forces.
But I was mainly, I was
team leader, founder,
really, of X-Force. Sadly,
they all perished in action.
Oh, how exactly did that happen?
Well, the police say
gravity, but if just between
us, they didn't test
well in the focus group.
Particularly cable. Oh, I
can see this isn't going well.
Please stop
writing. Look, I'm just
I want to be an Avenger.
I want to be an Avenger.
Why do you want to be
an Avenger? To look around
you. I mean, they're
the best of the best.
And what they do matters. I need to be an
Avenger. A certain girl is kind of had a mistake.
And if I don't, you know, turn things
around and do something with my gifts,
I don't think it's going to really work
out for me. And I wouldn't blame her.
The Avengers are a
very unique group of
superheroes that stand
for something more than just
fighting and wearing costumes. I mean,
people look up to us. Kids look up to us.
I'm sorry. Us?
I wasn't aware that you were an Avenger.
Avengers adjacent, technically. What's your
superpower? Is it parallel parking? I was so sorry.
That was cruel. I lash out when
I'm nervous. It won't happen again.
Let's cut to the chase, please. You just
said moments ago that you wanted to be an
Avenger because you
need it. Yes, sir, I do.
But the Avengers don't do
the job because they need it.
They do the job because
people need them.
Do you see the
distinction? Yes, sir.
Please, Mr. Hogan,
I don't want to
spend the rest of my life like
an annoying one-trick pony.
Oh my God. You're standing.
Yeah, now's the time that we stand.
Damn it. Now, the
problem might be that you're
reaching a little too
high. Name for the middle
and you'll never miss. Right?
I think you got a good one.
I believe what you're saying.
But not everybody's
the world-saving type.
I'm not. I'm happy.
Right? I found my place.
Find your place. All right, get back
out there. We'll keep an eye. Good luck.
Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. That's the car.
I want to hit Shake Shack. Or injection.
No, no, no, no. No, please.
No, no, no, no. Okay.
You know what they say. When one
door closes, your locker at work opens.
Okay, let's go sell some certified
pre-owned vehicles. Come on there.
Technically, the carnival's not a minivan.
It's an MPV.
So how does the Kia compare
to the Honda Odyssey?
The Odyssey? That's a great question.
It doesn't fucking suck.
You know, you can't answer
the question without swearing.
I'm sorry, Tammy. I don't have kids.
Not that I haven't dropped to that.
And I don't have a lot of actual sex.
You'll get it next time, pal. And look,
you can always go back to super-heroing.
I mean, I know I'd like to
see you back in the suit.
I'll keep it in my locker
so that I can wear it.
Keep it in my locker in case
we need to saddle up again.
Hey, hey, hey. What are you doing in there?
I'm done. I'm done.
And I'm fine with being done.
Look, is sales the best match?
Probably not.
Is this the life that I always
imagined for myself? Fuck no.
This is the right fit for
me. Sugar bear, it is.
Okay, Mr. Wilson.
I'm just saying, once a month,
we can go on a little mission.
We're human beings. We crave purpose.
After all, we're deadpool.
Please stop saying that. We're not
deadpool. I'm not even deadpool anymore.
Well, if we're gonna help you.
This life crisis, go
big. A few years ago, a
friend of mine got his
nipples pierced with
a titanium chain that goes down
and attaches to his man, Johnson.
Are you feeling gruffalstiltskin
because it's your birthday?
Surprise!
All right, you guys are
lucky I'm not an armpit.
Get in here.
This was six years ago.
You don't need that.
So then, he gets out of the
cab, and you would not believe it.
I turn around. What
do I find? Airpods.
Hey, there's one!
Come on! Crazy stories.
Every time. Come on.
Make any sales today?
You know I didn't. Did
you sell any dreamcatchers
on fancy or whatever
it is that you do?
I rinse two and three days wait.
I can't keep carrying you.
Relax. I have the money.
I sold some old blood
pressure medication
I found lying around.
You're trying to kill me, motherfucker.
I'm not the one dousing
everything in salt, motherfucker.
I pray every day that fire finds
your body and finishes the job.
God didn't have the nuts to do.
That's hurtful.
If you could hear the look on
my face, you'd smell how sad I am.
You watchin' me good?
Great British Bake Off.
Oh, goddamn.
That shit stood between
me and suicide for 10 years.
Those are my feelings.
Abortion, religious freedom,
animal rights, privacy rights, vaccines,
free market capitalism,
global climate change.
No, no, no, no, most people that's fucked.
Are you cute? Hi, Wade.
Nice fake o'clock shadow.
It's a summer balayage from the French.
It's meant to mimic the
natural highlights of the sun.
It's a toupee.
It's a hair system.
I love your hair system, Wade.
Thank you.
Wanna do some cocaine?
Hey, cocaine is the one thing
that Vicky said is off limits.
What about the Libyan marching belt?
They know all the slang terms.
They have a list.
Even snowboarding? Even disco dust? White
girl interrupted? Even force bump? Focus show.
I wouldn't even try powdered gonads. Do
you want to build a snowman? Yes! I can't.
Poll here. What happened? That's the plus
part. Thanks for coming. Yeah. How's work?
Oh, I got a promotion. No way. Yeah. It's
my numbing middle management, but I'm happy.
That's great. How do I see him?
Yeah. Guy from work. German. He's kind.
He likes to go hiking. Hasn't gotten
me shot yet. Well, it's the early days.
How about you? You seeing anyone?
No, no. I live in a one-bedroom apartment.
Sure bet with blind Al. All right.
All right. Happy birthday to you.
Okay. Okay. Okay. Birthdays. Boy, every spin around the moon is a new adventure, indeed. Sun
dumbass. Okay, round earther. Where was I? Yeah, the baby shoot of life. Right. It's been a
challenging few years. I haven't seen you guys in a while. Been through a lot. Change of life.
And a pause. Bitch, are you improving? I'm sorry that you had to see that you feel. Fucking.
Yeah. But I'm happy. That's because of each and every one of you.
I guess what I'm trying to say is how proud I am, how grateful I am
to be standing in a room with every single person I love. I'm the
luckiest man alive. Make a wish, buddy. 10-4, good buddy. Going down.
We will see. Oh, yeah. Dancers. Depender must have ordered you. Are those supposed to be cop
costumes? Never mind. Take your clothes off, but leave the helmets. And this isn't pretty woman.
We're kissing. What song do you guys normally dance to? Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa,
whoa. Is that supposed to be scary? Hanging isn't new for me, friendo. But it is for Disney.
I've never been a natural bottom. So we're going to take things real slow. And I want some crazy
eye contact. You, you can't see your eyes through the mask, but I can feel and we're going to
move on down the hallway so we can spare a cleanup on aisle asshole. How's everyone feel about
this plan? I don't like you. Yes, let's hold on to that attitude. And we're going to do it angry.
