Dean Slater: Resident Advisor (2013) Movie Script
[GRUNT]
[SQUEAKING]
MR. HARRIS (OFFSCREEN):
[PANTING]
Oh, this is so dirty.
- Looks like it's gonna be
a nice day, Mr. Harris.
MR. HARRIS (OFFSCREEN):
I have my doubts.
- Hmm.
- Retraction?
(ANGRY) Retraction?
Retraction?!
- I always said he's go
to a state school.
- What actually your
safety school?
- I didn't apply to any
other schools.
Dad said Harrises don't
need safety schools.
- What about this?
SCSU.
- What is this?
The Biting Crabs?
Are you kidding me?
- Oh, and it says here it's
ranked as one of the top 10
party schools in America.
- I'm not going there, Mom.
- You're going to college!
- Service blows.
- It's the desert, dude.
- You've already called her,
texted her, tweeted her, and
pic'd her, like, 200 times.
- Yeah, well, you're the
one reading that.
- Uh, it's called recon.
Put down the phone
and peep it.
[GIRLS TALKING]
MALE SPEAKER (OFFSCREEN):
Oh, my god.
- Oh, my god.
MALE SPEAKER (OFFSCREEN):
Take if off, yeah.
- Guys, I can't be
looking at this.
- Hey, guys.
Lights out.
Big day manana.
I got some super tight
stuff planned.
Really get to know each other,
break down barriers.
[LAUGHS]
Awesome.
You'll wanna be fresh.
- Our floor is gonna blow.
- I said turn off the lights.
Get the frickin' lights off.
Just t... turn the
lights off, OK?
[COW MOOING]
- Is that a cow?
- Are you sure it was a
moo and not a howl?
- I heard cow.
- It best be, because there is at
a BF diff, OK, between cows
and wolves.
[WOLF HOWL]
[MUFFLED VOICES]
- [INAUDIBLE].
[SQUEALING TIRES]
- [INAUDIBLE].
[CAR HORN PLAYING
"LA CUCARACHA"]
[COW MOO]
[PHONE BEEP]
- Yeah, right there.
Right there.
- There she is.
- Dude, that cow's
scrawny as shit.
- All right, belts.
- Yo, Tyler, why are we doing
this to this cow?
- Take it back to camp
and scare the girls.
The girls' guide says the first
nights away from home
Trust me, they'll be sleeping
in our tents in no time.
Here.
I don't know what
to do with this.
- I thought you were
from Wyoming.
- No.
- Oh.
- Give me that.
My grandpa owns a
Kobe [INAUDIBLE]
beef ranch.
Check it out.
- Konnichiwa.
- In Oregon, dude.
Not all my people fit
(MOCK ASIAN ACCENT)
into a bento box.
- Sorry.
- [LAUGHS]
Whatever, dude.
Look, any culture that's got
obese men wrestling in diapers
is bound to catch some shit.
- I heard they feed
Kobe cows beer.
- [INAUDIBLE].
- Happy endings?
- Woo!
- Look at the size of that.
Yeah!
Woo!
- Hey, guys.
Cow tipping, it's cool.
But you know, you might want to
wait till we get to campus
before you start getting
written up.
I am very disappointed in
you, Tyler and Yuji.
[YELLING OVER HELICOPTER
SPEAKER]
[COW MOO]
- Hey, ch... hey, chickens.
- Your lawyer is here.
- Who you callin' a lawyer?
- Thank god.
Dean, this is nuts.
- Grand theft bovine.
- Hey, get me out of here.
- Relax.
Let's see what our
options are.
[SPEAKING SPANISH]
- Wh...
what the fuck, Dean?
- I'm negotiating.
- [SPEAKING SPANISH]
CHIP (OFFSCREEN):
Cream-filled...?
- [SPEAKING SPANISH]
- [SPEAKING SPANISH]
- Butt sex?
- Shh, shh.
- (UPSET) Dean.
- [SPEAKING SPANISH]
- It's gonna be nice.
You'll have your own room.
You'll be eating healthy.
- Wh...
what?
- Shit, the fine was $98.52.
Where am I gonna find $98.52?
- [YELLING]
- In your room.
Yea-o.
Really?
- That's not... that's
not mine, man.
- I'll be back for
you in 21 days.
- I am a senior, building
a resume.
I'm the R-fucking-A, Dean.
If I get kicked out, I'll be...
I'm beyond...
I'm beyond fucked.
Gonna get kicked out.
- I'll cover the kids for you.
I'll cover your classes.
You cover your ass.
No one's getting fucked.
- [LAUGHS]
- Chip, you're my brother,
and I love you.
[SPEAKING SPANISH]
Take care of my boy.
- No, Dean!
No, Dean.
Dean!
- Nothing.
- I heard a helicopter
last night.
- OK, seriously, who the hell
goes trust-building in a known
drug trafficking zone?
- We have to go back to campus.
- Finally get some service.
- Could you guys just excuse
us for a second?
Dude, we're in Camp Puss, alone
in the desert with three
habaneros looking to
us for protection.
- We better move quick, or else
it's gonna be Camp Stinkypuss.
No showers.
- We're all blank slates here.
For all they know, we're
captains of the football team.
- Except my Facebook was
says I was in band.
- Fuck Facebook.
It's a bazillion-dollar business
built on everyone's
insecurity wall.
- Dude, my girlfriend would flip
if I've rendered them.
- Maybe it's an act of god
you got no service.
Come on.
It's time we make
some new walls.
- Did he leave a note?
- Something better.
An opportunity...
to get to know each other, to
grow and trust, to forge
unshakable bonds that will
sustain us should we ever have
to lean on each other in
troubled times, during these
next few years that
will likely define
the rest of our lives.
[YUJI MOANING]
- You wanna build some trust?
Try telling us the truth.
- It was a ghetto bird.
- Cow was a bad idea, dude.
- Eye of the Kobe beef.
- You mean they didn't cover this
situation in the Girl's
Guide to College?
- We were gonna stop by last
night after lights out to
really introduce ourselves.
- I'm gonna love college.
- Saw your book.
Pretty pathetic.
- Guys, guys.
Let's... let's not, uh,
point fingers.
We're all SCSU students,
you know?
Biting Crabs.
- What the fuck?
- Bitchin'.
Dope crab.
- Thank you.
- What do you want?
- I want a life of experiences,
not things.
Although the things
that I do obtain
should be finely crafted.
And I should so like to make
love to this one particular
woman every morning.
Oh, and a...
and a decent soup.
- Huh?
- Who are you?
- I'm your new RA.
- Did you torture him before
you murdered him?
- Torture?
Definitely torture.
Murder?
No.
I did save his life
once, though.
He was choking on Silly Putty.
I had him in a hammerlock.
- You mean a Heimlich?
- Hammerlock.
Might have been a half-nelson.
- Dude, dude.
- Shhh.
I rammed him up against
the banister.
Mmm-bop.
Came launching out.
He claimed he just wanted to
feel that snap-crack feeling
that happens when you
bite down on Silly
Putty, but I knew.
He had a picture of Hanson
scratched out.
- Gross.
- Made 'em all look naked.
- Oh, shit.
- Even the little drummer boy.
- Oh, god.
- Sickness.
He's a good kid, though.
Come on, let's get back to
campus for that first night
party and really build
some trust.
- Hey, Tyler, what's Hanson?
- Should we?
- Let's go.
YUJI (OFFSCREEN): Holy crab,
we're gonna be so high, dude.
TYLER (OFFSCREEN): Where
did you get this?
DEAN (OFFSCREEN): I
have a silkworm.
[MUSIC PLAYING]
[MUSIC PLAYING]
[MUSIC PLAYING]
- Where's my clock?
- Scope the phone.
- No batt.
- What the fuck?
- Who the fuck?
- Holy shit!
- Fucking falcon?
- A falconer flies falcons.
I'm an austringer.
I fly hawks.
You boys have fun last night?
- Don't know.
- You took all our
batteries out?
- Learning begins within.
You're setting your own
internal clocks.
- I'm probably missing class.
- You're re-prioritizing.
That's good.
- I feel like I'm gonna puke.
- Epicurus vomited three
times a day.
[STOMACH GRUMBLING]
- To make room for
his gluttony.
[FART]
- Aw, fuck, dude.
[SNIFFS]
[FART]
- Mmm.
- New York strip, Ponderosa
Steakhouse style.
- Medium-rare.
Drunk-dialing, not good.
Hey.
(WHISPERING) What is it?
No, no, no.
No, no, no.
You tell them.
[BIRD CHIRPS]
- Archimedes and I will
be in my room.
Do not come by if you
need anything.
- Strap on those beer goggles
and blindfolds, freshmen.
Boys and girls, SCSU welcomes
you to the 10th
annual Sexual Jeopardy.
All right!
All right, we love this!
- I really don't need to worry
about this kind of stuff.
I have a girlfriend.
- Get some condoms, guys.
If my dad had one, I
wouldn't be here.
- Are we at the boner?
- Remember to...
- OK, OK, calm down.
- [INAUDIBLE] first drink.
Remember, yeah!
- All right, you're...
get on your knees.
MALE SPEAKER (OFFSCREEN): We're
here to keep you safe.
MALE SPEAKER (OFFSCREEN):
That means safe
weenies and safe vajajays.
Gotta keep that vajajay
locked up.
- Mmm.
- Aw, give it to Mama.
MALE SPEAKER (OFFSCREEN): These
goggles are supposed to
simulate being drunk.
Your parents are paying a lot of
money for this, all right?
FEMALE SPEAKER (OFFSCREEN): I'm
a little out of practice.
[PHONE RINGING]
- Du...
ahh, hey, babe.
I was just thinking about you.
- These things never
fit me anyway.
- Hey!
Listen, wasted is for
one night, but
STDs are for a lifetime.
- Oh my god, oh my god,
you could... you
could live off this.
It's... it's... it's got water.
It's got...
it's got vegetables.
It's got carbohydrates.
Mmm, it's got the taste.
You know?
It's just oozing with
that flavor.
It's got that... that shit.
This is...
[SIGHS]
[PHONE RINGING]
[FARTS]
- What's up, pup?
VERONICA (ON PHONE): One?
CORY (OFFSCREEN):
I love you, too.
VERONICA (ON PHONE): Three?
- I love being four.
[GIGGLES]
To infinity and beyond.
[MAKES ELECTRIC SHOCK SOUNDS]
VERONICA (ON PHONE):
[INAUDIBLE]?
- Uh, yeah.
So you know, I'm just trying to
figure out what to rent for
Black Friday tonight.
VERONICA (ON PHONE): Curfew?
- Oh, no.
I know, I'll be home by 11:00.
Be on in, like, two seconds.
3, 2, 1.
- All right.
What's up?
How you doing?
- Hey, babe.
- You're wearing that
shirt I got you.
Nice.
- Shit, the RA!
Quick, we gotta hide
the stuff!
- Dude, what the fuck, man?
Hide what stuff?
YUJI (OFFSCREEN): Dude.
- I am not calling her.
I'm just collecting texts to
see what our options are.
