Deathgasm 2: Goremageddon (2025) Movie Script
1
[muffled metal music through
bathroom wall]
[grunt]
[man urinating]
[still urinating]
[coughs]
[he's still pissing]
[shakes it off & walks away]
Do you remember when
he saved the whole
motherfucking world back then?
Behold his glory
He did this all for you,
my god damn friends
In times of war we need a
hero to save us all
But we're stuck with Brodie
Yeah he saved the fuck in world
His name is Brodie
After he unleashed
the devil's hordes
Yeah, he fought the demons
'til they fell
Cause his balls-up opened the
gates of hell.
His name is Brodie
He's a LARPing metal geek
His name is Brodie
Still needs a nightlight
just to sleep
Beat up some demons with a
rubber dong
This is Brodie's goddamn
fuckin' song
His name is Brodie
Kicked some demons
in the sack.
Although his pants
were a bit shat.
Biceps softer
than cookie dough.
But he saved the day
with a sick solo!
(sick guitar solo)
Whoaaaa...
Hmmmm...
Whoaaaa...
Whoaaaa...
Whoaaaaooooaaaaoooooh...
His name is Brodie
Fuck yeah!
Do you remember when
He had to kill his band mate,
his best friend?
True fucking story
He finally ended
up with his dream girl
Till she dumped his broke ass,
Now it's Brodie against
the world
(METAL AS FUCK SCREAM)
[falling sound]
(EXPLOSION)
[guitar chord]
[paper crumpling]
[guitar chord]
[paper rip]
[Beastwars - "Waves"
plays in background]
Dude, why are you naked?
I got bored, bro,
when you passed out
and decided to play solitaire
Strip solitaire.
Oh no, hey, Rattlehead,
No, no, hey, no
You seen my t-shirt anywhere bro?
No
I'm gonna grab one of yours
[bottles & cans knocked over]
[Rattlehead whines]
Iron Maiden?
No fucking way, that's vintage
What about this one, Metallica?
What album?
Load
That's my wank rag
Oh, fuck!
Ahh... this'll do.
No, no, no way, any
shirt but that.
T-take Iron Maiden
This is Medina's
old shirt isn't it?
Please just take it off
I heard she's playing some
pretty big shows in the city, bro
Bet she's pulling a lot
of dude groupies, man
She'll be up to her neck in,
like, cocks
Dude, shut up.
Like a tornado of dicks, man.
A Dicknado
Guyclone.
Okay, okay, I get it.
She's probably having sex.
Jizzard.
Medina's getting sprayed with
all this milky white...
Dude, shut up.
Get fucking...
Stop!
Take the t-shirt off now.
Oh, fucking stinky cunt.
It's hormonal.
[farts]
[fart]
[fart]
[fart]
Here, have your fucking
"Medina shirt" back
[sad pathetic music]
[Rattlehead whimpering]
[playing the guitar unplugged]
[electrical current]
[evil music swells]
[wind howls]
Black Hymn is absolute power.
We should learn this, turn
it into a Deathgasm song.
Deathgasm song, Deathgasm song.
Deathgasm song...
[Screams]
[Evil Growl]
[bed deflates]
Juvenile.
[orchestral hit]
Useless.
[orchestral hit]
Offensive.
[orchestral hit]
Stupid.
You're ex-employers.
They all hate you.
Me? What about them?
They were like ordering me
around all day, telling me what to do.
They were so...
Bossy. Yeah.
Bosses tend to be bossy.
Okay. Well, let's thoroughly
assess your education.
Okay.
And we're done.
You have no education.
Well, that's because there was a
demon apocalypse at my high school.
It's pretty hard to learn when your
teacher is possessed and talking gibberish.
Mmm.
You could have learned Latin,
Yeah?
Personal presentation. This
can be quite a sensitive topic.
But let's state the obvious.
The body odour.
You are unbearably smelly.
You sweat like Kevin Spacey
in a ball pit.
Not in a good way.
I just want to forcibly
scrub you with the
lousing powder every time
you come in here.
Okay. Well, that's easy. I'll just spray
myself with a bit more Lynx next time.
So is that it?
Not even close.
Uh, bad breath.
Weird voice.
What?
Dandruff.
Objectively unattractive.
Whoa. That's pretty harsh.
It's not me saying it.
It's the form.
Look,
facial unpleasantness aside...
the hair and beard make
you look like a cult leader.
[heavenly vocals]
Look, I'm out of ideas.
I want to play guitar.
I- I want to shred
at big metal shows.
I was like you, mate.
Used to be in a band.
What? The guitar?
Triangle.
Yeah.
I wanted to work
my way up to the top.
Go pro.
A pro... triangle-er?
Yeah, but the triangle
scene is so bitchy.
Now look at me.
Livin' La Vida Loca, mate.
Yeah. Um...
Look, if you can't keep a job, I'm going
to have to cut your welfare payments.
What? No, no, you can't do that.
Oh, but I can. Yeah. Very easy.
Big red button.
Sometimes I hit on an accident.
Whoa.
Cut, cut, cut.
Yeah, they don't even realise,
till the next day.
People come in, moaning.
Oh,
my kids are sleeping in a skip.
I went to sell my meat flaps to a
bunch of truckies in the car park
to get a finger blasted
for some baby food.
Ugh, never hear the end of it.
I do actually know someone that
could help you, though.
Isn't that your job?
Jesus Christ.
Look, if you come to my prayer group,
help clean up around the church a bit,
I won't cut your welfare.
Well,
you can't make me go to church.
Yeah, but I can cut your money.
I don't like doing it, but...
You do like doing it though?
Oh, yes, I do. I love doing it.
It's that big old button.
Cut, cut, cut.
[slicing sound]
It's addictive.
It's really addictive.
Thank you.
[Alien Weaponry "Mau Moko" plays]
[Mau Moko transitions to
comtemplative piano]
Fuck yes.
Now that's a record, man.
[strumming guitar unplugged]
[Stlker "Black Majik Terror"
plays]
[knocks over bottles]
Black... Majik... Terror...
[screams]
[passes out into bottles]
[phone ringing]
[phone ringing]
[Both] Hello?
Hello. Is that you, Medina?
Fuck, Brodie, I told you to
stop calling me.
No, no, no. It-it-it's me.
It's Bro-It-it-It's Brodie.
Yeah,
no, I know it's you, Brodie.
No one else drunk dials me at
3 in the morning.
Wha? No, it's 10:30.
Wait.
Oh, I am so, so sorry..
Uh, for everything,
you know,
and I wanted to just say,
I wanted to tell you that...
That you love me. I know.
You drunk call me and do this
every week. Just...
Just move on, okay, Brodie?
I have.
[click]
[sad pathetic music swells]
[80s sitcom music]
[CHEERING]
[dog barking]
Hey, Mr. Cranfield.
(LAUGHTER)
Oh. Sorry, dude.
[sad 80s sitcom music]
[audience "Awww"]
[canned laughter]
[French kissing]
[love making groans]
[Garrett McKinney
"Demotep Transmutation" plays]
[changes channels]
[changes channels]
Are you an unemployed
friendless loser
who dreams of being a star?
Pfft. No. I got a dog.
If you just talked at the TV,
then this next story
might be for you!
Rock contest, NOIZEQUESis giving bands a shot
at metal stardom.
Prizes include ten thousand
dollars cash
and a record deal.
This year, the self-described
"Heartcore" band
Rewind Her Funeral Tape
are hot favourites...
Hello, my beautiful children.
Other metal bands sing about...
murder, Satan, dragons...
cringe boomer shit.
I write
about real human emotions.
Like when my grandma died.
(SIGHS)
I got her inked right here.
I based it on an old pic from
when she was still bang able.
[guitar noodling]
Grandma...
The fabric of the band has been
stitched in diversity.
I myself happen to be openly
lactose intolerant.
Vinny is neurodivergent.
He can't read, write.
Mikey, whilst not technically
a, uh..
"little person",
is very fucking short.
I tried to measure him once,
but he got away...
And our new singer,
she just so happens
to be rocking the
XX chromosomes.
Check her out, Medina.
Medina?
Isn't she glamorous
and beautiful...
Mysterious.
Non-binary, I think.
Uh...
Yes?
No?
I created my own genre,
and I coined it...
Heartcore.
Medina was actually there when
I came up with it, weren't you?
I'm...
constantly surprised
by some of the things
that come out of Jesse's
mouth... publicly.
Accompany me on our Heartcore
revolution.
[guitar feedback]
Fuck!
[VHS "If You Loved Me You'd
Let Me Eat Your Brains" plays]
[screams]
[guitar smashes]
[broken guitar sound]
(KNOCKING)
[wood cracking]
[glass breaking]
Oh!
Didn't know you were home.
I'm home.
I did knock.
I'm here to repo a guitar.
I'll get you a bag.
(AIR GUITAR SOUNDS)
(MOUTH GUITAR SOUNDS)
(MORE AIR GUITAR SOUNDS)
[evil sounds swell]
No. No way.
Stupid idea.
[bottles & cans clanking]
[evil music swells]
[electric zaps]
Probably shouldn't...
[guitar feedback]
[cans shaking]
(WOMAN'S MOANS)
(EVIL CACKLING)
(CHOKING A CHICKEN)
(SATIN LAUGHING)
(THUNDER)
Alright. Come on.
Bro.
I got one fucking arm.
How am I meant to scale a fence?
I'm gonna bail.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
No, you can't bail.
Look, I'm sorry I can't help you
teabag corpses or whatever, bro.
Dude, I'm gonna go home
and have a pizza,
topped with Oreos and
have a sad wank.
I need this.
Laters, bro.
[gate squeaking]
Fuck.
What the fuck are you thinking,
bro?
Last time we played those pages,
we almost destroyed the world.
All hell's gonna break loose, and my one
remaining arm's gonna get ripped off and
shoved up my ass by a
giant fucking demon, isn't it?
When I last translated those
pages, there were other spells.
Not just for summoning demons,
but spells for, like
making you rich.
You don't need magic for that.
Just get a fucking job.
And spells for bringing the
dead back to life.
Dude, this whole thing stinks
like a bouquet of dicks.
We owe it to Zakk and Dion, okay?
We were the ones that got them
killed in the first place.
You got them killed!
I just want it to be like it
was in the old times.
You know, back when
things were like,
Brutal as fuck!
(GUITAR POWER CHORD)
That's getting so old, bro.
(GUITAR STRING BREAKS)
Man,
It's crazy how they
refuse to let Zakk
and Dion be buried within
with the norms, bro.
Well, most of the townspeople still
think we're the ones behind the murders.
I mean, they kinda
have a point, bro.
Righty-oh!
Here we are. Let's do this.
Did you bring an instrument?
Yeah, bro.
A recorder?
What the fuck are
you, the Pied Piper?
Well, dude, it was this or me
dragging my drum kit
through a fucking graveyard,
bro. Just fucking take it.
This says if it's not played right,
they'd come come back wrong.
Wrong?
Yeah, but they'll be fine. Fine.
I mean, how hard can it be, right?
Five-year-olds play these things.
Yeah, yeah, but you...
You do know how
to play a recorder, right?
Yeah, yeah.
Piece of piss.
[screaching recorder sounds]
[orchestral strings]
[badly played recorder]
[electrical currents]
[screams]
[bones breaking flesh ripping]
[more recorder playing]
[takes a breath]
[yet more recorder playing]
[squirmy sounds]
[electric zaps]
[sad pathetic music]
So...
Not too bad, eh?
That fucking sucked.
Fuck me!
Well,
it didn't work anyway, so...
Maybe you're right.
Maybe it's just a shit idea.
Thank you.
Let's get out of here.
Share a pizza?
Yeah, bro.
Thanks, man.
With Oreos and jizz
[evil music swells]
[thunder rolls]
(Window breaking)
(Bottles breaking)
[strings build]
Gahh!
[growls]
[intense music]
[slam]
[growl]
[thwack]
[growl]
[scream]
[GROWL]
[OVERTHRUST "Foetus Initiation"
plays]
Zakk?
(Dog barking)
[dog wails]
Rattlehead!
[dog whimpering]
Rattlehead?
[bones & flesh crack]
Dion?
You ate my fucking dog, dude!
(Zombie Scream)
[growls]
[AXESLASHER "Bone Appetite"
plays]
Zakk!
Zakk, help me!
[thwack]
[scream]
[DION]: Fuck!!!
[DION]: Oi, body! Hey!
Brodie?
[DION]: Body, down here!
[DION]: Pick me up.
[DION]: OW! Oh fuck!
[DION]: Dickhead, no! Over!
[DION]:: For fuck's sake.
[DION]:
That's a cushion, you dick.
(Bottles breaking)
[paper rustling]
[laughs]
Oh, watch this, watch this.
He loves that album.
Hey, bro.
Awesome album, eh?
[crunch]
See? He loves it.
Oh man, we did it.
No! We need to re-kill them!
No way!
Look,
Zakk is responding to the metal.
Okay, We can teach him.
We can win NOIZEQUEST.
Bro! They are fucking dead!
OK,
so we'll all wear corpse paint
and no one will know
the difference.
Noooo
Alright, we'll split the
winnings. 5K each.
5K each?
5K each.
Fuck!
OK.
But I'm keeping
that Iron Maiden t-shirt.
Where are the Rotten
Cock Brothers?
[snoring]
(Glass breaking)
(Urinating)
[giggling]
Roger?
Is that you?
[giggling]
[giggling]
Eww.
You forgot to wipe your growler.
Ahh! Holy fuck!
[FLUSH]
(Screams)
Yeah. Get her body.