Mr. Wilson, you appear to have soiled yourself while unconscious. I was
unconscious. Who are you? I go by the name of paradox, Mr. Paradox. And you're
sitting here at the TVA, the Time Variance Authority. We're really a watchdog
organization, except we're more lighthearted than that sounds with sort of...
throwback ironic twist. And we're in charge of defending what's known as the sacred timeline. Holy fuck,
that is a shit ton of exposition for a three-quel. Is this because I used Cable's time machine? Brought
a couple of people back to life, then I destroyed it. It was a long time ago. Yes, we're aware of your
abuse of your timeline. You are so abusive of it. No, it has nothing to do with that. Walk with me.
I brought you here, Mr. Wilson, to tell you that you're special. In fact,
you've been chosen for a higher purpose, a purpose unclear even to me.
But one that could save the entire sacred timeline from a possibly grisly
fate sometime in the future, which may very well need to be avenged.
This sacred timeline, I assume I'm going to marvel at how cinematic it is.
Gratuitous scamions, indiscriminate use of variance, the whole package. You
tell me. Wade, you can be a hero among the heroes. We've been surveilling you
for quite a while, subway station. The TVA on those stairs. But what is that?
Is that me? Is that Thor? Is he crying?
Let's not get ahead of ourselves.
That happens in the distant future.
Why is there crying? What are you doing?
Stop that. Eyes on me. I brought you here to offer you an opportunity. The
opportunity you sought years ago, but for which you were not ready. We believe
you're ready now. Ready for a chance to leave your timeline and join the
greatest universe of all. I'm about to give you the thing you've always wanted.
I smell what you're stepping in.
The power in the Marvel
universe is about to change forever.
I am Messiah.
I am... Marvel Jesus.
Excuse me. She's getting over here.
Suck it, Fox.
I want to go to Disneyland.
Where do I sign?
Oh, it's not even my boy.
Good. Not to brag, but I do not read.
There is one thing I will need, though.
Fuck off. Adorn me, Beardo.
Fuck it! It's perfect.
FYI, your tailor is a
predator, but I love it.
So, no camel toe, no car smell, and
adamantium katomas? You shouldn't have.
Go ahead. Take it in.
And yes, your underwear is
getting tighter. That guy
knows what I'm talking about.
His clothes say middle management,
but his eyes say fucky fucky.
Yes, you look very nice.
Nice? Your buddy here is
ready to throw it all away from me.
You calling your wife? Ain't chalked.
Is your wife working HR?
I'm really glad you're taking this so well.
Oh, I'm taking it well. I have never
had a problem traveling for work.
That said, we should
talk vacation days.
I'm more of a one-week-on,
one-week-off kind of guy.
I think it's what
they do in Denmark.
You know, you'll never see
a Danish flag on the moon.
But, god damn it, they're happy.
Now, let's power up your little Amazon
Fire phone there and send me back
home so I can let my friends know
that they've been upgraded to Disciples.
Yeah, I hear that you quite
understand. You will not be returning
to your home because there
will be no home to return to.
Come again? This time in my ears?
This is your
universe, Mr. Wilson.
That is what happens when a
universe loses their anchor being.
See how it decays from the inside?
This is how a reality dies.
What's an anchor being?
An anchor being is an entity of
such vital importance that when
they die, their whole world
slowly withers out of existence.
You've just won the
lottery because I didn't die.
It's just a little midlife
crisis, I'm better now.
Oh, my god!
Oh, lots of laughs.
Can you imagine if you
were the anchor being? Yeah.
No, it isn't you, Mr. Wilson.
Your anchor being died in
an act of self-sacrifice so epic.
That it sent shivers down the timeline.
I am referring, of course, to...
The Wolverine.
Don't be on my page.
Logan! The guy who forks for hands!
That Wolverine! Yeah, I got it.
You can turn your retro graphics
of death off now. Make it stop.
We're not doing it, Mr. Wilson.
We certainly can't stop it.
How long have we got?
In most cases, a couple thousand years.
Well, sweet.
Most cases aren't fast enough. Not for me.
What does that mean?
It means that I have been tasked with
overseeing the end of your universe.
Regardless of what the Council
pushes upstairs would refer.
I will not waste my life watching
it die slowly in natural causes.
We used to just prune these things.
Simple, elegant, efficient.
But I'm told the TVA doesn't
like to do that anymore.
Well, I do. And no matter
what my so-called superiors say,
the multiverse does not need a babysitter.
We need a mercy killer.
And in this instance,
I am the mercy killer.
What in the macguffin is that?
That's a time gripper, Mr. Wilson.
An accelerant. Once completed,
it will allow me to destroy the
space-time matrix of your universe.
You see, I don't want to work for the TVA.
I want to be the TVA.
And the first step involves
showing this organisation
how much more efficient
it can become to it.
I will be giving your universe
a swift and compassionate end.
And don't worry, your friends won't
feel a thing. It'll be over just like this.
Oh, what's that? Trust me.
You're gonna hold the
other in my fucking universe.
In your parlance, yes.
Two in the heart, one in the head.
Look, Mr. Wilson, you have two choices.
You can either rejoin your loved
ones and collectively cease to exist
in, I'd say, 72 hours, or
you join the sacred timeline
and you end your days of
insignificance and mediocrity.
Wade.
Wade, you can finally, finally matter.
That's all I've ever really won.
I know. I know.
And, you know, I'm
nothing if not morally flexible.
Yep, yep.
I'll do it.
Why's choice?
Sacred timelines are happy to have you.
I was talking about finding the
wolverine and breaking your fucking nose.
Find him.
Find him!
And boy, did he ever...
Which brings us back to this.
The desecration of the sacred corpse.
Argh!
Take it slow, mangle!
You sick fuck!
Wilson was a hero and the only viewer
of the shit to ever come out of Canada.
Get my country's name
out of your fucking mouth.
And my sword. Look at that.
Oh, I gotta find me another Logan.
And a live one.
Don't get up, guys.
I'll just get myself out.
Logan!
I'm gonna need you to come with me.
Who's that?
You're this little hairy blue retin.
Did you stick to landing, little guy?
Yes, you did, comic-accurate short-king.
Such a cute widow, wovee.
Cue the fucking montage, baby.
Boy, everything seems to be on fire.
Do you have a dragon?
You have Anchor Bean with all old stuff.
I'm auditioning Anchor Bean.
Oh, that's gonna be some coconut oil.
Oh, damn, fuck.
Oh, yes, yes.
Classic John Burn Brown intent.
Now, we found the Hulk
in this outfit, you know?
I'm Marvel Jesus, you
dull creature, and I want...
...in a different direction.
If you're behind, you
look a little bit like Henry.
Oh, my fuck! The cavalry.
The legends are true.
And may I say, sir, on
behalf of all humanity,
this just feels right.
We will treat you so much better
than the shit-fucks down the street.
You were just leaving.
No, sir.
Not all the fate of my universe is in here.
This one looks promising.
Down you go.
Again.
I told you, you're not welcome here.
You're not welcome anywhere.
Now get the fuck out of my bar.
Just give me one more
drink and then I'll leave.
That's not how it works.
And it does now. Leave the bottle.
I know you, Bubba.
Nope. But I know you.
Everybody knows me.
I'm the Wolverine.
Yes, you are, and I'm gonna
need you to come with me right now.
Look, lady, I'm not interested.
Really get into your cuffs, sir.
