Dear Dumb Diary (2013) Movie Script

My name is Jamie Kelly.
I'm an artist and a writer
and an expert on all things beautiful.
Inner beauty, outer beauty-
you name it.
I go to Mackerel Middle School.
Hey, you'd think
they named it after a fish
because so many of the kids
are working below a "C" level.
Okay, bad joke.
Forget I ever said that.
My best friend is Isabella.
Isabella is probably one
of the nicest people you'll ever meet,
even though you can't tell
by looking at her
or meeting her
or knowing her your whole life.
Okay, Isabella
is my second-best friend.
My best friend is...
well, my best friend is someone
I can tell anything to,
even the really weird things
that keep happening to me.
Is it just me,
or is it possible that everything
in middle school is a weird thing?
To answer that question,
I need to figure out
the meaning of life.
But until then,
my best friend is my diary,
my dear dumb diary.
# Yada yah yah yah yah yah yah S
# Yada yah yah yah yah #
If I didn't give you
permission to read this diary,
you better stop reading right now.
If you are my parents, then yes,
I know I'm not allowed
to call people idiots and tools
and trolls and all that.
But this is a diary.
And I didn't actually
call them anything,
I wrote it.
And if you punish me for it,
then I will know that you read my diary,
which you did not
have permission to do.
Now by the power vested in me,
I do promise that everything
in this diary is true.
Or, at least as true
as I think it needs be.
# Are you sure you're supposed to be #
# Reading someone else's diary? S
# It might be time to stop and think #
# 'Cause I wrote this down
in poison ink #
Poisoning somehow seems wrong.
# If you read a little secret
about Isabella #
# You really shouldn't know it,
so just don't tell her S
# Just let your mind flip
into a comfortable numbness #
# But never underestimate
your own dumbness #
# Idiots and fools and goons
and half-wits #
# It's not my fault I know everything #
# Information is revealed
on a need-to-know basis #
# It's all in my dear dumb diary #
# Read it in my dear dumb diary #
# If this is you, freaky beauty queen #
# Otherwise known as Angeline #
# Don't you dare take another peek #
# 'Cause I won't turn the other... #
# Idiots and fools and goons
and half-wits #
# It's not my fault I know everything #
# Information is revealed
on a need-to-know basis #
# It's all in my dear dumb diary #
# Read it in my dear dumb diary #
# Yada yah yah yah yah yah yah S
# Yada yah yah yah yah #
J' Yada yah yah yah yah yah yah J'
# Yada yah yah yah yah. #
I know, I pretty much rock.
That's why all the dudes
are crazy about me.
Dudes like Hudson Rivers.
He knows I got it.
Hey, Jamie, check it out.
New dance I'm working on.
It's called the Choke.
Did you say something, Hudson?
Yeah, the box you made me
for my birthday, for my arthropods...
I was up all night labeling.
Doesn't it look cool?
I'm sorry.
Here, let me help you with that.
I've dropped things before and I know
how much trouble droppage can be.
Bugs don't bother you?
Each of these beautiful invertebrates
has their own special role
in nature, you know?
Every creature has its place.
And my place... it's next to you.
We're like two Swallowtail butterflies
meant to flap their wings together,
side by side.
Yep, two Swallowtail butterflies
with their pet unicorn
who has his own pet,
which is a koala.
I said I thought I had more beetles.
Did you see any more of them?
No. You know, Hudson,
I've been thinking...
- Hey, Angeline.
- See, dumb diary,
there's one small problem.
The universe has afflicted me
with a girl of such genetic superiority
that my own personal awesomeness,
which by just about any standard
is sufficiently awesome,
is made to look sub-awesome.
Is that your lip gloss I smell?
Watermelon Splash?
It's great.
Good news, Hudson... you could be
a professional smeller if you wanted.
Yeah, you sure smell a lot.
And just like that,
Hudson followed Angeline
like my dog Stinker
following a pork chop.
Watermelon Splash?
Angeline just stole
my signature lip-gloss flavor.
This could get ugly, kids.
Normally I hate seeing
my best friend Isabella angry.
But now she's mad at Angeline,
and I can live with that.
Miss Bruntford
would like to remind students
that Tofu loaf...
But more difficult to live
with was having to sit
through Mr. Vandoy's class.
He's famous at Mackerel
for a historical fact of his own.
He was born with no personality.
When the doctor spanked him,
he just said...
Is that absolutely necessary?"
In other news,
Mackerel Middle School
is proud to announce
the first district-wide Jump-A-Thon.
When you're that pretty,
you can't tell right from wrong.
She's blinded by her own beauty.
That's not fair.
Angeline completely throws off
the attractiveness curve.
I could be gorgeous
and we wouldn't even know it.
Dear dumb diary,
I'm having a brainstorm
of gigantic proportions.
What if all the average-looking people
in the world banned together?
Seriously, isn't it time we took a stand
against the effortlessly beautiful?
# On behalf of the 99% of us #
# We won't bow down
to the 1% of the populace S
# We're not going to drop down
and take it, now are we? #
# Just because they look
like Ken and Barbie #
J' Perfect people of the world,
you've got to go J'
J' Perfect people of the world,
you've got to go J'
J' All the problems of the world
will vanish #
# When the freaks of nature
are rounded up #
# And banished #
J' Perfect people of the world,
you've got to go J'
# Your sweet-smelling symmetry
is starting to sicken me #
# I'm gonna puke my guts
in your perfect hair #
# You're so wonderful,
flawless and joyful #
# We're gonna ship you to an island #
# And leave you there... J'
J' Perfect people of the world,
you've got to go J'
# Perfect people #
J' Perfect people of the world,
you've got to go J'
J' All the problems of the world
will vanish #
# When the freaks of nature
are rounded up #
# And banished #
# Perfect people of the world,
you've got to go... #
I hereby declare the need
for an equal playing field
for all humanity.
Here is my proposal-hair tattooed
on the legs of the pretty people,
permanent unibrows
surgically implanted
on the foreheads
of the effortlessly beautiful,
super stinky pit stains embedded
in the shirts of the overly confident.
I do solemnly swear
that we will once and for all
put an end
to your sickeningly cute injustices,
now and for all eternity!