- Yeah.
- I've got the '80s party.
- That's LAB.
- Look, Yuji, you're gonna have
to help us out here with some
of these 'brevs.
- LAB, Lame as Balls.
- Oh.
- Hmm.
- Yo, you guys are
gonna like this.
Jello shots on the quad.
- Jello shots?
- That's so eighth grade.
- Well.
- Let's ask the Dean.
He'll know.
- Let's do it.
- Yeah, bring the noodles.
- OK.
- Hey, have you guys
Googled the Dean?
He's pretty epic.
- Look.
- You'd be surprised at the time
you could find if you
live in the moment.
- Dean, uh, we were wondering
if you could teach us.
- Train us.
- How to party.
- What makes you think I
know how to do that?
[KNIFE SLICING SOUNDS]
- This sand just isn't fine
enough for Spanish tile.
Oystered sand is
so uninspired.
- Dude, you were famous.
- I mean, there's all these
articles from the archives of
the "SCSU Gazette. "
- Yeah, we gotta keep you
under wraps, man.
- It's pretty freakin' awesome.
- I've since learned it's best
not to expose hypocrisy until
you yourself gain humility.
- Nietzsche said, it is my
fate to be the first
decent human being.
And then he caught syphilis,
went nuts, and threw himself
on the ass end of a horse.
The key is to buzz check.
- Buzz check.
- Pro-partying means holding
at brownout levels.
Drink without getting black,
so you can savor.
You gotta self-assess without
becoming self-conscious.
Hear yourself every so often.
Look for context clues.
For example, if you hear
yourself say, hold my beer,
watch this, ease off.
If you hear yourself
say, she'll never,
press a little harder.
If you hear someone else say,
oh my god, he's gonna do it,
shut it down, shut it down.
Buzz check.
- Ah, the calm-splitting clarity
of a decisive moment.
[PHONE RINGING]
- The way I see it, you
got three options.
Curl up, break up, or man up.
[PHONE RINGING]
- [SIGHS]
VERONICA (ON PHONE): I need
some Cory time right now.
- Just hang up.
VERONICA (ON PHONE):
I miss my baby...
- You know what?
At least I get calls.
VERONICA (ON PHONE): I'm
painting my nails your
favorite color.
MR. HARRIS (VOICEMAIL):
Son, it's your dad.
Now listen, we haven't heard
from you for two or three
weeks now, and I think it's
time to get focused.
There's enough of this,
uh, messing around.
You know, I've talked to your
mother, and we have been
discussing options for
your rehabilitation.
And time is getting
very critical.
So you're gonna have to call
us back today, please.
CORY (ON PHONE): There's not
even any sexy girls here.
you're the cutest thing that
God has ever made.
VERONICA (ON PHONE):
[INAUDIBLE]
- Uh-huh.
Yeah, I...
VERONICA (ON PHONE): So I think
it's totally unfair that
[INAUDIBLE].
- You didn't have to
do that, Yuj.
- It never ends, anyway.
I know this is your line, but we
need to talk, just not now,
not like this.
Are you seriously hanging
up on me?
No one's hanging up on me.
Great.
Now what?
[INAUDIBLE]...
- Oh, god.
- When you make a stand,
don't doubt.
Own it.
As for your choices this
evening, gentlemen, I'd go
jello shot.
-5, 4, 3, 2, 1, jello!
[CHEERING]
- I'm in.
- [INAUDIBLE].
All right, let's go.
-3, 2, 1, jello!
[CHEERING]
- Step up.
[CHEERING]
MALE SPEAKER (OFFSCREEN):
Step it up, man.
Go.
- Yeah.
-5, 4, 3, 2, 1, jello!
[CHEERING]
- You're next, sumo boy.
- Let's do it.
- Definite style points.
- Are you OK?
- This is awesome!
Woo!
-3, 2, 1, jello!
[CHEERING]
- This party blows.
Come on!
[CHEERING]
- This stuff's legit.
- Easy.
That stuff's flammable.
- You wanna try some?
I never touch the mass-produced
stuff anymore.
Artisanal absinthe.
I have a stew.
Savor it with friends, like
the wine [INAUDIBLE].
Promise me you'll drink
that last tonight.
- There's not much to share.
- Quality over quantity.
Everything in moderation,
especially moderation.
-3, 2, 1.
[CHEERING]
- And remember, buzz check.
-3, 2, 1, jello!
[CHEERING]
- You, impostor!
[GRUNTING]
[GRUNTING]
[CHEERING]
- Yes, yes!
- I'm an Asian god!
- He's Asian.
[MUSIC PLAYING]
MALE SPEAKER (JUKEBOX, SINGING):
You are an asshole.
[MUSIC STOPS]
- Play it, Sam.
What's the soup today?
- Until recently, I spent most of
my time oscillating between
wondering if and wishing
you were dead.
- Thanks for the heads
up about Chip.
- Surprised you even
got the letter.
Somewhere in Germany isn't much
of a forwarding address.
- [SPEAKING GERMAN]
- [SPEAKING GERMAN]
[LAUGHTER]
- It's nice you cared enough
about someone to come back.
- You know I'm sorry.
- I don't know that.
- I'm sorry.
How are the bosses
treating you?
- Hey, come on, order up.
Sammy, let's feed some
hungry people.
[CHUCKLES]
- Like family.
- Told you I'd be back.
- Who knew it would
take four years.
- Lost track of time.
- You lost track of me, too.
- I bet I can guess what
your track was.
Uh, you got your JD MBA
while interning
full-time on Wall Street.
No, wait, you bagged
Wall Street.
You interned on Madison
Avenue, more creative.
But you felt like you were
selling your soul.
For what?
I don't know, ketchup?
But there was no touch.
You felt so disembodied.
So you came back, to serve
people ketchup.
- Obviously, they have
Facebook in Germany.
- What's Facebook?
- And it was jams, not ketchup.
I was on a Smucker's account.
- It was just a guess.
- And what exactly did you over
achieve while doing your
post-graduate bake?
- I totally unplugged.
My only media was ancient
manuscripts,
super-illuminating.
Really got me thinking.
- About what?
- Finding true happiness.
- And how's that going for you?
- Closest I've been in years.
[DOOR OPENS]
[LAUGHTER AND CHATTER]
- That party was so
[INAUDIBLE].
- Come on.
[JUKEBOX STARTS PLAYING]
- You used to sing this to me and
it would get stuck in my
head for days and
make me crazy.
DEAN (OFFSCREEN):
It was our song.
- Doesn't that tell you
something, that our song was a
form of torture?
[INTERPOSING VOICES]
- Are you Asian or Japanese?
- Both?
- You can go ahead and slam us
with six breakfast specials.
- Full slam.
- Did you seriously just
order for us?
- Yeah, my dad usually orders
for the table.
- Control freak.
- No, I mean, he's cool.
He's a cool guy.
You know, he's just,
um, not really cool
with me being here.
I actually got accepted
to Caltech.
But, uh, when I got the un-in
letter, I guess my
dad wasn't so happy.
- Un-in letter?
- Yeah, he just kept rocking
in his chair saying...
- Retraction, retraction.
[LAUGHTER]
[CHEERING]
- Guys, to one epic semester.
And to the Dean for supplying
the green.
- Dean gave you that?
- You know the Dean?
- To the Dean!
[CHEERING]
- I can't believe you.
Serving alcohol to minors
is a crime, and a sin.
Your kids are out
there toasting
you, and they're wasted.
MALE SPEAKER (OFFSCREEN):
Oh yeah, mmm.
- Have they swallowed yet?
MALE SPEAKER (OFFSCREEN):
Oh yeah, nice.
- Agh.
- We need to get them
out of that booth.
They stay here so we
can keep them safe.
Come on, ladies.
- Take it, Layne.
- I cooked them up a special
Black Friday cocktail.
Ipecacuanha root.
- Ipeca what?
- Syrup of Ipecac.
- Ooh, I don't know about you
guys, but I feel good.
[MUSIC PLAYING]
So you think you better
move that mountain.
Yeah, you're gonna break
down that wall.
Let me tell you straightaway
from the fountain, another job
and your dream was real far.
You're never gonna
chase that dream
staring down that bottle.
You're never gonna make
that scheme when you
can't find the throttle.
So you think you're gonna
shake that money tree?
Good job, big house, nice car.
But first you gotta knock
that thirst down.
Let me pour your final round.
It's just a little home brew
somebody might have concocted.
It's been a long time, but
I have things to do.
But now my crab's brought
me back to you.
I've got the elixir,
a libation fixer.
Take that shot and feel
the devil mixer.
Ipecac, ipecac swag Jack.
Ipecac, ipecac [INAUDIBLE].
Ipecac, ipecac swag Jack.
Ipecac, tastes like
liquid gold, yeah.
Gold.
What comes down must come up!
[RETCHING]
[MOANING]
- Check, please.
- Got it.
[MOANING]
- I have to wiz like a monkey.
CORY (OFFSCREEN): Veronica.
- No, don't you even dream
about Skyping her.
No, no.
No, no, no.
- No, give me the... give
me the computer.
- Yeah, yeah, yeah.
- Give it back.
Give it back, please.
- Oh, dude.
Wake up.
It's bed time.
[MOANING]
- Who leaves the lid
down anyway?
We're all dudes here.
[WINDOWS BOOTING MUSIC]
[SKYPE RINGTONE]
- Hey, babe.
- Oh yeah, that's my dragon.
- Is that his leg?
YUJI (OFFSCREEN): Oh
yeah, here we go.
- Hey.
Hey, guys, I don't know.
- A really big guy.
[MOANING IN RELIEF]
VERONICA (OFFSCREEN): Ew, ew.
VERONICA (OFFSCREEN):
Oh my god.
Aw, Cory, come on.
You're peeing on the screen,
oh my god, oh my god.
- All done.
[SNORING]
[GRUNTS]
- Oh.
- Oh, I wazzed last night.
- You look like amber bock.
- Oh, supposed to look
like pale ale.
[GIRLS CHATTING]
- Wow.
[GIGGLES]
- Mmm, it's like some Heidi
Klum in this bitch.
- I'm pretty sure I did, like,
10 beer bongs last night.
- Where did it go?
- We have to take these
to the beach.
- Oh, god.
- Hey, you guys going
to the beach?
- We texted you.
- I even called.
- We're off the grid now.
- Tossed our phones
in the ocean.
- That's really bad, because
there's, like, this little
nugget inside that
changes colors or
something if it gets wet.
- They totally won't
replace that.
FEMALE SPEAKER (OFFSCREEN): I
have a couple backup phones
you guys can use until your plan
lets you get a new one.
- They totally won't
replace that.
- I don't think they
want phones.
[PHONES VIBRATING]
- Hanna, that's you.
- Thanks for ignoring.
- Better see you at the beach.
- [RASPBERRIES]
[PHONE RINGING]
[PHONE RINGING]
[PHONE RINGING]
- Hey.
The triumph of nature.
- Oh.
- Holy sh...
- Oh, smoked.
- Hey, guys, woo-gee-woo.
- You mean woo-gee-wow.
