Death of a Telemarketer (2020) Movie Script
Oh, my God, I just,
I just don't think I can go on.
Patricia, listen to my voice.
I'm here for you.
Now, let's just breathe
and weigh our options.
What difference would options make?
After 20 years, he left me.
Twenty long years, bastard.
We've talked about him already, okay?
He hurt you, he tore your heart out,
and Patricia,
that thing with the border collie,
damn it, Patricia, I was in tears for you.
But what do we really know?
We know that it's okay to hurt sometimes.
We also know that he's making
no more decisions for you.
I made up my mind, I'm hanging up.
Patricia, you wait.
You don't hang up that phone.
Patricia, just stay with me.
Please.
Please.
-Patricia?
-I'm still here.
Okay, that's good.
Patricia, that's real good, okay?
I'm already seeing some growth.
Now here's the thing, Patricia.
I'm offering help, if you want it.
Because we all need help sometimes.
You know what, fuck it.
Give me the full package.
Platinum Triple Play, HBO,
Starz, phone, Internet, all of it.
I am so proud of you.
You've already shown so much growth.
I'm gonna go ahead,
I'll put those numbers in.
-Great. Are you ready for my card number?
-Absolutely.
We will be in touch.
-Oh, well I really appreciate--
-All right now.
That is what you call a first ballot
hall of fame performance.
-Let's get another one, Big Fred.
-I understand, Ms. Wise.
These times are hard on all of us.
Internet and cable
are kind of expensive bills,
-especially when you have--
-No.
Like my mama say,
I shall keep you in my prayers, Mrs.--
Mrs. Wise. And I pray that you recognise
your freely-given faith.
And right here, right now,
start living in a life of abundance,
and enjoying a life of prosperity.
And the best way to exorcise that almighty
faith is to try my service today.
God bless you.
You like porn? We got porn.
-What kind of porn we talking about?
-Oh, my corporate number, yeah.
It's 1-800-FUCK-YOU.
You want me to add you
to the do not call list?
Shit. I mean, shit, I mean, please.
I just don't think that's a good idea.
Kasey. Thanks.
But that lady might not be able
to afford our package.
We should do no evil.
Man, you know what? That is so crazy that
you think that I care, because I don't.
After the sale, bro, it's out of my hands.
Can't say I disagree there.
Yeah, unless she wants
that private dick-stillation.
-Bow, bow, bow--
-Get it, get it, get it.
Gentlemen, gentlemen, gentlemen.
Yeah, I hurt myself a little bit.
Her home's in foreclosure.
That's unfortunate for her.
You know, because what they're gonna do
is they're gonna remove her from her home
and leave all that good entertainment
in the house for somebody else, you know?
All right.
Last day of the sales period, shit-heads.
Let's focus on the three
necessities of life.
Phone, cable, Internet.
It's just that simple.
Nice work.
But that Patricia lady, 22 minutes.
You going soft on me, king?
I got the sale.
And her life story.
And the sale. Listen, Liz,
your boys are running out of gas,
it's embarrassing, really.
May I remind you, 3 grand is at stake.
Six hours until end of business.
Still anyone's ballgame.
All right, let's see where we're at.
-Call them out.
-Almost had a triple.
And I almost cared.
Who else besides Kasey?
Double play. Cable and Internet.
Yeah. I hate to be that guy,
but I closed that one, Liz,
so go ahead and add that to mine,
plus two other triple plays.
-Love it.
-Yeah, sorry rookie,
it's the law of the land.
Remember, winner not only takes
our largest commission to date,
but also the throne chair.
-And whoever ends up in last place...
-Justin.
-Fuck off.
-Eat shit, asshole.
That means you are the lowlife loser
who will be given the shittiest sales list
you've ever seen.
Hell, if it were legal,
I'd give you the worst list.
The do not call list.
And for anyone whose target asks
to be put on the do not call list,
I'll subtract one of their miserable,
sorry ass sales.
Now, has anyone asked
to be put on that list?
Because I don't lie, okay? I never lie.
I'm a good person, I visit my grandma.
Shut up.
Now everyone can
just shut their pie-holes,
because I got a call
from corporate earlier.
They're on their way here as we speak
for an all-hands-on-deck meeting.
I have a very comfortable lead,
so I'm gonna take this as my cue to leave.
The meeting's kind of a big deal,
got some suits flying in from Houston.
Oh, Houston, lovely city,
love the Rockets.
-Tell them I said what up.
-Kasey.
I can't hear you.
Ladies, ladies, please.
No, don't get up,
I couldn't trouble you to do so.
I was just on my lunch break
in the neighbourhood,
and I thought to myself, huh,
who could use some roses?
Oh, I know.
The ladies at the Wave Hair Salon.
-Here you go.
-Is he crazy?
-For you.
-Crazy.
-Anyway, that's for you.
-Thank you.
Yeah. Shelly, Shelly, Shelly.
I'm just surprised it's not dripping
in snake oil.
You'll kill these flowers.
And one final rose
for a very special lady.
Two years of emotional torture,
a single rose doesn't seem quite right.
Well, I got two, technically.
So it's one step closer
to getting you back.
Look, is there any way
we can talk in private now?
Just a minute, without inmate number one.
Okay, Ms. Gordon?
I'm gonna give him his minute,
or else he won't leave.
Trust me, it's just better for everyone,
and I'll...
Okay, I understand.
But if you need some backup, just holler.
Because baby, I don't mind taking off
the earrings to put some Vaseline on you.
Don't have flashbacks
of your strip club days.
-What?
-I love you.
-I love you.
-I love you too, sugar.
Honestly, I don't wanna be
the one to say it,
but I don't think this
is the environment for you.
Look, I'm almost done with my master's
in psych, and unlike you,
I don't have a father footing the bill.
In there is real life,
and I've been waiting
for you to join me here.
Like, in the salon?
Baby, I can't work here.
-Don't be stupid.
-Okay, I'm sorry.
But, you know,
I'm trying here, I really am.
Do you want a cookie
for being a smooth talker?
It depends on the type of cookie.
Okay, seriously.
That was the last joke.
But I'm serious, that's why I'm here.
Okay? I want what you want,
I want what we want.
You always say the right thing,
but I'm not your customer, okay?
If you can't be open and honest
with me all of the time,
then there is no "we."
Hell, I haven't even met
all of your family yet.
I keep saying,
you don't want to meet my dad.
-I'm a family person.
-Hey, I am too.
Very important to me,
and I'm being for real about that.
Well then, prove it.
And don't you dare try to sell me.
Well, let me, okay.
Let me just sell you one last time
on dinner tonight.
All right, no hustles, no pickup lines,
just you, me, two fine steaks.
We gave up red meat.
We did, and I know, I remember.
I didn't know if you had gone back
since the breakup,
which is why I chose a place
with very fine aquatic selections.
You know what I mean? Salmon, right?
God invented that. Leafy greens?
Gotta have my fibre intake, you know,
because I stay backed up sometimes.
-Stop.
-Really gotta keep it moving, you know?
Look, there is this new French place
on 5th I've been wanting to try, so...
Boom. I'm gonna leave right now
before you change your mind.
-I can't hear.
-You can read my lips.
-I can read your lips.
-What am I saying?
-Salmon and sex?
-What time...
-That's not what I said.
-That's what it sounds like.
-Sex and salmon.
-Goodbye.
And not in that order.
Right, so, okay.
Just to clarify, 8 p.m.,
a quiet table, with a view.
Right. Thanks, Dana.
Hey, let me ask you something.
I'm not doing too much, am I?
You know, I mean,
there's a lot riding on this date.
Oh, no, I trust your taste,
it was, you know...
Right. All right, thanks, Dana.
Showtime.
-Fats, my man.
-Hey, Kasey.
How's that Sunday Ticket treating you?
Man, I ain't miss a game
all preseason, baby.
Hey, call me when you want
that landline, all right?
Cell phones for the bros, landlines...
Is for the other bros, because we both
know you ain't getting no bitches.
This is the only bitch I need, playa.
My man.
-Yes, I can! You're the shittiest...
-I ain't messing with that,
that's all you.
-That chick is a wild one.
-Oh, my God.
That's good.
You just have it out for me
because I'm short.
-Oh, because you're short?
-Yeah.
No, because you don't know how to sell.
You are useless, go!
-Can you get him out of here?
-You know what? You can suck my shit.
I am gonna come back here
and bite everybody's dick off.
Okay, go back to Jersey,
Justin, make your mama happy.
Yeah, you come to New Jersey,
-you see what we do to you.
-Okay.
I'll bury you in the sand in the shore!
Yup. You, my office.
You know, Mrs. Hanks, what it is,
Russia's gonna start tapping
all American cell phones very soon.
-My Lord.
-Do yourself a favour
and add our phone package today.
It's the only way to stay safe from Putin.
I'm listening, but that's not me.
I know it sounds like me,
but that's not me, you know.
-No?
-A lot of people...
Russian spyware, you know what I mean?
They can make you sound like anybody.
You listen to Joe Rogan podcasts?
-No.
-Oh, you'll see,
maybe you should start, educate yourself.
You know, before you bring
on these accusations.
Sorry, Justin.
We must show patriotism
by honouring a true American icon.
I told a deception.
I shouldn't have told a deception.
I know, and I've learned from it,
and I've grown, really.
-I've grown from it. Yeah.
-You have?
I've learned my lesson.
-Today is a new day. For me.
-Okay.
Any idea who that man might be?
-Mr. Rogers?
-Not Rogers, ma'am.
-James, Rick James.
-Rick James?
That's right, Rick James.
The one and only founding father
of "Super Freaks."
-Super what?
-It sounds like I haven't grown
when you play it back.
-Yeah.
-Our wonderful Triple Play package.
Someone will personally hand-deliver
a one of a kind
Rick James wig right to your doorstep.
Oh, my, that would be nice.
I bet my granddaughter would want one too.
-Rick James.
-Kinda funny.
I'd been listening to some "Super Freak"
on the car ride.
-Creative.
-Yeah.
Already over 100,000 views,
and you've mentioned the company's name.
Corporate fucking loved it.
Wait, so they're not upset?
Upset? They nearly jizzed
their double-pleated slacks
at the social media exposure
and potential revenue.
-And with you being top salesman.
-I am.
They demanded that the entire floor adopts
the Kasey Method.
The Kasey Method.
Yeah.
Check out the front row.
Hi, yes, this is Barry calling you
from TeleWin.
Yeah.
Actually, you know, when my pastor was 20,
he cared what everybody thought about him.
When he turned 40, he didn't care
what nobody thought about him.
But when he turned 60,
he realised nobody cared
what they thought about him.
So, what I'm trying to say is,
ma'am, you shouldn't care,
you should buy one of these packages.
Yes, okay.
I like my coffee like I like my men.
I don't, because I like girls.
And everybody around here knows it.
Why are you in my chair?
I'm sorry,
I just thought you wouldn't mind--
"Sorry, Kasey."
You thought I wouldn't mind?
Is that bow tie cutting off
the circulation to your brain?
I guess I just wanted to channel
the master, that's all.
-But hey--
-Hey, hey, hey.
It's not about the chair.
The chair don't make the man.
Because no matter how long you sit
in this chair,
you will always be second place.
But not just to me, God hates you.
I like how you got my chair,
but couldn't...
Couldn't make the switch, could you?
This is something
you can relate to, Barry?
You know what I mean? Everybody standing
around watching like this is a music show.
Is that my mocha choca king sitting
in a regular ass chair?
Well, I'm just feeling
generous today, gentlemen, that's it.
Then why the Payday Loan?
What, they called you?
Asked a bunch of weird questions.
Like your nipple shape.
I said Africa, I kept it safe.
-That's accurate.
-Right there.
My man.
You told them I was a good dude?
Of course I did.
You know what I'm saying?
-Right there.
-I said you had great taste in music.
You said that? Look, anyway,
I just have a very special purchase
I had to make.
These loan companies
don't fuck around though, man.
My uncle, he almost lost his left nut
because he defaulted on a payment.
Bro, could you imagine making
a Sophie's Choice with your nutsack?
It's like left truffle, right truffle.
As long as I cash out
by tonight as planned,
me and my truffles are perfectly fine.
I love truffles.
Y'all thought process puzzles me.
I'll sign you up
for the package right now.
Holy shit.
Man, look at the scoreboard.
-Yes, ma'am.
-That's real cute.
Real cute, rookie.
Let's go get another one, Big Fred.
This is Barry calling from TeleWin,
and I'm trying to upgrade you now.
I like to shoot straight.
Better cable service while he's gone,
fucking all those other women.
I was born and raised in Texas like you.
Sometimes I like to grab the bull by
its horns and do you know what to them.
I can sign you up right now.
-Hello?
-One for Barry.
Whatever, dude.
Even a broken clock's right twice a day.
Absolutely, sir, I'm from fucking Boston.
-Yeah. Fucking Boston, I went to BU.
-Clock's ticking.
Two banger for Barry.
He's having a little lucky streak.
That's all good.
-Triple play for Barry.
-Shit, Barry.
You can learn from your failures.
Hey, our phones, anybody's phone,
Debra, is your phone messed up?
That last company failed you,
but we won't.
Kasey still has a clear lead,
but he's clearly under pressure.
The same pressure he faced in law school.
The same pressure that caused him
to flunk out.
Dropped out.
All right, choir boy, I got you.
Another single play for Barry.
Fucking is it hot?
-Two banger for Barry.
-Debra, can you turn the a.c. up?
-Another one for Barry.
-Debra, you're way behind.
So don't even look at me
with judging eyes.
Yeah, you've reached Kasey.
Fuck.
-Fuck.
-How's this for a bonus?
24-carat gold-plated iPad.
Can I get a word in? No, I called you,
so you have to wonder what I'm--
As soon as I called, you started yelling.
-Hello?
-It's Christine.
Oh, hey. Hey, babe.
Hey, I'm just checking
if you made the reservation.
Did I make the reservations?
Yes, oh, sorry.
Of course I made the reservation.
I'm writing you down right now.
Are you okay? You sound off.
No, no, I sound weird? You know...