Why would I go with you?
Because, unfortunately, I need you.
And even more unfortunately,
my entire world needs you.
Are you two gonna fuck or fight?
You gonna take that from him?
Yep.
I can tell you if I
sort of don't get too
close, I'll only break
your heart by going here.
But every other Wolverine
work really hurt me by now.
And I'm sort of on the tic-tic,
so... Oopsy daisy, here we go.
Hey, guys.
Whiskey, think of the claws.
It's quite common in Wolverines over 40.
You don't want this.
You're right.
And you don't want this.
Unless you want to take
a deep breath through
your fucking forehead.
I suggest you reconsider.
Let's go, Peanut.
Hold on, hold on, hold on.
Watch this.
Alright.
That's blue.
Easy.
Good God.
Thirsty little honey
badger, aren't ya? It's okay.
Keep going.
Audiences are accustomed to long run times.
I guess you'll have to do...
Okay.
Ooh, look at those jammies.
That only took 20 fucking years.
One interview coming right up.
On your left, baby girl.
This Logan has the same.
He can do anything he even uses.
Oh, Miss.
He's actually wearing
a costume like he's not
embarrassed to be in a
superhero movie for once.
I don't understand.
You said my universe is dying.
Because this sack of
nuts got himself killed.
Well, problem solved.
My God.
You actually think you can
replace an anchovy with this?
I wouldn't have accepted any
other Wolverine meeting notes.
But you have outdone yourself
and brought me the worst Wolverine.
What do you mean
the worst one, Mr.
Wilson? This Wolverine
let down his entire world.
He's the stuff of legend,
but not in the good way.
And what he did?
Well, some things are
just beyond forgiveness.
Okay. How do I make this right?
I can be all do anything.
I gave you a chance at greatness.
Because my superiors deemed you special.
Clearly not special in a good way.
Apparently you have some
important future purpose to serve.
With Thor, he holds me.
But I did my duty.
I gave you the opportunity to be somebody.
And instead of accepting my offering with
humility and gratitude, you broke my nose.
It looks great.
And you decimated dozens of my
men with the exhumed corpse of a hero.
And sovereign not only
his remains, but his memory.
What are you, the internet?
Your world is dying.
Thank you very much.
Unless they're stopping it.
Mr. Men, Mr. Menckett.
Quick! Is the thought of vaporizing
my universe making you peckish?
I'm reaching my feelings.
I'm about to lose everything that I've
ever cared about because that hairy
thunder-confront-down undercon finally dies
and he's standing right behind me, isn't he?
Welcome to the MCU, by the way.
You're joining at a bit of a low point.
Nice for you. I want to talk to your boss.
I want you to get him on
the phone, and you tell him,
her, or them that Marvel
H. Christ isn't playing.
Holy shit.
I just heard a symphony of
buttholes clenching all at once.
You're off grid. Your bosses
don't know what you sick
fucks are doing down
here. Well, I'll tell you what.
I have a black belt in
carrot, and I'm gonna go
upstairs, and I'm gonna
tell them all about you.
Oh, silence is nice.
Where the fuck did he go?
To the trash heap.
You'll fit right in.
That was close.
Don't just stand there, you ape.
Give me a head-up.
No, I'm actually okay. Thank you.
Where the hell are
we? I don't know.
Looks kind of Mad Maxie.
But that would be IP
infringement, right? Fucking jokes.
Fuck!
Where are you even
listening back there? We
don't make it back to
that Mr. Paradox asshole.
Everyone I know is gonna die.
Not my fucking crop.
Was that all you got? Is that what you said
when your world went to shit? Come again.
Yeah, I heard all about you.
You screwed up everything.
You should be thanking me for
pulling you out of that bed you shit in.
Where the fuck are you?
You are stubborn son of a bitch.
Are you ready to be
calm now? Rest in peace.
I don't want to fight you, Peanut.
Doesn't matter what you did.
I just need your help.
I don't fucking care.
No, no, no, no.
Fuck. This is gonna hurt.
Alright!
Fuck it!
Let's get the people what they came for!
Let's fucking go.
Get your spectral sock out nerds.
This gonna get good.
Ew.
Let's see you blow your fucking head back.
I can fix it. I can fix it.
Fix what?
Whatever it is that you did.
Whatever beats you so bad.
Those fucks.
In the TVA you heard them.
They have the power to end my universe.
But they also have the
power to change yours.
We get back there, and
we can fix your world.
Together.
Remember, I promise... they can fix it.
Hey! We fight each other, we lose.
Dear God, is superhero
equivalent to comfort food or Molly?
White guys answer to all the
disappointments in another A-Lister.
Fair warning, gorgeous. You're going to
encounter some of the delicate language.
The smidge of ass play
mode we've been through.
Imminent!
Remusing cocaine on camera.
They're coming.
Who's they?
Sandra's gonna be... Kitty,
when she sees what we caught.
Can't run. Everybody knows that.
You see anyone running, dick for brains?
You're not gonna love what happens next.
Oh my God.
Dwight, oh my God, he's gonna say it.
Oh my God, he's gonna say it!
Say what?
Avengers Avengers!
Claymore!
Sorry, what now?
We don't know that guy.
We thought we did.
I know you.
Holy shit.
Save her, twos.
Your brother.
Ready to die.
Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.
Time!
You look ridiculous.
People have waited decades for this fight.
It's not gonna be easy.
Maybe not even shoot the devil.
Take him down.
Side control.
Then full mount and you ground and pound.
Until he makes no sound because he's dead.
Shut the fuck up.
Oh my God.
Okay, good luck.
I'm a huge fan.
What is it, girl?
Is there trouble at
the well? Big trouble.
Behold the head of your
precious queen, Furiosa.
I have the wolverine.
I alone control her.
You come for me.
You come for her.
I'm so sorry.
I know it's pronounced him.
I'm gender blind.
It's my cross to bear.
Who's next? Toden.
You're up.
Got him, Hunter.
How long was I asleep?
Not all of you was asleep.
Don't bother.
We're very thorough.
You know where we are. Start talking.
You're in the void.
Look at this purgatory.
Reed called it a metaphysical junkyard.
Where anything useless goes
before it gets annihilated forever.
And where the TVA sends people that don't
play nice with the rest of the multiverse.
Like you.
And you.
What does the
annihilate it? A lion.
A lion is in this thing?
From Loki season one episode five?
Everyone here is on the run from a lion.
Most don't make it.
There's a resistance though.
Other people like us
that manage to survive.
They're hiding out in the borderlands
trying to find a way to fuck out of here.
That's where we go.
We? Us? A team?
The answer is yes.
Shake us.
Fuck! You're knitted.
Just got the tip with
your little steak knife.
These others can help
us get back to the TVA.
They can fix things.
Something funny, bub?
She might have something to say about that.
Who's she? In the void.
You're either food for a
lion or you work for her.
Huh. All right, finally aged.
You must fit in serious juggernaut.
Thank you.
I'll keep your voices down.
She don't like the chatter.
She's gonna love you.
Hey, hey, Jack!
It's us!
That's not chunky.
Shh.
Oh, ableism, great.