- Come down to the
bonfire tonight.
- You're not gonna disappoint
us again, are you?
I'll text you the info.
- They're texting us right now.
- How the hell do we even
know those girls?
- Hey, what the fuck
are we supposed
to do with our thumbs?
Whoa.
- Kendama, Japanese juggling,
help me quite smoking.
- I don't picture you
with a cigarette.
- Tobacco?
Never touch the stuff.
You'll find, when you
first unplug...
- It's disorienting.
- It's reorienting.
You achieve balance, work and
life, exercise and rest,
alcohol and caffeine,
women and...
- And?
- Hell if I know.
- That Sam that runs the diner,
is she, like, a risk?
Like, to blow your cover?
- She's secure.
- All right, wazzage, BRBs.
- Advanced and brave, nice.
- He's not going to
take a leak.
He's gonna go Skype
the biatch.
- The mind sharpens
off the grid.
YUJI (OFFSCREEN): Whoa.
- You're beginning to see through
to true motivations.
- [SIGHS]
What is...
oh, my god!
Are you serious?
What is this?
Oh, my gosh.
Agh.
Oh, fuck, I just touched
my head.
She's going fucking
nuts right now.
- Dude, blame it on us, man.
I made you toss your phone,
and Yuji pissed your comp.
- [LAUGHS]
Sorry, mate.
- No, it's not on you two.
I told her it'd have
to be face to face.
FEMALE SPEAKER (OFFSCREEN):
When should we start?
Like, 4 o'clock?
- I already had my first drink.
- [LAUGHS]
- Just a normal day.
- Hey.
We thought you guys
weren't coming.
- We sorta lost track of time.
- Yeah, no clocks, no phones,
no computers.
- Are you guys Amish
or something?
- You going to the bonfire of
the insanities tonight?
- Wanna join us?
- What about the three
[INAUDIBLE]?
- What?
- There's, uh, these other girls
that, uh, invited us to
their party later.
Forget them.
Well swing by and get you.
Wear something memorable.
- See ya.
- Peace.
That was so SMAB.
- I thought you were just gonna
hang, and then you just...
- I looked at those three bikinis
and I thought, even
girls this hot don't want
to go to a party alone.
I figured, just leave.
All we could was
screw this up.
- Nair balls.
- So do this.
- Do this, do this.
- Wait.
- Nope, do this.
- Those guys are, like,
so average.
- Oh, and they act like they're
some epic people.
- I think it's kinda cute.
- Hello?
Of course it's cute.
They're hot because they're
nice and different and
interesting and don't care.
- So unfair.
Totally doesn't matter what
you look like when
you act like that.
[DOOR KNOCKING]
- Hey.
- Hello.
- Oh.
Oh.
- Yeah.
- For sure.
Hey.
- Hey.
YUJI (OFFSCREEN): How are you
ladies doing tonight?
- Hey.
- Good.
- Oh, fresh trips.
Sards.
- Yeah, seriously.
Freshman triples, they're
crowded like sardines.
- Oh.
FEMALE SPEAKER (OFFSCREEN):
It's Japanese.
TYLER (OFFSCREEN): "Don't
get funky covers. "
- It's from our RA.
She's really gross.
- Well, ours is hip.
Hip as in epic.
CORY (OFFSCREEN): Cheers.
YUJI (OFFSCREEN): Let's
do some of this.
Footprints in the sand, carbon
footprints in the sand.
Mother Nature loves the
Earth, turtle doves
and the baby's birth.
But the politicians and those
CEOs, they're destroying the
Earth and it ain't cool, yo.
- May I?
Oy, mi amor.
[PLAYING GUITAR]
[PLAYING GUITAR]
[PLAYING GUITAR]
MALE SPEAKER (OFFSCREEN):
My face is melting.
MALE SPEAKER (OFFSCREEN):
I just came to.
- No way.
- I think was the Dean, bro.
- Who's the Dean?
- Who's the Dean?
OK, the Dean defines SCSU.
- Unofficial mascot.
should make it official.
Biting crabs, lame.
- That's fair.
- So legend holds that the Dean
exposed the administration in
some sort of scandal.
So he wrote an all-new
curriculum for future
students, which he titled,
"On Rigorous Intellectual
Formation Inspiring
Collegiate Ethics. " -ORIFICE.
He told them to shove
it up their asses.
Epic!
MALE SPEAKER (OFFSCREEN): No
one's ever seen a copy since.
- They say he went off to Europe
an created an entire
philosophy of education,
captured in the pages of his
magnum opus.
- "The Magnum Dopus. "
- They say the "Dopus" has such
heavy shit in it that if you
read it, you're changed
forever.
And you'll never graduate,
because the "Dopus" makes you
want to just keep learning.
- But you'll drop out, because
you can't stand
being lectured to.
- Radical shit, the "Dopus. "
MALE SPEAKER (OFFSCREEN):
Totally.
- Is it online?
- Not a chance.
- Only one copy, handwritten,
in Germany.
- That's where he wrote
most of it.
So I have this cousin who was
a foreign exchange student,
went and lived with this family
who knew a guy that
worked as a translator, who met
a guy that helped the Dean
when he first got there, who
said the Dean was, like,
pretty cool, man.
- Ah.
Do you think that was him?
- No.
The Dean's so far beyond
this place, man.
- Yeah, yeah.
Totally.
- You guys are like puppies.
Cute little puppies.
- We could be dogs.
Hey.
So I'm having this thing...
- We can't hang with you.
- It's... uh, it's cool.
I mean, it'll be mellow.
Like, we won't hang with you.
- You know, there are some videos
that you just can't
unsee no matter how
hard you try.
- There it blows.
- What blows?
- My life.
You see, there's this video,
and a whole bunch of people
have seen it, and it's online.
MALE SPEAKER (OFFSCREEN):
So got it!
I got it!
- (IN PAIN) Oh!
- (IN PAIN) Oh.
- Oh.
Oh.
Are you OK?
- Sorry, bro.
Do you want some cold kelp?
- No.
- Ow.
Oh, dude, you're Fart Loader.
[LAUGHS]
- Oh.
Oh, there they are.
[MOANING]
Oh my god.
God, I had her right
there on the cusp.
I'm pretty sure she hasn't
even seen the video yet.
- She will.
- I wanted to own it, you know?
Tell her myself.
- You still can, man.
- Hey, it's Fart Loader.
No, no, no, no.
Get over here.
Hey, next game.
It's Fart Loader.
Dude, if we win, you've
gotta fart-load live.
- And if we win?
- Name your price, Ray Charles.
- You guys shut up.
- And who the fuck...
- I'm his RA.
- Well, perfect.
I'll kick your ass, and
then you'll get
written up for underage.
- Nobody's getting written up.
But I would like to point
out a few things.
Buying an identity from
brand-affinity is the lamest
form of self-expression.
iTelephones, iTablets, iMusic,
aye, aye, aye, I can't believe
how selfish you are.
When was the last time you
bought something for you, for
our, for we?
- I bought Wii Sports.
- By the way, Ray Charles
was my godfather.
- Game on.
Agh.
Oh, you got me mad.
All right, all right,
I'm getting loose.
Flip cup, flip cup, I'm
a flip cup guy.
I was a flip cup guy
in high school.
- I play by faith,
not by sight.
Game on.
[MUSIC PLAYING]
[MUSIC PLAYING]
[MUSIC PLAYING]
- Ha, ha.
That's right.
Suck it!
Money.
You got this, you got
this, you got this.
Come on.
MALE SPEAKER (OFFSCREEN): Oh!
- I'm serious, I'm
still thirsty.
I'm parched, man.
- Timing is everything.
[CHEERING]
CORY (OFFSCREEN): Epic
pong shots, man.
[DOOR KNOCKING]
- Yuj, you're closest.
- To what?
- The door, douche.
[DOOR KNOCKING]
- Fuck off.
- Narb, narb!
[DOOR KNOCKING]
- Fuck the fuck off!
- You win.
You're the only one pissed off
enough to get the door.
- Oh, I'm taking this
to the showers.
- Oh, these boxers are
[INAUDIBLE] my balls.
- Babe?
What's up?
- We need to talk.
- About what?
- I don't even know
what to say.
- That's Skype guy.
- Oh, god, I can't wait
to masturbate.
- It wasn't Cory.
- Are you sure?
- Pretty sure.
- Pull down your pants.
- What are you... what?
- If you love me, you'll
prove it.
Pull down your pants.
- Nope.
- Definitely not.
- Ooh, forgot my shower slips.
- Gross.
[FART]
- Oh, Yuji.
- Go Bears.
- Dude, put some pants on.
- Ew.
Fart Loader?
- Ugh, sick.
- I can't even believe you're
living with the Fart Loader.
FEMALE SPEAKER (OFFSCREEN):
10 million dislikes?
Hello?
Kill yourself.
- I got us a new phone.
- You gonna take him back?
- I'll just have to check
my status and see.
- Mmm.
That's good.
- [SIGHS]
- Wait.
YUJI (OFFSCREEN): But I
really have to pee.
- I have a better idea.
It's time for some social
not-working.
- I told you it wasn't
gonna work.
- Hold on, hold on.
Shit.
Yuji, do your thing.
- Oh, you got it.
- Oh, gosh.
OK.
- I thought you had to pee.
- I got stage fright.
Think of lemonade
or something.
- Oh, yeah.
Oh, come on, come on.
- Ooh yeah, that's good.
- I got not enough stream.
- Come on, come on.
- I think someone's coming.
- Come on.
- Oh, yeah!
- Oh, dude, dude.
- Yeah!
Ah!
- Woo!
Hoo-hoo!
- There we go.
- No way.
- Oh, what the fuck?
- Uh...
- Sorry.
Yeah.
- You know what all
this shiz is?
- Dude, he got into Caltech.
- Oh, where is it?
- I'm not putting my prints
on anything.
- Oh, I probably just left
my DNA in the wazz.
There may be some sloughed
epithelial cells, but not
enough to get a clean sample.
- Unless you dropped a pube.
- Uh, excuse me?
I'm an American.
I fly bald eagle.
- Yeah, well you know, when I
fly the bullshit flag, I'm
pretty sure wazzing and
entering is a crime in
- Relax, I'm putting everyone
back online the second I can
Besides, the whole campus goes
dark, Veronica can't bitch.
- Pretty sure Veronica could
bitch her way out of a black
- Why are you even with her?
- I don't know, man.
It started out cool, and then
it just sort of was.
And then, you know, next thing
you know, I'm getting fitted
for a tux to prom in a
tux that she picked.
And I hadn't even
asked her yet.
Do you know what?
Give me that cable.
Let's do this.
- Yeah.
Do what?
- Kill the internet.
- You're gonna kill
the internet.
- I'm betting the campus I guys haven't updated the
router firmware since 1998.
So they'll never even know that
I just routed outgoing
traffic right back
home to mama.
It's like hacking candy
from a baby.
Now the hard part.
- The phones?
When you place a cell call, it
goes from your handset to the
cell tower, down a wire, to
this manager right here.