Fuck you.
I don't sound weird,
you're the one who sounds weird.
I'm just at work making deals
like Gordon Gekko.
Oh, I bet you are.
I bet Gordon Gekko
would be making money right now
and probably would be allowed
personal calls from his very own office.
Get off the damn phone, Liz.
Hey, babe, listen, I gotta go.
Okay? I have to--
I will talk to you later.
All right, bye.
Time.
Huddle up.
Looks like Kasey's got it again.
-How many more you got, king?
-What, what?
-My man.
-How many more you got?
-How many do I...
-Yeah, how many more do you got?
-Oh, no, that's it right there.
-That's it?
I'm saying when you put all
the numbers together combined, yeah.
Anybody else got anything?
Just one.
Yeah, well, sorry,
single play's not enough.
Just one triple play.
Yes.
Holy shit. That's...
You win by one.
Oh, that's major.
Good shit, Barry.
I demand a recount on that.
Single but stable family home.
I got her to go for the triple.
Easy, easy, okay?
I mean, I just had a lucky day,
I'm not sure how it happened.
You used the Kasey Method,
I bet that's what happened.
Actually, I used my own method.
And don't forget my smile.
I mean, they may not see it,
but they can feel it.
Looks like the king
and his method is dead.
Barry, take the chair.
Hey, but listen...
They just give you a chair
and they snatch it right back.
-I know, every once in a while...
-Have a great weekend.
You leave it out in the sun.
Barry, dude, you, oh my, don't do that.
You do that, you could've been a victim.
-I'm sorry, Kase.
-I'm sorry, I'm sorry.
I just came over here because
I feel like you should have this.
-You deserve it.
-Honestly, bro, I wasn't really trying.
You know what I mean? I had an
off day and it was a lot going on,
so you deserve that, you keep it, man.
Have a blessed day, Kasey.
Fuck, man.
Thirty minutes.
I just need 30 minutes, I need to get
this bonus for the weekend, please.
You already get the best leads
on the floor, what more do you want?
I can't tell.
The way I'm striking out out there.
There's something going on
with my sheets.
You had a bad day.
Liz, Liz.
Liz, I'm rather sure this wouldn't be
your first "adjustment."
You know what I'm talking about.
Latrice, last year,
I'm pretty sure
you helped her make quota, right?
Her kid had leukaemia.
Damn it, Liz, I got leukaemia!
I don't have leukaemia,
I don't have leukaemia.
You know, but I got something worse
than leukaemia, right?
I have a gigantic loan I gotta pay back,
or else I may lose something...
that I may never get back.
Liz, look at me, look at me.
Hey, hey, hey.
Right, I make one bundle sale, boom,
it'll put me over the top, and we're good.
No handouts,
let me go out there and do my thing.
Please.
-Sorry, Kasey.
-Fuck!
-Hey.
-Hey, hey babe, listen.
You're never gonna believe this, but,
the restaurant bumped
our reservation to 8:30.
Oh, damn. I was just leaving my place.
Yeah, I know, I know, that sucks.
But hey, look, when we get there,
I'm gonna give the manager
a stern talking-to.
Maybe they'll give us...
Maybe they'll comp dessert
or something like that.
It's cool, it's just 30 minutes,
we'll survive.
You know,
I've got a good feeling about this dinner.
-Oh, you do?
-I do.
So don't mess it up.
Come on, babe.
You know me.
Okay, you used to quit talking
before I could change my mind.
I can't hear a word you're saying
because I gotta go, bye.
Showtime.
Come on.
Where's those fucking call sheets?
Come on.
Oh, shit.
I swear to God,
don't you ever leave me again.
I missed you.
What do we got?
Okay. Let's get another one, Big Fred.
Time to get creative.
I know somebody forgot
they're on this stupid list.
Hello there. Oh, is this Kate Carpenter?
Yeah, this is Kasey at TeleWin.
Hello? Hello?
Fuck.
Shit, come on.
Hello, Reef. Reef, yeah.
I got a deal for you, man.
I shouldn't be calling you this late,
but, hello?
Shit, maybe a little too pervy.
Bingo. Instagram.
No, you strike me
as a Facebook type of individual
due to your advanced age.
Phil French. Bingo.
Phil French, Phil French.
Phil, Phil, Phil.
Phil, Phil, yeah, Phil French.
Hello?
Hey there, Asa.
Yeah, it's a voice out of the past.
Phil French from marching band,
how you doing, buddy?
Phil? Phil, is that really you?
Yeah, it's me.
Long time, eh?
You bet you it's been a while.
-Well, how are you, my man?
-Oh, me?
Well, I'm in the Valley.
Yeah, I'm in the Valley, you know.
I was thinking about old times,
and I thought I'd look you up.
You still playing that horn?
Oh, you damn right I am.
You can't pull my mouth off
of that horn if you tried.
I suck, I blow, I do it all.
I'm in the big band now.
You know, weddings, bar mitzvahs,
assisted suicides, the whole thing.
-Hey, don't I know it.
-Yeah.
Well, haven't you retired?
Well, I'll tell you this.
You know, I didn't work enough quarters
to get my Social Security,
then the bursitis started flaring up
again along with the gout
and what have you, and such, and so forth.
And so, now I'm over here selling cable.
Say, you wouldn't happen to be
in the marketplace for cable,
Internet, or phone?
Hell, the entire bundle.
I tell you what, you know,
I could hook you up
with a pretty sweet deal.
First three months,
hell, four months for free.
Oh, I'd love that.
You know, I've got a son who's looking
to break into your business,
that telemarketing thing that y'all do.
Which one do you work for?
TeleWin, Northridge.
Right up the block
from Tarzana, small town.
You know? But tell your son
he can call me here anytime.
I see. You know,
I'm still in the Valley myself.
Well, my son and I.
Like I said before, that's great,
he can call me here
whenever he feels the need to.
But let me take care of you.
Let's get you set up, huh?
We can go out and get that drink
and talk about old times
and all the loose women you used
to run through.
Now, Phil.
Let me ask you a question now.
How do they pay your commissions,
halos or Hail Marys?
-Come again?
-Maybe harps, asshole,
because Phil French,
you died five years ago
from alcoholic poisoning.
Buried in a rainstorm at Forest Lawn
like God was crying.
Like God was crying.
Yeah, I know, that was a sad time.
First off, asshole,
I'm on the do not fucking call list.
I've got a particular set of skills.
-Blah, blah, blah.
-Wherever you are.
Take it easy, cowboy, pull the saddle out.
Gotta go. Motherfucker.
God. Okay.
We're good, we're good, we're good.
Zachary Morris.
Zachary Morris.
Hello, Zachary Morris?
How you doing, mate?
Yeah, this is Kasey, over at...
Fuck, dumb ass.
Hello, you want cable? No? Fuck you. Shit.
I'm all of those things, yeah.
No, I cannot send you a videotape
of me shoving my hand up my own asshole.
Hello?
Hello, you like Internet? No?
Suck my dick.
Come on, Big Fred.
What the fuck is going on?
I got this, this is nothing, dude.
This is nothing, bro.
Hello, Genevieve?
It's that time of the month again.
Well, not like that, I mean...
Fuck, man. You've got to be kidding me.
I am a swan, and this is my pond.
I am a swan, and this is my pond.
Oh, my God, you look so stupid right now,
wow, this is amazing.
I'm channelling my chi.
-Jesus Christ.
-What are you still doing here?
Catching up on some late work,
but the power's out on our floor, so...
Well, it's a shit building, brother.
But maintenance is coming,
they'll be here in a minute.
That's good. I'm glad you're on it.
Self-love, baby.
Try it sometime.
Good, thank you.
Jesus Christ.
Hey, man, you Jim?
-Yes, sir.
-Okay.
So you got your stuff?
-Yeah.
-Follow me.
Following.
Hey, man. I'm a security enforcement
specialist, not a valet.
I can't hear you.
I am beautiful, I am kind, I am smart.
Hey, what is it you guys
do around here anyway?
-Telemarketing.
-No shit?
This is where they sell me Viagra.
Yeah, no Viagra here.
Well, not yet at least.
-Just, cable, Internet, phone, you know.
-Not that I need it.
Oh, fuck.
Oh, boy.
-Say, Jim, is it?
-Yes, sir.
Let me ask you something,
how's your Internet connection?
So-so.
So-so? That's not good.
TV, phone?
-Oh, I see what you're doing.
-It depends on if you're buying.
No, I don't really have time for the tube.
I'm just kind of tied up with this stuff.
Right. Speaking of which, how we looking?
You know...
I brought the wrong tool bag,
I'm gonna have to run back out to the van.
Okay, all right.
So, I mean, how long is that gonna be?
I have...
I got a date tonight.
-Oh, lucky fucker.
-Yeah.
About 10-15 minutes tops.
-I'll be right back.
-Okay.
10-15, 10-15.
Shit.
What the fuck?
Come on, dude...
Fuck.
Jesus.
What the fuck?
Big Fred?
No. Rise and shine.
Oh, shit.
Are you from the Payday Loan?
Hey.
Hey, man, look.
I can get you your money, I swear.
Just don't cut off my dick.
I'm Asa.
Asa Ellenbogen.
How you doing, Kasey Miller?
Or should I say, Phil French?
Oh, you've got to be fucking kidding me.
No, I'm not kidding you.
Where's the electrician?
Well, let's just say,
he probably won't be coming back.
Fuck.
Okay, give me my phone, dude.
-Where's my phone?
-Looking for this?
Shit!
More like a big old brick with a computer,
camera, Interwebs, what have you.
I'm gonna keep this in my pocket for you.
Okay.
Okay, man.
I don't know what kind of game
you're playing here,
but let's just call it even
and go our separate ways.
Go our separate ways?
We was just getting to know each other.
Unlike you, I'm a man of my word.
-Hey, look man, just listen.
-I wish I could say the same for you.
Look, I get it, I tried to sell you,
and that's on me, I'm so sorry about that.
But I was in a real bad position.
I was in a fucked-up spot.
I had to pay back this
Payday loan because I lost a contest.
Oh, well, that's a shame.
How about if you was to hook me up
with the cable-Internet-phone bundle,
free for life, would you win?
With the NFL Sunday Ticket included?
-I can't--
-Of course you can't!
You know, while you were sleeping,
I was thinking of all the fun ways
I could lay you off.
You know, when you hang around
this place long enough,
-you develop quite the active imagination.
-Yeah.
You ever imagine you'd be tied
to your office chair
with some old coot on disability
with a fucking gun to your head?
To be fair, death threats happen
all the time, it's a part of the job.
But no, this is the first time
that it actually--
Oh, first time someone actually did it?
Yeah. That about sums it up.
Hey, look, man, listen. About this
whole pretending to be your friend thing.
-My dead friend.
-Yeah.
Yup, because he's dead,
your dead friend thing
with the funny name.
-Phil French.
-Oh, he was adopted, jackass.
Yeah, I know, and for that I am so sorry,
about the adoption and everything.
I had nothing to do with the adoption,
but I'm sorry anyway.
-Are you now?
-Yeah, truly.
You know, my grandfather, he used to say,
this country was not built on--
Stop selling for once
in your goddamn life.
Do you know
how to have a normal conversation?
Well, damn it, Asa,
under normal circumstances, yes.
But this ain't exactly normal now, is it?
In fact, I'll have you know,
that people around this office,
they call me the king at conversations.
Yeah. Words are my tools.
-Yeah?
-Yeah.
Words are your sales tools.
I'm talking about real talk.
Here, now.
Let's start with a simple question.
-Why?
-Why what?
Why'd you do it, Kasey?
Look, I told you already. Come on, man.
I told you, I had to pay back
a debt, you know?
For what?
For a ring. An engagement ring.
This girl, she's the love of my life.
Am I supposed to feel all warm
and squishy inside?
Look, I tell you what,
let me just go to my car and I'll--
You ain't going nowhere.
Liar, liar.
Okay, hey. Hey, hey, look.
My monitor, my Instagram is up.
Just no B.S., no lies.
-Right there.
-Just hit a key? Where do I see it?
It's right there,
on the top corner right there.
Well, what am I looking at?
That's her. That's her, right there.
Well, ain't no mention of you.
Well, you know,
we like to keep our relationship low.
Like Jay-Z and Beyonc.
Bet when you found out they were together
you were amazed.
Well, lookie here.
In her status, it says she's single.
-Dang, is that what that says?
-That's what that says.
Single, ready to mingle.
Yeah, you see my point, though?
-I do. It's bullshit, that's the point.
-You see my point?
I don't know what that is.
Look, let's play a game.
-You like contests, Kasey?
-Fuck.
What kind of contests we talking?
Now, I'm gonna give you one hour
to apologise on behalf of yourself
and, well, all you wretched scum-sucking
telemarketing sales leeches,
to apologise to as many
of these people as you can.
You want me to call the people
on the do not call list
and apologise on behalf of the people
who made them want to be put
on the do not call list
in the first place?
And you didn't even take a note.
I don't think they'll be too receptive.
Which can be a problem
for people seeking forgiveness,
it's true, but that doesn't mean
you don't need to be forgiven, Kasey.
I guess.
You guess.
Well, don't you think that if you wronged
someone and you know it,
that you have to seek forgiveness?
That you have a responsibility?
Okay, man, now this is starting
to sound a lot like Sunday School,
and I hate Sunday School.
Sister Johnson was my teacher,
she had no legs,
she used to make me carry her around
like a backpack.
This is the night
of your redemption, Kasey.
If you can get just one person
to accept your apology...
then you can go home.
Now, you see, the choice is all yours.
Okay, what if they don't accept?
Well, then you can give my very best
to Phil French.
Let's get to dialling.
Oh, I'm so fucked.
I'm so fucked.
-Now.
-Okay, all right.
Oh, shit!
Goddamn it, man!
You son of a bitch, you shot Big Fred.
Apologies to Fred.
At least now he knows it's loaded.
All right, man.
-Speakerphone.
-Okay, okay.
Give it your best.
Yeah, who this?
Congratulations.
You have been personally selected
to receive a once-in-a-lifetime apology.