Give me!
Give me. Give me.
We're doing this stupid way.
Poke it in our neck hole.
Oh. Left. Left a bit.
You keep overshooting it.
OK, got it.
That's it.
Cool.
We got there.
Jen? You OK?
[growl]
(Screams)
[WINDSWEPT "Cenote" plays]
[grunts]
[clang!]
[clang!]
[growl]
(Screams)
Fucking Christ!
Zakk!
What are you doing?
Hangin' out.
Eating guts and shit.
Here, dig in, ladies.
[sniffles]
Shit, bro.
Police are gonna be real happy,
you buried them in shallow graves
on your property.
[coughs]
What happened?
The fuck are we?
It's the guts, OK?
After they ate the guts,
they got, like, smarter...
almost back to normal.
But what happens when they need
to eat again, brother?
Do we just feed them hobos until
NOIZEQUEST or...?
I haven't figured that part out
yet but when I do,
it's totally gonna work, dude.
Just like the old times.
[BULLETBELT "Deathgasm 2" plays]
[electric zaps]
[groans]
[screams]
[grunts]
[grunts]
[slo-mo laugh]
Hey, Jesse, did you want some
help with the lyrics?
I'm the one who has
to sing them, so...
I'm fine.
What rhymes with... 'nadir'?
How about reindeer? Like, you
can make it a Christmas song.
Ana, um, what is it that
you are drawing?
Just working on some new flash.
Oh.
Oh, my God.
I totally should tattoo you.
I'm pretty good. Check it out.
Anal?
No, silly, it says Ana. Just has
a fancy twirl at the end.
Then there's this...
Nowam lived?
It's supposed
to say "devil woman".
I did it in the mirror...
Shh...
[sound of sploodge]
[WO FAT "Nightcomer" plays]
(GROWL)
All right, look.
If this doesn't work out my
welfare gets cut, okay?
So just be normal.
Bro... Hungry...
Yeah, I know.
That's why I'm here with you.
Okay, I gotta keep an eye on you.
You can't keep
murdering random people.
Here we go.
[organ music plays]
(GROWLS)
Okay, um, please all welcome
Brodie to tonight's prayer group.
[Prayer Group]: Hi, Brodie.
Brodie has also brought a
friend along too.
What did you say your name was?
Zakk!
Um, it's Zakk.
[Prayer Group]: Hi, Zakk.
Hi, Zakk.
Be polite, yeah?
You guys have wicked instruments.
Brodie, could you please read
tonight's passage?
John 11.
Um, Jesus was still angry as
he arrived at the tomb.
A cave with a stone rolled
across its entrance.
"Remove the stone," he ordered.
But Martha protested.
"Lord, he has been dead
for four days."
"For four days.
The smell will be terrible."
Yeah, thank you.
Now let us all close our eyes
in prayer.
"O divine master, grant that I may not so
much seek to be consoled as to console."
"So it is that we must eat the body
of our Lord's Saviour, Jesus Christ,
"to love is to be loved,
when there is darkness, light.
And when there is sadness, joy.
"To be consoled is to console.
"To be understood
is to understand.
"Lord, make me an instrument
of thy peace.
"For it is in giving
that we receive.
"It is in self-forgetting
that we find.
"It is in pardoning
that we are pardoned."
"And it is in dying to ourselves
that we are born to eternal life."
"Where there is doubt, faith."
"Amen."
Oh.
Oh, why are you topless, Brodie?
Ah, yeah. I just got a bit hot.
Thinking about Jesus, you know.
Where's Mrs. Slooton?
I think she bailed.
Ah, sweet lady.
(GROWLING & EATING SOUNDS)
By the way,
I clogged the shitter in there.
[FROZEN SOUL "Glacial
Domination" plays]
(FEEDBACK)
[breathing heavy]
The police are gonna trace
this back to us, man.
We are fucked!
What's your plan for prison?
I'm gonna dry out a shit
and sharpen it into a shank
'cause nobody wants to get
stabbed by poo.
No-one's gonna
do any poo-stabbing.
It's gonna be fine.
OK,
let's start with something easy
How about, umm, how about
'Count Ejacula'?
Why did you bring me back?
I'm always cold, bro.
I smell like rot and I crave
guts all the time.
I think you should just kill me.
Oh, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey,
don't be like that.
I brought you back so we could rock
out, man, like old times, you know?
Brotherhood of Steel? Come on.
Oh!
Um...
Here, get this back on...
Ah! That's it.
(FLIES BUZZING)
Oh, actually, um...
While we're here, we'll just...
God, I need a drink.
Dion, fetch, beer.
Get your own beer.
(ELECTRIC ZAPPING)
Oh fuck, okay, okay.
Is that a shock collar?
Giles, he's not a dog.
Yeah, well, at least my zombie
hasn't murdered anyone lately.
Did notice you're, uh, running
out of backyard space, mate.
Here you go, dickhead.
OK, OK, can we just practice?
Uh, Zakk, why don't you kick it off
with one of those new bass lines?
Jesus.
You OK, bro?
Um, OK, Dion, maybe show us
your keyboard skills.
Fuck.
I forgot to pay the power bill.
I'm so sorry, guys.
We're gonna need to find a new
place to rehearse.
OK, everybody out. Come on.
OK, I'm gonna head for the door.
[Crashing]
[Giles]: (IN PAIN) Aw f-
[Brodie]:
OK, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
[Brodie]: Maybe we need
to wait for our eyes to adjust.
OK, can anybody see anything?
[Zakk]: Nothing.
[Dion]: How about me Brodie?
[Dion]: Can you see how
many fingers I'm holding up?
[HAVOK "Death Is An Illusion"
plays]
[HAVOK "Death Is An Illusion"
plays]
[CRAZY LIXX "Little Miss
Dangerous" plays]
Home, Sweet Home.
Holy shit, this place is sick!
How'd you score this?
The owner knows my mum.
It doesn't open till night, so we
get to rehearse here during the day.
Really?
Yeah, the owner's
totally boning your mum.
Yeah.
What? No, Uncle Jerry's cool.
He comes round
to visit sometimes.
He gives me money
to go see a movie.
Fucking idiots.
(HEAVENLY HARP SOUNDS)
Oh, don't...
[SNIFFING]
[CRAZY LIXX "Little Miss
Dangerous" plays]
It's definitely a pube...
[feedback]
OK, awesome.
Well,
let's have a crack at Medina.
A fucking love song?
This is important.
Bro, just have a wank so we
can go back to playing cool shit.
OK, I literally raised the dead
to make this happen.
From the top.
(Music plays)
No, no, no, it sucks.
So hungry.
It's fine, OK?
It's NOIZEQUEST soon.
There's going to be tons
of guts there.
Holy shit.
Wait here.
[sad but hopeful music]
[birds chirp]
Hey.
Hey.
Are you in Grey Point long or?
Just for NOIZEQUEST.
Oh, yeah,
with Rewind Her Funeral Tape.
Yes, actually.
Got some...
pretty big negotiations with
some major labels.
Wow, really?
You know what, Brodie? Fuck you.
OK, if you actually cared about
me, you would be happy.
You know, I'm actually working
my arse off
rather than rotting away
in this shit hole.
Yeah, well, what about Deathgasm?
We were going nowhere.
You expected me to
stick around forever
listening to you mope
about losing Zakk.
You know, you're one of the best
shredders that I've ever seen.
But you hardly ever practice.
You show up to gigs wasted.
You need to stop feeling
sorry for yourself
and get your shit together.
Yeah, what, like Jesse Dead?
Look, Jesse has... issues...
but he works fucking hard and
he's super committed to his band.
The only thing
that Jesse Dead works hard at
is looking like a fucking...
"Looking like a fucking" what?
Nothing. Nothing.
Just leave it, Jesse.
Shh.
You're about to say it's
slur, weren't you?
No, I wasn't.
Oh, shit.
Medina...
this is your ex-boyfriend, right?
The Toad Man
you were telling me about.
Don't be ashamed of
who you are, okay?
Be proud.
Be proud of having a bum
for a face.
I love your bum face.
Right.
Oh!
Ahhh!
That patch.
Are you really a fan of them?
What, you mean a fan of-
Shut up!
Don't you ever say their name.
[rip]
I mean...
[spits]
Well, I wouldn't say fan.
I'm going to punch you now.
[punch]
Ohhh!
Jesse! Don't!
These beads are from
ancient Egypt.
Suck on them and you shall
be forgiven for your misdeeds.
Ah!
[thud]
Count yourself lucky...
that you don't have any problematic
band tattoos that need removing.
Why do you have a laser?
Cheese grater.
Sends a message.
(SCREAMS & GROWLS)
Zakk! Get him!
(SCREAMS & BELL RINGING)
Kill! Kill!
Practicing some of my lyrics.
Zakk! Get him! Kill...
I'd love to stay and chat, but,
I've got to go over there
and be successful.
Let us ride forward.
Into the revolution.
And navigate the world.
Stay behind me.
Woman, get back here.
Woman, behind me.
Do you remember when...
[acoustic guitar]
You saved the whole
motherfucking world back then?
Cuz your name is Brodie
Yeah,
you saved the fucking world
Your name is Brodie
Holy shit.
Matt Heafy from Trivium.
What are you doing here in the
ass end of the world?
Wherever there's a metal head in
trouble, I'll be there.
I don't know.
I fucked up pretty bad.
I don't think it can be unfucked.
So you summoned the dead
to play in your band
and they started eating people...
That happens all the time.
I've got your back, Bro.
First we need to...
(SCREAM)
(FLESH EATING SOUNDS)
Oh my God! Oh, what the fuck?
NO!!
(SCREAM)
Help, Brodie!
Look, would it help
if I said, sorry?
Well, are you sorry?
I'm sorry I didn't chew more...
that Heafy is fucking repeating
on me, man.
(ZAPPING SOUND)
(SCREAM)
Get. Me. A. Drink.
I'm going to attach another
shock collar to your nuts.
I said to stop shocking him.
It's discipline! And don't
forget my lemon slice next time.
You slip up one day
and then I'll get that
remote and I'll stick
it up your ass! Ahhh!
(ZAPPING SOUND)
The training is going well.
(FLESH EATING SOUNDS)
Oh.
Easy there, little guy...
Easy there...
What you got there?
(SCREAMS)
[DRAGONCORPSE "Blood and
Stones" plays]
(SCREAMS)
(SCREAMS)
(SCREAMS)
(SINGING RUGBY SONG)
[shwing]
[boing]
[boing]
[boing]
Time to beat the meat!
(SCREAMS)
Hardly seem sporting for the
poor little bugger.
(SCREAMS)
My dick! My little dick!
[tuning guitar]
(GROWL)
Fuck me!
(LAUGHING)
I've had a gutsful man.
We need to kill them.
Giles, they're undead.
Yeah,
well we need to make them...
un-undead...
I don't...
If they run out of guts,
they'll turn on us.
You know they will.
Okay, look,
first we win the contest...
Yeah, that's not gonna happen!
And then I'll...
put them to sleep.
Dogs, get put to sleep.
But Dion is getting a pipe
bomb suppository...
if I don't get my drink soon.
Dion!?
Dion!?
Fuck, oh, what am I doing?
Alright.
Dion, where are you, little fuck?
C'mon, mate...
Where is that little
fucking cunt?
Oh...
What...
did he do...
with...
their dicks!
(FLIES BUZZING)
Dion's done a runner with them
like some sort of...
Cock Burglar.
Even your mum hasn't taken this
many dicks in one go.
Okay, look, we need bleach.
Bleach in our eyes isn't gonna
help us unsee this shit, man!
No, to clean up.
I'm out, alright?
Summoning undead monsters
is one thing...
but I draw the line at
manual labour.
Hey, hey, hey, hey, come on.
Look, we can't pike now.
Why not?
I love piking!
Piking is the shit!
Hey look, this is our shot, okay?
To show the world
we're not losers.
What have I got left?
Nothing.
You...
You've got...
You've got a dog.
Dion ate it.
Fuck.
True that.
[INTO ETERNITY "Timeless
Winter" plays]
[muffled mnusic]
[small talk]
No way.
We must be in the wrong place
this can't be a NOIZEQUEST.
This is New Zealand.
I mean, what were you expecting?
At least a sound shell.
And where are the crowds?
It's just a couple of pasty
spotty virgins.
Hey...
Love the look, guys.
You know I wasn't talking about
you just now, right?
Oh.
I see you bought my album.
Would you like me to sign
that for you?
Well,
get the fuck out of here then!
Jesus Christ.
[INTO ETERNITY "Timeless
Winter" plays]
My God.
I think my ears have just
contracted herpes.
Hey, watch out.
Those guys are searching people
for drugs near the bathrooms.
I got frisked.
Hold this.
Whoa.
[KSPLAT!]
[SOCK!]
[THWACK!]
[KAPOW!]
[OWW-WWEEE!]
[ZLONK!]
[KER-RUNCH!]
[KLONK!]
[POWIE!]
[GRRAAHH!]
[KERR-PLOW!]
Wow!
Where'd you learn
to fight like that?
I can't believe you beat
up drug inspectors.
Yeah.
[MUSIC SWELLS]
[foot steps]
Ew.
Ew.
(ELECTRIC SOUNDS)
[maniacal laugh]
Ooooohhhh!
Scream for me, Grey Point.
Scream for me!
[kiddie keyboard sounds]
[music]
Yes.
That's it.
[zombie sounds]
Rise.
Rise, my undead army.
[growl]
My legion of doom!
My black masses.
[thunder]
My...