That's not gonna go over
well with the wolf mob.
A wolverine!
I wondered when I'd get one.
You're one of Xavier's.
You know him, you know
Chuck? Oh, I knew him.
We shared a wound.
Tried to strangle this little
fellow with my umbilical cord.
Hey, man. I've never loved roommates.
Mine's blind. Except she could see cocaine.
For some reason.
You want to chime in, your
majesty? I'm dying here.
Who are you?
Charles Xavier's twin, Cassandra Nova.
Bullshit.
That was an anal birth.
You two are cute.
I have a good feeling about this.
And I've been trying to
catch this little firefly for years.
Haven't I, Johnny?
You've picked the wrong
time to make new friends.
Oh, Johnny told us all about you.
Maybe shut up now.
Maybe no one's talking here.
Johnny told us you're a
psychotic, megalomaniacal asshole.
His word's not mine.
Hell bent on domination and pain.
You said all that about me.
No.
No!
How many eyes are in here?
It's in stones, Johnny!
The letter intimidate you.
Like you said in the convoy.
This finger-licking, dead inside,
pixie slab of third-rate, dime-store nut
milk can eat your delicious cinnamon
ring and kick rocks all the way to bald L.
I have never said any of
those words in my entire life.
The modesty.
People think I'm a shit-talker.
But this guy? Next level.
What?
Wait, I don't even know
what half of that means!
My hat's off to you, sir.
What? I didn't.
.. he's... that's...
I... I... I don't...
Not my favorite, Chris.
Shit, you just got him fucking killed.
Hey, we're all grieving.
Yes.
Nobody was doing it in the budget.
Life is hungry.
There's been some kind of mistake.
Big Yellow is a back-up anchor
being, and I'm Marvel Jesus.
MJ, if you're nasty.
This may be hard to hear, but
there's another British villain.
He's gonna destroy my
universe, and I'm gonna stop him.
Oh, honey, you don't really
strike me as a world-saving type.
Did I hit him off?
I didn't want it to come to this.
Either you help us, or my
friend here is gonna sink
the entire second act of
music, man, with zero warm-up.
Where'd you get the chair?
Once in a while, I do
get a child through here.
Never mind, though. No.
He didn't care to find me.
Ugh!
Jazzy, they're trauma-bragging!
Can't you just stuff
it down, turn it into
accomplishment or
cancer like the rest of us?
But I'm not like the rest of you.
Except maybe the Wolverine.
Now we could be truly terrifying together.
Yeah, that's scary, huh?
The TVA certainly thought so.
They sent me here before I could walk.
And you know it was the best
thing that ever happened to me.
I love it here.
You live in a garbage dump.
I think we both know who
lives in the garbage dump.
The void is a paradise.
I can wield my power here... without shame.
Unfortunately, I had no Charles
Xavier to teach me temperance.
What about your Charles?
Did he protect you?
Did he make you feel safe?
We're mutants, we're never safe.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa,
I don't want the smoke.
I don't have any beef with you.
I just want to save my friends.
I just want to go home.
Well, the thing is, I could get you home.
Good.
But I don't want to.
Not good.
What do you want, Wade Wilson?
Your fingers are inside
me, but not in a good way.
My brother could enter
one's mind through the board.
I'll get out of here.
I've got you.
Right here.
But show me, you've got to do something.
Show you what?
Show me you care about
something bigger than you.
Ever since they turned
you down, you took a knee.
Baby, you never got back up.
I know you're going through something.
Let me go through it with you.
You're crazy, man. Just like me.
Crazy.
If you just say it, okay?
Say, I don't want you.
I don't want to be with you.
Go ahead and say it.
Say, I don't want to be with me.
Tell me that and I'll walk away.
Say, I don't want you.
You'll never fucking matter.
You'll never fucking matter.
She never said that.
No, but I bet she thought it.
You are so mean.
My brain could taste your
fingers if they tasted like hate.
I'm wearing God's name
as the intimacy coordinator.
You're so lost, Mr. Wilson.
And long before you came here.
Mrs. Baby Knife, she's going
to fuck you in the face now.
If you want to kill me, it's going
to take more than a little bit.
How about six?
My wife wouldn't get strong.
That's my big boy that you are.
Well, this has been fun.
But the big guy needs
to eat and the rent is due.
By the way, you're the rent.
What are you thinking, Val?
Get the fuck off me.
Shh, shh, shh.
Almost done.
Almost done.
What?
Getting my knife out of your buttocks.
Get your mind out of my pants.
I'm telling Blake.
New rules.
I talk now.
That's going to be very
hard on the audience.
Shut the fuck up.
What do we fucking think?
We've got to get back to paradox, right?
Right?
Is there an excuse?
Am I allowed to speak now?
Just nod, asshole.
Right.
Then we find the others
that poor kid Johnny
was talking about
before you got him killed.
Poor kid, he's like 50.
If there's a chance they know
how to get out of here, we find them.
Make those TVA fuckers fix
my shit like you fucking promised.
I smell Quest.
I smell food.
So, what made you finally
wear an honest-to-god costume?
Mine's red, so they can't see me bleed.
But I could see how
yellow would be useful, too.
Have you been checked
for ADHD? Mm-hmm.
But I've had several STDs, which
were probably caused by ADHD.
What are you
looking for? Oh, fuck.
No, no, no, no, no, no.
That's robbing alcohol.
You don't want to drink alcohol.
There you go, yep, there you go.
Fuck that liver.
Good.
Okay.
What the fuck are those?
Back in civilian life, I wear
a toupee, but nobody knows.
Everybody knows.
Want to talk about what's haunting you, or
should we wait for a third act flashback?
Uh, go fuck yourself.
Hell, in my world, you're, uh...
you're well-regarded.
Yeah, well, not in mine.
They don't like me much in mine, either.
You don't say.
I want it to be something, you know.
Shit, I want it to be an Avenger.
Fuck the Avengers.
You know, I didn't make the cut, though.
Same with the X-Men.
My girlfriend left me, and I just...
Did you get a girlfriend? Yeah.
Vanessa.
When we met, she was a dancer.
Made a whole life.
It was good.
But, oh boy, I just...
Fuck that right up.
Where are you?
You were an X-Men.
Fuck that, you were the X-Men.
The Wolverine.
He was a hero in the world.
Yeah, well... he
didn't shit in mine.
You said Logan was a hero.
What happened? He died.
How?
Well, technically you
were chest-fucked by a tree,
but really he just ran out of
batteries trying to save someone.
Oh.
The shit-heels that grew her in a lab
called her X-23, but she was just a kid.
A younger, dainter, somehow
meaner version of you.
He died trying to save her.
It was beautiful.
Look, Miho, I know you're hurt.
My blind, elderly,
African-American roommate, Blind Al,
always says that pain
teaches us who we are.
Sometimes we need to listen
to that pain instead of running.
Holy shit.
That's her name. You call her Blind Al.
Oh, she's blind.
Look at you. She's coming with us.
No, she's not. Oh, yes, she is.
Fuck off. Oh, yes.
Sorry about that.
Come here, girl.
Who are you?