J' Perfect people of the world,
you've got to go J'
# The perfect people #
J' Perfect people of the world,
you've got to go J'
J' All the problems of the world
will vanish #
# When the freaks of nature
are rounded up #
# And banished #
# Perfect people of the world,
you've got to go-o-o #
# Perfect people #
J' Perfect people of the world,
you've got to go J'
J' All the problems of the world
will vanish #
# When the freaks of nature
are rounded up #
# And banished #
# Perfect people of the world,
you've got to go-o-o #
# Perfect people... #
You're beautiful and you smell great
and you're nice to be around.
But I'm sorry, you've gotta go!
Your hands are raised.
Do you want to sign up
for the Jump-A-Thon?
Angeline was the first
to sign her name.
Come on, Jamie,
it's for a good cause.
What have you got to lose?
Hey, I came prepared.
So did I, Dad.
Mom is up to her usual hijinx,
committing dinner
against the entire family.
- I heard that, Jamie.
- I didn't say anything.
You should be grateful.
There are plenty of children...
"all over Where-the-Heck-istan..."
...who would love my casserole.
That's what that is.
Mmm, yum.
It seems to me that the kids
in Where-the-Heck-istan
have enough problems without
dumping Mom's casseroles on them too.
- Hello? Carol!
- It's Aunt Carol!
- No, Carol, it's a fine time.
- Let me talk to her!
- why the long face, chief?
- Nothing.
- Are you sure?
- Nothing.
- What's wrong? What's wrong?
- Nothing. Nothing.
- What's wrong?
- Nothing.
- What's for dessert?
- All right.
All right. I just-I don't like school
very much right now, okay?
That's because school
is supposed to prepare you for real life
- which also really s~
- Honey?
I just-I feel kind of invisible
at school sometimes.
I understand, Jamie.
When I was your age,
I had a football coach
who would sit me on the bench.
Dear dumb diary,
doesn't my dad realize my life
has nothing to do with football?
Seriously, these guys
do recess for a living.
What I need is a...
After a while, though,
I started making friends...
That's it!
The thing that's gonna
make me sparkle.
Actually sparkles!
Why didn't I think of it before?
If there's one thing I know,
it's the science of shimmer.
More blue!
Oh, no.
More pink! Yeah!
Oh, this was an excellent year
for hot magenta.
Thank you.
I'm even thinking
because of my monumental art project
glitter can become...
a college major.
I wouldn't be surprised
if they put it on coins,
or cars...
...or even the Statue of Liberty.
And this year's Pulitzer Prize
for World Peace through Glitter
goes to Jamie Kelly!
Ladies and gentlemen,
Mackerel Middle School history
is about to be made.
Jamie, what have you got there?
Isn't she gorgeous?
Meet Miss Anderson, art teacher.
She's my BFT, which is like a BFF,
except for teachers.
I have something to show you.
You may want to brace yourself.
What is it?
Oh, Jamie,
it's magnificent.
I'm afraid I have bad news.
Due to significant budget cuts,
certain extra-curricular activities
are being eliminated this year,
Thespian Society,
Model United Nations,
the art program...
- Breathe.
- Can't.
In, out.
No art.
This could be the end of Jamie Kelly.
This could be the end of all artists.
Breathing again.
You're welcome.
That's why our school's fundraisers
are more important than ever.
So I need to see everyone
at Mackerel Middle
get behind this year's Jump-A-Thon!
Ho ho ho!
Did you know every year
500 children get injured
in a tragic jump-roping accident?
It's true...
and funny.
That's what I'm talking about.
The event will involve
all five middle schools in the district,
and listen up, friends-
certain local businesses
have chipped in
and awarded $10,000
to the school whose student
wins the Jump-A-Thon!
Whoo! Whoo hoo!
Is that really like caramel apple?
There are 350 lip-gloss flavors
in the world.
You'd think with all those choices,
certain people could keep
their well-manicured paws
off other people's
signature flavors.
Now what do you say, friends?
Can we band together
and raise some money
for Mackerel Middle-
Come on, everybody.
We can do it.
'Cause we're all in this together!
Shut it, Cupcake!
This isn't the end of it.
My time to shine isn't going
to be ripped away without a fight.
The school office
is a bleak and desolate place
where students with bloody noses
come for the expert healing powers
of the school nurse.
Here all are comforted
by the sweet
and pleasant personalities of...
the office ladies.
I need to speak
to Assistant Principal Devon.
The culture of our free world
is at stake.
Art! That's the cornerstone
of the whole world, of civilization!
What's the Earth
without art?!
It's just "eh."
Do you know what you have
without art?
Well, basically, nothing.
Architecture-that's art.
- Our clothes-art!
- Jamie.
I got it.
I don't want to lose any program.
I want every student
to fly on the limitless wings
of eagles.
My job is to be a problem-solver.
And you can join me
in being a problem-solver too.
That's what I'm trying to do right now,
solve a really big problem.
You could sign up
for the Jump-A-Thon.
That's being part of the solution.
"Beeing part..." Bzzz.
Isabella says all fundraising
is a money-hungry scam.
Does she really?
And what does Isabella know
about fundraising?
Isabella knows about everything.
You're a good kid, Jamie.
But your friend Isabella
doesn't have all the answers.
Isabella says the people
who say things about her
- only do so because they're jealous.
- I'm not jealous of Isabella.
Isabella says that denying jealousy
is, like, the surest sign of jealousy.
Did you know
that Isabella told Mrs. Frundle
that her dress looked like something
you'd bury a clown in.
Isabella offers free fashion advice.
Her third-grade teacher
said that Isabella is a thief.
Isabella is a modern-day
Robin Hood,
in much better tights.
Finally, this.
Disruptive, unsanitary,
and frankly, ew.
Isabella is in touch
with her inner dolphin.
Bottom line,
Isabella is selfish.
You don't want to end up like that.
So all of our dirty deeds-
all of our deepest secrets
live in that cabinet?
Pretty much.
Everyone has a record?
Without it, you don't even exist.
Assistant Principal Devon,
line three.
Whaaaa! Ah!
This is tragic or something.
Turns out it was tragic.
She broke her hip.
Hips a big deal to office ladies.
They need them
for sitting around all day.
And when Assistant Principal Devon
called for help, I was alone
with all the permanent records.
Including Angeline's?
It was right there.
You know, it's true what they say...
without a permanent record,
you don't exist.
You basically walk the Earth
as a ghost.
