Deadtectives (2018) Movie Script

Guys, we're hot!
Getting a 3.2 on the EMF.
There's an 80% chance of a violent,
free-floating, spectral apparition.
I know you're there.
I demand you come forward.
Getting a four.
No, wait, a five.
Oh, bro, this is way not good.
There's no hiding from us.
Make yourself known!
Go away!
The entity's passing through me!
Me, too. It's totally inside me.
So did the fellas find anything?
Um... still investigating.
Press forward!
By the oven.
It's coming towards us.
It's about to charge.
Leave or die!
Boys, brace yourselves.
It's attacking us.
Right now!
Lloyd, do you remember
our little chat?
- Yeah.
- When you agreed to stick to my script.
Totally, but the thing is...
Well, the script says
haunted oven.
There's nothing about a book!
But 16 confirmed cases
of ghost on book action, bro.
I mean, zero ovens.
No one cares, pendejo.
Now rig the goddamn oven. Shit!
See! Authenticity, bros.
- Right.
- This is it!
- Oh, no, no.
- I'm sick and tired of this!
Solved every one so far.
Bless 'em.
I'm just glad y'all here
to save me this time.
- But ghosts hate ovens.
- Yeah, but all that matters
- is we scare the shit of the old lady.
- Exactly.
Don't you dare take
Lloyd's side.
Truth will set you free, bro.
- She's petrified back there.
- Sweet!
But we're gonna fix that by
actually helping her.
No more lies. Just some
good old-fashioned truth.
Yes, exactly what
I've been saying!
- It's time we started hunting real ghosts.
- Lloyd.
- That's not at all what I...
- Super idea, Kate. Then we'll get canceled,
and Lloyd will be
an unemployed pendejo.
- Hey!
- Right. Javi, settle.
- I can handle this.
- Wha...
I don't need handling.
It's exactly
what I was telling you.
Listen, Sam...
We shouldn't do this at work.
Reception caterer booked.
- Gianni's? How?
- Yep.
- Anything for you.
- Oh, perfect.
Let's help Ethel.
What? As our ratings
sink even lower?
That's really
all you care about?
So, still need to make some
- All right.
- Similar to the ones I added to the EMF,
incidentally, but since we're
tracking real spirits now,
I'm thinking that...
Give your brother a chance.
He's trying to impress you.
- Mm-hmm.
- Aww. Not working!
Let's shoot my script.
Let's do this one right
like we used to.
- Kate!
- We used to just debunk all this nonsense.
And we almost got canceled
because of it.
Ethel is scared.
She believes in you, Sam.
I need to believe,
too, or... Or what?
Can we speed this up?
I really need to pee.
Thanks for braving this with
us, Ethel.
Now you've recently experienced
what you refer to
as evil sensations
in this establishment.
Something's eyeballing me.
Something horrible.
Go on, Sam. Just tell her.
Well, after our very thorough...
investigation, we have concluded
that there are no...
That there are no...
- No...
- There are no what? Tell me, please!
Say something.
We try to lead honest lives,
don't we?
- Mm-hmm.
- Do right by the ones we love.
Sometimes, for reasons that
we know are truly necessary
and right, - Oh, no.
there is an angry and vengeful
spirit in this room!
Somebody who taught you to bake
a long time ago.
Your... Your... Your...
Your gran... grandmother?
Oh, good Granny Mable.
Mable, yes. She is furious
about these cupcakes!
Grandma. Cupcakes. Got it.
- Put it back on.
- Kate said no.
What are you doing? Stop it!
Get out of here, jerk-off!
Who is that?
It came from that picture!
Holy shit!
It's a 6.3!
Stop it! She's freaking out!
- Stop it, Granny! I am here to help.
- No!
- Really?
- Just tell us, tell us what you want.
Come on, Granny!
I demand you tell me right now!
Granny thinks
you're being a pushy...
Little bitch.
She's stealing
her grandmother's recipe.
- Oh, Granny's telling me something.
- No, Sam!
- Tell her the truth!
- The perra'sa thief!
I can't hear
with all your voices!
Voices? How many are there?
Just Grandma.
She's saying...
your recipe or Granny Mable's?
How could you know that?
Just stop the thieving.
Tell her, Granny!
Just do it!
This is lame.
I quit!
Quit? Quit what?
IPuta madre!
Letting you steal cupcakes!
I'll stop, Granny.
- Yeah.
- I'll stop stealing the recipe.
I am proud of you, Ethel.
Her spirit is now free.
- Ooh!
- Another case solved!
Thank you!
- Thank you! Thank you!
- We're gonna need a new intern.
- Thank you!