On behalf of myself as well as
all telemarketers around the whole globe.
We are deeply sorry
for all of our past transgressions.
-You tripping.
-So that's your approach?
Maybe I should just shoot you now,
put you out of your misery.
No, no, look, look.
To be fair, I'm not in my element.
And RIP Big Fred, you know what I mean?
I miss you, my nigga. I gotta get focused.
It's showtime, you motherfucker.
You ain't shit, yes I am.
-Dial.
-Okay, okay.
Hey, how you doing there Mrs. Goldfarb,
how's this evening treating you?
Fine. What is this about?
I want to apologise on behalf of myself
and all the telemarketers that
may have contacted you and called your
mobile or your home phone in the past.
Do you accept our apology?
-You've got to be kidding me.
-No, okay.
I'm not kidding you. Let's start there.
This is a very serious thing.
-Do you accept our apology?
-I'm hanging up now.
No, no, please, don't hang up.
Okay, I'm losing my thread here.
I want to give you something deep
and personal.
William, there's a creep on the phone.
You're in big trouble now, mister.
-Look here, you piece of shit.
-Fuck me.
I advise you to hang up now,
or I'm gonna shove my shotgun
down your throat and make an omelette
with your goddamn tonsils, you freak.
And I deserve that, sir.
I truly do deserve that.
You have yourself a blessed evening.
You know, my wife used
to get these kinds of calls,
but she was kinder than me.
She was too kind.
You know, she used to think about you kids
in places like this
trying to make ends meet.
Kind of made her a perfect prey
for the vultures.
You'd call her house,
you'd call her cell phone.
You'd sell, sell, sell and she'd
buy, buy, buy, and then we'd fight.
I'm sorry about that, sir.
No, you aren't.
What's your girlfriend's name again?
The one that says she's single?
That was just a misunderstanding,
we're actually together,
I just want to let you know that.
-Yeah? Christine.
-Her name is Christine.
Let's say a miracle were to happen,
and the two of you were to get hitched.
Now, if she bought a load of crap
every day on the phone,
would that be good for your marriage?
To be fair, she is her own woman,
and I wouldn't have a say in the matter.
But if she spent all your money.
Well, you know, psychologists
in this town makes a lot of money, so...
Now, I'm gonna give you one more chance
to answer my question.
Would you want your future wife
to buy a load of crap
from people like you?
No, sir, I would not.
Well, that's the first honest thing
you've said all night.
Goddamn it.
Listen, you're gonna get rid of this guy.
-Go get, get, get.
-Okay. Okay.
I swear to Christ,
if you fucking make a run for it,
I'll follow you down,
and I'll blow a hole
in your fucking spine.
If that cop comes this way,
I'll blow a hole in his spine.
Okay, fine,
so what should I tell him then?
Just tap into that active imagination.
Okay, I'll just lie to him.
Good evening.
I didn't see you there, this glass door.
We got a report about
a shot fired in the area. Heard anything?
-A shot fired?
-Yeah.
In this building?
Wow, it's such a peaceful
community building.
You know, no.
Oh, now I understand.
It must've been the cherry bomb.
Was it the cherry bomb?
-Cherry bomb?
-It was a cherry bomb, yeah.
You know it's not the 4th of July?
It's not the 4th of July, and I know that.
You know, we're telemarketers, right?
We work late sometimes,
and we play pranks on each other to build
the morale around the office, you know?
Yeah, we know.
-So who else is here?
-Oh, just me. I know what you're thinking.
I'm the team leader,
so they look up to me,
so when I'm here alone,
I still do the pranks to keep up.
You know what I mean?
-Yeah.
-Yeah.
-All right.
-Yeah.
Well, no more cherry bombs.
You got it. You know?
Hey, you guys sell Internet here, right?
Yes, we do.
My two teens are just obsessed
with goddamn online gaming.
Killing my bandwidth.
Think I need one of those fibre optics.
-Fibre optics.
-You guys got any special deals or...
I'm so sorry, sir,
your timing could not have been worse.
But you know something?
I'm sorry for that.
I'm sorry for your inconvenience.
In fact, I want to apologise on behalf
of all telemarketers, all over the world.
So do you forgive us?
-Sure. Sure whatever.
-All right.
-That is so great to hear.
-No more cherry bombs.
-No more cherry bombs.
-No more cherry bombs.
-I love you.
-That's weird.
-You heard, right?
-Yes, I did.
Okay, I apologised on behalf
of all telemarketers and he accepted.
Yeah, but it wasn't on the phone.
That's our arrangement.
-Come on, man.
-You wreak havoc on the phone,
-you make things right on the phone.
-Shit.
Excuse me?
I'm saying I gotta take a shit.
I've been backed up lately
and trying to eat my carrots...
Four minutes.
Really? You're timing my poops?
Three minutes.
Come on, dude, I'm backed up,
I don't know how long it's gonna...
This is some unconstitutional shit,
literally. Okay?
Hey, mind if I use your phone?
Oh, yeah, go ahead, man.
Just dial 9 at the desk.
You can't call Mexico,
sometimes it gets a little wonky.
I mean the one in your pocket.
My pocket?
What?
Oh, my God, that's crazy.
Two minutes, 45 seconds.
Shit, okay.
Okay. Okay.
What would Bruce Willis do?
Oh, shit.
Clock's ticking, Kasey!
Yeah, I'm... It's something I ate, man.
Fuck, Kasey.
Don't make me come in there
and shoot you while you're shitting!
Kasey!
Yeah.
Okay.
It's bad in there.
-Get.
-I had to wipe from front to back.
Oh, good for you.
What you looking at?
This bullshit.
Looks like you all want to be
the next Big Red, don't you?
Fred, it's Big Fred.
Was he good?
They say he sold
the downtown Marriott, so...
Well, that must've been some commission.
Yeah, and they didn't pay him
in halos either.
-Looks like Barry is the next Fred.
-No.
That's beginner's luck, unfortunately.
Well, now,
if it had have happened like that,
we'd have never met.
Hello, Ms. Daniels.
She hung up.
All right, loser, dial another.
Come on, Asa.
Really? How much longer we doing this for?
That attitude will get you fired.
You don't get it, man.
-This isn't me, I don't really do this.
-Do what?
You know, call up people
and pretend to be their dead friend,
-you don't understand.
-No, I understand perfectly.
You want to buy a ring for a girl
who doesn't want to put
your goddamn name on her Snapperface.
Now, oh, and keep it on speakerphone.
No more gimmicks, no more lies. Come on.
Dial. Wait.
-Message from Christine.
-Really?
"You are the worst person ever
for not calling me back.
Never call me again.
In fact, you can erase my number."
Snap, crackle, pop.
She said-- She wrote all that?
Indeed. I guess Bey-Z 2.0 ended after all.
Okay, look.
Keep me locked up. That's fine.
I need to text her back,
because if I don't text her back,
she'll think something's wrong, and it is,
you're trying to kill me, you know, so...
We'll probably just
prolong the inevitable, you know.
Seen it all too often,
see how guys like you end up.
Alone, nothing but your lies.
Why don't you go ahead and dial?
Put a smile on.
-Hello?
-Hello, ma'am.
I'm calling on behalf
of telemarketers everywhere.
Kasey, is that you?
Yes, it is.
Your voice sounds different,
but I recognised the number.
I never did get my Rick James wig.
Mrs. Hanks, hi.
Yeah, about that, I am so sorry.
Sorry?
Young man, I think I owe you an apology
for that video that's been going around.
That granddaughter of mine
is too darn overprotective,
watches me like a hawk.
Hell, I'm surprised you were
able to call me on this old line
since you put me on that,
what's it called?
The do not call list.
Yeah, that's the one.
I'm glad you did anyways.
You're helping to keep America safe.
Such a sweet young man.
I was hoping to get a chance to see you.
Thank you, you're sweet too.
Listen, I...
The reason I'm calling is because I...
The reason I'm calling is...
Actually, ma'am,
I'm just calling to say hi.
Well, thank you, Kasey.
Thank you, ma'am.
You have a good night.
Well, you have a great night too.
Okay, bye-bye.
Bye.
Well, ain't that something, Kasey Miller.
I have never witnessed
something so genuinely touching.
So genuinely heartfelt.
And yet somehow so thoroughly disgusting.
In all my days, I mean,
taking advantage of a little old lady?
You are some piece of work.
I'm hungry, where the hell's the kitchen?
In the back.
I hope you like Red Vines and Kit Kats.
Yeah, whatever.
No funny business, I'll be right back.
Can you bring me back a Fresca?
Well, there.
Fuck.
Shit.
Fuck.
Fats! They're trying to assassinate me!
Found another tool.
Wild guess.
You're not the maintenance guy.
Gold star for you.
My dad texted you.
Said he was gonna kill you?
You didn't text back, that's rude.
-Now you're running off on him?
-Is it too late to text him back now?
Oh, yeah, come on.
-Okay.
-U-turn.
I can hit him back right now.
I'll hit him back right now.
I'll send like funny emojis,
I got a few gifs.
-Is it gifs or is it jifs?
-The time for that is gone.
Now, you shouldn't
have run off like that, Kasey.
Just when I was warming up to you.
I see you met my son.
Yeah.
You said he can get a job here.
Remember that, Phil French?
Right.
I say we go big on this one, Dad.
Let's take him to the boat.
Gut him like a fish, dump him in the bay.
He's a telemarketer.
Yeah, maybe that's where we end up at.
I don't know.
I say we give him
one last chance at redemption.
Redemption?
Yes, redemption.
To show us he's learned his lesson.
Now, that sounds like
a get out of jail free card.
Where was my redemption last month
when I was locked up in county?
Remember, parole violation?
You wouldn't bail me out!
No, no, no!
You needed to be taught a lesson,
just like Kasey,
and that's what we call deterrence theory.
Fear of extreme measures taken to prevent
the reoccurrence of a particular offence.
But if we kill him now,
wouldn't that prevent
a recurrence of an offence?
Well, yes it would,
but if we take his life,
I want to be sure we had no choice.
Okay, I'm so sorry about this,
I hate to interrupt such a strong
and warm family moment.
However, Dean, if you kill me,
that is in direct violation
of your parole.
-You saying you gonna snitch me out?
-Man, I can't snitch if I'm dead.
-Now, son, son, son.
-Okay.
What'd you do that for?
You're a fucking hothead
with nothing but bricks for brains.
That's how you got caught.
I got caught
because of that bitch ass snitch!
A snitch you aligned yourself with--
Yeah, I aligned this
to his fucking dome, bam!
-Allegedly.
-I didn't hear nothing.
-Hold the phone.
-That's right.
What? What?
What's this here, on the Face what's its?
-What is it? The Face what's it?
-Who's calling you?
Yo, what's up bitches?
Drunkards.
-Drunkards.
-And naked womens.
Yeah, that's what it looks like.
-That's a labia, right there.
-Where are you?
Yeah, that's definitely a labia.
-Barry wants an encore!
-Oh, no.
I'm practically engaged.
He leads a Sunday School choir
when he's not at the strip club
and slapping them cheeks.
Come back when you're practically married.
-Yeah!
-Yeah!
That brings back some memories.
Yeah, you mean the time you was banned?
Come on, like I'm the first guy to use
a counterfeit 20 for a lap dance?
That's actually pretty genius.
-Yeah, you like that?
-Enough!
Keep your eye on him,
my blood sugar's going to shit.
Pretty good.
Let me ask you. Are you up to speed
with what your dad's doing?
-Totally.
-Really?
Because all of this for a damn apology
seems a bit much, right?
-I can hear you.
-Shit.
I suggest you make calls.
-Dad, how long am I supposed to give him?
-30 minutes!
So better start dialling.
My hands are tied, literally, so...
Just one hand.
-Don't try anything.
-I won't, I just... Come on.
All right. Jesus.
Son of a bitch.
Okay, now cut the other one loose.
-No? All right, that's fair.
-You think I'm stupid?
Is that a trick question?
I'm so-- It's really hard.
-As you can see, this is such...
-Yeah, you have to figure it out.
You're supposed to be good at this.
There we go, let me just...
-There you go, perfect.
-You're making this complicated for us.
-You look good though.
-Thank you.
That gun is making me
very nervous, man, I'm just saying.
-Dial faster. Go.
-Okay.
My pops really knows how to hold a grudge.
I'm right there with you.
-I survived my dad, and phew, yeah.
-He a hard ass?
Oh, you have no idea.
You know, he started out as a prosecutor,
and now he's a judge, you know.
If I even blink in the wrong direction,
I'm sweating bullets.
-No shit?
-No shit.
And he wants you
to follow in his footsteps?
Well, I don't think
I'd do too well in court.
Neither would I.
Yeah, I didn't.
-I know. You've made some mistakes.
-Yeah.
-Just a couple.
-Yeah.
You know, for me,
telemarketing is just a job.
I'm good at it, so... Law school
didn't work out, and now here I am.
You know, look, I get it.
You got a job to do here.
So I'm willing to bet
that we can overlook all of your
past transgressions, all the felonies,
the murders,
the rapes probably I'm assuming,
the kidnaps, things like that.
-You know what I'm saying?
-I don't know.
Yeah, me either.
Hell, you can be an axe murderer.
As long as you can sell, you're hired.
Shit, I'll help you hide the axe.
What axe?
I know. I ain't seen shit.
You are good.
And I'm no salesman.
You sure ain't the maintenance,
but you could've fooled me.
I hate telemarketers.
-I want to kill telemarketers.
-Is that right?
If I was a telemarketer,
I'd have to kill myself.
And I don't want to kill myself. Not yet.
When the time comes.
-You'll be ready. Yeah.
-Yeah.
You know I was this close to becoming
top salesman of the month tonight?
This close.
And I was gonna take
my girl out and celebrate,
and pretend to like salmon
as much as I like steak,
and she would call me out
because she's the only one
that can see through my bullshit.
Then we'd laugh, and then I'd propose.
Does she know?
Kasey, if you just told my dad the truth,
he would've bought the stupid triple play.
He's a romantic at heart.
He would've understood.