[thunder]
Where are my masses?
Un-fucking believable.
Is it really just you, jokers?
Well, how are we going
to destroy the world now?
We'll be lucky if we could
destroy a bouncy castle!
Pathetic!
Oh, wait, wait, wait!
Where are you going?
We can still destroy a little
bit of the world.
Smash some phone booths.
Or rampage a Macca's,
turn some others into zombies.
We'll just see
where the night takes us.
Yes!
Yes.
Yes!!
Oh, nothing can stop me.
And my...
small gaggle of doom.
That's it.
Yeah.
Get your shamble on
Romero it.
Yeah?
Maybe let out
a few MMRRRGGHH's.
[growls]
Yeah, yeah!
Nice, nice!
People will go mad with terror
when they see us coming.
Ohhhhh!
Let's go shopping!
[ANVIL "Beat The Law" plays]
We wage war on the living!
And burn their houses.
Desecrate their churches.
Then fiddle with their corpses.
(LAUGHING)
But first...
we roll.
[die rolling]
Fuck!
I mean, fuck yeah!
Lucky number one!
Victory is certain!
(POLICE SIRENS)
[ANVIL "Beat The Law" plays]
Oh goodie.
[siren and bicycle bell]
[ANVIL "Beat The Law" continues]
[whistle]
[click]
[paper flip]
[swoosh]
[squeak]
[growl]
[squeak]
[growl]
[squeak]
[growl]
[squeak]
[ANVIL "Beat The Law" continues]
[screams]
[KERR-RUNCH!]
[SPLAT!]
[GROWL]
(SCREAMS)
[goopy fleshy sounds]
[growl]
[PESTILENTIAL SHADOWS "Impaled
By The Moon" plays]
[KRR-SPLONK!]
[ZAP!]
Oh, your benefit is cut.
[shredding sound]
Cut!
Bludging parasite!
You're cut.
You're poor. You're poor!
Cut, cut.
That's enough fun for tonight.
There's work to be done.
I'm on to you, Brodie.
(LOADS GUN)
They call me
the "ghoulie-sniffer".
I have the ability to smell
evil out from...
(GROWL)
Oh, hello.
Were you there the whole time?
(SCREAMS)
Stop!
I'm a government employee!
[KWACK!]
[THHEEWANK!]
[VRONK!]
(GROWL)
[BIFF!]
AHHH!
[CLANK-EST!]
Brodie sent you.
I know all about your evil little
coven of Satan, buggers.
[CRAAACK!]
I'm cutting your welfare!
[THWAPE!]
[laughing]
Devil worshippers...
time to accept Jesus' love.
All nine millimeters of it.
[SKINLESS "The Hordes" plays]
Okay, go like this.
Jesus, man.
Forget bush...
this chick's got
a fucking rainforest.
Now for the eyes, I'm
thinking maybe like big black...
Actually, you're good.
You're done.
You feeling more brutal?
I feel hungry.
Already?
Here you go, Bro.
Fuck this.
I've got guts full of... guts.
Dude, you have to eat those,
you're a zombie.
I don't have to do shit.
I used to think murder was cool,
and now that lame cunt Dion's doing it.
I'm over it.
You know what?
I'm quitting eating people.
Bro, you know what that means
though, right?
It means you're a...
vegan zombie.
Fuck it.
At least I'm following my own
path instead of being a mindless...
you know.
Same old Zakk.
Being a stubborn cunt doing the
opposite of what people expect.
That's metal as fuck.
Still might have the odd nibble on
the ethically sourced entrails, but...
no more killing.
All right, I think we're ready.
Let's go.
I'll go get the gats.
Our set's gonna suck, bro.
We've had, like,
fuck all practice.
And we're down a keyboard player.
Already sussed.
I recorded all of Dion's
keyboard parts
just in case he died.
What does that one say?
Does that one say drums?
Ah, no, nothing.
The fuck you playing at, Brodie?
That's fine. All right, if
we leave now, we
can make it in time for
another rehers...
[trigger clicking]
[music]
Fuck, fuck, fuck,
fuck, fuck, fuck.
Get off,
you fucking useless shit.
Fuck!
Come here you, bastard!
You aren't going nowhere,
Satan boy.
Uh, did you mean, like...
anywhere?
Because
if he ain't going nowhere,
then I think
he is going somewhere.
Listen, smartass.
I don't take shit from no one,
OK?
If you want your mate here to
make it out alive.
Maybe not correct me again!
I meant...
Yeah?
I'll kill this demon worshipper
to death.
(Whispering)
Don't you fucking...
Zakk!
Get him, Zakk!
Kill this guy!
Murder him! Rub his guts out!
He's a ginger! Fuck this guy up!
Did I fucking stutter before?
Let's start over.
[SANGUISUGABOGG "Testicular
Rot" plays]
(SCREAMS)
Fucking shit!
Just relax, OK? Follow my lead.
Jonno's harmless.
Besides, he can't kill us.
The Bible won't let him.
He's a welfare case manager.
Do you know what they do
to people who are too useless
and deranged to work?
What?
They make them welfare
case managers.
Relax. It's gonna be fine, OK?
He's gonna find out we're the good
guys, and he's gonna just let us go.
Oh! Oh, good grief.
So many graves.
Dead bodies.
Not even buried that deep.
Is that a leg?
Mrs. Slooton?
Monsters!
OK. Well, y'know,
he can't hurt us.
He's a Christian. Heh.
[KLONK!]
Oh!
Fuck!
[spits]
Ah!
Look, there's been a
big misunderstanding.
I can explain everything.
Does it involve
dark occult magic?
No!
Ah well...
a little bit.
OK, so we did use black magic to
bring our mates back as zombies.
OK.
And the dead bodies?
Yeah, well, OK. Turns out zombies
are a bit more bitey than we thought.
We had no idea.
And they're like
bloody pit bulls.
Like, you turn your back for one
second and they're mauling a ran do
And we did try to stop them, but
it's kind of like David Attenborough,
when he's filming and he sees,
like, he sees...
A giraffe face fucking a python.
Dude, what?
Yeah, and old man Attenborough,
he's like, "And that's nature".
And then they film,
like, a giraffe
using a snake as a pocket pussy.
Jesus.
So, yeah, so, anyway, it's
kind of the same situation for us.
And when you think about it, you know,
although they are ugly, mindless monsters...
I'm right here.
Aren't they God's creatures, too?
You guys think I'm stupid, eh?
Cut the bullcrap, lads!
No, look, it's all true, apart from
the giraffe pocket pussy thing.
I bet it's happened
at least once, cunt.
Oh.
I've unmasked a Dungeons &
Dragons death cult.
What?
Actually, that's Leviathan's
and Labyrinth's.
We couldn't get a license to
use the one that you said.
So... you lure people in here...
to play a game of
Dungeons & Dragons...
Uhh, Leviathan's and Labyrinth's.
So what, are we gonna cut there?
Are we gonna, what, retake?
I mean,
we're just gonna fix it in post?
Fix it in post.
Sweet, I'm sure,
no one will notice.
Once you finished playing...
-[Voice over]
-Leviathan's and Labyrinth's~
you kill them!
Fiddle with their corpses.
Eat their little arseholes, eh?
Not anymore. I'm a vegan.
We know. You mention it every
five minutes.
I should call the police.
But I must follow the teachings
of the good book.
Forgiveness?
Kindness?
Death by stoning.
Pfft. Fucking bring it on.
I once smoked a full ounce
of nuggs in one session.
It was all Brodie's fault!
Untie me! Give me some stones!
I'll fucking stone the cunt myself!
Giles, your throw is limper
than a retirement
village gang bang.
Having a go at the arm...
No, I was not. Besides, there's
nothing wrong with the arm.
It's just attached to a
pathetic sack of turds.
(GROWLS)
Oh! Oh! It's...
-[Voice over]
-Leviathan's and Labyrinth's~
Fans!
Die, you evil bastard!
[BLAMO!]
[Bone Storm "Ritual Supremacy"
plays]
[growls]
[KER-POW!]
[PEWWW!]
[PEW!]
[growls]
[POWIE!]
[URKKK!]
[KA-BLAM!]
God!
Why are there more zombies,
Brodie?
Have you been noodling with the
forces of darkness again?
It wasn't me. I don't know. Maybe
it's an unrelated zombie outbreak.
Wait, are those not your...
-[Voice over]
-Leviathan's and Labyrinth's~
mates?
Quick! Does the Bible of any
tips for killing zombies?
Uh, murder... incest...
God makes a bear kill children...
more incest...
Uh, this should work.
Damn it.
Where's that cunt going?
(GROWLS)
[Bone Storm "Ritual Supremacy"
continues]
Spin clockwise!
No, no, no!
Counterclock wise!
Holy shit!
Line me up!
[RRAAWWR!]
[growls]
Stop spinning!
I'm gonna...
I'm gonna hurl, guys.
Oh, God.
[AWWW-REETTCCCHHH!]
[AAARRRGGGGGHHHHHHH!]
[AWKKKKKKKKKKKKKK!]
[GGRRFFPTBLPPPHHAAAZZZ!]
[KA-RIP!]
That was foul.
[KAOSIS "Goremaggeddon" plays]
[screams & ouchies]
Hey!
You animals!
What do you think you're doing?
Never seen anything
so disgusting in my life!
[growl]
Nothing but filthy gatecrashers!
I don't see a single wristband
in here!
[growl?]
So either you go to the front
door and you buy a ticket,
all major credit cards
and digital wallets accepted,
or you filthy
gatecrashers are gonna
Get. These. Hands.
[KAOSIS "Goremaggeddon" plays]
[BOFF!]
[GGA-RAWWW!]
[SCHWACK!]
[PLEWWWIEE!]
[GRRR-WEEEEEE!]
[FFLLNNGGG-PLOPP!]
Come on!
[GRRR]
Die, gatecrasher!
[VRONK!]
[EEE-YAWWW!]
[KKSPLATT!]
Get off me!
Get the fuck off me!
AAHHHHHHH!
OOOOWWWWWW!
My hand!
[BIG SCREAMING BABY]
[KRRACKK-RIP!]
(SCREAMS)
No!
No! No!
[GLURPP!]
OOOWWWWW!
Ah, my hands!
(SCREAMS)
[ZZZOOOMMMM!]
[CHESTCRUSH "The Despiser" plays]
Fuck, man, it's all
turned to custard again.
Oh, don't mention food.
Maybe it'll just go away
by itself, yeah?
Go away by itself?
It's a zombie apocalypse, Brodie
not a bad case
of the fucking squirts!
Where the fuck
are we going anyway?
NOIZEQUEST.
NOIZEQUEST??
You got a Medina stiffy again?
Fuck's sake, bro.
Just pull over and have
a wank, all right?
Look, there's a Kmart catalogue
in the glove box.
Page five.
Premium jerk-off material, man.
The knickers page.
A bit sticky, but...
Now, we've got to play the 'Uno
reverse' trick, you know?
The old play the song
backwards thing.
It worked last time, remember?
I remember it made no sense and
was stupid as fuck.
Okay, well, the NOIZEQUESamps are going to
blast the reverse magic music
all across town, and, you know,
if we happen to see Medina,
then we happen to see her...
You do have the pages though,
right?
Yes, I said.
Shit, living or dead?
Doesn't matter, don't stop.
I can't,
it's against the road code.
Fuck.
Dion?
I knew we shouldn't have stopped.
Oh, Jesus!
So that's where they went?
Classic Dion.
Always collecting things, eh?
Glad you're okay, dude.
We thought we lost you back
at the...
Oh, cut the shit.
You didn't lose me,
I emancipated myself.
Whatever tickles your pickle.
Are you going
to a fancy dress party?
No.
Thought I'd look snazzy for
the special night.
Oh, rad!
Oh,
for a second there I thought you
were bailing on NOIZEQUEST.
NOIZEQUEST?
I'm not playing with you tossers.
So what's with the clothes?
It's coronation night.
I'm the king of the dead.
Rise, my undead army, rise!
(PLAYS MUSIC)
I thought you had the pages.
I do! I mean, I did!
(RESERECTION MUSIC)
Oh, my god! It...
It's...
well, it's a handful. Uhm.
It's almost a bunch.
Pretty scary.
This modest smattering of zombies
is like loosely surrounding us.
We don't have weapons. I mean,
what do we do, here?
Okay, we don't have weapons,
but we do have a Zakk.
Bash them, Zakk! Kill them!
I keep saying I'm done
with killing.
But bro, it's not murder, cuz
they're already dead.
Okay, they're getting
a bit closer now.
Um, okay.
Hey, Zakk.
Heard some of those zombies
calling you a pussy.
I don't care.
Which one though?
All of them.
And they were also saying
that you sit down
in public loos and
pee like a little girl.
I'm sorry,
how do they not know that I
was wee-ing about to take a poo?
I heard the one saying that Zakk's
got a really soft limp handshake as well.
Well, I can't help that.
My hands have been
rotting in the ground for
the last ten years.
Yeah, but they also said that
you ride a girls bike,
one with a low bar, so you
don't bump your fanny.
That bike was unisex.
[ORGANECTOMY "Plague Mouth"
plays]
Fuck!
That was pretty fucked, bro.
Oh, jeez!
Take it easy on that one.
Fuck me!
Far out...
Impressive.
But they were pawns.
Now you face the Queen!
Called it.
Ay-yi-yi-yi!!!
Um.
Stalemate?
(SCREAMS)
[Dance of the Sugar Plum
Fairy plays]
AAAHHHH!