- No, Ethel, thank you.
Best show yet.
Worst shit pile I've ever seen!
Grandmas. Cupcakes.
Have you lost
your freaking minds?
Diet Dew has dropped us.
Now Red Bull is threatening.
- Doritos, line four.
- Shit!
Not after the season finale
that I've whipped up.
Resort in South Beach,
owner thinks his dead cat
- the hot tub.
- Yeah, okay.
Um, well, Sam,
the network is canceling you.
Yeah, they feel like
you've lost your edge,
and they want out.
We have got one episode
to save my skin.
So, send in what's-her-tits,
Quiet! I can't hear this prick.
Step aside, cabron.
Flight to Mexico City
leaves at 7 AM sharp.
Do not be late.
SeoraSanchez-Bello will meet us
- in Tabasco at 11:30... Yeah?
- Excuse me, lady.
I think you've got
the wrong room.
Excuse you. Abril here
has cooked up the finale
that's gonna save my balls.
Little house down in Mxico
where some real sicko shit
went down.
Uh, Mexico?
Sorry, who the hell's... Abril?
Are we gonna have a problem,
Abril's your new producer
for the finale.
Yeah, Kate here's jumping ship
to another ship.
No, literally.
She's leaving you for "Whale Wars."
So, Abril's got the reins now.
You're leaving?
For "Whale Wars"?
- To help people.
- Whales.
- Anything!
- We just helped the old lady!
She's closing her shop
because of us.
And living a guilt-free life!
Which is exactly
why I need to leave.
Look, not all married couples
work together.
- Maybe this will be better for us.
- Yep.
Six months in a boat
surrounded by seamen.
Yeah, you guys are gonna
be fine.
And you're insane if you think
I'm going back to Mexico!
You realize what I had to do
to get out of there?
- Aw, then you're fired.
- What?
Latin viewership
is lighting up the ratings,
and our only Mexican
pretends he's not Mexican?
So he's out. But what's in?
Only the most haunted casa
in all of haunted Mxico.
You idiots had five seasons
to do it your way,
and not one freaking ghost!
'Cause they don't exist,
- Oh, yes, they do.
- Not now, Lloyd!
- Listen...
- Pack your bags, amigos.
I want my ratings and some
blood-dripping horror right now!
Hey! I fired
your voodoo tweaker ass.
Get your freak show
out of here before...
Oh, my God!
No, no, no, no, no, no.
Now that's horror, baby!
Everyone meet Bob,
the rising star in Hollywood effects.
Before some bullshit legal issue
on, what was it,
"Paranormal Activity"?
- "Hillbilly Hatchet Massacre."
- Whatever.
Oh, that's the one they banned
from theaters
'cause actors died on set.
Like, "died" died?
We all got the death coming.
Yeah, I don't wanna go
to Mexico with him.
- Then you're fired, too.
- What?
Sam's the only one we need.
The rest of you are dead weight.
Right, enough!
Now, you listen.
Me, Lloyd, and Javi
are this show.
We were hot once.
We will bring it again.
You want horror?
You'll have to bribe the censors
to get our gorefest on the air.
And now you wanna bring in
a freak consultant?
Hey, I'm your producer, pendejo.
No, you're not, "pendeco."
Kate is.
It's simple.
Without my team,
my entire team, I walk,
and you're left with nothing
but a crap severance package
and a deadbeat excuse
on why state school
is a better play than
the Ivy League for your kids.
The call... is yours.
This is gonna be great.
Pinche Mxico.
There she is, guys.
The most godforsaken casa
in all of Mexico.
- Javi.
- What?
- Why me?
- Um... It's haunted, all right!
Mayan sacrifices, battlefield,
the boogeyman.
It's haunted, okay?
Yo pienso que la maldad vino
por algo ms.
- Javi.
- No, you racist pigs!
Cllate, cabrn.
She thinks the evil came
from something else.
Diganos, seora.
No quiero hablar mal
de los muertos, pero...
Not speak ill of the dead...
mi Ta Rosa y el To Gonzalo...
- Were they the previous owners?
- Si.
They like to... Como se dice?
- Sorry, drink?
- IS!
Too mucho Mezcal una noche
and Uncle Gonzalo stab
Rosa's throat,
and then he cut himself open
and pull his tripasout.
I'm sorry, what was that?
He use a six-inch blade
or a seven?
I'd have used an eight.
She going to leave him.
He go a little loco.
Sacrificial ground, battlefield,
and a murder.
Guys, we're talking the unholy
trinity for ghost activity!
Maybe, uh, Mr. Sanchez-Bello...
Holy shit!
Yeah, that is one crazy
jumpin' bean.
