Dear Santa (2024) Movie Script

["It's Beginning to Look
A Lot Like Christmas" playing]
[inflatable deflating][song distorts, slow]
[father]
I can't just manifest
a tree topper.
[mother] Okay. Okay.
You don't need to give every
example of what you can't do.
[father]
Why is this stuff so important?
[mother] Because!
It's been a hard year.
The move, a new school.
I mean, God, I just want it
to be special for Liam.
[father sighs]
I get it. I just don't know
where the tree topper is, okay?
I can't magically make a box
with a-a star appear.
And for the tenth time,
it's not a star,
it's an angel.
- Oh, an angel.
- Yes, it's an angel.
- Okay.
- And every year,
it sits
on top of the tree, okay?
And it looks down upon us
like it's a guardian angel.
Oh. [scoffs]
- A guardian angel.
- Yeah.
Well, maybe
we need a new one anyway.
The old one wasn't doing
that great of a job, was it?
Wow.
Okay, so it's just vanished.
It's completely gone.[sighs]
Missing in action.
For once in your life,
can you just let it go?
- Yeah.
- For once?
- Can you do that?
- Yes, I can
when you admit
that you screwed up, okay?
How about that?
Oh, I get it.
As long as I take the blame
for every little thing that ha--
Hey, guys.
Wow! It looks amazing in here.
Thank you, honey.
Thank you.
I was just looking for...
[sniffles]
...for the tree topper
that your father lost,
and I just got a little bit
- of tinsel in my eye.
- Unbelievable.
But I'm not crying,
because everything is great.
We're gonna have
a great Christmas.
[sniffles]
Tree toppers?
Come on, Mom.
Christmas isn't about
tree toppers and ornaments
and all that stupid stuff.
It's about togetherness
and music and...
Hey, guess what
I was doing upstairs.
What were you
doing upstairs?
Writing my letter to Santa.
- Really? You were?
- Mm-hmm.
Letter to Santa?
Aren't you getting
a little too old for that?
Oh, no, no.
What-What your dad means
is just that sometimes,
Santa is too busy responding
to letters
from all of the little kids
that then he doesn't always
have the time to respond to
the letters
from the big kids too.
No, that's not at all
what I meant.
Bill, just...
I've always written
letters to Santa.
How else will he know
what I want for Christmas?
Exactly, honey.
I think
it's absolutely wonderful.
Not all of us are a scrooge.
No, I--
I'm not a scrooge.
I just...
Look, I know how hard it is
being the new kid in town.
And as it is, school presents
challenges for you
because of your learning dis--
Differences.
Learning differences.
[Bill]
Right, learning differences.
Which is good,
but even more reason
not to write certain letters.
Because that way,
when you go to meet
other sixth-graders
and try to make friends,
you won't get, uh...
beaten up.
[sighs]
What are you saying?
I have a friend-- friends.
Really?
Well, I didn't know that.
Mom, I've been at that school
for, like, three months.
Why wouldn't I have friends?
Just because of
social distancing.
Come on, Mom.
That ended two years ago.
And I do have friends.
My friend Gibby's
about one of
the most popular kids in school.
We play football at recess
and everything.
[chuckles]
Play football?
Yeah.
That's what I just said.
Nice.
[mother] Gibby!
Ow.
Gibby! Gibby!
I'm so proud of you.
Why'd you tell them
we play football?
We don't even have
a football team.
We're 11.
I didn't say we were on a team.
I just said we played at recess.
What kind of football
do we play?
[blows raspberry]
Flag football, I guess.
Plus, they're not gonna
waterboard us about this.
You don't know that.
Parents can be weird.
They like to know stuff.
What position
should I say I play?
You're the kicker.
Am I like the guy
who kicks it real high
or the guy who tries to
get the ball
through the things?
The field goal kicker.
Okay, cool. You know the game,
so we won't get tripped up.
Oh, and one more thing.
I also told them
you have cancer.
What? Why?
My parents know
I don't make friends easily,
so to make it real,
I told them I was nice
to a kid with cancer
and he was nice to me back.
But we are friends.
Why'd you have to
make anything up?
[sighs]
Hindsight is twenty-twenty.
The point is,
if you meet my parents,
just make sure
you act a little cancer-y.
Will do.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
Hold your horses, hotshot.
What do you think you're doing?
Um, crossing the street?
I'll tell you
when you can cross the street.
But there are no cars.
[gasps] When did you finish
your two-hour
crossing guard
certification course?
I didn't.
Oh, that's right.
That was me.
So I'll tell you
when there are no cars.
Go. Go ahead.
Mr. "I'm In A Hurry At First."
Where'd he go? Bring him back.
- Good morning, ladies.
- Hello.
- Hi.
- Hello.
[bell ringing][sighs]
There she is.
["I Want To Be Your Man"
playing]
[chattering]
Legit question.
Why are you staring
at someone you cannot get?
What, Emma?
We have a ton in common.
Like?
We both like cats.
That's a ton?
We can build off that.
What's so great
about her anyway?
You only like her
'cause she's pretty.
What? No.
I like her
'cause whenever I look at her,
she smiles.
Big deal. Smiling's easy
when you have nice teeth.
And she's kind.
People that pretty
are usually mean.
Yeah, I guess.
She does have a lot of friends.
Pray for me.
No. Liam. Get-- Abort!
["I Want To Be Your Man"
continues playing]
[stammers]
I like the cat stickers
on your locker.
Thank you.
My cat licks her nipples.
Well, that's pretty random.
[chuckles]
Yeah, that was pretty random.
Um, by the way,
do you like Post Malone?
Love him.
Don't you remember
when Mr. Charles asked me
to name
my favorite piece of writing,
and I said "Congratulations"?
Yeah. Well, he's in town
doing a concert.
Maybe we could--
What's up, E?
Hey, Aiden.
- How are you?
- Good.
- [Aiden] Whoa.
- Uh...
What do you think you're doing?
Oh, nothing really.
I was actually just...
You trying to hit on my girl?
Aiden, stop that.
- Well, were you?
- No, no, no, no.
No. No. I was just trying to
tell her about my cat's nipples.
Your cat's nipple--
Bro, what are you talking about?
And other stuff.
Uh, tootles.
Uh...
I never say tootles,
just FYI.
That was my first time.
Okay.
Darn it!
How'd it go?
I might have to
change schools again.
My pupils,
focus your pupils on me
as I mold your malleable minds.
As I massage the clay
that is your cerebellum.
Today, my friends,
we discuss A Christmas Carol.
Perhaps the most overrated
of Charles Dickens's books.
And I must say, it certainly
missed my "great expectations."
[chuckles]
Now, when I read the book,
I felt like I was being visited
by the ghost of Christmas past.
Hard pass for me.
Liam.
I'd be curious why you find
the young lady's hair
more captivating
than my lecture.
No, I wasn't--
I wasn't staring
at Emma's shiny hair.
Oh?[students chuckle]
Then what part of her
were you staring at?
- Arm.
- Arm.
[students laugh]
But I was also listening to you.
Is that right?
So you're able to ogle her arm
and listen to me
at the same time?
Yeah, it's--
it's not that hard.
[students laugh]
Now, Liam,
if you're so hyperaware,
maybe you can tell me
what book I am discussing.
"Carol's Christmas"?
[students laugh]
Gotcha.
Now pay attention.
Demerit.
[student]
"Carol's Christmas."
Written by the great author,
Dickens Charles.
[students laugh]
Hey! You don't make fun of
dyslexia. Not cool.
Oh, and by the way,
Einstein had dyslexia too.
The bagel guy?
No. No, the other one.
[Liam] You see the way
Emma stood up for me?
Maybe she likes me too.
Liam, you're right
about Emma being awesome.
But she's not gonna be
interested in you unless
you pull it together, man.
Attempt to be cool.
[sighs] Maybe you're right.
All right, I gotta go.
I gotta mail a letter to Santa.
What?
Letter to Santa?
This is exactly
the kind of crap
I'm talking about.
What are you doing
writing letters to Santa?
[sighs]
Look, I know.
I know he's probably not real.
But let's just say
there's, like,
a 1% chance he is
and there's something
you really want.
What possible harm
could there be
to write a stupid letter?
Okay, I guess.
And the big reason
I write it
is for my mom.
What?
She wants stuff from Santa too?
No.
Nobody in this world
loves Christmas
more than my mom.
Or did, anyway.
I just think
me writing the letter
makes her happy.
I like it better
when she's happy.
Okay, okay, whatever.
Just keep that letter thing
under wraps.
If the kids at school
ever found out about this,
you'd be destroyed.
- Destroyed.
- You're not gonna
tell anyone, right?
Good God, no.
How do you think
it would make me look
that my bestie
still believes in Santa?
I'm your bestie?
Yeah.
Hey, Gibby...
Remember I told you
we moved out here
because I was supposed to be
in the witness protection
program?
Yeah?
Well, that wasn't true.
Some bad stuff--
bad stuff happened
back where we used to live.
There was an accident,
and that was right before--
Hey, hey. Have you ever had
the Impossible Burger lasagna?
- What?
- Have you ever had it?
I haven't,
but I hear it's really good.
Come on, Gibby.
I was about to
tell you something huge.
Yeah, that's why
I made small talk.
I'm really bad
with that serious crap.
Yeah, me too.
["Sleigh Ride" playing]
Thanks for letting me
come with you
to mail your letter.
It's more fun this way.