[SPLAT]
[THWUNK]
[GUMPH]
[PFFRRT]
[KKKFLUURMMP]
[HUK-TOOWIE]
(SCREAMS)
I am a limbless freak!
Oh, get fucked, cunt!
Oh,
another sprinkling of zombies.
Quick, let's bail.
Hang on, hang on.
The Black Hymn.
[grunts & growls]
Let's go.
[car engine starts]
Ah!
How dare they foil my vengeance!
I'm gonna have to avenge the
vengeance foiling
and take my original vengeance.
[engine revs]
Follow me!
[car drives away]
Fuck it. My body's rooted.
Okay, scrape up what you can
And get me gaffer tape!
[KKRRRRIPPPP]
[music]
I can't tolerate intolerance.
When I suspect someone is
being intolerant, I don't put up with it.
I punch them. Hard.
Knock their thoughts back into
their head before they become words.
I can't stand hearing things
that I don't agree with, y'know?
Sounds sane.
Exactly.
(SCREAM)
What was that?
Vinny, go check it out.
Hey! Get the fuck out of here!
Oh! Oh!
(FLESH EATING)
Okay, we gotta go!
Oh, get out!
Quick, hurry!
Jesse, the band mates!
They're dead.
What?
I saw them die.
Open the door!
Jesus!
Open the door!
It could be a pandemic. They
might infect me.
Hurry, Jesse! Come on, man!
[screams]
[KKRRR-SPLOOSH!]
You okay?
I'll record a song
in their honour.
With 10% of sales going towards
climate change charities,
that's what they would've wanted.
They wanted you to open the door.
Shut up!
My friends,
and the drummer, just died.
Can you not see how this
affected my mental health?
What was wrong with those people?
Pale, decayed skin,
reeking like rotten meat,
acting like animals.
Isn't it obvious?
Grindcore fans.
No, they weren't human.
I don't know what they were,
but I'm pretty sure I know the
moron who created them.
(SCREAMS)
Jesus.
It's not fair.
I'm too talented to die.
(GROWLS)
Oh my God!
[BEASTWARS "Daggers" plays]
Fuck me!
Oh, Jesus.
Jesus Christ, it's certainly
deader than last year, right?
Holy shit.
It's unfortunate they're dead, because
some of them are real fuckable, man.
Especially that one.
(PLAYS RECORDER)
Wow.
That was terrible.
I want you two ladies to know...
that you don't need to be
afraid down here.
I will protect you
until my last breath.
[KLONK!]
(SCREAMS)
Medina!
(SCREAMS)
You're OK.
You dicked with dark
magic and summoned evil
beyond human comprehension
again, didn't you?
Hi, Zakk.
Sweetheart.
Oh, here we go.
Everything's my fault.
Yeah, he did. He played music
from the Black Hymn to raise the dead.
For the right reasons. I had no
idea it was all going to go... weird.
Hand them over. OK, you are now
banned from meddling in Black Magic.
The Black Hymn has tons
of other spells.
OK, one of the verses maxes
out your stats.
Charisma, wealth, fame...
we could all be Keanu Reeves.
Why the fuck didn't
we do that one?
Well, it also opens a portal to hell
and unspeakable evil pours out, so...
You're not responsible enough to
cook 2-minute noodles.
Give me the pages...
Now!!
Jesse!
[KKAYO!]
Fuck!
No no no no!!!!
[OOOFF!]
Fuck...
These pages could end
world hunger
solve the climate change crisis,
make ugly people stay inside
so we don't have to look at them.
Think about how much good
someone could do.
Not me, though.
I am going to make the world
my bitch.
Namaste.
Fuck!
Wait! Wait! I can help you!
Don't kill me!
Guts are back on the menu, boys!
No! God, help me! No!
(SCREAMS)
Fuck, Brodie, what were you
thinking messing with those pages?
I just... I wanted things to be
like they were, you know?
Like, I wanted to get the band
back together and I thought...
I thought if I could win
NOIZEQUEST, I could...
win you back
and show you that I...
I don't know, show you that
I wasn't a loser.
Brodie, you are a loser.
And that's what I love about you.
I mean,
your lack of common sense,
self-awareness and personal
growth are adorable, but...
we're never getting
back together.
Because I've...
kinda met someone new.
Ah... I get it.
One of Ana's guy mates.
You're a walking advert for the
dangers of sniffing glue during pregnancy.
Who then? Her brother?
(MIC FEEDBACK)
Hello, NOIZEQUEST!
How are you doing tonight?
Oh, fuck!
Man, this crowd is dead.
We better get them moving.
The song's an oldie. Eons old.
A little ditty
from the Black Hymn.
That I call...
Reanimate and Terminate.
But how? You don't
have the pages.
Yeah, and when you did you
must have fucked up the song.
Your zombie army could comfortably
fit inside a Mitsubishi Mirage.
You are a shit musician.
Huh. Maybe I am.
Which is why I've recruited...
a new guitarist.
Jesse, what the fuck?
That's right.
We've formed a super group.
Fuck, Jesse, what are you doing?
What, you're collabing
with zombies now?
Dion's gonna raise an army
of the undead.
He won't stop until there's
no one alive to
ring him out for the shit stains
in his undies.
Just shut the fuck up, Giles!
And apologise!
And then I will stop.
Never! You have to kill us all
first, bro. Right?
Right?
No.
Please, Jesse, don't do this, OK?
You're right.
I'm not gonna do it.
Let's go, guys.
Just joking.
Of course I'm
gonna fucking do it.
Fuck.
Whilst you guys are out there
clogging up zombies' toilets,
I'll be playing stadiums on my
End of the World tour.
Welcome
to the Heartcore Revolution.
(GUITAR FEEDBACK)
A HYMN TO END THE WORLD,
A REQUIEM TO RAISE THE DEAD.
ONCE WHISPERED IN THE SHADOWS,
NOW IT'S SCREAMED
OUT LOUD INSTEAD.
(DEATH METAL SCREAM)
You ready?
(SCREAMS)
Oh, fuck!
They killed the girl who knows
Medina's new boyfriend...
Somehow.
Hey!
We need to stop the song somehow.
OK, we drown them out.
We play something so fucking
heavy and loud,
they won't be able to hear
the magic spell.
They won't be able to summon
a wet fart...
Dude! Stop fucking talking.
Let's do this shit, cunt!
(SHITTY KEYBOARD SOLO)
Eat shit, cunt!
Grandma...
WE.
ARE.
DEATHGASM!
(SCREAMS)
FUCK YOU,
WE WON'T LET YOU BE HEARD.
OUR MUSIC WILL SILENCE
YOUR EVERY WORD
SHUT UP,
WE'LL DROWN OUT YOUR VOICE,
STOP YOU WITH TRVE METAL NOISE!
Oh Shit, it's working!
SHUT UP,
WE'LL DROWN OUT YOUR VOICE,
STOP YOU WITH TRVE METAL NOISE!
(WORLD'S GREATEST TRIANGLE SOLO)
Jono's helping them now!?
Jesus, he is playing ever loving
shit out of that thing!
Sounding fucking tight!
Awesome, right?
The best triangle solo
I've ever fucking seen, man.
Fuck off, Brodie!
(SCREAMS)
STOP LIVING IN THE PAST...
YOUR WANKY LYRICS SUCK,
FUCKING BLOW-HARD PRICK.
YA GOT A DICTIONARY,
BUT YOU DON'T HAVE A DICK.
You fucking wanker!
No wristband...
Oh fuck!
Wristband...
Fuck you, Jesse Dead!
Lick my fucking pussy, you cunt!
Fuck you, man.
STOP LIVING IN THE PAST...
LIFE HAS GONE ON FAR TOO LONG.
METALHEADS DON'T BACK DOWN.
IF WE FALL WE PICK
EACH OTHER UP.
FIGHT TOGETHER,
PROUD AND STRONG,
AND DIE WITH METAL IN OUR BLOOD.
(EPIC MUSIC)
Brodie!
Come on, bro! Come on!
Fucking do it, cunt!
(THE GREATEST GUITAR SOLO EVER)
(HE'S STILL SHREDDING)
(WOW.
(IF ONLY YOU COULD HEAR THIS)
(THE POWER CHORD TO END ALL
POWER CHORDS)
[KAAAPLLEEWWWIEEE]
[KKKRRASSSH!]
[BLAMMM!]
[KKKKZZZZZAAAPPPP!]
EEE-YOW!
KAAAHHH!
AWWWWWKKKK!
[FLRBBBBB!]
[ZZZZIPP! ZAAAP!]
[KKKK-PLOOOOOW!]
[KKK-BOOOOM!]
AAAHHHH!
GRRRAAAH!
AAAHHHHH
[SSSPPLLAATT]
Grandma, you look beautiful!
Come with me.
[KKKK-PPPPOOOMMM!]
Ah, namaste!
[KKKKPLOSSION!]
[LAUGHING]
[GROWLS]
Oh! Fuck me!
[KKAA-BAA-KKABAA-BLLEEEWWIEEE!]
AAAWWWWW
OWWW-AHHH!
Hey...
I-I-I think
we should call a truce.
I can draft up
a quick peace treaty
with some favorable conditions.
Can...
Can one of you please put
a pen in my mouth?
What do we do with him?
I bags him.
Reckon we could make a
pretty sweet bong out of him.
No, no, anything
but that, please!
Or a flesh light.
Bong's fine.
Bong's fine.
There's something I need to get
off my chest, you know?
Something I should have said
yonks ago.
I...
I'm sorry...
Giles... I...
I'm sorry,
I'm not wearing my
steel-capped boots!
[ZOK!]
Oh, bastard!
(BOTTLES AND CANS CRASHING)
Guys, I just realised something.
We fucking did it!
Saved the world.
We won NOIZEQUEST.
Oh, Jesus Christ, dude.
Fucks sake!
[laughter]
We did. We won.
Dude, come on, man.
Everyone died, bro.
Exactly! Exactly!
All the other bands are dead!
Disqualified!
Except us!
[laughter]
Where do you think
they keep the prizes?
Jesus Christ, dude, that
is so fucking grim.
That's pretty fucked up, Brodie.
Nah, fuck it.
I worked hard for this.
Yep, yep, sucks how it
turns out, but I deserved this.
Every day of my life, someone
called me a loser.
I've won NOIZEQUEST.
Don't touch me, Brodie.
And no one can ever, ever take
that away from me.
(APPLAUSE)
"Just stoooppp itttt!"
And it's official.
NOIZEQUEST has a winner.
No, not the dozens of metal fans
and performers tragically killed.
GWAR has stolen the show.
The intergalactic rock band
crashed the doomed competition.
[GWAR "Jack The World" plays]
GWAR then proceeded to declare
themselves the winner.
Well, good for them, I guess.
Look,
they didn't even register, okay?
If I mug Meryl Streep for a trophy
that does not make me an Oscar winner.
GWAR did not win.
Yeah, they did.
Said so on the TV.
It makes me happy to know that
we are superior to human scum.
The enemy bands were
so pathetic, they couldn't
even stay alive long enough for
us to conquer them.
(LAUGHS)
They were defeated by the
greatest band of the night...
And the galaxy.
All the other bands were lucky
they died first.
That way
they didn't have to see their
parents' scalps used as artisan
genital warmers.
At least they died swiftly
and won't have to
watch us devour their children
and defile their pets.
So while the tragedy of NOIZEQUEST is
immeasurable, it gives us solace that with
everything lost, there was
still something won.
That's total bullshit.
Come on guys, we playing or what?
Right now, where were we?
Oh yes, Brodie's getting
buggered by a pack of Yetis.
What? I cast invisibility.
Pfft. Invisibility
doesn't work on Yetis.
Dumb.
If you hadn't have pickpocketed a dragon,
we wouldn't have had to flee into the
Labyrinth of Despair,
ass-deep in Yetis.
Dragons have sweet loot.
Dragons don't have pockets.
Fuck this. Y'know,
I'm not playing.
CoughLoser.
Zakk, you're up.
I ate Brodie's horse.
What?
We're now going live
for the premiere of GWAR's
latest song, The Black Hymn.
The band claimed to
have been inspired
by music pages they
looted from NOIZEQUEST.
Uh...
(BLACK HYMN MUSIC)
(screaming)
Righto.
Um...
Well, Zakk rolled a Crit.
You successfully
devoured Brodie's mare alive.
Suck it, baby.
Come on,
does no one else see this?
Dion is making me lose out of spite. It's like
the Forest of Dicks campaign all over again...
[SKULL FIST "Heavier Than
Metal" plays]
(music)
Gemma Holstein...
French Kelly. Well, it's
the guillotine for you, mate.
Bradley James Letourneau?
Yeah, there's no way I'm typing
all of that out.
So, just gonna cut that.
And then...
Mini Mila Muffin.
You're gonna buy drugs. You're
gonna buy drugs.
Josh Doria.
Oh, hate your haircut.
Juliet Lalouel
Hope you enjoy
your open plan living.
Kent Davis.
Yeah, no more money for you.
Sorry, Kent. Yeah, bye-bye.
Shawn Rupe & Kat
Double cut.
Oh, thanks, guys. A little
two for one special.
Appreciate it.
Shits gonna explode.
Dr. Jason Veith.
Doctor? Okay.
Maybe consider selling organs,
mate.
Cousin Matt?
Oh, small world.
Well, I always say family comes
first, but...
this time you've ended up last,
so...
Sorry, mate. See ya.
Oh, that was hard.
Alright.
That's enough fun for tonight.