Did you see my record?
Eh, I may have seen it.
Jamie! Guess who it is.
Oh, that's my aunt Carol!
Gotta fly, pumpkin pie.
Catch you later, perspirator.
I told you, I switched my spy name
to Princess Unicornia!
Dear dumb diary,
isn't my aunt Carol incredible?
Her wardrobe is like the clothes
my old Barbies used to wear.
Except my aunt doesn't spend
as much time on her tip-toes.
- Aunt Carol!
- Oh!
Do you know what all that means?
Pink is the new black?
Well, obviously.
But no.
It means there are lots of clothes
for you to inherit.
Don't you see how cool she is already?
See, most of my conversations
with adult relatives go like this...
- So how's school going?
- Fine.
- And how's soccer going?
- Fine.
See, if I explain
that I've never played soccer,
it would just lead
to extra questions.
So what do you think
about all this rain we're having?
So how is school going?
Are any of the kids,
like, really gross?
Stop it, Carol.
Angeline is gross.
Do you know that your mom
once peed her pants at school?
Don't... do not listen to her, Jamie.
Your aunt Carol
has taken her allergy medicine,
and she really has no idea
what she is saying. Stop it.
Okay, fine.
Fine, I'll drop it.
So, Jamie, what do you think
of all this rain we are having?
- I don't know.
- I bet your mom hates it.
It could get her pants wet.
Hey! Time out for you, Carol.
School is a disaster.
Well, that's because it is supposed
to prepare you for the real world,
- which also kind of~
- Yeah, I've heard.
But how am I supposed
to make it through without going nuts?
Play to your strengths.
I've tried that.
Well, maybe you have
more than one strength.
It's highly unlikely.
When I was in middle school,
I got teased for having thin lips.
They called me Lizard Lips.
So I would walk around
trying to push my lips out
so they would be more full.
That didn't work.
But later I discovered
I was a really good kisser
no matter what my lips looked like.
And trust me,
nobody was complaining.
You have got to
use what you have got.
Sometimes what you think
might be a problem
could turn out to be
your greatest strength.
See? There.
Photo, photo, photo, photo,
photo, photo.
But what if I don't
have a greatest strength?
Oh, everybody's got a greatest strength.
I've got, like, five.
Come on, who doesn't?
Well, well.
If it isn't Jamie.
You still a vegetarian?
Because now we've got Tofu loaf.
This is even worse
than when they tried serving us..
I saw a doctor.
I got healed from vegetarianism.
Well, then,
bring up the tray.
Pick it up. Put it up here.
All the way. There you go.
Why do I feel like all the adults
in my life are trying to poison me?
I don't think she's going to look away
until you take a bite.
I can't tell the difference
between the meatloaf
and my tongue.
Now down to business.
I've been thinking about Angeline
and the whole permanent-record thing.
The girl has got to be stopped.
- Why do you think that...
- Jamie!
Hey, how are you doing?
I didn't see your name
on the Jump-A-Thon list
and I know you'd do a great job.
That's all.
- Is she okay?
- She's fine.
Might be a small panic attack.
Go ahead. As you were saying?
Well, I remember that
playing double dutch and stuff...
you used to be the best
jump-roper in the whole school.
Does she need to see the nurse?
Dear dumb diary,
only a miracle happened today.
Hudson Rivers basically has declared
his undying love for me,
except he said it another way.
His code,
which I cleverly deciphered,
was saying that he thinks I'd do good
in the Jump-A-Thon.
I cannot-repeat,
cannot let him down.
I think I can uphold our love,
save the art program, and finally...
finally bring justice
to every average-looking person
in the whole world
who's ever been shown up
by a girl like Angeline.
That's right... I have no choice
but show once and for all
the entire world... awesomeness!
# My awesomeness is awesome #
# My technique is unique #
# My awesomeness is awesome #
# Everybody else if freakin' weak... #
# My footwork is like clockwork #
# My routine is the hottest #
# I'm a voodoo samurai super-ninja
jump-rope goddess #
# So if you step to me #
# Proceed with caution #
# My awesomeness is awesome #
# My awesomeness is awesome... #
Look, ninjas! And they have Hudson!
# There is no competition #
# There will be no contest #
# 'Cause now I'm on a mission S
# To be the very best of the best
of the best #
# And unless you've got three legs
and a built-in trampoline #
# You've got no chance against me,
even you, Angeline #
# So if you step to me #
# Proceed with caution #
# My awesomeness is awesome #
# My awesomeness is awesome... #
You're right, Jamie.
Your awesomeness is awesome.
# They come to worship me #
- # From all around the world #
# Ooh ooh #
# And no one can believe J'
# I'm just your average girl #
# My concentration is unbreakable #
# My confidence unshakable #
# My moves are so unfake-able #
# My genius unmistakable #
# 'Cause I'm capable of miracles #
# And I'm here to pull
the stops out of y'all #
# So check check check check
checka checka checka me out #
# If you want a piece of me #
# Proceed with caution #
# My awesomeness S
# Is awesome. #
I can't take it anymore.
It's too overwhelming.
I'm gonna jump.
Jamie, middle school's not that bad.
Please reconsider.
No, the Jump-A-Thon.
I'm doing it.
I'm gonna jump and I'm gonna win.
We're all gonna jump
'cause we're all in this together!
Pretty gutsy, Jamie,
considering all the money
you have to raise.
I have to raise money?
300 bucks?!
Angeline just went around
asking people for money
and they raised
up 300 buck-a-roos?
How famous does Angeline
need to be?
If it was me, I'd be totally satisfied
with being partly famous
and not have to go around
making myself famouser all the time.
She just asked and boom-
If I could paint and talk at the-
Jamie! Hi.
I just met your lovely aunt.
I'm glad to hear
you're moving to town.
Please, Assistant Principal DeVonn,
call me Carol.
Carol. And you can call me Dan.
Oh, Dan.
And it's "Devon," not DeVonn.
I will talk to you later.
- Oh!
- See you.
Hey, no... not... not here!
Big news. Assistant Principal Devon
just offered me an office job.
It turns out some poor woman
broke her hip.
Oh, yeah, I heard about that.
I am gonna be working
at your school!
Of course there was a time
when my aunt Carol understood
that a person would rather bathe
in a tub of hot dog slobber
than have a relative
working at their school.