She would've gotten that ring,
you would've gotten that bonus,
and dad would've cancelled after a month,
so everybody would've won.
Woulda, shoulda, coulda.
You got a picture of that lady?
Yeah, actually on my phone.
-Of course.
-Yeah.
-You better do that.
-Be careful, now.
One look at her, premature ejaculation.
-It happens to me all the time.
-Let's put it to the test.
Oh, Kasey.
-She's a hottie.
-Yes, sir.
-You need a towel?
-Yeah, in a couple minutes.
You love her?
More than anything.
You know what?
I'm gonna show this to my dad,
and talk to him about this.
You serious?
Yeah, he loved my mom.
He might understand this.
-Fuck, man, that would be great.
-Your little love story.
-Oh, come on. This is great.
-Yeah.
Great, yeah.
Just gotta promise me one thing.
Don't try and escape.
Really?
How about this.
There's a headset, right over there.
Grab that, I'll still make calls,
you can listen the whole time.
-This one?
-That right there.
That's the only one there,
so it had to be that one.
Oh, my God.
When did Superman become a telemarketer?
Damn it, you look natural.
You look good.
-Right.
-This is your desk here.
-I'm gonna go talk to my dad.
-Talk to your daddy.
Talk to that motherfucker.
Fuck being a telemarketer,
you're about to be a model, huh?
Pops.
Check this out.
That's his girlfriend.
What are you doing
with his goddamn phone?
He gave it to me.
Looking all good.
I don't know who I like more,
my girl or you, you pretty motherfucker.
Blue eyes, looking all coloniser and shit.
Oh, shit.
Yeah, there's more.
Hold on.
-Hey!
-Yeah?
-Keep dialling!
-Yeah!
-Work the phones, Kasey!
-Gotcha!
Just out here trying to save my life, man!
Y'all know how it is.
It's a Thursday for y'all, you know.
-Hello?
-Good evening, Mr. Wilson.
Who is this?
Sir, you don't know me,
but I work for TeleWin.
Are you a telemarketer?
Yes, sir, I am.
I am. But, I know it's late,
but please don't hang up.
Now first, I just want to say I'm sorry
for my conduct
on behalf of all the telemarketers.
I might get a photo.
-Mr. Wilson?
-Is this some kind of a joke?
No, sir, I assure you, this is no joke.
In fact, I'm not trying
to sell you anything.
-Get one with me in it.
-Okay, yeah.
Sir, I've been a shit person, okay?
Now, I ask that you
please accept my apology.
Please.
I swear, if I ever dropped
a fake 20 on a lap dance with her,
you have permission to shoot me. What?
You shouldn't be
dropping fake 20s on no one.
You gotta be shitting me.
No, sir, I'm not shitting you, I'm not.
You're not shitting me.
Okay, I guess.
Okay? I'm so sorry, sir,
can you please repeat that?
Are you deaf? I just said okay.
Yes! Yes, you hear that?
He said okay!
He said okay!
Fuck, yes, sir.
-What the hell is going on here?
-Thank you.
God bless you, sir.
God bless your kids,
God bless your grandkids.
Even if they have fucking weird names
like Sunflower and Woody,
or some bullshit like that. Thank you!
Suck my dick!
-They don't call me the king for nothing.
-What?
"What?" The fuck you mean what?
You were listening.
I didn't hear anything.
On the fucking-- I gave you the headset!
I didn't hear a damn thing!
Are you calling me a liar?
No, well, fuck it, give it to me.
What do you mean you didn't hear it?
You didn't turn it on, man.
I fucking had it.
I fucking had it, man! I fucking had it!
Well...
I mean, if an apology's made in the forest
and there's no one to hear it,
-then...
-We're not in the forest, pops.
I'll explain it to you later, son.
Go on, do another.
Oh, now, don't tell me you's a quitter.
Where's that relentless bravado,
that mighty perseverance?
I have no idea, man, out to lunch.
Fucking gone.
Come on, now.
Fuck.
Dean likes you.
I want you to make a good impression.
Now, go on, give it another go.
I'm gonna be paying
for that stripper's dry cleaning.
And the $150 room bill,
but you know, happens to the best of us.
What the hell, Kasey?
What in the H-E double hockey sticks
are you still doing here, buddy?
Barry, Christine.
It's so good to see you both. What's up?
What's up is,
I met this sweet little tenderoni outside.
At the strip club?
-Yeah.
-No.
Outside.
You bailed on dinner, and didn't text me.
It's not like you.
Oh, you know,
I've just kind of been tied up.
Oh, well, I would say you left her hanging
like an iguana in the Sahara Desert.
No.
Okay, well, you're not dead or cheating.
So, what's up?
Barry, man, what are you doing here?
You should probably go.
-I want you to have this.
-Barry, come on, bro.
-Barry.
-No, no, listen.
It's only right, okay?
I came all the way here,
and I was gonna put
a nice little sticky note on it.
But here you are. So, I mean, I guess
the surprise factor is kind of kaput.
Yeah, I guess you can say
I'm done with surprises for tonight.
-Aren't we all?
-Babe, I messed up.
I came to work today,
I'll catch up on some sales,
and then I guess
I got caught up, I messed up.
As usual.
Baby, you should go.
You know, this ain't for me anymore,
I'm an asshole, so...
No, you're not an asshole.
You treat everything in your life
like it's a sale to be made,
which is really fucking annoying.
But you always call, okay?
That's what I love about you,
you always call.
Okay, we're gonna go. Yeah.
-No. Barry, let's go.
-Wait, no.
I want to leave this for the guru.
Barry, we need to go. Barry!
Hey. Hey, don't you
fucking touch her, man!
-Oh, my God!
-Hey!
Asa. Hey, hey.
This is going way too far, man.
Oh, says the man who spews bullshit
all day to innocent people.
The man who pretends to be my dead friend
in order to sell a triple play!
Yeah, sure, Asa.
I pretended to be
your dead friend to make a sale.
Have you never been lied to before?
Let me ask you something, Asa.
You remember watching
TV commercials as a kid, right?
You don't think they lied
to get you to buy the toy you wanted?
You get home,
and you get your Rock'em Sock'em Robot
or whatever it is, fresh out the box.
And you look at it,
and it don't quite look,
or feel, or work the way it does on TV.
I'm pretty sure you didn't go
to Mattel headquarters with a .44
and light up the customer service rep.
How about a little perspective here, Asa?
This is the free market at work, man!
This is what our country was founded on!
-Damn it, this is America!
-Sit the fuck down.
Just so I'm clear,
this is over some silly sales call?
-Shut up.
-A silly sales call?
I don't think so.
I think we have some idea, Asa.
Your wife used to get
called by telemarketers,
and then you two would fight about it,
and it made you mad.
My wife died because of it.
I told her...
Don't ever talk and drive.
But she wouldn't listen.
The last call she ever took
was from one of you guys.
She lost control of the wheel.
When some asshole like you...
was selling her car insurance!
I asked the FDC
to put me on the do not call list
out of respect for her memory.
-Right, son?
-That's right.
You know, the head of the agency,
the woman appointed by the goddamn
president of the United States,
she called me personally.
Personally, she swore to me,
up and down, left and right.
"They will never call you again.
Not once, not twice, not ever."
Guess I shoulda known better.
Shouldn't have used
that DNC list, asshole.
Dang it.
Must've dozed off there.
Oh, my God, I've never had to shit so bad.
Wait. Did I miss something?
-Quite a lot. Join our discussion.
-What's going on?
You two work together, right?
-Yeah.
-Know why he's here?
I figured he stayed behind
to try to make another call.
And if he made it,
he would report it
to corporate claiming...
-he won the $3,000.
-Bingo.
Must make your blood boil, right?
-No.
-No?
No. Actually, I feel relieved.
I don't feel so bad about
switching his call sheet with Justin's.
You did what?
Hold on. So let me get this straight.
You cheat, and then all this happens?
You have no idea
what I've been through today!
Law of the land. Remember?
All I did was level the playing field.
And you have no position to be
calling anybody in here unethical
when you're the one who got kicked out
of USC's law school for cheating.
Oh, my God,
I've been wanting to say that all day.
Oh, my God.
Say it isn't so.
I mean, he's drunk.
I know all about it, okay?
Your assistant dean, she told me about it.
We're in the same church choir.
And the church says amen.
-You told me you dropped out.
-Baby, I'm-- Thank you.
Thank you very much, Barry.
Kasey, your buddy just sold you out.
-Hey, pops.
-Yeah, son?
What were you telling me about deterrence?
Deterrence theory.
Deterrence theory, yeah.
Barry, I learned something today.
The use of extreme actions to prevent
the reoccurrence of a specific action.
-Spot-on, son.
-Yeah.
Kasey, do you know the one thing
I detest more than telemarketers?
A snitch?
Gold star for you.
Fuck me!
What the fuck, man!
Oh, my God!
You know, that's a clean hole.
Would you go clean that up for us?
-Me?
-Yes, please.
Go on over. Go on, clean it up.
Grab the...
Yeah, grab the...
How long do you think he's got?
I don't know. I mean, I'm trying to be
a psychologist, not a doctor.
-Put your hands on it. Yeah.
-Isn't this perfect?
Now, his life is in your hands.
Okay, look,
just let Barry and Christine go. Okay?
You can lock me in your basement,
give me your phone.
I'll make as many calls as you want,
apologise to as many people
-as you want for the rest of my life.
-Now, that would be going too far.
I mean, plus the train set's down there,
and Dean's man cave.
-Yeah.
-All we need is one apology accepted.
Here, now, for all to hear. Now, come on.
Go on, just get your do not call list,
and you best get to dialling
before you all get clocked out.
Okay.
Seeing as how this
could potentially be my very last call...
-I'm gonna need a cup of coffee.
-No.
Hey, now.
It's my pre last call ritual, you know.
Every time I make my final call,
I need to have one cup of coffee
from my signature toilet bowl mug.
Ain't that right, rookie?
Yeah, as long as I've been here.
-Oh, Christ.
-Stop.
Jesus Christ.
Yeah.
Why don't you get the fucking coffee?
You don't strike me as someone
who would drink out of the toilet.
I mean, he's full of shit, so...
You know, I tried it once,
sold a triple play,
so I'm not one to argue with success.
Here's your goddamn coffee.
Go ahead, take your ritualistic sip.
This here is your last call.
If this doesn't work, you're going
on a boat ride with me and Dean.
Dial.
Yes?
Hello, sir, it's Kasey.
Yes, Kasey?
It's late, I'm surprised you're still up.
-Just reading some motions.
-Of course you are.
Did you need something?
Yeah, I was just...
You know, I've been...
just been meaning
to talk to you, you know.
I already got Internet, thank you.
Okay, yeah, I guess I deserve that.
But no, there's something I've been
meaning to speak with you about.
I got cable and phone too.
I'm not... Look, sir, I'm not selling.
I didn't know that was possible.
Sir, please, I just wanted to apologise.
-I didn't know that was possible either.
-Come on.
Go on, I'm listening.
I just wanted to say...
I'm sorry.
I'm sorry for this dirty business I'm in.
And the pain it must cause people.
And that includes you.
I guess when you think about it, I just,
was never really good
at anything, you know?
Sports, school, none of it.
But here, I'm good.
I'm real good, you know?
I can do what I want,
can come and go as I please,
and nobody calls me out on it.
Almost no one.
Compared to law school,
this place is amazing.
You see, in class...
In class I would just lie
and cheat my way through everything.
And it worked for a little while,
but then you get kicked out.
And then you end up here.
You see, here I can meet people,
I get to know them,
and right when I got them
where I want them, I sell them.
And I sell them, and I sell them.
The bullshit works.
It works here.
In fact, they encourage it, you know?
So much so that corporate, you know,
corporate is starting
to call it the Kasey Method.
Can you believe that?
They named something after me,
the Kasey Method.
I lie and I cheat people,
and they pat me on the back for it.
I don't like me because of it.
And I know
I'm not the man you want me to be,
I didn't go down the path
you wanted me to go down.
For that, I'm sorry.
I truly am, I am very sorry.
So...
what do you say?
Do you accept my apology, Dad?
Oh, and there's somebody
I would really like for you to meet.
So, depending on your answer,
I think we should all hang out.
I think you would
really like her, you know?
You know, son,
I'm really happy you called.
Of course I forgive you.
No!
Baby, call 911. Call 911, right now!
No!
I'm not going back to jail!
Shut up, you goddamn...
-Thanks for the mug, rookie.
-I try.
Since we're in apologies mode,
I'm sorry there's a hole
in your leg right now.
It's not your fault, it's his.
Oh, no, please, I'm sorry. I'm sorry!
Oh, shit!
Apology accepted.
Baby, I'm sorry I'm an asshole.
I'm sorry I stood you up, you know?
-I'm sorry.
-We can do this later.
Apologies all around.
Everybody gets an apology.
I too am sorry for not
shooting you in the goddamn head
when I first laid eyes on you.
Hold this.
Asa.
I know you got a raw deal.
Losing the love of your life,
and how that must be
affecting you and Dean.
I'm not gonna pretend to imagine
what that must feel like.
And if I could go back in time,
I would really change
your circumstance, man, I really would.
I'm sad about your wife, Asa,
and the role this fucked-up
telemarketing culture played in it.
Damn it, Asa, I'm sorry, man. I really am.
Kasey Miller.
That's all I ever wanted from you.
Was for you to take a good,
deep, long look at yourself.
I know it wasn't easy.
I'm proud of you.
I'm gonna accept your apology.
I do.
It still wasn't on the phone though.
-You've got to be kidding me.
-Come on, I'm dying over here.
-Let's get you taken care of.
-Take this, I don't want this.
-You sure?
-Yes.
-Because I can kill them right now.
-What? No.
I'm just saying,
he's been talking so much shit.
That's a pretty house.
Are you okay?
No, I'm good. I just...
I just...
It doesn't feel right, you know?
-Yeah, but you wanted to do this.
-No, I do, I just...
I can't help but feel silly.
But you'll feel better.
And besides, silly is your middle name.
Silly is my middle name.
So wise.
-Okay.
-Yeah.