Hey, I see the town's putting on
a big Christmas carnival
this week.
Maybe you and I
can go to that.
Uh...
Yeah, Mom. Maybe.
A lot of kids from my class
are gonna be there and...
Oh.
Yeah. Yeah, of course.
Come on, baby.
Let's go. Come on.
To Santa.
Care of the North Pole.
[footsteps approach]
Huh.
Well, you don't see this
very often.
[mother] But why do you
always have to cut me off?[Bill scoffs]
Are you kidding me?
You're always cutting me off.
[mother] After everything
he's been through, I worry
about his mental well-being.
[Bill]
Can we not turn this into
a therapy session?
[mother]
Okay, if believing in Santa
makes him happy,
what right do you have
to say that he can't?
Oh, come on.
Don't make me the bad guy.
[sighs]
I wish there was a Santa.
Because then I'd have a pony.
'Cause that's what I asked for
every year when I was a kid.
[mother]
That's why you're mad?
You never got a pony.
[Bill] Knock it off.
You said
you were gonna talk to him.[mother] And I will.
[Bill] When?[mother] I don't know. Soon.
[cat meows]
[thunder rumbles in distance]
[whooshing]
[hangars rattle][footsteps thud]
[groans]
Blitzen, is that you?
Use the litter box.
[sniffs]
[groans] That's putrid.
Thank you.[Liam gasps]
Who was that? [exclaims]
[shouts]
Who are you? What do you want?
What do you mean what do I want?
It's me.
[Liam] Who?
Me. I got your letter.
What letter?
The letter you sent me.
I never sent you a letter.
What do you call this,
fudge nuts?
You had a list in there
asking for all sorts of
stupid crap.
So you mean you're S--
In the naughty flesh.
Hey, I really want to thank you
for writing me, Liam.
What an unexpected treat.
Unexpected?
Very. Guess how many letters
I get from kids a year.
I'm not a guesser.
Guess!
Seventy-one million?
Seventy-one million? Uh, no.
How many?
None. [laughs]
What?
Sure, I get a few manifestos
in the mail
from some wonderfully deranged
grown-ups, but--
What is going on here?
This is insane.
You don't exist.
Really? Do you usually write
letters to people
who don't exist?
You're just--
You're not what I expected.
What'd you expect?
Well, for one thing,
I thought you'd be
a little jollier.
Jollier?
Who the hell's jolly these days?
Fair point.
But your suit is different.
And your beard
doesn't look the same.
But I guess you are, um,
chunky enough.
[chuckles]
Wow, you went there.
What, you don't put on
a few extra pounds
over the holidays?
- I guess.
- Besides, who said I was chunky?
That's how they make you look
in the movies.
Yeah, figures.
If you're not a perfect size two
in Hollywood, they demonize you.
And in the movies,
the reindeer usually have
the antlers, not you.
Reindeer?
Kid, are you high?
Let me see that letter again.
Give it.
Oh, boy.
Um, you wouldn't happen to
have trouble spelling,
would you?
Yes.
Sometimes.
Ooh.
Wait, how do I know
you're actually Santa
and you're not
just messing with me?
Check this out.
Ho, ho, frickin' ho.
No way!
Yeah way.
Where's my milk and cookies?
Usually I only do the outfit
on Christmas Day.
Gotta keep a low profile.
And I'm back!
I don't believe this!
Right? Good stuff.
Okay,
enough of the party tricks.
Down to biz.
I'm here to offer you a deal.
A deal?
Isn't the deal I'm good,
I write you a letter,
you get me stuff?
The letter thing's
a total myth.
Fake news.
You, my friend,
are getting wishes.
Three wishes.
Three wishes?
What, you mean like a genie?
They stole that from me.
Wait,
so there really are genies?
Sorry, I can't discuss it.
It's under "litigaysh."
Okay, ready?
Wish time.
Are you telling me
I can wish for anything
in the whole wide world?
Yeah. I mean, within reason.
I can't undo the War of 1812.
What's the War of 1812?
It was a war. In 1812.
Look, the point is
I can't change history.
But anything you want
moving forward,
I can deliver.
So, come on, make a wish.
[exhales] Well, I mean,
there's a lot I could wish for
and I wasn't expecting this,
so I'm trying to think.
World peace, climate change.
Geez, childhood hunger is
a big problem right now.
Are you kidding me with this?
You don't have a wish ready?
I mean, you read my letter.
Shouldn't you already know
what I want?
Okay, you got me.
I didn't read the whole thing.
It was boring.
Besides, what's with
all this Goody Two-shoes stuff?
I can give you
anything you want.
How about a dirt bike?
A yacht.
I could get you a helicopter.
What about your personal life?
A girl? [snorts]
Is there a girl you like?
Yeah. Emma.
I do kind of wish
she'd give me a chance.
Boom! Done!
She's gonna give you a chance.
That's one wish, two to go.
- See you tomorrow.
- Wait!
That's it?
That's it.
How do I know my wish
is actually gonna come true?
Really?
The whirling around
and costume change
didn't convince you?
How about this?
[shouts]
I've already seen that one.
Okay. Have you seen this?
[meows]
[growls]
Booyah!
Huh?
Santa's the shit!
Sold.
Yeah. [laughs]
Catch you on the flip-flop.
Mom, wake up.
Mom. Wake up.
Hey. Is everything okay?
Yeah, yeah.
Everything's great.
I have amazing news, Mom.
Santa came to my room.
What?
Santa. He got my letter,
and he came to my room.
You were dreaming.
Just go back to bed, honey.
No, Mom. I'm wide awake.
Here's the letter I sent him.
He gave it back to me.
And he made Blitzen speak.
In English.
Go back to sleep, honey.
What, do you not believe me?
How would I have
the letter back?
I don't know. I mean,
maybe you just forgot to
put it in the mailbox.
No, I didn't--
Where's Dad?
Oh, he--
he's sleeping on the couch.
Why?
Uh, just because, you know,
his back has been
hurting him lately.
Should we wake him up
and tell him the good news?
No, no. Your father
has work tomorrow,
so we should just let him rest.
Isn't it great though?
Santa Claus is real!
Good night, Mom. Love you.
Love you too.
Huh.
What the hell did you expect?
You said you'd talk to him,
and then you keep
putting it off.
It's not an easy thing
to just say to a kid.
Actually, he's not a kid.
And look what happened now.
He's having dreams
he thinks are real.
Oh. Really gonna
lay that one on me too?
What do you mean "too"?
[Liam] Santa Claus
Is coming to townYou know what I mean.
Santa Claus
Is coming to town
Santa Claus
Is coming to town
Morning, honey.
I got your lunch
and a snack in here, okay?
Thanks.
Hey, Dad. Did Mom tell you
what happened last night?
She, uh, mentioned it.
Isn't it incredible?
Santa Claus,
right here in our house.
He is a little different
than you think though.
[Bill stammers] Yeah.
Must've been some dream,
huh, kiddo?
What? It wasn't a dream.
I mean, it was as real
as real can be.
All right. See you guys later.
- Have a good day.
- Go get 'em.
[Liam] Deck the halls
With boughs of holly[exhales]
[door closes]
Yeah, okay, we got a problem.
They're gonna stuff him
in a locker.
Stop.
[animals chittering]
Hey, buddy.
Everybody,
please check to make sure
that your animal
has plenty of food and water
and is showing
no signs of distress.
Hey, little buddy.
You doing okay?
["Whatta Man" playing]
Psst. Yo, Seor Scaredy-cat.
Down here. It's me, Santa.
What are you waiting for?
Go make a move!
H-How did you get so small?
[snorts]
What do you mean "how"?
I can do stuff, remember?
Now get over there
and talk to Emma.
But I can't.
I don't know what to do.
Are you kidding me right now?
Hey!
Mind your manners.
It's off-limits, buster.
Kid, you wished for her
to give you a chance.
This is it.
You just have to go talk to her.
Take it to the next level.
But what do I say?
Ask her on a date.
No. Kids don't do that anymore.
[teacher] Liam?
Everything okay?
Yeah,
everything's, uh, great.
[Satan]
Get over there, you chicken!
But... I'll talk to her later.
Maybe in the hallway.
If you don't get over there
right now,
I'm gonna sic this hamster
on you.
Yeah, I'm gonna have him
jump out of this cage
and maul you
with his tiny teeth and claws
until your own mother
doesn't recognize you.
You'll never live it down.
You'll be the kid
who barely survived
a hamster attack.
Is that what you want?
I'm not afraid of
a cute, little hamster.
[growls]
[shouts] I'm going.
[Satan chuckles]
Hey, Emma.
L-Liam. Hi. Hey. How are you?
Stupid question.
You're probably great.
Just ignore that.
No, I'm fine.
[chuckles]
Anyway, uh,
I came over here to ask
if you wanted to
hang out sometime. Soon.
Me with you?
Yes. Definitely.
Where? When?
Uh, maybe we could go to
that Post Malone concert?
Or-- Or-- Or not. Uh...
What are you doing?
I don't know. I panicked.
It scared me to be that brave.
Go with it, buddy.
You wanna go to
the Posty concert,
you got it.
Now sell it!
- Really?
- Yes!
[exhales]
- Hi again.
- Hi.
Liam, I don't know
if you were being serious.
Like, were you kidding?
If you don't wanna take me,
I get it. That's okay.
No, no, I was being serious.
I just didn't know
if your boyfriend would--
That won't be a problem.