[ELM STREET "Take The
Night" plays]
[BULLETBELT "Deathgasm 2" plays]
[KAOSIS "Goremageddon" plays]
[muffled metal music through
bathroom wall]
[grunt]
[man urinating]
[still urinating]
[coughs]
[he's still pissing]
[shakes it off & walks away]
Do you remember when
he saved the whole
motherfucking world back then?
Behold his glory
He did this all for you,
my god damn friends
In times of war we need a
hero to save us all
But we're stuck with Brodie
Yeah he saved the fuck in world
His name is Brodie
After he unleashed
the devil's hordes
Yeah, he fought the demons
'til they fell
Cause his balls-up opened the
gates of hell.
His name is Brodie
He's a LARPing metal geek
His name is Brodie
Still needs a nightlight
just to sleep
Beat up some demons with a
rubber dong
This is Brodie's goddamn
fuckin' song
His name is Brodie
Kicked some demons
in the sack.
Although his pants
were a bit shat.
Biceps softer
than cookie dough.
But he saved the day
with a sick solo!
(sick guitar solo)
Whoaaaa...
Hmmmm...
Whoaaaa...
Whoaaaa...
Whoaaaaooooaaaaoooooh...
His name is Brodie
Fuck yeah!
Do you remember when
He had to kill his band mate,
his best friend?
True fucking story
He finally ended
up with his dream girl
Till she dumped his broke ass,
Now it's Brodie against
the world
(METAL AS FUCK SCREAM)
[falling sound]
(EXPLOSION)
[guitar chord]
[paper crumpling]
[guitar chord]
[paper rip]
[Beastwars - "Waves"
plays in background]
Dude, why are you naked?
I got bored, bro,
when you passed out
and decided to play solitaire
Strip solitaire.
Oh no, hey, Rattlehead,
No, no, hey, no
You seen my t-shirt anywhere bro?
No
I'm gonna grab one of yours
[bottles & cans knocked over]
[Rattlehead whines]
Iron Maiden?
No fucking way, that's vintage
What about this one, Metallica?
What album?
Load
That's my wank rag
Oh, fuck!
Ahh... this'll do.
No, no, no way, any
shirt but that.
T-take Iron Maiden
This is Medina's
old shirt isn't it?
Please just take it off
I heard she's playing some
pretty big shows in the city, bro
Bet she's pulling a lot
of dude groupies, man
She'll be up to her neck in,
like, cocks
Dude, shut up.
Like a tornado of dicks, man.
A Dicknado
Guyclone.
Okay, okay, I get it.
She's probably having sex.
Jizzard.
Medina's getting sprayed with
all this milky white...
Dude, shut up.
Get fucking...
Stop!
Take the t-shirt off now.
Oh, fucking stinky cunt.
It's hormonal.
[farts]
[fart]
[fart]
[fart]
Here, have your fucking
"Medina shirt" back
[sad pathetic music]
[Rattlehead whimpering]
[playing the guitar unplugged]
[electrical current]
[evil music swells]
[wind howls]
Black Hymn is absolute power.
We should learn this, turn
it into a Deathgasm song.
Deathgasm song, Deathgasm song.
Deathgasm song...
[Screams]
[Evil Growl]
[bed deflates]
Juvenile.
[orchestral hit]
Useless.
[orchestral hit]
Offensive.
[orchestral hit]
Stupid.
You're ex-employers.
They all hate you.
Me? What about them?
They were like ordering me
around all day, telling me what to do.
They were so...
Bossy. Yeah.
Bosses tend to be bossy.
Okay. Well, let's thoroughly
assess your education.
Okay.
And we're done.
You have no education.
Well, that's because there was a
demon apocalypse at my high school.
It's pretty hard to learn when your
teacher is possessed and talking gibberish.
Mmm.
You could have learned Latin,
Yeah?
Personal presentation. This
can be quite a sensitive topic.
But let's state the obvious.
The body odour.
You are unbearably smelly.
You sweat like Kevin Spacey
in a ball pit.
Not in a good way.
I just want to forcibly
scrub you with the
lousing powder every time
you come in here.
Okay. Well, that's easy. I'll just spray
myself with a bit more Lynx next time.
So is that it?
Not even close.
Uh, bad breath.
Weird voice.
What?
Dandruff.
Objectively unattractive.
Whoa. That's pretty harsh.
It's not me saying it.
It's the form.
Look,
facial unpleasantness aside...
the hair and beard make
you look like a cult leader.
[heavenly vocals]
Look, I'm out of ideas.
I want to play guitar.
I- I want to shred
at big metal shows.
I was like you, mate.
Used to be in a band.
What? The guitar?
Triangle.
Yeah.
I wanted to work
my way up to the top.
Go pro.
A pro... triangle-er?
Yeah, but the triangle
scene is so bitchy.
Now look at me.
Livin' La Vida Loca, mate.
Yeah. Um...
Look, if you can't keep a job, I'm going
to have to cut your welfare payments.
What? No, no, you can't do that.
Oh, but I can. Yeah. Very easy.
Big red button.
Sometimes I hit on an accident.
Whoa.
Cut, cut, cut.
Yeah, they don't even realise,
till the next day.
People come in, moaning.
Oh,
my kids are sleeping in a skip.
I went to sell my meat flaps to a
bunch of truckies in the car park
to get a finger blasted
for some baby food.
Ugh, never hear the end of it.
I do actually know someone that
could help you, though.
Isn't that your job?
Jesus Christ.
Look, if you come to my prayer group,
help clean up around the church a bit,
I won't cut your welfare.
Well,
you can't make me go to church.
Yeah, but I can cut your money.
I don't like doing it, but...
You do like doing it though?
Oh, yes, I do. I love doing it.
It's that big old button.
Cut, cut, cut.
[slicing sound]
It's addictive.
It's really addictive.
Thank you.
[Alien Weaponry "Mau Moko" plays]
[Mau Moko transitions to
comtemplative piano]
Fuck yes.
Now that's a record, man.
[strumming guitar unplugged]
[Stlker "Black Majik Terror"
plays]
[knocks over bottles]
Black... Majik... Terror...
[screams]
[passes out into bottles]
[phone ringing]
[phone ringing]
[Both] Hello?
Hello. Is that you, Medina?
Fuck, Brodie, I told you to
stop calling me.
No, no, no. It-it-it's me.
It's Bro-It-it-It's Brodie.
Yeah,
no, I know it's you, Brodie.
No one else drunk dials me at
3 in the morning.
Wha? No, it's 10:30.
Wait.
Oh, I am so, so sorry..
Uh, for everything,
you know,
and I wanted to just say,
I wanted to tell you that...
That you love me. I know.
You drunk call me and do this
every week. Just...
Just move on, okay, Brodie?
I have.
[click]
[sad pathetic music swells]
[80s sitcom music]
[CHEERING]
[dog barking]
Hey, Mr. Cranfield.
(LAUGHTER)
Oh. Sorry, dude.
[sad 80s sitcom music]
[audience "Awww"]
[canned laughter]
[French kissing]
[love making groans]
[Garrett McKinney
"Demotep Transmutation" plays]
[changes channels]
[changes channels]
Are you an unemployed
friendless loser
who dreams of being a star?
Pfft. No. I got a dog.
If you just talked at the TV,
then this next story
might be for you!
Rock contest, NOIZEQUESis giving bands a shot
at metal stardom.
Prizes include ten thousand
dollars cash
and a record deal.
This year, the self-described
"Heartcore" band
Rewind Her Funeral Tape
are hot favourites...
Hello, my beautiful children.
Other metal bands sing about...
murder, Satan, dragons...
cringe boomer shit.
I write
about real human emotions.
Like when my grandma died.
(SIGHS)
I got her inked right here.
I based it on an old pic from
when she was still bang able.
[guitar noodling]
Grandma...
The fabric of the band has been
stitched in diversity.
I myself happen to be openly
lactose intolerant.
Vinny is neurodivergent.
He can't read, write.
Mikey, whilst not technically
a, uh..
"little person",
is very fucking short.
I tried to measure him once,
but he got away...
And our new singer,
she just so happens
to be rocking the
XX chromosomes.
Check her out, Medina.
Medina?
Isn't she glamorous
and beautiful...
Mysterious.
Non-binary, I think.
Uh...
Yes?
No?
I created my own genre,
and I coined it...
Heartcore.
Medina was actually there when
I came up with it, weren't you?
I'm...
constantly surprised
by some of the things
that come out of Jesse's
mouth... publicly.
Accompany me on our Heartcore
revolution.
[guitar feedback]
Fuck!
[VHS "If You Loved Me You'd
Let Me Eat Your Brains" plays]
[screams]
[guitar smashes]
[broken guitar sound]
(KNOCKING)
[wood cracking]
[glass breaking]
Oh!
Didn't know you were home.
I'm home.
I did knock.
I'm here to repo a guitar.
I'll get you a bag.
(AIR GUITAR SOUNDS)
(MOUTH GUITAR SOUNDS)
(MORE AIR GUITAR SOUNDS)
[evil sounds swell]
No. No way.
Stupid idea.
[bottles & cans clanking]
[evil music swells]
[electric zaps]
Probably shouldn't...
[guitar feedback]
[cans shaking]
(WOMAN'S MOANS)
(EVIL CACKLING)
(CHOKING A CHICKEN)
(SATIN LAUGHING)
(THUNDER)
Alright. Come on.
Bro.
I got one fucking arm.
How am I meant to scale a fence?
I'm gonna bail.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
No, you can't bail.
Look, I'm sorry I can't help you
teabag corpses or whatever, bro.
Dude, I'm gonna go home
and have a pizza,
topped with Oreos and
have a sad wank.
I need this.
Laters, bro.
[gate squeaking]
Fuck.
What the fuck are you thinking,
bro?
Last time we played those pages,
we almost destroyed the world.
All hell's gonna break loose, and my one
remaining arm's gonna get ripped off and
shoved up my ass by a
giant fucking demon, isn't it?
When I last translated those
pages, there were other spells.
Not just for summoning demons,
but spells for, like
making you rich.
You don't need magic for that.
Just get a fucking job.
And spells for bringing the
dead back to life.
Dude, this whole thing stinks
like a bouquet of dicks.
We owe it to Zakk and Dion, okay?
We were the ones that got them
killed in the first place.
You got them killed!
I just want it to be like it
was in the old times.
You know, back when
things were like,
Brutal as fuck!
(GUITAR POWER CHORD)
That's getting so old, bro.
(GUITAR STRING BREAKS)
Man,
It's crazy how they
refuse to let Zakk
and Dion be buried within
with the norms, bro.
Well, most of the townspeople still
think we're the ones behind the murders.
I mean, they kinda
have a point, bro.
Righty-oh!
Here we are. Let's do this.
Did you bring an instrument?
Yeah, bro.
A recorder?
What the fuck are
you, the Pied Piper?
Well, dude, it was this or me
dragging my drum kit
through a fucking graveyard,
bro. Just fucking take it.
This says if it's not played right,
they'd come come back wrong.
Wrong?
Yeah, but they'll be fine. Fine.
I mean, how hard can it be, right?
Five-year-olds play these things.
Yeah, yeah, but you...
You do know how
to play a recorder, right?
Yeah, yeah.
Piece of piss.
[screaching recorder sounds]
[orchestral strings]
[badly played recorder]
[electrical currents]
[screams]
[bones breaking flesh ripping]
[more recorder playing]
[takes a breath]
[yet more recorder playing]
[squirmy sounds]
[electric zaps]
[sad pathetic music]
So...
Not too bad, eh?
That fucking sucked.
Fuck me!
Well,
it didn't work anyway, so...
Maybe you're right.
Maybe it's just a shit idea.
Thank you.
Let's get out of here.
Share a pizza?
Yeah, bro.
Thanks, man.
With Oreos and jizz
[evil music swells]
[thunder rolls]
(Window breaking)
(Bottles breaking)
[strings build]
Gahh!
[growls]
[intense music]
[slam]
[growl]
[thwack]
[growl]
[scream]
[GROWL]
[OVERTHRUST "Foetus Initiation"
plays]
Zakk?
(Dog barking)
[dog wails]
Rattlehead!
[dog whimpering]
Rattlehead?
[bones & flesh crack]
Dion?
You ate my fucking dog, dude!
(Zombie Scream)
[growls]
[AXESLASHER "Bone Appetite"
plays]
Zakk!
Zakk, help me!
[thwack]
[scream]
[DION]: Fuck!!!
[DION]: Oi, body! Hey!
Brodie?
[DION]: Body, down here!
[DION]: Pick me up.
[DION]: OW! Oh fuck!
[DION]: Dickhead, no! Over!
[DION]:: For fuck's sake.
[DION]:
That's a cushion, you dick.
(Bottles breaking)
[paper rustling]
[laughs]
Oh, watch this, watch this.
He loves that album.
Hey, bro.
Awesome album, eh?
[crunch]
See? He loves it.
Oh man, we did it.
No! We need to re-kill them!
No way!
Look,
Zakk is responding to the metal.
Okay, We can teach him.
We can win NOIZEQUEST.
Bro! They are fucking dead!
OK,
so we'll all wear corpse paint
and no one will know
the difference.
Noooo
Alright, we'll split the
winnings. 5K each.
5K each?
5K each.
Fuck!
OK.
But I'm keeping
that Iron Maiden t-shirt.
Where are the Rotten
Cock Brothers?
[snoring]
(Glass breaking)
(Urinating)
[giggling]
Roger?
Is that you?
[giggling]
[giggling]
Eww.
You forgot to wipe your growler.
Ahh! Holy fuck!
[FLUSH]
(Screams)
Yeah. Get her body.
Give me!