Mrs. Hanks!
Bring your ass outside!
I just don't think I can go on.
Patricia, listen to my voice.
I'm here for you.
Now, let's just breathe
and weigh our options.
What difference would options make?
After 20 years, he left me.
Twenty long years, bastard.
We've talked about him already, okay?
He hurt you, he tore your heart out,
and Patricia,
that thing with the border collie,
damn it, Patricia, I was in tears for you.
But what do we really know?
We know that it's okay to hurt sometimes.
We also know that he's making
no more decisions for you.
I made up my mind, I'm hanging up.
Patricia, you wait.
You don't hang up that phone.
Patricia, just stay with me.
Please.
Please.
-Patricia?
-I'm still here.
Okay, that's good.
Patricia, that's real good, okay?
I'm already seeing some growth.
Now here's the thing, Patricia.
I'm offering help, if you want it.
Because we all need help sometimes.
You know what, fuck it.
Give me the full package.
Platinum Triple Play, HBO,
Starz, phone, Internet, all of it.
I am so proud of you.
You've already shown so much growth.
I'm gonna go ahead,
I'll put those numbers in.
-Great. Are you ready for my card number?
-Absolutely.
We will be in touch.
-Oh, well I really appreciate--
-All right now.
That is what you call a first ballot
hall of fame performance.
-Let's get another one, Big Fred.
-I understand, Ms. Wise.
These times are hard on all of us.
Internet and cable
are kind of expensive bills,
-especially when you have--
-No.
Like my mama say,
I shall keep you in my prayers, Mrs.--
Mrs. Wise. And I pray that you recognise
your freely-given faith.
And right here, right now,
start living in a life of abundance,
and enjoying a life of prosperity.
And the best way to exorcise that almighty
faith is to try my service today.
God bless you.
You like porn? We got porn.
-What kind of porn we talking about?
-Oh, my corporate number, yeah.
It's 1-800-FUCK-YOU.
You want me to add you
to the do not call list?
Shit. I mean, shit, I mean, please.
I just don't think that's a good idea.
Kasey. Thanks.
But that lady might not be able
to afford our package.
We should do no evil.
Man, you know what? That is so crazy that
you think that I care, because I don't.
After the sale, bro, it's out of my hands.
Can't say I disagree there.
Yeah, unless she wants
that private dick-stillation.
-Bow, bow, bow--
-Get it, get it, get it.
Gentlemen, gentlemen, gentlemen.
Yeah, I hurt myself a little bit.
Her home's in foreclosure.
That's unfortunate for her.
You know, because what they're gonna do
is they're gonna remove her from her home
and leave all that good entertainment
in the house for somebody else, you know?
All right.
Last day of the sales period, shit-heads.
Let's focus on the three
necessities of life.
Phone, cable, Internet.
It's just that simple.
Nice work.
But that Patricia lady, 22 minutes.
You going soft on me, king?
I got the sale.
And her life story.
And the sale. Listen, Liz,
your boys are running out of gas,
it's embarrassing, really.
May I remind you, 3 grand is at stake.
Six hours until end of business.
Still anyone's ballgame.
All right, let's see where we're at.
-Call them out.
-Almost had a triple.
And I almost cared.
Who else besides Kasey?
Double play. Cable and Internet.
Yeah. I hate to be that guy,
but I closed that one, Liz,
so go ahead and add that to mine,
plus two other triple plays.
-Love it.
-Yeah, sorry rookie,
it's the law of the land.
Remember, winner not only takes
our largest commission to date,
but also the throne chair.
-And whoever ends up in last place...
-Justin.
-Fuck off.
-Eat shit, asshole.
That means you are the lowlife loser
who will be given the shittiest sales list
you've ever seen.
Hell, if it were legal,
I'd give you the worst list.
The do not call list.
And for anyone whose target asks
to be put on the do not call list,
I'll subtract one of their miserable,
sorry ass sales.
Now, has anyone asked
to be put on that list?
Because I don't lie, okay? I never lie.
I'm a good person, I visit my grandma.
Shut up.
Now everyone can
just shut their pie-holes,
because I got a call
from corporate earlier.
They're on their way here as we speak
for an all-hands-on-deck meeting.
I have a very comfortable lead,
so I'm gonna take this as my cue to leave.
The meeting's kind of a big deal,
got some suits flying in from Houston.
Oh, Houston, lovely city,
love the Rockets.
-Tell them I said what up.
-Kasey.
I can't hear you.
Ladies, ladies, please.
No, don't get up,
I couldn't trouble you to do so.
I was just on my lunch break
in the neighbourhood,
and I thought to myself, huh,
who could use some roses?
Oh, I know.
The ladies at the Wave Hair Salon.
-Here you go.
-Is he crazy?
-For you.
-Crazy.
-Anyway, that's for you.
-Thank you.
Yeah. Shelly, Shelly, Shelly.
I'm just surprised it's not dripping
in snake oil.
You'll kill these flowers.
And one final rose
for a very special lady.
Two years of emotional torture,
a single rose doesn't seem quite right.
Well, I got two, technically.
So it's one step closer
to getting you back.
Look, is there any way
we can talk in private now?
Just a minute, without inmate number one.
Okay, Ms. Gordon?
I'm gonna give him his minute,
or else he won't leave.
Trust me, it's just better for everyone,
and I'll...
Okay, I understand.
But if you need some backup, just holler.
Because baby, I don't mind taking off
the earrings to put some Vaseline on you.
Don't have flashbacks
of your strip club days.
-What?
-I love you.
-I love you.
-I love you too, sugar.
Honestly, I don't wanna be
the one to say it,
but I don't think this
is the environment for you.
Look, I'm almost done with my master's
in psych, and unlike you,
I don't have a father footing the bill.
In there is real life,
and I've been waiting
for you to join me here.
Like, in the salon?
Baby, I can't work here.
-Don't be stupid.
-Okay, I'm sorry.
But, you know,
I'm trying here, I really am.
Do you want a cookie
for being a smooth talker?
It depends on the type of cookie.
Okay, seriously.
That was the last joke.
But I'm serious, that's why I'm here.
Okay? I want what you want,
I want what we want.
You always say the right thing,
but I'm not your customer, okay?
If you can't be open and honest
with me all of the time,
then there is no "we."
Hell, I haven't even met
all of your family yet.
I keep saying,
you don't want to meet my dad.
-I'm a family person.
-Hey, I am too.
Very important to me,
and I'm being for real about that.
Well then, prove it.
And don't you dare try to sell me.
Well, let me, okay.
Let me just sell you one last time
on dinner tonight.
All right, no hustles, no pickup lines,
just you, me, two fine steaks.
We gave up red meat.
We did, and I know, I remember.
I didn't know if you had gone back
since the breakup,
which is why I chose a place
with very fine aquatic selections.
You know what I mean? Salmon, right?
God invented that. Leafy greens?
Gotta have my fibre intake, you know,
because I stay backed up sometimes.
-Stop.
-Really gotta keep it moving, you know?
Look, there is this new French place
on 5th I've been wanting to try, so...
Boom. I'm gonna leave right now
before you change your mind.
-I can't hear.
-You can read my lips.
-I can read your lips.
-What am I saying?
-Salmon and sex?
-What time...
-That's not what I said.
-That's what it sounds like.
-Sex and salmon.
-Goodbye.
And not in that order.
Right, so, okay.
Just to clarify, 8 p.m.,
a quiet table, with a view.
Right. Thanks, Dana.
Hey, let me ask you something.
I'm not doing too much, am I?
You know, I mean,
there's a lot riding on this date.
Oh, no, I trust your taste,
it was, you know...
Right. All right, thanks, Dana.
Showtime.
-Fats, my man.
-Hey, Kasey.
How's that Sunday Ticket treating you?
Man, I ain't miss a game
all preseason, baby.
Hey, call me when you want
that landline, all right?
Cell phones for the bros, landlines...
Is for the other bros, because we both
know you ain't getting no bitches.
This is the only bitch I need, playa.
My man.
-Yes, I can! You're the shittiest...
-I ain't messing with that,
that's all you.
-That chick is a wild one.
-Oh, my God.
That's good.
You just have it out for me
because I'm short.
-Oh, because you're short?
-Yeah.
No, because you don't know how to sell.
You are useless, go!
-Can you get him out of here?
-You know what? You can suck my shit.
I am gonna come back here
and bite everybody's dick off.
Okay, go back to Jersey,
Justin, make your mama happy.
Yeah, you come to New Jersey,
-you see what we do to you.
-Okay.
I'll bury you in the sand in the shore!
Yup. You, my office.
You know, Mrs. Hanks, what it is,
Russia's gonna start tapping
all American cell phones very soon.
-My Lord.
-Do yourself a favour
and add our phone package today.
It's the only way to stay safe from Putin.
I'm listening, but that's not me.
I know it sounds like me,
but that's not me, you know.
-No?
-A lot of people...
Russian spyware, you know what I mean?
They can make you sound like anybody.
You listen to Joe Rogan podcasts?
-No.
-Oh, you'll see,
maybe you should start, educate yourself.
You know, before you bring
on these accusations.
Sorry, Justin.
We must show patriotism
by honouring a true American icon.
I told a deception.
I shouldn't have told a deception.
I know, and I've learned from it,
and I've grown, really.
-I've grown from it. Yeah.
-You have?
I've learned my lesson.
-Today is a new day. For me.
-Okay.
Any idea who that man might be?
-Mr. Rogers?
-Not Rogers, ma'am.
-James, Rick James.
-Rick James?
That's right, Rick James.
The one and only founding father
of "Super Freaks."
-Super what?
-It sounds like I haven't grown
when you play it back.
-Yeah.
-Our wonderful Triple Play package.
Someone will personally hand-deliver
a one of a kind
Rick James wig right to your doorstep.
Oh, my, that would be nice.
I bet my granddaughter would want one too.
-Rick James.
-Kinda funny.
I'd been listening to some "Super Freak"
on the car ride.
-Creative.
-Yeah.
Already over 100,000 views,
and you've mentioned the company's name.
Corporate fucking loved it.
Wait, so they're not upset?
Upset? They nearly jizzed
their double-pleated slacks
at the social media exposure
and potential revenue.
-And with you being top salesman.
-I am.
They demanded that the entire floor adopts
the Kasey Method.
The Kasey Method.
Yeah.
Check out the front row.
Hi, yes, this is Barry calling you
from TeleWin.
Yeah.
Actually, you know, when my pastor was 20,
he cared what everybody thought about him.
When he turned 40, he didn't care
what nobody thought about him.
But when he turned 60,
he realised nobody cared
what they thought about him.
So, what I'm trying to say is,
ma'am, you shouldn't care,
you should buy one of these packages.
Yes, okay.
I like my coffee like I like my men.
I don't, because I like girls.
And everybody around here knows it.
Why are you in my chair?
I'm sorry,
I just thought you wouldn't mind--
"Sorry, Kasey."
You thought I wouldn't mind?
Is that bow tie cutting off
the circulation to your brain?
I guess I just wanted to channel
the master, that's all.
-But hey--
-Hey, hey, hey.
It's not about the chair.
The chair don't make the man.
Because no matter how long you sit
in this chair,
you will always be second place.
But not just to me, God hates you.
I like how you got my chair,
but couldn't...
Couldn't make the switch, could you?
This is something
you can relate to, Barry?
You know what I mean? Everybody standing
around watching like this is a music show.
Is that my mocha choca king sitting
in a regular ass chair?
Well, I'm just feeling
generous today, gentlemen, that's it.
Then why the Payday Loan?
What, they called you?
Asked a bunch of weird questions.
Like your nipple shape.
I said Africa, I kept it safe.
-That's accurate.
-Right there.
My man.
You told them I was a good dude?
Of course I did.
You know what I'm saying?
-Right there.
-I said you had great taste in music.
You said that? Look, anyway,
I just have a very special purchase
I had to make.
These loan companies
don't fuck around though, man.
My uncle, he almost lost his left nut
because he defaulted on a payment.
Bro, could you imagine making
a Sophie's Choice with your nutsack?
It's like left truffle, right truffle.
As long as I cash out
by tonight as planned,
me and my truffles are perfectly fine.
I love truffles.
Y'all thought process puzzles me.
I'll sign you up
for the package right now.
Holy shit.
Man, look at the scoreboard.
-Yes, ma'am.
-That's real cute.
Real cute, rookie.
Let's go get another one, Big Fred.
This is Barry calling from TeleWin,
and I'm trying to upgrade you now.
I like to shoot straight.
Better cable service while he's gone,
fucking all those other women.
I was born and raised in Texas like you.
Sometimes I like to grab the bull by
its horns and do you know what to them.
I can sign you up right now.
-Hello?
-One for Barry.
Whatever, dude.
Even a broken clock's right twice a day.
Absolutely, sir, I'm from fucking Boston.
-Yeah. Fucking Boston, I went to BU.
-Clock's ticking.
Two banger for Barry.
He's having a little lucky streak.
That's all good.
-Triple play for Barry.
-Shit, Barry.
You can learn from your failures.
Hey, our phones, anybody's phone,
Debra, is your phone messed up?
That last company failed you,
but we won't.
Kasey still has a clear lead,
but he's clearly under pressure.
The same pressure he faced in law school.
The same pressure that caused him
to flunk out.
Dropped out.
All right, choir boy, I got you.
Another single play for Barry.
Fucking is it hot?
-Two banger for Barry.
-Debra, can you turn the a.c. up?
-Another one for Barry.
-Debra, you're way behind.
So don't even look at me
with judging eyes.
Yeah, you've reached Kasey.
Fuck.
-Fuck.
-How's this for a bonus?
24-carat gold-plated iPad.
Can I get a word in? No, I called you,
so you have to wonder what I'm--
As soon as I called, you started yelling.
-Hello?
-It's Christine.
Oh, hey. Hey, babe.
Hey, I'm just checking
if you made the reservation.
Did I make the reservations?
Yes, oh, sorry.
Of course I made the reservation.
I'm writing you down right now.
Are you okay? You sound off.
No, no, I sound weird? You know...
Fuck you.