I broke up with Aiden anyways.
Sometimes he wasn't that nice.
Okay. Uh...
Uh, I'll text you the details.
Great. [chuckles]
Tootles!
I never say "tootles" either,
just-- just FYI.
That was my first time.
[exhales]
Sue me, I'm thirsty.
[bell rings]
You're going to see
Post Malone with Emma?
Yeah, and that's not even
the craziest part.
You won't believe
what happened last night.
I'm pretty sure you going to
Post Malone with Emma
is the craziest part.
You'd think so,
but Santa came to my room
last night!
Santa came to your room?
I swear.
But he didn't look like Santa.
He had antlers.
But then he looked like Santa,
but he explained
he didn't walk around like that,
except on Christmas.
That had to be your imagination.
If it was my imagination,
then how do you explain him
being in the cage
with my hamster
during science class?
Santa Claus was in the cage
- with your hamster?
- Uh-huh.
You must've been having
some weird dreams last night.
But the hamster thing
happened today.
[Gibby] Whatever.
Night dreams, daydreams,
they can seem real.
Look! There he is.
Where?
On the bench.
[Gibby]
Where on the bench?
[Liam]
The only guy on the bench.
That's Santa?
Yeah. Yeah, he's the one
who brought me my letter back.
Wanna meet him?
Uh, that's gonna be a hard pass.
Liam.
Look who you addressed that to.
Santa? So?
Look at it again.
Take your time.
[Liam gasps]
Satan. Oh, my God.
Well, at least it somehow
still got to Santa.
Did it?
Are you saying... No.
That can't be the devil.
There is no devil.
There's no devil,
but there's a Santa Claus?
Come on, man. Pick a lane.
See you later, alligator.
What the--
[Satan] Hey, Liam!
There you are. Come over here.
[whistles]
Come on.
What are you waiting for?
We're burning daylight.
Get over here!
What's with
the tiny, slow steps?
Let's pick up the pace. Come on.
What's your deal, kid?
First, you send me a letter,
and then I make
your dreams come true,
and then you avoid me like
I'm the frickin' Easter Bunny?
Sorry, I didn't see you
over there on the bench
where you were sitting.
Um, can I ask you
a question?
Does Pinocchio poop pinecones?
My God! You are Satan.
No, I'm not.
Come on, turd breath,
we've already been through this.
I'm your friend, Santy Claus.
Turd breath? [sniffs]
Does my breath stink?
No, I was just saying that
to make you feel bad.
[chuckles] Okay, okay.
I'm Satan. You got me.
Now quit being a baby.
You lucked out big time,
dumbass.
I'm way better than Santa.
- How?
- Come on, think about it.
What do you want
under the Christmas tree?
A pair of itchy socks
that Grandma knitted you?
Or anything in the world
your little selfish heart
desires?
- Oh, look, it's a dove.
- Is it?
Oh, God. Oh, God.
I can't move.
If you touch me,
I'll scream.
Why would I touch you?
I'm the devil,
not a trusted relative.
[laughs] Sorry.
That was low-hanging fruit.
By the way, we got a lot of
those creepy uncle types
down where I'm from.
[grunts]
All right?
Come on.
Now, just relax, kid.
You and I
are gonna do a lot better
if we work together.
I'm not comfortable with this.
I don't wanna be seen talking to
some weird guy with horns.
Okay, is it the horns
that bother you?
Watch this.
All gone.
Sir, since I was clearly writing
to Santa and not to you,
maybe we can just forget
about all this
and you can go on your way.
Not that easy, buddy boy.
You already made
your first wish,
and that means
we have a deal in progress.
There's no getting out of
this thing until
all three wishes are used up.
By the way, check your phone.
Oh, my God!
That's it? OMG?
Where's my thank-you?
You can't get better tickets
than that.
That's where Mama Posty sits.
But I didn't ask for tickets.
I wished for Emma to like me.
Nope. Technically,
you wished for her to
give you a chance.
- What's the difference?
- Big difference.
She's gonna give you a chance.
That's all.
You can still screw it up.
But to give your chance
a chance, I threw in
those tickets as a freebie,
'cause let's face it,
your game's a little weak.
Sir,
I'm going to politely decline.
You can have those tickets back.
Scalp 'em if you want.
I wanna call off our deal
entirely.
I told you, you can't.
You summoned me.
No, I summoned Santa.
Nope.
Pretty sure you wrote "Satan."
S-A-T-A-N.
It was a mistake.
There are no mistakes.
Everything happens for a reason.
Just ask your God.
This didn't happen for a reason.
It was a total typo.
I have learning differences.
[mock crying]
Everyone's a victim these days.
OCD, ADD, L-M-N-O-P.
Blah, blah, blah.
When I was a kid,
they'd slap you
in the back of the head
and tell you to suck it up.
You were a kid?
I don't wanna talk about it.
Liam, you're looking
at this thing all wrong.
The way I see it,
there's some good news
and some other news.
The good news is
you've got two more wishes.
That's pretty amazing.
And the other news?
Huh?
You said
- there was other news.
- Oh, right.
After you make two more wishes,
I'm taking your soul.
What? Are you insane?
I prefer "sanity adjacent."
Well, what if I don't make
the other two wishes?
- You will.
- What if I don't?
- Uh, trust me, you will.
- And if I don't?
[sighs]
If you do not make three wishes,
technically,
I cannot take your soul.
But you will.
Here.
See that cloud over there?
Let me show you
a few of the things
I could do for you.
["Real Wild Child" playing]
[laughs]
Yeah!
[cheering]
[person] Oh, yeah!
He's going over the top!
[cheering]
[blows]
Come on.
Pedal to the metal. Come on!
[engine revs][exclaims]
All right. Let's go, kid.
[cheering]
[whooping, laughing]
You see that, kid?
You ain't never had
a friend like me.
Okay, that I may have stolen
from Aladdin.
Now we're even. [chuckles]
Liam, you got the world
by the oysters.
I don't really like oysters.
I think I'm going to
politely pass on your offer.
What's the matter with you?
I don't know.
I mean,
these are all nice ideas.
I just...
I kinda don't wanna
give up my soul.
On your left![brakes squeal]
Son of a... gun.
Liam, do you know this man?
Yeah, I'm his uncle. Beat it.
Uh...
Is this true, Liam?
Yes. Yes, it is.
Huh. Well, then.
Maybe you can suggest to
your nephew to stop being
so inattentive in class.
It's causing disruptions.
How's that again?
I wasn't really paying attention
to anything you just said.
I was saying young Liam here
has a bad habit of being in--
[chuckles]
Very funny, wise guy.
Can you really blame him though?
You're pretty damn boring,
you know.
Excuse me.
Who do you think you are,
talking to me like that?
Here we go.
Dressed like you're in
some apocalyptic biker gang,
with your dead carcass.
Now, I will not tolerate
obscene language directed at me.
Ooh.[stomach burbles]
Oh, my.
Dear me.
That doesn't sound right.
I hope you're not getting
that stomach bug
that's been going around.
Sir, I am the picture of health.
[stomach burbles]
Ooh.
[farts]
Oh!
[chuckles]
Pardon me. Kombucha.
I hope it's not IBS.
Sometimes that can be unruly.
[farts, gasping]
Gentlemen, excuse me.
It seems nature is calling,
and I intend to answer.
[farting]
Ooh.
Oh, my. I've never heard
such a spirited bout
of flatulence.
[farting continues]
Watch this.
Lock.
[door locks]
No! No! Please! Let me in![farts]
I need a toilette.
My kingdom for a toilette.
Did you know every time
a grown man sharts himself,
a demon earns its horns?
It's true.
[farts, bubbles]
Oh! No! Tummy tum.
[pants]
Never trust a fart.
You just gambled and lost.
[stomach growls,
chuckles, exclaims]
I apologize.
But it appears... [farts]
Oh, no.
Something's come out-- come up--
and I have to run.
So now, I will just m...[liquid drips]
[exclaims]
[birds squawking]
I will just mount
my trusty steed.
[farting, exclaims]
Gentlemen... tallyho!
[farting continues]
Nice to meet ya!
The pleasure was mine!
[Satan laughs]
Let's look at the bright side.
The first two wishes
are freebies, right?
He only gets your soul
after the third?
Yeah, but--
And you can tap out
at any time before then. Right?
Well, yeah, technically. But I--Well, then what's the problem?
Look, I'm worried Satan
is going to trick me
into making more wishes.
He's pretty clever.
He pretty much tricked me
into the first one.
Yeah,
that's classic Satan stuff.
But I think you'll be fine.
Like, you're strong.
You're not gonna make
any more wishes
if you don't want to.
That's what I thought.
But Satan said
I definitely would.
Don't worry about
what Satan said.
You're the nicest kid I know.
Thanks, Gibby.
[groans] All right.
I gotta go convince my parents
into letting me go to
this concert.
That's gonna be a tough one.
[sighs]
Yeah. Wish me luck.
Hey, Mom and Dad.
I wanted to ask if I could--
Hi, honey.
- Hi.
- Hello, Liam.
I'm Dr. Finkleman.
Hello.
Dr. Finkleman is
a child psychologist, Liam.
Hmm.
I hear
that's an interesting field.
Hmm.
I'm gonna go watch
Salt Lake Housewives.
Uh, Liam.
Hmm?
Dr. Finkleman
is here to see you.
Oh, God.
[Finkleman]
So, I wanna make sure
I have this straight.