M amor, he's not
been the same since.
He's the one
that find the bodies.
Seora, please tell me
your husband has seen
professional help.
Is you, no? Here to help?
Oh, no. Not even kind of.
We're just here
to take advantage
of your silly superstitions
and, uh, leave you far worse
than we found you.
Qu dice?
Es que mEnglish no perfect.
Nada, nada. Let's go inside.
No, no, no,
no entramos esa casa.
We no going inside anymore.
Uh, Seora,
the way our show works...
Por favor, m To Gonzalo
was a good man.
You ever lost famila?
Then you know the hurt.
La Polica dice
it is all To Gonzalo.
Murder-suicide like always.
But something in the casa
make To Gonzalo do it.
Possesses him to it!
My husband... he sees it.
Por favor squenlo de la casa.
IDevulvanme a m marido!
Promise me!
Oh, yeah, yeah. No, absolutely.
We... We promise
that we will, um...
- We'll get the evil out.
- Yeah.
Todo bien.
Casa, uh, bonita. Oh!
- INo le veas la cara a la muerte!
- Tranquilo.
Wait, what'd he say?
Javi, Abril,
what did he just say?
You're such a puta.
Super charming couple.
I think your shit-Spanish
pissed him off.
Yeah, and top hunters debunked
that possession crap,
like, a decade ago.
So, what's she been drinking?
Guys, what did he just say?
He said don't look
into the face of... death.
So, love,
how you wanna fake this one?
Hmm. Perfect.
This is the one
I was telling you about.
Oh, man,
this filter's so badass.
It translates electro-mag energy
into stuff you can actually see.
So pay close attention,
'cause this is the camera
we'll catch ghosts with.
- Hmm.
- Yeah, same setup as my specs.
Got the plans
off Horace Reynolds,
fellow hunter up in Tacoma.
But, uh, made my own
modifications, of course.
Oh. Are those safe?
Progress never is.
Oh, yes.
We are going to tell the...
that this place
is 100% ghost-free,
just like you wanted...
after we expel every demon
from this evil hell casa!
Our first ever full-blown
structural exorcism.
Ratings bonanza, and a strong
dose of the truth.
Oh, fantastic. How many times
is the word "help" in it?
Yeah, make jokes,
but by night's end
both the network and you are
gonna love this show again.
I bet my life on it.
- But the unholy trin...
- No.
Right, we are all set.
Bob, can you ease us in with an
Amityville, two Poltergeists,
and then we'll jump to
the showstoppers, cool?
Lloyd, go check on Bob.
No way.
And the answer's 20.
There's 20 "helps"
and 14 "reals."
Trust me. Okay?
Your man always run you
like that?
Sure looks that way.
Change of plans.
Um, Bob?
We're on channel six.
Listen, I've got a bookshelf rig
you maybe wanna...
Get your own!
No! I don't want any of those.
You smell that?
It's a-comin' for us.
Just checking you're ready.
Cool, but I can do...
The question be...
is you ready?
Bob's... Bob's good.
A demon hell house
is how the world describes
tonight's location,
where a grisly murder-suicide
has raised many
unanswered questions.
But on tonight's season finale,
we're going to help.
And I mean, really,
really help solve them all.
Rein it in, Sam.
Now, the team have split up
to hunt what lurks
within these walls.
My search begins here,
the scene of the murder.
Now, my vast worldly
knowledge of cultures
and other languages tells me
that this says,
"Don't look at the face
of death."
But what happens if we do?
If we're lucky,
we're about to find out.
Evil spirits, heed my warning.
You will be exorcised tonight!
Is that all you've got?
You'll have to kill us
to stop us!
Why do I always get basements?
Crazy dark in here.
I'd be rockin' my badass ghost
specs with built in nightvis,
- if my bro wasn't such a...
- Hey.
Your mic's on, genius.
Now, according
to Horace Reynolds,
possibly the top ghost hunter,
basements and cellars can provide
the perfect dwelling place for...
Ghost! Guys! Guys!
Actually, my bad.
No ghost. Repeat, no ghost.
Really? No shit.
Stick to my script.
Air temperature 74 degrees.
Barometric pressure, 37.5.
These readings truly indicate
there's a 90% chance of a, uh...
"Spectral terrorism?"
Hey, man,
when's the good stuff coming?
That roar Bob added wasn't bad.
I'm talking
about blood and guts, man.
- I wanna get waist-deep in gore.
- Just do the scene.
With your normal accent.
Play up the Mexican thing.
Oh, my God.
It is true.
They really did drink Mezcal.
Was this the culprit
of To Gonzalo's insanity?
Only one way to find out.