Give me. Give me.
We're doing this stupid way.
Poke it in our neck hole.
Oh. Left. Left a bit.
You keep overshooting it.
OK, got it.
That's it.
Cool.
We got there.
Jen? You OK?
[growl]
(Screams)
[WINDSWEPT "Cenote" plays]
[grunts]
[clang!]
[clang!]
[growl]
(Screams)
Fucking Christ!
Zakk!
What are you doing?
Hangin' out.
Eating guts and shit.
Here, dig in, ladies.
[sniffles]
Shit, bro.
Police are gonna be real happy,
you buried them in shallow graves
on your property.
[coughs]
What happened?
The fuck are we?
It's the guts, OK?
After they ate the guts,
they got, like, smarter...
almost back to normal.
But what happens when they need
to eat again, brother?
Do we just feed them hobos until
NOIZEQUEST or...?
I haven't figured that part out
yet but when I do,
it's totally gonna work, dude.
Just like the old times.
[BULLETBELT "Deathgasm 2" plays]
[electric zaps]
[groans]
[screams]
[grunts]
[grunts]
[slo-mo laugh]
Hey, Jesse, did you want some
help with the lyrics?
I'm the one who has
to sing them, so...
I'm fine.
What rhymes with... 'nadir'?
How about reindeer? Like, you
can make it a Christmas song.
Ana, um, what is it that
you are drawing?
Just working on some new flash.
Oh.
Oh, my God.
I totally should tattoo you.
I'm pretty good. Check it out.
Anal?
No, silly, it says Ana. Just has
a fancy twirl at the end.
Then there's this...
Nowam lived?
It's supposed
to say "devil woman".
I did it in the mirror...
Shh...
[sound of sploodge]
[WO FAT "Nightcomer" plays]
(GROWL)
All right, look.
If this doesn't work out my
welfare gets cut, okay?
So just be normal.
Bro... Hungry...
Yeah, I know.
That's why I'm here with you.
Okay, I gotta keep an eye on you.
You can't keep
murdering random people.
Here we go.
[organ music plays]
(GROWLS)
Okay, um, please all welcome
Brodie to tonight's prayer group.
[Prayer Group]: Hi, Brodie.
Brodie has also brought a
friend along too.
What did you say your name was?
Zakk!
Um, it's Zakk.
[Prayer Group]: Hi, Zakk.
Hi, Zakk.
Be polite, yeah?
You guys have wicked instruments.
Brodie, could you please read
tonight's passage?
John 11.
Um, Jesus was still angry as
he arrived at the tomb.
A cave with a stone rolled
across its entrance.
"Remove the stone," he ordered.
But Martha protested.
"Lord, he has been dead
for four days."
"For four days.
The smell will be terrible."
Yeah, thank you.
Now let us all close our eyes
in prayer.
"O divine master, grant that I may not so
much seek to be consoled as to console."
"So it is that we must eat the body
of our Lord's Saviour, Jesus Christ,
"to love is to be loved,
when there is darkness, light.
And when there is sadness, joy.
"To be consoled is to console.
"To be understood
is to understand.
"Lord, make me an instrument
of thy peace.
"For it is in giving
that we receive.
"It is in self-forgetting
that we find.
"It is in pardoning
that we are pardoned."
"And it is in dying to ourselves
that we are born to eternal life."
"Where there is doubt, faith."
"Amen."
Oh.
Oh, why are you topless, Brodie?
Ah, yeah. I just got a bit hot.
Thinking about Jesus, you know.
Where's Mrs. Slooton?
I think she bailed.
Ah, sweet lady.
(GROWLING & EATING SOUNDS)
By the way,
I clogged the shitter in there.
[FROZEN SOUL "Glacial
Domination" plays]
(FEEDBACK)
[breathing heavy]
The police are gonna trace
this back to us, man.
We are fucked!
What's your plan for prison?
I'm gonna dry out a shit
and sharpen it into a shank
'cause nobody wants to get
stabbed by poo.
No-one's gonna
do any poo-stabbing.
It's gonna be fine.
OK,
let's start with something easy
How about, umm, how about
'Count Ejacula'?
Why did you bring me back?
I'm always cold, bro.
I smell like rot and I crave
guts all the time.
I think you should just kill me.
Oh, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey,
don't be like that.
I brought you back so we could rock
out, man, like old times, you know?
Brotherhood of Steel? Come on.
Oh!
Um...
Here, get this back on...
Ah! That's it.
(FLIES BUZZING)
Oh, actually, um...
While we're here, we'll just...
God, I need a drink.
Dion, fetch, beer.
Get your own beer.
(ELECTRIC ZAPPING)
Oh fuck, okay, okay.
Is that a shock collar?
Giles, he's not a dog.
Yeah, well, at least my zombie
hasn't murdered anyone lately.
Did notice you're, uh, running
out of backyard space, mate.
Here you go, dickhead.
OK, OK, can we just practice?
Uh, Zakk, why don't you kick it off
with one of those new bass lines?
Jesus.
You OK, bro?
Um, OK, Dion, maybe show us
your keyboard skills.
Fuck.
I forgot to pay the power bill.
I'm so sorry, guys.
We're gonna need to find a new
place to rehearse.
OK, everybody out. Come on.
OK, I'm gonna head for the door.
[Crashing]
[Giles]: (IN PAIN) Aw f-
[Brodie]:
OK, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
[Brodie]: Maybe we need
to wait for our eyes to adjust.
OK, can anybody see anything?
[Zakk]: Nothing.
[Dion]: How about me Brodie?
[Dion]: Can you see how
many fingers I'm holding up?
[HAVOK "Death Is An Illusion"
plays]
[HAVOK "Death Is An Illusion"
plays]
[CRAZY LIXX "Little Miss
Dangerous" plays]
Home, Sweet Home.
Holy shit, this place is sick!
How'd you score this?
The owner knows my mum.
It doesn't open till night, so we
get to rehearse here during the day.
Really?
Yeah, the owner's
totally boning your mum.
Yeah.
What? No, Uncle Jerry's cool.
He comes round
to visit sometimes.
He gives me money
to go see a movie.
Fucking idiots.
(HEAVENLY HARP SOUNDS)
Oh, don't...
[SNIFFING]
[CRAZY LIXX "Little Miss
Dangerous" plays]
It's definitely a pube...
[feedback]
OK, awesome.
Well,
let's have a crack at Medina.
A fucking love song?
This is important.
Bro, just have a wank so we
can go back to playing cool shit.
OK, I literally raised the dead
to make this happen.
From the top.
(Music plays)
No, no, no, it sucks.
So hungry.
It's fine, OK?
It's NOIZEQUEST soon.
There's going to be tons
of guts there.
Holy shit.
Wait here.
[sad but hopeful music]
[birds chirp]
Hey.
Hey.
Are you in Grey Point long or?
Just for NOIZEQUEST.
Oh, yeah,
with Rewind Her Funeral Tape.
Yes, actually.
Got some...
pretty big negotiations with
some major labels.
Wow, really?
You know what, Brodie? Fuck you.
OK, if you actually cared about
me, you would be happy.
You know, I'm actually working
my arse off
rather than rotting away
in this shit hole.
Yeah, well, what about Deathgasm?
We were going nowhere.
You expected me to
stick around forever
listening to you mope
about losing Zakk.
You know, you're one of the best
shredders that I've ever seen.
But you hardly ever practice.
You show up to gigs wasted.
You need to stop feeling
sorry for yourself
and get your shit together.
Yeah, what, like Jesse Dead?
Look, Jesse has... issues...
but he works fucking hard and
he's super committed to his band.
The only thing
that Jesse Dead works hard at
is looking like a fucking...
"Looking like a fucking" what?
Nothing. Nothing.
Just leave it, Jesse.
Shh.
You're about to say it's
slur, weren't you?
No, I wasn't.
Oh, shit.
Medina...
this is your ex-boyfriend, right?
The Toad Man
you were telling me about.
Don't be ashamed of
who you are, okay?
Be proud.
Be proud of having a bum
for a face.
I love your bum face.
Right.
Oh!
Ahhh!
That patch.
Are you really a fan of them?
What, you mean a fan of-
Shut up!
Don't you ever say their name.
[rip]
I mean...
[spits]
Well, I wouldn't say fan.
I'm going to punch you now.
[punch]
Ohhh!
Jesse! Don't!
These beads are from
ancient Egypt.
Suck on them and you shall
be forgiven for your misdeeds.
Ah!
[thud]
Count yourself lucky...
that you don't have any problematic
band tattoos that need removing.
Why do you have a laser?
Cheese grater.
Sends a message.
(SCREAMS & GROWLS)
Zakk! Get him!
(SCREAMS & BELL RINGING)
Kill! Kill!
Practicing some of my lyrics.
Zakk! Get him! Kill...
I'd love to stay and chat, but,
I've got to go over there
and be successful.
Let us ride forward.
Into the revolution.
And navigate the world.
Stay behind me.
Woman, get back here.
Woman, behind me.
Do you remember when...
[acoustic guitar]
You saved the whole
motherfucking world back then?
Cuz your name is Brodie
Yeah,
you saved the fucking world
Your name is Brodie
Holy shit.
Matt Heafy from Trivium.
What are you doing here in the
ass end of the world?
Wherever there's a metal head in
trouble, I'll be there.
I don't know.
I fucked up pretty bad.
I don't think it can be unfucked.
So you summoned the dead
to play in your band
and they started eating people...
That happens all the time.
I've got your back, Bro.
First we need to...
(SCREAM)
(FLESH EATING SOUNDS)
Oh my God! Oh, what the fuck?
NO!!
(SCREAM)
Help, Brodie!
Look, would it help
if I said, sorry?
Well, are you sorry?
I'm sorry I didn't chew more...
that Heafy is fucking repeating
on me, man.
(ZAPPING SOUND)
(SCREAM)
Get. Me. A. Drink.
I'm going to attach another
shock collar to your nuts.
I said to stop shocking him.
It's discipline! And don't
forget my lemon slice next time.
You slip up one day
and then I'll get that
remote and I'll stick
it up your ass! Ahhh!
(ZAPPING SOUND)
The training is going well.
(FLESH EATING SOUNDS)
Oh.
Easy there, little guy...
Easy there...
What you got there?
(SCREAMS)
[DRAGONCORPSE "Blood and
Stones" plays]
(SCREAMS)
(SCREAMS)
(SCREAMS)
(SINGING RUGBY SONG)
[shwing]
[boing]
[boing]
[boing]
Time to beat the meat!
(SCREAMS)
Hardly seem sporting for the
poor little bugger.
(SCREAMS)
My dick! My little dick!
[tuning guitar]
(GROWL)
Fuck me!
(LAUGHING)
I've had a gutsful man.
We need to kill them.
Giles, they're undead.
Yeah,
well we need to make them...
un-undead...
I don't...
If they run out of guts,
they'll turn on us.
You know they will.
Okay, look,
first we win the contest...
Yeah, that's not gonna happen!
And then I'll...
put them to sleep.
Dogs, get put to sleep.
But Dion is getting a pipe
bomb suppository...
if I don't get my drink soon.
Dion!?
Dion!?
Fuck, oh, what am I doing?
Alright.
Dion, where are you, little fuck?
C'mon, mate...
Where is that little
fucking cunt?
Oh...
What...
did he do...
with...
their dicks!
(FLIES BUZZING)
Dion's done a runner with them
like some sort of...
Cock Burglar.
Even your mum hasn't taken this
many dicks in one go.
Okay, look, we need bleach.
Bleach in our eyes isn't gonna
help us unsee this shit, man!
No, to clean up.
I'm out, alright?
Summoning undead monsters
is one thing...
but I draw the line at
manual labour.
Hey, hey, hey, hey, come on.
Look, we can't pike now.
Why not?
I love piking!
Piking is the shit!
Hey look, this is our shot, okay?
To show the world
we're not losers.
What have I got left?
Nothing.
You...
You've got...
You've got a dog.
Dion ate it.
Fuck.
True that.
[INTO ETERNITY "Timeless
Winter" plays]
[muffled mnusic]
[small talk]
No way.
We must be in the wrong place
this can't be a NOIZEQUEST.
This is New Zealand.
I mean, what were you expecting?
At least a sound shell.
And where are the crowds?
It's just a couple of pasty
spotty virgins.
Hey...
Love the look, guys.
You know I wasn't talking about
you just now, right?
Oh.
I see you bought my album.
Would you like me to sign
that for you?
Well,
get the fuck out of here then!
Jesus Christ.
[INTO ETERNITY "Timeless
Winter" plays]
My God.
I think my ears have just
contracted herpes.
Hey, watch out.
Those guys are searching people
for drugs near the bathrooms.
I got frisked.
Hold this.
Whoa.
[KSPLAT!]
[SOCK!]
[THWACK!]
[KAPOW!]
[OWW-WWEEE!]
[ZLONK!]
[KER-RUNCH!]
[KLONK!]
[POWIE!]
[GRRAAHH!]
[KERR-PLOW!]
Wow!
Where'd you learn
to fight like that?
I can't believe you beat
up drug inspectors.
Yeah.
[MUSIC SWELLS]
[foot steps]
Ew.
Ew.
(ELECTRIC SOUNDS)
[maniacal laugh]
Ooooohhhh!
Scream for me, Grey Point.
Scream for me!
[kiddie keyboard sounds]
[music]
Yes.
That's it.
[zombie sounds]
Rise.
Rise, my undead army.
[growl]
My legion of doom!
My black masses.
[thunder]
My...
[thunder]
Where are my masses?