Uh, first, you thought
Santa came into your bedroom.
But now you think
it wasn't Santa,
it was Satan.
- Yeah, that's right.
- No.
He must be confused.
He means Saint Nick, not Satan.
No, no, that's what I thought.
But then I realized
it was Satan.
Oh, no.
No, no, no, no, no.
No. Think he's just confused.
Well, um,
let's say he is confused.
Liam, you confused
Santa and Satan. How?
Well, they both have
surprisingly similar styles.
I mean, you know, beards,
a generous build,
and their clothing is reddish
with black boots.
[phone buzzes]
[whispers]
- Where is this coming from?
- I don't know.
[mother]
Did you know? What is this?
[Bill] It's fully thought out.[mother]
Where is this coming from?
[Bill] It's fully realized.[mother] Yeah, it is.
["Congratulations" playing
on phone]
Hey, it's not
phone time right now.
Come on, honey. Put it away.
Do you have any idea why Satan
would come visit you
in your room?
Well, because I wrote him
a letter.
And again,
why were you writing to Satan?
No, I wasn't.
I meant to write it to Santa,
but I mixed up the letters
and it went to Satan.
Didn't you jot that one down?
- Hey. Liam. Calm down.
- I'm sorry.
It's been a tough year,
with the tragedy and all.
I know it might sound crazy,
but the devil came to
my bedroom.
With God as my witness.
So, is God witnessing you now
as well, Liam?
No. That was an expression.
Mom, I really need to
talk to you about--Not right now, Liam.
We need to finish talking
with Dr. Finkleman, okay?
And make sure you tell him
the truth.
I am telling him the truth!
I already told you that.
[coughing][mother] He's here to help us.
[strained]
No, it's okay.
I got something stuck.
Dr. Finkleman,
can I get you a water?
I'm gonna get it.
[stifled cough]
[neck cracks]
Oh, my God. Are you okay?[coughs]
[chair piece clatters]
[coughs] Sorry.
[coughing continues]
[swallows, exhales]
Okay, then if that's the truth,
thank you for being honest
with us.
[Liam]
So, do you believe me?
Of course we believe you.
[phone buzzes]
[whispers] He's nuts.
Oh, God.[sighs]
[doorbell rings]
Liam.
Hi there.
Can I help you?
I'm Gibby, Liam's friend.
The football player with cancer.
Gibby!
It is so nice to
- finally meet you.
- Oh.
Nice to meet you too,
Mrs. Turner.
Um, how--
how is everything going?
Are you feeling okay?
You know, some good days,
some bad days. Mostly bad.
Oh, well, come on in the house.
Let me get you something
to drink.
Oh, no, thank you,
Mrs. Turner.
I don't have time.
I'm just here to pick up Liam
because he promised me to
go to my chemo session with me
tonight.
- Yeah.
- Oh.
Mom, I was trying
to tell you about that.
Um...
But I can go, right?
I mean, Gibby needs me.
Oh, well,
I'm not sure if you--
- Bill?
- I mean-- I--
Of course. Yes. Go, Liam.
Go... Go support your friend.
- Do you guys need a ride?
- No need.
[parents gasp]
I'm on the job.
Howdy there, folks.
I'm Gibby's dad,
Gibby the first,
Gibby Senior.
Great to meet.
I'll be taking
these two eager beavers
over to the clinic,
and then, if it's okay with you,
I'd like to take them out
for a little boba.
How about that, guys?
How's that sound? Little boba?
Bo-boba-bo-bo-bo-bo-bo-boba
Bo-boba-bo-bo-bo-bo-bo-boba
[chuckles] We love boba.
We can't get enough of that b--
those bobas.
[stammers] You're Gibby's dad?
Yes, ma'am. Unfortunately,
he gets his good looks
from his mom,
if you know what I mean.
[laughs, bleats]
Anyway, we really appreciate
Liam being such a big support
to Gibby.
Time with good friends
is so important.
Especially when
you don't know...
[whispers]
...how much time you got left.
- Yeah.
- But, uh...
[snorts]
...great kid.
You did something right.
Come on, guys. Let's go.
- Yeah!
- Okay, uh, bye.
See you later.
Okay. Have fun at chemo.
[Liam]
Did you just lie
about chemotherapy?
Do you know how wrong that is?
I do,
and I'm not proud of it.
I guess the devil made me do it.
What the hell is going on?
[car door opens]
It wasn't my idea.
He came to my house and told me
that you wanted me
to go to the concert too.[horn honking]
Come on, you chupacabras!
Hurry up. We're gonna be
late for the concert.
[chattering, cheering]
[Gibby] This is so cool.
I've never been
backstage before.
Now, listen up,
mouse knuckle.
If you want this girl to
find you interesting enough to
fall for you,
you're gonna have to...
[snorts] ...you know.
What? Be myself?
No! Do not do that.
You're gonna have to trick her.
Trick her?
I don't wanna trick her.
I just wanna make sure
she gets to see the real me.
[laughs]
And what's the real you, Liam?
A good and kind
and, I think,
a sensitive person.
Hold up.
Can I give you
some free advice?
You wanna get ahead
in the world,
you gotta think about
yourself first.
Numero uno.
It's a time-tested formula.
Just look at your politicians.
Okay.
You know how when
you're on a plane,
they say, "Put on
your oxygen mask first
before helping others"?
- Yeah?
- Like that.
Except maybe you don't even
have to help anyone else
with their mask, right?
Who wants to share oxygen
when a plane's going down, anyway?
[laughs] Up top.
We need to work on that.
You two pieces of
belly button lint wait here.
I'll be right back.
What's up?
[whooshes]
Whoa!
It's Post Malone!
Shut up.
Liam!
Dude!
What is up, man?
How are you, man?
You know Liam?
Hell yeah, I know Liam.
Liam is my inspiration.
Liam is--
is my motivation, dude.
You're what drives me, man.
Thank you so much
for what you do.
Hey, hey, hey. What's up?
I see you've already caught up
with Posty.
What's up, bro?
- Great to see you.
- What's up, dude? Yes, sir.
Look, I have to go,
but I wanted you to know.
I am going to
kick this show's ass,
and I wanna dedicate it
to you tonight, man.
I gotta go, dude,
but I love you so much, man.
You're a living legend.
You're an absolute stud.
You're the biggest beast
on planet Earth, Liam.
You're the biggest rock star
in the universe.
I love you so much,
and I'll see you
after the show, man.
- Let's go!
- What's going on here?
[sighs] Once again,
and hopefully for the last time,
I can do cool shit.
But how'd you get him to
know who I am?
I put him under
a simple, little spell.
Don't worry,
- it's only temporary.
- But--
Don't ask how
the sausage gets made, okay?
Here you go, Gibby.
You're in the nosebleeds.
Nosebleeds?
But I wanna sit with Liam.
Look, even Satan can't
outtrick Ticketmaster.
I'm not a bot.
[phone buzzes]
It's Emma.
She's at the seats.
I gotta go.
Get going, Liam.["Congratulations" playing
in distance, crowd cheers]
Gibby, the nosebleeds
are that way and to the left.
See you later.
Let's go!
Yeah!
Posty time. You excited?
I am too. Let's do this.
[cheering]
My mama called
Seen you on TV, son
Said shit done changed
Ever since we was on
I dreamed it all
Ever since I was young
They said
I wouldn't be nothing
Now they always say [audience] Congratulations
Worked so hard
Forgot how to vacation
They ain't never had
The dedication
People hatin', say we changed
And look, we made it
Yeah, we made it
Hey! Hey! Hey! Hey![audience cheering]
Whoo!
[whooping, cheering]
Thank you so very much,
ladies and gentlemen.
Thank you so very much.
I had the most amazing night,
and I appreciate y'all's love
so very much.
But, uh,
I wanted to take a moment
and I wanted to bring up, uh,
probably the most important man
to my career,
and, uh,
the inspiration for my music,
and the absolute
biggest living legend,
um, of all time.
Would you please
come up here, man?
Liam Turner.
[audience cheering]
What?
Oh!
Yeah! Liam! Liam!
[audience chanting]
Liam! Liam! Liam!
That's so cool! How come
you never said anything?
[chanting continues]
[cheering]
Yeah!
I don't know what to do.
I can't sing,
rap, dance, anything!
Have we built no trust here?
But what if I look stupid?
You've been looking stupid
your whole life, kid.
This is your chance
to show 'em you're not.
Let's go.
[chuckles] Yeah.
You got this.
Yeah!
[audience cheers]
You rock, Liam!
You got anything
you wanna say, Liam?
This song is dedicated to Emma.
[audience cheering]
["I Like You" playing]
Oh, my God.
Is that Liam?
Wait, that is Liam!
Get a video.
- Get a video.
- Oh, my God!
Oh, my God.
- Liam! Liam!
- Liam!
Ooh, girl, I like you
I do
I wanna be your friend
Go shoppin' in a Benz
I like you, I do [audience cheering]
I'll hit you when I land
Can you fit me in your plans?
I like you, I do
We went over to France
And we woke up in Japan
I like you, I do
Mmm, yeah
Oh, girl,
I know you only like it fancy
So I pull up
In that Maybach Candy
Yeah, your boyfriend
Will never understand me
'Cause I'm about to
Pull this girl like a hammy
[laughs]
Let's take a lil dip
Lil lady...
Come on!
Hit PCH, 180
Girl,
I've been thinkin' lately...
Come up.