Then your call's converted to
Voice-over-IP and dispatched
down trunk lines that go out
to multiple SIP providers.
So all I have to do is log in
and declare one really big
- That's what I would do.
Wait, what's that exception?
- Look, all you need to know is
all the phone calls are gonna
be forwarded to Cory's phone.
- Wha... what?
Why my phone?
- That's not even your phone.
Veronica gave it to you.
- Oh, I know we should have
just peed on it.
- Trust me, this is better.
[PHONE RINGING]
TYLER (OFFSCREEN): I guess
it's already working.
YUGI (OFFSCREEN): Oh.
CORY (OFFSCREEN): Oh, no.
- We should leave.
[SECURITY ALARM]
- Which way's the exit?
- It was this way.
Come on.
- Approaching southwest corner
of the technology building.
Hmm?
Huh.
Saki?
- Traveling light?
- You know I'm not going.
- I don't know that.
- And yet somehow I always
know you're not staying.
Nice bindle.
- Thank you.
It's a big, beautiful
world, Sam.
Come with me.
Let me show it to ya.
- It all sounds so good.
It always sounds so good.
They're just sounds, Dean.
They're not even
words anymore.
What's the word count on your
magnum opus these days?
-269,185.
- When's my birthday?
I have two more words for you.
The end.
- I only know that because it
just so happens to be two more
than the "Odyssey" and "The
Iliad" combined, which is kind
of a big deal for me.
Doesn't that ever
happen to you?
When you know it, when it... when
it's right there, it's...
you just can't...
[DOOR SHUTS]
- February 13.
MALE SPEAKER (OFFSCREEN):
[YAWN]
Good morning, internet.
MALE SPEAKER (OFFSCREEN):
Good morning, Facebook.
FEMALE SPEAKER (OFFSCREEN):
Good morning, Instagram.
FEMALE SPEAKER (OFFSCREEN):
What the...
FEMALE SPEAKER (OFFSCREEN): Um,
do you guys know if the
internet is, like,
not working?
MALE SPEAKER (OFFSCREEN):
Nothing is working.
It's BS.
VERONICA (VOICEMAIL): Hi, you've
reached Cory's phone.
Leave a message and I
will call you back.
MALE SPEAKER (OFFSCREEN): Cory
sounds like a little bitch!
MALE SPEAKER (OFFSCREEN): No!
No!
MALE SPEAKER (OFFSCREEN): It
just says "connecting. "
MALE SPEAKER (OFFSCREEN): It
keeps saying "connecting. "
VERONICA (VOICEMAIL): You've
reached Cory's phone.
Leave a message and I...
- Oh, man, it doesn't matter
what number I call.
I get some bitch named Cory.
- How am I supposed to write a
term paper without Wikipedia?
- Yeah, I don't fucking
know, man.
- Do you know where
the internet is?
- I will suck your dick for
some internet if you know
- Oh my god, listen
to this shit!
VERONICA (VOICEMAIL): Leave
a message and I
will call you back.
Oh, man, you... you bitch, how
about you show your fucking
face so we can all kill you.
Ah!
- [SCREAMING]
MALE SPEAKER (OFFSCREEN): You
dicks are our only hope.
- Hey, um, i... is Hanna here?
- She went to class.
You know you chipper
her tooth, right?
- And I suppose you have no
idea what happened to the
internet, Mr. Caltech.
- OK, well, if... if you guys... if
you guys see her, will you
tell her I'm looking
for her, please?
- Mmm.
- No.
FEMALE SPEAKER (OFFSCREEN): Oh
my god, my wall... my birthday
wall is empty.
- Fucking walls, man.
Fucking walls.
- When you find yourself running
away, like the hunter
from the angry buffalo, slow
down like the patient tortoise
and begin to walk toward...
- Towards what?
- Just toward.
- You know what?
Screw your Socratic questions
and smoked-out parables, OK?
I'm gonna go figure
out how to get
unfucked in the real world.
And I thought you
quit smoking.
FEMALE SPEAKER (ON TAPE):
[INAUDIBLE] is
one of nature's sounds.
- You know, Mr. Caltech, just
because we're not as smart as
you doesn't mean we're stupid.
How did you manage to shut
down the internet for the
entire school?
And how are all of everyone's
calls being forwarded to Cory?
- It was simply, really,
in a kind of
ridiculously complex way.
- Well, you better go fix it.
I don't want to have to be
visiting you in jail.
- You'd visit me in jail?
- I kissed you, didn't I?
- I wanted to tell you that
there's this viral video of
me, and taken out of context,
can be completely disturbing.
But some people call me...
- Fart Loader?
I know.
I'm Cat Licker.
Now, when the cat presents
itself, lick the...
140 million views, not
counting from you.
- Y... you're Cat Licker?
I love that.
And you know what?
No, no, you're not Cat Licker.
That's not who you are.
I gotta get back to campus
and fix this.
- They can wait an hour, two.
- OK.
[MUFFLED VOICES INSIDE]
- Don't you ever let the
battery go dead!
- Who the fuck is that?
- What the fuck are
you doing here?
- What the hell are
you wearing?
- This isn't high school.
This is Berkeley.
Things are more advanced.
- Yo, are you OK?
- He's fine.
- I can't believe that you
would just show up here.
I swear, Cory, sometimes you
are completely stupid.
- Make that your background.
- Don't you dare walk away.
Your Skype masturbation
privileges are so over!
- Oh, check the voicemail,
by the way.
FEMALE SPEAKER (VOICEMAIL): You
have 300,000 new messages.
- We want internet, we want
internet, we want internet,
we want internet, we want
internet, we want internet,
we want internet, we want
internet, we want internet,
we want internet,
we want internet.
- When Larry Page and Sergey
Brin created their first
search engine, the one that
would later become Google, do
you know what they called it?
BackRub.
Do you know why?
Because they were in college.
They wanted to be rubbed.
They wanted to be touched.
- I wanna be touched.
- We all wanna be touched,
literally, figuratively,
spiritually, physically.
Just maybe college is a time for
a little more backrub and
a little less Facebook
in your world view.
Maybe having a smartphone
doesn't make you smart.
Maybe the best it can
do is inform you.
You are in charge of becoming
well-formed.
Do you know why we evolved
an opposable thumb?
So we could text.
- So we could give backrubs?
- So we could grasp the party
cup of life and satiate our
thirst for the true and the
beautiful, the real.
Lift up your thumbs.
Let us give thanks.
Blessed are the taste-makers,
for they set
the tone of the world.
Blessed are the C students,
for a life in balance is
anything but average.
- Chancellor Norden, we have
assets in position.
Just say the word and
we'll take him down.
- Blessed are the curious,
for theirs
is the path of discovery.
- Take him down.
- OK, easy [INAUDIBLE].
For god's sakes, this
is not the Pentagon.
...for a dropped call is
a chance to reflect.
Blessed are the over-diploma'd
baristas, for knowledge has
its own rewards.
- Are you even listening
to what he's saying?
- No, sir.
I have this in my ear.
- Well, why don't you
take it out?
You might learn something.
- Blessed are the butcher, the
baker, the candlestick maker,
for they are not lawyers.
Reach out and Sharpie
your name on
the red cup of history.
Friends, countrymen, collegians,
ask not where the
party is, ask what party you
can bring to the world!
[CHEERING]
- You two better get
out of here.
- I'm Tyler Harris.
I killed the internet.
[BOOING]
- I'm sorry.
I promise I'll fix it.
Come on.
You can help me.
- He made a mistake, but he was
man enough to own it, even
though you know, you know
he did you a favor.
MALE SPEAKER (OFFSCREEN):
Yeah, I mean,
guys, he's not wrong.
- When you get back online, don't
ever go all the way off
the grid like I did.
It could cost you the
love of your life.
MALE SPEAKER (OFFSCREEN):
Oh, this is the "Dopus. "
- We were up all night
reading the "Dopus. "
- The whole last part
is about you.
- The whole thing is about you.
- Whole thing, except chapter
12 on yodeling.
- That's creepy.
He was telling the
whole school.
- Oh my gosh.
- What are you guys doing?
- Face-looking.
- It's like Facebooking.
- But real.
- I'm Catherine, hometown
Portland, currently in a
committed relationship.
What's your status?
- In a relationship?
- You guys coming to the buzz
check party tonight?
- The "Dopus" says every morning
after is the morning
before tonight.
- Wait, you guys read
the "Dopus?"
- Everybody has.
- One, two.
One, two.
One, two.
One, two.
- What's up, buddy?
- And remember, stay focused.
CROWD (OFFSCREEN): One, two.
One, two.
One, two.
- Total [? fo?].
- Fixed the internet.
- Yeah?
- Whatever, dude.
Look around.
Overnet, boom.
- Tyler!
Tyler Harris!
- Precisely who I'm
looking for.
- Dean?
Dad?
- Son, this hacking thing
has gone and caught
some people's attention.
- You're damn right it has.
- The Advanced Secure
Surveillance Weaponize
Internet Protocol Enforcement
Department?
- That's right.
- ASSWIPED?
- How did we miss that?
- It seems the dean of Caltech
caught your little hack and
was very impressed.
You've only missed the first
three weeks of the semester,
so they're making a
special exception.
You're back in.
You start tomorrow.
- You look at that letter, you'll
see that Uncle Sam has
offered you a full ride to
Caltech, if you come to work
for him after graduation.
CORY (OFFSCREEN):
Good job, dude.
That's huge, man.
- Congratulations, Tyler.
- I'm sorry, Dad, I'm just not
cu t out to be ASSWIPED.
I'm a Biting Crab now.
- Yeah.
- Son, I want you to understand
what an honor and privilege it
is to be an SCSU parent.
And a hug [INAUDIBLE].
Straight A's.
Straight A's.
[INTERPOSING VOICES]
- Pincers down, pincers down.
Get outta here.
Get outta here.
- Hey, we got a right
to be here!
- I don't think so.
Break it up.
The chancellor wants
a word with you.
- Dean Slater, it's
been a long time.
- I didn't quite make
it to eternity.
- On behalf of the regents and
faculty of Southern California
State University, I'd like to
extend to you the chair of the
newly formed philosophy
department, the School of Arts
and Sciences.
We are lifting the ban.
Dean Slater, we've
read the "Dopus. "
- I got my Ph. D. while
I was off the grid.
It's very generous, but there
are some bans that
have yet to be lifted.
- Status has been upgraded
to probation.
- Interim dean, four-year term.
- Yes!
[APPLAUSE]
[CHEERS]
- Oh, shit.
- [SPEAKING SPANISH]
- [SPEAKING SPANISH]
[CAR HORN PLAYING
"LA CUCARACHA"]
- [SPEAKING SPANISH]
[LAUGHTER]
- [SPEAKING SPANISH]
[SPEAKING SPANISH]
[LAUGHTER]
[MUSIC PLAYING]
[MUSIC PLAYING]
[MUSIC PLAYING]
- He'll need to be medicated.
- Actually, it went right in.
Come on.
Absolutely not.
Dude, don't be gay.
You got it?
Ooh.
Ooh.