It's time to make contact
with the evil lurking
in this house.
I can feel unsettled souls all...
Enjoy the ride, yeah?
I can feel unsettled
souls all around.
Is there someone named Rosa
here tonight?
To Gonzalo?
Is your murderous spirit
among us?
Bob, we need
an old lady's voice.
Kate, can you tell Bob
that we're on page...
Keep going, goddamn it!
Stop wrecking the scene.
Abril? What are you...
Put... Put Kate on.
- New bitch in charge, gringo.
- What?
First thing, no mas
with your sucktard script.
- We're gonna spice things up.
- Right, stop messing around.
I'll deal with you later, puta.
Now, man up!
Bob's gonna bring it.
Wow. For the record,
I'm seriously turned on.
Damn it!
Stop breaking characters!
You know what?
We're going radio silent
from now on.
No more sabotaging my show.
Your show?
Kate? Javier?
This is mutiny.
Guys? Listen.
If we're not on the same page...
We're not.
Help the Sanchez-Bellos.
Please, get back in the booth.
No, don't expect me
to be a part of this anymore.
At least take that off
if you're gonna yell.
Are you familiar
with the word "sabotage"?
This family lost people
that they cared about.
We're not exploiting that.
You of all people
should sympathize.
Look, you don't talk
about your parents,
and I can accept that.
But at least honor
their memory by...
Um, hello?
God, we're not shooting
right now!
But, listen,
this is my family now.
Javi, Lloyd, and you.
I'm just doing what I've got
to do to hold us together.
Well, you're squeezing
too tight.
That's pretty lame
for an FX badass.
That wasn't you giggling
Bob's on my last nerve.
Goddamn it! Enough!
What is it?
So, Bob's really into kid stuff.
That's not disturbing at all.
Having thoroughly investigated
the mirror's surface,
I've come to the conclusion
that this totally
ticked someone off.
Really, really creepy.
The walls have gone full
stigmata on us.
Something in this house is
definitely trying to make contact.
The guys have got to see this!
Bob, sir?
That whispering's really cool,
but can you turn it up a bit?
Using my recorder to try
and pick up an EVP...
Electronic voice phenomena.
Ghosts communicate on a higher
frequency than we can hear,
but if spirits are sharing,
this'll get it.
This is awesome!
We totally come in peace
and would really like
to hang out with you.
You think maybe you could
switch to English now?
Todos van a morir.
Van a morir.
Morir. Morir.
I know that one.
It's, um... death.
Is someone gonna die?
Who's gonna die?
What the...
Oh, sh...
Oh, my...
Todos van a morir.
I mean... Todos van a morir.
Empirical data's inconclusive.
But initial findings
reveal that...
this needs some ice cubes
and a shit ton of OJ.
How much Mezcal did To Gonzalo
need to tap that?
Soy la muerte.
- Guys?
- Wow!
Where are you, guys?
I don't wanna be alone anymore.
Bob has got the ghosts saying
really mean stuff in Spanish.
Guys! Help!
- What the hell happened to you?
- A ghost!
- On its period?
- Lloyd!
- Oh, you, too?
- Ow!
- Nice one, Bob!
- It's my blood.
Have you been drinking?
Yes, since we left California.
Lloyd saw a ghost menstruate.
Over there!
Grow up.
Your toys don't work.
No, no, no, Sam.
She was... She was right here.
But... But, no, she was here.
See! I saw what I saw!
Nicely done, Bob!
Just wait till
we're rolling next time.
Guys, we got to consider.
Lloyd saw a ghost.
- Thank you.
- Yeah, but he didn't,
'cause they don't exist,
and he's an idiot.
- Cute.
- Bob's probably just got
one of those projection thingys.
'Cause upstairs, Bob projected
some weird shit in a mirror.
This big huge bastard,
black hat,
looked straight at me and
went, I am death.
Crazy impressive.
Wait, in a mirror?
Well, what's left of it.
It was beat to shit.
Something's going on here.
The mirrors, the unholy trinity.
The scamming of innocent people.
Guys! Cancellation?
Last chance?
Any of this ringing a bell?
- Sam...
- I'm not letting that happen. Okay? Right.
- Horace Reynolds...
- We are going to refocus,
fire Abril, and get back
to my script.
But first,
we got to wrangle Bob...
before he kills us.
Awesome! That was great!
- Is he...
- No, it's a trap.
- He's a genius.
- Go check on him.
Bob? Just wanna synch up
some plays with you.
The script says nothing about...
Okay, he's dead.
Oh, my God!
No. It can't be.
Don't look at any mirrors!
- Whoa!
- Jeez!