[Post] Emma![audience cheers]
That looks like fun.
I gotta get in there.
But I need a good girl
I need someone to ground me
So please be true
Don't... around with me
I need someone to
Share this heart with me
Feel you up
Then run it back again
But, girl, I like you
I do
I wanna be your friend
Go shoppin' in a Benz
I like you, I do...
[audience chanting]
Go, Emma! Go, Emma! Go, Emma!
...I like you, I do...
[audience chanting]
Go, Liam! Go, Liam!
I like you, I do
- [Post] Hey, hey!
- We love you, Liam!
Hey, that's my bestie.
Wanna go backstage with me
and meet him after?
Are you kidding? Yes!
But I can't.
I kinda have a boyfriend.
It wasn't a date.
It was more of a meet and greet.
[audience chanting]
Go, Post! Go, Post!
Go, Post! Go, Post!
[Satan laughs] Yes!
I could go all night.
I love this.
[Post] Let's go![Satan] Let's go!
[line ringing]
[Gibby] Hey. Where'd you go tonight?
You have early onset dementia?
I was at the concert.
No, I mean after the show.
I looked all over for you
when I got offstage.
We were doing some fun stuff.
I left early.
Ubered home.
I was bored.
What?
I danced with Post Malone
then made out with Emma,
and that bored you?
You didn't make out with her.
It was just one kiss.
And I don't think
she even touched your lip.
She did touch my lip. Looked like cheek to me.
[Liam] It was way more
lip than cheek. Way more.
Wait, I thought you said
you left early.
[Gibby] Yeah,
right after the cheek kiss.
[Liam] Lip kiss!
She got the corner, I swear.
[Gibby] Oh, you swear?
To God or to the devil?
[Liam] Come on, Gibby.
Just because Satan's come
into my life,
doesn't mean I worship him now.
[Gibby] Oh, you sure?
What's wrong?
I think you better come
hear this.
Okay.
[floorboard creaks]
[Liam]
I never thought I'd say this,
but meeting Satan might be
the best thing
that ever happened to me.
[whispering] Satan?[Gibby]
So you're not worried about him
tricking you into more wishes? When did he meet Satan?
- I don't know. Shh.
- What does that even mean?
[Liam] Nope. I'm one and done.
No more wishes necessary.
And by the way, tomorrow's
the big Christmas carnival.
It's gonna be
the best night ever.
The night where
it all goes down.
- What's going down?
- What?
- What's gonna go down?
- I don't know.
[door thuds][chattering]
Hold on.
I think someone's at the door.
Must've been Blitzen.
Where were we?
You were saying tomorrow night,
it all goes down.
What goes down?
I'm gonna kiss Emma for real.
On the lips.
Then there will be no question,
buddy boy.
Yeah, that's great.
Gib. I finally got
the girl of my dreams.
Why aren't you happy for me?
I'm happy for you.
Come on, Gibby.
What's wrong?
This is what's wrong. This.
[sighs]
Look, you get to be the star,
and I can't even get a girl to
talk to me.
[sighs] You know what, man?
I'm just gonna hang up.
I'll see you.[call ends]
Oh, wait, Gib!
[sighs]
[bird chitters,
wings flapping]
[thuds][Satan grunts, exclaims]
[squawks]
[Satan]
Oh, it's freezing.
It's colder than a witch's tit.
Why can't you leave
the damn window open?
It gets chilly out here.
Come on. Open the window!
[squawks]
I'm used to heat, man.
[squawking]
[snorts, groans]
Did you have to
turn into a vulture?
What, too on the nose?
I was wondering about that.
I should've gone for a bat.
[gasps]
How much fun was that tonight?
[chuckles]
It was very fun.
[sighs] I'd almost forgotten
how much fun it was to dance
like that.
Just dance like
no one was watching you.
Except the whole auditorium was,
and that made it even better.
[inhales] Booyah!
Hey.
Did your gal Emma
have a nice time?
Yes.
A very good time.
I wanna thank you for that.
Ew! Look, kid,
do not be polite with me, okay?
I'm not a fan of that crap.
It's like nails on a chalkboard.
Oh. I apologize for that, sir.
Ugh! There you go again!
You know,
you're starting to annoy me.
I come all the way up here
to offer you any three wishes
you want,
and what does
Mr. Goody Goody say?
"Nah, I'll just take one."
You're making me look bad.
Actually, I wanted to ask you
a question about your offer.
Do go on.
So, you said
you'd only own my soul
if I made three wishes.
- Is that true?
- I swear to God.
So, that m--
You swear to God?
It's a figure of speech.
I also say "go to hell"
when I'm pissed,
even though that'd be like
other people saying,
"Let's go to Bermuda."
Okay, good.
I'd like to make my second wish.
[laughs]
Finally! Here we go.
I was getting worried about you.
So...
what'll it be?
Hi, Liam.
Uh, hi? I guess.
Good morning, buddy boy.
Somebody's
in a good mood today.
Why wouldn't I be?
It's a super-duper day to
be alive.
Dude, you look awesome!
What happened?
I woke up this morning,
and my teeth were just fixed.
My mom always told me
I'd grow into them,
and I guess she was right.
My parents are happy.
They were about to take me
to go get braces.
Perfect timing.
What? Why?
Me and Emma are going
to the carnival tonight.
Maybe you wanna double-date?
You don't think
she'd feel like a third wheel?
No, I mean "double date"
as in you bring a girl.
I guess I could ask
my cousin Arielle,
but she's kinda picky.
No, not someone
you're related to.
A real girl.
I mean, you are a stud.
S-U-T-D. A stud.
Actually, maybe you're right.
Me being this handsome
might magically attract girls,
so, you know,
why bring sand to the beach?
Tonight,
I could be a free agent.
Now you're talkin'.
See you.
["Christmas in Hollis" playing]
Hey, Gibby.
[gasps]
This is dope.
Very.
[laughing, chattering]
Hey, look. That's Liam.
That is him. Isn't it?
This is sick, buddy.
Somehow or another,
we became the cool kids.
Who would've thunk it?
[chuckles]
Hey, where's Emma?
Uh, she should be here
any minute.
Do you really think
this is necessary?
Molly, I don't know about you,
but-- but I-I-I'm terrified.
He's been talking nonstop
about Satan.[sighs]
But are we sure
that we heard him say "Satan"
and not "Jason" or "Layton" or--
- Who's Jason or Layton?
- I have no idea.
I'm reaching.
Listen, we both definitely
heard him say
that tonight is the night
it all goes down.
We gotta do somethin'.
Hey, guys.
Sorry I'm late.
Gibby, you look so good.
Everyone's talking about it.
Thanks, Emma. [chuckles]
I can't believe how much fun
that was last night, Liam.
Yeah, that was pretty fun.
You're so humble.
You never let on at all
about any of your talents.
I'ma get a corn dog.
Uh, do you guys want one?
Sure.
- Yeah.
- All right.
Be right back.
[sighs]
Are you ready?
Yeah.
Go get him.
Me?
Yeah. You're--
He listens to you.
[sighs]
- I'm the driver.
- Fine, fine.
You got it.
[vendor] Come and get them.
Nitrates, sodium,
artificial flavors.
Really bad for you.
Oh, hey there, kid.
What are you doing here?
I'm just staying close by,
you know,
in case I'm needed for, uh,
say, a third and final wish.
Yeah, well, you won't be.
And I wanna thank you
for your service.
You wanna thank me
for my service?
I'm done.
I really don't need
anything else.
Mm-hmm.
Can I ask you something?
Why aren't you taking credit
for what you did for your buddy?
What? Why should I?
I mean, literally
the only reason to
do stuff for other people
is to get the credit.
So then they owe you something.
What about doing
something nice for a person
because you care about them?
Like out of kindness.
I don't even know
what you just said.
I mean, I know all the words,
but I just never heard them
in that order.
Like a selfless act.
Still not following.
Forget it.
Hey, Mrs. Turner.
Is everything all right?
I'm Gibby, Liam's friend.
The football player with cancer.
Yeah, no, I know.
Gibby, hi.
God,
you just look so healthy.
The, uh, treatment
seems to really be working.
Yes, it's, uh,
doing the trick.
Have, um-- Have you seen Liam?
I-- I just need to talk to him
for a second.
Yeah, he's over there
at the corn dog stand.
Corn dog. Okay.
Thank you.
Bye now.
It was a pleasure
doing business with you,
but I made my two wishes
and I wanna enjoy them.
So no offense, but bye.
Oh! Oh. And can I get
three corn dogs?
Not a wish. I'm paying cash.
Coming right up!
Three corn dogs,
extra goat lips.
On the house.
Extra spicy.
Enjoy.
And don't chew
with your mouth open.
It's gross.
Mom,
what are you doing here?
Liam, I've been looking for you.
I just need you to come with me, please.
- Right now?
- Yeah, right now.
But I'm with my friends.
Liam, honey,
this will only take a moment.
Everything's okay.
Just come with me.
What are you doing?
Why are you pulling me so hard?
- Come on. Hey, come on.
- Emma and Gibby.
Let's go, let's go.
It's okay.
- I just-- I missed you.
- No-- Wait.
- I needed to see you quick.
- What's Daddy doing here?
- Honey, how was the carnival?
- We loved the carnival.
I got him! I got him!
- All right.
- Liam. Give me the corn dogs!
Come on. I see it.[Liam] Wait! Help!
- I see it. I got it.
- Be careful!