I don't sound weird,
you're the one who sounds weird.
I'm just at work making deals
like Gordon Gekko.
Oh, I bet you are.
I bet Gordon Gekko
would be making money right now
and probably would be allowed
personal calls from his very own office.
Get off the damn phone, Liz.
Hey, babe, listen, I gotta go.
Okay? I have to--
I will talk to you later.
All right, bye.
Time.
Huddle up.
Looks like Kasey's got it again.
-How many more you got, king?
-What, what?
-My man.
-How many more you got?
-How many do I...
-Yeah, how many more do you got?
-Oh, no, that's it right there.
-That's it?
I'm saying when you put all
the numbers together combined, yeah.
Anybody else got anything?
Just one.
Yeah, well, sorry,
single play's not enough.
Just one triple play.
Yes.
Holy shit. That's...
You win by one.
Oh, that's major.
Good shit, Barry.
I demand a recount on that.
Single but stable family home.
I got her to go for the triple.
Easy, easy, okay?
I mean, I just had a lucky day,
I'm not sure how it happened.
You used the Kasey Method,
I bet that's what happened.
Actually, I used my own method.
And don't forget my smile.
I mean, they may not see it,
but they can feel it.
Looks like the king
and his method is dead.
Barry, take the chair.
Hey, but listen...
They just give you a chair
and they snatch it right back.
-I know, every once in a while...
-Have a great weekend.
You leave it out in the sun.
Barry, dude, you, oh my, don't do that.
You do that, you could've been a victim.
-I'm sorry, Kase.
-I'm sorry, I'm sorry.
I just came over here because
I feel like you should have this.
-You deserve it.
-Honestly, bro, I wasn't really trying.
You know what I mean? I had an
off day and it was a lot going on,
so you deserve that, you keep it, man.
Have a blessed day, Kasey.
Fuck, man.
Thirty minutes.
I just need 30 minutes, I need to get
this bonus for the weekend, please.
You already get the best leads
on the floor, what more do you want?
I can't tell.
The way I'm striking out out there.
There's something going on
with my sheets.
You had a bad day.
Liz, Liz.
Liz, I'm rather sure this wouldn't be
your first "adjustment."
You know what I'm talking about.
Latrice, last year,
I'm pretty sure
you helped her make quota, right?
Her kid had leukaemia.
Damn it, Liz, I got leukaemia!
I don't have leukaemia,
I don't have leukaemia.
You know, but I got something worse
than leukaemia, right?
I have a gigantic loan I gotta pay back,
or else I may lose something...
that I may never get back.
Liz, look at me, look at me.
Hey, hey, hey.
Right, I make one bundle sale, boom,
it'll put me over the top, and we're good.
No handouts,
let me go out there and do my thing.
Please.
-Sorry, Kasey.
-Fuck!
-Hey.
-Hey, hey babe, listen.
You're never gonna believe this, but,
the restaurant bumped
our reservation to 8:30.
Oh, damn. I was just leaving my place.
Yeah, I know, I know, that sucks.
But hey, look, when we get there,
I'm gonna give the manager
a stern talking-to.
Maybe they'll give us...
Maybe they'll comp dessert
or something like that.
It's cool, it's just 30 minutes,
we'll survive.
You know,
I've got a good feeling about this dinner.
-Oh, you do?
-I do.
So don't mess it up.
Come on, babe.
You know me.
Okay, you used to quit talking
before I could change my mind.
I can't hear a word you're saying
because I gotta go, bye.
Showtime.
Come on.
Where's those fucking call sheets?
Come on.
Oh, shit.
I swear to God,
don't you ever leave me again.
I missed you.
What do we got?
Okay. Let's get another one, Big Fred.
Time to get creative.
I know somebody forgot
they're on this stupid list.
Hello there. Oh, is this Kate Carpenter?
Yeah, this is Kasey at TeleWin.
Hello? Hello?
Fuck.
Shit, come on.
Hello, Reef. Reef, yeah.
I got a deal for you, man.
I shouldn't be calling you this late,
but, hello?
Shit, maybe a little too pervy.
Bingo. Instagram.
No, you strike me
as a Facebook type of individual
due to your advanced age.
Phil French. Bingo.
Phil French, Phil French.
Phil, Phil, Phil.
Phil, Phil, yeah, Phil French.
Hello?
Hey there, Asa.
Yeah, it's a voice out of the past.
Phil French from marching band,
how you doing, buddy?
Phil? Phil, is that really you?
Yeah, it's me.
Long time, eh?
You bet you it's been a while.
-Well, how are you, my man?
-Oh, me?
Well, I'm in the Valley.
Yeah, I'm in the Valley, you know.
I was thinking about old times,
and I thought I'd look you up.
You still playing that horn?
Oh, you damn right I am.
You can't pull my mouth off
of that horn if you tried.
I suck, I blow, I do it all.
I'm in the big band now.
You know, weddings, bar mitzvahs,
assisted suicides, the whole thing.
-Hey, don't I know it.
-Yeah.
Well, haven't you retired?
Well, I'll tell you this.
You know, I didn't work enough quarters
to get my Social Security,
then the bursitis started flaring up
again along with the gout
and what have you, and such, and so forth.
And so, now I'm over here selling cable.
Say, you wouldn't happen to be
in the marketplace for cable,
Internet, or phone?
Hell, the entire bundle.
I tell you what, you know,
I could hook you up
with a pretty sweet deal.
First three months,
hell, four months for free.
Oh, I'd love that.
You know, I've got a son who's looking
to break into your business,
that telemarketing thing that y'all do.
Which one do you work for?
TeleWin, Northridge.
Right up the block
from Tarzana, small town.
You know? But tell your son
he can call me here anytime.
I see. You know,
I'm still in the Valley myself.
Well, my son and I.
Like I said before, that's great,
he can call me here
whenever he feels the need to.
But let me take care of you.
Let's get you set up, huh?
We can go out and get that drink
and talk about old times
and all the loose women you used
to run through.
Now, Phil.
Let me ask you a question now.
How do they pay your commissions,
halos or Hail Marys?
-Come again?
-Maybe harps, asshole,
because Phil French,
you died five years ago
from alcoholic poisoning.
Buried in a rainstorm at Forest Lawn
like God was crying.
Like God was crying.
Yeah, I know, that was a sad time.
First off, asshole,
I'm on the do not fucking call list.
I've got a particular set of skills.
-Blah, blah, blah.
-Wherever you are.
Take it easy, cowboy, pull the saddle out.
Gotta go. Motherfucker.
God. Okay.
We're good, we're good, we're good.
Zachary Morris.
Zachary Morris.
Hello, Zachary Morris?
How you doing, mate?
Yeah, this is Kasey, over at...
Fuck, dumb ass.
Hello, you want cable? No? Fuck you. Shit.
I'm all of those things, yeah.
No, I cannot send you a videotape
of me shoving my hand up my own asshole.
Hello?
Hello, you like Internet? No?
Suck my dick.
Come on, Big Fred.
What the fuck is going on?
I got this, this is nothing, dude.
This is nothing, bro.
Hello, Genevieve?
It's that time of the month again.
Well, not like that, I mean...
Fuck, man. You've got to be kidding me.
I am a swan, and this is my pond.
I am a swan, and this is my pond.
Oh, my God, you look so stupid right now,
wow, this is amazing.
I'm channelling my chi.
-Jesus Christ.
-What are you still doing here?
Catching up on some late work,
but the power's out on our floor, so...
Well, it's a shit building, brother.
But maintenance is coming,
they'll be here in a minute.
That's good. I'm glad you're on it.
Self-love, baby.
Try it sometime.
Good, thank you.
Jesus Christ.
Hey, man, you Jim?
-Yes, sir.
-Okay.
So you got your stuff?
-Yeah.
-Follow me.
Following.
Hey, man. I'm a security enforcement
specialist, not a valet.
I can't hear you.
I am beautiful, I am kind, I am smart.
Hey, what is it you guys
do around here anyway?
-Telemarketing.
-No shit?
This is where they sell me Viagra.
Yeah, no Viagra here.
Well, not yet at least.
-Just, cable, Internet, phone, you know.
-Not that I need it.
Oh, fuck.
Oh, boy.
-Say, Jim, is it?
-Yes, sir.
Let me ask you something,
how's your Internet connection?
So-so.
So-so? That's not good.
TV, phone?
-Oh, I see what you're doing.
-It depends on if you're buying.
No, I don't really have time for the tube.
I'm just kind of tied up with this stuff.
Right. Speaking of which, how we looking?
You know...
I brought the wrong tool bag,
I'm gonna have to run back out to the van.
Okay, all right.
So, I mean, how long is that gonna be?
I have...
I got a date tonight.
-Oh, lucky fucker.
-Yeah.
About 10-15 minutes tops.
-I'll be right back.
-Okay.
10-15, 10-15.
Shit.
What the fuck?
Come on, dude...
Fuck.
Jesus.
What the fuck?
Big Fred?
No. Rise and shine.
Oh, shit.
Are you from the Payday Loan?
Hey.
Hey, man, look.
I can get you your money, I swear.
Just don't cut off my dick.
I'm Asa.
Asa Ellenbogen.
How you doing, Kasey Miller?
Or should I say, Phil French?
Oh, you've got to be fucking kidding me.
No, I'm not kidding you.
Where's the electrician?
Well, let's just say,
he probably won't be coming back.
Fuck.
Okay, give me my phone, dude.
-Where's my phone?
-Looking for this?
Shit!
More like a big old brick with a computer,
camera, Interwebs, what have you.
I'm gonna keep this in my pocket for you.
Okay.
Okay, man.
I don't know what kind of game
you're playing here,
but let's just call it even
and go our separate ways.
Go our separate ways?
We was just getting to know each other.
Unlike you, I'm a man of my word.
-Hey, look man, just listen.
-I wish I could say the same for you.
Look, I get it, I tried to sell you,
and that's on me, I'm so sorry about that.
But I was in a real bad position.
I was in a fucked-up spot.
I had to pay back this
Payday loan because I lost a contest.
Oh, well, that's a shame.
How about if you was to hook me up
with the cable-Internet-phone bundle,
free for life, would you win?
With the NFL Sunday Ticket included?
-I can't--
-Of course you can't!
You know, while you were sleeping,
I was thinking of all the fun ways
I could lay you off.
You know, when you hang around
this place long enough,
-you develop quite the active imagination.
-Yeah.
You ever imagine you'd be tied
to your office chair
with some old coot on disability
with a fucking gun to your head?
To be fair, death threats happen
all the time, it's a part of the job.
But no, this is the first time
that it actually--
Oh, first time someone actually did it?
Yeah. That about sums it up.
Hey, look, man, listen. About this
whole pretending to be your friend thing.
-My dead friend.
-Yeah.
Yup, because he's dead,
your dead friend thing
with the funny name.
-Phil French.
-Oh, he was adopted, jackass.
Yeah, I know, and for that I am so sorry,
about the adoption and everything.
I had nothing to do with the adoption,
but I'm sorry anyway.
-Are you now?
-Yeah, truly.
You know, my grandfather, he used to say,
this country was not built on--
Stop selling for once
in your goddamn life.
Do you know
how to have a normal conversation?
Well, damn it, Asa,
under normal circumstances, yes.
But this ain't exactly normal now, is it?
In fact, I'll have you know,
that people around this office,
they call me the king at conversations.
Yeah. Words are my tools.
-Yeah?
-Yeah.
Words are your sales tools.
I'm talking about real talk.
Here, now.
Let's start with a simple question.
-Why?
-Why what?
Why'd you do it, Kasey?
Look, I told you already. Come on, man.
I told you, I had to pay back
a debt, you know?
For what?
For a ring. An engagement ring.
This girl, she's the love of my life.
Am I supposed to feel all warm
and squishy inside?
Look, I tell you what,
let me just go to my car and I'll--
You ain't going nowhere.
Liar, liar.
Okay, hey. Hey, hey, look.
My monitor, my Instagram is up.
Just no B.S., no lies.
-Right there.
-Just hit a key? Where do I see it?
It's right there,
on the top corner right there.
Well, what am I looking at?
That's her. That's her, right there.
Well, ain't no mention of you.
Well, you know,
we like to keep our relationship low.
Like Jay-Z and Beyonc.
Bet when you found out they were together
you were amazed.
Well, lookie here.
In her status, it says she's single.
-Dang, is that what that says?
-That's what that says.
Single, ready to mingle.
Yeah, you see my point, though?
-I do. It's bullshit, that's the point.
-You see my point?
I don't know what that is.
Look, let's play a game.
-You like contests, Kasey?
-Fuck.
What kind of contests we talking?
Now, I'm gonna give you one hour
to apologise on behalf of yourself
and, well, all you wretched scum-sucking
telemarketing sales leeches,
to apologise to as many
of these people as you can.
You want me to call the people
on the do not call list
and apologise on behalf of the people
who made them want to be put
on the do not call list
in the first place?
And you didn't even take a note.
I don't think they'll be too receptive.
Which can be a problem
for people seeking forgiveness,
it's true, but that doesn't mean
you don't need to be forgiven, Kasey.
I guess.
You guess.
Well, don't you think that if you wronged
someone and you know it,
that you have to seek forgiveness?
That you have a responsibility?
Okay, man, now this is starting
to sound a lot like Sunday School,
and I hate Sunday School.
Sister Johnson was my teacher,
she had no legs,
she used to make me carry her around
like a backpack.
This is the night
of your redemption, Kasey.
If you can get just one person
to accept your apology...
then you can go home.
Now, you see, the choice is all yours.
Okay, what if they don't accept?
Well, then you can give my very best
to Phil French.
Let's get to dialling.
Oh, I'm so fucked.
I'm so fucked.
-Now.
-Okay, all right.
Oh, shit!
Goddamn it, man!
You son of a bitch, you shot Big Fred.
Apologies to Fred.
At least now he knows it's loaded.
All right, man.
-Speakerphone.
-Okay, okay.
Give it your best.
Yeah, who this?
Congratulations.
You have been personally selected
to receive a once-in-a-lifetime apology.
On behalf of myself as well as
all telemarketers around the whole globe.