Un-fucking believable.
Is it really just you, jokers?
Well, how are we going
to destroy the world now?
We'll be lucky if we could
destroy a bouncy castle!
Pathetic!
Oh, wait, wait, wait!
Where are you going?
We can still destroy a little
bit of the world.
Smash some phone booths.
Or rampage a Macca's,
turn some others into zombies.
We'll just see
where the night takes us.
Yes!
Yes.
Yes!!
Oh, nothing can stop me.
And my...
small gaggle of doom.
That's it.
Yeah.
Get your shamble on
Romero it.
Yeah?
Maybe let out
a few MMRRRGGHH's.
[growls]
Yeah, yeah!
Nice, nice!
People will go mad with terror
when they see us coming.
Ohhhhh!
Let's go shopping!
[ANVIL "Beat The Law" plays]
We wage war on the living!
And burn their houses.
Desecrate their churches.
Then fiddle with their corpses.
(LAUGHING)
But first...
we roll.
[die rolling]
Fuck!
I mean, fuck yeah!
Lucky number one!
Victory is certain!
(POLICE SIRENS)
[ANVIL "Beat The Law" plays]
Oh goodie.
[siren and bicycle bell]
[ANVIL "Beat The Law" continues]
[whistle]
[click]
[paper flip]
[swoosh]
[squeak]
[growl]
[squeak]
[growl]
[squeak]
[growl]
[squeak]
[ANVIL "Beat The Law" continues]
[screams]
[KERR-RUNCH!]
[SPLAT!]
[GROWL]
(SCREAMS)
[goopy fleshy sounds]
[growl]
[PESTILENTIAL SHADOWS "Impaled
By The Moon" plays]
[KRR-SPLONK!]
[ZAP!]
Oh, your benefit is cut.
[shredding sound]
Cut!
Bludging parasite!
You're cut.
You're poor. You're poor!
Cut, cut.
That's enough fun for tonight.
There's work to be done.
I'm on to you, Brodie.
(LOADS GUN)
They call me
the "ghoulie-sniffer".
I have the ability to smell
evil out from...
(GROWL)
Oh, hello.
Were you there the whole time?
(SCREAMS)
Stop!
I'm a government employee!
[KWACK!]
[THHEEWANK!]
[VRONK!]
(GROWL)
[BIFF!]
AHHH!
[CLANK-EST!]
Brodie sent you.
I know all about your evil little
coven of Satan, buggers.
[CRAAACK!]
I'm cutting your welfare!
[THWAPE!]
[laughing]
Devil worshippers...
time to accept Jesus' love.
All nine millimeters of it.
[SKINLESS "The Hordes" plays]
Okay, go like this.
Jesus, man.
Forget bush...
this chick's got
a fucking rainforest.
Now for the eyes, I'm
thinking maybe like big black...
Actually, you're good.
You're done.
You feeling more brutal?
I feel hungry.
Already?
Here you go, Bro.
Fuck this.
I've got guts full of... guts.
Dude, you have to eat those,
you're a zombie.
I don't have to do shit.
I used to think murder was cool,
and now that lame cunt Dion's doing it.
I'm over it.
You know what?
I'm quitting eating people.
Bro, you know what that means
though, right?
It means you're a...
vegan zombie.
Fuck it.
At least I'm following my own
path instead of being a mindless...
you know.
Same old Zakk.
Being a stubborn cunt doing the
opposite of what people expect.
That's metal as fuck.
Still might have the odd nibble on
the ethically sourced entrails, but...
no more killing.
All right, I think we're ready.
Let's go.
I'll go get the gats.
Our set's gonna suck, bro.
We've had, like,
fuck all practice.
And we're down a keyboard player.
Already sussed.
I recorded all of Dion's
keyboard parts
just in case he died.
What does that one say?
Does that one say drums?
Ah, no, nothing.
The fuck you playing at, Brodie?
That's fine. All right, if
we leave now, we
can make it in time for
another rehers...
[trigger clicking]
[music]
Fuck, fuck, fuck,
fuck, fuck, fuck.
Get off,
you fucking useless shit.
Fuck!
Come here you, bastard!
You aren't going nowhere,
Satan boy.
Uh, did you mean, like...
anywhere?
Because
if he ain't going nowhere,
then I think
he is going somewhere.
Listen, smartass.
I don't take shit from no one,
OK?
If you want your mate here to
make it out alive.
Maybe not correct me again!
I meant...
Yeah?
I'll kill this demon worshipper
to death.
(Whispering)
Don't you fucking...
Zakk!
Get him, Zakk!
Kill this guy!
Murder him! Rub his guts out!
He's a ginger! Fuck this guy up!
Did I fucking stutter before?
Let's start over.
[SANGUISUGABOGG "Testicular
Rot" plays]
(SCREAMS)
Fucking shit!
Just relax, OK? Follow my lead.
Jonno's harmless.
Besides, he can't kill us.
The Bible won't let him.
He's a welfare case manager.
Do you know what they do
to people who are too useless
and deranged to work?
What?
They make them welfare
case managers.
Relax. It's gonna be fine, OK?
He's gonna find out we're the good
guys, and he's gonna just let us go.
Oh! Oh, good grief.
So many graves.
Dead bodies.
Not even buried that deep.
Is that a leg?
Mrs. Slooton?
Monsters!
OK. Well, y'know,
he can't hurt us.
He's a Christian. Heh.
[KLONK!]
Oh!
Fuck!
[spits]
Ah!
Look, there's been a
big misunderstanding.
I can explain everything.
Does it involve
dark occult magic?
No!
Ah well...
a little bit.
OK, so we did use black magic to
bring our mates back as zombies.
OK.
And the dead bodies?
Yeah, well, OK. Turns out zombies
are a bit more bitey than we thought.
We had no idea.
And they're like
bloody pit bulls.
Like, you turn your back for one
second and they're mauling a ran do
And we did try to stop them, but
it's kind of like David Attenborough,
when he's filming and he sees,
like, he sees...
A giraffe face fucking a python.
Dude, what?
Yeah, and old man Attenborough,
he's like, "And that's nature".
And then they film,
like, a giraffe
using a snake as a pocket pussy.
Jesus.
So, yeah, so, anyway, it's
kind of the same situation for us.
And when you think about it, you know,
although they are ugly, mindless monsters...
I'm right here.
Aren't they God's creatures, too?
You guys think I'm stupid, eh?
Cut the bullcrap, lads!
No, look, it's all true, apart from
the giraffe pocket pussy thing.
I bet it's happened
at least once, cunt.
Oh.
I've unmasked a Dungeons &
Dragons death cult.
What?
Actually, that's Leviathan's
and Labyrinth's.
We couldn't get a license to
use the one that you said.
So... you lure people in here...
to play a game of
Dungeons & Dragons...
Uhh, Leviathan's and Labyrinth's.
So what, are we gonna cut there?
Are we gonna, what, retake?
I mean,
we're just gonna fix it in post?
Fix it in post.
Sweet, I'm sure,
no one will notice.
Once you finished playing...
-[Voice over]
-Leviathan's and Labyrinth's~
you kill them!
Fiddle with their corpses.
Eat their little arseholes, eh?
Not anymore. I'm a vegan.
We know. You mention it every
five minutes.
I should call the police.
But I must follow the teachings
of the good book.
Forgiveness?
Kindness?
Death by stoning.
Pfft. Fucking bring it on.
I once smoked a full ounce
of nuggs in one session.
It was all Brodie's fault!
Untie me! Give me some stones!
I'll fucking stone the cunt myself!
Giles, your throw is limper
than a retirement
village gang bang.
Having a go at the arm...
No, I was not. Besides, there's
nothing wrong with the arm.
It's just attached to a
pathetic sack of turds.
(GROWLS)
Oh! Oh! It's...
-[Voice over]
-Leviathan's and Labyrinth's~
Fans!
Die, you evil bastard!
[BLAMO!]
[Bone Storm "Ritual Supremacy"
plays]
[growls]
[KER-POW!]
[PEWWW!]
[PEW!]
[growls]
[POWIE!]
[URKKK!]
[KA-BLAM!]
God!
Why are there more zombies,
Brodie?
Have you been noodling with the
forces of darkness again?
It wasn't me. I don't know. Maybe
it's an unrelated zombie outbreak.
Wait, are those not your...
-[Voice over]
-Leviathan's and Labyrinth's~
mates?
Quick! Does the Bible of any
tips for killing zombies?
Uh, murder... incest...
God makes a bear kill children...
more incest...
Uh, this should work.
Damn it.
Where's that cunt going?
(GROWLS)
[Bone Storm "Ritual Supremacy"
continues]
Spin clockwise!
No, no, no!
Counterclock wise!
Holy shit!
Line me up!
[RRAAWWR!]
[growls]
Stop spinning!
I'm gonna...
I'm gonna hurl, guys.
Oh, God.
[AWWW-REETTCCCHHH!]
[AAARRRGGGGGHHHHHHH!]
[AWKKKKKKKKKKKKKK!]
[GGRRFFPTBLPPPHHAAAZZZ!]
[KA-RIP!]
That was foul.
[KAOSIS "Goremaggeddon" plays]
[screams & ouchies]
Hey!
You animals!
What do you think you're doing?
Never seen anything
so disgusting in my life!
[growl]
Nothing but filthy gatecrashers!
I don't see a single wristband
in here!
[growl?]
So either you go to the front
door and you buy a ticket,
all major credit cards
and digital wallets accepted,
or you filthy
gatecrashers are gonna
Get. These. Hands.
[KAOSIS "Goremaggeddon" plays]
[BOFF!]
[GGA-RAWWW!]
[SCHWACK!]
[PLEWWWIEE!]
[GRRR-WEEEEEE!]
[FFLLNNGGG-PLOPP!]
Come on!
[GRRR]
Die, gatecrasher!
[VRONK!]
[EEE-YAWWW!]
[KKSPLATT!]
Get off me!
Get the fuck off me!
AAHHHHHHH!
OOOOWWWWWW!
My hand!
[BIG SCREAMING BABY]
[KRRACKK-RIP!]
(SCREAMS)
No!
No! No!
[GLURPP!]
OOOWWWWW!
Ah, my hands!
(SCREAMS)
[ZZZOOOMMMM!]
[CHESTCRUSH "The Despiser" plays]
Fuck, man, it's all
turned to custard again.
Oh, don't mention food.
Maybe it'll just go away
by itself, yeah?
Go away by itself?
It's a zombie apocalypse, Brodie
not a bad case
of the fucking squirts!
Where the fuck
are we going anyway?
NOIZEQUEST.
NOIZEQUEST??
You got a Medina stiffy again?
Fuck's sake, bro.
Just pull over and have
a wank, all right?
Look, there's a Kmart catalogue
in the glove box.
Page five.
Premium jerk-off material, man.
The knickers page.
A bit sticky, but...
Now, we've got to play the 'Uno
reverse' trick, you know?
The old play the song
backwards thing.
It worked last time, remember?
I remember it made no sense and
was stupid as fuck.
Okay, well, the NOIZEQUESamps are going to
blast the reverse magic music
all across town, and, you know,
if we happen to see Medina,
then we happen to see her...
You do have the pages though,
right?
Yes, I said.
Shit, living or dead?
Doesn't matter, don't stop.
I can't,
it's against the road code.
Fuck.
Dion?
I knew we shouldn't have stopped.
Oh, Jesus!
So that's where they went?
Classic Dion.
Always collecting things, eh?
Glad you're okay, dude.
We thought we lost you back
at the...
Oh, cut the shit.
You didn't lose me,
I emancipated myself.
Whatever tickles your pickle.
Are you going
to a fancy dress party?
No.
Thought I'd look snazzy for
the special night.
Oh, rad!
Oh,
for a second there I thought you
were bailing on NOIZEQUEST.
NOIZEQUEST?
I'm not playing with you tossers.
So what's with the clothes?
It's coronation night.
I'm the king of the dead.
Rise, my undead army, rise!
(PLAYS MUSIC)
I thought you had the pages.
I do! I mean, I did!
(RESERECTION MUSIC)
Oh, my god! It...
It's...
well, it's a handful. Uhm.
It's almost a bunch.
Pretty scary.
This modest smattering of zombies
is like loosely surrounding us.
We don't have weapons. I mean,
what do we do, here?
Okay, we don't have weapons,
but we do have a Zakk.
Bash them, Zakk! Kill them!
I keep saying I'm done
with killing.
But bro, it's not murder, cuz
they're already dead.
Okay, they're getting
a bit closer now.
Um, okay.
Hey, Zakk.
Heard some of those zombies
calling you a pussy.
I don't care.
Which one though?
All of them.
And they were also saying
that you sit down
in public loos and
pee like a little girl.
I'm sorry,
how do they not know that I
was wee-ing about to take a poo?
I heard the one saying that Zakk's
got a really soft limp handshake as well.
Well, I can't help that.
My hands have been
rotting in the ground for
the last ten years.
Yeah, but they also said that
you ride a girls bike,
one with a low bar, so you
don't bump your fanny.
That bike was unisex.
[ORGANECTOMY "Plague Mouth"
plays]
Fuck!
That was pretty fucked, bro.
Oh, jeez!
Take it easy on that one.
Fuck me!
Far out...
Impressive.
But they were pawns.
Now you face the Queen!
Called it.
Ay-yi-yi-yi!!!
Um.
Stalemate?
(SCREAMS)
[Dance of the Sugar Plum
Fairy plays]
AAAHHHH!