Oh, I'm Deadpool.
And I guess you're Deadpool, too.
But in here, everybody
calls me Nice Deadpool.
Oh, my goodness.
Wait till you see Lady Deadpool.
She is gorgeous.
She just had a baby, too.
I can't even tell.
I don't think you're supposed to say that.
That's okay.
I identify as a feminist, right?
Are those gold-plated, 50-caliber,
desert-eagle pistol arrows? Of course.
To match my ear-huggy.
Can I have her?
Ha! Over my dead body.
You're fun.
And I guess you've already
met Mary Poppins, AKA Dogpool.
Therefore, you put your hand.
She's 90% G-spot,
and she'll let you know it.
You let this little flirt
out of your sight for
one second, and she starts
shopping for a new papa.
If you can't be a responsible pedo,
then maybe you don't
deserve this little unicorn.
Guilty on all charges you
ever chant happen again.
Why are you so nice?
It costs nothing to be kind.
Shutting the fuck up is also free.
Caliente.
This is Logan. He's usually shirtless,
but he's let himself go since the divorce.
Where's your mask?
Come on, guys.
Oh, this guy.
We're looking for a group of survivors.
Oh, they're out there. Yeah.
But Merck to Merck,
you better hope that you don't
run into the Deadpool core.
Yeah, they're crazy.
They will chop you up into a thousand
pieces and hide you all over the void.
If they could only process
their childhood trauma,
they'd go on one heck
of a healing journey.
Look, we're headed for the Borderlands.
You know where it is? Yeah.
That's 12 clicks.
Do West.
I can lend you my ride if you like.
It would be my honor.
Oh, no, no, no, no, no. Absolutely not.
Uh-huh. What the? No. No.
Just get in the car. This isn't a car.
This is a Honda fucking Odyssey.
Throttle response sucks a cock.
Dated infotainment system.
When Honda saw that untreated
chlamydia was making a comeback,
they invented the Honda Odyssey to compete.
Get in the fucking car.
He'll get you there safe and sound.
Well, Betsy always does.
You're going to have to
give me my dog back, though.
I know. Listen.
Yeah, it's child.
If you ever want to give
her up, or if she needs
a new home, or if something
should happen to you,
I'd love to be her papa.
Oh, what would ever
happen to me? Lots of stuff.
No! We're running away!
The corn was too dense, girl.
Fuck!
It's right here.
Okay, I'm just going to ask.
What's with this suit?
First thing I did when I
flamed out, I took my... Drop it.
It's not that ugly.
Stop talking about me.
Did you make it
yourself? Quit now.
The X-Men make you wear it?
Those sons of fucking bitches.
They are not your
friends, I'll tell you that.
Friends, don't let friends leave the house
looking like they fight crime
for the Los Angeles Rams.
Shut the fuck up about this.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
Watch your frown lines, angel baby.
I'm just trying to bond a little bit.
Yeah, well then talk about something else.
Fine.
Stop it.
If they can fix your world,
what's the first thing you're going
to do when you get out of here?
Some rubbing alcohol shots?
Maybe a wiper fluid chaser?
What did you say?
So when you get back, what's the first
thing you're going to do? Before that.
If they can fix your world?
What do you mean, if? I mean.
..
You lie to me.
You don't have a fucking clue
that can help me fix
things, do you? No, I mean.
..
No, fuck!
Fuck!
I didn't lie!
You lied!
No, I made an educated wish!
Because I need you.
This... This is why.
Right here.
Because if we don't do something, they die.
I don't know anything about saving worlds.
And why would I even care?
Because my entire world
is right here in this picture.
It's only nine people.
And I have no idea how to save it alone.
I know how to fuck people up for money,
but you, you, know how to save them.
At least the other wolverine did.
I guess I'm stuck with the worst one.
Did you say you made
an educated fucking wish?
They call me the Merc with the Mouth.
They don't call me Truthful Timmy,
the blowjob queen of Saskatoon.
One more word.
Please give me one.
gubernatorial
You know what? You're a fucking joke.
No one of the Avengers didn't take you.
Or the X-Men. They'll say, fuck anyone.
I mean, you are a ridiculous,
immature, half-wit moron.
And I have never met the
sadder, more attention-starved,
jibbering little prick in my entire life.
And that says a lot,
because I've been alive
for more than two
or very fucking years.
I'll tell you, that ball chick
was right about one thing.
You will never save the world.
You couldn't even save a
relationship with a goddamn stripper.
Motherfucker, I wish I
could say you'd die alone.
But it's one of the best
jokes that you can't die,
except that's on all of us.
Well, you got nothing to say, Mouth.
I'm gonna fight you now.
Oh, boy.
Three, two, one.
I take it all back.
The Honda Odyssey fucks hard.
Too bad you don't needle dick.
We're just getting started, bub.
Four.
Where are we? No clue.
I like it here.
Okay. Look at you.
All. You must be the others.
Terrific.
So, just to refresh,
you are one... Electra.
Electra, yes.
And you, I was not
expecting to see you here.
Thought you were, you know, retired.
Retired.
Retired.
I'm already in the void.
I'm not trying to get cancelled again.
I don't like you.
You never did.
And who's this succulent reminder
of my own inadequacies? Look at you.
You look like the superhero
version of Hawkeye.
My name's Remy LaBeau.
And they're up there blowing.
But you can call me the gambit.
It's been a while since I've
seen Sling Blade hit me again.
They call me the gambit.
Do they?
Are you sure you
didn't just really, really
want them to, but it
never quite worked out?
You know, we never had
a wolverine of it, yeah?
But I can tell you now,
it's just a common courtesy
to ask before you
drink up all of my liquor.
Well, it's a good thing
I don't give a fuck.
Cool, yeah, it's a while.
So embarrassing.
Well, that settled. Look, we
came a long way to find you, three.
There's four of us.
There's four.
Wait, is it Magneto?
Dear sweet god in
heaven, let it be Magneto.
He's with him.
He's dead.
Fuck!
Now Disney gets cheap?
It's like Pinocchio jammed his face
in my ass and started lying like crazy.
Not a single word. What do you do exactly?
Just playing cards.
Make him go boom.
Your powers close that magic. That's good.
We're not totally fucked at all.
So who brought us here?
That would be me.
Don't leave me regret it.
Holy shit.
Logan, that's her. That's X-23.
She's the one I told you about.
How did you all get stuck in the void?
There was a knock at the door.
TVA should be here.
Me too.
Maybe I was born here,
so it's hard to know for sure.
TVA decided our universe was dying.
And I never even got
a chance to fight for it.
People like us don't go quietly.
TVA knows that, so they took us out.
The answer is yes. I'm in.
In what? A team.
Me. Me, you, you and
me, all of us together.
Let's get the fuck out of this place.
Don't listen to me, it's a fucking lie.
It was an educated wish! Look.
We've been inside Cassandra's lair.
The only way out of
the void is through her.
She can get us home.
She told us.
Wait a minute, you've been inside?
And you made it
out alive? Bullshit.
Nobody's ever done that.
We did.
Every time one of us has
gone up against her, they die.
The Punisher, the
Quicksilver, the Daredevil.