[FARTING]
[MUSIC PLAYING]
[SQUEAKING]
MR. HARRIS (OFFSCREEN):
[PANTING]
Oh, this is so dirty.
- Looks like it's gonna be
a nice day, Mr. Harris.
MR. HARRIS (OFFSCREEN):
I have my doubts.
- Hmm.
- Retraction?
(ANGRY) Retraction?
Retraction?!
- I always said he's go
to a state school.
- What actually your
safety school?
- I didn't apply to any
other schools.
Dad said Harrises don't
need safety schools.
- What about this?
SCSU.
- What is this?
The Biting Crabs?
Are you kidding me?
- Oh, and it says here it's
ranked as one of the top 10
party schools in America.
- I'm not going there, Mom.
- You're going to college!
- Service blows.
- It's the desert, dude.
- You've already called her,
texted her, tweeted her, and
pic'd her, like, 200 times.
- Yeah, well, you're the
one reading that.
- Uh, it's called recon.
Put down the phone
and peep it.
[GIRLS TALKING]
MALE SPEAKER (OFFSCREEN):
Oh, my god.
- Oh, my god.
MALE SPEAKER (OFFSCREEN):
Take if off, yeah.
- Guys, I can't be
looking at this.
- Hey, guys.
Lights out.
Big day manana.
I got some super tight
stuff planned.
Really get to know each other,
break down barriers.
[LAUGHS]
Awesome.
You'll wanna be fresh.
- Our floor is gonna blow.
- I said turn off the lights.
Get the frickin' lights off.
Just t... turn the
lights off, OK?
[COW MOOING]
- Is that a cow?
- Are you sure it was a
moo and not a howl?
- I heard cow.
- It best be, because there is at
a BF diff, OK, between cows
and wolves.
[WOLF HOWL]
[MUFFLED VOICES]
- [INAUDIBLE].
[SQUEALING TIRES]
- [INAUDIBLE].
[CAR HORN PLAYING
"LA CUCARACHA"]
[COW MOO]
[PHONE BEEP]
- Yeah, right there.
Right there.
- There she is.
- Dude, that cow's
scrawny as shit.
- All right, belts.
- Yo, Tyler, why are we doing
this to this cow?
- Take it back to camp
and scare the girls.
The girls' guide says the first
nights away from home
Trust me, they'll be sleeping
in our tents in no time.
Here.
I don't know what
to do with this.
- I thought you were
from Wyoming.
- No.
- Oh.
- Give me that.
My grandpa owns a
Kobe [INAUDIBLE]
beef ranch.
Check it out.
- Konnichiwa.
- In Oregon, dude.
Not all my people fit
(MOCK ASIAN ACCENT)
into a bento box.
- Sorry.
- [LAUGHS]
Whatever, dude.
Look, any culture that's got
obese men wrestling in diapers
is bound to catch some shit.
- I heard they feed
Kobe cows beer.
- [INAUDIBLE].
- Happy endings?
- Woo!
- Look at the size of that.
Yeah!
Woo!
- Hey, guys.
Cow tipping, it's cool.
But you know, you might want to
wait till we get to campus
before you start getting
written up.
I am very disappointed in
you, Tyler and Yuji.
[YELLING OVER HELICOPTER
SPEAKER]
[COW MOO]
- Hey, ch... hey, chickens.
- Your lawyer is here.
- Who you callin' a lawyer?
- Thank god.
Dean, this is nuts.
- Grand theft bovine.
- Hey, get me out of here.
- Relax.
Let's see what our
options are.
[SPEAKING SPANISH]
- Wh...
what the fuck, Dean?
- I'm negotiating.
- [SPEAKING SPANISH]
CHIP (OFFSCREEN):
Cream-filled...?
- [SPEAKING SPANISH]
- [SPEAKING SPANISH]
- Butt sex?
- Shh, shh.
- (UPSET) Dean.
- [SPEAKING SPANISH]
- It's gonna be nice.
You'll have your own room.
You'll be eating healthy.
- Wh...
what?
- Shit, the fine was $98.52.
Where am I gonna find $98.52?
- [YELLING]
- In your room.
Yea-o.
Really?
- That's not... that's
not mine, man.
- I'll be back for
you in 21 days.
- I am a senior, building
a resume.
I'm the R-fucking-A, Dean.
If I get kicked out, I'll be...
I'm beyond...
I'm beyond fucked.
Gonna get kicked out.
- I'll cover the kids for you.
I'll cover your classes.
You cover your ass.
No one's getting fucked.
- [LAUGHS]
- Chip, you're my brother,
and I love you.
[SPEAKING SPANISH]
Take care of my boy.
- No, Dean!
No, Dean.
Dean!
- Nothing.
- I heard a helicopter
last night.
- OK, seriously, who the hell
goes trust-building in a known
drug trafficking zone?
- We have to go back to campus.
- Finally get some service.
- Could you guys just excuse
us for a second?
Dude, we're in Camp Puss, alone
in the desert with three
habaneros looking to
us for protection.
- We better move quick, or else
it's gonna be Camp Stinkypuss.
No showers.
- We're all blank slates here.
For all they know, we're
captains of the football team.
- Except my Facebook was
says I was in band.
- Fuck Facebook.
It's a bazillion-dollar business
built on everyone's
insecurity wall.
- Dude, my girlfriend would flip
if I've rendered them.
- Maybe it's an act of god
you got no service.
Come on.
It's time we make
some new walls.
- Did he leave a note?
- Something better.
An opportunity...
to get to know each other, to
grow and trust, to forge
unshakable bonds that will
sustain us should we ever have
to lean on each other in
troubled times, during these
next few years that
will likely define
the rest of our lives.
[YUJI MOANING]
- You wanna build some trust?
Try telling us the truth.
- It was a ghetto bird.
- Cow was a bad idea, dude.
- Eye of the Kobe beef.
- You mean they didn't cover this
situation in the Girl's
Guide to College?
- We were gonna stop by last
night after lights out to
really introduce ourselves.
- I'm gonna love college.
- Saw your book.
Pretty pathetic.
- Guys, guys.
Let's... let's not, uh,
point fingers.
We're all SCSU students,
you know?
Biting Crabs.
- What the fuck?
- Bitchin'.
Dope crab.
- Thank you.
- What do you want?
- I want a life of experiences,
not things.
Although the things
that I do obtain
should be finely crafted.
And I should so like to make
love to this one particular
woman every morning.
Oh, and a...
and a decent soup.
- Huh?
- Who are you?
- I'm your new RA.
- Did you torture him before
you murdered him?
- Torture?
Definitely torture.
Murder?
No.
I did save his life
once, though.
He was choking on Silly Putty.
I had him in a hammerlock.
- You mean a Heimlich?
- Hammerlock.
Might have been a half-nelson.
- Dude, dude.
- Shhh.
I rammed him up against
the banister.
Mmm-bop.
Came launching out.
He claimed he just wanted to
feel that snap-crack feeling
that happens when you
bite down on Silly
Putty, but I knew.
He had a picture of Hanson
scratched out.
- Gross.
- Made 'em all look naked.
- Oh, shit.
- Even the little drummer boy.
- Oh, god.
- Sickness.
He's a good kid, though.
Come on, let's get back to
campus for that first night
party and really build
some trust.
- Hey, Tyler, what's Hanson?
- Should we?
- Let's go.
YUJI (OFFSCREEN): Holy crab,
we're gonna be so high, dude.
TYLER (OFFSCREEN): Where
did you get this?
DEAN (OFFSCREEN): I
have a silkworm.
[MUSIC PLAYING]
[MUSIC PLAYING]
[MUSIC PLAYING]
- Where's my clock?
- Scope the phone.
- No batt.
- What the fuck?
- Who the fuck?
- Holy shit!
- Fucking falcon?
- A falconer flies falcons.
I'm an austringer.
I fly hawks.
You boys have fun last night?
- Don't know.
- You took all our
batteries out?
- Learning begins within.
You're setting your own
internal clocks.
- I'm probably missing class.
- You're re-prioritizing.
That's good.
- I feel like I'm gonna puke.
- Epicurus vomited three
times a day.
[STOMACH GRUMBLING]
- To make room for
his gluttony.
[FART]
- Aw, fuck, dude.
[SNIFFS]
[FART]
- Mmm.
- New York strip, Ponderosa
Steakhouse style.
- Medium-rare.
Drunk-dialing, not good.
Hey.
(WHISPERING) What is it?
No, no, no.
No, no, no.
You tell them.
[BIRD CHIRPS]
- Archimedes and I will
be in my room.
Do not come by if you
need anything.
- Strap on those beer goggles
and blindfolds, freshmen.
Boys and girls, SCSU welcomes
you to the 10th
annual Sexual Jeopardy.
All right!
All right, we love this!
- I really don't need to worry
about this kind of stuff.
I have a girlfriend.
- Get some condoms, guys.
If my dad had one, I
wouldn't be here.
- Are we at the boner?
- Remember to...
- OK, OK, calm down.
- [INAUDIBLE] first drink.
Remember, yeah!
- All right, you're...
get on your knees.
MALE SPEAKER (OFFSCREEN): We're
here to keep you safe.
MALE SPEAKER (OFFSCREEN):
That means safe
weenies and safe vajajays.
Gotta keep that vajajay
locked up.
- Mmm.
- Aw, give it to Mama.
MALE SPEAKER (OFFSCREEN): These
goggles are supposed to
simulate being drunk.
Your parents are paying a lot of
money for this, all right?
FEMALE SPEAKER (OFFSCREEN): I'm
a little out of practice.
[PHONE RINGING]
- Du...
ahh, hey, babe.
I was just thinking about you.
- These things never
fit me anyway.
- Hey!
Listen, wasted is for
one night, but
STDs are for a lifetime.
- Oh my god, oh my god,
you could... you
could live off this.
It's... it's... it's got water.
It's got...
it's got vegetables.
It's got carbohydrates.
Mmm, it's got the taste.
You know?
It's just oozing with
that flavor.
It's got that... that shit.
This is...
[SIGHS]
[PHONE RINGING]
[FARTS]
- What's up, pup?
VERONICA (ON PHONE): One?
CORY (OFFSCREEN):
I love you, too.
VERONICA (ON PHONE): Three?
- I love being four.
[GIGGLES]
To infinity and beyond.
[MAKES ELECTRIC SHOCK SOUNDS]
VERONICA (ON PHONE):
[INAUDIBLE]?
- Uh, yeah.
So you know, I'm just trying to
figure out what to rent for
Black Friday tonight.
VERONICA (ON PHONE): Curfew?
- Oh, no.
I know, I'll be home by 11:00.
Be on in, like, two seconds.
3, 2, 1.
- All right.
What's up?
How you doing?
- Hey, babe.
- You're wearing that
shirt I got you.
Nice.
- Shit, the RA!
Quick, we gotta hide
the stuff!
- Dude, what the fuck, man?
Hide what stuff?
YUJI (OFFSCREEN): Dude.
- I am not calling her.
I'm just collecting texts to
see what our options are.
- Yeah.
- I've got the '80s party.