Lloyd, what the hell
are you doing?
All the other mirrors
in the house are smashed!
Don't you get it?
Horace Reynolds
wrote about this.
The mirrors are like portals,
gateways that lead to
and from the spirit world.
- If you see a ghost in one...
- Lloyd, please!
- Guys, a man is dead!
- It's like an invitation
- for it to cross over to our side...
- Oh, come on.
"Don't look at the face
of death."
- That's what Mrs.
- Sanchez-Whatever meant.
You saw it in the mirror.
You looked at its face!
Don't you know what that means?
Oh... no.
Am I gonna suffer a horribly
excruciating death
where I pull my own guts out
because I looked at myself
in the mirror?
Okay. Abril, get down here now.
I know you can hear me!
It's probably got her, too.
There's something in this house.
My EMF was buzzing
in the basement on its own!
Guys, we can't argue the facts.
The EMF was buzzing.
Something in the mirrors
killed Bob and...
- Aah!
- Lloyd, stop it!
Something's killed Bob,
all right.
It's called smack,
crack, or a heart attack.
I'm even surprised this schizo
lasted this long.
- What are you doing?
- Calling the police. This is over.
- Fuera!
- Oh, my God!
Mexican cell service
at its finest.
But who cares?
We finally got a dead body!
The ghosts strike first.
Now the question is, who's next?
It is official,
you're actually insane!
I'm insane for ratings!
That's what we came here for!
Okay, no, we're gonna drive
to the nearest station.
No, wait. Wait, please.
If we leave,
he died for nothing.
He did die for nothing!
Lloyd! Please.
What if we finish... for Bob?
- Exactly.
- It's what he would've wanted.
If we quit now, it's over, all right?
We are canceled.
What's it like in there, man?
Bright lights? 40 virgins?
- Hey, don't hold back.
- You're really siding with him?
We can still save
our family, Kate.
- Please!
- You mean the show, right?
Do you hear yourself? Do you...
- Do you realize it's just a show?
- Don't walk out on me.
Come with me, okay?
Please, just for once,
make the right choice.
We're finishing this.
If you can't let go...
I have to.
What was that?
Obviously, a Bob encore.
It's footsteps.
Whatever you do,
don't follow them.
Why does no one
ever listen to me?
You see? It was just another
one of Bob's...
Lloyd, will you pack it in?
I'm not doing anything.
It's working.
Like, for real working.
- Bullshit.
- Bull-true.
There's something up there!
Will whatever murdered Bob
please do it again?
- We demand proof!
- No, do not do it again!
My calculations
indicate a 172% chance
that Lloyd's completely
full of shit.
- Please, stop it!
- Now let's take a closer look at his ghost.
- Javi, get down here.
- Yeah, come on, that's enough, Javi.
You see, guys,
there is nothing...
- Lloyd!
- Oh, my God.
There is a ghost,
and it's possessing my ass!
Yes! And it's huge!
Sam, there is
something up there.
You're disgusting!
Do you know that?
You're disgusting!
Now, Lloyd, say those
sweet words with me.
There is no such thing as...
Pinche... Mxico.
Oh, my God, Sam!
Look at his back!
- Oh, my God!
- What the hell?
- It's not possible!
- Shit!
Guys! Guys!
Why are we still in the house?
Oh, my God!
All right, that is enough!
What are you doing?
None of this is real.
No, Sam, don't!
Looked pretty real to me!
No. No, it can't be.
It can't be. It's not possible.
It's not...
Oh, my God! Oh, my God!
- I think we're trapped!
- No shit!
Whatever killed Javier
could be in this room.
Yeah, listen, I know.
But stay calm.
We're trained experts.
We're the exact opposite
of experts!
None of us knows
anything about...
- Tell us everything.
- Oh, now you wanna listen to me?
I tried to warn you,
never mess with
the unholy trinity,
- and now Javi's gone!
- Focus!
About the mirrors! What else
did the Harvey-Henry guy say?
It's Horace!
I told you!
They're gateways
to the ethereal plane
- where ghosts manifest...
- English, please!
Reflections are bad.
So if we avoid them, what?
It's only a theory.
Okay. I think we're...
Guys, where are you?
Join us.
No! Do you hear me? Never!
Do you hear me? Never!
Son of a bitch.
Oh, shit.
You're dead.
That was my best goddamn shirt.
Am I dead, too?
Hey, what's happening in there?
My daughter.
Come on, Dad.
- Bob?
- Let's play, Daddy.
Told you jumping backwards
wouldn't work.
Guys! Freaking kids!
Behind me!
- Something just touched me.
- What?
Oh, God! His thingy's buzzing!