Don't hurt him.
- I did it already.
- Liam, lean back.
Let's go.
Why are you doing this?[Molly]
Because we love you.
This is a horrible way to
show it.
I'm on a date.
[Molly]
Of course you are.
[exhales]
[clears throat]
Everything's gonna
be all right, Liam.
We're gonna do a few tests
and keep you overnight.
Now I'm gonna go talk to
your parents
about a course of treatment.
Be right back.
Course of treatment?
Take me to
Christmas carnival, please.
What the hell
did they do to you, McMurphy?
Who's McMurphy?
[exclaims] Cuckoo's Nest.
It saddens me
that you don't know that.
Now, listen up, comrade.
I can get you out of here
in two seconds.
- Really?
- Of course.
You've still got
your third wish, remember?
Yeah, well,
I'm not giving you my soul.
No deal.
Okay, your call.
Just looks like your friends
are having so much fun
at the Winter
Christmas Carnival.
[Emma] Liam never even
said goodbye, though.
I hope he's okay.
Ah, I'm sure he's fine.
I'm not fine.
[Emma]
How are you doing, Gibby?
Don't worry.
I won't tell anyone.
I know how freaked out
people can get when they
find out someone has... cancer.
[Gibby] Yeah. Oh, you've gotta be joking me.
[Gibby] They look at you
like you're a patient,
not a person.
You don't even have cancer!
Well, I think
you're really brave.
Soldiers are brave.
I'm just courageous.
[Satan chuckles]
This kid is good.
You gotta hand it to him.
He's got the moves.
He does not have
the moves at all.
I don't know, Liam.
Looks like
they're really hitting it off.
Gibby, do you mind me asking
what kind of cancer you have?
The super-duper bad kind.
[groans]
You got to admit, Liam,
they make a cute couple.
No, they do not!
Stop it.
I know what you're trying to do.
I'm not making my third wish.
Now get out of here.
Okay, your call.
I'll just head back to my room.
You have a room over here?
I'm staying at
the Red Rum Motor Lodge.
You can probably guess
my room number.
[laughing]
It's 666, just in case
you didn't know.
[sighs]
It's gonna be okay.
Whatever this is, we'll--
we'll get through it together.
[Finkleman sighs]
Uh, I have bad news.
He does not have a brain tumor.
[sighs]
Damn it!
Well, what is it then?
Why is he acting this way?
Why are you acting this way?
This is good news.
Talking about Lucifer
and-and Post Malone.
That's good news?
Be honest, Doc.
Is there any hope?
Usually, I--
I'm a "optimistic person,"
but in this particular case,
I've gotta tell you,
the delusions seem to
be more acute--Dr. Finkleman.
Do you know who that is
- in there?
- In where?
In the imaging room.
That's the kid that
blew Post Malone
off the stage last night.
- What?
- No, no, no.
Don't-- Don't listen to him.
He-- He's--
He's a little delirious
right now.
Mmm. No. I was there.
- Where?
- At the show.
The kid killed.
He's a rock star.
- Here.
- Is this person a patient?
This.[audience cheering]
[Post]
Girl, I like you, I do
- Right?
- Oh, my God.
[Bill]
Oh, my God. That's Liam![Molly] Liam.
- Who took him to this?
- There's a lot of people there.
[Molly] Is he moonwalking?[Bill] It's not great,
but it's spirited.
He's so cool.
That's our son?
This was last night?[Molly] Oh, my God.
Uh-oh. Here's when
- we all went backstage.
- What?
[crowd chanting]
Liam! Liam! Liam! Is he playing beer pong?
[Bill] What?
[Satan] Yeah! Yeah!
That's what I'm talking about.
Yeah![laughing]
[nurse]
He's so good at beer pong.
Oh, no.
Yeah.[chanting]
Liam! Liam! Liam!
[sighs] Liam,
can we just talk for a moment?
No! You ruined my life!
Look, I know it was scary.
It's just that
the doctors were try-- were--
[Molly] Liam, honey, we--
[both sigh]
[sighs]
I should've believed him.
[scoffs]
What, that he was a rock star?
I mean,
why would you believe that?
Because he said he was.
And he's my son.
You did everything
a good father would do.
Did I?Under the circumstances,
yeah.
Hey, you are
a really good father, Bill.
Really, you're amazing.
Thank you.
Oh, and, Bill,
I'm sorry you never
got that pony
when you were a kid.
[chuckles]
[line ringing]
[chimes]
Hey.
Hey. What the heck happened
to you tonight?
My parents are freaks.
That's what happened.
Well, we missed you, man.
Wasn't as fun without you.
Oh, really? Sure looked like
you were having a good time.
What do you mean?
You were all over her.
I saw everything.
Satan showed it to me.
Satan showed it to you? Yeah.
He put it on the monitor.
So, you were just spying on us?
I was riveted.
[in mocking voice]
"The super-duper bad kind."
[mock cries] Please.
You were the one
who came up with the cancer lie.
I guess that
no good deed goes unpunished.
So, making up a story
that I'm dying
is your good deed?
No. Fixing your teeth
was my good deed.
What? That's right.
I used my second wish
to straighten out your teeth.
I didn't go after Emma.
And I never asked you to
fix my teeth.
Yeah, well,
I was being a good friend.
You should try it sometime.
[line cuts]
[sighs]
Maybe he's right.
Maybe he did meet the devil.
Oh, come on.
You're the one who said
that we should believe him.
Within reason.
Bill, you saw him.
He was singing and dancing
and he was playing beer pong.
Our son can't do
any of those things.
Maybe he was practicing
at school.
Beer pong in middle school?
Maybe it was lemonade pong.
Okay, yeah.
Well, obviously,
he's a natural.
I mean, I was in a frat.
Yes, we know.
There's gotta be
some explanation.
Yeah, maybe there is.
Maybe he's telling the truth.
Are you listening to
yourself, Molly?
You're actually wondering
out loud if
there really is a devil?
Well, if there isn't,
then who took Spencer from us?
God?
Would God take Liam's
little brother
away from him?
[Molly sighs]
There are bad things
in this world, Bill--
horrible things--
and we've seen them firsthand.
Where do you think
they come from?
Stop it, Molly.
Spencer didn't die
because of God or the devil.
He died because--
Because I let them play outside
without watching them.
Just say it. It was my fault.
- I didn't say that.
- But you were thinking it.
Don't tell me
- what I'm thinking, okay?
- You certainly don't tell me.
[Bill]
Maybe it's because I don't know
what I think anymore!
Nothing around here
makes any damn sense.
[Molly]
Yeah, I know you don't.
Maybe tomorrow,
I'll just go to my sister's
for a while.
Yeah, maybe you should.
Yeah, I think
it'll be better for everyone.
Yeah,
stay as long as you'd like.
I give up.
If you need me,
I'll be on my couch.
[sighs]
[sighs]
[Satan] I like you, I do
[vocalizing]
And a-one, two, three, four.
Two, two, three, four.
And three, two, three, four.
Four, two, three, four.
I like you, I do
[anchor] In other news,
entertainer Post Malone... Kick-- What?
...checked himself
into Emory Medical Center
for extensive tests yesterday
after posting on social media
how he woke up
and had no recollection
of a two-hour concert
he gave at the Neary Theater.[laughs] I did that.
Hey, guys. Um, Posty here.
Um, weird story.
So, uh, I'm sitting
in the greenroom,
getting ready for a show,
and all of a sudden,
I wake up
and it's the next day.
And, uh, I don't even remember
what happened.
[laughs, bleats]
But I appreciate the love... He didn't know what hit him.
...and, um,
I'm doing great now.
Well, that sure sounds scary.
It sure is.
But you know what?
His fans
weren't complaining at all.
In fact, many in attendance
thought it was
one of his best shows ever.
Now that's
what I'm talking about.[anchor] We sure have.
Best show he's done in year--[knocks on door]
Damn, Uber Eats is fast.
Coming.
Double stuffed pizza crust.
Well, well, well.
I wanna make my third wish.
Please, come in.
What are you wearing?
Oh, it's just
a little exercise thing
I picked up at the store.
Come on in.
Make yourself comfortable.
Hey, Liam.
I know you're upset,
but I just wanted to say
good night, okay?
[sighs] Liam.
Liam, come on.
[wind whistling]
Bill. Bill!
So let me try to
get this straight.
You're saying your third wish is
you want your parents to
not get a divorce?
That's right.
It's a little vague.
I mean, theoretically,
they could stay together
but still be miserable.
No.
I want them to smile again.
[sighs]
Go out to dinner.
Watch a band.
Hug, kiss, laugh.
And not say horrible things
to each other.
[sighs]
That kind of staying together.
Okay.
So, you can do it?
I'm usually pro-divorce,
but hell, yes, I can do it.
So, then what will happen to me?
Do I die
and go straight to hell?
No, no, no, no, not yet.
Not for a good 70 to 85 years
if you watch your weight
and get your
10,000 steps a day in.
Until then,
do me a favor.
Have some fun.
What kind of fun?
Fun, fun.
You're literally
going to hell.
You might as well
have fun with it.
Be a jerk.
Don't hold the door.
In fact,
slam the door in people's faces.
Rip a juicy one
on the bus.
Tell people
what you really think about 'em
right to their face,
even if it's rude.
Feels good.
What if I enjoy
being nice to people?
[blows raspberry]
You don't.
You just believe you do
because you're worried about
what people think.
How do you know?