Isn't it great?
She's lost touch with reality.
So I had absolutely no choice
except to lie to her.
And I'm not lying to you.
Hi, Mrs. Clawson.
I'm doing a Jump-A-Thon
to raise money for my school.
Since the state doesn't seem
to value education enough
to meet our needs-
What just happened?
I'm not sure.
Let me turn up my hearing.
I said, I was wondering,
would you give us money?!
Let me see what I've got.
I'd rather be at the dentist.
It's funny how they're always
so surprised
when you bite their fingers.
Ah, here you go, dears.
What is it? Clothes?
Maybe we can resell them.
Oh, no.
What is it?
Granny panties.
They look like
old army-man parachutes
with two big holes
shot through them.
She must have thought we were
on some clothing drive or something.
Well, if at first you don't succeed,
try try again.
But if any old lady
gives me a bag of her giant bras,
I'm out.
You have to give 'em
a taste of the product.
Show 'em what they're investing in.
Feet like fire, Jamie Kelly!
Feet like fire.
I taught her everything she knows.
Would you like to sponsor me,
Mrs. Cutler?
Ah, my pleasure.
Mmm, well,
best of luck, Jamie.
Thanks, Mrs. Cutler.
We're also collecting
for another charity today.
We are?
The Juvenile Optometry Federation.
They supply eyeglasses and such
to underprivileged kids.
Well, aren't you two
the little do-gooders?
I'd be proud to give you...
Look how self-sacrificing Isabella is.
She's basically like Gandhi
with a bowl haircut and glasses.
Yeah, I got all the information
about this charity online.
You can help me collect for it
if you want.
And so, DDD, as we went door to door,
not only were people shocked
and amazed by my jump-roping skills...
...but we also picked up
a few bucks here and there
for the Juvenile Optometry Federation.
# If you're with me, with me #
# Let me hear ya #
# Get your hands together
so that we can feel ya #
# It don't matter what they do #
# It don't matter what they say #
# We're rock stars, do it our way,
don't change #
# You're the same girl #
In your face, Angeline.
Now I'm as gentle and sweet as you.
Take that, you toad.
- Is that-
- Granny panties
as far as the eye can see.
Stinker! Ugh!
Ugh! Must not touch
granny panties with hands.
Plan B. Get to work.
You too!
- What time is it?
- 4:52. Why?
Hurry. Just hurry!
Sometimes things
that seem really gross at first
can seem less gross if you just dig in
and deal with the grossness.
Sometimes if you just pretend
things aren't gross,
the grossness just kind of goes away.
But not this time.
He rides past on his way from soccer
every day at the same time.
It could be worse.
These old-lady panties
could still have old ladies in 'em.
I've heard from some reliable sources
that Angeline
does the Zone Shampooing.
She shampoos
each zone of her head
with its own distinct fragrance
of shampoo.
Whenever she tosses her hair,
she shoots a delicious waft of fragrance
right at your unsuspecting nose.
You know, there is one way
to make Angeline disappear.
If that permanent record's gone, poof!
Are you sure about that?
Have I ever been wrong
about anything?
What about that one time
you tried tanning yourself
with flashlights
and a magnifying glass?
Okay, so she won't disappear exactly,
but we might find
some embarrassing info
and tarnish her reputation forever.
Wow. Aunt Carol's influence
has really turned this place around.
Hi, Jamie.
Wait a second, Jamie.
I just have some flowers to replace.
What a wonderful surprise
to have you come visit.
Is it business or pleasure?
Oh! I was wondering,
is Assistant Principal Devon here?
No, he's at lunch.
You want to leave a message for him?
No. I was just looking for...
- a paper clip.
- Oh.
Here you go.
No, no. A bigger paper clip.
A big red paper clip.
Do you think Assistant Principal Devon
might have a big red paper clip?
Maybe. He is just nuts
about office supplies.
- Why don't you go and look?
- Just walk right in?
You are my niece. Go ahead.
- Jamie!
- Hey. Back from lunch?
Yes. But I believe you and I
have something bigger to talk about.
We do?
We sure do.
Look, I can explain.
You don't have to.
Your posters say everything.
My posters?
I've seen your Juvenile Optometry
Federation signs everywhere.
I am so proud of you and Isabella
for taking on this charity.
It even makes me feel bad
for cautioning you against Isabella.
I want to commend the two of you
for making this world
a better place to be.
Or should I say...
Buzz, buzz.
Here, I want to contribute.
This is what happens
when you put others
before yourself... magic.
Look what I found.
We've got everything here.
- Mmm! Yeah.
- Yeah.
- Okay, ready?
- Ready. Go.
- That was so good.
- So yummy.
So how come Aunt Carol
never showed up for dinner?
Oh, no reason.
Plans, work stuff, you know.
Sounds to me like she's got
a big hot date.
Ew! Old people dating.
Seriously, can you imagine
anything as repulsive
as two old people
locked in some withering embrace?
Their dusty decrepit flesh
brushing up against each other?
Their bony fingers clutching...
Jamie. She's 32.
I didn't realize she was that old.
And just when I thought
I couldn't get grossed out anymore,
Stinker proved me wrong.
Ew ew ew! Clean air!
Ay, help!
I'm not sure
if she's going to make it, nurse.
She inhaled a lot
of pure dog stink.
So Mom let me
sleep in the living room
in case the beagle fumes
could have had
any permanent effects
on my development.
All right, so then what?
When we were eating,
he just grabbed my hand.
- Mmm!
- Yeah.
- And then the other hand.
- Both hands?
- Yeah.
- He did not.
- Yeah, it was very romantic.
- He did not!
- Carol.
- And he asked me out again.
Carol, stop it!
Oh, don't be so old-fashioned.
I've heard a thing or two...
Red alert.
Right now at this very second,
I think my aunt Carol
is telling my mom about...
well, I think it really
is about a big gross date.
Oh, he had these strong, warm,
- George Clooney lips.
- Mm-hmm.
Which is so gross to listen to.
It's all I can do
to keep eavesdropping.
These powerful,
masculine Ben Affleck hands.
Ben Affleck, really?
Is he known for his hands?
Ew. Adult city.
That's it.
But, wait. I'm trying to imagine
the kind of guy
Aunt Carol could possibly date.