[SPLAT]
[THWUNK]
[GUMPH]
[PFFRRT]
[KKKFLUURMMP]
[HUK-TOOWIE]
(SCREAMS)
I am a limbless freak!
Oh, get fucked, cunt!
Oh,
another sprinkling of zombies.
Quick, let's bail.
Hang on, hang on.
The Black Hymn.
[grunts & growls]
Let's go.
[car engine starts]
Ah!
How dare they foil my vengeance!
I'm gonna have to avenge the
vengeance foiling
and take my original vengeance.
[engine revs]
Follow me!
[car drives away]
Fuck it. My body's rooted.
Okay, scrape up what you can
And get me gaffer tape!
[KKRRRRIPPPP]
[music]
I can't tolerate intolerance.
When I suspect someone is
being intolerant, I don't put up with it.
I punch them. Hard.
Knock their thoughts back into
their head before they become words.
I can't stand hearing things
that I don't agree with, y'know?
Sounds sane.
Exactly.
(SCREAM)
What was that?
Vinny, go check it out.
Hey! Get the fuck out of here!
Oh! Oh!
(FLESH EATING)
Okay, we gotta go!
Oh, get out!
Quick, hurry!
Jesse, the band mates!
They're dead.
What?
I saw them die.
Open the door!
Jesus!
Open the door!
It could be a pandemic. They
might infect me.
Hurry, Jesse! Come on, man!
[screams]
[KKRRR-SPLOOSH!]
You okay?
I'll record a song
in their honour.
With 10% of sales going towards
climate change charities,
that's what they would've wanted.
They wanted you to open the door.
Shut up!
My friends,
and the drummer, just died.
Can you not see how this
affected my mental health?
What was wrong with those people?
Pale, decayed skin,
reeking like rotten meat,
acting like animals.
Isn't it obvious?
Grindcore fans.
No, they weren't human.
I don't know what they were,
but I'm pretty sure I know the
moron who created them.
(SCREAMS)
Jesus.
It's not fair.
I'm too talented to die.
(GROWLS)
Oh my God!
[BEASTWARS "Daggers" plays]
Fuck me!
Oh, Jesus.
Jesus Christ, it's certainly
deader than last year, right?
Holy shit.
It's unfortunate they're dead, because
some of them are real fuckable, man.
Especially that one.
(PLAYS RECORDER)
Wow.
That was terrible.
I want you two ladies to know...
that you don't need to be
afraid down here.
I will protect you
until my last breath.
[KLONK!]
(SCREAMS)
Medina!
(SCREAMS)
You're OK.
You dicked with dark
magic and summoned evil
beyond human comprehension
again, didn't you?
Hi, Zakk.
Sweetheart.
Oh, here we go.
Everything's my fault.
Yeah, he did. He played music
from the Black Hymn to raise the dead.
For the right reasons. I had no
idea it was all going to go... weird.
Hand them over. OK, you are now
banned from meddling in Black Magic.
The Black Hymn has tons
of other spells.
OK, one of the verses maxes
out your stats.
Charisma, wealth, fame...
we could all be Keanu Reeves.
Why the fuck didn't
we do that one?
Well, it also opens a portal to hell
and unspeakable evil pours out, so...
You're not responsible enough to
cook 2-minute noodles.
Give me the pages...
Now!!
Jesse!
[KKAYO!]
Fuck!
No no no no!!!!
[OOOFF!]
Fuck...
These pages could end
world hunger
solve the climate change crisis,
make ugly people stay inside
so we don't have to look at them.
Think about how much good
someone could do.
Not me, though.
I am going to make the world
my bitch.
Namaste.
Fuck!
Wait! Wait! I can help you!
Don't kill me!
Guts are back on the menu, boys!
No! God, help me! No!
(SCREAMS)
Fuck, Brodie, what were you
thinking messing with those pages?
I just... I wanted things to be
like they were, you know?
Like, I wanted to get the band
back together and I thought...
I thought if I could win
NOIZEQUEST, I could...
win you back
and show you that I...
I don't know, show you that
I wasn't a loser.
Brodie, you are a loser.
And that's what I love about you.
I mean,
your lack of common sense,
self-awareness and personal
growth are adorable, but...
we're never getting
back together.
Because I've...
kinda met someone new.
Ah... I get it.
One of Ana's guy mates.
You're a walking advert for the
dangers of sniffing glue during pregnancy.
Who then? Her brother?
(MIC FEEDBACK)
Hello, NOIZEQUEST!
How are you doing tonight?
Oh, fuck!
Man, this crowd is dead.
We better get them moving.
The song's an oldie. Eons old.
A little ditty
from the Black Hymn.
That I call...
Reanimate and Terminate.
But how? You don't
have the pages.
Yeah, and when you did you
must have fucked up the song.
Your zombie army could comfortably
fit inside a Mitsubishi Mirage.
You are a shit musician.
Huh. Maybe I am.
Which is why I've recruited...
a new guitarist.
Jesse, what the fuck?
That's right.
We've formed a super group.
Fuck, Jesse, what are you doing?
What, you're collabing
with zombies now?
Dion's gonna raise an army
of the undead.
He won't stop until there's
no one alive to
ring him out for the shit stains
in his undies.
Just shut the fuck up, Giles!
And apologise!
And then I will stop.
Never! You have to kill us all
first, bro. Right?
Right?
No.
Please, Jesse, don't do this, OK?
You're right.
I'm not gonna do it.
Let's go, guys.
Just joking.
Of course I'm
gonna fucking do it.
Fuck.
Whilst you guys are out there
clogging up zombies' toilets,
I'll be playing stadiums on my
End of the World tour.
Welcome
to the Heartcore Revolution.
(GUITAR FEEDBACK)
A HYMN TO END THE WORLD,
A REQUIEM TO RAISE THE DEAD.
ONCE WHISPERED IN THE SHADOWS,
NOW IT'S SCREAMED
OUT LOUD INSTEAD.
(DEATH METAL SCREAM)
You ready?
(SCREAMS)
Oh, fuck!
They killed the girl who knows
Medina's new boyfriend...
Somehow.
Hey!
We need to stop the song somehow.
OK, we drown them out.
We play something so fucking
heavy and loud,
they won't be able to hear
the magic spell.
They won't be able to summon
a wet fart...
Dude! Stop fucking talking.
Let's do this shit, cunt!
(SHITTY KEYBOARD SOLO)
Eat shit, cunt!
Grandma...
WE.
ARE.
DEATHGASM!
(SCREAMS)
FUCK YOU,
WE WON'T LET YOU BE HEARD.
OUR MUSIC WILL SILENCE
YOUR EVERY WORD
SHUT UP,
WE'LL DROWN OUT YOUR VOICE,
STOP YOU WITH TRVE METAL NOISE!
Oh Shit, it's working!
SHUT UP,
WE'LL DROWN OUT YOUR VOICE,
STOP YOU WITH TRVE METAL NOISE!
(WORLD'S GREATEST TRIANGLE SOLO)
Jono's helping them now!?
Jesus, he is playing ever loving
shit out of that thing!
Sounding fucking tight!
Awesome, right?
The best triangle solo
I've ever fucking seen, man.
Fuck off, Brodie!
(SCREAMS)
STOP LIVING IN THE PAST...
YOUR WANKY LYRICS SUCK,
FUCKING BLOW-HARD PRICK.
YA GOT A DICTIONARY,
BUT YOU DON'T HAVE A DICK.
You fucking wanker!
No wristband...
Oh fuck!
Wristband...
Fuck you, Jesse Dead!
Lick my fucking pussy, you cunt!
Fuck you, man.
STOP LIVING IN THE PAST...
LIFE HAS GONE ON FAR TOO LONG.
METALHEADS DON'T BACK DOWN.
IF WE FALL WE PICK
EACH OTHER UP.
FIGHT TOGETHER,
PROUD AND STRONG,
AND DIE WITH METAL IN OUR BLOOD.
(EPIC MUSIC)
Brodie!
Come on, bro! Come on!
Fucking do it, cunt!
(THE GREATEST GUITAR SOLO EVER)
(HE'S STILL SHREDDING)
(WOW.
(IF ONLY YOU COULD HEAR THIS)
(THE POWER CHORD TO END ALL
POWER CHORDS)
[KAAAPLLEEWWWIEEE]
[KKKRRASSSH!]
[BLAMMM!]
[KKKKZZZZZAAAPPPP!]
EEE-YOW!
KAAAHHH!
AWWWWWKKKK!
[FLRBBBBB!]
[ZZZZIPP! ZAAAP!]
[KKKK-PLOOOOOW!]
[KKK-BOOOOM!]
AAAHHHH!
GRRRAAAH!
AAAHHHHH
[SSSPPLLAATT]
Grandma, you look beautiful!
Come with me.
[KKKK-PPPPOOOMMM!]
Ah, namaste!
[KKKKPLOSSION!]
[LAUGHING]
[GROWLS]
Oh! Fuck me!
[KKAA-BAA-KKABAA-BLLEEEWWIEEE!]
AAAWWWWW
OWWW-AHHH!
Hey...
I-I-I think
we should call a truce.
I can draft up
a quick peace treaty
with some favorable conditions.
Can...
Can one of you please put
a pen in my mouth?
What do we do with him?
I bags him.
Reckon we could make a
pretty sweet bong out of him.
No, no, anything
but that, please!
Or a flesh light.
Bong's fine.
Bong's fine.
There's something I need to get
off my chest, you know?
Something I should have said
yonks ago.
I...
I'm sorry...
Giles... I...
I'm sorry,
I'm not wearing my
steel-capped boots!
[ZOK!]
Oh, bastard!
(BOTTLES AND CANS CRASHING)
Guys, I just realised something.
We fucking did it!
Saved the world.
We won NOIZEQUEST.
Oh, Jesus Christ, dude.
Fucks sake!
[laughter]
We did. We won.
Dude, come on, man.
Everyone died, bro.
Exactly! Exactly!
All the other bands are dead!
Disqualified!
Except us!
[laughter]
Where do you think
they keep the prizes?
Jesus Christ, dude, that
is so fucking grim.
That's pretty fucked up, Brodie.
Nah, fuck it.
I worked hard for this.
Yep, yep, sucks how it
turns out, but I deserved this.
Every day of my life, someone
called me a loser.
I've won NOIZEQUEST.
Don't touch me, Brodie.
And no one can ever, ever take
that away from me.
(APPLAUSE)
"Just stoooppp itttt!"
And it's official.
NOIZEQUEST has a winner.
No, not the dozens of metal fans
and performers tragically killed.
GWAR has stolen the show.
The intergalactic rock band
crashed the doomed competition.
[GWAR "Jack The World" plays]
GWAR then proceeded to declare
themselves the winner.
Well, good for them, I guess.
Look,
they didn't even register, okay?
If I mug Meryl Streep for a trophy
that does not make me an Oscar winner.
GWAR did not win.
Yeah, they did.
Said so on the TV.
It makes me happy to know that
we are superior to human scum.
The enemy bands were
so pathetic, they couldn't
even stay alive long enough for
us to conquer them.
(LAUGHS)
They were defeated by the
greatest band of the night...
And the galaxy.
All the other bands were lucky
they died first.
That way
they didn't have to see their
parents' scalps used as artisan
genital warmers.
At least they died swiftly
and won't have to
watch us devour their children
and defile their pets.
So while the tragedy of NOIZEQUEST is
immeasurable, it gives us solace that with
everything lost, there was
still something won.
That's total bullshit.
Come on guys, we playing or what?
Right now, where were we?
Oh yes, Brodie's getting
buggered by a pack of Yetis.
What? I cast invisibility.
Pfft. Invisibility
doesn't work on Yetis.
Dumb.
If you hadn't have pickpocketed a dragon,
we wouldn't have had to flee into the
Labyrinth of Despair,
ass-deep in Yetis.
Dragons have sweet loot.
Dragons don't have pockets.
Fuck this. Y'know,
I'm not playing.
CoughLoser.
Zakk, you're up.
I ate Brodie's horse.
What?
We're now going live
for the premiere of GWAR's
latest song, The Black Hymn.
The band claimed to
have been inspired
by music pages they
looted from NOIZEQUEST.
Uh...
(BLACK HYMN MUSIC)
(screaming)
Righto.
Um...
Well, Zakk rolled a Crit.
You successfully
devoured Brodie's mare alive.
Suck it, baby.
Come on,
does no one else see this?
Dion is making me lose out of spite. It's like
the Forest of Dicks campaign all over again...
[SKULL FIST "Heavier Than
Metal" plays]
(music)
Gemma Holstein...
French Kelly. Well, it's
the guillotine for you, mate.
Bradley James Letourneau?
Yeah, there's no way I'm typing
all of that out.
So, just gonna cut that.
And then...
Mini Mila Muffin.
You're gonna buy drugs. You're
gonna buy drugs.
Josh Doria.
Oh, hate your haircut.
Juliet Lalouel
Hope you enjoy
your open plan living.
Kent Davis.
Yeah, no more money for you.
Sorry, Kent. Yeah, bye-bye.
Shawn Rupe & Kat
Double cut.
Oh, thanks, guys. A little
two for one special.
Appreciate it.
Shits gonna explode.
Dr. Jason Veith.
Doctor? Okay.
Maybe consider selling organs,
mate.
Cousin Matt?
Oh, small world.
Well, I always say family comes
first, but...
this time you've ended up last,
so...
Sorry, mate. See ya.
Oh, that was hard.
Alright.
That's enough fun for tonight.
[ELM STREET "Take The
Night" plays]
[BULLETBELT "Deathgasm 2" plays]
[KAOSIS "Goremageddon" plays]