- That's LAB.
- Look, Yuji, you're gonna have
to help us out here with some
of these 'brevs.
- LAB, Lame as Balls.
- Oh.
- Hmm.
- Yo, you guys are
gonna like this.
Jello shots on the quad.
- Jello shots?
- That's so eighth grade.
- Well.
- Let's ask the Dean.
He'll know.
- Let's do it.
- Yeah, bring the noodles.
- OK.
- Hey, have you guys
Googled the Dean?
He's pretty epic.
- Look.
- You'd be surprised at the time
you could find if you
live in the moment.
- Dean, uh, we were wondering
if you could teach us.
- Train us.
- How to party.
- What makes you think I
know how to do that?
[KNIFE SLICING SOUNDS]
- This sand just isn't fine
enough for Spanish tile.
Oystered sand is
so uninspired.
- Dude, you were famous.
- I mean, there's all these
articles from the archives of
the "SCSU Gazette. "
- Yeah, we gotta keep you
under wraps, man.
- It's pretty freakin' awesome.
- I've since learned it's best
not to expose hypocrisy until
you yourself gain humility.
- Nietzsche said, it is my
fate to be the first
decent human being.
And then he caught syphilis,
went nuts, and threw himself
on the ass end of a horse.
The key is to buzz check.
- Buzz check.
- Pro-partying means holding
at brownout levels.
Drink without getting black,
so you can savor.
You gotta self-assess without
becoming self-conscious.
Hear yourself every so often.
Look for context clues.
For example, if you hear
yourself say, hold my beer,
watch this, ease off.
If you hear yourself
say, she'll never,
press a little harder.
If you hear someone else say,
oh my god, he's gonna do it,
shut it down, shut it down.
Buzz check.
- Ah, the calm-splitting clarity
of a decisive moment.
[PHONE RINGING]
- The way I see it, you
got three options.
Curl up, break up, or man up.
[PHONE RINGING]
- [SIGHS]
VERONICA (ON PHONE): I need
some Cory time right now.
- Just hang up.
VERONICA (ON PHONE):
I miss my baby...
- You know what?
At least I get calls.
VERONICA (ON PHONE): I'm
painting my nails your
favorite color.
MR. HARRIS (VOICEMAIL):
Son, it's your dad.
Now listen, we haven't heard
from you for two or three
weeks now, and I think it's
time to get focused.
There's enough of this,
uh, messing around.
You know, I've talked to your
mother, and we have been
discussing options for
your rehabilitation.
And time is getting
very critical.
So you're gonna have to call
us back today, please.
CORY (ON PHONE): There's not
even any sexy girls here.
you're the cutest thing that
God has ever made.
VERONICA (ON PHONE):
[INAUDIBLE]
- Uh-huh.
Yeah, I...
VERONICA (ON PHONE): So I think
it's totally unfair that
[INAUDIBLE].
- You didn't have to
do that, Yuj.
- It never ends, anyway.
I know this is your line, but we
need to talk, just not now,
not like this.
Are you seriously hanging
up on me?
No one's hanging up on me.
Great.
Now what?
[INAUDIBLE]...
- Oh, god.
- When you make a stand,
don't doubt.
Own it.
As for your choices this
evening, gentlemen, I'd go
jello shot.
-5, 4, 3, 2, 1, jello!
[CHEERING]
- I'm in.
- [INAUDIBLE].
All right, let's go.
-3, 2, 1, jello!
[CHEERING]
- Step up.
[CHEERING]
MALE SPEAKER (OFFSCREEN):
Step it up, man.
Go.
- Yeah.
-5, 4, 3, 2, 1, jello!
[CHEERING]
- You're next, sumo boy.
- Let's do it.
- Definite style points.
- Are you OK?
- This is awesome!
Woo!
-3, 2, 1, jello!
[CHEERING]
- This party blows.
Come on!
[CHEERING]
- This stuff's legit.
- Easy.
That stuff's flammable.
- You wanna try some?
I never touch the mass-produced
stuff anymore.
Artisanal absinthe.
I have a stew.
Savor it with friends, like
the wine [INAUDIBLE].
Promise me you'll drink
that last tonight.
- There's not much to share.
- Quality over quantity.
Everything in moderation,
especially moderation.
-3, 2, 1.
[CHEERING]
- And remember, buzz check.
-3, 2, 1, jello!
[CHEERING]
- You, impostor!
[GRUNTING]
[GRUNTING]
[CHEERING]
- Yes, yes!
- I'm an Asian god!
- He's Asian.
[MUSIC PLAYING]
MALE SPEAKER (JUKEBOX, SINGING):
You are an asshole.
[MUSIC STOPS]
- Play it, Sam.
What's the soup today?
- Until recently, I spent most of
my time oscillating between
wondering if and wishing
you were dead.
- Thanks for the heads
up about Chip.
- Surprised you even
got the letter.
Somewhere in Germany isn't much
of a forwarding address.
- [SPEAKING GERMAN]
- [SPEAKING GERMAN]
[LAUGHTER]
- It's nice you cared enough
about someone to come back.
- You know I'm sorry.
- I don't know that.
- I'm sorry.
How are the bosses
treating you?
- Hey, come on, order up.
Sammy, let's feed some
hungry people.
[CHUCKLES]
- Like family.
- Told you I'd be back.
- Who knew it would
take four years.
- Lost track of time.
- You lost track of me, too.
- I bet I can guess what
your track was.
Uh, you got your JD MBA
while interning
full-time on Wall Street.
No, wait, you bagged
Wall Street.
You interned on Madison
Avenue, more creative.
But you felt like you were
selling your soul.
For what?
I don't know, ketchup?
But there was no touch.
You felt so disembodied.
So you came back, to serve
people ketchup.
- Obviously, they have
Facebook in Germany.
- What's Facebook?
- And it was jams, not ketchup.
I was on a Smucker's account.
- It was just a guess.
- And what exactly did you over
achieve while doing your
post-graduate bake?
- I totally unplugged.
My only media was ancient
manuscripts,
super-illuminating.
Really got me thinking.
- About what?
- Finding true happiness.
- And how's that going for you?
- Closest I've been in years.
[DOOR OPENS]
[LAUGHTER AND CHATTER]
- That party was so
[INAUDIBLE].
- Come on.
[JUKEBOX STARTS PLAYING]
- You used to sing this to me and
it would get stuck in my
head for days and
make me crazy.
DEAN (OFFSCREEN):
It was our song.
- Doesn't that tell you
something, that our song was a
form of torture?
[INTERPOSING VOICES]
- Are you Asian or Japanese?
- Both?
- You can go ahead and slam us
with six breakfast specials.
- Full slam.
- Did you seriously just
order for us?
- Yeah, my dad usually orders
for the table.
- Control freak.
- No, I mean, he's cool.
He's a cool guy.
You know, he's just,
um, not really cool
with me being here.
I actually got accepted
to Caltech.
But, uh, when I got the un-in
letter, I guess my
dad wasn't so happy.
- Un-in letter?
- Yeah, he just kept rocking
in his chair saying...
- Retraction, retraction.
[LAUGHTER]
[CHEERING]
- Guys, to one epic semester.
And to the Dean for supplying
the green.
- Dean gave you that?
- You know the Dean?
- To the Dean!
[CHEERING]
- I can't believe you.
Serving alcohol to minors
is a crime, and a sin.
Your kids are out
there toasting
you, and they're wasted.
MALE SPEAKER (OFFSCREEN):
Oh yeah, mmm.
- Have they swallowed yet?
MALE SPEAKER (OFFSCREEN):
Oh yeah, nice.
- Agh.
- We need to get them
out of that booth.
They stay here so we
can keep them safe.
Come on, ladies.
- Take it, Layne.
- I cooked them up a special
Black Friday cocktail.
Ipecacuanha root.
- Ipeca what?
- Syrup of Ipecac.
- Ooh, I don't know about you
guys, but I feel good.
[MUSIC PLAYING]
So you think you better
move that mountain.
Yeah, you're gonna break
down that wall.
Let me tell you straightaway
from the fountain, another job
and your dream was real far.
You're never gonna
chase that dream
staring down that bottle.
You're never gonna make
that scheme when you
can't find the throttle.
So you think you're gonna
shake that money tree?
Good job, big house, nice car.
But first you gotta knock
that thirst down.
Let me pour your final round.
It's just a little home brew
somebody might have concocted.
It's been a long time, but
I have things to do.
But now my crab's brought
me back to you.
I've got the elixir,
a libation fixer.
Take that shot and feel
the devil mixer.
Ipecac, ipecac swag Jack.
Ipecac, ipecac [INAUDIBLE].
Ipecac, ipecac swag Jack.
Ipecac, tastes like
liquid gold, yeah.
Gold.
What comes down must come up!
[RETCHING]
[MOANING]
- Check, please.
- Got it.
[MOANING]
- I have to wiz like a monkey.
CORY (OFFSCREEN): Veronica.
- No, don't you even dream
about Skyping her.
No, no.
No, no, no.
- No, give me the... give
me the computer.
- Yeah, yeah, yeah.
- Give it back.
Give it back, please.
- Oh, dude.
Wake up.
It's bed time.
[MOANING]
- Who leaves the lid
down anyway?
We're all dudes here.
[WINDOWS BOOTING MUSIC]
[SKYPE RINGTONE]
- Hey, babe.
- Oh yeah, that's my dragon.
- Is that his leg?
YUJI (OFFSCREEN): Oh
yeah, here we go.
- Hey.
Hey, guys, I don't know.
- A really big guy.
[MOANING IN RELIEF]
VERONICA (OFFSCREEN): Ew, ew.
VERONICA (OFFSCREEN):
Oh my god.
Aw, Cory, come on.
You're peeing on the screen,
oh my god, oh my god.
- All done.
[SNORING]
[GRUNTS]
- Oh.
- Oh, I wazzed last night.
- You look like amber bock.
- Oh, supposed to look
like pale ale.
[GIRLS CHATTING]
- Wow.
[GIGGLES]
- Mmm, it's like some Heidi
Klum in this bitch.
- I'm pretty sure I did, like,
10 beer bongs last night.
- Where did it go?
- We have to take these
to the beach.
- Oh, god.
- Hey, you guys going
to the beach?
- We texted you.
- I even called.
- We're off the grid now.
- Tossed our phones
in the ocean.
- That's really bad, because
there's, like, this little
nugget inside that
changes colors or
something if it gets wet.
- They totally won't
replace that.
FEMALE SPEAKER (OFFSCREEN): I
have a couple backup phones
you guys can use until your plan
lets you get a new one.
- They totally won't
replace that.
- I don't think they
want phones.
[PHONES VIBRATING]
- Hanna, that's you.
- Thanks for ignoring.
- Better see you at the beach.
- [RASPBERRIES]
[PHONE RINGING]
[PHONE RINGING]
[PHONE RINGING]
- Hey.
The triumph of nature.
- Oh.
- Holy sh...
- Oh, smoked.
- Hey, guys, woo-gee-woo.
- You mean woo-gee-wow.
- Come down to the
bonfire tonight.