He would have to be
someone who is, A:
More attractive than Aunt Carol,
but dumber,
B: Less attractive than Aunt Carol,
but funnier,
C: The exact same level
of attractiveness,
but shorter,
- D: The owner of a really hot car.
Why don't you just take a picture?
So then I can be the weird girl
who takes stalker-like photos
and plays with old ladies'
You don't know what Hudson likes.
Lots of guys
might find that attractive.
- Name one.
- Big Foot.
Big Foot!
Hey, Jamie, good morning.
It feels like there's
something electric in the air.
Cute jacket, by the way.
Um, what just happened?
You think she senses
I'm her competition
for the Jump-A-Thon?
She's trying to get
in your brain, Jamie.
Don't let her in there.
Don't let her in!
Class, I thought
we'd spice things up a bit.
Today we're making valentines.
But it's, like, four months
until Valentine's Day.
Well, this is why you're in school-
to practice stuff.
Oh, and don't put your name
on anything.
Isabella, don't you think Hudson
is the cutest boy
in the whole school?
Actually, he's eighth.
I've scientifically ranked
all the guys in our school
based on my cuteness scale.
According the science of Boy-ology,
Hudson is the eighth-cutest guy
in our school.
I've done a very accurate study
which accounts for looks, personality,
physicality and fashion sense.
Eighth is all right with me.
# In first place is Andy Clyde S
# He's got a crush
on Claire Vanderhyde #
# His shirt's always untucked
and his shoes are untied #
# And whenever he smiles,
you get all squirmy inside #
# Brian Buxbaum is #2 #
# He moved here last year
from Kalamazoo #
# He used to be in fifth place,
but then he grew J'
# He's just not my type S
# Maybe he's for you #
# Hudson Rivers
is the eighth cutest guy in my school #
# He's a lifeguard in training #
# At the cuteness gene pool #
# You might say #
# Go for one, two or three #
# I think eight is my fate #
# 'Cause he's more
than just a number to me #
# The Hoffenberg twins
are three and four #
# Glenn collects ninjas
and Gavin's a bore #
J' Calder MacMillan
holds down the fifth place S
# But I think there's
something weird about his face #
# Sixth is Josh Chapman,
he lives on my block #
# Fred Wells is seventh,
he's kind of a jock S
# I could go down the list,
say who's in and who's out J'
# But there's only one name #
# That I care about #
# Hudson Rivers
is the eighth cutest guy in my school #
# He may not be Einstein #
# But I say he's nobody's fool #
# You might say #
# Go for one, two or three #
# I think eight is my fate #
# He's more
than just a number to me #
- # You might say #
- # Just follow your heart #
# I know Hudson and me #
- # Are more than the sum of our parts #
# You might say #
# Go for one, two or three #
# I know eight is my fate #
# He's more than a number to me. #
I'm sorry. I'm sorry.
Jamie, could I ask you a question?
Why do I feel
like I've imagined this before?
I was just wondering why you haven't
asked me to sponsor you
- for the Jump-A-Thon.
- You want to sponsor me?
Jamie, I love your valentine.
It's perfect.
If Michelangelo and da Vinci
had a baby,
and it was a card,
it would look like this.
- Thanks.
- Yeah, sure.
Is that you? Hudson.
Did you hear that?
He doesn't think I'm some creepy
Or he finds it attractive.
I'm just sayin'!
Jamie Kelly.
Just the girl I wanted to see.
I wanted to let you know,
and Isabella,
that because of the success
of the Juvenile Optometry Federation,
the town paper wants to come
and interview you both.
- No way!
- Way.
It's about two girls
making a difference,
taking it upon themselves
to think of others.
- We'll be in the paper?
- Yes.
- Will there be a picture?
- Yep.
- Will it be in color?
- Think so.
- Will it be bigger than this?
- I don't know.
Can I do a snazzy over-the-shoulder?
Dear dumb diary,
all this giving to people
is really paying off.
I can even feel myself
getting more beautifuller inside.
Soon my inner beauty
will be so enflamed
that it will rupture through my skin
and spew bubbling squirts of beauty
all over the floor
that the janitors will have to clean up
with their special throw-up sawdust.
Isn't it magnificent?
Aunt Carol, isn't this going to be
a musical number?
Sorry. Budget cuts.
- What?
- MAN #2: I thought I had a tap solo.
This is ridiculous.
I'm... I'm gonna call my agent.
Don't think you're going
to get away with this.
This is unprofessional!
This is why I don't do film!
Hey, sweet pea,
how was your day?
Is that one of Stinker's chew toys?
A lot of things look like chew toys.
Hey, guys, don't wait up.
Call if I need you. Love you, bye!
And so, dumb diary,
now that I'm beautiful
like Aunt Carol,
I can understand
why men flock to her.
I myself feel like I could stare
at my reflection for hours,
lost in the gaze of my own beauty.
It's not weird to check yourself out.
It's not!
Birthday-cake frosting?!
Is that supposed to make
the meatloaf more appealing?
- Oh, no.
- What?
Angeline-she's been grinning
at me for two weeks.
Maybe it's some curse she learned
using the flawless reflection
of her teeth.
Ruthless with her
Jedi mind tricks, she is.
- What was that?
- Adorable hand wave.
Oh, that's low. Real low.
I don't think you should
keep coming to this school
if she continues
this kind of behavior.
Oh, no.
She's coming over here with that big old
gorgeous smile on her face.
- What do we do?
- Be strong, Jamie.
You must resist her evil.
- Jamie!
- Ah!
Oh, my gosh! Amazing!
I feel like I've been playfully mauled
by a really sweet grizzly.
That's a maneuver
that could easily kill a person.
Look! It's spreading.
Aunt Carol, no!
That's the move!
Look, she's attempting
little tiny stampy stamps.
She's flipping her hair
back and forth,
or at least trying.
And she's even making
that little squealy sound
that makes puppies pee.
Definitely gigglecide!
You know, I think
it really is the meatloaf.
Do you think the meatloaf
is finally making everyone crazy?
One can hardly imagine the madness
going on inside the mind of Bruntford.