Daredevil, I'm so sorry.
Tonight.
Even that sweet baby angel, Johnny Stone,
you can go missing like two days ago.
That's so sad.
Whoever this Johnny fella
is, I'm sure he's thriving.
Look, there's strength in numbers.
Us, plus you guys, we
can put Cassandra over
and he'll force her to
let us out of the void.
I know what it means to feel self-doubt.
I don't feel that at all.
I'm good.
Now I get your gut like
a coke duct tape purse.
I healed up a memory of my soul.
You guys may not have been
able to save your universes,
but you can avenge them.
It's what Johnny would have wanted.
Wait.
You knew Johnny? Oh, yeah.
To get here, talk to me on the team up
and Johnny came down
with a little case of the dead.
No, no, no, we don't know that.
It was just a flesh wound.
He may have survived.
If he survived that,
he is praying for death.
Thank you, Dr. Wolverine.
Really? What you do to
Johnny, huh? Talk to her.
I'm gonna stop here.
Okay, okay, hey, hey, hey.
Okay.
He rans fat ass mouth about Cassandra.
Then she zips out his skin,
leaving his organs to
splash crudely onto the
ground while the soil
greedily drank his blood.
It was horrible.
He was like a brother to me.
He died before he could make a difference,
but maybe you couldn't save your world.
But Jesus Christ, you can save mine.
I don't give a shit about your world,
but if these two made it out of their life,
maybe together we could
get back in and take her down.
Where I come from, we
call that suicide share.
If we can block her psychic powers,
we can get a leg up. I know it.
Now, I know Magneto's dead,
but I venture to guess that his helmet
is lying around her somewhere.
Cassandra melted a helmet.
Fuck!
After she killed her.
Fuck!
You don't believe?
She knows that helmet was the only
way to protect anyone from her powers.
The only other helmet that's strong is
Juggernauts, but he works for Cassandra.
Juggernauts helmet, that's it.
Yeah, we don't be knowing that.
It ain't coming off without that dome.
Gonna come off with it.
I'm so sorry, beautiful.
I want this to be gentle.
Who is your dialect coach?
The minions?
I feel like we're missing
critical exposition here.
I'm sick of this shit. I'm sick of hiding.
Let's face it, our world's forgot about us.
We never learned about us.
The heroes we were.
Life's insane. I wanted to save.
Maybe these two are our chance.
To be remembered the way we deserve.
Yes.
An ending.
Legacy.
Yes! Yes! Let this man cook!
This is what I'm talking about.
Bigs, slow motion, fight, sad music.
Everybody's working together.
Who knows if you live
or die, that sort of thing.
Who's ready?
I was born ready.
Yeah, damn it.
I ain't know my daddy, but I'm
sure I shot out of his dick ready.
Jesus, Rice, that is graphic.
Yeah, you random buttery
nuts all up in my mama,
and I shot out there,
and I said, what's up, doc?
I'm not shutting up, I love you.
X-23, what's it gonna be?
The name's Laura. Let's fucking go.
Let's fucking go.
Sold that chicken and coke.
Yeah, we're doing this.
You're all fucking dead.
My card, read the room.
Hey, I'm not looking for company.
Get out of here.
You remind me of him.
Angry drunk.
Name.
Sounds like a great guy.
He wasn't finished.
Showed up when it mattered the most.
Couldn't help it.
He might not know it, but
you're a good man, Logan.
You might not know, but
apparently I'm the worst, Logan.
I got to have a life because of you.
I got to grow up because of you.
A lot of kids didn't.
A lot of kids didn't grow up because of me.
Trust me, kid, I'm no hero.
That suit says different.
Yeah, I really like it.
Scott used to beg me to wear it.
So did Gene, Storm, and Beast.
All of them.
I wanted me to be part
of the team that I wouldn't.
Told them they'd look fucking ridiculous.
I couldn't happen thinking
I wanted to be there.
And then one day, while I was
all for my own, the humans came.
And went mutant hunting.
I can guess the rest.
No, no.
Let me say it.
And I...
I need to say it.
By the time I stumbled on
shitface from the bar, it was too late.
They were dead, every...
This suit's all I got to
remind me of who they were.
And what I did.
We're headed to Cassandra's at summer.
Have fun. Not my fight.
We won't pull this off without you.
Hey, whoever you think I
am, you got the wrong guy.
You were always the wrong guy.
What?
Elias didn't get them.
Cassandra wanted to play with
them herself first. They got away.
Did they find the others?
No.
Good. We're actually fooled.
The others found them.
Oh, very cute. Well done, Pyro.
Classic bait and switch.
You really got me there.
Relax.
Come after Nova. She'll handle it.
Cassandra is a lunatic wild card.
Why do you think we put
her there in the first place?
I thought she's never
chosen to leave the void.
The time river is hours
away from completion.
I can't take any chances.
No, maybe not. But I can. For a price.
What do you have to say
about Silly Voice? It's an icky.
You want it done
or not? All right.
Your price. Take her out.
Mutants.
Look at that. Yeah.
See them big amends coming close.
They're not a one-handed on this side.
What Gavin's trying to say is getting
Juggernauts' helmet ain't going to be easy.
I'm just making stuff up with this.
Yeah, tilt up the blade.
They have a curve. We'll check.
When he gets that little Silly.
That's one issue. It's 18-4.
Which punishment?
There's been like five of them.
There's only been one blade.
You're going to be able
to beat me right now.
Oh, this is going to be good.
You know how long
I've been waiting for this?
Who am I about to make
a name for myself, yeah?
I don't think you guys walk away from this.
You just make sure people
know what happened here today.
When you get out of here,
you have a drink from me, yeah?
You're still not sitting inside.
We'll make sure you get the package.
And we'll get our ending.
Some motherfucker still
trying to ice skate up here.
You two escaping I could live with.
But coming back, willingly.
Boys are so silly.
I just need to get home.
Well, that's not on the menu, I'm afraid.
It's death or enslavement,
a la carte, of course.
Absolutely.
Finally.
It's nice to give someone
else a chance to talk.
Not my strong suit.
Why aren't you?
I do feel like you get
lost behind all of this.
Deadpools are a dime
a dozen here in the void.
But you...
What's going on
here? Interesting.
Not when I said it was that good.
By the anchor.
You're hiding from them.
From all the ones you let down.
So much pain.
I walked away.
They called after me and I walked away.
That's not all you did,
is it? You found them.
The X-Men.
What did you do?
I started killing.
And I couldn't stop.
I didn't want to stop.
All those bad men.
It's not just the bad ones.
My little one.
I turned the whole world against the X-Men.
Just once.
I'm gonna be the man
that Charles thought I was.
Logan.
In the void you can be, what do you want?
I just want to be free.
I can set you free.
I can silence those voices.
I got you.
Get it off!
You're gonna send us home.
Here, I'm gonna twist
your fucking head off.
Why are you laughing?
I can't send you home unless
you get this thing off my head.
And as soon as you do that, I'm going
to boil your brains on an atomic level
whilst flicking my beam
to the Ennio Boxhead.
There's an Ennio Boxhead?