I may be Satan,
but I'm also a keen observer of
the human "condish."
Now, come on, kid.
Let's make it official.
[breathes deeply]
How?
In a clear voice--
no mumbling-- just say,
"With this third and final wish,
Satan, you now have my soul,"
and then ask for the wish.
[breathes deeply]
With this third
and final wish, Satan,
you now have my soul.[mouthing]
You now have my soul.
[thunder rumbles]
Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm.[exhales]
Go ahead now.
Ask for the third wishie.
Imagine getting
to see your mom smile again.
A real smile, guilt-free.
Your dad too.
I wish my parents
would stay together,
in love, forever.
Sucker!
[laughs]
I'm just messing with you.
Congrats.
Welcome to the squad.
What? Why so blue?
Why so blue?
I just sold my soul to
the devil.
[chuckles] Adorable.
Totes adorbs.
That's what they all say
at first,
but once you get the hang of it,
you're gonna have a blast.
Ooh, I get goose bumps
just thinking about it.
You never understand.
Aw, cheer up, dude.
Slam that door.
[slams]
[laughs]
I like it, I do
I catch a little soul
And I eat a whole bowl
I like it, I do
Where is he?
Where could he be?
He was angry.
He probably went for a walk.
[exhales]
Look, let me just pull over
for a minute
so I can think.
[sighs]
[breathes heavily]
I don't wanna fight with you
anymore about Liam.
I know you think
I'm the one to blame
for all of this.
What are you talking about?
I let him believe in Santa.
I baby him.
I don't challenge him enough.
Molly,
I don't blame you for this.
And I never blamed you
for Spencer.
The truth is,
if I blame anyone...
it was me.
You?
Why?
Why was I
not there that day?
What was so important
that I couldn't be there?
I was golfing.
Can you believe that?
I was fricking golfing.
It was a Saturday, Bill.
You were out having
a little bit of fun
with your friends.
There's nothing wrong with that.
It wasn't your fault.
And it wasn't yours.
It was an accident.
It wasn't your fault.
It was nobody's fault.
It's the first time
you've ever said that.
I guess I just
didn't wanna talk about it.
Yeah, well, I did.
And I needed to.
I'm sorry.
I'm so sorry.
I'm sorry too.
- Look.
- Oh, thank God.
Liam!
[exhales]
What are you doing?
Hi.
I'm just getting in
my 10,000 steps.
You're getting your what?
[chuckling]
You get in this car, silly.
Buckle up.
[engine starts]
You know what I'm gonna do
when we get home?
I'm gonna bake us a batch of
those Rudolph the Reindeer
pastries
you guys love so much.
[chuckles] Oh, boy.
["Bad to the Bone" playing]
Whoa, whoa, whoa.
What do you think you're doing?
We've been over this, slick.
You don't cross
till you hear the word "go."
Go. There.
How many times
do I have to say this?
I am in--
[horn honks]
Oh, my God!
Slow down! What was--
No! Children![whistle blows]
Hey! No![whistle blows]
[horn honks]
Hey! Do your job,
you banana head!
I am doing my job.
You don't know.
You didn't take the course.
[horn honks]
Oh. Look who it is.
Mr. Dance-On-The-Stage Guy.
Wow. That's a good one.
Are all your insults that good?
Do you just describe something
a person did
but in a snarky tone?
Masterful.
I've tried
to be nice to you.
And that's gotten really boring
and tiresome.
So instead,
I'm gonna tell you the truth.
You're so insecure
about yourself,
rather than develop
any personality,
you bully other kids
who you think won't fight back.
You gonna let him
talk to you like that, Aiden?
Yeah, he will,
'cause he's a coward.
Stand up to any bully,
and you'll see
their true colors.
Deep down, they're just--
[groans][Aiden's friends exclaim]
[exhales]
We done here?
Yeah. I'm good.
Good.
Gentlemen.
[bell ringing]
All right, students.
Let's flip the on switch
to your medulla oblongatas.
Now, I know this is the last day
before your Christmas break.
Whoo!
But your frail little minds
must not wander into
the land of sugarplums.
Has anyone in here
actually ever had a sugarplum?
Hmm? That tasty
17th-century delicacy.
Other than me, obviously.
Liar. You are a liar, son.
I want you bright-eyed
and bushy-tailed
as we discuss probably
one of the most overrated books
in history,
To Kill a Mockingbird.
Now, if I was publisher,
I would've titled it
To Kill a Manuscript.
[chuckles]
Oh, Mr. Turner,
is your head
in the clouds again?
Don't start with me today, bud.
Not in the mood.
What did you just say to me?
Did I stutter?
Mr. Turner, what on earth
has gotten into you?
I'm just getting tired
of your act.
My act, is it?
Yeah, constantly putting down
great books
to help you feel better
about your own failures.
I mean,
what have you ever written?
Nothing, right?
Nothing good, anyway,
or you wouldn't be
a sixth-grade English teacher.
Wow. That was
quite the kill shot there, Liam.
You actually might have a point.
Certainly, my father
and ex-wife would agree
with your assessment.
[bell ringing]
Emma.
Emma, wait.
What?
Oh, I wanted to apologize
for running out
in the middle of our date.
Don't worry about it.
Gibby told me
your mom needed you at home.
You wanna walk home
together?
I don't think so.
Oh.
Um, why?
You were a jerk.
What?
In class with Mr. Charles.
You were totally soul-crushing.
You called him a failure
in front of the whole class.
You know, I broke up with Aiden
because I thought
I found someone nice.
Turns out I was wrong.
You're nothing but a bully.
Goodbye.
[crying]
We're gonna go back-to-back.
On three. We're doing bubble judging.
We'll see who-- Dad, can you count to three?
Yeah. One, two, three.[Molly] Spencer, that's...
[laughs]
[Bill] Count down. Okay, ready?
[Bill] All right,
Mom's gonna count it down.
[Molly] Three, two, one.
Guys, on one. Okay.[Bill] It's a duel.
[chuckles]
I didn't know
what was happening.[all whooping]
I'm gonna catch it.
I'm gonna catch it.[Liam] It's like a hot dog.
Yeah, be very gentle.
Like it's your child.
[parents exclaim, laugh]
[Spencer]
Good job, Mom.
You did so good.
[Bill]
The biggest bubble
that lasted that long.
High five. That was beautiful.[Molly] My number one--
My number one fan.
[line ringing]
[Liam] I'm trying to slice
these bubbles.[Bill] Wait, Liam. Wait.
[chimes]
Hey.[Gibby] Hey.
Whatcha doing?
Nothing.
Just watching
old videos of my brother.
You have a brother?
Yeah.
Well, I used to.
Spencer, he, um-- he died.
What?
Why didn't you ever
tell me that? You wouldn't let me, remember?
You wanted to talk about
the Impossible Burger lasagna.
Oh, by the way,
I tried it. It is good.
Oh, crap.
I'm so, so sorry.
That's a rough one, man.
Thanks, Gibby.
I'm really sorry
about what I said
the other night.
I know you weren't trying to,
you know, with Emma.
I would hope not.
What kind of monster
do you think I am, man?
It's Satan's fault.
He made me suspicious.
Isn't that one of
the seven deadly sins?
Are there really seven?
What chance do we have?
[sighs]
Actually, it's my fault too.
I should've never fixed
your teeth
without your permission.
I was drunk with power.
Well, I'm sorry too.
I kinda suspected
you were the one
who, you know, fixed my teeth.
You did?
Come on, I'm not an idiot.
I guess I just didn't wanna
admit that Satan
was helping me too.
Yeah, I guess there is
a bit of a stigma to that.
I was being a jerk.
I mean,
you used
your last freebie wish on me.
You could've fixed
your own physical malformities,
but instead, you thought of me.
That's pretty cool.
What physical malformities?
Huh?
Anyway, Merry Christmas, Liam.
You too, Gib.
You're a good friend.
Right back at ya, bestie.
So, what do you think
happened to Satan?
[Liam] Meh,
I'm sure he's back down there,
sitting on his throne.
Welcome back to hell,
my loyal subject.
I trust you traveled safely.
Yes, your lowness.
Thank you for asking.
It was a smooth trip, indeed.
I was being facetious,
you dumbass.
Not only did you go rogue
without my permission,
you also failed miserably
on your mission.
I can't take that kid's soul.
W-W-Why not?
I'll tell you...
[mock stammers] ...why not.
'Cause you screwed the pooch.
That was only once,
and I was going through a thing.
First of all, ew.
And I mean
you screwed up big time.
So, your deal with this kid,
Liam, is null and void.
Null and void?
- Mm-hmm. It's a legal term.
- I know that.
No. I don't know
if you know it.
'Cause when I said
"null and void," you said
"null and void?" Like that.
Like you didn't have
any idea what that meant.
- I know null and void.
- Hang on a second.
Just out of curiosity,
what-what is the definition of
null and void, hmm?
Null and void,
I think it means, like...
"Null" means, like, "no."
And "void" means--
I mean, "void" means
"null and void."
You know, null and void.
Okay, so, null and void
means "null and void"?
Yes. [chuckles]
That's like saying hippopotamus
means, uh, "hippopotamus."
Okay,
I don't know null and void.
But how did I screw up?
I got him to ask for
the three wishes,
fair and square.
They're supposed to be
evil wishes, you moron.
Or at least shallow
and greedy wishes.
He asked me to be with
a cute girl.
That's shallow and greedy.