# What is it about school cafeterias #
# That makes the meatloaf
so mysterious? #
# Gets you hooked
like a book by Dickens #
# Add gray gravy
and the plot just thickens #
- # What magic's in the meat? #
- # Magic #
# What makes it
such a treat to eat? #
# Makes you want to move
your feet to the beat #
# And wiggle and giggle #
# What magic's in the meat? #
- # What happens in that oven #
- # Magic #
# That turns 'em into
meatloaf-1 ovin' fools like me? #
# It's a meatloaf mystery... #
# Don't you dare question
my strange ingredient #
# My recipe demands obedience #
# You know you're hungry #
# Don't try to fight it #
# You're gonna eat it
and you're gonna like it #
- # What is that secret flavor #
- # Magic #
# That makes you want
to squeeze your neighbor? #
# Can't you see
it's a meatloaf mystery? #
# Don't touch that broccoli #
# Not so hasty #
# Come try a bite of me #
# Mmm, you know I'm tasty #
- # What magic's in the meat? #
- # Magic #
# What makes it such a treat to eat? #
# Makes you want to move your feet
to the beat #
# And wiggle and giggle... #
# What magic's in the meat? #
- # What happens in that oven #
- # Magic #
# That turns 'em
into meatloaf-lovin' fools #
# Like me? #
# It's a meatloaf mystery #
# Magic in the meat #
Jamie, eat your meatloaf!
If you're not going to eat it,
then I will.
Call 9-1...
Wait a minute.
The office ladies are here,
which means the office is empty.
If any permanent record
wanted to disappear forever,
now would sure be a great time.
This is ridiculous.
Well, Holly,
I have feelings for you.
They're just the wrong ones,
I guess.
- I-I-
I can't believe this.
There was a lot of time and effort
that was put into that.
- Um, what, the valentine?
- Yes!
- It's a beautiful valentine.
- Yes, it is. It's got glitter.
Holly, acceptance is seeing
with your heart, not with your eyes.
Oh! I don't want to talk about it.
- Holly, don't take it personally.
- Don't!
Holly, the road to success
is always paved with destruction!
Stop it! No!
Wait. That's the valentine I made.
Dan. How about lunch.
Miss Anderson.
They say guilt can make you
do strange things.
Who knew putting yourself
in a candy coma
would be one of them?
I can't tell if I feel sick
because I stole Angeline's record
or because I just at
10 chocolate bars in a row.
Fine, 32.
Hey, Jamie, I know...
wow, okay.
I know that you are doing
some serious jump-rope training
and fundraising, and I get
that it may be stressing you out.
But you really need to clean
your room.
We are having a little party here
for Aunt Carol on Saturday night
and we need this to be
the coat room.
And I am afraid
that there may be things alive
under this pile of-
What?! Jamie! Whaaa!
Thanks for the support.
No more chocolate!
Stinker, have you seen
my dumb diary anywhere?
I should have excavated
down to it by now.
Where is it?
No. No. No.
I still feel sick.
Do you want to feel sick,
sick of yourself
for the rest of your life?
Do you ever think
you'll stop feeling sick
until Angeline's gone for good?
There's something wrong
with your little floating doughnut.
It's a halo, stupid!
Guys, the record!
Don't do it, Jamie.
You don't know the consequences.
What if you're forced
to wear stripes in prison?
Horizontal stripes!
So unflattering!
Go away.
Oh! Isabella!
I feel like my inner beauty
might be fading.
We need to go around
and raise more money
for the Juvenile
Optometry Federation.
Um, well,
we don't have to anymore.
See, I sent them all the money
and now they have enough.
We totally filled up
an entire charity?
Isabella! Isabella!
What happened to your eyes?
They're green, like jelly beans.
I got contacts. Cool, huh?
Where'd you get the money
for contacts?
The Juvenile Optometry Federation.
Plus I had a few bucks saved up.
Forget the signature lip-gloss flavor.
Now it's my eyes
that everyone will notice.
Isabella, what about
all the inner beauty
we worked so hard for?
Look, they're in my eyes, right?
And they're beautiful.
Bang-inner beauty.
They didn't have the tinted ones,
so I colored them in myself.
I may have used a little bit
too much green marker
and I... I might have wrecked
the left one.
- You faked a charity!
- And you helped me.
Right, so if I rat you out,
I'll be in as much trouble as you.
We faked the principal,
which is like faking out the president!
But when you say it like that,
it sounds bad!
They're supposed
to interview us next week.
- What are we gonna do?
- I don't know.
Lie in print, to the whole city?
What kind of supportive
friend are you?
- Me?! You lied, Isabella!
- I don't need this, Jamie!
No. No. To the right.
No. Your other right.
So much for
my over-the-shoulder shot.
Bottom line,
Isabella is selfish.
You don't want
to end up like that.
Did you hear they might stop
serving meatloaf
since it poisoned Bruntford?
Looks like now they're serving...
What do you old people eat, anyway?
- Uh, beef stew and noodles.
- Bran muffins.
- Yeah! That's what they have.
- No!
I've learned
that it's really not that hard
to fool adults.
And this is in no way
comforting to us kids.
Hey, guys, check this out.
Why not?
"Maybe he is just slightly
too cute for me.
I'm right on the edge of adorable."
Oh, my gosh!
"But if I'm really really lucky
and keep my fingers crossed,
he could become mildly disfigured."
"Then Hudson and I
would be on the same level!"
Hey, can I see that?
It's you!
You're so upbeat and encouraging.
What is it you always say?
- "We're all in this to..."
- Sorry.
You're on your own, "cupcake."
Hey, honey,
sorry you're not feeling well.
I can't believe I did the right thing.
Whatever made me feel
like I should do the right thing?
What's that?
I just need to go home
and lie down.
Dear dumb piece of paper,
I'm writing to you
instead of my diary
because my diary has been stolen.
Of course you understand
that I am de-stroyed!
I don't think
I'll ever be able
to return to school again...
unless I get extreme plastic surgery
so no one will recognize me.
But considering
my mom won't even
buy me a cell phone,
I don't know how I'm going to get her
to spring for plastic surgery...
...just because I'm too embarrassed
to be myself at school.
And in case my children
are reading this years from now,
this is the exact moment
that Angeline ruined any chance
of everlasting love
between your father and me.
And it's her fault
your last name is "Buttalington"
or something lame like that.
The future.
I wonder if when I'm older,
any of this will even matter.
So what if middle-school Jamie
is a total loser?
It's not gonna be that way
for future Jamie.