It's a prop.
It can't actually work.
I made modifications!
Oh, my God!
- Okay, back up!
- What do we do?
There's a landline
in the control room.
- Come on, let's go, let's go, let's go!
- Okay, go!
IPuta madre!
- Keep going, keep going!
- Abril!
Abril, please!
- Abril!
- Abril, we are going to die!
- Abril!
- Oh, I'm going to...
- Open it!
- Abril! Abril!
- Win an Emmy.
- We can hear you!
Keep going. You're doing great.
Bob and Javier are dead!
I know. Don't worry.
We got it all.
There's a phone in there!
Call the police! Now!
- Phone's dead.
- Don't say that word!
You little bitch,
open this door!
I'll die before
I leave this room!
Sam, look!
- Oh, come on!
- Sam, this is going off the scale!
Lloyd, what are you doing?
Help us!
Lloyd, quick!
Guys, look! It must be an attic!
Are you mad? Never go in attics!
- Never, never, never!
- Well, fine. Stay here.
Come on, let's go!
Wait for me!
This is total bollocks!
Guys, come on!
Damn it!
I hate it when Lloyd's right!
- Shh!
- Now he's never gonna shut up...
- Shh!
- Perdn.
If they can do it...
IPuta madre!
All right.
Think it'll hold it back?
I don't know. You're the expert.
Mirror! Eyes closed!
Eyes closed!
No, wait, wait,
wait, wait, wait.
Are you mad?
Kate, look.
Just like the key.
What are you doing?
Nothing good
is gonna be in there!
Never go in attics,
always smash mirrors,
definitely don't open creepy
little toy chests!
- We're doing everything backwards!
- Get it together.
All right, we're not
walking out the front door.
So we either figure out
what's going on or we die.
Those are horrible options.
- Oh, my God!
- Told you not to open it.
What's this?
Kate, don't open it.
Oh, my God. That's us.
It's this house.
Oh, my God.
The rest have them, too.
Look, we've seen enough.
Just close the book!
These people, were they all...
Guys, are you seeing
what I'm seeing?
Just like Javier saw.
Soy... la muerte.
His face! I looked at his face!
Shut up and go!
- Don't turn around!
- Go! Go!
- Oh, my God!
- It's zombie Javier!
Hey! Not my face!
- You're killing him!
- He's already dead!
Is he?
- Right! Sever its head!
- That's vampires!
- Aah! It's moving again!
- Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa!
Oh, my God.
Oh, my God.
What's he doing?
"It's... me..."
Who the hell's dicks?
Something else
is moving the body.
- Lloyd, your ghost glasses.
- What the... you as well?
His EMF thingy obviously works.
Maybe the glasses will, too.
They won't. I'm sure of it.
You've trained your whole life
for this moment.
You can be brave.
I can't!
It's been proven many times.
Put the goddamn glasses on!
God, God, God.
Holy badass!
It's Javi! Two of him!
Oh, my God! He's really there!
Javier, buddy!
- I think he's mute.
- No, wait.
I should be able to hear him
if I press play and record
at the same time.
- It can't be that simple!
- I've made modifications!
Freaking dead kids!
You broke my jaw, you asshole!
Bob got swallowed by light!
You assholes didn't
even check my pulse!
- Why does he sound like that?
- I told you, don't go to Mexico!
- Turn the creepy setting off.
- Oh.
The murder.
And what do you guys do?
Run off like little bitches!
Javi, buddy. It's Sam.
You're gonna have to
slow down, okay?
- We're dealing with a lot.
- Oh! You got issues?
I'm dead!
You're really a ghost.
You know what this means?
- Don't you dare...
- Somebody was right!
Seriously? Just murdered!
And now a ghost! Boo-yah!
Wait, wait, wait.
So, Bob, is he...
I told you,
he got swallowed by a light!
Wait, you... You didn't go
into your light.
Of course I didn't go
into the light.
Wait. What...
What happens in the light?
Bro, you really should've
gone into your light.
- Horace says spirits...
- Right, enough with Horace.
Javi, tell us you
got a way out of here.
But it's creepy.
Big time.
- Overheated.
- Great.
Don't worry, I've got another pair...
in the van.
Well, then how do
we keep track of Javi?
Any other ideas?
This is bullshit!
Guys, this is pointless.
Freaky little weirdoes?
Where are you?
Oh, shit.
- What are we looking at?
- Two dead kids
with slit throats.
- Javi.
- Yeah?
Are they cool?
What, you wanna sell them drugs?
They're creepy-looking
dead kids!
How the hell should I know?
- What?
- Translator of the dead?
- No way!
- Javi, please!