Either you kill me, or I kill you.
Both wonderful options.
You want me to do it?
No.
I have her neck right here.
It's really no problem.
You'll screw it up.
Oh, come on, Mr. PG-13,
except the last one.
What the fuck?
You have no idea what it's like.
Day after day, shovel the shit.
Fetch the meats!
I have spent my entire existence...
Not everyone gets a speech.
She's gonna die.
Hey, hey, if I take this helmet
off, you promise you won't kill us?
I promise I will kill you first.
Why are you like
this? I wish I knew.
Take it off.
What? Take it off.
Why?
Just take it off.
This is our only chance to fix our shit!
Take it off!
I am wearing this suit.
And that means a lot
of things for most of all.
It means I'm an X-Man.
And I know your brother.
As much as I'm gonna fucking kill him,
every bone in my body must fucking kill you.
He would not let me stand
here and watch him die.
Take your hands off.
This is for him.
This is for Charles.
My brother loved you.
He loved all of us.
Must be nice.
He would have loved you too.
If he knew about you.
If he knew where you
were, he would have torn a
hole in the fucking
universe to bring you home.
Yeah.
This is for him.
Well, then at least let us save his.
He wanted to hear something crazy.
And I'm a true magician
rolled through here a while back.
I killed him, of course.
Wrist skin around for four days.
But I found this little trinket.
And his lovely fingers.
Army sparkle circle.
What's that?
This is your way home.
I do owe you to save my life.
But let's keep things interesting.
I say I need about four seconds
before you and I are screwed.
Gracia.
I'll be seeing you.
In all the old familiar places.
That this life could never break.
All day through.
That small conveyor.
That path across the bay.
The children's carousel.
The wishing well.
In every lovely summer's day.
I'll find you.
In the morning sun.
And when the night is through.
I'll be looking at the moon.
But I'll be seeing you.
I'm glad you gave us a second chance.
And don't worry, Wade and I are a
team, so I'll see you against Africa.
That feels like a kia.
A fucking kia carnival's in it.
Holy shit. That's Deadpool.
You damn straight it is.
Fox killed him.
Disney brought him back. They're
going to make him do this until he's 90.
I'll clock you out.
Wakey wakey.
Now you put all these bullets in my belly.
And I'm going to find out why.
Whoa whoa.
He'll just say it.
You don't have to stick your fingers in me.
He's just asked sometimes.
Really?
Hands and pockets.
I named Paradox.
He said he'd give me out of the void.
All I know is he works for the TV.
Jeez. I don't agree with him.
I don't think this guy cares.
He will.
Baby Paul, how much longer
before the time-repper is active?
We're running the final safety checks.
Oh, okay. Alright, thanks
for all your hard work, Ralph.
Really?
No, you drooling boob. No.
We have company.
Cancel all the safety checks.
We need to be live now.
Oh, I hate you so much.
Don't fuck this off. You're too late.
You're fucking done.
Why was Thor crying?
How dare you?
No one comes back from the void.
Tell that to Cassandra Nolan.
Whoa.
Paradox, we have a problem.
When you are Do-O, then
you looked in Pyro's head.
You tried to kill me.
I literally have no one.
I'm going to kill you.
You better kill this kid.
Oh, welcome to the Skullfuck Club, Paradox.
You know she doesn't wash that ass.
What's this? The time maker.
No, dear boy.
Oh, no, we're on it.
We're going to head down
and dismantle that thing now.
We got you, boo.
You just keep playing those keys.
I don't want to destroy it.
I want to use it.
Now, shoot.
Mommy and Daddy are having a conversation.
You know the funny things?
I was happy in the void.
You sent no trash to me.
Why did I clean it up?
Everyone was happy.
And you had to go piss
on my side of the fence.
So now the fence must come down.
I'm going to use a little time river.
And I'm going to destroy this universe.
And the next.
And the next.
And the next.
Until all that's left is the sand.
And I get to pray God.
Come here.
Now, you're going to show me
how to use this fancy gadget of yours.
And don't worry, I've called some
friends to make sure we're not disturbed.
Sorry to bother, madam, but
there's something you need to see.
We're getting indications of an unsanctioned
time river activating on Earth 1005.
Whose district is that? Paradox.
Thank you so much for your help, darling.
God, good to get out of that head.
What a mess.
Oh.
Let's give it a beat for
the extras to clear it.
Go, go, go, go.
Oh my God.
Oh.
My.
God.
We need to be apart.
Ever, ever again.
Ever, ever again.
What's Cafe Gratitude doing here?
Sorry about that.
Come here, girl.
Papa's here.
Hey, do not insult this animal's autonomy.
She can decide who her papa is.
What's it going to be, girl, huh?
Original recipe?
Or van milder here?
Ah, that's funny.
I can gently tap the fourth wall, too.
The proposal.
The fuck was that?
Bitch, you think that's
what I do? Oh, shut up.
You smell something? Yeah, you.
A lot of you.
I told you there are a lot
of deadpools over there.
I take it they're not friendly.
Goodness, no.
Sorry about this, boys.
Mission over.
Cause of death, 100,
kill thirsty deadpools.
They're dumb, but they can fight.
Not me, though.
I'd love to get in the mix,
but I have low bone density.
And I have to keep my face safe.
Hold, please.
Oh, God.
All right, look.
Guys.
Deadpool Prime here.
Our fight isn't with you.
When I want your opinion, I'll take
Wolverine's dick out of your mouth.
That's Kidpool.
She's the dirtiest.
Can we just be done?
Ooh, we're just getting started.
No, no, no, no, no.
With the whole multiverse thing.
It's not great.
It's just been miss,
after miss, after miss.
Look, the Wizard of Oz
did the multiverse first.
And they did it fast.
The gays knew it.
Well, we didn't listen.
Let's just take the L and move on.
I think it's been steadily
great since Endgame.
What are you talking about?
The multiverse is over.
Sandy gonna destroy
the fuck outta every time.
Y'all can't do shit about it.
Do you not get it?
If we don't go down to the
subway and stop her, we all die.
The boss lady don't want no disturbance.
If you wanna get down to the
subway, you gotta go through what?
Losing time, baby.
Losing time, baby.
Look alive.
I think I'm hit.
No shit. You did that on purpose.
I did no such thing.
Listen to me, gorgeous.
How long does it take
for you to regenerate?
Regenerate?
You really are God's perfect
idiot, aren't you? Okay.
How dare you, you
insensitive son of a bitch.
How was I supposed to
know he doesn't regenerate?
I'm not a medicine woman.
Look, a donut cart.
They're practically hospitals.
They sell portable triage units.
I know.
I'm gonna get you to safety.
He's a deep breath.
Hey, where are we stopping?
Just catching my breath.
Put your legs on vacation?
You're dead late.
Just because I'm paralyzed.
We all have problems. Listen to me.
You're gonna live.
Okay, be nice.
You're gonna live.
Say it.
I'm gonna live.
Stay with me.
You're gonna live.
I'm gonna live.
I'm gonna live.
Stay in the water.
Sweet little puppy.
God damn it.
I don't think he's gonna make it.
God, he loved his face.