# Dear future Jamie #
# It's me, I mean it's you #
# Only younger #
# Do you remember
how complicated life used to be #
# When everything seemed
so unfair? #
# But you don't care anymore,
do you? #
# What with your fabulous career #
# As United States Ambassador #
# And your movie-star boyfriend #
# And I bet you never shed
a single tear for me #
# Jamie of the past #
# 'Cause you grew up really fast #
# Like your new scooter #
# So how's the weather in Bermuda? #
# Dear future Jamie #
# Just look at you now #
# In your big beach house #
# With your personal staff #
# And have you ever told them
that old story #
# 'Bout how they stole your diary
from me #
# Oh boy,
I bet that gets a good laugh #
# But that was long before
you won the Oscar #
# And the Nobel Prize j'
# And started
saving Sunday afternoons #
# For family joyrides #
# In your environmentally-friendly
convertible car #
# Just chillin'
with your totally hot husband #
# And your genius children #
# Guess by now you've found
the cure for AID# or cancer #
# Maybe you're a ballet
or a belly dancer #
# You're probably an astronaut #
# The first to walk on Mars #
# Maybe you're in Hollywood
among the movie stars #
# You are so beautiful #
# Dear future Jamie #
# You really light up a room
when you walk in #
# And people like you
and they listen #
# And they notice
when you're missin' #
# 'Cause your everybody's
favorite friend #
Don't you know
you're all of those things already?
This turned up at school today.
Don't tell me you know
all about my public humiliation too.
That bad, huh?
- I understand.
- No, you don't.
- You were basically born cool.
- Oh, really?
You think I haven't been through
something so mortifying
that I thought my only option
was to have my parents
buy me my own private island?
Seventh grade...
...and my brief but
torrid romance with Lex Steel.
Oh, he was so handsome.
He and I had been passing notes
for three weeks in English class.
And the tension between us
had become unbearable.
Somehow I knew
it was all coming to a head
at the St. Martha's
Valentine's Day dance.
Well, I was so nervous,
I couldn't stop eating.
Basically everything on the snack table
went in my mouth.
I mean everything.
I mean, to this day,
I can feel my heart
beating in my throat
when I saw him cross the floor
to tell me how he felt about me.
What'd he say?!
He said something like...
Hey, Carol,
I think you're righteous.
Wanna dance to the next
Bryan Adams song with me?
I was completely overwhelmed.
Nothing like this had ever
happened to me before.
There was just one thing to do.
I threw up on Lex.
Ew, no no no! Puke!
My imagination can't handle it.
Let me think about something else.
Storybooks, glitter...
Oh, I got it... gummy bears!
Keep on going.
Then I threw up in the punch bowl.
Then I threw up all over
these delicious chocolate muffins.
That's horrible.
Then you guys got together, right?
No, not really.
But the next guy was even better?
No, the next couple after
were pretty much creeps.
Eventually everybody
finds someone, right?
No, I have a cousin who's basically
alone and old and crusty.
Lots of cats.
So basically you're saying
that love is painful and embarrassing.
And also the best thing
in the world.
And you're gonna do it anyway,
so you might as well
stop fighting it and just enjoy it.
Dear dumb diary,
tomorrow, as you know,
is the dumb Jump-A-Thon.
I really don't know
if I should show my face.
But what if Aunt Carol is right
and life is just a series
of embarrassing stories?
Then I might as well
go for it anyway.
And who knows what could happen?
Okay, no ninjas.
Actually, surprisingly normal.
Let's check out the competition.
Hi, Hudson!
Are you okay?
I can't do it.
I can't jump a rope by myself.
And look-my pledge sheets.
There must be 300 names on here.
That's just the first page.
I made a big push
for sponsors this weekend.
All this money.
And I'm gonna blow it for the school
'cause I can't jump a stupid rope.
Did she say "the school"?
No, no, no, not the school.
Why'd she have to mention
the school?
If I let Angeline fail, it would be
a huge loss for this school.
No one else
had near as many sponsors.
Without this money,
think of what might happen.
The marching band
could be cut down to one person
with a kazoo.
They might have to stop
giving teachers free coffee.
But the most devastating thing of all
was losing the art program.
Not just for me, but for all the kids
that might not get the chance
to express
their inner awesomeness.
I guess I know
I'm just letting everybody down.
And with that one sentence,
she made my inner beauty
squirt out of me
till I was standing in a puddle
of my own loveliness.
I got it!
Coach Dover, do jumpers
have to hold the ropes themselves
- or can they just jump it?
- All right, let's check.
'Cause if they had to hold it,
it wouldn't be fair
to people with no hands,
- like pirates, right?
- Uh, "length of rope...
natural versus nylon fiber..."
Um, okay, "peg legs..."
Oh, here we go.
The jumper only has to jump.
Somebody else can twirl the rope.
Isabella, I need you to help me
twirl the rope for Angeline.
She has way more pledges
than I ever had.
Don't care.
It's the right thing to do
for the sake of the school.
Forget it.
Isabella, either you do this
or I'll tell your parents
how you got the money
for your contact lenses.
Then you'll be grounded
until you graduate from college!
I'm just moved.
After all these years, you've finally
learned something from me.
Now if I say yes,
will you get your butt off my chest?
Oh, yeah.
Angeline jumped fora long time.
This was probably going to be
her biggest jackpot yet,
and her beauty and fame
were going to skyrocket.
I was furious and delighted
at the same time.
Hey, Angeline, how come
you can only jump this way?
'Cause I need both hands
to keep the hair out of my eyes.
You could put it in a ponytail,
you know.
Oh, yeah, good one.
And the winner of the first-ever
district Jump-A-Thon
is Mackerel's very own Angeline!
My arms are killing me.
I feel like I have a charley horse
on my shoulder.
I feel like I have
a charley horse on my heart.
I can't believe I helped Angeline
after she read my diary
in the cafeteria.
You don't know what happened?
Well, I couldn't see
where I was going
and I ended up making a circle
just in time to find myself at the table
behind Angeline and her friends.
"Maybe he is
just slightly too cute for me.
I'm right on the edge of adorable."
I'd heard that phrase before
because you had said it to me.
So therefore I knew it was your diary.
"Then Hudson and I
would be on the same level."
Then I heard...
Hey, can I see that?
Oh, this is my cousin Jenny's diary.
Uh, Hudson Johnson.
That's who she's talking about.