No, these freaks aren't talking.
Right, enough messing around.
Ask them to get us out
of this house.
You wanna translate for the dead
Spanish-speaking kids?
- Be my guest!
- You're the one who speaks Spanish!
Come on.
Now we're creeping them out.
Okay, guys, please.
It's okay. Don't be afraid.
We're not here to hurt you.
We just, um...
We just need your help.
You do want to help us,
don't you?
What if we played a game?
Now these freaks are
creeping me out.
Uh, I think they don't want
to get in trouble.
No, they're not playing. No.
But this is a very,
very special game
where you don't have
to say a single word
and nobody ever gets in trouble.
You do wanna play that,
don't you?
Oh, yeah,
they're totally nodding.
Yeah, they're playing.
Yeah, they're in, yeah.
Okay, I'm gonna ask a question,
and if the answer's yes,
just throw the ball back.
And if it's no, just...
You have to be extra,
extra quiet.
Sound good?
Yeah, they're rolling it now.
Okay. The drawings,
the ones in the chest.
Yeah, they got excited
about that.
You wanted us to find them
because of the man
in the mirrors, right?
To warn us about him.
- Yes.
- Wow!
Because he killed
all those people,
like he killed our friend.
Will he ever let us
leave this house?
Roll the ball.
Why aren't they rolling
the ball?
Ask them if there's a way
to stop him.
Come on.
Right. How? Tell us.
No, no, not this way!
Not this way! Not this way!
What the hell is happening?
What are we running from?
A really scary lady!
Why is she whooing?
It's not her. Javier is whooing.
- Why are you whooing?
- I'm whooing so she knows I'm one of them!
But she's not whooing!
This shit doesn't come
with a handbook, all right?
The kids are totally trying
to save our asses,
but she ain't biting.
Give me those glasses.
Careful, they're fading fast.
All we want is to leave.
Just to walk out
that front door...
ILos intrusos andan morir!
Dude, she says that all
intruders must die.
Why? What have we done?
IVinieron a sacarnos
de nuestra casa!
IDijeron que solo la muerte
los detendra!
She says you threatened to
kick them out of their home,
and that the only way
to stop us was to kill us?
- You got the wrong people!
- Why is she saying that?
I never...
Ah, shit, yeah,
I totally said that.
We don't wanna hurt you
or make you leave, okay?
We are a family just like yours.
You can help us.
You can save us!
Well, not exactly.
No puedo.
Me los va a desaparecer.
Dude, she says she can't
or that they'll disappear?
I haven't moved!
Oh, you don't want
to know that one.
- What is it?
- It's him.
Go! Just run!
Shit, the goggles!
We're flying blind!
Javier, can you see him?
The bastard vanished!
- Barricade the door!
- Got it.
I'll get the specs
working again.
Javier, can be
our other set of eyes.
No, not now, Lloyd!
Javi, where is he?
We find the mom and kids,
convince them to help us.
- Trust me, bro.
- Right, enough!
Unbarricade the door!
Go, go, go!
Go, go!
Lloyd, no!
Go, go, go!
Go! Go!
- Sam, help me! Sam!
- No!
- No!
- He's got me!
Javier, what's happening?
The recorder's with Lloyd!
We can't...
Lloyd, talk to me.
Oh, God, is he...
No! No!
Run! Run!
It's Javier. It's got to be.
- Murder him back, Javier!
- Yeah!
I'd like to thank the Academy,
and all the little people...
No! No, no! Go!
Come on, come on! Go, go!
- Go!
- Go! Go!
It's okay.
He can't hurt you anymore.
Um... Am... Am I?
Yep. Sorry.
Join us.
But I never got...
my producing credit.
Or had sex with me.
Yes, death's a bitch.
But right now, we got to
take care of this asshole.
- That asshole has an axe.
- It's a sickle, actually,
but the thing is,
it's useless against us now.
And we outnumber him.
So he's the reason
why I'll never get an Emmy.
Um, one of many.
All right, let's do it.
Wait, wait.
But if he can't hurt us,
then how do we hurt...
It hurts.
Oh, shit.
We are gonna die, aren't we?
I should've told you
about "Whale Wars" first.
- Shh.
- That was wrong of me.
You don't have to do this, okay?
In case we, you know,
worst case...
I don't want anything
between us.
My parents never died.
They abandoned me and Lloyd
at a shelter
and never came back.
I was young and ashamed,
so I lied, even to Lloyd.
I told him they were mauled
by a bear.
The show, it's the only family
I've ever had,
so if we ever got canceled,
then I feared
I'd lose you guys, too,
and that is why I've been
so clingy about it.