We are deeply sorry
for all of our past transgressions.
-You tripping.
-So that's your approach?
Maybe I should just shoot you now,
put you out of your misery.
No, no, look, look.
To be fair, I'm not in my element.
And RIP Big Fred, you know what I mean?
I miss you, my nigga. I gotta get focused.
It's showtime, you motherfucker.
You ain't shit, yes I am.
-Dial.
-Okay, okay.
Hey, how you doing there Mrs. Goldfarb,
how's this evening treating you?
Fine. What is this about?
I want to apologise on behalf of myself
and all the telemarketers that
may have contacted you and called your
mobile or your home phone in the past.
Do you accept our apology?
-You've got to be kidding me.
-No, okay.
I'm not kidding you. Let's start there.
This is a very serious thing.
-Do you accept our apology?
-I'm hanging up now.
No, no, please, don't hang up.
Okay, I'm losing my thread here.
I want to give you something deep
and personal.
William, there's a creep on the phone.
You're in big trouble now, mister.
-Look here, you piece of shit.
-Fuck me.
I advise you to hang up now,
or I'm gonna shove my shotgun
down your throat and make an omelette
with your goddamn tonsils, you freak.
And I deserve that, sir.
I truly do deserve that.
You have yourself a blessed evening.
You know, my wife used
to get these kinds of calls,
but she was kinder than me.
She was too kind.
You know, she used to think about you kids
in places like this
trying to make ends meet.
Kind of made her a perfect prey
for the vultures.
You'd call her house,
you'd call her cell phone.
You'd sell, sell, sell and she'd
buy, buy, buy, and then we'd fight.
I'm sorry about that, sir.
No, you aren't.
What's your girlfriend's name again?
The one that says she's single?
That was just a misunderstanding,
we're actually together,
I just want to let you know that.
-Yeah? Christine.
-Her name is Christine.
Let's say a miracle were to happen,
and the two of you were to get hitched.
Now, if she bought a load of crap
every day on the phone,
would that be good for your marriage?
To be fair, she is her own woman,
and I wouldn't have a say in the matter.
But if she spent all your money.
Well, you know, psychologists
in this town makes a lot of money, so...
Now, I'm gonna give you one more chance
to answer my question.
Would you want your future wife
to buy a load of crap
from people like you?
No, sir, I would not.
Well, that's the first honest thing
you've said all night.
Goddamn it.
Listen, you're gonna get rid of this guy.
-Go get, get, get.
-Okay. Okay.
I swear to Christ,
if you fucking make a run for it,
I'll follow you down,
and I'll blow a hole
in your fucking spine.
If that cop comes this way,
I'll blow a hole in his spine.
Okay, fine,
so what should I tell him then?
Just tap into that active imagination.
Okay, I'll just lie to him.
Good evening.
I didn't see you there, this glass door.
We got a report about
a shot fired in the area. Heard anything?
-A shot fired?
-Yeah.
In this building?
Wow, it's such a peaceful
community building.
You know, no.
Oh, now I understand.
It must've been the cherry bomb.
Was it the cherry bomb?
-Cherry bomb?
-It was a cherry bomb, yeah.
You know it's not the 4th of July?
It's not the 4th of July, and I know that.
You know, we're telemarketers, right?
We work late sometimes,
and we play pranks on each other to build
the morale around the office, you know?
Yeah, we know.
-So who else is here?
-Oh, just me. I know what you're thinking.
I'm the team leader,
so they look up to me,
so when I'm here alone,
I still do the pranks to keep up.
You know what I mean?
-Yeah.
-Yeah.
-All right.
-Yeah.
Well, no more cherry bombs.
You got it. You know?
Hey, you guys sell Internet here, right?
Yes, we do.
My two teens are just obsessed
with goddamn online gaming.
Killing my bandwidth.
Think I need one of those fibre optics.
-Fibre optics.
-You guys got any special deals or...
I'm so sorry, sir,
your timing could not have been worse.
But you know something?
I'm sorry for that.
I'm sorry for your inconvenience.
In fact, I want to apologise on behalf
of all telemarketers, all over the world.
So do you forgive us?
-Sure. Sure whatever.
-All right.
-That is so great to hear.
-No more cherry bombs.
-No more cherry bombs.
-No more cherry bombs.
-I love you.
-That's weird.
-You heard, right?
-Yes, I did.
Okay, I apologised on behalf
of all telemarketers and he accepted.
Yeah, but it wasn't on the phone.
That's our arrangement.
-Come on, man.
-You wreak havoc on the phone,
-you make things right on the phone.
-Shit.
Excuse me?
I'm saying I gotta take a shit.
I've been backed up lately
and trying to eat my carrots...
Four minutes.
Really? You're timing my poops?
Three minutes.
Come on, dude, I'm backed up,
I don't know how long it's gonna...
This is some unconstitutional shit,
literally. Okay?
Hey, mind if I use your phone?
Oh, yeah, go ahead, man.
Just dial 9 at the desk.
You can't call Mexico,
sometimes it gets a little wonky.
I mean the one in your pocket.
My pocket?
What?
Oh, my God, that's crazy.
Two minutes, 45 seconds.
Shit, okay.
Okay. Okay.
What would Bruce Willis do?
Oh, shit.
Clock's ticking, Kasey!
Yeah, I'm... It's something I ate, man.
Fuck, Kasey.
Don't make me come in there
and shoot you while you're shitting!
Kasey!
Yeah.
Okay.
It's bad in there.
-Get.
-I had to wipe from front to back.
Oh, good for you.
What you looking at?
This bullshit.
Looks like you all want to be
the next Big Red, don't you?
Fred, it's Big Fred.
Was he good?
They say he sold
the downtown Marriott, so...
Well, that must've been some commission.
Yeah, and they didn't pay him
in halos either.
-Looks like Barry is the next Fred.
-No.
That's beginner's luck, unfortunately.
Well, now,
if it had have happened like that,
we'd have never met.
Hello, Ms. Daniels.
She hung up.
All right, loser, dial another.
Come on, Asa.
Really? How much longer we doing this for?
That attitude will get you fired.
You don't get it, man.
-This isn't me, I don't really do this.
-Do what?
You know, call up people
and pretend to be their dead friend,
-you don't understand.
-No, I understand perfectly.
You want to buy a ring for a girl
who doesn't want to put
your goddamn name on her Snapperface.
Now, oh, and keep it on speakerphone.
No more gimmicks, no more lies. Come on.
Dial. Wait.
-Message from Christine.
-Really?
"You are the worst person ever
for not calling me back.
Never call me again.
In fact, you can erase my number."
Snap, crackle, pop.
She said-- She wrote all that?
Indeed. I guess Bey-Z 2.0 ended after all.
Okay, look.
Keep me locked up. That's fine.
I need to text her back,
because if I don't text her back,
she'll think something's wrong, and it is,
you're trying to kill me, you know, so...
We'll probably just
prolong the inevitable, you know.
Seen it all too often,
see how guys like you end up.
Alone, nothing but your lies.
Why don't you go ahead and dial?
Put a smile on.
-Hello?
-Hello, ma'am.
I'm calling on behalf
of telemarketers everywhere.
Kasey, is that you?
Yes, it is.
Your voice sounds different,
but I recognised the number.
I never did get my Rick James wig.
Mrs. Hanks, hi.
Yeah, about that, I am so sorry.
Sorry?
Young man, I think I owe you an apology
for that video that's been going around.
That granddaughter of mine
is too darn overprotective,
watches me like a hawk.
Hell, I'm surprised you were
able to call me on this old line
since you put me on that,
what's it called?
The do not call list.
Yeah, that's the one.
I'm glad you did anyways.
You're helping to keep America safe.
Such a sweet young man.
I was hoping to get a chance to see you.
Thank you, you're sweet too.
Listen, I...
The reason I'm calling is because I...
The reason I'm calling is...
Actually, ma'am,
I'm just calling to say hi.
Well, thank you, Kasey.
Thank you, ma'am.
You have a good night.
Well, you have a great night too.
Okay, bye-bye.
Bye.
Well, ain't that something, Kasey Miller.
I have never witnessed
something so genuinely touching.
So genuinely heartfelt.
And yet somehow so thoroughly disgusting.
In all my days, I mean,
taking advantage of a little old lady?
You are some piece of work.
I'm hungry, where the hell's the kitchen?
In the back.
I hope you like Red Vines and Kit Kats.
Yeah, whatever.
No funny business, I'll be right back.
Can you bring me back a Fresca?
Well, there.
Fuck.
Shit.
Fuck.
Fats! They're trying to assassinate me!
Found another tool.
Wild guess.
You're not the maintenance guy.
Gold star for you.
My dad texted you.
Said he was gonna kill you?
You didn't text back, that's rude.
-Now you're running off on him?
-Is it too late to text him back now?
Oh, yeah, come on.
-Okay.
-U-turn.
I can hit him back right now.
I'll hit him back right now.
I'll send like funny emojis,
I got a few gifs.
-Is it gifs or is it jifs?
-The time for that is gone.
Now, you shouldn't
have run off like that, Kasey.
Just when I was warming up to you.
I see you met my son.
Yeah.
You said he can get a job here.
Remember that, Phil French?
Right.
I say we go big on this one, Dad.
Let's take him to the boat.
Gut him like a fish, dump him in the bay.
He's a telemarketer.
Yeah, maybe that's where we end up at.
I don't know.
I say we give him
one last chance at redemption.
Redemption?
Yes, redemption.
To show us he's learned his lesson.
Now, that sounds like
a get out of jail free card.
Where was my redemption last month
when I was locked up in county?
Remember, parole violation?
You wouldn't bail me out!
No, no, no!
You needed to be taught a lesson,
just like Kasey,
and that's what we call deterrence theory.
Fear of extreme measures taken to prevent
the reoccurrence of a particular offence.
But if we kill him now,
wouldn't that prevent
a recurrence of an offence?
Well, yes it would,
but if we take his life,
I want to be sure we had no choice.
Okay, I'm so sorry about this,
I hate to interrupt such a strong
and warm family moment.
However, Dean, if you kill me,
that is in direct violation
of your parole.
-You saying you gonna snitch me out?
-Man, I can't snitch if I'm dead.
-Now, son, son, son.
-Okay.
What'd you do that for?
You're a fucking hothead
with nothing but bricks for brains.
That's how you got caught.
I got caught
because of that bitch ass snitch!
A snitch you aligned yourself with--
Yeah, I aligned this
to his fucking dome, bam!
-Allegedly.
-I didn't hear nothing.
-Hold the phone.
-That's right.
What? What?
What's this here, on the Face what's its?
-What is it? The Face what's it?
-Who's calling you?
Yo, what's up bitches?
Drunkards.
-Drunkards.
-And naked womens.
Yeah, that's what it looks like.
-That's a labia, right there.
-Where are you?
Yeah, that's definitely a labia.
-Barry wants an encore!
-Oh, no.
I'm practically engaged.
He leads a Sunday School choir
when he's not at the strip club
and slapping them cheeks.
Come back when you're practically married.
-Yeah!
-Yeah!
That brings back some memories.
Yeah, you mean the time you was banned?
Come on, like I'm the first guy to use
a counterfeit 20 for a lap dance?
That's actually pretty genius.
-Yeah, you like that?
-Enough!
Keep your eye on him,
my blood sugar's going to shit.
Pretty good.
Let me ask you. Are you up to speed
with what your dad's doing?
-Totally.
-Really?
Because all of this for a damn apology
seems a bit much, right?
-I can hear you.
-Shit.
I suggest you make calls.
-Dad, how long am I supposed to give him?
-30 minutes!
So better start dialling.
My hands are tied, literally, so...
Just one hand.
-Don't try anything.
-I won't, I just... Come on.
All right. Jesus.
Son of a bitch.
Okay, now cut the other one loose.
-No? All right, that's fair.
-You think I'm stupid?
Is that a trick question?
I'm so-- It's really hard.
-As you can see, this is such...
-Yeah, you have to figure it out.
You're supposed to be good at this.
There we go, let me just...
-There you go, perfect.
-You're making this complicated for us.
-You look good though.
-Thank you.
That gun is making me
very nervous, man, I'm just saying.
-Dial faster. Go.
-Okay.
My pops really knows how to hold a grudge.
I'm right there with you.
-I survived my dad, and phew, yeah.
-He a hard ass?
Oh, you have no idea.
You know, he started out as a prosecutor,
and now he's a judge, you know.
If I even blink in the wrong direction,
I'm sweating bullets.
-No shit?
-No shit.
And he wants you
to follow in his footsteps?
Well, I don't think
I'd do too well in court.
Neither would I.
Yeah, I didn't.
-I know. You've made some mistakes.
-Yeah.
-Just a couple.
-Yeah.
You know, for me,
telemarketing is just a job.
I'm good at it, so... Law school
didn't work out, and now here I am.
You know, look, I get it.
You got a job to do here.
So I'm willing to bet
that we can overlook all of your
past transgressions, all the felonies,
the murders,
the rapes probably I'm assuming,
the kidnaps, things like that.
-You know what I'm saying?
-I don't know.
Yeah, me either.
Hell, you can be an axe murderer.
As long as you can sell, you're hired.
Shit, I'll help you hide the axe.
What axe?
I know. I ain't seen shit.
You are good.
And I'm no salesman.
You sure ain't the maintenance,
but you could've fooled me.
I hate telemarketers.
-I want to kill telemarketers.
-Is that right?
If I was a telemarketer,
I'd have to kill myself.
And I don't want to kill myself. Not yet.
When the time comes.
-You'll be ready. Yeah.
-Yeah.
You know I was this close to becoming
top salesman of the month tonight?
This close.
And I was gonna take
my girl out and celebrate,
and pretend to like salmon
as much as I like steak,
and she would call me out
because she's the only one
that can see through my bullshit.
Then we'd laugh, and then I'd propose.
Does she know?
Kasey, if you just told my dad the truth,
he would've bought the stupid triple play.
He's a romantic at heart.
He would've understood.
She would've gotten that ring,
you would've gotten that bonus,
and dad would've cancelled after a month,
so everybody would've won.