- You're not gonna disappoint
us again, are you?
I'll text you the info.
- They're texting us right now.
- How the hell do we even
know those girls?
- Hey, what the fuck
are we supposed
to do with our thumbs?
Whoa.
- Kendama, Japanese juggling,
help me quite smoking.
- I don't picture you
with a cigarette.
- Tobacco?
Never touch the stuff.
You'll find, when you
first unplug...
- It's disorienting.
- It's reorienting.
You achieve balance, work and
life, exercise and rest,
alcohol and caffeine,
women and...
- And?
- Hell if I know.
- That Sam that runs the diner,
is she, like, a risk?
Like, to blow your cover?
- She's secure.
- All right, wazzage, BRBs.
- Advanced and brave, nice.
- He's not going to
take a leak.
He's gonna go Skype
the biatch.
- The mind sharpens
off the grid.
YUJI (OFFSCREEN): Whoa.
- You're beginning to see through
to true motivations.
- [SIGHS]
What is...
oh, my god!
Are you serious?
What is this?
Oh, my gosh.
Agh.
Oh, fuck, I just touched
my head.
She's going fucking
nuts right now.
- Dude, blame it on us, man.
I made you toss your phone,
and Yuji pissed your comp.
- [LAUGHS]
Sorry, mate.
- No, it's not on you two.
I told her it'd have
to be face to face.
FEMALE SPEAKER (OFFSCREEN):
When should we start?
Like, 4 o'clock?
- I already had my first drink.
- [LAUGHS]
- Just a normal day.
- Hey.
We thought you guys
weren't coming.
- We sorta lost track of time.
- Yeah, no clocks, no phones,
no computers.
- Are you guys Amish
or something?
- You going to the bonfire of
the insanities tonight?
- Wanna join us?
- What about the three
[INAUDIBLE]?
- What?
- There's, uh, these other girls
that, uh, invited us to
their party later.
Forget them.
Well swing by and get you.
Wear something memorable.
- See ya.
- Peace.
That was so SMAB.
- I thought you were just gonna
hang, and then you just...
- I looked at those three bikinis
and I thought, even
girls this hot don't want
to go to a party alone.
I figured, just leave.
All we could was
screw this up.
- Nair balls.
- So do this.
- Do this, do this.
- Wait.
- Nope, do this.
- Those guys are, like,
so average.
- Oh, and they act like they're
some epic people.
- I think it's kinda cute.
- Hello?
Of course it's cute.
They're hot because they're
nice and different and
interesting and don't care.
- So unfair.
Totally doesn't matter what
you look like when
you act like that.
[DOOR KNOCKING]
- Hey.
- Hello.
- Oh.
Oh.
- Yeah.
- For sure.
Hey.
- Hey.
YUJI (OFFSCREEN): How are you
ladies doing tonight?
- Hey.
- Good.
- Oh, fresh trips.
Sards.
- Yeah, seriously.
Freshman triples, they're
crowded like sardines.
- Oh.
FEMALE SPEAKER (OFFSCREEN):
It's Japanese.
TYLER (OFFSCREEN): "Don't
get funky covers. "
- It's from our RA.
She's really gross.
- Well, ours is hip.
Hip as in epic.
CORY (OFFSCREEN): Cheers.
YUJI (OFFSCREEN): Let's
do some of this.
Footprints in the sand, carbon
footprints in the sand.
Mother Nature loves the
Earth, turtle doves
and the baby's birth.
But the politicians and those
CEOs, they're destroying the
Earth and it ain't cool, yo.
- May I?
Oy, mi amor.
[PLAYING GUITAR]
[PLAYING GUITAR]
[PLAYING GUITAR]
MALE SPEAKER (OFFSCREEN):
My face is melting.
MALE SPEAKER (OFFSCREEN):
I just came to.
- No way.
- I think was the Dean, bro.
- Who's the Dean?
- Who's the Dean?
OK, the Dean defines SCSU.
- Unofficial mascot.
should make it official.
Biting crabs, lame.
- That's fair.
- So legend holds that the Dean
exposed the administration in
some sort of scandal.
So he wrote an all-new
curriculum for future
students, which he titled,
"On Rigorous Intellectual
Formation Inspiring
Collegiate Ethics. " -ORIFICE.
He told them to shove
it up their asses.
Epic!
MALE SPEAKER (OFFSCREEN): No
one's ever seen a copy since.
- They say he went off to Europe
an created an entire
philosophy of education,
captured in the pages of his
magnum opus.
- "The Magnum Dopus. "
- They say the "Dopus" has such
heavy shit in it that if you
read it, you're changed
forever.
And you'll never graduate,
because the "Dopus" makes you
want to just keep learning.
- But you'll drop out, because
you can't stand
being lectured to.
- Radical shit, the "Dopus. "
MALE SPEAKER (OFFSCREEN):
Totally.
- Is it online?
- Not a chance.
- Only one copy, handwritten,
in Germany.
- That's where he wrote
most of it.
So I have this cousin who was
a foreign exchange student,
went and lived with this family
who knew a guy that
worked as a translator, who met
a guy that helped the Dean
when he first got there, who
said the Dean was, like,
pretty cool, man.
- Ah.
Do you think that was him?
- No.
The Dean's so far beyond
this place, man.
- Yeah, yeah.
Totally.
- You guys are like puppies.
Cute little puppies.
- We could be dogs.
Hey.
So I'm having this thing...
- We can't hang with you.
- It's... uh, it's cool.
I mean, it'll be mellow.
Like, we won't hang with you.
- You know, there are some videos
that you just can't
unsee no matter how
hard you try.
- There it blows.
- What blows?
- My life.
You see, there's this video,
and a whole bunch of people
have seen it, and it's online.
MALE SPEAKER (OFFSCREEN):
So got it!
I got it!
- (IN PAIN) Oh!
- (IN PAIN) Oh.
- Oh.
Oh.
Are you OK?
- Sorry, bro.
Do you want some cold kelp?
- No.
- Ow.
Oh, dude, you're Fart Loader.
[LAUGHS]
- Oh.
Oh, there they are.
[MOANING]
Oh my god.
God, I had her right
there on the cusp.
I'm pretty sure she hasn't
even seen the video yet.
- She will.
- I wanted to own it, you know?
Tell her myself.
- You still can, man.
- Hey, it's Fart Loader.
No, no, no, no.
Get over here.
Hey, next game.
It's Fart Loader.
Dude, if we win, you've
gotta fart-load live.
- And if we win?
- Name your price, Ray Charles.
- You guys shut up.
- And who the fuck...
- I'm his RA.
- Well, perfect.
I'll kick your ass, and
then you'll get
written up for underage.
- Nobody's getting written up.
But I would like to point
out a few things.
Buying an identity from
brand-affinity is the lamest
form of self-expression.
iTelephones, iTablets, iMusic,
aye, aye, aye, I can't believe
how selfish you are.
When was the last time you
bought something for you, for
our, for we?
- I bought Wii Sports.
- By the way, Ray Charles
was my godfather.
- Game on.
Agh.
Oh, you got me mad.
All right, all right,
I'm getting loose.
Flip cup, flip cup, I'm
a flip cup guy.
I was a flip cup guy
in high school.
- I play by faith,
not by sight.
Game on.
[MUSIC PLAYING]
[MUSIC PLAYING]
[MUSIC PLAYING]
- Ha, ha.
That's right.
Suck it!
Money.
You got this, you got
this, you got this.
Come on.
MALE SPEAKER (OFFSCREEN): Oh!
- I'm serious, I'm
still thirsty.
I'm parched, man.
- Timing is everything.
[CHEERING]
CORY (OFFSCREEN): Epic
pong shots, man.
[DOOR KNOCKING]
- Yuj, you're closest.
- To what?
- The door, douche.
[DOOR KNOCKING]
- Fuck off.
- Narb, narb!
[DOOR KNOCKING]
- Fuck the fuck off!
- You win.
You're the only one pissed off
enough to get the door.
- Oh, I'm taking this
to the showers.
- Oh, these boxers are
[INAUDIBLE] my balls.
- Babe?
What's up?
- We need to talk.
- About what?
- I don't even know
what to say.
- That's Skype guy.
- Oh, god, I can't wait
to masturbate.
- It wasn't Cory.
- Are you sure?
- Pretty sure.
- Pull down your pants.
- What are you... what?
- If you love me, you'll
prove it.
Pull down your pants.
- Nope.
- Definitely not.
- Ooh, forgot my shower slips.
- Gross.
[FART]
- Oh, Yuji.
- Go Bears.
- Dude, put some pants on.
- Ew.
Fart Loader?
- Ugh, sick.
- I can't even believe you're
living with the Fart Loader.
FEMALE SPEAKER (OFFSCREEN):
10 million dislikes?
Hello?
Kill yourself.
- I got us a new phone.
- You gonna take him back?
- I'll just have to check
my status and see.
- Mmm.
That's good.
- [SIGHS]
- Wait.
YUJI (OFFSCREEN): But I
really have to pee.
- I have a better idea.
It's time for some social
not-working.
- I told you it wasn't
gonna work.
- Hold on, hold on.
Shit.
Yuji, do your thing.
- Oh, you got it.
- Oh, gosh.
OK.
- I thought you had to pee.
- I got stage fright.
Think of lemonade
or something.
- Oh, yeah.
Oh, come on, come on.
- Ooh yeah, that's good.
- I got not enough stream.
- Come on, come on.
- I think someone's coming.
- Come on.
- Oh, yeah!
- Oh, dude, dude.
- Yeah!
Ah!
- Woo!
Hoo-hoo!
- There we go.
- No way.
- Oh, what the fuck?
- Uh...
- Sorry.
Yeah.
- You know what all
this shiz is?
- Dude, he got into Caltech.
- Oh, where is it?
- I'm not putting my prints
on anything.
- Oh, I probably just left
my DNA in the wazz.
There may be some sloughed
epithelial cells, but not
enough to get a clean sample.
- Unless you dropped a pube.
- Uh, excuse me?
I'm an American.
I fly bald eagle.
- Yeah, well you know, when I
fly the bullshit flag, I'm
pretty sure wazzing and
entering is a crime in
- Relax, I'm putting everyone
back online the second I can
Besides, the whole campus goes
dark, Veronica can't bitch.
- Pretty sure Veronica could
bitch her way out of a black
- Why are you even with her?
- I don't know, man.
It started out cool, and then
it just sort of was.
And then, you know, next thing
you know, I'm getting fitted
for a tux to prom in a
tux that she picked.
And I hadn't even
asked her yet.
Do you know what?
Give me that cable.
Let's do this.
- Yeah.
Do what?
- Kill the internet.
- You're gonna kill
the internet.
- I'm betting the campus I guys haven't updated the
router firmware since 1998.
So they'll never even know that
I just routed outgoing
traffic right back
home to mama.
It's like hacking candy
from a baby.
Now the hard part.
- The phones?
When you place a cell call, it
goes from your handset to the
cell tower, down a wire, to
this manager right here.
Then your call's converted to
Voice-over-IP and dispatched
down trunk lines that go out
to multiple SIP providers.