Yeah, but, I mean,
you tricked him into it.
Oh, come on.
He wanted her.
You know that.
Okay. Maybe he did. All right.
I'll give you that one.
But the other two
were definitely pure
and for the benefit of others.
I mean, how the hell
am I supposed to work
with someone like that?
Plus, B-T-Dubs, you got a soul
under false pretenses.
But that's our MO.
Since when do we not operate
under false pretenses?
You pretended to be me.
Never. I never said I was you.
I explained how there was no way
that I was you,
that there was only
one real Satan, you,
and how the rest of us
just aid and serve you,
but that, without question, you,
your lowness,
are the one and only big D--
You're lying.
Yeah. I mean, of course.
[chuckling]
I'm a liar.
Now, take off
those bullshit horns already!
Oh. [chuckles] Yeah. Uh...
[grunts]
I was just wearing them
until I earned my real horns.
Yeah, well,
that's not happening.
You're not getting horns,
and you'll never be
a real demon.
What? Come on!
Can't you just give me
one more shot at it?
That kid
was a tough nut to crack.
I tried everything.
He was incorruptible.
Look, no offense,
but just-- I mean...
It's just not
a good fit anymore.
You know?
[laughs]
What are you talking about?
I busted my ass for you
for centuries.
I understand,
but some "demigorgons"
and demidemons
are just not meant
to be full demons, okay?
Sorry.
It's not me, it's you.
Seriously?
You have one hour to
say your bye-byes.
Wow.
Tootles.
That's the first time
I've ever said "tootles."
I-I never say that.
Just so you know.
[Satan]
That was the first time
I said "B-T-Dubs."
[groans]
[taps on glass][squawking]
[taps on glass][squawks]
Satan?
No, it's Santy Claus.
Open the window!
[squawks]
[squawks]
[snorts, groans]
- Deal's off.
- What?
The deal's off.
I can't take your soul.
What are you talking about?
Why is it off?
I decided I didn't want it.
Why didn't you want my soul?
Uh...
Wasn't my type.
It's a long story.
The bottom line is,
you have your soul back
and you're never going to hell.
Sorry.
Wait.
If you didn't have my soul,
then how was I able to
talk trash to Mr. Charles
and the crossing guard
and stand up to Aiden?
Kinda.
That wasn't me.
You were finally
standing up for yourself.
Though I did think you were
a little hard on Mr. Charles.
You thought so too?
A little.
Wait. Why would you come
all the way here
just to tell me that?
Um, I'm considerate.
Satan isn't considerate.
That's a stereotype.
Satan can be complex.
I mean, I can be complex.
You don't have your--
You're not Satan.
Uh...
I never said I was.
Yes, you did.
Numerous times!
[groans] Sorry.
Caught me in a lie.
I knew
you weren't really Satan.
Why would Satan stay
at the Red Rum Motor Lodge?
They got free Wi-Fi.
And I like their croissants.
So, who are you?
I was just a low-level demon.
"Demigorgon."
A fraud.
[sighs]
So that's it?
Yep.
You get to keep your soul
and you're never
gonna go to hell.
And thanks to
your candy-ass wishes,
I'm banished from hell forever.
Oh, geez.
I'm so sorry about that.
I--
Ah, it's all right.
Hell ain't all
it's cracked up to be.
[scoffs]
Talk about your horrible bosses.
[sighs] Anyway, kid,
Merry Christmas.
Thank you.
Merry Christmas to you too.
I'm sort of ashamed to
admit it,
but I really enjoyed hanging out
with you
and getting to know you.
You're a good kid, Liam.
Thank you.
You're very welcome.
And I like Emma too.
She's a doll.
And Gibby... [chuckles]
How much fun was that seeing him
with those new teeth?
That smile.
Did you see that joy,
that little glimmer in his eye?
That kid's got a heart of gold.
His old teeth, yikes.
You could open up
a bottle of beer
on those chompers.
[laughs]
I mean, bottle of pop.
So, what are you gonna do
with yourself?
For Christmas?
I usually order Chinese
and watch some hoops.
No. I mean, like,
for good?
Oh.
I actually feel like
I'm starting a new chapter
of my life,
and it's pretty refreshing.
[chuckles] It's a totally
different career path.
Anyhoo, I gotta go now.
[chuckles]
Oh, yeah!
One more thing.
Your third wish
was null and void.
What? What do you mean?
Don't ask me
about null and void.
It's a legal term.
Very complicated.
The point is
you can't wish for something
that's already happened.
Your parents got back together
on their own,
so that canceled out your wish.
- Wh-- Really?
- Really.
So it turns out
you had another wish coming.
I didn't have much time,
so I just put in what
you asked for in your letter.
My letter? I thought you said
you didn't read it.
Oh, I was in the bathroom
doing my business
and I needed something.
My letter.
I didn't know
I could wish for that.
You can wish for
anything you want, kid.
It's Christmas.
See ya!
[hoots]
["Holly Jolly Christmas"
playing]
[laughs]
- Rudolph the Reindeer pastries.
- Bill!
Okay, first off,
it's Rudolph
the Red-Nosed Reindeer.
Wha--And these are actually
your all-time worst.
- What?
- They--
They look like seals.
- Seals?
- Yeah.
- No, they've got antlers.
- No.
- They're anatomically correct.
- Okay.
[Bill] I-- Don't--[Molly] No.
[parents laughing]
Like, why are you...
I think I nailed the back.
[parents continue talking
indistinctly]
[Bill]
...nice touch, gumdrop nose...[Molly laughing]
[Bill]
I think I nailed the back.
[Liam] Dear Santa.
I know it's ridiculous
that I'm writing you
this letter.
After all, I'm 11.
But, hey,
I figure it can't hurt.
[laughing]
[Liam]
I know this is
a crazy thing to ask for.
Thank you so much.
Thank you. I just--You got it. Yeah.
[Liam] But if anyone
is used to being asked
for crazy things, it's you.
- Merry Christmas.
- Merry Christmas.
- Well, look who's up.
- Merry Christmas, buddy.
Why don't you go see
what Santa brought you?
[Liam] I only want
one thing for Christmas.
And I'm pretty sure
I'll only want
one thing for
the rest of my life.
Please, please...
can you bring my brother back?
Yes!
[breathing heavily]
Hey, Liam. Merry Christmas.
[crying]
What are you waiting for?
Open up your presents.
I just did.
What are you doing?
Mom, can you tell Liam to
stop it?
[Molly chuckles]
[sobbing]
I love you so much.
Okay, okay. I love you too.
Ma, tell him to let go of me.
You know how much
Liam loves Christmas, Spence.
- Get 'em while they're hot!
- Oh, no.
- Wow.
- Chef Dad.
So delicious. Thanks.
- Who's this from?
- The Harrisons.
From the old neighborhood?[Molly] Yeah.
Yeah. I liked them.
They had a skating rink
in their backyard
and the pug who chased pucks.
That's right.
God, I miss them.
Remind me why
we ever left Connecticut.
[chuckling]
Because you wanted to move.[blusters, whinnies]
My pony!
- [laughing] What?
- Oh, my God.
I got my fricking pony!
Oh, my God, Bill.
- Oh, my.
- Bill.
Thank you, sweetie.
Me? I...
Oh, okay. All right.
Well, I should be the one
thanking you.
Why didn't you tell me
you found the tree topper?
I-I didn't find it.
Okay, yeah, right.
As if I believe you.
Yeah. Okay. You...
Best Christmas ever.
[electric guitar solo plays]
[line ringing]
- [Bill] It's fine. All right?
- Yeah. I think so.
Hey, Gibby. Merry Christmas.
[Gibby] Yeah. Yeah. You too.
So, did it kick in yet,
you being with team Satan now?
No. Long story.
But everything turned out great.
And I got my soul back.
Wow.
Guess what.
Things are about to
get even better.
'Cause I just convinced Emma
to give you another chance.
Wait. Really?
How? What did you say?
Well, I know she's into
the whole sympathy thing,
so I told her about
your dead brother.
Uh-oh.
[neighs]
[screeches]
Ho, ho, ho, ho, ho!
Whoa. Whoa. Whoa.
Hold up.
Slow down, Lance Armstrong.
Oh, I do apologize.
I didn't realize
there were any cars coming.
Yeah. I'll tell you
when there's no cars.
Oh, my.
I must say,
I appreciate a woman who is
keen to her professional duties.
Now, may I be so bold
as to ask...
Yes?
What is it
you're doing here today?
I mean, do they have you
working on Christmas Day?
Oh.
No, I sorta
just showed up.
Didn't have
anything else going on.
I actually had
nothing going on either,
so I... I don't know.
I thought I'd just
go for a bike ride.[gasps]
- Uh, please, go ahead.
- Right.
Yeah.[chuckles]
You wouldn't,
by chance, uh,
be interested in heading over
to the Royal Garden perhaps?
Eating some Chinese food.
Maybe watching some hoops.
I think they have
the best crab rangoons in town.
But of course--
I don't mean to put you out.
You had me at "rangoons."
Then it's a date.
Hop on, milady.
Second thought, uh,
how about we take a brisk walk?
Oh.[chuckles]
Shall I?Yeah.
- Let's shove off.
- Let's shove off.
You must be from England.
Are you?
Jersey.
New Jersey, actually. Yes.
The Princeton area of course.
[crossing guard]
That explains the accent.
[Mr. Charles]
Yes. Yes, yes.
[both laughing]