Woulda, shoulda, coulda.
You got a picture of that lady?
Yeah, actually on my phone.
-Of course.
-Yeah.
-You better do that.
-Be careful, now.
One look at her, premature ejaculation.
-It happens to me all the time.
-Let's put it to the test.
Oh, Kasey.
-She's a hottie.
-Yes, sir.
-You need a towel?
-Yeah, in a couple minutes.
You love her?
More than anything.
You know what?
I'm gonna show this to my dad,
and talk to him about this.
You serious?
Yeah, he loved my mom.
He might understand this.
-Fuck, man, that would be great.
-Your little love story.
-Oh, come on. This is great.
-Yeah.
Great, yeah.
Just gotta promise me one thing.
Don't try and escape.
Really?
How about this.
There's a headset, right over there.
Grab that, I'll still make calls,
you can listen the whole time.
-This one?
-That right there.
That's the only one there,
so it had to be that one.
Oh, my God.
When did Superman become a telemarketer?
Damn it, you look natural.
You look good.
-Right.
-This is your desk here.
-I'm gonna go talk to my dad.
-Talk to your daddy.
Talk to that motherfucker.
Fuck being a telemarketer,
you're about to be a model, huh?
Pops.
Check this out.
That's his girlfriend.
What are you doing
with his goddamn phone?
He gave it to me.
Looking all good.
I don't know who I like more,
my girl or you, you pretty motherfucker.
Blue eyes, looking all coloniser and shit.
Oh, shit.
Yeah, there's more.
Hold on.
-Hey!
-Yeah?
-Keep dialling!
-Yeah!
-Work the phones, Kasey!
-Gotcha!
Just out here trying to save my life, man!
Y'all know how it is.
It's a Thursday for y'all, you know.
-Hello?
-Good evening, Mr. Wilson.
Who is this?
Sir, you don't know me,
but I work for TeleWin.
Are you a telemarketer?
Yes, sir, I am.
I am. But, I know it's late,
but please don't hang up.
Now first, I just want to say I'm sorry
for my conduct
on behalf of all the telemarketers.
I might get a photo.
-Mr. Wilson?
-Is this some kind of a joke?
No, sir, I assure you, this is no joke.
In fact, I'm not trying
to sell you anything.
-Get one with me in it.
-Okay, yeah.
Sir, I've been a shit person, okay?
Now, I ask that you
please accept my apology.
Please.
I swear, if I ever dropped
a fake 20 on a lap dance with her,
you have permission to shoot me. What?
You shouldn't be
dropping fake 20s on no one.
You gotta be shitting me.
No, sir, I'm not shitting you, I'm not.
You're not shitting me.
Okay, I guess.
Okay? I'm so sorry, sir,
can you please repeat that?
Are you deaf? I just said okay.
Yes! Yes, you hear that?
He said okay!
He said okay!
Fuck, yes, sir.
-What the hell is going on here?
-Thank you.
God bless you, sir.
God bless your kids,
God bless your grandkids.
Even if they have fucking weird names
like Sunflower and Woody,
or some bullshit like that. Thank you!
Suck my dick!
-They don't call me the king for nothing.
-What?
"What?" The fuck you mean what?
You were listening.
I didn't hear anything.
On the fucking-- I gave you the headset!
I didn't hear a damn thing!
Are you calling me a liar?
No, well, fuck it, give it to me.
What do you mean you didn't hear it?
You didn't turn it on, man.
I fucking had it.
I fucking had it, man! I fucking had it!
Well...
I mean, if an apology's made in the forest
and there's no one to hear it,
-then...
-We're not in the forest, pops.
I'll explain it to you later, son.
Go on, do another.
Oh, now, don't tell me you's a quitter.
Where's that relentless bravado,
that mighty perseverance?
I have no idea, man, out to lunch.
Fucking gone.
Come on, now.
Fuck.
Dean likes you.
I want you to make a good impression.
Now, go on, give it another go.
I'm gonna be paying
for that stripper's dry cleaning.
And the $150 room bill,
but you know, happens to the best of us.
What the hell, Kasey?
What in the H-E double hockey sticks
are you still doing here, buddy?
Barry, Christine.
It's so good to see you both. What's up?
What's up is,
I met this sweet little tenderoni outside.
At the strip club?
-Yeah.
-No.
Outside.
You bailed on dinner, and didn't text me.
It's not like you.
Oh, you know,
I've just kind of been tied up.
Oh, well, I would say you left her hanging
like an iguana in the Sahara Desert.
No.
Okay, well, you're not dead or cheating.
So, what's up?
Barry, man, what are you doing here?
You should probably go.
-I want you to have this.
-Barry, come on, bro.
-Barry.
-No, no, listen.
It's only right, okay?
I came all the way here,
and I was gonna put
a nice little sticky note on it.
But here you are. So, I mean, I guess
the surprise factor is kind of kaput.
Yeah, I guess you can say
I'm done with surprises for tonight.
-Aren't we all?
-Babe, I messed up.
I came to work today,
I'll catch up on some sales,
and then I guess
I got caught up, I messed up.
As usual.
Baby, you should go.
You know, this ain't for me anymore,
I'm an asshole, so...
No, you're not an asshole.
You treat everything in your life
like it's a sale to be made,
which is really fucking annoying.
But you always call, okay?
That's what I love about you,
you always call.
Okay, we're gonna go. Yeah.
-No. Barry, let's go.
-Wait, no.
I want to leave this for the guru.
Barry, we need to go. Barry!
Hey. Hey, don't you
fucking touch her, man!
-Oh, my God!
-Hey!
Asa. Hey, hey.
This is going way too far, man.
Oh, says the man who spews bullshit
all day to innocent people.
The man who pretends to be my dead friend
in order to sell a triple play!
Yeah, sure, Asa.
I pretended to be
your dead friend to make a sale.
Have you never been lied to before?
Let me ask you something, Asa.
You remember watching
TV commercials as a kid, right?
You don't think they lied
to get you to buy the toy you wanted?
You get home,
and you get your Rock'em Sock'em Robot
or whatever it is, fresh out the box.
And you look at it,
and it don't quite look,
or feel, or work the way it does on TV.
I'm pretty sure you didn't go
to Mattel headquarters with a .44
and light up the customer service rep.
How about a little perspective here, Asa?
This is the free market at work, man!
This is what our country was founded on!
-Damn it, this is America!
-Sit the fuck down.
Just so I'm clear,
this is over some silly sales call?
-Shut up.
-A silly sales call?
I don't think so.
I think we have some idea, Asa.
Your wife used to get
called by telemarketers,
and then you two would fight about it,
and it made you mad.
My wife died because of it.
I told her...
Don't ever talk and drive.
But she wouldn't listen.
The last call she ever took
was from one of you guys.
She lost control of the wheel.
When some asshole like you...
was selling her car insurance!
I asked the FDC
to put me on the do not call list
out of respect for her memory.
-Right, son?
-That's right.
You know, the head of the agency,
the woman appointed by the goddamn
president of the United States,
she called me personally.
Personally, she swore to me,
up and down, left and right.
"They will never call you again.
Not once, not twice, not ever."
Guess I shoulda known better.
Shouldn't have used
that DNC list, asshole.
Dang it.
Must've dozed off there.
Oh, my God, I've never had to shit so bad.
Wait. Did I miss something?
-Quite a lot. Join our discussion.
-What's going on?
You two work together, right?
-Yeah.
-Know why he's here?
I figured he stayed behind
to try to make another call.
And if he made it,
he would report it
to corporate claiming...
-he won the $3,000.
-Bingo.
Must make your blood boil, right?
-No.
-No?
No. Actually, I feel relieved.
I don't feel so bad about
switching his call sheet with Justin's.
You did what?
Hold on. So let me get this straight.
You cheat, and then all this happens?
You have no idea
what I've been through today!
Law of the land. Remember?
All I did was level the playing field.
And you have no position to be
calling anybody in here unethical
when you're the one who got kicked out
of USC's law school for cheating.
Oh, my God,
I've been wanting to say that all day.
Oh, my God.
Say it isn't so.
I mean, he's drunk.
I know all about it, okay?
Your assistant dean, she told me about it.
We're in the same church choir.
And the church says amen.
-You told me you dropped out.
-Baby, I'm-- Thank you.
Thank you very much, Barry.
Kasey, your buddy just sold you out.
-Hey, pops.
-Yeah, son?
What were you telling me about deterrence?
Deterrence theory.
Deterrence theory, yeah.
Barry, I learned something today.
The use of extreme actions to prevent
the reoccurrence of a specific action.
-Spot-on, son.
-Yeah.
Kasey, do you know the one thing
I detest more than telemarketers?
A snitch?
Gold star for you.
Fuck me!
What the fuck, man!
Oh, my God!
You know, that's a clean hole.
Would you go clean that up for us?
-Me?
-Yes, please.
Go on over. Go on, clean it up.
Grab the...
Yeah, grab the...
How long do you think he's got?
I don't know. I mean, I'm trying to be
a psychologist, not a doctor.
-Put your hands on it. Yeah.
-Isn't this perfect?
Now, his life is in your hands.
Okay, look,
just let Barry and Christine go. Okay?
You can lock me in your basement,
give me your phone.
I'll make as many calls as you want,
apologise to as many people
-as you want for the rest of my life.
-Now, that would be going too far.
I mean, plus the train set's down there,
and Dean's man cave.
-Yeah.
-All we need is one apology accepted.
Here, now, for all to hear. Now, come on.
Go on, just get your do not call list,
and you best get to dialling
before you all get clocked out.
Okay.
Seeing as how this
could potentially be my very last call...
-I'm gonna need a cup of coffee.
-No.
Hey, now.
It's my pre last call ritual, you know.
Every time I make my final call,
I need to have one cup of coffee
from my signature toilet bowl mug.
Ain't that right, rookie?
Yeah, as long as I've been here.
-Oh, Christ.
-Stop.
Jesus Christ.
Yeah.
Why don't you get the fucking coffee?
You don't strike me as someone
who would drink out of the toilet.
I mean, he's full of shit, so...
You know, I tried it once,
sold a triple play,
so I'm not one to argue with success.
Here's your goddamn coffee.
Go ahead, take your ritualistic sip.
This here is your last call.
If this doesn't work, you're going
on a boat ride with me and Dean.
Dial.
Yes?
Hello, sir, it's Kasey.
Yes, Kasey?
It's late, I'm surprised you're still up.
-Just reading some motions.
-Of course you are.
Did you need something?
Yeah, I was just...
You know, I've been...
just been meaning
to talk to you, you know.
I already got Internet, thank you.
Okay, yeah, I guess I deserve that.
But no, there's something I've been
meaning to speak with you about.
I got cable and phone too.
I'm not... Look, sir, I'm not selling.
I didn't know that was possible.
Sir, please, I just wanted to apologise.
-I didn't know that was possible either.
-Come on.
Go on, I'm listening.
I just wanted to say...
I'm sorry.
I'm sorry for this dirty business I'm in.
And the pain it must cause people.
And that includes you.
I guess when you think about it, I just,
was never really good
at anything, you know?
Sports, school, none of it.
But here, I'm good.
I'm real good, you know?
I can do what I want,
can come and go as I please,
and nobody calls me out on it.
Almost no one.
Compared to law school,
this place is amazing.
You see, in class...
In class I would just lie
and cheat my way through everything.
And it worked for a little while,
but then you get kicked out.
And then you end up here.
You see, here I can meet people,
I get to know them,
and right when I got them
where I want them, I sell them.
And I sell them, and I sell them.
The bullshit works.
It works here.
In fact, they encourage it, you know?
So much so that corporate, you know,
corporate is starting
to call it the Kasey Method.
Can you believe that?
They named something after me,
the Kasey Method.
I lie and I cheat people,
and they pat me on the back for it.
I don't like me because of it.
And I know
I'm not the man you want me to be,
I didn't go down the path
you wanted me to go down.
For that, I'm sorry.
I truly am, I am very sorry.
So...
what do you say?
Do you accept my apology, Dad?
Oh, and there's somebody
I would really like for you to meet.
So, depending on your answer,
I think we should all hang out.
I think you would
really like her, you know?
You know, son,
I'm really happy you called.
Of course I forgive you.
No!
Baby, call 911. Call 911, right now!
No!
I'm not going back to jail!
Shut up, you goddamn...
-Thanks for the mug, rookie.
-I try.
Since we're in apologies mode,
I'm sorry there's a hole
in your leg right now.
It's not your fault, it's his.
Oh, no, please, I'm sorry. I'm sorry!
Oh, shit!
Apology accepted.
Baby, I'm sorry I'm an asshole.
I'm sorry I stood you up, you know?
-I'm sorry.
-We can do this later.
Apologies all around.
Everybody gets an apology.
I too am sorry for not
shooting you in the goddamn head
when I first laid eyes on you.
Hold this.
Asa.
I know you got a raw deal.
Losing the love of your life,
and how that must be
affecting you and Dean.
I'm not gonna pretend to imagine
what that must feel like.
And if I could go back in time,
I would really change
your circumstance, man, I really would.
I'm sad about your wife, Asa,
and the role this fucked-up
telemarketing culture played in it.
Damn it, Asa, I'm sorry, man. I really am.
Kasey Miller.
That's all I ever wanted from you.
Was for you to take a good,
deep, long look at yourself.
I know it wasn't easy.
I'm proud of you.
I'm gonna accept your apology.
I do.
It still wasn't on the phone though.
-You've got to be kidding me.
-Come on, I'm dying over here.
-Let's get you taken care of.
-Take this, I don't want this.
-You sure?
-Yes.
-Because I can kill them right now.
-What? No.
I'm just saying,
he's been talking so much shit.
That's a pretty house.
Are you okay?
No, I'm good. I just...
I just...
It doesn't feel right, you know?
-Yeah, but you wanted to do this.
-No, I do, I just...
I can't help but feel silly.
But you'll feel better.
And besides, silly is your middle name.
Silly is my middle name.
So wise.
-Okay.
-Yeah.
Mrs. Hanks!
Bring your ass outside!