So all I have to do is log in
and declare one really big
- That's what I would do.
Wait, what's that exception?
- Look, all you need to know is
all the phone calls are gonna
be forwarded to Cory's phone.
- Wha... what?
Why my phone?
- That's not even your phone.
Veronica gave it to you.
- Oh, I know we should have
just peed on it.
- Trust me, this is better.
[PHONE RINGING]
TYLER (OFFSCREEN): I guess
it's already working.
YUGI (OFFSCREEN): Oh.
CORY (OFFSCREEN): Oh, no.
- We should leave.
[SECURITY ALARM]
- Which way's the exit?
- It was this way.
Come on.
- Approaching southwest corner
of the technology building.
Hmm?
Huh.
Saki?
- Traveling light?
- You know I'm not going.
- I don't know that.
- And yet somehow I always
know you're not staying.
Nice bindle.
- Thank you.
It's a big, beautiful
world, Sam.
Come with me.
Let me show it to ya.
- It all sounds so good.
It always sounds so good.
They're just sounds, Dean.
They're not even
words anymore.
What's the word count on your
magnum opus these days?
-269,185.
- When's my birthday?
I have two more words for you.
The end.
- I only know that because it
just so happens to be two more
than the "Odyssey" and "The
Iliad" combined, which is kind
of a big deal for me.
Doesn't that ever
happen to you?
When you know it, when it... when
it's right there, it's...
you just can't...
[DOOR SHUTS]
- February 13.
MALE SPEAKER (OFFSCREEN):
[YAWN]
Good morning, internet.
MALE SPEAKER (OFFSCREEN):
Good morning, Facebook.
FEMALE SPEAKER (OFFSCREEN):
Good morning, Instagram.
FEMALE SPEAKER (OFFSCREEN):
What the...
FEMALE SPEAKER (OFFSCREEN): Um,
do you guys know if the
internet is, like,
not working?
MALE SPEAKER (OFFSCREEN):
Nothing is working.
It's BS.
VERONICA (VOICEMAIL): Hi, you've
reached Cory's phone.
Leave a message and I
will call you back.
MALE SPEAKER (OFFSCREEN): Cory
sounds like a little bitch!
MALE SPEAKER (OFFSCREEN): No!
No!
MALE SPEAKER (OFFSCREEN): It
just says "connecting. "
MALE SPEAKER (OFFSCREEN): It
keeps saying "connecting. "
VERONICA (VOICEMAIL): You've
reached Cory's phone.
Leave a message and I...
- Oh, man, it doesn't matter
what number I call.
I get some bitch named Cory.
- How am I supposed to write a
term paper without Wikipedia?
- Yeah, I don't fucking
know, man.
- Do you know where
the internet is?
- I will suck your dick for
some internet if you know
- Oh my god, listen
to this shit!
VERONICA (VOICEMAIL): Leave
a message and I
will call you back.
Oh, man, you... you bitch, how
about you show your fucking
face so we can all kill you.
Ah!
- [SCREAMING]
MALE SPEAKER (OFFSCREEN): You
dicks are our only hope.
- Hey, um, i... is Hanna here?
- She went to class.
You know you chipper
her tooth, right?
- And I suppose you have no
idea what happened to the
internet, Mr. Caltech.
- OK, well, if... if you guys... if
you guys see her, will you
tell her I'm looking
for her, please?
- Mmm.
- No.
FEMALE SPEAKER (OFFSCREEN): Oh
my god, my wall... my birthday
wall is empty.
- Fucking walls, man.
Fucking walls.
- When you find yourself running
away, like the hunter
from the angry buffalo, slow
down like the patient tortoise
and begin to walk toward...
- Towards what?
- Just toward.
- You know what?
Screw your Socratic questions
and smoked-out parables, OK?
I'm gonna go figure
out how to get
unfucked in the real world.
And I thought you
quit smoking.
FEMALE SPEAKER (ON TAPE):
[INAUDIBLE] is
one of nature's sounds.
- You know, Mr. Caltech, just
because we're not as smart as
you doesn't mean we're stupid.
How did you manage to shut
down the internet for the
entire school?
And how are all of everyone's
calls being forwarded to Cory?
- It was simply, really,
in a kind of
ridiculously complex way.
- Well, you better go fix it.
I don't want to have to be
visiting you in jail.
- You'd visit me in jail?
- I kissed you, didn't I?
- I wanted to tell you that
there's this viral video of
me, and taken out of context,
can be completely disturbing.
But some people call me...
- Fart Loader?
I know.
I'm Cat Licker.
Now, when the cat presents
itself, lick the...
140 million views, not
counting from you.
- Y... you're Cat Licker?
I love that.
And you know what?
No, no, you're not Cat Licker.
That's not who you are.
I gotta get back to campus
and fix this.
- They can wait an hour, two.
- OK.
[MUFFLED VOICES INSIDE]
- Don't you ever let the
battery go dead!
- Who the fuck is that?
- What the fuck are
you doing here?
- What the hell are
you wearing?
- This isn't high school.
This is Berkeley.
Things are more advanced.
- Yo, are you OK?
- He's fine.
- I can't believe that you
would just show up here.
I swear, Cory, sometimes you
are completely stupid.
- Make that your background.
- Don't you dare walk away.
Your Skype masturbation
privileges are so over!
- Oh, check the voicemail,
by the way.
FEMALE SPEAKER (VOICEMAIL): You
have 300,000 new messages.
- We want internet, we want
internet, we want internet,
we want internet, we want
internet, we want internet,
we want internet, we want
internet, we want internet,
we want internet,
we want internet.
- When Larry Page and Sergey
Brin created their first
search engine, the one that
would later become Google, do
you know what they called it?
BackRub.
Do you know why?
Because they were in college.
They wanted to be rubbed.
They wanted to be touched.
- I wanna be touched.
- We all wanna be touched,
literally, figuratively,
spiritually, physically.
Just maybe college is a time for
a little more backrub and
a little less Facebook
in your world view.
Maybe having a smartphone
doesn't make you smart.
Maybe the best it can
do is inform you.
You are in charge of becoming
well-formed.
Do you know why we evolved
an opposable thumb?
So we could text.
- So we could give backrubs?
- So we could grasp the party
cup of life and satiate our
thirst for the true and the
beautiful, the real.
Lift up your thumbs.
Let us give thanks.
Blessed are the taste-makers,
for they set
the tone of the world.
Blessed are the C students,
for a life in balance is
anything but average.
- Chancellor Norden, we have
assets in position.
Just say the word and
we'll take him down.
- Blessed are the curious,
for theirs
is the path of discovery.
- Take him down.
- OK, easy [INAUDIBLE].
For god's sakes, this
is not the Pentagon.
...for a dropped call is
a chance to reflect.
Blessed are the over-diploma'd
baristas, for knowledge has
its own rewards.
- Are you even listening
to what he's saying?
- No, sir.
I have this in my ear.
- Well, why don't you
take it out?
You might learn something.
- Blessed are the butcher, the
baker, the candlestick maker,
for they are not lawyers.
Reach out and Sharpie
your name on
the red cup of history.
Friends, countrymen, collegians,
ask not where the
party is, ask what party you
can bring to the world!
[CHEERING]
- You two better get
out of here.
- I'm Tyler Harris.
I killed the internet.
[BOOING]
- I'm sorry.
I promise I'll fix it.
Come on.
You can help me.
- He made a mistake, but he was
man enough to own it, even
though you know, you know
he did you a favor.
MALE SPEAKER (OFFSCREEN):
Yeah, I mean,
guys, he's not wrong.
- When you get back online, don't
ever go all the way off
the grid like I did.
It could cost you the
love of your life.
MALE SPEAKER (OFFSCREEN):
Oh, this is the "Dopus. "
- We were up all night
reading the "Dopus. "
- The whole last part
is about you.
- The whole thing is about you.
- Whole thing, except chapter
12 on yodeling.
- That's creepy.
He was telling the
whole school.
- Oh my gosh.
- What are you guys doing?
- Face-looking.
- It's like Facebooking.
- But real.
- I'm Catherine, hometown
Portland, currently in a
committed relationship.
What's your status?
- In a relationship?
- You guys coming to the buzz
check party tonight?
- The "Dopus" says every morning
after is the morning
before tonight.
- Wait, you guys read
the "Dopus?"
- Everybody has.
- One, two.
One, two.
One, two.
One, two.
- What's up, buddy?
- And remember, stay focused.
CROWD (OFFSCREEN): One, two.
One, two.
One, two.
- Total [? fo?].
- Fixed the internet.
- Yeah?
- Whatever, dude.
Look around.
Overnet, boom.
- Tyler!
Tyler Harris!
- Precisely who I'm
looking for.
- Dean?
Dad?
- Son, this hacking thing
has gone and caught
some people's attention.
- You're damn right it has.
- The Advanced Secure
Surveillance Weaponize
Internet Protocol Enforcement
Department?
- That's right.
- ASSWIPED?
- How did we miss that?
- It seems the dean of Caltech
caught your little hack and
was very impressed.
You've only missed the first
three weeks of the semester,
so they're making a
special exception.
You're back in.
You start tomorrow.
- You look at that letter, you'll
see that Uncle Sam has
offered you a full ride to
Caltech, if you come to work
for him after graduation.
CORY (OFFSCREEN):
Good job, dude.
That's huge, man.
- Congratulations, Tyler.
- I'm sorry, Dad, I'm just not
cu t out to be ASSWIPED.
I'm a Biting Crab now.
- Yeah.
- Son, I want you to understand
what an honor and privilege it
is to be an SCSU parent.
And a hug [INAUDIBLE].
Straight A's.
Straight A's.
[INTERPOSING VOICES]
- Pincers down, pincers down.
Get outta here.
Get outta here.
- Hey, we got a right
to be here!
- I don't think so.
Break it up.
The chancellor wants
a word with you.
- Dean Slater, it's
been a long time.
- I didn't quite make
it to eternity.
- On behalf of the regents and
faculty of Southern California
State University, I'd like to
extend to you the chair of the
newly formed philosophy
department, the School of Arts
and Sciences.
We are lifting the ban.
Dean Slater, we've
read the "Dopus. "
- I got my Ph. D. while
I was off the grid.
It's very generous, but there
are some bans that
have yet to be lifted.
- Status has been upgraded
to probation.
- Interim dean, four-year term.
- Yes!
[APPLAUSE]
[CHEERS]
- Oh, shit.
- [SPEAKING SPANISH]
- [SPEAKING SPANISH]
[CAR HORN PLAYING
"LA CUCARACHA"]
- [SPEAKING SPANISH]
[LAUGHTER]
- [SPEAKING SPANISH]
[SPEAKING SPANISH]
[LAUGHTER]
[MUSIC PLAYING]
[MUSIC PLAYING]
[MUSIC PLAYING]
- He'll need to be medicated.
- Actually, it went right in.
Come on.
Absolutely not.
Dude, don't be gay.
You got it?
Ooh.
Ooh.
[FARTING]
[MUSIC PLAYING]