I can taste his final thought.
He was so afraid.
But he died a hero.
He died for murder, you dumb fuck.
And all I have to remember is why...
Are these two gold kite and 50
caliber desert eagle pistol arrows?
This is for him.
Are you ready?
I get to kill a hundred ewes.
Fuck you, I'm ready.
You don't wanna say this, bro.
That's a good girl.
I hear you call my name.
And it feels like...
Holy shit!
You saved the good stuff for
special occasions? Killing mostly.
What's the wind resistance
on those blowjob hiccups?
Sorry, just a cat
adventure and I'm jealous.
Alright, let's do this.
Maximum effort.
Come on.
I blew it.
After all that, the only thing you're gonna
remember is that God awful dismount.
What's your laughing at, little fucker?
I guess these ones regenerate.
I have time for this.
And now!
This Deadpool's with me.
Oh no.
Holy shit.
That's fucking Peter!
Wait, you guys know Peter?
You kidding me? Every Deadpool has a Peter.
Peter's a goddamn legend
in every Deadpool world.
Give me some.
Get him, Peter!
Come on, Peter!
Oh, now you're here! Oh well.
You're too late. It's all over.
Not yet, it's not.
Well, no, no, no, we're very close.
Homestretch, folks, promise.
Quick, let's have the stakes.
If she steals the time SB has the
power to shred the fabric of all realities,
until there is nothing left but the void.
How do we shut it down? I don't know.
The mask is really intimidating. It's like
Batman except he can move his neck.
The Ripper is fed from a secured
chamber below ground. It is powered
by twin matter and anti-matter
feeds converging inside the device.
Now Cassandra Nova is
redirecting the Ripper's power
to eliminate all timelines,
starting with this one.
Theoretically, you
could stop her by
short-circuiting the feeds
in the chamber below.
One of you would agree
that certainly between the two
feeds, then the released power
would destroy the machine.
But, well, come on! Man, if
you're not gonna swallow, spit it out!
Well formed, the bridge would
be annihilated. I could live with that.
Yeah, I could live
with that too actually.
You know, we survive
anything. We're like cockroaches.
Not this time. This is
matter and anti-matter.
They do not play
nicely with each other.
When they mix in your
body, you will be atomized.
Trust the laws of physics
if you don't trust me.
Even if you live long enough to make
the circuit, you will die down there.
Hold on, Paul. You heard that
asshole upstairs. Even if we pull this off.
That's why it's gotta be me.
What?
You didn't ask for any
of this. You were right.
I lied right to your face.
Just to get you to help me.
You did. You didn't lie.
You made an educated wish.
You got a whole world to go back to.
Hey.
I waited a long time for this team up.
You know something?
You're the best Wolverine.
Say hi to your friends for me.
Open the door!
I can't hear you over
all the noble sacrifice!
Why are you fucking
doing this? Because I'm.
.. normal Jesus.
Where's Bob?
Aren't you sad?
Sorry, I'm just stalling.
I think I'm nervous about dying.
This should be me.
Say hi to my friends for me, Peanut.
Why? You want to be an annoying prick?
Put this on! You're gonna die again!
You're gonna die again!
You're gonna die again!
I'm not doing it because I need it.
I'm doing it because they do.
Is he a hero in my world?
Wherever you think I
am, you got the wrong guy.
You were always the wrong guy.
Until you weren't.
Wait.
Matter.
And where is he?
Now I need some help.
You've been busy.
Well, somebody has been.
We had some strange
readings from this location.
You wouldn't know anything about an
unsanctioned time river, would you? Uh, no.
No, I wouldn't know anything
about an unsanctioned time river.
Maybe you should ask
Cassandra Nova, because I
was assured that she
was safely held in the void.
But no, she was here,
and she fondled my brain.
How did you let this happen?
You weren't involved at all.
In stopping her? Yes! Yes, I was!
But not nearly enough.
Not as much as the men
who went down there after her.
My men. My friends.
I warned them that they would be
completely obliterated if they went.
But they went anyway.
Like... Like heroes.
Because that's who they were.
They just did what they had to do.
With no concern but their own safety.
The fact that we are all still standing
here is a testament to their heroism.
He has risen, baby
girl! Fuck! And I've.
..
Found your new anchor gang.
And we're doing just
fine, you piece of shit.
Fine indeed.
Alright, put your greasy
tits away, you preening slut.
I don't understand.
How are you two still
alive? You were right.
One of us would
have been killed.
But you put a Deadpool
and a Wolverine together?
Make them hold hands
while listening to Madonna?
Indestructible motherfucker.
Let's get this Deadpool
variant back to the void.
Wait, hold on, what?
No, actually, this one's home grown.
Like me. He belongs here.
And you are? Peter Poole.
But you can call me Peter.
And I hope that you do.
What the fuck is happening here?
You are under judgment.
Operating an unsectioned time river.
Take it.
I was just doing what you
don't have the guts to do.
Get off! Get off!
Get off!
I'm grateful, gentlemen.
Let's hold the bowels.
You led an Omega level
mutant to this timeline.
You're welcome.
And you shouldn't even
be near this timeline.
It's welcome.
And you look damn good in that suit.
I'm so sorry.
I want to show you something.
Something huge.
That's what Scoutmaster Kevin used to say.
Do you see that?
Your universe is regenerating.
Whatever you did here, you
not only saved your world,
you spared your timeline from extinction.
I'd rest out.
I have a feeling your work
is only just getting started.
Till you're 90.
We couldn't have made it out
of the void without some help
from some people that
the world kind of forgot.
Is there any way that you could
maybe find a way to bring them home?
I'll see what I can do.
And I promised my friend
here that the TVA could
undo some pretty
awful shit in his timeline.
What would you say to that?
Change the past.
He did help me save the world.
And his past made of the man who did it.
There's nothing to fix, Mr. Olson.
Love him.
Tworml? I get to eat now.
You know the Avengers discovered Tworml.
I'd be lucky to have you.
Oh.
Fuck off!
Come on, man, my little conchkin!
Yes, it's you! You're a survivor!
Oh, all is right in the world.
Yes, it is.
So what are you going to do next?
I'll figure it out. I always do.
Well, probably see you next time.
See you around.
See you both.
Logan!
Jack! You holdin'?
I'm all out of devil's
danger, but I'm shakin'
like an angry vibration.
Thank you, Hal. We have company.
Althea. This is...
This is Logan.
Nice to meet you, Logan.
Nice to meet you, too.
And this little ancient anal
shit, not as Mary Poppins.
Or as I like to call her, dog pool.
Don't treat yourself to a little stroke.
Get in the tub.
Oh my god, motherfucker!
It's like an armadillo fucked a gremlin.
Angrily.
In a bed of gonorrhea.
And didn't stop till the sun came up.
Everyone wants to know.
Turns out that you don't need
to be Marvel, Jesus, to do it.
You just need to open
your eyes and move around.
And good luck.
Old friends.
And some new ones, too.
You've been busy.
I did it for you.
Turns out, I am the world's saving type.
Just look around this
table if you want proof.
The best part?
Sometimes the people we save...
they save us right back.