You're telling me this now!
I thought we were sharing.
- Yours is so way worse than mine.
- Shh!
What was that?
It's okay.
- Run!
- Go!
- No! Sam! Sam!
- Kate!
No! No!
Kate! It's me.
Lloyd! Thank God, you're alive!
Barely! I had to climb
the inside the...
Not now! It's got Sam. Come on.
What are you doing?
I've stared death
in the face, Kate.
I've figured a few things out.
Lloyd! You're alive!
- I had to hide in the cupboard...
- Later!
Help me!
Oh, sugar.
I can't hold him back.
- Kate!
- What do I do?
The EMF! In the kitchen,
I counteracted
its spectral flow...
- Lloyd!
- Just friggin' do something!
Do it!
Just do it!
I'm a badass.
- Oh, shit!
- Let's go!
You ain't leaving without me,
- Come on!
- Go! Go! Go!
Aah! Sam!
Sam. Sam.
- Sam!
- No! No!
It's what he wants!
You're dead if you go
back in there, Sam!
What are you doing?
You're not going back
in there alone!
I'm not leaving her!
'Cause I'm coming with you.
But we do it the right way.
My way!
For once in your life, Sam,
listen to me!
Okay. Okay.
Oh, bullshit!
I ain't going back in there!
You saw what that bastard
did to Abril!
- Abril's dead?
- Yeah, she was a ghost
and then she just...
- She's dead dead?
- Yeah.
Are you saying ghosts
can kill other ghosts?
- Taking new ideas yet?
- Nope.
We're really rolling
with Lloyd's jab it
- and stab it suicide plan?
- Mm-hmm.
Ask them if she's alive.
They're not talking.
Basement. Of course she is.
What is wrong with her?
Look at what she's holding.
- How does she have that?
- Why does she have that?
The bitch is possessed!
No, don't say that! She's fine!
Horace debunked that crap.
Kate, tell them you're fine.
What now, geniuses?
We stick to the plan.
We zap it out of her.
- Screw you, Horace!
- Sweetie!
Put the murder weapon down.
Shit, what do we do?
We have to...
No. Shit, forget it.
- Lloyd!
- Kill the host, kill the ghost!
- English!
- We kill it by killing Kate.
- Are you crazy?
- I'm in.
I'm gonna pull your insides out.
Javi, push him out!
Get in there!
Get in where?
In Kate! You have to
possess her, too!
Force yourself
inside her body, Javi!
Good God, what are you doing?
Where is Javi? What's he doing?
- He's...
- He's humping Kate. What?
Push harder. Get inside her!
I'm trying!
Get a grip, lady!
- I love watching you bleed!
- Sam!
She's gone, bro.
Not her anymore.
Sam! Sam!
Just kill her!
It's her or us, man!
Too late. You've got no choice.
Yes, I have.
You listen to me, Kate!
I love you.
Whales, seaman,
whatever... I choose you!
You can beat this asshole, Kate.
You've been dealing
with my dumb ass for years.
But not anymore, okay?
I promise.
I am with you.
I just need you
to believe in us again.
Tell me you still do.
Just tell me.
Oh... kay!
Oh, my...
You want real?
This is as real
as it gets, baby.
Make it stop!
I do.
He's pulling out!
- He's what?
- He's pulling out!
No, no.
Javi, for once in your life,
mate, believe!
Be a god, Javi.
Hey, pendejo!
But I... I believed.
Your ring.
Your ring.
The kiss... it killed him.
Um, actually,
I think... Give him this one.
You are a goddamn great
ghost hunter, bro.
Don't let anyone
ever tell you otherwise.
Okay? Especially me.
Adios, bitches!
Oh, my God! I can see him!
- I can see Javi!
- Whoa, whoa! Javi, wait!
You can't just leave.
Don't cry for me, boys.
See you on the other side.
Mira, Mam.
Thank you.
Just glad we could... help.
Told you, bro.
You really should've
taken your light.
We actually solved one.
I guess "Whale Wars"
is yours now.
Yeah, I guess so.
Last year, tragedy struck hard
when three of our team members
were brutally slain in Mexico
on our season finale.
This season we're back
with a vengeance to...
Take the ghost world down!
On tonight's season premiere
of "DeadTectives,"
we aim to de-ghost
the most haunted,
high-end sushi restaurant
in Kyoto, Japan.
Flank left. I'll cover the rest.
You lead the way, bro.
We are in position.
Any update from our scout?
Shit! Shit! Shit!
Shit! Shit! Shit!
What do we got?
I don't wanna be scout anymore.
I should warn you, bro.
Made a few modifications.
It's gonna be a fun night.