Jenny goes to Weeks Middle School.
She's gonna be so glad
that I found this.
She didn't rat me out.
Actually, she covered for you.
But that doesn't make any sense.
Then why isn't Hudson
talking to me?
Isabella stepped on my throat
while I was doing
my warm-up stretches.
I... I didn't see him lying there.
It was really cool of you guys
to help out Angeline that way.
You guys really saved the school.
Probably. Yeah.
Whole lotta probably.
A ton! Difficult to measure, really.
Jamie, there's something
I feel that I have to say.
What is it, Hudson?
Taste a little blood in my mouth.
Me too, Hudson!
I always have.
I think Isabella
really hurt my throat.
I should go see the nurse.
Ah! He is so into me!
Remember that little get-together
my aunt Carol was having?
Guess what that meant.
Actual teachers in my actual house.
Seeing a live teacher
in your own home
is like seeing a live orangutan
in your own home.
You just don't know how to react.
Miss Palmer was wearing a dress.
It was actually kind of flattering.
She looked like a nice couch
tipped on its edge.
And Coach Dover?
Turns out his real name is...
- Ben.
- That's right.
Ben Dover!
Can you believe it?
Aunt Carol, careful!
Watch where you're...
I could hardly stand it.
It was one of those awesomely horrible
types of kisses
that is super gross
and super excellent at the same time,
like two people trying
to chew one piece of gum.
Devon's Aunt Carol's mystery man?
That explains the big smooch.
I guess lots of women
are attracted to men with power.
- What was that?
- Nothing.
So what happened
to your contacts?
It was so weird.
I couldn't see anything with them on.
Hey, guys, I'm supposed to tell you
that Mrs. Anderson couldn't join us.
She isn't feeling well.
Angeline, what are you doing here?
I'm so glad you're here, Angeline.
You're just in time.
I have a little announcement to make.
I'd like to introduce you
to the future Mrs. Devon.
Carol and I are engaged!
Congratulations, Uncle Dan.
Uncle Dan?! Wait.
Does this mean Angeline and I
are going to be related?
I think it makes you
second cousins.
Or third.
Ah, I'm really not sure how it works.
Angeline knew
about this the whole time
and was taking some sick delight in it.
Maybe Angeline's not all bad.
But do I still have
to be related to her?!
It was as though nobody on Earth
could fully grasp the tragedy
of me being related to Angeline...
except maybe Stinker.
- Oh, that is worse than my meatloaf!
- Stinker!
That is worse than my meatloaf!
Ahh! Oh oh oh!
Are you kidding?!
He had been saving one massive fart up
the whole time.
I can taste it!
What was that?!
I guess we forgot to ask Stinker
if he wanted guests over.
That was terrible.
Look at these people.
I guess it's good to know
that when you grow up
into a mature, polite adult,
you don't actually
become mature or polite,
or an adult.
I wanted to say thanks for covering
for me in the cafeteria.
I didn't read your diary, you know.
Oh, I know that.
I mean, thanks.
Thank you for helping me
with the Jump-A-Thon.
I wouldn't have raised
a single dollar without you.
And because of that,
it looks like we won't
lose the art program at all.
I'll have to mention that
to the newspaper
when they do their article
on you on Monday.
Oh, yeah.
The article.
Assistant Principal Devon,
meet the recipients
of the Juvenile Optometry Federation.
I know what you're thinking.
And no, we didn't hire these kids.
We found real students
that needed glasses
by talking to our school counselor.
We got so good at raising money,
we just raised a little more.
Isabella's mom even gave us
a big donation
from Isabella's allowance fund.
And now Juvenile Optometry
Federation is a real charity.
- It was my idea.
- And it was.
Look how charitably foxy we look.
That's me!
Maybe we all have inner beauty.
Is that possible?
Even the girls who fake charities,
and the underpants-strewing beagles,
and the meatloaf makers...
...even the pencil-eaters,
and the moms who cook things
that could possibly poison you.
And even the girls
with tons of outer beauty.
Maybe they do.
Maybe we all do.
And sometimes you think you need
colored contact lenses,
or tricked-out Jump-A-Thons,
or some boy's attention
to make you think you shine.
But like a wretched dog fart
in the middle of an engagement party,
beauty usually just comes bubbling up
when you least expect it.
Thanks for listening, dumb diary.
Angeline, I'm so glad you called.
I have something major to tell you.
I accidentally stole your school record.
I returned it, but I swear
I didn't read a single word.
That record could destroy me.
You would not believe what's in there.
Anyway, I just called to say
that even though
we're gonna be cousins,
Hudson is still my date to the wedding.
This is your life too!
Get up and dance.
# Hey, everybody,
may the dumb be with you #
# My your parents be haunted
and the fun continue #
# Is that your lip gloss that I smell? #
# May the watermelon flavor
serve you well #
# And I just want to say #
# Just want to say thanks
for listening #
# And I just want to say #
# Just want to say thanks
for listening #
# And at the risk of sounding slobbery,
my dumbness is all right with me #
# And I just want to say
thanks for listening #
# Hey, everybody,
may the dumb be with you #
# May you always outlive
the cafeteria menu #
# I've been told that life ain't fair #
# But I really really wish
I had perfect hair #
# And I just want to say #
# Just want to say
thanks for listening #
# And I just want to say #
# Just want to say #
# Thanks for listening #
# And at the risk of sounding slobbery,
my dumbness is all right with me #
# And I just want to say
thanks for listening #
# It's so completely random,
don't you see? #
# Now you've seen
the other side of me #
# Did you teach your dog
to fart your grandma's name? #
# Don't look at me,
I'm not the one to blame #
# Hey, everybody,
may the dumb be with you #
# Emergency exit at the rear
of the venue #
# Freaky little girl
with the French beret J'
# Do you know a thing or two
about Bastille Day? #
# And I just want to say #
# Just want to say thanks
for listening #
# And I just want to say #
# Just want to say thanks
for listening #
# And at the risk of sounding slobbery,
my dumbness is all right with me #
# And I just want to say
thanks for listening. #
# Hey! #
# Hey! #
# You didn't know
I was a rock star #
# Well, here you go,
now you know #
# So you wanna ride around
in your car #
# I should've know,
here you go #
# Falling in love with me #
# I will never be
what you want me to be #
# I'm the same girl #
# Same old me. #